#Not us sending a decent song only for most bitches to put it at 30 out of 37 and/or not even acknowledge it ...YA MOM'S A HOE

[marciliedonato]

God, grant me the serenity to not look at the eurovision top 37s, the courage not to look at the eurovision top 37s and the wisdom not to look at the eurovision top 37s.....🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️

[kayluh1915]

Beautiful People

Paring(s): Pedro Pascal/Female Reader

Words: 5,378

Warnings: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Medication Discussions, Insecurities, and Panic Attacks.

You and Pedro have been secretly dating for a few months now after a chance meeting. You both agreed that it was time to reveal your relationship to the public and chose to do so by accompanying him at The Oscars, but your anxiety does a great job of making you think that you don't deserve it.

DISCLAIMER!

This story is based on the song Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran & Khalid, but this IS NOT a songfic. It just gave me this vibe of Pedro walking down the red carpet with someone who doesn't quite feel like they belong and he comforts her by saying he doesn't really belong either and proceeds to list why they're better off because of it. I dunno, It just sounded sweet.

As always, comments are welcomed and encouraged.

You can also follow me on Twitter if you'd like. My life is boring, but I might be able to make you laugh if I’m lucky.

Enjoy!

(PS: Pepe is a real person. He was my Spanish teacher my first semester of college... and yes, he really went to Cincinnati every Friday to gamble)

Read on AO3

My Masterlist

The frigid February air was like icicles on your skin, sending a full-blown shiver down your spine as you hurried out of the Science building and towards the dining hall. It was nearly noon and you’ve had only had a banana and a bottle of water this morning, so lunch sounded pretty great right about now… maybe a cup of hot cocoa as well.

The dining hall was about a three-minute walk from the Science building, more than enough time for the cold to seep through the layers of your coat and deep into your bones. The possibility of a cup of cocoa turned into an inevitability, you running for the hot beverage machine as soon as your student ID was swiped.

You sat at your usual spot, hanging your backpack on the back of the chair before taking a greedy sip of the hot drink. The warmth was a godsend, the sugary beverage warming your icy hands with a pleasant hum tumbling from your lips.

“You make noises like that in bed?” Someone asked, snapping you out of your warming daze. It was your roommate and closest friend, Lauren. You snorted at her remark, almost spitting out a sip of your drink.

“I thought you had Spanish class at noon?”

“Nah. It’s Friday, remember?”

“Oh yeah, gambling day.” Like you, Lauren was a music student. It was how you had met nearly four years ago. Like most music students, you both used the extra humanities credits you had earned in high school to bail you out of the required foreign language credit until university. You were doing fairly well so far, but it was because you had a decent teacher. She wasn’t the best, but she was alright.

Lauren’s was just… something else.

On the first day of class, he told his students to call him “Pepe” because he didn’t do the “formal shit.” He also said that there would never be a class on Friday’s because he goes up to Cincinnati to gamble with his buddies. Why he didn’t just put down that his classes were only on Monday and Wednesday were beyond you.

“Yeah. Whatever, though right?” Lauren continued. “I’m not complaining about one less day of class.” You smirked mischievously.

“No, but your Spanish is…” Lauren scoffed, only causing you to laugh harder into your cup.

“Bitch, you shut the fuck up. You can’t speak the damn language either.” You shrugged.

“You’re not wrong, but at least I’m learning more than you are with Pepe.” Lauren groaned.

“Fuck you. Come on, let’s grab some grub.” You stood up and grabbed your backpack, throwing away your empty drink cup to grab something to eat. You settled on your usual favorite and sat back down with Lauren who had somehow already made it halfway through her plate.

“God, slow down.” You teased as you hung your backpack back on the chair.

“I didn’t eat breakfast this morning. Cut a bitch a break.” You shook your head, digging into your own plate, but at a much slower pace. You both sat in comfortable silence, enjoying your meals as the indecent chatter of the surrounding students and meme music playing from the jukebox continued on.

“So,” Lauren said, breaking the silence as she sat down her drink. “What are you doing this weekend?” You froze at her question but played it off the best you could. Any hint of hesitation would send her into a frenzy of questions that you weren’t prepared to answer.

“I’m going in to see Mom. Maybe stop by my Mamaw’s too.” Lauren’s shoulders slumped.

“Damn, that’s too bad. Devon invited us over to his Oscar watch party tomorrow night. Figured you might want to come along since you’re into that sort of thing.” 

You swallowed hard at the mention of The Oscars. Just play it cool… don’t. fucking. panic.

“Normally I would, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen Mom. You know how she gets when I don’t come to visit for a while.” Lauren nodded her head in understanding, knowing full well of how your Mom was after living with you for two years.

Little did she know that you had just seen your mother last weekend.

“I understand, boo. I’ll let him know you can’t make it. When are you leaving?”

“As soon as I’m done here. I packed my stuff this morning so I could just go. Trying to beat the traffic as much as possible.” She nodded in understanding.

“Well, I hope you have a good time with your Mom. Say hi to her for me, will you?” You internally sighed a breath in relief. How your big mouth managed to keep him a secret all this time let alone this was beyond you, but you managed to pull it off somehow.

“Yeah, sure.”

After you finished eating, you hugged Lauren goodbye and went back to your dorm long enough to drop off the books you didn’t need and pick up your suitcase. You went through your mental checklist one last time and locked your door behind you as you left.

You unlocked your car and threw your stuff into the backseat, making your way towards the interstate as soon as you left the college.

Home was about a two or three-hour drive down south, but where you were really going was about a 40-minute drive north. You put on some music as you cruise down the interstate, your nervousness slowly increasing the closer you got to your destination.

Your hands shook on the steering wheel, you bounced your left knee furiously, and you were biting your lip… pretty hard. You thought about reaching into your purse for the “take as needed” anxiety medication your psychiatrist prescribed you but decided to hold off on it a little longer. Maybe it’d taper off when you got to the airport.

It didn’t.

You had flown before, but that had been years ago when your micro home town had some kind of festival thing and gave free airplane rides. This commercial airline stuff was something entirely new to you which was already nerve wreaking, but the unexpected bustle of such a smaller airport made it worse.

Weeks before when you first booked the flight to Los Angles, you did as much research as possible to make sure that you knew the “norms” and guidelines of all the airports you were going to since there were no direct flights available. You were as prepared as anyone could be, but you were still extremely nervous and all the foot traffic only made it worse.

You went through security without any qualms and took a seat to wait for your flight to begin boarding. You pulled out your phone and texted your Mom and Lauren before someone walked up to you in your peripheral.

“Excuse, miss?” You looked up from your phone to come face to face with an older gentleman. He looked to be in his early 50’s with salt and peppered hair and a kind smile. He asked you your name and you confirmed with a nod.

“Sorry to disturb you, but your private flight is prepared to depart whenever you’re ready, Miss.”

...Excuse you, what?

“P-Private flight? But I-... I paid for an American Airlines flight.” The man nodded.

“Yes, but Mr. Pascal has sent a private jet to retrieve you. He was fairly insistent to make sure that you boarded.” You sighed heavily. You told him that a two-stop economy flight that you paid for was more than fine, but the thought of you doing anything like a normal person seemed to bother him for some reason.

“Okay. I-I guess I’m ready to go then.” The man smiled.

“Of course, Miss. May I take your bags for you?” You hesitated.

You had never been waited on like this before and you weren’t quite sure how to feel or respond to it. You were perfectly capable of carrying your own stuff and this guy probably wasn’t getting paid enough to carry some lucky college student’s stuff, but was it rude to say no even if you did so in a polite manner? So, you just agreed and handed him over your suitcase and backpack.

You followed him outside and over to a small commercial jet, a woman who looked to be around her mid 30’s standing right by the entrance of the aircraft.

“Welcome aboard, Miss. I’m Kendall Bishop and I’m your captain for today. If you’ll go ahead and take a seat and buckle your seat belt, we’ll depart shortly. I do ask, however, that you remain seated and keep your seat belt fastened until Mr. Clements informs you that it is safe to move about the cabin. Do you have any questions for me before we begin our descent?”

You smiled politely at her and shook your head.

Upon entering the cabin, you were at a complete loss for words. It was easily the fanciest thing you’d ever seen. Leather seats, stocked alcohol shelves, an endless assortment of snacks, a TV, even a fucking bed of all things. The man, Mr. Clements you assumed, gestured towards the seat closest to you. You sat down and buckled your seat belt like you were told to do.

Mr. Clements then reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, gesturing for you to take it.

“Mr. Pascal requested I hand this to you as soon as you board.” You took the envelope out of his hands, looking down at it with a curious gaze. On the back of it had your name scribbled onto it in familiar handwriting. You’d know it anywhere after reading so many letters from him.

“Please enjoy your flight and let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.” You thanked him with another nod, turning the envelope around and tearing it open. The plane prepared to take off as you read.

Mi Abeja,

I know you wanted and paid for a normal flight, but the academy offered to fly you to me privately last second. I was going to ask you if you were okay with it, but you were in class and your phone was off and I had to let them know something before my table read this morning. You work and study so hard and deserve to be pampered so I told them yes. They reimbursed what you paid for your ticket and I’ll give that to you once you get here.

I hope the unexpected change didn’t spike your anxiety too much. I know you’re nervous about this whole thing to begin with and I probably just made it worse. I’m sorry if I did.

 I’ll be there to pick you up as soon as you land at LAX.

Love you,

Pedro. <3 <3 

Your heart soared at his words, leaning back in your seat and looking out of the nearby window just in time to watch the plane lift up from the runway.

________________________

Four hours later, Mr. Clements informed you that you would be landing shortly. Your heart leaped up in your chest as you put your phone back into your backpack and fastened your seat belt.

It had been a few weeks since you’d last seen him and you were nearly vibrating with excitement by the time the wheels touched down on the runway. Mr. Clements offered to take your things again. You still weren’t sure if it was rude to turn him down or not and you didn’t want to ask and risk looking like a moron, so you agreed and handed over your backpack.

The captain opened up the door and exchanged pleasantries with you as you stepped off the plane, but you barely heard her over the pounding of your own heart. As soon as you looked up from the ramp, you saw him. He was there just like he promised he’d be, standing by his car and wearing his favorite pair of sunglasses all while smiling at you with that blinding smile.

Your sneakers barely touched the tarmac before you were sprinting for him. He held out his arms for you and made a small sound when you collided with him, wrapping your arms around his neck and laying your head on his chest. One of his hands caressed the back of your head, holding you to him tightly as the other one held on to your waist.

“I’ve missed you so much, Abeja.” He muttered against the crown of your head. You let go of him long enough to reach up and kiss him, tangling your hand into his dark curls. “Did you have a good flight?” He asked after you pulled away.

“I did. I was a little nervous at first, but I’m okay now.” Pedro gave you a saddened look.

“I’m sorry. I know it was unexpected and didn’t mean to hike you up, I just figured yo-” You put your hand over his mouth.

“It wasn’t your fault, Pedro. I’m just… not used to this… any of it.” He placed a gentle kiss to your fingers, taking your wrist into his hand and gently taking it off of his mouth.

“Please tell me you at least ate something.“ You nodded.

“I ate with Lauren before I left for the airport. She actually invited me to an Oscar watch party this guy named Devon is hosting. I played it cool just like we practiced, but it took everything in me not to freak out.” Pedro giggled, pressing a kiss to your nose.

“Isn’t she in for a surprise?” You barely smiled, nodding gently. You’ve been trying not to think about it, but the idea of you being on display to the entire world made your stomach churn and your knees weak. You were just a first-generation college student from the middle of nowhere, yet here you are in the arms of Pedro Pascal about to walk down the runway of the most prestigious award show in less than 24 hours.

“... Yeah.” You eventually answered. Pedro noticed the change in your demeanor and frowned, placing a kiss on the wrist he was still holding and caressing it gently with his thumb.

“We don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to, you know? We can always go with plan B.” You shook your head vigorously.

“No, no, no! I-I want people to know… I just… all so new.” Pedro smiled at you sympathetically, brushing a stray piece of hair away from your face.

“Just promise you’ll let me know if it ever becomes too much for you. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.” You look up into his mocha gaze, the butterflies in your stomach making you forget about your self-doubt if only for a few seconds.

“I promise.”

________________________

That evening you were curled up with Pedro in the hotel bed, empty take-out containers discarded onto the nearby nightstand as you watched The Shining together. He was fully engrossed in the movie, his fingers idly playing with your hair. You had tried to focus on the movie. You really did, but you’ve seen the damn thing a million times. Laughing at memes on Reddit sounded more appealing so that’s what you were doing.

“You know, I really miss you when you’re not with me.” Pedro said after a while. You looked up from your phone and up at his face.

“I miss you too. Music school sucks and I can’t cuddle Lauren… well, I can but it would be awkward.” Pedro laughed, caressing your cheek with his knuckle.

“Tomorrow, our stylists will be here around noon. I know you’re going to be nervous all day and will probably avoid eating, so I’m going to make sure you get up with me and eat a proper breakfast.” You groaned quietly.

“You won’t let me sleep in? Even on a Saturday?” You fake-pouted. Pedro tapped your nose gently with his finger.

“Not when tomorrow is such an important day. I don’t want you nervous on an empty stomach.” You both went back to what you were doing for a minute.

“You did bring your medication, didn’t you?” You hesitated before nodding.

“Yes.”

“Good. You’ll have something in case it gets too intense. Getting you to take it will be another story, though.” You didn’t say anything, favoring instead to raise up from your reclined position to swing your leg over his waist to straddle him. His hands instantly went to your hips, gently caressing them with his large hands.

“You’re so beautiful, Abeja.” He said after a while of looking you over and running his hands over your body. You smiled at him and leaned down to give him a kiss. It was pretty standard as far as kisses go, but when you pulled away you were both looking at one another with a fiery intent and slowly went back in for another. This one searing and far more passionate.

Pedro groaned deep in his throat as your tongues collide, the kiss deepening far beyond your original intent.

You weren’t complaining.

________________________

Pedro’s alarm going off scared the living hell out of you. You had been awake since 4 am, trying your best to go back to sleep, but it just never happened. When you finally gave up around 6:30, you grabbed your backpack and sat at the desk the hotel provided and did your weekend homework. You hadn’t realized that you were that engrossed in it until his alarm buzzed you out of it.

He groaned quietly and reached over to silence it, rolling back over and reaching out to the other side of the bed looking for you. When he noticed that you were gone, he raised up from the sheets and looked around the room. His hair was an absolute nightmare, sticking up in various directions as he stretched out his back and yawned loudly.

“Thought you wanted to sleep in.” He teased after he found you at the desk.

“You said you were going to wake me up early. Figured I might get some work done.” Concern then donned on his brow.

“Honey, how long have you been up?”

“Not long,” you lie. “I wanted to get some work done so I just got up at my usual time.” Pedro got out of bed and padded over to you, rubbing your shoulders and placing a kiss atop your head.

“You work too hard. You should take a break while you can.” You lolled your head back, Pedro’s hands rubbing your shoulders feeling absolutely amazing.

“I’ll do whatever you say as long as you keep doing that.” He laughed, kissing your cheek and heading to the bathroom.

________________________

You didn’t want to question the professional, you really didn’t. But after the third layer of concealer, you just had to.

“That’s a lot of concealer.” The makeup artist laughed.

“I know, I’m sorry. Use some cream for those bags next time and I promise you won’t need as much.”

You didn’t speak after that, allowing the hair and makeup artist to finish you up while they gossiped back and forth with each other. They made other side comments like that to you here and there. They weren’t necessarily rude so you couldn’t really say anything, but they did little for your already rock-bottom self-esteem.

The artist put a dark shade of lipstick on your lips, making a triumphant noise when she finished.

“Didn’t have the best canvas, but you look fabulous sweetheart! Smile with your mouth closed and you’ll be a knockout!” The makeup artist and hairstylist gathered up their things, leaving you sitting there in your robe staring at the floor and hoping they leave fast.

When they finally left, you got up from the bed and walked over to the full-bodied mirror. You showed your teeth and started looking over them. You never thought they looked too bad. Sure, they were crooked and had some spacing, but they were okay. Braces were expensive and playing a brass instrument with braces is a death sentence for lips.

What if you were wrong about them looking okay all this time? Maybe you should have taken out that loan and a semester off to fix your teeth…

Your stylist came in shortly after. He was quieter than the others had been and much nicer which you were thankful for as you changed into the white dress they had picked for you. When you came out, the stylist smiled and hooped.

“You look gorgeous!” You finished off your look with matching jewelry and a clutch purse, sitting down on the bed to put on your heels.

“It took me forever to find a pair of acceptable wedges for you, sweetheart. I don’t know why you didn’t just tough it out for one night, but hey. I get it. Country girls don’t like heels and that’s okay! It worked out.”

Again, not necessarily rude… but damn.

________________________

You were waiting in the lobby for Pedro to come out, bouncing your leg nervously and trying to remember not to touch your eyes or bite your lip because of the makeup. When you saw him step off the elevator, your breath caught in your throat. His hair was slicked back and his facial hair neatly trimmed, the black velvet suit hugging his broad shoulders perfectly.

“Wow…” He muttered, looking you up and down. “You look absolutely stunning, Abeja.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” You replied, playing with his bow tie.

“Hey, hey, no. Don’t touch it. I don’t know how to tie it back if it comes loose.” You laughed and shook your head.

“Fine… I’ll unwrap my present later.” Pedro’s own breath caught as you winked up at him. He cleared his throat and composed himself, offering you his arm.

“Ready?” You swallowed and nodded, taking his arm for him to escort you.

“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”

________________________

You were in line for the red carpet, the flashing cameras of the paparazzi already blinding and you were still pretty far back. Your stomach churned, a wave of nausea rising up but nothing happening. Pedro took your shaking hand into his and squeezed it gently.

“You okay?” He asked, noticing how tense you were and only grew worse the closer you got.

“... fine.”

“Plan B’s still an option if you need it, Abeja. You have your medicine you can take too.” You shook your head, looking back at him to flash him a smile.

“I’m good.” You could tell that he didn’t buy your bullshit. Not even for a moment. He didn’t say anything, though, opting only to lift your hand and press a kiss to the back of it.

“I’ll be right there beside you the entire time, honey. If at any point you feel uncomfortable or need to leave, you let me know.” You nodded at him, accepting a kiss from him before looking back out the window of the limo.

Your turn came up way sooner than you would have liked, the greeter opening up the limo door as soon as the car stopped and allowing Pedro to step out into the public eye. The photographers went nuts, the flashing lights and screams from fans intimidating you more than you thought they would.

What the fuck were you thinking? You’re just some tired ass music student. You don’t belong here with all these people.

You almost chickened out and stayed in the car but when Pedro turned towards you and offered his hand you took it anyway even though your mind was screaming for you not to. Just the gentle touch of his calloused hand on yours grounded you enough to carefully step out of the limo, making sure that nothing happens to your dress.

You could hear the sounds of the crowd die down for a moment as they all started muttering to themselves. Your hand was shaking in Pedro’s larger one, the photographers gasping as soon as they saw your face. They started taking pictures faster than they ever had. The bombardment of flashing lights blinded you for a moment, but you adjusted to them quickly.

Pedro let go of your hand and put it on your back, gently leading you where you’re supposed to go.

“Okay?” He asked as he wrapped his arm around you and brought you close. You nodded. You weren’t comfortable in the slightest, but it wasn’t the worst thing ever. While both of you posed for pictures, people from the group of photographers said a lot of things to both of you. Some were kind, others were funny and got a good laugh out of you. There were also a few who were very rude, but they had been pushed aside by the others.

Overall, it wasn’t nearly as bad as you were expecting… but you were glad it was over.

________________________

You were standing aside checking your phone while Pedro did an interview with some of the press. He had offered you to be with him, but the red carpet had been more than enough fame for you. Your phone was on “do not disturb” mode, but you could still see all the notifications coming in. Your Mom, Dad, Lauren, and other friends bombarding you with messages basically asking what the fuck. You didn’t have the time to reply, so you didn’t open any of them.

Once Pedro was done with his interviews, he escorted you into the main hall where he introduced you to some of his friends and colleagues along the way. You considered it an honor to meet the people most only ever dreamed of, but you knew you didn’t deserve it. Someone else should be here, not you.

When you found your seats, Pedro offered you his hand. You took it and allowed him to seat you before he took his next to you and wrapped his arm around the back of the seat. The show started shortly after.

________________________

“And the Oscar goes to…” You held onto Pedro’s hand tightly as they opened up the envelope, your shaking hands encased in his. He had told you when he had been nominated that he didn’t expect to win it, but you could tell he had some hope as he tensely watched them read the card.

“Pedro Pascal.” You jumped up with Pedro, hugging him tightly as the audience broke out in cheers.

“You deserve it!” You told him, breaking away to give him a quick kiss. You watched him run up stage and accept the golden statue, walking up to the microphone with a few chuckles as he looked over the award.

“Wow, this is uhhh… this is incredible. Truly amazing.” He started. “I’d like to thank the Academy for this honor, my Mom and Dad who worked hard to raise me right and who supported me. My brother and two sisters for being there for me, mi Abeja for loving me unconditionally, and just… so many others. There are so many people in my life who have helped me get to this milestone and if I were to thank all of you, we’d be here all night. I love you all so very much and this truly… a dream come true. Thank you.

The crowd stands up and cheers loudly. You wanted to, but you were too busy trying to make sure your makeup doesn’t run down your face with a tissue from your clutch. Eventually, you give up trying and decide to go to the bathroom just to make sure everything still looks fine.

Your makeup looked just as flawless as it had before. You wish you would have known that the artist had used waterproof makeup so you could’ve properly celebrated Pedro’s achievement, but oh well. While you were there, you decided to use the bathroom. You didn’t have to go that bad, but might as well take care of it while you’re here.

While you were relieving yourself, you heard two other women come in.

“-ld for her. He needs to settle down with someone like us and around his age. Not some college student.” You froze solid when they realized that they were talking about you.

“I know. She isn’t even that pretty. Did you see her teeth? Do they not have braces where she comes from?”

“For real. Her body’s not that great either. Looks like she comes straight from the shack or something.”

“Wonder if that’s where he found her?” They both giggle.

“Either way, she doesn’t belong here.” You knew they were right, but you just couldn’t bare to listen anymore, pulling your underwear back up and fixing your dress after you flush the toilet.

You then run out of the bathroom, not even looking to see who the women were. It didn’t matter, though. They were right. You should have never came here and you couldn’t stay any longer.

You walked back to your seat and gently tugged on Pedro’s sleeve.

“C-Can we go… Please?” You ask, your voice shaking just as much as your hands. Pedro got up instantly when he saw the look on your face, grabbing his trophy, coat and your clutch. He didn’t ask questions as he placed his hand to the small of your back and began to escort you out of the theater.

By the time you got back into the limo you felt like you couldn’t breathe. The voices around you sounding like water as your vision became black around the edges. Oh God, is this what feels lie to die? You couldn’t die. Not now! You had so much to do, so much t-

Something extremely cold suddenly touched your face, the blackness around your vision fading slightly as you looked up to whoever had put something so damn cold on you.

You were instantly met with the warm eyes of your boyfriend, concern laced on his brow as he gently dabbed a cold washcloth over your face. You could see his mouth moving, but you couldn’t make out what he was saying over the pounding of your heart, but it eventually calmed down enough to where you could begin to hear him.

“There we go, bee… that’s it sweetheart. Nice and easy.” Your breathing slowly calmed down, Pedro cradling you in his arms as your panic attack faded.

“I should have never come here…” You muttered. “I don’t belong here. All these fancy dresses, the flashing cameras, nice cars… I don’t deserve any of this.” Pedro placed a kiss to your forehead.

“Don’t say things like that, Abeja. You deserve this just as much as anyone. And as far as not belonging, trust me when I say I don’t either. And, frankly, I’m fine with that. All of these designer clothes, the mindless gossip, the broken homes, being surrounded by so many but still alone? That’s not really a life worth living. The world of Beautiful People is a lonely life, one that I would rather not live.”

You wasn’t sure what to say, so you just didn’t say anything, curling up as close as you could to him.

He made you take a dose of your anxiety medication when you got back to the hotel, taking it with a swig of water before laying down and curling up close to him. You laid your head on his shoulder, the sounds of his breathing and the gentle feeling of his hand caressing your own shoulder lulling you.

Right before you doze off, you heard him say:

“No matter what any of them has said, you’re perfect the way you are and deserve everything.”

________________________

You wake up the next morning still wrapped up in his arms. You lay there for a while just talking and enjoying one another’s company before he finally got up to use the bathroom.

You reach for your phone on the nightstand, turning off “do not disturb” mode for the first time since yesterday afternoon.

Your phone was overloaded. Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, everywhere was flooded. You didn’t even know where to begin.

Eventually, you just give up trying to put a dent into anything and returned Lauren’s list of missed calls. She answered on the second ring.

“You tell me every little detail, you sneaky bitch. And I mean everything!”

[theyearsiturnedintoaghost]

Hello, Is This Thing On?

Hi! (as mentioned above). Do people still use this thing? I have no idea. Years ago, and I do mean YEARS ago, I had one of these. I didn’t use it for much, just reposting things, following humans I’d met in online communities, a ‘celebrity’ here or there, sometimes screaming about shit I couldn’t control into the void that is the endless scrolling interweb, and being pointless in wasting my time between classes, work, and twenty-something. Regardless, my previous tumblr had minimal followers, made minimal impact, and that was okay. It was honestly just a nice place to sort of hide in plain sight. Still be part of a social world without actually having to do much. This was also pre a billion other apps and social media outlets to express yourself or scroll mindlessly at a million other pointless things that people were posting to make you giggle or even just stop for a second and think.  

Clearly, the point of this, back then, felt like something I would use to help propel my writing career. Turns out, it did not. I did not write much, if at all. And most of the time I think it was because I was scared nothing was as good as any of the other stuff I was reading from people I liked, and thought were so much cooler and smarter than me; I still feel this way all of the time, but I do realize this was me being nervous, small minded about myself, and completely unconfident.  

Unfortunately, I am still most of these things a lot of the time, but recently, after getting fired from a job, having my heart broken by pretty much everyone on the planet, especially a few specific people, cancelled by all of my friends (?) - this is a thing btw. (It’s not as awful as being cancelled publicly, but it does still ruin your life, mindset, confidence, and overall physical and mental wellbeing) Getting a new job, hating it and feeling like I was going no where, and missing out on living a life I felt proud of and that I was actively participating in, I decided maybe I should just try to write it all out and see what happens. 

To be frank, I expect nothing of this. I can’t fathom a world where anything I have to say truly matters to people because lets be real - everyone has this own shit and everyone is going through so much all of the time.  And we all think we have something new, quirky, interesting, and important to say.  And in a world that constantly shoves perfection down our throats and works so hard to make each of us feel completely inadequate to every Kardashian, Beyonce, Grande, etc., it’s hard to really think that anything I have to say will matter to anyone; at all. 

(I also hate that all of my ‘perfectionist’ people were female, but maybe it’s harder to compare to Golden Boys when you are a female. Either way, there are many boys/men/theys/thems that are put on a pedestal and made out to be perfect out there, as well, and they deserve that notation as well. I just have no points of reference off the top of my head, so please forgive me; I am trying to do this in a stream of consciousness type thing.)

I mean, the truth is, I’m a fucking mess. I’m 33, single, living at home, afraid of my own shadow most of the time, and spend about 98% of my time alone. I pay for a phone plan that I literally only use to send memes to my two sisters, and that’s about it. I rarely receive texts, invites out, or even calls to make plans for something.  And while a lot of this is my own doing - again, I did cut off most of the world after I realized I was sort of the joke to a lot of people - it’s still kind of pathetic, and entirely uncool.  I am not a socialite, or someone cool and trendy, and to be honest, I kind of never want to be.  

Which is a semi-false statement, because years ago, when I had one of these previously, I sort of hoped it would work out and that I could write and be ‘cool.’ Whatever the fuck that means.  But now, years later, I’m honestly beyond glad I am not cool; not in the slightest. Maybe that’s making it to your 30s? Maybe the trade for having to create a daily routine of lathering up my body with like 9 different versions of FDA-Approved-Vampire-Juice on my skin to prevent me from looking any older than I already do, you in turn get to have a brain that finally realizes... having a ‘normal’ life is honestly pretty cool? Normal is clearly subjective here as everyone is normal, famous, notoriety, or not; They’re all still humans and people with feelings, thoughts, and emotions. This is a hard thing to realize when you see stadiums full of people screaming at Harry Styles (Boom! found a male perfect in this scatterbrain) or hundreds of paparazzi lined up to take photos of every person on a red carpet wearing clothing that costs as much as my student loan debt (Which sidenote, is VERYYYYYY much). It’s hard to fully realize that maybe some of those people who became ‘icons’ never really knew what they were getting into when they signed that deal with the Devil to make them seemingly immortal; especially in a world with the internet where everything can exist forever (or until the world explodes, clearly).  But maybe getting into my 30s and removing myself from most social media outlets, even listening to the news, or caring about whatever fucking popular haircut was in this season (it’s always bangs, and I’ve already made that mistake. No thanks), that I learned to realize - the truly most important people in your life are the ones that stick with you when it’s tough. When getting out of bed is so hard your limbs ache and you cry every morning on your way to work, at your desk behind your computer screen hidden in a corner, or in a bathroom stall during your lunch break. The normalcy that comes with realizing your prayers to ‘just make it to five o’clock,’ are heard and that you are just so thankful for that that you don’t even desire the innate feeling in most of our egos to stand out, be seen, ‘Make it’ in a way that lets people notice we ‘succeeded.’ Maybe this only comes with the realization of how nice it is to go to a grocery store braless and unnoticed. 

Maybe this is also something I, and so many of us in this point and shoot viral world, are trying to still learn. 

Sure, a lot of days I still crave being able to make a perfect Pintrest project, practice my Late Night interview with Letterman where I sound funny, charming, and likeable to all walks of life, or recreate a recipe from the New York Times website so great that The Barefoot Contessa finds out through word of mouth, and comes to my basement hide out, and offers to give me, a fellow barefoot loving bitch, her title and crown along with a glass of wine and a kiss from her husband, Jeffery. We’ll both laugh at how lovely it feels to be Barefoot ladies who understand that wanting ‘fame’ or ‘recognition’ in your twenties is only really a pathway to destruction by your 30s. 

And this is not exactly something that I learned easy.  In fact, I spent most of my twenties destroying my body with drugs - plenty of hard ones - and alcohol - various kinds of the same things - in order to numb my brain from the sadness that is just... being young, lonely, scared, unsure of yourself, and nervous that all of your hopes and expectations for yourself in your ‘dream life’ are too much for what you and your actual self will ever be capable of ever becoming. That I would never become the comedian I dreamed of being, or sing the perfect song in front of a crowd of admirers, or write that best selling book to tell everyone who thought I was nothing they could go fuck themselves. It’s something I still have to remind myself, and my brain and ego, that are most likely things I will never do because those are lottery dreams.  And people you know don’t actually win the lottery. And at the end of the day, I am people you know. And sometimes it breaks my own heart to realize I may never feel that rush of making a crowd laugh, or creating a piece of art that makes someone feel seen, but as Pam, from The Office said, and I am paraphrasing, ‘there is beauty in ordinary things.’ And I think reminding myself of that as I sat on the beach this summer and watched a dad teach his son to surf, and how happy they both were when he got up, gave me that brief feeling of... being okay. I won’t lie, I did cry a little at this realization at that moment, and I am slightly teary now as I write it, but I think I’m not ashamed of that because being normal means I get to feel things as I do, in that moment, and that is something I think I lacked in my desiring-bigger-flashier- twenties; actually being present in the world and your place in it. Even if that is just as small as being kind to a random person on the street.

I think that is why everything I felt I wanted to write never came out correct.  It never came out ‘Perfect.’ And that was my problem for most of my life, even up until today, I’m afraid that I am a perfectionist in the ways that are preventing me from becoming... me. I’m still fearful that I am too late in ever ‘accomplishing’ anything I ever dreamed. I doubt I will ever actually write a book. I’m unsure I’ll ever make a decent living. I am beyond doubtful I am ever going to be loveable to someone whom I also want to love back. And maybe I’m a little scared that I’ll never have a kid, or that if I do have a kid, I’ll never be a decent parent. And I’m still working on breaking the cycle of thinking something has to ‘sound’ or ‘be seen as important’ to be meaningful. There is beauty in the ordinary. I’ve started to make it my mantra. Spoken in my head every time I see a teenage couple holding hands walking in town, a father holding their baby close to his chest, a woman dressed in a power suit striding through an office building or city on their way to make their own careers or push equality further. I’ve started to dream of how actual normalcy makes the real changes. How every 4th grade teacher has a chance to change some kids life.

Clearly, a lot of these personal fears I have about myself not being ‘enough,’ or doing something good enough to become successful at it and build a life out of it, are monotonous fears and privileged middle-class complaints. I’m aware they may not resonate with anyone, anything, or mean much more than just being an online public diary entry to my own meandering thoughts, but, still - I finally felt like I had to try.  

So here it is, the whole truth on how I let myself become a ghost for years. 

I hope someone will stick around while I just... try to explain it all, figure it all out, and hopefully make sense out of even being whatever a human who is hoping to grow even means. Hopefully, something here will resonate with someone else and we can create our own little weirdo corner of the world where we’re not seeking more than just trying to be honest with ourselves and what it means to be human.  Even if that means just posting a recipe for banana bread (thank you Gwen Steffani for keeping me able to spell Banana), reposting random memes about how we all want to scream for 30 seconds and feel better, or sad-girl diary entry posts about how I ruined my own life a million times over.  Oh, and maybe I’ll give you tips on how to stain your wood deck, because I spent my day doing that yesterday and basically, Home Depot is calling me to be in their ADs. 

But at the core of it all, lets be very real, it’s hard to be human in so many ways. And I’m just hoping this connects with anyone. Especially any of us who wished we were different - in any way.

xoxo

-K

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #153

“i may be easy - easy to hate, but you’re so fucking easy, easy to break.”

Do you think age matters in friendship?  Nah.  One of my closest friends is in his 30s.  Now of course I believe a parent should monitor a friendship of a minor and adult, but, I still believe friendship is certainly possible. What was the last essay/assignment you wrote about?  It was only the rough draft, but I helped Colleen with her assessment of "Female" by Keith Urban. When do you usually put your Christmas decorations up?  Usually start in early December. Are you more likely to eat when you’re bored or depressed?  When I'm bored, I'd say.  When I'm depressed, I'm more keen on sleeping.  I've gotten better about not eating when I'm bored, thankfully. Do you have a case/cover for your phone? Describe it.  No, I want one tho. Do you take good care of your skin?  I've been making a decent effort lately.  I HATE the bumps I have on my arms from dry skin, so I've been moisturizing them as well as my face. What was your dream job when you were a kid?  Paleontologist.  I would still pursue it if I wasn't turned off by a career with loads of travel, nor do I think I have the patience to obtain a PhD. Is there any music you listen to that was influenced by your parents?  Oh yeah, Mom especially.  She's all about heavy metal, especially the classics.  Dad too, but I'd say he's more hard rock. Do you use tampons or pads? Or both?  Tampons, pads gross me out afsdjafjw.  I started with them though. Is your internet wireless or do you need a cable?  Wireless. What is something you’re behind the times on?  Ummm idk. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction?  No. What color are your glasses, if applicable?  Black. List a great $1 store find:  Idk. List a great garage sale find:  *shrugs* Who is one YouTuber you would like to meet?  m a r k Do you have your own website?  I have my own photography one. Do you like candy corn?  Omg demons stay back. Were you happy as a kid?  Yep. What is your favorite Queen song?  If your answer isn't "Bohemian Rhapsody," I don't want you in my life. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Why?  Colleen, 'cuz I was kicking her out of my life and know that woman too well that she would try sending me a novel of hate, and I wasn't having it.  Turns out she shared our drama over Facebook afterwards to make me the bad guy, and I still have trouble believing I forgave something that petty.  She apologized for it, eh. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?  The old woman my mom had watched.  I knew enough about her to know she was a super sweet woman, so I barely held it together in there.  She died the very next morning. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?  Ha, no.  He doesn't deserve my friendship. You never know what you have until you’ve lost it, true or false?  Nah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done?  I dunno, possibly something sexual. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language?  Back in high school when I was doing a German test over the phone. Have you ever successfully broken a bad habit? How about conquered a fear of something?  Omg, so I had this habit of when I was thinking deeply or nervous, I would pull my eyebrows out.  It got to the point it would sometimes look like I almost had none.  Super embarrassing, especially because I did this a lot in school.  As for a fear, it was never a big one, but going to see Sara broke my mild fear of flying.  I like it now. Have you ever read a whole series of books?  Yes. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up?   For when I finish college, I'm probably just picking up my diploma. Have you ever tried to break a Guinness World Record?  No. Do you know how to read music?  I recall some notes. Do you own any shirts that have a year on it?  Ha ha, I got that "I was there" shirt for the Back to the Future date. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone?  No. Is your skin tone lighter or darker than your mom’s?  Lighter. Have you ever done another person’s make-up?  I gave Jason a makeover. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Honestly still hope I have that picture somewhere.  Regardless of what happened, that is damn good memory, he hated it so much. Is anyone saved in your phone under a nickname?  Sara, Ashley, Nicole, and Mom. When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin?  'Bout two weeks back to get my tongue pierced. Who is the youngest gay person you know?  Dunno. Have you ever watched an animal being eaten by another animal?  Yeah, our old cats with mice 'n such. Do you get along with people who are especially religious? Why/why not?  If you don't push it on me, certainly.  Respect my theism, I'll respect your whatever. Do you have any interesting pillow cases?  No. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees?  Well, there's too much variety in this question.  I'll fear a wolf spider more than a bumblebee, but a hornet more than daddy long leg. Has your best friend ever seen you naked?  No. Do you get mad when your current bf/gf talks about an ex?  Not at all. Do you know anybody who was abused?  Yes. Would you prefer a baby boy or girl?  If I was to have kids, y'know, I don't know.  Perhaps a girl, but I know boys are generally easier, and feeling the bond between a mother and her son would be amazing.  I'unno. When did you last feel like your privacy was invaded?  I'm not sure. Do your parents volunteer anywhere?  No. If you were a different religion from your current one, what would it be? Why?  Wiccan, because their beliefs (that I know of) are interesting. Have you ever had your phone taken away at school?  No. How old were you the first time you dyed your hair?  Idk.  I think first year of high school; I don't believe dyed hair was allowed in middle. Do you talk the same way you do in person as you do online?  For the most part. How would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile?  I'd be like, irrationally happy.  I don't want kids, and I have a considerably large fear of being raped and thus get pregnant, so. Do you get along with your best friend’s parents?  Her mom's a bitch, and her dad's... different. Have you ever been in a relationship where you didn’t get along with the person’s parents?  No. How many people of the opposite sex have you said ‘I love you’ to?  One, romantically. Do you put marshmallows in your hot chocolate?  No. What is the best thing you can draw?  Meerkats are like the only thing I can draw decently without a reference. What band did you see for your first concert?  Alice Cooper. Do you think people with legitimate addictions are pathetic, or do you understand them?  Oh fuck off.  I obviously can't "understand" because I've never endured one, but addictions are serious.  Addiction is not a choice, and from meeting so many druggies during my psych hospital visits as well as having a friend who got clean, it's fucking hard. Has anyone you know ever had serious surgery before?  Yeah, Mom had kidney cancer.  The tumor was bigger than the kidney itself. When was the last time you had butterflies?  When Sara was here, we had these few moments where we were just staring at each other smiling and asjdfawjij. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross?  I don't like it. Do you own a pet fish? What kind of fish are they?  No. Do you have a porch swing?  No. How many area codes would you recognize?  My own and childhood town's. Who has the best taste in music in your family?  Besides myself obviously, Mom. What animal did you last pet or hold?  My cat. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have?  Maybe like.  Dakota.  Probs my favorite unisex name. If you had to have one feature on your body changed to a canine version of said feature, what would you choose?  Gimme dem teefs. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced?  Some fast food, QUALITY MAKEUP, gas, uhhhh. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart?  Six, or seven if you count my dog.  Maybe forgetting some. Shot of whiskey, or a bottle of Smirnoff?  The latter, I love Smirnoff's. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater?  No. Would you ever scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? In a cage, sure.  Otherwise, no.  Sharks are very much villainized, but I respect their capabilities, rare as an attack is. Have you ever hit a parked car with your car?  Not yet, boy will I when I learn how to park around others lmao. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? Hmmm, not sure. How many times have you been on a plane?  Four times that I remember, but I was on one as a baby, too. What do you wish were different about your hair?  I wish it was eASIER TO DYE- What’s a personality type that you do not like? Overly talkative is draining for me.  I also dislike the kinds of people who aim to make every "conversation" almost exclusively about themselves/leave no room for you to really express your own thoughts.  That's not a convo. What’s a personality type that you do like? Deep thinkers.  Those open to many possibilities, even if wild.  Nature-adoring people and/or ones who feel heavily connected to the earth. Which of your friends is the least like you and in what way? Colleen.  My best friend somehow, ha ha.  She's extremely straightforward and isn't afraid to hurt feelings if she feels it's important for you to see truth, she gets shit done quick/doesn't procrastinate, she can be quite argumentative, she's completely independent, our religious and some political views are different, our music taste is totally inverted, and I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting.  We're a prime example of opposites attract.  Love her to death. How about the most like you and in what way? Sara, and I could write a novel here lmao.  Separated at birth kinda shit. What’s something you do daily and is this a habit of yours? Sit on the computer, and yeeaah it's just about all I do. What was the last thing to frustrate you and is it still frustrating you now?  Hm.  Dunno.  Probably something like Roman being so intent on lying on the keyboard. What helps you fall asleep? Nothing lol. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason?  Anti-depressants.  Learned from my current psychiatrist that taking them only amps up bipolarity symptoms if you have that as well, which I do. Do you like designer bags with the logo stamped all over them?  No. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you?  Native American. If you had to choose to have a different accent than the one you have now, what accent would you choose and why?  British, 'cuz it's hot. Have you ever missed a flight?  Omg yes.  O'Hare after visiting Sara was absolutely impossible.  It was so.  Busy.  That and I didn't know what I was doing through half of it. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do?  "The" ex would lose his balls, the others I'd push back. Are you a virgin?  P sure no but my story is complicated so aojsdfaow. What is one feature that you don’t like?  I'm guessing you mean on myself personally, and that would easily be weight.  I'd be relatively fine with myself if that was where I want it to be. What’s the genre of the current song you’re listening to?  Metal ballad. What would you do if you were stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean?  I don't really know.  A part of me says I'd be so hopeless and terrified I'd drown myself.  The odds of being found are minuscule. Who is the funniest person you know?  Girt. When sitting on the floor, in what position do you normally sit?  Kinda with my legs turned to the same side. Do you like being kissed spontaneously or asked?  Spontaneously is way less awkward for me.  But only if you're pretty sure through my display of comfort that I'm fine with it. Have you ever tried to break someone up?  I thought about it out of spite.  I considered messaging her over Facebook and telling her what she was in for, and I wished her dead, and I'm not joking.  Turns out he broke up with her for the same reason as me, according to Mom being a FB stalker apparently. Are you a bad influence?  I am in some areas.  Shouldn't be even remotely lazy as me, and you shouldn't illegally download shit. Would you ever get a tattoo?  I already have five, and six is probably coming next year with holiday + birthday money. Do you get nervous before going to doctor appointments?  Not really, no.  The only thing that makes me anxious is having to get weighed lmao. Do you call anyone "baby?"  Sara, but more frequently "babygirl." What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving?  Off the top of my head, I think A Raisin in the Sun. Do you have any close friends that were adopted?  No. What time do you usually have a shower?  Night. What do you want to do after high school? I immediately went to a community college but dropped out in like a month.  My depression was so bad and I just couldn't handle the difficulty, responsibility, and independence leap. Do you know anybody that is pregnant right now? Not off the top of my head.  My acquaintance had a baby girl less than a week ago, though.

[kxlebcross]

multiples of three, please.

oh man i cant believe ur making me do maths at 4:18 am... but here goes nothing! (it’s gonna be long so i put it under a read more)

3. Ever done any drugs? uhhhh... yeah, for a short period yrs ago i had a friend group and with them we smoked weed pretty much every weekend... they did some hard drugs too but i never dared trying those cuz im a lil bitch lmao aaaaand i don’t do that anymore, it’s an expensive hobby to have and i usually waste my drugs money on pc games and ordering food srgsdfg

6. Describe your dream home. probs somewhere in a big city, close to the center because i love being a big city kid.... a mid-sized flat with lots of plants and those neat cat playgrounds mounted on the wall because i plan on having at least 4 cats in the future asdsd and i’d love to have a bigger balcony which i could transform into a little jungle and hand a hammock there and just chill and listen to the city’s noises at night when i can’t sleep

9. Do you watch porn? you may not believe but i actually don’t sdgsdfg the horny teen phase is over for me, if i wanna interact with anything pornographic i just read fanfiction dfgsdfgsf

12. What’s one of your fantasies? i hope it’s not supposed to be an erotic one lmao but i really wanna go on a road trip through europe, just pack up my shit and drive around, also i wanna visit haunted places all around england and get into the gaming business as a game translator/tester eventually

15. Are you in a relationship? thank god not anymore... and honestly i don’t miss it anymore, all of my previous ones were disasters and ended in a really ugly manner so.. no, i’m all good with my cat

18. What tattoos do you want? i don’t have specific plans for motives - though i’d really like a kitsune mask somewhere and a moon and one song quote. i’d like to have my whole left sleeve done, maybe part of my back, a half sleeve on my right hand and something smaller on my ankle - and i’m actually open to anything the tattooists would pick out; i care more about who’s gonna create my tattoo than what’s it gonna be, as my actually existing 2 tattoos r also premade, randomly picked out ones (though they accidentally matched up in some way and look pretty neat imo)

21. Describe your best friend. that’s a hard one.... i don’t think i have one anymore. i used to have this girl in my life, M, who i was really close to, but we had a fallout in october and she never came around to fix this even though i was open to the idea... so i lost my best friend, which is kinda sad considering that she was the only person i could open up to in the last 3 yrs. but hey that happens! i moved on and have a close friend still so im all good.

24. What are three places you want to travel? i really wanna visit scotland! it has this specific atmosphere i really long to experience, and i wanna see the landmarks and grassy fields and loch ness and haunted places and just roam around there for a while. i also wanna see moscow - it’s been sort of an obsession of mine since reading glukhovsky’s metro series, and also it’s a beautiful city worth visiting. i’d also like to get on the trans-siberian express but that’s not a specific place dsfsgdf the last place would be the aokigahara forest in japan - also one of the places i feel drawn to for ages now. found out about it years ago and since it’s been sort of a plan of mine to visit one time. if i manage to graduate university my mum promised to send me on a trip to japan - so if it works out, ill be on my way there baby! (i just need to work on my language skills first sasdfgf)

27. What’s your pet peeve? loud breathing, loud chewing... generally people being loud and annoying. ppl not covering their mouths while coughing. ppl who walk super slowly and take up all of the walkway like FUCK OFF OF MY WAY GODDAMMIT. in games when the npc walks a lot slower than ur running, but walking a lot faster than ur walking so its impossible to keep up with them. ppl not using headphones in public spaces. old ppl demanding respect when they treat u like shit. ppl forcing their religion on u (im looking at u auntie). ppl slurping their drinks. couples almost f*cking each other in public places... just get a room smh

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message. oh i don’t need to tag them cuz i already got over that shyness and they totes know already that i wanted to talk to them for a while! (i admitted to it in the tackiest, cheesiest, most awkward anon ask i ever sent in to anyone sdfgsdf)

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? pretty much the same as now, all black and flannels and jeans, cuz i rly thing that major clothes shopping sprees r a waste of money sdfdf but i’d probably own a lot lot more shoes like custom made cat patterned vans and some more nikes and some creepers cuz i wanted to get some of those for like yrs now dfgdfg

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? uhhhh... kind of? not romantic ones tho, i just miss the long talks and the trust and understanding between us. i never got the closure i needed to move on and it still left some bad feelings towards her so its a weird mix of resentment and sympathy, and i try to not think abt it too much.

39. Are you a virgin? hahahahahahahahah, no, really. 

42. Describe the hottest person you know. the hottest person i personally know is one of the ppl i used to be on my universitys e-sport team on with dfasd i always had a weak spot for ppl taller than me and hes literally model material with nice cheekbones and the perfect jawline and the best sense of humor ever. though he’s a widowmaker main in overwatch and thats a big big minus for him :(

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on? lmaooooo thats a funny one listen up... so i was fresh out of breakup and wanted to make some friends.... wait for it.... ON TINDER. i live in an university town so i was like kewl imma make some ppl my age (until then all of my friends were A LOT older than me) and have some friends and if romance happens then it happens, w/e. so i set up this bar night with this one guy, i believe his name was David? so David and i meet up for drinks, i grab a gintonic and we sit down to talk... what he never knew abt me is that i am on the adhd spectrum and i have to get my hands busy with smth so i can focus on what im saying otherwise my thoughs r all over the place. so im casually keeping my hands busy with just spinning my locked phone there and back, or just  messing around with the lime slice on my glass and at a random moment David goes like “u know.... i hate when ppl cant stop messing around with their phone” and im like ????? dude im literally just spinning it, not even messaging anyone or unlocking it or shit. and he goes on this rant that he always expects ppl to pay full attention to him when talking, looking at him (i never look ppl in the eyes cuz i tend to just go into panic mode from long eye contact and also i think its creepy to just stare at someone constantly) and just not doing anything else except paying attention to him so i go on explaining to him that i need to keep myself busy and im not doing it to annoy him - but he keeps on insisting so i excuse myself to a cigarette (he also hated smokers lmao) and call the widowmaker main friend from the previous question and am like “hey man i have the worst date of my life can u be at this place in 40 minutes and then we hit the night life” and hes like fine so i go back to David and tell him “sorry mate i just remembered i have my last bus home in 30 minutes and the next one is in 1,5 hrs and i really cant stay out that late so can we wrap this up and schedule an other meeting some other time” and hes like fine... got me to the bus stop, i sat on the bus.... got off at the next bus stop, met up with widowmaker main guy and went out for drinks and decided to never go on tinder dates again sdfgsdfg

48. Describe your ideal partner. thats a hard one, hey! but i dont think i have an ideal, guess ill work with anyone whos a decent human being who wont require me to be the housemaid and cook and clean and do everything for them. oh and they totally need to know how to use a washing machine... one of my exes was incapable of this (and here i was thinking that in 2018 ppl saw a washing machine already... looks like i was wrong and im still not over that incident 2 yrs ago). oh and they gotta be fine with the idea of never having kids cuz theres no way im putting myself through raising one of those, im a man of career and money, totally not responsible enough to raise another living human being sdsdgdf

[eeveesanddragons]

1 - 150

Bitch I see you (I love you - please keep getting me to do these because it’s fun)

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Either the same person who is the anon that asked this or someone at the NaNoWriMo event today (I actually really like holding other peoples hands it’s fun, cute and platonic)2. Are you outgoing or shy? A bit of both - shy when I’m around people I don’t know/aren’t comfortable with and outgoing with people I know. It also depends on my mood3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? MY NANO FRIENDS BECAUSE I DON’T GET TO SEE MOST OF THEM EXCEPT IN NOVEMBER I LOVE THEM4. Are you easy to get along with? I would hope so5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I like a lot of people (platonically, not romantically) so I would hope so6. What kind of people are you attracted to? I actually can’t pinpoint a specific thing about people I’m attracted to, but they’re all generally attractive to me and decent human beings7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I don’t think so but a girl can hope, right?8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? The male character whose intro short story I’m writing at the moment9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Yeah (sometimes)10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Oh god, I have deep conversations with people every five minutes - probably a family friend last night about sexuality (I’ve come out to four people in as many days and it feels so good)11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Bacon, Croissants, Hash Browns, Ice Cream, 2x Apple Danishes, Marshmallows” - I was sending a shopping list to my Mum from my brother12. What are your 5 favourite songs right now? ‘Yet Another Dig’ by Bob the Drag Queen ft. Alaska - ‘Candy Store’ from Heathers - ‘Animus Vox’ by The Glitch Mob - I can’t think of two more13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? I would say yes14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Sometimes15. What good thing happened this summer? Man we’re just coming out of Winter. Going into Summer I can already pinpoint one thing that’ll be good - taking my dog down to the beach and seeing Jinkx Monsoon live16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I haven’t kissed anyone17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Abso-bloody-lutely18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Lol no he’s a dweeb19. Do you like bubble baths? HELL YEAH20. Do you like your neighbours? I guess? I don’t talk to them much but they’re nice people21. What are you bad habits? I chew on the skin around my fingers, I sometimes sleep until 3pm, and I drink too much soft drink22. Where would you like to travel? Fucking everywhere I can (Russia, UK, New Zealand -again- Canada, Europe, Asia, Africa, North and South America, everywhere I can)23. Do you have trust issues? I don’t think so24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Getting into bed after a long day OR using micellar water on my face before bed25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin?26. What do you do when you wake up? Lay in bed for a while thinking about things I should do that day then feed my dog27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Less pink - I’m pale as shit and my skin goes pink so easily. I wouldn’t change the complexion but if I could stop myself from burning or turning pink I’d be great28. Who are you most comfortable around? My sister and my mum probably29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Nope30. Do you ever want to get married? I think so31. If your hair long enough for a ponytail? YES and I often accidentally hit myself in the face with it32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I wouldn’t (have a conversation with two people though? Cate Blanchett and Chris Hemsworth33. Spell your name with your chin. M easghahn34. Do you play sports? What sports? I don’t do sports anymore (I really want to get back into some though) BUT I used to play Netball, Softball, Basketball (for like six months), I did swimming, dancing, callisthenics, athletics. I’m generally pretty good at most sports35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. I could survive with just music so long as I still had books36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Oh yeah37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing or I change the topic or put on music38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Challenges and encourages me to do things and pushes me to keep working towards goals, has a dog, is cute, will let me hold their hand for as long as I want, recognises the signs for when I need me time, is good at doing hair and makeup39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I would say bookstores but lately I really really shoe and makeup shopping40. What do you want to do after high school? Did* travel or go to uni and do a teaching course. I travelled and I realised I didn’t want to go straight to Uni (I do want to do it later on though)41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? That’s a bit of a trick question. Second chance to be a better human/fix mistakes? YES. A second chance but use it to be the same shitty abusive human? FUCK NO42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Either I’m thinking, listening, or have nothing to say, or I’m just trying to keep it together until I can be alone for a bit and recoup43. Do you smile at strangers? I do 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? SPACE BITCH I fucking love space I want to meet aliens45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My dog usually46. What are you paranoid about? Most things47. Have you ever been high? No (sometimes I wish I was less hung up about it though and would actually do it once)48. Have you ever been drunk? Nope - I’ve had a lot to drink at points but I’ve never actually been drunk49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? No and if I did I wouldn’t post it here?50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Grey51. Ever wished you were someone else? Sometimes - but a more put together, productive, less anxious version of me52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My productiveness53. Favourite makeup brand? I’ll say MAC because my favourite lipstick is a MAC lipstick54. Favourite store? Any store I don’t work at55. Favourite blog? PaperFury56. Favourite colour? Green and Purple57. Favourite food? Nutella and Strawberries58. Last thing you ate? Pizza (and Nutella and Strawberries for dessert)59. First thing you ate this morning? Hashbrowns and croissants60. Ever won a competition? For what? A few - I won a footy jersey, a netball comp, a writing competition61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Nope62. Been arrested? For what? Nope63. Ever been in love? Nah64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I mentioned (at 17) that I’d never been kissed and I was at a public pool with friends and a friend said “well we should do something about that” and grabbed me and kissed me - it was pretty cool65. Are you hungry right now? No66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? The only people I interact with regularly on Tumblr are people I’m friends with IRL so !?!!??67. Facebook or Twitter? RIght now? Twitter - because people on my facebook are shitty and I keep seeing stuff related to the fucking postal survey68. Twitter or Tumblr? Both69. Are you watching tv right now? Rupauls Drag Race AS2 finale (I put the marathon on pause for NaNoWriMo)70. Names of your bestfriends? Sammy, Katrina, Hannah, Joanne (I hardly seem them because we’re all super busy but I could message any of them and they’d usually be down with doing something fun and we’re supportive of each other)71. Craving something? What? Nothing atm72. What colour are your towels? Purple72. How many pillows do you sleep with? One but sometimes I use smaller pillows/cushions for my wrists if my tendonitis is flaring up73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I used to74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Maybe three75. Favourite animal? My dog, but also horses and foxes76. What colour is your underwear? Black77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? GOLDEN GAYTIME79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Grey80. What colour pants? Blue81. Favourite tv show? I don’t know?!?!?82. Favourite movie? Legally Blonde hands down but also Thor Ragnarok83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls 184. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Janice86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? DORY87. First person you talked to today? My brother about getting him to feed my dog (but I talked to my dog first because she slept on my bed)88. Last person you talked to today? NaNo people89. Name a person you hate? Tr*mp90. Name a person you love? My Mum91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Not really92. In a fight with someone? If I am I’m unaware of it93. How many sweatpants do you have? Uhhh maybe one pair that doesn’t fit because they’ve been in my drawers since I was 13 and haven’t thrown them out for whatever goddamn reason?94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Like 20 (more like 10)95. Last movie you watched? Thor Ragnarok 96. Favourite actress? Right now it’s Tessa Thompson97. Favourite actor? Why are these gendered GDI use Actor for everyone. But right now it’s Tom Hiddleston, Cate Blanchett, Kaitlyn Alexander98. Do you tan a lot? I don’t tan even a little I’m pale af99. Have any pets? A DOG AND I LOVE HER SO DAMN MUCH SHE’S SO CUTE (follow her on instagram @ziva_the_lamington) 100. How are you feeling? Tired, a little socially drained after today, but good101. Do you type fast? Most of the time102. Do you regret anything from your past? All the times I was being a shitty kid doing dumb shit103. Can you spell well? Yaeh maet 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? No105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I don’t think so107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes! I did horse riding for a year108. What should you be doing? Writing my novel because I’m behind in my NaNo word count (someone prod me to write)109. Is something irritating you right now? Yeah - me not being as productive as I should be and not going to see various doctors about my shoulder/eyes/mental health110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Once111. Do you have trust issues? Already asked this, no112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mum113. What was your childhood nickname? Megslegs114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? All the time and whenever I can115. Do you play the Wii? I used to have one but it’s super old so not anymore116. Are you listening to music right now? I’m listening to movie soundtracks117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? I do118. Do you like Chinese food? Yes119. Favourite book? Gentlemans Guide to Vice and Virtue or Gathering of Shadows120. Are you afraid of the dark? No121. Are you mean? I hope not122. Is cheating ever okay? “act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage” NO123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Not for long, but I try to124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No? I guess I think love develops as you form a bond with a person125. Do you believe in true love? Yes126. Are you currently bored? Bored? No, tired of the state of non-productiveness? Yes127. What makes you happy? Hiking, my dog, friends, family128. Would you change your name? No, i like it129. What your zodiac sign? Virgo130. Do you like subway? I guess so131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Cool, lets date and see where we go132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Family friend133. Favourite lyrics right now? “Never going to give you up” (If you’re still reading this I commend you)134. Can you count to one million? Lol who has the time135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I’m straight (I’m obviously not)136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed137. How tall are you? Like 5″11/6″0138. Curly or Straight hair? Curly139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette140. Summer or Winter? Autumn/Spring 141. Night or Day? Daytime/evenings142. Favourite month? August or March143. Are you a vegetarian? No but I have thought about going veg144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk and dark145. Tea or Coffee? Tea146. Was today a good day? It really was147. Mars or Snickers? Mars148. What’s your favourite quote? “Per Aspera Ad Astra” “As Travars” “Nevertheles, She Persisted”149. Do you believe in ghosts? Sure why not150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Aled said nothing, he just started to grin” - Radio Silence

[notesfromthepen]

The Chronicles of the king of Richmond

I came across some shit today that I had to share. Something too funny, dark, and ridiculous to keep to myself. But I had to figure out a way to first, get my hands on the material, and then how to give the context needed for it to be fully appreciated.

First I should start with the characters involved. We are a trio. Me, Joe, and the 'king'. I'll refer to him as the 'king' (with a lowercase 'k') because he wanted to remain anonymous, for several reasons, that should become clear later. 

Joe is, by far, my best friend in here and we've been pretty much inseparable for years now, (we were bunkies twice at another facility). Some of you may have read previous posts about him. We are very different people, which is often the case with really good friends. But there is no doubt that our bond is, almost entirely, built on our shared sense of humor. A sarcastic, brutally honest, self deprecating, anything for a laugh, sense of humor. 

A sense of humor developed since childhood surrounded by witty, smart-assed, assholish mentors and peers. It can be a harsh environment to grow up in, but there is a purity to be found there. An accountability and brutal honesty that is humbling and real. There are no aires allowed to survive amongst friends with no fear of giving offense. No bullshit is left uncalled, no lies left un-confronted, and no opinions restrained. Nothing is sacred and everything is mined for a laugh. 

Basically we talk a lot of shit.

Nothing bonds me to another person more instantly than a similar sense of humor. Since coming to this new prison Joe and I have found a fellow, flawed, degenerate asshole, willing to laugh at himself and judge others for the sake humor. 

This, is the so called 'king of Richmond.' His majesty is a large guy, about 6'1 and 240 lbs. of slightly chubby, bearded, man beef. He's well kept and neat in appearance (aside from his portly build). He's got some charisma and charm at his disposal and makes decent use of it when needed.

The king, however, has a glaring flaw, as do most of us. He's a raging addict, whose life is lived for, and run by, an incessant need for opiates. This adds an interesting but constantly problematic dimension to his life behind bars. The perpetual need to produce the money for his lifestyle is a constant story line. Most of his fundraising is done over the phone. Preferably through manipulation, but he's not above blatant begging from people in the free-world. Family members, friends, exes, and a sugar momma round out his fundraising Rolodex. 

A few days ago, Joe borrowed his Majesty's tablet to listen to his music, and being the stand up friends we are, we wasted no time before invading his privacy. We opened his 'sent email' files and struck gold. Dark, hilarious, sad, revealing gold. What we found was email after email of mental and emotional manipulation in a quest to fund his lifestyle. That's the sad part. The hilarious part is witnessing the level of shameless groveling, damage control, and clumsy begging, our friend is willing to stoop to. 

After an intervention filled with embarrassment, ridicule, and some tear inducing laughs from all parties, I gained the 'kings' permission to post some of the gems. 

But first a disclaimer: If any form of self-respect or sense of shame is something you're expecting, then prepare yourself, because you will find neither in these emails. Also, I wanted to maintain the "purity" of the emails as they were originally written, so I left the misspellings and incorrect grammar. However, for the sake of read-ability, I added some commas and periods here and there. Other than that they are all original text, with the exception of my commentary, which will be in [brackets].

So without further adieu, I now present to you: The Chronicles Of The king Of Richmond.

Sugar Momma

The following correspondence was sent to the kings sugar momma. As her title would imply she is his main source of income. His "Go-To". She works at McDonalds and has had the unfortunate luck to be in  "love" with the king for roughly a year now. This letter is the most recent and well into the travesty that is their "relationship". This email is more focused on making excuses for begging than actual begging, but stay tuned they get worse.

His words are in "quotes" and my commentary is in [brackets]. Some are comments and some are translations of his bullshit, what he really means.

KOR 11/24  “listen, I wasn't insinuating you were fat, and honestly I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. [he definitely was] I was giving you an example of how you could save a few bucks, so maybe out of the kindness of your heart [or from my incessant guilt laden begging] you could send me a few. Belive it or not, its rough in here, and sometimes I need money to survive in here. [Let's make one thing clear: The constant stress of his habit and the debts he accrues makes his time infinitely more difficult than it needs to be. So more money isn't the solution. It’s the problem.] That's what I was saying. I've been down for 5yrs Jenn and pretty much aint had much help, except from a few. [Just a little context. I get 50$ a month. This jackass spends 300$ a week]. We were together a long time. we broke up when I was in here, so yeah its a little different than if you were just some ex. I shouldn't exspect [too bad they don't give out money for misspelled words] it, but I would hope”. 

“I guess I wasn't who I thought I was to you. [what a word-smith]. I might have put you through a lot of shit, but you sought me out. Remember that. You knew who I was. [Yeah, so you deserve everything I put you through.] Everyone did. I was the king of that town [AND THERE IT IS! The self proclaimed king of Richmond...Oh I can't tell you how embarrassed for him, angered at him, and ashamed to call him my friend I was when I read this!] not to try and sound conceited but I was, [OK. You can't say you’re not being  conceited and then double down on your brag. BTW Richmond has a population smaller than most elementary schools. So it was a small 'kingdom' to say the least] and now no one has my back. it sucks, out of everyone, I hoped that you would have, but no!! [I hope he had a neck brace on when he wrote this. This guy can go from bragging to groveling so fast that it causes whiplash]. When we broke up I wanted you to be happy and get married and do what ever. [He ran out of ideas! That's his limit of things he could conjure up that would make her happy: 2] I just wanted you to still be there for me [AKA: support my habit] and if roles were reversed Jenn, you would have 50 every month and my family would probaly even send you money and that's the proven truth. [From probably to proven truth in half a sentence?]  And you know it, so that shit hurts me, let's just remember who's the one locked up!! I'm the old me again [king?] and I'll remember all my real friends, that were there for me, when I get out in 3 in a half years.[Yeah but will they remember you?] Not long at all. And the thing with frank, [Oh yes! Thankgod he's back on the whole Frank thing! I wish I knew his address I'd send him a bottle of whisky!] belive me, I heard stories, a few. [Yeah and they haunt his dreams] but regardless, I love you, just wish you were kinder to me. ...The king”

[That's his cleanup? Someone get him a neck brace]

KOR 12/6 [Damage control] “baby, funny you say sober honestly, but no i totally understand. im sorry if it feels like sometimes I take you for granted.[by sometimes he means 'all the time'] let me try to explain [please do], in here if you don't get in a constant routine and try to make things repetitive, the time will do you, not you do the time. [A vague prison saying he heard someone say in here once and thought it sounded cool] if that makes sense [it doesn't.], its not my intentions to make it carry over into our relationship [but if it does I'm willing to live with it] I'm sorry [that I have to do this song and dance to get money]. and I fully intend to check myself and let you know how special you truly are to me [and by 'check myself' I mean I'll continue doing the exact same amount of drugs, if not more. and I'll show you how special you are by kindly taking your minimum wage paycheck]. The money you send me is for me to live comfortably in here [get high], that means getting things done that I need to get done while I'm here [I mean, these drugs aren't gonna do themselves.] and 90%, is the food and shit i need to survive [but mostly drugs]. We are already at a disadvantage because I only get 75% of what you send, which sucks [it would be much more efficient if I could put 100% of what you send me up my nose]. And they rip us off on prices on the food as it is. So I'm sorry, but i want you to fully understand you are my baby girl [creepy] and when i get out, roles will reverse and I'll be the provider and you'll live real comfortable [said with his fingers crossed], except when I come home every night and blow that back out bitch!!!! [and theres that winning charm I mentioned! what a smooth operator] I love you. [He doesn't] I got to go to the doctor at 9:30 [Ironically its 'his' back that's blown out] so I'll call you after count [to beg for more $]. I love you [again he doesn't]. if that eases your mind [It shouldn't] I love you!!! [and one final lie to cap off this masterpiece.]

Ex-Girlfriend

These next three are to his ex-girlfriend. She's somewhere down the list of reliable donors, but desperate times call for desperate measures and being a dope fiend in prison means, constant desperate times.

KOR 11/23 "So happy thanksgiving! [Now that the pleasantries are out of the way] So I havnt had any money lately, so no stamps but I just got some anyways [2nd sentence in and already caught in a lie. Clearly if he sent this, he has stamps]. Yeah I heard all about you and Carol's argument, and Dan and Josh messaging, and you jumping in on their message, and Dan cutting into you about being a shitty ex (/friend) [OK, I have to translate. First of all, this email seems to be sponsored by unnecessary commas. I guess some people were attacking her on Facebook for not sending the 'king' an adequate amount of money] Most I agree with. [Especially the money part] You havnt been there for me Jennifer [how dare you!]. I belive you have kinda done me wrong [how do you sleep at night?] and other people believe that too [so there!]. Im not saying your wrong for living your life [but you are] and going and being with someone new [because there's no way he's cooler than me]. but you can look out for the man [I use the term man loosely] that looked out for you since you were just a baby! [???? what???? creepy! actually I need to go ask him about this one.. OK he said he meant when she was 18] When I have asked for money in the past, you deny me [who the fuck do you think you are an ex?]. Hell, I'm broke right now [and that's your responsibility]. I can't get money. [But regardless I incessantly ask for it? Blatant lie no.2] uncle only sends me 50 a month and that ain't shit, that's hygiene a month. [Who calls their uncle uncle and not my uncle? What is he an orphan from the 1800's?] You don't keep money on the phone Jenn. I don't care who your new man is [again, not cooler than me], if you truly love me, you can talk to me. And 50 dollars, every couple of months ain't shit Jenn [trust me its nothing! I blow through it in no time]. So I and everyone else just think your wrong for that [OK, now he's literally speaking for everyone. Which is strange because I don't remember giving him my opinion on how much money his ex should be spending on his habit]. I will always have love for you. I just wish you would treat me with the respect I deserve [but have in no way earned]. I've been down 5 yrs and havnt got no more than 100 dollars from you. i basicaly took the rap and I get no respect. [Now he's doing his Rodney Dangerfield impression? what's next, Dr Vinnie Boombatz? (look it up)]  That's fucked up!!!!! well I thought, since I finally got some stamps I can finally reply. I wish you would start respecting me as someone you love!!! 

'The King of Richmond' (The realest you've ever known!)”  [That last part is 100% real. I almost died laughing when I read this! The realest? No comment I can muster will be adequate at dealing with the ridiculousness of this sign off. What a heavy handed attempt to sound like a cool guy. Remember, this is to an ex-girlfriend! No way does playing the cool guy ever work on an ex. She's been in the bathroom after you. She's smelled your shit. Also remember that the whole point of this email is to beg for money! Oh I'm so glad I'm friends with this silly degenerate!]

KOR 11/24 “what? really I thought we just made it through everything; [Im going to say we and then make you feel bad for a bunch of shit you needed] your rent to your sister, the presents for the babies, your phone you needed [you know, the trivial shit]. I thought we got through it baby? [You mean to tell me the babies got my drug money?] I owe a 100$ and I don't even got a noodle right now. Thank god for you, because my brother doesn't give a fuck if I rot in here [because be knows the real me] and everyone else apparently don't care. [Possibly the most poorly crafted sentence in the history of writing, and now down to business] We can do 100 and then 50. [Tell the babies and your sister to fuck off! I have needs.] So I can eat off the 35 from the 50 for the rest of this month [hope I confused her with all the numbers and poor grammar] cause the only thing I have is 2 soaps [just to be sure, one more number]. so work with me on this and I will make that last to the first OK! [In no world, was he able to make it last until the 1st] 

[And now back to the unwarranted guilt trip:] I thought you were done with all the present buying and rent.You even had a b-day!! [So there's really no excuse for not feeding my addiction. What are you selfish? Use your b-day money!] Which I think you needed to let loose a little anyways. [You really earned it, putting up with my begging and whatnot] I love you babe. I'll call you after count were supposed to have a blizzard today F U N!!!!!” [Bringing it all together with a little sarcastic humor? NICE!]

KOR 12/5 "Really Jenn? Don't think you can shame me for [well, anything but specifically] expecting a little money every once in a while” [you should know by now that shame is not a factor!] "Its not hard to skip going out to eat or buying that extra shirt, [extra shirt?Clearly he could only think of one good example to save money.] to throw me a little extra dough. [yeah, just go hungry and topless] I didn't bring Josh or Dan into this. [This whole exchange is about his friends and sugar mamma shaming Jenn for not sending home enough money] They did that on their own. They told me the conversation they had with you. I just agreed. I also didn't tell Carol to do that. She did that after her and Josh had a conversation about what had happened. Another thing is Jenn, don't kid yourself, I blew through a 35,000 dollar [insurance] check taking care of us, making sure we had a good time and 2 to 3 thousand every month up until i did that year in county (jail) [Yeah, I was a great provider until I got arrested! And by provider I mean cashing an insurance check]. So don't cry to me about a couple hundo [that's right, he's too cool to say hundred] and your fucking Ford Contour. I think your being rude, and you tried your damnest to fuck frank. [OK this is where it goes off the rails. He couldn't wait to mention the whole frank thing so he just shoehorned it in the conversation] I heard. [I'm confused, was she successful in her 'dam nest' attempt to fuck ole Frank?] That's funny [is it?], not that I care [well, I'm convinced. Nothing screams 'I care and it hurts so much' like saying I 'don't care'], cause I do have a good girl (a ride or die bitch I wish I always had) who does take care of me and keeps money on the phone and keeps me in touch with everyone [but only when I beg and grovel]. I'm in prison still pulling bitches [WOW!!! first of all he's definitely not and more importantly that's the most pathetic attempt at intended jealousy]. my point really isn't to brag, that's not what im trying to do. [It is] I'm just saying, its possible to still have a life and support someone in prison. even a little. you have just made NO effort at all and that piss people off and me. cause McDonald's checks weren't supporting our sort of lifestyle sweetie!!!!!! so I guess I wish you would change, but I doubt it. Anyways, happy to hear your grand ma is doing good. and next time you write, attach a stamp.” [OK, he's always good for a ridiculous ending but this one takes the cake. Let's examine: He spends 90% of this letter guilt tripping, berating, talking shit to, and begging for money. Then, literally in the 2nd to last sentence, he mentions her sick grandma's recovery? I have ask him how he carries around such big balls without a limp! And if you're still naive enough to think that he's done, you clearly don't know the ‘king’.]

[Our royal highness still has enough balls, and not enough shame, to ask this poor girl to attach a return stamp so she can continue this charming and fulfilling correspondence with her incarcerated ex-boyfriend. And now its clear how he became the king of Richmond: By sheer clumsy manipulation, a ruthless disregard for self respect, the freedom of movement that a spineless body provides and a fortitude willing to stoop to any low to accomplish his goal to get inebriated. The same way presidents get elected in this country. At any cost he would take the crown and he did. Without ever being to Richmond, I can say this with confidence: Anyone who would make him king and pay tribute to his court, truly deserves his rule. What a spectacular asshole the king is and I count him as a flawed degenerate of the worst degree. But I also count him as a friend…]

[dzamie]

Fuckton of OC questions: Dream

Questions from @liaraliara‘s post here. Doing these for Dream, will do more for other characters eventually, whether y’all want me to or not.

Dream’s kind of a questionable character for me, because I kiiiinda stole her from another person when my imagination met a neat character in a Spyro fanfiction. I still feel guilty for taking and warping her, which is part of why everyone refers to her with her shortened name. If I hadn’t been using her for over half a decade now, I’d change her name probably to Dreamstalker, but... I’m very used to it now.

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything? Her full name is Mistress Dreamnorn. “Mistress” is her legal first name, though only she knows why. It’s... pretty obvious why pretty much everyone calls her Dream.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them? None that have been confirmed real.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?  She’s very secretive about her past. Assumedly, she has several bad memories involving Holy Water, and fond memories of gardening.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?  [data unknown]

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults? [data unknown]

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate? [data unknown] Though she’s a natural at ballistic mechanics, and has often times claimed to have various degrees in Physics.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?  [data unknown]

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?  She keeps her childhood secret. She jokes that Kenneth’s her pet. She likes watching some animals, though usually gets quickly angry around bears.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?  Animals tend to fear her, although she’s nothing but gentle with them.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect? She tries to stay away from kids for liability purposes.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies? As a dragon, she’s a carnivore, though she does tend a crop of carrots. For unexplained reasons, these carrots are blue. And explosive. She’s not allergic, per se, but she claims she has a nasty reaction to Christian icons, such as crosses, holy water, and churches. Nuns burst into flames around her.

12. What is their favourite food?  Steak, medium rare, side of fries.

13. What is their least favourite food? Eucharist. She’s never been seen eating it, so nobody’s entirely sure if this is a joke.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal? Not really. 

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking? So long as she keeps her carrots out of the kitchen, she’s pretty good at cooking. She does cook with them, and they have... side effects.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? She collects firearms and sex toys. Should be pretty obvious what she does with them. The guns are kept behind a variety of traps and other hazards, like most dragons’ hoards. The sex toys are in a “locked” drawer, though the lock is nonfunctional.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos? She takes what Dzamie and HM would call “blackmail photos,” but she just uses them to tease the subject.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else She likes adventure novels, especially with nonhuman protagonists. Not much a fan of other media.

19. What’s their least favourite genres? Historical nonfiction.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes? Not particularly. She sometimes hums along if a classical piece she likes comes on.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper? Dream doesn’t get angry. She gets revenge.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back? She’ll just call them various animals, either in Draconic if she’s speaking Common, or Common if she’s speaking Draconic. Usually pretty harmless animals, though.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces? She’s not too good with names if she doesn’t expect to see them often, but she doesn’t forget a face. Not the best at short-term memory.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress? Diurnal, though tends to laze around more in the summer. She doesn’t snore, though she does drool a bit. She prefers to sleep on Dzamie, HM, Kenneth, and any acid-proof mattress, in that order. For personal safety reasons, HM and Kenneth would rather she sleep next to them rather than on them.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves? She likes lolrandumb style stuff. Not quite “t3h p3nguin of d00m” level, but YTPs and gmod videos are a favorite.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? The tip of her tail flicks back and forth, and she tends to... bounce. In her seat or on her feet.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad? Losing something from either hoard, or a tragic fate happening to someone she cares about - including her favorite characters from a beloved series. She sometimes cries when sad, and others tend to be quick to comfort her, either out of sympathy or just to stop the flow of highly-corrosive tears.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared? Nobody knows. She can be startled, but her reaction is usually throwing an exploding carrot at whatever startled her.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? She mentally files it away in case she wants to exploit it later, but in the immediate moment tries to stop them from being scared, either by removing the source of fear or distracting/comforting them

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out? Twice a week, generally. Usually more stretching than most would do. Pre-workout she tends to be peppy, post-workout she’s either pumped up for some other activity or flopping on the couch and asking Dzamie for a massage.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing? She doesn’t really drink. Incredibly high alcohol tolerance, and it’s just not worth the cost for her to even get buzzed.

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like? Around friends, she goes around in just her scales - comfier, and less chance of accidentally corroding a hole into clothes she likes. In public, she tends to wear shirts (tee or button-down) and short skirts or pants, depending on weather. She also has a bunch of cloaks and blankets for when it gets really cold. Her hair is straight and brown, and she usually wears it down, but puts it in a ponytail for physical activities.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties? Lacy panties. If she’s wearing some, there’s usually a rather specific and obvious reason.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body? She’s a bipedal dragoness, around 5′6″ including her horns. Pretty muscular, but not very visibly so. Dream has limited shapeshifting ability, and tends to use it to mess with the size of her wings and tail. She’s comfortable in her body.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? Tactical games. She thinks it clashes with her lewd, dominating gunslinger sort of thing, so she rarely indulges herself, but she’s beaten several Fire Emblem games, Advance Wars, X-COM, and a lot of Wesnoth maps. Dzamie and HM sometimes face off in Chess, Risk, or similar games, but Dream prefers not to play with them - she likes to mess with her opponents, and they concentrate more on the game and less on her cute dragony wiles. As for unguilty pleasure... there’s a reason she’s so good at rope tying and accuracy with a whip.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing? She’s an excellent markswoman, a talented gardener, and is superb at all sorts of knot-tying. Plenty of other things, too, but those are the most frequent 3. She likes gardening, and sometimes idly fiddles with a couple short lengths of rope. She has a nice speaking voice, but isn’t very good at holding a tune.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction? Yes, she tears through adventure series. She sometimes enjoys poetry, but doesn’t go out of her way to find it. Nonfiction is a decent sleep aid for her.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had? She admires confidence and stamina, and wishes she had more self-control at times.

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? Email. She’d probably like sending texts, but doesn’t usually have pockets.

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert? Giving Dream energy drinks or caffeine is a subtle way of saying “I don’t really care how much of this building is left standing in an hour.”

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship? Bi and promiscuous. She finds lean builds and happy personalities attractive, and gravitates towards partners she thinks would enjoy a submissive role. Likes partners who are just friends outside of physical things, and needs them to be able to cheat exhaustion or escape her on the brink of such. Well, for their sake.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition? She’s pretty content, actually. Wishes she could do bdsm things with Dzamie, but he’s very clear that it unnerves him, so she doesn’t. Secret ambition is to design a gun that fires guns that fires guns.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people? ...nuns literally burst into flame around her. Other religions have a much lesser effect on her and vice versa.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? Spring. Weather starts to warm up, just about time to plant her weird carrots, she tends to have a weaker heat cycle then, and the trees stop being so depressingly bare.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? Most people think her lewdness is almost her entire personality, and that she isn’t able to defend herself. She disagrees strongly with the first, and will readily correct people about the second.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves? Not really, especially since she usually mentions her full name (and her nickname. She’s not stupid.) when introducing herself.

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event? She’s not used to them, and tries to avoid being noticed if she has to go to one.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? She finds parties fun, at least the types HM hosts. Tends to be pretty outgoing at them. Once went to a “reunion” type thing at the local dragonslayer’s guild as Dzamie’s plus-one. Kind of awkward until she figured out that “kill all dragons” isn’t really the guild’s motto or mindset, and ended up amusing herself and Dzamie by winning a game of strip poker despite wearing a dress and nothing else.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them? Her rocket launcher, custom-made to be able to fire her blue carrots. She takes it everywhere, and uses a basic Storage spell when she can’t physically have it for some reason or another.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials? I’m never gonna figure out a good answer for any of my characters. Dream would probably take a bedroll, a tinderbox, her crossbow (plus some bolts), and a bunch of blue carrot seeds. And, of course, her rocket launcher. It’s surprisingly portable.