#OP YOU UNDERSTAND ME AND ARE BLESSED BY THE UNIVERSE

[iviarellereads]

System Collapse, Chapter 3

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Murderbot Diaries, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

In which, well, I guess we're doing this.

A mild confrontation ensues. Karime continues with the original meeting purpose, trying to convince them to agree to let the University help them. Almost everyone's helping with that in the feed where they can. Murderbot tunes most of the discussion out, except for a channel with Three,(1) as its current complement of humans volunteer to go looking for the alternate colony site.

Mensah thinks it's not a bad idea, but Martyn points out the danger in cold contact. Kaede agrees, but the other colonists aren't refusing to answer, it's likely they don't know the main-colony situation.

While MB watches, Art is sorting through the potential location techniques, and what to send into the interference area around the terraforming engines. MB agrees to go, as if there were any other option, and it knows Ratthi must be worried, but notes that he's doing well at not showing it as he agrees to go as well. Seth and Martyn worry for Iris in particular, as their child, but give their blessing to the jaunt.

MB recalls its three drones as they head back to the shuttle. It takes an aside to note how annoyed it is that it lost all but five drones,(2) so it left one with Karime and Three, one on Art so it doesn't lose ALL its drones, and has only three left to work with, which is why the B-E crew were able to sneak up on them.

Mensah tapped my private feed and said, If you’re not all right with this, you don’t have to go. Tarik has a security specialty, or we could send Three if you think it’s ready. Tarik is a human, and a first contact with isolated colonists is not the way I want to find out that Three is not ready to interact unsupervised with humans I give a shit about. I replied, I’m fine.

Art, not understanding privacy, says it's downloading itself to an ops drone in the shuttle. Mensah thanks it, and MB thinks it's not so bad, really, because then they can watch media together if it's boring.(3)

MB notices that it has four unread messages, from Pin-Lee, Arada, Overse, and Amena. It's having a hard time pretending it's okay right now, and can't bear to look at the messages itself, so it forwards them to Mensah and asks if she can tell them all that it's fine. Mensah agrees, and she'll even add that MB needs some space right now so they don't keep at it. She wishes it luck on the trip.

A minute out, MB stops the episode it and Art were watching, a "semi-historical" about humans leaving their home system for the first time.(4) MB has been a little anxious about the trip in such a fragile shuttle over such rocky terrain. It notes that Tarik's been in the pilot's seat, even though Art has a bot pilot active, and complains that it doesn't have a shuttle flight education module so it feels helpless against potential mechanical failure.(5)

Iris and Ratthi are talking about the vegetation outside, signs that the terraforming is working, and heartbreaking in the context of the planet potentially needing to be abandoned for alien contamination. MB notes that Adamantine had used a process that wouldn't leave the planet completely trashed if the terraforming stopped, unlike Milu. GoodNightLander Independent has been trying to untrash that, though it hasn't seen any news about it since leaving on the initial survey with Arada's team.

MB wonders if the kidnapping by not-quite-Art made the news feeds since then, complains about having one more thing to worry about, redacts some further passage leading off from this.(6) It picks back up at reiterating the timeline, explaining Mensah's ship left just hours after the kidnapping, so wouldn't have any updated news. Even the B-E ship might not, depending on where they originated from and whether the news of the kidnapping was being kept secret under Preservation Station Security regulations about active investigations.

MB takes a moment to acknowledge that Preservation StatSec isn't as bad at their job as what it thought at first. Their job is just limited so they're best at a limited skillset, and they're all vulnerable to the same lack of secret-keeping as most Preservation residents.

Regardless of all that, it doesn't have any hard data on the status of the newsfeeds until the University sends their ship, and maybe not even then. It just has to account for that in its long-term threat assessment and allow its anxiety levels to increase by the… it uses a term, commensurate, then asks Art to define it.(7) Art does so, "a synonym of proportionate." Then it asks if that was relevant to the mission. MB ignores this, knowing it's not really a question.

MB discusses the differences between Art, as a fully mechanical intelligence orders of magnitude greater than MB, and itself, reliant on its human neural tissue backups if it does something silly like the events of the climax of Exit Strategy. MB wouldn't last more than a few seconds attacking Art's architecture, which is why they had to code Murderbot 2.0 as a viral attack. And, if 2 were here, MB probably wouldn't… it redacts another portion.

Still, Art's partitions are separated by their functions. The drone piece isn't actively protecting Art's humans, so it's less likely to murder first and ask questions later if at all.(8) The main Art hands over the piloting controls to Tarik, and tells MB to take care of the humans and itself, just before MB's sense of the feed and the comms fades out slowly to the terraforming engines' disruption field. Threat assessment spikes, but draws back a little. It's expected, but losing contact is never without consequences.(9)

Fortunately, the shuttle's local feed is fine, and Art's drone partition is present, but much smaller without a tether to its main consciousness. It tells team the process is "unnecessarily dramatic." Iris says it's the one that creates the processes. Ratthi asks if it's weird that Art can partition itself and communicate like this. Tarik says the whole job's weird. Art-drone says Art's tolerance for its humans' shenanigans is also weird, and tells Iris to put on her seatbelt, since Art-drone is still part Art, even in the third-person.

As they get close to the terraforming engines, MB can pick up Art's pathfinder drones as pings, but all scans are still broken. Art-drone commands the pathfinders to fall in and follow, since they can't map anyway. They come up on the engines, but on visual scans, still can't find any indication of an air bubble for a colony.

The humans discuss whether the cave system theory might have been right. Iris hopes the splinter group is alright, because it might help the colonists come together toward evacuation if they can understand what sundered them. Tarik says Iris can't do therapy on an entire colony. Ratthi starts wondering about a pre-CR site… but then waves off the idea, literally, and says it's more likely they're living in something Adamantine-era from the original terraforming crew.

Tarik asks Art-drone if the pathfinders were miraculously able to get any scans, but it dismisses miracles as unlikely, and displays all the information they have, which isn't much. They can assume one of a few things are true: either the colonists meant for the engines to cover their power output to hide, they put the site where they wanted it and didn't consider the engine effect, they're all dead and there's no signal to detect, or they're deliberately ignoring the team to stay concealed.

Ratthi frowned at the big patchy blanks in the incoming survey data. “We have no idea how much they know about what happened in the main colony area, either. They could be ignoring us because they’re too afraid to answer.” ART-drone said, That would demonstrate a more developed sense of survival than we have previously encountered here.(10)

Iris records a brief explanation of who's here and their purpose, to broadcast and hopefully encourage contact. MB and Art-drone start running algorithms on the visual data they have, trying to find indications of settlement. Tarik asks if MB wants to weigh in. Ratthi glances at it, and obviously sees something about its mannerisms tells him something, because he says it's busy with something.

Three seconds later, it finds a potential landing site northwest of the engines. When it shares it, all the humans acknowledge the find, and MB gets as uncomfortable with the attention as it does at being ignored.(11) It doesn't acknowledge any of them, and Ratthi asks how it's doing. MB tells him it's fine.

Tarik and Iris discuss the lack of roads from the landing site, and what it might mean with regard to weather patterns. Tarik's face does some weird stuff, and MB watches him closely, fascinated to see a human with as much trouble hiding his emotions on his face as MB feels it has. Tarik asks why there's a drone in his face, and Ratthi suggests he ignore it, without explaining.(12)

Iris wants to get on the ground and start looking nearby, but Art-drone says the flat area may be an underground building's roof.(13) Tarik says they can land somewhere nearby that looks stable. MB sends an autoplay video to Ratthi,(14) who's so startled he exclaims a "What?" aloud before he grasps what it wants him to say. He tells Iris and Tarik, briefly, about the ground-burrowing creatures that came up under the hoppers in All Systems Red. Iris acknowledges it, in a way MB interprets as wanting Ratthi and Tarik both to shut up while she thinks. She suggests a ground sensor might work, close enough to the surface.

MB, seeing Ratthi and Tarik both opening their mouths to volunteer, cuts them off to say it'll go. Before they can protest, it's unclipped its seatbelt and crossed the compartment, picking up the ground sensor from Iris as it goes. Tarik is alarmed, they're still twenty meters up, and Art-drone threatens MB in the private feed between them. MB sends them all some footage from a documentary it watched with Pin-Lee, about a failed survey, where an underground creature took out an aircraft from forty meters up.

Tarik yells and cusses, but Ratthi says he understands MB's concern, but it's not jumping out at this height. Iris yells over everyone to say there's a soft-drop pack in the emergency locker. MB grabs one and says it knew that, even though it did not, and swears it would have been fine anyway.

MB suits up with an air mask and all, and Ratthi tells it to be careful. MB reminds him privately that it has guns in its arms. In its own thoughts, it thinks that's the whole point of its existence.(15) It also has the projectile weapon, it may not be any use against an ag-bot, but if there are massive alien contaminated bots here... let's not think about that too hard.

While Ratthi tries to explain to a curious Iris why MB is so worried about humans getting eaten, MB leans out the hatch for a look, then drops. In initial observation, the only thing it really notices is that some mounds close to the engines look human-made rather than natural. Still, those are so close to the engines, it's unlikely anyone's stupid enough to live under them.(16)

Then again, Corian told Karime that the splinter group had some members of the original terraforming crew. They would be in a position to know if they found a pre-CR installation. Adamantine tended toward permanent structures that were easy to repurpose as the colony grew, at the landing site, so it's unlikely they built anything up here or it would be visible and further away from the engines. Well, unless they had advance warning of the hostile takeover and secret directives to find a new secret site near the engines for safekeeping.

Art-drone tells MB it's had a 0.05% performance reliability spike, and MB tells the reader that Art's monitoring it because of a redacted story it doesn't want to talk about. Still, it tells Art-drone that it's had an idea, and sends it the loose details it's saved for later analysis. Art-drone humours MB but doesn't seem convinced.

The ground sensor does, in fact, work on the ground, and it shows a solid planet beneath MB's feet, but that the landing pad is the same material as Adamantine used at the other colony sites. Art-drone says there was only a 22% chance they built this close to the engines, but MB says they might have been stupid enough to do it anyway, even if they couldn't get safety bonded for it. It's not even sure how common safety bonds would have been forty years ago, though it thinks Art could probably dredge up some data with the right query to its database.

Tarik asks when they'll get a report, and MB watches through Drone 3 as Ratthi's face does "a thing" and he says when MB has something worth reporting. Iris teases Tarik about micromanaging, and Art-drone asks if Tarik is critiquing its management. MB notes to the reader that Tarik's only been with Art's team for about a year, so everyone fucks with him constantly as The New Guy.(17) It also thinks how everybody razzing Tarik means they haven't noticed that MB is just standing there uselessly… well, except Art-drone, and probably Ratthi because he's not angry at Tarik for the prodding, and Iris is pretty observant…

Get it together, Murderbot.

MB sends the ground sensor's report back to the team, and tries to decide what to do next. There's no sign of a road. The splinter colony wasn't hiding when they left, the other colonists knew approximately where they were going. They must have built a road, and some sign of it must be here somewhere.

MB starts moving the ground sensor around. Ratthi asks if they can come help, probably assuming MB still doesn't know what it's doing, but now it actually does, and declines assistance. Finally, under the surface at one edge of the pad, it finds metallic remains. A powered rail is still there, so floating equipment could be attached and moved along it.

Up in the shuttle, the humans were excited, thinking we could follow it all the way to the hidden habitat. Then with the ground sensor, I followed it for ten meters before it hit the rim of a buried hatchway.(18)

=====

(1) Emotional support connection, but is it for Three's benefit, Murderbot's need for control, or both? (2) During the events of Network Effect, though I can't be sure about the count on the drones at the end without going back and double checking and I'm more concerned with making forward progress on this one. (3) What gives you the impression that anything about this mission is going to be boring? (4) I have zero evidence for this except vibes, but I feel like this could be a reference to The Expanse, especially given the "throwing asteroids at planets" bit. (5) I wonder why, then, it was so comfortable back in All Systems Red, book 1, with being copilot with Mensah. It didn't comment that it was useless for it to be in the seat of the big hopper then. It's entirely possible that this shuttle requires a different education than the hoppers rented by the company it used to belong to, but it's a nitpick my brain can't help but notice. (6) The redactions are driving me insane. Good job, Martha Wells. (7) My heart, MY HEART! When was the last time MB actually, politely, asked anyone to help it, even in such a small way? I'm not fully in tears or anything, but I am making a goober face at my laptop screen. (8) I know we've kind of seen what happens when Art's humans are threatened, but I wonder if this is a look forward (setup/foreshadowing) or a look backward at what we've seen it do before, or both I suppose. (For once in this journey, I legitimately do not know, and I'm not averse to spoilers but I'm not looking this one up, either.) (9) See, that's DEFINITELY setting up for consequences. As if we needed to know something bad is going to happen. This is a Murderbot book with 80% remaining. (10) Burn cream on aisle 7, please? (11) Such a mood. Though, Ratthi's party sparkler emoji is hilarious to me, as someone who uses the tada emoji to indicate celebration for my friends. (12) I lost the post, but I saw someone put it as something like, Ratthi is so accustomed to the panopticon of Murderbot's surveillance state, he doesn't even notice it anymore. (13) I am obviously not an expert in any of the related fields to this, but I'm curious why just that one area would be cleared like that if it's the roof of this underground habitat. Like, I get that it makes it potentially unstable, if the rock shelf is thinner there. But, if this one is visible, shouldn't you see others? (14) Weaponized autoplay, I love it. (15) Well… that's the whole reason the people who came up with SecUnits created you. It's not your whole purpose for existing anymore. I hope you know that, fictional character I can't actually talk to but in whose emotional wellbeing I am deeply invested. (16) That feels like more setup. (17) Aww, no, don't give me more reasons to like, feel for the guy. (As if I need any more reason to trust a character than "Art accepts him and Murderbot doesn't want to throw him out the airlock".) (18) Nearly ther-- wait, that's all we get today?!

[aurora1040]

Cy, I get the point you are trying to make but jumping to the extreme end isnt going to do you any favors with most people in debates.

Yes, the parents are parents of a human being, not whatever they wish their child would have been. That said.

I actually agree with OP. On there needing to be some form of distinction (even tho I know the same Autist can be both high and low support needs on the same given day). Because, yeah, I think perspective does get lost and because those who struggle with communication of any sort arent usually around online to speak for themselves, and those that do can only do so with limited vocabulary and grammar, which also makes it very difficult to communicate their own wants and needs. I understand (now) why Aspergers was rejected by the community as a whole, but aside from its origin, it filled a very important niche in the spectrum for a very long time and I truly did appreciate having a word to distinguish the difference. Not because i secretly think im better than those with much higher support needs than I, but because when i say I'm "Autistic" people say "no, you can't be Autistic. You dont look/act Autistic!" ....Because its associated with the much higher support needs Autistics. But if I were to say "Im an Aspie," people might be surprised because im passing, but theu dont immediately reject the possibility. I was very reluctant to give up the term Asperger's because of this.

Another reason why I appreciated there being a seperate word is because my youngest brother is a much higher support needs Autistic than I likely will ever be in my life and it felt wrong to say we had the same thing when our needs and behaviours are so drastically different.

The OP is right, that Autistics want out autism parents to stop talking over us and other Autistics, but we need to remember that our lower support needs is not universal. Passing is not universal or a blessing anymore than being visibly Autistic as a high supports needs Autistic. Ive seen non-verbal Autistics online beg the lower support needs Autistics to stop calling themselves non vernal or saying that they are going nonverbal because the experience as a high support needs non-verbal Autistic is so different from someone who is semi-verbal or someone who sometimes goes mute.... only to see the vast majority of low support needs Autistics to ignore the non-verballed Autistics' repeated requests. This only one example that I've personally witnessed.

About the parent/caregivers. Yes, they are allowed to complain sometimes. They are human and care giving is HARD even when they are fully neurotypical. Its not a moral failing to wish things were easier and for that, OP is right. We cant blame them. I certainly can't blame them when I experienced being my youngest brothers care taker for a few months amd got burnt out to the point that I cannot handle taking care of even healthy, non-disabled, non-autistic child who is the best behaved in the world.

What I can judge them for, however. Is when they make it their emtire personality and take om the "pity me" attitude or posts their high needs Autistic loved ones during the "bad" times. Thats when I judge them. If they allow their high needs Autistic loved ones to ever see or hear those complaints, I will judge them for that.

But they are human. They have a right to express themselves, too. So long as they are mindful and considerate of how they choose to do so.

high functioning autistic people truly need to shut the fuck up about how offended they are by scientists trying to find the cause of autism so that it can be prevented and I'm saying this as a high functioning autist myself. it's so easy for you to go "uwu celebrate our differences! autism is awesome!!" bc you are not a nonverbal permatoddler who screams 12 hrs a day, physically assaults others, smears their shit on the walls, etc, nor are you the parent or sibling of one (if you were you would not be saying this nonsense). genuinely there needs to be a different word for high functioning autists (like how we used to have Aspergers...why is that not used anymore in psychiatric circles) bc the lack of differentiation between the two groups is literally warping high functioning people's perception of what severe autism actually looks like.

stop throwing a tantrum every time a single mother who's being beaten up by her own kid on the daily and has literally no help says "I just wish he was normal" as if that's unreasonable. how dare you judge these parents who are trying their best to cope with an impossibly stressful and demanding circumstance. oh and it's so funny how you hypocrites get so ornery when those parents speak over autists then turn around and do the exact same thing by speaking for those who can't speak for themselves on account of their 45 IQ, and assuming that they're going to somehow live a happier life in their current state than they would if they were neurotypical. you are totally devoid of basic empathy and I know you'll try but you can't blame it on your autism

[muraar]

My not so relatable co op experience™ with these mains

This is not a stereotype just my personal experiences in genshin. Take everything with a grain of salt or maybe just skip it entirely if you feel like you might be offended. The ones I've excluded? I dont see them often in co op.

Albedo

*drops flower* my job here is done,

Harbinger of dawn so gotta keep hp above 90%, understandable

*casually doing 20k per bloom dmg* wtf what u feeding him, spare some RNG luck

BENNETT

SON!!!!!!! AND PRECIOUS BOY!!!!!!!! Always welcomed in any domain, (except cwof maybe?) but yes best boy, best support and usually Bennet mains are pretty flexible, and more willing to use support character/healers in co op.

Diluc

I AM JEALOUS, SO SO JEALOUS. also I saw that wolves gravestone so please stop attacking randomly I just wanna take a photo with Diluc. Stay still for one minute dammit.

Eula

Fastest speed runs I've had in the emblem set domain was with a Eula main. Honestly, pretty straight to the point. 10/10 would do domains again. the enemies are always dead before that sword explodes :((((

Diona

Heh, you didn't get zhongli did you? Lmao sorry back to the point. Pretty chill but please give that shield asap, whenever the skill is off cooldown, my Ayaka is dying have mercy.

Ganyu

When someone uses ganyu I know that I can just chill and viola the challenge is already complete. Kinda scary with that 250+ crit damage tho 😳

Kazuha

Stop swirling Pyro dammit, I'm using blizzard strayer I need them affected by cryo 😭😭. But srsly inspite of that the melt dmg I get is just 😩👌

AYAKA

My queen and sweetheart 🥰 I am one myself and most of them are pretty co operative and polite. Entering everyone's world to get some Sakura blossoms,🥺 pls just let us have them. Also Shoutout to that one player who let me use my Ayaka in domain and used diona instead. Tysm for that cryo resonance <3

Raiden Shogun

80 energy cost what?? My burst is always up even before the cooldown ends. Just endless Ayaka Bursts everywhere, so thank you for that. Also pls u are immune to electro charged I am not, stop using your skill and killing me with water nearby 😭

Xiao

Our boy is a glass canon 😔 those 50k per plunge don't come easy and I understand. Not having that NRE equiped in a team with no healers? Then realising it mid battle? ouch

Zhongli

Actual lifesavers, c2 zhongli! ? BLESSING. Especially in event domian like energy amplifier. As soon as we got a c2 zhongli haver in our team that challenge became cakewalk. (we were trying for the last hour at least) word of advise always have a friend with c2 zhongli, you don't know when you might need them next

KOKOMI

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, 😩♥️ WHEN I SEE A KOKOMI IN CO OP I FEEL LIKE I CAN USE XIAO WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT ANYTHING. THE SWEETEST AND WHOLESOME WILL NOT LET YOUR HP GO LOW AT ALL!!!!!!

I appreciate you guys a lot - sincerely a xiao main

Childe

Shoutout to veteran childe players, I mean after I go back to range stance idfk what to do, aiming is hard😔. Crit rate barely going above 47% 😞 it's a universal struggle also are those 10/10/10 talents I see 👀?

Jean

🤔 Most I've played with are just standard healers and I've never been yeeted by one either. I thought this was a sacred act that Jean mains must perform in co op? :( then why exclude me?

Venti

That back hole every is active all the time, do you not have any cooldown? How much ER do you have???

Hu tao

First to die or never die at all. No in between, also how does it feel like living in the cwof domain? How much of your soul did u sell for that crit circlet?

+new addition

Noelle

You scare me

[redvanillabee]

What is the worst meta you have encountered. What claim has been so preposterous that you have contemplated deleting the Internet. Please bless us with others’ failures of critical thinking

Trust me, Mundie, when I say I have wiped most of them from my brain. Otherwise I will surely have gone insane.

I do remember reading something that is clearly a headcanon being billed as a meta. I think it was something for TFATWS; someone was literally headcanoning what Sam and Bucky might have done during the off-screen downtime, either between episodes or in the time-skip in a montage. They were headcanons inspired by canon events and characterisation, sure, but they are theories, speculations, and creative writing on what Sam and Bucky have gone up to in that unmentioned time. Then that OP tagged the post as 'meta' and I just, *facepalm* my child, that is not meta. Meta is analysis. You wrote a headcanon post. Please learn the word.

The actual 'bad' take I've seen isn't one meta, but I see people keep trying to refute it, and it is: the idea that AC/AOS is somehow not MCU canon, and they need Marvel to somehow 'adopt' AC/AOS back and 'make it MCU canon'.

LIke, first of all, AOS literally is an offshoot of MCU; you have the same Coulson as in The Avengers (2012). Same for AC; you have the same Peggy Carter. Please. (Not to mention the fact that James D’arcy’s Jarvis has already been adopted into the MCU, a la Endgame.)

There was this whole deal about how AOS has split off from MCU from S5, and I really don't understand. They say that because Daisy prevented Earth from being shattered by her/Graviton, it has created a new branching timeline and therefore is no longer in the same MCU timeline.

Which. My brother in MCU. Allow me to point you to Agents of SHIELD Season 5 Episode 20.

Thanos was heading to Earth as the events of AOS S5 were unfolding. I really would say when Daisy prevented the Great Quakening from blowing Earth apart, she ensured that the real MCU timeline could continue, that there would still be an Earth for Thanos to land on and for the events of Infinity War to take place. How have they created a branching timeline please enlighten me.

Then those same people were saying that S6 was definitely not in the MCU timeline, because no one got blipped and the team did not address the Snappening. Again, my brother in MCU, do you know which other main MCU team didn’t get blipped? That’s right, OG6 Avengers. Just because no one got blipped doesn’t mean the blip didn’t take place.

As for the whole ‘the blip didn’t get addressed’ thing, I think we can all agree that Marvel is pulling a lot of strings in the background deciding what can/can’t AOS mention, but the plot of S6 does not suggest that it can’t take place concurrently with the aftermath of the blip. Think about how small the scope of S6 and S7 actually is. They were mostly in the Lighthouse, I think there was one park scene, they were in rural Ohio for a while, in a desolate temple somewhere...and then they travelled into the past! For all we know, while Daisy was busy containing that atomic bomb on Sarge’s death mobile, Steve could be out there holding a support group with gay Joe Russo.

There were some points made out there about continuity issues between AC/AOS and main MCU, but like—look, Marvel is three plot points wearing one big trench coat pretending to be one cinematic universe. There are loads of show out there with blatant plot holes or continuity issues, like Glee, but we don’t go around saying ‘x episode of Glee doesn’t count as canon Glee-verse’, right?

(Also. Since the beginning of the MCU, Disney’s been putting more and more Marvel attractions in Disneylands around the world, where the general premise is at least MCU-adjacent if not compliant. If you take a look at those Marvel attractions, you will find that AC/AOS are at least Disneyland-canon. In Avengers Campus Paris, there’s a restaurant furnished as ‘an old SSR facility’ that showed Peggy’s red hat from AC, as well as a picture of Michael Carter. In Hong Kong Disneyland, they put the Blitzkrieg Button in the Howard Stark section of ‘Stark Expo’, regularly play the AOS theme outside the SHIELD building, and feature the 0-8-4 from S1E02 in the SHIELD equipment room.)

So yea. This turned from lowkey dragging bad meta into writing essentially a counter meta.

[astralselfships]

[ hello, op!! this is going to be really sad so feel free to ignore and delete if you aren't comfortable. ]

-

have you ever experienced accidentally reading a fic of your f/o where they say they're in love with someone else and you feel your love for them just draining? like a health bar when you take damage.

i read one of my s/o and i'm getting worried. i've been trying my best all night to rekindle that warm feeling whenever i see or hear him but my mind automatically goes to that one fic and i just get so sad. i feel so helpless.

i only just found him, i can't lose him now. not when i'm currently at a low point in my life, where he's the only thing that's giving me the reason to get out of bed :'(

i know it's my fault, i shouldn't have read it but i thought it was something else. but i'm also a bit mad at the op for not properly tagging their work.

i'm sorry if this is sad and depressing but i honestly don't have anyone to tell this. thank you for taking the time to read all this. you're a blessing to the self-ship community :(( 💕

Hey there, anon! I really hope you will see this, lovely! 🌸

It sounds heartbreaking, I can only understand since I'm no stranger to this kind of discouraging experience. It is disheartening to see your F/O(s) in fan made material being head over heels for someone else, whether it's from their universe or not. Bonus if the F/O is actually your one and only, and you find comfort only in them.

In these trying times, it's important to remember why you started: you love them, right? You would do anything for them. Never forget that it's reciprocated, since you chose them, and they chose you. Its fictionalized aspect is what makes it easy to be shaped, molded into whatever you wish for, because know that they'd want the same. There is, after all, a reason why you're with them and not with other character, right?

You could try to imagine this incident as a bonus reason for your F/O to offer you extra comfort and cuddles!! Imagine how they assure you that you'll never have to worry about being replaced, since you two are meant to be.

Also, I want you to know I am here for you, wholly. If you feel like you would like to talk about this more, you can always dm me! I'm open to discussing anything, whether it's a happy event or a sad thingy <3

Please take care of yourself, anon, as well as of your F/O, remember how much love they carry around for you, and don't hesitate to ask more if you find yourself still struggling.

Much love and care,

Astral 🌸

[majonmustard]

OP you don’t understand, I’ve been thinking about this since the book came out- it hasn’t left my head for two weeks. While reading it the first time, I was almost (I doubted it) convinced that this was actually where the book was going for multiple reasons, yes his connections with the other Gods and him having to tell Will “the truth,” but also even with Persephone’s conversation with Will where she says to him, “But do you see the depths within him? Do you realize who he really is?” This line really had (maybe still has) the potential to have a lot of weight to it.

The other place my brain originally thought the story was going was thinking that maybe Will is a reincarnate. Okay here me out here- When the two of them first get to the underworld, even though it’s in his nightmare, and in hindsight it’s meant to be due to it’s similarity to Olympus, this line where Will comments on the look of the underworld fascinates me, “He had a confused feeling that he had been here before… His instincts told him this was all wrong.” You’ve been there before Will? Tie that into the fact that for the majority of the time they’re in the underworld, Will is losing his memories. We’re told this is a side effect of being the son of Apollo, but why his memories? It doesn’t make sense, unless- Will’s ~soul~ actually remembers being there and is rejecting being back in the underworld, he’s not supposed to be there again yet. I think this idea is really interesting because we’ve never really dived into the idea of rebirth in this universe, there’s the whole thing of getting into the isles of the blessed, so it’s not crazy to think some of the demigods could be on their second or third go.

But where do these two concepts tie together?? Zagreus is the God of rebirth. Let’s just say, for this hypothetical (AU, really) that Nico as a God, or Zagreus, or whatever, meets Will’s soul in the underworld, they fall in love, soulmate yada yada, they decide they want to be in love on earth, so, Will’s soul chooses rebirth and Nico is able to leave behind his divinity (I think he’d earn it back if he dies again tbh) and get reincarnated as a mortal. We have no clue or previous explanations on how rebirth works, but they end up getting split up. Through the power of cheese and soulmate shenanigans, Nico was put into the lotus hotel, bringing him to the 21st century where the two can happily be together. Yay. Zagreus really lived up to his title of the God of Rebirth and love can last through everything or whatever idk. It’s cute.

There’s probably a lot more that could go into this (love your tags about Nico’s powers being too much for him, chefs kiss) but that’s all I got in my brain right now- I just think it’s a cool thought and I need a 100k fanfic on the idea please :)

Send help, it's 3 AM and I cannot sleep because the concept of Nico being Zagreus—not the Hades character, the myth, although still from the version where he's Hades and Persephone's son rather than the version where he's a prior incarnation of Dionysus—reborn has entered my head and decided to set up shop for the foreseeable future. It actually feels incredibly fitting from what I know about the myth of Zagreus (which is admittedly not a lot) and aspects of the books like Nico's unique connections with both Dionysus and Hades in specific and the gods in general (and possibly Bob if we do some mix-and-matching of the myths, since Dionysus-Zagreus was dismembered and partially eaten by Titans on account of the Greek myths being A Time) and the whole "When the time comes you have to tell Will the truth about who you are" thing in TSatS that goes all sorts of nowhere. I don't know, obviously I don't think it's what Rick intended but I do think it could very easily fit into the canon of the books!

...Or possibly I'm just sleep deprived. Did I mention it's 3 AM?

[script-nef]

#bokutoisblessed | Bokuto Koutarou

Category: crack, fluff

2.2k words; MSBY fans dying over Bokuto and his family

Bokuto uploaded another photo

It seems like just yesterday little Hana was swaddled in his arms and now look at her. Like. Holy [censored] look at the [censored] post. 

Dudes like. She can walk now. Her steps are so wobbly but also so cute and my heart like????? Just exploded when we were gifted with the sight of her??? AND THE WAY SHE GIGGLED WHEN SHE ARRIVED AT HER MUM’S LAP A SAFJAKFDL I CAN’T BREATHE

Comments [Anon]: Honestly we the fans of Black Jackals are so blessed because we get to experience this joy and bundle of life thanks to our lord and saviour Bokuto Koutarou and his amazing wife, who will hereby be named Kami-sama. Because God is a woman I called it.

[Anon]: I agree with 97% of this, except for the Kami-sama part. She said it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing so we have to call her something else. How about Wife-sama. That should be fine, right?

[Anon]: Oh I saw that post Bokuto put up! Saying how much he’s thankful for the support but not to call her that! The upload was a short video of her turning red after he called her Kami-sama and it’s a treasure I will keep for the rest of my life. And into the afterlife. Death can try to pull it out of my cold, dead hand but I won’t let it. YOU HEAR ME DEATH???? YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS FROM MEEEEEE

[Anon]: Bokuto said Wife-sama is fine! Apparently she was still red and it was the cutest thing ever. Bokuto is so biased (*cough cough* whipped *cough cough*) but hey I’m not complaining. I don’t think my imagination will ever come close to the actual reaction but I hope it does.

[Anon]: Do you guys remember, when he just started dating her, how he flooded us with posts of her and her only? Like, practically 95% of my feed was her since he was putting so much of them up. She could literally be doing nothing and he’ll be like “HOLY [censored] LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!” Without swearing because he doesn’t do that, but still.

[Anon]: OH AND THEN HE GOT INTO TROUBLE WITH HIS SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER ASKJDSKDJF THAT WAS GOLD

[Anon]: THEY LITERALLY PUT A VIDEO UP OF THEM TRYING TO TELL BOKUTO WHY HE SHOULDN’T DO THAT AND HE CONSTANTLY SAID “BUT I’M DATING HER AND THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING I LOVE HER!!” LIKE BOI WE GET IT EVEN ALIENS WILL GET IT

[Anon]: And it started up again when she was pregnant with Hana. Like I could make a time-lapse video or whatever of her pregnancy just from the photos he put up

[Anon]: I honestly wonder how many photos he has of her and Hana

[Anon]: Probably a couple thousand. I mean like, I have a couple thousand of MBSY members but my love for them pales in front of Bokuto for Wife-sama, so.

→ Continue thread

Holy [censored] I just met Bokuto

Okay so there was news about a new resident coming into our apartment, more specifically my neighbouring unit. It was previously occupied by this really old couple and we had this small farewell party. They dropped hints that the new residents might be kind of loud but that they were great.

A few days later, my doorbell rings and who do I see? It’s [censored] Bokuto. Like, straight up. In his casual clothes. Exactly the same as the photo on his Insta page where he said he was moving. Which I liked practically a few hours ago.

He was standing there with the biggest smile and saying that he’s the new resident and that they’re giving out homemade cookies because of the baby and Bokuto’s volume. And invited me to a small dinner. And I’m. Like my brain. Literally. Like my brain is even blank now. Bokuto. Invited me. To his house. So I could have dinner. And see his wife. And little Hana. 

So I am here now, raiding my wardrobe to see if I have anything wearable because HOLY [censored] [censored] [censored] I’M GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH BOKUTO AND HIS FAMILY I’LL REPORT BACK LATER IF HE’S FINE WITH ME SHARING THIS EXPERIENCE OKAY I REALLY GOTTA GO BECAUSE MY HEART IS BEATING WAY TOO FAST AND I NEED TO HAVE SOME MEDICINE

[Edit]: This was riddled with spelling mistakes because my hands were shaking from the aftershock.

Comments [Anon]: ???? What did you do in your past life to be awarded the opportunity of being neighbours with Bokuto???? Did you like, save the country or something? Is that what it takes to be blessed with him?

[Anon]: No you gotta at least save the entire Earth for this damn dude thanks for your service I guess

[Anon]: But if you gotta save the world to be neighbours with Bokuto, then what the hell did Wife-sama do to be married to him?

[Anon]: She saved the universe

[Anon]: But I think Bokuto will be the one to say he saved the universe to be with her that cheesy dork ugh I love you

[Anon]: LMAO I CAN HEAR HIM SCREAMING THAT

[Anon]: Are you back yet? Are you alive? Are you blinded by the magnificence that is Bokuto Koutarou and his family? I know I would be. So in order to kill me as well, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED YOU CAN’T KEEP US OUT LIKE THIS I AM KNEELING ON THE FLOOR AND BEGGING FOR THE INTERACTION PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I BEG OF THEE I WANT SOME MORE SIR

[OP]: That’s really weird so stop that. I’m just about to go out now! I’ll spend the dinner over there, experience heaven, hope I don’t die of heart failure and possibly come back with a war story. If they allow me. Wish me luck guys.

[Anon]: GO BRAVELY SOLDIER AND MAKE US PROUD I AM PRAYING THAT THEY’LL BE KIND ENOUGH TO LET YOU SHARE THIS WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE

I’M BACK

Okay so that could only be described as one of the best moments in my entire life. Don’t worry, they said it’s fine if I share this. #actualsaints

So I finally found an outfit and took the chocolate that I was saving for myself, but since I can give my arm and leg for Bokuto what the [censored] is a chocolate, right?

I’m greeted by Wife-sama herself. Like. Less than a metre from me, saying “good afternoon” and smiling like the saint of tranquillity. (A side note but how do you have that when you live with Bokuto? And a child? My brother wants to know your secrets.) And she’s wearing what I think is Bokuto’s shirt since it’s way too big for her, I mean the end comes to her thighs. Sharing shirts is the most romantic thing a couple can do I don’t make the rules I’m just the messenger.

Anyway she invites me into their house, their amazingly aesthetical and cozy house. There’s a display case for all of Bokuto’s trophies, awards, certificates and everything. There are photographs of them together all over the walls, hung from strings spanning the entire house. There was a wall section dedicated entirely to Hana-chan. I felt like an uncivilised cave gremlin there.

Wife-sama was still making dinner and I was going to help her but little Hana-chan came to me. Like, she tottered over to me in the blue frilly dresses and tugged on my pants, babbling and smiling. Y’all I nearly died. I literally saw the gates of heaven and had a foot in but Wife-sama saved me by pulling me back into reality. By asking me if I wanted to play with Hana-chan. Which killed me again. And she was apologetic about it too? Like she doesn’t think I would give my kidney to spend time with her?

So I was playing with Hana but sneakily looking at the two of them being cute as hell in the kitchen. Bokuto was attached to her at the hip for the whole time except for when she asked him to get some ingredients. He was a puppy incarnate. They were sneaking kisses, whispering to each other and it was honestly so cute like I was getting diabetes just from one night. 

The food was amazing, the dinner talk was so fun and delightful, Hana-chan was the cutest little angel ever, this was probably the best day of my life. AND WHEN I LEFT FOR THE NIGHT, THEY BOTH HUGGED ME AND IT WAS LIKE BEING HUGGED BY CLOUDS BUT THEY SMELLED SO NICE!!

I shall never forget this day. Mark my words y’all.

Comments [Anon]: How beautiful was their place? I feel like she would go with a pastel tone or black and white. And have cute things littered around everywhere.

[OP]: The house was really unique in the sense that it felt like two houses smashed together. Like they took turns decorating each section of the house. Looked like polar opposites. It was kind of weird at first but the aesthetics flowed well the longer I stayed there, if you can understand what I’m saying.

[Anon]: The fact that Bokuto and Wife-sama are practically opposites in many things but still formed a romantic relationship with each other and the fact that their taste or preferences complement each other perfectly is proof that they are soulmates. In this essay I will

[Anon]: Where’s the essay. Dude where’s the [censored] essay

[Anon]: HEY MAN COME BACK WHERE’S MY ESSAY

[Anon]: NOOOOOOOOOOO THE SACRED TEXTS

[Anon]: Bruh just a kidney? Take my [censored] liver. Take my heart. Oh no wait, she already has it in her squishy widdle hands.

[Anon]: I bid my left arm

[Anon]: Right arm

[Anon]: Lungs

[Anon]: I really love my brain but I barely use it so off it goes I guess

[OP]: ???? Guys? What are you doing? Stop this illegal organ trade in my post.

[Anon]: Shhhhh we’re showing our love

I saw Bokuto shopping and it was so cute

I do not do clickbait, it was genuinely adorable and my cheeks are about to fall off. As was everyone else’s in the entire mall.

I was just doing some shopping, getting some snacks and popcorn for the movie marathon I was going to have and who do I hear? Yeah, it’s Bokuto. And little Hana-chan whining to Wife-sama about how she’s not getting the snacks they want. It’s from memory since I didn’t take a video, I’m not a creep and I understand boundaries unlike some of you assholes, but it went something like this.

Bokuto: But think of all the caramel popcorn we could eat! Hana: Mama, sweeties. Sweeties. (What an angel, am I right?) Wife-sama: I already said no, it’s going to ruin your dinner. Hana: But it’s tasty! Bokuto: Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase? I’ll do all of the dishes and cleaning today! Wife-sama: You already do that every day, Kou. It’s not much of a bribe. (Husband goals) And Hana, we have other snacks at home. Caramel is bad for your teeth. Bokuto: But babe! Wife-sama: I said no, and that’s it. Hana: Mama!

It was just this repeated for like 10 minutes with Bokuto and Hana-chan alternating their whines. I would have snapped after 5 times but wow, this lady has the mental fortitude of Fort Knox.

They both sulked and followed her around as she finished her shopping. I can tell Hana is Bokuto’s daughter because her hair droops down like his and a cloud forms over her head. It was practically magic.

In the end, they bought one (1) salted caramel popcorn because Wife-sama is too soft-hearted and they literally clung onto her for 5 minutes peppering her with kisses. And Bokuto actually lifted her in his embrace. In the middle of the sweets section. Where everyone was looking.

Needless to say, she was very very red.

Comments [Anon]: Conspiracy theory: factoring in Bokuto’s godlike physical ability, inhumane and endless sunny disposition, his hair’s ability to reflect his moods, it can be concluded that Bokuto is, in fact, a God.

[Anon]: Well someone has a big brain

[Anon]: Wait then Wife-sama would be a Goddess. Gasp SHE DIDN’T WANT PEOPLE CALLING HER KAMI-SAMA BECAUSE IT WOULD BLOW HER COVER

[Anon]: Oh yeah, it’s all coming together

[Anon]: I can kind of see Bokuto and Hana sneaking in sweets and snacks into the trolley while Wife-sama isn’t looking lmao

[OP]: THEY ACTUALLY DID THAT I nearly ran into them again and heard her berating Bokuto for sneaking in chocolate and shoving it beneath all the meat so she wouldn’t notice. My man, please. You can never outsmart your wife.

[Anon]: Next time I go to the MSBY fan meeting, I’m bringing all the sweets I can for Bokuto and Hana. It’s the least I can do.

[Anon]: They’re so cute and I can’t wait for the MSBY match in three days where Bokuto’s family is going to attend. I promise I’ll post about it afterwards.

[dragonturtle2]

Charting Penny's course, on the eve of the V8 finale.

I just realized that one of the lengthiest essays I ever posted online was never copied or cross posted over here to Tumblr.  A huge mistake on my part.  For one, as a big fan of transhumanism, I got a kind of enjoyment mapping out the distinctions Penny Poledina’s series-wide arc, even with the flaws.  Two, I’m actually kind of proud of the predictions I made at the end.  Not because I was correct about one of them; I remarked how I’d LIKE Rooster Teeth to do something, not that they’d actually take the shot.  But some of the stuff I thought of was fun, and I do feel a bit of validation for having my thoughts line up with the actual writers; especially in lieu of how heated other people’s reactions were to something sorrowful and unexpected.  

Tonight I had been responding to a critique I'd found earlier on Tumblr. They had remarked that Penny's conflict in Volumes 2, 7 and 8 were just recycling the question of whether Penny was a real girl. That doing so was just boring as heck, when the question has been answered firmly with Penny becoming the Winter Maiden. I thought the question of “what makes a person a person, and not just a simulated pattern of behaviors with the instinct to survive?” was broad enough to get a few arcs’ worth of visitation.  But I thought just responding with that one lengthy sentence could come off as belittling sarcasm. So tried to offer up an my actual interpretation and clear opinion. I got this monstrosity.

Volume 1 has Penny reaching out to make friends, V2 is finally admitting her robot nature to someone and vocalizing her fears about being a real girl.  Volume 3 dangles the upcoming conflict of her wanting to exercise independent action, step away from the national military organization that bankrolled and housed her, and go to Beacon with her friends.  But that got cut short.

Volume 7 picks up the thread of Penny’s independent actions.  Not just with the ability to disagree with or full-on disobey orders, but her own value system and initiative.  Not only is she asking Winter about how to make decisions in life, she is also silently (and not-so-silently) judging whether Winter is morally right, or even truly happy with her own choices.  When she takes Freya’s hand, she asks something that no one has probably said to Freya in awhile: “Are you OK?”

Volume 8 is focused on the things being taken from her.  Her previous family-unit-facsimile of James, Winter and the Ace Ops have labeled her a traitor and are now hunting her.  Being targeted as the Maiden makes her distance herself from her friends, so they aren’t further harmed .  In doing that, she also leaves behind her previous dedication, protecting Mantle, to launch Amity Tower and assist in the bigger picture of warning the entire planet.  Then in the pursuit of that goal she damages herself, pushes her body to it’s limit, and says goodbye to her father.  

Volume 8 might seem to backpedal, and spend much of the season emphasizing how inhuman Penny is. That’s the point.  After Freya essentially canonizes Penny as human, with her ‘blessing,’ Penny’s new identity (to herself and the audience) is arrested in the most traumatic ways possible.  Her body is peeled back and cut open.  Her schematics are passed around and assessed by characters and factions more than ever.  The hacking is the Atlas military complex literally claiming ownership over her, exploiting the body and code they created alongside Pietro.  (In contrast with the earlier consensual control and teamwork with Pietro, which even then she hardly enjoyed).  How much pain can you inflict on a person until they devolve, or abandon rational thought?  Little wonder Penny ends up begging the team to end her own life.  She’s now taken Winter’s role from Volume 7, her self-esteem having sunken even lower.  “My life doesn’t matter!“

When that ghastly moment was (temporarily) resolved with a quick revelation and Jaune’s Semblance, it was a moment of mixed feelings for me in an episode I otherwise loved.  But I really came around to it afterword.  They have to head to Vault for a permanent fix pretty much immediately, so it doesn’t feel like the writers used Jaune to kick the can down the road until they felt like tackling it.  A very direct benefit is that by pausing Penny’s affliction, Penny gains the ability to actually have a conversation with people, to have scenes beyond just desperately wrestling her.   It also spared us the repeated dialogue of “I must go to the Vault.  I don’t want to!  I must - I don’t! - I MUST- I DON’T!”  Seriously, that routine was wearing thin.  

Whether any fans predicted Jaune’s Semblance being able to help or not, I’m pleased when characters are able to quickly conceive applications of in-universe fictional powers.  This is such a refreshing improvement over how CRWBY previously couldn’t bring Ruby to even ASK about the Silver Eyes that put her in a coma.  

There were missteps along the way.  Ruby really should have reacted more to her friend coming back to life; RT leaning on the Fourth Wall doesn’t fully remove the sting. ("It seems we will have to wait!”)  We also never see any of our protagonists outside of Ruby even react to the revelation of a robotic life form.  When they meet Penny again at V7′s start, apparently ALL of them, even Oscar, were so acquainted with Penny’s story that none of them had any questions for her the entire Volume.  There was no sense of betrayed trust, or trauma from watching one friend be ripped apart by another.  These are disappointments, but not deal breakers.  Now, I want to talk about how post-Ambrosius Penny may fit in with the rest of the story.  Maybe it’s stupid of me to try to get this out by 4 in the morning the day the finale drops, but I’m on a role, and I want to get my ideas out in the open before they’re tainted by hindsight.  Otherwise I won’t feel like even finishing this.  

I’m not going to launch into a tangent with the metaphysical mechanics on whether Penny’s new body would have ‘logically’ been conjured or not.  (For the record I think it works).  I just want to talk about the message the show is conveying, and what they could do with it.  My base assumption is that Cinder is going to get the Winter Maiden power.  It would be great way to coincide with her (GASP) actual character development this volume.  But more importantly, if she doesn’t succeed in her goal, and get an upgrade to compete with our leveled-up protagonists, I can’t see how she can be an interesting or threatening villain going forward.  A few ways this can end for Penny:

Pietro could give up the last bit of his life to bring her back. ��He’d probably need to get assistance from Abrosius, since he’s lacking in equipment; he’s a brilliant scientist, so explaining it certainly wouldn’t be an obstacle.  Maybe Penny would be back to being a synthetic, maybe she remains organic.  Either way, it’s a compromise with having a functional villain, while keeping around a fandom darling.  Personally, I think RT needs to evoke the spirit of Volume 3, and make people cry.

Actually killing Penny would be bold and stand-out.  By taking away Penny’s function of a core that can be salvaged (as explained at the start of Volume 7), and having her body get incinerated just like Pyrrha, RT can fully signal “This character is dead, and can’t be resurrected.”  The heart break would be brilliant, with Penny getting to know the joys of an organic body just to be immediately ripped away from life.  This would beautifully parallel with General Ironwood.  James clamped down on human emotion because he thought it would give him the strength to stand against the darkness.  Penny’s friends made her MORE human in a loving act of rescue, but now have to watch as she dies like any other human.  Both characters would be cautionary tales regarding the Atlas Arc’s question of Trust.  To leave yourself open.

Alrighty, now that I’ve gotten to feel like an intellectual by making some proclamations of doom, I want to throw out a tinfoil hat theory that actually combines the two previous versions.  What’s fascinated me for years, and the show hasn’t re-visited, is the nature of Cinder’s parasite.  Can Cinder talk to it?  Will it begin gaining sentience?  What’s relevant to Penny is what exactly this thing DOES.  When it comes to it’s soul-power-absorbing function, we’ve never actually seen it’s full extent.  The process with Amber was interrupted, with half the power just zipping over to Cinder after Amber expired.  With Raven and Penny’s power, Cinder’s arm only got a little taste of them both, since both of their captures were unsuccessful.  What if Cinder’s parasite can absorb more than raw power?  Pinnochio is eventually swallowed by a monstrous beast.  We were all sure it would be The Whale.  But what if it’s Cinder?

I’ll be watching the finale in about 5 hours.  The idea that I could be correct about something that takes everyone else off guard (Penny’s death) has an electric feeling, and I totally understand why people can get hung up on the stories they compose in their head.  But I don’t want to start thinking any of MY ideas HAVE to come true for me to get joy from whatever happens to Penny or Volume 8.  Regardless, reviewing character arcs that preceded wherever we are in the present is always worthwhile.  

[kimjoongs]

—ateez college au series [psh]

so seonghwa is a nursing major bc why not and no this isnt bc im also a nursing major or maybe it is idk shh

he wanted to become a nurse bc his mom was one, and he saw how much she adored her job

plus seonghwa is a self-less and caring person, so this was the perfect choice for him

he lives in an apartment on campus with his roommate hongjoong and it’s both a blessing and a curse

it was a blessing because his and hongjoong’s personalities matched very well, so they rarely had arguments

but it was also a curse bc joong was a music production major so he’d be producing music in his room, which normally wasn’t a problem, but on nights where seonghwa was studying for his exams, hongjoong would be in the room next door blasting music

usually all seonghwa had to do was knock on his door and ask him to keep it down, but there were nights where he would just pack up his stuff and study at the campus library instead

he often stayed for about 3-4 hours or more if he had an exam the next day

hwa really liked anatomy and phys but absolutely despised chemistry

“what the hell is the difference between polar and nonpolar? wait, why does this lewis structure only have 2 bonds? shouldn’t it have 3? ah shit i forgot an electron–”

sometimes hongjoong would come out of his room to get a glass of water only to find hwa asleep at the kitchen table with a copy of the periodic table on his head

he loves getting to wear his scrubs on lab day bc 1) scrubs are super comfortable and 2) it gets him excited thinking about the future

he also started volunteering at the nursing college in the labs

he’d help the lab ops set up the labs, refill the fluids, repack the medication, or clean up the simulation rooms

this also gave him the opportunity to get to know his future professors, and he would never admit it, but whilst he was volunteering, he would admire the older nursing students wearing the official university scrubs

it made him that much more determined to get into nursing school

during his first semester his second year, he had less of a workload compared to his first year, so he had more free time and was able to go out more

one day hongjoong asked seonghwa if he wanted to hang out with a few of his friends, and he said yes

so the two of them went out to this nearby boba cafe where hongjoong’s friends mingi, san, and wooyoung were waiting for him

you were there as well, tagging along as a mutual friend of san’s, and he introduced you to the two them

“hey hongjoong, seonghwa, this is my friend y/n! i hope it’s cool if they come along. i needed to drag them out of their room or else they’d be studying for hours on end,” san teased, knocking your head lightly w his fist

you stuck your tongue out at him then turned to shake hongjoong’s and seonghwa’s hands

when you made eye contact with the latter, his face lit up with recognition “oh wait, y/n? you’re in my pathophysiology class right?”

“oh yeah, i sit right behind you. nice to meet you, seonghwa!” you flashed him a smile, and he smile back

after everyone introduced themselves, you all found a table and ordered your drinks

mingi, san, and seonghwa sat on one side of the booth whilst you, wooyoung, and hongjoong sat on the other

you were quite surprised, and quite relieved, at how well you were fitting in and getting along with hongjoong and seonghwa…especially seonghwa

during the time that you all were together, seonghwa found out that you were a nursing major too and the two of you launched into a full blown discussion about it, unaware of the looks the others were giving you both

hongjoong had a faint smile on his face, mingi was chuckling and shaking his head, and san and wooyoung were giving each other knowing smirks

at the end of the night, seonghwa had asked you for your number in case yall wanted to study tgt, and you happily obliged

then you all said your farewells and went your separate ways

a few days pass and you don’t hear from seonghwa, which was quite understandable considering the fact that it was midterm season and you were both busy

but you were also kind of looking forward to study with him, he seemed really smart and self-disciplined which was exactly the type of study buddy you needed

but another couple days pass and lo and behold you receive a text from the one and only park seonghwa that reads: hey you wanna study tgt for the patho exam at the library today?

ofc you said yes and half an hr later, you found yourself at the library sitting right across from seonghwa

the two of you had your laptops, notebooks, and handouts spread all over the tables and were completely in the zone

after an hr or two of straight studying, you suggested taking a small break and that’s where the two of you got to talking abt nursing and why you both chose to major in it

“well my mom’s a nurse, and when i was younger she would always talk about how much she loved her job. she’s super hardworking and cares about her patients, and that’s how i want to be someday. plus as a nurse, if i could just make someone’s day just a little bit better, then that’s all that matters to me.”

needless to say, you were captivated by the raw passion and love seonghwa had for his future career, and you couldn’t help but admire him for it

after your short break, the two of you went back to studying, but this time yall would often make eye contact and send each other encouraging smiles

you found yourself slowly becoming more comfortable with seonghwa as the time passed by

and after that, the two you started having more and more study sessions, growing closer and closer

whenever an exam or quiz was coming up, you two would always be found studying tgt whether it was at his apartment or the library

and that’s when the hesi exam came in

the amount of time you guys spent studying for regular exams was nothing compared to the amount of time yall spent studying for the hesi

on the day of, you and hwa were practically freaking out

“oh my god y/n i’m so scared. what if i forget how to do the conversions? what if i forget everything i learned in anatomy? what if i forget basic grammar–”

“hwa shut up you’re making me nervous!”

basically yall are a wreck from the beginning of the exam all the way to the end, and once yall walk out of that testing room you almost collapse

anyways fast forward a few weeks later it’s almost the end of the semester and also around the time where you would be receiving your letter saying whether or not you were accepted into the program

it was a friday night and the entire gang was at your apartment having a movie night

you were looking thru your emails when you stumbled upon one from your university, and when you saw what the subject was you screamed, scaring the living daylights out of mingi who was sitting next you

“y/n what the hell–” “guys, guys my nursing school letter came in oh my god, oh my god!”

the entire room went silent for a millisecond before san let out a shriek and soon everyone was crowding around you

hongjoong gripped seonghwa’s shoulder “did you get yours yet?”

the latter’s eyes widened in realization and he also whipped out his phone, letting out a choked gasp when he saw the same email “mine came in too!”

at this point all of yall were freaking the hell out, and you and seonghwa somehow found each other’s hands and held them tightly tgt

“okay, okay, okay!” you reposition yourself on the couch so you were facing your fellow nursing major “on the count of three we open it at the same time, yeah?” all seonghwa did was nod

“alright, one…two…three!” everyone held their breath and it seemed like an eternity had passed…and then you and seonghwa jumped up from the couch

“i got in!” you yelled at the same time, which caused the others to belt out the loudest cheers you’ve ever heard

overwhelmed with excitement and pride, you threw yourself onto seonghwa and gave him the tightest hug, and he wrapped his arms around your waist, gently lifting you off the ground

when you guys separated, both your eyes widened at the lack of space btwn the two of you, and you immediately jumped away from each other

“um,” you cleared your throat “i’m…i’m really proud of you, hwa.” he gave you the softest of smiles, one that made your heart race even more than it was right now

“i’m proud of you too, y/n.”

aaaand fast forward again to the beginning of the next semester! you and seonghwa were officially in the clinical portion of the nursing program which meant you two were now able to wear the university’s official nursing scrubs seonghwa probably cried a little when he first tried his on

and since yall were in the program tgt, you saw each other more frequently, even more compared to the previous semester

which certainly didnt help alleviate the strong emotions you were feeling ever since the two of you shared that small, intimate moment just a couple months prior

before you didnt use to feel anything when you hung out with seonghwa, but now just thinking abt him was enough to get you all giddy and nervous at the same time

it had reached a point where you couldnt take it anymore, so you decided to seek help from the one person who knew seonghwa best: his best friend and roommate, hongjoong

when you met up with him and poured out what it was you were feeling, hongjoong sent you a fond, knowing smile “y/n…you like him. romantically, i mean.” 

you gaped “i…what?”

“you, y/n, have romantic feelings for my best friend, seonghwa.”

“i..i like him? i don’t…i don’t have–” you froze upon seeing the way hongjoong raised his eyebrows at you

“i…i like…i like seonghwa,” you finally breathed out. hongjoong’s gaze softened and he chuckled “took you long enough…now if only seonghwa could stop being a coward and just ask you out already,” he mumbled the second part under his breath

not knowing what to do with the information you had just uncovered abt yourself, you thought it’d a good idea (read: it was the stupidest idea) to distance yourself from seonghwa for a bit, just long enough for you to process the thoughts racing thru your mind

you were unaware, however, of how you distancing yourself might look like from seonghwa’s pov

he’s noticed you not hanging out with him as much anymore outside of class, and during class whenever he’d try to talk to you, you’d just scurry over to the other side of the room

he started getting worried and, ironically, he went to hongjoong for advice

upon hearing what’s been going on, hongjoong sighed loudly and slammed his hands down on the counter

“okay, initially i wasn’t going to say anything because i wanted the two of you to find out on your own, but obviously that isn’t going to happen so i’m just going to say it. y/n’s avoiding you because they realized they’ve fallen head over heels in love with you and don’t know how to react. so hwa, please be a nice guy and help them figure it out if you catch my drift.”

at that, hongjoong walked out and into his room, leaving an open-mouthed seonghwa frozen in the kitchen, he was at a loss for words

he knew hongjoong knew abt his feelings for you, but he didn’t think you’d feel the same

after contemplating whether or not what he was abt to do was a good idea or not, seonghwa simply said “screw it” and dashed out the door, heading straight for your apartment

once he arrived, he knocked rapidly on your front door

you had barely opened the door when seonghwa practically slid right in

“seonghwa? what are you doing he–”

“y/n, i’m sorry for just barging in but i need to ask you something really important and i want you to be completely honest.”

you gasped softly at the way he was looking at you, it was so intense and so serious you’ve never seen him like that before

“uh, okay? what’s going on?” you asked nervously

“do you have feelings for me?”

you choked “w-what?!”

“i talked to hongjoong and asked him for advice bc you’ve been avoiding me the past few days, and he said it’s bc you like me. is that true?”

you didn’t know what to say, the familiar warm feeling in your stomach came back and you found it difficult to maintain eye contact with seonghwa

a few seconds of silence passed, and you could see seonghwa’s serious gaze slowly start to crumble and all of a sudden you panicked

“yes! y-yes…it’s true. i do have feelings for you,” your voice trailed off at the end, but you knew he heard you when he saw him stiffen up

he let out a shaky breath “how long?”

“huh?”

“how long have you liked me, y/n?” he asked more firmly

“u-um, i’m not sure? i honestly didn’t start noticing i felt like this until about two months ago when we found we got accepted. although, the more i think about it, i’ve been attracted to you since our first study session together. the way you talked so passionately about your future and how dedicated you were into making it come true made me feel something, and what you said was really inspiring to me and i just–”

your sentence was interrupted by a pair of lips connecting with your own, and it took a second for you to realize that…seonghwa was kissing you

oh my god…oh my god seonghwa was kissing you

once you finally registered what was happening, he pulled away from you, eyes wide and cheeks flushed

“oh..oh shit, y/n i’m so sorry! i didn’t mean to–i should’ve asked for your permission first. i’m so so sorry!”

seonghwa tried to take a step back, but you grabbed his wrist before he could

“y-y/n?” he stared at you

you couldn’t wait anymore. not after that.

“please, do that again.”

now it was seonghwa’s turn to choke on his breath “h-huh?”

you tightened your grip on his wrist “seonghwa, this is me giving you permission. kiss me again.”

and he did

unlike the first kiss, this one was much longer and more heartfelt. you felt his arms snake around your waist, tugging you closer and closer

you could feel the way your cheeks were heating up, but at the moment you didn’t care, wanting this moment to last forever

but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end

“hey y/n, who was at the doo–holy shit!” at the sight of you and seonghwa, mingi let out the loudest screech, causing the two of you to jump away from each other

“oh fuck i forgot san and mingi were here,” you cursed under your breath. seonghwa stood next to you, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck

mingi still remained where he was in the hallway, mouth wide open in shock before he recollected himself “ohoho my god, san! text wooyoung and tell him he owes me dinner!” and with that, mingi took off running down the hall and into one of the rooms

and once again you were left alone w seonghwa

for the longest time, the two of you just stood there, refusing to speak nor look at each other

the room was so silent you could practically hear both of your hearts racing

“so uh…does this mean you and i are…?” seonghwa asked sheepishly, taking a small step towards you

you glanced up at him and couldn’t help but giggle at the hopeful look on his face

you turned towards him and flashed him the brightest grin “yeah, we are.”

the smile that appeared on seonghwa’s face at that moment was enough to take your breath away, and you had to physically restrain yourself from kissing him again

instead you opted for taking his hand in yours and entwining your fingers tgt

now that you and seonghwa were officially dating, it made studying that much more fun

when you guys started doing your clinicals, it became hard for yall to see each other, but it made your time tgt much more special when you did have time

seonghwa is a very touchy and cuddly person, so whenever there’s a short break in btwn lab or lecture, he’ll either be sitting next to you with his head on your shoulder or his arm around your shoulder and your head on his chest

the other nursing students (and sometimes the professors) would scream at how cute yall were

and bro if you thought seonghwa was your biggest motivator before you started dating, then he’s even bigger motivator now

when he quizzes you, he’ll always give you a kiss on the cheek if you answer a question correctly, or when you come back from a particularly rough shift he’ll be there to hold you and tell you that you did your best

oh yeah and to cheer you up he’ll say a bunch of anatomy jokes

“hey y/n, i aorta tell you how much i love you”

“oh god, hwa don’t even start.”

“oh c’mon, quit ovary-acting.”

“park seonghwa”

“you’re going tibia okay”

“i’m breaking up with you”

[incomingalbatross]

Tonight’s the night for more Catholic Batfam headcanons because I say so.

As outlined in this post, in this world Bruce was raised Catholic, drifted away somewhat in adolescence, and regained his faith and active practice during his Training World Tour. Further thoughts (some of which I’ve already stated, but put together a little better, I think):

Bruce doesn’t have a regular spiritual director in Gotham. Instead he just goes to Confession to a few different parish priests he likes—taking precautions so that people don’t see Bruce Wayne in the Confession lines just to be safe—and starts every Confession with “I’m Batman” because he feels it’s necessary context. This feels logical to me but also highly entertaining.

When he moved back into Wayne Manor and started fixing it up, his first big project outside of the Cave was converting one of the ballrooms into a family chapel. (Yes, the Manor had two ballrooms. Yes, Bruce also thinks that was excessive.) It’s dedicated to St. Michael, with side niches for statues of Our Lady and St. Joseph, and other saints along the walls/in the new stained-glass windows. He can’t keep the Eucharist there, of course, but there’s a Tabernacle built into the altar just to be thorough. Mass could be said there.

He also sets up outdoor Stations of the Cross in the Manor grounds, though that comes later. There’s landscaping and a path to take you through them. He prays the Stations every Friday.

Alfred is a practicing Anglican, BTW. He and Bruce have agreed to disagree, but they don’t hesitate to share their common ground. Alfred does make use of the chapel. (I believe St. Michael is his Confirmation saint here, actually. Which Bruce knew when he designed the chapel.)

When Dick comes along, he’s very much a non-denominational Christian. He was baptized and his parents read the Bible with him and taught him to pray, but living on the road didn’t give them a lot of formal religion. They did have informal services at Haly’s on Sundays, though.

Bruce didn’t want to push him (partly because he’s oversensitive to the idea of “making a kid go against his dead parents”), so he didn’t really actively try to convert him. Dick went to church with him or Alfred, growing up, and remained a believer, but I don’t think he had a deep or a formally religious spiritual life. He does have a great deal of respect for Bruce’s, though.

Then Jason came along.

Jason is a FIERCELY Catholic little Irish-American with a battered rosary he was given for his First Communion and a strong devotion to the Holy Family (because Catherine Todd was a deeply pro-life Catholic woman and raised her boy accordingly, and I will die on this hill). I’m not sure if he’s ever had an opportunity to be an altar server but I know he WANTS it. One of the first and biggest ways he and Bruce click is through their shared Faith.

Bruce has his own chapel! Bruce talks to him about religious things, and helps him get to Mass and the Sacraments, and signed up for regular serving duty at their parish! Bruce buys him saint books and listens to his half-articulate spiritual troubles and understands.

Bruce, meanwhile, is equally blown away by this tiny street child’s vehement love for Our Lady and the Blessed Sacrament and the beauties and stories of the Catholic Church, the way he clings to Holy Mother Church all the more for the absence of an earthly family, and how hungry he is for a stronger spiritual life. Bruce wants to give him everything.

Of course, Jason is far from a perfect child—he struggles with anger, anger which is founded in his hatred of suffering and injustice but which he doesn’t always know what to do with, or how to handle. He loves God deeply, but sometimes—especially as he starts maturing, becoming more and more aware of the world beyond his own life—he finds himself angry at Him, raging against the cruelty and injustice in the world and asking how? why? Why would You allow this?

On the whole, though, Jason is doing okay. He has Bruce, and he has his Faith. He’s confirmed at thirteen, a year after meeting Bruce, and he picks St. John Bosco as his patron saint. He prays to him for help in directing his passions to help the poor and vulnerable, rather than falling into anger and ill-will.

He doesn’t mention it to Bruce, yet, but as he keeps growing up he starts to feel like... maybe... he wants to be a priest? Maybe THAT’S what he’s supposed to do with his life? He keeps thinking about it...slowly, because it’s a Big Deal and he keeps doubting himself and he IS just fifteen, still, and having struggles with his temperament and the effects of of his past. But he keeps feeling more strongly like this is the right path for him.

And then he finds out his mother, who loved him and raised him and gave him everything he has, isn’t his mother. And he goes investigating this, because he has to, he has to know who his other mother is and if he can get to know her.

And then he is murdered, betrayed and and beaten, and still trying desperately to save the woman who sold him to the Joker.

(Jason Todd died a hero’s death and this is ALSO a hill I will die on.)

I haven’t figured out what quirk of the multiverse made Jason NOT 100% dead (the Lazarus Pit can’t bring back really-quite-sincerely-dead people or it would be way too OP and also HORRIFYING), but there’s something. Bat-Mite meddling? Superboy Prime punching the universe is dumb, but it’s DEFINITELY better than Talia stealing Jason’s corpse.

Anyway.

Quite frankly, at this point, Bruce’s faith is the only thing that keeps him sane.

He has his boy buried in the family cemetery, with the funeral Mass in the chapel.

He was really hoping one of his boys would be married there, first. Or even that Jason would say a Mass there, someday.

(He didn’t know Jason had thought about that too, but a parent hopes this kind of hope anyway.)

But no. Jason is buried. Bruce struggles with his own rage, and grief, and despair. He spends a lot of time in the chapel. ...Sometimes it helps.

And then little Tim Drake shows up, INSISTING that “Batman needs a Robin!” And things change again.

Tim (since this is focusing on the religious aspects of characters) is not Catholic. I BELIEVE he’s Protestant (don’t know which type), and likes starting debates with Bruce when things are too quiet. Bruce only engages sometimes, because when it gets too earnest he can be painfully reminded of his discussions with Jason—keep in mind, Jason is the first kid he really DID discuss religion with—and his childishly wholehearted Catholicism and Tim’s cheerfully stubborn Protestant opposition can make for a jarring contrast.

It’s good, though. Bruce doesn’t have anyone to share the fullness of his faith with, again... but that’s just one of the many smaller losses involved in his loss of Jason. He adjusts.

And Tim is earnest about his own faith, even if he doesn’t talk about it much to anyone other than Bruce and Alfred (who he knows also take Christianity seriously and will treat his views with respect). He doesn’t use the chapel as much as either of them—or even Dick, who grew up with it and goes there to pray or even just think things out whenever he’s in residence—but he does use the space sometimes, when he wants guaranteed quiet and a prayerful atmosphere.

He also somehow becomes church friends with Clark Kent, who as an archetypal Midwesterner is PROBABLY Protestant here.

Do he and Clark convert Kon between them? Again, PROBABLY.

...This is very long and it’s getting late, so I will stop here for now. I’d like to do another post on Red Hood and Damian and Bruce’s “death” at some point... we will see how that goes.

EDIT: Also, I forgot! Credit to @why-bless-your-heart for Protestant Tim—all I knew about Tim was that I didn’t know what to do with him, but her take was Good and so I have adopted it. But I should give credit where credit is due.

[bangtanblurbs]

abyss

song: abyss by jin

first experience: as a relatively new song, i remember clearly abyss’ drop. 12/2/2020 - several months into whatever quarantine had come to mean by that point, thanksgiving had just past and christmas was coming up in a matter of weeks. those few weeks between the holidays often pass by in a blur for me. holidays are hard. they’re not the romantic times they always were when i was a child. once again i’d been sitting at home in my tiny studio apartment, freezing, trying to crank through work and school obligations. i can assure you my headspace was less than great, between the cold, the holiday season, the deadlines that had piled up... abyss dropping was the perfect medicine for how i was feeling. 

feelings: when i listen to abyss i can’t help but feel emotional. of course. naturally the accompanying note that came with abyss was heartbreaking enough. but at the same time, the song feels like home. it feels like walking into my apartment after a long day and slipping into my favorite hoodie that desperately needs to be thrown into the wash. the familiar feeling brings about warmth despite the sobering reality that i’m still here, by myself, slipping into my ratty clothing and climbing into bed to disassociate from the self-hatred, stress, obligation, and grief i carry daily. the reality is, listening to abyss is like listening to my inner voice. i’m not saying i understand jin, or any of the shit he’s obviously gone through and dealt with in his very colorful life, but i feel close to him whenever i put the song on. i feel like as i grow older - i grow into myself - i grow into the pain i’ve harbored for years now. while i sometimes feel like i’m drowning in the abyss, at least i have the comfort that my feelings aren’t as alien as they seem. especially for someone who has been fortunate in life in many ways - this song shows me that i’m still *allowed* to hurt. i’m still allowed to carry my pain and feel it flow through me. 

i must also say, that my heart broke many times know that jin feels the emotions that abyss conveys. the self-doubt, the anxiety... how we all must wish we could wash it away. i only hope with all of my heart that he’s been given time, space, and resources to process his emotions fully. i can’t imagine carrying what he’s carrying and having the schedule he has. bless. 

personal connection: as alluded to, i’m not the most stable person. i can post happy photos online, i can breathe my idealism into others, i can love with the full capacity of my heart - but i have plenty of demons. i’m not sure where they came from, i noticed them around the time i became a teenager - that sinking feeling that all aspects of my existence are ugly, undesirable, annoying. these demons have never gone away. no matter how much i strive for my dreams, no matter what i accomplish, the amount of solitude that exists in my life allows for the cracks in my heart to rip open forcefully. 

it’s this very thinking that limits me. i don’t believe in myself. i don’t really believe in anything if i’m being honest. everything feels dark. there’s ups and downs. much how jin describes in the song - i desperately want to be a part of a more vibrant existence. i deeply want to connect with others, but the anxiety, the self doubt, the hatred i harbor, they’re paralyzing. simple tasks - texting a friend to make plans, following through with plans, speaking in a group setting, advocating for myself, they’re all things i’d rather shut the door on. vulnerability? i can’t open myself up for any more pain. in my mind, i’d rather retreat to the darkness, convincing myself i’m not worthy of taking another’s time, space, efforts. and i get overwhelmed, the feelings that jin is describing perfectly - having someone take an interest in me - having someone show me love... it feels false, it takes my breath away, only makes me question more. it makes me wonder how long i’ll indulge them before i push them away and move to my own abyss. 

in abyss jin isn’t even talking about another person. he’s speaking to himself. there’s not a romantic or even friendship he’s speaking of in the song. it’s more about like - is it okay for me to feel happy or hopeful? am i someone who should be allowed to meet happiness? this is something i relate to even more profoundly than the previously mentioned worries over letting new people into my life. ever since i went off to university from my kinda shitty hometown i wondered... is this life something i’m allowed to have for myself? am i worthy of it? did i do anything to deserve the place i’m at? i feel often like my work, my thoughts, my actions -- they’re not enough to place me in some of the places i’ve been lucky enough to have a seat. these doubts can cripple me with inaction and keep me chained to the present, or at the very least held back from progress and moving forward. these feelings were exactly what i was going through in december. do i deserve to be pursuing my phd? am i worthy? i haven’t accomplished near what my peers have, and i probably never will... i’m not as passionate as the others i pass by in the hallways, those i share a floor with at meetings... i’m a shell compared to them. should i retreat to my abyss rather than continue to occupy space where i don’t feel i’m allowed to be? am i allowed to celebrate and feel happiness when i’m not really doing as well as i could be?

obviously this sounds like whining, it sounds pathetic. and perhaps to someone it is, but it’s the reality of my mind. it’s something i bear and it’s something i’m finally okay sharing with others. i don’t know how to overcome these emotions i harbor - but that feeling of feeling most comfortable in my abyss, in the dark, in the little world i’ve created in my lonely haven... that’s my reality. that’s the feeling that i’ve connected to when i listen to abyss. it’s those moments when you look our your window, at your phone, and you see the outside world moving rapidly in the sunlight, and you can’t help but feel you don’t deserve to be a part of it... you can’t help but know that your true place is in the abyss. the pleasure i receive from escaping reality is unexplainable. and sometimes, it’s pleasure in the fact that i’m punishing myself, putting myself in the dark and ugly place i think i truly belong. that abyss - it’s my haven. it’s my sanctuary. 

song breakdown:

musically: abyss is beautifully understated musically, but not in a way that makes it a stripped vocal song... but instead in a way that highlights the emotion laden in jin’s voice. the piano backing picks up with the song and brings in some effects along the way to highlight the emotional pauses between the heavy lyrics. its the perfect ballad. truly. the incorporation of a steady beat track at the second verse also ads to the emotions of feeling like something is dragging, the monotony of these emotions as one carries through each day. 

the dramatic pauses that lead into the verses and highlight the pure emotion carried in jin’s tone also bring emphasis to the powerful refrain in the chorus - it’s almost reminiscent of personal realizations, personal *epiphanies* one might say. that moment where you draw in a big breath and gulp it down before confronting your demons. while the track keeps it’s steady pace, it does what it should for this piece - highlights the beauty of jin’s voice, and carries the weight of the emotions in the lyrics. 

vocally: honestly, just wow. jin’s voice, is absolutely stunning in this song. completely breathtaking in the best kind of way. i say this with nothing but complete respect - jin’s vocals have done nothing but improve and grow in strength over time to the complete crisp perfection they are today. the amount of emotion he carries in his tone is also perfect to deliver such a profound ballad as abyss. i hope he knows that we can feel every ounce of truth and healing he put into the song. 

we all know jin is the high note king, but he honestly ops for more of a storytelling vibe in this song, keeping within his lower register throughout the verses. it really isn’t until we are mid-chorus that we get the breathtaking high note during the line “ 잠기고 싶어 가보고 싶어.” this is perhaps the most profound lyric of the chorus as well, since it’s the moment in which jin expresses a desire. most of the lyrics up to that point explain a state of being, his emotions, but at this point - he is almost calling out his desire. his painful desire. to stay lost within in his abyss. it’s painful and stunningly beautiful at the same time.

the genius of the entire song was jin delivering abyss in a way that we don’t always hear him sing in BTS songs. the buttery smoothness of his voice is on full display, with no need to stay in his high register for long we can really hear the weight in his tone, the pleading in his voice, the sincerity. it’s sobering, and it’s powerful. and i must say, i can’t wait to get more songs like this from jin in the future. i hope he continues to share his heart, his voice, and his talent with us. 

lyrically: oh man. this one is a deep cut. you can really feel jin’s voice throughout the lyrics of abyss. the accompanying note that he released with the song brings a lot of context and understanding to the lyrics. in the note jin explains feeling inadequate and insecure in light of the amazing accomplishments that BTS had made over the years, specifically highlighting the #1 on Billboard Hot 100. he explains that he felt like his passion and talents were lacking compared to others in music, and felt undeserving of the love, joy, and recognition he received. his emotions seem to be similar to those of imposter syndrome, feeling like he doesn’t belong in a space he inhabits and actually receives accolades for existing within. what’s more telling is in this note jin expresses his apprehension to share these sadder emotions he harbors. this song is so incredibly raw for being a place in which jin finally found a space in which to express his feelings, let them run freely and beautifully without the concern that he needed to stay strong for ARMY.

to jump right into a closer analysis of the lyrics - the song begins with a story like vibe. the first lyric “i hold my breath as i walk into my sea” brings about the image of the speaker (i apologize in advance if i alternate between speaker and jin) beginning their descent into deeper waters of the ocean. the speaker is bracing for this though, as they are the one propelling it forward with enough pacing to prepare and hold their breath. to me, this is alluding to jin knowing that he’s falling into a darker space in his mind, consciously allowing himself to slip into that space. he then moves into describing his state “i face myself who is crying beautifully and sorrowfully.” jin is describing that he’s taking account of his state, speaking to himself and seeing the distraught state that exists within his mind -- seeping into his outer appearance. 

the pre-chorus moves into a different vibe, jin addresses the duality in himself. he recognizes both the parts of himself that are strong - that can shoulder and carry the parts of him that are deeply broken and sad. “myself in that darkness / i’d like to go find him and tell him” this is jin speaking with clarity to his broken self, his rationality coming through to speak to the parts of him that are insecure and hurting. “that i’d like to know more about you today, yeah” perhaps this is jin’s way of saying that he wishes he understood himself better, that he wishes he could more confidently identify the emotions he was feeling and process them fully. the pre-chorus in my mind is jin using some clarity to check in with himself and take inventory of his state when he’s in his darkest moments.

the chorus picks up and delivers a few devastatingly beautiful and sobering lines. “still, i remain with myself / with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” this is where we see the ultimate conclusion of the engagement in the pre-chorus... jin’s insecurity and pain keeps his strength from winning out. the duality in his being still exists, but in this moment it’s the pain, the insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy that have won out. “that dark place, / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it / i’ll be there” jin then places us back into the story he started in the beginning of the song - he’s submerged in the abyss, the darkest and deepest point of the ocean. he speaks to taking the time to really feel the emotions that he is harboring, causing him pain. while this could be a conscious decision he is making to better understand and process his emotions it’s also likely that this desire is rooted in self-loathing, a desire to self-punish for his perceived shortcomings. the pleasure that sometimes one can gain from fully feeling pain that they believe they deserve. the line about being submerged also brings about the image of an anchor in my mind - like these emotions are weighing jin down. while anchors may sink slowly (like slowly taking a breath and walking into the sea) they’re hard to pull back up -- they want to stay seated to the ground, where they belong to do their job. perhaps jin is in some ways alluding to this. either way, the chorus is about a desire to remain in the dark place, where it feels safe, where he feels he deserves to be. the final line is “today as well, i circle around you again.” which brings us back to the pre-chorus dialogue between jin’s duality - the part of him that may rationally understand that he deserves love, that he works hard, that he is worthy... but yet this part can’t seem to gain control over the darker feelings within him... so there’s this idling, this perpetual circle of inaction. 

moving into the second verse this interaction occurring within jin’s inner being continues. “the closer i get to you, the more breathless i become and the father away you feel” while this line is a bit more difficult for me to completely understand what i think he is speaking to is that as he begins to think he understands his emotions, when he thinks he might be regaining his confidence he realizes he is only scratching the surface. he realizes that there’s more to his darker emotions than he’d initially thought. perhaps he thought he was just having a bad day or feeling in funk, but then he realizes that there’s a piece of him that he doesn’t quite understand and perhaps isn’t ready to understand as the word “breathless” invokes a feeling of overwhelm. the second and closing line of the verse is “wouldn’t it be that you went deeper into the sea, yeah” invoking that these darker emotions only continue to grow, evolve, and perhaps overwhelm. he feels like he can’t quite pull himself out of the place he’s in, no matter what he tries. 

the pre-chrous as analyzed above then repeats, although the meaning is somewhat different when following the second verse. this is because the nature of the second verse is more hopeless in nature, therefore while jin would like to be able to regain some control over these darker feelings -- he’s just expressed that as he tries he finds it more overwhelming and difficult. finds himself moving further into the dark emotions. 

the final chorus is different that the previous - the lyrics change and while they continue a deeply sorrowful theme, they also bring about some hope. the first line, “still, i remain with you” is telling. jin is reminding himself that even if he feels consumed by these emotions, the other components of him still exist. he isn’t just the darker feelings that have taken precedence. he can have his confidence when he’s ready, he can maintain his duality. all aspects of jin, even if he’s feeling broken. “with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” even if he feels he can’t gain control of these emotions, he can be patient with himself, he can know that there’s the potential that he can overcome, but also he knows that it’s okay in this moment to just feel. “that dark place / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it” this line is re-emphasizing jin’s desire to stay in the place where he feels comfortable, where he can feel his darker emotions, where he things he truly deserves to be. “today as well, like this, i close my eyes to get to you.” this is the final line of the song and it delivers a sense of comfort. no matter what, jin knows that he can be at peace - he may have these darker emotions, but he can close his eyes, he can rest and carry all aspects of his emotional state. the dark, the light, the highs and the lows. he can take his time in the abyss when he needs to. 

tl;dr? abyss is one of those songs that anyone who has struggled with self-doubt, dabbled or dipped fully into self-hatred can identify with. many people i’m sure have their own abyss. their own place in their mind where they’d like to lock themselves in - a prison of their own design that in one way might be one’s punishment for their perceived shortcomings, but also can be a paradise when a beautiful being seemingly undeserved reality feels like too much to bear. jin’s artistry both in terms of lyrics and vocals are on full display in the song - showing his amazing range and delivering a piece full of emotional tones. abyss is a stunning piece of the man’s mind and heart that i am extremely grateful to be able to experience. 

[jawritter]

Gifted Hands

Part 1

Request: That surgeon Jensen story was so amazing. Bless the anon who requested that & bless you for writing it😂 reading that I had idea, if you could write another Jensen story, maybe it could be the reader having a major surgery and she is scared so Jensen being her surgeon prepping her from like a month? He stays with her while anaesthesia and then takes care of her? Oh oh, you can maybe add some funny, embarrassing moments, like catheter? That sounded weird but it would make an interesting story😂

Warnings: None really in this one. Medical terms, Jensen being adorable, Jensen in scrubs, (Yes that’s a warning damn it!) I think a little language? 

Pairing: Surgeon!Jensen x Reader, OFC Mckayla x Reader

Word Count: 1986

Want More? Check Out My Masterlist!

*****MASTERLIST****

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Sitting in the cold sterile room of the smell of lysol, bleach, and other strong cleansers assaulted your nose. 

Pulling your jacket that you were wearing tighter around you, you looked around the room at the different medical posters and charts that littered the walls of the small cubical type room, trying to move your body as little as possible, because the crinkling sound of the paper underneath you made your skin crawl. 

You hated hospitals, and if it wasn’t for the fact that the pain and discomfort in your hip had gotten just about unbearable you wouldn’t even be here right now. 

You don’t really even remember when it started, but you do remember when it got to the point where you couldn’t ignore it anymore.

You were standing in your living room like you do every day, working on your latest painting before you had to get ready to go downtown for the art exhibit show tonight, when it started as a low ache way deep down in your hip, then worked its way down your leg. Then before you knew it every step was painful, and now here you are. Sitting alone on a cold hospital gurney/bed thing, waiting on the x ray results. 

You don’t know how you could have possibly hurt yourself. Your job didn’t exactly require a whole lot of physical activities. You painted, you stood a lot, you walked around in heels, which was honestly the most dangerous part of the job. 

You didn’t go to the gym all the time, you didn’t run a marathon, you didn’t do anything to cause this, so why were you here? Was the universe just against you or something?

It probably wouldn’t be so bad if you had someone here to help you, someone in town you could call on to stay here with you and keep you company. 

Alas though you didn’t have a soul. You were a loner by nature, and you really had no family left after your mom passed away several years ago. So that means it’s just you. You are all you have to count on. 

You were seriously about to go and ask the nurse sitting out at the desk in front of the room you were sitting at if they had lost your results, because it felt like it was taking forever when a you heard a knocking sound on the door before it opened. 

“Hello Miss Y/L/N sorry to have kept you waiting, I’m Mckayla, the physicians assistant on call for tonight. You shook the woman’s hand and made a failed attempt to smile back at her, but you were just ready to get the hell away from here. So your anxiety made it kind of hard to put on a show as good as you wanted to. 

“How are you feeling? Did the medication they have you when you took your x rays help with the pain level?” She asked you, looking over your charts.

You nodded your head when she looked up at you for your answer. 

“Some, but honestly it’s still there in the background always. Just more bearable.” You told her and she nodded at you for a moment.

“Well from what I can tell from you x ray results, you have what is called Hip Dysplasia.” She said matter of factly the way medical people tended to do, like you where just supposed to know what the fuck they were talking about, like everyone had taken the same damn classes they had, and that’s why we sit in these God forsaken places and wait for them to come in and tell us shit that makes no sense what so ever, and expect us to know what the hell they’re talking about. 

Before you could asked her to dumb that down for you, another man in scrubs entered your room. Holding a clipboard and what looked like a copy of your x ray.

This man was absolutely the most beautiful man that you had ever laid eyes on.

Perfect bowed legs that went all the way up and made a tight little ass of themselves. That seemed to show itself off insultingly perfectly in those dark blue scrubs he was wearing. A thin waist, that turned into a thick chest and shoulders. Going up to make a perfect God-like face on an absolutly lickable neck and jawline. What skin you could see was scattered with freckles. His eyes the most piercing green you’d ever seen. His perfect pink lips pressed tightly together. Brow furrowed in concentration as he looked over the paperwork in front of him. The man was sin on legs. You were certain he was probably illegal in some states to be that damn gorgeous. 

“What my coworker here means to say is. Your hip socket doesn't fully cover the ball portion of the upper thigh bone.” 

He flipped on the light on the x-ray projector and threw up your x-ray. Pointing at your hip joint with the back of his pin. 

“It’s something people are born with, but don’t even know they have it until they’re adults. It makes it really easy for your hip to pop completely out of socket, and therefore causing you a great deal of pain. Your hips are currently out of place. That’s the result of the pain you feel.” 

Blinking to clear your head from the green eyes that were holding you captive. You cleared your throat and asked him what most people would be more worried about than how fucking hot your the man is. 

“Well how do we fix it?” You asked him, and he smiles at you softly. Making your heart flutter in your chest. 

“Well the only cure for it is surgery to correct the condition. I could pop your hip back in place, and send you home, but you’d be right back here in a month or less with the same problem.”

Coming over the gurney you were sitting on he feels around on your hip bone gently, and you repress the shudder that wants to so desperately rip through your body at his touch.

“My name is Jensen by the way, I’m the head surgeon here, I’ll be the one performing the operation.” He said. Giving you another warm smile before removing his hands from you, taking notes on his little clipboard.  

“Wait, wait, I can’t have surgery! I have NO ONE to help me at home, I live alone. How bad is this surgery? Is it like a day surgery? Will I wake up and be fine to take care of myself?”

Jensen places a reassuring hand on your knee and your momentarily distracted form you minor panic attack at the thought of surgery. 

“Mckayla why don’t you give me a minute here with Miss…” 

“Y/n.”

“Y/n, and I’ll fill her in on her options and recovery time, all that stuff.” Jensen said. Looking over his shoulder at Mckayla. She nods at him and leaves the room. Jensen waiting until she shuts the door before talking to you again. 

“Listen I don’t want you to panic, but this is a pretty major surgery. The cut is pretty invasive, just about a two or three inch cut right above the groin, and a cut about the same size right above the buttox. It does take quite a bit of recovering though. It’s about a five to seven day stay in the hospital post op, and it takes about three to six weeks to get to where you are moving around pretty good again. You will have to do some physical therapy too. So you don’t have ANYONE that can help you?” Jensen said. His hand is still resting on your knee. 

Shaking your head you didn’t speak at first, you didn’t want to cry in front of him, but you were feeling a little overwhelmed by the information he just gave you. How were you going to live alone, and recover from this? This was impossible. 

“I don’t have anyone. I live alone, and I don’t have any family or friends I can really call.. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.” 

Jensen looked you over, his face calm. His features seemed almost… Sad��

“Well the preop takes about a month to get you ready for. I’m going to reset your hip the best I can today, but we’re going to have to have you come in and i’m going to have to take regular x rays, so that I can monitor how your hip is moving now, and determine from there what it’s going to take me to fix it.” Jensen took a deep breath, looking around the room for a moment like he was lost in thought before looking back at you.

“Do me a favor sweetheart, do the surgery, don’t worry about the recovery and all that, let me do the surgery, and we’ll figure out the rest as it comes. I don’t want to see you in pain, when I can fix it. Okay?”

“Jensen I don’t think you understand I have no one at all to help me, this is going to put me down for a long time… I don’t know what to do…” 

Putting your head in your hands you took a deep breath, willing yourself not to start bawling like a big baby.

“Y/n.” Jensen’s deep voice was gentle when it spoke to you again. “Listen to me. If I have to I’ll take care of you until you get back on your feet. Okay? I’m not going to let you be left alone in this recovery.”

Looking up at him you were a little confused by what you heard. 

“Jensen you can’t stop your whole life to take care of me for three to six weeks. I’m a complete stranger! We don’t even know each other!” 

“Y/n, stop worrying. I know asking you to trust me is a lot, but I want to do this, please let me do this.” 

You looked at him confused for a moment. 

“How do I know I can trust you, why do you want to do this?” 

Jensen smiled at you again softly. “Sweetheart you can trust me I promise. I’m not going to take you somewhere and murder you ro something… There’s just something about you… I don’t know… I can’t put my finger on it, but I want to help you, so please, will you let me help you?”

Taking a deep breath you nod your head finally. Deciding you had no choice but to trust this gorgeous stranger that was quickly becoming your very own little guardian angel apparently. 

“Okay, Okay, Fine. I’ll do it, but on one condition.” You tell him and he takes his hands away from leg and leans on the gurney closer to you than was probably medically professional, but you didn’t mind at all. I mean this man was breathtaking..

“What’s that?” He asked. A smirk gracing those beautiful pink lips that you wanted more than anything to kiss right now. 

“Can you knock me out before you pop my hip back in place, because I’ve heard that really hurts.” You tell him. Fear crossing your face before you could control it.

“Sweetheart, while we’ve been talking I’ve been slowly working your hip back into place. You didn’t even notice it, but I popped it back in place a few minutes ago..” He said. A proud smirk still on his face. His eyes searching yours.

You looked down at your hip, then back up at him. Jensen had a full on chester cat grin now. Laughing at you under his breath.

“But… How did you…”

Holding up his hands in front of you for you to see before falling back into a full body laugh that you could very easily fall in love with.

“I’m a surgeon. Gifted hands sweetheat.”

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Read Part 2 here!!

Gifted Hands Pt. 2

Tag List:

@deanwanddamons​ @imabitch4jensen​ @rvgrsbrns​ @bi-danvers0​

[citrus-himmel]

So... There was an ask I had the other day about exotic pets, and now I can't stop thinking about Nami adopting—or did they adopt her?—two little sugar gliders. I literally just spent well over an hour discussing this idea with @ikkaku-of-heart​, @shambledsurgeon​, and @king-and-his-consorts​. These little cuties definitely exist in the OP universe, you can fight me if you think otherwise. Below the cut is the mess that we all came up with along with some pictures if you feel like reading it.

The one on the left is Soot, the right is Flurry. ☁️ Nami found them while on an uninhabited island. Or rather, they flew into her hair on accident. After initially having a massive freak out, thinking they were some kind of insect, she saw how cute they were and decided to keep them. They wouldn't exactly leave her alone the entire time, anyway. So, either way she was stuck with them. ☁️ The entire crew grew attached to them rather quickly, especially Chopper since he now had other animal friends he could talk with. He essentially became their translator, and they often sung their praises of Nami, and how wonderful she was to them. Of course, Nami drank this in like a sponge, and it only fueled her ego. ☁️ Sanji always made sure they're properly fed with the most nutrition they could possibly get, which resulted in him having to make a stop while the crew was on a supply run to find out exactly what kind of diet the little critters had. But once he got that, they never went hungry, and he even figured out how to make other treats that wouldn't upset their sensitive stomachs. ☁️ Franky and Usopp take turns making intricate obstacle courses for them, and Usopp even made them small harnesses to wear to lower the possibility of them getting flung off the ship during high winds. Any time they do get flung off, for whatever reason, Robin's always there to catch them before they can plummet into the depths of the ocean. Bless her. ☁️ When Law's on the ship they also have a tendency to hide under his hat. Nami's scolded him a couple times for yeeting them so he just.. deals with it now. He refuses to admit they're kinda cute. He also always intentionally get their species wrong, like how he mistakes Chopper for a tanuki, often calling them squirrels or bats. His subtle way of being petty for having to deal with them. ☁️ They usually sleep curled up around Nami's neck under the protection of her hair. But sometimes they can be found lounging on Zoro's head, if he's napping on the deck. For some reason they really seem to like the color of his hair. Brook's afro is another place they like to hide in, and can be seen peaking out of it sometimes. ☁️ Luffy does this thing with them up on the Sunny's figurehead if they're going a decent speed. He'll hold them up in the air, and they lay flat on his hands, arms spread out like they're gliding on the wind. Something like this. He also calls them kites. No one questions why he does. ☁️ We all know how much Robin adores cute things, so it's quite obvious she would be in love with them. If they're giving her attention, she'll sometimes read to them, even if they won't understand a word she says. ☁️ Nami has also trained them to be her little thieves, or to help her get into small spaces that she wouldn't be able to fit herself. She also uses them to retrieve Zoro if he's gotten lost, and surprisingly it's quite an effective tactic.

I could honestly go on with this... I don't know why, and don't ask. Half of it probably isn't even coherent but I had to put this out there. Nami with mischievous little flying rodents.

[yespleasefandomtrash]

no ordinary exchange

ch.1 of my self-indulgent rayllum college!au.

AO3. FFN.

xXxXxXx

“Katolis State University is proud to introduce its first Xadian exchange student in over one hundred years - everyone, please give a warm welcome to Rayla Moonshadow!”

Callum found himself cringing at the contrast between his stepfather’s genuine excitement and the student body’s... lackluster response.

“I feel bad for her,” Claudia murmured, resting her chin on her hand. “I understand why your dad is so happy, especially since he pushed so hard with the state to allow her to be here, but so many Katolians still don’t like Xadians. I mean, look at the poor girl’s face!”

Claudia had a point - the Xadian student did look extremely uncomfortable. Though Callum could clearly see that she was tall, she was standing in a manner that made her appear much smaller. Her white hair hung down to hide part of her face, the lavender streaks dancing through it almost washed away by the stage’s bright lights.

“Rayla will study here for the remainder of her sophomore year. If all goes well, one of you will attend the Xadian Academy next year,” Harrow continued. “But that is not something any of you need to worry yourselves over at the moment. I expect you all to make Rayla feel welcome here.”

“Maybe we should go talk to her afterwards,” Callum blurted out as his father continued to speak. He flushed when he realized what he’d suggested - apparently the words had left his mouth before they’d finished being processed in his brain.

Soren raised an eyebrow. “Where did that sudden eagerness come from?”

Callum shrugged, aware of how red his face had to be but ignoring it. “Like Claudia said. I feel kinda bad for her.”

Claudia popped her gum, shrugging. “I’m down. Since she’s a sophomore, I might even have a few classes with her. Based on the anti-Xadian attitudes of... of more than a few kids at this school, I have a feeling she’ll accept any company she can get. Even if it is from weirdos like us.”

Soren laughed as he jokingly elbowed his sister in the stomach. “Don’t lump me in with the two of you.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time. “Ugh. I have a class after this, so I can’t join you. But...” He put his phone away. “If you happen to hit it off, we can all go out one night and I can properly meet her.”

“Roger that,” Claudia said with a mock-salute, earning another elbow from Soren and laughter from Callum.

“Rayla, is there anything you want to say to your new classmates?” Harrow’s voice brought the attention of the three back to the stage.

The girl attempted to smile, though it was clearly more of a grimace. “Ah... I’m thankful for this opportunity.” Her accent was thick, but not enough for her to be misunderstood.

Harrow nodded, returning the mic to beneath his face. “And we are all grateful that you decided to take advantage of it.”

As his dad continued to drone on about the significance of the girl’s attendance at the school, Callum found his attention drifting down to his sketchbook. He was in the middle of working on a picture of his brother, Ezran, and Ezran’s leopard gecko, Bait. The jagged line that trailed to the edge of the page indicated the point at which he’d gotten distracted. He sighed and carefully erased it, doing his best to avoid smudging the graphite. He wanted to give the picture to Ezran for his fourteenth birthday, which wasn’t for another two and a half months, but his inspiration tended to wax and wane thus he decided to begin working on it early. He became so focused on his sketch that he didn’t notice the assembly had begun to disperse until Claudia snapped her fingers in front of his nose, startling him and causing him to drop his pencil and very nearly drop his sketchbook.

“Someone’s on edge,” Claudia said wryly as she returned his pencil to him. “Come on! My dad and yours are talking to the girl right now, but we have to hurry if we want to catch her before any classes she might have.”

Callum nodded, closing his sketchbook and shoving it into his satchel before following his friend out of the seats in the audience and down towards the stage.

“Again, I do apologize for the late notice,” Viren was saying. His voice oozed with a false pleasantry that sent chills down Callum’s spine. “But none of our available students were willing to room with a Xa...” He trailed off as Harrow sent him a warning glare. “No one wanted to room with someone they didn’t know.”

“I’ll room with her!” Claudia offered as she arrived at the foot of the stage, earning surprised looks from all. “You know that there’s more than enough room in my dorm, Dad.”

Viren offered his daughter a pained smile. “Are you certain about this, Claudia?”

She nodded, rolling her eyes. “Obviously, Dad, or else I wouldn’t have offered.”

The Xadian girl shook her head. “You don’t need to do that. Really. I have no problem with finding an apartment off campus if it’s more convenient -”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Claudia interrupted with a dismissive wave of her hand. “The best way to find your niche at KSU is live smack in the middle of it. As the daughter of the dean” - she gestured to Viren - “I was blessed with a larger dorm, plus the luxury of no roommate.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “I have space, you need a room - problem solved.” She offered her hand and a smile to the girl, though her being on the floor and the girl on the stage meant the girl knelt down to shake her hand. “I’m Claudia.”

“Rayla. Though I’m sure you know that already.”

“So it’s settled!” Harrow said, clapping his hands together. “Rayla and Claudia will room together. I’ll see what I can do about arranging it so the two of you also have at least one class together.”

“Harrow? Viren?”

Attention in the room shifted to a blonde woman standing at the auditorium’s door.

“Oh, crap,” Harrow muttered, glancing at his watch. “Are we late, Opeli?”

“Not yet,” was the woman’s brisk response. “But I wouldn’t push your luck.”

Viren headed to the exit immediately, pushing past Opeli and not bothering to say any goodbyes.

Harrow returned his attention back to the trio. “Claudia, thank you again. Rayla, if you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to come to me. Callum -” He stopped. “Callum, have you been here the whole time?” At his stepson’s embarrassed nod, he sighed. “Right. Glad to know I’m a terrible father.”

“It was actually Callum who wanted to come talk to Rayla,” Claudia said, slinging her arm around Callum’s shoulders and causing him to stumble sideways. “But he’s a little shy, so he kind of became my silent cheerleader.”

Callum groaned at the description. “Thanks, Claudia.”

“Harrow, you need to leave now,” Opeli called from the doorway. “The council is pissed off enough already. Let’s not add to their list.”

Harrow sighed and said goodbye, pulling Callum into a hug before taking his leave.

Callum ended up being the one to break the silence - which, in all honesty, was not something he often did. “Hi,” he stammered, offering the new girl his hand to shake. “I’m Callum. Obviously you’ve already met my dad.”

“Rayla. And Harrow’s your dad?” She raised an eyebrow as she released his hand. “Forgive me if this is rude, but you don’t look much like him.”

Callum laughed as he pulled his hand away. “Stepdad, technically.”

“Ah. Makes more sense.”

“I don’t know about you guys,” Claudia began, “but I don’t have class for another hour and I’m feeling kinda peckish. Want to hit up that new café?”

Callum shrugged. “Sounds good to me.” He turned to Rayla, giving her a small smile. “Care to join us?”

Rayla hesitated, uncertainty flickering in her violet eyes. “Are you sure you want to be seen hanging around me? I know that I’m not exactly welcome here.”

“Trust me, most people really couldn’t care less,” Claudia reassured her. “And if anyone does say anything about it, I’ll just get them expelled.”

Rayla blinked. “You can do that?”

Claudia shrugged. “Let’s hope we don’t have to find out.”

Rayla burst out laughing at her comment, and Callum found himself joining in. Her laughter was contagious, and the way her accent seemed to leak through was... endearing. “Well, as long as you’re sure you don’t mind.”

“Of course we don’t!” Claudia exclaimed. “Believe me, we wouldn’t have offered if we did.”

“That’s very true,” Callum added as they began walking out of the auditorium. “Claudia is very selective about her company.”

“Callum, you make me sound like a prick!” Claudia protested. “I just have standards. That’s all.”

Callum continued to banter with his friend as they made their way to the café, and while Rayla didn’t join in, he was pleased to see that the smile on her face didn’t fade.

xXxXxXx

Over the course of half an hour, Callum learned that Rayla was studying literature and sociology, with a few women’s and gender studies’ courses thrown in here and there. She was from Silvergrove in Xadia, and no, not everyone’s accent was the same as hers. Or as thick as hers. Her parents had been security guards for a Xadian diplomat, and as a result hadn’t been around much, even before the plane crash that had taken their lives a few years ago. She lived with family friends, Runaan and Ethari, and she had no siblings, for which she was eternally grateful. She’d studied martial arts for as long as she could walk. A few years ago she’d started to learn how to incorporate blades into her fighting.

Claudia was impressed by this fact, and asked if Rayla would be willing to provide a demonstration for her at some point, to which the Xadian girl eagerly agreed.

Callum felt no need to ask for a demonstration; Rayla was currently wearing just a normal t-shirt, and based on the way her muscles flexed every time she moved her arm it was clear to him that she was telling the truth about her physical prowess.

“Aw, man,” Claudia complained as she checked the time on her phone. “I have bio in fifteen minutes. Guess that means I have to say my farewells.” She stood up, giving the two a mock bow. “A delightful conversation we shared, truly. See you at the dorm, Rayla!” With a wink and the swish of her black coat, she was gone.

An awkward silence fell. Callum wasn’t sure how to break it - until then, Claudia had been the one primarily pushing the conversation forward.

“I take it you don’t have a class to get to, then?” Rayla asked before taking a sip of her coffee.

Callum shook his head. “Nope. I don’t have physics until one.” And it was currently only twenty minutes before noon.

“Hm.” Rayla pulled a sheet of paper out of her backpack, which was hanging from her chair. “I have Shakespearean Literature at 12:45.” She glanced at him, an embarrassed expression falling upon her features. “I don’t suppose you could show me where Seton Hall is?”

Callum laughed. “I don’t mind showing you, no. Although I have to admit I only know where that’s located because of Claudia.”

Rayla gave him a knowing grin. “Ah. I see. So how long have you two been together?”

Callum stiffened as his face turned bright red. “I - she - we’re not together!” he stammered as he dropped and barely caught his pen, his voice an octave higher than he would have liked. “We’ve just known each other for a long time! Besides, Claudia is a sophomore and I’m just a freshman, which means she’s - she’s way out of my league.” He placed his pen down as the red slowly began to fade from his face. “Why do you - why do you ask? Did you... notice something?”

Rayla, though seemingly startled by his outburst, chuckled. “So it’s one-sided affection. Gotcha.” She lightly flicked his nose, which was an action Callum would have been embarrassed to receive from anyone else but for some reason didn’t mind when Rayla did it. “Don’t fret. One year isn’t a huge gap, you know. And I asked because I noticed you sketching her the entire time.”

Callum flushed and pulled his sketchbook closer to him, though he didn’t bother to hide the picture of Claudia. “There’s actually two years difference between us,” he admitted. “Both she and her brother missed a year of school when her parents got divorced.”

Rayla winced, nodding. “That sucks.”

Callum snorted at her blunt response. “Well, that’s one way to put it.”

“Precisely.” Rayla took a final sip of her coffee. “I don’t think you should give up hope, sad prince. You’re pretty cute. If you ever work up the courage to ask her, she’ll probably say yes.”

Callum raised an eyebrow at her comment, a near-pitiful attempt to regain his composure and pretend he wasn’t still blushing. “‘Prince’? What’s that about?”

Rayla shrugged. “Your dad is the head of the college. He’s kind of like a king. As such, you are kinda like a prince.”

Callum paused, then grinned. “All right. I can live with that.”

Their conversation shifted back to school, and Callum explained how he was majoring in physics and minoring in art, and that his favorite elective was Renaissance History. Rayla asked him about sports, and while she was disappointed to learn that there was no martial arts team, the idea of wrestling appeared to intrigue her.

“Do you know if they allow girls?” she said.

Callum shrugged. “No idea. Remember - I haven’t been here for a full semester yet. Plus...” He gestured to himself. “I don’t exactly scream ‘wrestler’, do I?”

Rayla snickered. “Well, you’ve got that right.”

Callum gasped in mock-offense at her comment. “How stereotyping of you.”

“You said it first!”

Before Callum knew it, it was already 12:30. Rayla was easy to talk to, even if she did bruise his ego, and so far time was flying by when he was around her. She was funny, quick-witted, and charming - at least in his opinion.

It saddened him to think that some people would never approach her simply because she was Xadian. While tensions had certainly lessened between Katolis and Xadia, the situation was nowhere near perfect, and he was keenly aware of the shocked and even disgusted looks that had been sent their way just from being in the café together.

“Are you okay with showing me where my class is now?” Rayla asked as she threw away her cup and the wrapper that had held her pastry. “I want to get there a little early, if I can.”

“Sure,” Callum replied, following her lead and disposing of his trash. He tucked his sketchbook and his pen into his satchel, but before he could get to the door, Rayla stepped forward to hold it open for him.

“Princes first,” she said with a smirk, snickering as he rolled his eyes.

“Seton Hall actually isn’t far from here,” Callum said as they headed further into campus. “It’s the same building the auditorium and most acting classes are in.”

Rayla frowned upon pulling her schedule out of her back pocket and examining it, straightening out a bend in the top right corner of the page. “Why aren’t my other literature classes in this building?”

“I always thought they put Shakespeare in the building with theatre classes because of the overlap between the courses,” Callum offered. “Maybe you get to see them perform some of the plays.”

Rayla shrugged, shoving her schedule back into her pocket. “I guess I’ll find out.”

They arrived at her classroom a few minutes later, with just under 10 minutes left before her class started.

“I suppose this is where we part ways,” Rayla said, shouldering her booksack and giving him a soft smile. “It was nice meeting you, Callum. I hope we find time to hang out again.”

Callum chuckled. “With Claudia as your roommate, I’m sure plenty of opportunities will arise.” He hesitated, then added, “I could give you a tour of campus. Someday. If you’re interested.”

Rayla’s smile widened. “I’d like that a lot.” She reached into her pocket, pulling out her receipt from the café before ripping it in half. “Can I use your pen?”

Callum fished his pen out of his satchel and handed it to her, their fingertips brushing as he did so. She proceeded to scribble something on one half of the receipt before handing it all back to him.

It was a phone number, he realized.

“The school provided me with a temporary phone and number to avoid international texting charges,” she explained, shoving her hands into her pockets. “Rather kind of them, now that I think about it.” When Callum didn’t respond, instead simply staring down at the slips of paper and the pen in his hands, she rolled her eyes and sighed in mock-exasperation. “Callum, the polite thing to do when someone gives you their number is to give them your own.”

Callum felt the blood rush to his face. “Right,” he stammered, tucking her number away in his pocket and writing his own onto the other half of the receipt before handing it to her.

Rayla winked at him as she accepted the paper. “See you later, Callum!” she said before disappearing into her classroom.

Callum remained there, frozen, for a few seconds more, his pen still clutched to his chest. Rayla was... an interesting person, to say the least. She seemed smart - certainly more clever than him.

Then Callum remembered that he, too, had a class starting soon. But his phone buzzed only a few minutes after he’d headed out of the building.

(330) 229-6868: I’m sure you’ve realized by now that typically only one person receives a phone number in an exchange between acquaintances

Callum, in fact, had not thought that deeply about it, but he wasn’t going to tell Rayla that. He added her as a contact before responding.

Callum: Yeah, I was wondering, lol

Rayla: I assure you that there is a method to my madness

Callum: Riiiight

Rayla: Look. I knew you wouldn’t have the guts to ask for my number

Rayla: Don’t deny it

Callum guiltily erased the beginning of That’s not true.

Callum: Maybe

Rayla: And I also knew that even if I gave you my number, you wouldn’t dare to text me first

Rayla: Now we both win!

Callum couldn’t stop himself from grinning at his phone at her response. So not only was she smart and funny, but she was also far more lighthearted than he’d originally given her credit for.

Callum: Seems so

Rayla: oh my god you sound like a pretentious douche over text

Rayla: Class is starting soon

Rayla: Give my number to Claudia pls

Callum: Ofc

She didn’t respond, so he assumed her class must have started. He tucked his phone into his satchel and continued his walk to physics, stepping up his pace to ensure he’d get there on time. And while he walked, he couldn’t keep the happy smile off his lips at the thought of his new friend.

Strange.

But he liked it.

xXxXxXx

[crazy4myself]

Get to know me more!

i was tagged by @banngtanloverboys

What do you prefer to be called name wise? Kristen although I’ve been toying with the thought of going by Kris as of late

When is your birthday? 8/21

Where do you live? Mississippi

Three things you are doing right now? Sitting in bed sipping water and catching up on all these tag games lol

Four Fandoms that have piqued your interest right now? bts, avatar the last airbender, throne of glass, ACOTAR

How the pandemic treating you? Pretty good, I was declared an essential employee and worked in office through the entire thing. (I was one of three employees to not go remote and all 3 of us wore PPE at all times). Where I live unfortunately we’ve basically returned to normal but i still wear a mask everywhere.

A song you can’t stop listening to right now? The entire Manic album by Halsey tbh its a problem

Recommend a movie? 2020 adaption of Little Women was the last movie i saw in theaters. I cried so much. It made me feel

How old are you? 21

School, University, Occupation or other? Umm I’m a university student but I took a semester off to co-op for an engineering firm so I’ve been working as a civil/environmental engineering intern since Jan. I started Uni back in August.

Do you prefer hot or cold? I’m a lukewarm kind of bitch

Name one fact others may not know about you? I’m actually a huge environmentalist. I think this blog is the only aspect of my life where I’m not constantly talking about pollution or environmental justice issues.

Are you shy? No. I mean in some settings ofc, but I’m actually a huge extrovert, i just need social battery charging sessions throughout the day. AKA i demand ME time

Do you have any prefered pronouns? she/her

What’s your favourite “-dere” Type? i don’t exactly know much about “dere” types beyond yandere. I read those from time to time for the creepy horror aspect but I gotta be in some kind of mood for it

Any pet peeves? When people try to talk from an informative standpoint abt things they don’t understand. You can discuss your uneducated opinions and thoughts in conversation. Just don’t present them as facts. You’re just spreading misinformation and embarrisng yourself I also hate bumping elbows with people at the table.

Rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 means being the best you could ever be! tbh I would normally say 5 or 6 out of 10 i’m super blessed but seriously struggled in school and with mental health. But these past 6 months have been pretty 9/10. I love working, I feel so happy I’m good at what I do. I was given an award for my climate march I hosted at my Uni. My dad beat cancer. and I might be engaged soon??? Globally 2020 sucks but personally there has been so much growth and so many blessings I’m thankful for.

What’s your main blog? this one now but @marvelatthemadness and @sustainablityandstudy were blogs I was super active on before i started writing.

List your sideblogs and What they are used for! @crazy4my-ficrecs and @crazy4my-currentreads pretty self explanatory. Also someone please appreciate the joke/wordplay in my side blogs

Is there anything peoples need to know about you before being friends with you? I talk a lot,and obviously i’m long winded. I get clingy kinda quick, I overshare, and I ask a lot of questions bc i want to know every. single. thing. about. every. person. i. meet. 😠 now tell me your star sign, your coffee/drink order, and your preferred sprinkle shape!!

I tag: @phaeeeee @xmagicxshopx @mel-gonzalez07 @hollyhomburg @ditttiii

Anyone else who wants to play along please do!

[lastsonlost]

Just when you thought this story could not get any more disgusting.

Now we have one slimy disgusting trash person being offended by a whole group of slimy disgusting trash people.

The Des Moines Register reporter fired in the wake of a scandal involving offensive tweets — posted by a viral star he interviewed and then his own — broke his silence Friday, telling BuzzFeed News he had been “abandoned” by the newspaper after following standard editorial practice by performing a social media search on the person he was profiling.

“This event basically set my entire life on fire,” reporter Aaron Calvin said.

Calvin, 27, was dismissed by the Iowa newspaper Thursday evening following criticism online in the wake of his article about 24-year-old casino security worker Carson King.

On Sept. 14 at the Iowa State University vs. University of Iowa football game in Ames, King had appeared in the background of ESPN’s College GameDay holding a sign that said “Busch Light Supply Needs Replenished,” along with his Venmo handle. After King received $600, he announced he would instead donate his growing beer fund to a local children’s hospital. The fundraiser soon went viral, and Venmo and Anheuser-Busch offered to match the donations. King wound up raising over $1 million, and he was quickly catapulted into being a local legend and viral internet hero.

Upon the fundraiser hitting the million-dollar mark, Calvin decided to profile King, whom he’d already covered in several stories. But soon Calvin, who worked as a BuzzFeed employee between 2013 and 2014, found two racist tweets King had posted when he was 16. Calvin wrote that the tweets, which have since been deleted, were jokes “comparing black mothers to gorillas and another making light of black people killed in the Holocaust.”

Calvin told BuzzFeed News it’s standard practice at the Des Moines Register to background check people they profile through court records and social media. “I was reminded by an editor to background Carson...and I found a few tweets that he published in high school that were racist jokes,” he said. “I knew if I found them, other people would find them as well.”

Des Moines Register executive editor Carol Hunter declined to comment for this story, but referred BuzzFeed News to an op-ed she published in which she called “backgrounding” an “essential” part of reporting. “The process helps us to understand the whole person,” she wrote.

Calvin said his editors told him to ask King about the tweets, so he did. "He was deeply regretful, and I recognized that these were not representative artifacts of Carson,” Calvin said.

In writing his profile, Calvin said he decided to include just a “brief mention of these tweets and his apology at the bottom of this profile, after the glowing synopsis of his charity.” The reporter said he felt an obligation to share the information he’d uncovered with the public, but thought he did so in a “thoughtful” way that showed the tweets no longer showed King’s worldview.

He also maintained he did this with the full blessing and awareness of senior editors. “Throughout this entire process of the discovery and inclusion of the tweets, the editor knew, the editorial board knew, and the executive editor knew how I’d included them and handled them for the article, and as far as I knew, approved of that,” he said.

On Tuesday night, before the profile was published, King held a press conference to apologize for the tweets, which he said had been found by a reporter. He said he wrote the posts when he was a high school sophomore and had been making reference to the show Tosh.0.

“In re-reading it today — eight years later — I see it was an attempt at humor that was offensive and hurtful,” he continued. “I am embarrassed and stunned to reflect on what I thought was funny when I was 16 years old. I want to sincerely apologize.”

Anheuser-Busch cut ties with King after the press conference. King said he did not blame Calvin, saying that he appreciated that he’d pointed out the tweets and had simply wanted to apologize. “The Des Moines Register has been nothing but kind in all of their coverage, and I appreciate the reporter pointing out the post to me,” he tweeted.

Upon publishing the story, Calvin said he was immediately met with criticism from people across Iowa who accused him of trying to denigrate a local hero.

But any media ethics debate about the newsworthiness of tweets written by someone when they were a teenager was soon swept aside by a tidal wave of harassment, doxing, and death threats Calvin received.

Soon, influential right-wing media figures also began circulating screenshots of Calvin’s own past offensive tweets that had been uncovered. In posts dating back to 2010, Calvin had used “gay” as a pejorative, written “fuck all cops,” and spelled out the word “niggas” twice when he was quoting others, including a Kanye West lyric. “Now that gay marriage is legal,” he wrote in one 2012 tweet, “I’m totally going to marry a horse.”

Calvin told BuzzFeed News these were “frankly embarrassing” tweets that he “would not have published today,” but said they had been “taken out of context” and were being used to “wield disingenuous arguments against me.”

Calvin said editors at the Des Moines Register directed him to apologize in a tweet, which he said he agreed to do because he was “afraid and just trying to comply with what I was being told so I could possibly hold onto my job.”

In the tweet, Calvin apologized for “not holding myself to the same high standards as The Register holds others.”

“I regret publishing that tweet now,” Calvin told BuzzFeed News. “Because I was never trying to hold Carson to any kind of ‘higher standard’ or any kind of standard at all. I was trying to do my job as a reporter, and I think I did so to the best of my ability.”

As soon as the story broke, Calvin said he began receiving a barrage of death threats. He said HR reps at Gannett, which owns the Des Moines Register, forbade him from speaking to the media and told him to leave his apartment for his own safety. They offered to put him up in a hotel, but he stayed with a friend instead.

“I recognize that I’m not the first person to be doxed like this — this whole campaign was taken up by right-wing ideologues and largely driven by that force,” he said. “It was just a taste of what I assume that women and journalists of color suffer all the time, but the kind of locality and regional virality of the story made it so intense.”

On Thursday, while he was speaking to police about the death threats, Calvin said he got a call from Gannett representatives. “They told me they were going to offer me an option — that I could resign or I could be fired — with no severance,” he said. “It was really a semantic difference, I guess, so I chose to be fired.”

A Gannett spokesperson told BuzzFeed News the company does not comment on personnel matters.

In her op-ed, Hunter, the executive editor, wrote they were now evaluating how reporters perform background checks on subjects and what information should be published from those checks. She said their focus was partly on “the shift in social media culture and how activities on those platforms reflect upon a person’s newsworthiness in general.”

With regard to Calvin’s firing, Hunter wrote that they “took appropriate action because there is nothing more important in journalism than having readers’ trust.”

King did not respond to a request for comment on Calvin’s dismissal.

Calvin said he hasn’t heard from Gannett or his newsroom leaders since his firing, but said some of his former coworkers have reached out in support.

Though Calvin said he regrets his tweets, he thinks they were taken out of context by bad actors to make him look like a racist and homophobe. “As I said when I was speaking with Carson, I don’t think people’s past social media statements should be made to make blanket characterizations about them,” he said.

He also expressed his frustration about the “false narrative about me ‘canceling’ Carson.”

“Carson was never in danger of being canceled — there was no attempt or intent to quote-unquote ‘cancel’ him,’” Calvin said. “He’s raised hundreds of thousands more dollars since this happened. The governor of Iowa declared a ‘Carson King Day.’”

(“You can make a mistake in your life, and still go on to do amazing things,” Gov. Kim Reynolds tweeted Wednesday. “@CarsonKing2, thank you for reminding us all of that! #IowaProud.”)

Calvin said he’s still afraid to go out in public and is still staying at his friend’s house. He isn’t sure what he will do next, but hopes he can keep reporting.

“I’m just taking it day by day,” he said. “I feel like I’m a good writer and a good reporter and I was doing my job to the best of my ability.”

Calvin said he also still deeply believes in the “necessity of local journalism.”

“Frankly, it’s really disappointing to me to be abandoned by my former employer,” he said. “I still in a lot of ways support the Register — I just wish they had believed in me.”

Have you ever read so much bullshit that it made you almost vomit in your mouth?

This motherfucker just try to roast a man's life and is now trying to play the victim after he got a dose of his own hypocritical medicine.

Also BuzzFeed is in rare form today. We have both the right-wing Boogeyman, online harassment and women and people of color being in votes for pity points.

Did you ever see obvious manipulation look so obvious?