#Recognizing narcissitic abuse

[uncoveringthenarcissist]

Unveiling Narcissism: Understanding the Traits and Behaviors

Narcissism, with its roots in Greek mythology, was born from the tale of Narcissus—a character who fell in love with his own reflection. Today, the term has transcended folklore to become a crucial part of psychological discourse. Understanding the traits and behaviors associated with narcissism can shed light on a personality construct that often hides in plain sight.

The Enigma of Narcissism

At its core, narcissism manifests as an inflated self-image, an insatiable need for admiration, and a distinct lack of empathy. Yet, its subtlety often allows it to evade detection, camouflaging itself within charismatic exteriors or masking insecurities behind a facade of confidence.

The Telltale Traits

Narcissistic traits can vary in intensity, from mild to severe. Some common indicators include:

Exaggerated self-importance: A belief in one's superiority or uniqueness.

Constant need for admiration: Seeking validation and praise incessantly.

Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or relating to others' emotions.

Sense of entitlement: Expecting special treatment and feeling deserving of it.

Tendency to exploit others: Using people as a means to achieve personal goals.

The Behavioral Patterns

Narcissism isn't confined to the grandiose; it also thrives in subtle, manipulative behaviors. These patterns often emerge in personal relationships, workplaces, or social settings.

Relationship Dynamics

In relationships, a narcissist's behavior can be particularly toxic. Initially charming, they tend to exert control, manipulate emotions, and undermine the partner's self-worth. Over time, this behavior can erode the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

Work Environments

In professional settings, narcissistic traits might present as an excessive desire for power, a hunger for recognition, and an inclination to manipulate colleagues or subordinates for personal gain. This can lead to toxicity within teams and hinder productivity.

Unmasking Narcissism

Recognizing narcissistic traits isn't about labeling individuals but understanding behaviors that could potentially harm relationships, mental health, and societal harmony. By uncovering these traits, individuals can navigate these interactions more consciously.

Setting Boundaries

Understanding narcissism empowers individuals to establish clear boundaries, recognizing when behaviors become unacceptable or detrimental. Setting limits guards against emotional manipulation and maintains a sense of self-worth.

Seeking Support

For those dealing with narcissistic relationships, seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals is essential. Support networks provide validation and guidance in navigating the complexities of these interactions.

Conclusion: The Road to Understanding

Unveiling narcissism involves acknowledging its existence, understanding its traits and behavioral patterns, and taking proactive steps towards healthier relationships and environments. It's not about vilifying individuals but recognizing behaviors that impact personal well-being and societal harmony.

Understanding these traits and behaviors is the first step toward fostering healthier connections and protecting one's mental and emotional well-being in a world where narcissism often lurks beneath the surface.

#Narcissism, #Narcissistic traits, #Understanding narcissistic behavior, #Narcissistic personality disorder, #Narcissistic relationships, #Narcissistic manipulation, #Dealing with narcissism, #Identifying narcissistic behavior, #Coping with narcissism, #Narcissism in relationships, #Narcissistic personality traits, #Setting boundaries with narcissists, #Coping strategies for narcissism, #Narcissism and mental health, #Recognizing narcissistic traits, #Narcissism awareness, #Narcissistic behavior patterns, #Healing from narcissistic abuse, #Coping with narcissistic partners, #Impact of narcissism

[velvetvexations]

This is an edited version of something I posted to r/DaystromInstitute, a Star Trek sub. I'm proud of it and, having deleted my account, want to preserve it here.

Dukat is a fantastic example of Narcissitic Personality Disorder

I'm an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's very, extremely frustrating to see people claim everyone from Dolores Umbridge to Donald Trump also have NPD because they're like, just the worst. NPD doesn't mean "selfish", or "controlling", or even "self-absorbed", and certainly is not a synonym for abusive, despite all the self-help books that say sniping a narcissist who came within eight hundred yards of you is legally permissible under Stand Your Ground laws.

You might expect me to not be so appreciative of Dukat, who is, after all, a pretty horrible person. I actually have a worse opinion of Dukat's supposed nobility than many, as fairly often the fandom prefers to back the idea that he really was a misguided anti-villain who only succumbed to devil-worshipping when the writers assassinated his character.

Well, unfortunately, it's harder to recognize authentic NPD traits in heroes, and "recognize" is a term I use loosely, since most writers certainly didn't have NPD in mind at all. Nonetheless, I love Dukat because he exemplifies a nuanced, if not overly flattering, portrayal of a personality disorder that actual human beings deal with, and 99% of the time is just flattened into a thing you call people you don't like.

As a child, one thing that did a lot to mitigate the more negative social aspects of NPD was having it imprinted on my brain by anime and video games that being a Hero and as good as possible was the best thing to be. While praise and attention in general does scratch a powerful itch too, once my child-self internalized the values of the media I consumed - helped along by also being autistic - the standard for which I judged myself was set. I would literally cry if I accidentally picked up dark side points in a Star Wars game.

I think Dukat went through a similar process. Not all narcissists cling to a model centering morality, but Dukat, for one reason or another, did. He sincerely believes everything he does is altruistic and fair, and more than that, he wants to be altruistic and fair, having misidentified the origin of his cravings.

Another thing that helped me a lot growing up was a book called The Screwtape Letters. If you're unfamiliar, it's by CS Lewis and is presented as a series of letters from a high-ranked demon to his nephew, who works as essentially a shoulder devil attempting to guide his patient into sin and disconnection from God. I feel like Lewis would probably be annoyed with me not getting anything properly Christian out of it, but it is an amazing manual for teaching you how to examine your own thinking and subconscious impulses. It started me down a path of being very self-aware, which made it easier to navigate NPD, because I'm incapable of tolerating the flaws in my internal logic that I'm able to catch. If I may be excused for saying so, I think I do a decent job on that count, with the downside that I'm often far too hyper-critical and it results in regular anxiety.

But Dukat never learned that skill. As a result, his attempted nobility clashes with his other competing impulses, and all his actions are reinforced, rather than rejected, by his conscious, which his NPD assures him is being followed to the letter. As Lewis said:

The baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity at some point may be sated; and since he dimly knows he is doing wrong he may possibly repent. But the Inquisitor who mistakes his own cruelty and lust of power and fear for the voice of Heaven will torment us infinitely more because he torments us with the approval of his own conscience and his better impulses appear to him as temptations.

Dukat's inner struggle is fueled by the need to be a revered benefactor while also having served at the head of the bastard offspring of the Iraq War and Holocaust. His solution at the time was to make it more like the Second Boer War, the conflict that originally popularized the term "concentration camp" despite the fact that those concentration camps weren't even meant to eliminate the thousands that were killed in them.

DUKAT: So in my first official act as Prefect, I ordered all labour camp commanders to reduce their output quotas by fifty percent. Then I reorganized the camps themselves. Child labour was abolished. Medical care was improved. Food rations were increased. At the end of one month of my administration, the death rate had dropped by twenty percent. Now how did the Bajorans react to all this? On my one month anniversary they blew up an orbital dry-dock, killing over two hundred Cardassian soldiers and workers. "KIRA": We didn't want a reconciliation. We wanted to destroy you. DUKAT: So I had to order a response. But even then it was a carefully tempered one. I ordered two hundred suspected members of the Resistance rounded up and executed. Two hundred lives for two hundred lives. That's justice, not malevolence. Justice.

Throughout the episode the Kira hallucination embodies the disrespected and ingratitude he feels he gets for being "nice". Cardassian values, attitudes, and objectives came first. Dukat, however, was smart enough to understand some of what was being done to Bajor was wrong, but not quite able to tear himself away from his own identity as a Cardassian and the protagonist of the universe. That was just too much to totally upend, as would be required to fully comprehend the reality of the situation.

So he tries, in his own way. Because he wants to be a good guy, the hero, the main character, and he truly believes that he is. Unfortunately, it remains pointed solidly in the direction of his own ego. He's unable to recognize that to err is Cardassian, but repentance divine, because he's already invested in so much. His identity as a Cardassian, his own past actions, his impulsive grabs for power, and being convinced he's such a good man shields him from thinking critically because it would necessarily mean criticizing himself. Dukat can only truly appreciate that he's made mistakes when it makes him feel like he's being the bigger man willing to compromise and graciously admit fault, but he was in charge of the Occupation for twenty years. It's hard to walk back from that.

And I should know, because even understanding I'm the one at fault, it's pulling teeth to force myself through accepting I did wrong, much less admitting it to someone else. I don't want to be someone who fucked up, no matter how minor. Pulling teeth. Quite a lot of NPD can be described that way, in fact. While half-brained wannabee psychologists present narcissists as being sociopathic manipulators who skillfully terrorize those around them, most of NPD is horrible, chest-thumping anxiety. It's not fun at all to want to break my controller in half every single time I get got in a game of Splatoon, even when the round is far from over.

Most Cardassians involved with the Occupation seemed to be either outright monsters or falling under the "banality of evil", like Damar. They considered the Bajorans as, at best, a bunch of backwards hicks who needed to shut up and listen to their betters. Dukat, though, fetishized Bajor and the Bajorans themselves, as quite creepily seen in his string of Bajoran lovers and his dogged pursuit of Kira throughout the show (which horrifically took Nana Visitor putting her foot down to keep from being canon!). He pursed his tenure as head of the Occupation with the zeal of someone who truly wanted his subjects to see he was doing all this for their own good.

The Dominion and most other Cardassians don't give a fuck if your subjects like you except insofar as it's convenient and makes them less likely to rebel. That's the Dominion's whole thing, they just want control, and if the carrot doesn't work they'll shrug and without a hint of emotion give you the stick. It doesn't matter to them how they're in charge as long as they are. When Dukat makes his point about having only executed two-hundred (suspected!) members of the Resistance, the Weyoun hallucination comments:

"WEYOUN": The Dominion would never have been so generous.

It's telling that Dukat is fixated on the contrast between him and the people he allied with enough for it to show up in his breakdown. Just a little before that, Dukat says:

DUKAT: Major Kira knows full well I made every effort to heal the wounds between Cardassia and Bajor. Since the very beginning it was my intention to rectify the mistakes of the past and begin a new chapter in our relations.

Dukat is capable of saying, vaguely, abstractly, "mistakes were made", but it infuriates and honestly baffles him that it's not enough for him to be recognized as the most brilliant and loving extraterrestrial patriarch the Bajorans could ever wish for. In an earlier episode, he has this conversation with (the real) Weyoun:

WEYOUN: If you ask me, the key to holding the Federation is Earth. If there's going to be an organized resistance against us, its birthplace will be there. DUKAT: You could be right. WEYOUN: Then our first step is be to eradicate its population. It's the only way. DUKAT: You can't do that. WEYOUN: Why not? DUKAT: Because! A true victory is to make your enemy see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place. To force them to acknowledge your greatness. WEYOUN: Then you kill them? DUKAT: Only if it's necessary. WEYOUN: I had no idea. DUKAT: Perhaps the biggest disappointment in my life is that the Bajoran people still refuse to appreciate how lucky they were to have me as their liberator. I protected them in so many ways, cared for them as if they were my own children. But to this day, is there a single statue of me on Bajor? WEYOUN: I would guess not. DUKAT: And you'd be right. Take Captain Sisko, an otherwise intelligent, perceptive man. Even he refuses to grant me the respect I deserve.

Weyoun ends the scene laughing at Dukat. Because he was just advocating they exterminate all life on Earth, and yet he's amazed, truly stunned by how crackers Dukat is. The sheer depths of Dukat's psychological need for validation is as clinically fascinating to Weyoun as it is to the audience.

As it is to me, anyway. Like Narcissus and his pool, I peer into Dukat and see myself. Unsurprisingly, he's one of my favorite characters.

[ncrcissism]

lachlan pierce >> deputy mayor >> jon hamm

tw: mental health mention, substance abuse mention

— BASICS.

Name: Lachlan Adrian Pierce

Nickname: Pierce, Lach

Age / D.O.B.: 50 / August 13, 1974

Gender, Pronouns: Cisman. He/Him

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Ethnicity: White

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eye Color: Green

Height: 6'2

Hometown: Tonopah Valley

Residence: Glenn Estates

Occupation: Politician ( Deputy Mayor )

Affiliation: The Enterprise

Education: MBA, MB in Economics. Public Administration and International Relations.

Languages: English, German, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish, French, Swedish, Norwegian

Relationship Status: Divorced

Children: None

— STATS.

Personality Type: ENTJ

Moral Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Positive Traits: Indomitable, Strategist, Eloquent, Assertive, Cunning, Dominant, Ambitious, Bold, Decisive, Resourceful, Self Disciplined, Confident, Perceptive, Stoic

Negative Traits: Narcissitic, Power Hungry, Malicious, Manipulative, Cynical, Serpentine, Arrogant, Emotional Detached, Methodic, Volatile, Competitive, Vengeful

Mental Health: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Fears: Loss of their false sense of control, autonomy and perfectionism

— FAMILY .

Grandfather: Edgar Pierce

Father: Michael Pierce

Mother: Esther Pierce née Buchanan

Siblings: TBA Pierce, TBA Pierce, Flora Pierce

Notable Relatives: Zeynep Demirci

— HEADCANONS .

Lachlan is the eldest of four siblings. Even though they grew up in a golden cradle, they all had a difficult childhood due to the dysfunctional environment experienced at home.

He is going through a divorce process.

Highly narcissistic, driven by an insatiable hunger to be recognized and receive unconditional respect from others. Master of manipulation, engaging in sophisticated deception tactics. Regulates himself through grandiosity, power, control and dominance - as long as he is winning, succeeding and surpassing his competitors, he is fine.

The Pierce family is annually featured on Forbes' billionaires list

He has never officially joined The Enterprise as an affiliate, remaining loyal to the organization as long as he gets what he wants.

Dares to be overlooked.

The whole old money aesthetic. Perfect tailored suits, expensive watch and luxury cars.

Had complications with drug addiction, always on the media radar, and is often criticized due to his lifestyle.

Has a dog named Monty, a Husky-German Shepherd mix

Plays the piano. Good luck convincing him to do that.

Regular drinker. Fond of distillates, in particular whiskey

Smoker

Passionate over vintage movies, old songs and art in general

If he hadn't pursued a political career, Lachlan would have become an investment banker

He’s a Brioni ambassador

[tracyfance]

Welcome, dear readers, to my blog on narcissists & how they are created not born and how narcissism can impact on their close relationships. As a psychic coach, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many individuals who’ve been affected by the behavior of a narcissistic partner, family member, or friend. In this blog, I will discuss the characteristics of narcissism and how these traits can lead to negative outcomes in relationships.

Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissistic individuals often have an inflated sense of their abilities and accomplishments, and they may seek constant validation and attention from others. They can be charming and charismatic, but they also tend to be manipulative and self-centered.

In relationships, narcissistic individuals can be difficult to deal with. They may expect their partner to cater to their every need and desire, and they may become angry or hostile when their expectations are not met. They may also use emotional manipulation or gaslighting tactics to control their partner or justify their own behavior.

Narcissistic individuals may also struggle with intimacy and emotional connection. They may be more interested in their own needs and desires than those of their partner, and they may struggle to empathize with their partner’s feelings or perspective. This can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy and a breakdown in communication in the relationship.

In some cases, narcissistic individuals may become abusive towards their partner. This can take the form of emotional or verbal abuse, physical violence, or sexual coercion. It is important to recognize the signs of abuse and seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in a relationship.

So, how can you deal with a narcissistic partner or family member? It can be challenging, but setting clear boundaries and prioritizing your own needs and well-being is important. You may also want to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the challenges of dealing with a narcissistic individual.

In conclusion, narcissism can have a significant impact on close relationships. If you are dealing with a narcissistic partner or family member, it is important to recognize the signs and seek support. By setting clear boundaries and prioritizing your own needs, you can protect yourself from the negative effects of narcissistic behavior.

It’s highly unlikely a narcissist will realise they need help so your options are to cut them out of your life or learn to accept them as they are provided they’re not being abusive. Work on your own healing so you can release any trauma you may have, if you don’t you will see health issues as a result of the trauma.

Give a narcissist some empathy though because they’re deeply insecure even if they don’t recognise it, they crave love & attention & have most likely been starved of that affection in their early years, although sometimes having parent who over-indulged them can start their narcissist journey.

However, my role tends to be with people like you who’ve been deeply affected by a narcissist, it may be your confidence has been wrecked, or that you have no self-worth. You may have health issues which are rooted in the beliefs your relationship with this person created. Often I find myself working with those who’ve been affected by narcissists because it’s wrecked them mentally & emotionally.

Thank you for reading, and I wish you all the best on your journey towards healing and growth.

So, if you're suffering from being around a narcissist or if you are a narcissit & ready to heal, give NLP a try and see how it can help you feel better. I've not always found it easy to heal or grow myself, it's often easier to work with someone else as they are more objective.

You’re welcome to schedule a free chat with me here https://www.tracyfance.com/get-a-reading-with-tracy/intuitive-life-coaching/ or give me a call & we’ll find a time/date to chat.

Thanks for reading, and remember to stay positive!

#narcissist #healing #coachingwithtracyfance

[sharonisthebettercarter]

*sigh of the long suffering*...

fuck me, this is old news now but i'm still feelin' it and i do feel i gotta reach out and at least say thanks.

so thanks.

to any and all who were willing to give a shit and speak up or even just listen to me for a moment or even just fuckin' *notice* what was happening. i don't wanna dive back into that mess but i do feel i at least wanna... i don't know, vent? maybe clarify a little?

it's been on my mind since i came to find that one of my favorite artists actually blocked me over this shit, or i'm pretty sure more likely, over the shit that was said about me behind my back or the awful things that were put in my mouth and claimed as my words when i never said them.

and that hurts. not just cause i barely interacted with them beyond liking some art, not cause i won't get to simp and serenade and write these long ass poems of dedication to fantastic art i now won't get to see.

but because it's not based on something i actually did or earned myself.

it's based on lies or badly twisted half truths that someone else told about me.

i don't expect everyone to like me and i wouldn't even want it when i know i can be a lot, too much, too much passion, too much anything and some people just won't vibe with that. that's fine, that's fair. if people wanna block or not interact with me, that is their right for whatever reason

but *at least* take the time and have the decency to make sure you're not doing it based on *lies*, give me the courtesy to at least *honestly* piss you off.

i overcompensate maybe. had people telling me to dim down my personality my whole life, tends to rile me up.

i have my faults, my overreactions. even i know i went fucking nuclear. when people start attacking my friends by name, dragging, hurting, triggering them. that's when i lose my shit.

and i want to be so fucking clear about this because dd. you don't have to tell me because i fucking felt it too. i felt it in everything you sent to try and help, to fucking *stop* me from relapsing. and i really wanna thank you for that because without you, i really might've and i don't fucking know where i'd be now if that had been the case.

we can think something is the stupidest shit known to man, the stupidest thing to argue over, and i guarantee someone out there has died for less. we never know what someone might be going through and how that might affect them or their mental state, we just don't. and it's not safe to assume.

i want to be clear, because i can't stress how important it is to at least try and recognize this shit when it happens.

lying about someone behind their back or trying to gaslight them to their face, telling others *who* that person is without giving them a voice of their own IS narcissitic abuse.

that's not hyperbole or exaggeration or distraction or anything but the truth and i am still working through my own bad and copied over habits from all of the shit i have been through. that is my issue and mine alone to deal with.

but those are some of many many different forms of narcissistic abuse which we normally leave under a catch all umbrella known as 'bullying' because it sounds much less harmful, but it's not.

petty and childish? oh, absolutely. but *still* a genuine detriment to human health. stress can kill you. it can fucking kill you and that's not hyperbole either.

i'm not going to detail all of the different thoughts gone through my head at the time, but i'll be honest if only to get this off my chest for good.

what happened? it fucking triggered me. so badly. it gave me flashbacks. and took me places i didn't wanna go. all the while having to remind myself over and over:

'it's not their fault, they don't know. it's not their fault, they can't know'

but it doesn't stop it from hurting or being the exact thing that broke you before. and you just have to find some way to power through that shit as best you can.

i went back and read over the responses i got, went back over the screenshots and the interactions just to make sure i wasn't insane, that what was happening had really happened.

i reached out once after being called by name. waited for response, asked if they were okay.

nothing.

or not nothing, they kept going. kept telling more lies, kept putting words in my mouth, kept up the disingenuousness and i have no fucking clue if it ever stopped. i haven't checked. i do not plan to. i made one big long post to address the situation asking people to be kinder than i could and wanted it behind me after that.

i have no idea if they stopped or if they even encouraged others to alienate or block me because i know the artist i liked didn't block me right away, but when i logged back on, welp!

but the response i got on the big long post. even then, i reached out i guess. i read it over. there was no question, no worry for why i had such a strong reaction, no 'are you okay' and i get that when we commit abuse we may not always recognize it, i wasn't even expecting an apology for me at least.

side note, dd... i'm so fucking sorry you got dragged into my shit. at all. like AT ALL. you don't deserve that. you're a little kooky and deranged sometimes but you've never meant anyone harm. and you can't be blamed for their dishonesty. never put that on yourself.

the point is, the response i got was ultimately the same. disingenuous or at least ignoring half the shit i had said and asking me if i was 'happy' with what i 'accomplished' with pretty much zero accountability.

it wasn't a fucking accomplishment so that is a strange choice of word but whatever.

and let me backtrack, because there was *some* question i guess in a way asking if what i was put me through was somehow worth the response, but of course framed a very... interesting way. but still no accountability.

i could have said it was worth much worse, all things considered.

i had my fucking life played with for running around being an overenthusiastic idiot. that's not me claiming someone else called me that, that's me calling myself that because that is how i feel.

my best friend had to relive her trauma because of me. she says it's not because of me because it was something i had no control over but i *still* feel responsible and guilty for it.

there was no amount of empathy extended towards us in any way that i could find. not even a bare minimum acknowledgement that treating someone the way i was getting treated? maybe not the best?

i got a couple honestly just downright nasty anon asks either justifying the behavior or trying to insult me for some other odd reason and i responded in kind.

and all i could think was:

'did they even read a single fucking word here or did it just not matter what i typed up?'

i still tried to reach out to talk over dms when i got that response, didn't even blame them for saying they were wary about it. and i feel so fucking stupid for that.

i feel like i should care or at least still be somewhat upset about my own response, because i know it wasn't the best. but i just... don't.

one of my favorite artists and a handful of people i've never interacted with blocked me because someone who doesn't even know me told them who i wasn't.

and yeah, that... that hurts... it hurts to be judged over things that aren't true. imagine being put in jail for a crime you didn't actually commit and no one believes you.

at this point, it is what it is. humans gonna human and flock to the person who 'looks' better or they've known longer, not the newcomer or person who 'looks' crazy. whether right or wrong.

but i will say this.

if we can extend a hand of empathy and sympathy to fictional maniacs like homelander and billy butcher?

we should be able to do the same on a basic level for the real life regular people who most certainly have not committed war crimes behind our computer or phone screens.

and thanks. to those who spoke up or at least tried to understand me.

Can you be a real hero for a moment please?

There's some petty catty fandom bullshit going around right now and it has me pretty depressed. I prefer to just observe and not engage but it feels so wrong to say nothing. However, I don't know what to do.

What would you do if you saw what amounts to a highschool mean girl "clique" trying to alienate and "other" queer people of a different mindset over shipping bullshit?

Or to give you an emotional investment here, what would you do if you saw people doing this Ryan or Zeus or anyone else you loved?

It's one thing to have a different opinion or even be enthusiastic about an opinion, it's another to be so far up your own ass that you try and reinforce your own opinion, unironically as in not joking, as fact.

A worthless endeavor since opinions by definition are not fact and cannot be right or wrong.

All while treating other actual human beings like eyesores for the crime of existing in shared spaces that aren't owned by anyone.

I've seen unnecessary hostility and disingenuity too. I'm not going to mince it. At this point I'm positive it's deliberate and obtuse.

And yes, before you ask, this bullshit is about you and whether you would top or bottom for Butchlander. For reference, the queer person getting "other"ed who thinks you would top is promoting their ideas but not trying to harm, police, or "other" anyone for having different ideas.

The people who think you're a bottom are straight up doing that insidious drama posse bullying type shit to try and snuff it out, bordering on barely veiled soft fascism that is completely devoid of understanding the nuances of your show and story itself.

But they're just "baffled" by these totally insane "outside the norm" or "unpopular" opinions, right?

I wondered why the bottom Butcher club didn't seem so active on here when the AO3 kudos buttons tend to speak for themselves.

"Resurgence" my ass, those grown ass adults acting like children purposely and very subtly, discreetly or overtly, attack that side of fandom to discourage and make sure "No bottom Billy" can happen. And I'm not paraphrasing there, one of them literally went into an artist's ask box just to say that exactly.

I'm so over fandom toxicity but I'm at a loss, what the fuck can I even do about this before it gets any worse?

Without starting a villain arc.

By the way, I don't care about Butchlander and mostly just can't wait for you to finally get yours from humanity after all the bullshit they put you through.

I do, however, care about bullying when I see it.

Alright.

Here’s the thing, I’m used to folk having their ideals and whatnot and all but forcing them upon me. I’ve had my share of folk expressing their strong desire for William and I to get together. While flattered, it’s not my cup of tea. But to each their own.

Whatever stories and fan ideals you have about me, more power to you. Whatever floats your boat. But, and I’m asking here, be sensible about it.

By some miracle there’s been a sense of community building here since I created this fucking blog. Which, I never expected to happen. Truly. You guys are invested in my life and it’s cute, if sometimes a bit…much (ahem…💎). But my point is, that I expect everyone to treat each other with respect. We’re all friends here, right?

For the folk that can’t be reasoned with, I suggest doing all you can to block and erase them from your life. At the end of the day, you’re always going to have a bunch of crazy fanatics pushing their ideals because that is the way. It’s complete bullshit.

Say what you want about me. Write what you want about me. Draw what you want about me. But don’t be a dick to folk who don’t agree with you. It’s as simple as that. And don’t act like a fucking clown over William and I for fuck sake. I mean seriously, of all the things to get so defensive over. My lord. Take a moment and seriously rethink about yourself.

One thing I don’t condone about all of this is bullying others. If you have to bully anyone, bully me. Leave others out of it to do their thing and you do yours. If you have to direct your attacks at someone, fire them my way. Let’s see how long you last then.

C’mon. Grow the fuck up.

[violentviolette]

"people's npd influences the specific ways they abuse other's which is what makes narcissistic abuse real"

so does literally every other trait someone has. thats how human beings work. the fact that my mother was a woman influenced the ways she abused me. her womanhood and her relationship to womanhood were directly and inextricably linked to how she abused me

that doesnt make the emotional abuse I suffered from her suddenly "female abuse"

y'all really need to grow more fucking braincells and stop harassing and blaming a subset of mentally ill abuse survivors for ur childhood trauma

ur parents didn't abuse u because they were narcissits they abused u becauee they were shit parents. stop trying to blame abuse on a mental disorder and recognize that all abuse comes from the same place and manifests differently depending on the individual but is always rooted in core abusive behavior that everyone is capable of. including u.

[nvrcixv]

a narcissa black intro post

( milena tscharntke, eighteen, cis-female ) my goodness, is NARCISSA BLACK back? it’s been a while since the PUREBLOOD has been around the castle, but I’d recognize HER anywhere. rumor has it the FIFTH YEAR spent the years aligned with the NEUTRALS. but I hear they’re still DUTIFUL & ELEGANT and SEVERE & CONTRADICTORY. and the SLYTHERIN still reminds me of a mist of overwhelming perfume, the gentle clatter of fine dishes breaking a tense silence, the awed quiet that fills every corner of a museum, a lump catching in a dry throat, an ornate frame distracting from a dark themed painting, and lips plump with an unnatural red. well, then, I guess some things never change.

hey,  hey,  you guys! i’m alex and i’ll be bringing narcissa here. i’ve been rping on tumblr for a long time, marauders era has always been my favorite.  i have a lot of passion for strong, bad bitches, they’re my jam. so i’m excited to play ice queen narcissa. i’m down for all sorts of plots, especially stuff that springs up organically. mostly because i’m a terrible, disorganized mess of a planner. i’m a bartender, so weekends can get busy for me, but lbr i’m always lurking on mobile.

you can contact me on here in those dms, or my discord is @ alex //#7484

character inspiration: sansa stark (got), eleanor young / astrid leong-teo (crazy rich asians), amy march (little women)

check out her ( pinterest )

whelve: (v.) to bury something deep; to hide

the positive (+): dutiful, elegant, meticulous, thoughtful, subtle, self-assured, immovable, proud, practical

the negative (-): severe, contradictory, deceitful, vengeful, cold, bitter, haughty, petty, narcissitic

aesthetic inspiration: a mist of overwhelming perfume; the gentle clatter of fine dishes breaking a tense silence; the awed quiet that fills every corner of a museum; a lump catching in a dry throat; an ornate frame distracting from a dark themed painting; lips plump with an unnatural red; the gentle clink of pearls; lipstick smudged on the lip of a teacup; thickly gilded frames; delicate fingers brushing aside wisps of hair; pointed heels abandoned at the bottom of a staircase; forced laughter through painted lips; a paintbrush gliding over a crisp canvas; skirts skating over cream-colored thighs; half filled decanters; a thorn pricking an unsuspecting fingertip; the slow build of a concerto; hedges cut to blunt perfection

your girl’s eyeliner is sharp as knives, lips red as bluuud, nails filed to perfection, heart cold, and her smile sweet enough to eat.

you’ve heard it before, narcissa is stone cold. the world could be tumbling around her and this blonde would remain  unshaken.  she is a proud and stalwart figure in the face of chaos. she’s rather good in a crisis, she has to be with a family like her’s and in these dark days. many imagine her to be weak, a simple creature meant for beautiful things. the wilting flower of the black family tree. at one time she might have been, but those who know her properly know her to be someone to look towards in uncertainty.

but she is also a hopeless romantic gone to rot. she is distant, as untouchable as a masterpiece in the museum that is her picture perfect life. a thing more suitable for admiration than intimacy. she is cold, stoic, and strong, but also lonely.

there is a feeling that no matter your connection to narcissa, that no matter your efforts, there is always something hidden within that she is keeping to herself. and it’s true. there is nothing narcissa would willingly show that she didn’t want people to see.

she insecure and stressed about public image like that.

she is also haughty.  

if there’s anything her cousin has taught her, to bloom is to die. she pictures his  escape   and subsequent increase in happiness to be the height of abandonment, of betrayal. how dare he go one to enjoy things without her! how dare he leave. how dare he leave her wanting and missing and heartbroken. she truly misses him and yet goes to great lengths to never reveal her secrets, instead giving her true feelings the form of petty anger and feigned indifference.

the family she’d been proud to be a member of, is crumbling to ash with this war. but if anyone were to care enough to ask, she is grateful for her lot in life. a smile always quick to slide into place, polished and content for the pre-destined plan.

with her current family a shambles, she is afraid to even think of putting together a new family, the arranged marriage in her future is as terrifying as it is inevitable. she feels as though she will lose everything, her family name, the constant presence of her sisters, and her childhood.  it feels like a demotion in title and status after all the notoriety that comes with being a  black.  not to mention her own parents suffering remains fresh as a wound, she can’t imagine she shall ever be happy. why should she be?  indoctrinated as she is, she has eyes.  everything she has witnessed could never be called ideal, as much as it was framed that way. while hope is not her strong suit, narcissa is very capable of love

it’s not often used to describe her, but narcissa is rather selfless and giving towards her loved ones. it’s a redeeming quality that is almost enough to counteract her many failings as a more acceptable version of a kind person. she does, in fact, love and wants to be loved in return.

her removal from hogwarts had been a frightening prospect, as it put a big wrench in the plans that had been set out for her. she was too young and with her education incomplete all meant she was able to put off her marital duties off for the time being

with the last two years open to her, narcissa was quick to move to france to study abroad at beauxbatons. the move was good for her. freeing. the separation from her family allowed the growth of some independence and the fostering of her own interests. she was fully immersed in paris’ culture, language, food, and beauty.

as a lover of  all things immaculate, a seeker of perfection, narcissa is enamored with art. she already has amassed a collection that could rival the lourve, and often travels to find new additions. it’s a lifestyle only the sickeningly wealthy could afford. the high art, port wine and lavish hotels in distant locations are her own form of escape. the one bright spot in the dreariness that the war has driven all of london into. but “a golden cage is still a cage” and her happiness often fades the moment it comes

she’s an amateur painter herself, talented and content with the process of painting the perfect picture, figuratively and literally. but this is a secret ambition. the act unsuitable and beneath a lady such as herself. there is too much mess. stains, dyed fingertips and an acrid smell. as beautiful as the end result might be, her parents would surely disapprove of the mess she’d make to get there. so like everything else, she hides the messy parts away. it’s not much of a rebellion, but it’s as much as she’s capable of at the moment. her family just means more to her than what she sees as selfish wants rather than the productive creativity and voice to her thoughts that she really needs.

tw child abuse: her childhood was as fraught with abuse as the next black. intelligence was punishable, sharp wit was always met with a slap to rattle her teeth.

her worth was reduced to image and status from the beginning. the cruel parenting taught her to close her lips and open her eyes more. she is observant, and thoughtful. her taste impeccable and judgement rather quick.

narcissa is both good and bad in many ways. love to hate or hate to love her, she’s an anti-villian

tl;dr; narcissa a bitch but like?? the kind you would be begging to step on you

connections:

girl gang – give her all the best friends. the nicole to her paris. soul sisters. ovaries before brovaries. hymen heroines. those hoes she lives and breathes for. i think typically this would be fellow slytherins or ppl that she met through pureblood high society connections. OPEN  

ex-boyfriend/girlfriend – ew this makes me sad and emotions are hard to deAL. basically this will be all angst city. most likely narcissa would be the one to break things off since she usually caves to that familial pressure. depending on how their relationship was, she could regret it or be cold about it. or maybe they were using her? i could see either ( or both! gasp ) working. OPEN

rival/frenemies – these two are just too similar to get along. toxic pureblood society has pitted them against each other and no one is winning. okay but if they went from enemies, to reluctant respect, to almost friends?? MAYBE EVEN FRIENDS EVENTUALLY?? i would be here for it asdlk  OPEN

confidante – narcissa isn’t honest with anyone, not even herself. but this could be someone that she’s probably known for a long time who she possibly could’ve opened up to in a weak moment and now they’re bonded forever. she would feel indebted to this person for keeping her secrets and would do her best to protect them any way that she could. extra feelings if this person feels the same way and they can be sad, but also cLOSE, together. OPEN

secret school friend – maybe they were forced partners as prefects or a fateful potions class but narcissa found herself making a surprising friend in an unexpected place. they spoke for years and she couldn’t help admiring their persistence despite her reluctance and occasional snobbery. but now they’re older and she really should cut things off. for whatever reason, she just can’t let go. OPEN

banter partner – alright so this would be someone from the other side of the war that narcissa runs into all the time and they always seem to get into arguments! she’s not quite sure why they get under her skin but narcissa finds it difficult to step away from their confrontations. OPEN

muse – listennnn. this person would be someone that narcissa would just be enamored with, she would regard them very highly and make efforts to speak with them and be around them. if this person were on the other side of the war she would probably resent them a little but be unable to resist.  i’ll probably just spring this on somebody tbh?? since the relationship would be based on her own tastes. but this would be someone that narcissa would admire for their appearance– sure, but also for the aura that they project.

but yes!! promo over, thanks for reading loves! can’t wait to write with you all!

[deadautisticscum]

(1) Unpopular opinion: Linda Couch : IAmaKiller (reddit.com)

My comment:

Can i just say smth? I only watched the episode today and it was actually one of the most dificult ones. Roxanne's mother is clearly a narcissit. I don't know how well people know this mental illness but she CLEARLY is. Roxanne saying that she has those needs to tell everyone everything and to tell "stories to make you have sympathy for her" are the traits of a narcissist. Not to mention i also have a narcissistic mother and it is VERY easy to recognize another one. The way Linda paused and took time to deny after hearing roxanne's rape and then, i assume lied about how she DID help her etc. Basically a narcissist is always trying to appeal to people-they can't see anything in front of them besides that need. They don't seem to feel the need to say anything but whatever they THINK will make THE OTHER feel sry for them and accept them and protect them and "be their friend."

So this is where it does get tricky. If she hadn't been a narcissist Linda might have ignored what the lawyer said and admitted to the court she had been abused. But she didnt, why? Bc they told her she'd be better liked if she didn't. Bc back then it was probably taboo still violent relationships between men and women.

And i do think Roxanne and EVERYONE, should understand this. She was at a disadvantage in trial bc she was a narcisist. Now, i know narcisists can be cruel people, men usually are horrible and violent, women usually are just manipulative and narcisisitic mothers in particular PUT A LOT of trauma on their kids and treat them the same as anyone: do the best to be liked. So, see, the first thought in a narcisisits mind isn't to help her child or wtv, it's to be praised. That is why i think ppl should really understand, Roxanne had a very bad experience in her childhood for sure. Not only her father but her mother too, and it is JUST THE TRUTH that Linda was probably lying abt "all those rapes" but that doesn't mean she wasn't raped once or twice, and, THAT'S AWFUL ENOUGH. Isn't it?

So. Linda wasn't a normal "human" to be tried and ofc back then people didn't know that, but nowadays we can easily see it, I'm a nobody and I have figured it out. The other point is: roxanne doesn't need to forgive her mother for anything anything anything. But we can see in the episode she still clearly has a lot of anger towards her mother (which is NATURAL) but in the episode it came off so...bad...because the truth is we are dealing with a very serious matter and...it's been YEARS. Linda is what 60 some now and...I am sorry if you are reading this Roxanne but you should at least understand she DOES DESERVE to get out. She shouldn't be in jail any longer.

Men who rape women are freed IMMEDITALY or after 2 years?

Men who murder women just the same.

Now, one narcisistic woman does it to a man (who was A MONSTER) and she gets life sentence? That's just a BAD and VERY TERRIBLE justice system. Not to mention, as i said, she isnt' a normal woman, she is narcisistic.

As such she clearlty needed sometime in prison. But enough is enough and, as i said i have a narcissitic mother and trust me it is hell, it is traumatizing. But for me...to in the end say "oh bla bla burrying my dad was awful"....like ok....but....as a viewer i dont care and that doesn't matter: THAT WAS NOT THE CASE, the case was just abt murder not abt whether or not she asked her kids to burry him with her. And again, she only did so probably bc she is a narcisist. To be somehow more angry at your mother, who is mentally ill and in JAIL, and not so much at your dead who is dead and gone...is just not right i think.

And yes as i was saying i am a daughter of a narcisist parent too but. She was still abused, still raped probably, she IS STILL A WOMAN WHO IS BEING FUCKED BY THE SYSTEM WHEN THEY FREE HORRIBLE MEN LEFT AND RIGHT.

So now that i've explained why, i do think it is terrible that this old woman, bc that's all she is now pretty much, an old woman, is still in jail for murdering her abuser. It doesn't matter if her daugjter forgives her or not, what matters is justice. (Ofc between family justice is also a much more difficult issue.)

PS: I DON'T KNOW how the tv people didn't bother to mention she probably has narcissism, maybe they didn't notice but regardless, a mentally ill person deserves to be seen for what they truly are. even if the illness isn't the "good" one. Even if her kid doesn't forgive her. She is still a victim even if her kid also is of her. People are complex and if the justice system can't deal with it...it's truly disappointing. And again, i must remind you, men don't get and wouldn't get half the punishment and time she did. So, if we are truly asking for fairness, she probably what should've spent 5 years in jail? Maybe less. How is it that rapists and male murderers can go free and a narcisistic woman who was abused and just wanted to somehow be free is jailed forever? HOW IS THAT FAIR.

Men have privilege even if theyre murderers and rapists. (I am not talking about the men in the show, i am talking abt random men on the news.) With that I end this comment. And if roxanne sees this i hope you the best and peace and yk...it's not your battle anymore whether or not she stays in jail.

[deregirls]

if it's not about it being used during discussions of narcissistic abuse then what's the issue? people using "narcisst" as an insult isn't the same as "all people with npd are monsters." people can be narcissitic without having npd, the term existed way before the disorder was recognized. it's an unfortunate name for the disorder but what can you do about it until the name is potentially changed one day? what could it even be replaced by that wouldn't sound hurtful to some degree?

You can just say they're abusive it's really not that hard

[thejunkelemental]

Communication

It came down to communication, didn’t it? I always felt like there was a growing barrier between us.  I could not find the right way to talk to you.  Every conversation I grew nervous.  What mistake would I make?  What trigger would I trip?  I ran simulations in my head of what I thought you would say or what I thought you would do and they were always incorrect. Somehow, you forgot I loved you when we argued.  The words ‘We need to talk’ would fly from my lips and your guard would raise.  Slowly you’d extend your claws and rock back on your heels.  What demand would I make?  What misinterpretation had I made about your behavior?  What insecurity was triggered by something you had done? You felt like you could never be enough for me, like you were trying to perform or reach some kind of standard I had set.  You could never be clean enough, polite enough, on time enough, dedicated enough, sexual enough for me and the weight of that expectation drove you into despair and stole your creativity.  There, you would perhaps think (as I imagine), here he will tell me I am a disappointment again.  I try as hard as I am able and I am never enough.  I have given all that I am and it is never enough.  Maybe he does not want me at all...he wants some version of me that is not me. It must have been heavy, the weight of those thoughts.  Day after day you held them.  Day after day you worried I would ask for more while you were already at wits end.  Trying your best to console me, feeling alone and abandoned yourself.  You drew yourself into thinner and thinner strings till you finally snapped. But it came back to communication, didn’t it? If we had more time.  Maybe started sooner, can you imagine what it could have  been?  We wouldn’t fight as much.  Our passionate arguments would fold into each other.  We would learn to laugh and let things go.  To take the moments as they were. I know I am hypothesizing, but I can see it clearly. We used to be able to do that a bit, you know?  Perhaps you forgot or maybe lost sight of it, but it was not always this bad.  It really wasn’t.  Our arguments had common cause.  We both feared abandonment by the other and were so frightened we would not be enough or make the expectation. If I could talk to you from the past for a moment. You are enough. The words I should have said every time you suggested you were not.  Life is a journey and when you are married, it is a journey you share together.  We took on so much on ourselves, afraid that if we tried to put any on our partner we would break them. But how many times could I have come to bed earlier if I had just asked you to help me finish a few chores?  If we had just done them when we got home?  How many times could we have ended fights if I had just listened to you when you asked me to come to bed?  How many times could you have just said you weren’t in the mood and we could just lay together in bed and kiss and tickle and wrestle? If I had a wish it would be another night with you.  One without tension and fear.  A night to watch shows together, build another fort (with my help this time).  We would not talk of sadder things but hide away from the world itself. I cannot change your thoughts.  You are a proud woman.  You are a strong woman, snapdragon.  You have always stood brave even when you felt weak and alone.  I cannot imagine how hard things must be for you...and how much effort it takes to not reach out. Perhaps it is easier every day. We are different people and I loved that about us.  I should have better embraced your differences as learning opportunities to expand myself.  What if I had taken your strength and defended myself more readily?  What if I had challenged my perceptions and tried newer things?  What if I had embraced silence and confidence that you would always, as you said, come back to me? Communication.  I know some would disagree, but others see our problems as fairly easy (on paper) to navigate.  We did not beat each other.  We did not have substance abuse.  We did not have deep money troubles.  As far as married couples go, we had the beginnings of what could be a good life.  But we fought so much and the tension was so thick. I did not turn to therapy soon enough to see the results that would have alleviated your stress and we did not do enough marriage therapy to circle even the activities in the back of the book. I thought the vision of a perfect relationship between us, the list we wrote together, was a lovely one...and one I could strive for.  One I could accomplish had I been given the chance. We both have things to work on in ourselves.  Was it so selfish to hope we could work on them together and in support with each other?  I felt like...love like ours so was so strong.  We found each other through such chance and what we had was so magical and wonderful.  Was it truly worth discarding? I do not want to own you.  I do not want a parent.  I want a partner who will be on my team and tackle issues together.  I want a strong voice and one I am not afraid to be strong back to.  If we could have worked on it, that submissive fear in me would have vanished.  I was only ever araid that revealing my fears and thoughts would cause you to abandon me. They did.  It happened directly after I revealed them. Maybe that’s why I am so afraid of you...I aways knew in my heart that you might wake up one day and fall out of love with me, break the spell that was on you and leave.  I could not stop it. All I could do was ask.  Please.  Please reconsider.  Please remember all the wonderful times we had and our life together. Please don’t discard us. But that was then and this is now. Communication. It must feel heavy that I am in the state I am now.  Our world turned upside down as the entire world turned upside down.  I lost my employment, botched my interviews, lost consistent connection to my friends all at the same time.  A complete destruction of my life. I told our friend that if I survived this, I could likely survive anything life threw at me.  But we both know how deeply I plummeted and how hard it is to escape from there.  In my heart, I think the others are right.  You will not return for a long time and next I speak to you...I will not recognize you.  You will not speak to me the same way.  There will be so many new walls.  You will hide away portions of your life and double check all your actions to make sure I won’t read into them. What kind of a relationship is that? No.  Better to abandon me entirely.  Remove me from your life. Block me completely and cut me out.  I am just another ex of yours that you cannot afford to have in your life...not because I will threaten you, but because I won’t stop loving you. Why would I? There is so much in us that was worth saving.  I never asked to be apart from you.  I never sought escape.  The times before we were married?  Immaturity.  Now? The longer I partake in therapy the more I realize that I am someone who does not easily give up on people.  I do not have the same skill you do for cutting people off.  I never learned that skill and instead pushed for reconciliation and repair.  I saved many relationships this way...and also locked myself in abusive ones or got myself hurt. Pluses and negatives to all sides. I await you taking the last of your things.  And then I will do us both the favor of disappearing from your life.  When you are finally done with me and the last of it is over...I will remove myself from your sight. Should I not?  What would you gain by befriending me?  What could you get from me you couldn’t from anyone else?  Are you not popular?  Are you not beautifuul and passionate and talented?  You will never lack for friends and those who want to get close to you. Lose yourself in a new life and forget me. Be free, yes? What will become of me?  I don’t know.  I have not decided.  I have lost all vision of the future and so wherever friends try to drag me just seems like more emptiness.  My creativity is gone.  My passion is gone.  I barely subsist and continue to deteriorate. “You must not pursue” the therapists say, “She will only put more distance between you.” “What is the point,” I answer, “She has already put the distance there.  I have no way back.” “Live for yourself” they say. “Why bother,” I answer, “Consider.  I have led myself into a career path I hated.  I spent twelve years in two relationships that left me more fucked up than when I began them.  I exhibit narcissistic abusive tendancies, I worry my friends, I terrifyi my already controlling parents.  I am manipulative.  I am weak.  I have lost almost everything I sink my value into.  Now, as the world collapses around me?  I collapse faster.  I toy with suicide and people have begun to believe I was never serious.” Honestly.  Just because I save spiders from being flung from the windshield into the highway?  Harldy a trait worth preserving. You are not the lynchpin of my life, but you delivered a devestating blow directly during a time I was perhaps most vulnerable before Ia time I would be made much more vulnerable by a global pandemic.  It was a bad time for it to happen )(Although no good time existed). It did give me the opportunity to discover all the opinions our extended friend group had about you though.  They range from “Likely cheated on you for six or so months before this moment” to “She is a hero”. I imagine my reputation is similarly mottled, were you to poll.

Ah...what a contentious bunch they all can be.  My crowning accomplishment, bringing them together as a safe space...what a farce. Liz called me a narcissitic abuser.  A monster.  I wrestled with that ever since.  Now I see where she must have seen it.  I see where you should see it as well.  You could not see a future in which we were able to grow together and be happy.  You lost faith in us and nothing could convince you to reignite it.  My greatest failing will always be that I could not show you the us I saw and how to get there. That I left too much damage in the relationship unresolved...I had thought...hoped even, that I had been able to address it and have your forgivness.

Perhaps I never could.

Maybe you really should cut me out entirely.   If you are biding your time, waiting to tell me in person that if we are to be friends it won’t be for a long long time, maybe a year or so.  You might as well block me off everything and communicate through friends to get the remainder of your things. It would be much less cruel then making me wait. I know you did this for us.  I will always be grateful to you for the time you spent convincing me that our marriage was safe space, that I could always come back here for love and support.  It was the happiest four years of my life...even with the circumstances.  Because I remember each and every one of our adventures and good times much better than any fight we ever had.  I could always buy you presents when I was upset at you.  My love was always stronger than my fear or my frustration or my sorrow. Once you told me all you wanted me to say is that I wanted you to come home and to be with me. I know that is not the case now. But all I want is for you to come home.  Watch a show with me cuddled up on the couch in blankets.  I want you to play Animal Crossing so I can make silly voices for the villagers.  I want to talk move universes with you, theories.  I want you to put makeup on me so we can see how it will look, I want to cram into an awkward bath with you.  I want to wrestle with you and piggyback walk you outside. I want to save worms from puddles with you.  I want to pick flowers with you. I want you to sit me down and teach me to craft and marvel at my terrible work. I want to learn to play the guitar while you practice on the uke. I want to dance in our living room. I will never love someone like you again.  You were a brilliant sunspot in my life.  You made things better and taught me to believe in myself and see beauty in myself. I wish I could have done as much for you...perhaps then this would not be thrown away. This was never a gamble to me.  This will never be a bump in the road. I cannot change the past, but I want to change the future.  If you believed in me once, maybe you could again someday. I miss you.  I miss talking to you. But I will delete myself from your life to save you from having to deal with me. Just a little more time. Just a little more time to hope, and then I’ll be gone.