#REST OF TODAY I AM FREEE

[ladye-zelda]

I AM FREEEEEEEEE

[just-your-casual-nerd]

helooh dear, i have done my last exam today!!! i’m freee, i think it went well, i’m glad you are okay, i hope that mars will feel better soon, we all have told to her that she have to take some rest and take care of herself, really, she can’t force herself to do something when she’s not feeling well! the fic can wait, we can wait, we will wait for her, her health is more important, i hope she will feel better soon<3. yessss let’s goo!! i have bought resident evil today as a gift fo myself for my graduation!!!! i can’t wait to play it! yesss we can nerd out together!!! hehehe :)) have a wonderful day! <3

-🐉

Woo hoo!!! You're finally freeee!! I'm so happy for you 🐉!!!! Thank you for the support for Mars, it means more Mars than you know. She deserves all the love and support atm, and you, as well as others, are helping her. Don't tell her this, but she can be a bit stubborn at times, even if she won't admit it. 😉 But I am happy that she is getting the support and reassurance she needs while she goes through this difficult time. I think it is important for her to take a break and focus on herself. Ooooo, what resident evil did you buy!? I think it's a great idea to treat yourself for graduating!! I'm so proud of you 🐉!!!! Have a wonderful dear, and I am so happy for you!!!!

[whatohitsonfirewelp]

WARNING: long post because I decided to rant about stuff today I’m pretty sure it’s fine like nothing bad except for the fact that I curse. So just ignore this. I wrote this during class

Now they want to show students all the different classes and I’m just here like

I already submitted by form for classes for next year because I don’t fucking think about my choices until after I make them and I know there are students like me and the ones who have pare who aren’t involved enough to stop them from being impulsive.

And I’m just here like why didn’t you show thsi to me before registration started??? And then I’m half glad they didn’t because it would have made it so much harder and I probably would have cried so many times.

On the bright side I- I there’s no bright side. I don’t wanna do PE because that still sucks because I can’t freaking run but that means trying out for more sports next year and I’m just full on ranting right now so y’all can absolutely ignore this.

Please ignore this. No I didn’t watch the freaking bee movie it freak me out- oh here we go now you wanna do the whole film making class! But no no because I already signed up! But now it’s to late unless I just join a bunch of freaking sports!

I do not want to join sports.

There’s tryouts and talking and socializing and that’s scary.

How the hell am I supposed to do honors math next year? I learned nothing this year.

Oh here we go! Now there’s something about the German class and that’s the one I chose but then everyone said nooo change it to Spanish so I did that and now I’m just-

This is why I don’t like making choices alone. Because I don’t think and then I already make them and ask people after and then I’m just panicking.

You know what? I’ll learn it in college. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t actually know what I want to do in college.

Like maybe I wanna fucking cook or something. That thought sure lingers in my mind rent freee and gives me problems. So does the fact that maybe now I want to be a firefighter but that’s a whole other I’m gonna ignore right now.

Back to the sports thing now.

So I’m gonna try out for one like this year bUT it’s different for next year. It’s like- I can’t run for shit so why the hell would I do cross country or track and field? I can’t really swim- okay I can and I do junior lifeguards but stuff like forms? I can’t do that. My feet will not ducking cooperate- that’s how you spell that?- and I did do soccer when I was younger for like two years and then in I think fifth grade again. But I don’t know the rules or anything.

And I fucking refuse to do cheerleading. I did that sport for years and I hate it and both like it at times. At the end of the day I’m not a preforming because of trauma so cheer? Nope. Not for me. Plus I’ve seen our high school cheer team and it’s a fucking dissapointment. Like cheering has changed so much over the years and right now it’s mostly girls standing on boxes and yelling cheers and it’s the worst.

Like where are the stunts? The kicks and jumps? Where is that spirit? And while I don’t want to do cheerleading ever again my sisters still do it and my mom was a coach until stuff happened. Like I was one from kindergarten to around sixth grade take out a year or two.

I mean on one hand you don’t really need any experience before hand you just gotta show you follow the chants and arm movements quick and that you can scream without yelling. And some other stuff. It’s you present yourself when preforming as well. Like definitely not hard trust me your overthinking how hard it will be if you do wanna try out for cheer at your school. There’s also flexibility but honestly you can make it seem like you can do a high kick when you actually can’t. I just don’t like cheering that much problem do to some trauma and the fact that I hate the outfits. They itch and move high up and it’s just generally uncomfortable for me.

Well this post certainly took a turn. Right okay here’s another question I have. Or first one maybe? Anyways, so I’m not counting at sports are this year that got all screwy but next year if I wanna do the sport I’m trying out for now it’s a fall sport for girls. Will that still be happening in winter season? Or just call and then it’s done. Or does it depend on the sport? Because I don’t wanna take PE at all- oh fuck do I gotta do like that testing for it still? For PE even if I am in a sport? I can’t run a mile. I mean they are definitely better that The whole running from one side to another as the time spreads up with that fucking voice counting. But yeah I can’t run. I mean I can I guess but it’s certainly not something I enjoy unless it’s like tag or something. Like tag? I can run for fucking hours when I’m playing with my baby cousins and some other random kids that I end up watching at the park. And those little demons run fucking fast okay.

But me? Running a mile or something? Nope. Can’t do it. Like if I have to I will but I will not enjoy it and I’m this type of person who will turn down a ride on a car for the rest of the way because if I had to start this I will fucking finish it even though I’m embarrassed at how long it’s taking me and calling myself every name in the book in my head and that’s more information then I wanted to share.

Which is fine because all of you should be ignoring this.

I mean hey maybe if the sport does end in the fall I can do the water one in the winter. Like sure I definitely have trauma with swimming that I haven’t explained to anyone and there’s the fact that I enjoy swimming and don’t want it to be ruin because I’m worried that I’m not good enough.

Honestly I’d probably he okay with trying out for sports except when I was like nine or younger I said I wanted to do tennis to my day and I got told no because it has running and I’m basically not fit for that and oh boy did that ruin whatever self esteem I had left by then. I was genuinely interested and excited to do it. Now? Now it’s all about running more and doing this and doing that and jeez I wonder why I don’t want to.

Well this got depressing fast. ANYWAYS. Uh. Huh. Okay I don’t think I have anything more to say- no nope that’s a lie apparently I do. Does me maybe doing a sport next year give me a free period for a bit? Now I’m just fucking confused. Alright okay I’m done I finished whatever this even was because I could not stay on one topic for long and this is why I don’t actually talk. Well that and the whole stuttering thing.

Wait back to the cheer team. If y’all are cheerleaders and disagree with whatever I said then hey maybe your school actually understands cheer. And for tryouts? Maybe it’s different for your school but from what I’ve gathered it’s not all that hard and maybe gangs just because I was a cheerleader for years so y’all might think differently.

But cheerleaders who do stunts are badass don’t any of you forget that. I can literally feel another girls shoe digging into my thigh as I type this. Okay now I’m done.

[ourworldofwderlust]

Inle Lake 14. 11 - 16.11.17

Soo, t Busfahrt isch super gsi, abgseh, dass arschchalt gsi isch und ich ein Decki über de Kopf gha han und eini um min Körper. De oli de Schwitzichopf het super chönne schaffe und denn pfüsele.  1,5h bevor mr ahcho wäred, isch en Dame eus go wecke cho, mir müssed Bus wechsle. Völlig verwirrt hani de Oli versuecht wach z bringe. Gschafft! Schnell, usseghüpft und Bus gwechslet. Nurna 1,5h fahre. “INLE LAKE”, rüefet 2-3 Ahgstellti. Eusi siebe Sache packet und ussegange. De Taxifahrer het scho uf eus gwartet. d Temperature sind da recht niedriger. Vill chälter.  De Taxifahrer het nöt es typischs auto gfahre, sondern ufemne Töffli ghocket und mir dihine uf so Bänk. Han leider keis Foti chönne mache, wills stockdunkel gsi isch. Öbe 10 Minute simmer gfahre und denn im wunderschöne Hotel ahcho. En nette Herr mit praktisch kei Englischkenntnis het eus in Empfang gna und na 2 Hünd. Eine isch ganz wuschelig gsi. Eusi Päss händs beschlagnahmt und gseit sie zeiget eus ezt s Zimmer und de Rest vom Check in chömer nacher mache, wenn mr usgschlafe sind. Sin Vorschlag hemer ahgna und nachdem er eus s Zimmer zeigt het, hemer t Liechter usgschalte und bis am 1 Pfüüselet.  Nachdem simmer at Recpetion und hend eus chli berate la, was mr da so chan mache. Für morn hend mr denn en Bootstour buechet gha und hüt hend mr eifach beschlosse end easyday zmache; esse, massage, pfüsele. Mir händ es super Resti gfunde gha, LIVE DUMPLINGS. Da mir beidi Dumplingslovers sind, simmer döt ie gloffe und händ scho fantasiert, was für feini Gricht es alles wird ha.. Döte ahcho sind all die schöne Bildli im eusne Köpfli zerschmetteret worde, wo die Dame gseit het; OPEN TWO OCLOCK.  Mir sind soo am verhungere gsi! Und s isch so heiss gsi. Denn hemer eus zerst es Sitzplätzli gsuechet gha demit mr überleget, was mr als nechsts chönt mache. Nach 15 Minute chunnt die Dame wieder usse und seit; NOW OKE, OPEN. Vilicht het sie Mitleid mit eus gha oder susch Lust gha früähner ufzmache.. who cares. Hauptsach s git esse!! :-D Sovill feini Sache hemmer bstellt. Es asiatischs Meze! Und zum Dessert fritierti Banane mit Vanille Ice Cream und Fritierts Vanille Glace. En Traum!  Nachdem himmlische Esse hend mr eus uf de Weg gmacht zum Massagesalons abzchecke. Mir händ denn eis gfunde, wo eus s Hotel sowieso empfohle gha hät; AQUA LILY. Super fründlichi Lüt! De Termin hend mr ursprünglich uf die 8ti gsetzt gha, will mr na vorgha hend irgendwo de Sunset go ahzluege. Zrug is Zimmer sind mr gschlenderet und hends na chli döte chillt.. S Wetter isch nöt de hammer gsi drum hemmer beschlosse eifach jetzt scho t Massage go mache. Oli het sich 90 Minute massiere la und ich en Stund defür nacher na en schöni Pedicure! Isch au Zyt gsi!! Nach dem Super Erlebnis het de Oli hunger becho und mir isch chli schlecht gsi und han uf nüt Apetit gha. Er defür umso me und drum hets en feini Pizza als Takeaway ge. Im Zimmer ahcho, hani mich Bett parat gmacht und han welle go pfuse, will mich Kopfweh, Buchweh und Übelkeit plaget händ. De Oli het chli ah sim Video gschaffet. (Hoffe hends bis ezt all gseh! und susch verstahnis nöt :P) OH ja, öbis witzigs isch na passiert. T WC Schüssle isch verstopft gsi, japs, s spüehle isch für t Katz gsi. Nüüt isch me gange. Und nei, s het nöt demit ztue, dass mir zviel eusi Gschäfter verrichtet hend ih dem WC, sondern , dass mr s WC Papier nöt zu oft dörf inerüehre. hahah. Alles hemmer probiert; Spüehle, warte, mit somne chline Wasserschlüchli na me Wasser iepumpt.. Nüt! S Wasser isch immer na meh gstiege. Oh yeah! Voll peinlich. Ezt mümer de Reception ahlüte und sege, dass eusi WC Schüssle verstopft isch. Nat��rlich han ich das müsse mache.  5 Minute isch gange und en Herr mitere grosse Schufle und emne Güselsack isch ih eusem Zimmer gstande. De armi!! Nei, das het eus so leid da für ihn. Ich glaube mir hettet das nöt chönne. De het au sicher denkt mir sind nöt ganz putzt, wo mir abwechsligwiis tusig mal “thank you”,  “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”, “thank you”. Grüeft händ. Wie zwei Hündli, wuff, wuff. Ebe zrug zu mim Misserfolg was s Schlafe ahgaht.   Die ganz Nacht bini me im Bad gsi als im Schlafzimmer, drum hani beschlosse Decki und Chüssi znä und grad döte “zschlafe”. S schlafe het,us die ganz Nacht youtube Filmli luege, bestande. hiphip hurrah!!  Während de Oli schön pfuset het. Ja, hanen nanie so beniedet!  Aber er het sich liebevoll um mich kümmeret. So glücklich sonen wunderbare Ma ah minre Site zha, woni das grosse Abentür dörf erlebe. Endlich isch es siebni gsi und de oli isch au wach worde. Ganz irritiert luegt er ufs Bett übere: KEI DEBBY. Ussegluegt het er anschienend.. Ja, ich han ihn au gfragt, wieso er zerst usse gaht go luege und nöt zerst is Bad. Wie,dass es normaler wär, wenn mr am 7 am morge ussegaht anstatt is Bad. Haha. Anyway, schüch hebt er denn sin Chopf dur t Badzimmertür.. Debby?  Ja, debby isch da, am Bode, zerstört haha. Nei, s isch mr echt übel gange. T Putzfrau isch am morge ie cho und het alles suber gmacht sogar t Bettwösch gwechslet, wo sie gmerkt het, dass es mir schlecht gaht, het sie de oli gfragt; she sick? und er ja. und innerhalb vo 10min sind öe 5 Lüt ih mim Zimmer gstande. Besser versorgt als ih de Schwiz bini gsi. Sorry Papi, sorry Nonna. Hahaha. Normalerwiis ischs nöt so geil chrank zsi ih de Ferie, aber da.. aso da.. isch es hammer haha. En Tee hend mr en Dame immer gmacht.. Falls er mal Buchweh hend; Grüentee mit 3 Löffel Zucker! Hammer!  Sogar de Manager isch vor de Tür gstande und het gseit, falls mr Medis oder en Arzt bruchet, eifach sege. Und denn sind susch na 2 döte gstande. Bü,, weiss au nöt wieso. Aber heyy! Han mich so ufghobe gfühlt. De hammer!  De arm Oli het dank mir au nöt vill chönne erlebe, da mir t Bootstour au händ müsse absege. Guet, mr muen sege, s het voll gregnet. S Wätter isch uf eusre Site gsi. Danke Wätterfee! Er isch sich denn öbis go esse zhole und na Snacks für mich und ROSENE! Zuckersüess isch er!! De Tag chamer eich mitm Bruno Mars sim Lied “the lazy day” beschriebe: “today i don’t feel like doing anything..* düürdüüdüd. Sorry, mir händ kei Bilder. Ah mol eis hani.  Guet Nacht. und ah alli wo au chrank sind, hoffe eu gahts besser.  Am 16.11 simmer früäh ufgstande, will euse Flug am Morge gange isch. Chli zmörgelet, ich han nanig sovill möge defür het de oli umso meh gesse. Bim Zmorgeesse sind mit etlichii Lüt go frage cho; “are you feeling better?” uu herzig, aber s isch chli unagnehm gsi fascht so wie wenn mr ih de Schuel vor allen Happy Birthday vorgsunge bechunnt. Roti Bäggli und schwitzigi Händ ahoi!! Taxi het scho uf eus gwartet. 1Stund ischs bis zum Flughafe gange. Und ufm Weg hend mr na en Heissluftballon gseh! uuuund er isch grad bi de Strass zuene glandet! Was für es Spektakel! Wooow.  Euse Taxifahrer het sich chum chönne erhole. Immer zu eus gluegt und uf de Ballon zeigt und glichzitig au na gfilmet.  Am Flughafe ahcho,het irgenden eltere Ma eusi Köffere gna und eus zu de Airline begleitet.. was öbe 100 Meter gsi sind haha. Mr chan sich de Flughafe vo Inle Lake öbe wienen Workshop vorstelle; jedi Fluggsellschaft het en wiiinzig chline Stand und anstatt Broschüre und gratis Stift ussezgä, gebets Flugticket usse haha.  Guet, ihcheckt uf myanmaresischi Art simmer. Köffere dur en Sicherheitscheck gla und abge, dur t Immigration, und namal dur Sicherheitskontrolle.  Yep, das ischs gsi. S isch öbe 5 Min gange haha. Und denn hend mr eus en Stuehl gschnappet und hend im Wartebereich, was mr au als Bazar beschriebe chan, gwartet.  S isch ein grosse Platz mit Plastikstüehl. Ab und zue rüeft eine en Flugnummere uf, wo mr nöt verstaht, will s Mikro kabutt isch. Jedesmal wenns grüäft händ, bini führe go frage haha. 10 Minute bevor mr abgfloge sind, isch Boarding gsi.  Bis zum Flugzüg hemer dörfe laufe. Winziig isch das gsi. uf eusne Boardingkarte isch t nummere 17 gstande, denn hani denkt das sind eusi Plätz. Woni im Flugi dine gsi bin und scho öber ih dere Reihe ghockt isch und ich voll verwirrt dir glueget han, seget öbe drü Lüt glichzitig “FREEE SEATING”. oke, oke. Min verwirrte Blick hani also druf. haha. here we goo. 1h ih de Luft. Schnell ue und denn wieder abe.  

Welcome to Ngapali Beach.  Mr merkt scho, dass mr anre Badeferiedestination sind; Schwiiiizer, schwizer überall. Und natürli t Franzose. Die sind immer debbie! hahaha. und t Prise sind au recht höcher. Taxi isch organisiert. Ab is Hotel. Wow, wow, wow! Welcomedrink und denn is Zimmer gfüährt worde. HImmelbett, schöni Terrasse mit Dschungelsicht und gad bim Strand zuene. Mir glückliche. Das isch euses Dihei für die nechste 4 Nächt. Am Namitag simmer chli am Strand gsi und am Abig simmer is Hotelresti go esse, will ich angst gha han, dass mis Mage für de Streetfood nanig abghertet isch. Feini Spaghetti hets gha. Uere chlini Portion.. :-( Aber defür lecker! Und sie sind au im Büchli bliebe. Freudestanz! und ab go schlafe sind mr.  Schnarch, schnarch.

Küssli, debby und oli

[rosaofswords]

A Journaling Sample

Disclaimer: everyone journals differently, everyone interprets the cards differently. This is just how I used my journal to write about how I see the cards today. (Ask me tomorrow and I might see something different, I’m not even consistent unto myself.) 

I wanted to share this particular entry because it really highlighted some of the choices and changes I made for myself that I discussed in the post I put up earlier this week:

1. You can see in the photo above the new highlighter system with a colored band up at the top of the entry. Gosh that just looks way more satisfying that what I was doing before AND let me write magin-less, which was great and let me focus on the writing itself.

2. This is my entire tarot practice for today. Because I am not doing multiple readings for myself, I was really able to dive into it and think about how it connects to things in my life. I am also working with a deck that is really accessible to me because I know I am really low on energy/spoons at this time and I am not doing tarot study at this time. (Tune in next month for some serious tarot study, energy permitting.) 

So without further ado, here’s a transcription (with slight edits for clarification) of the entry:

Mentor Reading - Six of Stars - Mountain Dream Tarot

When I shared my mentor card this week with my patreon discord, my friend ( @nicstoirm ) pointed out the thoughtful, almost worried look on the giver’s face. I had noted it in my own journaling earlier* but they read something interesting into it that I had not: "can I help this person or am I expended too much already" I feel like this sentiment is particularly evident today and I am so grateful that they brought it to my attention. 

Two of Wands - Ten of Wands

The contrast between these cards is overwhelmingly obvious. The posture is similar, as is the framing. 

In the Two a man stands before a low brick wall and two sticks in the ground framing the ocean view on the right side of the card. One hand holds an orb - traditionally a globe, but I like to think of it as a crystal ball - which holds his attention, his other hand hangs empty, casually resting at his side. 

The hooded figure in the tend stands by a higher wall. Where there might have been two sticks, there is now a think support column for the structure’s ceiling. Even the trees outside the structure feel like a wall. The figure uses both arms to carry ten wands/sticks. 

I am thinking about the talk on productivity and positivity I took notes on last night. (It was a workshop hosted by bullet journal bloggers Little Coffee Fox and Boho Berry. Yes, I am in that deep with the bullet journal craze, shhhh.) The biggest takeaway for me was the idea that procrastination is not laziness, it’s a place of anxiety and fear. Situation avoidance is part of the flight response, but in avoidance those tasks, duties, and obligations stack up on us and box us in like this Ten of Wands. When you are procrastinating you are not resting, you are not taking care of yourself. You can no longer see the sea from an open roof top or hold new visions for your future in your hands. 

Obviously, I have a fairly passionate response to these cards: this is where I am at. The significance of the repeat model in the Two of Wands and the Six of Stars is not lost on me either: Do I have the energy to take on more and still be able to breathe freee? Will new obligations box me in? I need to be careful where I invest my energy right now so I can be back at the place of the Two of Wands with my hands free and able. 

The Two of Wands has come up a lot this summer, which makes sense overall. I am opening up to new possibilities and trying to reach that place of open view again. It’s more of a goal than a place I am really in. Figuring out how to downsize the physical and emotional clutter in my life is a daunting but extremely worthwhile enterprise.  

*If anyone was curious, I read into it a carefulness in direction to their task and concern for the person who is receiving. “Will it be enough?” It redirects the story of worthiness and charity, which I like and think about a lot. A few previous entries this week definitely fell in line with that meaning as well. 

[perfectionistincrisis]

🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄

This went straight to my heart!!!!!!! I really dont know whether to agree or disagree to this. One thing ik is that it will be very very hard for me to do either one as i am attracted so much to both of these lives I as a person am really really scared of commitments. I totally dont prefer them at all. I feel like it pulls me down, it limits my boundaries so much. When i say commitment, i mean any type of commitment. Not just a relationship. Infact, when it comes to relationship. Well, i dont start a lot of relations to begin with all because of the commitment. The expectations. But when i am involved in a relation i sure as hell am committed ofcourse. So whenever i think of commitment in life or use this word, it mostly means every single form of commitment. Like joining a club or taking a job or responsibility or offering some sort of help or anything to anyone for which i need to be regular or have a duty towards. Or some commitment like having to stay somewhere for some time or not being able to leave a place or leave a thing because i have a responsibility or have to take care of it or make sure of something. Any commitment!!!!!! So yeah. Most of the times. I want to be so freee. So unattached. I want to be so relieved in life. That if i ever get a phone call that i have to be on the other side of the world asap and i have to get on the plane in 30 minutes. I dont want to panick. I want to be able to get a bag. I want to know exactly what i might need to take. And i want those things to be really few. I donot want to have a hard time deciding. I do not want to feel bad leaving something behind. I do not eant to have something that will keep me worried once i go. I want to be able to catch that plane in time. And when i get to the other end, i want to be able to breath peacefully. Not feeling burdened. Not worried. Not scared. Not sad.

I really have ZERO idea how any other person will digest all that i have just written ^ But man! To me. All that seems impossible. Thats like a dream which idk can ever come true. Infact, i dont even know if i really really want it. And i dont even spend much time now coming to a conclusion of whether i actually want it or how much do i want it. That is cause somewhete at the back of my head i believe this can never happen. I mean i can actually “feel” the pain of going through the opposite of all that i mentioned above and i can actually imagine the relief, the goodness, the joy of all that ever being possible.

Long story short. Its more like i have fantasized about the idea of being able to do that so much and so many times!!!! But then immediately i feel uncomfortable thinking about how i still want a “home”. A place in this huge wide world. A small cozy place anywhere on the surface of this planet which will always be the same. Which will always be open ti me. Nowhere where i go. I can always come back there. Some place that will always come to my head when i go to bed at night. Maybe that is what you call ‘home’ and i want that too. Then again, the concept of 'home’ does not end there. Sometimes it is not the place. But the person that makes your home. Infact, having a 'house’ like a brick house but being on your own in it isnt really home but at the same time. Having a person. Your person. With you, right by your side but not having a brick house - well that does not feel totally 'home’ to me either. What im trying to say is. Idk about the rest of the world. But for me A perfect definition of home includes BOTH. the humans who mean the world to you enclosed in a brick walled house where your heart belongs. It cant just be either one.

So yeah. Maybe i want to live both the lives. Maybe you you can!!!! Maybe you can move across the world and feel as free as a bird. You can fly around, but at the end of the day, I think you can be blessed enough to fly back to a place where your heart belongs right next to someone who is your world ❤ I have been fantasizing about this for months and months now and then today I suddenly read this post and this just hit me right in my heart!