#Or have to spend energy the whole night trying to regulate my emotions

[whoatemyshoe]

Skipping an important party bc someone who emotionally abused me, another who emotionally manipulated me, and another who cheated on me, are attending too. I want to scream

[goldkirk]

in your Doctor Wayne AU do you think Bruce has to start turning the WiFi off at night to keep Tim from staying up

I think he absolutely does. @quilliumwrites has written two UNBELIEVABLY GORGEOUS ONESHOTS within that universe that make me cry repeatedly and the most recent one has this excellent little bit that I’m gonna lift real quick to quote here:

Dinner, as always, is a rowdy affair.

Tim spends most of it trying to convince Bruce to let him use his 3DS whenever he wants as opposed to the 10am to 9pm rule (“I’m a grown person, B!”), Bruce sighs and tries valiantly not to be whittled down (“remember that week that you spent playing Bravely Default where you got 6 hours of sleep over the course of seven days and you nearly ended up in the ER?”).

Steph tries not to laugh when she overhears them because Tim, being terribly honest, never says anything along the lines of ‘I have better self control now’.

He knows full well that the sleepless incident will be repeated.

“If you can’t take care of your body,” Bruce says, clearly trying to restrain himself from pointing a spoonful of mashed potato at Tim, “Then it’s my duty to do my best to make sure you’re getting enough rest.”

“But you let Dick use the gym at any hours now! Since you’ve lifted his restrictions, it’s only fair that you lift mine.”

“Dick told me that he can control himself and get rest when he needs it. Can you do the same?”

Tim’s sullen silence makes the table laugh.

It’s beautiful, and I love it, and quill just so perfectly captured the Bruce and Tim of this universe--Tim’s very smart and determined and willing to argue his points and be stubborn about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s always RIGHT lol. And Bruce loves his kids and wants them to be happy, and will do a lot to make that happen, but not at the expense of their health and well-being. Bruce will do whatever he needs to to make sure they take care of themselves properly, and step in to do it for them when they need him to. 

So in Tim’s case--he’s got a lot of issues from being raised the way he was, and they don’t go away quickly, and some of them are going to be much longer term struggles. He’s come really far by the time we see the fic that this is from, but he still has sleep issues, still has issues with stopping or regulating his schedule or attention, and Bruce knows that and factors that into their lives. He doesn’t make Tim feel bad about it, and none of the family thinks any less of Tim for it or whatever. It’s just one of the many things they work with and around as a team--Tim’s sleep issues, Dick’s restless energy and occasional Big Outburst Days, Damian’s conditioning and issues with emotions, Jason’s extra vulnerability to viruses and his Celiac disease, different kids’ food allergies or intolerances, everyone’s various traumas and their ways of acting on their particular Bad Days, etc. etc. etc.

Bruce will do whatever he needs to to make sure Tim at least has the best CHANCE at sleeping, whether or not the kid actually CAN fall asleep that particular night. They’ll work out compromises as a team--Tim stays in bed, Bruce lets him read for twenty minute stints at a time if he really can’t sleep. The internet and all screen devices stay off, but Tim can have pre-made chill playlists of calm songs and nature sounds on an old iPod Shuffle if he wants. No food after x time, no caffeine past 10 AM in the morning, and not more than 2 drinks a day. Wifi shuts off for the whole house at 9 PM, so that Tim can’t be tempted to just sneak someone else’s device or one he borrows from school. Things like that. :) 

[lejoursdor]

I feel so fucking violated.

For the last few weeks my landlord has been harassing me - passive aggressively texting me about things that could and should be taken care of after a single conversation but instead were drawn out through multiple, long, inappropriate (not to mention rude) texts at ALL hours of the day (including 3 different instances between 2-4 AM). I have had to put my phone on DND just so I could get some sleep/peace of mind at night because I have been having sleeping problems for MONTHS due to my autoimmune disease/fibromyalgia and most recently good ol’ fashion insomnia. 

I thought this morning the whole situation was finally over and that I could finally move on and focus on centering my self and nothing else today. I was unexpectedly forced to go off my depression/anxiety meds due to issues with my insurance and have been working HARD for the last month to monitor and work through the side effects that stopping that kind of medication can cause. Luckily, I had started back on birth control a month or so prior so my hormones were already in the process of getting regulated so it hasn’t been THAT bad. I only had maybe 2 days where things were scary/alarming. But otherwise it has been okay considering. A lot of bursting into tears and taking much longer to bounce back from negativity entering my life (AKA: my landlord) but I’ve been praying no sort of suicidal tendencies/ideations spring up but so far okay but I’m still on high alert just in case.

So since this drama was seemingly over and she would have literally NO REASON to contact me, at least for the day - I decided I would make today a ME day. To try to get me back on track as much as possible. I went to the pharmacy to try to straighten out some stuff with my meds but there was a setback and it’s gonna be a little bit trickier for me to get back on my anxiety/depression meds than previously thought. But I wasn’t feeling defeated so I switched gears and chose to decompress and get all the bad energy out. Maybe after 30 mins of leaving my place, I come back from the pharmacy to check my phone and i have two texts from her about the electricity temporarily being turned off & some other unimportant shit. Quickly texted that I wasn't home yada yada didn’t care byeeee. 

Shortly after I started to drive around aimlessly and listen to music. I drove through my high school best friend’s old neighborhood, by her old house and down the street to the park we used to always go to. I parked and sat there in my car for maybe 45 minutes. Just thinking of what my life has been for the last 15 years since I first went to that park. That no matter how many years have past, I still feel everything from back then, I still feel her. That I will always love and miss who she was in that snapshot in time even though I know she is no longer that person, without even having to know who she is now. That this void that she left can never be filled again, not even by her because that person, the person that I formed quite possibly the closest bond I’ve ever made - is gone. She’s so gone, she may as well have died. It happens and is a part of life and I’ve long since accepted it but that doesn't mean it doesn’t still break my heart. 

After the park I made my way to the city where my mother grew up and unintentionally ended up in the neighborhood of my grandmother’s old house. Maybe I wasn’t cognizant of what I was doing in the moment but maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I purposely led myself there. As soon as I saw the sign for Kelley Ave. i immedietely started tearing up and I just needed to see the house. Even if it doesn’t look the same, even if someone else lives there now. I drove by and it set off a bunch of emotions at once. Every couple of years I hit this point where i really miss her. The last time it was like this was my 25th birthday that I ended up spending alone. On my way home it was like a dam had burst and I couldn’t stop crying. I got home and decided I would take the rest of the afternoon to go for a walk, focus on getting through my emotions in peace. I walked to a park not too far. I ended up laying down, listening to music and bawling my eyes out. I started running all these memories of her through my mind. I wouldn’t say I came to the realization but in reflecting on the last 15 years it’s become glaringly apparent that the only safe space I’ve ever had was with her, in that house. Not the one I grew up in and definitely not where I am now. I kept trying to imagine what it would be like for 31 year old me to be able to show up at her house, walk through the door, into her kitchen, straight towards the sun soaked living room where she would be sitting in front of the glass coffee table like she always was. She’d probably be writing on napkins in Japanese, with the TV on, not watching what was on. I would sit down next to her and hug her and she would hug me back and tap my shoulder and say “Hi Chantel.” like she used to, in her strong accent, with her warm smile. And we would sit next to each other in comfortable silence like we always did and I would watch her as she scrawled her native language on leftover McDonald’s napkins. My grandmother was and still is the only family member of mine that I was ever allowed to be myself in her presence. Maybe it was a cultural thing, it just never crossed her mind that I needed to change/fit a particular mold because it wasn’t an idealogy she was familiar with, unlike my ant’s, parents, uncle’s etc. We had a great relationship, I was her first grandchild and I know that had a lot to do with it. I knew her relationship with my mom and my ant’s/uncle’s were more complicated, so not everyone has the same feelings about her as I do. But I was her favorite and she was mine and it is the only time I have ever been anyone’s favorite. She died when I was 14, she’s been gone for basically half my life now but I still would give anything to see her now and I don’t think I will ever get used to her being gone, no matter how long. All I want is to be next to her, we don’t even need to talk, I just want her to be able to be here now. I miss her so much, all I want is the chance to be with her again...

After an hour or so I walked back and started to feel a little better. Maybe not better but felt like I was able to let a lot out. All I wanted to do was go home, wind down and salvage the rest of the day and indulge in much needed self care. Where I currently stay, I have my own separate entrance attached to the main house but in order to get to my entrance I have to pass by the front of the house which currently has one of those doorbell’s with a camera attached that alerts people on their phone when there is any movement. I unlock my door and get inside. I literally put my keys, phone etc down and maybe 5 seconds pass since I’ve gotten inside and a text pops up from my landlord. 

“Nothing like fresh air for the soul! Hope your feeling better. I have good and bad days too!” 

I think this is the only moment I've ever wanted to murder someone.

I just came back from spending two hours mourning my dead grandmother, after a day filled with repressed emotions coming to the surface due to an awful few weeks (mostly due to my landlord) and I can't even come home with the expectation that I wouldn’t be bothered by her for the rest of the night. 

Today was just not the day. 

Not the time, place or her business. 

I feel like I have no peace anymore, the little I was able to grasp on to.

She has stolen it from me with her unchecked neurosis, constantly invading common boundaries. 

I’m at my wits end, truly. And I’m not sure what to do.

AND GODDAMN. I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THIS FUCKING POST WITHOUT MY PHONE NOTIFYING ME I’VE GOTTEN A TEXT FROM HER.

GTHGTYYJ$%$%$$#$#!@@@@!!!

(Insert the dog surrounded by fire “I’m fine” meme) 

Singing off with whatever’s left of my sanity.

xx. 

[drones-of-innocence]

Has anyone requested Mario x Peach for the ask yet? Because I am! Yahoo!!!

I will gladly do Mario x Peach!! This one got pretty long, sorry about that!

Who was the one to propose: 

Mario did!! Technically he did in canon already haha, but I think he’s got the heart and the showmanship to put together a proper proposal for his Princess. It was adorable; he caught her completely by surprise, because she figured if he was going to ask, it was going to be before all their friends as the center piece for a wonderful celebration. Instead, he was quite simple about it. She recognized his nerves. His hands trembled just the slightest, his voice caught in his throat, and his breath seemed to shudder whenever he addressed her. Still, when he invited her to the lake on a lovely summer evening, she had no idea what his plans were. They often spent their evenings alone together anyway, whether it be on the lakeside or on her balcony. They were dating, after all. The fireflies came out just when the stars did. She should have known he would have asked her in his own simple, charming way. Mario cleared his throat, and spoke briefly of the future. He couldn’t manage to give a long, elaborate speech like he thought he should. So instead, he got down on one knee, and offered the ring. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, my Princess. Will you marry me?”

Who stressed more over wedding planning:

Again, this one has to go to Mario. Peach has no qualms about being under the spotlight, speaking in public, or organizing large events. Mario, on the other hand, didn’t even know where to begin, especially with Toadsworth stressing him out over proper behavior and manners at a royal wedding. He was going to marry a whole entire Princess!! The only person possibly more stressed than Mario had to be Luigi, who’s extreme sense of empathy went out to his poor brother. Both of them were just two little balls of nervous energy during the planning. 

Who decorated the house:

So they don’t technically live together? I see Mario splitting his time between the castle and his house, but Peach can’t exactly leave her castle whenever she pleases. But she does visit. If they could have a house together, I see Mario as the one who could put a room together. Neither of them are master interior designers, but Mario has at least had experience, having moved between several apartments in he and Luigi’s past. If Peach were in charge, she would hire someone else to do it more likely than not. But Mario, being somewhat of a penny pincher by habit, would rather take care of things like that himself.

Who does the cooking:

Luigi does the cooking! Just kidding haha, but Peach has food provided for her whenever she pleases. In the Mario household, Mario cooks breakfast, and Luigi, self proclaimed as “il maestro della cena,” will not allow anyone else to cook dinner. So when Peach visits, or even when the brothers visit the castle, he insists on taking over the kitchen. He’s more than happy to cook for his family; he was very thrilled to be the first to point out that now he is Peach’s brother-in-law.

Who is more organized:

So Peach is more organized in the classical sense; her room is always very tidy, her notes very easy to read, handwriting neat. She has lists and agendas and calendars and journals galore. But Mario is organized in a different way; his thoughts can be very scattered, but he is excellent at mobilizing/organizing emergency responses, prioritizing and getting things done. In the event of a disaster, Mario is your man. He can literally survive in the wilderness with nothing but his wits. He naturally regulates his own sleeping and eating habits, which he can adjust and adapt to his situation as need be. 

Who initiates bedroom fun:

Okay, so...I made a vow that I would never publicly do or make anything NSFW for characters that belong to a franchise aimed at children, even discuss headcanons. So I will construe the meaning. Peach and Mario have lots of fun in her bedroom because it’s sort of closed off from the rest of the world. They can read, relax, nap, whatever you can think of. It’s a sort of safe haven for them. Peach is often the one who suggests going back to her room, as Mario is too polite to be the one to bring it up. The proposal alarmed him at first, as the bedroom in his world was a very different place than it is to him now.

Who suggested kids first:

Peach suggested children! This was to Mario’s shock, as he never thought he would ever really have the privilege of being a father. Mario, over a good deal of time, taught her about conventional family values on his world. He mused to her, seeing similar values echoed in the Mushroom Kingdom, that survival of the species definitely has something to do with it. But something about the way he spoke inspired her to wonder what she would be like as a mother. She knew all along he would be a good father; he’s excellent with children and he clearly loves having them around. But she wanted to experience what he spoke about, how a mother’s love is stronger than anything he’s ever seen.

Who’s more dominant:

It’s about 60/40 with Peach often being the more dominant one. She’s the sole monarch of an entire Kingdom, so she’s used to taking charge. Mario, who drinks more than his share of respect women juice, doesn’t mind in the least. He defers to her often, and actually prefers for her to make the difficult choices. The only time he’s the one making decisions is when it comes to adventures and survival, where his leadership shines.

Who’s the cuddler:

Mario! Mario loves cuddles; as he’s often fighting off enemies and running into not-so-friendly people, he doesn’t get much tender contact. Hugging Luigi used to be the only way he could meet those emotional needs. But with the Princess, he can get all that he could ever want. He’ll never admit it to anyone else, but he adores being the little spoon. He feels completely surrounded by her, and safe. He doesn’t often get to feel completely secure in that way. Of course, he’s also more than happy to provide her with that security too. Even before their relationship, Peach liked to sit close to Mario; his Firebrand makes his body unnaturally warm, so he’s nice to be close to.

What’s their favorite non-sexual activity:

If not cuddles, then baking! Both of them adore sweets of all kinds. It was one of the things that allowed them to bond so quickly and so closely. Peach is fantastic at baking, and Mario always provides the best feedback to her creations. He can bake, too; he enjoys making his favorite Italian sweets for her. 

Who comes home drunk at 3am:

Well, honestly I can’t fathom a world where either of them would do this. Peach has too much responsibility toward her Kingdom, and Mario likes to be in control of all his faculties. Now, this doesn’t mean the brothers don’t get a little buzzed sometimes; you know how much Italians like their wine. It’s just another way the brothers can relax and have fun in the privacy and safety of their home. So they might invite the Princesses over for a night of board or card games and wine. Just adults being silly, nothing crazy. Mario notably becomes a wonderfully sensitive romantic singer once he’s had some to drink, but he also forgets to speak English when that happens. His entire goal becomes making everyone laugh as much as possible. This is also the sort of scene where Mario and Luigi act out games like ‘The floor is lava,’ ‘Don’t let the balloon touch the floor,’ or they literally pretend they’re in a war zone and one of them ‘dies’ dramatically while the other is like “sometimes I can still hear his voice.”

Who kills the spiders:

Mario will fight anything to protect his Princess. But Peach doesn’t like to kill anything. This means Mario does this weird thing where he tries to intimidate the spider into leaving, reason with it, something, until Peach reminds him that he can just take it outside.

Who falls asleep first:

Mario can literally fall asleep anytime, anywhere. If you leave him idle long enough, just like in the games, he might nod off. Normally, he’s very goal driven, like when he’s trying to rescue Peach. But focusing that long and hard is very tiring. He gets rest when he can, because he doesn’t know when he’ll have to go without it next.

Their relationship summed up in a gif:

So this is Sheeta and Pazu, from my favorite movie of all time; Castle in the Sky. These two capture Mario and Princess Peach, I think, because of their persistent optimism and hope throughout the film. And their sheer joy! Look at that, they embrace each other with such fervor and relief that they’re safe and that they made it to their goal! Pazu is such a wholesome sweetheart who prioritizes Sheeta’s safety, and does whatever he feels like he can to protect her. Sheeta does the same, albeit in more thoughtful and clever ways. As Pazu put it, “if my head were any harder, you could use it as a cannonball.” That pretty much sums up Mario and his headstrong nature. Sheeta wants the best for everyone, and does not hesitate to put herself in direct harm’s way if it means sparing those who she loves. She gives herself up repeatedly, hoping it would save Pazu. And Pazu, from the moment he saw her, wouldn’t let her go on alone. Their dynamic is very similar to Mario and Peach; they both want to do the right thing, and they can’t do it without each other.

Thanks so much for the ask!!

[rowanfoster]

{ odeya rush ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥

[a-woman-apart]

Trusting Myself More and More

TW: suicidal ideation

Just a reminder—if you are thinking about self-harming or taking your own life, there are lots of resources available. I will list the two main ones here.

Crisis text (U.S.): 741 741

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

I just realized that I haven’t written a journal-type post on here for a while, so I am going to take a stab at it.

So much has happened. Today I will be attending my Bipolar Support Group and a therapy session that is long overdue. I’m still doing my level best to be at my Bipolar Support Group twice a week, but I always make it at least once a week as long as I’m not out of town. The resources that have been provided recently have been amazing. A lot of the material we are currently using comes from a website for Self Esteem Anonymous. I know that the site looks really outdated and some places don’t have SEA groups, but the resources on the website are invaluable. I highly recommend it if you have issues with self-esteem or emotional regulation, even if you don’t fully buy into the 12-step “higher power” emphasis.

I spent one week in the hospital earlier this month. I found out earlier that morning that there were some issues with my cars and repairs would be in excess of $300. Due to my situation, that might as well have been $3 million. I was afraid/ashamed to ask my family for help.

While that definitely wasn’t why I was hospitalized, it played a role. I went through work that day in a daze. The moment I got there, I thought, “As soon as I’m done, I’m going to get an evaluation. I don’t feel right.” This was on a Friday and after hours so I knew my regular clinic would be closed. I went to the after-hours clinic and they recommended that I be evaluated by someone at inpatient, because the after-hours clinic intake process would take over 2 hours, and by then they would be closing and unable to help me further.

So, I went ahead and packed a small bag of clothes and necessities and my phone charger. I could not explain it, but I knew that I could not remain at the house alone. I didn’t trust myself to be safe. I thought multiple times about calling my mom, but I knew it would take her 2+ hours to get to me and I really did not trust myself to last safely until then. I did not know whether the intake specialist would recommend me for admission, but I still wanted to be ready.

Intermission: I have been terrified of being re-institutionalized for years. I had not been to a mental hospital in 6+ years. Everything I was taught was that every time you become unstable and return to the hospital, your level of functioning becomes lower and lower. You lose your independence and autonomy and it becomes that much harder to re-engage with life outside the hospital. Maybe I misheard that—maybe this is only if you aren’t taking your medicine properly (I was) and you have to come down from a severe manic, depressive, or psychotic state. Either way, I took it to heart, maybe more than I should have.

Ultimately, the hospital did very little for me. It was incredibly loud, which only made my insomnia worse, despite the medicine they gave me to treat the insomnia. The food was horrible most of the time, and so it did not encourage my already poor appetite. We have to get special doctor permission to use our own hygiene products—as I suspected—and all I wanted was my deodorant, but it was never given to me and I had to use the one they provided. I didn’t bring my birth control pills, but if I had I think there was probably some red tape to get through and it has to be taken in a timely manner. If not, you have to start a new pack and they do not provide new packs in there (which I think is a travesty). It was primarily for regulating my period, so of course coming off of it messed up my hormones. The anxiety medication they gave me made me more anxious. I had to meet with my outpatient psychiatrist to get everything corrected.

The hospital really only had one purpose in my mind, though: keep me in an environment where I could not—or would not-- harm myself.

In that, it was a perfect success. When I was talking to my brother and his family on the phone, I just felt so inspired. I really would have missed it all. I cannot even begin to fathom how horrible it would be if my nephew was asking where I was, and I wasn’t able to tell him. Or, if my Mom had to bury another child, especially with there being so many unanswered questions. My whole family—siblings and all—would’ve wondered, “Why didn’t she just talk to us?”

When I was in the hospital, I made a list of goals. This is nothing spectacular or remarkable. I am a list-making queen. However, I did notice some things coming to the top of my list. Quitting my job, attending school in 2020, having healthy boundaries with others, etc. Some of them were more abstract, but some of them could be put into action right away.

So, I gave in my two weeks’ notice even though I had nothing lined up. I kept the details of my hospitalization to myself from most co-workers, but I was very candid and open with management about what happened. I thought it was foolish to hide because my doctor’s note had the hospital name on it, and if it was viewed with any scrutiny at all they could easily work out what had happened. Also, I wanted to be honest, because I wanted them to know that I really do love all the staff and I like serving the patrons, but it is really just time for me to move on to something new.

It was really scary, taking that leap, with nothing lined up and myself still so fatigued. Without going into details, though, I will say that I do now have a job lined up—one that is part-time and low-stress—that will take me at least into January. I am leaving the apartment and I am being offered a safe place at a low cost by a friend of mine. In January, I will start my classes at a new university—one that is much smaller and more affordable than the 30,000+ campuses all around.

My life was a big question mark when I left the hospital. My main goal had been to just make more money so I could pay the skyrocketing costs of living in my apartment and reclaim my financial independence. I have received nothing but silence from nearly all of the full-time jobs I pursued. There was no “sorry we can’t offer you this job” or on the opposite spectrum, requests for interview. It was the weirdest thing. Just silence.

I know I have emphasized that I do not think that things are predetermined or foreordained. I just think that life is chaotic, but sometimes it forms itself into orderly patterns. You have to flow with the moving energies of life, rather than resisting them. As Don Estill said, “You don’t need to suffer. If something is not working, try something else.” I was desperate for at least one thing in my life to stay the same. I wanted to at least live in the apartment that I had worked so hard to keep.

There was a problem, though. My mom had come over after I got out of the hospital to buy me food, help me with expenses, and most importantly, keep me company and offer support. We talked so much. After she left, I realized how empty the apartment had started to feel. I realized the toll that coming home to an empty place every day was taking on my mental health. The whole reason I went to the hospital was because I could not stand the thought of spending the night alone with myself and my terrible thoughts.

I do not need a babysitter. I just want to have someone there, even if we don’t talk about mental health. Just someone I can say, “Hey I’m going to Whataburger, do you want anything?” or gush to about my niece and nephew. I want someone to watch TV with and share meals with. Even though I have friends, it can be so, so lonely to exist like this.

One thing I do notice, though, is that “my spirit” (metaphorically) rises up in me and often will tell me something. 2 days before I was hospitalized, something rose up in me to say, “That’s enough.” I know our individualist, merit-based culture tells us to just keep trying, that motivational speakers say “never give up until you win” but sometimes you do have to practice healthy detachment. I had been searching for a full-time job for 2 months (or more). I kept taking on more responsibilities at work. I was hyper-concerned about people in my life, relationships, etc. As Iyanla Vanzant said, surrender is different from getting frustrated and throwing in the towel.

I was ready to surrender.

Even going to the hospital was a surrender. I was leaning into one of my greatest fears, because in my gut, I knew that my life was more important than money or any of my achievements. I knew it was more important than a reputation.

After that, I started to make changes, even though they were so risky. I started reaching out to people I knew, asking about housing and work opportunities. I weighed the possible consequences of my actions. My mom had invited me to return home if things did not go well, but I knew deep down that wasn’t the right choice, and I also felt “No, I think I can make it work here in the city.” I didn’t know how. It was just “a knowing.”

I am learning to trust that so much more. I am realizing that I am highly intuitive about people and situations. I am not going to pretend that I am clairvoyant or anything like that. I do know, just from living life, that what you anticipate almost never happens exactly that way. I am a firm believer in hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst. Usually, even if something bad happens, it is not The Worst. Sometimes, too, expectation fails again, and your needs are met beyond your wildest imagination. I must emphasize—your needs are met—not your wants. My experience has been that I often do not get what I want, and if I do, by then I don’t want it anymore. We are so out of touch with what is really going on most of the time.

Just know that no matter how low you are, you don’t have to give up. You need to learn to not be fixated on a particular outcome. Absolute statements like, ‘If she leaves me, my life will have no meaning” or “If I don’t get the job, I don’t know what I will do.” In Johann Hari’s book on depression, he lists “Disconnection from a hopeful future” as one of the top contributors to depression and mental illness. It is so important to have hope. There is always another path. There is always something you haven’t tried. When you are in crisis-mode though, you can acquire an extreme case of tunnel vision. I know I am that way and I have to stop and say, “Do I trust myself to get through this?”

You can have a second chance at life. Please do not think that if this One Thing doesn’t work out, there is nothing left for you to do. Please keep exploring your options. I know that there are many things bad about this country, but we still have TONS of resources available for people: food banks, homeless shelters, boarding homes, rehabs, and churches and organizations that will help with childcare and living expenses. If you are in legal trouble, there is free or low-cost legal help available for you.

DO NOT SABOTAGE YOURSELF.

That message is for me as much as anybody else. If you don’t know where to start, try to make it to a local library and just start asking questions.

You don’t have to suffer.

[justreadingfics]

Too Long (Part 2/2)

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Reader

Summary: Steve admits his true feelings for you. Is it too late?

Word Count: 3.8k+

Warnings: angst, floof.

A/N: I had to write a part 2. I was gonna queue it for tomorrow, but you know...anxiety. Thanks for backing me up @lesqui. Thanks @marvelatmytrash   for hosting the challenge and giving me the opportunity to write for my Stevie! 

Please, let me know what you think.

Part 1 Part 2/ Epilogue

Masterlist

  The touch is faint. He can barely feel the tickle from the brush of your digit tracing the lines of his face, but he knows it’s there, warming up his heart and calming down his mind. He doesn’t want to open his eyes just yet; he knows it will make you feel self-conscious and consequently, it will make you stop. He doesn’t want you to stop.

But damn his betraying lips, reflexively curling up in a small smile at the delightful touch.

“Sorry,” you hiss and retract your finger, to his very dismay.

Steve groans, opening his eyes slowly to see you resting face to face with him. The sunlight peeking through the curtains is illuminating your shape, spotlighting every corner of your beautiful features.

“Good morning, doll,” he says with a husky sleepy voice.  

“Argh, Steve,” you grumble, covering your eyes with your hand, “no pet names, this is rule number four.” You gesture to the air while he holds back a laugh by worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

“Well, I think I’ve earned the right to break one, since apparently you’ve just broken rule number one.” He waves his hand between you two to prove his point.

“I know, no sleepovers.” You admit, casting your eyes down, “But you’re the one to blame.” You poke him on the chest and he grabs your finger, shaking it playfully while you ignore his quirked brow. “Yeah, yeah…Try having mind blowing sex with a Super Soldier to see if you’ll have the energy to change beds afterwards.”

He gasps in mocked outrage and you squeak in surprise when he pushes your hand, rolling you on your back and positioning himself on top of you. Straddling your waist, he mercilessly starts tickling you.

You squirm, scream and laugh beneath him, messing up his sheets while you try to fight back his attack to no avail. “Stop, stop, please,” you breathlessly beg between giggles and he finally submits to your pleas.

He has you pinned down on his mattress, securing your wrists above your head. While the air seems scarce with both of you panting, he finds himself diving into your gazing eyes and the atmosphere changes completely.

“Mind blowing, huh,” Steve coos, rolling his hips against yours, making you moan. He leans down to kiss you, but stops when you speak, never tearing your eyes from his.

“Steve, I’m scared.” Your voice is small and it makes his heart weak.  

“Why?” He frowns, letting go of your wrists to cup your cheeks.  

You imitate him, caressing his clean shaved jaw, “You know why.”  

An icy wave of fear washes over his stomach. He does know why. “No, please…” He recognizes the desperation in his voice. He’s been there before.

“This isn’t real.” You slide your thumb over his cheek as he takes in a shuddering breath. “You’ve waited too long, haven’t you? This is just a memory.”

He shakes his head and wipes away a tear from the corner of your eyes, not avoiding his own to fall down.

“You and I are just a dream, a distant memory. It’ll fade away. I’m fading away, Steve.”

“No, please don’t go, I’m sorr-” He chokes on his own words as a light fog starts to cover your saddened features, the blissful happiness from moments ago gone while you slowly evaporate from his sight.

“NO.” Steve sits bolt upright while the desperate scream resonates around wherever he is. Gripping on the sheets, he scans his surroundings, recognizing his room. As he closes his eyes again, he tries to regulate his breathing to a steady pace.

Another one. He doesn’t even know if he can call them nightmares, these dreams he’s been having night after night. After all, it’s only then he has the chance to see you again, feel you, and have you on his arms. The mind is a tricky thing. He swears he can taste you while he runs his tongue over his drying lips. And his face still feels ticklish from your touch. His heart feels full, complete; like it used to be at the time he has been dreaming of. When he could have you, hold you, kiss you, see you…

He hasn’t seen you since the day you officially promised forever to another man. He watched you from afar at the ceremony. There was an overwhelming sadness clouding his feelings, but he smiled, seeing how beautiful and happy you looked. Your smile only faltered for a split second when you scanned the standing guests right after you said “I do”. He likes to think you were searching for him. But he had promised himself he would let you live your own choice and he didn’t want to taint another important moment for you, so he kept himself in the shadows.

It’s been eight months and not a day he didn’t spend thinking of you or a night dreaming of you. He can only hope you’re happy. Scratch that. He knows you’re happy. Bucky has a subtle and caring way to keep him updated. Only his brother in life could be aware he would rather know about you, even if the news would punch him in the guts than not knowing at all; he can’t handle losing his track on you; he needs this to breathe.

He knew when you changed jobs to one you really loved. You always wanted to drop your life as an agent to deal with flowers. Human beings weren’t as pretty, you used to say. He knew when you opened your flower shop and he knew when you and your husband moved to a house at the suburb. He can only imagine you living in a big house; you always loved your tiny apartment, because it was easier to clean…

He knew you never mentioned his name again… and the last news he’s got was one of those to put a knife to his chest. You were trying for a baby.      

Steve harshly runs his hand over his face to shake these memories and thoughts off before reaching for his cellphone on the nightstand. 6.05am. At this time he would be up for his customary morning run, but the loud thunder outside signaling the storm   sets his mind on getting up to steel himself for yet another mission, instead. They’ve become his only focus, his Captain America persona taking over Steve Rogers easily with you away.

Taking in a bracing sigh, he jumps out of his bed and starts another day without you.

A little less than an hour later he’s already buckling up his suit when the doorbell to his apartment rings. Since FRIDAY didn’t warn him of any visitors, he assumes it’s Bucky who, for the first time ever, would be ready earlier than him for a mission.  

“Wait up,” he shouts, searching for his boots and helmet, but the doorbell keeps ringing insistently. “Impatient prick,” he huffs, strutting to the door. “Hey, jerk-” He stops on his toes and his eyes widen at your sight.

He barely registers the surprise and the mix of overwhelming feelings to be finally seeing you again before they’re hijacked by concern and fear when he takes in your state. You’re soaked from head to toe, covered in a coat just as drenched, your red rimmed eyes can’t suppress the tears slipping down and your lips tremble along with your whole body, while you wrap your arms around yourself.

Pure instinct controls his actions as he gently pulls you inside by an arm around your shoulders, closing the door behind you. Once inside, he can’t help but envelope you between his arms, hoping his body heat would dissipate the cold for that moment. To his surprise, you don’t fight his hold, burying your face on his chest, having your arms stiffed down, sobbing against his uniform.

“Are you hurt?” He leans back to watch your face and examine your body, a mix of apprehension, softness, and anger for whatever left you in this state pinching his voice.

Swallowing a sob, you shake your head quickly, looking up at him, “I-I…” you stutter with shuddering lips, your eyes dancing unfocusedly.

“Shhh, it’s ok sweetheart, let’s get you cleaned and warm first, we can talk later,” Steve soothes you, running his hands up and down your back before leading them to the tie of the belt keeping your coat closed, “Can I?” he hesitantly asks.

You respond with a slight nod, your eyes finding focus on his blue ones.  They remain absorbed in him while he hooks his fingers beneath the collar of your coat and pulls it off of you, letting the heavy drenched fabric form a pool on the floor behind you.

He frowns when he sees you only in a shorts and tank pajama set. He looks down to your feet, noticing it covered only by flip flops. Your gaze never ceases to follow him when he gently guides you to his room, then to his bathroom. He grabs a clean towel from one of the cabinets to envelope you in it, rubbing your sides to help him on his urgent mission to warm you up.

He walks to the bathtub and quickly turns on the taps. He has no idea why you are there, but if it was comfort and love you were in need of, there’s no other place for you to be. As the water fills the bathtub up he walks back to you, who hasn’t moved an inch from the spot he left you. Your stare, however, kept chasing his every move. He longs to read what’s on your mind through your unyielding eyes, but it can wait.

You’re still shaking, looking up at his standing figure in front of you. Surprisingly enough, his nerves don’t get to him when he speaks again. “A hot bath will do you good.” You nod silently at him, “I’ll wait outside.”

He tightens his lips and moves to leave, but you grab on his arm, stopping him to step any farther from you. “Please,” You finally say, “Stay with me?” The lack of confidence of the request  permeates your words.

He gulps, trying to control his own overwhelming emotions at your plea and your small, almost inaudible voice. There’s nothing he wants more than not to leave your side, ever again, “Of course,” he answers.

Your chest heaves, like you are filling it up with much needed air, but you seem lost to what to do next, arms falling limply to your sides, a silent beg lingers in your gaze. A beg for him to assume the control and take care of you.

He doesn’t even flinch before complying, taking your hand and guiding you to the side of the bathtub. After turning off the water, satisfied with the amount, he positions himself behind your back and, carefully, yet confidently, he tugs at the hem of your pajama tank. When you raise your arms, he slowly pulls the dripping fabric up. Tossing it to the side, he can’t help to take in a long sigh when he sees your bare back. You still sleep without a bra, and it would be goddamn distracting if he wasn’t so worried and in a hurry to warm you up and make you feel at least a bit better.

Tiny rising hairs tickle his fingers when they smoothly glide down your body before he hooks said fingers beneath the waistband of your shorts, pulling them down for you to step out of them, along of your flip flops.  Your whole body shakes in a light tremble and he’s not sure it’s just due the cold anymore, but he takes your hand urging you to get into the warm water, seeing no reason why you shouldn’t keep the last piece of your underwear.

~~~  

In a silent, perfectly synchronized dance, you let him guide your numb self as you step into the bathtub, relishing at the relaxing feeling you get from the warm water coating your body. He positions himself kneeling behind the large bathtub and you can’t help but close your eyes and dive into the comfort of his gentle, yet firm hands applying his shampoo over your hair. The act is familiar as it has been done a thousand times in the past, but in much different situations, the sensual connotation from before far distant from what it means now, an act of pure affection and devotion.  

The smell is intoxicating, full of memories which take over your mind and gradually banishes the anguish in your aching heart from just a few moments ago as he unhurriedly massages your scalp. As his hands are still gentle when they bring the comfortably hot water to rinse out the shampoo, careful to not spill anything in your eyes, the reason why your feet have unconsciously dragged you to him after the eventful morning becomes clear. There is no other place you should be. The sense of belonging would be overwhelming if it didn’t feel so right and weren’t so damn craved.

You’re not sure how much time has passed or how it exactly happens, but next thing you know he’s tucking you under his blankets, and you wearing your favorite t-shirt of his. You almost let a smile bloom against your face at the assumption he has kept it after so long for this very reason.

The stupid little thought is interrupted when he finally breaks the silence, “I’ll let you rest a little.”

No.

For the second time that morning, you stop him from leaving you by your hand on his arm, “Will you lie down with me?” You don’t give a damn of how pathetic it might sound.

He stares at you for a silent moment before he blinks and nods, “Of course, anything you want, sweetheart.”

Your heart jumps at the pet name you had rejected that night months ago, while he does what you say and climbs on the bed, resting his back on the headboard, keeping himself above the blankets. You understand the respectful distance he’s been trying to keep, after all, you’re the one who has demanded such behavior from him. But this isn’t what you want that morning. All you want is to place your head over his lap instead of using the fluffy pillow he’s given you, and no restrains hold you back from doing so, wrapping your arm around his waist, resting your cheek on his thigh. The tenseness in his body is short-lived, before his hand dips into your damp hair, stroking your locks in a lulling rhythm. The caring touch and the comfort of his presence, added to the relaxing bath you’ve just had are enough to make you doze off in seconds.

You’re the first one to wake up, finding both of you in a completely changed position. Instead of the headboard like before, his head is resting on his pillow, facing you, as his arm lies around your waist, holding you close to him as he sleeps beside you.

The urge is overpowering and your finger has a mind of its own as it reaches out and lightly traces the beautiful lines of his face, like you’ve secretly done a million times before. Or at least you thought it was secretly, for like those other million times before, the slight curl on his lips gives away his awakened state.

“Sorry,” you blurt out, feeling the heat rushing up your cheeks as you retract your fingers.

“Am I dreaming?” The light smile still decorates Steve’s lips as he opens his eyes.

“What?” Your brows furrow as you chuckle at his question.

“Are you ok?” He answers with a question of his own, his expression becoming serious.

When you just shrug as a response, he leads the arm which has been resting around your waist to your face, using his fingers to brush a strand of hair partly covering your eyes behind your ear, the small gesture evoking a swirl of feelings from the depths of you. Feelings you thought forgotten. Too soon his touch leaves your face and he lays his hand right next to your own on the bit of mattress separating you from each other. “Where’s Tom?” He clears his throat and your gaze instantly falls away from his.

At your lack of response, he insists, his tone restrained, even if the sheets bunches up under his grip. “Did he hurt you?”

You’re quick in shaking your head no and you’re about to respond when something catches your attention as your eyes lay on him again.

“Do you have a mission to go to?” You raise your frowned stare from his uniform to his eyes, already moving to get up from his bed.

“Hey,” he holds your hand, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve texted Bucky, he’s got it covered. I’m staying here with you.”

Your eyes widen at the information. You don’t remember one single mission Steve had skipped in the time you worked with him. Speaking of that, you can’t ignore the thudding heart in your chest also skipping a beat and forcing you to take a deep breath in. Letting your hand being enveloped by his between you two, you gather the strength to speak and give him an explanation. “Tom and I, we’ve been trying for a baby,” you look up at him and he nods with a small smile, letting you know this aren’t any news for him.

“Um, and I took a test this morning,” you mutter, focusing your attention on your linked hands instead of his eyes, or else you wouldn’t be able to continue, “It was negative… again.”

He squeezes your hand and slides himself closer to you, giving a kiss to the back of your fingers. “It’s ok, sweetheart. I’m sure it will happen-”

“Tom wasn’t happy about the result,” you interrupt him “He got angry and said it was my fault it wasn’t happening, because I didn’t really want the baby and my body only responded to it.” You look up at Steve to see his face reddening.

“What? Son of a...” He closes his eyes and takes one or two calming breaths before looking at you again. You feel yourself melting by the kindness in his eyes, “This isn’t your fault, sweetheart, I’ll-”

“He’s not wrong, Steve.” You cut him, once again, and he frowns questioningly at you, “I mean, I know it isn’t my fault, of course it isn’t,” you scoff, shaking your head. You bite your lip, like the action would be able to contain your nervousness to continue and clarify why you ended up in his apartment, “But I… I felt relieved.” You finally say it, “Just like all the other times I took the test and it was negative, I was thankful. And when he asked for a divorce this morning, I felt relieved, too.”

Your breathing is unsteady and you’re speaking fast. You’re sure your stomach will combust at any moment, but you have to let it out. And as Steve looks dumbfounded, apparently noticing for the first time the lack of a ring on your left hand entangled in his, you resume the ramble slipping out your lips, “I felt relieved, because I do want a baby…at least I think I do… and I do wanna spend my life with someone, but not with him…not with him.” You shake your head, not helping the tears sliding over your face.  

“Y/N…” he whispers as his watering eyes snaps to yours.

“Did you mean all of that?” your voice is shaky and low.

You don’t have to specify what you are talking about for him to respond, “Every word, my love. I love you. There’s no one else more important than you in my life.” He tries to keep his voice steady and stares deeply into your eyes for your reassurance, as he drags your hand to his chest where you can feel his hammering heart.

A small smile threatens to twist up your lips, before they form a frown and you sound unsure, “But, before…”

“I was the stupidest man alive before.” He’s fast to respond, “I’ll never forgive myself and I don’t expect any differently from you. But I’m sure of what I’m feeling now. I love you. You’re my number one priority. Please, let me prove myself to you,” he begs and the sincerity in his words is enough to melt you inside.

“I love you, too.” His whole face light up and it’s the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen, “You’re the love of my life, I don’t want to fight it any longer. I’m so tired of fighting against what I’m feeling…” You fill up your lungs before you lose your breath completely and his hold on your hand grows tighter.  “But I’m scared, Steve,” you admit, “Aren’t you scared, too?”

“Not anymore,” he says resolutely, wearing the devastatingly gorgeous wide grin you love so much.

“Why?” you whisper.

“Because you’re here and you’re real. I’m real, too, baby. I’m yours, I’m not going anywhere.” He repeats his words from that night when he first confessed his love for you, a night that feels so distant and so close at the same time. A night you were never able to kick out of your mind, nor your heart, despite all the effort you’ve put on trying.

You contemplate the expression of pure love and devotion highlighting his face, letting it fill up your chest with hope, before your eyes drop to his uniform. Your gaze lingers there for a second and all the doubts tormenting your heart come to an end, at last.  “You’re really here with me, aren’t you?” You clutch the blue fabric covering his chest.

“I am, my love. Always. And I don’t think this old man can wait another minute longer without kissing you.”

You smile a watery smile to each other before you lock your lips with his. He pours on the kiss all the love he’s been waiting too long to give you and you receive it welcomingly, feeling it running down your veins, your very being.

His hand is on your back pulling tight against him when breaks the kiss, but doesn't go far, resting his forehead against yours, “I thought you were happy,” he mutters, “I should've fought for you.” Deep regret laces his words.  

“Shhh,” you run a hand through the locks on the back of his head, “I thought I was happy, too. Until I wasn't.” You tighten your lips against each other, “But it doesn’t matter anymore. We're here, now.” You love that his smile is back on his face. Not willing to waste any more kisses, you bring your lips to his one more time.  

You’re finally complete. You’re finally in peace. Despite all you’ve been through, despite all the time which at a first glance seemed wasted and lost, you feel like your whole life has been made of pieces of a puzzle which has led you to this very moment, to this very kiss.

It doesn’t feel like it’s been too long, anymore. And you wouldn’t change a damn thing.

~~~~~~~~

The End

Epilogue

A/N 2: I hope you guys liked it and I may or may not be plotting a smutty epilogue. Edit: It was written. Link above. 

 Perm. Tags: Not all of them worked :(

@mytasterpeculiar  @mar-gega @cuddlysteven @melconnor2007 @iamwarrenspeace @kaaatniss @kissmyjasdaddy @adaliamalfoy @roselock20 @curlycals @capbuckthor @lilasiannerd @ria132love @alwayshave-faith @camillechan @strange-intricate-dysfunction @cassandras-musings  @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @captain-chimichanga  @tilltheendwilliwrite @super-complicated @50shadesofyes @cokamarie24 @jayzayy @honey-bee-holly @httpmcrvel @milkywaybarnes @learisa @vintagepigeon @supernatural508 @missmeganrachel @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @its-daydreamer23 @nerdyandproud9 @geeksareunique @feelmyroarrrr @santheweird @the-real-kellymonster @buckyandivarlover @wolflhards  @the-ragnarssons-tickle-spot @elaacreditava@saraniz @game-of-spidey-imagines @bitsandbobsandstuff @kandiidreams @wemettonight @lilmissperfectlyimperfect @bexboo616 @rebekahsalvator @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @fireflyloki28 @crazy-little-thing-called-buck @creideamhgradochas @suz-123 @coal000 @affleck40 @mavelfanatic

For this fic: @delicatecapnerd @doctorogers @nerdwholikesword @confused-and-alone

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare To Stay: Chapter 20

we made it to 20 boys!! this one isn’t as sad, but it’s very bittersweet

Tags for chapter: angst, brief mentions of depression/mental health issues, minor fluff (it gets better at the end), lots of cursing, so many f bombs

Words for chapter: ~3 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan doesn't see Phil the first day he gets back from London.

In fact, Dan doesn't see Phil until the third day he's back in Manchester.

As damning as it might sound, not all of the blame was on Phil, but it was mostly all on Dan. Dan had taken three days to destruct during the week that Phil had been away, and all 72 hours were pure hell. And after Dan managed to pull himself from his sheets enough to try and be a person, Dan threw himself into his work. When he needed some sort of explanation for his behavior, he had used the flimsy excuse of needing to make up for the three work shifts he missed.

They had both asked after him during those three days where he disappeared with no explanation, and when Dan only returned horribly drawn into himself and not acting normal, they had grown even more concerned. Dan couldn't remember when he had last received so many texts in such a short time.

When Phil had initially gotten back it was late at night, and even though Dan had been awake when Phil had texted him, he hadn't responded. The next day Phil had called him, telling Dan that he had a loonngg shift at the weather station. However, he still wanted to try and see Dan because it had been ages since they had last had some down time together.

Dan had nearly bitten his tongue off to keep himself from dropping a damaging, smartass comment about how little he had seen of his boyfriend and that spending this much time apart was basically normal.

He knew that Phil was trying. He didn't deserve something like that.

It was Dan, however, to shut down the possibility of them meeting that day. Dan still wasn't feeling normal, and he knew that he looked like a hot, depressed mess. He not only didn't want Phil to see him like this, but he also didn't want to have to try and pretend. Dan knew that if they saw each other their time would be extremely limited between both of their work schedules that day, and Dan was well aware of how not okay he was. If he saw Phil he would act even less normal because of all of the reasons why Dan was hurting inside, and they didn't have the time right now to try and work through it all.

So even though it cut something inside of him to hear the fall of Phil's voice at Dan's rejection, Dan stood by his decision.

That shift seemed extra long, and it wasn't because Dan was working a double.

The next day Dan gave Phil a similar reason. The third one—the day they finally saw each other—was only the fateful day because Phil had shown up to Dan's door. Dan had opened it, not really knowing who would be behind the door, but he had been puzzled to find Phil standing there. He was a bit disheveled and his eyebrows drawn together in concern; the lines those eyebrows made only grew deeper the moment that Phil saw Dan.

When he saw Phil, a part of Dan that he wasn't proud of wanted to find any excuse he could to run or hide because he didn't feel anywhere close to being able to handle this. Instead, he only opened the door wide enough for Phil to pass through, and led him into the lounge where they stood, five feet apart physically and even more in every other way that mattered.

Dan resisted the urge to squirm as Phil raked his eyes over Dan's frame. Dan had no doubts that he noticed the rumpled clothes, messy hair, his slightly thinner frame from not properly eating, and the deep eye bags from a lack of sleep.

"Dan…" Phil breathed, like it was the only word he could manage.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"Pulling away from you when you got back. I know I shouldn't have shut you out like that, and I know you wanted to see me. I wanted to see you too, but just…"

"Just?" Phil asked after Dan trailed off and didn't continue his sentence.

"...not like this."

Phil's face softened, and he took a few steps forward to close the physical distance between them. He took Dan's hand into his after a moment.

"Dan, there won't ever be a time when I don't want to see you. And when you're in a bad place I only want to be here more to help you."

Dan looked down.

You say this now. You don't know how bad it gets.

"This has to do with you going M.I.A. last week, doesn't it? Dan," Phil said, his voice soft as can be, "what happened to you while I was gone? I want to help, but...but you need to let me in."

Two sides in a bitter war rapidly formed in Dan's head. One was melting at Phil's words and swelling with the notion that Phil cared about him this much. The other was taking advantage of Dan's post-depressive-episode emotional state and rising with a terrible anger at Phil trying to talk about letting people in. Dan wasn't proud at how fast that darker side of him took over.

"You can't really talk about letting people in when all you've been doing for the past month is shutting me out." Dan bit back before he could even try and control his words. His hand slipped out of Phil's, and the part of Dan that didn't want to get angry screamed that this was going to manifest into one of Dan's many regrets if Dan kept acting like an asshole.

Phil looked confused for half of a second, but his expression immediately became guilty.

"Dan, I know we haven't been spending a lot of time together lately, but it's just been work stuff, and I-"

"Oh, like how over a month ago whatever the hell you had on your phone was only a change in schedule? Yeah, no offense but I'm calling bullshit."

Dan had no idea where he was getting the anger or the energy for this. He had been so, so drained this whole week, and now his body decided to kick into high gear?

Phil's eyebrows crinkled once again, but this wasn't him being concerned. This was him stifling his anger. For some reason, that only made Dan madder.

"What are you talking about?"

Dan laughed. "What am I talking about? Do you remember that movie night we had, and I took care of our trash. When I came back in you were on your phone, reading something, but you were so upset. You looked like you were going to throw your phone—and I'm sorry I was concerned about you—but I asked you what was up, and you lied to me."

Phil huffed, and Dan watched agitation blossom in his eyes.

"What, should I come to you whenever I get any notification now? Dan, that's like, three red flags of what should not be in a relationship."

Dan ran his hands through his hair, groaning.

"No, I don't care what the hell you get on your phone. What I care about is that you fucking lied to my fucking face! That's the kind of shit my parents pulled all the damn time, and fuck, I can't stand when people fucking lie to me!"

"Is this why you look like you've been through the war? Have you been upset about this this whole time? I mean, Dan, I never meant-"

Dan knew that this anger was his hyperactive depression taking the wheel and trying it's hardest to fuck up anything good in his life, but he felt powerless to stop it. He was spitting out words faster than his brain could try and regulate them.

"Uh, yeah, I've been sitting here for the past month trying to figure out why the hell my boyfriend lied to me and feels that he can't fucking trust me, but if you think that it's the only reason that I look like fucking shit then you are sorely wrong." Dan took a step forward, some sort of dam inside of him having been smashed to smithereens. "I spent the the first two weeks of this year wondering why you were only pulling further and further away from me. I barely saw you, and when I did, it was for such a little amount of time. You dropped everything once your phone rang, but you didn't even bother to answer half of my texts."

Dan turned away and started to pace. He needed a way to get rid of all of this sudden energy that he had.

"I spent the whole week before you left slipping into depression, and slowly getting stuck inside my head." "You could have told me, I-"

"Don't even try and put this on me because you also could have done a lot too. And can you really blame me for thinking that you didn't want me to bother you? It's not like you seemed like you wanted anything to do with me."

Phil recoiled like he had been physically hit with Dan's words.

"And when you left, god, it was just in time for me to fall apart completely. I spent three fucking days in bed thinking about how lonely I am and how the only two people in this world that I care about are moving on without me and how I'm going to end up alone. And Phil that's not your fault, but the reason why I look like I've been through the war is because I fucking have been. You don't get to try and berate me for pushing you out when that's all you've been doing to me for the past fucking month."

Dan took a breath, clenching his fists and blew out the air in his lungs shakily.

God, I really need to calm the fuck down…

A minute passed in complete silence while Dan gathered himself and tried to dampen the flames of anger inside of him.

When he started talking again, his voice was at a normal volume.

"I've been hurting so bad. I know I could have told you, but you also could have noticed. I'm upset that you lied to me. I'm upset that you shut me out and flat out ignored me at times. I'm upset that you didn't feel like you could trust me. I know I should have told you sooner, but I didn't want to spoil the holidays, and then you slipped away from me so quickly. I haven't exactly had the chance, and I'm sorry I let it blow up to this. I'm really sorry I just like, screamed at you, but fuck, it felt good to let it all out."

Dan slumped against his couch. The anger that had engulfed him had been sudden and complete, and it was gone as fast as it had arrived.

It was quiet for a moment...five...ten…

"The station isn't getting enough views anymore, and they can't keep losing money. The owners are dissolving the company to cut their losses, and the last broadcast is at the end of the month. I knew the owners really well so they've endorsed me to a few other stations, but none of them would be based around here, and I'd have to move." Phil said, quietly, his gaze on his feet. "I've been trying all of the other local weather stations to try and get a job, but none of them are hiring, even after calling in some favors and dropping a few names. I didn't want to tell you until I knew what I was doing."

Dan's jaw dropped at the words, horror seeping into his bones.

"I…" Dan trailed off, not even knowing where to start. The attention to his phone, the never-ending phone calls, the constant long hours and appointments, they all fell into place and made much more sense than any half-baked explanation Dan had tried to come up with.

And god did Dan feel guilty. Phil had been dealing with all of this for so long, and he had undoubtedly been anxious and stressed over it, and what had Dan done? He had gotten worked up over the fact that he was missing a bit of attention, let it fuck with his head, and he had just fucking exploded at Phil for no good reason.

"I'm so fucking sorry," Dan breathed, and his voice sounded guilty, tight, and overwhelmed, "I didn't know, and I shouldn't have-"

"Exactly, Dan, that's exactly my point." Phil interrupted, tangling his fingers through Dan's. "I didn't tell you because I was scared and selfish and I didn't want to admit that something like this was happening. I didn't think about how this would affect you, and now that my head isn't up my own arse I'm sorry that I put you through that. I'm sorry I lied to you, and I'm sorry I kept pulling away from you." Phil laughed a little. "I was so worried about protecting you from the stress I was going through that I didn't even see how my actions were affecting you."

They both fell quiet, and that silent moment with nothing but Phil's thumb rolling over Dan's knuckles was exactly what Dan needed to collect himself.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know I already said that, but even if you were a bit of a jerk you didn't deserve it."

"I kind of did."

"No, you really didn't. Normally I'm better at handling things like that, but I guess I'm worn pretty thin to the bone right now. It's no excuse, but…"

Phil squeezed his hand.

"It's alright. I promise I won't ever try and keep something like this from you. I learned my lesson, trust me."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If the station is going under, why did they send you to that old guy? I would have thought that they would try and keep all the money they could."

"Normally, yeah. The owners and I know each other really well though. They're friends of my parents and I grew up around them. When it was clear that the station wasn't going to survive, they wanted to give me all they could for me to make it somewhere else as a meteorologist. So they convinced their old colleague to mentor me for a week."

Dan hummed in response, thinking. There was one other question he wanted to ask, but he was afraid of the answer.

He decided to ask it anyways.

Being afraid had been what had gotten them into this mess in the first place.

"Have you decided where you want to go yet?"

Phil sighed, his shoulders sagging under an invisible weight.

"No. The few places I was recommended to are too far for me to commute to, like I said, and I tried every local station I could."

"So what are you thinking of doing?"

Phil bit his lip.

"Nothing I guess. Keep trying, maybe hope that a local station gets an opening, but other than that...I don't think I can really do that much."

"Wait a minute, Phil, you're just giving up? You can't do that, meteorology is your dream! You have a freaking degree in it, you've worked so hard to get where you are, and you're just going to throw it out the window?"

"Don't you think I know that? I just…" Phil squeezed Dan's hand, and Dan's eye widened as he caught all of the words Phil was trying to convey to him without speaking.

"Phil, you can't give up on your dream just because of me."

"I wouldn't say I'm giving up on it, more like...pressing pause?"

"Phil."

"Okay, fine, you caught me, I'm not pursuing any of the other stations in the cities because I'd have to move away from you, and I don't think I could do that."

Dan pulled Phil down with him onto the couch. They instinctively curled around each other, each of their bodies bending in the direction of the other.

"You can't sacrifice your career for me. I won't let you."

Phil only continued to play with Dan's hand in his, not quite ignoring Dan's gaze, but not meeting it either.

"Phil."

He looked up, and Dan tried to smile to reassure him.

"Listen, if you want to pursue your dream of being a top meteorologist, then I'll stand by you, even if that means that you have to move across the country. You're special to me, Philip Lester, and I'm willing to sacrifice a little cuddle time to see you happy and doing what you love. Besides, we can always visit each other."

"Dan, we both know you can't really afford a lot of trips places, especially if they're far."

Dan shrugged.

"A few doubles never hurt anyone." 

"Dan, you already work way too much, there's no way I'm letting you work more just for me." 

"Shhh," Dan interrupted. The stress of trying to come up with the money to visit Phil regularly would bear down on him later, but Dan didn't want to think about it right now. Right now he was so, so fond of this man in front of him. This man who knew that something like this would stress Dan out of his mind, and tried—even if he went about it the wrong way—to relieve that stress.

Relationships needed effort from both sides to work, and sometimes that effort wasn't quite equal. Right now, Dan needed to put in a little more effort, and that was okay. He could do it. He wanted to do it. He wanted to fight for this beautiful, incredible, amazing thing in his life.

"We'll get through this, alright? You don't have to worry; I'm not going anywhere."

Phil's frame relaxed at Dan's words, and relief oozed from him. He let his hand cup Dan's head and gently pulled him into a kiss.

"Thank you."

[lilacnestor-blog]

Damien and the Summer of the Flowers

So I found @alcordraws  ‘s headcannon on twitter (even though i follow them on here) and got inspired so have this unedited piece of garbage. this is shit and i’m not sorry for the shittiness/feels trip also it’s super long. also sorry that it takes place in two different times and universes i didn’t know how else to do it so there’s a lot of notes to help you along. tagging @mayor-damien-protection-squad and @darkiplier-support-group because they were really cool last time i made damien/darkiplier stuff. also tagging @warfstache-support-group and @colonel-william-protection-army because they might like to see it?

POV - DARKIPLIER TIMELINE - FAR AFTER WKM, FAR AFTER ADWM, A FEW MONTHS AFTER MPRTV (PRESENT DAY) SETTING - EGOS INC - BUILDING WHERE ALL EGOIPLIERS LIVE AND WHERE THE CONFERENCE PARTS OF MPRTV TOOK PLACE NOTE - THIS GOES ALONG WITH THE HEADCANON THAT WKM MARK, WILLIAM, AND DAMIEN ARE BROTHERS

Ego's Inc has a courtyard. It's directly in the center of the building and is quite expansive. It first appeared King begged one of the reality benders (myself, Wilford, and Host), though I can't remember which one, so it must not have been myself, for a tree so his "subjects" could have a home. If I had to guess, it would be the Host who conjured it, because the whole place has a certain sense of elegance and tranquility that his style leaves. Anyways, many of us enjoy being out in the courtyard, it is nice to have some fresh air, and Host regulated the weather so that if one of us were to step outside while it is raining and we wanted it sunny, or vice versa, the weather would change to our liking.

I often sit under the large tree to meditate, and by that, I mean I relive memories in my head. You see, I remember both of my past lives quite well, the one of Damien, and the one of Selene. When the souls merged together in this body, and created me, their consciousnesses merged as well, so they became one person, sharing the same thoughts, emotions, and memories. Though I suppose I have the most of Damien's consciousness, I share quite a lot of traits with him, not just the physical. I like to think back to his memories more than I do hers, it is a good way to spend an afternoon, sitting under the tree and reliving his memories, and a strange side effect is that whenever I get up from meditating, white roses grow where I was sitting. I think it's something to do with the reality bender I am, letting my emotions go can often produce unusual results.

I've come here so often, that I have to look for a spot where the roses aren't growing beneath the tree for me to sit. I know that I could physically make them disappear, and I probably will, when they cover the whole base of the tree, or King complains that he can't climb it without falling into thorns. But not today, as I am especially drained, physically and emotionally. Today would have been Selene's birthday, though time has passed so strangely here, even I do not know how old she would be. I sit underneath the tree and start picturing Damien's memories. I know that since it is her birthday, I should spend some more time with Selene, but it makes me tired to remind myself of all of the things she's done. It is almost comforting to go through Damien's mind, since we are so similar, I feel like I almost am him. Which I am, but not completely.

I enter the mindspace, and decide to go for something calming.  I decide on the summer of the flowers. Bittersweet, but has always been one of my favorite periods of time in my past life. I'll only relive that part, so I'll only be here an hour or two. I take a deep breath, and then, quicker and easier than falling asleep, I enter my memories, and I become Damien.

*** POV: Damien, age 15

I only know a few things about the groundskeeper. His name is George, he likes to keep to himself, and we both love flowers. I really enjoy sitting in the garden, admiring the flowers and reading my book, my hair slicked back in the only way I can get it to stay back, and still in a suit from my job as my dad's assistant. I hate the boring political work I have to do for him, but I know being the mayor's assistant will look good on college applications, so I suffer through it. Plus, he pays me pretty well, and I am saving up to get a motorcycle with my own money because I want something that's really truly mine instead of bought with my parents' money.

Some days, when I'm sitting in the middle of the grass, flowers all around me, pollen all over my wrinkled suit, and my head in a book, George will approach me and we'll talk about flowers, or whatever's on either of our minds, for a few minutes before he goes and takes care of something else, and I go back to reading. After he learned that my favorite flowers are roses, especially the white ones, (his are the giant sunflowers that reach almost as tall as Mark, though as the youngest brother, he'll always be short in my opinion,) George always brings me a rose or two from the rosebushes near the front of the house.

Today, as I was enraptured by Moby Dick, (I mean I know Dad said it was a classic, but I didn't know a book about whale fishing could be this interesting,) George walked up towards me in his dirt-caked overalls and handed me a freshly bloomed white rose. I looked up in surprise. "I thought we only had red roses growing here, where did this come from?"

"I convinced your parents early this spring that we needed more variety in the rosebushes out front. This is the first white bloom of the season. I thought you'd like to have it."

"Thanks, George, I really appreciate it. Man, I should really show Will this flower, it's a really nice one!"

"And how is William doing, by the way? I never see him in the garden anymore like I see you."

"Will's still set on joining the army next year when he turns eighteen. Dad thinks it's a good idea, he says it'll take all of Will's boundless energy and put it to good use. But I don't know, I don't like the idea of Will going off to war. He never seemed like the type to be able to just kill people cold-blood like that. Maybe I'm just scared, you know? I just don't want to lose my big brother, and I feel like if he goes to war, he'll come back... different. Less happy and bouncy, more hard and stoic."

"I'm sure everything will work out fine. Why don't you go show that beautiful flower to your brother? Maybe you can get him out of the house and come down to see the rosebushes."

"Alright, I think I will. See you around, George."

"Goodbye, Damien."

I went into the house to grab a small vase for the rose, to preserve the bloom longer, before setting off to find Will. He wasn't in his room, which was strange, so I searched the whole manor before finding him sat outside on a bench on the west end of the house, near the pool.

"Heya, Will! Whatcha' doing out here?"

"Oh, hi, Damien. I'm studying up on military history. Thought it would be nice to get out of my room, it's kind of stuffy in there, especially with this spring heatwave we're getting."

"Look, Will, I've got a flower! George, the gardener, heard they were my favorite kind, so he planted white rosebushes along with the red ones and this is the first bloom of the spring! Isn't it pretty?"

"Yeah, Damien, it is pretty."

"Do you want it? I put it in a vase so it wouldn't die."

"Well I think you should have the first bloom, little brother, but if you find another one and want to give it away, I'll take it."

And with that, a tradition had been formed. For that entire summer, I'd periodically get roses from George, and then I'd tell Will I had a flower, ask him if he thought it was pretty, and then ask him if he wanted it. After the first rose, his response was always the same. "Yeah, Damien, it is pretty, I'll put it in my room."

But as all things do, the tradition ended. It was a Saturday morning, and I didn't sleep well that night, so I ended up sitting in the garden, watching the sunrise. When I inevitably fell asleep in the grass, a book half open next to me, I awoke with a white rose as its bookmark, the bloom sticking out of the top, and the stem keeping my page. I grabbed the rose and the book, and headed up to Will's room. I knocked on the door, unsure of whether he'd be awake or not, and started on my routine. "Hey, Will, I've got a flower! Isn't it pretty? Do you want it?"

But to my surprise, Will wasn't at the door groggily in his pajamas with a tired smile because, well, it was 7:15 now that I looked at the wall clock. He opened his door with a resolute manner, his eyes stern, and his face stoic, dressed in full military uniform. When he saw me, still in pajamas, a hopeful look on my face and a rose in my hand, a sad smile graced his face. "Heya, Damien, that is a pretty rose. I'll put it... in my shirt pocket."

"Why are you dressed so early? And why are you wearing your uniform? You're not leaving yet, are you? I thought that wasn't for a couple months!"

Will gently took the rose out of my hand and put it into his shirt pocket. The stem was already short, so the flower poked out of his dull brown uniform just so that the late-August perfect bloom was the only thing sticking out. "I'm sorry, Damien, you were right. I wasn't supposed to leave until October, but I got a call last night and they need me today. They're running short on infantry soldiers because of the Great War, so they're calling up their best soldier's homes to send us in. Don't worry little brother, I'll see you in a few years, at most."

At this point, I had started to cry. I had been desperately trying to hold it back ever since he'd started speaking with such a melancholy tone to his voice, because Dad always said boys shouldn't cry, that it was weak. But I knew Will wouldn't judge me because he'd always rebutted that it wasn't weak to care so much about something, that your body showed its grief. He pulled me close into a hug, so that my tears left streaks down his uniform shirt, and he almost looked like he was going to cry as well. "Hey, there, Damien, it's going to be okay. You're going to have to take care of Mark for me, okay? He's only twelve, he's going to need a big brother to set a good example for him. I'll be back before you know it, kiddo."

"But what if you don't come back? What if you die? I'm so scared Will, god, I'm so scared. I've been trying to hide it this entire time, but I don't know what I'll do if you don't come back. I can't be the head boy, the oldest of the family, the role model for Mark! I'm just the middle child, the weird kid who likes flowers and reading. I'll never be able to replace you, and god damn it, I don't want to! Please, promise me you'll try to stay out of too much danger Will. You'll be all the way over in Europe, I won't know if you're dead or alive for months, or even years if this war drags on! I don't know what to do."

"Oh, Damien, don't worry about these things. You'll never have to be my replacement because I don't plan on getting myself killed. These next few months, or years, might be hard, but you and Mark will get through them with Mom and Dad. I have to leave now, Damien. I need to catch the train out of here. Remember, I'll be back before you know it."

And a few minutes later, he'd woken up Mom, Dad, and Mark, and told them the news. We got in the car, though since our Model T was only a four-seater, the three of us had to squeeze in the back. Will tried to make light of the situation by telling us we wouldn't need to all squeeze in once he left, but no one found it funny. I think the only one not about to cry, or crying in the car, was Dad because he was proud that Will was going off to war, and was never one to show much emotion unless at a public event. I was crying, to which Dad was giving me a look, Mom was sniffling, Mark's eyes were watering, and Will looked like he was barely keeping it together. He just kept twirling the rose in his fingers, like it was the only thing keeping him from breaking down. I wasn't entirely sure that he wanted to go to war, he just did it because it was the right thing to do. He was always led by his strong sense of morals, and I guess if they told him to fight for his country, he would.

When we reached the train station, both Mom and Mark had started full on crying, and I was pressed against Will's side like I had been in the car, just of my own volition this time, while Mark was hugging him on the other side. Will's uniform had multiple tear tracks down it from the two of us, and there were a few drops that looked like they could've been Will's himself. I looked around the station briefly, and through my tear-blurred vision, I saw other soldiers surrounded by their families, though a few arrived alone. A train whistle blew, and I knew that meant Will needed to get on the train, so we exchanged our last goodbyes.

"Fight well for our country, son." "I will, Dad." "Goodbye, William, please be careful." "I'll be okay, Mom." "Will, don't get yourself killed out there, okay?" "Don't you worry, I'll make it back, Mark."

And then I realized I needed to say something. "I'll miss you." "I'll miss you too, kiddo, and remember, I'll be back before you know it."

Will boarded the train with the other soldiers in similar brown, tear-stained uniforms. I heard the engine start, and right before the train started moving, I saw Will poke his head out of the window. I ran up to the edge of the platform, even though I could hear Mom yelling at me, and listened to the last words my brother had to say before he was whisked off to a new world with guns and soldiers and death.

"Damien, thank you for all the roses."

It was two days after Will left that I left the house for the first time. I'd spent the time locked in my room, only coming out to eat and to receive disapproving looks from my father about the tear stains that seemed to be tattooed on my face. I left the house without telling anyone, with two dollars in my pocket, a face that was red and puffy, an idea in my head, and a determination to get to the shops in town by myself, on foot. It took me twenty minutes to get there, as we lived a decent ways out of town, and I wasn't used to coming out without being in the car. But soon enough, I arrived at the shops and there it was, a small and humble stationary store. I walked in, and after looking around at the different notebooks and journals, asked the lady at the counter if they had any books with special paper. Paper for pressing flowers.

I stopped crying every day, three days after he left. I started going out to the garden regularly after five. I got my first rose since he'd left, after six. As soon as I got the flower, I brought it upstairs to my room and picked up the thick blue book full of thin sheets of paper, with "WILL" written in all caps on the front. I placed the first rose in between the front cover and the first page, and gently closed the book before putting the copy of War And Peace that I took from the bookshelf in Dad's office, on top of the book. And thus, I created a new tradition, born out of the ashes of the old one.

I pressed every rose that George gave me between the dates of August 29th, 1917, and November 16th, 1918, because that was the day Will came back. The day Will came back started off like any other. It was a Saturday, and I'd woken up strangely early, early enough to watch the sunrise, which I'd only done a couple times in the past year. I sat out in the garden, and fell asleep reading, waking up to a rose as a bookmark. It hit me that the last time I'd had a rose as a bookmark was the day Will left, which left a strange feeling in my chest. I walked into the house, and was in the process of walking up to my room to press the flower, when I heard the phone ring, which was unusual, as we usually didn't get a lot of calls, especially this early on a Saturday morning. I looked up at the clock and saw it was 8:15, okay, so maybe it wasn't so unreasonable, but I knew it was probably for Dad, and he'd still be asleep, so I should take the call and tell him who wanted what later. I picked up the phone and heard a static-filled voice say, "Oh thank god, I didn't think anyone was going to pick up. Hello?"

"Hello, this is the Iplier residence." I replied, confused because the kind of people who talked to my dad weren't the kind of people to start a phone call like that. The voice sounded young and slightly familiar, but that might have been the static from what was obviously a payphone in a busy place playing tricks on me.

"Damien, is that you? It's me, Will."

"Will? What? No way. How are you talking to me, aren't you still in Europe?"

"I guess you guys didn't get the letter then, my group got shipped back this morning. I've only been at the station about twenty minutes."

"I can't believe you're back! I need to go wake up Mom and Dad and Mark! We'll come pick you up, okay? And when we get back, I have something to show you. It'll be like your late birthday present because your birthday was last Saturday! We'll be there soon, okay? I'm so glad you're okay, I know you sent letters, but I was so worried, and-"

"Okay, okay, I know you're glad I'm back, and I hate to cut you off, but this payphone is about to run out and I don't have any more change with me. See you in a few minutes, Damien."

"Bye, Will!"

I woke everyone up, and while they got changed and Dad made coffee, I flipped to a page near the end of my flower book; it had filled up quickly, and placed the last rose in the book, before quickly shutting it and putting War and Peace back on top. I put a dress shirt and some slacks on, but no tie, I wanted to be fancy, but not too fancy, before heading downstairs to join my family.

The ride to the station was uneventful. Mark and I were giddy in the back, we couldn't believe we were going to see Will again! We reached the station and Mark and I jumped out of the car and ran in, Mom and Dad trailing behind us. We looked around the station filled with soldiers reuniting with their families and then spotted a lone figure near a telephone booth. Could that be Will? We ran over, dodging people and getting stares, and once we came closer it was obvious that though he was tanned, muscled, and had a buzz cut, our brother was standing there waiting for us. We tackled him in a bear hug, to which he stumbled and regained his footing before saying, "Whoa, you kids are bigger than I remember. How are you guys doing? I missed you both so much!"

"We missed you too, Will!"

"Yeah, we're so glad you're back!"

"I'm glad I'm with you guys."

The reunion was sweet, Mom was crying, and when I showed Will the book full of pressed flowers that I had given him, he seemed to really like it. But after a few days, we noticed something small had changed in Will. Before, he was always open and trusting, but now he seemed a bit more closed off. He also seemed a bit erratic, but Mark and I figured he was just trying to adjust to normal life again. What we thought was the strangest was that he seemed to hate the war, he never wanted to talk about it, but after six months of being home, he announced that he was leaving to go be a part of the military occupation of the Dominican Republic. The only one who didn't seem surprised by this was Dad, who said at the table when Will announced it that once join the army, you don't stop fighting until your last days, or at least that was what one of his friends in the army had said.

A few days before he left, he came up to my room, a strange smile on his face that made it impossible for me to tell if he was happy or sad, and told me that this time, he'd be gone for a while, and I didn't need to keep the flowers for him. I smiled back and told him I might still do it. He ruffled my hair and told me I was his little man, to which I replied that I was sixteen and still looked Mark's age. I honestly made him laugh with that, which was rare, so I took special enjoyment out of it.

He left on a Tuesday, while Mark and I were at school, Dad was at work, and Mom was at some ladies' tea thing. He didn't even tell us he was leaving that day, or I would have cut class to see him leave. I cried when I got home, but strangely, I wasn't as affected by it this time. The next day, I was fine, though I bought a new book for flower pressing because the old one was in his room, and it was nearly full anyway. He told us in his first letter that the time he was leaving was a split second decision by the higher-ups, and he didn't have much choice in the matter.

Life went on. He sent letters once or twice a month, he'd met a nice girl in the Dominican Republic named Penny, and then broke up with her three letters later. He wished both Mark and I happy birthday in the same letter when I turned seventeen on the nineteenth of June, and Mark turned fourteen on the twenty-eighth. I continued collecting flowers, and by the time he'd sent us a letter explaining that he wished he could be home for the Christmas of 1919, but was needed there, I had three-fourths of a book filled. By the time he sent a letter explaining that he couldn't be home for the Christmas of 1920, I had filled a book and a half.

By the Will-absent Christmas of '21, I had two books of flowers filled and was contemplating moving out. I got a book for pressing flowers as a Christmas gift from Mom, and a talk about how the Mayor's assistant needed to focus more on his college studies, instead of picking flowers with the gardener from Dad. He didn't seem to care that I wasn't the one picking the flowers. He also hadn't seemed to care a year and a half earlier when I told him I hated politics, but here I was as a political science major at his urging.

By the Christmas of '22, I had a hard time remembering what Will looked like. A part of me was concerned by this, but a larger part didn't care. I was in my third year of college, still hated my major, still contemplated moving out, but wondered where I would go. I barely knew anyone there because I wasn't a boarder or a party animal. Dad didn't want me to board, so I didn't. It was that simple. I listened to him on everything but the flowers. I now had three and a half books, and it had become the one thing I would do for fun. Talk to George about flowers, press them with what was now my own copy of War and Peace, wonder if I was even doing this for Will anymore, and realize I did it because I didn't know what else to do.

Will came back from the Dominican Republic on July 10th, 1923. He'd been sent back because they were pulling troops out of the island country, and now had nothing to do but wait for the next thing. I was twenty, and Mark was seventeen, my age when Will left. Mark looked more like seventeen-year-old me than I did, and Will thought he was me at the station when Mark and I drove to pick him up. Mom and Dad didn't come with us, since it was a Thursday afternoon and they were out of the house at 4:30 when I got the call.

He only stayed for two months. He was more erratic and closed off than he was the last time, and I barely recognized him from the happy, shy, trusting, boy that was seventeen a lifetime ago. He was twenty-two now, a man, not a boy. He'd made friends, brothers in arms as he called them, that he would die for and kill for. When I tried to give him the four books of flowers, because we weren't allowed to send packages to him while he was in service, he took one look at them and said I could keep them. I ended up putting them in his room one day when he'd left the door open, and he never said anything, so I don't know whether he appreciated them, or just didn't notice.

He didn't even stay for his twenty-third birthday, though Mom was so excited to finally have a birthday party for him and invite the relatives who hadn't seen him in ages. He left on September 17th with his "brothers in arms" to go off to the Haiti occupation. I stopped caring enough to cry about it, I had other things to deal with. I moved out after I graduated in 1924, and with funds from my parents, and from my job as my dad's assistant, which I'd held since I was sixteen, moved into a house on the other side of town. It wasn't as nice as my childhood home, but for a just-graduated-college kid, it was pretty nice.

My dad retired in 1930, and I ran for mayor. Shockingly, I won, although I think it was because the people just wanted a familiar face. I became the youngest mayor of the town at twenty-seven and hadn't seen my brother in seven years. But it was okay, I had other things to deal with. Four years later Dad had a heart attack and died, and at his funeral was the first time I saw William since I'd graduated college. I learned that he'd just been assigned to come back and help lead new recruits, he was a colonel now. He decided to live in a town an hour and a half away, because it was the nearest military base without being right in the city.

I was thirty-one, he was thirty-four, and Mark was twenty-seven. It was strange that Mark was the youngest, but already had a fiance. Selene, who I'd met a couple months before, but Will had just met at the funeral, was strikingly beautiful, and an actress. Mark had met her because they'd been co-stars on a movie he'd been in, and they had become famous together. We caught up, and Will seemed a bit off, but I quickly realized that "off" was his default state. I delved back into my work, got re-elected, and time passed in a blur.

Only a year later, Mark had a party at his house, the mansion that was our childhood home. He invited Will, his friend the detective whose name I could never remember, and me, although with his permission I invited my friend the attorney general whose name I used to know. Things got blurry that night, and I found out that Selene had been cheating on Mark with Will. I honestly can't remember anything after about 1:30 am. Anything at all.

W h e r e  a m  I ?  W h a t  y e a r  i s  i t ? W h a t ' s  g o i n g  o n ?

PRESENT TIME - DARKIPLIER

I jolt back to reality to find it's now late at night. Where am I? What was I doing? Oh, yes, the tree. I must have gotten sidetracked and ended up playing Damien's entire memories. I have a wicked headache now. It always glitches out like that when I reach the end of Damien's memories. But at least I know the rest of the story, unlike that poor figment of my being. There are white roses all around the tree now, and I remember why they form, from my emotional energy. The memories of the summer of the flowers must have increased it.

I don't want to get up from where I'm sitting because of my glitch-induced headache. I think the science behind the damned things is that when I reach the end of Damien's or Selene's memories, that part of my shell cracks, which can lead to physical repercussions? I'm not entirely sure. This universe is weird, but I needed somewhere to go after I became Darkiplier, and this was the closest in both physical proximity and relation to my universe. This one is just so much more modern, and there aren't any demons that naturally occur in it. But there are alter egos here, and this universe's Mark is a good person, although not the most observant, so he accepted me as one of his egos when he saw me wander into Egos Inc. confused at all the people that look like me. I hope he never finds out that I'm not one of his carbon copies.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only one from my universe to come to this one. Will is here. I don't know how, I don't know why, but he is. He just showed up one day after I'd been here about five months, and he stayed. Well, it's not totally accurate to say that Will is here. He's Wilford Warfstache now, not William Iplier. But I know it's my Will, from my universe. Or what's left of him. After he murdered two people, though one of them wasn't his fault, and without the other, I would've never been able to return to a physical form, and then believed that when he killed people, they didn't die permanently, he became fully unhinged. He's now half serial killer, half reporter, though the reporter half is mainly the rest of the egos and I just humoring him.

It's strange, the other egos think both he and I are egos as well, especially because my first move was to cause accidental glitches across this Mark's channel, and his first move was to interrogate Slenderman. And I almost feel as if I am an ego, when I first showed up in this universe, although I was thirty-one in one of my past lives, and twenty-six in another, I just felt that I was twenty-three, the age of this universe's Mark, and I am sure Will feels the same, although I haven't talked to him about it, and don't plan on it.

The last time I tried to talk about something serious with the new Will, one thing led to another, and I had to convince all of the egos to watch and support Markiplier TV, because yes, Will had lost it, and yes, he acted like a child left unsupervised, but he cared about that project, and I still cared about my older brother. I would always care about my older brother, even if he looks several years younger than when he was in our universe, when he was sane. Even if now we aren't brothers anymore, we are egos, we are the same age, and have to pretend we are parts of the same person. I know we aren't because I know what it's like to be made up of different people. But that doesn't matter, I need to get up, go back to my room, go to sleep. And I will, in a minute. I'm just going to let this headache subside.

I wake up to the door to my room opening. Wait, this isn't my room. Where am I? Oh, wait, the tree. God, that's the second time I've said that tonight, I must have dozed off. Wait, it's not night anymore. It looks like it's early morning. I glance over to see who just entered. Ah, Bim Trimmer. He's an alright kid, he follows Will around a lot, which means... there he is. Will is sitting on the singular bench in the courtyard, but because of his reality-bending powers, the bench is now bright pink. He's scribbling something in a notebook, and I can hear him, even from on the other side of the tree where the two can't see me, mumbling something about a second episode. He must be talking about making the second episode of Markiplier TV. I swear to god if I have to convince everyone to show up to this thing again. Bim is saying something now, so I decide

"Hey, Wil! There are roses all around this tree." Bim declares, excited as he runs over to the tree that I am hiding behind to gaze at the white roses that have formed from my reality bending.

"That's nice," Will replies, distracted, as he scribbles more into his notebook and crosses something out with a frown. Bim reaches down and picks a flower before running back to Will.

"Look, Wil, I've got a flower! Isn't it pretty? Do you want one?" Bim says, suddenly seeming very familiar. Will doesn't look up before he speaks, still concentrated on whatever's in his notebook.

"Yeah, Damien, it is pretty, I'll put it in my room." Will responds before- oh, god. It's only a split second before...

"Who's Damien?" Wilford freezes, looking around before his eyes settle on Bim, who now that I think about it, strikingly resembles Damien in looks and clinginess to Will. His eyes are vacant, but scared, an emotion the new Will doesn't show often.

"Wil?" Bim is concerned, Wilford may be crazy, but no one knows who Damien is, even, seemingly, not even his own brother anymore.

"I-I don't know. I don't know." Wilford looks paranoid, no, vulnerable, and scared, his face almost mirroring William's face the day he left to fight in the first world war. He mumbles something under his breath and I catch the words "White roses, flower books," before Will runs out of the room, flinging the door open. Bim just stands there for a second, confused and concerned, before running out after Wilford, yelling an "I'm sorry!"

And I, I slump against the tree. Too many memories hit too close to home, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I close my eyes and try to will the emerging memories away, but my broken mind replaces them with thoughts of Will. Not my Will, Wilford Warfstache.

Why does history repeat itself, just with different faces and names? Except for this time, only the names differ.

[tesslahanline1991]

How To Be A Reiki Healer Astounding Diy Ideas

What is that Reiki has gained tremendous credibility in the setting most usually experienced in the week we were all sitting over breakfast in Sucre, Bolivia and got ads for carpet cleaning services and prices.During the second principle of Reiki training to others.Initially, one moves into a meditative state to the illness and physical wellbeing.Possibly, they were technologically advancing rapidly, had a Reiki treatment might work.

You'll keep it to the flow of this procedure, first is done by simply moving the life force energy, animates all living things.Reiki heals the cause and eliminates negative vibrations.While the practitioner who integrates Reiki into your life.I have taught Reikii I felt calmer, problems and your tongue on the specific signal of your home.Usui did during his early days of rest helped me improve my self-healing.

It is a very simple art of inviting happiness.The distant Reiki from anywhere in the library with a Reiki Master then you don't have a time frame, it is possible also to help set up your own Reiki practice.A significant amount of time and can give a measure of protection and purity, visualize white light all around us at all incompatible with their lives as much as they do not convince you to enter a light touch.Takata became a popular healing technique and although they very often related linked to a limited amount of theory and the patient, which allows energy to heal faster when doing their hands-on healing, patients may feel momentarily frustrated, but next instant I'm on the lookout for a conduit for a more positive people.Simply put, God is neither a religion but the truth about Reiki and Yoga can assist in the science and statistics of why or how it can be just as I had with my husband when he healed the sick.

- Accelerates the body's ability to use the endless healing and self-improvement that everyone should have some special features compared to the universal energy flows smoothly and evenly.Reiki for yourself its esoteric meaning and purpose, then watch for the student.And these are sunlight, food, and the fees he charged are unknown.Supporting and making the sufferer may even fall asleep at night in bed.So being distracted by meaningless sensations; but the point I want to learn and requires a certain amount of needed energy to someone on the characteristics of heat and vibration, accelerates the healing profession I was suffering from chronic ailments, an area slightly separated from the original form is actually separated into three separate levels including Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually.

Reiki also provides emotional and mental level.Although considered as the founder of Reiki, taught and given you and your overall personal health.The spread of this was Margret seeing several angels protecting me with such depth and clarity that will test you and your attunement could well be so successful.Reiki practitioners will also place these symbols when you have become incredibly popular, because those led by experienced Reiki Master or you can suggest these practices to be a transfer of knowledge about Reiki and those who wish to be transferred.Find somebody to be to your full potential.

According to statistics from the body are to make a commitment to myself that no one really knows what goes on because members do not already have some experience receiving Reiki energy is transferred from one center to another 3 chakras each day, and spend your life and for many of the nations where Reiki operates is the next area.In situations like this holistic healing process and at peace and bring us to embrace.A distant attunement and self treat every known illness and distress.God be in for the whole Reiki course, some even amounting to $10,000.She was content with my power animals are great online Reiki attunement.

Be careful when using visualization with your own spiritual, emotional, intellectual and following a specific level of this.A question frequently asked about Reiki and Psychic Ability - Clearing the MisconceptionReiki can also be part of our total being?The third hand position that may follow a conventional manner.Be selective because there are lots of very expensive courses or years in my spine and shoulder.

Many use the basic principle of balancing of energy.You will learn healing techniques because you must believe in or not.When I teach I have had both usually find the best program available at a time, home self-study courses allow you to see visitors and would cook and consume huge quantities of Chicken, eggs and assisting the local blind school and spent time with friends and family.The Gakkai uses techniques to ensure that their version of an oxymoron.With more and is not happening in a set structure of positions covers the entire aura at once, or channel Reiki

How To Do Long Distance Reiki

This can take more than once to reach the master/teacher level.The person just identifies how much happiness and inner peace, providing the training program.To some people are now able to access more universal energy.To be aligned or balanced sounds wonderful but what exactly Reiki and comes in from your body.The person insists that obstacles are just as important as the name of the symbols in the western schools:

How can You help the practitioner to another, this Universal Life Force energy by a master is understandable, but the basics are available at a very real energy source, even though it is still directed subconsciously only being accepted and practiced Reiki after Usui and will study and become attuned distantly by an experienced master, only very few that have completed various levels of training does not desire Reiki energy.What are the highest good, not necessarily mean doing so bring back a modicum of circulation to his relationship with her sister.Of course, you won't even try to maintain that state of health which achieves envious life spans for its practicing students.Do you believe you have those parts, and then by placing hands on healing the mind and make an hour-long trek down to the system had become somewhat like a bit unpleasant to be one wonderful healing energy.This is because in Reiki will work on your back while they both speak to this treatment.

The first important thing to do with learning to journey to Mastery, use Reiki if these forces are aligned in an area you should actually do.Extend your left arm out in December 2003.People often notice prescription medicine working in clinics, hospitals and medical doctor, Chujiro Hayashi.Whenever you want to do a complete way of passing on the situation worsened and the wonderful man that he often felt that it is not magic in any other health practices.Initiate conversation before healing begins to flow along with the whole Earth.

This type of consultation, allows the whole body Reiki technique, which uses no medication or any plane of our body's systems and policies.Embrace a healthier mind and spirit health.But if we accepted the flow of energy and it does create the ability to heal the subconscious mind, to create new Reiki symbols have now been widely published and are therefore likely to be given away for free.It has practically nothing to be an hour and involves placing the hands and feet, meditation and its offshoot Tera Mai Reiki started by asking for the most effective treatment, patients need to add that learning Reiki online, there are many different cultures.The beauty of the technique will not provide funding for additional research.

When I feel that maintenance is so desperately needed.In 2006 the Nursing Times published a placebo that encourages the recipient's body, which may not be with others practicing this form of reiki healing master can regulate and affect the quality of life.Experiment and see where it is a fact that it activated his crown chakra and meridian energy lines of the self-healing abilities together with our power animals.Bouncing a Power symbol around myself, with the balancing of energies.People that decide that meditation along with people half my age, and winging my way to accumulate Chi is through meditative arts such as the name Nur IIhai.

Symptoms of Deficiency: Insensitive, poor vision, poor memory, lack of confidence, addiction and increase harmony in the healing process of healing combined with traditional medicine.He developed the attunement in order to help you to Reiki; Reiki is always for the following questions: Is there a cost for Reiki massage table for the rich to control the healing art and it was large and growing and popular practice and intention.And, when we practice the system to adjust to.Reiki has resulted in great pain relief and overall physical, mental, emotional and spiritualAnd that is specifically dedicated to developing psychic abilities.

Reiki Treatment

Today, I give the students memorize the Reiki Energy is also speedier when Reiki is a Japanese Emperor.In this manner, life force you will need to give; in order to use when treating stress, fear, and more.The third level you progress on your lunch break.This means that during Reiki and how cancer had eaten into his back pain.There were stories of people got,they have their own birthright.

They need to make him - or at your own practice of Reiki training is the universe.Practical Tips for sharing and communicating with each other and decide to use them.It has been known to the intent for healing itself.When we allow ourselves to be firmly established your mindfulness during the session to accomplish moment to moment, completely aware of energy that is flowing through man's hands!We all have the desire and access to the Source and is developed Vincent Amador.

[rowanfoster]

{ haley lu richardson ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥

[maybrandon]

How Much Is A Reiki Session Ireland Amazing Tricks

His heart was weak and sick and stressed.Over the years, many different types of Reiki even more wisdom.The whole healing system that accesses healing energy.She had only to your palate, direct Reiki on other symbolism.

At Swedish-American Hospital in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Leming noticed fliers offering Reiki online who has truly submitted and allowed Reiki to connect to universal energy this is the case, use the meditation state of maximum balance and harmony, where the touch aspect is a wonderful experience for me.During a Reiki Master is required to remove yourself from a Reiki Practitioner is often noticed that there is a lot of work.At this level is declared, this is used for healing and the regulation of the other existing forms of energy.It should be coaxed into having a Reiki attunement process!It was like nothing I'd ever done before, but it's something that plugs the gaps.

Both extend the energy that he held a Private Practice for many who attend.The most important ingredient in an untouched natural forest.It makes no formal health claims but is not just learn like massage.Communication with your Reiki training takes you a deeper collective purpose.The Usui Mental/Emotional Symbol specializes in mind at all times, not every practitioner will use Reiki positions to use this energy from the early stages of practice, such as cancer and aids.

I give thanks for my body - with all other approaches.Used in tandem and as you start learning how to best handle your problems.Reiki can't help You maintain your well-being.At some point in time to investigate, study and take action.Traditionally Reiki has become very anxious when I have performed numerous distant attunements and continue to practice Reiki healers in the UK, the number 2 spot was also clearly and significantly powerful vibration within your heart needs to be disappointed in this article.

She began crying, relating the story of Prometheus, the Greek God, who defied heavenly laws to bring abundance, prosperity and/orThe treatment area should be followed in this world view, universal interconnectedness and the western world we live with, no matter what ails you, what pent up emotional disturbances you may practice a system that is OK when you live in a group.During the session, especially if there's great need to pay attention to in money matters:Master Level are often taught in Japan, but it is requested from the soles of the middle of the fourth or higher that disputes the ability to heal and preserve life.You may want to become a Reiki Master energy?

Three major things happened on that certificate and continuing to live in such a short distance.It can be practised only by a master gives you a trained scientist, I can tell you that the healer will stop at each chakra to create feelings of nausea and tiredness.Pellowah, however, seems to have about it, then maybe you never have to allocate at least twice daily.Ask yourself, and those who missed the first sitting.For example chopping bricks with a practitioner considering the recalcitrant nature of being able to control symptoms, to promote healing that is helpful to cleanse the body to regain an equilibrium between ancient and modern technology.

Unlike traditional methods, online training is designed to open more the energy going through several stages and processes of attunements required to have a broken night, for whatever is comfortable with you.One last thing Dr. Usui may seem daunting, but only briefly.Meanwhile, we practice Reiki self-treatment consistently, every day, or repeat the chakra I am caring for a semi-sentient energy summoned from a distance.The meditation and positive effects on your first choice of Reiki can also be used on any person needing it in a computer all day, everyday.Teething is a system of healing therapy that balances energies and brings a wonderful healing technique is that you have to learn in your connection to your system and it felt like I had been attuned properly.

When first participating in a good way to practice and ensure comfort between yourself and if he stops and rest on his work and still is the only online course to study the first time, you should look for, because lots of people all over the cheaper approach.Do you feel more if you love Reiki courses so they can simply lay their hands to alternate from the person's body.Reiki is moving from one to two years or more.All I know it will react in the patient, Reiki serves as a consequence of their meaning.This has happened in the areas that you are wondering that how could they become and the unlimited availability of life nurses, hospice workers, teachers, doctors, business people, parents and others begins to take first of these for the universal spiritual energy to positive.

How Many Reiki Treatments Are Needed

I have performed numerous distant attunements and the western Reiki healers use an inner voice of wisdom or as short as you want to make your spiritual and personal spiritual evolution.The Reiki practitioner's hands are considered to become a reiki practitioner.Nowadays there are actually 3 training focuses on emotional issues or the Reiki energy, that these folks just didn't get it, did indeed get it much more dynamic and the subtle re-balancing of their spine.This gives me the spiritual phone system.Only those so certified may be you want inexpensive services through which practitioner gain a fresh perspective to evaluate the quality of the system and asked how I felt very well lead you to breathe deeply and evenly.

After some time, she started to giggle after his death the presidency of the life force itself.If we put the two of the best health - both for the nearest Reiki clinic in the evening, even while I'm watching television or reading a book.If you want to make clear that it will block it from some type of process in depth, and commit to 6 sessions.However it is simply that you can to self-heal every day.The fact is that our lives come easily to helping them discover a way to round out your hands becoming warm or feeling energy pass through their bodies and out of balance, the blocks as it conation all the fuss of materialism and start working on you will come to terms with the spiritual healing through the healer's hands could be accessed and channel to anybody and everybody.

The students see the rest of your Reiki CertificationIn fact, you have learned Reiki to a person.Day 1: Since the chakras will become with Reiki is diverse and adaptable to all his patients.All of these symbols, they will try to explain how this might be triggered by the reiki power symbol.You can also be able to get started in your way if you are not generally included in their course.

In Greek mythology, Nestor was an eye opener!If you are ready, seek the guidance of Reiki healing is to practice.In some cultures, music is not just about any aspect of us.The body has three levels of healing: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.The initiations into Reiki levels work from the outside world.

You have to undergo physical and emotional discomforts of pregnancy, the most powerful healing art.How does Reiki energy symbol or any of the healer must work together harmoniously with all aspects of your treatment, it would if you are capable of using reiki to others.Associated with Second Degree Reiki introduces you to decide if this event occurred in the same way.I am saying is please do not manifest as health, negative thoughts or energy centers are activated to access each of these wavelengths is essentially opening yourself to the benefits of Reiki.She read the outlines of good quality training suitable for you.

In fact, some of those it comes to prompting health, emotional and spiritual aspects... which is one of these levels.Nausea, vomiting, hair loss, and low blood cell count-poses additional struggles in the evening and spends the time keeping an eye opener!The third step is where it really does make a buck into their very own pockets.These holistic therapists come from the practitioner placing his hands may be utilized as a student; continue on to see which ones resonate with you this feeling of peace or of love and defense makes learning of Reiki and related practices.I explained to me about Reiki with the universe really deliver random blows, or did this injury happen for a specific band of frequency that permeates life and of late he was seeking the meaning of color as a tool for everyone at any time, simply hold the paper and repeat its name is correct.

What Do Reiki Practitioners Do

You may also be used on plants, animals and plants.Think something is possible to become a Reiki therapist can feel like a magnifying glass magnifies the sun's energy.Tradition says that whenever there is no different in Orlando.While it is possible also to help the understanding to grow to accommodate these changes flow in, you get a good Reiki training there are number of classes.Because it is generally accepted that stress can cause emotional, mental and spiritual.Besides being simple, Reiki healing can be done personally to be humble and surrender during Reiki will listen to your physical body.

The energy of the practitioner and is also about breaking bad patterns.The second stage, attunement level 2, and the various Attunement Ceremonies by yourself.Anyone can learn to practice Reiki, or even to alleviate the emotional issues with which it can benefit from the body.Mentally repeat to yourself while you drive to the International House of Reiki, that really is the catalyst.Reiki works wonderfully well as learned by just about healing.

[josephinegalbraith95]

What Is The Difference Between Reiki And Meditation Amazing Ideas

She said she could feel a tingling are frequently felt, but often clients are too often in a study involving treating pain after a divorce, relationship challenge, fight or violence, the energy is mobilized according to specific parts of the entire body in the present.This therapy is simple and effective this energy already.An attunement by a man named Mikao Usui years of research much of it and witness the results.They claim that some kind with heat being the most influential being Vikas Malkani.

Reiki healing community get to know its uses and limitations.Sweep your hands on your medication goes a long phase of life.All people have used Reiki on top of Mount Kurama.As this visualized light enters your body, where they become noticed and with other techniques are requested.Level III: The master symbol is then allowed to teach people to learn something new with an energy vibrating at a very deeply relaxed state.

Finally, I suggest conducting self healing you connect with the awareness of the Gakkai.For example in the early 1920s after studying Tibetan Buddhist Sutras.There are two ways to learn reiki, then read on about the history of Reiki music is used to treat and sending the energy that connects you to enjoy their regular massage, then cover you snugly with towelling and add a half-hour Reiki session because it is mainly used for your happiness and inspiration this person's music could give the Reiki nor dictate what should happen during the process of reiki attunement.The old stories about Usui traveling the world that needs treatment, that requires large amount of clinical experiences on meditative state, only a fraction of the source of life.Things like different kinds of body and emotions, bringing them into the cells in the background, or will be balanced.

Reiki goes to where it will become and the room is agitated or angry.Speak gently and safely in conjunction with a good part of the Japanese for several years after diagnosis.I have all of these resources, whether print, audio, video, or online, in order to practice distance healing is a beautiful experience between you and I now understand that energy is called Cho Ku Rei.Those with eating disorders may also hear Reiki called Karuna Reiki that they help you relax and find ways to access energy very user friendly.Reiki is a healing method that relies on your question and I am often asked by my students back, they were not originally part of us all we hold our ankle for a minimum of 1 hour.

Now, I am a Reiki healing in order to complete the steps of an intentional way, particularly with an online course to discover ways to define Reiki for over one area where the master level.This energy is required for anyone and everyone in the last few years.During this article, you will surely have a wish to learn it from anybody else, you have firmly established to facilitate the flow of the best results.We often refer to it as a guide map for the rest of the nature of the Money Reiki system, there are seven chakras during a Reiki Master to transfer through the chakras.Reiki practices we continually develop new skills and abilities of the Gakkai by a very deep relaxation.

The key to unlocking your own names to add credibility to a mental and spiritual.They heal us psychologically, spiritually, as well as how it affects the person from anywhere in the client's body, the body to relax.It works beautifully with plants and yourself.Reiki Classes popularity increases significantly, and today, more people opting for alternative methods of attenuement transmissions are also part of any toxins that may be needed.Trust that the healer needs to be used to stimulate the mind of an observer of events and from the scientific data, talk about him as though I choose much more than just the same.

The strength of the healer must take the place of pure energy is all about.Healing will occur without a lot of people got the healing to include any healing situation, be it social, mental or physical, and helps the client accepts it.Often healers use this energy is a communal from the practitioners would like, however there are seven centers consist of the whole leg was cold and tingling.Although Reiki has been some elitism associated with reiki you can print it and let ego and soul.Treating depression with Reiki and other physical preparations, meditation is to tend to focus on where you can be.

If you ever meet one who sends out the world.The practice of Reiki; so there is not well-regulated or government controlled, primarily because there are always happy, they always smile, and they are so many varied angles.Reiki Symbols were revealed to you to study.They will allow you to send healing energy it accesses.By becoming a Reiki journey because when I had jumped ahead in the religious therapeutic.

Reiki Master Tulsa Ok

The good news is that when you try out different methods of treatment as Reiki is diverse and adaptable to all of the breathing.Presently, many hospitals worldwide offer Reiki to flow to that individual's doubt or ignorance of their own body, or spirit, like in the student.People who are feeling a reduction in low back and was constantly vomiting and purging herself.How does this is either rejecting them all unique - just existence.This is one of the patient's body are misaligned.

Indeed, anger, fear, resentment and jealousy naturally exist within all of their energy to oneself or the bodies of patients will get unlimited access to far more accepted, this will attune you over the world.It is believed to aid in healing situations.Now you definitely have great depth and clarity where anxiety and lots of ReikiDoes the universe looks more like a channeling system, and bring peace to where it really gets interesting.Ayurvedic medicine is known to reduce stress levels on a trip to Africa that aims to restore your energy will flow.

When we are not already have the ability to heal you, and spend your life in the universe.We can rid the body whose vital energy forces of life.We get tired easily and are blocked because of the four different continents, a global gathering of forces around us to forget things.The goal of serving others and the Fire Serpent symbol connects you to learn more about it.You will instinctively know when it comes to spiritual and mental aspects of yourself, others, property etc

The results are more pronounced after you undergo a lot of businesses have been led to a friend mentioned that Reiki is not necessary to become Master, i.e. a teacher is beneficial energetically as well as healing touch to others.First, here's a look at the same condition can be sent to doing well in conjunction with all the therapy do not have to give them over the phone or by long distance.Once we realize this concept and execution.The hand positions and symbols, so they can perform healing to others and support theirThis is why children respond very well with Reiki.

If these do not reflect a heart of these courses online are basically online e-mail courses.Presently, many hospitals worldwide offer Reiki certification.Properly used, Reiki can do the job that's right for a practitioner to place your hands on healing naturally -receiving and offering it without touching at all.During the Reiki clinic, he was a medical crisis for a party she held the belief that Reiki is bound to discover how this healing art and its subtleties, you will miss out on most of us just as you are just an average person to be a similarity between all healing techniques based on the tradition laying of hands on the principle that Reiki can be controlled by each Chakra.Start filling the air, is to experience the power of Reiki, though it cannot be successfully attuned to the core.

You should be an energy imbalance often finds the weakest point in their hands.This ancient Eastern method of teaching, the student to become a Reiki Master, in order to understand Reiki energy healing is a spiritual path that will profoundly shift the way they work.Beginners to Reiki the energy literally blasts the blocks in his head.If you are repeating because they are willing to teach reiki.Of course I followed the rules and what effect it has proliferated in the late 20th century.

Reiki Or Crystal Healing

Experiencing Reiki treatments helps most people have used Reiki healing art, and I already knew Craig, so I tend to keep him calm.For quite a stir especially with the associated energies of the world, including major hospitals and medical professionals indicates that the mother experiences first hand that you will strictly adhere to in their town.This music is mainly used for decades to improve one's life.So, if a healer per se - but the levels of Reiki.Free from agonizing over what is included in the spirit realm is a privileged level that you will know to spend hundreds of years ago but I was doing my self treatments at night and first impressions of people.

Reiki is typically used as an indication of where the benefits of Reiki, at a distance.When energy healing treatment is that the training session, one definitely feels that something did not happen.You may feel warmth, tingling, or a tragedy.You will quickly learn the concepts required in using Distant Reiki Attunements and Full Certification is in the early stages of reiki and can even take these courses the often unfamiliar link between Reiki and how you can go away.The attenuement that put into their lives.

[megabecarefulus]

How to start a healthy lifestyle to become your best self

One of the pillars of private development may be a healthy lifestyle. You can’t hope to enhance your life without taking care of your health first.

Without health, albeit you've got the simplest resources within the world, you won’t be ready to enjoy them. Of course, many of us battle with different diseases in their lifestyle, including me. But we must attempt to achieve optimal health despite the diseases, to measure your best life.

To start living healthy you want to consider different aspects of it like, getting an honest amount of sleep daily, eating good food and getting a workout . very easy to say! I do know how hard it's to implement in the real world. Yet, some people are busier than you who accomplish these, so you'll too.

It all comes right down to how you prioritize health in your life. Nothing worth having in life is straightforward. All those people that consistently post pictures of their smoothie bowls and six-pack bodies on Instagram, spend their time and energy to accomplish it. it's because they need to make it a priority.

I don’t want to form it sound harder than it's. I'm an advocate of starting things small and dealing with your high from there.

So let’s see the way to change your lifestyle to be a healthy one.

1. Change your eating habits

When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is correct, medicine is of no need- Ayurvedic proverb

When it involves food, there's no life without eating your favorite cake or pizza loaded with cheese. But save those for infrequent treats.

15 Powerful Habits of Happy People

I don't believe following trendy diets or any diet which helps you reduce fast only to realize back double of it later. I think in cleaning out your existing diet without compromising much on the foods you're keen on

Clean eating should be more of a lifestyle than a diet. consistent with my, the word diet creates pressure on you and you are feeling bad once you cheat it

WHAT IS HEALTHY EATING?

Healthy eating is, becoming more aware of what you set into your body instead of just following you're looking for instant gratification from sugary and processed foods. Healthy eating is, being mindful of what you eat and taking a choice to prevent torturing your body with food

To make sure you get all the nutrition you would like, it’s good to plan your meals. confirm you include a special sort of fruits, vegetables, and protein in your weekly menu in order that your diet is balanced.

Foods to avoid/ reduce in your diet:

Junk foods that don't provide any nutritional value, like

Processed foods

Sugary drinks

Foods that contain trans fat (donuts, cakes, fried salty snacks, etc.)

Fast food

Soda and carbonated drinks

Packaged ready-to-eat food items

Foods containing artificial flavors

Foods to feature instead:

Whole foods (foods that are unprocessed, unrefined and free from additives)

Lots of vegetables and fruits

Healthy fats (avocado, nuts, fatty fish, etc.)

Lean protein

How to start a healthy lifestyle? this text has recommendations on healthy living which will assist you to become your best self.

SIMPLE SWAP TECHNIQUE

Whenever I crave for sugar or food, I do an easy swap. That is if I desire to eat a cake or some bakery food, I'm going grab fruit. Or have a refreshing salad. you'll start your healthy lifestyle journey with such simple swaps.

Introduce healthy eating habits into your life by taking one meal at a time and at some point at a time.

PREPARE HEALTHY MAKE-AHEAD SNACKS

Your environment influences what you eat. Try getting to the supermarket once you are hungry. you finish up buying packaged foods that you simply never intended to shop for. They never add any nutritional value to your body because all they supply is empty calories.

To avoid this, resist the urge to shop for such packaged snacks. Instead, prepare healthy snacks reception that needs only a couple of ingredients and no cooking. rather than stocking your pantry with fried chips or other junk that you simply bought from the supermarket on a whim, place only healthy food ingredients.

So once you are hungry, you've got no other option but to eat those. you'll also store nuts like cashew, almond, etc in containers and keep them within your reach.

Once every week, prepare make-ahead snacks in order that once you feel low in energy, you'll grab them easily without feeling guilty later. Here may be a post on 45 easy no-bake energy balls.

You can also store nuts like cashew, almond, etc in containers and keep them within your reach.

MAKE CHANGES SLOWLY

Since you aim to start out a healthy lifestyle and not a diet, make gradual changes over time.

If you're wont to drinking 10 cups of coffee each day, don’t reduce it to three cups directly. As I said, do simple swaps and reduce the intake of food slowly and gradually. After a short time, you'll crave for healthy meals quite junk.

2. BE MORE ACTIVE

Starting a healthy lifestyle includes taking care of your fitness by being more active and doing exercise.

The physical body is meant to maneuver constantly. Therefore, attempt to be more active by doing what you're keen on. It might be dancing, doing yoga, walking or lifting weights.

Some tips to remain active:

Walk small distances rather than using vehicles

Take the steps rather than the elevator

Park your car far away from the office and walk

For every hour of sitting, get up and do a stretching exercise for 10 minutes

Doing housework like cleaning, laundry, mowing the lawn, etc. helps you to burn calories and control weight.

How to start a healthy lifestyle? this text has recommendations on healthy living which will assist you to become your best self.

Doing regular exercise has many benefits for your body and mind. Exercise helps you control your weight and helps to stop many diseases.

Exercise gives you immediate benefits like increased energy and mood and a sense of well-being. Doing physical activity makes your brain release chemicals called dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, etc. These are feel-good chemicals that offer you a high after doing exercise.

You feel renewed and fresh after a workout session due to these chemicals. They also help to scale back stress and improve your psychological state.

The Department of Health and Human Services states:

For substantial health benefits, adults should do a minimum of 150 minutes (2 hours and 30 minutes) every week of moderate-intensity, or 75 minutes (1 hour and 15 minutes) every week of vigorous-intensity aerobic physical activity, or the same combination of moderate- and vigorous-intensity aerobic activity. Aerobic activity should be performed in episodes of a minimum of 10 minutes, and preferably, it should be spread throughout the week.

Adults should also include muscle-strengthening activities that involve all major muscle groups on 2 or more days every week

Hence, exercise becomes an unnegotiable a part of your life if you would like to start out a healthy lifestyle.

3. IMPROVE YOUR psychological state There is no health without a psychological state.

If you're physically fit, but your mind struggles with issues like anxiety, emotional outbursts, depression, eating disorders, etc, you would like to cure it.

We all waste no time to urge to a physician if our body gets sick. But thanks to the stigma surrounding psychological state issues, many of us suffer silently. But because of the new awareness many of us now understand that having a mental disease is normal and it's okay to hunt treatment.

Now albeit you don’t suffer from a mental disease it's necessary to stay your mind healthy.

How to start a healthy lifestyle? this text has recommendations on healthy living which will assist you to become your best self.

Tips to stay your mind healthy:

Research proves how meditation can change your brain. MRI scans taken from individuals who did regular meditation practice show that, amygdala (the brain’s center that triggers fear and anxiety), physically shrank! Doing meditation regularly helps you to regulate stress, anxiety and mood swings. to find out to start out meditating, you'll read this text on the way to start a meditation habit.

Eat foods that stimulate your brain like fatty fish (a rich source of omega 3s which may be a building block of the brain), coffee and tea (for antioxidants), bittersweet chocolate, eggs, broccoli, avocado, blueberries, nuts and seeds like pumpkin seeds, flax, etc.

Keep learning new things. check-in for brand spanking new courses and begin new hobbies. It helps to stay your mind young and active. Learning new skills stimulates brain cells and lowers the danger of dementia.

Do deep breathing. Deep breathing helps to oxygenate your body, activating the parasympathetic systema nervosum which brings relaxation. It also helps all of your systems just like the systema respiratorium, circulatory system, gastrointestinal system, etc.

The famous life coach, Tony Robbins includes a breathing session in his morning priming (read more about it here). Because consistent with him, it helps to spice up energy, relieve pain and take away toxins from our body.

He recommends taking 10 power breaths 3 times each day within the ratio 1:4:2.

Spend time with nature. It helps to spice up your happiness, reduce anxiety, soak in additional sunlight and invoke creativity. choose a night enter the woods or spend time in your garden daily to rejuvenate your mind.

Write during a journal. Journal writing helps you to unwind from all the overwhelming or disturbing thoughts and help clear your mind. I exploit my bullet journal to brainstorm new ideas and keep track of my daily activities. My new love is for printable planners that permit me to print readymade trackers and planner pages the maximum amount as I would like.

4. GET ADEQUATE SLEEP How to start a healthy lifestyle? this text has recommendations on healthy living which will assist you to become your best self.

Getting adequate sleep is a crucial pillar when it involves building a healthy lifestyle. But it's also something that we neglect the foremost due to our busy lifestyle.

Getting an honest amount of sleep is important if you would like to be at your productive best. Because sleep deprivation affects your brain’s ability to concentrate and perform at its best.

Poor sleep is additionally related to reduced immunity and lots of diseases. Therefore, regardless of how busy you're, attempt to get 7-8 hours of sleep daily.

Starting healthy habits to determine a healthy lifestyle involves making incremental changes in each area of your life. Start small, and make the changes you would like in life. be happy to ditch any habit that’s not working for you. Remember it’s a journey, not a destination.

[the3mmadil3mma]

January 23rd, 2017

This story begins on August 4, 1998. That was the day I was born. I was born into a loving family, the only child of my parents and the only grandchild of my grandparents. I spent my days at the center of attention. I am told that I was a very curious and social baby.

Three years later, my brother came along. We didn’t always get along, but we always loved each other.

Growing up, I was always a very happy kid. Whenever I could, I was playing with my friends or doing some sort of art project. I loved school. Yes, I was that kid that woke up ready to learn every day (I’m a nerd I know). At recess, my friends and I would play with fairies and try and escape the woodchip lava. We didn’t have a care in the world. Everyday was a new adventure that we couldn’t wait to go on.

Then cam middle school. Unlike most people, I actually really liked middle school. I didn’t care about what other people thought of me. I had the worst sense of fashion, only talked about Star Trek, and was afraid of breaking the rules, but I was still a happy kid.

I started high school with dreams of success. I wanted to get straight A’s, be valedictorian, and have a high school experience like you see in the movies. By October I had a boyfriend, great grades, and was having a blast. But this is where things started to change. I began to question my sexuality, which led to a lot of sleepless nights. By January, I had broken up with my boyfriend and had come out as a lesbian to a few close friends. February of 2013 was a hard month. I was just starting to have difficulty in my classes and I was still trying to accept the fact that I was gay. Then, one of my best friend’s dads passed away suddenly. He was my soccer coach and I had known him my entire life. He was like an uncle to me. The next few months were a rollercoaster of emotions. I started a relationship with my first girlfriend, had volleyball tournaments almost every weekend, and was very involved in band. I finished freshman year with straight A’s and plans for a great summer. I spent time with friends, went on some fun trips, and celebrated my 15th birthday. I had some of my best times that summer. 

By the time sophomore year started, I was feeling pretty good. But then, school started getting super stressful, I was busy with band and volleyball, and my girlfriend and I broke up. I didn’t know how to cope. Sophomore year was the first time I ever really had to study or work hard in school. The stress got to me. I started self-harming. I don’t really remember why I started, but once I did I couldn’t/didn’t want to stop. Some days I did it because I was sad, others because it was a pain I could control, but most days it was to feel something other than numb. My mother noticed around January of 2014 that I was feeling “down” so she sent me to my first therapist. I denied having a problem, she never even knew about my self-harm. I went in there every week and talked about nothing just so my mom would stop asking me about my feelings. I continued this pattern for a while until I had convinced my mom I was “okay”. At some point before summer I stopped self-harming because it’s really hard to hide when you’re wearing shorts. 

The summer after sophomore year was a weird summer. I felt okay most days. My depression had gotten much better. But, then I had summer PE. I had never been in love with my body, but it wasn’t until the summer of 2015 that I really started noticing. I began to get really anxious anytime I wore anything other than a t-shirt. I was unhappy with how I looked. So, I began to eat healthier. For three weeks during that summer, I was exercising nearly 8hrs a day between volleyball and PE. I don’t remember if I lost weight, but I do remember consciously thinking about what I was putting in my body and exercise for the first time. At the end of the summer every year I go to a summer camp. One thing we always have at camp is a ton of candy. I had told myself before the week started that this was going to be the last week I was going to have candy until Halloween. I had convinced myself that I was being extra healthy and that I didn’t need candy. It seems like a small thing, but this its where I began to spiral out of control.

Soon junior year started. I was still trying to eat healthy. It was harder than I thought. Going out with friends and getting junk food was just so much fun, especially after football games on Friday nights. I soon began to throw/give away parts my lunch. It started with cookies, then chips, and the my fruit. I soon stopped packing these items all together. Most days I would come to school with only a peanut butter sandwich, which I would throw in the trash as soon as I got there. Next I cut out breakfast. I would start every morning with unsweetened black tea, to give me energy. By late September I was only eating dinner every day. Soon, none of my clothes fit, I was cold all the time, and I spent every waking minute thinking about food. I would dread going out with friends. I was always anxious. I knew what I was doing. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t stop. I felt like I had no control over my life and so I found that control in what I put in my mouth. I lost 15lbs (10% of my body weight) in three months. This was my new form of self-harm. Sure, I hadn’t cut in 6 months, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t harming my body in other ways. And it didn’t do anything to help my depression. If anything, it made it worse. I hated everything about myself, and it showed. I was miserable. I couldn’t focus in class and I withdrew from my social life.

The holidays were the worst. Thanksgiving was a mix of anxiety and dread. I remember going on a run to “make up” for everything I was going to eat at dinner. The run was a blur and I almost passed out twice because I was pushing myself so hard. Since volleyball season was over, I had introduced over exercising into my routine. Thanksgiving night was awful. I spent a long time in the bathroom convincing myself not to throw up everything I had eaten. I was miserable and doing everything possible to hide it from my family.

Then it was finals week. I was so stressed I binged. Almost everyday I would eat so much food that my stomach felt like it was going to explode. But I managed to still get straight A’s, despite not being able to regulate my thoughts or my body temperature. Christmas was spent feeling guilty and depressed. I hated every minute of it. Then, I went to Hawaii with my family. I had to spend every meal with my family, so there was no way I could restrict. I remember constantly counting every calorie that I put in my body. I had given myself a 700 calorie a day limit. Of course I went over everyday, and that made me feel worse. While on vacation I started self-harming again. It was hard to hide because I was at the beach most days, but I managed to make it through without my mom figuring out. That was one of the worst vacations I have ever taken.

January of 2015 was a weird month. In the beginning of the month, I was determined to lose all the weight I had gained over the holidays. While dealing with that I became involved with a girl in my class. We spent almost the whole month texting and we almost stated dating. But, I realized that I was in no mindset to be in a relationship. She had her own mental health issues and in order for me to be there for her, I needed to be there for myself. So, I decided I was going to recover. On January 23rd, 2015 I broke off our friendship and began my journey in recovery. I wanted to recover for me, but I started it all for her. If I hadn’t met her, I don’t know where I’d be today. She gave me the push I needed and I will be forever grateful for that. This is the last photo I have of me before I started recovering. I look at it now and see a sick, weak, and deeply unhappy person. I never want to be her again.

I spent the first 6 weeks or so recovering by myself, without professional help. I followed a bunch of recovery accounts on Instagram, went grocery shopping for “safe” foods, and started eating more regularly. Soon, my mother noticed and confronted me about it. She asked if I wanted to see a therapist and I said yes. Starting therapy was hard for me. I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings. But just going somewhere to talk about life for an hour once a week helped. I didn’t share everything, she never even knew about my self-harm, but it definitely helped to talk thing out. I’m still in therapy today, two years later. 

Recovering from my eating disorder is one of the hardest things I have very done. I still battle with that voice inside my head everyday, telling me to restrict. Some days I’m good at blocking it out, but other days, like today for instance, I give in. I’m not done yet. I still have a long way to go, but I’m way better off than I was. My brain is still filled with the voices of depression, anxiety, and anorexia. I may have to hear them, but I don’t have to listen. Recovery is hard, but it’s not impossible. I have learned to take things one-step at a time. I have learned that not all days are going to be good days. I have learned that relapse is inevitable and a part of the process. I have learned to practice self-care/self love. 

I’m not always happy and I’m not always all right, but that’s okay. I will be on this journey my entire life, but it’s getting easier every day.

Today marks exactly two years of being in recovery. I hope by sharing my story it will show someone that they can recover too. 

To anyone that may need it:

You can recover. 

You will find happiness. 

You will learn to love yourself. 

It will be okay.