#Postal Headcanons

[hopekreymin]

Just my headcanon.

[sil3ntfr34k]

Champ was probably a stray puppy P1 dude found dirty and weak in a ditch. Dude could relate to him, being all alone and weak, IMMEDIATELY snatched that little guy up and took him home.

[flowersandbirdsflyingfree]

Mr. and Mrs. Dude Headcanons: What Went Wrong? (Angst Warning)

The Postal Dude and The Bitch were married for about 7 years, dating for literally 10 months. The Dude met the Bitch at a club around ‘95. They grew up in Scottsdale. Her real name was Shannon [REDACTED].

Dude had been disowned by his step-father and the Bitch was in a rebellious phase. Both were seeking a need for constant validation and ego stroking, which was the catalyst of the toxicity yet to come.

It started off as a coming of age type of relationship. The Bitch was the first person to ever make Postal Dude feel wanted. Like he wasn’t some loser tumbleweeding across the desert. They were pretty much inseparable since day one. They shared their first kiss in a movie theater… and then she gave head in the back row.

Bitch got tattooed Dude’s name on her right boob. Dude had his favorite photo of her in his wallet: the two of them sharing a lighter for their cigarettes.

Their banter was a love language. It also reflected the part of Bitch he felt challenged by: her attitude. He thought he could tame her fiery ways. Her anger was kinda hot. Little would the Dude know it’d come to bite him in the ass down the line.

Dude was introduced to Bitch’s family. They didn’t like him one bit, except for a younger sister who thought he was pretty cute. Because Bitch’s parents were so pushy for their daughter to get married, no one stopped her.

The wedding was a church mass followed by a really fun reception! It seemed like the future was bright. Champ even got a slice of wedding cake.

The Bitch would get into a fight with her parents that left them on low contact. The “honeymoon” was a roadtrip to a music festival Uncle Dave hooked them up with. Life was sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll, baby!

The first year was the happiest year of their marriage. Both were too blinded by their shallow infatuation for each other to see that there was zero stability and depth in their foundation. They were two young people who rushed quickly into things. Peace didn’t bring them together. It was a drug for constant adrenaline that did. Marriage was the test that failed their relationship. Everyone’s the asshole in this situation.

Dude slacked way more once they tied the knot. Reality had set in that keeping a job was very hard with a criminal record. His lack of work ethic thus killed the bedroom for good. Or was it his erectile dysfunction?

The Bitch was no better herself. Her once playful teasing changed to harsh degradation. She would eat her feelings and did next to nothing in return, despite expecting Dude to “pick up after himself.” Nothing got cleaned, cooked or cared for. She didn’t get a job either because she was already working full-time to drive this man up a wall.

On a good day, they tolerate each other like roommates. But on a bad day? Expect broken plates and public disturbance to the neighborhood.

Their song was The Way by Fastball. Dude can’t listen to it anymore without thinking of her, so he hates it now.

After the nuke hit Paradise, she managed to get their marriage annulled by the church without telling him. This explains how she was able to attempt marrying her side piece: Jewish Mad Cow Demon Mike Jaret.

Dude doesn’t handle his tougher feelings well. He could acknowledge that the woman he loved never existed, but that’s too much to swallow. All that matters is he finally has peace and quiet. Just him, his dog and the trailer. Thank God!

[paulsram]

Stupid school doodles miau I love postal dude

[m43d4y]

For fun here is how I imagine the dudelings would react to getting hugged by Peepaw (P4)

Again this is mostly just for fun so don't take it super seriously (altho there are some serious topics) it's just pretty much my personal headcanons for their personalities :)!!

-P1-

Peepaw is literally the only person he trusts in this fucked up world, no one else but the old man takes his paranoia seriously and genuine tries to help him through it. So if gramps were to give him a hug he would immediately latch on, death grip on his robe anywhere his hands rest with his head burried in his chest. He can't say anything in his moment, just accepting the warm embrace of the one man in this world who cares about him, his parents didn't... Not even the other Dudes. So he would fully welcome it, probably crying into his clothes if his emotions overwhelm him. But more often than not he will be fully quiet, as if he was a kid hiding in a closet trying to make his breathing as quiet as possible.

-P2-

Any sort of physical contact makes this man tense up, so a hug would not be any different. Although rather strangely he wouldn't push him away, simply standing in place with his arms flush to his sides. Sure he would be telling the old man to fuck off or acting like he hates it but a small part of him knows he needs it. Or may he does hate it, maybe he'll immediately push Peepaw off and say something about he's not some sissy who needs to be coddled. It really depends on his mood, but most of the time he will resist and be all grumbly about it. He just hates physical contact pretty much.

-P3-

Mr carefree and snarky would be all the same, laughing and making jokes the entire time as if it doesn't effect him at all. It's just a hug! He has no reason to get all angry or emotional about it! But rather notably he wouldn't be hugging back... He'd just stand there laughing and saying how the old man can stop... But he doesn't. And the longer this goes on the sooner the man's internal feelings will show. Telling Peepaw how he didn't need his cheap affection, no more laughter and no more jokes as he's trying his hardest to contain himself. All he wants is to be seen and heard... And as soon as he gets it he doesn't know what to do with it. He hates getting choked up...

BONUS!! -Other Dude-

Nothing. Absolutely no reaction. Not even a joke, no anger, no nothing. Maybe mocking laughter at the start but after that he'll go deathly quiet. He genuinely feels nothing about this, he'll only let it go on for a while longer before letting the old man's blood soaked body fall to the ground.

[hals-homo-blog]

Giving Postal 2 Dude a Bath

P2 Bath Anon I hope you see this. I thought your idea was really cute and I wanted to do some nice hcs of my own for it q v q I really hope you see this. I see you, you are funny and nice and ily. (/pla)

HE’S FUCKIGN STINKY! The stink had CROSSED the line, and Reader needs that man warshed NNNNOWWWW‼️‼️

Really, it depends how close you two are, how deep into the relationship you are, etc :3c Earlier on? Good luck, he’s not gonna have anything to do with that. He’s still gonna be mostly closed off from having the previous relationship be So Very Shitty.

Later on, though? After you’ve been together a few years? After he trusts you and is more comfortable with you? I think he would begrudgingly allow it. He knows he reeks to high heaven and something needs to be done about it. Your nudging about it would push him over the edge to Just get it Over with.

You’ll have better luck if you propose the idea of bathing together as opposed to just you giving him a bath like a Stinky Dog :3c however Stinky and Dog-like he may be. You had better believe he’s gonna be naughty about it >:3c Thats prolly why he agreed in the first place. The water ain’t the only thing that’s gonna be steamy in there. >:3c

You would definitely have the best luck if he was stoned or drunk or otherwise altered. He’s already looking to feel good, hence being altered, and the nice hot water with your fingers massaging the shampoo into his scalp, giving him lots of attention, definitely fits the bill.

Ok, as for Not High and Not Sexy, he’s still hesitant about it, like the previous writer mentioned, he is a grown-ass man I can see it being like those classic cartoon cat-baths where he wedges his limbs against the tub so he doesn’t get wet.

He very well may bite you, Anon. >:3c Don’t scrub too hard or let the soap get in his eyes (The sunglasses stay ON during bath time 😤) otherwise it’s a one way ticket to Chomp Town. I hope you had your rabies vaccination, pookie. <3

I think it would be a nice, intimate thing in the end, building trust, deepening the relationship, showing Dude that you’re different, this relationship is different and that this sort of vulnerability is ok.

Enjoy Clean Dude while he lasts, because you’re not coaxing him back in there for a loooong time. Dude is stinky, that is his natural state, he will soon return to it and bring balance back to the universe.

BONUS HEADCANON: From my good friend @spiderh0rse, if he’s Stinky and Doglike, HIT HIM WITH THE HOSE!!

Somebody has drawn this meme with the Dude, right? Surely. Surely someone has, I feel like I’ve seen it lol.

Hhh I hope you enjoy!! I haven’t really done a headcanons thingy like this before, so I hope it came out ok.

I mean no disrespect to the writer who was originally given this prompt q v q I just thought there were a lot of funny and sweet story opportunities that were missed out on, and I wanted to explore them a bit. I apologize if my making this comes off as rude or mean 🙏 /gen

I do think the Dude is capable of tenderness and/or non-sexual intimacy, it just takes a lot, a LOT, more work to get there for the s/o, y/n, reader, etc.

[duckydemons]

was thinking about champ..

my personal hc is that the bitch convinced the dude to get a puppy (when he didn’t want to) because she wanted a kinda like.. nuclear family type thing

and eventually, the dude became a “dad and the dog he didn’t want” trope cause he starts to realise that champ wants to be around him and is happy around him - as does any regular dog - as the bitch gets more moody and well, bitchy and stops giving him affection as much

so when the marriage officially falls apart at the start of apocalypse weekend, he just steals champ cause he’s all the dude really cares about, hence why he goes looking for him in like every single postal game.

and obviously, he loves champ so much more than the bitch to the extent that he literally refuses to get back with her even when she apologises at the end of paradise lost (pacifist run only) so..

in conclusion, champ and dude, my sillies ever

[blackenedsnow]

POSTAL MASTERLIST

P1 DUDE

p1 dude with a fem! alternative! s/o

p1 dude with a s/o who has trauma and psychosis

p1 dude learning to love and be loved

P2 DUDE

p2 dude with a s/o who has self harm scars

p2 dude having a night in with his s/o

p2 dude with a baker s/o

P3 DUDE

p3 dude with a fem! alternative! s/o

p3 dude having a night in with his s/o

P4 DUDE

sleeping with p4 dude

BD DUDE

bd dude x reader x alt dude who kidnaps reader all the time

MOVIE DUDE

movie dude x reader

ALL THE DUDES!

postal dude x reader with insomnia

the dudes having a cat person reader with lots of cats

dating the dudes

the dudes as cats

the dudes with a chubby s/o

the dudes being showered in kisses by their s/o

the dudes with a super feminine s/o

cuddling with the dudes

the dudes with a p0rnstar! s/o

the dudes with a s/o who knits and sews

i also write for movie dude, and shtoper!! :) request away.

[transfrogwithcoolsocks]

My postal headcanon?

Postal dude plays the drums and hes fucking good at it

Its a good stress relief for him :)

[napsfork-brainrot]

hcs of what Postal Dude has done in the past and WILL do again if not monitored

Eaten glass

Touched fire with his bare hands.

Tried Champ's dog treats and food before. (had to get his stomach pumped, rip)

Has pissed on public property (obvs)

The Cat Incidents™

Stole pennies from many, MANY fountains and wells.

Tried, and failed, to catch a bird with his own hands.

Attempted to cow-tip but couldn't push the cow over and had the cops called on him.

Attempted to throw his own jarate at people, TF2 style.

Attempted to eat a whole dill pickle and failed, he is NOT the throat goat.

Eaten out of Champ's food bowl because he didn't want to do dishes.

Stole, and continues to steal, Krotchy dolls from any Wal-Mart he enters.

He's probably escaped jail before, I don't know and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

[deth-of-a-junkie]

i have a lot of postal dude headcanons, so ive split them up.

so heres my postal 1 dude headcanons

p1 dude has a special interest on the jets and weaponry used in ww2 and the vietnam war, but also the U.S military as a whole. he specifically likes to collect vintage U.S military memorabilia and propaganda. he can go on for hours about the faults of the government and government greed and corruption, he hates the system. he also knows a lot about JFK assassination theories and will go on for hours about them.

oh yeah. postal 1 dude is autistic.

he also has a spin on guns. he knows them all by name and loves to learn about different manufacturers and how each one are built. he knows how to deconstruct them and put them back together. he even has some guns he's made himself. legal? probably not. he doesnt care.

p1 dude also prefers reading in books for information instead of searching the web for them, so amongst the mess of his house is just piles upon piles of books.

p1 dude also is great at poetry. he loves writing too, which is why i think he started his diaries.

he also loves drawing! he loves going out and drawing scenery the most, he also likes drawing nude figures. he finds the human body to be interesting.

p1 dude is religious. im divided on if i see him as someone whos spiritually aligned closer to catholics (though i wouldnt call him a straight up catholic, he doesn't like the church.) or pagen.

talking about pagen dude, correct me if im wrong, i dont know much about pagenism (but ive been trying to learn more as of recent), but he specifically worships greek gods. out of the gods, his favorite is ares.

he hangs around poostall dude a lot. they arent really friends, they're kinda opposites of each other, but poostall looks up to him as a mentor in philosophy among other things.

he used to be active in his local punk scene when he was younger. he has a lot of cds and tapes of obscure bands that almost no one has heard of.

he loves metal more then anything though, and he also has a large collection of horror films (all on vhs, a few of dvd. he doesnt have his dvd player plugged in so he only uses it if he has too. also refused to buy blueray. if its the only option he burns it onto a disk himself.).

his favorite genres of metal are melodic death metal and prog metal. i would also say dsbm but i feel like thats too corny. he loves opeth. also death.

he's non-speaking most of the time by choice. the older he's gotten the more he started to isolate himself, and he usually chooses to ignore people when theyre talking and not respond at all, mainly just people who ask for directions and stuff on the street he'll just ignore. he just doesnt feel the need too, he likes to stay invisible.

talking about that, he hates leaving his house. it used to be because of anxiety but it slowly became due to his other mental health issues getting worse, especially his fear of everyone being out to get him/everyone else being demons/whatever your interpretation of his reasonings behind postal 1 is.

3 in one shampoo. also uses hand soap to shave instead of shaving cream. also uses hand soap to wash his face...

he needs glasses. his sunglasses also has his normal prescription lenses in them, his eyes are sensitive to light so he chose to make them sunglasses too (i believe this is possible. if its not, well it is now). he also has a 2nd pair that are just normal glasses, he uses them only to read or when he's walking around his house at night. (this is totally not me self reflecting with the realization that i just found out i need glasses..../s)

I DONT KNOW HOW I FORGOT TO MENTION but also has a special interest on nuclear disasters, nuclear power plants, and radiation. theyre not separate theyre all apart of one fixation that branches off the core idea of nuclear power. like he cant have one without the other. if that makes sense.

also uses he/they. he doesnt out right say it, he doesnt use social media so its not like, in a bio or anything. he just naturally picked it up. will also accept she being used to refer to himself, but is not something he states publicly or asks people to do. he was surrounded by the queer community growing up as most of his highschool friends were apart of the community so he just one day realized he wasnt opposed to it being used in reference to himself.

he is an ASSHOLE. he used to be more considerate in his youth but the older he got the grumpier he got. he is SCARY when he insults someone. like he will have an entire ass speech of him just degrading someone until they literally have nothing left to say for themselves.

doesnt get angry though. he's calm when hes upset and frustrated, or will straight up just make fun of and make harsh jokes about the situation (i mean that like. if he gets into a disagreement with someone on the street he will laugh at them and mock them by teasing them. thats what i mean.)

[bichitodibuja]

Zane and arson!! (AKA p.dude 1 and p.dude 2) :3

This drawing it's basically based of my headcanons!! Zane used to be in a very oppressive cult and was named the red devil or Cain (because he accidentally killed his brother), he has schizophrenia and Arson he's a trans guy/non binary/whatever they're chaotic and have memory issues because of a head injury and hears voices from time to time, they do sex work and basically they try to get money to transition! :3c

(like this is just based on silly headcanons and internal jokes with friends!!)

[sil3ntfr34k]

very politely on my hands and knees asking for an postal headcanons you have i adore your writing

More Postal Headcanons!!!1!!1!

(also im doing mostly P1 bc he's infecting my head meat with his worms)

The day that P1 Dude snapped and killed everyone was because he thought someone was following him, which he wasn't wrong. Someone was following home, but he just never gets out so he didn't know that it was just someone who lived in his neighborhood. INSTANTLY thought that the 'infected one's' where finally gonna kill him.

P1 wears a trench coat bc it makes him feel safe. It covers most of his body and has a lot of pockets to put his trinkets and weapons in.

P1 also loved English class when he was younger. Read a lot of books before his love for literature lead him to read about more graphic things like war documentaries and medical books sometime in middle school

Dude relies heavily on Champ. Since he sometimes sees things that aren’t there, he looks at Champ and tries to motion to what he’s seeing. If Champ doesn’t react he knows that what he’s seeing is fake, and vice versa of Champ doesn’t react. Dude has a really hard time handling himself if Champ isn’t with him, which is why having a day job for him is extremely hard.

Doesn't listen to music, raw dogs life. He knows popular artist like Taylor Swift and stuff, but just knows the name, he do has no idea who's face is who's or anything. Just the name

P2 Dude actually enjoys killing people! He has his calm moments, but nothing makes him happier than shooting someone's head off just for giving him rattitude. Very self-liberating to 'put an asshole in his place'

P4 dude is so ready to settle already. After everything he's been through, he wants to just have a stable place to call home and have someone who will take care of him bc GOD KNOWS he can't do it himself.

Champ is older with p4 Dude, so Dude tries to play with him at least a little a day and give him a treat when he can't spend time with him bc he know's champ's life is probably gonna end soon

Postal Dude is just that trope where he starts off too energetic and wild and then calms down later in life. It's probably annoying but it's the best for him.

[absolutelybatty]

So P2 Dude in the gimp suit is flat as a board

PBD Dude has a dump truck ass in his hospital gown

So is his internal sense of himself just caked up for no reason?

[paulsram]

Hi okay. Do u people like black flag 💚 I love this cover and I also like postal very good blend it’s probably not 100% accurate but whatever

[consumed-by-fandom]

This could apply to all the dudes but I’m thinking specifically P2 here.

A lot of Dude’s acting out seems to be in retaliation a lot of the time. Someone pulls a gun out on him, he does the same. Someone insults him, he does the same. Even just being mildly inconvenienced makes his brain go on the attack. It’s almost like he’s never learned to brush things off, although he believes that’s what he’s doing. He can take pain and trauma easily supposedly, but in reality he really isn’t. Something to do with his hatred of vulnerability, can’t be seen as weak and just being hurt over and over like a stress toy so he’s always gotta hit back harder. Brush aside the things that would normally make others scared and afraid, and use violence as the answer for everything.

It’s a lot of repression I think. It’s his response to everything because maybe before that was never an option for him. He wasn’t allowed to choose his response, always forced to be a doormat if his relationship with the Bitch is anything to go by. It’s like a child who’s been told they can punch the bobo doll if they want and no one will stop them. And Dude doesn’t seem to care about consequence enough to believe in anyone stopping him.

Peace and forgiveness isn’t a concept he’s all too aware of I think. He’s capable of it and even prefers it, absolutely, but he’s so quick to accept violence and getting revenge that I’m guessing he’s been hounded by the same people in his past over and over and being told to not fight back never solved anything. But fighting back does. Fighting back makes other people afraid. And I think he likes people being afraid of him. It’s safe.

I think its very easy to overlook P2 sometimes from a psychological standpoint simply because he’s very good as masking how he really feels. And he’s very good at painting himself as just a nutjob everyman who responds to every situation however he wants. But its never really been explained why. And I don’t think its just taking too much bullshit and snapping. He’s done this before, just perhaps to less of a degree than the week in Postal 2. Siiiigh my brain suffers from terminal Dude brainrot