#RosendoDiaz

[me-mindfulexistence]

Awkward

Awkward. One word that can easily define the “reason” for so much mental discomfort, social anxiety, body dysmorphia and emotional stress that people including myself struggle with only a daily basis. 

This weekend one of my children made a very poor decision in a social situation and it was brought to my attention by another parent. Now, if I blogged every time one of my 5 children I parent made a bad choice I’d be flooding the internet with blog posts.....but this really got to me. It was the answer as to ‘why’ that started me thinking. We discussed the situation,what happened and then we attempted to get an answer of ‘why’ he/she chose to make the decision they did.  The answer was “well...if I didn’t do it I would’ve felt awkward”.  I was dumbfounded. Not at the situation or even the poor choice in the situation....but the fact they made a poor choice b/c of the fear of feeling awkward?  In my mind I’m thinking- “How could any one of my children not be mentally strong enough to be comfortable feeling awkward...how can they fear something we strive so hard to overcome on a regular basis?”  I say this b/c it defines the person I am today. It’s the parenting style I’ve adopted with my husband. We will say and do things that can and will generally make our children (or even other people) “uncomfortable” or feel “awkward”....We will not be politically correct or avoid certain topics. If it’s on our mind or a pertinent topic...it’s an open forum for discussion.... so they can feel free to be themselves. So they know they can come to us with whatever comes up and we don’t flinch about the subject....They know that it’s okay to swim against the current when they don’t agree with other peoples opinions and they shouldn’t just sit ‘idly by or silent’ if someone is doing something wrong or something they disagree with.....

I’m writing this b/c as I pondered the ‘why’....I realized in retrospect so much of my life has centered around feeling awkward .....that any confidence I have now to make ‘good decisions’ has been learned over a significant amount of time...and learning to live with or ‘manage’ the awkward is a constant ongoing practice. Some people define themselves and their ‘views’ with groups....whether it’s religious or political they’re assigning you predetermined thoughts and decisions for whatever topic might arise.  They’re even telling you to some extent how to cast judgment on others.  If you follow the well formatted guidelines of the ‘group’....the task of ‘living’ can almost be without individual thought at all.....It takes much more time, energy and mental fortitude to forge your own road....and there is NOTHING easy about that.

 As a young child I was always extremely skinny and tall (like I looked like I had a disease kind of skinny).  I was harassed and made fun of continuously...and I didn’t do anything or go anywhere without feeling “awkward”. Just the idea of gym class gave me anxiety. Ugh. Having to wear shorts gave me anxiety. Why? b/c I wasn’t like everyone else. As I got older I would create “vices” to try and overcome the awkward.  I became almost aggressive by high school. I was tired of being picked on and if someone wanted to start a fight I was like a Jack Russell Terrier chasing a rabbit. I never backed down. Needless to say being a female it rarely led to anything physical b/c females are all talk...when push came to shove (literally)....they didn’t want any part of anything other than running their mouths.....I would date guys who were interested in anything but me as an actual ‘person’.....and by college the behaviors really didn’t improve but instead escalated. Now adding to an aggressive personality an abundance of partying, poor self esteem, plenty of people trying to coax me in the wrong direction, with a giant glass of awkward, it was the remedy for what could have been a bad ending to a really bad story.

Fast forward....I barely made it through my first year of college in West Virginia. Going from an honor roll high school student to barely passing my college classes my parents said ‘you’re done and you aren’t going back’.  There was no way they were going to let me waste money when they knew I wasn’t even trying.  Fortunately that summer I was home and I was called by a local college about an opening in their Physical Therapist Assistant program.  With some begging and overall parental forgiveness I was given the opportunity to attend college again with the stipulation I could NOT get less than a “B”. This gave me a big dose of ‘this was my last chance’ and I did what I had to do and made it through....with the ‘awkward’ still fully controlling my life. 

After leaving college...it was adulthood. I couldn’t get my own apartment quick enough. I think I lived at home for maybe a month or two.... I wasn’t out of school long before I had my first full-time job and full-time boyfriend.  Up until this point there was no healthy way to manage the anxiety and the awkward. That’s when I quickly learned exercise was medicinal for me physically and mentally.  I was not just working in physical therapy but I was also a personal trainer and basically a ‘gym rat’.  By 22 years old I was pregnant and planning and wedding.....By 23 I was married and a mother.  Life turned full circle and we decided as ‘parents’ that we’d raise our children in a home where NO topic was off limits. 

Awkward. So much of being awkward stems from the feeling that we aren’t “good” enough....pretty enough...smart enough....strong enough....etc.  The more awkward you are, the more anxiety you have.... and vice versa.  So the key is really becoming ‘comfortable’ with it....get comfortable (or at least be able to muster through) with the uncomfortable feeling we get when those thoughts are going through our heads......bc I’m not cured (and I can’t always make those crazy thoughts go away).  I still struggle with this everyday.  I’m a 43 year old- wife, full time working mom, “black belt” in jiu-jitsu....but I have a very high anxiety level. I constantly doubt myself.  I force myself to say things, go places and do things that I don’t want to do.....to manage my awkward. 

When people hear/see/inquire about me doing jiu-jitsu I sometimes feel embarrassed to explain what it is b/c many people feel it’s not ‘what normal middle age females do’....but you know what?  It was awkward at first....and now it’s not (most of the time anyway). Jiu-jitsu helps me manage it. Physical training can change our mentality about awkward.  It can improve your confidence an improve your self esteem.  I encourage anyone who is second guessing themself...mentally, physically.....to come in and try some training. You might be surprised at how therapeutic it is.  www.Graciepa.com 

[me-mindfulexistence]

The Fight Over Self Defense

I’ve spent a good part of my adult life teaching female self defense courses in various settings....using multiple methods...even different styles of martial arts. As my training has evolved over a 15 year period.....not only ‘how’ I teach and ‘what’ I teach has changed but my MENTALITY about the REALITY of what people are actually taking away and what is really happening in society has come to be a HUGE part of me deciding ‘what’s important’ in the grande scheme of things.  Just some background about me....I’m a 44 y/o female who’s been training a long freakin time.  I started in Shotokan Karate for many years and have been doing jiu-jitsu since early 2003. At this point my consistency getting to BJJ sucks....but I’m still in it. I work full time, married and parent 5 children. 3 boys 2 girls (All teenagers and older).  I’m not very big.  5′8, 122lbs. So I’m usually the smallest in the class. Training isn’t easy so I don’t care to hear guys complain about the ‘difficulties’ of training or rolling with ‘bigger guys’. 

I’m writing this b/c I’ve found so many people from the martial arts community (specifically jiu-jitsu) with such strong feelings that these “other” self defense ‘videos’ or “other” martial arts styles showing ‘techniques’ that are what they consider “just crap”....and making statements like:

-”those techniques are so bad they’re going to get someone killed“ or “1 day self defense classes are ‘junk’ and pointless...no one can learn anything in one day”...”Self defense sounds too intimidating....it should be called something else”....”females just need to do x, y and z”.....Like it’s that easy?

Listen here.....I realize it seems so simple when you train consistently....ESPECIALLY if you are a man......BUT......It’s not that easy. Do you REALLY think females who don’t train are watching a video clip and saying to their coffee clutch, book club or sorority, “Hey, girls! I saw the most awesome self defense clip! Lets get together and practice it tonight!”.  Hell no.  They saw it once and it’s out of sight and out of mind.  

I don’t care if you have the best self defense technique EVER!  If a female doesn’t train that religiously, a thousand times over, there is NO damn way the average female is pulling that crap off against a predator. Period.  Lets be real. The average female is at greatest risk of being attacked by someone she knows.  70% or more is the statistic.  Got it?  The majority are not jumping out of the bushes. Not that it can’t happen (and of course when we train we always prepare) but it’s more plausible that they’re being mauled by the guy they’ve gone out on a date with...or met at a party....the soccer coach....church leader....next door neighbor....someone they’ve ALLOWED in their personal space.....and MANY MANY times these females are GROOMED for this ahead of time! There are warning signs. This predatory behavior isn’t without some ‘notice’...but in order to know the signs, someone would need to have education about what they are. 

http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/grooming

Aside from that is the lack of mental self defense that is taught.  I REALLY go out of my way to stress that the number one thing that will keep you out of trouble or get you out of trouble is your self awareness and ability to fake it to make it. I encourage role playing in my classes. I do this by demonstrating. I’m not the ANGRY teacher showing techniques at MACH 100=worst case scenario. We start at level zero. Casual interactions and how things can build and how things truly can be diffused prior to anything having to be physically confrontational. How can someone really get out of being cornered or get a guys hand off their wrist without being physically aggressive?  B/c here’s the zinger people.....once we do ANYTHING physically harmful to a man....it is GAME ON.  There is no going back. And the chances of a female winning that game aren’t good.  That’s a VERY last resort. The problem is that some females have 1- very poor self and environmental awareness (or impaired awareness due to drinking/drug use), 2- the inability or lack of knowledge how to get themselves out of a situation, 3- lacking the confidence to do so. One example: I show the girls how to get out of a rape position as if I was on a bed (I’m simulating this by laying on the mat with my head up against the wall and a guy is in between my legs and holding down my arms with lots of pressure on top).  Besides the physicality of the ‘technique’...I have them problem solve mentally.  I ask...what could I say to him? what might be a deterrent? what could be my body language? What might he be trying to do?  I suggest they say things that are unpleasant like “I have diarrhea” or need to vomit and insist they need to use the bathroom right away. If need be they can poop on the guy (I mean the girls laugh but it’s true). Bottom line for me is that my class is full of discussion. I’m uncomfortable if there isn’t any.  I’m also uncomfortable if it’s all about the violent ‘fight’ to get away from the rogue attacker the entire time.

Here is my thing.....people can dog on these video’s and other instructors ‘not doing things right’ all they want but I just can’t see it. What’s the point? My son plays college football....I don’t see him searching the internet for the latest video’s on bogus information being given out. It wouldn’t matter.  I mean,  At least  with the self defense stuff they are showing something. Is it the best ‘move’? Maybe Not.  If I’m getting choked and try to punch someone’s groin or stomp their foot instead of doing the proper defense will I pass out...probably.  But you know what?  No average female is going to defend their neck and table top a guy backwards ....I could list a few others defenses but it’s pointless. Techniques like that aren’t meant to be learned off a video. They aren’t meant to be learned and utilized after doing it one class or 6mths. BJJ techniques need to be trained consistently and religiously to be used effectively and efficiently. Self defense needs to be a lifestyle to pull off techniques that require dedicated training to be used correctly.  That said, I believe any class is better than none at all.  I say this b/c it’s no different than swimming.  If I get in the water once....I’m not going to “know how to swim” but I’ll at least have an idea what I’m in for the next time I go and be a little less scared.  Same goes for self defense.  It opens their eyes to give them an ‘idea’ of ‘what it’s like’ on a VERY VERY low key level.  Especially if it’s BJJ and having that ability to ‘feel’ what it’s like to be on the ground and have someone’s weight on you.  Having the ability to know how you body responds...how it does and doesn’t move.....and what it REALLY requires to get out of such compromising positions (without a crazy person doing it to you).  Every little bit helps....and it does improve that ‘self awareness’...hopefully it does ‘make them think’.  Knowledge accumulates over time. As far as I’m concerned information isn’t completely worthless....at least it’s opening up the door for discussion. 

What actually can be dangerous is the popular misconception that gadgets or “weapons” such as mace, whistles or little key chain trinkets used to cause bodily harm that you purchase for yourself or loved one’s can provide ‘safety’.  B/c if there isn’t self and environmental awareness and they haven’t had the ability to actually ‘use’ those accessories....then they are useless. Don’t fool yourself.  Don’t purchase these things and feel a bubble of protection. 

One time my daughter was going to a concert and I give her a list of things she needed to do (for safety)....and she says “Mom..stop worrying. My friends mom gave us all mace”.  I looked at her and said “really?!” The only person who is going to get hurt with that is you guys!”.  Stop and think.  If you haven’t used these things before the chances of you using them effectively are slim.  When I have seen people open mace I’ve seen it drip onto their own hands and cause them injury. If the canister isn’t open the time it takes to open it wont allow it to be helpful anyway.....trying to use a weapon that you haven’t become versed in gives you a false sense of security.

And to every Man that believes females will walk around feeling invincible after one or a few self defense courses.....think again.  That’s not how females are wired. Even decades into my training I still question myself, my skill and my abilities....I’m always aware of my person, my surroundings and what I’m doing and what could happen.  Females by nature are more aware and concerned about things...we know we can be preyed upon at any time......but those “instincts” are something that can be dulled or we ignore with things like drugs, alcohol, friends/entertainment, lulled into a comfort zone due to a grooming process from someone you trust, or even just a phone. Anything that changes your perception or reality of your self awareness and the environment around you.

If you would like to train with me....I encourage you to email or FB message me.  BJJbetty@gmail.com.  Let me know!  www.Graciepa.com 

[me-mindfulexistence]

Men Don’t Like Fat Girls....

Recently there has been a abundance of females posting Meme’s, quotes, and comments about ‘full figured’, curvy girls being what ‘males want’...and how those other females on the thin, straight, spindly end of the spectrum must be something that cat drug in (’bones’).  How any female can bring them self to take part and perpetuate such a cynical way of thinking is crazy to me.....  How is this ok? I would NEVER take it upon myself to call someone fat and obese or truly say something like “Fat girls are unattractive” and then kick it up a notch by finding some amusing meme that implies all guys like skinny girls. Can you imagine the backlash?!  ie-Facebook status for the day-  “Sweetie remember....Real men go for fit and trim females....only dogs chase after hogs.”  I mean, what would I be gaining from that?  I realize people think it’s okay b/c they feel that thin females have it ‘easy’.  It’s what society expects. Well guess what...you are wrong. Talk to any thin, skinny (an AWFUL word) females and you’ll usually get an endless amount of stories where people were cruel and relentless taunting them about....what? Yup. Their weight. Who are the biggest culprits? Normal to overweight people. Don’t like the issues you deal with? Then don’t pull that crap with other people (males and females). Do you have body image issues? Don’t put that negativity out into the universe onto someone else.....And generalizing with a ‘meme’ is super sucky b/c it says ‘hey world- I don’t give a shit that I’m telling every thin female I know I think I’m better than them’.  So, Buck up and hold your head up proud without having to put other people down.  B/c the reality is that size doesn’t equate to beauty. You can have all the perfect measurements and have aesthetically the best features around....but if you have to put others down to make yourself feel better (thin or thick)...... you’re ugly. period. I’m thankful to have a vast array of sizes in my home. From thin to average to big and burly. I see the struggles an overweight person has....and how much I can’t relate b/c my body doesn’t have those same issues.....Instead of posting stuff like this....

Start thinking along lines like this.....How about females supporting females instead of putting someone else down to make yourself feel better? That’s what jiu-jitsu is all about.  All different walks of life coming together, trying to kill each other (in a safe way)...but coming off the mat friends and through thick and thin supporting each other!