#ROCKY IS LITERALLY HOMELESS???

[no-place-to-be-happy]

Literally illegal sooob

[peachfruitcake]

hi Sorry haven’t updated in so long lol life has been busy and a load of big changes took place

here’s low effort scribbles n doodles (in order from oldest to newest) all from the past several months

[pundertalefan]

So after obsessing over these dinky little content farm inspired Bootleg figures, I've done the most research that I can into their personalities. Doing so consists of watching one video of their cutout dialogue.

Funnily enough, if you think about it way too much, these characters have almost the exact opposite personalities of the Smiling Critters. I might make fanart of this later, if I can somehow get the permission of BuggyHuggy to do so.

And yes, I'm going to write about it right here, right now, because I have nothing better to do.

Craftycorn and Bully Bullito aren't too contrasting, but the latter has a crush on the former. They are opposites in certain ways, though. Bully is a lot more brash, rough, and seemingly not very creative. His dialogue implies that he doesn't really know how to reach out to people, while Craftycorn is the epitome of creativity and friendly with everyone (unless her limit is reached, who knows, she might have just been possessive over literal paint). I think he's jealous of her, in a loving way. It's a shame he was rejected. He seems kind all around (with no darker side that may or may not be canon).

KickinChicken is a well-intentioned sports fan who always has his friends' backs but is also competitive and up for a bit of mischief from time to time. His counterpart, Griffy Gingers, is similar to him in wanting to stir up a bit of trouble, but his pranks are less sensitive to others and can actually be harmful. He seems to WANT to get along with others and just have fun, but he pushes things too far in his attempts. He could maybe be a better person under the right influences. If he wasn't rejected, that is.

Bubba Bubbaphant and Moody Moose have a more direct contrast. Bubba is known for his intelligence and willingness to help his friends in times of need. Moody, confusingly, doesn't seem to be moody at all. He's more confused, unaware, and seeking anyone's help with his problems. He doesn't seem very smart and constantly relies on others. When someone comes across him, he states that he hasn't eaten in days, is currently homeless, and can't even remember his own name. He clearly can't support himself, let alone anyone else. He is truly the textbook definition of pathetic. He's not a moody moose. He's a moochy moose. It's a shame, really. He seems like a sweet guy.

Hoppy Hopscotch is a harder one to pin down. She's a dreamer, very ambitious, and another lover of exercise, just like Kickin Chicken. She might have an interest in space, who knows. But she obviously wants to travel far and do amazing things. Crocky Rocky is like this as well, but instead of striving to do better for himself, he's living in a shadow. The one belonging to the aforementioned chicken. He's constantly seeking validation from him, calling him his brother. Whether Kickin repricotiates these feelings is unknown. He also seeks to bring others into this "cool kid" clique he's come up with, not because he wants to help spread good vibes, but because he feels like doing so will prove something. Unless he does something different, this Critter isn't going to go very far, much less to the moon.

Bobby Bearhug is always looking to spread love to everyone around her, cheering up anyone who's feeling down, much like her pal Dogday. Tiggy Tigers is also looking to make friends and share kindness with them, but less to help others, and more for their own benefit. They make friends to make themselves feel better, and if the object of their affections is put off by them, they become EXTREMELY clingy. While Bobby can (and maybe does) end up this way, Tiggy acts out of a possessive need for control, always wanting to be the center of everyone's attention. And heaven help you if they decide to hate you instead. Maybe it's a good thing that they were rejected.

We all love Dogday, always reassuring his friends that everything will be okay, and looking at the bright side of things. There isn't really a Rejected Critter who directly opposes his viewpoint, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't have a counterpart. Enter Riddle Roo. Their gimmick is stealing things and collecting them. This doesn't really seem like much to go off of until you find out that they think others don't understand them because they're not a "hoarder" like them. That's not usually something someone admits to proudly, and there's usually a reason behind that kind of behavior other than wanting to collect things. My theory is that Riddle Roo hoards things because they're isolated and can't make friends. Their urge to steal might have been born from their loneliness, and their continued bad habits and isolation make them sink deeper into their self created misery. They're not happy with their situation, but they find comfort in superficial things, and as such, they see no reason to stop.

Finally, the misfit of the Smiling Critters. Catnap is the hardest to analyze. Other than the antagonistic role the real life one played in chapter 3, we don't know much about his character. All we know is that he likes to watch his friends sleep after helping them do so. This isn't a very good look. But hey, maybe Catnap isn't intentionally malicious. Maybe he really does have his friends' best interests at heart. Nobody can really say. You know who is intentionally malicious, doesn't have their friends' interests at heart, and has absolutely no shame in showing it? Snidey Spidey. This little creep really is a pest. They derive all their pleasure from the misery of others, scaring them when they're not expecting it. Usually, while they're sleeping. Sounds like the opposite of Catnap to me. Plus, cats hate jumpscares. Yeah.

Now, after all this silly neurodivergent rambling, I'm sure you've noticed something. One of the Smiling Critters is missing, and that's because she doesn't have a counterpart. The Smiling Critters consist of eight members, while the Rejected Critters only have seven. So Picky Piggy is left without a contrasting personality to compare. Shame, really. She's my favorite. But hey, her personality is extremely strange all on its own. She likes food. Fair enough, she's a pig. But then there's the lines of her dialogue that imply a darker side to her.

I get why Catnap is the villain of chapter 3, but Picky Piggy could be a close second, I'm just saying.

Maybe I'll take out Sir Smiley from my bedside drawer and make him her counterpart. I'm not going to do that just yet because one, I'm still trying to hunt down a potential origin for his character, and two, I'm afraid to let him loose.

No joke, he's scarier than any other Critter I've seen. Canon or otherwise. And I'm including chapter 4.

Thanks for reading! XD

[lugarn]

Sex Worker Camp & Groundbreaking in Playboyy

You might say that sex worker camp is a genre that doesn't exist. 

You'd be wrong! For as long as there has been camp, there has been sex worker camp. Buckle up for a long meta!

I think the easiest, most well-known example of camp that touches on SW camp is Rocky Horror! Rocky is literally a gay sex bot in a narrative that's about exploring your sexual desires against the backdrop of what society has told you those desires are. He got to figure out what his desires were, even though he was created for a particular purpose! 

Sex work camp also engages with the fears of sex workers, since camp often engages (in ways that sometimes seem absurd) with the fears of the characters. I don't mean specifically a character's personal fears as much as I mean their fears for the role society has determined they have. We in theory have no caste systems in most countries today, but sex workers are still somehow usually at the bottom of the social hierarchy despite that.

That's a thing I love about sex work camp: the juxtaposition of desire and knowing that whatever desire you have has little place because you have a job or are performing a role. Ownership and roles are themes that are visited and revisited in Playboyy. In every single episode, there are questions about who owns who, and what the person being owned feels about the fact that they lack freedom, and exploring the ways in which every single one of the workers chooses or doesn't choose to be owned. 

The longer the show goes on, the deeper and more extreme we have gotten with roles and the limitations of roles, from the question of Zouey and his desires in episode one to the fact that Porsche and Prom are both sugaring for the same daddy and the things that means for both of them. There's been a satisfying (campy) heightening and recommitment to the theme in every episode with the roles and ownership becoming more and more complex and interconnected.

Another theme of sex work camp that is visited and re-visited is "characters doing sex work enjoy sex/sex work". Why? Because the dominant (heteropatriarchal) narrative is that sex workers are doing that job because we've been forced/"Circumstances". 

I know this is really putting myself out there, but I know people must be wondering, so let's go there: here's my connections to sex work! I grew up in a family where consensual, by-choice sex work was normalized and I spent a lot of time passively absorbing information about sex work and the people who do it. My family is incredibly sex-positive; a member of my family was a madam pre-covid; former and current sex workers are the celebrated decades-long partners of multiple members of my family. That's just my background, though. 

Most of my own personal experience is survival sex work--exchanging sex for things that meet your immediate needs, most often done by people living on or adjacent to the streets, often those with gaps in education. I was homeless at the time I was doing it; I didn't graduate high school. My story has been told a hundred times by a hundred different people. This is part of why I am so passionate on the subject of other narratives about sex workers and other types of sex work getting a chance to feature in media; my story is not just represented but over-represented. But the stories of people I know and love who engaged with the sex work industry far longer than me are still nowhere to be found.

Playboyy showcases sex workers as full people, no different than the rich boys they are dating/'dating', using their full agency to decide what are the best options in their own situations. It treats these decisions as correct and meaningful and doesn't treat the act of choosing sex work as pitiable or an inherently negative choice. The narrative also doesn't punish the characters for doing sex work.

(I'm aware it seems very much that Nant got hurt during sex work. They are going to great pains to humanize that pain, but there are other people whose narratives aren't about them being hurt by sex work: Teena, Soong, Jump. That's how you show a well-rounded story.)

This is the most obvious aspect of the subversive way Playboyy showcases sex work, but Playboyy's also gotten into so many other important things that people who aren't aware of sex worker priorities don't realize might be important. 

If you've read opinions from sex workers or spoken to us it's very likely you've heard what problems we have with past portrayals of sex work and sex workers in TV/movies, but if you haven't, people much more qualified to write essays than me have written much better, journalist-quality pieces. Chaospikachu produced some pretty good sources on this post; they are good jumping off points that will give you ideas about what things to google further if that's your jam. (And you should google further--people have been talking about these things since usenet.)

In my experience, many former and current sex workers watch media with us in it because we love us even if society doesn't. I approach media featuring sex work skeptically and expect to be disappointed, but in spite of that approach I have found myself pleasantly surprised so far with Playboyy. The show does have problems, of course--no piece of media is without fault--but there's not much comparison for what they're doing because they've committed so fully to the ideal of 'sex worker camp' that in six (of fourteen) episodes they've already gone leaps and bounds past the places other media stopped.

Here's a little list of other things I've seen in Playboyy that I either haven't seen elsewhere or have seen so rarely that it's still groundbreaking:

SW and clients navigating starting/maintaining a relationship! This is sometimes taboo to talk about, but it happens. It happens a damn lot. Humans are humans, we just fall in love sometimes but this isn't an experience that gets to typically be seen in a complete, unflinching way. There are good parts and bad! I've known people who made it work and I've known people who crashed and burned; there are a lot of really predictable hurdles to pass and Teena/Zouey, Nuth/Phop, and Soong/First are showcasing these in a way no other media I've seen even tries to when depicting this type of relationship.

So many different types of sex work, and sex workers not sticking to one type of work either! This is much more realistic and reflective of my experiences; making money at sex work is often a matter of a lot more weaving of separate hustles together than people who aren't used to poverty seem to have the ability to understand. I can only think of a few very specific and specialized types of sex work that I haven't seen in the show yet and that's weird and wild (positive)! Normally there's one, maybe two or three types of sex work in evidence in a show about sex work so having lots of different types all co-existing is beautiful to me.

Sex workers fucking sex workers for fun and experience! It's so common in my experience but it's not something I've ever seen done before, and the way that they are showing many different types of ways of this happening makes me even happier. (So far we've gotten us having sex with us in these circumstances: for clients, as a means of protection, as a way to 'prove' yourself, and for tutelage.) There can be a real feeling of camaraderie and competition with fellow workers sometimes and Playboyy captures this like nothing I've seen before. 

Sex workers having boundaries! Even mid-sex. And the boundaries aren't treated as a joke or a comedic moment that the client then disregards. They're moments of real communication where the boundary gets respected or the encounter ends, for better or worse.

Sex workers having nuanced, complex feelings! Not just about the sex work, but also the events in their lives and each other. Their relationships are complex and give glimpses of how much more there is to be uncovered! Partying, laughing, being angry, being verklempt, finding enemies and finding family with each other. Crying, too, yeah. But there's a whole spectrum of feelings on display beyond the normal tragic ones that are 'allowed', including the desire for sex inside and outside of sex work.

Everyone communicates to the best of their ability! This isn't just a sex worker thing--it applies to First and Zouey as well--but it's normal for media about sex workers to actually involve a lot of misunderstandings that don't get fully discussed. The misunderstandings between characters Playboyy get treated as serious and  discussed in a way I haven't seen other BLs show before. Misunderstandings aren't a chance for Plot to fester, but rather a chance for reconciliation. It's just plain great modeling of healthy communication.

All of this and more adds up to Playboyy being a show that knows who their intended audience is and commits to that audience over and over week after week. Not by painting our experiences as flat or singular, but by fully committing to showing a very wide swath of our experiences and humanizing every single choice. You don't have to understand or like the show for these things to still be huge and important for SW representation. 

Playboyy is just casually doing what it's doing regardless of the larger opinion, which is the most sex worker camp part of it all. The show knows what it is about even if fandom hasn't figured things out yet.

[brokendarkfairyempressforever]

Please don't get mad and go off on me just listen

okay so I was homeless like more than a year ago

It was awful and terrifying and now I have more trauma to add in my big book of traumas'

Almost got raped

Being homeless is scary as heck

Please stop treating people who are homeless as crap

They're people and they deserve to be treated one

We were homeless because before my dad left he didn't pay the rent for months and we didn't know until like 7 months later when the landlord told us. We also been paying the rent after he left. She seemed understanding of our situation. At least we thought. Around my first week of school first week of me being a freshman in highschool she said she's going to kick us out until we pay the missing rent the rent that my dad didn't pay that we didn't know about and when we found out she said it was OKAY THAT SHE UNDERSTOOD. She said we have until the end of October to move out. We begged her to understand my mom is a single mom, my sister had to drop out of college to help pay the debt my dad left. It was impossible for them to be able to pay that large amount. She then said we have until the end of December. She kicked us out on November 15th 2022. We had almost everything packed. We found a place we just needed to settle a few things. We were almost there. She kicked us out more than a month early. The house we were going to rent said no at the last minute. We were at the streets. A month later we found a shelter at this hotel. They had a section for the homeless. They gave us expired food. I got food poisoning multiple times. My immune system is non existent at this point. They rarely had halal food but at least they tried. We had a court case. And the land lord god that effing woman won because she's rich. Literally the only reason. She unpacked our things and messed it up to show how we're bad people. No one cared that my dad was the one who created this mess. Who cares right he's a man. And we're 3 girls and a child and we're poor, brown, south Asian, and muslim. She kept almost all of our things even things that we just had for memories. She took everything, every belonging she took and gave us empty bags and boxes. This lady by the way has 3 houses in the Hamptons, but who cares right? Ramadan was a nightmare the amount of days we didn't get food. I don't even want to remember. Then in the middle of Ramadan my county shut down that shelter since it was "hindering the hotel's business". So they shipped us to the only shelter in my county. I got sick a lot but I still had to go to school cause I was sick every couple weeks. They never had halal food and the masjid when they had leftovers the workers there wouldn't give it to us. Only one of the shelter worker cared for us and when she could she gave us the food. I pray for her everyday. We never really got food. I had little brother too I would give we would give most of the food we got to him. The my mom sister and me would share but I know they gave me a little more. Then around the end of Ramadan our social worker at the shelter was able to get us an apartment. It's been rocky since then but at least we have somewhat stable housing. We're definitely really lucky and fortunate. We thank Allah(God) every day.

I'm telling you this story because you don't know what people go through. You don't know the reasons why people are homeless. You don't know what they go through. So please help and understand and give us at least human decency.

And open more homeless shelters. Make them safer. Give food that you would give everyone else. Make food accessible for people with allergies and religious restrictions. Make it easier for people to go find work and education. Don't restrict their rights. It's all I'm asking

Anyway I'm just asking for the world to be kinder, respectful, understand to all people of this world.

[shallowseeker]

Thinking about the SPN finale ghosts again, and how it echoes through each member of TFW.

(I think about this a lot. But it was all spawned by @angelcasendgame's additions to this post about how Sam really likes books). And...my recent pajamas obsession.

I went looking for this, and sadly, it isn't a meta so much as it is a collection of unrelated motif-thoughts. :(

Cas stuff

Cas almost never wears sleepwear, but when he does it's the dark dad robe of failed familial protector. He's the specter of always-working-dad. When he's not that, he's the homeless veteran, veteran-turned minimum-wage-civilian, or veteran-as-mental-patient. (images from smiledean)

In the finale, Cas (and his parallel) were both positioned as sentries of the door. Cas is the barrier-shield to protect the house.

Cas almost never sleeps and rarely wears pajamas. Instead, he's usually depicted in full-military or working/office "gear." Cas is, symbolically, the overworked father, "always working, even drained," as the finale drains the dad.

As motif of working father, he only is shown resting when he's dying or severely weakened--"ill." He rests only when he's dying or dead. As is his "duty."

He's always trying to protect them, even when he's failing miserably at it. Ironically, other family members resent his protection as much as they appreciate its security.

The finale-dad (Lyle Crowther) dies in front of an open door, when his back is turned, just as Cas literally dies in front of the door to another world.

Cas's deepest wants (12x19 The Future) were depicted as Sam running in a field of freedom and Dean being (ahem, very close) relieved, thankful, and free of burdens. (He perceives Dean's "distress," and he knows that he "adds to it," but he does not fully understand it.)

Cas patrols the bunker like a guard, and in his downtime, he indulges in the escapist fantasy of Saturday Evening Post + TV.

In his dreamscape, he sits at the table watching TV, notably not performing any sort of duty or chore as he basks inside the hearth of home (kitchen).

He often lectures Jack from this position at the kitchen table. (And sometimes from within Jack's room as well).

Dean stuff

Dean likes to nest, and he crows happily about that when they first find the Bunker. He quickly decorates his room, finds a "homey" gray robe, finds the shower and sings its water pressure praises, and takes over the kitchen. Other people don the dead guy robe. First is Chuck, who apes the "performing Dean" and overfocuses on his porn collection. (This is how Chuck sees Dean, after all--purely in a surface-level, sexual sense.) Other wearers include Mary and Jack, both of whom Dean wraps in gray robes as he welcomes them into the kitchen to eat a hardy meal of bacon and/or burgers. (images from TheFamilyBusiness.com)

Dean (borrowing from @scoobydoodean) is the hearth of the home, the heart.

(He's even referred to as "Tin Man" in 9x03 Slumber Party.)

He's the one in the family who wears the male version of the Dead Parent, "dead guy" robe -> dressing gown, in the form of the gray MoL robe. This robe is like the gray duster of his finale counterpart, the horrified warrior-caretaker.

He also wears cute, silly pajamas as the series goes on, revealing more of his actual personality in stark contrast to the sexy Malboro Man Chuck wanted to portray him as.

In later seasons, Dean wears hot dog pants, novelty socks, Scooby Doo boxers, and the lavender Scooby-Doo outfit (Dickens-style "dad" dressing shirt + nightcap).

In 14x10, Nihilism, Dean's dreamscape depicts him retired and waiting for his family to come home. Even at his failing roadhouse (Rocky's Bar in 14x10 Nihilism), he wants to provide rest and nourishment--drink and merriment.

When trouble comes to him, he can even help out as a distinguished warrior from his stable, stationary position.

Importantly, in his dreamscape, Dean does not brave the storm outside. (Pamela does that for him.)

Dean longs to be the safe harbor, the stop on the road, a destination to return to.

He embodies the warmth of the kitchen.

Likewise, he too delivers mentorship to Jack from the kitchen.

Occasionally, he enters Jack's bedroom and is the first member of TFW to be shown siting on Jack's bed as he mentors.

Sadly, in the finale, after the shield falls, the caretaker-warrior can only flee to higher ground as the hearth is breached.

Eventually, the caretaker falls, too, and is rendered mute as the tongue is brutally ripped out. (Just as Dean "cannot speak" in 15x19's script, as Jack disappears.)

Sam stuff

Sam is typically up early, wearing running gear or soft, modern pajamas. To my knowledge, I never saw him wearing a robe, but I'm happy to be corrected.

Sam yearns for safety, but he enjoys the academic rigor of "brainiac" career living.

He is usually positioned inside the library, surrounded by books, even in Gadreel's mindscape (9x09 Holy Terror).

Sam seems to genuinely love pouring over ancient books, examining the minutiae of cases, and throwing his weight towards a cause/career.

(Prone to perfectionism, Sam can be a little obsessive when it comes to filing literature, exercising, and "clean" eating.)

To Jack, Sam usually delivers mentorship from the quiet of the library, though occasionally comes into his room to attempt to give him pep talks.

Thus, Sam is the keeper of the books, the historian, the legacy.

Witchcraft is a natural outcropping of Sam's Solomonari-like thirst for knowledge.

And yet, his ghost-in-the-finale is shown cowering under the bed, yearning for safety, and so afraid of the loss of the loved ones that have always protected him (Cas and Dean). It's as Chuck coos in 12x09 The Trap, "You think Dean n' Cas are gonna come charging through that door just in the nick of time. You still think you can win."

As the shield is destroyed and the hearth is breached, the war spreads to the bedroom, creaking open the door. This is the safest space. (The symbolic nursery.)

Notably, Sam wears distinctly modern pajamas at all times, usually a simple tee + tracksuit bottoms. NEVER old-style or retro button-ups and never a nightgown over it.

Even his hoodie in the final, speaks of a "modern teenager," free to take on the world and live freely in the garden (field) of the Earth.

Jack stuff

Jack wears Cas's overcoat, because he's under Cas's protection, and a MoL robe because he's under the Winchesters' (specifically, Dean's) care.

Like Sam, Jack often wears the garb of a modern teenager around the house. On occasion, unlike Sam, he has a (vintage-ish) set of pajamas in gray and blue, as well as a little apron he wears in the kitchen.

Jack is triparted chimera of all three of his father-figures, from their best selves (courage, heart, knowledge) to their worst shadow selves (tyrant-god/frankincense, sacred executioner "the law"/myrrh, and martyr-king/gold).

Jack is typically shown inhabiting the domains of the other three (kitchen, battlefield, inside cars, the library), but he's often shown in his own bedroom.

Often, he is shown associated with family fun (family game night, Connect-four, Mouse trap), just as the younger boy in blue from the finale (Brady Crowther) is depicted playing checkers with his brother.

Jack dons the MoL nightgown after coming back from the dead, and thereafter is depicted in old-style blue/gray, "little boy," button-up pajamas, representing the responsibility of the angel/God he has always been expected to grow into.

But if we take Byzantium at face value, Jack just wants to be small--to shirk the insurmountable duty and destiny he was (seemingly) born into. Not a child or a boy, "just me."

He longs for the little moments, like fishing or spending time together.

His Heaven was a simple roadtrip--being together.

Somewhat paradoxically, he ALSO wants powers and strength to be able to protect everyone.

Unlike Sam, Jack is not cloaked solely in modernity but as Son of Heaven (red blood, blue sky).

He is veritable HEIR to Heaven, and as such, he is not actually free to inhabit the garden of the Earth.

He cannot escape his Heavenly father's "robe," that of God.

[multifandomconfusion]

The Family Jewels Songs as The Crows

Kaz - Numb

Kaz Brekker is practically the embodiment of this song because he has tried to numb himself entirely.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Kaz:

Oh, I get dark / Oh, and I'm in Hell / I need a friend / Ooh, but I can't yell / Yeah, I'm no good / No good to anyone / ‘Cause all I care about / Is being number one

Far gone families, far gone friends, / That's how it started, and how it ends / I can't open up and cry / ‘Cause I've been silent all my life

I feel numb most of the time, / The more I get the higher / I'll climb, and I will wonder why / I got dark only / To shine / And I'll light up the sky / Stars that burn the brightest / Fall so fast and pass you by / Spark like empty lighters.

Inej - Rootless

Inej has been separated from her home and family for much of her life. I would guess that she feels homeless and like she doesn't belong anywhere which is discussed in this song.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Inej:

I'm a Cloud drifting by / Dripping Tears from the Sky / I'm a Snail without a Shell / A Leper with a golden Bell / I've got nowhere to go / I'm a stray cat on the roam / Choking on a chicken bone / For a home sweet, no sweet home

Running with my roots pulled up / So they could cut me free of love

Dragging my roots through the snow / No home-sweet and no sweet home / I've got nowhere to go / I'm rootless, I'm rootless

Wylan - The Family Jewels

Wylan obviously has a very rocky and difficult relationship with his family, specifically his father. This song fits him amazingly.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Wylan:

I can't break the cycle, am I just a fool? / Falling down like dominoes, hit by family jewels / Pass it down from kid to kid, the chain will never end / 'Less I decide to go to it, will I see the end?

Ooh, don't you find it strange? / Only thing we share is one last name / Did I beat you at your own game? / Typical of me to put us all to shame

Oh, you think I'm unfit / Little did you know that I was cut for it / No glass slipper will ever fit

And literally the entire song.

Jesper - Shampain

This song combines the words shame and pain to represent the word champange. What could be more Jesper?

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Jesper:

Drinking champagne to forget yesterday / Coz I remember, the way, the way, the way / It ended the day, the day, the day, the day / That I walked away, away, away, away

Drinking champagne, meant for a wedding / Toast to the bride, a fairytale ending / Drinking champagne, a bottle to myself / Savor the taste of fabricated wealth

Matthias - Guilty

This song is about guilt and Matthias clearly struggles with guilt over all the terrible things he's done to Grisha, and in contrast how he betrayed his country. It also involves the imagery of a dog, which makes me think of Trassel. And it talks about dead family.

Lyrics That Remind Me of Matthias:

I was dreaming something dark / Hiding body parts / A broken dog, a broken leg / I left it cold, I left it dead

I was just a kid / That you could not forgive / Because it's harder / I was just a kid / And all I really wanted / Was my father

Guilty on the run / And I know what I have done / Guilty on the run / And I'm never forgiven

Nina - Seventeen

Nina is highly outspoken and opinionated just like the narrator of this song. Also she's seventeen lol.

Lyrics That Remind Me Of Nina:

You're a rich little boy / Who's had to work for his toys / You've got all the sensibilities / Of an upper class guy / No I'm not your little slave / No I don't twist and turn that way / Only got bad things to say / You're always asking what is up with me

Oh, you are embarrassed of me / ‘Cos I use my tongue freely / Bet you wish I couldn't speak / ‘Cos when I do, you know / I tell you why you're being weak

You teach me how to behave / I felt you question the way / I was brought up as a baby / Well you don't know fuck about my family

[encrucijada]

Please tell me everything there is to know about Bb&Gg 🙏 I’ve been scrolling the tags but I’m desperate for more!!! Hope you’re doing well 💛

omg first of all thank you so much 💖

and second, bb&gg are the initials of babylon boy and gossamer girl. a duology i co-write with my partner @teddywriting that is titled home habitat.

if you've scrolled through the tags you've got the general idea of what it's about but here are the basics: it follows our characters theodore "theo" rayes and maría paz "maripaz" vega, who each ran away from home for different reasons. they meet on the street and the plot of book 1 (babylon boy) follows their year of homelessness and how their relationship grows and changes. it is a very "characters over plot" book as the plot is really the emotional journey mari and theo go through, dealing with matters of want and trust and companionship. i'm not saying much about book 2 (gossamer girl), just that it follows the same character > plot structure and deals with matters of family and second opportunities.

throughout babylon boy theo is dealing with a drug addiction he is vehemently denying and maripaz is dealing with problems related to shame. talking about bb&gg is difficult without just explaining the entire character arcs these two go through. they first meet when theo helps maripaz shoplift some food and he steals one of the two necklaces she was wearing, this one with an angel pendant (this is important). upon fatefully meeting again theo returns the necklace to maripaz, having felt guilty for stealing it at all, and they form an alliance to help each other survive. the relationship obviously has a rocky start, not aided by each of them dealing with their own internal problems that they make external through arguments and once even ending in a physical fight.

if categorised in the fell first/fell harder, maripaz would be fell first. problem being her backstory includes her literally having just left a neglectful boyfriend that poisoned her rose-tinted look of romance, though it didn't kill it completely as maripaz is at her core a romantic. so, when she begins to catch feelings for theo she buries them and buries them deep. this would make theo the fell harder half of the equation, as he goes through a mini arc of realising he's demisexual and maripaz has the privilege of being the first person he's ever felt romantic and sexual attraction towards.

the real progression of events is a bit hazy. teddy and i do a lot of bite-sized rps that are very call and response, very "yes, and," so whatever happens is revealed to us as it happens. the book properly is not something we've started yet as we're either too busy (teddy) or burned out (me) for it atm. we've got around... 5... ? moments decided, if you don't count the meeting at the start. one of those being the physical fight i mentioned above. said fight is whom we have to thank for home habitat existing at all, we revisited it and a story with character arcs and a whole sequel sprung out. the other scenes are the church scene, the pool scene, the halo scene, and the ending! (not explaining any of those, sorry). i always have a really hard time trying to talk about mari and theo. they are so much the result of their environment that i feel i need to explain not just them but every other character in this universe so people understand. and then you'll be stuck hearing me talking about every single character because i'm also unwell about all of them.

home habitat is a bit of a change of form for what is "base canon" for mari&theo. mari and theo's twin sister bee are usually best friends, a very "extrovert adopts introvert" situation. tge character alex moore and theo are usually best friends, it is a Thing(tm) that they are best friends, in some aus they even live together. but because of the setting of home habitat, mari and bee have never met and neither have theo and alex. in fact, alex and mari were friends in school in this version. i am a little sad people might never get to see that version of them, as these four as a Group(tm) are very dear and special to me.

but yeah, i'll leave it at that. thank you again! 💖 hope you're doing well too

[bohemian-nights]

"...but why should she even be Valyrian? I'm terribly afraid that the point keeps going over your head"

She is of valyrian blood. What sort of racist shit are you saying? A black/brown woman can't have valyrian blood because of their skin color??? This argument is inherently racist and has been called out in the fandom already. Don't you wonder why it's Netty whose valyrian heritage gets questioned and not Addam/Alyn? George is already hinting at the racism yet here you are parroting the same racist shit. George literally wrote Brown Ben Plumm, the same guy whose Dany's dragons are comfortable with, as having valyrian blood. He wrote lores about dragonriding. Nettles is a dragonseed. You talk against racism but speak like a racist.

You sent me this and two other anonymous messages within an hour of each other(each sounding more ridiculous than the last).

It’s clear that you are spiraling and have a bad case of I’m not listening disorder, therefore this will be the last time that I respond to your unhinged rants.

This is how you(and the others who parrot this garbage) sound when you say Nettles’ fantastically brilliant Black self(don’t think I can’t see you still trying to be slick about her race) can’t be a non-Valyrian dragonrider: “How dare you say Black girls are pretty/talented/smart. Only non-Black girls are pretty/talented/smart and if you say otherwise you are a liar who doesn’t respect her betters.”

That’s the exact logic you are using Miss I’m not a racist, you are the real racist 🙃 GRRM isn’t writing this story to tell us how special the Targs are and that Targ supremacy is justified, but you are more than welcome to think that if you can’t handle the fact that a Black non-Valyrian girl was able to claim and tame a wild dragon🤷🏽‍♀️

According to GRRM, Nettles is a legal adult while Rhaenyra is a minor when they begin their respective relationships with Daemon. Additionally, Daemon has known Rhaenyra since she was a child and she’s his niece. He only knew Nettles when she was a legal consenting adult who could’ve gotten herself the hell out of dodge if she wanted to.

There is no way a smart girl like Netty who found it preferable to be homeless than be used by men for their pleasure would stay where she didn’t want to be. No matter how much you go on about it, Dettles≠Dumbnyra, and yes, a racist white woman is the villain here(last time I checked CSA doesn't make you into a racist and it doesn't excuse trying to make a pregnant woman into a hate crime statistics. She's a victim of Daemon, but she's a villain to Nettles. She’s responsible for her own actions here)🤷🏽‍♀️

Calling me a “white male worshipper” is ironic considering I’ve had someone accuse me of “only wanting to put Black women with Black men” due to shipping Baela and Alyn rather than Baela and Jace. It can’t be both so I need someone to tell me ASAP(no Rocky) which one is it.

So now you care about Black women 🙃 I like Baegon in an AU setting where Aegon knows how to act right, not how he is in show/book canon. Laughable that you actually think I’m using Baela as a proxy(or any of these ladies) to lust over Aegon of all characters 🫠Like I said, you are unhinged.

If anyone wants to know the fastest way you’ll get blocked by me it’s this(being butthurt you got called out so now you have descended into spamming me with your drivel).

[dearestdumpsterfire]

Hey y’all.

I dont talk about my life on Tumblr, usually for good reason.

Unfortunately, I have become homeless and been put into a position where I have to ask for help. I have always been uncomfortable asking for help.

My mom kicked me out in the middle of the night Friday night. I have some resources available to me but my focus right now is on the fact that I have no money.

And thats where this comes into play.

I put the full story in the linked Reddit post, which I have copied and pasted at the bottom of this post.

My GoFundMe link is here:

The post:

I got kicked out and I have nothing. What should I do, where should I start?

Note: I do have a job. I apologize for not mentioning that in here, I thought I had.

I’m eighteen years old, finishing my senior year in high school. My mother kicked me out at midnight in the freezing cold where I walked to a friend’s house to stay there for the night. Now it’s the next morning and besides going to work today, what the hell do I do? Do I file for some sort of government assistance? Is there anything I can do to help my situation? I live in Virginia Beach.

**Update for details**

I do have somewhere to stay, I don’t have 100% guaranteed transportation but I have enough where I’ll need it. I think I should start a gofundme or something. I literally left in the freezing cold at the middle of the night with two trash bags, a small duffel bag, and a little cardboard box of very sentimental items I didn’t trust my mom to let me go get, as well as all of $1.10 in my bank account.

Thank you all for your advice. I have contacted my guidance counselor and started looking into the Senton Youth Services.

***Update #2: Why I got kicked out & my gofundme***

My mom has mental health issues she refuses to speak to a professional about. This isn’t the first time she’s tried to make me leave. She can never accept when she has done something wrong and will explode if someone says she has. (tw for this bit) I am in very rocky ED recovery and my sister consistently jokes and does everything she can to make me hurt over my body, even though she saw me when I was so thin you could count all of my bones. My mother got on me because I told the sister that wasn’t okay, that she knew those things bother me and she specifically said it to hurt me deeply. This sister just so happens to be mother’s pride and joy, the infamous golden child who does no wrong.

Now I’m here, laying on my friends floor typing this. I set up a GoFundMe for this if anyone is interested.

[trinketx3]

homeless transitions r always super fucking rocky cuz why i literally got my devices, vape, and the clothes on my back.

[donovankinard]

hello, darlings✮ fic requests are closed right now - but will be open again after christmas. dividers by @saradika-graphics.

spotify || ao3

✮ you can call me nova. ask about other nicknames, but nine times in ten i'll adore you forever if you nickname me.

basic info ✮ he/they, trans, pan/bi umbrella, ambiverted infp-t, type six, sagittarius, australian, dog person, romance reader, writing is everything to me, winter>>, glasses wearer, headphones on twenty-four/seven, cd collector, spotify premium user, aspiring author, regular oversharer, real-person-shipper and rpf writer, ginger cat, ao3 addict, anti-monarchist, socialist, lacrosse player, pwhl enthusiast, seattle seahawks supporter, theatre nerd, night owl, moderator of the be my valentine challenge, high schooler, green is the best colour talk to the hand, i like weird science podcasts and procedural dramas, tote bag owner (to a mildly concerning degree), i'm an eyeliner kind of guy, i don't keep my mouth shut for anybody. free palestine!!

music ✮ one direction, conan gray, olivia rodrigo, twenty one pilots, maddie zahm, caity baser, dylan gossett, sabrina carpenter, alexander black, megan moroney, xana, kelsea ballerini, noah kahan, ed sheeran, billie eilish, five seconds of summer, cavetown, maisie peters, finneas, taylor swift, queen, hozier, girl in red, luke combs, phoebe bridgers, gracie abrams, miley cyrus, dean lewis, sixpence none the richer, morgan wallen, birdy, renée rapp, the beatles, abba, robbie williams, ashe, blackbear, dyl dion, chappell roan, luke combs

books ✮ little women, red white and royal blue, osemanverse, jane doe and the cradle of all worlds, nevermoor, boyfriend material and husband material, afterlove, the meaning of birds, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, i kissed shara wheeler, the fault in our stars, they both die at the end, song of achilles, girl in pieces, you'd be home now, a semi-definitive list of worst nightmares

musicals ✮ come from away, hamilton, in the heights, high school musical, hsmtmts, dear evan hansen, tick tick boom, wicked, disney musicals<3, the greatest showman, the addams family musical, matilda, tina: the tina turner musical, mary poppins + returns, six, miss saigon, rocky horror, west side story, funny girl, chicago, moulin rouge, grease.

movies & tv ✮ little women (2019), barbie (2023), dunkirk, don't worry darling, my policeman, julie and the phantoms, rwrb, heartstopper, 9-1-1 (and lone star), doctor who, clouds, love simon and love victor, station 19, greys anatomy, b99. resisting roots

my characters ✮ amy march, nina rosario, henry fox-stuart, nick nelson, christopher eccleston's doctor, achilles, ezra squall, regulus black, augustus waters, john laurens, evan buckley, carlos reyes, allen from barbie.

my ships ✮ larry stylinson, firstprince, tarlos, tevan, nick&charlie, wolfstar, jegulus, amy&laurie, morrigan&cadence, hamburr, laurette, hobama<3, eddie diaz with literally anyone (but especially josh russo)

goals and dreams ✮ i want to study abroad, publish my writing, adopt or foster kids, travel to every continent someday, volunteer with lgbt+ homeless/support shelters/charities, attend 4/5 1d boys' concerts, learn at least two languages

my sideblogs ✮ my poetry blog: @thelostboyschapter 1d lyric keywords: @onedirectionandblank

[lexifer-666]

It's the new year and I've got weird family stuff happening I need to rant about. Under the cut. CW/TW for: mentions of emotional and physical neglect, manipulation, general abuse, homophobia, transphobia, ableism. Basically a huuuge traumadump post because i gotta have some place to work shit out. There's a silver lining at the end if you're willing to read.

so like. I spent years… YEARS being the family scapegoat. Everything I did was wrong. Everything about who I was… Was wrong. I spent the majority of my life building up walls and armor, carefully constructing this Person I should be. Quiet, calm, invisible. Never allowing myself to exist, never letting anyone know who I was. I hid so many aspects of myself- My gender, my religion, even the music I listened to, the books I read… The shows I watched. Because each of these things were weaknesses my family used against me. To belittle and manipulate me. There was… So much abuse and neglect. I've finally kind of accepted myself for being disabled, but I spent the better part of 3 years trying to convince my family that I wasn't faking or being dramatic, that there was actually something seriously wrong. It's been… 5 years since I moved out. I spent a lot of that time healing, letting the people around me see me for who I was. I stopped masking as much, and let my neurodivergent qualities show. I was floored when I would tell someone about something I was interested in, and instead of mockery I was met with genuine interest. I came out as trans openly, changed my name, started T. All the while… I had little to no contact with my family. I only showed up for funerals and shit like that.

In the past… Year? Ish? My family have all done a complete 180. They no longer act like I'm some demonic, sinner child. They all actually took the whole trans thing pretty well.. Which was a stark contrast to the hours-long lecture I got whenever I came home from my dad's house wearing men's clothing on my 14th birthday. It… Weirds me the fuck out. They actually treat me like a part of the family, they're listening to me when I talk instead of just talking over me. (I spent the ages of 16-17 barely speaking to anyone because I had literally fucking given up.) It's… I went to christmas this year. Voluntarily. I drove there myself. No one yelled. No one beat the shit out of eachother. I didn't feel disrespected at all-- The only time it even got close was when my mom was worriedly asking me if I could carry my own plate, to which I told her "I do this every day, mom." (I was doing things one handed, forearm crutch and all.) But…. I don't know. I should be happy that they're taking an interest in who I am now. I should be ecstatic! I might actually be able to have a relationship with my family! And… I am, to an extent. I'm… Happy I actually have a relationship with them now. Rocky, fresh, like I just got adopted and I'm still testing the waters.

But… There's also resentment. I spent my whole childhood, and 5 years of college and couch hopping, not feeling like I belonged anywhere. Of hating myself. They come to me now? After I've healed from them? After I already grew and moved on, began to accept myself, made real, genuine connections with other people? They enter my life with real love and acceptance now? When I don't fucking need them? Where were they when I was homeless? Where were they when I felt like my life was worthless? When I felt like only 3 people in this entire world actually cared for me and loved me? There's also guilt. I built friendships where… I related to my friends on the basis of. Oh fuck, none of us have good relationships with our family, we're all kind of outcast and scapegoated. Now… That's changing for me. And… I feel guilty. Because my friends deserve to have a family too. I shouldn't be the only one who gets to have this. All I can do is not.. Talk about it too much. It would feel like rubbing salt in the wound, and I do not want to hurt them like that. Soooo. I'm sitting here. At 5am. It feels like I've been sucked into an alternate reality where my family is… Not a bunch of traumatized, cycle-repeating abusive religious zealots.

My mother has discord? And knows what pronouns are? She straight up said "I'm sorry, I'm not meaning to disrespect your pronouns, I'm still getting used to this." Like… Jesus christ man she's 61. 61, ex-mormon, now evangelical, lives in a small town of literally 200 people. My stepdad didn't even really talk to me, either. Normally he would have some smartass thing to say, something to get under my skin and make me snap at him. And I was prepared to, he can't hit me now that I'm an adult without going to jail…. But he didn't even try. In fact, when the tarp on my car tore, he went to the next town over and bought me two rolls of expensive ass tape to fix it. Didn't even ask me to pay him back. I… Don't really know what to make of all this. The tiny, jaded 14 year old Lex that still lives in my heart is screaming at me. He's pissed, he doesn't want me to trust them a bit. But…. I don't know. I'm tired of not having a family.

[currentfandomkick]

Guys. Throw in Uncle Scarecrow as one of Eddie’s friends egging him on and stealing that formula that made him into his monster form from Penguin and have that be a synthetic ectoplasm?

Add that scarecrow is now Danny’s uncle and to a degree danny requires an ecto-variation and a degree of fear (or even have his reaction to fear gas be to get hangry or ‘puddle of goo’).

I know everyone loves Danny with the Sirens (and i do love those, and will ear it up in every form) but if we take Danny’s spectra truama (therapist trauma) and clown trauma from Freak Show the there’s a decent chance Harley Quinn would be a trauma trigger for him.

I propose Danny gets Uncle Ed and Scarecrow to everyone’s confusion.

(please let Fright Knight somehow have partial custody as he isnt trusting mortals with the Heir to the Throne but mever explains why he is bodygaurding Danny besides ‘he is the better candidate’ (for the ghost throne that is split atm between Vlad, Danny, Dan, Ellie (on a ‘mirrorborn = template for five years until stability is proven’ type technicality) as those that have defeated Pariah Dark in ‘one on one combat’… and Vlad shouldn’t count according to Fight Knight but the ghosts are under the impression Vlad and the Phantom Three have a rocky parent-child bond and are not going to force the developmental children onto the throne. Fright Knight is team ‘Realms can handle no king until Danny is done with mortals, no big deal’ and a minority opinion.)

Give Ellie/Danni to Red Hood as one of the meta street kids he keeps an eye on and goes pspspsps at. Ellie is not trusting adults after the Vlad thing and how adults handle homeless kids. Nope. She will take your food and shelter on occasion, but she’s not staying!

Dropkick Jazz to the Sirens. Her idol Harley Quinn is there with her. Selina would absolutely help her learn to be more confident in herself and let others deal with their own consequences and not feel obligated to fix it for them (Eldest Daughter parenting parents and sibs Problem). And later Jazz is learning about bio chem from Poison Ivy and how to make and ethically source various chemicals. Why? Tell me Jazz would not open an apothecary in Gotham and have a side practice as a therapist as it takes time to get certified and she wants to help NOW.

Tell me she would not intimidate Dan into acting as the cashier while she handles the meds, possibly with Sam helping as the plant supplier she uses for a number of ingredients when she later moves to Gotham for college (aesthetics, and goth and ounk scenes there are great.)

If you want add in Sam as a baby eco-terrorist that poison ivy slips ideas too, with Tucker helping her in return for not starting a protest against Meat Itself but animal treatment and gently encouraging her wrath that way and away from his beloved meat industry’s existence. He agrees to let her vet his food sources and handle cooking any meat products in their shared appt in return for her not throwing it out for existing.

Tucker hacks groups for fun, and is probably a Wayne Enterprises intern as a result of Oracle and Red Robin managing to track him… Tim is the one who told Bruce they call dibs on Tucker (mostly knowing him as a hactivist and approving most of what he does.) Tucker is overjoyed and helps with security coding, explains that Amity had the inverse to regular coding and his personal ‘off the books’ coding clearly is doing Something thats a lot harder to track…

Because he uses hieroglyphics as his base coding then the inverse coding with a smidge of magic protection.

Valerie is probably a JL recruit who visits Gotham, sees Danny running around as paradox and just asks Jazz why she hasn’t reigned in Danny yet… only to meet Dan, find out Ellie is STILL refusing standard housing, and Danny at least goes to school, minimizes murder and violence with the rogues he helps (literal contracts) and has Fright Knight guarding him.

Jazz has her limits, and Ellie is Red Hood’s headaches and occasionally Danny’s as he didn’t tell Jazz about her until Jazz caught them hanging out and she asked him if he was using duplicates to try out genders again but messed up this ones age.

Ellie was insulted! Then cackled when she learned Danny forgot to explain the clone thing. Ellie is refusing to be adopted and hates school—online is allowed.

Val just scruffs Ellie in front of Red Hood in her civilian getup and asks her why.

Cue Val vs Red Hood and Crime Alley for Ellie’s custody. Ellie is just a feral stray cat that like certain people, but doesn’t want to Stay.

In the background you see Fright Knight and Danny/Paradox arguing over if they should get involved… Danny just wants ellie safe, but is not sure where Red Hood falls with him as a Rogue’s getaway driver who works with Riddler (new dad for about five years atp) and Uncle Scarecrow (who used to target crime alley a lot… now its more liminals and has gently shooed scarecrow into semi-anti hero tendencies (as he has gone after his students’ abusers when he was a teacher, and could easily be tempted into doing that now and then). Frighty is team ‘Nope. She refused our help before. Natural consequences time.’

Ellie disapproves of this ‘legal guardian’ nonsense.

Jazz just sighs when asked why she isnt throwing her hat in and points to Dan with a simple ‘i’m his Guardian. Danny picked his. Ellie refuses to be forced so she has a room is she wants it, but i know my family does not do ‘listen when force is used’

Alright, since it’s no longer 2 in the morning and my head’s a bit clearer, I present to you:

Liminal Riddler

So, not everyone in the DC fandom knows about this, and I’d bet that even less people in the Phandom do, but at one point, the Riddler had cancer. Had, past-tense, because he cured it. With the Lazarus pits.

And yeah, not everyone who gets dipped in the pits has to be liminal, but one would assume that the sudden replacement of a large number of malignant cells throughout the body is gonna do something.

The Riddler already acts quite a lot like a DP ghost in some interpretations anyways. He’s got a strict gimmick that he genuinely can’t part ways with, he’s campy and fun, he’s incredibly violent, etc.

Also, the way that he would react to this whole thing would be funny as hell.

Do I think the Riddler would really care if the GiW was after him? No. This is Gotham, the government is constantly going after him anyways.

Do I think he would care if Danny was being hunted down by the same people, and his parents were involved? Somewhat. He probably wouldn’t care about Danny specifically, at least not right away, but a young boy running terrified from his own parents would definitely bring back some bad memories, and he would probably give him a hand (if for no other reason than to get back to plotting crimes instead of dealing with childhood trauma).

Do I think the Riddler, whose entire thing is being smarter than everyone else, would care if the GiW somehow let slip that they thought he didn’t have human intelligence? That they believed him to be nothing but an echo of human life?

It’s not even a question. He would be the most insufferable person in Gotham within the hour. Genuinely nothing could stop him, especially not if Danny was helping jailbreak him from Arkham every time he got caught.

Almost every major road is closed. Every warehouse on the Docks is on fire. Somehow, they managed to color the clouds and smog a bright green.

The natives of Gotham would probably get those anti-ghost laws and acts overturned faster than the Justice League, if only to make the Riddler stop. His traps and games aren’t even lethal at this point (due to Danny’s insistence), but they’re so genuinely annoying that the general population is about to beat the GiW agents to death themselves just to get the Riddler to quit it already.

Also, I think that during this whirl of chaos, the Riddler would become quite fond of Danny.

He’s a bright young boy who’s very fond of wordplay, and inventive enough to keep up with him. Aside from the inevitable crisis of “oh god I’m becoming the bat,” he’d probably be happy to take on Danny as his protégé. Even if the boy won’t let him kill anyone (rude), he’s a terrifying getaway driver and can turn the both of them invisible and intangible, making Arkham escapes a breeze.

Hell, the Riddler would probably be willing to make a false identity for the two of them, just so he could get the boy proper schooling.

(Yes, he thinks that the entire education system is a sham and that he could do much better, but Danny wants to go into aerospace engineering, and the Riddler isn’t one to squander someone’s interest in learning.)

(Also, Echo and Query would find the whole thing hilarious)

[rubykgrant]

Here’s the RVB “Carnie/Circus AU” again, by itself~

Grif and Kai; at some point when she was done with high school, they had run away from home (because of Reasons), and at first Grif was ADAMANT that they were NOT gonna literally join the circus... but getting a job is hard when you’re kinda homeless, and the fairgrounds are always willing to hire somebody. Plus, free fair food. So they both start spending time there, working at the different events that come through. Eventually, one traveling circus/rodeo group arrives, and while it is stressful at first, it turns out to be the best source of money. When it packs up to leave, the Grif sibs join them. Grif is a jack-of-all-trades, running game booths, rides, and food stalls (he especially likes being on food duty, because then he can just snack all day). Kai helps with various performances, sometimes setting things up and also being part of the show, and has a lot of fun being a photo girl (she branches out a little on her own, organizing raves and dance parties)

Sarge; after leaving behind the military life, he tried a few other jobs (security guard, traveling salesman, stuff like that). Nothing ever stuck. He found himself getting temporary work helping with loading equipment on a train, which happened to belong to a circus. The guy running the show took off one day, with all the money and several valuables (surprise-surprise, he had a whole shady history and had been using a fake name). Because he was just there and helping set things up, Sarge did what he does best- started giving orders. At first it was only to help the group put on a good show so they could make some money back, but he was a natural when it came to being an entertainer. A week turned into a few months, then a few years, and now Sarge is the one running the show. He’s a little unorthodox and temperamental, but somehow keeps it all together

Church; just a dude who was left unconscious on one of the slow-moving train rides... after about 10 turns, somebody finally shook him awake, and evidently he had some memory loss going on. He knows his name, some vague idea of his past, but no clue about what he’s been doing for the last couple of years or why he’s at a carnival. He gets a temporary hotel room, and comes back to the carnival hoping it will somehow jog his memory. He eventually spots a familiar face... after a while, the carnival is ready to move on, and since his cash has run out, Church asks to come along and get a job. He starts just assisting with rides, and is pretty at home bossing around line-cutters and such. Once during a performance, some drunk guy wandered up on stage, and when Church went to get him, shenanigans literally ensued. The audience thought it was part of the show... and thus, Church got wrangled into being part of various clown acts. He’s very entertaining when he’s irritated, which is the constant theme

Tucker; the guy who got a little too tipsy and rowdy, and stumbled up on stage. After he sobers up, he makes a deal to help out a little so he doesn’t get into any trouble. At first it’s just cleaning and what-not. Despite having a rocky start, he strikes up a good friendship with Church, and starts to specifically help with whatever Church is doing. He often gets Church to buy him food, because Tucker tells girls he can TOTALLY get them free tickets for rides... but then has to pay for them. After an incident involving flirting with a girl who happened to have a jealous boyfriend, Tucker leaves with the circus to a new town. Along the way, he winds up becoming a single dad, and gets VERY focused on making sure he takes good care of Junior. When Junior is little, he comes along for the ride with Tucker, who home-schools him (or rather, carnival-schools him). As Junior gets older, Tucker only travels with the group during the summer seasons (Junior still takes some at-home classes, so he can leave school from the middle of May until September. the circus is his second home with his extended family, so he’s happy with this arrangement and does well in class, so it all works out fine), and few special event trips. Tucker used to do some dare-devil stunts, but settled down after he had Junior. Most of the time, he runs the fun-house and haunted-house rides

Caboose; visited the circus one day... with some VERY hectic results. Caboose seems to be a bit accident-prone, but also weirdly lucky? He was strong enough to ring the bell on the high-striker game with the hammer, but the bell actually shot off the post, ricocheted around, before knocking several game stalls over like a domino-effect, which caused the ferris wheel to tip over. Thankfully, nobody was riding it... but it DID crash down right over Church, who stood in shock, almost unable to believe the bars hadn’t crushed him. The circus wasn’t sure if this was Caboose’s fault, or theirs for not doing enough safety checks (probably both), so in hopes he won’t sue, they offer him free passes to see various shows (while picking up the pieces for the rides). Caboose is absolutely enthralled by the magic and clown acts, and his favorite performer happens to be the guy he nearly killed. Caboose always volunteers the LOUDEST for Church’s bits, and since they amuse the audience so much, he becomes Church’s partner-clown. Caboose also becomes a costume character for the circus, since he’s great at amusing the kids (his secret job is “chaos factor”. before they officially open, they let Caboose test everything, and if it breaks, they know to make it double-safe)

Simmons; after doing poorly in some college-prep classes (he’s smart enough, but a bad test-taker and nobody wants to work with him in groups), he basically got thrown out of his own home unless he either gets a job or gets into college on his own. He kinda... totally falls apart without any sort of direction in his life, and winds up literally homeless. He finds a flyer for free passes to visit a carnival as a promotional stunt, and goes just because the fair food will be cheap, and he’s only got like 10 bucks left. While there, he winds up spending time with Grif (not realizing Grif works there), and spills about his difficult situation. Grif buys him some extra food to eat, and tells Simmons to stick around through the evening. While thinking about where he’s gonna sleep when it gets dark, Simmons passes by as Sarge is ranting about a technical problem with one of the stages. Simmons meekly offers a suggestion, and Sarge immediately takes advantage of him, having Simmons re-wire everything and fix the bugs in the computer used for the show. Before he knows it, Simmons has a job at a circus??? When he goes to stay in an employee trailer, he finds Grif is his roommate (and totally knew the nerd would jump at the chance to impress an authority figure). Simmons generally works as their own personal tech-support, while also helping with the schedule and finances

Donut; because the circus also has a petting zoo and some livestock/rodeo functions, Donut began participating because of the animals he’s raised. He wins several ribbons, and also helps with the displays for baby critters (little chickies that hatch, and so on). As he spends more time there, he starts wishing he could do more “creative performances”, and after several failed attempts, he finally finds a unique angle doing something that is a combination of strongman/magic act. He wears elaborate and fancy outfits he makes himself, lifts up weights/large objects, and also makes them levitate/vanish/transform. There is a LOT of glitter involved. His shorter shows for the kids are fairly straight-forward, but he has other performances for mature audiences... which he narrates. He doesn’t realize most of his jokes have double-meanings. He also does face-painting for the art booths

Doc; a health inspector that originally came by to make sure they had good conditions for their food stalls. After nearly getting hurt in a Caboose-related accident, he shuts the circus down until they pass ALL the safety requirements... which are going to be organized by him. He’s also very insistent that all the employees need some help with their emotional health, and decides he will be the self-appointed HR person. He spends so much time working on this particular project, when he eventually contacts his bosses for a new assignment, he is informed that they though he quit and terminated his employment. At first, he panics... and then demands that the circus pay him back for wasting so much time helping them. When they initially are reluctant (”It wasn’t OUR fault you forgot to call your boss for 5 months!”), O’Malley speaks up, and they give him a job. Their legit HR person now, and also walks around the fairgrounds with a first-aid kit for any potential accidents. O’Malley is an announcer for some of the spooky rides and performances

Tex; somebody Church knew a long time ago... while she’s aware of things he isn’t, she also seems to have a few memory issues herself. He spots her at the circus one day, making money off people by betting who can ride a mechanical bull the longest (she always wins). For a while, she sort of comes and goes, popping up in random cities the circus stops in, getting temporary work with them occasionally, before going off on her own again. She seems to be dealing with some other strange problem, one that both concerns Church but she doesn’t want to involve him with. At one point, while helping the group with some security work, she gets injured, and stays with them for an extended period of time. Some of her prob;ems now come looking for her, and the others all have to deal with it... including Church

Sheila; works a magic booth, with an interesting act she puts on. Dressed as a witch with a crystal ball, she sits behind a glass window, looking like an animatronic fortune-teller. People put money into a coin slot, press a button to select what kind of fortune they want (options are things like Love, Money, Luck, etc), and she speaks in a mechanical voice... when people laugh at the fortunes, she takes on a more relaxed pose and speaks with a loose speech-pattern, surprising them! When not doing her animatronic bit, she also uses Tarot cards and does palm-reading, as well as selling little good luck charms and trinkets

Lopez; the mechanic for the circus. He fixes all the rides and vehicles as needed. He has very little patience for some of the nonsense caused by the others... but he puts up with it because it is hard not to care about these dorks. Sarge new Lopez from a previous job, and when he needed somebody reliable to help with maintenance, he knew who to call. Sometimes, if Lopez is too irritated, he’ll pretend he doesn’t understand what somebody is asking him. When they repeat the request in Spanish, he says in a flat voice “I can’t understand you, I don’t speak Spanish.” His other jobs involve some musical performances, and occasionally working with the art booths (he’s very talented). He and Sheila also have a happy romantic relationship

Wash; begins visiting the circus on a regular basis, seemingly trying to find out information on particular people working there. While nobody is sure about his motives at first, it is eventually revealed that Wash has also been lied to about why he was sent. It seems that somebody wanted Church found, and then somebody else wanted Church dead (a case of mistaken identity? a conflict from his past he doesn’t remember? maybe both?). Church winds up in the hospital, waking up with even MORE memory loss. After several ups and downs and a few run-ins that end in disaster, Wash finds himself betrayed and injured. With nowhere else to go, he stays with this circus group... and to earn his keep, he wears the clown outfit and fills-in for Church. He’s all kinds of awkward, unsure of how to interact with everybody (previously being Mr Serious, and then getting a little cold-hearted and violent... now he’s trying to be a person again after LITERALLY getting kid-napped/adopted by some carnies)

Carolina; she has a complicated past with Tex and Wash... even though she hasn’t personally met him, she’s also connected to Church as well. Because they’re all part of the circus, she’s forced to spend time there as well. She kinda scares everybody with her intense attitude, and just when some past mysteries were starting to make sense, she and Church left on a solo-adventure. It seems that some time ago, before any of the current people were part of it, this traveling circus was LITERALLY a front for a group of spies and mercenaries, and Carolina’s father was involved with it (so was the previous boss who ran off with the money). Carolina has unfortunately inherited some of her dear old dad’s problems, which the circus has to deal with as well. When all is over and done with, she finally accepts that she has a new home with this very strange group, and even puts together and acrobatic dare-devil act. She did a lot of gymnastics and other martial arts classes when she was younger, so this works just fine

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twenty-One

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: as someone who is physically incapable of reading fics and other long tumblr posts line by line and word for word, i think it’s so fucking cool that a bunch of you regularly, excitedly read what i post. i would not blame you at all for skim reading. thank you.

***

The majority of Cassian’s life was spent battling with the fact of his own existence. First he was fatherless, then motherless, then homeless. Being taken in by Rhys’s parents, who bought him nice clothes and nicer gifts, was like putting a bandaid over a stab wound. It couldn’t change the questions that made up Cassian at his core: was he equal to everyone else in this world, or had he been born inherently inferior? Did he deserve the same happinesses that his friends so carelessly reaped, or should he step back and know his place?

The older he grew, the more he grappled with those questions—until the night he learned who his father was, and the truth behind his existence. That he was likely a product of rape. Nearly driving himself drunk off a mountainside in Monte Carlo was enough to make him realize with a startling clarity: he couldn’t keep asking himself the same questions for the rest of his life. At some point, he was going to have to buck the fuck up and make his peace with the world, whether he believed he deserved to be in it or not. And though it might have taken him a while to reach that conclusion, Cassian can proudly say he did it. Not long into his post-college years, Cassian finally grew up.

By twenty-seven, he was secure enough in himself and his place in the world to not have to deal with those doubtful voices every waking minute. His life was figured out, and his ego was unshakeable. Until Nesta Archeron entered the story.

Now at twenty-eight, Cassian is again unsecured—this time in a less tragic but more confusing way. Because everything he thinks he knows about himself, about life, she insists on proving wrong.

Including the issue of celebrating his birthday.

“I feel like I should have asked this earlier,” Cassian mutters to Nesta as they stand in the cozy resort lobby, “but why is Az here?”

Nesta looks both humiliated and resigned when she mutters back, “He wouldn’t pay for the resort unless I let him come with us.”

“At that point you should’ve just let me pay, babe.” He watches Azriel’s back as he chats up the lady at the front desk while getting their room keys.

“On your own birthday? It would have ruined the point,” Nesta says.

Cassian doesn’t retort that having his brother present at their couple’s retreat also ruins the point. He’s sure she already knows.

Nesta’s reaction when Cassian told her that he didn’t celebrate his birthday was unforgettable.

“No one in our inner circle really cares about birthdays,” he had shrugged. “Feyre’s birthday is the exception because she’s sort of the outsider, and Rhys will find any excuse to worship at her feet. But the rest of us? I don’t know, it was never a big deal.”

As someone who’s never skipped a birthday once in her life, even when she was isolated and ignoring her family’s phone calls, Nesta took this as a personal offense. “I need to get you out of this cabin,” she stated.

Which brings them here, to Colorado’s finest ski resort situated high in the Rocky Mountains. The lobby is littered with overstuffed armchairs and a crackling fireplace, and huge windows look out over the blinding white mountains.

Az starts heading their way, key cards in hand, when Cassian suddenly turns to Nesta. “We need to find him a woman,” he whispers.

“What?”

“We can’t let him third wheel with us for the whole weekend. We’ll never get time alone.” Cassian is set on this new plan, already scanning the lobby for women around Azriel’s age.

“I agree, but—”

Azriel reaches the two of them, tossing a room card to Nesta. “You can stop talking about me now. I’ll be spending most of my time hitting the slopes.”

Cassian and Nesta mumble a halfhearted, “We weren’t talking about you.”

He narrows his eyes at them. “Uh-huh. Just remember whose credit card this is going on.” Picking up his ski gear and duffel bag, he turns for the elevator.

Nesta frowns up at Cassian once Az is gone, more adorably than she probably intends. “Do you think he’s upset?”

He scoffs. “We should be upset at him.” He doesn’t want to have to worry about his brother while he’s on vacation, and Az definitely wouldn’t want him to worry either, but it isn’t something that can be helped.

Despite his irritation, he might go skiing with Az later this afternoon. Just to keep him company.

***

Nesta will give it to Azriel—he’s a man of fine taste, and also generous with his spending. She originally wanted a normal room for her and Cassian, preferably the cheapest one, but Az went behind her back and upgraded them to a fully decked out penthouse suite.

“This is too much for just a weekend,” she tells him over the phone while Cassian is in the bathroom. “How am I supposed to pay you back for this?”

“Why would you pay me back?” he says dismissively. “I’m rich.”

When Nesta tries arguing with him, he only replies, “I don’t take money from poor people,” and hangs up on her.

Which leaves Nesta to enjoy the four-spray shower and heated bathroom tiles free of charge. By the time she comes out of the shower, Cassian has already left with Azriel to hit some slopes before dinner, though not before leaving her a note promising to teach her how to ski tomorrow.

Nesta doesn’t even get to unwrap her towel from her body before realizing her phone is ringing incessantly, all the way from the other side of the suite. Jogging over to the living area, Nesta answers Emerie’s call. “What’s up?”

“Where are you?” Emerie greets without introduction.

“At the ski lodge?” Nesta answers, confused. “I already told you, for Cassian’s birthday.”

“I know that,” Emerie hisses. “I mean what room are you in? This place is huge.”

“Wait—you’re here?” Nesta looks quickly around herself, as if Emerie will pop up from behind the couch.

“Not just me. So is Gwyn.” Nesta hears rustling on the other side of the line, and then Emerie saying from a distance, “Answer for your crimes, Gwyneth. Say hi.”

A new, clearer voice comes over the phone. “Hiii, Nesta.” Gwyn sounds weak, like she is not having fun at all.

“What the hell do you two think you’re doing?” Nesta demands.

“Well, it’s a long story and I need to see you first. Also, I have to pee. Where is your room?”

Five minutes later, Gwyn and Emerie are sitting obediently before the roaring fireplace in Nesta and Cassian’s suite.

Now fully dressed, Nesta stabs a finger at Emerie. “Explain.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Emerie says indignantly. “Gwyn barged into my place at eight in the morning and dragged me all the way here—”

“It was an emergency!” Gwyn tosses her hands in the air. “It still is an emergency. That’s why we’re here.”

“I’m here because Gwyn is scared of traveling alone,” Emerie interjects. “And driving on highways.”

“Guys!” Nesta snaps.

Gwyn makes a whining sound of defeat and drops her head into her hands. After a long moment, she speaks. “He asked if we could go to dinner together. Like, right to my face. And I panicked and said yes, because I couldn’t think of a reason to say no, but obviously I can’t do that. So this morning I cashed in my sick days and told him I was going on vacation for a whole week.” Gwyn looks up at Nesta with pleading teal eyes. “Please can we stay here the whole week?”

Nesta stares at Gwyn, feeling like her brain was just sucked dry. “First of all, who’s ‘he’?”

“Max!” She stands in her outburst. “The love of my life. The man who works on the fourth floor of the library. Do you pay attention to the groupchat at all?”

Oh yeah, that guy. “You came all the way here,” Nesta drawls out slowly, “so you wouldn’t have to have dinner with your crush?”

“It wasn’t just any dinner.” Gwyn flops back onto the couch. “It was a date. I can’t go on a date with him. First dates lead to second dates, and second dates lead to—sex.” She whispers the last word.

“Really?” Emerie frowns, not missing a beat at the mention of Gwyn’s deepest fear. “What kind of dates have you been having?”

“I haven’t been having any dates,” Gwyn says. “Why, how long do you usually see someone before doing it?”

“First date, at most,” Emerie shrugs.

“No,” Nesta steps in, sending Emerie a bewildered look. “Gwyn, you’ve known this guy for a while now. If he’s half as decent as you think he is, he won’t expect sex by the second date. And even if he does—”

“What does it matter?” Gwyn wails. “It’ll come up eventually. And when it does, he’ll think I’m a freak.”

“He won’t get a chance to think anything before I kill him,” Emerie says, eyes darkening.

Nesta says nothing, knowing this is something she can’t advise Gwyn about. Whether or not Gwyn chooses to share her past and unresolved trauma with another man, and whether or not that man reacts in an unshitty way isn’t something Nesta can determine. So she just states for the record, “You’re not a freak.”

“But it’s what he’ll think.”

“Then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place,” Nesta says firmly. Even though she knows better than anyone that it isn’t always that simple.

Proving her point, Gwyn scoffs and looks away. “You don’t get it.”

“What I really don’t get,” Nesta says, “is why you took your lie so literally. Why did you come all the way out here instead of hiding out at home for the week?”

“Merrill sees and knows everything. I can’t lie to her.” Gwyn cringes. “If I stayed at home, she would sniff me out as soon as she got me on the phone, and then I’d really be screwed.”

Nesta cocks her head at Gwyn, squinting her eyes in something akin to fascination.

“I had the same reaction,” Emerie pipes up. She shakes her head at Gwyn. “I’ve never met a more melodramatic idiot, truly.”

Gwyn curls into herself on the couch, looking ashamed.

Nesta sighs sharply, then whips out a hand. “Give me your wallets. I’ll go downstairs right now and see if I can book a room last minute.”

Emerie sits up at that. “Uh… I’m not sure I can afford a place like this.”

“Neither can I,” Nesta says. “That’s why Azriel paid for all of us.”

Gwyn’s eyes go comically round. “Azriel’s here?”

“Unfortunately.” She snaps her fingers at both girls. “Credit or debit, now.”

“So… I’m assuming we can’t just share this huge suite with you guys, huh?” Gwyn says hesitantly.

There might be actual flames in Nesta’s eyes. This is Cassian’s birthday, goddammit. Cassian, who hasn’t celebrated a birthday since he was eleven. “Please don’t push me.”

Gwyn and Emerie, very reluctantly, hand their cards over to Nesta. Emerie hands over two, just in case.

In the end, Nesta doesn’t use any of their money, but charges the new room to her own account. She’ll work it off by putting extra hours into Night Court, she tells herself.

When she returns to the penthouse suite, she spies tracks outlined in melted snow at the doorway. Shit. She barges inside to find Cassian and Azriel standing in the middle of the living area, with Emerie looking awkward on the couch.

“Uh, we just got back—” Cassian starts.

“I can explain,” Nesta interrupts.

A faucet turns off in the distance, and Gwyn peeks her head out of the bathroom door.

“Oh, shit,” Azriel says in delight. “Freckles is here too?”

Gwyn looks like she’s about to turn right back around to the bathroom. Nesta and Cassian both throw Az a baffled look, but Nesta says, “I can fix this. I’ve already fixed it.” She goes over to Emerie and hands her a key card. “You and Gwyn are going to stay on the first floor, and you won’t bother me or Cassian for the duration of our stay. It’ll be like you’re not even here.” She whips toward Gwyn, who still hovers near the bathroom doorway. “And at the end of this weekend, you’re going back to work like the adult you are and taking care of your shit.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Gwyn says quietly, lowering her head.

Cassian comes over to Nesta, whispering, “So, you didn’t invite them to keep Az company or anything, right?”

“I can hear you,” Azriel says.

“Of course not,” Nesta whispers back. “That’s a terrible idea.”

“Really? Because I thought it was kind of convenient—”

“I can still hear you,” Az repeats.

“So can I,” Emerie nods.

“Shut up,” Nesta hisses at the both of them. Grabbing Cassian’s still-gloved hand, she drags him upstairs and away to their bedroom. When the door shuts behind them, she turns to him and blurts, “I’m so sorry.”

Cassian only laughs, taking his ski jacket off and brushing away the wet snow from the back. “I’m not.” He tosses his jacket and gloves over a chair and approaches Nesta, tugging her closer by her oversized turtleneck. “And what did I tell you about wasting your apologies?”

Nesta doesn’t care. “I ruined your birthday.”

“My birthday’s not until tomorrow,” he says with a straight face. “But honestly, I like this a lot more than just you, me, and Az. At least he can’t third wheel anymore, right?”

She shakes her head insistently, frustration boiling in her blood. “Everything’s going wrong.”

“But you solved our problems.” He finds Nesta’s clenched fists and unfurls them with gentle hands. “You got the girls their own room, and now Az can be distracted with those two. We can still be alone. We win.”

Nesta purses her lips, unconvinced, when Cassian adds, “But seriously, though—what the fuck are they doing here?”

She exhales deeply, letting her head drop forward onto Cassian’s chest. “I don’t know,” she mutters. “Gwyn panicked about some personal stuff and thought it was a good idea to come to me. I don’t want to make her leave, though.” Gwyn is being stupid right now, without a doubt, but Nesta won’t abandon her. Neither will Emerie.

God, having friends sucks.

Cassian threads a hand through her loose hair and hums. “Gwyn was smart for coming to you.”

***

Dinner is held outside in the snow and cold, but everyone bundles up and sits down at a table that surrounds one of the multiple fire pits in the courtyard. Cassian convinced Nesta to let Gwyn and Emerie hang out with them for the weekend, because what else are those poor girls supposed to do, and now the women babble over each other as they decide what to drink.

Cassian sits back and takes it in, the sight feeling heartwarmingly familiar and strangely brand new at the same time. Nesta ends up being the one to order everybody’s drinks, and once the waiter scampers back inside, Gwyn releases a terse breath. “Sometimes I still get scared of that tone.”

“I’m always scared of it,” Az mutters, eyeing Nesta from the corner of his eye.

“What tone?” Cassian laughs. He knows Nesta is still a little wound up from her plans going off the rails, but she hasn’t done anything scary.

“I’m used to it,” Emerie says through a mouthful of fries, “but I think that waiter almost cried.”

“That’s how I sound all the time.” Nesta shrugs, sitting back.

“What tone?” Cassian repeats.

Nesta clicks her tongue impatiently. “You know how I talk. I’m straightforward.”

“And harsh,” Azriel adds. “Even aggressive.”

“Watch it.” Gwyn turns stern eyes onto him over the fire pit.

“I have no idea what you all are talking about,” Cassian says. He turns to Nesta. “You sound perfectly normal to me.”

She narrows her perfect brows at him, and Emerie laughs, “I don’t know if that’s romantic or ignorant.”

But now that they’re discussing it, Cassian does distinctly remember Nesta having a sharp edge to her words while they were getting to know each other. Did it disappear over time, or has he really stopped noticing it?

He doesn’t get to think about it before their drinks arrive, followed soon by a dinner of fancy sandwiches.

Cassian cuts his beef sandwich in half and gives the other half to Nesta, and she does the same with her turkey sandwich. They eat and drink around the crackling fire, laughing and talking about tomorrow’s plans (“It’s not your birthday, Azriel,” Nesta says. “Stop asking about gifts.”). Cassian and Emerie talk idly about video games over wine, and even though it isn’t really his thing, he can see her excitement over it and gladly indulges it.

Once everyone is finished eating and is slightly drunk, Gwyn pulls a small sleeve of crackers out of her puffy jacket, followed by a fun-sized Hershey’s bar and a handful of mini marshmallows.

“What are you doing?” Nesta says.

“Making dessert.” Gwyn builds a mini s’more and places it carefully on her fork so she can toast it over the fire pit. When it’s done, she leans forward even more to try to put it on Nesta’s plate. “For you. Thank you for letting me and Emerie stay.”

Nesta jumps, catching the s’more with her plate and batting Gwyn away from the fire pit at the same time. “You’ll set your hair on fire,” she hisses.

Gwyn’s hair remains safe, but now Cassian catches his brother watching Gwyn amusedly from the corner of his eye. “Can I have one?” Az says.

“I’m all out.” Gwyn says while building another s’more, refusing to meet his eyes.

Cassian and Nesta share a look, a hundred words thrown back and forth between them in that glance. She scoots her chair closer to him to slip her cold hands into his warm ones, but while the conversation carries on around the table, she leans in and whispers, “I’m not a busybody but…”

“I am,” he whispers back. “Az is being weird, weirder than usual.”

Nesta nods. “I’ve never seen him so—outgoing.”

Neither has Cassian, but before he can mention anything else, he looks up to find that Gwyn and Azriel’s seats at the table are empty. “How much did those two drink?” he breathes.

Nesta follows his gaze, seeing what he’s seeing: Azriel and Gwyn wandering clumsily around the snowy courtyard. Or rather, Az is trying to chase Gwyn down for a s’more, while she clutches her mini marshmallows to her chest and vehemently yells, “They’re mine!”

Meanwhile, Emerie is half asleep at the table.

Cassian watches as Gwyn nears the towering fir tree at the center of the courtyard and slips. Az shoots out a hand to catch her, but not before her ass hits the stone, hard. He pulls her back up, no longer fooling around, and Gwyn rubs her butt in pain.

Cassian suddenly feels Nesta squeezing the life out of his hands, and he looks over to find fury written across her face. For a heartbeat, he feels worried for Az.

“Go deal with him,” Nesta says lowly. “Before I do.”

Not needing any more words to understand, he stands out of his seat and heads out into the courtyard. He doesn’t know why Nesta thinks Gwyn needs protecting, but it makes him feel protective himself. Approaching the duo, he sees that Azriel finally acquired the leftover s’more ingredients from Gwyn.

“There’s only like half a cracker left,” Az mutters to himself, shaking the baggie.

“Is he bothering you?” Cassian asks Gwyn, who still looks grumpy over losing their skirmish.

Whipping her head to Cassian like he’s her savior, Gwyn nods furiously. “Please make him stop.”

Cassian turns to Azriel with rage in his eyes, a clear What the fuck do you think you’re doing?

But Az shakes his head in denial. “It’s not like that. Look, she’s smirking at me!” He points over Cassian’s shoulder.

When Cassian looks, Gwyn is already walking back to the fire pit, holding her bruised ass.

Az starts, “What a fake little—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Cassian interrupts. “Yesterday you’re crying over Elain and today you’re flirting with Nesta’s friend?”

Azriel goes serious, his face turning colder than the night air. “How do you know about Elain?” he says gruffly.

“Everyone knows, Azriel.” Cassian stares down his brother, wondering if he’ll finally get him to get his head screwed on straight after these past weeks of secretive bullshit.

Azriel sets his jaw, but a muscle there ticks.

“Will you finally at least tell me what’s going on in your head?” Cassian pleads. “Because I can’t keep guessing.”

Azriel glances toward the dinner table, as if checking to see that no one is paying attention to them. Looking back, he inhales a breath. “You want to know why I left Velaris?”

Like Nesta, Azriel is not one to quickly make himself vulnerable. So there’s no blatant emotion in his voice when he says, “I started seeing her at the end of summer, not long after she broke up with her ex. And it was so…nice after every other relationship I’ve been in has gone wrong. We kept it quiet, and because of that, it was peaceful.” Azriel’s eyes meet Cassian’s twin ones, and he smirks without humor. “But you already know what that’s like, don’t you?”

He does. Cassian crosses his arms, waiting for Az to continue.

“Anyway, we had a good run. For a long time, it was mostly just sex, but I liked her. I liked her a lot.” Az kicks at the snow-dusted cobblestones. “Then Christmas came around, and Rhys found out.” His face darkens as he remembers, and Cassian stiffens, knowing what’s next isn’t good. Sometimes Rhys forgets the boundary between boss and brother.

“He didn’t say anything about it to Elain, of course,” Azriel says. “But he dragged my ass aside and gave me this huge lecture about us using each other as rebounds. Said ‘Feyre’s sister’ deserves better or some shit. I told him there was more to it than that, but he wouldn’t listen. Instead he brought Vanserra & Co. into it, like his business matters had anything to do with me and Elain.” Azriel’s eyes crinkle at the corners in a puzzled way. “So I got to thinking, ‘why would he bring the Vanserras up?’ He made it seem like such a big deal.” The toe of his boot digs a hole into the ground.

Sympathy churns alongside anger in Cassian’s chest for Azriel’s situation, anger at Rhysand for crossing that line between brothers. He’s only momentarily grateful that Rhys never tried doing something similar to him and Nesta.

“I thought she was over that other guy, Lucien,” Az continues. “But maybe she’s not, if Rhys is so concerned about what Lucien’s stepfather thinks. Anyway, that’s why I ran. Because I knew she liked me, but I also knew she didn’t love me. I didn’t want us to cause all that trouble with Rhys just to end up backed into a corner one day, having nowhere else to go because she loves someone else and I’m just a rebound. It would be awkward for everyone involved.” He scratches the back of his neck. “It’s mostly my fault, for always chasing after women I can’t have.” He finally looks up at Cassian. “When you talk to Elain, does it sound like she hates me?” The question is quiet, straightforward.

“No,” Cassian answers, voice rough. Even if Azriel wants to hide his feelings, Cassian won’t. “She doesn’t seem like she hates you. I don’t even think she’s mad at you.” Concerned, anxious, upset—that’s Elain as far as he knows.

“She should hate me,” Azriel says. “She should get pissed, burn my old clothes, and swear to never talk to me again. That’s the only way she can move on.” Maybe even move back to Lucien, is what goes unsaid.

Cassian isn’t so sure about that. Even as he feels for Az, he thinks both of his brothers should get slapped upside the head for how they’ve been acting lately. He won’t be the one to do it, but he might get Nesta to relay a message to Elain. It’ll be the same thing. “I’m sorry,” he tells Az instead. “I know I’ve been hard on you lately. When we get home, I’ll start doing better.” He claps Az on the shoulder and squeezes.

Azriel surprises him by scoffing, looking away in disbelief. “Wow, being compassionate is really a full time job for you, huh?” He claps Cassian’s shoulder back, pulling him into a sudden hug. “You’ve already done more than enough,” he says into Cassian’s ear. “Go to your girlfriend and take a rest.”

Taken aback, Cassian nods and pulls away. He’s about to turn around and leave when Az says, “By the way, I wasn’t flirting with Gwyn.”

Cassian raises a brow. “You were definitely doing something.”

Az rolls his eyes. “I’m not giving her anything she can’t handle. But in case you haven’t noticed, I have no interest in other women right now.” He makes a face. “Especially not her.”

Cassian chuckles. “I believe you. It’s Nesta you need to worry about.”

“Whatever. I’m not scared of her.”

That makes Cassian laugh even harder, but he turns around, ready to go back to said girlfriend. As he nears the fire pit, though, he finds that Gwyn is already there and cuddled up to Nesta. On Nesta’s other side, Emerie now sits in Cassian’s chair, asleep on her friend’s shoulder. He stops in his tracks.

Cassian wasn’t lying when he told Nesta that he was happy about their changed vacation plans—he believes the more the merrier, and he loves these people. Yet he can’t help but wish the two of them could be alone for just one day. Only one.

God, sometimes having friends sucks.

***

a/n: this is a two parter so next chapter we’ll finally be getting more nessian alone time

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