#SHE SAID THAT I FIT MULTIPLE CRITERIA BTW

[danielsbackupglasses]

"They think you don't have autism despite fitting multiple criteria because you could hold a constructive conversation with the doctor" is something my (seemingly) irrational anxiety would say to me at night but that's how it actually turned out hdkdhkwjcjs

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

The C person is a Beningn Narcissist

Carmy is her chosen victim.

She loved-bombed him.

He fell for her because he was vulnerable.

Disclaimer: This meta might already exist. However I tend to avoid reading about the C person, so most likely I avoided it unless it was from a mutual and crossed my way when I was in an extremely good mood, because otherwise I just can't stomach reading about her. But I doubt I'm the first person on Tumblr who noticed she's a narcissist as it can be seen pretty much from outer space. That being said, I will go for it because I have been sitting on this post since I spotted the triangulation she pulled with Tiff on June 26. But also, writing about her feels like pulling teeth to me. So wish me luck. Here I go:

I have been going over this massive black hole from Carmy's perspective on multiple occasions already:

Stuck in her mud

Backfire

He let her take the wheel

And barely edging it from hers:

Her reverse psychology

Her dark side

Source: Psychology Today

From the outside, it's quite easy to spot her first red flag 🚩when she didn't take the "wrong number hint" and bulldozed into his life. Obviously, Carmy didn't, and let's not say the C person is unattractive or downright unfuckable because that would be not only mean but also inaccurate, she's the kinda woman a guy who barely ever gets laid would be all over if she was easy and willing, which she was, even if that guy wasn't Carmy. No man with a pulse would resist a woman like that who wanted to get into his pants so badly. So Carmy was no exception. Let's not blame it all on his mental health and on Syd never giving him the slightest hint that she was interested in him as anything other than a business partner at that point. Let's be realistic.

Well, turns out that not taking the phone number hint was not her only NARCISISTIC red flag that showed her 0 fucks given for other people's agency. The list went on and on... The other one was the party she "invited him" to, basically manipulating him in the car to accept the invitation, etc. I will not go into all of her red flags because I'm positive that they have already been covered by all Sydcarmy truthers since S2 premiered.

What I will say is that those were not just red flags, they were narcissistic traits and in her case, since she's a caretaker and works in the healthcare industry, specializing in Emergency, plus she triangulated with Tiff to spread HER SIDE OF THE STORY after being broken up with in a really fucked up way to play the victim in a passive-aggressive fashion, typical of her kind, she could very well fit the criteria to be profiled as a Beningn Narcissist and that would make Carmy her victim, not her boyfriend.

It's important to clarify that having Narcissistic personality traits or a Narcissistic personality and having a Narcissistic personality disorder ARE NOT the same. I won't elaborate on that one either but FYI narcissistic TRAITS are present in 70% of the world population yet NPD only affects a much lower number. I don't cite references here because most narcissistic cases are sub-clinical, which means they do not show up in consult. So all the figures that authorities have are estimates.

That being said, the C person is a clear case of a sane person (no disorder can be diagnosed based on what's canon) who does show multiple traits that can effortlessly typecast her character as the Bening Narcissist type, which would definitely be a type that would feel attracted to someone with the dysfunctional psychological makeup that Carmy clearly has.

Again, I would rather stay out of that angle, what I will do now though, is go over all the red flags from a behavioral perspective to get to the point that actually concerns me, which is: Why is Clairmy doomed.

Her cluelessness about Carmy's unwillingness to remain in touch with her by giving her the wrong number is nothing but LACK OF EMPATHY.

BTW: his first response to her asking for his number was to give her the wrong one, but his second one was ALSO NO, repeatedly:

Her convenient "My cousin bailed on me." was nothing but another manipulation and ENTITLEMENT because she put him in a place where he was gonna look like an ass if he said no, so she assumed he was gonna agree to it if she played that card and she wasn't wrong. Of course, she wasn't, she must do this just about dozens of times a day, she's a fucking pro at it.

Not to mention her "little entitlement joke" as subtle as a bull in a china store:

Her childlike attitude is nothing but GRANDIOSITY in disguise:

She tries to mask everything with humor and sympathy, but her dysfunctional behavior is anything but funny and Carmy eventually noticed when he noticed she was absorbing him completely to the point where he had to choose between her and Syd the restaurant.

Had that been a healthy/functional relationship, he wouldn't have had to choose because they would have seen each other maybe once a week and talked every now and then like a normal couple that is in the early stages but she LOVED BOMBED HIM. She spent every spare minute she was not at the hospital either at his place or texting him. We don't know if Carmy stayed at some point at her place too, but that is plausible.

These narcissists only talk about themselves or work to make your story, or what you are saying, about them. There's no way I'm gonna rewatch and record the scene where he tells her that Sunday is his least favorite day of the week, but you sure know what I'm talking about. And it's extremely likely that such a sequence was very common between them. Those "talks to get to know each other better and share, etc..." always ended with HER anecdotes, where she looked like a heroine without a cape. I bet.

These benign narcissists have a superficial immaturity and often resemble teenagers, as they don't have emotional maturity, which is also why Carmy and her felt this mutual attraction since they were young. They were always a match.

He's also an emotionally immature person, but in his case is a trauma response, not a narcissistic trait. I went over his immaturity here.

But Carmy is changing. He's learning the hard way.

Bonus track: She's the predator, he is the prey.

I wanna point out how Claire displayed predatory behaviors, viewing Carmy as her prey because by overruling his consent in giving her his personal contact information and then love bombing him as I explained above she was trying to own him, not just be with him. She was trying to take over every minute of his time, which is what we saw in S2 and gladly ended like this ↓

But it could have very well ended like IRL, where the prey is completely isolated from their circle and loses friends, family, jobs, etc. Before they notice, their entire world revolves around the predator, which makes them stick by their side because is not like they have anyone else. The prey ends up with an empty life where the predator is their only company, their only "friend", their only link to any social life. As you can imagine ending and leaving those relationships is complicated and it's also usually devastating for the "prey". Carmy didn't take it that far, thanks to Cicero's intervention and because he was actually already "taken" by Syd. Otherwise, the story would have been quite different. Carmy's walk-in breakdown also helped. That trauma triggered the crisis that brought to the front of his mind all the reasons why C is not and will never be the person he should be with, not because she represents amusement and enjoyment but because she represents a mirror that will forever reflect and replicate his own dark side, the dark side he wants to break free from, for Syd and for the star he feels he owes her.

B side: How do Narcissists pick their prey? Narcissists feel attracted by people's strengths and talents because they feel their "prey" makes THEM look good. The trophy wife/husband is a typical accessory these types love to wear and collect. If we dig into C's past we will most likely find many "Carmys", possibly doctors, professors, etc. Narcissists feel attracted to those who validate their feelings and are docile so they can get their way with them. This was the test and Carmy failed, which gave her the greenlight she wanted and needed to do her thing:

Had Carmy stood his ground, she wouldn't have considered him "prey material". The second test came seconds later when she asked him to help her move her thriving mother's boxes out of nowhere. Again, she pushed and he didn't stand his ground, she advanced. And that's how she was testing him over and over in every interaction to see how far he let her go, the further, the more his prey status consolidated in her eyes. Otherwise, she would have lost interest in him pretty much immediately, and in her version of the story he would have been a piece of shit who lied to her from the get-go and that would have been the story that she would have made sure got spread around. Narcissists feel attracted to people who overlook their shortcomings and won't leave them high and dry because they want to foster a co-dependent relationship with their prey for the reasons aforementioned, and C did that in the car, at the party, etc. She was open about certain things that she did in her past, strategically breadcrumbed for him to think of her as "real and honest" but also a test to see how he reacted to them, he let them slide. He didn't see a red flag in her circle of 30-year-old kleptomaniac teenager-like friends who threw a party mid-week and played with fireworks in a backyard till someone called the police on them. Again, Carmy FAILED the test, which greenlighted her.

I won't elaborate on the following concepts because they are painfully obvious: Narcissists are attracted to people with low self-esteem and co-dependency issues, which is exactly what due to his history of abuse with Donna, that is the only abuse she knew about but it's only the first one on Carmy's record because Chef Fields came next, she knew Carmy fit these criteria. Jeremy recently said in an interview that there's a co-dependency issue between his character and Jamie Lee Curti's and of course, there's Donna’s alcoholism → Narcissists are attracted to someone who has already UNSUCCESSFULLY DEALT WITH another narcissist because that is precisely what entails the low self-esteem and co-dependency issues they need their prey to have so they can succeed in predating on them.

All of these behaviors or red flags are obviously operated from an unconscious level. C is not deliberately and consciously choosing to do any of this. She's soooo used to operating on this level that this is exactly like breathing for her. The break-up with Carmy may or may not be a wake-up call for her but no one can change personalities. Either way, IDGAF TBH.

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋

[superultrachicken]

Triggering RWDE

Adam

Adam was a villain because he was a possessive ex-boyfriend who attempted to kill the people Blake cared about to get back at her for leaving him. She literally had to sever the links between two train cars to have enough time to physically get away from him before he could track her down.

He didn’t go off the deep end with his bigotry until it was obvious that Blake loved a human more than him.

Ironwood

What made Ironwood an intriguing character to me when he was introduced was his charismatic narcissism. All the way up to his death, the man has an air of authority about him. But...

- He brought a full military force with him to an peaceful international festival, the entirety of of which was under his explicit control.

- He entered an artificial huntress into a competition with the intent of showing off the fact that he was going to make hunters irrelevant.

- He tried to intimidate the other world leaders into using his military after being chastised for bringing said military with him.

These aren’t the actions of a cautious man. These are a show of power in an attempt to start a dick measuring contest with the other world leaders.

Ironwood was never a good person as per canon. He was only a good person in your fan fiction (which isn’t canon btw). You all just need to latch onto a character that you’ve personally diagnosed with PTSD, when he doesn’t have PTSD and was just trying to keep the last bit of power that he had.

But oh, wait, we do have a character with very well written PTSD who hasn’t fully gotten over it. Multiple actually. The entirety of RWBY suffers from PTSD and they deal with it in different ways. LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. You don’t need to be a neurotic mess or depressed to be traumatized, PTSD manifests different for everybody and it’s very obvious none of you have experienced it.

Salem

The only reason you guys haven’t started stanning Salem is because she was undeniably white-coded before the events of the show. She fits all the other criteria.

- She was tragic backstory and was unjustly punished.

- She’s hot.

- She has anger issues.

- She’s possessive of something.

- She has multiple instances of severely traumatic events that have led to her wanting to destroy the world.

I think the reason you guys don’t stan her is because she doesn’t show a kind hand to the rest of the cast. She doesn’t care to help them at any point or use them to her benefit because she knows she can’t manipulate these people.

The Faunus

I’ve noticed a few of you saying that M&K are racist toward the fictional race.

This is a wake up call, faunus do not exist.

----

Edit: Removed the White Fang section as people actually had sources to back up their claims

[bruh-haikyuu]

Hey! Can I request the Seijoh teams reactions to finding out that Kyotani has a gf whose the total opposite of him? She's from another school but these hoes manage to spot them getting close behind a corner when she comes to support Kyotani at an official game or sm. Btw, I really enjoy your writing! 💖

A/N: you see,,, I deadass have this complex for delinquent-looking characters who are actually soft. Even though the chances of coming across one of those is rare, THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE ARE MY TYPE. SO THIS REQUEST REALLY WENT AND S P O K E TO ME. THANK YOU ANON FOR QUENCHING MY THIRST

cingulomania. | kyōtani kentarō

word count: 2057

warnings: some swearing!

(n.) a strong desire to hold a person in your arms

At first, Kyoutani had been your neighbor. True to everyone’s surprise, he was much shyer in person regardless of how much boys and girls in your neighborhood told you that he was a monster. You thought that he was alright.

It was when both of your parents introduced you to each other that you started to slowly build the foundation of your friendship. He’d timidly nag you to help him play volleyball and dirty your clothes when you accompanied him to check on the stray dogs by the river. You’d drag him up to your room to play pretend restaurant and ask him to pick out one of your frilly dresses to wear to a birthday party. Your differences didn’t matter to any of you. You thought that he was kind.

He was ‘Ken-chan’ to you for a rather long while until he’d snap at you to stop calling him by that nickname. You were hurt, of course. As any other 10-year old would. But you had complied to his demands, even with tears and snot streaming down your face. He had never yelled at you, not even once. So he had hugged you that day, engulfing you with his regret and affection. And that was when it started for you. You thought that he was kind of cute.

Your feelings for your childhood friend didn’t remedy as time passed; much to your chagrin, you felt that it simply multiplied. Especially as the both of you matured into your second year of junior high, when Kyoutani decided that he wanted to have his volleyball skills “known and feared throughout the prefecture”. But was there really a need for it though? You thought that he was already amazing.

In your last year of junior high, you felt a rift beginning to form between the two of you. It had become increasingly difficult to even spend time together, especially with your high school entrance exams looming over the corner. The lunch box you usually reserved for him had gone cold from being untouched for months. You had made many friends in hopes to fill the growing hole in your heart while he had made multiple… adversaries. You didn’t like making hunches, but it had seemed like Kyoutani was deliberately avoiding you. He’d run off quickly whenever he saw you and barely replied to your texts anymore. It was like he never wanted you in his life to start with. You had cried in heartbreak from the thought. You thought that he was selfish.

After what seemed like ages without contact, Kyoutani had finally called out to you, saying he wanted to talk. You were angry, seething even; you considered turning him down. This was the same boy who avoided you like a plague for months. But he was the same boy you grew up with and by the graces of your ancestors, fell in love with. You hadn’t even thought of an outcome when you accepted his invitation. It wouldn’t matter to him anyway. You thought that he was spontaneous.

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

“Sorry for avoiding you,” he had said, sheepishly scratching the back of his hair. “I guess you felt a bit lonely.”

“Thanks for noticing,” your response had been ice cold that day and your frown didn’t falter.

You had agreed to talk to him by the river you used to play at. Silence dwindling between the both of you, you had watched his contorted expression reflect off the river’s waters.

“But you had been making so much friends lately, it was kind of hard for me to talk to you.”

Your frown had only deepened into a frustrated pout, “You’re one to talk! You and your volleyball. Volleyball early in the morning, volleyball late into the night. It’s always been volleyball when we were kids too, Kentarou! I didn’t want to stop you from doing what you love, but it doesn’t have to be like this either, you moron…”

Kyoutani’s lips had fallen into a flat line and his eyes wavered from yours. You had brought your knees closer to your chest and spoke again.

“I got into Wakabayashi Girls’ High School.”

“Ah, congratulations… I heard the criterias for Waka-joshi are the toughest—”

“You don’t get it!” There it was. Your string had finally snapped.

“…”

“I know we can’t be together forever. I know that! Our paths to different high schools are proof of it. But somehow I want us to,” you had muttered, slowly unlocking every defenseless part of your heart accompanied with the hot, searing tears that nearly swallowed your face whole. “I want us to be together for a really long time, Kentarou. But… but not as… not as…”

“Not as friends.”

When you had looked up to see him, he wasn’t like he was Kentarou anymore. It was like he was Ken-chan all over again. Your Ken-chan. You’d missed him so much it hurt, but you were glad he was here.

“We’re so different. You’re sociable and cute and you cry at the smallest things. And I’m just… the fucking worst.”

You hand had reached out to take his, fingers lacing with each other. “Ken-chan…”

“But I can’t help it. I hated myself for the longest time for it but I wondered if I really did have a chance with you. I wondered if you’d let me ruin this friendship of ours. Or maybe you’d hate me forever for it. But hearing you say that to me now, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

Kneeling in front of you, he had taken both of your hands, eyes fixated on the small rhinestones you had pasted on your nails. Against the rough palms of his beastly hands, yours had seemed so tiny, but he couldn’t help but to notice how well it fit with the contours of hand.

“I like you, Y/N. Please go out with me.”

Just like that, Kyoutani Kentarou had offered you his entire heart. And you took it unconditionally.

Arms thrown around his shoulder, you had sobbed hysterically into his shoulder, splotches of tears staining his shirt. “K-Kentarou!”

“H-Hey, I’ll fall over! Idiot, don’t just do things like this so suddenly!” he had scolded but ultimately rested his arms around your torso as he fell into the calming lullaby of your heart. You had smiled.

You thought that he was rather silly.

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

You felt like you were going to lose yourself in the crowd sooner or later.

When Kyoutani told you it was going to be “a little packed” in the Sendai City Gymnasium, you didn’t think you’d be squeezed in like a can of anchovies. You were going have to ask him to be more specific about numbers next time.

“Hey, Y/N-chan, you think Oikawa-kun will make eye contact with me from the stands?” your friend Natsumi murmured, looking at you with hopeful eyes.

“Nacchan, you’re lacking ambition!” your other friend Yayoi chuckled, affectionately ruffling Natsumi’s well-kept hair. “We’ve got our secret weapon Y/N on our hands. If anything, we’ll ask her boyfriend to introduce us.”

“Yayoicchi, I don’t think Kentarou would want to do something like that,” you finally chirped, having given up on trying to interpret the lousily marked venue map.

“So selfish, Y/N-chan! You guys are so different, I don’t get why you don’t just go for the cute guys,” Natsumi groaned.

“But it’s quite romantic, isn’t it? The tale of Seijoh’s beastly Mad Dog and Waka-joshi’s sparkly princess…” Yayoi swooned, her glasses nearly slipping down her face.

Just as you were about to chastise your friends for being annoying, your cell phone piped up, alerting you of a text from your “beastly” boyfriend.

From: Kyoutani Kentarou

Subject: Where are you?

10:34 AM

I’m waiting by the entrance. Hurry up. I only have a few minutes before the others find out I’m missing.

You replied with a quick “I’ll be right there!! \(-ㅂ-)/ ♥ ♥ ♥” and hurried your way through the bustling crowd.

“Y/N-chaaan! Where are you going?” Natsumi hollered.

“I’ll be back! You two find our seats, okay?”

“Hey, Y/N! Buy us some croquettes while you’re at it!” Yayoi echoed, her voice drifting away with the background.

When the cool breeze of the spring air kissed your face, you felt your shoulders lighten—it was beyond your imagination, but you survived the rampaging influx of people in the gym.

It didn’t take long for you to identify a lanky, scary-looking boy tucked away into a secluded corner of the gym’s field. Approaching him carefully, you felt him flinch violently under your grasp when you wrapped your arms around his torso as a surprise.

“Kenta~rou!”

“Y/N! Don’t do shit like that!” Kyoutani scolded, turning around in your embrace to pull at your cheeks in annoyance. “I could’ve punched you by accident or something.”

“Kentarou, stop pulling at my cheeks,” you grumbled, hands flying to his wrists to unsuccessfully pry him off your springy face. “If you’re going to punch me, then punch me out of love~”

“No way. You’re weird.”

“Don’t be cruel. I came here to watch you play,” you pouted, crossing your arms in mock frustration. “It was super hard to ask for permission from the teachers and my parents to come here right after school ended, you know!”

Kyoutani nodded solemnly, giving your head a few gentle pats before finding interest in your shoes. “I see. Sorry for all the trouble and thanks for coming, I guess.”

You gave him a pleasant smile, enough to make him hear angels singing in the horizon. “It’s okay, Ken-chan. Do your best today, alright?”

“Y-yeah.”

Leaning in to press a quick kiss to his cheek, you were stopped in motion when a shrill cry broke the atmosphere between the two of you.

“Yoohoo, Mad Dog-chan! We’re done registering, so let’s—Oh?”

Kyoutani tensed up against your skin. Ah, it was him. The elusive captain of the Aoba Johsai Volleyball Club. Heartthrob Oikawa Tooru, accompanied by every other senior Kyoutani had been so dead-set on avoiding just for this moment.

“Ain’t that the Wakabayashi Girls’ High uniform?” Matsukawa said, eyeing your uniform intently.

“Ah, that’s right!” you exclaimed. You had completely forgotten to change out of your uniform when you hurriedly chased the bus to the gymnasium.

Placing his hand beneath his chin in a display of wonder, Oikawa flashed you a grin that was sure to make Natsumi and Yayoi green with envy. “So, what’s a pretty Waka-joshi princess like you doing out here with our Mad Dog? Are you his relative? Or maybe his friend? Or perhaps—”

“Don’t.” Kyoutani stressed, teeth bared in defense. “Let’s just go already.”

Sighing in defeat, Oikawa complied, only once turning back around to simply wink at you and say, “I hope you’ll be cheering for me, Himesama-chan~”

You shivered in disgust. Now you were certain why Kyoutani wanted to evade him at all costs.

Once you were sure Kyoutani’s seniors were gone way past the corner, you called out for your boyfriend again.

“One more thing, Kentarou.”

“What is it now?”

Giving him a light peck on his chapped lips, you grinned when he stared at you with eyes as wide as saucers. “Good luck.”

At that exact moment, you thought that he looked a bit like an excited Corgi.

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

“She kissed him!”

“Be quiet, Oikawa, he’ll hear us,” Iwaizumi hissed, craning his neck a little further in hopes to get a clearer view of your romantic escapade.

“I’ll bet you this week’s ramen that he scared her into dating him or something,” Hanamaki said, eyebrows furrowing deeply. “There’s no logical way. She’s just so fluffy and cute and he… Nah, man! It just doesn’t add up like that.”

“Lucky, he’s just lucky. Maybe he drew some kind of crazy fortune on New Years’.”

“I want crazy fortune like that too, we’re going to need it to win against Shiratorizawa this year.”

“Makki, you’re asking for too much. Luck comes from hard work too, you know.”

“Hey, if you think about it… We’re third years who spend our days playing and thinking about volleyball; it’s like we’re married to it or something,” Matsukawa pondered aloud. “Even Kyoutani has a cute girlfriend to balance it all out. At some point, aren’t we kind of…”

The third years sighed, shoulders slumping, realization dawning across their features.

“Lame.”

[lavenderpearls]

Some thoughts about Basta (and Capricorn)

I just saw a post about the Inkheart characters and how PTSD could be a possible explanation for Basta‘s behavior. And I had thoughts about it.

So I decided to share them, even though I have no idea if anyone is interested in this.

I think that PTSD is kinda a part of what’s going on with Basta. We know he had a rough childhood, wasn’t treated well by his parents or the people that were supposed to care for him back then. And later Fenoglio stated that Capricorn didn’t treat him much better. (And let’s be honest, we also see that Capricorn only „cares“ for him as long as he‘s useful). And then there’s all the other stuff, like that time he got both his arms burned or later when Mo read him, Capricorn and Dustfinger out of their world.

So yeah, he surely has been through a lot.

But while that would be enough to end up with PTSD, I think he fits the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder a bit better.

According to the DSM-5 the symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder are

• Failure to confirm to social norms concerning lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest. (Do I even have to say anything here?Basta killed people, is the reason for Dustfingers scars, stole stuff, broke into houses, used to set things on fire, kidnapped people, all of this multiple times and in Inkspell it‘s literally mentioned that he was arrested after Capricorn died)

• Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure (Tbh this is more of a Capricorn thing, who also has ASPD imo, just a different subtype, but I‘ll get into that later)

• Impulsivity or failure to plan. (Throughout all the books Basta is CONSTANTLY doing impulsive stuff, and in Inkheart Capricorn literally said that this was a problem with him)

• Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults. (I can’t mention all the times this was the case, it would be too much)

• Having no regard for the safety of self or others. (Pretty self explanatory.)

• Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations (A little more difficult, because of the way the inkworld works and how Basta's life turned out in our world. He‘s never had a normal job. His job basically was being a criminal.)

• Lack of remorse, or inability to feel guilt, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another. (The times he killed people and didn’t give a shit? The fact that he had no problem with threatening children? Just to name a few things. He never really seemed to feel guilty for all the things he did. The only time he kinda feels bad about it is when he thinks this could cause problems for himself, like that time he made sure the cat in Meggies room could escape through the window. He didn’t care about the cat. He was worried that it would bring bad luck to him to let it starve in there. Just as an example.)

So with all this we can be pretty sure he has ASPD.

But there’s more to unpack.

One of the criteria for the disorder is that these or at least similar antisocial behaviors already occurred before the age of 15. We don’t know exactly if they did, but I think we can assume it. If I remember it correctly Fenoglio mentioned that Basta was younger than Meggie, wo was 12 at that time, when Capricorn took him in. And probably not because he felt sorry for the boy, but because he saw something in him that could be useful later.

Speaking about Capricorn. I said that I’m sure he also has ASPD. But he’s pretty different from Basta. At least in some ways. He’s so cold most of the time, much less impulsive, he’s able to plan ahead and also to control a bunch of other criminals.

To make this a little shorter, there’s a lot of different theories about this that include different subtypes, but one basically says that you can somewhat put people with ASPD in two different groups.

The ones that are cold, more rational and manipulative (like Capricorn) and the ones that are more openly aggressive and impulsive, like Basta. (That’s also where people sometimes draw the line between psychopaths and sociopaths, even though there‘s also a little more to that, but I‘m not gonna get into it now cause this text is already ridiculously long)

But to stay with all this 'subtype of ASPD'-stuff for a little longer - you might wonder at this point where Basta's superstitions and his constant fear of bad luck fits into all this. And I have a theory for that as well.

Malignant Narcissism. A syndrome first described by Otto Kernberg. It’s, to keep it short, a mix of narcissistic personality disorder (which btw very often appears together with ASPD) and ASPD.

It’s, apart from all the stuff I mentioned earlier, characterized by sadism (remember how Basta actually enjoys threatening people, how he likes to tell stories about all the awful stuff he and others did in detail, watching people get uncomfortable, etc? Sounds pretty sadistic to me.) AND paranoia. He’s constantly afraid something bad is gonna happen. But this could also be due to some OCD that he might have as well. (I gotta say this here, with personality disorders it’s not uncommon for people to have multiple ones that overlap. That’s what often makes it so hard to give a proper diagnosis.)

But what’s more interesting to me is that malignant narcissists, while usually not caring about anyone but themselves and being unable to maintain healthy relationships with others (remember when Dustfinger was hiding in Bastas house and mentions that Basta has literally no friends?), can show some sort of loyalty to a few people. Which is the case for Basta, since he‘s incredibly loyal to Capricorn.

So while generally being a pretty awful person, Basta has, at least somewhat, the ability to care about a selected few individuals.

Which I think is also the reason why there’s more fanfiction about him than Capricorn. Capricorn doesn’t care about anyone. He doesn’t even care about his own mother, or Resa, who was known to be his favorite of out all the maids. As soon as she caused problems for him, he decided to get rid of her. So with him, there’s a lot less to explore and to work with.

And, something more general about ASPD, it‘s as far as we know at this point, usually caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors, such as neglect or abuse during childhood.

And Capricorn is a great example for this, since the genetic and environmental factors are both definitely there. We know his father used to beat him, and Mortola displays a lot of ASPD symptoms herself.

And for Basta, it was mentioned that he was a very unhappy child. Sadly we don’t know anything about his parents or what exactly happened during his childhood. (Maybe we could ask Cornelia about his parents in the next livestream?)

There’s still more I could talk about, for example some interesting studies about ASPD and reactions to fear that would also apply to both Basta and Capricorn, just in different ways or how ASPD works in general, but maybe I‘ll make a different post about that sometime.

Also feel free to tell me what you guys think about this, it‘s super interesting and I bet there’s even more to say that I haven’t talked about.

[nongoxi]

Hewwo internet I guess first post on this hellsite for the first time in a long time...? Idk what I’m fully expecting here, I think I want this to be a journal? A safe place to say what I feel without being judged for how I feel about it. Obviously I want professional help, but right now I don’t feel that this is possible, and I feel guilty trying to pay for it.

Background on that; I live with a very nice roommate who lets me live with him for nothing. He doesn’t ask anything of me and usually we try to split house duties about 50/50. Anyway, that’s irrelevant and tbh if I could go get a job, I definitely would.

I do feel guilty for not being able to work well, at least not from what I’ve learned about myself. Every time I try, I get so fucked in the head and end up quitting after a few weeks because I can’t handle it...

I’ve been diagnosed with so many things at this point that idk what to believe. CPTSD, regular PTSD, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, probably some other thing that I’m entirely unaware of. Who knows. I’ve been undiagnosed with DPD and BPD so that’s at least good? Idk, BPD was a large stretch by what seemed like a pill pushing asshole. And DPD came after that with a proper evaluation. Its been over 5 years since then though, and recent therapy sessions have said I more than likely don’t fit that diagnostic criteria anymore. So yay for improvement?

Depression and anxiety make sense, but I honestly think they’re symptoms of cPTSD (which was originally thought to be PTSD or PTSD like symptoms depending who you ask). I feel most hopeless when it’s like... in relation to past trauma and I can usually function well until something triggers me. Then it’s just breakdown after breakdown that could possibly last for two or three hours, maybe longer. I’ve only really had a few strong flashbacks... those were scary, being encompassed by an abuser who still follows me some places online. Yet I still question if I’m the true abuser, even though I really have no ill will towards anyone who’s ever harmed me. I just want peace I guess. Idk, it’s hard to know if I’ve ever been super toxic or abusive myself you know? Like, just trying to control my own life and my own will. Trying to gauge what’s good for me or not and make choices that are for myself idk. I’m not making much sense anymore so I’ll move on I think.

I’ve tried multiple different types of medication, mostly SSRIs and benzos and firstly, benzos are trash don’t get me started on the major addiction I was starting to develop or the emotional want of that high in the first place. Second, SSRIs pretty much always just make me wanna like... not exist. Like in the bad way. I’ve been on a few mood stabilisers and I’m allergic to the most common one, so that was fun dealing with whether or not the rash was gonna spread to my mouth. It didn’t, but you know, it was on my chin so let’s just not think about that anymore. I think the sad thing is, I want to be better, I really do. But with having taken probably over 30 medications with no help so far? I just want to get better without medicine. It feels like I’m always forced to take medications that I don’t want to though. You want therapy? Gotta have a psychiatrist too. Why? Idk, money? Maybe? I feel like therapy would be more productive if I could deal without having to have a medication station looking over my shoulder, ready to shove pills between my lips though. I’m tired of medicine.

Even Wellbutrin makes me feel like I want to self harm or not exist. Using it to stop smoking has been painful and honestly I’m still smoking just as much so? Guess it’s not working anyway. I’ll tell my gp about this at any rate, because she seems like she’s the only doctor who actually listens to me when I say something.

Speaking of which, I need to write a list of what things I’m feeling so I can give it to her. I’m scared, but I think it would benefit me in the end. And maybe she’ll listen to me about the “potential” ED I have. Look, I know I have food problems, I exhibit a lot of fucking symptoms of A, B, and BED but haha I’m fat so no one listens. Look, going through a binge phase for like 4 months straight and feeling uncontrollable urges to eat the whole house? Gaining 20 pounds in that time? 5 pounds a month isn’t that bad but bruh I weigh enough that my daily caloric intake is 2900 without exercise for maintain. Like 3500-4000 cals a day isn’t normal can we just discuss that thanks??? Anyway. No doctor wants to hear it and I always get the “write your calories down” stuff which makes me just... want to control it down to 1200 or less a day and. I try so hard not to do that and I’m stuck now. I don’t know what to do anymore and I need help but lmao wow that’s.. Impossible to get when you’re fat I guess. And it’s not just “I’m 180 pounds I’m so fat”, no I’m around the 275-325 mark (no exact details because I really don’t want people to know who I am or how I may look physically, if anyone ever actually finds this).

Idk where to even go from here. I feel better writing this out. I have no clue what to even remotely say. I wanted to vent and I guess I did so, but I didn’t really vent about what I wanted to, so now I’m just confused. Hell, I barely remember what I wanted to vent about so this is probably better. Imma sign off on this though for now, maybe I’ll be back. Who knows.

Btw, call me Nogi if you wanna use a name. I’m agender, but I’m comfortable with any pronouns (they/she/he/it). I’m 25. I’d prefer minors not interact with me, and that’s about the only reason I bring up age. So if you’re a minor, please leave.

I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to speak about how I feel and vent. Maybe reblog cute things? Or vent things? But mostly I’m here for me. Respect that.

[fourteen--steps]

On big goldfish, and listening to each other

I apologize if the tone of this post is maybe a little more snippy than my usual ones. I’m usually very thoughtful with my words but I’ve had an incredibly rough physical and emotional week and I’m running low on spoons to devote to thinking things through properly. My frustration’s gonna bleed through here but I don’t want anyone to take it personal cause it’s really more me than you.

That said. 

Remember that whole trend a while ago of “don’t give advice on animals you haven’t kept or deeply researched?” What ever happened to that? What ever happened to respecting the expertise and hearing out the opinions of people who actually have it in that field vs demanding you’re right because you’ve read some care sheets and seen some photos of worst case scenarios?

My whole life and world has been immersed in goldfish for the last several years. Keeping multiple breeds of both single tail and fancy, reading, researching, joining everything from casual hobbyist groups to those of serious breeders and highly respected names. I’ve moderated, built, and eventually owned my own care forum. I’ve spent hours reading vet manuals and scientific articles, as well as conducting necropsies on every animal I lose to better understand their inner workings and what’s gone wrong. I had the wonderful experience last summer of raising a small batch of someone else’s fry. I’ve experimented with all different kinds of food and filtration and maintenance and decor and enrichment.

I don’t know everything, nobody can. I’m not perfect, nobody is. But I can say with confidence I know a lot about the care and keeping of goldfish overall, and that my information is overall very solid and thought out. 

So when someone comes in my inbox and asks my opinion on something goldfish related, my answer comes with all that experience and thought behind it. I often include caveats in my answers when I’m not 100% sure, or if I believe there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. I’m not so bigheaded as to believe that my way is absolutely always right and will work for every situation and every fish. But I answer in earnest and with confidence and reasoning. 

But then my posts get immediately doused with comments from people who to the best of my knowledge have little to no experience with the species. The ones who do have experience tend to be polite in their responses, if not a bit misguided, although even then their knowledge tends to bottom out at keeping some orandas in a 40B or having tended a garden pond. Often the other comments are far more cursory and involve varying amounts of dismissal of my opinion entirely, insults, condescension, and most frustratingly, wild misinformation (much of which I’ve only heard echoed back and forth within the microcosm of tumblr, and never from a reputable outside source)

Like I’ve read a fair amount about bettas now both on here and elsewhere just cause they’re such popular fish and I’m a nerd and I’m curious. But I’ve never kept one, and I’m not an expert, and I’d never go be snappy on the advice post of someone who I know has a lot more practical and academic knowledge with them than I do? At the very least I could politely ask a question or voice a dissenting opinion with some of my reasoning, possibly acknowledging the deficits in my experience, but diving straight in with the vitriol just baffles me. 

It’s come to my attention people are vagueing about me now and that’s just? So fucking childish and unnecessary. I’m also being accused of having stunted fish based on, among other things, the old eye proportion criteria, but btw that image of the ranchu that circulates as an example? Is heavily photoshopped and not a reliable catchall method to determine stunting.

For those who didn’t believe Zoom is as big as I said, I took this picture today. He’s not the most personable of my fish so he wouldn’t let me get him against a measuring tape but I measured my hand like that at about 4 inches, then pasted those identical bars on him (swear the blue bar is the same I just recolored so it’d stand out, not sure why it looks a little longer than the red). He’s just under 8 inches, nose to peduncle. Maybe even a tad longer cause he always curls a little when I flip him on his side (also why his side looks a little sunken here, he was getting ready to snap back and splash me in the face :P). When measuring goldfish you don’t include fins, by standard. If you wanna tack on the extra inch or so of tail go ahead and call him 9″

I also weighed him, he’s 109 grams which is a tad less than I’d like but I’ve been having issues with one fish in the tank needing a specialized diet so they’ve all been getting a little less protein than usual lately. The fish with the diet issue is probably going to be going back to @finefeatheredfish​ soon and I can pick up with weekly Worm Nights as usual again. His body condition is still good though rounded from above without being bloated, muscular rather than fatty, with a nice smooth taper head to tail and a bit of a belly. He’s not a very tall fish, but that’s more cause he’s a badly bred feeder fish who doesn’t fit the perfect common genetic standard than anything. Height isn’t about health, that’s a genetic characteristic that some fish just won’t achieve. In fact many tall “humpy” commons are not actually properly tall, but have large fat deposits along the tops of their bodies particularly built up behind the head which are an indicator of poor diet and overfeeding. 

In fact if you want, here’s the US hibuna show standard! Take a look!

What about the eye thing? It’s huge compared to his head right? Well here’s a shubunkin posted by Gary Hater, currently one of the most well respected breeders in the US hobby, both for his fish quality and welfare standards. Who incidentally keeps most of his in aquariums and states that they normally reach 6-8″ indoors. This fish was from his “giants” tank, one of which he said was roughly 10 inches. This one in the video looked a little smaller than aforementioned Big Boy so I figure it’s around 8″ or so, like Zoom. and hey, look at that big googly eye! Almost like eye size can vary naturally in healthy goldfish and isn’t necessarily a sign of stunting without other important factors that are often much more subtle and far less textbook!

The last think I want to bring up, is that this whole “goldfish are ALL large” and by extension “NEED to be large” to be “right” worries me for another reason. I’m concerned there’s a mounting pressure that goldfish should be reaching these enormous sizes that they aren’t meant to, in far too short of a time. Many of the fish that do reach these sizes in captivity, yes even the ones in ponds, reach them due to powerfeeding. Intentional or not, these fish are put on high protein, high filler, sometimes high fat diets, and often fed a lot of it. Outdoor fish also gorge themselves on algae, insects, worms, snails, aquatic plants, sometimes other small fish, anything they can get their greedy little mitts on. Then their owner will dump in a large cup of cheap high protein pond conditioning food and they scarf that down too. 

For aquarium fish, a nervous newbie keeper may see their young fish isn’t growing to the size they believe it’s supposed to and get a bigger tank, start feeding extra bloodworms, more meaty pellets, maybe turn the heater up a degree or two to boost their metabolism. They balance it out with lots of veggies so they think it’s okay, they just want their fish to be healthy and catch up to where it’s “supposed” to be! This leads to rapid and impressive growth, yes, but it comes with dangerous and potentially deadly consequences. 

Some of you may remember Queenie. She was the largest goldfish I’ve ever personally encountered, 10-11 inches and fat fat with it. Her original owner surrendered her to our LFS and @finefeatheredfish​ immediately bought her with the plan that she’d move into my 150 when it was set up. She was healthy at the time, some kind of long bodied fancy mix and drop dead gorgeous, though she needed to drop some weight for sure. Too young to be that massive and visibly overweight. She was unquestionably a powerfed pond fish.

Cw for euthanasia mention, pet death, graphic descriptions, next 3 paragraphs

But about a month into her QT she began getting sick, infection-like symptoms but antibiotics didn’t do anything. We worked on her another month, did our best to save her. We probably should have euthanized her earlier in hindsight but we wanted so bad to get her through and give her a happy home. She was just so amazing you know? I took her for the last week of her life to try some last ditch treatment, she died about 3 days after this photo was taken. 

I did a necropsy on her afterwards. Her vital organs were layered in fat. There was so much of it around her swim bladder that I thought it was another organ at first and got confused. I’m shocked it was still functional. Her liver was unidentifiable mush, suggesting chronic disease, and her gallbladder had simply exploded and spilled bile all over the surrounding tissue. Her body cavity was full of blood and fluid. The cause of death appeared to be the rupture of her gallbladder or liver and the tearing of some important vessel in that area, she bled out internally. 

The chronic liver and gallbladder disease were entirely untreatable for home aquarists. What we thought was infectious dropsy was full on liver failure, she couldn’t balance the fluid and electrolytes in her body anymore which caused the swelling. Likely even if we had taken her to the vet there would have been little they could do. You can’t really remove a fish’s inflamed gallbladder, or transplant in a new liver to replace a failing one. Those conditions are linked to obesity in many species, and I have no doubt that Queen’s diet and obesity were the cause of the chronic conditions that lead to her slow death.

She was powerfed because someone wanted a large, impressive fish, and it killed her. She deserved so much better than that. 

CW over

Powerfeeding and its results are not always that extreme, and I can go into more on the other risks and issues if anyone is interested, but this is long enough already. I wanted to include Queenie as a cautionary tale, and because I’m still so sad she never got to meet the rest of my little school. She was such a sweetheart.

I have a genuine concern with this normalization of 12-14″+ fish as average, that people are going to start pushing their pets to meet that. Most goldfish are not genetically capable of that growth. I’d go so far as to say most goldfish should not reach that size, at least not in any appreciably quick period of time. 

Feed your fish well. Keep their water clean. Give them room to swim. They will grow on their own time, to their own size. 

And lastly. I’m open to talking about this stuff, really. I love to learn new things and hear new sides. Just please, be friendly and mature and let’s have a real conversation? We can disagree politely. It doesn’t have to be black and white, mortal enemies, I know fishblr’s environment these days isn’t very conducive to that, and that’s part of why I’d left a few weeks ago. But I’m trying to give it another chance cause this community used to be really welcoming and wonderful. I’d really love for us to be able to step away from all this polarizing distrust and be open and considerate again.

My responses may be spotty because of the terrible week I mentioned at the beginning of this post but I’ll try and check back.