#Peebs rants

[pb-dot]

Film Friday: Bohemian Rhapsody

This week I want to try something a bit different. So far I've mostly written about movies I really like. Hidden gems, movies that are, if not 10/10s are for the most part good and clever and made by people who really care about making a good flick. Today, I'm going to talk about a movie that I don't like. I'm actually going so far as to say the movie pisses me off. I'm going to try to be fair and explain my reasoning because there are some interesting points as to why this thing sucks, and I don't want them to drown in the bile. So, let's talk about Bohemian Rhapsody.

For the uninitiated, Bohemian Rhapsody is the story of Freddy Mercury, lead vocalist in the British classic rock leviathan Queen. Born in Zanzibar and later immigrating to the UK, Mercury's truly stunning baritone tonal range and operatic songwriting sensibilities paired with his flamboyant and powerful stage presence made him and Queen an unstoppable force in the music scene up until his tragic death from AIDS in 1991.

Now, if you're thinking this is the kind of life story that the typical musician biopic yearns for if you could write a bit less of a bummer ending somehow, you'd be right. The screenwriter has solved this by climaxing the movie at the triumphant note of Queen's legendary Live Aid 1985 performance, where Freddy, by now aware of his HIV diagnosis, reunites with the band to pitch one for the angels and sing his heart out for a good cause.

So, to cover the good things first. The Live Aid recreation is some truly impressive stuff, best viewed on the biggest screen you can. The soundtrack is, of course, Banger City, although it's mostly the crowd-pleasing hits. Not a lot of Innuendo, Barcelona, or Brighton Rock on the soundtrack if you feel me, but I suppose there is something to be said for the mass appeal. I also like Rami Malek in the lead role. He plays Freddy with a vulnerability that feels very genuine, and although he doesn't quite reach the peaks of Stage God Grandure that ol' Freddy operated on, he does sell the simulacra reasonably well.

Now, onto the less good parts. Now when I say Freddy's story fits the musician biopic, that isn't necessarily strictly a compliment. The by now well-worn ruts of "Rise To Stardom but Oh No Being Famous Kinda Sucks And Is Bad For You Actually but You Get Together With The Band Again and Rock Out Because That Is The Most Important Thing" is the kind of thing even a causal watcher of the subgenre can dictate in their sleep. Being a bit formulaic isn't strictly wrong of course, but it does feel a bit disrespectful when applied to the life of an actual real person.

Of course, I say that, but for being a film about Freddy Mercury, Bohemian Rhapsody doesn't actually feel like that as much as it feels like a movie about the band members of Queen's perception of the guy. Now I say this in part because Freddy's interactions with the LGBTQ community (more on this later) feel a bit told from an outside perspective, as the filmmakers have chosen to tell this slice of the story as the poor lad's downward spiral. Freddy's in a bad place and he goes to gay clubs and truck stops and whatnot. Like, considering what ended up killing the man I can see where that came from, but it also feels like a flattening. Freddy didn't hang out in gay bars to die from aids, one assumes, and the fact that Freddy's soon-to-be shitbag ex looms in the background of several scenes dressed and lit like a villain on Star Trek does not help.

The reason why I say this really is "Freddy as understood by Queen" is because of what I have to assume is historical revisionism going on. Our protagonist does bicker with his bandmates, and he's late for rehearsal, and it does come up of course, but the rest of the band is just so goddamn reasonable. Yeah, he's a flake and he's out there partying all night with those scary gays (not that there's anything wrong with that) but y'know, he's Freddy, he's a bit of a tosser but he's a good lad. Nobody loses their temper with him, nobody says an ill word about this obviously spiraling man, and if anyone does bring anything up it is in the gentlest, most understanding tones you've ever heard. While that isn't bad in itself, it does feel highly suspicious, especially when you take into account that bar Freddy, all of Queen's original lineup is still alive and was, in fact, involved in producing the movie. Honestly, if they had owned this perspective a bit and made Freddy this Jesus Christ in Spartacus-esque figure, too large to be contained on film alone, that would be neat, but no, it's a tell-all story told by people who at the best have a fraction of the story.

This isn't the film's biggest sin in my eyes though, no, it isn't even the atrocious editing although yes it does break several core tenets of good editing for no discernable reason. No, the most atrocious thing this movie does in my opinion comes down to one particular scene in Act 2. Here, Freddy has a heart-to-heart with his long-time friend and, in the actual man's own words, "common-law wife," Mary Austin. In a moment of melancholy Freddy confesses to Mary that he is Bisexual, to which she responds "Freddie, you're gay" and in essence cuts the conversation and the relationship right there. Now this isn't outrageous in itself, people have assumed that bisexual men are just gays in disguise up until very recently. What is somewhat unforgivable though is that this statement, and Mary's followup on it is literally the last words on Mercury's sexuality.

Now, the exact thats and whiches of Mercury's sexuality are a bit murky to my understanding, so this could be an attempt at hedging their bets in that regard. That said it is just incredibly disrespectful to let someone else than the character in question have the last word on anyone's sexuality, fictional or not.

Now I can see what the filmmakers were going for here. "You're lying to yourself and me when you say that you love me (in a way that we both find meaningful)" can be a place where a relationship ends, and it's an appropriately grim one for the start of a downward spiral. That said, it's hard not to read this as "This FAIRY thinks he can trick us into thinking he's BISEXUAL but he's LYING because he's GAY and then he gets SAD and has DANGEROUS GAY SEX about it."

It's a whole mess of a scene, and even without all the other issues, it soured the entire experience for me. This wasn't the story of a musical genius with a complicated relationship with his own sexuality and the degree to which he was public with that sexuality in a time when that kind of openness was sought with destructive intent. This is the story of a musical genius whose understanding friends and bandmates love and support despite being a silly little gay. This is celebrating the works of a man despite the inner life he led that fueled those works, not because of it. I wouldn't call this movie explicitly hateful exactly, but it's so thoroughly saturated with what esteemed philosopher and playwright Abigail Thorn calls "yer da'-thinking" that it'd honestly be better if it just called Freddy a slur and got it over with.

To pull back from that frothingly rage-filled abyss for a second, it is perhaps too much to expect even a biopic to even-handedly handle its subject matter. After all, when making a movie about someone dead, all you have is whatever they left behind and the perspectives of the people who survived them. Adapting anything also requires some changes made, if nothing else because setting a start and an end to a story changes the story even as it creates it. That said, this isn't an excuse to remix historical events to your liking. Live Aid 1985 did not struggle until Queen turned the tide, it was a highly successful event in which a very famous band did one of the best rock performances of all time, to name one example.

So in short: I don't like Bohemian Rhapsody (2018) very much. The song is still a banger though.

[peebrainiac]

does anyone remember the skirt arc in the first twenty episodes of Jackson's Diary. I do. And I have feelings about it. Long rant incoming, I've held this in for a long time and I've never seen anyone talk about it.

I love the characters of Jackson’s Diary, they’re the reason I keep coming back, but you have to admit at the start they’re cliche. Maybe that's what Paola was going for, but the characters introduced later on aren’t any kind of cliche?? Jackson is the stock standard protag, Exer is the jock who bullies the protag for fuck all reasons, David is a twink, Ronald is the Russian One, Brenda is a popular girl, and Pamela is the goth chick. Side note, this takes place near the end of the cold war, I’m surprised no one thought Ron was a soviet spy.

These characters change later on, and by the end of season one and onwards they feel more like real people, but I’m left wondering why the beginning was so cartoonish.

Now the conflict, everyone and their mother hates the misunderstanding trope

misunderstanding plots are overdone and frustrating. Things like this happen in real life, sure, maybe if you're surrounded by idiots and have crazy bad luck. The main problem people have with misunderstanding plots is that the characters who’ve been friends for a long time suddenly turn on each other because they overheard something, and at least that doesn;t happen here. No one really likes each other yet. But yeah, this shit is so frustrating to read, I can’t imagine reading these as they came out and knowing the next episode would be the same song and dance.

Everyone feels. SO. DAMN. STUPID. Exer and David are actively making things worse and when the whole debacle is over Jackson blames HIMSELF?????? I get it, they think this guy is a pervert, but do they have to constantly talk over him? Why does no one let anyone communicate AND WHO WALKS AWAY WHEN SOMEONE IS TALKING TO YOU?? WHO DOES THAT?? WHAT THE FUCK BRENDA??

i get it stupid teenagers doing stupid things yada yada, this still just wasn't fun to read, man.

the thing I actually hate most about this arc is the fact that you could skip it almost in its entirety (except for the ron stuff because WHY WOULD YOU WANNA SKIP THAT) and it would not hinder your experience at all. This takes up almost ten episodes and FOR WHAT? You can’t even say it was so Jackson and Pamela have a meet cute because THAT IS NOT A MEET CUTE??? You're not cute, I’m getting second hand embarrassment JACKSON DON’T YELL AT YOUR HALLUCINATIONS IN PUBLIC YOU”RE GOING TO GET PUT IN A WARD, AND I KNOW THEY WERE SHITTY IN THE 80S.

TDLR: I just. I don’t know anymore man. This arc is a HARD read, I considered dropping it so many times because I wanted it to be over. On reread it becomes bearable, but maybe I’m just desensitized.

please remember people can criticize the media they like, I don't hate Jackson's Diary at all

This chain of events is a slog to get through, and with a few tweaks it could be written out of existence, and everything else could happen as it does in canon. This arc was probably thrown in to endear the audience to Jackson and see him as a little wet cat who’s the victim all the time, and it works. Because by the time Jackson snaps, it feels deserved. The thing is, other, worse things have happened in the time after the skirt accident and the time he snaps. So why is so much time spent on this?

Does this arc have any fans? Do I have to worry about getting swatted?

I could also rant about JD being detached from its 1980s identity and aesthetic but I'm not as angry about that.

[bifurcatedbeech]

I didn’t grow up in an abusive household and yet I did.

they say your brain protects you by forgetting and the way my father screamed at my stepmother tonight woke up long dormant memories that pushed me to grab a bag of stuff and my cat, and get the fuck away my any means possible.

i didn’t grow up in an abusive household but i kinda did i just wasn’t old enough to solidify it in my brain

[aromanticautiesworld]

finn x fem reader whos really into science, rambles on a bunch and finn actually listena to her which she hasnt seen anyone do and actually CARE about what shes saying and immediately starts crushing (they were og friends but it just made her heart flutter and it was a pretty sunset)

YES YES ABSOLUTELY love this <- fixated on astrophysics since he was six and is considering becoming one in the far future

////

finn with a fem reader who’s a science nerd

word count: 745

Finn called you over for repairs to their telescope not too long ago, something about a fight with the Ice King where he cracked the lense. The sun had already gone down, and the stars (now more visible after all the human’s pesky light pollution was gone) came out of their hiding spots along with the crescent moon.

You stopped the video game you were speeding through, the call being a necessary distraction to pull you out of what would otherwise be many hours straight of gameplay, and a significant lack of self-care.

You pack your bag with snacks, and (of course) books about astrophysics and astronomy (just in case the hangout became a sleepover, or you suddenly needed them. Things can get very chaotic very quickly with Finn), two of your favorite and very closely related sciences. Unlike him, you didn’t want to adventure for your whole life, you did eventually want to become an astrophysicist, maybe study with Peebs.

“Why do you even have a telescope if you never use it?” You say, looking down at the new lense you were trying to install.

“‘Cuz we need it to see any incoming baddies,” Finn waves his sword around, whacking imaginary enemies.

“What about, like. Using binoculars instead,”

“Telescope sees better,”

“Fair point, fair point,” You raise an eyebrow at him, “You do actually know what it’s for, right?”

Finn pauses to think. “I mean…you look at the stars. At least I think you do. I dunno why you’d look at them through that when you can see ‘em perfectly fine from here,”

“It’s cool, trust me! It’s to see them in more detail,”

Finn stares blankly at you.

“So, in space, there’s, like. a hundred billion things—things we can’t even see from here—and this telescope lets you look at all the stuff you can’t see and all the stuff you can see but better,”

Finn sheathes his sword, “I thought there was just the stars, planets and the moon in space?”

“Oh, well. Yeah, but there’s also asteroids, meteoroids, all those decayed satellites from before the mushroom war, supernovas—oh oh oh! Do you know what a supernova is? They’re so cool—they’re basically a big, big star that after becoming a red supergiant they implode in this huge burst of energy that lasts years—and at the end it either makes a neutron star, or a black hole. Black holes are actually super cool too, they don’t let anything out—not even light! Most black holes are smaller than Ooo but there are some massive ones at the center of every galaxy—which is a whole other thing—that could’ve been formed by being compressed at the center of giant stars back in the ancient universe. Also, they’re probably going to be the last thing in the universe but because of hawking radiation eventually they’ll fade away too, and…um…”

You look back over at Finn, who now sat criss cross on the floor of the balcony. He’d been intently listening (even if he didn’t understand some of it) but in your eyes you were boring him. Most people don’t have the energy or desire to listen to your long rants about space, and once you start, the conversation fizzles out and they’re too tired to talk to you.

You look down at your hands, “Sorry, I was rambling again. We can talk about something else if you want, haha…”

“No, no no no,” He had zoned out many times during PB’s talks of numbers and other things kinda irrelevant to him, but for you it was different. Maybe he just likes hearing the sound of your voice, he doesn’t know. “Can you keep going?”

Your heart flutters.

Your rambling continues on into the night, moon and stars slowly moving across the skies. Finn doesn’t add much to the conversation, mostly watches with a fluttering feeling he couldn’t figure out in his chest. Man, you were pretty when you talked.

Many hours later (you don’t know it, but the sun’s coming up soon), you sit by Finn’s side, both of you sleepy from staying up all night.

Finn looks over to you, “Tonight was fun,”

You’re quiet, “…the funny thing is, most peeps don’t like to hear about it. The stars,”

“I wanna hear about the stars, if it’s you talking about them,”

Your eyes practically sparkle, and you pull him into a hug. Finn’s face grows hot, and he freezes before hugging you back.

“Tier one, dude,”

“What?”

“What?”

[sapphicdib]

hi!

i was just wondering, what is your headcanons for ragequit? I just wanna see your visionTM for them!! /pos

OUUGHGHGHH i guess i just be answering asks now lmao I HAVE SO MANY HGSKDJHKFD

ANYWAYS...

i headcanon that before the events of the game, pebbles and sig didnt get along super well, but it was more of a "haha teasing" kind of way. annoyances to lovers if you will. ragequit post-ingame-events is a lot more complex and would require both of them (though particularly sig) to work through a LOT of shit before an actual relationship could form or whatever. but my general idea for them is that sig and pebbles are kind of like, the babies of the local group. they're younger, their emotional AI is a lot more developed, and in terms of pebbles, painfully human to the point of self-sabotage. when they're feeling shitty, and just want to vent, they go to each other. that isnt to say that moon and suns dont do their best to help, but sig and pebbles understand how frustrating and honestly painful really, really feeling shit can be. moon and suns will often attempt to offer solutions (such as how suns doesn't go to comfort pebbles in the "bug" conversation from the game, they go to providing logical answers), whereas sig and pebbles will just let each other cry it out. there's less of a power dynamic between the two of them, sig is older but pebbles certainly doesn't respect her as much as he does suns, so its less..."embarrassing" to rant or break down to one another because their arent any expectations between them. this is partially how the rot au ends up happening lol

more below the cut!!

General Headcanons:

Sig has a billion nicknames for Pebbles, including: Pebbs, Pebbies, Peebs, "My grumpy little sunflower" (that one comes from the streamer au which is just. absolute chaos)

Sig is very touchy in general. He just. Casually puts a hand on Pebbles' waist, or rests her head against his shoulder, or gives him hugs as greetings, and Pebbles doesnt have to ASK her to! He hates asking for affection bc it makes him feel weak/vulnerable

Oh the bickering. The bickering is so cute. Sig pushes every single one of Pebbles' buttons and it is endlessly entertaining

They trust each other. A lot. Despite the teasing they've seen each other at their lowest, and neither poke fun at shit they know will truly hurt them

[ravs6709]

Todd: Let us remember Shane as he was

*footage cuts to Shane mining alone, silently*

Shsjankakakajaja

I never talk about minecraft but heck yeah new minecraft hardcore series from pbg!

[spinelwritings]

Pebble reader and spinel

You had lived your entire life inside of Pink Diamonds room in the palace, even long after it was said she had been shattered. You weren’t welcome anywhere else, didn’t really want to go anywhere else, at least at first. But after a couple of thousand of years, things got boring. There was a very short time when Steven showed up and he gave everyone something to do, but then he was gone. You all hoped that maybe he would come back.

He never did, not really, but other gems started showing up. There was that really nice Pearl, but she wasn’t really ever in the mood for talking, so you tried not bothering who too much. Some of the others did, but you didn’t join them.

Then there was another gem, one you had never seen before. Granted, you hadn’t exactly seen a lot of different gems, not many came into that room. There was just Pink Diamond and her Pearls. Which was why it was so odd to see a different gem just walk in like that. The other three Diamonds were with her, too, dropping her off you guessed. Apparently, this was her room now. You thought that was odd, but who was going to say no to the Diamonds.

They left, the doors slamming shut behind them, and the pink gem remained. At first, she didn’t do anything, just looked at the door where the Diamonds had been. Then, slowly, she turned around, taking in the room she found herself in, a very pink, empty room. 

She managed to take a few steps forward before the other pebbles started to swarm her, running out of their hiding spots and greeting her. You didn’t join them, just watched. The gem seemed really nervous to suddenly have so many talking to her, barely managing to put a forced smile on her face. 

After a few minutes, you sighed, hopping down into the crowd and trying to get some of them to back off. Not a lot of pebbles liked listening to you, but the few that did saw how nervous the new gem was and decided to do the same as you. It took a bit, but you and a few others managed to herd the group away. There were one or two pebbles that stayed behind, probably explaining how the room worked, but you decided it wasn’t your business.

That new gem didn’t spend a lot of time in the room, probably spending time with the Diamonds. They seemed to really like her, at least based on the few interactions you saw through the door of the room, and she seemed to like them, too. When she did talk to the pebbles she talked about how nice they were, even if they had their own problems. After all, she had problems too.

But there were sometimes. Sometimes she would come in, not happy and smiling like she usually was, but really sad or angry. The first time she came in like that, none of the other pebbles wanted to go to her. They whispered to each other instead, wondering what was wrong. You ignored them and watched the gem. 

She sat in the middle of the room, holding herself in a hug, her form shaking pretty hard. It was a few moments before the tears began to build on her eyes, falling over onto her cheeks and splashing on the ground. But she didn’t look sad. No, she had an expression on her face, one of such intense anger that it almost scared you. Almost.

You sighed, knowing someone should probably go calm her down but also knowing that the other pebbles weren’t going to do anything. Pink get angry a lot and was prone to get violent, so they were a bit cautious. You decided that it didn’t matter what Pink did, maybe this gem was different. 

The wall slid open silently as you peered out then walked over to the pink gem. She didn’t pay you any attention as you approached, only glaring at you when you put a tiny hand on her leg. For a moment the two of you just stared at each other.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

The gem snarled, making you flinch but you refused to back down.

“Talk to who exactly? You? Ya don’t even know me. Why should I tell ya anything?”

You shrugged, refusing to look away from her rage-filled face even as she glared daggers at you. 

“Maybe I’m just the person you need to talk to. At least you know I’m not gonna go blabbing to anyone. All your thoughts stay here.”

“Yeah? And how exactly am I supposed ta believe you?”

You settled her with a stern look, tiny hands resting on your hips. 

“I haven’t left this room in over ten thousand years when I was first made. No one else even comes in here. Who exactly am I supposed to tell?”

She continued to glare at you before finally looking away, growling in frustration.

“They’re just so … Aaagh! I don’t even know! Sometimes it just feels like they don’t actually care about me!”

You managed to climb onto the larger gem’s shoulder, listening to her ranting. The Diamonds, as it turns out, had been rather careless with their words and said a lot of hurtful things. Spinel insisted they didn’t know what they were doing, but it still hurt and it felt like they cared about her more as a replacement for Pink than for herself. You hummed thoughtfully every once in a while, just to show that you were still listening as she went on and on. It seemed like, when she let that first word fall from her lips some sort of dam had been broken and she couldn’t stop, not until there were no words left to say. 

When she was finally done her whole body seemed to deflate slightly, the gem suddenly so exhausted. You patted her face comfortingly and she smiled. It was only a little one, a shadow of her usual smiles, but to you it was just as beautiful.

“Thanks for listenin’.”

You smiled even though she couldn’t really see you from where you sat on her shoulder.

“No problem.”

The gem sighed and for a moment she was quiet, still, but then a look crossed her face.

“Do you have a name or something?”

You giggled.

“No, I’m just a Pebble, we don’t have names.”

The gem huffed at that, finally unraveling her arms from around herself. You hopped down onto her knee so that you could see her face a little better. She looked like she was thinking hard about something.

“What’re you thinking?”

“A name for you. I have to call ya something.”

You hummed, deciding it may take a bit and sitting down.

“Since we’re on the topic of names, what’s yours?”

“Spinel.”

You hummed again and waited. 

“Tiny? No that’s dumb ... Maybe I’ll just call ya Peebs. Is that okay?”

You shrugged.

“Sure. Only if I get to give you a nickname or something.”

She gave you a look, an eyebrow raised.

“I want to call you ... Spinsy.”

She smiled at you, giggling slightly.

“Alright.”

[pb-dot]

The Sisypheanism of Self Care

I don't know if the title is strictly accurate or uses words that are actual words, and neither do I care. Today's been a rough one and I'm granting myself license to be a little extra.

In the last year or so I've become acutely aware that the various mental health care I've been receiving hasn't really been hitting the mark. The talk therapy fails to function as much more than a pressure valve, although it in fairness has been a great pressure valve when I could get it. The problem is that we, that is to say, I and my doctor, former therapist, and social services caseworker haven't really made any inroads into making my life any better or breaking me out of my depression, or this spiral of unemployment, taking a job that doesn't fit my strengths, working until I have burnout and quit - repeat that I have been caught in for most of my adult life.

I was hoping there was an end coming to this time of faffing about with common sense cures for depression, my doctor currently suggests I lose some weight (I know, you're shocked) and take cold showers. In fairness, treatment-resistant depression probably isn't her field of expertise being a GP and all. Anyway, the reason why I hoped this was because I've recently been referred to the public psychiatric center that I know takes a somewhat more clinical approach to treatment, so although I wasn't holding out hope of being "cured" anytime soon, I was kind of hoping this would land me with a treatment plan of some sort. Maybe some different meds? A supplementary diagnosis of some sort? Who's to say, but a fella can dream, can't he?

So far I've talked to two separate mental health professionals who both seem deeply unsure about what to do about me. Out-fucking-standing. Oh, there were also some blood tests as I expressed I was a bit uncertain whether my antidepressants were, in fact, doing anything. I suppose that is the first thing you do in that instance, but I'm just expecting to hear that my body is treating the meds right, and the question if it does do something remains kind of floating in the air. That is, if it doesn't turn out I'm secretly immune to these as well.

Anyway, it's impatience on my end, and I'm fully aware of it. Diagnosing mental health conditions and neurodivergence is tricky and the consequences for making the wrong call can be pretty bad. That said, I'm just tired of getting mh treatment that I can't actually tell if does anything at the same time as I'm getting help getting back to work that I can't tell if does anything, and every time I talk to anyone in my life about this I can't but shrug and go "it'll pay off eventually... I hope."

It's all just such a waste. I was such a bright child in school, and although I wasn't quite as much of a standout during university, I did ok considering I was heavily depressed at the time. Hell, I'm still smart, pretty darn smart in certain fields, I would suggest, and my last formal test of my mental capabilities would agree. And yet, here I sit. Unemployed, frustrated, depressed, a walking pile of anxiety and dark thoughts so robust they almost, but thankfully not quite, should count as a philosophy by now.

Where did I go wrong? There are probably a bunch of things I could have done differently, but frankly, I also feel like Society, that old villain, has failed me in some rather profound ways. It's not just how difficult it has been getting mental health help that actually does something, or how absolutely debilitating being unemployed can be, although these certainly do contribute. My problem isn't just that my life is being made measurably worse by our old foe Late Stage Capitalism, although most of these are just made worse by that cancerous corpse of an ideology. The world seemingly has no place for me it feels like. Loneliness pushes in around me from every conceivable angle, dating is a nightmare, every job requires multi-year experience or specialized education I hadn't even heard about before reading about them, there seems to be no thought put into how exactly anyone not fitting into this cripplingly overspecialized work market is supposed to live their godfuckingdamned life, and that's not even getting into the climate shit.

I honestly hate how easy it is for me to pivot from talking about depression to unemployment. I hate how employment has to be a factor in my mental health. I hate how approximately nobody I've talked to about it, on the professional side, seems to get that I wasn't less depressed back when I was working. I hate how I can't get a job because it feels fucking impossible to be enough of a "go-getter with can-do attitude" to even make it to the interview stage when nothing feels good or worth it. I hate the fucking catch-22 of it all, and I hate that neither psychiatrist nor doctor nor case worker can even begin to unravel this Gordian knot for me, or even tell me where in the good grace of fuck I might begin pulling.

It's like they're saying "Sorry, your depression is untreatable and although we won't say it to your face, the labor market's general indifference to you should tell you that you have no place in it which in the current order of things means you have no value. Shame about that, someone probably should've told you all this before you did your best in school and endured the social ostracization that followed with being a kinda weird kid that loved books, all fueled by the fucking lie that it'd get better once you were done with school."

So yeah. I'm not having a fantastic day today, but I think getting some bile out of my system might have helped me feel a little less terrible? Better days than this will come, I'm sure. I'll try doing nice things for myself the rest of the day, although I'm not quite sure what they were. If I shitpost or rb more saucy art than usual today, that's probably what I ended up with

[invinciblerodent]

speaking of spoilery rants, I think I accidentally flirted with Liam one too many times because just now, when we were Dukes of Hazzard-ing it on Voeld, he admitted to deliberately positioning himself close to Ellie so he can be the one to protect her squishy tech-sniper ass (and lbr I about died right then and there because boy that’s so sweet???!?!??)

buddy boy, pal, darling, sweetie pie, I love you very much and I’ll definitely make a Ryder who’s going to smooch your pretty face next but... this one is a raging homosexual

I’m sorry it’s just the player who’s into you not the character

it’s not you it’s me

(pls love me)

[queen-mabs-revenge]

@qqueenofhades replied to your post “That fucking Mary Shelley trailer… Why are we doing this? Why are we...”

Oh hai, welcome to my "Historical 'Feminism' in Well Meaning Liberal Movies Is Bullshit But Not How The Dudebros Think" TED talk/rant. It's a long 'un. I'll give it to you if you really want, heh.

Hilary, I love you because oh my god, I ventured into the comments section in the misguided hope that someone - anyone - would question the narrative, and lol my mistake because plenty were, but YES. EXACTLY. It was full of “UGH FEMINAZIS RUIN EVERYTHING” “This Movie should be called #MeToo Shelley” and I just backed away slowly bc no..not like that -- but I’m honestly going out of my mind, because I know I sound like some kind of white boy apologist every time I go on a Percy Shelley rant, buT...

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO MARY. WHY CAN’T SHE BE SOMEONE WITH AGENCY??? wHY NOT acknowledge that she had the wherewithal to surround herself with people who challenged and encouraged her creativity and with whom she was a creative partner? Why can’t we focus on the actual struggle she dealt with instead of casting Peebs as the villain to her story in order to make it sexy and cool and TRAGIQUE -- oh mY GOD I WANT TO SCREAM because like...jfc no one is saying everyone in that circle was perfect, but it’s this ridiculous idea that ends up with Fiona Sampson calling Mary a “surrendered woman” like WHY? WHY? not DEAL with the ACTUAL struggles and tragedy instead of playing like Mary was this poor stupid naive little girl who got TRICKED BY THE BIG BAD MAN who just wanted to talk about dicks while mary silently went on geniusing in the corner unacknowledged, abused and alone whYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

um.

so like. pls i would love to come to your TED talk?????????

[bifurcatedbeech]

I am slowly approaching the threshold of “depressed” most days for a few hours. and i mean like suicidal ideation depressed, lost all hope in the world depressed, not sad™️

i don’t know what to do about it. probs see a counselor again… like that has really helped before. maybe reach out to friends. (i don’t want to bother people)

i am so sad and scared and i just don’t get why i have to feel like this

[annakie]

Thoughts on Andromeda, Part Eleven

We’re starting to head into the endgame, but I’ve got at least two more posts planned after this one.

All the planets are done.  Let’s finish up a loyalty mission and try to figure out what happened to the Salarians.

And then uh, the end of this post I ended up diverging into talking about... not specifically the ending but the enemies, both the specific main villain and the species overall.  So really, this post has spoilers if you haven’t finished the game.

One of the things I love about Andromeda is how, more than any other game, I think family is emphasized.  We know about, and get to meet, a family member or close friend of nearly every squadmate, and some of the crew.  Kallo and Suvi could definitely use some development in this area, but even Kallo has his friend we hear about.

And like, in SWTOR (mild spoilers if you haven’t played the last two expansions) my biggest complaint about the overall storyline in KotFE / KotET is that it’s all about someone else’s family but like... where are your personal stakes in this family aside from getting dragged into it and, I mean the fate of the galaxy but.... it’s like you’re the fifth wheel in the entire story and the entire last fight in KotET reminded me of being a teenager at your friend’s house and witnessing their family drama.

In ME:A yeah you’ve got some Ryder Family stuff going on but it’s not the center of the story. There’s enough family in it to feel like family is important to your character, unlike with Shepard who, even a Spacer Shepard’s family felt like an afterthought.  

And Drack’s connection with Kesh was one of my favorite “other family” bits in the game.  Especially when you learn the story of why he raised her.

Speaking of Drack... haha.  

Not just Drack but I really, really loved all the hangout post-loyalty quests with all the companions.  I may have said this already but I thought both the loyalty and post-loyalty hangouts were some of the best moments of the series.

PeeBee’s quest!

My Ryder was like, really forgiving of her companions so even this Annwyl was like “Whatevs, Peebs.  Let’s hope we don’t die.  My super poofy armor will protect me anyway.”

I shot.  Look, I know a toxic person who will continue to be a threat when I see one.  I had to do what was best for my buddy.

Annwyl is definitely the type who will forgive you for harming her, but don’t you dare mess with my friend’s heart, mind and stuff.

I loved the entire aesthetic of this place, I wish the mission would have lasted longer.

The post-mission confession of friendship was so, so great too.  

My one quibble with it, which wasn’t really a quibble but... don’t take Liam and Peebee out together for the first time after this mission because Liam questioning why she’s there and if she’s realy a part of the team goes from kinda “I can see his point” to “super dickish, Liam.  She’s already SAID she’s in for the team and she cares about you all and what’s going on!” 

I just love this pic of the rest of the team.  I also thought this was just a great “team bonding / really feeling like a found family” moment, too, with everyone skipping out on helping Peebee clean up her mess.

So, at this point I checked my game progress.  I’d done every quest I could find on all of the planets.  All of the loyalty missions.  Game completion: 70%.  So basically I think it takes into account story & loyalty missions as completion more than the amount of stuff done as a whole.  

But hey speaking of the little missions, I wanted to talk about the worst kind of mission in ME:A -- the “drive to like five random spawn points of enemies on the map, and hope to find something to click on” quests.  Like, you know “Hey I found a datapad here, now SAM is telling me I need to find four more datapads but there’s no map locations to find them.”  I think I ranted about these before.  They’re so annoying.  And also, some of them are broken.  

I’ve completed the game and have like six things left in my quest log.  One is a known broken quest given by an Angara in the Cultural center.  THREE are these drive-around quests.  For all of them, I’m pretty sure either I completed them or at least the drive-around part, and they’re still in my questlog. I wasted 2 or 3 hours one day doing nothing but following youtube playthroughs where people showed where they found the spawnpoints for these items, and checked every one of them, sometimes twice.  Nope, nothing there.  Can’t turn the quest in anywhere.   I really wanted to get 100% and I don’t think I can on this save file now. =\

Often when you DO find the 5 spawnpoints the ending quest is kinda neat, but its really not worth it, it feels like, for many of them.

I think these are the quests that are getting ignored in future playthroughs, unless they fix them and make the stuff less annoying to find.

Another dynamic thing that I liked was little things like stopping by to see who’s in prison.  There were several different people with interesting reasons for being there.

I was really happy to find the Salarains again, and another thing I liked is that... all of the species, except for how some people treated the Krogan, felt like a community in this game.  The cultural center was clearly overblown with talking about how peaceful and well everyone got along in the Milky Way, but at the same time it did feel like things were somewhat less segmented in this game.  Everyone’s relief at finding the other species was nice.  

Game bugged and my helmet stayed on through this entire sequence. That was annoying.  

So yeah let’s talk about the Archon.

*yawn*

What? Oh.  Right.

Look, I don’t know if I need another playthrough of the game to “get” the Archon or what.  What I understand is that he’s part of a larger empire of Kett.  But then he went and got obsessed with Remnant tech and now some of the other Kett are mad at him for not doing his job and getting sidetracked with Remnant stuff? Is that right?  

I just really thought that the Archon and the Kett were the weakest part of the game.  At the end of ME1 we had some clear adversaries with some fairly clear motivations.  And I’m jumping ahead here a bit but I figure if you’re reading this far you’re at or near done. But you had Saren and the Geth, indoctrinated and working for The Reapers, who were ancient machines hellbent on tearing down civilization because That’s Just What They Do.  We weren’t sure if they were evil or just machine-like.  No idea where they came from, but we understood them and their overall motivations, and a lot of details were missing, but we got the general gist.  

Okay here’s a good way to explain it.  The first time I played through ME1 I didn’t understand really who Saren was or what he was doing for a long time, and that was fine, it was a mystery to be solved!  But by the end of the game I understood him.  Still didn’t LIKE him, you weren’t supposed to, but I got him.  The second time through ME1 seeing things like him ordering to blow up the beacon on Eden Prime, his whole conversation and freakout with Benezia, lying to the council and making fun of your “dreams”, I got it.  Everything Saren did had a clear motivation that was easily understandable and easy to piece together that came together by the time he died, and unlocked many little “OH!” moments your second time through.

I didn’t feel like that at all with the Archon.   I don’t expect there to be many of those “Oh!” moments as I continue playing through ME:A a second time.  

And when Saren dies, still, you don’t like him, but you can have empathy there.  I didn’t feel any of that with the Archon.

Maybe I missed something.  Maybe I missed a lot, but... I don’t have that same feeling of “getting it” with the Kett, nor the Remnant.  I’m way more ok with not getting the Remnant at this point.  Obviously, this is the first game in what would hopefully be a trilogy, so we’re not going to get all the answers, there’s a lot of setup involved, but I just think that the Kett’s motivations and overall story should be a lot more clear than they are.  

The Archon felt like a shitty villain.  He didn’t feel like a Saren, or a Soverign... just some generic dude messing with our shit for unknown reasons beyond “I like Remnant stuff, and I was here first.”  

Way back in post three in this series, I wrote:

When I was watching this scene (the first time you see the Kett at the end of Habitat Seven) I thought “Someday, I’m going to play through the game a second or tenth time and finally care about this scene and understand its motivations.”  Right now it felt like a generic baddie reveal, there to put forth even more questions.

I mean, yep to that, and now I’ve re-played through that scene on my new game+ and I do understand it’s generic motivations now, but it didn’t give me that same sense of “Oh!” or “Oh man this is so cool knowing what I know now!” like I thought it would.

I mean, let’s be real.  Harbinger was a more well-developed and scary character than the Archon.  And that’s saying something.

This was the part that made me grit my teeth the most, though.

Oh, genetic experiments you say?  Mutating species to fit into your mold to exploit against us you say? Wow, how original.  Nobody had ever thought of that before, especially not in the previous Mass Effect game.

Look, I could roll with it when we found out that the Kett actually were mutated Angara.  I just honestly couldn’t believe that like, literally ME2 was all about kidnapping people (like the Kett kidnap the Angara) to build your army.  We were shocked when the Collectors were the Protheans.  I wasn’t shocked much at all to learn the Kett = the Angarans.  I’d had the thought a couple of times before we found out, in fact.

So then, in ME3 most of what you fought was genetic mutations of yourself and your fellow alien species. And now the Kett are... kidnapping and genetically mutating the Milky Way species?  Did anyone who made this game like, play ME2 and ME3?  Did we travel 600 years into the future to live out basically the same war Shepard did in ME3?

I really, really hope that there’s some big... actual surprise waiting for us in Andromeda 2.  Because I mean... this was kind of bullshit?  I can see it being terrifying and now for Ryder and team.  But for us, the players?  C’mon.  Is the creative well so dry for new enemies that we’re going to just re-design the species we already have a second time?

We’ve got the mysterious ancient species who are no longer around (Prothean/Remnant) and the big threat to the galaxy who kidnaps sentient species to turn them against us. (Reapers/Kett).  I mean, if you think about it, so far there’s not even any reason to think reapers might actually be in Andromeda.  (I don’t think that’s true, but it’s kind of amusing to think that it’s plausible.)

We wanted to feel like we were in the same universe, not that we might be replaying the same games. :v

Eh.

Sorry to get all super negative here in this post, but one complaint kinda lead into the other.  And yeah, my biggest overall problems with Andromeda are here.  The Archon and the Kett feel very generic and just... kinda.. boring.  And re-hashing forced genetic mutations to make you fight your own former allies.

More positive stuff next time!

[shaedan-archive]

hey, uh, peebee’s romance? absolute goddamn perfection

[pb-dot]

The Parents Problem

I have parts of this adult thing down at this point, but I still don't know what to do about my parents, as they keep being a drain on my energy in much the same ways as they always have. They don't actually communicate about their emotional states all that much, and they get emotionally wobbly when they drink more than they should, which is a too common occurrence. I don't want to tell them to figure their shit out, but if I have to spend one more day in their presence while they are "fighting but not fighting" I'll have to because that shit makes my teeth want to escape my skull.

[pb-dot]

Evening, Peebs! I'm not as present as I'd like to be on here lately (low on spoons), I'm taking this occasion to catch up a little bit!

How did NaNo go? Any notable breakthroughs? Is there a paragraph you're particularly proud of? OCs giving you a headache? Rant away about anything you want, really! :D

Hi teacup! Always a pleasure to hear from you, hope your spoons are plentiful in the days to come.

So, my Nano went pretty good I think. I wrote about 70k in November, which I'm happy with, but the book isn't done yet. Turns out that what I thought would be the ending was actually closer to an act 2 climax, and I had another whole act of escalation and a satisfying ending to write still, so that's a bit annoying, but I'm hopeful I'll get it done before the end of the year.

Also, as I keep reminding myself, I do like writing, although I am having a little break this week, which is partially to recover from the efforts of november, and partially because I find myself drawn into increasingly complex strategy games these days.

[pb-dot]

Hey, it's me again.

I just wanted to thank @yesireadbooks and @deadhunter-series for your words of support. I may have teared up a little, and by may I mean Definitely Did.

When I'm beset by strong emotion I often find it helpful to try to write it out. Once upon a time these just rotted away in a notepad document, but now they get to bother all my mutuals, yaaaay [Kermit-Waving-Arms.gif]

Seriously though, I always have this apprehension about sharing how I'm doing, but I'm trying to get better about that, thus the occasional Tumblr rant.

I'm feeling better now after calming down a little, getting some painkillers in me, and eating. Of course, there was a little bit of hangry in there as well, figures. I feel ok about giving the therapy as many shots as it takes but the question of whether this is the start of my descent into gimmicky Batman D-Lister Villany remains open I will definitively take up this frustration with the world in general and therapy in specific with the therapist at the next opportunity.

Loads of love

Peebs

Peebs Vent: Mental Health Care

People who follow this lil' blog with some regularity may have picked up on the oh-so-subtle theme of Peebs having some Mental Health Challenges. These days, I'm basically in some sort of treatment limbo since my last therapist retired, and we basically got to the point that he doesn't really know what to do about me anyway. So, as one often does with problems that people don't know the answer to, I've escalated it up to the public healthcare service. Around here, this is usually a good thing since these services are pretty good at establishing a goal-oriented treatment plan and getting people through that.

People with average or better reading comprehension may have noted that I said it's usually a good thing, and I say this because for me it hasn't really worked out so far. You see, the poor dears don't seem to know what to do about me either, as one consultation to establish the abovementioned plan turned into two and now three, and I have no real idea about how long this is going to go on.

This time around, the psychiatrist who I spoke with questioned me about what I'd do if I got the message that they couldn't help me. This one is a particular fear of mine, and I spent some time explaining why, how I find life teetering right on the brink of the unmanageable, and how I need something, anything really, to be wrong that can be fixed because I don't see myself surviving in the world as it appears to me, and frankly I don't see anyone else doing it either.

It's pretty grim stuff, and I find myself wondering if I should change track a bit. It is true that I find myself relying on something to change, for someone to figure out my medication situation, for someone to help me with the goddamned anxiety that makes social interactions with all but my closest friends a nightmare, for someone to help me manage the dark thoughts and compulsive need to be a people pleaser, for an employer who isn't perfectly content with letting me work myself into burnout again.

I'm not asking for the world on a platter here. I'm asking to be provided with the tools to ensure my own survival and good health. Nobody has to help me pull myself out of this hole that the years have dug in my psyche, just get me a rope and I'll do it my fucking self. Mais non. No can do. We're really flummoxed by this whole "hole" situation despite our business ostensibly being holes (phrasing?)

So I've been thinking, maybe it's time to stop thinking of this as an existential threat to myself. If nothing else, maybe reframing it a bit would help with the anxiety. Parts of me already think of this attempt at getting me into treatment that actually does anything as Society's last chance to avoid me turning into a Problem. I don't like taking up space in other people's lives or being any kind of problem or bother, it's a bad habit that years of anxiety and being somewhat of an outcast might get you, but maybe it's what's needed here.

I could be quite the problem if I put my mind to it I'm pretty sure. I come from a long line of stubborn farmers and even more stubborn bureaucrats, and I don't exactly think I'd be easier to deal with if I stopped pouring all this anger and disappointment into myself and started turning it outward. Is it reasonable? Maybe not, but it's not exactly great for me to internalize it either and that hasn't stopped me before.

So, I ask myself. Why not. Why not become a pain in the ass? Why not make my problems into the world's problems. Why not become disruptive and stubborn and pour my every waking moment into making dealing with me in a quiet and painless way impossible? I wouldn't change anything I'm pretty sure, but it's not like my current approach is doing any better in that regard.

This isn't to say I look forward to my villain era, such as it is. Truth is, I don't particularly want to, mostly because being a disruptive asshole sounds both emotionally and mentally taxing, but also because I just find my temperament not vibing well with that kind of thing. It's not a perfect solution, but I guess it's at least not wanting to bring harm to myself? I suppose that is something.

Either way, I'm not done with these endless assessments, so there's always the hope that I end up actually getting some help. In related news, there's always the chance I'll win the lottery.