#SOMETIMES YOU CAN HAVE SHARED EXPERIENCES WITH OTHER PEOPLE THAT DON'T REVOLVE AROUND YOUR IDENTITY

[mobydyke]

not to vaguepost but not everything is a symptom of ADHD or autism! some things are just normal human experiences!! get off of tiktok and have a conversation with irl people!!!!

[astrojulia]

How you receive your insights

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Where does your Eureka moment come from? So, Uranus' position in your birth chart can shed light on the areas where you are most likely to receive insights and experience transformative new directions in life. Let's explore each house and the corresponding themes:

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 1st house:

You are often receiving new insights into yourself, discovering yourself in front of your fears, desires and the deepest parts of your identity, it is as if nothing of yours can remain obscure from yourself and you end up revealing all your facets sooner or later. Your keen understanding of the self can give you excellent psychoanalytic or people-reading skills.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 2nd house:

Your insights revolve around being resourceful, knowing how to deal with material things in an innovative and spontaneous way, as if you don't have a spoon to stir a glass, but you have a fork that can do it and that's okay. You have your ideas when you need to solve material money issues and when you ask yourself what kind of value you want, is it material? Psychological? Academic? Self-management?

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 3rd house:

Your receptivity to higher meanings allows you to gain insights from routine experiences. Changes in direction can happen quickly, making it seem like you are undergoing total transformations to those around you. Your drive to apply insights practically and effectively can lead to meaningful learning and personal growth.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 4th house:

Your insights, in addition to coming when you're lying in your bed trying to sleep but you can't, or when you're working at home and have a new idea, they come when you ask yourself as a member of your family and sometimes society, which it is your role as a sister, mother, cousin and these questions can be extended to a neighbor, citizen, (insert your nationality here).

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 5th house:

You receive your insights when you have a beautiful smile on your face, that is, in moments of relaxation and happiness, when you feel that you have managed to put into matter what was in your mind for so long. You'll likely experience revelations regarding your creative abilities and ways to enhance them further. Delving into your artistic expressions might lead to transformative experiences. Additionally, these insights can extend to your interactions with children, influencing innovative approaches to nurturing and understanding them.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 6th house:

Your insights tend to come to you when you are fully engaged in your work or daily routines. You possess a unique ability to see unconventional solutions to practical problems, which makes you a valuable asset in any team or workplace. Your capacity to innovate in your job or health-related matters can lead to sudden breakthroughs, transforming not just your life but also the lives of those around you.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 7th house:

Your insights often come through your interactions with others, especially in one-on-one relationships and partnerships. You have an innate curiosity about the people you connect with, leading you to understand their motivations and desires on a deeper level. This ability grants you an edge in negotiating and finding unconventional solutions in partnerships, whether it's in business or personal relationships.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 8th house:

Your insights are closely tied to profound emotional experiences and moments of introspection. You are drawn to explore the depths of your psyche and the mysteries of life, often undergoing transformative journeys that uncover hidden truths about yourself and the world around you. These insights may come through encounters with intense situations, shared resources, or during intimate connections with others.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 9th house:

Your receptivity to insights flourishes when you step out of your comfort zone and explore new horizons, both mentally and physically. You're likely to receive transformative insights through travel, higher education, or engaging in philosophical discussions. Your open-mindedness and willingness to challenge traditional beliefs enable you to grasp profound truths and understand complex concepts effortlessly.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 10th house:

Your insights are often related to your career, public image, and the impact you wish to make on the world. You possess an innovative approach to leadership and are not afraid to challenge the status quo in your professional life. Your ability to see opportunities where others might see obstacles can lead to unexpected career advancements and recognition.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 11th house:

Your insights tend to come through your involvement in groups, communities, or social causes. You thrive in collaborative environments where ideas are freely exchanged, and you are eager to bring about positive change. Your progressive thinking and visionary ideas make you a catalyst for transformative initiatives that benefit society as a whole.

◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ Uranus 12th house:

Your insights often arise during moments of solitude and introspection. You possess a deep connection to the collective unconscious and your higher self, which allows you to tap into universal wisdom and hidden knowledge. You might experience transformative insights through dreams, meditation, or artistic expressions. Embracing your intuitive nature and exploring the spiritual realms can lead to profound personal growth and healing.

(CC) AstroJulia Some Rights Reserved

[awarmbowlofhomemadesoup]

Stories: Miyamoto Usagi vs. Yuichi Usagi

(made for Leonardo shippers who can't decide between two rabbits)

Both Miyamoto and Yuichi's stories are based on doing what's right -be it honor, justice or kindness.

There is a difference, with the former being for older age groups and the latter being for the younger.

(this is based on my opinion with no energy to put in sources, take it with a grain of salt)

Personalities

Assuming that Miyamoto came of age when he became a samurai during the Edo period, he became a wandering one at 16-17. Yuichi left home when he was 16.

Both Miyamoto and Yuichi share similarities. Despite Miyamoto having a perpetual scowl, they both have a sense of humor. Both are not above doing stupid stuff on rare occasions due to age and arrogance (like the time Miyamoto tried to lord his status over a monk who turned out to be Mirage comics Leo). Both are patient and giving with kids.

In the start of their stories, Miyamoto has more experience with the outside world and fighting than Yuichi as will be explained below. However, it is Yuichi who has closer bonds.

Living Situations and Relationships

Both will have different perspectives due to their living situations. Because Miyamoto is on a pilgrimage for years to find himself, the people he meets only stay with him for weeks at maximum.

He is a good guest to kind families who would take him in. Miyamoto would end up helping with their woes (whether it's exploitative landlords or businessmen stirring conflict between communities).

Miyamoto seems to be closer to his master than his father as most of his backstories on upbringing revolved around his master.

Yuichi in his story is just beginning. He is bound to the city to help with the yokai and to train with his master since he lacks the temperament and experience.

He also has friends to support and accompany him -and being their own people, they have their own conflicts that affect him and the others too.

Yuichi also has closer relations with his family, particularly his aunt, whom he feels undeserving of her love because of his many mistakes of being restless on the farm.

Threats that They Deal With

Miyamoto's life is harsh because of bandits and assassins on the roads he travels. He is a bounty hunter to have money for his travels. Sometimes, he meets malicious spirits.

While Yuichi's aunt has protected and taught him long enough, he has to deal with interstellar threats that are over his head using mystical means.

Usagi Yojimbo

Based from what I've read of Miyamoto Usagi's story in the Usagi Yojimbo comics, most of the comics revolved around honor, the code of the samurai, and how far you take it to be true to the samurai way.

Some of the comic series show the harm it can inflict on others when warriors take duty, obedience, and self-sacrifice too far:

Gen's father who spent the rest of his life looking to avenge his master at the cost of his wife's exhaustion and death, and alienating his son who resented him for it.

Another samurai who was aware of how corrupt his sworn lord was and chose to keep his honor as a samurai by defending him to the death.

But that even if you follow honor over your heart, it's sometimes the most practical and wise -such as Mariko choosing to hide the true identity of her son's father and marrying someone else so that Miyamoto can serve his master instead of running to her to take responsibility. (while I don't agree with her decisions, I can at least understand where she's coming from)

The comics don't really show what's wrong or right. It allows the readers to decide for themselves.

And for Miyamoto, he would do the right thing (duty, obedience and self-sacrifice as a samurai).

And if he can't do the right thing, then he will do what's kind.

And if he can't do what's kind, then he will do what's just.

Like in one of the comics, he was tasked to retrieve the sword of a widower's husband as it is the birthright of her son. (do what's right)

But the village girl who had a relationship with the husband wouldn't let go of the sword -even for money. Miyamoto doesn't want to force her, so she decided to give her time to think about it. (do what's kind)

But the girl's brother accidentally killed her when they fought over the sword. When Miyamoto found out, he avenged her and buried her next to the husband. (do what's just)

Samurai Rabbit: The Usagi Chronicles

The name Yuichi means "kind." And while Yuichi doesn't seem formally and in-depth trained as his ancestor in being a samurai, it frees him from its complications. He isn't as burdened as his ancestor by the samurai code.

Miyamoto and the other samurais in his time are burdened with obedience, duty, and self-sacrifice. Yuichi is free from those.

Yuichi is more straightforward. He stays in the city and help with the yokai because it is his fault. But soon, he defies what is supposedly his lord (Lord Kogane) to stand up for the yokai who had done no harm and help them find their place in the city.

While being a samurai seems outdated or outlawed in their city, Yuichi has brought balance with it by following the code his auntie has instilled in him: to defend those who cannot defend themselves. And later on, with the yokai and Kagehito: help those who cannot help themselves.

But it doesn't come without consequences. By the end of Season 2, it would be believable if the risks he took would haunt him despite everything becoming alright. He risked his life, his family and friends' lives, and the city in an advanced alien invasion to help another alien. Things might have turned differently if he hadn't learned to connect with the Ki crystal at the last minute.

Conclusion

Comparing the two Usagis is like comparing a ponkan from an orange. Both use kindness as a weapon, but each wields it differently due to experience, situation, and period of living.

They will both carry different regrets. They will have different stories and choices because they have similar but different perspectives. Miyamoto has been doing his pilgrimage for years. Yuichi is still beginning his journey.

But this is just my opinion from having completed Samurai Rabbit S1 and 2, and about 40 series of Usagi Yojimbo before taking a break. Do what you will.

[nondelphic]

Hi, looking for some specific writing advice.

So I'm starting work on a story and one of the major characters in it is aro/ace. My sibling is Ace and aro leaning, but I was hoping to get multiple views on how to write an aro/ace character that feels authentic.

Also love the posts, super relatable and inspired me to actually get off my butt and start writing this idea to begin with!

hi!! thanks for your ask! ˚₊‧꒰ა 🎀 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

i'm aro/ace so i could help with that specifically, but as with any sexual/romantic orientation/identity, what a character identifies as is not their entire personality! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) so, here are some tips that can be applied to your case but also to anyone writing a character from a perspective they don't know first-hand! ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

♡ ask real people

you're already doing this, which is great! talking to multiple aro/ace folks is super helpful because everyone experiences it a little differently, and diversity of perspectives will give you a more authentic portrayal. (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

♡ go on aromantic/asexual subreddits/forums

reading people’s personal stories will give you so much insight into the huge variety of aro/ace experiences. it really shows how different everyone’s struggles, joys, and lives are—it’s an easy way to get perspective and make your character feel more nuanced!

♡ avoid stereotypes

aro/ace characters aren't cold or incapable of love, and they don’t need to be “fixed” with romantic or sexual relationships. they can have deep, meaningful bonds and relationships that don’t revolve around attraction!

♡ individuality is key

there’s no one “right” way to be aro/ace. your character can be loud and outgoing, shy and introverted, or anywhere in between. focus on what makes them them rather than leaning too heavily on their orientation. ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ

♡ use nuance

sometimes aro/ace characters might have moments of frustration or confusion about how society views relationships, but that doesn't have to be the core of their story. think about how their experiences shape their worldviews, but also think about their goals, hobbies, friendships—the stuff that makes them well-rounded. ˆ𐃷ˆ

♡ respect their boundaries

an aro/ace character might be firm in their identity, but that doesn’t mean they’re immune to others pushing expectations on them. show how they navigate those boundaries with other characters—it’s a subtle but powerful way to highlight their experience.

also, thank you !! i’m so glad my posts helped inspire you! i hope your writing journey with this idea is super fun and rewarding, can't wait to see what you come up with (if you ever want to share it with someone........ aka me because i love reading others work) ≽^•⩊•^≼

[writinrealslow]

Hi!

Obligatory: "I saw your Nb video"

Currently working on a story with a Non-binary character as the lead POV. Full disclosure its gonna be a furry visual novel. They are an American Bison that goes by "Alex" formerly Alexander. Bison initially have fewer gendered differences than some animals.

A lot of your points helped me reconsider parts of their design and validity some of the story choices. Firstly, I do have one other Nb in the cast that is actually out and undergoing some form of medical transition. This second character will VERY MUCH be a point to bounce ideas/concepts of gender for Alex. Secondly I felt a little forced to further androgenize Alex as they transition. I have decided to tone it down since I think that their eventual presentation will have them be large and muscular, but have some feminine traits. It just feels/felt a bit disingenuous to proper them up as non-binary without having some sort of more radical change. Your video changed my mind on that.

Lastly, I assumed their relation to gender is very much informed by their neurodivergence. General confusion and disdain to the "rules" and societal systems in place to enforce gender. This leads to them not liking being considered a man, but generally fine with looking masculine.

Let me know if there are things I should consider as well or if I am just WAAAAYY off base. I got lots of thoughts, but want to keep this short.

Obligatory: Thanks for watching.

I'm honestly really honored that you would come to me about this, thank you!

You actually have a lot of things right, the only thing I would stress is that, while neurodivergence, particularly autism, does tend to be more common in trans people, correlation is not causation. A person's gender identity is not caused by neurodivergence, but their gender presentation might be effected by it, depending on what they're comfortable with. Some autistic people can't handle having long hair or don't like wearing pants because of how the fabric feels, so you could easily write a fairly masc presenting enby who wears skirts because they don't mind wearing femme clothing and because skirts cause less tactile irritation. But you could also have them wear skirts because skirts are fun to wear and they like how they look in them, that's why I wear them sometimes.

What I recommend most of all is to try and really nail down alex's feelings on their gender and their presentation. Do they initially feel like they need to be more androgynous and feminine, but later realize that they're okay with how they are? Maybe they try out more stereotypically feminine ways of presenting and decide they like some and don't like others, maybe they ultimately do decide that, while they don't NEED to be more androgynous, it's what feels comfortable. Maybe they go back and forth because they feel pressured and they're not sure.

It's actually really smart to have a second enby to bounce them off of, especially if they have a different experience with gender and different biases to work through, but also because it can help give alex a point of reference. I have my friend Kay to thank for helping me realize I was nonbinary at all, and they have a massively different presentation and experience from me; their input and advice has always been something I've found hugely valuable and helpful.

also, I think it's really cool that you're making them the lead POV character of your visual novel! Enby main characterss are rare, enby POV characters even more so! And the strengths of a visual novel should actually make it a bit easier to explore than a lot of other forms of media.

Finally, and you probably don't actually need a reminder of this, but be sure to nail down their personality and interests outside of their gender identity as well. Some people fall into the trap of making trans and nonbinary characters revolve entirely around their gender.

I'd actually really love to give your VN a look when you're comfortable sharing it, I'd even be a beta reader/play tester for you if you wanted. Furry content doesn't bother me, especially in a visual novel, where I care about story and characters first and foremost and aesthetics a very distant second.

Feel free to shoot me another ask in the future if you have more questions, and I hope I was able to help!

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, how are you?

This will probably seem narcissistic, but remarks like "get a life", "you're not special, you're just like everyone else", and "the world doesn't revolve around you" really make me want to cry because a) on paper, I'm not like everyone else because I'm severely physically disabled and academically gifted, and b) emotionally speaking, the remarks make me feel as if I've been lumped together with the general public, as if I'm easily disposable in exchange for someone who's easier to care for (in a physical and emotional sense) or I'm too plain or average or forgettable. I want to be in a romantic relationship where I'm the person's first choice in everything, where I'm thought of as special to them (e.g "No one is as smart as you! I'm lucky to have such a clever S/O! I'll never leave you for anyone else.") and I want to be the centre of their world. In my familial relationships (this will sound petty, I know) I feel like my 7 year old sibling gets more emotional attention than me, whereas my want for praise and attention is dismissed as narcissistic (in a negative sense, mind you - I hope this ask isn't demonising anyone actually with the disorder). I don't feel special anymore to them - my sibling is smart as well now, too - I'm supposed to be the smart one in the house, not them. I feel like I don't have anything special parts of my identity to keep to myself; I have to share "being smart" with them. I don't want to.

Hey there,

You are so right in saying that everyone is different in their own special and unique ways. Although people may have said to you those remarks like you mentioned in your Ask, is it a possibility that they may have been talking generally or were having a really bad day themselves? I completely understand and get your hurt and frustration, but sometimes we need to take a step back and look at what’s happening for the other person for them to say such things. I hope that makes sense?

It can feel so nice to be different and have that one special person that means the most to you and you them, and I do sincerely hope that you get to experience this one day. As already mentioned, you are very different than others and really special and unique (different in a good way) but it can take a really long time to find this at times in someone and sometimes you really have to work on the relationship before getting to that point where you are deeply in love with one another and know that you would not want to be with anyone else for you both. And so it’s really important to acknowledge this and know that close relationships just don’t happen overnight – which I am sure you already know! With saying this though, maybe focusing more on yourself and what you need in your immediate future may be most helpful for you right now.

Having siblings can be great but it can be so hard to share the spotlight with them at times and especially when they are younger and seem to be getting a lot of the love and attention for things such as specific talents or academic greatness that you both may share. Have you or are you able to confront your parents about how you feel sometimes in regards to this? I know that this will be hard and maybe even your parents won’t change and make an extra effort to notice you for who you are like they have in the past, but sometimes just voicing your feelings can be really helpful in that at least you know that it is now out in the open and you have done something instead of sitting in silence and hoping for the best. Of course though, you don’t need to do this and it may feel really uncomfortable in doing so, but if you never try then you don’t know if things will change/ help you feel better again like the old days.

What else do you like/ enjoy doing in life? Like do you have a favourite hobby or special interest in something that your younger sibling does not? If you do then maybe this is something that may help to distinguish you from your sibling and enable others to see you in a different light, something to help you to stand out again. Just an idea and/ or something to think about.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.