#Pryce and Jacobi? I mean… let me put it to you like this

[nobodysdaydreams]

Your take on the si-5 is great. Kepcobi somewhat makes me cringe, as popular as it is. Its an abusive relationship whichever way you slice it

Anon, thank you for the compliment. I'm glad my SI-5 post has hit home for so many people.

Kepcobi as a ship was not the focus of that post (it was more about the SI-5's dynamic in general), but as for your thoughts on Kepcobi being abusive, I 100% agree that it is. Disclaimer: I know a lot of people who follow me ship Kepcobi, and that's okay. I personally do not ship characters that often, it's just not really my thing, but you can ship whatever you want, as long as we're talking about two consenting adults and not glorifying or romanticizing toxic and abusive elements and calling them out for what they are, it's your life. Ship what you want, have fun. It’s not like I or anyone else can stop you.

But with that said, while I'm hyperfixating and dropping hot takes and long character analysis ramblings, this does bring up another one of my very controversial Wolf359 opinions, which is that, in fairness to the SI-5, most of the most popular ships in Wolf359 and the ones with the most canon evidence are either set up for tragedy, incredibly toxic and abusive (most of them fall into this category tbh), or out of character and most of these hold true regardless of whether you look at the relationship platonically or romantically.

Again, ship what you want, do not let me stop you, and this opinion doesn't mean I don't see the appeal of these ships and why people ship them (that I understand), but I still stand by this statement, love in depth character analysis, and would be happy to explain it.

Let me break this down.

Arguably the healthiest and most popular ship in Wolf359 is Doug and Hera, but even that one is still doomed to tragedy from the very beginning whether you look at them platonically or romantically. Even before Doug loses his memories, Hera has a whole monologue where she contemplates what it will be like for her when Doug "goes away forever" because she is an AI could theoretically live until the end of the universe, and he is a human with a very unhealthy lifestyle of cigarettes, alcohol, junk food, poor hygiene and little exercise. He has magic alien blood in him now, but even that would probably only extend his lifespan so much. Also, any relationship involving Hera risks a power dynamic issue by design (because she's an AI whose free will can be taken away through coding at any time, and she was designed literally to serve the crew). However, I believe this affects Hera's relationship with Doug noticeably and significantly less than the other characters, particularly because we see Doug depend on Hera just as much as she depends on him, though in different ways. However, Hera still expresses her frustration that Doug doesn't realize she can always hear him and that he can't understand or experience everything she does and that he initially called her "robot girl" and didn't realize he was being insensitive (though to be fair, Doug accidentally said insensitive things to everyone). They do work through these barriers over the course of the podcast and it's not necessarily Doug or Hera's fault some of these miscommunications and issues exist, it's circumstance. I do really appreciate that Doug relies on Hera as much as she relies on him due to his executive functioning difficulties. I will say as someone with ADHD who often has friends and partners with more anxious and aware tendencies that balance me out really well, I related heavily to Doug Eiffel and do see why he and Hera have such a close relationship. Their friendship is wonderful, I see the appeal of the ship, and I love these characters so much they are my favorites, and I desperately wish that they could have had better things. They deserved so much better. But their relationship is, unfortunately, no matter how you chose to look at it (platonic or romantic) very tragic from the start due to the circumstances that make their relationship complicated and doomed to end up with Hera alone in the end whenever and however Doug and the rest of her friends “go away forever”. 💔 (and I do plan to write a fic about this because it makes me so sad. Poor Hera).

While we're talking about Hera, I'll also mention her and Maxwell. I’ve always believed that there is a difference between what I personally ship, and what we have canon evidence to prove. And while it took me a very long time to come around to the SI-5, I do think you could argue that we have some canon evidence that Hera might have had a crush (romantic or friend crush however you’d prefer to see it) based on the way she talked about Maxwell. Was this a mutual crush? Clearly not to same degree given Maxwell's betrayal, and therein lies the power dynamic issue I mentioned earlier, which is very applicable to Hera and Maxwell given Maxwell's coding skills. Hera likes Maxwell because she helped fix her and while Maxwell did so at great personal sacrifice and views the AI as people, she still has the coding skills to hurt and control them if she wants to (and she ultimately chooses to do so). Even though she apologizes for it and doesn't want to do it, she still does it, and it's pretty terrifying when you think about it. She forces Hera to tell her where her friends are and be subservient to her commands, very similar to what Pryce does with the restraining bolts. Part of what makes Hera's character so sad to me is that she's set up to be in abusive situations. She needs Maxwell, but Maxwell doesn't need her. She likes Maxwell because Maxwell views her as a person when so few people do, but even that is just the bare minimum. If Maxwell had the chance that Jacobi and Kepler did to change, maybe things could have been different, and I do really wish we could have seen a redeemed Maxwell develop a healthier friendship with Hera (and wrote a whole fic chapter where Hera reflects on that in the middle of my “a duckling imprints on Jacobi” fic), but unfortunately, we don’t get to see it.

And speaking of characters that are set up to be in abusive situations: Cutter and Pryce, and this again doesn’t matter if you see them as romantic or platonic. Look, I understand that just because two people are evil does not mean they are necessarily in an abusive relationship, you can be evil and still love your wife or husband or “weirdly devoted platonic coworker”. But even though I think Cutter and Pryce care about each other, I still think their relationship is abusive and we have canon evidence for it too. Disclaimer: I don't like Miranda Pryce, she was awful towards Hera and the other AI, she did unspeakable things, she's evil. She's a bad mean lady. But that doesn't mean she can't also be in an abusive relationship, and I believe she is in one whether you see it as romantic or not. You can be an abuser and a victim, those are not mutually exclusive. Even if you assume the whole "Pryce met Cutter as a child when he was an old man" thing was just a metaphor that didn't mean anything, there's still probably some sort of age gap between them even if they met when they were both adults. Putting that aside, there's still a huge power dynamic issue between the two of them. In the surface, they are in an alliance that benefits them both, but the benefits are not equal in the slightest. Their alliance allows Cutter to get a possibly infinite extension on his otherwise normal life span, have superpowers, get his revenge, and control the world. Their alliance allowed Pryce to live and see for the first time. She was disabled and going to die young, she was angry at the world and was originally motivated to build AI to be her friends to do whatever she wanted simply because no one else loved her or wanted to be her friend and she felt the only way to get that was to force people to love and obey her. Cutter was the only one giving her an option that allowed her to survive. That doesn't make it right, but it does make it understandable as does her frustration, bitterness, and hatred towards herself and humanity compared to Cutter's more positive silly attitude. But even once they're in a partnership, it's not a balanced partnership.

The story they tell at the beginning of Brave New World puts her and Cutter in a very uncomfortable "Cutter is her savior" narrative that, if you do assume they met when they were both adults, explicitly infantilizes Pryce and romanticizes that dynamic. We also hear multiple examples of other characters, both good guys and bad guys, acting disgusted or disturbed by Pryce's appearance, particularly her eyes, and Cutter seems to be the only one who isn't bothered by them. We also see Cutter interact with almost the entire cast throughout the course of the show, but Pryce mostly interacts with just Cutter or is in a lab by herself until the very end. She’s extremely isolated and most of the main characters don’t even know who she is until the end despite her being Cutter’s “work wife/worse half” and supposedly second in command at Goddard Futuristics. Now, don't get me wrong, I do think Cutter loved Pryce. I just think he did so in a very controlling way. Sure, he allowed her to call him by his first name and speak disrespectfully to him and openly criticize him, he called her the smartest woman in the world and admitted she was even smarter than he was, he praised her for her AI and rebuilding the world in her image and called her a god, and he was worried when she was in danger. But he also told her the one thing he feared was her making her own decisions in a crisis and messing up and that her one job was to back whatever decisions he made. He insisted on having control and the final say in their relationship. Then he forced her to apologize to him in the most condescending and patronizing way possible. It's giving 1950s in the worst possible way, which does sadly make sense given Cutter was born in the 1920s. Furthermore, Cutter also briefly considers whether it's even worth rescuing Pryce even though he does care about her. He ultimately does, and given that this is Cutter, that probably means a lot, but he still criticizes her for her behavior right after she almost died. It’s certainly more emotional abuse than anything else, but the signs are still there and the way that Pryce acts after she forgets about Cutter and his plans haunts me to this day. She goes from screaming at Hera and Doug to quietly apologizing for being confused and asking for help. I’ve never met a character I dislike so much and yet feel so bad for. I made a whole post about how Pryce and Cutter’s relationship and characters were a toxic mirror of Hera and Doug’s relationship and characters and I honestly think those might be some of my favorite parallels. I could talk about them forever. I will likely make more posts about it. But onto the other ships.

Then we have Kepler and Jacobi, and I already did my whole SI-5 post, but yeah…look. Is there canon evidence to support the ship? sure. Is it a healthy ship in a platonic or romantic sense? Heck no. Warren Kepler is a walking HR violation and some of the comments that he makes are just straight up… I don’t even know what to say other than Kepler is an arrogant jerk and a bully who clearly loves that he can get away with this kind of stuff, and Jacobi’s devotion and loyalty to Kepler is incredibly unhealthy. There’s also the issue of the savior complex and power dynamic issues I talked about with Hera and Maxwell and Pryce and Cutter that show up AGAIN here because Kepler saved Jacobi from unemployment and is his boss. Like with the other ships, I think Kepler did care about Jacobi to an extent just like Cutter cared about Pryce and Maxwell cared about Hera, but like those relationships, I still don’t think Kepler cared about Jacobi as much as he needed to or in the way he should have. In this case, it’s more in a “I care about you because we’re having fun or rather I’m having fun, and that’s what I care about” way rather than an “I sincerely love and care about you” way as evidence by the fact that Kepler compared Jacobi to whisky, didn’t care that his best friend died, and these two tried to kill each other. Though I do think a part of Kepler was sorry in end and acted more like he genuinely cared about Jacobi, it took him a ridiculously long time to get there. Plus then we have Jacobi’s whole implied thing with Klein “going badly” where he admits to being the toxic one and look: having that happen with one person at the evil space company is bad enough but two? Jacobi needs help. The man is a red flag running towards other red flags.

Finally, we have any romantic ship involving Renée Minkowski and any of the crew. Minkowski and Lovelace is the most popular one, but honestly, any romantic ship with her, whether it’s healthy or not, feels super out of character to me for a very simple reason. I cannot believe that Renée Minkowski would EVER cheat on her husband. The rest of the ships I’ve mentioned, toxic as most of them are (Doug and Hera being the main exception though their story is still very sad 💔) I will concede do have various degrees canon evidence, but the idea that Minkowski would get in a romantic relationship with anyone in her crew is just so wildly out of character to me. Minkowski, the woman who follows the rules of Pryce and Cutter, memorized the whole manual, and lies awake at night fretting about ethical dilemmas, willingly breaking her wedding vows? Absolutely not. She would never. She might have had a disagreement with her husband about coming to space, but they didn’t divorce over it. Clearly they weathered that storm, and Dominik was willing to wait for her to come back, he supported her dreams! She calls him wonderful, and the video messages she tried to send him were so sweet and personal you can just tell she loves this man and they have a good relationship. Now, with that said, I don’t think it’s entirely impossible to consider Minkowski getting into another relationships after her return to Earth. Dominik thinks she’s been dead for a few years and it’s not crazy to think he might have moved on and she unfortunately might have to move on too, but until that’s confirmed, I do not believe Minkowski would ever even entertain the idea of breaking her word to him, I just can’t see that being in character for her at all. Again, you can ship what you want, don’t let me stop you, but personally, I headcanon that Minkowski and Dominik are still happily married to this day, if nothing else because Dominik is probably pretty well off if he has his own secretary plus whatever salary bump it’s implied that Cutter gave him after Minkowski started working for Goddard, and he is probably more than happy to provide lodging and support to his wife’s loyal crew who saved her life upon their return. It’s the least they deserve after the horrors they went through: a lifetime of luxury vacations and five star hotels on Dominik Koudelka’s dime. Plus I feel like the reactions of the crew would be so funny. Minkowski invites them to stay with her since they have no place to go, and they’re worried about taking up all this space in her house, but then they get to her place and realize how big it is and are like “finding out you were married was shocking enough, but HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE INSANELY RICH TOO??? And super generous and willing to let us be your free loader roommates in your million dollar mansion to thank us for saving you??? Why on Earth would you not mention this earlier?” And Minkowski’s like “he’s a wonderful person and is the love of my life, the fact that he and his family have tons of money is not why I married him, nor is it a detail I was required to share with any of you”. Anyway, now Doug and Jacobi are getting invited to all these fancy rich people VIP events with Minkowski and Dominik and Minkowski has to beg them not to embarrass her (*cut to these grown men doing cannonballs in the country club pool*).

That’s about it for the main popular and canon ships. I suppose if you want to include Lovelace’s crew or some of the other crews, you could get healthy romantic ships out of that (although they’d unfortunately still be tragically doomed for obvious reasons). As for the other characters, I know Hilbert is mostly just for crack ships, but I also feel like the character would be so disgusted at the thought of being shipped with anyone, platonically or romantically. He’s not as old as Pryce and Cutter, but he’s still old enough to be almost everyone else’s dad. I feel like if asked about workplaces relationships for an official form his reply would be “absolutely not. My coworkers are young enough to be my children. Children I don’t even like. Children I would disown.” “They’re in their 20s and 30s. That’s an adult.” “If they are adults, they might try acting like it.”

I also find any platonic or romantic ship with Rachel unbelievable unless it ends with her betraying them for power, which I think she’s done before. I made a post about it, but the fact that she immediately understood the choice Cutter was facing when he had to decide whether rescuing Pryce was worth risking the mission makes me think she’s been in a similar situation.

To make a classic Bods’ long post short (too late), all these relationships fascinate me whether you choose to see them platonically or romantically (everyone has their preferences), but although many of them have canon evidence and strong narrative appeal, most if not all of them are tragic, toxic, or in the case of some of the romantic ones, out of character and/or random. I do understand the appeal and encourage you to ship what you want, write the relationships the way you wish they were (sometimes we all need that), but at the same time, the canon shipping and relationships thing being mostly sad and/or toxic is not just an SI-5 or Kepler and Jacobi exclusive issue. I just wish we had more redemption arcs and had them sooner. Then maybe we could have nice things. But no. So many of these characters just HAD to go and be evil and ruin not only their own relationships, but other people’s too. Sad.

[ceruleanvulpine]

long(ish)fics I have planned extensively over the years but (almost certainly) will never finish:

cassvarric fake dating (dragon age): a misnomer tbh because dorian is the third main character. post-inquisition, three people with complicated feelings about family legacy go to nevarra. the remnants of the rebellion for which cass' parents were executed try to recruit her as a figurehead. meanwhile, varric tells an aunt that he and cass had an absurd meet-cute and are deeply in love, as a joke; she cannot contradict this without an obligation to avenge her honor. meanwhile, dorian gets drunk at a party, offends a mortalitasi who is part of said remnants by asking too many probing questions about necromancy, and DOES have to fight a duel for THAT guy's honor. varric gets kidnapped as leverage. cass has to Tell A Story (Lie)

college ghosts (heathers musical): veronica gets into a Fine college. close to home. she's sooooooo moved on and over it and sees the goodness in people. ... except heather duke is her roommate. a truce where neither of them want to reveal their past is broken by heather getting drunk and nervous at a party, at which point veronica starts seeing heather chandler's ghost again. AND jd. being intermittently possessed and going Maximum Alpha Bitch Mode / straight up punching that asshole in philosophy class is bad for her. AND bad for duke, who was kind of in love with chandler. I appear to have written veronica cathartically tackle-hugging the ghost of her own horrid mean drunk teen self but I do NOT remember the context, except that it's halloween and she put on her old blue jacket. duke figures out what happened with heather and jd. veronica has a chance to let her die in an unlucky frozen lake based incident, but doesn't, despite this

miranda pryce's journey of self rediscovery (w359): postcanon pryce and eiffel bond over how fucking weird it is to be surrounded by people who know your past when you don't. some of her bad personality remains, although a lot of it was Made Worse by like sixty years of hanging out with cutter! lovelace wants to destroy goddard, jacobi wants to redirect goddard, pryce would prefer not to be the symbol for this conflict thx. pryce and jacobi bond (?) over losing their platonic soulmates and being deeply offended by the suggestion that she could be maxwell 2.0. pryce goes on a trip, impersonates herself, finds some of her history, finds some of cutter's history VERY DIRECTLY in the form of a failsafe backup of his brain, and, we hope, has character developed enough to say no to his offer this time.

Jesus Christ I worked on the dragon age one and the w359 one in 2017 someone take me out

[hephaestuscrew]

Minkowski's Position as Commander: An Attempted Analysis

TLDR: Increasingly as the show progresses, Minkowski's role as Commanding Officer of the Hephaestus is not about the position given her by Goddard but is instead about a choice that she and her crew continually make.

At the start of the series, Minkowski very much believes that she derives her authority from the position given her by Goddard Futuristics. It's clear that this military chain of command is really important to her. For example, when Hilbert attempts to leave Minkowski to die in space, the main thing she says to try to persuade him to let her in is:

This is treason. This is a betrayal of your commanding officer.

[CONTINUED BELOW THE CUT]

It's quite revealing that Minkowski thinks that military protocol / her role as Commanding Officer provides the most powerful reason for Hilbert not to kill her, even though he has known her for nearly two years and they have generally been on quasi-friendly terms.

After Hilbert's Christmas mutiny (and to a certain extent even before that), the Hephaestus crew know that Command cannot be trusted. The authority that initially conferred a position of power onto Minkowski has lied to them all and is actively malicious. So past that point, Minkowski's status as Commander isn't really determined by the fact that Goddard Futuristics gave her that position, because the crew have no reason to obey Goddard anymore. The basis of her authority no longer comes from Goddard, but more from a kind of unspoken agreement that someone needs to be in charge and it ought to be her. As rebellious as Eiffel and Hera both are, neither of them actually question Minkowski's status as Commanding Officer. It's true that they often don't obey her orders, but when they go against what she's said, it is with a conscious sense that they are disobeying not just another crew member, but their commanding officer.

The next major wrench to be thrown at Minkowski's Commander status is the arrival of Lovelace, who is arguably more qualified to be Commander than Minkowski. Not only has Lovelace commanded the Hephaestus herself (and for a longer period of time than Minkowski has), her title of Captain outranks Minkowski's title of Lieutenant. In Lovelace and Minkowski's power struggle after Lovelace's arrival, they are both coming from a perspective of "I was here first". Lovelace commanded that ship first, but Minkowski commanded that crew first and that ultimately gives her more power. Minkowski remains the Commander of the Hephaestus because the crew know her and trust her.

Eventually Lovelace comes to trust Minkowski too and to view her as the rightful Commander of the Hephaestus. In S3 and S4, she often backs up Minkowski's authority and tells the others that they ought to follow Minkowski's orders.

When Kepler shows up, there's a new official Commanding Officer of the Hephaestus. The si-5 declare that Minkowski is stripped of the title of Commander. Of course, I couldn't write this post without mentioning this iconic exchange:

EIFFEL I'm glad to see you too, Commander.

MINKOWSKI You heard the new boss, you don't need to call me that anymore.

EIFFEL Uh, yeah, they can go screw themselves. The entire universe will freeze before you're not the Commander of the Hephaestus.

Minkowski is ready to accept that she's no longer the Commander, because a part of her still thinks leadership is determined by the official chain of command. But Eiffel doesn't accept that. And he's not the only one who still acknowledges Minkowski as leader despite the arrival of the SI-5. Although her programming prevents her from addressing Minkowski as Commander, Hera believes that:

Lieutenant Minkowski's still the one who gives the marching orders.

Throughout Season 3, there's the sense of a crew-within-a-crew on the Hephaestus. Sure, Kepler is officially the overall commanding officer, but to Eiffel, Hera, Lovelace and even Hilbert to a certain extent, Minkowski is their true leader. Even though Lovelace and Hilbert do go behind Minkowski's back, they still seem to have a sense that a mutiny ought to have her Say So.

Another interesting element is that, in the eyes of Command, Minkowski was never the highest ranking crew member on the Hephaestus. Kepler confirms this in Ep48 when he says that the "Highest ranking member of each crew was briefed on the possibility" of a Theta scenario and that for both Hephaestus missions that was Hilbert. To Goddard Futuristics, Minkowski was the Commander in name only.

The Hephaestus crew (by which I mean everyone except the si-5) treat leadership as something official and codified, but not as something conferred by external authority. They follow a policy where one person has to be clearly designated as the Commander, but where Goddard Futuristics does not determine who that person is. This approach is displayed in Ep47 when Minkowski asks Lovelace to take over command of the Hephaestus. Minkowski's status as Commander is proved to have been a choice, because she can also choose not to be Commander. This choice is a personal one. There's no military protocol involved, just a discussion between two friends and the handing over of a title.

It's also worth noting Lovelace's reluctance to take over the role of commanding officer and her insistence that this is a temporary arrangement. Her reaction demonstrates how much she has come to see Minkowski as the rightful Commander. S2 Lovelace would have responded very differently.

When Minkowski becomes Commander again in Ep53, she has another conversation which reveals a lot about her attitude towards leadership. I'm just going to put the whole long quote here because I think it's all very relevant to what I've been talking about:

MINKOWSKI It's just... there's been all these times when somebody put me in situation where I was "in charge," but I wasn't... in control. I can't think of a decision in my life that wasn't already determined by someone else. But... even then, there was always a choice. I always made it. Even when I didn't realize I was making it. So now... I think I need to make choices by myself. For myself.

LOVELACE Aaaaand does that mean you're perhaps ready to take command of a certain space station again?...

MINKOWSKI No. Because I've never been in command, I can't retake it. But, if you'll allow me, sir, I would be honored to relieve you of your duties, and assume command of the U.S.S. Hephaestus Station.

Lovelace SMILES, and salutes Minkowski.

LOVELACE About friggin' time, sir.

Here it's made explicit that the question of Minkowski's status as Commander is tied into themes of choice and responsibility and control over one's own life. Minkowski recognises that her starting the Hephaestus mission as Commander was a choice made for her by Goddard (this is especially true because Minkowski applied to be just a Navigations Officer, not a Commander). Her continuing to be Commander was a choice, but it didn't feel like one to her at the time. To some extent, it was a choice she made passively (although I think her crew actively chose to follow her).

This conversation shows how Minkowski's view of leadership has changed dramatically. At the beginning of the series, she probably would have said that Goddard's choice to designate her Commander was what made her a Commander. She probably would have said that was how leadership ought to be determined. But by Ep53, she no longer wants to be dependent on the decisions of others to decide her role. Being Commander is not only a choice, it is now a choice she makes consciously and independently. She doesn't really have any more control over their circumstances when she retakes command in Ep53 than she did before handing over command in Ep47. Nonetheless her decision to make active choices for herself is still a significant one, because it reflects a paradigm shift.

Of course, there is some cruel irony in the fact that very soon after this conversation Minkowski is put under Pryce's mind control. Sometimes the choice to take control of our lives is taken away. Notably though, Eiffel still calls her Commander when she's not even able to command her own actions. And when she does regain her autonomy, she automatically assumes command of a new crew-within-a-crew (Eiffel, Hera, Lovelace, and Jacobi).

Cutter recognises how important Minkowski's role as Commander is to her. In the finale, he tells her:

People cared about you because of what I made you: A soldier. A leader. A commander. I gave you that

But I would argue that this isn't true. Yes, it was Cutter who initially gave Minkowski the title of "Commander", but that was never what made her a leader. Goddard never saw Minkowski as a leader. They saw her as a tool. She became a leader in her own right because she strived to do the right thing for her crew and because her crew trusted her to lead them.

For a final example of how important Minkowski's role as Commander is to her, here's what she says to reintroduce herself to Eiffel after the memory wipe:

Hi. My name is Renée Minkowski. I'm the Commander of this space station.

At this point, Minkowski knows that the space station in question is not going to exist for much longer. She knows its been a long time since Goddard would have said she was the Commanding Officer of the Hephaestus in any sense. And yet, the second thing she wants Eiffel to know about her is that she is the Commander. She asks him to call her Renée, but she still wants him to view her as a commanding officer. This makes sense when we recognise that the trust of her crew - and of Eiffel in particular - has been the essential foundation of her status as Commander after the foundation from Goddard fell away.

Throughout the course of Wolf 359, with the various revelations about Command and with the arrivals of Lovelace, the si-5 and eventually Cutter & Co., the official reasons to classify Minkowski as the Hephaestus' commanding officer are eroded. But Minkowski still ends the show as a Commander. She's the one who decides whether they are going to stay and try to stop Cutter's plan (the others recognise that it's up to her even when they disagree with her initial decision to leave without trying to fight Cutter). Lovelace calls her Commander even after the Hephaestus is gone. Minkowski represents the ship when speaking to Earthspace ATC. And she's the one who finally brings the crew home.

[dementedgnomicwizard]

celestriakle replied to your post “oh my god i fucking HATE the wolf 359 finale no podcast has ever made...”

Man I feel you. Personally I didn’t see a tpk coming and for me that probably woulda been too dark, but I remember feeling so weird about the ending as is, it was just, uncomfortable? It felt like they were trying for a happy ending and def did not get there, there was for sure a balance off. (Keeping in mind I listened like 2 or 3 years ago probably)

yeah i think it was maybe me being used to/having a preference for slightly darker fiction generally gfdhsjkhf i like stuff that’s humorous and doesn’t emotionally fatigue you but the stakes are high as hell and you know that none of the characters are ever 100% safe regardless of how much of a main character they are yk

ok i just started writing and then it got Long so i’m putting this under a readmore, ALSO HUUUGE SPOILERS UP AHEAD OBV FOR ANYONE WONDERING

what put that idea in my head initially was when eiffel almost got sent back to earth and turned back—in my head i was like ah, okay, so that’s the moment where he makes his Choice to come back no matter the cost, they’re gearing up for an Ultimate Sacrifice ending. (now looking back i’m like.... well. i Guess that’s still what was going on but.... lol.)

i assumed that for most of the episode the plan would be “stop goddard+kill cutter pryce and young, get home,” and that towards the end it would become clear that there wasn’t enough time/options/whatever to accomplish all of the above (either that they would succeed in killing cutter+price+young but in order to finish it they’d have to stay on the station as it crossed the red line or something like that, or that they would realize there were no options left besides destroying the station with everyone on board) and they’d have some touching moment as a crew where they reflect on all the development they’d undergone as people throughout the journey and all things considered are pretty gung-ho about accepting what has to happen.

it just feels (to me) like the logical and satisfying conclusion for their arcs! they finally have ALL the answers they’ve been looking for, they’ve succeeded in stopping goddard, etc. for lovelace it would’ve been a pretty kick-ass “the captain always goes down with the ship” moment and honestly a well-deserved /rest/ after everything she’s been through and all the loss she’s witnessed (because... um... can she die? now? of anything? bc it doesn’t seem likely, and ‘going back to earth so i can settle into a normal life again and then watch everyone i know get old and die around me while i stay alive because i’m not fully me anymore’ feels like ... kind of a really cold and sad ending for her, considering everything). 

for hera it would’ve been a chance to (once again) reaffirm her humanity and just how much she’s progressed beyond what goddard tried to make her be; a really excellent final fuck-you, ESPECIALLY if the nature of the TPK in question was like “hera has to initiate the self-destruct and pryce is alive to witness this but powerless to stop her for once.” 

for jacobi... i mean... like am i forgetting something or did they just not really bother establishing much information about like, what jacobi has to return to on earth? bc it seems like blowing the station could’ve been a way for him to 1) let go of a lot of his guilt/grief over maxwell and 2) a salute to kepler for his efforts (assuming that by the time the TPK happens kepler has already been revealed as a double-double agent + swooced out the airlock)

for eiffel it would’ve been a good conclusion to the Massive amounts of development he had; he spent the entirety of the show slowly and painfully learning how NOT to be an asshole/selfish/basically everything that he Was that contributed to destroying his life on earth care about, and how TO Show Up For the people around him despite getting off on the wrong foot initially. he arrived on the hephaestus as a (mostly) well-meaning but self-absorbed jackass with virtually no concept of boundaries or self-restraint, and by the end of the show he’d Realized this about himself and put in a colossal amount of hard work in order to Be Better... and then at the very peak of that arc, which the audience and the characters themselves have invested so much time and energy into, the decision is just to... throw all of it away? IT’S JUST GDFKSJGHFDK SOOO MUCH MORE FRUSTRATING TO ME THAN IF THEY’D JUST STRAIGHT-UP KILLED HIM because they try to dance around it like “Ahhh but IS he the same person anymore... who can never be sure.... maybe it’s a second chance....” but that logic just doesn’t WORK given the questions+answers about what makes up one’s humanity/personality as established AT LENGTH by like everything else in the show!! according to everything we’ve learned so far from hera/maxwell/pryce etc as they address these questions through the lens of the AI system, the answer to “are you still the same person if you’re physically unchanged but every single one of your memories is altered or removed?” is a resounding “NO.” i hate it when writers spend their entire story establishing certain rules/information/logic and then suddenly make decisions that completely fly in the face of all of it and think it’s a “subversion” when really what that’s called is “a bad writing decision.” i genuinely think they were just too hesitant to actually kill him so they tried to do “the next best thing” but it just... didn’t work the way they wanted it to. i’ll elaborate more on why i think they would’ve been afraid to kill him (beyond just “he is the beloved main character”) in a second 

for minkowski... i mean... from a character/writing standpoint, if lovelace, hera, or eiffel (not including jacobi here only bc i don’t think they were QUITE close enough by the end for his death to have caused her As Much guilt as the other three would have) died during the finale then minkowski would almost definitely have to die as well, bc her primary motivation as we’re all very aware is to ensure the safety of her crew above all else; i don’t think there’s a universe where minkowski is okay with leaving herself if all three aren’t with her. BUT i think this became a corner that they wrote themselves into with her by the end, because then (i assume) the dilemma became “well, as much as we might like to, we basically can’t kill off any one single other character, because it will cut minkowski’s strings” WHIIICH is why i think they couldn’t go through with killing eiffel. 

ANYWAY. YEAH. ALL THIS TO SAY for me personally an ending where the characters all have to sacrifice themselves, but it’s a choice they arrive at together easily + something they welcome and accept without much sadness/regret because they’ve done everything they could (and, in the case of those crewmembers w active ties to earth, successfully ensured the safety of their loved ones on earth) would’ve made a lot of sense and been satisfying. i’d be sad, definitely, but in an “this story and characters were excellent and i’m sad it’s over” way more than a “wait i’m so frustrated by this ending that can’t possibly just be It” way

[geejaysmith]

Wolf 359: A running list of things I have a heightened appreciation on second listen, pt. 2

Part one here. 

SEASON 3:

Pan-Pan: Still a little miffed they didn't explicitly do the "we have to huddle to conserve body heat" trope. Yes, it's corny, but also shut up, let my touch-starved space disasters cuddle.

So Eiffel stopped Hera and Minkowski arguing in season 1 to address an emergency, and now with Eiffel absent, the team starts arguing again. The fact he doesn't exactly have much Pride In His Own Self-Sufficiency to get in the way of "hey! Guys! Remember, imminent death? More important priorities happening?" tends to defuse situations like this aaaaaand now he's absent.

"Cutter will send a squad of psychos to come up here and kill us faster!" ...she's not wrong.

"Pick a corner and relax! Hop to it!" I just like this line delivery.

"The entire station is a SPACE YUKON and this thing is overheating!" I know, it's like it's symbolic or something.

Episode 29: "we all feel responsible for losing Eiffel and are lashing out because we're scared and sad and grieving and fear getting backlash while we're vulnerable if we admit we need help, and we don't know what to do but keep going because the alternative is breaking down and possibly never getting back up again." Alternatively:  "It's Metaphors All the Way Down."

Mayday: Eiffel's frustrated screaming.

Brain Ghost Minkowski showing up like "Yeah, we know I'm a hallucination, or Weird Alien Shit, or maybe just a clever metaphor representing the abstract process of thought, but who gives a crap, this is more interesting than listening to you talk to yourself for an entire episode."

BGM: Hi, I'm your thought processes externalized using a face and personality that you subconsciously think you need to hear from in this situation, possibly because you think so little of yourself you need to hear it from somebody else first. Eiffel: Oh hey cool, this is just like this one web comic I kept up with sometimes back on Earth- BGM: Not another word.

Eiffel getting slapped by Brain Ghost Lovelace, who is a projection of his thoughts.

What is that whispering in his head that reminds him of the Hermes' name supposed to be anyway? Score one for my Weird Alien Brain Shit theory. Having Lovelace's alien juice in your system comes with such fun side effects.

"I dunno, I only know what you know." "Shut up, don't go meta on me." / "Hilbert wouldn't know that word! He's never even heard of Empire!" Yeah, toldja: it's Brain Ghosts.

Brain Ghost Hilbert may represent the realist in Eiffel and the brutal, calculating reality he doesn't want to confront, but Brain Ghosts Minkowski and Lovelace are his cooler head and ingenuity, working him through staying calm and devising a way to survive, and Brain Ghost Hera, who appears when Hilbert tells him it's hopeless, telling him that against all the odds he will be okay, is his stubborn determination to never, ever quit. They're all his determination to live when Doug might want to just stop trying. They're the better parts of himself, reflected in the voices of his friends.

And Hilbert. But I digress- HOLY FUCK, I just realized the brilliance in the one-two punch of the Brain Ghost Brigade contrasted with the previous episode's Stress Fracture Argue Crew, it's The Sound And The Fury all over again.

Paging the Wolf 359 incorrect quote blogs: "Save my friends! And Zoidberg Hilbert!"  

Sécurité thru Don’t Poke the Bear: Maxwell! I've missed you! (':

"And I build pretty awesome battle drones on the weekends." ...Does Maxwell have her own souped-up version of one Jamie Hyneman's Blendo?

Eiffel, realizing he's starting to sound like Minkowski: My god, what have I become.

Eiffel mumbling to himself in general. "This is hell and I'm in it."

Is it just me or is Kepler's pig story not as agonizingly drawn out to listen to the second time around?

A Matter of Perspective: Funzo: 12 different board games, three of them TCGs and maybe at least one TTRPG, all tossed in a blender, because Pryce and Cutter are psychopaths.

The Funzo manual is the size of the actual Bible and don't try to convince me otherwise.

How into the game the girls all get.

Headcanon: Minkowski and Lovelace are both the types to get stupidly competitive over any kind of game regardless of their initial level of investment.

Eiffel keeps a photo of (it's implied) him and his daughter taped to the underside of his console...

"He looks so... happy." shUT UP

"I had no idea Eiffel had a-" daughter. Was it "daughter" you were going to say Minkowski. Well, no one else knew you were married til you brought it up, so turnabout's fair play.

"You think you know me? You know the artist formerly known as Warren Kepler, you've met my job. Aside from that, there's no one left for you to know." In light of the series finale, I, uh... I don't if I like this, Scoob. Also, stop reminding me all these people are human persons underneath all the desensitization to horror and violence.

"Happy birthday, Eiffel." They remembered! Hope this one is less traumatizing than the last, Doug.

"Happy Kwanzaa!" "Lovelace."

"Long Story Short, that's the last time I saw Maxwell's feet" wh. What. What happened involving Maxwell's feet. What's. why-

And to make a long story short, that's where my "Maxwell has hands for feet" headcanon came from.

Need to Know: Minkowski's dreams, apparently, include both creating musicals and commanding a deep space mission. She's gotten the latter way the hell off the bucket list, somebody with actual songwriting skills want to get in and write the former with me?

Lovelace overindulging on painkillers for her broken arm after losing Officer Fisher... "It was a difficult time." ):

Aaaand serious implications of the above are immediately headed off by Lovelace quacking aggressively at Jacobi.

Fire and Brimstone: where is my fanfiction about Lovelace overseeing Minkowski during her solitary confinement?

The Backstory Episodes: Zach Valenti wrote all the backstory episodes! I just find that kind of sweet.

Once in a Lifetime: Small detail I only noticed on my second listen, after a fanfic put the thought in my head: Minkowski's parents are only referred to in the past tense. Oof.

"Thank you for coming in on such short notice. We had a hiccup in staffing for this upcoming quarter."  So... according to the wiki's timeline, the launch for the second Hephaestus mission was some time in late March 2013. The beginning of this episode (and Eiffel's) states it takes place in 2013, with 3 months of training, meaning they were probably brought on board in January and the whole thing moved *ridiculously* fast. Everything points to them wanting to get people up in space as quickly and with as little fuss as possible, giving the newcomers no time to think it over or do additional research. Once they start the training program, they're probably too busy to look further into Goddard's deep space missions, and are likely in an environment where Goddard Futuristics can cut them off from other information sources. The people they select are relatively isolated (Minkowski and her husband being an exception) - the easier to make them disappear. Even Lovelace has been stationed at "a lot of very isolated, very quiet outposts", the implication being her superiors wanted her somewhere out of the way. Kind of makes me wonder about the rest of the Hephaestus 1.0 crew...

Greensboro: Nice ominous foreshadowing you've got there vis a vis Captain Lovelace and "are you an alien?"

Decommissioned: "We're not about to force anyone to do something they don't want to do!" ...Marcus Cutter deserves to have his trousers ablaze constantly.

All Things Considered is still a bit confusing (because I somehow keep listening to it while doing something else) and I'll need another listen to figure out what probably actually happened, but it is also hilarious.

"Eiffel had engaged the machine, but that's why I build in extra safeguards. My mistake, clearly, was to assume that would be enough to stop the slapstick routine."

“All Things Considered”: Did you have fun with this over-the-top romp of hilarity and and hijinks, dear audience? Good! Because that was us burning off our comedy quota for the rest of the season. Get ready for six whole episodes of nonstop emotional gut-punches!

MEMORIA.

Just... Memoria.

Putting this quote here because of Reasons: "Three years... Three and a half years... I've had this thing in my head breaking me, and making me think it was all my fault, that there was something wrong with *me!*"

So Memoria is still one of the best episodes and the last five minutes fuck me up in a special little way.

Time to Kill: "Or the one outside is the real Jacobi... and the alien is already in here with us." The funny thing, Maxwell, is that you were half-right and didn't even realize it, and you *were* just speaking to Lovelace.

So... do alien duplicates only get reloaded from the singular "snapshot" of the person, or does getting flare-scanned once give them a continually updated source of info? What I'm getting at is: if another Jacobi shows up post-finale, would he need to be filled in on events between his horrible, terrible death and the present?

Persuasion: Maxwell switching to First Name Basis to get Jacobi to be honest with her.

I always forget until the scene after that Hilbert is totally setting up the Space Telephone to manipulate her, but of all the ways he could've gotten Minkowski around to "we are disposable and need to act *now* before these people decide they're done with us", it still kinda touching that this is the method he chose.

Desperate Times/Desperate Measures are just a blur of "oh god oh god oh god" and it's just as nailbiting the second time around. One thing I love about this podcast is how comfortable it is with (for its medium) long stretches of silence, which can feel a LOT longer when you have no other forms of feedback except dialogue to know the first gunshot was just a warning.

So you really *do* feel Minkowski breaking out into laughter when Eiffel tries to invoke Air Force code is a release of the tension that's been building for multiple episodes. Like he's finally gotten through to them just how far this has all gone and how much further it could still go. I keep saying this: when the situation starts to threaten violence, he's got an amazing gift for keeping the rest of the crew in touch with their common humanity when the rest get far too used to a world that runs on self-interest and subterfuge. Hell, he even gets Hilbert and *Kepler* opening up over the course of the story (presuming Kepler is being honest when he talks about being a shell of himself, but even though he was trying to manipulate Eiffel, that doesn't exclude there being a kernel of truth in those words).

Speaking of Kepler: he's definitely riding the adrenaline high of the situation and it turns him into a monster with a manic streak. It makes Jacobi's and Maxwell's relative calm all the eerier by contrast. Those two really do make you forget that all of this is... pretty horribly routine for them.

Until they meet their match, that is, when the women of the Hephaestus refuse to stand down, and each of them is unspeakably badass in their own way. What Kepler didn't account for is that they're ready and willing to die together rather than sacrifice one another for their own survival.

Although again, the irony of the situation is that just dropping the station into the star could have let them avoid, /gestures at season 4. BUT I'm not gonna rain on the Badass parade here.

Bolero, aka "The podcast kicking me in the feelings while I'm down."

The way Minkowski orders everyone else out of the room before Brain Ghost Lovelace conversates with her.  ...did she pop up in the middle of that conversation, I wonder? And all this when psi-wave radiation is spiking, apparently. Coincidence?

Oh come on Hera, war is no reason to end a friendship- Look, I came here from Metal Gear. I see folks dunking on Hilbert and I'm just over here like "he's still not as revolting as Huey Emmerich."  

Listen I've seen enough of Warren Kepler and Marcus Cutter in this fandom to know y'all aren't above liking a bad guy, you just prefer the ones who're having fun with it.

"You're gonna come to my funeral! And you're gonna like it! ...I mean you're gonna feel really sad! And cry! And stuff! GOT IT??" Ah, good ol' Eiffel.

THE COMPUTER ALSO HAS BRAIN GHOSTS

"If I'm not your doctor, then what are we?" "We're... complicated?" Listen, Eiffel, if you're not careful, I'm going to start shipping you and Hilbert ironically For The Lulz, and we all know where shipping things ironically always leads.

Errybody gets brain ghosts this episode. Again: I accept that this is a device that's more interesting than an alternative method of expressing these same ideas, but the ambiguity of a Watsonian explanation (is it all in their heads? Do they really see an apparition of some kind?) lets me do my Weird. Look, I once wrote in a joke in a fic about Death from Discworld complimenting a Quirky Miniboss Squad member from Metal Gear Solid 3 on his taste in interior decorating arena design, and that spawned entire subplots in projects for two different fandoms, and eventually roped in a third fandom to elaborate further on their now-intertwined cosmology. Do not underestimate how much I can give myself to work with.

The last ten minutes of Bolero also fuck me up in a special way, partly because We Are Dealing With the Hard and Unavoidable Fact of Death but also the aliens are about to throw a curve ball that'll... alter that last part a little.

Like, words cannot describe the "Dead Man's Curve in the wet" hard right turn of going from being in mourning for several beloved characters (including my favorite) to SURPRISE, SHE'S BACK! I love it.

I'd have to check the scripts to be sure exactly because some words got lost in Lovelace's respiratory spasms but I do like to imagine the her head wound closing up in front of a horrified Eiffel and Minkowski, with a side order of glow-y shit. I've drawn too many Homestuck god tier revivals I guess.

Update: I DID check the recording script's stage directions to see just how disgustingly physical the whole event is and okay, so no weird glowing shit (I reserve my right to depict it that way anyway) but I'm delighted to report that the gross anatomical-ness I was picturing? It's worse! It is so much worse!

The goddamn AGONY that is the Special Episode being TWO HOURS LONG when it comes right after the BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER IN THE SERIES.

You have NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF TEMPTATION IT WAS TO SKIP THIS AND COME BACK TO IT LATER

LOVELACE 1.0 I LOVE YOU BUT ALSO I WANNA TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING TO FUTURE-YOU RIGHT NOW

Change of Mind: love the framing device placing this episode as within Lovelace's mind during her successful cranial reconstruction saving throw.

"Buncha nerds, gonna crash my-"

Just how familiar she is in this place, with these people... Hera was installed in her sister's grave (as another post put it), but Lovelace lives in the gutted cadaver of her home.

Zach Valenti's Lambert voice *does* sound like a bad Minkowski impression.

"I have a physicist to put the fear of *me* into." That's my girl. She kind of was more of an ass pre-Total Party Kill, though? Like come on, Isabel, how necessary *is* all this arguing with Lambert?

Fourier's voice is very nice, also. Very soft, very easy on the ears.

I'm now appreciating how it sounds like Fisher is the older and calmer mediator among the crew.

Also the image of Isabel just floating out in space and listening to some chill tunes is sooooo good.

Hey Doc, did it turn out Fisher was too perceptive to live. Was getting caught outside in that meteor shower really an accident. Hey. Hey Hilbert. Answer me. 

Also goddamnit, has EVERY character in this series has read Harry Potter?

Did the Fishers always differentiate each other by audio channel? I had to rewind the scene when I realized Lovelace's questions in my right ear weren't getting an answer.

"Say you're a big pink elephant!"

*gunshot* *gross biological dissolving noises* WHY

"Just because somebody made you something doesn't mean that's all you're going to be - you can be more!" I wrote this line down prior to the end of the episode's confirmation that it's a Big Thematic Point.

Aaaand we're back to the framing device, and with that, season 3 wraps. Or maybe season 4 kicks off? Either way, hell of a way to kick it off.

Cecilia Lynn-Jacobs had a hand in writing this episode? Aw... that's sweet...

So, yeah, headcanon: Alien resurrection does the weird glowy thing to close any obviously fatal maladies, then the gross biological viscera part kicks in, hence Lovelace sounding like she's trying to hack up her lungs as soon as she starts using them again.

Listen, sometimes the gross biological viscera parts are my favorite parts, okay? Okay.

[ston-rampler]

Every Battle Heads Towards Surrender On Both Sides

Whumptober Day 5! 

Prompt: Gunpoint

Daniel Jacobi & Alana Maxwell, 1598 Words, Gun Violence

Read on AO3

Alana Maxwell was the most amazing person that Daniel Jacobi had ever met. She had a passion in her that was unwavering, a drive that seemed endless, and was smarter than literally anyone else he knew. God was lucky she had dedicated her life towards developing AI from a young age, or else his position might be in jeopardy. Well, actually, it still might be.

When he first met her, she had been quiet. She had hair dyed firetruck red, but her posture suggested that the only thing she wanted was to blend in enough that she could do her work in peace. Kepler had introduced them rather hastily, surely wanting them to bridge that gap on their own. Sink or swim had always been his way of life and when the tides rose, Alana swam.

The two of them hardly spoke until their first mission, a rather tame one that sent them to the middle of fuck-ass nowhere, Wyoming. They drove out in a little unmarked black car through a barely-hanging on town and out to a deserted field surrounding a single house. The place was in shambles. It looked more like somewhere the local meth heads might go to shoot up than somewhere that would be of any importance to SI-5, but no matter how many questions Daniel asked, Kepler stayed silent and kept driving.

They pulled to a stop about a hundred yards out from the front porch, dust blowing past them in huge clouds. The house looked even worse from up close, slouching over like it was tired and twitching in the wind like it was one small sneeze away from collapsing in on itself. Weeds sprouted up from the floorboards of the porch and the cracked screen door swung wildly.

”And you’re sure that this is where the guy lives.”

Kepler sighed. “For the last time, Mr. Jacobi. I am positive that this is the right place. Thomas Sacco, fifty-six years old and a certified genius in the field of robotics. Former employee of Goddard Futuristics.” Ah, so it was like that, was it.

”Why in the world is this an SI-5 operation? Any hillbilly teenager with a shotgun could take a guy out in a place like this.”

”Unfortunately, the inside of the house isn’t likely to be as unassuming as the outside. On his way out, Sacco managed to steal an AI unit named ATÉ programmed to be a security program, and his recent financial transactions show that he’s been stocking up on firearms and ammunition, not to mention he’s an incredibly skilled engineer. I don’t doubt that he’d make protecting himself his top priority after leaving Goddard.”

”And I suppose I’m here to deal with the AI?” Alana asked from the backseat, startling Daniel a bit. That was the first full sentence she had said since they left the motel, and he had forgotten she was there. Kepler nodded.

”It certainly wasn’t their most advanced unit, but I have special orders from Miranda Pryce to bring it back intact, so we need it neutralized before it can take any defensive measures against us. From there, all that’s left is to terminate Sacco.” Alana pulled a small tablet out of her bag, opening up a program and starting to type furiously.

”No man smart enough to work for Goddard would be dumb enough to put the AI’s central processors outside of the house he was trying to protect, so I’m going to need to get in there before I can shut her off.” Daniel turned around in his seat to grin at her excitedly.

”Luckily for you, breaking and entering is our specialty.” The three of them made their way up to the house, guns in hand as they eyed the tall weeds suspiciously for any concealed traps. The rickety wooden porch in front of them looked like a disaster waiting to happen, and Kepler eyed it suspiciously before taking a tentative step up onto it. Right on cue, the sound of a whirring mechanism beneath the floorboards could be heard, and in a fraction of a second, the mail slot of the door popped open to reveal the barrel of a gun that shot off ten rounds in quick succession, the three of them only barely being able to avoid getting hit in the kidneys.

”Good lord,” Alana said, trying to catch her breath. “You really weren’t kidding, were you?” From inside the house came the muffled sound of a computerized voice.

”Security protocols engaged.”

”Well,” Daniel said, adjusting his grip on his gun. “Looks like it’s go time.”

Without ceremony, Kepler kicked in the flimsy wooden door, knocking over the gun’s mechanism in the process. Making their way inside, every square inch of the place seemed to be booby trapped, though the pattern became easy to see after a few rounds of narrowly-avoided bullets had been sprayed out at them. It was all on the floor, trip wires or concave floorboards that connected to holes in the wall that were actually pretty conspicuous. It didn’t take them long to dismantle most of them and Alana found the AI’s central processor inside the shell of an old refrigerator. Daniel and Kepler left her to her work, cautiously scaling the house’s suspiciously trap-free rickety stairs in search of Sacco.

”So, sir, what do you think of her?” Jacobi asked once they were sure she was out of earshot.

”She seems very promising, but this is her first mission and we’re not even through the day yet. Take care not to get too attached, Mr. Jacobi.” Jacobi scoffed.

”Me? Attached? Oh, perish the thought.” They cleared the second floor, with no sign of Sacco or any life at all, aside from a considerable number of spiders, when the sound of rapid gunshots came from below them. Kepler looked down the stairs, calculating, while Daniel darted down, unable to think of anything aside from the image of their new teammate lying on the floor in a pool of blood. The scene he was greeted with when he reached the floor wasn’t as gory, but it certainly wasn’t much better.

Alana had been yanked away from the fridge processor by a man with balding grey hair. He was tall and slightly pudgy, and he had one meaty arm around Alana’s skinny neck, the barrel of the handgun pressed to the side of her head.

”SI-5,” Thomas Sacco said, spitting the words out like they made a foul taste in his mouth. “Took you long enough to find me.” Daniel pointed his gun at the man who just tightened his grip on Alana in response.

”Nah, just fashionably late. We just we’d let you have a little fun with your rebellion before we came to crash the party,” he shot back. The man smiled sickeningly.

”I recognize you, little attack dog, though it’s unusual to see you without your handler.”

”Guess he decided you weren’t worth his effort.”

”Mr. Cutter still sent you all the way out here for little old me, though. Really, it’s an honor.”

”Actually, from what I can tell, Cutter doesn’t give two shits about what you’re doing. Said you were a pretty low-level threat.”

”You all must not be Goddard’s best and brightest anymore, then, so I suppose it’d be okay if I killed this one.” He jerked the arm that he had wrapped around Alana and shoved the gun harder against her temple. Her eyes were panicked, but Daniel could tell her brain was running at about a billion calculations per second. He swallowed thickly and hoped the man couldn’t see his uncertainty.

”You know, she’s still in her trial period actually, so if she died it would just mean she wasn’t cut out for the job,” Daniel said, trying his best to sound nonchalant even though his heart was trying its best to break out of his chest. “I’m sure Mr. Cutter would understand.” Daniel saw Alana’s eyes dart to the wall beside them, and then draw in a deep breath.

”Well,” Sacco said. “In that case, I guess I’ll go ahead and-” without warning, Alana ground her feet downwards and pushed Sacco back just a few inches. He grunted, a foot coming back to steady himself and landing itself right on top of a trip wire. Alana threw herself forwards just as a barrage of bullets found their way out of a hole in the wall and into Sacco’s head.

Alana landed on her knees, breathing heavily with her long hair hanging in front of her face. Daniel tucked his gun back into its holster and took a step towards her, offering a hand which she gladly took and hoisted her to her feet. Kepler strode down the stairs leisurely, surveying the scene in front of him and then giving Alana a sharp nod.

”Good work Maxwell. Is the AI ready to go?” She didn’t say anything, just nodded and tried to catch her breath. “Jacobi, pack it up and let’s get out of here.”

”Right.” Kepler strode out of the house and back towards the car, leaving the two of them by themselves. Jacobi approached the brick-TV-sized hunk of machinery that was the AI’s central processor and hoisted it up into his arms with a grunt.

”Well,” he said to Alana. “I guess we know that from now on, if you ever find yourself on the other end of a gun, you can handle yourself.” Alana looked back at him, her eyes still a bit wide.

”Yeah,” she said, with a disbelieving laugh. “I guess so.”

[nobodysdaydreams]

Y'ALL I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. WTF? WTF?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Or my reaction to Episodes 53-54 of Wolf359).

Welcome back dear readers! Thank you for enjoying my reaction to the Mission Mishap and mini episodes, which were shorter and a lot easier to fit into my busy schedule. I try to make sure I have time to type out good live quality reactions for you guys, so thanks for your patience on this.

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom @lovelyladylavie

Episode 53: Dirty Work

This episode has gotten a lot of hype from the mutuals. I hope that means Pryce and Cutter are actually gonna bother to show up this time. The two of them did their whole ominous “we’re going to space” thing at the very beginning of this season, well hurry up and go to space then since you care so much! Instead they gave us enough time for Doug to have his radio show arc, which (while it was necessary, and I enjoyed it), just goes to show how much time Pryce and Cutter actually put into this. Which should be evident given that it has taken them at least this long to get to space despite it being their “life’s work” (and for some “higher purpose” they’ll probably monologue about too no doubt 🙄. Hopefully they keep their speech shorter or at least more interesting than Whiskey Boy). Laziest villains of all time sending other people to space the dirty work. Which happens to be the episode title, look at that.

And if I had to guess who is going to be doing Pryce and Cutter’s dirty work, my money’s on Whiskey Boy. Well, actually, my money’s on free-will deprived Hera, but I hope I’m wrong.

Well this is rare. No preview ads to skip through. Huh.

Oh, Minkowski 🥺. We know you didn't want to kill anyone. Don't worry, I will give you justice in fanfic if the show doesn't give it to you here.

HILBERT. Shut up. Even in death, you still don't get it do you? Minkowski has a right to be upset. Even if anyone on this ship makes it back to earth, they are still gonna be extremely traumatized.

Doug, what are you up to now?

And no, Lovelace. Minkowski is not okay. None of you are okay.

"23rd time is the charm!" That's the spirit, Doug! 🥰

Oh right, the reset that Hera has been putting off.

Lol, Hera's "Good Boy". There you go Doug. You see, he can be taught.

"Get him to do what he's told!" Well that would likely be Hera's department.

Not the bottles of beer song. I swear, why are Kepler and Jacobi even still here? What are they contributing? 🍻 "Don't do anything stupid?" a bit late for that.

Um...what is this? Who was that? Wait is that Maxwell's ghost talking to Jacobi?

Do not be a bad guy again Duck Boy. 🦆 That is how your friend got killed, remember? Do you want to be a dead duck?

Well at least we got some music. Nice work, Doug! 🎶

VERIFICATION CODE WHISKEY. a;lsjkfklsdjfk I KNOW Kepler came up with that one. I don't care that it's a legit code, I know it is, but he probably puts Whiskey in every single secret code of his.

Doug. GET BACK INSIDE.

Not demolitions. Jacobi. You fool. You impulsive explosive dumb-dumb. Do not blow up the ship you're on.

"Now I may not be as smart as my late colleague" understatement of the century Jacobi.

Oh great. He's willing to kill them all. Fantastic. Oh and Kepler's coming too. OH. Because Minkowski killed Maxwell and Kepler let her die and had no remorse. Jacobi wants revenge. Oh. Oh no...

"How's your day going?" been better.

Kepler's speech...so was he working with Jacobi this whole time? Convincing plan if he was, but I gotta say Kepler, I don't know if that's gonna work as smoothly for you this time around. Jacobi seemed pretty upset, and there would be no reason for him to reveal that now when he has the upper hand.

SHOOT HIM!

AS:Jlkfjsdlkfjlkds I KNEW IT!!!!!!!

"Pretty please with sugar on top" oh we're going there.

And after hearing about how Kepler bought him explosives...this whole betrayal thing really did go to the next level with them.

"Is this an elaborate prank to teach me a very important lesson?" askjdfkld;jf I love you Doug. 😂 And that would be hilarious.

Poor Doug...that's it Doug! Go into the star! That's what they want! Why do they want this? Who knows. It is weird though. They presumably know that humans die if they do that, and if they wanted them dead there's a million more efficient ways to kill them.

"Blow Kepler's brain's out" "Jacobi...where are you going with this?" Wow, Whiskey Boy really IS slow, isn't he? Maybe it wouldn't have killed him to shed a few fake tears at Maxwell's funeral.

"He was the one who put her in the line of fire, and you should be the one who has to do it."

That does make sense. Because Kepler won't care about shooting Minkowski or anyone else, and while Minkowski certainly wouldn't enjoy dying, she's still tortured with guilt over the fact that she killed Maxwell. But force Minkowski to relive that trauma, intentionally and painfully, and taking everything from Kepler...oh man Duck Boy really did think this through.

"You complete and utter idiot..." YES PUNCH HIM JACOBI! Unconventional grieving process is an understatement.

"I don't want to kill anyone" "Else" ouch.

And yeah... this is Jacobi's "2 birds one bullet solution"

Jacobi is unhinged.

"This is it. Either she shoots you or I kill everyone" yeah it really is over.

Jacobi. You don't need to do this. You really don't.

PHONE CALL?

No. Do not call Pryce and Cutter. Do not call them Jacobi, I don't care if you want to tell them off do not give them information do not call them. Do not call anyone. Maxwell is dead, who does he even have to talk to? Is he gonna call his family? Maxwell's family?

Kepler begging Minkowski for a backup plan...Jacobi really DID beat him...he's nothing now. Though to be fair, he didn't have much to begin with.

"There's no bomb?" Then...what is...oh no. Jacobi what is this game?

"I'm not crazy, that stuff's dangerous!" 😂 Why is Jacobi evil Doug sometimes? I swear if it wasn't for the circumstances they would be friends.

"You've been through plenty, just sit tight. It will all be over soon." I don't know if that's meant to reassure Lovelace or sound ominous Jacobi, but if it was the former, you really gotta work on not sounding like the bad guy.

"Blue, being sucked in, process, killed the original captain Lovelace...the door." There you go Doug! I knew he could figure it out! His science fiction knowledge really comes in handy.

That is a big risk, especially since you don't know what these aliens want, or their history with slimy business man and his evil science girlfriend!

Yep. Leap of faith. Scary stuff, especially when your trust has been broken before.

"Why couldn't it be snakes" Doug, be careful what you wish for.

"How could he? After everything we've been through?" Kepler, be serious. You stalked him, brought him expensive Whiskey and sweet talked a desperate and broken man into joining your murder organization, showed him creepy levels of favoritism at various points in time (especially coming from you of all people), and had zero remorse when you let his best friend get killed. That's what you've been through.

"Will he blow us up" "Yeah." "Can you override his override?" "No. He and Maxwell handled that. I trusted them." Yes, Kepler. And they trusted you. Now one of them is dead. Let's think about this for a moment. I'm sure if we all put our heads together, we can get to the bottom of this mystery of why Jacobi has betrayed you for apparently no reason.

Is Kepler's back up plan shooting Jacobi? OH MY GOSH IT IS...AND YOU WONDER WHY HE BETRAYED YOU? Kepler, you moron, he's probably listening to this entire conversation. He might be deciding which side he wants to back at this very moment. Now is the time to act really really sad about Maxwell and very very broken up about how you treated Jacobi. Not openly admit that you threw Maxwell's life away to get what you wanted, and that you'd throw Jacobi's life away to save your own skin. Otherwise, Jacobi might just end up shooting YOU when he walks through that door.

"Who is putting your station in danger?" You Kepler. You are doing this.

"For once in your life, shut up" About time someone said that Kepler.

"You're hurt, we all are. But you don't have to kill anyone." Oh Minkowski, I know you're trying but Duck Boy is not in a rational space right now. He's literally trolley probleming you right now.

Okay now Minkowski is going insane. Minkowski stop. JACOBI STOP.

If Kepler was a better man he would shoot himself to end this instead of muttering "this is crazy" at the drama that he is directly responsible for. He really does not know when to keep his mouth shut, does he?

"It's not too late to change your mind." YES MINKOWSKI. TEACH THEM GOOD MORALS. It's never too late. Thank you, finally, someone gets it.

"After everything he's done, after everything you've done?" Yes, and after everything you've done too, Jacobi.

Tell him Minkowski. "I know who you're angry at. It's you. Because you could have backed down but you didn't. We both did. We killed two people. And that's eating you up inside."

I love this so much.

"We kill them. Whatever orders, whatever they did, we did it. That's what the riddle teaches you. However you make the choice, you still make the choice. The blood is still on your hands." "You know what doesn't help? MORE BLOOD"

The cycle ends here! YES MINKOWSKI!

"What will?" Jacobi is listening! Come on Duck Boy. You're waddling your way there. You can do it!

"Twenty bucks says I figure it out first" is this really happening???? Is this really happening???? Please tell me Duck Boy doesn't relapse. I need someone to come to reason.

She never had a bullet. You never had a bomb.

YES, Shut Kepler up! FINALLY the team up we deserve.

I'm glad Lovelace and Minkowski are checking in on each other. And you two both deserve command. You need each other. You all need each other.

Oh Hera. She missed the whole thing. 😂

"What did I miss?" Well, Jacobi is a sort of good guy now (or at least an ally), Kepler still sucks, and everyone forgot about Doug.

Wait. DOUG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NO DOUG. NO DOUG NO. AT LEAST GO BACK TO THE SHIP AND TALK IT OUT WITH THEM FIRST.

Well that WAS a wild ride. Maybe one of my favorite episodes so far. I can see why y'all were hyping it up.

Episode 54: The Watchtower

Huh. No more pre-episode previews again. And who is this?

Oh Doug. Oh dear. Doug, you poor thing, I'm glad you had a breakthrough but you probably should have talked this through with everyone first.

Doug. Oh Doug. You're the main character and there are a lot of episodes left. You can't just casually throw yourself into the star midway through the season and die like that.

Something is coming out of the star? Reaching out towards, Doug? Oh boy. Well...

...yikes. What is he saying?

Hera is probably listening to this like "oh Doug...Doug what did you do?"

I love how Doug is still talking to Hera. 💕 "Any objections? Good girl." Well that certainly parallels the last chapter...

Wait. Two more stars? Triple star system? That's pretty cool.

Um. What is that? Aliens? ...hopefully nice aliens?

...or not. Oh dear.

...and um. Where is Doug now? Woke up? Woke up from WHAT?

Did the aliens put Doug back in the ship?

Or...is this now clone Doug? I hope not.

Well at least there's breathable air and gravity in this alien hotel.

Mirror? Yeah that is a creepy touch. Considerate, yet creepy.

Self-repairing mirror? Again, cool but creepy. And Doug is prefect for this. They got the movie from YOU MIND Doug. They built this creepy hotel for you, I'm guessing.

And when the alien shows up, I bet it's gonna be one that looks like you or your loved ones given that they used your voice already.

What was that noise?

Are they just keeping him there?

"Let's get our probe on" Doug...they are. What do you think this is?

Yep...alien Doug. Hi alien Doug. :) 👋��

"Tell me this isn't where I die and you take my place. My dad always said I'd die if I wasn't more careful..." it's alright Doug, I've been told that myself plenty of times.

What?

Words. Speak more words.

Why do they need Doug to speak words?

Ah yes. Mirroring and learning. That's what they want. But why? Why Doug?

Crippled by a language limited by what? Yet achieving interstellar momentum? Uh...what? Symbiological base set of language?

Doug singing the alphabet 😂

DIE????

What is die? The concept is unknown? Oh...oh dear. Explain that it's a bad thing Doug. Explain that it's a very bad scary thing.

"I hate it when Kepler and Jacobi are right" Don't we all Doug, don't we all?

Stops existing!

Incomplete understanding of the universe.

Yes, yes, to dust you shall return, no matter is created or destroyed it simply changes form, but you seem very unnaturally calm about this.

All matter is reused and repurposed. Ceasing from existence is not possible. ...well that's true...but...YOU are something else now. YOU are gone. Something else is in your place now.

Bob. Bob. "Limited time?" "Unsuitable for his biology?" So you DO know what death is. Because you understand that a place unsuitable for his biology = no Doug.

Wait. In the NETWORK? WE? Bob. Are you a hive mind?

"You learned to speak English?" "Correct. It has also lead to debate over whether YOU can speak English." Dang, they really came for him there.

The process? Why are you evaluating Doug?

"Terms you can understand may take some time" Well for super intelligent beings, you should be smart enough to dumb it down.

Don't like that laugh. "A place very very far away from here." Interesting.

"The farthest point away from civilized space"

I see. And what exactly does civilized space look like?

"Discomfort should pass quickly" time is relative, so I hope you're right, Bob.

He gave Doug knowledge? Well, that might be a good way to one up Cutter.

Okay transfer between stars...I'm guessing no, because they didn't use the sun. Huh. I was correct.

Red = no, Blue = go. Well, Bob, sometimes the basics are all you need.

Another species. Rearrange matter? I see. So they are basically aliens with god-like powers that join together to form a superpower.

And they're recruiting humans...but they seem unimpressed so far. Why would they...oh.

They want the music don't they? They've never...they don't have music, but they like it for some reason.

Well then just send them up a band, seems like an easy solution.

Examination, evaluation...surrogates of specimens?

"Unnecessarily dramatic description" "The wolf doesn't even know it's a wolf!" "We arranged atoms" "You brought her back from the dead" "The distinction is irrelevant" Doug, please explain it to them. They really did do Lovelace dirty.

OH MY GOSH THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT CUTTER DOES TO PEOPLE. Spy on them, and if he likes them, they get to join his special secret club. And if they don't like you...I think we both know what happens Doug. They DO have a concept of death. They just prefer not to call it that.

"Ideally isolation" Well at least they are semi-ethical.

"If they can't be isolated" "redistribution into different atoms" SEE I KNEW IT. They call it redistribution because they can't accept the moral idea of killing people.

"They are given a new purpose." Bob...Bob this is immoral. This is horrifying.

"Terminology is inadequate" his terminology is spot on Bob.

"Our interest in your species is not moral. It is technological" Yeah Bob, I think you made that VERY clear when you said you were willing to kill everyone on Earth if they didn't play nice.

You don't deserve our music Bob. Not one note. Which is...a sentence I never thought I would type as a reaction to this show, but here we are I guess.

They can turn back time, escape death, and traverse space, but they don't have music Doug! Most of their language isn't auditory. They have it, apparently, but not to the extent where they'd develop it.

Commander Zhung...valued the tech more than anything.

Oh. I'd like to have met Commander Zhung (I hope I'm spelling that right). She sounds...she sounds nice if that was her reaction to hearing music for the first time.

"You haven't figured out sound recording?" No, Doug. "The music?" There you go, Doug.

And um...I think the aliens might be more into the oldies and by oldies I mean the classics Doug. The old school classics. Stick to classical music. Not sure they're ready for rock and roll or rap or pop or country.

In time they'll learn more about each other, slowly. Okay...so they have some time. That's good. 14,000 YEARS? Oh no wonder they don't fear death. They live a ridiculously long time. And yeah Kepler is in for a treat.

And then...he woke up.

But um...where has he woke up? Near the star? But where is the ship?

"Everything is completely under control"

Why...why does Minkowski sound like a robot? I mean, she usually sounds pretty strict before she snaps at Doug for risking his life, but the actress sounds distinctly creepy here, I don't like it.

Creepy music? Hera struggling and begging him to run?

Oh no. Oh no no no no no...Cutter and Pryce came didn't they? Oh no...Oh no...

Oh Cutter, you bastard.

And I don't have time to listen to anymore tonight. Or this weekend, or for a while, gosh DANG IT, BUT THAT WAS SO GOOD.

Well, I hope you guys enjoy this. I have a lot of emotions so I'm gonna post this with no edits and scream about it in a discord chat somewhere. Bye!

[geejaysmith]

So. A very fun and kind of mean idea I had: Alien duplicate zombie!Maxwell.

also look I'm listening thru again and I'm up to episode 41 (will probably be thru season 3 by this afternoon) so I will probably need to tweak this for the exact mechanics at play here but,

So this idea is brazenly stolen from a fanfic that had the other dead crew members get reconstituted after the Hephaestus fell into Wolf 359. And I like that! I like when fiction alters the rules a little and posits death as a change of state rather than a strict ending. Thing is: all the duplicates we've seen, they were created by scanning people who were very much alive (or Isabel, who got too close to the star, and because physics she'd be very dead long before making contact with anything like its surface, but whatever, there's wiggle room there, let's just roll with it). So if they're not scanning a living person, but a dead body... Or bits of one, in Hilbert's case... what then?

And all this is assuming that Maxwell's cadaver was kept in cold storage or otherwise preserved, even if by "preserved" we mean "chucked out the airlock by a crew member under Pryce's mind control" (angst fic writers, that one's free). So let's say that by this point the Dear Listeners have poked around with humans enough to start taking educated guesses at how they're *supposed* to work, and to take some stabs at putting one back together after they stop moving around and making noise. Let's say there's enough structure left intact to guesstimate how the electrical activity in Maxwell's brain would've worked in life. Let's say they can look at their other archived examples and go "okay, so this bit of the hind brain goes here, and this bit of the brain stem goes here, and- hey, humans already have holes in their skulls for like, their sensory input and stuff, do we *really* need to patch the new ones...? Ok, cool. Cool, she's moving around again! ...oh dear, that is not where that electrical charge is supposed to go."

What I'm saying is I'm picturing three different levels of outer zombie-ish-ness ranked on a sliding scale of "OH GOD WHY". I'm partial to the first and second, because (1) I Am An Edgelord, and (2) certain Past Experiences With Fiction make me really picky about preserving the notion that actions in fiction should have consequences, particularly where death is concerned (you know what you did, Andrew).

I'm sorry Renee, but it's way more fun to not let you forget about the Very Rude Thing that you did. I love you, and when I love a fictional character, sometimes I make them suffer for their own good.

The first level leaves it really obvious that this is a corpse that got back up and started walking and talking again. Maybe all Maxwell's organs are functioning as per usual again - maybe not, maybe it's just her brain, and "because aliens" just kind of... patches over the rest for now, because Maxwell 2.0 is still very much a work in progress. The important thing is that the really grizzly gunshot wounds to the head are still there, and Maxwell is just kinda... doing her best to ignore them! It's not a problem as long as everything stays in there where it's supposed to. It's fine! It's fine. This is fine. It's fine.

The second level is "ok, either a dead body, or maybe just somebody who really ought to get out in the sun more often." The most vital systems are basically functioning (albeit with some long-distance extraterrestrial assistance?), but everything else was a lower priority and is taking awhile to figure out how to get going again. You know what a dead body looks like after two weeks in cold storage? Yeah, that. Except, again, she's up and walking around as though it was a lot less than immediately fatal. Will still haunt Minkowski and Jacobi's nightmares, but isn't quite as over-the-top as "oh, pardon my exposed gray matter".

The third level is probably where the Reanimators From Mars' progress will plateau for awhile. Maxwell looks fine, feels fine (maybe a little scatterbrained, maybe like she had a bad concussion, but fine), but look at her too long and you'll get the notion that something's a little off here. Maybe her eyes stay a little clouded, maybe there's a glowing light in the back of them that never totally goes out. Maybe she glows in the dark! That'd be fun.

So yeah. Zombies Kepler, Rachel and Cutter have the advantage of being fresher, with less risk of damage from decomposition, and who even *knows* what's going to happen with Hilbert ("We're still trying to put him back together." Lovelace voice: Keep him.) but by golly this podcast gave me Weird "Clarke's Third Law" Borderline-Supernatural Bullshit and messing with that kind of thing is like catnip to me.

Or, you know, you could just leave the body as is and duplicate it to use as an empty shell to converse with the humans.

But that would just be horribly upsetting.

Wouldn't it? (;