#Okay enough rambling. I've been going through it. As always. My work has been falling behind though. It's nice to have something to share!

[sleepgarden]

new headdress I'm working on for my shop. Lambkin, the pet name varré gives us in elden ring, is such a cute word. The pink yarn is very light against the cream, it's hard to capture but it "blushes" in light, almost disappearing under certain angles and light! Accented with antique lace, and it'll have a gorgeous matching ribbon and bows.

I haven't posted any personal work in a while so here's something I'm taking time on for myself ^-^

[neonovember]

This is an idea that’s been on my mind lately because Carmy would be so protective and would 100% treat his gf like a princess, so I thought I’d send it in ifs it’s okay!!🤧

Can I please request Carmy x fem!reader where it’s based off the song “Treat You Better”, where she’s one of his chefs, and Carmy has a biiiig soft spot for her, like soft smiles, hand on the small of her back. Y/n is veryyyy soft spoken and quiet, a very stark contrast to the rest of The Beef/The Bear staff. The staff absolutely love her and are super protective of her: She’s best friends with Sydney (also she’s around the same age as Syd, early 20s), Tina sees her as a daughter, Marcus is always trying to make her laugh and asks her to try his pastries, Richie is more gentle with her than he is with everyone else, Ebra has a calmness around Y/n, Sugar (when she stops by) loves treating Y/n like the little sister she never had, and Carmy… Carmy is head over heels for Y/n. He’s so soft and gentle with her, never raising his voice at her in the kitchen, and he always has the cutest nicknames for her🤧. However… Y/n has a boyfriend, they all know it, and they all share an extreme dislike for him. He’s not very nice, and it all goes to a boiling point when they spot bruises, Y/n letting her hair fall over her face.🥺 Tina and Sydney probably noticing right as she walks in one morning, then the rest of the staff noticing too, the whole kitchen getting eerily quiet, Carmy pulling her aside to his office to talk to her, holding Y/n in his arms while she cries🥺 Carmy 100% taking his bat and beating the crap out of her bf… Now ex, and he offers for Y/n to stay with him because she has nowhere to go? Their relationship growing after that? Y/n kissing him one day, shook at herself, but he kisses her back?

July in November

carmen berzatto x fem! reader

warnings: heavy domestic abuse, controlling fiance, swearing, violence, carmen goes gives absolute no regard for felonies, (assumed) unrequited love, self deprecation, victim blaming

a/n: this entire fic is just time skips l swear, I've written something similar here as well if you liked this which i hope you did! dv is a heavy subject, and not something to trivialise. if you or someone you know is going through dv, please reach out x

banner from @firefly-graphics

The streaks of concealer do little to hide the bloom of dark purples and blues.

They stretch out, clawing up your side and past your ribs, shades of overlapping blotched bruises that were not yet healed.

You were a chef trained in Oslo for god sake, you had friends and family who loved you- and you let out a laugh when the words come out pathetic and dull. 

You were right where he left you.

You suppose from the continuous uphill of your career, the exhaustion had made it easier to just sit still, let it happen. He had proposed and you had said yes unblinking. It was what he told the countless people at dinner parties he dragged you to in attendance, 

“I had finally beat her down enough to finally fall in love with me” He smiled, his eyes shining and his grip on your waist bruising as the people smiled and laughed and you swallowed back his irony.

The cycles of abuse had started before you could truly remember, bouts of angry yelling before the hot dull beat of pain. And he was so kind after, so thoughtful and apologetic, his eyebrows furrowed and his touch gentle as he leaned over you.

Were you still a victim, if you wanted to stay just for the after?

You shake your head, slowly blinking at the reflection of your bloated torso. Peeling away your shirt gently before buttoning up one of your work shirts instead.

Your heart settled when you thought of the Bear. It was your haven, Richie’s rambled drivel, Sugar hovering every so near, Carmen with his eyes and his inked hands and his sweet mouth. It wrapped around you more tightly than those bruises ever could.

You look over to watch your fiancé, fast asleep content with a full stomach and tired fists. He was so vulnerable like that, and the feeling of anger unfurls in your gut. For once, just one time you wanted him to feel it, that gut wrenching frightened feeling.

You look over to the stone doorstep near his desk, the stupid thing that he had revered at one of his art conventions that was left keeping the door open. You wonder, just for a second, what it would feel like to lean over him with it between your hands, waiting for the slight blink of his eyes that clear away the sleep. 

Watch the fear melt into them, and smashing his fucking face with it.

You breathe deeply, arranging your hair so it is out of your face, flattening out the creases in your shit and avoiding your stomach as you stood up and grabbed your bag.

“Where are you going” 

You blink, hands gripping your work bag as his voice bellows “Work”

“Huh. We need to sort that out soon”

You stopped, closing your eyes as you fiddled with the loose threads from the shoulder strap. You knew this conversation, where he would bring up another thing in your life he wanted to talk about, as if your relationship was built on a solid base of understanding and conversation. You would wait until his voice would ripen with jealousy and rage, where thinly veiled inquisition would fall away and reveal what he truly wanted. 

You had given him enough of your life, let him change and control it. But you would soon let yourself be buried then let him take this too from you. No fucking way.

“Sure”

You pass by the door, pushing the stone to the side. It wasn’t heavy at all.

It’s when you enter the back door of the Bear do you realise you’ve spent your whole commute over holding your breath.

The smells of sauces and expensive meats lulls your anxiety into a mummering tremble, and you sigh softly to yourself as you sling your bag into your locker.

You can already hear Richie arguing, and the tired voice of Carmen biting back and you want to slap yourself for all the times you had grown annoyed at them. What you would give to hear them always, to feel this level of safety and comfort without the overhanging timer of when you would eventually have to leave.

You nod towards Sydney, carrying a large tray of roasted pecans over to Sam, her braids intricately wrapped around her head.

The walkway is framed with pictures of the family, from Mickey to the recent Polaroids of Sugar's newborn. You notice a framed picture of the team from years ago, when you had first started working at the Bear. You’re squished between Carmen and Fak, the backdrop of a renovating Bear behind you all. 

The timidiness of being new had not left then, and despite the family enveloping you as their own you had wondered why Carmen had chosen you out of all the decorated chefs that had surely applied. You had asked him this once, after an exhausting dinner rush and he had simply looked up at you from his plate of stolen steak and eggs. 

“You’ve got something, Kid. Maybe it’s because you hadn’t yet gotten the light beaten out from the culinary world but I need that. Need someone who pushes against the boundaries you know?”

You had stayed quiet as he talked

“And you’re a local. Boston isn’t for the faint of heart, you know your diners better than they know themselves. Call it prejudice, I call it a safety cushion.“

You wondered what she would think of you now, her wide eyed dream so close you could see her tight grip on her chef coat in the grainy photograph.

You follow the noise of the crew into the kitchen, when Carmen is hunched over a chopping board and Richie is pointing out problems in the seating arrangement for tonight.

He exhales, ready to start another contingent when he spots your figure walking through the entryway.

“Finally. Someone fucking competent in this place” 

“Hey Richie” You smile, tightening your apron before biting back a wince. The darkness of your life outside of the Bear had a way of seeping in at times, you had grown too comfortable.

“Hey baby, you good? yeah?” Richie replies

“Richie-“ Carmen interrupts, turning his head to face you for the first time in an hour (which you did not realise but Riche surely did) 

“Fuck off. Fuck you. You sure baby? Need me to get you somethin? I got a pack of Marlboros if you need a break”

“Leave her alone, dammit Richie, and a cigarette this early?”

“Oh! Oh! The addict wants to act holier than thou all of a sudden. Just because you slapped on a couple Nic patches-“

“It’s gum and it’s fucking working asshole”

“The L hold you up?” Richie says, throwing the finger at Carmen

“No, no, um, just got in a little fight with David” You reply, cutting your eyes away from him.

Richie rolls his eyes with a groan, a sour expression filters over his face in flash at the mention of your fiance’s name.

“That fuckin’ guy, I swear that boyfriend of yours” Richie groans

“It was my fault really.”

You notice Carmen’s movements stop abruptly, the chopping growing silent with his back turned to you.

“I highly doubt that” Carmen grumbles, before Tina and Sydney come through the door

“Hey, why were you late you missed out on that guy who tried fighting Fak-”

“Her stupid fucking boyfriend”

“Easy” Carmen replies, turning to face you again

“Hey, c’mon Carmen you of all people know that man does not deserve her one fucking bit”

“Darling you need to get rid of that man I’m telling you, he ain't treating you the way you deserve. There's no good keeping an angry man” Tina chides, eyebrows raised as she wipes her fingers on the cloth draped over her shoulder.

“Yeah, he's a dick. And he’s always just…hovering when he comes.” Sydney replies

“And always talk in this condescending tone, adding random words to sound smarter than he is” Marcus’s voice interjects, peeking from around the pastry corner

“Like pseudo-intellectual goddamn-” Tina grumbles, in lightning speed

“Yuppie” Fak continues, and Tina nods 

“All I’m saying doll, is that if you end up dumpin’ him we’d be right behind ya’. Might throw a little party here, a small one…how much does it cost to hire some fireworks?”

“Ease up guys, her love life ain’t got nothing to do with us alright. Let the girl be” Carmen voice bellows “And we got work to do”

He turns to the rest of them, shaking his head feigning annoyance at the team gathering together to gossip. And yet, his hands grip his towel tight enough to leave them white, and his teeth grind against his molars when he thinks of your boyfriend.

You don’t know how they'd react when they find out he proposed, you can’t exactly hide a ring.

“Hey” You smile towards Carmen, who’s twisted features blink into resolve when he hears you

“Hey” He nods, wincing as he pressed his fingers to his temple gingerly.

“Still got that headache?”

“I’ll be fine, just wish it would save the eye stabbing until after dinner service”

“Here”

“I’m alright-“

“Take it” you repeat, pressing some pain killers in his hand.

Carmen nods gratefully, hands clasped around yours for a second longer. Before they part.

He eyes the pills, and for a second you see this puzzled look gleam across his eyes.

He pops them in his mouth, you let out a breath from your chest quietly.

You kept your work and home life separate, Carmen didn’t need nor should carry the burden of this ugly secret that paints you from the inside out.

You had a lid on it. You were sure.

You let yourself get lost in the ingrained memory of moving around the kitchen, letting the slice of your knife against the flesh of meat and fruit melt away everything you had been shouldering the past year.

It gets busy, really busy, Richie and Carmen fail to cohabitate in the hours of the dinner service, multiple plates are dropped, you almost can’t keep up with the never ending orders coming in but its also fucking amazing. The rush of delivering every component of a plate in time, making sure the meat is cooked until just right, making sure the sauce isn't runny, it feels like dancing. 

Your legs and arms ache, you have a headache and your apron is stained and you can’t tell the difference between the end of the dinner service and hitting the last step of a choreographed dance.

The high that buzzes through your body is mirrored by everyone around you, and you take a second to sink in that feeling of euphoria as the last tables are cleared.  

“That was..” You start, un-hunching your shoulders as the rest of the team look up in a daze, surrounding the kitchen

“Fuckin’ amazing, might be our best night yet” Richie grins, bobbing his chin as it rests on his hands

“That was good..we could've been a bit better at turning the tables-” Carmen murmurs

“Oh c’mon Carmy, we can talk about the finalities later but even you can admit that was pretty good” Sydney calls out, leaning her head against the door frame, as exhausted pulls at her every feature

“Yeah…yeah it was good”

“No one go anywhere, I’ve got left over schnitzel and potatoes and I know none of you have taken a break”

“How long has it been since we’ve sat down for family?” Tina mumbles, wiping her stained apron tiredly

“Too long, I don’t mind fixin’ it up” You stretch out your arms, unbuttoning your chef's coat and folding it neatly, despite Sugar throwing them into the sink to soak for the night later.

“I’ll help” Carmen nods to you, doing the same with his apron. His dark crew neck that sticks to him reveals with every button, outlining the indentations of his chest and biceps.

Family usually consists of throwing whatever leftovers from the night's dinner service onto a large plate and proceeding to throw some forks near it. There had been a long trail of food combinations that either delighted the crew or had you throwing your towel in and going to the taco truck nearby.

Today however, the night had gone so well and had distracted you even better. You could at least make up some plates, make ‘em look pretty or whatever else your hands had been trained to do.

The rest of the team move the tables to form one large spanning diner in the middle of the Bear, the scrape of wood against flooring is all that fills the air as you and Carmen work silently. You’re good together, that sort of chemistry that only comes with understanding a person so well you can anticipate their next move. And the night feels like a dance again, moving left and right, handing him pieces of chicken and spoonfuls of sauce, wiping plates clean and centering them right.

It’s only when Richie comes tumbling through the double doors does it cause Carmen to jump, spilling the ladle of hot gravy across your shirt. You wince, Carmen lets out a garbled grunt and Richie cringes.

Carmen is quick, reaching for a nearby cloth as he begins to lift up your shirt gingerly. The sauce isn't boiling, but there is a slight stinging heat that radiates across your midsection and you're too distracted and uncomfortable that you forget yourself, and let Carmen reveal you.

It takes Carmen a second, he's pulling your shirt up just below your underbra, and his fingers pause against the fabric.

You’re confused just for a moment, but it stretches out, and you let yourself sit in the fantasy of unknowing, you let yourself imagine a life where what was sprawled across your skin was just the remnants of a soggy shirt and irritated skin.

The truth of it hits you when you watch Carmen's face change in front of you.

“What the fuck?”

“Don’t-”

“What?” Richie calls, coming closer before throwing his head back

“Jesus fuckin' christ kid” 

“I-I we got into a fight-“

“A fight? He beat you!”

“You don’t understand-”

“Maybe I don’t but this-“ Carmen gestures to the welts and colours that paint your stomach “Is one of the worst things I’ve seen in a long time”

Carmen’s hands are still gripping your shirt, the rag dropped to the floor between you now as you lower your head and let your hair cover your eyes.

“I’m sorry-“ You croak out, tongue heavy and eyes blurring with tears.

“Sorry-?” Carmen circuses down to meet your eyes incredulously “You’re sorry? Why are you fucking sorry, look what he fucking did to you!- what has he done to you?”

“Hey hey, honey you need to tell us what happened. This isn’t right, no fight can justify this” Richie whispers, crouching near you as he watches Carmen carefully.

“It was an accident”

“Do you truly believe that?” Richie murmurs softly, and you look up with a furrow of your brow. 

You turn to Carmen whose face is twisted in anger, his eyes on your midsection, his hands around your sides and around you.

“I don’t know anymore..I’m just so tired” You whimper, your throat growing tight as Carmen’s brows furrow, blinking and grinding his jaw

“I’m going to fucking kill him-“

“Hey, Carmen wait just- wait” Richie is quick to reach Carmen as he rears back

“Look at her- he can’t-FUCK”

“I know, and we will. I want to break his goddamn legs but we got to think of her. We need to get her out of this, we need to think about her first”

Carmen closes his eyes as you watch their interaction, and he turns to you as you blink the tears that drop down your cheek. He frowns and waits for your approval and you nod, and Richie lets go of him and he gathers you in his arms and lets you cry the last of your resolve on his shoulder.

You don’t tell him anything, and he doesn’t ask. He lets you wet his shoulder as the silence that sits in the kitchen is consumed by your muffled cries instead. 

The commotion causes the rest of the team to flood in, putting the pieces together when they see your shoulders shaking with grief and your unbuttoned top. The bear hung with the sick reality of a beat woman, and the once hungry crew now felt the nauseous image in front of them fill their stomach.

Sydney is the one that eases you out of Carmen’s arms, and pulls your hair back as she whispers apologies into your ear. She takes you to the emergency room to make sure nothing is broken. When the nurses greet you by name she waits until you're in the examination room before sobbing into Tina’s arms.

“How did I not notice, I see her every goddamn day, how did I not notice he was hurting her?”

“Don’t do that, don’t blame yourself. There is only one person to blame”

The rest of the team follows, and they all sprawl across the waiting room, heads between their hands.

After one of the junior doctors gives you the all clear, and Carmen and Richie follow up on the police report you make your way down the linoleum hallway in the crumbled stained shirt that had started this all.

You blink as you watch the faces of everyone you love look up in worry, exhaustion is written into their bones and still they sit in the too small waiting chairs for you. You had never felt a love like that before, so profound and overwhelming clear and you breathe it in deeply like it's the last thing you’ll taste.

“I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t you fuckin dare-”

“I know, I know, just please hear me.”

They relent, and you wait until they all nod towards you before continuing

“You guys have taken me as your own, made me feel a part of something greater than myself.  I don’t want you to think I was unloved” Your voice heightens with the wet tears that fill your throat

“Every single time I came through those doors I felt it okay? I never understood the power of it, of love, but I feel it now and I felt it then. It just got muddled in the middle of all of this, of all the things I keep hidden. And that is my fault, but you guys, the Bear? You guys kept me alive” You whisper the last part, your voice caught in your throat as you try to still the shake your hands.

“You did nothing wrong baby, nothing. It’s hard to leave isn’t it? It’s hard to even say it” Ebra is the first one to whisper, holding your hands gently and carefully. You look at him, as his eyes gleam with the heaviness of his past and you don’t quite understand how, but you believe he knows that well. 

“We’re your family, whatever it is that you're dealing with we shoulder it to, we carry that burden. That is what we're here for, and you can take all the time that you need. Let us help you, but you know what happens now, yes?” Richie murmurs

“I need to get out”

“Damn fucking right you do. And fast, I know it's going to be hard but you need to act like everything is normal. Get in, pack a bag and get out.”

You breathe in deeply, remembering all the half packed duffle bags that had been left near the door. This time you wouldn't be able to back out, this time Carmen would make sure of it.

“Where’s Carmen?” You suddenly say, and Richie shifts his gaze to the exit sign.

“Maybe give him a few moments Kid” Richie murmurs, but you ignore him, moving quickly towards and out of the doors into the smoking area in the alleyway.

You spot him hunched over, back against the stone wall, trails of grey smoke filters from his mouth as you tsk loudly when you near him.

He raises his head up, widening his eyes before looking down at the cigarette.

“You were doing so good” You smile softly

“Yeah? Felt like pulling teeth, not grabbing for one every couple hours.”

“But those chewing gums”

Carmen shakes his head “Don’t tell Rich, but they were fucking disgusting”

You let out a hearty laugh, leaning back on the wall beside him.

Carmen takes one last deep drag, before pressing the butt of the stick into the wall that isn't near you.

It’s silent, and you feel him watching you for a long time before his voice replies in a croaky tear filled tone you had never heard come out of his mouth before.

“Goddamn it kid”

“I know” You reply instantly, the tears that you thought had left you were big fat liars.

“I want to blame myself, I will for a long time but this isn’t about me is it”

You shake your head furiously, it was so far apart from him. 

“What can I do? What can I do to make it better?” Carmen whispers, turning to face you fully now, eyes red and blonde curls messy across his brows.

“It’s not something you can fix Carm, you just got to let me do it. Let me walk away completely”

Carmen grits his teeth, “I should’ve made more attention-”

“How? Between renovating the Bear, organising the menu, fucking opening and maintaining the dinner service every night?”

Carmen shakes his head and you tug at his arm gently

“I didn’t let you notice Carm, I hid it well sometimes I even forgot about it. The bear, you? You let me forget, you let me feel so safe I forgot what he was doing to me”

Carmen reaches for your hand, holding onto it gently 

You shake your head, shaking the tears along with it. You hadn’t so much as let yourself hear the truth of what had been happening, but it flowed out of your mouth like a river into Carmen.

“He got drunk one night” You whisper, biting your cheek as you bristle at the memory of it

“He got drunk one night, and started accusing me of these horrible things. Things I would never do. And when I tried talking to him he just turned to me with this look in his eyes, and it was so unlike him Carm. It was like someone else had come and taken his body, and his voice and his mouth”

“And when I reached for him he reached back. And then I suppose I got used to being afraid of him”

“I don’t know what changed that night, but it did. Or maybe he had always been that way and I had been to blind by the feeling of being wanted that I ignored it. But it got worse, he hit me, but he started controlling what I was doing. Always flinging my phone in my face so that he could look for something that wasn’t there, eyes always scrutinising me when I came home fucking exhausted from the Bear.”

“That was how it started, and I guess it never quite ended” You murmur, and when Carmen drags his thumb across your cheek, you understand the rage that he had kept covered for you.

“I’m going to hurt him. And that's more for me than it is for you, I know it and I don’t care. He doesn't get to walk away.” Carmen replies after a beat, and his voice is even. You can see his anger from before slipping into the darkness of his pupils, but his voice is clear and devoid.

“I know” You murmur

“And you’re going to stay with me till we get you a place. Tina and Syd offered and well the whole team, but I can’t-”

“I know, you can’t put them in danger”

“No. I can’t let it happen, you being alone, him somehow getting to you. You being hurt again-” Carmen shakes his head, grinding his jaw as he cuts his eyes away.

“Okay” You mumble, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of your secret that had weighed you down every day fall away.

The month after had passed quicker than any other time in your life. And for that you were grateful. You had packed a bag and moved into Carmen's apartment that night, and he and Richie had made good on their promise. They watched, as well as the rest of the Bear with a sneer as your fiance was carried into the police station, and you watched the mirror of your injuries multiplied across his face. 

The police had been slow in taking action, even you know this, so you suppose their tight lipped expressions at the beaten man they found in your trashed apartment made up for that.

Carmen slept near the door for the first two weeks, a bat in his hand and his notebook of recipes filled with scribbled annotations. Tossing and turning enough times, made you wrap your blanket around yourself and join him by the door. You would wake up some nights, in a sweat from the terror of your nightmare imagining him somehow finding you, and you would join him those times as well.

The truth of all that had happened still had not yet been told, and you doubt that it ever will. But you were okay with that, and Carmen was too. And so when your fiance had been tried and sentenced, and the promise of broken bones hung over him even years after, Carmen had made no mention of finding you a place. 

And so you stayed, and made a home for yourself. Let your shoes get muddled and clutter the hallway, have your toothbrush besides his own. Move in the last pieces of yourself that had been left in that prison to a place that could maybe change them.

You spent Thursdays with Richie, he’d wait at the foyer for you and he'd take you out for lunch like clockwork. Divulging in your week as he did his, he let you steal some of his cigarettes and you let him ramble to you. Richie had surprised you, when all was said and done. He had known what to do, knew how to talk to you, and you think you credit him to a lot of where you were now. You suppose he blames himself a little as well, so you don’t mind that Thursdays were his way of checking up on you.

You let the team act the same way, Tina bringing you plates of food and tupper wares of lasagna till Carmen's fridge was hard to open, Sydney calling every day, Ebra and Marcus making sure you had someone who could walk you home if Carmen had to stay back. And when you had finally had enough, they nodded and backed away and let you out of their grip.

You're crouched in the fire escape of Carmen's building, passing a bottle of wine that you had snuck from service. 

“I visited him today”

“What?” Carmen replies, knowing immediately who you were talking about.

You shrug your shoulders, “I was too much of a mess to confront him, and the court proceedings left me too numb to even face him. But I went today, and I told him. What he had done, how he had changed.”

“But then he laughed and I punched him in his goddamn mouth”

“Atta girl” Carmen grins, his smile filling up the entire bottom of his face.

“So I can’t ever come back to the Boston Corrections facility, and boy am I glad. You know what this means though right?”

“Hm?” Carmen mumbles with a mouthful of street tacos

“You can’t ever get yourself thrown in prison” You chide, and you smile when he throws his head back in laughter

“Seriously Carm?” You bemoan, resting against the living room entryway

“Yes, the bed is strictly meant for you. What do you take me for? Letting a woman sleep on the couch” Carmen gruffs, carefully placing the duvet over the couch cushions.

“It’s been nearly a year since I’ve moved in, Carmen. I don’t think it's ridiculous to assume we can share a bed together”

Carmen grinds his jaw, swallowing back grunt at the thought of sharing a bed with you. As if it was no big thing, as if Carmen would be able to sleep with you next to him.

“It’s called being a host”

“I signed the lease 2 months ago, we’re technically de-facto” You raise your eyebrows, folding your hands across your chest

“The only time I’ll let the government decide what we are is when-if I put a ring on that finger” Carmen replies, the little slip causing him to cut his eyes from you and back to the duvet that was already folded.

You shake your head with a laugh “This you’re way of proposing Carm? Take a girl out for dinner first”

Carmen mumbles under his breath, flattening the duvet with his inked hands before his phone buzzes

“Goddamnit, that’s Richie. 

“Leave that sofa and let's go down to meet our friends and have a nice time. God knows we’ve earned more than a few drinks at Nick’s” You reply, swiping Carmen’s phone

“Hey!”

“You weren’t even going to answer him” You roll your eyes.

You send Richie a text that was all apologetic and none grammatically correct as you shuffle out of your work pants into some jeans. 

The team was already at the bear, halfway through the first round of drinks and you’d be damned if you let Carmen make the both of you late.

Carmen is in jeans as well, and the white shirt he always dons fits around his chest tightly. You can lie to yourself most days, but in times like this, where you both live in this domestic bubble your mind wanders.

You don’t let it too much.

But when you're visiting family, and you pass by the Louisiana welcome sign planted in the roadway, and the weather gets warm and the nights stretch out you let yourself think of him. You let yourself imagine a life where he was entwined, in you, your life, your days while you drink on the porch of your family home.

The thought of being in anything new scares you to no end, your past finds you in moments you least expect and dredges you down to the same feeling you felt when you were with him.

But Carmen was your past too wasn’t he? He was muddled and interlinked with all the memories that make your chest ache and your hands shake. Carmen didn’t feel new..you had already been living with each other for a year now, and you suppose the way you both flow into each other's lives was no different.

You’d be together, in the way you had always been but different also. You’d get to grow familiar of the taste of him, you’d get to feel him under your skin, beneath your fingers, and he’d sleep in that fucking bed for the first time in a year.

Then the sun would dip below the horizon, the sounds of the insects and birds would come back to you, and the creeping shadow of guilt and insecurity would remind you of who you were again. 

You’d taste the bitter embarrassment of forcing Carmen to be that way with you, throwing your head back as you gulp down the beer in your hand as you try to stave away the taste. The dream disappears each time from you, like the oranges and reds that paint the Louisiana sky every evening.

“Hey, we going or what?” Carmen says, his eyes narrowing at, you noticing the way your eyes glaze over.

“Yeah, yes” You nod, swallowing the thoughts of him quickly as you finish tying your boots and let Carmen lock the door behind you. 

The bar is surprisingly crowded on a Tuesday night, and you have to squeeze past crowds of leather wearing bikers before finally seeing the team seated in a long booth at the back.

“Finally!” Richie yells, hands in the air and his beer swishing out of the neck.

“We were about to send a search party” Tina smiles, looking toward you with a glint in her eyes when she notices Carmen’s arm at your back.

“Aren’t you guys like, a 2 minute walk from this place? Fak got here before you” Marcus replied, his old fashioned nursed in your arms.

“I had no involvement in our tardiness, he was too busy fixing his makeshift couch bed”

“Oh don’t tell me your still sleeping on that” Richie’s eyes widen

“You know that ain’t even a good couch right? We found it on the side of the road-“ 

“It’s not good for your back Carmen, all those cushions” Ebra shakes his head disapprovingly.

“It’s perfectly fine Ebra, and who would I be if I let a woman sleep on the couch?” Carmen grumbles, as both slide into the booth next to Sydney.

“I mean, there is an easy straightforward solution” Sydney murmurs, and everyone turns to her quickly.

“You could both just sleep in the same bed together” She replies, after looking at everyone dumbfounded.

“Only married people share a bed, that’s Sicilian tradition”

“Yeah, mixing work and personal life isn’t-“

“Mixing? They already live together!” Sydney replies, defensively.

“Wouldn’t be surprised if they’re already” Four murmured, before snapping his mouth closed when Carmen narrows his eyes to him.

“It’s not about fucking tradition, or whatever. I’m not gonna put her-you in that situation and make you uncomfortable”

“Why would you make me uncomfortable?” You murmur without thinking, and the booth goes quiet.

Carmen shakes his head, blinking as you remain quiet.

You wince at the silence, maneuvering your body quickly out of the booth as you almost fall out.

“Uh-I’m going to get a drink” You reply quickly 

Carmen's body isn’t fast enough for his legs and he stands up from his position on the booth quickly, almost tumbling over.

 “I’ll come with you”

You shake your head, forcing a tight smile as you wave him off.

“It’s okay, I know your order” You reply quickly, turning around without seeing the look on Carmen’s face.

You slide into one of the vacant barstools, signalling to the bartender as they make the rounds across the counter.

The rows of silver bracelets that hang around the bartender's wrists cling as they mix and shake drinks, and you let yourself get lost in the glittering light show of them reflecting off the bar lights. They distract you enough to not notice the man that now leers over you.

You flinch when you feel his hand touch your shoulder, and when you turn expecting one of the guys from the Bear you're taken back when you're met with a five o clock shadow and a stink of vodka.

“What's a girl like you doin’ all alone?” 

“I’m good” You grit out from between your teeth

“Oh c’mon, you girls love to play hard but what you really need-”

“I said leave me alone asswhole” You spit, roughly moving his latched fingers from your shoulder. 

The man sneers, his voice growing louder and sloppy as he begins to swear at you. His hands find their way to your waist, and the shiver of disgust turns into a familiar sharp pain as you shout out.

“You fucking bitch” The man starts, before you see the flash of dirty blonde curls cover your vision and the feeling of his fingers around you is wrenched off.

Carmen’s hands are around his neck, and he slams him into the wooden floors of the Bar with ease. He holds him there before turning to look up at you, his eyes blown out and his eyebrows furrowed behind his curls. Your chest heaves as you meet his gaze, and you watch as his eyes trail down your body, almost surveying the extent of your injuries and filing it into his mind so that it is all he thinks about when he breaks the skin across his knuckles.

You watch Carmen work, watch the way his shoulders and back contorts under every movement that lands a punch into the man's face. The buzzing chatter of the bar increases, as people begin to take notice of the shouts of frazzled swears and slobby slurs that leave the man's mouth. Someone screams there is a fight, and the bartender mutters obscenities as they try to push through the crowd.

Carmen lands punch after punch into his face, with no real sense of stopping as his movements grow more and more crazed with every crack of skin and dribble of blood that paints his hands. Carmen's eyes look determined, like he had a goal to all of this, and when Richie and the rest of the team pushes past the crowd and shouts out to him to stop, he looks up at you do you know.

You didn’t get to see what he had done to your husband, or how. But now, he takes his time with the man under him who kicks and fails, blubbering out blood and drool. He continues to stare at you, and the rest of the patrons look on in horror as the man under Carmen becomes disguised by the brutality of Carmens fists across his body. You hear the crack of bone, and when the man screams out a loose and garbled apology from the swollen tongue of his mouth, does Carmen flick his eyes down to him.

“You’re sorry? Yeah?” Carmen murmurs, softly

The man nods eagerly, his mouth filling with blood and his eyes swollen

“I’m not sure I believe that” Carmen replies, sending his foot into the mans stomach as he keels over

“Okay, Carmen that's enough” Richie calls out

“All I did was ask her a question!” The man screams out, his words jagged and unclear

“Hey, you shut the fuck up” Richie replies, before clocking his head to try and meet Carmens gaze who is back on you

“Look man, I get it. That one time wasn’t enough, but you can’t keep doing this”

Carmen grinds his teeth, as you look on in awe as his knuckles bleed violently, throwing his arm up and swinging down onto the man.

You got what you needed from this, and so when you step closer to Carmen and turn your head to the side you can only think of one thing

“I’m banned for at least 12 months” 

You watch his fingers loosen around the man's bloody shirt, and Carmen wipes his hands across the man's chest before slowly straightening up from his crouched position.

“Get the fuck out, the both of you before the cops get here” The bartender grits out, shaking his head.

Carmen nods, “I’m not fucking sorry”

“Yeah yeah I know” The bartender rolls his eyes, before you grab Carmen's arm and push through the gawking faces of onlookers

You find a door leading out to a side alleyway, and you both fall out from the door into a combined heap.

“I had to do it okay? The way he was looking at you and that fucking hand around your side I couldn’t just let him-“ Carmen starts, chest heaving up and down and the splatter of spit and blood across his jaw

You don’t let him finish the rushed words that fall out of his mouth before you cover it with your own. Gripping onto the loose collar of his shirt, you drink down the anger and violence that had been festering on the both of you.

Carmen tastes sweet, like the cranberry jus he had been preparing, and rough too, like his worn workmen jacket and the pepper taste of his nicotine gum.

You realise then that you would never taste something as great as that, and that you would be chasing the feeling of how Carmen’s lips against your own vibrates through you from head to foot.

You pull away with quickness, chest heaving and eyes wide as you feel Carmen’s mouth warm your chest.

Carmen doesn’t blink, he stares at you, the brittle Chicago winter blowing his hair across his forehead and the distant sound of sirens and he stares at you.

“I’m not sorry” You whisper, pressing your lips together

“Good” Carmen replies before you’ve even uttered the last word.

And when you blink the cold smoke of his breath is over you again, his inked fingers cradle your head and he takes your mouth again.

You don’t stop the crash of your open mouths and dipping tongues until the warmth of Carmen covers you entirely, until November in Chicago feels like July.

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[ahgasegotarmy116]

Seven Days to Fall Again | Monday | Jeon Jungkook

Inspired by the MV "Seven" by Jung Kook ft. Latto (obvi lol) Summary: Dinner and a Breakup. You're ready to end things but Jungkook asks for a second chance, not willing to let you go. Paring: Reader x Jungkook (almost exes to lovers lol) Word Count: 3.4k Warnings: No real warnings honestly just an argument. Start from the beginning

I watch from outside the restaurant window, seeing as he has already been seated and has ordered his favorite wine along with what I can assume is mine right across from his. 'You got this. It's better for the both of us if we just end things here and go our separate ways' I coach myself, hoping to gain some sense of resolve to help carry me through this dinner and do what I've been meaning to do for a while now.

As soon as I grab the handle I see that I've finally caught his eye and he stands up waiting patiently for me to come sit down with him. "There you are" he says with a warm smile and goes to give me a quick kiss to which I turn away a bit, making his lips ultimately land on my cheek. He pull away, giving me a questioning look and I make quick excuses, not wanting to start a fight right away. 

"Lipgloss, sorry. I know you don't like the feeling of it on your lips after kissing me" I say giving his as genuine of a smile as I can muster up, given the circumstances. "I don't really mind it," he says giving me a kiss on my forehead this time instead, "but thank you for telling me anyways" he says with his hands on my cheeks looking at me lovingly, placing a quick pec on my lips before he leads me over to my chair and pulls it out for me to sit down. 

"I thought you had forgotten about me" he teases while he walks back around to sit back down. "Traffic was horrible and I lost track of time" I say taking a quick swig of my wine, praying the alcohol hits my system as fast as possible. Needing what they always refer to as 'liquid courage' to help take the edge off. "Slow down love, let's get some food in you before you start on that" he says, his brows pinched together in confusion. Clearly puzzled as to what might be causing this sudden change in character.

"I just forgot how much I love this wine" I say taking another big gulp, not paying attention to maintaining a lady like image until this alcohol mellows my senses. "We can pick some up whenever you like Noona" he says amused but still concerned at my sudden excitement in my poison of choice as some might say. 

After having what is now my temporary fill of my wine Jungkook suggests we order so the alcohol doesn't hit me too hard, both of us knowing how messy I can get a times but not really voicing it. "Do you know what you'd like to order?" he asks, trying to maintain some sort of conversation between us. "I'm not too sure, I'm trying to decided between these two an-" "Are you ready to order?" our waiter asks while also taking the liberty of refilling our glasses. 

"I think we'll need another minute or so" Jungkook answers for the both of us. "Oh it's okay I think I know what I want now" I say butting in before the waiter leaves. "Oh no that's okay honey we can take an extra second for you to think a little more" he says waving off the waiter, disregarding what what I had said and making the choice for me. 

"Okay" I say dragging out the last syllable a bit and mumbling that I was ready and will order the same thing no matter how much time he thinks I need under my breath. "What was that love?" he questions, catching onto how my demeanor has changed a bit. "Nothing don't worry about it" I say and go back to scanning the menu.

Once the waiter has taken our order Jungkook decides to start asking me about my day. "It was okay, I wasn't too busy at work so it was kind of boring" I reply, giving somewhat of a vague answer but not enough for him to get suspicious. I decide to ask him about his day in turn so he can ramble off for a bit while I try to figure out how to go about this. 

"Jungkook" I say grabbing his attention after he's spoken for a while, cutting him off. He hums in acknowledgment, not bothered at my sudden interruption. But before I'm able to say anything else our food is brought out to our table.

"Was there anything else I could get you?" the waiter asks cutting off the conversation for a moment, another interruption by him added to the tally. "Oh no that's okay I think we're fine" Jungkook answers again for both of us before checking in with me and once again the waiter is sent on his way.

"Now what were you saying love?" he asks now bringing his attention back to me but the rumbling in my stomach leaving me unable to focus. "Nothing can we just eat now? I didn't realize how hungry I was" I laugh off awkwardly.

"Of course go ahead. I hope you end up liking what you ordered" he smiles. 'I had more than enough time to think about it thanks to you' I say to myself, irritated by that previous event that happened moments ago yet again.

"I'm sure I will" I say and take that first bite, realizing it's not what I ordered. "What's wrong?" he says immediately noticing the look on my face. "No I'm fine, it's just the wrong order" I say and take a drink of water to wash out the flavor, being caught off guard by the taste. "I can call the waiter back if you want to send it back" he says and takes a quick look around trying to find him. 

"No it's fine don't worry about it. I don't mind" I say and go ahead to make the effort and take another bite, now tasting a bit better since I know what to expect this time. "But it's not what you ordered" he says, but before he's able to lift his hand up to wave them down I take his hand in mine bringing his attention back over to me. "Jungkook it's fine, let's just go back to eating" I say sternly to which he finally pays attention to, now clearly using my age as a reminder to get him to listen to me.

"Okay Noona. But can we at least switch dishes? I know you'll like mine better than yours!" he offers, hoping this will provide some sort of solution. "Sure" I say and give him a sweet smile after seeing his doe eyes go round, genuinely wanting to find a way to make me happy. We switch plates but end up spilling some water on the floor in the meantime leaving a big puddle right next to us. 

"Waiter!" Jungkook calls for someone to come help. "I'm so sorry do you think you could give us some napkins so I can clean this up?" he asks, clearly embarrassed by the situation once they reach us. "Oh don't worry about it sir, I'll have someone come out to clean it up" the waiter says before scurrying off to the back to find someone to help with the mess. 

"I'm sorry" I say and try to come out from around the table and help pick up some of the bigger shards of glass. "Don't apologize, it was my fault" he excuses. "And don't worry about picking up the glass, I've got it" he says going to grab a smaller piece but pulls his hand back after having sliced his finger right on contact. 

"This is why you need to leave things to me sometimes" I say sitting back up and giving him a napkin to wrap his finger in to stop the bleeding.  "I'm sorry Noona I-" "Keep some pressure on it and go to the bathroom to wash it off" I say sternly cutting him off, not looking for any arguments to which he mouthes a silent 'okay' and heads towards the bathroom to do as I say.

"Is everything okay over here?" a bus boy says, coming over to clean up the mess. "Um yeah everything is fine" I say not really wanting to get into it. "If you're planning on breaking up with him then go for it. It'll be less messy if you just get it over with.

"How did you know?" I say widening my eyes at him once the words have left his mouth. "Girly it doesn't take a genius to tell that you're unhappy" he says before turning to leave, me now confused more than ever. "Are you okay?" Jungkook asks me, somehow sneaking up on me on his way back. 

"I think we should break up" I blurt out, surprising even myself by how easily it came out after talking to that bus boy. Who knew that it would just take one last push for me to finally speak my mind. "What? Why?" he asks completely caught off guard by the abrupt nature of the statement.

"Jungkook, I haven't been happy for a while and I know you probably haven't noticed that you're unhappy as well because you've just become too comfortable in this relationship" he tries to interrupt but I stop him by raising my hand and he gets the memo and sinks back in his chair to listen.

"We've been together for two years already and I feel like we're at the same place we were back then. It feels like I'm the same person I was back then and so are you. We haven't grown and changed at all, as a couple or individually. I feel like my life is going in slow motion, I'm still working on my damn degree because I cut down on my class load to get a job to help pay for our bills and I've lost all motivation to continue pursuing it" I say and take a deep breath.

"You could always quit your job so you can focus on your studies. I told you before that I make enough to support the both of us" he says, having been given an opportunity to jump in. "That's not the point. Do you know how horrible I would feel if I was living off of my younger boyfriend's money? Do you know what people would say about us, about me?" I say, him adding more fuel to the fire unknowingly. 

"They would say I'm a gold digger and that I was too lazy to try and make something out of my life. That I'm taking too much time to finish college and I should just give up on it all together and get a real job" I continue. "I thought you didn't care about what people think" he says quietly infuriating me even more since he obviously knows the answer to his stupid question but decides to make that comment anyways. 

"Well I obviously do" I say and sit back taking a breather for a second, giving him a chance to say something since he obviously feels the need to interrupt. "Did I do something? Did I say something that might've caused you to feel this way? I'll fix, it just tell me" he says trying to understand my reasoning. 

"Oh so now you want to put in an effort? Jungkook you're hardly ever around, and when you are, you're too tired to spend time together. For the most part just heading to bed or getting back when I'm already sleeping. Do you even know how long it's been since you've even bothered to touch me? How long it's been since we had a conversation that wasn't accompanied by a meal. How long it's been since we watched a movie together" I list off and the realization of the actual state of our relationship washes over him.

"Baby I'm so-" "You know it was my birthday last month right? I waited around all day hoping you just weren't saying anything because you had a surprise planned for me but at the end of the night all I had received from you was a simple good morning kiss and then you went about your day, paying no mind to me at all. Holed up in your office on your day off, working and making phone calls, not even bothering to come out to eat dinner" I say getting upset all over again at the memory. 

"Let's celebra-" he tries again. "This isn't about celebrating my birthday! This is about the fact that it feels like you don't even care about me anymore. Every time I try to make an effort to spend time together you cancel at the last minute and come home with a bouquet of tiger lilies asking me for forgiveness and promising to be there next time. Even the simple dinners that I've made when you told me you would be home early enough would go cold, leaving me to eat alone yet again with no call, no text, nothing" I say and I see him hang his head a bit finally seeing things from my side. 

"Is there someone else? Someone else in your life that you're wasting your love on, leaving just a shell of a person to come crawl into bed with me. Then in the morning I wake up alone, the only indicator that you even been there being some new clothes in the laundry basket and the rumpled sheets next to me. I've been thinking recently, 'What are either of us getting out of this relationship?'. At this point we could honestly be roommates and not much would change at all compared to what's going on with us right now" I say and see that he's been holding back from saying anything so I give him a chance to say his piece. 

"There's no one else and you know that" he says sternly, clenching his jaw at the thought that I would actually think that he would cheat on me. "How would I know that" I lower my voice and lean forward trying to provoke him but he's not taking the bait, too concerned about the people around us. "I only have eyes for you and it's been like that for years. I don't even find other women attractive anymore now that I have you". "Flattery will get you no where Jungkook" I roll my eyes at him. 

"Well you're just going to have to believe me then" he says sitting back, fixing his suit jacket a bit to straighten himself out and takes a deep breath. I wait for him to say something else but he just stays silent, I can see the wheels turning in his head but from the looks of it he just can't seem to formulate them the way he wants to. 

"That's another thing, I hate the fact that you're so cautious with me. Always carefully formulating your sentences so they come out perfectly, making choices for me because you think you know best, never even trying to do something new together because you don't want to push me out of my comfort zone" I argue, continuing to point out all of the big things he's done that frustrate me. 

"I just want you to enjoy everything we do together. I don't want something to not meet your expectations and then it all goes to waste" he explains, trying to get me to see some of these things from his perspective. "I understand that, really I do, but people are meant to grow and change and learn new thing, but I feel like since we've been together we've done none of that. Our first few months of course were exciting and new but we soon started to settle into a routine and that's not what I want. To me that's not living" I explain to him, making sure he sees my side as well. 

"This relationship just isn't good for either of us. We're stifling each other's growth and it seems like our ideas of how we want to live are at odds" I say trying to wrap it up. "What's wrong with the way we live? I thought you liked our apartment?" he asks clearly not understanding where I'm going with this.

"Jungkook I literally just explained to you everything that I was unhappy about with the way that we're living. It's not the material things it's us. The day to day with how we do or don't interact with each other. The consideration of making sure you'll follow through on something instead of just expecting forgiveness when you decide to apologize for failing after the fact. The way that I don't even feel like you love me anymore, you're just used to me now so you don't feel the need to put effort into our relationship" 

"But I do love you" he starts but I cut him off without a single care. "You know our anniversary was three days ago right? I wouldn't be surprised if you just took a shot in the dark and picked a random day and convinced yourself into thinking it was the right one" I scoff. "Really?" he asks softly, embarrassed that even now he's messed up. "Yes Jungkook why would I lie to you I-" I start but I cut myself off when the waiter comes by. 

"Would you both like some more wine?" he asks with bottle in hand and as soon as I'm about to accept, hoping to cool myself down a bit Jungkook places his hand over my wine glass, preventing him from refilling it. "No, I think she's had enough don't worry" Jungkook says and takes that as a not so subtle note to not come back over until he asks for the bill. 

"This is exactly what I was talking about Jungkook! You haven't listened to a word I've said have you?" "No I have I ju-" "I want to break up and I don't want to fix thing" I say stating my case, feeling like this whole conversation was meaningless and decide to stop explaining myself. "I'm sorry it was just a habit. I'm listening I promise, if you just give me some time I'll clean up my act and put more effort into us" he pleads with me.

"I said no! End of discussion" I huff, tired of playing his games. "One week, that's all I'll need" he asks, doing better than I am at maintaining a sense of decorum. "I said we're done! Why is that something that you just can't get through your head?" I argue. 

"Please Noona, can you keep your voice down?" he pleads with me, noticing a few more people have taken notice of our conversation. "You can't tell me what to do Jungkook. I'm still your elder whether we are together or not so you do not get to disrespect me like that!" I say getting up from my chair making moves to leave.

"All this time you've been messing around and playing with my heart and I'm done Jungkook. I'm sick of yo-" "Noona watch out!" he yells, grabbing me by my arm and yanking me towards him. "What? What happened?" I say after looking around once I've regained stability.

"There was a fire at that table and it got pretty close to you so..." he trails off getting embarrassed, now noticing that he's the only one that go scared by it. I turn around and take a look a said table where the supposed fire was and see that in fact is a fire over there. 

"It was a flambé Jungkook that's normal and it's far away from us anyway so I don't see why you would act like that" I say turning my vision back over to Jungkook and just now taking notice of how close he is to me. I look at him and I look down and realize that in his panic I somehow ended up on his lap. 

He gives me a shy smile which soon turns into a look of panic when I get up off his lap grabbing my stuff and walking towards the door. "Noona wait please" he says and grabs onto my wrist but I pull it out of his grasp, turning around to face him at the same time.

"Don't bother coming home tonight. Stay at a friend's house or wherever you want, just leave me alone. We'll talk about this later" I say and he calls out to me one final time but I leave before he's able to stop me again.

Teaser / Tuesday

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a/n: I really hope you like Monday! I said I was going to post something else but I had this done already and I was too excited so I decided to post it! I really hope you guys like it! Also barely edited so have mercy on me. Thanks for all of the support recently on my fics as well! Love you guys <3

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[saiyanwitcher]

I have been waiting for part one to be finished, because when I first started eyeing Prince of Death, it was close to being done. And oh my it hit just right. I devoured the whole thing.

I love it, my honor. It is the perfect combination of high-stakes plot, romance, main characters being a self-sacrificing dumbasses (always peak literature) and everything i was looking for. So from all those ingredients, you have created the perfect meal and I have been fed and watered and everything is great.

The whole thing just flows so nicely. You have a very clear, lovely writing voice.

I think I understood everything I needed to with ample additional mystery to be uncovered, but I never felt like I had no idea what was happening even though I had no prior knowledge of the universe. And this is indeed a feat, because honestly sometimes I read whole published books and I’m like, "Wait, what? WTF is happening?"

Another thing that is so hard to master, which you just got down here, is the pacing. It never stalls, but there are enough quiet moments for me to breathe and get to know the characters. And for Max and Charles to fall in high-stakes, low self-esteem love, which is just chef’s kiss.

Talking about Max and Charles, they are so dear to me in this fic. I live for the protective boyfriend trope and this is all set up for greatness in that regard. Kicking my feet, jumping in joy. I’m just overall a happy reader when it comes to this fic.

Also, I need to make a shout-out to all the effort you have put in outside of just writing the fic. All the pictures and posts and playlists. It adds a lot and I know that it must take effort and time; it is appreciated.

To conclude this rambly too long ask: thank you for writing this and sharing it with us. You are a gift and a treasure.

I may come here with some more superlatives later. I hope thats alright 😅

Hello there!

I always forget that people wait until fics are finished to start reading. I'm so impatient, I generally just jump right in and then get stuck on a cliffhanger and want to kms. I respect the self-control I definitely do not have!

So happy that you enjoyed part 1 ❤️ As I stated in my authors note at the start of the work, this is literally the first thing I've ever tried to write and I almost trashed the whole thing at least a dozen times through the learning process. I'm also pleased to hear that it isn't confusing or like boring to read (things I've been very worried about).

Pacing is something I wasn't quite sure if I got right either, so I appreciate the feedback! I love slow burn as much as the next person, but I also want to be engaged with a work and not get too bored with slice-of-life type stuff. I'm also a huge fan of "okay, we're together now, but the universe isn't going to let us be together," which is the definition of this entire fic. 🫣

If the angst doesn't make my chest doesn't ache every few chapters, I don't want it your honor lol

Max will continue to struggle with many different issues (as he should) in part 2, and Charles will have to learn what his triggers are and how to handle someone with such a traumatic past. He will be over protective and do some things that Charles/the reader might be confused by, but the poor guy has been through some shit, and he needs some time. I'm really looking forward to exploring that dynamic if I'm honest. I've read a lot of fic where it's either, all the trauma and no recovery or trauma happened off camera and it's all focused on recovery. Attempting to have both feels like a big ask, but I'm certainly going to try!

Making an edit for the start of each chapter was a fun idea I had starting on chapter 2, and then quickly got out of control by the time I was on chapter 20 😅 but I really like visual aids, and I will probably continue to make them for part 2 as well.

Come back any time as my ask box and DMs are always open! There's a lot of clues and subtle things in the finer details that may not have seemed important in the early chapters, but on second or third inspection, have HUGE implications on the later plot for this story.

[iam-57311]

Favorite video game?

Opinion on big mama x splinter?

What made you ship baronjitsu?

1. Favorite video game?

amusingly enough, I don't play video games often if at all. but I love Stardew Valley! (or at least I used to enjoy playing it before the family switch broke RIP)

2. Opinion on big mama x splinter?

okay I actually have a LOT of opinions on this ship. it's super interesting! I genuinely love the depth and history they have, how you could just feel the love Lou Jitsu had for Big Mama before she betrayed him

I honestly feel like they might've still been dating on and off until Lou sworn off fighting – and much like the lingering longing for glory Splinter has, I can imagine there's a part of him that's still in love with her. and we can see in the last Rise episodes that Big Mama has fondness for him too. but they would need to work through a LOT before even coming close to repairing their relationship

if Rise ever gets picked up again, I honestly hope they don't get together again, only because Splinter needs the space away from her to heal – but it would be interesting to see how things change

3. What made you ship baronjitsu?

I don't remember the exact timeline of events (as of writing this I've been shipping them nonstop for 1 year and 3 months) but I do remember the general timeline of getting into Rise after falling into a deep pit of depression > discovering and enjoying Draxum as a character > seeing he was shipped with Splinter. and I've always enjoyed this kind of dynamic so it just stuck

there was always just something so appealing to me about these two characters, obviously in some sort of situationship as co-parents to the turtles. the one who created them and the one who raised them. they're bitter, they're old, they have tension when they're on screen but have the kind of personalities that could eventually be used to help each other grow and become better fathers for their boys. + the fact that Draxum OBVIOUSLY had a massive crush on Lou Jitsu but y'know

(something I rambled a bunch about here)

the fact that it stuck around for so long is something I never anticipated but I have genuinely thought about them at least once every day for over a year. they've helped me through my worst days and only made my best better. especially now, after seeing little fandom content for them and just going off with my own doodles and fics, I can confidently say that this ship has become a large part of my life

anyone who knows me well can see how often they infect my brain lmao

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[maxwellohwell]

Just a lil ramble vent

No one warns you about how brutal the transition from sheltered teenager to functioning adult is. All I've ever wanted was freedom, I love it. I was born an observer, its just in my nature. I love existing with the environment around me. I love walking in the rain, watching houses and cars and trees and boats and signs out from the window of a bus or a train, my favourite colours are pink or sunshine yellow but I always cave for a spooky grey/blue/purple colour scheme, my favourite food has always been spaghetti bolognese or pancakes, and the only times I remember that I am not a disembodied voice is when I look at myself in the mirror and dont identify with the body that I am in because I see myself as more of a concept then a human being. I've always been the secondary character in the stories of the people around me who always had something going on. In those stories I was the love interest who was too busy staring out the window to notice anything around them, I was the creepy mean "goth" that was added into the series to say weird stuff for laughs and to spite the protagonists, I was the best friend with bad advice, I was the child who was never allowed to grow up bc that meant her mother was growing old. Freedom feels like the morning sun beaming onto your face through fluffy white clouds or a day full of peaceful rain, and for me the only time I feel the warm rays of hope and tranquility is when chasing it hasn't been beaten out of me with the worried words of my overly paranoid mother or the judgemental looks of the people who can read the script.

So over the past weeks I've been moving out. I turned 18 half a year ago and my life has been slowly sinking like a ship for a while now. My mother is getting evicted and so I finally get to jump ship. Not exactly the "running away to the sunny city without telling anybody, going to the gym dressed as barbie while drinking a strawberry mango smoothie and getting money for writing emails in an office cubical" escape plan, but falling in love (i think, I dont entirely know if I even know what romantic attraction feels like) despite the fact that I live for being entirely alone and moving in with him works ig. But I've found myself in this weird tug-a-war while Im stuck between the two places, where I feel the beginnings of the freedom I've been wanting while Im away but then I need to go back to roleplaying an 8 yr old to survive. My mental health decreases while Im in that environment where I cant make my own choices, but I re-enter the adult world every few days and I feel paralyzed by the fear that Im going to break an unspoken rule and get yelled at for existing without supervision. Becoming an adult is very much just learning that its okay to exist and then teaching urself all the stuff you know that you dont know that you should know but you weren't taught bc growing up is illegal.

My entire life so far has been me waiting for this moment and I feel like Im wasting it by having these cognitive behavioural issues even though developing those wasn't at all my fault. One of my most vivid memories from highschool was walking with the vice principal while I was on my way to class. We happened to be going in the same direction and she started talking about how much she missed being young and free and how I should "treasure my teenage years while I still have them", and I remember that so clearly because of how little sense it made to me. My teenage years had no walks in the rain because "what if your kidnapped", my teenage years had no car rides because we were poor, my teenage years had no train rides because I had no where to go, my teenage years had no pink because I had to be the scary mean "goth" girl because no one messes with you if ur scary enough, my teenage years had no pancakes or spaghetti because I wasnt allowed to use the stovetop. How am I supposed to appreciate that? As an adult, you are in control. You shouldn't take your eyes off the road while you're driving. In my adult life I am happy. Everyday I wake up at 6am-8am, make my bed and watch youtube while I eat my pancakes, brush my teeth, go walk on the beach if I feel up to it, then I either go to the job that I love bc I chose it or play video games, do some chores, then I watch youtube with my boyfriend until I fall asleep. I do not want to leave that.

[sophsun1]

Just some random thoughts I'd like to get your opinion on, but I really wish there had been more of a discussion between Britin before they got engaged. It kind of seemed to me like the proposal was supposed to sweep all of their problems under the rug, but I feel like they really needed to talk more after the fallout from 5x07. I know they're not really the type to have those long talks but idk, I still wish it'd happened +

because I got so much emotional whiplash from the whole syphilis fiasco, Justin walking out on Brian for the second time, then they get engaged, then they end the engagement, then Justin leaves for NYC...whew.

Hey!

Okay.. deep breath this will probably get long.. help!

I totally agree I've always felt that they never had 'the big relationship talk' that was really warranted after 5x11 and Justin agreeing to marry Brian. We saw them go through their multiple breakups, their differences over the kind of life/relationship they wanted to live, their lack of communication so in turn we needed to see them talking about how they had learnt from all this and who they would be as a partnership going forward especially into marriage. Similar to the talks we got in 2x06 when they set the rules and in 3x08 when they reunited in the office. They did address the cause of their breakups then in a very britin way which I would've liked once more.

But I think the writers just wanted to get to the big 'omg they're finally gonna be together' moment with the proposal which technically was them getting back together and engaged at the same time lol and skipped the rest. I'm just going to bullet point my thoughts on what gave me whiplash because I'm a rambling mess, hope it makes sense!

Justin's switch from being okay and fully into the open side of their relationship to being upset/annoyed over Brian's lifestyle choices did confuse and annoy me. Because of how quickly they had him flip between the two and where he stood. In season four before the cancer arc begins we have Justin joking about how many guys are hitting on him at the gym, competing in the bet to hook up with the guy who turns out to be a doctor. He's fully into it and has no issues about it affecting them. But the start of season five and his return from LA has him suddenly wanting to be just like Michael and Ben with a white picket fence and 2.4 children.

The conclusion of the Liberty Ride episodes has Brian post cancer where he's revaluated what's important to him. He wants to be a better father to Gus and in a rare moment of vulnerability he tells Justin he wants him to move back in and that when he's not around he misses him. The growth from 1x10 and "this place is only big enough for one person and that's me" to "I'd like it if you and I were to live together" is huge. Cue season five and Brian's sudden retreat back into "eww relationships I hate those and I wanna be the season 1/2 fuckboy again" made my head spin. We left off with him wanting to live with Justin and you know growing into a real boy and starting to transition into the next stage of his life.

That didn't mean he was gonna lose his personality but his attitude towards Justin and his openess suddenly vanishes and he's back to being reckless and closed off. The Brandon bet and syphilis plot just made me wanna slap some sense into him it was all pointless in the end. Because what does he learn - that he loves Justin and him falling back into his old habits and drinking his pain away doesn't work. There will always be a new stud of Liberty Avenue and maybe finally freeing himself from that defining him would let him progress in his life .... WHICH HE KNEW AT THE END OF SEASON FOUR!!!

Justin's disdain at Brian's promiscuity and refusal to settle down was believable in parts because he has always wanted a more settled and family oriented life. From season one Justin was jealous and not fully comfortable with Brian being with other guys and we saw them try with the rules to solve that but it failed. Their reunion in 3x09 we get the deliberate scene with Justin sassing the trick about how he'll only ever have Brian once so it seems he's finally comfortable and cool with it. But nope back on the merry go round we go.....

After Justin agrees to marry Brian we 100% needed them to have a big talk about how things were gonna be different this time. Brian baring his soul and saying ily was amazing and something we had waited for but the aftermath to it was so lacking. Considering it was some pretty major issues that divided them it's just unsatisfying that they swept it all under the rug. Instead we got that awful conversation with Brian flipping out over a cuddle and turning into a stepford husband. And now Justin is all okay with their kinky sex life and is hiring strippers and is upset when Brian doesn't hook up with them??? WHERE WAS THE CONVERSATION ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF?

They just glossed over a lot of issues maybe because of time constraints within the plot and the 13 episodes they had. Also there were multiple plots that were revolving around Brian - his friendship with Michael/Lindsey and Gus leaving/ His life with Justin and his own personal journey. So with all these story arcs involving him needing to be tied up I think they thought is there really a need to get deep with this relationship stuff with britin seeing as we're gonna end up separating them again. Spoiler alert... yes there was..

[beetsandskzreads]

silent bright summer night

bang chan x gn!reader, y/n works with skz and became their friend (the ultimate dream haha)

genre: tooth-rotening fluff, slight angst with a happy ending

notes/warnings: nothing intense, this is very fluffy, there's brief mentions of cheating, long distance, y/n's exes, fear of abandonment, slight insecurities, deep talks, reader and chan are slightly wine drunk, y/n and chan are whipped, y/n makes it explicit they want to date someone very warm and caring (aka chan), i don't think that's a warning tho djsjs just saying

scenario: on a balcony, at a beach apartment on a summer night of vacation, y/n opens up to chan about their past and current lovers. what y/n doesn't know is why chan is so interested listening to it.

It was 1:01 am when chan and I found ourselves in the balcony that overlooked the city and it's bright lights on a summer night. Skz had gone to sleep right after all of us came back from a night out of lots of fun, buying stuff on stores by the beach, having ice cream, seeing the view of the city lights reflecting on the sea water, appreciating street artists...

The two of us had been talking the whole evening, we hung out as a group but mostly just spoke to each other and laughed at the members jokes, both of us having a sparkle in our eye every time we saw the group happy. There was this unspoken pleasantness, a bliss, calmness in the air but with a lot of excitement. Chan was so happy to be around the sea with "the kids" as he refers to them and being at the beach almost 24/7 this week, it was like his natural habitat, his home, a comfort place. It left you feeling even softer for him, and as you shared your love for the sea, your feelings were at a peak. You liked Chan, and you loved this place as much as he did.

The night was so great, everyone was out like a lightweight as soon as we arrived to the vacation apartment we're in. Chan and I were testing the theory that a glass of wine would help us get drowsy and help us fall asleep as well, since we both have trouble falling asleep and felt nothing but a remaining excitement from the night out. It came to me especially because of the enthusiasm of talking to him, we were connecting so well, I didn't want this to ever end.

And so we drank (one glass quickly becoming the whole bottle) and we talked for what felt like hours on end, that neither of us wanted to cease.

- My ex best friend, she never quite knew how to choose guys, she always went for the ones that would never turn her way, the ones who obviously wouldn't care about her, not because of her, but because they were really careless guys, walking red flags. - I told him, I couldn't remember where exactly the conversation started but we were talking about nice people picking shitty people to date.

- What about you? - he asked

- Me? I barely even like guys, I mean I do, but I'm really picky actually, I don't allow myself to fall for cold people, I wouldn't forgive myself if I took interest in someone rude, I try so hard to take care of myself so I either stay alone that way or I find someone who makes me feel better, who knows how to take care of me, after all we chase happiness, I think a caring person could do that, someone gentle who isn't scared of emotions or who at least is open to face that fear with me by their side.

- I get it, it's hard to get by if you don't have emotional support, a partner should be able to provide that support, yeah. Did you ever... find someone like that?

- Yeah, in the past I did and even now I do know someone more than ideal... I guess my ex partners when I was young were going through a soft phase tho... I guess everyone has an emotional limit they were scared to cross... once I found that barrier the relationship stoped evolving, reached a dead end and so there was nothing left for me anymore and I left, plus, you know, cheating, long distance, a bunch of stuff really... it wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that.

- What about that someone right now?

Silence ruled for about 3 seconds before I knew what to say. That someone right now is him. Ever since I've known him feels like he's the only man ever, but I don't think I'd tell him that, not soon anyways.

- What about 'em?

- What's that person like? What makes you trust they're any different from your exes?

- Sometimes I fear they're not, but I set the bar really high and I reset it constantly, to make sure I'm seeing it right, sometimes they seem so perfect to me that I wonder what good have i done in my past life to deserve to be around such a bright person. Of course they make mistakes too, but even the way they deal with them is so... mature, it's so easy to just solve things communicating, it's insane to me. Then I remember it's probably because they're eventually gonna leave me too, or just not reciprocate my feelings and after they break my heart I'll probably loose all hope in love, be heart broken for two years until I decide I'm gonna focus on myself again... it's a cycle after heartbreak, but with this person I'm really scared, because they mean more. I'm way too deep in before I've even expressed my feelings, it's gonna be devastating. - I'm rambling, the wine made me do it.

- What makes you think they wouldn't like you back tho?

- I'm not sure I just... it would be too good to be true and it's complicated... he's amazing and I'm just not sure if he'd be into me, I mean, I think I'm lovable and I think I'd be a great lover, I just don't know if I'm his type or if he'd consider me. We have a bit of an age gap, I'm not someone who's typically pretty or specially good looking, I have my charms but I have no idea if that's enough for him to be in love. It's complicated with each others work too... - I notice chan's gaze on me, he has his head leaned on his hand on the table and he's looking at me with bright eyes, eyes that look tired and a little drunk but somehow, he manages to look at me in a way that makes me feel adored, I don't know why you have to make me feel so much love, Bang Chan - Why are you looking at me like that?

- You have no idea how other people perceive you, do you? - he ignored your question, probably because of his drunk-ish drowsy state - Everyone I know likes you, see, you're a naturally kind and caring person, you're attentive to people's needs, you make sure everyone feels comfortable around you... that's so appreciated by everyone. I think you're exceptional y/n, you have this charismatic way of existing, a refreshing and comfy presence everyone can feel, but to me... it feels like home. You feel like home y/n. So... I have no idea who that person is but I sure as hell know they'd be more than lucky to have you as a partner and they're definitely dumb if they let you go.

- Are you dumb? - my heart's pounding quicker as I'm about to do something I didn't plan on doing ever.

- Huh? No, why w-

- Because that person is you... I like you, Chan. In a more-than-friends way - I interrupt him quickly before I lose my newly found courage.

Chan could've sworn his heart stopped for a few seconds. Suddenly sobriety hit him like a truck. It was the alcohol that made you say that, he thought, but he wished it was true and you didn't drink enough to be lying about this kind of stuff, you had a full on conversation and you seemed pretty sober.

- Y-y/n are you sober? - he tries to navigate through the situation.

- Oh my... yeah I am, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it just rolled out of my tongue. I'm sorry... - you said as you panicked and tried to go back inside, regret filling up all your organs.

"I messed up" your brain keeps repeating as desperation starts entering your body, until Chan grabbed your hand, stopping you from leaving.

- Wait! You don't need to apologize, I'm glad you told me... You didn't think I'd say all that about you if I didn't like you as well, did you? - he asks suggestively.

- I don't know - you blush as you realize what he's getting at - You're just so nice to everyone, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

- Well, you should've made it a big deal, the biggest deal actually because I've been trying really hard to show you how I feel these past few days and you were so clueless I thought you were purposefully ignoring the signs because you didn't like me back.

- I'm sorry Channie, I just didn't want to assume stuff and get heartbroken if it wasn't true.

-Well it is true, so you don't need to worry anymore. I really like you too, y/n. And I've wanted to say it for a while too, I was just wondering if it was a good idea since you work with us, but I can't contain my feelings anyways... you always treat me so softly and you look after the kids really well... It just feels like you were made to be by my side, you're the embodiment of the person I've always dreamed to be with, and these past few days with the kids and you... it just felt like we were the perfect family you know? I don't think I could be without you by my side anymore... - he stops, he's been staring at your eyes the whole time and now they're starting to water.

How could you not cry when he's saying the things you thought you'd only ever hear in dreams?

- Why are you crying sweetheart? - he whispered, as he wipes a tear with his thumb, the other hand holding your hand as he stands closer every second.

- It's just... I'm so... happy - you smile through your tears - I'm so happy to hear that, you said it in such a beautiful way too... I feel exactly the same, it's like I've gained a family with you guys but you... I've grown really attached to you, feels like some parts of you are tangled in my heart in ways I couldn't tear apart if I wanted to... I'm drawn to you and when I'm with you it's comfortable, blissful, it's right. You're so good to me, it's unbelievable, but it's true, and it warms my heart. - you say as your foreheads touch and your smile grows, his eyes showing so much adoration for you, you could melt.

Suddenly you share your first kiss together, a soft yet passionate mix of sensations, and it felt like everything you ever felt around Chan but better.

You stare into each other's eyes, smiling like the little lovely goofballs you both were, noses touching, ocasional little pecks filled with giggles because you were whipped for each other.

- So this means we're exclusive lovers now, yeah? - he asks with a blushing face, a very silent giggle and a huge, uncontrollable smile.

- Definitely, yeah - you answer biting your lip until eventually you let out the largest smile you ever had.

Needless to say, you didn't leave that balcony to go to sleep that evening. In fact, you two watched the sunrise kissing and cuddling, talking about the feelings you had for each other, when they started, why you liked each other, covered by a blanket, not wanting to let go of each other now that you were openly romantic.

Han found you both sound asleep, you on chan's lap, head on his neck as his arms wrapped around you gently, on a chair in the middle of the morning. He obviously called all the members to watch you two as they assumed you two finally got together. All of them saw it coming, Chan wouldn't shut up about you and had written what could be an entire album about you.

They were happy at least you'd be around more often to cook your delicious food. And you both blushed really hard once you woke up to lot's of teasing from the kids, it was fine tho, you liked it just like this, it was home.

[pink-strawberry-kissess]

I'm don't dive deep into the fandom because I've had enough with toxicity so I get all my news secondhand, but now that you reminded me that ID exists, I'm just so uncomfortable that cl*eon shippers will scrutinize every word that comes out of Ada's mouth but Claire and Leon literally had a disagreement that ended their friendship and the shippers just gloss right over that like it didn't happen.

I did see one tweet that was wanting Claire to be Leon's partner in RE6 instead of Helena and I'm pretty sure Claire was either super far away or busy at the time so I don't know how that would even work or why she would be there to begin with. Just seems like nostalgia and people ignoring the development these characters go through. Like, no one is the same person they were in RE2. IDK, I'm rambling, sorry.

for sure the fandom is extremely toxic in certain spots.

i think that's always going to be an issue with a growing fandom, as well as a younger newer fandom joining as also. lots of opinions and theories that have already been talked about and a lot of misinformed opinions because they're new to the lore. there's nothing inherently wrong with having a new misinformed or uninformed opinion- but just don't get angry at people who come back at you with facts from the canon because they've played all the games already.

i can immediately tell if someone has ONLY watched/played re2make because they usually end up saying some dumb shit because they don't know anything else about the rest of the games. again, nothing wrong with that, it's just a misguided opinion.

i really do believe that cl*on shippers use the canon whenever it's convenient to them. not to say that other shippers don't do the same. but there's such a formula to how they ship leon and claire. it hardly deviates from this formula. and if you "attack" it in any way. well you're a hater or automatically an ada stan or something or "a supporter of a manipulative bitch"

"oh so we support manipulators. okay"

a lot of them use tactics to try and argue their way out of it, the only problem is that i can see through it.

i don't need to go over the obvious points already. leon and claire are no longer friends in the canon. and he has specified that he sees her and treats her like a kid. he does not view her as a romantic partner. they seem to gloss over this.

no one (NO ONE) has EVER said that leon and ada's relationship is HEALTHY. but as adults, we realize that relationships are much more nuanced than that. not every single relationship is wholesome and pure, and if that's what you strive towards in real life, then that's gREAT.

people like the aeon ship for a multitude of reasons. because it's canon/interesting/captivating/a nice play on and reversal on the whole "damsel in distress / strong hero man." but no one has ever claimed that the relationship is healthy. so let's get that out of the way.

when you ship cl*on and you SPECIFICALLY do things where you mod ada out, and replace her with claire. you are SPECIAL PLEADING. you are choosing to allow claire these special privileges. and the reason why people tend to call cl*on shippers racists or misogynistic, is because you are FALLING into these thinking patterns.

if you NEED to "call out" ada on her sexuality. or compare her to claire in a way where claire is placed on this "pure wholesome" pedestal, and ada is a "slut or whore," you are catering towards misogyny.

that women who are sexual in nature, are automatically not worthy.

and YES YOUNG GIRLS ARE PERPETUATING THIS IDEA.

when you replace ada with claire in re2make, and you play out all these ada scenarios with claire's face, but ada's voice, and ada's narrative and mannerisms. but you ALLOW these things to be "okay" then you are BEING RACIST. boil it down. you are replacing ADA's FACE with a white girl's face. and suddenly everything she does is okay? all these scenes with ada previously, where she was "so manipulative" and "evil," they're suddenly okay now that it's claire's face?

explain to me why.

explain to me why in cl*on fics, ada is portrayed as an "asian whore."

tell me why these things are OKAY in any way shape or form.

sorry on HUGE TANGENT

lots of people have already stated that in the canon, claire was nowhere near them in re6 time, so they couldn't have had her in it. helena was written instead and it actually makes sense to have her there. leon and helena's campaign is entirely helena's story with ada popping in occasionally to help them.

i understand that people like claire. it's an easy character to like, and she's very much a self insert. and that's how a lot of the resident evil characters are written.

what i'm not going to tolerate is when people use misogyny and racism to back up what they think is appropriate discourse on characters. i'm not going to take misinformed opinions as truth, and im not going to entertain delusional ships that i do not personally enjoy. and in that being said, i do need feel the need to shit on characters to get a point across.

being in the fandom for this long, all i've seen are toxic shippers, and people being racist and misogynistic. some of the good ones are the ones that i follow and keep up with. and i try to allow myself to some discourse occasionally to ensure that i don't rely on an echo chamber of thoughts and opinions.

don't ever feel bad about rambling. i literally ramble all the time. i have so many drafts filled with random rambles

[ghoste-catte]

I was curious what advice would you give to someone new to writing fics? I've been wanting to get back into it but haven't seriously written something since high school. I hope this isn't an annoying question or anything!

Not an annoying question at all! I'm just a little worried that I won't have terribly good or useful advice. To be honest, I also sort of stopped writing in earnest right as I finished high school, and didn't pick it back up until my late 20s. It's certainly an adjustment! But I think the few things that really helped me get back into writing fic as a hobby and something I spend quite a bit of time on would be:

Write for yourself first, then find your other motivations. My original inspiration in getting back into fic writing was that there just were not that many fics I liked for my favorite pairing, and I wanted more of them, and I especially wanted more with the tropes and characterizations I wanted to see. I think at the very core of anything you need that internal spark that drives you. At the same time, for me at least, if I just relied on my own drive, I would not get much done; I need some external guardrails. So having people send prompts, or writing for particular events, or writing stuff for friends really helps me to get my ass in gear and finish stuff. That may not be the perfect motivator for you, and that's fine! You just gotta figure out what is.

Be open to inspiration. Anything and everything can be spun out into a story with the right tweaking. Obviously stuff like music is a classic inspiration source, but I've also pulled ideas from poetry, from memes, from Reddit threads, from YouTube videos, from rambling conversations on Discord and from real life to make fics out of. So many times, someone will post a silly Twitter screencap, and I'll think, There's a fic in this. And a lot of the time, there is! Research is a wonderful thing, but so is serendipity. If you're out there actively looking for ideas, eventually one that you like will stumble past you.

Find your community. I can genuinely say I never would have finished more than one fic if I didn't have fandom friends to talk to about even stupid headcanons, to bounce ideas off of, and to encourage me (and to encourage them in turn!). Discord has been a godsend, and some of my closest online friends are people I met in the GaaLee discord server. As I've gotten more comfortable as a writer, I've also joined general writing servers and Reddit communities and have found them immensely helpful on both a motivational level (bingos, sprints, owe-me challenges) and on a craft level (plot workshopping and writing ethics and live grammar help). It's a lot easier to think about fic ideas and hash through problem moments when I have a constant stream of fandom-related chatter coming from the little people who live in my phone! Ao3 is an amazing website, and it's great as, well, an archive, but it isn't social media by design. If you want conversation and human connection and cheerleading, you've gotta forge out and find it.

Make it a habit ... If you want to produce anything longer than a couple hundred words, you really have to set aside time for it. And writing is just like knitting or dirt biking or painting little model figurines: the more you do it, the more easily it comes. When I was first getting back into the proper swing of things, I committed myself to 30 minutes of writing per week. Just 30 minutes. I didn't even hit that goal every week, but there were tons of weeks I got on a roll and went over that amount, and by the end of the year I'd written over 200,000 words. I used to spend an hour laboriously tip-tapping out 200 words, but now I can easily blow through 1k in a 50 minute sprint. It's all about training that muscle.

... But don't make it a chore. With fanfic, you aren't doing this as a job, and you aren't ultimately doing it for anyone other than you. That means you can take breaks when you need them, you can set deadlines and then fail to meet them, you can write stuff and then decide to never post it. When you start getting burnt out, when the practice loses the joy and energy, stop. There's no 'hustle' here. In our capitalist society we're so trained to push past our limits and keep going even when it hurts us, but the hobby you do for connection and relaxation and whatever else shouldn't be like that.

Ignore metrics. Sometimes stuff isn't gonna get hits, or kudos, or comments. There are some basic 'rules' as to the stuff that does and doesn't get traction, but every time you post something it's a roll of the dice. If you're focused on watching that kudos counter tick up, you will get bummed out fast. And any writer will tell you that the stuff you think is your best work will never be the stuff that gets the most accolades. So you have to find something else to give you a sense of success. For me, it's watching my wordcount go up in my stats and those occasional comments where someone has a lot to say and that one person who always leaves me a <3 emoji (and, shout out to @egregiousderp, having someone to have long one-on-one conversations with about the stuff that never made it to page).

Don't strive for perfection. It's really easy to want your first ever fic to be a complete showstopper, the best fic fandom has ever seen, hitting all the tropes and the ideas and the characterization that you just know fandom is missing and would be everyone's top favorite if only it was written. This is a trap. No one fic can be all things. Most people who want to write an epic as their very first venture will not see the end of that epic, because they haven't put in the practice hours to make something on that scale work. That's not to say you can't start out with a big, sprawling multichap, just don't expect it to be the greatest thing since sliced bread if you're just starting out, and be okay with abandoning it for greener pastures if you get to that point. Think of the first time someone makes a vase out of clay or bakes a loaf of bread. That's never their best vase or their best bread. If they keep up with it, they'll make more and better vases and loaves. Likewise, your first fic is probably not gonna be your best fic. See it for what it is: your launchpad.

You can't edit an empty page, but you can over-edit a full one. This kind of spins off of #7, but if the words aren't there, you can't fix them. Daydreams and headcanons are fantastic (and god, how many times have I wished for a speech-to-text engine that projected my falling asleep thoughts onto a Google doc for later perusal), but they aren't fic. If you want to write fic, you've gotta get comfortable with the idea of sloppy outlines and rough first drafts. You can't build a house without a frame and you can't build a man without a skeleton (I mean, you can, I guess, but he'd be one floppy man). The nice thing about fic is that it doesn't matter if that frame is structurally unsound or the skeleton has 18 too many bones, you can clean that up in the editing process. But you can't start hanging curtains and arranging furniture in something that doesn't even have walls. That's the process. But! Also know when to set down the editor's pen and say, "Okay, this is good enough for government work", and call it done. ("Done" doesn't have to mean "posted", but it does mean, "I'm done picking at this for now, and I'm gonna go write some more stuff".) Over-editing can make stuff seem laborious and forced, and it prevents you from actually improving. To continue belaboring the house metaphor, you can spend your whole life rearranging furniture in just one room, but the end result of that is a pretty narrow existence and a room with a lot of footprints and tracks in the carpet.

Write shit down. When you have ideas, jot them down--in a notebook, in a Google Doc, in the Notes app of your phone, in pen on the back of your hand. You think you will remember that brilliant line of dialogue or sparkling snippet of narration or genius plot that came to you in a dream, but you Will Not. Write it down. Write it down. Write it down! There have been so many times when a fic was completely saved by past!me having written down my shower thoughts about what happens next in the fic, that present!me had completely forgotten about and was floundering over.

Have fun with it! Try different stuff. Try stupid stuff. Try experimental stuff. Do stuff you've never done before that you aren't sure will work. It's important to get comfortable with your niche (for example, I know I'm never going to be the sort of person who writes intricate plots of intrigue or super long 100k epics or detailed battles), but you can't find that niche unless you explore lots of different niches! Figure out what you love and what you absolutely hate, and then keep doing the stuff you love.

Okay, so that was actually TEN things, but ... I hope you still found this helpful. Feel free to send another ask if any of this was confusing or unclear. Good luck with your fic writing and, if you want, send me a link to what you've written once you've written it! I'd love to read it.

[circular-time]

okay so some preliminary legend of the sea devils reactions

warning: I've had 3 hours of sleep in 2 days after pulling an all nighter to finish handpainting some Easter Eggs so this is going to be rambly stream of thought; apologies in advance

The main thing is that I enjoyed it, although watching it without subtitles, it's been months, and I was struggling a bit with some of the technobabble parsed through Yorkshire. Which is fine. I was a little less focused on the plot than I should've been, and let's face it, after Flux, we needed a plot-light story in favor of some comedy, derring do, and feels. Which this had.

Also I'm very happy the way Doctor Who keeps going, "oh, we need a guest character here, why not grab this awesomesauce figure from history your western-centric school probably forgot to mention or only stuck in a sidebar" even if, well, sometimes their history/character aren't explored all that much

Not quite enough swashbucking for me, but I suppose this isn't flipping Lord of the Rings, Jodie's PREGNANT (i think) in these fight sequences, and Yaz is fighting with three pointy rings on which you should never, ever do, so no wonder Mandip got a bit of a boo boo. It was still nice.

Sea Devils a bit perfunctory? They always were, compared to the Silurians. At least this gives a little bit of an idea why they started dressing east Asian back in my day, er, the 80s. And boy howdy those VISUALS. Sorry that wasn't the myrkra upgraded, but it looked awesome.

Thasmin. I appreciate that this writer gave us what Chibnall really hasn't, ever since the connection between Yaz and Thirteen started leaping off the screen: right when it happened, the Doctor went fucking off to Gallifrey, and Yaz lost her, and ever since then they've spent almost all the stories apart so there just hasn't been enough TIME with them working together, using that chemistry than Mandip and Jodie had as friends. Although the characters have moved off in another direction now, so it's less BFFs in space gettin' things done and more... strained partnership, good and bad, whatever happens you're there at my side. (And I LOVED the callback to Woman Who Fell From Earth when Yaz asked if the Doctor had a plan).

But the thrum of yearning tension between them was there and it was right. Not too heavy-handed, because real queer women? We're used to pining and uncertainly; half the time the women we fall for may be sending ambiguous signals so we're not sure whether they're straight. So we jam our hands in our pockets and don't let it stop us from friendships and the rest of the day. Usually.

That precious moment down underwater was magical and maddening and electric (even if the science was shit. What are our friends Teal and Orange doing shining so brightly that far down? But it looked gorgeous). Poor Yaz, just not quite able to say anything. KISS HER, kiddo. Just. Try.

Typical Doctor FINALLY opening up in the middle of deadly danger and yapping all offhanded about the most serious stuff when she's actually so rattled she almost gets them killed.

And... the ending. Hella acting by Jodie. I'm aching for Yaz (I'm glad she had the courage to say "Why not?!")

What Thirteen said here is what I've said and written about the Doctor for years and years. It's how I felt about Rose and River (sorry). I ship, but when I do, it's a guilty pleasure, and it's always, always with a carpe diem understanding: the Doctor CANNOT have long term relationships, unless they meet someone like the Corsair who's as long-lived as they are. (Okay, River.) The Doctor rattles around too much, and changes too much from life to life, to commit to any life partner.

And yes, despite writing a few, I can see how "friends with benefits" doesn't exactly work for this show. It's not really how the character has acted over the years, bar Moffatt getting horny.

And yet. As my old girlfriend grumbled to me, the Doctor WAS getting in for quite a bit of canoodling as a guy... why do they think a lesbian is a eunuch?

Or, for me: what's this no-touching business with Yaz? It's really rare now, rare enough that the "Yaz, with me" hand grip was electric. Which made it all the more powerful, but why? Why not sit on the beach with arms around each other's shoulders, leaning on each other, the way Mandip and Jodie do as RL buds?

And when the Doctor does clumsily come around to the conclusion that she just wants to live in the moment with Yaz for as long as it lasts, why isn't THAT the signal for them to smooch— carpe diem? Maybe not full make out; that just doesn't feel like they'd go there outside of fanfic, because this Doctor does come off pretty ace. But a kiss. A sigh. And then curling up side by side to watch the ocean, hands folded one over the other. Just for now.

That said... I'm only frustrated because if feels like we can't have that simply because they're women, whereas the show went there before with Rose, River, etc. BUT, I also agree that the Doctor is godawful at forming any relationship closer than friendship. Thirteen's especially bad at it, holding everyone at arm's length trying not to get too close . I think what the Doctor said is in character, and I felt all the feels. (I wish Yaz had spoken up a little more.) I'm glad we finally had some of the convo I was afraid Chibs would put off forever.

It wasn't all I could wish, but it was one possibility, true to their characters. And it did show Yaz and her Doctor, in love, caring about each other, on a beach, side by side. Which is a true thing that we lived to see happen in canon.

And thank ALL THE GODS IN THE OGDOAD that two of my favorite probably-bi companions, Ace and Tegan (and I think I caught a glimpse of Kate Stewart in that trailer too?) will be swooping in to give me Yaz a shoulder to cry on and possibly a job offer so I will not be utterly and totally destroyed by Jodie's finale.

*runs back in before hitting post*

*mashes Yaz and the Doctor's faces together*

*staggers off to collapse*

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S1:E1; Chapter One, The Vanishing of Will Byers - [Pt. 3 - FINAL]

A Will Byers x Male!Reader Series

𝘖𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥'𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦, 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘏𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘳��𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦, 𝘢 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥.

|| 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ||

The bell rang, signaling the end of class. The guys and I were quick to pack up our belongings before making a beeline for Mr. Clarke's desk, eager to see if the Heathkit came. All the while Mr. Clarke was reminding the already fleeting class of our homework assignment.

"Remember, finish chapter 12 and answer 12.3 on the difference between an experiment and other forms of science investigation. This will be on the test, which will cover chapters 10 through 12. It will be multiple choice with an essay section." His voice faltered towards the end of his sentence as he realized no one had been paying attention.

His head turned to us and he didn't seem too surprised to see us so eager. Mike couldn't take the wait any longer and spoke up on the behalf of all of us.

"So, did it come?"

Mr. Clarke looked solemn. "Sorry, guys," Our heads began to hang in disappointment at his words. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... It came!"

My face lit up with relief. We followed Mr. Clarke down the halls in anticipation. Mike got to the door first and eagerly threw it open, the rest of us close on his tail.

"Yes!"

Since Mike was the first through the door, naturally he dove for the desk chair as the rest of us scuttled over each other, each of trying to get a close look at it. Lucas and I seemed to have the same idea as we fiddled with the knobs on the Heathkit as Mr. Clarke addressed the new device we were all so eager to see.

"The Heathkit ham shack," The boys and I were in awe.

"Ain't she a beaut?" Mr. Clarke sighed. Dustin then spoke up. "I bet you could talk to New York on this thing."

"Think bigger." Said Mr. Clarke. I rose my eyebrow and looked to my teacher as I questioned, "California?"

"Bigger." 'No way.'

"Australia?" Mike pressed. We all turned out heads hopefully to Mr. Clarke as he responded with a smile and the shake of his head. We all exclaimed.

"Oh man," Lucas chuckled in excitement. "When Will sees this, he's totally gonna blow his shit." My smile faltered at the mention of Will, as Mr. Clarke scolds Lucas for his foul language. Lucas apologized turning back to the Heathkit, and I shake my head slightly trying to get my mind off of Will.

Lucas seems to have found the right settings on the dials based on the high pitch frequencies coming out of the Heathkit. Mike has the headphones on and begins to speak into the mic in an Australian accent.

"'Ello, this is Mike Wheela', president of Hawkins Middle AV Club."

Dustin then practically ripped the headphones off of Mike's head, a big goofy grin on his face as he placed them on his head. Mike was in a fit of giggles as he spoke. "What are you doing?" Dustin proceeded to do the exact same thing as Mike just moments ago.

"'Ello, this is Dustin, and this is the secretary and treasurer of Hawkins Middle AV Club. Do you eat kangaroos for breakfast?" I giggle, shaking my head thinking about the poor confused soul who is stuck listening to the boys ramble on. As Lucas grabs for the headphones, I turn around so I'm facing Mr. Clarke, and I give a polite, yet warm smile. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome Mr. Henderson," He returned the smile, seeming appreciative of the fact that at least one of us said 'Thank you'. He has always been a great teacher, and I don't think anybody ever really appreciates or even thanks him very much. I can't imagine how frustrating it can be as a teacher. I laugh to myself at the sight of my friends playfully fighting over who gets to use it next, when our fun gets cut short at the sound of a knock on the door. We all turn our heads to see the Principle walk in, a couple of men behind him.

"Sorry to interrupt, but, uh, may I borrow Y/N, Michael, Lucas, and Dustin?" To say my stomach dropped would be an understatement as I got a better look at the men out in the hallway and realized it was the Chief and one of his officers.

My mouth ran dry.

'Will.'

The four of were seated on the couch in the Principal's office, Chief Hopper, and officer Callahan - I believe his name was - seated in chairs opposite us. I was seated between Mike and Dustin, I kept my mouth shut unless told otherwise, and my hands have woven together in my lap, much too afraid to do otherwise. The boys, on the other hand, were freaking out and all trying to speak at once. I tried nudging them warningly with my elbows but they just ignored me. It seemed I had made the right choice in being quiet, as Hopper seemed to have gotten impatient almost immediately.

"Okay, okay, okay. One at a time all right? You." He points Mike. Mike shakes his head. "You said he takes what?"

"Mirkwood."

"Mirkwood." His face scrunched up in confusion.

"Yes," I croaked involuntarily, wanting to explain to him that it is just our name for road.

"Have you ever heard of Mirkwood?" He turned to the officer.

"I have not. That sounds made up to me." The officer replied. This timid, awkward man gave me the impression he was more of a 'Yes-man' and knew nothing about what he was doing.

"No, it's from Lord of the Rings."

'Oh, here we go.' I think to myself, sighing.

"Well, The Hobbit."

Mike and I look at each other, knowing what's happening.

"It doesn't matter." Lucas retorted.

"Knock it off!" I warn, trying my best to throw my whisper across the couch without drawing attention to myself.

"He asked!" Dustin nearly shouted.

"Guys!" I hissed.

"'He asked'" Lucas mimicking Dustin, not even listening to me.

I looked over at Mike for help but he is already checked out.

They continue talking over each other in a childish manner and the chief leans forward trying to silence them.

"Hey, hey, hey!" They quieted down finally. "What'd I just say? One at a damn time. You." He nodded to me. He seemed to tolerate just Mike and me.

"Mirkwood, as Mike was saying. It is a real road. It's just the name that's made up, it's what we call it. It's where Cornwallis and Kerley meet." I finish.

He seems satisfied, finally having a straightforward answer. He leans back in his chair, talking now to Callahan.

"Yeah, all right, I think I know that—"

"We can show you, if you want." Mike offered hopefully, cutting the chief off mid-sentence.

"I said that I know it!"

"We can help look."

"Yeah" Dustin added hopefully.

"No."

And just like that, the boys begin to talk over each other once again. Knowing better than to waste my breath trying to shut them up, I sit back once again, hands in my lap waiting for the Chief to continue.

"No," He says loud enough to quiet the boys. "After school, you are to all go home. Immediately. That means no biking around looking for your friend, no investigating, no nonsense. This isn't some Lord of the Rings book."

"The Hobbit."

"Shut up!" Lucas gave Dustin a swat on the arm.

Dustin reached over and hit Lucas back, knocking me and Mike back in the process. I roll my eyes in annoyance, and fight every urge I have not to shout at them.

"Hey!"

Mike finally snaps. "Stop it!"

They continue hitting each other and Hopper finally leans over and says quietly, in an irritated tone. "Do I make myself clear?"

I was the only one paying attention so based on his tired, lowered voice and his eyes on me, I could tell he was just talking to me at this point.

I shook my head. "Yes," I mutter.

He nodded his head at me in thanks. All the while, the boys were still bickering. Hopper's gaze landed on the boys, and he stood up and walked forward towards us. The way his tall frame towered over us was overwhelming, and enough to shut the boys up. In a deep, intimidating voice, he repeated his words, slowly.

"Do I make myself... clear?" The boys nod their heads in fear, their necks craning up to meet his eyes.

"Yes, sir."

"Yeah."

"Yes."

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

I've been laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling for about thirty minutes, give or take a few. I had managed to do all of my school work, including my project that wasn't due for another week and a half, read three books — granted, they were fairly short — and I was still left with nothing to do but worry about Will. The fact that I'm not allowed to help is driving me crazy, even though I keep trying to tell myself the adults are better equipped to deal with this stuff. My thoughts are interrupted by the crackling of the walkie-talkie that was sitting on my dresser. Since our mom couldn't afford two walkie-talkies, Dustin and I share one. I usually have it though so I can talk to Will.

The voice coming through sounded like Mike. Rather than getting my hopes up I just decided to stay put, staring at my ceiling, listening in.

"Lucas, do you copy? It's Mike. Lucas? Over."

"Hey, it's Lucas."

"I know it's you. And say 'over' when you're done talking so I know when you're done. Over." I roll my eyes and smile.

"I'm done. Over." I chuckle at this.

"I'm worried about Will. Over." My smile quickly falls.

I can hear Lucas sigh. "Yeah. This is crazy. Over."

"I was thinking..." Now I was really paying attention. "Will could've cast Protection last night, but he didn't. He cast fireball. Over." I sat up slowly, my eyebrows furrowed at the walkie.

"What's your point? Over."

"My point is... he could've played it safe, but he didn't. He put himself in danger to help the party. Over." A bittersweet smile flutters across my face briefly at this.

"Meet me in ten. Over and out."

'To hell with adults.' I tell myself. I leap off my bed and grab the walkie, knowing they'll still be able to hear me.

"Forgetting someone? Over."

"Y/n? Over." It was Mike.

"Don't worry, I'll let Dustin know. Over and out."

I retract the walkie before shoving it into my bag and heading for Dustin's room.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Once I had caught Dustin up on everything, the four of us had met up and we are now currently riding down Mirkwood. The thought of my best friend disappearing right here, exactly 24 hours ago was enough to give me chills.

"Ah, man. This is it." Lucas broke the silence as we approached the barrier closing off the path where his bike was supposedly found. We all came to a stop.

For a brief moment, the woods were lit up by lighting in the distance as thunder bellowed across the sky. Dustin looked up at the blanket of clouds above the trees, his voice shaking.

"Hey, guys. You feel that?" He was obviously referring to the rain that fell on his face. I roll my eyes. "I think maybe we should go back."

"No!" Mike and I said simultaneously.

"We're not going back. Just stay close." Mike and Lucas continued on into woods. I was eager to follow them but not without trying to reassure my brother.

"Dustin, he's right. Look, I know you're scared right now, okay? I'm scared too, but can you even imagine how scared Will must be? We have to do this. For Will." I didn't wait for a reply and ran to catch up with Mike and Lucas.

Knowing my brother, he would rather stay in a group than split up. Sure enough, he gave in.

"Hey, guys, wait up!" He said, dropping his bike. "Wait up!"

We started walking again, and as we did it I could feel the rain start to soak my neck and shoulders. I pulled my hood up over my head, turning on my flashlight and set off into the night, eager to find my friend.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

The thunder rumbled, and as we ventured deeper into the forest I could feel the light drizzle of rain evolving into a steady downpour.

"WILL!"

"WILL!" I cried.

"Byers!" Lucas yelled.

Dustin tried a different approach. "I've got your X-Men 134!"

Our flashlights were hardly making a difference at this point. Dustin spoke up again. "Guys, I really think we should turn back."

"Seriously, Dustin?" Lucas exclaimed. "You wanna be a baby, then go home already!"

"I'm just being realistic Lucas!"

"No, you're just being a big sissy."

"Did you ever think Will went missing because he ran into something bad? And we're going to the exact same spot where he was last seen? And we have no weapons or anything?"

I start to slow down once I heard something in the bushes.

"Dustin, shut up." Mike spoke up.

'Okay, thankfully, Mike must have heard it too.'

"I'm just saying, does that seem smart to you?"

"Dustin!" I snap. "Zip it!"

Now the rustling was loud and clear.

"Did you guys hear that?" Mike asks.

I just shake my head, looking around for the source of the noise. The rustling is louder than ever and we all turn in the direction it came from. All our flashlights pointed in that direction. Then we heard it again. It was right behind us. We whipped around to find a girl, with a buzz cut, wearing nothing but 'Benny's Burgers' tee t-shirt. We all stood there, mouths agape at this girl, shivering and cowering in fear.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

❥ Let me know if you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist! ❥

[dazaiaiko]

hi, could I ask for some comfort for a depressed reader with Chuuya or Atsushi? I've been feeling pretty bad lately and I'm just in need of some fluff with them

Hey there fin(please tell me what to call you!)

I am really sorry for the delay of your request!! And I will try to give you the best possible fluff! I hope you can feel happy all over again on reading this! And if you feel like it my ramble corner is always open so come by whenever you like, okay?

Here you go!

Warnings: Depressions

Characters: Atsushi x reader

꧁༒ 𝑀𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉༒꧂

"Y/n!! Look I got these flowers from the vendor on the street today! Aren't they-" He stopped in his tracks when he saw you.

He had expected you to probably be on the couch reading a book or doing some work on the laptop however....

When you both had started dating he had known you as the most organised person ever however here you were lying in that same spot among the huddled blankets as he had seen you earlier in the morning before leaving for work today. He could hear small stifled sniffles coming from within the heap. And then they suddenly stopped.

"Y/n....? Are you okay? Please don't hide from me....Tell me what has happened so that I can help you...."

You looked up from within the blankets making sure to not reveal your bloodshot eyes and red-flushed cheeks from moments before and tried to flash a warm smile towards your love so as to not surprise or worry him because of your problems. He already had enough to worry about than have you add to his burdens.

"Hey...I am sorry I couldn't come to greet you... I was actually feeling under the weather so I was home today and couldn't commute to work as well...."

But you couldn't fool a person who could recognise you from the sound of your heels. You had been wearing the same night suit as last night and your hair was a mess.

As much as you tried to keep your voice from breaking down but you couldn't keep a sob down, so while there was a silence in the room your tears started falling again. You let out a quiet whimper as you could feel yourself spiralling into your depressing thoughts.

Atsushi ran towards you and pulled you in a bear hug.

Whenever it was him who was in this state you always cuddled up to him, whispering encouraging things so now he would return the favour by trying his best to comfort you in your vulnerability and weakest moments.

"Hey hey...its okay. Shh....I am here.... I am here now, just tell me everything that's going through your mind okay? I promise I will be a good listener."

"I-Its nothing really. I just felt...felt so much pressured by work, expectations by people and all that I couldn't handle it anymore. The burden doesn't seem to end no matter how much I try though! Perhaps I am just not trying hard enough...?"

"Not at all! I know for all that you work really hard to strive towards your goal but a little break here and there is fine! You can never over exert yourself okay? I won't let you.....How about we go for a small trip to Yokosuka tomorrow? For two to three days? I will ask Kunikida-san about the pending holiday. okay?"

He snuggled up close to you wrapping you like a burrito inside the duvet and massaged your scalp to relax your thoughts while you calmly consider his proposal. You gave in to your thoughts about his plan and it seemed to be quite exciting to be able to spend three days with your love in a quiet and serene place away from all these feelings.

You gave a slight nod and hugged him closer to you to feel his comforting warmth. Suddenly you felt exhaustion take over you. It had been a long day of thoughts and tears and you finally felt at peace after letting it all out to someone who cherished you.

Even though you could never fathom why you had this anxiety and panic attack all of a sudden today you could feel safe and relaxed in his arms again.

After all someone rightly said -

"Sometimes a hug is the better answer even when the question is not known"

and you knew that you both have each other to answer your questions for now, tomorrow and the days to come.

THE END

calling ☎: @nullified-kiss @jessbeinme15 @shinys-bsd-world-1 @nameless-shrimp + taglist

Requests status: Open

[lordmushroomkat]

I think all of the joy drained out of my body. I'm not sure what happened.

I just... I feel so very alone.

I guess I just ran out of steam? I had so many ideas but now I have nobody to talk to about it and... it's just me rambling into a Google doc again and with no one to tell my thoughts to it just feels so isolating.

And it's like, does this thing I've been working on even need to exist? Will anyone appreciate it? Will anyone benefit from it? Does anyone care about this? Is my effort worth it?

Shouldn't I just leave this fandom behind and find something else? I've finally run out of joy and now it's like I'm in the limbo between fandoms again but this time I'm refusing to let go of the previous one.

I just... I can stave off the boredom of No More Content if I have people to talk to but... now I'm alone again.

And I can't talk to my sister because she has no interest in it and I've already bothered her too much with this. And I can't talk to my dad because he's passionate about the franchise but sees it completely differently. And I really can't talk to my mom because she doesn't do fandom. And I can't talk to my partner because I'm not sure where he stands with it and I kinda don't want to embarrass myself by telling him about my dumb little AU when he does, like, actual frequent writing.

And I just. It's so isolating to be in a fandom that I can't talk to my family about when I have nobody else to talk to about it. I dunno, fandom is incredibly personal to me because it's been my lifeblood through every difficult thing I've ever faced. It's the thing that keeps me going and keeps my brain entertained. And for me a fandom only really comes to life when I can talk to people directly about it. Having fandom friends is how I keep from driving my sister insane with my 24/7 fandom brain.

But it can be hard to make new friends, fandom or otherwise, because I'm kinda afraid of people? Because I know what happens when I exist amongst other people long enough to get comfortable; inevitable rejection. I always push slightly too far and that's it. Just a slip-up when I'm having a rotten day and I lose everything. I always lose everything.

Maybe the problem is that I'm never quite domesticated enough, once I get comfy the feral unhinged energy comes out, and unless that's already the base energy of the group, things fall apart fast. It's why the only groups I'm still on good terms with are incredibly feral people with deeply weird senses of humor. Everyone else seems to misinterpret me. I'm not mean by nature, but I am sarcastic and very intense. But even in scenarios where the vibe is feral, sometimes I'll just have opinions that are a little too off-brand. There are things we don't talk about as a society and sometimes I want to talk about them and other people decide that's not okay.

And I've learned to do that less. I've learned to keep my challenging thoughts to myself and accept a "shut up" with grace and try not to take criticism to heart but man is it hard. And at this point I'm not even sure it's worth it. Because even at this point in my evolution, where I have more grace than I've ever had and take criticism at face value and stick it out in awkward situations, somehow still it's not enough. Somehow I'm still not enough. How much more will I have to twist myself in knots to be good enough? How much more of myself will I erode just for the pleasure of having a friend group? How many more rejections is it worth just to stave off the creeping loneliness? Is any of this even worth it?

My life has been one long, complicated domestication from the deeply confused little autistic kid I was, and I wonder sometimes how much of me is even real anymore. How much of me is a construction my desperate mind forged in a mad scramble to appeal to anyone at all? Am I real? Are my thoughts my own? Are my tastes my own? Is anything of me truly mine? I mean I know we are all a collection of experiences and influences but... there's nurture and then there's... becoming what you think people want to see just so they might tolerate you. Autistic masking is so complicated because after a while you're not even sure who you are anymore.

Maybe that's why I go feral when I get comfortable, because I get tired of playing a part, because it's the only way I know how to find out what I am behind all of the facades. Or maybe even the feral is just a comedy defense mechanism and even that is something I adopted to fit in. Maybe if you strip off all of the masks there's just nothing behind them. Maybe if you remove the parts of me I made myself to fit in there's just nothing left. Maybe none of me is real. Well, perhaps a few things.

I know a few things that are real, things that I did not create, things that I just am.

Like, here are some real things; I love my family, I am non-binary, my complicated orientation is my own, I feel lonely, I am autistic, I have depression, I like to draw, I like to write, animation is my favorite type of media, found family is one of my favorite tropes, character is my favorite aspect of narrative, I hate summer, my favorite season(s) is Autumn and Spring, I like many many kinds of music, art is an essential aspect of my identity as a person.

None of these things exist for anyone but me. And there are more. Most of my likes and dislikes are entirely my own, even if someone else introduced me to it.

Perhaps these are the things to focus on. The things that I like, the things that are mine. Maybe it shouldn't matter if anyone else sees what I make and likes it, maybe it's enough to make something because I think it's fun. It would be cathartic to finish something for once.

I can make something for me and then let the world have it. The world can have as many pieces of me as it wants, but those pieces still belong to me. Everything I am is still my own.

[wannaholdhandswithfictionalmen]

Can I send a request for a fic with venti and a gender neutral mc? It's not really meant to be romantic or anything along those lines. I've just been constantly thinking about how the mc was stripped of everything, including their wings when they lost their fight against the unknown god, and how the gliders might have brought them a bit of comfort when trying to get accustomed to Mondstadt.

Something more heartfelt, maybe the mc just talking to venti after a late night out, or just waking up in the middle of the night to take a stroll in peace away from paimon, amber and the rest of the Chaotic knights of favonious.

This is more of a prompt if anything- I dont usually send requests so I dont know how to format them- sorry about that :'0

A/n: first time writing Venti. Oof. Hopes it's alright and anon I hope this is close to what you wanted.

Genre: Angst. Some fluff. (The power of friendship.)

Warning: It gets a bit angsty before it get softer.

Summary: The reality of your circumstances of the trapped traveler get you and Venti offers you some advice and comfort as your friend.

Word count: 1,420

In The Days To Come (How Much Will I Miss You?);

It was a series of perfect events, little coincidences, Paimon got distracted a while back by the smell of food, fluttering off with 'Delicious. Tasty food! Paimon will be back' before vanishing from your side. The knight of Favonius had no urgent problems to ask for your aid with now that the Dvalin has been saved and Mondstadt and its people can rest easy. You finally had time to yourself, time to feel and think of your new reality. 

It was the gentlest tug, pull of melancholy it crept up slowly, slowly, slowly all day nipping at your heels until you felt it from your toes to your head. Numbness, so empty at first then came sadness buried deep, ignored for days for the sake of saving others, making sure others were happy, living in their home, with their family-- while you were still missing yours. It felt unfair. Resentment and anger reared their ugly heads, howling like starving, ravenous beats. 

What an overwhelming torrent of emotion, waves after wave, lapping at your chin, your mouth, your nose. Sinking. Sinking. Sinking. No. Drowning. 

Until there was nothing but a muffled, muted haze of the world around you. 

If you nodded and 'hm', 'yes', 'sure', 'okay' your way through passing conversations no one noticed. Oh, how kind, brave and stoic the traveler was! Our hero! Maybe you didn't want to be a hero. You just wanted your sibling back. 

Gliding from the highest building in Mondstadt in the dead of night, you could close your eyes, imagine it, see it, your wings, the wind through your hair, the laughter of your best friend, your constant companion, your sibling-- 'I am absolutely certain, I can beat you!', 'Ha! How hilarious. You just try to keep up!' 

Then your feet hit the cobblestone of Mondstadt, your eyes snap open and that dream, that wish, all of it shatters into the most fragile fragments, fading away, slipping out of your mind, no matter how hard you try to grasp onto it, hold it close. Gone. 

You just want to cry. 

Figures it would be Venti who just so happens to find you. In the late hours of the night, every minute passes towards that too late but also too early threshold of time. 

He is whistling, then humming a gentle, soft song. Lyrics and melody unknown to you, deft, nimble fingers strum quiet, easy notes from his lyre. 

Quiet footsteps approaching your seating form, nearly hunched over a ledge outlooking most of Mondstadt from this peak near the cathedral and the statue of your friend, it was still a little odd to think of Venti, the whimsical, chaotic bard as a god but easier to wrap your mind around given the fact you had traveled to many different realms and worlds in the past. 

"How lucky I am to find a lone traveler, perhaps I could provide you with some company?" Venti interrupts his little performance to sit down beside you, cradling his lyre in his hands, you don't really have the energy to even answer or protest his presence even if you wanted. 

"Did you catch a bit of my new tune? I must work on something that will blow away even Master Diluc! Perhaps enough for a night of free drinks in the tavern in exchange for the request of my music!" Venti exclaims rather determinedly as always, especially when it came to getting the best wine possible, for free as well. The lengths he'd be willing to go is almost admirable in a way. 

Your answering silence, no laugh, huff or even a scoff at his expense nor a head shake, roll eyes. Nothing. 

"Ah poor traveler, your gloom could bring down even the brightest flowers bloom, what has doubled your trouble?" Even his joking yet sincere rhyming can't bring much of a reaction to your face and that eats away at Venti. Never one to want his friends to suffer, not if he is there to help in whatever way he can. 

Venti loses his playful, mischievous nature for the moment in favor of being serious. It's then he is more Anemo Archon then Venti the bard. 

"What is wrong, friend?" 

One tear is followed by many others, everything rushes to the surface, you shake, tremble, break under the weight of your own sorrow. Sobbing out to the blinking stars far, far away. 

"What if my sibling is gone forever? What if I never find any clues, signs? What if I spend the rest of my life trapped here, searching and searching?" You sound half hysterical with grief and worry, rambling out every doubt, insecurity you have kept so tightly hidden away. Because everyone else had their own problems and all the problems they wanted you to solve. 

"Years side by side, through every trouble, every battle, every adventure, journey, they were always with me. Now? I am alone. My power, my wings, my sibling taken from me." You sniff and cough, squeezing your eyes shut as the world around your blurs and become a mess of colors. 

"I am tired. I am scared. Why do I always have to be brave? Strong? My whole life has been turned upside down and I have barely had time to adjust! To take all of this in, it feels like every person I meet needs my help for something unrelated to finding my only family!" You can't help the way your words turn exhausted and bitter. 

Venti waits and listens to your venting without interruption. It's only once he is sure you have let it all out that he speaks. 

"There is no shame in your sorrow, your pain. You have been thrown into a situation unfamiliar and unless anything you have experienced before and you are being forced to endure this without your closest friend, your sibling." Venti's tone is slow, decisive as if he is giving every single word meticulous thought. 

"You are incorrect to assume that means you are alone. You have new friends here, people who care about you, your journey and your goal. Paimon, Me, Jean, Lisa, Diluc, Kaeya, Amber, we all care for you. And you will have our support whenever you need it. Without question." The finality and firmness of his statement leaves no room for argument. 

You realize and recognize the truth in his words and Venti stays by your side, in the quiet night as you cry and cry, relieving the tangled knot of everything you had let grow, fester and linger for so long, even before you found Paimon. 

Venti plays a soothing harmony, a mellow, delicate dance of the strings of his lyre and his soft voice, singing; something just for you, for the moment of trust and sharing between two friends. It is a lovely, comforting song as your tears begin to dry and the burden on you is lessened for now. 

It's easy to smile and hum along with Venti as if you've heard this a dozen times.

You have no idea what is awaiting you on the journey, what struggles you will face, what obstacles and hardships that will cause you to stumble and fall but you do have friends who will be there to pick you back up again and again.

"Paimon just enjoyed a juicy, sweet, savory meal! (Name) you should have join- wait a minute!" Paimon takes one look at you and her cheeks puff out in anger, it's too cute to be truly scary but the glares she shoots at Venti is fiercely defensive. 

"What did you do tone-deaf bard?!" 

You laugh, reaching out to take hold of Paimon, you hug her gentle. Paimon squeaks out in surprise but you feel her tiny arms gently squeeze your neck. 

"I have done nothing wrong, this time." Venti had paused his private little song, ensuring it was something meant to be shared between you two just like this night would be a shared memory to look back on. 

Paimon wiggles away from you, floating before you, you watch her stick her tongue out at Venti, blowing and making a hilarious show of her disbelief. "Paimon doesn't believe you! Apologize to them now!" 

In the ensuing 'fight' between Venti and Paimon, you watch Venti reach forward and pinch her cheek and the small girl lunged at him in a failed attempt to choke him, you are sure, Venti holds her back with a hand over her face. 

You laugh. 

Yeah, you had friends and you weren't alone.