#ROCKY IS LITERALLY HOMELESS???

[no-place-to-be-happy]

Literally illegal sooob

[peachfruitcake]

hi Sorry haven’t updated in so long lol life has been busy and a load of big changes took place

here’s low effort scribbles n doodles (in order from oldest to newest) all from the past several months

[wickmitz]

every time i reread lackadaisy i become stronger about my conviction that fans are WAY too harsh on mitzi and misunderstand her completely. you go online and see people treating her like satan incarnate when she’s genuinely just a person who’s grieving and lost. her and mordecai are two sides of the same coin and it’s crazy that people are kinder to him ( when he kills people, brutally, all the time and without remorse ) but never to her … like the things i’ve seen people accuse her of is baffling enough to make me wonder if i’m genuinely misreading the text tbh. even her character sheet on the lackadaisy website says this :

cannot stress enough everything we’ve seen from mitzi and know about her, both in the past and present, proves she was a tender hearted sort of person. she is not ruthless or cruel naturally, and has to continuously decide to commit to the harsh edges she’s desperately trying to wear. she’s selfish, yes, and does have her own myriad of flaws -- but she’s hardly some manipulative mastermind with no warmth in her heart. and knowing this makes her arc and her scenes ache all the more for it tbh

[lugarn]

Sex Worker Camp & Groundbreaking in Playboyy

You might say that sex worker camp is a genre that doesn't exist. 

You'd be wrong! For as long as there has been camp, there has been sex worker camp. Buckle up for a long meta!

I think the easiest, most well-known example of camp that touches on SW camp is Rocky Horror! Rocky is literally a gay sex bot in a narrative that's about exploring your sexual desires against the backdrop of what society has told you those desires are. He got to figure out what his desires were, even though he was created for a particular purpose! 

Sex work camp also engages with the fears of sex workers, since camp often engages (in ways that sometimes seem absurd) with the fears of the characters. I don't mean specifically a character's personal fears as much as I mean their fears for the role society has determined they have. We in theory have no caste systems in most countries today, but sex workers are still somehow usually at the bottom of the social hierarchy despite that.

That's a thing I love about sex work camp: the juxtaposition of desire and knowing that whatever desire you have has little place because you have a job or are performing a role. Ownership and roles are themes that are visited and revisited in Playboyy. In every single episode, there are questions about who owns who, and what the person being owned feels about the fact that they lack freedom, and exploring the ways in which every single one of the workers chooses or doesn't choose to be owned. 

The longer the show goes on, the deeper and more extreme we have gotten with roles and the limitations of roles, from the question of Zouey and his desires in episode one to the fact that Porsche and Prom are both sugaring for the same daddy and the things that means for both of them. There's been a satisfying (campy) heightening and recommitment to the theme in every episode with the roles and ownership becoming more and more complex and interconnected.

Another theme of sex work camp that is visited and re-visited is "characters doing sex work enjoy sex/sex work". Why? Because the dominant (heteropatriarchal) narrative is that sex workers are doing that job because we've been forced/"Circumstances". 

I know this is really putting myself out there, but I know people must be wondering, so let's go there: here's my connections to sex work! I grew up in a family where consensual, by-choice sex work was normalized and I spent a lot of time passively absorbing information about sex work and the people who do it. My family is incredibly sex-positive; a member of my family was a madam pre-covid; former and current sex workers are the celebrated decades-long partners of multiple members of my family. That's just my background, though. 

Most of my own personal experience is survival sex work--exchanging sex for things that meet your immediate needs, most often done by people living on or adjacent to the streets, often those with gaps in education. I was homeless at the time I was doing it; I didn't graduate high school. My story has been told a hundred times by a hundred different people. This is part of why I am so passionate on the subject of other narratives about sex workers and other types of sex work getting a chance to feature in media; my story is not just represented but over-represented. But the stories of people I know and love who engaged with the sex work industry far longer than me are still nowhere to be found.

Playboyy showcases sex workers as full people, no different than the rich boys they are dating/'dating', using their full agency to decide what are the best options in their own situations. It treats these decisions as correct and meaningful and doesn't treat the act of choosing sex work as pitiable or an inherently negative choice. The narrative also doesn't punish the characters for doing sex work.

(I'm aware it seems very much that Nant got hurt during sex work. They are going to great pains to humanize that pain, but there are other people whose narratives aren't about them being hurt by sex work: Teena, Soong, Jump. That's how you show a well-rounded story.)

This is the most obvious aspect of the subversive way Playboyy showcases sex work, but Playboyy's also gotten into so many other important things that people who aren't aware of sex worker priorities don't realize might be important. 

If you've read opinions from sex workers or spoken to us it's very likely you've heard what problems we have with past portrayals of sex work and sex workers in TV/movies, but if you haven't, people much more qualified to write essays than me have written much better, journalist-quality pieces. Chaospikachu produced some pretty good sources on this post; they are good jumping off points that will give you ideas about what things to google further if that's your jam. (And you should google further--people have been talking about these things since usenet.)

In my experience, many former and current sex workers watch media with us in it because we love us even if society doesn't. I approach media featuring sex work skeptically and expect to be disappointed, but in spite of that approach I have found myself pleasantly surprised so far with Playboyy. The show does have problems, of course--no piece of media is without fault--but there's not much comparison for what they're doing because they've committed so fully to the ideal of 'sex worker camp' that in six (of fourteen) episodes they've already gone leaps and bounds past the places other media stopped.

Here's a little list of other things I've seen in Playboyy that I either haven't seen elsewhere or have seen so rarely that it's still groundbreaking:

SW and clients navigating starting/maintaining a relationship! This is sometimes taboo to talk about, but it happens. It happens a damn lot. Humans are humans, we just fall in love sometimes but this isn't an experience that gets to typically be seen in a complete, unflinching way. There are good parts and bad! I've known people who made it work and I've known people who crashed and burned; there are a lot of really predictable hurdles to pass and Teena/Zouey, Nuth/Phop, and Soong/First are showcasing these in a way no other media I've seen even tries to when depicting this type of relationship.

So many different types of sex work, and sex workers not sticking to one type of work either! This is much more realistic and reflective of my experiences; making money at sex work is often a matter of a lot more weaving of separate hustles together than people who aren't used to poverty seem to have the ability to understand. I can only think of a few very specific and specialized types of sex work that I haven't seen in the show yet and that's weird and wild (positive)! Normally there's one, maybe two or three types of sex work in evidence in a show about sex work so having lots of different types all co-existing is beautiful to me.

Sex workers fucking sex workers for fun and experience! It's so common in my experience but it's not something I've ever seen done before, and the way that they are showing many different types of ways of this happening makes me even happier. (So far we've gotten us having sex with us in these circumstances: for clients, as a means of protection, as a way to 'prove' yourself, and for tutelage.) There can be a real feeling of camaraderie and competition with fellow workers sometimes and Playboyy captures this like nothing I've seen before. 

Sex workers having boundaries! Even mid-sex. And the boundaries aren't treated as a joke or a comedic moment that the client then disregards. They're moments of real communication where the boundary gets respected or the encounter ends, for better or worse.

Sex workers having nuanced, complex feelings! Not just about the sex work, but also the events in their lives and each other. Their relationships are complex and give glimpses of how much more there is to be uncovered! Partying, laughing, being angry, being verklempt, finding enemies and finding family with each other. Crying, too, yeah. But there's a whole spectrum of feelings on display beyond the normal tragic ones that are 'allowed', including the desire for sex inside and outside of sex work.

Everyone communicates to the best of their ability! This isn't just a sex worker thing--it applies to First and Zouey as well--but it's normal for media about sex workers to actually involve a lot of misunderstandings that don't get fully discussed. The misunderstandings between characters Playboyy get treated as serious and  discussed in a way I haven't seen other BLs show before. Misunderstandings aren't a chance for Plot to fester, but rather a chance for reconciliation. It's just plain great modeling of healthy communication.

All of this and more adds up to Playboyy being a show that knows who their intended audience is and commits to that audience over and over week after week. Not by painting our experiences as flat or singular, but by fully committing to showing a very wide swath of our experiences and humanizing every single choice. You don't have to understand or like the show for these things to still be huge and important for SW representation. 

Playboyy is just casually doing what it's doing regardless of the larger opinion, which is the most sex worker camp part of it all. The show knows what it is about even if fandom hasn't figured things out yet.

[brokendarkfairyempressforever]

Please don't get mad and go off on me just listen

okay so I was homeless like more than a year ago

It was awful and terrifying and now I have more trauma to add in my big book of traumas'

Almost got raped

Being homeless is scary as heck

Please stop treating people who are homeless as crap

They're people and they deserve to be treated one

We were homeless because before my dad left he didn't pay the rent for months and we didn't know until like 7 months later when the landlord told us. We also been paying the rent after he left. She seemed understanding of our situation. At least we thought. Around my first week of school first week of me being a freshman in highschool she said she's going to kick us out until we pay the missing rent the rent that my dad didn't pay that we didn't know about and when we found out she said it was OKAY THAT SHE UNDERSTOOD. She said we have until the end of October to move out. We begged her to understand my mom is a single mom, my sister had to drop out of college to help pay the debt my dad left. It was impossible for them to be able to pay that large amount. She then said we have until the end of December. She kicked us out on November 15th 2022. We had almost everything packed. We found a place we just needed to settle a few things. We were almost there. She kicked us out more than a month early. The house we were going to rent said no at the last minute. We were at the streets. A month later we found a shelter at this hotel. They had a section for the homeless. They gave us expired food. I got food poisoning multiple times. My immune system is non existent at this point. They rarely had halal food but at least they tried. We had a court case. And the land lord god that effing woman won because she's rich. Literally the only reason. She unpacked our things and messed it up to show how we're bad people. No one cared that my dad was the one who created this mess. Who cares right he's a man. And we're 3 girls and a child and we're poor, brown, south Asian, and muslim. She kept almost all of our things even things that we just had for memories. She took everything, every belonging she took and gave us empty bags and boxes. This lady by the way has 3 houses in the Hamptons, but who cares right? Ramadan was a nightmare the amount of days we didn't get food. I don't even want to remember. Then in the middle of Ramadan my county shut down that shelter since it was "hindering the hotel's business". So they shipped us to the only shelter in my county. I got sick a lot but I still had to go to school cause I was sick every couple weeks. They never had halal food and the masjid when they had leftovers the workers there wouldn't give it to us. Only one of the shelter worker cared for us and when she could she gave us the food. I pray for her everyday. We never really got food. I had little brother too I would give we would give most of the food we got to him. The my mom sister and me would share but I know they gave me a little more. Then around the end of Ramadan our social worker at the shelter was able to get us an apartment. It's been rocky since then but at least we have somewhat stable housing. We're definitely really lucky and fortunate. We thank Allah(God) every day.

I'm telling you this story because you don't know what people go through. You don't know the reasons why people are homeless. You don't know what they go through. So please help and understand and give us at least human decency.

And open more homeless shelters. Make them safer. Give food that you would give everyone else. Make food accessible for people with allergies and religious restrictions. Make it easier for people to go find work and education. Don't restrict their rights. It's all I'm asking

Anyway I'm just asking for the world to be kinder, respectful, understand to all people of this world.

[semidecentpoet]

Queer Christian "mini" ramble :P

I'm a nonbinary lesbian and a practicing Catholic Christian, and ik that Christianity has been and continues to be used as a justification for queerphobia (by people who have clearly never read a Bible smh), but that hasn't stopped me from thinking ab how even just the themes of faith and queerness collide and intersect and come together and shit in such,,,,, just,,,,, beautiful ways imo???

Even going beyond the whole "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and Jesus just being a Swell Guy—The Swell Guy—it can get really fucking interesting, especially considering the context of modern times (I'm a little coo-coo for literary analysis, so just allow me to get my energy out here lol)

Like, Isaiah 49:15 says, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (wording varies based on the version of Bible, but you get the picture)

God is literally saying, "I love you even if your own mother doesn't," and somehow, in the context of so many queer kids getting kicked out/disowned by their parents—to the point where 28% of queer youth have experienced homelessness at some point in their lives as of 2021—too many fucking Christians think God hates gays??? Pick up the damn Book, bitches???

God is an ally, you fake motherfuckers. Leave Their kids alone, goddamn.

(As an aside, I don't want to make anyone feel like I'm pushing my faith onto them, especially when it comes from a religion and institution that has done a lot of fucking harm. I'm not trying to convert anyone—that would be a bitch move. I just get really excited about these two parts of my identity that are very important to me lol)

I feel like this adds up to the bigger point that God is all ab the OutcastsTM, those who mainstream society has marginalized and all that. Several examples from the Gospel to support this come to mind immediately, but listing them all would take a Hot Minute.

But this line from Isaiah is one I think ab a lot. In a text that relies heavily on parable—to the point where you'd think more Christians would understand what metaphors are by now—this line hits especially hard in the context of today bc it's something that literally happens frequently to a specific group of people.

It's eery, at the very least, how on-point it is.

To anyone that's read this far—not to be that cheesy Christian, but I'm gonna be that cheesy Christian—God loves you. Even if you're not religious or have a rocky relationship with religion, I want you to know that God loves you. I have textual evidence and everything. Take it or leave it, doesn't matter <3

At the very least, I, some okay-ish poet on Tumblr (who rarely posts any actual poetry lol), am in your corner. Should you ever need it <3

Ok, ramble over, go drink some water. Hydrate or die straight, you sexy bitches

[shallowseeker]

Thinking about the SPN finale ghosts again, and how it echoes through each member of TFW.

(I think about this a lot. But it was all spawned by @angelcasendgame's additions to this post about how Sam really likes books). And...my recent pajamas obsession.

I went looking for this, and sadly, it isn't a meta so much as it is a collection of unrelated motif-thoughts. :(

Cas stuff

Cas almost never wears sleepwear, but when he does it's the dark dad robe of failed familial protector. He's the specter of always-working-dad. When he's not that, he's the homeless veteran, veteran-turned minimum-wage-civilian, or veteran-as-mental-patient. (images from smiledean)

In the finale, Cas (and his parallel) were both positioned as sentries of the door. Cas is the barrier-shield to protect the house.

Cas almost never sleeps and rarely wears pajamas. Instead, he's usually depicted in full-military or working/office "gear." Cas is, symbolically, the overworked father, "always working, even drained," as the finale drains the dad.

As motif of working father, he only is shown resting when he's dying or severely weakened--"ill." He rests only when he's dying or dead. As is his "duty."

He's always trying to protect them, even when he's failing miserably at it. Ironically, other family members resent his protection as much as they appreciate its security.

The finale-dad (Lyle Crowther) dies in front of an open door, when his back is turned, just as Cas literally dies in front of the door to another world.

Cas's deepest wants (12x19 The Future) were depicted as Sam running in a field of freedom and Dean being (ahem, very close) relieved, thankful, and free of burdens. (He perceives Dean's "distress," and he knows that he "adds to it," but he does not fully understand it.)

Cas patrols the bunker like a guard, and in his downtime, he indulges in the escapist fantasy of Saturday Evening Post + TV.

In his dreamscape, he sits at the table watching TV, notably not performing any sort of duty or chore as he basks inside the hearth of home (kitchen).

He often lectures Jack from this position at the kitchen table. (And sometimes from within Jack's room as well).

Dean stuff

Dean likes to nest, and he crows happily about that when they first find the Bunker. He quickly decorates his room, finds a "homey" gray robe, finds the shower and sings its water pressure praises, and takes over the kitchen. Other people don the dead guy robe. First is Chuck, who apes the "performing Dean" and overfocuses on his porn collection. (This is how Chuck sees Dean, after all--purely in a surface-level, sexual sense.) Other wearers include Mary and Jack, both of whom Dean wraps in gray robes as he welcomes them into the kitchen to eat a hardy meal of bacon and/or burgers. (images from TheFamilyBusiness.com)

Dean (borrowing from @scoobydoodean) is the hearth of the home, the heart.

(He's even referred to as "Tin Man" in 9x03 Slumber Party.)

He's the one in the family who wears the male version of the Dead Parent, "dead guy" robe -> dressing gown, in the form of the gray MoL robe. This robe is like the gray duster of his finale counterpart, the horrified warrior-caretaker.

He also wears cute, silly pajamas as the series goes on, revealing more of his actual personality in stark contrast to the sexy Malboro Man Chuck wanted to portray him as.

In later seasons, Dean wears hot dog pants, novelty socks, Scooby Doo boxers, and the lavender Scooby-Doo outfit (Dickens-style "dad" dressing shirt + nightcap).

In 14x10, Nihilism, Dean's dreamscape depicts him retired and waiting for his family to come home. Even at his failing roadhouse (Rocky's Bar in 14x10 Nihilism), he wants to provide rest and nourishment--drink and merriment.

When trouble comes to him, he can even help out as a distinguished warrior from his stable, stationary position.

Importantly, in his dreamscape, Dean does not brave the storm outside. (Pamela does that for him.)

Dean longs to be the safe harbor, the stop on the road, a destination to return to.

He embodies the warmth of the kitchen.

Likewise, he too delivers mentorship to Jack from the kitchen.

Occasionally, he enters Jack's bedroom and is the first member of TFW to be shown siting on Jack's bed as he mentors.

Sadly, in the finale, after the shield falls, the caretaker-warrior can only flee to higher ground as the hearth is breached.

Eventually, the caretaker falls, too, and is rendered mute as the tongue is brutally ripped out. (Just as Dean "cannot speak" in 15x19's script, as Jack disappears.)

Sam stuff

Sam is typically up early, wearing running gear or soft, modern pajamas. To my knowledge, I never saw him wearing a robe, but I'm happy to be corrected.

Sam yearns for safety, but he enjoys the academic rigor of "brainiac" career living.

He is usually positioned inside the library, surrounded by books, even in Gadreel's mindscape (9x09 Holy Terror).

Sam seems to genuinely love pouring over ancient books, examining the minutiae of cases, and throwing his weight towards a cause/career.

(Prone to perfectionism, Sam can be a little obsessive when it comes to filing literature, exercising, and "clean" eating.)

To Jack, Sam usually delivers mentorship from the quiet of the library, though occasionally comes into his room to attempt to give him pep talks.

Thus, Sam is the keeper of the books, the historian, the legacy.

Witchcraft is a natural outcropping of Sam's Solomonari-like thirst for knowledge.

And yet, his ghost-in-the-finale is shown cowering under the bed, yearning for safety, and so afraid of the loss of the loved ones that have always protected him (Cas and Dean). It's as Chuck coos in 12x09 The Trap, "You think Dean n' Cas are gonna come charging through that door just in the nick of time. You still think you can win."

As the shield is destroyed and the hearth is breached, the war spreads to the bedroom, creaking open the door. This is the safest space. (The symbolic nursery.)

Notably, Sam wears distinctly modern pajamas at all times, usually a simple tee + tracksuit bottoms. NEVER old-style or retro button-ups and never a nightgown over it.

Even his hoodie in the final, speaks of a "modern teenager," free to take on the world and live freely in the garden (field) of the Earth.

Jack stuff

Jack wears Cas's overcoat, because he's under Cas's protection, and a MoL robe because he's under the Winchesters' (specifically, Dean's) care.

Like Sam, Jack often wears the garb of a modern teenager around the house. On occasion, unlike Sam, he has a (vintage-ish) set of pajamas in gray and blue, as well as a little apron he wears in the kitchen.

Jack is triparted chimera of all three of his father-figures, from their best selves (courage, heart, knowledge) to their worst shadow selves (tyrant-god/frankincense, sacred executioner "the law"/myrrh, and martyr-king/gold).

Jack is typically shown inhabiting the domains of the other three (kitchen, battlefield, inside cars, the library), but he's often shown in his own bedroom.

Often, he is shown associated with family fun (family game night, Connect-four, Mouse trap), just as the younger boy in blue from the finale (Brady Crowther) is depicted playing checkers with his brother.

Jack dons the MoL nightgown after coming back from the dead, and thereafter is depicted in old-style blue/gray, "little boy," button-up pajamas, representing the responsibility of the angel/God he has always been expected to grow into.

But if we take Byzantium at face value, Jack just wants to be small--to shirk the insurmountable duty and destiny he was (seemingly) born into. Not a child or a boy, "just me."

He longs for the little moments, like fishing or spending time together.

His Heaven was a simple roadtrip--being together.

Somewhat paradoxically, he ALSO wants powers and strength to be able to protect everyone.

Unlike Sam, Jack is not cloaked solely in modernity but as Son of Heaven (red blood, blue sky).

He is veritable HEIR to Heaven, and as such, he is not actually free to inhabit the garden of the Earth.

He cannot escape his Heavenly father's "robe," that of God.

[multifandomconfusion]

The Family Jewels Songs as The Crows

Kaz - Numb

Kaz Brekker is practically the embodiment of this song because he has tried to numb himself entirely.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Kaz:

Oh, I get dark / Oh, and I'm in Hell / I need a friend / Ooh, but I can't yell / Yeah, I'm no good / No good to anyone / ‘Cause all I care about / Is being number one

Far gone families, far gone friends, / That's how it started, and how it ends / I can't open up and cry / ‘Cause I've been silent all my life

I feel numb most of the time, / The more I get the higher / I'll climb, and I will wonder why / I got dark only / To shine / And I'll light up the sky / Stars that burn the brightest / Fall so fast and pass you by / Spark like empty lighters.

Inej - Rootless

Inej has been separated from her home and family for much of her life. I would guess that she feels homeless and like she doesn't belong anywhere which is discussed in this song.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Inej:

I'm a Cloud drifting by / Dripping Tears from the Sky / I'm a Snail without a Shell / A Leper with a golden Bell / I've got nowhere to go / I'm a stray cat on the roam / Choking on a chicken bone / For a home sweet, no sweet home

Running with my roots pulled up / So they could cut me free of love

Dragging my roots through the snow / No home-sweet and no sweet home / I've got nowhere to go / I'm rootless, I'm rootless

Wylan - The Family Jewels

Wylan obviously has a very rocky and difficult relationship with his family, specifically his father. This song fits him amazingly.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Wylan:

I can't break the cycle, am I just a fool? / Falling down like dominoes, hit by family jewels / Pass it down from kid to kid, the chain will never end / 'Less I decide to go to it, will I see the end?

Ooh, don't you find it strange? / Only thing we share is one last name / Did I beat you at your own game? / Typical of me to put us all to shame

Oh, you think I'm unfit / Little did you know that I was cut for it / No glass slipper will ever fit

And literally the entire song.

Jesper - Shampain

This song combines the words shame and pain to represent the word champange. What could be more Jesper?

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Jesper:

Drinking champagne to forget yesterday / Coz I remember, the way, the way, the way / It ended the day, the day, the day, the day / That I walked away, away, away, away

Drinking champagne, meant for a wedding / Toast to the bride, a fairytale ending / Drinking champagne, a bottle to myself / Savor the taste of fabricated wealth

Matthias - Guilty

This song is about guilt and Matthias clearly struggles with guilt over all the terrible things he's done to Grisha, and in contrast how he betrayed his country. It also involves the imagery of a dog, which makes me think of Trassel. And it talks about dead family.

Lyrics That Remind Me of Matthias:

I was dreaming something dark / Hiding body parts / A broken dog, a broken leg / I left it cold, I left it dead

I was just a kid / That you could not forgive / Because it's harder / I was just a kid / And all I really wanted / Was my father

Guilty on the run / And I know what I have done / Guilty on the run / And I'm never forgiven

Nina - Seventeen

Nina is highly outspoken and opinionated just like the narrator of this song. Also she's seventeen lol.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Nina:

You're a rich little boy / Who's had to work for his toys / You've got all the sensibilities / Of an upper class guy / No I'm not your little slave / No I don't twist and turn that way / Only got bad things to say / You're always asking what is up with me

Oh, you are embarrassed of me / ‘Cos I use my tongue freely / Bet you wish I couldn't speak / ‘Cos when I do, you know / I tell you why you're being weak

You teach me how to behave / I felt you question the way / I was brought up as a baby / Well you don't know fuck about my family

[encrucijada]

Please tell me everything there is to know about Bb&Gg 🙏 I’ve been scrolling the tags but I’m desperate for more!!! Hope you’re doing well 💛

omg first of all thank you so much 💖

and second, bb&gg are the initials of babylon boy and gossamer girl. a duology i co-write with my partner @teddywriting that is titled home habitat.

if you've scrolled through the tags you've got the general idea of what it's about but here are the basics: it follows our characters theodore "theo" rayes and maría paz "maripaz" vega, who each ran away from home for different reasons. they meet on the street and the plot of book 1 (babylon boy) follows their year of homelessness and how their relationship grows and changes. it is a very "characters over plot" book as the plot is really the emotional journey mari and theo go through, dealing with matters of want and trust and companionship. i'm not saying much about book 2 (gossamer girl), just that it follows the same character > plot structure and deals with matters of family and second opportunities.

throughout babylon boy theo is dealing with a drug addiction he is vehemently denying and maripaz is dealing with problems related to shame. talking about bb&gg is difficult without just explaining the entire character arcs these two go through. they first meet when theo helps maripaz shoplift some food and he steals one of the two necklaces she was wearing, this one with an angel pendant (this is important). upon fatefully meeting again theo returns the necklace to maripaz, having felt guilty for stealing it at all, and they form an alliance to help each other survive. the relationship obviously has a rocky start, not aided by each of them dealing with their own internal problems that they make external through arguments and once even ending in a physical fight.

if categorised in the fell first/fell harder, maripaz would be fell first. problem being her backstory includes her literally having just left a neglectful boyfriend that poisoned her rose-tinted look of romance, though it didn't kill it completely as maripaz is at her core a romantic. so, when she begins to catch feelings for theo she buries them and buries them deep. this would make theo the fell harder half of the equation, as he goes through a mini arc of realising he's demisexual and maripaz has the privilege of being the first person he's ever felt romantic and sexual attraction towards.

the real progression of events is a bit hazy. teddy and i do a lot of bite-sized rps that are very call and response, very "yes, and," so whatever happens is revealed to us as it happens. the book properly is not something we've started yet as we're either too busy (teddy) or burned out (me) for it atm. we've got around... 5... ? moments decided, if you don't count the meeting at the start. one of those being the physical fight i mentioned above. said fight is whom we have to thank for home habitat existing at all, we revisited it and a story with character arcs and a whole sequel sprung out. the other scenes are the church scene, the pool scene, the halo scene, and the ending! (not explaining any of those, sorry). i always have a really hard time trying to talk about mari and theo. they are so much the result of their environment that i feel i need to explain not just them but every other character in this universe so people understand. and then you'll be stuck hearing me talking about every single character because i'm also unwell about all of them.

home habitat is a bit of a change of form for what is "base canon" for mari&theo. mari and theo's twin sister bee are usually best friends, a very "extrovert adopts introvert" situation. tge character alex moore and theo are usually best friends, it is a Thing(tm) that they are best friends, in some aus they even live together. but because of the setting of home habitat, mari and bee have never met and neither have theo and alex. in fact, alex and mari were friends in school in this version. i am a little sad people might never get to see that version of them, as these four as a Group(tm) are very dear and special to me.

but yeah, i'll leave it at that. thank you again! 💖 hope you're doing well too

[hollyhomburg]

i think it comes down to the fact that i can have both choices, both going to south korea and get some time with him if i just, delay my application 6 months. Even though that's not the timeline i want and i do feel like this is just kicking my issues down the line another 6 months this is the only way i get both things.

I still have to talk with my recruiter, but i think if i explain my situation to her and that i'd fear being able to complete my contract if i signed one, she'll understand. as far as i know If i rescind my application now there is no damage to my applying in the future like i can still just apply in february for august intake. But if i try and rescind my application after i have a contract then i can't apply for another calendar year.

This isn't only just about him either, my mom needs my help renovating our house for my grandparents, and they've expressed an interest in moving in after i go to korea. but the issue is they'd be moving into MY bedroom as the basment won't be finished for another 6 months. We have no space for my shit, it's likely that everything i can't take with me to korea would get ruined/displaced. Even though i've expressed that i don't want this time and time again, i do not put it past my grandparents not to just show up with their stuff and my mom not being able to say no to them. They are literally about to be homeless by next week, BUT 3 of my aunts and uncles have fully furnished in law apartments for them all ready to go. they don't need to kick me and my stuff out of my room they just...want to live with my mom and my grandfather is a narcissist.

There is no option to put my stuff into storage or put it anywhere. there's also the event of my cousins wedding that i would not be able to attend at the beginning of the summer/would have to quit my contract early to attend. i can't really miss it. i can stay at my current job until i leave, it's not going to go anywhere even if the hours and pay aren't what i'd like, but at least i don't have rent or student loans to pay back yet cuz i was approved for the governments repayment program.

My brother might also be moving back east too in the next two months and as much as we've had a rocky relationship in the past, this last visit was so much nicer and it was really fun to reconnect with him in the time being.

if i delay another 6 months i get 6 months with him and i get to go to korea for more than 4, Seokjin will have just come back when i go, and Hobi will come back like 3 months after i've arrived. it won't be that bad even if living her is really taxing on my mental health.

[bohemian-nights]

"...but why should she even be Valyrian? I'm terribly afraid that the point keeps going over your head"

She is of valyrian blood. What sort of racist shit are you saying? A black/brown woman can't have valyrian blood because of their skin color??? This argument is inherently racist and has been called out in the fandom already. Don't you wonder why it's Netty whose valyrian heritage gets questioned and not Addam/Alyn? George is already hinting at the racism yet here you are parroting the same racist shit. George literally wrote Brown Ben Plumm, the same guy whose Dany's dragons are comfortable with, as having valyrian blood. He wrote lores about dragonriding. Nettles is a dragonseed. You talk against racism but speak like a racist.

You sent me this and two other anonymous messages within an hour of each other(each sounding more ridiculous than the last).

It’s clear that you are spiraling and have a bad case of I’m not listening disorder, therefore this will be the last time that I respond to your unhinged rants.

This is how you(and the others who parrot this garbage) sound when you say Nettles’ fantastically brilliant Black self(don’t think I can’t see you still trying to be slick about her race) can’t be a non-Valyrian dragonrider: “How dare you say Black girls are pretty/talented/smart. Only non-Black girls are pretty/talented/smart and if you say otherwise you are a liar who doesn’t respect her betters.”

That’s the exact logic you are using Miss I’m not a racist, you are the real racist 🙃 GRRM isn’t writing this story to tell us how special the Targs are and that Targ supremacy is justified, but you are more than welcome to think that if you can’t handle the fact that a Black non-Valyrian girl was able to claim and tame a wild dragon🤷🏽‍♀️

According to GRRM, Nettles is a legal adult while Rhaenyra is a minor when they begin their respective relationships with Daemon. Additionally, Daemon has known Rhaenyra since she was a child and she’s his niece. He only knew Nettles when she was a legal consenting adult who could’ve gotten herself the hell out of dodge if she wanted to.

There is no way a smart girl like Netty who found it preferable to be homeless than be used by men for their pleasure would stay where she didn’t want to be. No matter how much you go on about it, Dettles≠Dumbnyra, and yes, a racist white woman is the villain here(last time I checked CSA doesn't make you into a racist and it doesn't excuse trying to make a pregnant woman into a hate crime statistics. She's a victim of Daemon, but she's a villain to Nettles. She’s responsible for her own actions here)🤷🏽‍♀️

Calling me a “white male worshipper” is ironic considering I’ve had someone accuse me of “only wanting to put Black women with Black men” due to shipping Baela and Alyn rather than Baela and Jace. It can’t be both so I need someone to tell me ASAP(no Rocky) which one is it.

So now you care about Black women 🙃 I like Baegon in an AU setting where Aegon knows how to act right, not how he is in show/book canon. Laughable that you actually think I’m using Baela as a proxy(or any of these ladies) to lust over Aegon of all characters 🫠Like I said, you are unhinged.

If anyone wants to know the fastest way you’ll get blocked by me it’s this(being butthurt you got called out so now you have descended into spamming me with your drivel).

[mithliya]

I need some advice. I recently was broken up with and I'm reeling from it. We met when i was 19 and he was 32 and we ended up hooking up 6 years ago. He didn't tell me until after we hooked up that he had a wife which started a crazy feud, but he eventually divorced his wife and convinced me to be in a relationship with him. The relationship was pretty rocky at first because he was very emotionally abusive. Like he would constantly reprimand me for doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing and would lecture me for hours and not let me sleep until I agreed with him. I used to live with him sometimes because my mom got evicted and i couldn't hold down a stable job because I had an untreated learning disability and he would pick fights with me every day when I would say/ do the wrong thing and sometimes he would even kick me out.

While he did all this its v confusing bc he was also very good to me at the same time?? He helped me out when I was evicted and let me live rent free with him. He helped me get my diagnosis and helped me look for a job. He helped me get over some of my insecurities and would urge me to go to therapy and helped me get my driver's license. The last 2 years he started becoming more spiritual and became a lot nicer to me (He would still reprimand me but not as often) and urged me to do yoga and meditation. He started getting serious and during that time he was throwing ideas around of leaving everything behind and going to a yoga center etc. I was so drained atp from the constant mistreatment and feeling like I wasn't a priority so I went outside the relationship to explore my options. i met a guy that I was going to meet for dinner and just talk to, but I was drugged and assaulted. I felt so guilty that I told my boyfriend and he broke up with me. This was a year ago. Since then, we've been on and off because he would come back but couldn't commit because he couldnt trust me. Early this year he moved to a different state and he reached out to me to ask if I wanted to visit him out there in the summer. I was cautious but I agreed because I missed him. We started calling and texting every day and he started hinting that he wanted a relationship with me again. I started catching feelings again and was grateful for the opportunity to make things right because I fucked up. I bought the plane tickets and two days after I bought them he told me that he was getting women flirting with him out there and that he wanted to explore his options. I was so upset and I asked him why we couldnt work things out, he told me he still couldnt trust me after what happened. He told me it's best if I get a refund on the tix and just stay home. I felt so crushed, I felt like I was lead on and I feel so ashamed and guilty over what I did. The worst part is I felt like I ruined everything and it's my fault that the relationship ended the way it did. What do I do???? I have no friends and no one to talk to.

oh my god anon the second u said 'we met when i was 19 and he was 32' i knew this was gonna be bad.

anon, dump this man and do not look back. he literally broke up with you for BEING RAPED. he made u feel guilty and like ur not trustworthy for being R A P E D. he would kick u out and utilise ur homelessness. he keeps confusing u. he literally is over a decade older than u, u were a teenager and hes nearing middle-aged!!!!!!!!!!! hes a creep!!!!!! he was using u and continues to and u NEED to put ur foot down n realise u deserve better than this

[wickmitz]

I decided to start talking about Wick and Rocky's relationship because I like their dynamics too, I like seeing Wick scared of Rocky and Rocky being aggressive with him, which is unusual because Rocky is rarely aggressive with anyone, but of course Wick is an exception to rule

Also my mini opinion about their possible relationship, I think that if Rocky didn't have to fight for his place, then he and Wick could become friends, or at least tolerate each other a little, I also see some superficial similarities, their gentlemanly and romantic natures, and their common love for explosions (remembering the quarrymen chapter), but this is my assumption, I think that I don't understand the characters' personalities well, so I can be wrong in this assumption, something like that. So, what do you think about their relationship?

for starters, i cannot thank you enough for this ask! as i’ve said previously, i have many thoughts on these two, so it’s nice to finally be able to share some of them. although given the extent to which i think about them, i apologize in advance if this is sloppy and sort of everywhere … while i’ll try to structure things the best i can, i cannot promise i’ll succeed! but hopefully this is an enjoyable reply nonetheless.

one of my favorite things about rocky and wick’s relationship is absolutely how aggressive rocky is towards the aristocrat ; he is prone to glares and cruel jokes and borderline hissing whenever the man is within his line of sight, or can be brought to a wailing-fit over the mere mention of his name from miss m’s mouth. there is a childishness to it, but a very prominent threat as well in spite of rocky’s usual incompetence. so he goes out of his way to posture around wick, readily lying and adorning himself with the gangster drapes he so badly wants to wear, in the hopes that it intimidates … will even badmouth wick’s family and make fun of his name and rock related obsession to mitzi, and so on so forth! yet all of this is very reminiscent of schoolyard bullying rather than anything too severe, though we as the audience understand rather quickly that rocky would bash wick’s head in with a tire iron if he could. ( translation : if it wouldn’t earn the tears or hate of a certain beloved mitzi may ) and it’s all very intense despite the absence of actual violence! and i understand why many fans see this as unusual for rocky and believe that it’s only wick who makes him act so aggressively, but i’d argue it isn’t really wick at all that prompts such scary reactions from him … and that rocky is a deeply angry character who’s a.) been boiling quietly for a long, long time and b.) has turned wick into a punching bag of sorts for this inner world of resentment and hurt. basically, when he’s judging the well-to-do or poking fun, his eyes don’t look at wick and actually acknowledge him as sedgewick sable ; instead this is a being, something vague and metaphorical, who threatens to upseat rocky’s permanence in the lackadaisy and steal away his savior, and he’s had a hand in the violinist’s misfortune for a long time.

obviously, rocky doesn’t think wick robbed him of his family twice over and made him homeless, but he is channeling the fear and anguish of those events into his loathing for wick, if that makes sense? it’s easier that way -- to finally have an outlet for everything bleeding inside of you, to be able to bite and claw at something without feeling conflicted or having to take personal accountability for your own mistakes … which is something that i think rocky does struggle with to a degree. he is sort of a finger pointer! his pain has to be worth something, it has to be for someone else ; spending years homeless and losing his last bit of family was for freckle, and the scrambling of his literal brain was for mitzi, and that means he can’t ever be angry with them! well, except that he is, somewhat, but he buries it deep down instead of feeling it. with freckle there is a sense of strain between them -- an air of ‘you owe me’ from rocky to freckle as he uses freckle to appease miss m, and he constantly pokes fun at his cousin too. it’s lighter than his jabs at wick, but there’s a constant pestering, a reminder of how good freckle has it : how he’s got the mom and the house and the job and the girl most notably. i don’t think rocky is intending to come across as mean, and to his credit he hardly does! but it’s rather clear to me that some part of him, some hidden and deeply hurt part, is rather indignant about taking the fall for freckle all those years ago. which he can’t understand, because how could he? he made that choice, he decided to take accountability for something he didn’t do because he loves freckle and knows it’d be so easy to believe this family tragedy was roark’s fault ; the devilish child he was, all troublesome and too broken to properly fit anywhere. so there is a disconnect born here, where rocky can’t comprehend that he’d be angry at freckle, so instead these not so great feelings are placed elsewhere and silently boil over time. and with mitzi … i don’t think he’s angry at her per se, but there is a frustrated and desperate chorus of : why him and why not me, when i’m the one out here dying for you? which is certainly unpleasant. of course, rather than allowing those feelings to be more aimed at miss m, whom he feels unloved by, he ( again! ) represses these emotions and allows them to fester into his greatest fears and fantastical complexes. i think there is a lot of other miscellaneous anger he could have towards others too … perhaps some part of him is sore upon seeing ivy’s normal lifestyle, watching her go to university and knowing that’s been taken from him. or an ache felt when hearing stories from zib and the band and how they used to travel successfully, living as nomads, and rocky is all too reminded of his similar lifestyle and how he couldn’t make it work as effortlessly. people with immense trauma are more prone to irrational anger and jealousy, to viewing everything around them as unfair and believing it’s even more unjust that so many people get to live comfortably while they’ve suffered. a situation that gets more messy when you’re someone like rocky, a man who’s willingly made choices that have harmed himself and wants to continue on with his smiling, bumbling fool of an act. he does not want to be angry, does not want to see it within himself, i think, which leads to an accidental increase of it.

all of this is to reiterate that wick is a scapegoat for rocky and nothing more. it’s why he’s rather hypocritical whenever it concerns the man. for example, it was stated by tracy that he looks down upon wick for his excessive presence at the bar, yet he appears to enjoy hanging out with zib -- who drinks just as often! he makes fun of how all wick ever talks about is rocks, when he himself is prone to poetry rambles that people find irritating or boring, and etc etc. this is also just a human nature thing, to critique someone you heavily dislike and even going as far as to belittle things you love or do in your own day to day because you just hate them that bad! but given rocky’s willingness to befriend anyone, it more so reeks of a dehumanization element. wick is every obstacle in his way, every divine force that threatens to send him packing again, so he is equal parts unnerved by wick’s presence and angry about it. it is mostly a fear response we are seeing, an emotion that’s morphed into long held resentment and anger. so his actions are extremely defensive, with him trying to push wick far away and keep him and mitzi separate, like some sort of animal attempting to ward off a threat that’s come too close to their home. despite the loaded animosity there, this hate has hardly reached its peak … but it shall only grow more intense as things continue onward i’m afraid, since as it stands ( in the comic at least ) rocky is at an all time low … and is ten times more desperate. i’d honestly say wick has become so warped in his mind’s eye that he can only strive towards ‘winning’ over the other man, because that’s all he can see anymore. i think mitzi implying that wick willingly helped her out, the intense head injury, and rocky’s fragile emotional state is exactly what pushes him towards premeditated murder in look-see. i don’t know how people perceive that arc, but to me it’s very clear that rocky actively sought to see the deaths of wes and fish that night. going as far as to lament that he’d be, “very disappointed if ( he ) dreamed them,” and purposefully luring the marigold duo away to have freckle pick them off. while you could argue that this was a smart move, in a gangster sort of sense, there’s still no denying that rocky is oddly chipper about the whole thing and is now seeking death out ; whereas before his methods of vengeance were just, well, ruining people’s livelihood but ultimately leaving them alive. this isn’t to discredit the fact that rocky is going through something! he is in a very muddled and dark place, mentally and physically, but even tracy has said that the head injury hasn’t changed rocky’s personality -- it’s only brought things to the surface.

source : q&a with tracy .

which, yeah! makes sense! head trauma can cause a person to become a wreck emotionally ( think mood swings, irritability, etc ) but it doesn’t completely morph someone either. personality changes may occur, but it’s not like you’re being rewritten entirely, you know? and given tracy’s old statement, it’s clear that ‘personality changes’ aren’t a side effect he’s suffering from. something that adds to my beginning statement, which is that rocky is a deeply angry and troubled person, more so than fans give him any credit for.

however, to touch upon your mini opinion about these two, i actually wholeheartedly agree that rocky and wick could become friends if circumstances were different. they do in fact have many superficial similarities, but one of the more prominent things they deeply share is never really belonging in the groups they frequent. this is more overt with rocky’s character, yet wick faces it too in subtle ways. the well-to-do crowd, seen through the investors, find the gentleman to be lacking in about every place imaginable ; to them he is an obsessive freak who cares too deeply for meager rocks, something they constantly mock him for, while he’s also being noticeably set apart from the rest of them … he seems younger than the investors, more excitable, passionate, and a little less experienced, and doesn’t seem to care for money or reputation as much as them either. there is a constant rubbing between him and them, where what he enjoys is seen as wrong, such as his love for the lackadaisy and his choice in paramor, a grieving widow with extremely dangerous ties. we also know that wick doesn’t have many friends at all, with the only two he has being lacy and church ( church is listed as such on his character profile, in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way ), both of whom work for or with him. they are obliged to hang around, and while they care in varying ways, they are prone to judging him just as much. honestly, it’s not shocking that wick seeks refuge at his chosen speakeasy! but even there he is rather distant from everyone else. he doesn’t speak to zib ever in the comics, nor seems all too close with viktor, ivy, or horatio … it is merely mitzi he is close to, even if he knows of the other people who work there. and, once again, wick very obviously doesn’t fit in. he is not gangster material, could never be an atlas may replacement, much less someone who could get his paws dirty in such an active way. so he has his feet in two different worlds and doesn’t know how to fit into either of them, or which one he actually wants to fit into more. i think in many ways rocky could relate -- these are two very lonely people who wish to belong somewhere and be accepted by some group or another but go about it in all the wrong ways. wick, who is too hesitant to fully commit to what he wants and is worse off for it, and then rocky, who obsessively throws himself against what he wants until he breaks every bone in his body. they also have explosives to bond over, lol, and other miscellaneous things like their taste in women i suppose … but this potential bond adds to the tragedy of lackadaisy, where we see two people who on every level should get along but we’re burdened with the knowledge that it’s an impossibility anyway, because there’s no removing the circumstance of which they’re in.

though i like to believe that despite wick’s fear of rocky, he maintains a kindness towards him regardless. i think his worries about rocky are rather surface level … he doesn’t know the boy at all, really, and thus can’t make heads or tails of him, hence him believing the lie in balderdash. so when i’m feeling particularly self indulgent, i like imagining a world where they’re forced together and sort of ‘stuck’ together ; to which rocky finally breaks and exposes his wounds to wick, in every sense of the word, and wick finally gets him. the aggression, the possessiveness of mitzi … it is all fear and desperation and a profound sadness, things he’d sympathize with. if rocky was able to explain that he loathes wick because if he saves the lackadaisy then mitzi won’t need him anymore and that it’s not fair that wick gets to so easily fix things when rocky would give his soul for his home, for her, and how wick could render every sacrifice he’s already made for naught by smoothing things over with some greenbacks and he can’t lose this, he just can’t --! … which, well, wick is too kind of a man to be able to do anything except feel awful, even though it’s not his fault at all. here we have two people who could coexist! and they should, since rocky logically can’t do every speakeasy job ( band member, rumrunner, mitzi’s shadow, also the guy who gets the money for the hooch ) by himself, just like how wick can’t save the lackadaisy with only his cash and limited booze stash. it’d be a joint cooperation, a collaboration between them, both equally important in the grand scheme of crime’s every turning wheel … but rocky’s rage and fear won’t let him see that, and likely never will. still, in scenarios where everything ends up alright for the lackadaisy and the people involved in it ( which is not how canon will go, by the way ), i fancy wick and rocky getting better within their relationship. rocky will always be prickly and quick to upset around the other man sadly, but perhaps he could see wick in a softer kind of light. or at least understand vaguely enough that he isn’t out to get rocky, so to speak. and then maybe wick learns that pancakes soothe rocky’s ire and poorly makes them anytime he wishes to talk to the man, and other fun things like that! but you should have more confidence in your character analysis skills, because you were spot on ( at least in my eyes ) about them potentially getting along if things were different. it’s certainly a fun aspect to play around with, and is important to note when discussing their relationship so you can fully understand just how warped rocky’s perspective on things are. and how unstable and traumatized he is too, of course </3 sidenote, but i also hope that throughout everything i’ve said here, or anything i’ve said before on my blog, that my love for rocky and my own sympathy for him comes across well enough. while he’s deeply flawed and i have no qualms discussing said flaws in depth, i also don’t think of him as some insane freak who’s evil at his core or anything like that. honestly, i adore analyzing him so much as a character because of how far down his issues go! he’s very well written, i’ll say, as is wick and many of the other characters, but i digress.

once more, thank you for the ask! i’ll end this here because i fear if i don’t i’ll start going in circles, since their relationship is so vast and very important for rocky in a character sense. hopefully i shed some more light on it though! i love these two to bits and pieces and i wouldn’t be half as invested in lackadaisy if their dynamic wasn’t so monumental -- at least to me.

[trinketx3]

homeless transitions r always super fucking rocky cuz why i literally got my devices, vape, and the clothes on my back.

[christmassavestheyear]

hello, darlings✮ fic requests are closed right now - but will be open again after christmas. dividers by @saradika-graphics.

spotify || ao3 || pronouns page || writing masterlist

✮ you can call me nova. ask about other nicknames, but nine times in ten i'll adore you forever if you nickname me.

basic info ✮ he/they, trans, pansexual, ambiverted infp-t, type six, sagittarius, australian, dog person, romance reader, writing is everything to me, winter>>, glasses wearer, headphones on twenty-four/seven, cd collector, spotify premium user, aspiring author, regular oversharer, real-person-shipper and rpf writer, ginger cat, ao3 addict, anti-monarchist, socialist, lacrosse player, pwhl enthusiast, seattle seahawks supporter, theatre nerd, night owl, revolutionary, moderator of the be my valentine challenge, high schooler, green is the best colour talk to the hand, i like weird science podcasts and emergency-drama shows, tote bag owner (to a mildly concerning degree), i'm an eyeliner kind of guy, i don't keep my mouth shut for anybody. free palestine!!

music ✮ one direction, conan gray, olivia rodrigo, twenty one pilots, maddie zahm, caity baser, dylan gossett, sabrina carpenter, alexander black, megan moroney, xana, kelsea ballerini, noah kahan, ed sheeran, billie eilish, five seconds of summer, cavetown, maisie peters, finneas, taylor swift, queen, hozier, girl in red, luke combs, phoebe bridgers, gracie abrams, miley cyrus, dean lewis, sixpence none the richer, morgan wallen, birdy, renée rapp, the beatles, abba, robbie williams, ashe, blackbear, dyl dion, chappell roan, luke combs

books ✮ little women, red white and royal blue, osemanverse, jane doe and the cradle of all worlds, nevermoor, boyfriend material and husband material, afterlove, the meaning of birds, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, i kissed shara wheeler, the fault in our stars, they both die at the end, song of achilles, girl in pieces, you'd be home now, a semi-definitive list of worst nightmares

musicals ✮ come from away, hamilton, in the heights, high school musical, hsmtmts, dear evan hansen, tick tick boom, wicked, disney musicals<3, the greatest showman, the addams family musical, matilda, tina: the tina turner musical, mary poppins + returns, six, miss saigon, rocky horror, west side story, funny girl, chicago. moulin rouge, grease

movies & tv ✮ little women (2019), barbie (2023), dunkirk, don't worry darling, my policeman, julie and the phantoms, rwrb, heartstopper, 9-1-1 (and lone star), doctor who, clouds, love simon and love victor, station 19, greys anatomy, b99

my characters ✮ amy march, nina rosario, henry fox-stuart, nick nelson, christopher eccleston's doctor, achilles, ezra squall, regulus black, augustus waters, john laurens, evan buckley, carlos reyes, allen from barbie.

my ships ✮ larry stylinson, firstprince, tarlos, tevan, nick&charlie, wolfstar, jegulus, amy&laurie, morrigan&cadence, hamburr, laurette, hobama<3, eddie diaz with literally anyone (but especially josh russo)

goals and dreams ✮ i want to study abroad, publish my writing, adopt or foster kids, travel to every continent someday, volunteer with lgbt+ homeless/support shelters/charities, attend 4/5 1d boys' concerts, learn at least two languages

my sideblogs ✮ my poetry blog: @thelostboyschapter 1d lyric keywords: @onedirectionandblank

[lexifer-666]

It's the new year and I've got weird family stuff happening I need to rant about. Under the cut. CW/TW for: mentions of emotional and physical neglect, manipulation, general abuse, homophobia, transphobia, ableism. Basically a huuuge traumadump post because i gotta have some place to work shit out. There's a silver lining at the end if you're willing to read.

so like. I spent years… YEARS being the family scapegoat. Everything I did was wrong. Everything about who I was… Was wrong. I spent the majority of my life building up walls and armor, carefully constructing this Person I should be. Quiet, calm, invisible. Never allowing myself to exist, never letting anyone know who I was. I hid so many aspects of myself- My gender, my religion, even the music I listened to, the books I read… The shows I watched. Because each of these things were weaknesses my family used against me. To belittle and manipulate me. There was… So much abuse and neglect. I've finally kind of accepted myself for being disabled, but I spent the better part of 3 years trying to convince my family that I wasn't faking or being dramatic, that there was actually something seriously wrong. It's been… 5 years since I moved out. I spent a lot of that time healing, letting the people around me see me for who I was. I stopped masking as much, and let my neurodivergent qualities show. I was floored when I would tell someone about something I was interested in, and instead of mockery I was met with genuine interest. I came out as trans openly, changed my name, started T. All the while… I had little to no contact with my family. I only showed up for funerals and shit like that.

In the past… Year? Ish? My family have all done a complete 180. They no longer act like I'm some demonic, sinner child. They all actually took the whole trans thing pretty well.. Which was a stark contrast to the hours-long lecture I got whenever I came home from my dad's house wearing men's clothing on my 14th birthday. It… Weirds me the fuck out. They actually treat me like a part of the family, they're listening to me when I talk instead of just talking over me. (I spent the ages of 16-17 barely speaking to anyone because I had literally fucking given up.) It's… I went to christmas this year. Voluntarily. I drove there myself. No one yelled. No one beat the shit out of eachother. I didn't feel disrespected at all-- The only time it even got close was when my mom was worriedly asking me if I could carry my own plate, to which I told her "I do this every day, mom." (I was doing things one handed, forearm crutch and all.) But…. I don't know. I should be happy that they're taking an interest in who I am now. I should be ecstatic! I might actually be able to have a relationship with my family! And… I am, to an extent. I'm… Happy I actually have a relationship with them now. Rocky, fresh, like I just got adopted and I'm still testing the waters.

But… There's also resentment. I spent my whole childhood, and 5 years of college and couch hopping, not feeling like I belonged anywhere. Of hating myself. They come to me now? After I've healed from them? After I already grew and moved on, began to accept myself, made real, genuine connections with other people? They enter my life with real love and acceptance now? When I don't fucking need them? Where were they when I was homeless? Where were they when I felt like my life was worthless? When I felt like only 3 people in this entire world actually cared for me and loved me? There's also guilt. I built friendships where… I related to my friends on the basis of. Oh fuck, none of us have good relationships with our family, we're all kind of outcast and scapegoated. Now… That's changing for me. And… I feel guilty. Because my friends deserve to have a family too. I shouldn't be the only one who gets to have this. All I can do is not.. Talk about it too much. It would feel like rubbing salt in the wound, and I do not want to hurt them like that. Soooo. I'm sitting here. At 5am. It feels like I've been sucked into an alternate reality where my family is… Not a bunch of traumatized, cycle-repeating abusive religious zealots.

My mother has discord? And knows what pronouns are? She straight up said "I'm sorry, I'm not meaning to disrespect your pronouns, I'm still getting used to this." Like… Jesus christ man she's 61. 61, ex-mormon, now evangelical, lives in a small town of literally 200 people. My stepdad didn't even really talk to me, either. Normally he would have some smartass thing to say, something to get under my skin and make me snap at him. And I was prepared to, he can't hit me now that I'm an adult without going to jail…. But he didn't even try. In fact, when the tarp on my car tore, he went to the next town over and bought me two rolls of expensive ass tape to fix it. Didn't even ask me to pay him back. I… Don't really know what to make of all this. The tiny, jaded 14 year old Lex that still lives in my heart is screaming at me. He's pissed, he doesn't want me to trust them a bit. But…. I don't know. I'm tired of not having a family.