#SEE? CANDY LIKE PLOT BUNNIES I BROUGHT IT BACK AROUND

[prosebushpatch]

Okay, I think the problem is after i read a good fairy tale book, it’s like I just popped a candy in my mouth and there’s a sugar buzz of plot bunnies hopping around my thoughts.

[leopoldainter]

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[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Ye Zun, or, Feral to Domesticated-ish In Five Easy Steps: A Guide by The SID Team

(Listen just deal with this new pattern of posts, these “guides” are my headcanons and I’ve got more plot bunnies than Lan Wangji has bunnies, I need to try them out somewhere)

1.) When you’ve got a traumatized Dixingren obsessed with eating everything, snacks are a must. It’s like having a baby at a fancy reception, you gotta keep him relaxed and satisfied, everyone in the SID has a Ye Zun snack section in their desks. Conflict briefly threatened this plan when there was unfortunate overlap between the supplies for Ye Zun’s candy and Zhao Yunlan’s lollipops. It was eventually resolved, albeit with some bitterness. As Zhu Hong dryly observed in her Incident Report, there is no real winner in a fight between two grown men screaming at each other about red lollipop shortages while being physically held apart by an anxious college professor.

2.) Ye Zun is not allowed to get drunk. It’s the opposite problem from Shen Wei’s little swooning issue—Ye Zun seems to be amplified more with every sip, gaining energy and bidding a gleeful farewell to whatever inhibitions he had. Lin Jing secretly loves the mornings after parties where Ye Zun needs his help to construct: 1.) whether he did something dumb or dangerous (usually while mostly sober), 2.) whether he was flirty towards someone (literally everyone around except Shen Wei, because he’s Gege, and Zhao Yunlan, because he’s the worst), 3.) whether he stole food (yes, because it probably should be his anyway??? and Da Qing supports him on this), 4.) whether he confessed to a crime (rarely one of the crimes he has actually committed), or 5.) all of the above (it’s always all of the above).

3.) warning—do not attempt to reason with Ye Zun when he’s in a mood. Ye Zun’s paranoia and insecurity have manifested in his new life as hyper vigilance toward anyone outside the Circle of Trust (mainly Shen Wei and himself, includes Zhao Yunlan and the SID on special occasions). Dangers, according to Ye Zun’s solemn explanation while drunk (see: above), include but are not limited to the following: Zhao Xinci and all he stands for, every human ever, anyone who reminds him of Before (aggressive, angry, cruel), the people who try to chat with him in coffee shops (he bluntly informs them he is no one’s fluffy AU fic), scary sirens, students who come to Gege’s office hours (seeking out “lab report guidance” yeah right, it’s clearly a trap and Gege is too naive to see it), and canaries (why are they singing? what are they planning?). Maybe just kind of monitor him in the moment and we will deal with it after the mood eases, says Zhao Yunlan, who is on step 4 of his 13 point plan to Get Both My Love And The Brat Some Fucking Therapy, Which I Do Not Need Myself.

4.) Take the olive branches where you can get them. Zhao Yunlan found himself agreeing (????) with Ye Zun that Shen Wei needs, like, some kind of LoJack device, following a mission gone horribly wrong where some vengeful Dixingren teleported a battle-drained Shen Wei somewhere deep in the mountains and left him in a frozen ravine. It took the SID two days to find him, half-conscious but stubbornly stumbling in the general direction of home. After a drowsy but recovering Shen Wei was bundled in blankets and Dr. Cheng gave him something to aid sleep, Ye Zun and Zhao Yunlan stayed up to watch over him. This meant essentially that Shen Wei slept peacefully in bed while Zhao Yunlan and Ye Zun spent several hours curled up on either side of him texting back and forth furiously over 1.) whose fault the whole mess was, 2.) who the hell is gonna make dinner now because Gege/Xiao Wei is resting (Da Qing brought it up), 3.) the ethics of straight up murdering the teleporter for risking Shen Wei’s life, and 4.) maybe finding a way to put a special tracker on Shen Wei, he would literally never notice. They agree on items 3 and 4, which is more agreement than ever before. It marks a shift. Ye Zun cautiously pencils Zhao Yunlan into the Circle of Trust.

5.) It’s the little moments, the balanced, ordinary actions that help, here. Not interrupting Ye Zun or talking over him, but not letting him dominate conversation (unless Zhao Yunlan is being particularly chatty for hours on end, at which point Lin Jing texts Da Qing unleash hell and Da Qing prods Shen Wei’s brother and lover into a screaming match about something until they both lose their voices). It’s about not asking why Ye Zun sometimes needs all the space he can get and why he sometimes ends up half on Shen Wei’s lap while his brother reads scientific paper drafts aloud to him (he does not give a fuck about the content, it’s all about Gege’s calm voice and rhythmic head scritches). It’s letting Ye Zun choose where they eat, asking for input on strategy offhandedly so he doesn’t start feeling pushed into a role. It’s letting him be Ye Zun, once he decides he’s keeping that name and figuring out what that means.

Stay tuned for: Ye Zun’s Guide to Being A Feral Bitch Posing As Domesticated-ish Because It Is Nice To Have Treats And To Have Opportunities To Piss Off Zhao Yunlan, Plus It Makes Gege Happy When I Don’t Eat People

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

The Little Things in Life - 2

Warnings: cheating, non-consent sex (series); nothing for this chapter

This is dark!Steve and explicit. 18+ only.

Series Summary: Your suburban life begins to show cracks and your next door neighbour, Steve Rogers, seems intent on shattering what’s left.

Note: Chapter 2! So I’m in between too many things. I always appreciate your guys’ patience and reading. You know how it be; I’m a mess. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Based on this drabble

On Wednesday, you spent the morning working in your office with one eye on Kayla. You’d be relieved in the fall when she could go to school and you could focus a little better. Well, you’d see which you felt when the time came.

You had lunch in the backyard at her plastic picnic set and played on the slide. You checked the time as you went inside and a knock sounded at the door. Kayla followed you as you answered it. Steve greeted you with a cool smile.

“Sharon just went off to see her mother,” He said. “So I figured, we can sneak out now and grab the flowers.”

“Uh, yeah,” You waved him in as you turned to Kayla. “You wanna go for a car ride?”

“I want ice cream,” She clapped her hands. 

“You want ice cream?” You asked as you knelt to fix the strap on her shoes which had twisted. “Well, if you’re good in the car, we’’ll take you by the shop. How about that?”

“I hate looking at flowers,” She crossed her arms. “They bite.”

“Only if you touch the cactuses,” You chided as you stood and grabbed your car keys from the hook and the old leather purse that sat on the low bench. “You don’t mind if I drive? Her seat’s a bit of a hassle to move around.”

“Nope,” Steve kept his foot in the door as the sunlight slatted down his tall figure. “We should have a couple of hours to beat Sharon. I really think it’ll be a nice surprise for the weekend.”

“This weekend?” You wondered. “I don’t know. We’d till have to plant everything.”

“I could toss in another bottle of wine for your trouble.” He offered.

You shook your head. He’d sent you home with what was left of the Pinot on Monday and it still sat in your fridge. Beckoning to you as you laid next to an empty space. Or worse, an indifferent Logan. His work consumed him and he often spent hours poring over it or even rushed out to appease his demanding boss. Well, you had your Saturdays and those were always nice.

“It’s fine. I’m not much of a drinker.” You said. “The helmet.”

“The helmet?” He tilted his head. 

“Selfie,” You pointed your keys at him as you took Kayla’s hand. “For the extra effort.”

He shrugged as he opened the door.

“Fine,” He said. “So, you and Logan coming to the party?”

“I know I am,” You locked the door behind you. “We’ll see if Logan can keep off his phone for more than twenty minutes.” 

You led Kayla to the car and Steve stood just behind you as you helped her in and strapped her into the seat. You closed the door and turned back.

“Yeah, he’s definitely been a bit… absent,” Steve commented as he went around to the passenger side. “You know, the last time he came over to watch the game, I changed it to the Orioles and he didn’t even notice.”

“It’s work,” You climbed into the car as he mirrored you. “I can’t say I don’t do the same. I’m cutting crusts off sandwiches and plotting my next lesson.”

“Multitasking,” Steve mused as he closed the door. “But I’m sure the sandwiches are still great.”

You turned the engine and looked at Kayla in the mirror. She kicked her feet impatiently in her seat as she hummed.

“There’s a little leapfrog toy in the glove compartment,” You said to Steve as you backed up. “You wanna get it for her… she’ll start singing soon if you don’t.”

🏠

Kayla chose some daisies for your front garden as you showed Steve the pansies. They were small and simple. You mixed in some freesias and some heather, too. Steve picked out a new set of garden tools to give to Sharon as well and a pair of cute floral gloves. 

You paused as you checked out and glanced over at your neighbour. You couldn’t recall the last time Logan had done more than grabbed a pizza on his way home. And he always forgot that you couldn’t stomach pepperoni. Oh well, you supposed it was the gesture that counted.

You carefully loaded the tray of plastic pots into your trunk as Kayla demanded her scoop. She had behaved quite well. Steve picked her up as you crossed the street and headed for the parlor at the opposite corner. You neared a cafe only a few doors away and Steve pointed to the painted moniker on the glass. 

“You know I heard that place is good. The coffee is from--” You stopped short and Steve turned to face you. “What’s up?”

You backed up and glanced at the license plate of the black Volkswagen. The same scratch on the bumper, the same numbers. You blinked and pulled out your phone. No messages. You looked to Steve.

“That’s Logan’s car but why…” Your voice trailed off and you neared the cafe window. 

You peered in and searched the tables. Your husband’s dark hair was visible just towards the corner of the shop. You recognised the woman beside him. Karina, his boss. Her ginger curls were drawn back into a large bun and she turned to giggle at Logan. You could see his hand on her thigh as she stole a bite from his muffin. Your heart stopped.

“Come on, let’s just…” You blinked at Steve and his eyes were aimed through the window as Kayla tugged at his tee and whined for ice cream. “Let’s go. I could go for some mint chip.”

Steve hesitated before he turned back, careful to keep Kayla away from the cafe as you passed it. 

“Mint chip? Boring.” He taunted after a moment. “What about you Kayla? You like cotton candy ice cream?”

“No, I want strawberry!” She chimed.

“Strawberry?” He reached for the door with his free hand and pulled it open. “Bleh! I’d rather a plain and very boring vanilla.”

“I like strawberry!” Kayla argued.

“How about black cherry?” Steve followed you inside. “You old lady.”

“I’m not old. I’m only four.” Kayla huffed. “You’re old!”

“I am,” He chuckled as he neared the counter. 

There was only one customer ahead of you as you perused the flavours. You barely read the signs for each bucket as your head was a blur of indiscernible voices and lights. You could only see Logan and his hand in Karina’s lap. Was this why he was so obsessed with work? ‘Work?’

“Mint chip?” Steve nudged you out of your trance as the aproned server looked at you over the glass. “One or two scoops?”

“Um, actually I’ll get a scoop of the butterscotch. In a cup, please.” You found it hard to speak. 

You approached the til and Steve insisted on paying. You sat against the wall and poked at your ice cream as Kayla made a mess with her cone. You did your best to keep her tidy with a napkin but she dripped enough down her shirt to drown the unicorn on its front. You reprimanded her as she refused to finish the last of the dry cone and you cleaned up the table with Steve’s help.

You crossed the street so that you didn’t pass the cafe again. You peeked over and Logan’s car was still there. You got Kayla into her seat and searched around for her tablet. You took out the headphones with bunny ears you had gotten her for her birthday.

“You wanna listen to some Wiggles?” You asked.

“Yeah,” She pulled them on and you unlocked the small tablet and put on the music player. 

You handed her it and she brought up the frog game she liked to play. You ruffled her hair before you backed out and dropped into the driver’s seat. You glanced at Kayla before you pulled out. Steve was silent beside you.

“You didn’t seem very surprised... you knew?” You asked quietly. His lack of answer was telling. “Did you do this on purpose? Did you know they would be there?”

“No, I… I didn’t know they’d be there,” He said.

“But you knew… about her?” You gripped the wheel tightly.

“He told me about someone else but… he said it was a one time thing. A slip up.” Steve admitted.

“One time,” You scoffed angrily. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry.” He said softly.

“For what? You’re not my husband,” You steamed. “Unless, you’ve been helping him sneak around but I highly doubt you have the time for that when you have a newborn at home. Oh but if she’s older, it’s fine. You can get away with it, you can--”

You took a breath and hissed. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t--” You growled and hit the steering wheel. “It’s not your fault. I just… I’m so embarrassed. And you knew. You knew!”

“I thought of telling you, I just didn’t know how,” Steve said. “And if I had known they were going to be there, I wouldn’t-- Well, I’d still be a coward.”

“It’s really not your problem. Not your marriage.” You leaned closer to the windshield as you focused on the road. “Can we… can we plant the flowers tomorrow? I gotta get Kayla cleaned up and I have dishes in the sink…”

“Sure, sure,” He said. “That’s fine. I get it.”

“Does Sharon know?” You croaked.

“No.”

“Please, don’t tell her.” You gulped and glanced in the rear view as Kayla tapped the tablet. “I couldn’t-- I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Are you going to… confront him?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know,” You muttered. “I don’t know if I can. I…” You looked over at him as you stopped for the sign. “Really, don’t worry about it. Please.”

🏠

You barely said a word to Logan that night. You couldn’t find any and besides you hadn’t much of a chance as your husband was just as late as ever. And when he’d finally come to bed, you waited for him to snore before you crept out.

You snatched his phone and retreated to the hallway. You sat just outside your bedroom door as you scrolled through the messages; the pictures. How had you not suspected a thing? How had you trusted him so completely?

You told yourself that time had worn on the marriage. Your sex life was strained but it would even out again. And the communication, that just needed a good talk and you would find time for that one day. But… you were wrong. It was a shell.

Your eyes teared up as you thought of Steve. He and Sharon were so perfect. They had it all. Everything you pretended to have. And he still cared for her. He wanted to make her a garden of her own. Wanted to do something for her as she spent her days taking care of their child. All you ever got was heartburn.

You took Kayla to daycare the next morning so that you didn’t have to be there to see Logan off. You drove back slowly and found yourself on that same street. You parked and strode down to the cafe. Inside, it smelled of beans and cinnamon. You ordered a latte to go and half-dozen cookies.

Your car was filled with the scent of caramel and you pulled up to your house with dread knotted in your stomach. Could you get past this? For Kayla? You opened the car door and turned to hang your legs out. You held the box of cookies on your lap and inhaled the aroma that floated from the sweet latte. You couldn’t go inside. You couldn’t face the empty house.

“Hey,” Steve frightened you as he jogged up your drive. He wore his track shorts and a tee. He glistened from his morning run. “You okay?”

You nodded and forced yourself to stand. You elbowed the door shut and set your latte on the roof of your car as you locked it.

“Cookie?” You offered the box.

“No, no, it’s a bit… early.”

“Sharon home?” You asked. “Awake?”

“She is.” He said. “I was just on my way to relieve her. My shift starts soon.”

“Oh,” You took the latte and he eyed the logo on the cup.

“Where’s Kayla?”

“Daycare,” You answered. “I thought it would be better but… it’s just lonely.”

“Come over,” He said. “Come see Sharon and the baby.”

“No, I couldn’t--”

“She’d appreciate the company,” He urged. “The adult company. I think the baby talk is driving her crazy.”

You looked across the street and then back to your house. 

“Alright.” You relented. “Thanks.”

“And if we end up hitting the felt…” He kidded.

“Sure,” You rolled your eyes and followed him down the drive.

🏠

Sharon looked immaculate. She had a four month old baby in her arms and glowed like the Madonna. She greeted you with a warm smile as Steve pecked her cheek and then Sarah’s head. You slipped out of your shoes and followed her into the living room. As you sat on the sofa and set down your coffee and cookies, she handed you the baby and offered you breakfast.

You lied to her and told her you had already eaten. You looked down at the child; blond, blue-eyed, beautiful. Steve neared you as Sharon retreated to the kitchen and the sound of the blender came muffled from the doorway. You glanced up at Steve.

“You want her?” You offered.

“She likes you,” He sat next to you and waved away the offer. “She can’t stop looking at you.”

You looked down and the blue eyes shone up at you. You smiled and rocked Sarah as you leaned back against the cushion.

“I guess it’s a bit of a moot question now, but you ever thought of having another?” Steve asked.

“You always think about it.” You said. “But often think better of it.”

You looked over at him as the noise of the blender died. His eyes were much like those gazing up at you. Bright, intent. You felt almost shy as he watched you. You tore your attention from him and brought Sarah closer to your chest as she reached up with her small fingers. You cooed at her and touched her cheek.

“Here,” Sharon handed Steve a green smoothie and sat with her own. “You didn’t bring Kayla?”

“She’s at the daycare.” You explained. “She missed her friends.”

“She’s such a sweetheart,” Sharon said and her eyes drifted down to Sarah. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen ours so calm.”

“You will. I found it came in phases. Sometimes it’s non-stop, sometimes their angelic.” You mused. 

Your stomach clenched as you thought of Kayla when she was that small; as you wondered how it had become all so twisted. Was it the kid? Was it you? You blinked away the dampness in your eyes and turned to hand Steve the baby. He took her and you reached for your latte. The caffeine wouldn’t help your nerves but the momentary warmth would soothe you.

🏠

On Friday, Sharon had a hair appointment so Steve came over to interrupt your paperwork. You brought Kayla with you as he set Sarah up in her plastic seat on the lawn. 

He helped carry the flowers over from your garage and you set to the task of weeding and digging out spots for the new buds. You had a short time to get it done before Sharon returned.

Kayla liked Sarah. She showed her the flowers and the new doll she’d gotten from your mother. You knelt beside Steve as he took your direction and you found yourself reaching over each other, distracted only as you kept the children entertained between unpotting the plants.

There was a tension lingering. Words unsaid. You caught Steve’s glances and the pity in his tone. You dusted off your jeans and stood as you stepped back to admire your work. He watched you then and you felt like snarling at him. You could see his sympathy and it sickened you.

“Amazing,” He rose and came to stand beside you. “She’ll love it.”

“I’m sure she will,” You said. 

You bent and started to stack the empty plastic planters. You piled them all into the tray and gathered up your little set of tools. 

“Me and Kayla should go, it’s close to nap time and--”

“I’m not tired,” Kayla said. You looked at her sharply.

“Please, why don’t you come in and… have some lemonade before you go?” Steve said. “Just a little while.”

“I don’t know. Sharon will be--”

“Sharon always gets her nails done when she gets her highlights,” Steve assured you. “Besides, she’s not dumb enough to think I did all this by myself.”

“I like lemonade,” Kayla said and tugged on your belt loop. “Only pink.”

“Pink…” He bit his lip. “You know, I think I might have some.”

“Fine, I’ll go put this stuff away,” You said.

“I’ll get the kids inside.” He lifted Sarah from her chair and offered his hand to Kayla. “I think it’s good for Sarah to socialize.”

You nodded and quickly retreated across the street. You shoved everything in the shed and stopped as you went to replace the latch. Had it all been pity? Had Steve discovered Logan’s secret and decided to start bugging you out his own guilt? It felt entirely mocking. Worse, humiliating.

He shouldn’t be worrying about you. You snapped the locked close through the loop and spun the dial. He had a wife and kid. He needed to worry about them. Not you and your denial of your splintering marriage. You crossed the street and kicked the dirt off your boots before you entered. You unlaced them and found Kayla in the living room.

She sat in front of the TV as Sarah was sprawled out in a playpen. You checked on your daughter then followed the subtle noises of activity to the kitchen. You entered as Steve tore the top off a frozen lemonade mix. It was pink like he promised. 

“I could add some vodka to yours,” He offered as he squeezed it out into a pitcher. 

“Look, Steve,” You neared the other side of the island. “You don’t have to atone for what Logan is doing.”

“What?” His eye lashes flicked up as he looked at you. “You don’t think-- You know, we’re friends, right? You and me? This has nothing to do with Logan.”

“Oh no?” You challenged. “I’m not that great at pool and I hate baseball.”

“Is that all I am? A felt table and ESPN?” He asked.

“No, but, come on,” You sighed. “I don’t want to be your pity project.”

“You’re not,” He said as he added water to the pitcher. “That would be Bucky.”

You couldn’t help the snort. He returned to the island and began to whisk the mixture.

“And to be honest, it’s been a tough couple months. Pent up in here with a crying baby. I’m sure you know how it is. Talking to people who can actually answer me with more than a spit bubble is like a breath of fresh air.” 

He smirked and went to grab glasses from the cupboard. He poured each and pushed one across to you as he took the other two.

“And you already said you’d come to the party so don’t even think of backing out now,” He passed you as he went to the door. “Sharon’s looking forward to it.”

[sodalitefully]

Santa Slash is coming to town...

This fic is the Christmas-themed spiritual successor to my Easter Bunny AU.  Special thanks to @slashscowboyboots for supporting all my holiday nonsense! 

Four snapshots from Slash’s Christmas prep marathon through the years:

🎄🎄🎄🎄

Jingle bells.  

Fucking jingle bells.

There were FIFTEEN of them on the stupid-fucking-candy-colored costume he had to wear at this godforsaken excuse for a seasonal job.  “Earn some extra cash,” they said.  “It’s easy, you barely have to do anything,” they said.  "You'll be perfect, you already look the part!" they said.  

"They are about to find a size-ten jingle-toed bootie up their ass,” Axl said – to himself, as he rushed into the storage room turned "dressing room" and buttoned up his itchy red and green vest with one hand while sipping an Orange Julius from the food court with the other.  

“Hey, Axl! You’re barely late today, awesome!”

And then there was this weirdo.

Axl could not for the life of him explain why a shopping mall in Indiana elected to hire a skinny dude in his 20s with a dark complexion and a nose ring to portray Saint Nick himself, but whatever the reason, Axl was stuck working with this fruitcake until Christmas Day.  Sure Slash was nice enough (oh yeah, and his name was Slash, or at least that's how he introduced himself without offering any explanation or even a last name), but he was way too enthusiastic about getting paid minimum wage to let strange kids sit in his lap at a grimy old shopping mall.

Uh, not in a weird way, Slash was good with the kids, really.  But sometimes... it seemed like he was taking his role a little too seriously.  

"How come you don't have a beard?" the first customer of Axl's shift, a little girl in a Tweety bird sweater and blonde pigtails, asked suspiciously.

"That's a good question,” Slash said, scratching at his bare chin. The neck of his Motörhead Beyond the Threshold of Pain Tour T-shirt was visible over the faux fur collar of the Santa costume, and his shiny black boots clearly came from a military surplus store. “I get asked that a lot but the truth is, it just isn't a flattering look, trust me.  I tried it once, and the elves could barely look at me in the eye." To Axl’s incredulity, the girl actually accepted that answer.  "Now tell me, what would you like for Christmas this year, sweetheart?"

As usual, Axl tuned out at this point.  Fake a smile for the overprotective parents, take the painfully awkward commemorative photograph, try not to look like he would rather die than hear Slash try to gently explain that Santa will probably not be delivering a pony this year one more damn time, rinse and repeat – until about an hour later, when the unthinkable happened.

The less said about about the incident, the better.  Suffice to say, one of the darling angels tossed his Christmas cookies, and some of the resulting mess wound up soaking into the front of Axl’s elf costume.  As if he needed another reason to hate his job; this was just adding insult on top of injury (that is, the injury to Axl’s pride as a result of being forced to wear the most ridiculous-looking costume he’s ever had the misfortune of laying eyes on). 

“That’s it. I quit.”  He grabbed the elf cap off his head and slammed it on the ground, then stormed through the exit gate past the sign wishing customers a "Holly Jolly Holiday Season," the bells on his costume ringing merrily as he stomped his feet.

“Hey, wait!”

“No,” Axl growled, but he did turn around to look back at Slash, still sitting in the plastic candy-cane throne unbothered by the mess or the sniffling child now mostly placated by a peppermint candy.  "What."  

Slash offered him a bright, beguiling smile.

"What do you want for Christmas, Axl?" 

-----

Nothing said "holiday cheer" like wandering the tinsel-adorned labyrinth that was a Walmart superstore a week before Christmas, with Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" echoing through the tinny PA system and surrounded by other last-minute vultures hopelessly scavenging the picked-over aisles.  

In Izzy's defense, he actually finished all his shopping early this year, for once.  But then his two little brothers begged him to drive them around town to find the perfect gift for a girl at school that they apparently both had a crush on, and like a fool he agreed. 

He was regretting it now.  Anything would be better than subjecting himself to nearly an hour of top-40 Christmas music.  The jingle bells were jingling, the carolers were caroling, the B-list pop stars were spitting out god-awful covers of Christmas classics, and don’t even get him started on the commercials. 

He wasn't about to walk around in public with his fingers shoved in his ears (at least, he wasn't that desperate yet), but he did squeeze his eyes shut and pinch the bridge of his nose, trying to force himself to relax.  Just take deep breaths and think of The Rolling Stones... 

"Hey, uh, you doing okay?"

Izzy opened his eyes reluctantly.  In front of him was a young man wearing a concerned expression and a Santa hat, stuffed onto a massive pile of dark curls.  

"I'm fine.  Just finding out if it's possible to die from overexposure to Christmas music."

"Ahhh."  The man nodded in understanding.  "It's not, unfortunately.  I've tested it, trust me."

"Do you work here or something?" Izzy asked.  A leather jacket and ripped jeans didn't look like an employee uniform, but his hat matched the store decor and he didn't have a cart or shopping basket.  

"No, I'm actually a seasonal distributor.  Just checking in to make sure everything's in place before that last holiday rush, you know? Shit always gets crazy at the last minute."

"Tell me about it," Izzy responded, as if he knew a thing about marketing as a cynical 16-year-old.  But he had first-hand experience with last-minute crises, and as if to prove it, his brothers came running up to him at that moment.

"Jeff!  We can't find anything good, what should we do?"

"What's the problem?" the stranger in a Santa hat asked, looking genuinely concerned.  

"We don't know what present to get for a girl at school," the boys explained.

"Hmm..." He tapped at his chin.  "Why don't you just – oh wait, you're underage.  Well, how about you bake her some cookies or something?  That's what everyone does for me and I have no complaints."

Desperate to remove himself from this musical hell, Izzy jumped on the idea.  "Yeah, you could do sugar cookies!  And decorate them like horses, she likes horses right?” The boys had only mentioned that a dozen times; Izzy was starting to wonder if this girl even had any other personality traits.  

To his relief, a spark lit up in his brothers' eyes.  Cookies were a perfect idea, and suddenly they were dragging him away to look at cookie cutters and sprinkles.

Izzy turned around to shoot the helpful stranger a grateful look, but when he looked back, the man had disappeared with no trace, leaving not even a furry white pompom behind.

-----

Slash glanced out the window and grimaced – it was cold as a witch’s big bouncy tit outside, nothing but snow and ice as far as the eye could see. He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders and took another swig of hot Irish coffee.   Damn the North Pole, there was a reason he took his summer vacations in Malibu.

But despite the miserable work conditions, Slash was nothing if not dedicated to his job.  In front of him was a sack overflowing not with toys but with the most recent letters to Santa, straight from the North Pole's post office.  With Christmas only a few days away, his daunting task was to go through the whole mountain of letters as quickly as possibly in order to take their special requests into consideration before it was time to start loading up the sleigh.  

Well, there was no time like the present to get started.  Slash stretched his back and got comfortable in his coziest armchair (by throwing his legs over one armrest and slouching until his head rested on the other), absentmindedly tapping the end of his peppermint stick on the edge of an ashtray.  He grimaced when he brought the stick back to his lips and realized his mistake. 

With a sigh, he dropped the peppermint stick back in the ashtray already full of cigarette butts and ruined candies, and unfolded the first letter.  In barely legible green marker, the message read: 

Dear Santa Claus,

My name is Steven and I'm 5 years old.  Please give me a skateboard for Christmas.  My brother has one and he won't let me borrow it to learn tricks.

Hmmm.  Five years old was a little young for a skateboard.  Knowing Steven, he'd probably knock his teeth out by New Year's...

...Slash shrugged.  Why not?  All things considered, he would have killed for a skateboard when he was five, so who was he to say no?

-----

Duff was seven years old when his older brothers cornered him in the backyard and gleefully informed him that Santa Claus was a fraud.  It was all a lie made up by parents to convince their children to behave during the year, they explained, and the toys were made on factory lines not by magical elves.  Their mother gave them a hell of a scolding afterwards but it was too late, the deed could not be undone. 

He tried to play it cool, but the truth was, Duff was very distraught as Christmas Eve inched closer.  Could his siblings be right?  He didn't want to believe it, but if he was being honest with himself, he'd suspected as much for some time.  He braced himself to accept the hard truth come Christmas Eve – but only if he was presented with definitive proof.

When the fateful night finally came, Duff and two of his brothers laid out their sleeping bags behind the couch, where they'd be hidden from view if anyone tried to approach the Christmas tree.  They all swore not to fall asleep, not even for a second until Christmas morning... And it wasn't until his brother started snoring that Duff realized he was the only one still awake and silently anticipating the moment of truth.  

It was imperative, of course, that he stayed hidden and didn't make a sound, or else risk giving their plot away.  But... it was past midnight, dinner was hours ago and Duff's empty stomach was starting to distract him from the task at hand.  He couldn't stop thinking about all the food he would get to eat with his family on Christmas Day: the glazed ham, mashed potatoes, apple pie and Christmas cookies... 

In the dim light, Duff could just barely make out the plate of cookies for Santa, waiting in front of the tree.  The cookies were still there untouched, all six of them... Surely no one would notice if Duff ate just one?  

He tiptoed over his sleeping siblings, as silent as the snow falling outside, making his way around the sofa to the plate on the coffee table.  But just as he reached out to pluck a gingerbread man from the assortment, he saw a shadow of movement out of the corner of his eye.  There, beside the Christmas tree in the flickering glow of multicolored string lights, was a mysterious figure in a fur-lined coat and a red cap.

Duff stared at the intruder, slack-jawed.  The cookie clattered back onto the dish, and at the noise the stranger whirled around to face him. 

"Duff!  What are you doing still awake?" he demanded.  Duff took a breath to answer – or more likely to ask how the man knew his name – but before he could, the man peered over the couch, narrowed his eyes and frowned.  "Oh I see what this is. You thought you would catch your parents pretending to be me!" he accused.  "Well, here's the real truth: adults are always wrong and you should never do what they say!" 

The man – could he really be Santa Claus? – he planted his leather-gloved hands on his hips as he scolded Duff.  "And don't even get me started on teenagers..." he griped, casting a stare over Duff's shoulder where his older brother's leg was sticking out from behind the couch, tangled in a blanket.  

Tears started to well up in Duff's eyes.

"Please still give them Christmas presents!  I know they said they don't believe in you, but they've been good, I promise!" he begged.  Santa's expression softened.

"Aw, I know, kid.  I promise they'll still get their presents, alright?  Let me just finish up here and then maybe you can help me out with those cookies, sound good?"

Placated, Duff sniffled and nodded, scrubbing his eyes with his sleeve. He hopped onto the sofa, swinging his feet and watching with awe as Santa pulled beautifully wrapped gifts out of seemingly nowhere and stacked them around the tree, one after another until all eight of the McKagan children were represented. He took a step back to take in his handiwork, made a few minor adjustments, then turned back to Duff: “Voila! That’s the magic of Christmas. Now pass me that plate, would you?”

Santa sat down next to Duff and propped his boots up on the coffee table. When Duff held out the plate of cookies, he selected one decorated to look like Santa Claus, white beard and all, and promptly bit its head off. 

“I love my job, but delivering presents is exhausting,” he sighed, accepting a glass of milk from Duff’s outstretched hand. “I’ve already covered Asia, Africa, Europe, and most of the Americas, so I’d say I’m due for a break.  Cheers, Duff.” He held up his glass and Duff tapped it with his half-eaten cookie. 

“To a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!”

🎄🎄🎄🎄

[red-signal]

ok so he liked the shrimp and also he gave me his phone number in the note so i asked him what his favorite fish/sea creature is because i wanted a challenge and he said he really likes the portuguese man of war but that would be hard to make with paper and he would be happy with even the simplest of jellyfish so i said challenge accepted and made him a normal jellyfish that also had a note saying i was still working on the man of war and then on sunday (closing day) i used the normal jellyfish recipe thing and instead of normal tentacles i glued some ribbons on for the tentacles abd some tissue paper for the top fin thing and he really liked it and HE FUCKIGN GAVE ME A GIFT BAG WITH LIKE . STUFF IN IT but my autistic ass cant accept kindness on that level without getting competitive so like . earlier he had texted me and asked what my favorite animal and candy was and i somehow didnt see it coming so i told him squids adn bunnies and then asked if there was such a thing as a sea bunny and he told me about nudibranches so after the show during the strike since im just a spot-op i wasnt given any tasks so i worked on making a nudibranch for him with some of the paper and tissue paper i had with me cuz i brought way more than i needed for the man of war and when i finished i was going around the stage and asking peopl where he was but only some ppl knew the asl alphabet so i had to find people who understood and they didnt understand i was talking abt a name and it took a whole group of cast members working together to decode me fingerspelling a name but eventually they figured it out and someone went downstairs and found him and i gave it to him ad he liked it and asked if i had opened his yet and i said no and tried to explain that i had gotten competitive and he understands asl the most out of anyone there but with both of our difficulty remembering how to spell words and other factors of our limited communication ability and he thought i was saying i played competitive splatoon ?? so anyway we just decided that we would go back to what we were doing and i would text him and i explained it over text and later when he came out of the downstairs area he said somthing like "gift giving is a competition and i always win" and even when he said he was kidding i was plotting so anyway !! i have a new idea and a new project and ik its like less than a 1% chance he'll end up seeing this post but fuck it im paranoif NO SPOILERS

so anyway . big project im working on now . i will not lose .

i fingerspelled "cool" and pointed at the person and they understood !! that was awesome i love it when ppl understand me !!!

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 1

There Is Strength in Sweetness 

Much like the years, the seasons of D20 start coming and they don’t stop coming. Fantasy High: Sophomore Year is barely in the record books and we’re already jumping into our new season--the Game of Thrones/Candyland mashup: A Crown of Candy!

If y’all have been with me since Sophomore Year then you know that I did very in depth recaps of every episode with a very specific format but I’m gonna try something new for this season.

The format might change a little between episodes as I figure out what works best so bear with me but the plan is to do more highlights and opinions than a blow by blow. But, like, we’ll see what happens.

So, anyway, saddle up your Meep and let’s visit Candia--one of the six kingdoms of the land of Calorum (aka: a fridge. We see you Brennan, it’s a fridge). Twenty years ago, the Ravening Wars wreaked havoc but they’re currently in a time of peace which (mostly) everybody is psyched about.

Meet the Family

This is not a new observation but, while most seasons of Fantasy High focus on found family, this season is all about family-family, specifically, the royal family of Candia and their associates. 

We’re first introduced to Murph’s character--Sir Theobald Gumbar (Level 3 Eldritch Knight)--who is the a huge, golden-armored, gummy bear, leader of the Tartguard, protector of the royal family, and the logical endpoint of Murph’s lawful good predilections. Sir Theo is, of course, on time with bells on for the big Saint’s Day/Coming of Age birthday party for the twin princesses of House Rocks. Unfortunately, he’s clearly never seen The Little Mermaid because when the heralds announce the princesses, they don’t show up. Frustrated, he goes to try and find them.

The first place he checks is with Zac’s character, Chancellor Lapin Cadbury (Level 3 Celestial Warlock). He is (in no particular order) the royal tutor, a chocolate bunny, an official of the main state sanctioned church of Calorum (the Bulbian Church), and a pompous ass. Oh, one more thing? He and Theobald can’t stand each other. There is nothing funnier than two very proper grown men who hate each other's guts. Sir Theo shows up to his classroom where the princesses are having a lesson--or at least they’re supposed to be. Further inspection shows that they’ve just left two straw dummies in their place. Classic.

So, we pan out to the city to meet my favorite characters so far (I absolutely play favorites but I also disclose when I’m doing it so I think I’m in the clear) the twin princesses/chaos gremlins--Jet and Ruby Rocks (both level 1 Rogues) played by Emily and Siobhan. Theo may not have seen The Little Mermaid but the twins have def seen Aladdin, because their number one pastime seems to be escaping the palace to roam the city--hilariously illustrated when they chuck a gem into a peasant's bag and his reaction is a super nonplussed, “Guess the princesses escaped again.” They’re got the Disney Princess-itis really bad because both of them feel stifled by palace life and want more--specifically, Jet wants to be a warrior and resents having been born in peacetime (especially since she’s slightly older and in line for the throne) and Ruby wants to run off and join the circus as an acrobat. They are total twin BFFs to the point that their Thieves Cant has been reskinned to Twinspeak which is a detail I love so much (and that will become unspeakably tragic if something happens to one of them Brennan). 

Jet gets a letter from her secret crush Thad, an Avocado from Fructera (these are the sentences I am being forced to write this season folks) and schemes with Ruby about how they can get to Comida (the capital city) to meet him--possibly by sweet talking Theobald which is easy because he’s so thirsty for respect. Sure enough, Theobald and Lapin soon find them, following their path of destruction and the princesses are brought back to the castle.

Back at the castle, we’re introduced to Lou’s character--King Amethar Rocks (Level 3 Storm Herald Barbarian)--who is having a somber moment, surrounded by the statues of his four older sisters who died in the Ravening Wars, leading his reluctant taking of the throne. He’s interrupted by Lord Calroy (his right hand guy and a full ass talking slice of cake because Brennan is trying to break me this season but I refuse to give him the satisfaction) who lets him know that his daughters have escaped and his delighted reaction immediately lets us know which side of the family they take after.

Finally (at least wrt PCs), we meet Ally’s character--Liam Wilhelmina of House Jawbreaker (Level 2 Ranger) who is a political prisoner/ward of House Rocks and a soft, outdoorsy, mountain kid who is perpetually followed around by his pet pig--Peppermint Preston whose death will absolutely force to me to Google “Best Denny’s Parking Lots for Fistfights.” He misses his dad but not his dick brothers because Ally isn’t allowed to have a fully happy family in any season. Liam is from the disgraced House Jawbreaker and his brothers seem to expect him to try and off the King while he’s in their orbit. While he’s in the woods, looking for seeds (as one does) he finds and accidentally breaks an important looking teacup, which we’ll get back to.

The other important character we meet this episode is an NPC--Queen Caramelinda, mother of the princesses, wife of Amethar, and keeper of 100% of the impulse control of House Rocks. She’s the main disciplinarian to Jet and Ruby, the clear decision-maker in the kingdom, and the only literate one out of her and her husband. She also seems to be the only character that respects Lapin’s authority. 

An Inciting Incident

So, with all our characters assembled, all that’s left is the plot hook which Caramelinda provides in the form of a personal letter from Emperor Gustavo--the head honcho of the entire realm and his old friend--to Amethar. He’s not doing well health-wise and he needs to name an heir that’s not related to him at a big tourney that he’s personally inviting Amethar to. Amethar is a little slow on the uptake but Caramelinda eventually connects to dots for him that it seems very likely that Gustavo is going to name him emperor.

Amethar is not vibing with that information at all but Caramelinda basically holds him by the ear until he reluctantly agrees to go--though he insists that Ruby and Jet also come along to keep him company. Caramelinda only agrees on the condition that Lapin goes with. She also invites Liam (who is caught off guard but game) and Sir Theo is basically going by default. Caramelinda is staying home to hold down the fort but the talking slice of cake is going because Brennan hates me and doesn’t want me to be happy. 

The traveling party is chosen, the twins have been gifted with sick, inherited weapons from their aunts: Flickorice--the Twizzing Blade (Jet) and Sourscratch--the Puckering Bow (Ruby). It’s almost time to be off, but there’s still one last thing to get to before we leave the twins’ party. 

Lapin, feeling the pull of something broken (told you we’d get back to it) subtly makes his way outside, but is followed by Jet and Liam. Now, if you remember, I said earlier that Lapin is an official of the Bulbian church. Which is why it’s so surprising for Jet and Liam to see him talking to the Sugarplum Fairy, a deity of the Sweetening Path--a non-sanctioned more animistic religion that really only has sway in Candia. He fixes the teacup and then she appears, telling him that he’ll need to be wary once he leaves her sphere of influence and that boldness will be required in the days to come. Lapin, who seems to be having this conversation very begrudgingly, asks if she’s asking him to do anything in an official capacity and she smiles and says that she’s not asking for her third wish(!). Then what does she want? She wants him to know that there is great risk in what he is doing, but not acting is the greater risk. The coming challenges will be great, but he must protect the royal family or all is lost. She wouldn't have used her second wish to bring him to them if that weren’t the case. They hustle back and spill this to Ruby, obvs.

Anyway, onward! The next day, the caravan is set up and--with a warning about a sugar free chocolate warlock (ominous, as sugar free chocolate always is) they’re on their way to meet their escort out of Candia. Ruby decides to do her acrobat thing and is hanging out on top of the carriage instead of inside it as she and Jet “subtly” (read:not at all) bring up the Sugarplum Fairy to Lapin to see if he cracks.

Suddenly, the caravan stops. There’s a tree felled in the path, which really only means one thing in this kind of story. 

Ambush.

Ruby, outside of the carriage and unprotected, takes 16 points of damage and is fully down with a failed death save due to some unknown effect. The carriage is riddled with arrows. 

Everyone rolls for initiative and that takes us into a new (sure to be recurring) segment I’m calling:

Things I’m Concerned About

I’m concerned about Jet and Ruby (and not just because I’ve been worried about Ruby for a while due to things the cast has said and because she fully *died* this episode). They have their genres so wrong. They think they’re Disney movie protagonists but they’re in Game of Thrones and they don’t know it. Being Wrong Genre Savvy is a BAD position to find yourself in. Carriage surfing shenanigans don’t fly in a world that wants you dead.

OK, Carameinda. I’m inclined to be pro-Caramelinda. Like, she’s the hardass but she needs to be because Amethar isn’t helping run the kingdom. If this was a different story, she wouldn’t give me any pause but I read Macbeth and feel some light Lady Macbeth vibes. Gonna be keeping an eye on her.  

Calroy and Sir Toby (didn’t mention him, he’s a slightly lower ranked Gummi Bear guard and friends with Theo). In a story like this, I’m looking for the possible betrayals before I get blindsided and the only people who can really betray you are people who are supposedly loyal to you. Calroy had a little aside with Amethar about how he shouldn’t be the Emperor if he doesn’t want to be--which isn’t wrong but is also something someone angling to keep him off the throne for other reasons would say--and Sir Toby decided to stay behind to help hold down the fort--again, either an innocuous decision, or angling to be left alone and to his own devices. 

Whatever is going on with the Sugarplum Fairy and Lapin? Do not care for that one bit. I understand that a Warlock pact is mechanically very similar to a Paladin oath and a Celestial Warlock pact is even moreso but guess what? Still don’t trust it. I know Ruby’s Arcana check said that she’s generally a chill spirit but I still don’t trust it. And getting Wishes from your follower? Weird and suspicious. What’s your game, lady?

Emperor Gustavo apparently has a daughter who is barred by law from taking the throne when he dies. That sounds like a very strong motive for *something* at some point down the line. 

I’m a little concerned Jet is being catfished by this Avocado. First of all, not a sentence I thought I’d ever write. Second of all, I’m probably just being paranoid. But that feels like a great way to get a princess alone for kidnapping or shanking or something. 

Update: Brennan did an AMA and, regarding the previous bullet point he said, and I quote, “You are right to be concerned!” so now I’m concerned about that too! Fun!

I’m concerned about the mechanics of how a slice of cake person works. Slice implies a full cake. Where is the rest of the cake Brennan? Where is it? And, like, Brennan said on the post-show stream that we’re making the “what do they eat?” question weirder than it actually is because we’re made of some of the stuff we eat but hey Brennan? If I could pick a flesh toned and textured apple off a tree? That would be weird, OK? And I’m sorry for everyone else who had to picture that but it had to be said since Brennan is insisting on walking us down this garden path.

I’m concerned about whatever the hell is happening with Liam. Disgraced dad, mom is a shaman of the local fringe religion (Sweetening Path, like Lapin), and his brothers want him to shank the king or something? No way this ends in smiles for everyone. 

Brennan said Pyramid of Food so I’m concerned about fruit rollup mummies. 

OK but more than anything, I’m concerned about the death rules of this game. Death in D&D is cheap but, in a campaign like this, it can’t be. I’m not super well versed in GoT but it’s my understanding that resurrection in that series is possible but rare. Brennan said he specifically didn’t let Ally stock certain healing spells and that’s very telling about how things are gonna be handled. I guess we’ll see in the upcoming battle episode how that works but my general thought is, I hope everyone made interesting backup characters.  

Five More Things

So, my thoughts on the new characters. I love Ruby and Jet with my entire heart. Watching Emily and Siobhan roleplay sisters and enable each other and hype each other up is so fun--or it would be if I wasn’t low key bracing to lose one of them sooner rather than later. Zac playing against type and Murph playing to type are both fantastic. I want nothing more than for Theobald and Lapin to continue sniping at each other. I hope that’s the first PvP fight of D20. Amethar is a lot of fun but clearly in over his head and I’m interested to see where he’s pushed. Liam is literally just vibing. Hope he doesn’t have to commit regicide!     

God, the House Rocks PCs are such a disaster family. I love it. The moment when Calroy comes in and is like, “The princesses have escaped,” and Amethar breaks into a grin and is like, “Dude, that’s so dope!” I was like OH, so it’s *all* of them, huh. But, honestly, this should have been on the “Things I’m Concerned About” list because come on. They’ve not all gonna make it. And then we’re gonna have to watch the remaining family members react to that? Oh no. 

Love Ruby’s bow. I have a player in my game who also has a magic bow that produces energy arrows because, truly, who has the time to deal with the logistics of how many arrows you had left after last fight? Magic arrows. Boom, done. Next. 

Getting bagged on by your Patron for not having a spell when she’s the one who gives you your spells is so funny. Also, Mending isn’t a Warlock spell which makes it even funnier. 

**I’ve given myself a 3k word limit on all of these to try to put some boundaries on myself but, Lol, prize to the first who guesses closest to the first episode I break that rule.**

[jolienjoyswriting]

Melon’s Birthday

"Melon's Birthday," a very twisted Beastars fan fiction story. Co-written by AI Dungeon (Griffin AI)

The day has finally arrived!  It's Melon's birthday!  And, of course… you, Haru, made a promise to him.  You make lots of promises to lots of people… but the one you made to your half-predator, half-prey friend is one you intend to keep.

Word count: 2,976 – Character count: 16,372 Draft time: UNKNOWN (07 pages) Drafted: November 14th, 2020 –

Spoiler Warning This story contains major spoilers about the Beastars series finale.

Okay, I'll be honest, here – I didn't like how Beastars ended.  I thought the ending felt rushed, clichéd, and smelled horribly either of executive meddling or of Ms. Itagaki throwing her hands up and going “eff it”.  There were also some plot threads left unresolved, or just plain discarded… such as Haru’s promise to Melon.  This fan fiction was written to correct what I felt like was a missed opportunity and is totally not me just exercising a bizarre fetish I didn’t know I had until I started reading Beastars.  No.  Not at all.  (:

Random fact: I played Haru during the writing of this story.  Not that it mattered too much, since I also wrote several lines for Melon. Also of note, this story was Reported into oblivion by some people on AI Dungeon.  I’ve removed it from publication because of this.  Sorry.

Melon, Legosi, Haru, and "Beastars" series and related characters and concepts created by Paru Itagaki and © Akita Shoten

    It was a chilly, Winter day.  Snow fell over the city, but no one seemed to notice.  The Back Alley Market was torn down during the last Turf War, replaced by other businesses, and unity between predator and prey species was at an all-time high and things had truly never been better in the city!  However, despite the uneventful day outside… it was certainly eventful inside a certain prison.

    During the events of the past Turf War, the mysterious killer known only as Melon was arrested and locked in solitary confinement.  He was finally getting the help he needed.  As it just so happened, it was Melon's birthday, on this wintery day, and he'd already had some visitors, such as his "friend" Legosi, who gave him a couple of books and some candy.  He didn't know it, but he was in for a surprise visit from another "friend" of his…

    The criminal was reading one of the books Legosi gave him when he heard them arrive.     "Thanks," he heard a female voice call. When he looked up, he saw a white dwarf rabbit talking to one of the guards outside of his cell.  Then, as the guard let her in… he perked.     "Haru…" he whispered in a mix of surprise and borderline-happiness.  "You came…"     "Professor," she greeted with a soft smile.     Her smile warmed as she watched him stand to meet her.  She walked over, sitting on a padded bench and looking into his cold eyes.     "Happy birthday," she told him as she set a vacuum flask next to herself.  "I made you some coffee."     "Thank you," he replied softly.     She poured some coffee into a plastic cup, then poured some for herself.     "The guard wouldn't let me bring mugs in," she told him with a sigh.  "They're afraid you might try and hurt yourself.  I told them you wouldn't do that… not anymore… but they didn't listen.  I hope this is okay."     "It is," he answered.     He took a sip of coffee.  It tasted strange, like chalk, and it was hot enough to burn his tongue… which is how he liked it.  Even so, it made him cough.     "Blow, silly," she chuckled as she blew cool air onto her own drink.  "So, how are you holding up, here?  Are they treating you alright?"     He nodded silently, downing the whole cup, making himself hiss.  Then, wordlessly, he  handed the empty container back to her as she shook her head.     "Thanks for the drink," he said.  "I don't deserve it, but…"     "You do," she countered.  "You're trying, Melon.  And, that's what counts."     He looked at the rabbit, his eyes devoid of any feeling.     "Doesn't matter," he answered.  "There's no helping me.  I'm diseased.  Plagued.  I shouldn't exist… but I do.  Because my mother was a whore and my father was a pervert."     She sipped her drink as she watched Melon's expression falter.     "Do you know the saddest thing about what you just said?" she asked, once he'd finished her sip.  "You honestly believe every word of that."     She offered him another smile.     "Melon, you're not a monster," she told him.  "You're a… well, a lot of things, but a monster isn't one of them."     "You don't know what I am," he hissed back.     "No, Melon, I really don't," she agreed.  "But, I'm willing to find out."     "Why?" he asked in disbelief.     "Because." Her face warmed a little.  "You're proof that predator and prey can truly love each other."     Her tone was light, her smile warm.  It caused his stomach to twist into a sickening knot.     "So, you've said," he dismissively mumbled.

    "Melon, I know you don't want to hear it, but… you're a miracle.  You're the result of two very different people coming together and making a conscious decision to love one another.  Maybe it wasn't fair.  You didn't ask for this… ask to be born.  But, I'm glad that you were.  Just meeting you… learning about you… gave me new hope for my relationship with Legosi."     Haru bit her lip, stopping herself from saying anything more.  Once she'd stopped talking, she looked down at her drink, stirring it slowly as she began to blush.  Her ears were red, her fur bristling with anxiousness.     "I brought you something for your birthday, Melon," she said as she nodded to the guard.  When he and his partner walked away, she turned back to Melon with an oddly shy sort of smile.  "It's not coffee."     The hybrid animal cocked his head.  Haru hadn't clarified what it was beyond that.  Rather, she'd crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared down at her hands as she fiddled with a ring that adorned her finger.     "Well?" she asked hesitantly.  "Do you… like it?"     He stared in confusion.  "Do I like what?" he said in a short tone.     "Your birthday present!" she cheerfully exclaimed, looking up at him.     When he gave another confused look, she sighed and smiled.     "You forgot my promise, huh?  You're almost bad as Legosi…" she muttered.     She looked down, absentmindedly rubbing at her fingers as she frowned to herself.     "I guess I did," he grumpily muttered.  She could tell that he was lying, though.     "I promised…" she started as she removed her ring and put it into her dress pocket, "that you could eat me for your birthday.  So…"     She stood up and stepped over.     "If you still want to…"     She then beamed up at the confused killer. "I'd like to be your prey!"

    Melon's breath caught in his throat.  His eyes shot open, his irises expanding to the point where they seemed almost hollow.  His jaw dropped as bunny looked upon him with a predatory gaze of her own.     "I already paid off the guards so they won't interrupt.  They won't be back for an hour," she said with a soft chuckle.  "I also had them turn off the cameras for this room.  I'm all yours, Professor… just like I promised."     She put her hands on the rim of her sweater, fingers hooking under it.     "So… if you still want to eat me…"     She lifted the dress from the bottom and pulled it off her body.  Then, as she tossed the garment aside, revealing the naked form that lay underneath, she whispered…     "I'm yours…"

    Melon stared at the young rabbit woman.  He knew she must work out – surely that what kept her body looking so perfect.  Her belly was flat, ribs showing where none should be.  Her body was young and firm; soft skin that was still strong enough to excite a man nearly twice her age.  Her legs were long and slender, just a few extra pounds around her hips.  She was definitely a sight to behold… and for some reason, that made him conscious of his own gaunt body.  His own was nowhere near as developed.  It was just… deadly.     After a moment of staring, Melon stood up, taking Haru into his arms like a plush toy.  He then sat on the bench, placing the girl right in his lap.     "I want to eat you," he breathed.     When Melon licked his lips, Haru blushed a little.  That wasn't the look of an animal looking for food that he was giving her…  No, what she saw was a different kind of "hunger".     "W-wait," she said with a frustrated scowl.  "Melon, that's not what I–"     He covered her mouth with his hand, two of his long fingers wrapping around her neck.  She shivered, but she didn't struggle.     "No, that's fine," Melon softly said, pulling his hand away. He looked at her, gently running his fingers through her short fur.  Then, he leaned down, forcing her into a rough kiss that was surprisingly warm and gentle.  Just as he was starting to get into the swing of things…     "M-Melon!"     She suddenly pushed him away and turned to one side, half-curling into herself.

    "M-Melon…" she whispered, her voice unusually soft.  "When you said you wanted to eat me, I-I thought…"     She sighed, then she looked up, locking eyes with the murderer.     "You're welcome to eat me…" she sternly told him, gently holding the hand that stayed curled around her throat, "but I can't do those other things with you.  Besides…"     She looked up with a soft, sad sort of smile.     "You can do better than a sad little rabbit for that.  Surely!"

    Melon watched helplessly, his expression unchanging, as she suddenly started to shiver.  The girl's body began to shudder as silent sobs wracked her.  Was she suddenly scared he would rape her?  Or, was it something else?  She buried her head in her knees, trying to hide as she was overwhelmed by her emotions.  He didn't like seeing her like that… but what could he do?

    He reached out his hand to her, and she looked at it, sniffling.     "S… sorry," she hiccuped, trying to save face.  "I guess… I guess I wasn't expecting you to suddenly find me attractive.  You really have changed, haven't you?"     She didn't mean that in a bad way, of course.  She was proud of all the progress he'd made since his defeat and his attempt at suicide, so many months ago.  It was just…     "I love Legosi, Melon…  It took me a long time to realize that I love his big, dumb, idiotic self.  But, I'm a girl who keeps her promises."  She paused.  "I made a promise that I'd let you eat me for your birthday, and I still mean it.  I… I want you to eat me.  Because, I want you to be able to feel something.  I want you to be happy…"     She sniffled a little more and rubbed her wet eyes.  Meanwhile… her words made his face scrunch up in disgust and anger.     "What?  What are you talking about?  What?" Melon asked angrily, his hand tightening around her throat.     "I'm saying… I want you to be happy," she gasped as he started to choke her.  "I want you to be happy and to feel.  If eating me can help you do all that… then I'll gladly let you.  You're… you're special to me.  You're interesting.  You're proof that love conquers all."     She softly caressed his hand and looked away, feeling slightly embarrassed.     "I must sound like a holiday greeting card, right now…" she laughed.  "But… it's true."     She looked his way, again, her eyes staring right into his, once more.     "You don't know how amazing you are, Melon.  But, I do.  That's why I want to keep my promise to you.  Please… don't hold back.  Eat me."

    Haru's eyes slipped shut as she sat in the killer's lap, holding her breath.  She didn't resist and she didn't fight back as he tightened his grip on her neck while she caressed his hand.  She was shivering and her heart was pounding… but she wasn't afraid.  She was just… doing what came naturally to a little prey animal, like her.  She couldn't help that her body wanted to run or that her brain wanted her to cry out for help.  She would do neither, though.  All she wanted… was for the beautiful hybrid that was strangling her… to eat her.  And he would, in due time.

    He looked back into her eyes.  She was already struggling to breathe.  Soon, she wouldn't be able to go on.  Yet… she was still able to look right into his.  He could see it in her eyes… he could see that she meant what she said… that it was okay.  She genuinely wanted this.  Maybe even more than he did…  It was like a challenge, even though she didn't know it.  She wanted him to eat her.  Was it a reward for being brave or something?  Maybe, it was more like a dare.

    Melon's expression went back and forth between a mixture of disgust and desire.  He licked his lips as he stared at her neck.  He wanted to snap it… end her misery before it could begin.  But at the same time, he didn't want to hurt her.  No… he just wanted to eat her.  Just like she wanted.  This was what he needed.  It didn't matter that she was pretty.  It didn't matter that she was a prey animal.  It didn't even matter that she was practically challenging him to do it.  What mattered was that she wanted this more than he did.  If she really cherished his freedom that much, then he would do it.  He would eat her… and he would be free.

    "M… Melon?  Wh…" the girl wheezed.     He tightened his grip on her neck, lifting her into the air as she coughed and gagged.  Then, with little emotion to his voice, he whispered…     "I'm sorry…"     Haru closed her eyes, violently trembling.  He was moving his head closer to her… threatening to bite her throat.  In mere seconds… it would be over.  And, no matter what… she was going to fight all of her hard-coded urges and simply… let him do whatever he wanted with her tender, delicious body.  It was her birthday gift, given to someone she admired… someone she wanted to make happy.  She wanted him to do that.  Perhaps she was a bit jealous that he existed… or perhaps she understood him in a way no one else ever could.  She didn't feel scared.  She didn't feel anxious.  She felt… excited.     "I… want this…" she whispered as her words blurred into a hoarse cough.  "M… Melon.  Eat… me…"     "Yes…"

    The two animals felt an unusual form of ecstatic feeling flow through their veins as it happened.  Haru squeaked in a mix of pain and ingrained fear.  She could feel every inch of Melon's cheetah fangs burying themselves into her delicate neck.  Even Melon, who was all but dead on the inside, felt something new… something unfamiliar… something that he thought he would never feel again.  And as he tasted her blood for the first time, it was like a shooting pain, but a good shot straight through his heart.

    He gasped for breath, his grip growing weak on her neck.  The girl had stopped moving, her red life fluids trickling through her pure, white fur and down his clutched hand.  She was still breathing, though… still alive.  He'd intentionally held back just enough… to savor her taste.  A taste that he hadn't expected.  As he cleaned his teeth of her blood, he tasted something more than what was there… something deeply emotional.  It was the sweetest thing he'd ever felt… better than anything he'd ever tasted before.  He wanted more of it.  He wanted it all the time.  And so he did what he set out to do.

    He went back to the well, and he drank.  And drank.  And drank.

    "N-ngh…"     Haru tried to reach up and grasp his wrist.  However, she fell short.  He was feeding like he was a vampire and her little body was losing blood, fast.  It made her feel weak and dizzy… and happy.  Very happy.  He was really taking his time… enjoying things at his own pace…     "H-H... Happy...  B... Birthday, Melon...!" she managed to grunt as her vision started to darken and blur.  She was certainly going to die with a warm smile on her face… knowing that she made her friend so happy.     Melon slowly withdrew his head from off her throat, licking the last traces of blood from his lips.  He held her hand in his and looked into her pale eyes, which stared into his own.  She wasn't focusing, anymore.  She was starting to fade on him.  Good.  His plan was working.  Soon… she would lose consciousness, and he could eat her without hurting her any further.     "Thank… you…  Melon…" she whispered.     "My pleasure," he said with genuine warmth to his voice.     As the girl drifted off, the two of them shared one last smile…

    When the guards returned at the start of the next hour, they were stunned to see that the little, white rabbit girl had, indeed, kept her word.  All that remained was a small pile of clothing, some bones and inedible organs, and a vacuum flask she'd brought with her.     "You actually did it…" one guard said, feeling sick to his stomach.  "You actually ate her…  You sick, twisted bastard."     Melon sat on his bed, rubbing his belly and licking his lips.  He flashed a wicked, awful grin to the guard.     "Happy birthday to me," he practically purred, "happy birthday to me…"

    There was absolutely no remorse to his voice or shame on his face.  In fact, he had never looked happier.  There was, however, a sole regret that rested in his mind…     I'll never get to experience this, ever again…     He shrugged a little.     Such is life.

    In the name of keeping a promise.  Haru had made the ultimate sacrifice, that day.  And, in her last moments of consciousness, she felt absolutely no regrets in her decision.  After all… she'd wanted Legosi to eat her since that business with the old leader of the Shishigumi.  Because it would have made her happy.  She recalled thinking about the events that transpired after that time… how, in a fit of necessity… Legosi had been convinced to eat the foot of their mutual friend, Louis.  In some twisted way, she was even a little jealous that Legosi had done it, regardless of circumstances.  Legosi and Louis would always have that deep, emotional bond… something she felt that she lacked with the big, dumb wolf.

    Before her light had completely faded… she smiled.  She smiled because she was finally able to have that sort of bond with someone she cared for.  She smiled because she was finally able to make someone genuinely happy.  And, she smiled because she finally got to play the role she was born into…

    She was finally able to be the prey that she was meant to be.

[readyplayerhobi]

Insert Quippy Title Here!!

; Deadpool!Jimin x Reader

; Genre: Smutty smut smut smu- okay there’s some fluff and crack too

; Word Count: Long..like my di- (8.5k)

; Warnings: Everything bab- (WOULD YOU LET ME SPEAK?!) oral sex (hola senor blowjob), masturbation (sweet baby grapes yes), anal play ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  crude language (what are you 12?), unprotected sex (stay safe kids!), spanking

; Synopsis: There is no synopsis. It’s just you...me...and a real good time sweet cheeks.

; A/N: This just came about because I talked about it with @yminie. Probably not as funny as I thought it was...there’s a plot if you squint somewhere. Supposed to be a drabble. Evidently not.

-

The living room is quiet until suddenly a figure jumps up from behind the couch, jolting in surprise as he turns round and catches sight of the reader. A black gloved hand presses against the red leather that covers his chest while the white eye circles of his face mask become overly exaggerated.

“Oh...you scared me there. I was just...cleaning...for dust bunnies. Behind the couch. Definitely not playing with tiny unicorn toys. No way. You’re dead wrong. And if you tell my girlfriend. I will call you a liar. A big...beautiful liar.” He moves around the couch in tiny, awkward movements before his hand flicks quickly as he throws something away.

The toy unicorns hit the ground with tiny plastic thumps but he lets out a high pitched giggle that distracts attention. “So...you may recognise me. I’m kind of a big deal. At least, I think I’m a big deal. You may recognise me from that super awesome comic series, or even the really, hugely successful films that have come out starring the incredibly handsome Ryan Reynolds. What a face, am I right?”

He sits down, grumbling slightly when one of the swords on his back catches the couch pillow before he throws it to the side and leans backwards, spreading both arms while crossing a leg over his knee.

“So...my story. I have many...many different stories. And this is a...a little one. A short one. Just for you guys. My sweet, beautiful, loyal people.” A kiss is blown. “My name is Park Jimin, and I’m one handsome motherfucker if I do say so myself.” His head tilts to the side before shrugging.

“A few things to make clear before we move on with this ‘totally-not-fanfiction’ story. Number one, if you’re questioning where the extra four inches went compared to Ryan Reynolds,” He shifts slightly and strokes his ass. “Prime Park ass, right here. Perfect.” Bringing his fingers together, he blows another kiss.

“Secondly, I cannot be held accountable if you fall in love with me. I’m sorry my darlings, but it just can’t be. Fourthly, I was born in Busan first - wait I’m not supposed to know that yet. Fifthly...is that a word? Wait...did I miss a number? Did I? Whatever. What was I going to say?” Everything starts to go black and he jerks around, complaining loudly.

“Wait, no! STOP IT! You come back here camera! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY FROM THE-wait I have to go so the story starts? Oh...okay, capiche.” He finger guns to the side before saluting. “Enjoy table fuckers. I LOVE YOU SPIDER-MAN!” He screams before everything stops.

-

The first time you’d ever met Park Jimin, he’d been regaling the room with a story about a fuzzy unicorn that had come into his room and given him a blowjob in the middle of the night. He’d been high at the time of course, but you’d come to learn that Jimin’s mind genuinely worked that way sometimes.

The scarred yet incredibly handsome man had an infectious personality that both exasperated and amused you, pulling you in while simultaneously making you want to push him away. He’d been a complete enigma to you, still was sometimes, and you often wondered if he was actually okay.

Yet despite the foul mouth he had on him, he’d proven to be a loyal friend to you once he’d let you inside those high walls. It had taken two years of friendship, with him scurrying off at random points and blurting out the most obscene comments, before you finally asked him on a date.

At the time, he’d been incredulous, pointing to himself frequently and asking if you were aware who you were asking out. He was loud mouthed and occasionally offensive, but he had a heart of gold and a little bit of insecurity to go along with it. How could you not fall in love with him?

Honestly, he probably only dated you for the first few months to see if you’d actually stay around or if he was going to find out that it was some big, elaborate prank. It hadn’t been, as you’d genuinely found him attractive and his personality infectious, despite the concerns from your friends and family.

And yet...once he’d realised that you were staying with him because of him and not some dumb bet you’d made with Yoongi, he’d lowered his guard with you. Maybe too much actually. He had odd habits. Like some weird overgrown cat, he’d started to leave you presents in your home. Teddy bears, gummy sweets...even a hosepipe, which had been bizarre until he had simply shrugged and said they were on sale at Home Depot.

You didn’t even have anywhere to use a hosepipe. You lived in an apartment in the city, which he knew about.

If anything, you often got the impression that Jimin didn’t really have many real interactions with people who weren’t his best friend. In fact, it was a constant surprise to you that Taehyung was friends with Jimin...because he was as normal as apple pie.

And yet the feeling that there was something special about Jimin had gone on unabated, He would vanish at the weirdest times, say the oddest things on the phone sometimes and he also had the most unreal skills when it came to games or anything sports like - even if he did whine like a soccer mom at a PTA meeting.

His distinctly odd behaviour, which says a lot given how unusual he behaves anyway, had meant that the revelation of his alter ego had been anti-climatic. Like getting excited to go for a meal at your friends house and then finding out you have to eat a salad, not exactly nutritious and about as filling as the dick you’d had on prom night.

Honestly, he was a bit of an idiot sometimes. You’d been dating six months when you found out, walking into his apartment with a box of pizza in your arms only to discover your frequently ebullient boyfriend half naked.

That, was not the unusual bit. He liked to walk around in his tight Spider-Man briefs, pointing out the cute cartoon face on them frequently before asking if you’d like to touch his dick. Or his Spider-Man toys. So no, being half naked was not the bit that had made you raise your eyebrows, even if your boyfriend was insanely ripped for a ‘delivery boy’.

No, it had been the red and black leather suit that he’d been tugging on, one arm already inserted before he’d frozen in place. Your jaw had dropped at the sight, eyes going almost comically wide as he stood awkwardly, the famous mask with two black areas under the white eyes staring up at you from the couch.

“Listen, let’s be honest. This is not the weirdest thing you’ve caught me doing.” He’d stated bluntly, his tone very calm for someone whose girlfriend was finding out his super-alter ego. You’d gone to argue with him, placing the box of pepperoni pizza on the side table and stepping closer before stopping when he raised his hand.

“Remember that time I got so high I tried to smoke a cat’s tail? Or the time you caught me eating Play-Doh because Taehyung swore to me that it was edible candy? Which it wasn’t, the fucker. I had the worst shits for a week. Or that time you found me trying to suck my own di-” You’d held your own hand up then, eyes goggling before you’d simply sat on the couch and opened the box.

“No, you know what? You’re right. This is definitely not the strangest thing I’ve ever found you doing. Carry on Mr Superhero. I can’t guarantee there’ll be pizza waiting whenever you’re done.” You’d mumbled around a slice, moaning softly at the delicious taste of rich cheese combining with smokey pepperoni.

Jimin had stood at the door, his mask grasped in a tightly fisted black leather gloved hand while a look of childish petulance had taken over at the sight of you eating the pizza. “Not fair. You know I love the pepperoni from Jimmy’s! This is unjust torture. This is illegal. I’m calling the United Nations!”

He’d stormed out then before running back in and grabbing a slice, shouting out loudly that he loved you like Trump loved money and disappearing. You’d been in bed when he’d come back, neither of you commenting on his earlier antics.

As such, you’d slid into a strangely comfortable relationship that was open and honest. Your only requirement was that he a) not die, which apparently was like impossible for him or something, and b) not kill people in front of you. He’d bitched about it like a weak ass celebrity rapper in a feud looking for attention but accepted it.

He was still possibly the oddest person you’d ever met, but over the last 2 years of dating you’d gotten used to it. Which was why you were only mildly exasperated at his current antics in the middle of the restaurant you’d brought him to for your twice monthly date.

“Jimin, we’re supposed to be like...on a date. With each other. So like...why are you staring at those pictures of Spider-Man?” You ask, frowning as he sits frozen in place with his gaze firmly centered on the magazine. In it, there’s a double spread picture of Spider-Man in all his glory, his firm and toned body stretched out as he swoops through New York City.

Where he’d even pulled that from, you didn’t know, but he’d found it all the same. And Spider-Man was like catnip to Jimin.

“Have you ever...have you ever seen such beauty? It’s like...he’s like...if Chris Hemsworth had a baby with Chadwick Boseman and then that guy had a baby with Chris Evans and then that guy had a baby with Lupita Nyong’o and then THAT girl had a baby with Ji Chang Wook and then-” You cut him off with a raised hand.

“I get it. It’s like a lot of beautiful people improbably had babies with each other to produce the most beautiful person in the world. You do realise, you have no idea who Spider-Man is right? He might be the ugliest person in the world for all you know.” You reason with him, running a finger along the printed image of Spider-Man’s stomach.

He looks at you with wide eyes before pointing at his own scarred face, causing you to scoff and roll your eyes at his self-deprecation. “Look at his thighs though. I wish I was in the Avengers. I mean...my god. Those thighs are like...works of art. It’s like...Michelangelo and Raphael had a baby and-” Reaching forward, you press your hand to his mouth firmly.

“If you fucking say the word baby one more time, I will stab you in the dick with a fork.” Beneath your hand, you can feel his lips pulling into a grin while his brows wiggle. Leaning back, you cross your arms over your chest and wait to hear what he’s thinking.

“Baby...I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing. Let’s swing by the grocery store after this and pick up a cutlery set. What’s your thoughts about egg cups?” Lips twitching, you look away as your head shakes exasperatedly. Honestly, you wonder how on earth he always has a quip for everything.

“Seriously though. Those thighs. I mean...he can jump as high as a building so they’re packing some punch. What I wouldn’t give to get my ribcage smashed in by him. He looks like he could like...crush a mountain between those big and juicy thighs. I want to be that mountain. I want him to crack me like an egg and then do it all over again.” He looks up at you with eyes that are wide, his pupils blown out and you bite your lip to stop laughing.

“Are you hard?” You ask, your voice almost flat with expectation and zero surprise. Jimin looks down at his own lap and rubs a hand over his crotch slowly, brow raised.

“My penis is erect. Yes. I can’t help it. He just...turns me on so much. I can use it on you if you’d like? Forget about fork play. What’s your thoughts on role play? In particular...have you ever considered wearing a Spider-Man cosplay outfit? Because...I think you could work it. And you know that I have a strap-on that you can use. On me. Obviously. Please. It’s my one fantasy.” He begs, crossing his fingers together as he begs you from across the table.

Your brow raises as you watch him in amusement. “I thought your fantasy was to fuck on the wings of an airplane when it’s at full height?” He had very strange fantasies.

He pauses with plump lips wide open and those brown irises becoming more visible as his excitement deflates. “That’s one of them. But it’s kind of hard to fulfill you know. People generally need oxygen at that level and it’s really cold. I’m into some kinky shit but...dead people is a step too far. Even for me baby doll.”

Sighing deeply, you pinch your nose with your fingers as you breath out slowly afterwards. Centering yourself, you look back up at him with a fond smile as you reach across and take his hand, squeezing tightly.

“I’m not Spider-Man, and I’m not into stabbing you with cutlery. Nor can I fuck you on a plane. But I can give you a really good blow job and hopefully mind numbing sex back at mine if you’d like? A little vanilla but...oh well.” His own dark brow raise up and he runs a hand through his dark hair.

“What about a little anal play?” He lifts his fingers and moves them to give an inch gap, his pink tongue poking through his lips. You raise a brow and poke at your cheek with your own tongue.

“Not really in the mood for that tonight babe.” Jimin rolls his eyes at that and mimics you exaggeratedly, causing your eyes to narrow. He catches it and holds his hands up placatingly.

“Not you. Me. Just...give me a little something-something you know? Please.” Sighing, you gesture to the waiter for the bill as you take a final sip of your water, smiling at him as you lean forward.

“Fine.” Jimin dances in his seat excitedly, his bright smile taking over his face and you laugh quietly. Paying the bill, you’d both agreed a while ago to alternate between paying which was why you’d chosen something particularly cheap today, you stand up and take his hand when he gives it.

“Let’s go fuck my ass!” He says out loud, causing the rest of the patrons of the restaurant to stare with wide eyes. Cheeks heating up at his loud comment, you groan and push him to the exit as quickly as possible.

“Do you have no shame?!”

“Does Tony Stark have too much money? Hell no! On that note, don’t you think it’s unfair that we don’t get paid for like...saving the world? I mean...it’s a public service you know. In fact, they even tried to charge me for breaking a store window. Excuse me! But if it wasn’t for me...they’d be dead!” Jimin continues on down the street, causing you to sigh good naturedly.

You spot a shortcut that would cut out at least ten or fifteen minutes of your journey between two buildings while he rants and gently tug him towards it. The closer you got, the more he slowed down until it felt like you were trying to drag a toddler.

Actually you were lucky, there had been occasions when Jimin had just gotten onto the floor and whined. You’d, literally, had to drag a grown man across the floor.

Looking down the grim alley with a grimace, Jimin hesitates slightly before looking back at you. His eyes widen almost comically before he pulls an overly exaggerated grimace, whining and stamping his feet.

“Do we have to go down the dark and scary alley with a completely unarmed and untrained woman on my arm? Or can we just go to the well lit street and get a taxi back home?” He asks deadpan, causing you to raise a brow.

“It’s just an alley Jimin, calm down. Besides, you have like...crazy superpowers. If we’re attacked, just fight them. And you can’t die either.” He scoffs at that as he follows you, kicking at an empty can petulantly as his thumbs hook onto his belt loop.

“Yeah, okay. I’m just going to say that though I can’t die, it fucking hurts. Imagine your neck being snapped and then having to re-snap it back into place! Sweet baby Jesus and all the disciples, it’s like a pain you’ve never known. And you never will, because it will kill you. And we’re not testing that okay?” He mutters, causing to chuckle lightly at him as you wrap your arms around one well built arm.

“Is someone scared of the scary alley?” You pout to him, sticking your lower lip out almost comically. He gasps theatrically and places a hand on his chest daintily, leaning back to give it maximum effect.

“Moi? Scared of a creepy alley that is obviously going to be filled with enemies that I have to defeat because that’s how stories with superheroes go? Don’t be silly. I’m just annoyed at the poor plot choice here. That plot hole is so big, I can almost fit my dick in it. It’s almost like this story is being written by an amateur fanfiction writer.” He glares at some unseen figure in the sky, causing your brows to crease together.

“I’m going to elect to ignore that bizarre comment.” You mumble, tugging him forward when you can see the end of the alley.

Sudden movement from behind a dumpster has you freezing and you watch as a guy stands up, holding a knife out at you both. Jimin lets out quite possibly the world’s loudest groan at the sight, throwing his hands in the air.

“Fucking really? Really? This is...ridiculous. Come on General Fucknugget, just...lay off it tonight. I’m on a date with my girl and I’m going home for banging sex. No, you’re not invited.” He rolls his eyes, shifting his weight onto one leg as he eyes the man grumpily.

The guy sneers in response, waving the knife between you both as he grunts out. “Gimme your valuables. All of it. And your money.” Jimin mutters to himself softly, something about lame plots and superhero origin stories.

“Dude, you’re totally lucky I’m not in my suit right now. Or you’d realise this is a bad idea.” Your boyfriend tries to placate him, admirably holding onto his snark and temper given that he’s in the presence of you. But the guy ignores him and lunges forward, shaking the knife even more violently.

“Give it to me, or I’ll cut you!” At that, Jimin pauses and snorts out loud before eyeing the guy.

“Wow...scary. Did your mom write that? I mean...I doubt it...she was being a lot more creative when my dick was in her last night.” He sneers, baring his teeth at the mugger while his fingers curl up into fists.

At that, the guy gives a snarl of his own and jerks forward once more. “I’m gonna cut those pretty eyes right out of your fucking head while your girlfriend watches, then fuck her too.” You watch with wide eyes, gripping onto Jimin’s shirt to hold back before your boyfriend bursts into laughter suddenly.

“Oh geez. Oh man, so dark. You must be from the DC Universe! Tell me, is Henry Cavill still Superman or has he really left? I mean...after that performance in Mission Impossible, he should have just shaved off his moustache for that weird scene. Christ, it was not worth keeping that facial hair.” Both you and the guy pause, looking at each other almost comically in confusion before Jimin suddenly lashes out with a hard push that has the guy rocking back a few steps.

“Hey! Asshole!” The mugger shouts out, spitting on the ground to add to the waste that’s already littering it. Your nose wrinkles at the sight, until you notice another guy slowly coming forward from further down the alley. He too has a knife in his hand and you feel Jimin sigh.

“Oh look, it’s the weekly Dumbass Anonymous meeting. Fun. If your General Fucknugget, then is this Captain Cheese Dick? If I had my swords then you guys would be fucked!” He threatens, perhaps a little empty given he’s just waving his arms around now. The threat is obviously useless as they just laugh, eyeing the fact that he has no obvious weapons.

“Babe...do something already!” You whisper furiously, fully aware that Jimin could take out these two guys in only a few seconds. Compared to what he normally deals with, this is nothing! He turns around at that, ignoring the two and looks at you incredulously.

“Seriously? With what? Interpretative fucking dance? This isn’t Guardians of the Galaxy, I can’t win with a dance off. They have knives! And I have nothing but my dashing good looks and sharp quips.” He jerks his head at that, running a hand through his hair almost model-esque and you refrain from rolling your eyes. You’d only get eye strain from how many times you have to do it.

“I don’t know! A brick? There’s lot of them!” You say, pointing to the chipped bricks that litter the ground. He eyes them with disdain at first before those orbs light up with a sudden idea. Grinning, he wraps his arms around you tightly and spins you around before dropping you back down.

“Genius babe! It worked in the second film, so it’ll work now. Damn, who knew you were meta too?” You have no idea what he’s talking about but he picks up a brick and throws it in the air, catching it with ease. “Say hello...to my bricky friend.”

At that, he launches the brick at the first guys stomach and you shuffle backwards as you watch the guy bend over, wheezing as he holds his abdomen in pain. Jimin ignores him however and launches himself at the other guy, sprinting forward before suddenly sliding underneath him in a slick, impressive move. He spins around with his leg outstretched and the other guy falls over with a yelp as his own legs are knocked out from under him, the knife clattering to the ground.

With lightning fast moves, Jimin grabs the knife and slams the handle into the guys head, knocking him out cold on the floor before he’s up and moving once more. The first mugger is standing gingerly, with his knife held out in front of him as he tracks Jimin’s movements warily.

The corner of Jimin’s mouth ticks up and you can almost see the pleasure he gets out of this as he teases the guy, jerking his body one way before moving the other in rapid movements. After a few of those, he jumps forward and grabs hold of the guys arm, holding it out straight as he slams his body into outstretched part.

He’s moved in the direction the arm doesn’t bend and there’s a sickening crunch that ricochets in the alley, followed quickly by the guys sharp scream. Letting the guys arm go, Jimin pivots in place and performs the most perfect roundhouse kick to the head, leg straight and muscles straining from the effort, sending the guy crashing to the ground.

Picking up the fallen knife, Jimin drops down to straddle the guy and lifts it high in the air. “This is for threatening my girlfriend you ass. And for doing crime. Crime is bad! Did you never go to school? Or even watch a police chase programme? Or listen to Captain America?”

You rush forward at that, grabbing Jimin’s arm and making him drop the knife. He looks at you exasperated as you shake your head. “No killing when I’m here remember!” You hiss at him. He stares for a moment before groaning and letting his head fall back.

“You’re so lucky Mr Crime Man, that Batman over here doesn’t approve of me killing dudes around her. Each person I kill gets me a one week sex ban. So...in the name of my hard on, you are free to live another day.” He leans forward suddenly until he’s nose to nose with the mugger, whose eyes go wide as he cradles his arm tenderly. “But if you do anything again, I’m gonna make you get real acquainted with my swords. Remember the name, Martha and Stewart. Because they’ll be the last things you ever se-”

You interrupt him suddenly. “Really? You named your swords Martha Stewart? Oh my god. I’m dating a fucking nerd. I thought you called them Scarlett Johansson?” The words are said with just a tiny, read - a lot, of sarcasm and Jimin grits his teeth as he glares at you.

“Babe. I’m trying to be scary here. Can you criticise my sword name choice later? And they were, but I got the feeling you didn’t like them being named after someone so beautiful so I changed it. Anyway, not important!” He hisses before going back to the mugger.

“Right yeah. Blah, blah. Scary threat. Tell all your friends that Deadpool is watching for you. Dick ass.” He stands up at that, bringing up two fingers to his eyes before gesturing them back to the guy menacingly as you both walk down the whole alley.

You pull his hand away as you sigh. “Stop doing that. What are you? Ten?”

Jimin snorts as he wraps his arm around your waist comfortably, pulling you flush to his side as he wiggles his brows. “Inches yes. All the more to please you with baby. Kim Taehyung has got nothing on this Big Dick Energy.”

You don’t even both to answer him as you walk down the street to your apartment, just happy he didn’t kill a man in front of you. He always complained that your apartment was in a crappy area, but you often just pointed out that he lived in an abandoned warehouse in the middle of drug dealing gangs.

Your place at least had a bunch of stores nearby, so there were perks to that. Which he’d conceded to, acknowledging that the Korean store nearby had the best pre-packaged kimchi outside of Korea itself.

Probably a lie, but whatever.

Shoulder barging the door open, you let him into your place before closing the door and locking all four locks carefully. He watches with a raised brow, flicking the plywood door with a sneer. “I could break this with my pinky finger babe. It’d take nothing for someone to get in here, and then it’s welcome to Deadtown, population...you. And I’ll be unhappy if you die, just FYI. I may even go full on Celine Dion like in the film.”

Frowning at him, you move past him before going into the bedroom. He follows behind you, still complaining about your apartment and you turn around midway through stripping off, shirt thrown into the clothes bin.

“Do you want to get laid or would you rather keep sucking your own dick? Sounds like you’re doing a good job of it right now.” You state plainly, turning around as you unbutton your jeans. The sound of fabric moving from behind you tells you that he’s stripping off too, neither of you feeling the need to be too sexy right now.

“Maybe I wouldn’t suck my own dick if I didn’t do it so well.” He mutters and you spin around, crossing your arms over chest. It immediately pushes your breasts up and he pauses halfway through unzipping his jeans to stare.

“You have nice tits. Have I told you that before? Real...real nice. Come here sweet thing, let me suck on them. I know you like that.” He grins, pretty smile taking over. You wish he wasn’t so beautiful, it’d be easier to stay mad at him sometimes.

Rolling your eyes, you move over to him and let him wrap his arms around your shoulders, kissing your hair as his hands slide down your body to cup your hips. Slipping his fingers underneath the waistband of your panties, he pulls them back and lets the elastic snap against your hips.

The slight pain makes you hiss as you glare up at him, digging your own fingers into the firm meat of his hips. Immediately he’s grinning and pressing against your ass, pushing you into his crotch where you feel his hard erection already ready.

“I like that baby doll. How about you tie me up, slap me and call me Mandy?” He whispers into your ear, licking along the edge of your ear lobe before sucking it into his lips seductively. The feeling makes you shudder, eyelids fluttering shut before you register his words and pull back with narrowing eyes.

“Are you serious?” You can never tell sometimes with him.

“No, I’m Mandy. I just said.” Staring at him, you groan and pull out of his arms, shoving your underwear down your legs and stepping out of them before heading over to the bed. Sitting on the edge you point at him as he tugs off his own jeans and underwear, thick cock bouncing in the air once released.

You eye it for a moment with desire, thighs clenching at the sight of him ready and let out a soft sigh of excitement. He’s an oddjob, but Jimin has yet to fail you in the bedroom. Even if he did have the most ridiculous tastes in kinks and fetishes. And he had the most unbelievably hot body, toned and muscular in all the right places.

“I’m not calling you Mandy. Sweet Delilah, can we just fuck?” The words are sighed from you and you watch exasperatedly as his eyes light up at your words. Walking over to you with that seductive swagger, he stands in front of you and places his hands on his hips, cock waving proudly in the air while a drop of pearlescent pre-cum beads at the tip.

“Oh yeah, call me Delilah baby.” Groaning loudly, you shuffle backwards onto the bed and move onto your knees, reaching between your thighs and rubbing at your aching clit with experienced fingers. He watches for a moment, his eyes focused firmly at the centre of your body as you dip your fingers into your entrance, coating them in your slickness before toying with the excited bundle of nerves.

“I’m not calling you any names.” You glare, moving forward to grab the bottle of lube out of the cupboard. Reaching over, you grab his dick and ever so gently coax him forward before coating him in the clear lubricant.

Leaning forward, you lick along the hard ridge of the underside of his cock, the shaft jerking under your touch and he grunts quietly. Sucking the tip of him into your mouth, you take as much of him as you can in one go before slowly pulling back, hollowing out your cheeks to give him a crazy amount of pressure.

His hand grips at your hair tightly and you can tell he’s into it by the way his hips rock in tiny movements, his desire to go harder warring with his need to not hurt you. Moving off him, you gasp lightly for breath as you admire the string of saliva that drips off the end of his penis, smirking slightly before licking the sensitive skin of his frenulum.

“How about you just fuck me tonight? No weirdness.” You whisper, moving away and getting onto your hands and knees. Lifting the hand you’d lubed him up with, you rub at your needy clit in slow circles, coating yourself in more wetness while exciting him in turn.

His eyes are dark, the deep brown of his irises almost swallowed whole by the blackness of his pupils. A wet, pink tongue flicks out to lick at his plush lips and his decision is made, climbing onto the bed and positioning himself behind you.

“God, you have the tightest fucking ass. You know that? It’s like...like a fucking peach. Like I’m just...fucking a fruit. Not that I’ve ever done that. And if Taehyung ever tells you that I fucked a watermelon, he’s lying. It was a cantaloupe. And it kind of hurt.” He goes off on some weird tangent, somehow still hard despite the way his mind is thinking about distinctly unsexy things.

You’re about to complain at him before he slaps your ass hard, the distinct crack of flesh upon flesh heard before you feel the sting of the pain. Hissing, you bite your lip as a moan leaves you at the sensation and he chuckles.

“Good thing you don’t bruise like a peach though. I don’t like you bruised.” He mutters, stroking at the smarting skin gently. You feel his cock stroke up through your slippery folds, the tip of him rubbing against your clit in a pleasing manner before he’s moving himself upwards, letting the length of his cock rest between your ass cheeks as he thrusts slowly.

“I know you said no weird stuff, but what about if you finger my ass?” Jimin asks suddenly, sliding himself into you in one quick and hard thrust. The breath leaves you instantly as he does so and you choke on a moan, fists clenching the sheets beneath you as he begins to move in short and sharp thrusts.

“I can’t...reach your ass...idiot.” You whisper, each breath ending on a whimpering moan. He lets out a sigh that has absolutely nothing to do with the pleasure he’s feeling and you almost want to reach back and pinch him.

“Damn, it’s not fun when I do it. What about if you let me finger your ass?” He runs his finger along your ass crack as he says this, stroking the area where he’s sliding in and out to coat his finger in slickness before moving it back up to play with the puckered rim of muscle above it.

Rolling your eyes, you nod your head as let yourself fall to your elbows. Jimin lets out a whoop of joy, grabbing the bottle of lube from where you’d dropped it and coating two fingers liberally before letting some dribble down onto your ass.

“Oh baby cakes, we’re going to have some fun. Or I am. Hopefully you will too. If it hurts, tell me.” He says sternly and you know that he’ll stop if you ask. Jimin always does.

His thrusts slow as he wiggles a finger into you, coaxing your tight muscles to relax before he slips inside to the first knuckle. He makes sure to lean round, playing with your clit with his other hand as his hips move in shallow movements, ensuring you get as much pleasure as possible as he slowly works his finger inside.

Once you’re moaning and pushing your hips back against him, he lets out a chuckle and slowly begins to insert a second, stretching the muscles and causing the slightest burning pain. Your breath leaves you in a hiss from between your teeth and you close your eyes, keeping yourself as relaxed as you possibly can.

“That’s it baby girl. Oh...you’re taking daddy’s fingers so well aren’t you? Look at that tight ass, reminds me of that time I fucked Tae-” You jerk your hips backwards in a forcible movement, clenching as tightly as you can around his cock until he’s choking out a breath.

There’s a lot you’ll accept with him, but talking about another man or woman in bed while he’s balls deep in you is not one of them. “Message acknowledged. Don’t talk about other folk when fucking you. Sorry.” He doesn’t even bother to be funny, his cock twitching inside you while his breathing quickens.

The entire time, he’s been stroking at the engorged centre of pleasure between your thighs and you can feel yourself quivering from the combined stimulation of his fingers on your clit, in your ass and the constant pounding of his cock against your g-spot.

“Oh fuck, Jimin.” You whisper, the sound strained as your entire body jerks from the pleasure. He grins even though you can’t see him and murmurs soft encouragements until it’s all too much and he’s got you on the brink of falling over the precipice of pleasure into the pit of orgasm.

“If you want to cum...you know what to call me.” He whispers into your ear, biting at your shoulder seductively before licking along the sensitive flesh. Your mind is almost whiting out and you want to complain at him, but if you do he’ll just stop.

It takes half a lucid moment to remember what he’d said earlier and you groan in annoyance, the tight ball of pleasure in your stomach demanding the release that is so close. “Fuck me, please let me cum…Mandy.” You practically choke on the words.

“Oh sweet dimple crumpets, yes!” He yells out and the effect is immediate with his hips almost pistoning into you, everything suddenly amplified from the movement and the extra sensations cause you to orgasm almost immediately. The muscles in your body tighten and your inner walls convulse around him tightly, the combination of you engaging in his weird kink and your orgasm causing him to judder as he empties himself into you.

By the time you both finish, you lay on the bed tiredly and feel him cuddle up behind you. Muttering out a complaint, you push his hand away and point at the bathroom lazily, causing him to chuckle.

He gets up and walks away, turning round suddenly to blow a kiss to you with his non-lubed up hand. “I love you my sweet, beautiful girlfriend. My pumpkin pie. The love of my life.”

You don’t even bother to respond as he carries on, eyes closing as you doze off slowly.

-

It’s a week later when the highlight of Jimin’s entire life happens. You wish that you could say that it would be the day that you get married, but honestly it would probably still be today. Because today is the day that Jimin met his fantasy person.

You’d both been out in the city, going on a very casual date together when a sudden group of super villains had run riot in the main park. Why they’d chosen that park, and why that day, you had no idea.

But Jimin had made you hide out in a store nearby while he’d run off to go change into his suit. You’d pointed out many times that it was impractical to keep on underneath his clothes, to which he’d whined intensely about it being harder to get into a superhero suit that it was for a rich, white person to get sent to prison.

Either way, he’d gone running past five minutes later in his full outfit, the swords on his back and you’d had a moment to wonder where the fuck he’d kept them. His prison wallet?

It was only when the sound of explosions began ten minutes later that you’d run out of the cafe to the park, the unreasonable panic you’d had at the prospect of your boyfriend being hurt spurring you on.

The logical part of your mind had been telling you that it was fine. Your boyfriend literally had regenerative powers, and he’d discovered that it was nigh on impossible for him to die. But love and all that.

What you’d found however, was Jimin spinning and dancing around in a flurry of astonishingly beautiful kicks and leaps. He’d looked almost elegant, and you’d noted with surprise that he wasn’t actually killing anyone. Instead, he was using the butt of his swords to knock out the bad guys.

A particularly beautiful movement was when he’d ran straight up a tree, leaping off halfway up and twisting his body round as he flew over the head of his assailant. He’d slammed his sword down on the guys head firmly before landing on one foot. In a show of almost sensual flexibility, Jimin had leaned his weight so that he spun on his foot as soon as he landed, producing a hard kick that sent the guy flying ten feet before he lay there, unmoving.

It was only at this point that you realised the fight was over and you’d watched with eyes like plates as a few of the famous Avengers had all come to a stop close to Jimin. The metal suit of Iron Man whirred and clanked as he walked towards Jimin, but it was the red and blue blur that had you feeling giddy on behalf of your boyfriend.

Spider-Man dropped down from the trees, spinning fluidly as he webbed the guy who was down on the ground. Turning around, he let out a yelp as Jimin was suddenly in front of him, reaching forward tentatively.

“Oh my god. Oh my Betty White. Oh sweet Sandra Bullock. It’s you! It’s really you! Can I touch you? Not inappropriately, unless you want that. I’m down for that. My girlfriend knows. You’re my one cheat. You know, that one person you’re allowed to cheat with? You’re mine. She’ll be fine with it.” He mumbles out, his words almost gibberish in his excitement.

The superhero stares at him and even through the mask you can tell that he’s confused. A slow nod is all he does and immediately Jimin is on his knees, hugging the red and blue superheros legs as tightly as he can.

“Ji-What are you doing?” You call out to your boyfriend, watching as everyone suddenly looks up at you. Shrinking slightly, you wince at the intense stares of so many powerful people before moving towards Jimin slowly and carefully, stroking along his arm to let him know you were there.

“You know this guy?” Iron Man asks, his visor opening up and revealing the infamous face of the billionaire tech genius Kim Namjoon. He was beautiful, and beautifully loaded. Maybe you’d change your one cheat to be this guy. Jimin would appreciate the extra money for sure.

Stuttering, your hand moves to Jimin’s head and the feel of his mask confuses you for a moment. Biting your lip, you cough quietly before giving a slow smile to them all. Jimin would kill you if you blew this for him.

“I do. He’s my boyfriend.” At that, you note Hawkeye’s brows raise up in surprise, causing you to scowl. “Don’t look like that Robin Hood. He’s a good guy okay? Odd, but good.” You say defensively, causing him to hold his hands up.

“Oh well...thanks. I guess. We had it under control but...we appreciate your...help.” Doctor Strange states, walking up behind everyone while his red robe flutters dramatically in the non-existent breeze. You watch with fascination as he draws a few symbols that glow orange and crackle in the air before the ground beneath the bad guy nearby opens up, his body vanishing through.

Wow...maybe you might change your one cheat to this guy. He was Hot. With a capital H. Perfectly styled black hair that pushed up off a smooth forehead, a pixie-esque nose and a jawline to rival Jimin’s. Jimin always joked about this guy but...he was hot.

“Can I get between your thighs and you squeeze real hard? It’s always been a fantasy of mine.” Jimin says, his voice almost dreamy as he strokes along Spider-Man’s thigh. You’d be worried that the superhero feels uncomfortable, but he surprisingly doesn’t move away or discourage your boyfriend.

Still, you lean forward and give a slight embarrassed smile. “I’m sorry...if he’s being awkward. If you feel uncomfortable, feel free to push him away. He’ll listen, I swear.” You say.

The superhero shakes his head and gestures to him with a laugh. “No, it’s fine. Amusing actually. It’s a great story that I can tell others I guess. How many other people get Deadpool on his knees?” He teases and you laugh back, rolling your eyes.

“You’d be surprised. Or if you actually knew him, you wouldn’t be surprised at all.” The both of you ignore Jimin’s childlike gasp of wonder as he whispers about the fact Spider-Man knows his name.

Iron Man steps forward and gestures for Spider-Man to step back, which he does slowly and almost reluctantly. You’re half wondering if there’s a real chance that you could lose your boyfriend here, but Jimin surprisingly stands up and moves back, taking hold of your hand without any prompting.

“So...does this mean I can join the Avengers?” Jimin asks bluntly. “I mean...I’m kinda awesome and will probably outlive you all. Except Captain America. And Thor. And a few others. But still. I helped out right?”

Iron Man lets out an awkward chuckle, his lips curving up and revealing a beautiful set of deep dimples. Running his fingers through his hair, he sighs deeply. “I’m sorry, but we can’t let you do that. Despite the fact you’ve sent us like...three hundred postcards asking to be let in. You should stop that by the way, it’s just costing you money.”

Jimin stares in shock at the blunt statement and you run a hand along his biceps to try and calm him down. He barely even notices though and you can tell he’s pouting underneath the mask. "Whaddya mean I can't join the Avengers? Why not?! Is it ‘cos I’m not in the MCU too?" Namjoon looks confused before giving a placating smile and you wince slightly, fully aware that it’s probably just annoying Jimin even more. You don’t know why he’s bothering, the both of you know that there’s no way in hell he’d be allowed to join the Avengers. "Okay like...you're good...impressive. Very impressive The while not dying thing even if you’re cut into pieces? I will concede that is kind of cool and useful. But you kill people. Not cool." Jimin stares blankly at the superhero, before a brow raises slowly. "I'ma just point out your flaw here, RoboCop. How many people do you guys kill on the regular?" "None, that's the point." Hawkeye scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. Your eyes note his incredibly built biceps for a moment and you take in his blonde hair, noting that he’s an extraordinarily beautiful man. Like wow. There’s no way Jimin hasn’t noticed that. But Jimin doesn’t react how you’d expect and instead simply glares at him before pointing. "Firstly, if you're gonna claim non-harmful methods than fucking Katniss Everdeen over here needs a new weapon and to chill with the murder sticks he fires. Secondly...how many buildings have you destroyed in your fights? Or cars? Or bridges? Or literally anything else. You literally have a freaking spy assassin, assassin!” He points over at Black Widow who makes an understanding face and shrugs.

Accepting the acknowledgement, Jimin turns back to the others and shifts his weight onto one leg, his hip sticking out while he rests a hand on it. “I fight mano a mano and I ONLY kill bad guys. No civilians. You guys...are murderers. Mur. Der. Ers." He turns to Spider-Man and takes his hand gently, stroking along the suited man’s hand while whispering. "Not you Spider-Man baby, you're an angel and you've never done anything wrong in your life, my sweet cupcake."

Spider-Man stares at him before slowing nodding, not even bothering to move Jimin’s hand. Which you find mildly amusing. Honestly, if Jimin managed to convince the guy for a threesome then you wouldn’t say no.

“Wait...that’s not...no we don’t. We aren’t.” Namjoon says, his plush lips pouting and you note the endearing dimples appearing. Sighing, he lifts a hand to rub at his eyes and you note the way his suit seems to melt away, leaving only tanned skin behind.

“Just...no. Thank you...for your help. Truly. But...no.” Jimin’s about to complain more but suddenly, the suited man’s visor flips down and the boosters on his hands and feet activate, jettisoning him up into the air.

The rest of the Avengers all follow suit in various ways, leaving Jimin clinging onto Spider-Man’s hand. “Spidey...baby...please don’t leave me. I’ll treat you good. I’ll treat you real good!” He screams as the hero awkwardly waves bye and webs away.

Your boyfriend stands for a moment, hands on both hips as he watches before he’s stamping his feet like a child. “Whatever assholes! Half of you die in the movie anyway.” He grumbles, kicking at the floor petulantly.

Sighing, you move over to him and rub at his back soothingly. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay. You can make your own Avengers. Only...with killing allowed I guess. As long as I’m not there.” Tugging his mask off, he gives you an incredulous look.

“Are you fucking kidding? Did you not watch the second movie? Hell no, I’m not making a team. Mommy didn’t raise no idiot. Someone with low sexual morals? Yes. Someone with a dubious sense of right and wrong? Maybe. An idiot? No.” You lean back from him and your own brows raise, causing him to sigh quietly.

“Not all the time. I don’t want another word about that stupid fucking IKEA bookcase. Why do I have to build things myself? I’m a mercenary, not Jesus!” Rolling your eyes, you walk away from him and head out of the park to go to the cafe and wait while he changes back so you can continue on your date.

He follows like expected, carrying on as if you hadn’t just ignored him and walked straight past him. “Get it? Jesus? ‘Cos he was a carpenter? No? I’ll work on it. What about Harrison Ford? He was a carpenter too, you know!”

“Go find your clothes wherever you threw them Jimin.”

“John Carpenter?”

“That’s his name, not his job.”

“Oh really? Damn. Do you think I can change my name to my job too?”

“I don’t think that’s what he did, and what would that be anyway? Mercenary Jimin?”

“Super Awesome Amazing Mercenary With A Handsome Face and Sharp One Liners Jimin.”

“...seriously?”

“You’re right, it’s not everything I do. Damn. I don’t think my passport can hold this much information.”

“That’s not what I...you know what. Nevermind.”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 184: JP Hero Billboard Chart

Previously on BnHA: We spent the whole chapter enjoying the cultural festival. Class B entertained with a fantasy play that drew inspiration from no fewer than four separate intellectual properties, proving that it’s not just Monoma who likes to copy stuff. Hounddog handed out some of the most terrifying discipline we’ve seen since Orca’s EXTRA GUIDANCE. Eri regaled Deku with her enthusiastic recap of the concert in vivid detail including sound effects and both Deku and Mirio were thrilled to see her so happy. Those jerk upperclassmen from before apologized for their bad attitude. Everyone was grateful to class 1-A for lifting the school’s spirits. Hadou won the Miss Con competition at long last. Bakugou conquered the warped wall. Shinsou traumatized several class A students for life. Mei successfully wowed people with the support team expo and then promptly passed out afterward. Deku presented Eri with a handmade candy apple and bid her farewell. And lastly, over at the police station, the cops processed Gentle and La Brava and seemed to be taking steps to rehabilitate them. All in all it was the most wholesome chapter ever and I’m almost sorry to see this arc end, but the plot must go on.

Today on BnHA: Aizawa brings Eri back to U.A. and is all “oh yeah by the way, she lives here now.” We learn that Tokoyami interned with a hero named Hawks and YOU ALL KNOW WHO THAT IS. The Pussycats visit the 1-A dorms and announce that they’re coming off their hiatus and that Ragdoll will be supporting them as an OL which is some bullshit but at least she’s okay. Pixie-Bob explains that shockingly, All for One was not inclined to just give her quirk back just like that! We learn that the JP Hero Billboard Chart, the organization that ranks active heroes, will be presenting the new official rankings -- the first without All Might -- shortly. Right now, in fact! We then travel to Kamino for the live presentation. The top 10 heroes are introduced, the highlights of which are Ryuukyuu at #10, Kamui Woods at #7, my new bunny fave Miruko at #5, Edgeshot at #4, Best Finest Elite Superlative Jeanist at #3, and THAT MAN, Hawks, at #2. Oh and Endeavor at #1. With a new suit. I WONDER WHO THIS ARC IS GOING TO BE ABOUT.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 207 now, so any ETAs will reflect that. Just to clarify real quick, my stopping right smack dab in the middle of my boy’s big fight isn’t by choice, lol. I’ve been sick for the past few days, but I’m finally starting to feel a bit better, so hopefully I’ll have the energy to resume soon.)

GASSPPPPPPPP

IT’S THE THING. THE THING WITH THE RANKS. THE HERO RANKINGS!!

omg. are we going to get to see how they do it finally? AND ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO MEET FORMER NUMBER THREE AND CURRENT NUMBER TWO HERO IDOL HAWKS?? THE MYSTERIOUS HAWKS WHO HAS WINGS, AND I ASSUME HE HAS THE POWER OF HAWKS. MAYBE. EXCEPT THAT’S KIND OF A LAME POWER TO SOMEHOW GET HIM ALL THE WAY TO NUMBER TWO ABOVE PEOPLE LIKE EDGESHOT AND FUCKING BEAST JEANIST. HAWKS WHAT ARE YOUR SECRETS

maybe I should READ THE CHAPTER and find out. hmmm

anyway so November is ending! that means we’re entering December! which also means I think Bakugou is going to get a new costume soon! and also he and Todoroki have only one month left before they get to retake their exam oh gosh. so much excitement so little time

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ERI GOT ADOPTED BY EVERYONE!?!??!??!

AIZAWA IS OFFICIALLY HER DAD. OH MY GOD. I’M GOING TO CRY. LOOK AT HIS NONCHALANT FACE. “hey Deku meet my new kid”

(ETA: and he says “U.A.” but we all know it’s really just him. I don’t see anyone else from the school stepping up. Aizawa it’s okay you can admit that you’re completely incapable of turning your back on a child in need and so you stepped in and took responsibility for her and only afterward actually went and asked Rat Principal if it was okay and thankfully he said yes because he’s also a pretty cool guy. just like you. my god I love you)

ERI’S SO HAPPYYYYY

LOOK AT ALL OF HER NEW BIG BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!!

THE FULL STORY IS YOU ALL ADOPTED A KID, DEKU!!!

Nejire put her hair in pigtails omggggg

and Tsuyu, she is your sister now. GET USED TO IT

so now Aizawa and Mirio are leaving her with Tamaki and Nejire and calling the 1-As outside to talk

so they found out that Eri was abandoned by her parents, and that her grandpa is the comatose Precepts boss

and Mirio says that her horn, which you recall had shrunk quite a bit after the Overhaul battle, started to grow again recently. although it’s still pretty small

so they figured U.A. would be the safest environment for her, rather than a foster home

GOOD. I’M GLAD YOU ALL FIGURED THAT OUT

AHHHHHH

(ETA: btw Mangastream’s translation says “teachers’ dormitory” rather than lounge, which makes a great deal more sense)

HE REALLY DID ADOPT HER IT’S OFFICIALLLLLLLLLL

oh my god. he cares so much. obviously it’s not something he had to do, but he obviously grew fond of her and knew it was going to be the best option for her

so now you have a six-year-old daughter, Aizawa. good thing your twenty other kids can help babysit

and also this guy!

so Mirio is now a full-time live-in nanny. I approve

omgggg

yesssssss

but that’s not to say that this the only reason he’s doing this. that will be the happiest ending but he still loves her regardless

“it’s been a while since we did anything gay, Mirio. how bout it”

yes. pretty neat

now Aizawa is asking if the third years can take Eri for a little bit. I guess he has to go and take care of some teacher things. he’s such a busy guy

Mirio says they’re happy to, and he’s saying they should all play Othello

apparently this is not referring to the Shakespeare play but it’s another name for the board game Reversi. that was really confusing for a sec lol. I’ve never heard of this game before

Deku’s asking if they can join in, but Aizawa’s telling them to go back to the dorms

ah??

OH? DO TELL

and now we’re cutting to the dorms and Tokoyami is suddenly sneezing quite forcefully

LOOK AT THESE CUTIESSSSS

why is Kiri wearing a button down shirt. are you going on a date. none of your usual suitors seem particularly dressed up

(ETA: and what is going on with Kami and Momo there oh my. you two sure look mighty cozy)

Kaminari is teasing Tokoyami about the old superstition that if you sneeze it means someone’s talking about you somewhere

AHHHHHH WHAAAAAAAT

THE FUCK!?

fuck me, what? Tokofuckingyami interned with the former number three himself and no one fucking said a thing?!

and was this his actual internship or his work study? I wonder how many other kids had actual internships that we didn’t hear a damn thing about

also why does Ochako look about 8 years old in that panel. holy shit her eyes are big

anyway, Toko is flatly saying he doubts he has any fans yet and that it’s too early

and now the door is cracking open and Iida is announcing that their guests are here!

EYYYYYYYYYYYY

IT’S BEEN A WHILE YOU ASSHOLES

Ragdoll! ❤❤❤ glad to see they didn’t dump you and that you’re keeping your spirits up even after everything that happened

DID THEY BRING KOUTA. THEY SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT KOUTA. he’s probably in school now though. damn

-- NO HE’S HERE!!!

BE CAREFUL WHEN GREETING HIM YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS!

I love that everyone’s so happy to see them and Mina and Hagakure are even running over for hugs. that’s so heartwarming to see, especially given how the camp ended and the scared and sad terms they must have parted on last time

speaking of those events!

it’s nice that he apologized. even though it wasn’t their fault (mostly). but I’m sure Bakugou doesn’t particularly like to be reminded of it and would rather just pretend like nothing happened. so I hope they take their cue from him and try not to make him uncomfortable

something like 90% of AO3 is convinced Bakugou has Secret PTSD from this incident, and while I tend to stick to Confirmed Canon Only and thus am more on the side of he probably doesn’t, I’m sure that it’s not something he likes to think about all the same and the subject probably does put him on edge

(ETA: and! come to think of it, the one thing we do know he came away with for sure is a lot of guilt! so it’s more than possible that he actually blames himself for being the cause of the attack and for indirectly being the reason why Ragdoll lost her quirk. so to have them come up and apologize to him when from his perspective he’s the one who caused all the trouble to begin with... now that is something I can see really bothering him, actually. oh Bakugou)

Jirou, who as you recall was also injured during the attack, says that they’re all doing well

and meanwhile Tora brought bread for all of them and Mina’s waving it around excitedly and Ochako looks over the moon. she always loves sweets

YESSSSSSSSSS

MY TINY ANGRY SON

LMAOOOOO

DEAR MIDORIYA I’M REALLY SORRY

lmaooooooo

look how much better he’s gotten now, though! he’s graduated from groin punching to handshaking! he’s actually super thrilled to see Deku again and you can tell and he’s trying so hard not to show it and I fucking love it omggg

OH MY GODDDD

HE MATCHED DEKU’S SHOES HOLY SHIT. HOW DOES THIS SERIES KEEP OUTCUTEING ITSELF!?

oh my god. Deku really is his hero. I can’t. why do I suddenly want to cry omggg

anyway! so now Satou’s asking why they’ve come to visit U.A.

and Pixie says they came “to celebrate her reinstatement”

???! Ragdoll???

:(!!!!!!

OH COME ON WHAT THE HELL

okay but like. her quirk was all mental anyway. physically she’s still just as strong as she ever was. I don’t see why she couldn’t be out there fighting crime even without the pokedex quirk. sure, it leaves her a bit more vulnerable not being able to track people or knowing their moves and stats ahead of time, but there’s still a lot she could do goddammit

and now Pixie says they got a report from Tartarus omg!

(ETA: okay so I posted Mangastream’s translation here as it makes much more sense than Jaimini’s version. so you can ignore all the confused commentary below. this makes it clear he’s just taunting them and saying “why sure, I’d love to give back all the quirks I stole, but I can’t do that while you’ve got me all tied up :’) too bad.”)

oh my god sudden All for One holy shit. I don’t think we’ve seen him since like chapter 116?? oh snap

so I’m not quite sure what he’s saying here. is he saying he physically can’t return the quirk, or that it’s use it or lose it type of deal? or is he just saying he doesn’t feel like returning it, sorry, too bad so sad?

I’m going to assume it’s that last one, seeing as he’s a dick

but like, there was never really any chance of that happening anyway. we all know the only way that quirk is coming back is if Deku does in fact turn out to be his kid and he takes the quirk himself and gives it back to her

AHHHHHHH

OKAY BUT. THE SHOT OF KACCHAN’S FACE THOUGH! Kacchan being part of the inner circle yesssssss. holy shit. I’ve been waiting so long for this?? thank you, manga, for this friendly reminder that he is the only other one who knows the full story of All for One and his connection to Deku. I love how serious and somewhat apprehensive they both suddenly look just at the mention of him

anyway, so Mandalay is saying it’s going to be broadcast soon, but that on the most recent JP Hero Billboard Chart they were ranked 411th

holy shit what?! weren’t they in the top 50 before?! that’s an insane slide. I know they lost a member and also had a kid get kidnapped on their watch, but still

AHHHH DETAILS ABOUT THE JP HERO BILLBOARD CHART YESSSSSSS

lol actually this is all stuff that we already knew

BUT LOOK AT THAT SILHOUETTE IN THE NUMBER THREE POSITION THOUGH! fucking Rawk Hawk is about to be revealed at long last omgggg

okay yeah, Deku says the Pussycats were previously ranked at #32

so Kiri says oh, that’s why they’re starting things up again, so they can fight their way back to the top after such a steep drop

oh my god

“NO YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND, WE FUCKED UP REALLY BAD”

they’re saying that the fact that they didn’t drop even lower means that there are still fans rooting for them, and so they have to work hard

lol Kiri’s sobbing into his arm at how manly they are

and now the kids are all “oh yeah come to think of it, the second semester rankings haven’t been presented yet” and that it’s probably because of all the crazy shit that’s happened recently

are they usually presented before now? I just figured it was a twice a year June-and-December type thing

“exciting” isn’t quite the word I’d use, but okay. sounds more depressing than anything :(

ahhhh now we’re cutting to the presentation!

they’re broadcasting from Kamino of all places

so there are a ton of people and a bunch of stretch limos and such, and it seems to be like an Oscar-level event

oh, but apparently it’s not normally like this

RYUUKYUUUUUUUU

HEY WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT FUCKING GIVES. THERE HAD BETTER BE AT LEAST ONE MORE BADASS LADY IN THE TOP TEN THEN OR I’M GOING TO BE REALLY FUCKING PISSED THAT THE TOP TEN RANKINGS GO “GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY, AND I GUESS WE’LL THROW IN A GIRL HERE AT THE END NOW BECAUSE WE’RE SO GENEROUS”

ffff

number 9 is some old samurai asshole

go fuck yourself Yoroimusha. what makes you so special that you’re ranked above my dragon queen

number 8...

...okay he can stay

oh shit Kamui fucking Woods made it all the way to number 7!

fffffff they showed Mt. Lady and for a moment I thought it meant she was at no. 6! but noooooo she’s all the way at #23. despite having participated in the same missions as Kamui. do you know what, the JP Hero Billboard Chart can go fuck themselves

who the hell

“Crust” lmao. toast hero. sandwich hero

OH GOOD

so now women make up a full 20% of the top ten rankings rather than a measly 10%. we really smashed that glass ceiling, y’all. gender equality has been achieved. you’re welcome

(ETA: I feel like this needs more :/ faces to get my full feelings across. :/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/ okay that’s better)

anyway if she’s in the top 5 she must be pretty cool and I hope we get to see what her power is someday

(ETA: seems to be your basic run-of-the-mill animal-themed super strength, but damned if Dabi did not want to fuck with her though. you go Miruko)

Edgeshot is at number 4, which is expected since he was previously in the number 5 spot before All Might’s retirement. good boy Edgeshot

except for Mt. Lady apparently

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

BEAST JEANIST

GET WELL SOON YOU SEXY PUNK

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IT’S HIM!!!!!

RAWK HAWK

HOLY SHIT HE’S SO FINE. LOOKS JUST LIKE I REMEMBER FROM ALL THE FANART. HAWKS YOU SEXY BITCH

“HOW EXCESSIVE”

IT’S LIKE AIZAWA’S FACE AND ATTITUDE WITH ALL MIGHT’S HAIR, OH SHIT WHAT A LEGEND

BUT DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST AUTOMATICALLY WIN MY APPROVAL OVER JUST LIKE THAT! YOU STILL NEED TO PROVE TO ME WHY YOU DESERVE TO BE RANKED ABOVE MY BOY BEST FORKING GODDAMN ONE AND ONLY JEANIST

and of course, number one is Endeavor

lol what he gets the whole last page to himself. why. just because he got a new costume?? I honestly didn’t even notice the difference lol

but okay fine let’s take a look

well, he’s definitely trying! did he make himself a fire antennae thing. and does he have a cape now I can’t tell

god there’s so much fire. just turn it off when you’re not in action and be fucking normal you asshole

and so that’s it. I guess

what I took away from this chapter is that the people of Japan voted in a washing machine over a fucking dragon. given the choice, they would rather have him on the scene, tossing in red shirts with the villains’ white loads to turn all of their clothes pink. I mean, sure then. whatever

BONUS: Miruko’s profile!

OH SO YOU LIKE CARROTS HUH. I don’t know what I was expecting lol

so her last name means “rabbit mountain.” I guess the mountain part is just cuz she’s strong as hell? idk

and I wonder if her first name has any meaning since it’s just written in katakana. I know the notes say something about it being a reference to a professional fighter, but I have a feeling that’s talking about her hero name rather than her given name

I fucking love her. I wish to god there were more than two fucking female heroes in the top ten, but at least the two we have are pretty badass

[cjxkpopxwriting]

Happy birthday, Jeon Jungkook

Author’s note: I had intended for this to be a... sinday Drabble which meant all sexy and no plot. But I’m feeling fluffy today and Jungkook needed some love. So. Enjoy a bit of a softer one shot for our dear Kookie on his birthday. 💜

-

The excited chatter from the group chat was all he could hear. Hoseok was louder than usual, his voice reverberating off of the walls around Jungkook as he easily overshouted everyone else. With everyone off on vacation, this was the first birthday Jungkook had experienced in the last seven years without them. “Jungkook-Ah!” Jimin shouted, pulling his doe eyes back down to the screen. “Why do you look so sad? You didn’t like my gift?” Jungkook quickly shook his head, sitting up on the sofa as he rubbed his eyes.

“No, I loved it. I love all of them. You guys didn’t have to buy me all this stuff.” Namjoon waved at the screen and scoffed. “You say that every year, Kook. We like to do it. Makes us feel like we did something.” Jungkook eyed the portion of the screen where Namjoon sat and laughed, his bunny teeth finally showing and the guys chanted with joy. “So... did you hear from her yet?” Tae asked, and suddenly the smile was gone.

No.

He hadn’t heard from you all day. And here it was sunset and you hadn’t shown hide nor hair to him. Not even a message. Or a call. “No, I haven’t. I’m starting to worry about it. Last year she chased me all over the planet to find me on my birthday.” He rubbed his neck, and shrugged. “It’s late... I’m gonna grab a shower and probably eat before bed.” Yoongi hummed softly, leaning in to observe Jungkook closer on the screen. The younger leaned back like Yoongi had actually been here.

“Don’t give up yet. The night is still young.”

The words from his Hyung brought a small smile on his face, and he laughed. “Thank you.” He waved and everyone said goodbye and goodnight before he clicked the red phone icon, effectively ending the face time. He glanced around the empty house, and sighed. First, he gathered up every present, which took multiple trips, and carried them to his room.

From Taehyung, a new camara. With a fancy lens for all of those special shots he was always trying to get. From Yoongi a new piece of tech for recording and editing. From Namjoon, new beats. From Jimin, brightly colored yellow comfort items, everything from blankets to candles and lotions and pajamas. Nothing had been missed. Hoseok had sent him a rather large care package with almost every food item under the sun he could think of wanting in a single day. The chocolate had been the first thing to go. And Jin... sweet Jin. He had purchased a shiny new watch from Fossil for Jungkook. It was too beautiful. And the note attached told him not to forget to make every second count.

But one thing he wanted all day was missing.

You.

Sighing whistfully as he finished putting his gifts away, he admired the things his family had gotten him too. His parents and brother had all gone in together to get him some new gym equipment for his room. It would definitely help him stay sharp. He had all but resigned to really give up after his shower, wandering the house quietly as he made sure doors were locked and lights were off.

The light knock on the door made him pause.

It was nearly 8:00. Who could it possibly be?

He hesitates, looking himself over. Sweats slung low on his hips, and shirtless, he wasn’t exactly presentable. Pushing his long hair from his eyes, he lightly padded to the door to look out the peep hole. His eyes widened at the sight of a massive box of candy over the peep hole, and he threw the door open, curious. “If this is some kind of prank...”

When you peered out from behind the box, his worried gaze fell into something akin to surprise and then sadness. “What, Kookie? You thought I forgot?!” He shook his head, lips pursed, trying to play it off even though you’d caught him. “I was worried maybe I didn’t have a girlfriend anymore, actually... the silent treatment? Really? On my birthday?” You gasped and pushed him back into the house, closing and locking the door before you shook your head.

“Jeon Jungkook, I’ve never ever forgotten our special days. Especially not the day that the love of my life came into this world!” Jungkook blushed at your words, his eyes slowly lifting to find your face. “Love of your life? Really?” You sat the box of chocolate down and nodded. “Absolutely. The one. The only. Jeon. Jungkook.” You backed him into the wall, fingers sliding up his abs to rest on his chest, before pressing a light kiss to his lips.

“Ok. Fine. I thought you forgot.”

You shook your head. “No! I actually planned something. Should be here any minute.” As if on cue the doorbell rang and you practically skipped all the way to the door to open it. “Thank you!” You added as you handed over the cash due and a tip and then closed it. “You were about to eat Ramen, I’m sure. But this will be better.” Jungkook hummed at the sight of the boxes of pork belly, thick noodles and sauce, kimchi, and perhaps even a sweet dessert? “And that box... why didn’t you open it?” Jungkook shrugged again.

“Worried maybe it was weird fan mail...”

You couldn’t help but giggle. “Well I am a fan, but it’s from me! Open it after dinner.” He eyed the box and then followed you to the table. You served him, and he caught you before you made your own plate. “Thank you, baby. For being here. It’s weird being all by myself...” You laughed, and leaned in to kiss his lips, lingering for a moment too long. His fingers slid up your side and along your jaw. His lips were tender as they sampled yours longer, pulling your lips with his own gently.

“You need to eat...” you reminded, and he chuckled, looking in your eyes. “I know. But I want to enjoy you too. You look so beautiful. I’ve missed you all day.” You hum and kiss him again lightly before filling your own plate and sitting beside him. The two of you filled the space by talking between bites, him often making you giggle by adding his chopsticks alongside his canines like long fangs, where he barked at you like a walrus. “You’re a mess, Jungkook. But I love you.”

His eyes were soft but blank as he looked up at you, admiring you for a moment. “I love you too, jagiya.” Your heart fluttered as you held his gaze, before reaching to stroke from his cheekbones down to his jaw, before your fingers lightly tapped along his collarbones. “Now.. get that box and open it.” Jungkook laughed and went to grab it, wrestling it in his lap as his deft fingers tore at the mailing tape. When it finally open, he dug through the packing paper and gasped.

Within the box was a soft yellow set of lace lingerie, and he carefully lifted the bra by the straps, eyeing it with his lips parted in surprise. “You... I... is this for you to wear for me?” You nodded shyly, face slightly pink, and reached out to take the delicate material from him. “This is beautiful... I can’t wait to see it on you.” Nodding again, you picked up both pieces, popped a mochi into your mouth, and stood up.

“Have some dessert, and I’ll be right back.” He watched you leave and quickly stuffed two mochi into his face before he got up to clean quickly, storing the leftovers before he ran to his room to clean up. You found him hanging a few things he’d tried on but didn’t wear, clearing his bed, and when he turned to look at you he sank into the bed with a squeak of a noise. You looked incredible.

“Do you like it?”

He licked his lips as they pursed, his next word barely a breath as he nodded. “Jagiya... you... look amazing. Come here.” You complied with a grin and immediately climbed into his lap. His hands slid over the bare curve of your backside before he tugged you against him and kissed your hungrily. Your breath left you as he kneaded your flesh with his strong fingers, dragging you right over the swell of need on the other side of his sweats.

“I know what makes this the best birthday ever... having you here. You make everything better, baby.” You kissed along his jaw as you eased him back, making him lay out under you. He worked his body back up the bed the rest of the way, and you crawled with him. Finally seated in his lap, you softly hummed Pied Piper and rolled your hips. “I’m taking over you...” you mumbled and he laughed, eyes curving with his grin. “You’re using my own lyrics against me now? Damn, ok. Playing dirty is allowed, I guess...”

When he rolled and you were suddenly on your back, you pouted up at him as he slid between your thighs like he owned the place. “It’s my birthday. I’m pretty sure I should be the only one deciding how this goes down baby. And I think I wanna be on top.” You sighed, stroking your own hair, and he laughed. “But I may let you ride for round two...” he added, his eyes softly finding yours.

“How about... after tonight... you and I plan a trip together? I still have a while for vacation and everyone else is abroad. Gives us some romantic time together... and I can spoil you...” he began kissing down your chest and you whispered a curse word when his lips found a lace covered nipple, teasing lightly. “Love you night after night until were both crazy and sore.” You giggled when he tugged at the tack of the bra with his teeth and let it pop back against your skin.

“Don’t you even think about tearing this off of me, Jungkook. It’s expensive and I will smack you.” He groaned, and rolled his hips into yours. “But I wanted to go all wild man and pound you into my mattress.” Shoving him again at his vulgar words, you giggle when he buries his head in your neck. “I love you so much baby.” He added, lips gently working up to your jaw and then your chin to peck yours. “You’re not going anywhere tomorrow right?” You shook your head and he grinned impishly at you. “Good... because I’m gonna keep you busy all night. Say happy birthday Jungkook...” he sang, leaving you gasping when he tore the panties right off of you and buried his face between your thighs. Finding your breath as you gripped his hair, you tugged hard, head falling back.

“Happy... birthday... Jeon... Jungkook.”

[talesmaniac89]

Tea Party Playtime

Summary: Dad!Crowley & Daughter!Reader - Crowley leaves his book to take a trip into his five-year-old’s imagination as he joins her tea party.

Word Count: 2072

Triggers: None, just father/daughter fluff

Y/N = Your name ¦ Y/E/C = Your eye colour ¦ Y/H/C = Your hair colour

Note: Another one shot with the father/daughter duo from Fatherhood  and Disney Movie Madness all three stories can be read separately from each other or together. Just fluff, no strict story-line here guys! I have a few more of these dad/daughter one shots planned as well so do let me know if you have any moments you want to see dad Crowley in with his five-year-old!

---

Crowley’s personal corner of hell hadn’t really been quiet during the last five years. Not since his favourite hellhound, Juliet, brought a crying bundle of joy into his life like she was attempting to switch jobs and become a stork instead. No, since the arrival of hell’s little princess, the darling girl he’d decided to raise as his own, his private slice of hell had been filled with laughter, Disney movies and toys he believed were only made to drive fathers mad with their constant jarring noises. And he didn’t miss the silence, not one bit.

Sure, as the saying went, silence was golden. But that was never true when there was a five-year-old in the mix. No, then silence was only suspicious. Just like it was when Crowley looked up from his book to see that his little chipmunk was no longer watching her cartoons whilst colouring by the living room table.

Frowning at the suspicious lack of noise and giggles he put his book down and got out of the chair, looking around the room for any sign of his little princess or the hellhound that had become her lapdog. Finding none he resigned himself to using his powers a bit, happy that his status as king of hell gave him an upper hand most fathers didn’t have as he tried to sense out his daughter’s presence. His eyes staying on the coloured pencils and hoping against hope that she hadn’t brought any of them with her and was busy creating the next Sistine chapel on some wall covered in ridiculously expensive wallpaper somewhere.

Unfortunately, since the spoiled little devil had a ridiculous amount of colours with silly names like cotton candy pink and periwinkle blue he had no way of knowing for certain. On the other hand, he fortunately sensed her presence in her own bedroom and not in the small private library where he kept some very, very expensive pieces of art.

Still, even in her own room, with the door open and within reach, the silence was nothing if not strange. Usually he’d hear his little girl singing to herself and her toys or having conversations with her teddy bears as she played pretend that they were all noble knights on a mission to save one of her dolls from a dragon or some other monster, usually played willingly by Juliet.

Resigning himself to not finishing the chapter in the book, the ruler of hell stepped away from his chair and the small coffee table to go in search of his wayward little princess. Hoping against hope that the little chipmunk hadn’t completely rearranged her room in the short time between Crowley getting lost in his book and the tiny ninja sneaking away from her cartoons and colouring books.

Five-year-olds were magical that way. He had demons that couldn’t cause the same level of destruction she managed to cause. As the king of hell he was secretly proud, as a father, he was just growing more concerned with every step towards the room as he pictured a floor full of toys and drawings covering every inch of the soft blue bedroom and his little girl 

“(Y/N), you little troublemaker what are you up to now?” He called out as he walked towards the door, already debating in his mind whether he should clean the mess up with a snap of his fingers or use this as a valuable lesson for the little human girl who couldn’t just rely on snapping her fingers to get out of trouble. Most likely it would be the latter, unless she had somehow managed to make the room look like a war zone in the short time he took his eyes off of her.

“Nooothing,” Her little mischievous giggle only made Crowley speed up with a wry smile on his lips. His little troublemaker was up to no good, that was for certain. He readied himself to take on the stern father role as he took the last two steps towards the open door, forcing the small chuckle down and erasing his smile, whilst still keeping his features soft. Yet, as he reached the doorway he couldn’t stop the laugh that rolled effortlessly from his chest with a squeeze of his no longer beating heart from the scene in front of him.

(Y/N) was wearing his suit jacket, which looked much too big on her and covered the little girl completely. Her tiny frame drowning in the expensive material as she waved at her daddy in the doorway with a smile brighter than any star and the long suit sleeves flopping up and down, fully hiding the tiny little hand in the fabric. She’d placed three of her favourite toys and teddy bears in front of her, as if she was holding court and poor Juliet was covered in her blanket and wore a bright pink plastic crown. Making Crowley once more wonder if the little child could truly see the hellhound.

Luckily, other than a mess of toys and some new ���makeup” on her doll, the room wasn’t the mess Crowley had pictured it to be during his short walk. Still the silly little smile on his darling daughter’s face made him step fully into the room and sit down across from her behind her little line of toys.

“What’s this then pet?” Crowley asked with a soft chuckle as he watched  his little girl try and roll up the sleeves of his suit jacket only to fail adorably. Her little frown of concentration momentarily vanishing as bright (Y/E/C) eyes met his with a happy smile and a small giggle, as if her silly daddy should know what she was doing just from the scene in front of him.

“I’m playin’ house!” The little princess said with a smile brighter than the many colours in her little personal kingdom within his. Her hands going above her head as if she was an actress on a stage welcoming him into her little play, making the sleeves roll down to show hands absolutely covered in colours as she’d attempted to draw on some rings before giving up and just drawing colourful patterns.

“Really? That sounds fun,” Crowley said with a smile as he made himself more comfortable on the cluttered floor. The imagination of his beautiful little daughter much more intriguing than the dramatic world of the book he had left behind.

“Yes! I’m the king and ‘Ette is the queen, and Bun is our princess,” She said with a nod, her little make believe family mirroring that of her own real life and the movies and storybooks she loved as she didn’t add the usual mom, dad and kids roles to her playtime. Her little hands waving around the sleeves of the suit jacket as she pointed from Juliet to the bunny teddy bear Crowley had gotten her shortly after she became his family, his world.

“What about Pup and Maria?” Crowley asked, looking to her favourite puppy shaped teddy bear and the doll that had gotten a little makeover for the play pretend family. Both sitting on either side of Bun, the princess, as if they were guarding her. Though he doubted his little girl had included guards in her happy, perfect world.

“They’re Bun’s friends, they came to play,” Crowley’s little princess said, her smile still in place though her voice was serious as she laid the groundwork for the backstory of her little family. “But they can’t sleep ‘ere, ‘cause their mommy and daddy said no,”

“That makes sense,” Crowley said, nodding along with all the details his little wonder had included in her imaginative family of hellhounds, humans and toys. 

Looking at the bright eyes and happy smile he was rewarded with Crowley pushed his own book and story to the back of his mind as he watched his little girl arrange small little toys between them, setting up what looked like a dinner or tea party between her and the toys. Her world was always infinitely more interesting to Crowley. Because she mattered more than his position as king and all the needless politics that came with it. So looking at her little play date with Juliet he didn’t feel like going back to being an adult, perfectly content to stay in her room and just be a father.

“Can daddy join you?” Crowley asked, looking to be let into her little rabbit hole where her own wonderland was playing out with tea parties and hellhounds playing dress up. His very own little Alice not even hesitating as she smiled brightly at him, welcoming him into her rainbow coloured imagination with bright eyes and a warm heart.

“Ok, but I’m the daddy, so you have to be the prince,” She said, assigning Crowley his role in her play pretend world. A role he was more than happy to play, just like he’d been just as happy to play her horse when the living room was a treacherous road and her bedroom the tower where the dragon was guarding her prince. Or her knight on the days where she wanted to be the princess in the tower.

“Ok, deal,” He smiled as he scooted a little closer, joining the small tea party and playing along as his little princess became king for a day and presided over the small mixed up family with giggles and nonsensical plot lines that still had Crowley enraptured as he was lucky enough to catch another glimpse of her imaginative mind. A moment in her imagination was better than the best book.

---

“Daddy! I mean Prince Daddy! The phone,” His little darling girl pointed towards the play phone, letting him know that in her ears the piece of plastic was ringing loudly. “Is prolly Pup and ‘Ia’s mommy and daddy,” She added with a nod, like a director giving stage directions as Crowley picked up the small pink phone with a serious nod. Following her cues. It didn’t matter if he was the king of hell, a literal demon or despised by angels and hunters everywhere. When she told him to pick up her toy phone he answered it.

“Hello? Oh yes,” Crowley said into the phone before pretending to cover it to dramatically whisper to his tiny director. “It’s their mommy,”

“Tell her Pup and ‘Ia will go home after ice cream,” His princess said with a mischievous smile as Crowley followed her words and repeated it into the phone. His little rascal clearly trying to actually get ice cream out of him with her new found role as king. Shaking away a chuckle Crowley still played pretend until he ended the conversation with Maria and Pup’s mommy on the plastic phone before reaching over and pulling his scheming little chipmunk into his lap.

“So that’s what this was all about is it pet,” He said with a smile and a laugh as his fingers teased high pitched giggles out of her with a quick tickle of her still suit covered sides. Her own little hands and fingers mimicking the move as if she was copying him to still play the daddy in the family.

“Nooo, but we promised now,” She said, the giggled lilt to her voice proving that it had been her plan all along as Crowley lifted her into the air and held onto her tight as she laughed, head falling back in joy and wild (Y/H/C) hair spreading out to fan the air of the bedroom as he swung her around.

“Cheeky chipmunk,” He laughed as he hugged her tight, his heart overflowing from his bright little girl’s laugh. “Dinner first, then if there’s still room in that tiny tummy we’ll have ice cream,” He said, holding her close as he leaned down and freed poor Juliet from her crown bearing burdens and let the hellhound shake off the blanket she was covered in, in lieu of a dress.

“Deal,” She laughed, mimicking his earlier words with a sloppy kiss on his cheek as the little family moved away from the pretend tea party to enjoy dinner, her laughter brightening every room they stepped into as she kept the story going with her bright words and giggled recollections of moments Crowley didn’t mind reliving through her eyes.

If silence was golden, then the sound of her laughter was sparkling. Like diamonds and priceless gems.

 Please do let me know if you wish to be removed from the tag list

Tags:  @auszimbo @upon-a-girl @gallifreyansass @mogaruke @skybinx-blog  @delisp@jensen-jarpad @supernatural-jackles @deathtonormalcy56  @27bmm@wildfirewinchester @just-another-busy-fangirl  @ecsj  @imboredsueme@itsthesamegametoday @riversong-sam

Tagging a few Crowley peeps I know this time too, to keep that shameless streak going: @roxy-davenport @crowley-you-sinnamon-roll @scheherazades-horcrux, @ajacentlee, @chelsea072498 @annabellerosemasters @alangel1895

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #180 - Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed

Spoilers below.

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: No.

Format: DVD

1) So with the first film writer James Gunn had written a darker script meant to poke fun at the original series and gain a PG-13 rating, but after the cast signed on this was changed into a family friendly film. With the sequel, writer Gunn returns and this time everyone knew what kind of movie they were going to make from the beginning (which relates to some more solid structure in this film than the last).

2) Scooby-Doo Theory holds that whoever the protagonists talks to first is the person who did it. The first person they talk to in this film is Alicia Silverstone’s Heather Jasper Howe who ends up being the bad guy.

3) Okay, Coolsville opens up a museum exhibit about Mystery Inc. and their past foes. It is said that the gang, “donated,” the costumes. But…why are the costumes their’s to donate? Aren’t they police evidence? Do they steal the costumes from every crime as some sort of weird trophy and stash them all in a storage locker somewhere? Am I overthinking this? Let’s move on.

4) What the heck!? Seth Green is in this movie!?

5) Linda Cardellini continues to be absolutely excellent as Velma Dinkley, but one side we get to see in this film that we didn’t in the first is lovesick puppy Velma. Her crush on Seth Green’s Patrick is portrayed as cute, sweet, honest, and is just enjoyable to watch. I think Cardellini is great in both of these films and gets an even greater chance to shine in this one.

6) I always liked The Evil Masked Figure in this film.

I think it’s purely a taste of aesthetics. I like the metallic head, the hair, the cloak. He’s not really a character so much as a plot device and he does pale in comparison to the classic monsters which populate the film, but I just dig the design.

7) I think the early action set piece of Shaggy and Scooby getting pulled around the museum by the Pterodactyl Ghost is a little stagey. It FEELS like they’re on a film set as opposed to even the fun of the cartoon chases. But that just may be me.

8) What the fanboy in me loves about this film is the way it brings in all the classic monsters from the old cartoons. James Gunn is a fan himself and it shows because - much like he is able to fill up Guardians of the Galaxy with notable characters, references, and alien species - he brings in a lot of A-list villains from the show. The Black Knight Ghost and the 10,000 Volt Ghost in particular were always favorites of mine and it is REMARKABLY fun to see them, the Tar Monster, the Zombie, Captain Cutler’s Ghost, and The Miner 49-er brought to live action (among others).

9) Okay, so Heather Jasper Howe’s reporting is 100% slander and illegal. She is taking everything Mystery Inc. says out of context to make them appear bad in the public light. Yes, she’s the villain, this is part of the plan. But unless you’re working for an obviously biased news source like Fox News you would not be allowed to get away with this. Still, when I start to question the realism of a Scooby-Doo movies the whole thing falls apart.

10) The primary conflict for Scooby and Shaggy in this film is them questioning their worth/value to the team. This makes for surprisingly interesting character conflict and an equally surprising emotional arc for the film. I like it!

11) According to IMDb:

The original Scooby-Doo episode dealing with the pterodactyl ghost featured a villain and motive that were quite different. The pterodactyl/hang glider costume was used to smuggle pirated music, with the small-town mayor behind the whole scheme.

12) I cannot begin to express how funny my tiny eight year old self found this joke.

Shaggy [after the gang goes through all their notes, which Scooby has been jotting down]: “Scooby-Doo, what’s your conclusion?”

Scooby: “Bunny!”

13) I have a feeling this film had a product placement agreement with Burger King. Scooby was drinking from a Burger King cup earlier and then this:

14) I may have watched The Mummy too many times.

Fred: “What could possibly happen by ringing a doorbell?”

15) So Shaggy messes with a record player and “Baby Got Back” starts playing. Which begs the question: WHO ON EARTH HAS A VINYL OF “Baby Got Back”!?

16) According to IMDb:

At one point in the film, Scooby and Shaggy are pretending to sing into a toilet brush "microphone". The song they are actually singing is Strangers in the Night - Frank Sinatra's version featured the improvised scat lyrics, "Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo", lyrics which then-CBS executive Fred Silverman chose as the name of the new cartoon series. The original name for the dog was "Too Much", a popular catchphrase of the era.

17) The entire Black Knight Ghost chase through the mansion is very cartoonish, which I mean as a compliment. It feels like it is ripped straight out of an old episode of the cartoon, speaking again to the great way James Gunn handles the source material.

18) Why is Daphne wearing a shirt with her own face on it?

19) Again: this made me laugh so hard as an eight year old.

Black Knight [after Velma kicks him in the nuts]: “Right in the round tables!”

20) This film was released in 2004, can you tell?

Fred: “…this mystery goes down like a dot com and Coolsville digs us again!”

21) I ship Velma and Daphne. I have a feeling so does James Gunn.

(Screenshot taken of a GIF originally posted by @ezekiels)

22) Linda Cardellini gets to be exceptionally funny in this film for one BIG reason:

Patrick: “Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

Velma: “No, I can’t in this outfit.”

23) The Faux Ghost.

This is a wonderful concept featured in the film which once again shows off just how deeply familiar writer James Gunn is with the source material. Just the idea that a bar for all the people Mystery Inc caught exists is wonderfully fun. The art design and characters all stand out in a wonderfully fun scene.

24) Whoa, this is pretty deep for Scooby-Doo 2.

Old Man Wickles [about being a masked villain]: “We needed people to believe we were different than we were. Maybe because we believed there was something wrong with who were in the first place.”

This also means the song which plays in the club - “Thank You For Letting Me By Myself” - has much more meaning than one might initially expect.

25) This line was improvised.

Velma [after she lets out a squeak]: “That was my outfit, I swear.”

26) It’s kinda fun seeing Seth Green go into psychotic badass mode on this goon. My primary experience with him is through “Buffy” where he mostly plays his character as emotionally controlled. This is a fun change from that. Also, Shaggy gets in a sick burn because of it.

Shaggy [after seeing Patrick act a little crazy]: “But we gotta make like your personality and split!”

27) What even is this movie!?

Old Man Wickles [after Scooby gives away his position hiding in a bush]: “Darn bushes toweling at me again.”

AGAIN!?

28) Ah, the potion gag.

So there was a lot of work trying to figure out exactly what gags to use. At one point, Scooby was going to turn into his hand drawn counterpart as a replacement to a much less favored gag of Scooby turning into George W. Bush. The filmmakers didn’t want to compare 3D Scooby with 2D Scooby so they had him turn into the Tasmanian Devil instead. It’s kinda random and pointless, but not unenjoyable. It’s kinda fun to watch, it just has nothing to do with the rest of the plot.

29) In this moment, I am Shaggy.

Shaggy: “We’re gonna die!”

Daphne: “Think positive!”

Shaggy: “We’re gonna die quickly!”

30) Okay hold on a second: the monsters share the same hatred of Mystery Inc. that their portrayers had? But why? They’re not the same people are they? Do they have the memories of their human counterparts? Are they the vision of the criminals who portrayed them fully realized?

31) The old high school clubhouse scene is a surprisingly poignant moment of vulnerability and character interaction for Mystery Inc. The flashback - even though it’s a little cringe worthy seeing the young Mystery Inc (with their awkward imitations of the main cast and weirdly dubbed over voices from the main actors) - allows for us to understand the core of their relationship. In a lot of ways, this is the beating heart of the film. Mystery Inc and the friendship they have with each other.

32) Again: I am Shaggy.

Shaggy [while being chased]: “This is tied for the most terrifying day of my life!”

Velma: “Tied with what?”

Shaggy: “EVERY OTHER FREAKING DAY OF MY LIFE!”

33) HOW DID THE BLACK KNIGHT GET A GHOST HORSE!? Wouldn’t they need a horse costume to do that?

34) Ah, Buffy speak used by a “Buffy” actor.

Daphne: “Taste the pain Mr. Glowy Ugly Thing!”

35) I love this.

Velma [after Shaggy and Scooby say they’re trying to be more like the gang]: “That’s funny. I always wanted to be like you guys.”

This speaks greatly to just how freaking important Shaggy and Scooby are to the group. They’re the beating heart, it’s called Scooby-Doo for a reason. And the fact that Velma is able to so honestly and believably say she wants to be like Shaggy and Scooby is a surprisingly touching moment in the film.

36) It only took Velma 45 years to admit this.

Velma [after her glasses fall off]: “I’ve got to consider contact lenses.”

37) According to IMDb:

The Cotton Candy Glob is a tribute to the Cotton Candy Monsters who appeared in the story "Goop on the Loose" in the Scooby-Doo comics published by DC Comics, where the culprits were a child and two henchmen trying to get revenge from being fired from a carnival. The Cotton Candy Monsters were mentioned in A Pup Named Scooby-Doo: Terror, Thy Name Is Zombo (1989).

38) I JUST got that the game of keep away they play with the monster making control panel reflects the game of frisbee we saw them playing in the flashback.

(GIF originally posted by @leaveatraill)

39) Tar Monster seems like he has a ridiculous amount of power. Like he can single handedly nearly kill ALL of Mystery Inc. Why not just release the Tar Monster on the world? I feel like THAT’D be a better plan!

40) The Evil Masked Figure is unmasked and revealed to be Heather Jasper Howe. But her hair and makeup are perfect. Shouldn’t she have - like - helmet hair or something?

41) Scooby running to Shaggy like they haven’t seen each other in ages is totally unearned. Shaggy just put on a mask and took it off and Scooby acts all excited! But, it’s still kinda nice.

42) What the heck? This film has a secret mini movie!?

A commercial!?

Much like the first Scooby Doo film, Monsters Unleashed is hardly a cinematic masterpiece but the kid in my absolutely loves it. The characterization is continually strong (as is the acting), it’s a lot of fun to see the old monsters in a live action format, and it’s just an enjoyable 90ish minutes. There are movies which have aged worse so if you have fond memories of this or are a fan of the Scooby-Doo franchise, give it a watch.

[rockymountaingothic]

yo o o whats happening

I think a Guy Ritchie Raffles movie would be good ?

I don’t think he’s gonna, because ultimately it’s too similar to sherlock holmes which he’s already doing great with. But if he did, out of necessity it would walk talk and shoot gun differently. Probably more in the vein of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. with the expensive clothes and cars and high stakes sneaking around (napoleon solo even has the thief background so hyeah if you didn’t like his holmes adaptations pls go watch that)

And that would be amazing, right??? Holy fuck the dude makes crime movies /it’s what he does/ i would absolutely kill to see him take on /the gentleman thief/ archetype the way he took on /the secret agent/ in the man from uncle. here are some things raffles has that he has already demonstrated great use of in his other films

Morally ambiguous characters

Characters who are unbelievably good at one thing, usually a crime thing, and are flawed in almost every other way

Assholes who do shitty things but are so charming you can’t help but root for them

Usually because they’re up against someone who’s also on the wrong side of the law but also kills puppies or whatever, y’know. worse than them in some way

Narration

Card game scenes

CRIMES

Say what you will about RDJ as Holmes but that depiction of Victorian England kicks my ASS EVERYtime i watch game of shadows

So with that in mind here are some things I could see him doing and basically my version of a good Raffles adaptation by Guy Ritchie, and me, AJ

The movie starts with Wilful Murder, told as a pretty short introduction sequence. this shows us what their lives are like - as well as sets up the main conflict of the movie; their reputations are constantly in danger because of their activities. Raffles likes to think he isn’t above killing to prevent their exposure, and Bunny would follow him anywhere. But there’s no tension or suspense, because they fuck up climbing over the fence, they fuck up breaking the window, and they both trip over Angus Baird’s body and are extremely relieved like oh thank god.... thank fucking god he’s already dead (we realise yeah... these guys are kinda fuckin it up at the burglar thing...)

from upstairs, somebody shoots at them and BAM! TITLE SEQUENCE! Full of still frames and short slow mo clips of them rushing away from the house pursued by a gang of ruffians who had other beef with angus baird over idk a franz ferdinand song or something like that? what do the kids listen to these days. there are explosions, not sure why

dunno what the plot is but it involves at least three break ins, each zanier than the last, it probably takes some notes structure wise from Mr Justice Raffles but eh

Raffles probably has a threesome with Teddy and Camilla? just sayin

Inspector Mackenzie is there in like, a zenigata capacity and SHE’S BEAUTIFUL

Bunny does some voiceover but get this, it’s in the context of letters he’s writing to Miss Carruthers because that sounds like some movie shit they’d do! right!! she’s in the movie and she has a GUN

They play card games because it’s a guy ritchie movie but maybe we can work in that adorable thing from the show where the stakes are candy-based . huff. hff. charactersizaation.

I think Raffles’s sister helps them get out of a jam mid-movie. I’m just throwing in all the ladies i can

Cursing ( a lot )

Did i mention gun

JUST watch me I’m gonna write this whole thing just to prove a guy ritchie style raffles movie could be good

Bunny doing a voiceover of some burglary shop talk, explaining in detail how something is supposed to work, then as we see them doing it everything goes completely wrong and along with being funny as fuck its very becoming of Bunny as an unreliable narrator

a shot that shows you the inside of a lock as it’s being picked probably

like a slow motion fight scene between two people who don’t really know how to fight would be pretty great lmao

and then it ends with a gift of the emperor/knees of the gods style sacrifice and we realise Raffles was a selfish dick, but in the end he helped Bunny in the only way he could: by removing himself from his life

and Bunny is having a moment by himself like dear god he really did care and Raffles crashes through a window and dusts himself off like “back”

Roll credits

The best thing about what he does when he adapts is that he takes stuff like the characters and setting of the whodunit holmes stories and spy/action man from uncle and gives them a sense of humor about what they are- so yeah, maybe when you think about sherlock holmes your first thought isn’t greasy iron man kicking a guy so hard he flies 20 feet backwards through a boarded window and into a lake (and lives!) but fuck- I like sherlock holmes, I don’t really care for action blockbusters, but for some reason when you combine them it’s entertaining as all get out. And of course it’s not like the books, because that would be boring. And if anyone adapted Raffles in a way that was exactly like the books it would be boring.

Because the books are comprised of two things: One, very technical, concise descriptions of the way things happened, and two, how Bunny, as the narrator, felt about them. One being something movies are very good at showing, and two being something movies are certainly capable of with a very sensitive, emotional director like Lynne Ramsey but like... NOT guy ritchie, for sure. But if you want a Raffles movie, do you WANT something sensitive and nuanced? Do you want a heartfelt exploration of a younger man’s changing vision of the man he met in his youth as he finds himself manipulated into a life of crime or whatever? maybe but ... i dunno that sounds boring to me. maybe as a short film i could handle it

but like the real thing is “I want a fun movie and I want to see these characters I love brought to the cinema as it is in this day and age in a manner which i feel is true to the original nature of the stories and reminds me why I love them” and not turned into something which to me is barely recognizable from the source material

and if you don’t like ritchie’s holmes adaptations that’s probably why. Personally, i think Game of Shadows is a wonderful film and one of the best adaptations of a Professor Moriarty story, defs my favorite. Plus Rocknrolla and Snatch are some of my favorite movies and thinking about a Raffles adaptation with all the fun and charm and excitement of those gets me SO PUMPED UP

But also I know if it’s hollywood imma be disappointed. good thing its never happening?

you know what would definitely suck though? a wes anderson raffles. lmao holy shit

[rubykgrant]

Because I like making lists and sharing info about stuff I like, I decided to share a small group of a few of my favorite books; specifically, ones that are SPOOKY somehow (some are about magic, some are about more sci-fi stuff, but all still a bit spooky). These are all books that I own, so this isn’t like a “top 50 best spooky books ever” kind of thing, just what I have on my shelf in no particular order. Also, these are all children and young adult books, I’ll save the grown-up horror books for a different list (these books vary in levels of spooky, from mild to hard-core, but are still generally safe for most people to read)

If you like to read and have some time to hunt these down, you might enjoy them. If you are into spooky stories, these might inspire you and provide ref for writing ideas-

BUNNICULA by Deborah and James Howe

NO FLYING IN THE HOUSE by Betty Brock

STONEWORDS A GHOST STORY by Pam Conrad

THE HALLOWEEN TREE by Ray Bradbury

MALICE by Chris Wooding (also, the sequel HAVOC)

CORALINE by Neil Gaiman

HECK: WHERE THE BAD KIDS GO by Dale E Basye (seven books total in the series)

HOW TO DRIVE YOUR FAMILY CRAZY… ON HALLOWEEN by Dean Marney (originally titled “The Jack-O-Lantern that Ate my Brother)

SKULLDUGGERY PLEASANT by Derek Landy (nine books total)

THE HAUNTING OF DEREK STONE by Tony Abbot (four books total)

SCORPION SHARDS by Neal Shusterman (part of the star chronicle series)

WELL WITCHED by Frances Hardinge

(some descriptions of the books under the cut)

BUNNICULA by Deborah and James Howe

Told from the perspective of Harold the dog, we are introduced to a new family pet; a cute little bunny found in a box at the theater (that was showing Dracula). After the important task of naming the little fluff-ball Bunnicula is over, the family is content to have their new pet. Though, he is a little odd… he sleeps all day, and they never see him eat. The family cat Chester, Harold’s dear friend, is suspicious that this bunny isn’t all that he seems. Clues of what Bunnicula truly is begin to pile up, literally, when other members of the family discover vegetables that have been completely drained. Chester is convinced that when it comes to Bunnicula today it might only be vegtables, but tomorrow it could be the world! Harold isn’t quite so sure the “vampire rabbit” is dangerous, and Bunnicula might be the one who needs help.

NO FLYING IN THE HOUSE by Betty Brock

A mysterious child has come to live with a very rich woman, in her very big house, and brings with her a very tiny dog; Gloria, a talking dog and Annabel’s guardian, is looking after her. Annabel doesn’t think Gloria is strange. To her, this is a normal life, and she loves everything in the house… except the strange, tiny cat that appeared and started telling Annabel secrets. Annabel learns she is actually very strange, because she isn’t an ordinary little girl, she is half-fairy and can even fly! This isn’t all good news though. Annabel has to choose between different parts of who she is, and whatever she decides can change her life forever

STONEWORDS A GHOST STORY by Pam Conrad

Zoe’s mother brought her to live with her grandparents when she was very little, and on her first night at her new house, she could feel another little hand holding hers even though nobody else could see her “imaginary friend”. Zoe Louise and Zoe spend every day together, they play, they talk, they grow up together… well, Zoe grows, but Zoe Louise stays the same. Sometimes, Zoe Louise disappears up the door of the back stairs, and Zoe is afraid to follow her. As Zoe gets older, she finally takes a trip into her friend’s world, and realizes her friend needs her help, but she needed it a long time ago. When Zoe visits a cemetery and sees her name, her friend’s name, on a grave stone, she finally has the courage to go through the door and into the past, hopefully to change a terrible tragedy

THE HALLOWEEN TREE by Ray Bradbury

On Halloween night a group a friends meet to go trick-or-treating… but someone is missing. Pip, the best of them all, is supposed to be in the hospital for appendicitis, but his friends are sure they saw him run toward a creepy house, so they follow him. This is where they meet Mr. Moundshroud, and where they see a tree full of pumpkins on every branch, carved faces that range from looking almost human to ghoulish, candles glowing within them. Mr Moundshroud tells the kids that Pip has stolen a pumpkin from this tree, and has fled not just to another place but another time. In order to save their friend from a mysterious fate, the kids go on a journey to different eras around the world, where they learn meanings behind different traditions about life and death   

MALICE by Chris Wooding (also, the sequel HAVOC)

Part illustration and part language, this book blends comics with the novel, as well as fantasy and reality. You see, there is a mysterious comic book, hard to find, and even if you get one the pages go blank after time passes… it depicts a strange and horrifying world called MALICE, full of monsters, and also children who have been transported there from the real world. An urban legend says if you gather the right ingredients and say the right words, Tall Jake will come and take you away. It turns out to be very real, and soon two kids begin a search and rescue mission to find their friend. The thing is, not everybody survives being the star of the comic, and you might only make it into one issue

CORALINE by Neil Gaiman

Coraline is an explorer; she has explored the garden, she has explored her room, she has explored the hallways, she has explored everywhere in her new house… except whatever room is behind the strange locked door. Once Coraline finds the key, she goes down a dark corridor and comes out in… the same room. The same, but different. This is the same house, but it is another house. She also has an Other Mother, with black button eyes, who promises that Coraline will find this world much more interesting. She does, but Coraline still wants to go back to her real home with her real parents. The Other Mother doesn’t like that; she wants Coraline to stay with her forever and always, she wants Coraline to love her, and all Coraline has to do is let her sew the buttons… to save her life, the ghosts of children who came before her, and her parents, Coraline stands up to the Other Mother with some unexpected help from her crazy neighbors and a Cat that doesn’t need a name 

HECK: WHERE THE BAD KIDS GO by Dale E Basye (seven books total in the series)

Bad kids get punished, even if they aren’t alive anymore. Milton and Marlo Fauster find this out the hard way. Down in Heck, there are many different types of “punishment”; like Wise Acres for the sassy kids, or Snivel for the whiny kids. There are seven circles of Heck, so you’ll fit in somewhere. Full of demons and puns, Heck isn’t just a place for bad kids, it is a very bad place for kids. Some of the punishments don’t really seem fair, and some kids never learn a lesson. Could there be a way for Milton and Marlow to go up, to heaven or at least back to the land of the living? Or will they just keep going down

HOW TO DRIVE YOUR FAMILY CRAZY… ON HALLOWEEN by Dean Marney (originally titled “The Jack-O-Lantern that Ate my Brother)

Lizzie is annoyed that her parents never listen to her, she’s annoyed that she’s getting teased about her name (getting called “Lizzie Borden”), but most of all she is annoyed by her little brother. She wishes she could just enjoy Halloween all by herself, but her parents are making her take him around the neighborhood. Lizzie tries to look out for him, especially when a woman dressed as witch offers him some shifty candy. Lizzie told him not to touch it, but do little brothers listen? Now Lizzie is being put to the test by the witch, who is in fact, an actual witch. She has to rescue her little brother from a haunted house, full of everything Lizzie is afraid of

SKULLDUGGERY PLEASANT by Derek Landy (nine books total)

Stephanie’s uncle left her a mansion full of his possessions after he passed away, and she also seems to have inherited a few problems; strangers demanding she give them the “key” and attacking her. She is saved by a skeleton, held together by magic, with the ability to conjure fire balls. If that doesn’t work against his enemies, he does also have a gun. Stephanie becomes part of this secret world full of sorcerers after meeting the magical detective Skullduggery Pleasant, deciding to help him solve the mystery of her uncle’s death and locating the key. She learns a lot about magic, the power of names, meets many other magic-users, and uncovers a sinister plot that could destroy the world

THE HAUNTING OF DEREK STONE by Tony Abbot (four books total)

14-year-old Derek thought he was the only survivor in his family after the train accident… but eventually, his older brother turns up. His brother doesn’t seem quite right though. He doesn’t remember much about his life, but does talk a lot about things he does remember. To Derek, it sounds like the life of somebody else. Eventually, Derek figures out that the person in his brother is someone who died many years ago, in another train crash in the same place. The dead are coming back, and some of them are very dangerous. Derek’s new life dealing with the dead takes him all over New Orleans, through the bayou, and to some places he’d rather not go

SCORPION SHARDS by Neal Shusterman (part of the star chronicle series)

Six young people who have never met have something in common; they aren’t normal. They have odd abilities, strange powers, and unfortunate afflictions that cause them pain, fear, and suffering. Slowly, they begin to meet each other, and figure out what is happening to them… and what they really are. It isn’t just their bodies that are hurting, it is their souls; they are all pieces of a star that went supernova long ago, and within their large star-sized souls are parasites that are killing them. They have to learn to work together, overcome their fears, battle their demons, and find the courage to save themselves

WELL WITCHED by Frances Hardinge

At some point, almost everybody has tossed a coin into a well and made a wish. Nobody really expects the wish to come true. You just have to find the right well… or the wrong well. To pay for the bus, three kids stole some coins from an old wishing well, and become responsible for the wishes connected to the coins. If they resist their duty, they are visited by the spirit of the well; she might be a witch, or she might be an old forgotten goddess. Either way, she torments the kids until they do what she wants. You see, she has a hard time understanding some of the complicated things people wish for in the modern world, but the kids do. She even gives them special abilities to complete the tasks. It is almost like doing good deeds… but once certain things are set in motion, they don’t stop. There is an ebb and flow to wish-granting, give and take, and coins are only part of the price

[beyondforks]

Release Day Review! Birthright by Jessica Ruddick

Birthright (Legacy #1) by Jessica Ruddick  Genre: Young Adult (Paranormal Romance) Date Published: March 20, 2017 Publisher: Self

How do you live with yourself when you decide who dies? Ava Parks would have killed for an iPod for her sixteenth birthday. Anything would have been better than coming into her birthright of being a seeker for the Grim Reaper, an arrangement made by her fallen angel ancestor in exchange for his re-admittance to heaven. And she isn’t just any seeker—she finds souls that have the potential for becoming angels and sentences them to death. A year and two souls into her role as a seeker with her conscience overflowing with guilt, Ava comes up with a plan to thwart the system. When it goes awry, she is forced to submit the name of a classmate, Cole Fowler, an ornery, rough around the edges guy who always seems to come to her rescue, whether she likes it or not. Her feelings for Cole prompt her to intervene, and she saves him from death, upsetting the Grim Reaper’s agenda. While Ava schemes to find a way to save Cole, she learns he has some secrets of his own. She lets him believe he is protecting her, and not the other way around, until a final showdown with the Grim Reaper forces Ava to make choices Cole may never forgive.

Birthright is the first book in the Legacy series by Jessica Ruddick. I only have one complaint, so I'll get it over with first, since I hate this part about reviewing. I felt like political agendas were getting thrown at me through Ava's character. Regardless of where you stand on things, these digs were unnecessary. I understand authors want to express their views through their writing. That's a big part of why some people write to begin with, but the repetition of these occurrences made them hard to overlook. It probably wasn't even intentional, because I think the last thing any author would want to do was alienate large portions of their audience. I've had enough of politics, and the whole war between conservatives and liberals. I'm done with it. So, I felt put off after it started feeling like a political agenda was being pushed on me, and honestly, that put a big damper on what I thought was a pretty great story otherwise. With all that being said, I want to give Ava the benefit of the doubt... sooo let's get to the good stuff. Ava has some tremendous inner strength to her, but she has a lot of maturing to do too, and maybe that's why she feels the way she does about certain issues and groups of people. I mean let's face it, life has made her pretty jaded since she found out the truth of what she is. I think Cole helped her along quite a bit. Not just by keeping her safe, but emotionally too. She needs him. I think he needs her too. The author did a fantastic job of immersing me into their lives. I could feel their chemistry and heat through the pages, even when they were in denial about their feelings. The plot itself was imaginative. I feel like there's some kind of corruption going on regarding Xavier and possibly the Reapers, but I'm not sure yet. Xavier is brutal. I really disliked the dude, but I love that his character brought out such strong emotion. I seriously wanted to throttle him. I want to know why they would want to end the lives of good people on only the chance they could be turned into Angels though. It seems like they are trying to destroy all the good people. Is that Xavier's evil plan? Or maybe the plan of someone above(or 'below') him? What I also liked, was even the people who didn't have perfect white auras could still be darn good people. Nobody's perfect right? How do they ever find totally white auras anyway? Everyone is flawed, and this book captured that. I think we've got some crazy and exciting things in store for us within this series. The ARC of Birthright by Jessica Ruddick was kindly provided to me by the author for review. The opinions are my own.

As soon as I opened the front door, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and a tingle ran down my spine. The scent of cinnamon filled my nostrils. It was like having those little candy Red Hots shoved up my nose. Dread in the form of a knot settled in the base of my stomach. Xavier. Xavier was…I wasn’t sure what he was. Was he the descendant of a fallen angel like me? Was he an angel himself? Or was he something else, something more sinister? He certainly looked it. He certainly acted it. He exuded evil. He was lounging on our couch, his arms spread out over the back of it and his right ankle propped on his left knee. His black hair was slicked back, and he’d grown a goatee since the last time I’d seen him. As usual, he was dressed in a black suit with a red tie, what I mentally referred to as his “villain suit.” I couldn’t believe he was the same man who used to read me bedtime stories and tuck me in when my mom had to work nights. A smile stretched across his face and his black beady eyes watched me enter the room. The only thing that could possibly make him more snakelike was if a thin red forked tongue flitted out of his mouth. I’d be less surprised than if a hippo flounced around my living room in a pink tutu in true Fantasia style. My mom sat stiffly on a chair across from him. It was our home, but Xavier was in control here. Her eyes met mine, and she shrugged her shoulders slightly. She had no idea why he was here either. We hadn’t expected him for at least a couple more months. “Welcome home, Ava,” Xavier said. “Why don’t you have a seat?” “No, thanks. I’ll stand.” He chuckled. “Suit yourself.” Xavier took a moment to inspect his cuticles, as if he weren’t in the middle of our living room, as if we weren’t waiting for him to say whatever it was he came to say so he would leave again. I’d say he was oblivious to the effect he had on us, but that wouldn’t be true. He knew, and he relished it. I crossed my arms over my chest. “What do you want?” He raised his eyebrows. “Is that any way to treat a guest in your home?” He looked at my mother. “You should really teach her better manners.” I laughed bitterly. “Calling yourself a guest implies that you’re wanted here.” “Ava,” my mom said, her tone sharp. Xavier just threw his head back and laughed. “No, Mary, let the little vixen spew her venom. I like it. It’s honest. Honesty is underrated in society today, don’t you agree?” I glared at him. “I have your next assignment.” My glare faltered as I fought to keep the air moving in and out of my lungs. An assignment from Xavier meant the blood of an innocent would be on my hands again. When I said I worked for the Grim Reaper, that was oversimplifying it a bit. There’s actually more than one. Think about it—with all the people who die every day in the world, how could there possibly be just one? The particular Grim Reaper I worked for was special, though. He collected souls that were worthy of being angels. It was my job as a seeker to find those souls. How’s that for an after school job? “Forgive me, Xavier, but isn’t it a little soon?” my mom said quietly. “She hasn’t even had a chance to get settled in her new school.” He glanced at her before returning his attention to me. “She can handle it. Besides, it’s time.” “But her last assignment was just last month!” my mom protested. “Are you sure—” “I’m very sure.” I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. The knot of dread in my stomach exploded, seeping into the rest of my body. I breathed deeply, desperately trying to keep control. The last thing I wanted was to lose it in front of Xavier. “How long do I have?” “Two weeks.” Two weeks. I had two weeks to put a plan into motion that would change lives irrevocably. My classmates’ faces popped into my mind. I hadn’t bothered getting to know anyone or even learning names. I told myself it was easier that way, easier being a relative term. But did any of them have a white aura? When I was at school, I always blocked them out. Otherwise, the barrage of auras became a colorful assault on my senses. School was difficult enough as it was. I didn’t need the added distraction. Moving around so much had left gaps in my education, so even though I was pretty smart, I perpetually struggled to maintain decent grades. Why I even bothered anymore was a mystery, though. I would probably end up a waitress just like my mother. It was hard to develop a career or even think about college with our transient lifestyle. I squared my shoulders and looked Xavier in the eye, faking the bravado I lacked. “I guess I’ll see you in two weeks.”

Jessica Ruddick is a 2014 Golden Heart finalist for her new adult novel, Letting Go, which was inspired by her own college experiences. She lives in Virginia and is married to her college sweetheart—their first date was a fraternity toga party (and nothing inspires love like a toga, right?). When she doesn’t have her nose in a book or her hands on a keyboard, she can be found wrangling her two rambunctious sons, taming two rowdy but lovable rescue dogs, and battling the herd of dust bunnies that have taken up residence in her home. To learn more about Jessica Ruddick and her books, visit her website.You can also find her on Goodreads, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.

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