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nicklloydnow · 2 years ago

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“For most of my life I have been a “high-functioning” depressive — so high-functioning, in fact, that it will seem implausible to many, even to those who know me fairly well, to learn of my long psychiatric record. But another way of saying “high-functioning” is “high-performance”, which is to say that I have generally been all-too-aware of the Goffmanian performative dimensions of social life, and have mastered my own performance in the same way I mastered my GPA and the various standardized tests I have had to take: propelled forward only by the fuel of anxiety, self-hatred, and certainty of my own fraudulence.

The intake questionnaires have never really captured my subjective experience of “what’s eating me” very well. They ask: “Do you have trouble getting out of bed?” No. “Have you lost your appetite?” I wish. “Are you able to complete your work tasks?” Always. Some diagnosticians, amateur and professional alike, have rushed to DSM-splain to me that I seem to suffer only from “anxiety” and not from “depression”, but this is a meaningless distinction to me, and I don’t see any reason why a manual that in any case is always in the course of revision, and only captures one way of dividing up psychiatric kinds in a certain place and time, should trump the first-person phenomenology of the condition under diagnosis. Anxiety is the opposite of a good feeling; it’s bad. In the end it may be that eudaimonia and kakodaimonia, good and bad “vibes”, are really the only two conditions with any ontological robustness to them. And even these two elementary states shade into one another in ways that make it extremely hard for a lucid observer of his own condition to put feelings into language. Sometimes the condition of the soul gets so bad that it starts to feel like a sort of ecstasy, in which one has circled all the way back around to communion with the good daimon: the horseshoe theory of depression and mental health.

All self-presentation is performance, but to remain hyper-aware of this at all times is handicapping, and leads to a sharp sense of one’s own fraudulence. The watered-down way to speak of this sense, much invoked in online grousing about the stresses of academia, is in terms of “impostor syndrome”, but that doesn’t quite capture the pervasiveness of the feeling. Those who have this syndrome feel out of place in a particular line of work; those who are depressed feel out of place in the world. “Fake it till you make it” is the jocular advice given to people suffering from mild impostor syndrome, and it is implied that this sort of fakery is not just morally tolerable, but laudable. Yet such dishonesty, like “pride”, straddles a boundary between two different and wholly incompatible moral orientations that somehow continue to co-exist in our society. This is the same divide that tells us, in the name of being a morally upstanding person, both to give away our money, and to save it. Bourgeois liberal philosophy will gaslight you into thinking you must simply not be smart enough if you fail to understand how this incommensurability can be smoothed out. But every now and then the voice of a Kierkegaard breaks through, strong enough to make itself heard through the bullshit, to tell us in no uncertain terms that it is impossible to live in this world, that whatever form of life you choose, you will be wrong.

The great comedian Mitch Hedberg, dead of an overdose at thirty-seven, said of addiction that it is a disease, but a weird one: “It’s the only disease people yell at you for having”. Our man is piercing here right into the heart of the incommensurability in question. In the end, if we cannot help but blame others for things that are beyond their control, this may be because wretchedness is our basic condition, as inevitable as it is blameworthy, and only an ideology —such as the one that has reigned throughout modernity— that stresses our earthly perfectibility will place the wretched in the earthly purgatories of rehab clinics and “correctional institutions” and psychiatric outpatient clinics, where in each case the purported goal is to purge the wretchedness right out of a person.

Today we find it easy to mock humoral medicine, such as Robert Burton’s explanation in his Anatomy of Melancholy (1621) of the condition in question as literally a “surfeit of black bile”. But in truth our facile resort today to the idea that depression is nothing more than “a problem with our brain chemistry” is just as worthy of mockery. It marks nothing more thn a shift in the bodily system held responsible for the psychological state, without any clearer understanding of the social and spiritual dimensions of the state. In fact Burton was vastly more sensitive, in his paramedical reflections on the melancholic life, to all the ways such a life is more than just an imbalance of the humors, than your average prescriber of meds today is sensitive to all the ways in which depression is more than just a matter of serotonin reuptake.

(…)

I will try to describe in a few words what it has been like since then. The most striking thing about this new life is that the whole world looks to me somewhat the way our elementary schools look to us when we revisit them as adults: a place we don’t belong anymore, a place that seems so much smaller and so much more modest than we had once taken it to be, so disenchanted that one is left perplexed as to how it could ever have been the source of such wild flights of the hopeful imagination. Life has a quality now that can only be described as “spectral”. I have sometimes imagined that I must have ended up in one of those refrigerated trucks myself, and everything I’ve experienced since then is just me haunting the old sites of my life, as in the Nicole Kidman vehicle The Others (2001) where she believes her home is infested by poltergeists but slowly comes to realize she and her kids are the ghosts, while the “ghosts” that torment her are just regular human beings.

A second feature of this new “mature” manifestation of depression (as opposed to its “juvenile” expressions in California, New York, Ohio) is what the diagnosticians sometimes call “derealization”. I have moments where I just cannot believe that any of this is real. I used to mock Nick Bostrom’s “simulation hypothesis”; now, most of the time, it seems to me intuitively obvious (if still not for the reasons he thinks) that the world is not at all what we take it to be. This shift manifests itself partly in a collapse of the system of values that had previously enabled me to take seriously all the clamoring after social distinctions —all the prizes and acclaim I used to find it meaningful to seek— that keep our institutions running and our little lives full. But more strongly, at certain moments I find myself literally unable to comprehend how I ever could have taken the social bodies that offer the prizes and acclaim, or indeed the opprobrium and rejection, to be in any sense real.

This derealization surely has something to do with the very real historical process of dematerialization: institutions really are disintegrating as they shift to videoconferencing and e-mail as the primary channels of their endurance. What made universities real for some centuries, for example, were in large part their august edifices. These still exist, generally, but they seem increasingly disconnected from whatever it is we still pretend to be doing under the universitarian banner. Anxiety enables me to keep doing my work under this same banner, but I find myself unable to recall how I once accepted it all, unquestioningly, as real. At its most intense, my incomprehension extends not just to social reality (work, recipes, “sport”, popular entertainments, and most of all politics), but to all reality: I can’t make any sense of what the edifices themselves are supposed to be, or clothes, or utensils. Unlike for Bostrom, most of the time the one thing that does not become “glitchy” for me, does not begin to show signs of its simulated character, is nature. But nature loves to hide, as Heraclitus said, and to have it alone as the one thing that appears real, while suitable for isolated contemplation, is hardly sufficient to provide the experience of community that sustains a properly human life.

A third feature of this mature depression is the way it affects my moral character, no matter how much rhetoric is invested in the idea that it’s “just a disease” like any other. I have already described it as a “disease” that has dishonesty as one of its symptoms. Another symptom is that it makes a person —let’s be frank— a real jerk. In my own case I definitely discern a correlation between the occasional remission of feelings of depression, on the one hand, and my capacity for generosity or big-heartedness on the other. Eric Schwitzgebel has provocatively argued that if you are surrounded by fools, you’re probably a jerk. When I am depressed I tend to conclude from his argument, very much against the grain, that I must be a jerk, because everyone around me is definitely a fool. Schwitzgebel of course means to dispel the idea that others are really fools, by “reducing” their foolishness to a mere effect of the perceiver’s “jerkitude”. But depression militates in favor of a “Copernican revolution” in the new field of jerk theory.

(…)

Here is how the foolishness of humanity manifests itself. We have become familiar in the social-media era with the notion of “copypasta”, where people with no real thoughts of their own simply reproduce the language of others, and attempt to pass this off as political engagement, for example regarding the “problematic” character of Disney princesses. But in deep depression, every human utterance sounds like copypasta; everyone sounds as if they are simply channeling the language of others. Proust thus comes to seem a rare and loyal friend to the isolated depressive, when for example his narrator dissects the new phrases and idiosyncracies in the language of Albertine, to discern, in his own internal Académie Française, exactly who she has been seeing since she returned to Paris from Balbec at the end of summer. She thinks she’s just “being herself”, with all that language; he thinks she’s just delivering so much copypasta.

It is terrifying and alienating to apprehend all language in that way, and the easiest reaction is misanthropy. One is wrong, of course, morally wrong, to react in this way, and the Copernican revolution in this case cannot really succeed. It is, as Schwitzgebel claims, jerkitude that gives rise to the appearance of foolishness, and not foolishness that justifies jerkitude. But depression is a strange disease, and we will never be able to adequately deal with it if we pretend it’s just like diabetes or whatever. Depression makes you a jerk. One should not be a jerk. Ergo, if depression is a disease, it is a disease that it is morally wrong to have.

One of the most peculiar expressions I have learned since moving to France is péter un plomb. This means literally “to fart a lead weight”, and so might seem to suggest a meaning similar to the English “to shit a brick”, but in fact describes something closer to failure, or to an irreversible running out of steam, than to the heroic feat of parturition described by the English idiom. Thus for example if you are sitting outside at a café in Paris, and a rough but still handsome beggar comes to your table and, in perfect classical diction, recites a monologue from Molière, you might say after he has moved on: Il a dû péter un plomb. “He must have farted a chunk of lead”. The idea here is that this mendicant thespian clearly used to “be somebody”, but some bug in his internal program caused him at some point to stray from his path and to take up this new lowly position in the world with only faint vestiges of who he once was. High-functioning depressives might do well to adopt as their mantra Samuel Beckett’s famous line: “I can’t go on, I’ll go on”. But if you have farted your chunk of lead in life, you lose the second half, and are left only with this: “I can’t go on”.”

#depression

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kai-the-foley · 4 days ago

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Kai-yaking through life

Episode One

23/08/2024

I'm going to Quebec in less than two weeks to participate to my first ever theatre festival. That sentence still feels unreal to me, yet I've known about this for the last 6 months.

I've been doing theatre since I was 13. I'm 20. And in less than two weeks I'm taking a flight to another continent to perform alongside professionals comedians.

When I come back home, I' going to participate in =my region's biggest ever choir: around 1000 people coming together to sing.

Then I'll get back into singing lessons, start ukulele lessons and an aromatherapy course.

When I got out of school nearly three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my time here. Now I think I know. I might have to work odd jobs alongside this, but no matter how much capitalism tries to convince me that if you're not in Hollywood you have no chance as an artist, my ambitions are set. Over the last 2 years I've met some amazing people, many of which are t least part-time artists, and a good chunk of those were along my age, at most 6 years older. That showed me it's possible.

Now, those last 2 years (not counting the first of the 3 years, as I was recovering from severe depression) have been... volatile maybe could be a word to describe them? I've found a reason to get up[ in the morning (multiple even), but I wasn't too sure what to do with them. So I settled into a nice little in-between area of life and made it my comfort zone. I'm still not too sure of how, but I've decided to do something with these reasons to live. To enjoy them and build my life around them. I kind of started doing that: I started going to shows a lot more, going to events, creating again, seeing friends and doing fun stuff with them... But I was missing something. I was treating all of that as a side thing. It was more of how I saw my life outside school when I was still in it than my life period.

Except I'm not at school anymore. So outside of that, I felt trapped. By boredom, but also by the impending doom of not knowing what to do with my life.

Sometimes we fail to see the door right in front of us until it hits us in the face. The concerts I participated to for Music Day in my town was the start of me hitting the door. Including that one pro musician who played with us taking me aside to tell me I had potential and should really shoot my shot in music - and not just as a hobby.

The festival being in 2 weeks makes it very real. And that's the rest of the hit.

So, I'm an artist! What now? Well I still have a lot of stuff to figure out, both pertaining to that and just, the rest of my messy life in general.

First I'll focus on the festival. Then, I'll rest and focus on the choir. Once that's done and I'm settled in my courses, I'll start other things. In the meantime though, I am working on an action plan that'll probably have its own post.

Amongst the individual things I'd like to tackle are: making my space feel fully mine again, make my own clothing patterns, make my own clothing, make costumes/cosplays, start an online esoteric shop, publish a book, celebrates the Sabbats more, code my own portfolio, and run a blog. At least it's what comes to mind right now.

Posting this, my adventure has officially started... And I welcome you to come along if you so wish!

Read you soon, Kai 🧭🌟

#kai posts #kai journals

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smokin-symbiotes · 4 months ago

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October Horror Movies #8

'Ghostwatch' (1992) - Dir. Lesley Manning

Summary: The BBC runs a live special covering a real-life haunting in a suburban British home, only to quickly discover the haunting is dangerously real.

'Ghostwatch' is a mockumentary presented as a live BBC broadcast on the Halloween of 1992. It's not just a spooky prank that would trick its viewers, but a tight, 90 minute horror feature with a message.

Much like 'The Blair Witch Project', the conciet of 'Ghostwatch' is that we are watching real documentation of a haunting, which is released to an unsuspecting and unaware public. Whereas 'BWP' had a massive marketing campaign which created a smokescreen for the true nature of the film (including a website which documented fake reports and mythos about the titular witch and its doomed filmmakers), 'Ghostwatch' appears to just have been dropped on the British public without warning.

A big thing that helped sell 'Ghostwatch's reality was having real BBC presenters and celebrities play themselves; this includes Michael Parkinson, Sarah Greene, Mike Smith, and comedian and actor Craig Charles. Gillian Bevan also stars as parapsychologist Dr. Lin Pascoe. She is investigating the haunting of the Early family, which includes Pamela and her two daughters, Kim and Suzanne.

Now, I haven't seen a single second of '90s BBC broadcasting in my whole life, so I can't speak to how convincing they were as themselves, but they played their roles very straight and very well. They felt like real broadcasters going into a Halloween special expecting something fun and light-hearted, only for their professional artifice to be peeled back layer by layer. Greene, as the reporter in the house, embodies this degradation perfectly.

I think 'Ghostwatch's primary concern is the horror of virality, of how the media ecosystem can degrade people and turn them into ghastly spectacles. The constant attention negatively impacts their wellbeing, and can cause them to lash out and behave in ways they normally wouldn't.

That's the foundation of the movie. The Early family, who's concerns have been dismissed by their local government, turn to the media to get their story out. A great deal of attention is drawn to how, before they appear on BBC, they are made fodder for the tabloids and painted as "crazy." The eldest early child, Suzanne, begins making noises to provide a spectacle for the reporters so that she can keep them there, so they can witness the real paranormal events when they finally happen. The main BBC reporter, Parkinson, begins grilling this child, to which she responds, crying, "It's what you wanted, wasn't it? We just gave you what you wanted!" Shortly after this, the haunting of the poltergeist, "Pipes," shifts into full gear: they get what they wanted, indeed.

Circling to the ghost of 'Ghostwatch', Pipes' main objective ties into virality. To grow its power, it wishes to manifest itself in the homes of every single person watching the "live" broadcast. Media isn't just for entertaining spectacles, but it can be hijacked by nefarious forces and do tangible harm.

The movie is effective at building tension before letting itself loose on you. The first hour is all build-up: we are enticed with footage of the ghost wreaking havoc in the girls' bedroom, we're given grisly stories about the history of the town and Early's home, Suzanne's pranks create a perfect misdirect, and we also get flashes of Pipes' bloody, looming figure throughout the entire program. Sometimes it's in a crowd, other times it's up close in the camera for less then a second.

The last half-hour is when the entire home is thrown into chaos, with the ghost manipulating the girls into staying, keeping the cameras locked on its spectacle. Its evil spreads through the British public, spreading paranoia and violence. The family and crew are eventually evacuated, but not before Suzanne and Greene disappear beneath the crawlspace where pipes resides: the death of a child, and the fact Greene's husband, Mike Smith, is forced to watch his wife vanish is particularly disturbing.

Out of all the movies I watched so far, I think 'Ghostwatch' has been the most "spooky." Like "A Turn of the Screw," it's a ghost story for the modern age, capitalizing on society's fears of a vast media landscape that can be hijacked—or haunted.

#ghostwatch #horror #horror movies #october

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monstermaster13 · 2 years ago

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Corey and Oats VS Tepum’Alah the Putrid.

Everyone’s favorite duo loved going on adventures including imaginary ones, and they always defended their owner Mel whenever she dealt with online problems. One morning Mel was having troubles with a petulant user from a discord server known as Tepum’Alah, who hated Mel and Nathan for no reason apart from the fact that Nathan wrote stories about Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi who he shared a similar interest in.

He was delusional and he thought that Nathan’s stories were fetishizing the two comedians, of course Corey and Oats knew better. They heard Mel crying that morning and decided to comfort her. ‘What’s wrong, mommy?’ Oats asked. ‘It’s Tepum, he is an annoying little tool and I wish he’d go away forever.’ ‘What did he say?’ ‘He said that we shouldn’t write stories that fetishize John and Dan because he thinks it’s gross and that I need professional help.’

“Ugh…I hate people like that.”

“Me too.”

Corey and Oats floated over to Carmela who was on duty that morning, telling her that Mel had been bullied. Carmela sympathized with the duo as Oats explained everything. ‘This person doesn’t like our adventures, what should we do? We have tried everything.’ ‘Blocking works on Discord but we can still see his comments.’ ‘Yeah, he posted a nasty comment on Nathan’s tiktok telling him if he doesn’t stop harassing him he will take action.’ ‘Don’t take him seriously, ignore him, or teach him it is not okay to do such things.’

“How?”

“We can use the wish-granter.”

The duo floated over into the bedroom and pulled out their mystical wish-granting item from the box. ‘Oh wish-granter, we seek your assistance, we are dealing with a bully problem.’ ‘So you want to scare some sense into a pesky adversary, well you’ve come to the right wish-granter, i’ll make sure that he should be wary he’s in for something scary.’

‘We wish to haunt him as ghosts and show him the errors of his ways.’ ‘I can do that for you.’ The wish-granter used his powers to transform Corey and Oats along with Mel into ghosts. ‘Awesome.’ ‘Now tell me who you wish to haunt.’ ‘Tepum’Alah the Putrid.’

A ghost portal materialized in the wall and they went right through it, entering what appeared to be a haunting zone. Corey looked into the viewing screen and saw Tepum in there, he had long blackish hair and looked like a typical scene/emo wannabe, he had a poster of the father from Suicide Shop on his wall as well as a figure of the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on his desk.

He was in his bed, no doubt sleeping and having obviously disturbing wet dreams about said characters. That was when Corey and Oats entered through the walls…Corey possessed the Childcatcher figure that was on the desk. ‘Teeeeeepum, Teeeeepum.’ Tepum was awoken from his dream by the ghostly moans.

“Huh? What’s going on? How do you know my name?”

“It is i…the childcatcher, you have been a naughty boy, Tepum.”

‘My husbando is real and is talking to me? Am I dreaming?’ ‘It’s gross that you think of me as your husbando. I am a character made to frighten NOT give you a sexual awakening. Why do you fetishize me?’ ‘I can’t help it…something messed me up as a kid and I thought you were sexy.’ ‘You’re a disgrace to fandoms, you know that, right?’

Tepum panicked as he saw the figure moving on its own along with a doll of Ed Grimley. ‘I must say that you find you detestable.’ The doll’s head spun around in an Exorcist-like manner. ‘No, not you…you’re supposed to like that I love you so much.’

Oats made a poster of Martin Short come to life…’Love you? I could never let someone as disgusting as you be a fan of mine. You bully Nathan and pick on him for no reason other than you dislike his stories, you won’t stop ratting about him to your friends on the Simp Central server.’

“Stop this or i’ll…”

“You’ll what? Threaten to take action? We are not harassing you, we are teaching a lesson.”

‘Exactly..and you cannot use the screenshots you took of Nathan’s comments to back up your claims.’ ‘Well he gave me access to his email so he could look at my Vincent Price headcanons.’ ‘No, he didn’t, you left a fucking link for your doc on your tumblr blog for all to see, it’s your fault and now you are paying for it.’

‘It doesn’t matter, once my mutuals are informed of how much of a creep your friend is.’ ‘I’m sorry but you cannot force your mutuals to agree with everything that you say, they have their own opinions and thoughts and guess what, you are the only one on the server that hates Nathan.’

“He’s creepy and needs therapy, he holds a grudge against me.”

“And you have held a grudge against him since 2021.”

‘DjannA’kro didn’t start hating Nathan until you told him to, you told an admin to do it. He should have kicked YOU instead. I am just saying if you want to be left alone and left out of this. You should have apologized and not carried on like that.’ ‘I’ll just tell the admins.’ ‘They won’t believe you, they’ll just think you’re insane.’

Mel manifested next to the duo…’Oh yes, they’ll definitely think you are insane alright, I mean no sane person would ever admit to having a thing for the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. What, was your mother drunkenly saying she had a thing for him when she showed you that movie or something?’

Corey made the curtains sprout vines that dragged Tepum off the bed and onto the floor. ‘You better not whine and you better listen up because we are going to scare you straight.’ Just then Tepum’s boyfriend who was actually just some poor guy he brainwashed into being his boyfriend, because Tepum was actually a lesser knockoff elder god that had been stuck in the form of a whiny human hence why he acted the way he did. ‘Do something about it.’ Tepum whined to his boyfriend.

‘Forget it, I had to put up with your stupidity for years. You took me away form my family, removed my soul, brainwashed me into serving you and just because you had to be a dirty perv, you brainwashed me into being your boyfriend. I’ m straight and I never loved you, ever.’ ‘Nooo, say it isn’t true.’ Tepum’s boyfriend nodded and told him he was through with him, taking down all the things he had given him and leaving the apartment.

‘Tepum…we know the real reason you do this, you do this because you hate all the attention the actual elder gods get as opposed to you. You can’t stand how popular Cthulhu is and you want to be as loved as he is, but the difference is, Cthulhu is a monster who is actually really nice, and you are a monster who pretends to be really nice but is malicious.’ ‘Oh alright, fine…you got me. I am not really this stupid whiny excuse for a human being. I pretend to be like that because i’m stuck in this form.’

“There there, it’s alright.”

“We are just here to scare you into being a better person.”

The duo nodded as Tepum took Oats’s hand, the duo floated off and entered into one of many nightmare-scapes, in this nightmare-scape he saw a group of Dan Aykroyd characters having dinner together. ‘Mmm…that looks delicious. What’s on the menu?’

The salesman from the Bass-O-Matic segment along with J.P Valkenheiser looked at him with evil glares…’You are.’ ‘What?’ A Dan Aykroyd doppelganger in a chef’s outfit revealed what was on the plate, it was a flayed corpse that looked exactly like Tepum’s human form. ‘That’s me? They’re eating me?’ ‘Well yes, of course they are. You have always said that you’d love to have a piece of Dan for yourself, and now Dan’s characters are having a piece of YOU.’

Pa Tex took a piece of the Tepum corpse’s hand and began to lick the finger…’Mmmm, fingerlicking good.’ Tepum threw up and then begged Corey to show him something else. Corey showed him another nightmare-scape which showed him in an asylum being tested by a demented koala therapist played by Mel’s friend Eucalyptus.

‘Is this where I am headed if I don’t stop acting like this?’ ‘Yes, your bad behavior is the cause of this, by putting the blame on Nathan, you ignore that it is your own fault.’ Corey explained, showing him the cell he’d most likely end up in. ‘I am sorry if what I did was horrible. I realized that pretending to be like this all the time wasn’t a good way to deal with my feelings of jealousy.’

Mel smiled, knowing that he had apologized. ‘Very good. There is only one person left to apologize to.’ She explained to him as the ghost of John Belushi appeared. ‘Tepum, Mel told me about what you said and how you treated Nathan. Not only did you disrespect me by calling me Dan’s deceased best friend but you act like you know how me and Dan would react to stories about us. Nobody tells us what to do, we are our own person. You were barely even born yet when I was alive, how do you even know I passed away?’ ‘Sorry John.’ ‘Second..don’t mess with my best friend, nobody messes with my best friend.’

John’s ghost pulled a series of scary faces as he lurched towards Tepum, stretching his face and turning into a demonic monster face with sharp teeth, and also showing him a series of nightmare-scapes like the one he was correctly stuck in, all of which showed what could happen to him if he acted the way he did.

Tepum finally realized he made a mistake, immediately losing his fake whiny fanboy personality and he decided that he wanted a change of heart, as a knockoff elder god he wasn’t satisfied with the form he got stuck into and he wanted a new one. ‘We can give you a new one.’

Corey, Mel and Oats used their powers to transform him into a brand new form, turning Tepum’s human form into a supernatural version of Dan Aykroyd just like how Nathan wrote Aykroyd tfs in his stories. The transformation was one that felt really good to him as well and he felt much better thanks to them and he hugged them.

“There we go.”

“Much better.”

‘I have learned my lesson now.’ Corey and Oats smiled as they floated in the air and took Tepum home back to his apartment which slowly transformed to go with his reformed personality and he looked over at them and appreciated what they had done.

Tepum thanked the duo and told them from now on he wouldn’t bully anyone ever again and he apologized to Nathan, and all of his accounts got removed, and new accounts were set up as a result. ‘We did a good job, don’t you think so?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You have shown me that being horrible to others isn’t the way.’

“That’s right.”

The duo said goodbye to him along with Mel as they floated away, floating through the ghost portal and heading back home, their work was done and the lesson had been learned.

When they arrived home at Nile Road, they decided to have breakfast and they relaxed for a bit and got dressed for the day. They decided to play some games on the computer for a couple of hours, followed by some music jam sessions. Furthermore, they had lunch afterwards followed by afternoon tea, they went on a mini-adventure in the afternoon and watched movies, they chatted to their online friends and had a nice time.

They relaxed and listened to music for a bit, writing some more stories before dinner. When dinner arrived they all gathered at the table, after dinner they emailed Jill about their adventure and relaxed. They had karaoke sessions and hugged and played together.

An hour later after that they relaxed before going into the bedroom and getting ready for bed, Corey put on his bat onesie and Oats put on his pink night-gown as they went into the bathroom to brush their teeth, after that they picked a friend to go to bed with them.

When it was bedtime, they got into bed with Mel and snuggled up and had a nice time, they drifted off to sleep and had sweet dreams. In their dreams they went on a fun musical adventure with their microbial friends/family members.

Our adventure ends here but there are more adventures coming up. But today’s adventure has taught you an important lesson, bullying other people just because you don’t like what they write about or what they like to talk about isn’t nice, if you want the person you hate to leave you alone, maybe you should leave them alone first, or be haunted by your consequences for the rest of your life.

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warningsine · 2 years ago

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If you studied art history or another of the humanities in the 1990s or 2000s — say, if you are around the age of the Australian comic Hannah Gadsby, 45 — you may remember the word “problematic” from your long-ago seminar days. Back then it was a voguish noun, borrowed from French, that described the unconscious structure of an ideology or a text. Soon, though, like so many other efforts to think critically, “the problematic” got left behind in this century’s great shift from reading to scrolling. These days we encounter “problematic” exclusively as an adjective: an offhand judgment of moral disapproval, from a speaker who can’t be bothered by precision.

A whole cast of professional art workers — conservators, designers, guards, technicians — has been roped in to produce “It’s Pablo-matic: Picasso According to Hannah Gadsby,” a small exhibition opening Friday at the Brooklyn Museum. (It is a title so silly that I cannot even type it; I am cutting and pasting.) The show, one of many worldwide timed to the 50th anniversary of the Spanish artist’s death in 1973, is essentially a light amusement following on from “Nanette,” a Netflix special from 2018. In that routine, a sort of blend of stand up and TED Talk, Gadsby riffed on having “barely graduated from an art history degree,” at the bachelor’s level, and attempted a takedown of the Spanish artist: “He’s rotten in the face cavity! I hate Picasso! I hate him!” Now this entertainer has come through the museum doors, but if you thought Gadsby had something to say about Picasso, the joke — the only good joke of the day, in fact — is on you.

Like the noun-turned-adjective “problematic,” this new exhibition backs away from close looking for the affirmative comforts of social-justice-themed pop culture. At the Brooklyn Museum you will find a few (very few) paintings by Picasso, plus two little sculptures and a selection of works on paper, suffixed with tame quips by Gadsby on adjacent labels. Around and nearby are works of art made by women, almost all made after Picasso’s death in 1973; finally, in a vestibule, clips from “Nanette” play on a loop. That’s the whole exhibition, and anyone who was expecting this to be a Netflix declension of the Degenerate Art Show, with poor patriarchal Picasso as ritualized scapegoat, can rest easy. There’s little to see. There’s no catalog to read. The ambitions here are at GIF level, though perhaps that is the point.

So far as it has an argument — a problematic — it goes like this: Pablo Picasso was an important artist. He was also something of a jerk around women. And women are more than “goddesses or doormats,” as Picasso brutally had it; women, too, have stories to tell. I wish there was more to inform you of, but that’s really about the size of it. All the feminist scholarship of the last 50 years — about repressed desire, about phallic instability, or even just about the lives of the women Picasso loved — is put to one side, in favor of what really matters: your feelings. “Admiration and anger can coexist,” a text at the show’s entrance reassures us.

That Picasso, probably the most written about painter in history, was both a great artist and a not-so-great guy is so far from being news as to qualify as climate. What matters is what you do with that friction, and “It’s Pablo-matic” does not do much. For a start, it doesn’t assemble many things to look at. The actual number of paintings by Picasso here is just eight. Seven were borrowed from the Musée Picasso in Paris, which has been supporting shows worldwide for this anniversary; one belongs to the Brooklyn Museum; none is first-rate. There are no other institutional loans besides a few prints brought over the river from MoMA. What you will see here by Picasso are mostly modest etchings, and even these barely display his stylistic breadth; more than two dozen sheets come from a single portfolio, the neoclassical Vollard Suite of the 1930s.

Unsigned texts in each gallery provide basic invocations of gender discrimination in art museums, or the colonial legacy of European modern art, while next to individual works Gadsby offers signed banter. These labels function a bit like bathroom graffiti, or maybe Instagram captions. Beside one classicizing print of Picasso and his lover Marie-Thérèse Walter: “I’m so virile my chest hair just exploded.” Beside a reclining nude: “Is she actually reclining? Or has she just been dropped from a great height?”

There’s a fixation, throughout, on genitals and bodily functions. Each sphincter, each phallus, is called out with adolescent excitement; with adolescent vocabulary, too. What jokes there are (“Meta? Hardly know her!”) remain juvenile enough to leave Picasso unscathed. The adults involved at the Brooklyn Museum (principally its senior curators Lisa Small and Catherine Morris, Gadsby’s collaborators here) really could have reined in this immaturity, though to their credit, they’ve at least fleshed out the show with some context on the cult of male genius or the rise of feminist art history in the 1970s.

The trouble is obvious, and entirely symptomatic of our back-to-front digital lives: For this show the reactions came first, the objects reacted to second. A show that started with pictures might make you come to wonder — following the pioneering feminist art historian��Linda Nochlin — why Picasso’s paintings of women are generally lacking in desire, quite unlike the pervy paintings of Balthus, Picabia and other cancelable midcentury gents. A show properly engaged with feminism and the avant-garde might have turned to Lyubov Popova, Natalia Goncharova, Nadezhda Udaltsova or Olga Rozanova: the remarkable Soviet women artists who put Picasso’s breakdown of forms in the service of political revolution. A more serious look at reputation and male genius might have introduced a work by at least one female Cubist: perhaps Alice Bailly, or Marie Vassilieff, or Alice Halicka, or Marie Laurencin, or Jeanne Rij-Rousseau, or María Blanchard, or even Australia’s own Anne Dangar.

Instead, “It’s Pablo-matic” contents itself to stir in works by women from the Brooklyn Museum collection. These seem to have been selected more or less at random, and include a lithograph by Käthe Kollwitz, a photograph by Ana Mendieta, an assemblage by Betye Saar, and Dara Birnbaum’s “Technology/Transformation: Wonder Woman,” a video art classic of 1978/79 whose connection to Picasso is beyond me. (At least two paintings here, by Nina Chanel Abney and Mickalene Thomas, draw on the example of Manet, not Picasso.) The artists who made them have been reduced here, in what may be this show’s only true insult, into mere raconteurs of women’s lives. “I want my story to be heard,” reads a quotation from Gadsby in the last gallery; the same label lauds the “entirely new stories” of a new generation.

This elevation of “stories” over art (or at least comedy) was the principal thrust of “Nanette,” a Sydney stand-up routine which became an American viral success during the last presidency, shortly after the wrongdoings of Harvey Weinstein were finally exposed. “Nanette” proposed a therapeutic purpose for culture, rejecting the “trauma” of telling jokes in favor of the three-act resolution of “stories.” It directly analogized Picasso to then-President Trump: “The greatest artist of the twentieth century. Let’s make art great again, guys.” It even averred that Picasso, and by extension all the old masters, suffered from “the mental illness of misogyny.” (Given this pathologization of Picasso, it is very intriguing that Gadsby has described the Brooklyn Museum show as their own deeply desired act of sexual violence against the man from Málaga, telling Variety: “I really, really want to stick one up him.”)

Most bizarrely, the routine rested on a condemnation of art as an elite swindle, and modernism got it particularly hard. “CUUU-bism,” went Gadsby’s mocking refrain, to reliable audience laughter. (As it is, Picasso’s own Cubist art appears at the Brooklyn Museum through a single 6-by-4.5-inch engraving.) The sarcasm, from a comedian with moderate art historical bona fides, had a purpose: It gave Gadsby’s audience permission to believe that avant-garde painting was actually a big scam. “They’re all cut from the same cloth,” Gadsby told the audience in “Nanette”: “Donald Trump, Pablo Picasso, Harvey Weinstein” — and the art you never liked in the first place could be dismissed as the flimflam of a cabal of evil men.

Not long ago, it would have been embarrassing for adults to admit that they found avant-garde painting too difficult and preferred the comforts of story time. What Gadsby did was give the audience permission — moral permission — to turn their backs on what challenged them, and to ennoble a preference for comfort and kitsch.

So who should be most brassed off by this show? Not Picasso, who gets out totally unharmed. But the women artists in the museum’s collection dragooned into this minor prank, and the generations of women and feminist art historians — Rosalind Krauss, Anne Wagner, Mary Ann Caws, hundreds more — who have devoted their careers to thinking seriously about modern art and gender. Especially at the Brooklyn Museum, whose engagement with feminist art is unique in New York, I left sad and embarrassed that this show doesn’t even try to do what it promises: put women artists on equal footing with the big guy.

“My story has value,” Gadsby said in “Nanette”; and then, “I will not allow my story to be destroyed”; and then, “Stories hold our cure.” But Howardena Pindell, on view here, is much more than a storyteller; Cindy Sherman, on view here, is much more than a storyteller. They are artists who, like Picasso before them, put ideas and images into productive tension, with no reassurance of closure or comfort. The function of a public museum (or at least it should be) is to present to all of us these women’s full aesthetic achievements; there is also room for story hour, in the children’s wing.

#pablomatic #art

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uiruu · 4 years ago

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i wish i was an artist

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orionsangel86 · 2 years ago

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I cant express enough how much I LOVE what Strictly Come Dancing has become. Never used to watch it for years cos it was always kinda the same ya know? Celebs and dancers, all opposite gender, you occassionally had a bigger bodied person but they rarely got far, never had any disabled or impaired guests, and usually the older guests were considered "joke acts".

But after last year with Rose and John, this year we've got a m/m couple, Ellie Simmonds who is a person with dwarfism, and this weeks show finished with Jayde Adams, a plus size lesbian comedian who is dancing with a woman professional, doing flashdance. Flashdance!

She did it perfectly imo.

I remember being the fat girl when I used to go to a theatre group as a teenager. Ill never forget the week where we were taught flashdance. As the fat girl, I struggled. I was given no extra support, and I felt like the instructors saw me as a burden they wanted to hide away in the corner. It left a bit of a mark on me tbh.

Seeing Jayde do that dance, and with a female partner no less, got me so choked up. She looked beautiful. She danced brilliantly. She wiggled her hips and owned that dance floor and struck the final pose just like the movie - with the one difference being a plus size silhouette. My god I wish I could have seen that when I was 16 years old.

Strictly Come Dancing is finally worth watching. Its finally actually acting on the message its been preaching for decades. Anyone can dance, with anyone, to anything. Dances can be adapted, can be tweaked to suit the couple, to support those with disabilities and impairments.

Watching Rose and Giovanni dance last year was so meaningful, I can't imagine what it much have felt like for deaf and hard of hearing people to see someone like them go on to win the show. Watching John and Johannes get to the finale and be able to perform sensual and intimate dances together as two men without shame was breathtaking.

Now this year I get to watch a plus size lesbian stick it to naysayers and dance a famously sexy dance with a female partner.

Watching it is such a joyful experience now, its a celebration and its so much fun. If you can watch it, you must. It will leave you feeling uplifted, happy, and inspired. Even if you don't know a single bloody "celebrity" in the line up!

#strictly come dancing #never thought id wax poetic about a bbc dancing show #but here we are #also ill have you know that before ofmd there was john and johannes #i was rooting for gay pirates as early as October 2021 #so there you go #trendsetters #representation #lgbtqia #fat positivity

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itscupidsaki · 4 years ago

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Astrosology Observations 1 Good fortune theme

Disclaimer: I am not a professional astrologer and I am doing these for fun. This post is based off my own observations and experiences that I’ve had with the signs. They are just my opinions and shouldn’t be taken as a fact.✨

🌸 Capricorn placements as children, might have acted or appeared older and more mature. They might also have had to take on responsibilities from a young age.

🛍 Leo suns want to appear supportive and strong to others. Even though they might be insecure or sensitive, they don’t like showing it or people seeing them as ‘vulnerable’.

🎀 Aquarius placements could have been an outcast or have been bullied for being or looking ‘different’ and ‘weird’.

👛 In their youth, libra placements might have been that friend that chose to be neutral in friend group fights, not favouring one over the other. This might have made them come across as ‘two-faced’, ‘flaky’, or ‘fake’, even though their intentions were to be nice to everyone.

🌸 Virgo placements can be too harsh on themselves, as they prefer the best possible results for outcomes. A lot of Virgo’s I’ve noticed, tend to be well liked among communities, without needing to put the effort in.

🍧 Sagittarius moons are the type of people to crack jokes all the time and effortlessly make people laugh. They could say the most unfunniest thing and still be the funniest people in the room. Virgo moons also like being comedians within their groups.

🍥 Gemini placements are the definition of clowns. They could even have been class clowns.

💝 Cancer moon children are so sensitive. If you say one thing to hurt their feelings they’ll start screaming.

🌸 Cancer placements in public settings can be some of the most mature and calm people.

🛍 Taurus placements give off this energy as if everything is fine. It can be very difficult to tell if they are going through something. You usually won’t know unless they tell you. They’re very good at concealing their emotions.

🎀 Taurus men are so stubborn, they don’t like apologising. They’re very goofy though.

👛 Scorpio sun men like to feel like they’re helping you in some way. They like when you need their support or advice.

🌸 Scorpio placements in general like to give people advice or aid. They like playing therapist too. Almost all Scorpio suns and moons I’ve met have a staring thing. They just like to sit and stare at people.

🍧 Scorpio risings in my opinion don’t come off as intimidating. They’re actually quite friendly and open, but are still quite secretive of what information they tell you.

🍥 Gemini placements have the most unpredictable mood swings. One minute they’re happy, then next minute they’re upset over something and It’s difficult to know what they need, as their mind is often somewhere else.

💝 Aries literally give off warrior vibes. Like people can literally feel their Mars energy and authenticity. Similarly to Leo’s, they don’t like being perceived as ‘vulnerable’ or ‘weak’ to others.

🌸 My art class was literally full of Scorpios, Aquariuses, Pisces and cancers. They’re all very creative and artistic.

✨ All images were taken from Pinterest ✨

I wish the best blessings on you all, free of all negative thoughts and feelings. Become at peace with yourselves. Let’s all become beautiful, wealthy individuals. We don’t just live in luxury, we are the luxury.

Lots of love and luck

ItsCupidSaki 🏹

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cheesy09 · 3 years ago

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[CN] Kiro's S2 Fledgling Debut Project

🌸 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for content that hasn't been released on the EN server yet! 🌸

[Note: This company project was translated with the help of Google Translate!]

[Stage 1: New to the entertainment industry]

Anna: Boss, the information about the new artists signed this week is on your desk.

MC: Okay, I'll take a look.

Around [Company Name]'s future development, the company held several high-level meetings recently, and finally reached an agreement. This year's goal was to cultivate new recruits so that the company could have more outstanding artists in addition to Kiro.

I opened the artists' information on the table and read them carefully. The spring breeze passed through the panes. The office was brightly lit and filled with the smell of spring vegetation. But suddenly, the tip of my nose breathed in the sweet smell of apple candy.

Without looking up, I flipped through another page of information with my fingertips and smiled lightly.

MC: Why is the big star free to come to the company today? Is the new album finished?

There was a rustling sound above my head. I looked up and met a pair of blue eyes full of smiles.

Kiro: After the recording, Savin said that my recent schedule was completely clear. I was worried about losing my job, so I came to the company to see if the boss could arrange any work for me~

His gaze turned to the artist profile on my desk and I knew he had seen the good-looking photos of the junior in the profile.

The next second, he turned his head to look at me, clearly smiling, but he deliberately prolonged his tone in a false manner.

Kiro: Unexpectedly... the boss is actually signing in new artists. Is it because the benefits I bring to the company are not enough?

He played a young brother in a drama, and recently, he enjoys pulling me into this kind of play-acting.

I also sighed and followed him.

MC: Alas, we have no choice! This family runs a big business, and the company can't just let you support it alone.

MC: Kiro, you have to understand the hardships of being a boss.

I stared at Kiro sincerely, and after three seconds, we couldn't help laughing.

Kiro: HAHAHA! Miss Chips' acting skills are getting better and better. Do you want to consider making a cameo in my movie next time?

MC: Forget it, dealing with the company's affairs is hectic enough. Let professional actors do that kind of magnificent thing~

Kiro picked up the data sheet in front of me, looked at it, and sighed.

Kiro: Their qualifications seem to be pretty good.

MC: Mm, I also think they are all malleable talents.

Looking at Kiro, who was carefully studying the information of the juniors in front of me, I slowly came up with an idea from the bottom of my heart.

MC: Kiro, do you want to instruct a newcomer as a senior?

Kiro: I'm Kiro. Starting from today, as your senior, I'll be instructing you for a while.

Kiro: Before this, I read your resumes. Wen Ke's vocal music class scores are very high, Yang Han has six years of classical dance foundation, and Yu Xixi's performance class is the first in his major.

Kiro: But results do not represent wishes. What direction do you want to develop in? I would like to hear your views first.

In the spacious conference room, three nervous young people sat across Kiro and I. This was our first meeting.

Perhaps they met Kiro on the first day they entered the company. Surprise and nervousness alternated on their faces, and it took a long time for someone to break the silence tremblingly.

Yu Xixi: In-instructor Kiro, my name is Yu Xixi. My dream is to become a comedian!

Wen Ke: Instructor Kiro! I want to make a living with my face!

Yang Han: I... I hope to be on variety shows and get exposure quickly!

MC: .....

Kiro: .....

I frowned. My eyes fell on their dazzling data sheet, and I listened to Kiro's doubts.

Kiro: I have read your resumes. You are all very qualified and have achieved enough excellence in your respective fields of expertise. Why don't you want to continue to develop?

They looked at each other, and after a while, three weak voices sounded in the office.

Crowd: ...It's too difficult.

Yang Han glanced at Kiro first, as if he mustered up the courage to speak.

Yang Han: Instructor Kiro, only one superstar has been born over the years. Everyone can see that your talent is unparalleled.

Yang Han: But we... are not you and cannot be you.

Yu Xixi: We are very diligent and hardworking, and we have only achieved excellence. We don't have your outstanding talent, so we won't be able to be popular as soon as we make our debut.

Wen Ke: Our only wish is to become famous as soon as possible in the ruthless entertainment industry... No matter what method is used.

[Stage 2: Tailored plan]

Kiro: MC, am I asking too much of my juniors?

In the snack bar below the company, Kiro bit off a piece of broccoli in one bite, frowning with a stuffed up mouth.

Kiro: Or am I getting old? Is there already a gap between the current generation and the younger one?

It was the first time I heard that Kiro felt that he was getting old, and for that reason, I couldn't help laughing.

MC: Trust me, it's not your fault. There are indeed many ways to become famous in this circle. Those whose light can be seen, those whose light cannot be seen.

MC: But only those who have been working hard to do what they like, and only those who truly love, can have light within themselves.

I put down my chopsticks and looked at Kiro, who was pitiful because he was about to shoot a new MV for his new song, so he could only drink water and eat vegetables.

He swallowed the broccoli and nodded thoughtfully.

Kiro: That being the case, let's work out a new training plan for them. Help them explore that path to the future.

Kiro: Boss, this is the training plan I made after I got home yesterday, look at it.

Kiro arrived at the company early in the morning and led me to the conference room. He wore black-rimmed glasses, sat in a chair and looked at me without blinking.

Infected by him, I involuntarily grew solemn and browsed the documents in my hand.

Kiro's plan was very detailed, and there was basically no problem. When I turned to the last page, I suddenly stopped.

I raised my head to look at Kiro, but he looked calm.

MC: Whether from the perspective of the company or from a personal standpoint, I want to say that you don't have to sacrifice so much for the development of newcomers.

MC: You will always come first.

MC: Do you want to think over this last part again?

But he stretched out his hand and pushed his black-rimmed glasses, winking at me.

Kiro: This is the first time that I've been in charge of teaching tasks with MC. I'm looking forward to the final results.

His gaze fell on the last page of the plan. His face was a bit serious and his voice was soft.

Kiro: And as a senior, this is what I should do.

He insisted so much that I had to agree. Just as the door of the conference room was pushed open, the three juniors walked in one after another.

Juniors: Instructor Kiro, good morning! Good morning, Boss!

The three of them looked at each other and bowed ninety degrees to me and Kiro.

MC: ...Well, our company advocates easy office etiquette. No need to be so formal.

Kiro: Mm, you can just call me Brother Kiro.

Wen Ke: Brother Kiro, is it because the company has plans for our development that we were called to a meeting today?

Yu Xixi couldn't wait to whistle.

Yu Xixi: Wow, do we have the resources?!

Kiro: Don't worry about resources. I have developed a training plan based on your personal situation. Take a look at this first.

Kiro handed over the plan, and they got together to study it.

I watched them go from expectant to dazed, to looking up with a sad face.

Wen Ke: Brother Kiro... It's all basic training, and there are no resources. This is not what we want...

Kiro: Who said it was different.

He patrolled around with the demeanor of a senior, and then spoke with a straight face.

Kiro: Whoever reaches the standard first, I'll help him fight for a resource he wants.

The conference room fell into silence for a moment, and then there was a rush of answers.

Yu Xixi: Having said that, even if it is Brother Kiro, it is foolish to regret it! I'm going to the dance studio now!

Wen Ke: I will go too!

Yang Han: You two! Don't leave me behind!

Kiro looked at them with some regret as they rushed out of the conference room.

Kiro: Alas, if I knew they were so active, I would have increased the amount of training.

I suddenly felt that Kiro, as a senior, seemed to be getting more and more proficient.

[Stage 3: Variety Debut in Hong Kong]

MC: Has the show started yet?

Kiro: It's started, it's started. Miss Chips, come and watch it together.

For a month since that day, I could see the three of them in the company's training room every day.

Yang Han was the most diligent of the three, and quickly completed the schedule. Kiro recommended him to a connection as promised. A variety show.

I sat next to Kiro holding cucumber-flavored potato chips. Today was Yang Han's first variety show, and Kiro and I were looking forward to it.

Kiro: Look, the camera is on Yang Han!

Host: So does our new observer Mr. Yang have any love experiences to share?

Yang Han in the camera blushed a little with excitement, clenched the microphone in his hand, and his expression was solemn.

Yang Han: From my experience, the most important thing in a relationship is sincerity. Sincerity is the premise of communication, and then there is a sense of humor.

Yang Han: People I've worked with have praised me for being funny and humorous, but I don't feel it myself. Perhaps it is this unconscious charm that attracts them.

Host: Haha... haha, it seems that our Mr. Yang is really humorous.

Kiro: .....

MC: .....

MC: In any case, his debut is fairly normal, there should be nothing wrong!

But as soon as I finished comforting Kiro, several messages popped up on my phone.

Kiki: Boss, have you seen Weibo? Yang Han's elementary school classmates came out to break the news!

Kiki: They said that he was very shy when he was a child, and he hadn't talked about a relationship since he was a child! He rolled over on his debut, and now all of his topics and exposure are negative...

I hurriedly opened Weibo and clicked on the topic of the variety show. The discussion about Yang Han wasn't high, and even if there was, it was ridiculed. Several comments broke the news that Yang Han was the person that Kiro had recommended to the show team, and that Kiro had put it in through his connections.

I frowned, and when Kiro came over, I hurriedly slid those comments up.

Kiro: What's wrong?

I shook my head and smiled reassuringly at him.

MC: There was a little disturbance in Yang Han's variety show. I'll go to the company to ask him tomorrow.

MC: You have a live broadcast tomorrow, so don't worry.

After dealing with this matter, I rushed to Kiro's new song live broadcast room.

Looking through the camera, I saw Kiro's bright smile at a glance, and my originally irritable mood was suddenly calmed down.

He waved at me with an "ok" gesture.

After the live broadcast started, everything was going well, but I suddenly caught sight of an unusual comment.

"Did you force Yang Han into the show? Did you arrange for him to lie?"

I looked up at Kiro. He was livestreaming as usual, and probably hadn't seen this comment.

...I don't want him to see such negative comments.

With such a voice in my heart, I secretly sent a lot of rainbow emojis in the comments, trying to cover up the bad comment.

But just as I was immersed in typing, I suddenly saw Kiro's expression on screen. His eyes became solemn.

As if foreboding, my typing hands slowed down.

Kiro: I think it is still necessary to address the matter regarding Yang Han properly.

The voice that suddenly spoke was solemn and earnest, and I looked at Kiro who appeared so serious in a daze.

Kiro: As his senior, I did recommend him to the program team. He lied on the show because I didn't educate my junior well. Such errors will not appear again in the future.

He said sincerely word by word, and his comments were also filled with positive feedback.

“Why should Kiro bear the mistakes of others? He just did his duty as a senior. "

I breathed a sigh of relief, and when I turned around, I suddenly saw Yang Han standing in a corner of the live broadcast room, holding a mobile phone in his hand.

On the screen was Kiro's live broadcast.

Seeing that I had spotted him, he turned at once, and then hurriedly explained.

Yang Han: Boss, I just wanted to apologize to Brother Kiro, but I didn't expect to see him...

MC: Kiro is your senior. He promised to look after you at that time. It's not just as simple as assigning you training tasks. As a senior, he has to take on a lot.

I looked through the glass at Kiro who was surrounded by people in the live broadcast room.

MC: Just don't let his efforts be in vain.

Yang Han: ...Boss, don't worry. I won't let Brother Kiro be disappointed again.

After he finished speaking, he turned and left. Looking at the direction in which he left, he probably returned to the dance studio.

When Kiro ended the live broadcast, I saw that Yang Han had posted an apology on Weibo.

"I deceived everyone on the show for my first time. I'm very sorry. It's all my own problems, and it has nothing to do with Senior Kiro. There is still a lot to learn in the future."

Kiro: What are you looking at, MC?

Kiro's voice came from behind me. I raised my phone and answered with a smile.

MC: I'm looking at a child who took the initiative to admit his mistakes.

Kiro didn't say anything when he saw Weibo. He just smiled slightly, and then stretched his waist.

Kiro: After an afternoon of work, what should I eat to treat myself?

MC: Superstar Kiro has three announcements next month. He needs to stay in shape. Why don't you mix boiled spinach with broccoli tonight?

Kiro: Ah... I. Don't. Want. To. Eat. Boiled. Vegetables. Anymore..!!

[Stage 4: There are no shortcuts]

Yu Xixi: Tsk tsk tsk, you died even before you left the apprenticeship, Mr. Yang.

Wen Ke: Yes, yes. Brother Kiro, if I were on the show, this problem would have definitely not occurred.

Wen Ke cupped his cheeks and looked at Kiro obediently. Yang Han sat silently in the corner and didn’t refute a word.

Kiro: Could you really have done better than him?

Kiro interrupted their sarcastic comments and took out an invitation letter for a singing show.

Kiro: It just so happens that your assessments are all up to standard, so let’s try this out.

The show wasn’t well know and it invited new comers, so they hoped that Kiro could support the show. However, Kiro didn’t have any free slots in his schedule. After discussing it, we felt that we could recommend Yu Xixi and Wen Ke to them.

Kiro: This is just an invitation letter. Whether you can participate in the show depends on your own interview level.

When the two of them heard that, their faces showed obvious disappointment.

Yu Xixi: Brother Kiro, it’s not me who said that we wanted to go such a show with such little exposure, only to be turned away. Isn’t this the same as wading into a river with our eyes closed, resigned to our fate?

Wen Ke: Boss~ Boss, you’re the best. Can’t you give us another resource?

Seeing that Kiro wouldn’t budge, Wen Ke turned to me and blinked his big bright eyes. It was a pity that I had already seen what the cutest person in the world looked like when he was being coquettish. I answered him with a smile.

MC: As boss, I support any decision made by Kiro.

Wen Ke: Aww--

Amidst their muttering complaints, Kiro suddenly spoke.

Kiro: What do you think is the role of the company? Help you plan all routes, including personal settings, and increase exposure at all costs, even if it is bad exposure?

Under Kiro’s questioning, Yu Xixi and Wen Ke stared blankly, and nodded hesitantly after a while.

Wen Ke: Is that... not it?

Kiro: It’s not. In my eyes, the company is just a platform.

Kiro: No one is forcing you to take this path. Since you have chosen it, you must take responsibility for your own future. The only thing I can do is to help you connect with channels and opportunities as much as possible. As for whether you can go, and how you want to go, that all depends on you.

Kiro: In this program, if you want to be a comedian, you can express yourself in the interviews. And if you want others to see your face, try to find the camera.

Kiro: I believe the audience will see the bright spots in you.

Kiro gave that long speech with a stern face that the meeting room fell into a brief silence.

I looked at the confused Yu Xixi and Wen Ke and broke the silence.

MC: As boss, my expectations of you are actually quite simple.

MC: That is, to express your most authentic and desired self.

MC: So, take the invitation and go to the audition~

Wen Ke: ...All right.

Yu Xixi: Unexpectedly, we were sent away with a resource that no one wanted.

Before Yu Xixi walked out of the conference room, he murmured with dissatisfaction.

Yu Xixi: Seriously, does brother Kiro think we are a burden and doesn’t want to look after us well?

Kiro remained expressionless, but the moment the door closed, all the strength seemed to leave his body and he laid down on the table in distress.

Kiro: MC, it’s really hard being a senior.

MC: Then do you want to skip the live recording today and go home and rest?

Kiro immediately sat up straight again.

Kiro: That won’t do! They’re the juniors I raised with my own hands, even if I’m tired, I have to see this through!

[Stage 5: Unintended effect]

There is new mail:

Miss Chips, have you seen the message from the director? The program rankings are out! Yu Xixi and Wen Ke won the first and second place with their solid singing skills. Someone said they wanted to pick them up on another show. It looks like our training plan is on the right track!

[Stage 6: Writing hidden on the last page]

On the day the program was recorded, Kiro and I went to the set. However, the atmosphere at the scene was very desolate and even a little awkward.

Yu Xixi: Hello everyone, I’m Yu Xixi, an artist from [MC’s company name]. The weather is a bit hot today, so let me tell you a cold joke first.

Yu Xixi: Once upon a time, there was a polar bear who stood dazed on the ice. It was bored and began to pluck its fur. One, two, three... and when he finally stripped it all off, he suddenly shouted--

Yu Xixi: So cold!!

Yu Xixi: How was it? Do you feel a lot cooler all of a sudden? Next, please enjoy the song “The Moon Represents Your Heart” with a cool mood.

The auditorium was silent. Kiro and I sat in silence under the stage.

MC: I kind of want to get out of here.

Kiro: [looking uncomfortable] Me too.

MC: Let’s watch Wen Ke’s performance.

When Wen Ke appeared, although he was a little nervous to the naked eye, he performed well overall. When Kiro and I were about to praise him, I suddenly saw him jump, and when the camera turned towards him, he started to wink hard.

At the same time, there were whispers from the audience.

Audience: What a handsome guy, but why are his eyelids twitching?

MC: .....

Kiro: .....

MC: Comprehensive analysis of the data gained from the show’s launch show that both of you have gained very good exposure. These positive discussions are all focused on your steady performance. As for what you wanted to show... Look at the comments from the netizens.

Yu Xixi: A singer who likes to tell cold jokes...

Wen Ke: ...Eye candy with not so good eyes.

Yu Xixi And Wen Ke had also seen a lot of comments these days. They looked at Kiro with gratitude and guilt.

Yu Xixi: Thank you, brother Kiro, for letting us concentrate on practicing our basic skills. It was my fault for suspecting you last time. I heard... you and the boss also came to the set that day.

Wen Ke: Brother Kiro, we still want to learn from you to continue solidifying our basic skills, okay~

Yang Han, who hadn’t spoken all this time, also spoke softly.

Yang Han: Me too. I want to continue my studies with brother Kiro.

Hearing them say that, Kiro’s azure blue eyes filled with sparkling light. He blinked, his tone light.

Kiro: Then, when the next assessment is successful, as a senior, I will reward you.

Yu Xixi: What reward?

Kiro smiled mysteriously.

Kiro: I can’t say it now, but it will be revealed on the day your assessment is successful.

Watching them look forward to and make up their minds, I couldn’t help but think back to the writing I saw on the last page of the training manual--

“Sparkling Debut”.

I suddenly remembered what Kiro told me in the conference room the day the performance was announced.

Kiro: MC, I want to participate in the whole process of this performance as a producer.

He looked at me seriously, with clear hope in his eyes.

Kiro: I’ve already thought of a name. It’s called - Fledgling. The road to art is passed down from generation to generation, and I hope this show’s tickets are free for all.

Kiro: Let everyone come to witness the moment when the fledglings take flight.

[Stage 7: Sparkling Debut]

The debugged lights slowly turned on, the curtain opened, and the moment the light poured in, the three stood together in the center of the stage.

Yang Han: Now we announce.

Wen Ke: The Fledgling concert...

Yu Xixi: Officially begins!

On the huge LED screen, white young birds spread their wings and flew by. The bright eyes of the youths in their white suits refracted the starlight.

The auditorium under the stage wasn’t full, and many places were empty, which was very much different from the packed atmosphere at Kiro’s concerts. But the youths standing on the stage didn’t have any disappointment or hesitation in their eyes, and they all sang with enthusiasm.

When the first song was successfully sung, Kiro and I hid behind the curtain and breathed a sigh of relief.

With the gradually increasing warm atmosphere on stage, Kiro put down the props in his hand and hummed a song in a low voice.

I had heard that melody so many time during rehearsal that it had already been engraved into my memory. At that moment, listening to Kiro’s voice, there was a kind of tranquility that settled upon us.

Kiro hummed and hugged me in the dark.

My shoulders were pressed against his chin, and his warm breath brushed against my ears. I stood stunned for a second, then raised my hand and hugged him back.

MC: What’s wrong?

There was light passing through the gap of the curtains. Kiro’s voice was very light, like a musical note floating in the darkness.

Kiro: Turns out that you had a lot to do backstage whenever I had a concert.

He looked at the erratic light, and his entire body seemed rigid and quiet.

Compared to Kiro, who was always shining on stage, it seemed to be a little different. And it seemed to be the same for everything.

Kiro: On this glamorous road, you can always be with me and understand what I want in my heart.

Kiro: It’s great to arrive at the most splendid place with you.

My heart was touched by his words, and I couldn’t help thinking of the concerts we had held together, big and small, all over the world.

MC: Looking back on it now, we’ve walked such a long way together.

A satisfying and fulfilling sense of accomplishment overflowed in my chest. I held Kiro’s hand and gave him a smile.

MC: Don’t worry, Mr. Superstar.

MC: As your boss, I will accompany you to every grand stage, and I won’t falter for a single moment.

Kiro gripped my hand and his laughter was hidden in my neck.

Kiro: Just as my boss?

I couldn’t help but laugh at the breath that tickled my neck. I tilted my head and whispered in his ear.

MC: Well... and as Miss Chips.

Kiro turned his face to look at me. His eyes were as bright as the stars in the darkness.

Kiro: MC, this is the path we have chosen together. All the honors on this stage will be shared between us.

Kiro: And I will remember each one.

Read the continuation in: Kiro’s Fledgling Date

#mlqc #mlqc cn #mlqc spoilers #mlqc kiro #sorry for no screenshot :<

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levok · 3 years ago

Note

Do you think Edvin takes over sometimes? He has himself stated that he likes to be in the center and likes to be showman. Omar has stated that he can be a bit shy and a bit reseved among new people (not suprising if he is a bit careful based on his history of being bullied and faced /face ? racism being openly unlabeled etc and maybe not take for granted that he is appreciated and welcome) ) Like at Omars birthday when also Omars longterm friends were there but often Edvin in the center or at interviews were Edvin likes to talk alot. Even at the event in Denmark with Rojda and Lisa E was beong quie dramatic, not just with Omar. I know they sre really close and nice and fun for them to be together and they have so much respect for eachother. I just sometimes wish Edvin would chill a bit and not being fully so on the top of things a bit dramatic and take up so much space. Maybe it`s just me overthinking this, everyone seem to love it. And yes I think they are both great and their should be room for differnt personalities. And fun to watch. Maybe a bit protective of Omar though because of the challenges has had to face. Just want good things for them both. What is your reflection?

This was a long ask, so here’s a long answer.

Let me honest, this is not something I’ve thought about before, but…

First of all, I think they both enjoy being in the spotlight, because they both chose this career. Omar might sometimes come of a little shy and lost of words when he’s interviewed, but when he takes the stage he is the absolute opposite. You can clearly see that he loves performing. I would think Omar on paper has more experience in doing interviews than Edvin, due to his former boyband life (there seems to be a lot of old footage, but I haven't watched it), so non of them is new to this game.

But I think it’s new for both of them to do so many interviews in English. They both speak English very well, but keep in mind that this is their second and third language, and that has something to say as well. Some are more comfortable in this that others - no matter how well you speak English. I enjoy their Swedish interviews more, because you can hear they speak more freely, think less and are more comfortable (again, their English is great, but there will always be some kind of barrier when it’s not their everyday language).

I actually think Edvin’s interview skills are remarkable. He is very reflected and stays on track, even when the interviewer goes off track. And when him an Omar does interview and other stuff together I never have the feeling of him overruling Omar, and I don't have the sense of Omar holding back when interviewed with Edvin - Quite the opposite. I think they compliment each other very well, and make each other more comfortable.

Edvin does have a very energetic personality, but he doesn't go fully goofball, when the situation isn’t there for it. I think he reads the room very well and is very professional - But when he does entertainment shows and stuff like that, they want the light hearted goofy Edvin, and that what he delivers. But when he does more serious things where he talks about stuff like anxiety and such, he doesn't goof at all.

There are actors etc. that always “steal” the interview and speak over the other guests, always have a funny remark and such (If you watch comedians being on Graham Norton for example, which can be really obnoxious), but Edvin is not like that at all.

I was at the event in Denmark you're referring to, and I don’t really see how he was dramatic. Yes he likes being funny, but he always stay on topic, let people speak, answers the questions and so on (even though his memory is terrible).

And about their private relation and dynamic in a friend group. We only see a tiny snippet of what's going on, and could or should not try to conclude anything from that.. It’s not like he jumps in front of the camera to steal the show.

In conclusion, I don’t think Edvin should chill. I understand your sympathy towards Omar, but I only think they make each other shine more.

#Ask #Omar rudberg #edvin ryding #YR cast

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loserclubowergang · 4 years ago

Text

It Fandom Week July 15- Moral Ambiguity

@itfandomweek

Title: My truth and your truth

Sumary: “I will not testify for Henry Bowers to get out of a sanitarium, he deserves to be there”

“Jupiter Asylum is torture chamber not a sanatorium."

Characters: Henry Bower(mention), Connor Bowers, Richie Totzier

Warning: f-slur, mentions of abuse, homophobia, death of a character

One-shot / Moodboard

Richie had been a comedian for 4 years now and he slowly began to feel that his career was growing, he was not famous but every day he felt that he was making a name among comedians. Being on stage made him feel alive.

And while his professional life was going well, his personal life felt empty, it wasn't that he didn't have friends, he did, but his friendships felt false in some way, as if he couldn't really connect with them. Richie, although he didn’t remember them, unconsciously seeks a bond like the one he had with the losers' club, a bond that was in fact impossible to recreate outside of Derry.

And every now and then he thought not being a comedian and living in Derry would have been worth it if he could still have friends. Real friends

But those were silly ramblings. Because even more than having friends his biggest problem was not that, no, when Richie dared to be honest with himself could he accept he never allowed himself to connect with anyone because he did not accept something important about himself.

And that's why he was here, he had come for the last 3 months to this place not daring to do anything more than order a drink at the bar. Sitting at the bar he looked at the rest of people on the dance floor, people dancing, kissing and having fun as if the world outside didn’t hate them .Richie took another sip from his glass while a man with curly blond hair was sat next to him, Richie thought to speak to him but did not put his courage together

"My name is Connor"

Richie looked at him in surprise

"Richie"

"Nice name, can I buy you a drink?”

Richie couldn't help but smile, this was unreal to him, a boy was flirting with him in a gay bar and he felt good, for the first time in a long time things felt in their place.

Connor was a lawyer , had his same age, was passionate about video games and comics and was the first person since he left Derry with Richie felt he had been able to connect, time passed quickly and before noticing were outside the Pub.

“You have something to do? Connor smiled

“Not really" Richie smiled

"Would you like to go to my apartment?"

"Yes, I would like to” Richie felt brave and confident for once as he followed Connor to his apartment.

The night had a happy ending, the real problems began the next morning.

Richie opened his eyes and realized that the night before had really happened, he couldn't help but smile as he looked at Connor lying next to him, Richie got up and looked at the room Connor's room , if it weren't for the bed, the room would look like an investigation office, there was a desk full of papers and photos, from his work, Richie supposed, and hanging in front of the desk a cork board, without the glasses he couldn't quite discern what the papers or the photos on the board were, but getting a little closer Betty Ripsom's missing poster became clear, then George Denbrough and the rest of the missing children in the summer of 88, he did not know what the rest of the documents were, but among all the papers he finally distinguished a different photo , the photo of Henry Bowers being arrested.

Richie felt sick.

A sound behind him made him turn around, Connor had risen from the bed and was looking at him with a smile.

Richie looked in horror at the man in front of him. He felt he had no voice, no courage to ask.

“What is your name?”

He smiled.

“Connor Bowers at your service.”

He had a flirty look that Richie would have love if he did not feel that his head was spinning, and at any time he would end up throwing up

“Bowers, as in?”

Connor then noticed what Richie had been watching, Connors smiles disappeared, he look at him with bitterness, understanding what just happened.

“Yes, like Henry Bowers, he is my cousin.”

Richie saw everything black and could barely think "well at least I didn't throw up" as he passed out.

Richie opened his eyes slowly, his gaze was blurry but he knew it was from the lack of glasses, Connor was on the floor next to him, his blue eyes looking at him with concern.

“Are you good?”

“Yes , I forgot to put my glasses on in the morning and that causes me vertigo, don't worry.”

Connor looked at him incredulously once Richie was composed enough to sit on the floor noticed that Connor had the gaze on his cork board , time lines time of the summer when everything happened, roles of prosecutors, claims against Jupiter Hill , petitions for a new trial and another pile of papers that had not achieved anything, they were years of working on something that seemed to not get anywhere, every day of work that did not achieve anything he considered himself to stop trying but Connor knew he could not , Henry was his only living family and even more important it was an injustice what his cousin had experienced.

Connor helped Richie to sit on the bed where they had slept and bit his lip, maybe it was not appropriate to ask but his case had been stalled for months and maybe he could help him .

"So you're from Derry?"

Richie still felt sick , that summefr had turned his head very abruptly, the memories were more neat in some way but the were too bizarre to be true, there wasn’t a monster in the sewers of Derry, they were only children’s fantasies, right? It had to be, the only monster in Derry was indeed Henry Bowers, and he had just slept with his cousin, Richie felt like he was going to throw up but forced himself not to.

"Yes, I lived there until I was 17"

"So you were there the summer of 88" Connor knew he was pushing his luck, the people of Derry hated talking about that summer, so many people died that summer that it was almost impossible not having lost someone close in the process. Just knowing his last name, the Derry people wanted to kill him, but Richie didn't seem like that kind of person.

"Yes, I was." Richie went away and Connor looked blurry without his glasses but still her mind recognized or as the guy in Arcade , Richie recalled that afternoon that feeling of being out of place had begun for him, he no longer wanted to be here , all this brought back bad memories, memories of things that should not have happened . The Neibolt house, the clown, Eddie breaking his arm.

God, Eddie, how he was able to forget Eddie?

"If you were there, you could answer a few quick questions?"

Richie wanted to shout no and get out of there, get out as far as possible and not think of Derry, or Henry Bowers, or the summer of '88, but the blurred images of Eddie were becoming clearer in his memories and he felt that if he left the department he would forget him again and he did not want that, he wanted to remember Eddie

"I think so."

Connor smiled, it seemed to fill him with hope that he could do this, Connor began to ask questions of Derry, people, places and events that Richie thought were forgotten but were really only hidden in his memory, for the first time in many years Richie remembered the Losers club, he remembered Stan's face and Bill's stuttering voice, and he clearly remembered Eddie and everything he'd ever felt for him.

And along with those memories of Eddie, the feelings of guilt and shame, feelings that he had unknowingly carried him all his life, feelings that ended up consuming him the day that the man asking him questions in front of him had unnecessarily and cruelly rejected him.

The humiliation of having Henry Bowers yell at him that he was a fag, and the fear that everyone believed it, because it was true.

The shame, fear and guilt that day had gone from being a brief feeling every time he wished to kiss Eddie to becoming a weight that would hold him back the rest of his life.

Connor's voice pulled him out of the storm of memories that was his mind.

“Can you testify in court?”

Connor looked at him hopefully, Richie wanted to throw up

"No."

"Why?"

“I will not testify for Henry Bowers to get out of a sanitarium, he deserves to be there”

“Jupiter Asylum is torture chamber not a sanatorium."

“That is not my fault.”

“You can’t be so apathetic with the suffering of people.”

“I can be apathetic with the suffering of my abuser."

There was a horrible silence between the two, Richie had anger in his eyes, and Connor looked at him sadly.

"I'm very sorry for whatever Henry did to hurt you, but his penance is not equivalent to his crime."

Jupiter Hill was a torture room, in addition to the lack of real psychiatric and medical treatment, the nurses seemed to have fun electrocuting patients as pseudo therapy or leaving them sedated for days, patients in Jupiter Hill were constantly physical and verbal assaults and that was just the abuse that they let see with a simple glance. Of course, all this was ignored by the people since the inmates at Jupiter Hill were criminals before they were people and they did not deserve a human treatment, let's not even mention appropriate help to deal with their mental illnesses.

Seeing Henry terrified of the guards and nurses on Jupiter Hill was the most painful thing that Connor was forced to see, it made him see that Henry had never been able to escape from the abuses and terrors that he had lived through his childhood.

"You don't know how difficult it has been for me to forget what your cousin put me through, I don't have a reason to help him”

Richie looked at him with disdain, if Henry was having a bad time, good, he deserved it. and if the justice system did his job badly and the mental hospitals were torture chamber , it was a shame but it was not his problem.

Connor watched him with hate, but what he really felt was tired, he was so fucking tired, tired and sad to have this discussion, to listen to one person after another talking about Henry like a monster, the people of Derry always talked about him as if they had not allowed a child to live for years with someone as aggressive and cruel as Oscar Bowers , as if Henry had never talked about seeing shadows and hearing strange noises , they spoke as if there was no way to stop Henry from getting worse every day

“Henry was 14 , he was a kid. And they made him carry all the adult mistakes. "

Richie already knew that , Henry had been a scapegoat for the incompetence of the Derry police, and it was difficult to look back, to think about the children they were, it was difficult to remember Henry as a child and not as his bully, it was difficult because the adult in him knew it was the right thing to do but the child who was still hurt and terrified did not care what was right because Henry did not deserve his forgiveness after what he had put him through

“Yes, you are right, we were children and it is not fair but it’s not my problem and I am not going to help him."

Connor looked at him with disbelieve.

“Do you really want to be that kind of adult? The one who ignores that something bad is happening and washes his hands. "

Richie felt a stroke of guilt because he was exactly the kind of grown-up to fill the streets of Derry, the kind of grown-up who would let the life of a 14-year-old become hell and at the same time leave behind a child killer loose , because it seemed more comfortable than doing the right thing.

"No, is not the kind of adult I want to be, but sadly is the person I am, and I am not proud but I am not going to help him, because honestly it makes me a little happy that he is having a bad time "

Connor, if he had been the same boy from long ago, would have broken his nose for his cynicism, but he bit his lip and swallowed his anger.

"Get out of my house."

"As you like."

Richie took his things and left the place, the further he went , the experience became more surreal, almost as if he had dreamed it.

Over the weeks go back Richie have more difficult to remember what had happened at Connors house until just one day he did not remember at all and all memories of Derry would become buried imagines again and Richie did not return to think about Connor or Henry Bowers until he stuck an ax in Henrys head in order to save Mike and for a second all the memories of that day came back, looking at the corpse of Henry Bowers he feel the worst remorse he had ever experienced in his life, in part because if he had helped Connor Henry might not be here, but especially because Connor would never know what had happened to his cousin, the remorse was overwhelming , Richie took a breath and forced himself not to cry, he again felt sick like that day at Connor's house, even worse, this time he couldn't help throwing up.

Who knows , maybe if he had helped Henry, they would have been able to escape the control of It, maybe the good actions have their reward, because seeing Henry's corpse and seeing himself having to face the damn clown again, he realized that when you washed your hands and ignored the problem it doesn't solve a shit.

#henry bowers #connor bowers #richie totzier #itfandomweek #it fandom week

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taetaesource · 4 years ago

Text

Acting with Kim Seon Ho

I might come up with a full fic of the drama.

You started out as a idol trainee but never debuted but became an actress instead. Although you are not very young, korean age 29 and Seon Ho is 35. You didn’t star in many dramas and was not as popular as names like suzy and park shin hye. In this sense, you are alot like Kim Seon Ho before he hit it big with Start Up.

You did not grow up in korea and speak better in english than korean. You’re friends with the korean-american celeb community like BM, Jessi, Eric. Your best friend is Blackpink’s Rose because you guys met during trainee days as a music school and later reconnected at a private Tiffany&Co event.

You are under Starship ent which is a fairly big company with actors like Lee dongwook so your skills isn’t too far off and in general you land in scripts and channels that are not too bad.

You got an offer from the writer who wrote Crash Landing On You and upon reading script and much discussion with the company, you decided to take this up.

You learn that the production team is trying their best to get Kim Seon Ho to be the male lead and you felt honoured and at the same time pressured. You really wished to have him as your partner in this drama because you knew that he was talented, but you also wanted to keep your hopes low because you knew that he was booked left right centre and he has many scripts and projects flooding in.

The storyline of the drama was also one reason why you kept your hopes low.

The drama centers around the female (which is your role) whose husband requested for a divorce as he fell in love with a co-worker who is a headstrong career woman. The female lead tries to salvage her marriage by entering into the company that her husband and his mistress works in and struggles her way into the workforce after being a housewife for 10 years.

The truth is, you were deliberating very hard as to whether this role was suitable for you as it is quite a leap from the usual roles and it might change the image that you have in the public eyes. For the male lead, this change is an even bigger risk and now that Seon ho is getting more popular, you were pretty sure there’s 60% chance he would reject the offer so as to keep his image.

But the script was interesting as it portrayed third party and affairs in a different light and the characters were complex so this would take your acting skills to a new level. With that, you decided to take on the challenge despite the risk that you might not be offered dramas in future that were of younger romantic comedy genre since you will be remembered as an actress that played mum and divorcee.

To your surprise, Seon ho took on the role as well. And the reason you heard of is that he felt that the script is compelling and he wanted to challenge himself in a new role.

The other female actress who will play the role of the third party is Son Na eun of Apink and you thought that she was a good fit for the role too.

The day of drama reading, Seon ho was the last to arrive and he was so apologetic about it. He was polite and greeted everybody with his big dimple smile. It was his first time meeting you and Naeun so the 3 of you were quite awkward and unfamiliar.

When filming officially started, you were so busy preparing and translating your lines and practicing them that you felt very pressured. As the drama was produced by the team behind the hit success Crash Landing and also featuring the current hot actor Kim seon ho, it was also highly anticipated and everyone was looking forward to the drama to air.

The filming process was also tiring as the tone of the drama is quite serious and sad compared to a light-hearted love drama or comedy. But to your surprise the filming was quite enjoyable mainly because seon ho is very easy to work with and also very professional.

Even though he must have been very tired as the shoot is often in between his other projects like 2 Days 1 Night and his other pictorials and advertisement shoots, he rarely screws up his part and came prepared with his lines so there won’t many retakes. He is also very bubbly and cheerful, making the filming atmosphere livelier and friendlier.

The chemistry between you and him hit off better than expected as well. You enjoyed his sometimes awkward jokes, you could follow up with this ad-libs and both of you saw eye-to-eye when it comes to how the both of you should act certain scenes to bring out certain message or emotions.

You usually speak to your staff and manager in english which would leave the total korean boy seon ho in awe. And you always joke that the hardest part about this drama is that you have to pretend that you dont understand english as you are supposed to play the role of a clueless housewife who became an intern in a top company. And Naeun who doesn’t understand english has to play the role of your manager who is capable and good at presentations and reports in english.

When the drama air, the public had good response and the chemistry between you and seon ho became recognised just as how people were speculating that Hyun Bin and Son Ye jin are definitely dating.

The both of you were not at the dating stage yet because seon ho is so busy. And his personality is so friendly that he usually maintain a very amicable relationship with everybody so you established that the both of you are just very good colleagues that managed to become friends outside of work.

To your surprise, seon ho called you one day - “chae young ahhh” he repeated and emphasized “chae young” a few times which was not your real name but the name of your character in the drama so you kind of had the sense to reply “oh yeobo”, which absolutely pleased him. Turns out it was a call from seon ho while filming 2 days 1 night. He was on a mission and he had to prove that he wasn’t lying when he said on the show that the both of you had good chemistry so choosing you to call to help him in the mission is the best person. You had to make a guess of the option his group chose in order for them to pass and be given lunch. The way you answered the call has already made a great impression to the team and the 2d1n members were all impressed by the chemistry you had with seon ho. You also passed the game round and they were saying that you should drop by the show as a guest as the next week, they will have to bring a female guest who are also their good friend to help them in the episode.

Your company is rather particular about their artistes appearing on variety shows and it’s only after they screened the other female guests and realised that the rest are mostly comedians, that they allowed you to be on the show and the instruction was that you have to maintain your image.

It was easy as the members and everyone in the team treated you like a princess in comparison to the 2 female comedians so as to make the show funnier. And seon ho especially took care of you as well even outside of the filming.

He introduced you to the actor yeon jung hoon who was on the show and in between breaks you were able to consult him about some concerns that you have, especially since you are juggling 2 dramas.

Towards the halfway mark of the drama filming with seon ho, you were offered another drama, a love story drama with a younger actor this time Seo Kang Joon. As the new drama is a typical courtship and love story drama, you were afraid that the way you act might not be able to draw a difference that well that the audience will be able to see the shadow of the divorced wife character that you are playing in the other drama.

Jung hoon adviced that every role will have some kind of resemblance because it all came from you. It’s impossible to always present a totally original and fresh character without some resemblance here and there. But maybe if we see the resemblance as the actor’s style and essence, then you wouldnt feel so pressured to draw the distinction between all the roles that you act in.

This scene was aired on 2d1n and it helped the public to see your professionalism and seriousness that you have towards acting.

You also helped the team by giving a call to Blackpink’s Rose. Rose answered the call with “heyyy what’s up” which excited the members even more as they didn’t expect the both of you to use english as main form of communication.

You were also good friends with Park Yuna who got famous from her role in Sky Castle and she also played the role of Bo young who is your sister in the drama with seon ho. Yuna was also an idol trainee previously which is why the both of you clicked so fast.

The drama with Seo Kang Joon was a success too but of course both dramas did not do as well as Start-Up and Crash Landing but in your terms it was successful as people were talking about it and it was the more popular dramas among the rest that were airing as well.

The chemistry between you and seon ho stood out even more as nobody really talked about seo kang joon and you having chemistry in that way.

Very quickly, you were offered a movie role and the male lead they were offering it to kim seon ho again. This time, the storyline was less sad as it was about a man and woman who took a break from their current life and went to Jeju island as an escape, met and fell in love there. Seon ho’s character broke up with his long-term girlfriend while your character left her job after being there for 8 years. And the both of you met in Jeju.

Many people were speculating if the both of you were dating, especially since dispatch released pictures of the both of you coming out of a convenience store together on your off days. And when your agency checked with you, you said no because technically seon ho has never officially asked you out. But somehow you felt a little bitter when you heard from your management that seon ho’s side has also denied the dating rumours.

But netizens were quite supportive especially because the pictures taken were candid shots of how the both of you played with each other. Seon ho offered to hold your plastic bag but you lifted it like how you would lift dumbbells to joke with him that you didnt need his help and he was laughing so hard. Most comments that people have after seeing the pictures is that the both of you are so cute and pure.

But because the pictures were exposed by dispatch, it made you and seon ho a little uncomfortable in front of public setting. Like the both of you had to attend the movie premiere and it was awkward to be standing together in front of the reporters and cameras as the both of you know that everyone in the room has seen the pictures and may or may not ask about your relationship status. You are not sure if it’s even more uncomfortable if they dont talk about the white elephant in the room. But the both of you were obviously less chummy that day, keeping a distance and avoiding eye contact as much as possible. Which led to people speculating that the rumours has caused you guys to break up.

But you were still in contact with each other in private, just that you two did not meet in person since then. It was after few months that the both of you met again and it was at drama awards. It felt less uncomfortable and awkward maybe because the both of you were more overwhelmed by the excitement of seeing each other again after so long that you two didn’t really care whether people will ask if you guys are dating again.

Another heart fluttering moment was when the mc asked if any of you felt something for the other person that you were acting alongside with, and the both of you raised your hands shyly and blushed when you both realised that both of you raised your hands.

When seon ho went on stage to claim the best actor award, you stood up and clap proudly. And the mc jokingly asked since the both of you raised your hands just now, are you guys dating for real already? Seon ho laughed this time and said “don’t worry i will let you guys know if there’s good news” making everyone excited with his ambiguous answer and you could only laugh and facepalm in embarassment.

Eventually, dispatch released articles of insider saying that 2 actors who have acted together recently in drama and movie are dating and it pointed to you and seon ho again.

You talked to your agency, wondering if the best way is to deny it again because you know that couples that admit their relationship usually end up breaking up. And couples who stay together usually become less active or don’t have many projects up ahead. Plus seon ho’s career is at his peak now, he wouldn’t want to risk anything and he might not even have the time to keep this relationship going.

But your management got the news that seon ho’s side is okay to admit to it if you are okay with it and that shocked you. You didn’t expect him to want to keep this relationship more than his career. But to seon ho, he doesn’t see how his career will go down just because of this. And his fame was a sudden one, he was never famous before that and he was okay with it.

Your management was also quite relaxed about this. It seems that you are the only one thinking too much into this. Eventually you realised that it was all in your head.

The next day all the news outlet were reporting - “BREAKING: Actor Kim Seon Ho and Y/N is in a relationship”.

#kim seon ho #kim seon ho imagines #kim seon ho fanfic #han ji pyeong #kim seonho

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