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saturnsstufff · 4 years ago

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The Empress pt.IX

Warnings: Alcohol, swearing, mentions of death.

(So, sorry this is so short)

After talking with Phil you both decided it would be best to return to the party. Although you weren't looking forward to seeing the lingering looks and stares, you were looking forward to dancing with Techno. Now that you've had a moment to ease your senses, you were able to push away the others and focus on your lover.

When Techno saw you walk in with Phil, his lips turned into a smile. He offered his arm back to you, of course you took it without hesitation. Phil was happy to see you two having fun together, a lot of the things techno did with you, was what Phil did with his wife. So seeing you two was almost a blast from the past.

"Feeling better?" He asked softly. His arm rested on your forearm. Wanting to clarify that you were ok. You gave him a nod and smiled.

"Much better." He gave a reassuring nod and turned to the crowd again. You noticed the lingering eyes had fallen back to you. As much as you wanted to say the two of you looked like a casual couple. Techno was dressed beautifully in his traditional military uniform, truly looking regal and official. Like Sarah, she was also in her traditional uniform as well. Although looking around, most of the attendees were in uniform. This is what Sarah must have meant when she said that most of her friends were within her ranks. Even as Sarah's Maid of Honor, you were dressed very nicely. Purples and reds adorned the dress. Techno's favorite colors. You didn't know it, but Techno had specifically requested that you were dressed as regal as possible. Since this was the first time the public, and court would see you, he wanted to make a lasting impression with you. He knew you weren't the most ladylike, but for what your manners lacked, your personality made up for. You were kind and always willing to correct yourself. He only hoped that the court would see this as well.

After a while Techno and you had found a comfortable seat to eat a little late dinner. Of course the meal last long as the time came for the brides to have their dance with the fathers. On Sarah's behalf this meant a dance with Techno. You had no problem offering him up to her of course. You knew she had no intention of stealing Techno or anything of the sorts. when they made their way to the ball room floor, the two contrasted greatly. Technoblade was dressed in darks well Seraphina was in whites, It was beautiful to say the least, but then again most things within this palace was.

Well Techno and Sarah danced, you felt little hands tug at the hem of your dress. Tommy. You looked down at the little boy. Like his brother's he was dressed just as nice. You couldn't help smiling wide, taking him into your arms. When you rested him on your knee he quickly became interested with the items on the table. Of course you didn't mind though. You even offered him the roll from your plate, knowing they were his favorite. When you looked up, you saw Philza give you a gentle nod, and a smile. Acknowledging Tommy was with you.

Well you watched your lover dance with the bride, a middle-aged man had approached you and Tommy. He was dressed well, but not in uniform. He looked loosely bemused as he offered you a drink. You gave a shy smile but politely declined. "You don't drink?" He inquired. His eyebrow lifting in question. He didn't look kind, but he also didn't look mean.

"Not particularly, I'm sorry" you said softly. Pulling Tommy closer to you subconsciously. You were unsure of the man as he took Technoblade's chair ever so casually.

"Oh your alright, give it time. You'll take up drinking" he said too casually, leaning into the chair. You blinked a bit, taken back by his words.

"I... I beg your pardon?" You asked, wanting to clarify what you herd. He looked at you and raised a semi bushy brow.

"You'll take up drinking. As long as your with that man there" He pointed to Techno "I bet you'll become an alcoholic even." His eyebrow quirked as a devious smirk formed. His eyes were lingering Technoblade, who unbeknownst to you, had a not so happy look when seeing you and the man. "Or I bet you'll mysteriously go missing, or die" your eyes glanced about, now looking for a familiar face. The longer this man was with you, the more uncomfortable you grew with his presence.

"I.. I’m doubtful that will happen.. Technoblade is a kind man to me..." you said carefully, your eyes flickering to the man well you held Tommy close. Protective of him from the rather rude man In front of you.

The mans eyes lingered to Tommy and back to you. "We'll see..." he dropped that conversation for a new one. "Where are my manners, my name is Leon Schmidt." He held his hand out for you. Adjusting Tommy you offered your hand and shook his. To your surprise your hand was stronger than his. His hands were not worn and worked with trade, but instead soft, and made for pens and books. With this small note you felt a slight surge of confidence.

"Nice to meet you... I'm (y/n)-" he cut you off quickly.

You felt a warm hand rest on your shoulder. The hardened tone of the person ran through. Technoblade. "Schmidt." You could see Leon's Adams apple bob slightly as techno addressed him. "I see you have met (y/n)" Techno's tone wasn't kind, rather harsh to be frank.

"Oh I know who you are. Your very popular among us court members." He said taking his hand back, almost looking as if he wiped it. He took his drink in his hand and took the one he brought you. "As a sign of friendship and with the hopes the Emperor takes care of you. Lets drink to your health." He offered the drink again. You took it but you were hesitant. You didn't want to drink, but what would happen if you declined? He held his glass out for a toast. You glanced your glass to his and slowly toasted. You looked down to the glass and thought back. You didn't want to disappoint Techno, and have the court pressure him about you. The liquid was rolling with pearlescent Yellow's, orange's and red's. With a glance to Techno you carefully took a sip. Setting it aside after. Having no desire to drink more. You felt the liquid drop down your throat, a slow buildup of warmth filling your body.

Alcohol.

"That I have... How long until this one ends up bored, or dead, Blood God?" You glanced up to Techno and saw his Jaw lock.

"For your information, Leon... I intend to marry (y/n)..." his hand held firm but kind on your shoulder. Acting almost like a protector of Tommy and you. Your face went red, your heart beating much faster. He Intended to marry you? Well Tommy played with the beads of your dress, your mind raced at the idea of you and him being a official couple. Would you have a wedding like this? Would he actually want that?

"Marriage? With her?" The man chocked out a loud laugh. This left Techno seething. However, Techno's attention was drawn from Leon's boisterous laugh to you instead. You weren't acting normal. With your hand subconsciously your throat you loosely rubbed. Your breathing began to turn ragged and strained slowly. With a slight blue tinge to your lips Technoblade knew something was horribly wrong.

"What did you put in her drink." At his his tone was nothing but sharp and demanding. Harshly taking your glass to smell it. With nothing sticking out to the hybrids senses, he set the glass down.

Well Leon's laughs died down, he no longer found amusement at Techno's cruel tone. Techno took Tommy off your lap, taking your hand in his. The clammy feeling of your hands and your rapid heart rate was enough to tell him the problem.

Your body was going into shock.

When you came around the sun was already up. You were in your own bed well Tommy was curled up beside you, peacefully asleep with his teddy bear in arms. You let your head roll as your eyes scanned the room, falling to Technoblade in the end. His back was to you well he faced out the window, you could tell he was deep in thought. He was no longer in his formal attire. Instead he was in casual wear, his hair was in a messy bun, showing whatever he was doing demanded his full attention.

"Te..chno?.." your voice was ragged but he clearly herd it, turning to face you his eyes softened fast.

"(y/n)..." he quickly walked over and sat beside you on the bed. His hand moved your hair back before he placed a soft kiss to your forehead, happy to see you awake once more. "How do you feel?" His eyes were worried, but gentle.

"I... think ok?" You asked uncertain. Your body felt tired, but also well rested. You were looking up at him, your eyes dancing between his for how he felt.

"Do you remember what happened?" His tone was soft and gentle. Rather if that was because of Tommy asleep by you, or because you had gave him a scare, you wouldn't know.

"I remember... a man, Tommy, and you... then my throat felt weird..." he nodded slowly and cupped your cheek gently.

"You had a Reaction to your drink... Did you know you are allergic to Blaze powder?..." you nodded slowly. When you lived within your village, your mother found out about the allergy when she gave you a strength potion. Well she intended it to be helpful, instead it was harmful. He tossed a few thoughts around within his head before nodding. "That drink you had with Leon yesterday had Blaze Powder... Your body went into shock love..."

You thought back about last night and realized. the pearlescent. Then it hit you. The wedding. Your heart sank slowly, you still had wanted a dance with Techno before the night ended. "Wha... I... I'm sorry..." You said slowly, trying to sit up. He shook his head and rested his forehead on yours, easing you back down.

"You have nothing to be sorry for... Were just reassured your ok..." you nodded, with a little lingering silence you couldn't help but wrap your arms around him in a tight hug. He didn't hesitate to wrap his own arms around you. Keeping you close to his body.

"We didn't even get to dance together..." your voice was soft and saddened, almost like a child that was scolded. You slowly buried your head into his neck for comfort

"Is that what you wanted?..." you nodded slowly. Taking in his lingering cologne from the night before. He slowly pulled away and moved you. Scooping you up into his arm like you were a bride. You were unsure at first, but wrapped your arms around his neck. Your head resting on his chest. With a slow rocking motion he started to sway with you in his arms. Although you couldn't have a dance with him at the wedding, you actually preferred this. You felt safe and at ease within his arms. "You know I love you..." his voice was soft. Loving. He meant what he was saying.

"I love you too Techno... With all of my heart..." as if those few words meant the world, techno shed a silent tear. You gave him a serious scare last night. He was glad you couldn't remember past your throat hurting either. He knew the things he said to Leon would have stuck with you a bit. Resting his head on yours, he swore from this day on, he would never let something like that happen again.

It didn't take long for Sarah and Leon to come back around to the forge. Sarah came first of course. Techno had advised you keep easy on yourself for the day, so that's what you planned. Well you were at your work bench tending to the jewels of Phil's sword, she had wondered in. Mostly she was just worried about your health and whether you were ok. Curiously she inquired if your throat was doing better, and what had caused the reaction. The last she saw of you was when you were in techno's arms, being carried out well you struggled to breathe. Of course you reassured her that you were now fine and just taking the day easy. with a hesitant nod she parted from the forge, seeking her men out for a final training before the Honeymoon.

When Leon came in that was a different story, unlike the night before he was quiet. His sharp features were now accompanied by a bruise on his cheek. You couldn't recall if he had that yesterday, so you quietly pushed the thought aside. With him in the room it was awkward, although he did try and strike a conversation.

“Is your throat doing better?” You hummed, nodding. keeping to yourself to your bench, not wanting to be any closer to him then you had to be. You chewed your lip. your eyes glancing to his cheek. His eyes much have picked up on it because he had another remark to fallow. “You best watch yourself around that Blood God, girl.” You furrowed your brow at his words. You herd him mention that name last night when he was talking about Techno, but you paid it no mind.

“Blood God?” you asked quietly, almost uncertain.

“Yeah your Lover boy or whatever.” He said scornfully. Technoblade a ‘Blood God’? Whatever he was talking about didn't make sense. Leon must have knew because he have a rouged chuckle. “Ask him about that name. Ask him why his sword hangs heavy with Blood. Just wait. You think he’s all sunshine and shit now- But you wait girl, you wait until you piss him off, and he’s two steps away from snapping your neck-” his little rant didn't last long as he was cut off. Technoblade who towered at the door, stood tall and proud as his face was locked into disgust. His voice dripping with venom for the man.

“I hope your not talking about me, Schmidt.”

@justthatfangirloverthere @itscaity-c @goldensunshineshit @snobunns @olyink @lolitsellieletsgobro @jackalopedoodles @angelic-scent @coolleviauchihadreamerlove @artsimatsu @justabalroginthenet @seme1e @fangirl570 @sweeetteaa @awlawdtheycoming @idkwhatusernametohave @sugarandspicebutnonice @bambibunz @lynn-draws-blog @buzzybeebee @feathersthewinged @prefesro @astroninaaa @ravennightingaleandavatempus @lifestylesleep @straydog265 @happygalaxymilkshake @vixenfoxpup @truthdaze @alovestruck-fool @luluwinchester @thegeekisheere @ivurie-xo @chxrrymilkshake

#TE #technoblade x reader #technoblade x you #techno x reader #techno x you

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purekesseltrash · 4 years ago

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My Fic List

Whelp, decided I should do one of these. I have mostly written for Hockey RPF and BNHA, as you have likely already seen!

My BNHA Fics

Bury Them Deep

- “Shouji Mezou's entire life has revolved around being a goalie and playing hockey since he was five years old. After being drafted in the third round in the NHL, Shouji has two more years of college before moving on to playing professional hockey like he's always wanted. Or at least like he always thought he wanted. An injury that ends his season throws him into a tailspin, forcing him to take a look at his life and how he is going to live it, especially after meeting his fascinating new goth history tutor.”

(This bad bitch is 81k total and is chock full of my red hot hockey takes and midwestern references. I love it very much and it is a sweet baby.)

The Rooftop Necromancy series AKA my black metal band AU:

Downhill from Here

- “ Hizashi just wants to tour the country with his best friends with their metal band in their shitty van like they've been planning for years. He'd successfully hidden his crush on one of them for years, after all, he would definitely be able to make this work and keep things fun and uncomplicated. Until Aizawa decided to start acting weird. “

(In which I take you all on a nostalgic trip to 2006-2008 metal culture and you can see the black metal love song that my dumb ass wrote.)

The Perfect Mistake

- “ It wasn't as though Hizashi had planned on breaking up with his boyfriend while they were on tour in a tiny cargo van with no room and no peace. He would have much rather preferred to do it when they were home and he could easily go and crawl back into his mom's basement. But he didn't have a choice. “

(As relationships tend to do, theirs goes through problems.)

Rooftop Necromancy

-"He’d even ended up leaning into the crowd when someone’s elbow had connected solidly with his nose and thrown him back. They’d gone quiet as Hizashi got himself up to his feet, ripped off his now bloody ‘Within Temptations’ tshirt from 2004, whipped his hair back from his face and screamed, “That’s what I’m FUCKING talking about.” into the mic.

They went wild for it, cheering as blood ran down his nose, past his mouth and dripped onto the stage, leaving him feeling like an otherworldly monster performing an occult ritual. Metal, he thought dazedly to himself, why in the fuck had he ever stopped doing metal."

(I hyperfocused so hard at the idea of Mic as a metal head that I wrote this in seven straight hours and WROTE THROUGH THE ATTEMPTED COUP ON DEMOCRACY WITHOUT KNOWING IT. It’s a bit rough, but it’s got some good parts and it spawned the whole damn series.)

Hands Up

- "But of course he had, they had always been able to read each other and what they meant. That had often been their problem, if he was going to be honest."

(In which they figure their shit out. Basically it was written when I was thinking alot about how my own mental health had evolved through the years. It’s basically the story of two people who are both very good for each other and also very bad and how they deal with that. It’s probably the most personally meaningful thing I’ve ever written.)

The other BNHA fics:

Waking Up With Ghosts

-"Hizashi opened his eyes to a world that belonged to ghosts. His headphones were gone and the gray, grimy world that he felt more than saw was muffled and still. This was bad, he hazily thought."

In which we follow Hizashi shortly after the events of 296. How he's found, how he finds out and how he has to tell.”

(I fished this one out of the garbage of my Google Docs because I’d written most of it and forgotten about it. I dragged it out, prettied it up a little and threw it up on AO3. It is by far my most well read BNHA fic, go figure.)

Leave Her Johnny

-”Captain Hizashi Yamada has combed the Seven Seas looking for the elusive smuggler Eraserhead. He has spent years searching for him, tracking his movements and trying to anticipate where he would be next. But he had never considered what would happen when he finally found him. “

(I wrote a paragraph of this and was immediately like ‘I MUST CREATE THIS’. I take some chances writing wise in this as the whole thing is done in a Victorian Era ish style of writing. But I think it’s effective and the ending is likely one of the best that I’ve ever managed. I’m proud of it.)

Gold Rush

-”"That earned him a laugh and Mashirao’s smile made something in his chest ache, something that made him want to hurt. Why had he ever left?

“I’m really not,” Mashirao was saying but Shinsou just shook his head and kissed him once, twice and wished he could take the sunny afternoon and make it stay forever. Make it stay forever like Mashirao somehow had, while the neighborhood had adjusted without Hitoshi’s permission.

“You are,” he said, “And I love it.”

I love you, he should have said. But as Mashirao’s eyes softened and the blonde pushed him back against the bed, Hitoshi knew he didn’t need to say it."

(You know how sometimes you listen to a Death Cab for Cutie song about gentrification over and over until a fic comes out? Because that’s basically what happened here.)

Black Sun

‘"But then he remembered the way that Shouji had eaten the night after, one hand curled into his hair as he hung back in the corner. Shouji hid when something was wrong, like a wounded cat trying to find a dark place to either live or die and he was being released tomorrow. Now was the time to push or he’d find Shouji right back on his bed, staring at nothing."

Something happened to Shouji on the beach. Tokoyami is sure of it.‘

(Aaaaaand Death Cab for Cutie strikes again. But heyo, my first published ShouToko and it is SOFTTTTT)

In the Far and Mighty West

Mic came closer and despite himself, Shouta could not find it in him to feel afraid. “You won’t understand, not really. I’ll try, though. I’m like Pecos Bill or Paul Bunyan or a jackalope or that fish that your friend caught that he swears he brought in but that you’ve never seen proof of. I’m the herd of dogies moving sweet and steady in the right direction, I’m no stragglers to worry about, I’m that perfect dog that’s there to keep them in line. I’m that group of good friends that you would kill for, I’m the woman who you’re dying to come home to, I’m that promised home of milk and honey. I’m Mic.”

Shouta stared at him dazedly and licked his lips, feeling drunk and stupid as he stared at the man. “You’re… magic?”

“I suppose you could call me that.”

(Cowboy!Erasermic. Inspired heavily by American Gods and my own love of folk heroes.)

In Your Violence

- “'Mezou frowned, eyes narrowing. “Are you trying to say that you’re scared that I’ll be killed by having faith in you?”

“It would be in your best interest to stay away from me,” Fumikage finally said, his voice falling flat and quiet. “I am destined to be a monster.”

'Mezou gets the call he fears, the one that says that Fumikage has lost control again. But this time it's different, in more ways than one.”

(I listened to Silence by Marshmello until I went insane in this is the result. Featuring some of my super depressing headcanons about Shouji! But it’s not awful.)

My hockey fics that I still like:

Hufflepuff Halfwit

- ““Zhenya, the wind is coming from the west, I will not remind you again. You shut that window before the house stinks of factories!” She snapped and Geno stared at the owl as though maybe it would know what to do. But instead, it had given a little hoot and wiggled inside, only to drop it’s letter on the counter.

He turned his head very slowly back to look at his mother, who had suddenly gone very quiet. “It… just showed up, Mama. And um. It brought a letter.” He waited again, looked back at the owl who had begun to nose at the pirozhkis in interest and then looked back at his mother with the best puppy dog eyes he had ever attempted. “Can I keep it?”

(This is a part of my hockey/Harry Potter au that still legitimately haunts my dreams. It’s basically a Sid/Geno in Hogwarts but I really love the world building I got to do with Koldovstoretz, the Russian school of wizardry. Don’t read ‘On the Word of a Slytherin’ though, I’m not as proud of that one.)

The Prince

- “What the fuck.” Matt breathed out, sitting back heavily onto his hotel bed as he stared at his phone.

‘This is Henrik.’ The text read. ‘I would like to meet you. I will book a room in Pittsburgh at your convenience. Let me know what time will work for you.’ -

(Listen, it’s Henrik Lundqvist/Matt Murray smut, I feel like that is novel and interesting and worth your attention. I wax poetic on goalies in this, as you do.)

The Zoo of Toronto

- “No one missed it when a massive porcupine had shuffled in between the reporters with a single minded focus, pushing media away until it was able to grip onto Phil’s suit pants and try to pull itself up. He hadn’t been able to do more then besides pick the animal up before it could shred his pants to shreds and walk out of the locker room before the decision had been made with the Toronto media.

Phil Kessel was guilty.”

(Not gonna lie, this is probably my favorite of the hockey fics I’ve written. And it’s Phil/Carl, which is never found anymore but it was a good pairing.)

#my writing

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breathlester · 4 years ago

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Life has a hopeful undertone (and I'll be holding on to you)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

summary: au in which Dan and Phil are struggling not to drown in unpaid bills, but somehow they're making it work. Or: Dan has an anxious breakdown and Phil comforts him.

genre/themes: angst, angst with a happy ending, emotional hurt/comfort, mental health issues

content warnings: anxiety, mentions of past self-harm, depression, mentions of homophobia, mentions of homelessness

(this was written years before dan talked about his mental health and his childhood, so it really isn’t trying to be accurate to that - it’s an au! please also be aware that this isn’t necessarily a healthy relationship and a partner can never replace a professional therapist.)

“Seek assistance.”

Dan curses and takes a deep breath before he swipes his card past the scanner again. The annoying error sound buzzes through the air once more, piercing the busy chatter of the rush hour, and a woman behind him sighs loudly.

“Seek assistance,” the screen taunts Dan in bright red letters and he can already feel tears prickling at the back of his eyeballs.

No.

He swallows hard and tears his gaze away from the card reader, blinking violently.

There’s a man in uniform trying to catch his eye but Dan bites down on his bottom lip and turns away quickly, shoving past the people queued up behind him. He doesn’t need to seek assistance from staff to be told that his oyster card needs recharging. His bloody wallet needs recharging.

Dan ignores the loud complaints of people around him as he busts through the crowd recklessly. Just out, out. Out of the stuffy tube station and into the clear air.

Except the air isn’t all that clear, because London at 5 pm is bustling with hasty people and honking cars and thick with the stink of noxious fumes. The sky above is thick with heavy grey clouds, and Dan’s head is thick with a fog of noxious thoughts.

He tries to replace them with positive ones. So what if he can’t take the tube. It’s probably chock-full anyway. Besides, a walk home is supposed to be good to clear your head, right? Get some fresh air, catch some sunlight…

A young girl passing him gives him a weird look when he laughs out loud at his thoughts, bitterly. He pulls the hood of his jacket over his head and shoves his fists into the pockets as it starts to rain, and wishes for the millionth time for enough money to buy an iPod so he could at least drown out the world.

By the time Dan arrives at his flat the sun has been smothered by a clusterfuck of clouds and his hoodie is clinging to his skin. He’s soaked to the bone, teeth chattering as he jams the key into the lock, struggling with the door for a bit because his hands are shaking so much. It’s only September, it’s not supposed to be this cold.

The heating isn’t even on yet.

Finally, the door falls shut behind him and Dan leans back against it, allowing himself to close his eyes and breathe for a moment.

All he wants is to crawl into bed and have Phil whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

But his boyfriend won’t be home for at least another hour.

The tears are threatening to spill again, but Dan holds them back with all his might, because once he starts crying he won’t be able to stop anytime soon and then he’ll end up with a migraine and have to call in sick and he can’t fucking afford a sick day right now.

So he picks himself up and strips off the hoodie to throw it to the laundry. He mops up the puddle he made on the hallway floor and raids the cupboards for instant coffee and Phil’s emergency ration of chocolate, then he builds a fort on the sagging sofa with his threadbare duvet. Focusing on trivial domestic work, ignoring the dark, menacing world.

Thunder is rumbling outside and Dan ignores it, just as he ignores the creaks of the sofa beneath his weight and the blister on his tongue from the too-hot coffee. He’s okay.

He’s okay.

The tv suddenly goes blank during a particularly loud roll of thunder and Dan sits upright, his hand clenched around the mug although the sloshing coffee burns his skin.

“I’m not afraid,” he says out loud to the black screen that is staring back at him deridingly. Dan sets down the empty mug and licks the coffee off his hand.

“It’s just masses of air colliding”, he tries again, remembering what Phil, writer of the weather forecast for a news website, has told him.

“Nimbus, the rain cloud”, he recites. “Cumulonimbus, the storm cloud -” His voice cracks midway and he bites down on his lip again, tasting blood.

There’s a noise from the hallway and Dan jumps.

The scratching of a key being turned in the lock sounds eerie in the quiet between thunder rolls. His heart raps against his throat as he pulls out his phone and glances at the screen.

It’s not time for Phil to be back yet.

“Dan?”

The relief he feels sparking up at the sound of Phil’s voice is immediately flooded by doubt and sorrow. They swirl and fill up his chest, building tidal waves that knock hard against his ribcage, threatening to take his breath.

He scrambles to his feet and out into the hall where Phil is shaking out his umbrella with dry clothes and reddened cheeks and shining eyes.

The straps that have been holding Dan together snap.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Phil, I just mopped here!”

Phil flinches and his eyes widen. He puts the umbrella down. “I’ll wipe it up, okay?”

“No, it’s not fucking okay!”

Now he’s heaving breaths, feeling like he’s drowning, and he didn’t want to let this happen, fucking hell, no, he can’t let the dam break…

Through clouded eyes, he sees Phil reaching for his hand and pulls away. The words tumble off his tongue and he’s too tired to try and stop them.

“You can’t just come in here and act like things are okay when they fucking aren’t! You’ve been fired, haven’t you? Why else would you be home early? Don’t fucking lie to me – we’ve got to pay our bills, Phil, the rent is due next week and you haven’t even… you haven’t even said anything, why aren’t you saying anything, Phil, I -”

He’s cut off by a hiccup and warm hands cupping his cheeks. His half-hearted reluctance is ignored. A mouth presses against his own and suffocates the angry rant.

He breaks away and continues, softer now, worry and fear lacing through his words, tearing through the mask of ire.

“What are we going to do… Phil, if you’ve lost your job that means our income is less than half, I don’t know how -”

Phil presses a finger against his lips. “Dan, I haven’t.”

“You haven’t – what?”

“I haven’t been fired.”

Dan exhales shakily, his fingers grasping bunches of Phil’s jumper without even noticing. He doesn’t understand.

“But then – why are you -”

“Home early?”

Phil’s eyes light up and he smiles, his face so close Dan can count the laughter lines in the corners of his eyes.

There’s still a hint of worry in the creases, but it doesn’t gain the upper hand over his excitement. Phil never lets it.

“I’ve been promoted.”

Dan stares at him, dumbfounded. The silence is disturbed by another hiccup.

“They’re letting me write my own column”, Phil explains. “I can work from here mostly and the pay’s a lot better, too.”

Dan kisses him, and his hiccups turn into sobs against Phil’s lips, and he’s clutching the fabric of Phil’s jumper as if it were a lifeline.

What he wants to say is, “I’m so proud of you”, because really, he is, and Phil deserves the reward because he’s such a good writer and he’s so fucking clever and hardworking and Dan loves him so much, but all that comes spurting out is, “Oh god. Oh thank god. Oh Phil, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay”, Phil mutters against his mouth, but Dan pulls away from the kiss and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry I shouted at you. I’ve been missing you all afternoon and I’ve had the shittiest day and then you’re home and all I do is rant for no reason, I’m sorry.”

His breath is hitching and he’s sniffling but Phil, wonderful, selfless Phil, holds his arms open and says, “C'mere.”

Dan sinks into them and allows the waves to crash.

The power’s been cut off but the water in the shower runs hot and steady. Outside, the storm has eased into heavy rain that patters against their windows, providing a soothing background noise.

Dan is stood with his back to Phil whose fingers are threading languidly through his hair. He feels 19 all over again, when the older university student had picked him up off the streets, a scrawny teen with filthy hair and self-harm scars and no home to return to.

The sweetish scent of cheap shampoo fills up his nostrils and he sighs at the feeling of Phil’s fingertips gently massaging his scalp. He can feel the tension resolving, headache slowly retreating, reluctant to admit its defeat. Phil’s always been Dan’s most effective painkiller.

“Lean forward.”

Water washes the shampoo out of his thick curls and Phil’s hands venture downwards. Dan flinches when he feels them briefly skimming his neck.

“Hold still, I’m trying to work out the knots,” Phil murmurs behind him, fingers digging into Dan’s shoulders.

He tries to measure his breaths, sync them with Phil’s. Maybe they can work out the knots in their life as well.

When Phil’s hands run down his back and come to rest on his hips, Dan leans back into him, lets his head sink onto his shoulder and the water stream wash away the tear stains on his face. The bathroom air is misty and damp and there’s most likely a moudly spot in the corner of the shower cubicle, but Dan inhales it like it’s salutary, because it’s home, it’s comfort.

Just like Phil’s arms that sneak around his waist, holding him tight.

“Let’s take tomorrow off”, he whispers, barely audible through the sound of rushing water. “Just stay in bed.”

Dan presses his head into Phil’s neck. “You know we can’t. They’ll fire us.”

Gently, Phil turns him around and makes him lean back against the shower wall, ducking to mouth against Dan’s neck.

“We could always run away,” he mutters, his breath tickling Dan’s skin. “Leave this city behind, you and me alone.”

Dan closes his eyes, relishing in the feeling of Phil’s body moving softly against his, but blinks before the dream can take shape.

“With what money? We’d end up on the street again and freeze to death when it gets cold.”

As if to confirm his words, the water turns cold and they clamber out of the shower and straight into bed. Shared body warmth makes up for the lack of heating as they huddle close together underneath the duvet.

Phil’s eyes blink at him, blue and honest in the dimness.

“Dan, I’m sorry we can’t afford a better living. I promise you I’ll do my best with the column, I’m going to work on it day and night -”

Dan presses his index finger against Phil’s lips. “Don’t apologize, Phil. I already owe you so much.”

He moves closer, replacing the finger with his mouth. Their lips slot together slow and sweet, and everything feels just that slight bit less frightening when Phil’s body is pressed to his, the heaving and sinking of his bare chest a calming parameter in Dan’s shaking, swirling world.

“That shower is going to be evident in our next water bill,” he mumbles as they part for breath.

Phil yawns. “It’s on me.”

He reaches out to pull Dan into his chest, but Dan resists. “I don’t want you to pay for everything, Phil, it’s not fair. I’ll have to find a better job soon.”

It’s not like he loves stacking boxes at Tesco.

“Sometimes I think my father was right, y'know,” he says haltingly. “If I’d gone into law, we wouldn’t be struggling to pay the rent now.”

Fingers tilt his chin upwards. Phil’s brow is furrowed.

“Dan, stop. You know I don’t care if you pay less than half. You’ve made it up to me just by being there. I love you. And don’t even start like that – if you’d become a lawyer just because your father wanted you to, it never would’ve made you happy.”

What he doesn’t say is that they wouldn’t even have met if Dan had complied with his father’s wishes. Dan knows Phil is secretly glad everything went the way it did. He also knows that Phil would never admit to this.

His boyfriend’s voice softens and his hand moves to cup Dan’s cheek.

“I just want you to be happy, okay? Who cares what he wanted. Apparently he also wanted a straight son, and look how that worked out.”

Dan cracks a tiny smile. He wishes he could laugh at Phil’s words, but the thought of his father still leaves a bitter taste behind, a reminder of the nagging wound in his heart that has only started to fade in the past years. Some things aren’t easily forgotten, and one of them certainly is being told that you’re an abomination. Even if the words are taken back afterwards. Because afterwards is too late.

Phil shifts to press his forehead against Dan’s. He’s so close Dan can feel his breath on his face, and the flutter of his eyelids.

He knows Phil’s right, knows that he shouldn’t care, shouldn’t still be clinging to the idea that he had to please his father somehow, to make him proud.

And yet…

“I don’t want to disappoint you”, he breathes, blinking fresh tears away. He wants to make Phil proud, to make him happy, because it’s always Dan who spills his guts and Phil who listens and holds him, and he feels so incredibly selfish.

“You couldn’t”, Phil whispers, leaning in for another kiss, and Dan wants to believe him, but it’s not easy.

It’s never been and maybe it’ll never be.

“You don’t have to try so hard, Dan”, Phil mutters against his lips. “You’re only twenty-four. You’ve got all the time in the world to find out what you want to do. I know we don’t have the means right now, but I firmly believe that one day we will and then you can still go to uni if you want to, get a degree, and we’ll move into a beautiful old house on the countryside and have a dog or two, or five.”

Dan chuckles under tears and wraps his arms around Phil’s neck, kissing him hard, clinging to him as if for dear life. And in many ways, that’s true. Phil’s been there for him when no one else was, has helped him up onto his feet again, cared for and comforted him countless times, and Dan would be mad not to hold on to him. In Dan’s darkest days, Phil is like a ray of sunlight, so full of wisdom and courage and hope. And in all honesty, Dan doesn’t need a lot of money or a nice house if only he gets to keep Phil by his side.

Dan’s never been one for faith, but if there’s one thing he believes in it’s them. He knows that he loves Phil.

And if they’re lucky, that might just be enough to hold things together.

*** this used to be on my ao3 page (softiejace). i’m taking my phan content down from the for personal reasons but reposting it here so people can still enjoy it :) ***

#phanfic #my fic #softiejace #phan fic #phan

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tamboradventure · 5 years ago

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7 Ways to Scratch the Travel Itch Without Traveling

Updated: 3/17/2020 | March 17th, 2020

Once at a reader reader meetup, a fellow traveler approached me. He had just returned from an overland drive from New York City to Patagonia.

After I peppered him with questions about his trip (I mean really, how cool does that trip sound?), he asked me one:

“How do you deal with coming home, staying in the travel mindset, and keeping the lessons you learned alive?”

It’s a great question and it touches on something a lot of travelers get blindsided by: the post-travel blues.

Post-trip depression is something many long-term travelers struggle with.

Coming home is often harder than leaving (or adjusting to life abroad) because it’s so anti-climactic.

Before your trip, there is this massive buildup of emotions, preparation, and excitement. You’ve been planning a trip for months, imagining yourself in foreign lands, meeting interesting people, and going on an adventure.

You’re moving toward a goal. You’re excited. A bright future of possibility lies before you.

But then you come home after months (or years) abroad and it’s suddenly “now what?”

There’s no more buildup.

Just a complete stop.

You don’t come back with a bang; you come back with a whimper. Your friends are only kind of interested in your trip, but soon their eyes glaze over at your travel tales. Before you know it, you fall back into your old routine and it’s as this trip never happened.

So what can you do to recreate that sense of travel when you get back home?

And, given the times we live in, what do you do when you are quarantined because of Coronavirus, flights are grounded, and the travel industry has come to a halt?

How can you keep that sense of adventure alive while you are home (literally in your home and generally in your community)?

Well, here are 7 ways to bring the world to you when you can’t go to it:

1. Read Travel Books

The easiest thing you can to bring the world to you is to visit it through a book. Read about people’s adventures and stay inspired as you dream about all the places you’ll go in the future. Get new ideas, learn about other cultures, satiate your wanderlust, and grow your “to visit” list.

Let your mind travel when your body can’t.

Here’s a list of some travel books to get you started:

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

Wild, by Cheryl Strayed

The Beach, by Alex Garland

In a Sunburned Country, by Bill Bryson

Turn Right at Machu Picchu, by Mark Adams

Ten Years a Nomad, by me! (Which you should deflintely get because it’s the best and supporting the team and I during these times would mean a lot!)

For more suggestions, here’s a larger list of my favorite travel books.

And here’s a list of 13 non-travel books that changed my life (because if this quarantine lasts for awhile, you might want to read some other genres too!).

Additionally, if you want regular book suggestions, we have a travel book club where, once a month, I send a list of some of my recent reads.

2. Watch Travel Movies

From far-fetched classics like Indiana Jones to biopics like Wild to documentaries like A Map for Staurday, travel movies are another great way to satiate your wanderlust. Here are a few of my favorites:

Lost in Translation

Up in the Air

The Beach

Midnight in Paris

The Way

For more, here’s a full list of the best travel movies out there.

And, if you want some TV or Netflix suggestions, here are a few shows worth binging:

Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain

An Idiot Abroad

Departures

The Long Way Round

The Amazing Race

Dark Tourist

Someone Feed Phil

Ugly Delicious

3. Start Planning Your Next Trip

Eventually, the current situation with the Coronavirus will pass and we’ll be able to travel again. So, while you are at home with lots of time on your hands, start planning your summer or fall trip. After all, we’re all gonna really need to get outside once this crisis is over! Trip planning will keep you busy and help make the days and weeks fly by.

First, buy a guidebook. I love getting lost in guidebooks and plotting itineraries and dreaming of the sights I’ll see. They’ll help you get the lay of the land, outline your budget, and give you an introduction to the destination. We have 7 in-depth budget travel guidebooks to some of my favorite destinations around the world, including:

Paris

Iceland

Amsterdam

Bangkok

Europe

New York City

Thailand

They’re the product over over ten years of backpacking the world and are chock full of insider tips, budget suggestions, itineraries and much, much more!

For other destinations, I suggest using Lonely Planet guidebooks. They’re my go-to company whenever I’m planning a new trip. They have the widest selection of destinations out there. You can check out their selection here and pick one up for your next trip! (Amazon is delivering so you don’t need to leave your house to get one!)

Next, check out this comprehensive step-by-step guide to planning a trip. It will walk you through all my best tips on planning a trip so you can be ready to go the second we’re allowed to travel again.

Being at home can lead to a lot of boredom but I’ve always found trip planning – even for places I never end up going – a great mental escape that helps me pass the time and occupy my mind.

4. Start Travel Hacking

While you’re waiting for your next trip, sign up for a new travel credit card so you can earn points and miles for free flights and hotel stays. This is how I travel so often without spending a ton of money. Accommodation and flights are two of the biggest expenses you’ll have so being able to reduce that to near zero ensure you’ll be able to travel a lot more!

Here are some posts to help you learn more and get started today (because the sooner you start the sooner you can earn a free trip!)

How I Earn 1 Million Frequent Flier Miles Each Year

Is Travel Hacking Really a Scam?

The Ultimate Guide to Travel Hacking

The 6 Best Travel Credit Cards for 2020

5. Join Online Communities

A wonderful way to connect with other travelers and keep the spirit of travel alive is to join an online community. There are a lot out there these days (including the one we started a few months back). Being at home can be isolating and, as you dream and plan future trips, connect with other travelers. Share trips, advice, stories, and keep your spirits high!

Here are a few of the best online communities you can join today:

The Nomadic Network (This is our travel community)

Lonely Planet’s Thorn Tree

Girls Love Travel (women only)

Reddit’s Travel and Shoestring subreddits (for general travel and budget travel respectively)

Couchsurfing (they have groups and destination-specific forums)

6. Read Travel Blogs

Whether you’re planning a trip or just looking for something to read, travel blogs have a wealth of on-the-ground information, insider tips, and stories that can give you a lot of helpful advice and suggestions for your next trip.

Not only that but, as the travel industry grinds to a halt during this pandemic, reading blogs helps you support those of us who rely on advertising as part of our income. So, not only will you be getting lots of information but you’ll help keep bloggers from going under. Win-win!

Here are some suggested blogs to read:

Uncornered Market (sustainable travel)

View from the Wing (travel hacking, airline news)

Wandering Earl (adventurous budget travel)

The Blonde Abroad (travel and lifetsyle)

Neverending Footsteps (travel and anxiety)

Be My Travel Muse (solo female travel)

For even more awesome websites worth reading, here’s a list of my favorite travel blogs.

And since we’re also struggling traffic-wise, here are some of our most popular posts in case you feel like browsing (thanks in advance!):

Why Travel Makes You Awesome

Everyone Says I’m Running Away

How to Realize You Dreams & Travel Anywhere You Want

The Ultimate Guide to Traveling When You Have No Money

Why It’s Never the Perfect Time to Travel

7. Meet Travelers Near You

(Note: At the moment, this tip does not apply due to the quarantine but, once it is lifted, this can be a way to meet people in your local area.)

Having a support network is vital. You need people who won’t think you’re weird when you tell them you want to hike across the Amazon. You need people to say “Can I join?”

That why we started The Nomadic Network. It’s an online and in-person meet-up group for travelers all around the world. We host regular events every month in cities across the globe (at least when this crisis is over. Sign-up, use our forum to chat with people virtually, and, when this all over, come meet up in person!

Some other great websites for meeting people in real-life are:

Meetup.com – There’s a group out there for everything. I use this site frequently.

Couchsurfing – Couchsurfing is more than a website that offers accommodation. It has lot of local groups that hold events all the time. It is a wonderful way to meet other travelers and locals – at home or on the road.

***

Coming home can be hard. We all need a community that supports and understands us. And, while we can’t meet that community in real life right now, there are many ways you can bring the world to you while you are at home.

Use these tips. Keep your travel spirits alive. Plan a future trip. The world will be waiting – and ready – for you when this is all over.

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines, because they search websites and airlines around the globe so you always know no stone is being left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation You can book your hostel with Hostelworld as they have the largest inventory. If you want to stay somewhere other than a hostel, use Booking.com, as they consistently return the cheapest rates for guesthouses and hotels. I use them all the time.

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it, as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

World Nomads (for everyone below 70)

Insure My Trip (for those 70 and over)

Looking for the best companies to save money with? Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all those I use — and they’ll save you time and money too!

Photo Credit: 7 – OuiShare

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