#ONLY zero days no fucking 'im so tired today i will only write or i will only paint or i will only format

[defiledtomb]

I'm doing it. I'm taking a Break.

[erenevune]

Looks at today's tsams episode

Fucks sake Im so tired of this. I knew I had lost faith in the writing the moment this "Nexus" bullshit started but now I don't even have a sliver. I miss Moon. He doesn't deserve to be thrown away just because the story has arbitrarily decided he's completely replaceable with Old Moon when he's not and Old Moon has done NOTHING to deserve his spot back. Moon did all the work by existing then Old Moon comes in and slots himself into place with no effort or apology on his part. If they don't pull a plot twist out of this I don't know what I'll do. Sun doesn't deserve this, Moon doesn't deserve this. I would have rathered a merge or OM dying again or Sun saying fuck you I'm not killing either of my brothers. Nothing about these past months have been fun. All the bonding moments should have been Moon's, not old moons. Old Moon doesn't deserve to just slot himself in and take over and go back on his word with no push back. Sun deserves better. Moon deserves better. Moon was his own person and the only person telling him to be like OM was himself, and then they pulled this bullshit arc out and completely destroyed his character for no fucking reason just so they could bring old moon back also for no fucking reason. They put zero effort into justifying anything that was happening or any of the characters overreaction to the situation because they pulled it out of their ass and just wanted to force it in no matter how much it didnt work or make sense. Oh and now dark sun "didn't have anything to do with it"? Yeah sure, fucking liar. And so many people are taking that at face value like dude. The guy lies and manipulates constantly. The only reason any of this happened is directly because of dark Sun. All of it. Way back from before whatever he did to eclipse and Ruin and when he copied Moon's code. Didn't have anything to do with it my fucking ass.

Anyway so I'll be continuing on like normal and be writing my fics with Moon in them like this stupid arc never happened because it's pointless and makes zero fucking sense. Sun and Moon were doing so well, aside from Sun getting sidelined a lot because Moon and Solar were off doing their own thing and leaving him out intentionally (after Moon promised he wouldn't) but whatever. I miss them so much. I miss Sun and Moon together, I miss Moon. "Nexus" doesn't exist because he's just Moon because that whole plot doesn't make a lick of sense so i refuse to acknowledge it. Fuck the writing man. I'm so done. I love this show and it has a lot of flaws that I can forgive or even like the show for but this is way past too far because it's so out of place and lacking any reason or logic backing it. I've hated the Nexus thing from day one and nothing about it has made me change my mind.

[stonerskinny]

burned a little over 600 at work today, allegedly

only had a gatorade zero (10) and 1/4 of a mikes hard (55)

gonna go home and take a cold shower and fucking weigh myself because i hate myself

actually i just got home and i will be taking a cold shower and weighing myself tomorrow because i am too tired, and too high, for that shit rn

i need to get some actual sleep tonight because at 10am tomorrow i see my psychiatrist and i have to convince her to put me on vyvanse

aaaaand it’s six hrs later and i apparently fell asleep while writing this LOL

anyway. weighed at 277.4 just now and for safety im gonna go back to assuming my scale is correct so that way i dont risk anything and worst comes to worst im a few lbs lighter than i think i am lol

its like 5:30am and i think im just gonna have an alani and stay up even tho im still fucking tired bc i can sleep more after my psych appointment

i am also not gonna count yesterdays cals as breaking my fast bc it was all liquid and i know that i burned it all off like eight times over which means im 31hrs in

planning to break my fast w a progresso light soup, but i don’t know if im gonna do that this afternoon or after work tonight or just tomorrow. if i play my cards right and things go how i want i can sleep most of the day away and in theory not eat before i go to work tonight because i feel fine rn

although how i’ll feel by 7:30pm is a mystery buuuuuuut if i sleep all day i’ll probably still feel perfectly fucking fine

[littlewolf651]

I did not buy nor I want to play that wizard game. But let me tell you what happened to me today.

I have been helping with Turkey communication efforts to reestablish essential networks so people can coordinate better. Im part of a computer science volunteers team and we have known each other since the pandemic (we got together to help with BLM) This time we have worked non stop, taking turns only to eat and sleep naps till we finally got the main channels we were working on to hold themselves up. We were *tired*, but someone in our team had been trying to keep the morale up speaking about that game, because they have some experience in game dev so while we waited they would give their predictions and expectations about xyz mechanic. Thats not my area but it was refreshing to hear something that was not about the people dying.

When we finally made it, we said our goodbyes and went directly to sleep. I just woke up and saw the tag of the game on tumblr. I was expecting to read about people enjoying stupid animations or maybe the music, but what I have gathered is people sending each other to hell.

Look, fuck JKR, but playing a game made by hundreds of artists and programmers that made at least a decent job for what Im gathering, is not synonym with being a horrible person. And I say this because is more complicated than that, and is dangerous to simplify things so much. Is dangerous to use the same rhetoric of the person you go against. And is so dam exhausting to see people wasting energy in pitch and forks when real problems are right there.

Just be kind. Humans are stupid and like little stupid games. Millionaires are despicable but difficult to take down. We cant control most things, but at least we don’t have to make other people day difficult.

My apologies for writing this. I needed to get it out and your blog seemed more peaceful than most.

I don’t see how stating my opinion on this matter makes my blog less ‘peaceful’. I’m just making my stance on this clear. My tumblr isn’t made to cater to a specific fandom or aesthetic. I like, reblog, and post what I want. I understand wanting people to chill out about it. But a lot of people that are saying that are missing the point of the discourse.

Look, I love gaming. It’s my escape. I literally just finished playing Dishonored: Death of the Outsider and am about to play Subnautica Below Zero. Gaming is great.

However people from both the trans and Jewish communities have explicitly asked people not to condone and play this game, because it’s success ultimately just continues to hurt them in the long run.

If your want to ignore them and play it then go ahead! I’m not gonna stop you or condemn you for it. You don’t have to justify to me why people want to play it. If you wanna ignore the voices of other communities for the sake of your own enjoyment, then fine.

But there are hundreds if not thousands of other video games out there that you can play that don’t have this kind history of routinely hating on other communities.

Besides reviews for the game are pretty mid anyways. I’d rather go play Horizon 2 again.

Anyways, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore so here’s a picture of my cat to cheer people up. Ain’t he cute?

[kaistarus]

Mistexting Mayhem

Pairing: Nishinoya X Reader

Words: 1.6K

Summary: You accidentally send Nishinoya a text that was meant for Yachi and now he’s knows secrets you were hoping he never found out

A/N: If you think this fic is anything but crack you’re wrong lmao I’ve always wanted to write a fic with this style and Noya is great for the chaos i needed. It was fun

Masterlist

[6:40pm] idiot⚡: look y/n without adhd id be too powerful

                         i could beet god himself in handtohand combat

                         god was afraid of my raw fuckin awesomeness wen i bursted from the woom

[6:41pm] y/n: there is so much wrong with what u just said

[6:41pm] idiot⚡: i have absoltly no clue wat

[6:43pm] y/n: put those 3 brain cells to work. I believe in you

[6:43pm] idiot⚡: but theyve reached their daily quota

                          plz there so tired and overworked

You snorted, a dopey smile on your lips as you laid surrounded by textbooks and homework, swinging your feet in the air behind you. You focused intently on the cell phone in your hand doing everything you could to procrastinate the schoolwork around you.

[6:44pm] y/n: noyas so stupid

[6:44pm] yachi❤: i thought you liked him?

[6:45pm] y/n: jeez Yachi. dont come for my throat

                       i cant help that i have bad taste 🙄

[6:46pm] yachi❤: if it helps he tripped over a stray ball today

                               maybe think of that till you don’t like him??

Unfortunately, the image of Nishinoya waving to everyone then biffing it only had you smiling like a dork. How you’d gotten to a point that Nishinoya being an idiot made you swoon, you’ll never know.

You raised your eyebrow suspiciously at the new notification on Snapchat from ‘Tanaka’ and after swiping it open you nearly dropped your phone. Looking back at you was Nishinoya, his head tilted and eyebrow quirked in confusion with a gari-gari kun shoved halfway down his throat. The caption at the bottom reading ‘daaaammn look at your prince charming go 😩’.

You frowned at the picture, letting out a frustrated groan at how your heart accelerated against your ribcage. You quickly tapped out of it and reopened the messenger app.

[6:57pm] y/n: we have to kill Noya

[6:57pm] idiot⚡: we??? what kind of mission is this??? 😤

[6:58pm] y/n: i like him too much. he has to die. its for my own good

You waited impatiently for her response and almost debated doing your homework since it took longer than you felt necessary. You supposed you had suggested murder to Yachi, but still…

When you finally received a response your entire body froze.

[7:11pm] idiot⚡: U LIKE ME?!?!? 😍

                          UR KILLING ME?!?! 😢

                          IM SO CONFUSED......

                          and a lil turned on ngl👀

Your hand covered your mouth in horror as you processed what the hell you had just done. This didn’t happen to people in real life. Mistexting was stuff people made up when they created fake texts for social media to get likes. You didn’t think people actually went through this.

You opened new notifications to escape the hell that stared you straight in the face.

[7:15pm] Tanaka💪: Yo, whatd u do. Whys Noya having a panic attak

[7:16pm] y/n: I accidently texted him instead of Yachi and told him i liked him 😣

[7:16pm] Tanaka💪: O wtf thats hilarious 😂

[7:17pm] y/n: ITS NOT HILArIOUS

[7:18pm] Tanaka💪: Hes askin if its a prank. Wat do i do?

[7:19pm] y/n:I DONT KNOW SDKFHJN IM THE IDIOT WHO STSRTED IT

He stopped responding and you banged your head against your pillow anxiously.

[7:23pm] y/n: YACHI ITOLD NoYA I LKED HIM AND NOU HE NOS WAY DO JI DO!?!????! 😭😭😭

[7:23pm] idiot⚡: THIS ISNT YACHI!!!!

                           HOLY FUKC U DO LIEK ME!!!

You screamed into your pillow. Were you fucking kidding? This could not be happening.

[7:25pm] Tanaka💪: dude, twice? i cant save u now 🤪

[7:25pm] y/n: betraying me in my time of fucking need? i’ll remember this asshole

[7:26pm] Tanaka💪: so vulgar 👀

You growled at Tanaka’s uselessness and bravely peeked through one eye as you went back to your conversation with Nishinoya.

[7:24pm] idiot⚡: STOP IGNORING ME I KNO UR TEXTING RYU

[7:26pm] idiot: IM GONNA KEEP SPAMMING U TILL U ANSWE RME😤

[7:26pm] idiot⚡: 1

                          2

                          3

                          4

                          5

                           6

                           7

                           8

                           9

[7:27pm] y/n: what is this twitch chat? fuck 

[7:28pm] idiot⚡: your heeeeererererreee 🥰

[7:29pm] y/n: soooooo………..

                        clearly there has been a misunderstanding

[7:29pm] idiot⚡: oh nonono. I understand PERFETCLY. u LOVE me

                         its ok. this is a safe space. we can discuss feelings 😌

[7:31pm] y/n: there are zero feelings to discuss

[7:31pm] idiot⚡: then y did u say u like me too much so i have to die?

[7:34pm] y/n: i am filled with rage 🤬

[7:34pm] idiot⚡: rage over how much u liiike me???🥰🥰🥰

[7:36pm] y/n: definitely not

You racked your brain for some kind of reasonable sounding excuse, eventually landing on:

[7:36pm] y/n: It was autocorrect

[7:36pm] idiot⚡: HAH????? FROM?????

[7:38pm] y/n: HAH???

                       ....Nora?

[7:38pm] idiot⚡: Who TF is nora???? 😡

[7:39pm] y/n: someoe i like obviously 😏

[7:40pm] idiot⚡: so u like them but u use my name so much it autocorrected to me? 🤔

[7:44pm] y/n: OK MR DETEcTIVE WHERE TF ARE THES BRAIN CELS COMIN GFROM?

[7:45pm] idiot⚡: i pull them out for special ocasions 😌

[7:45pm] y/n: well how bout you pack those up and put em away

[7:46pm] idiot⚡: how bout two people who LIKE each other SAY something so they can DOOOOOOOO something bout IT 🙄

You began typing a frantic message about how it was none of his business until you processed the message. Then you read it over several times before letting out an audible, “what the fuck.”

[7:50pm] y/n: YOU LIKE ME

[7:50pm] idiot⚡: I FLIRT WITH U ALL THE TIME WAT DO U MEAN yOu LiKe Me!?!

                          FUCKING OBVIOSLY

[7:51pm] y/n: literally when. name one time.

[7:52pm] idiot⚡: I WALK WITH U EVERY MORNING!!!

[7:53pm] y/n: I thought that was a coincidence???

[7:54pm] idiot⚡: I BRNIG U SNACKS DURING LUNCH!!!

[7:54pm] y/n: I thought they were leftovers??

[7:55pm] idiot⚡: …....I call you cute and invite you to my games.

[7:56pm] y/n: you call everyone attractive and i thought there was like a audience quota or something........?

[7:57pm] idiot⚡: ….i cant tell who i should be upset with rn but i think its u 😑

[7:58pm] y/n: WAT WHY!?!

[8:00pm] Idiot⚡: I LIKE U+U LIKE ME=WE LIKE EACH OTHER

[8:01pm] y/n: whoa. slow down. I hate math 😣

[8:02pm] Idiot⚡: ===WE SHUD GO ON A DATE!!!

[8:02pm] y/n: HAH!? i think you started multiplying that addition problem buddy 🤨

Your cheeks were beginning to ache from how wide your dopey grin was. You couldn’t help but tease Nishinoya-it was second nature at this point-even if you now knew your feelings were mutual.

[8:04pm] idiot⚡: i suk at math but thats NOT the point

                         point iiissss i think deep down u want to hang out and cuddle and fall in love

                        maybe even..... 😏 kiiisssss

[8:04pm] y/n: WHOA WHOA WHOA

                        WARN ME BEFORE YOU GET NSFW

                        i would never premarital eye-contact. let alone k🤢ki-🤢🤢kiss🤢🤮🤮

[8:05pm] idiot⚡: well we would have socks on 🙄

[8:06pm] y/n: oh. well if there’s protection

[8:06pm] idiot⚡: Im not a maniac

[8:07pm] y/n: i suppose as long as you dont do something stoopid

                        like faceplant in public

                        that would be humiliating

[8:08pm] idiot⚡: I-

                          who told you that 😠

[8:08pm] y/n: i have spies everywhere noya

                        youre never safe

[8:09pm] Idiot⚡: kinda hot 👀

                         makin me fear for my life like that👀

[8:10pm] y/n: i hate that i like you

                        It kills me inside 

                        i feel braincels leaving with every conversation

[8:12pm] Idiot⚡: fan behavior 😏

                          so am i taking u to eat tomorow or wat?

[8:14pm] y/n: if I HAVE to 🙄

[8:14pm] Idiot⚡: No u GET to

                          I am a fucking delite 😤

[8:15pm] y/n: whatever helps you sleep at night

[8:15pm] Idiot⚡: nothing helps me sleep at night. this mind never rests

[8:16pm] y/n: thinking 24/7 and still not a smart thing comes out of that mouth 👀

[8:17pm] Idiot⚡: yas, bully me more 😫

[8:19pm] y/n: ok thats as much as i can handle for one day......

                       im gonna pretend to do homework

[8:20pm] idiot⚡: okie... good luck my sweet baby pogchamp 🥰

[8:20pm] y/n: no

[8:20pm] Idiot⚡: 😘😘😘

[8:22pm] y/n: 🙄✋

[8:23pm] Idiot⚡: oh FUCK yas 🥵 shut me UP

[8:25pm] y/n: suddenly all i feel is endless regret

[8:26pm] Idiot⚡: i have that effect on people

                          See you tomorrow 🥰🥰🥰

[8:27pm] y/n: unfortunately 😘

[8:27pm] idiot⚡: 🥵

You flung an arm over your eyes and let a small giggle bubble up from your chest. Nishinoya was probably the biggest idiot you’d ever met, but you couldn’t help that thinking of spending time with him had you kicking your feet with excitement.

You supposed you should actually get started on your homework. You reached forward when a notification popped up from Yachi, asking if her idea worked and you had stopped liking Nishinoya.

...you should probably break the news, huh?

[normal-thoughts-official]

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

[scandeniall]

wash day head canons (black!reader)

kuroo, sakusa, atsumu, iwaizumi x black f!reader

Now this is hella self indulgent for my fellow black bbys on here with 4 of my top 5 boys helping on wash day. Now reminder babies, our hair is beautiful. It doesnt matter if your 3a high porsity or 4c low porosity (like me oop). And any of these clowns would be blessed for his bby to have your hair!

Kuroo

He’ll help if you ask. You just want company? He got you. He the bf you ask to go get the scissors so you can cut the braids shorter and you actually trust him to not cut your hair.

Hes gentle when taking the braids out, not really commenting on how dirty it might be

But hes ass at the pre-poo stage

Like this mf will MISS sections

And will be like “damn thats crazy my bad” when you tell him. But it happens EVERY time 

He lets you wear one of his tshirts the first time you ever spent your wash day with him, and it just becomes your official wash day shirt

He the bf that’ll go get you food if your hungry, bc theres no way in hell youre going out with only half of your braids in

Hes sweet though and kisses you before he goes.

He’s annoying and like “let me hop in the shower w/ you” (partly to see you naked, partly bc them products smell good)

I can just see him as the type to be deadass mesmerized by shrinkage and the type to just play with the bouncy coils

Now listen, he is NOT washing my hair but he can look. He’d try work through sections but will tangle tf out of your hair

Anyways, once your’e out at this point hes tired (shit me too), so just kinda vibes out in the same room while you do your hair

Once he asked to help you post wash, and you say why not, and he go to apply product and he will be the “quarter size amount” type

“Kuroo- what are you doing with that”

“Uh about to put it in” and he look at you like DUH

“Damn my hair about to be dry af” you have to help that boy out. 

But he also the type to know how expensive hair products are bc he listens to you when you talk and is just like ????

Idk i love kuroo, he wouldnt be terrible help, but not professional helper status

Sakusa

Now listen here. This mf is NOT helping with the takedown process. He saw you do it once and saw the built up dirt and said “yeah ima head out”

Plus, he’s not about to touch all that fucking braid hair

You: Yoomi do you wanna help me-

Him- no

But alright once you're actually washed he’s better. 

Since wash day take the whole day, and if its a day where he doesnt have v-ball stuff hes more than content to just sit and turn on something for you both to watch for the day.

Your arms hurt from detangling post wash? Yeah you not about to rest your wet ass head anywhere

He hates the feel of your products, but if you ask with the right look and tone of voice (grossly sweet), he’ll take over a section with product application

Apply generously? He got you.

If the product works for his hair too, he IS the type to buy products for the both of you

Anyways back to him helping post wash/condition. Hes good at finger detangling

Yall know i hc him as having a secondary love language of touch-

Anyways on that note, at that point he’ll let you sit between his legs in front of your big ass floor mirror and yeah when he feeling extra soft and domestic, kisses on your temple

You put him on to bonnets lets be real here (he got a collection bc he washes his way more than you do LMAO)

Atsumu

Now hes USELESS

Type to tease and be like “this mean I can go out to the club without you”

He would not help your ass at all during the takedown

Once he tried (and actually tried) and almost cut your real fucking hair

“C’mon babe, I won’t do it again”

“Absolutely not”

Another “let me join you in the shower ass mf”

He’s hot so um yeah ima just get on my knees at this point. He don’t even gotta ask

“This is a good time for ya to let yer deep conditioner sit”

“Don’t tangle my hair even further” you gotta redirect his hands though

Anyways when thats done, don’t trust him with a comb near your scalp at ALL

He doesn’t mean to be rough, but this man is impatient

Hes annoying and just sits on the bathroom counter while you just going through it

The type to mess around with your products

Another boy you put on to the magic of scarves and bonnets

His shit already deep fried with that dye and he cant afford more damage

Hes headass and wants yall to have matching ones

Iwaizumi

Yeah hes the best

Whatever you want baby, he got you

You can trust him with the scissors

Once you told him about the importance of being gentle when taking the braids out and stuff, he makes a conscious effort to make sure hes gentle

You say you can’t hang out bc its wash day? Yeah he’s right there with you

He’ll gather your stuff for you if you asked. Wide tooth? He got it. Spray bottle? check

If you listen to music while you take your hair down, he’s just vibing, whether its with him helping or keeping you company

Now I hate doing my hair and would be a simp for someone who does like this, so yeah lemme get a distraction smooch

He indulges for a little bit, maybe a few little touches and gropes until

“You’re gonna complain all night if you don’t get this done today”

Then back to business

He wont hop in the shower with you unless you ask

But once you come out with your hair mask sitting and shit, he’d have a snack for yall

Scalp massages!!!!

He got the oil, the love for you and everything

He’s just the right amount of rough that it feels good, but not to where it’d damage and frizz up

Iwaizumi perfect boyfriend thank u

a/n: now this sucks and ive never written actual hq headcanons, but i dont have the brain power to write full lengths rn and this is a mess of words and i want someone to luv me and my hair LMAO. (i was gonna do akaashi bc he rounds off my top 5 but im lazy). Also idk i wanted to write something and had ZERO ideas

[toosicktoocare]

prompt:  IM SO EXCITED WHEN I SAW YOU WERE WRITING FOR THE WITCHER IM FUCKING PUMPED. Would you do one where Geralt’s fighting monsters and being a general badass but working himself to exhaustion and jaskier makes him stop and take care of himself

I really really like this prompt, @this-is-whump-dammit !!

It’s been four days since Jaskier’s frightening mishap with a lone werewolf.

While accompanying Geralt through the woods, he stumbled upon a single werewolf, a rarity as they often run in packs. He had just enough time to whisper Geralt’s name, voice trembling as hard as his knees, before the werewolf lunged at him, knocking him to his back with a loud thud that’s masked by a booming growl. The werewolf’s teeth were mere inches from his face, and Jaskier took a second to consider how great of a song this would be if he lived before Geralt swung his sword, knocking the werewolf’s head to the ground in a single, shaking swing.

He was fine, only shaken to the core, but Geralt insisted they stop at the nearest town so he can rest by wordlessly packing up their small camp set up and grumbling “let’s go,” leaving zero room for argument.

Four days, and Jaskier’s fine. While he’s not complaining at sleeping in a real, warm bed inside... with Geralt because double-bed rooms can get pricey, he knows Geralt is anxious to get back on the road, never wanting to stay in a single town for too long because of the shouts and looks that come each time he steps out in public. At least, that’s what Jaskier’s perceived as the primary reason for Geralt’s wandering lifestyle.

When Jaskier wakes on the fifth day, Geralt’s, once again, already gone. Though, upon closer look, Geralt’s side of the bed looks untouched, the sheets only lightly rumpled thanks to Jaskier’s almost constant moving in his sleep after an incredibly unpleasant dream about werewolves. He smooths a palm across the empty side of the bed, frowning at the cool, soft touch. Come to think of it, he can’t remember Geralt ever coming to bed.

Jaskier remembers having a little too much to drink at the local tavern. He remembers slurring songs out on his lute, and he can faintly remember being tossed over Geralt’s shoulder and hauled back to the inn. After that, everything’s a faint blur of vomiting, being far too hot, giggling, and then blacking out.

He runs a hand through his hair, attempting to make some sense of the many strands sticking out at all ends. He spares a glance to his crumpled clothes on the floor, and he groans, swinging his legs over the bed and getting to his feet. A dull throb clings to his temples, and he feels a little sluggish, but otherwise, he’s ready to take on the day, which apparently, he thinks as he drags slow eyes around the room, is tracking down this dumb Witcher.

He dresses and makes his way to the tavern, groaning at the shouting and singing that assaults his ears the second he steps into the building.

“Oh, the Witcher is buff! The Witcher is strong! The Witcher travels far! I follow along! He fights all the monsters, clean and quick! I can’t help but watch for I want his sweet--”

“--I did not sing such an inappropriate song!” Jaskier shouts, though the flush creeping hot at his cheeks says otherwise. He shakes his head with a low huff, ignoring the shouts and catcalls as he makes his way to the bartender.

“Rough night?” he asks Jaskier, raising his brows.

“My night was perfectly fine, thank you,” Jaskier ignores the low comment “I bet it was” in favor of scanning the tavern for familiar long, white hair. He comes up empty, shoulders slumping as he turns back to the bartender.

“Have you seen Geralt?”

“A saint he is,” a woman sitting at the bar says, and Jaskier pulls his attention toward her, cocking his head slightly to the side.

“He stopped by very early this morning and asked if anyone needed help with anything. We’ve had these pesky giant centipedes causing a ruckus on our farm. He came back an hour later with the head of one, but he wouldn’t accept our payment.”

Jaskier stares at the small satchel of coins lying untouched on the table, brows furrowed. “He didn’t take the money...?”

“He didn’t take mine either,” a young farmer boy interrupts, and soon, others in the tavern are crowding around and joining in, telling their own accounts of Geralt providing his services for free.

Jaskier listens, frown growing deeper, more prominent, with each story, and after a good ten minutes of storytelling, he interrupts the crew.

“Hold on, how many requests has he taken?”

“Hard to say,” the bartender admits, wiping down a mug. “He came back a few hours after dropping your sorry, drunken ass off at the inn and started demanding requests.”

“You mean to tell me,” Jaskier draws out, heart beating a little too fast against his ribs, “that Geralt has been taking requests all night?”

“Sounds like it,” the bartender answers as others chant their praises for the Witcher.

“Well,” Jaskier starts as he slides off the bar stool. “I guess I should go and find him--”

“--go east toward the edge of the woods,” a woman supplies. “There’s an old cemetery. I heard a man tell him some fleders were spotted in that area.”

Jaskier’s heart stutters at the mention of such a dangerous threat, and he offers a thankful nod toward the woman before hurrying out of the tavern. To his surprise, Roach is still tied to a post near the inn, and he approaches the horse with defensive, raised hands.

“Easy, Roach. I’m a friend.” He’s pleased to see that Roach is tolerating him today, and after a few minutes and a lot of falling, he’s finally able to climb onto the back of the horse. “Well, then, let’s head east.” He waits for Roach to move, but the horse, as stubborn as his owner, remains glued to his spot until he presses his heels lightly into his side.

Roach starts at a light trot east toward the edge of the woods, and Jaskier takes this brief moment of solitude to address the urgent sense of panic gripping at his heart. This, he thinks, is unlike Geralt. Taking this many jobs for no pay? It doesn’t settle right in his chest. He can’t shake this feeling that something’s wrong, something’s off, and he just hopes that Geralt’s still breathing when he finds him.

It takes an hour to get to the cemetery, but his relief at seeing Geralt alive is short-lived when the Witcher turns toward the sound of the horse approaching. Jaskier sees the dark, cold eyes looking back at him, eyes pulsing and plagued by a strong liquid. There’s a small, empty bottle on the ground beside a dead fleder, and Jaskier frowns sharply at it as he swings his legs over Roach’s back and slides off the horse. He hits the ground, staggers, and falls backward, but he’s quick to get back on his feet.

“Geralt,” he calls out carefully. “What are you doing?” He starts to step forward, but then a fleder flies at him, and he’s sure he sees his life flash before his eyes before Geralt’s large body crashes into him, sending the two falling to the ground.

“Go,” Geralt growls to him, face just inches from Jaskier’s, before he jumps to his feet, sword raised and ready as the fleder flies back toward them.

Jaskier slowly gets to his feet, watching with wide eyes as Geralt takes a long, shaking swing in perfect time with the fleder’s movements. Geralt’s blade makes contact, and the Witcher puts force behind his sword until the fleder is falling to the ground.

The only sound to follow is Geralt’s harsh, ragged breathing, and he jabs his sword into the ground to brace himself against it when he stumbles slightly. Jaskier watches, lips curled into a deep frown, brows furrowed, and he approaches Geralt slowly.

“Geralt,” he repeats. “What’s going on?” He can see the Witcher’s shoulders tense at the question, but Geralt doesn’t turn to look at him. Jaskier takes a few more steps toward him, stepping over a fleder body with a grimace pulling at his face.

“Why have you taken so many requests without accepting pay?” The closer Jaskier gets to Geralt, the easier it is to see the general, curved slump of Geralt’s posture and the tremble of Geralt’s hand that’s gripping the hilt of his sword as if that’s the only thing keeping him upright. Jaskier starts shifting around until he’s facing Geralt just as the potion wears off, dark eyes fading to tired, amber ones.

“All night, I might add,” Jaskier presses, and Geralt slowly lifts his gaze to meet Jaskier’s eyes. Jaskier sucks in a sharp hiss of a breath at the clear exhaustion pulling at Geralt’s features, but he opts to remain silent and wait until Geralt’s ready to speak.

After a few, silent minutes that drag on and on, Geralt finally sighs, deep, long, drawn out. “I’m doing my job.”

“You are seeking out work as if you are hungry for a death wish,” Jaskier clarifies, voice sharp yet concerned.

“It’s dangerous out here--”

“--well of course it is,” Jaskier interrupts. “That doesn’t mean you have to go running toward every beast that crosses your path for hours on end with no sleep. You are exhausted, Geralt.” He stresses each word, dragging out the syllables, and Geralt’s face falls. Conflict colors his eyes, a look Jaskier’s only seen once or twice.

“I’m,” Geralt pauses, eyes falling closed in a slow blink. “I’m doing it for you.”

“You’re... what?” Jaskier’s heart skips a beat. He locks eyes with Geralt, and the concern bleeding through his body is mixing with muted confusion, and something else he can’t quite put a finger on.

“Last night. Your sleep was fitful--”

“--I was drunk--”

“--you were afraid,” Geralt’s voice is sharp in a way that Jaskier can’t find a word to interject.

“You shouted about werewolves,” Geralt presses with a sigh.

“I’m fine,” Jaskier tries to assure, but Geralt shakes his head.

“Physically, yes, but...” Geralt’s grip tightens on the hilt of his sword. “It’s dangerous for you.” He makes to rip it from the ground, but Jaskier closes the short distance between the two and drops his hand atop Geralt’s.

“Just as it is for you,” Jaskier whispers. His heart is threatening to leap from his throat. It’s working in overtime, and he knows his face is blushing like mad, yet he keeps his voice soft, cool, but demanding. “But you won’t do us any good if you collapse.” He holds Geralt’s gaze, the two sharing a silent conversation that Geralt breaks with a low groan.

“I am tired.”

“See?” Jaskier says, a small smile flicking across his lips. “Now, how about we head back to the inn so you can get some much needed rest? I’m sure Roach can carry us both, right?”

Geralt only grunts, and the two struggle onto Roach’s back. Roach grunts a little, but Geralt’s hand smoothing over his neck eases him, and with Geralt behind Jaskier, he reaches around for the reins, trusting Roach to lead them back safely without much guidance.

The ride back is silent. Jaskier wants to fill the silence so that there’s no risk of Geralt catching onto his rapid heart, but Geralt’s chin is is resting atop his shoulder, and the Witcher’s eyes are shut. Jaskier’s afraid to move, to jostle Geralt, so he remains stiff as a board until one of Geralt’s hands drops the reins and slides to Jaskier’s thigh.

“Relax. It feels as if I’m resting on a rock.”

“Sorry,” Jaskier squeaks out, but he obliges, huffing out a shaking sigh and willing his muscles to loosen. It works, he supposes, because Geralt lets out a low, pleased hum that squeezes hard at Jaskier’s heart.

By the time they’re back at the inn and Geralt’s bathed and in bed, Jaskier feels as if he might faint from a rapid heart. He grabs his lute and starts toward the door, freezing at the low growl that comes from the bed.

“Jaskier.”

“Yes?” Jaskier turns around.

“Lie with me.”

“I don’t want to disrupt your sleep--”

“--you won’t,” Geralt responds sleepily. “I need to make sure you are...”

“Safe,” Jaskier whispers, finishing Geralt’s sentence as the Witcher struggles to keep his eyes open. He moves toward the bed, climbing atop above the covers until his back is pressed against the wooden headboard.

“Will you sleep?”

Jaskier breathes out a shaky laugh. “I’m far too strung to fall asleep, I’m afraid. Plus, I’ve had a full night’s sleep unlike you.”

Geralt hums, rolling over until his hand is resting atop Jaskier’s thigh. “Good. I cannot protect you from your dreams.”

“Geralt,” Jaskier starts, but Geralt interrupts with a gruff voice.

“Sing something.”

“My lute’s over--”

“--no chords. Just your voice.”

“I thought you hated my singing.” He meets Geralt’s half-lidded eyes, and Geralt narrows his slightly.

“Sing.”

“Fine,” Jaskier huffs. He tilts his head back until he’s staring at the ceiling and clears his throat.

“One’s heart’s too loud, screaming for something more. Screaming for nothing more than to scream for what he shouldn’t adore.”

[imnotcameraready]

chivalry is dead (19 [INTERMISSION 2])

A/N: cut to me rubbing my little fly hands together — i am SO excited to get this ball started that i’m literally boutta post 2 chapters, so bear with me here ,., also, posting them now because i’ve gotta go to work at around 11 and then dont wanna do posting/edits at like, midnight lmao 

bc that’s when im just gonna. keep writing., im so excited for this arc y’all im literally shaking

WARNINGS: massive descriptions of disassociation, being lightheaded, mentions of being dehydrated, mentions of not eating, threats of being pushed down the stairs, bandage mention ig? — i think that's all on this one!!!

Words: 1181

AO3 link!

MASTERPOST! <– look here!! for the longterm warnings!! including sympathetic Deceit and cursing/swearing!

enjoy !!! <3 <3 <3 <3 

“You’re in my world now, not your world~”

“Why are there so many stairs?”

“And I’ve got foes on the other side~”

“Wait, that’s not the lyric.”

“Sit down at my table~”

“.....Fine.”

“Put your mind at ease~”

“I put a spell on you~”

A small, tired laugh. “If you relax, it will enable me to do….”

“And now you’re mine~!”

“...Anything I please. I can read your future~”

“Be prepa-ared!”

“I can change it ‘round some, too~”

“Trust in me~”

More laughter. “Ironic.”

“Fuck off or I’ll drop you down the stairs. You started it!”

“I know, I know. It’s all almost done. I only hope Thomas is-I hope he’s okay.”

“Eh, who gives? He’ll be fine soon enough, don’t worry your bandages off. Come on, your gown is waiting.”

Thomas flicked his feet left and right, watching the television while paying absolutely zero attention while laying on the couch upside down. After failing to summon the Sides that morning, he’d gone to watch television, and found himself rewatching The Office again in a semi-binge state. It’d take a solid four days to watch it all but it wasn’t like Thomas had the motivation or drive to do anything else, despite the looming deadline on the new video’s script.

On any other day, he’d be able to hear Virgil screaming at him, Roman rushing around with ideas, butting heads with Logan over rewrites and edits. Patton’d pop in with some supportive words and an offer to make dinner sometimes.

But now? Now he wasn’t getting anything. It was as though all of his sides had clocked out at once — even Deceit and Remus weren’t delivering input. And whatever was holding back any of the other Sides he had (because, lets face it, Thomas had no idea how many Sides there were in total, especially not after Remus’ introduction) wasn’t letting up. So, using every ounce of deductive reasoning he had left, Thomas figured that he just. No longer had a personality.

The more he thought about that, though, the more he considered how irrational that would be. But he didn’t care enough to believe a separate reasoning? And didn’t have the focus, creativity, or capacity to think of a different explanation.

So, The Office. 

He had been sitting on this couch for upwards of twelve hours. Probably bordering on sixteen to seventeen hours, but he couldn’t count. It was long past sunset outside, perhaps the stars were out. 

An empty pizza box was sitting on the couch beside him. At least he had the common sense to eat one meal — an extra large pepperoni meal, but a meal nonetheless.

What the heck was happening?

The phone on his chin, balanced there out of boredom a few hours ago, buzzed and nearly fell off. 

Thomas’ hand smacked up to it, causing his phone to fall and hit his nose. That caused a chain reaction of him falling over, first sideways onto the couch, then rolling off the couch all together and onto the floor. 

So much for “nothing happening.” Thomas groaned as he pushed himself up onto his elbows and grabbed his phone, which had slid beneath the table. 

He flicked it on.

JOAN —> IMG0492.JPG

Ah. Thomas squinted and opened it. 

It was a Sanders Sides meme, one of the new templates. He covered his mouth and snorted with laughter, shaking his head. 

Another text from Joan dinged.

JOAN —> you alive? you missed prime coffee shop writing hours

Oh, heck. Thomas mentally chided himself. He and Joan were going to hunker down at a cafe and hash out the new script today to get it done before the deadline. Of course he forgot, like an absolute doofus. 

He began typing out a response. The thought of lying flitted through his mind, the excuse of being “out of it” wasn’t exactly the best reason. He thought for a second but he couldn’t even think of an adequate lie. Wow. Even Deceit had clocked out. Thomas probably should have tried to summon him, now that he thought about it. A little past time, but, oh well.

Alright, the truth. How the heck was he supposed to explain that he couldn’t think? Thomas pushed himself off the floor on his elbows, but winced as the weight seemed to leave his head almost immediately. He kept a hand on the couch as he sat up on his knees, one hand running through his hair and then resting on the back of his neck. 

How long had he been sitting upside down again? Goodness gracious. Part of him wanted to be worried about the repercussions of not having a coherent thought process, but the other was kinda singing Disney songs on repeat. 

In actuality, the most coherent thoughts he had held all day was the nonstop playlist of Disney songs that seemed to run through his head. 

At least that meant Roman was still kicking? That’s what that meant, right?

Oh, yeah, the text. Thomas pushed himself up onto the couch, ignoring how both of his legs seemed to be asleep, buzzing with the prickly pain of pinched nerves and a lack of blood. Lack of blood. All the blood was in his head. Heheheh. 

Gosh, he should sleep soon, he was getting light headed. Had he had any water today, actually? The thought of water made his throat run dry — no, no he hadn’t.

Focus, Sanders. He bit his tongue and typed out a response. Using both thumbs, because for some reason, his single-hand coordination was not working.  

THOMAS —> Yeah. Sorry about that, I think I’m sick or something. Haven’t been able to hold a thought all day and my head is super light.

JOAN —> thats fair, do you have tea or some soup? :( if youre that sick do you wanna push the script deadline a day or two? 

What did Thomas do to deserve Joan, they were always such a beacon of sunlight. He smiled to himself and responded as fast as he could while typing like a technologically illiterate fool, one letter per minute.

THOMAS —> That would be awesome. I’ve got tea, too. Think I’m gonna go to sleep soon though

THOMAS —> Could we push one day? And if you’re still not doing anything on Sunday, we could reschedule 

JOAN —> okay, I’ll let the team know. you get some sleep!!

JOAN —> I’m down for prime coffee shop o’clock on Sunday. 9 am at brewed awakening?

JOAN —> if you need some soupy soup let me know 

Then they sent a cat gif with hearts from Giphy. What an angel. 

Thomas exhaled and leaned back on the couch. He put his phone flat on his forehead, then crossed his arms. That was the best news to come out of today, honestly. One day was better than no days. And if he and Joan could mix up some good ideas on Sunday, then all the better. 

Hopefully that’d give the Sides enough time to figure out what the flip was happening in there.

taglists!

chivalry taglist: @starlightvirgil @forrestwyrm @daflangstlairde @marshmallow-the-panda @askthesnake @k9cat @patromlogil @theobsessor1 @ninja-wizard101 @fandomsofrandom

general taglist: @jemthebookworm @okay-finne

[cycwrites]

The Middle

Alternatively titled: Can Beca Come Out and Play – Or that time Stacie Got Bored

A/N: A post Nowish Stechlobree/PolyBellasSquared fluff and smut oneshot. Cause why not. And the Beta demanded I write her smut. Gotta keep @tiny-maus-boots happy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rating: Mature

Words: 18,000ish

Also on AO3 and FFN

All other works in my A Shared Lifetime AU can be found here though I do recommend reading it in the Written Order series on AO3.

~C~

Friday, September 1st, 2017

Chloe settled back against a pillow and grabbed her magazine from the bedside table. She’d just gotten out of the shower and planned to read a bit before she had to think about dinner. Beca had worked from home that day and was still in her studio, though she’d promised Chloe she’d be done soon.

When her phone chimed twice in a row, she picked it up and smiled.

Stacie: Oh baby! Why don’t you just meet me in the middddllllle

Stacie: I’m losin’ my mind just a littllllllllle

Chloe: Are you drunk?

Stacie: Maaaaaybe. Bree had to go back to work for a few hours and I got bored so I made something fruity.

Stacie: Speaking of fruity – can Beca come out and play?

Chloe laughed out loud.

“What’s so funny?”

She looked up and saw Beca walk into the room.

“Stacie’s singing ‘The Middle’ to me again. Bree had to go back to work and Stacie got bored. Wants to know if you can come out and play.” She grinned when Beca mock rolled her eyes as she went to their dresser.

“Doesn’t she know that song is about… like… a fight and compromise, not ‘come out and play in the pool between our houses’?” Beca rummaged through the drawers and set out some shorts and a t-shirt.

Chloe shrugged. “I know I’m not the only one who thinks it’s adorable when she drunk serenades us with it.” She waited and while Beca remained silent, Chloe could see her smiling in one of the mirrors. “In fact, the last time that happened, I’m pretty sure you were the one who stood naked in our back door until she noticed you. At noon. On a Saturday.”

Beca turned around. “Hey, Bree dared me to.” She grinned wider. “She wanted to see how long it’d take Stacie to see me.”

Chloe laughed. “I remember.” It had been less than a second. Aubrey had literally timed it. ‘.751 seconds. That’s my girl.’ Stacie had been by the pool and homed in on Beca like a shark, pushing her back into the kitchen almost before Chloe had even realized Beca had opened the door.

Beca wiggled her eyebrows. “That was a good day.” She hip bumped the drawer close. “A really good day.”

Chloe nodded, grinning. It had been a great day and the four of them had barely made it upstairs before things had gotten serious. Well, as serious as they could be with Stacie and Beca giggling like teenagers; until Aubrey had gotten her hands on them, at least. Things had gotten a little (lot) more breathy then.

“She’s been drinking today too…” Chloe trailed off as watched as Beca stripped down for her shower and threw her clothes in the hamper. “What was I saying? I got distracted.” She bit her lip, ever appreciative of Beca’s naked form.

Beca grinned over her shoulder as she walked into the bathroom. “Have her come over; I’ll be out shortly.”

Chloe looked back down. “Right. Stacie. Texting.”

 Chloe: So pull me closer Why don’t you pull me close? Why don’t you come on overrrrrrrr

Chloe: B just got in the shower and I’m just reading in bed, so come on up.

 Chloe didn’t get an answer and after only a few seconds she had a silent bet with herself as she threw her phone to the side and held up her magazine again, though she looked over the top instead of reading it.

Either Stacie was just heading over from her house and wasn’t going to bother with answering, or… A shadow in the hall told her it was option two: Stacie had originally texted from the back door, if she wasn’t already in the kitchen. Chloe had a second bet with herself – would Stacie be clothed or not – but she knew there really was only one answer.

Chloe started to sing. “I need you on my skin, just come over, pull me in…”

Chloe broke off and drew in a deep breath when Stacie appeared in the doorway. Expected or not, the sight of a completely naked Stacie Conrad was something that she didn’t think she would ever get used to. Or get enough of. Hell, she wasn’t even really used to a naked Beca after all these years. Throw a naked Staubrey on top of all that… ‘Maybe not the best way to phrase it.’ Chloe grinned up at Stacie, desire already coiling through her. ‘Or the perfect way, I suppose.’ She bit her lip as Stacie stalked into the room, her eyes intent on Chloe’s, a small smile playing across her mouth.

Reaching the bed, Stacie slowly eased onto it on all fours and, not for the first time, Chloe thought she was like a giant jungle cat. All smooth muscle, liquid movements and focused solely on her prey. Chloe felt her body start to tingle in anticipation as Stacie paused just before she reached Chloe’s outstretched legs.

Chloe swallowed as she watched Stacie lower her face down until it was just above one of Chloe’s shins. Her tongue came out and delicately touched skin as Stacie continued her slow pace up Chloe’s body, her tongue lightly moving from shin to knee to thigh until stopped by Chloe’s shorts. She looked up, mischief bright in her green eyes, before tugging once at the bottom of Chloe’s shorts with her teeth. Chloe’s breath hitched in her throat as her legs automatically parted to allow Stacie’s shifting body between them.

Then she simply pressed her nose into Chloe’s thigh and moved upward, dragging the hem of Chloe’s shirt as, just like a cat, she pushed her head down and against the bottom of the magazine Chloe had forgotten she was holding. When Chloe was too stunned to move, overwhelmed a bit by all that skin, Stacie sat up and plucked the magazine from her hand, smiling as she tossed it gently to the side. She immediately resumed pushing Chloe’s shirt up with her nose, allowing her tongue free access to trace across Chloe’s stomach. She shivered under Stacie’s touch, her fingers tangling in honey brown tresses without conscious thought.

They’d all fallen so easily into this new realm that Chloe almost couldn’t remember what it was like before. Where she didn’t have the memory of what Stacie’s skin felt like against her own. How it tasted. Where she didn’t have even the thought in her head to reach out to either Stacie or Aubrey and pull them into a kiss. She much preferred this world where suddenly Naked Stacie and Sex Voice Aubrey often appeared like magic and Chloe didn’t have to keep her hands to herself.

With one last nip of teeth above Chloe’s belly button, Stacie pulled back slightly but before Chloe could even whimper at the loss, Stacie had lowered herself to slide the entire length of their bodies against each other until their hips rested comfortably together and her mouth covered Chloe’s.

Chloe also thought she’d never get tired of how Stacie would simply sink into whoever she was kissing. It never felt like she was pinning them down, merely trying to get as much of her touching as much of them as possible. Especially if she was naked.  Chloe wrapped her legs around Stacie, pulling her close and deepening a kiss that had already pulled the breath from her.

Chloe worked her arms under Stacie’s until she was able to grip Stacie’s sides, holding on tightly as Stacie began to slowly thrust against her. Chloe pressed upward, helpless to do anything but respond to the deliberately building rhythm. She heard herself whimper and was shocked at the need in it as she’d gone from zero to ‘fuck me’ in less than a minute.

Her hands skimmed up until she could rake her nails back down the length of Stacie’s spine, her fingertips finally flattening to smooth against the dip that led to the swell of her ass. Which, since it was there, Chloe palmed as much as she could from that angle and pulled her closer.

With a groan, Stacie pulled her lips away but before Chloe could chase her down or beg that she return to what she’d been doing, Stacie’s head dipped and she dragged the flat of her tongue firmly up the column of Chloe’s throat. It was Chloe’s turn to let out a moan that turned to a sharp hiss as Stacie’s teeth found her pulse point and gripped before her lips locked against Chloe’s skin and she began to suck.

“Jesus, Stacie.” Chloe breathed out, once again reminded of why Beca loved the feeling of this so much. She felt Stacie practically purr against her skin, hearing in it her love and the need to claim.

Stacie finally pulled back and licked delicately at the mark she’d left. “What do you need, love?” Humor laced her voice as she looked up into Chloe’s eyes, but her own were still fire and desire that scorched Chloe’s skin. She was still very much the predator intent on her prey and Chloe loved every thrilling second of it.

“Inside me,” Chloe answered breathlessly, already aching between her legs. “I need you inside me.”

“That can be arranged.” Stacie claimed her lips again but far too quickly before she pulled back. “But first I need to go get our girl out of the shower.” She kissed Chloe again, her tongue plunging hard and fast and Chloe felt the memory echo of it in her core. Stacie sat up, resting on Chloe’s thighs; her grin cocky and confident as she took in Chloe’s panting body. “We’ll be back, I promise.”

Chloe felt her heart flutter at Stacie’s grin. Part of her initial attraction to Beca had been that cocky smirk she’d given when they first met – especially when Aubrey had called her a bitch. Something about all that cool confidence made Chloe’s pulse beat faster and now she had two of them who had it in spades. Aubrey did too, though hers was a more controlled power and poise– less cocky and more a sheer force of nature – that had drawn Chloe to her from the beginning.

She held up a hand. “Help me up.” Stacie took it and tugged lightly, helping Chloe sit up. “Thanks.”

“No prob-” It was Stacie’s turn to hiss out a breath as Chloe immediately took her left nipple in her mouth and rolled her tongue around it. Stacie’s hands tangled in Chloe’s hair, holding her there as her hips pressed downward. “Chlo…”

Chloe sucked lightly, almost teasingly, before flicking the hardening tip with her tongue. When she was satisfied with the sounds Stacie was making above her, she let the breast slip free and turned to the other one. Her attention on that taut peak was much shorter, though no less ardent. Instead she lowered her mouth until she could pull in some of the skin on the underside and suck, creating a matching mark that had Stacie writhing against her.

Reluctantly she pulled back and looked up into emerald heat. “Then I guess you better go before I tip you onto your back and give instead of take.” It was all Chloe could do to keep herself still and not push forward until she could lower herself to run her tongue through Stacie’s center. Chloe’s body memory was strong there too; she knew how Stacie felt against her tongue, how she tasted.

Stacie’s thighs tensed around Chloe’s hips as she hesitated for the briefest second and Chloe could see the effort it took to roll off her and push herself to the edge of the bed. She did it quickly as if she didn’t trust either of them to really stop and it made Chloe crave more.

As Stacie walked to the bathroom, Chloe couldn’t help but watch the sway of her hips and think how lucky she was that she could look at that amazing ass whenever she wanted. When Stacie looked over her shoulder, Chloe didn’t even care that she’d been caught or that she’d been in the process of licking her lips at the time.

Stacie grinned at her. “Aca-perv.”

Chloe only lifted a shoulder. “Guilty.”

Stacie’s eyes flicked over her. “As cute as you look, you’re wearing far too many clothes.” With a decidedly more salacious slowness than Chloe had done, Stacie ran her tongue over her bottom lip and disappeared into the other room.

Chloe let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and fell back onto her bed. “Holy shit.” She and Beca had been thrilled when Staubrey had shown them just how much of their passion they’d been… not holding back, exactly, but they were apparently more reserved until things had settled. She knew it hadn’t been intentional or that they were afraid of scaring she and Beca off, but she could understand saving part of yourself in case the worst happened. To lay everything out and then have it blow up…

Chloe shook her head, unwilling to even entertain the thought of not having them in her life. To lose them now would be as devastating as losing Beca. She’d meant what she said to Beca the night they’d talked about being more while standing in their kitchen. Chloe had given her heart to both of them long before July and she was in too deep to even consider that there had been a possibility of something else. Where before she might have worried about that, worried about her heart getting hurt, she had no fear anymore. She wasn’t alone in this – Beca felt everything as deeply as Chloe herself and it was returned twofold by their other half. She half frowned. ‘Or was that halves. Quarters?’

She knew in the beginning that Beca had also kept part of herself hidden, to a lesser extent, because she was an extremely dirty minded and inventive woman. Aubrey and Stacie had joined Chloe in teasing Beca about being so prudish that she couldn’t say “sex” in normal conversation, but in the moment, she was as vocal and detailed in what she wanted to do or have done to her as the rest of them.

Now none of them held anything back and it was like being constantly bathed in a low flame that could spin into a firestorm at a mere glance. She’d never met anyone else who could convey a mental undressing in the span of a heartbeat and now she was surrounded by three gorgeous women who did it as naturally as breathing.

Chloe laughed as a shrill but short scream came from the bathroom, followed by an extremely loud “Jesus fucking Christ, Stacie! You scared the hell out of me!”

She couldn’t hear Stacie’s response but as Chloe made a decision and reached for her phone, she heard Beca moan. “Guess Stacie’s making it up to her.”

She pulled up Aubrey’s messages and typed out a quick text.

 Chloe: Are you somewhere you can talk on your Bluetooth? If so, give me a call. Don’t panic, everything is fine. I just have a question for you.

 She didn’t have to wait long before her phone was ringing.

“What’s up?” Chloe could hear people talking in the background and figured Aubrey must still be at work.

“Stacie got a little drunk and is currently in the shower with Beca. She was supposed to just get her out, but, well, Steca apparently got distracted. Again.” Chloe rolled to the end of the bed and stood up. “I was wondering if you’d like to listen.”

Aubrey’s sharp inhale was all the answer Chloe needed, but she chuckled at Aubrey’s careful, “Yes please.” She knew that only she, Beca and Stacie would hear the desire woven through those two simple words.  There was the sound of a bell and the voices in the background faded away to be replaced by street noise. Then she laughed. “Did you just say Steca?”

Chloe grinned. “Yeah, it seems easier. Like Jessley.”

Aubrey laughed again. “You’ve got names for us all, don’t you?”

“Not yet, but I can start thinking of them.” Chloe heard another moan and bit her lip. “But maybe later. Because...” Chloe walked into the bathroom and stopped in the doorway, her own breath trapped in her throat.

Beca was leaning in the back corner opposite the spray, which had been aimed down and toward the wall, and Stacie was kneeling between her legs with Beca’s left thigh up and over her shoulder. Beca moaned again and the sound echoed in the bathroom. Chloe bit her lip as Aubrey let out a quiet gasp in her ear when Chloe began to relay in detail what she was seeing. It dawned on her this was the first time they’d engaged in any sort of activity without all four being present, or at least only a short backyard walk away after a quick text. She wasn’t sure if it was making it more exciting or worse to describe it, but since Aubrey didn’t ask her to stop, Chloe figured she’d just continue. But for now…

She fell silent as Beca’s moans grew louder, Stacie’s right hand moving from where it rested on top of Beca’s thigh to slide between her legs. When Beca cried out, Chloe couldn’t hold back her own moan. “They’re so fucking gorgeous, Bree. Stacie’s inside her now, Beca’s head is back and her eyes are closed, her hands in Stacie’s hair.” Stacie had pulled her hair up into a messy bun and Beca’s fingers had sunk into it as she held on and pulled her closer.

Chloe could hear Aubrey’s quick breath in her ear and hoped she wasn’t anywhere where her coworkers could see her. While Aubrey wouldn’t care in the moment, she’d definitely care later if it came up in casual conversation or some sort of public lewdness reprimand.

Chloe fell silent again, lost in watching the two of them moving against one another until suddenly Aubrey yelled “Damnit!” in her ear.

Chloe’s attention snapped back to the phone. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Aubrey growled as Chloe heard the beep of the car alarm. “I just spent three minutes trying to get into my car. Except it wasn’t my fucking car, it was a damn Fiat two rows over!” There was the slamming of a car door and the sound of the seatbelt being pulled.

Chloe laughed with relief and amusement. “Aubrey, you hate Fiats.”

“I know! That’s what makes it more annoying!”  Aubrey started the car. “I’m on my way.”

“Please be careful.” Chloe looked back toward the shower. “Should… should we hang up? So you’re not distracted?”

“No!” Aubrey yelled.

“Alright, calm down there, horny pants.” Chloe teased, knowing full well she was a hypocrite. “Speaking of, I’m putting you on speaker for a bit. Stacie said I had too many clothes on earlier and I need to fix that.” She chuckled quietly as Aubrey let out another moan, knowing her best friend was picturing her naked. “I’d say we’ll be waiting for you, but I have no idea what’s going to happen when they get out of there.”

“You’re the worst.” Aubrey whined.

“You mean we’re the best.” Chloe said as she put the phone on speaker and set it down. She quickly stripped out of the clothes she just put on, folding the shorts and shirt on the counter but already knowing she was going to need a different pair of underwear when she got dressed again. ‘Whenever that is,’ she thought with a shiver.

Not wanting to distract a driving Aubrey with the details – though the moaning that was intensifying in the shower should give plenty of them – Chloe left the phone on speaker and leaned against the counter beside it. She got lost watching them again, filled with desire, love, need and overall a sense of home that pulled every single string in her heart. She was so lost in it that she didn’t even hear anyone come in but suddenly there was a naked body pressed against her back and arms looped around her waist.

"Oh thank god, I didn’t miss it completely.” Aubrey whispered in her ear before her teeth nipped at Chloe’s neck.

“How… how did you…” Chloe started to ask but Aubrey’s hands slid up and cupped her breasts; she decided it didn’t really matter and it wouldn’t have surprised her in the least to learn Aubrey had willed herself into spontaneous teleportation. “God you feel good.” She let her head lean back to rest on Aubrey’s shoulder and just enjoyed the attention and the view. Aubrey’s hands drifted up and down her stomach, nails scratching gently along her ribs, one slender finger dipping between Chloe’s legs, making her realize just how wet she’d become since Stacie appeared like a naked Goddess in the bedroom doorway.

Beca’s head dropped down and her eyes half opened once, then more fully, though Chloe could see she fought to keep them open. “Oh shit…” She broke off with a cry as Stacie pushed against her. “Bucky… the girls are watching. We’ve been caught.”

Stacie lifted her head and looked over her shoulder, smiling even as she licked her lips and Chloe felt Aubrey’s teeth sink into her skin. She understood all too well, her own body clenched at the memory and the promise she’d been given.

“Becs,” Stacie turned back around. “Do you think you could… maybe brace yourself somehow… so I can…” Stacie trailed off as she shifted her left arm until it was under Beca’s right leg.

“Holy shit.” Chloe didn’t know who said it, her or Aubrey, but they both gasped as Stacie lifted Beca’s other leg over her shoulder until Beca’s weight rested on her upper arms, her forearms braced against the wall to hold Beca in the air.

Beca’s eyes opened wide as she stared down in shock. “Holy fuck.” Stacie leaned forward again and obviously gave an experimental lick because Beca’s whole body jerked in reaction. She shifted slightly until she was apparently satisfied with her access and angle and buried herself between Beca’s braced legs. Beca’s eyes closed once more, her hands still buried in Stacie’s hair. “There, oh god, there… “

Chloe let her hands drift back and ran her nails across Aubrey’s thighs. Aubrey pressed closer, her hands still over Chloe’s breasts but now her fingers toyed with nipples that were so hard they ached. They were helpless to do anything more than watch; the two women in the shower would have held their focus anyway, but seeing Stacie actually holding Beca in the air was breathtaking.

“Fuck!” Beca’s toes curled as her cries grew louder and Chloe knew that she was close. So did Stacie, because – somehow – she managed to turn her hands until they were able to cup the sides of Beca’s breasts.  “Stace… oh god…” Beca let out a sharp cry. “Faster, please…” Stacie must have and Chloe felt her own muscles tensing in anticipation as Beca panted and writhed until Stacie’s name echoed from the walls and Beca’s body went rigid.

Aubrey’s body was rocking against her and Chloe pressed back, the sensation of Aubrey’s own hard nipples against her back adding another layer to the fire slowly burning through her. “I could watch that all day.” Aubrey whimpered in agreement as Beca’s body slowly relaxed, though Stacie still nuzzled against her.

Stacie gently helped guide Beca’s legs from her shoulders and stood, helping to keep her upright when it became obvious that Beca’s legs weren’t quite ready to support her. When Beca finally found her balance, Stacie leaned around the spray and turned the water off. Reluctantly Chloe pulled herself away from Aubrey and handed her the towel that Beca had laid out. “One for you.” She turned to the cabinet and got another one. “One for me.”

Stacie opened the door and gently urged Beca out first and Chloe stepped forward to loop the towel around her. Beca’s eyes were still a little glazed and her body trembled against Chloe’s like a newborn colt. Chloe gently began to towel her dry as Stacie stepped into Aubrey’s arms and pulled her into a deep kiss. Aubrey moaned deep in her throat, the hunger in it sending lightning up Chloe’s spine, and pulled Stacie even closer. Chloe, intimately familiar with that particular moan, knew it was because she could still taste Beca on Stacie’s lips; Aubrey hadn’t wanted to admit it at first, but once the other three had gone down on each other, then kissed her and the sound was the same, she admitted that it was a personal kink she’d recently developed. It was also the last time any of them had felt awkward about admitting something they liked or desired. There may be some light teasing, but never judgement or shame.

Beca let out a sudden sigh, as if she was just then finally able to draw in a deeper breath than the shallow panting she’d been doing. Chloe smiled at her even as she began to dry Beca’s hair. “You okay, love?” Beca nodded, her eyes still dazed. “Not able to talk yet?” Beca shook her head and Chloe chuckled softly. “That happens.” Beca stood patiently, still possibly not in control of her limbs, and let Chloe dry her off and run a comb through her hair. Beca’s face was still adorably slack and Chloe kissed her gently, feeling Beca slowly come back to herself as her lips firmed and her hands curved around Chloe’s ribs.

Beside them, once Aubrey had let Stacie come up for air, the other two were repeating much the same ritual though Stacie had managed to keep her hair mostly dry. As they stepped into the bedroom, Stacie turned and pulled Beca back into her arms, kissing her as thoroughly as she had Chloe and Aubrey.

“Thanks for letting me crash your shower, 8 seconds.” She ran her hands down Beca’s back and squeezed her ass.

Beca let out a laugh, her eyes finally clearing. “I’m pretty sure I should be thanking you for the shower invasion.” She pursed her lips. “Which seems to be a theme for the women in my life, apparently.” She looked over at Chloe and the warmth of her smile bathed Chloe from head to toe. “Since it’s what led us here, I’m not complaining at all.”

“Mm.” Aubrey chewed her lip briefly. “While I may have been shocked all those years ago, I have to say that I’m grateful Chloe briefly lost all sense of propriety.”

As Chloe turned to climb onto the bed, she heard Stacie ask, “How’re your legs, B?” She settled diagonally on the bed and watched Stacie pat Beca’s leg.

“What?” Beca looked up and blinked.

“Your legs. They working okay?” Stacie’s smile turned the slightest bit smug. “Or do you need more time?”

Beca’s eyes narrowed and Chloe bit back a grin. It wasn’t even like Beca could argue, Chloe had felt her trembling. “I may still need a moment.” When Stacie laughed, Beca poked her in the side. “It’s your fault, sweeping a woman off her feet like that.”

“Your toes actually curled.” Chloe pointed out helpfully. “Like, literally curled.” She grinned when Beca looked at her, eyes glazing slightly at the memory.

“I think my everything curled,” Aubrey sighed as she sat on the edge of the bed. “That was beautiful and hot.” Chloe stretched her arm out and ran her fingers down Aubrey’s arm who turned and looked at her. “You’re beautiful and hot too.” She pushed herself over next to Chloe.

Chloe smiled and pulled Aubrey down by a lock of hair. “I feel the same way about you, love. C’mere.” Aubrey pressed against her side and deepened the kiss immediately. Chloe rolled to her back, more than willing to let Aubrey take the lead as she leaned over and licked down into Chloe’s mouth. Aubrey’s left hand ran down her side before returning to cup her breast, causing Chloe to gasp into her mouth and arch her back.

A second weight hit the bed and Chloe pulled away to see Stacie crawling towards her. It was déjà vu all over again – except Stacie’s expression was more predatory, definitely more smug, and without any clothes as a barrier, she didn’t even bother with starting at the shin. Chloe’s breath stopped in her throat as Stacie’s head dipped and she gave a very firm, very slow lick up through her center.

“Oh my god.” Her eyes slamming shut, Chloe’s back arched further off the bed and she cried out as Aubrey’s fingers pulled at first one nipple then the other. “Oh my god.”

“I always keep my promises.” Stacie pulled away long enough to purr.

Chloe looked down the length of her body, finding Stacie stretched out on The Expanse and her mouth already back on Chloe’s suddenly even wetter core. She cried out again, unable to look away as Beca slid up onto the bed and onto Stacie’s back. As Chloe fought to keep her eyes open, Beca’s hands slid along the inside of Chloe’s thighs and pushed them apart, giving Stacie more room.

“Stacie… please…”Chloe couldn’t stop the roll of her body, already desperate for their touch.

“It’s okay, Chlo,” Aubrey whispered into her ear, her fingers still alternating between rolling and tugging. “We got you.”

Chloe let herself go, knowing she was safe because her three were always there to lift her up and catch her when she fell. She’d once thought that she was an instrument that only Beca could play – but the past two months had shown her what it was to be part of a symphony.

With a slight lift of Chloe’s hips with her strong but gentle hands, Stacie’s tongue traced her center, teasing along the edges before plunging in over and over. Beca’s hands tightened on her thighs before her left slid over and her fingers began to circle Chloe’s clit – never firm, never the friction that would push her closer to the edge - merely enough to keep her on edge, begging and desperate.

Those brief moments where she could force her eyes open showed Beca alternating between watching Chloe with enough heat to scorch and watching Stacie tongue fuck Chloe until she was ready to scream.

“You always sounded so good, Chlo.” Then there was Aubrey, whispering in her ear when she wasn’t leaving open mouthed kisses along any portion of Chloe’s skin she could reach. “I’d listen to you at night, with whoever had caught your attention, and wonder what it would be like to be the one making you make those delicious sharp gasps.” Her timing was perfect as Stacie’s tongue curled inside Chloe and she gasped, her whole body jerking as she tried to push herself closer to both of them at once.

“Why…?” Chloe tried to speak, tried to pull enough of herself together to ask Aubrey why she’d never given any indication, made any move, but all her focus was split between the myriad of sensations they were creating with fingers and tongue and she broke off with a cry. “FUCK!” Stacie’s chuckle rumbled against her – inside her – and Chloe thought she’d die from how sinfully self-satisfied it sounded. She could practically see the smirk that would’ve accompanied it if Stacie’s mouth wasn’t otherwise occupied.

“It wasn’t my place or time.” Aubrey said, her fingers still torturously circling, tugging and pulling at breasts sensitized to her touch. “Not that I knew we’d end up here – ” Aubrey pulled Chloe’s earlobe into her mouth and bit down gently before letting it slip free. “But I was more than happy being your best friend and wasn’t going to risk that if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“Oh Bree,” Chloe breathed out. Blindly she reached up and pulled Aubrey to her lips, needing to kiss away the sadness she felt at the thought of Aubrey alone in her room – knowing that Aubrey was both right and wrong. It wouldn’t have ruined their friendship and in fact Chloe was slowly becoming convinced she’d had deeply buried feelings for Aubrey since the beginning. And right because Chloe wouldn’t go back to change anything and risk never having the three of them like this in her life.

“You know I have to ask this,” Beca’s husky voice sent a shiver down Chloe’s back and she wasn’t surprised to feel a mirroring tremor where Aubrey was pressed against her. “How many times did you touch yourself listening to Chloe?”

If Chloe had any breath left to her – though Stacie had slowed her pace as she listened – she’d have laughed. It wasn’t until they’d entered into this relationship with Staubrey that Chloe realized just how voyeuristic Beca really was. While Beca loved to take part, she was equally as content and happy to watch and listen – half the time Chloe was convinced Beca could, and had, come from that alone. A small orgasm, perhaps, but it only made her more sensitive when one of them finally got their hands on her.

“Every time.” Aubrey confessed after the smallest hesitation. “Chloe had Titanium and I had Chloe as my secret lady jam.” Chloe’s mind went blank at the thought of Aubrey stroking herself in time with her cries, wondered how many times they’d come simultaneously already and she never even knew it. Somewhere, at some point, she was going to pin Aubrey down to have a discussion about this new information, preferably naked, but for now… Beca let out whimper, her fingers stilling for several heartbeats as Stacie moaned low in her throat, once more vibrating through Chloe’s center and pushing her that much closer to the edge.

“Stacie,” Chloe begged. “Please… oh god, please.” She hadn’t finished speaking before Stacie had lowered her hips and slid two fingers inside her. “Fu–” She broke off with a cry as Stacie’s lips wrapped around her clit and she sucked, sending Chloe’s body into overdrive. Almost simultaneously Beca’s lips landed on the inside of Chloe’s right thigh and Aubrey’s latched on Chloe’s throat, both of their mouths pulling just as hard and Chloe felt herself explode into a thousand pieces, each colored a different shade of blue and green as three souls wove around her and put her back together.

When she could open her eyes again, Beca had cuddled into her right side and was planting kisses all along Chloe’s cheek and brow. Aubrey was nuzzling Chloe’s neck and Stacie was kneeling between her legs, stroking lightly where Chloe’s thighs met her hips. Chloe licked her lips, knowing from the way Stacie’s eyes roved over her that she had something else in mind.

A feeling that was confirmed when Stacie reached out and gripped Beca’s ankle and tugged. “C’mon, B. Can’t keep the ladies waiting.” She pushed herself backward with her right hand, keeping her left on Beca as she went.

Chloe felt her stomach tighten in anticipation and turned her attention to Aubrey until the other two came back to bed.

~B~

Beca looked down at Stacie’s hand on her ankle, and back up as she was pulled gently to the edge of the bed. “Jesus, did you eat your Wheaties today or what?” She shivered slightly at the body memory of being lifted into the air passed over her. “Cause it’s really working for me right now.”

Stacie laughed as Beca slid off the bed and stood next to her. “You like to be womanhandled, that’s good to know for the future.” Before Beca could even think of an argument – though apparently Stacie wasn’t wrong, it just wasn’t something Beca had realized until tonight –Stacie leaned down and whispered in Beca’s ear. “I hope your legs are better, because Aubrey looks… hungry …”

Beca didn’t miss the way Aubrey’s eyes had darkened or the way she was looking at the two of them from her spot at Chloe’s side. Her legs were still a bit sketchy, but that was Stacie’s own fault. That entire encounter in the shower – Beca closed her eyes as another tremor washed over her and her thighs tightened involuntarily. “Oh, no. I’m good.”

Beca followed Stacie off the bed and let herself be guided over to the dresser where she opened the bottom drawer and gave the usual snicker at her IOU for Chloe’s birthday sitting on top. “How many times have we redeemed this now, Chlo?”

“Not enough,” came the cheeky reply. “We’ll have to fix that soon.”

“Just say when, babe.” Stacie knelt down and grabbed the original harness/underwear that Beca had bought back in college. “This one for you, I think.” Beca grinned and stepped into them only to catch her breath as Stacie slid them up her legs and cupped her still sensitive center when they were in place.

Stacie rose slowly to her feet and turned Beca back toward the bed. “How can they just keep looking hotter every time they do that?”

Chloe had pulled Aubrey down into another kiss and Beca felt her mouth go dry as she was presented with the rear view of an Aubrey on her elbows and knees, her half lowered body slightly angled to Chloe’s left, as if she’d been about to push up off the bed.

“Oh god.” Beca breathed out as she walked toward them, helpless to do anything else. She crawled up behind Aubrey and ran a hand up her spine. “Stacie’s right, you guys are...” She trailed off, her hands still roaming across the expanse of Aubrey’s back, watching the muscles twitch in her wake. “Beautiful.”

Stacie was suddenly pressed against her from behind, her left hand pulling the underwear from Beca’s body while the right one slid the toy into the hole in front and locked it in place. She leaned against Beca and ran her hand down the outside of Aubrey’s right thigh. “Baby.”

Aubrey’s head snapped up to look over her shoulder as she pushed up. Instantly and almost faster than Beca could follow, she’d widened her legs, allowing Beca’s knees to fit easier between them. It never failed to amuse Beca that she and Aubrey were alike in this way and had the same reaction to the other wearing one of their strap-ons ever since that first time – Now please, more, harder, faster. Beca could never decide if Aubrey was begging when she said it, or able to remember her manners even in the middle of intense sex. Not that it really mattered, the end result of both was the same as when she dropped the please entirely and just demanded.

Looking over Beca’s shoulder, Stacie’s hands settled on Aubrey’s hips as Beca reached down to guide the shaft inside but with a shifting of her body, Chloe stretched her arm out between Aubrey’s and gripped it first. Beca whimpered softly and looked up, but Chloe was hidden behind the curtain of Aubrey’s hair. She slipped her fingers around Chloe’s and squeezed lightly in a silent ‘I love you’ and let go to slide her hands under Stacie’s.

It was always like this and Beca felt her heart soak it up like a sponge. The simple touches between herself and Chloe, an unneeded but constant reassurance; Beca ensuring her connection to Stacie by the touch of their hands; all of them focused on Aubrey – it was never about who was with who or secret desires. It was always about the connection between the four of them and the love they shared: unreserved, unhesitating and everything. They had been four individual parts that made up one complete person for so long, even before they’d gotten into bed.

Both brunettes watched as Chloe’s fingers moved between toy and Aubrey, transferring the evidence of Aubrey’s arousal to the shaft. Panting, Aubrey closed her eyes and she let her head drop to Chloe’s shoulder, though Beca could still feel her tremble and twitch beneath them and easily pictured Chloe’s fingers sliding through her center.

Just when Beca thought she couldn’t wait anymore, Chloe slid it into position and Stacie pulled Aubrey’s hips toward them even as she pressed Beca forward. Aubrey groaned as the head eased in and Beca and Stacie paused, giving her time to adjust. Beca pulled back slightly and pressed forward, sliding another inch or so inside and Stacie whimpered as Aubrey let out a soft cry.

“I love watching you together.” Stacie said softly. “I love being part of it...helping you make love."

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Chloe agreed, though Beca still couldn’t see her behind blonde locks. “Any combination of you… us.” Beca felt fingertips just barely graze her thigh then slide between her hands and Stacie’s. “Make her feel good, loves. Just like you made me.”

Aubrey let out a half sob and dropped back down to kiss Chloe. “Stop making me cry during sex.” She sniffed slightly. “It’s…”

“Beautiful.” Beca said again as she interrupted, tightening her grip and feeling Stacie do the same. “We’ve got you.” It was something that they never got tired of saying, never tired of hearing. It went back to the constant reassurance and connection – the reminder that they’d always be there, no matter what happened.

Beca continued to push deeper in short thrusts that she knew would drive Aubrey insane. Every inch was slow, sometimes Stacie puling Aubrey back toward them, sometimes pushing Beca forward; each time Aubrey let out a soft cry and tried to push back, but their combined grip on her hips kept her under their control. Beca knew that Chloe must be continuing to let her fingers stroke and wander as Aubrey’s cries were sometimes sharper that their intentionally torturous movements would account for.

Finally her hips were flush against Aubrey and Beca couldn’t help but grind, loving every single gasp and keen that fell from Aubrey’s lips. Stacie slid her hands from Aubrey’s to Beca’s hips, squeezing lightly before letting go with her left to move Beca’s hair out of the way. She placed a soft kiss against Beca’s throat and nipped lightly before moving away. Beca shivered, always affected by sharp sting of their teeth against her skin, and tightened her grip on Aubrey’s hips.

She pulled back smoothly, leaving just the tip inside, and pushed back in; though her movements were strong and deep, they were slow and designed to see how long it would take for one of them to break, regardless of which position they happened to be in at the time. It was a war between Beca’s desire to bring Aubrey to a screaming climax and her, possibly somewhat twisted, need to have Aubrey begging her, “Fuck me already!”

College Beca would have never believed that in a few years the idea of Aubrey ordering her around – IN BED no less – was something that she’d not only give in to (eventually) but something she found she kind of liked. A lot. Then again, Beca had once pointed out if Aubrey had used her Sex Voice in practice things might’ve been different. Stacie had pulled Beca onto her lap and told her, “8 Seconds, if she’d used that voice on you before you were ready, I think you’d have run away screaming instead of dealing with all the repressed lust between you two.”

Beca turned and Aubrey’s head lifted as Stacie slid onto the bed, wearing another harness; Stacie’s eyes were intent on Chloe but her hand ghosted down Beca’s arm and pressed briefly against Aubrey’s back. By sheer force of will Beca kept her hips moving though her attention was split between them and Aubrey. Stacie crawled forward until she could lift Chloe’s legs and slide her spread knees under them, remaining upright and sitting back on her heels. Chloe’s left leg fell naturally along Stacie’s side, but Stacie kept a grip on her right, raising it up to rest Chloe’s heel against her shoulder. Even as she placed open mouthed kisses along Chloe’s calf, Stacie’s right hand was between their legs, coating and guiding and Beca had the perfect view as Stacie slid forward and into her.

A quadruple moan echoed around the room as Stacie filled Chloe on the first thrust, her left hand loosely wrapped around Chloe’s raised thigh. Her whole body rolled as she pulled back and thrust again, slow and languid. Aubrey had flipped her hair and Beca could see Chloe as she bit her lip, the hand that had been between Aubrey’s legs sliding to wrap around Aubrey’s left arm and up until she gripped her shoulder as an anchor. Aubrey’s head dropped, her moans growing somewhat muffled as, Beca assumed, she kissed Chloe hungrily.

Beca dropped her hips a bit, thrusting upward at a different angle and Aubrey’s sharp cry slid through her veins like quicksilver. She couldn’t help the jerk of her hips, burying herself fully in Aubrey with a grunt just to hear it again. Beca tightened her fingers, her hands sliding forward just a bit to grip where thigh met hip and ground upward.

Of course, the problem with any type of contest in bed between the two of them was that half of the time it was rendered completely moot by the two women who shared the bed with them. Watching Stacie and Chloe together almost always threw any plans Beca had of making Aubrey wait completely out the window. Most of the time as Stacie sped up Beca would unconsciously follow because having Chloe and Aubrey screaming out their release together was one of the hottest things she had ever seen. Though, on reflection, any combination of her three girls coming at the same time was something Beca would never tire of. On those occasions the four of them reached the peak at the same time… Beca whimpered at the memory, grinding herself against the insert on her side of the strap-on. That was heaven, as far as Beca was concerned.

Of course, then there were times like now when they would never be able to declare who won – a detail that Aubrey would say was important because she was a Posen and Posen’s always win.  Beca wasn’t sure who broke first but suddenly Aubrey was yelling her name and Beca’s hands had slid up to Aubrey’s shoulders as her hips quickened, sharp and fast. It wouldn’t have surprised her in the least if it was simultaneous; she was more than half convinced she was already as connected to Staubrey as she was with Chloe, knowing what they needed before they even spoke.

Aubrey’s head dropped to Chloe’s shoulder, her left arm stretching across Chloe’s chest to clutch at her side as she cried out. Beca loved to see Aubrey like this, any of them really - body beginning to bead with sweat, muscles in sharp relief as she pushed back against Beca’s hips. Beca lowered her chest to Aubrey’s back, the soft skin almost too much against her hard and sensitive nipples, but it just made Beca press harder against her, arms wrapped around Aubrey’s chest and her hips speeding up until the room was filled with the sound of skin against skin.

A sound that was doubled as Stacie tightened her grip on the tops of Chloe’s thighs, the right still extended upward and the left resting across Stacie’s own, her hips almost a blur as Chloe writhed, gorgeous and straining, beneath them all. Chloe’s voice blended with Aubrey’s as they both cried out, panting, begging and pleading for more, harder, faster, right there, please god just don’t fucking stop.

As individuals blurred, they became one entity made of four moaning, desperate parts, the names of the other three dropping from their lips with increased need and desire.

Beca leaned back, pulling Aubrey upright with her as her hands slipped around Aubrey’s front, immediately covering and kneading her breasts. Half kneeling, Aubrey rocked against her, her back bowing as she pushed her chest into Beca’s hands.

“Beca, I…” Aubrey broke off with a moan as Beca’s fingers rolled over her nipples.

Beca slid her left hand down to Aubrey’s center, her hips speeding up. “I love you.” She meant all of them; knew they understood that, here in this room she and Chloe had declared was just as much Staubrey’s as it was theirs. Her fingers brushed Aubrey’s clit, swirling once, twice, Aubrey’s body jumping with each touch until finally Beca applied pressure and rotated her middle finger. Aubrey’s cry filled the room as she came, shuddering as Beca kept up her thrusts and the pressure, trying to keep Aubrey up for as long as possible.

Chloe’s voice suddenly rang out, her body rolling against Stacie’s hips and the thumb firmly planted between her legs. Beca felt herself shudder, Chloe’s cries mixing with Aubrey’s causing a second, smaller orgasm to rock her and she pressed deep within Aubrey, rubbing against the insert and half wishing Stacie had picked the harness that had the second shaft for the wearer.

Aubrey slowly lowered herself back down, resting her head on Chloe’s chest, both of them trying to catch their breath. Beca’s hands stroked Aubrey’s back and sides, hips still pressing as she stretched forward to run her hand down Chloe’s arm before reaching out to rest her fingertips against Stacie’s knee.  Stacie’s hips still moved, slower now, her own hands running over Chloe’s stomach and smoothing Aubrey’s hair back from her face. She leaned down, letting Chloe’s right leg finally drop to wrap around her waist and kissed Aubrey’s forehead, then leaned up to kiss Chloe on the lips.

“You’re all so… incredible.” Stacie sat up and leaned over to kiss Beca. “I swear every day just gets better.”

“I would agree, except my brain has dribbled out my ears.” Chloe said before she whimpered as Aubrey’s mouth closed over her nipple. “And I don’t think I’m getting it back any time soon.” She cradled Aubrey to her, eyes closed in bliss.

Reluctantly Beca eased back, pulling free from Aubrey and hearing the disappointed whimper as she did. “I’ll be back.” She ran her hand down the curve of Aubrey’s ass. “Just need to clean up a bit.” Stacie did the same and they watched with amusement as Chloe and Aubrey immediately wiggled together with contented sighs, their hands wandering even as their lips met. Beca slid off the bed and tugged Stacie’s hand. “Faster we clean these off the faster we can rejoin them.”

Stacie let herself be led into the bathroom where Beca turned and slid the harness from her hips, kneeling to let Stacie step out of it. Even as her hands freed the shaft so it could be washed, she leaned forward and licked through Stacie’s center, loving the way her hips twitched forward at the lightest touch.

“Don’t you start that in here...” Stacie laughed as she reached down and tugged Beca up by her shoulders.

“Sorry.” Beca said with complete insincerity. Stacie merely reached back and pinched her on the ass as she slid Beca’s underwear down her legs. “Just couldn’t help myself.”

“Mmhmm.” Stacie ran her hand up Beca’s inner thigh and smiled as Beca whimpered. “Oops.” She set both sets of underwear in the tub to be dealt with – or maybe used again – later.

Standing side by side, they cleaned the strap-on the other had used and Beca was struck again by how normal this all seemed. They’d literally just been making love to each other’s wife with the toys in their hands and none of it ever felt weird. They were all committed to this new four person relationship; even their use of the title ‘wife’ was more of an inside joke between them at this point. Not even the first time they’d crawled into bed had it ever been awkward.

It should have been, she knew that, had read enough stories on the internet, that couples just didn’t jump feet first into the deep end of polyamory without a bit of awkwardness… but they had. At least, as far as she knew the others hadn’t felt any twinge of strangeness, not once they were all on the same page and knew they were thinking the same thing. Beca knew even Aubrey’s reluctance had been because she wasn’t sure she was allowed, not because she didn’t want to. But once Beca had helped her past that, all hesitation had been gone and the four of them had just… loved. Without hesitation or reservation. From the first second Beca had reached out for Aubrey, while Chloe and Stacie watched them from the bed, it had never been about sex. It was about how those three women completed her in ways she didn’t understand until the last barrier was gone. And in ways she was still discovering.

Even now, standing naked beside Stacie and spreading a hand towel on the counter so their strap-ons could dry, she felt nothing but home and comfort. And, okay maybe still incredibly turned on and in need of having one of those used on her before too long, but they had time and she had someone else she had to take care of first.

She waited for Stacie to walk back into the bedroom first, enjoying the view as she followed behind. Stacie crawled back onto the bed, sliding behind Chloe and nuzzling into her shoulder. Chloe and Aubrey were still attached at the face, but Aubrey’s left hand slid from Chloe’s neck to the back of Stacie’s head and pulled her forward into what Beca knew was a messy, but hot as hell, three way kiss.

Licking her lips, Beca slid onto the bed and, when the three of them finally broke for air, pushed on Stacie’s hip.

“Whatcha doin, B?” Stacie looked over at her and let herself be guided onto her back. Chloe turned in the circle of Aubrey’s arms, their eyes avid and eager.

“Taking care of you.” Beca said as she stretched herself out between Stacie’s legs, her right hand going under and around Stacie’s thigh.

“You don’t hav-” Stacie’s voice broke off with a gasp as Beca didn’t even hesitate and slid her middle finger into Stacie’s core. Beca couldn’t help the moan when she felt how wet Stacie was and she pushed herself closer.

“I want to.” Beca said, unsurprised by the rasp in her voice. She began a slow thrust, curling as she withdrew. “I need to.” She added a second finger and Stacie pushed back against her, legs widening to give Beca room.

Even as Beca leaned forward, her mouth already anticipating how Stacie would feel against her tongue, Chloe had stretched herself along Stacie’s side. Stacie cried out as Chloe’s mouth descended on her left nipple, Chloe’s hand reaching across to roll the right one between her fingers. Aubrey had pushed herself tight to Chloe’s back, her own left hand caressing Stacie’s stomach before pressing against her lower abdomen.

All of them were flushed and absolutely beautiful and Beca felt like her heart would split with how much she felt for them. Somehow, each second of every day, she fell deeper in love.

Beca circled Stacie’s clit with her tongue, feeling each twitch beneath her as Stacie’s muscles squeezed her fingers. She briefly wondered if she should’ve brought one of the vibrators with them, but decided to save it for later – she couldn’t have stopped now if she tried. She looked up the line of Stacie’s body, past the hands and Chloe’s gently moving lips and met Stacie’s eyes, hooded and hungry. Stacie always made sure everyone was taken care of and now it was their turn to take care of her.

Beca wrapped her lips around Stacie’s clit and sucked firmly, using the grip she had on Stacie’s leg to try and hold her in place when her hips lifted from the bed. She kept her eyes on Stacie’s face, even when Stacie’s eyes closed, loving the way she bit her lip before her mouth went slack, panting for breath.

Beca added a third finger, searching for and finding that ridged spot inside. She rubbed lightly, keeping up the suction and Stacie’s eyes shot open again. “Jesus!” She closed her eyes briefly as she pushed against Beca. “God don’t stop…” Her body rolled and Beca increased the pressure of her fingers and sacrificed a bit of suction to run the tip of her tongue over Stacie’s clit. “Bec… a…” Stacie’s breath hitched and Beca knew she was close.

She began to flick her tongue rapidly, not stopping as Stacie’s body began to writhe, following every movement of her hips to keep her mouth exactly where it was. Beca began to thrust her hand in short strokes, keeping her middle finger rubbing back and forth in a way that had Stacie going stiff as her climax crashed through her.

Beca felt a hand, then two, run through her hair, cupping the back of her head and keeping her where she was, something she was more than happy to comply with. She kept her fingers circling, but used her mouth to nuzzle and lick from entrance to clit, though she avoided that bundle of nerves for the time being.

Turning her head, she licked Stacie’s thigh before gently biting down. After soothing the sting with her tongue, she began to suck lightly, increasing the pace of her thrust, feeling Stacie’s hips begin their roll again as Beca marked her claim on the woman arching under her. When she thought she had a lasting mark, she let Stacie’s thigh slip from her lips and kissed the darkening skin.

While she’d been busy, one of the hands had slipped from her head and was lazily stroking along Stacie’s folds, helping build her up. A quick glance upward revealed it was Aubrey, her eyes catching Beca’s with their fire. Splitting her attention between Aubrey’s avid gaze and Stacie’s face as she worked against them, Beca licked around Aubrey’s fingers as they circled Stacie’s clit. With the both of them working in tandem, it wasn’t long before Stacie came undone beneath them, collapsing to lay limp against the bed.

“You okay?” Chloe teased as she finally lifted her head, leaving Stacie’s nipple with a final kiss.

“Ngph.”

Aubrey laughed. “I think we broke her.”

Beca crawled up until her head was even with Chloe who lifted her lips for a kiss. “It’s only fair; you guys break me all the fucking time.” She shifted so that Stacie’s right leg fit between her own – unwilling to give up the feeling of Stacie under her but not wanting Stacie’s legs to get sore because Beca was lying between them.

“It is one of our favorite things.” Stacie said weakly.

“Mm.” Chloe hummed in agreement and pulled Beca’s hand to her chest, cuddling it even as she wiggled back into Aubrey’s embrace.

“Mine too.” Beca sighed as she rested her head on Stacie’s upper chest.

“Aca-perv.” Stacie ran her hand down Beca’s back. “And I love you for every single dirty thought you ever have.”

“You should, considering you’re one third of the reason I have them.” Beca felt Aubrey’s hand rest on her back and let her eyes close in contentment.

They cuddled in silence, hands lightly stroking wherever they felt like it, and Beca was reminded of her earlier thoughts. Even that first night, when Aubrey had shocked Beca into a full five minutes of staring at her, it wasn’t from being awkward; it was because Beca had been so turned on at the thought of Aubrey using the strap-on that it had short circuited her brain. It hadn’t been anything she’d thought of prior, but once it had been said, her mind had broken itself trying to picture it.

Prior to that moment, Beca and Chloe had used it once in a while, but afterward… Aubrey had taken to it like a duck to water and changed how all of them had viewed that particular accessory. They still thoroughly, and often, enjoyed each other without it but none of them would deny that they all really loved bringing them into bed. Or against the bed. Or in the shower… Beca shivered slightly and felt Stacie pull her closer.

“You okay, babe?”

“Yeah.” Beca burrowed into Stacie’s side. “I’m great.” She opened her eyes and met Chloe’s, seeing the same happiness she was feeling reflected back at her. They’d have been perfectly happy if this path hadn’t been taken, but both of them couldn’t deny that the other two made them better. Made them whole.

Her mind, already nostalgic, thought of their first time back in college. Beca had been so nervous prior, but once she’d made up her mind –okay, so when she realized that she loved Chloe and there was no reason to hold back anymore – all her nerves had faded away. The alcohol buzz she’d been feeling had faded by then and –

Beca’s mind suddenly jumped tangents and she spoke without thinking. “We’re all friends here, right?”

Stacie began to laugh. “I’m pretty sure I can still feel you inside me and we were just essentially balls deep in each other’s wife.” Even as Chloe laughed, Aubrey gasped in shock.

“Stacie!” Aubrey chided and Beca grinned when she saw that Aubrey’s face was a perfect mix of scandalized outrage and horrified amusement.

Stacie shrugged. “Sorry not sorry? Also, it’s not like I’m wrong.”

Aubrey began to laugh. “I love you.” She pushed against Chloe, who obligingly moved her head out of the way so they could kiss. When they finally broke apart, she looked at Beca. “I think that covers your question.”

Beca nodded. “Okay… so. I was thinking of how none of this feels awkward between us - and hasn’t. Ever.”

“That’s because you love us. And we love you.” Stacie kissed Beca’s forehead then Chloe’s. “Duh.”

“Right, but we didn’t know that at the time. It should have been weird.” She freed her hand from Chloe and held it up when Aubrey would have spoken. “Except even though we didn’t know… I think our hearts knew.”

“You are so fucking mushy sometimes.” Stacie stroked her fingertips down Beca’s back. “I love it.”

“Shh, that’s not the point.” Beca didn’t want to lose her thought before she got to her question. “And it made me think of our first time.” She cupped Chloe’s cheek. “And how once I decided to stop being a coward and take a leap of faith…”

“It wasn’t awkward at all.” Chloe finished, turning her head to place a kiss in Beca’s palm. “Not from the second you stepped into that shower. Nerves, sure but never awkward.”

“Exactly.” Beca smiled at her.

“What does this have to do with you making sure you can ask a question of us because we’re all friends?” Aubrey asked curiously.

“Okay – so. I know we’ve talked about out ‘first times’ long before we fell into bed together, and even more after because we’re all aca-pervs.” Stacie raised her hand in agreement, causing Aubrey to snort. “So we know all about the Lodge after Worlds, but… There’s one question I realized I never asked and haven’t thought about in a long time.”

“I can’t imagine anything we haven’t discussed yet, but…” Aubrey watched her narrowly. “What’s your question?”

Beca pushed up a little so she could look between them. “Did you guys hook up that drunken karaoke night too?”

“That’s the big question you’ve been holding on to?” Stacie began to laugh. “Beca, you’ve literally asked me what you taste like on Aubrey’s lips when I kiss her after she goes down on you.”

“You also just asked me if I ever touched myself while listening to Chloe have sex down the hall.��� Aubrey pointed out, though there was a faint flush to her cheeks.

Beca squirmed, sure she was instantly blushing all the way down her chest. “That’s the kind of stuff you ask in the moment and there’s nothing off limits then because… because of how turned on I am and how badly I want you three. Plus the four of us are involved at the time and sometimes other things, like prior couple things, are sacred.” She forced herself to stop speaking, sure she had another five minutes of babble in her.

“She’s got you there, guys.” Chloe said as Aubrey buried her face in Chloe’s neck with a giggle.

“No, she had us earlier.” Stacie pointed out and Beca poked her in the stomach.

“You guys don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to, I get it… I just…”

“Yes.” Aubrey interrupted Beca before she could ramble any further.

“You did?” Beca began to grin. “I knew I should’ve bet Chloe!”

“You had a bet?” Aubrey asked carefully.

Beca immediately stopped laughing and reached for Aubrey’s hand. “I swear we didn’t talk about it a lot.” She began to have flashbacks to that horrible moment after the semi-finals. “Just like, maybe two or three times my entire freshman year.”

“Hey.” Aubrey squeezed her fingers. “It’s okay.” She pulled Beca’s hand up and kissed her knuckles. “I know you didn’t.” She smiled and Beca felt her shoulders lose tension she didn’t know she had. “I was just curious what the details of your bet were.”

“I don’t think we ever got as far as making wagers. Beca was too eager to shovel French toast down her face.” Chloe winked at her.

“You called her Bree.” Beca looked down at Stacie. “When you came to get us that morning. I think it was the first time I heard you do that. So I wondered.” She looked up again. “You guys gave nothing away at breakfast though. I’m impressed.” She pursed her lips as that night came back to her. “Was it because Stacie told you what she was thinking of while she slept in your bed?”

Aubrey laughed. “No. Stacie was actually extremely sweet.”

“Babe.” Stacie sighed. “You’re going to ruin my reputation.”

“You’re telling me you didn’t masturbate in her bed?” Beca grinned.

“No.” Stacie said immediately. “That would’ve been just… not right.” Then she grinned slyly. “But I thought about it a lot so I went into the shower and did it there.”

Chloe laughed. “And I heard nothing?” She shook her head. “I think I’ll be retroactively sad about that.”

Aubrey rested her chin on Chloe’s arm. “Stacie actually offered to sleep in her roommates bed – or the floor if she came home unexpectedly – and I was still just drunk enough to tell her that was silly.” She sighed, though looked affectionately at Stacie. “And that was my downfall because I couldn’t keep my hands off her, even after I was sober.”

“I have the same problem,” Beca muttered ruefully. “But… You mean to tell me you had all this…” She waved her finger up and down Stacie’s body. “And then you went cold turkey? For three years?” She made sure to keep her tone light – she knew how Aubrey felt about pushing Stacie away. “You are either the strongest woman I know or the most stubborn.” She pretended to think about it for a few seconds. “Or both.”

“We both needed to age a bit more,” Stacie offered easily.

“Like fine wine?” Beca asked, tracing Aubrey’s lips with her thumb. “Seems accurate.” Stacie turned to face Chloe and Beca snuggled up behind her, already nuzzling into her neck before something struck her. “Chlo?” She looked over Stacie’s shoulder.

“Hm?” Chloe looked up from where she’d been about to kiss Stacie.

“You don’t seem very surprised by this revelation,” Beca noted.

Chloe bit her lip. “Uh…”

Beca pushed up on her elbow, laughing. “Oh my god, you totally knew all this time! And you didn’t tell me!”

Chloe at least looked sheepish. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think it was my story to tell – especially when things were just getting settled between us all.” She looked up, pleadingly. “And I didn’t know until after the ICCAs!”

“What?” Beca frowned. “What brought it up there?”

“I was the first one to wake up that day.” Chloe looked over her shoulder at Aubrey. “These two were-”

“Totally snuggling!” Beca snapped her fingers as the memory popped into her head. “I’d forgotten about that – plus I’d half convinced myself I’d dreamed getting up and all Aubrey’s ‘boundary pillows’ were on the floor.”

“It was cute – I woke Aubrey up, she was extremely reluctant to leave her Stacie-cocoon – until she realized where she was and who she was holding onto.” Chloe settled down between them. “I understand; I like this cocoon too.” Stacie poked her in the stomach and Chloe grinned. “But I was the good friend and didn’t say anything until we got back to Barden and I made Aubrey tell me everything.”

“She waited until the rest of you were back at the dorm and pounced on me.” Aubrey lamented. “We were lying on my bed, still kind of in shock at the trophy sitting on my desk, and she gave me a hug.”

“And refused to let go until she’d told me everything.” Chloe said in satisfaction. “Well, not everything – I let her keep the actual details of ‘the sex’, as Beca would call it,” Chloe grinned at her when Beca let out a wounded gasp. “Don’t even try; you say it all the time.” She kissed Stacie gently. “And that’s how I knew you were definitely worth Aubrey’s heart. Because you weren’t even hinting that you had something to kiss and tell about.”

“Nothing happened in the hotel, by the way.” Stacie offered and Beca felt the underlying deflection. “I was minding my own business, finally having fallen asleep after getting the image of you two fooling around out of my mind, and the next thing I know Aubrey had attached herself to my side in her sleep.” She reached up and brushed Aubrey’s cheek with her fingers. “I was petrified for a good five minutes, afraid to move and not sure if it was because I thought Aubrey would sleep grope me – she didn’t – or because I was afraid she’d move away.” She smiled softly. “Eventually though, I finally fell asleep.”

“And we didn’t talk about it for another three years.” Aubrey said, almost sadly.

“No, but that night gave me hope that there was something more to us, even if I didn’t know that’s what I wanted.” Stacie sighed. “I should have just sleep groped you.”

“Nah, you’re as much a gentleman as Beca.” Chloe leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “You guys worked out just the way you were supposed to.”

“I didn’t even know that Aubrey had told you until just before we proposed to each other,” Stacie said and turned to look up at Beca. “She never brought it up in all the times she tried to push us together.”

“Still wasn’t my place,” Chloe shrugged. “It just meant I was more frustrated when you guys were so obstinate. The very fact that neither of you discussed it was like neon signs spelling out ‘WE LIKE EACH OTHER.’ If it was bad one of you would’ve cracked much sooner.” She ran her finger down Stacie’s nose. “You always did protect Aubrey’s heart from the start.”

Stacie lifted one shoulder. “I knew from that night under the mistletoe something was different about her. The night she stayed over just confirmed it. She… you… made me feel something different than anyone else had before.” She cupped Aubrey’s cheek and Beca saw Aubrey’s lips tremble slightly. “You meant something to me. Before that night. I was just so certain I would never fall in love, I missed what was staring me in the face. With those big, gorgeous green eyes. So I kept it to myself and tried to put it out of my mind. Failed miserably.”

“Now who’s so fucking mushy?” Beca teased, running her nose along Stacie’s shoulder.

“I blame you.” Stacie reached back and patted Beca’s hip. “You’re contagious.”

“You say the sweetest things,” Beca linked their fingers together. “It’s almost like you love me-” Her phone suddenly rang from the other room.

“Ah shit. That’s the bosses tone. I’ve been expecting him to call all day.” She reluctantly slid to the edge of the bed. “I’ll be back.”

“Hurry, my ass is already cold.” Stacie called after her.

 ~A~

Aubrey laughed as Beca shot a middle finger over her shoulder just before she disappeared out the door. Beca’s voice came back a second later, full of confused laughter. “What the… Again?” The phone rang again. “Hold your tits, I’m coming!”

She felt herself drawn down into Stacie’s kiss, Chloe’s lips sliding against her throat from between them. Aubrey whimpered and shifted against Chloe’s ass, loving how well they fit together. She ran her hand down Chloe’s arm and over to Stacie’s hip, getting lost in the feel of them against her skin.

She didn’t know how long they spent that way until Beca came back, but suddenly there was a fourth body in the bed and her question pulled Aubrey back to the present.

“Whose bra is hanging from the newel post and whose is hanging from the chandelier and why are there two sets of clothes leading up the stairs?”

Aubrey bit her lip, remembering her frantic stripping the second she hit the stairs. “Um...”

“Actually,” Beca said when Aubrey trailed off. “I know Stacie’s bra is the one on the top newel post. Which means Aubrey is the one throwing her clothes in the air this time.”

She sniffed and lifted her chin. “It’s your own fault for getting me all worked up to the point where I couldn’t wait until I got in the room.”

“My fault?” Beca threw up her hands. “I think I was in the shower being ravished by Stacie.”

“Mmhm.” Aubrey licked her lips in the way she knew drove Beca crazy. “Chloe called me to let me listen in.”

“Dirty bird.” Stacie bit Chloe’s lower lip. “I love it.”

Chloe shrugged. “I figured she could use a little break at work. I didn’t expect her to just… suddenly be here.” She turned to look over her shoulder at Aubrey. “But I will never be opposed to Naked Aubrey magically appearing. I’d already had suddenly Naked Stacie show up in the doorway, so this was like a double treat day.”

“And this isn’t the first time you’ve had my clothes left on your stairs, so I don’t know why you’re surprised.” Stacie rolled over to look at Beca, one eyebrow arched in challenge.

“True.” Beca nodded.  

“What’d the boss want?” Chloe asked her.

“OH!” Beca bounced in place. “Okay. So, as you know, Emily recorded the song we’re using to showcase her writing ability to the boss.” They nodded, waiting with various degrees of impatience. “And you know that while she thinks I was just producing it for him, I actually treated it like a new single I wanted to release on the radio.” Aubrey made an impatient sound in her throat and Beca winced. “Sorry. I know you guys all told me you loved it but the boss finally listened to it this week. He told me he’d call me today with his thoughts.”

“Beca that’s awesome!” Stacie rolled to her back and held up her hand for a high five.

“Thanks!” Beca slapped their palms together. “He told me it was GREAT and that Emily’s got the internship!”

“That’s aca-mazing!” It was Aubrey’s turn to bounce. “When are you going to tell her?”

“Soon – I honestly thought he’d take longer and I’d be able to tell her on her birthday in Vegas, but there’s no way I can hold onto this for another two months.” Beca was practically vibrating in her excitement. “I’m so proud of her – I think he wants to put it on the radio next year – after some tweaks and stuff, but I really think Legacy could make it as a singer if she wanted.”

Chloe nodded. “She’s come such a long way from the ‘let’s not be dicks about it’ girl we met years ago. Seriously, can we take any credit for it?” She looked up when Beca remained silent and Aubrey noticed Beca was biting her lip. “What aren’t you saying?”

For the first time Beca was hesitant. “I don’t… I don’t really want to talk about it right now –” She held up her hand when Chloe started to speak. “Because this is something that we’re going to need to think about, all of us.” She looked at all of them one at a time and Aubrey couldn’t remember the last time Beca had looked so serious; though, in hindsight, it was probably the day they all committed to each other. “Before all… this…” she waved at all of them. “And the naked – I was going to ask Chloe if she thought Emily could move in with us. Since she’s basically got her own room here anyway.”

“That’s a great idea!” Chloe said immediately then paused as she realized what Beca was saying. “Oh.”

“Right.” Stacie was nodding. “All the naked that happens in the houses could present a problem.”

“It would definitely change the dynamics,” Aubrey mused. She still thought Emily knew there was more between the four of them than just friendship. “But we managed fine when she was here for those two weeks over the summer.”

“Sure, except the dozen or so times she almost walked in on one of us kissing someone who wasn’t our ‘official’ spouse because we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves.” Chloe grinned.

It had definitely been amusing at how many times they’d gotten carried away and almost caught. Not that they were ashamed, not in the least. But it was new and theirs and they wanted to keep it that way for at least a while longer.

“And it’s not just Chloe and I anymore, who get to have a say in this. It’s you guys too.” Beca chewed on her lip. “So just… we’ll just think about it for a while and then sit down and lay everything on the table.”

“You can’t say that, Beca.” Stacie said immediately.

“What? Why?” Beca looked bewildered.

“Because now I’m picturing you laying Chloe out on Bree’s table in her office.” Stacie said with a hint of a purr in her tone. “Or any of us with any of us. The possibilities are endless.”

“Well now I am too.” Aubrey said as she forced herself to push the thoughts away. “I think it’s still mostly your decision, because it’s your house – yes I know, we all have two homes – it means a lot that you’d consider our feelings in this. We’ll definitely give it some thought.” Aubrey grinned. “But seriously, she’s going to lose her mind when you tell her about the job.”

“Right?” Beca beamed and bounced in place again. “I’ll wait until we’re all able to be there for the next Skype date so we can take bets on if she faints.”

Aubrey reached over and slapped Beca’s knee. “Behave.”

“No, Beca’s right. There’s every chance Emily will get lightheaded and pass out.” Stacie said slowly. “I think you need to make sure that Katherine is there too. She’s going to lose her shit almost as much as Emily will.”

“Ooh!” Beca’s eyes went wide. “Good point! It’ll be awesome – but definitely for another day. But for now…” She turned around and plucked something off the bed behind her and placed it in her lap. “What’s this? It was sitting on the hall table.”

Aubrey winced at the sight of the plain brown bag. “Oops.” She’d forgotten she had that in her haste to get upstairs and undressed. ‘At least I didn’t throw that too.’

Beca looked down and back up. “I didn’t look in it.”

“Such restraint.” Aubrey smiled at her, knowing Beca was dying of curiosity. “You can, though.”

Beca immediately reached in and pulled out three small boxes and Aubrey heard Chloe’s breath catch.

“Bree?” She turned to look up at her. “Is that where you were?”

Aubrey nodded, and Stacie looked back at her. “I thought you were at work?”

“Well… I had intended to, but I decided to make a detour.” Aubrey chuckled slightly. “And then I just never went.”

“That’s how you got here so fast!” Chloe said, snapping her fingers. “I wondered how you got from the parking lot to here in less than half an hour.”

“Parking lot?” Beca asked, still looking down at the boxes in her hand. She finally looked up. “I guess I missed more than I thought.”

Chloe explained quickly. “When Stacie went to get you out of the shower, I texted Bree to see if she could talk on her headset. Because I thought she was at work and didn’t want to take the chance of anyone in the office overhearing you two moaning in the shower.”

“Their loss.” Stacie shrugged.

“Right, but while I was half describing what you guys were doing – stop looking so shocked Beca, you’d have wanted me to if things were reversed.”

Beca nodded. “Point taken. Continue.”

“I heard her go outside, but got distracted until she started cursing.” Chloe broke off and Aubrey knew there was no chance she wasn’t going to tell the rest of it when she started laughing. “Aubrey had been trying to get into a car that wasn’t hers. For three minutes.” She lowered her voice and whispered. “It was a Fiat.”

Stacie started to laugh and Aubrey tickled her side, making her laugh harder.

“You hate Fiats!” Beca crowed. “I think I’m flattered that you were so distracted you didn’t realize how ugly the car you were trying to get into was.”

Aubrey sighed. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“Nope.” Beca grinned in delight. “It’s teasing gold, Bree.”

“Be good or I won’t tell you what’s in the boxes.” Aubrey teased back, having no intention of following through but Beca stopped laughing immediately.

“I’m sorry.” She held them out. “I’ll be good.” Then she smirked. “For now.”

“Incorrigible.” Aubrey shook her head and sat up behind Chloe. “Thanks.” She took the boxes and set them beside her. “I kinda wanted to do this individually, but…” She broke off as Beca made to slide off the bed.

“We can leave you two alone.” Beca said immediately.

“Beca,” Aubrey laughed. “This is your bed.”

Chloe shook her head. “No, this is our bed and you know it. We don’t mind.”

Aubrey felt herself melt a little. It wasn’t the first time they’d said it and knowing they meant it with everything they were always meant the world to her. It proved that her impulsive shopping spree was exactly what she’d needed to do.

“No,” she said softly. “You guys can stay.”

“I’ve got an idea.” Beca scrambled up to the top of the bed and pulled back the covers. “We’ll just be in here till you’re ready for us to come out.” She slid under them and peeked back out at Chloe. “C’mon.” She ducked back down, giggling and Aubrey smiled as her heart swelled in her chest.

Chloe gave Aubrey one more considering glance and smiled, wide and breathtaking in its beauty. “I’ll be with her.” She slid out from between Aubrey and Stacie to follow Beca under the covers.

Stacie sat up and faced Aubrey, sitting cross legged, though she turned to look at the two giggling lumps that gradually became one as the giggles stopped and the sounds of kissing could be heard. “They… are… adorable.” She looked back at Aubrey. “Seriously, how can I love them even more just because they’re making out under their covers to give us privacy?”

Aubrey shook her head. “If you figure it out, please let me know.” She turned and mirrored Stacie so their knees touched. “Hi.”

“I love you.” Stacie said simply and Aubrey suddenly felt like crying at the pure love she felt emanating from her.

“Tu es le soleil dans mon ciel. Je t'aime.” She had to whisper it, afraid her voice would crack from the emotions that had suddenly risen up inside her in the space between heartbeats.

“Hey,” Stacie took her hands and squeezed them. “I’m here. It’s okay.”

Aubrey cleared her throat, half embarrassed. “This isn’t the way things were supposed to go.”

“I do tend to throw a wrench in the grand Posen plans.” Stacie said lightly. “It’s my overwhelming charm. Just ask your mom.”

“While I don’t think that’s exactly what she’d say, you do have that in spades.” Aubrey drew a centering breath. “I got a bonus a few weeks ago for bringing that contract in without too much haggling from their agent.”

“That new hip hop guy… what was his name?”

Aubrey felt her lip curl. “Pimp-Lo.”

“Oh god, that’s right.” Stacie groaned. “Why hasn’t anyone talked him out of that?”

“I’ve no idea, but I feel for Beca because she’s the one who has to work with him.” Aubrey shook her head. “Honestly, I have no idea how that’s going to go.”

“I’ll make the popcorn,” Stacie said then squeezed Aubrey’s hands again. “But that’s awesome, babe. Congrats on the score and the bonus!”

“Thanks.” Aubrey ran her thumbs over the back of Stacie’s hands. “I decided to do something I never really do and splurge a little. I special ordered some jewelry.” She bit her lip. “For the three of you.”

“Just us?” Stacie looked down at the boxes sitting on the bed. “So you left today to go pick them up?”

“Yes. I was going to go into the office to do some paperwork, so when I told you I had to go to work I wasn’t a complete liar.” Aubrey shrugged, feeling sheepish. It was important to her that Stacie didn’t think Aubrey would ever start lying to her, and she felt this was skirting a line she’d drawn herself.

“Bree.” Stacie tugged her forward and whispered against her lips. “I know you’d never.” She leaned that last bit of distance and covered Aubrey’s mouth with hers, a warm and constant pressure that soothed muscles she hadn’t even realized had tensed. When she pulled back, she wiggled in place. “What did you get me?”

Aubrey laughed at the eager look on her face and picked up the largest of the three boxes. “For you, my love.” She watched as Stacie gently took it from her hand and opened the lid.

“Oh, Aubrey.” Stacie said, her finger stroking along the bright metal. “It’s gorgeous.” She gently lifted the bracelet out and let the small sun charm hang freely from it. “Is that…” Stacie lifted the charm on her fingertip.

“You, my sun.” Aubrey took the bracelet from her and slipped it around her right wrist. “I wanted you to have something with you that would… remind you of that. That you’re the center of my universe.” She thought the platinum looked perfect against skin tanned from all the time spent around the pool. “And that I love you more than anything else in my life.” Stacie finally looked up at her and Aubrey was shocked to see the trail of two tears tracking down her face.

“You’re my only.” Stacie said, her voice hoarse as she rose up on her knees, pulling Aubrey with her. “I love you with every molecule of my being and nothing will ever change that.” She wrapped her arms around Aubrey, pulling her in tight. “I fall more in love with you every day and thank whatever in the universe that wove our threads together.” She kissed Aubrey, instantly slipping her tongue inside and deepening it until Aubrey had to pull away to gasp for air.

Aubrey rested her forehead against Stacie’s. “I’m glad you like it.” She reached up and wiped away the tracks on her cheeks. “Once I thought of it, I knew I had to do it.”

“I love it, Bree.” Stacie kissed her again, softer this time. “I love you.” They traded lazy kisses until reluctantly Stacie pulled back. “I could sit here all day and do this with you, but do you want to give them theirs today or…” She looked back at the still moving lump under the covers that they’d both forgotten about.

Aubrey let out a somewhat watery laugh. “I probably should, since they gave us privacy and all.”

“I think they forgot about us, honestly.” Stacie grinned. “Should I get them both or just send one out to you?”

“Chloe?” Aubrey said slowly. “How do you plan to…” She broke off when Stacie gave her one last deep kiss.

“I’ll go make out with Beca and send Chloe out.” Stacie turned and tapped the blanket over them, saying, “Knock knock.”

“Come on in, the waters fine.” Beca said after a minute and the audible sound of two tongues pulling away from each other.

“How about I trade you me, for Chloe?” Stacie said cheerfully. “Bree needs her.”

“Well, if Bree needs her…” Beca pushed the covers back and two pairs of blue eyes blinked at them. “I suppose that’s a fair trade.” She pushed Chloe’s hair away from her face and pulled her chin up from where she’d fastened her lips to Beca’s throat when she’d taken her mouth away. “Honey… wife swap!”

Aubrey could almost feel the eye roll Chloe must have given because Beca stuck her tongue out while Chloe slid out from under the covers. She watched affectionately as she pulled Stacie down into a kiss and then, with a pat on her ass, she sent her under the covers with Beca. Where the giggling resumed; it sounded like they were having a tickle fight underneath the covers and the thought made Aubrey grin.

“Seriously, it’s like they’re teenagers.” Chloe shook her head and settled down in front of Aubrey. “Hey.” She leaned forward and kissed Aubrey soundly on the lips. “Miss me?”

“Always.” Aubrey resumed her cross legged pose. “Did you hear any of that?” She looked back at the struggling lump which had suddenly gone still with an indrawn gasp and smiled again.

Chloe shook her head. “Nope, Beca’s really good at distracting people when she wants to be.”

“I’ll say,” Aubrey rolled her eyes before she explained the contract and the bonus. “So I ordered something for each of you as a…” She winced at how cliché it was. “As a token of my affection? That sounds queerballs.” Chloe grinned widely at her appropriation of Beca’s word; it was the same grin she got when Aubrey insulted her brothers by calling them dicklicks. “But I really wanted you to always have something that reminded you that I love you.”

“Aubrey.” Chloe put one hand over her heart and the other on Aubrey’s. “As long as these are beating, I will always have something that reminds me of that.” She slid her hand up to the back of Aubrey’s neck and pulled her forward even as she rocked up on her own knees. Their lips met in one of the softest kisses they had ever shared and Aubrey’s heart gave a painful double thump. In that one sentence, in this one kiss, Aubrey felt everything they had ever been to each other wash over her:

Suffering under Alice’s regime, almost like they were in a war for three years.

Sharing each other’s deepest secrets and fears in the middle of the night.

Chloe sticking by her through that last year when by all rights she should have left Captain Posen behind.

Aubrey could feel the love in that kiss, sense the depth of it and was shocked all over again at how it matched her own. Knew that it was mirrored in the two women in bed beside them.

‘How in the hell did I get so lucky?’

“Well,” Fighting back a new threat of tears, because Chloe’s words were extremely close to making Aubrey ugly cry, she picked up the box marked with a small ‘C’.” I definitely agree with that, but I got this anyway.”

Taking it, Chloe sat back and opened it with the same care that Stacie had. “Oh, Bree.” She picked up the necklace and let it hang from her fingers. The platinum star pendant caught the light as it twisted slowly in the air. “Will you put it on?” She held it out with fingers that trembled.

Aubrey took it and Chloe immediately spun around, moving her hair out of the way so Aubrey could drape it around her neck. It took several tries to get the clasp ��� her own fingers shook – but once it was secure, Chloe turned back around to face her. The chain was long enough that the pendant rested just below the hollow of her throat, looking like it had always been there.

“You’ve always been my guiding star, trying to keep me from losing my way.” Aubrey remembered the talk she’d had with Stacie as they tried to figure out this new dynamic between the four of them. “I know I’ve kind of talked about it, but I wanted you to have something tangible too.” She touched just beneath the pendant and let her hand drop to Chloe’s knee, just needing that extra bit of closeness.

Beca had given her the idea, with the pitch pipe for her birthday. Even though she said she hadn’t realized it at the time, it was entirely Beca’s way of saying that she loved Aubrey when she hadn’t found the words yet.

Chloe had literally stared Aubrey’s personal demon in the face and wrestled it to the ground to try and get through and save her from herself. Aubrey was better at explaining her emotions than she used to be, but this still felt too huge to encompass. She cherished Chloe’s fierce loyalty as much as she cherished her giant heart and this was the only way Aubrey knew how to express that right now.

“I love it.” Chloe covered it with her hand. “I will never take it off.” She twisted her lips. “Except maybe to shower.” Grinning, she quickly climbed onto Aubrey’s lap and straddled her. “Thank you, Bree. It’s gorgeous, just like you.”

Whatever answer Aubrey was going to give was lost as Chloe kissed her with every bit of passion that Aubrey knew rested in her heart. When they finally came up for air, all Aubrey could say was “You’re welcome.” But Chloe just smiled at her, fully aware of the things left unsaid: Thank you for always being by my side; thank you for not giving up on me; thank you for kicking my as when I needed it.

Thank you for loving me.

“I know, love.” Chloe kissed away her tears before they could even fall from her eyes. “No waterworks, you know Beca will panic and think she did something wrong.”

“You’re right.” Aubrey ran her hand through Chloe’s hair. “I love you.” She touched the star against Chloe’s chest.

“Love you too, Bree.” Chloe kissed her one last time. “I’ll get Beca.”

Aubrey watched as the process repeated itself and Beca scrambled out from under the covers, her face flushed. She pulled the covers up over Stacie and Chloe, patted their hips before sitting cross legged in front of Aubrey.

“So you got me a present?” Beca said without preamble.

“I did.” Aubrey picked up the box. “And as much as I would like to tease you about whether or not you deserve it…” She held it out. “This means too much to wait.” She was nervous; while she knew that Stacie and Chloe would understand what she was trying to say with these gifts, this level of relationship with Beca was new. It was no less precious and important, which is why Aubrey had gotten the gift, but she wanted to make sure Beca understood that. There was still room to make a mistake and Aubrey couldn’t stand the thought of hurting Beca ever again.

Beca picked up and opened the lid eagerly before she froze. “Aubrey?” She looked up, her eyes wide in shocked pleasure. “This is too much.”

“No it’s not.” Aubrey let her own happiness rise as Beca slowly lifted the ring from the box. The platinum band was etched with the different phases of the moon. It was another outcome from her talk with Stacie. “In college, you reminded me that I can change without losing who I am. Giving up control of the Bellas was not a failure – especially because I had already lost myself in Captain Posen. It took both you and Chloe to help me find my way back.”

The moon in the sky, despite its variations, was constant. Like Beca had been constant ever since they’d resolved their issues before the ICCAs. Constantly caring for Chloe and Stacie, or even Aubrey when she’d been in town to visit. Still always challenging Aubrey, yes, but in a way that made Aubrey better – re-examine her rules, be more and braver. After Worlds, Aubrey had made the fastest decision of her life without hesitation or regret. She’d agreed to move in with Stacie and across the country with Beca and Chloe. Beca’s presence in her life was comforting and safe, just like Stacie and Chloe. She needed this sometimes exasperating woman to keep her balanced and focused, or to laugh and let go.

Beca was tracing the platinum band with her fingertip. “I don’t even know what to say.” She looked up, her eyes soft. “I know you’ve said it before but to get a gift like this brings it home.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Beca.” Aubrey took the box and set it with the other empty ones. “You tell me every day what I mean to you. I just want you to have something from me, in return.” She needed Beca as much as the others and she needed Beca to know it. She took a breath. “You’re as precious to me as Chloe and as necessary as Stacie.”

Blinking back tears, Beca slid the ring onto her left thumb, which was where Aubrey had hoped she’d wear it. She’d stolen one of Beca’s other rings when she’d gone in to special order everything. “Thank you, Aubrey.” She had to clear her throat as her voice cracked. She turned her hand, eyes following the ring. “This must have cost so much… too much.”

“I’m pretty sure all three of these gifts combined didn’t cost as much as my birthday present.” Aubrey raised one eyebrow as Beca looked at her sheepishly. “Right, so I got a bonus for finalizing the contract with your new artist and decided to spend it on my girls.”

Beca made a face. “Can we not talk about him? I’m not looking forward to that after the first of the year.” She suddenly tugged Aubrey into her lap. “I’d rather make out with you as a thank you for this amazing gift.”

Aubrey simply tangled her fingers in Beca’s hair and pulled her down, letting Beca take control of the kiss the second their lips touched. Knowing that Beca was deeply touched by the sentiment resting around her thumb and knowing she was better at showing her feelings than she was speaking them. Beca kissed her tenderly, both hands cupping Aubrey’s cheeks as she moved to place soft kisses all around her face before dropping back to her lips. The kiss deepened, growing more needful until Beca pulled back, leaving Aubrey trying to chase after her, not ready to stop yet.

“Let’s join them under the covers? I feel the need to celebrate.”

“Deal!” Aubrey said, sliding off Beca’s lap and up to the head of the bed. She slid down under the covers and found herself wrapped in Stacie’s arms as soon as the other two realized they were no longer alone. Beca slid in on the other side and pulled Chloe close.

“I, for one,” Beca began as they all tangled together in a pile. “Suggest that we all thoroughly thank Aubrey for her incredibly thoughtful – almost made me cry – gifts.” Beca pulled her lower lip through her teeth and Aubrey felt herself shiver in response. “For the rest of the night.”

“Seconded.” Stacie said immediately.

“Oh yeah.” Chloe purred as she slid against Stacie’s side. “Great idea, Becs.”

Aubrey closed her eyes as three pairs of hands reached for her and pulled her into the middle where she was covered in kisses and stroking fingers that didn’t stop until exhaustion claimed them all.

 ~S~

Saturday, September 23rd

A few weeks later Stacie opened the front door to a quiet house as she sorted her mail. It was the Saturday after Beca’s birthday and they planned to go out with Jessica and Ashley later that night. Stacie had gone into work to check on some tests she was running and had expected to find the other three ready to go to lunch.

“Hello?” Stacie frowned at the envelope in her hand and tore it open. “This has got to be bullshit,” she muttered to herself as she looked up. “Anyone home?”

She saw Beca’s hand rise from in front of the sofa and assumed that, for some reason, she was sitting on the floor with her laptop instead of on the couch. As Stacie stepped around the side, she saw Beca on the floor, laptop sitting on the coffee table, as expected. Beca had already refocused on her work though she did give Stacie a distracted smile when she first came into view. She also saw why Beca was sitting on the floor.

Aubrey and Chloe were stretched out behind her, making out like a couple of horny teenagers.

Chloe was on her back, her shirt unbuttoned and Aubrey’s hand had pushed up under one of the cups of her bra and it looked like her fingers were busy kneading and rolling. Their legs were tangled as they moved against each other, completely oblivious to her arrival and Stacie didn’t know if she wanted to burst out laughing or rip off all her clothes.

‘Both.’ She decided as she toed off her shoes. She couldn’t help but chuckle as Aubrey leaned to the side and tilted Beca’s head back; Beca, for her part, immediately turned her head and upper body so Aubrey could kiss her before breaking off and latching onto Beca’s throat. Stacie could see several marks already darkening her neck in various places and wondered just how long they’d been at this.

Tossing the mail down on the table, Stacie slid her jeans off her hips, the soft thud bringing three pairs of eyes around to her where they fastened in various degrees of hunger. She paused and finally asked, “I know it’s noon thirsty and all, but what if Jessley had been the ones to walk in the door?

Aubrey shrugged from her position on top of Chloe. “I knew they were working today.”

“But if they were off early, then Bree is just giving me a massage.” Chloe offered, running her hand down Aubrey’s side.

Beca turned and looked at them. “From the front? With her tongue? While lying on you?”

“I’m a really dedicated friend,” Aubrey answered sincerely and without hesitation. “I believe in doing a job right and meticulously.”

“I really do love that about you,” Chloe sighed happily as Aubrey’s hand still moved under her bra.

Stacie laughed and pulled her shirt over her head.

“What’s bullshit?” Beca asked suddenly.

Confused, Stacie looked up before she remembered her earlier comment. “Oh. The DMV sent Aubrey a speeding ticket.” Stacie stopped undressing when Aubrey looked up at her. “They said you were doing 55 in a 30 zone.”

“What?!” Outraged, she pulled her hand from under Chloe’s bra and held it out until Beca gave her the ticket lying on top of the rest of the mail. Stacie watched her skim it quickly then pause, her eyes going distant as she thought. “Oh.” She began to laugh. “Yeah we’re going to have to pay this.”

Stacie sat down on the table, wincing as the cool wood touched her skin. “You never speed, Aubrey. I refuse to believe you’re calm right now.”

“That was three weeks ago.” Aubrey said, her lips pursed.

“And?” Beca turned around, looking as confused as Stacie felt.

“That’s the day that Chloe called me while you guys were in the shower.” Aubrey said as she lay down between Chloe and the back of the couch. “I blew past one of those speed vans and didn’t realize it until after it took the picture.” She handed the ticket back to Beca who read through it.

“That’s why you got home so fast!” Chloe started to laugh. “I’d honestly decided you just teleported yourself home.”

Stacie grinned. “Then Beca has to pay for half of it.”

Beca looked at her as she set the ticket down on the table. “Will you accept service in trade?”

“Yes.” Aubrey said immediately and only batted her eyes in a close imitation of Chloe when Stacie looked at her.

“Oh – wait.” Beca turned until she was on her knees facing the couch. “You said it took a picture? Were you in your car? Are we going to have a cop show up at the door because you accidentally got into a Fiat one day?”

Aubrey groaned and buried her face in Beca’s shoulder. “I will murder you, you know this.”

“You can’t live without me.” Beca sang at her.

Stacie carefully bit back her laugh. Ever since that day, any time they were out and about, Beca would point out every single Fiat and say, “Look Aubrey, it’s your car” and cackle like she’d just said the funniest thing in the world.

“Guys?” They all looked up at her. “As the bruise on Chloe’s ass two weeks ago will prove, these couches aren’t big enough for all four of us. Before I get completely naked, what say we pile upstairs into our tiny king sized bed and continue this discussion somewhere more comfortable?” She immediately contradicted herself by taking off her bra and dropping it with the rest of her clothes.

Stacie turned and walked toward the stairs, a lot more sway in her hips than necessary and stopped at the bottom step. She put her hands on her hips and slid her underwear down, bending all the way over as she removed one leg and then the other, feeling three pairs of eyes watching her.

She turned and tossed her underwear at the pile, completely unsurprised that it landed neatly on her bra. “Nowish?”

Aubrey tried to push herself off the couch but ran into Beca, both of them falling to the floor in a tangle of limbs and curses. Chloe, somehow, avoided them both and was heading for the stairs, already stripping.

“You, Conrad, are terrible. You know what that does to them.”

Taking a step backward up the stairs, Stacie grinned. “Yeah, but it’s so much fun when they make me pay for it.” She turned and ran up the stairs, hearing Chloe follow her and, further back, two more pairs of feet began to give chase.

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[qualitypizzapatrol-blog]

Hi. This is my first attempt of writing a blog. Dont expect it to be intresting ; my english is flawed and my style fruitlessy pompous . Now that you perfectly know what you are going through Ill start by saying who the writer is. ( i sometime talk about me in third person, that s unbearable i know ).  Im an italian “soon to be in october” licensed doctor , so now you can understand my profile picture. Im italian but I ve always felt out of place in my country. For this reason I’ve always travelled a lot ( now I m in Tokyo ) and I’ve always wanted to evade from my country once I could. All this boring and useless introuction bring us to the reason why Im writing this blog. This is the most clichè and ordinary and shallow reason you could think of ( almost as much as my profile pic); did u get it ? Well, let s say I m just getting through a very hard time, let s say that all my certainties just broke like my chocolate bars when it’s winter and outside it s snowing, let s say I dont know what to do anymore with my life. As I anticipated I dont give a fuck about who is gonna read this, I dont even know if someone is gonna do that, but I dont care, this blog’s reason for exsistance is being usefull for my self. If you r gonna follow it s tangle tales and like them it s just on you, I can just promise you this blog it ‘s gonna be utterly true and it s gonna bring you through my senseless adventures in the wild and savage world of my life . Ill get better with writing , I promise that, Im just not use to write something different than scientific articles where sentences normally are made of 4 words. Another last thing before starting... I may get sometimes a bit nostalgic and cheesy and writing like a bad imitation of those quotes u can find in those walnut chocolate sweets called “baci perugina”, well fuck off, Im like that, I’ve always been and Ill always be; get over it.  Today Im in Tokyo and Im gonna stay here till the end of the month. Im doing an observership in Orthopaedic surgery at Juntendo University ; boring. I m just hating this city, maybe it s because of my mood, maybe it s because of the weather here ( hot and cloudy and humid night and day) , maybe is cuz everyone here looks soaked with ambiguity, mybe cuz they make so much noise when sipping noodles, maybe cuz Im tired of people saying “sorry” to you every five minutes after they hurt you, maybe is cuz I live in a super expensive room of 7squared meters and I sleep on the floor on a fuckin Futon. I dont know... next future? I dont know anymore. I had so many plans, but they just fell like my toast normally falls in the morning ; always on the wrong side ofc. While Im writing we just had an earthquake, It s like this everyday here, inside and outside... By the way, i dont have plans anymore. How shitty is when you pass from seing your life in the next 5 years soaked with love, beauty and fun to ... zero...to just void....empty space...white depressing board. Well, next month Im gonna be in the USA making another rotation in surgery and after that the only thing i can portrait is my graduation in October. After that ZERO. Maybe London ( even if I dont know if I can handle it) or Ill just run away to the USA trying to put an ocean between the source of my pain and me. The second hypotesis is the rational one, but even my brain cant accept it,and Im a super hot rational boy ( one of those that are pretty but boring as fuck).  Dont know. It s so frustrating.  Do you know rothko? Well, someone recently made me discover it. I feel like i felt when watching some of his painting for a couple of minutes... sucked....just sucked into them, with no escape way, no time to think about an escape plan. You are just moved by events you couldnt avoid or even prevent, you are just in the stream and you cant escape that. Fuck the stream, the stream is an evil bitch. Im really done for today, and Im perfectly conscious Im talking to a crowded dashboard of non exsisting people, but I ve done worse in the secret of my tiny room. Tomorrow Im gonna writing something more intresting and less depressing, or maybe not . 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #60

“everything i touch turns to stone, so wrap your arms around me and leave me on my own.”

how're you feeling today?   okay.  i guess.  still plenty of time for the day to be ruined.  i just woke up a few minutes ago.  thank god i managed to sleep kinda easily last night, despite what was going on.  guess i was just that tired. have you ever lost a close friend?   yeah, i have, but not to death. what’s your sister(s) names?   katie, misty, ashley, nicole, and tiffany if you want to count her. when was the last time you cried?   last night. what is your favorite song?   first let it be clear that i have LOTS.  but i'm actually going to make an effort to list some here.  again, this certainly isn't all, but some include "hurt" by johnny cash, "here to stay" by korn, "nebel" by rammstein, "perfectly flawed" by otep, "lost it all" by black veil brides, and just... yeah, LOTS more. how do you wear your makeup?   i will once in a blue moon wear foundation, but usually not.  i'll always put on eyeliner and mascara, usually lipstick, then sometimes eye shadow, depending on whether or not i feel like taking it off later or not. do you have a job?   no, but my mom and i are going to drive around animal shelters today to see about volunteering.  since i quit school, i don't know about you, but i can't tolerate myself to sit at home with zero responsibilities.  i have to do something. do you work out every week?   no.  funny how i used to do it everyday. what kind of bathing suit do you wear?   i don't know what it's technically called, it's just a normal bathing suit that covers the belly and such? do you think you are pretty?   i honestly think i would be if i wasn't my size. what’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?   the cutest?  probably that time i was lying in bed and i couldn't sleep, so i was iming jason on facebook and jokingly demanded him to sing to me, because i mean, obviously he couldn't really.  he ended up posting the lyrics/sending me a video to "the mortician's daughter" by black veil brides.  i smiled so big listening to that song; i ended up listening to it all night.  if you ask me, i'll always tell you that was "our song," and it fits us now more than ever.  i usually can't listen to it, but it's so dear to my heart that i sometimes fight the triggering and just listen to it regardless and remember what we had.  i've also decided that regardless of whether or not we get back together, i'm getting "i love you more than i can ever scream" (or possibly another lyric) tattooed somewhere on me, probably in a quote bubble or something.  i don't give half a shit if i ever end up with someone else, i will always love him and that song, and i dare my potential significant other to complain.  but hey, regardless of your musical taste, you should really listen to it, it's beautiful. do you consider dogs inside or outside pets?   both.  i don't believe in leaving them outside all alone forever, and i don't believe in cooping them up inside where their energy gets to be too much. do you read books for pleasure?   not so much anymore, really.  i just kinda... stopped one day.  i really think it's because of my hospitalization; i read like crazy to pass the time every time i was in the hospital, and i guess i just associate it.  it's a shame though, i used to love reading... wood floors or carpet?   in general, i prefer wood floors.  i love it when they look all glossy and they're easier to clean, i think. a teacher says she’s noticed you’ve looked sad, do you confide in her?   i probably would.  when people actually show interest in my wellbeing, i usually open up decently. if someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it?   if mom let me, yeah.  i go on and off between wanting my own kitten, so. are easter baskets only for kids?   absolutely not! do you like to daydream about sex?   i'll admit i've done it before, but i wouldn't say i "like" it. which of your parents do you laugh more with?   my dad have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral?   yes, for my former babysitter miss janet. after a date, do you call your friend to tell them how it went?   lmao i probably would, honestly. do you like romantic gestures or do they make you feel awkward?   FUCKING YES I LOVE ROMANTIC PEOPLE. have you/do you plan to go to college?   well, i just dropped out of college yesterday due to my deteriorating mental health, so... do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings?   omg, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!  especially irl, i am TERRIBLE.  like i am a highly figurative thinking and think of everything in kinda inexplainable ways, to where no words seem to fit.  i will struggle so much in a conversation to get out words exactly how i mean them, which is why i prefer to write, because i can think longer about what i'm saying. do you think all porn stars are whores?   i'm sorry to offend, but uh, yeah??  a whore is a prostitute, and a prostitute is someone who engages in sexual acts for monetary gain.  it's kinda... obvious...? would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now?   despite that only being two years younger, probs not.  i want someone older than me in hopes they'd be more mature.  sure, an 18-year-old could be perfectly mature, but i just believe the odds are better with someone slightly older. are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions?   both really. be honest: are you clingy?   quite a bit. do you like to wear makeup?   i do.  it makes me feel prettier.  i just don't usually put it on. how old is the oldest person you’ve kissed?   he's 23. are you bipolar?   according to psychiatrists, yes.  but honestly, i don't really know for certain, considering i always feel an underlying depression?  like i'm aware one kind of bipolarity is more manic, the other more subtle, but i still don't know if i have it. have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BOI do you believe the last person you kissed still cares about you?   do i hope?  yeah.  do i believe he does?  no. do you like to cuddle?   if you're jason, yeah.  it's so funny.  i didn't even like hugs when we started dating, but he got me to wear i absolutely loved cuddling with him and i now love hugs. when you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over?   YUP.  if i really like it, anyway. do you prefer being called your actual name or a nick name?   brittany or just "britt" is fine. do you ever want to get married?   i do.  i'm christian, and marriage is perhaps the most beautiful thing in our faith.  i don't want children until i'm legally bound too, and i do want kids.  and i mean... i guess i'm still trying to be abstinent, so. are you wearing a necklace?   no.  i rarely wear necklaces. have your parents ever caught you drinking?   no.  i've never been drinking when i wasn't supposed to. ever been kissed under fireworks?   i have not. have you ever held hands with someone in a car?   jason usually let me hold his hand while he was driving, yeah. do you like the town you are living in?   *cackles maniacally* how did you get one of your scars?   from scratching my leg obsessively. would you ever get a tattoo/belly ring?   tattoos, fuck yeah, belly button piercing, only if i got much smaller.  i don't like how they look on people my size. have you ever hated a teacher?   no.  i've honestly never had a bad teacher because i actually knew how to behave. when is your birthday?   february 5th!!  coming up!! c: are you afraid of roller coasters?   YUP.  i'm terrified of throwing up. how often do you think about death, suicide or running away?   death/suicide, multiple times a week.  running away, never. have you ever had stitches? where?   in my chin, yes. do you enjoy chicken noodle soup?   nope. have you ever been on omegle?   no, because i'm honestly not fond of seeing random dicks. do/did you enjoy it when your school would have pep rallys?   NO.  i hated them so much that i always stayed in class with the teacher. have you ever been caught cheating on a test?   no, because i don't cheat on tests. do alligators scare you?   nah.  i mean if one was coming after me i'd obviously be fearful nor would i approach one, but in general, they don't scare me.  i rather think they're very cool.. are your parents proud of you?   i'm sure they're not.  i've done nothing to warrant pride. do you play just dance on the wii?   not anymore, but i would once in a while back when.  once, during my little sister's birthday, jason and i danced to a kiss song... and he beat me.  i'm still salty af. what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. did you ever want a pet rabbit?   not adamantly.  my sister had one once and she was veeeery messy. ashley didn't know the rabbit had died for a week. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you?   colleen if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them?   ... i'd be a bad person to talk to about suicide.  nevertheless, i'd speak to them pretty wishfully, to be honest.  ex. "everything eventually gets better," bullshit like that that doesn't happen for everyone. have you ever felt so depressed that you were struggling to carry on?   oh, you mean the daily struggle? have you ever worn colored mascara?   no... but that'd be cool depending on what i was wearing! before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace?   myspace, yes.  i remember mine was entirely dedicated to meerkats lmao. has anyone ever asked you out and you turned them down?   yes. are you a secretive person?   online, not really.  real life, yeah. if you were going to buy a present for the person you love, what would you generally choose?   something oriented around "magic: the gathering."  or something with cthulu. ever gave a really long apology?   i have. have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?   i have.  call it crazy, but you ain't experienced heartbreak until you've felt it. where would you like to go on your honeymoon?   it'd be quite ideal if i could go to south africa for that so i could fulfill my dream of photographing the kmp meerkats, but i don't know how romantic that would be.  i'd want my future spouse's opinion here. would you ever cut all your hair off to raise money for charity?   all my hair?  no, honestly. do you eat the slice of lemons you get in drinks?   NONONONONO.  i will never forget that gmm episode where they talked about surprisingly filthy things and the lemons were one of them due to having relatively common contact with fecal bacteria from employees not washing their hands. do you like family get-togethers?   my family doesn't really have those because most of my family isn't in nc.  on the rare occasion some of the family's together, generally, no, i don't really enjoy them because half the family has shit to say about me. where does your (favorite) pet sleep at night?   in my old room.  i'd love for him to sleep with me, but he's old and has accidents. how many pillows do you actually use while sleeping (not just on your bed)?   three. do you prefer using regular or mechanical pencils?   mechanical. who in your family has the longest hair? how long is yours?   nicole or ashley, pretty sure nicole tho.  mine is mid-way between my shoulders and breasts. what do you hear now?   "fuck away the pain" by divide the day.  i really don't know why, but this song helps me feel better about shit sometimes...? what are all the areas of your body that you shave?   underarms, legs, trim a "certain area" when you go on webcam, who do you chat with the most? do you use any specific sites or programs?   i never use my webcam what books (if any) have you read more than once?   "because of winn-dixie" i read twice, and "meerkat manor: flower of the kalahari" i've probably read over 10 times lmao.  i skipped over clutton-brock's tangents in the later re-reads, though. what is your favorite card game?   "magic: the gathering" i assume.  i'm not big into card games. what is your most expensive piece of jewelry? if it was a gift, who got it for you?   that's a very good question.  i honestly couldn't tell you. what is your favorite video game to play by yourself?   i love replaying "silent hill 2" and experiencing it again, but the feeling will never be as raw as the first time.  i have to be in the "right" mood to play it though, or else it will REALLY depress me. you have to get a piercing, what do you get?   i want a vertical labret for my lip again. what are you wearing?   plaid pajama pants, cheshire cat tank top do you like the ocean?   i do, but it also scares me.  A LOT. would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?   honestly, i sleep better alone, but i'd prefer to be with someone. do you wear glasses?   always, unless i feel like taking a picture without them for whatever reason. do you wear contacts?   no, but i did years ago.  i was just bad with taking them in and out, so i got glasses instead. have you ever loved someone, but broke their heart?   i couldn't tell you.  he sure as fuck never acted like it.  despite being together for 3 1/2 years. have you had a bf/gf that you never kissed?   if you want to count my first two boyfriends, yeah, i never kissed either of 'em. would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate?   no.  one of us would die that day. has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked?   it's happened before and i'm just like... why???  you're not the one dating him stfu. have you ever stayed up late talking to a bf/gf on the phone or online?   plenty of times. do you have any handshakes with anybody?   nah. what has been the stupidest reason someone has broken up with you?   i've only been broken up with once, and he might as well have said, "i'm sorry you're too sick for me after all this time so i'mma leave you to die peace bye" who do you care about more, your significant other or your best friend(s)?   i don't have a significant other, so i'm just going to say crush instead.  and honestly?  i care about him more, sorry. do you have any pictures of yourself with a bf/gf?   i still have every picture i've ever taken with jason.  hell, i still have our facebook album of pictures because i refuse to delete it. is there anyone you don’t like that always seems to be everywhere you are?   no. who in your life is your number one priority to make sure they’re happy?   i would say jason, but he's not really "in my life," so i don't... really know...?  i mean i guess colleen.  though i'm aware it should be me.  i just can't manage to care for myself like that. do you like making lists?   i'm neutral, honestly. do you play sports with your siblings?   nope. what color or design does your shower curtain have?   it's actually entirely blank. does it bother you when animals lick themselves?   no, they're just cleaning themselves.  my mom though, she cannot STAND the sound.  she'll yell at any of the dogs if they're doing it. could you ever give yourself a shot?   probs. do you wear a bra 24/7?   i only ever wear a bra if i'm going somewhere.  gotta let the ladies be free fam. have you ever worked as a cashier?   yes, and FUCK THAT a million ways over. do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog, and it's pretty much identical, just the shoes are different. what ethnicity is the last person you talked to?   white do you have any interests in psychology?   i find it extremely interesting, but i have no desire to learn more about it.  the brain is too dangerous. would you go out with someone right now if they asked?   only if you were jason. have you ever met anyone who claimed to be a witch?   i have indeed.  very close online friend. have you ever been to michigan?   when i was a baby, yes. would you ever tattoo a lover’s name onto your body?   never in a million years.  i'd get matching tattoo or a couple tat, but NEVER his name. do you know anyone with asthma?   my mother and grandma. are you going to force your kids to be in activity or let them choose?   i would never force my child to do something they didn't want to do. do you watch toddlers and tiaras?   omg no, fuck that show and its concept.  i do not, even mildly, agree with pitting your child against another to decide who's more "beautiful."  jesus christ, do you WANT your child to grow up insecure as shit?  i personally know a number of children who have been in pageants, and guess what, they're snobby, materialistic little... ugh.  even if my child asked, i wouldn't allow them to be in a pageant.  just no. what was the last band t-shirt you bought?   good question. if someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say?   hell no, son.  i'm 1.) not patriotic enough and 2.) i'm a pacifist and 3.) i just have no desire. are you passionate?   holy fuck yes.  i honestly think it's my favorite trait about me personally. do you own an old vintage typewriter?   we did at one point, no idea where it went... do you hate how dogs bark every time someone comes to your house?   oh my GOD you ought to hear how our dogs are when someone comes home. have you ever been to sea world?   i have as a child; i still remember being splashed all to hell by shamu or whatever the whale's name was there.  now as an adult, i don't know if i'd go again... due to obvious controversy.  i don't know how i feel about it, honestly.  like i do believe it's very important for us to learn about animals, but to put a huge whale on display for our entertainment?  i dunno, man. do you know someone who suffers from short term memory loss?   it's very well possible i do.  i forget shit WAY too easily. are you a protective person?   oh boy, can i be.  i'm the type that would kill for those who deserve my protection. have you ever experienced an earthquake?   no.  i was two-three hours away when a very, very minor earthquake struck the east coast, though.  mom felt it at home. does your house have a dishwasher?   we do. do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo?   probably, idk. could you say something good about the last person you kissed?   he's very realistic. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?   mike's hard and smirnoff what languages can you count to ten or higher in?   english, german, spanish do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people?   depends on the person. do you believe that the world will actually end?   i'm certain it will eventually. are you socially awkward?   always. are you satisfied with your gender?   i am, but even if i wasn't, what would i do about it? are you good at admitting your problems?   probably too good. who is your family doctor?   dr. emanuel has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   yep.  most recently when it seemed colleen's pastor thought we were a lesbian couple lmao do you ever floss?   i confess, no. are you an impatient person?   OH LORD YEAH are you a supporter of the war?   fuck no. has your cell phone ever rung in class?   no. speaking of which, what kind of phone do you have?   samsung galaxy do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   i'm perfectly aware i'm not as fortunate as most.  face it, not everyone is blessed equally. are you a paranoid person?   very. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies would you consider yourself a clean person?   for the most part, yeah.  i don't like feeling dirty. do you have a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder?   not so much anymore.  i used to have repetitive thought cycles BADLY, but thank god i fought so hard to overcome that. how many trees surround your individual house?   loads.  we live in the woods. is halloween simply the greatest holiday ever?   if you can actually get into the spirit, absolutely.  haven't felt it for a long time, though... is pantera one of your favorite bands?   definitely not a fave, but i like some songs by them.  especially "walk." what color car would you definitely not want to own?   white.  gets dirty too easily. are you picky when it comes to music?   very much so. what's something you disagree with about the way you were raised?   my mom spanked us. has the opposite sex ever written you a poem?   yes, but i'm very suspicious it wasn't just for me.  juan was well-known to be a player.  he probably gave it to other girls. have you ever been a featured member on any website?   i have. who’s the last person you had a sleepover with?   chelsea

[doperotten]

9:19am wed jan 8th 2020

I'm getting sick again. I have to stop like yesterday. I barely got any sleep last night. every time we fight I relapse. and for the sake of us I have kept my mouth shut. so ive been using ever since. honestly, behind the I love yous, im heartbroken. im tired of feeling like I owe you something because you helped me get clean, and you were with it by any means necessary. we had talks that clearly ment nothing because everything you said you never stood by. I had a conversation with you about the potential of racist comments, you being with a white girl with a white family. because this is not my first interracial relationship. ive had to deal with it and so has my ex. so being aware that this is a real thing we had our conversation and you did the complete opposite. and my brother did not come off to you rude at first, he came to you like a big brother telling you to take care of his sister. you flipped it and that's when he called you ghetto and you acted just in that way. so who are you really mad at? you say fucked up comments everytime he is mentioned and im not ok with that. we had conversation of wat to expect being with me, wat could happen and wat I felt like was ganna happen. and just that happened. you were ok with it till it did. you blame me for how your life turned out but you were aware. I spoke to you on all my concerns. and you spoke on nothing. my dad doesn't like you because you asked him for money before you had any real conversation with him. with the excuse of “your daughters in jail, you cant give me money to help her?” but his money wasn't helping me. my mom gave you hundreds of dollars and none of it benefitted me. when I was getting ready to get out, you booked an air bnb for just yourself for a couple days and had it end the day I was getting out. with my moms money. you blame me for everything but you did nothing to help yourself and used the excuse of me being in jail as the reason you did nothing. you worked two days a week, drove my car everywhere, used my phone, took money from my mother, and I could go on. you didn't get a home, when all you needed to do was find one. and again used me as the excuse. when I did wat I felt I had to do for myself you were mad at me. im never allowed to feel some type of way towards you without being a bitch. having your friend in your ear telling you how mean I am to you but he had no idea the underlying issues. I beg you all the time to tell me wat you want from me to benefit our relationship and you give me nothing. but get mad at me for everything. you get mad at me because I don't wanna have sex with you hardly ever. you ever wonder why that is?... im sure you do., I would love to know wat you tell yourself, because your approach never changes. these are all things I saw back then that I hated and was why I never persued you. I just trusted your word hoping your actions would change. I remember you trying to fuck me at my house. I remember you picking me up and moving me and trying to put me on your lap. and everytime I wasn't with it. and you tried to say like “ I knew you weren't hat typa girl that's why I didn't try to do this or that”. but you did try to do this or that. I don't want to just fuck and watch you play video games inside all day. yes I love you. but ultimately wat does love have to do with anything. I want adventure, I want understanding. I want to feel like my feeling matter. I hate that you can never keep your word. you bring up thee dumbest shit like me falling asleep when I got to Georgia, you were mad at me because you didn't get any pussy. im not an idiot. I read people very, no extremely well, and your one of the easiest to read for me. you take zero responsibility for your actions and flip it on me. every.single.time. like the next day, I was supposed to leave and you begged me to stay , I said only if you tell corn the truth as to why im staying. you promised me and then right in front of me, he called and said how he didn't want me there and you blamed me. then got upset cause you got no pussy again. and got mad at me because I felt betrayed. im never allowed to feel my feelings. my moms mad at you because new years. you posted that bullshit shit to try to act like I lucked out. like your a catch. but your not tbh. posted about how if you found her in the streets shell always belong to the streets. im a street bitch but that's not my persona or home. you, that is your persona and home. but I wouldn't say that about you. my parents don't like you because you don't benefit me. I benefit you. and that's not fair. you get mad that im old fashioned, but your the man, act like one. I cant and I refuse to show you how to be one. your childish as fuck and its time to grow up. both of my parents said to me how its fucked up you took my dog, and that's was without me stating my opinion on it. I give you money all the time and so has my mother, but you fronted me a .5 and bitched about it for days. nothing I do for you goes appreciated. all because you took me to Georgia with you. when your the one who asked me, and to this day you try to flip it like I was the one who asked. I could go on and on about how hurt I am by you... but all in all, you do nothing to benefit me except give me a false security because im lonely. I need your presence. but in reality, I really just need anyones. because I feel lonely. but I cant talk to you about my feelings, I cant rely on you to keep your word, I cant physically come to you when I feel lost, I really cant count on you for anything except to love me, and that you do for you anyway. ya im happy when were together, but really im happy when im with anyone cause im not alone. thank yiu for helping me get clean, I guess, cause I did that on my own, you didn't try to take control of the situation when we got to Georgia. like when I snuck off in the morning, you didn't try to hide my keys or anything, you were just annoyed that you had to take care of someone other than yourself. you left me by myself in the middle of nowhere high as fuck resulting in me getting arrested again. but when I got outta jail you tried to take my keys and treated me like shit because I got arrested and your feelings were hurt. its not that I don't appreciate you, I feel like my actions have showed that I do. I just want to feel appreciated back. and I feel myself starting to pull away from you.. I told you when I got out, don't lose me, because ill let you.not because I want to, because I have too... I don't know wat will make you realize, but ive tried and now, its up to you. your childish and immature.. if you want this to work, if we want this to work. its time to grow up. communicate with me and learn how to keep your word and not lie. stop demanding to be understood and understand.... that I am hurt. and I need my man to be a man.

I let you distract me and hold me back, where as to that is my fault.

now that I have gotten that off my chest, because its been keeping me sick. im using today to look for a job. ive accepted that this is where im staying. so its time to start living here and doing my part. 

my dad told me this morning he might have to sell the house, as much as I hate this house because the negative energy it brings sometimes, this is our house, weve had it since I was 5. its time to buckle down and get my shit together as well. I want to be able to help. and I cant help if I don't help myself first.

I have a lot I need to get done. and I plan to do so. Charlie was right I need to write everything down. my mind is cluttered.

today will be a good day. bringing in all good energy into my heart mind soul and surroundings

(11:08)

[survivorwakea]

Episode 14: “YEEHAW!” - Elmo

im so flop w these orgs but I AM SO HAPPY THAT I AM IN THE F5!! JARED LEFT HE LEFT! HES GONE! IM IN THE FINAL 5 WOOOOOO I MIGHT BE FLOPPING WITH MY MOVES BUT I AM JUST SO HAPPY THAT IM HERE WAAAA

Jared...that sucked. I hope we are still good friends after this. I never wanted it to go down like that but I wouldn’t stand a chance against you at a final after everything that has happened this game. I truly enjoyed getting to know you and hope that you love stranger things. I have some hot memes saved for it. At least if you don’t like the show maybe you will appreciate the memes. Anyway... now we got a challenge that I have like a .00002% chance of winning because I work 10-6 tomorrow. I considered staying up but I can’t. I’m gonna do it as long as I can tonight but I don’t think it’s gonna matter. My plan is if elmo wins vote Bodhi. If Bodhi wins vote Elmo. If neither of them wins then...this vote will be something mighty interesting.

ive been so bad with confessionals so i want to do a proper one for once. It's day 36. I still have my idol and my closest ally, Chloe won immunity. Which means that we are both going to final 4 bitches  YEEHAW! I couldn't be happier that we have both pulled this off. There's only so little left and I'm so proud of coming all this way because comin into this season I really had no expectations of myself but I genuinely think that I have a chance of winning and that is just not a feeling I get every day.

This vote could go two ways. The more likely way is to vote out Bodhi. Bodhi/Asya are inseparable duo since forever and votin bodhi would be very smart. Other option is Lily. I feel like Lily hasn't played as well as Bodhi has (aka I think I have a shot against her in the FTC) but I feel like shes defo better in challenges. I am not sure what route is the best but I am leaning towards votin Bodhi out. I know that I can beat Lily in FIC and hopefully then get her out. My dream f3 for a while now has been Asya and Chloe and its fairly close to come into fruition.

I just hope I can pull of these last challenge wins. I have zero (0) individual immunities so now would be a very good time to get a win on my record. I hope that I don't choke this end game ajsoidfjasf. I also hope that I am not being delusional about my chances,,, worst case scenario would be jury hating on me. I don't think that is the case but I really cannot know for sure yanno? I am not there and hopefully wont be!!!

https://imgur.com/a/4SUfgSs

________________________________________________________________

Bodhi is voted out 3-2. He becomes the eighth member of the jury.

Well. I did it. I made a move. It was risky and the jury may not agree but I had to do it. I would have lost this game for sure if I didn’t save elmo for another round and vote Bodhi out. Bodhi mad respect for you and absolutely love how you take things seriously but also don’t??? It was really great getting to talk with you again. Anabel is a beautiful singer but I think you were the true winner of the talent show. No matter what happens, if I’m the next jury member, get 3rd, 2nd, or somehow win the thing, I’m happy. I met some awesome people and played differently than I have before. Hoping I can win this next challenge. If elmo wins, it’s no good but I think I can make it to F3. If elmo doesn’t win, hopefully all the girls can come together and get him out.

Voting Bodhi tonight because I'm not letting ANYONE drag me anywhere, not even to 4th place xx

________________________________________________________________

The fact that I've made it to F4 and get to do ROP really makes me happy, I never thought I'd be at this point in the game holy shit

fuck simon says. If any game I play in the future includes this game I will quit on the spot. Screenshot after each round????? Ummmmmmm. no. hard pass.

I'm almost certain Elmo will win, I knew it from when I saw he was in the cast. Even if I somehow end up sitting beside him at FTC, he's going to get the votes over me. I feel so defeated. Hell even if I make FTC and he doesn't, I'll probably still lose. I feel like such a bad player and person. This game has ruined me totally. I don't feel like I have much fight left to give but I'm trying so hard to pretend to everyone else I have the most fight left in me. Elmo deserves the win though.

me, having the attention span for this challenge? its less likely than u think

im like frustrated bc i wanna win so bad like i feel like i need this win not to get me to the end but to VALIDATE me bc ive worked so hard and stressed so much to get here and even if the jury tears me apart i want to be able to say that i Did something even if the something was just this.

fuck pitbull

Honestly...1. The first question on this form being, who am I? Is a loaded question, I don’t know???? Some weird a** chick who plays online games of survivor and just wants an unplanned all female FTC.  I’m too gosh darn emotional for this. What is wrong with me? 2. I’m a mess (this is really just a continuing of the first point)! First I freak out during the counting challenge cause I messed it up the first time and then I couldn’t get it together cause I’m a damn mess. Then I write diol instead of idol on my #102 in the endurance challenge. I hate pit bull. F*** puzzles and I don’t know if 23 selfies is a lot or nothing at all? Im driving myself bonkers. I called in sick today. I ate a big a** chocolate chip cookie and I still want the peanut butter bar that I was trying to save for later. F***. I shouldn’t be given three days to do anything. It’s too much time! Never thought I’d say this but TOO MUCH TIME. I’m losing my s***

https://youtu.be/tp-ZZAq5BV8

I'm just here to be sad. I can't win and I've known that, I've said all along Elmo my main competition I need to get rid of him. But I love him too much. I'm scared. I don't wanna make it to FTC and be dragged to hell and back by the jury, while Elmo sits there and gets praise. I'm so scared they're all gonna hate me. Like can Elmo just win without me being dragged please. It feels like I've put so much into this game surviving every tribal so far and being immune once, where I put in everything I had to make sure I won and it could literally all be for nothing. I could somehow make FTC and the jury just turns on me. It's kinda my biggest fear. I don't even know what I'm saying right now, I'm tired and scared. I just want this to be over with.

I’m honestly just so glad that is over. That was the hardest challenge I’ve had to do in my time. Congrats to us all for doing that damn. Chloe, Asya, and Elmo it has been a pleasure.

so. i didn’t win final immunity, which. duh.

i was really hoping to see chloe win, but of course, elmo won instead which means as far as i’m concerned, the winner of this game is already decided. i can’t lie and say i’m not mad at lily about this. she got too cocky and thought elmo wouldn’t win FIC when she took out bodhi.

chloe and i agreed to vote for her tonight, which i assume means elmo is also voting for her, even though he won’t say. not like there’s any reason to hide your vote at Final Fuckin Four but okay elmo.

the circle of life gets completed tonight. jared kills johnny, bodhi kills jared, lily kills bodhi, i kill lily, and then the jury kills me. it’s gonna be a fun time.

________________________________________________________________

Lily is voted out 3-1. She becomes the final member of the jury.

FTC in 15.... and i genuinely feel sick

as i wrote notes for myself, i started to realize that i’ve been... very hard on myself in this game. this isn’t the best game i’ve played. it wasn’t flashy, i definitely don’t have anything close to a winners edit and yes, i’m probably still getting 3rd but.

i did what i had to do. i just wanted to make it to the end and i did. i put my emotions in the back seat and made the moves that would secure me a place in the final 3. my opinion is probably gonna 180 after the jury tears me to pieces but for now i listen to 80’s music and try to tell myself i’m not gonna cry

time to get roasted by the jury

[thotragnar0k]

i’ve been occasionally vague in my tags recently (don’t know if anyone actually reads them when i do add them but anyway) and I figured i should probably explain myself.

this past month of august has been really hard for all the good things that have happened in it. i’ve been feeling really upset about my body, my eating habits and my lifestyle, and while i thought being at home wasn’t helping, i was wrong (for reasons that will be explained in this super long post - i am so sorry people who don’t care about me).

i’ve never been happy with my weight. friends of mine have probably noticed that i put myself down a lot - saying self-deprecating things like I’m ugly and one such thing today i’m nowhere near pretty enough to a) marry rich and b) have a sugar daddy (you don’t need context here) - and it’s a problem i am subconsciously trying to fix. 

but as i was saying, my body and i have never been on good terms. i think that my curves are in all the wrong places, and i feel like i’m in that gross in-between where no clothes look good on me, and I don’t have the right proportions for my tall (5′7-5′8) body.

i celebrated my 20th birthday this year, twice technically. Once a few days before with my friends and another the weekend of with my family. Firstly the night out with my friends. Sidenote: I’m not a ‘night out’ kind of girl. I don’t really like to get hammered. I will, I just won’t drink so much that I’ll throw up - mostly because I’m lazy and down want to have to clean. But as we were all at home, I figured fuck it, lets go out-out. Sometimes you just need to go out and get drunk with some friends. 

three things happened that night that made me hate myself. three things, I don’t think I’ve actually told my friends (both of which are on tumblr and may see this if i don’t mass reblog other things immediately after it), or if i have I’ve played it off. 

the first thing: my choice of outfit. again body issues. and lack of night out clothing. i don’t own any jeans that actually sit on my waist. i have high waisted jeans but unfortunately they always slip down to my hips (under my muffin top). my friends looked gorgeous. i felt like i stood out, but in a really bad way. sure the dress i wore was nice, but it wasn’t anything like the outfits they were wearing; jeans and a fancy top. 

the second thing: dancing on a bar in coyote ugly. i did it because, you only dance on a bar once and they were doing it. i can’t dance. i have zero rhythm in this body. dancing on a bar did nothing to help my self confidence. i felt like everybody was watching me and judging me and it made me want to disappear into my bed and never leave it again. 

and the third thing, also happening in coyote ugly; riding a rodeo bull. sure i’d love to say that i was too drunk to care. but i wasn’t. i was tipsy sure, but not too drunk. the thing that made me hate myself during this section of the night out - i couldn’t even get on the bull. my thick ass thighs kept sticking to the seat of the bull and my weak arms couldn’t pull my fat ass up. Sure I got up eventually, but the embarrassment of not being able to get on a rodeo bull was enough to completely slam dunk my self esteem into a trash can and into a bottomless pit. so that was fantastic. 

concerning the weekend with my family; i found myself crying in the bathroom silently before we went to cardiff because i wanted to dress up nice because we were going to a nice steakhouse, but my problems with my body just made me want to hide under a big baggy jumper. 

and i did. i found my biggest, baggiest jumper and i hid in it, because I couldn’t stand to see my disgusting body in something vaguely form fitting. no one commented on it, no one cared, but i did. and to be honest, i think it ruined my birthday.

and thats so sad, that such a small insignificant thing could ruin a while day. but it did. and to me it didn’t feel like a small, insignificant thing. it felt like a huge weight on my shoulder, drowning me completely. it also impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. he noticed that i haven’t been texting him as much as i usually do (not that im crazy, i just like to know how his day is going) and when we were conversing I was barely responding and being quite distant. and i hate it that that’s a thing i do; isolating myself to deal with my problems. i’m better now. i talk to him as much as i used to do, if not slightly less because i have nothing to do at the moment and there’s no point texting him for a cuddle because i’m not anywhere near each other for that instant gratification.

there have been many a night this summer where i have depersonalised (link here for those who want to know more) because of these issues, and its so hard to pull myself out of that floaty feeling. I’m better at it now than I used to be, but it’s still so hard. 

i’ve had so many things i need to do in preparation for third year of uni but these episodes of depersonalisation have really stood in the way of actually doing that. i’ve got photos of a mutual that i need to retouch and send back to her but i can’t pick up the energy to sit at my laptop and do that work because i feel disconnected to part of my body. 

and knowing she’ll read this, she’ll say just send them over to me un-edited; but the nit-picky, perfectionist part of my brain refuses to let me do that. i can’t send them to you because these aren’t perfect. they aren’t right. i can’t send them because this stray hair is out of place or this photo isn’t quite correctly exposed and sure, it seems trivial but it isn’t to me. 

i went to a convention this past weekend; asylum steampunk in lincoln. i was helping my mum sell her books, occasionally assisting a photographer and his team, and running around taking photos. it was an odd convention; i felt as though i’d both done a lot and nothing at the same time. usually i feel so tired after a multiple day convention that i need a four day nap to catch up. but i was actually okay. 

i learned a lot about myself at that convention. firstly, i oddly like talking to people and selling books. sure it’s hella tiring for just sitting behind a stall and occasionally selling a product. but chatting to people was actually really nice. my family tend to stick to ourselves. for welsh people (y’know that stereotype that welsh people never shut up) we don’t tend to socialise much, and networking is not our strongest asset. 

the other thing i, well i guess i re-learned; photographing people at conventions for fun is actually fun. For the past three or four conventions i’ve been to - comic, gaming and steampunk - i’ve always been thinking about how i can use the photos as a series for university. but this time; i wasn’t thinking about that. i wasn’t caring if the background was any good, or if the lighting was perfect. i was just taking the photos. and it was so relaxing and fun. it wasn’t work.

for three of the four days we were at that convention, i got into the spirit and i dressed up for it. One of the outfits, that was sort of like a steampunk-y mechanic was a wide-full leg jumpsuit that my mum and i made together a few weeks before. i tracked half of my journey of that on twitter, (the bits i did, the cutting the fabric etc - my mum actually sewed the whole thing together- though i did give her a shoutout on twitter for all her hardwork). I actually really enjoyed wearing that outfit (mostly because the pockets were s o b i g), for the other two days i went slightly more piratey, wearing striped brown and black l=pants and a flowey striped white shirt one day and a light lace skirt and off the shoulder top on the other. that skirt, i don’t know why i don’t wear it more often (aside from the fact it doesn’t fit any outfits i have and i’ll look like an idiot wearing it anywhere other than a convention) because i think i look so good in it (baring in mind the lack of body positivity i have, this is a big deal).

the other thing that i’ve been doing this summer is i’ve been getting into make-up and even fashion i guess, trying to learn how to do that stuff (man it’s hard, why didn’t i start earlier). make-ups not so much of a problem in what i’m about to talk about, but watching fashion videos on youtube is rather annoying when you’re an average to slightly above average weight. I’ve not found (until today, the videos i’m watching right now as i write this) any youtubers that are fashion related that are anywhere near the shape/weight that i am. They’re either super skinny waifs who can fit into anything they want (and like that one i saw, saying that a size fourteen is a great size for oversized clothing - bitch please, stop) or plus size and self confident with those curves in the right places and much bigger than i can relate to. not that there’s a problem with either, there’s just not as much representation for the ‘average’ person. there probably is and i just haven’t found it (currently watching lucy wood) and i need to look better into it. i can guarantee that is definitely the case. but still i’d love youtube to recommend those youtubers to me please.

something that i did realise from the steampunk weekend was that i was so busy ‘working’ if you can call it that, that i forgot to eat the crap that i usually eat during the day, and i guess i forgot to drink water (which is not a good thing, drink water kids). but the main thing is not eating crap all day, paired with the amount of walking i did that weekend (almost 30,000 steps over four days) has actually made me lose half a stone since the last time i weighed myself at the end of july. (so i’m very pleased about this) 

so sure, while third year is going to be so, so stressful, i’m making steps towards feeling better about myself and making sure i do 5-10 thousand steps a day and not eat as much crap as i usually do, but most importantly; learning to love myself and my body. 

oh my god this post is so long. i’m so sorry anyone who reads all this. 

tl,dr: the month of august has been depressing, body issues galore and i’m probably being ridiculous but i’m trying to get better.