#Riverdale Review

[fandom]

How 'bout that Riverdale finale, y'all?

After seven bizarre seasons, Riverdale finally ended in the most Riverdale-possible way. The cast of What We Do In The Shadows sat down with us before the SAG strike and answered a ton of your questions, which you can see here. It's August in the year 2023, so of course the Destiel confession made news again and trended, like, super hard. The first two episodes of Ahsoka have fans clamoring for more. We got our first look at the second season of Our Flag Means Death and if the photos and cast are any indication, it's gonna be incredible. Astarion is reigning supreme as the new Baldur's Gate 3 blorbo. Best of luck to all of the UK given the railway ticket offices closures. Oh also there was a debate in the US between the Republican presidential candidates and Donald Trump did not participate. This is Tumblr's Week in Review.

Riverdale

Donald Trump

Good Omens

What We Do In The Shadows

Destiel

Artists on Tumblr

Our Flag Means Death

Ahsoka

Genshin Impact

Crowley | Good Omens

Aziraphale | Good Omens

Ineffable Husbands | Crowley & Aziraphale, Good Omens

Baldur's Gate 3

The QSMP Minecraft server

Astarion | Baldur's Gate 3

UK Politics

2023 F1 Dutch Grand Prix

Star Wars

Hozier

Neuvillette | Genshin Impact

We'll be taking a break next week! Fandometrics will return on September 11, 2023.

[wallbeatjournal]

Wall beat journal? Yes. I would like to read Archie's journal about how Hiram beat him off against the wall.

hiram eras rated by potential to beat archie off against the wall:

season 2: 40%. hiram's slow-play lovebombing era. he's physically dominating archie but they're meant to be allies and archie is meant to feel like he's an agent in their developing closeness. THAT SAID: carrie episode, hiram acting impulsively to keep archie in his thrall after archie gives back the car, archie's nerves and adrenaline already up and hiram gambling on a different kind of mind game to hook him even in the face of fred's disapproval (all while telling archie he's complicit in the spark they're both feeling btw). emotional handjob, face-to-face.

season 3A: 99.9%. peak hiram sadistic punishing daddy dom era. he's got archie pinned against the wall of his cell. he's got archie pinned in the locker room of that illegal underground fight club. he's barely 15 minutes late to get archie pinned in that farmhouse in athens. mean brat tamer handjob variety, obviously pushing archie facefirst into aforementioned wall.

season 3B: 5%. no walls on a boxing ring. those are called ropes. (he still would, but different list.)

season 4A: 60%. hiram comes back from prison late-ish but immediately starts pestering. we're not done here so what kind of favor can i do for you, write a life-changing blank check? whack somebody? whack you off in your tawdry little community center back office? sheriff FP, go tell archie his community center is shut down for coquette crimes. also tell him to fuck me.

season 4B: 89%. hiram is mysteriously ill and archie is dangerously sentimental about large-looming authority figures AND chasing his escapist impulses so very hard. it would be like if community service was a full-circle moment was pretending to get closure for 5 minutes maximum. archie would lean back for it so the height difference is nullified and would also want to make wet eye contact the whole time. might even try to make out.

season 5: 50/50. if that football game could have been a rude handjob it would have. but i'm also going to say it: s5 hiram is about as likely to be pinned as he is to pin, and he's definitely going to like it either way. archie might have to be goaded into it with a little dynamite, but what else is new?

[james-stark-the-writer]

feel like pure shit, just want her back

[hereslookingatyousquid]

I could watch Julianne Moore and Natalie Portman act at each other for hours. Unfortunately May, December included other scenes with other people. B+.

[crazy56u]

Whelp, I just woke up, and (without naming names) I just saw a reaction that I am 100% taking with a grain of salt.

Let’s take a look.

Okay, if they’re bringing up the chip subplot now after it supposedly got resolved, that’s not a good sign.

Also, Ben got fucked out of saving Hannah’s husband. And having seen the synopses for the last two episodes of the season [sidenote, NBC, ya gonna fucking announce a renewal or… …?], long story short, oof.

And we’re at a funeral reading in 1953, and Ben may or may not be the maid.

Okay, no offense, that vase looks like shit.

“Is this a joke?” I know, right?!

Oh, so Daddy was too busy being Indiana Jones to remember how money worked.

“To my fearless Dina-” “It’s Dean.” …misspelling, or deadnaming? Is this a trans plot?

A ship in a bottle, I don’t know if they make those anymore.

And it goes smash. …revealing a map; okay, Ben won this will reading.

Addison, why the fuck do you continue to have the shittiest timing

“Hey, I know we’re supposed to be working, and Ben just leapt in, but you wanna ditch this episode?”

Okay, legitimately, I couldn’t tell if Ian was wearing glasses or not.

“I planned a wedding once. That led to me burying a not-dead man’s belongings in the park; the cops are still nagging me to dig that shit up.”

Yeah, remember, you have jobs?

“Are you sure I’m not rushing you?” You want to get married a day or so after proposing. What do you think?

Like, not to make a controversial statement, but Ross Gellar at least had the foresight to wait a few months.

“Do not wait to live your life. Otherwise, time travel will fuck you over.”

And the horrible vase is dead.

San Patricio… Quick Google search gave me this little number, so my interest is peaked…

…okay, I don’t think Wikipedia mentioned cursed jewels, so fuck me, I guess.

Okay, wait, I just realized: is Sarah played by Veronica from Riverdale?

How much longer until they realize the Accelerator isn’t doing shit, and it’s Ben?

I agree: Family bullshit is less enticing than being Indiana Jones. But unfortunately, it’s this show, so you should already know the punchline.

“[Dean] is the key to all this.” Like how Horace was the key to Halloween Havoc.

I love the Kramer entrance Ben just pulled.

Teamwork makes the dream work, and maybe Veronica can stop bitching.

I love how Will Man is intentionally withholding the lore unless it’s for dramatic moments.

Okay, quick math time; 40 mill in 1953 would be about… almost half a fucking billion in 2024, so…

This looks less like Mexico and more like The Darjeeling Limited.

Who sings opera while biking?

Yes, that’s right, make Addison bring up the wedding now of all places…

“Hey, I know you’re talking to ghosts, but check out the map!”

Well, given how the priest killed for those jewels, blood probably did get on them, so he wasn’t wrong…

That wasn’t “fashion advice”, that was “we’re going on a treasure hunt, don’t overload the fucking suitcase” advice, Veronica.

“Okay, maybe let’s stop deadnaming and let’s get crunk.”

[Okay, how have I not noticed the producer is named “Meg Fister” until now?]

Yes, Jenn, Ian does want to do their job, that’s not a shock.

“Look, if we’re still pretending 2023- now 2024- is supposed to be 2026, then Addison and Tom can get married. That’s the law.”

[I will fucking laugh if my long standing theory pays out, and Ben undoes the time skip.]

“Hey, Rachel, I just said a sitcom line-” “Ian, we are fucked, they remembered the chip subplot.” “I thought we finished that!”

…is Tom a puppet?

And, in a rather appropriate cutaway, we go to the bar.

A bar is not a place to yell, pleas calm down.

“Nadia, where did you learn Spanish?” “From a person who speaks Spanish.”

I don’t like how the bartender is immediately in the know.

And that satchel is going to get taken in 5… 4… 3…

Ben, with that type of scratch, you can change all their fucking lives.

“And what are we doing?” Not looking after a satchel?

Why does their dad look like Santa?

And it’s now a race.

Ben, he was clearly lying about not believing the treasure was real.

Sarah, you don’t just get to decide to abandon the episode after fucking everything up.

“I have a very good memory, and I’m friends with a ghost.”

Sarah, if you hadn’t left the satchel, this wouldn’t be as bad, stop denying fault.

Meanwhile, back in Subplot 2.

Look, Ian, if it makes you feel any better, given how next week involves a leap into the 1980s, dealer’s odds Ben accidentally erases Gideon from the show.

Meanwhile, back to the treasure; this is a packed week for everyone, isn’t it…

Well, this is Indiana Jones coded, so one of you had to do the snake line…

“Well, I am not climbing down that.” Okay, die then.

Okay, you won’t drown, but if you slip, you will break something. Small miracles.

So the jewels are a metaphor- okay, if the plot twist is that the dad hid the jewels back home, due to “home being the real treasure,” I will piss blood.

“Some say it was Saint Patrick. Some say it was Santa.”

Okay, I thought that was gonna be a zombie.

Either bartender wanted to cover his tracks, or bartender is under those rocks.

“Is there another option?” Get to fucking digging.

Sarah, legitimately, stop being a bitch.

God is getting angry now, that’s how much we’re approaching the Family Bullshit Event Horizon.

Okay, that’s peak comedic timing. “THE ROCK’S FAKE! :D”

Dad’s pun fetish, I swear to God.

Stephen King had once again gotten his grubby mitts into an episode of Quantum Leap.

They found the prop wall.

That was not fucking funny, that got me.

…well, I mean, to be fair, the key to all great comedy is misdirection… 🥁

And of course.

[I choose to split this up now.]

[isys777]

Riverdale is... watchable again?

So.

I’ve watched the last two episodes of Riverdale (episodes 1 & 2 of season 7) because I am a proprietor and collector of unassuming, under the radar, not quite enemies to potential lovers ships like the dairs, the bamons, and of course, the jeronicas. Though I left Riverdale in my rearview mirror seasons ago, I can’t help but always have an eye out for how my favorite raven haired Riverdale duo is doing. Of course when the promo for season 7 dropped the hints that something may happen there, my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to tune in. And I was very pleasantly surprised!

This isn’t a post about Jeronica but instead about how much I enjoyed the first two episodes, the second one especially. I don’t fully understand how the cast got pushed back to the past as 30 year old teenagers despite that gorgeous black girl who’s name I forgot telling me last episode, it doesn’t really matter. Whatever genius in the writer’s room came up with that as the beginning of the end for the show was truly inspired. Going back to the basics is exactly what a show that got as outlandish as this one did needed.

The problems are simple and relatable, the villains aren’t otherworldly, it’s intolerant and judgmental adults inserting themselves and their views on a bunch of kids just trying to figure everything out. It’s the expectations the characters are putting on themselves as well as their own demons, not literal this time, that they have to fight. The 50′s dialogue is cheesy but in an endearing way, and the actors are really given something to work with.

Camila’s performance as Veronica as well as Madelaine’s performance as Cheryl in particular are really standing out to me. Instead of Veronica just being a bunch of quips and a large persona, she’s clearly holding onto a lot of insecurity and puts up a wall and puts on a mask that Camila allows genuine emotion to break through at the best times. And Madelaine does very similar work with Cheryl, which makes the moment of pure joy when she was dancing with Toni, for just a moment, all the more charming, and everything all the more sad in her last scene.

All of the actors are able to add dynamic to their characters that hasn’t really been there. I really appreciated Archie’s moments with his mom in regards to his father and how much weight that holds in every part of their lives. And KJ’s performance of Archie is so endearing I just wanna wrap him up in a blanket. I didn’t mention some other performances but everyone is really putting their all into this and I really appreciate it. Even the directing has been very dynamic, I really appreciate the use of mirrors and negative space in some of the shots. As I was watching I couldn’t help but feel like this should have been the show from the very, very beginning.

I know this won’t last, even in the last moments I was getting the sense of the spectacle and exaggeration that Riverdale is known for. As well as the overindulgence of unnecessary sex scenes that was hinted at for the next episode. And I know eventually things will reset and we will likely go back to what Riverdale is known for. But for the moment, I appreciate where they took the show, and if all I get before the chaos is just those two episodes, I’m glad I took the risk and was able to enjoy them.

[beronicalongcon]

u guys know about this right. bc I think "but watch that paint writhe" at LEAST twice a week.

[just-absolutely-super]

TIL the pretty little liars tv show was done by the dude who created riverdale

i also learned that the PLL tv show takes place in that same universe as riverdale

then i learned that in the final season of riverdale, that universe was fucking ERASED

YOU JUST...ERASED PLL????

W H A T ? ! ? !

[liu-anhuaming]

So generally I stay away from books that get popular on tiktok because they all sounds like shit (to me), but one of my mutuals on insta posted about how she'd read These Violent Delights and the sequel by Chloe Gong and *loved* it, so I said, okay, maybe I'll look into it. It's possible that booktok has finally rallied around a book that I might like, right?

It's set in 1920's Shanghai and follows two rival gang leaders, which is interesting enough. So I decided to peruse a few reviews on goodreads like I always do, just to see what sort of praise/criticism was floating around in the different star rankings.

Well. The top review is a scathing one star review that lays out some twitter drama the author has gotten into, along with giving the context that the male lead is a Russian guy? Also, it includes some snippets from the book, and good lord, this is not my opinion of good writing. So uh, after reading this review and a few others, I will be steering incredibly clear of tiktok books until the end of time. The people on booktok have a very different taste in books than I do.

But one thing I want to share in particular from the top review is the below quote, because it left me wheezing:

[wallbeatjournal]

ENOUGH ABOUT HIRAM LODGE. I don't believe that FP would have Jughead circumcised.

pivot so hard i couldn't even answer any hiram asks first

i think you're right and should say it, anon. fp would be both anticircumcisionpilled AND one of those guys who won't get his dog neutered (kids and pets are the same)

[lastoneout]

nothing is a more clear and brutal condemnation of a piece of media than how quickly and often fans feel obligated to tell people that "it's not really bad it's just satire"

[willwriteforboots]

Book Review: "Betty and Veronica" by Adam Hughes

After reading such a heavy book like Thirteen Reasons Why, I just wanted to read something light and fun. While I do have a few more light-hearted novels in my TBR pile, my eye went right to the graphic novels section of my bookshelf. Many of these were bought on impulse during my Riverdale era and I never quite got around to. reading them. So if you are an Archie Comics fan, a Riverdale fan, or…

[thezipzap]

yes Riverdale may be kind of bad now (aka terrible) but I can't forget the good times I had for like 4 years of its entire run.

so, thanks and goodbye.

[calkale]

Evacuation warning was lifted? idk exactly but things arent as bad now 👍

[mishyells]

Requested by @flowers-and-fury ! Click to view the whole thread on twitter

[feathers-fallen-on-riverdale]

Season 1 Episode 3: Chapter 3 - Body Double GRUNDY'S CORPSE IN THE PALM OF MY-

[Ep. Statues: Already Watched/First Time Watching + Remember/Vaguely/Don't Remeber]

Cheryl you dramatic ass hoe. You literally just said "I'm guilty" in front of your entire class made a whole scene and only waited to elaborate until you got cuffed and taken to a secluded room???! This girl has zero brain cells she just fakes it till she makes it.

Also did they even read her her rights?

I WAS RIGHT HE WAS GONNA RUN AWAY. WITH POLLY(?).

I think she was pregnant but how could I have possibly forgotten such a big detail (says person who has forgoten all the big details up until now).

..... I don't remember much of Cheryl's parents (expect that Cheryl's mother was a dominatrix? Please tell me that's a hallucination) but wow from that 1 scene they said "Fuck subtlety. We are evil mustach twirling villains".

Okay but Alice seems to represent the very real treat of media coverage being pushed by a personal agenda to be a smear campaign.

HOWEVER I know the cw writers aren't that good, so this is a Supernatural brand of accidental good writing.

Fuck ya Archie lets goooo! Ignore Grunkle, confess what you know! Expose her!

Me when he didn't expose Grangle ^^^

Hold up Veronica's dating outside the polycule? I don't remember this!

Betty: Juggy 😘😍😍😊😊

Me:

I got past the cringe and into the emotional hits. Now it's 50/50

They bounce off each other well, they have half decent chemistry. Realising why the fandom fandom latched onto Bughead as the het ship of choice.

Also they are both bi4bi.

Chuck is being suspiciously nice. And they're really speed running this shit....

Okay Grungly not only are you being a crazy freak about Archie coming forward about information (which anybody would have applauded him for and he left your name out) but you're using your power dynamic to punish him for it? Get the fuck out. This woman makes my skin crawl.

"Sticky maple, it's exactly what it sounds like." Mmmmh no it's not. That doesn't elaborate anything at all. Man allos are..

I'm feeling a deep seated glee at Veronica's reaction and that Kevin and Betty 100% support her.

She just... burst in there. Okay. Love that for her! No hesitation no "omg she saw him naked and got all flustered" nah my girl just body slammed him outta the way like Cruella on a highway. Veronica road rages confirmed. Also.

SHE'S HOLDING BETTY'S HAND!

Wait so the first official use of "B & V" is by a slut shaming asshole named Chuck Clayton???? Okay.... how about no. And canon is what I want :)

But man I love the use of "B & V". Sounds like the name of a bed and breakfast. Hmmmm maybe after the show is over Betty and Veronica move to Vermont, open a charming B&B called "B & V's Bed and Breakfast" like another CW queer couple?

Love that Betty snapped at Chuck. Zero hesitation no longer gives half a shit about seeing a dick. Claws out for her girlfriend.

"The betas you dated in New York" ........... RED FLAG ALERT 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩also a really funny one cause you're probably thinking "who in their right mind talks like this"? And then you realise... yeah every teenage fuck boy.

I am actually so concerned. Please somebody talk to Weatherbee about getting these guys thier shots I think they've got rabies. Why the fuck else are they barking?

😑🤨 Doiley is giving alt-right redit incel.

"Anything you want *bites lip* except for my body"

The mf sitting beside her, just trying to graduate high school and get the hell outta here:

Ohhh the pussycats arc. Pretty sure 1 of them quits and bands with Archie.

Wasn't she like, the Gargoyle King's no. 1 groupie?

My support group maker Betty headcanon is being furthered here.

Cheryl??? Girl do you have a story you'd like to share with the class?

Me, pointing to the Cheryl Bitch-O'Meter ready to slide it higher: Honey you can't keep doing this. I can't defend you.

Cheryl: Sluts

I mean they (the writers) aren't doing this whole "we're gonna tackle a social issue experienced by teens, mostly girls" thing great per say, but the intent is there... I think. And it kinda hits when Ethel mentions that she went to the Principle and he didn't do shit.

Cheryl: Proof that what, boys will be boys?

Me, already adding 2 bow and arrows to the meter: yah no. That's enough. It's giving pick me girl

Jughead pulling a Batman got me going like, "oh no, my pathetic bi trans emo boys, they're multiplying".

Of fucking course the gun scare was caused by a fucking idiotic teen with unbridled access to firearms. God help me I don't live in a country where that's a problem but even I can pick up the subtext, it's hitting me in the face like a 2x4.

Okay the scene where Josie is like "you can't write our experience" and Archie is like "shit you're right my bad" is actually very good but ik for a fact that one shitty lyric suggestion from gingerbread later will flip that shit over so fast.

Aaaand I was right. Flipped so fast.

"Just how depraved is this town"

Like I promise you Veronica you're gonna wish it stopped it here.

"A B&E with B&V" lovely alliteration there Cheryl.

"Trev told Valerie, who told Josie, who told Ginger, who told Tina who told me". Okay damn. But far more realistic than I expected. It's a highschool there are no secrets. The only thing I simply refuse to believe is that that the chain of Chinese whispers is that solid or effective.

I wonder how many students hear about the wild shit this lot get up to and just go "Absoulty not. It's our circus sure. But I, as a monkey am not being paid enough for this. Or at all."

"Polly grew up too fast. I don't want to blah blah blah"

"I like it." Oh the helicopter mother damage it showing.

Okay who has a pool in that small a town?

OH the black bob wig my Absoulte Enemy.

Easy on the drinks there Alice- OH she just bitch slapped her huh? Now I feel like I'm just watching the real housewives.

Okay Romeo and Juliet balcony scene. Secret meeting at the masked ball I see you.

OH Fred. "What made you take such an interest in my son?" Get HER ASS FRED 🔪😡🤬

"Park avenue princess to cater waiter" exhibit ... idk H of reasons Alice is actually Karen; disrespect of customer service/servers.

😬 hold up. Thier drugging him?! And those are- okay. Who is writing these scripts??!

Betty... nah.

OH Fred Andrews... this show doesn't deserve you.

Betty, Betty. Denial is a river... ya know.

Okay but can we talk about the fact that only Hermione (Veronica's mom) showed up to negotiate with Weatherbee? Betty's mother? Not even in the shot. How much you will to get that she was willing to leave Betty high and dry, on her own, as an extra punishment.

"Betty and Veronica, now B&V, maybe forever, were forged" BERONICA SWEEP.

ANDREW. WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING.

FINALLY. THE BOMB HAS. GONE. OFF.

~

Archie ab shot count (per episode then added together per season): None this episode but we'll put an honourary 0.5 in there for Chuck.

Cheryl's Bitch-O'Meter: 🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹|🏹 I know this is supposed to be an episode of growth and what not. But the slut shaming and just... general *indicates vaguely* merits this in my opinion.

Is it a bird? A plane? No it's a new headcannon pulled right out of thin air! :

bi4bi Bughead

Veronica has road rage

B&V's B&B (destiel paralle)

Reddit incel Doyley

Tag list (you can ask to be added [or removed]: @youre-only-gay-once