#ONLY SOME MINUTES NOW HAAAAAAAA

[set-ton]

IM LITERALLY IN MY GARDEN RN BECAUSE I KNEW ILL AWAKE ALL MY FAMILY IF I WATCH IT IN MY HOUSSE HAAAAAAA IM SOOOOOO EXITED

[citrusveins]

50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked

Tagged by the magnificent @baqukou~ I just love talking about myself.

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?: BLACK.

2. Name a food you never eat?: I wanna say tomatoes, but I guess I technically eat them in sauces. But if them bad boys be sliced up on a sammich, I say good day.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?: TOO WARM.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?: Playing RDR2 🤠

5. What is your favorite candy bar?: KitKats

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?: Yeah, a few hockey games.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?: I’m singing a song rn soooo lyrics.

8. What is your favorite ice cream?: If I can get a chocolate raspberry thing going on, I am pleased as punch. But birthday cake or coconut is also top.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?: Cream soda!

10. Do you like your wallet?: Yep. It’s IT related.

11. What was the last thing you ate?: Salad with some chicken.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?: NO. I am desperate need to go shopping.

13. The last sporting event you watched?: Probably... hockey... from a long time ago.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?: I love that salty shit from the theaters or caramel corn. OR OMG CHICAGO MIX. (@baqukou I don’t think I’ve met a person who doesn’t like popcorn! Not that you’re not allowed to not like it baha 🤷)

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?: My sister.

16. Ever go camping?: Not for a few years now, but I’ve been!

17. Do you take vitamins?: Nah.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?: Haaaaaaaa. I’ve literally never been to church.

19. Do you have a tan?: I am white as all hell, my brotha.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?: Don’t make me choooosssee. I love pizza though.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?: I prefer to if there’s ice in a glass simply because the ice bumps against my teeth and it makes this horrid slurping sound because apparently I don’t know how to drink like a human.

22. What color socks do you usually wear?: White.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?: Only a wee bit sometimes, but I’m pretty good. Got pulled over once and my anxiety says “No thanks” to letting that happen again.

24. What terrifies you?: Doctors.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?: Lilacs I picked~

26. What chore do you hate?: DISHES.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?: Australia? haha

28. What’s your favorite soda?: Rootbeer. Or Vanilla Coke just because it’s only out sometimes in Canada :’(

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?: I love me some drive-thrus.

30. Who’s the last person you talked to?: My sister.

31. Favorite cut of beef?: Hahah legit like steak? I... I don’t know. Shit that’s not fatty? I hope this isn’t some hip young kid innuendo I’m too old for.

32. Last song you listened to?: Candles - Daughter

33. Last book you read?: I’ll be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara

34. Favorite day of the week?: Saturdaaaayyyy

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?: Not without severe complications.

36. How do you like your coffee?: Iced baybee

37. Favorite pair of shoes?: My zombie heels I never wear.

38. The time you normally go to sleep?: I prefer 3am but WORK likes to RUIN that. So typically it’s 11 or 12.

39. The time you normally get up?: I prefer 10-11, but again, WORK. So usually it’s 6:55.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?: Sunrises because I am rarely up that early so when I get to see them it’s in that weird “I haven’t slept yet and should’ve done so hours ago” stage and it’s all dreamy and calm and magical.

41. How many blankets on your bed?: Two~

42. Describe your kitchen plates: White with black flowers.

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?: I love margaritas and long island iced teas. Or really if a drink is blended, I’m down.

44. Do you play cards?: Go Fish?

45. What color is your car?: Grey-ish?

46. Can you change a tire?: I’ve been shown once before so I think I could figure it out with some difficulty.

47. Your favorite province?: We like... We like talking Canada here? I love my BC, but it’s expensive as shiiiiittttt.

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had?: Working at the piercing jewellery kiosk at a mall.

49. How did you get your biggest scar?: It was from when I fell out of the tub as a kid and scraped my knee on some mangled metal sticking up from a bolt on the toilet.

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?: I drew a dumb drawing for my co-worker that she was surprised with in the morning.

YO. I tag @todokiis @gummyconcrete @milkofthewildpoppy @quirkle2 @arcticgraham ONLY if you all wanna ramble about yourselves. AND OF COURSE, anyone else. Don’t be shy. I steal tag games all the time.

[thatkidwhodreams]

The Lie

Chapter One

Masterlist

Prologue

Warning: Smut, playful insults

*Three Years Later*

You and Shawn have been together for three years and today just so happened to be your anniversary. It felt like yesterday Shawn asked you to be his girlfriend, he just walked right up to you whilst you were in the library doing a little homework (mostly procrastinating) and he started saying the most random things about you. You can’t lie it did scare you a little but then he sang you one of your favourite songs and you died right there.

You were planning to do something special for your man and that included getting a new set of lingerie. You headed into Victoria’s Secret with your best friend Sofia as she thought you needed some quality ‘best friend’ time. You looked through the plethoras of underwear and undergarments until you found the one you knew would blow Shawn’s mind.

Sofia insisted that she inspects what you pick for your big night. She was VERY picky might you add so it took awhile for her to be satisfied although she wasn’t the only one who was going to be satisfied today *wink* *wink*. Once you’d picked out your new set for tonight you paid for it and then headed out of the store. Victoria’s Secret would finally be out tonight.

Shawn was at work well, that was what he said so you and Sofia had more time to yourselves. You decided on a few tv shows and frozen pizza you might as well eat up before the exercise later. Shadowhunters was currently on and you and Sofia were lowkey hitting on Alec Lightwood.

“He’s so handsome, it’s too bad he’s gay we would’ve made a cute couple.” You spoke dreamily

Sofia threw a pillow at you

“Ow WHAT THE HELL!” You screamed a little dramatically.

“YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND STOP HITTING ON ALEC AND LEAVE SOME ROOM FOR THE SINGLETONS!”

“SORRY” You replied sarcastically. “ I didn’t realise that I wasn’t allowed to like fictional characters.”

The discussion went on for hours from Stiles Stilinski in Teen Wolf to Jeff Atkins from 13 Reasons Why and how he was an adorable soul who deserved better.

“Let’s prank call Shawn” Sofia blurted out in sudden excitement.

“OMG YESSS GO AND GET THE BRICK PHONE THAT NOBODY USES!”

Sofia ran to the corner and picked up the Nokia 216. You took the phone off her and dialed Shawn’s number. It picked up on the second ring.

“Hello?” A voice spoke from the other side.

You put on your best feminine voice higher than your usual one and spoke.

“Local sperm bank you jack it we pack it. Is this Shawn?”

“Erm….I think you might have the wrong number?”

“No, this is Mr Shawn Mendes right?”

Sofia was giggling in the background and you muttered a quick “shh”

You spoke again “Am I right?”

“Okay ma’am I think you might be confu-“ Shawn replied but you cut him off.

“You are the sperm donor right?”

“Erm…….” Then the line cut off. You and Sofia burst out laughing.

“What happened?”

“He hung up” you spoke as tears were in your eyes. “He was so confused.”

“Haaaaaaaa” Sofia’s mouth was wide open as she too was dying from this prank.

After a while you calmed down and had a sudden idea to get drunk for no reason after all it was still your anniversary.

Suddenly you heard the door open and a voice scream “I’m home.” It was a voice you knew oh so well.

“Sorry Sofie but bae is back!” You said rising from your current position. “Your presence is no longer required.”

“Hey! We were gonna get druuuuuunk!”

“Not today sis.”

“Before you go lemme just tell you, the craziest thing happened today.”

You and Sofia looked at each other.

“What happened?” You asked

“Some lady called me on an unknown number asking if I was a sperm donor for the local sperm bank. I don’t recall being a sperm donor.”

You and Sofia burst out laughing again.

“OH LORD!”

“IT’S NOT FUNNY BABE I WAS TRAUMATISED!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” You walked up to him and kissed him.

“Mmmhhhhmmm it’s okay I’m feeling a little better anyway.”

“Oh yeah? The only sperm you’re going to be donating is in here.” You guided his hands to your private area.

“Erm….I think I’ll take this as my que to leave.” Sofia said awkwardly

“Wait, nooooo don’t go.”

“I’M LEAVING NOOOOW. BYEEEE ENJOY YOUR STEAMY MAKEOUT SESSION WITH MORE TO COME LITERALLY MORE TO CO-!”

“OKAY YOU CAN GO NOW!”

Both of your eyes followed her as she headed into her car and drove off.

“Wow she is a handful.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Heeeeey what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You and her are like twins. Seriously, you’re like a Jack-in-the-box popping out at random times and giving people the craziest shock of their lives.”

You gasped and folded you arms with a slight pout on your face. “That was mean!”

“I’m sorry baby hey I got you something.” Shawn pulled out a rectangular box. You looked over at it and still pouted in the corner.

Shawn sighed “Please forgive me babe.”

“NO!”

“Okay but you’re still gonna see what I got you, it just might change your mind.” Shawn opened the box and your eyes narrowed to take a little glance at it, you were trying to be as discreet as possible. He opened the box and it revealed a necklace with Shawn’s initials on it.

“You’re full of yourself aren’t you?”

Shawn chuckled “No babe it’s a reminder and a sign that I’m yours. You have one with my initials and I have one of yours.” He pulled out a necklace which laid on his chest that was hidden in his shirt and on it were your initials nicely engraved. You couldn’t hold your grudge any longer so your walls broke right there.

“Awwwww Shawn that’s so sweet. I LOVE IT!”

“Oh I nearly forgot your surprise is upstairs. I’m just gonna go upstairs and get it. Close your eyes NO PEEKING!”

“Okay babe.” Shawn said as he smiled at his beautiful girlfriend and soon to be wife who just so happened to be you.

You headed upstairs and got undressed to put on the lingerie that Sofia helped you pick out. Then you headed a call from downstairs.

“Princess, are you nearly ready. I’ve been waiting for ages!”

You rolled your eyes even though you knew he couldn’t see you do it. “Oh shut up! Your eyes have only been closed for three minutes!”

You heard him groan and sigh but you ignored him and carried on. Once you were done you looked at yourself in the full length mirror and adjusted a few things. You walked out of the room and stayed at the top of the stairs.

“Okay, you can look now.”

Shawn opens his eyes and his mouth was wide open.

“Babe……”

You didn’t know what was up but you began to feel a little self conscious. So you hid yourself a little.

“Do you not like it?”

“What! No babe I love it. You look so sexy right now.” Shawn groaned.

“Reeaalllyy?”

“Yes, ugh. I can’t even.”

You didn’t know what had gotten into you, but all of a sudden your pride came back and you walked back into your bedroom knowing Shawn would look like a lost puppy and follow you.

“Hey! Babe, wait up.”

You giggled and sat on the bed cross legged and three seconds later Shawn burst in the room panting a bit. All the man did was run up the bloody stairs. It was only fifteen goddamn steps!

“So….this is my anniversary present right?”

You rolled your eyes so hard you thought it might’ve stayed there.

“What do you think?!”

“Sorry, sorry!” Shawn apologised.

You and Shawn has a playful relationship you’d just insult each other for no particular reason and pretend to be upset. But it all ended in kisses and cuddles later on.

You and Shawn just stared at each other like two pups in love until Shawn leaned forward and before you knew it your lips were moulded into each other. You leaned back into the bed leaving Shawn on top of you. Shawn broke the kiss taking his shirt off, your eyes seeing nothing else but his abs. Shawn continued to kiss you and leave a trail of kisses on your collarbone and down to your stomach.

“Babe, it’s not fair that I’m the only one taking something off.” Shawn said as he was about to tear your new bra off.

“Hey! Don’t tear it this is brand new okay. Be gentle.”

“Calm your tits! I’ll buy you another one.” And just like that he tore your bra open and you groaned in pleasure and annoyance. He muttered a quick “sorry” and continued his assault on your breasts.

You guided his hands down to your panties and bucked your hips into his hands.

“Shawwwnnnn!” You cried as he started taking your panties off in a more civilised way than he did to your bra.

You ran your fingers through his chocolate curls as he started pumping into you with his fingers.

“Gosh baby, you’re so wet.”

“What do you expect with you doing me like this?” You chuckled.

Shawn started laughing “Hush child.”

“CHILD?! I’m only two months younger than you!”

“Shhh” He said placing a finger on your lips. With his other hand he continued to pump into you and you moaned. He added another finger and began going a little faster, you were sure to break right there. Then he stopped.

“Heyyyyy!” You exclaimed and you hit his chest. He just kissed your cheek.

“Yup you’re ready for me now.”

“Ready for what? That tiny twig there? What’s its name again I think it was Frank or something.”

Shawn looked hurt but he knew you were playing around so he gasped in a fake manner. “Take that back!”

“Why should I take back the truth?”

“Because we know you want us and if you don’t take it back we won’t satisfy you.” He said getting up off the bed and walking out of the room.

“Wait you can’t leave me like this! Okay, okay I’m sorry! Come back! I need you!”

Shawn came back a few seconds later as he was hiding behind the hinges of the door. He didn’t really leave he was just waiting for an apology and if he didn’t get one he was planning on getting himself off.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Ugh I’m sorry, now please help me out. I know you need this as much as I do.”

You showed him your puppy dog eyes knowing that he couldn’t say no to you and just like that you had him wrapped around your little finger again.

He got back on the bed and finished what he was doing before and you sure as hell came.

He then started taking off his Calvin Klein boxers that he recently bought and modelled for you a few times. Now his ‘little’ friend was fully out.

“Are you okay? Is this ‘tiny twig’ too much for you to handle?” Shawn asked cockily (pun intended).

You scoffed “Pshh no of course not now hurry please.”

Shawn slowly slid himself into you and you moaned. He went a little slow at first, giving you enough time to adjust to him and he wrapped his mouth around your right nipple and started tweaking the other. Shortly, he switched and moved onto the other one causing you to let out a short groan which seemed to be contagious as Shawn groaned too. He began rolling his hips faster hitting a certain spot inside you making you scream and he shut his eyes harder which was a sign that he was about to come.

“I’m so close Shawn.”

“Me too baby.” He groaned. A few more thrusts later you both hit your highs and came together.

Shawn rolled off you and the two of you started panting like there was no tomorrow.

“So much for a tiny twig huh?” Shawn said sarcastically as he was holding you like a fragile being.

“Shut up!”

“Ha, I’m kidding. I love you so much babe happy anniversary.” Shawn kissed your cheek, nose then lips.

“I know right I’m amazing.” Shawn pinches your sides.

“Okay, okay I love you too honey happy anniversary I hope you enjoyed my little present.”

“I loved it!” And the both of you snuggled the whole night until you drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Two

A/N: This is my first time writing smut It’s pretty bad I know but I’ll get better at it. I’m not gonna lie but this is totally me if I was to ever be with Shawn. Feedback is always appreciated, I don’t bite.  ❤️

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz lbs: 4th + 5th may

suchhhh bad acting by the qaidis. lord, why can’t this show get better extras? 😐😐😐

pft. shivaay singh oberoi just DANCED around drunk on magic berries with a bigger gun than that. try harder, qaidis. 🙄🙄🙄

lmao, shuru ho gayi apni madam. 😋😋😋

HAHAHAHA AMAR PREM 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

“naam sunte hai pata chala tha tum filmy aur awaara kism ke ladke ho, but no! tum toh nikkame aur nithalle bhi ho.” 😂😂😂

lol shivaay’s reaction to her ENERGY. 😂😂😂

OMG JUST WHEN I THINK I CAN’T LOVE ANIKA MORE, SHE QUOTES ANDAZ APNA APNA. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, I WOULD DIE FOR THIS GIRL. I WOULD. MOVE OVER SHIVAAY. NO ONE CAN LOVE HER MORE THAN ME. 😭😭😭

this is exaaaaaaaaactly how i react when ppl tell me they haven’t seen andaz apna apna. 😧😧😧

jesus i feel like gul & co. are stalking me. *looks around suspiciously*

these qaidis need to get a grip with the bad acting. 😕😕😕

shivaay is so undeserving of my queen. can she leave his unappreciative ass and marry me? ours shall be a happy, andaz apna apna quote filled union. 👭🏽👭🏽👭🏽

why are the qaidis holding hands? are they lovers, ‘i love you philip morris’ style? 🤔🤔🤔

also i swear i’ve seen the moochi waala qaidi somewhere before. 😐😐😐

lmaooooooooo shivaay’s faceeee when she keeps talking. 😂😂😂

lol, the moochi waala qaidi is thissss close to losing it. i guess you need to be exposed to anika for a really long time to build up resistence the way shivaay has. 😋😋😋

whattttt kinda stupidass police doesn’t know what the faraar qaidi look like? 😒😒😒

i really think the qaidi are lovers. look how affectionately that one is sehlaofying the other one’s knee. 😙😙😙

who died and made anika the leading expert on tyres? 🙄🙄🙄

lol, sach mein aaj bohut bakbak kar rahi hai. i think she MIGHT still be high on berry juice. 😂😂😂

lo. aur police. 😐😐😐

finally. someone knows what INDIA’S LEADING BUSINESSMAN looks like. 😒😒😒

BIWI BIWI BIWI BIWI. man is unstoppable. i think he’s just glad someone’s married to his annoying ass.  😂😂😂

aaaaaaaaand moochi waala qaidi’s lost his temper finally. 😝😝😝

OUFF, SHIVAAY. YOU’RE THE BIGGEST IDIOT. I THINK THIS IS PROOF HE’S A BONAFIDE OBEROI, COZ SUCH DUMBASSERY IS 100% OBEROI GENES. 😑😑😑 

lol anika talking about her hair routine featuring mehendi reminds me of the scene where she offers omkaara shikakai and reetha waala shampoo as thanks for clearing her name of the chip waala accusation. 😂😂😂

why the fuck hasn’t shivaay noticed that the policeman is out cold???? 😒😒😒

CODEWORD BHI NAHI SMAJHTA, BEWAKOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😤😤😤

“lagta hai bhabiji ko antakshari khelni hai.” lmao 😂😂😂

haha shivaay’s fake laugh. 😂😂😂

oh god, please don’t make HIM sing. 🙉🙉🙉

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG SHIVAAY’S GETTING MAD THAT ANIKA’S SINGING DURING HIS TURN. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

shivaay singh oberoi, antakshari enthusiast. who knew. 😇😇😇

… i’m so surprised shivaay even knows how to play antakshari. it’s such a LS game as far as he’s concerned. 🤔🤔🤔

LMAO LOOK AT HIM ENJOYING ‘GOLI MAAR BHEJEEEE MEIN’ AS IF IT’S SOME CLASSICAL RAAG 😂😂😂😂

oh godddddddddddddd now he’s even singing along to oye oye. this fucking idiot. 😂😂😂

FUCKINGGGGGG FINALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY! 

LOL WHY IS HE STILLL SINGINGGGG ALONNNNNGGG???? 😂😂😂

could youuuuu people run a little FURTHER, and not just stop at the first thing you found???????? idiots. 😒😒

“tum theek ho?” awwww 😭😭😭😭

lmaooo “haan par US WAQT ka code word tha na!” pffffffft. typical husband wala excuse. 🙄🙄🙄

“TOH ACHCHI QUALITY KA BRAIN KHAREEDNA CHAHIYE THA NA!!!!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂

he doesn’t know what oootpataang means??? it’s a normal word though?? 😐😐😐

I TOLD YOU FUCKERS TO RUN FURTHERRRRRRRRRRR 😩😩😩

qaidis are taking full opportunity to fucking ACT the fuck out of the 3 minutes given to them. 😒😒😒

shivaay, you know she’s not gonna leave your stupid ass, as much as you deserve it. it’s her one fatal flaw. 😑😑😑

pffffffft, so only you can talk crap about how much she talks eh? 🙄🙄🙄

lmaooooooo anika and her thermocol ka stone. 😂😂😂

qaidi 2 ki actingggggggg. amazing. 

headcanon: patidev was finding anika all types of sexy and advancing to kiss the crap outta her when that stupid qaidi interrupted. 😠😠😠

is this the time to pick a fight, shivaay? kissss her! 😚😚😚

i feel like my liveblogs these days should just be a bullet point after bullet point screaming “kiss her!!!!!!!!!!!” and nothing more. 😐😐😐

please, is that why you stood in front of a gun, ready to take a bullet with her name on it FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME???? 🙄🙄🙄

this is an equal opportunity bullet-taking relationship, asshole. you better accept that and get used to it, mister. 😑😑😑

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO THEM SCREAMING SHUT UP AT THE QAIDI. AND HIM ACTUALLY PUTTING HIS FINGER ON HIS LIPS. 😂😂😂😂

she’s right. it is yourrrrr fault, shivaay. your nosy NKK enquiring ass is to fault! 😒😒😒

“haddi-tod bhi” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO 😂😂😂

I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS KANJI EYED MOTHERFUCKER GETS HIMSELF SHOT AGAIN, IMMA RESURRECT HIS DEAD ASS AND KILL HIM ALL OVER AGAIN MYSELF. AND IT’LL BE PAINFUL AND FUCKING SLOW. FUCKING HELL. 😡😡😡

5th may

lmaoooooo wait, they’re really named AMAR PREM? hahahahahaha 😂😂😂

shivaay’s sideeye at the qaidis while watching them argue. 😂😂😂

“mere koooo kyunnn maaara????” - said in the same voice and tone as “tere ko kisneee maaara????????” from gunda 😂😂😂

anika’s turn to stand in front now. #feminism 💁🏽💁🏽💁🏽

oh mooch wale qaidi. that was a mistake. you made SSO angry. you won’t like him when he’s angry. 😬😬😬

“BIIIIIIIIIIWIIIIII HAI MERIIIIIIIIIII! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIRLS RAN OUT ON MY ASS ON MY WEDDING DAY???? YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET HER TO MARRY ME? AND TO KEEP HER MARRIED TO ME ON A DAILY BASIS? IT’S FUCKING HARD. DON’T YOU FUCKING BE SHOOTING AT THE ONLY WOMAN ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH WHO CAN TOLERATE ME!!!!!!!!”

lol nakuul having to stand on his tippy toes to match the qaidi’s height. 😂😂😂

why’s he pointing the gun towards himself tho? such a fucking idiot. 😒😒😒

pfffffffffft, i already know the qaidi’s the one who’s getting shot. awaaiiiii ka drama. 🙄🙄🙄

looks like policeman finallly fucking woke up from his mini coma. 😐😐😐

also, god, so overdramatic, mooch waale qaidi. bas haath pe hi toh laga hai. that’s like a rudra level graaaaaaze. ask these two how a gunshot to the fucking chest feels. 😒😒😒

yaaaaaaaaaaas, you hug the crap outta your husband girl. 😊😊😊

and since he’s not taking the initiative, maybe YOU kiss him. it’s 2017, girls can do that now. 🙆🏽🙆🏽🙆🏽

coz she loves your dumb ass, you dumbass. 😒😒😒

ouff. you two. less fighting. more makeout-ing. 🙄🙄🙄

oh ho, ghoom phir ke back to NKK. 😑😑😑

btw, is this all happening in front of the chor-police? like… you two should maybe take this behind that wall. 😕😕😕

aw. he’s trying. 😭😭😭

i know he is, but… come on man, you’re a grownass adult. you gotta learn how to control your impulses. you can’t just do whatever the fuck you “want”. i WANT to quit my job and just stay in bed, braless all day. i WANT to never eat another healthy meal again and just subsist on potato chips and popcorn for the rest of my life. can i do that? NO. COZ THAT’S WHAT BEING A GODDAMN ADULT IS ABOUT. YOU CONTROL YOUR IMPULSES AND DO THE RIGHT THING. 😒😒😒

aaaah, finally she said it. 😭😭😭

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

also, crying. my boy’s grown up. he’s SO grown up. waaaaaah. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

amazing what some rottenass alcoholic berries and having a gun pointed in your face can do! they’ve given this man the self awareness he’s been lacking for 33 fucking years. 😐😐😐

ok, did he stay up all night reading some relationship therapy book or what? he’s talking classic counselling language. 🤔🤔🤔

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, they love each other sooooo muchhhhhhhhhh. and iiiiiiiii love them soooooooo muchhhhhhhhhhh. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

COULD YOU FUCKERS AT LEAST FUCKING KISS NOW?!!? 😩😩😩

GODDAMNIT POLICE OFFICER!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY WERE GONNA KISS! THEY ALREADY HAVE A BROTHER WHO DOES GHATIYA INOPPORTUNATELY TIMED SHAYARI BACK HOME. NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPIDASS FUCKING SHER. 😡😡😡

also, where did the second policeman come from?? 

GO HOME AND SEXXXXXXXX NOW!!!!!!!!!!! 👉🏽👌🏽👉🏽👌🏽👉🏽👌🏽

walk, you spoilt braaaatttt! 🙄🙄🙄

CHAMPA!!!!!!!!! 😇😇😇

lmaooooo anika’s wonderstruck look at her ownnnn hands. such fucking cute. i love her so much. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

lmaoooooo “zindagi bharrrr yeh sunna hoga” suchhhhh a typical husband. 😂😂😂

lol tumhare paas jet THAAA. it crashed, remember? 😋😋😋

LMAO SHE’S SOOOOO ME. SUCHHHH A PATRONIZING SMUGASS BITCHHHHHH. 😂😂😂

awwww look how nervous he is. 😊😊😊

HELLO CHAMPU! 😂😂😂 

she just SHOVED him offffff lmaooooo 😂😂😂😂

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HE’S COVERING HIS FACE!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂

“dono” haha awwwwwwwwww 😙😙😙

“is baare mein kisi ko bataana mat.” 

omgggggggg this adorable fuckerrrrr. 💘💘💘💘

“pair theek se aa rahe hai?“ 

kyun nahi aayenge? utniiiii height toh hai nahi iski. 😋😋😋

lollllllllllllllllllll he doesn’t know what to do with his handsssssssss. 😂😂😂

why the random flashbacks to the #shitia party? 🤔🤔🤔

ouffffff, back to this hellhole. can’t my babies just stayyyyy in the foresttttttttt? 😫😫😫

lmaoooooooo look at him saunter in coooooolllly in the bg. 😆😆😆

UGH. CALM DOWN MUMMEH. HE’S BACK NOW. 🙄🙄🙄

and fuck your passive aggressiveness. 😑😑😑

shivaay’s silent but slightly annoyed “I’M A GROWNASS ADULT” face is my permanant face at my mom. 😐😐😐

mummeh doesn’t appreciate being dismissed like that. 😬😬😬

nor does she appreciate him being a GOOD FUCKING HUSBAND. THERE IS NOTHING I FUCKING HATE MORE THAN THIS DESI CONCEPT OF “JORU KA GHULAM”. IT’S CALLED BEING A CONSIDERATE, LOVING HUSBAND. MAJAAAAAL HAI KI THE PATRIARCHY LET A MAN BE DEMONSTRABLY AFFECTIONATE AND CARING TOWARDS HIS GODDAMN WIFE. 👿👿👿👿

i’ve said it once, i’ll say it again: fuck you very much pinky. please die, thanks. 👹👹👹☠☠☠

god what nonsense. looks like gauri’s bullshit #pativrataness is spreading via air to anika. ugh. LET HIM TOUCH YOUR GODDAMN FEET IF THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS. 😒😒

goddddddd pinkyyyyyyyyyy, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!!!!!! BHOOT KE TARAH MANDARAAA RAHI HAI HAMESHA. 😑😑😑

and he said he doesn’t wanna do the damn pooja. DROP IT, MUMMEH! 😠😠😠

yeah, whatever. good luck trying. now leave. 🙄🙄🙄

“khud ko change karne ki koshish kar raha hoon. mere liye tumhara naam khoon khaandaan TUMSE IMPORTANT NAHI HAI.“ 

excuse me. it’s raining on my face. 😭😭😭

… ”HUMAAAAAAARE LIYE”. SAY IT! SAY IT! 🙃🙃🙃

HAAAAAAAA, HE SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂

“ek dusre ke liye goli khaa sakte hai… toh mom ki gaali khaa hi sakte hai.“ 

lol idk about you shivaay, but i’d rather khaaofy goli rather than mom ki gaali, coz desi moms and their daant is waaaay more emotionally traumatic. 😫😫😫

also, waaaaaaaaaaaaah, i loveeeee himmmmmmmmmm. 😭😭😭

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT MAHI VE CONFIRMED TO BE SHIVAAY KA BHAI 😱😱😱

today’s lb will be put up like… waaaaaay later. :) 

[tarisilmarwen]

“Twin Suns“ Liveblog

Am I prepared?  Not remotely.

Whew boy, this is gonna be a roller-coaster.

...Have I got tissues?

Hang on, I might need tissues.

Okay, ready.

Go.

Oh okay good, we start right with the preview clip that I didn’t watch.

‘cause I was deliberately trying to avoid spoiling myself for anything.

And Maul is just a little unhinged.

Side note:

Maul fans unironically (repeatedly!) compared this scene of Maul screaming obscenities into the desert to Stitch going out into the woods looking for his family.

If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about them, I don’t know what does.

Anyway...

Maul plotting to draw Obi-Wan out by...???  Wrecking shit?  Endangering people?  I guess?

Whatever he’s planning I don’t like it.  Holy toledo Maul is batshit.

He is just... not taking things very well is he?

I think Ezra’s rejection cracked him, guys.

Pulling out the holocron shard...

Hang on... hang on hang on HANG ON IS MAUL DELIBERATELY GONNA SEND THE VISION TO EZRA?

Like he did back in “Visions and Voices?”  When he wanted to let Ezra know he was coming by freaking him out?

Is he gonna lure Ezra into the desert to deliberately endanger him and flush Obi-Wan from hiding?!

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE’S GONNA DO, ISN’T IT?

Oh stars, dear genre-savvy please be wrong please be wrong please be wrong.

aNYWAY here’s the titlecard.

With no fanfare oh wonderful.

I hate this.

Cue nighttime on Atollon.

Awww, sleeping Ezra!

Nice to see that he and Zeb are still sharing a room.

This scene has some great direction and atmosphere going on, A+ animators.

Oooooh and the MUSIC!

Uh-oh, the Sith holocron is glowing.  Bad sign.

Oh shit.

“Senator Organa confirmed his death.”  Ha ha ha yeah, Senator Organa lied through his teeth, Rex.

Lied.  Through his.  Teeth.

“You’ve heard it before and it was just a trick.”  Except it was actually Maul dicking around with Ezra before dropping in to pay him a visit but okay, sure, whatever you say Kanan.

“I wanna go to Tatooine to check things out!”

Oh Ezra.

My precious son.

My sweet little “I will SAVE everyone!” blueberry.

Worried Spacemom is worried and no-nonsense.

This conversation is so sweet.

And it almost looks like Hera will hug Ezra?

Hug please?

Hug?

No?

Awww, no hug.  Drat.

Heh, Ezra being sneaky and tryna grab an A-wing.

And Chopper’s coming along too, natch.

“Hey!  What are you doing?”

HE’S ESCAPING, RANDOM PILOT.  HE’S ESCAPING.

s’how Ezra rolls yo.

AH HA HA HA THE LITTLE SHIT IS PRETENDING LIKE HE CAN’T HEAR.

So precious.

Awww, and apologizing to Hera before he goes.

Spacemom is gonna be so mad when he gets back.

“YOU ENDANGERED YOURSELF AND THE MISSION AND YOU LOST AN A-WING YOU ARE GROUNDED YOUNG MAN GROUNDED!”

Hi Chopper.

Nice touch with Ezra’s startled jump making the A-wing swerve.

Once again, I just love how this scene is staged and directed.

So quiet.

So nice.

And pretty music.

Aaaaaaaand this is where Ezra loses the A-wing.

Only question now is who crunched it.

Oh oh oh oh ominous shadow, not good not good WHO IS THAT IS IT MAUL?

Uh-oh, there’s Sith holocron pieces it’s a trap MAUL TOTALLY LURED HIM THERE.

Tusken Raiders oh joy.  That’s... that’s great.

WHY AM I ALWAYS RIGHT?!

I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEEEEEEEWWWWW IIIIIIIT!

Maul deliberately gave Ezra the vision to lure him there to put him in danger to get to Obi-Wan I HATE BEING RIGHT.

OH CRIPES.

OH JEEZ.

DO NOT HURT EZRA.

Oh shit hi Maul.

Just summarily disposed of the raiders once they were no longer of use to him.

No big.

See, this is why I don’t understand the people who cry about Maul having so much character development.

He’s still a muderdick who uses people like tools to get what he wants.

He only marginally cared about Ezra because he thought Ezra was gonna be swayed over to his side and now that Ezra’s proven he ain’t gonna do that Maul has no compunctions siccing Tusken Raiders on him to bait Obi-Wan.

So like a Sith.

Anyway, Ezra and Chopper are now stranded in the Tatooine desert, how fun.

Uhhh gughhg ghgg DON’T DO THAT MAUL, DON’T BE CREEPY.

Shades of “Visions and Voices”.  Nice.

HA HA HA HA HA THAT SIGH OF EXASPERATION FROM CHOPPER.

“DAMMIT ORGANIC UNIT EZRA BRIDGER YOU ARE GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME.”

*le follows*

And cue sandstorm of course.

I hate you Maul.  I hate you so much.  Why u do this to my blueberry?

Just... just no hesitation.  He didn’t think twice about stranding Ezra in the desert and putting his life in danger to take advantage of Obi-Wan’s compassion.

No, I’m not over it.  Even with everything I thought was gonna happen this episode I DID NOT FORESEE THIS.

WHAT AN ASS.

Ohhhhh oh Ezra no baby no.

Ezra! D:

Chopper!

Ow my heart, Taylor’s acting in this scene is so good.

Side note: holy COW the sand dusting!  I love how it coats everything.

Also:

OW MY HEART.

Ezra “I screwed up again” Bridger everyone.

*sobs quietly*

MAUL, LEAVE EZRA THE HELL ALONE, STOP MAKING HIM HATE HIMSELF.  OH FORCE.

*sobbing not so quietly now*

Ezra...

...

OBI-WAN!

i’M SORRY I NEED A MINUTE IJUSTLAFKSNL--

*GROSS SOBBING*

*blows nose*

I NEED A MINUTE.

...

Okay, back.

AAHHHHHHHF HHHAAAAA OF COURSE OBI-WAN KNOWS HIM.

Many talks with Yoda I presume.

Watch all the fanboys whine about how this messes with canon.  Ha ha no.

Obi-Wan is on record for lying to Luke about Vader.  I think it’s quite within the realm of possibility that he conveniently failed to mention Ezra.

Him and Yoda.

Sorry y’all can’t deal with the fact that the old wise mentor figures lied to their trainee.

The voice they got for Obi-Wan is SO GOOD.

“Where you should never have been.”  HAAAAAAAA.

Small little jab at the canon purists there.

Also, let it be known that Obi-Wan is also on record for stretching the truth to Ezra.

You know damn well that Luke is the key to destroying the Sith, Kenobi.

But he’s gonna go and make it out like Maul was manipulating the answer the whole time.

Which... isn’t exactly wrong, just not the whole truth.

SO like Obi-Wan.

Oh HI HIIIIIII.

HELLO.

YOU’RE STILL CREEPY MAUL.

PLEASE GO AWAY.

Obi-Wan making Ezra leave, aww.

Go blueberry!  Go home!

“See you soon, apprentice.” UUGGGHGGHHHGG GUHHHHG NO.

DON’T YOU DARE, MAUL.

Ohhhhhh, this is good stuff.

Such great dialogue.

Ooooooooh, Maul threatened Luke.

Bad idea.  Baaaaaad idea.

He’s going down.

oh hO HO HO HO HO HO!

This is it guys!

...Wow, that was quick.

Woooooooow okay.

Was kinda hoping for more lightsaber flurries.

Obi-Wan just smacked him down like nothing.

The fanboys and fangirls are gonna be piiiiiiiiised lol.

Actually I kinda like this.

Was hoping Maul would go down like a pussy.

...Almost feel bad for him too, well done show.

Not a lot of fandoms can make me sorry for the villain like that.

Okay, let’s go back to Ezra.

AWWWWWW spacefamily feels!

I love it.

LUKE CAMEO! :D

Aaaaand gorgeous sad music to close us out.

I... I actually really loved it!  Maybe a smidge disappointed we didn’t get a longer lightsaber battle but then, this was never really about that was it?  The time for revenge and grudge matches is past, it’s time for hope and new beginnings.

Think they told a much more meaningful story this way.

...”Zero Hour” is gonna hurt.

[thedaughterofkings]

1, 4, 17, 37

1: Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic. 

Does soulmate fic count?^^°

I’d say a meet-cute fic - that’s certainly typical of a lot of my shorter stuff - just some fluff and humour. Lately I’ve been writing a little longer stuff, and what’s most typical for that is probably slow build! (I think the only fic that has established relationship all the way through and focusses on that is Queen Maeve)

4: How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them? 

Haaaaaaaa - too many!

Okay, one fic that I’m definitely going to write one day is the one I’ve been calling “Stiles is Cassandra” - that is, Stiles tells the truth but no one believes him! Because I’m not going to write a Greek epic, I’m planning to write it as more of a fairy tale, where it is a curse laid upon Stiles or even the entire Stilinski family or something like that. And of course Derek is going to feature as well! :D

A non-Sterek one is the arranged marriage royal AU for Stoyd!

And so many more!!!

17: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? 

From start to finish usually! Sometimes I’ll have an idea for a later scene that gets so detailed that I’ll put it down in words (the last lines of Fully Grown already exist for example :D), but usually I just keep it in the back of my mind until I get to the point where the scene fits. One exception is Pigtails, where this scene was the first to exist but ended up in the middle of the fic in the end:

Between classes, it’s even worse. Stiles gets shoved against a locker at least once a day, Jackson pressed close against him, their noses almost touching, Jackson’s hand wrapped around Stiles��� head. And then Jackson always says something ridiculous like “Careful, Stilinski, wouldn’t want you to hurt your pretty little head,” winks, and leaves. Stiles always has to keep leaning against the locker for a couple more minutes to catch his breath.

37: Talk about your current wips. 

oohhhh I’m excited about my current wips!!

The two most pressing ones are the fic I’m writing for @hyraeth‘s gorgeous art for the Merlin Reverse Bang which I’m super excited about (and have finally actually started putting words to the page instead of just flailing about all my grandiose plans^^) and of course the Resurrection fic! That fic is at 18k currently, two of three resurrections are over and done with and the last one is aaaalmost finished, too! All that fic needs is some aftermath (and some more Sterek) and a major edit by the lovely @ohfuckthisshit because it currently still feels like a bit of a mess^^° But it’s still a mess I’m excited about!!

Then there’s Fully Grown, which really only needs two more chapters or so, so I need to just sit down on my butt and write those chapters! I already know what I want to write, too, so there’s really no excuse^^°

And then there’s the two wips that are almost starting to feel like abandoned fics as much as it pains me to say so: stormy waters, to be free and the yet to be named sciles fic. It’s just been so long since I started writing those that I feel as though my writing style has developed so much since that I almost need to rewrite everything I’ve written for those fics, which is around 20k each! At least for stormy waters I know what’s going to come, the Sciles fic is little more wishy-washy still. But for now I still count them as wips because I’d really like to finish them one day, one way or another!

Everything else hasn’t grown beyond little snippets into anything that could count as a wip! (Except for possibly the twerking!Derek parallel universe fic based on a series of other people’s ficlets with Derek/Kira besties and Allison/Stiles adopted siblings and angst and oh my!)

Send me more numbers, please!

[canecainkane]

Christmas Wedding Planner (2017): first 80 minutes

Okay so listen, I truly cannot cover this whole movie in one review, so I divided it up according to ridiculousness: the first 80 minutes versus the last 5 minutes, which made me shout at my TV more than any other three movies so far this holiday season.

Netflix Description: “A wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a handsome private investigator is hired to disrupt one of her biggest jobs.”

This description? Chock full o’ lies. Let me rewrite this for honesty:

“An apparently unemployed woman who wants to become a wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a ridiculously handsome private investigator is hired to investigate someone, which may disrupt one of her biggest jobs literally the only job she’s ever had as a wedding planner (which she’s doing pretty badly).” 

RATING: 

Candy Canes: w/out last five minutes: 4 out of 5; with last five minutes: 2

Confession: Despite the slew of online reviews calling this the worst Christmas movie ever made, the first 80 minutes almost fooled me. Was it silly, contrived, emotionally manipulative and predictable? Um, that’s what we mean when we say Christmas movie. But until the last five minutes clonked me over the head with a cast iron skillet of stupidity, I didn’t notice how much worse than average it was. I’m a simple woman and I was distracted by the bright, shiny production values, the weird/wonderful costumes and how goddamn glossy everyone’s perfect, perfect hair was.

Dean Cains: with hottie goggles on: 4 out of 5; goggles removed: 2

Let the record show -- I’ve been watching these movies for 25 years, and this is the first one I’ve ever seen with a male lead whom I find even remotely attractive. Slash actually kind of straight-up bangable? Is he an average or better actor? I really can’t even be objective. And triple that for Jacqueline Hudon: I’ve got a weakness for big-eyed coltish redheads. It’s like a chemical reaction. But objectively, the acting was pretty embarrassing ... especially Jocelyn Hudon who moves as compulsively as a hummingbird--twitching, simpering, fidgeting, so awkward and self-affected she’s always, like, a quarter-second away from staring directly at the camera. Whatever. I’ll still watch every Christmas movie she ever makes.

Citizen Kanes: 0 out of 5

The movie is called Christmas Wedding Planner. It was based on a Harlequin novel, and produced, mysteriously, by a company called “Brain Power Productions.” The prosecution rests, your honor.

TOTAL: 8! As long as you fall asleep five minutes before the end, and you happen to perfectly share my passion for Emma Stone-ish women & dudes who look like sexy, stubbly non-custodial parents.

Otherwise, 4. But at least it’s not a boring 4 -- it earns that 4 by being truly, magnificently terrible.

WTF Moments:

*A two-fer with these screenshots: they tell you everything you need to know about the plot AND about Jocelyn Hudon’s aggressive facial mugging. 

Actually, a three-fer: yes, that’s just a straight-up gift-wrapping ribbon tied around her neck for some reason, and no, that’s not the only ... ruffled tea saucer (??????) that’s perched precariously on Kelly Rutherford’s head throughout this movie.

*Seriously, look at this bullshit they stapled to her gloriously glossy mane:

Sorry, babe, but until you evict that garbage crab from your scalp, you don’t get to judge other people’s decisions. (I mean, goddamn, costume department.That is Ms. Lily van der Woodson whose head you are besmirching. How DARE you?)

*My husband and I were trying to solve the mystery of Hallmark’s Charisma-Defying Troupe of Chinless Wonders and my husband put forth the theory: the men aren’t meant to be aspirational. They’re supposed to be exactly handsome enough that the potato-chip chomping, yoga-pants clad Christmas movie binge-ing viewer (self included, obvs) would say: “Yeah, y’know, realistically? I could get with that guy.”

He’s an insightful man. No idea how Stephen Huszan managed to slip through the rigorous hot-but-not-too-hot inspection, but I’m not complaining.

*Also, I just realized why I was immune to the sheer obnoxiousness of Jocelyn Hudon’s acting: I was inoculated from watching Karen Gillan’s almost identical performance in “Selfie.” I simultaneously love that show and die cringe death from the grating over-stylization.

*Of course, no movie would be completely without a cast of intriguing and pivotal side characters! Look at these five quirky characters who are in multiple scenes each! Each bridesmaid has her own distinct personality trait! The hilariously anal-retentive baker! A struggling restaurateur!

Okay now FORGET ABOUT THEM FUCKING IMMEDIATELY, because that’s what the movie does. Seriously, not one of these people has a storyline that comes back. Not even the restaurateur, who is the PI’s best friend / business partner and the caterer of the title wedding. NONE of the characters (including the bride!) has a storyline that goes beyond aiding & abetting the main characters’ love story. The closest we get to a B plot is persnickety baker using Eureka lemons in his cake (the fool!).

These characters have such meager internal lives that even the bride -- the person who gets the third-most screen time -- wanders around in a luded haze, totally ignoring her own (terribly unplanned) wedding so she can chummily grill her bff/cousin/wedding planner about her hot hook-up with said bride’s ex. Which, like, I barely even liked most of my exes while I was dating them, but if a friend of mine hooked up with one of my exes at my engagement party, I would 100% give their full contact information to every Republican candidate newsletter I could dig up.

*But forget the hottie ex-snatching -- bride should be scratching Kelsey’s eyes out for how badly she’s fucking up this wedding. If four days before my wedding, the wedding planner was STARTING to make her “vision board,” I’d be on Kayak booking tickets to Vegas. Drive-thru Elvis > $$$$$ wedding planned by a woman who apparently hasn’t even heard of Pinterest.

The timeline on the planning for this -- I cannot stress enough -- super elegant high society wedding:

8 days before: Throw an engagement party for the bride and groom; talk New York Times writer into covering the wedding and sell them photo rights without a contract

7 days before: Choose the wedding dress; caterer cancels but don’t book a new one -- it’ll probably work itself out; discover the bachelorette party has to be fully re-planned

6 days before: Teach the bride to bake so she can sweatshop up gingerbread wedding favors for 200+ guests; book a new caterer who has never done a wedding before but reassures you that: “yeah,” he “can probably do that”

5 days before: The groom’s parents throw a ... pre-wedding party for all the same guests who were at the engagement party and who will be at the wedding? (Sssshh, don’t think too hard about it.) Show up late and make out with the bride’s ex.

4 days before: Create a vision board for the wedding decor.

3 days before: Eh, the wedding’s pretty much in shape. Spend the day in a white van with binoculars, spying on the groom.

2 days before: Mope on your couch.

1 day before: Whatever.

Day of: Wear your non-matching bridesmaid dress, run a few errands while everyone is already at the church, then drop a truth-bomb that nukes the wedding! Wooooo!

Career self-sabotage, thy name is Kelsey Whatever.

*Though I have to give snaps -- the day-long stakeout was ridiculous, but I was glad that Kelsey and the PI (Hunter? Duncan? Vin? Honestly, he may be hot, but he still tumbled out of the same Cosmic Gumball Machine of Interchangeable Men as the rest of these Xmas hunks) actually spent time together. So often, these couples spill coffee on each other, then meet again in a tree lot, then talk about their dead parents during a snowball fight and it’s LOVE FOREVER after forty non-consecutive minutes together. So I appreciated that they spent a full day together and we could actually see them vibing.

“A Christmas movie couple that actually spends time together!” I thought. “A couple who gets to know each other instead of just ninja-kicking into an ill-conceived relationship!”

Haaaaaaaa. 

*I grabbed this picture of random street musicians because I thought, in my first-80-minutes innocence that this was going to be the most ridiculously extra moment all movie.

But, you know, cheesy Christmas movies are like the days we live: Each one is kind of special but, let’s be honest, mostly similar to what came before. We won’t remember the vast majority of them. They’re filled with mediocre men and cool women. And you never know, going into one, whether it might unexpectedly prove to be the best or worst of your year, or even of your life.