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wankerwatch · 2 months ago

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Commons Vote

On: Opposition day: Winter Fuel Payment

Ayes: 214 (51.6% Con, 32.4% LD, 4.2% SNP, 2.3% Ind, 2.3% DUP, 1.9% PC, 1.9% RUK, 1.9% Green, 0.5% APNI, 0.5% UUP, 0.5% TUV) Noes: 335 (99.7% Lab, 0.3% Ind) Absent: ~101

Day's business papers: 2024-09-10

Individual Votes:

Ayes

Conservative (110 votes)

Alan Mak Alberto Costa Alec Shelbrooke Alex Burghart Alicia Kearns Alison Griffiths Andrew Bowie Andrew Griffith Andrew Mitchell Andrew Murrison Andrew Snowden Aphra Brandreth Ashley Fox Ben Obese-Jecty Ben Spencer Bernard Jenkin Blake Stephenson Bob Blackman Bradley Thomas Caroline Dinenage Caroline Johnson Charlie Dewhirst Chris Philp Christopher Chope Claire Coutinho Damian Hinds Danny Kruger David Davis David Mundell David Reed David Simmonds Desmond Swayne Edward Argar Edward Leigh Gagan Mohindra Gareth Bacon Gavin Williamson Geoffrey Clifton-Brown George Freeman Graham Stuart Greg Smith Gregory Stafford Harriet Cross Harriett Baldwin Helen Grant Helen Whately Iain Duncan Smith Jack Rankin James Cartlidge James Cleverly James Wild Jeremy Hunt Jeremy Wright Jerome Mayhew Jesse Norman Joe Robertson John Cooper John Glen John Hayes John Lamont John Whittingdale Joy Morrissey Julia Lopez Julian Lewis Karen Bradley Katie Lam Kemi Badenoch Kevin Hollinrake Kieran Mullan Kit Malthouse Laura Trott Lewis Cocking Lincoln Jopp Luke Evans Mark Francois Mark Garnier Matt Vickers Mel Stride Mike Wood Mims Davies Neil Hudson Neil O'Brien Neil Shastri-Hurst Nick Timothy Nigel Huddleston Oliver Dowden Patrick Spencer Paul Holmes Peter Bedford Peter Fortune Priti Patel Rebecca Paul Rebecca Smith Richard Fuller Richard Holden Rishi Sunak Robbie Moore Robert Jenrick Roger Gale Saqib Bhatti Sarah Bool Shivani Raja Simon Hoare Steve Barclay Stuart Anderson Stuart Andrew Suella Braverman Tom Tugendhat Victoria Atkins Wendy Morton

Liberal Democrat (69 votes)

Adam Dance Al Pinkerton Alex Brewer Alison Bennett Alistair Carmichael Andrew George Angus MacDonald Anna Sabine Ben Maguire Bobby Dean Brian Mathew Calum Miller Cameron Thomas Caroline Voaden Charlie Maynard Charlotte Cane Chris Coghlan Christine Jardine Claire Young Clive Jones Daisy Cooper Danny Chambers David Chadwick Ed Davey Edward Morello Freddie van Mierlo Gideon Amos Helen Maguire Helen Morgan Ian Roome Ian Sollom James MacCleary Jamie Stone Jess Brown-Fuller John Milne Josh Babarinde Joshua Reynolds Layla Moran Lee Dillon Lisa Smart Liz Jarvis Luke Taylor Manuela Perteghella Marie Goldman Martin Wrigley Max Wilkinson Mike Martin Monica Harding Munira Wilson Olly Glover Paul Kohler Pippa Heylings Rachel Gilmour Richard Foord Roz Savage Sarah Dyke Sarah Gibson Sarah Green Sarah Olney Steff Aquarone Susan Murray Tessa Munt Tom Gordon Tom Morrison Victoria Collins Vikki Slade Wera Hobhouse Will Forster Zöe Franklin

Scottish National Party (9 votes)

Brendan O'Hara Chris Law Dave Doogan Graham Leadbitter Kirsty Blackman Pete Wishart Seamus Logan Stephen Flynn Stephen Gethins

Independent (5 votes)

Adnan Hussain Ayoub Khan Iqbal Mohamed Jeremy Corbyn Shockat Adam

Democratic Unionist Party (5 votes)

Carla Lockhart Gavin Robinson Gregory Campbell Jim Shannon Sammy Wilson

Plaid Cymru (4 votes)

Ann Davies Ben Lake Liz Saville Roberts Llinos Medi

Reform UK (4 votes)

James McMurdock Lee Anderson Richard Tice Rupert Lowe

Green Party (4 votes)

Adrian Ramsay Carla Denyer Ellie Chowns Siân Berry

Alliance (1 vote)

Sorcha Eastwood

Ulster Unionist Party (1 vote)

Robin Swann

Traditional Unionist Voice (1 vote)

Jim Allister

Noes

Labour (335 votes)

Abena Oppong-Asare Adam Jogee Adam Thompson Afzal Khan Al Carns Alan Campbell Alan Gemmell Alan Strickland Alex Baker Alex Ballinger Alex Barros-Curtis Alex Davies-Jones Alex Mayer Alex McIntyre Alex Norris Alex Sobel Alice Macdonald Alison Hume Alison Taylor Alistair Strathern Allison Gardner Amanda Hack Andrew Cooper Andrew Gwynne Andrew Lewin Andrew Pakes Andrew Ranger Andrew Western Andy MacNae Andy Slaughter Angela Eagle Angela Rayner Anna Dixon Anna Gelderd Anna Turley Anneliese Dodds Anneliese Midgley Antonia Bance Ashley Dalton Baggy Shanker Bambos Charalambous Barry Gardiner Becky Gittins Ben Coleman Ben Goldsborough Bill Esterson Blair McDougall Brian Leishman Bridget Phillipson Callum Anderson Calvin Bailey Carolyn Harris Catherine Atkinson Catherine Fookes Catherine McKinnell Catherine West Charlotte Nichols Chi Onwurah Chris Bloore Chris Bryant Chris Curtis Chris Elmore Chris Evans Chris Hinchliff Chris Kane Chris McDonald Chris Murray Chris Vince Chris Ward Claire Hazelgrove Claire Hughes Clive Betts Connor Naismith Connor Rand Damien Egan Dan Aldridge Dan Carden Dan Jarvis Dan Norris Dan Tomlinson Daniel Francis Danny Beales Darren Jones Darren Paffey Dave Robertson David Baines David Burton-Sampson David Pinto-Duschinsky David Smith David Taylor David Williams Debbie Abrahams Deirdre Costigan Derek Twigg Douglas Alexander Douglas McAllister Ed Miliband Elaine Stewart Ellie Reeves Emily Darlington Emily Thornberry Emma Foody Emma Hardy Emma Reynolds Fabian Hamilton Feryal Clark Florence Eshalomi Frank McNally Fred Thomas Gareth Snell Gareth Thomas Georgia Gould Gerald Jones Gill German Gordon McKee Graeme Downie Graham Stringer Gregor Poynton Gurinder Singh Josan Hamish Falconer Harpreet Uppal Heidi Alexander Helen Hayes Helena Dollimore Henry Tufnell Ian Murray Imogen Walker Irene Campbell Jack Abbott Jacob Collier Jade Botterill Jake Richards James Asser James Frith James Murray James Naish Janet Daby Jas Athwal Jayne Kirkham Jeevun Sandher Jeff Smith Jen Craft Jess Asato Jessica Morden Jessica Toale Jim Dickson Jim McMahon Jo Platt Jo Stevens Jo White Joani Reid Jodie Gosling Joe Morris Joe Powell Johanna Baxter John Grady John Slinger John Whitby Jon Pearce Jonathan Brash Jonathan Davies Jonathan Hinder Jonathan Reynolds Josh Dean Josh MacAlister Josh Newbury Josh Simons Julie Minns Juliet Campbell Justin Madders Kanishka Narayan Karin Smyth Karl Turner Kate Dearden Katie White Katrina Murray Keir Mather Kerry McCarthy Kevin Bonavia Kevin McKenna Kim Leadbeater Kirith Entwistle Kirsteen Sullivan Kirsty McNeill Laura Kyrke-Smith Lauren Edwards Lauren Sullivan Laurence Turner Lee Barron Lee Pitcher Lewis Atkinson Liam Byrne Liam Conlon Lilian Greenwood Lillian Jones Linsey Farnsworth Lisa Nandy Liz Kendall Liz Twist Lizzi Collinge Lloyd Hatton Lola McEvoy Louise Haigh Louise Jones Lucy Powell Lucy Rigby Luke Akehurst Luke Charters Luke Murphy Luke Myer Luke Pollard Margaret Mullane Marie Tidball Mark Ferguson Mark Hendrick Mark Sewards Mark Tami Markus Campbell-Savours Martin McCluskey Martin Rhodes Mary Creagh Mary Glindon Matt Rodda Matt Turmaine Matt Western Matthew Patrick Matthew Pennycook Maureen Burke Maya Ellis Meg Hillier Melanie Onn Melanie Ward Michael Payne Michael Shanks Michael Wheeler Michelle Scrogham Michelle Welsh Mike Amesbury Mike Kane Mike Reader Mike Tapp Natalie Fleet Natasha Irons Navendu Mishra Neil Coyle Nesil Caliskan Nia Griffith Nicholas Dakin Nick Smith Noah Law Oliver Ryan Olivia Bailey Olivia Blake Pam Cox Pamela Nash Pat McFadden Patricia Ferguson Patrick Hurley Paul Davies Paul Foster Paul Waugh Perran Moon Peter Dowd Peter Kyle Peter Lamb Peter Prinsley Peter Swallow Polly Billington Preet Kaur Gill Rachel Blake Rachel Hopkins Rachel Taylor Richard Baker Richard Quigley Rosie Wrighting Rupa Huq Rushanara Ali Ruth Cadbury Ruth Jones Sadik Al-Hassan Sally Jameson Sam Carling Sam Rushworth Samantha Dixon Samantha Niblett Sarah Champion Sarah Coombes Sarah Hall Sarah Owen Sarah Russell Sarah Sackman Satvir Kaur Scott Arthur Sean Woodcock Seema Malhotra Shabana Mahmood

Shaun Davies Simon Lightwood Siobhain McDonagh Sojan Joseph Sonia Kumar Stella Creasy Stephanie Peacock Stephen Kinnock Stephen Morgan Stephen Timms Steve Race Steve Reed Steve Witherden Steve Yemm Sureena Brackenridge Taiwo Owatemi Tanmanjeet Singh Dhesi Terry Jermy Tim Roca Toby Perkins Tom Collins Tom Hayes Tom Rutland Tony Vaughan Torcuil Crichton Torsten Bell Tracy Gilbert Tristan Osborne Tulip Siddiq Uma Kumaran Valerie Vaz Vicky Foxcroft Warinder Juss Wes Streeting Will Stone Yasmin Qureshi Yuan Yang Yvette Cooper Zubir Ahmed

Independent (1 vote)

Rebecca Long Bailey

#uk gov #uk politics #uk parliament #politics #vote #wankerwatch

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wankerwatch · 2 months ago

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Commons Vote

On: Social Fund Winter Fuel Payment Regulations 2024 (SI, 2024, No. 869): motion to annul

Ayes: 228 (49.3% Con, 31.7% LD, 4.4% Ind, 4.0% SNP, 2.2% DUP, 2.2% RUK, 1.8% PC, 1.8% Green, 0.9% SDLP, 0.4% Lab, 0.4% APNI, 0.4% UUP, 0.4% TUV) Noes: 348 (100.0% Lab) Absent: ~74

Day's business papers: 2024-09-10

Individual Votes:

Ayes

Conservative (112 votes)

Alan Mak Alberto Costa Alec Shelbrooke Alicia Kearns Alison Griffiths Andrew Bowie Andrew Griffith Andrew Mitchell Andrew Murrison Andrew Snowden Aphra Brandreth Ashley Fox Ben Obese-Jecty Ben Spencer Bernard Jenkin Blake Stephenson Bob Blackman Bradley Thomas Caroline Dinenage Caroline Johnson Charlie Dewhirst Chris Philp Christopher Chope Claire Coutinho Damian Hinds Danny Kruger David Davis David Mundell David Reed David Simmonds Desmond Swayne Edward Argar Edward Leigh Esther McVey Gagan Mohindra Gareth Bacon Gareth Davies Gavin Williamson Geoffrey Clifton-Brown George Freeman Graham Stuart Greg Smith Gregory Stafford Harriet Cross Harriett Baldwin Helen Grant Helen Whately Iain Duncan Smith Jack Rankin James Cartlidge James Cleverly James Wild Jeremy Hunt Jeremy Wright Jerome Mayhew Jesse Norman Joe Robertson John Cooper John Glen John Hayes John Lamont John Whittingdale Joy Morrissey Julia Lopez Julian Lewis Julian Smith Karen Bradley Katie Lam Kemi Badenoch Kevin Hollinrake Kieran Mullan Kit Malthouse Laura Trott Lewis Cocking Lincoln Jopp Luke Evans Mark Francois Mark Garnier Matt Vickers Mel Stride Mike Wood Mims Davies Neil Hudson Neil O'Brien Neil Shastri-Hurst Nick Timothy Nigel Huddleston Oliver Dowden Patrick Spencer Paul Holmes Peter Bedford Peter Fortune Priti Patel Rebecca Paul Rebecca Smith Richard Fuller Richard Holden Rishi Sunak Robbie Moore Robert Jenrick Roger Gale Saqib Bhatti Sarah Bool Shivani Raja Simon Hoare Steve Barclay Stuart Anderson Stuart Andrew Suella Braverman Tom Tugendhat Victoria Atkins Wendy Morton

Liberal Democrat (72 votes)

Adam Dance Al Pinkerton Alex Brewer Alison Bennett Alistair Carmichael Andrew George Angus MacDonald Anna Sabine Ben Maguire Bobby Dean Brian Mathew Calum Miller Cameron Thomas Caroline Voaden Charlie Maynard Charlotte Cane Chris Coghlan Christine Jardine Claire Young Clive Jones Daisy Cooper Danny Chambers David Chadwick Ed Davey Edward Morello Freddie van Mierlo Gideon Amos Helen Maguire Helen Morgan Ian Roome Ian Sollom James MacCleary Jamie Stone Jess Brown-Fuller John Milne Josh Babarinde Joshua Reynolds Layla Moran Lee Dillon Lisa Smart Liz Jarvis Luke Taylor Manuela Perteghella Marie Goldman Martin Wrigley Max Wilkinson Mike Martin Monica Harding Munira Wilson Olly Glover Paul Kohler Pippa Heylings Rachel Gilmour Richard Foord Roz Savage Sarah Dyke Sarah Gibson Sarah Green Sarah Olney Steff Aquarone Steve Darling Susan Murray Tessa Munt Tim Farron Tom Gordon Tom Morrison Victoria Collins Vikki Slade Wendy Chamberlain Wera Hobhouse Will Forster Zöe Franklin

Independent (10 votes)

Adnan Hussain Apsana Begum Ayoub Khan Ian Byrne Iqbal Mohamed Jeremy Corbyn John McDonnell Richard Burgon Shockat Adam Zarah Sultana

Scottish National Party (9 votes)

Brendan O'Hara Chris Law Dave Doogan Graham Leadbitter Kirsty Blackman Pete Wishart Seamus Logan Stephen Flynn Stephen Gethins

Democratic Unionist Party (5 votes)

Carla Lockhart Gavin Robinson Gregory Campbell Jim Shannon Sammy Wilson

Reform UK (5 votes)

James McMurdock Lee Anderson Nigel Farage Richard Tice Rupert Lowe

Plaid Cymru (4 votes)

Ann Davies Ben Lake Liz Saville Roberts Llinos Medi

Green Party (4 votes)

Adrian Ramsay Carla Denyer Ellie Chowns Siân Berry

Social Democratic & Labour Party (2 votes)

Claire Hanna Colum Eastwood

Labour (1 vote)

Jon Trickett

Alliance (1 vote)

Sorcha Eastwood

Ulster Unionist Party (1 vote)

Robin Swann

Traditional Unionist Voice (1 vote)

Jim Allister

Noes

Labour (348 votes)

Abena Oppong-Asare Abtisam Mohamed Adam Jogee Adam Thompson Afzal Khan Al Carns Alan Campbell Alan Gemmell Alan Strickland Alex Baker Alex Ballinger Alex Barros-Curtis Alex Davies-Jones Alex Mayer Alex McIntyre Alex Norris Alex Sobel Alice Macdonald Alison Hume Alison McGovern Alison Taylor Alistair Strathern Allison Gardner Amanda Hack Andrew Cooper Andrew Gwynne Andrew Lewin Andrew Pakes Andrew Ranger Andrew Western Andy MacNae Andy Slaughter Angela Eagle Angela Rayner Anna Dixon Anna Gelderd Anna Turley Anneliese Dodds Anneliese Midgley Antonia Bance Ashley Dalton Baggy Shanker Bambos Charalambous Barry Gardiner Bayo Alaba Becky Gittins Ben Coleman Ben Goldsborough Bill Esterson Blair McDougall Brian Leishman Bridget Phillipson Callum Anderson Calvin Bailey Carolyn Harris Catherine Atkinson Catherine Fookes Catherine McKinnell Catherine West Charlotte Nichols Chi Onwurah Chris Bloore Chris Bryant Chris Curtis Chris Elmore Chris Evans Chris Hinchliff Chris Kane Chris McDonald Chris Murray Chris Vince Chris Ward Claire Hazelgrove Claire Hughes Clive Betts Connor Naismith Connor Rand Damien Egan Dan Aldridge Dan Carden Dan Jarvis Dan Norris Dan Tomlinson Daniel Francis Danny Beales Darren Jones Darren Paffey Dave Robertson David Baines David Burton-Sampson David Lammy David Pinto-Duschinsky David Smith David Taylor David Williams Debbie Abrahams Deirdre Costigan Derek Twigg Douglas Alexander Douglas McAllister Ed Miliband Elaine Stewart Ellie Reeves Emily Darlington Emily Thornberry Emma Foody Emma Hardy Emma Reynolds Fabian Hamilton Feryal Clark Florence Eshalomi Frank McNally Fred Thomas Gareth Snell Gareth Thomas Gen Kitchen Georgia Gould Gerald Jones Gill German Gordon McKee Graeme Downie Graham Stringer Gregor Poynton Gurinder Singh Josan Hamish Falconer Harpreet Uppal Heidi Alexander Helen Hayes Helena Dollimore Henry Tufnell Ian Murray Imogen Walker Irene Campbell Jack Abbott Jacob Collier Jade Botterill Jake Richards James Asser James Frith James Murray James Naish Janet Daby Jas Athwal Jayne Kirkham Jeevun Sandher Jeff Smith Jen Craft Jess Asato Jess Phillips Jessica Morden Jessica Toale Jim Dickson Jim McMahon Jo Platt Jo Stevens Jo White Joani Reid Jodie Gosling Joe Morris Joe Powell Johanna Baxter John Grady John Healey John Slinger John Whitby Jon Pearce Jonathan Brash Jonathan Davies Jonathan Hinder Jonathan Reynolds Josh Dean Josh Fenton-Glynn Josh MacAlister Josh Newbury Josh Simons Julie Minns Juliet Campbell Justin Madders Kanishka Narayan Karin Smyth Karl Turner Kate Dearden Katie White Katrina Murray Keir Mather Keir Starmer Kerry McCarthy Kevin Bonavia Kevin McKenna Kim Leadbeater Kirith Entwistle Kirsteen Sullivan Kirsty McNeill Laura Kyrke-Smith Lauren Edwards Lauren Sullivan Laurence Turner Lee Barron Lee Pitcher Lewis Atkinson Liam Byrne Liam Conlon Lilian Greenwood Lillian Jones Linsey Farnsworth Lisa Nandy Liz Kendall Liz Twist Lizzi Collinge Lloyd Hatton Lola McEvoy Louise Haigh Louise Jones Lucy Powell Lucy Rigby Luke Akehurst Luke Charters Luke Murphy Luke Myer Luke Pollard Margaret Mullane Marie Tidball Mark Ferguson Mark Hendrick Mark Sewards Mark Tami Markus Campbell-Savours Martin McCluskey Martin Rhodes Mary Creagh Mary Glindon Matt Rodda Matt Turmaine Matt Western Matthew Patrick Matthew Pennycook Maureen Burke Maya Ellis Meg Hillier Melanie Onn Melanie Ward Miatta Fahnbulleh Michael Payne Michael Shanks Michael Wheeler Michelle Scrogham Michelle Welsh Mike Amesbury Mike Kane Mike Reader Mike Tapp Natalie Fleet Natasha Irons Navendu Mishra Neil Coyle Nesil Caliskan Nia Griffith Nicholas Dakin Nick Smith Noah Law Oliver Ryan Olivia Bailey Olivia Blake Pam Cox Pamela Nash Pat McFadden Patricia Ferguson Patrick Hurley Paul Davies Paul Foster Paul Waugh Perran Moon Peter Dowd Peter Kyle Peter Lamb Peter Prinsley Peter Swallow Polly Billington Preet Kaur Gill Rachel Blake Rachel Hopkins Rachel Reeves Rachel Taylor Richard Baker Richard Quigley Rosie Wrighting Rupa Huq Rushanara Ali Ruth Cadbury Ruth Jones Sadik Al-Hassan Sally Jameson Sam Carling Sam Rushworth Samantha Dixon

Samantha Niblett Sarah Champion Sarah Coombes Sarah Hall Sarah Jones Sarah Owen Sarah Russell Sarah Sackman Satvir Kaur Scott Arthur Sean Woodcock Seema Malhotra Shabana Mahmood Shaun Davies Simon Lightwood Simon Opher Siobhain McDonagh Sojan Joseph Sonia Kumar Stella Creasy Stephanie Peacock Stephen Kinnock Stephen Morgan Stephen Timms Steve Race Steve Reed Steve Witherden Steve Yemm Sureena Brackenridge Taiwo Owatemi Tanmanjeet Singh Dhesi Terry Jermy Tim Roca Toby Perkins Tom Collins Tom Hayes Tom Rutland Tony Vaughan Torcuil Crichton Torsten Bell Tracy Gilbert Tristan Osborne Tulip Siddiq Uma Kumaran Valerie Vaz Vicky Foxcroft Warinder Juss Wes Streeting Will Stone Yasmin Qureshi Yuan Yang Yvette Cooper Zubir Ahmed

#uk gov #uk politics #uk parliament #politics #vote #wankerwatch

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wankerwatch · 4 months ago

Text

Commons Vote

On: King's Speech (Motion for an Address): Amendment (k)

Ayes: 85 (75.0% LD, 6.0% Ind, 6.0% RUK, 4.8% PC, 4.8% Green, 2.4% SDLP, 1.2% APNI) Noes: 382 (97.9% Lab, 1.0% DUP, 0.3% SDLP, 0.3% Ind, 0.3% UUP, 0.3% TUV) Absent: ~183

Individual Votes:

Ayes

Liberal Democrat (63 votes)

Adam Dance Al Pinkerton Alex Brewer Alison Bennett Andrew George Anna Sabine Ben Maguire Bobby Dean Brian Mathew Calum Miller Cameron Thomas Caroline Voaden Charlie Maynard Charlotte Cane Chris Coghlan Christine Jardine Claire Young Clive Jones Daisy Cooper Danny Chambers Ed Davey Edward Morello Freddie van Mierlo Gideon Amos Helen Maguire Ian Roome Ian Sollom James MacCleary Jess Brown-Fuller John Milne Josh Babarinde Joshua Reynolds Layla Moran Lee Dillon Lisa Smart Liz Jarvis Luke Taylor Manuela Perteghella Marie Goldman Martin Wrigley Max Wilkinson Mike Martin Monica Harding Olly Glover Paul Kohler Pippa Heylings Rachel Gilmour Richard Foord Roz Savage Sarah Dyke Sarah Gibson Sarah Green Sarah Olney Steff Aquarone Steve Darling Susan Murray Tessa Munt Tom Gordon Tom Morrison Victoria Collins Wera Hobhouse Will Forster Zöe Franklin

Independent (5 votes)

Adnan Hussain Ayoub Khan Iqbal Mohamed Jeremy Corbyn Shockat Adam

Reform UK (5 votes)

James McMurdock Lee Anderson Nigel Farage Richard Tice Rupert Lowe

Plaid Cymru (4 votes)

Ann Davies Ben Lake Liz Saville Roberts Llinos Medi

Green Party (4 votes)

Adrian Ramsay Carla Denyer Ellie Chowns Siân Berry

Social Democratic & Labour Party (2 votes)

Claire Hanna Colum Eastwood

Alliance (1 vote)

Sorcha Eastwood

Noes

Labour (373 votes)

Abena Oppong-Asare Abtisam Mohamed Adam Jogee Adam Thompson Afzal Khan Alan Campbell Alan Gemmell Alan Strickland Alex Baker Alex Ballinger Alex Barros-Curtis Alex Davies-Jones Alex Mayer Alex McIntyre Alex Norris Alice Macdonald Alison Hume Alison McGovern Alison Taylor Alistair Strathern Allison Gardner Amanda Hack Amanda Martin Andrew Cooper Andrew Gwynne Andrew Lewin Andrew Pakes Andrew Ranger Andrew Western Andy MacNae Andy Slaughter Angela Eagle Angela Rayner Anna Dixon Anna Gelderd Anna McMorrin Anna Turley Anneliese Midgley Apsana Begum Baggy Shanker Bambos Charalambous Barry Gardiner Bayo Alaba Beccy Cooper Becky Gittins Bell Ribeiro-Addy Ben Coleman Ben Goldsborough Bill Esterson Blair McDougall Brian Leishman Bridget Phillipson Callum Anderson Calvin Bailey Carolyn Harris Cat Eccles Cat Smith Catherine Atkinson Catherine Fookes Catherine McKinnell Catherine West Charlotte Nichols Chi Onwurah Chris Bloore Chris Bryant Chris Curtis Chris Elmore Chris Evans Chris Hinchliff Chris Kane Chris McDonald Chris Murray Chris Vince Chris Webb Claire Hazelgrove Claire Hughes Clive Betts Clive Lewis Connor Naismith Connor Rand Damien Egan Dan Aldridge Dan Jarvis Dan Tomlinson Daniel Francis Daniel Zeichner Danny Beales Darren Jones Darren Paffey Dave Robertson David Baines David Burton-Sampson David Pinto-Duschinsky David Smith David Taylor David Williams Dawn Butler Debbie Abrahams Deirdre Costigan Derek Twigg Diana Johnson Douglas Alexander Douglas McAllister Ed Miliband Elaine Stewart Ellie Reeves Elsie Blundell Emily Darlington Emily Thornberry Emma Foody Emma Hardy Emma Lewell-Buck Emma Reynolds Euan Stainbank Feryal Clark Fleur Anderson Florence Eshalomi Frank McNally Gareth Snell Gen Kitchen Georgia Gould Gerald Jones Gill German Gordon McKee Graeme Downie Graham Stringer Grahame Morris Gregor Poynton Gurinder Josan Hamish Falconer Harpreet Uppal Heidi Alexander Helen Hayes Helena Dollimore Henry Tufnell Hilary Benn Ian Byrne Ian Lavery Ian Murray Imogen Walker Imran Hussain Irene Campbell Jack Abbott Jacob Collier Jade Botterill Jake Richards James Asser James Frith James Murray James Naish Janet Daby Jas Athwal Jayne Kirkham Jeevun Sandher Jeff Smith Jen Craft Jenny Riddell-Carpenter Jess Asato Jess Phillips Jessica Morden Jessica Toale Jim Dickson Jim McMahon Jo Platt Jo Stevens Jo White Joani Reid Jodie Gosling Joe Morris Joe Powell Johanna Baxter John Grady John McDonnell John Slinger John Whitby Jon Pearce Jon Trickett Jonathan Brash Jonathan Davies Jonathan Hinder Jonathan Reynolds Josh Dean Josh Fenton-Glynn Josh MacAlister Josh Newbury Josh Simons Julia Buckley Julie Minns Juliet Campbell Justin Madders Kanishka Narayan Karin Smyth Karl Turner Kate Dearden Kate Osamor Kate Osborne Katie White Keir Mather Kenneth Stevenson Kerry McCarthy Kevin Bonavia Kevin McKenna Kim Johnson Kim Leadbeater Kirith Entwistle Kirsteen Sullivan Kirsty McNeill Laura Kyrke-Smith Lauren Edwards Lauren Sullivan Lee Barron Lee Pitcher Leigh Ingham Lewis Atkinson Liam Byrne Liam Conlon Lilian Greenwood Lillian Jones Linsey Farnsworth Lisa Nandy Liz Kendall Liz Twist Lizzi Collinge Lloyd Hatton Lola McEvoy Lorraine Beavers Louise Haigh Louise Jones Lucy Powell Lucy Rigby Luke Akehurst Luke Charters Luke Murphy Luke Myer Luke Pollard Margaret Mullane Maria Eagle Marie Rimmer Marie Tidball Mark Ferguson Mark Hendrick Mark Sewards Mark Tami Markus Campbell-Savours Marsha De Cordova Martin McCluskey Martin Rhodes Mary Creagh Mary Glindon Matt Bishop Matt Rodda Matt Turmaine Matt Western Matthew Patrick Matthew Pennycook Maureen Burke Maya Ellis Meg Hillier Melanie Onn Melanie Ward Miatta Fahnbulleh Michael Payne Michael Shanks Michael Wheeler Michelle Welsh Mike Amesbury Mike Kane Mike Reader Mike Tapp Mohammad Yasin Nadia Whittome Natalie Fleet Natasha Irons Naushabah Khan Naz Shah Neil Coyle Neil Duncan-Jordan Nicholas Dakin Nick Smith Nick Thomas-Symonds Noah Law Oliver Ryan Olivia Bailey Olivia Blake Pam Cox Pamela Nash Pat McFadden Patricia Ferguson Patrick Hurley Paul Foster Paul Waugh Paula Barker Paulette Hamilton Perran Moon

Peter Dowd Peter Kyle Peter Lamb Peter Prinsley Peter Swallow Phil Brickell Polly Billington Preet Kaur Gill Rachael Maskell Rachel Blake Rachel Hopkins Rachel Taylor Rebecca Long Bailey Richard Baker Richard Burgon Richard Quigley Rupa Huq Rushanara Ali Ruth Cadbury Ruth Jones Sadik Al-Hassan Sally Jameson Sam Carling Sam Rushworth Samantha Dixon Samantha Niblett Sarah Champion Sarah Coombes Sarah Edwards Sarah Hall Sarah Russell Sarah Sackman Sarah Smith Satvir Kaur Scott Arthur Sean Woodcock Seema Malhotra Shabana Mahmood Sharon Hodgson Shaun Davies Simon Lightwood Simon Opher Sojan Joseph Sonia Kumar Stella Creasy Stephanie Peacock Stephen Doughty Stephen Morgan Stephen Timms Steve Race Steve Reed Steve Witherden Steve Yemm Sureena Brackenridge Tahir Ali Tanmanjeet Singh Dhesi Terry Jermy Tim Roca Toby Perkins Tom Collins Tom Hayes Tom Rutland Tonia Antoniazzi Tony Vaughan Torcuil Crichton Torsten Bell Tracy Gilbert Tristan Osborne Tulip Siddiq Uma Kumaran Valerie Vaz Vicky Foxcroft Warinder Juss Wes Streeting Will Stone Yuan Yang Yvette Cooper Zarah Sultana Zubir Ahmed

Democratic Unionist Party (4 votes)

Carla Lockhart Gavin Robinson Jim Shannon Sammy Wilson

Social Democratic & Labour Party (1 vote)

Colum Eastwood

Independent (1 vote)

Alex Easton

Ulster Unionist Party (1 vote)

Robin Swann

Traditional Unionist Voice (1 vote)

Jim Allister

#uk gov #uk politics #uk parliament #politics #vote #wankerwatch

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perfecttimeseleven · 4 years ago

Audio

episode 2 is coming out tomorrow enjoy some bloopers from @bastardhour and @cuteandquirkyfunandflirty

#terrible #bloopers #perfect times eleven #px11 #Rupert morello #jay mazziotta

18 notes · View notes

perfecttimeseleven · 4 years ago

Link

Perfect Times Eleven Ep. 2 TRANSCRIPT

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

(REMINGTON’s writing something down on a sheet of paper. She puts her pen down and lifts it up.)

REMINGTON

(putting her pencil down)

There. I think that’s it.

(DR. MORELLO takes the sheet of paper.)

DR. MORELLO

Oh, yes. These look good. Harvest, Ocean, Create, Change, Fight, Art, Family, Freedom...Joyce? Do you mean, like, the given name Joyce?

REMINGTON

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s Joyce.

DR. MORELLO

Not “choice” or “joy” or something?

JAY

Boyce? Like the actor in Jessie? RIP.

DAISY

(loudly, from another room)

What about, like, “guys” but in a really weird accent? Like, goiys?

REMINGTON

Nope. Uh, Joyce.

JAY

Hey, uh...

DR. MORELLO

What?

JAY

Nah, it’s probably unrelated.

DR. MORELLO

Um. Well, it’s a good leaping off point. Joyce, or whatever the word actually is, can be the first word you concentrate on.

REMINGTON

The word is Joyce.

DR. MORELLO

Jay here can lead you through how to do it.

REMINGTON/JAY

What?

JAY

Hey, you know I’ve been having some trouble with my head people...

DR. MORELLO

Which is exactly why you could use the practice.

REMINGTON

Jay? W-We’re paying good money — I assume — for you. The doctor. Not the random kid.

DR. MORELLO

She works as an, uh, unpaid intern. Remington, this is a seven-day retreat. Did you really think I, personally, would have the strength to lead you in everything twenty four-seven? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check on Daisy and take my medications.

REMINGTON

Oh! Okay, yeah, that’s...that’s kinda important.

(DR. MORELLO gets up and exits.)

JAY

Why the…pastels…on the shirt?

REMINGTON

For fuck’s sake, I can’t believe you’re nagging on my outfit when your friend Daisy is dressed like a goddamn tie-dye Fruit Rollup.

DAISY

(loudly, from another room)

It’s gay wrath month, dipshit.

JAY

Okay, man, I don’t wanna be here and you don’t either. So let’s just get this over with.

REMINGTON

Or we could take a break.

JAY

A break? From learning vital information about literal voices in your head?

REMINGTON

C’mon, lighten up a little! I’m spending the week here, so let’s, ah,

(leans in, makes a clicking noise with her mouth)

get to know each other.

JAY

What?

REMINGTON

Like, okay. Hmm...

(trying to think of an icebreaker)

when did you first become Dr. Morello’s patient or unpaid intern or whatever?

JAY

Uh, after my mom died in a fire that burned down our house.

(Beat.)

REMINGTON

Oh. Oh, shit. Um. Sorry.

JAY

Don’t be. You didn’t kill her.

(Beat.)

JAY

Dr. Morello’s been taking care of me since.

REMINGTON

That’s nice of him.

(Beat.)

Nice shirt.

JAY

Oh! You…you’ve seen Daisies?

REMINGTON

Ha! No. What do you take me for, an intellectual? The shirt makes you look angsty and hot. I mean, the movie I don’t give a shit about.

JAY

Oh, well, blame me for thinking complimenting a shirt that’s got nothing but a film still on it means you’ve seen the fucking film.

REMINGTON

I didn’t say nice screenshot, dumbass, I said nice shirt.

(Beat.)

JAY

You’re a little shit, you know that?

REMINGTON

Yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

(4. No Room.)

REMINGTON

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE?

WITH…MOODY VIBES AND SLICKED BACK HAIR?

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WHO LOOK LIKE 80S FEMME FATALES?

GIRLS WITH CHIPPED BLACK NAIL POLISH AND A SCINTILLATING GLARE?

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WHO COULD BEAT ME UP?

AND, BY THE WAY SHE’S LOOKING AT ME, PROBABLY WOULD?

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WHO COULD FORGET ME IN A WEEK

AND, KNOWING MYSELF, PROBABLY SHOULD?

RELATIONSHIPS ARE SHIT. LOVE IS A HOAX.

LOVE WILL BETRAY YOU AND LEAVE YOU OUT TO DRY.

ONLY THREE PEOPLE ACCOMPANY ME FROM BIRTH UNTIL DEATH:

ME, MYSELF, AND I!

AND, WELL, THE PEOPLE IN MY HEAD.

CALL ME SELFISH! WELL, IT’S TRUE.

GOT NO ROOM IN MY HEAD FOR YOU.

JAY

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WHO THINK THEY’RE THE SHIT?

WHO FLIRT WITH EVERYONE THEY SEE?

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS I ALSO WANNA PUNCH IN THE FACE

THE MOMENT THEY GET A BIT CLOSE TO ME?

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WHO BEHAVE

LIKE A 2000S HIGH SCHOOL SITCOM TROPE?

WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS WHO ARE DUMB AND SHALLOW?

GIRLS WHO LACK ALL COMMON SENSE BUT STILL HAVE HOPE?

FEELINGS ARE SHIT. LOVE IS A HOAX.

LOVE WILL KICK YOU IN THE SHINS, SPIT IN YOUR EYE!

ONLY THREE PEOPLE ACCOMPANY ME FROM BIRTH UNTIL DEATH:

REMINGTON/JAY

ME, MYSELF AND I!

…AND THE PEOPLE IN MY HEAD.

CALL ME SELFISH! WELL, IT’S TRUE.

GOT NO ROOM IN MY HEAD FOR YOU.

SOME PEOPLE FIND ONE PERSON THEY GIVE HOURS OF THEIR LIFE TO.

ONE PERSON WITH WHOM THEY SHARE A BIT OF THEIR PRIME.

ONE PERSON TO CARE ABOUT MORE THAN THEMSELVES.

ONE PERSON WHO COULD BREAK THEIR HEART AT ANY TIME!

WHAT’S WORSE? MARRIAGE! GOD, THE LEVEL OF TRUST!

THE LEVEL OF ATTRACTION THAT EXCEEDS SIMPLE LUST!

ONE PERSON TO EXCHANGE VOWS WITH, ONE PERSON TO TIE YOU DOWN,

JAY

ONE PERSON YOU TRY TO CONVINCE YOURSELF WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND!

REMINGTON/JAY

IF ANYONE WERE TO

JAY

KILL YOU, LIE TO YOU,

REMINGTON

MOCK YOU, MAKE YOU FROWN,

REMINGTON/JAY

USE YOU, ABUSE YOU,

JAY

OR, ‘CAUSE OF A MESSED-UP KID, SKIP TOWN,

REMINGTON/JAY

DON’T YOU THINK IT’D BE THE PERSON YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN FOR?

LOVE’S THE BIGGEST LIE SOCIETY FEEDS US.

AND IF ANYONE COULD GET THAT, I FEEL LIKE SHE MIGHT

SHE KNOWS ONLY THREE PEOPLE ACCOMPANY YOU FROM BIRTH UNTIL DEATH:

ME, MYSELF, AND I!

REMINGTON/JAY

GOT NO ROOM IN MY HEAD FOR YOU.

GUESS THAT’S WHY I LIKE GIRLS WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING.

‘CAUSE I KNOW THEY WON’T CARE ABOUT ME.

EVEN IF THEY’RE ASSHOLES, THEY WON’T RUIN MY LIFE.

JUST FLIT IN AND OUT OF IT WITHOUT APOLOGY.

ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

(There are sounds of DAISY moving around in a kitchen, baking cookies. DR. MORELLO enters.)

DAISY

Oh, hey!

DR. MORELLO

Oh, that looks pristine.

DAISY

(endearingly at freshly baked tray of cookies)

Ohh, she is.

(looks up at DR. MORELLO)

Escaped the masses?

DR. MORELLO

(tired)

Tell me why is it I have to put up with teenage girls for hours on end again? No offense to you. You’re the most bearable of the three.

DAISY

It’s your job.

DR. MORELLO

Ah.

(DAISY puts on oven mitts and heads over to the oven, before opening the oven and taking out another tray of perfect, round, golden-brown sugar cookies.)

DR. MORELLO

Oh, that smells phenomenal!

DAISY

(taking the tray to the counter)

Look at us. Aren’t we little housewives. Making some cookies for them as they probably are making out outside.

DR. MORELLO

“Making out”? Oh, Daisy, get your mind out of the gutter.

DAISY

(getting plates) Better get used to the thought. It’s gonna be reality sooner or later if it hasn’t happened already and you know it.

(DR. MORELLO pauses and sighs.)

DR. MORELLO

I do hope you’re wrong. I don’t like the looks of that girl. Jay acts all tough, but she’s already been through so much...

(pauses)

Are you all right, by the way? I know none of us expected this, but —

DAISY

I’m fine.

(sets a plate in front of DR. MORELLO)

Really. Hey, do you want to try one of these? I upped the amount of vanilla extract, so...don’t hesitate to tell me if I’ve committed an atrocity against mankind.

(DR. MORELLO takes a bite.)

DR. MORELLO

Oh, no, delicious as ever! Keep up the good work. I’ll go ahead and order pizza for dinner — cheese is safe?

DAISY

Cheese is safe.

(louder)

Hey, Remy Ratatouille, do you like cheese?

REMINGTON

(loudly, from another room)

Of course I do! What kind of depraved life do you assume I lead?

(DAISY shrugs at DR. MORELLO, who nods.)

DR. MORELLO

Cheese is safe.

(DR. MORELLO exits. 5. Sugar Cookies.)

DAISY

SUGAR COOKIES!

EDIBLE GLITTER ON TOP.

BOUGHT IN A COLOR CALLED “HOLOGRAPHIC SKY.”

GOT THE LAST JAR OF IT STILL LEFT IN THE SHOP;

GRABBED IT RIGHT BEFORE A REAL TOUGH-LOOKING GUY.

BEING HOMESCHOOLED IN A WAY,

I’VE FOUND ACTIVITIES TO WASTE MY DAY,

MY FAVORITE OF WHICH, I HAVE TO SAY,

IS MAKING SUGAR COOKIES!

(starting to spread the frosting onto the cookies)

SUGAR COOKIES!

THEY’RE GLUTEN FREE!

HAVEN’T MADE SUCH A BIG BATCH IN A WHILE.

WELL, IT’S A LITTLE EXTRA. Y’KNOW, FOR THE NEW KID

IN THE WEIRD SUIT, WITH THE WEIRD SMILE

WHO’S EXACTLY JAY’S CUP OF TEA.

GOD, WHEN WILL SOMEONE MY TYPE SHOW UP FOR ME?

SOMEONE TO IMPRESS WITH MY ONLY SKILL IN LIFE:

MAKING SUGAR COOKIES.

AND I’LL TRY TO KEEP IT OUT OF MY MIND THAT SHE’S AN ELEVEN.

BREATHE IN THE SMELL OF GRANULATED SUGAR INSTEAD!

IF I MEASURE THIS RIGHT, THEY’LL TASTE LIKE HEAVEN!

THE FROSTING’S GOTTA BE

AT THE RIGHT CONSISTENCY.

LET’S SEE HOW MANY I STILL NEED TO FROST!

(counting)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...11. God!

AND I’LL TRY NOT TO THINK OF WHAT THAT NUMBER IMPLIES.

SPREAD SOME GLITTER. “HOLOGRAPHIC”! GREAT, YES, JUST A PINCH.

STOP THINKING THIS GIRL’S DOOMED TO AN INEVITABLE DEMISE?

PUT THEM ON A PLATE ALL PRETTY — GOD, I’M FEELING SHITTY!

SUGAR COOKIES!

I CAN MAKE ‘EM WHOLE-GRAIN!

TRY TO MAKE SURE I’M NOT GOING INSANE!

SUGAR COOKIES ALL FOR THE GUEST —

HOPE YOU STAY ALIVE LONGER THAN THE REST!

STAY OUT OF SIGHT, DON’T MEDDLE, YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I’D SUGGEST!

AND OH...TAKE A SUGAR COOKIE.

#transcript #perfect times eleven #px11 #ep 2 #daisy noxx #rupert morello #jay mazziotta #Remington long

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perfecttimeseleven · 4 years ago

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Perfect Times Eleven Ep. 1 TRANSCRIPT

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

REMINGTON

Goddamn it! You really think tying a tie wouldn’t be this hard.

VOICE FROM PHONE

And that, my friends, is how you tie a tie!

REMINGTON

(overlapping)

No! No it’s not! Fuck you!

VOICE FROM PHONE

Hope you found this video helpful. Hit up that “like” button below and don’t forget to subscribe to my channel for more pro bro tips from Menswear Mike! Hang tie-ght. Haha, get it? Just a little joke for ya on this fine Menswear Mike Monday morning.

(REMINGTON grabs her phone and turns the video off.)

REMINGTON

Shit. Ah.. maybe if... nope. That’s worse. Is that a zit? God hates me.

(exhales)

My name is Remington Long and I am here because I hear eleven voices in my head and a teacup chihuahua tried to claw my eye out — no. That’s too on the nose.

(pauses)

My name is Remington Long! How are you? I’m perfectly sane! Fuck. Uh...yeah, no. I’m already talking to a mirror. Who’s gonna believe that? Okay. My name is Remington Long, and oh, heavenly therapist, please bestow the blesséd knowledge upon me so I can maybe, maaaaybe have a shot at normal life. Except, y’know, my life’s already fine, except sometimes animals attack me, I guess, like the chihuahua from yesterday. So I actually don’t know why the hell my parents are paying you. But yes! My name is Remington Long and I’m here for a heaping helping of therapy! Fuck yeah! Ugh.

(1. Therapy Upstate.)

REMINGTON

THERAPY. THERAPY UPSTATE.

IT’S UNFAIR TO ME. Here, I’ll give it to ya straight —

WELL, KIDS, YOU KNOW YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU’RE REALLY PSYCHO

WHEN YOU’RE FORCED TO HIKE OVER TO DELAWARE COUNTY FOR

THERAPY UPSTATE.

I’VE LIVED FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS LIKE THIS! I THINK I’VE GOT THE HANG OF IT BY NOW.

DON’T NEED SOME PRETENTIOUS PRICK’S USELESS SHIT ABOUT MEDITATION OR HOW

TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS WILL MAKE EVERYTHING SO, SO MUCH BETTER!

PLUS, HE’LL PROBABLY BE OLD AND WEAR ROUND GLASSES AND A TARTAN SWEATER.

Ugh, I can see it already, HE’LL SAY

”TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS” AND I’LL BE LIKE ”ERR, I GOT NONE!”

AND THEN WE’LL JUST SIT, STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A BIT

IN SILENCE TILL THE SESSION IS DONE.

Plot twist! WE’LL. FALL IN LOVE

HE’LL TREAT ME WELL BUT I’LL GET HIM FIRED

FOR HAVING RELATIONS WITH A MINOR —

Wait. No. I’m eighteen. I’m an adult. Shit.

A WHOLE ASS ADULT BEING MADE TO GO TO

THERAPY. THERAPY UPSTATE.

WHERE THERE’S TONS OF TREES AND ALL THE STORES CLOSE AFTER EIGHT.

I’M JUST CONSIDERING EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO IN AN ATTEMPT TO PREPARE ME,

SO I WON’T HAVE TO GO TO MORE THERAPY UPSTATE.

SO I’VE GOT VOICES IN MY HEAD! WELL, I CAN STILL HAPPILY EXIST!

I CAN’T EVEN HEAR THEM IF I KEEP THIS TACKY BRACELET ON MY WRIST.

AND EVEN WHEN I DO, THEY JUST...REPEAT ELEVEN RANDOM WORDS.

(REMINGTON unclasps her bracelet and it drops to the ground.)

REMINGTON’S VOICES

(jumbled and overlapping)

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM, JOYCE, TRADITION, BIRDS

REMINGTON

See? THEY AREN’T THAT ANNOYING AND THEY’RE QUITE EASY TO IGNORE

JUST LIKE REAL-LIFE PEOPLE THAT TO ME, KINDA BORE.

WHAT WOULD THIS THERAPIST KNOW THAT I DON’T ALREADY

ABOUT WHAT I’VE DEALT WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE? OH, YES, I’M FEELING PETTY ABOUT

THERAPY! THERAPY UPSTATE.

THEY SAY THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE

BUT I’M AN INDEPENDENT MAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN

TO SHARE ALL MY CARES WITH AT THERAPY UPSTATE.

I KNOW I’M A BURDEN! I DON’T WANNA BECOME MORE OF ONE!

STOP THROWING MONEY AT THIS! IT WILL NOT GO AWAY.

SAVE THOSE FUNDS FOR MY COLLEGE, OR, BETTER YET, ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT I WON’T GO TO COLLEGE, AND THAT IS OKAY!

I CAN BE NORMAL! I’LL DO FINE! I PROMISE! I PROMISE! I PROMISE.

THERAPY. THERAPY UPSTATE.

YOUR PARENTS SEE YOU CAN’T HANDLE YOURSELF...HOW GREAT.

IT’S A MARK ON THE CALENDAR TO CONFIRM THEY’VE RAISED

A DISAPPOINTMENT, A HOPELESS, CRAZED

FREAK WHO THEY HAVE TO CODDLE, WHO AIN’T GOING ANYWHERE AT THIS RATE!

OH, PLEASE HAVE SOME HOPE IN ME!

I DON’T NEED HELP TO COPE, YOU SEE!

DON’T WRITE SOMETHING FRIGHTFUL

ON MY PERMANENT RECORD OR I’LL NEVER GET A JOB I DON’T HATE!

OH, PLEASE, DON’T SEND ME TO THERAPY UPSTATE!

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

DR. MORELLO

Yes, uh, hello, Remington.

DAISY

Remington? That’s fucking wack! Remy, like the rat!

DR. MORELLO

Daisy. Language!

REMINGTON

Uh, hi.

DAISY

I’m Daisy, Ratatouille!

DR. MORELLO

My name is Dr. Morello.

REMINGTON

Yeah, uh, my parents told me about you.

DR. MORELLO

Good. This wasn’t what you expected, was it, dear?

REMINGTON

Oh. Uh, no. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very nice house, but yeah. Like I was expecting some really clinical looking...space? You are also not what I expected, but, uh, in a good way! This...is also...such a warm color scheme I’d never have imagined...

(catches herself going off topic)

It is very nice to meet you, Dr. Morello! How can you help with the, uh, voices in my head thing?

(pauses)

Shit. Sorry. I mean, shit, oh sh-...sorry. Shouldn’t have cursed. I didn’t mean like you’re seeking me out to help me, I’m the one seeking your help —

DAISY

You’re making it worse, nerd.

REMINGTON

Yeah, also there’s, uh, Daisy? Um, there’s children here. Didn’t expect that. Who? Why? Uh, who’s the other one?

DR. MORELLO

Ohh! Yes —

REMINGTON

Yes, there’s children here.

DR. MORELLO

Yes, yes. Remington, I would like you to meet my other patients. Come over here! Be polite!

JAY

Ugh.

DAISY

I said hi to her already!

JAY

Hi, I guess.

REMINGTON

Okay, I can respect a girl with a well-defined aesthetic —

JAY

Then why are you dressed like a sad lawyer?

DR. MORELLO

Kids, this is Remington’s first appointment, and you both know what that means.

DAISY

(bored)

I’ll get the fear-puke bucket.

REMINGTON

The what?

DAISY

Wait. Hold the phone. Hold on. Remington Long...Are you the kid who got attacked by the...

JAY

Oh, wait, yeah! Shiiiiiit!

(DAISY and JAY try to contain their laughter.)

DAISY

...teacup chihuahua?

(JAY doubles down in laughter.)

REMINGTON

(unamused)

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

DR. MORELLO

Kids, be nice. Okay, now this is Jay.

(DAISY and JAY calm down.)

REMINGTON

Who’s already mocked me twice. Good start. Hello.

JAY

(clears throat a little)

Hey —

DR. MORELLO

(interrupting)

Now that that’s out of the way —

DAISY

(exiting)

Fear-puke bucket time!

REMINGTON

Okay, what does that mean?

DR. MORELLO

(ignoring her)

— let’s get down to business. Now — That bracelet on your wrist. It’s the accessory you use to block the voices out, yes?

REMINGTON

Yeah.

DR. MORELLO

And when you take it off, can you describe what these voices are like?

REMINGTON

There’s like, a lot of them, and they just say words, I guess. It’s overlapping and each voice says a word, and then that just repeats, like, I don’t know, over and over, like —

JAY

Like a broken record in your brain.

REMINGTON

...Yeah. What she said.

(turning back to DR. MORELLO)

Wait, so all your patients have the same problem?

DR. MORELLO

Essentially, yes.

(pauses)

Of course, I do too.

REMINGTON

What?

(DAISY enters with a big yellow bucket, which she plunks in front of REMINGTON.)

DAISY

Fear-puke bucket time.

JAY

It’s always more like panic attack puke, if anything —

DAISY

Yeah, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it.

REMINGTON

What’s this for?

DAISY/JAY

Just in case.

REMINGTON

Of what?

DR. MORELLO

Remington, this isn’t some disease or disorder. You see, ah, living things have a soul, right?

REMINGTON

Okay, yeah, I guess?

DR. MORELLO

Well, souls don’t die with the living thing. They go on to inhabit another body.

REMINGTON

Reincarnation?

DR. MORELLO

Yes, some call it that. A transference of energy. A shift of...ah, physical matter around an entity, a...crowding of energies for space, a—

REMINGTON

Wack.

DR. MORELLO

Wack indeed, Remington.

REMINGTON

So my voices are some byproduct of, like, reincarnation?

DAISY

Sorta.

DR. MORELLO

If the soul lives a good, fulfilling, pure life — at least, as the books say — such a thing -- a “pure life” -- is hard to define, it gets reincarnated as human.

REMINGTON

And if it doesn’t?

JAY.

It turns into an animal.

REMINGTON

Damn, that’s rough.

DAISY

(to JAY)

She’s taking this surprisingly well.

DR. MORELLO

People who hear these voices are people whose souls have been reincarnated as human for several lifetimes in a row. The voices are remnants of previous human lives.

REMINGTON

So what you’re saying is voices mean there’s, like, dead people in your head?

DR. MORELLO

That’s putting it a little crassly, but...yes.

REMINGTON

So...there’s dead people in your head?

DR. MORELLO

Yes.

REMINGTON

All of you?

DAISY/JAY

Yeah.

REMINGTON

Me?

JAY

(a little irritated)

Yes!

REMINGTON

So this is some kind of therapy for dead-people-in-your-head...people? Fine. But why do these dead people say random words? Does it all mean anything? Am I just really stupid and not connecting some obvious dots?

JAY

Yes.

(DR. MORELLO stands up. 2. Dead-People-In-Your-Head People.)

DR. MORELLO

NOW, A SOUL MOVES FROM BODY TO BODY,

BUT EACH LIFE LEAVES ITS TRACE.

A SINGLE WORD FOR EACH HUMAN

TOO OFTEN THOUGHT ABOUT TO ERASE

NOW WHEN SOULS HAVE BEEN REINCARNATED

AS HUMAN SEVERAL TIMES IN A ROW

IT GETS TO THE EXTENT WHERE THE SOUL IS SO HUMAN,

ITS HOST HEARS ECHOES OF LONG AGO.

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

EVERYONE’S GOT DEAD PEOPLE IN THEIR HEADS, PEOPLE!

JAY

ONLY WE’RE THE LUCKY BASTARDS WHO CAN HEAR ‘EM.

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

THERE’S NO WAY TO MAKE ‘EM GO AWAY!

DAISY

NO MAGIC PILL, POTION, OR SERUM!

JAY

SO USE THEM TO YOUR ADVANTAGE IF YOU’RE NOT A LITTLE BITCH —

DR. MORELLO

Jay!

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

WE’RE ALL DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE

DAISY

AND THOUGH IT SOUNDS A BIT DARK,

WE’VE JUST INHERITED SOULS FROM PURE AND WHOLESOME

FOLKS WHO’D CLEAN UP LITTER IN THE PARK!

REMINGTON

OH, SO USE THEM TO YOUR ADVANTAGE SINCE THEY’RE ALL LITTLE BITCHES —

DR. MORELLO

No! WHAT JAY MEANT IS WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM.

YOU’LL FIND THEY’RE NO MYSTERY!

IF YOU

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

CONCENTRATE ON ONE WORD,

DR. MORELLO

YOU CAN UNLOCK A HISTORY.

WE’RE TIES BETWEEN GENERATIONS

WHO OBSERVE AND PRESERVE

THIS SOUL’S UNTAINTED PURITY

SO WE GET THE NEXT LIFE WE DESERVE!

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

WHEN YOU’RE DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE,

No pressure, but your past lives all were really good...

WE’RE SORTA RARE, SO WE’D SORTA CARE

TO NOT GO EXTINCT...UNDERSTOOD?

DR. MORELLO

SO WE ALL CONSIDER BEING MORE SELFLESS...

JAY

NOTE THE KEY WORD THERE IS “CONSIDER”!

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

WHEN YOU’RE DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE,

YOU’RE WORKING FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE!

THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO EXPLORE;

WE’VE BARELY SCRATCHED THE SURFACE!

BUT, BEFORE WE START, HERE’S THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION...

DR. MORELLO

How many voices are in your head?

REMINGTON

Eleven.

DAISY

Holy shit.

JAY

Are you sure you’ve counted right?

REMINGTON

Yeah, I’m fucking sure I’ve counted right after 18 years of counting! What’s so weird about eleven?

JAY

Nothing. You just beat my record of ten.

REMINGTON

SO I GUESS I’M A

DEAD-PERSONS-IN-MY-HEAD PERSON!

I’M GLAD TO BE JOINING THE TEAM.

I’LL TRY TO CALMLY ACCEPT I’M AN ANOMALY

AND NOT FEAR-PUKE OR SCREAM!

I’M READY TO GET STARTED WITH THIS THERAPY!

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

Yeah!

SHE’S A DEAD-PERSONS-IN-HER-HEAD PERSON

JAY

Having eleven isn’t problematic at all!

DAISY

SHUT UP, YOU CUCK!

PETER

IT’S JUST OUR LUCK

THAT YOUR PARENTS GAVE ME THAT CALL

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

‘CAUSE NOW, YOU’RE HERE WITH US!

ALL

AND WE’RE ALL

DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE!

EACH HOUSING A VERY NICE SOUL.

THOUGH WE’VE GOT DIFFERENT NUMBERS,

WE’RE ALL PARTS OF A WHOLE!

DR. MORELLO

DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE,

DR. MORELLO/JAY

DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE,

DR. MORELLO/JAY/DAISY

DEAD-PEOPLE-IN-YOUR-HEAD PEOPLE...

REMINGTON

THERE’S DEAD PEOPLE IN MY HEAD!

DR. MORELLO/JAY/DAISY

OH YES, THERE’S DEAD PEOPLE IN HER HEAD!

WHY STRESS? THERE’S DEAD PEOPLE IN HER HEAD!

GOD BLESS! THERE’S DEAD PEOPLE IN HER HEAD!

#transcript #px11 #perfect times eleven #Remington long #Rupert morello #jay mazziotta #daisy noxx #episode 1

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perfecttimeseleven · 4 years ago

Link

PERFECT TIMES ELEVEN EP. 4 TRANSCRIPT

ACT ONE SCENE SIX

(REMINGTON enters.)

DAISY

Hey, Remy Ratatouille.

REMINGTON

Hey, Linguini.

DAISY

Unlocked her full tragic backstory?

REMINGTON

You could say that, yes. Where did she go?

DAISY

Listen, this probably isn’t what you want to hear right now, but I’d say let her cool down for a while. It’s been a...day.

REMINGTON

It’s been a day!

(looks around, seeing the door to the balcony)

Can I go onto the balcony? I need some air.

DAISY

Knock yourself out.

(REMINGTON bursts out dramatically onto the balcony, shutting the door behind her. She steps forward, looking over into the backyard, seeing something strange.)

REMINGTON

Oh — oh fuck! Oh fuck! Uh— What the fuck?

(from the backyard)

Are you Remington Long?

REMINGTON

Who are you and why are you in the backyard? Why are you holding a pizza? Are you the Domino’s angel?

Remington! Go long!

(HP tosses the pizza. REMINGTON catches it.)

REMINGTON

(staring in awe at the pizza, then back at HP)

You are the Domino’s angel...

(There’s an almost firecracker-like popping noise where HP is, and then a popping noise close to REMINGTON.)

REMINGTON

Oh! How — how did you do that? You were there...and then ... just here... I mean...you were far, far away and now you’re so...close...

(now, indeed, quite close)

Are you Remington Long?

REMINGTON

Why, yes, I am Remington Long. Who’s asking?

(grabbing REMINGTON’s face with both hands, before leaning in and inspecting it, smushing REMINGTON’s face a little)

Good! I knew it.

REMINGTON

Your hands are so fucking cold.

(HP lets go of REMINGTON.)

My dear Eleven, you are so so so so so so so so so much more than you realize!

REMINGTON

Eleven? Like eleven voices? How the fuck did you know that?

(points at the box of pizza)

Pizza! Here. For you. Take it. Good. Enjoy! See you soon.

REMINGTON

Wait, who...are you?

I’m HP. I think.

REMINGTON

HP? Like the printer? Or Harry Potter?

Nononono. “...Honorary...Perfectionist.” For now, I’m the pizza man! With the pizza! For you. Byeeeeeeeee!

(HP heads to the balcony stairs.)

REMINGTON

Hey, uh, this isn’t cheese. They said they got cheese pizza! This is spinach! Hey, uh, on your shirt — that’s not tomato sauce...

(farther away)

No refunds ‘cause the pizza guy was stabbed!

(HP heads down the stairs with the gait of a five-year-old heading to the ball pit.)

REMINGTON

Ahh, that makes sense.

(fully digesting the info, before rushing after HP)

Wait, what? Stabbed?

Yeowch! Stabby stabby.

REMINGTON

The fuck? Hey! Wait up!

(HP runs into some bushes. REMINGTON follows him down into the backyard. HP has left. She looks around the bushes he ran into but there’s nothing there.)

REMINGTON

(to self)

Where the fuck did he go? Are these bushes Narnia?

(REMINGTON sticks her head into the bushes but all she gets is a mouthful of leaves.)

REMINGTON

The fuck?

(REMINGTON shudders, before running across the backyard)

REMINGTON

(louder)

Hey, uh, guys?

(making her way up the stairs)

Dr. Morello? Daisy? Jay?

(REMINGTON runs across the balcony and exits into the house.)

ACT ONE

SCENE SEVEN

(There are sounds of paper being shuffled when the balcony door opens loudly. REMINGTON enters, holding the pizza. She’s out of breath.)

REMINGTON

(gasping for air)

Daisy!...There you are!...

(DAISY sees that REMINGTON’s looking at the papers. She quickly stashes them into her hoodie pocket.)

DAISY

Remy? What the hell happened? Why are you...covered in leaves and despair like you went chasing after an evil Hozier? Is that the pizza?

REMINGTON

Hold on...let me catch my breath.

(lightly confused)

Wh...what are you doing?

DAISY

Uh, just cleaning out your guest bedroom. Where did you come from?

(REMINGTON points off stage, breathless.)

REMINGTON

Backyard.

DAISY

And you’re winded by that set of tiny stairs?

(REMINGTON nods silently.)

REMINGTON

Daisy, a...a sexy printer man disappeared into the bushes!

DAISY

A what?

REMINGTON

A sexy printer man...

(finally seems to recover)

...he gave me this pizza. And said he stabbed the pizza guy.

DAISY

Uh, he what?

REMINGTON

And then he was just gone!

(JAY and DR. MORELLO enter.)

DR. MORELLO

What’s going on?

DAISY

(very confused)

Remy says she saw a guy who stabbed a pizza man or something and then vanished...I don’t even know.

REMINGTON

Yeah! He called himself, like, “Honorary Perfectionist”?

(There’s a pause.)

REMINGTON

What is it? Do you guys know him or something?

JAY

No, but “Perfectionist” is...

DR. MORELLO

‘Perfectionist” is a word used to describe people like us. In the same way you have coined us “dead-people-in-your-head people”. But it’s used by not-so-nice folks, in a not-so-endearing way...

DAISY

(summarizing)

If someone calls you a Perfectionist, beat them up.

DR. MORELLO

What did this man look like? Be as descriptive as you can.

REMINGTON

Ooh. Okay, this one is a doozy. So he was kinda dressed like a delivery man, but fucked up. Real fucked up. Like he was alligator wrestling or some shit. He was wearing like, one of those mesh shirts, you know? Like the kind you wear to music festivals and shit? I actually own the same one, no cap — it has roses and angels on it and it says, umm, like, “Not Your Baby” or some shit like that — and he had some sort of holographic skirt, maybe? It was super torn up. And then the Domino’s jacket over all of that. He had no shoes, though, and this, like, colorful, chunky scarf, and just — random shit everywhere. Like, tied bits of fabric on his arms and legs and weird earrings and chunky bead bracelets and it was just a lot. And he had these sunglasses —- like sun-shaped novelty sunglasses, and his eyes were dark dark blue like oceans in the North and I felt I could drift on them forever.

Also, he was covered in blood, kinda.

(DAISY and DR. MORELLO sigh.)

DR. MORELLO

That’s actually a pretty good description, I suppose. Did you say anything to him?

REMINGTON

Oh, definitely not anything big. Only confirmed my name was Remington Long and that I was an Eleven.

(More sighing.)

DR. MORELLO

God. Uh. Okay. Remington, you have to be very, very cautious of this man, understand?

REMINGTON

Why? He seems chill.

DAISY

Sis, you yourself just said he was covered in blood.

DR. MORELLO

Remington, throughout, ah, the ages, there have always been those opposed to our kind. Wherever there are witches, there will be witch hunters.

REMINGTON

There are witches? —

DR. MORELLO

There are no witches. I — I was trying to be...ah. Profound, I suppose. Ah.

(pauses)

I need you to stay inside for the rest of your time here. Let us know immediately if you see this man again.

REMINGTON

Aren’t we going to go after him or something?

JAY

We don’t just go after people who call themselves Honorary Perfectionists. This guy is a threat, but we don’t know enough about him.

DR. MORELLO

(motioning to the pizza)

Did he give you this?

REMINGTON

Uh, yeah. It’s spinach, though, not cheese. Not the most evil of pizza flavors, unless you factor in the evil fate is directing at you when someone gets your order wrong.

JAY

Don’t change the subject. Listen. They know who you are now. It’s not the time to be an idiot.

REMINGTON

When is idiot o’clock then?

JAY

Shut up. You’re an Eleven. Elevens don’t get the luxury of fooling around or they end up dead.

DAISY

(surprisingly loudly)

Well, fuck you!

DR. MORELLO

Daisy!

JAY

(shouting back)

Hey, no, fuck him!

DR. MORELLO

Jay!

REMINGTON

(lost)

Fuck me?

DR. MORELLO

Remington!

DAISY

Asshole!

(DAISY storms out.)

DR. MORELLO

Daisy!

JAY

(annoyed)

Come on.

DR. MORELLO

We’ll have dinner later, it looks like. If you kids hadn’t gotten everything so heated...

(sighs)

Meanwhile, Jay, do you have your...?

JAY

Yeah.

(JAY digs around in her pockets and produces a switchblade.)

REMINGTON

Do you carry a switchblade around?

(to self)

God, that’s so hot.

JAY

What?

REMINGTON

What?

DR. MORELLO

We’ll go scout the backyard, check if everything is safe and see where he got in and out. Remington, stay inside.

REMINGTON

All righty.

(DR. MORELLO and JAY exit.)

ACT ONE

SCENE EIGHT

(DAISY is sobbing quietly. The door creaks open. REMINGTON enters, before sitting down next to DAISY. DAISY wipes at her face, still sniffling a little.)

REMINGTON

Daisy! Hey, you all right?

DAISY

Y-yeah.

(DAISY composes herself and sits upright.)

REMINGTON

So, uh, Dr. Morello said something about video games? I’m morally opposed to gamers but I’m up for whatever.

DAISY

Yeah, take a look. They’re in there.

(DAISY points at a cupboard under the TV. REMINGTON walks over and opens it, revealing lots of boxed discs. She flips through them thoughtfully.)

REMINGTON

(pulling out a box triumphantly)

Just Dance. Three.

DAISY

N...no. Why?

REMINGTON

(starting to jive terribly)

You scared of my superior dance moves?

DAISY

(relaxing)

Heh. Not at all.

(DAISY jumps up and grabs the box, pulling out the disc and inserting it into the player.)

DAISY

Fine. But I pick the song.

(DAISY turns on the TV, grabs two Wii remotes, and tosses one to REMINGTON. They flick through some songs.)

REMINGTON

Lollipop by MIKA! Fuckin’ bops only, bitch.

DAISY

What, this is the kind of music you listen to? Thought you’d be all up in that Oh Hellos or Lumineers type shit.

REMINGTON

The dark academia look is a facade. High score “ravenclaw”? Is that you?

DAISY

Nah, I’m there in second: “hufflepuff”. We got this in the height of our collective Harry Potter phase — I was in fourth grade, I think.

(to self, almost)

I was “hufflepuff”, he was “ravenclaw”, Jay was “jay” because she was a buzzkill —

REMINGTON

Who’s “he”?

DAISY

What? Oh. My brother. Mark. He…left. Let’s do this.

REMINGTON

For MIKA!

DAISY

For MIKA!

(clicks a button)

Here, put in your name.

REMINGTON

I’ll go with the theme. “can i slytherin”. There.

(The game starts up. DAISY and REMINGTON begin to jive along.)

DAISY

(out of breath)

You’re…so…not…into…it!

(There’s a little chime noise.)

REMINGTON

What’s that?

DAISY

You…got…a…star.

REMINGTON

(innocently)

Well, if you’re so much more into it, why didn’t you?

DAISY

Touché.

(A couple seconds later, DAISY also gets a star.)

REMINGTON

Ayy!

DAISY

Ayy!

(They both stop dancing. REMINGTON walks forward and pauses the game.)

REMINGTON

(turning to DAISY)

Look, I’m sorry for asking about Mark. He’s none of my business.

(DAISY sits down.)

DAISY

(quietly)

The weird thing is, he’s exactly your business.

(pauses)

He is…he was, I should say…an Eleven.

REMINGTON

(sitting down next to her)

Oh. Well, shit! That’s quite nice to know! Where’s he now?

DAISY

He passed away.

REMINGTON

Oh. I’m sorry.

(pointing to DAISY’s beanie)

That his hat?

DAISY

What? Oh. Yeah. He was a hardcore fan in middle school.

REMINGTON

All the best people had a Harry Potter phase. I mean, J.K. may be a gross TERF and antisemite, but...

DAISY

Yeah.

REMINGTON

(points to DAISY’s hoodie pocket)

Are those his drawings? I mean, I’m guessing my guest bedroom was his?

DAISY

Yeah.

(taking one out)

I’m impressed; you only saw these for a second.

REMINGTON

Oh, it’s a drawing of you! He’s good.

DAISY

Yeah. Hey, uh, don’t tell Dr. Morello or Jay, okay? They hate him.

REMINGTON

Why do they hate him?

DAISY

Because of him, a house...kinda burned down. That’s how he died, too.

REMINGTON

Oh. Damn. That sucks.

DAISY

Yeah, it sure does. After that incident, everything changed. Dr. Morello’s convinced there’s danger around every corner. Forget high school, forget college — we have “enemies” out there or God knows what. Geez. My life’s a fricking shitshow.

(8. Why Me?)

DAISY

I’M SEVENTEEN AND A BIT,

ON THE BRINK OF ADULTHOOD,

ON THE BRINK OF FALLING APART.

I’M SEVENTEEN AND IT’S SHIT,

‘CAUSE NONE OF THE ADULTS WOULD

TAKE ANYTHING I SAY TO HEART,

SO I JUST FADE INTO THE BACKGROUND

OF THIS JADED LIVING ROOM.

I PLAY VIDEO GAMES, HANG WITH JAY

IN THIS HOUSE THAT FEELS LIKE A TOMB.

I’M SEVENTEEN AND LIFE’S A BORE

WHEN, UNLIKE YOUR TEENAGE PEERS,

THERE’S NOTHING WAITING FOR YOU IN LIFE, SOMEHOW.

I’M SEVENTEEN AND IT’S A CHORE

TO THINK, IN THIRTY YEARS,

I’LL STILL BE EXACTLY WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW!

STUCK WITH THE SAME HOUSE, THE SAME BACKYARD,

AND THE SAME DRAB FURNITURE.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I’LL BE MUCH MORE

TIRED OF IT ALL, THAT’S FOR SURE!

AND I WONDER “WHY ME?”

LIFE’S REALLY JUST FRICKIN’ HELL

WHEN YOU’RE THE LATEST SHELL

FOR A SOUL THAT’S LIVED LIVES WELL.

GOD, WHY ME?

CHOSEN TO THROW MY WHOLE LIFE AWAY

TO MAINTAIN THIS SOUL’S GRADE A

STATUS! A MORTAL APPARATUS TO DECAY!

I’M SEVENTEEN AND IT’S SAD

BECAUSE THAT’S SO MUCH FARTHER ALONG

THAN MY BROTHER HAD A CHANCE TO GET.

I’M SEVENTEEN AND IT MAKES ME MAD

WHEN PEOPLE SAY HE WAS SO WRONG

FOR DOING WHAT HE DID AND YET

I DON’T BELIEVE THEY HAD ANY BETTER

JUDGEMENT THAN HIM WHEN THEY WERE FOURTEEN!

THINGS ARE EASY TO SEE IN BLACK AND WHITE.

THAT’S NOT HOW THINGS SHOULD BE SEEN!

I’M SEVENTEEN AND I FEAR

THAT SOMEDAY I MIGHT FORGET HIM,

AND GOD, WHO ELSE HAS HE GOT?

I’M SEVENTEEN AND EVERY YEAR —

WELL, THIS IS GRIM,

BUT ON MY BIRTHDAY, I FEEL HE OUGHT

TO BE THE ONE INSTEAD OF ME

CELEBRATING HIS YOUTH.

HE’D BE NINETEEN IF HE WERE HERE TODAY!

THE TRUTH IS

SOMETIMES I WONDER “WHY ME?”

YEAH, IT MIGHT SOUND CLICHE,

BUT I WONDER WHERE I WAS THAT DAY

AND SOMETIMES I PRAY

THAT IT HAD BEEN ME INSTEAD.

WHY ME?

THE WORLD LEADS KIDS DOWN THE WRONG ROAD,

BUT I SHOULD’VE BEEN THERE FOR HIM ALL ALONG, SO,

IN SOME WAY, I’M TO BLAME.

DID I NOT SEE ANY WARNING SIGN?

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO GODDAMN BLIND?

IN A WAY, IT WAS MY FAULT HE BURNED DOWN THAT HOUSE.

‘CAUSE DID HE NOT TRUST IN ME ENOUGH TO SHARE

OR DID HE THINK THAT I WOULDN’T CARE?

REGARDLESS, I WILL TAKE MY VOWS

TO TREASURE EVERY MEMORY

‘CAUSE I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW HIM AS HE WAS.

CAN’T LEAVE THE STORYLINE TO THEM OR HE

WILL BE WRITTEN AS A VILLAIN AND THUS

YOU LEARN NOT TO ASK “WHY ME?”

LIFE IS FUNNY, IN A WAY,

WHEN IT CHOOSES WHO LEAVES AND WHO GETS TO STAY,

BUT HE’D SAY SOMETHING CHEESY LIKE “STAY STRONG, DAZE;

I TRUST YOU.”

YOU DON’T ASK “WHY ME?”

YOU HOARD THE LAST REMNANTS OF HIS LIGHT.

YOU HOLD HIS HAT, HIS DRAWINGS, SO DAMN TIGHT!

‘CAUSE IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO ELSE MIGHT REMEMBER?

#transcript #daisy noxx #remington long #honorary perfectionist #Rupert morello #jay mazziotta #px11 #perfect times eleven #podcast #podcasts #musical #musicals

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perfecttimeseleven · 4 years ago

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PERFECT TIMES ELEVEN EP. 3 TRANSCRIPT

ACT ONE

SCENE FIVE

(REMINGTON and JAY are still seated at the living room table. REMINGTON is leaning forward with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands, bored. JAY is leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling, frustrated.)

REMINGTON

I can’t do it. All the voices are too loud, and the “Joyce” one is quiet as shit. It’s like, I‘m listening for “Joyce”, right, but out of nowhere another voice is like “Birds!” and I’m all like “Fuck!”

JAY

(fed up, without looking at REMINGTON)

Try again. It might help if you say “Joyce” along with the voice.

REMINGTON

Can’t you demonstrate? I really won‘t judge.

JAY

(still not looking at REMINGTON)

No.

REMINGTON

C’mon, just take off your little ring there — I’m guessing that’s the accessory you use and just...do your magic.

JAY

No.

(REMINGTON lets her head fall onto the table, exasperated. Jay lifts up a foot and is about to kick her hair when REMINGTON suddenly raises her head again.)

REMINGTON

Were you about to kick my hair?

JAY

Maybe. Maybe not.

REMINGTON

Better have been maybe not. My hair is my best feature. You should get it. I mean, you have lots of good features — like girl, you’re fucking hot — but your hair is pristine.

JAY

Thanks?

REMINGTON

You know what I don’t get?

JAY

(lowering her foot)

A lot of things.

REMINGTON

(ignoring JAY)

Why animals attack me. Is that…normal? I get that it was the sign I needed help with this, but…

JAY

You’re not special. Animals sense the “perfection” in us. In the whole several-human-reincarnations-in-a-row thing. Stay away from zoos.

REMINGTON

Hm. Come on, show me how to do the thing —

JAY

(betrayed)

No!

REMINGTON

Please! I’m really stupid. You’re smart and beautiful and experienced in this and beautiful. I’ll owe you one. Plus, your sugar daddy Dr. Morello’s gonna be pissed if we spent all this time sitting here and accomplished nada.

JAY

Oh, God, please never string those words together in that order again —

REMINGTON

And then he’ll dock your pay from nothing to less than nothing.

JAY

Oh, that makes so much sense. How would he be a hypothetical sugar daddy if he doesn’t pay me? That’s the opposite —

REMINGTON

Do you want your nonexistent salary to suffer, you sadistic bastard?

JAY

If I do it, will you stop talking?

REMINGTON

Probably will.

(JAY takes off her ring and places it on the table. The moment it leaves her hand, she winces.)

JAY

(in pain)

Aghh!

REMINGTON

(shocked)

Shit. Do I call 911?

JAY

(forcefully)

No. Just...watch this. Focus...

(pauses)

Here, this voice’s word is Clara...and then...say the word if it helps...

(pauses, gripping the table with both hands)

Clara...Clara...there. I’m in.

(With a painful movement, JAY grabs her ring. The moment she touches it, she relaxes.)

JAY

You’re welcome for that. Don’t fucking say a word.

(pauses)

Your turn.

(REMINGTON takes off her bracelet and places it on the table. 6. Love is a Constant.)

VOICES

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM, JOYCE, TRADITION, BIRDS.

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM.

REMINGTON/VOICES

JOYCE.

VOICES

TRADITION, BIRDS.

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM.

VOICES

TRADITION, BIRDS.

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM.

REMINGTON/VOICES

JOYCE.

VOICES

TRADITION, BIRDS. HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM.

REMINGTON/VOICES

JOYCE. JOYCE. JOYCE. JOYCE.

JAY

Remington? You good? Did it work?

REMINGTON

(strangely tenderly)

Joyce?

(Suddenly, REMINGTON lunges forward and hits JAY's hand. JAY drops her ring onto the table. Almost immediately, she freezes.)

JAY

(also incredibly tender, but even more shockingly because this is JAY we’re talking about)

Clara?

REMINGTON

(overjoyed)

Joyce!

JAY

(gently)

IS IT REALLY YOU? DO I DECEIVE MY MIND?

NEVER IN MY DAYS DID I THINK I WOULD FIND

A KIND OF LIFE AFTER DEATH, NEVERTHELESS YOU!

REMINGTON

Yes, Joyce! It’s me!

JAY

Clara!

REMINGTON

DO YOU RECALL THE EVENING WHEN WE FIRST MET?

JAY

OH, YES, I RECALL!

REMINGTON

AT THE GATE BETWEEN OUR GARDENS, RIGHT AT SUNSET?

AND YOU WORE THAT DRESS, CRIMSON,

JAY/REMINGTON

WITH THOSE BUTTONS LIKE FLOWERS?

REMINGTON

Yes!

JAY

I WAS TOO SHY AT FIRST TO EVEN TELL YOU MY NAME.

REMINGTON

YOU WERE SO SHY!

JAY

BUT WHEN YOU SMILED, MY FACE FLUSHED UP, AFLAME.

YOU MADE ME FEEL AT EASE.

REMINGTON/JAY

WE TALKED AND WROTE FOR HOURS.

WE’VE LIVED, WE’VE DIED, AND NOW WE’RE HERE!

NOT QUITE TOGETHER, BUT, MY DEAR,

WE CAN SEE LOVE IS A CONSTANT!

WE’VE LIVED, WE’VE DIED, AND NOW WE’RE HERE!

UNSURE WHERE THIS IS, BUT I HAVE NO FEAR

SINCE I KNOW LOVE IS A CONSTANT!

REMINGTON

I RECALL ALL THOSE SUITORS WHO’D COME TO YOUR DOOR,

AND

REMINGTON/JAY

WITH EVERY PASSING YEAR THERE’D SEEM TO BE MORE.

REMINGTON

I WAS BAFFLED WHY YOU STILL CHOSE TO SPEND YOUR AFTERNOONS

WITH ME.

JAY

OH, WELL, I WAS FORCED TO MARRY AFTER YOU PASSED.

A RICH MAN, OLD, BUT WITH MONEY AND CLASS

WE HAD NO CHILDREN. HE PASSED AWAY. I LIVED OUT THE REST OF MY DAYS LONELY.

REMINGTON/JAY

WE’VE LIVED, WE’VE DIED, AND NOW WE’RE HERE!

NOT QUITE TOGETHER, BUT, MY DEAR,

WE CAN SEE LOVE IS A CONSTANT.

WE’VE LIVED, WE’VE DIED, AND NOW WE’RE HERE!

UNSURE WHERE THIS IS, BUT I HAVE NO FEAR

SINCE I KNOW LOVE IS A CONSTANT!

LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE

LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE

LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE

LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE IS A CONSTANT, OH,

OUR LOVE

REMINGTON/JAY

I’D FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH I TRULY MISS

OUR TALKS, LONG AFTERNOONS, YOUR TENDER KISS

OH, WHAT I’D GIVE TO LIVE WITH YOU AS MY WIFE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND EMBRACE ME, MY LOVE

FORGET THESE HIDEOUS BODIES WE’RE TRAPPED INSIDE OF

OH, HOW I’VE YEARNED FOR YOUR TOUCH ALL MY LIFE.

VOICES

OOH, LOVE IS THEIR CONSTANT...

(Someone is knocking at the door between the kitchen and the living room. It’s DAISY.)

DAISY

Remy? Jay?

(DAISY knocks again.)

VOICES

OOH, LOVE IS THEIR CONSTANT

DR. MORELLO

Are they still in there?

DAISY

I’m pretty sure. Hang on. Guys?

(DAISY knocks a couple more times, louder.)

VOICES

OOH, LOVE IS THEIR CONSTANT

(DR. MORELLO and DAISY enter to see REMINGTON and JAY embrace.)

DR. MORELLO/DAISY

Janette!/Remy fuckin’ Ratatouille!

(DR. MORELLO immediately notices JAY’s ring and REMINGTON’s bracelet on the table. He grabs JAY’s ring and shoves it in her hand. DAISY takes REMINGTON’s bracelet and does the same. JAY instantly snaps out of her trance.)

JAY

Holy —! God! Remington!

(pushing REMINGTON off of her. REMINGTON stumbles a little, almost falling off the table.)

REMINGTON

Shit!

JAY

What the hell was that?

(JAY quickly slips the ring onto her finger, evidently very embarrassed. REMINGTON regains her footing.)

REMINGTON

Eh, who cares. Let’s pick up where they left off —

DR. MORELLO/DAISY/JAY

No!

DR. MORELLO

Remington! Jay! Get down from the table immediately. Sit down!

REMINGTON

(noticing DR. MORELLO and DAISY for the first time)

Oh, shit. Hello. Sorry.

(REMINGTON and JAY make their way down back to their chairs. DAISY nudges DR. MORELLO.)

DAISY

See, I hate to say “I told you so”, but I told you so.

DR. MORELLO

Kids, what happened here?

(There’s a pause.)

REMINGTON

I think we got possessed. By dead lesbians.

DR. MORELLO

Oh.

REMINGTON

The word is most definitely Joyce now though. She’s, uh, she’s got Joyce.

JAY

You know how one of my voices is, uh, named Joyce? And how her word is Clara? She’s Clara.

REMINGTON

I guess Joyce and Clara knew each other back in the day...both in the literal and, uh, biblical sense...

DR. MORELLO

There’s really no need for profane hand motions. Go on.

REMINGTON

And then, well, we ended up in a situation when both of our accessories were off —

JAY

You mean your accessory was off and then you slapped mine out of my hand.

REMINGTON

Clara slapped it out of your hand. Anyway, then we got possessed.

DR. MORELLO

Okay.

REMINGTON

Yeah. Um...what do your big doctor brains think about that?

DR. MORELLO

I...I have never seen anything like this before...but I’m guessing the explanation is actually quite simple.

JAY/REMINGTON

What?

DR. MORELLO

The word a voice says is its most recurring thought manifesting itself as an imprint on the soul. Now, a person has to be quite important to someone if they’re, quite literally, all they think about. And for that to be something going both ways...these ladies certainly had an exceptional bond.

DAISY

Star-crossed gal pals.

DR. MORELLO

Yes. Soulmates, if you will.

JAY

Hold up. “Soulmates” as in Clara and Joyce were just one in a billion, or “soulmates” as in my soul and Remington’s soul?

DR. MORELLO

We have no way of knowing right now, but from what I think — well, this is quite a rare case, especially the fact that an echo of a previous life was able to take over the current host...I’d conclude that, yes, you are “soul-mates”, quite literally.

REMINGTON

So! How ‘bout it, eh, soulmate?

JAY

(ignoring REMINGTON)

That can’t be a real thing, can it?

REMINGTON

Only one way to find out!

DR. MORELLO

Now, seeing as you have actually uncovered some important information, you may have recreational time for the rest of the evening. I need to look deeper into this. Uh, there’s some video games in the cabinet. I’ll be in my office upstairs. Also, I was going to come in here to let you know we’re having pizza for dinner. It should be coming in half an hour.

DAISY

And I made sugar cookies.

(DR. MORELLO leaves dizzily. He looks like he has a headache.)

REMINGTON

Swell! Some quality soulmate time?

JAY

Someone get her away from me.

(DAISY looks back and forth from JAY to REMINGTON. She’s a smart kid. She knows when she should leave people alone.)

REMINGTON

Oh, I get it. You’re too good for me.

DAISY

I’m...gonna head out.

(DAISY exits.)

JAY

Listen, kid, you don’t know shit about me. I don’t know shit about you. It’s better if it stays that way. I don’t know what he’s talking about with this soulmate shit, but I do know that you don’t want to get involved with me and my life.

REMINGTON

Oh, ha. ’Cause you’ve got some kind of “issues”?

(JAY is silent.)

REMINGTON

Wow. Damn, I didn’t know someone could be this angsty in real life. With your wearing-all-black deal and e-girl hair and ear piercings and shit? Ooh, I bet you pierced them yourself with, like, the finger bone of a shark you strangled or something.

JAY

Sharks don’t have fucking fingers. And no; I got them pierced at a mall Claire’s when I was 11.

REMINGTON

(finding this funny)

Off brand, but okay —

JAY

Yeah. Fucking loved Claire’s. Still do. What about it?

(There’s a pause.)

REMINGTON

(quietly)

Nothing. Claire’s is valid. You’re a lady of fine taste.

(REMINGTON and JAY are silent for a moment.)

REMINGTON

They called our bodies “hideous”. Did you hear that?

JAY

Yeah, that was uncalled for.

(They both chuckle a bit awkwardly.)

REMINGTON

Sorry for earlier. It was my fault.

JAY

(tensing back up)

Yeah, it was.

REMINGTON

You could’ve told me listening to your voices...hurt.

(pauses)

How does that even work?

JAY

Didn’t tell you ‘cause I knew you’d ask that.

(pauses, before sighing)

I’m...in a peculiar situation. See, once the voices started to manifest in my soul’s earlier hosts, they...joined groups, or organizations. Similar to this one, but more serious. Cult-ish, almost. They’d dedicate their shitty lives to preserving the goodness of the soul to continue the line of human hosts. One organization like that a good half of my voices was involved with — it was large and thriving and would track down new hosts.

REMINGTON

That’s cool, but why does that...cause pain?

JAY

See, look past the single word a voice presents itself as and you “unlock” the memories of that person. Over time, the more you listen to them, the more they become an interactive collection of memories — almost a voice that reacts to your thoughts.

REMINGTON

So you can talk to them?

JAY

I guess.

REMINGTON

Wack.

(pauses)

Still don’t get why that causes pain.

JAY

We’re humans. We’ve got a limited view of morality that’s shaped by our society. Our perception of “good” or “bad” is probably different than what ultimately is considered by the universe as “good” enough to give a soul a human life. And...some of my voices have views of good or bad that are...incredibly outdated.

REMINGTON

(knowingly, slyly)

Ohhhh.

JAY

What?

REMINGTON

Your voices probably tell you to...ah...hee hee.

JAY

(more frustrated)

What?

REMINGTON

To, ah,

(pauses)

Pray the gay away —

JAY

God.

REMINGTON

They detect your sinful lusty thoughts about the incredibly attractive woman sitting across from you and go “oh, no, dear Janette —“

JAY

Oh God.

REMINGTON

Yeah, don’t pretend I didn’t hear that! “Oh, Janette, you mustn’t! Thinking about holding hands before marriage was already stepping on the line, but this? Oh! Unacceptable!”

JAY

No.

(pauses)

Though in a weird way, you’re on the right track.

REMINGTON

Ha!

JAY

Not like that.

(pauses)

It’s a lot of things, combined. See, I, ah,

(sucks air through teeth, evidently uncomfortable)

don’t fully identify as female, I think. I mean, I use female pronouns, but...I don’t know. I don’t fucking know because I don’t have room to figure out who I am. Don’t even have my fucking brain to myself. It started when I was a kid, but, throughout the years, it’s just gotten worse and worse and now — they just...scream at me. And it’s fucking loud. It’s so fucking loud.

(7. Bad Luck.)

JAY

IF I THINK I’M SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT I’VE TOLD THE WORLD I AM,

I’VE GOT TEN VOICES TELLING ME OTHERWISE.

IF I DON’T EXACTLY STRIKE MYSELF AS A WOMAN OR A MAN,

EACH ONE OF THEM DOESN’T HESITATE TO PULVERIZE

WHATEVER CONCEPTION OF MYSELF I HAVE AN INKLING OF

THAT DOESN’T FIT THEIR TINY MIND.

YOU’RE LUCKY YOU HAVEN’T FREED YOUR VOICES YET.

YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND!

THESE TEN SUCKERS HAVE WASTED THEIR YEARS

LIVING LIKE BEES IN A HIVE,

TRAINED TO MAINTAIN THE SOUL’S PURITY.

WHAT A TERRIBLE WAY TO STAY ALIVE!

THEY’RE STUCK UP, SHITTY PEOPLE —

REMINGTON

EVEN JOYCE?

JAY

EVEN JOYCE.

YOU KNOW, IT FUCKING SUCKS TO BE A "CHOSEN ONE"

‘CAUSE IT JUST MEANS YOU NEVER GET ANY CHOICE!

THEY SAY "JAY! YOU’RE PART OF A LEGACY!”

“JAY! WITH YOUR HELP, WE’RE GONNA GO SO FAR!”

“JAY! THIS IS YOUR DESTINY!”

“C’MON, JUST PLAY YOUR TINY ROLE IN PRESERVING THIS SOUL.”

“JAY! YOU MUST STAY CLEAN AND PURE!

A HUMAN REINCARNATION WE GOTTA GUARANTEE!"

WELL, SORRY YOU GOT A HOST SO IMMATURE —

IT WAS YOUR BAD LUCK TO GET STUCK WITH ME.

AS A KID, I’D DO ANYTHING TO REBEL.

I’D STEAL SHIT AND I WOULD LIE.

I WAS A BIT OF AN ATTENTION WHORE, IF YOU COULDN’T TELL

AND I BET YOU CAN GUESS WHY.

TO PISS OFF THE VOICES, OF COURSE, JUST FOR FUN!

I’D NEVER REALLY BEEN FORGIVING.

THEY CALLED ME "ABOMINATION" SO I GAVE THEM ONE.

BEING AT WAR WITH YOURSELF’S A NEAT WAY OF LIVING.

OH, AND WAY BACK WHEN I WAS FOUR,

MY FATHER LEFT MY MOM AND ME.

HE THOUGHT I WAS A FREAK OR A BURDEN OR A CHORE;

MOST LIKELY, SOME COMBO OF THE THREE.

MY HOUSE GOT SET ON FIRE A FEW YEARS BACK

BUT THERE’S NO TIME FOR THAT STORY.

SUMMARY: MY MOM PERISHED IN THAT ATTACK.

IT WAS DEPRESSING AND A BIT GORY,

SO EVERYONE GOES

"JAY, WE’RE SO SORRY ABOUT IT!"

WELL, I DON’T NEED YOUR BULLSHIT APOLOGY!

AND DO YOU REALLY CARE HOW I FEEL? I DOUBT IT.

DREAM ON, YOU CUCK. YOU’RE FRESH OUTTA LUCK.

"JAY! YOU DIDN’T DESERVE IT!"

WHAT’S SAD IS I DON’T AGREE

NO ONE’S GOT THE GUTS TO ADMIT IT WAS JUST

THEIR BAD LUCK TO GET STUCK WITH ME!

I’M NATURE’S BAD LUCK CHARM.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, STAY AWAY FROM HARM.

UNLESS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR YOUR LIFE TO GET WORSE,

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I’M NATURE’S BAD LUCK CHARM.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, STAY AWAY FROM HARM.

YOU GOTTA TRUST ME ON THIS; IT’S LIKE A CURSE

SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

I’M NATURE’S BAD LUCK CHARM.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, STAY AWAY FROM HARM.

UNLESS YOU WANNA END UP A CORPSE IN A HEARSE,

LEAVE ME ALONE!

I’M NATURE’S BAD LUCK CHARM.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, STAY AWAY FROM HARM.

YOU GOTTA TRUST ME ON THIS; IT’S LIKE A CURSE

SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

"JAY! YOU’RE PART OF A LEGACY!”

“JAY! WITH YOUR HELP, WE’RE GONNA GO SO FAR!”

“JAY! THIS IS YOUR DESTINY!”

“C’MON, JUST PLAY YOUR TINY ROLE IN PRESERVING THIS SOUL.”

JAY! WHAT A FUCKED UP KID! ON THAT, EVERYONE CAN AGREE!

JAY! OH, I’M SORRY YOU DID,

BUT IT WAS BAD LUCK TO GET STUCK WITH ME.

(gesturing to REMINGTON, imitating her)

"JAY! DON’T YOU WANNA HANG OUT?”

“JAY! C’MON, LET’S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER!"

(to REMINGTON)

CAN’T YOU GET MY SIGNS OR DO I HAVE TO SHOUT

“MOVE ON BECAUSE I’M JUST A WASTE OF YOUR TIME!’

"JAY, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO RUDE?"

I’M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU! CAN’T YOU SEE?

ANYONE AND EVERYONE I LOVE IS SCREWED!

IT’S ALWAYS BAD LUCK TO GET STUCK WITH ME!

#perfect times eleven #transcript #px11 #jay mazziotta #remington long #Rupert morello #daisy noxx #musical theatre #musicals #podcast

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perfecttimeseleven · 4 years ago

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PERFECT TIMES ELEVEN EP. 5 TRANSCRIPT

ACT ONE

SCENE NINE

REMINGTON

I can’t believe Jay eats pizza with a fork. I man, I can’t believe we seriously just ate the HP-delivered pizza, either — but there’s just a lot to process here.

(DAISY takes another bite of her slice.)

DAISY

Free pizza’s free pizza, my dude.

REMINGTON

Cheers to that.

(REMINGTON raises her glass of lemonade and clinks it against DAISY’s glass of juice. JAY, feeling a little apologetic, hesitantly raises her glass of milk towards DAISY’s glass, but DAISY puts her glass down, making a face at JAY.)

DAISY

Milk-drinkers need to be oppressed.

JAY

(sipping from her glass of milk, before putting it down)

Our bones are stronger than yours.

DAISY

Hey, uhh, guess what? You’re a cuck.

REMINGTON

(changing the subject)

Um, so you all didn’t find anything outside?

DR. MORELLO

The man you claim to have seen —

REMINGTON

The man I most definitely saw.

DR. MORELLO

— seems to have vanished without a trace.

(pauses)

But now that we’re aware this hypothetical man —

REMINGTON

This very real man —

DR. MORELLO

— knows of our — your whereabouts, we must remain incredibly vigilant.

REMINGTON

Well, is there anything you can tell me about the, ah, bad people? You see, I can’t help but worry a little about...well, anyone going after my life.

DR. MORELLO

All you need to know about the threat is how to keep yourself safe.

DAISY

The classic “keep your doors and windows locked, stay off your phone, don’t talk to strangers who say they’ve stabbed pizza guys” kinda deal.

REMINGTON

Okay, but —

DR. MORELLO

Now, Remington, I’ve been talking with Jay.

REMINGTON

Uh —

DR. MORELLO

She’s already agreed to this, but...essentially, I think it would be beneficial, tomorrow morning, to try to recreate the possession incident from today. Under close guidance, of course. It’s in all ways extraordinary, and I think this soulmate bond holds a lot of mystery and possibility. Tomorrow’s a big day. Accordingly, I want you both to get some sleep as soon as possible. Meaning, now.

REMINGTON

What —

DAISY

Wait, c’mon! I still need to show Remy embarrassing videos of Jay on my phone!

JAY

(splutters, almost choking on her pizza)

The what?

DR. MORELLO

Daisy, go show Remington to her room.

DAISY

Ugh, fine.

(DAISY and REMINGTON get up and exit.)

DR. MORELLO

Take the plates, Daisy.

(DAISY enters.)

DAISY

Ugh, fine.

(DAISY picks up her plate and REMINGTON’s plate, before exiting.)

DR. MORELLO

Jay...

JAY

You’ve gotta be kidding.

(pauses)

Me, too?

DR. MORELLO

Yes.

(With a dramatic rolling of her eyes, JAY grudgingly picks up her plate and exits. DR. MORELLO picks up the now-empty pizza box and his own plate, before exiting the other way.)

ACT ONE

SCENE TEN

REMINGTON

Okay, why the fuck are there so many Jay Mazziottas on Instagram?

(scrolls a bit more)

I give up.

(tosses the phone onto the carpet)

Goodnight!

(then, to herself)

Goodnight!

(REMINGTON puts her phone on the table and turns off the lamp, before crawling into her blankets and falling asleep. Cricket chirps, birdsong, and noises of traffic fill the air. REMINGTON bolts upright in her bed.)

REMINGTON

(looking around)

The fuck kinda dream is this?

Hello, Remington Long!

(REMINGTON turns around, seeing HP)

REMINGTON

(initially shocked)

Ack!

(hopping off the bed)

Hey, sexy printer man! I’m in my jammies!

I see! I am not a fan of the Jeff man on your shirt. Dinosaur man.

REMINGTON

You don’t like Jeff Goldblum? The fuck is wrong with this dream?

(looking around)

Whatever. Uh, I don’t know why we’re in Central Park but let’s not question my subconscious. There’s a bed here and we both know where this dream is going to go so come down here and let’s just get to it.

What?

REMINGTON

(to self)

Shit, are my lucid dream powers not working? Do I need to eat more almonds?

Silly Remington, I am not a figment of your imagination!

REMINGTON

You see, that’s exactly what a figment of my imagination would say.

I’m here to finish our little chit-chat from earlier. Chit-chat fun times. Okay?

REMINGTON

Uh, I’m not supposed to talk to you, figment of imagination or otherwise, all righty? “Perfectionist” is a slur or something, and you’ve stabbed a pizza man, and…yeah. So if this dream isn’t going in the, uh, desirable direction, I’m not too interested. I’m gonna wake up now.

You can’t.

REMINGTON

Watch me!

Silly Remington, I am really here. Don’t you understand that?

(REMINGTON pauses.)

REMINGTON

Well, shit.

(pauses)

Did you make us appear in Central Park too?

No, no, silly, that’s your imagination. As is that scantily clad person in your dream who has been trying to get our attention —

REMINGTON

Is that Jay?

DREAM JAY

(waving)

Yoo-hoo, hot stuff!

REMINGTON

No, no, don’t go —

I’m just crashing your regularly scheduled dream; that’s a thing I can do. And a thing you can too.

REMINGTON

First, huge invasion of my privacy. Wait, what? I can — ?

You can do all sorts of fun shit if you put your mind to it, baby! That’s why Dr. Morello’s scared of you. He wants to lock you up in his cottage forever like his other pets so you never learn shit.

REMINGTON

Okay, but what’s “shit?” And, uh, make this quick.

(furtively looks offstage for DREAM JAY)

I have dream business to attend to.

Anything you put your mind to. You’re an Eleven, Remington. We’re “high numbers”.

(gestures dramatically)

With the imprints of more lifetimes, more history, more knowledge, and more potential.

(There’s a pause. HP freezes in his dramatic gesture, waiting for a response.)

REMINGTON

You’re gonna have to dumb this down a lot more for me, buddy.

Ahh, let’s say every Perfectionist has a little tear in the wall in the back of their mind, okay? And what’s behind that is shiny cool stuff. Well, for high numbers, the tears are wider and more fragile. To get to the shiny cool stuff, you just have to break the wall entirely!

REMINGTON

Uhh, okay. And how do you do that?

You stay away from the kind of old artifacts that keep your voices out.

REMINGTON

You mean, you’ve got no accessory on? You’re just living 24/7 with your voices? Damn. No wonder you’re a little out of it.

Yes! They’re here now, actually. They’re just staying quiet until I need some fancy backing vocals.

REMINGTON

Some what?

Is that bracelet the accessory you use?

REMINGTON

Uh, yeah.

(HP grabs REMINGTON’s wrist, lifting it up and gazing at it. He hisses at the bracelet.)

REMINGTON

You good?

(HP lets go of REMINGTON, suddenly backing up. 9. Welcome to Your Mind.)

THAT THING KILLS THE VOICES, AND ALONG WITH THEM, EVERYTHING ELSE!

IT TRAINS YOUR BRAIN TO MORPH INTO A BUNCH OF JAIL CELLS.

BUT, OF COURSE, THAT BRACELET ISN’T SOMETHING YOU’VE QUESTIONED! OOOH,

BUT IT’S DOING WHAT HIPPIE MOTHERS THINK ANTIDEPRESSANTS DO!

YOU’RE NO ORDINARY HUMAN! YOU’RE A PERFECTIONIST!

SO FORGET ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU’VE BEEN FED BY YOUR LITTLE THERAPIST!

IF YOU OPEN UP TO YOUR SOUL AND DITCH THAT NASTY AND TRAGIC

BRACELET, YOU’LL FIND YOU’VE GOT A TYPE OF ALMOST…MAGIC!

Just like what you thought HP stood for.

(in a terrible fake British accent, with hand motions)

“Harry Potter.”

(suddenly loud)

Yer a wizard, bitch! Ha!

WELCOME TO YOUR MIND, REMINGTON LONG!

JUST GIVE A SHOUT! KNOCK ON THE DOOR! RING THE LITTLE BELL — “DING DONG!”

CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT LIES INSIDE!

CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT LIES THEY HIDE!

OH, WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO YOUR MIND.

CENTURIES OF LIFETIMES IN THERE! ON THAT, WE CAN AGREE,

BUT MILLENNIUMS OF KNOWLEDGE IS WHAT YOU DON’T YET SEE!

WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO LEARN TO SET FIRES WITH JUST ONE THOUGHT

(motioning behind him as a tree bursts into flame)

OR TO HOP FROM DREAM TO DREAM? Like now! I’m in your head! Ha!

HP/HP’S VOICES

AREN’T YOU PISSED

THAT NO ONE TELLS YOU ANYTHING AT ALL?

IT’S BECAUSE, WITH A SNAP OF YOUR FINGERS, THEY’LL ALL FALL

AT YOUR KNEES! AND THEY’LL BEG, “OH, PLEASE, LET ME GO!”

YOU’LL LEARN IT’S FUN AS SHIT WHEN YOU CAN JUST TELL ‘EM “NO.”

WELCOME TO YOUR MIND, REMINGTON LONG!

SURE, THE VOICES HURT AT FIRST, BUT “WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU”…MAKES YOU STRONG!

CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET ALL OF YOU!

‘CAUSE WHEN YOU’RE LIKE US, IT’S THE THING TO DO!

OH, WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO YOUR MIND!

(The ground below HP’s feet starts rising up into the air until he’s a few feet above the ground.)

HP’S VOICES

WELCOME TO YOUR MIND!

STUPID HUMANS CONTROL NOTHING IN THEIR LIVES,

THOUGH THEY MIGHT TRY TO BY BUYING SOME GUNS OR SOME KNIVES.

YOU’VE SPENT YOUR WHOLE LIFE FEELING LIKE A PAWN.

I’VE BEEN THERE TOO, BUT NOW, THIS FEELING IS GONE!

WE’RE MORE THAN HUMAN, SO WHY NOT EMBRACE OUR POWER?

INFLICT THE PAIN YOU FEEL! MAKE THIS YOUR FINEST HOUR!

WHEN YOU’RE IN CONTROL, THERE’S NO VIRTUE OR SIN!

GOD ISN’T REAL, BUT IF HE WAS, WE COULD FIGHT HIM. AND WIN!

(A tree near HP explodes. There’s a chittering noise and a squirrel comes sailing out of the debris. HP catches it with one hand.)

OH, LOOK AT THIS! A SQUIRREL! I CAN MAKE IT EXPLODE!

(throws the squirrel upwards and it explodes in mid-air)

BABY, YOU’VE GOT NO CLUE ALL THE POWER THAT’S STOWED

IN YOUR MIND! YOU WILL FIND WONDER!

(making a bolt of lightning appear behind him, accompanied by a crash of thunder)

LIGHTNING! THUNDER!

TAKE CONTROL AND TAKE A STROLL DOWN YOUR TRUE DESTINED ROAD!

I FIND MOST PROBLEMS TEND TO DISAPPEAR

WHEN I SET THEM ON FIRE!

(making his hands light up with flames)

SO TRY THAT, MY DEAR!

THE PEOPLE AND THE ANIMALS INSIDE YOUR HEAD

CAN AND WILL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING THE WEAKLINGS DREAD!

(jumps down to the ground)

WELCOME TO YOUR MIND, REMINGTON LONG!

WHEN YOU CAN’T TELL GOOD FROM BAD, THAN CAN YOU REALLY DO ANY WRONG?

WELCOME TO YOUR MIND!

WELCOME TO YOUR MIND, REMINGTON LONG!

Interested? Meet me here.

(HP gives REMINGTON a small piece of paper.)

Until then…try it out!

(HP reaches both hands towards REMINGTON’s wrist.)

REMINGTON

Wait —

(It’s too late. HP’s removed her bracelet and is now holding it in one hand.)

ACT ONE

SCENE ELEVEN

REMINGTON’S VOICES

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM, JOYCE, TRADITION, BIRDS.

(HP runs off, dropping REMINGTON’s bracelet discreetly onto her bed. He exits.)

REMINGTON

(thinking HP took her bracelet)

Shit! Shit! Bitch, you took my bracelet!

REMINGTON’S VOICES

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM, JOYCE, TRADITION, BIRDS.

HARVEST, OCEAN, CREATE, CHANGE, FIGHT, ART, FAMILY, FREEDOM, JOYCE…JOYCE…JOYCE…

REMINGTON

No. No. Not Clara! No!

(Around REMINGTON and his bed, the set starts changing again.)

REMINGTON’S VOICES

JOYCE…JOYCE…JOYCE…JOYCE…JOYCE…

(REMINGTON’s surroundings have faded into the all-too-familiar living room. It’s dimly lit in warm yellow light. DR. MORELLO’s sitting on the couch, alone and typing on a computer he’s rested on his lap.)

REMINGTON

Hey! Dr. Morello!

(DR. MORELLO doesn’t react.)

REMINGTON

Dr. Morello? Can you hear me? Guess not. Huh.

(REMINGTON moves away from DR. MORELLO, inspecting the room. JAY enters.)

REMINGTON

Oh, yeah. Jaaaay! About time!

(REMINGTON approaches her, but JAY doesn’t acknowledge her presence. In fact, she walks right past her.)

REMINGTON

Jay! No! Pay attention to me!

DR. MORELLO

(closing his laptop)

Jay. Couldn’t sleep?

JAY

Nope.

REMINGTON

Uh, hello?

(JAY sits on the couch.)

JAY

This…soulmate thing.

REMINGTON

Oh, shit, they’re gonna talk about me.

JAY

I…don’t know how…

DR. MORELLO

(chuckling)

The girl physically repulses you? That’s understandable.

REMINGTON

Hey! Asshole!

(JAY pauses, standing up. She walks towards the TV.)

JAY

As much as I wish that were it...

(picking up the cover of the Just Dance 3 disc and looking at it)

it’s…leaning towards the opposite, actually.

REMINGTON

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It’s a good dream!

JAY

(turning back to face DR. MORELLO)

D’you think this…this all...

(JAY lifts up the disc cover silently. DR. MORELLO exhales.)

DR. MORELLO

(solemnly)

Will be another Mark situation? Jay, what happened back then was not…and never will be…your fault. The only one blaming you for that day is you.

JAY

Who’s blaming myself? I…I don’t blame myself. I blame him.

(tightening her grip on the disc cover, fingers digging into the plastic)

Fucking hate his guts!

REMINGTON

(whispered, to self)

Not the Just Dance 3 disc cover!

(There’s a loud crack of plastic. JAY’s broken the disc cover in her fist. DR. MORELLO sighs and gets up. Slowly, he takes the broken disc cover away from her and sets it down gently next to the TV. Meanwhile, REMINGTON’s making her way around her bed to edge in closer to the conversation.)

DR. MORELLO

Calm down, Jay. Go to bed.

JAY

I’m…it just all feels too familiar. Me. Her. An Eleven.

REMINGTON

(noticing her bracelet on the bed)

Oh my god, is that my bracelet? Thank God.

JAY

I don’t know if I —

#transcript #px11 #perfect times eleven #ep 5 #Remington long #honorary perfectionist #Rupert morello #jay mazziotta #daisy noxx #musical #musicals #podcast #podcasts

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