#SERIOUSLY THOUGH YOU GUYS ARE INSANE . THANK YOU /POS

[sprunkimortality]

When you already reach past 100 followers but you're not done with writing the 50 follower special:

[enbypotat53]

OKAY so I just spent an hour collecting screenshots, time for the analysis!

(AS ALWAYS, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR INANIMATE INSANITY EPISODE 18 UNDER CUT!!!)

So I'll be tackling this like the episode 17 analysis, breaking it up into parts (except probably many, MANY more parts), but I'll start with Inanimate Island! (This won't be chronological, mostly just a by-area thing!)

And by god, do we start off strong. AN ANTHONY KOS SONG RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE?? HOLY SHIT.

Mephone thinking back on everything, his regrets about how he treated the contestants, his fears.. just. Wow. STRONG opening. (Also his little infodump to Mepad whilst they're still asleep/booting up, me too bud. Me too.)

Gotta admit I got choked up as soon as we started, both from built-up emotions whilst waiting, and just.. how powerful this was?? He cares SO damn much about the contestants, and Cobs destroyed EVERYTHING. This was his life, his escape (and we'll get to that later). Jesus, dude.

SPEAKING OF.

FUCK THIS GUY.

Holy SHIT did Joshua Waters do a phenominal job voicing him. I don't know if I've said it before but the II crew did SO good when they recast Cobs. Genuinely I don't think I could've asked for anyone better - you KNOW a VA is great when they can make you feel PHYSICAL RAGE just by saying their lines, y'know? When I first saw the trailer I had to actually take a break because I felt sick to my stomach just HEARING how this fuckass corn cob speaks to Mephone. His frequent infantalisation (both of Mephone, the contestants, the creatorbots, AND the viewers), and his manipulation, just.. eugh. He's probably the most well-written villain I've seen in a WHILE. AND HE'S SO PATHETIC?? He's a disgusting manchild who abuses his creations because it's the only semblance of power he'll get, and IT'S GREAT. I HATE HIM (/POS).

And ngl the self aware "it's good, just don't watch S1" gag made me choke on my lucozade, so thanks AE.

AND HOLY SHIT?? MEPHONE ACTUALLY FINDS HIS VOICE AND REBELS?? I'M SO PROUD OF HIM 😭💙

Again, more of Cobs being an asshole, but bless the Shimmers - they were so damn naïve, I'm glad they were warned and managed to get away, they just wanted their child back, man :(

NOW ONTO THE SCENE THAT MADE ME AUDIBLY SCREAM AND PUNCH MY BEDROOM WALL.

THEY KILLED MY BOY. MY BABY BOY.

Fun fact: I sent this message to a friend 2 hours before the episode dropped

Yeah I'm not okay.

Not gonna lie, I had a feeling it might've gone this way but I was PRAYING it didn't. Fuck, man.. Mepad is one of my absolute favourites for a multitude of reasons - he loves the contestants with all his heart, he'd do ANYTHING to protect them, and even though we could see how angry he was at Mephone in episode 17, he still gave his life to save him (and by extension, everyone else). He's a goddamn hero, but I wish he didn't have to die (and yes, I will be drawing fanart to cope). Glad he had a moment to be a badass though, Mepad is the living equivalent of "when the calm one gets mad, you know shit's about to hit the fan" and I love him for that 💙

ALSO LOOK HOW DISTRAUGHT TACO LOOKS?? MY BABY GIRL NO 😭😭😭

You could tell how much she cared about Mepad, and their friendship was SO important to me. I'll touch on this later but end song hurt my soul, ngl

AND WE OF COURSE HAVE COBS' DEATH.

So 10 image per post limit on the app fucked me over yet again, but I wanted to also briefly talk about Toilet so no popcorn image :(

I honestly think this death was so damn fitting for Cobs. It simultaneously feels dramatic, yet so utterly pathetic. It doesn't take itself too seriously, yet it's so built up and suspenseful - this is the moment we've ALL been waiting for. Seeing this bastard get his comeuppance. And to see his demise be a consequence of his vanity? He believed himself to be above everyone - he placed himself on a golden pedestal, thinking himself to be untouchable; he never would've believed he'd fall for such a simple illusion from "feeble minds", yet he did. He's a washed up old hack, through and through. All that grandeur? Just a façade. And honestly? The popcorn scene was so damn funny. Suitcase just casually offering Mephone a part of his father's cooked corpse had me cackling like a madman, it makes Cobs seem even more pathetic than he already was; reduced to a soft, delicate, utterly flavourless food that (if we're thinking about real-life movie theatres and how much popcorn people leave on the floor) is commonly stepped all over by everyone around. He remains in death how he always was in life.

(As always this'll be part one of the analysis, so strap in, folks! This'll be a long one!)

[yoursafehavensblog]

When one of my Boss said to me:

Seriously talking about your situation, your pain, that’s really insane. Always remember that you’re a diamond not a rock that you can throw away somewhere because it has no value. I hope everything’s gonna be fine with the both of you. I hope he realizes how important and worthy you are as his partner. He’s lucky and blessed enough to find a woman that can sacrifice her all even though she’s badly hurt and lost. You’re a gem, Tine. I hope he knows that.

What’s his issues with you? Money? Fuck money. Yes, money could give you problems in terms of relationship but if money is more important than your relationship, then he doesn’t know its value. You know what I’m saying? Because you can earn that anytime you want! But pure love? For me ha, that’s rare. Especially nowadays! You guys could earn money and work together as a team if both of you cooperated. But if you’re just the only one driving your boat? You’ll get tired of it.

As I can see, you did your very best just to return his money back. But he does not appreciate it. His mind is conquered by money and that’s the problem. If love wasn’t there, the boat will sink. I just want to pray that you guys find each other way back in your arms again, just don’t ever forget to love yourself and balanced your relationship with him.

You are worthy. Always remember that.

- Thank you po Sir Mike on this advise. Sobrang tatay ka po sa akin. One of the best boss ever!

[kkusuka]

Have I told you I hate weak y/n’s that get pushed around by fangirls? No? Well, I hate them 😊

Let’s have Oikawa, Atsumu, Akaashi, Semi, and Terushima react to their normally calm gf, beat the dog shit out of a fangirl that tried to intimidate her for dating said men above. Reader just has a soft smile before cocking her fist back and boxing her shit before holding up the fangirl and looking to the rest like “You wanna end up like her? No? Then know your place~ ☺️”. Then she faces her bf with a sweet smile and says something affectionate like “I brought you lunch, dear. I made it just how you like it 😄” before kissing his cheek like she didn’t go Muhammad Ali on a bitch

<3

Oikawa Tooru<3

Oikawa’s had more than a few less than pleasant experiences with women

Considering he’s always been surrounded by them, from his sister's friends in middle school and being swarmed by them in High school and college- having women around him was nothing new

And for the most part, they were all pleasant

Giving him little gifts and food- that he always gave to you- and just telling him how much they loved watching him play

All things he can deal with before talking to his favorite girl, you

Though, there have been instances of some bold woman who just never get the hint

Whether it be drunkenness or some weird dream of having Oikawa to herself or just blatant disregard of his relationship

And right now just happens to be one of those times- but now you got a firsthand view of the madness.

Whoever this was clearly didn't understand relationships or personal space for that matter

She had a hand on his chest and was just blubbering about how she would be the best wife for him and would make life so much easier- much more than you do for him- and that was just what you saw from the ten seconds you were in earshot

He would normally laugh it offend continue seeking out autographs but he seemed to be locked in an iron maiden

“I promise! Forget about your girlfriend, she’s useless anyways!” and finally a perfect chance to make yourself known

“Tooru, I have your lun-” you attempted to grab him away, him shooting a pleading look to save him before your wrist was snatched from his arm and tugged away and shoved to the side then pushing your body away from the two

“Back off bitch!”

Now,  you were normally a pretty calm person, you knew how to deal with the women and you have been for years.

But you stand by the fact that it was never ok to put your hands on someone- no matter the situation.

But at that moment, you could care less about your silly reparations and breathing methods, that lady put a hand on you and pushed you

You could hear Tooru telling her to keep her hands off you but you just looked around and made sure that everyone saw what had happened, you don't need to be arrested anytime soon

Grabber her arm you detached her from your boyfriends and in the next second your fist was connecting with her face, watching her wither on the floor you turn to your boyfriend who’s now coming towards you

“As I was saying, I have your lunch.”

Atsumu Miya<3

Another guy who’s constantly surrounded by women

Although he is far less appreciative and nice to them, and he makes it a point to be abundantly clear that you are the only woman he will spend the rest of his life with

Something that wasn't too popular with a few specific fans

Every blue moon someone will find his phone number and blow it up with loving messages or try and get his address

The worst it’s been was someone finding his apartment number and thankfully being too far away to come by themselves but they did send some inappropriate images to his PO box and that led him to create an even thinker line between fans and himself

Thankful, the whole of them understood and respected his boundaries

Buuuuut there are always people who go the extra step

Like whoever this is crowding your boyfriend after a win against the Alders with a giant poster of him and a …. Thong

If you were the slightest more stoic you would have held in the laugh that started it all but it seems crazy is crazy no matter how you provoke them

That lady heard you laugh and the flood gates opened, in a split second her hand was on your cheek then she was on the floor holding what you could hope was a broken jaw

You didn't even realize you punched her until a shooting pain went up your wrist

Though before you had a chance to return to your lovely boyfriend, who was standing in the same spot shell shocked (and slightly turned on)  hand grabbed your ankle the flung you to the ground

It was, for lack of a better term, a catfight

She was hitting you and you were hitting her and she was screaming random shit about how awful you were to her precious Atsumu- seriously this lady was insane

Nevertheless, security arrived, and let’s just say that you were in much better condition than she was, who knew you could fight so well?

Though you weren't allowed to come to the next game and had to apologize to the heads of the Volleyball association, Tsumu was proud of you and the internet was on your side- so it was kind of a win-win

Akaashi Keiji<3

He surprisingly doesn't have a swarm of fangirls around him

But it’s much much worse, you’d rather have a mob of girls around him than the four specific psychos that never leave the poor guy alone

Everywhere in school at least one of them is watching the two of you, in class, at lunch- no matter where you try and eat- you swear you even saw one at the boba show you pass on your walk home with him

The worst part?

He thinks it’s funny.

It is hilarious to him that you try so hard to keep them away full knowing he would never leave you for the likes of them. It’s just too cute how you puff up your cheeks and huff about them and honestly, it's a breath of fresh air considering how much everyone kisses up to him

Well- he likes it when they are at a distance

On the off chance they get close to him, it's a different story. They truly are intolerable, and they away try bad-mouthing you to him like it was supposed to mean something that they don't like you

And they only ever do it when you’re away- cowards they truly are. And since they’re always watching, as soon as you left to buy the two of you lunch, one of them was on him in an instant

She was annoying and all she could say was ho you were a ‘poison’ in his life and he had to leave you as soon as possible

He didn't even realize you were there until a hand grabbed the back of her uniform and flung her off him. And from the looks of it, falling on the ground really hurt

“I’m a poison? That’s all you could come up with?”

You didn't even have to say another word, she was already out of sight

Not missing a beat, you handed him his lunch and started talking about the latest episode of the volleyball anime you loved.

Semi Eita<3

First off- a total power couple

Not only are you willing to beat a bitch, but he’s also ready to hype you up while you do it

It’s not confirmed you have, but there are rumors that you fought more than a few girls who were less than pleasant. And it’s not like you do anything for rumor control, you just laugh and turn the other way

Still, even with the rumor mill running rampant, some girls still try and shoot their shot

But this girl has to be the boldest woman on planet earth

Not only was she flirting with an openly taken man, but she was flirting with him as he held his arm around your waist. She even looked at you as she spoke to him, the audacity of people these days

“You like music? That’s crazy, I do too!” you wanted her to shut the fuck up as soon as possible.

What pissed you off more was that he knew exactly what he was doing, and he was letting it happen to spite you.

What happened after this you blame solely on the alcohol the party was providing and not on the fact you wanted to clock this girl the moment you saw her

It was just that suddenly your drink was in her face

Then her drink was in her face, and she was running to the bathroom, maybe she should listen to rumors more often because you don't think strawberry daiquiri will come out of a white crop too so easily

Terushima Yuji<3

He’s an ass

But he’s your ass, somehow

He’s a manwhore and an attention-whore, mix that should have been shot before it could grow into something more

By now you're used to the girls slipping him their numbers and hitting him up on every social media site possible and you remain happy to say he doesn't respond- probably too busy dicking you down to care about any of them

Plus, less than 1%  of them actually approach them in public, and they just happen to be the most insufferable people on the planet.

Desperation doesn't even describe it

Of that 1%, at least half of them try to touch him, running a hand on his arm, tugging at his clothes, maybe even a strand of his hair, all you can deal with because he knows what’ll happen if he even entertains their advances

But for some reason, the only thing that sets you off is when they mention the tongue piercing.

It invokes a rage unknown within you, the second the metal ball’s mentioned you see red. And he fucking loves it, you could be three prefectures over and the second the girl mentions it, you magically appear at his side like you’d been there the whole time

All of a sudden you’re all over him, disregarding this girls words as she tries to bring the conversation back to her, going as far as grabbing your shoulder, and since she touched you first- you had the green light

Your arm pulled back and your fist connected to her cheek

And like nothing ever happened you turned back to the blond

tags: @diamond-3 @rinsangel @heyheyitsne @angelalje @monisi @crystal-lilac @sadpotato10

[bonesandthebees]

I don't think enough people give you credit for how amazing you are with your writing. You've not only continued to hone your craft in your early 20s, but you've also shared your work for millions to be inspired by and enjoy. Your style and general writing itself is incredible and it's easily better than other works of fanfiction and original works.

I mean this so sincerely but you seem to be the perfect writer. I hope you're so incredibly successful for the rest of your life because you're honestly inspiring.

wow didn't realize this was the evening of 'make bee almost cry' (/pos) but here we are

seriously though this. this means so much. I'm smiling so hard at my computer rn this means the world to me to hear. I just love writing so much, it's all I've ever wanted to do and it makes me so incredibly happy to know other people enjoy my stuff just as much as I love writing it. I've worked so hard to hone my craft and I still work to improve it all the time, and I sound like a broken record but it seriously means so much when you guys just notice it or acknowledge the work I've put into my craft.

also, "Your style and general writing itself is incredible and it's easily better than other works of fanfiction and original works." god I hope so. I really really hope that other people that that especially when I start looking into contacting literary agents or publishers once I get the og version of stars started. thank you so much for the wishes of success, I never let myself consider writing seriously as a career for most of my life despite knowing it's all I wanted to do since I was a kid, just because I thought it was unrealistic. but you guys being so insanely supportive of my work is what's given me hope that it might not actually be impossible, so we'll see how things turn out :) even if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't trade my experience in this fandom for the world. you all have been so incredibly supportive and kind to me, so thank you so much for this and anyone else who has sent messages like it. it seriously means more than you guys will ever know.

[cr-s01]

Hyde for the ask game?

HYDE HYDE HYDE HYDE oh ive got so damn much to talk about here. forgive the insanity

overall opinion of them -

seriously though he's a shockingly well-written character if you take uh. like 90% of his character development is like foreshadowing from 2012 devblog posts but i PROMISE it's fucking amazing. i am the under night oracle and i declare that anything we get further for hyde's story will be godtier. i promise

gender/sexuality headcanons - presented without comment

favourite moment in canon - that whole bit where he shows linne around town in her chronicle mode is genuinely fucking adorable. (it's also just a little bit heartwrenching if you read into the line about his parents almost always being at work overseas + "If you don't keep up, I'm gonna lift you on my shoulders. You know? Like how siblings do." like DUDE. okay maybe i'm just overly attached to this guy whats it to you)

favourite moment in a fanwork - good question actually. dunno it's not my usual cup of tea but a friend of mine writes hyde/seth fics and the way they write him is honestly amazing. i cant remember anything interesting off the top of my head though

favourite line - this is technically multiple lines but the fact that he just. They just hit us with the fact that hyde, canonically, is not at all above making horrible puns (see JP ver of this script) is absolutely amazing. thank you fpan

characters i love seeing them interact with - CARMINE. we've got edgelord and edgelord lite and honestly i'd love to see them interact more besides the fish nicknames. also they'd totally be friends i think if given the chance. i promise. also honestly his interactions with merkava are fucking hilarious and somehow kinda cute. shoutout to that one devblog Q&A pos-[LOUD METALLIC IMPACT NOISE]

headcanons about the last thing they do before they sleep - probably just does his usual housekeeping, dishes, laundry maybe, you get the jist. that and honestly i'd believe he goes in and checks on linne (and probably vatista) every night before he sleeps like a parent would. ...world's first transmasc single mom

sleeping habit headcanons - unlike londrekia i believe hyde just conks the FUCK out. he's mentioned to be a sorta sleepy guy (on that note it's explicitly mentioned in his sprite ref that his eyes are always supposed to be kinda lidded but in a sort of "sleepy" or "tired-looking" way specifically. someone remind me to translate his ref like i did for lond's. actually did i upload the translation for lond's? i cant remember. anyways) honestly probably a VERY heavy sleeper. he probably tosses and turns a lot though. also. [clears throat]. in my heart he sleeps with some sort of stuffed animal. he feels like the kind of guy to do that. will not be taking any further questions at this time

headcanons about the first thing they do after waking up - again probably checks on linne and vatista (and waldstein by proxy), i honestly feel like he'd worry a lot about the well-being of his housemates/weird siblings. other than that, cooking breakfast for the house (and himself), again the typical cleaning up after linne/wald/vatista's ancient wake of chaos. if it's a day off school and if he feels up to it he'd probably get a bit of training in? though it seems like he prefers to do it at night? dunno

headcanons about their favourite place - crêpe shop. crêpe shop. crêpe shop. i'd like to believe it's because he has some sort of fond memory about it, whether it be him going there with his parents (or actual siblings if he has any??? afaik he's an only child) when he was younger or if he just took linne there because it was close and ended up growing fond of the place because of the whole day he met linne and stuff. besides that i feel like he'd probably just like to loiter around the streets at night. not for any particular reason, just because he finds it nice and tranquil, even on the hollow night. also i honestly feel like he'd love star-gazing or just. that sort of thing in general. hyde kido space nerd real. but either way i feel like when he gets the chance and isn't busy looking after his absurdly old siblings he'd love to just take that time and go out somewhere at night where there's not as much light pollution and just. relax. that is simply my belief

[razberryyum]

Positive Things about Guardian as a series (spoilers)

So I’ve been pretty harsh about the production team behind Guardian (writers, directors, set designers, wardrobe, the crew…including the extras…basically anyone who are not Bai Yu, Zhu Yilong, the actors who played Old Chu, Little Guo and Zhu Hong, who are Jiang Ming Yang, Xin Peng and  Gao Yu Er, respectively) and about the quality of the show as a whole when it doesn’t involve our main characters/leads, and I’ve actually been feeling bad about that now that the initial sense of shock has worn off a little. As a result, I woke up this morning and decided to make a list of all things that are GOOD about the show. Now, I am still hurting about how it ended and the things that went wrong which imho could have easily NOT (f.e. the 10,000 years dirt nap), but…BUT I will try my best NOT to let that negativity seep into this. 

So here goes, in no particular order, the positive things about the show:

- the show even exists. I mean, really, God bless, especially considering where it’s made. How did that even happen?? Despite all my bitching, I still marvel (almost DAILY so far) at the fact that Guardian exists and I got to watch it cuz China could’ve easily never put it back online. 

- the existence of Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan. But that’s pretty much a given. Especially since my life is forever changed because of them.

- every Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan scene together. That’s a given also. I would not be surprised if the writers literally used all their meager talent and energy on constructing those moments so that’s why they didn’t have much juice left for everything else. I mean, that’s a good thing, right? Kinda.

- they got Bai Yu and Zhu Yilong to play Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei. I really hope the two actors got compensated well for their performances, though somehow I doubt it, especially since, from what I understand ZYL (omg I just stupidly realized the acronym for his name is the same as Zhao Yunlan’s. Wtf that is so cute!) was still very slowly rising in the ranks. But hopefully their current popularity as a result of the show has made up for it.

- the score and songs. Bought the OST from iTunes like one or two episodes in, loved the score and themes. I even bought Bai Yu and Zhu Yilong’s duet “Time of Flight” a few times (different platforms, different devices) cuz I just wanted to contribute to them…even though…who knows if they even see a cent from it, and pretty sure my few measly dollars probably isn’t helping anything. Probably just makes me seem stupid and insane. 

- the cute episode titles. Which I wasn’t even aware of until @avenuex123 pointed it out. Adorable.

- the censorship. Ok, censorship is never good imo, but in this singular case, perhaps because there were existing restrictions on the BL subject matter, the actors therefore were willing to sign on since they knew they didn’t have to do anything explicit (or maybe they would’ve been willing, this is just my own stupid assumption because of how Chinese society is…I say that as an Asian American with many…erm…”old-fashioned” friends and family members) AND they probably saw it as challenge to find creative ways to convey the nature of the characters while working within the confines of censorship laws. Although, this might be a case of me just trying to look on the bright side.

- the easter eggs. I agree with fellow Guardian fans who have pointed out that there was some love put into the making of this show, which is clearly exemplified in the small momentos scattered throughout the series. 

- the time travel concept. Not that the delve into the past was done well because I did have problems with it, but I did really appreciate the fact that Zhao Yunlan was the one and only all along due to his being sucked up into the wormhole and spit back out 10,000 years in the past to meet Shen Wei for the first time. I thought it was a tremendously romantic idea…even if the general execution of the past left a lot to be desired. I promised that I wouldn’t be negative, but I still have to say that while love at first sight is a lovely notion, it was still a bit hard to swallow that SW would fall SOOOO head over heels with ZYL after just conversing with him for like a few hours, to the point that he would pine for him for 10,000 years (though it’s probably technically more like a few decades due to his dirt nap, but I’ll buy it felt like 10K years to him). I just wish ZYL spent more time in the past with SW, and actually @xparrot‘s fic (”Now Lie In It" on AO3) made me feel a LOT better about the whole thing since they successfully fixed the problem by awesomely separating each scene we saw into days and years. But I did like the time travel idea; it was cool, even though it’s different from the novel.

- the nature of the necklace. I really liked the candy wrapper core. Broke my heart into bits and pieces in a GOOD way. Really loved everything about it. I understand it’s different in the novel as well, but in the context of the changes done for the show, I thought that was a pretty brilliant move. 

-  the Da Qing and ZYL ownership scene in episode 35 with SW listening. Loved that scene and the multiple purposes it was serving: establishing Da Qing’s relationship with ZYL, giving voice to how SW was feeling about ZYL leaving,   inspiring SW with the necklace idea, and then of course, the censorship workaround because it was like very homo while being nohomo at the same time. 

- SW and ZYL’s wardrobe. Probably a given since the fact that I love them means I love everything about them, but, like, SW even looked good as the Black Cloak Envoy and ZYL as Kunlun and those outfits (and their hairstyles) could’ve gone wrong so easily…thank God no one thought it was a good idea to make them wear a stupid looking afro wig or feathers on their heads.

- Old Chu/Little Guo. They were adorable, my second OTP from the show, and I was seriously jealous of all the PDA they were getting away with.

- recurring characters. Even though some of their acting abilities were highly questionable, I did appreciate how certain characters introduced in the beginning of the show would pop up again later on. I’m sure a good part of that was to save on hiring more people, but I still thought it was neat. For example, I wasn’t too fond of the merit brush dude (cuz his story was dumb and draggy), but I did like how this innocuous store owner that was little more than a background character at the start eventually became one of the villains. 

-  Ye Zun. He’s so CUTE. I mean, ok, Zhu Yilong playing him helped, but just seriously, his character is so fucked up and misguided and emo and adorable that I just wanted to give him a big hug all the time. When that shitty cockatoo he calls “Boss”** started smacking him around, I wanted to reach into the screen and throttle that ugly POS. I wouldn’t even be surprised if that asshole more than physically abused Ye Zun. Anyway, I just felt bad for the little puppy. I wish we got to spend more time with him and that he got redeemed earlier so that he could enjoy some love and hugs before being led into the wormhole (or…wherever it was that his big bro was heading off with him…wait, would it be the wormhole? But they died, right? So technically it should be like the reincarnation hole?) **(btw, why “Boss”? Why not “Leader”? Are the head villains paying their henchmen to follow them? So weird that they call their leaders “boss” which would imply they’re being paid wages which I truly doubt is the case)

- Da Qing. He’s a cutie too. Really wish the kitty girl had lived so that he wouldn’t be all alone, now that ZYL is gone. I guess Tech boy Lin Jing is going to take care of him now?  

- Zhu Hong. When she wasn’t inexplicably screaming her dialogue, I did like her…but a huge part of that is probably because I remember the actress from Yanxi Palace (she was playing a small villainous role but she did a good job) and I felt sorry for her. Putting the unrequited love aside, it must also be tough seeing ZYL now and yet knowing that’s not even the same guy she loves at all. Damn, that actually must be so unsettling for everyone who knew the old ZYL. 

-  the personality swap episode (ep 25). THAT was freaking adorable. Just wish it lasted longer and that eventually it affected SW and ZYL. Although, since they already eye-fuck each other like 99% of the time, what would be different? I guess SW would be a little looser…and ZYL would be a bit more sad and pining-er? (Btw, I literally never heard of the word “microexpressions” until Zhu Yilong entered my life). Omg, an image of them switching outfits just popped into my head. Oh shit, that would’ve been FUN to see. Dammit.

That’s all I could come up with for now…I’ll probably add more as I think of more things. Please feel free to contribute if you think of positive things I’ve left out. I might not agree but I’d still love to hear them.

[braindamageforbeginners]

Bane Capital

Cycle 6, Day 9

So, this whole writing project - in addition to trying to bridge that gap between medicine, patients, and healthy people (which is ambitious, I know), is also to provide everyone out there with good, useable information, which means I do have to scrap the planned presentation from time time because of a “teachable” moment. As most of you know, Tuesday is usually my day to get injected with strychnine in the bizarre life experiment to see who dies first: Me or brain cancer. And there will be more than a few days where you have write out a pro/con list to figure out if survival is a good thing.  And if someone in your family is going through chemo, treat their (probably bad) decision to get out of bed and join polite society the same way you would a roommate getting in from the Walk of Shame. Namely, just kind of quietly let them collect themselves (again, I describe them as a chemo hangover because that’s pretty much what they are). Dad’s usually pretty good about this, but this morning, we had the following exchange: DAD: I thought I heard someone creeping down the stairs. SELF: It’s not creeping, I’m just moving at the speed of a 90 year old man. DAD: You say those kinds but we both know -  SELF: Yeah, right now my biggest, most burning life goal is just to make it 90, I’d rather put off the frailty and associated problems for a few more years. I then skulked off to the sofa to compose myself and double-check which species I am. I was doing this when I heard the sound of the coffee pot clinking against a mug, and one of my favorite beverages being poured, and the effect was electric. I now know a cat feels when they hear the tin opener. Which brings up an important cancer survival tip, you’ll need some sort of “happy” or “hangover-relieving” ritual to get up and out of bed (i know hat’s a little cheerful for me, my fingers burned just typing it). And you’ll be tired a lot, so don’t be afraid to abuse caffeine.

We also had a family discussion on potential wildlife issues Stepmom and Dad might face while hiking to visit my brother on Rattlesnake Ridge. Again, that’s only slightly exaggerating it, he’s stationed near an area nick-named the Rattlesnake Mountains (the word “near” is important; wild animals are not known for obeying zoning ordinances), so the following conversation took place (yes, it did): DAD (reading from field medicine guide): If bitten by a rattlesnake, do not try to suck out venom or apply tourniquet. Instead, if there are two hikers, the bitten person should stay in place, and the other person should seek help. Increased heart rate increases the exposure to venom, so stay calm and breathe slowly. SELF: They say that, but if you’re bitten by a painful, venomous creature in the middle of nowhere in harsh terrain, remaining calm is gonna be challenging. STEP-MOM: isn’t there some sort of deterrent, like those deer whistles you put on your car? SELF: I don’t think so; snakes don’t have ears, they can sense vibrations along the ground, though. Just stomp and make some noise, and they’re nocturnal, so don’t go out at night. And  watch your feet. DAD: I think they used to make bite-proof boots using thick leather and steel inserts. Which wouldn’t be comfortable, and the fangs might go in at an odd angle and get stuck. STEP-MOM: I think that’s worse than if they just bit you. SELF: We’ve all had that embarrassing moment when we’ve walked out of a public restroom with some toilet paper stuck to our shoe; imagine that, but with a large, angry venomous creature.

And, since Marizomib’s going on to phase 3 trials in several different brain cancer/spinal cord treatments/cancers, I also thought I’d write about it in a little greater detail. In all the ways that I care about (IQ, memory, personality, “chemo brain”), it has far, far fewer side-effects/detriments than Temodar (I’m still a little mentally “fuzzy” the next day, but that might just be fatigue). And it is three infusions/treatments a month (so far)(you spend 5 days of every four weeks on Temodar, too, which sucks, but I’ve written elsewhere about that), but this has horrific, old school, physical side effects. I’ve written about the hallucinations and/or disturbingly vivid dreams, but there’s also severe nausea (I haven’t puked because I double-fist Zofran those days, but, even with that, you’re aware that something’s not right in your tummy) and pain. The good news is, if you take a large aspirin/Tylenol dose immediately after the infusion, and, like zofran, just take a standard/lower dose every four hours, you’ll do okay. The bad news is, if you’d rather sleep through the night, those chemical crutches won’t be in your system to help you crawl out of bed. Good news though, I did manage to get to the gym with enough energy (thank you, coffee) to seriously injure myself (or it felt that way, anyway) at the gym. It’s oddly cathartic to mangle oneself on the treadmill when you’re in a lot of other pain - both psychologial and physical - that you didn’t sign up for (that’s what I was trying to describe the other day).

Since the drug’s going on to stage III testing, that makes my odds of survival somewhat better (the life-span-limiting factor in GBM cases seems to be how long chemo remains effective, and, prior to this, there’ve only been a handful of them). However, I would think that if some patient got superpowers or something from it, it would have been noted, and quickly. So, my dream of becoming Captain America is dead, at the moment. However, the last year has proven that I am nothing if not adaptable, so I went looking for another role model (I realize I’ve posted versions of this elsewhere, but I’ve done a little research, and there are current events to be discussed).

No superpowers? Check.

Still beefy despite that? Check

Pharmaceutically dependent? Check.

Not fond of the light (that’s just me in a chemo hangover)? Check.

Bent on the destruction of the current political/economic apparatus? Check.

Which brings me to today’s essay topic, “Why Bane is Actually the Hero of the Third Nolan Batman Movie.” Stick with me closely. This was sort-of inspired by another crazed lunatic pointing out that being a billionaire in a time of insane, disproportionate wealth distribution in which poverty literally kills people (that’s not hyperbole, I’ve very, very cunningly gamed the system to get access to treatment, but, again, people get thrown out on the street, and if the state poor-person-insurance program dries up, gets privatized, or defunded, I will die) is indefensibly immoral. I realize I’m a special case, so let’s talk food. one-in-six Americans faces “food uncertainty,”  which is the inability to consistently provide enough food for all members of the family.  Before we get even more political, to bring that home, here’s a fun experiment you can do: take out a standard die out, and roll it. If it lands on a six, someone in the family goes without dinner and breakfast. Not to say that people who work hard and successful don’t deserve the benefits of that, but by the time you accumulate billions, that’s not “successful,” that’s “money hoarding.”

In the Nolan Batman films, they go to great lengths to establish a similar wealth concentration as the very cause of Batman. His parents are killed in a mugging gone wrong. I realize it doesn’t make a good movie if Bruce Wayne gets a PhD in economics and successfully pushes/lobbies for reforms that eliminate the need for people to turn to crime, and, instead, decides to become a billionaire so he can beat criminals to death (I know the big Batman thing is that he doesn’t kill at all, which is why leaves them tied up to lamp-posts)(Wait, that’s Spider-Man, concussions are actually quite dangerous).

You could make an argument that Batman is a good guy in the first film, because Ra’s al Ghul wants to kill everyone in Gotham, which is much worse than letting a lot of them slowly starve to death. You could make the exact same argument about Harvey Dent and the Joker, who function as apolitical agents of complete chaos and destruction. Stopping them is as necessary - and moral - as stopping a hurricane (BTW, Puerto Rico’s power grid is still offline, more than a year after the fact).

All this time, Batman prefers stopping criminals one-on-one instead of judicial reform or a basic universal income. And, as the Joker points out, the entire appeal of destroying Gotham is as a personal challenge. At this point Batman/the security apparatus of Gotham is no longer a part of the problem, he is the problem because he’s attracting homicidal maniacs. And whatever happened to that big pile of money the Joker just lit on fire? That could fund a children’s hospital (just another subtle display from C. Nolan that wealth concentration is dangerous)(BTW, unlike the comics or other portrayals, we never actually see Bruce Wayne’s renowned charity) . But I digress.

The point is, this sort of continues (both the economic degradation of Gotham and the odd petty criminal being beaten to death, I’d assume) into the third film, by which point conditions have become so unstable that Peter Kropotkin - er Bane - is easily able to colonize the sewer system, and bribe assorted CEO’s, politicians into giving him (Bane) access to all kinds of things. Side-note here, Bane is enlightened as to what real wealth is: the ability to affect and/or remake the world as you see fit. That’s in direct contrast with the usual idea of capital, defined by Hernando de Soto as “anything with the ability to generate more capital” (in that same book, de Soto describes how that modern economic and monetary policy do a great deal of harm by sticking to that policy that “only US dollars or things readily converted to them” are wealth, which keep a great deal of poor people - globally - from being able to invest/participate in the economy. 

Yet, with an unconventional view of money and power, Bane proceeds to dismantle Gotham’s elite and the police/security apparatus protecting them. He’s actually almost ethical about it, in that he doesn’t seem to directly target anyone not connected with Bruce Wayne or his (Bane’s) odd vendetta against the man (again, at this point in the metaphor, Batman is the traditional security apparatus that keeps the status quo within Gotham, supplemented by the police). Bane traps the police - the alternate defenders of the status quo - in a cave (but with enough food and/or water or something to survive). This isn’t as bad as it sounds (that’s an opinion, but, screw it, this is an essay on why Batman is secretly a bad guy), as American police aren’t really necessary for law and order. I’ve lived in several other countries where there wasn’t any visible police presence, and I had absolutely no problem or crime, apart from possibly being overcharged for cabs (which I figure might be danger pay, since they also drive on the wrong side of the road at 850 mph). In Miami, FL, I was burgled, and the cops were actually worse than useless, because I had to fill out a crime report, and I didn’t get anything back, at any point. Same goes when someone later broke into my car. The car was still there and working, so I figured I wouldn’t bother with the cops that time, In fact, a third of all murders go unsolved, nationally, and, according to an NPR news report in 2013; national police policies had shifted from “solving crimes” to “crime prevention.”  Care to guess how that works? It usually involves hyper policing of minorities and/or non-violent crime. There have been excellent, effective attempts to reform police and policing in places like Las Vegas and Richmond CA (both of those focused on extensively training officers to act more as community mediators (see Peel’s Principles) than as armed guards - the point is, people are self-organizing, and self-policing for the most part, despite what Darryl Gates might have you think. So far, Bane’s bankrupted Bruce Wayne, backstabbed (literally) the corrupt executives who hired him, and removed an ineffective - potentially dangerous if you’re an ethnic minority - element from the city. If he was in elected office, that would all be considered a win. He also frees the inmates of not-Arkham Asylum. Assuming this prison has similar statistics to federal institutions, 50% will be drug convictions, usually possession or intent to sell (I’m not going to argue that such people are harmless, but, having met a mid-level cocaine distributor - my family is very weird and varied and has many bad relationship decisions - it’s actually more of a lucrative white-collar industry than “Breaking Bad.” However, because it’s fiction and this is all an alternate literary/film analysis let’s assume that it’s thousands of Batman villains unleashed. There’s probably some rioting and chaos, but wide-shots suggest no worse than post-Katrina New Orleans. It’s telling that, in order to make the public frightened of this, Nolan evokes the Reign of Terror, presumably because otherwise there’s very little morally questionable acts here (yes, Bane has killed a few people by this point, but, if the word “hematoma” means anything to you, so has Batman). It’s nice to see that mega-white-person paranoia - “if the minorities/poor people gain equality, they might treat you like you treated them.” on film (I may be reading way too much into this, it is, after all, a series of films in which an untreated, mental patient with a bat fetish beats up petty criminals). The criminal court does a really weird and inefficient sentencing/murder gimmick involving drowning judges, attorneys, and detectives who put them in prison. Which is morally indefensible, but, since that’s happening at rate of one victim every twenty minutes, I’d imagine most of the intended victims would die of old age long before the Scarecrow gets them.

During all of this, Bruce Wayne/Batman gets bankrupted (but not really), and meets a nice girl whom he immediately accepts with almost no question (i’d really like to be more charitable here, since “white, crippled, and broke” is now not a totally-inaccurate description of me, but he’s still involved in stuff that’s illegal). The end-play of Bane and Bruce’s Nice Girl (who turns out to be Rha’s al Ghul’s daughter) is to steal a nuclear device from Wayne Industries. Pause for a moment. Wayne Enterprises developed a new energy source that doubles as a nuclear weapon. Moving past that interesting and disturbing idea that a completely unregulated free market eventually ends with nuclear devices in the hands of billionaires (actually, that was disturbingly predictive), this is the moment when Batman actually becomes an international war criminal. Bet you never thought Batman might be an intelligence asset for the ISI.

That’s not some sort hyperbolic statement, the UN very carefully and highly regulates all nuclear developement - even for civilian use (to give you an idea, the genetics lab I interned at had some slightly-radioactive pixie dust that they occasionally used in labeling or sequencing strands, and the door that lab had either be closed and locked, or someone had to be in it -Like, I wasn’t supposed to go for a five minute bathroom break without securing that room) - and the private ownership thereof is, shall we say, frowned upon. So, the starting Good Deed for Batman - the one that apparently costs him a lot - is that he didn’t directly authorize , the development and sale of private nuclear arms. Which seems moral, until you realize that not making nukes and selling them for private use (to be fair, any major fireworks display would be much more interesting) is normal. Call me a snob, but I’d like my superheroes to be better than me, especially when the Hague might be watching.

Also, this turns the whole moral situation on its head. This is now a weird revenge story in which the daughter of the villain Batman sort-of murdered is back with her big, best friend. It’s either “Make-a-Wish” from Hell, or that old idea - again - that those in power will be held accountable (or punished) for all the times they refused to rend aid when it was needed. The only morally pure character in this scenario is Bane, whose ultimate motives are just to protect and aid his friends (You could argue that Catwoman’s more moral than Batman in this film, but that’s another essay, and this film fails the Bechdel Test so badly that I’m not sure how I’d tackle that). Bane and Talia al Ghul activate the bomb (okay, that’s a bad guy move, to be sure, again, though, developing and/or possessing weapons of mass destruction IS NOT MORAL, let alone legal), and Batman fakes his death in the resulting fiery explosion. That’s not a display of morality, that’s just manning up, owning your own mistakes, and correcting them. Again, that’s acting with a modicum of maturity, not some supreme moral courage.

The happy ending is when Batman - defender of the sociopolitical status quo - actually leaves Gotham to figure out its own problems, after learning that he has become part of Gotham’s problems, which, again, strike me as economic and political, not crime-and-justice.

[justsoyoudonthaveto]

Would you believe that a) it’s Halloween and I’m writing about a Christmas movie; b) we’re just 2 months away from this entire shitty year and c) this is my 100th blog post?!?!?  I can’t believe it and I’m living that right now! 

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I’ve taken a huge break from doing these this year. And with this year, I’m sure you all understand. For a long time I didn’t want to watch sunny shows where the hero just wants to be happy and explore his need to be a mime in Paris while simultaneously running away from his family’s law practice, where the heroine just needs him to buckle down and be serious. Running away from a well-paying job? Are you freaking insane? And love might be all you need, but it sure is helpful if you don’t have to worry about medical bills. This year has been exhausting, and I just couldn’t. As much as these movies are comfort food, I needed something different, which explains why I watched Great British Baking Show twice, learned how to make a killer lemon drizzle and amazing bread, and stress-read Twitter about the state of the country. All of which means that this weekend, which saw me take time off to self-care and watch BBC’s North and South for the first time and immediately plan for a re-watch, has me back to Christmas Movies, with this gem of a movie that should have everything. So let’s get going for One Royal Holiday.

I will start by saying I love Laura Osnes. I voted for her when she was on the Grease reality show, and saw her in Bandstand 3 times. I am less of a fan of Aaron Tveit, more so because of the horrendous man perm he had to sport during Les Miserables. However, it’s not nearly as bad as the man bun I just saw on the latest concert version of my favorite musical, so I guess I should move on from the perms. Except how the hell did those perms mean an Academy Award for best hair and makeup? WTF? Anyway.

Aaron plays His Royal Highness Prince James of Galwick. Is that near Lichtenstein, or Cornwall, like that one where the heroine was from New Jersey? His mom is played by the amazing Victoria Clark and she better sing, damn it. And in the very first scene, where Queen Gabriella and Prince James are in some kind of hospital benefit thanking them for the care they gave their late husband and father, Queen Gabriella is wearing a tiara. I’m sure we’ve learned something from the countless viewings of Downton Abbey (as well as anything the Queen does) and one does not wear a tiara to a benefit during the freaking day. British accents are on point though. Good for them.

Laura Osnes is a nurse named Anna, who is heading home for Christmas, and her home is some tiny New England town where her dad owns an inn. Looks like her mom is dead. Present wrapping montage, and we’re not even 10 minutes in. And Anna is off home where there’s a wicked nor’easter heading her way (she’s in Boston).

James has to make a Christmas Eve speech, which apparently the entire monarchy of Galwick is depending on. But not before he and his mom stop at Donny’s Donuts for tea. Anna’s there for coffee and is freaking out over a “Christmas Cruller” which is basically an eclair. But horrors, the storm has grounded the royal plane, and the hotel in Boston is full up, and James and Anna have had a meet cute over the eclair, and we’ve found out that Galwick is in Northern Europe. Anna is offering her dad’s inn, and now her own car when the royal car driver says he’s not going to drive to Connecticut. Queen Gabriella is already in love with Anna, and her free eclairs, and they are all carpooling to Connecticut on roads that are remarkably traffic free. Oh, and BTW, James has not told her he’s a prince, and she’s just said her town has a Christmas Eve Pajama Ball and Oh My GOD I think I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of Christmas Movie Cliches and I love every minute. BTW, James is a huge pill.

Royal retainer has just let the cat out of the bag to Anna’s dad and now Anna knows that they’re royalty. But because James is such a cool guy, he’s going to carry up their bags up the stairs but because he’s also royal, he doesn’t know that suitcases have handles. Anna’s BFF from high school is now the Sassy Mayor. And James has just asked for the “pillow menu” where the guests get to choose which kind of pillow to sleep on. Sassy Mayor is all about getting the royals on social media for the town, but then she gets an eyeful of Christopher, the royal retainer, and Sassy Mayor is all heart-eye emojis. And here is the first commercial break.

What is this vest and why is it weird?

Sing-a-long at the Inn, and the carolers are dressed like Dickens characters – because carolers are only allowed to dressed like Dickens characters. Gabriella and Anna are bonding over the buffet, while James is on the phone with the Prime Minister of Galwick who is clearly not a monarchist. But Gabriella loves the food at the Inn, and methinks Queenie is going to play matchmaker between Innkeeper Dad and the Cook. James missed dinner and is eating his feelings through a 5 lb container of popcorn, but Anna is nice and brings him a plate of lobster mac and cheese.

As expected, there’s been a huge snowstorm, which is not in evidence with the b-roll of shots of the house. They are snowbound and Anna wants to know what royalty does all day. James says it’s not like a Jane Austen novel where they drink tea and read poetry. No, not at all. Sometimes they have elaborate picnics. And that is a line from this beautiful movie. Another b-roll shot of the Inn, which shows the road completely plowed. But the airport is still closed, so now they can attend the Kentsbury Christmas Parade. James can’t measure up to his dead father with his make-or-break Christmas Eve Speech. FYI, James started dragging the sled of donated toys, and next shot, Anna is dragging it. So much for the chivalry of princes.

FYI – in 2 days, we won’t see any political ads on TV for almost 12 months. Huzzah!

Everyone in the little town seems to think that Anna is dating James because they are walking down the street together. James stepped in a slush puddle and now they both have to take a carriage ride back to the inn. Just go with it. Heart to heart about James’ speech worries. Anna says he should be himself. Oh, how great that advice is.

Husband just asked how great this movie is. I said the words Christmas Eve Pajama Ball. He is seriously thrilled.

The room where the Ball is going to be held had a roof malfunction, and now where are they going to have it? James suggests the Inn, so of course they’re going to do it – and before we can say Hot Chocolate – they are going to decorate the Inn’s family tree! Singing! Tree Trimming! Lights! Husband just is annoyed that all the lights in the big tangle of string lights work, because that is not reality.

DANG IT – they are going to split the ball into Pajama for Kids and Formal Ball for Adults. This is not what I signed up for.

Anna and James meet in the kitchen in their plaid jammies, and Anna name checked Captain Von Trapp, so cool, except for the fact that Christopher Plummer NEVER showed up in a bathrobe. Anna has also introduced James to the magic of a Lazyboy recliner couch. And James is now giving Anna advice about how great a formal ball would be and it’s not a slap in the face of the memory of Anna’s dead mom. Anna is also wearing way too much makeup for late night cocoa rendezvous.

Plot question – why is James a Prince, and not King? Shouldn’t he have been coronated by now?

Anna brought James up to the attic to look for ball decorations, and he seems to have a flair for decorating. They head in to town for more garland, and James borrowed skinny jeans and boots from Christopher, and that’s not weird at all. And Anna has major good ideas for James’ speech, so good for her. Shopping Montage! Decorating Montage! So Many Lights! So Many Trees! Romantic moments by a ladder! Dancing! They are going to Dance to The Christmas Waltz. WHAT IS THIS SONG? Dance Lessons Await! (FYI, I do this with younger son in our kitchen, and it is a delight of my life). Oh, man, dad just messed up that romantic dance.

Dad is Fairy Godfather here and found dresses for Anna to wear that were her mom’s. But first, Gingerbread House Building! James is good at it and he made a castle. And Gabriella just made them a Galwickian Yule Cake (which is an eclair). Christmas Eve is in 3 days, and now there’s black ice on the roads and it’s just too dangerous to go to the airport.

Sassy Friend tells her that she can work it out with Christopher, so Anna can work it out with James, but Anna is being realistic because he’s a prince and she’s a nurse, and if he’s half as eligible as Prince Harry, then she is in the right, and Sassy Mayor is living in La La Land. But whatever, Anna deserves to find Love.

Town Candlelight Sing A Long. Lots of longing looks over the candles, but Anna can’t express her love for James because they have to sing Joy to the World (without the religious 3rd verse). But they are now back in the ballroom for Anna to tell him how she feels, but she is blocked by his phone and the fact that it’s the palace, telling him that he was photographed with Anna in the town square and it’s an international scandal of Christmas Carol proportions. And because Anna is selfless, she says thanks to James and tells him he should care for his people and go be a prince. And because he’s emotionally repressed, he says ok and he heads out.

Sassy Mayor gets to go to Galwick for New Year’s because Christopher is NOT emotionally repressed. Gabriella left a gown for the cook to wear to the ball, and James has arrived home to the literally smallest castle ever. It’s smaller than Disneyland.

SAD TIMES! James and Anna both. 14 minutes left. Anna doesn’t know what to wear, but Dianne the cook looks great in the Queen’s dress. And James has figured out that Anna helped out his dad at the hospital when he was ill. Oh my goodness all the coincidences! Anna’s dress has pockets, y’all. James’ Christmas speech is on the internet, and his military uniform clearly doesn’t fit. And HUZZAH James shows up at the ball and his tuxedo suit does fit. And more about James’ dad, yada yada yada. And they kiss and head into the ballroom where they get to finish their Christmas Waltz. All Laura Osnes’ Cinderella dance experience is clearly paying off here. But we’re not done yet – everyone is in their pajamas at the fireplace for the final scene – and again Cinderella vibes, because James brought her Christmas Royal Bedroom Slippers. But he didn’t bring enough for everyone! The End.

This movie had everything and it was delightful, even if Victoria Clark didn’t sing. Sorry for the blurry pictures – WordPress changed their way of doing things while I was baking and I am still trying to figure it out. Glad to get back into this even if we’re still technically in Halloween territory. Aren’t you glad I watched, just so you don’t have to?

#100 – One Royal Holiday Would you believe that a) it's Halloween and I'm writing about a Christmas movie; b) we're just 2 months away from this entire shitty year and c) this is my 100th blog post?!?!? 

[jassieajoc]

Dim

I can still remember the very first time I had an anxiety attack. It was a morning on the way to school, I was with my kuya and our driver. I was still in 3rd Grade that time and I can still remember the sudden anxious feeling, It was like the whole world was swallowing me alive. I can still remember myself being so confused. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was doing okay and the next time I knew I was being paranoid. I felt shitty that day. That day something grew in me. Something foolish and dark. And I didnt know that that something would be the start of my fucking life.

The first time I hurt myself was when I reached High School. Freshman year. Still so clueless of the world ahead of me. Still so innocent of the things I havent tried yet. So eager to try. So naive to care. I was having so fun but deep inside I was lost. I was scared. I was too ignorant that I forgot to think that there would always be a consequence. You see, thats the downside of having fun. The downside of being so happy. There would always be a fucking consequence. I got so insecure. I got so selfish. I thought my family didnt love me anymore. I thought I was going so bad that I became mad and then I got rebellious. I started cutting myself. I tried drinking alcohol. It was the start of losing myself. Sophomore Year came. I was doing okay. I wasnt as bad as I was. But I was as lost as before. The sad nights were still there. I got called names. Bitch. Slut. I got called names for being too friendly. For trying to distract myself from my evil self. Now im back again on hurting myself. This time, I would stay up all night thinking foolish thoughts. I would cut myself again but this time I cut my legs so that its easy to hide. I did foolish things in school again. But it was the kind of fun that makes you forget you are sad. I was doing okay after that but im still lost as ever.

The first time I had a suicidal thought was when I was still 11 yrs. old. Following the first time I started hurting myself. I had it all planned. I would hang myself and leave my suicide note below me. I already even wrote the fucking note when my mom went inside my room and saw it. And it was the first time I saw my mom, broken. I broke my mom. After it happened, people knew about it. I was more ashamed when they told me I was being stupid. They thought I was just fooling around that time. That I did it to have the things that I want. They told me I was just being spoiled. That Im too young to take things seriously. Too young to feel sad. Thats when I started being careful. Every time I feel lonely and sad, I would keep it all to myself. Scared that people might tell me im stupid again. I dont wanna broke my mom again. I dont wanna be a burden just because im thinking I really am a burden.

It was Junior Year when I got called names again. This time it was more hurtful. Sometimes they would tell it to my face. Sometimes just by the look from their faces I would already know —“what a bitch”. Maybe I was really a bitch. Maybe they were right. Maybe they’re not ones who were insecure, maybe I was. I started blaming myself. “Stop fooling yourself” “You’re not good enough” “You dont have the right to feel bad. You’re the one who’s doing it to yourself”. Then that was the time i realized, I have the shittiest self-esteem ever. Ive tried a lot of things this year. Lots of firsts. Crazy, fun, dangerous, and shitty things. I also started making myself look good. Feel good. But in the midst of all that, Im still losing myself. I was lost than before. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted them to notice me. What the hell am I doing? “This wasn’t me”, I tell to myself. No matter how hard I try to be better, self-hate always wins. I was still hurting myself during these moments but this time it was quite different ‘cause a friend knows and im glad that despite all this negative things, someone cares. Up until this very moment Im still thankful for that friend. You know who you are, and God knows how grateful I am to have a friend like you. I couldn’t remember some serious (negative) things during Senior Year. It was a smooth sail. But not the smoothest ‘cause i still had fights with my ex boyfriend. I got so worried about my grades. I was stressed doing schoolworks. But to add it all up it was a great year. So great that I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had overcome that feeling. But little did I know, it was just hiding at the back of my mind.  

The first time I tried killing myself was when I reached College. Funny how the older I get, the more serious it became. See when I said I thought I was doing okay? Wrong. Little bitch was just resting. Waiting to attack me. It was gone for a year but the moment it came back, it was stronger. It was all over me. Now that Ive been carrying this bitch for almost 6 years now I think its time for me to give it a name. Lets call it, Dim. Why Dim? Well you see, the word dim means having a limited or insufficient amount of light, seen indistinctly, perceived by the senses or mind indistinctly or weakly. And dim is the perfect word to describe what im feeling all these years. The feeling of darkness. Dim wasn’t really that strong at first. He was quiet. He was as if trying to be friends with me. It was my first year of college so I was busy doing homeworks. Trying to figure out how college life works. First sem done and I thought I became friends with Dim already. Until he betrayed me. My boyfriend that time and I broke up. My whole world was shuttered. I was so down and Dim was the only one who was always there with me, so I let him take over my life. That was the time when I started avoiding people. I refused to go out, I stopped going to my classes. I was so scared. 2nd sem was a blur. A complete blur. Summer came and it was… okay. I guess. It was the start of fucking up my life. Walwal dito, walwal doon. Landi doon, landi dito. I was sooo lost that I forgot to have some respect for myself. All I can say is, that was the wildest summer that I had. I bet ya’ll waiting for the part where I tried to kill myself. Then here you go. January 2017, I had the worst anxiety attack ever. It was so bad I thought I was going insane. I called the suicide hotline but guess what they told me? THEY TOLD ME TO GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. Great. There I was crying hysterically on my bed. Alone. There I was wanting to end my fucking life and ya’ll gonna tell me to go to the nearest hospital? Crazy. So yeah, I had the pills on my hand when I thought “Am I really gonna end my life just because Im scared? Just because I didnt know what was happening to me?” Then I called 911. They asked me whats the problem and I only told them one word, “suicide”. They asked me who and that was the moment I broke down, I told them, “ako po”. I can hear them panicking and then there was silence on the other line. Then an another woman talked to me. I told her everything I felt that day and she told me nice things to make me feel better. We had a good talk and I was crying the whole time. She somehow convinced me that suicide is not always the answer. I owe her my life. Fast forward to March 2017, I got sick. I got bacterial infection —not STD,  from someone whom I loved so much. For the second time, my mom cried in front of me. For the second time, I saw my mom broken. I broke my mom, again. I became lost more than ever. I was so ashamed of myself. I was so angry. Why do I always fuck up? Ganyan na ba talaga ako ka bobo?

The second time I tried killing myself was 2 months later, I started falling for this guy. Who lied to me. I was a mistress the whole time, and I didnt know. My mom eventually knew about it because the wife was a pyscho —Sorry not sorry. I disappointed my parents. AGAIN. Only in a span of 2 months I was a disappointment, again. You see, Dim was winning this time. He was already bigger than me. He was all over my room. He was all over the building. He was all over me. That was when I took the pills. I can only remember myself falling asleep and the next thing I know I was at the hospital. After 7 years of dealing with that bitch Dim, I was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. After 7 years of trying to hide the pain, my parents finally knew about it. After 7 years, my friends finally realized that I wasn’t fooling around. I wasn’t being overdramatic. There were pros and cons to this situation. Pros, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly understanding. I felt free. It felt like nothing is holding me back anymore. It felt like I finally won over Dim. I felt stronger than Dim. Cons, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly protective and hella paranoid, thinking I might blew up in any moment. Even though I felt free and stronger than Dim, I can still feel his presence. I still feel weak. Ive been seeing my doctor every 2 weeks now. Im taking meds. People are helping me. Months have passed and I thought I was really okay now. I thought I had it under control until 3 months later, I can feel him all over me again. It seems like the pills are not working anymore. I started keeping secrets from my doctor. I started telling lies to my family and friends just so they wont worry about me anymore. Im even back on hurting myself. I cut my wrists and legs. I tried overdosing myself again. Twice this time.   It gets worse everyday. Its seems like Dim knows my weak spots now, he knows where and when to hurt me. I keep blaming myself even on the smallest things. Sometimes I think, what if Im going insane? What if Im never going to be okay? I dont even know anymore.

I didnt write any of these so that you’ll pity me. I didnt write any of these to make ‘papansin’. I didnt write any of these so that you’ll know my story. I wrote this so that all of you people who are reading this can understand. I want you guys to understand that depression is never a joke. Depression isn’t easy, it never was. I want you to understand that even the smallest things can hurt a person a thousand more. I want you to understand that depression isn’t just a bad day. It is a never ending battle between you and your mind. Depression isn’t just being tired because you had a shitty day. It is a different feeling piling up until one day you cant deal with it anymore, you’ll blow up. Depression isn’t just being lazy. It is the thoughts and the paranoia that makes you feel so tired you can’t get out off your bed. It is the heavy feeling that sinks you deeper, makes you not wanting to wake up, hoping you can sleep the sadness away. If you know someone dealing with depression, help them. Support them. Sometimes, presence helps. Just being there for them helps. Even a simple hug can make them feel a little better. Listen. Dont say anything. Just listen to them and hug them.

This is for the ones who fought and never survived, Im sorry. Im really, really sorry. Wherever your souls are right now, I hope you now have the happiness you pretend to have. The happiness you truly deserve. For the ones who are still struggling from their demons, I am here. We are here. Its okay to cry, its okay to lose your shit but sweetie, just remember to never ever let your Dim beat you. You are stronger than him.

A small act can change a person’s life. Right this moment, somewhere, someone needs your help. Ask. Because sometimes, you can either save a person’s life or be a minute late.

And right now, you’re too late.