#3rdgenerationjiujitsu

[me-mindfulexistence]

365 Days Later....

March 1, 2020 marks one full year since I started teaching the “Wonder Woman Program” at the Rosendo Diaz Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Academy in Harleysville, PA. What started out as one day a week slowly evolved into two (and despite the group size being small, the passion and commitment are larger than life). This female program is something I could have only dreamt of 10 or 15 years ago…

Up until about four years ago, I wasn’t really training with any females. My entire jiu-jitsu career, it was just me and the guys; But in hindsight, being the only female wasn’t healthy, mentally or physically. It didn’t allow me to see what I was missing. It almost created a sense of entitlement within me that was for no other reason than the fact that I have a vagina. So, once we started having females trickle in, it was initially thought provoking, but in all honesty, very unsettling. So many thoughts would run through my head. Where would my place be? Would I even be relevant anymore? Basically, I thought of myself as a lioness who wasn’t ready to share her pride. It wasn’t an easy transition for me. Many weeks I wouldn’t show up just because I was feeling sorry for myself. Why? I don’t know…because that’s what some of us crazy, weaker females do…act irrational.

It wasn’t until I took some time off and eventually put it all out on the table with my instructor (in a tearful conversation spilling my guts) that he replied to me “Just stop. Just come back and train, you need it. We are old heads now. You have to share your knowledge and pass it along. You are on a different part of your journey now.” And so that’s what I did. After forcing myself into having a new outlook, I decided it was time. I realized that it “wasn’t my time anymore” and that times have changed, the school has changed, and I needed to change (damn it).

After a few years of just training with a couple of women, Rosendo brought up the idea of the all-female class. I wasn’t sure if this was something that I could do or even wanted to do, but I reluctantly agreed. What became apparent to me sooner than later was that I could learn just as much from these women as they could from me. I’ve never considered myself a “girl’s girl” and these females coming to train weren’t either. These women also seem to walk to the beat of their own drum and not follow the “norms” of everyday society. They aren’t afraid to get dirty and they aren’t afraid to smash my face in.

The entire experience has made me love and appreciate my gender. After a lifetime of avoiding females, serious friendships, and “not having a tribe”, I now have a better understanding of what I was missing. My jiu-jitsu team is my family and my girls are my tribe. My biggest thank-you goes to my girl Lauren Baker, our team/school manager. She was the lioness who came in 4 years ago and took over the pride…and she did it with ease. She is a beautiful person inside and out.

We might not all be “friends” hanging together outside of jiu-jitsu, but because of jiu-jitsu we will have a bond forever.

[me-mindfulexistence]

Awkward

Awkward. One word that can easily define the “reason” for so much mental discomfort, social anxiety, body dysmorphia and emotional stress that people including myself struggle with only a daily basis. 

This weekend one of my children made a very poor decision in a social situation and it was brought to my attention by another parent. Now, if I blogged every time one of my 5 children I parent made a bad choice I’d be flooding the internet with blog posts.....but this really got to me. It was the answer as to ‘why’ that started me thinking. We discussed the situation,what happened and then we attempted to get an answer of ‘why’ he/she chose to make the decision they did.  The answer was “well...if I didn’t do it I would’ve felt awkward”.  I was dumbfounded. Not at the situation or even the poor choice in the situation....but the fact they made a poor choice b/c of the fear of feeling awkward?  In my mind I’m thinking- “How could any one of my children not be mentally strong enough to be comfortable feeling awkward...how can they fear something we strive so hard to overcome on a regular basis?”  I say this b/c it defines the person I am today. It’s the parenting style I’ve adopted with my husband. We will say and do things that can and will generally make our children (or even other people) “uncomfortable” or feel “awkward”....We will not be politically correct or avoid certain topics. If it’s on our mind or a pertinent topic...it’s an open forum for discussion.... so they can feel free to be themselves. So they know they can come to us with whatever comes up and we don’t flinch about the subject....They know that it’s okay to swim against the current when they don’t agree with other peoples opinions and they shouldn’t just sit ‘idly by or silent’ if someone is doing something wrong or something they disagree with.....

I’m writing this b/c as I pondered the ‘why’....I realized in retrospect so much of my life has centered around feeling awkward .....that any confidence I have now to make ‘good decisions’ has been learned over a significant amount of time...and learning to live with or ‘manage’ the awkward is a constant ongoing practice. Some people define themselves and their ‘views’ with groups....whether it’s religious or political they’re assigning you predetermined thoughts and decisions for whatever topic might arise.  They’re even telling you to some extent how to cast judgment on others.  If you follow the well formatted guidelines of the ‘group’....the task of ‘living’ can almost be without individual thought at all.....It takes much more time, energy and mental fortitude to forge your own road....and there is NOTHING easy about that.

 As a young child I was always extremely skinny and tall (like I looked like I had a disease kind of skinny).  I was harassed and made fun of continuously...and I didn’t do anything or go anywhere without feeling “awkward”. Just the idea of gym class gave me anxiety. Ugh. Having to wear shorts gave me anxiety. Why? b/c I wasn’t like everyone else. As I got older I would create “vices” to try and overcome the awkward.  I became almost aggressive by high school. I was tired of being picked on and if someone wanted to start a fight I was like a Jack Russell Terrier chasing a rabbit. I never backed down. Needless to say being a female it rarely led to anything physical b/c females are all talk...when push came to shove (literally)....they didn’t want any part of anything other than running their mouths.....I would date guys who were interested in anything but me as an actual ‘person’.....and by college the behaviors really didn’t improve but instead escalated. Now adding to an aggressive personality an abundance of partying, poor self esteem, plenty of people trying to coax me in the wrong direction, with a giant glass of awkward, it was the remedy for what could have been a bad ending to a really bad story.

Fast forward....I barely made it through my first year of college in West Virginia. Going from an honor roll high school student to barely passing my college classes my parents said ‘you’re done and you aren’t going back’.  There was no way they were going to let me waste money when they knew I wasn’t even trying.  Fortunately that summer I was home and I was called by a local college about an opening in their Physical Therapist Assistant program.  With some begging and overall parental forgiveness I was given the opportunity to attend college again with the stipulation I could NOT get less than a “B”. This gave me a big dose of ‘this was my last chance’ and I did what I had to do and made it through....with the ‘awkward’ still fully controlling my life. 

After leaving college...it was adulthood. I couldn’t get my own apartment quick enough. I think I lived at home for maybe a month or two.... I wasn’t out of school long before I had my first full-time job and full-time boyfriend.  Up until this point there was no healthy way to manage the anxiety and the awkward. That’s when I quickly learned exercise was medicinal for me physically and mentally.  I was not just working in physical therapy but I was also a personal trainer and basically a ‘gym rat’.  By 22 years old I was pregnant and planning and wedding.....By 23 I was married and a mother.  Life turned full circle and we decided as ‘parents’ that we’d raise our children in a home where NO topic was off limits. 

Awkward. So much of being awkward stems from the feeling that we aren’t “good” enough....pretty enough...smart enough....strong enough....etc.  The more awkward you are, the more anxiety you have.... and vice versa.  So the key is really becoming ‘comfortable’ with it....get comfortable (or at least be able to muster through) with the uncomfortable feeling we get when those thoughts are going through our heads......bc I’m not cured (and I can’t always make those crazy thoughts go away).  I still struggle with this everyday.  I’m a 43 year old- wife, full time working mom, “black belt” in jiu-jitsu....but I have a very high anxiety level. I constantly doubt myself.  I force myself to say things, go places and do things that I don’t want to do.....to manage my awkward. 

When people hear/see/inquire about me doing jiu-jitsu I sometimes feel embarrassed to explain what it is b/c many people feel it’s not ‘what normal middle age females do’....but you know what?  It was awkward at first....and now it’s not (most of the time anyway). Jiu-jitsu helps me manage it. Physical training can change our mentality about awkward.  It can improve your confidence an improve your self esteem.  I encourage anyone who is second guessing themself...mentally, physically.....to come in and try some training. You might be surprised at how therapeutic it is.  www.Graciepa.com 

[me-mindfulexistence]

“13 Reason Why” you should let your child watch...

I finally finished watching that Netflix series "13 Reasons Why"....All the hype that surrounded it intrigued me....with the topics of suicide, sexual identity shaming, drug/alcohol use, sexual assault, rumors/bullying and just the overall crappie dynamics of teen life I felt an obligation to watch it....as I anticipated, it wasn't anything vulgar or inappropriate as many so many people/parents were proclaiming.  Nothing worse than real life. This idea that parents couldn't and wouldn’t let their children watch is upsetting to me....this is definitely something at minimum 5th grade on up should be okay to view (and that’s just me coming up with some random grade and age bc I can’t make the decision when a child is “ready”.......maybe a 3rd grade student might be more appropriate? who knows)....I was telling my husband I remember when I was in elementary school the boys talking about the most explicit sexual terms they could conjure up just for shock value....who knows if they even knew what they were saying....but that was over 35 years ago when there was no internet. No social media....only VHS tapes and magazines with nudity....Can you imagine what your children have access to today????  One word typed into the search engine of a phone “sex”.....and all bets are off.  All the sheltering you’ve worked so hard to do is a wash....Now they know!....But they know the internet version....wouldn’t it be better to hear it from you first? (#1- let the truth come from you first).....So, whats the deal breaker with his show? ....b/c they cursed? b/c they had suggestive scenes of sex/rape (that showed basically nothing)-Wouldn’t it be better for you to explain how the sexual act was being depicted as ‘rape’ and how there wasn’t ‘consent’ and go into explanation? (bc even if it’s a young child watching...the importance of talking about how sometimes an adult in our life can ask us to do things that aren’t always ‘right’ and we need to run away or tell someone when and if it would make them uncomfortable)....or is it the topic of Students struggling with their own sexual identity and the social impact surrounding it? In our own school district it feels like suicide is happening every year from middle school on up anymore....the topic is critical....whats the big secret we are hiding from our kids? They know.....and if you want to believe “my child doesn’t”- THEY SHOULD. (#2- Knowledge is power). The series takes place in a primarily white upscale high school where the jocks don't go one minute without their high school varsity jackets and the girls wear skirts everyday. They throw together a diverse 'Preppy' multicultural cast that looks completely forced.... So I didn't find that super realistic.....but it didn't matter-they make great attempts to touch on several issues which is a constructive way for parents to actually talk to their kids about things that they normally wouldn't...the main 2 reasons parents don’t let their children watch are 1- little johnny/susie is just TOO YOUNG, and they shouldn’t be exposed to things before they’re "ready".....well what defines "ready"?....in a parents eyes a child is eternally youthful and what we deem "ready" is usually idealistic and NOT realistic....with parents coming up with ages like 16 vs 8 bc it seems more “age appropriate” (#3- guess what...this is a higher budget bad movie where u can explain crap.....the best case scenario: try doing it after the fact when their schoolmate or friend takes their own life or is lured into sexual assault or slandered with rumors.... you wait? It's to late.) 2- religious beliefs- you can’t watch it bc somehow God has deemed it upon us to keep our children in the dark as part of the “practice” (or so people act).... (#4-Listen, if this series which is basically a glorified Hallmark show or after school special with curse words and a flash of a naked butt makes you shutter....you better get some education on reality b/c your kids get it in school every damn day.) They hear the "F" word like it's "amen" in church.....they know about sex and hear about it.....I would venture to say daily....at least references to it (if they aren't already exposed to it) at every school level (YES! even in elementary school!).....and nudity? Please! Do they have mirrors? They have butts....they have penis's and vagina's. These are body parts. Big deal. Sex is a natural act. We do it. Animals do it.  #5-If your kids don't know about this stuff b/c you haven't told them...guess what? someone else will...and it won't be your version. I can give you a guarantee about that. #6-Kids can access virtual devices like magic. They don't need your permission. They don't need their own device or yours. They have friends. They can access whatever they want to see from a schoolmates phone...anything (Netflix, social media or straight up porn)....it’s right at their fingertips.

#7-

#8-

#9-

#10-

#11-

#12-

#13-

So if you want to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and believe that your child isn't 'ready' to see this cotton candy "13 reasons why"...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you and your child....b/c bad people are hunters....and they love to prey on the naive.....and please don't feel like your child needs to sit there and view it with u! They generally aren't comfortable and you understand that....let them view it by themselves. Then after an episode have a casual dialogue about it....maybe it'll just be u talking but it's better than doing nothing at all.