#SOMETIMES (much more rarely) the popping doesnt fix it and it hurts so so so bad

[orcelito]

The thing with my cringefail ribs is that it always hurts a little bit but semi frequently they hurt More but then I flex my shoulders to pop my ribs (where they connect to the sternum, aka the problem area) and it relieves the tension and thus pain, so it makes it go back down!

This does not seem like the healthiest thing but it's how I am living with it

[pumpkinsy0]

it’s been a while since a tarry ask so let me be the one to bring them back to life🗣️

can you please give us hcs of them feeling jealousy/insecurity over other people flirting with their man😋

tarry pops up onve every blue moon on this blog honestly, shout out to tarry

•bc theyre busy guys and intimidating, ppl hitting on either of em is pretty rare, theyre more so admired from afar, which means when the other is being hit on, its a LITTLE funny to see, they look pretty calm, but on the inside they r wondering what the hell to do and or want it to end immediately, they dont take it THAT seriously

•i dont think jealousy is something these two rlly face over each other, in their eyes they r relatively grown ass men, they think jealousy only messes things up and r able to understand that when it comes to the other they dont just fall in love w someone on their first time seeing em, so jealousy??? not much of a problem here

•i think it would mainly b tim who feels a type of way over darry being hit on, i do still see tim as a hidden territorial guy and darry hasnt been in a relationship since hs, he doesnt take “typical relationship things” to heart like others would

•this isnt to say they feel NO bad feelings about seeing it happen btw, its just not JEALOUSY!! tim feels a small sense of possessiveness and darry feels insecure relationship wise

•stated before, darry hasnt been in a relationship sine he was in hs, as a result hes pretty stunted in that aspect for his age, so seeing tim getting hit on, darrys thinking “well shit”, hes not jealous they have more experience than him, he accepts that they do and he doesnt do much to stop it or fix it

•funny thing is, darry def gets the person to back off just by standing there, he unknowingly glares at ppl when he stares and hes a big guy, if tim doesnt shoo u away while ur hitting on him, one look from darry sure will

•tim thinks its entertaining and sometimes purposely doesnt show anyone whos hitting in him any attention just to see it happen, darry thinks its so stupid

•as for tims possessiveness, hes still not gonna lose his sense of self, hes not randomly beating someone up, hes just passive aggressive till they get the point, but if they get out of line THATS when he’d get all upset

•darry caught on of this happening and always tells the person that they should go and not hit on him, yes bc hes not interested but also bc he doesnt feel like dealing w tim after a fight (hes a tired man) and he just doesnt want anyone hurt

•im not putting it above tim to NOT leave at least some hickies or whatever on darry, when they leave and r alone, tim isnt a heathen and doesnt make them OBVIOUS, darry can hide em oretty easily, its literally just for darry and him anyways

[lostinyourdreams]

hello !! could i request some affection headcanons for joseph ?? like kisses and cuddles and cute stuff like that 🥺 thank u and good luck with ur blog !

Thank you so much <3 and of course ~

I hope you like them ^ ^

╔══════════════════ ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ══════════════════╗

Well Joseph is a French gentleman so expect him to treat you like royalty

Joseph is fine with small PDA such as handholding, kisses on the forehead, cheek etc;tho he wont really kiss you on the lips in public

He would rather kiss you on your lips behind close doors, he likes to put all his feelings in a kiss that would leave the two of you breathless... well mostly him since I headcanon he has some sort of lung illness

His kisses are just the best, extremely gentle yet full of passion and love

Funny thing, after the two of you begin dating he actually started to use more lipbalm so his lips would be as smooth as possible, he just wanted to make the kisses as enjoyable as possible for you 

Cuddles with him are wonderful tho he is the big spoon no questions asked. 

He loves to lay on his back and have your head on his chest as he gently combs his fingers through your hair or cuddle you from behind and loosely have his arms wrapped around your hips while he whispers sweet nothings to you 

When you are alone together he loves to have you on his lap and read to you, or teach you French, or just listen to you 

Joseph will also bring you breakfast in bed, he is a morning person so he just loves waking up early and getting you breakfast, he just melts when he sees how your eyes light up when he does that 

Will take a lot of pictures of you because honestly he thinks youre breathtaking no matter what you do tho he never shows them to anyone, they just give him inspiration

Will gift you often and they’ll be meaningful gifts, a scrapbook full of photos of you and him together and around the photos he wrote you sweet notes

He wont really hunt you down during matches, if he sees your mirror image he will just pop out of the camera world and hug you from behind before continuing on his marry way to hunt down survivors. If you go for a rescue he wont mind, he’d just sorta let you rescue and then just hit the survivor after you rescued them

Will always take you to the gate or dungeon tho he might just keep you in the match a few moments longer to just spend time with you

Might go friendly if you are in a match with your close friends tho you can bet he will stay with you 100% of his time and ignore the other survivors unless they try to steal you away from him moment where he will just excuse himself and say you need to decode a separate cipher-or the exit gate in case there is one cipher left-

He may or may not get jealous quiet easily but never show it, its not that he doesn’t trust you, he does, he just doesnt trust the others

He is quiet protective of you, if someone hurts you he wont hesitate to threaten them with his sword tho usually he tries to keep his temper but just seeing you hurt makes him see red

Of course he wont harm a hunter who was matched with you since they are supposed to hunt survivors down but Joseph will carry you bridal style to his bed after Emily tended to your wounds and keep you bedridden for the night, he will bring you anything you want or need and in those days he will treat you as if you are made out of glass and might shatter if he holds you too closely

Secretly he loves it when you play with his hair, it simply makes his heart melt whenever you run your fingers through his hair, fix his bow or braid it

You are his muse and he will compliment you often, you are his inspiration after all he needs to remind you just how stunning you are 

He loves you with his every atom of his being so he will try his best not to hurt you but sometimes he may lose his temper and raise his voice at you, after he realize what hes done he is gonna apologize to you and smother you in his love and gifts This happens very rarely since he always tries to behave around you

╚══════════════════ ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ══════════════════╝

[crispclown]

kurogiri hcs

i just have a lot of kurogiri thoughts....

- in canon mostly because i really like the theory that he's an ex-ua student who used to be friendly with aizawa and yamada before his quirk pretty much failed him during a battle and instilled the thought of "never let someone chase an unachievable dream" in aizawa afterwards. he was in a vulnerable position during that time and afo, who seems to watch the ua tournaments and realized kurogiri's quirk had the potential to be incredibly useful to his organization, swooped in similar to how it was with shigaraki and with careful manipulation pretty much became in kurogiri's eyes his savior who helped him realize how horrible the hero society is and gave him a second chance at redemption via villainy. because of this he feels a strong sense of debt towards afo 

- since he hasnt seen what an ass afo is yet he'd do almost anything afo would ask of him without question.

- to add onto the above of being an ex-ua student thats also one of the reasons he constantly has his mist on. i personally believe he does have a normal human form underneath going off how 1-a pinned him down during the ua rescue center scene. having his mist contantly at the ready helps be more prepared for all the sudden unexpected situations villains can fall into as well as disguise him from both media attention and anyone who might recognize him (old friends-) given the fact he's considered legally dead.

- the only people aware of his well. origin story is afo and some of his trusted higher ups who assisted in readjusting kurogiri to their group and pushing him to further his quirk abilities to do what he can do now

- kurogiri never really thought of telling shigiraki about since to him that backstory doesn't matter as much as helping him grow as afo's heir and as kurogiri's adopted son

- the reason kurogiri got into bartending was because when he first joined and he and afo were trying to figure out when he;d fit best kurogiri just sort of realize afo tends to drink A Lot. with all his quirks, its hard for afo to be killed by more normal means like alcohol poisoning and some of them had the side effect of needing a Shit Ton before afo could really get drunk

- so kurogiri just ended up helping fix afo's drinks and over time it morphed into learning how to bartend

- his loyalty to afo s pretty much the only reason kurogiri originally started taking care of shigaraki. afo knew how loyal and steadfast to him and took advantage of it to give him the job of raising/babysitting shigaraki. tbh i don't think kurogiri was fond of shigaraki since the beginning and probably acted more like a butler/robotic towards him at first before the unrelenting Parental Instincts tm kicked in one day after almost a year of looking after him and suddenly realized "oh fuck this is my son"

- during the year of lowkey awkward parenting he was internally having a crisis since in my mind he never really ever thought of having kids during his time as a hero in training so suddenly having the responsibilty of looking after one you know nothing about and is already pretty grown vs wanting to please afo who trusted him enough with the task made him p conflicted during the time

- thankfully(?) afo was the most active in shigarakis life during the beginning years so kurogiri didn't have to have his crisis while being a single dad as well. as shigaraki got older afo just started to withdraw more when he thought shigaraki and kurogiri were getting along well enough and weren't about to fight/betray him any time soon

- if the lov ever decided to break their assosiation with afo, kurogiri would likely still go with lov to make sure shigaraki and crew stay safe and that none of them get too hurt. despite that, he'd still retain quiet loyalty to afo due to his blind faith in him and would probably keep him updated if asked, thinking of it as a "father knows best situation"

- for the lov to be able to have his Total Loyalty, really the only person who could sway him would be shigaraki himself. as much as he feels like he has a debt to afo, shigaraki has pretty much become his own son in kurogiri's eyes (which he likely wouldnt outright admit-) and anything he'd tell him about afo would pretty much be the only stories kurogiri couldn't bring himself to cast doubt onto

- honestly in general shigiraki is pretty much the only one besides afo that he's willing to listen and consider anything he says. everyone else he might listen to but internally there's a possibility hes not really listening depending on the topic. like above, sometimes he thinks he just knows better though he is willing to admit whenever he's wrong

- mild projecting but besides shigaraki his favorite that he won't outright say is his favorite is toga. besides yknow the murdering which tbh doesn;t really bother him, he pretty much sees her as a a+ daughter and is just "lmao your lost" at her family. the only thing he doesn't like about her is when she goes out of her way to aggravate shigaraki or when she starts killing people suddenly and it throws off lov's plan

- he takes great pride in looking nice and presentable and while he might be willing to wear more casual clothes in his rare free time, he refuses to wear clothes like those free tshirts you get at events or his pjs outside his room.

- lowkey passive agressive about s o m e people not wearing socks t o m u r a. or not wearing long enough pants like arent your fucking ankles cold?

- kurogiri does also enjoy being a gentleman to go along with his professional aesthetic since like. just cause youre a villain doesnt mean you gotta be a dick yknow? too many heroes do that anyways (@ endeavor then perish)

- can swear but unable to around children 

- (shigaraki once heard him say fuck when he thought he was alone and its haunted them both ever since. neither of them talk about it)

- he's a villain so like. he doesnt feel bad about killing people or watching them get killed. he was literally willing to murder 13, all might, and 1-a and only didn't because renforments arrived. during their first meeting with toga and dabi, his concern was less about shigaraki killing someone but the concept of shigaraki killing someone who could be useful to their cause. if shigaraki had weighed the options and told kurogiri "yeah im gonna kill them theyre useless", kurogiri wouldnt have seen anything wrong with not stepping in again when shigaraki does so. 

- the only people he would feel bad for killing would be very young children since they remind him too much of how shigaraki used to be. parents of said children have a 50/50 chance depending on how they act

- kurogiri does try to let shigaraki be a grownup tm since hes like. 21 and make his own decisions but he really does have a habit of babying him since hes seen all the stupid shit hes done and said since he was like 5-6 and it all flashes in front of his eys sometimes

- for all the members who Can drink legally hes memorized their usual drinks by now. some of them (magne, twice, spinner-) probably use this to look cooler to recruits but everyone else Knows

- purposely says things like “the pokemens" in front of the younger members to set their fight or flight reflexes off

- video games are basically the only thing he really keeps up to date with pop culture wise tbh. whenever someone pulls him into playing one with them, he just acts like an old man who doesnt understand how to use controllers and lets them win to be nice. if he wanted he Could Destroy Them

- kurogiri doesn't dad anyone who doesn't want a dad figure showing up. he'll still do things like make sure they're being as safe as a villain can be and act as a mediator but otherwise they won't get much witness much dading unless its directed towards someone else

[samwinchesterisourhero]

Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros  Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid.  Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer.  Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder.  This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most. 

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world.  Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice.  Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began.  How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer.  Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again.  Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up.  The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either.  It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out.  The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways.  Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her.  Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years,  and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures.  Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive.  So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes.  There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil

[missjackil]

Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros  Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid.  Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer.  Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder.  This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most. 

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world.  Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice.  Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began.  How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer.  Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again.  Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up.  The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either.  It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out.  The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways.  Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her.  Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years,  and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures.  Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive.  So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes.  There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.