#Now some of it is over 7 years old and hurts me to view but... yeah

[sofs16]

let you break my heart again— 1

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yn yln, a middle class american girl who moved to monaco, has done nothing but love charles leclerc, her next door neighbor. yn being practically family to the leclerc’s.

since the moment she was old enough to acknowledge those butterflies in her stomach, it was all coming together in her innocent mind that she was in love.

going together to school every morning with the other 2 leclercs and yn’s older sister, kylie, it was always the giggles of charles and yn that made the 2 older siblings look knowingly at each other. with arthur too young to understand the chemistry between the two.

it was a thursday school night in 2008 when charles kissed yn on the cheek quickly with a rushed “ciao!” before he going to his house to make it to dinner after their hangout.

yn stood still at the front door, her cheek in her hand.

charles always did a kiss on the cheek but it had never felt so… different to yn.

she rushed up the stairs to do her special knock on her older sister’s room. “come in, yn” her sister muttered, buried under the blankets as her 11 year old sister stood in the hallway with tears.

kylie sat up her bed as soon as she saw the bloodshot eyes of her little sister. “what happened? who am i punching?” her sister sobbed into her chest. “i- i don’t know” she hiccuped. “it feels ouchy” she added “what does?” her sister pulled away and examined her

“charles” she whispered her best friend’s name. “did he hurt you? what did he-“ “no! i- he kissed me on the cheek. that’s normal, i know, but i— i don’t know” yn mumbled, embarrassed at her lack of understanding her feelings.

“oh” her sister sighed, combing through her hair. “is it possible… you may have a tiny crush on charles?” her sister asked and everything went silent.

her friends all had a crush on him. she didn’t understand it at the time. but, hello! he is her best friend, she didn’t think she could like charles that way.

In a way, it made sense. though she always shrugged it off when it was brought up. charles had been karting for 3 years already, making him one of the guys all the girls in your year crushed on.

“yn, you’re sooo lucky you’re close to charles!”

“if i was his best friend i’d hang out with him all the time”

“yn, isn’t charles cute?”

it seemed appalling to her that she was feeling this way. “no way.” she whispered. of course her sister wasn’t buying it, but she decided to nod along. “wanna just watch that harry potter movie you love? and talk about it some other time?” her sister reached over to the remote, turning the tv on but all yn could think about was how charles loved harry potter.

the next day in school, charles smiled and waved at yn, like the usual. but this time, yn’s heart was pulling little strings, making it 16 times heavier with love.

she didn’t know it yet, but she was in love.

yn_yln_16

liked by charles_leclerc, and 11 others

yn_yln_16 Happiest birthday, Charlie! I am grateful you’re in my life.❤️

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charles_leclerc Je aime, Y/n/n! You are next! october 16, 2009

charles_leclerc

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charles_leclerc Joyeux anniversaire yn_yln_16! Thank you for being the bestest friend I could ever ask for! view all 7 comments

yn_yln_16 Merci beaucoup, Charlie ❤️ november 3, 2009

yn_yln_16

tagged: charles_leclerc, lorenzotl, arthur_leclerc, and leclerc_pascale liked by charles_leclerc, and 21 others

yn_yln_16 Throwback post for my favorite boys

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leclerc_pascale 😍

charles_leclerc Cute, cherie!

july 3, 2010

YN • 2012 • 14:03

another friday afternoon you once again headed straight to your sister’s room.

since that night when you were 11, there were many many nights behind closed doors where you would cry to you sister who didn’t need to ask why.

but recently, you haven’t bothered to cry. with no idea didn’t know how to cope with it. ”he’s dating lacy” the name of your best friend ex- best friend rolled off your tongue bitterly.

now at 15, your crush for charles has you bursting with pain the more. more girls fawning over him and he loved the attention.

lacy was everything you wish you could be. but most of all, you wished you were her because charles liked her.

you swallowed the lump in your throat as you saw them giggling down the hall, fingers interlaced. you rushed the the bathroom, quietly banging your head against the stall to suck it up.

you never did have the courage to confess to charles. it was your fault.

“it’s okay, i’ll always be here” your sister hushed you to sleep. even if she had been building her own business, she always had time for you.

“can you wake me up before 8? he’s coming over” you mumbled “i know, it’s friday”

every other friday at 8pm you and charles always binge watched some random movies, occasionally doing homework while watching.

he’s been racing more and that means you see less of him. these friday's were the most you both got to each other. you had bought some snacks 2 days ago with his mom’s weekly grocery run, picking precisely all his favorite snacks.

20:03

you bounced your leg up and down while a pillow was resting on it, dialing charles.

voicemail.

“hey charlie! i just heated the popcorn, where are you? it’s going to get cold… love you”

20:11

voicemail.

“Hey, charlie! I know I just called but are you still coming over? Love you!”

20:23

“hey charles. Are we still on for harry potter night?” you rang him for the 3rd time this hour, receiving yet another voice mail.

21:01

“y/n/n, where’s charles?” your sister was tiptoeing to the kitchen but realized you had no one beside you.

you shrugged with a frown. “did he say where he was?” she sat down beside you as you shook your head. “i’ve been waiting for an hour. left 5 voice mails” you mumbled, clutching the pillow closer to you.

silence filled the room

“yn, stop waiting for him.” your sister whispered. you inhaled as you could tell it was a two pointed comment.

only a handful of times your sister brought this up, you to move on. you would always argue it was too hard and you couldn’t do it. but you just didn’t allow yourself to.

you cared a little too much for charles and it made your stomach turn at the thought.

you let yourself believe all the friendly things he did meant more to him, as much as they did to you. the tucking your hair behind your ear, the little nicknames, the cuddling on movie nights, and much more.

you also let yourself forget he always refers to you as his ‘best friend’.

“i’ve held been there for you for the last 4 years but you are hurting yourself by waiting for him when there are so many boys who would kill to have even one drop of love you give to charles” you bit your lip, looking away to stop the tears, that were pooling in your eyes, from falling.

“i love him so much” you whispered, glossy eyes. “i know…” she embraces you “we all do”

with a heavy heart, you packed up all the stupid snacks you had gotten, switched the tv off, and locked the door.

00:21

Charlie ❤️

Y/n/n I am so sorry. I was out with Lacy and the others and I lost track of time. Can we reschedule? :)

delivered

Pascale knew from the start regarding your feelings for her middle child. as soon as you fumbled your words, turned tomato red at charles, and kept fixing your hair when he left the room, she knew.

that’s why she found it most interesting when charles came to her for help while she was trimming his hair. “Maman, s’il te plaît please! She is ignoring me and I do not know what to do” Charles groans in frustration. He hasn’t heard from you in 4 days and even in school.

“My Charles, je ne comprends pas i don’t understand. Why did you stand her up in the first place? That girl has been running around the grocery all week for your favorite foods” His maman shook her head in disapproval while trimming his hair.

“It is not like I meant to do it! I do not know how to say sorry in more than 4 languages, Maman!”

“Sometimes actions are more than words, Charles”

you sighed getting to school, another day to ignore charles and your feelings for him. you opened your locker to find a bouquet of flowers sitting on top of your books.

instinctively, you looked around the hall to who could have put it, but you already had an idea of who. only one person knew your lock combination.

you read the note attached.

Dearest y/n/n,

I know what I did was wrong and I can not tell you how sorry I am so these are flowers for you.

You are my best friend and I am mad at myself for putting other people before us. I promise to always be there for you more.

If you will forgive me, which I hope you do, come to my house at 8 ! :)

I know this letter is not enough but we can talk about it if you come.

Yours, Charlie

before your overthinking started, you were already planning which pajamas to wear. but the thought did start to sink in once the bell rang.

did you really forgive him? were you ready to go back to plastering on a fake smile instead of ignoring him?

though charles was your best friend and you truly don’t want to lose him at all, the short period of time you spent without him pestering your emotions, was the most calm in the last few years.

you took a deep breath before knocking on the door. “hi”

— INSTAGRAM FILE

charles_leclerc

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charles_leclerc Back from the first race ever in Kz in La Conca!

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lacy_1998 Hottie 😍

yn_yln_16 Most talented driver ❤️ WDC incoming!

charles_leclerc

liked by yn_yln_16, lacy_1998, and 102 others charles_leclerc 3rd at the last round of the European Championship in Genk!

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lacy_1998 Next time 1st! yn_yln_16 Proudest of you! Another one for the shelf ❤️

leclerc_pascale ❤️

#SOF : decided to make it a series 🫠 hope you enjoy and let me know your thoughts or if you want more parts haha

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fics Including Kathryn Lester (2) Masterlist

part one

a matched set (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: “Mum,” he says, and his voice sounds like a balloon about to burst from happiness. “Mum, would you do me a favor.”

(a mother's view of the christmas adventure)

All the Ways to Phil Lester's Heart (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: During Christmas Eve with his family, Phil reflects on all the ways to his heart

Always Yes (ao3) - LetGladnessDwell

Summary: In this universe, Dan and Phil spend all their money to move to London, betting everything that their pitch to the BBC for a weekly radio show will succeed. It doesn’t.

And I know the yearning will always remain (ao3) - Kavat

Summary: Kathryn drops off Phil and Dan at the train station.

bittersweet joy (ao3) - starlight_kth

Summary: dan and phil spend christmas away from each other with their families and phil has some very strong feelings about it, but a skype call with dan always warms him up.

bundle up, baby (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: dnp taking their little kid for the first time to the iom for christmas

there's nothing more exciting than a child's first christmas

can i wake up with you? (ao3) - dvp_95

Summary: Phil isn't bad at talking about his feelings, he just does it very differently than Dan does.

Chosen Family (ao3) - Mysticallykai

Summary: After Dan comes out at fifteen, his parents don't pay him any mind. At sixteen, when he goes to his first pride, he meets Kath Lester. She becomes like a mother to him, and when his boyfriend hurts him, he goes to her for help. He wasn't aware that he would finally meet her youngest son, nor that Phil would be someone so special to him.

clouds parting (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: Phil’s never been good at thinking things over while in motion, not the way that Dan is. But the first pieces of the decision happen then, making his way down rain-soaked pavements, everything a steely, soggy gray.

(secret holiday, autumn ‘21)

cradled by the bare sky (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: (COTY inspired)

“What did you want, mum?” he asks, the words a mere whisper, his lips curving into a quivering smile. He stays where he is, one hand resting on the frame. Both of the gestures break her heart. She knows he wants to get the truth out there, as they’ve had a silent agreement for quite some time, but seems too scared to try.

Fresh Fake Coffee (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: Dan hadn’t heard Mrs. Lester when he was upstairs, but she’s stirring instant coffee grounds into a long row of mugs: four, one for every person in the house.

A ficlet about sips and welcomes.

growing up or just going down (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Phil is 15 years old today. He's going to have the best birthday of his life, to kick off the best year of his life.

Right?

Happy Birthday My Love (ao3) - phansuniteinluv

Summary: It's Phil's 33rd birthday!!! Laughter, fun, and a birthday proposal that Dan has been planning for ages!

home for christmas (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: kath and dan have a chat on christmas day

I'd marry you (with paper rings) (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Maybe learning calligraphy was of greater importance to Phil, and them, than Dan first thought

It Hits Different (ao3) - danisnotinteresting

Summary: I really have no summary for now, just read the tags please

kiss you until your lips turn blue (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan's confused about who he is, but what he knows is that he finds the quiet boy in his friendship group very pretty.

Leave it to stew (ao3) - chiridotalaevis

Summary: They weren’t, you know, hiding that Dan was here, but perhaps Kath didn’t need to see slightly slobbery faces (don’t judge, Phil is just a very enthusiastic kisser), Dan’s bright red cheeks and Phil’s slightly untucked pants. They just were not exactly Kath presentable at this moment.

Lucky (ao3) - starlight_kth

Summary: Dan and Phil are at a Lester family party with their two children: Emily, 7 and Colby, 2. Phil spends the night twirling them both on the dance floor and Dan spends the night watching his husband and wondering how he got so lucky

mama's boy (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: when phil said kath had put up that shout poster in his bedroom when he came home for christmas :3

no matter how old phil gets, he's still babied by his mum

maybe this christmas (ao3) - blackbirddan

Summary: In all the years they've known each other, Dan and Phil have never been able to spend Christmas Day together. And it's looking like they still can't, even with how much things have changed this year. Unless...

a.k.a. Dan’s family spend Christmas in the Isle of Man.

My Spirit Love (ao3) - MySecretsX

Summary: If you fall in love with a spirit who drains you both away, do you live together for twenty years, or stay alone each day?

Phil has lived in his house since he was born, but it was when he turned seven he met Dan for the first time. It's all childish games and the muse of a naïve brain until your fifteen-year-old son claims to have fallen in love with the boy you've never seen.

Is anything possible for love?

newlyweds on Christmas Eve (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: “Come inside! Nigel and I have been waiting all of December for our new son-in-law!”

no matter how far away you roam (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Some things will never change, like Dan and Phil video calling each other from their family homes over Christmas.

not a lot, just forever (ao3) - blossomsphan

Summary: “intertwined, sewn together

not a lot, just forever” - adrianne lenker

working through the feels post-hospital incident ❤️‍🩹

now i smile and face the girl who shares my name (ao3) - plinth_of_life

Summary: kath meets her newborn granddaughter.

party for two (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Dan has only had five birthdays before this one. And he can't really remember the first three of them. But he knows this has to be the worst one yet.

Pretty Guy (ao3) - Archive (Curlylinguist)

Summary: Drinking as a coping mechanism is not Phil’s usual style, but then, he reasons, neither is spontaneously tagging along on an entirely unplanned night out with a bunch of strangers after the bizarre high of a successful publishing meeting. And all just because a pretty boy asked him to.

Or, Phil stumbles across a Pride rally and a certain curly-haired queer activist catches his eye.

songbird (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: a post-apocalyptic coffee shop au

Staring at the Sea (ao3) - Allthephils

Summary: Dan wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the north of Spain, a locket that bears the name of the man that he loves.

The Gaming Video. (ao3) - iamalwaystired

Summary: dan and phil decide to bring back the gayming channel with dab and evans wedding video. basically just fluff for 6k words,

The Scent of Pining (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: Dan and Phil grew up together, but were separated by university and the mundanities of life. After years of missing each other, keeping track of each other's careers, and asking their families about each other, they finally reunite at a Christmas party back home. Surrounded by fragrances that cast their memories back to their childhood together, they each work up the nerve to finally do something about how they've been feeling for a decade.

together we sang (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." -Billy, age 4

Two Faces, One Fear (ao3) - R3ad3r1

Summary: Phil collapses due to his head hurting, as the pain does not subside he has to go to the hospital.

Let's have a look at Phil and Dan's emotional journey until they discover why Phil collapsed.

Wagon Wheel (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Is there enough room in Wagon Wheel for Phil's saloon and Sheriff Howell's city-slickin' ways?

"we gotta be brave" (ao3) - wednesday_ukiru

Summary: Six year old Phil misbehaves – and quickly becomes convinced he’s going to get picked up by Mrs. Fuse’s adoption agency. Instead, he meets a boy.

Weight on my Shoulders (ao3) - ByTheFire

Summary: When Phil starts getting some unexpected gifts from his dad he starts to worry if he knows something he is not ready to share. Thankfully Dan is there to make it all a bit less scary. All Phil can hope is his dad doesn't want to change who he truly is.

welcome, love (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: coming out isn't easy, but it's a little less shit when you're surrounded with family

What We Are to Each Other (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: So maybe they both suck at communication. Maybe Dan needs to talk to Phil about what they are to each other. And maybe Phil needs to sit his parents down and tell them that big, slightly scary thing about himself. But maybe it'll all work itself out, one way or another.

wrecking ball (ao3) - bloodyscarab

Summary: you gotta wanna break the hearts

of all those pretty porcelain dolls

Yours, Absolutely, Positively (ao3) - JudeAraya

Summary: Like so many things in his new life, Dan was coming to understand that Phil was the only exception.

~Christmas 2009~

[justablah56]

hnnmmgkc it's thinking about DX-TR hours. and I am thinking very hard.

Most of what we the audience know of DX-TR comes from VR-LA's point of view, which is one pure hatred. VR-LA literally knows nothing about DX-TR except that he's the reason all of this happened to him, he doesn't know anything about who DX-TR was before then or any reason he may have had for why he did what he did. everything VR-LA feels about DX-TR is based off of a vision of a memory of his worst moment, which gives us a very biased and uninformed view of who DX-TR is/was as our most prominent canon source.

Something that I think is very important about DX-TR when it comes to his characterization and motives, is that he didn't mean for all of this to happen. he never meant for MR-SN to die, for VR-LA to be lost, for his remaining crew to be imprisoned for 3 years, for any of it.

Something I think is often forgotten is that DX-TR was *not* free for those three years in the tu narath. At some point after they got the old crew out, K-LB says something to the effect of "DX-TR was just as much a prisoner here as any of us." He was not free there, lording over his foolish ex crew mates for falling into his trap. He was stuck there with them, stuck with knowing it was the consequences of his actions that got them there, stuck desperately trying to convince himself that he made the best decision he could have made, stuck just trying to keep himself focused on the task in front of them and useful to the gith so they wouldn't kill them.

Yes obviously he's the reason all this shit happened, I'm definitely not arguing that it *isn't* his fault. however, he made the decision to work with the gith under the impression that the whole crew would be together and that he would likely still be a relatively free agent for them. Another line from our first real introduction to him, DX-TR says something about how he didn't plan for them to be there so long if they'd had MR-SN and VR-LA, implying that his plan was for all 7 of them to be there together for just a short while, solve the thing they had all already been working on from relative safety with the gith, and then leave again.

Really, my point with all of this is that DX-TR didn't go into all of this thinking he was going to betray the crew. he likely doesn't even view what happened as a betrayal at all! in his mind he was just making a difficult decision for the greater good and safety of his crew that ended up with tragic unexpected consequences. but that was through the fault of the *gith*, not DX-TR, he's doing this for the crew, for MR-SN. or at least, that's the way he sees it.

DX-TR is not someone who wanted to hurt his friends. He is someone who made a questionable decision that had devastating consequences, and was driven to the state we see him in now as a result of *years* immediately after spent in survival mode, trying to ignore all of that and just push forward, justifying to himself that he's just continuing on doing what he and MR-SN set out to do.

Anyways! DX-TR is just a very interesting character to me, and I will dissect him with insane fervor as well as I can with the few scraps we get in canon <3

[frog-necromancer]

Betting on a Losing Dog

Masterlist

Read on Ao3

Chapter 3: His broken little family

Pairing: Logan / fem!Reader

Summary: Logan, Laura, Charles and F/N get to spend some quality family time together because they deserve nice things and some rest. This chapter is mostly silliness and fluff with a hint of angst :) comments and likes are always appreciated <3

Chapter 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7

Tags: #drug abuse and addiction #swearing #angst #anger issues #main character death (it’s Logan sorry babes) #fluff and smut #kissing #alcohol abuse #graphic description of violence and injuries #heavy angst #biting #thigh riding #oral (f receiving) #p in v sex #unprotected sex (wrap it up) #attempt at humor #spending time as a family #intrusive thoughts #some gore #hurt no comfort (maybe a little comfort) #found family #marriage!?!! #self harm (skin picking) #throwing up #depression #smoking #references to Christianity and religion #video game references #road trip

You can find the German song I quoted on this playlist: It's called "Der Mond ist aufgegangen" and it's an old German lullaby, my mother used to sing to me and my brother when we were little

His broken little family

They left early the next morning. F/N had quickly packed everything she'd need for the trip, as well as some extra snacks and drinks. Clothing and toiletries were stuffed into an old backpack.

F/N had taken the passenger's seat next to Logan, looking out of the dirty window, watching the landscape pass and slowly change, with every mile they drove.

They were silent most of the time, listening to music or having light conversations. At some point F/N gave Laura her phone so she could pick some songs which resulted in a no-music rule from Logan not even an hour later.

F/N's eyes found the Comic book Laura was reading, and a smile stretched over her face. “Who's your favourite X-men, Laura?” She asked, eyes twinkling with mischief.

Laura pointed to a drawing of Jean. F/N could see Logan’s grip on the steering wheel tighten.

—

Occasionally, Logan's hand would find her thigh, giving it a light squeeze, which made her blush.

They would steal kisses behind gas stations, between fast food trash and the smell of gasoline.

F/N knew that the man she'd loved for so many years hadn't changed that much. A gruff shell with a heart of gold. Said heart showing itself at the most unexpected times.

She couldn't help but smile brightly as she watched Logan save an electronic horse from certain death by giving Laura money for another ride. F/N grinned, she was so much like him, so angry. (I know that actually happened before the casino incident, blow me)

“What got you all smiley-faced, darling?” Logan had asked her as they walked into the gas station shop. “Do I need a reason to smile” she'd replied, giving his hand a little squeeze before disappearing between the shelves.

By now they'd been on the road for three days only stopping for food and bathroom breaks. There was no time for sleep, is what Logan always said. Everyone was getting irritated and they could all use some rest in an actual bed. The occasional nap in the shaking car wasn't doing it anymore.

F/N was mindlessly staring out of the window humming some old melody, she was surprised Logan hadn’t told her to shut the fuck up yet. His rough hand was placed on her lower thigh, tracing little circles onto the fabric of her jeans. She'd offered to drive a couple of times, but Logan refused and would refuse again. (I don't have a driver's license anyway but shhhh) Charles was dosing and Laura was looking out of the window, drawing figures on the dirty glass.

As F/N was looking out of the window too, watching the cornfields go by, a big sign came into view. ‘Dino World. Motel and Adventure Park. Fun for the whole family.’ F/N glanced behind her, Laura seemed to have seen the sign too, her brown eyes wide and filled with excitement and determination as she looked at the sign. A gigantic dinosaur appeared between the treeline in the distance and F/N knew that this would cause trouble. A glance back to Logan, his face was stern and firm as always, oh this would for sure cause an argument with Laura. And F/N's bet was on the little girl.

“We could all need a break” Charles had said, voice soft, watching the dinosaur approach with glee.

F/N could see that Laura was about to throw a full-on tantrum if they didn’t stop, which would most likely end in someone losing their head and it definitely wasn't her. She placed her hand on Logan's thigh, giving him a soft look, he grumbled and to F/N's surprise and Laura's great joy, finally pulled over.

After booking two rooms for the night and giving them a quick once over (they were both dinosaur-themed) they went to go to the main attraction.

The park was more or less empty, with only a couple of other families with kids. Other families. F/N sighed softly, glancing down at Laura who had grabbed her hand after Logan had snapped at her again. She was pretty sure she had stuck out her tongue at him after that. That girl was going places.

Laura was happily walking beside F/N while Logan was pushing Charles behind them in his wheelchair, the old man was babbling something about evolution and dinosaurs having feathers and F/N was listening intently until he switched to Taco Bell advertisements again.

The park wasn't as crappy as F/N had expected, it was actually quite nice with many life-sized dinosaur statues and animatronics as well as some food stalls.

Logan couldn't help but feel soft as he watched F/N and Laura interact. The way F/N was kind to her, genuinely kind, like she was kind to him, melted his cold heart. Although he'd never admit it.

“I'm glad F/N's back.”, Charles broke through his train of thought: “You've been a mess without her.” Logan grumbled lowly but didn't argue. He was right. In a way at least.

Laura excitedly pulled F/N towards a moving velociraptor animatronic. Logan thought its movements looked very unreal.

“Look Laura, it got sharp claws like you and Logan” F/N beamed at her and Logan could see Laura's eyes light up with glee, something that happened very rarely. And for a moment he thought that maybe, just maybe they could make this work. That they could be a family. He would do anything to see them both happy like this forever.

“Logan, Logan! Take a picture of us!” F/N grinned, handing him her phone, he hadn't seen her this happy in a long, long while. He nodded stiffly, fumbling with the tiny device in his big hands.

“Alright, say uhm…rawr”, He muttered, already regretting his choice of words.

“Rawr”, F/N echoed and he could swear he'd heard a little rawr from Laura as well, as he took a couple of pics of the smiling pair next to the plastic dinosaur. (At least two of them had his thumb covering the lens)

F/N and Logan had switched places, the woman was pushing Charles in his wheelchair while Logan was walking with Laura, the little girl wasn't holding his hand and by far didn't look as animated as she'd looked with F/N, but she seemed content with walking beside him. Logan watched her and their environment closely, they were still in danger even if they were having fun. Oh. He was actually having fun. That was new.

He could see Laura throw glances at a stall that was selling brightly colored dino-shaped popsicles, they looked disgusting. Logan frowned softly, debating what he should do.

“Do you…want a popsicle, kid?” He finally asked gruffly. Laura looked up at him through big eyes as if she was thinking that he was asking her a trick question but then finally she nodded eagerly.

Logan handed her a couple of bills and let her run over to the stall.

“You're a great dad, Logan” he flinched as he heard F/N's teasing yet soft voice, a blush creeping up his neck. He coughed awkwardly:“She would have killed someone if I didn't -”

Laura returned shortly after, a sticky bright green dinosaur popsicle in her right little hand, her left one silently grabbed Logan's. He cringed, her hand was sticky. But as he looked down at her a sense of protectiveness and pride overcame him. This wasn't so bad. F/N threw him a little teasing wink.

He'd lost them, they were gone. He'd gone to help Charles in the bathroom and when they returned ten minutes later, they were gone. His thoughts were spiraling as he frantically looked around, trying to smell them, trying to find out what had happened.

Finally he found a familiar face but- He groaned softly, rubbing with his bare hand over his face. F/N and Laura had returned, their faces painted. Laura had seemingly chosen a rainbow unicorn design and F/N had gone with the ugliest Hello Kitty he'd ever seen. (You know which one I mean) “You two look…great” he finally huffed out, trying to ignore a laughing Charles: “I want that too! I want to be pretty too!”

“Oh! We should do that” F/N exclaimed pointing at some ride called Dinosaur Safari or something. As far as Logan could tell it was a car that drove on rails through a fake jungle with dinosaur animatronics scattered around. So basically the thing they'd been doing for the last few hours but in a fake car. Why the fuck not. “Let's do it” They checked with the personnel if Charles could drive too and after a little back and forth Charles and Logan were cramped in the back of the fake jeep and F/N and Laura in the front.

The tour was only a couple of minutes long, but it was alright, Logan thought. The girls and Charles seemed to immensely enjoy it so that was enough for him.

As they exited F/N grinned. “Look, they took a photo of us when we passed the t-rex!” Logan knew what was coming next: “F/N we don't need that-” Logan groaned, the woman shook her head. “Shut up. What are you? allergic to joy?” she teased without any malice.

“Here you go” she smiled, handing each of them a copy of the picture. Logan was about to make a comment, when F/N interrupted him with a raised hand: “The cashier was the sweetest, she gave me two of them for free” Logan knew she was lying, and F/N knew that he knew. Logan didn't say anything, simply shaking his head, a smile pulling at his lips.

Despite Logan's disdain, the old man got out his reading glasses, pushing them up his nose. As he looked at the photo, all of them smiling and F/N and Laura having their faces painted he felt incredibly warm. Full of affection and care for each one of them. His broken little family.

No.

No, they weren’t his family.

He wasn’t even Laura’s father. Not really.

—

They ended their stay at the park at the gift shop. Laura immediately picked up a little stuffed dinosaur. A velociraptor, like the one she and F/N had posed with earlier. He watched as F/N smiled warmly and bent down to Laura's level giving the stuffy a little pat on the head, like it was an actual living animal and not just some overpriced toy.

About half an hour later they left the park. Laura was now rocking a dinosaur shirt as well holding the velociraptor in her two little hands. F/N had gotten a new hoodie for herself with a velociraptor family printed on it. ‘that’s us’ she had joked with a smile on her lips and a spark in her eyes that Logan had missed so fucking much. His eyes landed on a plastic bag, just how much fucking money had she spent in that shop?

It felt wrong to be this happy after all these years. Like it wasn't meant to be. Logan felt it. And F/N felt it too. But they wouldn't talk about it.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Laura jumped on the dinosaur-themed bed, letting herself fall on the soft pillows. The rooms were quite nice. Clean and the decorations were amazing if you're into that whole dinosaur thing. Which Laura absolutely was. And apparently, F/N was too.

They'd gotten two rooms. Charles and Laura had two separate beds and F/N and Logan shared one big one. The rooms were connected by a door that could be locked.

“Laura and I are getting food, you wanna come along?” Logan looked up from their picture he'd been looking at, finger still lingering on F/N’s smiling face. He quickly stuffed it into the pocket of his jacket. F/N's eyes sparkled as she recognised the photograph they'd taken today.

He hummed, glancing at Charles who was watching TV. “Chuck, time for meds. Can I leave you alone for a while?” Charles hummed, deeply concentrated on the TV. Something about blue dogs from Australia. “I want a cheeseburger and fries” he muttered.

After giving Charles his meds and making sure he had actually swallowed them, Logan joined F/N and Laura who were already waiting for him at the door. F/N had taken off the face paint but Laura was still rocking the unicorn face. They both looked comfortable, still wearing what they had bought at the park earlier. “Let's go” Logan huffed, handing Laura her jean jacket.

—

The only food option in a mile radius was a lousy McDonald's. Logan sighed, it had to do.

It was dark outside when they stepped into the establishment, the smell of oil and food greeted them. The only other person in the ‘restaurant’ was a young woman behind the counter. A less than amused expression on her face as she mindlessly scrolled on her phone and F/N felt with her.

She guided them over to the order terminal (what the fuck do you call these things) “What would you like, Laura?” She asked, looking down at the girl with a kind yet tired smile. Logan adored her for her ability to stay kind and nice even if she was exhausted. Laura shrugged, taking a step forward to the slightly sticky display, she was a little too small to reach all of the buttons but that didn't stop her from selecting a Happy Heal and quickly slamming the quantity button. “Laura, you're not getting 26 Happy Meals” F/N laughed, squeezing her shoulder, the girl frowned up at her, the unicorn now a little smudged. “No chance”, F/N shook her head with a gentle smile. Laura crossed her arms at that and huffed out a breath, moping.

“Is it because you want another toy?” Laura nodded, still frowning, her claws peeking out between her knuckles just the slightest bit. Logan couldn't help but laugh slightly, Laura had gotten like a million things today and still, she wanted more. Well she was a child after all. But F/N hummed. “Sorry, Laura. Only one happy meal for you.” F/N spoke, voice apologetic as she grabbed a couple of napkins from a table and crouched down in front of the girl. With careful movements she wiped the blood droplets from Laura's little hands, making sure to be gentle, even though the wounds were already healed.

She smiled softly up at Laura. “You'll get a tummy ache” she explained seriously, examining Laura's now more or less clean hands: “I understand that you're angry, but hurting others or yourself isn't the right way to solve that, okay? Laura nodded reluctantly, lip still forming a pout, but she seemed to have calmed down now “It's okay. You're okay” F/N hummed, pressing a little kiss to Laura's hand. F/N had noticed that the girl was especially easy to irritate and lash out when she hadn't gotten enough sleep and was tired. She made a mental note to make sure that she went to bed on time tonight.

“What would you like, Logan?” F/N turned to the Wolverine. Logan frowned, his expression unreadable, then he sighed softly. What the hell was he doing? “A Happy meal”, he spoke quietly, as if embarrassed. F/N raised an eyebrow at him, her lips pulling into a knowing smile. “Oh Logan, the dad you are” she chuckled, choosing his order.

After that she put in Charles' order and hers, as well as two extra cheeseburgers because a single happy meal would never ever still the Wolverine’s appetite.

The girl behind the counter handed them their food, her eyes seemed to widen for a moment as they fell on Logan, before she quickly looked away, her attention back on the counter. F/N couldn't help but throw a nervous glance at Logan, he seemed to have felt the shift in mood too because he quickly grabbed Laura's hand, dragging her to the door. F/N followed close behind.

From the corner of her eye she could see the girl reach into her pocket, she held her breath as the girl pulled out her phone, pointing it at them, before quickly typing something. Shit. F/N froze, the flags couldn't get any redder and they couldn't risk anything tonight. She quickly turned around, fixing the girl with her gaze.

She hadn't done this in years. Hell, she had never wanted to use her powers again.

The girl was frozen in place, her body was unnaturally stiff and her eyes wide.

Logan had seen this before, only a couple of times. F/N had possessed the girl.

He had forgotten she could do that. Her movements were robotic, eyes darting over her phone in rigid movements. Reading what she had written. Logan watched, firm grip on Laura's hand. He was holding his breath.

A forced sigh left the girl’s lips her shoulders dropping in relief:

“We're good” the girl spoke, voice stiff and forced, as if it did not belong to her. Logan would have recognised this flow of words anyway, the way she pronounced the syllables, the melody of her voice. This was F/N speaking through the girl. His eyes wandered to F/N who was still standing in front of him, unmoving. His eyes widened slightly when her body began to sway slightly, threatening to fall over on the dirty floor. He quickly let go of Laura's hand and took a step forward to catch her body. He pulled out a chair and sat her down, before walking over to the stiff body of the girl grabbing the device from her and taking a look at what she had done himself.

He had to put his glasses on to read the message the girl had sent to someone, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“I think I just served the Wolverine a happy meal!? He's still so fine”

Oh.

Oh…

Makes sense.

(It’s me! I’m the cashier!)

Logan was looking at the young woman like he had seen a ghost, he was in utter disbelief. A second later F/N's lifeless body stirred on the chair, Logan quickly rushed over to her to make sure she was alright, while the poor worker rubbed her head in confusion and fear.

Logan helped her to her feet, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “You alright?” He whispered for only her to hear, she nodded softly in response.

They turned back to the girl whose face was an expression of terror and embarrassment, she was as white as a ghost.

F/N couldn't help but let out a genuine laugh. “You are so real for that” she grinned, snatching the phone from Logan and handing it back to the girl's shaking hands “I am so sorry about that” The young woman quickly shook her head. “No, no it's fine! I'm so sorry I shouldn't have taken a picture without asking…” F/N hummed. “I get it he's really fucking hot” she winked at Logan and he could feel himself blush, what the fuck was she doing.

“We're kinda trying to not draw attention to us at the moment so could you maybe not…make this public…besides the friend you already sent this to.” She added and the young woman quickly nodded. “Of course! Of course! So sorry, again.” Logan huffed. “It's fine. Didn't know I still had fans” The girl blushed, seemingly reluctantly to ask the following question. “Could we…could we maybe take a picture together? You're my idol” Logan let out a little perplexed huff, glancing at F/N who was nodding approvingly. “Fine but don't tell anyone about this. And don't post it”

The young woman apologised furiously again after that, her face beet red. “I am so sorry again, Mister Wolverine. Have a good night, and you too, Mrs Ghost!

The name left a bitter taste, she hadn't been called by her X-Men name in years.

The little table in their hotel room was covered in trash from their meal.

“Time to brush your teeth” Logan heard F/N's voice exclaim. He was drawn back to when he and she had babysat the students that one night when all of the other teachers were gone. How they'd let the kids stay up for two whole hours longer than usual. And how they'd shared kisses in the darkness of the lounge room afterwards.

He got up from his comfortable position to get Charles ready for bed, as well as give him his pills.

“You've got a pretty bad knot in your hair” F/N spoke softly after they'd brushed her teeth and cleaned her face off the paint. She eyed the mess that was Laura's hair after she'd jumped on the bed for the last hour. “Do you want me to help you?” The girl nodded, velociraptor in her hands, squeezing and poking it aggressively. F/N gently tugged at her hair, trying to get the knots loose with her fingers, she sighed softly, patting Laura on the shoulder: “I'll get my brush, give me a second”

She quickly got up, knocking on the bathroom door. “One second” Logan's voice was muffled behind the door followed by the unmistakable clanking of glass bottles and a string of quiet curses. She knew what he was doing in there.

But she wouldn't say anything.

They were both struggling, both just trying to survive. Both broken and fighting a losing battle.

Logan didn't look at her when he left the bathroom, avoiding her gaze like a dog that had been caught stealing. Again. He smelled like a bar and his eyes were just a tad more glassy than usual.

A brush was grabbed. “Sit down”, F/N patted the free space on the bed next to her. The girl hopped next to her onto the soft mattress. F/N began to carefully work the brush through her dark hair, the teeth catching onto the tangled strands. F/N was careful not to hurt her, letting her fingers run through her hair to try and loosen the knot.

“Sorry” F/N muttered as she had to pull a little, she was as careful as she could be but Laura's hair was stubborn as hell.

About fifteen minutes later F/N sighed softly, a tender look on her face: “All done.” She gave Laura a soft smile and patted her now tangle-free head. “Time for bed” But the little girl shook her head. F/N frowned softly, wondering what she could want. “Do you want to watch TV?” Laura shook her head “A game then?” Laura shook her head yet again, she was getting a little annoyed with F/N. “I'm sorry, sweetie, I don't know what you want, but maybe you could draw it?” Laura nodded and F/N got a notepad and a pen, both dinosaur-themed of course. Laura quickly snatched both and started to scribble. About two minutes later she handed the notepad back, a serious expression on her little face. F/N raised her eyebrows at the drawing, trying to make sense of it. She could recognize a person, maybe her? The figure had the same hairstyle as her “Who is that? Me?”, F/N asked and Laura nodded, happy that she understood.

F/N frowned softly in concentration, analyzing the picture. The figure's mouth was open and there seemed to be something coming out of it, she hummed, thinking about what Laura could mean: “Do you want me to…vomit???…are you feeling sick???” She looked at Laura in honest confusion and worry, the girl looked at her as if she was stupid, as if whatever she was trying to say was blatantly obvious.

The little girl rolled her eyes, gesturing with her hand and opening her mouth silently, F/N watched her carefully trying to make sense of the gesture and movements “Hm…Do you want me to read a story?” Again Laura shook her head, her patience running thin, meanwhile F/N was getting out of ideas “...Sing a song then?” An excited expression flashed over Laura's face and she nodded quickly. Finally.

F/N gave her a surprised look “Really? But I'm not a very good singer…what should I even sing” Laura gave her another serious look, communicating that she had wasted enough time already and should just start and F/N sighed “Alright, Laura. But after this, you go to bed, okay?” Laura nodded climbing next to her on the soft mattress, leaning against her in the closest thing to a hug F/N had seen from her. She felt her heart swell.

“There's this German song…a good friend of mine used to sing it to me when I couldn't sleep…” F/N could feel Laura nod against her side, she had rarely seen her this tired. She hummed in response, taking a deep breath. Trying to remember the words, the melody Kurt had once taught her, so many years ago.

Der Mond ist aufgegangen,

Die gold'nen Sternlein prangen

Am Himmel hell und klar.

Der Wald steht schwarz und schweiget,

Und aus den Wiesen steiget

Der weiße Nebel wunderbar.

(The moon has risen,

The golden stars are shining

In the sky bright and clear.

The forest is black and silent,

And from the meadows rises

The magnificent white mist.)

Logan paused when he heard that sweet, gentle voice of hers through the door, he was still getting Charles ready for bed, the old man not wanting to put on his pyjamas. As her voice carried over to them, muffled and soft Logan couldn't help but listen carefully and even Charles calmed down.

Wie ist die Welt so stille

Und in der Dämmrung Hülle

So traulich und so hold!

Als eine stille Kammer,

Wo ihr des Tages Jammer

Verschlafen und vergessen sollt.

(How is the world so quiet

And in the twilight envelope

So pleasant and so nice!

As a silent chamber,

Where you of the day's woe

Shall sleep away and forget.)

He had heard that song before. A dark memory he had thought he'd forgotten. Many years ago he had heard Kurt sing it to her after an especially bad nightmare, the melody reminding him of simpler times, of when everything seemed to be going to be okay.

The song was soft and calming yet carried a deep sadness. He could feel Charles’ hand on his arm, trying to silently reassure him. But it was only making it worse, tears sprang to his eyes and he wanted to do nothing more but to hide away and cry. He kept on listening, each line making his heart ache. Since when had he gotten so soft, so vulnerable?

Wir stolzen Menschenkinder

Sind eitel arme Sünder

Und wissen gar nicht viel.

Wir spinnen Luftgespinste

Und suchen viele Künste

Und kommen weiter von dem Ziel.

(We proud children of men

Are vain poor sinners

And know not much at all.

We spin webs in the air

And seek many arts

Yet get further from the goal.)

He did not know what exactly the words meant, but they carried a deep longing with them, pain and torment. Something He knew all too well. But behind the sadness was also something else, something brighter. Hope and comfort. Something about the moon he thought. She kept on singing and he listened, Charles staying quiet next to him on the bed, knowing very well what this moment meant to the Wolverine.

Woll'st endlich sonder Grämen

Aus dieser Welt uns nehmen

Durch einen sanften Tod!

Und wenn du uns genommen,

Lass' uns in Himmel kommen,

Du unser Herr und unser Gott!

(Do you finally want to take

Take us from this world

By a gentle death!

And when you have taken us,

Let us go to heaven,

Thou our Lord and our God!)

even through the wall he could hear the faint tremor in her voice, the deep grief, but he could also hear the soft smile that was undoubtedly pulling at her lips right now.

So legt euch denn ihr Brüder,

In Gottes Namen nieder;

Kalt ist der Abendhauch.

Verschon' uns, Gott! mit Strafen

Und lass' uns ruhig schlafen!

Und uns'ren kranken Nachbarn auch!

(So lie down, brothers,

In God's name lie down;

The evening breeze is cold.

Spare us, God! with punishments

And let us sleep peacefully!

And our sick neighbors too!)

A tear slipped down Logan's cheek, leaving a shimmering wet trail, a lump had formed in his throat. He felt like throwing up, why was this affecting him so much? It was just a song he barely understood. Nothing to get emotional over, he thought.

But she had sung it. She. His F/N.

He cleared his throat and quickly wiped away the tears with his sleeve, leaving behind small wet stains. “Let's put you to bed, old man” he rasped out and Charles didn't protest as Logan helped him into his pyjamas.

Logan's eyes fell on the bottle of pills on the nightstand on F/N's side of the bed. A grim reminder of how everything was not fine. How the whole day had been a lie. A happy lie, nonetheless. He pretended not to notice or not to care. It was an unspoken rule. She wouldn't say anything about his drinking and he in exchange wouldn't say anything about her pills. Simple.

He was already sprawled out on the soft mattress, his phone in his hands and his glasses on his nose, when F/N stepped out of the bathroom. Dressed in one of his old t-shirts he'd thought he'd lost as well as a pair of boxers. He for his part was only wearing boxers and his old wife beater (or should I say wife pleaser).

“I got you something too, Logan…” F/N’s voice was filled with warmth and she gave him a tired smile. He looked up in surprise as she rummaged through the plastic bag from earlier, pulling out a white T-shirt…with the velociraptor family on it. “I wanted to get you a matching hoodie…but I figured you wouldn't need it…too hot in the middle of the ocean…” His expression fell: “How do you-”

How do you know, he wanted to ask but she silenced him with a sad smile. She knew him too well, he realized: “You didn't think I wouldn't notice the brochures, did you?”

He sighed, of course she'd figure it out. “Listen F/N…when this is over…we can't stay together…” F/N was silent for a moment and Logan could see the unshed tears in her E/C eyes, his heart clenched painfully in his chest. The look in her eyes cut like a knife into his skin. He wanted to brush the tears away and tell her he'd never leave her, but it would be a lie. A pretty one, nonetheless.

She avoided his gaze when she spoke as if it was too painful to look him in the eyes: “I know…just…let me pretend for a couple of days longer…this is the closest thing I'll get to a family with you, I fear…” he took the T-shirt from her, the fabric soft beneath his calloused hands. “Thanks…love…” They fell silent after this, but Logan did not want the day to end like this. With unspoken feelings and longing.

“That was a…nice day. “, He'd meant to say ‘interesting’ or something else a little more neutral but there was no point in lying to her. He'd had fun.

She smiled tiredly, turning off the big lights only leaving her bedside table lamp on. She plopped down on the bed next to him, the mattress shaking a little at the impact. “I think Laura and Charles enjoyed it as well. As did I” she murmured, stretching her arms over her head to release some of the tension in her muscles.

“The kids at school would have liked it as well. Kurt too.” Oh.

Logan was silent for a moment.

“I think about them too. All the time.”

His voice was a gruff whisper.

And with a click the lamp was turned off.

The shuffling of blankets rang through the darkness followed by the unmistakable rattle of pills and a dry gulp. He imagined how the pill slit down her throat into her stomach, slowly, very slowly killing her.

The mattress quaked slightly as F/N shifted closer to him scuffling through the fabrics. She didn't need to say anything, he wordlessly pulled her against his chest. Her fingers mindlessly trailed over the rough fabric, tracing along the ridges and wrinkles, careful not to irritate his slowly healing wounds. He hummed softly, pulling her even closer, she could smell the cheap alcohol on his breath, his beard tickling her tender neck as he pressed a chaste kiss to her skin, brushing his lips over her pulse point.

He was warm, incredibly warm, his skin soft against hers as he snaked his hairy arms around her body in a gentle hug. “Goodnight, F/N” he murmured, pressing a kiss into her hair, breathing in her scent. He could stay like this forever.

[javierpenaismyhusband]

Chapter Two: Trouble

Javier Pena x m!reader

Chapter summary: Caleb realizes that Javier is his new history teacher when he walks into the classroom. He tries to corner him, but Javier quickly shuts him down, telling him it's not the right place for this. Just as Caleb is about to respond, the bell rings. Throughout the day, Caleb struggles with the thought of being in the same space as the man who broke him. When the time comes for history class, Caleb can't face Javier and decides to skip the lesson entirely. This pattern continues for two weeks, as Caleb avoids his history class altogether.Finally, after a fight with a boy named Jack in the hallway, Javier takes Caleb to his office, The tension between them is thick as Caleb, frustrated and hurt, opens up to Javier, saying the things he's been holding in for so long.

Chapter warnings: not smut in this chapter, a lot of thinking, fights,and kida fluff not sure.

Note: This is a big chapter with a lot of things happening. I think it’s kind of boring, but it's important for story development, so please be patient. I’m not sure which warnings I should include, and in some parts, I might repeat myself, but please let me know if you like it and want me to continue. Feel free to share your thoughts or any suggestions for fixes or things you think I should add. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

series masterlist

The sharp buzz of my alarm shattered the silence at 7:00 AM, dragging me out of sleep. As I reached to silence it, a sharp pain shot through my hand, and my body ached—especially my ass. The memories of the previous night flooded back, sinking my mood instantly. I pushed myself out of bed and trudged to the bathroom. Standing at the sink, I brushed my teeth and took a piss, but I couldn’t avoid the mirror. There he was: an 18-year-old kid with bleached blonde hair, skinny as hell, tattoos scattered across his right arm and back. A kid who, apparently, some random guy had mistaken for a prostitute.

That night left me feeling disgusted. Javier Peña—his name burned in my mind. I thought I was flirting with an older, hot guy at the bar, but then he tried to pay me afterward. It wrecked me.

I sighed and stepped into the shower, the hot water doing little to wash away the bad taste the memory left. Once I was done, I made some black coffee and threw together a quick sandwich before grabbing my skateboard. My car sat in the driveway, but I never used it for school—the campus was only ten minutes away by board.

I got there early, as usual. Early enough to enjoy a cigarette in peace at my spot, where I had a perfect view of the history classroom window. I dropped my bag onto the grass, unwrapped the sandwich, and ate in silence. Once I finished, I took out a cigarette and lit it up. The smoke curled up into the morning air, and I watched two teachers I couldn’t stand walk into the building. After about ten minutes, students started trickling in.

I stood up, tossing the cigarette butt onto the ground, and decided to head to the cafeteria to grab a water bottle. By the time I got back to my spot, something caught my eye in the history classroom. No way. It couldn’t be.

But there he was. Javier Peña.

The same guy who had screwed me last night and tried to pay me for it... now standing behind the teacher’s desk.

My heart raced, a wave of anger and disbelief washing over me. I was ready to bolt. I could have run and avoided him altogether. But then it hit me—this was my chance. My chance to make him feel as low as he made me feel.

I smirked and climbed through the open window. Casually, I pulled out another cigarette and lit it, staring directly at him. His eyes locked onto mine, widening in shock.

“No... what are you doing here? Don’t tell me that…”

Javier stood there, staring at me like he'd just seen a ghost. The bravado he’d worn like armor was cracking now. His eyes darted around the room, almost like he was trying to figure a way out, but there was no escaping this.

“Tell me…” he started, his voice quieter now, the confidence wavering. “Tell me at least you’re 18.” His eyes searched mine desperately, like he needed me to confirm it, needed me to say something that could save him from this mess.

I held his gaze, not saying a word, letting the silence stretch between us, just long enough for him to squirm.

“I’m eighteen,” I finally said, cool and calm. “But that doesn’t change what you did.”

Javier let out a sharp breath, relief flickering in his eyes for a split second before he rubbed his face again. “This is not the place for this,” he muttered, shaking his head like he was trying to reason with himself more than with me. “Do you have any idea what this could do to me? This could ruin my career.”

I shrugged, leaning back against the wall, pretending to think about it. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you pulled out your wallet last night.”

His face twisted in frustration, and he took a step closer, lowering his voice even more. “You don’t get it. If anyone finds out about this—” He cut himself off, glancing toward the door, paranoia creeping into his voice. “It’s not just my job. It’s everything.”

I laughed softly, pushing away from the wall. “Everything? Seems to me you were pretty willing to risk it all for a quick lay last night. But now, suddenly, you're worried about consequences?”

Javier’s face flushed red with anger and maybe a bit of shame. “This was a mistake,” he muttered, his tone sharp. “I shouldn’t have—”

“Paid for it?” I interrupted, my voice dripping with mockery. “Yeah, you shouldn’t have.”

He stepped even closer, and this time his frustration was boiling over. “Listen, Caleb. This isn’t a game. You need to drop this. We both do. Walk away, and no one has to know.”

I could feel the anger rising in me again, my heart pounding in my chest. “Just walk away?” I repeated, stepping toward him, my voice louder now. “You think I’m just going to forget how you treated me? You think you can just brush this under the rug because you’re scared?”

Javier’s hands clenched into fists at his sides. “I’m not scared,” he snapped, but there was a tremor in his voice. “I’m trying to protect both of us. You don’t know how bad this could get.”

But I wasn’t listening anymore. The anger, the frustration—it all surged up at once, and before I could stop myself, I shoved him. Hard.

Javier stumbled backward, hitting the whiteboard with a loud thud, his eyes wide in shock. For a moment, he just stood there, staring at me, like he couldn’t believe what had just happened.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he barked, his voice hoarse with anger, but I could see the panic in his eyes. The power he’d held over me last night was gone, replaced with fear—fear of what I might do next, fear of what this might cost him.

“You deserve worse,” I shot back, my chest heaving with the adrenaline coursing through me. “You’re lucky that’s all I did.”

Javier straightened, brushing himself off, but his hands were shaking now, his cool demeanor completely shattered. He looked at me, his eyes dark with a mixture of anger and desperation. “You don’t know what you’re messing with, Caleb. You think you’re in control here, but you’re not. This will destroy you too.”

I shook my head, stepping toward him again, standing just inches away. “Maybe. But you know what? At least I’m not the one hiding.”

Javier flinched at that, his face pale, and for the first time, I saw something like defeat in his eyes.

This wasn’t over, and we both knew it. But for now, I had him on the ropes, and that was enough.

I could see it in his eyes—the fear, the confusion, the desperation to regain control. But he didn’t have it anymore. I did.

As the silence stretched between us, I walked toward him slowly, deliberate with each step. His back was already against the whiteboard, nowhere for him to go, and the panic in his eyes flickered again. He opened his mouth, probably to say something, to plead or threaten, but before he could get a word out, I pressed my hands against the wall on either side of him, pinning him in place.

Our faces were inches apart now, the air between us heavy and thick with everything unspoken. He looked at me, eyes wide, searching mine for something—maybe a way out, maybe a sign that I was bluffing. But I wasn’t.

I leaned in closer, so close I could feel his breath on my skin. For a second, neither of us moved, the tension between us electric, until I closed the distance and pressed my lips against his. The kiss wasn’t soft or gentle; it was charged with everything we’d been holding back—the anger, the desire, the frustration. For a moment, he didn’t move, didn’t resist. He kissed me back.

Then, just as quickly, his hands came up to my chest, and he pushed me away, but not forcefully—just enough to break the kiss. His breathing was ragged, his chest heaving as he looked at me with a mixture of panic and longing.

“We can’t do this,” he breathed, his voice shaking, barely above a whisper. His hands were still on my chest, but they weren’t pushing me away anymore. “This… this is wrong.”

I smirked, stepping closer again, my body pressing against his, feeling the heat radiating off him. “Why not?” I asked, my voice low, teasing. “You didn’t seem to mind last night.”

Javier swallowed hard, his eyes flickering from my lips to my eyes, torn between what he knew was wrong and what he clearly wanted. “That was a mistake. You—” he stammered, but his words died in his throat as I leaned in again, brushing my lips against his neck this time, my hands trailing down his sides, slow, deliberate.

“You’re scared,” I murmured, my lips grazing his skin, feeling him shudder beneath my touch. “But I know you want this.”

Javier stood there, the weight of his words hanging in the air between us. His breath was ragged, chest rising and falling as he fought for control. I could see the conflict written all over his face—the panic, the desire, the guilt.

“I’m your teacher,” he finally said, his voice strained, like he was trying to hold onto whatever scrap of authority he thought he still had. “You need to understand that.”

I stepped closer, watching him try to brace himself, his body tensing as if he could somehow keep me at bay with those words. “Teacher,” I repeated, my tone laced with mockery. “Is that what you are now? You sure didn’t act like one last night.”

His jaw tightened, and he shook his head, frustration boiling just beneath the surface. “Last night was a mistake,” he said through gritted teeth. “I should’ve known better.” His hands were trembling, but he still pressed them against my chest, trying to create space between us. “This—this can’t happen. I can’t let this happen.”

I tilted my head, looking him dead in the eyes, my voice soft but cutting. “You can’t?” I whispered, moving just close enough that our lips were almost touching again. “Then why haven’t you stopped me?”

He sucked in a sharp breath, and I could see the way his pulse quickened, his body betraying him even as his mind screamed at him to get control. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not with me this close.

“Caleb…” His voice was barely audible now, pleading, as if saying my name would somehow anchor him. “This isn’t right. I’m supposed to be the one who—”

“Who what?” I interrupted, my lips brushing his ear as I spoke, feeling him shudder under the touch. “The one who teaches me? Guides me? Keeps me safe?” I pulled back slightly, just enough to look into his eyes, which were dark with conflict. “Because you didn’t seem too concerned about that when you were undressing me with your eyes last night.”

His breath hitched, the tension snapping between us like a live wire. “That was different,” he muttered, but the conviction in his voice was gone. “You… you weren’t supposed to be there.”

I smiled darkly, my hand slipping down his side, feeling him tense beneath my fingers. “But I was there, Javier. And so were you. So don’t pretend you didn’t want it.”

Javier’s eyes flickered, the guilt warring with desire in them, and for a moment, I could see him teetering on the edge. He opened his mouth, probably to protest again, but nothing came out. His hands were still on my chest, but they weren’t pushing me away anymore.

“I’m your teacher,” he repeated weakly, but the words felt hollow now, like he was saying them more to himself than to me, desperately clinging to a role he had already lost.

I leaned in, my lips brushing his neck, and he inhaled sharply, his whole body shuddering under the touch. “You’re supposed to have control,” I whispered against his skin, the heat between us rising. “But look at you. You don’t. Not anymore.”

He closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing, but I could feel him slipping. His hands curled into my shirt, fingers tightening as if holding onto me would somehow keep him from falling over the edge. “This could ruin me,” he whispered, his voice cracking with desperation.

I pulled back slightly, just enough to look him in the eyes again. “Maybe,” I said, my voice low, teasing. “But it didn’t stop you last night. You knew exactly what you were doing.”

Javier’s face flushed with anger, and for a second, I thought he might snap, might actually push me away with some real force. But he didn’t. He just stood there, frozen, torn between what he knew was wrong and what he wanted.

“You don’t understand,” he said, his voice hoarse, barely hanging onto control. “I have everything to lose. My job, my reputation—if anyone found out…” His voice trailed off, and he ran a shaky hand through his hair, clearly unraveling.

I moved closer again, pinning him against the wall, our bodies almost touching now, the tension thick in the air between us. “Then why are you still here?” I asked, my voice soft but dangerous. “Why haven’t you walked away?”

He looked at me, his eyes dark with something between fear and desire, his breathing ragged. “I’m supposed to protect you,” he said, but the conviction in his voice had all but disappeared.

I smirked, leaning in even closer until our lips were a breath apart. “Then do it,” I whispered, my voice a challenge. “Stop me.”

For a moment, we stood there in silence, his hands trembling on my chest, his eyes locked on mine. But he didn’t push me away. He couldn’t.

Javier’s face twisted in frustration, like he was trying to summon the will to do the right thing, but it was too late. He had already crossed the line, and we both knew it.

The silence stretched between us, heavy and electric. His chest was still rising and falling sharply, his hands shaking at his sides. I could feel the tension in the air, the way his eyes flickered between me and the door, like he was calculating how much time he had left before this whole thing spiraled out of control.

And then the bell rang.

The sudden sound snapped us both out of the moment. Javier’s head snapped toward the door, his expression shifting from frustration to panic.

“We’re out of time,” he said quickly, his voice low and urgent. His hands were shaking now, but he quickly straightened his shirt and motioned toward the window.

I didn’t say anything, just watched as he moved to the window, glancing back at me with that mixture of fear and something else I couldn’t quite read. The bell’s ringing was still echoing in my ears, but the gravity of the situation started sinking in.

“Go,” he said, his voice tight. “Out the window. Now.”

I stared at him for a moment, seeing the wild fear in his eyes, the way he was barely holding it together. This was it. He had stopped me. He had drawn the line. But even now, I could see how much he hated himself for it. He was trying to protect both of us—his career, his sanity.

I stepped closer, our eyes locking one last time, both of us breathing heavily, the heat still between us. The words I wanted to say hung in my throat—words that would push him, make him snap, but I knew it wouldn’t help. Not now.

I turned and climbed out of the window, the cool morning air hitting my face as I landed outside the classroom. I took one last look back, seeing Javier through the window, standing there with his back to me, his head bowed like he was still trying to process what had just happened.

The bell rang again, louder this time, as students began to pour into the building. I felt the weight of the moment settle on my shoulders, knowing that whatever had just happened between us was far from over.

But for now, I left.

The school day started in a blur, the kind of disorienting rush that felt more like a forced routine than anything else. First up was gymnastics. I never liked it, but I had to be there—probably the only class I could manage to make it through without feeling too much like an outsider. The gym was a typical mix of echoing voices, the sound of feet hitting mats, and the occasional whistle from Coach Mendez.

We spent the period working on basic stretches and balance exercises. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and at least it didn’t require me to think too much. My muscles were sore from last night, but I kept moving, trying to ignore the dull throb in my body. I didn’t even bother looking around at the other students. I kept my focus on the task at hand.

After gym came math—my least favorite class. Numbers, formulas, and equations. The kind of stuff that made my head spin. Mrs. Jordan was droning on about algebraic expressions, but I wasn’t paying attention. I kept glancing around, hoping to avoid thinking about last night, but it was impossible.

“Caleb,” Mrs. Jordan’s voice snapped me back to attention. She was a tall, stern woman with glasses perched on the tip of her nose, her eyes sharp like a hawk. “Do you have something to add to the lesson?”

I swallowed, feeling the eyes of the class on me. “No, ma’am,” I mumbled, looking down at my notebook.

She raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. “Then I suggest you pay attention, Mr. Ford,” she said, moving on to the next student.

I slouched in my seat, trying to focus, but my mind kept wandering back to Javier. The way his lips had brushed mine, the way he pushed me away afterward—everything from last night was still replaying in my head. I couldn’t get it out.

Finally, it was lunchtime. I made my way to the cafeteria, a dull sense of dread gnawing at my stomach. I didn’t feel like eating, but it was better than sitting through another class without some sort of distraction. I grabbed a tray and wandered through the line, not really paying attention to what I was picking out. A sandwich, a bottle of water, and some chips. The food didn’t matter.

As I was heading toward my usual spot, the far corner of the cafeteria where I could eat in peace, I saw him.

Javier.

And a woman.

My heart sank a little. They were standing near the salad bar, talking and laughing—laughing like everything was normal. He was wearing his usual dark jeans and a button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up just below his elbows, looking relaxed and… normal. The woman beside him was a teacher I hadn’t seen before. She was older than me, maybe in her mid-thirties, with dark brown hair pulled into a ponytail, wearing a flowy blouse. She was smiling, and Javier was smiling back at her.

It felt like something inside me snapped. Something I hadn’t even known was there broke.

I watched them for a moment longer, and that’s when he saw me.

Our eyes locked, and I could see the flicker of anxiety in his expression. His body tensed, his smile faltering, and I could tell that for a split second, he regretted even being in the same room as me. I could see the way he quickly glanced away from me, as if he was trying to pretend it didn’t happen. But it did. And I was standing there, feeling like an idiot. I wasn’t sure if it was jealousy or anger—probably both—but it stung all the same.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t do anything. I just… left.

I grabbed my tray and turned on my heel, heading toward the exit of the cafeteria. I didn’t want to see them together. I didn’t want to deal with the hurt that was starting to settle in my chest.

The rest of the day was a blur. Physics came next, but I couldn’t focus on anything Mr. Chang was saying. The laws of motion, force and acceleration, all of it felt like nonsense. My mind kept wandering back to Javier. What had he been talking about with that woman in the cafeteria? Did he look at her the same way he’d looked at me last night? Was I just a one-time mistake, something he could forget once the night was over?

I kept asking myself why I even cared.

Why the hell did it matter? He was nobody—just some guy I had a one-night stand with. It shouldn’t have meant anything to me. He shouldn’t have meant anything to me.

But still, there was this ache. This fucking gnawing feeling that I couldn’t shake.

Why did I care so much?

It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t like I knew him, really. I had barely spoken to him outside of last night. And yet, seeing him so relaxed with that woman—laughing, smiling, so fucking normal—had felt like someone had punched me in the gut.

I stared blankly at the notes in front of me, unable to concentrate. My mind wouldn’t stop. It kept coming back to him, like a constant loop I couldn’t get out of. Maybe I had let myself think there was something more between us. Maybe I was just hoping for something that never existed.

Sure! Let's dive deeper into Caleb’s thoughts as he processes the situation and his conflicting emotions about Javier. Here's the revised version:

The rest of the day was a blur. Physics came next, but I couldn’t focus on anything Mr. Chang was saying. The laws of motion, force and acceleration, all of it felt like nonsense. My mind kept wandering back to Javier. What had he been talking about with that woman in the cafeteria? Did he look at her the same way he’d looked at me last night? Was I just a one-time mistake, something he could forget once the night was over?

I kept asking myself why I even cared.

Why the hell did it matter? He was nobody—just some guy I had a one-night stand with. It shouldn’t have meant anything to me. He shouldn’t have meant anything to me.

But still, there was this ache. This fucking gnawing feeling that I couldn’t shake.

Why did I care so much?

It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t like I knew him, really. I had barely spoken to him outside of last night. And yet, seeing him so relaxed with that woman—laughing, smiling, so fucking normal—had felt like someone had punched me in the gut.

I stared blankly at the notes in front of me, unable to concentrate. My mind wouldn’t stop. It kept coming back to him, like a constant loop I couldn’t get out of. Maybe I had let myself think there was something more between us. Maybe I was just hoping for something that never existed.

The last class was history. And, of course, it was with him. Javier.

I sat at the back of the room, my head down, trying to avoid his eyes. He was standing at the front, scribbling something on the board, but every now and then, I could feel his gaze flicker over to me. I didn’t look up, not even when I felt that familiar weight of his attention on me. But I knew he was watching—his posture stiff, his movements hesitant. He was nervous. Uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be here, not with me in the room.

What did he expect? That I’d just forget about everything that had happened?

I had to remind myself—he wasn’t anyone special. Just a guy who’d made a mistake. That’s all it was.

Still, every time I felt his eyes on me, I could see the guilt there. The same guilt I was trying to push down, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I could almost hear him thinking, What the hell are you doing here?

It was too much.

I couldn’t do this anymore. I slammed my notebook shut, making the sound echo around the classroom. Everyone’s heads turned toward me, but I didn’t care. I grabbed my bag, yanking it off the floor with more force than necessary. My pulse was racing. My skin felt like it was burning with frustration.

I wasn’t going to sit here and pretend like everything was fine.

“I’m not feeling well,” I muttered, not bothering to look up as I slung the strap over my shoulder. My voice was tight, clipped. No one questioned it—no one ever did when I said something like that.

I stormed out of the classroom, not sparing a second glance at Javier. He was still standing at the board, probably frozen in shock. But I didn’t care. I didn’t want to see him, not like this. Not after everything.

The hallway was empty and cold, the silence almost deafening. My thoughts were a mess. Part of me wanted to turn around, go back, confront him. Ask him why it was so easy for him to forget me, like I was nothing more than a quick fix. But another part of me—the smarter part—knew that nothing good would come from that.

So why did I care?

I shook my head as I walked faster down the corridor, feeling the anger bubbling up again. He was just a guy. A teacher. Someone I barely knew. But I’d let myself get caught up in whatever this was, and now I couldn’t stop thinking about him, wondering if I was just some random mistake for him. Was he just embarrassed about what happened last night? Was I that forgettable?

I pushed the thoughts away as I reached the door to the outside. I stepped into the cold air, feeling the sharp breeze hit my face, clearing my mind for a second. But even as I walked away from the school, the weight of the day hung heavy on my shoulders.

I grabbed my skateboard and headed home, the weight of the day dragging me down with every step. I barely remembered the ride back, just the sense of needing to be somewhere quiet, somewhere far from all the mess I had in my head.

I didn’t want to think about Javier. I didn’t want to think about how he looked at me in class, or how I’d felt when I saw him with that woman. But no matter how hard I tried to push it all aside, it kept creeping back in. The way his gaze flickered to me like he was hoping I’d disappear. The guilt. The regret. It was all there, hanging between us.

When I got home, I didn’t bother going inside. I went straight to the roof.

I liked it up there. The world seemed a little quieter from up here, the noise of the streets fading into the background. The sun was beginning to set, casting long shadows across the city, and I could feel the cool breeze against my skin. I took out a cigarette from the pack I had in my pocket, lit it, and took a slow drag, the smoke curling around me like a shield.

I let the silence wrap around me, my thoughts swirling in my head. I could still feel the frustration, the tight knot in my chest, and the overwhelming sense of betrayal. It wasn’t even about the sex anymore. It was about how everything had felt afterward. How he had acted.

I exhaled slowly, staring at the horizon.

I’ll never step foot in his class again.

The thought hit me like a punch to the gut, but it also brought a strange sense of relief. He had made it clear that last night was a mistake, that it was something he wanted to forget. So why should I go back and face him? What was the point? I didn’t owe him anything, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to put myself through that again.

I took another drag of my cigarette, staring out into the distance as the sky turned dark. For the first time in hours, I felt like I could finally breathe again. The anger still simmered under the surface, but at least for now, I didn’t have to deal with it.

No more Javier. No more history class. It was over.

Two weeks had passed since that day. Since I’d walked out of history class and told myself I’d never go back.

And I hadn’t.

I kept up with my other classes, studying hard enough to maintain decent grades. Gym, math, physics—it was all manageable, and I was doing well, even though the frustration of everything that happened with Javier still gnawed at me. The only class I was completely ignoring was history. I hadn’t even thought about opening the textbook. It didn’t matter how well I was doing in everything else—history was a big, fat zero.

Eventually, it caught up to me.

One day, during lunch, the principal called me into his office. I sat there, staring at the bland walls, feeling a knot in my stomach as he asked, "Why haven’t you been attending Mr. Peña’s class?"

I lied. Said I was having some personal issues, that I wasn’t feeling well. He didn’t question it too much, but I could tell he wasn’t buying my story. Still, he let me go with a warning, telling me I needed to sort it out, or it would start affecting my grades more seriously.

As I left the office, my head buzzing with irritation, I ran into him. Javier. Of course, just my luck.

He was walking down the hall, his eyes meeting mine the second I stepped out. For a moment, we just stared at each other—me, trying to figure out how the hell I still cared, and him, looking like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words.

I didn’t give him the chance. I just brushed past him without saying a word, the weight of our unresolved tension pressing down on me harder than before.

I got to the hallway, still fuming, and that’s when it happened.

A kid—Jack, some obnoxious loudmouth from one of my classes—threw a ball right at my head. I felt it hit me square on the back, and I spun around, my fists already clenched. Jack was laughing, thinking he was hilarious. But I wasn’t in the mood.

Without thinking, I walked up to him and punched him in the nose.

He stumbled back, clutching his face, but then he punched me right back. That’s when the fight really started. Fists flying, kids gathering around, shouting, egging us on. I didn’t care. I didn’t think. All I could feel was the burning anger, the need to hit something, anything.

The teachers rushed in soon enough, pulling us apart before it could get worse. But the damage was done. My knuckles were bruised, my head was pounding, and I knew I was in for it.

One of the teachers grabbed my arm, leading me away from the crowd. And just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse, I saw Javier walking toward me.

“Come with me,” he said, his voice low, calm. Too calm.

He took me by the arm and led me toward his office. My stomach dropped as we walked, the reality of what had just happened settling in.

This wasn’t going to end well. Not for me.

As soon as we stepped into Javier’s office, the tension between us was suffocating. He didn’t say much, just told me to “stay here and wait.” His voice was calm but clipped, like he was holding back. I didn’t argue. I just did what he said and watched as he left the room.

The second the door closed, I stood up. My eyes were stinging, and my knuckles were throbbing from the fight. At least I wasn’t the one with the broken nose—that thought gave me a small, bitter sense of satisfaction. But the adrenaline was wearing off, and I was starting to feel the pain, both in my hands and somewhere deeper inside me.

I glanced around his office. It wasn’t much—a few bookshelves, a desk with papers scattered all over, and a framed picture on the wall that I didn’t bother looking at too closely. It was like the rest of him—organized on the surface, but with a mess just underneath.

I leaned back against the wall, flexing my bruised fingers. The silence in the room felt heavy, like it was pressing in on me, and for a second, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My thoughts were a jumble of everything—Javier, the fight, the fact that I’d probably just made things a hundred times worse.

Before I could spiral too deep, the door opened, and Javier walked back in.

He was carrying an ice pack and some clean paper towels. No lecture, no anger—just quiet efficiency. He walked over to me, his expression unreadable, and handed me the ice pack.

“Sit down,” he said, his voice steady but soft, like he was trying not to make things worse.

I hesitated for a second but did what he said, sinking into the chair. He handed me the paper towels, and I could see the way his eyes flicked to my bruised knuckles. He was probably trying to figure out what to say next, but all I could think about was how surreal this moment felt—him, the guy who messed me up in ways I hadn’t even processed yet, taking care of me after a fight I didn’t even want to think about.

As I reached out to take the ice pack from him, Javier’s grip tightened just enough to stop me. I looked up at him, but he didn’t meet my eyes—his focus was on my hand, bruised and swollen from the fight. Without saying a word, he gently grabbed my wrist and placed the ice pack back against my knuckles, holding it there with a firm but careful grip.

He finally spoke, his voice low and calm. “I’ve noticed you haven’t been coming to my class.”

I clenched my jaw, trying to pull my hand back, but his hold didn’t let up. “Don’t act like you care,” I muttered, the bitterness in my voice sharper than I’d intended. The words tasted sour, and the frustration from the past two weeks bubbled to the surface.

His expression stayed neutral, but I could see a flicker of something in his eyes. Guilt? Regret? It didn’t matter.

“I do care,” he said softly. “You can’t keep skipping, Caleb. You’re only hurting yourself.”

I scoffed, finally managing to pull my hand away, even though the ice pack fell to the floor in the process. “Hurting myself? Like you give a damn. You didn’t care back then, why should you care now?”

He sat back in his chair, watching me with that same calm expression, though I could see the tension in his shoulders. “This isn’t about what happened that night. This is about your future. You need to finish school.”

“Finish school?” I repeated, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “What for? So I can sit in your class and pretend like nothing ever happened? I don’t need that.”

Javier’s jaw tightened, and he leaned forward slightly, his voice a little firmer now. “If you don’t come back, you’re going to fail this year. Again.”

The words hit me like a punch to the gut, but I didn’t let him see it. I wasn’t about to give him that satisfaction. Instead, I just stared back at him, my anger simmering beneath the surface. “Maybe I don’t care,” I shot back, my voice quieter now, but still laced with defiance.

He sighed, leaning back in his chair, rubbing a hand over his face. “You’re throwing it all away, Caleb. Over something that doesn’t have to ruin everything.”

I wanted to argue, to throw something back at him, but the truth was, I didn’t know what to say. Part of me knew he was right—I couldn’t keep skipping class. I was on a path to fail, and for what? To avoid him?

But the other part of me, the one still hurt and angry, couldn’t let it go.

The tension in the room thickened as Javier’s words hung in the air. It felt like a suffocating weight pressing down on me, and before I could stop myself, I snapped.

“What do you want from me?” I shot up from the chair, the anger bubbling over, spilling out in every direction. My voice was louder than I’d intended, but I didn’t care. “You think I don’t know I’m screwing this up? You think I haven’t been trying to bury that night, to forget about it?”

Javier sat there, silent, his eyes on me, but I couldn’t stop now.

“Fuck!” I ran a hand through my hair, pacing the small space of his office. “I’ve been trying so hard, so hard to act like none of this matters, like you don’t matter. But every time I think I’ve got it under control, something happens. And then I see you with that woman, laughing like none of it even touched you, and it all just… falls apart.”

I stopped pacing, my breath ragged, my fists clenched at my sides. “I know we don’t have anything. I know it was just one night, and I don’t even know why I care so much. I shouldn’t! But for some reason, I can’t fucking let it go!”

I locked eyes with him, my chest heaving with the weight of everything I’d been holding back. The silence between us was deafening, and in that moment, I felt completely exposed, like I’d ripped open a part of myself I wasn’t ready to show.

Javier’s face was unreadable, his usual calm expression masking whatever storm might be brewing beneath the surface. He didn’t say anything for a long time, just watched me as if trying to piece together the right words.

But the damage was done. I’d said too much, let too much slip. Now, I could only wait for whatever came next.

Javier stood up, his eyes searching mine, as if he was trying to find the right words—maybe even the right way to respond. But before he could say anything, he just stepped toward me. And without a single word, he pulled me into a hug.

At first, I froze. I didn’t expect this. His arms wrapped around me, his grip tight, as if he was trying to take all the anger and the weight of the night away from me. I could feel the warmth of his body, the familiar scent of his cologne—everything about him was just… there. For a moment, I felt something inside me soften.

But I couldn’t let that happen. Not now. Not with everything I was feeling.

I pushed him away, hard. The force of it was enough that he stumbled back a step, his expression flickering with something I couldn’t quite read—surprise, maybe, or disappointment. But I didn’t give him the chance to say anything. I turned, storming out of his office, feeling a mix of rage and confusion.

I wasn’t going to let him hold me like that. I couldn’t let myself fall for whatever the hell he was trying to do.

I walked down the hallway, my anger still bubbling, and headed straight to the principal’s office. When I pushed open the door, she looked up from her paperwork, her expression calm but unreadable.

"Caleb," she greeted me, as if she wasn't expecting to see me. "I wanted to talk to you about the fight."

I didn't beat around the bush. "How many days of detention do I have?"

She glanced at her calendar and raised an eyebrow. "You don't have detention, Caleb. But I'll have you apologize to Jack."

Before I could say anything else, Javier appeared in the doorway, his eyes catching mine briefly. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he stayed silent, watching from a distance as I stood there.

I ignored him and turned my attention back to the principal. "Just give me detention," I said, my voice blunt. "I'm not saying sorry to that asshole."

She stared at me for a long moment before nodding, as if she had already expected this response. "Three days, then," she said, scribbling something in her book. "I expect you to return on Monday."

I didn’t say anything. I just turned on my heel and walked out of the office, my mind still a whirlwind of anger and confusion.

As I passed Javier, he said nothing. But I could feel his eyes on me—like he was waiting for me to turn around, to give him one last glance, or even a word.

But I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. Instead, I just walked out of the school, feeling the weight of everything—my fight, the hug, and the mess I’d gotten myself into.

I was taking three days off. Three days to figure out what the hell I was doing, and what the hell he was to me.

Next Chapter

[paeliae-occasionally]

Can I get an info dump on runics? they have been intriguing me.

Yes absolutely!

Just as a warning this post is very long but split into sections so just read the parts that interest you!

Basics

So runic is a method of casting which involves fully breaking the simple components out of strands. The rune itself acts as a catalyst to reduce the energy needed to break those very strong bonds.

Over the years the misconception has spread that the runes themselves contain energy but that is not true. One specific rune contains ‘active sites�� for a specific combination of simple components that already exist in the world around them, that when joined produce a strand that has the effect of the desired spell.

Invention

They were first invented by the god Ezemhaziel and his partner Rin. They invented the mechanism and designed 5 functional runes before Rin was murdered by mortals with the blessings of other gods.

In Ez’s grief he cursed the runes so that anyone who would use that great power must have suffered the same grief Ez suffered. This was mainly to prevent their work being ransacked and abused by mortals and it is now deeply engraved on the very method of casting runics use.

Rediscovery - The cults

After Ez left the world the runes were abandoned for a long time until a group of travellers (The Ponturesi) stumbled on the lab where Ez worked and sought to claim the power of runes for themselves. They started researching the runes themselves but being unable to use them they nearly gave up. Eventually they decided to share the discovery with two other small scale researchers nearby (The Avandil and Vandris) to see if they could make sense of it. Upon researching the runes and Ez their creator, a member of the vandris found an old folk tale which told a variant of the Arcanic dawn, (How mortals frost got magic) in which Ez turned his back on and cursed his creations so to use them you had to be as broken as he was. The Vandris brought this theory to the Ponturesi who at first had some moral objection to hurting people just to test a theory but eventually agreed to testing with pre-traumatised people. Over the next few years, they carefully selected and collected 5 children and young adults who were living on the streets and took them in to be subjects for their experiments. They morally justified this by giving them good quality housing and food despite literally giving them the magical equivalent of nuclear weapons to test.

The first few children were just unable to use runes so were dismissed but of the 7, 1 seemed to show potential. This kid had seen his closest friend die a year before so he didn’t just have trauma, it was grief.

This kid was given the original rune Piko, the rune of Unbinding, and the first time he cast it he unbound the bricks in a wall from each other then broke apart the bricks and when the walls were nothing but rubble he turned to a person and unbound the skin from their flesh and the flesh from their bones until the giant power over use burned the kid up.

Not only did this prove that the runes work, it also showed the Ponturesi how powerful they were. This display of raw power only drove them further into their research and they became more willing to use extreme methods to harness this power.

Xaeren

Around this time a young boy’s parents were brutally murdered in their house. The killer was never found but the child was in the house when it happened and managed to survive and make it to social services.

The Ponturesi view him as the perfect candidate for their next trial so they take him in. They decide this time to slowly introduce him to magic and magical theory before they give him runes, so this kid is raised by a bunch of researchers who intensely tutor him in magical theory (they do not treat him well as you can assume) and also keep him isolated and hidden so if he too dies in the process, no one will come looking for him.

When he is deemed old enough, he is given the rune Xaeren and placed in a room alone. The thinking is that a rune that affects souls with no souls in the vicinity will be less dangerous.

The kid does learn to cast runes and is named Xaeren after the rune. He becomes proficient in all 5 of the original runes but the Ponturesi keep mistreating him. (Shockingly they weren’t just doing it for the runes but they were just bad people) Eventually he makes a plan and tears all of their souls from their bodies. Lots of fun.

New Runes

Over his lifetime Xaeren invents 42 more runes all made to fulfil a specific need he had at the time. This leads to the runes being disproportionately focused on expedited movement, destruction, general annoyances etc.

But there are hypothetically millions of different runes that could be made to do almost anything.

The New Runics

In the modern day the Runic cults are still very much around. They have expanded their operation since Xaeren and now usually each family has from 5-30 active Runics at any one time. This includes Apollo and Tyro who were both taught runes by the Ponturesi. Over time the cults have become less concerned with taking only pre-traumatised children and have started instilling more trauma themselves. It only seems to be getting worse. Apollo’s story focuses on them trying to take down the runic cults and stop more kids getting hurt.

Thanks for the ask! Feel free to ask any follow up questions.

Tag list here:

@thelovelymachinery, @an-indecisive-nerd, @the-letterbox-archives, @oliolioxenfreewrites, @winvyre

@happypup-kitcat24, @wyked-ao3, @leahnardo-da-veggie, @alnaperera, @dearunreliablenarrator

@rumeysawrites, @urnumber1star, @seastarblue, @thecomfywriter

[yo-yo-yeonkai]

PAGES OF OUR YOUTH - CHOI YEONJUN - SFW

Choi Yeonjun x Fem!reader

Genre: Fluff

Warning list: Childhood bestie! Yeonjun, non-idol AU!, a slow burn, possessiveness, misunderstanding, they are both so clueless it hurts, underage drinking, alcohol, parties, swears, not proofread entirely, let me know if I missed any,

Word count: 14,070

Summary: You both kept dairies growing up and reading them now shows the desperate yet beautiful love story you had… who knew two people could view things so differently.

A/N: All of (Y/N)'s writing will be in italics with a pink date, whilst Yeonjun's will have a blue date, Anything their daughter says or is current time will be in bold

Extra: I’m sorry this is so long… it is interesting though, I promise!!!!

Happy Birthday Yeonjun <3

Fuck it was dusty up here, how dare Dad send her up here, she was practically choking on the air. Smelled old…like him, she laughed at her own jokes and kept searching for it. Why did she have to ask dumb questions….

A few days ago, she asked ‘’some parents have a box of their child’s things, do you have one for me?’’, and to that, her dad said, ‘’yeah, if you want it, it’s in the attic with a pink lid, it has your name on it. it’s easy to find’’.

Her dad offered to go and get it at that point, but she said no. God how she wished she’d said yes... this was unbearable.

It was clean up here but somehow dusty as fuck, the light shone over all the specs, and she could clearly tell which things had been moved more recently than others. She found the box, among other boxes. One said her mum’s name and one her dad’s name… cool they have childhood boxes too…

Let's see how ugly they were as children!

But what met her was much more confusing, it was a letter, from her mum to her dad, it was in her dad’s box. And the next one was, and each one had a date…

Oooo, what if she was to line them all up in timeline order? She was going to… because she was curious! But first, she had to clean this room and get her bean bag up here. That is how the 18-year-old dove into her parent's memories, not so accidentally finding out all about their relationship.

Once each note or letter was lined up in the folder of a book, and she acquired her parent's childhood diaries from the bottom of their boxes, she began flicking through them.

2005, September, 5

School today! It was okay. Beth tried to take my snack. She is mean! The teacher told her off. Mum says good. So do I. New boy in school. He wasn’t here last time. Where did he come from? I don’t remember his name. he looked weird.

2005, September, 5

School started. It was a new one. I don’t like it. nobody spoke to me. This girl got a bully told off. That was cool. I think her name was (Y/N). She seemed smart.

2005, September, 7

New boy lives next door! Mum made me say hello. I said no. but she never hears me. She must not like me. I love my mum. She must hate me. I feel sad. I still don’t know his name. he didn’t say hello. He must hate me. Now I’m sadder.

2005, September, 7

(Y/N) is my neighbour. She came over with her parents. I got scared because she is cool. She said hi. I didn’t. I’m mean. She probably thinks I’m stupid.

2005, October, 16

Mum keeps making me go to his house. I don’t want to speak. Not to him. He looks at me weird. He must hate me to the max. Mum says no. She is a liar. His parents are nice. Not as good as mine. Good. My mum and his mum are friends. Just like me and Hana. Good. Mum should have friends as well.

2005, October, 21

They keep coming to my home. Mum and Dad say it is because we are friends. I didn’t know. Me and her are friends? ok.

2005, November, 19

New boy stayed in his room when we came over. His mum said he was sick. She lied. I could hear him singing. It was good. I like singing too. Maybe we can be friends. I’m bad at singing. He will think I suck. We can’t be friends.

2005, November, 19

They are at my house now. I locked myself in my room. Mum told me to come out or (Y/N) wouldn’t want to be my friend. I don’t care. She scares me. She is quiet at school but loud with her parents. She must be a transformer or something weird. I’ll block her out with my singing.

2005, December, 17

Nearly Christmas! So excited! Mum told me to give Yeonjoon something. I asked Mum his name. I had to write it on a card. He is Yeonjoon. I don’t know what to get him. We aren’t even friends. He is just a weirdo. Maybe he’d like a rock as well? Do all kids like them? Hana doesn’t. But I do! Yeonjoon probably won’t.

2005, December, 21

Christmas. I can’t wait to get new toys. Dad made me sign a card for (Y/N). ok. Mum said I should pick her a flower for Christmas. There are no flowers around. I looked. Mum must have meant it as a joke. I should’ve laughed instead of being serious.

2005, December, 25

Yeonjoon’s family is coming over today. I don’t want them to. This day is meant to be for my family! Not other families. Mum says I should spend time with people I like. I told her I didn’t like him. She told me that was mean. Oh well. I must go now. The doorbell is ringing.

I’m back. I showed Yeonjoon Yeonjun my rocks, he didn’t care. I knew I shouldn’t have offered him one. He took it anyway. It was the small one, named Sam. I liked that one. I hope he doesn’t lose it.

2005, December, 25

Christmas today. I just opened all my presents. I got so many cool things. Mum told me to get ready because we are going to (Y/N)’s house after lunch. I decided not to fight it. Today should be happy. So I will be.

I’m home. We went to (Y/N)’s house. Food was yummy. (Y/N) spelt my name wrong on the card, so I corrected her. She seemed sad. I was sad she spelt it wrong. I got hers right.

We went to her room to play. She collects rocks. That’s not normal. She gave me one as a gift. It was weird but I picked one. The smallest one so she wouldn’t get sad. She called it Small Sam. It was funny that it had a name. I’ll keep him in my bedside table, so I don’t lose it. first Christmas gift I got from a friend.

2006, January, 29

I know Yeonjun lost Sam, he’s not in Yeonjun’s room. my small rock baby died. Because of Yeon-poop-jun. I hate him.

2006, January, 29

She was mad today. She was looking all around my room. I asked her what she wanted. She said she was only looking. Weird girl. It was kind of funny. I hope she wasn’t judging.

2006, April, 2

Yeonjun came over again today, he brought Sam. We played with rocks. He even went to the garden and found his own rock. Why is he nice? I’m sorry Yeonjun for thinking you killed Sam. I’m glad you like rocks as well.

2006, April, 2

I went to (Y/N)’s house because I was bored. Mum told me I should see if she wanted to play. So I brought Small Sam because I know she likes rocks. She was happy. We played rocks. She had more rocks to play with than me. I went to her garden and found my own one. I named him Gerard. Seemed right. I had fun even though they were rocks.

2006, June, 14

I had a thought when I was playing with Gerard and Sam. What if (Y/N) is poor and has no money for toys? That would be sad. I told Mum we should get her something. She said no. That (Y/N) had toys. She just likes rocks. Odd.

2006 July, 22

I have nobody to play with apart from Poop-Jun. Summer is boring. I wish my friend lived as close as Yeonjun. then I could play with them. Yeonjun is boring now. He got annoyed with my rocks. I thought he liked them. If he was a rock I’d put him in the toilet and flush it.

2006, July, 22

I went to (Y/N)’s. I was trying to see if she had toys. Mum says she does. I’m not sure. I asked if we could play with something that isn’t rocks. She got sad. I didn’t mean to make her sad. I was just checking if she was poor. If she was. I’d give her a toy. She got mad that I wouldn’t play rocks and kicked me out.

2006, September, 4

I didn’t speak to Yeonjun all summer after the rock thing. I saw him in school today. He has glasses now. He looks silly. I wanted to laugh but I knew I shouldn’t. I kept my head in my book all day.

2006, September, 4

(Y/N) still seemed mad about the rocks when we went back to school. I hoped she wasn’t. I feel bad that she does. She laughed at my glasses. On purpose to get back at me. Mum said I had to keep my glasses. But I hate them now. I don’t want her people to make fun of me.

2006, October, 31

Me and Yeonjun went trick-or-treating together. It was fun. He was a pirate. I was a princess. Our mum’s made us match. We looked good. I had pink hair spray. I looked pretty.

2006, October, 31

Halloween. (Y/N) was a princess. She had pink hair. I thought only adults could have coloured hair. Her mum told me it was fake. I asked if it was a wig. She told me no and showed me it was a spray. She asked me if I wanted some. I did. I got a streak of pink. (Y/N) told me it was pretty. She called me a princess. I was a pirate. But ok.

2007, February, 9

Mum told me Yeonjun and I are two peas in a pod. What does that mean? Peas are gross. Are we gross? Maybe he is but I am not. How mean!

2007, February, 21

Mum said me and (Y/N) are like magnets that could stick together but chose not to. She explained it to me. It was confusing. Magnets have two poles. If you put opposite poles against each other they join. If you put the same poles together they push apart. Is she saying I push (Y/N) apart? Do I need to spin around? I don’t get it.

2007, May, 7

Me and Yeonjun don’t speak in school. Isn’t that weird? Are we friends? I don’t know. But every time I hear a fun song I write it down and put it in his letterbox. I hope he likes it. He likes singing.

2007, June, 29

I was walking home today and I saw a rock. I thought it looked like a heart and I thought of (Y/N). She would like that rock. So I kicked it home and left it near her front gate. Hopefully she will see it and like it. I thought it was cool.

2007, June, 30

You won't believe it! I found the cutest rock ever today. It was near my house's front gate. It looks like a heart. When I looked up I saw Yeonjun with his head out of the door watching me. I decided I’d call it Yeonjun. it seemed fitting. He shouldn’t have been watching if he didn’t want me to use his name. hehehehe!

2007, June, 30

OMG! She just picked up the rock and saw me. She smiled at me. Does she know it was me? Oh no. wait. Maybe that isn’t bad.

2007, August, 1

I heard Yeonjun singing one of the songs I suggested today. So I asked how he knew it. I hoped he didn’t know it was me. He said his parents write notes for him to suggest him songs. He says the songs are good. That’s good! Because it isn’t his parents. It’s me!

2007, August, 1

(Y/N) complimented the song I was singing today. I’ll have to thank Mum and Dad for suggesting it. she seemed happy that she knew the song. Note to self: It’s one of her favourites.

She closed the diaries and sighed, ‘’Dad, that note to self was not helpful. How am I meant to know what song was Mum’s favourite? Grandma and Nana were doing all the work, goddam. Going to have to make a few phone calls after this. God, they were so clueless back then. Dad clearly likes her!’’. The slow-burn love story was driving her crazy, but she was invested. How did her parents fall in love? This would be the perfect inspiration for her creative writing project.

She picked up the next diaries, it looked like they were in secondary school now.

2010, September, 4

Looks like me and Yeonjun are still going to the same schools, how annoying. I thought I would finally be able to escape him, but I was dreadfully wrong. Yeonjun’s mum told me about us being magnets yesterday. She is clearly crazy. Me and Yeonjun aren’t even the same creation. He is cool and talented, and I’m just me. Was she just trying to show off her son and make me feel bad? Probably not, but it worked.

2010, September, 10

Apparently, the school want us to keep diaries, so we can stay in touch with ourselves and our mental health. Bullshit if you ask me. But whatever. I like writing, but when I’m forced to like this, it makes me want to shove a pen in my eye. Same way seeing (Y/N) at school does. She’s always around me, I feel like we are joined! I just want to grab a pair of scissors and cut the thread connecting us!

WAIT…. NOOOOO! I just made myself think about the red thread of fate! Oh, fuck no! Brb, going to die.

2010, November, 13

Yeonjun is so popular at school that it hurts. I used to be the only one that knew he was talented, but now it's different. He wants the whole school to know so he can climb the social ladder. What a bitch. He’s just rubbing it in my face that I’m not cool, I’m just a nerdy quiet girl. Well, fuck him!

2010, November, 27

(Y/N) was in the library again today, I could see her as I left to go to the field. She’s always in there. Maybe I could convince her to come and play with me? I doubt it. she hates talking to me at school. Fine, whatever she wants…

2010, December, 24

Yeonjun won’t be here this Christmas, he’s gone to spend it with more family. It’s weird knowing he won’t be coming for dinner, he has been since we were 6, we are 12 now. OH, MY GOD, I’ve known him for 6 years. GROSS!

2010, December, 24

(Y/N) told me to have a nice time visiting my family when I saw her earlier, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. Maybe she feels the same way I do. I love my family but, in a way, (Y/N) and her family became part of my Christmas. We’ve spent 6 Christmases together, it will feel wrong without her, I know that much.

2010, December, 25

Christmas was great, in a way it was peaceful without Yeonjun around. But I'm not sure if I like that or not yet. It felt a little dull without him, but I still had fun. I felt really close with Mum and Dad today, it hasn’t been like this in years.

2010, December,25

It sucks here! Not even my cousins could make me feel better. I want to go back home. I should be happy… I haven’t seen my family all together like this in years. But thoughts of (Y/N) keep coming to mind, and I miss her. I hope she’s at least had a nice Christmas. I’ll call her later, so I know she isn’t bored without me.

2011, January, 1

Happy New Year! Yeonjun came last night and surprised me and my family. It was nice, so nice I forgot to write about it. I’m glad I got to speak to him in person again because his calls every evening got boring. He danced and sang a lot last night, he made all the grown-ups laugh. I wish I could bring joy to people like that. I’m jealous.

2011, January, 1

It’s the new year now. Mum told me to make a resolution. I told her I did, but I'm a stinking liar. I know I’m not going to stick to that. Perhaps I should make it something like ‘’call (Y/N) every night to annoy her’’ or maybe something useful like ‘’sign up to dance club’’. Maybe the last one is smart. I don’t like the other one, I don’t want to annoy (Y/N), she’ll only start hating me.

2011, March, 30

Yeonjun started doing dance club recently, and now he’s always late home and late places. I heard our mums talking about it. I couldn’t imagine being late for anything. He's got too much on his plate, he's out of touch with what he's capable of.

2011, April, 7

(Y/N) told me I should start being on time for things today. All because I was late to school and then late to her house after club. It’s not my fault I’m tired and busy. She’s not my mother! She’s got big boots because she does every piece of homework the day it's set and hands it in early. I must be stupid in her eyes. It’s not that I can’t do it… I just can’t time myself well.

2011, May, 18

Rumour got around at school quickly that Yeonjun finally got a detention for his tardiness. I want to say good, but I feel kind of bad. I know he works hard he just can’t organise himself. All he needs is someone to keep him on track. Maybe I’ll message him something like ‘’Do you need my help. We can Facetime and talk about the homework the night it's set, and both get it done together’’. Yeah, that seems nice, I'll message that.

Oooo, he responded. He took me up on my offer. He wants to call now so I’ll go. Time to be a hero…

2011, May, 29

Thank God for (Y/N)! ever since she started helping me, I can control myself a bit better. My homework gets handed in on time and because I’m less stressed, I sleep better, which means I wake up on time for school. She’s a blessing, isn’t she? A little time angel.

2011, July, 6

I regret saying I'd help Yeonjun. he started coming over to my house every evening so we could work on homework together. It’s better this way, but it’s annoying. He doesn’t knock! It drives me crazy. Every time I remind him knocking is a thing he says ‘’Yeah, next time’’. BUT HE NEVER DOES!! Next time I’ll hit him, I swear.

2011, July, 27

I’m so glad the school year is over and me and (Y/N) got closer. I think my New Year’s resolution worked for both ideas I had. ‘’Sign up to dance club’’, well it also did the same thing as ‘’Annoy (Y/N) more’’. Though she doesn’t seem to hate me. Cool!

She put down the book and practically slapped her head ‘’How dumb are you both?’’ she questioned sizing up the next book that seemed to be from year 11. She wonders why there are so many gaps in between. Then she remembers the thing her dad wrote about being forced to keep a diary.

2014, September, 7

School started again… unfortunately. The summer was nice this year. Me and Yeonjun hung out nearly every day. He didn’t really give me a choice, he was always barging in. No, he still hasn’t learnt how to knock. It drives me insane. I punched him in the arm last time, he only laughed like a maniac. Fucking freak.

He’s in my Maths class now, he was the set below last year. Clearly, all the studying I helped him do pay off. I’m proud of myself, and him I suppose. He sits next to me now. He passes me notes. I’ll stick them on the pages.

You look like a nerd when you concentrate, did you know that? -Yeonjun <3

As if I give a fuck, who does he think he is? Sending me notes when I was trying to concentrate like a nerd! That was not helpful Yeonjun!

2014, September, 7

WINNING! I got moved up a set! To (Y/N)’s set, which means I’m a genius by the way. She even sits next to me. That means I can cheat! Not that she’d let me… she believes strongly in hard work, and so do I. That’s why I worked so hard over the summer to get better, I don’t need perfect grades for being a musician, but getting them would be nice.

I sent her a post-it note in maths class, I don’t remember what It said but she sent one back. Why didn’t she just write on the one I gave her and hand it back?

Shut your mouth Poop-Jun, focus. Or you’ll become dumb again <3

-(Y/N)

Did she seriously call me POOP-JUN!! like a child? It’s kinda cute funny!!!!!!!!! I’ll have to make up a dumb name for her. Game on (Y/N)

2014, October, 31

I’m going to a party tonight, for the first time in my life. All because Yeonjun asked… I hate this man. I heard there would be alcohol, we aren’t old enough for alcohol. I voiced my concerns to Yeonjun, but he told me that was normal. What? I didn’t know that… underage drinking is normal. Had he drunk before? Why?

2014, October, 31

I finally convinced (Y/N) to come to the Halloween party with me. Thank fuck. Maybe I can teach her how to drink today before we get to college, and she embarrasses herself. Even if she did, I’d still like her. NOT IN A WEIRD WAY!! I just mean that I’d still be her friend!!

She sighs at her dad and mumbles ‘’I think the boy doth protest too much… nobody asked how you meant it, dad!’’

2014, November, 1

I feel like such a bad child. I need to confess that I drank last night. Not because Yeonjun told me, but because I was curious. He did offer me, but he warned me first. I heard him out but even after his lecture I still did it. he decided not to because I had, and he wasn’t sure if I could take it. Turns out I couldn’t take it that well and Yeonjun tried to take me home, I tried to tell him not to because of my parents. He already knew that though; he’s known my parents for more than half his life!!

We went to his instead and he let me sleep in his bed, he slept on the blow-up bed on his floor. It was weird having a sleepover with him, especially drunk. I remember looking off the bed and seeing him on the floor sleeping peacefully. I wished I could sleep peacefully, but the urge to throw up last night stuck like a nasty bug.

2014, November, 1

Note to self: (Y/N) absolutely can’t drink!!

God, it was so cute funny! She drank quite a lot, more than I'd expected. She seemed to have a lot of fun. But suddenly she kind of fell backwards against me. At first, I thought she was trying to put the moves on me, and I froze, but I quickly realised it was because she was drunk. She was losing control of her body. Though she protested when I tried to take her home, she eventually gave in. under one condition, not her parent's house. Did she think I was an idiot? I already knew that! I wasn’t born yesterday! Her parents might kill both of us. But my parents didn’t care… who do you think drove us home? Dad picked us up and I explained it to him. He came up with the solution of her sleeping over.

I froze once again at the thought… (Y/N), sleeping in my house? That was new! Fine, whatever. I agreed to it. I sent her parents a message on her phone so they wouldn’t suspect anything. Genius.

She was gone when I helped her into my bed, instantly collapsing. It was cu… no I won’t write that again!!!! I kept an eye on her because I didn’t want her throwing up and she looked so red… but even then, she was beau…

Never mind…

‘’NO. Dad, it was right there. You knew it. you liked her!!!! Please tell me you knew it’’ she huffed, frustrated by how her dad kept crossing out words or not finishing them.

2014, November, 10

I told my parents about my drinking; they didn’t actually care because they knew I was safe. They just wished I had come home so they could take care of me instead of me being in the house across. It nearly made me cry when my mum said that. They said at the age of 16 they would rather I didn’t unless I was at home, but that they did it when they were my age. Me and Yeonjun had clearly perceived them all wrong.

When he came flying into my house unannounced, I heard them talking to him downstairs about it so laughed upstairs until he flung my door open, something along the lines of ‘’You could’ve warned me’’ coming out of his mouth. Apparently, he was downstairs trying to fight for my life by keeping up the lie, until my parents told him I’d admitted it. all I could say was ‘’that’s what happens when you don’t ask to come over’’. He was quick to respond though ‘’You love it when I appear’’. He was wrong, I don’t love it, I only like it mildly….

2014, November, 10

How dare she?? I’ve never been more: horrified, shocked, and embarrassed all at the same time… was this revenge for taking her to the party? No… she definitely had fun, she thanked me. What did I do to deserve this? Imagine me lying my ass off to her parents, meanwhile, they know the truth, God there isn’t much worse than that. Practically broadcasting that I’m not the boy they know and love!

When I told her she should’ve warned me she was nonchalant about it all… how dare she be so calm. It annoyed me to see her like that, but it somehow calmed me down at the same time. We sat in her room all evening talking about what had happened at the party, what she actually remembered, how she talks in her sleep.

It was great until I caught her mum on the way out the door. ‘’I know you care about her, so I know you would never let something happen to her. But please don’t lie to me like that again… put some trust in me Yeonjun, and I’ll put my trust in you’’. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, and I still don’t. it keeps circling my head, and each time I just want to know what she really meant. Easier said than done.

2014, December, 25

It’s that time of year again. Christmas. I don’t get the same joy I used to get from it now, but Yeonjun still seems thrilled by it. he just wouldn’t hang up the Facetime call last night. We fell asleep on it. I eventually drowned out the sound of him talking and drifted to sleep, but I woke to his sleeping face on my screen and panicked and hung up. It took me by surprise, I thought he would’ve hung up. Unless he accidentally fell asleep.

Even though he knew he’d see me later that day he was texting me things like ‘’GOOD MORNING’’, ‘’MERRY CHRISTMAS’’, ‘’I HAVE THE BEST GIFT FOR YOU THIS YEAR’’. Yes, Yeonjun types in all capitals, he’s on drugs I swear. This year I got him new dancing shoes with money I'd earned from my job, they were the ones he’d wanted for months… and I joined forces with his parents so we wouldn’t both get them for him. I’ll write again once he’s got them. So, I can forever replay the epic moment when he tells me I’m the best friend ever for listening to his never-ending whining.

2014, December, 25

I didn’t wake up on a call with her like I thought I would. Maybe she hung up in her sleep, or the call cut out. When she fell asleep last night to the sound of my voice, I found that so…. I found it very… very peaceful and nice! So, I stayed on call and eventually fell asleep myself. I found it comforting to do so…

Waking up without her on the call was more disheartening than I thought it might be, so I messaged her. No, I spammed her! She must think I’m stupid! She eventually answered me though. ‘’I look forward to giving you your gift! It’s so good, you’ll love it!’’. pshhhh, she thought she had a better gift than I'd got her, she was severely wrong. I’d got her a new set of paints and brushes, the expensive ones she said were out of her reach. She loves painting… and I love looking at her paint.

"Dad you are driving me crazy here, just admit it to yourself’’.

2014, December, 26

Yesterday was crazy! Yeonjun’s family came over and we did gifts like normal. Yeonjun got me the paints I wanted!! I was so glad he listened to my groans and used his brain to get me them. I have no clue where he got all that money, and it made me feel bad thinking about how he’d spent it all on me… but I did the same, so I suppose it’s fair. The best bit was, he gave me a tiny painted rock he’d apparently painted when he was sat with me in the art rooms at school. I didn’t even see him! Crazy! I think I want to start painting rocks now, I have so many I might as well.

But when things got serious is when our parents invited us to drink with them and play board games. Imagine me and Yeonjun on a team playing games against adults that were only tipsy. Ridiculous. We played Monopoly and I kept stealing Yeonjun’s money, he didn’t know though. He seemed clueless every time he picked up his money to pay ‘’where did I spend my money’’ he’d whine, a stupid pout on his lips. I’d then make up a story on how he’d spent it on his way around the board. He fell for it every time… nice!

2014, December, 26

OMG!!!! (Y/N) GOT ME THE DANCE SHOES I WANTED!!!! She must be rich to have afforded these! They are so comfortable and feel so nice when I dance. She knows me so well…. She is such a great listener. I only mentioned these once, I think…

We ended up drinking all together with our parents it was hilarious because she was so gone. I drank a little extra to keep up with her, but I couldn’t help but laugh every time I looked down at her pink-flushed face… she truly sucked at drinking. We were on the same team for charades, and she was awful at showing words, but great at guessing them. I couldn’t help but laugh at her terrible impression of a reindeer, she tried so hard. It was so cute. We played Monopoly all together and she kept stealing my money, she thought I didn’t know, but I did. She even watched me watch her take a piece and she still seemed convinced I didn’t know. I’d let her win today; it was too FUNNY not to.

2015, January, 19

Yeonjun kept sliding me notes. Now I have a collection of them… here.

Is the answer to question a x=6?

Yeonjun ;P

By the way, the answer was not 6. Yes, I did help him. I’m not a demon.

The boy in front of us has a sticker on his back!!!! HAHAHA

Yeonjun XD

I heard Yeonjun laugh to himself as he: one, realised our classmate had a sticker on his back, two wrote the note, three as he handed it to me, four as I read it, and five, looked at the boy's back. Yes, there was a sticker… was it funny, maybe a little. But he was distracting me.

Do you think I’m sexy?

YES OR YES    no

Sexy man Yeonjun ;D

When I received it, I crossed out his options with a laugh and showed him my new options. He pouted at me and acted like a stroppy baby for the rest of the class, how annoying.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

(Y/N) … Don’t ignore this! Write the next lyric. I know you know it!

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

DON’T CHA!!!!!!!!!

Well done

That one I nearly didn’t write the lyric because I was trying to focus. But it became more distracting to not answer him than to answer him. I discovered Yeonjun gives up faster if I just respond to him. It was also a note I nearly got confiscated from my desk, had Yeonjun not snatched it up before our teacher could see it. I’m glad he did.

Can I come over today?

Yeonjun <3

You always come over…

Yes, but I was asking because I’m nice.

No, you are asking because you are bored, can you please just focus on the lesson.

Only because you asked <3

That one was prime craziness and I snatched it up when the sight of a heart met my eyes. How could he be joking so shamelessly?

2015, January, 20

IT’S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I got moved away from (Y/N) in maths!!! The teacher said we talk too much… I’m sorry but have you ever seen her mouth move for a fun conversation… no! She’s only ever explained things to me!! What is this hate that’s being slung our way! I’m pissed! There goes any fun I’ve ever had in school! Now all that’s left is cute notes she gave me!! I’m in my feelings!! I’ll stick the memories of our fun times together down below.

Yeonjun breath quieter, it’s too loud :)

Annoyed (Y/N)

The answer is 3 not 6!!

Smart (Y/N)

Our teacher is wrong the answer is actually 23. I have no clue how he got 24…

Confused (Y/N)

Can we get snacks before we head home?

Hungry (Y/N)

Is my hair flat at the back? I feel a bump…

Curious (Y/N)

2015, January, 23

Yeonjun got moved back next to me, good because he was whining about it so much, I thought I’d have to cut off my own ears. When I walked in and saw him sat down, I was glad the whining would be over. I knew he’d be all right without me, he is smart, but he seemed to want to cling to me. He needs to grow some self-confidence. 

2015, January, 23

THANK THE LORD THAT ME AND (Y/N) SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AGAIN!!!! Apparently, it was only for that one lesson, so when I went into the classroom early begging to sit next to her because she helps me, I was just embarrassing myself. Ughhh, the things I do for her happiness. I just knew she wouldn’t be able to handle being apart from me. The look on her face, when she saw me sitting in my normal seat, said it all. She was obviously in love with me!!!

"God no mum! He wanted to stay near you because he likessss you’’ She slapped the words in the diary, now annoyed by her clueless mother as well as her father.

2015, February, 9

Me and Yeonjun keep talking about college and what we want to do in the future. We both seem as clueless as each other so we spend days in my room googling colleges, and the courses they have. Half the problem is… we don’t really want to go our separate ways. I may get annoyed by him, but Yeonjun has been my friend for 10 years, and for all of that we’ve gone to the same school. I really don’t want that to change, it scares me.

What happens if I can’t make friends? I won’t even have Yeonjun to rely on!! What if I hate it and Yeonjun isn’t around to annoy me because he’s swimming in his popularity in a new school!!! Live your life, but please Yeonjun, stay near me….

2015, February, 10

Looking at colleges is so draining!! Who knew making one choice would feel so pressuring? I know what course I want to do, and the clubs don’t matter to me because I do them outside of school. So why do I find myself looking for colleges that have not only music courses but art ones as well? And why do I find myself suggesting them to (Y/N)?

She seems so stressed out whenever we are looking, so clearly, I’m just trying to help her whilst also looking for myself. Yeah, that sounds right!!!!! Every time we scoot closer together to look at her laptop, the screen lit up with college, I notice it, the look in her eyes. She’s scared, and I don’t know what to say. Life is moving on and I don’t think she’s prepared. She’s been focusing so much on this year that I honestly don’t think she ever thought past it. and now, as she’s trying to revise for her final exams in a few months’ time, she has to make decisions. Ones she’s not ready to make.

In the moment I often think about reaching my hand out to hold hers, maybe she would find comfort in it. but I don’t… it would be weird to her. I know that much….

‘’This is by far the worst bit I’ve read yet! Dad just do it, make a move’’.

2015, February, 17

We picked a college, and both applied, we haven’t heard back yet, but they have no reason to not accept us. I heard it's easy getting into colleges… I’m not sure if I believe it or not, but I'll hope. When we put in our applications I almost cried because I got so nervous, but Yeonjun wrapped his arm over my shoulder and dragged me into his side, the warmth almost comforting. He’s never hugged me out of the blue like that, it shocked me.

I found myself wanting him to hold me longer. I think it’s because I’ve never been hugged by anyone other than my parents, or his parents. My friends don’t hug me because they assume I don’t like to be touched. Am I to serious? I wonder what Yeonjun thinks… maybe he thinks I’m too serious and it took him this long to work up the courage to hug me. Maybe I should think about how I present myself to people.

2015, February, 17

We put in our college applications today, together. We applied for the same college as I wanted us to. She was worried because we had finally done it, made a decision. She expected to hear back instantly, I don’t know why, and when she didn’t, she got so nervous I thought she’d throw up. So, my arm moved before I could think. I hugged her!!! She didn’t run away or tell me I was gross… she calmed down slightly. Maybe she didn’t find it weird at all. I was really worried she would, that’s why I never comforted her physically. I suppose I was the one that was scared after all.

I really hope we get into the same college; I don’t really know what it would be like without her. No matter where I go, she’s always been there… not really, I could list places she hasn’t been that I have… shut up Yeonjun….

I just want her by my side for a while longer. Is that a crime? If it’s not, why do I feel like it is?

2015, April, 14

We have spent so much time revising, I feel like I have no time for anything else. I don’t know how Yeonjun does it… he does clubs, school, revision and hangs out with his friends. I’m sure he’s awake 24/7, that would make sense. But he never looks tired. He always looks so awake, like every day is day he will love, even though he’s been living this life for months.

I have his timetable because I’m the one that organises his life… this isn’t a friend’s package… I’m doing too much. But someone has to, he has no one else that will... all this happened because I offered my help a few years ago, oh the butterfly effect, you’ve got me now.

2015, April, 19

ALL I DO IS REVISE!!! It’s so astronomically boring. Yeah, that was a big word, (Y/N) says it’s the word of the day. She says I should try using them, so boom!! Too bad she’ll never see the proof… I’ll have to use the word in her face later when I go to her house. Maybe I should say ‘’You are astronomically smart, I’m grateful for you’’…. EW, too mushy for me. I'd only say that to a girl I liked, and I DON’T like (Y/N)!!!

2015, May, 9

I had my first exam today… I’m so nervous. I think it went well, but I heard that means I did badly. I really hope I didn’t do badly. I haven’t tried my whole life to fail now. Come on (Y/N), only a little longer left. Time to get back to revising for my next test, its tomorrow, I’m wasting time.

2015, May, 9

Sat my maths exam today. It went well, I’m very happy. I sit my English one tomorrow, I’m not confident. (Y/N) is on Facetime right now trying to drill quotes into our head, I’m trying to listen, but I just can’t focus. That’s why I’m writing my mind on this page so hopefully I can listen to her again.

Why is it that every time I look at her on the screen stressing about the exam that I want to hug her, tell her it will be okay. At first, I thought I was just an amazing friend, and I wanted to help her. But the thought won’t leave me alone. I’m so close to marching over to her house and holding her until she tells me she feels okay.

I should listen to her again now, or she will get mad. That would only make things worse…. Good luck me!

2015, May, 23

I had my art exam today and I painted Yeonjun. I spent the whole day in a room painting his portrait… when I asked him to be my reference for art, he was okay with that, I think that’s because he’s confident in himself, I’m not. I’m jealous of him and his stupid face, which I can now say for sure, is very even. I spent the whole day painting it!!! I would know!!! I'd never focused much on his face when I was painting before, I could just kind of paint it, like it was the easiest thing. But today I was so careful that I was measuring. I couldn’t afford a mistake on this exam; I needed the perfect grade… I hope Yeonjun never sees that painting because honestly, I think I painted him too well. His ego may shoot, and I wouldn’t be able to stand that.

2015, May, 23

(Y/N) spent the entire day painting me, and when I waited for her by the classroom, I could see her through the glass. She looked like she was being careful, each stroke was controlled. I couldn’t see the canvas because it had its back to me, but I could see her. She had paint smudged on her nose and cheeks, clearly shed brushed it onto herself by accident. Why did my heart flutter at the sight of her? That wasn’t meant to happen…

A teacher saw me waiting and spoke to me ‘’Ah, Mr Choi? The one (Y/N) is always painting?’’. Did she speak about me to her teachers? He seemed to know about me… it was odd. I responded to him regardless ‘’Yes sir, that’s me. How do you know?’’. The teacher laughed at me and patted my back ‘’Word gets around… she paints you, and what do you photograph in your photography work?’’. He was teasing me!!!! How dare he!!! He already knew the answer… I photograph her. She just makes the perfect subject; she doesn’t need to pose. I can take a picture of her when she’s being moody and ignoring me and it comes out perfectly. Does she know I do this? No. if she found out would she hate me? Yes. She doesn’t like the way she looks… how sad… I think she looks perfect incredible… FINE. She looks absolutely normal, not bad…

2015, June, 20

I finally finished school, I'm not sure how I feel. I got accepted to the college me and Yeonjun wanted, and he did as well. We have the whole summer to do what? I have nothing to keep me busy now, maybe other than Yeonjun and work. I thought I’d be more excited to have an early summer. But instead, I realised I’m boring. What do I do with my days? All I do is wait for Yeonjun to finish living his life and then come around my house. When college starts, I need to make some friends, that aren’t Yeonjun!!!

2015, June, 23

THANK YOU, LORD!! TORTURE IS FINALLY OVER!! All exams are done, I got into the college I wanted, my friends still want to hang out with me!!! I’ve spent my days practically living at dance club, or my friends’ houses. Me and Soobin are curious how long I can live at his house without my mum telling me to come home. So far, we are at 3 days. In these days I haven’t seen (Y/N) and the only messages she sends me are ‘’Why didn’t you come over today?’’, ‘’You didn’t come over again today’’, ‘’Are you dead. You come to my house every day. This is the third day’’. Surely, she has things she can be doing, why is she so worried about me. It’s probably best I keep my distance, for my own good. She won’t mind, in fact, she’ll probably like it…

2015, June, 30

He still hasn’t come over… what is his problem??? I stopped messaging a few days ago. He never tells me where he is or what he’s doing, he just sends me a message saying ‘’not today, watch a movie or something’’. I don’t like watching movies alone… I thought he knew that. Why is he being mean?? I thought we got past that years ago… is it because of college? Is he scared? Well so am I!! I wanted him by my side… I guess not. Maybe I had the wrong idea about us…

2015, July, 3

I finally returned home because my mum told me to. She knew I was at Soobin’s because I told her, and she didn’t seem to care as long as I was safe. The only reason she told me to come home was because of (Y/N)… apparently she got so bored she came to my house to ask my mum to bake a cake with her. They did, and apparently, they had a nice time. But why in the world would she do that. Didn’t she have better things to do?

Mum told me I need to ‘be there’ for (Y/N), but I don’t get it. She seems fine so what’s the problem? I’ll go over and see her tomorrow.

2015, July, 4

Poop-Jun came over today. Stupid boy. Why did he think I’d want to hang out after he hasn’t seen me or messaged me in weeks. Did he decide I was too good for him? Am I too uncool and ugly for popular people like Yeonjun. he makes me want to slap him for being so foolish.

2015, July, 4

That didn’t go as planned. (Y/N) shouted at me and kicked her out of her house. She seems to think I don’t like her anymore; I suppose that’s what I get for trying to push us away from each other. I knew what I was doing, it was selfish. All because I can’t handle her… she doesn’t deserve this. I’m sorry (Y/N), I’ll make it up to you.

2015, July, 18

Yeonjun wouldn’t leave me alone, so we are friends again. He would just appear every day and try and get me to hang out with him. Hed refuse to leave unless we did something. At first, he’d settle for a conversation, then he wanted to hang out for an hour minimum, then he’d want to watch a movie, then go shopping, next thing I knew I’d fallen into his trap. I forgave him. I feel like I wasted my summer being lonely and mad at Yeonjun, is this seriously what my life has boiled down to?

2015, July, 20

We are finally friends again, she told me to come over tonight. I DIDN’T HAVE TO JUST ARRIVE, SHE TOLD ME TO COME OVER. She has never in her life done that. Breaking news if you ask me.

I think her parents invited me around for dinner really, but oh well, I’ll take what I can get.

I hope I can spend the rest of the summer making her happy, she’s started laughing with and at me again recently, I’ve never been happier to hear a sound in my life.

2015, August, 28

Me and Yeonjun have officially enrolled in college, we’ve gone to all the events and met people at induction. Someone even approached me to have a conversation, that was nice. At first, I thought she wanted to speak to Yeonjun, that’s what normally happens, but she didn’t. she told me I had a nice outfit and asked me what I’d be studying. We spoke for a while. Turned out she was a fashion and design student. She asked for my number and jokingly saved it as ‘my future model’. It was really flattering for a pretty girl to say I was model worthy, especially when I’ve never heard a compliment like that from anyone other than my parents.

I’m starting to think college won’t be so bad after all, I think I’m excited now.

2015, August, 28

I don’t want to be that friend… but that girl was hardcore flirting with (Y/N) …. IN FRONT OF ME!!!! How absurd!!!

‘’your outfit is so stylish and looks so pretty, just like you. Wow you should be a model’’!

HAHA

I already knew all these things! (Y/N) is my model… please find your own. I wanted to pull (Y/N) away from her so badly. Why couldn’t I be happy that she was making friends? I want to be, but I can’t. I don’t want to go to college anymore. The world is going to discover (Y/N), and she seems ready this time… she won’t just sit in the library…. Fuck.

Her mum’s diary cuts off there and turns into letters she wrote to herself and Yeonjun, but she never sent them to him, meanwhile his stays as a diary. It’s a good thing her mum dated each one or the story would have to end here.

2015, September, 1

Dear me,

Today was the first day of college. My stomach is knotted with anxiety. I’ll make friends won’t i? I became friends with Layla over the holiday. She’s so interesting, fun and so cool, she reminds me of Yeonjun. She’s such an it girl! Yeonjun says my outfits are cooler since I started hanging out with her. If they are better, why does he seem frustrated? Odd boy.

Class was excellent, I spent the lesson talking about art with people who love art. I found out artistic people are weird, just like me! Yeonjun seemed disgusted by the idea of a room full of Me, rude!

Yeonjun already has a following. I didn’t recognise any people from secondary. He’s already part of a big group. He ask if I’d like to sit with them, but I said I’d rather sit with Layla. He seemed disappointed, but oh well. I’m not like him, I don’t thrive in big groups, i feel most comfortable with a few close friends.

Layla always wants to talk about Yeonjun? Does she have a crush on him?! That would be kinda gross! Why would girls be attracted to him? He’s… Poop-Jun after all.

I have a few questions for myself next month…

Is Yeonjun popular yet?

Does Layla have a crush on Yeonjun?

Have you made more friends?

Do you like your art course?

Did you and Layla go shopping like you planned?

Do you hate it here?

Are… you and Yeonjun still friends?

2015, September, 1

First day of school was easy peasy. I loved having to do nothing but what I love doing. The only thing I don’t love is Layla, she’s been hogging (Y/N), and she knows it. Me and her have beef, seriously. She has been hanging out with (Y/N) ever since they met, and when they aren’t hanging out, they are messaging. (Y/N) says Layla reminds her of me… personally I've never wanted to throw up more. She has nowhere near as much style as I do, and she clings to (Y/N) unreasonably. I have my reasons!!! She’s been my best friend since we were 6, be for real!!!! Me and her AREN’T the same!!

2015, October, 1

Dear future me,

I’ve officially been in college for one month. Let me answer the questions of the previous letter…

Of course, Yeonjun is popular now! Everyone who knows him, loves him. I’ve decided to avoid him in the halls, so I don’t have to deal with the mess that is people saying hi to him or crowding him.

Does Layla have a crush on Yeonjun? It appears not. Since I stopped hanging out with him at school she’s stopped discussing him. That’s good, I don’t want her to like Yeonjun. I refuse to have my friends dating!!!

Yes! I have made friends! Layla and I are in a group of roughly 8, which seemed large in the beginning, but it’s not. Some are friends she brought to the group, and others are friends I made. We are all really creative and it's exciting! We inspire each other to be more imaginative!!

I love my art course; all I do is talk, learn about, and create art! It’s my dream course. It is intricate and sometimes difficult work, but I’m willing to invest into it because I love it.

Layla and I recently went shopping with the rest of our friends. We got the train to the nearest city, with new shops, it was so thrilling. I’ve never done something like that before, it was exciting, trying new styles, chatting! Yeonjun saw the pictures all over my social media. He was jealous we didn’t do things like that. But he hasn’t ever ask…

Nope, I don’t hate it at college. And why would I?! I can leave the college on my breaks, can GO TO THE TOILET WHEN I WANT, I feel like the master of my destiny!

Yes, Yeonjun does speak to me. He will run past me in the corridors sometimes and shout a greeting, but then he’s gone like lightning. We will sometimes sit together if we are both on break and I’m not with my friends. He loves looking at my artwork, especially since I often draw and paint him. It’s definitely strokes that ego…

2015, October, 28

There is a party for Halloween, and I didn’t even have to convince (Y/N) to go, because guess what, Layla and her are going!! They will even be matching!! I saw her outfit, she’s an angel, and Layla will be a devil. How basic… (Y/N) pulled it off though. She looked incredible; I can’t even lie this time. When she showed me, I thought she was beautiful, and I just couldn’t believe that she’s the girl that collected rocks…

Wait… if I thought she was beautiful and I’m her best friend, what will other guys think? No! No, this can’t happen. I can’t have them looking at her, I have to come up with a plan. Hopefully she’ll get drunk and return to my side, she does that when she’s drunk.

2015, November, 1

Dear future me,

Never drink that much again. I think I spilt my drink on this random girl, and I remember her crying? Yeonjun said he helped her out though… What does that even mean?! Wait… did he lose his jacket last night? He gave her his jacket, didn’t he!! That was a cool jacket, how dare he waste it on fixing my mistakes!

I don’t remember how I found Yeonjun, I was with Layla at first. But it reached a point where I just couldn’t keep up and I needed to find familiarity. I think I saw him standing near the fish tank, talking to four guys. I’m not sure how many, it’s blurry in my memory. Omg, memories keep bobbing up like apples. I remember falling against one of his friends and Yeonjun clutching me towards him. He said something to his friends and held me against his chest as he finished his conversation, his heart beat was comforting. I remember mumbling sorry for interrupting.

after he sobered me up a little, he took me home. I remember he helped me to my bed and tucked me in. He whispered ‘’good night’’ before he left… how embarrassing!

2015, November, 1

Why is it always the Halloween parties? God, she looked so perfect… I thought I couldn’t breathe when I saw her dancing with her friends in the corner of my eye. My friends didn’t even wait to make fun of me, they knew what was up. ‘’Yeonjun, she won’t disappear. You can look away from her’’. I knew that I could, but I didn’t want to. If I did would someone take her from me? I did though, I looked away and left her. I even moved room so I could have my own fun.

She took me by surprise when she came over to me, tripping over her feet and falling against my friend, who caught her in his arms and smiled down at her. Oh, hell no, not those two. Anyone but him (Y/N), please…

I grabbed her from his arms and held her against my chest, my hand rested on her lower back and her head pushed against me. There was no way we didn’t look like a clingy couple like this… but it was fine, just for tonight.

‘’You didn’t need to snatch her from me mate. I know she’s yours’’. That’s what he said, and I scoffed at him and asked what he meant. He told me ‘’We all know you like her, so we won’t touch her… everyone knows’’. He was being ridiculous, ‘’I don’t like her’’ I told him. And he said the worst thing I could’ve imagined ‘’Well, in that case, I’ll ask her out on a date. She’s too pretty to pass up’’. I laughed at his joke because it must have been one right. No way he’d say that to me, her best friend, seriously right…

When I got her home, she was clinging to me, and once I peeled her off and got her in bed. She asked me to stay and hold her. I thought about it, but I knew what the right decision was. I didn’t respond to her, I tucked her covers over her and told her goodnight. Why is it always Halloween?

2015, December, 1

Dear me,

Yeonjun has been annoying recently. He keeps running past me at college and ruffling my hair or scaring me. It's so annoying, especially when he messes up my hair because it’s always when I made an extra effort. Can’t he just keep his hands to himself? How annoying! Sorry, I’ve said annoying one too many times, clearly thinking about it makes me so frustrated I repeat myself!

And do you know what’s worse, when I shout at him after he’s finished, and in response guess what he does… he spins as he runs and winks, then he continues running out of view. That man! How dare he be so careless… I hope he runs into a wall one day!!

Art classes aren’t as much fun now, it’s already starting to feel like a chore, so I need to find something interesting to do for my project this year or I’ll get bored. Please future me, please… save me from tedium…

2015, December, 11

(Y/N) is only getting prettier and making my heart flutter endlessly. She walks down the corridors with the prettiest smile, books under her arm because they are too big for her bag, and the most beautifully curled hair. What other choice do I have? I run past her a ruffle it up so it’s not as good every time. She doesn’t need to look pretty for anyone else now, I've already seen her. Did I like her? No, of course not! I just care about her! I just don’t want other guys to like, her, doesn’t that make sense? I’m just trying to protect her…

2016, January, 1

Dear future me,

I’ve saved art for us… are you thankful? Well maybe Yeonjun did, but that isn’t important… You know how he always gives me a rock at Christmas time, a small painted rock, as testament to our childhood. Well, I’ve decided to finally start painting rocks. When I told my lecturer, she suggested I make a project out of it. I’m enjoying it immensely, and I have developed a whole plan. I have a question… did you tell Yeonjun? And did he act big-headed about assissting you with the concept? I bet he did…

Yeonjun wrote me a letter this Christmas, so I’ll put it with this one. It was simply beautiful, so emotion, it made me cry. I didn’t want him to see me teary eyed. He mentioned the magnet thing his mum would say when we were younger. I agree with him, we are magnets opposite poles attracting, and I think we are so powerful we can’t be separated.

He brought me an art easel and some canvases for at home, I was grateful. I didn’t write him a letter for Christmas, so I’m going to write him one soon and give it to him. I don’t want him to think I’m a bad friend. I think I’ll probably paint my parents, beautiful flowers, and a nearby lake that Yeonjun keeps dragging me to. I’ve drawn enough of Yeonjun that I could honestly go my whole life without ever painting him again.

Dear (Y/N),

First of all, Merry Christmas! I’m glad it’s another one together we get to add to the stack of them. How many has it been now? 11? That’s a lot… I’ve known you for more than half my life, isn’t that crazy? I hope that never changes. Can you stay by my side until we are old and wrinkly? I don’t think I want to ever stop being your friend. I don’t think I could at this point.

Recently I’ve seen you change so much, and all because we went to college. I heard people bloom at some point in their life, and I think I got to see you bloom. Do you know how incredible it was? I was scared at first, I didn't want you to get hurt and scarred by the world. I know you’ve always hidden yourself, and I was happy to protect you. But you didn’t want me to this year, did you? So, I let you bloom and now I look at you and I no longer see the girl who collected rocks as a child… I think it makes me sad in a way. I now see the girl who parties and paints, isn’t that a weird duo?

Just like us, no? When I was a child, my mum called us magnets, that were pushed the wrong way together. But now a days I think we are pushed the right way together; I think we click. Did you know it’s difficult to separate magnets, especially strong ones.

Merry Christmas (Y/N), I hope you have a lovely day!

2016, January, 15

Music classes are awesome, I made my own song recently. The lecturer says I’m above the expected level for my age, and that my song is full of emotion. Well duh, it's about her… Yeah, I did that. I can’t think of anything else but her, it’s so stupid. When she’s sat alone, I ditch my friends to sit with her, she probably wanted me to. That's what I tell myself, but who am I kidding? I desperately wanted to talk to her. Please save me, I can’t do this anymore.

2016, February, 1

Dear me,

I told Yeonjun about my idea when he saw it. I stayed in class later than I had to, so I could focus on my project, when he came to find me. He sat down next to me, chin in his hand, and asked why I was painting rocks. He shuffled through the notes and sketches I had on the desk. It didn’t take him long to realise, so I explained my plan.

My project is to bring colour back to my otherwise dull world. Nature is intrinsically beautiful, and I love capturing it any way I can. By decorating the rocks and placing them back where they belong, I add a bit of my beauty to the world. The plan is to distribute the rocks to my favourite places once I’m done with the project. I'll then paint some of the rocks in their location, for the final piece.

To answer my own questions. No Yeonjun didn’t get a big head like you thought he would, he seemed really joyful. In fact, he took me for ice cream when he found out… how odd. But I had fun.

2016, February, 14

I want to throw up. It’s Valentine’s Day, and MY FRIEND gave (Y/N) roses. I saw him do it. She was sitting there, pretty pink dress on because she wanted to wear a romantic colour today, hair in space buns like a cutie, and he walked up to her with the flowers behind his back. It’s like everything went in slow motion and I was given the chance to stop it, but I didn’t. He spoke to her, and she smiled, then he gave her the flowers, she turned the same colour as them. He gave her a note and she smiled again, and he walked away. I didn’t take my eyes off her as she put the letter straight into her bag, not even reading it first.

When she looked up and saw me, she giggled and waved the flowers like an accomplishment. I would’ve been happy if I didn’t like her… that’s right, I have a crush on her. Now I know why they call it a crush. It’s not for a good reason, it’s because it crushes you. I thought it was because you have a crush, and when you finally get the girl, you crush the silly feelings, and it turns into love. I was wrong.

If I ever see those flowers in a vase in her room, I think I’ll throw up… there goes the plan I made for her… I'll slip it here, so I never have to look at it again.

VALENTINES DAY <3 OPERATION CRUSH

1. Buy flowers – her favourites, tulips, not roses, that’s basic - done

2. Get her favourite snacks - done!

3. Download her favourite movies onto my laptop – done!

4. Build the den – done!

5. Decorate den – done!

6. Pack your bag full of the bits you’ll need – done!

7. Get her to come with you – to be done!

8. Success – no

9. Is she your girlfriend? – never

2016, March, 1

Dear me,

Yeonjun has been clinging to me like never before. He sits with me all the time, at school, at home and when we go out. I think we are conjoined at the hip. It’s kind of funny, in a babyish way.

He’s been weird with me ever since his friend asked me out, I told him no, but we became friends. It’s weird how that works… I did try and give him a chance, but I didn’t like him that way. I didn’t even feel anything, it felt dull. I felt bad, but I told him no, not that I told Yeonjun. It isn’t his business, if I’m honest. If Layla wanted to date him, the bile would rise from my stomach. Two of my friends dating, that is just a no. Maybe I should let him know so he relaxes. Maybe then he’ll leave my side… but it’s fun having him around.

2016, March, 17

Is it possible to love being around the one that broke your heart?

Am I really in love with her?

How to tell her I love her?

That’s what my search history looks like nowadays because nobody prepares you to feel this, or how to even deal with it. growing up I couldn’t imagine loving (Y/N), it was the wildest, most far-fetched thing ever. But as I read my diaries from those days and think about how I treated and thought about her, it’s obvious, I’ve had a crush on her forever. The only reason I didn’t notice was because I thought it was the normal feeling of liking a close friend. Why did it take me so long to notice? So long that now other guys like her as well. I don’t even have a chance anymore… who would’ve thought… certainly not me… I love the one girl who has never liked me…. How sad.

2016, April, 1

My project is nearly done. As I was resting today, Yeonjun flew into my room, not even knocking, as usual. Whenever he needed someone to check his music or dance, he’d come rushing over to my house, straight into my room. ‘’Listen to it!’’ he said sitting down on my bed, to which I said the only words that I could think ‘’Knock’’, and he nodded, both of us knowing he would most definitely not knock.

I listened to it, it was delicate, so emotive, and knowing Yeonjun’s created it, was even better. It was better than that! It was perfect, stupid talented boy. As I looked at my phone, I realised I had to go, it was nearly time for the call. ‘’Yeah, it's amazing Jjunie, can you go now? I’m busy’’.

He huffed at me, as if not believing I could be busy ‘’doing fucking what, you were in bed on your phone!’’. When I told him I was going to call a friend he whined about it being our thing, so I told him it wasn’t ‘’You practically living in my house is our thing’, Now get out he’s waiting for me’’.

The mere idea of a male wanting to speak to me clearly disgusted him because he burst ‘’HE??? I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY FRIENDS WITH GIRLS’’. I decided then that I shouldn’t tell him it was his friend I was about to call. ‘’ I have both Yeonjun, now get out before I hit you’’. He pouted at me like a baby, ‘’Fine, I get that I’m being replaced, I’ll go’’.

I watched him leave my room, then I watched him enter his own house and his bedroom light turn on from my window. I then called his friend, and we called for a few hours. It was 11 pm when I looked back out my window and Yeonjun’s lights were off. Yeonjun’s light is always on till at least 1 a.m. What was he doing?

I didn’t do anything to upset him, did I? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?

2016, April, 1

I’m being replaced. I didn’t know a crush could turn into something worse, is there even a verb that can describe this feeling? Maybe instead of a crush, I have a pulverize… that seems right. My heart feels pulverized. Do you want to know why?

Well because (Y/N) kicked me out of her house to call a guy. I have never been kicked out of her house because of someone else like that. Not even Layla. If they called, I'd just sit in the room. why in the world would she kick me out for a different guy?

I feel sick… is that the remnants of my heart trying to escape my body? Should I swallow it or let it out? Is there any point in keeping the slivers of it? When I looked out my window I could see her, she left her curtains wide open again, and I could see as her serious face lifted into a bright smile. She was laughing at his jokes… and all I could do was watch. Do I do this to myself?

I can’t watch anymore… I can’t feel like this again. I’ll go to the only friend I can think of…

2016, May, 1

Dear future me,

Is Yeonjun still ignoring us? He hasn’t spoken to me in school, he hasn’t come to my house… what is happening? Why is he ignoring me? I hope he has a good reason because I don’t like how this feels.

Everything is endlessly dull without him. Where is the colour I love? He made everything so much brighter, more exciting…. Did I just say that I loved the colour, and then suggest that Yeonjun was in fact the colour to my world…. Yes, I did.

Am I in love with Yeonjun?

Holy fuck, I think I love Yeonjun. is this the feeling inside of me? The warmth and light when I’m close to him and the cold dusk when I’m apart from him. Oh god, I really love him… don’t I? Fuck… how did this happen? When did this happen? This year? I’m not sure…

What am I going to do?

2016, April, 16

Is it better if I keep ignoring her? She seems ridiculously sad nowadays. She doesn’t stay in school any longer than she has to. Can I reach out and hug her? Or will she push me away. She probably will, she has other friends now.

I must be a speck of dust in the vast landscape that is her world. I float by, annoying her for a while then I get forced to move along by this force, its wind to a dust, but to me, I’m not sure. What pushed me away from her? Is it possible that by turning my back to her I pushed the same poles of our magnet together? Is it possible that I am the force that’s keeping me from her? If she turns her back as well, does that mean we click again? Maybe I should spin around and confess how I feel. But after all…. I’m just dust.

2016, May, 1

I have a plan. I’m going to get Yeonjun back and make him mine all at the same time. I can’t survive much longer away from him. This feeling is devouring me.

The next stage of my project will arrive in a few days, that’s when I put the rocks in my favourite places. There is a heart rock I found as a child, I named him Yeonjun, and I’ve painted it! Its finally time to return it to my favourite place. I’ll write a letter for him and put the rock at the bottom, buried under colourful paper.

If this doesn’t tell him how I feel I’m not really sure what will. This was the perfect idea, and it linked up so magnificently.

2016, May, 21

I’m so in love with her. You’ll never guess what she did… it was incredible. Like a scene from a movie, or a storybook. She’s so perfect.

After a long day at college, doing my final performance for my exam I came home, just to find her sitting on my bed. I hadn’t spoken to her or been to her house in months. I was so scared to talk to her that I instantly spewed out the first thing she always tells me ‘’What happened to knocking?’’. She shrugged her shoulders with a giggle ‘’I will next time’’. I knew it was a tease at me for never knocking and never learning how. ‘’touché… what brings you to my house, you prefer your house’’.

She deadpanned me at my words and spoke ‘’You don’t come over anymore’’.

‘’You don’t invite me’’, that’s what I said! Could I really not think of a better excuse!!! ‘’I’ve never had to before’’ she countered, and to that I only made up mor lies to hide my feelings ‘’I finally clicked that you didn’t want me around’’.

She huffed at me’’ why would you even think that?’’. I shrugged at her and sat down next to her, trying to peak at what was behind her back, but I couldn’t even see because it was in a box, cutely wrapped like the Christmas gifts she gives me. She stood up and spoke ‘’I’m going to leave this here. You decide if you should start coming back over to my house once you’ve seen it’’. I grabbed her hand as she tried to leave ‘’Don’t be suspicious, just tell me’’. She giggled and squeezed my hand then let go ‘’nope, it’s something you should do alone’’.

The second she was out of my door, I reached for the box and when I opened it, I saw a letter, so I read it, I’ll put it with this one, so I never lose it. once I had read it, I put my hand into the tissue and pulled out a beautifully painted rock. Fuck… she’s incredible. It wasn’t any old rock; it was the one I’d found for her when we were children and I’d sneakily given it to her. I saw her painting it a few months ago for her project, and I knew she was planning on returning them to her favourite places…. I just never knew that would be me. I thought I wanted to cry right then and there.

I knew I had to chase after her, but was straight away to soon? It might have seemed a bit desperate, but I was. My pulverise needed to leave me alone that instant and turn into never ending love for her. Like I originally thought a crush was….

I ran to her house and the second I got into her room, I pulled her into my arms, hugging her as tightly as I could now that I knew she loved me back. I told her how I felt in a single whisper ‘’ I love you too’’ and that’s when she said it back ‘’I love you Poop-Jun’’. Any other situation I’d hate the stupid name, but this time it was almost adorable, it was perfect. She knew it as well.

I asked her the question ‘’will you be my girlfriend’’… and that’s why I know have a girlfriend. Isn’t that’s awesome. The perfect girl you’ve had a crush on forever, is finally your girlfriend. Future me, please keep her happy, and stay together till you are old and wrinkly.

Dearest Yeonjun,

I’ve met many people in my life; good people and bad. No one has ever captured my heart so completely. When I look at you, you appear to glow with a glittering aura. Everything else fades into a grey background without you, as if you have stolen the colour from my world and taken it with you. I need you by my side, Yeonjun.

Those times you would run past me at college, would make heart flutters, and butterflies swirl with delight. And rage with violent anger! You make me feel so many things, but even that’s better than dull and emotionless.

I know all kinds of things about you. All different things. Like the lake you visit when you're feeling lost. You’d found it on a walk one day, and showed it to me the next. Remember? I had never expected you to come across something so captivating, but of course you had. You always make my soul shimmer.

When my eyes laid sight on the golden sun, glistening on the blue hue of the lake, I felt the familiar surge of inspiration, like a guitar melody in one of your songs. When I turned to you, you were transfixed on the lake, so peaceful, enjoying the moment. Did you realise I stole that moment, imortalising you on my page as you drifted, weightlessly into your own reality. That mere drawing is the most honest representation of you. I’ve never told you, but you are the reason I fell in love with art in the first place, I wanted a way to treasure you. Yeonjun, you are a work of art to me.

I like being with you. I try to sit next to you as much as I can. I find myself staring at you all the time. I want to always be with you. And I can’t help myself.

These special moments just between us. You are my light, shining in my world, you ease the sadness. As overwhelming as the loneliness but as soft as cherry blossom, this feeling is as strange as it is new! I guess you can only call it love.

I find myself counting the days we’ve been apart. Longing, with one wish, only to see you again. I want you, I wonder, hopeful, if you feel the same. Thoughts of you fill me, I need you beside me, always.

When I feel the loneliness will consume me, I think about the moments we’ve shared, the Christmas joy, my rocks, and your music. Years ago a beautiful heart-shaped rock greeted me at the gates of my house, and when I gazed up I saw you staring back at me. From that moment I decided I’d call the rock Yeonjun, just like Small Sam had a name. I’ve wondered all these years, if you hid the heart rock for me to find. To me, it became a symbol of our friendship, our changing relationship, our blossoming love.

For my project you know I was painting rocks to return them to my favourite places, and this one is for you, Yeonjun. Because you, and everything you mean to me, is my favourite place. Isn’t it fitting that the rock I found that day, is the rock I return to you? Please accept it, along with my heart.

I love you

“Awwwww… mum fell harder!!! That’s so sweet. He was ready to give up on her but she made the move that he couldn’t! I can’t wait to tease them about this!” Their daughter giggled, packing the pages back away where they belong. Their youth… oh how magical it was.

[librathefangirl]

Always Keeping an Eye on You

ao3 | Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) | Chapters 1/1 | 2.2k+

It doesn’t feel like our home anymore. The place is the same and the family is the same, but at the same time something has shifted. The walls that used to feel welcoming and homey, now just feel cold. Like an empty shell holding the memories of what once was. That is another thing that scares me. That this will be the new reality. That my family will keep on living in a home that doesn’t even feel like a home…

Warnings: Major character death, hurt/little comfort, nobody is having a good time (they all need a hug)

So, Christmas eve is coming to an end and I decided to finish off the day by rewriting a 7-years-old tmnt draft. (And boy has my writing changed during these years, I also ended up doubling the word count).

Originally I think I had more chapters planned? But it's been 7 years, whatever those plans were, they are long forgotten now lol. So, I'm turning this into a one-shot instead

Read on ao3 or under the cut!

Silence hangs over the lair, suffocating with its thickness. It’s awful. Not because it is awkward or “too quiet” or anything; just… unnatural.

Unnatural and painful and sorrowful.

My gaze is drawn toward Leo. My older brother is currently sitting on the floor, staring at the water in front of him. Eyes blank with a lack of emotion. Maybe he is actually looking at the floor? Or the wall? My honest guess would be that he is looking at nothing. Looking, but not seeing.

There you have two words to describe Leo these days: unemotional and nothing.

And I don’t mean that in the sense that he is nothing or something like that. It is just the best descriptor I can find for his behavior. He can spend hours like this, just sitting on the floor, staring blankly at nothing. Of course, Leo has always been good at more still activities – unlike my other brothers. But this feels different; despite his stillness it doesn’t feel calm. An emotional statue on the outside with a raging war happening on the inside. Well, I’m just guessing. I’m not a mind reader. Though I have known my brother long enough to make some well-educated guesses, and I’ve come to learn that sometimes his outside is just a shield for his inside… Right now, I’m scared to think about what’s happening inside his head.

Hmm, I guess I let my mind wander away. Again. Though I suppose there isn’t much else for me to do. Except to be thinking. Thinking, and keeping an eye on my family in this awfully silent home of ours.

It doesn’t feel like our home anymore. The place is the same and the family is the same, but at the same time something has shifted. The walls that used to feel welcoming and homey, now just feel cold. Like an empty shell holding the memories of what once was. That is another thing that scares me. That this will be the new reality. That my family will keep on living in a home that doesn’t even feel like a home… The possibility that these cracks may never heal terrifies me.

Master Splinter reenters the room, snapping both Leo and Me from our thoughts. A deep sigh slips past his lips. His face isn’t fully turned towards me as he walks away from Mikey’s room, yet I can still see the unshed tears in his eyes. It’s probably my imagination, but it feels like his tail is dragging more than usual as well. Like there is a heaviness pushing it down. Not unlike the heaviness clinging to the lair.

Mikey’s room has gone silent, the soft sounds of crying having stopped. I slowly rise to my feet and tiptoe over there. I keep my gaze on Leo as I do this, and force myself to a stop when I notice him approaching Master Splinter. I have a perfect view of Leo’s face from where I’m standing. For the briefest moment, I can see the worry in his eyes. His glances towards where I’m standing – towards Mikey. And it’s there. I see it. Then it’s gone; just like that. If I hadn’t been looking right at him, I probably would have missed it. That is how unemotional Leo has become. The only times you can really see his emotions happen in flashes, and never anything strong. Only a second’s ghost of his previous self.  Sometimes it makes me want to scream – but I can’t blame him for it either. That is the hard part, watching everything fall apart around us and understanding the reasons.

Understanding the why doesn’t make it easier to accept.

I lied. Sometimes you can see strong emotions in Leo’s eyes. Sorrow and guilt, mostly. Though, if I’m being completely honest here – and I suppose I don’t have a reason not to be – I usually look away during those rare moments. I don’t want to see my family like that. At the same time I have to admit, the sorrow and guilt and tear-filled eyes are sometimes better than Leo’s unemotional statue.

Before anything happens between Leo and Master Splinter I throw a quick glance into Mikey’s room. He’s sleeping. When I turn back, Leo has opened his mouth. I lean closer even before I realize I’m doing it, wishing for nothing more than to hear the words he wants to say… I don’t get to, of course. It is naïve of me to even think I would. Lep closes his mouth again without uttering a single sound.

There you have a third word for Leo: silent.

Master Splinter speaks up instead, placing a hand on Leo’s shoulder and giving him a long look in his eyes; “You should get some sleep as well.”

Leo just nods. It’s not a nod in agreement, we all know that. He nods because he heard  him, because he understood what he said and what he thinks. Master Splinter sighs again, softer this time. He leaves Leo where he stands and walks into his own room. There isn’t much more he can do. He knows that all too well, and I know it kills him just as it kills me… Well, maybe that is a poor choice of words.

Three words on Master Splinter? Trying, cracked, isolated.

The door shuts after Master Splinter, leaving Leo and I behind in the silence. It’s almost worse than before, somehow even more suffocating. How is that possible? A few months ago I would have argued that silence couldn’t actually be harmful like this… A lot of things have changed since then.

“He’s right, you know,” I say. It’s pointless and I know it, but I can’t help myself. “You really should sleep, Leo.”

I expect to be ignored as per the new norm. Instead, by some miracle, Leo seems to be taking my advice. Just like Master Splinter, Leo disappears into his room. I still have my doubts that he’ll actually sleep – I’ll have to check on him later – but it’s a step in the right direction.

Alone in the room, I glance around. I want to figure out where our home has disappeared; looking to see if there are any visual clues. I don’t find any. What I do find, however, are three – no, wait, there’s another – four broken TVs. There’s a big hole through each of the screens. One of them has also been violently relocated to the floor. How did they…? I try to think back to how they broke when I see it. Lying on the floor next to one of the broken TVs is a sai. Raph’s sai.

So, that’s how they broke.

I resist the sudden urge to walk over there. There wouldn’t be any point in doing that either, would it? I can’t fix the TVs. Shell, for the first time in my life I’m stuck watching my home break down and being completely incapable of putting it back together. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do anymore.

It surprises me that Raph left the lair with only one sai, though. Then again, I suppose he wasn’t exactly in his right mind when he did. Raging, overemotional, broken – three words for Raph.

I sigh out my frustration and woe. It doesn’t even echo once in the emptiness. Honestly, it kind of takes the satisfaction out of a loud sigh… I shake my head. A sigh can’t fix my problems anyway.

There’s a noise behind me and I turn back into Mikey’s room. He has started tossing and turning in the bed. Again…

Sad, shattered, small.

Can’t he at least be allowed some rest when he sleeps? If there is a God or Fate or anything like it out there, it is a very cruel being. I tiptoe into Mikey’s room and over to his bed. I don’t know why I keep doing this. I could stomp like an elephant and it wouldn’t make a difference. I suppose tiptoeing just feel right – as if it would have mattered.

That, and old habits, I guess. They truly are hard to shake. There are a lot of them I am still clinging to. I haven’t been able to decide if that is a good thing yet, or just a first sign of madness.

I stand by the head of Mikey’s bed, watching him silently. It’s a different kind of silence in here. Not total and less suffocating; more uneasy and tense, like Mikey’s sleep. Mikey is still tossing and turning, and mumbling in his sleep. It’s too quiet and too slurred together for me to make out the words. A part of me doesn’t even want to. I don’t think it would do either of us any good for me to hear them. Instead, I let my hand hover above his head. I wish I could just… hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay. But I know that is impossible.

Before I figure out what to say, a sudden loud bang has me jumping high. With my heart still racing I quickly glance down to make sure he’s okay. He’s still sleeping; restlessly, but sleeping nonetheless. The sounds continue behind me. It sounds like Raph is stumbling through the lair, he’s back sooner than I expected. I lean down close to Mikey, whispering – and wishing that my words will reach him in his dream at least.

“Shh… Easy, Mikey, it’s okay. It’s just a nightmare–” no, it’s not, you dumb turtle! “You’re okay. Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

I know it’s a coincidence, I know he can’t actually hear me – but Mikey still sighs. It isn’t a sad sigh like Master Splinter’s, or upset like mine; it’s almost… I’m not sure I dare to say content. Nothing about Mikey’s sleep tonight has been content. Still, he stops tossing, stops turning. His breathing evens out. He almost looks peaceful, as if the nightmare has finally turned into a good dream instead.

I’m still reluctant to leave him alone, but force myself to do so anyway. He seems to, at last, be getting some well-deserved rest, and I have two more brothers to check up on. One of which has just returned home – because this is still a home, our home. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. It’s anyone’s guess how long Raph will stay here, though, so I want to check on him while I still have the chance. Nowadays, he seems to take any opportunity he has to leave the lair. It’s not like he didn’t use to do that before, too, but the reason behind it is so starkly different. It doesn’t feel like he does it to go topside anymore, he seems to do it to just… not be here. 

When I exit Mikey’s room, Raph is picking up his forgotten sai by the TVs. He’s glaring at it angrily, as if it can hold all the blame for this messed up new life we seem to find ourselves stuck in. I watch his grip tighten around the handle, hand shaking slightly. His gaze shifts to the TVs, and then back to his sai.

“No… No, no, come on, Raph!” I plead on deaf ears as I realize what he’s thinking. “Don’t– Don’t break another one. Please, just… Just calm down, okay?”

I seem to be on an unusual roll tonight, because Raph turns sharply on his heel, leaving the remaining TVs intact. As he walks away, I can still see the rage that burns in his eyes and pulls his entire body tight and tense. He disappears again, out into the night once more, now with both sais in his hands. I’m left standing there, just looking after him. Another sigh escapes my lips. This isn’t the outcome I hoped for.

One hour passes. Then another. And another… As I wait for my brother to return, I can’t help but find three words to describe myself as well. Invisible, defeated… dead.

Raph’s return is as sudden as his departure. The anger seems to be gone now; bled out into the night above our heads. Now, Raph is just another teenager needing sleep. No, that’s not true. He has never been just a teenager. None of us have, and now we seem farther from it than ever before…

Raph passes right by me and I can see that he’s been in a fight during the night. Maybe even multiple fights. Tomorrow he is surely going to have a black eye to match with his bruised knuckles – yet another thing I have no control over and will be unable to do anything about. Maybe he and Master Splinter will get into another fight about it, again. Maybe Mikey will hide out all day in his room, again. Maybe Leo will drown silently in his own emotions, again.

Whatever they do, it will be without me. Again…

Raph, too, disappears into his own room for the night, leaving me alone once more. Alone in the dark and silence. This silence, unlike the one before, isn’t awful. It feels good; natural. It is the kind of silence that belongs in a home at night, with everyone sleeping. I give Raph a little longer to settle in before I start my nightly round. I check on my family, one at a time. Thankfully, they are all actually sleeping tonight. Each one more restless than the last.

In the silence, I retake my place in front of the exit, watching over our home. Anyone who wants to get to my family will have to go through me. Literally. It isn’t much… but keeping an eye on my family is all that I have left.

So, I will keep doing it.

[shewhohangsoutincemeteries]

to ashes, in memoriam

Clint Barton x F!Reader

To Ashes, Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Summary: the third anniversary of the snap thaws some of the tension between the two of you.

Warnings: hurt/comfort

Word Count: 1,570

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Days Since the Decimation: Three Years

Springtime in London might have been lovely, had it not been for the blanket of solemnity hanging over every square mile of the city. The third anniversary of the Decimation had been looming over you, over everyone, for weeks now. And now that it had arrived… you had spent much of the day locked away in your room, hoping to simply sleep through it.

Clint had stayed, and the two of you had returned to old routines, making your way west until you’d finally found yourselves on the outskirts of London. If possible, the two of you communicated even less than before, and you found yourself avoiding him just to make it easier to ignore the tension between you. The longer it went on, the more frustrated with your situation you became. Much of your time seemed now to be spent expelling the energy building inside you.

So, when Clint knocked on the door to the room you had claimed when you’d found yourselves an apartment on the outskirts of the city in a building too rundown for the city to relocate locals into, you were surprised. You sat up in the bed, pushing hair out of your eyes.

“Come in?”

“Hey,” he said gruffly, averting his eyes as if you were in some way indecent. It was almost normal to you now; you swore the only time you ever really felt his eyes on you was when yours were turned away. “Did I wake you?”

You shook your head; you’d been laying there for the last two hours, staring out the window at nothing but the sliver of sky you could see between the curtains. But that didn’t feel like something worth mentioning. “What’s up?”

“Get dressed. We’re going out.”

You frowned, pushing the blankets off of your legs. “You’ve got a target?”

“It’s not work,” he replied, his tone unchanging. “Civilian clothes.”

“…Okay.” you said, confusion furrowing your brow. “Okay, just, uh… Just give me five minutes.”

***

Hyde Park was crowded, throngs of people choking the pathways that led to the lake. Lingering in any one place with this many people made you feel exposed in a way that you’d come to loathe over the last three years, and you tugged the baseball cap you wore a little lower on your brow.

“What are we doing here?” you asked quietly.

Clint shrugged a shoulder as though his leading you out that evening had been no more than a whim. But despite his reluctance to talk, to even spend time with you outside of a hunt, this was where he’d brought you. “It’s a memorial.”

Daylight was beginning to ebb as you approached Serpentine Lake, and the lights that marked the edges of the path the two of you were following were starting to glow against the soft light of dusk. The crowds around you collected in smaller parties, and the atmosphere that hung like a mist around the park kept their tones hushed. Reverent. The result was an almost hypnotic hum, and you found yourself stepping closer to Clint’s side at the noise.

He didn’t move away.

You didn’t understand quite what he meant until you finally reached the Lake proper. And your breath hitched.

Countless lights bobbed along the surface of the lake, slowly moving in and out of view between the bodies lining the shore. Each light was carried by a delicate paper lantern, the underside waxed against the water. As you drew closer, you could just make out the lines marking the sides of the lanterns still in the hands of the people ahead of you; the names of those they had lost.

“Clint…”

He didn’t say anything; and you didn’t know how you were supposed to finish that sentence. Booths had been set up about thirty feet back from the shoreline, and you followed Clint wordlessly towards one of them. The table was carefully piled with paper lanterns and tealights, and after collecting two of each from a kind-faced woman, he led you to an unoccupied patch on the shore.

The sound of water shifting joined the soundscape around you, the scent of it at the edge of your mind. Clint knelt down on the grass, handing you one of the lanterns and a marker. You paused after taking them, running your fingertips over the dense paper before you joined him.

You wrote their names slowly, carefully, turning the lantern so the letters formed a morbid crown around its head.

Wanda… Sam… Bucky… Vision… Hill… Fury… Peter… T’Challa… Shuri…

You hesitated for a long moment before following their names with two more words.

I’m sorry.

***

The crowds grew so slowly and steadily around you that you barely noticed it before you stood and found yourself surrounded by bodies. Clint’s arm brushed against yours as he straightened too, the two of you holding your lanterns carefully before you. Your fingers tightened briefly on yours as though it would be ripped from your hands; wax slid under your nails.

Your eyes dropped to the near-identical lantern in Clint’s hands. His thumb stroked over the rigid paper almost idly, and you turned away again before your eyes could focus on the words that he had written on the side of it. Instead, you shouldered your way through the people crowding the shoreline until the toes of your boots were kissed by the soft ebb and flow of the water.

Once again you felt Clint’s presence by your shoulder, and you resisted the urge to lean back into the warmth of him. Instead, you turned to face him, swallowing as you took his lantern gingerly. You held them steady, your eyes meeting his in brief, flickering moments as he lit the candles within.

And the two of you set the lanterns down on the water, and you wrapped your arms around yourself as they ever so slowly bobbed out to join the others to reflect golden light on the mirror’s surface.

***

It wasn’t long, despite your best effort, before you lost sight of which lanterns were yours, eyes blurring with the pinpricks of light in front of you. Clint still stood by your side, and the more time stretched out before you the more the sounds of murmured conversation and the acoustic guitar someone played nearby fell away. It all fell away until all that anchored you to reality, to that spot you stood on, was the soft sound of Clint’s steady, calming breath.

The crowd moved around you in the same kind of slow ebb and flow as the water; the two of you standing sentinel on the edge of the lake. The sky darkened above you, and the lights on the lake warmed as the water turned to ink. Someone was speaking over a microphone, a grave voice intoning a eulogy to everyone that had been lost.

What you noticed of the speaker’s words soon turned to messages of hope and ‘togetherness in the face of adversity’, and Clint’s own voice broke you out of your revery.

“Hey,” he said softly, his hand touching the middle of your back. “Come with me.”

You nodded, wrapping your arms around yourself as he led you away from the bulk of the crowd. You found yourself needing to fill the silence that hung between you, and you spoke quietly. “How did you hear about all this?”

“There was something on the news,” he replied, an almost forced casualness to his tone. “I thought… I thought this might be good for you.”

You raised a brow in touched disbelief at his concern, a small, snide smile blooming at the corner of your lips. “Just me, huh?”

You saw his own smirk flash over his features beneath his hood despite himself, but he didn’t reply.

“Thank you, Clint.”

He nodded; his eyes still turned ahead of you. A part of you wondered what if would take for him to meet your eye again. He’d shaved, for the first time in weeks, and you cursed yourself silently even as you considered briefly what it would be like to trace the line of his jaw with your fingertips.

A shoulder knocked into yours – a passerby unaware of either of your identities – and you stumbled slightly. It was only for a second, but it was enough to separate the two of you for a brief moment. And you looked down in surprise as Clint turned back towards you and caught hold of your hand with his own.

You watched his hand slip around to take yours, his fingers lacing with your own. His palm was warm and softer than you remembered. He tugged you back into step beside him gently, and something selfish in your chest flipped when he didn’t immediately let go.

***

Clint led you to the bridge that overlooked Serpentine Lake, tucking his hands into his pockets as you stood against the rails. He’d later, when he’d heard your breath shudder, wrapped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you in against his side. You hadn’t questioned the change in his demeanor – the anniversary had granted the two of you a brief reprieve in his staunch avoidance of you – you’d just let your head rest against his shoulder.

It was hours before you left that spot, long after the last mourners had gone, and after the very last candle had gone out.

.

.

.

tags:@trekkingaroundasgard@lovely-dreamer19@wittyforachange@wefracturedmotivation@january-echoes@glossyloner@capitalnineteen@youclickedthislink@s0ftness@castieltrash1@drakelover78@queenoftheunderdark@lol-you-thought@akumune@xxboesefrauxx@enna-core@hearmyharmony@katsies@youralphawolf72@maenji@rhymesmenagerie@gwianasky@melaclintbartoncorner@loki-is-loved@whovianayesha @bradfordbantams @alice-the-nerd@fanofallthefics@ace-fandom-dumbass@kaelyn-lobrutto24@twsssmlmaa@earth-pig-fish@meeksmusic83@hallothankmas@justanothermagicalsara@janineb86@darsynia@rhymesmenagerie @thatwelshbi @lauraashley93

[robin-riverr]

About the Man's Best Friend album cover.

I've been a fan of Sabrina Carpenter since I was little, I think around 7 or 8, I'd be watching Girl Meets World at my grandmas house and would act out Maya Hart (Sabrina's character) all the time, she has meant the world to me since I was little. I lost track of her when Girl Meets World ended but recently found her again a few months ago when she was on the Short n Sweet tour and I feel in love all over again. I'm now 18 and am fully able to enjoy her lyrics and dance along with her to songs. The only badges I've earned on Youtube music have been that I'm in the 0.1% of Sabrina listeners.

So to now focus on the new album cover for Man's Best Friend, I, personally, see no problem with it, but that's my opinion as someone who has been groomed, sexually assaulted, and has had unfiltered internet access since I was 6 years old. I watched porn, hentai, even sometimes I would accidentaly stumble upon a snuff film. I started taking nudes when I was around 10 for male attention because that's what I thought was expected of me as a little girl with a corrupted view of my own sexuality. I have been exposed to other forms of sexual media, not just porn but expressive sexual art, which is a form of art that I enjoy. I grew up always dreaming to be a porn star or a street whore because I thought it was easy money and people around me where constantly sexualising me, I thought it was okay and even liked it because I was the lonely weird girl that no one really liked until I got boobs, suddenly guys were all over me and I thought I could use them to help me and my mom get out of poverty and finally have enough money for food.

This is 100% the LEAST degrading thing I've ever seen a woman do, sexual or not. No, I don't think it's supposed to potray abuse. No, I don't think it's supposed to mock what Cassie went through with Diddy. No, I don't think she 'lacks the irony and intellectualism in her music to do this'. And I absolutely don't think that this is setting woman and feminisim back 100 years. Sabrina on all fours like a dog is not taking away womans rights, a man pulling her hair is not taking away womans rights, Sabrina singing about how she likes to have sex isn't taking away womans rights. Men are taking away womans rights by overturning Roe v Wade, banning emergency abortions, making married woman who have changed their last names unable to vote, keeping a baby alive in a dead womans body, the murder of woman being so fucking high in America, especially trans and Black women, and this doesn't even COVER the absolute horrible things woman in other countries face. Woman in some countries aren't allowed to talk, they have to be covered head to toe as not to tempt men into raping them. Woman in other countries are sent to huts when on their period due to periods being considered tabboo. They are murdered, beaten, hurt, and raped just for existing. Now, I can absolutely see why someone cah be offended, hurt or disappointed by this picture, but there are so many worse album covers out there of men who are actaully degrading woman.

Examples are:

Vultures 1 by Kanye West

This Is Hardcore by Pulp

My Dark Twisted Fantasy by Kanye West

Mondo Sex Head by Rob Zombie

Country Life by Roxy Music

Virgin Killer by Scorpions

P4 by Party Next Door

Literally just scroll on the wiki page for banned/controversial album covers and you'll find awful shit degrading woman. I'm positive there's other album covers that aren't on there too.

Next, I want to talk about Sabrina's 'Lolita' photoshoot.

Obviously, there's a similarity, however, Sabrina wasn't the one in charge of this photoshoot, she doesn't get to decide the photos taken or published. This was a photoshoot for W Magazine around a year ago. This is only ONE photo of this "Lolita" photoshoot, none of the other photos bare any resembelance to any of the 'Lolita' movies, however, I don't know this for sure as I've never seen 'Lolita', and neither has Sabrina.

But I hear you say "Well she's lying!! Obviously she knew, it's a famous book and movie, there's no way she hasn't watched it, she refrenced it on her vinyl art!" I don't believe this is true either.

The vinyl cover isn't referencing 'Lolita', it's refrencing a 1960s Marilyn Monroe movie. It's much more obvious that she's refrencing the two movies shown in the post below then a scene from 'Lolita' where the man is taking off her shoes, he just has his hand on her foot in the vinyl image similar to the first picture in the tiktok below.

I fully believe Sabrina when she says she's not referencing 'Lolita' and has never seen it, I'm 18 and even though I heard about 'Lolita' from the Lana Del Rey song of the same name in th fifth grade, to this day I still have not watched 'Lolita' willingly and the only way I would want to would be to watch it with a critical lens, not because I enjoy a movie about a 13 year old girl getting groomed. I also question the people who are saying she absolutely is refrencing 'Lolita', as if you do watch the movie, from what I've heard, it's not sexually explicit. It potrays a young girl getting groomed by an old man, but from what I've seen, it's just grooming. As far as I know, he doesn't try to force her into anything, though I may be wrong on that. It it entirely possible to watch a movie without endorsing every single detail and action done by a character, I know people online who have seen 'Lolita' just to analyze the charaters and plot, not because they endorse the actions of a sick mans fantasies. No one who has watched 'American Psycho' is going to go off on a killing spree because they completely agree with Patrick Batemans character. No one who has watched 'Misery' is going to kidnap their favorite author and torture them like how Annie does with Paul.

If anyone is to blame for the "Lolita" shoot, if we are believing it is a direct reference to the scene in 'Lolita' it would be the photographer and director of the shoot, not Sabrina herself. I've seen people argue "Well, Sabrina should've spoken up about the picture! She should know better because it's a refernece to 'Lolita'!" ...How would she know it's a reference to a movie she hasn't seen? Taking her words from earlier as truth, her laying in the grass with a sprinkler on wouldn't have set off any red flags if she hasn't see 'Lolita', and if she had seen 'Lolita', I doubt it would've crossed her mind to ask or speak up if it was a refernece because she was working. Laying on the grass with a sprinkle isn't something that 'Lolita' invented, it's a completely normal thing to do if it's hot outside, viewing it through a sexual lens, similar to how the man in 'Lolita' does with the girl, means you probably interpreted the scene exactly how the main character did. The book 'Lolita' is told through the male characters perspective, it's supposed to show you how he's a disgusting pervert, you're not supposed to sympathize with him, he's an unreliable narrator. The movie adaptations fail to get this narrative across.

To quote someone on Reddit "The movies fail because everyone who's adapted the book so far identifies more with the predator than the victim"

Lastly, I wanna talk about the infamous Nonsense outros from Mexico and Singapore. Now the Singapore one I don't care about, literally it's fine to shave your vagina, I know why people now associate that with children, but honestly I think that's more disgusting than shaving your vagina, it's fine to shave down there if that's your prefernece. The Nonsense outro for Mexico is something that I will absolutely critizie her for! She definetly could've used a better word for short than nina, and she definitely shouldn't have used nina. I think that 'come and put something neat in my casita' is completely irrelevant for the previous line, as all lines in Nonesense aren't supposed to have any corralation with each other. I also keep seeing people say that it's ' come put something big in my casita' but I'm like 99% sure she said neat.

Sabrina has also asked a 16 year old fan if she felt horny, though this was paired up with sad and angry to describe her emotions. It is weird and she does immediately regret saying it. Then there's a clip from her Short n' Sweet tour choosing two young girls for the hottest person that night leading into her song Juno. This is something else I will criticize her for...why the fuck did she do that genuinely?? Despite that, I don't think she's a pedofile and she didn't say anything outwardly creepy to the young girls, all she did was call them cute and when giving them the handcuffs she said 'So you can handcuff yourselves to eachother' which I'm going to assume she meant so that they don't lose each other in the crowd or like how kids play cop and prisoner. But I do want to make another point, those two little girls should NOT have been at the Short n' Sweet tour. I don't know if they were brought in by a parent who was a Sabrina fan or if they were fans themselves but regardless THEY.SHOULD.NOT.HAVE.BEEN.THERE. Sabrina's songs are made for people 18 and over and I don't know why that isn't stated either on the pages where you go to buy tickets or on the damn tickets themselves. If any parent comes across this, please don't take your young children to a concert that has explicit songs in it. If you do not know if there will be explicit songs, ask you kid! If they refuse to answer, look the artist and tour setlist up yourself and determine if that is really the best place to take a young child. If you are a parent going to a tour and are considering bringing your child along, don't, either leave them with a trusted relative, hire a babysitter, or (depending on the age of the child) leave them home alone and teach them proper safety for staying home alone.

I'm not blaming the children for being called on, that's completely on Sabrina. All I and other fans can do is hope she doesn't repeat these same choices again. I still absolutely love Sabrina, but it is important to criticize your favorite artists for things that they have done wrong. And if it comes out that Sabrina has seen 'Lolita', and that she is referencing it, then I'm willing to admit that I was wrong.

I hope someone might've gotten something out of reading this, I know I'm a bit late to the discourse but my account got banned for a short period of time so this is getting posted later than I wanted. I encourage my fellow Carpenters to look at both sides of this discourse and listen to anyone who says that the Man's Best Friend album cover might trigger them, it's important to listen to victims, even over silly internet dicourse. Do not deny someone elses hurt just because you don't agree on something. As I stated earlier, I can completely see how the image might be triggering for victims of domestic violence, abuse, sexual assault or anything else falling under the compleatly broad umbrella of pain inflicted onto another person. Sabrina isn't perfect, even though I'm defending her through the majority of this post I know damn well she's fucked up before, and she probably will again, she's human, I'm not gonna put her on a pedestal just because she's famous and I like her, she should be called out on when she makes mistakes or does something bad, as does everyone else in the world. I'm also not trying to infantilize her, she's 26, she can make her own decisions. I'm not so brainwashed by celeberties that I believe they can do no wrong and have to always make the right choice. I say this because a lot of the time I see someone defeinding Sabrina on this, another person always says something like 'stop infantilizing her, she's an adult' and I know that, that doesn't mean I like everything she does. I mean I love her and she means a lot to me but I'm not gonna kiss her ass when I know she's done something wrong. Keep an open mind, don't automatically assume someone is a groomer, pedofile, pedofile defender, or harmful person until they haven proven themselves that they are or are not. And if that person isn't going to deny the allegations, use evidence, context clues, any proof that had been shown and think for yourself and think critically, you were given brain, use it.

- Robin

[c0pernicus]

How did you deal with losing a sibling? I don't think I'll ever recover

tbh for me i was really young (about 7/8) and the circumstances surrounding it were kind of set up for a very slow processing time.

not to ramble on forever, but essentially my dad had retired (my parents had me p old, early 40's and early 50's) and my mom, dad, and I were moving from Virginia several states away. my brother was 10 years older than me, had just turned 18, and was planning to stay in virginia with his girlfriend and i believe go to college?

he had p bad asthma, and he ended up getting some kind of pneumonia or lung-based illness very suddenly that got bad really quick while we were finishing packing to move/in the middle of moving. he was taking over the counter medications to help with some of the symptoms, and he went to the doctors and was given a prescription without the doctor telling him to not take any kind of OTC medications with what he was prescribed. it was a big mess of his asthma, the illness, and the mixing medications that caused him to pass in his sleep one night. my dad and i had taken a bunch of stuff to our new house out of state and my mom was in virginia with him when he passed.

because it was already drilled into me that i wouldn't really see him much at all once we had moved, and because i didn't really participate much in his funeral (i don't think they let me see him at the viewing, just when he was buried) it took a lot of years for me to even process the fact that he isn't still in virginia, he's buried down the street. i don't remember a whole lot from that whole part of my life for a big number of reasons, but i do remember having a moment of clarity when i was around 13 or 14 of him being inaccessible to me anymore.

the biggest thing i learned throughout the years (it's been nearly 2 decades since he passed by now) is that there isn't really one answer on how you deal with losing a sibling. i just try to remember him when i can, i wear a necklace i picked out for him before he passed with a bear paw on it (i called him bearbear when i was little) every single day, and i try to get him cake for his birthday (german chocolate with the coconut pecan icing) and sometimes my mom and i will travel or do something on the day of his passing. his birthday is new years, and this past new years i spent an hour on the phone sobbing to my mom at 4am because i forgot to get him a slice of birthday cake this year. it doesn't stop hurting, but it does stop being as devastating and mournful as time passes. visit wherever they're resting, talk to them whenever as if they're there, talk about them positively and reminiscently, if you believe in praying then you can pray to them. listen to their music, write them letters, keep a photo of them in your room or wallet, whatever feels right to you.

this got really long, but i appreciate the opportunity to talk about it even if it was a long time ago. as far as handling their death, do what feels right for you. grief has a bunch of emotional stages and personally ive found they dont always happen in the stereotypical "stages of grief" order that theyre listed in so be patient with yourself and just feel them out. theyll pass. just try to take care of yourself until they do.

[julesjustagirl]

order up: a vent(i) from an angsty teen on her period.

It’s 5 pm when I take a seat at a high top chair by the windows of a coffee shop, overseeing the front view. My aunt orders for me at the line. My feet throb from hours of walking. 20 minutes earlier, I’d asked to sit down, but the mall only had chairs in restaurants or shops. (I was too embarrassed to stay in the store just to sit on a chair while my sister looked around.)

I can’t tell whether it’s my stomach that hurts, or my lower abdomen. Either way, the pain that shoots through is unbearable. It serves as a reminder that I woke up with a period today, and will continue to do so every month for the rest of my life. I hate it.

I decide people watching is a good way to get my mind off the pain. And it works, for just a bit.

Outside, a mob of people occupy the designated outdoor cafe tables. Two sisters squabble over sharing food and drinks. I wonder if that was what me and my sister looked like when we were younger. Except that we were probably much more annoying then. I make up stories about the customers; the two women sitting together are bestfriends meeting up to study, with iPads out, coffee on the ready to pump caffeine for fuel, but end up getting distracted on their phones. The couple sitting at the far corner are teenage tourists who have decided to take a break from window shopping— and possibly share the same ache in their feet like I do.

I listen as my aunt orders at the cashier, separating her voice from the jazzy Christmas music in the background: “one mocha with almond milk, please.” She says. That’s not what I wanted.

The cashier tells her they didn’t have almond milk, and she opts for soy milk instead. I wait until she finishes before telling her I wanted oat milk in the first place. She apologizes and goes to the cashier to ask if she could replace the soy for oat. The woman nods as she prepares another — presumably — person’s order. 

I cheer internally.

A few minutes later, my aunt sets the cup of coffee on the table along with a packet of sugar. I don’t take the sugar.

I take a sip. It’s not so bad, the drink is warm and soothing. A tinge of bitter from the coffee, and some sweetness from the chocolate. I’ve never enjoyed anything bitter, it’s always been a distaste on my tongue. But I don’t hate it that much now. 

I recalled a fact I once read online: our tastebuds change every 7 years. (Fact check: that’s a myth, our tastebuds change every two weeks, 10 days at minimum. It’s a good sentiment to relate to how we change as we grow old, though.)

Maybe it’s a sign I’ve gotten older. Bitter coffee— or really, bitter anything, is an acquired taste to me. I’ll get there one day, perhaps. Just not now.

There’s an uncomfortable rumble in my body, a fresh wave of agonising pain that echoes throughout. I’m grasping at the tabletop, clenching and unclenching my hands into fists. Hozier’s songs blasting through my headphones does nothing to pacify the breathing sting of torture.

Something tells me the coffee is what’s causing the ache.

I continue to take small sips anyway. There’s a small thought in the back of my head that questions whether this is an act of masochism.

Nothing good comes out of drinking the mocha. I take a sip, do my best to endure the deep ache, and savour the taste despite the pungent flavor. I try to convince myself (more like gaslight) that I’m not in pain, hoping I’d make some kind of placebo effect take place.

The pain doesn’t subside, however. It comes back every few minutes.

I still continue to drink the coffee. 

Damnit, Jules, make up your mind.

[whisperthatruns]

Jail Poems

1

I am sitting in a cell with a view of evil parallels, Waiting thunder to splinter me into a thousand me's. It is not enough to be in one cage with one self; I want to sit opposite every prisoner in every hole. Doors roll and bang, every slam a finality, bang! The junkie disappeared into a red noise, stoning out his hell. The odored wino congratulates himself on not smoking, Fingerprints left lying on black inky gravestones, Noises of pain seeping through steel walls crashing Reach my own hurt. I become part of someone forever. Wild accents of criminals are sweeter to me than hum of cops, Busy battening down hatches of human souls; cargo Destined for ports of accusations, harbors of guilt. What do policemen eat, Socrates, still prisoner, old one?

2

Painter, paint me a crazy jail, mad water-color cells. Poet, how old is suffering? Write it in yellow lead. God, make me a sky on my glass ceiling. I need stars now, To lead through this atmosphere of shrieks and private hells, Entrances and exits, in . . . out . . . up . . . down, the civic seesaw. Here — me — now — always here somehow.

3

In a universe of cells—who is not in jail? Jailers. In a world of hospitals—who is not sick? Doctors. A golden sardine is swimming in my head. Oh we know some things, man, about some things Like jazz and jails and God. Saturday is a good day to go to jail.

4

Now they give a new form, quivering jelly-like, That proves any boy can be president of Muscatel. They are mad at him because he's one of Them. Gray-speckled unplanned nakedness; stinking Fingers grasping toilet bowl. Mr. America wants to bathe. Look! On the floor, lying across America's face— A real movie star featured in a million newsreels. What am I doing—feeling compassion? When he comes out of it, he will help kill me. He probably hates living.

5

Nuts, skin bolts, clanking in his stomach, scrambled. His society's gone to pieces in his belly, bloated. See the great American windmill, tilting at itself, Good solid stock, the kind that made America drunk. Success written all over his street-streaked ass. Successful-type success, forty home runs in one inning. Stop suffering, Jack, you can't fool us. We know. This is the greatest country in the world, ain't it? He didn't make it. Wino in Cell 3.

6

There have been too many years in this short span of mine. My soul demands a cave of its own, like the Jain god; Yet I must make it go on, hard like jazz, glowing In this dark plastic jungle, land of long night, chilled. My navel is a button to push when I want inside out. Am I not more than a mass of entrails and rough tissue? Must I break my bones? Drink my wine-diluted blood? Should I dredge old sadness from my chest? Not again, All those ancient balls of fire, hotly swallowed, let them lie. Let me spit breath mists of introspection, bits of me, So that when I am gone, I shall be in the air.

7

Someone whom I am is no one. Something I have done is nothing. Someplace I have been is nowhere. I am not me. What of the answers I must find questions for? All these strange streets I must find cities for, Thank God for beatniks.

8

All night the stink of rotting people, Fumes rising from pyres of live men, Fill my nose with gassy disgust, Drown my exposed eyes in tears.

9

Traveling God salesmen, bursting my ear drum With the dullest part of a good sexy book, Impatient for Monday and adding machines.

10

Yellow-eyed dogs whistling in evening.

11

The baby came to jail today.

12

One more day to hell, filled with floating glands.

13

The jail, a huge hollow metal cube Hanging from the moon by a silver chain. Someday Johnny Appleseed is going to chop it down.

14

Three long strings of light Braided into a ray.

15

I am apprehensive about my future; My past has turned its back on me.

16

Shadows I see, forming on the wall, Pictures of desires protected from my own eyes.

17

After spending all night constructing a dream, Morning came and blinded me with light. Now I seek among mountains of crushed eggshells For the God damned dream I never wanted.

18

Sitting here writing things on paper, Instead of sticking the pencil into the air.

19

The Battle of Monumental Failures raging, Both hoping for a good clean loss.

20

Now I see the night, silently overwhelming day.

21

Caught in imaginary webs of conscience, I weep over my acts, yet believe.

22

Cities should be built on one side of the street.

23

People who can't cast shadows Never die of freckles.

24

The end always comes last.

25

We sat at a corner table, Devouring each other word by word, Until nothing was left, repulsive skeletons.

26

I sit here writing, not daring to stop, For fear of seeing what's outside my head.

27

There, Jesus, didn't hurt a bit, did it?

28

I am afraid to follow my flesh over those narrow Wide hard soft female beds, but I do.

29

Link by link, we forged the chain. Then, discovering the end around our necks, We bugged out.

30

I have never seen a wild poetic loaf of bread, But if I did, I would eat it, crust and all.

31

From how many years away does a baby come?

32

Universality, duality, totality . . . .one.

33

The defective on the floor, mumbling, Was once a man who shouted across tables.

34

Come, help flatten a raindrop.

Written in San Francisco City Prison Cell 3, 1959

Bob Kaufman (1925--1986), Collected Poems of Bob Kaufman (City Lights Books, 2019)

[cryptidsurveys]

Monday, July 29th, 2024.

1~ What quality do you value most highly in others? Some form or variation of empathy. Those who are understanding, considerate, nuanced, capable of putting themselves in someone else's shoes or seeing something from multiple points of view.

2~ Are you more aggressive or mellow? I have mellowed out a lot over the last year or so. I'm a rather mellow driver. I'm very mellow at the animal shelter…in fact, I'm probably too mellow. People will routinely express annoyance over various situations, and sometimes I'm like, "that's fair, I can see that;" but other times, I just don't understand what all the fuss is about. I've been there for a little over a year now, so I would consider myself fairly integrated into the way of things, but there are times when I wonder…am I just extremely good-natured or am I ignorant of why this is such a big deal? Sometimes I feel like I have to feign annoyance in order to fit in. I guess I'm just really leaning into my increasingly Type B personality.

I think the only time I really even approach aggression - or, more accurately, passion/assertiveness - would be around my dad. He's the only person with whom I feel comfortable fully expressing myelf. Oh, and I am more animated with my therapist as well, but again, I think "aggressive" would be too strong of a word. It's not that I'm never aggressive; it's just that it's become such a rare thing and it hardly ever surpasses irritation, disappointment, etc. A momentary "God fvcking damn it!" and then back to business as usual.

3~ Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My dad.

4~ Do you take any vitamins or medication? I don't take any vitamins or prescription medication, but I do take OTC migraine medication.

5~ Do you want to grow old with someone? Romantically speaking? It's a lovely thought, it's definitely something I wish for, but I don't know if it'll ever happen. I'm still having a difficult time genuinely connecting with other people. It's just so hard to trust; it feels easier and safer keeping everyone at a distance.

6~ Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? I'm actually not sure. I am trying to treat myself better in general, though. You know, that whole concept of "you can't hate yourself into a version you can love."

7~ What sound is annoying you right now? The swamp cooler is kind of loud, but I wouldn't say it's on the level of annoyance. The only time it really gets to me - assuming I don't just sort of block it out - is when I'm trying to sleep.

8~ Where was your last vacation to? I haven't been on a proper vacation in years.

9~ Where was your last car ride to? Like, as a passenger? It was on Friday evening, when my dad and I went to that fundraising dinner for the animal shelter. The last time I drove was earlier today, though - home from the shelter. I was there from about 7am-12pm. I was there all day yesterday, too - from 7am-5pm. Full days are getting easier!

10~ Where did you last walk to? I don't remember the last time I walked anywhere in particular…or even just went on a casual stroll.

11~ What gives you a peaceful feeling? Driving home after a long day and unwinding with some classical music. Listening to historical, philosophical, or space-related YT videos while I fall asleep. Making art. Crickets chirping in the night. Spending time out in nature. Cloudy, rainy, snowy, or otherwise "gloomy" weather. Cuddling with my kitties. Etc.

12~ Are you a light sleeper? I guess I'm somewhere in the middle. I won't wake up over any little noise or disturbance, but I'm not hard to wake up if need-be.

13~ When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? It just depends.

14~ How many people have a piece of your heart? I would say three people have significant pieces of my heart, with numerous others having random small bits of it.

15~ What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? I don't have salt/pepper shakers.

16~ When was the last time you hurt yourself? I don't recall.

17~ Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? The country.

18~ Have you ever built something? Nothing major, but small things, sure.

19~ Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? I guess it's a balance. I don't think I fall heavily to one side or the other.

20~ Do you take naps? Occasionally. I don't like to take them, but I will if I really have to.

21~ Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? I don't typically buy gifts for the holidays. I bought a few things for my mom last year because we've been back in touch, but otherwise, I just…don't.

22~ Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? Hmm.

23~ If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? Aside from my dad or my therapist, I think I'd be scared to ask. I mean, many of the people I know probably think good things, but…idk, it's kind of like mind-reading in the sense that ignorance is bliss. I would really just rather not hear their assessment of me.

24~ What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? Idk.

25~ Do you ever need ‘quiet time’? Yeah. I need about an equal amount of quiet time and social time. Too much of one or the other will leave me feeling out of sorts.

26~ Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to outlive their parent? I think a lot depends on the circumstances.

27~ What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift? Idk.

28~ What is one selfish thing you tend to do? Prioritize myself and my feelings. <- This. Like, I know that's not necessarily selfishness by itself, but sometimes I cross the spectrum into selfish territory.

29~ What kinds of people do you find intimidating? I find everyone intimidating.

30~ Out of everyone you know who has the most unique personality? I swear to God, I feel like I'm living in an RPG or simulation because everyone I know has some sort of stereotypical/archetypal personality and it fvcking WEIRDS ME OUT. I also feel like everyone is running scripts, like they just say the same expected things all the time. No one ever says anything that just comes out of the blue and really surprises me. It's always like, yeah, you WOULD say that. ;D Okay, maybe it's not that bad, I do know some people who don't completely fit a mold, but it's still weird…

31~ When do you do your best thinking? Who even knows.

32~ What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? Having sick cats put to sleep.

33~ Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? Maybe in school…I'm not sure. It just sounds vaguely familiar, like something I might have done at some point.

34~ What does your favorite coffee mug look like? It's just a regular mug with a picture of a calico kitty on it and it says "Meowy Christmas."

35~ What age do you think it is most difficult to be? I've had such an unconventional life that I feel like I can really only speak for myself, but even then…it's hard to say. Most of it has been difficult.

36~ Do you think you could handle a day in jail? A single day? Yeah. I could probably handle a lot of things for a single day.

37~ Who is the most overbearing person you know? Hmmm.

38~ Have you ever been on a trampoline? Yeah.

39~ What do you use batteries for the most often? I think the only things I use that require batteries are my keyboard and mouse, but I don't have to change them very often.

40~ Would you prefer to wrap your own presents or have them all gift wrapped? Wrap my own.

[theclearblue]

For the ship ask : ZoSan - Zoro & Sanji and MobRei - Mob (aged up) & Reigen and SatoSugu - Gojo and Getou.... Thx

Thank you for sending this is in!!

Zosan

Ship it

Fun fact I was pretty against this ship at the beginning when I first started watching (now it's my fave op ship lmao). I think the turning point for me was maybe Water 7/Enies Lobby when they really start working together, and Zoro worries about Sanji on the sea train. But when it became my favorite was probably the Nothing Happened scene and also when Kuma is chasing the strawhats in Sabaody. Just the way they clearly care so much for each other and their dreams where Zoro first protects Sanji in Thriller Bark, and then Sanji is worried enough about Zoro in Sabaody to protect him over Nami??? Yeaaaahhhh I started falling down the Zosan well pretty deep after that lmao

I think what makes Zosan fun is that they fight ALL the time but it's like...play fighting lmao?? If you've ever had cats where they just bat at each other and wrestle but they don't really hurt each other, it's all in good fun and then they snuggle up to each other? That's the Zosan dynamic to me lmaooo. But also under that I think they trust and respect each other more than anyone, both in a fight but also with what they view as the worst parts of themselves. Lots of potential with them I think (also VERY interested to see how the Wano oath will come back around because it will...)

Hmm I think sometimes when people write Zosan they either lean too much into domestic sappy lovers or just straight up toxic lmao. They are the pinnacle of cranky old married couple so when they don't make fun of each other anymore or playfight well..that's not Zosan lol, but then sometimes people go way to far the other way where they don't like each other at all and scream at each other and miscommunicate and that's just not any fun either, there's a balance.

MobRei

Don't Ship It

Usually I don't like an aged up ship unless you're aging up both characters, it's hard for me to get past an age gap that big because it colors so much of the dynamic. Even aging them up I think I couldn't stop imagining Reigen as the cringefail older brother/mentor type of figure to Mob.

Hmm honestly maybe aging Reigen down to Mob's age might be ok? As like a childhood friends kind of thing instead? I still don't think I would see that as romantic though.

Hmmm I think this one just isn't for me sorry

Satosugu

Ship it

God, what doesn't make me ship it? I know Ij ust made a post yesterday where I was like "You could interpret them as brothers!" and like, you COULD but this feels like the most obvious romantic subtext of all time with every scene they have. But I started shipping them when I read Hidden Inventory/Premature Death, and then the ship became really solidified with a JJK 0 reread and with the Gojo sealing scene. Gay disasters of all time.

I've talked about this a bit before but just the way that there is nobody else for them, nobody will understand Gojo like Geto does and vice versa. They are a pair, until they suddenly aren't, and neither really know how to navigate that. I think they embody a lot of the core themes of JJK really well, about love and death and corruption and loneliness. I think there are just a lot of different avenues to explore them, from pre HI arc to Geto's descent to the 10 years in between to JJK 0 and to Shibuya. They really do it all lmao, and of course, I am tragedy enjoyer first and foremost and they deliver.

Geto gets woobified waaaayyy too much by satosugu lovers. He is undeniably a victim under the jujutsu system and his struggles are very painful and even sympathetic, but I think some satosugu fans really erase his flaws way too much and end up blaming Gojo for everything? Which I think is wildly unfair.

[bloodywolfwings]

It's weird to think the year is almost over. I remember it beginning like it was last week. And yet it feels like so much has changed. I became a legal adult, I started work experience and I joined a new fandom that whilst chaotic at times and makes me worry for some at other times, is still one I love being in.

I wish I could've drawn something for the end of the year but I'm just going to ramble about Murder Drones instead because it became my nicotine.

I love Murder Drones, I joined the fandom back in late August of this year (if I remember correctly, Dead End was 2 weeks old).

I still remember how I got into it, it was because of a YouTuber call Sarcastic Chorus. I hadn't even heard of Murder Drones till he started to review it and I'll be honest, even though he did his first review of it back June, I still didn't watch the show proper till August.

Did this have an affect on my viewing experience when I watched it? Yes, yes it did. I'll be honest, I was rather indifferent to V because I already knew what happened in ep 6. Keep in mind that I didn't hate her, I just didn't care about her at the time, which is worse (this hurts to write now because I do care about her, I'd like to thank the fandom for helping me to see her as the cool and traumatised bad bitch that she is.)

Anyways, back on track, I remember after initially watching it I watched it again and again. Then I immediately went to go find fan content because I wanted more and wanted to see what the fans made (this resulted in my finding a particularly va channel that I won't be naming for reasons). This led to me going to find the MD fandom here on tumblr. That was want experience.

I remember when Matpat's MD film theory came out and people started to shit on it, it was fun to witness :3

Overall, joining this fandom was an awesome experience and got to see so many fun, colourful and beautiful pieces of art, fun and still headcannons and interesting theories that pointed out details that I didn't notice before. I love this fandom.

Let's see what 2024 will bring and let's all try and not breakdown when episode 7 and 8 come out. Who am I kidding, we're probably going to cry so let's try and be there for one another when it comes out because it's going to hit hard if the trailer suggest anything.