#No I was kind of thinking to myself it was kind of funny how of the OG Shichibukai half of them are either dads or borderline dads

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[luckyofthelawnvariety]

I've finished Etho's s7 hermitcraft so guess who's back with a slightly updated/slightly consolidated list of things about ethoslab I have noticed! or just enjoy!

(the previous list)

I have no idea when he learned to noteblock. I don't know if he knows. he knows how to noteblock tho. he's really good at it.

on that note, did you know that there is not a single piece of non-noteblock music in etho's s7 after the first episode? there might not even be any in the first episode. every single timelapse or montage is set to noteblock music

(he sang along to parts of his paper planes noteblock cover too. he was going shopping. I was entirely too delighted)

(also, there is some like...sitcom music theme that I don't know what show it's from. it's bothering me that I don't know. what you need to know is that throughout his s7 etho uses said sitcom theme as the transition before Shenanigans With Fellow Hermits clips play. his life is a sitcom. yes it is the noteblock version.)

I think that etho desperately needs minigames for enrichment. if he's not playing one he's working on one. he needs them and he will let them completely consume his life

the etho decked out 1 runs are hilarious, partially because it's funny to see him play it and realize how absolutely insane decked out 2 is, and how much of a madlad tango is. etho is still the same menace with great luck and skills. I had forgotten about the hole to the void in the middle out decked out 1 tho, that was a fun reminder

etho could make a career out of translating classic type games into minecraft. he kind of has, but it's a pattern.

he also keeps coming up with new games that are minecraft only and is good at figuring out how to balance them well.

again, king of minigames. he will in fact analyze them as much as possible. he caught on to the pattern of impulse's whack a mole game in like...2 rounds? maybe 3? he's good at pattern recognition and will put it to good use no matter the minigame

etho, I cannot stress this enough, is a little shit and enjoys being such. free glass is obviously an iconic moment, but I had forgotten about him scamming scar out of diamonds for "information" about the resistance, or about sneak-e-e's business model (you can't tax what you can't find!), or about how he kept being extremely ridiculous with beef in regards to record shop payments...the list goes on

etho is also very competitive. I mentioned this in the last list, but man...he joins like every single competition he can. he wants to win. he's not like, a sore loser, but he likes to win, and he'll get a little upset if he doesn't.

etho and beef have clearly known each other a long time and ngl I miss their interactions a bit. let them bother each other a bit more please. I want to see them trying to kill each other in ridiculous ways again please. or doing minigames together. they're so silly.

kind of similar, but etho loves getting a rise out of people and it is the best thing ever actually. it's fun watching him use dirty tricks to beat bdubs to sleeping for a prize. it's perfect actually.

that being said, I still really like when etho is just on his own working on stuff too. s7 has a lot of moments where etho will go "I'm gonna use this block palette!" and I will think "bro that's ugly" and then he will make an extremely cohesive build that I want to live in out of it. I think a good way to describe it is that for example bdubs is really good at detailed builds with texture and not much color, and a very realistic twist to them. etho is not afraid to use color at all, and embraces how the colors can work together or contrast. it's fascinating to watch and I love it.

he is also a redstone genius. I feel I am starting to understand how some things with redstone work. could I design something myself? absolutely not but I could work from a tutorial and not feel completely lost on why I have to use a dispenser and not a dropper now.

I think s7 etho is really experimenting a lot with style and how he wants to do things. he does a few more elaborate intros, for example, that are very planned out, but he also does a lot of the classic "hello everybody this is etho and welcome back to hermitcraft!" it's fun and it works, but I honestly feel he might be more confident in some ways now in s10, which is nice to see.

(side note—I think etho has some trouble with tone sometimes, where he really wants to make sure everyone's having a good time, but also he really wants to tease people. this works well with like Beef, who he's known a while, but especially in people he's known less he's quick to catch on if they take what he's saying too seriously, and clarify that he is teasing. it's nice to see tbh, just the clarity even with his audience)

speaking of llamas, I had not realized how recent some really big updates were. bamboo and pandas were new at the start of s7. the nether update came like halfway through?? I was more in the casual build side of mcyt at the time but man...I didn't realize how crazy that is to think about.

just...the way that etho visualizes builds is great. not just like, leaving space for farms, but filling in the spaces with a lot of details that make sense but also work with the space to cover anything it needs to AND to connect with the rest of the base. the sightlines thing is something I see a lot of other builders using but etho really uses them a lot in the Monstrosity in order to keep it from being Too Much as you walk through.

really just...he wants to have fun, and he wants to learn, and he wants to experiment and figure things out. if he can mess with some friends when he does it, that's a great bonus, yknow?

man. what a guy.

[luckyreds]

"I wrote to Johnny Martin, He wasn't there when I got hit, and I wanted to tell him what happened, tell him I was alive, and to take care of the men. He wrote me back January 12 1945."

Dear Bill,

I received your letter today … Anything you asked me in the letter I’ll do. You know that. As far as what went on after you left, you’ve probably read it in the papers … it was plenty rough … and I’ll tell you later about who got it and who didn’t. Well, Bill … I’m going to see you whether it be soon or a long time, but I’m going to see you no matter what … Bill, when I got your letter, I was at the Co. CP. Of course, everyone was interested to hear from you. Well they said read it out loud. Well, the Co. and the rest of the company headquarters were there. I got halfway through and started to cry in front of all the guys. I just had to take off, Bill. Boy, I never felt so hollow inside in all my life. From now on when you write, please … leave anything about your leg out of my letters. Just do it as a favor for me. I guess I’m not near as good a man as I thought I was. Boy, for the first time, I never had any control of myself. When I heard you were hurt, I got all the poop I could, but you know where we were, and I couldn’t possibly get to see you. All the guys told me how you took it cooler than anybody yet. Laying there shooting the shit when you were hit like that. Some guys shit when they get nicked with a bullet and you get hit like that and just shoot the shit. Well, I just want to tell you right now, you’re so much better of a man than I am it isn’t even funny. I don't mean only in combat either. You’re better than any officer or EM I’ve ever seen or ever will, You’re the first guy whom I’ve ever met I could hit it with and it’s just because you’re such a swell guy … For God’s sake, Bill, don’t let it get you down … I know you’re the kind of guy who will see it through to the end … I expect to have a lot of fun when we get back to the States. Buddy, we’ll rip her apart when I get back. When I go to bed tonight, I am going to pray that I get a furlough to England. I hear they are going to send them out … Well I suppose you want to know what changes there are in the battalion. Our CO is now Lieutenant Speirs from D Company. I think he’s the best one we’ve had yet. There is a new officer in charge of 2nd Platoon. Welsh is S-3 and we have a new S-2 officer. Nixon is Regiment S-3 … I’ll close now, and if I don’t get a couple of letters a week from you, I’ll be disappointed … So Long for now.

Your pal, ‘Jason’ Martin

-Excerpt from Brothers in Battle, Best of friends.

[d0gbite]

how do you have the courage to be yourself? how do you not fear of their looks or their words? I just... I'm sorry if this is hard to answer.

don’t be sorry. honestly, it took me a long time to be able to not care about being judged. i used to be a super socially anxious and shy person. but recently within the last few years i’ve realized that it just… doesn’t matter what other people think of you. i know that’s so cliche. but honestly.

when i was in high school i started dressing uhhh.. let’s say a little weird. i wanted to test the waters, so to speak. i was experimenting with clothes and trying to teach myself to not be afraid of getting weird looks. because people WOULD give me weird looks, and comments, and even laugh at me. but i liked the way i looked, and my friends thought it was fun, so… what’s the big deal? how is it really affecting me, what they think about how i dress?

i got called a furry a lot in high school, and sometimes barked at. i didn’t know what a furry even was, so it didn’t bother me. i asked my friend one day, and she told me its people who dress like animals, and that i should look it up, because she thinks i’d really like it. and you know what? she was right. so i was a furry. i sometimes wore cat ears or a collar to school. and it still didn’t bother me when people tried to make fun of me for it. partially because i didn’t realize they were making fun of me (the tism) but partially because i didn’t care. *i* thought furries were cool, so i wasn’t embarrassed about them calling me one. they were right, after all 🤷‍♀️

i’m still openly a furry. i wore my fursuit to my college classes on halloween. i’m openly queer. i’m semi-openly a therian (close friends and family know, and ill tell anyone who asks). i don’t mind being weird or different, because i learned when i was a teenager to not be afraid of weird looks or being laughed at. they cant hurt you. it just doesn’t matter to me if other people think i’m cool or not, *i* think i’m cool. i made friends with other people who thought i was cool.

i was worried for a while that if i was too weird, nobody would like me and i wouldn’t have any friends. but the thing is, you won’t make friends by pretending to be someone you’re not. not real friends. i promise that *someone* will still like you. you’ll find someone like you. someone will still understand and think you’re cool no matter how weird you are. and if they don’t, i’m always here :)

LASTLY (sorry this has been so long) i’m good at being openly myself now because of how i worked on my self esteem. i used to have super low self esteem, i didn’t think highly of myself at all. but i read something online once, a few years ago, that said instead of making self-deprecating jokes/comments, to start making self-aggrandizing jokes. instead of saying “i can’t believe i got a good grade with how dumb and bad at math i am”, start saying “of course i got a good grade, im just that amazing and smart and incredible”. so i started doing that. personally, i think these kinds of jokes are WAY funnier, and also they help your self esteem. even if you don’t believe what you’re saying, it still subconsciously builds up an idea of yourself in your head. i will quite often make jokes like this, and i find this helps TREMENDOUSLY with not caring about how people think of me. who cares if they think i’m weird? i’m so pretty and smart and funny and talented 😌 i don’t need them to like me

anyway. that’s a lot of words to say sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you. but it’s true!

the fear of being judged is a (super valid to have, but) irrational fear, imo; judgement will not hurt you. so my big three tips, if you’re trying to start not caring about what people think: practice, find friends/a group who like you for who you are, and don’t think too poorly of yourself

[hannahssimblr]

Night; the sun set on my last day in Amalfi. I’m having a cigarette on the balcony, and light from the bulbs strung across the overhang catches rising smoke. Headlights pull up outside, beams of yellow light slice through the black.

Chatter fills the air. Slamming doors. One, two, three. Ah. Okay. Fuck my life. Silvio, Suzana, Astrid, laughing together all the way up the path towards the villa. The merry sound of hours spent drinking. She spots me; her face tilted up towards the balcony, flooded by the soft glow of the bulbs. 

Seriously? I think. You’re bringing them here? We don’t speak. Not worth it, but Silvio does. A vast white grin. “Oh! Jude. Astrid said you were busy today.”

“Well, I was.”

“We are going to drink. Just hang out inside. Come and join.”

“Maybe in a while.”

“Cool, man. Cool.”

Yes. Cool. That’s me. Up here, sucking the butt end of a cigarette on a Friday night while everyone else is out enjoying themselves. Very cool is the state of my life. They go inside. I light another, then stay there for a while, chain smoking then, the stars in a slow rotation across the sky. 

“Jude! Come in, come in!” I have made the mistake of passing the living room door, wide open, on the way to get a drink from the kitchen. There they all are, a bottle of wine drained, another half empty on the coffee table, music playing from my portable speaker. The one I’ve been using in the background as I spend afternoons drawing in my sketchbooks. They’re on the table now. I imagine the three of them leafing through the pages and laughing at the sheer quantity of foliage studies. As if that’s funny. Wow, he draws a lot of trees, kind of thing. 

“I was just coming down to grab some water, to be honest.”

“Have wine. We have a glass.” Silvio, holding it up. “Feels wrong without you here, man.”

I go in and slump into an armchair, accepting reluctantly the glass thrust into my hands. I can barely look at Astrid next to Silvio on the couch. Can’t bring myself to, and wonder if it is palpable, the awkwardness between us, or if our guests are too drunk to notice. I move my things from the tabletop to the floor beneath. 

“What a place, man,” Silvio goes on. “I mean, this is nice, this is fancy. Who’s paying for this?”

“I am.” 

It is not my sofa, but I wish he wouldn’t sit on it like that, sprawled all over it, legs spread, and arms resting on the cushion behind Suzana, smug, possessive. Where are you, Jenny? I think. Look at this clown. My hand twitches towards my pocket, of half a mind to take a picture of him on my phone so I can prove he’s real when I bitch about him later. 

“You are paying?” He echoes. “You mean your rich daddy?”

“My father isn’t rich.”

“Astrid mentioned something…” Suzana says, and my girlfriend shakes her head. “I said Jude’s father is an orthodontist. Not that he is wealthy.”

“Well, there’s money in dentistry,” Silvio says, eyes sliding around the room, appraising the value of the details. “Some of that tooth shit is expensive.”

He would know. 

“Yeah, well, he’s not the type to pay for me to lie around an Italian villa for a week.”

“He’s selfish?”

I don’t answer. 

“Does it run in the family, selfishness?”

I glance at Astrid for clues about what he is talking about, but she’s staring into her glass. 

Silvio laughs then, loudly, and throws his head back over the couch. “You have such a serious face, man, did you know? Sometimes I am thinking you don’t know how to have fun.”

“Right.”

“I think he can,” says Suzana. “He’s just shy. I think he is adorable.”

He nudges Astrid. “What do you think about that? Do you agree? Your boyfriend is adorable?”

She sighs, a touch of impatience. “Well, yes, I suppose. You could describe him that way if you wished.”

“And what about Suzana, Jude?” He can’t give it a rest. Him all week, like, look at my girlfriend. What’s your opinion? Do you like that bikini? “She’s amazing. Sexy. Look at her in this dress. What do you think?”

I don’t answer, but don’t have to because, evidently overcome by his obsession with Suzana, Silvio leans in and kisses her. Full, open-mouthed, kissing tongues and all. No sound now in the room but their wet mouths and the beat of whatever hip-hop song they’ve queued up on the speaker. 

The correct reaction is unclear. Do I avert my eyes? Ask them to stop? I feel there isn’t any obvious social protocol for this. Do I look it up on the internet? Like, people are kissing on the sofa in front of me. What to do?

I drain my glass and place it on the table, deliberately clinking against the other glassware, on the off chance they have forgotten there are other people in the room. Astrid, face blank, thoughts indecipherable.

“Right, okay,” I say. And they keep kissing.

Silvio’s hand, resting now upon his knee, slides sideways and slowly across the sofa cushion and onto Astrid’s thigh. I stare at it, certain it isn’t happening. His hand, the artificial tan, hair on his knuckles, brazenly gripping my girlfriend’s leg, and her there, letting him do it.

Then I’m standing, a ringing in my ears, thumping in my chest. I’ve been extremely stupid. I’ve been stupid my whole life, and this is the culmination. God’s ultimate punishment. In my rush to leave, I tip a glass from the table, and red wine pools over the white rug. There’s an exclamation of concern for it; background noise as I clamber up the stairs.

Through darkened hallways and into the bedroom. Door shut behind me. My body is an explosion of feeling. Tingling hands and face. It’s that feeling I had on the sailboat, at the restaurant. Unruly and strange, but it is worse now than it was then. It’s unbearable. On my knees by the bed. I’m stupid, I’m stupid, I’m stupid. I think I want to go home. Or die. Whichever is less painful.

The screen of my phone is glaring, blue light in the dark bedroom. My call history. Mom. I should call my mom. That’s what a normal person would do, right? If he thought he was caught in a bad situation?  

The phone sits in my palm, the screen fading to black. And who am I? Who does that man think I am? Someone who would just let that happen? He’ll try to seduce my girlfriend right in front of me, there, while I am watching, and it will be okay? Except I left the room, of course, which could lead to the assumption that I am, in fact, alright with that. Maybe she wants that. It was coming all week, let’s be honest. I was just too stupid to see it. Maybe she is evil. Like, a deeply broken, bad person, and my curse is to love her anyway.

I cringe at the idea of Silvio and Suzana, night time in their hotel room, coming up with a seduction strategy. Talking about us like that, fucking each other to the idea of it. It makes my stomach turn.

“Jude,” Astrid is there. The length of her pale legs there by me, and the hallway light pouring in through the open door. “Jude,” kneeling now, my face in her hands, my cheeks hot. “I sent them home.”

Breath in my lungs. “Oh.”

“They made me uncomfortable, so I asked them to leave. Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“You’re upset.”

“Clearly.”

“Oh,” joining me on the floor, we lean against the bed. She strokes my leg. A gesture of comfort I know is unnatural to her, which she knows, theoretically, is helpful. “I hope you don’t think I wanted it. I didn’t wish for that to happen.”

“To be honest, I don’t know what I thought.”

“I didn’t invite them here so that we could… swap partners, or whatever it was they wanted to do. I didn’t realise they were like that.”

“Me neither. I feel so stupid.”

“Yes, me too,” she frowns. “I should have known, I think. There were things they said to me…”

“Like what things?”

“Oh, just Suzana always talking about their sex life in so much detail. She was interested to know what I thought of him. You know, Silvio. I didn’t know that she expected that I might have sex with him.” She looks at me, eyes wide, an uncharacteristically innocent expression. “He’s going bald,” she whispers. “I wouldn’t ever.”

Laughter bubbles from me. It’s the look on her face, the horror, the youthfulness there that I’ve never quite seen before. It seems refreshing. She seems relatable for the first time. “Well, I thought he was odious.” I say.

“He is! He is odious. Awful, awful man. What is she thinking? She can just share him around? I imagine she must have a hard time finding women that want to swap with her. Imagine, a whole holiday spent trying to poach women for such a creep.”

“Oh my God, Astrid, I didn’t know you thought that.”

“Yes. I thought they were interesting, I suppose, and I wanted to impress them, but not like this,” a small, shocked little laugh behind her hand. “I can’t believe it.”

“You wouldn’t do it?” We are whispering. With an empty house, our guests gone and there’s nobody but us. Crouched upon the rug by the bed, the subject still feels conspiratorial, and loud voices wrong. 

“Not with him. Would you have? With Suzana?”

“No.”

“Well, even if they misunderstood, it’s nice they thought we were sexy.”

I pause. “Well, we are.”

“I think so too. Maybe it’s them that should have been trying to impress us.”

“Weren’t they? At least you. They wanted you to like them.”

“Maybe. How stupid, anyway. I don’t know why I cared what they thought.”

“I’m surprised you care about what anybody thinks, to be honest.”

She looks at me. “Why?”

“Why should you have to? You don’t seem the type to be bothered by that kind of thing.”

“Well, I’m human.”

“I see that.”

As we lapse into silence, her hand finds mine, weaving our fingers together, just to touch, and I watch her face, staring contemplatively out through the balcony doors to swaying trees, black shadows against the sky. I whisper, “what are you thinking about?”

She makes a sound that sounds like “hm,” a small smile at the corners of her lips. “That it was a little bit shocking that Silvio thought I might like to sleep with him, but also, maybe… it was a bit sexy too.”

“Ah, you’re turned on by Silvio,” I tease. “You fancy him, now.”

“Of course not. He’s repulsive. But maybe, you know, it was exciting to be desired like that.”

Stroking her wrist with my thumb. “Mm.”

“Maybe I enjoy knowing there are other men out there who want me.”

“You can’t see that?” A shocking concept, if true. She must be the number one most blatantly ogled woman on the planet. She may also be about to reveal herself as the most oblivious.

“I see the way they look at me, but for one to want me so much, even inside his own relationship, even inside mine… to break boundaries because of the wanting. I think I liked the intensity of that.”

“Ah. So someone wanting desperately, but never being able to have you; making a total fool of himself in the process is what turns you on.”

“Is it terrible?”

“No, it isn’t.”

“I’m certain women have made fools of themselves for you, though I don’t think you would tell me if they had.”

Naturally. I admit nothing.

Her eyes move restlessly, landing nowhere. Her chest rises and falls, neck blotchy. 

“It actually really turns you on, doesn’t it? You’re not joking.” I whisper. 

“I think so,” she looks at me, vulnerable. “It shouldn’t.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t fight it.”

“I think I want–” she breaks off, trembling.

“What do you want?” My hand is on her leg, stroking gently towards her inner thigh.

“Jude, do you think can we get into bed now?”

“Okay.”

We are hands and mouths, touching, kissing. Lifting her, laying her on the bed, my fingers tugging the straps of her dress, giving up and pushing it over her hips. Hers under the elastic waistband of my shorts. Touching each other, I, the damp spot on her underwear. Her breath on my lips, her throaty moan, fisting the sheets while I slide my fingers through her.

“Anything you want,” she whispers. “Please.”

“Like this, then.” I put her on her front, holding the back of her neck, my fist in her hair. “Yes? This is how you want it?”

“Ah–yes. If you do.”

I hesitate, sweat beading on my brow. This shouldn’t be allowed. Pushing her into the bed like this, still mostly dressed, her breath so shallow and desperate, her neck at that angle. Actually, kind of begging me for it.

“I love you, you know,” I whisper.

A low laugh from her then. “Yes, Jude. I haven’t forgotten.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

[thatgirlwithasquid]

ooo okay this looks fun (and i am procrastinating like a bitch rn so...)

Hm, I'm not sure. Maybe The Naming of Hobbits by @andhumanslovedstories? It was one of the first fics I read when I got into using AO3 and I remember it giving me a good giggle. I really should go back and reread it. It must've been years since I've read it by now... And yet I still think of it fondly as 'that funny The Hobbit fic' so it clearly left a very good impression :)

So many. So many make me cry. I've reread Time Falls Away by @not-close-to-straight like three times I think? And each time the line 'I don't know this part of the story' has me UGLY SOBBING. Love it. Absolutely an amazing read. I still haven't worked my way up to the third fic in the series cause the emotions are still too strong rn, but I am very excited for whenever I finally do! I also gotta mention All Is Fair In Love by @stranger-awakening cause OH MY GOD nothing has ever hurt me like this fic hurt me. The pain. It just kept getting worse. It was so good but I needed frequent breaks when reading cause the emotions were So Much. I'm also just realising I never kudosed that fic and OMG I AM SO SORRY. I was too caught up in the throes of agony, I apologise!!

My comfort fic is definitely Petey and Wade discuss the proper way to go about vigilantism (and maybe they fall in love too) by @isadancurtisproduction. I have read that fic at least once a year since I first came across it. I love it so much, it's insane. It may even be my all time favourite fanfic

I am gonna have to say Rapture by mia_ugly on AO3. I read it out of morbid curiosity and I have not been the same since. This is the fic that introduced me to this type of time travel fics, where the time travel muddies the relationships and makes everything angsty and confusing and secretive. It is my FAVOURITE kind of angst and I have read multiple other fics with the same trope since. I adore them <3

Oh, 100% @sheena-is-a-punk-rocker. Since I read all your quinnflag fics and loved them so much I started on my own quinnflag wip. Started off thinking 'how would they have gotten together before The Suicide Squad?' like they are in your The Suicide Squad but Rick and Harley are already dating series (which is such a fun read and deserves all the love!!) and my wip has become its own thing from there :)

Lol I'm not the best authority for this since I do not read much fic for either of my main fandoms (sorry Stranger Things and The World of Mr Plant!) but I definitely think @kittyphoenix12-xx's work deserves so much more love. I need to read more of your fics, babes, cause the ones I have read are SO good. I TREASURE that cunningway fic you gifted to me, and getting to beta a couple of your works was such an honour. I especially loved the stars look down and know, cause it's so so sweet!!!

Good question... Commenting, I guess. That's the obvious answer. And I really need to work on it myself (and I'm trying!!) but we could always do with more commenting. Authors love seeing it so we need to do our part more (which is why I'm tagging the authors in this despite being a bit nervous about that lol, cause you guys deserve hearing how wonderful I think your fics are :) )

I really don't know. I don't like telling people not to do things cause I think that's just rude. Fanfic is for fun, and if you like doing something that someone else thinks there's too much of then fuck them! Have fun with it cause that's all that matters. I see people complaining about certain things from time to time and just think 'well... you could just... not?' Maybe that's what I wish there was less of in fandom: people feeling the need to make a fuss when they don't like something, cause most of the time when I see it it's over the most non-problem things.

Alternative Fic Recs

Fic recs are a great way to introduce people to stories you love. But instead of a list, you could try this format instead? I've tried it before and I really liked it, as it made me think about the fics I've read differently.

This isn't a tag game or an ask game. You can copy, repost, reblog, share and edit this at will if you're looking to do a fic rec :)

The fic that's made you laugh the most?

What's a fic that makes you cry?

Your fave comfort, silly fic?

The fic that made you try a genre or a trope you wouldn't normally read.

An author that's inspired your own fic writing (if you're an author), or your TBR list (if you're a reader).

Your fave "underdog" fics/authors in your fandom(s). Those that you feel are underappreciated and deserve some love.

What's one thing you wish writers/readers/the fandom did more of when it comes to fanfiction?

What's one thing you wish writers/readers/the fandom did less of when it comes to fanfiction?

[bogkeep]

boy oh boy

the other day i looked at my dad's facebook just to like, make a vibe check. prepare myself for what i might have to deal with when visiting. i scrolled through miles of unhinged ramblings about this food additive they give dairy cows that reduce methane emissions. which sounds great to me!!! unfortunately my dad is buying into all kinds of climate change conspiracy theories, and i suppose this hits close to home since he was a dairy farmer in a past life, so said unhinged ramblings are allll about how farmers and politicians alike are being bought by Big Climate and how [milk corporation] is TAMPERING with nature's PERFECT EVOLUTION (something farmers have never done ever) that has been perfected through MILLIONS OF YEARS (citation needed). and ALSO the chemicals make the milk WORSE!!!!!!

and like, i think it's worth questioning the decisions corporations might make for the sake of money, and if concerns had been raised by any people whose opinions i trust, and not my Verified Climate Change Denier father............ my family members who are still practicing dairy farmers haven't made a single post about this. wikipedia has a conspiracy theory section on their page for the food additive. i think it's fairly safe to say this is not the big issue my dad makes it seem.

ANYWAY. i am visiting my parents. my dad proudly declared he has unsubscribed from the farmer's magazine he has been subscribed to for over forty years, just because they have been writing articles in support of the food additive. then my parents had to explain Why to me, which is funny for two reasons:

1) it was mostly to explain why they've switched to a different milk brand, which produces local and - shudders - ECOLOGICAL milk. they didn't want me to get the wrong idea.

2) my brother works for the [big milk corporation] as an automatician. he sometimes brings back dairy products that were mislabeled or otherwise free for the taking. i asked if they're okay with the products he brings back. "of course, we're not EXTREMISTS"

i nod and say nothing. it's not worth getting into debates over milk conspiracies.

[karuframe]

How has your 1999 adventure been going Karu?

I don't think I appreciated the quest enough when I was playing through it the first time but I heard there's an alternate ending so I'm ready to go full in! :D I'm so obsessed with login in daily and talking to my little guys, so far I've been doing well with everyone BUT Arthur who I'm kind of pissing off on purpose (Quincy solidarity, but also it's a funny dynamic to have, I will pamper him eventually but for now he's getting calculators and snark). Aoi is so damn sweet I love her and always chat with her first so she knows she comes first!!! Whether we dat eor not!! Amir is A LOT and I want him to find someone who is not me 😂 Lettie I thought will be my choice before the quest but while I sitll love her, I have some other options now (I would take her as my right hand woman any day though!!). Eleanor is quite lovely to chat with, but I have no intentions to date her. Quincy I just can't wait to get to the part where his put-up shallow confidence falls because he either A) can't deal with actual feelings from me or from himself, or B)he opens up and doesn't brush it off or plays it tough, I NEED TO IMAGINE THE MAN WITH GLASSY EYES READY TO CRY, HE'D BE SO PRETTY. It's very funny to flirt with him, i take it as a competitive flirting, but also I tried to humble him once and he does NOT like being confronted with being wrong lol, no apologies from Quincy!

I wish we got to choose our date but also were able to mix and match the other Hex :') i love npc/npc and dont really like pc/npc, only do it right now to see how these characters react romantically, but i have to like...disconnect myself from the self-insert 😅

[everestgale]

jumping onto the opinion bandwagon. (that phrase alone might probably render my anonymity pointless but oh well.)

fucking amazing. in general.

no but you have such a distinct artstyle??? and your designs are so iconic and ESPECIALLY THE UPDATED VERSIONS??? DUDE there is so plainly so much thought put into those little sillies like that's clear enough, especially with those rambles you sent like they're so fun to read. in general, you have a pretty dang prominent presence among the community and are just all-around quite admirable.

it's nice to see someone actually having fun doing what they like. even if the rest of that someone's life is something we don't really know much about, at least it's amazing when they're actually passionate about the work they show us and are completely genuine about it. yeah you seem like that someone

i can't say anything without just regurgitating what the other anons have said so far lmao. but yeah, major shoutout to how chill you've been so far. and another major shoutout to the drawing everyone's voice designs thing, because that must have made a lot of peoples' days. we all love when you draw our voice designs. and our voice designs probably appreciate the kindness shown when others draw them, because their own artists aren't exactly treating them the best half the time lolol.

another major shoutout because you're cool

yeah that's it idk what to say

Thank you so much!!! For everything, for all your kind words and compliments, and for writing out such a nice message!! ❤️

I don't know if I would say I have a prominent presence in the community though (I'm too new myself for that to be the case), but it is nice to know that there's someone who thinks so, I'm having a lot of fun making art and hanging out in this community!! It's easy to be passionate and share my passion around here, and I hope to make it easy for other people, too <3

I genuinely love and adore this game, genuinely love and adore this community, and I hope to keep making more art and other projects for this community! And in fact, I'll share a little secret, I do have a quite large project in the works regarding that... the plan was to have it done just in time for New Years but, uh, that might be ambitious. We will see though, at the latest, it should be done sometime in January :]

Anyways! Thank you for all the shoutouts and all the kind words <3

(Also it's funny that you added that note at the beginning, because it's pretty much everything else but that phrase that (at least I think) made me recognize you lol)

Hope you have a great rest of your day though, and thanks again ❤️

[canisalbus]

So i remember an ask mentioning your mortal enemy, Felis Atra and their cats, and i thought it'd be fun to draw what Felis Atra's version of your italian dogs would be.

I think they would be called Butter Knife and Flamengo! Butter Knife is not his real name, it's an nickname given by his peers because of how harmless he is. I choose Flamengo because that's the name of Vasco's rival football team here in Brazil, so i thought that was the perfect name :)

Cat Machete was slightly inspired by the Oriental Shorthair cat because of their long noses and thin head shape.

Cat Vasco was inspired by the Scottish Fold cat, because FLOPPY EARS. I gave Flamengo longer ears and orange fur to make him more like his look-alike.

The last doodle is a reference to this ask (https://canisalbus.tumblr.com/post/728923918314946560/me-i-am-machete-ear-fan-number-1-those-ears) and contains the tumblr ask stand-in dog, whose cat version was inspired by the American Curl cat! They have round ears that are slightly floppy outwards.

Final notes: I know cardinal clothes don't come in vibrant blue, but i was ADAMANT on switching Machete's and Vasco's clothing color patterns. I would draw the rest of Butter Knife's and Flamengo's clothes, but i suck at designing cool outfits.

Speaking of outfits, for Machete's iconic void outfit, i figured it would be fun to make it more baggy for Butter Knife, in contrast to Machete's, that looks very tight-fitted. I think it's cute, it kinda looks like a sweater. Also i can't imagine a Machete doppelganger without high heels boots, so those HAD to stay.

Oh, and just to be clear, i'm not like, claiming ownership of these guys or anything. I just thought it would be a fun exercise. Hope you like them!! I love your art and your characters.

.

[bacchuschucklefuck]

pygmalion and galatea for aroace people

you should tell your friends what I look like, riz gukgak.

[deoidesign]

Quick re-do of a 4 year old piece

[greatestjubilee]

bleh

[scificrows]

Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.

Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):

In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.

It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]

The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]

Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]

In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]

In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]

Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.

[hopeswriting]

daily life arc miura haru. does anyone know who i'm talking about. do you guys remember her. i still can't believe what happened to her 😔

[dootznbootz]

Menelaus rambles a lot about not only Helen, but also Hermione. About how she used to say Olive like "Olifs". How she lost her first tooth running too fast and running into a low branch while out with Helen. How he'd sometimes wake up to Hermione leaning over him and poking his face to say, "Dad, can we go see the horses?" even though it was barely daylight. How she was much nicer waking Helen and how he thinks Hermione did that on purpose because she found "dad's face funny". How her favorite color was every color.

And Odysseus listens.

And he thinks about how his son only had a few teeth coming in when he left, teething on everything. How he could only say one syllable with his babbles. How his son needed balance to stand but Odysseus was so proud that Telemachus was very good at rolling over. How his son loved pulling at his and Penelope's hair.

How his son would be talking, walking, maybe even lost his first tooth by now. And he doesn't even know if he'll ever know his son's favorite color.