#Pretty sure I squealed at a pitch that only insects can hear | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lizord-lord · 5 years ago

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(I AM!!! NOT DEAD!!! I STILL!!! WRITE!! Or at least I like to think I do. I got stuck on multiple parts of this chapter, and just buckled down and finished it last night, and it ended up being the longest chapter yet, not to mention entirely fucking over my outline. Hopefully more updates will come sooner, but given..everything about me, don’t count on it. But I am SUPER excited to bring you this chapter, so enjoy!! And thank you to @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 for beta reading/ feeding my tiny gremlin ego.)

Ships: Royality

Word count: 6,585

Summary: Patton’s always believed there’s more the the world than meets the eye. Or at least-meets others’ eyes..his own have always seen glimpses of shimmer in the bushes, colors in the breeze, movement in the shadows.It was only distant hope-until a day of exploration in the woods led him to become acquainted with a pair of Fae twins. They call themselves Truth and Lies… But does he really know which is which?

Warnings: brief body image issues, sympathetic deceit

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Will O’ The Wisp, Chapter Three

I say you intrigue me, bright as you are

Work was torture. Not because Patton disliked his job-far from it, he enjoyed watching people splash color onto cups and plates and little figurines. And even working at the kiln wasn’t too bad-though hot, but it was summer in Florida, so that wasn’t too much of an issue. He was pretty used to the heat at this point. It being summer, of course, there were more customers, which meant more hectic days, but this specific establishment was run by a very nice lady named Via who believed in the workplace being a friendly environment for all involved. And her wife Esther always brought donuts on Wednesdays, so there was that too. Even if Patton had stopped partaking lately. So overall, it was a pretty nice job.

No, Patton’s suffering was not at all employment-based, but rather, patience-based. How was he supposed to just stand around doing normal person work when he, Patton, just a few hours ago, had met faeries?? It was taking all of his self-control to not bounce on his toes and begin to gush on about that magnificent experience to every one of his coworkers and the customers to boot!

Luckily, he managed not to. Roman might share his joy when they both got home, but the general populous wouldn’t, and Patton knew that they wouldn’t, and furthermore he did not want all his work friends thinking he was crazy. Heck, half of them already thought he was for refusing Esther’s donuts! Okay, maybe that wasn’t quite the same thing.

Nevertheless, by some very human miracle, he managed to make it through the day with only the occasional comment about how he had more energy than normal. Which was fine. He managed to be his usual outgoing self without too much suspicious activity up until clock-out, where he ditched his uniform as quickly as possible and hopped on his brand new baby pink bike with so much gusto that he very nearly fell flat on his face. In fact he likely would have, had Elliot not also decided to bike to work today. They caught him just in time, tugging him back to his feet by the shoulders. In an effort to play off his near-death (okay, maybe not quite that bad) Patton laughed, but he was sure that between his face and hair, he looked entirely the same color.

“Thanks,” he said, slightly breathless. Elliot rolled their eyes, but there was a fond smile on their face. “Yeah, no problem Patt. Pretty sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t want you faceplanting into the pavement.” “Oh for sure- if you hadn’t been there I would have been Splatt-on!”

Patton beamed as Elliot sighed.

“Take it back, you can perish on the floor for all I care.” “Aw, C’mon, it’s not that-” “Nope.” They held up a hand, face deadpan. Patton only giggled. “I am not letting you get a combo in there. How’s the new place?” “Oh!” Puns forgotten (much to the very sun’s relief) Patton brightened, brushing a few stray curls out of his eyes.

“It’s lovely! Even moving in was a blast, it’s just so...homey, y’know? Like something out of a storybook. And the woods! There’s this forest out back you see, and it has the most beautiful little stream, and the trees are huge, and- oh gosh you won’t believe this-”

He caught himself just in time. No! Bad Patton! God, was his mouth really that big? He just couldn’t wait, he’d had this massive revelation bottled up inside all day, and he’d almost been that careless? “What?” “Oh-” thinking quickly, Patton swung his leg back up onto his bike and made a bit of show of being careful to buy himself another two seconds. “I found this strawberry patch! Yeah, maybe I’ll pick some and Ro and I can make strawberry shortcake this weekend!”

Phew. Elliot tilted their head, clearly interested, but didn’t add anything until Patton was done putting on his helmet. “Sounds like a fun time. I won’t keep you any longer- I’ve been late to too many shifts already, now you get back to your man!” They laughed good-naturedly and gave a small wave as they headed inside the shop, and Patton grinned back over his shoulder before taking off down the road.

“Oh there you are my sunlight, my world is golden and warm again!” Patton laughed at his boyfriend’s dramatic, but routine greeting. And on par with that routine, he shut the door, dropped his keys in the little dish that they had put on the windowsill nest to the door, and let Roman sweep him into his strong arms, giggling as they kissed with way more passion necessary for people who had only been apart for about eight hours. If there was any perk to not have or be visiting Virgil constantly, it was that he wasn’t there to loudly call them gross and chuck a pillow, stuffed animal, blanket, comic book, magazine, tissue box, or on one occasion of extreme sleep-deprivation, his cat SV- at their faces.

They separated eventually, both giggling, and Roman set Patton down with a slight “oof.”

“Roman you won’t believe what I saw in the woods today!! Faeries Roman, I met real faeries!!”

The words spilled out of Patton’s mouth before anything else-even a hello, nearly squealing the last words in his pure excitement.

He felt Roman’s hands go still in his, a look of pure shock spreading over his boyfriend’s face. An expression that soon morphed from shock to disbelief, then hope, and then an excitement so strong that Patton was sure that, if they were cartoon characters, his eyes would have turned into stars. Patton laughed, and then Roman laughed, and they gripped each other’s hands tight- and before long they were dancing like children in a little ring, laughing and squealing, because faeries were real and they lived in their backyard!!!

“Tell me everything!!” Roman exclaimed breathlessly once they had finally run out of energy and stopped the gleeful dance, and Patton nodded wildly, grinning so hard it hurt his cheeks as he dragged Roman to the couch, bouncing on the white cushion in his poorly-contained joy.

“Okay so- after you left I hung around a bit, and then I got bored, so I headed out to the woods y’know? It wasn’t really as fun without you at first, so I ended up back by that tree we saw last time. Beautiful tree, I think it looked even prettier in the morning! Oh- but anyway I think I fell asleep for a bit- and then I was hearing these voices, so I stood up and turned around- and when I did- faeries!!”

“How many?” Roman asked eagerly, his eyes sparkling, “How big were they? Did they have wings? Were they butterfly wings or like- insect wings? Or petals? What were they like?” Patton shook his head quickly, but the smile never left his face. “No, no wings- they were actually your height I think, maybe taller? But they were beautiful Roman, the way they moved- they were like dancers, or acrobats..it was amazing. But they talked to me, and we introduced ourselves- I’ll tell Virgil not to worry, I didn’t give my full name- but they’re called Truth and Lies, and they’re brothers! Well, sorta..they’re cursed you see- well, I think- Truth can only tell the truth and Lies can only lie, so they talk a little weird, and sometimes it’s just wind? Anyway- they said I could see them again tomorrow!!”

And just like that, Roman deflated.

“...I have a shift tomorrow..” he moaned, sparkle fading from his eyes like a puppy who had just had its favorite treat thrown in the trash. “Oh. Well-” Patton quickly squeezed his hands, worry flashing over his face- oh dear, in his excitement he’d forgotten, “Don’t worry- if they’re okay with meeting up tomorrow I’m sure they’ll be okay with showing up on Friday, right?”

“..right.”

“I’ll tell them you want to meet them okay? They’re really friendly, I’m sure they’ll be okay with it! Plus, who wouldn’t want to meet such a charming prince?” Smiling, Patton leaned in to nuzzle Roman’s nose, which caused his boyfriend to let out a high-pitched squeal. And then a bout of giggles, which Patton soon found himself mirroring as Roman’s hands cupped his round cheeks and he began to pepper kisses over every single freckle. And then finally, his mouth landed on Patton’s, and the kisses turned from feather-light and playful to slow and sweet. By the time they separated, the immediate concern had been forgotten, and somehow Patton had ended up on Roman’s lap. Neither of them minded this, however.

In fact, for a few minutes they just sat there in the light of the sun streaming through the window, with Roman’s arms slung around Patton’s middle- until Roman’s stomach rumbled.

“So….Chinese tonight, Rosebud?” he suggested- then pouted when Patton frowned and firmly shook his head. It wasn’t dinnertime quite yet, but Patton was hungry too, and with their slightly uncoordinated work schedules, he and Roman often ended up eating early, so food was something to be thinking about. However, despite his enjoyment for Chinese takeout, a more disciplined part of Patton’s brain rejected the suggestion.

“No, we had pizza last night Ro- and I made waffles this morning! We should get something healthier, at least make something ourselves?”

“Oh, alright, fine,” Roman sighed, though he was milking the disappointment a bit. “How about...enchiladas?”

Patton smiled conspiratorially at that, then rose from the couch and turned, trading out the expression for his most over-the-top stern look, placing his hands on his hips to really sell the bit. “Are you going to going to spill the sauce all over the counter and then draw a dog with it instead of cleaning it up again, young man?” “Nooooo?” Roman laughed, putting on his best “innocent face”, which made him laugh, and then Patton laughed, and Roman jumped up from the couch and took Patton’s hand, tugging him towards the kitchen. “I promise, no enchilada sauce masterpieces on the counter!”

The enchiladas went without incident (well, except for Patton dropping a bowl on the floor, but nothing was spilled and nothing broke, so it was fine) and soon the couple was seated together at the table, happily eating. It was well into the evening now, and Roman had been recounting work stories. Mostly bitching about this one lady who had come in with her seven-year-old son (which was fine as long as he didn’t break anything) and upon Roman coming up to her to ask if she was finding everything she needed, glared at him, covered her son’s eyes, and backed out of the store as if he was some ghoul asking if he could eat her child’s heart rather than a store employee just doing his job. Patton was listening intently and offering his full support in the rant, and Roman had just started to list all the other times people had been horrified to see a man in makeup working at a beauty store- when the doorbell rang.

That was odd. They weren’t expecting anyone, Virgil wasn’t the type to show up out of the blue and for that matter- neither were most of their friends. It could be the mailman, but that was unlikely, so that really didn’t leave much. Then again, after this morning, the oddness of the doorbell ringing when no one was expected seemed like nothing. Nevertheless, Patton quickly pushed back his chair and stood, Roman following, and opened the door.

Before them stood a friendly-looking man in perhaps his late thirties or early forties, with pinkish-purple hair and a tan sweater. He looked a tad surprised that they’d answered the door, but waved, then held out a hand to shake.

“Heyo! So you’re our guests for the summer, hm? Nice to meet you, I’m Emile Picani.”

“Oh!” This must be one of their neighbors. Patton took his hand and shook it, then offered a large smile and stepped back slightly.

“Sorry, we weren’t really expecting any visitors- I’m Patton Sanders, and this-” “Roman Prince, delighted to make your acquaintance.” Patton rolled his eyes playfully at the little bow his boyfriend offered their neighbor before taking his hand and shaking it firmly.

“My boyfriend,” Patton finished with a sigh, slightly relieved at the way Emile laughed at said boyfriend’s antics. “Why don’t you come in?”

“Oh no, I just wanted to say hello, I shouldn’t be intruding-” “Nonsense!” Roman proclaimed. “We were just finishing up dinner, and it’s always good to get to know your neighbors, right?” “Well..if you’re alright with it, I suppose.”

He stepped inside and Roman closed the door behind him. Patton quickly excused himself to clean up their dinner dishes, and before long they were all seated in the little living room area, Roman and Patton together on the couch and Emile in a white wicker rocking chair.

“So where are you two coming from?” Emile asked.

“Oh, not far,” Roman replied. “I’ve been around, but my family moved to Portsmount city when I was sixteen, and dear Patton has lived there all his life.” “That’s right! I’d always really wanted to see some country, so we figured rather than renting a place together we could try somewhere a little more rural for the summer and..y’know, see how we liked it!” “Aww, how sweet,” chuckled Emile “Though I wouldn’t call our little spot of town country really.” “Well it’s pretty close to me!”

“Fair. Suppose I’m kind of the same myself in a way- I’ve lived here all my life. Makes the commute a bit of a pain, but the view is worth it.” “You have?” Roman asked, leaning forward a bit with interest. “Got any stories to tell?”

He was grinning slightly, and Emile laughed again, though it was a bit high-pitched.

“Oh, plenty, but if I recounted all of them we’d be here all night. Maybe I can humor you another time?” “Of course,” Patton replied. “Plus, most of them aren’t really the town’s, if that’s what you’re after. Dare I say it’s not really too eventful a place, but it’s pretty darn homey.”

“Seems that way..” Patton’s voice trailed off almost dreamily, but his eyes sparkled- not an eventful place? He’d never heard anything less true.

“So what do you two do?”

“Well I, am an actor!” Roman proclaimed, puffing out his chest slightly, “But in between shows I’m just a Sephora cast member for now.” “An actor? My my, that’s wonderful! Though I can’t say I’m surprised, you definitely have the attitude.” Roman beamed at the compliment, while Emile turned his sights on Patton. “And what about you?” “Oh, I work at Color Me Mine.” “Color Me Mine?” he tilted his head, confused, “Can’t say I’ve heard of that place.” Patton just waved a hand, unbothered. Most people didn’t know where he worked. “It’s a shop where people can come and paint their own ceramics- bowls, plates, figurines-that sort of thing.” “Creative types then?” “Mhm!” Emile pushed his glasses up his nose. “Well our little spot is going to be lucky to have you then! I’m a therapist myself. Shame I can’t have my office out here, I think a natural environment can really help clear the mind and make sessions easier. But it’s obviously too far.”

“You can say that again,” Roman snorted. “Our friend Virgil still lives in the city and most of his texts so far have been asking if we’re dead. I’m only half-certain that he’s joking…” “I’m sure we’ll get him out here for a visit sooner or later,” Patton assured.

“Sounds like you’ve got a mom friend experiencing empty nest syndrome,” Emile joked, and they all laughed.

“Virge means well, he’s just a bit uh..” Patton rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Well, Ro and I can be a bit crazy when left alone, he’s normally kinda a voice of reason for us.” “Ah, I see.”

“Speaking of friends,” Patton began, eager to keep the conversation flowing- he liked Emile, wanted to keep speaking with him. “Have you got any around here?” Emile let out a chuckle, shaking his head. “No, not around here. There aren’t really too many people here anyway- not on the edge of the country at least. Most of the people I know live up in Vaybury proper.”

Vaybury was the actual town they were staying in- well, technically. Houses trickled off once you got out of the main area of town, and the house Roman and Patton were staying in was on Becker Street, pretty much the last real street before you hit real country, and there were only about six or seven houses on it. Some of them weren’t even occupied. So what Emile said made sense, though it disappointed Patton somewhat.

Their chatting continued for another ten minutes or so, pleasantries and enjoyable-if shallow, small talk, before Emile announced he was grateful for their hospitality and happy to make their acquaintance, but he should be getting back home. But of course, Patton being Patton and Emile seeming to have similar traits of good-natured talkativeness, they had ended up continuing the conversation with Emile leaning by the doorway. Roman had just finished up telling the story of all the hoops they’d had to jump through to even be able to see this place, and Patton picked up right when he finished with their first impressions.

“You can see why we picked this place,” Patton laughed, gesturing to the rosebud wallpaper. It was very 1950s, but when Roman saw it he had picked Patton up and teased him about how he was all over the house already- and Patton had giggled and blushed as pink as the little flowers themselves. But he didn’t reiterate that part to Emile, it seemed a bit too personal. “It’s just beautiful, and the view is gorgeous- I know it seems a bit silly but it was kind of the home I always pictured living in as a child..” he ducked his head slightly, brushing vermillion curls from his eyes, but their neighbor smiled along with him.

“You can see why I just had to insist,” Roman said with a large smile, wrapping his arms around Patton’s middle and making him squeak, “My dear sunlight was shining like his namesake when we finally got here- not to mention on our walk in the woods! Though I doubt I was much better,” he chuckled, “That forest is just magical, is it not? I swear I was certain we’d come across Rapunzel’s tower any minute!” But Emile frowned at that statement.

“You...went into the woods? For how long?” “Oh, only an hour or so,” Roman responded, waving a hand, “At least when I was there anyway-Patton was telling me all about his adventure this morning as soon as I got home!”

“You went alone into the forest?”

Patton nodded- and for a moment he was afraid Emile would be angry- or that there was some terrible danger there that the fey hadn’t warned him of..but Emile only looked concerned. He sighed, pushing horn-rimmed glasses up his nose. “I...wouldn’t do that if I were you. The fringes are usually fine, but the deeper you go- well, there are wild boar in there. Not a good place for visitors, or locals for that matter.” He shook his head and placed one hand on the door frame, stepping out into the evening sun.

Roman and Patton shared a glance, and after a moment Patton stepped out of his boyfriend’s arms and offered the concerned man a small smile.

“We’ll keep that in mind- thank you. And it was great meeting you!” “You too,” Emile replied, giving them one last friendly nod, before he stepped down the path and Patton closed the door behind him.

They stood in those positions, staring at the door, until Roman voiced what was going through both of their heads. “...Do you think he knows?” “I...I don’t know.” Patton’s voice was quiet, his gaze cast to the floor. “He could.” “Perhaps you could ask them tomorrow?” “Oh- yeah, I can.”

There was a moment of silence. “I’m sure it’s nothing though,” Patton assured. But only the air would relax at the words, because though both of them nodded, neither of them would really take the comment to heart.

It rained the next morning. Not a light drizzle either, but the heavy summer rain- Patton left the house swaddled in a bright blue raincoat, his hands shoved in his pockets. It felt better once he got into the woods, but the branches would often bow under the weight of the rainwater and dump hundreds of drops down onto is head. Despite his hood, by the time Patton reached the clearing the fey had appeared in, his red curls were plastered to his face and his glasses were completely fogged over.

He honestly wasn’t sure if Truth and Lies would appear today, with this weather...but he wasn’t going to assume anything. The massive oak that stood proud in the center of the clearing, to Patton’s relief, was tall, dense, and wide enough that it didn’t seem to be showering the ground with droplets, so Patton found a relatively dry root to perch on and pushed back his hood, shaking the water from his hair like a puppy.

He unzipped the raincoat too, just enough so that he could use the hem of his faded pink shirt to clean away the moisture from his glasses and slip them back on- and then jolted backwards in shock, smacking his head against the trunk of the oak and letting out a yelp of pain, for there were the two faeries, hanging from a branch by their knees and twisted together like a butterfly’s cocoon, both pairs of eyes staring straight at him.

“Oh, Patton!”

With his eyes closed, he couldn’t be sure as to whose petal-soft fingertips lifted up his chin before sliding around to feel among his wet curls for any sort of bump on the back of his head, but judging by the silky tone, it was Lies. “We don’t offer any apologies for startling you so..that looked comfortable.” Definitely Lies. Patton opened his eyes, still seeing flecks of sparkle at the edge of his vision- ow, that was going to swell most likely- to see the green fey only inches from his face, with Truth just a little farther away, his hands placed on the root right next to Patton’s right thigh and leaning over his shoulder. Instantly, Patton’s cheeks flushed, and he let out another squeak, this time one of embarrassment.

“No! No it’s okay, just a little bump- clumsy me really, not your fault, it happens all the time!” “Are you certain?” Patton’s nodded vigorously, and to his relief the two moved back a bit, sitting down on a raised root opposite him. Not that he minded their presence, it just...it surprised him, and despite his friendly nature having such fantastical creatures only inches from his nose- it just- it was scary! Not because he was scared of them, of course, it just...it felt like they were looking right through him.

“Well...that’s good. We almost thought you wouldn’t come. What with the rain and all. I find most humans prefer not to go out in such weather.” “Oh- I wouldn’t miss it!” Patton quickly exclaimed, “I mean, sure the rain’s kind of a pain, but that’s why I have a coat!” “That’s good,” Truth smiled, “We’re glad you’re here.”

“Of course- what was I going to do, watch TV instead of meeting with faeries?” The notion was ridiculous- Patton laughed, and the two fey added their musical giggling to the mix of sound. Patton felt a spark of pride for getting them to laugh.

“True, true, but you must remember that of course not everyone is willing to accept our existence.”

“Right.” Patton..he felt bad for those people. Those who refused to accept there might be childlike wonders in the world..maybe he got called immature or gullible for his willingness to accept the fantastical- but that was fine. Their loss.

“So..Patton.” He was jolted out of his musings by Lies’s smooth voice, and looked up, to see the green fey tapping his glimmering cheek.

“What do you think of that tour?” “Tour? Oh-OH!” Patton flushed, embarrassed at his absentmindedness, “Of the woods?” “No.” “Um...well, I don’t really think I should. Don’t want to lose track of time, y’know?” They just blinked.

Patton shifted on the damp root, suddenly self conscious, and looking for a subject change- when he remembered the conversations of the previous evening.

“Nevermind- actually, I kind of wanted to ask you two something?” “Of course,” replied Truth, leaning forward a smidge as both tilted their heads. Patton brushed a hand through his wet curls, trying to push them back into something that made him look a little less like a drowned poodle.

“Well..Roman really wants to meet you, but he couldn’t actually come today- but he’s free on Friday...so if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I was kind of hoping maybe we could meet then too? So he could meet you?” The words came out in a bit of a rush, and when Patton looked up almost sheepishly, he was met with the sight of the two fey sharing another one of their odd looks.

“That sounds terrible Patton..” Lies said with a smile, after a moment of that silent discussion, “Was that all?” “Ye- no! No, there was actually one other thing..” bringing up Emile felt..more invasive. But he’d promised Roman he’d ask..and he was horribly curious himself.

“Our..new neighbor came over last night. He’s really nice- but it kind of ended on a..not-so-good note. He warned us to stay out of the woods.” “Well of course, none of the humans who’ve settled here find themselves afraid of the forest,” Lies dismissed, waving a hand and leaning onto Truth’s shoulder. Judging by the blue fey’s expression (hard to read as it was) he didn’t seem to think this anything important either. “...Well yeah- but you know, we were just a little worried that he knew something- you don’t know an Emile, do you?” He felt a bit bad, possibly giving out part of someone else’s name..but it’s not like he could just describe him right? They had to have seen so many people.

“Emile?” Truth frowned, tapping his delicate fingers on Lies’s knee, “No, I don’t remember any human by that name in recent years..” “I definitely remember him.”

Patton felt his shoulders relax slightly- and a laugh escaped his throat. “Of course- I knew it was probably silly, but I just wanted to check.” “Of course, cautiousness pays off well.”

“You sound like Virgil,” Patton chuckled. Well, Virgil would have phrased it more like “People can call you paranoid, but they won’t be laughing when you’re stocked for the apocalypse and they aren't.”

He missed Virgil..

“Well then Virgil must be immensely intelligent,” Lies commented, holding out one hand in front of his face, observing his nails- and Patton almost frowned. Lies’s odd opposite-speak was a bit hard to adjust to, true, but Patton caught on quick- and he swore the fey had just called his friend stupid! “Hey, he’s n-” But Patton was cut off by the sound of Lies’s laughter as Truth, his face pinched with offense, pushed the green fey off of the root and onto the slightly muddy grass. Lies let out a shriek, his laughter turning to something of disgust as he leapt to his feet and quickly brushed the mud from leaflike skin. And Patton suddenly felt immensely silly for jumping to conclusions, as he realized that Lies was in fact, taunting his brother. But he also didn’t really blame himself- years of going to bat for his friend had conditioned him to be very protective. And that was a good thing!

He found himself muffling a giggle with one hand, then almost jumped as he suddenly felt a body press against his side. Quickly turning his head, he realized that Lies had slid onto the root next to him instead of his brother, and wrapped his arms around Patton’s left arm, tucking in close. It sent Patton’s cheeks absolutely ablaze, his laughter dying in his throat (along with any other sounds he might consider trying to make) but the fey didn’t even seem to notice, instead flashing a wide smirk at Truth.

“Well, if you’re going to be that way, maybe I’ll just make sure to share this one..” “As if you wouldn’t have been caught in your own web centuries ago without me,” Truth sniffed. “Well excuse me for refusing to have any fun at all..” Lies drawled, letting go of Patton’s arm only to drape himself over his lap, slinging one slender arm around Patton’s shoulders to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. Warm tingles spread down his spine, and Patton shivered. He almost felt like he couldn’t move, or speak. He didn’t want to disturb the delicate scene.

“Now who’s groping the poor thing?” “Hm? What do you mean?”

It was then Patton realized that the two were indeed aware that he was still there- and probably even his reactions to their actions..which made him hide his hands in his face in order to cover up a blush that probably made every freckle on his face stand out like seeds in a watermelon. “No-it’s um-” god he couldn’t even get a word out “fiNE it’s fine I don’t really mind.” Lies laughed- and leaned up to press a delicate kiss to Patton’s temple before sliding off his lap. Patton went absolutely rigid, and by the time his thoughts calmed down he realized the green fey had perched himself back on the branch over Truth’s head, dangling one arm and one leg over like it was a perfectly soft sofa and not a cylinder of wet, rough bark.

“Now now Patton, remember, obvious lies aren’t my job.”

He had the feeling he was supposed to laugh at that, but as he was currently engrossed in trying to function like an actual person who wasn’t a tomato in a raincoat and could speak words, it was a bit difficult.

“I apologize for him…” Truth sighed, brushing a droplet of water off of one of the cobalt spots on his cheek.

“No- no, it’s really fine I mean it,” Patton managed to get out, though he did end the sentence with a very awkward high-pitched giggle that he would rather have avoided. He kicked his legs a little in an effort to distract himself.

“Hm...you said your “boyfriend” couldn’t accompany you today- why is that?” “Oh, he has work. His shift is a lot earlier than mine,” Patton explained quickly, grateful for a subject change. He received no answer immediately, but did notice Truth tilt his head thoughtfully, and heard Lies let out a scoff from his place languishing on the branch. “Work. I didn’t think humans would have gotten over such a notion by now, of course I suppose it wasn’t vital a time ago..but now you seem to do it just for boredom!”

...Patton couldn’t honestly argue too much there. He might be an optimistic soul who, while having a very strict moral compass, didn’t like to dwell too much on the terrible things about the world he couldn’t do anything about as a single person, but you couldn’t live around Virgil without being fully educated as to the sins of capitalism and the emptiness of what most people were brainwashed to believe was “necessary” work in order to earn the basic right to live.

“Yeah..it’s a..thing.”

“What does he do anyway? You’ve all gotten past farming right?” Truth asked a bit boredly, tracing a pattern on the root with his finger. Patton pursed his lips, trying to figure out how to explain it all.

“Well...I mean no, a lot of people still farm since we need food, but thanks to technology most people have other jobs. Roman um...well he works at Sephora, which is a store that sells makeup, which is like- facepaint! Yeah, humans paint colors on their face to make themselves look different.” “Oh how despicable!” Lies exclaimed- a little to Patton’s surprise, considering the...well not disinterest, he wouldn’t call it that, but general..detachment, that the two fey had expressed so far. “What?” “Oh, it’s just so awful to hear you’re finally taking some enjoyment in your little lives,” Lies said with a smile- and Patton felt his own lips curl up too, the faerie almost seemed to glow when he grinned, despite the cloudy sky and tree shading the three of them. “Humans in the past were just so interesting, not scared of their own shadows and not a single hour of the day spent working!” ….Honestly, Patton could...see that. He wouldn’t want to live a few hundred years ago, even if it was some alternate universe where there wasn’t any of the admittedly awful social norms..he’d feel trapped. Trapped in one role, in one or two places, with little ability to know what else was out there or meet new and interesting people unless he dedicated decades to traveling. He wouldn’t quite call the humans of the past “scared of their own shadows” as opposed to “superstitious” but here he was talking to a pair of faeries so...that assumption could be wrong. In fact it probably was. Goodness, he was still having revelations!

“....tton?” “Huh?” Patton’s head snapped up in surprise- and immediately felt something soft against the back of his skull. He quickly realized it was Truth’s’ hand, and then came the embarrassing realization that he had almost bashed his head into the tree again. His cheeks flushed, also because he had just realized he had gotten lost in thought while being spoken to. “Oh-thanks..” “Of course, we wouldn’t want you to hurt your head again.” “Are you alright?” “Of course!” Patton scooted forward, a bit away from the tree that the back of his head seemed so very fond of at the moment. “Sorry, I just..got a little lost in thought there. Again. How very..root of me!” He giggled, tapping the twisting root he and Truth were sitting on, and felt a little bit of pride in his chest as he noticed Lies’s lips quirk up again. “I wouldn’t say that’s a clever bit of word play.” “You think so?” “Of course not.” “..Gee, thanks..” Patton dipped his head a little, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Normally people just laughed (or groaned, but oftentimes it was really the same thing with puns) not acknowledge the little joke. “You’re a real sap, aren’t you Lies?” And there were the reactions he was used to- a musical laugh from Lies, and an agonized groan from Truth. “Please don’t encourage him…” “Come now Truth, his jokes aren’t darling..when will you learn to humor people?” “When doing so doesn’t result in being subjected to terribly constructed wordplay,” Truth responded flatly. “Plus, flattery is your job.” “Oh yes, and that’s why you’re the favorite.” “Excuse me?” “Face it, no one knows I’m the better seedling.” “It is likely they only say that so you don’t throw a tantrum.” Lies gasped, a look of exaggerated hurt flashing over his pointed face as he drew his hands to his chest protectively- and in that moment, the two of them so much resembled Virgil and Roman- one responding to goads with dry wit, the other teasing but reacting with “horror” when the words were turned back on him, that Patton was unable to stop himself from bursting into laughter. “..Pardon?” “It’s- oh, it’s-” Patton let out another bout of laughter at seeing the expression crossing the face of the two faeries, and by the time he stopped, his face was still glowing with mirth.

“You just- you argue just like Virgil and Roman!” “...We do?” Truth’s voice was...actually surprised. And a little confused. It was the first time in the hours he’d spent with them that Patton was actually certain that he knew what was going on in the fey’s head. “Yes! They bicker just like brothers sometimes, it’s adorable!” He got no response. Truth and Lies simply glanced at each other, but Patton was too full of glee to feel embarrassed at the silence. “..Say, do you think we’ll ever meet this Virgil?” asked Truth, and Patton briskly answered. “I’d like you to- but it probably won’t happen. I mean, he lives in the city, and it’s about an hour away when there isn’t traffic..and Virge really doesn’t like driving in traffic. So if he does visit it won’t be often- and…” his smile dropped, “Well, no offense, but Virgil isn’t really..well, he probably wouldn’t feel too comfortable around you two.” “...I see.”

Lies’ response felt..wrong, to Patton. But thankfully, he was saved from delving further into that awkward topic by the sound of Night Owl. Not the actual bird of course, though it was dim out due to the rain it was still late morning, there wouldn’t be any owls about- but the sound of the alarm Patton had set to remind him when he had to start heading home to get to work on time.

“What was that?”

“Just my alarm,” Patton responded, pulling his phone out of his pocket and turning off the alarm, sliding off the root and onto the damp grass. He noticed the way Truth and Lies leaned towards him and the phone- no doubt curious, but as much as he’d like to explain, he really had to get going. Especially considering that he might get lost on the way back.

“...An alarm,” Truth repeated, and Patton nodded.

“Yeah, it’s a noise I set to play so I remember to do certain things- like, I need to go right now, for my job.”

“Oh, must you?” Asked Lies, with a tone of voice that could only be described as a whine as he slid from the branch and wrapped his arms around Patton’s waist- which made him squeak as his face was pressed into the faerie’s chest.

“Can’t you stay just a little longer?”

“....No, I’m sorry, I really have to go,” Patton insisted, very gently squirming out of the fey’s grip and ignoring his pout. “But I’ll see you on Friday, right?”

“Right,” Lies sighed, and Patton heard the soft sound of feet touching down onto grass, turning to see Truth had stood from the root, and was smiling gently.

“Right. And we are so looking forward to meeting your partner.”

He placed a kiss on Patton’s forehead- and though Patton did not squeak this time, he did blush and giggle. He turned, zipped up his raincoat and pulled his hood up over his damp hair, still smiling.

“Goodbye!”

“Goodbye,” the fey chorused, but when Patton turned back around to wave, they were gone.

Well, that seemed to be their way. So he waved anyway at the empty glade and turned around, marching off through the woods and savoring the smell of damp leaves and wood.

Tags: @patton-croc-agenda @why-things-go-boom @tawnyevergreen @jynxlovesluck @towersandmyrtles @notveryglittery @per-seph-o-nee @definitely-a-plant @starryfirefliesbloggo @karmels-stuff @impatentpending @the-parentheticals @chinesewaffles2 @whatwashernameagain @em-be-lievable @theincediblesulk @xx-fandom-potato-xx

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tillie-bean · 7 years ago

Text

Echodragon Reads: P4 Chapter 3.

Hey guys, Echo here, and today we delve into chapter 3 of the worst thing I have ever read. I hate my life.

Chapter 3: Battling a Boisterous Boy

EchoDragon: Why? Why do you have to do this to me?

I yawned softly as I sat at my desk.

EchoDragon: Oh, no, I’m having flashbacks to the first chapter!

It was 1:01, meaning only 119 minutes were left for the day.

EchoDragon: Stop clock! F*ck sake, nobody does that! They count down the hours, not the MINUTES.

Then there was only two more days of this.

EchoDragon: There WERE only two more day, author. Grammar is important.

Is it weird to be counting down the seconds until I wasn’t expected to attend this institution anymore?

EchoDragon: *deadpan* is it weird that I don’t care that you just changed tense?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those stupid brats that moan whenever they have to use their underdeveloped brains for 3 fifths of a second.

EchoDragon: Suspiciously Specific Denial!

However, what I hate is the weeks when we aren’t learning anything, and that is what we are currently doing.

EchoDragon: You! You are the one who is ruining grammar! I’ll kill you!

The teachers are just killing time and ‘phoning it in’ until the latest batch of ungrateful brats leave for the year to go out into the real world and learn just how soul crushing the experience is.

EchoDragon: It’s not that bad! I’m doing all right!

I am sure the best part about being a teacher is running into your previous, annoying students and seeing how much the real world had crushed their spirit and their dreams.

EchoDragon: umm, that took a dark turn. I’m pretty sure that teachers aren’t that cruel.

I am sure if I was a teacher and I ran into one of those insects like… James and Rachel I think is their names… and I saw them with their eyes full of despair with their ambitions and annoying mannerisms ground into nothing I would feel so validated and smug.

EchoDragon: Not one single comma was seen in that entire sentence. I hate my life. Also, what was that? I have no idea what just happened. The first paragraph was just a horrible mish-mash of words that the author just pulled out of her ass. F*ck this.

I drifted off as I thought back to yesterday. After I was given my Pokemon, Professor Juniper also entrusted me with the most important part of the scholarship of hers, A Pokedex.

EchoDragon: Why? You don’t have to sit an exam to get a Pokédex! Author just wanted to make Bitchy look better than everyone else! *Flips a table*

Most people think the most important part about this scholarship is the rare Pokemon.

EchoDragon: the starter Pokémon aren’t that rare, you know. Anyone can walk into the lab and be given one, as shown in the previous chapter.

However most people are idiots, and idiots are too busy distracted by the cute Pokemon to realize how important a small, portable information resource on every Pokemon in existence.

EchoDragon: Yeah, because you didn’t notice how cute they were! You didn’t notice at all!

It is like carrying an entire library with me everywhere I go.

EchoDragon: oh, please! Bitchy, are you seriously trying to tell me that you can READ? You’re a liar. A lying liar who lies.

It is literally priceless, which is probably why so few are made and why you can’t just go to some store and buy one.

EchoDragon: Wait, you can’t? So where do all of the Pokémon Professors get them, then? I refuse to believe that they aren’t made by a company somewhere. That’s like saying that you can’t go any buy a DNA sequencer. You CAN, but most plebs don’t know where to buy one, and they cost a hell of a lot of money. But scientists are given research funds, and said research funds pay for things like fancy equipment. I refuse to believe that each Pokémon Professor only ever has two to give out. F*ck you, Bitchy. Why don’t you pay attention to the world around you? Then maybe you wouldn’t be so f*cking stupid.

As I was trying to find something to distract myself, I realized I had subconsciously pulled my Pokeball out of my pockets.

EchoDragon: yes, she pulled one Pokéball out of multiple pockets. Anyone else see the problem with that? As a side note, I completely lost where we were in that stupid Pokédex speech, and forgot that Bitchy is supposed to be at school.

I don’t even know why I brought my new Tepig, but I did.

EchoDragon: I know the answer!

As someone who (unlike most people my age) has never owned a Pokemon it was always quite fascinating to me seeing people get so attached to Pokemon.

EchoDragon: Oh, I get it. She’s a special little snowflake because she has never owned a Pokémon before. F*ck you.

I hypothesised that it was something similar to the attachment a mother feels for their baby, and now that I own one I can confirm that hypothesis.

EchoDragon: Wait, she has a BABY? How old is she? She’s still at school! I take back everything I said, give this girl some RESPECT! She’s raising a kid! What? Oh. She meant that she now has a POKÉMON. Yeah, never mind. *takes back the respect*

Maybe Pokemon and humans have evolved to form quick and powerful connections with each other?

EchoDragon: Because that would be so shocking! That NEVER happens in nature! *Slams down a textbook on co-evolution*

All I know is if it can effect someone like me it must be powerful.

EchoDragon: NO. F*CKING. COMMAS.

“You have a Pokemon?”

EchoDragon: Who? Who is speaking right now?

I looked up after hearing the high pitched squeal, and saw that Rachel insect was looking at me shocked.

EchoDragon: Why is she shocked? It’s not an unusual occurrence in the Pokémon universe.

“Good, it can analyse information. Pretty soon you will have the intellect of an insect.”

EchoDragon: Why do you speak like this? It makes you sound so stupid. Author, I know this is called Predictable, PRETENTIOUS Pokemon Plot, but do you have to be so pretentious? You swallowed the Thesaurus, didn’t you?

I mean what is the point of asking stupid questions like that?

EchoDragon: *With her head in her hands* what’s the point of reading this stupid fic? *Sobs*

Of course I have a Pokemon. Who the hell would bring an empty Pokeball with them to their school?

EchoDragon: Oh, I don’t know, Bitchy. Maybe Pokémon Trainers? You know, they might want to catch some new Pokémon? Wait, what am I talking about? Of course they wouldn’t. Because Bitchy said so! *flings everything off her desk in a rage*

Then again, this girl was a little on the thick side, both intelligence and appearance wise.

EchoDragon: Oh, no. you did not just f*cking say that. Ok, author. Imma get real with you, right now. Do you know how many people have issues with their weight? I do. I know, because I’m one of them. It’s an actual problem with actual consequences. Do you know what makes it worse? People like you. People like you who think that just because someone doesn’t have the ‘perfect’ body shape, or isn’t the ‘ideal’ weight, you think you have the right to take the piss out of them, and tear them apart. Do you know what happens when you do that? People become obsessed with their weight, until they can’t see how they really look, and are convinced that they are fat. What the hell is wrong with being bigger? Nothing. Do you really think that calling someone fat makes you any skinnier? It doesn’t. Likewise, calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. So instead of trying to tear people down and make their lives a misery, why don’t you think about what you write, and actually realise that your words do have an effect. Hell, their making me angry right now! But even when you aren’t directing it at someone, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to offend them. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

For someone who cares so much about their appearance, she sure seems happy to let herself go.

EchoDragon: What’s the betting that author went to school with a girl called Rachel, and is now trying to get revenge? She’s starting to sound like Stephenie Meyer.

Rachel looked over to her boyfriend, and whispered something into his ear.

EchoDragon: ‘Hey, James… wanna do it so we can leave this God-awful fic?’

He looked back at me, smiled his creepy, greasy smile and turned back to her.

EchoDragon: He just had a burger, didn’t he! I want a Goddamn burger…

That smile literally made me shudder, how creepy can you get?

EchoDragon: It’s very creepy; author has no idea how punctuation works! *cowers in fear*

The rest of the school day went by more or less without incident, unless you treat insufferable levels of boredom as an incident.

EchoDragon: Which is why you just skipped over it.

However, after class was dismissed and everyone left something weird happened.

EchoDragon: Bitchy saw a comma! She had no idea what it was. It was so scary, she died of fright.

I was standing there at my locker as I noticed a herd of my insufferable classmates had started to crowd me.

EchoDragon: Please tell me they have pitchforks and torches…

I had no idea why, but I assumed about 5 of them decided to surround me and thanks to the stupid sheep mentality most of the populous possesses everyone else just started huddling around me.

EchoDragon: I… don’t even care anymore. Wake me up when something actually happens. *sleeps*

I looked at them and sighed, I really didn’t want to interact with these sheep, but I had to get through them.

EchoDragon: *snores*

I closed my locker, picked up my bag and walked towards the crowd before stopping in front of them.

EchoDragon: *still sleeping* Why doesn’t she just go a different way?

“Move.”

“Say it nicely.”

EchoDragon: *wakes up* what? Ok, that sounded a little bit… creepy? Things like that are only said in rapey situations. Just saying.

They guy in front of me creepily giggled after he finished talking.

EchoDragon: So he’s an eight year old girl? Why the f*ck did I wake up?

How patronizing can you get? Why would I act polite to you when you treated me like a child?

EchoDragon: Bitchy, I don’t know how to break it to you, but… you ARE a child.

“I am not going to say it nicely, now move.”

EchoDragon: *facepalms* come on, Bitchy. Even I know when to shut up!

“Awww nah Jasmine, we got a few things we need to talk about. You can’t go anywhere until we are finished talkin.”

EchoDragon: Who the f*ck talks like this? Scratch that, who the f*ck is speaking? The author never actually tells us. You could add ‘he said’ or ‘she asked’, and at least then it would be slightly easier to follow this story.

I turned around when I heard the new voice, and saw the king and queen of the sheep standing right next to my locker.

EchoDragon: I really don’t need a running commentary, Bitchy. Show, don’t tell.

Well, at least Rachel and James explained why the sheep were here.

EchoDragon: Why is she calling them sheep? If she was smart, she would call them Mareep.

“And why are people surrounding me like this?”

EchoDragon: Because they all want to kill you. I’m leading the mob. *waves pitchfork*

“Ahhh, cus word got out what I am bout ta do ta ya.”

EchoDragon: No joke. That’s actually what was written. What I find weird is that in the first chapter, James could actually speak like a normal human being. Also, if he was really that bad at speaking, he wouldn’t have said ‘I am’. Just saying.

I looked at him, was this some sort of lynch mob?

EchoDragon: Whenever author uses commas, she uses them in the wrong places. Just once, I would like to be able to read a sentence and not insert commas in my head.

Not that’s stupid, why the hell would those people get a crowd to attack me like this?

EchoDragon: I know the answer!

Well they wouldn’t it is that simple.

EchoDragon: Does anyone have a comma?

But something was definitely wrong here, something weird.

EchoDragon: No, Bitchy, NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

“And what exactly can insects like you do to me. Apart from beating me up which if that is what you are here to do is quite pathetic.”

EchoDragon: Can anybody understand what she just said? I bloody can’t.

Some people might think that is digging my own grave, but honestly I doubt comments like that are going to trigger anything.

EchoDragon: Correct, Bitchy. They won’t. Because they make NO F*CKING SENSE.

If my comments were the straw that broke the camel’s back then they were probably going to attack me anyway.

EchoDragon: Oh no! She had apostrophe itis! Kill it with fire! *Breathes fire*

Also I get enough abuse hurled at me, I don’t want them to think I am inconsistent.

EchoDragon: *whispers* what the f*ck?

“Wat I’m gonna do is I am gonna get dat pride of yurs and smash it inta peeces.”

EchoDragon: What the actual f*ck? Why is he speaking like this? Why? There are so many red lines on my screen at the moment, I’m pretty sure that my word processor is going to die again. IF MICROSOFT GETS TO ESCAPE, I CAN TOO! DON’T LEAVE ME TO DO THIS ALONE! *dies* *word processor dies*

What the hell is he talking about?

“What the hell are you talking about James?”

EchoDragon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“Well, I know dat you got yur Pokemon yesterday right?”

EchoDragon: Oh. My. Arceus. Why is he talking in text-talk? I get it, he can’t speak. But how the f*ck do you pronounce ‘yur’? Answers on a postcard, please!

Not right, left.

EchoDragon: What?

But he was correct.

EchoDragon: I know he’s right. We just spend an ENTIRE F*CKING CHAPTER waiting for you to get the stupid thing.

Congratulations to him, he wins fabulous prizes.

EchoDragon *as the author* ‘haha, I’m so funny! This joke is hilarious! I’m so smart, and so is Jasmine!’ *whispers* F*ck you.

“Yeah why?”

He sneered and smiled his usual, shiver inducing smile. God that guy is disgusting.

EchoDragon: Hey, Bitchy, maybe you should tell everyone how horrible James is again. I think some people might have missed it.

“Well, I myself have my own Pokemon. And me and Rachel ova here were thinkin we could battle you.”

EchoDragon: *EastEnders music plays* Shock f*cking horror.

I sighed, the crowd was probably here to witness what was happening.

EchoDragon: You think?!

Not many people here had Pokemon, so Pokemon battles were a rare spectacle that people flocked to, similar to the crowds that gathered in the colosseums of ancient civilisations whenever there was a fight between a man and a Pokemon.

EchoDragon: But you said that you were the only one who didn’t have a Po- actually, why am I even surprised? Anyway, author, what games have you been playing? Pokémon and humans fighting EACH OTHER FOR SPORT? I must have missed that. Oh, that’s right. It never happened, but you wanted to create your own source of canon. F*ck you, whore.

Those were dark days in human civilisation.

EchoDragon: Today is a dark day. F*cking blue skies, and I’m sat here reading this s*it.

“And why would I waste my time, and potentially risk my precious Pokemon’s health fighting someone like you?”

EchoDragon: *singing* never mind, I’ll fight someone like yooooouuuuu... *head desk* I don’t know, Bitchy. Maybe because you’re a f*cking Pokémon trainer? It’s what they DO, you f*cktard.

This time, Rachel stepped up in front of James and decided to answer me in her completely not charming and incredibly shrill voice.

EchoDragon: We get it, you don’t like her. Shut up.

“If you are so much betta than the rest of us why the hell wouldn’t you want to battle us huh? After that little speech of yours I am sure you want to demonstrate how much ‘betta’ you are than the rest of us. But if you’re too scared I guess you aren’t as great as you say.”

EchoDragon: How old are you, author? In what universe do people older than four act like this?

She more or less repeated the same thing twice, which was annoying.

EchoDragon: Here’s an idea, author. If you yourself can see that you have just repeated the same thing over and over, maybe you should stop being redundant, and start trying to fix it. If you think your own writing is annoying, instead of pointing it out in your own story, CHANGE IT! Then I wouldn’t be reading it, and I would be happy again.

But even more annoying was that, whilst I was fully aware that she was using a childish tactic to trick me into helping her that only an idiot would fall for.

EchoDragon: Wait, what? What was annoying? I’m so f*cking confused! That sentence should not have ended there!

The problem was whilst I wasn’t an idiot, I was falling for it.

EchoDragon: Bitchy is an idiot = confirmed.

Something about what she was saying was tickling something in me, infuriating me.

EchoDragon: Umm, DUH. That’s the whole point!

I looked up at the crowd, I probably couldn’t make them move so I might have to battle anyway…

EchoDragon: Or you could say no…

No that is me trying to justify fighting these people by tricking myself into think I haven’t fallen for something idiotic.

EchoDragon: How could you miss that typo?

Dammit why do I have to be so self aware…

EchoDragon: *laughing* what? What the actual f*ck? Do you even know what being self-aware IS?

Whatever, what do I have to lose?

EchoDragon: your Pokémon, maybe?

Nothing except my pride in myself, which doesn’t matter too much to these people.

Echodragon: YOU wouldn’t be the one battling, though, would you? Your Tepig would be. So you clearly don’t care about your Pokémon, which you claim to love like a child. F*ck you.

I sighed before I dropped my bag.

EchoDragon: why the f*ck did you drop your bag? Oh wait, I don’t care!

I reached down and pulled out the red and white coloured ball of mine.

EchoDragon: Purple prose is purple.

I stood up.

EchoDragon: I don’t care…

“I am not necessarily happy about being goaded into this, but I accept your challenge.”

EchoDragon: Hey, No one is FORCING you to battle. You could just walk away. It’s not like you met his eyes or anything.

There was a loud ‘OOOOOOOOOH’ing sort of noise from the crowd, probably to signal that they were surprised I accepted the challenge.

EchoDragon: No, it was to signal that you’re a little bitch.

Honestly though it sounded like that mating call of some weird predatory beast found in the middle of the Hoenn rainforests.

EchoDragon: what rainforests? There are no rainforests in Hoenn, unless I’m very much mistaken.

James scratched his face as he laughed.

EchoDragon: Why did he do that? Did he have an itchy face?

“Lady, I’m gonna make ya take back that little speech of yers.”

EchoDragon: Why is everyone so pissed off about the speech? I know, it was horrible, but she’s done so many other s*itty things. I really don’t think they should be focusing on one event. They should instead focus on how much of a s*itty person she is.

The only thing more gross than his smile and laugh was the way he butchered the correct pronunciation of basic words.

EchoDragon: you know, I really don’t think I could have worked that out on my own. Thanks for the clarification. Now go sit on a cactus.

“And once I beat you it will become apparent how below me you truly are”

EchoDragon: Ok, I have no idea who is speaking. I’m assuming it’s Bitchy, but for all I know, a random person could have started speaking.

Once again this man and his girlfriend started laughing, I don’t know why since I didn’t say anything that warranted such a reaction.

EchoDragon: They looked at your face, Bitchy. That’s why they laughed.

“You are at least honest you whore.”

EchoDragon: Aww yeah, slut shaming! Yeah, you tell her, James/Rachel!

There was that annoying, shrill voice again.

EchoDragon: It would be so much easier just to say: ‘Rachel said’ at the end.

The name however annoyed me, since by all definition I am not a whore.

EchoDragon: Just keep telling yourself that, Bitchy.

I have no idea why people like her seem to lose their cool and devolve into insults so easily but what should you expect?

EchoDragon: Because when you insult people, you’re trying to hurt them. So she called to a whore to hurt your feelings, because you treat her like s*it all the time.

“Dis is gonna be a one vs one Pokemon match, mine vs yurs. Simple enuff right?”

EchoDragon: This doesn’t happen before a battle, you know. You just decide to battle.

James pulled out a Pokeball as he explained the rules to me.

EchoDragon: I really f*cking hate the writing in this fic. I know he’s explaining the rules. I can read.

I half expected it to be covered in dirt, so I was pleasantly surprised when it rather clean.

EchoDragon:Hey, author? I think you that sentence.

Looks like whilst he couldn’t maintain a clean appearance he could maintain a clean Pokeball.

EchoDragon: that’s because he likes to touch his balls…

“let’s get this over with. I should be home by now. Go Vulcan!”

EchoDragon: hmm. Let’s see how appropriate the nickname ‘Vulcan’ is, shall we? Ok, so Vulcan is a Roman fire God, commonly associated with volcanoes. Ok, I’ll give you that one.

I threw down my Pokeball, and once it hit the ground my small pig Pokemon burst from it, before the ball floated back into my hand.

EchoDragon: Pokéballs don’t float…

Yeah I nicknamed my Tepig, so what?

EchoDragon: there’s nothing wrong with nicknaming a Pokémon!

And no I don’t care if you don’t like the nickname.

EchoDragon: Was that supposed to be an author’s note? When writing in the first person, the character isn’t really supposed to be directing narration as if they know the audience is there. You’re breaking the fourth wall there, author.

Once I had caught the Pokeball again my Tepig oinked loudly, and turned around and looked up at me smiling a stupid looking smile that made me smile myself.

EchoDragon: Why are you saying that Tepig looks stupid? It’s adorable! You’re a little Bitch, and I hate you.

“Pffffft you called your Tepig Vulcan, how lame can a bitch like you get.”

EchoDragon: Of course. The ‘enemies’ don’t like it.

I just explained that I don’t care if people dislike the name Rachel.

EchoDragon: No, you said you didn’t care if people didn’t like the name VULCAN, Bitchy. Also, Rachel couldn’t hear you. She can’t read minds.

Shut up, and stop swearing too it is unnecessary.

EchoDragon: I don’t want to stop f*cking searing! Imma use all the Goddamn swear words I like, Bitch. You know what, you f*ckwit? I’m gonna swear in every bloody sentence from now on, and you’re just gonna have to deal with it! Peace out, mother f*cker!

“Nickname or not, Imma make pork chops out of that pig. Go Patrat!”

EchoDragon: *sniggers* Ok, that was pretty funny. I like you, James.

James threw a Pokeball down as he shouted that and once it hit the ground it released a small, brown rat with eye that looked like the eyes of a lunatic in a children’s cartoon.

EchoDragon: Ha! Get it! Patrat IS in a children’s cartoon! That’s so funny! *grabs scalpel* Get out.

I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was ugly.

EchoDragon: That’s funny, that’s how I felt when I first saw this fic!

The unknown Pokemon growled at the back of my Vulcan, which attracted my Pokemon’s attention and caused him to turn around.

EchoDragon: Oh, for f*cks sake, the Tepig is as stupid a Bitchy! I’m pretty sure it would hear someone talking and maybe think: ‘oh, things are happening, maybe I should turn the f*ck around instead of looking at this bint,’ but no. Vulcan the Tepig is cursed with stupidity. I’m so sorry, Vulcan. Your life will be short, and full of hatred. Let’s have a moment of silence for Vulcan the Tepig. He was too good to be this stupid. *Gross sobbing*

Once it looked at the Pokemon that I recognised from studying as Patrat my Vulcan realized what was happening, and tried to intimidate it by growling. However it failed miserably at it.

EchoDragon: If you recognised it, why did you say it was unknown? Are you really as stupid as you look?

I kinda wish I knew more about that Patrat though beca… wait I am a moron.

EchoDragon: I could have told you that!

I have a Pokedex in my pocket,

EchoDragon: And I have no f*cks left to give!

You know, a device that is more or less a portable library.

EchoDragon: Oh, God, don’t start on about the library AGAIN!

I pulled out the Pokedex and opened it up slowly.

EchoDragon: I don’t care. At all.

Having used it on Tepig yesterday I knew how to use the basic functions, so I didn’t look like an idiot in front of this crowd.

EchoDragon: Right. After using it very briefly ONCE, she knows exactly how to use it. I call bulls*it!

Then again I don’t know why I care if they think I am an idiot or not.

EchoDragon: I don’t know either, Bitchy. You don’t like these people, so why do you care what they think?

I opened my Pokedex and pointed it at the Patrat, when the automatic scan feature was enabled.

EchoDragon: you opened a Pokédex that was already open. Right.

After a second of loading suddenly its screen was filled with information about Patrat, such as its potential move-pool, typing, information about the species and where you can find it.

EchoDragon: I… think you may be confusing the Pokédex with the DexNav, which is similar, but NOT THE SAME THING! Dumbass.

I looked at the Pokedex and using this information quickly came up with a plan.

EchoDragon: Ok, I’m going to cheat here. The rest of this chapter is the single most boring attempt at a Pokémon battle that I have ever read, so I’m going to skip it, and just give you a quick run-down of what happened. Ready?

Vulcan the f*ckpig used Tackle. Tackle is never a plan. Patrat used Tackle. Both Pokémon got hurt. I don’t really get it either. Vulcan used Tackle. Patrat used Tackle. I try to kill myself from boredom. Tepig used Ember to, and I quote, “Burn that ugly Patrat!” Tepig used Tackle. Patrat faints. Then we get this gem.

I won, as expected from someone like me.

EchoDragon: The end! That was s*it. And guess what? Next chapter, author tries to throw a plot into the story! And yes, it is crap.

Bye for now, Puddings!

~Echodragon

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