#OH MY GOD SO MANY TAGS AAAAAAA

[xxradzxx]

Examples of Music Video Fandoms

Americas Suitehearts

Danger Days (however this is a multimedia fandom, there's just videos to go along with it)

Saturday

The Ghost of you, apparently??

There are other examples unlisted!!

[shrews-things]

I just realised that if things go according to plan I can get rid of them tits in like 10 days aaaaaaaa

[murkystarlight]

Jesskas and Jetra, both Male and Female Jesse? Is that how I do this?

Uh- not exactly sure what you mean. All four of them? I think you're asking for all four main(?) Jesse ships. I'll do that. So it's Jesskas(m!jesse x Lukas), Jetra(m!jesse x Petra), Lukesse(f!jesse x Lukas) and Jesstra(f!jesse x Petra) right?

Okay so- um.. Oh God- please don't come after me. But uh- look at my reasons. Please at least- I don't know

Jesskas and Jetra is a 'Dislike'

Lukesse and Jesstra is a 'Ok'

Look. I have my reasons! I have a... sort of gag reflex. If I already kind of like something but something else is too overpowering.. I tend to not like it and spit it out. Pretty much everything I've seen was based around those four ships. And honestly I'm not very fond of it. I would've put Lukesse and Jesstra in 'Dislike' too but- I like them a bit more that the other two so- it's in okay(or maybe I'm scared to put all of them in dislike so it's for defence? Lol). now when i say dislike, i don't exactly mean i don't like it! I think they're good ships! Really cute. But if you ask me to read a entire fic based on these ships... I can't. I'm sorry. I mean- there are so many good stuff! Interesting concepts and storylines. Amazing art- but it's just... not for me. I like these ships. But I just don't really connect with them. Maybe cause it's Jesse? I was never good at [character] x reader stories. Or y/n. And Jesse is.. also kind of like you? Same reason for why I like the f!jesse ships better than the m!jesse ones. I'm more find of f!jesse cause that's who I played with my entire life! I only recently started using m!jesse for a few playthroughs. But uh- come at me if you want- I like a good debate- actually. No. Don't come at me- please. I'm scared- god why am I so scared writing this- aaaaaaa

Do I tag this? I don't want to tag the ships. I'm scared- I have no reason to be. But I'm still scared- these are just my own opinions yeah? Y'know?

[nishloves]

moots <3

despite being an e, I'm very awkward on social media and it's hard for me to interact with people who aren't my irl, but surprisingly I made so many friends here (even though we don't talk as much) and that makes me so happy 🥺🩷

noelle; @icyminghao

my first moot <3 I was so excited when you followed me back because I literally loved your works, we haven't talked in a long time but i genuinely adore you and hope you're doing well! and all the dedicated songs made me so happy that you think of me this dearly

sunny; @feat-sun

thankyou so much for supporting me<3 all your comments have uplifted me throughout my tumblr journey and motivated me to post my works, thankyou thankyou <3

kat!; @ksyongi

we just became moots and I don't know you that well but I seriously love your works and had almost squealed when I saw you followed me because you were one of the first accounts I had followed on tumblr<3 hope we can get to know each other better!

@dearharshii

my irl bestie <3

kat; @blackcat2907

I know we haven't interacted a lot, but I love seeing your posts on my dashboard (I used to love pjo too and now am getting back into it again!) I hope in future we can talk more and get to know each other!

kala; @jeonride 🐾

I remember following you because of your immaculate recs and i felt so honoured when you followed me back! almost like a reassurance that my fics are now getting better <3 hope we can get to know each other better soon!

sunny; @sunnylovespickles

I remember following you a long time ago because of kala's recommendations and then doing a happy dance when I saw you followed me back! we haven't interacted much but you seem like a beautiful person and I hope we can get to know each other better<3

aania; @aaniag

thankyou for supporting me so much! it really feels nice to think that you have an audience to write for and an audience to appreciate your works! all your interactions made me so happy <33

may; @som1ig

i can't stress just how much I loved your pjo series and being updated on it! you seem like a very chill person with a very cool vibe and I hope we can get to know each other better! <3 ( spoiler : we did and i love you sm more now aaaaaaa <33333333 )

aznik; @thepoopdokyeomtouched

our first interaction was both of us simping on desi svt and honestly, i found you to be a full vibe since then, thanks for supporting me sm, thanks for liking my fics and interacting with me and thanks for all the motivation you've unknowingly given to me, just- thank you for existing <3

aiden; @gojos-thot-patrol-main

my first anime moot and our first interaction was absolutely nuts- i still go back to #jjk soap opera tag and end up cackling because of how messy every single thing was- not to mention that all your sukuna fics are my guilty pleasure and i literally squealed when i got the notif that you followed me and we're moots now!!! hope we interact more and take care of yourself!

star; @starsstuddedsky

i just can't stress enough how much i am in love with your fics and specially wlih because i had been religiously following it- i love your works and i really really hope that we interact more <3

nora; @woozvc-main

we've just become moots and haven't really interacted a lot but i love your smaus and i'd love to talk with you more <3

mina; @alsktudy

gosh, i really think that your fics are so cute- i really appreciate all the comments, all the reblogs and all the interactions you bestow upon me and you're such an amazing and chill and fun person too! hope we talk more <3

sarah; @kkooongie

we haven't interacted much out of tag games but oh my god your works are so awesome- and your series are literally chef's kiss. awaiting all your upcoming works, you're amazing <3

[bakatenshii]

Hiya! I love your writing and ive been following your blog for a couple of years now (2-3 I think) and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate and adore your writing! Thank you so much for all you’ve written! Ive not been on tumblr much the past few months, and I’ve found that many of my favourite writers are leaving and deactivating their accounts, which is such a pity although completely understandable! Tumblr can be a pretty sucky platform for writers unfortunately :/ anyways I just wanted to thank you for your writing, it’s absolutely gorgeous and your style inspirational! I hope you keep writing, on or off tumblr, as you truly have a gorgeous and unique style! Thank you so much for all your contributions and I hope you’re having a lovely day!!

NONNIEEEEE oh my god oh my god hi hello I am going to sob first and foremost so im gonna get all snotty all over this ask wozooqjzlaozo but thank you so much? genuinely genuinely this means more than u can imagine and I aaAAAAA (being off tumblr and on and off writing ((mostly off oop)) really shows via my decline of the eng language clearly HAHAHA I can’t even articulate properly)

THANK U FOR BEING HERE FOR SO LONG?? AND REMEMBERING ME?? AND JUST. IT FEELS LIKE COMING HOME AND THEN SEEING ALL MY OLD FRIENDS AND THE NOSTALGIA IS A LIL NUCLEAR AND IM JUST SO EMOTIONAAAAAAL AAAAAA

Thank YOUUU for being on here and reading and being so so so lovely to me AND ALSO. im gonna go hide in the tags actually but I owe u my life I am kissing all ur fingers nd toes and maybe lips I’m infinitely happy that ur still here after all this time on this platform, I hope u are having the best day (and the best past few years whilst I’ve been mia <333)

[roadtripwithlucifer]

Oh my goodness! Aaaaaaa oh my god!! I love your works! Please I am a fan! Oh my gooodddddddd

I have read Battle of the Bands, Zero-sum Game, and my Brother's Keeper, and Fool's Gold many times 🥹😭 I still read them every quarter hahahaha when my roadtripwithlucifer-fics need happens.

I hope you know that I love the way you write, I love your stories and how detailed and creative they are 😭😭😭

Thank you so much for all of them!

I also love your Deku and Kacchan in Fools Gold so much 😂 🧡 💚

Wait seriously?! 🫣🫣🫣 oh my gosh thank you so much?! Quarterly?!?! That’s so wild I was literally looking through the bkdk tag and saw your drabbles and found them super charming lmao we are seriously ships in the night…

BUT AHHH I promise I’m going to get back to Fools Gold as soon as I’m done with my current project 🤦‍♀️ I miss their silly goofy time and we were just getting to the spicy part too… alas

Thank you so so so much for reading my stuff!!! I am so flattered and appreciate you so so much!! 🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰

[feuxx]

My "Great things that happened in 2022" list

(in no particular order)

Rejoined tumblr

Still can't believe I'm moots with so many incredible talented people in here what the hell ;w; <3

FINALLY managed to make friends in the merlin fandom (❤️)

Participated in ACBB !!!!!!!!! (THE MOST ICONIC FEST OF ALL TIME)

Had the honor of working with Slantedknitting, one of my most admired writers (❤️)

Passed one (if not the one) of the most important exams in my life

Received SO MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT from you all (💖💖💖)

Still can't fathom it when people say that my art is unique and recognizable and that they love it 😭❤️❤️❤️

Gayble 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Failed to get a bingo but had a grand time with the Merlin bingo fest 🤣

Participated in a DTIYS and had so much fun with it!!!

Grieved with yall about the 10th anniversary of the finale: we were mourning but we were mourning together 😭❤️

A little word to people who have made my 2022 memorable under the cut (in no particular order)

@lauradonnelly : My beloved tas, I can't stress how lovely and important you were to me. I'm not a great conversationalist and I felt bad that our conversations were not great as I was also very shy and not good at keeping a conversation flowing. But that you took the effort to welcome me when I joined tumblr, to dm me and send me messages!! Even though you were so busy with your irl things!!! I wouldn't have so much fun making and keeping a tumblr if it weren't for you. Thank you!!!! <3

@coffee-writes : Cofffeeeeeee 😭❤️😭❤️😭 Words fail me to even begin to unpack how grateful I am to you and how amazing and wonderful you are!!!! I hit the lowest of my lows this year and each time you were there to gently cradle me and hold me as to not let myself fall apart, despite your own struggles!! I'm also so glad that you joined me in the bbc merlin fandom and that we could share an unhinged love for it!!! 🤣💛 I love you so much, thank you!!!!

@insane-ohwhyfandoms : Fyre 🥺💖 Thank you for taking notice of me in sprinter-bot channel, I don't think I'd have have succeeded to make friends in mfbc if it weren't for you welcoming me so warmly!!!! Even now, I feel so blessed that I have such a wonderful close friend in you. I couldn't have foreseen this and each time i think of it, I have this silly smile on my face at the thought. Thank you for you! <3

@glaftwlet : Hi dear!! You didn't know this but to me, you were one of the first to call me by name in the merlin fandom and it made me go "oh my god people know me? people remember me???". It was at a moment in my life where I felt very lonely and I really needed it. I can't explain how giddy and excited i was for the whole day, knowing that someone were aware and took notice of me. It may have been inconsequential to you but it meant everything to me. so thank you <3

@arthursknight : Cee!! Love of my life, light of my days, I could not imagine a world where I wouldn't have the honor and the pleasure of meeting you. I'm so so so glad that you sent me that friendship shot. Your love and gentle comprehension really helped me back in the summer this year. I'm so so so so lucky that the universe let us cross our paths and that I got to know you. (Also you're the hottest person alive so xxxxx 😘💖)

@aemelia : I know we joke around but truly i admire your passion and commitment to The Book of Merthur. You're one of the funniest, sassiest of the people i know on here and i love receiving your messages and partake in the salt you spread. It makes my life more fun! 🤣💖

@excited-insomniac : Hi sophie 🫶 You're one of my favorite authors of ALL TIME and frankly I do NOT get why you're not more famous in the fandom. Everything you write is incredible!!!! And I'm incredibly honoured and flabbergasted that we've been talking, and becoming friends!!!! Like!!!!!!!! aaaaaaa 🫶🫶🫶🥺💛💛💛

@aithusar : Hi Loaf!! 🥰 Honestly i half-fell out of my chair when I noticed that you followed me. You're such a cool person and that you regularly rb and leave incredible tags make me blush each time!!!! It's like knowing someone is a Taste Haver and then they like your bullshit???? Like holy fuck perhaps I am doing something right. Additionally, i was stupid, ignorant even, about the beauty and importance of gifs. and then i saw the light (your gifs) and holy fuck 🛐🛐🛐 i was Changed after that.

@burglarhobbit : Liz 🥺💛!!!!!!! My love!!! You're legit one of my favs!!! (favorite person, favorite writer, favorite reason to stay awake, you name it). I'm so happy that 2022 brought you to me and I couldn't be happier and luckier that we've become friends. 😭💕🫶

@mykingdomcomeundone : Honestly we have not talked much but seeing you in my notifs was always a daily highlight. You were my "blorbo from my dash" 🤣💖 Thank you for making me smile!!!

@nextstopparis Hi Roya 🫶 I'm but a humble admirer of you. You have the best tags, your takes are all right, and your edits kill me inside but they fuel me at the same time. I wish you the best new year that you possible can have, despite everything and all life circumstances that there may be. 💕

@queerofthedagger hi love 💕One of my highlights this year was seeing that you followed me! To say that I was "immensely flattered" is an understatement. 😭🫶🫶🫶 I'm so honoured to be moots with you and each time i see that you rb something from me or even tag it "prev" i die inside a bit (of happiness 🫶). Happy new year and thank you for the love!!!! 😭💕💕💕🥰

[remyfire]

I recently finished Dear Sigmund and it just made me want even m o r e for Sidney to have more screen time! Seeing the 4077th through his eyes was such a fun little change of pace, as well as seeing the way he comes to them for comfort 🥺 Regardless of whether you view it as platonic or romantic, it's so obvious he loves everyone there! And while we're on the topic of characters who deserved more: Captain Sam Pak. I know he was only in two episodes, but he was wonderful in both of them! I loved the exchange between him and Sidney in Deal Me Out, just the easy "that's my wife!" "Interesting joke there, Sam" "Thanks for seeing me, Sidney". I wish we had more Sid, I wish we had more Sam, and I also wish we had more of them together.

And thanks so much for the rec! I've only recently been getting into the fic side of things, so I haven't come across their work yet, but I'm sure it would only have been a matter of time. (Aka I have Sidney's Ao3 tag open on my phone right now) I took a quick scroll through their collections, and read a short BJ/Hawkeye/Peg piece since I had a couple spare minutes, and I think the recommendation is right up my alley! I'm really not gonna have to search for fics for the rest of the week with all that you've provided me 😅

DEAR SIGMUND MY BELOVED!!!! AAAAAAA I love that one so MUCH, I go back to it often. Brilliant work from Alan all around, writing, directing, acting, all of it. God, the way he just saw the characters is so fascinating. I'm so glad you enjoyed it so much!! God, Sidney fits into the camp so well, really just matches their pace and rhythm as easily as he sinks into the background to observe them. He does love them, you're so right. You're gonna love some of his upcoming episodes, I think. War of Nerves in S6 is a lot, but it's wonderful.

Also Sam is the fucking love of my life. Canon also wrote a really interesting Hawkeye/Sam chapter for a multiauthor collab fic called The Famous 4077th Dog Tag Party, which I definitely recommend if you enjoy Sam to that degree, because my goodness, he's such a fucking delight as a POV character in it!! But even beyond that, Sam and Sidney give me such old married couple vibes, like, they're usually surrounded by all these 20- and 30-somethings, so I feel like they found each other as men in their mid-40s and were just like oh, thank GOD, and things went from there. I am yet again exposing myself as a shipper to the core, oops.

I am usually very shy about self-reccing fics, but since you've mentioned you loved Dear Sigmund and also a fondness for Sam and Sidney, I'm gonna give you a couple, if that's all right:

—I'd Give Up Forever to Touch You: This is BJ/Sidney-centric with BJ/Hawkeye developing in the background of the narrative, but I offer it specifically because "Dear Sigmund" plays a large role in how BJ and Sidney interact in it. It's a forced proximity romance that also selfishly lets me play on a favorite trope of mine—only one bed—and I loved writing it so much that I have so many thoughts about a potential sequel that might let me lean into more of those polyam feelings

—To Be Kissed Upon the Eyes: This is a Sam/Hawkeye/Sidney fic with an established Sam/Sidney relationship. I wrote it because, yes, I really love their dynamic even if we only get a single episode of it, but also because I wanted to dig into how I view my iteration of Hawkeye's complicated relationship with sex. Getting the excuse to make Hawk the center of very affectionate, fond attention and give him a little bit of healing was just exquisite for me to write

Again, no pressure to read either of those!! But you might enjoy them :) I hope you enjoy your continued watchthrough too!! I feel like I've been seeing a lot of people diving in for the first time recently

[leyyvi]

SCREAMS INTO THE ABYSS, RATTLES THE BARS TO MY CAGE, BITES MY FINGERRRSSSSSS.

Oh my god, thank you times a fucking million for updating paychecks today ❤❤ (this year has been super fucking rough so it was nice to turn my brain off for awhile, so thank you ❤) the chapter was very good, having a good balance of other characters then Levi and reader was super nice. (And because I saw your tags on an earlier post) proud that you were able to get this huge chapter out! As someone who also writes, sometimes it's just so hard to get your hands to work with your brain 😭😭 this chapter was so cute, I feel all mushy inside 😭 so many smooches, but fuck me I get it. Gotta make up for lost time, and who tf wouldn't wanna kiss levi????

Thank you again for the chapter! I hope your holiday season has gone well!!🙂

AAAAAAA omg you're so sweet i'm gonna start bawling istg. i'm sorry your year was so rough but im glad you were able to turn your brain off!! AHHH thank god it was decently balanced in your eyes, always worry about doing too much of other characters or just levi 😭 ugh yes you're so right about getting your hands to work with your brain :') thank you SO SO SO much for the sweet msg i appreciate you sm ;o; <333 SENDING U MUCH LOVE i hope ur holidays went well too!!!

[thegreenishhues]

AAAA thank you for the tag starri I totally didnt forget to do this shhhhhhhhh

1. Who is/are your comfort characters?

All of the qsmp eggs my absolute beloveds <3333333

2. Lighter or matches?

matches ig???

3. Do you leave the window open at night?

yes whenever its nice enough out!

4. What cryptyd being do you believe in?

bigfoot (/j)

5. What color are your eyes?

Brown yippee we matching starri >:D

6. Why did you do that?

Im not sorry

7. Hair ties or scrunchies?

Hair ties :D

8. How many water bottles are in your room?

3 I think XD

9. Which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

Hot coffee although I really like both

10. Would you slaughter the rich?

I will consider it

11. Favorite extra curricular activity?

I did one called Art Around the world once upon a time and I really liked it!

12. What kind of day is it?

decent :)

13. When was the last time you ate?

oh like a few hours O.O

14. Do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

HELL YEA

15. Are you a parent? (All answers qualify)

I have a dog so yes

16. Can you drive?

I can do anything once

17. Are you farsighted or nearsighted?

Nearsighted

18. What hair products do you use?

Shampoo, conditioner, and leave in conditioner (not sure if thats what it is but sure) because it makes my hair soft

19. Imagine were at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

Yes but it will be a mess

20. Do you say soda or pop?

Soda because 'murica

21. Something you’ve kept since childhood?

My stuffed animals (same as starri)

22. What type of person are you?

Difficult to answer questions but I am definitely on the less energetic side, fairly outgoing, I do a lot of art stuff, pretty gay, a nerd in the sense of I play and watch a lot of minecraft?

23. How do you feel about chilly weather?

Yes to a point but also no because where I live it can get down to like -40 celsius sometimes and that is to cold

24. If we were on a rooftop together what would you do?

Are these questions coming from OP or the person who tagged me because it depends? I wouldn't be on a roof with you OP because you are a stranger <3

25. Perfume/body spray or lotion?

Perfume C:

26. A scenario you’ve replayed multiple times in your head?

God I don't know, my first interactions with mutuals tend to replay in my head a lot XD

27. About how many hours of sleep did you get?

8-9 yippee!!

28. Do you wear a mask

no :)

29. How do you like your shower water?

warm/hot

30. Is there dishes in your room?

yes...

31. What type of music keeps you grounded?

Most of my music is somewhere in the folk indie section :D

32. Do you have a favorite towel?

No??

33. The last adventure you’ve been on?

I went to a conference recently and far overestimated my ability to interact with humans 24/7 for 4 days XD I would call that an adventure

34. Is there a song you know every word to by heart?

Too many but also let it go from frozen one because childhood lmao

35. What’s your time zone?

not going to share that :P (some of my moots know but not just moots have access to public posts so no. <3)

36. How many times have you changed your url?

once only a few months after I made my twitch, haven't changed it since

37. Someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve know for 10+ years?

Oh god, no one really ;-; there are a few people I've technically known my whole life but I'm not close to any of them, damn I hate moving.

38. A soap bar that smells good?

Any fruit or flower scented ones :)

39. Do you use lip balm?

Not often

40. Did you have any snacks today?

I had a muffin!

41. How do you like your coffee?

typically just black because I am in a family full of bland monsters /lh

42. An app you frequent besides this god forsaken site? discord, twitch, youtube, and pinterest!

43. What’s your take on spicy food?

I love it so much AAAAAAA

44. You get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

no one probably. killing someone isnt the best way to resolve any conflict in my opinion (yes, there are exceptions)

45. Can you remember what happened yesterday?

Not much XD I played a lot of minecraft and spent the morning with friends :D

46. Favorite holiday film?

WALLEEEEEEEEEEEE

47. What was the last message you sent?

"Alright!"

48. When did you first try an alcoholic beverage?

When I was fairly young my grandma gave me some of her wine as a toast to my late grandpa I think

49. Can you skip rocks?

Sometimes

50. Can I tag you in random stuff? Absolutely!! although sometimes I will be an idiot and forget to respond for a while so my apologies

going to retag some lovelies tbw :D @lilghostlettuce @sarcastictissy @tiger-willow @theivorycoloureddonut @ssmartliineemartline @annimator @alteiriaa anyone else feel free to join!!

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

[danniburgh]

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 23

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +6.4k

Chapter warnings: lmao angst and then fluff, a brief mention of food, and drugs and a dog.

A/N: This chapter is set after season three. // aAAAAAA this is so long i dont even why but it took me like ALL day FUCK FUCK FUCK anyway thanks to all my babies that got me through the desperation of wanting this to write itself lmao, also two chapters and we are DONE with the main story holy shit

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gifs: @pascalsky

Javier groaned when he sat up and moved his legs to get them out of the bed and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand; three forty-eight in the morning. He turned on the lamp, reached at his nape and scratched with blunt nails and reached for the pack of smokes that he left on the nightstand before laying down to try to sleep with the other hand.

He pulled the last one out of the pack and stood up to throw the empty carton in the trashcan near the door; he eyed the empty pack from the day before in the bottom of the can with the cigarette clinging to his lips thanks to near dry spit making them sticky and let out a deep sigh.

It wasn’t working.

His tongue moved to shift the cigarette from his lips and he let it fall inside the trashcan, knowing it wouldn’t be the last one he put between his lips, but at least he didn’t light it.

Javier thought of getting out of the room and raiding his dad’s bar again, but he knew it wouldn’t do him any good.

It wasn’t working.

He knew it, and it couldn't be denied any longer. He wasn’t getting any younger and his old ways weren’t helping him forget as they used to ten or fifteen years before.

Javier walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, letting his half naked body fall backwards on the mattress and looking at the ceiling, he felt his hand twitch and he felt it empty without a nicotine stick firmly pressed between his index and his thumb but did nothing to calm it down.

Ten or fifteen years before: had it really been that long? Javier huffed at nothing and scratched his chest, leaving his hand there, uselessly wondering what would it be of him if he did something different; incidentally working through years and years of missteps, mishappens, mistakes, and shaping them in some other way that would have saved him from five months of poor sleep and constant drunkenness, five months of chain-smoking and lack of sharpness, five months of only remembering the bad things he had done and the bad things he deserved.

He huffed again because of course his retirement wouldn’t be him sitting on a porch to enjoy the evening Texas breeze and a glass of scotch; even if he had tried it.

It was having nightmares every third night he wanted nothing but to shove deep inside his head, but that then, reluctantly, he had to tell his new therapist his dad had forced him to go to.

It was having to remember all the men he saw dying every time he heard the words war or coke or shooting. Having to remember them changing and fighting and dying for a cause he wasn’t sure if he still believed in. Having to remember Carrillo every time he and Steve talked on the phone.

It was remembering you each time someone sent him a letter congratulating his work or asking for consultation or asking for an interview; because he had an idea of what you had been through and he was sure he didn’t deserve all that claptrap. He did nothing but cause chaos and destruction and death and even though his therapist said it wasn’t his fault he knew it was because he aided for it to happen.

But you? You did everything you could to find yourself a way to recover what was yours, and you still lost it.

Javier sat up again and after six exact seconds of consideration, he leaned forward and opened his nightstand drawer. He took the black tape he had been clinging to for five months and held it in front of him for a couple of minutes.

He chuckled at himself and gripped the small cassette, took from the drawer his tape player, pressed the red button for it to open, let the tape fall in the slit and closed it, turned it on and rewinded the tape, trying to make the calculations in his head of how many times he had repeated that process as the tape ran to the beginning.

He put the headphones on, laid down back on the bed and pressed play.

“Hi, Javi, uhm…”

God, how he missed you.

The phone rang again, fuck the phone, you thought, and hid your face under a pillow, trying to fall asleep again despite the clear signal that you were no longer sleepy.

And the phone rang again, you lifted your head from the cocoon of pillows and eyed the clock on your nightstand, who was calling you at five seventeen in the morning?

Grunting, you got out of the bed and walked out of the bedroom to the small space that made your living room, dining room and kitchen and got to the phone.

“Hello?” your voice was a deep groan, and you cleared your throat.

“Another letter came for you, when are you gonna change your address?” your dad’s voice broke through the receiver and you closed your eyes, breathing in and out the stress it was already provoking in you.

“I’ll get to it, dad,” you replied “are you gonna send it to me or can I go to the house?” you questioned, feeling already your lower lip tremble.

“I’ll send it, your mom doesn’t wanna see you yet,” he let out in a stern voice “sorry, pumpkin.” he whispered and hung up the phone.

You sat on the armrest of the loveseat next to the phone and let your tears fall from your eyes, not even bothering about cleaning them anymore.

You sighed and nodded to yourself, letting your tired gaze roam around your tiny living space and you missed the openness of your family house, the one you had come back to and were expelled from by an angry mother that felt ashamed of the truth you told them.

But you had to give it to her, she didn’t even know you went down to Colombia, or that you’d been having drug issues, or that they fired you.

She had told you she didn’t know who you were anymore.

Neither did you.

So you left, they couldn’t be more disappointed in you than you were in yourself, so you walked out as your mom wanted and tried to find a home for yourself as you still wondered what the hell were you supposed to do. There wasn’t a handbook or a protocol that taught people how to stop being a DEA agent, the government didn’t train people to go back to civility or even offered a program to forget all the shit you had lived in the places they had sent you.

You stayed in your hometown, unknowingly to your old friends and twenty minutes away from your parent’s home and didn’t leave your house unless absolutely necessary; Albuquerque wasn’t a small town, but it wasn’t big, and you were dreading walking past someone who knew you before you had lost yourself and tried to explain all your baggage, you didn’t have the time, or the energy. And you didn’t want people feeling sorry for yourself, with the woman in the mirror you had enough.

Everything seemed pointless, and you felt heavy all the time, as if you were carrying a chain ball in each foot and shackles in your hands while being dragged down by quicksand.

In the kitchen's corner you saw the last two boxes you still didn’t have energy to unpack after moving them across the continent and let out a teary sight as you stood from the armrest and walked to them.

You opened the first box and saw it filled with office clutter; pencils, markers, some notebooks and notepads, the brown journal you had been looking for to burn on your stove; a set of keys you weren’t sure what they opened and in the bottom, folded pieces of paper.

“Oh, no.” you muttered to the air of the warm kitchen and you doubted reaching in for it… The hesitation lasted two minutes but for you it was like two hours, you knew what it was, you knew why it was in that box and when you took it it felt hot and heavy. You were holding feelings in that letter, you were holding hours of shed tears and memories you didn’t want to have anymore. Memories that still haunted you whenever you smelled roasted colombian coffee and saw an ad of Malduros on tv.

You didn’t open it. You knew what was written there. And for a few seconds you thought of burning it on the stove instead.

“Well, I don’t want this, might as well send it.” you muttered under your breath, recognizing it would do you some good to stop holding to it, acknowledging it would do you some good to know he had it. If he wanted to rip it into millions of pieces or burn it or toss it in the trash or eat it, it was his problem.

You bit your lip as you walked to the phone; you hadn’t thought of him in a while. But as you sat on the loveseat all the shit you wanted to bury if not get rid of came back to your mind like a high wave of a rough sea; sharp, cold, gritty.

“Shit.” you gasped, trying to breathe in and out several times because you didn’t want to cry. It was too early for crying.

You grabbed the phone and thought who could have Javier’s address. God, even thinking of his name made your chest flutter and your stomach churn. You had fooled yourself into thinking he didn’t have an effect on you anymore, into even assuring five months was enough to forget him. What a fool.

You dialed the number of the only person you knew for sure knew the address by heart; the phone rang three times before it was answered.

“Hello?” a sleepy nasal voice greeted, and you smiled through the few tears that had accumulated in your eyes, grateful that he still had his embassy issued cell phone.

“Stod!” your smile was making your cheeks hurt, and you wondered in the back of your head when was the last time you had smiled.

“Who’s this? Flor?” he asked and you let out a stiff chuckle. You decided not to be a huge asshole and dump something heavy as your actual name that early in the morning, so you went with it.

“Yeah, sorry to call at this hour, did I wake you?” you played with the edge of the loveseat’s armrest.

“Kinda,” a noise of shuffle was heard “but it’s almost seven here, so I’m not that mad,” he teased, making you chuckle again “how are you? to what do I owe the honor?”

“Uhm, I–‌I’m calling to take advantage of you,” you said, hearing his chuckle through the line and a whisper of of course you did, “by any chance do you know Peña’s address in Texas?” you asked, closing your eyes and crossing your fingers, wishing for him to not ask:

“Why?”

“I–‌I have something of his...” you mumbled under your breath “I just found it and I wanna send it.” you said, which wasn’t technically a lie.

“Uh…” Stoddard hesitated, and you heard a faint of a pouring noise in the back that made you sigh, a cup of coffee would do you wonders, “well I do–I don't know if I’m allowed to just say it, y’know?” you frowned.

“Oh, come on, please?” you pleaded, your leg started bouncing because of the anxiety that was growing in your chest.

“What is it? is something important?” he asked.

“Super important,” you nodded even though he couldn’t see, “he needs it.”

“How do you know?” he questioned again, and you whined under your breath.

“Uhm, I ju–‌I just know, uhm…” since when were you a twitchy, nervous mess? “can’t you just tell me?”

“Not really, no.” he muttered in that voice that made you want to punch him and hug him at the same time.

You let out the air of your lungs and controlled your body.

You had promised yourself to tell the truth when it was necessary. So you were going to.

“Look, Stod, this is long to explain, okay?” you began, and he hummed affirmatively in response, “the only thing you need to know is that the thing I have here is very important that he gets because he needs to know that I kept it for him.” you said, closing your eyes again.

“Flor you just told me nothing.” he let out, his voice was being muffled and it sounded like he had something in his mouth.

“Fuck, Stoddard, I love him, okay?” you let out “and this thing I have is a letter that I need him to have so he knows I love him!” you panted and bit your lip when he didn’t answer.

You just had said out loud you loved someone, you just had said to someone you loved Javier Peña for the first time. Shit.

“Oh,” Stoddard said after a moment and you held your breath, “you have where to write?”

“You’re a fucking king!”

Six hours later, you wanted nothing else but to turn the fucking car around.

“This is a mistake, this is a fucking mistake!” you yelled inside your car, opening the glove box to toss there your sunglasses. The highway 285 was eternal, and you hated driving through it; it was empty, there was nothing but desert landscapes and the occasional tree, but you were halfway, just crossing the state border and there was nothing in the everlasting earth that would make you drive back home, not even your fucking hesitation, not even your self-doubt.

“What the fuck am I gonna say?” you asked yourself again, chewing on your lower lip and gripping the steering wheel, “am I just pulling on his driveway and knocking on his door and saying hi I’m sorry I broke your heart I have a letter for you? Fuck!” you saw the beginning of yet another town and you drove slowly looking for a gas station, “or better yet, I read this shit to him to complete the humiliation!” you turned your head for a second at the letter resting easily in the co-pilot’s seat and you groaned, finding a gas station. You were also hungry.

With the car’s tank full and a plastic bag filled with snacks for the remaining six hours, you sighed to yourself and started driving again.

“You’re doing this because you need closure,” you told yourself, shoving your hand into a bag of salted chips and bringing three to your mouth “if he doesn’t wanna see you, too bad, he’s gonna miss your haircut,” you mumbled, chewing at the same time “you leave the letter and let him decide what to do with it.”

With the highway 285 long behind you and the sky just beginning to turn orange, you had convinced yourself of your own reasons and you even had a plan to go back home as soon as you were done in Laredo. You also had promised yourself and all your Muertos, you wouldn’t react to Javier Peña if he didn’t react to you and as you had learned in your three-year station in México, you can’t break a promise you made to dead people.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you said when the marked map told you you were a block away from the Peña’s ranch house, you were chewing the last bit of a nearly melted chocolate bar you had bought hours ago as your nervousness betrayed you and you started chuckling at your impulses, “holy fuck, I wanna go home!”

But you were already there. The gate was open and there were two trucks parked on the driveway. So you sucked everything you were feeling, and you turned off the ignition. Fuck. It.

You breathed in and out several times before you unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbed the letter and opened the door. You did it again as you walked the gravel path to the house and were grateful it was already dark, so at least the night could help you hide until the last second.

You stopped walking, rationality coming back to you.

“What the fuck am I doing?” you whispered to yourself and turned around, shaking your head as you walked back to the car.

“Mija!” you heard behind you, you froze in place and stiffened at the sound of a thick accent in a rough and warm voice.

“Oh, no.” you said under your breath.

“It’s you!” you turned around, and you saw the face of the man you had only met through an old picture Javier carried with him at all times. “viniste.” (you came) behind him walked a black, large dog that ignored the man and huffed at you.

“I’m sorry?” your voice went out thin and high, and you wanted to chastise yourself for it. You had given yourself a seven-hour pep talk on the way, and you were already breaking.

“I told him,” the man rolled his eyes behind the glasses he was wearing and gestured for you to walk closer “Jesús Peña, nice to finally meet you,” he extended his hand to you and you took it and shook it, the dog got closer to you and smelled your legs, you tried to smile at him and at the dog but tears were already gathering inside your eyes “le dije que ibas a venir a buscarlo.” (I told him you’ll come looking for him)

“I’m sorry, Mr. Peña, I–‌I do–‌”

“Mr. Peña nada,” he interrupted, “call me Chucho,” you nodded and sniffed slightly “ven,” (come) he gestured again and started walking towards the house, “Pepe, métete.” (get inside) he called, and the dog trotted to his side.

“Wait, Chucho, wait!” you called him under your breath as you followed him, he didn’t stop.

“Come on in,” he opened the house door and waited for you to get inside. He nodded his head for you to walk in and you frowned.

“You don’t even know who I am, what ar–‌”

“I know enough,” he said solemnly, walked inside and you and the dog did too and he pointed to an armchair “siéntate, mija, he’s on the back.” he turned around and walked through an archway to what it looked like the kitchen and disappeared through a door, Pepe behind him.

“What the fuck.” you sobbed out, knowing you had little time to leave the letter you were clutching in your hands on the coffee table in front of you and walk out and leave for good. But you couldn’t move, you were in Javier’s house and you wanted to stop being there, but your body was frozen in place and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You wanted to scream at yourself, at your fucking impulses; you had all the opportunities to turn around and go back home, why didn’t you listen to your logical, rational, always right brain?

“Hi.” you heard behind your back and you covered your mouth with the hand that wasn’t holding the fucking letter.

You turned around and blinked the first two tears of what you already knew was going to be a sea of them.

He was wearing the red shirt. And God, it was his color.

Javier wanted to run away and hide.

He had just made peace with never seeing you again; he had just accepted that the only part he would have of you was that voice mail you had left him months before. But there you were, teary and gorgeous in front of him. Shaking and with your hands holding a piece of paper as if it were your lifeline.

His head was a contradiction, because he wanted to grab you and hug you all the same he wanted to grab you and shove you out of his house and his life.

“What are you doing here?” Javier asked, knowing deep inside him he wanted to tell you how good you looked and how much he liked your new hair. You let out a shaky breath at his deep voice. You had missed it.

It was the first time you saw him in five months, and the weight of your feelings for him fell again on your shoulders like a recently broken off boulder, heavy, rough edged and shapeless.

“I don’t know.” you answered truthfully, he sighed and deviated his eyes from you, you breathed in heavily and the only thing that got into your lungs was his essence. You cursed under your breath and he huffed, putting his hands on his hips and leaning to the side.

“How d'you found me?” he questioned, and you huffed through the tears.

“I have my resources.” you let out on a whisper. Trying to find his eyes, you needed to see his eyes.

“What do you want?” Javier asked again, and you deflated at the tone of his voice. The rational part of your brain yelled I told you so at your feelings and you knew it was right, you were expecting too much of yourself and of him.

“See you,” you bit your lower lip and Javier saw from the corner of his eyes how you scrunched up your nose, and he felt something inside his chest flutter, hating and loving all the same how much of you he still had stored inside his memory, “I have something for you.”

“Keep it.” he let out. You shook your head and raised your hand with the letter on it.

“Read it.” you half ordered, half pleaded, Javier chuckled and then shook his head, mimicking you.

“I don’t want it.” he knew he was lying to himself, he wanted to know what it was, he wanted to grip it and smell the paper and read it over and over but his body wasn’t responding to what his feelings were telling him and only responded, almost in automatic, to his prideful side, to that side of him that still resented you and himself.

“Alright then,” you said, standing straight after realizing you had regained the ability to read him even through your tears, and understanding there was something he was struggling with, “I’ll read it.”

“Stop.” Javier frowned and looked at you, his eyes pleading for you to do something you couldn’t decipher.

“I know, okay?” you said, trying to reassure him and yourself “I know I’m in no position to ask for shit,” Javier dropped his hands to the sides “but I just want ten minutes, just ten of your life, and you’ll never have to see me again if that’s what you want.”

You knew it was a risky thing to say, but you needed him to know, you needed him to understand you because you knew and he knew you did understand him. And he needed to know you. You and your version.

He said nothing, you took it as his queue to start so you breathed in deeply and unfolded the letter.

“Stop.” Javier said under his breath.

“No,” you wiped a tear off your cheek “I wrote this when I went back to Colombia after I got fired,” Javier looked at you and you saw his face quirk in something close to pain “uhm, before I wrote this I drove around Bogotá,” you recalled that last day in the city and how much it pained you to be there, “I went–‌I went to some of the places you told me you liked” you tried to smile and dropped your eyes to your shoes, trying to find something to cling to and compose yourself “even that little cafe you told me about, near the palace of justice, remember?” you sobbed out. And he called your name. Making you gasp.

“Stop,” you looked up at him and saw him frowning, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, “we don’t need this.”

“I do!” you let out, Javier brushed his lips with his thumb and felt his hand twitch in need of nicotine again “I need to tell you all this!” you wiped your tears away again “I need closure!” you cried out.

Javier felt his stomach turn around and all the blood of his body went to his feet. Fuck. 

How could he had been so stupid? he got into his own feelings too much and he forgot that you had cried your eyes out to him all those months ago when you handed him everything you were in a couple of manila folders. He had gotten wrapped by his own feelings and the hurricane your declaration had created in his life that he had forgotten just how much you were suffering as well. Because he might have thought about you; all the time, every day; he thought about your past and your reasons and motivations. He even thought of you naked on his bed in Colombia, under his body, moaning and gasping when he needed some release, but he forgot to think about your feelings.

“I didn’t come here to ask for forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it,” you said and Javier felt the wetness of a tear escaping his eye and making its way through his cheek, “I’m trying to get closure, Javier, please let me try.”

Javier nodded.

You cried more when you saw him brush a tear off with his thumb and chew the inside of his mouth. You wanted to run away; you were sure he was better before you came to his house and disrupted his peace; you were hurting him again, and you wanted to kneel in front of him and ask him for what you said you weren’t seeking. He made you want so much.

You sniffed and dropped your eyes to the open letter in your hand, Javier didn’t move from where he was standing.

“No amount of guilt will or can change the past,” you began, Javier crossed his arms on his chest and saw movement to his side, “that much I know. I kno–‌know that it doesn’t matter,” you sniffed again and Javier turned his head to watch the dog casually walking towards him and sitting next to his boots. You saw it too, and you let out a sad chuckle.

“Ignore him.” he just said. You nodded.

“Uhm, it doesn’t matter how much I apologize, or how many I’m sorry’s I mouth, forgiveness doesn’t come for free.” you didn’t want to lift your eyes to see him, so you continued.

Javier only saw you reading him something he was sure you had poured your heart into, and he wanted nothing but to hear what you wanted to say to him, but he couldn’t focus into listening, because there you were, again in front of him doing what he never dared to do.

Opening your fucking chest, taking your heart out and giving it raw to him.

“...knowing and realizing and acknowledging just how much I love you.”

Javier drowned a gasp, as he fell in love with you all over again, you were doing what he didn’t have the balls to do, because in his sleepless sleep he wanted to look for you, in the middle of his idle nights, just after waking up after a nightmare, he wanted to find you and go to you and tell you whatever the fuck he could to be back with you. But he never did, he never did because he was a coward, because he feared his own feelings so fucking much.

He couldn't hear anything of it after your declaration of love. God, how much he loved you. You were standing there, with your eternally hopeful eyes filled with crystalline tears and several pages of written feelings. And he realized, there, with you in the middle of his living room, shifting to the next page, that even though you were extremely similar, you were also very different.

“...with you I found a reason to give up after all the shit I've lived in…” you muttered and he found the differences inside him; you were braver than him, you were smarter and more connected with what you felt; you weren’t scared of your feelings as he was. You went for what you wanted and even though it had been five months of that dreadful day when he saw his heart squeezed out of his body by your hesitant hand, that day he still replayed inside his head when the day was just over and his brain was floating between sleep and awakeness, he still wondered why you were bothering.

“There were so many things I thought…” you kept reading as he wondered if it was possible for the two of you to connect with each other outside of shared trauma and sympathy for each other’s experiences. But he answered to himself that even if you two weren’t as emotionally available as you needed to be to build a relationship or if you both were having a hard time adapting to be and live out of the system, maybe the love was real.

You stopped reading after noticing he was just standing there with his arms crossed and his eyes on you but not seeing you; you wiped the last of your tears and chuckled bitterly to yourself. Making him blink a few times.

“Fuck this,” you crumpled the pages in your hands and dropped them on the coffee table, shaking your head. Javier frowned, “it doesn’t matter what I read, I shouldn’t have come.” you said, drowning your sobs and gasping for air. He wasn’t paying attention, and nothing about it was making you feel any better about anything.

“What?” Javier whispered, dropping his hands to his sides.

“A’right, then…” you didn’t look at him and tried to control your breathing again “I guess that’s what I wanted to do,” you walked to the door and opened it, Javier wanted to ask what the fuck was happening, he wanted to grab your arm and stop you as he didn’t do it when you were leaving his office back in Colombia “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Javier,” he winced slightly involuntarily at the way you sobbed out his name “I’ll go.”

You walked out of the house covering your mouth with your hand to muffle your sobs, your rational brain was right, it was a mistake; it was a complete and utter mistake, and you were so ashamed of yourself for even thinking it would change anything. You walked to your car feeling the sharp, stinging sensation of a migraine settling in your head. You heard steps behind you and you turned around slowly, not wanting to put hope on the source being Javier.

“Mija,” you look at Chucho trying to catch up with you, “¿a dónde vas?” (where are you going?)

“I’m going home.” you said, shrugging at the man when he stopped in front of you.

“Why?” he asked, frowning.

“Because he said nothing, Chucho,” you bit your lip and looked at the Texan night sky and huffed at yourself, “he said nothing.”

“But he wants you, mija!” he assured you, and you shook your head several times.

“If he wants me as you say,” you pointed towards the house behind him, “then how come I’m not with him?” you reasoned, “he doesn’t want me.”

You dropped your eyes to the gravel path as Chucho sighed and raised his hand to squeeze your shoulder just enough for you to feel less sad. Just how a father would do.

Chucho glared at the house, the door open and Pepe standing in the threshold; his son had been back for months, he had been living next to him, eating next to him, working next to him and breathing next to him just as he did before he went away but he knew, just like a father could, he was not the same man that left.

He reminisced over the muchacho his son was before he left Laredo, so eager to get out of the small town he grew up in and that harbored his family home, so anxious to meet new horizons, so keen to find and explore new places and learn new things; he sometimes found himself missing that boy, he sometimes missed his Javi; the one that helped him build a paddock for his own horse, the one that washed his truck without asking and without failing each friday evening, the one that took care of his Mamá’s funeral at sixteen when himself was too sad to think about coffins or tombstones; because the man that came back to him after almost two decades too far away from home wasn’t the same.

He had seen and done things that Chucho never wanted to to ask about but he imagined, his Javier wasn’t the same. And Chucho knew why, but he also knew about you. Javi had talked about you way too much for his own good, as he did everything. And Chucho also knew why, he wasn’t letting the woman that made his son come back home run away.

“He does want you,” he said, slowly, with a low voice, as if it were a secret, “mijo… es un idiota a veces, but he loves you.” (he’s an idiot sometimes)

“You don’t know that.” you refuted.

“I do,” he gave you a smile that was barely visible under the white mustache “el te ama, y yo…” (he loves you, and I…) “I’m so grateful.” you shook your head as two thick tears left your eyes.

“I broke his heart.” you sobbed out.

“Y me lo trajiste a casa, Florecita” (and you brought him home to me, little flower) you sobbed harder, not able to control it anymore, and he brought you to him, and held you.

“He told you my fake name?” you asked between sobs.

“He told me what you look like.” he muttered.

“I’m so sorry.” you let yourself be wrapped by him and you hid your face on his shoulder.

“Don’t be, without you I would’ve lost my only child.” you held him tighter.

“Please.” you pleaded for nothing and everything at the same time.

“You gotta fight for him, mija.” he muttered to your ear, and you shook your head, still leaning into him.

“I’m fighting for him!” you almost yelled “I’m here, aren’t I?” you lifted your head to look at the man and you gasped for air, dropping your hands to your sides “I drove almost thirteen hours non-stop all the way from Albuquerque just to be here!” you told him and the man stiffened as you lost your shit in front of him, you gripped your head between your hands “thirteen hours to read him that stupid letter and he didn’t say shit!”

“You did what?” you heard and lifted your head to see Javier standing behind his dad.

Chucho looked at Javier and then at you with your cheeks dampened with tears. He squeezed your shoulder again and turned to walk to the house.

“You were in Albuquerque all this time?” he said, and you nodded, noticing he was holding the letter in his hand “when you said you’d go you meant back there?” he frowned in confusion.

“Well, yeah, I have nowhere to stay so I might as well drive home.” you muttered, Javier’s frown deepened, and he stepped towards you.

“Stay here,” he said, “if you wanna leave you leave in the morning.” his voice was thin and low. You looked at his eyes and saw them reddened and wet.

“Did you read it?” you whispered out. He stepped towards you again, nodding.

“Stay.” he whispered back.

“You don’t want me.” you said under your breath as shook your head and he stepped closer.

“Who says that?” he asked, and you looked at the gravel path again.

“I won’t stay.” you felt Javier’s warm fingers graze under your chin and lift your head to him slowly.

“Don’t be so stubborn,” he chastised you with half a smirk forming on his lips “stay with us.” you shook your head again.

“You don’t want me here but you want me to stay,” you said, frowning at him “Javier you can’t have it bo–‌”

“I want you to stay,” he interrupted you “I want you to stay with me,” he whispered as his fingers moved to your cheek and wiped away a tear. “please.”

Javier had read your letter after you walked out and realized, at the prospect of you leaving for what it seemed like forever, at the possibility of you leaving him for good and he never getting to see you or your gorgeous face or your hypnotizing eyes or hearing your voice that did so many things on him, that the balance of his other losses leaned upwards when he weighed the probability of losing you.

Did he care about what you did? of course he did, it still stung sometimes deep inside his chest, it still filled him with something close to grief.

Was he willing to work it out and let it aside because he didn’t want to feel the agony and deep sorrow of not having you by his side he had been feeling for the last five months again? yes.

And the answer to that question inside his head startled him and shook him deeply.

You were there. God, you were there, there was no way he was going to let you leave.

Javier decided you could work it out later, he loved you way too much not to try. He didn’t even plan to love you the way he did, the way he discovered by reading that letter or remembering the man he was without you. He didn’t even plan to love you at all, but he did. He was madly, insanely, deeply in love with you.

Javier moved his hand to your shoulder and let the one holding the letter find its way to your waist. Find its way home.

“Don’t go.” he whispered again. He moved the last step to wrap his hands around you. You let out a low yelp at the feeling of his body so close to you, for a second you froze in place, your eyes closed and his warmth invaded your entire body as he hid his head in the crook of your neck. He inhaled your essence as you hugged him back and gripped him tightly against you.

Javier felt as if all his parts were being glued back together.

“Stay with me.” he whispered against the skin of your neck.

So you stayed.

←previous // next→

*THE LETTER*

Pepe:

pedrito's perma list: @queenofthefaceless​ @northernpunk​ @pascalesque​ @sleep-tight1​ @cheekygeek05​ @bii-aan-ckaa​ @letaliabane​ @starlightmornings​ @mouthymandalorianalso​ @supernaturalgirl​ @metalarmsandmanbuns​ @purplepascal042​ @asta-lily​ @greeneyedblondie44​ @missswriter​ @juletheghoul​ @pedro-pastel​ @agirllovespancakes​

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd​

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1​ @alliterative-albatross​ @absurdthirst​ @thoughtfulpandawasteland​ @wifeofdindjarin​ @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch​ @helloannbananalove​ @diogodxlot�� @pascalslittlebrat​ @sarahjkl82-blog​ @pedritobalmando​ @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan​ @mamacitapascal​ @dobbyjen​ @callsigncatfish​ @feminist-violinist​ @jasmincita​ @pascalove​ @eury-dice3​ @gingaahhhh @athalien​

[lunnybunny12]

Severus Snape X Reader (Coffee)

Request: @noah1986 (IDK why it wont let me tag this person but anyway)  Hiiii hope you are doing well, i would like to request Snape with Y/n meeting in a coffee shop and speak about their interests and treats her so well and is kinda possessive with the way he touches her, then go out on a date and smut if you are okay with that 💕 Im dying for Snape, thank you so muchhhh

Word count: 1042

Warnings: b0ner and snow 

Master list 

It was a cold day. All days had been cold that December and it seemed like it was going to stay that way for a while. The bitter cold pulled heat out of any person that dared to exit their homes and your hands had practically turned to ice.

"I'm sorry" you said politely. "What were you saying?"

"I said, you should've worn gloves," said Severus.

"Oh. yes," you said warming your hands on the steaming mug.

The heat of the coffee shop had condensed on the glass, and a few droplets had grouped into little pools on the windowsill.

"Honestly (Y/N), If I weren't there to assist you the students would eat you alive"

"Oi I never asked you to babysit me, you just walked into my classroom one day and never left. Im perfectly capable of teaching first years by myself,"

The man gave you an all too familiar look. "What about the other years?"

"Shut your hole." you chuckled adjusting yourself to sit comfortably.

You and Severus had gotten into the habit of going out for cups of tea or coffee whenever the school season was over. Whether it be for Christmas or summer the pair of you would make time for one another and talk about your shared interests and things Severus deemed "inappropriate" to speak of in school (like your pasts).

"What do you think to this one then? Personally, I think it's horrid." Severus said taking a sip of his drink.

In all honesty, you could see why he didn't like the cafe you were in. The huge windows spanned from one side of the store to the other, allowing all of the natural light to illuminate the room. It was so cosy in there. It reminded you of American ski lodges you'd seen in muggle media. Stuffed deer heads and taxidermied birds adorned the walls (which you thought Severus would have enjoyed) and a large animal skin rug lay under your feet. What set it apart from the others you had gone to previously was that it was a Muggle owned establishment. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly Severus' scene.

"Other than the seats being a tad bit uncomfortable, I think this place is lovely" your face slowly turning into one of disgust as you took your first sip of tea. "And that's me finished with that"

"add this to your list of cafes to not re-visit"

"Will do."

Time passed and it got darker outside. For hours, the snow fell onto the un-gritted street as the pair of you talked. What about? Whatever came to mind at the time. Words seemed to escape your mouth quicker than you could think of them. The day passed quicker than either of you expected and when the shop assistant approached to tell you they were closing, you saw a glint of possessiveness flash across Severus' face.

Something about that look brought back so many memories you didn't know you had. They swam around in your head like a fish in a shallow pond but to save face you continued to smile.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"WOW, it's freezing!" "I told you to-" "Yea, yea, yea, bring gloves I get it" you said. Sarcasm lacing your tone.

You both held onto each other to avoid slipping on the frosted pathway. You needed a secluded place to apparate and not get caught by a muggle or god forbid a ministry worker. You'd had enough run-ins with them to last 3 lifetimes.

"That reminds me, You need to apparate to my house. I have that book you lent me and I've finished it."

"And why can't you send it later?"

"Because. Cokeworth is too far away for you to apparate in a snowstorm and I don't want you getting sick."

Severus rolled his eyes at you, why you cared at all for his safety hed never know but he was grateful regardless. He'd been more than grateful to have you for a long time and it had taken a long time for him to admit that to himself.

The pair of you walked in silence for a little bit, the thoughts from before slowly returning.

Eventually, you asked, " You find me attractive don't you?"

"excuse me?"

"You find me attractive. I know you do."

"What on earth brought you to that conclusion, may I ask?"

You answered" Oh please, the way you looked at that shop assistant was the same as when anyone would talk to Lily. It isn't just when we're out and about either. You do it when you're babysitting me in class too,"

"That doesn't mean I'm attracted to you"

"So you're telling me that if I had you pinned against the wall, my hands all in your hair, you'd tell me to stop?"

He paused for a second before answering with a quiet "Yes"

At hearing this an evil smile crossed your mind and without a second thought your hands latched onto his shirt as you pinned him against the nearest wall. You saw the snowflakes fall into his dark hair and his eyes went wide with surprise. Your eyes darted to his lips before going back to his eyes. He looked like a deer in headlights and his face burned when he realised that he had gripped on to you to stop himself from falling over.

With a cheeky glint in your eye, you entangled your hands into his hair and leaned yourself closer to his face. Your dry lips ghosted over his.

" Go on Severus... you know you want to" you whispered.

There was no point in trying to say it wasn't true. You saw right through him and he knew that if he didn't he would regret it for the rest of his life.

It was cold at first but the longer it lasted the warmer it got. He was so gentle and slow with the kiss, like you were about to shatter in his arms.

"I'm like an open book to you aren't I?" he smiled looking into your warm eyes.

"Luckily enough for you, you're a book I enjoy reading. So here's my next question Severus... Is that your wand in your pocket or are you happy to kiss me?"

Smut ending...

“Luckily enough for you, you’re a book I enjoy reading. So here’s my next question Severus… Is that your wand in your pocket or are you happy to kiss me?" You asked with a cheeky grin.

With wide eyes, he enclosed the pair of you in his cape and turned to you with angry eyes.

"Why you filthy little..aaaaaaa" Midway through his sentence he cut himself off as he felt your hand palm him through his trousers. He let out a few quiet whimpers into your neck at the sensation and he couldn't have stopped you even if he wanted to.

"A ah ah, now Severus, don't ruin this beautiful moment with your ugly words" You purred into his ear, pulling his head off of your shoulder and dusted another kiss on his lips.

Severus's eyes were glazed with shock and lust. You had never been this bold with him before and he had to admit, he found it extremely arousing. You were teasing him, your hand glided over his cock and he could see on your face that you knew what you were doing.

You leaned into his face and whispered "Now do you want to apparate to mine?" in a dark chuckle.

In an attempt to compose himself, he stood to attention and held both your hands in a vice-like grip. You knew the routine, he would try and be scary and act as if nothing had happened but you also knew that he wouldnt have let go unless he had to.

"I didn't know you could be so evil, (Y/N)"

Without hesitation, you yanked your hands down forcing his face closer to yours and purred into his ear " I'm just getting started darling"

[vriska-serketboard]

17 questions, 17 people (except I subtracted 10 from the original people count)

Heyyy thanks for the tag!!

nicknames: my mom calls me bub sometimes. That has no relation to my actual name btw

sign: Capricorn!

height: in the 5’4-5’5 range i think

last thing I googled: I googled the school of rock that I go to in order to check their Facebook page (I don’t have facebook, I just check it for updates &/or photos)

last song stuck in my head: some unholy combination of shine on you crazy diamond parts I-V by Pink Floyd (not even the part with singing, just like the guitar lines) and New England by Jonathan richman and the modern lovers

number of followers: 60

amount of sleep: in general? Anywhere from 4-7 hours. Last night? Probably like 5 hours bc I had to wake up @ 7:30 for dance class

lucky number: Bro i have no clue. I’ll just put 413 for Homestuck reasons

dream job: oof. I used to be really set on being a paleontologist. That’s still one of the things I’m considering, but nowadays I want to do something in the performing arts realm. I also like working backstage as much as I like being onstage, so being part of the crew for a band (cough cough mcr) would be something I want to do (though I have no clue how I’d achieve that)

favorite song: shiiiiiit ok. Prison by mcr is pretty up there bc it (along with vampires) got me into them. Caraphernelia by ptv definitely. Ignorance by paramore fs. Oh god there’s so many favorites aaaaaaa

favorite instrument: I love both guitar and bass but I’m feeling bass at the moment.

aesthetic: I’ve been told I have a grunge vibe by more than 1 person (including my mom’s best friend), but also I really relate to the previous addition on this one

favorite author: Rick Riordan, Mackenzie Lee, Becky Chambers, John Scalzi, probably some others

random fact: one time when I was like 9 my dad was in the process of building me a bed, so I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a while. Since it was close to the ground, I kept doing somersaults on it. My best friend (around 11 at the time) came over while that sleeping situation was still in place. I showed her that I could do a somersault on the mattress. Then she tried to do it. But the thing was, she was taller than me by a decent amount at the time. So she started her somersault at the pillow end of the mattress, and ended up against the wall. Or rather, in the wall, because BOTH her knees smashed into the wall and left two holes there. My dad and I put plaster over them, but to this day, we still haven’t sanded it or painted it over. I’ve just kind of covered it w/ my Beatles poster. My friend was fine btw, just a little bruised

tagging @mintroni @nakaharaswife @nightmaresbittersweet @a-hundred-jewels @spookypaws @rockradiojunky @baby-lotion1 and anyone else who wants to do it! I don’t think I can tag the full 17 people lol, but hey!

17 questions, 17 people (except i think we lost some questions along the way and i don’t know 17 people on here)

nickname: not really a nickname since it’s longer than stella, but my mum will say ‘stella for star’ cos it’s a streetcar named desire reference

sign: scorpio, i know nothing about star signs but i always thought scorpio sounded the coolest

height: 5’7

last thing i googled: intensive language courses near me (i rlly want to practice my french)

last song stuck in your head: about you by the 1975, matty healy is haunting me

number of followers: 1196, shoutout to anyone who’s still here from when i was a death note blog

amount of sleep: my average over the last 7 days is 4 hours a night 👍🏼

lucky number: 29

dream job: clinical psychologist, just need to get into a clinical doctorate programme (v unlikely as they’re so so competitive)

favourite song: pink lemonade by the wombats (could never pick one but this is my default answer for this question cos it was my favourite when i was 15)

favourite instrument: piano

aesthetic: 90s grunge always

favourite author: i don’t rlly read many books by the same author just random ones, but i really like michel bussi’s books

random fun fact: i know every single word to we didn’t start the fire by billie joel, that’s fun

thanks u sm for @scilessweetheart for tagging me n sorry this took so long!

tagging @junkyardromeo @lemonfloatz (no pressure) n anyone else who wants to join!!

[fragileizywriting]

Just read your most recent smut fic and can I just say I LOVE the hc that Marinette is a squirter. That shit is hot as hell and I don’t see it in many fics. My husband used to put me in the bathtub because that was the best way to ensure the least mess. No mop necessary. 😂♥️

HAHDHDJSKSJDHDHSJSKJF OH MY GOD ANON????? NO WAY THATS SO FUNNY see i would just put down a towel or move to tile, but then again, i’m sure y’all did it for a reason

oh my god anon the BATHTUB that’s ingenious, hold on hold on, i’m starting to think here about marinette

anyway, anon now you’ve got me thinking about it— i’m pretty sure i make her squirt often? or maybe just in my dreams i do, hold on— i love making marinette do it, it’s so funny, because i think it fits adrien’s personality a lot to make her do it and then just nod his head like he just finished making a business deal and then just make her come again it’s just AAAAAAA🥰🥰

(i don’t think there’s a canon tag for squirting on ao3 anyways but if it is i’ll be #1 on it. ‘Marinette Is A Squirter’ here i come!)

[tizzymcwizzy]

Allow me to explain how I perceive ur personality. U are, simply put, A Lot Of Fun :) always a blast chatting with u miss mctizzles. You have such great positive energy. irresistible goodness. Impossible to not smile when you’re around. and I love your constant enthusiasm. Idk how you are irl vs online but here you always seem to be the life of the party 😌 (like, a fun, relaxing party that my introverted self would want to stay for instead of making an excuse to leave after 30 mins.) you somehow seem both hyper and chill, which is a combo I quite enjoy lol. You are crazy smart and skilled and talented, like so much WAAAAAA packed into your little baby brain wtf!! You also come across as super thoughtful. Like it’s so clear that you are really careful and intentional with your work and that’s so special. u also have a big of an Edge with all your angst content which is owie but also very rad. all in all I would consider you a Kool Kid™️. (See how I used a K to make it extra Kool. yeah that’s for u.) ur kind of like a human caprisun. like, what is not to enjoy about u. impeccable energy. refreshing and invigorating. to me ur vibe can be conveyed with the following images:

ow okay this actually made me cry a lot goddmanit snsnsndbfbbffngng lemme compose myself jesus christ-

maryssa you are a wonderful gift im

I AM PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO COPE WITH THIS. TEARS. IN ME EYES.

this is definitely going into the "pile of posts to read in order to get out of a mental breakdown" my god

i am giving you a platonic smooch,,, im just gonna lay on the floor and put my face in my hands, thinkin abt this for the next 5 million years

i initially put all of the rest of this in the tags but then i reached the tag limit so y'all are now forced to see my insurmountable love for mrs. maryssa carpisuns marichat herself:

OH MY GOD MARYSSA LIKE UNCALLED FOR BUT IN THE NICEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE, THIS IS A GIFT OW THANK YOU FOR DESTROYING BUT ALSO FIXING MY HEART,, FUCK.

maryssa i appreciate you so much holy fuck ssjaaaaaajhahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im incoherent,, incomprehensible,, unperceivable,, and yet you pERCIEVED ME AND IT WAS VERY NICE AAAAAAA

self identity is bonkers and im really glad i am percived as Kool with a capital K, what an honor,, im trying to make jokes to cope with my emotions but iM EMOTIONAL

and as for your personality maryssa you are a gift so very kind and passionate and encouraging AS SEEN HERE,, everyday should be carpisuns appreciation day, ALSO--- WHAT AN HONOR TO BE COMPARED TO THE ALL MIGHTY CAPRI-SUN WH- maryssa im love you 💖

when i saw the first image i was instantly like tHATS ME!!! CAUSE-HDHDBDBFBF CAUSE THATS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE AS A KID AAHHAHAHAHA

wait i was complimenting you and then i got sidetracked MARYSSA YOU PUT DO MUCH LOVE AND PASSION INTO EVERYTHING YOU DO AND IT SHINES THROUGH EVERYTIME LIKE WHEN I LOOK AT THE STUFF YOU'VE CRAFTED I LOOK AT ALL OF IT AND I CAN TELL THAT YOU PUT LOVE INTO EVERY BIT OF IT EVEN IF YOU SAY THAT YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR THAT YOU THINK ITS BAD- ITS LOVELY CAUSE YOU MADE IT AND I LOVE IT

also you are like one of the funniest people ever, i can't count on all my appendages how many times I've almost burst out laughing at 2 am, almost waking my poor sleeping family because of you and the joy you bring jdhgdjfgh, i have enough screenshots to make an album of all the memes and jokes you make,, highlight of my day,, evening,,, morning??? my 2 to 4 ams

if i could describe you it would be the funniest, most welcoming and loving mom friend that's hilarious and kind, also very cool but in a "hello my fellow kids" kind of way (affectionate)

in short: you are a gift and ur vibes are very warm and comforting, ty for your nice message (i will literally and genuinely treasure it forever) i love you,, i am so glad i can call you my friend :))

[buggaberry]

ML Blog Appreciation Day!!

ohuuhuhoho i heard it was that day,,, and imma comin’ to appreciATE AHAHAHAHAA

@seasonofthegeek oh my heckin’ goodness she was like,,, one of my first favorite writers in the fandom and then I eventually joined a discord server with her and she’s the sweetest darn bean my gosh she’s talented and like draws too and gAH--

@secretagentspydetectiveninja waHAHAHA im loVE you ur so amazing and sweet and fun 2 talk with, aish’s writing is also mMM yes 10/10 and the amount of iconic things they’ve made is kfkjhkajshdf

@nolongervoid the sweetest beaN!!!!! Also the thing’s she’s written are aaaaaaaahhhh, real good (and u never let me let go of the daping thing >:|) love u~~~

@jattendschaton iM LITERALLY--- they’re like the sweetest human being on the planet I literally, I caNNot. They have done the most adorable cosplays of Ladybug, Marinette, and Adrien, I always loved them so so much. Their writing is also amazing, they’re so sweet and delightful to read (and they always have the absolute sweetest tags on all their reblogs my goodness).

@adrienaline-rushed-art I’ve known u since I was like,,,, 14??? 15?? My goSH, but regardless, you’ve grown so much as an artist and as a writer and I absolutely adore everything you create, I feel like I don’t express that enough. An amazing bean.

@lesslinette hhhhhh she could steal my soul and I’d say thank you omygod her art is-- aaaAAAA and she an absolute sweetheart.

@marinoodles aaaa ur so goofy and fun and just like adsfjhdh sO nice, quality meme-age also im lvoe u

@megatraven veR sweet im love they made quite a few really cute drawings and stuff and aaaa i met chu long ago but u are amazinnng

@mikauzoran iM CAN’T MY GOD I COULD SCREAM ABOUT YOU FOR HOURS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Literally sO talented, knows how to get you in the feeLS, beautiFUL writing, and just ajdsfljads such a sweetheart, I would go back and read her works hundreds of times.

@mireilletan yOU, anoTher talented and amazing writer but also amazing artist gaAAAhhh I love the way you akjdflakjd WORDS. Yes. And you’re super duper nice and aaaaaaa I loaf yuo qAq

@ominousunflower i love u and our hamster so much aaaaa, but for real he just writes,,,, so good. You can stab me in the heart a thousand times and make me cry or feel super duper soft and hnnggg when I teLL you these people are literal writing goALS--- so preTTY

@galahadwilder Very sweet! Also writes so good I love, my goodness the talent

@thewritewolf if u wanna read some fluff he is like tHe place to go, I don’t generally read a lot of fluff but aa a a a aaggh I love it a lot

@overworkedunderwhelmed I’ve read quite a few of ur things and they’re so a a a a!!!! They’ve been here for a long time and honestly they make some mmmm yes quality stuffs i yes love

@tides-miraculous aaAAA gotta stan the nino content and all the muslimah miraculous wielders, they’re and incredible artist, I was always in awe of their works

@thelastpilot moAR NINO-- I love their writing very very much, as well as their art qAq 

@botherkupo agaiN YES writing is vER gUUD and I lovE theM they are so sweet

@chatalyst they post so many iconic things oh my goD, she also writes verY good and is mucho skillzzz

@chataclysmes ahHAHAA rarepair heaveN?? Also very nice!!! And!!! Amazing artist!!! Whom I love!!!! Very much!!!!!! Yes!!!!!

@discoveringmiraculousartist OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO SWEET they’re doing the work of like ajdsfadlskjfhmy godsh. If you wanna find new ml artists you go thERE, they honestly do so much, they do so much work, and they’re so kind and my goodness gracious me oh my

@landturtlealyce wAAAAHHH VERY GOOD ARTIST VERY SWEET BEAN all the heartus

@fizzyarts i cry at the skill, like,,,,, their art good g od

@siderealscribblings a verY good writer, they’re so good at like interpreting characterization and emotions it’s like jfhadskjffj oh my guacamole 

@masilvi the living heck moar talent artist the ladrien is VERY GOOD in this house i love u

@chatnoirinette ur so sweet oml, and also verY good art, you’ve improved so much and I love ur writing too qAq

@zeknoir the l u kadrien my dude also u have nice writing and u are nice aaaa X3

@marikittynoir huAHAAHA more cute art!!!!! also a sweet!!!!! i lub

@emsylcatac wAHhahasdkjadsfh I love u so much ur so talented kjafndsjfn

@bugaboo-n-bananoir u ver skill!!! ver nice!!! i lubu

@janaikam she has some neatO writing and I like a lot and she’s honestly a really amazing person too I-- aaaaaa <3

@bugabisous VERY AMAZE TALENT GIF makeR and sweet bean

(o goodness gracious this is getting long and im loosing braincells but there’s so many >:O I’m gonna cut here but if ur under the cut I don’t lobu u less or anything I just don’t wanna abuse the people who see me on their dash)

@honeychats THEY HONESTLY HAVE DRAWN SOME PRETTY DARN CUTE THINGS and they are ver nice!!!!!!

@yeet-noir gAAAAHHHH i love yo so much I kid u not ur iconic

@amimons aaahhahahaa talented artist and so kind!!!!!!!!

@lllluka WAHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE THEIR ART SERIOUSLY

@terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus thamk yuo so much for all the times you made me wheeze so hard my lungs came out

@leviaana your art!!!! is so good I love the way you color SO MUCH it’s so pretty and soft!!!!!

@sweetsweetsweetie hnnnngggg ur ability to make backgrounds god I wish it was contagious and ur comics are so good!!!!!

@wintertundra-art hmhnmnmgf they do vberry good art and aaa their trans!au is the best

@ladybeug i just o my gosh i love them so much their art and just-- can i die 4 u

@ladyblargh they’ve done so many iconic things i--

@buggachat if ur not following her already i--- aMAZING art, quALITY content YES.

@yunyin WAAAAHH MORE SUPER DUPER AMAZING ART I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOUR SO SWEET AND HHDSNFND AAHHHH

@therealscribblingmama I have so many of their things bookmarked, they are a reaLLy good writer

@miracu-less such CuTE art im in lots of love

aaAAAAA alas im getting tired but there’s probably like a bAJILLION more i really am sorry if i didn’t get you or anything like that because I do genuinely lob yuo. if u ever made lukadrien content or smth 10/10 all the screams for you u might not see like ur account but I definitely saw what u made and cried over it bc i like live in that tag 50% of the time

@megs-ils you seem to be very nice and you make so much art I’m honestly baffled and it’s also really good, like,,,,, much skill

@amyahue AAHAHAHAAHAH so cuteeee their art is so cuteeee and it makes my heart go kaboom

@tizzymcwizzy ohmygod I love the way they draw chat its so cute and like the winGS and the DHAHDBAKFSM yEs