#SKILL ISSUE??? DO I JSUT SUCK???

[lokh]

BRO WHAT AM I DOING WRONG

(reference: the time limit is 50 minutes)

[maverickflare]

why are all the spawncampers on at like 9 40 pm . dont you guys have like. idk. lives.

[sm0kebreaks]

So like. As amazing at the tma has been about fat acceptance and love and has been absolutely vital to a lot of my self acceptance as a fat trans man, because this fandom actually talks about fat people (as opposed to other fandoms where fat characters and hcs are nonexistent), it means it’s also exposed me to the most and worst fatphobia of any fandom. I genuinely don’t even gaf about the actual discourse discussed in this fandom, it’s generally the people who negatively react to discourse of ppl complaining about fatphobia. The initial problems are usually ignorable to me, but it ends up bringing up peoples voices that make it incredibly clear what their true thoughts about fat ppl are. Idrk why I thought I should share this with you, ig just seeing if you have similar experiences.

I struggle here because i don't like to feel like i am attacking other artists. i'm a hater and i love to complain but i know i have my own short comings. but when it comes to the fatphobia in this fandom im always left not knowing how to talk about things because people will come to me and tell me why my complaint about someone thinning out a fat character is wrong or bad.

do keep in mind i dont really engage with the tma fandom as much i feel very much on the outskirts so this is jsut what i feel like i see on my end and i'm sure theres way more going on i simply dont know

in recent months we have had a newer influx of artists in the fandom who have come in with their own interpretations of the characters which is all fine and good. its jarring sometimes when we become so used to these formless characters looking a certain way that when new people enter the fandom with different ideas it feels wrong and like an attack.

the biggest issue has been people drawing a thinner martin. and while of course everyones welcome to their own interpretation and martin expressing that he's not exactly the smallest guy has multiple ways to be interpreted it is extremely frustrating to see people take that as giving him the most bare minimum extra weight. especially when having a fat character as desirable and as a love interest and such a Fun character is so far and few between

i could go on and on about how each time a popular artist posts a thin martin it gives everyone who looks up to them the excuse to do the same and it's why it's become such a prevalent thing lately. i don't think popular artists should have to worry about being good role models or anything in a fandom i think if youre making art you should do it for fun but it sucks to see when someone becomes so influential and are creating a problem. i deleted like three paragraphs on this alone so i'm going to move on.

i think what i see in the fandom most in regards to fatphobia is a skill issue. people don't know how to draw fat characters. but it also feels like people are barely trying. the artist i have in mind who i would consider to draw skinny martins DOES add a bit of roundness to him. i can aknowledge theyre doing SOMETHING. but you can't come to me and tell me that i can't criticize their art because culturally that's fat to them... like sure it could be. but it's also definitely a limitation of their art style and ability and instead of defending them and patting them on the back for doing good enough shouldnt we encourage people to grow and improve? what an amazing asset to be able to draw people of all size and variety. thats an AMAZING abillity to have in youre tool belt. i wish i had more resources for drawing bodyfat but unfortunately i do not. i have learned from looking at people and luckily having a lot of large loved ones in my life i've learned from as well as you know.. my own body to learn from. and learning to draw bodyfat and drawing characters i love with it has done wonders for my body dysmorphia.

i went on a rambling tangent and idk how coherent all of that is but the end point is that fatphobia sucks it has no place in this or any fandom and we need to practice our skills instead of erasing something that has made this fandom so wonderful to me.

here's some resources

[thesedamnthoughtsofmine]

1/19/18

I want to drop out. I have no where to live next year. I have no one to live with. If I live by myself, I will surely fucking kill myself. So my best bet is to move back home and just say fuck it. I literally cannot manage this. My only close real friends are in kentucky and the other wants distance and we just broke up. so life is great. and I’m just so fucking lonely and miserable. and this in between stage is so god damn confusing. like, we are broken up, but still love each other and want to be together. and sometimes he wants to talk and others he ignores me half the day. and i’m just so god damn confused. I have done my healthy coping skills. You bet i’v been googling shit to help me and nothing is helping. because this situation is just too unique. I feel like death. I just want to be with my love so bad. I just want to embrace him and tell him i love him. Right now, he says he is miserable. I just want him to be okay. I don’t want him to suffer. but hell, i’m suffering and he’s been able to set boundaries. He’s the one who said he sucked at boundaries.  but now that were broken up i’m the one having issues with boundaries. when we were together, i was good with them. I was able to do it. thats why im so annoyed because now, it just feels like I can’t do them anymore.

And i’m so annoyed ebcause I’m doing all the coping skills. I’m doing them and resisting the negative ones, but NOTHING IS FUCKING HELPING. I have combatted so many impulses. I want drugs. I want to overdose. I don’t want to be alive anymore because feeling this miserable should be god damn illegal. I hate it. and during the week, it’s fine. because i’m busy with school. but this weekend is horse shit because i’m so used to being with him. and now he’s not here and we arent talking really. an d this is all stupid. its not. but feelings all these things suck. I don’t know how to cope. I feel like I have no peace of mind. Even when i’m doing things to distract, it’s all still there. I cant get away. like my emotions need to fuck off for a good one. He has things to escape with and i’m so jealous. His video games let him not feel. He can respress emotions easier than i can. I cannot repress as hard as i try.. I want something to escape for fucks sake. I just dont want to feel anymore. 

The problem is, he wants to be with me. So we aren’t together rn. So we aren’t dating, but I can’t move on either. I can’t work on getting over him because we are planning on getting back together. I don’t want him out of my life. at all. so all of this is just hard. i don’t know what to do. I want to try not talking to him for a day. I just feel like he holds all of the control. I feel like he gets to decide whether ot talk to me or not and he can control impulses to talk to me. but i have no willpower not to message him. I do everything in my power to not message him, but its so hard. and I dont want to block him or stop talking completely, but i have no idea how to cope with this. I just dont want to feel anymore. I’m tired of feeling. I ahve googled how i can sleep for 2 days straight. I just don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to consciously deal with my emotions anymore. I’m so fucking tired of it. and no one gets it. they keep saying well you have to balance feeling them and using distractions. like okay. that’s what i’m doing. I let myself feel them and when it gets to be too much, i distract. well try. distractions haven’t helped. I still feel everything. so nothing is working. so nothing that is healthy is working anymore. I’m trying soo freaking hard not to do anything stupid or do anything bad, but I feel so helpless and hopeless. Like i’m running out of options. I feel like i’m running out of options. Just stuck. 

i jsut want help. Everything sucks right now. I need help. I need something. I need comfort. Mary sucks ass. so does christa. at least christa listens. mary just ignores everything. and then gets mad at me. and i try and ask for help to distract. and they just turn me down. I have no one close to reach out to, especially in a winter storm.  I feel so trapped. i feel like no one gives a damn about me other than rachel. i want to die. I need support. I need help. I feel so alone. I’m doing my best here. I am trying so fucking hard. The past week has been miserable for me. It has been complete hell. Maybe I should just isolate from everyone. i have nothing going for me right now anyway. I’m trapped in my own apartment with brick walls for roommates, and my best friends who live too far away and wants nothing to do with me currently. I’m trying so hard. I really am. I don’t know what else to do. I really am so lost right now. I need some relief. Gosh, i should just say fuck it. like who cares. genuinely. everything is meaningless. We are all gonna die. It just doesn’t fucking matter. i feel like I have no future anymore. 

God, my BPD is kicking my ass these past couple of days. I feel like everything is meaningless and nothing matters at all. I want to die so bad. I truly do. I jsut don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m so tired. If  had something to keep me completely busy 24/7, i’d be fine. but i have nothing. Nothing that can keep my attention. school won’t be until tuesday. I jsut want school. I just want to be in class. I just dont want to be here anymore. god, please. i want to die so bad. 

[palpablenotion]

i still have the entirety of the finale to watch but who would have guessed ward would be good, joy would be bad, colleen would be hand, and gao wouldn’t be?

every asian introduced was part of the hand or otherwise against danny - every poc has been either working for the bad guys or claire and claire? they over use her and do so poorly. she runs off to china to fight the hand with a guy she just met despite having absolutely zero fighting skills/training besides what growing up in new york has given her, after talking at length about how terrifying/dangerous they were

claire has, in the past, proven to be pragmatic and self-preserving - by that, i mean she doesn’t stick her neck out there unless it’s to act as a nurse, she certainly hasn’t run into battle with no way to fight/defend herself.

oh and she also said it’s never right to kill, no matter who does it or why. ummmmmmmmmmmm - even if you go by irl morality and not action movie morality, we all recognize there’s such thing as self defense/defense of others.

so yea, the whole thing is ridiculous, racist, and frankly, ableist.

Two characters have been wrongly, purposely commited to the same mental ward, danny seems to have some form of ptsd, he keeps flashing back to the plane crash, he’s blacked out before, he’s gripped by irrational, misplaced rage. and this is viewed as pushing him to search out his parents killer without concern for 1) sacred duty, 2) safety of himself or others, 3) truly mind boggling leaps of logic. it pushes him to want to kill. ugh.

“you think your day on the run compares to my lifetime of abuse?” well danny thinks that the death of his parents trumps a lifetime of abuse perpetrated by a father unto his son. danny rand, oppression olympics gold metalist - i mean, i’m not saying watching your parents die doesn’t suck, but i’m also saying that you shouldn’t say “My parents dying trumps you being abused your entire life by your dad, including him forcing  you to do unspeakable acts”

ward might have just died. he’s the only character i didn’t hate by the end

oh ward isn’t dead (yet), just bleeding heavily from being hit in the head by a golf club

holy fuck he jsut flew into the building

ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhmy god why is he wasting so much time and energy

fucker didn’t even remove the gun from the bad guy

we have a real bad guy monologue going on here

harold has been impaled and the way he’s gripping the pipe looks stupidly suggestive

so harold is the dragon and he’s going to prison.... what the fuck, nope, ward shot him, good for ward, run downstairs and cut his fucking head off

if smooshing him on the sidewalk didn’t work, cremating him will

all his legal issues are done, magically, the dea sucks.... omg, j-money (What’s her name?) just said “because you were set up and will be giving the dea a shit ton of money, they won’t press charges”.... the dea is fucking extorting him

now claire is training wit colleen, she wasn’t in any other show this much, and she gave a sanctimonious exit speech, ugh they’re ruining her

so danny is going back to k’uon lung and taking colleen with him

ward walks into rand and there’s a picture of him and danny, not harold and what’s his face

okay ward, hit the picture of harold with a golf club nnow.... damn it, nope

davos and joy are chatting about how danny destroys everything, gao is sitting a table over listening to them

is gao a good guy or bad guy??? didn’t daredevil tell us she’s an alien??? wtf

DANNY CUT HIS HAIR WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

why isn’t this over yet

ha, the hand made it to k’uon lung, danny you did this you motherfucker, yea you’re right it is all your fault, you fought for the iron fist and then you fucking stole it you piece of shit

and that is the end of iron fist season 1