#Please watch some movies made by queer people made for adults.

[football-in-tuxedos]

You mention that James Somerton is transphobic but aside from misgendering Nate Stevenson and Rebecca Sugar that one time I'm not sure what you mean can you explain

I mean, that is what I'm talking about, but it goes deeper than that. Cause like, the point he was making isn't...ENTIRELY bad? There's a lot of complexity to it, and it ties into issues of tokenism and the male gaze and fetishization vs. representation, but there is an actual discussion to be had about how queer women are portrayed in media, and by who, as opposed to how queer men are portrayed. He is filtering it through his usual biases, so he's not really diving into the complexity, but there is a real point there.

But the thing is...why go to Nate Stevenson and Rebecca Sugar for that point? Like, if you wanna talk about queer women being allowed to depict themselves in their art, you don't need to misgender Nate and Rebecca to do that. Céline Sciamma, Jambie Babbit, Angela Robinson, Cheryl Dunye, Clea DuVall, Chantal Akerman, Dee Rees, Donna Deitch, do you see my point? Both Alice Wu and the Watchowskis had stuff about queer women on Netflix, the same platform She-Ra is on. He could have named other names.

Now, I do admit some of that might be playing to his audience, and also playing into my point about him being a discoursed poisoned online queer person; Both his audience and queer people who I feel are overdosing on discourse tend to lean towards kiddy shit more than other stuff and a lot of the names I named make artier stuff for adults. And finding those names would take an ounce of research (like, I dunno, browsing down the list of The L-Word directors on wikipedia and looking for women) and their gender identities had to take a back seat to his laziness.

And that's transphobia.

[stxrr-strxckk]

Something I noticed about I Saw the TV Glow that I haven't seen anybody mention yet

I saw this movie in theaters back in early may when it was released (Twice!), and it's been lingering in my head ever since then. Something I noticed on my second watch through: When Owen (and the audience) first see the Pink Opaque, we see Tara and Isabel in this sort of 90s nostalgia light, and I always thought they looked quite similar to Maddy and Owen. For example: Here is Owen and Isabel next to each other for reference.

While it's not entirely the same (Owen has softer features and is warmer toned, Isabel is more sharp and cool toned), they do look like they'd at least be related, cousins at least?

Same with Maddy and Tara, though not as much. (They looked more similar after Maddy's haircut, but I'm too lazy to change the photo)

But then, at the end when Owen is rewatching Pink Opaque? It's completely different. That nostalgic effect is gone and all of a sudden Tara is nowhere to be seen (Since Maddy left the world they were trapped in), and Isabel is completely different. Instead of being the confident, strong, WOC we see her as originally, she's just the same boring white protagonist of every little girl's show we grew up on.

And of course Owen is panicking, realizing that he lost his chance: He buried Isabel; she's dead underground, without her heart and instead of being who he truly is where he truly belongs, he's just... Owen. Stuck in suburbia, living the hell of being a queer kid growing up in the suburbs. Except now, he's an adult living a lie, knowing what he could have had is gone and he's stuck.

And another thing: I think the choice of the fun zone being where Owen works is deliberate. Sure, they could have kept him at the theater, but the theater shutting down is not only accurate (sad but true- please support your local movie theaters!) but shows how everyone is moving on from that experience of going to see a movie (and also from the joy of childhood and into adulthood while Owen is still stuck that awkward teenager!) in person- choosing streaming instead.

And we also notice this change in the Pink Opaque when Owen is watching it streaming. This is a reflection of how media felt more special growing up when it was in a physical form. Cds, vinyl, Dvds, casettes, film reels, even game cartridges, we've always had some physical object that bonds us to the worlds of creativity in which artists express themselves. And whether you've noticed or not, it's a special sort of feeling that just... Dies with streaming. Its like you own a piece of the media. Like saying: "This is mine, it's my personal piece of media that belongs to me and only me." and that's always made it feel special. Sure, there may be multiple copies, but this one belongs just to you. Not to mention the ritual of actually putting in cds, dvds, casettes into a player, or playing vinyl on a record player. There's this action you have to take to consume this media that's familiar and sort of gets you to anticipate what you're about to watch (much like Owen and Maddy's ritual of Maddy taping the show then leaving them around school for Owen to find) whereas now, you're just on a streaming service that lots of people own, and you're just mindlessly scrolling through hundreds of options.

Another thing: What do we see when Owen cuts his chest open in the final few minutes? TV static. Like when a tape finishes and you don't take it out of the player. His tape is over, Isabel is dead, and all that's left is the static of his fake life as he slowly rots in this husk. Now with streaming, you don't get that static. His connection with the Pink Opaque stems from his friendship with Maddy, the nostalgia of his favorite childhood show, and of course: his own queerness.

It's no secret this movie is about growing up queer and feeling like something is wrong. Like some part of you missing, the part that makes you normal. I've seen many reviews on IMDB that clearly missed the point, so I really want to spell it out here: THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT QUEER PEOPLE FOR QUEER PEOPLE. And I've never seen a movie so perfectly encapsulate that feeling more than this one.

From my experience as a queer POC growing up with little to no representation I know this feeling all too well of seeing someone and realizing: "Wow, that's me." And projecting who I wanted to be onto that person. Even though they're not queer, they're not a poc, they're just a character. We try so hard to make them into who we want to be that the image of this character becomes so distorted you barely recognize them. Then, later revisiting that media to realize that a: you've become them, your true self, or b, in Owen's case: that you've buried that person alive and barely recognize yourself now.

It's really such a unique experience that I've never been able to put into words before. These scenes gave me such a visceral feeling and I almost cried in the theater. The scene of Owen in Isabel's dress is just the cherry on top. I myself am lucky enough to not need to transition and growing up I didn't feel as much dysphoria as my other trans friends, but this reminds me of a good friend of mine who used to dress in heels, makeup, skirts, and dresses to try and lessen the dysphoria she felt growing up in the wrong body.

I also love how the movie shows being queer in school.

Like how Maddy asks Owen if he likes girls or boys, and he replies with: "I think I like TV shows."

Avoiding the question because you either don't know the answer, or are so afraid you're gonna get bullied even more for being who you are.

Growing up, there weren't many queer kids in my school. So when we found each other, we stuck together. But for most of school, we were alone. No groups, not many friends, no space at the lunch table for us.

And seeing Owen, I just felt this connection to him almost immediately. Alone, not part of any group, until he finally finds Maddy. They don't have anything in common except the show, which is really the only reason they're friends, but it keeps them together, They're bonded.

For me, I see this as finding another queer kid in a mostly straight school. You may not have much in common, but that identity means you two will stick together, no matter what.

TLDR: I love isttvg, it makes me cry, everyone is gay and fuck imdb.

[princelance]

a movie........

time for a rant that has been a looong time coming because

the FUCK??? NOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE NO NO NO PLEASE GOD IF YOU'RE OUT THERE NEVER LET THIS MOVIE SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY NEVER EVEN MENTION THAT SHOW EVER AGAIN IN MY PRESENCE it should fucking DIE and stay DEAD

the WORST fandom i've ever come across/been part of. everyone was so fucking braindead. god the bullying here was So Bad. vld fandom was the epitome of 'you can't enjoy what you like'. and the bullies were like, some of the most popular blogs here. the content creators (among others ofc) here were NASTY. the people making decent art were so fucking rude to almost anyone that didn't bow down to them and agree with their views on the show, sitting on their high horse like they were fucking gods or something when they were like, 17 or something. mind u voltron was a show about ugly transformers lions and a bunch of kids in space meant for 7 YEAR OLDS. like stfu it's not deep, it's not important. i get that this is the internet i really do but apparently everyone was a pedo and homophobic and racist and needed to be cancelled because they weren't pure angels. i hope the people who liked the show, both teens and adults alike, have grown up and learnt what those words actually mean and why you shouldn't just casually throw them around. i hated you all. u had to be so careful about what you said on here, it was like north korea or something. i remember how kids got bullied into deleting their harmless fanfics, the fucking voice actors got bullied on a daily basis, it was BAD. i remember i got hate for having shiro as my icon and the background was the bi flag colours. I AM BI. also, so what if i had headcanoned shiro as bi, you couldn't have stopped me or anyone else from thinking that, and also IT WOULD NOT HAVE MATTERED, HE'S FICTIONAL, HE'S JUST LINES AND PIXELS. i know this is going to shatter some of your worlds (or at least would have back then), but a random ass nobody on tumblr headcanoning a character as bi when said character is "actually" straight/gay/whatever is NOT going to affect irl queer people in any way, it does NOT have real life consequences. who gives a fuck. since when has the fandom given a shit about canon anyway? fuck you.

okay, i've been bitching about the fandom enough (no i haven't, there's no way you can ever bitch about the vld fandom enough). what about the actual show? well. once again it's meant for 7 year olds. who cares if it was good or not. i've seen seasons 1–6. i liked season 1, didn't really like anything after that since the show seemed to change so much. the first season kind of has a different vibe completely? idk how to explain it, it just kind of feels like the actual show and then the rest was just a long fanfic by someone who was in love with keith's character. but since i was watching the show with my sister who was 10 at the time, it was fine, otherwise i wouldn't have kept watching after seeing season 2 i don't think.

here are a few negative things about the show imo:

making keith the main character out of nowhere after s1 (where he definitely wasn't the main focus) was so dumb. god the showrunners loved keith sooo much, it was so stupid. keith was nooot a leader. whatever.

making keith the black paladin was also so fucking stupid my god. and yes, everyone here wanting LANCE to become the black paladin just because he was the fandom favourite (don't get me wrong, he was my fave too) was so fucking braindead too honestly. shiro or allura. no one else made any sense.

canon allurance SUUUCKED. like holy shit that was so bad and horribly written, even lotor and allura had a better love story and had waaay more chemistry (and their relationship ended badly, rightfully so). and NO klance was never ever ever going to be canon, you were so delusional. like lmaooo did we even watch the same show? i just really enjoyed their dynamic and that's why i shipped them together, whatever. but yeah, like i said the bullying here was disgusting and everyone was cancelled, great, klance seemed to be the only thing you were allowed to like so in that sense i was lucky.

everything they did with allura in the later seasons............ you know what? i'm not even going to start. because wtfffffffff, as a storyteller myself i ?????? what in the world were they thinking. but yeah whatever it does not matter.

the point of this post is that EW EW EWWWW FUCK THAT SHOW AND FUCK YOU, if you were in the voltron fandom in 2017/2018 i personally hate you

[omvimo]

saw the mean girls musical and i have alot of thoughts (spoilers under the cut)

okay so first off GOD I AM NO BETTER THAN A MAN RENEÉ RAP HIT ME UP PLEASE anyways besides me being gay for the entire cast, i did really enjoy the casting. Them being hot is a plus, they can all sing VERY well, acting was amazing. Only person who I think was casted wrong was Aaron. No hate to the actor, he did a great job it just didn’t seem like Aaron yk.

I saw alot of people complain about how they used social media in it but like hot take it was used well. Like in the beginning of sexy, i have no idea how they would get Karen to talk to the audience for the “if i could change the world” bit otherwise.

THEY FINALLY MADE JANIS A FUCKING LESBIAN. Like we all knew, but to not only confirm it, stage it not a bad thing, AND to have her go out with a girl? QUEER JOY AT ITS FINEST

speaking of gay people, cady was %100 in love with regina and experiencing comphet with aaron. Like the first time cady looks at her, shes staring into her tits i mean eyes. And the bathroom scene at the end with the “i like you” just makeout already you fags.

now the song.

okay so, as said before, the whole cast has beautiful vocals, and I enjoyed all of it, but I just genuinely prefer some of the original broadway cast over them. Mainly Barrett Weed Wilson over Auli’i Cravalho. You can see it best in someone get hurt reprise (which isnt even out on music platforms smh) and no hate to her I just like Barrett’s voice better. BUT I do think Jaquel Spivey CARRIED every song he was in, dare I say ever SCENE give this man more screentime.

what i didn’t expect was the level of cinematography there was my favorite part was when we see regina on the treadmill and its all dark like she’s going through a depression and then transitions to the red lighting in world burn for her anger, its just top notch

my biggest complaint is how they cut and shorten songs like MEET THE PLASTICS WAS LITERALLY JUST REGINAS PART WHAT also WHERE THE FRWEAK IS FEARLESS AND STOP

also unrelated to the movie itself, this group behind me was laughing everytime a song started and was just being rude to everyone in the theater and these were full on adults too like ugh learn theatre etiquette or just stay home smh

overall i’d give it a solid 9/10. would watch again and probably will

[quixotin]

I can't be the only one who wasn’t particularly impressed with Challengers, right?

I mean. The cinematography was great. The music made me feel like I was at a rave in Berlin with the hottest people on Feeld. And the premise was absolutely excellent. Chef's Kiss. Delectable. A pair of bisexual boys being dominated by Mother as they pathetically try to make her their girlfriend? Yes, please. It's the reason I watched it, because it had so much potential.

But.

Is this really it? Is this really all bi representation can come to in this, the year 2024?

I'm just tired.

I'm tired that bisexuals in adult media are represented as these messy, toxic, "don’t know what they want and make it everyone's problem" archetypes that are so demeaning. And that's if they're represented at all.

The bisexuality of Patrick and Art (but more so of Art) is completely left up to your interpretation, and in a world of media that has to come to represent lesbians and gay men in better light, the fact that the same cannot be said about bisexuals is a pity.

I guess, in a way, interpretation is all the bi's have both on and off screen, as it is difficult to pin-point a moment, or a look, or a way of acting that is undeniably Bisexual Coded™️ outside of the sexual spehere.

But that's precisely the point. That is what is so tiring about this conversation. The fact that society's interpretation of bisexuality never moves past a codification, and it's a catch-22. Bisexuality cannot be put in an either/or box. The orientation, and even identity at some points, is fully dependent on context, so it is difficult to grasp by people only attracted to one gender, regardless of context. But because it is contextual and therefore difficult to grasp by society at large, it is often overlooked and misinterpreted, leading to an internalization of negative perceptions and a lack of a third space in the social and mediatic imaginary.

What I am saying is that Challengers had an opportunity to celebrate the bisexuality of Art and Patrick. But instead, it made it a problem. It made it the conflict and called it a day.

And I haven't even mentioned the absolute shit it took on polyamory. Because boy.

It is the same complaint, though. It's about the conflict being based on the miscommunications and unspoken affections of these three people, them clearly being suited for each other, and then throwing in the expectation that the girl HAS to pick one and handling it in the worst possible way. It felt cheap. It felt unintellingent. It felt as "queer" and as "spicy" as that one Saltburn scene was to anyone who has spent more than 5 seconds on Wattpad or AO3: Absolutely mild.

It was baiting at its best for poor polyamory. It was bastardized as a sexy little fantasy the straights and monogamists could indulge in for 2 hours of running time, but now, now, kids. Remember to take your moral of the story with you: Polyamory is Bad, and you can only have The One™️. I mean, there wouldn't have been any toxicity if the conflict had been handled through the lens of normalization of polyamory, and that’s what makes it so frustrating. It would've been funnier, steamier, to have these three come to terms with what they felt and find an arrangement. It would have been more interesting to have Art and Tashi find a way to make ammends with Patrick and reconcile. It would've been wittier if an external force came in between their polyamorous arrangement. Hell, if you wanted to keep your crappy plot, you could've had Patrick fuck Art instead of Tashi as a moment of conflict resolution and that would have sufficed to improve it. But no. Writers in Hollywood have tiny T-Rex hands, and low-hanging fruit is all they're good for.

And look, I get it. I know the movie wasn't supposed to spell it out for you. I know the point was to read between the lines, because this was a tennis movie that wasn't at all about tennis. I know that in the end, there's room for interpretation, to believe that Tashi was hoping they would reconcile and that in the end, they do. I know that. But my point is that the arguments that build the movie's identity as bisexual (and even poly) are blink-and-you-miss-it moments. And on top of that, the qualities that make these characters arguably queer are painted in a negative light.

So, like, yeah. I don’t know who the audience was for this movie. But clearly not the bi's and not the poly's lol.

I saw it with my own polycule, and we couldn't stop raging lol.

[dearunreliablenarrator]

✨Good day!✨

For the elemental asks:

Psionics: How do you get into the heads of your characters?

Summer: How do you know when you need a break from writing?

also have an awesome day ✨

✨pip pip✨

before we start: TL;DR! i think back to traumatic experiences and drop them in that situation, john quiñones dupe🤩 ; forcing myself to write is like shittin’, push too hard and you’ll get a hemorrhoid.

psionics: How do you get into the heads of your characters?

we’ll stick with the big three for this one. and forgive me when it gets a little mystical in here. and maybe a wee bit sappy. now, i’m a whole hearted believer in that characters are reflective of their creator, from avoiding topics to indulging in them. with that being said,

Grace Davis & Simone Thompson (CUTS): these girls and their stories, are the unfortunate outlet to being black, queer, and depressed in the height of covid. the world shut down on itself and so did its people. we isolated ourselves in more way than one. i think i missed out on one of many crucial parts of life that evolve self exploration and expression.

their heads, just like mine at that time, are riddled with the worries of adjusting to college life (for context, i was a freshman in college when covid hit) not just once but twice. as they never truly bounced back like that world demanded; go back to normal and ignore the plight of those around you, rise and grind.

spiritually, they reflect my ascendant (yes i know some people have ruined the name of astrology but stick with me). which is in scorpio-in a degree i don’t know much about-- so boom we have the moon which is believed to be the face of emotions and scorpio which rules the genitals. can you imagine the turmoil of an isolated new adult unable to express themselves because the forces at hand are too strong to handle alone? they're watching the world burn and being stinged by its flames and now they have somehow glue the pieces back; everyone please bow your head in prayer for these young ladies.

amen.

and we’ll keep forces as a general term, as it’s different for everyone. (psht! spoiler, one got to be gay in peace and the other has a homophobic father 🥰) i also really started my deconstruction on religion here so that’ll be in there too but enough on them today, let’s move on to our romantics.

Warren and Elaine: omg being a romantic these days is so hard! and as the reflection of my thoughts on that, they’re here to show you that romance is only perceived as dead cause it’s not easy! they are my characters to stage the perfect romance; and in my our heads that involves knowing when to say you don’t know and when to say you’re wrong.

and i think we’ll keep it short n’ sweet for them, i fear i will get off topic so onto FREEDOM

Emilia: while not the only star to this show, is the reflection of wee little saturn before they became a gas giant. so she's sheltered, protected, and ignorant to how the world works. but as someone who has a curiosity for everything, she wants to explore what's been hidden from her as a child and to test the limitations of humanity. long story short, we working with the inner child and teen here, a good coming of age like the movies.

alright! still with me? cool..

Summer: How do you know when you need a break from writing?

over the years, i've learned that bad shit has to come out to be polished into a good one. with that being said, when it starts to become a struggle instead of a challenge, i stop. point blank, complete shutdown. if it feels like something isnt flowing in a way i'm used to, i step away. which is sometimes hard, because i feel like we all want to produce something every second; but that has burned me out. so when it feels like i can't get myself to create what i've envisioned, i just take a break. breaks are good. rest is good. you alway come back better than if you had churned out something just to flush it.

---

anyways in the midst of my ramblings, i hope i've made sense (feel free to ask questions, i don't bite)! have a good day/night/evening/mornin'!

[scarefox]

Some BL babies under the Playboyy trailers: "But can the actors ever face their parents again?" and "BL is doing too much now"

I don't even know where to begin with this. Like literally porn actors and / A(dult)V(ideo) idols exist and they still have good relationships with their parents and friends. Some parents are totally fine with their GROWNUP kids to go into the adult industry. SOME (grownup!) "kids" may not even care for their parents opinion. Gown up people should not have to ask their parents for permission to act in certain media. Sex scenes acting and even literal (modern) porn and sex work gets treated professionally within their industries. So why can't the rest of the world treat it rather with respect?

And the Playboyy actors are not even porn actors (I think. but wouldn't matter if they were) but 'normal' actors who just play pretend sex scenes. Literally most of hollywood and Cos actors have sex scenes that are on the same level of graphicness as they are in Playboyy (like Game of Thrones????). They still all show their faces in public and infront of their family.

Some people are simply not that prude and shy. It's that easy 🤷‍♂️

And some parents may be totally fine with the stuff their kids do, but simply don't watch it or skip it if it's too awkward. I think that's more common actually.

ALSO it annoys (and secondhand embarrasses) me so much that so many BL babies act like Playboyy is the first and only explicit gay themed drama ever existing on this planet. Not even in the box of the BL genre are they the first (maybe only for the thai corner... but even there it is not much more explicit than KinnPorsche and Love in the Air so far, it's just more scenes all together due to the plot setting). But meanwhile the whole LGBTq film industry all around the world is that explicit too. Some more, some less. The ones that are tame are made for a rather general audiences, younger audiences or to appeal to cis-straight audiences even. But a lot of LGBTq stuff is explicit like that. So that's not new?

The LGBTq movies and series I have seen in all my life are wild. Also not always wholesome, nor 'perfect representation' either (a lot of gay movies are kink fantasies or trauma themed, some of them are so much darker than any 'toxic' BL but yea... ). So idk what this annoying discourse around BL and good representation is supposed to be in that context. That ALWAYS sounds to me like "but we have to make this queer content in a way that the homophobes and queerphobes can watch it by accident without finding us weird and disgusting"...

And regarding Playboyy I don't even know if that's supposed to be BL aka if it's supposed to please the general BL audiences or if it's not rather purely from and for LGBTq folks (+allies) in and outside of the BL genre bubble. But as I said before already, the genre borders are melting at some projects anyways to the point that it's hard to find the differentiating factors (for BL I would say the only fixed point is that it has the romance (romantic fantasies) genre at it's core, anything else is optional). I feel like a lot of people assume that BL has to be for teenager's. Meanwhile not even the origins (manga) and the source material (usually web comics and novels) of today are all for teens. That genre is diverse and for ALL audiences of ALL ages. And it's GOOD that more parts of the audiences can get their own niche content now! Like I for example am originally not that much into sappy romance and marriage plots but I still watch it since it's with characters I can identify with more than the heteronormative & gendernormative stuff from the west (I also learned a thing or two maybe, like the fact that I may like sappy romance plots sometimes after all).

Anyways, Rule of thumb for anything in general: If you don't like it, then it is not made for you. So stop complaining about stuff that is for others* 🤷‍♂️

(*unless it's proven to be harmful or disrespectful, as in the tone of the whole story, not the action of characters that are supposed to be dumb sometimes.)

[dragonagelesbian]

List 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people who liked/reblogged something from you. Get to know your followers and mutuals!

Hiii @ner-vod!

5 things that make me happy.... Hmm. It's kind of hard to answer this at the moment because I'm quite depressed lately, but there are definitely some things that make my days much more bearable and enjoyable.

5. Studying Japanese

I've been studying Japanese for the past 4 years, and managed to pass N3 December 2022. I started just because I found it fun and to challenge the mindset that you can't learn difficult languages as an adult, and have kept up with it since! I genuinely enjoy learning it, teasing out the small subtleties of the language, and using it to communicate with others!

Recently, I've been watching JBL without subtitles to get used to it, with some mixed results haha, but I can definitely follow along much better! I watched the Utsukushii Kare movie at Bucheon International Film Festival last year with only korean subtitles (I don't speak any Korean) and managed to understand the plot okay!

4. Discovering new queer media

I think we've been blessed with new and more mainstream forms of queer media the past few years, especially the past 5-10 years. Teenage me who only really had Junjou Romantica and Queer Eye could NOT have imagined something like Young Royals or Skam, European queer dramas, becoming so mainstream. I can't believe we got the Given and Cherry Magic animes! I still can't quite comprehend that we have such incredible openly queer musicians. Some of my favorites at the moment are Rina Sawayama, Orville Peck, Lil Nas X, Samantha Hudson (please check out this Spanish artist!!), among others. And, of course, Southeast Asian Boys Love has taken the world by storm, to my utter joy! I'm so happy that we've seen the genre evolve so much, with many more voices joining behind and in front of the cameras.

3. Eating good food

I'm a huge food lover, and I love both making and eating new dishes. When I went to Korea last summer, I was having the time of my life just discovering delicious, cheap meals that I'd never tried before. Now that I'm at university at [school] with so many international students, we often have lovely pot lucks and all share food together. I'm happy that I'm at a point of my eating disorder recovery journey where I still struggle, but I get to enjoy food more.

2. Helping people

Last year, I finally worked for the first time as a psychologist. It was only an internship, but I got to directly aid others who were struggling, and it was an incredible experience. It's just so world-changing to see and hear people, and give them all you can. I was also part of my student union at undergrad, and loved seeing my impact on students who might have otherwise struggled. I think realizing how much I love making a contribution to others has made me more aware of what I want to work in once I graduate my master's.

My loved ones

Especially my girlfriend, closest friends (hey there @oatmealcoloured) and family. I truly would not be here without them, period. They're the only things that keep me going sometimes. Thank you.

[s3thwrit3sstuff]

There are some popular artists on here but I figured I’d add ‘em anyways. I tried to somewhat organize it for you!! Let me know which ones you liked :))

Bleu Bledsoe & Gregory Sandomirsky:

-Cafe 130

Wilbur Soot:

-Trying not to think about it

-Amazon Standing Lamp

-Eulogy

-Around the Pomegranate

-Jubilee Line

-Melatonin 130

Lovejoy:

-Call me what you like

-Portrait of a Blank Slate

-Normal People Things

VIOLENTVIRA:

-God Complex

-I don’t care

-Luka

-Tarantula Girl

The Goo Goo Dolls:

-Iris

Will Wood:

-Cotard’s solution

Laufey:

-This is how it feels (& d4vd)

-Promise

-Let you break my heart again

-A Night to Remember

IU:

-Can’t love you anymore

K.Will:

-Please don’t (I love the mv for this one)

Usher:

-You make me wanna…

-Nice & Slow

Ciara:

-Like a Boy

Brandy & Monica:

-The Boy is mine

Queen Najia:

-Medicine

-music anon 🎶<3

Music anon, I'm sorry it took a while to reply to this ask! Life has been a little hectic (T⌓T) but I finally got the time to listen (and re-listen again and again!!!) to the songs you recommended and wowowowowowow!!

Cafe 130, Bleu Bledsoe & Gregory Sandomirsky — I loved this so much??? I don't listen to a lot of music of this genre (unless you count acoustic covers, lol) but this felt so dreamy! I constantly kept thinking of two lovers dancing together, as cheesy as that sounds. Or of a character visiting some castle in a foreign land, the mysterious king in a mask being entranced by them~ The violin and guitar go so well together, dancing step in step with the other, chasing after the other!! I loved this so much!!!! IDK how many more exclamation points I can put to show it!!! ಥωಥ

Wilbur Soot —

Trying not to think about it Is it fair to say listening to this made me feel like I was in some teenage coming-of-age film and just had an explosive fight with my best friend and now I'm on the bus ride home, staring out the window and trying to keep my tears in as I watch the scenery past by. I loved his lyricism so much! This song especially feels like reading a diary and the trumpets that come in during the interlude? The vocal layering? Chefs kiss, the regret in every sentence fuels me to write angst I swear.

Amazon Standing Lamp The guitar in the beginning literally made my ears perk up, the vibes in the very beginning piqued my interest so much. The tone set itself quickly, and I loved every second of it. And the discontented (?) plucky strings with the bridge? I need it in me actually. The lyrics made me add it to my OC's playlist immediately, lmao.

Eulogy GUITAR!!! ONCE AGAIN!!! BIG SLUT FOR IT!!! Also, how does he keep writing yearning so well??? His descriptions feel like poetry in a very angry way. I must know who hurt him - is he okay? (´;︵;`) "I wish I'd be the one who's hurt indignantly, but I can see; that the only one who hurts someone is me" BWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! UEU UEUE UEUE!!1

Around the Pomegranate "In rapid eye moves. I fall right back to you," and if I die??? Honestly, another "I'm in a coming-of-age movie" feeling song but this song feels like I'm an outcast who just met another outcast and there's a montage of us spending the summer together and running away from bullies or lame adults. Then the bridge happens and it's a montage of me eyeing my best friend with queer angst. His voice sounded so fucking emotional!!! The way the song just ends after it??? INSANE!!!

Jubilee Line Guitar strums, save me guitar strums,,,, the quiet humming in the background spooked me when I used my headphones (lol) but I love humming along to it!!! The way he blames the city for his angst? Yes, I love directing anger at inanimate objects, that's so my genre of anything. "I'm so angry at you I'm beginning to find you in everything" I LOVE IT!!! The bridge where he talks about the barriers on the tube line/rails and how they fail??? Take me, music anon, I feel like I'm gonna faint

Melatonin 130 The beep boops made me smile when I first listened to it. Also, as someone who has insomnia, this song was giving big #relatable vibes but then he added about tucking his face in someone's neck and it became a painful kinda #relatable. ALSO THE WHOLE TALK ABOUT MEDICINE AND ANXIETY??? TAKE ME AGAIN MUSIC ANON I'M GONNA FAINT!!! The bridge??? THE BRIDGE??? OUUUUEEEEEE WHAT A GOOD SONG TO CRY TO WHILE YOU'RE SMOKING IN YOUR ROOM!!! "We're all apes with a diary book and corporate reads your pages" ????

Lovejoy —

Call me what you like The shift between Wilbur Soot's guitar strums to this band made me snort. I personally love pathetic yearning, like yes, kiss me if you need to but IDK if you need me like I need you MMMMM DELICIOUS ME THINKS "I'm not a paranoid, I'm a realist; I know you're gonna kill me!" OUGH HE IS SO PATHETIC I LOVE IT The twangy electric guitar plucks makes my brain happy. My head kept bopping just listening to this song.

Portrait of a Blank Slate The beginnings made me think of a movie montage lol. The lyrics make me think of a broody, distrustful, dude who falls for a magnetic woman who he feels will get bored of him but lord the yearning does not stop him. Her boyfriend is an asshole and the singer wants to make her happier??? I've got my head in my hands, music anon, when the interlude played I can imagine scenes of them getting closer than they should but always pulling away - hold me, music anon, hold me, please. Him apologising for it all being predictable??? What a loser (I need him).

Normal People Things HEAD BOPPING THE SECOND WE PLAY THIS!!! If I could drive, this song would need to be on the ban list, I will crash the car. This song playing during a chase scene with a delinquent and another delinquent but they're just introverted? Perfect me thinks.

VIOLENTVIRA —

God Complex Ough, ouGH OUGHOUGH This song reminded me of Yuno Gasai, lmao. But oh god, the lyrics??? Obsessed actually, I need this song put into a chip so I can stab it into my brain. The dark yearning??? The instrumental??? The way she keeps saying "I wanna be" to "I'm gonna be" - I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! Also reminded me of Brahms Heelshire but that's just me being a simp.

I Don’t Care OUGHGGGGGGGGHHHHH THANK YOU FOR INTRODUCING ME TO SUCH A WONDERFUL ARTIST, MUSIC ANON!!!! Her songs have been on repeat for me since the second I listened to her lORD I just know the Creepypasta speed paints back in 2010 would've loved her music. This song is giving "I don't care if this love is destructive, I'll love you until I can't anymore" OUGHGHGGHGHGHGH MUSIC ANON HOLD ME AGAIN

Luka This song was so sad but knowing why she made it made me physically hold back my tears, especially the voice note at the end?? :((( Her lyrics, and the video description, I was teary-eyed reading it. The chorus is so heartwrenching (;﹏;) "I'm always pulled back to your soul" (´;︵;`)

Tarantula Girl This song reminded me of the time I was 13 and listening to Three Days Grace or Get Scared omg - I love vampiric love songs!!! GIVE ME MOREEEEEEEE!!! Was head bopping the entire time listening to this!! Also the instrumental scratches the itch in my brain "I kinda want you to stay, gimme the sweetest taste" OOOOUGHHH IM SO ILL also her voice is so good I'm obsessed

Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls — this song gave me SUCH a flashback please FNIERUHGRG I remember the fucking Wattpad trailers with this song, also when I was 15 and I had a crush on a girl in school I put this song in the Spotify playlist I made for her LMAOOOO Such a bop, and one with so many memories!! the OG yearning song for me personally

Cotard's Solution, Will Wood — piano, save me piano. the spookiness of the song made me sway a little in my seat while listening to this but then it got more and more unhinged and the way the vocals and instrumentals matched up with each other??? Insane actually!! "Sha na na na na na, free will!" made me giggle The song reminded me of old animes that I could never watch because my mom disapproved of my uncle's anime CD stash but specifically that one old anime about that vampire Van Hellsing? The vibes!!!

Laufey —

This is how it feels (& d4vd) I'm gonna be honest, I never actually listened to Laufey - no reason, just never got the time too so this list made me so excited!!! d4vd's voice reminds me of Disney Prince's serenading oh lord, so good. Then Laufey's voice joins in with the piano??? The yearning?? The violins?? You're out to get me, music anon, aren't you??? (this reminded me of satosuguynkento - "sorry for leaving like that, you don't deserve to get caught in my mess. loving you is just so difficult, i don't know how i should tell you that. I've fallen for somebody else, happened so quickly i lost myself. a shadow of you drifts by my window" especially. I'm going insane, I'm unwell, I'm ill.)

Promise THIS SONG??? EVERY TIME A FUCKING JJK EDIT CAME ON WITH THIS SONG, ESPECIALLY THE LYRICS "I've done the math-" SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!!! Okay, but the lyrics? The instrumentals? Laufey better be ready to be charged with my therapy bill, I cannot do this anymore, I'm physically ill(er). another song that reminded me of satoyn - "Honestly, I didn't think about How we didn't say goodbye Just see you very soon It hurts to be something It's worse to be nothing with you" I'm deceased.

Let you break my heart again Just so you know, I had this song on loop when I "broke up" with my 4-year long situationship and sobbed my eyes out. It also me realize I have in fact listened to Laufey and she will most definitely be sent my psychotherapy bills.

A Night to Remember I braced myself for this song because so far it has not looked good for my mental health but I was greeted with such a smooth jazzy introduction and seductive songs and lyrics and I cautiously let my guard down. This song playing makes me think of two characters dancing in those wood, smokey, wine-glass-filled clubs. Made me think of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, lmao. The orchestra rising and falling in the background - oh god, I had to pace my room while listening to this. The vocals, the sultry tone, the instruments in the background OUHGHGHGHGHGGH I'm so gonna write something based off this song it's too good, I wish to consume it.

Can't Love You Anymore, IU — Nation's Little Sister never misses!!! I was preparing for a back-and-forth angry singing, but the resigned yet spiteful lyrics being delivered so smoothly made me go insane!!! "When I see you, I keep seeing myself in you, and I hate it" OUEUEUEUEEUE YOU WANT ME TO EXPLODE!!!! "I don't think we're in love anymore," the casual way they just sing it OUGH OUGHHHHHHH Like you expect things to be more explosive or dramatic, but the way it just happens and they're just tryna ignore it, hopes something sparks but it doesn't???? If I didn't read the lyrics, I'd honestly just bop to this in a cafe.

Please Don't, K.Will — THE FAMOUS MUSIC VIDEO LMAO. I honestly never read the lyrics to the song and watched the MV one time so it was such a pleasant time revisiting this masterpiece. The yearning, the pleading to not be left and the panic he feels as his lover grows more and more distant??? Ough hold me again please music anon,,,,,

Usher —

You make me wanna… The juxtaposition of Usher's songs next to the previous ones made me wipe away my tears and get ready to body roll seductively. The casual mention of infidelity and the infamous girl-best-friend syndrome oh lord, the lyrics feel so wrong but the vocals and the song make you feel less guilty. Do you think Satoru played this song when he was boinking Suguru while YN was depressed in the background, lmao?

Nice & Slow Usher whispering in my ear about coming over to my house made me think of those boyfriend ASMR videos and IDK how I feel about it LMAO This song plays when an early 2000s rom-com movie introduces a hot guy with cheekbones for days and also wears a scarf for no reason other than fashion (we respect it tbh).

Like A Boy, Ciara — Her spelling her name in the beginning was so cunty. ALSO, I KNEW THIS SONG SOUNDED FAMILIAR AND THE CHORUS PLAYED AND I WAS INSTANTLY HEAD BOPPING!!!

The Boy is Mine, Brandy & Monica — Had to immediately pace my room for this song, the edits playing in my brain making me go insane all over again. Such a classic tbh, should put this song in a national treasure vault so that when aliens find the carcass of our planet they can also bop to this song.

Medicine, Queen Najia — "Give you a taste of your own medicine," I love it when women succeed and enact their revenge. "imma leave you crying," OUGH IM IN LOVE! Also, I had a feeling this song trended on Tiktok and the "not for you, but for him" popped up BUT I NEVER KNEW IT CAME FROM SUCH A CUNTY SONG???? LOVE IT SO MUCH!!

[nightshift-clocking-in]

10 books

Thank you to @wanderingdonut for the tag, I love any excuse to talk about books. 🖤(These are in no particular order)

PET by Akwaeke Emezi

I read this book in summer of 2021 and I think about it all the time. Something in this book rewired my brain, I cried so much that I left stains on the pages. It poses the question if there was a utopia, a perfect society, would there still be monsters? Honestly its fantastic, but please check the trigger warning because it discusses a lot of hard topics.

What if its us by Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli

Words cannot describe how funny this book is to me. Chaotic and completely ridiculous, but this book made me fall in love with audio books, I listen to it once a year and still laugh out loud.

The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyers

This is the book and author that made me fall in love with stories. Its why I love retellings and fanfics (Marissa Meyer was a fanfic author before she was published hehe). If you knew me around the age of 15-16 there is a good chance that I read at least the first book out loud to you. But this story is what inspired me to start writing when I was younger and for that reason, it will always hold a special place in you heart.

One last stop by Casey Mcquiston

A lot of people apparently don't like this book, I don't care I do. I love this book, the mystery, the side characters, the trauma? Amazing. There is so much going on, and I say that as a good thing, so many little things to keep you on your toes to try and figure it out before the end. Honestly it's amazing, and made me feel seen in a way I never had in books before. Also a light sprinkling of smut and mommy issues.

Gender Queer by Maia Kebabe

I'm a firm believer that you should read banned books. So I read this only for it to give me a gender crisis (I know the irony) and I realized so many things I assumed were universal experiences where in fact not. Honestly, it's super funny to think about now but I did have a breakdown while read this on my friends broken couch while they played sims. Truly iconic.

The Princess Bride by William Goldman

This book breaths summer to me, a very important person in my life read it to me while on camping trips over an entire summer. It has everything you could want in a book; adventure, sword fighting, pirates, death and true love. If you have not at least watched the movie, you should.

The Guardians of Childhood Series by William Joyce

It's been years since I read this, but the world building, imagery and the lessons at the heart of the stories where beautiful. I read this to the kids in my life when they were younger, and its just a beautiful story full of whimsy and hope.

So this is Ever After by F.T Lukens

This book poses the question of what happened after your question end, you beat the evil king but how do you repair a kingdom that's been cursed for 100 years? Honestly the first page of this made me laugh so hard I had to put it down, its just fantastic.

Heartless by Marissa Meyers

I know I already listed a book by this author but I'm sorry I just love it so much. Alice in wonderland is my favorite classic story of all time, so retelling are hit or miss with me, and this is perfect. I love how its a prequel, to the world and you meet the character in much different circumstances. The Queen before she was a queen, the hatter before he when mad, and new characters too. It fills me with childlike wonder. I have a complete annotated and dissected copy of this book going into all the details of the world. I read it at least once a year. And this is what got me back into writing as an adult, which seems silly to say out loud but it's true.

Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall

Just chaotic all the time. I have not read all of this authors works, but from the ones I have they are hilarious. While this is a silly little romcom with some of the funniest details (Like a dung beetle ball) it also goes over a lot of harder topics; complicated relationships with parents, guilt, OCD, ignoring your own need so you can "be better", ect. Sometimes you just have to stop caring about what others think, and realize that its okay to be a mess, because everyone is a mess all the time.

No pressure tags:@crying-lightningx , @jegulusofwesper, @underburningstars,

[destinygoldenstar]

I want to GUSH about how this show handles swearing.

I’m not against swearing. But YouTube IS. So if they actually did swear, they’d get demonetized.

Okay. Fine. You look at something animated, you think ‘kids show’. That’s at least what those guys think.

So what’s our solution? We just don’t have the characters swear at all. Boom. Done.

Right?

Eh… heh Heh… NO.

WERE GONNA GO THE EXTRA MILE.

We’re gonna make the inability to swear AN IN UNIVERSE ASPECT OF WORLD BUILDING BY MAKING IT SO THAT, IN UNIVERSE, THEY ARE PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO SWEAR.

THIS IS… BEYOND GENIUS.

They didn’t need to do this. But they did. And it REALLY immerses you in the world.

It also helps keep you in mind that these characters are, in fact, adults.

Adults swear.

And middle schoolers. But let’s not.

Idk. I appreciate it. Cause it both gets them past YouTube censors to please them, AND give them the finger at the same time.

Cause uh, NEWS FLASH: THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS IS NOT A KIDS SHOW.

It is a black comedy psychological horror with themings surrounding things only adults are gonna be able to understand.

Not saying kids aren’t smart and can’t understand dreaming of your own demise, or body dysphoria, or what subtlety is. Just saying those scenes weren’t made with appealing to kids in mind.

A lot of ratings: movies and games, judge whether media is for kids or adults through things like: Sex, Gory Violence, Nudity, Swearing, Drugs & Alcohol, Queerness (In some countries anyway)

And like, I get it. BUT ALSO: They DON’T really decide these ratings through subject matter. Or theming. Or what the storytelling is trying to do and say. And it’s quite annoying sometimes.

Though there was that one time where they said a movie about watching rabbits die is suitable for children. So I guess the people in charge of deciding that we’re drunk that day.

Either way, I love how Digital Circus put in the effort to find a way to both get what they want and please the system, but also say “F$$k that s$$t and f$$k you. We do what we want!”

It’s not so many times that it feels like swearing is English (cough Hazbin Hotel cough). But it’s consistent and there enough that it feels natural. Even with the bleeps.

The bleeps ALWAYS get a chuckle out of me.

You as an audience get used to this pretty quickly.

[potato-jem]

no work, just you spending your days in rome and eating pasta 😌😌😌 and that’s so frustrating!!! of course you are all going to be stressed if you’re being overworked, that manager needs to get her priorities straight. my job at the moment sucks because they won’t do anything over the minimum labour, so if we are busy, we can’t call people in most of the time 😭😭😭 can our managers just roster properly please??

literally! even if we could just send a little thing, just for us to try what the other person is having would be good. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HEARTBROKEN I WAS? I HAD TO ORDER SOMETHING ELSE 😭😭😭 i think you should come over and add it, because they would definitely listen to you 😌😌😌 

i am always in need of good food and wine 😭 i’m glad you can at least talk to your friend about it, but i would see if there are any other job opportunities available. i don’t think it’s worth putting yourself through all that stress, even if you do really like the job. at the end of the day, you only have a job to get money and to live. you spend a large amount of your time every week at work, so you need to make sure it is something that doesn’t make you super stressed out and dread going to... but that’s just what i think! 

we had three people on like six devices with a million tabs open. it was so stressful, but we got there in the end 😂😂😂

ahh how exciting!!!! is this for niall horan’s tour?? because i did see that he was going on tour and i was wondering if you were going to go! (obviously yes)

they both don’t really drink, whereas i do 😂😂😂 so probably a bit more because i have been a bit more trained in drinking than the both of them combined. even then, when i drink, i get more nurturing??? in real life, i’m not the kind of person to put my feelings on display or be overly affectionate, so when i drink, i’m a bit better with that! 

i also had to tell myself that i was on holiday and it’s fine that i spent my money, but i still feel guilty 😭😭😭 i’m manifesting that you’ll be able to get those tickets somehow!!

the pile was probably the height of my whole torso, my arms hurt so much 😂 i did manage a little self control though, so it wasn’t as big as what it could have been! i mean i can admit i have a young looking face, but what makes them think i’m bold enough to take something up to the register if i wasn’t of age? 😂 and i’m surprised you would get id’ed with all the tattoos you have! surely that’s enough of an indicator that you’re an adult 😂😂😂 and we’ll have to see!! although i need to stop buying books if i have any hopes of reading them all 😭😭

and the worst (best) part of the girl dancing on the pole was she was wearing this huge jacket and then took it off to go onto the pole AND MY GOD. i love women so much, they mean the world to me <3

aww cece 🥺🥺🥺 that’s so adorable!!! i love when other queer people come up to you because they feel safe enough to compliment you <3 it’s such a heartwarming feeling! and the fact they were so observant! that made my day too!!

he doesn’t have a name yet, but i’ll find one eventually! i can’t just not play with his ears, they’re so soft 🥺

it was a stressful class, BUT I NEVER HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN!!! (unless i failed idk) i kinda have an idea of what to do with my short story, so i’ll start it soon. but considering i slept most of today, i am just so happy that this semester is almost over 😭😭😭 i wish i could have every other week off, it would be so much better for me, but i have to save money for upcoming trips (i just put in my application to study abroad for a semester, so i’m hoping that i’ll be accepted!!) 

good policy to have, i must say! oh well, money is temporary, tattoos are forever? 😂

i’ve just got a couple of easy things due this week, and then i have a week off classes to do my other assignments, so it should be pretty okay! i’m gonna give you a blanket and some snacks so you can take some time to watch a movie and relax <333333333

hello nero my beloved soulmate!! <33

i’m back and i am already suffering from severe PHD (post holiday depression, i decided it is a thing). my friend left last night and i hate this. it’s so unfair that we live in two different countries and we can’t see each other as much as we would like to. i’ll probably see her soon, i should have another week off in august and we were talking about me visiting her this time so hopefully i’ll be able to go.

anyway, on to the trip!! it was so cool!! i mean the first week we stayed in tuscany, we went around florence and a few other cities around here, and we got tattoos!!! i told you about this already but they are so cute!!! our little irish dinosaurs (they’re irish because we met in ireland <3 they’re named saoirse and niamh).

then for the second week we went to rome!! oh it was so nice!! we found the perfect weather. it was always sunny and warm enough to go around in shorts, but never too hot not to be able to explore. we went for the usual places: the colosseum, the pantheon, the squares and fountains, all that. but also we accidentally found ourselves into the roman forums and they were amazing!! i’d never been in them, only seen them from above, but they are so big, you can see a whole city. but the highlight was ostia antica. it was this archeological site near rome and it’s so quiet because not may people know it. it’s an 84 acres site where you can literally walk into houses and shops and temples and theaters from the roman period. and it’s amazing because usually rome is very protected, like there are fences and barriers everywhere, you can’t get too close to a lot of stuff, but in ostia antica we could literally touch the ruins, walk through them and find our way back in a maze of doors and corridors. it was so cool!!! also that’s where i found the cats!! they were so cute and friendly 🥺

last thing before i close this letter. the food!!! oh the food. we found this little restaurant on the very first night, which was actually so close to the trevi fountain, and it was so cheap and good (very rare combination to find in the middle of rome). they had some of the best spaghetti i’ve ever tried. also we kept going back there in the next days so they recognized us and they were so nice because they offered us appetizers and wine and they always remembered that we liked to order three plates of pasta to share between the two of us. they were so nice!!

i really needed this trip. i needed to be off work for a few weeks and just disconnect from all the drama and stress. and the good food and wine helped a lot with that lol. but seriously i’m so happy, it was an amazing trip and it was so good to see my friend again after so long <3

but enough about me now!! how are you doing nero?? what have you been doing these last two weeks??

also, about our last letter, i am very happy that you are following my orders and planning a very relaxing trip :) you deserve to not even think about uni when you’re on a trip. and it’s gonna be so fun to dance to that kind of music!! can’t wait to hear all about that one!!

and i’m very happy you’re obsessed with me getting tattoos because this is turning into a sickness. i can’t stop now :’)

but here are my other two tatts!!! the little rainbow one is very simple but very personal. i’ve been waiting forever to get it and it looks perfect 🥺 (yayyy you can start booking stuff!!! that means tattoos coming soon!!!)

i’m enclosing a hug and a really big plate of cacio e pepe (a kind of spaghetti with cheese and black pepper) just because one can never have too much pasta <3333

hi cece my beloved soulmate!!!!

i believe phd (post holiday depression) is a thing, i get it every time. it’s sad that your friend has gone home, but think about august!!! that should be so fun!!!

i’ve seen pictures of tuscany and it’s so beautiful!! and yes tattoos!! the fact that they are irish dinosaurs named saoirse and niamh because you met in ireland is the cutest story behind a matching tattoo ever 🥺🥺

oh rome!!!! that weather sounds lovely, i’m glad it was around for the entire trip!! sounds like you got up to quite a lot!! i’m literally imagining you walking around and pointing out these little tourist attractions 🥺 but ostia antica sounds so beautiful. a whole 84 acres to explore and experience the ancient roman life?? i would go crazy in there, especially with all the cats!!

oh the food sounds incredible!!! it’s so amazing you found something good and cheap!!! but those people sound so nice 🥹🥹 i’m glad they also added to such a wonderful break you had! i feel like pasta now…

you definitely needed that trip!! just a refresh is sometimes all you need, and good food and wine are recommended to help relax by doctors actually 😌😌😌 but i’m so happy you got to see your friend after so long and i’m so glad that you enjoyed yourself!!!!

i’ve been doing alright!! i had my trip to sydney and my twice concert, and it was so much more fun than i thought it would be!!! so i took my best friend and a family friend of mine, and my manager from work came too, but we all booked our concert tickets together so it was me and my friends, my manager and her brother and his partner. (don’t even ask me how stressful buying six tickets was)

the japanese place opened up again, and we were staying somewhere even closer to it. we basically walked everywhere, because the train station is in the shopping centre next to the japanese place, and that was only ten minutes away. so i took my friends to eat more ramen than we could see and we shared a bottle of soju (my friends are lightweights and it was VERY funny to watch. i had to finish the bottle off though)

and then we did lots of activities on the tuesday before the concert and we went to that album shop and book shop again and i spent way too much money, cece’s orders 😌😌 i spent so much money in the album shop they gave me a free album and preorder benefit photocards (which are really rare!!) and i had to show my id in the book store because i bought a level one restricted novel (actually banned in my state, but my professors made me too curious), which was quite funny

the twice concert was so fun, literally everyone in the audience were dancing and singing, and i was gay panicking and it was wonderful! each of the members of twice also had a solo performance and they did so well! one of them, momo, had this dance where she HAD A POLE?!?!? AND SHE HAD NEVER POLE DANCED BEFORE?? she was so good, i will save your eardrums by not sending the video i took 😌

anyways, here’s the photo they posted at the end!! we are in the centre and slightly to the right <3 (i’m sure you’ll see me 😂😂)

and then we actually got the chance to go to the harbour bridge and the opera house, which are in the same place, so we didn’t waste too much time there! and then we went to this room of claw machines near the eateries and i managed to win two things!! (one of them i spent way too much money to grab out, but he looked so lonely and i had to get my son out 😭😭) and then we had gelato mochi, which my friend found. so they get a scoop of ice cream and wrap it with mochi! we all got two, because none of us can make a decision and it really was a good end to the trip 🥺

other than that, i am running a little behind on uni, but i decided to use some of my leave and take the week off work. i’m just going to smash out the essays i have due (and overdue) and i’ll probably be able to rest better during the big exam session 😌

i’ve been looking forward to seeing these two and you didn’t disappoint! the rainbow one is adorable and the font for the script on your ribs is beautiful!!! i think i might be addicted to your tattoo addiction 😂 (yay!!! i’m so excited!!)

i really wanted this cacio e pepe, all this talking of food made me hungry! i’m squeezing you back real tight and i’m giving you a bowl of ramen <3333333

[tigger8900]

Pageboy, by Elliot Page

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Elliot Page's memoir, told in nonlinear format, covers topics ranging all the way from his emotionally-exhausting childhood in Nova Scotia to the fallout of his coming out publicly as trans at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic. A unique blend of queer and celebrity memoir, we follow Page as he explains how his identities as both a queer person and as a boy(later a man) being forced into a straight, feminine role both on- and off-screen put him in a position of constant crisis. Something had to give, and it did, first in 2014 when he came out as queer and again in 2020 when he came out as trans.

As far as the queer memoir side of things go, this was a satisfying, illuminating read. Obviously Page's experience isn't everybody's experience. He admits that he's privileged in many ways, but he isn't ashamed — nor should he be — in recounting his lived experiences. I was particularly interested in his depiction of life as a closeted queer person, secretly dating women while working in the film industry, as well as how his childhood experiences shaped how he interacted with the world as an adult. I would caution readers that there are many passages — particular pertaining to sexual assault and gender dysphoria — that read as incompletely-processed trauma. There's not a lot of shielding on the emotions. Page provides content warnings at the front of the book, so please, take them seriously.

For the celebrity side of things, I don't really feel qualified to judge. I primarily know Page from his activism, and also I watched Juno one time(hell of a first date movie, let me tell you). So mostly I was interested in how the celebrity stuff interacted with the queer stuff, and all the names just washed over me. The experience worked for me, but I can also understand someone who might want more anchoring being frustrated at the lack of explanation of who most of these people were. And of course there was the obligatory discretion, where "a member of crew" or "an acquaintance" did horrible things. I have no idea who those people were. In a way, the facelessness works. They could be anybody and we wouldn't know, which is the reality, since we know the list of people who have faced consequences for their behavior is woefully limited.

I personally loved the nonlinear format. The chapters are each gathered around a theme, concept, or state of mind, though it's not always obvious when you start off. Sometimes I had to flip back through, looking at the chapter title, before I spotted the connection and understood why the things were arranged the way they were. Another thing that will bother some people is Page's writing style. He frequently emphasizes or describes by stringing together several short sentence fragments. Distinct, painting a picture, individually striking. While Page is guilty of blatant comma abuse, I actually liked it. But I completely understand why it made some readers' skin crawl.

Important question time: do the dogs die? Only the mildest of spoilers ahead. Page owns two dogs over the course of the book. The first is alluded to as passing offscreen, and the second is still alive and well as if the end of the book.

[poisonedapples]

Patton’s Home for Traumatized Kids

Chapter One: The New Kid

Story Summary: Roman has to have a completely new start. New school, new town, new home and a new family. As a kid in his first foster home, Roman isn’t prepared to trust these people and get hurt again, but he’s not the only kid in the house recovering from past issues. Regardless, their foster father Patton is ready to be the dad they’ve always needed, and traumatized kids learn to lean on each other for support.

Story Warnings: Past abuse of all types, trauma, and anxiety

Pairings: Familial LAMP

Chapter Summary: Roman moves into his new foster home. He is not having a good time.

Chapter Warnings: Anxiety, panic, implied past abuse, food, one vomiting mention, and talk of hidden cameras

Word Count: 6778

Notes: First chapter of a story I’ve wanted to make for my foster au! Thanks to Cornybird on Ao3 for beta-ing this one <3

“Logan, Virgil?” Patton called out from downstairs. “Can you come down here? I wanna talk about something with you!”

Virgil and Logan gave each other curious looks from their sitting places on the same bed. Virgil placed his phone on the nightstand beside him as Logan set his book down at the foot of the bed, both standing up to exit Virgil’s bedroom and head downstairs. At the dining room table was their foster father, Patton, smiling wide with a laptop and notepad in front of him.

“What’s up?” Virgil asked after he and Logan glanced at each other. 

Patton giggled to himself, “Sit down for a second and I’ll tell you! Nothing bad, promise. I think it’s very exciting.”

They quickly sat at the table on the other side of Patton. “So,” Patton joked, “I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today!”

Logan and Virgil spoke in unison. “You’re getting another foster kid.”

Patton blinked. “…How’d you guess it?”

“You’ve been really happy recently, but also very quiet about why you were so happy. You only get like this when you’re bringing another foster kid into the mix. You did the same thing when Logan came along.” Virgil said.

Logan nodded. “Virgil told me about his suspicions due to your behavior, and I agreed with him. I think we both expected you’d make the announcement soon.”

“Oh.” Patton rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I didn’t think it was that easy to tell. Well, you guessed right! The new kiddo is moving in on Sunday!”

Logan leaned closer. “What’s their name?”

“His name is Roman Goldsberry. He’s fifteen, and he’s only been in the system for about five months. Though, before this, he was in kinship care with his aunt, so living here is going to be very strange for him. So just be patient with him at first, okay?”

“Yeah yeah, we will be.” Virgil smirked. “But you said he was fifteen?”

“Yup! He’ll be a sophomore in high school this year.”

“Aw, that means Logan’s still the baby in the family.”

Logan blushed. “I’m a teenager. I am not the so-called ‘baby’ of the family.”

“Sounds like something the baby of the family would say.”

“Falsehood!”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough.” Patton tried not to laugh. He knew how much Logan hated being the youngest, but it was hard to act like his reaction wasn’t funny. “Remember, Roman will be here Sunday, so be on your best behavior when he gets here. No spooking him.”

“Got it, got it.” Virgil slouched in his chair and thought. “One more question though. How fucked up is he?”

“Virgil, language.” Patton warned.

“Sorry! It’s just a question. We know you have a soft spot for the most effed up kids you can find.”

“I would have to say I’m curious as well.” Logan agreed. “It’s become a pattern.”

Patton sighed. “He’s not messed up, he’s a kid who’s struggling and needs support. If he wants to tell you two about his past, then he will.”

Virgil groaned. “Fine, fine. Can we go back upstairs now?”

Patton smiled. “Yes, you can go.”

“Great! I’m stealing your book, Logan.”

“Wait, you can’t do that!”

Virgil darted back upstairs with a maniacal laugh as Logan chased him, the sound of bickering teenagers traveling back up the stairs. Patton shook his head in amusement, still listening to the ruckus in case it got out of hand and he needed to step in, but Patton knew his kids. They may tease, but they’re not mean.

Patton continued working on his laptop once the noise quieted down again.

***

“I hate this.”

“I know you do, Roman, but I’m certain you can persevere and find happiness in this new home!” Roman’s social worker, Mr. Picani, smiled hopefully as he continued to drive him to his foster home. Roman was scooted as close to the window as he could possibly get, his legs crossed and clamped together so tight his thighs were getting sore. He didn’t trust Picani, and he sure as hell didn’t trust this new house. No matter what anyone told him.

“I already had a home! Living with my aunt was so much better than whatever could happen here.” Roman’s hands shook just thinking about it. He didn’t know anything about this new person, and the idea of being in a house full of strangers was enabling the more gruesome side of his imagination. He trusted his aunt, at least, but now he was going to a family who could be anyone.

Roman didn’t like the idea of that.

Picani frowned. “You know why your aunt couldn’t house you anymore, Roman. I know it’s not easy, but I think you’ll like this new place! It’s more up north in Foley County, and the area is nice. He also has two other foster children if that helps.”

“How old are the other kids?”

“Fourteen and sixteen, I think. You’ll get to know them more during your time there.”

Roman hummed, looking out the window and digging his nails into his shirt sleeve. He really hoped this foster dad hadn’t touched them before. Even forgetting about himself, a fourteen year old kid having to deal with abuse? Even after getting away from bad parents? He didn’t wish that on anyone.

“And if you ever feel unsafe,” Picani added, “you can always contact me, ‘kay?”

I already feel unsafe. “Okay. How much longer until we’re there?”

“About twenty more minutes. Just enough time to finish the rest of the Tangled movie soundtrack!”

Roman didn’t respond. Normally, he’d love to have a Disney soundtrack he could burst into song with, but he wasn’t feeling it today. And probably wouldn’t be feeling it for a long time.

He just wanted to feel safe. He felt safe with his aunt, but she couldn’t afford to keep him long after the trial since she gave birth to the twins. His aunt was always one of his favorite relatives, one of the few adults he genuinely trusted, now he was going to the house of some random guy named Patton, who he’d only heard of yesterday, and expected to be okay near him. Well, he wasn’t okay. And he wasn’t going to be, ever.

Roman leaned his head on the window and closed his eyes. His hands still shook a little and his chest felt weird, but fighting it now was pointless. Roman just hoped that if this guardian did try something, he’d do it quickly. The sooner Roman told on him to save himself and the other kids, the better.

Though, Roman still felt his hands tingle at the thought. The idea of “getting it over with” made him want to scream and cry. He wrapped his legs tighter together.

After a long time of trying to fight against his own anxious thoughts, Picani pulled into a driveway and stopped the car and Roman opened his eyes to take a look at where they were. He didn’t know the neighborhood, but it seemed like Picani was telling the truth when he said the neighborhood was nice. The house seemed huge, big bushes and flower patches in the front yard and a nice outside paint job. It looked like a house that a functional nuclear family would have, where the dad is a doctor and the mom stays at home with the kids.

Well, looks can be deceiving. Roman thought. Don’t get your hopes up.

“Here we are!” Picani unbuckled his seatbelt with a wide smile. “Grab your suitcases in the back, I’ll knock on the door.”

Roman nodded and got out of the car as Picani popped the trunk. He grabbed two red suitcases and a backpack, closing the car and wheeling it all up to the front door. Picani was there talking to a guy who Roman assumed must be Patton Sanders, and by taking just one look at him…Roman had never seen a person look so much like a dad.

 He was wearing khaki shorts and a light blue polo with tennis shoes and knee socks, thick-rimmed glasses sitting on his face to finish off the dorky look. Patton managed to pull it off, sure, but Roman felt a primal urge from binge-watching Queer Eye to fix that mess of an outfit. 

Before Roman could truly take in the fact that Patton’s knee socks also had kittens on them, Patton smiled wide once he saw Roman in the corner of his eye. “Hello, Roman! It’s so nice to have you, come on in you two!”

Patton stepped aside to hold out the door as Picani and Roman both walked in. Roman scraped his arm on the door frame trying to keep a reasonable distance from Patton, but neither of the adults seemed to notice how Roman was acting. Patton kept smiling away, and Roman tried to see how real that smile truly was. “So, Mr. Picani, I know I have some things to go over with you, so how would you feel if the other kiddos showed you around the house, Roman?”

…Kiddos? “That sounds fine to me.”

“Perfect!” Patton walked over to the staircase and called upstairs. “Logan, Virgil! Can you come down here please?”

Patton’s request was quickly followed by the sound of doors opening and closing. Two kids walked down the stairs; a boy in a black and purple hoodie, and another boy with thick glasses almost the same as Patton’s. They both stared at Roman curiously, and Roman wanted to sink into the floor.

Patton placed an arm over Logan and Virgil’s shoulders and Roman winced at the sight. “So, kiddos, this is Roman! And Roman, this is Logan,” Patton pointed to the kid in glasses. “And Virgil!” He pointed to the kid with the hoodie. The boys didn’t react much besides an awkward half smile directed Roman’s way. “How about you both show him around while I talk to Mr. Picani?”

Virgil shrugged. “Come upstairs, dude.”

Patton let go of both of the boys and walked off into the kitchen with Picani. Roman watched them from the living room for a moment, but he could feel two pairs of eyes staring at him from behind, so he turned around and followed the kids upstairs, bringing his luggage with him.

At the top of the stairs, a long hallway connected six doors on the second floor. Four of the doors were plain, brown doors, but two of them had very distinct personalities shown on the outside. One was covered in stars and planets, the door covered in a starry piece of wallpaper with a metal planet popping out of the background. The other was covered in caution tape saying keep out, with emo band posters poking out from under the tape. Two very different personalities.

“Your room will be this one at the very end of the hallway.” Logan opened the door to the room, turning on the light as Roman peeked inside. “You can place your luggage in here in the meantime.”

Roman nodded and walked inside to throw his luggage onto the floor. The room was very bare, with brown sheets on a twin bed and not much other furniture besides a desk and a dresser. There was a lamp on the desk and a floor lamp next to a door, and one of the opened closet doors showed that the top was covered in random boxes. Some newer-looking stuffed animals were also sitting on the bed; a soft bear and one of those squishy stuffed chickens Roman always saw in stores. It looked like an attempt at a welcoming gift, but new stuffed animals always put Roman on edge. He looked around the room, and the idea of sleeping here made Roman’s heart start to pound. He needed to check this place before he went to sleep that night.

Virgil smirked, taking Roman away from his anxious thoughts. “Damn, you’ve got suitcases? Living the fancy life I see.”

“…What?” Roman reeled.

Logan adjusted his glasses and crossed his arms. “Most foster children move their things using garbage bags. It’s rare we use actual suitcases.”

Roman looked down at his luggage. Suddenly, he felt guilty. “Oh, well…my aunt gave them to me before I moved out, so…”

Virgil shrugged. “What do you wanna see up here first?”

“We could show him our rooms. Or possibly the attic?”

“The attic is cooler.”

“What’s in the attic?” Roman asked.

“It essentially acts as a playroom.” Logan explained. “Board games and a…random assortment of items are all piled up there. It’s quite entertaining to search through, actually.”

“And it’s in the best place ever, come here.” Virgil motioned for Roman and Logan to follow him. He stopped at one of the doors, opening it and letting Roman peek over his shoulder to look inside. It looked like a normal walk-in closet, first aid and toilet paper on one side with batteries and rows of shampoo on the other. Virgil walked in with a smirk, “Now, check this shit out.”

Virgil jumped and pulled on a string dangling from the roof, unraveling a steep staircase through the closet leading up to a hole in the roof. Virgil started to climb the stairs as Logan followed suit, so Roman climbed right after them.

When Roman made it to the top, his eyes widened with wonder. Granted, it wasn’t anything too spectacular, surely not like something in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, but the fact that this hidden space existed made Roman feel excited. At his old house, he barely even had his own room to himself, so a place like this was paradise.

The walls were painted white with a giant window above a sitting area on the other side of the room. Shelves of items scattered the walls, and the rug on the floor was so clean Roman wondered how they even got a vacuum up here. It wasn’t anything like his old attic, stuffed with random items from over the years and covered in spiderwebs. Roman felt like he could spend most of his day here.

“We have a lot of various toys up here.” Logan said. He gestured to the boxes on one of the shelves. “Pokémon cards, a chess set, Magic the Gathering, lots of Lego sets, craft supplies, most of our toys make their way up here.”

Roman’s head perked up. “…Craft supplies?”

Logan nodded. “I believe we have paints and drawing utensils.”

Roman looked at the bottom of the shelf Logan gestured toward. There was a box of small painting canvases with paints and brushes, and though they definitely looked cheap, Roman saw them and grew excited as he took out a canvas and the paints in wonder.

“Kiddos!” A voice yelled from the staircase. Logan and Roman walked over to the stairs to look down, but Virgil stayed in his place on a beanbag near the window. Patton and Picani stood at the bottom, and Patton smiled. “Now, what are you all doing up there?”

“We’re showing him around the house.” Logan said matter-of-factly.

“You are, huh?” Patton crossed his arms. “Does he know where the bathroom is?”

Logan blinked. Virgil called out from behind both of them. “He knows where the important things are!”

Patton tried not to smile, but he lost that battle quickly. “Well, Mr. Picani is leaving right now, Roman.”

“How ‘bout you come down here and I talk to you in private for a sec?” Picani asked.

“Uh, alright!” Roman climbed down the stairs and followed Picani out of the closet, while Patton climbed up the stairs into the attic. They both stepped away to the other side of the hallway, and suddenly Picani’s face became very serious.

“Do you feel safe in this house, Roman?” He asked.

Roman clenched his fist and bit his cheek. No, he didn’t, actually. He didn’t know what Patton would do once the coast was clear from guests, and the idea of what could happen was freezing him from the inside out. The only place Roman would feel truly safe was if he was back in the hospital.

But Roman knew that wasn’t possible, and he couldn’t keep bothering Picani all the time for fears that couldn't be helped. He had to be on his own. Alone.

“I think I do. They…seem like good people.” Roman lied. He’d have to find another way to survive.

Picani smiled, not noticing Roman’s unease. He always was a great actor. “Amazing! Let me know if anything comes up, bucko, and I’ll talk to ya again soon! But until then…so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen goodnight!”

Picani walked downstairs and waved behind him, laughing at his own reference as he walked out the door. Roman watched him from the staircase until he could see the car leaving the driveway through the window, and Roman felt truly hopeless. This was a nightmare.

He stood frozen on the staircase for a while, staring through the window with a hope of Picani turning back and saving him. But no car came into the driveway, and Roman didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. What do you even do when living in a house full of strangers?

“Heya, kiddo!” Roman jumped at the voice coming from behind him, jerking his head back and pushing his back up against the wall. It was Patton, smiling wide with a concerned look in his eyes at Roman’s reaction. “I’m sorry, Roman, I didn’t mean to scare you! I just wanted to ask if you wanted me to give you the rest of the tour. I’ll show you everything you need this time!”

Patton laughed at himself, but Roman felt the need to vomit. Patton was close, way too close, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t want to be roaming around the house with him, vulnerable and nowhere to hide. He needed to be somewhere safe.

“Uh, no, I’m fine! I’ll figure it out myself!” Patton raised an eyebrow at him, but Roman didn’t care. “Where’s the bathroom?”

Patton’s voice became softer. He pointed to the left of him, down the opposite direction of Roman’s room. “It’s over there. Are you sure you’re alright? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine!” Roman darted past Patton quickly and out of reach, rushing into the bathroom and locking it behind him. He pressed his back against the door and sat down, pressing his feet against the sink, ready to fight against the door if someone tried to open it. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, trying to even out his scattered breathing. He knew Patton was outside of the door, he could feel it. He just needed to be somewhere safe.

Roman didn’t move from his spot on the floor, eventually curling into himself and resting his head on his knees. He was so tired, the whole day his heart had been pounding with anxiety and he was sick of it. What did it take to feel safe? Was it even possible for Roman to feel safe anymore?

He didn’t want an answer to that. He was just so tired.

 Roman closed his eyes and leaned his body against the bathroom wall, ignoring all his aches from the strange position and trying to give himself some comfort. His body was exhausted but his mind kept racing, thinking of all the things that could go wrong while living here. He tried to fight the anxious thoughts, but Roman figured it wasn’t that big of a deal. If he threw up in the toilet maybe they’d leave him alone for the day.

But Roman never got to that point. He rested on the floor and let his body shake, taking some deep breaths at times to feel less like he was suffocating. Eventually, a knock came to the bathroom door, and it took everything in Roman not to yelp.

“Are you still in there, Roman?” Roman could tell the voice was Logan, and that helped him relax a little more. He took in a big breath and tried to act normal.

“Yes, sorry. Do you need it?” He asked.

“I’m alright. I simply wanted to ask if you wanted to come downstairs and use the paints you seemed so interested in.”

Roman’s ears perked up at that. He forgot all about the paints, and it would be something that could ease his mind a little. But Roman wasn’t that dumb. He knew this was a plan to get him out of the bathroom. Though…he might not mind that much if he wasn’t alone.

“…Would you sit with me?” Roman asked. He doubted Patton would try anything so long as they weren’t alone together, and if he pleased them enough, maybe they’d leave him alone.

Logan was slow to respond. “I suppose I can if you wish for me to.”

Roman rolled his eyes at that sentence. What a nerd, he thought, standing up and slowly unlocking the door to the bathroom before opening it. He looked through the crack to check if Patton was standing behind Logan, but no one else was there. Logan stood there patiently with his hands clasped behind his back, and Roman fully exited the bathroom.

“I set the box on the dining room table. However, Patton is also there making a pizza for dinner.”

Roman froze. The same room as Patton? “… I’ll go, but you have to stay near me.”

Logan nodded. He led the way down the stairs while Roman followed, entering the dining room through the connected area in the living room. On the table was the box of painting supplies, and Roman ran toward them to start taking them out, trying to ignore the fact that he could see Patton in the corner of his eye. He grabbed a canvas and the cheap paints, as well as a plastic pallet and all the brushes. All that he needed was a cup of water, but…the sink was right next to where Patton was.

Roman drummed his fingers on the table. “…Logan, can you get me a cup of water?”

“Alright.” Logan stood up and grabbed a cup from the cupboard, filling it with water and handing it to Roman. Roman murmured a thank you, and Logan sat back down at his seat. He was grateful that Logan didn’t ask why Roman couldn’t get it himself.

“So, Roman,” Roman stiffened at the sound of Patton’s voice. “Are you an artsy kid?”

Roman gripped hard onto his paints, squirting out a lot more orange than he meant to. “I guess, yeah. I like art.”

“Do you like to paint, or are you more of a sketchy kinda guy?”

“Uh…all of it. Painting, drawing, coloring, I used to make a lot of stuffed animals too.”

“Awww, that sounds adorable!” The oven beeped and Patton put on his oven gloves and pulled out the pizza. “It’s probably best I don’t know how to make stuffed animals though. If I did, this house would be full of little stuffed puppies!”

Roman didn’t respond. He focused completely on mixing red and orange for a perfect sunset color, attempting to get a good gradient with the lack of shade variety. Once he filled in his sunset and blended it with a dark night sky, he mixed his white with a dot of gray and made darker clouds, dotting them above his rough-looking hill. He wanted to add more texture to the bottom of the canvas, maybe some trees, but he didn’t know how to make good ones without a fan brush. Maybe he could add some grass…

“Alright, the pizza is cooled down and ready!” Roman noticed Patton put a plate next to his painting, so he pushed all his supplies out of the way so he could eat. Patton set down more plates around the table as Virgil walked in. “It was a real pizza work if I do say so myself!”

Logan rolled his eyes and Virgil held back a snort, but Roman didn’t quite know how to react. He might have found the dad joke more amusing if he wasn’t so on edge.

Roman took a bite of the pizza. It wasn’t anything spectacular, just a store-bought one that you heat up in the oven and serve, but Roman didn’t realize he was so hungry until now. He had skipped lunch because his nerves about coming here were making his stomach churn, but finally having food near him was bringing back that hunger. Roman’s foot was still tapping violently under the table, but it was progress.

Everyone ate their pizza in silence. It was incredibly awkward on Roman’s end, no stories to tell as this table full of strangers kept making glances at him. Patton was the worst with it. He seemed to want to say something to Roman, continuously making eye contact with him until Roman looked away, but still not saying a word. He couldn’t take it. He hated it, but he hated this silence even more. Roman swallowed the pizza bite he was chewing and opened his mouth.

“So,” Roman started, “what do I…call you anyway?”

“Me?” Patton asked, his eyes lighting up. Why would his eyes light up at that?

“Yeah. Do I say Mr. Sanders, or…?”

“Oh, Patton works just fine! I hear Mr. Sanders way too often at work to wanna hear it at home too!”

“Oh, where- where do you work?” At least it wasn’t so quiet anymore.

“I’m a nurse practitioner for a clinic. It’s a lot of fun, just a lot of work. At least my hours aren’t as crazy as most nurses.”

“Oh that’s…cool.” Roman didn’t know how to continue off of that.

“It is! Is there anything else you wanna ask me, though? Maybe about the house, routines, anything?”

“Well…what are the rules here?” That seemed like a very safe question to have. It could save Roman a lot of trouble, and it could give him more of a read on the kind of parent Patton was.

“Oh, it’s not that much. You’re old enough to clean up after yourself, so make it a habit to pick up your own things and not put that stuff on other people. Be kind to everyone else, and the only rule I’m very strict about is no yelling. You can be loud sometimes, but no angry yelling at anybody here. The last one is to respect others’ privacy. Always knock on someone’s bedroom door before entering. But that’s really it, I think!”

How often do you break that last rule? “That seems reasonable, I suppose.”

Patton smiled. “I think you’ll do just fine here, kiddo. I know it’s hard to start over, but you won’t be alone during it!”

“…Thank you.”

“And I’m sure Virgil and Logan could help out a little bit, since they’ve been in the same situation! Right, you two?”

Virgil was halfway through trying to stick a whole piece of crust in his mouth. “…Uh huh.”

“…Virgil, chew your food.”

“Lo’an ‘old me I cou’ do it!”

“Do not drag me into this.”

Virgil hid his mouth behind his hand as he chewed for a long period of time. “You’re just avoiding your responsibility.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m finished, so try not to choke now.”

“Now I’m gonna choke just to spite you.”

“Please do not start a choking contest, Virge.”

Virgil groaned before swallowing the last of his crust. He followed Logan to the dishwasher and put his plate in, closing it and scurrying away back upstairs. Logan hesitated leaving the dining room, looking between Patton and Roman. Roman couldn’t tell if Patton noticed Logan’s hesitation or if it was just perfect timing, because he also got up and put his plate in the dishwasher.

“When you finish, Roman, just put your dishes away.”

“I can do that.”

Patton smiled and walked off into the living room, sitting on the couch to watch some TV show seemingly about cute puppies and kittens. Logan glanced at Roman again.

“Do you still want me to stay?” Logan asked.

Roman ate the last of his pizza and pushed his plate to the side, grabbing his painting again to put in front of him. It was the most effective thing at calming him down. “…No, I should be okay.”

Logan nodded and walked upstairs. Roman tried to fully immerse himself in his painting, focusing on every last detail and how he could make it better without over-detailing it. Roman put more green on his brush and started to dot at his hill on the bottom, trying to add little blades of textured grass. It was a long process, just enough to take the majority of his focus and calm his hands.

…Roman felt really weird here. It didn’t feel like he lived in this house, now. It felt like he was spending the day with some friends, and his aunt would come pick him up before the sun went down. But no, these new kids were his foster brothers and the adult he was terrified of was expected to act as his new dad. There was no one coming to save him, he was expected to sleep here and eat here and live here. This was supposed to be his safe space.

Roman rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. Don’t focus on that now, he thought. Focus on the painting.

So he did focus. He focused on monotonous texture additions and watching the paint dry on his canvas as he went along, letting the repetitive action calm his mind just a little bit. His calming method seemed to be working too well, actually, as the more details he added and stared at the paint, Roman realized that his constant panic today had completely exhausted him. It wasn’t even seven o’clock yet and Roman could feel his eyelids get heavier. He rubbed at his eyes again and tried to focus.

Roman yawned once. He yawned twice and rubbed his eyes as he kept adding minor details to his painting. Then, after a while, Roman scooted his painting to the side and laid his head down on the table.

***

“…Roman, wake up, please.”

Roman buried his head deeper in his arms. “Come on Roman, it’s late.”

Roman groggily lifted his head up. Patton was sitting in the chair across from him, the lights were all off except for the one light above the dining table. Roman looked around him, and noticed that it was dark outside now. Shit.

“You fell asleep, but that’s okay. It’s bedtime now, and the other two are already in bed, so how about you go get ready and sleep in your bed? I bet it’s comfier than the table.”

Roman dug his palm into his eye. “…What time is it…?”

“About 10:20. You all have bedtime at ten.”

“…But I’m fifteen?” Roman gave Patton a confused and sleepy look. He hasn’t had a bedtime since he was twelve, especially one that was so early. His mom only told him to be in bed by midnight.

Patton smiled. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. Logan is the only one who needs a bedtime, but I don’t want him to feel left out because he’s the only one asleep. So, how about you get ready for bed?”

Roman nodded and got out of his chair. The more he walked, the more he woke up, and he could tell by the time he went back upstairs that he wasn’t going to go back to sleep for a while since he could feel his heartbeat in his chest again. Patton followed him upstairs, turning off the dining room light as they went. Roman got his bathroom bag out from his smaller suitcase and a cotton shirt with sweatpants for pajamas, bringing it all with him to the bathroom. He closed the door as he brushed his teeth for the night, placing his bag in the bottom drawer after he did. He changed into his pajamas carefully, taking the towel on one of the racks to hide his lower half under as he switched pants, taking his other clothes and throwing them into a laundry basket.

When Roman stepped out of the bathroom, Patton was leaning against a wall waiting for him. He smiled at Roman, but Roman still ran past him to get as far away as he could get. Patton didn’t seem to notice, or maybe he just didn’t care. Roman shifted on his feet awkwardly before closing his door.

“Um…goodnight.” He finally said. Patton seemed satisfied with this.

“Goodnight, Roman.”

Roman finally closed the door to his bedroom, waiting until he heard the door on the other end of the hallway open and close. Almost immediately after, as if another force was controlling him, Roman started to tear the place apart.

He checked the charging ports in the walls, the lamp, under the bed’s covers and behind every piece of furniture. He stood on top of his suitcase to check the vents and took out all the drawers in the dresser. He punched the stuffed animals to see if he could feel wires, but he still couldn’t find it. He couldn’t find it.

Roman felt himself start to pant. He refused to go to bed until he found it. No matter how well hidden it was, Roman knew there was a camera in here. He couldn’t stop until he found it.

Roman grabbed the boxes at the top of the closet and tossed everything out of them, checking every spare blanket and binder before throwing them across the room when he found nothing. He took the hangers out of the closet and threw them on the floor, shining his phone light on the wall of the closet to find a hole. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Tears sprung into Roman’s eyes as he choked on his own breath. “Where the hell is it!?” He whispered, slamming the closet door closed and moving to check the bed. He tore the bedsheets off and checked the mattress, lifting it up as well to check the bed frame for anything that could be used to record. Nothing.

“Come on, please-” Roman took out the drawer from the bedside table. Nothing. He unscrewed the lightbulb from the lamp, almost shattering it from his tight grip. Nothing. He threw the lamp onto the bed and kicked the nightstand over. Nothing.

Roman choked out a sob as his whole body started to shake. This wasn’t fair, he spent all that time trying to get away from his dad only to end up in a place that hid cameras better than him. Roman gripped the covers he’d thrown and punched the floor next to them, the ache being an almost pleasant distraction from his own head. But his mind continued to race and his crying didn’t let up. The only thing Roman could manage to get out of his mouth was “No, no!”

Then, between Roman’s sobbing, he heard a knock at the door.

Roman froze in place. A feeling of dread spread through his chest and made his fingers go numb. For a second, Roman forgot to breathe as he remembered he forgot to lock the door.

Roman’s body was stiff, but his mind was going a mile a minute in a desperate attempt to save himself. He could hide in the closet, but since he tore everything out of there, if someone opened the door they’d immediately find him. He could hide under the bed, but without the covers to reach the floor it was easy to see he was under there. Roman choked on his own breath when he realized there was nowhere to hide-

“Roman?” The knock came back to the door, gentler than the first time. It wasn’t Patton’s voice like Roman feared, it was Virgil. Raspy and tired-sounding, but without a doubt Virgil.

“Y-yeah?” Roman squeaked out.

“Uh, can I…can I come in?”

Roman’s death grip on the covers loosened up slightly. “Yes…”

Virgil slowly turned the doorknob and opened it, slipping in through the smallest crack and closing the door slowly so it wouldn’t click. Once he was inside, Virgil’s eyes widened as he took in the sight of the destroyed room. “…Holy shit dude.”

Roman tried to dodge the situation, “What do you want?”

“I was gonna come in here and make a joke, like, ‘quiet down it sounds like a tornado is going through here’, but now I think I predicted the fucking future.” Roman put his head down as Virgil looked around in shock. “What the fuck happened?”

Roman wiped away his tears with the palm of his hands, digging into his eyes so hard he saw stars for a moment. “…There’s a camera in here.”

Virgil backed up more towards the door. “Wait, there is?” He darted his eyes around the room looking for what Roman was talking about. Roman let out a shaky breath.

“I haven’t found it yet, but I know it’s in here somewhere!” More tears went down Roman’s face as he hugged himself. Virgil seemed to realize what Roman was babbling on about. “I know Patton put a camera in here for me and I’m freaking out because I can’t find it!”

Virgil looked around at the mess again. He sighed. “I’m not good at this shit…you’re certain it’s in here?”

“Yes!”

“Hey, hey, don’t yell.” Virgil warned. “Pat and Logan are still asleep and I don’t think you’d like all that extra attention right now.”

He was right. If Logan and Patton came in here, Roman didn’t know what he’d do about it. It was the last thing he wanted, so Roman obeyed. “I just…I don’t know what to do…I can’t sleep until I find it.”

Virgil seemed to be thinking. He tugged on the neck of his pajama shirt before speaking. “How about we both make a deal?”

Roman lifted his head up to look at Virgil. “…Deal?”

“We’ll trade rooms for the night. There wouldn’t be a camera in my room if he’s trying to watch you, right?”

Roman paused. “…What if he’s watching you too?”

“I’ve lived here for two years. You think I wouldn’t have noticed a camera in my room by now?”

Roman thought about it. He did have a point, it was hard to go that long without finding the camera. Or at least, have your guardian have it slip that they’ve been watching you. And anything was better than staying in this place.

“…We can trade. Thanks.”

Virgil shrugged. “You know where my room is. Just slip in and don’t wreck all my shit.”

Roman laughed a little bit at that one. Virgil grabbed the sheets and covers off the floor and began to remake the bed as Roman grabbed his backpack and started to slowly open the door. But before he left, Roman had to say one more thing for his own piece of mind. “…Don’t touch my suitcases. I-I’ll know if you do.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow at him. “…I won’t.”

Roman opened the door and softly closed it behind him, slipping into the room next door covered in caution tape. He turned on the light and set his backpack down on the floor, looking around him at all the things that showed Virgil’s personality. Emo band posters covered the walls that were painted a dark purple, with dark wood furniture and Hot Topic decorations all over the place. Just looking at this room told him how angsty this kid was.

Roman shook it off and unzipped his backpack. He could deal with angsty decorations for the night, so long as this place could be safe from creeps. He took out his secret weapon from his backpack, something he secretly bought behind his aunt’s back with his babysitting money, the one item that made him feel secure in a home. He pulled out the security bar, locked Virgil’s door, and placed it under the door handle. Even if someone undid the lock, they wouldn’t be able to sneak inside while he was sleeping.

Roman’s heart calmed down a little for the first time in weeks. Even if it wasn’t much, he felt safe, maybe even safe enough to get some rest for once. Roman crawled into Virgil’s bed, covering himself in his very tasteful Jack Skellington covers, and tried to rest.

Roman’s hands still shook, and his head felt funny, but he eventually drifted off into a light sleep full of anxiety and nightmares.

[cosmicbash]

Fuck it.

I got possessed by a Pelly ghost, or my heavy duty flu medication I'm on and somehow started and finished a Pelly smut prompt in like a half hour, so, to that anon who asked-

Here's some completely unedited, messy ass, probably nonsensical Pelly smut from my medicated ass. I hope you enjoy it 👏

This shit is like 2.5k what the FUCK

Colson and Pete liked to fool around.

Not just in the childish prank war or food fight type of way either. Alot of times their goofy little games quickly changed genres to something more adult. It was hard to avoid, what with the drugs, their chemistry, and the allure of something taboo that came with kissing your best friend.

It never got much farther than handjobs and side by side circle jerks though, and even those felt weird for the first dozen times. Colson didn't really think of himself as bi, or pan, or queer, or whatever the hell they were calling dudes who also jerked off dudes in between banging hot chick's nowadays. Mainly because he didn't jerk off dudes. Just one dude. Pete. He had some stupid exception made in his head for the younger comedian that seemed to cross every and any boundary he tried to set.

So yeah, they fool around. They kiss, they bite eachother, hump, stuff hands down one another's jeans just for laughs, sometimes they even cuddle, but not in an after sex kind of way, just a, move over your couch isn't big enough for me and it's pointless to watch a movie together in the guest room kind of way. It's weird, but not? Colson can't ever seem to put too much thought into whatever he and Pete have going on before he gets distracted or develops a headache.

They're just friends. He thinks.

But. Then again, that doesn't explain how they've ended up here in the comedians bed again. Pete's mouth warm and wet against his own. Kissing him in all the ways he feels like he kisses girls, stealing away his breath and sending a warm tickle down his body all the way to the tips of his toes. It's so different from the usual leading position he finds himself taking in every other hook up that Colson can't help but find himself carried away by it. He would probably be content to lay back and let Pete kiss and fondle him for hours if the brunette didn't always find some stupid joke he had to make and interrupt the mood.

So far tonight they're off to a good start though, maybe a bit too good of one with how his jeans are already down around his ankles and his cock is slick between Pete's tight fist. 

Colson can barely remember what stupid creepy unsolved case files episode they'd been watching on the TV before he jokingly asked Pete to distract him from his paranoid thoughts. Rarely did weed and suspicious murders weigh lightly on Colson's head. He'd spent a whole week after humoring one of Pete's marathons of the show utterly convinced his stylist was out to secretly kill him. People are just so unpredictable its scary.

Like Pete. His mouth might be up pressing against his one second, and down sucking and biting on his tatted nipple the next. It's jarring how random his best friends actions seem sometimes. Like, just when Colson thinks he has Pete's rhythm figured out the comedian senses it and decides to switch things up on him again.

Last week Pete had called Colson weird for curiously flicking his tongue over one of the other man's hard nubs. Outright laughing at his attempt for foreplay and spinning some joke about breastfeeding and asking Colson to call him mommy until the rapper had abandoned the idea altogether. 

Yet here the little hypocrite was, absolutely moaning into his chest while he did the same thing. Free hand stuffed down his own sweats where he's crowded himself between Colson's legs.

It shouldn't be hot, Colson wants to give the same incredulous laugh at his best friends actions and tease him just the same but his throat feels tight and his body electric at the attention. Like Pete knows some secret trick he hasn't yet deciphered that swaps the nerves in your tits and your dick around to drive you wild.

Instead he just moans. Head tipping back and lips parting for a "Fuck- Petey-" before he carts his fingers through soft short brown hair. Maybe it's just the combo of jacking off alongside it, or his pain kink coming back to bite him in the ass. He can't say, but Pete's teeth gnawing softly at his nipple makes his dick squirt just a little more precum with every jerk.

He feels like he might be close. Hips kicking up softly from the mattress when Pete's mouth travels in hungry kisses across his chest to suck at and nibble on the other. 

It's weird. Pushing invisible boundaries yet again but Colson doesn't want him to stop. 

He's hardly participating at all too, one arm thrown above his head to grab at the head board and help arch his back, while the other is still glued to the back of Pete's head like it has been since they first kissed. Usually their flings are two sided, fists racing in their jerks to make the other come first, not self indulgent like tonight where he's hardly touched Pete's dick at all outside of a few over the clothes gropes.

It's got that question nagging at the back of Colson's mind again. Why they're doing this? What he's getting out of opening himself up so vulnerably to his best friend's traveling hands and wandering mouth?

The invasive thoughts are so distracting for a moment that Colson doesn't even realize Pete's traveled souther until he has the electric shock of wet lips sealing around the tip of his dick. Eyes bursting open and heart racing because Pete's kissing him somewhere new. His best friend's fucking taking his dick into his hot warm mouth for the first time.

And holy fuck does he love it.

"F-fuck-" Colson feels like a teenager getting his first blowie again with how his hips instantly jerk up and his fingers tighten around hair. 

Fuck fuck fuck, Pete is swallowing his dick down too fast for him to watch. He knows the comedian has a big mouth but christ, it can't be that deep can it? There's no way Pete has sucked dick before and not told him, they share everything, and until this moment, he thought the disinterest in tasting dick was a big one of those things.

But apparently not, because the comedian is slurping obscenely and sucking all over the tip and length of his dick like a lollipop offered to a man starved. It's so attentive that Colson doesn't even mind the few moments where he cock clumsily slips out of the other's mouth and bumps against a scratchy cheek or blunt teeth. It's amazing.

Colson definitely knows he must be close now. His neck feels stuck in a permanent arch back, face burying itself in the croon of his arm while he moans and curses, and pleas for Pete to not stop.

Less than delicate fingers fondle his balls and spit slips down between his legs but Colson only loves it all more. He wants to fuck his best friends face. Stuff Pete's head down hard and bury his cock down the comedians throat to paint the next couple jokes that come out of his mouth white. He tries to push though and finds a strong resistance, Pete's immediate gag and flinch back easily overpowering his weak shove.

Then the hot mouth is gone. Ripping an embarrassing whimper from the rapper's lips before he can catch it. The quick thrust up of his hips and stretch of his toes to try and kick his way back up into Pete's mouth ignored.

Colson's just about to whine and curse, and bitch at Pete for being such a fucking stupid tease when that evil mouth descends yet again. This time skating down over the long vein stretching the length of his dick to go even lower. Tongue and teeth finding his balls to offer attention there instead. 

Now his curse is more breathy, and his hips arching up higher. Because holy fucking shit Pete is sucking and tugging on his balls like an expert, fist back around the base of his dick to pick up where it left off. 

"God, Pete- Pete-" Colson's own hand has abandoned soft hair to clumsily grab at his own thigh. Fingers slipping and struggling to find purchase on sweat slick skin so that he can help hike his legs up a little higher to get Pete going lower. Every inch of his sack begging for the same attention that's fluttering across it. It takes a few swift kicks to free his one foot from his jeans but when he does it only lets his legs spread open wider. Every part of him arching and opening itself up for Pete to see with no flash of the usual shame he feels from even stripping his pants off all the way around the comedian.

He just needs more. He's so so close and Pete's tasting him like someone starved.

His dick is leaking, precum streaming out in more consistent spurts and oversensitivity just starting to tingle at the tip with every twist of Pete's wrist. Colson knows he's going to come, his neck is twisted and his face pressed hard against the hard wood of the headboard from all of his stretching and kicking to guide Pete lower and it should hurt but he can barely feel any of those aches over the chills he gets when both of Pete's hands suddenly grab him by the thighs and yank him down a little. Uncharacteristically rough in their manhandling until Colson is blinking blearily up at the bland ceiling and trembling because his ass is leaving the bed. Pete's nose bumping against his balls and tongue swiping over his taint.

The noise that bursts from between his parted lips doesn't even sound human at this point. Something between a wheeze and a moan while the room spins and his best friends tongue abruptly drags flat over his asshole to top off the absurdity of the whole night.

Colson's fingers are still cutting sharp into the back of his thigh though, grip only tightening as his body moves on its own to pull his knee closer to his chest. The bump of Pete's fingers near his own tingly in every good way.

There's no backing out now, he's losing his mind in the rush of everything, all thought flying out the window to make room for a mantra of, fuck, please, please, Petey, please- until there's another lap tongue against his hole and a fist curling back around his neglected dick.

He only lasts another few jerks. Pete's mouth sucking and humming around the rim of his asshole while he paints his own chest. Tongue out in a long moan and eyes rolled back into his head until he sees stars. It's so good. Colson can feel he body rocking and twitching with every spurt of cum, and Pete's tongue isn't slowing either. Pressing and licking until it has wiggled its way inside his ass and the moans coming from his mouth wind their way down into whimpers from overstimulation. 

Colson's legs drop fast, snapping down from his grip like his fingers are a broke rubber band to catch on Pete's shoulder. Over the blood rushing in his ears he can hear Pete moaning, fuck, he can feel it against his skin. It's desperate, so much that eventually the comedian isn't even licking or tongueing him anymore, just mumbling and bumping his mouth between the rapper's cheeks in escalating fervor.

Colson's brain is still too busy rebooting for him to properly appreciate how fucking hot it sounds. He can hear the wet slap of Pete's dick too, skin clapping against skin with what he can only guess is lightning jerks of fist.

"Fuuuuck-" Pete's finally the one cursing, his whole body jerking up from where he's been burying his face between Colsons legs to scramble up onto his knees. Sweats shoved down around his thighs, dick all shiny and almost purple while he moans and jerks it off in front of him. The leg Colson had dropped down on Pete's shoulder half rising with him, caught before it can slip by the comedian extra hand to keep it high and his back arched before the man comes. Hot spurts burning Colson's skin everywhere it lands between them. Especially across his own balls and inner thighs, Pete not stopping until he's half stumbling forward to crush the blonde and cum is peppering thick drops against Colson's twitching hole too. His groan long and deep while he watches.

The visual alone is enough to make the rapper's spent dick twitch. Heart beat quickening and face burning hotter in embarrassment over how blissed out his best friends expression has become once their eyes finally meet.

Pete's going to kiss him. He can see it clear as day in those honey brown eyes and that wet pout of lips. 

He just narrowly avoids it with a fast slap of hand across the comedians mouth after Pete drops forward. His own knuckles bumping hard against his teeth with how close of call it is, and Pete's nose poking softly at his cheek.

"Fuck dude-" Colson still feels shaky as he speaks. Head twisting sideways away from Pete's repeated bump and weak smooch against his palm before he continues. "No way, fuck, man, your tongue was just in my ass-" Even saying the word out loud burns Colson's ears and makes his thighs tremble a little.  "Gross, gross, gross dude!"

"Mm, sowwy-" Pete's mouth is still pressing with its kisses, his words half mumbled and slurred by the flat press of Colson's hand that refuses to move.

"Fuck." The heat of the moment finally fading Colson can't help but find himself cursing again and again. "Fucking fuck-" a hysterical laugh is bubbling up his throat and with it a couple dozen more that burst free with a shake of his shoulders and a light shove at Pete's face so he can rub his hand over his face instead. "You fucking licked my ass-"

"I know-" Pete sounds downright apologetic where he buries his face against one sweaty tatted shoulder but Colson can only shake harder. More and more laughter coming until he's almost in tears repeating it yet again.

"You ate my fucking ass Pete!" It's so funny he almost can't breathe. Boundaries and embarrassment aside the reality of the situation finally settling in just has Colson cackling in disbelief. "Oh my god dude-"

"I- I got caught up in the moment-" Pete's face is redder than he's ever seen it when Colson peeks out from behind his hand, and if he could laugh harder he would. But he can't so instead he smiles. He smiles as wide and as big as he can until his cheeks hurt up at his ashamed best friend.

"And you called me a weirdo for licking your nipple dude?"

He is never letting Pete live this down. 

[love-takes-work]

Steven Universe: End of an Era: Outline & Review

I wrote this review in October but never got around to posting it here

Steven Universe: End of an Era is far more than an art book–it’s also a collection of behind-the-scenes material, stories about the experience of working on the show, planning documents and associated background info, and both older versions of developed concepts AND concepts that never made it into the show. It's a huge fusion of all those elements, and it's definitely an experience!

Some low-quality images are included with my review just to give you an idea of what’s there--it’s not a good substitute for getting your own copy, but here’s a tour!

Like the previous concept art book, Art and Origins, I'll be giving you a description of the structure and overview, while also collecting notable information for fans. Obviously just about everything is "notable" once again, but I'll aim for unique insight or perspective on the main source material, keeping the screaming about everything new to a minimum so you can also enjoy something for yourself if you pick it up. My low-quality photos should prevent people from feeling like I'm reproducing the book in any capacity. Please grab one while you can and have your own experience!

[SU Book and Comic Reviews]

OVERVIEW

The book is titled "End of an Era" for a couple reasons--obviously because it is released after the show has wrapped, but also because Gem history recently ended its "Era 2" and began Era 3--an age of prosperity and peace. The author--the person in charge of adapting all of this information into this slick, readable package--is Chris McDonnell, whose work was previously applied on the Art and Origins book.

The foreword is by N.K. Jemisin, a well-known science fiction author who's a huge fan of the show (and wrote a really excellent series that also has a weird geological connection, by the way).

And the cover, like its predecessor, is shiny and decorated with a beach scene featuring minimalistic characters--this time it's the Gems at night in front of the Temple, and on the back cover is a big pink leg ship in a cross-legged pose.

The interior covers are decorated with tons of amazing sketches of Steven and Connie on the front, and a bunch of Gem sketches on the back. Every interior page that most would leave blank is highlighted with some kind of sketch art or character exercise--it's so much to look at, so much to absorb.

The book is dedicated "For Eddie."

Its organization is different from the previous book in that it shares applicable work in chunks associated with groups of episodes rather than pertaining to different aspects of building the show.

FOREWORD

N.K. Jemisin gives us such a great introduction to the book--apparently understanding very well that the audience of this book is full of animation enthusiasts and adult fans more than it is full of kids, and explaining that bewildering journey some adults had from blowing this show off as a silly kid thing to falling in love with it hard and fast.

The important thing, Jemisin says, is being able to trust a storyteller with your heart. And it was clear to her that Rebecca Sugar knew what she was talking about and was saying important things about identity and the radical power that comes with accepting it and demanding respect.

Important also is how we handle heroes and who gets to be one in fantasy. That's part of the reason Steven Universe speaks to so many--because we see ourselves here, and know stories can be about us. Acknowledging the power we all have to MAKE THINGS BETTER with what we fight for is so important--especially if we're going to speaking to the next generation about it.

Highlighting Rose Quartz as a "born leader" who failed and Steven as a relatable scamp who did what she couldn't, Jemisin asserts that we can save the world.

1. END OF AN ERA

We start with an appeal to the audience to think about identity and the formative parts of our childhood--and how different it is if who you are and who you become is restricted, mocked, erased, or Not Allowed. Most people, if not ALL people, can relate to this, but for those of us with a special relationship with Steven Universe because of queer identity, this hits hard.

But it doesn't have to be anything grand to be something we respect--this show's authenticity comes largely from how personal everything is, drawn from real-life experiences and incidental truths from each artist's perspective, leaning hard on childhood and formative experiences.

Rebecca Sugar offers some interview bits to discuss writing philosophy and why "writing female characters" was difficult for a nonbinary person who'd been socialized as a girl and a woman. Rebecca has spoken before about how frustrating it is that marketing for cartoons was SO gendered when she was growing up (and to some extent still is).

The Gems in the story are all "she/her," but on their planet they're defined by their work, not by emotion or relationships (unlike women in our society), so having them be socialized opposite to how she was and be able to claim those emotions through choice and NOT as just an expectation "as women" was revolutionary. Rebecca wants her show to tell all marginalized people that they don't deserve to be in the margins.

Weighing in on other aspects of the show were Ian Jones-Quartey, Joe Johnston, and Miki Brewster. Ian describes feeling like at first doing SU was a thrill ride that meant they'd finally get to do all the cool stuff, but it quickly became a responsibility that he took very seriously--the need to tell a good story now that he'd been given a megaphone.

Promotional art, planning documents, character sketches, and concept art from the lighthearted to the stone serious is included, along with some very cool (sort of famous) timeline charts that track major characters' developments. It's emphasized by Rebecca that the developmental materials ARE NOT CANON (and especially are not MORE canon) compared the final show.

There are concept sketches alongside final art for Aquamarine and Topaz in "Wanted" (with Topaz labeled "Imperial Topaz"), the Zircons in "The Trial," Blue and Yellow Diamond, and the Off Colors (including Pink Lars).

And there's also a spread of "the two sides of Steven's life: Gem Magic and Rock N Roll" featuring Sadie Killer and the Suspects (referred to as "Buck's band")--as well as a cool "Crew Cameos" key and some concepts for short-haired Connie.

And then there's some more "finished" art with stills alongside concepts, including some background art, revision, and really cool "fairytale" art from some of the shadowplay storytelling bits. We get "Lars of the Stars," "Jungle Moon," and "Can't Go Back."

2. THE BEGINNING OF THE END: A SINGLE PALE ROSE

In discussing the huge reveals and Gem mysteries in the show, the pacing is examined, and emphasis is put on the intended "slow burn." One of the most difficult things in the show was to strategize so that every piece that was needed to support another piece in the future was placed properly to seed what it was supposed to.

Some of the ideas they developed were more of a group effort and were fit together collaboratively (like Amethyst's being younger than the other Gems and Jasper being from Earth), while others were intended from the beginning based on Rebecca's vision (the fundamental idea of Pink Diamond's true identity, for instance, as well as Obsidian's design and sword and our Pearl not being Pink's first).

The writing process gets a great deep dive here, including fun tidbits like how the orb in the moon base was inserted by Joe Johnston and they literally had no idea what it was for when they wrote the episode. They repurposed it when they figured out what they needed.

Rebecca credits her detailed timelines for helping keep the order straight, and discusses how other artists are sometimes flabbergasted that a storyboard-driven show can have this much detail and continuity and yet not get wrecked by the free non-scripted boarding process. But Rebecca and the Crew valued that approach and loved the way fresh eyes would handle an idea, making it come back alive, entertaining, vivid.

Several Crew members weigh in on the writing process. Lauren Hecht refers to making lots of incorrect guesses despite being on the inside. Joe Johnston recalled getting briefed on his first day and getting so excited to start working on this massive project.

Miki Brewster remembered being told Rose Quartz is Pink Diamond and being shocked--and also confused about why Ruby and Sapphire would need to be married if they're already basically married. Drew Green talks about being brought in late and getting to watch unaired episodes and a rough of the movie while eating cereal.

Ian Jones-Quartey complains about Pink Diamond's real jester-like form being leaked to the internet through a Hot Topic shirt. Rebecca piggybacks on that and says it was upsetting that the wedding was leaked because of toy fair keychains featuring Ruby and Sapphire in wedding attire. They'd always be worried about leaks, and sometimes Rebecca struggled not to talk about the reality of Pink Diamond before the reveal because she knew it would make so much more sense once the truth was out. And everything associated with Rose makes more sense once you know she's Pink--especially what happened with Bismuth, considering what we know about how Pink Diamond has a habit of treating anyone who no longer serves her interests.

When it comes to visual cues, Rebecca also talks about intentional designs to create a feeling of unity between concepts, like the flower shapes on Pink Diamond's palanquin lining up with the poofs of Steven's hair and the star imagery of the series. Steven Sugar and Mary Nash discuss how the Human Zoo incorporated this imagery, trying to look like Homeworld with a Pink Diamond touch.

Steven Sugar, as a game nerd, liked to throw in video game references from old and modern stuff to feel like he's inserting what he's enjoying and who he is from moment to moment, while Mary Nash, who related to Sadie as a basement-dwelling young person with cult interests, liked to include stuff from MST3K and cult movies. Pearl's hand gestures get a spotlight too--her reflex to cover her mouth when Pink Diamond was being discussed was analyzed here.

A "Top Secret Visual Timeline" from 2016 is included which tells us some Diamond history. It has an earlier version of Pink Pearl's fate and does not include Spinel since the movie hadn't been greenlit. The timeline includes the birth of the Diamonds, the emergence and major story beats for each major character, and some philosophy of the driving force behind each.

We're told that Pink Diamond straightened up, behavior-wise, after she lost her first Pearl, and that Yellow and Blue wanted to give her a planet but White only agreed to it to prove she would fail at managing a colony. Pearl, meanwhile, is so confused to have a Diamond who keeps asking her what she thinks when she doesn't believe she should have opinions.

And when Pink moonlighted as Rose to start conflict, she found herself leading an army to fight Pink's troops--then Yellow's, and eventually Blue's too. Lapis is said to be waiting for the conflict to end on Earth so she can terraform, but she gets trapped instead.

Pearl's love story with Rose is described as "an endless honeymoon" where she's free to love her, while Rose's is more like "I'm now the head of the family and I'm going to give everyone what they never had, so everyone is super special!"

Jasper is described as "adopted" into Yellow's army as the only successful Beta Quartz. And White Diamond knew that Pink Diamond was not dead--she thought she was just running away from home like a brat and would eventually be back.

3. THE HEART OF THE CRYSTAL GEMS

Now we discuss Rose Quartz--the original Pink Diamond. How she was selfish and selfless, never enough and always too much, and how Greg was her first partner who "challenged her" to be an equal. Rebecca describes Rose as being delighted by the idea that both she and Greg reinvented themselves, but when that leads her to want to share her past, Greg isn't interested--he only wants to know who she is now, and doesn't consider the old her to be her.

Rebecca likes Carl Jung's concept of "enantiodromia," which is the idea that extremes lead to their extreme opposite. This is demonstrated in all of the Diamonds. This narrative is interspersed with drawings of Greg and Rose being cute.

But another "heart" of the Crystal Gems is its relationships--particularly, Garnet, the fairy tale romance embodied. More psychological theories are discussed with regard to differentiation in a relationship making the relationship stronger, and how they made sure that happened for Garnet during the appropriate arc. Rebecca has struggled with the idea that she, like Ruby, went straight from a "family" group to a living-with-others situation and never lived by herself. But she also learned that you can in fact develop as a person in the context of a relationship--you don't have to be alone to do it. Ruby learned that too, and chose on her own terms to be with Sapphire.

The wedding made so much sense to Rebecca and the crew that they couldn't imagine a wholesome couple like Ruby and Sapphire not having a wedding episode. They wanted it for years: The wedding concepts always included the tuxedo for Sapphire and the wedding dress for Ruby.

But pushback (often blamed on the conservative standards of the international market) led to negotiations trying to keep Ruby and Sapphire's relationship from being explicit. Rebecca and the Crew were very tired of this double standard, and they were especially irritated by attempts to claim a wedding wouldn't be well received by a core demographic or wouldn't make sense for Steven's character. But other shows had done weddings and Steven had been established to love weddings already.

Rebecca kept adding more elements to the wedding episode to answer all the concerns, but she didn't want to back down from explicit marriage between these characters. They deserved it. And the audience deserved to see this as wholesome, like any other cartoon wedding. Eventually they got their way and were allowed to have the wedding. But the ordered episodes were also coming to a close without promise of more, so Rebecca had to request more episodes to be able to wrap up the storyline!

And of course, there is Steven, the true heart of the team. A very interesting aside discusses Garnet's leadership and how the network pushed the Crewniverse to acknowledge Steven as the leader. This was successfully resisted throughout as well--because Garnet is the leader (unless she's incapacitated, of course). It's fantastic that this concept was preserved because too often a young male chosen one is elevated above people with more experience and knowledge because of that chosen one tradition, so it's really nice to have a show acknowledge that team leadership is more appropriate for an adult.

4. ERA 3

Beginning with a discussion of the Diamonds, this chapter deconstructs the dysfunctional "family" of the Diamonds (who are said to be based on tropes about evil stepmothers and stepsisters), with the thread of dysfunction originating with White Diamond.

Yellow is physical, Blue is emotional, White is judgmental, and Pink is impulsive. Some philosophy on why Pink is naturally manipulative and why she clashes so much with White is offered.

White believes her identity is to be imposed on all because she is the pinnacle of what should be--and therefore, she has the right to make decisions and statements about and on behalf of everyone. But her secret is that she can't do what the others do--act or feel or want. In trying to be everyone, she is no one.

And this becomes very important when she confronts Steven about his identity and turns out to be wrong. The triumph of Steven being totally, fully himself is a beautiful, simple revelation that's described as far more satisfying than the theories about Pink living inside him or Rose returning from his Gem.

Also discussed is Gem architecture. A lot went into this idea, and Steven Sugar weighs in to say he had to think of what it would mean for a world to have buildings but serve no human needs. That's why it's mostly focused on transport and storage. Even the broken planet is meant to indicate a place stripped for its resources, and everything serves a function that is meant to avoid looking like the human equivalents.

And there's another layer, too: a difference between Era 1 and Era 2. Era 2 became more functional to hide Era 1's broken bits, and older Homeworld buildings still have some "ornate and ancient" feel to them. And the fact that props, tools, and even walls and doors could be living was taken from a concept Rebecca thought was horrible from old Busby Berkeley movies, where people were inanimate objects and it was portrayed as lovely. Tom Herpich helped conceptualize these living objects.

Steven dealing with "princess tropes" is discussed here too. The Pebbles (worked on with Pendleton Ward) were sort of his Cinderella's mice, and all the locked-in-a-tower, having supportive tiny friends help you, getting princess clothes made, attending a ball, having to mind your manners stuff was intentionally related to fairy tales.

The point of doing that (besides fun) was to easily invoke the feeling that Steven was being made to be someone he's not, and that he was being treated like THIS is who he really is when it isn't. White Diamond as the "evil stepmother" is discussed with regard to her detailed features and massive scale. They generally didn't put fingernails and eyelashes on characters (especially not to indicate that they were women or girls!), but they decided White would get all of these feminine markers for tradition's sake.

Rebecca also invokes several other references that were included and describes the princess tropes as "chipping away at his integrity" setting him up for the final challenge with White.

There is again tons of concept art: Homeworld architecture, Pebbles, Diamond diagrams, background Jades and Lemon Jade Fusion, Comby, Diamond extraction chambers, and White Diamond.

5. CHANGE YOUR MIND

Now we finally begin to discuss Steven's identity. The "Perfect Steven," discussed in several interviews before this book's release, was an idea back in 2013; the "ultimate Steven," beefed up and shonen-looking, was far from perfect because OUR Steven is perfect, while this alpha hero Steven idea (used in Steven Universe Future) didn't belong being idolized in such a show.

They thought about having Steven fall apart into organic half and Gem half early in the show (during "Giant Woman" after a successful fusion and unfusion, even!), but they didn't try the concept until the last episode. They didn't want the "Pink" Steven to be portrayed as "better" even though he would be more powerful, so they decided he isn't whole without his organic self and he's just as much of a shell as the organic half. They absolutely did not want any ending that required Rose to be inside him or waiting to come back. But the debates were fierce--what DOES it mean to have Rose's Gem?

Ian Jones-Quartey brings in an anecdote about his own family to emphasize some of the immigrant themes that inspired aspects of the show. He had a brother who reinvented himself elsewhere away from family without resolving issues, and all the ramifications of that were explored in the show through Rose Quartz. (He is careful to say he doesn't think his immigrant experience is like being from another planet!) But he did say you can hurt your old family even if they were toxic or didn't know the real you, and you can hurt your new family by hiding your past. The Pizza family of course was also a more direct reference to Ian's Ghanaian family.

In talking about the new Fusions from this episode, Sunstone is largely described by Miki, who also got to board the Sunstone section. Sunstone was described as a cool 1990s character and the evolution just continued into making them a fourth-wall-breaking PSA dispenser. Obsidian is also discussed, with their sword being an early concept. Steven Sugar said they totally knew it would be forged in action. Obsidian being similar to the Temple design is of course another very early detail.

The story of how James Baxter got involved with one of the final scenes (Organic Steven and Pink Steven fusing in front of White Diamond) was shared. His family was fans of the show and Rebecca Sugar took the time to drive to a birthday party for his daughter and give her a drawing. He then owed her a favor, and this was it.

Concept art is again included, this time with sample boards, promo images, a Diamond fight concept, costume design changes for the Gems, new Fusions, the so-called "Mega Diamond" ship conglomerate, some scenes from the White Diamond confrontation, Pink Steven, multiple pages of James Baxter animation, corrupted Gems and their healed selves, and photos from the "Change Your Mind" premiere and some awards. The show has won one design-related Emmy, a Peabody Award, and a GLAAD award.

6. STEVEN UNIVERSE FUTURE

The book doesn't cover the movie because it got its own book, but dives right into Future. Ian Jones-Quartey emphasizes that the movie and Future are separate and different from the original show, which ENDED. After all, after that, Steven has a neck!

Some new names are invoked now: new writers Kate Tsang, Jack Pendarvis, and Taneka Stotts. They were excited to have Steven make HIS OWN mistakes instead of trying to clean up someone else's! Now, instead of doing the usual shonen anime thing and having the final battle be a big physical rumble, Steven has to make peace with himself and take an active role in coping with what all the fighting has done to him and what effect it's had on who he is (and who he wants to be). There is no sudden "I love myself!" answer, either. It's always a process.

Drew Green and Maya Petersen, who came on board as storyboarders officially in Future, also weighed in on writing for a "mature" show, how to deal with Steven being a "moral compass" while being sort of unreliable, and what they learned as Crew that they didn't know as fans. Drew didn't know Garnet never asks questions. Jack didn't realize the show never deviated from Steven's point of view. Taneka was nervous but excited to collaborate. Kate was worried about how established the show was and what to do as a new writer to contribute appropriately.

Maya was on the old Crew but not as a storyboarder, so felt like some of the "old" ideas ended up not being appropriate for the "new" Future in an embarrassing way--and dreaded the idea of dealing with Steven's emotional problems when they were similar to stuff she'd been through. She also was personally behind the idea of Steven wanting to dump his problems by becoming Stevonnie, and got to work with Etienne Guignard on inventing the Pearl creation backstory with Volleyball.

There's some discussion of "depression hobbies," stress, and the show's pacing. And they say Etienne was entertaining at pitches. There's even some discussion of how Greg is taken off a bit of a pedestal because his terrible restrictive life in the suburbs sounded wholesome to Steven and Greg presented it negatively.

And then there is some information about how the Crew felt behind the scenes due to fan reactions and negative press. Ian discusses feeling offended when the Black characters are described as bad examples, as if their cartoonized but realistic-in-context features are automatically caricatures.

Rebecca Sugar felt beaten down by some of these narratives and began to access mental health services, inspiring some of the content of "Mindful Education." A long reflection from Rebecca discusses people's infighting about her show and what she had a responsibility to show or not show in the story. She learned a lot about bullying from Cartoon Network's anti-bullying program and learned that bullies thrive on whatever attention you give them--unless it is made clear to them by a peer group that no one is impressed by their cruel actions. Also, not all negative feedback is bullying. Constructive criticism is different. Self-awareness can help you avoid internalizing what bullies might do or say to you.

Segueing from the discussion of how people are affected by and connect with the show, we then discuss how they chose as a team what should be covered as the show came to a close. They didn't have time to do quite a few stories they wanted time for, like a Rhodonite story, a Lars side story, and Diamond "prehistory" and religion; all of it was put aside for the main arc with Steven.

They thought people would find those stories about Homeworld and Off Color history very interesting, but so much of the show had been about Steven's Gem adventures, so keeping him mostly on Earth seemed appropriate. The acknowledgment of his battle damage, of his trauma, was necessary and real, and helpful in an important way to the core audience.

Oh, and there was some stuff about a cheeseburger tree. Don't ask.

In discussing the "reverse escapism" of the original show (Gem aliens are intrigued by everyday human culture, and realism is necessary), Rebecca says her views have changed on escapism and gets why some people want a soothing feel-better show. She acknowledged also that her own escapist dreams-come-true fulfilled in the show didn't feel like escapism because they were givens to the majority of mainstream culture, but were never guaranteed to marginalized people.

Rebecca ties in her several-times-told story about "Love Like You" and how the middle bit was when she didn't feel she was worth looking up to, and the realizations she had to tie the beginning to the end. Feeling like someone will like you less if they know you more is terrible. So sometimes a show like this can be helpful in telling people that they belong when their fantasies are things like "I want to be loved" and "I want to know I exist."

In Future, Steven has to connect to who he is and love that person--and understand that person enough to finally feel that even if he's not fixing their problems or saving their world right this second, Steven deserves his family's love and support, and they WANT to give it to him.

There's a huge amount of supplemental material in this section so there's no way I could name it all. The charts for Future's timeline are pretty straightforward, though a few episodes like "A Very Special Episode," "Why So Blue," "In Dreams," and "Bismuth Casual" aren't specifically represented and a couple are in a different order ("Prickly Pair" was conceived as happening after "Fragments" and "Homeworld Bound").

Steven feeling like a monster, having intrusive thoughts, having not forgiven the Diamonds, and getting help/moving on--it's all there.

We have keys, color scripts, and boards for the new opening and some various backgrounds and storyboard art from episodes. Model sheets for Shep, Nice Lapis and Mean Lapis, Jasper, Steven Tag Gems, Pink Steven Powers, Monster Steven. New house concepts, Era 3 Homeworld concept art for the Diamond environments, and background art for the Reef.

New Connie and Greg designs. Concepts for Mega Pearl, the Rose Quartzes, Bluebird, and Morganite (who didn't get used). And there are some photos from recording and the conference room. There are even some extras from "Crossover Nexus," the crossover with OK K.O.!--including an unused cut scene that included Ruby and Sapphire fighting. The rest of the book is a bunch of adorable Crewniverse art--extras, blog drawings, promos, and gifts to each other.

NOTABLE

1.

The first timeline chart in the book features a cool sketch of the original Off Colors, which at the time this planning document was drafted included unused Off Colors Flint and Chert.

We knew of their existence already because of an episode of the podcast, but these two unexpectedly appeared as incidental characters in the Steven Universe Future episode "Homeworld Bound," identified only in the credits. Sad to think that instead of banding with the Off Colors, these two were probably shattered for their crime (being Quartzes who don't want to fight) and that's why we see them being repaired in this episode. Later, there's some brainstorming for types of Off Colors and "a Ruby that wants to wear limb enhancers" is mentioned as well.

2. 

It looks like there was also originally more juice to the story of tracking down the events of the war culminating in Pink Diamond's assassination.

One of the timelines talks about Steven thinking it makes sense that Pearl can't talk about her involvement because she might have been a double agent, explaining why Rose Quartz always knew what Pink Diamond was doing. It seems like that bit was supposed to be included in Garnet's version of the story she believed in "Your Mother and Mine." Seems like they originally conceived Garnet's story to inspire the Off Colors to become pirates and freedom fighters, though in the show's canon this storytelling happened after Lars had already reinvented himself the way he did.

Sadie was also supposed to be sending letters to Lars via Steven, which is funny since the "Letters to Lars" episode is just a montage Steven letter. And of course it's specified that Steven was supposed to get Pink Diamond flashbacks by going to the Palace on Homeworld.

3. 

The second chart in the book makes references to Sadie's reinvention of herself as a parallel to Lars, Greg, and Pink Diamond all doing the same thing, and how positive it is to embrace such a thing--a version of yourself that YOU create.

I love that Yellow Diamond's arm ship arm-wrestling the Cluster was always part of the plan.

There's some more explicit direction to have Connie help Steven understand the Diamonds as "strict parents," and a lot more emphasis on everyone realizing Rose had been inspired by THEM rather than them all following her.

White Diamond is presented here as if she thinks of Pink Diamond as a "daughter" (whom she now understands she has "lost"). There are notes on how the Diamonds have a responsibility to their children and should attend to it before just continuing to make more.

4.

One of the concept art images for the Off Colors features Rhodonite crouching by Padparadscha saying "Don't worry, I won't let them hurt you." It's very interesting because she DOES seem to protect Padparadscha in the show, but doesn't seem confident about it in her final version, even though it does seem like she'd be "programmed" to guard aristocratic Gems because of her Ruby and Pearl makeup. Cool.

5.

A "Crew Cameos" spread was included, which is of great interest to some of us who loved seeing the Crew insert themselves into the show. Not every SU Crew person who's been represented in a crowd was there, but this crowd included Amish Kumar, Kat Morris, Amanda Winterstein, Angie Wang, Lamar Abrams, Emily Walus, Mary Nash, Joe Johnston, Christy Cohen, Danny Cragg, Hilary Florido, Danny Hynes, Matt Burnett, Ben Levin, Elle Michalka.

6.

The official national flower of South Korea, Hibiscus syriacus, is the name of Pink Diamond's flower.

7.

One of Steven Sugar's comments about the silhouette difference between humans and Gems points out that humans have ears. This seems to be pretty good confirmation that they are not supposed to have ears, despite that sometimes we'll see ears drawn on them in some frames.

8.

Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond is characterized in this book as "self-hating" in a really interesting way, saying that because she believed she was not capable of compassion, she practically worshiped those who demonstrated that ability and thought they were so much better than her--which is described as "intoxicating" and resulted in others being drawn to her. How interesting is that!

9.

Timelines reveal that early plans for Pink Diamond's first Pearl originally had her getting destroyed by Pink during  a game, and then her destruction was rewritten as a punishment from the Diamonds after Pink Pearl defended Pink Diamond to the other Diamonds. They went back to the idea of her getting hurt by Pink for the final version, though the cracked face and control by White Diamond was not on the agenda until they started writing "Change Your Mind."

10.

The approximate ages of the major characters, based on emergence, are revealed on these timelines. It begins with a cracked-planet-looking graphic depicting four tiny Diamonds emerging at 20,000 years ago. Some suspicious "blacked out" redacting surrounds a long timeline tail that goes back before that, which may mean there are secrets they still don't want to reveal. But the dates go like this:

20,000 years ago: The Diamonds emerge.

11,000 years ago: Pearl is custom-made for Pink Diamond.

8,000 years ago: Sapphire emerges (on Homeworld).

6,000 years ago: Ruby emerges (on a colony).

5,750 years ago: Garnet is formed.

5,600 years ago: Lapis is poofed and put in the mirror.

5,200 years ago: Jasper emerges (on Earth).

5,050 years ago: The Cluster is planted.

5,000 years ago: Amethyst emerges (on Earth).

4,500 years ago: The Crystal Gems found Amethyst.

3,000 years ago: Peridot emerges (on Homeworld).

40 years ago: Pearl found Lapis's mirror at the Galaxy Warp.

And of course we know 14 years ago Steven is born!

11.

Originally the Diamonds were based on a quartet of themes: Love, Fear, Pride, and Sorrow. It got too complicated to keep and it was abandoned, with Pink's identification of "love" being described as "particularly outdated."

12.

Notes on a sketch say that Pearl was inspired to become bold and unashamed because Pink's questions drove her to have opinions, and it's said that Rose "fell in love" with her boldness.

13.

Rebecca tells the story of driving off a ridge and getting stuck in the desert, comparing this to Ruby's tumble during her Wild West adventure and using it as inspiration. She's told this story before but here it is in print. She also included the story about using the flowers from a friend's wedding to put in Ruby's hair.

14.

Rebecca describes having to "fight" notes she was given when it had to do with Ruby and Sapphire's relationship. One she describes as NOT fighting was for a signing card depicting Ruby and Sapphire dancing. It was called "too romantic" and she decided not to worry about it since it wasn't the actual show content.

She was also scolded over her book The Answer because the powers that be expected her to downplay that relationship. She always argued that queer youth deserved these things.

15.

Tom Herpich describes being inspired to name Blue Diamond's comb "Comby" because he was watching the news about Comey getting fired from the FBI. It's also a mineral-related term and I always assumed that reference was intentional, but maybe it's not and this is the only intended significance to Comby's name?

16.

Rainbow Quartz 2.0's design is not discussed, though the other two new Fusions from "Change Your Mind" (Sunstone and Obsidian) were. RQ2 has some sketches included, but no accompanying narrative in the text.

17.

A sheet of corrupted Gems and their healed selves is offered, though it doesn't appear to be final. The obelisk in "Serious Steven" is labeled Albite. The unnamed Worm Monster, Desert Glass, and Watermelon Tourmaline are included. An unnamed birdlike Gem represents the Big Bird monster from "Giant Woman." The crab monster from "Arcade Mania" is labeled Blue Chalcedony. The Tongue Monster is drawn uncorrupted but not named. The Flower Monster from "Back to the Kindergarten" is labeled Grossular Diopside or Titanite. The invisible monster from "Island Adventure" is labeled Moonstone. The Lighthouse Gem is labeled White Topaz. A form for Larimar that was used in "Change Your Mind" but changed in Future is there. The Slinker is listed as Chrysocolla. And the Crab Monster is listed as Aventurine.

On the next page, this is changed to Bixbite (as it was in Steven Universe Future), and we then also have Lace Amethyst, Blue Lace Agate, Crazy Lace Agate (Fusion), Ocean Jasper, the Mother Centipeetle Nephrite (Facet 413 Cabochon 12) and three other Nephrites, Angel Aura Quartz, a hooded Jasper, Zebra Jasper, Biggs Jasper, Watermelon Tourmaline (labeled as Fusion of Gem * Onion--huh?), Snowflake Obsidian, "Little" Larimar, and Orange Spodumene (who was the Worm).

18.

The Rhodonite side story would have been about the love story of a Ruby and a Pearl working for Morganite. Images of Morganite and her servants, unfused, are in the book. We do not get this additional information, but Rebecca said in a panel shortly before the book's release that Rhodonite's story would have been about finding out that she had been Rejuvenated 17 times because her components kept falling in love and needing to be reset.

19.

Referring to the Diamonds on one of the charts, Steven's perspective is "I can't believe I helped these" and then there's a censor bar. Welp.

20.

Some included art by Hilary Florido features Kevin with a souped-up Koala Princess car and another where Kevin is staring at himself in the mirror in front of an altar to himself.

21.

Rebecca's sweater collection is included in the Crew art.

[SU Book and Comic Reviews]