#OR DO I JUST GO IN WHAT IM WEARING RN
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AAG WHAT DO I WEAR. TO THE IDKHOW CONCERT THIS IS DESTROYING ME
#AAAHHHHHHH#DO I REWEAR THE OUTFIT IVE WORN 3 TIMES THIS WEEK#OR DO I DRESS LIKE WHAT LOVE DALLON#OR DO I JUST GO IN WHAT IM WEARING RN#TEMPTED. TO REWEAR THE OUTFIT#IDK WHAT TO DO#IDDDKKKKKKKKKKK#chase said something alright
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY
#I WASNT EVEN MEANING TO SO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE DIALOGUE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING FUCK#ill go and find it later if only to give myself peace of mind. BUT WOW. WHAT THE FUCK#my original plan was to 1) work my way to the king and talk to him 2) doom myself and take everyone down with me 3) loop back to floor 3#so i can visit the observatory and scrounge for any lore. although since i got killed that run siffrin asked the king to kill him first#which was intereresting. but i decided to have all doors unlocked that time around so i can just get the starcrest and go#but for some reason it wasnt working so i went to get the keyknife since i was already there and completely forgot i already had it#from the previous loop and THATS what triggered it. IT WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SCARY BUT ALSO I THINK I GET WHAT THEY MEAN#about siffrin going back without actually changing. going along with a script even if his feelings on things change#the same way he has his own small rituals like the carving thing and does it for constancy. reassurance or safety even#and the times when he breaks script and ends horribly like the sadness attacking thing and bonnie yelling at him cause him to loop#to avoid it. although i cant really say anything bc id probably do the same thing. maybe not for the same reasons since im cruel#and make him do the worst to see what will happen since i put curiosity over rejection sensitivity as an observer and player but well.#i feel wrongfooted bringing it up since i dont have it myself but i have to wonder if this kind of leans into ocd tendencies.. i remember#reading something about how ocd is fuelled by fear. and things like counting and rituals are kind of used to cope with that?#if anyone knows anything more or talked abt it already id be really interested in hearing it bc im almost sure im not#the first to come to this conclusion. but i simply dont know enough nor have the confidence to broach the topic rn esp with how often#misconceptions around ocd get casually passed around so its hard for me to know what is and isnt a baseless assumption#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#playthru#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#change god#WHAT WAS THAT WITH WEARING LOOPS FACE THOUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK
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i know i've been very culty on here about period underwear and reusable period products in general whenever i've brought up the topic in the last year or so but i mean it sincerely. i have never spent my money on a product that just simply improved my life so much. game-changing isn't even the beginning of it. i look forward to how much better my periods are now since i no longer have to depend on gross disposables. period underwear is the shit
#the best thing is it doesn't even feel wet. it doesn't even feel wet#like when you're a kid and you're new at it and all you can think about is how much you dont wanna be on your period anymore#and how much you wanna go back to just wearing your underwear like a normal day#with period underwear. you're just wearing underwear. and it DOES feel like a normal day#menstruation cw#other than y'know you're continuously bleeding and maybe you have cramps or whatever#other than having a kinda swimsuity texture (cant think of a better way to describe it) it just feels like underwear#it's JUST underwear#tales from diana#i mean im not even on my period rn although i am getting closer to it#i just bought ordered some new stuff and once this comes in. i'll be disposable-pad free forever#like i could cry about that#including some cloth pads (ive never tried them before)#i figured i could keep one or two of those in my purse or whatever for emergencies#the ONLY (and i mean only) inconvenient thing about period underwear is that it's much less convenient to just change or put on in public#on light or moderate days for me at least they can last the whole day. on heavy days it's good to change every 12 hours#and i can typically depend on doing that at home#but if i have a cloth pad for emergencies then i never have to rely on a disposable EVEN IN THE CASE that my period comes unexpectedly.#i mean it like i'm genuinely excited about this#i have only mentioned it a handful of times to friends in the year-plus that i bought that first pair of thinx#but i would literally buy any of my friends who menstruate a pair or a pack if they asked#like im very passionate about what a life improvement it has been#why do you think i'm always vag-angelizing about it these days?
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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cannot wait for the amount of self confidence it would require to wink at anyone i caught staring at me
#i wore a skirt today#and like lowkey big step for me rn the gender dysphoria demon in my head has been goin Crazy lately ngl#(i wore it bc i knew i was gonna be talking to Hella trans people today)#anyway so like ppl were staring bc i was wearing a bomb ass fit yknow#i dont go to a fashion school any effort is lowkey crazy#also stg everyone decided to dress crusty today and i just was not aware of that#anyway#i just pretended they were staring at me bc they thought i was hot#or at least that i looked like a boy wearing a skirt#and yknow. it worked#i did not feel crazy self conscious#gaslighting myself until i believe that not everyone thinks im a piece of gum at the bottom of their shoe#but yeah i want to get to the point where if i see someone#but ESPECIALLY if its a straight (passing) guy#that i just wink#bc the POWER move that would be#like what are you gonna do about it#oh you like this face? kay ;)#rambles#gender stuff#(ig)
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Put cassie next to yara, donna and diana and tell me it isnt just sad
#Like come on#Its not offensive to my brain its just absolutely nothing#They all get cool armor and cassie is. In leggings. And a tshirt.#txt#Disclaimer im not 100% sure what donna has rn but i know its at least an Outfit. Like a superhero costume#She needs a superhero costume and not just fucking hey im a 15yo going to school outfit#Not that adults cant wear thsi etc etc but u cannot tell me compared to the rest of wonders she doesn't look like a child#Whatever its not like theyre doing anything wiht her anyway. Shes barely a character at this point
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It's difficult dealing with so many people who think we aren't meant to be with eachother. I don't get why someone else's relationship can mean so much to bystanders. Can't you find something else to do?
#mine#yandere#yancore#irl yandere#yanderecore#yandere vent#yanposting#i just. self confidence can only get you so far. surrounded by people who are saying awful things wears me down so much#i hate them so much and i wish they never existed. its making me stronger supposedly but the only thing i feel like its actually doing is#making me violent and miserable and angry and nauseous. please stop saying those things about him#i try to block it out but its literally everywhere. this is all i have. this is ALL I HAVE. BUT IT DOESNT MATTER HUH#and it feels like theyre all against me. and the only thing i can do is cry and hate them more and more#and the only thing i can do is love him the most. but only by myself. because no one can comprehend the lengths i would go#and no one takes it seriously and appreciates that its the only thing keeping me sane and the only reason why im here rn#but then again. they dont matter do they?#i just need to permanently kill that part of me that cares what they think. because nothing else and no one else matters!! ok??
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Gencon is very busy...!!!
Ummmmm highlights of the day..!!!
I maybe bought 4 Naruto figurines. Thankfully not individually expensive (though perhaps a little expensive all together...) see I wanted Sasuke but I also wanted Kakashi and I couldn't have Sasuke without Naruto and well it would feel wrong to have the 3 of them without Sakura and so I somehow. Got all 4. Haha. I'll most likely post pics later, whenever I end up opening them. I'm still at the convention center rn lol
(Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it got a little long lol)
I was on the field of the Lucas Oil Stadium, aka the stadium that the Indianapolis Colts play at. I've attended all of One game here (not professional football, it was a high school game lol) so I've felt the size of it, but it's still fucking crazy being on the field. It's so BIG...... and obviously they've got the grass covered rn, but it's still pretty cool!!!
I maaaade dice!!! Pretty precise process it seems, & definitely would require a Lot of work (after the sanding and the painting etc etc). I do still wanna get into it, but if I wanted to spring for stuff like the vacuum chamber or the pressure pot...
Yeah, it'd get expensive. Add in the fact that I don't have a good place to do this away from the cats & it really is not feasible to start rn. But!!! Eventually!!!! I think I'd really enjoy it. I just need a dedicated workshop space where I can spread out without worrying about poisoning my cats lol.
Here's some cool game set stuff I saw in the event hall. This picture is maybe... hm... a fourth of the event hall? And then when you consider that the vender hall (connected to the event hall, though it's closed right now) is maybe 1.5 times as big as the event hall?? Give or take a little...
Aka just imagine booths upon booths upon booths... I'm gonna have to take a pic of it tomorrow. I was there too briefly to think about taking a pic. Honestly I maybe managed to get through like a tenth of the whole vender hall in an hour of wandering. It's fucking huge. And So Many Dice... I bought one set of 14 (I think it was) dice. Aka an extended set. And then I got a random set bag of dice (just a basic 7). And then a d20 with a cat on it. And a dice of LETTERS. Aka I guess a d26 (I totally did not have to double check that there were 26 letters in the alphabet)(I have 702k words written & posted to ao3)(😂😂😂 I'm very tired) but with letters instead of numbers. And it's glow in the dark!!! And I found some hxh buttons, and a mighty nein poster, and uhmmmm. A cute lanyard. And that's all I bought. Which really is such restraint for me. (Omfg I just saw a dragon cosplay)(someone just dressed as a dragon)
OH YEAH I saw a fucking. Persona 5 Ryuji cosplay. Hanging out with the biker lady from Durarara. Featuring the Ryuji holding her scythe hfksbfmd which was such a funny image. I was too shy to ask for a pic but just trust 🙏 i saw this
Anyways yeah the only real big thing I bought is the naruto figurines. I'll show pics later once I got the stuff again (I dropped it all off in the car earlier)
Omfg literally as I've been sitting here (on a bench at the side of a main hallway) someone stopped by and gave me a handmade bracelet !!!
DND's 50th anniversary!!! So cute!!!!
#speculation nation#not Too much anime stuff. tho i clearly found some stuff. no trigun yet unfortunately 😔#which i already walked thru the artist area (as much as i could)(i was getting a little stressed by how crowded it was)#so idk maybe i missed a booth or smth but it'd definitely be less likely to see elsewhere in the vender's hall#but WHO KNOWS it's a wonderful massive world in there.#im actually sitting outside it rn and staring longingly at the closed doors. tomorrow... i will be able to Actually peruse it more...#and i will quite possibly wear some ear plugs next time bcus i was getting Stressed Out!!! overstimulated!!!!#pulled in a million different directions!!!!! aaaaaaa!!!!#anyways yeah my events are all done for the night. just kinda hanging out now waiting for my sister's game to be done.#gonna collapse into bed as soon as we get back. so i should probably eat some more.#i had an overpriced and underwhelming sandwich. but there is pizza somewhere. maybe i should eat pizza.#i actually... still have the keys lol. from when i dropped the stuff off at the car earlier.#which is weird. I have the ticket to home with me. but i still wait. bc it would be a dick move to leave with them lol#and also. while i Can drive. i do not have my license. so that would be. a bad. idea.#my shoulders Huuuuurt but thankfully i dont have any combat classes tomorrow#hurting shoulders is more just from my bag bc my shoulders fucking suck. but it makes me glad i can rest more tomorrow.#oh yeah i did the sword knife and longsword today. might get bruises from that knife one. it was very focused on parrying#swords. swords. swords. swords. the longsword class made me really want to own a longsword. i dont own one. yet.#i could. i could. i could. sometime. eventually. i want a longsword. i think i technically just own uhmmm um um#a rapier? a machete? a uh. i dont know what that cheap anime convention sword is actually. OH YEA AND CANE SWORD#no longsword though. i really want to own a katana too. someday i'll own both. someday.#real swords are unfortunatelly really expensive. thats why i only have uh. uh. uhhh. oh yeah i do have those 2 swords from mountains trip#i dont really know what those are either. you know i really should know what bladed weapons i own. i dont though.#i own cool swords and knives bc oooh fun pointy things! wheeeeee!!!#i'll study up on it later. lol.#anyways i guess i should go look for more food. i have rambled enough. bye!
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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i’ve been stricken with so many problems.
#1) the fucking yearning. go away. i don’t need romantic love. it SUCKS and it’s BAD. disgusting.#2) a sudden repulsion for skirts???? WHAT THE HELL. I LOVE SKIRTS. BUT I CANT BRING MYSELF TO WEAR THEM RN. it’s so fucking weird.#3) i have to actually decide what to do with my life. like. big things. like getting a damn apartment.#4) the crippling fear of growing up has resurfaced. i just turned 20. i don’t want to do this shit anymore.#anyway i’m fine 👍#i suppose this is a vent post??? but in the tags.#haven’t vented on tumblr dot com in a hot hot hot minute#not since my irl friend started following me (hopefully they’re not reading this but if they are: hi)#ranting in the tags feels SO much safer. like. no one’s coming in here#OH ANOTHER THING.#5) a fucking midterm is here and it takes EFFORT.#it’s whatever im just feeling feelings and that’s all right#at least i have a fun little thing to look forward to this weekend#im going to see a ballet !!!#but damn……::::that makes me think about how i’ll never actually do anything with my life.#like we can’t all be on the stage but hell#like??? the knowledge that it only gets worse from here???????????? what the actual hell#and sometimes i think about how i’ll always have to be in the closet.#which sometimes im completely fine with and other times it hurts me a lot#idk. IDK.#anyway. im 20 and i don’t know what im doing with my life and ive never had a lover and i don’t have many friends#and i don’t have any passions or dreams or goals and we’re all only here to one day die.#damn i guess this is why people journal#maybe i should pick up journaling#i think it’d help tbh#anyway im rlly truly actually done now#edit: I HAVE ANOTHER PROBLEM#6) MY PERIOD IS MAKING ME UPSET. everything hurts and im gonna be so nauseous and gross tomorrow help me. pain & agony#7) i cant fall asleep!!!!!!!!!!! but im so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#8) im gonna have to sit thru a transphobic + misogynistic + toxic ass chapel teaching tomorrow.
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if i posted a kind of spicy sketch wuold you guys help me decide what kinds of clothes they should be wearing.......
#if u like this post im taking that as a yes. i will make a poll tomorrow im too sleepy rn#its not too spicy just a little#i guess really u will be more deciding how they got into this situation. which will determine what they are wearing#if that doesnt make sense dw it will when i post it but im going sleepies#''why do u keep talking abt it instead of going to sleep couldnt u just make the poll instead'' no Ɛ>#real answer i need to watermark the image but my tablet is on the other side of the room & i dont want to go get it. bc tired#but i can sit here and type on my phone no probllllll ←it has fallen asleep
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the hardest trial a girl can go through is figuring out her oc's fashion style
#wanna draw shri'iia in cute fits but im just like what are u going to wear...!!!!!!#i feel like a grunge red/black/white is kind of on the nose considering thats her colour palette rn#like i want some variety..!!!#but tbh im still figuring out her char like so far im just picking dialogues that i think are funny or class/race specific#but next playthrough ill do a rp run when im more familiar with the lore of like everything lol
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how to not be overstimulated
#put music on - some of my very favourite stuff - and oh! it is making my hair stand on end! in not a good way! i am now on edge and i#don't! know! why!#if only all this would make SENSE >:(#no apparent trigger that i can perceive#back to our regular i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeee apparently#and there's no REASON for to be feeling like this it would be so much easier if there WAS#i want to do so many things but they involve Textures and No#knitting? i want to finish my cloak! im les than a row away from the border itself! excited! and its maybe at times getting cool enough i#could wear it! but the mere thought of perhaps i should knit to calm down sounds Too Much! because knitting has Texture!#piano? it has Sounds! and there's a slightly worrying trend beginning to emerge that piano makes me Feel Emotions! and it's been like at#least five times where ive gone to play the piano to calm down which helps to some extent but also helps to remove a numb feeling which is#overall good emotionally but it has ended up with me harming because i can't Deal with the Emotions! and i dont think this is a very good#trend! i could get out my colouring book i was given for my birthday and see if that helps but that also has Sounds! pencil on paper sounds#i could write but id have to work out a different scene because i cannot write the scene im up to rn bc it's hard enough when im#emotionally stable bc neither character knows what to do or say!#so many things i *could* do! i could go for a walk! too Bright#i could do All These Things If Only I Could#am i just making up all these difficulties and is it just my own stupid brain that's inventing things? Who Knows!!#and it's so unfair that eating makes everything *worse*#it shouldn't happen that way#it just shouldn't#i just want to die so bad#i wont do anything#not permanent i mean#tw suicidal ideation#tw sh#for the record i ate a meal like an hour and a half ago and ive hydrated#personal#im just so tired and pathetic and messed up :/
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going to cry because i am worried i won't finish all the crochet gifts in time :''")
#okay wait time to decide on a vent tag sjdkskl UHHHHH#can i just... tag it with ... ''vent //'' or is that annoying to add to a the tumblr filtering system fhdkdl#thats how old school tumblr cw/tw tagging worked fjdkl they'd just put slashes in so thats what im used to#vent //#we'll go with that ig? lmk if that doesnt work for anybody for any reason and u want smth else and I'll accomodate!!!#okay. um. anyways yeah idk fjdkdl i have been crocheting pretty much all day? i havent done anything else other than eat meals fjdksl#just... crocheting. my wrist hurts sm fjfkdl#i would still be crocheting but after messing up three times on this wing and frogging it all the way back i gave uo#up*#decided to just call it a night bc damn thats frustrating! idk what i was doing wrong but i kept ending up w the wrong amount of stitches!!#i think theres a possibility i can finish everything but im rly not sure fhdkdl tomorrow is already the 17th#im just. afraid fhdkdl i rly want this to work out !!! agh!!#I cant tell if my current chest pain is from anxiety or from medication (which i take for heart pounding from anxiety) wearing off djdkdl#ough. uncomfortable. I'll go draw and hopefully i can calm down bc im just sbdhdkl so afraid rn#IT ALSO DOESNT HELP that im the only one besides Kam in the system who knows how to crochet well fsbdhdkl#so the others cannot take over bc they cannot crochet either at all or as fast as i can :') i am stuck! in front!! AGGHH#i want a break man djsksl this season is so bad for me mentally fbjfdkl but by god i am getting thru it#okay off to go draw now fhdksl i have several ideas for drawing yay
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being the same age as most long term lolitas were when they started getting into it but its different now bc there is just so much less of a community it feels like... like for me i feel more like i am finding a lot of individuals but no local communities bc its just rlly died down i think... like i found a 2013 pph article about a lolita meetup downtown. i dont think that wld happen now even if i COULD find a local community
#i think if theres not a lolita tea party/panel this year at pcm i will host one next year...#by then ill have been actively in the subculture for like a year and ill know a little more.. rn im JUST starting out i wld have no clue#what to do... but like i have ideas for stuff that wld be soo fun and ive always wanted to host/participate in an event or panel#once i was picked to participate in the fandom state alchemist test or w/e its called but then they wldnt let me after they saw my boot#which was so fail bc i absolutely cld have done tthe challenges with a broken foot. BLAH anyway#or like i hope they try the jfashion show again UGH probably not since it had to be cancelled due to lack of participation...#i jst would looove to have lolita friends in the area... idk how successful i wld be at converting someone and my sibling doesnt count#or ONE lolita friend... i only know of one lolita in maine and shes pretty well known in the NA lolita community from what i can tell so#ive met her a couple times actually she is very nice. idk what i am trying to say tbh#im more open to making friends at pcm in a lolita context and not a cosplay context bc every cosplayer ive interacted with for more than a#passing comment or picture turned out to be like umm a freak#or one of my moms students <- student who made all the dresses for the haunted town tour cosplaying kanaya that one year and then me showin#my mom the meetup pictures and her going omg.... thats d///////#she was a really really incredibly seamstress btw her costumes were beautiful. anyway. iconic.#i think probably i havent talked to anyone in a while and it is wearing me down i have to make these massive posts every day
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