#including some cloth pads (ive never tried them before)

[britneyshakespeare]

i know i've been very culty on here about period underwear and reusable period products in general whenever i've brought up the topic in the last year or so but i mean it sincerely. i have never spent my money on a product that just simply improved my life so much. game-changing isn't even the beginning of it. i look forward to how much better my periods are now since i no longer have to depend on gross disposables. period underwear is the shit

[honeyhan-123]

Say Thank You XV

Series Summary: Nearly five years have passed since Steve Rogers saves your life without so much as a thank you. When he sees you again by chance, he makes sure that he’ll never let you go and maybe teach you some manners in the process.

Series Warning: This will be a dark!Steve fic with stalking, kidnapping and manipulating as well as non-con and dub-con situations. Please don’t read it if you don’t like that sort of thing.

Chapter Warnings: Smut, angst, major character death, me being a lil’ bitch. 

Word Count: 8.0k (yikes)

AN: So sorry about the delay but there was so much I wanted to include in this chapter and we’re here finally. 

I. New York ~ II. Madrid ~ III. The Apartment ~ IV. The Trip ~ V. The Basement ~ VI. The First Lesson ~ VII. The Waiting Game ~ VIII. The First Attempt ~ IX. The Darkness ~ X. The Truth ~ XI. The Syndrome XII. The Meeting ~ XIII. The Mission ~ XIV. The Reunion

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

XV. The Battle

Your thighs ached as Steve helped you dress in one of his t-shirts. It swallowed you just like the rest of his clothing did but you didn’t mind. His scent was heavy on the shirt and it gave you an odd sense of being home. The cotton white towel that had been wrapped around his waist as you dressed fell to the floor, piling in a heap. 

You watched the firm muscles of his back shift, rippling under his skin as he moved, bending over to pick up his discarded suit. You admired the sight of his glorious firm backside as he dressed and even when he was done, you still marvelled at him. 

The suit had changed a lot since when you had last seen it during the battle of New York. You had always thought he looked a little like he had just come straight from a comic book but the way the dark material clung to his form had your cunt clenching in need. Gone was the bright royal blue with the blinding red and white stripes, in their place was a much darker look, definitely more fitting for the man before you now. 

His lips brushed against yours softly, his arms wrapping you in a warm embrace. You buried your head into his chest, nuzzling against the material. ‘Steve?’ Your voice was meek against his chest, timid in the sparse room. 

‘Yes Sweetheart?’ He tried to coax you, urging you to confide in him. 

‘I’m scared.’

‘I know you are Sweetheart. But it’s going to be okay, we’re going to be okay.’ Steve felt awful for lying to you, in truth he had no idea what was going to happen. But he did know that he would do whatever it takes to keep you safe. No matter what. 

‘C’mon Sweetheart, the others are waiting and we need to get to Wakanda as soon as possible.’ He held your hand as he tried to lead you from the room but your feet were locked in place. Both he and Bucky had mentioned the African country but you didn’t quite understand why. 

‘Wakanda? Why are we going there?’

‘Bucky told you about the Infinity Stones right?’ You nodded your head, slightly confused as to how it all connected together. ‘The Vision has one of them implanted into his mind and so to get it out we need somewhere with a top tier science lab and I know just the scientist to help us.’ You nodded again, thankful that he had actually spoken to you unlike when he had just left for that mission. And yet, you couldn’t get out of your head how you had had to prompt him to share information. It shouldn’t be like that, not really. He should willingly offer it, he should want you to be a part of his life. Just like Bucky had when he had calmed you down, telling you all about the mission that Steve was on. The one he had spoken about so vaguely… 

You squeezed your eyes shut, as though you could squeeze those thoughts out of your brain. You didn’t want them there, especially when you had Steve standing right in front of you, his warmth seeming to seep through his hand to yours, warming your entire body. 

This time, you allowed him to pull you from the room, leading you through various different hallways until he reached a hangar. ‘So glad you could finally join us Captain.’ You heard the sarcastic call emanate from somewhere inside the jet and you knew the voice belonged to Rhodey. Your cheeks heated as you approached the rest of the team, Rhodey had clearly realised why Steve had taken so long to fetch you and so the others probably had as well. 

Bucky smiled thinly over at you as he arrived, his small black gobag draped over his shoulder. ‘Hey Buck, I just wanted to say thank you for looking after my girl.’ Something flashed too quickly for you to register in Bucky’s eyes at Steve’s words. 

‘Yeah sure anytime pal.’ His eyes briefly flickered over to you before returning to Steve’s as he was pulled in for a hug. Bucky forced a smile once more before hastily turning on his heel and heading towards the jet. You didn’t have long to wonder at Bucky’s strange behaviour before someone else approached. 

‘Ahh, so this is why you were so impatient to get home.’ You could clearly hear the teasing in the infamous Black Widow’s voice as she approached, extending her hand to clasp yours. ‘I’m Natasha.’ You smiled thinly, nerves eating you up as you gave her your name. 

The next person to offer you their hand was Sam and he definitely made you feel far more at ease than the super spy had. His smile was bright and genuine as he took your hand, asking Steve teasingly where he had been hiding you away. Oh if only he knew.

As Steve tactfully evaded Sam’s teasing, your eyes flitted over the jet, watching as the rest of the team readied themselves. You felt Steve’s arm wrap around you as he tried to bring you into the conversation. You withheld your sigh but nestled in against Steve’s side, enjoying the warmth that emanated from him. Thankfully his conversation with Sam was cut short by two others arriving. They introduced themselves as Wanda and Vision and before you knew it, Sam had the hangar doors open and the jet in the air. 

+

The flight was silent for the most part, your hand in Steve’s as he ignored the quizzical looks the others sent the two of you. While he had given them a simple explanation, calling you his girlfriend, he skirted the other questions fired at him. Everyone seemed to drop it except one. It sent shivers down your spine, the way her piercing green eyes roved over you, seemingly searching through your soul. 

You knew that Steve had been on a mission when he had found you again in Madrid and you wondered if she had been there too, at least that would explain why she had so many questions and struggled to accept your relationship. There was another possible reason but you didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to have to deal with the self doubt and insecurity it brought with it. 

As your stomach churned with thoughts of Natasha’s bright green eyes, you felt another pair on you, searching through you. Your eyes flickered over to Bucky and where he sat, opposite you and Steve in the body of the jet. Melancholy seemed to radiate off of him as his gaze was transfixed on your entwined hands. 

If Steve noticed his best friend's demeanor he didn’t say or do anything. Instead, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and brought you into his warm embrace, resting your back against his firm chest. It was warm and familiar, bringing a soft smile to your face. ‘You should try and get some sleep Sweetheart. It’s going to be a long flight.’ You hummed up at him, your eyes drifting closed. The even expansion and contraction of his chest mixed with the soft thump of his heart lulled you to sleep. 

+

When you awoke a chill had settled over you. Steve was no longer holding onto you and as your eyes drifted open you saw him leaning over Sam’s chair, staring fixedly out the windshield. He muttered something about co-ordinates that you didn’t quite catch and you felt a jolt as the jet dipped down until it was almost in line with the trees. 

‘I hope you’re right about this or we’re going to land a lot faster than you want to.’ You locked eyes with Bucky in a mild panic as you heard Sam’s words. The jet continued to sink lower and Bucky crossed the jet, coming to sit next to you. 

‘We’ll be fine. Steve knows what he’s doing; he’s done this before.’ He murmured the words to you, his hand coming up to slowly rub your back, soothing you. 

You barely had a chance to nod before you felt a jolt through the jet and your eyes squeezed shut, certain that you were about to die. Yet, no pain came. No screaming or wailing as the jet crashed into the trees. ‘Doll, you can open your eyes now. It’s okay.’ Slowly, you allowed Bucky to coax you into opening your eyes, you jaw dropping slightly as you did so.

Wakanda was unlike any other place you had ever seen before. Where there once was acres of unruly trees, now stood a gleaming city. Sure, you had read about it in the news and Steve had told you a little bit about it but his words had not done the place justice. You stared in awe as the jet flew over a large body of water before coming to hover over a landing pad, the bay doors slowly opening. 

Steve turned away from the cockpit, surprised to see you so close behind him but he smiled, taking your hand as he led you from the ship. ‘Wakanda really is something huh?’ All you could do was nod in awe, your eyes struggling to adjust to the bright sunlight outside. 

You noted the procession waiting to greet you, T’Challa in front with a hoard of women clad in red, holding sharp spears. You followed a half-step behind Steve as he approached the Wakandan King, holding out his hand. ‘Seems like I’m always thanking you for something.’ The king smiled and as they shook hands. 

‘And who might this be?’ His gaze turned curious as he locked eyes with you, practically hiding behind Steve’s immense frame. 

Steve introduced you and you gently took the hand extended by the King, warming up to the man as he smiled genuinely down at you. ‘I was wondering if she could stay, perhaps with Shuri while she worked?’

‘Of course Captain. Any friend of yours is a friend of Wakanda.’ Steve smiled at that, making way for the others to greet T’Challa. 

‘Ahh, the White Wolf. How have you been?’ You were slightly confused by the greeting he gave to Bucky but the other man merely shrugged. 

‘Could be better and I wish I was returning on better circumstances.’ The two men nodded gravely before the king’s attention was drawn to Bruce as he stepped forward, bending into a slight bow. You watched as Rhodey tried to hold in his laughter as T’Challa awkwardly informed Bruce, whose cheeks had a definite pink tinge,  that that wasn't a part of their custom. 

You couldn’t hold back your smile as you watched the display but it was soon lost as they started discussing strategy. Although you knew little of what to expect, it sounded like they were planning for a full on invasion of enemy forces. A chill went down your spine as you remembered the last time aliens had invaded Earth. If it weren’t for Steve’s arm wrapped around your waist as T’Challa led you through the halls of his palace, you weren’t sure if you could have handled the fear that thought brought with it. 

You had well and truly lost track of all the turns and twists you had taken as T’Challa pushed open a large set of double doors, revealing what even you could tell was a state of the art lab. Inside you could see a girl, a woman really, she only looked a few years younger than you, working on something but quickly her attention was snatched by your group. 

Your attention waned as she and Bruce spoke about the Vision and how they should properly disconnect him from the stone. The science terms they rattled off with ease floated over your head and looking around at the others it didn’t seem like you were the only one slightly lost. 

‘T’Challa, I don’t suppose you have some spare bedrooms we could use? According to our calculations they should be arriving tomorrow - probably in the morning sometime.’ 

‘Of course Captain. I’ll have some people escort you to our guest wing while these two work.’ Steve smiled in thanks and started leading you from the room, the rest of the team following suit except for Wanda, choosing to stay by Vision’s side. 

‘Do you think Bruce and Shuri will get it done before they arrive?’ Sam’s melodic voice broke the silence as you walked. 

‘We can only hope they do. Otherwise I don’t know what we’re going to do.’ Steve’s thumb rubbed circles on yours, his nerves very apparent as the group fell back into a silence. 

Eventually you ascended to what was obviously the guest wing T’Challa had mentioned and Steve led you to the first room he could find. ‘Why don’t you go and settle in Sweetheart? I’ll be right back. I just want to talk to Bucky real quick first.’ You nodded and reached up to give him a short peck before heading inside, wondering what could be so desperate.

+

Steve’s knuckles rapped on the thick wood as he stood in the hallway, his gaze longingly fixated on the door which you had just disappeared behind. No matter how badly he wanted to be with you right now, he knew he had to talk to Bucky first. Something was clearly on his mind, he had been off ever since Steve had returned from the mission. 

He heard a soft voice call for him to enter so he pushed the door open slowly and peered around. At first it didn’t seem like Bucky was there and just as Steve was about to turn around, he noticed the open balcony door, allowing the cool night air in. 

Bucky was leaning on the rail, his gaze fixated on the Wakandan skyline but Steve knew he sensed him, standing in the doorway. ‘Hey Buck.’

‘What do you need?’ It had been a while since Steve had seen this side of Bucky, the strange detachment. 

‘No Buck. What do you need? You’ve been acting off ever since I got back from Scotland. What’s going on with you?’ Steve heard a long sigh, Bucky’s gaze refusing to move away from the city.

‘It’s nothing Steve. I’m fine, just stressed about tomorrow.’

‘That’s bullshit and we both know it. Is it…’ Steve broke off, not quite sure if he wanted the answer to his question. ‘I know I haven’t been spending much time with any of the team and especially you recently and I’m sorry about that. But I feel like my girl and I are finally in a really good place right now and now that she’s met the rest of the team, things will change. I promise we’ll both be around more.’ At his words Steve noticed the almost undetectable tense of Bucky’s body. ‘I thought… I thought you liked her?  Did something happen?’ 

Bucky cursed at how easily his best friend could read him, forcing his best fake smile. ‘No, nothing happened, she just missed you, a lot. She’s a real dame.’

‘Buck…’

‘Steve, everything’s fine. Just go be with your girl, we all need to get some sleep.’ After a terse silence, Steve finally receded, bidding Bucky a goodnight as he left the balcony, heading back to you. The city lights reflected in Bucky’s eyes, the feeling of disgust that Steve’s visit had only intensified churning around in his stomach. How could he tell his best friend that he was acting weird because he was jealous?

+

You didn’t hear the door open when Steve returned but you felt the dip in the bed as he pressed his body against yours, his arm wrapping around you and his face nuzzling into your neck. His lips brushed feather light along the skin sending shivers down your back. 

‘What were you doing?’ All thoughts of sleep were thrown out the window as he pressed even closer to you, hot and hard underneath the silken sheets. 

‘Just talking to Bucky.’ Steve breathed against your shoulder blade, his hand pushing his shirt up above your legs.

‘How is he?’ Your response was immediate, concern for the man you barely knew taking over. 

Steve’s hand stilled between your legs, trying to talk himself out of asking the question forming in his mind, but both you and Bucky had been acting weird. The need to know won. ‘He’s okay. Did something happen while I was gone?’ He didn’t need you to respond, feeling your body tense against his was enough of an answer for him. 

He pulled away, his hand that had been wrapped around you pulling your body with his, forcing you to face him. ‘What happened?’ 

The man staring back at you was a stark contrast of the one that had crawled into your bed five minutes ago. His azure eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched as his mind raced, already suspecting the worst. 

‘Nothing really. I just - I just missed you. So much, you have no idea. And then I couldn’t sleep, I had one of my nightmares and Bucky was there. He woke me up and brought me back and he was so warm. I-’ You cut yourself off, not sure if you really wanted to finish that sentence but you knew it would sound better coming from you instead of Bucky. 

‘You what?’ Steve’s grip in you tightened, his fingernails digging into your tender muscles. 

‘I asked him to stay with me.’ You admitted, you voice small as it came out. 

‘And then what?’ 

‘And then nothing. He held me and I fell asleep. He just - it just made me feel like you were still with me.’ You hand reached up, cupping his cheek as you tried to explain why you had done it. ‘He’s just warm and big like you and I was scared and you had left me alone. I didn’t know where you were or what you were doing.’ After a long pause, Steve gave a miniscule nod, his jaw still clenched but his eyes no longer narrowed into slits. 

‘I understand. As long as that’s all that happened?’ 

‘Of course Stevie I -’ You cut yourself off from saying that. No matter what that stupid muscle in your chest told you, you weren’t quite ready to say it to him yet. ‘Nothing else happened. The next morning  he got your call and then we went to the compound. We’d barely been back before you joined me in the shower.’ You hoped the reminder of your shower escapades was enough to put him back in a good mood. You had no idea what was going to happen tomorrow and you didn’t want to spend this last night together arguing, yet… you did want some answers. 

‘But while we’re being honest with each other…’ Your hand trailed down his chest, drawing indecipherable patterns, your eyebrows furrowed as you thought over your words. 

‘What Sweetheart? What do you want to know?’ 

‘At the compound… before the shower, I kind of maybe went snooping through your stuff and I-’

‘You found my sketchbook.’ 

‘Yeah. There were a lot of drawings of me but… we only really met after the Accords… after you had moved out of the compound.’ You didn’t know much about Steve’s life post the Accords and before you but you knew he would have moved out of the compound. 

‘Well… I mean, we actually met in New York during the battle there, nearly six years ago now. Do you remember that?’

‘Of course I do. You saved my life.’

‘Yeah I did. I remember it so vividly, fending off those Chitauri and then finding you, lying trapped under that car. Even in the heat of battle I knew you were beautiful, a proper dame. But then when I had to leave and you didn’t even say thank you… I don’t know. It just reminded me of all those other women Bucky had tried to get me to date but they had never paid any attention to me, just like you and it got to me.’ Your heart broke for him as he re-lived the neglect he had felt for all those years. 

‘You haunted my dreams and everytime I stared at a blank piece of paper, the only thing I wanted to draw was you. I became increasingly obsessed with you, with finding you and teaching you some manners. And then I did... but somewhere along the way it became more than that. I fell in love with you and I know that this wasn’t exactly the best way to start the rest of our lives together but I can’t change the past. I can only hope that you find it in you to forgive me. I love you Sweetheart, so much. You have no idea how it would destroy me if anything ever happened to you.’ 

Your breath hitched as he said those three words, the same ones that had been bouncing around in your chest for the past few days. An achingly long silence stretched as you considered what to say in response. 

‘You don’t have to say it back. I know it’s a lot to process and if… if you don’t think that you could ever love me back or forgive me… well we could, I mean, you could… you could leave.’ Steve didn’t know how on earth he managed to choke the words out. He could feel tears threatening to pool in his eyes at the mere thought of you leaving. He knew there was nothing he wanted more than a future with you and if you left it would kill him, but he also knew that he couldn’t force you into the future he wanted. He wanted the big wedding, the kids, the growing old together. He wanted it all and try as he might, he couldn’t force you to want it with him. He didn’t want to build this life with you only to have you resent him every day for the rest of your lives. 

Your head spun, whiplash at his emotions confused you as he peered at you, his eyes reflecting just how vulnerable he was right now. He had gone from not-so-borderline jealous about Bucky to confessing his love to offering you a way out. Did you want a way out?

‘Steve… I-I can’t say those words back to. I’m sorry. I wish I could but I’m just not ready.’ The way the small bundle of hope in his eyes seemed to die tore at your heart strings. ‘That doesn’t mean I don’t want to though. What you did was wrong and so incredibly fucked up and if we’re going to continue, we need to have a serious conversation about our expectations for where we go from here and now just isn’t the time for it. Maybe after all this is over we can have that chat?’

‘Of course. Anything you want. I think that sounds like a good idea.’ Steve would agree to anything if it meant you would choose to stay with him. He was determined to fix this mess he had made. ‘I know you said you can’t say it but I really do love you.’ 

You smiled at his words, the pure emotion shining through as he spoke. ‘I know.’ You smiled as you leaned up, your lips pressing against his. It was slow and soft even after you had crawled on top of him, your thighs spread out on either side of his impressive chest. You drank each other in, your bodies slowly coming to life as you rocked against him, feeling him grow once more. 

His hands drifted up, bunching his t-shirt up above your waist and then swiftly pulling it over your head and throwing it into some corner of the room, far, far away. Just like always Steve was mesmerized by you. With the moonlight drifting in and dancing along your skin you looked like a true goddess and Steve couldn’t believe that he even had a chance with you. 

His hands gripped your ass, moving you against him slightly harder as your tongues seemed to merge. All he could sense was you. Your taste, your smell, your body against his. You were his whole world. 

Gently, he rolled over, switching places with you, leaning on his elbows above you. He gently pushed some hair off of your face and out of the way, his eyes boring lovingly into yours before diving back in. One hand snaked its way down, underneath the band of your panties. He cupped you there. His fingers coating themselves with the slick pooling there before slowly inserting themselves into you, one at a time. 

The fire was slowly igniting in your belly as he curled his fingers this way and that, stroking you right there, bringing you to life. His lips brushed over your skin, making their way down your neck and over your breasts. Your fingers curled in his hair, burying themselves in his locks. Your back arched up, pushing your chest further into his mouth and he rolled your nipple between his teeth. 

‘Steve,’ You were breathless already, his name barely falling from your lips in a plea for more. And Steve gave you more. 

His thumb pressed down on your clit as he continued to thrust his fingers into you and with his mouth dancing over your skin, you couldn’t hold back. You pulled his face back up to yours, forcing your lips against his as you came, gushing over his hand. His mouth swallowed your moans, drinking them in until you couldn’t even think any more. 

You felt his tip brush against your pulsating clit, circling it a few times before inching its way down to your entrance. Steve’s eyes were locked on yours as he gently pushed in, pausing every few centimeters, relishing in the way your walls squeezed him so tightly. When he had finally made his entire way in, he couldn’t help but groan. It felt so right. Being here with you, knowing that he had a chance at a real future. Even though the world could end tomorrow, Steve couldn’t find it in himself to care. This moment was perfect. 

Eventually he started rocking his hips, your own moving with his, meeting him halfway. He cradled your head in his hands, his lips meeting yours once more, needing that feeling of connection. 

He could feel your fingernails digging into his back, your hands sliding in the sweat forming. His thrusts grew in speed and force. He was sure to angle his hips, making his length brush against you there.  You were so warm and wet, your velvet walls squeezing him so tightly. He could feel your slick dripping down, spilling all over him and coating your skin. 

Steve breathed in your air and one hand disappeared down to where your bodies were connected. He rubbed his fingers over your clit, playing with the small bundle of nerves. The ever-tightening coil in his gut told him he didn’t have long to make you cum. 

‘Sweetheart… baby please. Cum for me, cum on my cock.’ His voice was deep, a long groan against your lips as he pleaded. ‘I love it when you cum with me Sweetheart. You take my cock so fuckin’ well and my cum… god you have no idea how hard I get knowing it’s inside you.’ 

The pleasure was growing too much, the feeling of your walls clenching around him told Steve that you were close too. With a final circle of your clit, Steve felt you come undone underneath him. Your muscles tensing as you screamed into his mouth. He felt your hands slide down his back, gripping his ass as he came, your walls squeezing him like a vice. He thrusted once, twice, three times into you before stilling. 

He pulled back slightly, pride taking over at the fucked out expression on your face. In the heat of things some hair had clung to the sweat coating your face so he gently brushed it back out of the way. ‘I love you.’ It was soft and he didn’t wait for a response, pecking your lips once more before pulling out and rolling onto his back, dragging your body with his. 

His arms wrapped around you, his hands over your stomach. When he felt you try to stir in his arms he just pulled them tighter, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. Even though you hadn’t opened your mouth yet, he knew you wanted to discuss tomorrow. ‘Shhh, Sweetheart. Don’t worry about tomorrow, just sleep. I’ll protect you, now and always.’ He felt you nod against his chest, your lips breaking into a smile as you got comfortable. 

He himself eventually drifted off, a smile on his face as he thought about the future you were going to share. 

+

‘My King.’ The same woman you had met yesterday entered the hall. Her golden armour gleaned from the sunlight spilling in from outside. 

‘What is it Okoye?’ T’Challa asked, even though everyone sitting at the breakfast table knew what she was about to say. 

‘They’ve entered the atmosphere. We have maybe twenty minutes until they arrive.’ A sombre mood fell over the group, leaving their meals half eaten as they departed the hall. You followed along after Steve, his hand gripping yours tightly, a firm scowl on his face as he thought. While the others turned to head downstairs towards the armoury, Steve led you upstairs, towards Shuri’s lab. 

He knocked on the door before entering. The room was just as it had been yesterday, Shuri frantically working over Vision as Wanda watched over nervously. Both women barely spared you and Steve a glance as you entered. 

‘Shuri, how long will it be?’ 

‘I’m working as quickly as I can. Do you know how many neurons there are in the brain?’ The princess sassed back, but Steve paid her attitude no mind. 

‘How long?’ 

‘Another hour or two but I would be working much quicker if I didn’t have you distracting me.’ Hey eyes raised up, looking Steve square in the face. He nodded and turned back to you. 

‘Everything’s going to be okay Sweetheart. You’re going to be fine. But just in case something happens, I want you to have this.’ He handed you the gun that had been strapped to his thigh. 

‘Steve? What? I can’t - I don’t know how to use one.’ 

‘And you won’t have to use it but I need to know that if in the rare case something happens you can protect yourself. I won’t be able to focus out on the field if I know you might be in danger.’ You nodded, hesitantly taking the gun from his hands. It was heavier than you had expected although you had definitely never seen this coming. 

‘This is the safety. It’s on right now but at the first sign of trouble, you flick that switch and then you point and shoot. Never ever point it at something you don’t intend on shooting. Do you understand?’ You nodded, a chill settling over you. 

‘Okay, Sweetheart I love you. You’re going to be fine.’ You could barely stand still, your body threatening to collapse as fear plagued you but you managed a nod. His arms wrapped around you, his warmth and his scent were comforting. His lips even more so as he kissed you lovingly. He had to leave all too soon, a silent conversation with Wanda as she promised to look after you and one last glance as you before he was out the door, heading down to the armoury. 

+

Steve’s nerves jittered inside of him. It was that weird sense of calm and stress that he always felt before a big mission or battle. It gave him an odd sense of comfort. He was as prepared for this as he would ever be and while he would’ve preferred if you were somewhere far away, he knew Shuri and Wanda would help protect you. Not that anything would happen. 

He stepped forward, walking with Nat and T’Challa to where he could see his pals from the train station the other night. 

‘Where’s your other friend?’ He heard Natasha tease and he wanted to shake his head. Now was not the time to provoke these guys. 

‘You will pay for his life with yours.’ The one with blue hair promised, a glint in her eye. ‘Thanos will have that stone.’ 

Steve's jaw clenched, his resolution staying fim. ‘That’s not going to happen.’

‘You are in Wakanda now. Thanos will have nothing but dust and blood.’ T’Challa chimed in, determined to protect his country. 

A smirk came over her face as the king spoke and Steve didn’t like the smugness that radiated off of her. ‘We have blood to spare.’ With a grunt she lifted her sword skyward and the half a dozen ships opened their doors. 

Quickly Steve and the others backed away to where the troops stood in formation, getting ready to fight.

‘They surrender?’ Bucky’s low timber sounded in Steve’s ear and for a moment he was taken back to the forties, to the last time they fought together on that train. 

‘Not exactly.’ 

The crowd watched on in silence as the dog-like aliens galloped through the treeline, out onto the field, not stopping even after the first wave had been decimated by the protective barrier. 

‘They’re killing themselves.’ Okoye muttered under her breath, unable to tear her eyes away from the scene in front of her. Steve couldn’t help but agree. He too couldn’t take his eyes off of the animals hurling themselves at the barrier despite how gruesome it was. 

The few that managed to make it through the barrier were easily disposed of. The Wakandan soldiers fired from their spears and Sam and Rhodey flew overhead, dropping various grenades on them. The roar of Bucky’s machine gun rang in Steve’s ear.

Steve watched as the animals seemed to diverge, splitting off around the edge of the barrier, making to circle the city. His fears were confirmed by Bruce in his comms. ‘Cap, if these things circle the perimeter and get in behind us, there’s nothing between them and Vision.’ Between them and his girl Steve added in his mind. 

‘Then we better keep them in front of us.’

‘How do we do that?’

‘We open the barrier.’ Steve and T’Challa shared a look as the other man called the princess.

+

Steve’s  blood pounded, his heart thumped wildly in his chest. His sweat made his hair cling to his forehead. They were easily outnumbered but what made the battle so difficult was the clear lack of fear shown by the animals. No matter how many Steve killed, more kept coming at him, unafraid of what they had seen him just do.

While he liked the shields that T’Challa had given him, he wasn’t quite used to them. It was times like these when Steve really missed his shield. It would have been useful now, being able to throw it around instead of using purely just hand to hand skills. Although, the sharp edges of the Wakandan ones were handy for stabbing. 

Steve felt himself airborne, a large something crashing into him before he was pounded into the ground, two of the aliens on top of him. Hastily he kicked out, swinging his arms wildly, chopping off limbs as he fought to get them off.  However, when they finally collapsed next to him, he barely had a chance to regain his senses before five more were in their place. 

He struggled to breathe, an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia flowing through him but he knew he couldn’t afford to panic. 

Through the sea of bodies surrounding him, Steve could make out a great flash of colour and he was momentarily blinded by the light before he felt a sudden lightness. The mutts that had been on top of him all lay in pieces at his sides despite him doing nothing. Sitting up confusedly, he glanced around, thanking whoever was out there when he saw a familiar Norse god. 

He hastily stood up, rejoining the battle as he slowly made his way across the field to where Thor fought alongside what looked like a tree and a machine gun yielding racoon. 

‘New haircut?’ Steve called over the battle. 

‘I noticed you’ve copied my beard.’ Steve smiled, nodding slightly. He had missed these mid-fight chats. He watched in amazement as the tree reached out, his arm forcing its way through half a dozen mutts. ‘Oh by the way this is a friend of mine, a tree.’ 

‘I am Groot.’ In all his time Steve had seen a lot of weird things but a moving and talking tree probably had to make the top ten list. 

‘I am Steve Rogers.’ He felt it only polite to introduce himself to the tree before getting back to the heat of the battle. 

+

Your gut twisted and clenched, your anxiety was through the roof as you watched the scene unfold from the lab. Wanda had tried to help, to keep you distracted but she herself was clearly worried about those that she called her family. When the rainbow tunnel had come down from the sky, you had worried that it was more alien ships but Wanda had just smiled. ‘It’s Thor. He’s here to help.’ 

You had heard of the god of thunder before and it did definitely help your nerves knowing that Steve had a god on his side now, but still… there were a lot of enemies. 

The ground seemed to shake beneath you, Shuri’s instruments rattling on shelves as you glanced around confusedly. ‘What was that?’ 

‘Oh no… look.’ Wanda pointed out the window, where you could see the treeline slowly disappearing. The ground visibly shaking even from this distance.

‘What is it?’ 

‘I’m not sure… it looks like -’ Wanda’s voice cut off when the ground erupts. Long drill-like structures spring up in the middle of the field and what little relief Thor’s arrival had caused vanishes. You race over to where Shuri stands arranging Vision’s nerves away from the golden stone in the holograph. 

‘How much longer Shuri?’ 

‘I-I’m not sure. It’s complicated.’

‘We don’t have much longer!’ Your voice is shrill, panic flowing freely through you as you thought of Steve fighting down there with the hoards of animals. 

You turn back to the window, needing Wanda to calm you down but she’s no longer standing staring out at the field. Instead you see a glowing red cloud swirl around her as she flies down to join the battle. 

Your heart sinks as you watch her go but you couldn’t blame her. Even though you knew absolutely nothing about fighting you would do anything to be down there with Steve. Not knowing whether he was okay was killing you. 

The clang of metal drew you from your worries as you whipped around. You had no idea how he had gotten there but standing in the doorway was a pale blue giant of a man. You watched as the member of the Dora Milaje that had been stationed with the princess charged the giant but she barely stood a chance. Her body was tossed away within an instant, landing near your feet. 

Your heart started racing, pounding wildly in your chest and your palms were sweaty but you dashed towards the table where you had placed Steve’s gun. Your hand trembled as you switched the safety off just like he had shown you that morning. You watched as Shuri fired her own weapon before slowly raising the cool metal and pointing it at the giant’s chest. 

You took an even breath before firing. The recoil was enough to force you a few steps back but you had his attention now and you couldn't afford to waste anytime. You fired again and again until pulling the trigger did nothing, your clip empty.

Your back was pressed against the table, you had nowhere to run and no way to fight off this giant. Your death was imminent, this was going to be the end and Steve… Steve would never know that you loved him. 

Your eyes squeezed tight as you forced yourself to imagine Steve, of how he had looked last night, his voice whispering that he loved you into your ear. If you were going to die you wanted your last memory to be a happy one. 

A soft whoosh flew past your head before you heard a tremendous crash and the sound of broken glass. Your eyes peaked open just in time to see Vision as he hurled out the broken window after the giant, fighting as they fell down to the field. 

Relief like none other that you had ever felt flowed through and you made a silent promise that you would tell Steve how you felt if you both made it out of here alive. 

+

Steve’s heart sank when a whisper of red flew past him. Wanda was on the field. He had told her not to leave Vision’s side until the stone was destroyed. She had promised him that she would protect his girl. With the way things were going, Steve worried that his girl would have to end up using the gun he had given her. He just hoped she was a natural shot. 

His heart sank again when Sam’s voice called out through his comms. ‘Guys, we’ve got a Vision problem.’ Steve ran through the battle, trying desperately to get to the trees where he had seen Vision land. 

The trees blurred as he rushed past them and he felt sure his blood pressure was at an all time high. They couldn’t afford to fail now. He couldn’t afford to fail, not when he was just on the verge of getting everything he had ever wanted. 

He watched as Vision got stabbed through the chest, his form flickering as it glitched and Steve forced himself to run faster. He tackled the one that had stabbed Vision, calling out as he pushed himself off the ground. ‘Get out of here!’ He ducked a swing from the man, throwing one of his own back. ‘Go!’ He yelled at Vision when he saw that he had not moved from the tree he was leaning on. 

His brief glance back had cost him as suddenly Steve felt himself airborne, his body crashing into a tree log before falling back to the ground. Before he had time to recover the alien was on top of him, it’s hands wrapped around his throat in a vice like grip. His arms were pinned and he struggled to escape, he struggled to breathe. 

Black spots started to dance along his vision and Steve could feel his energy fade. He knew he had gotten out alive from far worse situations but lying here in the middle of a Wakandan forest, he feared this time he wouldn’t be so lucky. As his vision faded to black, it was your face he saw behind his closed lids. It was from last night when you had looked so serene, so much like a goddess sitting on top of him. With his last few dregs of remaining strength he forced himself to continue fighting, for his future, for you. 

Suddenly he could breathe again, the creature that had been pinning him down now seemed to be floating but as his vision cleared, Steve realised it was Vision. He had stabbed the creature and tossed its body away. Vision staggered where he stood and Steve hastily got to his feet, slinging an arm around his teammate. 

‘I thought I told you to go.’ His voice was hoarse and his throat stung as he spoke.

‘We don’t trade lives Captain.’ Steve smiled briefly before he noticed the odd sense of calm that had settled over the forest. 

‘Guys, we have incoming.’ Steve didn’t have to be able to see anything to know that something big was coming. He could just sense it in his gut. 

Thankfully most of the team was around him, preparing to fight with him when they saw the big cloud of grey smoke. Blue sparks crackled as the cloud grew larger and larger until a vague man shaped silhouette stood out against the grey. 

‘That’s him’ Steve didn’t need Bruce’s voice in his ear to confirm his suspicions. This was Thanos. 

‘Eyes up, stay sharp.’ It wasn’t much of a pep talk but it was the best he could offer right now and following Bruce’s lead, he charged the purple giant. Steve watched in horror as Thanos easily lifted the hulk iron man suit over his head, throwing it against the rocks where it seemed to be swallowed by the limestone. 

He barely got within two meters of Thanos before he felt his body being lifted and thrown away, hitting his head as he landed. He watched as Sam landed nearby, his wings out of commission and as Natasha was trapped seemingly by the ground. 

A glare of red in his peripheries told him that their efforts had been in vain. They were out of time and the stone had to be destroyed now. Groggily, he got back to his feet, racing to where Thanos was making his way towards Wanda. He had to stop him.

He ducked this way and that as Thanos threw punches and surprisingly managed to land a few of his own. He had realised that Thanos’ power seemed to come from the gauntlet he wore and so at his first chance, Steve grabbed the golden glove. He had to use two hands to keep his fist from closing and a yell escaped his lips from the strain. He knew he couldn’t hold him off forever but he had to at least try to give Wanda enough time. 

Suddenly his body was jolted forward as Thanos pulled his arm back, his other landing a clean blow to the side of Steve’s head. The last thing he saw was Thanos moving determinedly towards Wanda and Vision before the world went black. 

+

When he awoke he saw Thor standing before Thanos, his axe buried deep in his chest before a cloud of smoke engulfed his giant body and he vanished. 

‘Where’d he go?’ Steve’s eyes darted around the forest, half expecting the purple giant to come out from behind one of the trees. ‘Thor?’ His breaths were coming heavy and his head pounded. He was sure a couple of his ribs were broken but there were more pressing issues. ‘Where’d he go?!’ Still, he got no response from the god, his eyes staring distantly at where his axe lay on the ground. 

‘Steve?’ He barely had a chance to register what he was seeing before it was over. Bucky was walking towards him, his body fading to dust before finally disappearing, his gun clattering to the ground. 

‘Bucky?’ He rushed to where his best friend had been and where there was now just a pile of dust. His finger ran through the dust, his eyes looking back up at Thor, the realisation that they had failed finally starting to sink in. 

‘We lost. He did it.’ Steve’s legs seemed to give out from under him, his whole body was trembling. Bucky… he had just gotten him back and now he was gone again. It wasn’t fair, it couldn’t be happening. 

He distantly heard the voices of his team over the comms as they scrambled to figure out who was still alive. It was only when Okoye pointed out that she hadn’t heard from Shuri that Steve’s head snapped up. 

Before he could even blink he was back on his feet, the forest rushing past him as he raced to the palace. Nothing seemed to matter as he ran, not his pounding headache or the cut in his side that was seeping with blood. Nothing mattered but you. He couldn’t lose you too. Not now, not ever. 

+

Please don’t hate me 

Tags will be added in a reblog

XVI. The Endgame

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

[losingitinjersey]

Ten days in and I’m officially in love.  Erp’s (extremely detailed) birth story coming atcha below.

Friday morning I woke up after having taken my first half dose of Unisome so I got the perfect night sleep with minimal grogginess in the morning.  Despite the good night sleep I felt off when I woke up.  Had some loose stools and slight nausea which was weird for me.  It made me take my time getting ready.  

I got the pleasure of seeing Kevin in the morning because he was going in for his surgery rotation exam so he had a later start time than his recent 4am mornings.  At 8:15 a.m. I was putting on a compression sock and the next thing I know I feel myself peeing/leaking on the fresh pad I just put on.  This was unexpected since I literally had just gone to the bathroom and this was too much wetness for a normal bladder leak, especially since I didn’t cough/sneeze/laugh to cause it.  Then some cramping started and I immediately started sobbing at the realization of what this meant and got myself to the bathroom immediately.  (all while wearing still just half of one compression sock)

I had been texting with my sister that morning (since she’s the only other person awake on the east coast that I text with prior to 8a.m.), told her earlier that I felt weird so she was the first person I texted that I think my water had broken.  She told me to call her immediately and she calmed me down and was so happy/excited for me.  She said she’d handle calling my mom (who it was 5a.m. for in California) and told me to call the OB’s office.  Mind you, Kevin is now 15 minutes into his exam and when he left that morning he said, “this will all be over in 6 hours” so I’m going into this thinking he’d be completely unreachable until 2 p.m.  I text my mother-in-law, as I’m waiting for a call back from the OB, to keep her updated and she immediately calls me and tells me to call an ambulance or get an Uber and to get to the hospital asap.  The fact that my pain was coming from my vagina and not lower back or abdomen had her worried and she wanted me checked out right away.

Even though I was in pain, and it was increasing, I didn’t think an ambulance was necessary so I texted my next door neighbor to see if she could drive me but she wasn’t responding.  Katie, my other neighbor, was in Jamaica so she wasn’t an option.  In the meantime, the OB office calls back, I describe what’s happening and she confirms that yes, I need to go to the hospital and she will meet me there.  Thankfully, the woman that’s on call is my favorite person out of the entire office of 15 providers, so I’m happy it’s her (Nell, a midwife).  Shortly after I hang up I order a Lyft and they were en route before I started getting myself dressed.  As we had planned to do all of our last minute prep work this weekend since Kevin would finally be done with his intense surgery rotation, we didn’t have a hospital bag packed.  I put on the only clothes that were clean(ish), comfy, and nearby, along with some slippers and took one last belly bump pic before locking up my house, saying goodbye to my cat (who was thoroughly freaked out due to my cries of pain), and waddling to the Lyft parked outside my house.  

I tried to act cool in the car not wanting the dude to know he was transferring a woman actively in labor to the hospital but there was a good chance he was aware given how stiffly I sat in his car and how my body language read not to talk to me.  Thankfully, the hospital is nearby and 15 minutes later he pulled up to the entrance and I got out of the car and started sobbing again.  I walk through the hospital doors and see the single security/registration guy and tell him I’m in labor and ask where I go.  He starts giving me directions and I just repeat back to him verbally and with my hand, “three?” and he confirms yes, third floor.  (Surprised he didn’t grab me a wheelchair or accompany me).  I make my way to the elevators, still sobbing, hit the button and head up to the third floor with a woman in scrubs also getting off on that floor.  I walk out of the elevator, stop and look around at all the signs trying to figure out where to go from here.  She tells me to turn left so I blindly walk that way alone.  I come to a door with a button so I hit the button and am buzzed in.  I’m now in a long hallway, not knowing where to go or why no one is helping this pregnant crying woman.  

I come up to a desk, eyes blurred with tears and see a sign in book so I grab the pen not sure what else to do and a woman behind the counter comes up so I look up at her, tell her I’m in labor and I don’t know what to do.  She then walks with me to a group of nurses and one of them walks me back into a room and has me sit down on a hospital bed, gets me a gown and talks me through a bunch of questions.  At one point she makes a comment about how I haven’t gone through any classes.  And I’m like, what?  Lady, I’ve gone to every single one.  She sounded surprised and asked why I was crying then.  Um, I’m alone and going through this for the first time - I’m allowed to express how I’m feeling and that feeling is incredibly scared.  

Nell comes in and checks where I’m at and it hurts really bad.  She says she can’t tell how dilated I am because something about how my cervix hasn’t gone through a pregnancy before but she did say that she could feel Erp’s head.  Which shocked me since at my appointment on Monday they commented about how high up the baby was.  At this point, I’m then left mostly alone to go through waves of contractions, which hurt far far far worse than I ever expected, with a nurse randomly coming in and out.  I’m given an IV and a few medications to curb the pain which were helpful but I definitely was still experiencing an exorbitant amount of discomfort and anguish.  

Finally around 10:30 a.m. they start talking about getting me an epidural which needed to wait until I had my blood work processed.  By 11 a.m. Kevin had arrived just as they started to administer my epidural.  I was really glad he was there even though I was so blinded by pain that I wasn’t able to do much but grip the bed rails and ride them out.  After my epidural took effect I felt SO MUCH BETTER.  I had this extreme euphoria that made me forget all the pain I had just experienced.  I remember even thinking to myself that it wasn’t that bad, I could totally get pregnant again asap.  

I’m then checked again and to everyone’s surprise I’m already dilated to a 10.  I couldn’t believe it.  From what I thought labor was like I thought it would take hours upon hours if not days to get to a 10, not 3 hours.  Nell has me hang out for an hour and a half while the epidural wore off so I could get some feeling back to start pushing.  Around 1 p.m. I start actively pushing in spurts with the help of Kevin and the nurse.  During this time, Kevin takes the 5-10 minute down times to work on completing the paper he has to submit by 4 p.m.  Remember that 6 hour time frame he told me about this morning?  That included writing a paper so while his test was done in 2.5 hours and he immediately came to the hospital after finishing the test and checking his phone (their phones and all belongings are kept in a separate room during exams so he didn’t realize I was in labor until after he finished the test).  So he was able to write, finish and submit his paper all while helping hold my legs and coaching me through pushing.  What a man!  

At 4:32 p.m. I made my final push (which hurt a lot more than the rest of the pushes) and out came Erp.  They placed this warm, slimy baby on my stomach (she had an incredibly short umbilical cord so that was as high as they could place her) and the first words out of my mouth were, “what the fuck.”   I “knew” a baby came at the end of this pregnancy but it was still so so so weird to now have this tiny creature with me.  Kevin cut the cord and they placed her on my chest as I came to grips with the fact that she’s ours.  The nurse was snapping pictures and they all came out with me having the most puzzled faces of disbelief but Kevin’s smile is beaming through :)  At birth her stats were 6lbs 14oz and 21 inches.  We stayed at the hospital for the next two days and were discharged the afternoon of Sunday, December 20th.  (also shown above is the intense rats nest in my hair from going through labor and staying in bed for two days)

I’ve gone through such intense waves of emotion since my water broke.  From extreme fear, to the highest high of happiness euphoria, to sobbing at just looking at her and realizing how blessed we are, to irritability and general moodiness, to very deep sorrow at the realization that I don’t get to stay home and live this life with her - that I have to go back to work in an extremely short time span and hand her off to a stranger (who’s to be determined).  I’ve never felt mood swings more powerful than this in my life and I’d be lying if I said things are all just peachy keen.  I’ve never experienced sleep deprivation like this nor this strength of hormone shifts.  Yes, we’re healthy and happy and incredibly blessed but this has been much more emotionally charged than I anticipated, both positively and negatively.  

On the whole, though, we’re doing really really well.  She’s a great baby who is above all healthy, rarely fussy, is a self soother, and loves snuggling.  She’s my little squish and I get excited every time I get to see her, which is at least every three hours due to her feeding schedule.  

Thank you all for sharing your support, love and excitement for us during this oh so exciting time!  

[beronicahugs]

Not My Jacket - Part 8 - S.P

taglist; @allison-rosewood-maximoff , @whenaprincessisahero , @sweetpeas-serpant, @babygirlscali , @randomnesss-of-fandomness , @coffeeaddict201 , @jxhn-mxrphy , @maceyisntcool , @and-i-swear-we-are-infinte , @tacozxd , @lifeisforlosers , @cinn-rawr , @betty-dale, @imthewinchestertoyourimpala , @writersandroses , @kytty27 , @lilithmouse , @poolpartyingwithjaws , @savy-girl , @moonkvd , @svenjafangirlt , @mariechristine91 , @igivethefeels , @luckyfriess , @deethelionprince , @itszehraa , @penisprkr , @lucystivinsky1315 , @isak-lovelies , @megbaldy , @superoptimist1997 , @mypotronus , @fckingnostalgia , @becca-in-the-tardis , @iwriteforyall , @lucystivinsky1315 , @no-heroes-are-coming , @annoyingsibling , @swxxt-pxa , @ariabarnes , @baileystorm17, @sweetacp , @johnmurphys-sass , @parkerswebs , @squishyethan , @deanilostmyshoe , @angrykittty24 , @s0144700 , @hplssdreamer , @natalieroseg , @that-idiot125 , @triste-garcon-mon-cherie , @chocolate0minion , @choi-youngslay , @jasmienemien

Masterlist

Part I, Part II, Part III , Part IV , Part V , Part VI , Part VII , Part VIII

~~

He started to unhook your dress, pushing you down on the bed.

Something was wrong this wasn’t supposed to be happening,

“No” You tried pushing his face away but you were weak. “Stop-Stop”

He continued to take off his shoes, before unbuckling his belt.

‘No get away-”

The door of the bedroom slammed open. A rush of blonde and black hair zoomed into the room, grabbing nick and pushing him to the ground. After they had knocked him out, Betty came over and hugged you.

“Are you okay?”

“Did he almost……”

You looked at your fingernails. They were dirty and chipped.

You peered up at Veronica. “Could you go get pea please. I ca-”

before you could almost finish you sentence the serpent stormed in.

“What the fuck happened here?”

He looked over at you, before charing over.

“Goddammit babe I shouldn’t have left you alone”

~~

Sweet pea and you were both lying in his bed. Nick had been sent to the sheriffs office, and the serpents were trying to frame him for the fire. Even though you caused it, what he had done they decided to pin it on him. Sweet pea was playing with your hair, humming along to a song that was in his head.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you again”

He held both your hands gently.

“It’s fine Pea. You came in time. I’m okay” You whispered.

He looked down at you, brown eyes softening. “Are you sure? He almost…”

Sweet pea trailed off.

“Yeah” You sighed, “We’re together now. I trust you. I’ll be okay”

~~

A week later, you and sweet pea were wondering the halls. News had gotten out about you and Nick had gone around. The serpents had your back now more than ever, but if you weren’t with sweet pea, ghoulies would cat call you. Of course Sweet Pea knew about this. Ghoulies would show up day after day with black eyes, but that didn’t stop them.

You ignored their eyes, walking to your English class, and sitting next to betty.

~~

Humming as you walked through the halls, you smiled at Toni and fangs, before stopping at sweet pea’s locker and dropping off one of your books.

“so y/n..” Fangs grinned, “With all the commotion that went on...you never got your tattoo” Fangs smile got bigger.

“I think it’s time we go to the tattoo parlour”

You groaned. “Must I get one”

“Of course babe” Sweet pea snuck behind you. “Where are you going to get it?”

The dark and dingy parlour was less than inviting, but with sweet pea, fangs and Toni by your side, you felt better. A larger set man with a beard was sitting in an old leather chair. pieces of paper with sketched designs, many including serpents, decorated the three walls, the fourth having enough space for two windows. Red lighting was cast in the room. The seat you sat in creaked as you leaned back.

You swallowed, reaching for one of sweet pea’s hands.

“What are you looking for today?”

“The Southside serpent tattoo?” He chuckled.

“You look like some northsi-”

One look from sweet pea was enough to shut him up.

“Where do you want it?”

He started soaking a cotton ball with alcohol.

“rib”

~~

After the painful experience. He wrapped your tattoo in plastic wrap. Sweet pea wasn’t too happy about the fact you had to take your shirt off for that, some of the other old me in the building looked at you as he tried to keep his cool from punching their faces, but he has to admit the tattoo looked pretty hot on you.

You were instructed you couldn’t go swimming for 24 hours and that it would be sensitive, and then you were on your way.

“So since have mine now..where are your guys tattoos?” You looked at Toni and Fangs.

“Couldn’t copy your boyfriend here, so I got it near my collarbone” 

“Oh course, the neck tattoo is my thing”

You laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “Sure it is babe”

Fangs rolled his eyes at the two of you.

“I have mine on my wrist” Toni stated.

“Mmm”

“Now we all know where your tattoo is Y/n. It’s a shame only Sweet pea will see it”

“Shut it Fogarty!”

~~

After arriving home again, you decided to change into one of sweet peas shirts. They were comfy, so why not.

You looked around his bedroom, trying to find the blue one you always wore.

“Hey P” You shouted downstairs.

“Yeah?”

“Where’s the blue shirt I normally wear?”

After a couple seconds of no respond, sweet pea came bounding up the stairs, the garment in his hand.

“Thought I’d wash it for you”

You pouted, “But now it doesn’t smell like pine and leather anymore”

He grinned, “Yes but now you can say it’s yours and occasionally leave it here because I miss you too sometimes, you know?”

You laughed, turning around before changing into the shirt, chucking your jeans and sweater to the side, shimmying into some shorts.

“You are such a dork”

“But I’m your dork”

“True”

You glided over to him, tying your hair up in a floppy bun before sitting next to him.

“Oh. Tall boy called. They were able to pin the fire on that boy that almost...”

Sweet pea looked off.

“Yeah” you mumbled, “okay”

~~~

After waking up in the middle of the night, sweet pea was still sleeping, snoring quite loudly. You got up, walking into the kitchen to get a drink of water. As you filled a chipped mug you heard a knock at the door. Your eyes widened as you padded to the front door. 

Pressing your hadn't on the cool metal, you slid the door open just slightly, before it was kicked in, a cloth being pressed to your mouth. The last thing you saw was a brown sack being thrown over your head, body becoming lighter like someone was picking you up.

[mrsjihyunkim]

20 Seconds of Bravery Ch 15

First          Previous        Next

        When I opened my eyes everything was bright and I had to use my hand to shield my eyes. When they finally adjusted to the light I looked around. I wasn’t in my house but Azul was laying on my chest. The room was very cool colored itself and had sunflowers all over it. I sat up and felt a tug on my arm, there was an IV in my hand. I pulled it out and put some gauze pads over it. I felt like there was something really important that I was forgetting but then I heard the door open. My eyes stayed locked on the door hoping that some answers would come through it. A tall man with light teal hair walked through the door holding some more sunflowers. My eyes welled up with tears but I didn’t know why. The man dropped the flowers and ran to my bedside. He pulled me into an embrace and I was too shocked to speak. His scent made my heart ache and I wanted to badly to remember something about this man. “MC I’m so glad you’re ok. Everyone has been so worried. People were beginning to think you weren’t going to wake up.” This mans words had me shocked and I didn’t know what to say. My chest was hurting so badly but I couldn’t figure out why. I needed to say something to him but what? “I’ll be right back I’m going to call the doctor and tell everyone else you’re awake.” Almost as quickly as he entered he left the room and I was even more confused. A doctor soon came in and looked me over. He told me that I hit my head during an accident and that I had been unconscious for almost a week. He left after that and I processed everything he told me. A little after the doctor my friend Shelby came in and I was so relieved to see a familiar face.

“Shelby what’s going on? I can barely remember anything and after seeing that guy with the blue hair I feel so hurt. Is Jake the reason I’m in here?” She gave me a confused look and then her face turned sad.

“You don’t remember V?” I shook my head and she looked disappointed. “V is the name of the guy with the blue hair.” When she told me his name my heart began to thump. I searched for a memory of him but I couldn’t find any and my eyes began to water.

“Why does it hurt so much that I don’t remember him? Shelby what happened?” She looked almost nervous with my questions. Instead of answering them she put a bag on the bed.

“The doctor says that you’re ok to leave. So get dressed and we can talk at my place. I’m gonna go tell everyone what’s going on.” She left the room and I was just more confused. As I moved to get the bag I got an itch on my shoulder. When I used my hand to reach it felt crusty. I looked at my hand and saw yellow flakes under my nails. I was both concerned and curious so I went over to the mirror in the bathroom. I pulled down the hospital gown and looked at the mirror. There were broken sunflowers that went down my back and even though they were almost gone I could still see the beauty in it. Suddenly, like a flood gate, everything came back to me. I remembered V and all my new friends and I remembered what happened in the basement. My eyes begin to flood with tears at the fact that I had actually forgotten my time with V. I felt like some cliche girl in a soap opera. I put my clothes on and headed for the door. I had to find V. Before I got to the door it opened and I saw V.

“Oh, sorry MC I was just,” I didn’t even hesitate to throw my arms around him.

“I’m sorry V. I’m so sorry that I forgot you. I’m so sorry.” He put his arms around me and I felt him breathe a deep sigh.

“You’re such a silly girl. I was never even angry. I knew you’d find your way back to me eventually.” He tilted my chin up and wiped away my tears. “I won’t lie though, when Shelby said you didn’t remember me my heart broke. I felt so helpless, like a huge piece of me had disappeared.” V paused as he stroked my hair. “Just out of curiosity, what made you remember?” I tilted my head up and looked at him.

“I saw remnants of your painting on my back and everything came flooding back. It gave me a killer headache but it’s worth it.” V walked me over to the bed and I noticed that it wasn’t a hospital bed. It was an actual bed. “V where are we and what happened at the house?” He clenched his fist on his knee and I knew it was bad.

“There was a security breach with the security guards. Some of Jake’s associates took the place of some guards and snuck into the house. Apparently their plan was to grab you and teach me a lesson.” My heart sank when I heard V’s words. I was instantly filled with worry.

“Are you ok? How did everything turn out ok?” I hated to think it but it didn’t make any sense.

“Well Saeyoung noticed that Jake’s phone was really close to your place so him and Saeran came back. They realized something was wrong when they saw the security guards go inside. So they came in and helped me.” He ran his hand through his hair and seemed angry. “I honestly don’t know what would of happened if they wouldn’t have shown up. Even when I tried to protect you I just ended up hurting you.” After he said that I realized that he blamed himself for what happened to me.

“Now stop that. It’s not your fault that they surprised us and it’s not your fault I fell down my illy constructed stairs. And honestly one of those goons probably would have pushed me down them anyway. It wouldn’t have been the first time.” I folded my hands in my lap and V placed one of his on top of mine.

“Speaking of, while you were still in the hospital they told me about the extent of your past injuries. They said that a lot of them should of been fatel. One nurse was even amazed that you were still alive. How come you never told me how badly he used to hurt you?” I shrugged my shoulders and traced my fingers on V’s hand.

“I didn’t really see a point. Plus I don’t really want to rehash the trama. The injuries may be healed but I still remember them like they were yesterday.” He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. “So are you going to tell me where we are now? This doesn’t seem like a hospital.”

“We’re in Jumin’s penthouse. The plan was just to move you back to your house so you wouldn’t be scared when you woke up. Then Jumin suggested we move you here.” I looked around and processed what V told me.

“And he was just ok with everything? Like even bringing my cats?” I began to feel guilty for causing Jumin so much trouble.

“He actually insisted on it. He said he needed to take responsibility for his security being so weak. I was just going to aske Saeyoung or Saeran to watch your cats but Jumin pointed out that since they’re therapy cats so they might help you recover. So we brought them over and they’ve barely left the room.” I petted Yeti as he laid beside me.

“Was I really out for almost a week?” I felt bad that I had made everyone worry so much.

“Yes. Everyone was worried but we all knew you’d pull through. Eric and Shelby just kept saying that you’ve been through worse and I had a feeling they were talking about your past.” I laid back on the bed and put my feet across V.

“That doesn’t really narrow it down but they’re probably talking the last time Alex got ahold of me.” My hand instinctively went to my side and V noticed.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but I hope that one day you can.” I did want to tell him but I didn’t know if I could talk about of of that yet. I took a deep breathe and lifted up my shirt so that V could see the scars on my side. His eyes went wide as he inspected it himself. I could see a mix of anger and sadness building inside him. He traced the scar across my and stopped when it disappeared under my pants.

“This is what’s left of Alex’s visit.” There was no hiding the bitterness in my voice. I was used to blocking my trama but that was the only one I kept fresh in my mind. “I’ll tell you if you want but it isn’t pretty.”

“I do want to know but we should wait until later. Everyone is waiting to see you so I don’t think now is the right time.” My eyes widened as I remembered that I had everyone waiting. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head and smiled at him.

“Nothing. I just always feel like I’m in my own world when I’m with you. Everything else just disappeared, including our friends.” I blushed and he just laughed.

“I know exactly what you mean. If we don’t go out there soon they’ll probably barge in. You go ahead and go, I’m going to clean up the vase I broke.” I got off the bed and gave him a light kiss before heading to the door. “Oh and when you get a chance you should talk to Jaehee. She has some news for you.” I gave him a look but he just smiled and shrugged. After rolling my eyes at him I went out the door. The hallway outside the room was very lush but gave off a cold feeling. Since I was unsure which way to go so I followed the sounds of voices. When I got the the end of the hall I saw most of the RFA and Shelby. AJ was playing with Saeran and they were the first to see me. AJ ran over to me and made me pick him up. Everyone else turned to see what was going on and their faces filled with relief.

“Well you seem in a good mood. I thought you were gonna come out all sour once V went in there.” Shelby took AJ from me and I gave her a confused look. Then I remembered that everyone still thought I had forgotten who V was.

“Oh. Yeah about that, I actually got my memories back when I saw V’s painting on my back. So I cried like a baby and he filled me in on what happened.” Everyone seemed really happy about this and the air seemed a lot lighter.

“That’s great MC! So are you going to stay here then?” I nodded at her and she hugged me. “Alright. I’m gonna go fill Eric in. He couldn’t get away from the shop to come see you. Call us if you need anything.” We hugged again and then she left with AJ. I looked at everyone else and I didn’t really know what to say.

“I’m sorry that I had everyone so worried. If I was stronger, then you all wouldn’t of had to worry so much.”

“MC you’re being ridiculous.” Jumin said from the couch with his cat.

“Yeah. Jumin’s right MC. You literally slammed your head on concrete. V said they had to cut into your skull to relieve the bleeding. Anyone would have a hard time with that.” Yoosung gave me a warm hearted smile and I started to feel better.

“Not to mention the doctor was pretty amazed at how fast you woke up. He said that people who don’t wake up a couple days after surgery almost never wake up.” Yoosung’s face turned a bit sad but it was quickly replaced with a smile.

“They’re all right MC.” I turned around and saw V standing behind me. “Everyone was worried because they care.” He put his arm around me and I blushed.

“MC why don’t you sit down. You should still take it easy.” Saeran threw a cat toy across the room and Elizabeth ran after it.

“No I’m fine. Sleeping for a week has me feeling restless. Sitting is the last thing I wanna do, plus I gotta think about what I’m gonna do about Jake.” I looked at V and I could see that he was thinking. “I know you’re against me training with Jane but after what happened I need it. Plus you have your operation coming up and we’ll be defenseless.” I could tell that V wasn’t happy with my idea but he knew I had a point.

“I already told V that you are both more than welcome to say here while he recovers from his operation. Anything you two need I will do my best to help.” Jumin didn’t look up from his phone as he spoke but I could feel his sincerity.

“Are you sure Jumin? I know you’re really busy and I’ve already been enough trouble.” Jumin stood up and put his phone in his jacket pocket.

“Oh course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure. Not to mention I get something out of it.”

“What do you get out of MC and V staying here?” Yoosung seemed filled with curiosity

“It’s a joke between V and I. What did you call it V?”

“An inside joke.”

“Yes that’s it. Since they are staying here I get to see more of my friend and have nights like we used to.”

“Well thank you Jumin. I greatly appreciate your hospitality and please let me know if there’s anything I can do to thank you.” He waved his hand in dismissal at my notion.

“There’s no need. Seeing my friend happy is thanks enough.” He looked our direction and gave us a small smile. Suddenly a very loud growling noise filled the silence and my face turned red. Before anyone could say anything Saeran had appread and grabbed my wrist. I looked back at V, who looked as confused as everyone else, as Saeran lead me through the penthouse. We ended up in the kitchen and Saeran sat me down in a chair. His face had been flushed since he grabbed me and I was beyond confused. A bowl of noodles was placed in front of me and wouldn’t look at me. Right as I was about speak I heard V call out to me.

“MC is everything alright?”

“Yes I’m fine. I’ll be back in a second.” I looked back at Saeran and he almost seemed annoyed. “Saeran, did you make this for me?” He turned around so that his back was facing me and ran a hand through his hair.

“When I was in the hospital I got really hungry after I woke up so I figured you would too.” He faced me again but he seemed too embarrassed to look me in the eye. I just smiled at him and took a bite of the noodles.

“Thank you Saeran. It’s delicious!” He looked so happy when I told him that but then he just left the kitchen and headed back to the others. As I was eating Jumin’s cat Elizabeth jumped up on the table across from me. “Hello Elizabeth. I hope my boys are minding their manners.” She meowed at me and I swear my heart exploded because of how cute it sounded. “You have a very beautiful voice. Jumin is very lucky to have you.” She meowed another time. “So tell me, do you like being called Elizabeth,” She didn’t make a sound. “or Elley?” She meowed almost instantly. “I see. Well Jumin isn’t going to be happy about that.” I laughed to myself and continued eating. When I was done eating she walked across the table and climbed on my shoulders. “Are you sure you want to do that? I have to get up and go back to V.” She only meowed but didn’t move. I got up very slowly but she didn’t seem to mind. Her purring was very soothing and her fur was soft. Jumin obviously took really good care of her. When I walked back into the main room everyone seemed to be in awe.

“Wow MC! That’s so cool! How did you get her to do that?” Yoosung looked like a kid at the circus.

“She just waited for me to finish eating and then climbed up. She’s also very chatty. Aren’t you Elizabeth?” She meowed and Jumin was in awe.

“Remarkable. I’ve never heard her talk so loudly. She must like you very much.” Elizabeth meowed and rubbed her head against my cheek. I laughed as her fur tickled my nose.

“Alright Elizabeth time to get down. We wouldn’t want you to fall.” She made no intention to move.

“How very right you are MC. Come here please Elizabeth.” I sighed when she didn’t move but my shoulders were getting tired and I had to sneeze.

“Elley. Get down please.” I said in a firm voice. Jumin was about to interject but then she jumped down and rubbed herself around Jumin’s legs. He had a sour look on his face like he was in denial.

“MC you’re like some kind of cat whisper.” I shrugged my shoulders and then sneezed.

“Not really. I just get along really well with them.” I fidgeted with my hands in embarrassment.

“There’s no doubt about that. Maybe I should consult you on all of my cat business.” I was going to ask him to clarify but this his phone rang. “Excuse me I have to take this.” He walked into another room and I felt awkward. I was starting to miss my home but I didn’t know how to say that without sounding rude.

“Well I have to get going. I have work soon and I’ve got to get Saeran home. I’m really glad to see your awake MC.” Yoosung walked over to the door and Saeran followed. “Oh and V let us know when your operation is.” V simply nodded and they walked out the door. Once it was the door closed V walked over to me and slipped his hands around my waist. I smiled and leaned into him.

“So do you think you feel good enough for a date tomorrow?” I gasped and pretended to me shocked.

“Why Mr. Kim. You are very bold to ask out a lady who just got out of a coma.” I poked his forehead and he rolled his eyes at me.

“I can’t help it. I missed you so much. I talked to you everyday with no way of knowing if my words reached you.” His face turned sad and I put my hand on his cheek.

“Hey, I’m ok. There’s no way a little bump on the head is going to keep me from you. And I know that your words reached me because it broke my heart when I couldn’t remember you.” We moved over to the couch and sat down. “So of course I’ll go on a date with you. What did you have in mind?” He smiled and kissed my forehead.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” I pouted a little and he laughed. “I’m going to have to spend the day getting it all together though if that’s ok.” I nodded.

“Yeah. I should probably call all my clients and explain to them what happened. Hopefully not too many of them left. Did you bring my laptop from the house?”

“I did. There’s a suitcase in the closet of the room you were staying. It has your computer, phone, and clothes in it. I also put all your bathroom stuff in the bathroom.” He kissed my forehead and moved off the couch. “I have to go talk to Jumin real quick. Is there anything you need?”

“No I’m just going to shower quick and call my clients. Maybe I’ll go the shop after all that. Oh and I should probably call Jaehee.”

“Alright I’ll go find Jumin now and then take care of my errands. I’ll be back later.” We headed our different directions but then V called out to me. “MC will you please let me know if you’re going to the shop.”

“Of course. I love you.” He blushed a little but he looked happy.

“You have no idea how happy I am to hear those words again. I love you too.” I smiled at him and then turned around to head to the room. When I got in there I found the suitcase V mentioned and pulled some clothes out of it. My shower felt really nice after being stuck in a bed for a week. When I got out of the shower I felt newly refreshed and my headache was slightly better. I went back to the bedroom and pulled booted up my laptop. As expected my inbox was full and it took me a good hour to sort through it and call my clients. Eric and Shelby had managed to reach some of them for me but I still lost the current projects I was working on, including my big one that I’d been working on for a month. I walked back out to the living room feeling slightly dejected. Jumin was sitting on the couch looking at his phone, he only looked up briefly to acknowledge my presence.

“Hello MC. How did everything go with your clients?” He asked still looking at his phone. I sat down on the couch next to him and sighed.

“As good as it could I guess. Since I was asleep all of my current projects got taken over by someone else. So I’m out of work for a bit it seems other than the Aurora site, but that one I mostly do for free.” Jumin looked up from his phone and gave me a confused look.

“Why would you do work for free especially with having lost all your clients.”

“The Aurora site is like my baby. It was the first site I designed and it’s what got me out there. So it’s not really work anymore. I just had changes to it a lot cause of all the events at the shop.”

“I see. And that’s the shop that your friends own?” I nodded and he appeared to be thinking. “V mentioned that you might want to go there today. Would you mind if I came with you? I’m very curious about this game business. It might benefit to look into it.” I raised an eyebrow at him but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Aren’t you really busy with your work though?”

“I had Assistant Kang move all of my meeting to Monday and everything else is just paperwork that I can also sign on Monday. So no I’m not busy.” I raised my eyebrow again but then shrugged my shoulders.

“If you really want to come I won’t stop you but you might not want to wear a suit.”

“What’s wrong with wearing my suit?” He almost seemed offended.

“Nothing but we have to walk there and the environment there is very casual. I just think you’ll feel better in casual attire.” He gave some thought to what I said and seemed to understand.

“That sounds very logical. Alright I’ll go change and then we can leave. Make sure you tell V that we’re leaving.” Jumin got up and headed to another part of his penthouse with Elizabeth following him. It seemed somewhat surreal that I was about to spend the day with Jumin Han but then again my whole life seemed like that these days. I dialed V’s number and listened to it ring. He picked up and I almost melted at his voice.

“MC is everything ok?” I heard lots of noise behind him and figured he was outside.

“Yeah everything is fine. I was just calling to let you know that I’m about to head to the shop with Jumin.” He laughed and I rolled my eyes.

“Really Jumin is going to go with you? That should be interesting. It will be quite a story over dinner.” I laughed with him.

“It will. I should go now, stay safe. I love you.”

“I will and I love you too.” He hung up the phone and I was left feeling bitter sweet. I knew we couldn’t spend every second together but I wished we could. It just felt unnatural to not be with him.

“Will this suffice MC?” I turned around and saw Jumin. He was wearing some tan slacks and a grey cardigan over a white t-shirt. He even had a pair of sunglasses on his head. I had to admit that was a lot better than I expected. I opened up my phone and took a picture of him. “Seems you and V have taking surprise pictures in common. No wonder you two get along so well. I suppose you’re going to send it to him?” I stood up and put my phone in my pocket.

“Yep. Are you ready to go?”

“Of course. Are you sure you don’t want to take a car? It’s a safer option.” I froze in my place and did my best to keep myself composed.

“If you really want to drive then I’ll meet you there. I can’t ride in a car, they honestly terrify me. Since my mom died I’ve only ridden in a car once and it was to go get V.” I could feel my hands starting to shake.

“Alright. Then we’ll walk. I’m sorry if I upset you. V told me you had anxieties but he didn’t go beyond that. Next time I’ll ask for a list. I apologize.” I laughed a little and rolled my eyes.

“Jumin there isn’t enough paper in the world to list my anxieties. But thank you for trying to be considerate.” We exited the penthouse and headed towards the elevator.

[loversandantiheroes]

Like Blood Running Warm - Part 1

Author’s Note: Happy Spooktober.  A couple weeks ago I mentioned how this song made me want to write a Vamp!Clara AU.  This is the result of that.  Part 1 of probably 2 or 3 if they remain this sort of length.  Big thanks to @longjackets, @nikkidee, @kingandcrook, and @infiniteregress17 for the beta help.

Summary: A snowstorm strands a group of bus passengers at a near-derelict station overnight near the Colorado border.   One of them just can't seem to get warm.

Rating: T (currently, AO3 link is pre-tagged for the later stuff)

Warnings: Angst by the bucket, Terminal Illness, Simm!Master being...Simm!Master and thus a walking dumpster fire, Implied Past Drug Use, Implied Harassment.

Word Count: 5799

AO3 Link: here

Did you call for the night porter? You smell the blood running warm I stay close to this frozen border, so close I can hit it with a stone Now something crawls right up my spine That I always got to follow Turn out the lights Don't see me drawn and hollow Just blood running warm

      - Mark Lanegan, "When Your Number Isn't Up"

- 11:07pm

John Smith, the night porter, sat in the break room of the bus terminal. He should, by all rights, be keeping post behind the counter in the booth, even at this late of an hour, and he knew that. Pointless, though, wasn’t it? An old portable telly spouted crackling spurts of weather reports at him. Worst snow in a decade, record lows, blah blah. He could’ve guessed that himself looking at the drifts forming outside the sliding doors, which he would have to keep shovelled out unless he wanted to end up buried in here. Buried alive with shitty instant coffee, a vending machine that half-worked, and a telly he couldn’t even get a decent signal on. His employers, stingy bastards that they were, were too cheap to provide anything new or at least decent on the premises. In the lounge, where most stations would have the new plasma or LED or god-knows-what-the-fuck-ever craning down from the ceiling or mounted on the walls, there were instead tiny coin-op televisions. Bloody ancient things with built-in radio dials bolted to the arms of the benches and chairs, popping and crackling to life at the generous price of 30 minutes for a quarter.

John had no bloody idea why the hell the relics were still installed. Honestly, he didn’t know such things even existed until he took this post, but the real shocker was that somehow they still worked. By all rights, they shouldn’t be able to pick up a signal anymore, save for the radio dial, not after the big push from analog to digital broadcasting. Converter box wired up to some kind of main switch maybe, that was the best he could figure. Mystery of the fucking universe, or might as well be; tech was not his area. But it made him feel something. Kinship maybe, he thought, cradling the battered porcelain mug of coffee and trying to work some warmth into the joints of his fingers. Old and busted, but still working. Last legs, maybe, but some life still crackling inside.

He’d moved to the States for the sake of his health, that was the joke of it. Christ on a bike, that was the fucking joke. The belching exhaust of a passing lorry in Glasgow last spring had left him doubled over and hacking against a lamp post. Not that a cough was that unusual, he’d been a smoker from the age of fourteen. He was used to the hack-and-rattle first thing in the morning, or when the seasons changed from Damp and Warm to Damp and Cold (Scotland only had the two seasons, really). But this time had been different. Not quite worse, but deeper, like the first signal of the flu.

He’d gone home to his flat that day, made tea, and emptied his tobacco tin into the garbage. Good fucking riddance. Something welled up in him then. A change of scenery would be good. He was nearly fifty-six years old, and he’d never even left the country. Wanderlust, he’d called it at the time. Not entirely untrue, but a little too grand. All he’d wanted in that second was to run away. It wasn’t as if he had any real ties to Glasgow anymore. No friends to speak of, all those were gone. Family either dead or distant. He spun his wedding ring unconsciously. No children. That was almost a relief, considering.

Once he decided to go, he’d sold everything but his clothes and his guitar. Sentiment was only the half of that. He’d never admit it, but he’d simply found the idea of travelling halfway across the world with nothing but the guitar too foolishly romantic to give up. Then on the emptied floor of his flat he’d laid out a massive map of the continental US, closed his eyes, and flipped a coin at it.

He’d spent six good months in Colorado, taking odd jobs and occasionally even sitting in on open mic nights at a local bar, plucking out something of The Velvet Underground or Bowie, and chalking up the slow but steady weight loss as stress and an aversion to American food. Then the cough had come back.

Small cell lung cancer. The fast moving shit. The sort that dug its nails in and decided it lived in you now. Gentrification of the lungs. Radiation or chemo might have bought him some time, but that was the best it could offer. But the pricetag on a few more months was entirely too steep. One look in the clinic window at the thinning husks hooked up to IV drips with pallid eyes and piebald pates, and he’d been out like a shot. On his way to work that night he’d bought a pack of cigarettes. If he was gonna die, he’d at least do it with a full head of hair.

John leaned over the break room table, rubbing at his temples. Too busy feeling sorry for himself to think fucking properly, he inhaled just a bit too sharply. The heating in the bus station was rubbish, the glass windows and sliding doors too thin to keep the cold out, and the electric heater he’d dragged in himself, in a feeble attempt to keep his toes from freezing during the long winter, barely managed to take the chill out of the break room.

Cold air needled into his lungs, and he choked, sputtering and coughing so hard it made his bones ache. Hot coffee sloshed over his hands, and he swore, or at least tried. He needed air to curse, and his lungs weren’t having any of that nonsense. He pounded on the table, sloshing more coffee and overturning a plastic tumbler full of spoons. As the fit subsided, John fumbled in his pockets for his handkerchief and spat, folding it away and trying to pretend he hadn’t seen it come away from this lips bloody.

John sat with his head between his knees until he could breathe evenly again, the sound of the telly all but drowned out by the rush of blood in his ears. At last, he stood, sopped up the mess of coffee, and stumbled out to check the departures and arrivals. Departures from Shotton had been cancelled even before John had limped to work in his jeep. The last two drivers had waved him off as he pulled in, climbing into their own cars to get the hell out of Dodge and back home before the snow settled in with any real intent. Now the roads were closing, and that meant he might be stuck here alone, hacking his lungs up over bad coffee and worse telly until the snow plows went out.

“Fuck,” he muttered. The arrivals list, which had been a string of delays when he’d come in, was now almost completely cancelled. All but one. 11:20 from Cheyenne. Delayed, but still inbound. Wonderful. Snowed in overnight with a busload of pissy tourists on their way to Denver. Wouldn’t that just be a time. “Of-fucking-course. You couldn’t even give me one miserable night off, could you?” he growled at the ceiling.

He kept swearing as he pulled his winter gear on. He’d read once that swearing helped with pain relief; maybe the blue streak would keep him warm. He struggled this balaclava over his head, wondering if it wasn’t time for a haircut. He was a little too proud to still have a full head of hair, grey or no, and had let it go a little wild after the move. Insulation, he told himself. Too fucking cold to trim the hair back, be liable to freeze to death before the cancer gets a chance to finish the fucking job.

Laughing, John wound his scarf around his head.

- 11:34pm

John had most of the entry cleared and shook down with rock salt and sand, when he saw headlights. The bus lurched up through the drive, crunching and shuddering its way up through the snow to the sheltered entrance.

John leaned on his shovel and flapped a thickly-gloved hand as the bus ground to a stop in front of him. The door hissed open, blowing a gorgeously welcome gust of heated air at him. The driver was a new guy, a round-faced man with close cropped hair and a frankly terrible goatee. “Fuck me ragged,” the driver called down, grinning, “I’m gonna get held up by the Michelin Man.”

John made a gun out of his right hand and popped his thumb. Ka-chow. “You’ll want to get inside,” he shouted through too many layers of damp wool.

The driver frowned, motioning at his ear. “Can’t hear you, pal.”

He waved again, palm in, fingers curling. Come the fuck in.

- 11:40pm

There weren’t many passengers, thank God. John counted heads as they shambled in, jamming his gloves into his pockets and fiddling with his scarf which had gone stiff with frost. Seventeen or eighteen, including the driver, who’d pulled off to try and park the bus proper while he still stood a chance to get it moving. An old couple cooed and laughed over the coin-op televisions. A young black woman in a pea-colored coat almost as heavily padded as his own gave him a nervous smile as he struggled out of his balaclava. She asked hopefully about coffee with a London accent that made him do a double take.

“Or tea or hot chocolate?” she went on in the sort of bright tone only the incredibly anxious and incredibly exhausted can achieve. “Anything hot, honestly, I’m not fussy.”

John grunted, both in effort and assent. He’d worked up a fair sweat out there, and the wool was stuck fastidiously to his head. He bent, trying to pull it up from the back, and heard a second voice with an unmistakable Blackpool twinge.

“Easy, mate, you’ll pull your whole head off by mistake.”

Cold fingers brushed at the nape of his neck, curling into the wool, helping him pull. And then he was free, spitting lint and rifling a hand through the haphazard sprawl of his hair.

London giggled behind her hand. Beside her now was a second, significantly smaller woman who was holding his snow-crusted balaclava out to him. For a second, all he saw were her eyes, wide and brown and faintly crinkled at the corners as she smiled up at him. She was lovely, far too lovely, and he was far too old, and oh Jesus Christ he was staring.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, trying to flatten the beast his hair had become. “Uhm, the coffee machine’s on the fritz,” he said, gesturing at the line of vending machines and utterly missing the excited upshoot both women’s eyebrows did when they heard his accent. With a touch of annoyance, he noticed the out of order sign had dropped once again and was slowly soaking into a puddle of slush. “I’ve got a kettle in the break room, but the coffee’s instant. But there’s quite a lot of it, at least, so.” He shrugged, grinning awkwardly and trying not to look at the short one with the big eyes.

“That’d be amazing, I’m frozen,” London said, bouncing on her toes.

“Right, well, have a seat, I’ll go and get that on.”

“I’ll give you a hand,” Blackpool said.

London scoffed, rolling her eyes. “No accounting for taste,” she muttered.

Blackpool stuck out her tongue.

John glanced at her sidelong as he opened the door to the break room. She noted his hesitation and gave him a quizzical look. “You on your own tonight?”

John frowned. “Yeah, why?”

“Then I will definitely give you a hand. You look fit to keel over.”

The frown deepened into a scowl.

She laughed. “Oh, go on, your eyebrows look like they could shoot laser beams when you scrunch up like that.”

He pushed through the door after her, shrugging his parka off and pretending that he wasn’t trying to hide a smile, unsure why he should be hiding it other than that recurring little prickle that said she’s too pretty and you’re too old and have you forgotten you’re dying?

“I like the accent. Where in Scotland?” she asked, already filling the kettle as he stripped off his overalls.

“Glasgow.” He spared her a glance over his shoulder, cocking an eyebrow. “You’re from Blackpool?”

“Ooh, jackpot, well done.”

“Not the sort of accent I expected to hear coming in with the snow in the arse-end of America. I had friends there. The other girl, London, is she with you?”

“No, not really. Met her at the station, actually, we’ve just been headed the same way. Fell in together a bit. It was just nice, y’know. Familiar sort of accent. America’s so bloody big, makes you feel a little less alone.” Her gaze shifted outward and for a moment she was gone, the over the hills and far away sort of gone, hands still trying to seat the kettle without the help of her eyes. On the third try, she finally managed to set the it down on the base properly and click it on.

“Oh. I know that look,” he muttered, sitting down to try and struggle his overalls past his boots. “Someone’s homesick.”

“Something like that.”

He opened his mouth, but the well-meaning platitude he’d meant to give was lost in a deep, lung-rattling cough. He bent double, hugging his knees, eyes squeezed shut, and told himself over and over again it will pass, it will pass, it will pass. Spots burst and swam behind his eyelids as his body protested the idea. The muscles in his body froze up, lungs refusing any command except get out get out get out. All at once the darkness seemed to deepen, wrapping around him, swallowing him up. There was a bizarre sensation of detachment. Like he was falling into himself, as if his body was some hollow thing he was floating around inside like a sensory deprivation tank.

An arm curled around his shoulders, holding his body up, a cold hand rubbing circles on his back. Blackpool’s voice came floating through the black from miles off like sweet woodsmoke.

“Hey, c’mon breathe, breathe, you’re alright.”

At last, his muscles unlocked, and he sucked in a great whooping gulp of air and coughed again, half-retching as Blackpool shoved a crumpled wad of tissues into his hands. John sat shaking as his breathing leveled, swimming back up into the peaked fluorescent light. The coughing was old, but the blackout, that was new. New and decidedly not good. Blackpool’s hand still rubbed at his back. She was still there. He swiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, and as he blinked the tears out of his eyes he saw a smear of red across his knuckles. Fuck.

Blackpool looked down at the blood on his hand, eyes wide with concern and something else he couldn’t quite place. Something that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Her pupils were dangerously wide, irises a thin sliver of copper that seemed to pulse and flash. A fresh shudder rippled up his spine.  Lack of oxygen, he told himself.  Surely.

“You need a doctor,” she whispered, searching her coat pockets and finally producing a phone in a chipped blue case.

He grasped her hand, shaking his head. “I don’t.”

“The hell you don’t,” she hissed. “You’re ill.”

“I know,” he said, and that stopped her. He sighed. “Just, please, trust me. An ambulance couldn’t make it through this mess anyway. No point. I’ll be fine in a minute, I just need to catch my breath.”

She stared him down, mouth set and grim. For a long, horrible moment he felt close to talking. To actually saying it. He hadn’t actually told anyone about the diagnosis. There was nobody to tell, and somehow that was the worst of it. He was going to die here alone in a shithole of a town thousands of miles from home, and nobody would know. Loneliness hit him in a crushing wave. He saw himself reflected in the dark of her eyes, drawn and pale and hopelessly lost.

And then she sighed, and his shoulders dropped, and the moment passed.

“What’s your name, Glasgow?” she asked finally.

“John. But mostly people call me the Doctor.” She gave him a funny look and he shrugged. “Old nickname. Long story.”

“No doctor for the Doctor, though?”

He shook his head, resolute.

“Well, then fuck that,” she said flatly. “Glasgow it is.”

He rasped a laugh that set him dangerously close to coughing again. “Suppose I’m supposed to just call you Blackpool, then?”

“It’s only fair.” She smiled tentatively. “But it’s Clara, for the record.”

- 12:03am

Blackpool - Clara - handed out hot water in little styrofoam cups. John followed behind with sachets of coffee and tea bags and tiny packets of sugar. London, who Blackpool said was named Bill, squealed happily when he produced a pyramid-shaped teabag out of his pocket.

“Oh that is gorgeous, you’re a lifesaver, mate.”

Blackpool had moved onto the driver, whose name tag was emblazoned with “MASTERS” in off-kilter lettering. His cheshire grin slipped sideways into a leer as she handed him the cup, his fingers lingering on hers a little too long.

“Cheers, love,” he said with an overblown wink and an equally overblown mockery of an English accent.

Blackpool’s face went stony, and she jerked back, moving on quickly to the elderly couple. The grin on Masters’ face spread even broader.

Bill fidgeted, her own smile fading fast. Her eyes flitted around like nervous hummingbirds, lighting on Blackpool, him, the ceiling, the floor. Anywhere but the driver. John clenched his jaw, hands making a decision for him before his brain stood a chance to intervene, accidentally fumbling the handful of coffee and sugar and knocking the cup of still-steaming water out of Masters’ hands and into his lap. The room was entirely too cold (and his kettle frankly a bit too crap) for the piddly amount of liquid to be hot enough to actually hurt him, but the man yowled like it was boiling.

“Ach, so sorry mate,” John crowed, playing up the Glasgow in his voice to the most ridiculous degree he could that still stopped short of Rab C. Nesbitt territory. “The cauld goes fae my joints, sorry, like, I’ll get ye some towels an’ a fresh cuppa, dinnae worry about it.”

He trotted back to the office, more than a little delighted at the sour look on the driver’s face. How’d that saying go? Like a rottweiler licking piss off a dandelion. That was the one. Beautiful.

- 12:15am

John ran out an extension cable and a power strip for the ones needing a charge for their phones, which unsurprisingly was all of them. Reception was shit, and the storm was only half of it. No wifi, either. He made apologies, gesturing at the desperately out of date equipment. “Give them another ten years, and they might actually catch onto the indoor plumbing fad.”

Blackpool gave him a wink and a thumbs up over the top of her phone. London rolled her eyes and lamented the absence of Netflix, rather loudly at that. Blackpool shook her head and set to poking half-heartedly at Candy Crush.

London wandered over, leaning back against the desk where John sat. She had apparently memorized the names of the other passengers and ticked them off to John as she sipped at her tea. She pointed out the elderly couple. “Melvin and Tilly. Their granddaughter just had her first baby, they’re going down to visit. Spiky hair over there is named Dan or Dave or maybe Doug, he talks a bit too fast for me to really catch it. The cougar with the long blonde hair is Susan; loves badminton, very straight though, shame. Oh, that over there, that’s Dee. Or D, like the letter, not sure which.”

“And of course, you’ve met Clara,” she gestured at Blackpool, who was still flicking through her phone. “Late twenties, maybe early thirties at a push. Used to be an English teacher back home, I think she said. Didn’t like talking about home though. Breakup or something, I dunno. There’s a sore spot there, I didn’t want to poke. I did learn, however, that she likes Jane Austen, souffles, and apparently, older men.” London tilted her head at him pointedly, amused by the way John’s gaunt cheeks colored as he stared fastidiously at his shoelaces. She tutted. “Oh you poor bugger. Five minutes in and you’ve already got it bad. Don’t worry, mate, same here.”

“I really d-”

“Oh like hell. You absolutely have, of course you have. I’m not stupid. And I mean it’s not like I can blame you. Look at ‘er.” She lifted her hands again at the other woman as if her existence was the only proof needed. In fairness, it probably was.

John nodded solemnly. “Alright. So what next, fisticuffs? Rifles at dawn? You can get in an early dig at my honor if you want, I’ll let you go first.”

She laughed. “Naw mate, she is way out of my league. Out of your league too, now that I think about it.” London put a playful elbow in his ribs. “She still likes you though. I can tell. Haven’t seen her smile at a single bloke until she saw you.”

He cleared his throat. “And uh, what about the driver? Masters. What’s the deal there?”

London’s smile evaporated. “He’s a prick,” she said flatly.

- 12:40am

“Alright, the suspense is killing me,” Blackpool said at last. She’d taken to pacing around the lounge with her phone in her hands and had veered out of her path to the front desk suddenly.

“I’m sorry?” he said, blinking.

“You said people called you the Doctor. Why?”

John waved a dismissive hand. “It’s really not that interesting, honestly.”

“C’mon.”

“Why do you want to know?”

She rolled her eyes, laughing. “Because I am dying of boredom. And because, quite frankly, I like listening to you talk.” John fumbled his pen. Blackpool didn’t seem to notice. She tilted her head. “How’s your cough, by the way? I suppose I shouldn’t bother you. Talking might actually be a bad idea….oh god, I am rambling aren’t I?”

“I hadn’t noticed,” he said dryly.

“Right. Well. I’ll just, uhm.” She motioned away.

“I had something of a reputation when I was younger,” he said suddenly, not really wanting to tell but wanting her to leave even less. “Drugs. College,” he shrugged. “Nothing terribly shocking, but also not very legal. Used to get folk turning up at all hours on my doorstep, worn out or strung out or heartbroken. I’d find the right remedy in my bag of tricks to calm them down, get them talking.”

“A stoner psychologist?”

“Basically.” He leaned back and spread his hands. “The Doctor is in.”

- 1:17am

Boredom took over rather quickly. D-or-Dee, a youth with a partially shaved head and a pocket full of quarters went around feeding coins into the slots of the tiny mounted TVs, looking for one that still worked. For awhile, several of them crowded around to catch the weather reports - snow, lots of; we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming - but it quickly became apparent that the only thing on this late was going to be infomercials and horrible sitcom reruns. The tiny knot of people dispersed, and the youth settled for twiddling the radio dials, trying to find a signal in the squelch and static.

“How do you manage alone here at night?” Blackpool said, leaning over the front desk and swirling the last dregs of her instant coffee as he scratched at a newspaper with a pen. “This place is practically prehistoric. I keep waiting for a dinosaur to jump out of the ladies’ and come charging out to eat us.”

“Alas, it’s never been quite that interesting. But I manage, mostly.” John wiggled his pen at the desktop, heavily populated with familiar nightshift detritus: thin paperbacks (Vonnegut and Iain M. Banks stuff mostly), crosswords, at least three newspapers, and an mp3 player half-hidden under a pack of L&M cigarettes. A stack of monitors to his right showed crackly footage from security cameras in the station; two from the lounge, one in the hall by the lavs, and two outside at the front and back entrances. He gave them a cursory glance and saw nothing amiss. Then looked again, brows knitting together. That wasn’t entirely true. Something wasn’t quite right, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He checked the doors again and did a head count, lost count, tried again, distracted by the way Masters was leaning over three chairs to talk to London, who was resolutely ignoring him. John felt the first twinge of a headache at his temples. What the hell was he missing?

And then Blackpool’s arm darted in front of him and grabbed the mp3 player and the cigarettes in one quick swoop that left him blinking.

“Oi, Quick Draw McGraw, give over!”

Blackpool shook the cigarette pack and gave him a disapproving glare. “Seriously?”

He scowled. She seemed to bring that out in him. “I’m old enough, miss, honest. I’ve got ID, I can prove it, even.”

“These can’t be doing your lungs any favors.”

“When did you turn into my mother?”

“Well, if you’re going to be like that I guess I’ll just have to take your toys away,” she said coolly, slipping them into her pocket.

John scoffed. “You really want to be stuck in here with a crotchety old bugger going off nicotine? Trust me, it won’t be pretty.”

“You ought to take better care of yourself, y’know.” The playfulness hadn’t gone, not entirely, but there was a genuine edge of concern.

John felt heat creep up his face and grumbled, fiddling with his hair. That inexplicable urge to tell her hit him again. Christ, he was pathetic. Was this all it took? A pretty face and a kind word, and he was ready to fall on his knees and confess. It was a sin anyway, wasn’t it? Suicide by inaction. Jesus. Get ahold of yourself for fuck’s sake.

Blackpool held up the mp3 player. “Got anything good in here?”

“Depends on your definition of good.”

Music warbled faintly from the earbuds as she shuffled through his playlist. “Bowie. Lots of Bowie.  Miles Davis.  Screaming Trees. And...Peter Andre?” She gave him a look that was just a hair’s breadth away from mocking.

“It got stuck in my head, ok? It was either download it or put a plastic spork in my ear.”

She laughed, properly laughed, round face all crinkled up, rocking on her elbows. Any indignance he might’ve felt fled immediately. He watched her laugh and felt a little of the malaise drain from his limbs.

Blackpool shook her head at him, eyes sparkling. “Well, that’s good to see.”

“What?”

“You. Smilin’.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. He hadn’t even realized.

She patted his hand. A fleeting touch, but enough to make his heart catch almost painfully. “It looks good on you,” she said.

“Oh, flattering an old man,” he said. “If you’re here for my many many riches, as clearly evidenced by my glamorous, high-paying position, I’m afraid I have bad news.”

“Shut up,” she smacked his shoulder lightly.

“I just thought you should be aware!” he carried on, blustering his way through the blush that wanted to creep up his cheeks again.

A sudden burst of static made the both of them jump. D-or-Dee cheered happily, having finally found a radio signal that wasn’t just weather reports or bad country music. Violin strings cut through the crackle and pop in a lilting swell. A guitar crawled in in response, sweet and slow as molasses. John recognized it, an old Fleetwood Mac tune from the Peter Green days.

Melvin, the old guy, was on his feet suddenly, tugging at his wife’s arm. Tilly cackled, called him a sentimental old goat. And then she went to him, smiling sweetly, hands clasped together, one arm on his shoulder. They revolved slowly, beaming at one another.

A few others joined them, Dave/Dan/Doug, the youngish fellow with spiky hair, offered his hand to Susan, a woman about John’s age who laughed musically and joked about breaking her hip, but went anyway. D-or-Dee snatched up London even as Masters was moving closer and twirled her away while the driver was left sneering. A cold little prickle crawled up the back of John’s neck as he locked eyes with the driver. He was going to be trouble. Before sun up, John was certain, he would be trouble.

Blackpool’s hand was on his again, her eyes locked mistily on the elderly couple. “Dance with me?” she asked suddenly.

He sputtered, half-laughing, an immediate refusal on his lips, but then she turned her head and he saw the tears in her eyes. He knew that look. It wasn’t wistfulness but hurt, like an old wound had suddenly reopened. John felt his heart perched on the edge of something he didn’t want to name, teetering, ready to fall. He could let it, knowing at once he’d give anything to take away whatever pain had filled her, and chastised himself for the foolishness.

As if he could. The plows would go out in the morning and she would be on another bus and that would be it. And anyway, he was old enough to be her father and not likely to see the last snows of the season melt. Nothing lasted, not ever. The kid turned the music up, and John felt it working in his chest. A little miracle, a little spark crackling away inside. Old and battered and still playing something sweet and strong enough to make him feel. Maybe that wasn’t all the music. Maybe.

Nothing lasted, but maybe it didn’t have to last to be worth it.

John squeezed her hand once and made for the door. The security monitors dragged his attention for a split second, but he kept moving. Whatever it was, it could wait another five minutes. Blackpool held her arms out as he rounded the desk. He hesitated, swallowing hard. People were watching. London looked at once hopelessly amused and somehow proud. She grinned at him and popped a double thumbs-up, giggling. The driver looked significantly less pleased. The man’s face had gone rat-like and sour, staring at them both with such utter contempt John could almost feel it on his skin, slippery and unpleasant like motor oil.

But Blackpool’s eyes were turned up to him, wide and dark and too full. You wave and you wave with your wide lovely eyes ran through his head with a kind of sick-sweet flush. He went to her. London pumped her fist discretely in triumph.

“You’re cold,” he said as she curled around his shoulder.

“I’m alright.” She took his left hand with her right. Should’ve felt odd. Probably. It didn’t. She led and he followed, trying to pretend he was more than a gangly wreck of limbs and mad silver hair.

She settled against him, fingers worrying over the ring on his hand. “I hope I’m not,” she paused, pressed her face to his jacket, tried to start again. “I dunno, overstepping or something. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to put the mack on a married man.”

His eyebrows flew up. “You’re putting the mack on me now, are you?”

“Shut up,” she said, but there was a chuckle in it.

“I’m not married anymore. It’s sentiment, I suppose. Maybe just habit by now. Just never taken it off.”

She looked up at him, searching his face as if looking for the answer to something she didn’t quite want to ask. She seemed to find it. He could guess; a ghost of that same hurt he’d seen in her face. “I’m sorry,” she said.

John’s mouth went painfully dry. “You too, eh?” he asked.

She nodded. “We weren’t married,” she said, so quiet he could just barely hear her over the music. “But he was going to propose.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Her breath hitched, and she swayed a little in his arms, head down low on his shoulder. John turned them slowly, putting his back to the room, giving her what little privacy he could. He stared out the window. The snow was coming down harder, big fat snowballs of the stuff forming new drifts in the track he had cleared. The sky outside was a dull, muddied pink, the snow drifts colored orange in the streetlights. Blackpool wept discreetly, not making a sound, but he felt tears soak through his hoodie to his t-shirt, and wondered that even those felt cold. He pressed his hand into the small of her back, thumb rubbing absently against her spine, and he tucked the top of her head under his chin. She smelled faintly of lilac soap and deep, bitter chocolate.

“Thank you,” she said as the song ended.

“What for?”

“For being kind.” She looked up at him again, and he watched the last of her tears spill down her cheeks. “That’s rarer than it ought to be.”

A commercial for Thompson’s Water Seal replaced Peter Green, and the other pairs drifted apart. John barely noticed. Her eyes skimmed down over his face, pausing long enough at his lips to make his heart beat faster. She couldn’t possibly...

A cracking from outside made his head snap up, and John watched as a heavy branch bowed over the power lines, cracking and popping. He swore, dropping his hand to his belt where his maglite hung, just as the branch gave way and fell.

In the split second before the darkness descended, John finally registered what had been wrong with the cctv feed. As light as it was outside, even at this hour, the inside of the station was brighter, and he saw himself reflected in the plate glass of the sliding doors. Six feet of wiry thin Scot. Face a little too long, a little too drawn now, but eyes as bright and cold as the night outside. His hands hovered in midair, clasping nothingness.

Of the woman in his arms, there was no sign. Blackpool had no reflection.

[shleezaemour]

Yet another 3 days in the infirmary fic!!

I followed him. It was stupid I know but I followed the stupid blonde to the infirmary. My blue eyed captor smiling his brightest smile luring me into a confined corner. Part of me wanted to be normal. Wanted to enjoy the attention. I wasn't raised that way. Not by my mother and not by myself. Setting me up in a corner of the infirmary, turns out Will had everything all planned out. It was concerning. "Ok so here's your room you will be here for three days minimum until I deem you fit for camp. First we are going to do a routine check up and get a history on you. From what I pulled from your records we don't have anything from the last four years but it seems we still have stuff from when you and your sister first arrived." Bianca. Will knew about Bianca.... "Yeah well not much has changed." "I'll be the judge of that sir. Ok I need you to strip down. First shirt then pants. You may keep your underwear on." "Is this really necessary?" "Yes I need to make sure everything is ok Nico. I promise I'm not just trying to get you naked. " I blushed at the idea. Breathe Nico breathe it's just a doctor exam. I took off my clothes and sat on the white canvas cot all made up for me. The ones here in the back were bigger. Must be for stays longer than a night. Taking his time and moving slowly Will moved around me like I was a feral animal. Must be used to kids with PTSD. Kids who look at their swords a little to long and pull from sheath from the sound of a dinner plate breaking. Coming over he sat on a low wooden stool setting out medical implements in a neat row. The more he organized the more nervous I became. I fought monsters and gods and yet Will Solace lining up reflex testers and swabs made me start shaking. Looking me over I could feel his blue orbs absorbing everything from my body. In all honesty I haven't been this undressed in a very long time especially not with someone looking at me. Long warm fingertips grazed my scars. I had so many from the years. Wordlessly he went to work on the Lycon scratches. Mumbling about taking out the stitches and redoing them. "Nico I need to do something and it's going to hurt a lot. I need you to hold still can you do that?" "Yes of course." "Would you like something to bite on? I have a belt." "No I can take it." "Ok. " Pressing his hands on the marks heat swarmed in the area ripping my skin apart. He was reversing what had already healed to the original state of the scratches. The stitches broke as he did this snapping off, barely noticeable compared to the rest of the pain. I could feel blood running down my back. I didn't scream. I didn't even make noise. Taking a hot pad he staunched the bleeding. Grabbing the tools from the table he prepped the area. "I'm going to put some stuff in these to numb them then I'll redo the stitch work." I nodded silently afraid to open my mouth, who knew what would fly out. Will was so concentrated when he worked like nothing could pull his attention away from what he was doing. I had never seen such focus. Especially not in the ADHD hub of people we were around. "What was it you used to numb it?" "Cocaine" "WHAT!" "Geez deathboy it was a joke. It was powered unicorn horn." "Oh good." "Are you saying you have used cocaine?" I was silent. "Nico, I need to know certain things for medical use and drug use is one of them. I'm a doctor for all intents and purposes I can't and won't talk to anyone about it. I need to know for drug interaction though." Damn him and his using logic against me. "I ugh.. I've used it before. And pain pills the mortal kind." "Like Motrin pain meds or like Percocet?" "Vicodin and Oxy." "Last time you took these?" "Before the Doors of death and right after I boarded the Argo II. I ran out." "Did you go through withdrawals?" He asked calmly. "No I've never really been on them regularly enough to withdrawal." "Are these used recreationally?" "Yes." I admitted pitifully. "Hey stop that!" He held his fingers below my chin not allowing me to look down. "Nico, you are not the first demi God to self medicate. You are also not the last. It's ok. We have all done it. Let's just hope we can make it so you don't have to anymore ok?" "It's just... I'm so tired of being in pain all the time." "I know. I can see that. You have so many marks it's hard to count. I finished your stitches they should be able to come out tomorrow with some ambrosia and nectar. I also want to do a sleeping draught for you. I promise it's dreamless. I made it myself." "You promise?" "Yes. I have some in pill form too for you to take with you when you leave. I think two months worth should do the trick. Let your mind heal for a while." "Why are you being so nice to me?" "Because you are letting me." Once again the smile creeped on his face and I couldn't help but smile too. "Ok question time. How many bones have you broken?" "Around 17 or more." "Ok on a scale of 1-10 how tired would you say you get traveling from here to your cabin. Shadow travel that is?" "Umm wow I've never thought about that I guess a 1?" "Ok so that gives me an idea of how far you can go. Do you have an example for me or can give me any insight on your traveling? No other campers can do it so I need your help on this one." "Ok um... I can cross state lines pretty easily. More than 200 miles at a time I need a nights rest by myself. Taking others is more wary. In and around camp is very easy no fatigue. Zero fatigue in the underworld. I can visit my dad easily. " "Ok so let's put a no travel ban on you for a month until you restore your strength. That includes skeletons and earth fissures." "You say that so calmly like you have heard this all before." "Well you would be surprised at some of the powers we run into here. You, Percy, Thalia, and Jason are he most powerful though." "Wait no Annabeth?" "Nope she's no better off than the rest of her siblings. She just happens to have more clout and experience. Makes her seem more powerful when really it's just the confidence behind it." "Makes sense." "Ok I'm hooking up your IV and you will be sleeping very soon." Taking his time and small pinch later he had me hooked up and feeling... feeling really good. I was getting drowsy pulling the covers over me. "Hey Nico?" Yawn.."yeah" "You are staying right? At camp I mean?" "I'll try. I'll give it a real try." "Ok" And I drifted off with thoughts of blonde curls and lapis blue eyes. Day 2 Waking up I could feel the warm covers soft on my skin. My eyes heavy with sleep practically stuck together. "Wake up deathboy time to do checks!" I felt a swat on my behind. "Whoa dude watch the merchandise!" "Merchandise? Are you for sale?" I blushed. "I'm going to reach for your hand now." Taking my hand he looked like he was reading my pulse and other vitals. "Why did you warn me that you were going to touch me." "Cause I didn't want my hand broken." "You just touched my ass and you warn me about my hand." I drawled with sarcasm. "Yeah well I had to get you moving and I knew you wouldn't see it coming. Tell me who else at this camp would even dare try to touch your backside?" "No one unless they have a death wish." "Yeah well see?" "Do you have a death wish?" "Nah but unlike everyone else, I'm not afraid of you." "Oh yeah why is that?" "Because I carried you across camp on my shoulders dangling like a rag doll. You are about the size of a pack of gum." "Oh yeah, short jokes?" "Well I'm sure you have a nice store of blonde jokes you can battle back at me with." He winked. The wink sent a jolt up my spine and made my face flush. "I'll take your blush as a lack of blonde jokes. No worries I know them all!" "Great." "Well we are going to eat now so sit up." Sitting up he had some fruit and oatmeal for me along with a square of ambrosia. Tossing the ambrosia back first I tasted lemon cello cookies. I tried to eat but found it difficult. The apples felt like glass in my mouth. Will saw me struggling with the food. "Hey uh how about we try something else?" "Sure that would be great." Returning ten minutes later after he took the food, he had a large glass of pinkish purple liquid. "It's called a smoothie. " Taking a sip I could taste blackberries mixed with banana and strawberry. It was heavenly. Perfect texture. " I put protein powder in it. Maybe we should think about doing these to put some weight on you before moving into more solid foods." "How did you know?" "Percy. He told me you went through Tartarus. Chiron said he knew a few guys who went through it. Not many escaped alive. He said there is nothing to eat there. He also said that it tricks you into thinking you have food when you don't and you are not really eating what you think you are eating." "Yeah. Something like that." "So until we can get your stomach straight we will do these. No worries we can switch up flavors." "Thanks Will." "Yeah no problem buddy." He ruffled my hair causing me to curse at him in Italian. "Oh none of that now! You were being so good!" "That was before you started treating me like a Labrador that took his treat nice." "Ok no petting you. I think within a month we can have you filling out those tshirts of yours nice. You have a great body already you just need a little weight." "Is this what our friendship is going to be? You and I bickering and making lewd comments about my body?" "Awww did you just call us friends!" "No no no! That's not what I said!" "You did, you totally did!" "Nope you misheard me, my English isn't great." "Your English is fine. Well except how you say my name but I find it kinda charming." "What's that supposed to mean?" "You don't call me Will you say Weel. It's adorable!" "I am not adorable!" "You bickering about it just makes it's more adorable." "I hate you." "What was that? I didn't hear you?" "Oh so English isn't working here I'll help you! ti odio-Italian Daikirai- Japanese ich hasse dich- German je te deteste- French That enough for you or shall I continue?!" "How many languages do you speak?" "Eleven" "Wow! Where did you learn them?" "I would shadow travel a lot ending up in different countries. You pick things up." "That's actually really cool. Would you be willing to come translate when we get new demigods that don't speak English?" "Oh uh yeah sure that's fine. I didn't really think you would want me in here after I'm discharged. The aura of death isn't great in a place of healing." Will sat on the bed and took my hand. Wills hands were strong and warm. Callused over from training and healing. My heart began to race as he touched me. What was wrong with me!! "Death is a natural part of life Nico. I understand that. I've seen more death than most demigods. I was in the last war. My brothers died. Many died under my hands as I tried to bring them back. I'm roughly the same age as you. If people don't understand that then.. well screw them." Wills face was serious and had this little V that formed when he frowned. "Don't frown Will." "Sorry." He tried for a small smile. It was cute. CUTE!! What was this dude doing to me! I snatched my hand back quickly only leaving him chuckling. The rest of the day Will would come in and out of my room. Jason brought me some clothes from my cabin. Sitting with me on the cot we played cards for most of the afternoon. "So how's the vacation?" "I wouldn't call this a vacation. I can't travel for a month. After that I'm thinking maybe a real one would be nice. Maybe Jamaica. " "You hate the sun." "Yeah well maybe I've been in the dark to long." "Sounds like Goldie locks is rubbing off on you." "I don't know what you are talking about. And you are Goldie locks in my head." "Aww you have a nickname for me in your head!" "Why is everyone doing that!?" "Doing what?" "Doing the Awww Nico likes me bit." "You like me!" "Shut the fuck up Grace!" "Language Nico!" Wills voice chimed in as he walked threw the partition. "I seriously need to rid my life of blondes." "Oh gods Grace what did you say to him." "I did the awww Nico likes me thing." "Yeah I did that when he called us friends." "I did not call us friends we are not friends!" "We are so friends, we are best friends." "Yeah we'll go fish best friend." I said with acid dripping from my mouth. (Later that night...) Wills POV I heard thrashing from the back corner of my infirmary. Running back I realized it was Nico. The IV I had him on came loose in his sleep! Shit! A nightmare! Plugging his IV back in his arm I started to rush his hair back out of his eyes. Nico dreams in Italian it seems from the mumbled words coming from his lips. Soon he started to settle, maybe even waking up a little. "Will..? Is that you." He said sleepily not even opening his eyes. "Yeah it's me. Your IV fell out but I put it back." I whispered. "Oh good... will you stay with me incase he comes back?" " Yeah sweetie I'll stay." I took his hand. I know it seems presumptuous to call him sweetie but I was tired and I was used to scared patients. They like endearments when they are scared. Nico must have been sleep talking because he didn't even budge at my words. I took his hand clasping it in my own. Fingers long and thin like a piano player or a violinist. More scarred and callused than any warrior I've treated. Honestly he is probably the most broken of anyone I've treated. Asleep his name fit him perfectly. Angelic was the only word. He has those big heavy lidded eyes and pouty lips that drive me crazy. I've had it bad for this boy for years now and this may be my only chance to indulge in this kind of contact. Soon I fell asleep still holding his hand. Day three Nicos POV I woke up with something hot in my hand, almost burning compared to my naturally low body temp. Wills hand. I almost snatched it back until I realized he was asleep. Hmmm he's a quiet sleeper even sitting up in the chair? I allowed myself a few moments of daydreaming. Will was really attractive. I hated to admit that but he was. Also he wasn't afraid of me the way others were. I liked that. I pushed him away countless times yet, bam here he is holding my hand. I tried to remember how this could have happened.... the nightmare! My IV fell out that's right! Did I? Did I ask him to stay? I did. Shit! Well to late now. I circled my thumb across his palm. Smooth and even. Not scarred like me. I've seen him with his shirt off at the beach once before too. Will was smooth and unmarked everywhere. Perfection if there is such a thing. Why was I feeling this way it's not like we haven't spent a bunch of time together. We have only really interacted like five or so times before this. Of course that just made me realize how much I have noticed him in the past. Looks like I have a thing for nice tans and light eyes. Never really liked blondes but on someone like him it looks really good. Reminded me of his father but less selfish. Will was upbeat and humble. Qualities that are worth prizing. Will Solace should be shadow boxed and put on display. Damn this is worse than Percy. Stirring in his seat I decided to play possum so I could still hold his hand. Closing my eyes I stayed still listening to his movements. Instead of bringing his hand back he rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. Readjusting his hand he laced our fingers and began rubbing small circles on the tender flesh of my inner wrist. The motion was doing things to me. When I was little I remember this being a very forward gesture. A man would flick the button of s woman's glove open and caress the veins of her wrist. It was the equivalent of putting your hand up a girls blouse in public nowadays. I may be wrong... but I think he might like me.

[rohnjaymiller]

The Sunday After Surgery

Monday morning one of the leading spine surgeons in the US performed a two hour procedure on my lower four vertebrae.

Over the past 60 years these lower vertebrae had gradually pushed down on each other until there were practically no disk pads between them.  The CAT scan looked like a train wreck.  

As you can see by comparison to the upper vertebrae, the lower vertebrae have become misshapen over time, growing long flanges and chipping at each other form odd openings  and uneven surfaces:

Five months ago, on a Saturday, I spent the afternoon writing at my desk at home.  I was focused on the work for more than four hours.  Finally I stood up and as I did I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower right back.  That was one of my spinal nerves, which extend laterally out from the spinal cord.  It had moved from one of the holes between two of the vertebrae and was being pinched between them.

The pain never went away and within a few days I was crippled, unable to put pressure on the leg without a shooting pain screaming down my leg from the point where the spinal nerve was pinched.

Eventually a second nerve was pinched.  I tried a series of cortisone injections which provided only temporary relief.  It was clear i needed an operation.  

Technically it was two procedures.  The first, called a laminectomy, removes the back of the vertebrae, and spreads them apart, creating more room in the spinal canal. 

The second was a discectomy, where a portion of a disk is removed along with some disk bone to provide relief to specific areas where nerves are pinched.  I had two discectomies at L4 and L5 and at L2 and L3.  

The morning of the surgery at Abbott Northwestern Hospital I was lying on the gurney bed, with a saline IV drip going into a vein in my left hand.  The nurse anesthetist came in a matter of factly said, "I'm going to give you something to relax you before we go into surgery."

Fine.  A few moments passed, and then bam!

I was in the recovery room.  It was three hours later.  The surgery was done.   

I couldn't feel the incision in my back.  In fact, after 45 minutes, I felt fine.  I was dying of thirst, so they fed me soft ice chips.  The nurse attending me called my surgeon's assistant in the operating room where the second proceedure of the day was going on. After some back and forth about my vitals, the nurse hung up.

"You're going home today," she announced.  

What? I was dumbfounded.  Released the same day of spinal surgery? 

They wheeled me in my bed out of the recovery room and into a private room so I could change.  As we pushed along the hallway my surgeon, Dr. Schwender, was walking in the opposite direction, coming from the second operation.

We stopped and he briefed me.  He could see clearly where the serve were pinching so he opened up the back of the vertebrae through laminectomy, then performed two discectomies to create "nice, big holes for the spinal nerves."

"This went much better than I expected," he said, shaking my hand.  "Just take it easy for awhile, okay?"

Okay.  I dressed in a room and called all the people who were planning to visit me in the hospital that night, including my estranged wife Claire and our 14-year old daughter Lucia.

One final detail was that I had to pee.  General anesthetic shuts down the stomach and other bodily functions, so it's important especially in men over the age of 50 that the patient pees to prove that system is running well.

I had tried to pee in the recovery room, but with four other patients plus nurses in the room the mood just wasn't right.  So they inserted a catheter into my penis--perhaps twice the shrieking pain I had suffered with the pinched nerves.  But once in I drained more than 800ccs of urine.

Now I  stood in a private bathroom, fully clothed, unable to pee.  Finally a few drops emerged.  The nurse check my bladder with a sonogram and determined the problem--I had nothing in my bladder after being drained in the recovery room.

So home I went.

[elsdell]

Ruthless (Part IV)

‘Ruthless’ Summary Follow Rufio’s story from the day he arrived in Neverland to the day of his death. A story in which, you could say, Peter and Wendy Pan become true parents. Part IV Summary In which Rufio has a nightmare of his death and it seems so real. It follows an unnaturally consistent pattern that worries Wendy. But, sworn to secrecy, Wendy cannot voice her worries to her king. However, talk of an adventure to another realm could threaten to change that...

Disclaimer! This part of ‘Ruthless’ contains a song that doesn’t belong to me. It’s called ‘Constant as the Stars Above’ performed by Jessica Brown and written by Rob Hudnut and Arnie Roth. I’m sure some of you have heard it ;) Just had to put it out there and give credit to the original artist and writers for copyright reasons - just to be on the safe side! 

For a time all was well, ever since the dreadful pirate’s visit that had gone by unnoticed. Not even Peter Pan, the powerful boy-king, had sensed him; the pirate was indeed skilful in the art of necromancy and knew a thing or two about cloaking one’s presence. But it took particular skill to be able to disguise one’s presence from another, equally formidable, worthy opponent so that the caster went by undetected. 

Days turned into weeks and something was yet to happen - whatever Blackbeard was planning, anyway. Peter continued to train his warriors in the form of games. He continued with his competitions to see who could fire an arrow the furthest and closest to the target, who could combat with all Lost Boys, including Peter himself, and come out on top, who would be the next Lost Boy to bring back a decent and succulent piece of meat. These competitions had been made tougher since that night because, yes, Peter hadn’t managed to detect the pirate’s presence, but he could sense a storm brewing. Although what specific type of storm, was beyond him. If the Shadow knew anything, it didn’t say and Peter didn’t ask because he was confident that if the Shadow sensed the precise threat laying in wait, so would he. 

All the while Peter was suspicious of his gut-feeling, he kept it to himself. It wasn’t exactly a thought that was at the front of his mind - not when he couldn’t even sense what the brewing storm was, anyway. Maybe it was nothing. 

Meanwhile, his adopted son was facing a nightmare of his own. It first occurred on a mild night hardly indifferent to any other night in Neverland. Although a strange wind had maintained its presence in the air for a while (it may have happened ever since Peter first sensed a mysterious brewing storm), no one paid it any mind.

Rufio was tossing, turning, mumbling incoherently in his sleep, a thin sheen of sweat slowly forming on his olive forehead. None of his brothers paid any heed to the behaviour (Rufio had never talked in his sleep before), all too caught up in their own dreams, his mumblings drowned out by some of the Lost Boys’ snores. If only they knew of what images the Astral Realm were showing him...

Everything was a blur. The commotion that consisted of shouts, cries of pain, pants of near-exhaustion, and rapid movements seemed distant to the boy as he looked about the...ship...in confusion, attempting to take in his surroundings. But the edges of his vision were cloudy, the commotion that Rufio couldn’t quite comprehend murky. However, whatever platform he was on was large enough for him to make out the colours and the shape. Brown wood...an oblong shape...the Jolly Roger? It had to be.  Suddenly, as if only just noticing, Rufio felt his hand clenched into a fist as it held something in it. He looked down to see what he was holding: a blade! And he was in his combatting stance, which could only mean... As if on cue, the boy looked up to find himself facing an opponent, although the opponent’s figure was merely a dark silhouette.  All of a sudden, the figure inched nearer and before Rufio knew it, he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. The pain flared up in his body, intensifying so much that he could no longer stand. Had he been impaled?  That seemed highly likely as, sure enough, he was looking up, staring into the eyes of who was likely his opponent. Blue. Blue eyes.  From there, everything became murkier - if at all possible - than before, the only shapes he could make out from there were the ones within close range to his line of vision. A girl’s cry - or scream, it was hard to tell - of outrage, agony, despair...those blue eyes disappeared, followed by the sound of two swords clashing furiously...another pair of eyes came into Rufio’s view, although not the same ones as before. Brown. They were big brown eyes and he’d recognise those anywhere. They were Mother’s. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as he felt himself being cradled, probably in her arms, and she was saying something - but Rufio couldn’t quite make it out. He wanted to assure her he was fine, tell her not to fuss, but as he opened his mouth, he found nothing would come out.  Then, a pair of green eyes joined Mother’s. Father’s. His eyes...they expressed everything his body could never show, they spoke all the words he could never say.  And, just like that, just as quickly as he’d been sucked into such a nightmare, Rufio found his body floating up into the air. Although, he then found himself looking down at the ship, at the ant-sized figures, only really focusing on Mother and Father kneeling by his limp body. He held out his hand, attempting to float back down and tell them that he was fine, but an invisible force persisted. He was floating further and further away...

Dark eyes shot open. Olive skin was damp. Black hair with red streaks was sticking up in all directions. Hands were clamped into fists with the sheet made of an animal’s fur inside them, clasped in a vice grip. His chest heaved as Rufio gasped, his throat scratching for air, clawing for the breath he’d lost. It all seemed so real...the nightmare. So vivid, the ache from where, Rufio gathered, he’d been impaled still dying down.  

For minutes on end, Rufio laid there, staring up at the hammock above his, trying to gather his thoughts. For minutes, he tried to push that nightmare to the back of his mind. 

Finally, he fists released the sheet and he slammed them against it.  Nothing. Nothing was working. Those vivid images were still there, taunting him. Not only had he’d lost a combat against a...pirate? It had to be! He’d also lost his life to said pirate. He could still feel the dull ache that made his stomach twitch in discomfort. Never had a dream been so real to him - good or bad. For once in a long time, he needed reassurance. He needed to feel safe, reassured that it was a dream. A dream and nothing more. He needed a peace of mind so that he could fall back to sleep - hopefully drift off to a more peaceful sleep. He needed...Mother. 

Sitting up decisively, Rufio put his foot down. He was going to go to Mother. Moving slowly so as not to alert his brothers, he slid his legs round until they hung over the edge of the hammock, his boots touching Camp’s soil. Pushing himself up off his makeshift bed as cautiously, carefully and gently as he could, he straightened himself up and padded across Camp, heading for the edge of the clearing. Once he reached it, Rufio glanced back behind him. A few had stirred, shifted in their sleep - perhaps from the little noise Rufio had made - but none awoke. Not even Felix, as Rufio glanced over at the tall fair-haired boy, who was always on his guard, always alert to the slightest of movements and sounds. Father must have worked him hard today, the dark-haired boy thought to himself. After scanning over Camp one last time and gaining the satisfaction that no one had awakened, that none of his brothers had pretended to sleep so as to catch him off-guard just as he was close to leaving, Rufio finally nodded and turned resolutely, disappearing into the jungle. 

On his way to his adoptive mother’s cave, Rufio thought, contemplated. He actually considered telling Father as well. But then his conscience advised against it. All Father would do would be to leave the cave, head back to Camp, go back to sleep and face the nightmare. Be brave, be a warrior, show the nightmare what made him a lost boy. But, as well as a lost boy who followed orders, Rufio was also a smart boy. His mother had taught him how to know what he needed, how to tell the difference from his wants to his needs.  Right at that moment, yes, Rufio wanted to be treated as his brothers would, talked back down to reality. But, he needed comfort. This was the first vivid nightmare he’d had and a mother’s touch was what could, perhaps, give hint hat comfort. 

With those thoughts in mind, he knew what he was to do. Rufio was going to enter his mother’s cave and seek out the comfort he needed, and would do his best to avoid bothering Father about his nightmare. 

Gradually, the boy reached the mouth of the cave. Looking over both shoulders, making sure that he wasn’t followed, he padded through the cave one quiet step at a time, doing his best to prevent his footsteps reverberating, echoing straight through to Father’s ears. 

Eventually, Rufio came to Mother’s room and crept inside. He craned his neck, checking that both were decent. Just as he’d hoped, both were fully clothed - well, disregarding Peter’s clothes for his torso and his boots, of course - and their backs were facing each other. This made Rufio’s task all the more easier.  Shifting his eyes in Peter’s direction, the boy waited until he was sure that Father was sound asleep before he tip-toed across the floor, round to Mother’s side of the bed. 

Once there, he crouched down until he was level with her serene, dormant face and lifted his hand to gently shake her awake. He knew that if he shook her roughly, she would jolt awake, alerting Peter awake also. And that was one of the things Rufio didn’t want.  After careful coaxing, eyelashes fluttered and eyelids peeled open, revealing warm big brown eyes. Although giving her adopted son a small smile, Wendy’s brow furrowed in confusion. They spoke in hushed tones.  

Rufio...what’s wrong? she asked curiously in a quiet voice. He never entered her room at night anymore. 

I...I couldn’t sleep... he whispered, ashamed to admit it as he ran a hand through his hair. 

Why not? 

I...I had a...a nightmare... 

The girl’s slight smile broke into a full, warm, comforting, motherly smile. She slowly lifted herself up into a sitting position and spread out her arms. Rufio welcomed the gesture and moved into her embrace, closing his eyes with his chin on her shoulder as she ran her fingers through his damp hair. 

Was it that bad? she asked softly. 

He lifted his head, pulling away slightly, although not completely out of her arms, and nodded, pouting like the child he used to be, who could hardly walk. Then, he pulled away completely and glanced over her shoulder to check that Peter was still asleep.  Following his gaze, Wendy instantly understood. 

Come on, she said gently, gesturing with her head to the exit of her room, holding out her hand. 

Had it been any other time, without the nightmare at the forefront of his mind, Rufio would have kindly rejected the offer. But, this was not any other time, and this was just after one of the most vivid nightmares he’d ever had, so Rufio took her hand and she slipped her legs out of the bed. Once on her feet, Wendy slipped on her knee-high boots with only one hand before leading the way out of the room, and out of her cave. 

The girl led her son away from the jungle and more towards Neverland’s coast. She was first to sit down not he edge of a cliff that overlooked the glistening dark sea, a ribbon of silver moonlight stretching across it, towards the pair, the jungle behind them. She turned her head and, upon finding Rufio still standing, she gestured with her head for him to sit beside her. He obeyed but, feeling tiredness overtake his body, he slumped down until his head was in her lap. She caressed his hair in a soothing motion, but it wasn’t enough to coax him back to sleep. The nightmare was too stubborn to retreat to the back of his mind and grant him that. 

Sensing it wasn’t working, although still running her fingers through his hair, she asked: 

Do you want to talk about it? 

The boy shook his head - well, as much as he could with his head resting on Mother’s lap. Like Peter, he was too proud to show vulnerability so easily. 

Mm-mm. 

Wendy internally sighed in frustration. Why were her boys so prideful? 

Was it that bad? 

He nodded. 

After a few minutes, he relented. After all, who else was there to hear? He needed to get it off his chest and if there was one person whom he could confide in, it was Mother. 

I died, Ma. 

How did you die? she asked, knowing full well he was referring to his nightmare. 

I was stabbed and I died. I was killed by a...pirate, he spat the word out in disgust. From there, he gave the details of the nightmare, leaving nothing out, finding himself unable to stop. 

Wendy listened carefully to every last bit of detail he gave her. By the end of it, she felt the white fabric of her high-low dress moistening a little. He was crying. 

Sh-sh-ssh...it’s all right, Rufio. You’re safe now. As long as Father and I are around, we will never let that happen to you. Neither will you brothers; we all look out for each other. You’re safe, sweetheart, it was just a nightmare. 

I still can’t sleep. It felt too real, he admitted with another pout, his defences crumbling - although only for Mother, only ever for Mother. 

Maybe I can help, she offered, a small trick she’d yet to put back into practice from when Rufio was just an infant already in mind. 

H-how? he managed with curiosity while quietly sniffling. 

A lullaby. I used to sing it to you when you were a baby. Whenever you used to wake up crying and you weren’t hungry or didn’t need...cleaning...I’d sing it to you and you would go back to sleep. 

How does it go? he asked, too prideful to admit he wanted - maybe needed - to hear it. 

Hmm...let me see if I can remember it... 

Of course she could remember it. How could she forget what she used to use to lull her baby to sleep? But, she was modest. Despite her acting like she may have trouble remembering, she recounted the lullaby word for word, tune for tune...

A/N: here is the song. It’s from Barbie as Rapunzel. Don’t judge - it’s a Barbie movie CLASSIC that I used to watch in my childhood days :P 

Constant as the stars above Always know that you are loved And my love shining in you Will help you make your dreams come true   Will help your dreams come true 

The lamb lies down and rests it’s head Rufio unintentionally, and unwillingly, elicited a yawn, lazily covering his mouth with his hand before it dropped back down to his side.   On it’s mother’s downy bed Wendy smiled down at him, catching the yawn despite his efforts to hide it.   Dolphin plays in the moonlight’s glow Despite the possibility of it being a mermaid instead of a dolphin, Wendy was awestruck by the creature that leapt out of the sea then dove back under the sea, through the ribbon of wavy, silvery light. Rufio missed it because of his closed eyes.   And butterfly dreams of a violet rose  Dreams of a violet rose 

I’ll cradle you in my arms tonight  Upon that line, Rufio’s eyes peeled open and he stared up in awe at Mother.  As sun embraces the moonlight  Catching his stare, Wendy returned his smile, but didn’t stop singing.  The clouds will carry us off tonight  Rufio returned to facing the sea, eyelids growing heavy again, just as thin shreds of cloud glided over the moon until they left it uncovered again.  Our dreams will run deep like the sea  Our dreams will run deep like the sea  From there, Wendy got carried away in her singing, staring out at the sea and she herself began to grow sleepy. But, she powered through the song resolutely, not stopping until she finished; Rufio’s comfort was more important. 

Constant as the stars above  Always know that you are loved  And my love shining in you  Will help you make your dreams come true As she reached the final line, Wendy’s voice grew softer, feeling her son’s limbs fully relax and his breathing pattern growing even.   Will help your dreams come true 

By the time she’d drawn out the last note, Wendy was already closing her eyes, Rufio having already drifted off into a more peaceful slumber. 

There, mother and son stayed until the first peek of dawn; her hand in his hair, his head in her lap. 

For a long while, this remained their routine - a routine that only belonged to mother and son. He would sneak into her room, she would lead him to that same spot and sing him that same lullaby each night. Then, when he first pale rays of dawn seeped through to their eyes, they would wake. She would sneak back into her cave, into her bed where Peter still laid, her absence undetected. He would sneak back into Camp, into his hammock where the Lost Boys were still fast asleep, snoring away, oblivious to his absence. 

Both managed to successfully go about their routine without raising suspicion and interrogation. 

While Rufio was happy with this routine, relieved that no one knew about it - or found out about his shameful nightmare - Wendy had her doubts. She debated on sharing her concern about the frequency of Rufio’s recurring nightmare; it only ever occurred once int he night, then, when she lulled him back to sleep, it didn’t return, although it did return to him the next night. The pattern of the nightmare seemed unnaturally consistent, but what kept her from telling a soul - even her king - was her son’s instance that he didn’t want anyone to know. He swore her to secrecy knowing full well that breaking a promise went against Mother’s principles. 

However, one trip would soon change all of that. 

One mild afternoon, one that was strangely temperate - not hot, nor cold - the Lost Boys were, as they often were, gathered in the glade where their camp resided. They were either sharpening their weapons or half-heartedly throwing their lighter weapons; arrows, daggers...  Wendy was sat closer to the edge of Camp, pretending she was fixated on patching up one of the boys’ torn item of clothing when she was actually watching Rufio every now and then from out of the corner of her eye. It amazed her, really, how his tiredness rarely ever showed in front of his brothers. Whether he was genuinely fully awake, or too stubborn to let even a shred of it show through, the girl had no way of knowing. 

All of a sudden, the camp’s occupants’ ears perked up upon the faint crowing sound that made itself known from out of nowhere. There wasn’t a soul int he clearing who didn’t know what that meant and so the Lost Boys instantly halted whatever it was they were doing in wait for their leader’s appearance. The only person who didn’t stop was Wendy. For, she was his queen, not his follower. 

Confirming their thoughts, Peter’s figure came into view, hovering above Camp before he lowered himself down; lower and lower until his boots eventually touched the ground below. There he was: clenched fists on his sides, arms bent at the elbows, back and legs straight, a certain glint in those green eyes. He was about to make an announcement. While getting on with her sewing, Wendy listened tentatively. 

All right boys, we have ourselves a new adventure, he started. 

Almost instantaneously, the boys all jumped to their feet, cheering, hurried over to their leader and crowded round him. The only Lost Boy who remained where he was, although turning his body round to face his leader and confirm he had his utmost attention, was Felix who was sat on his usual stump. 

What adventure, Father? Rufio asked curiously. 

That would ruin the fun. But, it is an important task that needs to be completed as well as it can. So, Felix, Rufio, Devin, Nibs, Slightly... 

He continued to name a few more. 

...you will all be coming with me. The rest of you will stay here to keep Mother company. I also expect you to continuing practising your skills while I’m gone, he said, eyeing each and every one of the Lost Boys that would be staying behind, an eyebrow raised. 

He narrowed his eyes as they started to groan with complaint. But, one glare was all it took to get them to shut their mouths. 

However, as he glared at the last one, Slightly, Peter’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Rufio was stood next to the boy and he didn’t hold that same adventurous, enthusiastic glint in his eyes. They were...concerned? Fearful, maybe? But of what? No matter the danger, Rufio had always been keen, one of the keenest, in fact, to go on an adventure outside of Neverland. But now...why the change of heart?  Confused, Peter turned his head to the side in hopes of getting answers from his queen. But, she wasn’t looking at her king. No. Instead, she was watching Rufio with caution and...concern? Did she know something Peter didn’t? The lack of knowledge frustrated him. But, never mind, he would get answers before he left. 

Slowly, the sun sank deeper into the horizon as the hours ticked on. Peter continued with the games and competitions and what started off as odd looks earlier that afternoon only got worse, the boy-king noticed. From out of the corner of his eye, during the competitions Rufio himself didn’t participate in, Peter caught him sitting beside Wendy and they were talking in hushed whispers. But, neither looked happy and Peter wondered what all that was about. 

It only got worse come supper. After conjuring up a long table with his magic, Peter watched in amusement as the boys all rushed over to it, the meat they’d recently hunted along with the fruits they’d picked already set out on its surface. Just as he was about to walk over to it, he felt a hand on his forearm stop him. He halted and turned to find Wendy looking up at him with a look in her eyes he couldn’t quite decipher.  After he raised an eyebrow quizzically, she enlightened him: 

Peter, I need to talk to you. 

What’s wrong? 

It’s about Rufio... 

What about him? 

For a moment, Wendy considered voicing her concerns, but that would mean coming clean about her secret nightly routine with their adopted son, leading to his nightmare. But, he had clearly told her he didn’t want anyone to know and she never broke her promises. So, she guarded her tongue. 

Are you sure it’s all right for him to go off to another realm? she asked carefully. 

Peter’s eyebrow raised higher. His queen was making no sense at all. 

Of course. You know I always look after them and they watch each other’s backs as well. He’ll be fine with me. 

That’s not what I mean...I just...don’t think it’s a good idea...

Peter could feel his frustration bubbling. 

Then why? Why don’t you want him to go? You were always fine with him coming with me to other realms before, he demanded. 

Wendy bit her lip. How could she keep her son near her, without raising suspicion? But that was the thing: she couldn’t. There was no excuse good enough - none that she could think of, anyway. 

You’re right. I...I don’t know why I thought that. Just...forget it. 

Although his eyes were doubtful, Peter decided to let the matter drop, to Wendy’s relief, and they advanced towards the table. All except Rufio looked at the pair questioningly. Again, Peter’s eyebrow raised; Rufio was usually just as curious as his brothers and he never bowed his head. 

As the boys and Wendy tucked into their supper, Peter thought to himself, What’s going on with these two tonight? 

If only he knew - and he was soon to find out...

Author’s Note:  Well, that’s the end of part 4 of ‘Ruthless’, guys. What did you think? I am already working on part 5 so hopefully you shouldn’t be waiting too long - as long as I know if you guys liked this part. 

[robustcornhusk]

surgery day!

it’s long! contains bodily functions and a long day at the hospital! it’s probably not very interesting! 

the night before:

i was pretty worked - it seemed like it was all scheduled very quickly, and we hadn’t even worked out stuff with insurance (this was apparently intentional but i was pretty unclear on what was happening at the time), so what if they didn’t cut me up? what if i was getting ready for nothing? what if i was pregnant or something and they wouldn’t perform surgery?

so i spent -1 morning calling and being called by the hospital - “are you /sure/ i don’t need to have gotten pre-approval, am I going to have prescriptions afterwards, ...”, the afternoon cleaning up the apartment (my room’s all shiny now!), the night going through a bunch of japanese flashcards. ate dinner at 7pm; people kept calling me during, so i didn’t finish until 8. my mother was one of the callers; she started crying about it and hung up; i’m not really clear on why.

right before bed, i got out all the clothes i wanted for the next day: shirt/jeans/socks/shoes/jacket for the morning, sweatpants and flipflops for going home in. cohuman drugged me so i could go to sleep. 

day of:

i woke up at about 8:30, sat in bed for a bit, then took a shower with hibiclens (per pre-op instructions) (don’t get it in your face, you will apparently just lose your sight and your hearing? oh my god). cohuman went out to get a bagel and coffee for themself. i was technically allowed to drink clear liquids (water, gatorade, tea, apple juice) but i was a little nervous that it was secretly not allowed and was on my instruction sheet by mistake, so i didn’t drink anything.

at like 9:45, i was like “WE SHOULD TAKE BEFORE PICTURES” and cohuman was like “no? we’re leaving in five minutes?” so instead i just weighed myself. 

a few minutes later we called a car, and left at about 9:55 i think? because i hadn’t had anything to eat or drink, and because i don’t ride in cars very often, and because i was scared they would cancel the surgery still, i was a little dizzy/sick feeling in the car... but managed to get to the hospital (mt. zion) with no incident at 10:10.

we went straight to check-in; the person who checked me in was a little confused because my license said ‘rory’ on it and my insurance was under my old name (feminine, historical misspelling) and wasn’t sure what to call me. alas my hospital bracelet had to have my insurance name on it, but pretty much everyone who called me oldname, once they saw me, started using my last name when it was necessary to talk about it.

at about 10:20 or 10:25, someone called my oldname; they seemed a little surprised but went with it when i responded. cohuman and i were led to a private room this time; i was told to take off & put away my clothes, put on a hospital gown, pee in a cup, put on a hairnet, and sit in a chair when i was done. 

a little after i’d done all that, three nurses came in at once and swarmed me: putting on a blood pressure cuff, taking blood samples, setting up an iv, checking my medical history, turning on the gown warmer... all the action and the heat and the blood was getting to me, so that reclined my chair all the way back and turned the gown warmer into a gown cooler (! so comfy). 

a harpist came in a little bit later and played for a while; cohuman talked to them about a laser harp a friend is making.

after the harpist left, the nurses came back; i had to take a couple of meds pre-surgery - tylenol, voltaren, neurontin/gabapentin in pill format; some patch behnd my ear to “reduce secretions” but was maybe was to reduce nausea after surgery. got to take them with water, which was NERVE WRACKING and i was like “are you sure this is okay, they’re not going to cancel surgery if i do this, right?”

(yes it was fine)

anesthesiologist the first came in; went over anesthesia stuff for a bit; said anesthesia with a hard t (“teasia”) instead of th (“thesia”). mostly they had to check that yes a tube will go down my throat, they aren’t going to knock out a tooth while doing it, have i had surgery before and how did i react to anesthesia then?, stuff like that.

dr rowen came in, talked about medical stuff: yep we’re taking out your uterus and fallopian tubes and ovaries and cervix, we’re not gonna take out any other organs unless we discover that you have a ticking time bomb shaped like an appendix, “you have good insurance, so they’ll prob cover it, but it also meant we couldn’t do preapproval”. she talked to cohuman a bit while i was talking to other people, and they’re going to figure out what needs to be done to be Absolutely Sure insurance covers it, probably. (cohuman will have to fill in their discussion, but the result is that at some point i’m gonna sign some things so they are Authorized to represent me for insurance reasons or something.)

two of the other doctor humans/med students/residents/Not Top Doctor/i’m not really sure who they were but they were younger than dr. rowen/people came in during the tail end of my conversation with dr. rowen, and talked to me for a bit about surgery too. i didn’t really have any questions by then, i was just sorta hyped.

the other anesthesiologist came in (why were there two?), talked a bit, left, came back. “Think about a calming place where you want to be, it’ll make going into anesthesia better” - “Ah, I’ll think about the operating room!” 

i went to the bathroom, forgetting i was going to be catheterized anyway, then they stuck me in a wheelchair and wheeled me over to the operating room. cohuman came with us for the first bit; we said goodbye; i think they went to get lunch.

once i was in the operating room, they directed me to sit on the table - wait no gotta have the back of the gown open, dang you’re tall, move down a bit, move up a bit, move down a bit, up a bit, ah, we got it. once i was situated, they added the ?sedative? to my iv at that time, which started to hit pretty fast. 

“last time i noticed it after about 30 seconds, i think.” “Oh, you’ll feel it in 23.” “23? So specific.” “Well, 28.”

they prepped for operating and we/they talked a bit about where i’m from (charleston, sc) - after a bit they put a face mask on me so i couldn’t talk all too much, but, you know.

aaaand the next thing i remember is being in the recovery room. i basically responded to every question with “I want [cohuman], where is [cohuman], cohumanはどこですか。”

let me tell you asking in a language that literally no one in the room speaks, including you, is not a good way to get answers.

my nurse in there was nice, but busy and kinda … i never really had an idea of what i needed to be doing and i never knew when/if he was doing stuff for me? so it was sorta frustrating. 

also my call button apparently wasn’t plugged in for a long time, which, oops. (cohuman points out that, in particular, it was not plugged in when i was in Severe Pain and trying to get someone’s attention to Please Make It Stop)

i was in a public room again rather than a private room, which was fine. the person in the curtained-off room next to me kept talking about food which was pretty funny whenever i overheard it.

cohuman said i was out of surgery at ?2:30?, and woke up somewhere around 3:15-3:30, and that they came in at 3:30. 

cohuman had gone to the nearby japanese mall for lunch, and also picked up a book to show me when i came out. the title is something like “fitting english words”; it’s about things that usually you’d use one word in japanese for, that in english have two separate words, like tall/high and key/lock. 

i couldn’t look at it too long, though; i was seeing double. i could only read or look at my phone by covering up one of my eyes.

where my cervix /had/ been hurt a lot, like i probably would’ve been crying except that i was too dehydrated to cry. they added some painkiller to the iv (not sure what kind), and had some oral ones for me to take, but i wasn’t allowed to take them until i had eaten something. they brought me some graham crackers and water, and i spent … a long time attempting to eat two graham crackers. my mouth was bone dry so swallowing was, uh, difficult. but eventually i got them down and also the painkillers.

at some point i was like “hey i’m bleeding, vaginally, and i know that’s expected but also i prefer not to bleed directly onto the hospital bed?” and the nurse was like “it’s fine” and i was like “i have years of menstruation taboo and would prefer to not bleed directly on the hospital bed” and then they disappeared for a while and came back with hospital mesh underwear and pads, which was a little funny. they had to put it on me, which i think normally i would be uncomfortable with, but also i was fresh out of surgery and didn’t give a damn.

i tried to use the bathroom; nothing came out. i wasn’t sure if this was because i had no urine in my body or because the catheter had irritated the heck out of my urethra. so i drank a bunch of liquids, waited ?30 minutes?, tried again, no dice. asked the nurse what do, they were like “we could do an ultrasound” and then left for a while, which i thought was them blowing me off. after a bit they came back and did an ultrasound and were like “nah, you just have 90ml in there”, then left again with not much explanation. (cohuman looked it up; humans usually want to use the bathroom at 250+ml.) apparently during surgery they also noticed i was dehydrated because only 120ml drained out of me then? so it was more likely that i just was too dehydrated to pee rather than “i am physically blocked from doing so”.

drank more drank more drank more drank more and finally managed to use the bathroom. immediately: I SUCCEEDED LET’S GO HOME, so i got dressed in (oversized shirt, sweatpants, toesocks, flipflops). i was not allowed to carry or hold my bag; i was put in a wheelchair and wheeled to the door. we were driven home; i spent the whole ride with my eyes closed because whatever the heck i had been given was making me fall into a half-dream state really easily and i was getting funny mental images from it. pico wearing the croissant and jumping into a pile of [housemate]’s records, pico playing with some carpet samples that i was trying to look at, extremely vivid grassy walls, ...