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eilonwiiy · 4 years

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All That Glitters

Summary: A fluffy Safi/Merik one-shot set in the Bookends verse.

Inspired by this ship meme ask: Who tries to start role-playing in bed? Answer: Safi, but it only ends in a fit of laughter. Safi is a terrible actress and they both know it.

Ships: Safi/Merik

Read on AO3: here

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Safi adjusted the sequined torture contraption plastered to her thighs for what felt like the hundredth time since she shimmied into it. It wasn’t really meant for torture, but when something dissolved the use of her legs and made her feel like a sausage casing, torture didn’t seem so a far-reaching.

This was supposed to be sexy.

She tried shifting her thighs, glued together by sweat, to no avail. She was beginning to think that maybe she had gone about this the wrong way. A mermaid seemed like the obvious choice when the idea had popped into her head. Merik had a strong connection to the ocean, having grown up in Nubrevna, and for as long as she’d known him - which, granted, wasn’t very long - he’d find any excuse to talk about his years spent sailing and adventuring on the high seas as a boy. But now, with legs tightly gift wrappped in shimmering spandex, it seemed stupid to have eliminated, in her most humble opinion, her best features - if only for the supreme discomfort she was in. Her boobs weren’t faring much better. The vinyl shell-shaped monstrosity strapped across her chest would soon become a permanent fixture on her body if Merik didn’t turn up soon. This was, of course, for him after all.

It wasn’t that things had grown stale in the bedroom. Quite the contrary. Safi found herself spending more and more time with Merik than ever before. Skipping her morning classes was becoming all too much of a habit to the point where her sociology professor had personally reached out to her by email asking if everything was alright. Embarrassed, Safi had quickly replied thanking her for her concern and assuring her that she was ok. More than ok (though she’d left out the finer details as to why in her response).

And yet.

She couldn’t help but feel as though something was out of place. Between him and her. They hadn’t had “the talk”. Yet. And as Merik had proven on more than one occasion that he was just as maddeningly stubborn as Safi, they never would. But that didn’t stop her from having many long-winded and, ultimately, unproductive talks with herself. She was growing discontent with the one-sidedness of it all, especially when she was all too painfully aware of what she was thinking. She wanted to know what the real Merik was thinking, not the fantasy version she carried around in her head all day - the one that wanted more than the whatever they were doing now. Because on the days she opted out of her morning class, she wasn’t hanging around for just a tumble in the sheets. I mean, that certainly wasn’t a deterrent. Merik was living up to every bit of expertise he’d so boorishly boasted when they’d begun dancing circles around each other. But that wasn’t all there was to it anymore. Most mornings when her cell alarm woke her up after spending the night, the desire to stay tucked against Merik’s chest and wrapped in his arms far outweighed doing anything else, and in the last week, she was almost positive she’d picked up on his reluctance to do the same. This was highly unusual. When they’d first started hooking up, he’d be showered, dressed, and halfway through eating a banana - what he called breakfast, the barbarian - all before she’d even hit the snooze button on her alarm the first time in a long series of snoozes. Now, all of a sudden, Merik was following her alarm’s example and snoozing right alongside Safi. Not so long that he missed class - he hadn’t gone through a complete personality transplant - but enough that Safi awoke to a thoroughly eye-opening ‘good morning’.

Which was exactly why she was laying across Merik’s bed, her bottom half squeezed into the glitziest mermaid tail Amazon had to offer with her top half covered in plastic seashells and glitter like a beach craft project gone wrong. The plan had seemed sensible enough: if they tried something new in the bedroom, then perhaps it would inspire him to try something new outside the bedroom. Like, eat bacon and eggs for breakfast. Or try role-playing as something else. Her boyfriend, perhaps.

Under such a premeditated salacious scenario, it all sounded so childish now, but it was too late to back out. With a look of determination setting on her sparkly face, she tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder and adjusted her boobs with renewed commitment. Tonight, she would initiate and complete. She wasn’t entirely confident that she’d be able to get herself out of her tail without Merik’s help anyhow.

She hadn’t come over mermaidified. Kullen had let her in, eyeing the multiple bags of supplies hanging from her arms warily and having the decency to listen to her rambling explanation without question when the plastic leaf garland she planned on using as a vine of seaweed flopped out of one of the bags. About ten minutes later, he announced that he was heading over to Ryber’s and wouldn’t be back until late tomorrow. Smart man.

Safi stared at the bedroom door, a perfect beached mermaid, waiting for her sea captain to walk in and ravish his scaley catch. Yes, this was good. This was not at all insane.

5 minutes went by.

Safi wetted her lips, resisting the urge to roll off the bed and refile through her makeup bag. It would be just her luck for Merik to walk in as she was reapplying a fresh coat of lipgloss. It wasn’t worth the risk. He’d be too distracted by the fish tail replacing her legs to notice that her lips had lost their sparkly sheen from two hours ago anyway.

Another 10 minutes went by.

These sequins were going to leave permanent indentations in her ass if she didn’t move soon.

25 minutes.

His last class was supposed to have gotten out over an hour ago! Where the hell was he?

30.

That’s it. She was going to text him.

Then, suddenly, the door swung open and there was Merik, his dark hair tousled wet and his cheeks rosy, like he’d gotten caught in a snow flurry on the way home. He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Safi, his hand gripped around the door knob. She had turned to stone the moment the door clicked open. With her torso twisted and arm strained backwards frozen in midair as she tried to acrobatically reach for her phone from the nightstand, their eyes met.

It took Safi several beats of stunned silence for her to remember that she had lines. She jolted as though breaking out of a spell, the room filed with the rustle of sequins and (fake) pearl necklaces draped around her neck clacking against each as she gyrated back onto her side, all the while Merik still stood rooted in the doorway, his face bafflingly expressionless for a man who had just unsuspectingly walked in on a mermaid floundering on his bed.

Safi took a single deep breath and began…

“Oh captain, my captain,” she recited in a musical lilt. “To be caught in one’s net is but my kind’s greatest fear. But to be caught in a gaze such as yours, I cannot say. For it is a forbidden love we swim around. I dare not say what would happen to me if I were discovered in the arms of a land dweller for it is too gruesome to even imagine… but I know of a place where no one can find us. A secret lagoon that only I know of. Where the water is warm and… and… what are you looking at??”

Merik’s eyes were narrowed in a deep frown. Somewhere in the midst of her opening monologue, his attention had shifted to the rest of the bed and - more importantly - not her.

“This place is covered in glitter,” he said bluntly, looking around the room.

Safi blinked, momentarily stunned. “What?”

“There’s glitter. Everywhere,” he emphasized, still too engrossed with the contents of his room to even spare a look at her.

A shock of disbelief robbed Safi of speech for a moment. “Are you serious right now?”

“Yes, I’m serious,” he said, running a mystified hand through his hair and brushing the tip of his boot on a spot on the carpet that was no doubt fertilized with glitter. He scowled. “I’m going to have to burn this place down.”

Safi’s mouth puckered open and close, fittingly, like a fish. Heat flashed through her - and not the kind she was hoping he’d ignite from this encounter.

“Better start with the bathroom,” she jeered snidely.

At those words, Merik’s gaze finally snapped to her. His brown eyes widened half a fraction and, without a word, he bolted from the room. Safi listened for the telltale sound of the bathroom light being switched on and a smugness flitted across her pursed lips when she heard the satisfying gasp of horror that instantly followed after.

Angry footsteps sounded from outside the room and Merik reappeared.

“It looks like Tinkerbell was murdered in there,” he accused, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder. From her spot on the bed, she could see the red flush creeping up his neck that she had come to know so well from their many heated arguments - and the exhilarating reconciliations that followed. He planted his hands on his hips and stood over her like an angry parent. So not the role she was hoping he’d be playing right now.

“Safi, what the hell is going on?”

“Relax, Tink’s fine.”

“Safi.”

“What do you think is going on?” Safi hissed, sounding more like a murderous siren than the seductive mermaid she had planned on. Strangling him sounded just as pleasurable as sex at the moment.

“I don’t know!” Merik half-shouted, throwing his hands up. He looked Safi up and down in earnest for the first time since he walked through the door. Underneath the irritation radiating off him was genuine confusion and he struggled for his next words.

“This… is weird,” he finally landed on. His hands dropped to his sides and his shoulders slumped a little. He stared into Safi’s eyes clearly hoping she would say something, but she wasn’t in the mood to let him off the hook. Not when she could feel angry tears prickling at the backs of her eyes. This was such a stupid idea. What had she been thinking? She was an idiot for thinking she could pull this off. Before Merik, she’d hardly had any experience with anyone. Besides Caden.

Ugh, she mentally harrumphed. Chiseled Cheater. Just the thought of him set her on fire. Why after that trainwreck she’d entertained the fantasy of attaching herself more exclusively to another brainless cow was beyond her. Something was truly wrong with her.

When she didn’t say anything, Merik let out a rough sigh. “Safi, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Nothing!” Safi snapped, breaking from her thoughts and suddenly finding her voice. Merik eyes widened.

“You don’t have to say anything at all,” she continued in a coldly polite manner, raising herself up. “I’m leaving. Have a good night.”

Safi flipped onto her butt and began to scooch across Merik’s bed, digging her bound heels into the mattress to pull herself forward and propping her top half up with her hands. She knew how undignified she must have looked, but she kept her chin held high, ignoring the way every piece of her ensemble made an ungodly amount of noise with the effort of her movements. Just get up, she screamed at herself inside her head. Just get up and get out and you’ll never have to see him ever again for as long as you live.

But she did want to see him. And she hated herself for it.

That was the last thought she had when her feet touched the ground, for when she stood and tried to take a step forward, she toppled onto the floor.

And then Merik was on the floor with her, his face rippling with full-bellied laughter. She’d never heard him laugh in such a way, so free and uncaring. It would have sent her heart soaring if not for the not so minor fact that her humiliation was its cause. Before she did something stupid, like grab his face and kiss him senseless, she reminded herself of that fact, then peeled her upper half off the floor and sent a venomous look his way.

“Merik, I swear, if you don’t stop laughing, I’ll-”

But what Safi would do, they never found out. Because when she tried to get back onto her feet, she’d fallen right back down and Merik crumpled into a heap on the floor dissolving into hysterics and clutching his stomach.

“Stop laughing!” Safi cried, but either Merik couldn’t hear her over his own howling or he didn’t care. The thought of the latter only made Safi angrier and with a strangled sob she tried to pull herself up by the bed sheets, wishing to get as far away from Merik Nihar as possible and forget that she’d ever met him. She’d give him an unflattering nickname and forbid Iseult from speaking his name ever again.

But then, without warning, she was in the air. Strong arms wrapped under her knees and around her back. Before she could protest, she was being gently lowered onto the bed, and the next moment, Merik had her caged underneath him.

He wasn’t laughing anymore.

Safi felt the tear that escaped the corner of her eye and slid down her temple before she could stop it. She looked away, blinking unseeingly at the ceiling and huffed in frustration. His face was drawing closer, so close that she could feel the warmth of his lips on hers. And then, he paused.

“You’re acting real crazy, you know that?” he murmured huskily.

An indignant sound burst from Safi’s throat and was immediately swallowed by his mouth.

It wasn’t this first time Merik Nihar had rendered Safi speechless. Sometimes it was with his stupidity. Other times with his bullheadedness. And then there were times when he kissed her and stole the very air she breathed.

This was one of those times.

The sound of his deep exhalation the moment after their lips met was the only thing that nudged Safi’s lungs to back life. The kiss was slow and deliberate and the arm still underneath her tightened its hold on her while the other kept himself propped up as to not crush her. There was something incredibly sexy about the way that coarse wool of his jacket brushed against her bare skin with every roll of his head and Safi wished not for the first time that evening that her legs weren’t bound. She cupped his face in her hands, dragging him closer, and finally he relented and lied down on her properly, the silken slide of their lips growing hotter, deeper. In a matter of seconds he had every nerve-ending inside her crackling to life.

The moment he stopped she wanted to grab him by the collar and yank him back down to her, but she restrained herself, too caught up in the softness of his eyes. He smoothed her hair back from her flushed forehead, fingers bumping over the seashells among the waves as he peered down at her. She had a feeling he wasn’t going to be the first person to break under the silence.

“I’m not crazy,” she finally said. Although her voice was soft, a familiar defensiveness rang through.

The corner of Merik’s mouth curled up. “I didn’t say you were crazy,” he countered, continuing to gaze down at her fondly. “I said you were acting crazy. Care to tell me why?”

Safi pressed her eyes shut and breathed in deeply - or she tried to. The combination of the constrictive nature of her outfit and Merik’s lower half pressed deliciously against her was making it hard to breathe at the moment.

When she opened her eyes he was, unfortunately, still waiting for an answer. She sighed.

“I just wanted to try something… new.”

Merik’s brow arched.

“In bed.”

“Oh.”

There was a pause. Safi willed her cheeks not to burn up. She focused on the masculine bump of his throat and watched it slowly bob up and down as he swallowed.

“Are you… bored?”

“No,” she was quick to answer, unable to stop herself from looking at him when she said it to assure him that it was true. Relief softened his eyes, but his expression turned serious again a moment later.

“Are you unhappy?”

Safi’s heart thrummed against her breast, too powerful for even the bra so tightly bound to her chest to tamp down. For a moment she lost herself in his questioning eyes. The color on his cheeks gave him a boyish glow. She could lie. End this now and walk away in whatever humiliating capacity her mermaid tail allowed. Roll, hop, slither across the floor like a garden snake - whatever. The point was she would never have to face that feeling ever again if she wanted to.

“I’ve never been so happy with a man before in my life,” she confessed instead.

Surprise flickered across Merik’s face.

“So, naturally, I tried to change everything.”

Merik broke out into a chuckle, his eyes brightening with that rare smile of his that Safi was coming to adore so much, and his hand, which had been frozen for some time, resumed caressing her hair.

“By turning into a mermaid?” he asked, amused.

Safi nodded and Merik shook his head ruefully. He pulled away slightly and peered down. “How would this-” he gestured back and forth between their lower halves “-even work?”

A watery laugh broke through Safi. “I don’t know!” she moaned covering her face with her hands, embarrassed, but finally able to appreciate the absurdity of it all. Merik began laughing too, the sound soothing her jangled nerves, and he gently pulled her hands away so that he could see her.

“Did you have a costume for me?” he teased.

“You brag so much about that damn boat of yours I assumed you had one stashed away somewhere.”

“It’s not bragging. It’s talking,” Merik corrected evenly. He arched his brow. “Where’s Kullen?”

Safi rolled her eyes. Even with her half-naked underneath him he still couldn’t help his thoughts from wandering to Kullen. She knew she shouldn’t judge. She was the same way with Iseult afterall, but really, come on.

“He’s far, far away at Ryber’s.”

A wolfish grin spread across Merik’s face and to Safi’s surprise said, “Good,” then leaned into her and found that sweet spot between her neck and shoulder with his lips. Safi’s heart faltered.

“Seriously?” she breathed, arching into his touch nonetheless.

“You did go through all the effort,” he murmured into her skin, kissing a path along her collarbone. His hand traced a line down the middle of her chest, leaving a happy trail of goosebumps in its wake. His fingers spread along her ribcage, a searing handprint on her skin, and his thumb slipped under her bra, brushing the underside of her breast. A shiver ran through Safi. Hell-gates, it was going to hurt like hell when the time came to rip those seashells, but holy shit it would be worth it. Possessed with an urgency to anchor herself she plunged her hands into his thick hair and cradled him to her.

“Plus,” he said between kisses, “I don’t mind trying new things. Here or… wherever.”

Safi’s hands paused. She’d never know if he felt the flutter of her heart under his lips, but he lifted his head to gaze up at her from her bare collar. His dark eyes smoldered with meaning and somehow Safi knew what he was saying. They always did understand each other best when they kept their mouths shut.

“Really?” she sniffed, careful to put on an air of indifference. She may have been voluntarily bound beneath him, but she wasn’t about to give herself away entirely.

“Really.”

They held each other's gaze for a moment, then Merik’s face slowly lit up with a lopsided grin. Safi tried to contain the smile breaking out across her lips, halfway succeeding. It was enough for Merik, though, and pressing a tender kiss upon her chest, he returned to his exploration of her neck. She let her head fall back and a breathy sigh passed through her lips, fingers curling in his hair, only to be cut short by a startled gasp when he nipped her earlobe rather boldly.

“A little advice for the future, domna?” he said in a low voice, and her traitorous body stiffened at the seductive dominance honeying his words. His breath was hot against her ear as he took an insufferable pause no doubt for dramatic effect.

“Play to your strengths.”

In one graceful move, Safi pushed him off her and rolled him onto his back so that she was on top of him.

She planned on doing just that.

#the witchlands #safiya fon hasstrel #merik nihar #safik #safi x merik #bookends #bookends verse #the card catalog #my fics #mine

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 4 years

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Kissing Dead Pearls (Part 29)

She shoos Sokka away before her father can make a fuss. She has to give the boy props, he handles it with the twinkle of humor that she expects from him, “I’d climb out the window, but you know…”

Azula rolls her eyes. “Just hurry back to the other cabinet and pretend like we didn’t spend the night together.”

“Oh yeah, because we got real raunchy with Katara sleeping over there.” He wriggles his brows.

She nudges him.

“How about this, how about we just walk out of this cabin and pretend like I just knocked and asked if you were awake yet?”

“But father…”

“Still over thinking things? Guess it’s good to know that some things are still the same.” He takes her hand. “Come on.” She lets him lead her out of the cabin. “Besides, I don’t think that your dad will get too angry over something so small.”

“I suppose, not.” She pauses. “It’s Jet that we have to worry about.”

She tightens her grip on his hand, if only for the sake of doing so. Two weeks in and she still feels as though it is some kind of illusion, just like those phantom sails. Maybe if she grips tightly enough she will be reassured that he is real. She is sure that someone would have told her if she were just talking to herself this whole time.

“Can we sit in the shade?” Sokka asks.

“I like the sun.”

He points to a few remaining blisters and the discolored patches of skin.

She rolls her eyes. “Sorry, I forgot that you have baby skin now. Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to say good morning to father.”

.oOo.

Sokka finds himself the shadiest spot on deck and peers out at the rushing waters. The day cloudy and somewhat cool, a few seagulls zip by. He looks at the ocean, its waters are calm. He almost calls for Azula to come back. Instead he balls his fists and forces him to stare at the waves. She will be back soon. But not soon enough, he can tell that she is having a conversation with her father.

He thinks of approaching Zuko and Katara, but they are much too close to the railings for comfort. Even if they weren’t, Zuko has his arm slung over Katara’s shoulder and they are doing that thing again...the thing where he gazes down at her and she looks up at him and their eyes sparkle.

Katara has made a very clear rule about this. Even after so long away he can very clearly hear her whining, “stop being annoying and overbearing! When I’m with Zuko, we need alone time.”

He doesn’t have such rules with Azula. He is fine with Katara intruding and he thinks that Azula finds humor in Zuko walking in on them locking lips. His expressions are usually exaggeratedly humorous.

Though he thinks that circumstances might have changed. He can’t imagine her brushing him off at the moment. She turns around and her expression brightens. “Sokka! You’re awake!” She turns back to Zuko. “Can you go check on breakfast? Sokka usually likes it first thing when he gets up.”

Zuko nods and makes his way below deck while Katara comes and finds a spot next to him. “Why don’t you come and sit at one of the tables?”

“Too much sunlight.”

“Too much sunlight?”

Azula sniffs. “Hasn’t he told you yet?”

Katara’s brows furrow. “Tell me what?”

“He found an island full of vampire chimps and one of them bit him.”

“They would have never bit me!” He throws his hands up.

“So it was the mosquitoes then?”

“Vampire mosquitoes?” Katara crinkles her nose.

“He had a really rough time.” Azula shrugs. “Come on, just sit in the sun for breakfast and then we can go hide in the cabins. I’ll even sit in front of you and block the sunlight.”

He bursts out laughing. “I think that, that only works if the one blocking the sun is taller than the one being shielded.”

Azula’s eyes narrow and she half pouts, “fine. You’re on your own then.”

He stands up and brushes his hand against her cheek. Heaven knows that he missed this kind of banter, missed that pout, those eyes. Missed Katara’s soft giggle. More than anything though, he is thankful for one more small reassurance that she hasn’t changed too much, even if she seems to have matured several years in the span of a few months. “Alright, we can sit at the tables for a bit.”

She gives a smug smile and hustles him towards the tables. Ten minutes later he is thrilled to see a plate of eggs and a sausage patty. And the good homemade kind too, not the cardboard tasting hospital sort.

“Not so fast!” Katara reaches for his hand. “Your doctors said that you should still eat slow, your body is still…”

He sighs, “in starvation mode, I know.”

.oOo.

She catches him glaring from across the boat. She doesn’t have to look up to know that he is. It is quite a palpable feeling. Normally she request a polite, ‘can you perhaps knock it the hell off please?’ Instead, she looks up from her plate and asks, “why don’t you come sit with us, Jet?”

“So I can watch the two of you getting all...” he shudders and sticks his tongue out like a child.

Azula rolls her eyes. “We really should talk. All three of us.”

“What’s there to y’all about? You love him more. He’s back. I was just a placeholder.”

“You weren’t just a placeholder.” Azula assures as gently as she can, albeit she isn’t a particularly gentle person. “I really was planning on moving on with you. Taking you to the homecoming dance…” she trails off, realizing too late that it would only make things worse to prattle on about what could have been.

“In other words, I’m the second choice?” He stands. “Got it. Because that’s much better.”

Louder than necessary, he pushes in his chair and makes his way towards the cabins. Azula inhales deeply. She supposed that she should just be thankful to have Sokka again. She’s rather lose Jet to hurt feelings than Sokka to death.

“He’ll come around.”

“I hope that he does.”

The sulk in his posture puts a tint over Azula’s happiness. The cabin door closes rather noisily.

“Well that was dramatic.”

“Shut up Zuzu.” She snaps. “You’re pretty dramatic yourself!”

“I’m sticking up for you!”

But it was she who made the first cut. She who did the hurting and heart crushing. “You shouldn’t.” Is all that she says. “I don’t need you to.”

“Whatever.” He grumbles. “I thought that you’d be in a better mood once Sokka got back.”

Azula’s mood plummeted further. “I am.”

Sokka laughs, “you’re really selling it.”

Her expression must be betraying her, or maybe it is that she is gripping her cup and peering into it as though it has some sort of answer, because Sokka’s laughter fades and his expression changes from one brand of soft to another. He rubs her back, between her shoulder blades just like he used to. Like he had the day her mother died and like he did when they stood before the coffin for one final viewing. Azula wishes that she hadn’t gone to it. But she knows that it would do her mother no justice if she shied away from her at the last moment.

“Geez, I didn’t think an expression could get any darker.” Zuko mutters. “And you just called me…”

Katara lifts a hand. “Not now, Zuko. What are you thinking about?”

“Nevermind.” Azula mutters. “I’m going to go give father a break from steering.”

#Avatar The Last Airbender #Azula #Sokka #Sokkla #Zuko #Katara #Zutara #Jet #Ozai #Fanfiction

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thesausagequest · 5 years

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Tonight, we dine in Hell

It has been a while since I sausaged. This isn’t the fault of anyone reading, I have merely taken a sausage sabbatical. It’s maybe your fault, I don’t know you. Is it? That’s disappointing, I have done nothing to you sausagely, as far as I know.

Regardless of whose fault this is and isn’t, I recently joined a surprisingly fragrant friend of mine, let’s call him James, because everyone else seems to, and journeyed to Camden Market in search of nicepipes. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Camden Market, going there at 2pm on a Saturday is as good an idea as saying huh, what’s Pearl Harbour up to, should we just really fuck it up for a bit?

These are the crowds.

An intractable morass of people who can’t walk in straight lines, and whose spatial-awareness is roughly equivalent to that of the Hindenburg. I am hitting the disasters hard today and I don’t know why but stay with me and we’ll see what happens.

Our target was a sausagery of some acclaim that has a stall in the market. I’m not sure if that was already apparent, I am not your sense of perception. Unless I am. In which case, yikes for you.

Having shoulder, elbow and, in James’ case buttock-barged our way through the throng of ‘London is basically a theme park so no laws of etiquette ever could possibly apply’ tourists, and being told by a sign to ‘eat the beat’, which, honestly, isn’t a message I want in a food market. I want to be told ‘our pies are nice’, not to eat sound, which famously isn’t food, this sight hove into view.

Now, I know and you know that the hotdog sign is what I’m referencing, but as an aside, if you’re buying calamari from a place next to the Regents Canal, as hand food, RIP whatever insides you have left because culinary decision-making isn’t your forte. I speak as a man who measures sausages that he eats and who is somehow still walking around looking at things.

We groin-checked our way through the crowd - honestly he’s like a game of Buckaroo I’ve never seen power like it - and joined the line for these supposed hotdogs. The place is called Oh My Dog! so I was already consumed by hatred for the awful pun. They also weren’t cheap.

Listen. If you are charging me £8.50 for a meatpipe and bread, I’d better be able to call it in March so it’ll do my taxes. It had better be capable of establishing complex trade agreements. In the end, James paid and I haven’t paid him back, but he’s a rich number wizard so this is the correct order of things. James. What a silly name.

They also had little plastic replicas of the sausages as if I didn’t know what sausages looked like.

Oh they don’t have feet and a bow tie? No shit, I’ve been eating orphans this entire time for no reason.

Anyway we (James) paid and this was the result of our (his) financial transaction.

A watch strap and a bad, old tattoo. I jest, the sausage was what we bought, I had you fooled because I am a master of illusion and hiding male pattern baldness. This hot dog, the one in the photograph posted mere centimetres above, was...fine. The sausage had barely any flavour, the bread was too doughy, the onions weren’t that crispy and its views on the life and work of Jeanette Winterson were honestly disappointing. She’s a treasure and we must preserve her.

Then it pissed down.

What you see here, is a wet sausage. A damp pipe. A rain rod. Wow that last one needs some workshopping. It rained so much you could smell Camden, and honestly, and I know I’m saying’ honestly’ a lot but it means you have to believe me no backsies, Camden fucking stinks.

And also don’t you DREAM about recycling here on our turf. This is a PRIVATE BIN! NO!

We cowered under a balcony for 20 minutes, eating our depressing dough-lengths - christ, that one as well - and then made a run for it to a pub. I’m not telling you which pub it is my (our) business.

I can tell you that the sausage was longer than the distance between James’ nipples and here is proof since that’s so important to you when you’re here in my house.

He got ketchup on his because he does not sausage correctly but forgive him for that as I did, not everyone sausages terrifically and I spilled mustard on myself in the rain and he didn’t so he has the dexterity required for a true sausage wrangler. I didn’t make that dirty, you did.

All in all, this was fine. It was probably priced correctly given the size, and the man behind the counter was very nice to us. Would I go back? No, I will literally never go back, this was a Great Chicago Fire of an experience, but if they came to my house and said would you like a sausage, I would investigate their intent and then say yes, depending on the outcome of my investigation.

CURRENT LENGTH - WE WERE ON 591CM AND THIS WAS WIDER THAN JAMES’ SAUCER-LIKE NIPPLES WHICH IS WHAT I GUESS THEY LOOK LIKE I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM SO LET’S CALL THIS 606CM WHICH IS ENOUGH TO FELL A LARGE RAM

SAUSAGE RATING - IT WAS EXPENSIVE AND NOT AMAZING BUT I’M GOING TO GIVE IT A 7/10 FOR EFFORT SINCE THEY EFFORTED

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whiskeytangofrogman · 7 years

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100 Questions

Tagged by @bookwyrmling

below the cut

1. Coffee or tea? Tea for like, “I need to be awake but not THAT awake” and coffee for productivity, espresso for college. 2. Black and white or color? both duh 3. Drawings or paintings? I am but a humble wordsmith who loves all art stuff 4. Dresses or skirts? Booooooth 5. Books or movies? Different forms of media that I get different things out of. Movies for fun hangouts, books for interesting discussion. Also for my major lmfao 6. Pepsi or Coke? Dr. Pepper thanks 7. Chinese or Italian? Boooooooooooooooth 8. Early bird or night owl? Neither. Sleep when I need it, up when I’m up 9. Chocolate or vanilla? vaaaniiiilllllaaaaaaa 10. Introvert or extrovert? what is “extrovert”??? no but fr i’m like, 70/30 introvert 11. Hugs or kisses? hugs but only with people i’m like, comfortable with 12. Hunting or fishing? neither thanks 13. Winter or summer? i dont live in montana because i like sunshine and heat, that’s for sure 14. Spring or fall? fall. spring can eat me 15. Rural or urban? Urban please. I live rural-ish now and no thanks 16. PC or Mac? Unix can eat me too 17. Tan or pale? I love being tan but I also hate sun so. That’s a thing 18. Cake or pie? Cake with whipped or cream cheese frosting 19. Ice cream or yogurt? Froyoooo 20. Ketchup or mustard? Mustard hell yeah 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? Pickles, the third thing that can eat me 22. Comedy or mystery? love that comedy. 23. Boots or sandals? boots but also converse 24. Silver or gold? Silver. i’m a good slytherin 25. Pop or Rock? porque no los dos 26. Dancing or singing? I got like, five left feet, so singing. If you ask nicely i might show you a performance or two 27. Checkers or chess? Both 28. Board games or video games? VIDYA GAMES 29. Wine or beer? Eh, depends on mood and what I have, but usually beer 30. Freckles or dimples? I have neither but i love both 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? fuck this question, ew 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? i am asthmatic 33. Baseball or basketball? Baseball I guess? Idk i’m not a Sport 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? Both pls 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? I like stubble but also like, whatever. the earth is doomed keep ur body hair where u want it 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? Crushed fuck yeah 37. Skiing or snowboarding? staying inside and glaring at the snow 38. Smile or game face? why not both 39. Bracelet or necklace? rings 40. Fruit or vegetables? both 41. Sausage or bacon? i’m allergic to pork lmao 42. Scrambled or fried? frieeeeed 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? dark. 44. Tattoos or piercings? tattoos 45. Antique or brand new? does it matter 46. Dress up or dress down? i live in jeans and hoodies what do u think 47. Cowboys or aliens? SPACE WESTERNS 48. Cats or dogs? Cats! 49. Pancakes or waffles? PANCAKES. 50. Bond or Bourne? Kingsman 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? Sci-fi and fantasy. In the same thing 52. Numbers or letters? Letters 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Eh, probably hp 54. Fair or theme park? I’m a hoe for street fairs 55. Money or fame? CHASE THAT PAPER, SON 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? Laundry. I hate wet food 57. Snakes or sharks? both lol 58. Orange juice or apple juice? cranapple for LIFE 59. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset 60. Slacker or over-achiever? Both, somehow. I’m like, a strategic slacker 61. Pen or pencil? Pen 62. Peanut butter or jelly? PB 63. Grammys or Oscars? i honestly don’t know the difference. the only award show i know for sure what it is are the tonys. I think the grammys are music, in which case that? 64. Detailed or abstract? In my life? Detailed. In my reading? Love that abstract 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? turning in an essay 66. Adventurous or cautious? boring 67. Saver or spender? depends 68. Glasses or contacts? Glasses 69. Laptop or desktop? Laptop 70. Classic or modern? depends. modern novels, classic decor 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? gimme that good fooooood 72. Internet or cell phone? cell phone with internet? 73. Call or text? Call for big things, instant message for entertainment, text for only like i’m here texts 74. Curly hair or straight hair? my hair is a mass of curls upon waves upon curls 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? Used to be morning until college, and now it’s evening 76. Spicy or mild? Spicy 77. Marvel or DC? Webcomics 78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? Rent 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? fuck you 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? ew 81. Jello or pudding? ew ew 82. Truth or dare? neither. i am a mystery wrapped inside an enigma 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? ferris wheel if i have to 84. Leather or denim? leather looks cooler, but i wear more denim 85. Stripes or solids? depends 86. Bagels or muffins? depends on my mood 87. Whole wheat or white? whole grain w/nuts 88. Beads or pearls? beads 89. Hardwood or carpet? depends, kitchen and bathroom are tile or hardwood, but i like how carpet feels on my feet 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? both 91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? little older if this also comes with having graduated 92. Raisins or nuts? both. trail mix. GORP 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? Restaurant! 94. Black leather or brown leather? boooooth 95. Long hair or short hair? at the shoulders 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? ?????????? who aims after they fire wtf lmao 97. Fiction or non-fiction? both 98. Smoking or non-smoking? i’m asthmatic 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? how anxious am i at that exact moment lol 100. Asking questions or answering questions? both?

okay @iamneversleepingagain and @smol-lucio its ur turn (if u want to)

#tag game #bookwyrmling #this was........ interesting

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predictableintrovertedchaos · 7 years

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100 this or that tag

Hello everybody!

This is a tag that I found on @seeingeverything‘s blog and we wanted to do this.

INFP

1. Coffee or tea? Tea all the way 2. Black and white or color? Color 3. Drawings or paintings? Paintings 4. Dresses or skirts? Dresses

5. Books or movies? Books 6. Pepsi or Coke? doesn’t matter 7. Chinese or Italian? hmm, Italian? 8. Early bird or night owl? night owl 9. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate 10. Introvert or extrovert? obviously an introvert *hides behind bushes* 11. Hugs or kisses? both? both and many 12. Hunting or fishing? none 13. Winter or summer? Winter all the way 14. Spring or fall? late fall, when it’s almost winter 15. Rural or urban? as long as there are trees around me 16. PC or Mac? PC 17. Tan or pale? tan 18. Cake or pie? cake 19. Ice cream or yogurt? ice cream 20. Ketchup or mustard? mustard 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? dill pickles 22. Comedy or mystery? mystery 23. Boots or sandals? boots 24. Silver or gold? silver 25. Pop or Rock? rock 26. Dancing or singing? singing, but when I am alone (or drunk) it’s both 27. Checkers or chess? chess 28. Board games or video games? video games 29. Wine or beer? beer, I detest the taste of wine 30. Freckles or dimples? freckles 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? BBQ sauce 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? if I had to choose: weight lifting 33. Baseball or basketball? none of these, but maybe football; (also *stares at INTJ* wouldn’t you miss your favourite mug?) 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? crossword puzzles 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? facial hair 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? cubed ice 37. Skiing or snowboarding? going sledding, making snow angels 38. Smile or game face? smile 39. Bracelet or necklace? bracelet 40. Fruit or vegetables? vegetables 41. Sausage or bacon? bacon *heart eyes* 42. Scrambled or fried? scrambled 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? the darker the chocolate, the better 44. Tattoos or piercings? tattoos 45. Antique or brand new? antique 46. Dress up or dress down? dress up 47. Cowboys or aliens? I believe 48. Cats or dogs? cats 49. Pancakes or waffles? waffles 50. Bond or Bourne? Bond 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? Sci-Fi 52. Numbers or letters? letters 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Lord of the Rings ftw 54. Fair or theme park? fair park 55. Money or fame? I don’t wanna be famous 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? washing dishes 57. Snakes or sharks? sharks are cool 58. Orange juice or apple juice? apple juice 59. Sunrise or sunset? sunset 60. Slacker or over-achiever? slacker 61. Pen or pencil? pencil 62. Peanut butter or jelly? meh, none 63. Grammys or Oscars? I don’t watch either 64. Detailed or abstract? abstract 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? essay questions 66. Adventurous or cautious? adventurous at times, but always to shy to do things. I am always up for an adventure, if somebody asks, though. 67. Saver or spender? saver 68. Glasses or contacts? glasses 69. Laptop or desktop? laptop 70. Classic or modern? classic 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? personal chef 72. Internet or cell phone? I couldn’t live without Internet, send help 73. Call or text? always text, if it isn’t neccessary to call 74. Curly hair or straight hair? curly 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? at night 76. Spicy or mild? mild, with hints at spicy 77. Marvel or DC? Marvel 78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? rent 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? i wanna do both and parabolic flight 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? oreos and milk, what is better? 81. Jello or pudding? pudding 82. Truth or dare? truth 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? roller coaster 84. Leather or denim? leather 85. Stripes or solids? stripes 86. Bagels or muffins? muffins 87. Whole wheat or white? whole wheat 88. Beads or pearls? pearls 89. Hardwood or carpet? hardwood 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? neutral tones 91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? just me 92. Raisins or nuts? nuts; I hate raisins 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? I am a sucker for picnics 94. Black leather or brown leather? both 95. Long hair or short hair? long hair 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? the first 97. Fiction or non-fiction? fiction 98. Smoking or non-smoking? non-smoking 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? always think beforehand 100. Asking questions or answering questions? asking them

INTJ

1. Coffee or tea? I like tea. But I’d go to hell and back for coffee. 2. Black and white or color? Black. Without white, please. 3. Drawings or paintings? Paintings. 4. Dresses or skirts? Dresses. 5. Books or movies? Movies. 6. Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Zero, if possible. 7. Chinese or Italian? The food? Chinese. The country, the people, the architecture, the language, the fashion, art, coffee, wine and overall way to live? Italian. 8. Early bird or night owl? Night owl. 9. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. 10. Introvert or extrovert? Who run the world? Introverts. 11. Hugs or kisses? As long as they’re sincere - either. 12. Hunting or fishing? Nah. 13. Winter or summer? Fall, please. 14. Spring or fall? Fall, please. Also, I hate spring. 15. Rural or urban? Give me the biggest city you can find to wander and I’ll be happy. 16. PC or Mac? PC. 17. Tan or pale? Whatever. 18. Cake or pie? Cake. 19. Ice cream or yogurt? Frozen yogurt, anyone? 20. Ketchup or mustard? Nah. 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? Nah uh. 22. Comedy or mystery? Yes. 23. Boots or sandals? Boots. 24. Silver or gold? Silver. 25. Pop or Rock? Rock. 26. Dancing or singing? singing, but when I am alone (or drunk) it’s both (No, I did not steal this from INFP, how dare you.) 27. Checkers or chess? What even is checkers...? 28. Board games or video games? Video games. 29. Wine or beer? Hm... Hmm... Hmmm... Wine. 30. Freckles or dimples? Dimples on a cute guy make me die a thousand deaths, so... dimples. 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? Honey mustard. 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? Does a coffee mug count as weights? 33. Baseball or basketball? Does a coffee mug count as a baseball? 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? Crossword puzzles. 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? Clean shaven. 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? Cubed ice. 37. Skiing or snowboarding? Does a coffee mug... I’ll just not answer the sports related questions, how ‘bout that. 38. Smile or game face? Game face. 39. Bracelet or necklace? Necklace. 40. Fruit or vegetables? Fruit. 41. Sausage or bacon? Bacon. Duh. 42. Scrambled or fried? Scrambled. 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? Dark. But it’s chocolate, so any, really. 44. Tattoos or piercings? Tattoos. 45. Antique or brand new? How can you ask me such a question without context? Is it technology? Is it art? Is it my brain, exploding from this question? 46. Dress up or dress down? Dress down. 47. Cowboys or aliens? Aliens. 48. Cats or dogs? Cats. 49. Pancakes or waffles? Pancakes. 50. Bond or Bourne? Bond. *gimme* 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? Sci-Fi. 52. Numbers or letters? Numbers. 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? LotR a thousand times. 54. Fair or theme park? Fair park. 55. Money or fame? Money. 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? Hm... laundry. 57. Snakes or sharks? Sharks. 58. Orange juice or apple juice? Apple juice. 59. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset. 60. Slacker or over-achiever? Depends 100 % on the moon phase. 61. Pen or pencil? Pen. 62. Peanut butter or jelly? Peanut butter! 63. Grammys or Oscars? Oscars. 64. Detailed or abstract? Abstract. 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? Multiple choice. 66. Adventurous or cautious? I wouldn’t jump off a cliff if that’s what you’re asking. Unless it’s in Hannibal’s arms. 67. Saver or spender? I have no idea. 68. Glasses or contacts? Glasses. 69. Laptop or desktop? Laptop. 70. Classic or modern? Modern. 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? Personal chef. 72. Internet or cell phone? Wait what? What kind of cell phone doesn’t have internet nowadays? 73. Call or text? Text. Duh. 74. Curly hair or straight hair? Straight. 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? If there’s time, in the morning. 76. Spicy or mild? Mild. 77. Marvel or DC? Marvel. 78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? Rent. 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? Neither. Unless it’s in Hannibal’s arms. 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? I never had Chips Ahoy but they look pretty nice. 81. Jello or pudding? Pudding. 82. Truth or dare? Truth. 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? Roller coaster... I think. 84. Leather or denim? Leather all day every day. 85. Stripes or solids? Solids. 86. Bagels or muffins? Muffins. 87. Whole wheat or white? Whole wheat. 88. Beads or pearls? Pearls. 89. Hardwood or carpet? Hardwood. 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? See question 2. 91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? Neither. But if I’d have to choose - older. 92. Raisins or nuts? Nuts. 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? Nice restaurants, I think. 94. Black leather or brown leather? See question 90. 95. Long hair or short hair? Whatever. 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? What kind of stupid question is this. 97. Fiction or non-fiction? Fiction. 98. Smoking or non-smoking? Non-smoking. 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? Cogito ergo sum. 100. Asking questions or answering questions? Answering them, raising them on the way.

Now, that was interesting. Are you up for it guys’n’gals? @caffeinated-esfp, @shotgunbarbie, @do-you-even-write-bro, @one-intp-girl. Also, every other person who comes along this.

Feel free to join in and don’t forget to tag us, if you come across one of these, they’re hella fun to answer.

Have a nice day.<3 - INFP Until further notice. - INTJ

#mbti #myers briggs #mbti types #intj #infp #tag games #100 this or that #100 #this or that #intp #infj #entp #entj #enfp #enfj #estj #esfp #esfj #estp #istp #istj #isfj #isfp

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drmaqazi · 5 years

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20 THINGS FORBIDDEN BY HOLY BIBLE

Everyone tries his or her best to be a good person. But, unfortunately, it turns out you could be disobeying God Almighty, the big guy in the sky every single day without even knowing it. In fact, from getting inked to shaving your beard, here are 20 things you probably didn’t even realize are forbidden by the Bible.

1. Checking people out

Single or not, everyone checks people out from time to time. It’s human nature. Big surprise: the Bible doesn’t like it, not one little bit. In fact, Matthew 5:28 says you’re basically a filthy cheater if you so much as look at someone else. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

2. Not sharing food

Leviticus 19:10 decrees, “Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the foreigner.” And we can probably interpret that as yes, the Bible does want you to share your fries.

3. Getting remarried

This time we turn to the New Testament, where a little gem can be found in Matthew 19:9, “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Great, so everyone who gets divorced is just supposed to be sad and alone forever. Thanks a bunch, Bible.

4. Stepping on the property ladder

More words of wisdom from Leviticus 25:23 here, “The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers.” Look, the Bible is just plain weird sometimes. If it says you can’t buy a house, then just don’t do it. You’re risking the wrath of God or whatever.

5. Touch steaks

According to Leviticus 5:2, “Suppose you unknowingly touch something that is ceremonially unclean, such as the carcass of an unclean animal. When you realize what you have done, you must admit your defilement and your guilt.” So next time you’re handling steaks for the grill, make sure you admit your guilt or you could be risking eternal damnation.

6. Want other people’s stuff

Food envy, clothes envy, general FOMO. Being envious of what other people have is an unfortunate aspect of our social media-fueled modern lives. And one of the Bible’s ten commandments says, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house… or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox.” Okay, so you might not be coveting an ox these days but the point stands.

7. Tearing up your jeans

Leave it to Leviticus to ruin our fun. And this time it’s got its sights on our jeans – or all clothes, to be specific. Leviticus 10:6 states, “Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die.” So no more stylishly ripping your denim, or, you know… death.

8. Hold grudges

Being bitter and slightly passive-aggressive because your other half left the toilet seat up/down again is one of life’s miserable little joys. Enter the Bible. Leviticus 19:18 states, “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love thy neighbor as yourself.” Sigh.

9. Dissing the elderly

Okay, we’ve got to hand it to the Bible on this one. Our society doesn’t always treat older people with the respect and admiration they deserve. And so we’d have to agree with Leviticus 19:32 which reads, “Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God.” Word.

10. Spinning a little white lie

Whether we admit it or not, telling lies is an everyday activity for a lot of us. But hey, guess what? The Bible says it’s wrong. Check out Leviticus 19:11, “Do not deceive or cheat one another.” This time, however, the Bible just might have a point. With all the fake news and post-truth “facts” out there, we could all do with doing a little less lying.

11. Disrespecting your parents

Exodus 21:17 decrees, “And he that corset his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.” Basically that means the Bible says you can’t argue with your parents or call them names when you’re angry. Is nothing sacred?

12. Flashing your finery

The Old Testament even has rules about which kind of jewelry is acceptable and which will damn you to Hell. For example, Timothy 2:9 states, “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.” Kind of makes you want to wear all your jewelry at once, doesn’t it?

13. Enjoying most seafood

Fancy some mussels? How about some sea-fresh lobster? Too bad, Bible says no. In the book of Leviticus 10:11 (where else?) we find, “And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the water, and of any living thing which is in the water, they shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh.”

14. Munching on crispy bacon

Put down that BLT; the Bible doesn’t like it. And it’s not just bacon that the Old Testament doesn’t like you putting on your table either. According to the Bible, you can’t eat sausages, pork chops, and trotters – any part of the pig. Leviticus 11:7-8 lays down the law by saying, “You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.”

15. Constant gossiping

Gossiping about co-workers, acquaintances, and Z-list celebrities: it’s one of the simple pleasures of life. And one that the Bible is trying to take away from us. Leviticus 19:16 says, “Thou shalt not go about as a talebearer among thy people…” But come on, “going about as a talebearer” sounds really fun.

16. Layering your clothes

“But layering is so on trend right now,” we hear you cry. Well, too bad. You can’t layer your favorite wool sweater under a sharp white shirt anymore. The Bible says so. Leviticus 19:19 reads, “You shall not… wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”

17. Daily beard grooming

The Old Testament definitely frowns upon regular beard upkeep – or any beard grooming, to be precise. Indeed, Leviticus 21:5 states, “They shall not make any baldness on their heads, nor shave off the edges of their beards.” There are going to be so many upset hipsters out there…

18. Feasting on bloody burgers

The Bible is arguably so fond of fire, brimstone and general gore that this one comes as a bit of a surprise. And yet Leviticus 3:17 reads, “It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that you eat neither fat nor blood.” So put down the dirty burger and pick up a courgetti spiralizer instead.

19. Getting inked

Leviticus 19:23 reads, “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves.” So if you’ve got an ill-advised lower back tattoo then you’re making God mad – as well as your mom.

20. Working way more than 9 to 5

Lots of us have a sneaky check of our work email on a Sunday. It’s a fact of modern living. And yet Exodus 31: 14-15 reads, “For six days work is to be done, but the seventh day is a day of Sabbath rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death.” Explain that to your boss.

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geekade · 7 years

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Before Their Time: Action

What’s the collective noun for a clawing herd of shameless assholes who will do anything to make a buck? That’s a trick question, of course, because the answer depends on where you ask: In the Northeast, it’s Wall Street. In the Mid-Atlantic, it’s DC. And in Southern California, it’s Hollywood.

Whatever you call them, shameless people – however hateful, venal, and shallow – are pretty funny. The Wolf of Wall Street was rich with comic moments, Veep continues to vacuum up Emmys, and reality TV is still a thing. Clearly there’s something to be said for the entertainment value of moral bankruptcy (as long as it doesn’t cost spectators anything). So today, Before Their Time will be revisiting a show that figured this out just a little too early, a one-season wonder that flowered into malevolent bloom before withering on its own poisonous vine. Today, you’re going to get some Action.

Action was a sitcom about the business of making movies. Jay Mohr starred as producer Peter Dragon, founder and resident raging asshole of Dragonfire Films. Dragonfire specializes in action flicks – light on plot, heavy on artillery. The formula is reliable until the day it isn’t: when Peter’s newest film (Slow Torture) flops, studio executives stop returning his calls and – worse – a fashionable restaurant starts refusing to seat him. Flailing to recoup his status and his company’s funds, Peter buys a screenplay whose author turns out to be not the hoped-for Alan Rifkin but the less-experienced, similarly-named Adam Rafkin (Jarrad Paul) and finds himself stuck with the rights to something called Beverly Hills Gun Club. If he ever wants to be taken seriously again, Peter must round up investors, a cast, and a director to film a movie whose climactic battle takes out hundreds of zoo animals (and, one presumes, the bad guys, unless the bad guys in question ARE the zoo animals).

youtube

WE ARE THE DANGER

Neither the script’s content nor Dragonfire’s previous box office flop can tempt anyone reputable (or sensible) to touch the project, and Peter embarks on a series of deals with devils he doesn’t know. This goes about as well as you would imagine: The director – their last choice – won’t stop talking about his enemas, the lead actor has a drug problem, the lead actress wants the crew to look away while filming her, and one of the investors tries to purchase Peter’s 10-year-old daughter. But Peter never says die. This tenacity is the closest thing he has to a redeemable quality, and it makes his otherwise antiheroic lurches from one catastrophe to the next consistently entertaining.

Peter is supported in this quixotic endeavor by his deadpan Uncle Lonnie (Buddy Hackett), who works as his driver and head of security, Stuart Glazer (Jack Plotnick), Dragonfire’s long-suffering President of Production, and Wendy Ward (Illeana Douglas), Dragonfire’s newly-installed Vice President of Production. Wendy provides most of the show’s human touch, such as it is; her previous career as a sex worker equipped her to deal with Hollywood’s monsters without turning her into one. This also means nothing surprises her, and unflappability is a valuable skill in a business that is more sordid (and hilarious) than even the most cynical detractor of the entertainment industry could imagine. I do mean that literally. The show’s creators cribbed many gags from their own experiences with A-listers (who, disappointingly, remain anonymized). Although these gags are funny on their own merits, knowing that, say, an argument about codpiece size actually happened on a real movie set does add a note of schadenfreude-y frisson to the proceedings.

Verisimilitude aside, Action was never going to last very long. The show’s writers and producers clashed with network censors (Fox, who else?) on everything from swearing to fellatio, and reviewers dismissed the series as mean-spirited. Its most profane moments seem quaint now, but in 1999 they challenged a network TV ethos still skittish about so much as alluding to adult themes. If you’re too young to remember TV in the 90s, let’s just say pearls were still being clutched over one half of Will & Grace’s titular duo being an out gay man.

Ultimately, I think Action’s creators miscalculated their audience’s tolerance not for profanity but for inside baseball. The show struggled to find viewers; network audiences either weren’t ready to see how big-budget sausage gets made or they just didn’t care to watch. In a few more years, viewers would develop an appetite for the risqué and the profane: Action would be right at home alongside the pole-dancing on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and the streams of profanity on Hell’s Kitchen. If nothing else, it performed the brief but necessary function of a flash-in-the-pan envelope pusher, nudging open windows through which later shows could slip edgier gags. Although it wasn’t quite as funny or brutal, Action prefigured the barbed behind-the-scenes honesty that made Arrested Development and Veep such hits. Sure, it got folks hot and bothered before leaving them unsatisfied, but that’s what happens when your Action comes too soon.

HOW TO WATCH: The complete show is available on DVD and iTunes or streaming on Amazon and Hulu.

MUST WATCH: If you watch only one episode, the series finale, “The Last Ride of the Elephant Princess,” sums up everything that is wrong with big-budget productions.

FAVORITE LINES: “This is where the magic happens!”

“You’re pitching me OJ Simpson?!?” “Every kid knows his name!” “Yeah, every kid knows to stay away from him!”

“You’re threatening me? That’s a laugh...I’m 79 years old. I’ve got one kidney, one ball and one lung. I take Viagra just to keep from peeing on my shoes, and you’re threatening me? Who are you frightening?”

PAIR WITH: Lots of hard alcohol, and possibly coke.

WATCH FOR: In spite of its brevity, Action scored cameos from a number of 90s celebrities, most of whom appeared as themselves. Notable appearances include Keanu Reeves, Salma Hayek, Sandra Bullock, Scott Wolf, Tony Hawk, and David Hasselhoff(!).

AFTERWARDS: If Veep is more verisimilitude than you can handle right now, re-watch Arrested Development.

#TV #articles

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