#Raccoon Barty is everything

[starchaseriseverything]

James: Reg, why is there a raccoon in your lap?

Regulus: Barty.

James: Barty, put a raccoon in your lap?

Regulus: No. He layed down in my lap.

James: Anyone want to explain?

Dorcas: The raccoon is Barty.

James: Barty is an animagus!?

-

Evan: There's a deer chasing Barty.

James: *Shifts* I am not a deer! I am a stag!

Pandora: James is an animagus!?

James: Shit.

[tiredofthehumanlife]

Was that a fucking raccoon

Barbie dolls: rosekiller x you (Barty crouch, Evan rosier, &you)

Word: 1.8k ish

Summary: Barty goes on a fun adventure on his way to cuddling with you and Evan in his animagus form

Warnings: Barty is raccoon. Allusions to dorlene

Barty enjoyed wrecking havoc while in animagus form. A.) no one really knew who it was so there were basically no reprucusions. B.) he liked hearing people go ‘was that a fucking raccoon?’. He like how easy it was for him to take shiny things. He basically became a niffler. He liked how his tiny little raccoon hands could get into nooks and crannies he couldn’t in human form. Barty liked crawling around on the ceiling and dropping down onto people when they least expected it. He wasn’t sure how long he physically could stay in animagus form, but he knew after two days straight he’d forget his size. He’d try to scatter off through a small hole only to realize he was a people :(.

The second he found out all the student body had an extra free day, he knew he’d be in animagus form. Barty woke up quite early that day, 10 am. He jumped out of bed, immediately turning into a raccoon. Barty skittered out the door and started racing up and down the halls, deciding what to do first. He ran out towards the courtyard, deciding fresh air was his first task. Barty ran around the closest tree, before making his way up into the branches. He found a squirrel frozen in fear from his presence. Barty heard someone talking under the tree. He poked his head down.

It was the same guy from second year who tripped Evan. Barty attacked the squirrel, pushing it off the branch. The squirrel squirmed in the air as it fell. It hit the boy square in the head, before clawing at his shoulders. Barty chirped out a laugh as the squirrel ran away, leaving a large scratch mark on the boys face. Barty pranced off the branches waltzing away from the tree.

Barty walked down the halls, looking for something else to do. Barty spotted the door to his least favorite professor off to the side. Once you came in late to his class and the professor wouldn’t let you in, you missed the entire class. Barty considered it karma. He ran into the office, scattering behind the desk. He found a locked drawer. He was able to pick the lock easily, his tiny raccoon hands working swiftly. He peered inside. Boring test answers. So maybe stealing wasnt the best route, there’s nothing much to take.

He started running around the room, knocking over everything he could. He kicked over the professor’s tea, spilling it on his papers. Barty continued chasing his own tail around the room. He broke glass items. He ripped papers. He found the professor’s snack drawer. Barty was deciding which snacks he wanted more when he heard the door smack into a knocked over chair.

“What the hell?” Barty poked his head up, over the edge of the desk. The professor stared at him blankly. Barty latched onto the closest three snacks before running off. He slid between the professor’s legs, out the door. He ran down the hallway, ignoring the professors yells. He turned the corner and hid in a nearby empty closet.

Barty sat on the floor, looking to see which snacks he got. He got a bag of pretzels, Fritos, and an individually wrapped cupcake. He ripped open the pretzel bag. A few flung into the air. One smacked him in the head. He ignored it munching on his pretzels. Barty hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, though now it’d be more of a lunch. He finished his pretzels fairly quickly. Barty wiped his hands on his fur before ripping into the Fritos. He finished those fast too. He looked at the cupcake, deciding he’d save it for later. He looked around the closet. Barty climbed up the shelf. He searched through all the cleaning supplies. He found a small blue towel. He snatched it and jumped off the shelve. He landed on his feet just fine, picking the cupcake and towel in between his teeth.

He left his trash in the closet, before running back out into the halls. Barty needed to find Dorcas. He scattered off towards her favorite place. In the hall towards the astronomy tower was a cushioned bench. Dorcas often sat and read there. It was quiet and very few people actually left down that hall.

Just as he suspected, Dorcas was sitting on the bench with her book open in her lap. He ran up towards her. She glanced up at the sound of a raccoon’s paws. Barty jumped up onto the bench, dropping the small towel and cupcake on her book. She brushed her fingers between his eyes, petting the top of his head.

“Hello, Barty. I see you're stealing today.” Barty flared his teeth at her. Lies. Barty would never steal. He just borrows without permission. Barty patted the towel before jumping back onto the floor and pointing at her backpack on the ground.

“You want something out of my backpack?” Barty huffed and slapped his paw on top of the towel again. Dorcas stared at the towel for a long moment before she glanced back at her backpack.

“You want the towel to be a little raccoon backpack?” Barty celebrated her understanding by spinning around in a circle. Dorcas nodded, accepting the challenge. Dorcas was a quite crafty person, Barty was entirely certain she could do it. After a few minutes of Barty exploring the area around the bench, bored of sitting and waiting, Dorcas called out to him. He came back to her. She motioned for him to spin around. Barty followed her orders. Dorcas gently helped Barty slip his arms through the straps of his towel backpack.

He chittered happily. Barty patted the cupcake in Dorcas’ lap before spinning around again. Dorcas understood, slipping the cupcake into his backpack. Barty chittered again, giving Dorcas a nip on her finger in appreciation. He started off again, his claws clacking on the stone floors. Just as he turned the corner he ran into someone's boots. Barty pulled back, staring up at the assailant.

Marlene stared down at him in confusion. She squated down and reached out to pet him. Barty pulled his head away. He heard Dorcas call Marlene’s name. Marlene glanced up towards the corner. She stepped around Barty as he ran away. Barty slid down the stair banisters as he headed towards the Slytherin common room.

He took a shortcut through the courtyard. Barty spotted a pretty color out of the corner of his eye. He backtracked. Barty plucked the flower. He held it between his teeth as he booked it the common room again.

On his way he noticed familiar hair hanging on the wall. Pandora had found a high up window sill. It was thick enough for her to lay on her back up there. Her head was dangling upside down from the edge of the sill. Barty chittered. Pandora smiled at him upside down. Barty spun around in a circle, earning a cheer from Pandora. Barty sat back on his hind legs, pulling the flower out from between his teeth. He held it out towards Pandora. She gasped and pulled her wand from her pocket. The flower left Barty's hand, floating off towards Pandora. Just as Barty was about to leave, Pandora called to him.

A small box of dark chocolate came down from the window sill, settling gently in front of him. Barty purred, thanking Pandora. He picked up the box before prancing into the common room. The door opened. The mystery Hogwarts raccoon was an honorary Slytherin in the student body’s eyes.

The few people in the commonroom greeted him with various names. No one could pick their favorite so he was ‘Mr. Snuffles Patty-cake Betty Brian Mittens Trashy Panda Man’ most of the time. If someone reached out to pet him he jumped away.

Today Mr. Snuffles Patty-cake Betty Brian Mittens Trashy Panda Man was on a mission. He ran up the stairs to the dorms. Barty took them as fast as one raccoon can go. He found the door easily. It was propped open with a book, a divination book more specifically. Barty set the box down before nudging the door open with his nose. He grabbed onto the box with his teeth again, prancing into the dorm. He shut the door with his behind before glancing around the room.

Your shoes were set perfectly straight on the floor next to Evan's bed. Your bookbag was sat next to them. Barty ran over to Evan's bed, seeing the outline of you both on top of it. Barty tripped over your shoes, knocking them out of place. He dropped the box of chocolate out of his mouth before standing up on his hind legs, pawing at the sheets. He announced his presence with a sad chirp, missing out cuddles. You popped your head up, glancing down. You smiled at seeing your favorite raccoon.

“Hello, darling. Did you have fun?” You muttered petting Barty between his ears.

“Barty's back?” Evan whispered his voice muffled by his pillow. You watched as Barty pulled his box of chocolate up, holding it out towards you. You took it and set it on the bed, before helping Barty up onto the mattress. Barty grabbed onto the chocolate pulling it towards the gap in-between you and Evan.

Your legs were pressed against each other. There was a large gap in between you two. The only other part of your bodies that were touching were your foreheads. The space between you two was creating a makeshift nest.

Barty pushed the box of chocolate towards Evan. Evan peeked one eye open, teetering on sleep. He smiled at Barty, thanking him. Evan picked up the box, turning backwards to set on his nightstand. Evan thanked Barty again, giving him scritches behind his ears. Barty turned his back towards you, pointing his backpack out towards you.

You helped his arms out of the makeshift sleeves. Barty spun around, pulling the cupcake out of the towel. He jutted his head out towards you, the cupcake package held between his teeth. You gently took the cupcake out of his mouth. He stared at you as you awkwardly sat with it in your hands.

“For me?” Barty nodded, nudging it further back into your palm. You cooed, rubbing Barty under his chin. He purred at you. You set your cupcake on the other nightstand behind you. You laid back down pressing your forehead against Evan's again. Barty spun around in circles between you two, trying to find a comfortable place. He finally sat down, curling up into a ball.

You reached out and pet him gently. Barty's eyes fluttered close. Your movements slowed as you fell asleep yourself, your hand resting on Barty's back.

Barty loved wreaking havoc in his animagus form, but his absolute favorite thing is cuddling with his two partners in animagus form. He didn't appreciate Evan's loud ass snores, though.

[morsmortish]

thinking about barty crouch jr’s animagus as a scorpion…

listen. hyena and raccoon are thrown around a lot. for what it’s worth, i DO somewhat see the feral, bloodthirsty interpretation, and i must say i agree with the hyena hc to a much greater degree (it’s imagining a hyena’s teeth that convinces me). but i’ve always thought of barty as slightly less primitive and more…precise. he’s savage and deadly but the way he poses a threat is not through unrestrained, barbaric brutality, but more through a calculated, cruel precision. yes, there is a part of him that wants to rip things apart with his teeth but in the grand scheme of things i can’t help but see barty as delivering a final blow not with a raw savagery, but with a razor sharp, poisoned sting. he is somewhat impulsive, like when he lunges at harry at the end of gof, but more than that, he is so calculated. he seems so much more machiavellian and cunning than uncontrollable and barbaric to me, especially thinking about the detail of his plotting in gof. he builds a whole situation, sets everything up so perfectly, and his plan SUCCEEDS. all of his dominoes fall right into place and voldemort returns, and barty doesn’t necessarily ‘win’ here through brute force, by ripping anything apart, but by carefully piecing something together. he constructs a near perfect plan and. it. works. even the way the story is written presents a final, deadly blow of the portkey and the graveyard, rather than a constant sense of attrition. barty’s final blow is venomous and fatal and, above all, PRECISE. harry is sent into that maze with every piece laid out perfectly, and no one even knows. it’s perfect.

this was supposed to be short but i just had another thought. the story of the scorpion and the frog. the overarching moral of the story is that vicious people cannot resist hurting others even if it hurts them as well, which i see as relating far more to regulus than to barty, who i don’t believe would never do anything not in his own interest. however, something else that i pick up on is the scorpions attitude. from the moment he agrees to his deal with the frog, he knows he his doomed. he knows his own nature and he knows what he will do. he accepts his fate and he drowns, just as he knew he would. to me, this is like barty knowing and accepting the risk he is in when first joining the de, then knowing that from the moment regulus and evan and his mother die, he will join them soon enough. to me, barty has accepted his fate by gof, and he sets out on his mission knowing what will happen just like the scorpion setting out on his journey across the river did. doomed from the start, and he goes down with a smile. he still got what he wanted, in the end.

[pinkbubbles06]

Rosekiller Headcanons Pt. 2

Part 1

These may be out of order or be repeating from pt 1 but it’s only cuz I got excited…

Annnyyyyywayyyyy…. HERE WE GO!!

* Barty would be that type of person to have a thought process along the lines of “Evan deserves someone better than [insert name of whoever Evan is currently dating here]. If it were me dating him, I’d treat him much better.”

* And then he would proceed to not think on that any harder.

* Every time Barty gets an angry owl from his dad, he gets so overwhelmed by anger to the point being called by their name makes him want to scream. So all his friends start calling him "idiot" "pretty boy" "raccoon" "dumbass" respectivly until he calms down.

* lets not get it twisted, evan was 100% crazier than barty.

* Before they got together Barty would beg Pandora to make flower crowns so he could give them to Evan. If the flower crowns were from anyone else Evan would burn them on the spot. But anything from Barty he cherished forever.

* The second barty would come bounding up the hill towards him in spring, flower crown in hand, Evan would smile gently as Barty placed it on his head with such pride and joy.

* After they got together, Barty made Panda teach him how to make them so he could do it himself.

* Evan spends half his time saying "shut the fuck up" to Barty because weird stupid shit always falls out of his mouth

* (and he does shut up 'cause that man is whipped)

* Barty always forgoes pockets for the sake of fashion, and so Evan’s pockets are always full of random things of Barty’s that Barty can’t carry in his hands

* Barty is a mommas boy ™️

* Barty was shorter than Evan for the longest time but in 3rd year he had a growth spurt in the summer and was towering over Evan when they saw each other on the train.

* Barty would talk to his mother about anything and everything and he mostly spoke of Evan.

* Barty’s mom had a beautiful garden and Barty asked her if she could teach him to plant roses one summer.

* When Evan came over the next summer Barty was so proud to show him the roses he grew just for him.

* barty whose eyes are locked on Evan’s throat, he wants to leave his marks all over there, bite the soft and perfect looking skin, make it his home

* then he gets hit over the head by dorcas with a pan, and she tells him to be normal

* Barty always found it real hot when Evan gets pissed and bangs someone’s head into a wall until their blood is running down their face. He loved it when Evan was insane.

* (Evan is more crazy than Barty is. Period. You can’t convince me otherwise.)

* Regulus never understood why Evan and Barty were so deranged sometimes. He’s a good child.🥲

* evan's last thought before being hit by moody's bombarda was the way barty smiles between their kisses

* Barty would always absentmindedly play with Evan’s hair at all times

* Whenever they would go out in the winter, Evan would always tell Barty to bring a coat, even though he knows he will end up carrying it for Barty because coats make him feel trapped sometimes.

* He would just be like: "wear a jacket, it's cold out!”

* And Barty would be like: ”uggghhhhh fineeeee!!!”

* Barty always opened the door for Evan or pulled his seat out before he sat down

* Evan: did you eat today?🤨

Barty: yes….👀

Evan:

Barty:

Evan: eat something love.😘

Barty:

Barty: fine.😒

* Barty wants so bad to be Evan’s trophy wife lol

* After Barty proposed, he would daydream of the moment he first sees Evan at the altar. Like. He’s so in love guys.

* barty absolutely LOVES valentine’s day and uses it as an excuse to be as publicly sexual as possible, loudly flirtatious, and is wrapped around evan like a condom

* evan pretends to DESPISE valentine’s day, acting like he forgets about the occasion just to get on Barty’s nerves- dodging his attempts to flirt / touch, and makes a show to be as unromantic as possible. on the inside, he’s squealing and kicking his feet

* Even hated Barty at first they would argue sooooo much!!!

* But then Barty grew on him like he does with every one

* Evan loves making Barty cry during sex. Especially if he is overstimulated.

* Evan loooovvvveeeessss overstimulating Barty during sex. (Barty loves it too btw lol)

* Ives said it before and I will say it again because it need to be a thing. EVAN IS NOT NOT TIMID AND HESITANT!!!! HE IS A PHYCO!!!! HE IS WORSE THAN BARTY GUYS!!! LIKE COME ON!!!!! IK I SAID THAT THE FIST TIMEHE AND BARTY DANCED HE WAS INSECURE BUT THEY WERE REALLY YOUNG AROUND THAT TIME!!! LIKE 14!!! (At least in my head…) AFTER THAT INE TOME HE WAS SOOOOO CONFIDENT!!!

* (sorry for yelling lol)

* Any way….

* if you don’t think regulus had a little sign with the amount of times barty got pushed off the beds for being a little shit ur so wrong

* Barty‘s mother had a huge family estate in the countryside that Barty’s mother and he would go and live in during the summer. it’s also where her garden is. Barty would drag Evan along every time

* Barty’s dad lived in the city because of his job…

* Barty would mostly stay at his father’s, his mom wasn’t really mentally there sometimes. He would really only be able to stay with her a week at most before having to go back to his dad again till she got better again. Probably like 3 weeks at least….

* They announced their relationship on April Fools and were both laughing their ass off watching Hogwarts try to figure out if they were actually dating or not.

* Evan is really shitty about being woken up. like if he falls asleep on the couch just leave him there, don’t wake him up to try and get him to go to bed because he will bite your head off. When Barty finds him on the couch in the common room he will settle down and cuddle up next to him and read a book. Or take a nap with him lol. Depends

[ellecdc]

i am struggling with explaining my immense love for marauders era barty to my bestie, who mostly lives in the jamespetersiriusremus hole of the fandom. i can't find a proper way to describe him?? and he is not a fic reader, so i can't even give him your fics to explain (bc they explain EVERYTHING) so can you PLEASE help me make a short elevator pitch for our barty boy. like how do you describe him?? i've told him to not think about the david tenant goblet of fire barty, but instead think of the slytherin boy dramaqueen sassy superloyal acid green hair punkish raccoon barty, but he just doesn't GET ITTTTT

“I’m literally just a girl” - Barty Crouch Jr

Hope this helps!!!

[borderline personality disorder, daddy issue, chaos junkie, over achieving, insanely (almost criminally) intelligent, fiercely dedicated friend who only knows how to give/receive love via sex at first]

[welcometoels]

Session Twelve - Monthend

Among the entrails of a giant lizard creature and an undead Dragonborn, the victorious party stands.  The skies have cleared, and off to the south, a huge tower stands - Monthend.

This is a matter for tomorrow, though, since cleaner-turned-publican-turned-mayor Tiatha Rowe is standing in the doorway of the Jaunty Skinner, furious about the gore that slicks her entryway.  She fetches buckets, mops and brooms, and gets Normal Leg Barty on the case.

Oddsock is discomforted by the idea of cleaning and hides himself behind some barrels, but Julius mucks in with gusto, using his druidic magic to help sluice the worst of the detritus away from the pub.

Once everything and everyone is looking cleaner, Tiatha locks the pub doors, fetches all the bedding from upstairs, and invites everyone to enjoy ale and food on the house.  Barty fetches out a roasted two-faced pig from the back, along with some grilled fish for Julius.

A squeak is heard from Oddsock’s pack, and beside him appears two barrels, both marked in Infernal with their names - Elvish Juice and Jackies’ Hammer.  Accompanying them is a letter - also in Infernal - and a little bag of treats.  Oddsock wolfs down the treats before reading the letter, which is just as well, since that is what the letter instructs him to do.

The treats taste of Oddsock’s favourite meats - a mixture of imp and beholder flesh - barbecued and mixed with a variety of warm spices.  He feels a pleasant burn in his throat, which gives way to a gentle tingle of power.

Barty, spotting the barrels, fetches them over to the bar and taps them.  The sheer number of revellers proves to be a problem, however - the pub is short three clean mugs.

X produces her bejewelled Cup of Sune, and Oddsock his iron dog bowl.  Talion, after a moment, remembers the simple wooden cup in his pack, and produces it.

Barty - a man of the world who has seen many a magical thing - feels sure he recognises the cup, and asks for one of the party’s potions.  Filling the cup, he passes it to the clearly wounded Freginald.  Supping it down, the burly fighter reports that the potion seems to be at full potency.  Furthermore, he can sip what he needs from the potion, and leave the rest for another person.

At this time, what he needs is the whole lot, so he chugs it down before getting an ale.

Oddsock, meanwhile, has a chew on his dragon toy Tim, and requests an audience with his patron in his domain, rather than just at the edge of unreality.  It’s his first time in his patron’s lair, and he finds it rather comfortable - a small bar with a single beer pump dominates one wall, while the rest of the cosy space is bedecked with cushions and low tables, with howling dog head lanterns on the walls, spitting balls of fire from their mouths.

The two enjoy a nice chat over a fresh IPA, while Oddsock quizzes the black-robed figure about various things - mostly about the meanings of terms like “core competencies” and “vertical integration”.  The patron is unsure, and advises him to seek out a more evil being for these answers.

Back in regular reality, Julius carves a couple of his pebbles - one in the likeness of Barty, and the other as he imagines X’s goddess Sune.  Both turn out quite well, and he decides to offer them up as parting gifts in the morning.

Talion, meanwhile, begins a new composition - a stirring number that details the events from his arrival in Dogwood to the final defeat of Slathiel.  Even at these early stages, it is a fine song, and one that will doubtless get even better with successive renditions.

Kadis sits apart from the fun, contemplating the gear that was planted in his hand by mysterious forces.  It is made from a smooth material, with a suggestion of unknown magics.  In this respect, it is just like the egg that hangs next to his idol, but he feels no connection to it.

The drinking and eating continues with much joyous revelry, until the air is filled with the sound of steam-powered hooting.  Aberron - who had secreted himself in a corner with the remains of his brass owl Dominique - holds aloft his repaired companion, who spreads her wings in celebration.

The night draws on and the food and ale dwindles until nothing remains but sleep.  Oddsock gets the best place for himself - right by the hearth, in a pile of racoons.

The party has strange dreams of a creepy house filled with unknowable horrors, though Kadis finds that his usual writhing tentacles are confined behind a locked door.

After a moment, he finds himself on the other side of that door.  Before him is a single, glowing egg.  A dark tentacle slinks up and around it, clutching it tighter and tighter until the shell breaks.

Then, he sees a face.  Though it is older by some margin than the last time he saw it, it is definitely his own, with the strip of material bound around his eyes.

After a couple of minutes, he comes to a realisation:

He is no longer asleep.

As he reaches up to touch his face, his vision blurs and skips, until he can see himself from an elevation, lying on the inn floor with his friends.

Taking a moment to gain his bearings, he begins to move to where he believes the vision is coming from.  Understandably disoriented, he stumbles over Julius, who awakes with a hiss and a grumble.

Assisting each other, the two find the source of the visions - a tiny little floating green ball with a single eye in the middle, and four miniscule flickering tentacles.

Based on their encounter at Mansion de Mortesque, Julius identifies it as a beholder - probably a newborn, and much more alive than the one they fought before.

Julius gives Kadis a once-over, and finds nothing new or different about him that would explain his connection to the creature.  He does, however, notice that the mysterious idol is gone, and shards of it are across the monk’s chest.  The only thing that remains on Kadis’ necklace is the egg that was once a black-green lantern.

Feeling the bond with this creature, Kadis holds out his hand and beckons it to him.  It floats warily over, before nestling into his palm and purring gently.  Julius takes copious notes, and observes that the beholder’s connection to Kadis is similar to his own link with the fey weasel Rupert - who, upon hearing his name, pops up from under Julius’ potato sack robe, squeaking curiously.

By now, the rest of the party has awoken.  After a series of disgruntled borks, Oddsock accepts the new arrival, though Talion remains unimpressed.  The baby beholder, a little overwhelmed, tucks itself into Kadis’ clothes, peeking out with its little bulbous eye.

Now that the sun has risen, Tiatha unlocks the doors and Barty brings out the breakfast - porridge, and eggs in various styles from a farm in the north.  Oddsock tucks in to the eggs, and Julius enjoys the porridge, though Kadis and Talion are rather more wary.

After breakfast, Julius hands over his carved pebbles to their intended recipients.  Barty is moved almost to tears by the gift, but he keeps his cheeks dry through the sheer power of swarthiness.  X is also delighted, though she does mistake the woman in the carving for Em.  In either case, she is enchanted.

And so, the time comes for departures.  Aberron and Freginald decide to stay in Dogwood to pursue their new trades of artificery and tattoo artistry respectively.  38/12 also opts to stick around for a while to assist Aberron with his research into... whatever 38/12 is.

X and Gyder, unsurprisingly, decide to move on, having unfinished business elsewhere.  Barty also chooses to leave, to return home to his Polly - the most beautiful bird there ever was.  To fill his post at the Skinner, Tiatha recruits Dandy Bianco, former castle guard and horse testicle enthusiast.

Also leaving town today, though with very little fondness, is Eno Greysect.  Tired of his home being pissed upon and his nose being punched upon, he hangs up a sign reading “God Does Not Live Here” and strides miserably south.

Oddsock, naturally, changes the first word to “Dog” as he trots over to bid farewell to the Jackies.  His firm raccoon friends have committed themselves to keepings Oddsock’s beers brewing, and will share the profits next time he visits.  They also ask that he spreads the word of Dogwood to the Monthenders, so they they can grow the town and eventually start a proper Chamber of Commerce.

Oddsock agrees, and wonders how long it will be before the Jackies become mayors of the town.  Jackie Face mulls this over with a peculiar look upon his face while Oddsock exits cheerfully, a four pack of new raccoon-made health potions in his pack to share with the party.

Having bid farewell to their new friends, the party leaves town.  Then, after a moment, they return, having forgotten that they have two horses.  Then they leave town.

On the way to Monthend, a couple of things break up the journey.  Firstly, as evening draws in, the team arrives at the southern farm - the journey being much quicker with horses and without displacer beasts.

As they arrive, they see a familiar, unconscious Dwarf being loaded into a wagon, and being shuttled off to Monthend.  Apparently, last night, an undead Dragonborn burst out of the ground, shouting about a monk that had stolen his lantern, startling former trading post manager Grum Swabspud half to death.

The party feigns ignorance as they join the farmers for some simple food (no porridge) and some beds for the night.

Shortly after departing in the morning, they encounter a group of mounted High Elves, on their way to investigate the town that had suddenly appeared in the woods around (and owned by) Monthend.  Embracing the opportunity to quiz some of the new town’s residents, they join the group on the road to Monthend.

Many questions follow, most of which are answered by another stirring rendition of Talion’s new song.  The Elven guards vow to pass on the information - especially the addition details regarding new trading opportunities with several individuals named Jackie.

At the gates of Monthend, a miserable little horse administrator takes down the details of their steeds so they they can be kept in the stables until they leave.  When asked for the names of their horses, the team freezes - they never named them.  Fortunately, Oddsock uses his broken knowledge of Domestic Animal to speak to them and ask them.

Turns out they’re both called Horse.  Who would’ve thought?

After receiving a receipt made out to group leader Mr O Sock, the adventurers find themselves in the luxurious, high-end sprawl of Els’ unofficial capital, with nothing on their schedule.  This can mean only one thing...

Shopping!

Over the next couple of hours they put some serious damage into their communal funds.  Kadis purchases a new cloth to cover his eyes - one that can be carefully adapted to secrete an infant beholder, with a little slit for it to peek out.  Julius also opts for clothes, but something in a thicker hide than his current clobber.

Talion and Oddsock have their sights set on something more magical.  The dog goes sniffing around for magic ink, to transfer some Necromantic cantrips from the Mortesque books to his magical codex, while Talion attempts to chat with girl at the counter - a surly High Elf of no more than 90 years, with a tag that reads “Hello!  My Name Is NUNYA”

His conversational gambits are rebuffed, so he tries a little magical charm.  Suddenly, a crystal on the counter flashes with a lightning bolt that he barely avoids, and the girl taps a little sign on the counter which says “Do Not Charm The Staff”

Chastened, he browses the shelves an finds a copper bracelet within his price range, which slightly improves his weak constitution.  The High Elf rings up the sale with the same sullen disposition, tapping the sign reading “Do Not Bother The Staff” when Oddsock demands to speak to their raccoon.

Threats to speak to a supervisor follow, and the girl taps her Supervisor badge, and then a sign simply reading “No”.  The two leave the shop under a cloud, but take their revenge in their signature ways:  Talion playing a vicious polemic about poor customer service upon his lyre, while Oddsock pisses in the doorway.

On their way to rejoin the others, Kadis and Julius encounter a harried Tabby Tabaxi trying to wrangle two kitten-aged Persians out of the gutter where they’d found a rat, whilst also pushing a third kitten in a pram.  Julius goes over to introduce himself and offer assistance, but the Tabby panics and ushers her young charges away.

The group as a whole is a little put out by their experiences in Monthend, but a little cheer follows as a crow-like Kenku rounds the corner, shouting about happy hour at The Wayward Alchemist.  He hands the group some flyers filled with food and drink offers, and they notice a sign around his neck reading “I Repeat Your Message For One Gold A Day.”

Julius and Talion try to engage him in conversation, but all he does is repeat what they say back at them.  Realising what is going on, Talion pens a short missive, hands the Kenku a gold coin, and reads aloud:

New trade routes have opened up to Dogwood!  Come and visit the best new town in Els!

The Kenku pauses, then repeats it word for word, before offering them a chance to change the message if needed.  Most of the party members are satisfied, but one adds “Presented By Oddsock” to the message before accepting the final draft.

The Kenku waddles on, alternating between his new Dogwood message and the one for The Wayward Alchemist.

Since they are now at a loose end, and since the position of the sun as it descends behind a clock tower suggests that it is now happy hour, the party decides to check out this tavern.

The handy map on the back of the flyer leads them out of the well-heeled streets of central Monthend, and into the less salubrious (though still adequately-heeled) outskirts.

Oddsock takes a minor detour after spotting a church of Commerce on the mini-map, and after sullying their windows with magically hurled dog eggs, soiling the curtains and placing anti-capitalist propaganda runes on the steps, he skips cheerfully along to join the rest of the crew.

The Wayward Alchemist is a large, stone building, with a large, stone doorman.  Julius introduces himself, and the Golem returns the greeting, indicating the name carved into his chest:  Stopdick.  He opens the door for the party, and they enter.

The interior is bustling with customers enjoying two-for-one Jinn & Tonics, and waiting staff in very little clothing.  Kadis and Oddsock are slightly overwhelmed, but Julius takes in every detail with great clarity, from the fancy High Elf at the bar, to the stern Tiefling standing before a door at the back, next to a wide flight of stairs leading up.

As Julius heads off to introduce himself to the Tiefling - having never met one before - Talion regards the place with a lesser eye for the details, but a greater understanding.  With liquor in the front, and probably poker in the back, plus several scantily clad servers, he does the mental arithmetic and comes up with the most likely answer: brothel.  With a sly smile, he heads for the bar.

As he does, Julius engages in conversation with the Tiefling, whose name is Tabitha.  He boldly asks what she is, and she informs him that she is a bar manager, which Julius takes questionably accurate note of.  She asks if he plays cards, and, accurately judging the confusion on his little otter face, guides him gently towards the safety of the bar.

Down at the other end, Talion tries to gain the attention of a barman, but instead attracts the High Elf, who introduces himself as Herrington.  Pointing to the dragon scale on Talion’s necklace, he sidles in close and tells him that he and his friends are hunters too, and may have taken down a dragon or two themselves.

Unable to stop himself, Talion prepares to take a swing at Herrington, and is stopped at the last moment by a pressure on his elbow.  Beside and somewhat below him stands a very glamourous Halfling carrying a bottle of aged Goodberry wine on a tray.  She tugs at his arm insistently, and guides him back over to his friends, and then over to a nice quiet table at the back.

She introduces herself as Zanthia, and drops off the bottle on the table, along with four glasses.  She says that they are on the house - better than the watered down Happy Hour swill - and that she has a lot to talk to them about after her performance..

Before they can ask any questions, they are interrupted by a drunken hand across Zanthia’s buttocks.  A leering customer demands that she go and fetch him another drink - which, with a barely perceptible flash of something across her eyes, she does.

She then takes to the small stage at the far end of the bar.  Throughout the room, the candles dim, save for those that illuminate her.  Fetching up a saxophone from beside the stage, she performs a slow, haunting number - one which Talion finds strangely familiar.

The tempo has been slightly adjusted, and the key is different, but there is no mistaking it - The Ballad of Araniel: his signature composition.

Once the applause has died down, Zanthia returns to the table and invites the group to join her upstairs for a private conversation.  She knows who they all are, and needs their assistance.

The party remains silent - a silence only broken by the lecherous customer behind, as he snores face down into his drink.

[welcometoels]

Session Eleven - Slathiel

And so, our adventurers completed their quest for the four items of power, and returned them to the entity known as Slathiel, as promised.

Or did they?

Something about this being rubbed certain party members up the wrong way.  This, combined with the close personal connection each of them felt to one of the items, gave them pause.

Thus, a plan was hatched - each party member would speak to some of the friends they had made in town, and gather a little posse to speak to this so-called Slathiel - that way, if everything suddenly went wrong, they would have strong support in the ensuing battle.

Kadis makes the first move.  Stepping into Jackie & Clutchstraw’s, he has a friendly chat with Drow artificer Aberron - who, understandably, still has a lot of questions.  Kadis fills him in as best he can, and Aberron - after a quick consultation with his brass owl, Dominique - agrees.

Oddsock takes a more direct approach.  Storming into the Dogwood Trading Post (Presented By Himself), he invites Jackie Face to come out and play.  Jackie, though, has business in mind - specifically beer business.  The market research has gone swimmingly, with the new hoppy brew going down especially well with the hard-grafting carpenters in town - in particular with the man who took the lead on building the Potions & Artifices shop: a man they refer to fondly as Jackies’ Hammer.

After agreeing that this would make a fabulous name for the beer, Oddsock gives Jackie Face a few more details about the upcoming fight.  Face becomes uncharacteristically quiet, muttering under his breath about company values, teamwork and synergy, in a way the Dog finds strangely familiar.  Suddenly, Jackie Face disappears into a large box of miscellaneous armour parts in the corner, and promises to see the team outside shortly.

Talion heads over to the Jaunty Skinner to speak to his new buddy and nighttime companion Freginald Biceppe.  Being very well disposed towards both fighting and Talion - his two favourite things to do - Freginald needs very little encouragement to join the fray, and pledges his two meaty fists to the party’s cause.

On the other side of the pub, Julius finds Gyder at the bar with the latest in a line of foaming ales, and X at a nearby table, idly doodling couches with a distracted look on her face.  Gyder has a new haircut - trimmed almost to the skin at the sides and back, with a asymmetrical fringe.  It is the kind of cut that would look spiffy on an Elf, but serves mostly to accentuate the severity of her face.  This may have been the point.

Julius approaches both with a panicked entreaty for help.  X yelps and quickly hides her drawings, before asking what is wrong.  After a brief, stuttering rundown of the situation from the Otter, X immediately agrees to assist, and turns to Gyder.  The Half-Orc drains her ale in one swallow - game on.

Out in the town square, as everyone gathers, new companion Batch 38 Unit 12 is standing in conversation with Aberron Clutchstraw.  The Helpforged cleric is going into extensive detail regarding their inner workings, while the Drow stands agog, in rapt attention.

Suddenly, from the Trading Post door, there appears a strange contraption: Half of a suit of armour, with raccoon faces peeking out from the neck and wrist holes, mounted on a unicycle.  Jackies Left and Right clutch a katar and tea tray respectively, while Jackie Face shouts commands at Jackie Bottom’s madly pedalling feet.  Jackie Middle is in there somewhere, doubtless horribly warm at the heart of the hastily-assembled Mecha-Jackie.

Standing in the deepening dusk and watching with a sense of bemusement as this all take place, Slathiel now commands attention.  An agreement was made, a quest given and accepted, yet no items of power have yet been presented.  Folding their six golden arms and flapping their wings, Slathiel requests them once again.

It is now that the party begins to ask questions that had been festering since their first encounter - specifically about who Slathiel is, and what they need the gems and lanterns for - but Slathiel is not in an answering mood.

Talion laments his lack of a Detect Good & Evil spell, and 38/12 - helpful by design - twists the spell focus on their chest to the left, lighting up several magical runes imprinted on their body.  With a wave of their hand, the verdict is announced:

“This entity before us is... Evil.”

With that, Slathiel’s demeanour changes.  Unfolding their mighty ruby wings and taking flight up to the roof of the Jaunty Skinner, their form too begins to alter: The six golden arms merge into two thick, grey, scaly limbs, their height increases and their head widens, with a mouthful of sharp teeth and two cruel eyes glaring down at the gathered people below.

The creature hunches forward on the roof, turning its hands about in arcane gestures. “I gave you the chance to do what I asked,” it says, “but you have chosen death.”

From its scaly hands it shoots a Fireball, straight at 38/12.  The Helpforged dodges the worst of the blast, but Kadis and Aberron are less fortunate, finding themselves close to death.

Worse still, Dominique is hit full force by the flames, and is shattered to pieces - a pile of broken brass and a single bright gem lying where the owl once was.

38/12 does their best to apply healing, while X dashes over to assist and Aberron, recovering from the loss of Dominique, conjures up an Eldritch Cannon to imbue those nearby with bonus health.  The Jackies make a decent fist of pedalling in roughly the right direction, whilst buffing themselves with the Power of Commerce.

Deeper into the fight, those that can fire projectiles do so, to varying levels of success.  Kadis dashes round to the side of the inn with the intent to scale it, and Julius cast Faerie Fire on Slathiel, lighting it up like a festive tree.  Having achieved this, he transforms into a giant Wolf Spider, and begins to climb the front of the pub.

Slathiel, infuriated by this affront, descends, in order to bring the fight to the party.  Freginald takes this as his cue, and makes with the fancy footwork and fists to the face.  Talion lends his rapier to the fray, Gyder strides forth with her greataxe, and X conjurs up a spiritual weapon to assist.

Julius, abandoning the wall plan, drops his spider form and brings up a Moonbeam of radiant energy upon Slathiel, while Aberron moves in to support, Oddsock makes ready with Blasts both Eldritch and Searing, and the Jackies roll out in entirely the wrong direction.

Kadis, hearing the decent of Slathiel around the corner, attempt to jimmy open one of the Jaunty Skinner’s windows, with little success.  He does, however, attract landlady/mayor Tiatha Rowe’s attention, and asks her to fetch a lantern from the wall and bring it to him.

As all of this goes on, a terrible shout is heard from the south.  The figure that appears is familiar, but somewhat worse for where - green-scaled Dragonborn in dirt-covered robes, with a ragged sword wound at his throat.

As he charges in, he shouts after the monk who took his lantern.  The body may be Graindude, but the voice is pure Aberraton Mortesque.

He is a distant concern for now, out on the edge of town.  There are more pressing matters, such as the giant lizard who is now bearing down on Freginald, to terrible effect.

Fortunately, 38/12 is on hand to provide healing, while X lets rip with a Guiding Bolt.  Talion and Gyder cut away as Julius’ Moonbean shines down, and the Jackies nearly make it to the battle.

Back inside the Skinner, Tiatha has reached the window and hands a torch out to Kadis, along with a request that he try and keep the fight out of her pub.  This request becomes harder to fulfil, as Barty appears from the back.

Seeing the carnage on his doorstep, something changes inside the affable Gnome.  He pulls out his meat cleaver and carving knife, bellows several nautical oaths into the air, and charges forth with the rage of a sea storm.

Slathiel rears away from this new attack, and launches its fury at Freginald once again.  Undeterred, the brawny fighter hammers a fist straight into its jaw, smashing its head with furious vengeance and showering the inn’s chef with gore - which he loves.

And Lo!  What sight do we see here?  Losing control of the unicycle once again, the Jackies charge, by accident more than design, straight into the advancing corpse of the reanimated Graindude.  They set about his rotten head and shoulders with bites, jabs and tea tray slaps.

As this furious (and inadvertent) melee ensues, Kadis puts into action his torch plan.  Sharpening the unlit end, he channels his apple-lobbing skills and smashes the torch in the direction of the corpse... and misses completely.

Another fine plan foiled by the Dice Gods.

Fortunately, his friends are on hand with less convoluted fighting styles, and before long the revenant falls under fist, axe, rapier, raccoon, cutlery, magic blasts, and a final scourging strike from the Moonbeam, showering everyone with rotten Warlock.

Finally, quiet falls over Dogwood square.  Barty goes to draw a bath, and Aberron picks up the gem that used to be Dominique, promising to remake her better than ever.

The others simply stagger about, congratulating each other on a fight well fought, before becoming silent.

The whole world becomes silent.  Then, it begins to fade from view, and nothing can be seen, heard or felt around our party of four.

The round red gem and silver lantern rise from their keepers, and float in the air, joined in this negative space by the blue gem and green lantern.  As they float, they begin to dance in a slow circle above the party’s heads.

And then a voice.  A slow, calm, pleasant voice.

“Well done.  You were very good, very entertaining, wonderful to watch.  You were not fooled by that creature, and you have forged a beautiful bond as a party.

“We will meet again, I’m sure, elsewhere in this world.  But for now, I will leave you with a gift.”

The gems and lanterns begin to change form in the space above their heads.  The blue gem shrinks into a perfect blue pebble, and attached itself to Julius’ necklack, next to Pa McGinley’s charm; the green lantern becomes a small black and green egg, and sets itself next to Kadis’ cursed idol; The silver lantern flattens itself into something that could be a plectrum or a silver dragon scale, and hangs beside Talion’s jagged onyx charm; and the red gem becomes a gleaming red bottle cap, which hangs on to Oddsock’s leather tunic, at his neck.

Finally, the remains of Slathiel swim into view, and a perfect golden gem emerges from its skull.  This too undergoes a transformation, into a tiny golden gear, which lands in Kadis’ hand.

“There is one more,” says the disembodied voice.  “Make sure this gets to them.”

The world then rushes back into view, but not quite as it was.  The dusk sky is subtly different in colour - more vibrant than before - and way off to the south stands a tall spire.

It is completely unfamiliar to Oddsock, though Julius may once or twice have seen it on the far horizon, and Kadis and Talion will have heard tales of it - the tallest tower in Els.

It is Barty, though, who speaks.

“Monthend Spire,” he says, his voice filled with awe.  “Now I know where we are.”