#Neurodiverse Couples Counseling

[togetherdiverse]

Together Diverse - Neurodiverse Couples Counseling

Together Diverse's Neurodiverse Couples Counseling demonstrates the strength of unity in variety. Our specialist therapy services are designed for couples navigating neurodiversity, with the notion that every relationship is unique and deserves support. Whether it's autism, ADHD, or another neurological issue, our professional therapists take a collaborative and nonjudgmental approach to assisting couples in their journey together. We help partners improve their communication, empathy, and mutual support by combining empathy, understanding, and evidence-based strategies. Together Diverse believes that embracing neurodiversity in partnerships strengthens the bonds of love and connection. Contact Us as we explore deeper understanding, strength, and connection in neurodiverse partnerships.

[drdemonprince]

I know you've talked about this before but I still want to ask your advice or thoughts about my situation. First, I'm having a hard time in my relationship and it's at the point that I am thinking going to couple's counseling or therapy or something is the only option. For context, this is a big decision for me because for a long time I have not considered it as an option, due to my lack of trust/faith that I'd be able to find someone in my area with availability covered by my insurance or that we could afford, that understands all of our intersections and stuff. Both me and my wife have been to therapy before, in the past and separately (not for relationship stuff) and it was meh. not great not terrible. Our intersections include: interracial (i'm white, she is Black), legally married, neurodivergent (i am DX-adhd, she is self-dx autistic. i ID as neurodivergent), both transmasculine nonbinary lesbians on T, polyamorous, anticapitalist and critical of psych (i don't really know the right word but i'm a follower of you and jesse meadows). i want a kid someday but she's not so sure. we both identify as disabled, from a mix of physical things and mental things. we're in a liberal and very white region. we are struggling to talk to one another and interact without blowing up in fights, we need help. but i don't know if i can trust anyone to give us advice or to help and also understand who we are and our different backgrounds. i don't know how honest we should be? what kind of keywords or descriptions we should keep an eye out for when searching for a professional? what are your thoughts? any advice or tips? i want to be careful (there's definitely no interest or need to do autism diagnosis for either of us. we know who we are and prof-dx will not do anything for us accommodation-wise) and i want to repair our relationship.

This advice is more or less advice I've covered before, but I will personalize it a little bit to your situation.

If I were in your situation, I would hop on over to Psychology Today's therapist finder, and use the advanced search options, and filter for couple's counselors who have identified themselves as competent in issues of racial identity (I think that's the tag psych today uses for it, or whatever the equivalent is), and LGBTQ issues. You can also put in your insurance info and filter for that as well.

From the list that pops up, scan through and look for people whose profiles and bios sound like they have potential, and come up with an initial list of say, three to five options that sound promising. Oversample, if you will, from therapists who are Black. I think it's really hard to discuss racial intersections in a relationship with a white therapist. Very very few of them are even remotely competent or even comfortable discussing the topic.

Then, reach out to those 3-5 therapist and really grill them. Ask them what they know about neurodiversity. Ask them about their therapeutic style. Ask them about how critiques of capitalism and principles of anti-racism and queer liberation inform their practice. Ask them about what their work with couples looks like. Tell them about a few of the specific issues you and partner face and ask whether they have expertise in those (for example, if they are experienced in working with couples who aren't on the same page about having kids). If they do not have answers or are defensive about even being asked about the work you will be paying them handsomely to do, kick em to the curb. They work for you. You shouldn't hire someone who won't do the work you want to do or who will do it shittily.

If none of the initial 3-5 are remotely good, start over. You may not find any who are good. This is because psychology was not created to serve either of you. Anyone who would be a good therapist for you would be an exception to what psychology is and is built to do. So as you continue your search, have conversations about what will happen if you cannot find a couple's therapist. I'd give it three rounds of searching, and maybe at least two attempts with an actual counselor if you can find any that seem remotely bearable.

But that's only if both you and your partner are fully invested in this process. If your partner is already checked out or disinterested or they don't feel good about any of the options, do not make them go. That can get really nasty really quickly, especially when only one person in the relationship is a person of color and they're the one who doesn't want to be in the room.

[toad-counselling-ltd]

We understand that life can be challenging and that sometimes it can feel like there's no way out. We want you to know that we're here for you, and that things can and will get better with the help of counselling and psychotherapy.

At our practice, we have a team of fully qualified therapists who are experienced in working with adults, children, young people and couples. We also have an affordable option with our student therapists, who are undertaking their training and receiving regular supervision to ensure they are giving you the best support.

We work in person Face to Face, and or Online if preferred.

We strive to create a safe and inclusive environment for everyone, and our team recognises the importance of diversity and neurodiversity. Whether you're facing anxiety, depression, relationship issues, or any other challenge, our team is equipped to help you navigate through it all.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Don't hesitate to reach out to us today and take the first step towards a brighter future.

Goto www.toadcounselling.co.uk and self refer today

[pocketfullofoxes]

AuDHD Annotated Bibliography as of fall 2024. MH

Methodology

The purpose of this annotated bibliography is primarily to broaden the understanding of AuDHD literature and media that is publicly accessible for myself and other interested peeps. The formatting style originates from MLA with some differences based on my own preferences (and the fact I’m not in academia anymore so this is not being graded or peer reviewed). Organization of this AB has also been changed to my personal preferences.

I also want to say that this AB’s focus is primarily research/expression for adults. Some of the content is primarily for adults diagnosed/discovered their neurodiversity later in life. I acknowledge that there is a lot of content on social media (Instagram, tiktok, etm.) but I do not consider these sources to be open access because many of them require an account to view media and the rules around what content is allowed seems to be mercurial.

Posts on here that do not have blurbs mean that I have not fully read the content yet and is basically TBR. If you have an open access media you would like to be added to this list please feel free to contact me and I will evaluate it for addition!

Blog posts

“Support for dual diagnosis (autism + adhd).” Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/audhd Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

Audience is significant other of someone who has AuDHD and new AuDHDers (adults). They sometimes cite their sources and do not use the disease-based model. They use multimedia – pictures, videos, as well as written. The venn diagram is not as good as Dr. Neff’s. Explanation of co-occurrances between ADHD and autism does not feel fleshed out. *they do not cite the studies they discuss in the section of how pregnancy could be connected to autism.

I appreciated that under treatment approaches they say expressly “Please know that the goal of behavior therapy must NOT be to turn you into a neurotypical person. It is to help you find ways to cope while living in an allistic world and be TRUE TO YOURSELF!” [italics in original].

*Clarified that autism and adhd could not be dual diagnosis until publication of DSM 5 which acknowledges the wide range of symptoms clients can experience.

ADDitude Editors "'A living contradiction:' the AuDHD experience" ADDitude, https://www.additudemag.com/audhd-autism-adhd-experience/ Accessed 4 Sept. 2024

Relatively brief, sources cited. Anecdotes from people's lived experience having autism and ADHD. There are a nice variety of perspectives-- some people talk about adhd conflicting with autism, others find that they compliment each other. One anecdote is from the mother of an AuDHD child, multiple anecdotes from people diagnosed later in life.

Hinze, Emma, et al. “Understanding AuDHD strengths.” Attwood & Garnett Events https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/what-is-the-neurodiversity-affirming-movement/ Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

References cited. Provides a list of strengths as well as misconceptions about AuDHD. Website appears to be informative- has posts on the neurodiversity-affirming movement, autism in women and girls, autism and ptsd in adults, etc. Also host master classes for “professionals, parents and those on the spectrum.”

Peer Reviewed Articles

Craddock, Emma “Being a woman is 100% significant to my experiences of ADHD and autism: Exploring the gendered implications of an adulthood AuDHD diagnosis.” Qualitative Health Research, 2024. https://www.open-access.bcu.ac.uk/15499/1/QHR_final_accepted_version_190424.pdf Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

This article discusses the gendered omission of women and girls from autism and adhd diagnoses and the theoretical and practical implications of the co-occuring conditions. This research aims to “bridge the gap” since previously late diagnosed ADHD and late diagnosed autism have been researched but not both together.

This study was among 6 participants who were white women between the ages of 34-55 in the UK. Two had PhDs, four worked full-time and two were unemployed. The study used Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA) and interviews were conducted via email, which was a much more autistic-friendly approach.

Some women identified being weird and also having to perform femininity, learning to be social was considered important but could be somewhat overlooked if the woman performed well in school. Women internalized their experiences and masked for normalcy as well as femininity. Some said that due to autistic inability to read social queues or adhd inattention to situations could lead to bullying and later SA. Gendered masking weighed heavily on women due to sensory sensitivities such as wearing bras, high heels, and other clothes they wore to mimic other women’s style of dress. One woman said that she had trouble advocating for herself, her coworkers and boss did not see her struggles so it felt like a burden to let others around her know that she was not doing well. All participants said being undiagnosed was a traumatizing experience, that they knew they were different but not knowing why led to negative self judgement. The women also said that there was a lack of post-diagnosis support, leaving them to process the information by themselves.

*I liked that it touched on - barriers around AuDHD includes lack of descriptive language to this day. Women are often dismissed when trying to get diagnosed and are diagnosed later than men. A woman with a diagnosis often dismissed when she states that she is AuDHD or otherwise neurodivergent.

Craddock, Emma “Raising the voices of AuDHD women and girls: Exploring the co-occuring conditions of autism and ADHD.” Disability & Society vol. 39, no. 8, pp. 2161-2165, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/09687599.2023.2299342 Accessed 29 Aug 2024

Hamilton, Inga “An Autistic Aesthetic of Connectivity.” Ought: The Journal of Autistic Culture, vol. 5, iss. 2., 2024. https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1169&context=ought Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

McKay, Erin, et al. “Proactive inhibitory control as a cognitive contributor to social difficulties in adolescents with ADHD traits.” Neurodiversity, vol. 2, pp. 1-13. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/27546330241258329 Accessed 29 Aug 2024.

This article looks at social difficulties between people with ADHD, people with ADHD with social difficulties, autistic people, and a small set of people with AuDHD. The conclusion of this article (that was most interesting to me) was that social difficulties are subtly different between people with ADHD and people with Autism. The subset of individuals with AuDHD they include because of their own interest and the authors note that the group with AuDHD is very small as a limitation.

Rosqvist, Hanna Bertilsdotter, et al. “Naming ourselves, becoming neurodivergence scholars.” Disability & Society, 2023. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2023.2271155 Accessed 29 August 2024.

Websites

Neff, Megan Anna, Neurodivergent Insights https://neurodivergentinsights.com/

Some things are behind a paywall but has good blog posts and nice venn diagrams of what traits overlap between different neurodiversities. Author identifies as AuDHD, discussed in some blog posts. Some posts are also about mental illness, appreciate the intersection. Cites sources.

Ought: The Journal of Autistic Culture. https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/ought/

This peer-reviewed journal (obviously) focuses on autistic experiences, it includes pieces and articles from/about people with other neurodivergent experiences including AuDHD. 

[meritpsychologypt]

Merit Psychology Group, A Professional Psychology Corporation

Address:

4625 First St Ste 255

Pleasanton, CA 94566

Phone: (650) 960-5150

Email: admin@meritpsychology.com

Website: https://meritpsychology.com/pleasanton-therapy/

Description: Merit Psychology Group is a professional psychology corporation located in Pleasanton, California offering psychological assessment and mental health therapy services to support neurodiverse youth and adults in Alameda County and the entire Bay Area. Our therapists are trained in evidence-based and empirically validated therapies and specialize in psychoeducational & psychological assessment including ADHD/ADD, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), and mental health evaluations, forensic assessment including PTSD and VAWA, counseling & psychotherapy including Gottman-informed couples therapy, and occupational therapy including sensory and neuromotor therapy. Merit Psychology Group therapists are diverse and proud allies of LGBTQIA+.

Keywords: Psychologist in Pleasanton, Therapist in Pleasanton, Therapy in Pleasanton, Mental Health Therapy in Pleasanton

Hours: Mon: 10 AM–5 PM, Tue - Wed: Closed, Thu - Fri: 9 AM–5 PM, Sat: 3PM–5 PM, Sun: Closed

Starting year of the business: 2022

Number of Employee: 7

Payment Method: Insurance, cash, credit card, debit card

Google : https://goo.gl/maps/W1NNNrSVTDceDqXN9

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100095152990694

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/meritpsychology/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/merit-psychology-group-a-professional-psychology-corporation/

[mentalhealthquestions]

"Navigating Neurodiversity in Relationships: Online Counselling for Acceptance"

Navigating relationships can be complex, and when neurodiversity is a factor, it brings unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Neurodiversity refers to the natural variation in neurological traits and abilities, including conditions such as autism, ADHD, and more. Online counselling provides a supportive and inclusive platform for individuals in neurodiverse relationships to enhance understanding, communication, and acceptance. In this blog, we will explore the importance of acknowledging neurodiversity in relationships, the benefits of online counselling, and how it can foster acceptance and harmony.

Understanding Neurodiversity in Relationships

Neurodiversity adds a layer of diversity to relationships, challenging traditional norms while celebrating unique strengths:

Differing Perspectives: Neurodiverse individuals may have distinct perspectives and ways of processing information, which can lead to misunderstandings.

Communication Styles: Varied communication styles may require partners to adapt and find effective ways of connecting.

Sensory Sensitivities: Sensory sensitivities might influence environments, activities, and preferences in the relationship.

Emotional Expression: Neurodiverse individuals may express emotions differently, requiring partners to recognize and interpret these expressions.

Benefits of Online Counselling for Neurodiverse Relationships

Customized Support: Online counselling offers tailored guidance and strategies based on the unique dynamics of each neurodiverse relationship.

Non-Judgmental Environment: The online platform provides a safe space to discuss challenges without fear of judgment or stigma.

Effective Communication: Therapists equip partners with tools to navigate communication differences and foster deeper understanding.

Empathy Building: Counselling encourages both partners to develop empathy and appreciation for each other's perspectives.

Collaborative Problem-Solving: Therapists facilitate collaborative problem-solving, helping couples address challenges and find mutually beneficial solutions.

Promoting Acceptance Through Online Counselling

Select an Inclusive Platform: Choose an online counselling platform that emphasizes inclusivity and specializes in supporting neurodiverse individuals and relationships.

Set Relationship Goals: Collaborate with your therapist to set goals that prioritize mutual understanding, respect, and acceptance.

Educate and Learn: Participate in educational sessions where partners can learn about neurodiversity and its impact on relationships.

Enhance Communication Skills: Work with therapists to develop effective communication skills that bridge potential gaps in understanding.

Cultivate Empathy: Therapists guide partners in practicing empathy, allowing them to see the relationship from each other's perspectives.

Conclusion

Neurodiversity enriches relationships by highlighting the beauty of differences and fostering growth. Online counselling serves as a valuable resource, offering a safe and supportive space for neurodiversity couples to enhance communication, understanding, and acceptance. By embracing the guidance of skilled therapists, partners can navigate the complexities of neurodiversity with compassion and empathy. Through online counselling, neurodiversity relationships embark on a journey of mutual growth, creating bonds that celebrate uniqueness and fortify the foundations of acceptance, love, and harmony.

[annarborcounselingservices]

Neurodiverse Couples Therapy

Are you in a neurodiverse partnership? A neurodiverse partnership is a relationship in which at least one person is neurodiverse, meaning their brain develops or processes information differently.

All partnerships, whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, experience difficulties at times. We are providing information about common obstacles in neurodiverse relationships, with the hopes of normalizing the difficulties experienced. AACA offers couples therapy including counseling for partners looking to navigate the topics discussed.

Learning and Thinking Differences that Impact Communication in a Relationship

Misinterpretation of Communication

Have you ever thought “wow they are being mean and bossy for no reason”? Sometimes a person can be perceived as mean or bossy when they are trying to communicate in a direct and clear manner.

Misunderstanding of Subtext

A person may not understand the underlying meaning that is implied when their partner is using sarcasm, humor, or a broad request.

Differing Interpretations and Methods of Completing Household tasks

Difficulties in communicating household chores and what completion of those chores looks like.

Difficulty Communicating Sensory Needs

A person could recoil and appear to be grossed out by their partner’s touch depending on their sensory needs in the moment. These sensory needs are not connected to how much they care for and love their partner.

Obstacles that may occur in Neurodiverse Partnerships

Viewing Symptoms as a Choice

The viewpoint that symptoms are a choice– can lead to the false perception that someone who is neurodivergent is not putting in “enough effort”. Coping skills and task/time-management strategies are helpful in managing symptoms but it is not realistic to expect symptoms to go away permanently.

Destructive Symptom Response Cycle

Viewing symptoms as a choice can sometimes lead to a Destructive Symptom Response Cycle. This involves one partner experiencing a symptom, their partner responding to the symptom, and the person experiencing symptoms responding to their partner’s response. (Check out the graphic below for an example)

Expectations derived from our own Experiences

As humans we tend to conceptualize other people’s behaviors and motives based on our own experiences, and how our brain works. However, other people are not you–they do not know what you are expecting without clear and direct communication.

Do not expect a person to be you. When another person’s expectations are placed on someone who isn’t them, it can result in that person feeling guilty and bad about themselves.

Variable Attention

This may look like excitement and interest during courtship and dating. Yet, when the relationship is no longer new, their attention shifts and their partner experiences that shift as well. This change in attention can be misinterpreted as a lack of caring or decrease in romantic interest.

If you and your partner are looking to navigate through any of the difficulties mentioned above–Contact AACA to schedule a Couples Counseling Appointment

Resources:

Collaboration with Clinicians at AACA–Check out Our Therapists page to learn more about our therapists clinical backgrounds.

[aerial-aspie]

An Autistic Point of View 24

Hi there! It's Hazel and welcome to another episode of my blog.

So I've been struggling to focus at school these last few weeks, I've always been watching the clock, feeling bored and letting my thoughts drift away to things that are distracting. After getting in contact with my learning mentor, we believe I'm struggling because of burnout because I don't have enough time to relax.

You'll understand why this happened if I show you what my week has looked like for the past couple of weeks:

I sleep anywhere between 9:30-10:30pm till 7am on weekdays and later on weekends.

Monday - School till 3pm, then relax

Tuesday - School till 2pm, then go to counselling, then go to piano lessons

Wednesday - School till 4pm, circus btec from 5-9pm

Thursday - School till 4pm, then relax

Friday - School till 2pm, then drive to the location of the university open day

Saturday - Go to a university open day and come home (normally arrive home around 8-9pm)

Sunday - Relax all day

It's quite full on and I work for an hour solid in each free period and am very strict on myself about not working so I keep constantly going to the point I can't continue.

I'm also growing increasingly over tired, I'm sleeping in more, missing my alarms and having barely any time in the morning to watch the news before cycling to school.

In the end, I think I've over worked myself a bit too much and it's not like I have October half term to relax, I still have piano lessons going on for a recital in November, an assembly on the Holocaust for my Lessons From Auschwitz project and a talk to plan to people about being a neurodiverse child. It's busy...

But I'm hoping I'll at least be able to somewhat recuperate my energy. But definitely not this weekend, I'm doing two university visits this weekend, followed by sixth form assessment week. I really have no time.

But that's it for today! Thanks for reading ! See you next time!

[foldingpaperflowers]

Couples counseling was dumb. The supposed "expert in neurodiverse couples" wouldnt let my bf actually explain what he was thinking. She repeted the same 3 sentances over and over for most of the session. Then for LITERALLY THE LAST 5 MINS she wouldnt stop saying how much she supports black lives matter even though she'll never understand the struggles they go through.

Like no joke, she interrupted me to start explaining her support for the movement. We both thought she'd be done after she made her point but instead she charged us $13.50 to tell us what a great job theyre doing

[valianttheoristgardener]

Dating on the Autism Spectrum  Notes for Neurotypical Partners

Reality TV dating shows have had a few controversies like The Bachelor, but it seems like audiences have not dismissed them just yet. When it feels like you’re sidestepping your way through a minefield, they can’t move forward with you. Need real help or feel like you’re a victim? Both of these steps can be skipped and returned to later if you would like to. You can be compassionate, but make sure your relationship can sustain it and thrive. Focus on each other and make time to be fully present when you are spending time together. It uses personality-based matching to deliver hand-picked matches daily, making it a good option if you have a busy schedule without time to spend trawling dating sites. While all of these sites are worthwhile, we would say the two best ones are Eharmony and Amolatina. 7. All-consuming: They say they love you right away, and even if you’re not there yet, it only matters that you satisfy their needs.

Someone might say they need you, but you’re not their mother, nurse, or housekeeper. If someone expresses love before they know you, it’s not a solid emotional response. 1. Isolation: They only want to be with you, and while that might sound flattering, they also encourage you to cut ties with friends and family. While it is true to a certain extent that men prefer women to have a great many other qualities that are higher in men looking for partners in life. While walking through grief is a necessary pain for healing, some people get stuck and won’t move on. Grief and mourning are heavy stages to go through when dating a widower. Red flags can include shouldering some of their overwhelming grief. Examples of dating red flags are: Talking only about themselves, avoiding difficult conversations, gossiping about their ex, and withholding affection.. דירות דיסקרטיות בחיפה  Not everyone enjoys getting their photo taken or talking about themselves, but that’s necessary on a dating app. 4. The disbelieving: They may still be hurting, and that’s understandable, but if their fear of being hurt or left again is damaging their ability to trust, that insecurity acts like an impenetrable wall against intimacy with you.

Ostensibly this was done to remove the mold seam rim "bump" that was sometimes left by earlier machines - an action which may have helped facilitate better sealing with crown caps, screw-thread caps, or similar closures which sealed on the rim of the finish. 14. Controlling Behavior: It can be painfully difficult to break up with someone you like (or may even think you love), but controlling behavior that’s left unchecked can escalate into verbal or physical abuse. Stars like Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Lopez and Olivia Culpo have a thing for athletic men and they’re not alone. By dating mindfully, you will have the opportunity to learn more about yourself and others and grow in your exploration and through your experiences. 2. The self-hater: Some people will admit they’re trouble before they do anything wrong to you. 8. Ever-changing: You’re never good enough, and they’re always trying to change you. The stats are in-and they’re not great. We are an online dating company that offers matchmaking as a service. What Is a Dating Red Flag? If a red flag appears more than once, it’s important to take note before the relationship goes too far.

If a red flag appears more thanRed flags in the early stages of dating can be subtle or obvious. What are some red flags for dating widowers? Dating red flags can reveal themselves through a negative sign or action, a verbal or physical cue, or the hint of a personality flaw, and they can be dangerous if not spotted early. Couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in helping neurodiverse couples can really help you both become more self-aware and understand each other’s wants and needs. Detailed profiles also allow you the opportunity to know more about someone before making or accepting correspondence. SilverSingles(opens in a new tab) is here to let you know you're not alone, and that putting yourself back out there doesn't have to be scary. If you are looking for a serious match in no time, the Aisle 'Concierge' is the best Sima Aunty you can ever have. It’s acceptable to need time, but they can’t keep being afraid to be seen with you. Approaching dating in this way will help to keep you aware, open, and present throughout the process and beyond. But online, “context is lacking and the price of rejection is low, so we keep reaching for the stars,” says Paul Eastwick, an associate professor of psychology and relationship researcher at the University of California at Davis.

[togetherdiverse]

Together Diverse - Neurodiverse Couples Therapy Online

Together Diverse's Neurodiverse Couples Therapy Online. Our tailored online therapy programs are designed to meet the needs of neurodiverse couples, offering a secure and welcoming virtual setting for profound therapy. Our skilled psychologists offer individualized treatment to improve interaction, fortify emotional files, and promote resilience. They are skilled in negotiating the complexities of neurological diversity. If tackling particular issues or looking for ways to fortify relationships, our online platform ensures ease of use and access. Select Together Diverse for neurologically diverse couples therapy that fosters peace and understanding among the partners in the privacy of your own home. They offer an innovative and caring approach.

[atypical-mind]

Sarah Swenson:

“ADDRESSING THE TRAGIC DANCE IN COUPLES COUNSELING

The autistic person can learn in counseling that his behavior has the effect of invalidating his partner’s emotional life. He can come to understand that even though he does not intend to inflict such pain, the effect is real. Her dismayed and perhaps argumentative behavior is how a neurotypical person might justifiably respond to what feels like manipulative behavior from someone else. She is not trying to criticize him. She is trying to express her pain.

More often than not, this realization is met with deep remorse and often guilt. In time, he can learn to understand his own way of being in the world without judging himself harshly as being wrong or defective, because that is not the correct metric. Emotional support for him is key to his growth in this area.

The neurotypical partner can learn, first and foremost, that her response to feeling manipulated is normal. Her pain and confusion are normal. They are valid. She must be allowed to acknowledge and heal her wounds, because it doesn’t matter whether she was stabbed intentionally or inadvertently: she is still bleeding.

The second step, though, is to begin to understand that her autistic partner is not trying to hurt her; instead, what she experiences as manipulation is his way of trying to reduce omnipresent anxiety, which usually derives from a lifelong experience of not quite getting things right when it comes to understanding someone else’s emotions. She needs emotional support in order to move forward. At the same time, she also has to come to terms with the fact that her partner’s way of offering this support may not align with her idea of what that support must look like.

The way to view communication in a neurodiverse couple, or any couple, is in terms of its effectiveness. This is the only metric that matters. It’s not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. The goal of communication is mutual understanding. In order to improve communication skills and strategies, recognizing differences with an effort to respect them without judgment becomes the foundation for growth in the relationship.

When I work with couples, we concentrate on slowing down conversational speed, considering linguistics and the formal logic of argument, and identifying the emotional subtext and context inherent in communication. It takes time. It takes practice. It is not always successful. When it is, it can be described as a process of two steps forward and one step back as two parallel lives learn to build bridges between two lines that will never completely merge.

Learning to trust deeply after years of being hurt, having the faith that being vulnerable one more time might be worth the risk, accepting that one’s interpretation of another’s behavior may not be the same as that person’s intent: these are the challenges.

It can’t be gaslighting without the intent to manipulate. Regardless, it can feel like gaslighting. Education about neurodiversity, skilled counseling, and communication in renewed mutual respect create the tools for interrupting this revolving door.”

[memorylang]

Adventures in America, the Beautiful | #46 | October 2020

With Thanksgiving 2020 here at the time of writing, I reflect with gratitude on adventures I've enjoyed this year in America. Not even a global pandemic keeps me from finding moments to love and to share. 

In these tales, I bring you on journeys around America's West! 

As a Peace Corps Volunteer, I’d often received questions from community members asking me about my country, the States. It's so big with such diverse people from diverse places. One of my favorite aspects of America is its national and state parks. Of the former, I'd said in an interview, "These are bastions of treasured beauty." 

Like my earlier October 2020 story, today's tale highlights many months! The pandemic has led me back to parks as a physically distant way to enjoy our nation's wonders with minimal risk. I loved how even within the States, one can travel just a fraction of the country to feel in someplace unique. I’ll share about journeys to natural places in Nevada, Arizona, Utah, California and Oregon. 

May 2020 with Relatives and National Parks

My youngest brother, who’d turned 18 in November, graduated high school as my last sibling. To commemorate the occasion, an uncle and aunt on our dad’s side who were also my sisters’ godparents flew from Kansas into Vegas to see us. 

Our relatives always brought such goofy cheer. When my siblings and I were little, they'd take us on adventures or out to eat at places where our parents usually didn’t. As we grew up, these began to include national parks trips. I felt so excited. 

The last time our relatives had visited when I was stateside, they visited when I was graduating college. At that time, they'd invited my younger siblings on a trip to parks I wanted to see, but I didn’t get to go. They might have thought that I was busy, packing and goodbyes. They were probably right, though I really love a good trip. 

Well, with the pandemic, my time’s been freer, so I felt grateful to get to come! 

With Memorial Day in Week 12 (May 22–28), we witnessed distant stars and trees hundreds-of-years-old at Great Basin National Park (Nev.), hiked by towering cacti in Saguaro (Ariz.) and saw epic rock formations of Capitol Reef (Utah). As usual, I took copious photos. 

In Arizona, we also visited the family of another of Dad's siblings, who’d moved there. Our aunt had just received her doctoral degree! I felt reassured about grad school aspirations. A cousin and uncle were kind as ever, too. 

Overall, I loved the trip and our conversations. My siblings and I had this wild time when we drove in an area so remote that it reminded me of Mongolia. (Eek!) In many ways, I'd still felt centered in Mongolia, just visiting the States. After all, I’d only been back a couple months.  

Pentecost into June

The next week we had Pentecost, so I reflected on joys and renewals God brought through travels with family. Behind the Holy Triduum and Incarnation, I tend to consider Pentecost my favorite Christian holiday. I love how despite our shortcomings, God renews us to keep striving. 2020's Pentecost Monday fell on the fourth anniversary to when I decided I'd start journaling. 

In the following week, I spent my days cleaning through the garage while rewarding myself on mornings with treadmill walks and attempts through a sister’s copy of “Fire Emblem: Three Houses.” Week 14 (June 5–11) ended with Dad’s announcement that he’d married his fiancée, and shortly after I returned to Reno, Nev. 

June Memories, Reno and Abroad

During Week 14 (June 5–11), while helping my sister and our friend move into the new house in Reno, I felt a sense of how my primary identity have changed over my life. 

With my black sandals, blue jeans and pine/mint green flannel, I felt back in Shanghai. In elementary school, I grew up feeling like a Midwestern American. In junior high and high school, I felt like an Asian American. And by uni, I felt more like a Catholic, Chinese American. Nowadays, though, I feel more like just an American, part of a diverse whole.

When I think about (or people ask me about) places where I might like to live, Shanghai often comes to mind. Though, I feel like given time, I'd like Taipei plenty, too. To my delight, the week after, a friend treated me to local Taiwanese food. 

I insist, studying abroad is among the most important activities in which an undergraduate can participate. I suppose this is why, even as a Peace Corps Volunteer, I helped locals and others any time they expressed interest in studying outside their countries. 

Moments like these made me realize, perhaps I hadn’t readjusted back to the States much. 

Counseling, August 2020 

Mental health is a theme of my Honors College alma mater’s 2020-21 academic year. Week 23 (Aug. 7–13) ended with me finally getting a chance to use Peace Corps’ mental health readjustment sessions. I got to see a psychologist and chat about the communications challenges within my family and neurodiversity. 

We sat outside at a Starbucks table. At one point, the counselor gestured me to look around, taking in the many around us talking and going by, the cars on the nearby main road, those stopping and starting in the parking lot and entering the drive-through. The counselor described how we’re surrounded by people who struggle to wholeheartedly listen to each other. 

My counselor mentioned that sometimes the best choice we can make is to leave those who bring us down, even if they’re our loved ones.

He’d asked how accepting my immediate family was of difference. I hesitated to answer. Still, I remembered my younger sister had been kinder to me in recent months. She’d been studying cognitive science as an undergrad, plus she’d studied in Greater China before the Hong Kong protests evacuated her home. I felt like she was an Ally. 

Since I mentioned that I’m Christian, the counselor still advised that I work on my weaknesses if I felt called to it. But, he insisted more that I remember the importance of grace. People do not change people. God changes people. 

On a trip to hike around Tahoe, I discussed my findings with my siblings. I've still a tricky time ahead. But, we’ve all tricky times to brave. Wholehearted vulnerability helps us. 

National Parks, North

I like the quote, "You must go on adventures to find out where you belong" (Sue Fitzmaurice). Years ago, my high school student council had a wall-sized poster with the quote, which I moved into our writing center after the event. Years later, I still consider adventures vital. 

I'd reconnected with friends who had been like mentors to me in high school and uni. Turns out that they've been doing national parks trips. One of the guys had a parks pass. I got an invite and brought my family friend! I recount now our inside joke-laden adventures. 

Californian Wonders, September 

The weekend starting Week 28 (Sept. 11–17), we saw Lassen Volcanic, Burney Falls and Tahoe’s Emerald Bay. Shockingly, we drove closer to the fires’ sources, but the national parks had better air quality than Reno. 

On the drive, my friends and I felt quite impressed any time we passed Smokey Bear labeling Today’s Fire Danger as “Very High” instead of the more common “Extreme.” To some degree, I wondered if apocalyptic skies resemble these. 

We witnessed a comically colossal number of national and state forests but also devastated areas. I felt awed to see trees that fires so recently blackened. The sights resembled what I imagined could be a setting fitting for a climactic battle between warriors of good and evil. We drove on. 

At Lassen Volcanic, we hiked the scenic Bumpass’ Hell trail. I enjoyed the trees then how Sulfur Works gashed the land. I spoke in Chinese with some folks from San Francisco! Overall, I enjoyed the freedom and exploration with my friends. My family friend brought rice balls, so we had those as our snack by Lassen’s an Emerald Lake. We didn’t find a Cathedral Rock, though. 

By sunset, we considered Burney Falls our journey’s highlight. Those colossal falls beneath the world had water pouring from seemingly every pore of the rocks. I loved the soaring trees and the feeling of fresh mist. I remembered a national forest park in Hunan, China, to which my relatives brought me in the summer of 2017. Here and there, we took many, many photos. 

Weed, California, and Beyond

Our stop in the college town for “higher learning,” Weed, Calif., was rather comical since the Air Quality Index was 336 (considered ‘hazardous’). But that night that will live in infamy, my friend and I really wanted to catch the legendary Pokémon, Cresselia. So, face masks on, we ventured beyond our motel to raid and capture it. My uni alma mater friend’s refrain about me: “fearless.” 

The next morning, we all wanted to see Crater Lake, but with reports of incredibly thick smoke, we accepted that this was not our time. Instead, we returned to Reno, rested, then the last morning visited Lake Tahoe’s Emerald Bay instead. 

I got to hug giant trees, which filled me with joy. I love towering trees. As another of my friends said, their “fat bottom[s] … make the rockin' world go 'round.” We enjoyed listening to Queen, the Beatles and Bon Jovi on our trip. 

Coming Home 

After the national parks adventures, I’d returned to Vegas. My luggage had returned from Mongolia, so I’d all my belongings once more. Sorting these and Mom’s old belongings, I listened to a Marie Kondo book. 

I also had more yard work to do, which gave me more time to reflect on my counselor’s advice to take time away from my family. Living away again could help. I noticed that I often enjoy working with people younger than me. I suppose this relates to my affinity for teaching, during which I usually spend time with young folks. Well, here’s a story. 

Pleasant Lil’ Story 

A warm Vegas day in Week 30 (Sept. 25–Oct. 1), I was out in the front yard here clipping our palm trees when a large red van approached and parked at my neighbor's. As I continued to work my way around the palms, my back to their yard, I overheard doors rolling back and adults asking children to take inside groceries. I recalled the years when my family was like this before I'd left for college. 

“What's your name?” came a high voice. I paused from my trimming and turned. I saw a short blonde girl sitting at the street curb in front of the house, hugging a watermelon. 

“Daniel,” I called. Turning back to the palms, I add, "And you?”

She replied her name, which had a long /ā/ sound. For privacy, I’ll refer to her as Rachel. She asked, “Do you have kids?” 

Turning to her, I smiled and said no—That's a funny question, I thought to myself. I just live here with my parents, but they're away, I explained. 

Still with the child in view, I continued to clip palms. I recalled my Peace Corps service. Children would often ask if I had a girlfriend, haha. Such wonderful curiosity, they have. 

Moments later, the girl called inquisitively, “Do you need some help?” 

Larger than a beachball looked the watermelon to which the girl's arms clung, so I doubted she could help much. Still, I'd little left to do. I thanked her but respectfully declined. 

She still sat at the curb, so I paused. I decided that I might as well chat. I asked how old she was. 8, I learned. She learned I'm 23. I smiled, commenting how it’s easier to remember a name like, “Rachel, eight,” than “Daniel, twenty-three.” The girl giggled. 

She went on to number her siblings. She had many. I numbered mine and included my step-siblings. So, she added her parents to prove her family's larger than mine. Ah, children... 

She said how her family's having a pool party today, adding that they have a pool. She felt excited because it was their first party. 

I worried a little given that we're in a pandemic, so I simply reminded her to stay safe. 

I imagined her family must be new here if this was their first party. I asked how long she's lived here. The girl scrunched her face with her head tilted up and turns toward the street, thinking. Then she turned back and said, about a year. 

Her house's front door opened, and a woman (perhaps her mother) appeared and called the girl inside. I smiled and waved to both, resuming my work on the palms. Turns out I'd gotten new neighbors during my Peace Corps service. 

More interesting to me, though, I felt touched by the girl's simplicity. No wonder we must be like children to enter the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 18:3). Children make better neighbors than us grown-ups. 

I’d shared this tale with a few friends later that afternoon, Sept. 26. But, I’d enjoyed this moment enough that I wanted it to come through in a blog story. May it brighten your way, whether you’re religious, spiritual or neither~ 

More on this in November! 

Oregonian Crater Lake in All Seasons

Not long after the encounter, I’d returned to Reno for my sister’s confirmation. Starting Week 32 (Oct. 9–15), my national parks friends and I reconvened for another parks weekend. We made this round 2 (and 3) seeking to see Oregon’s Crater Lake.

American weather is wild. When we first came back, not smoke but fog and rain obscured our view. On third and final try, wind and snow challenged our view. Still, we waited. At lucky moments, we glimpsed Wizard Isle within the volcanic crater’s center. We still hiked the epic mountain trail to Garfield Peak. I loved its pine snow, low clouds and whimsy of the outdoor adventure. This reminded me of a trip my siblings and I took this summer to hike near Tahoe. 

Amid our Crater Lake challenges, we’d hardly places at which to eat. Thankfully, the day when my friends at driven by my folks’ Reno home to pick me up, my Filipina stepmom was just finishing baking a cake. She insisted that we take the whole cake with us, which one of my friends, also Filipino, recognized as a familiar cultural thing. Well, Tita’s cake staved our starvation. 

One more note on diversity! Since my friends and I were traveling through more conservative areas of the county, we decided to watch FOX News. Admittedly we’re fairly liberal, but we value political opinions different from ours. With less than a month before our national elections and the president having just gotten COVID-19 the week before, Americans wondered about his health.

Familiar liberal ideas aren’t the only solutions, nor are they inherently the best ones. By mitigating my biases, I hope to more clearly recognize alternatives. Biblically, one might compare this to Luke 6:42—addressing our faults before faults of others. Well, the trip gave us quite a break from our norms!

My Own Space

After the weekend trip and Fall Retreat at my college parish, I returned to Vegas to continue the yard work and resettling in. Having more to do helped me to feel fulfilled.

Ever since I’d left home for uni during August 2015, I’d no longer had my own bedroom at my family’s house. For the past five years, any time I’d visited home, I’d slept in the guest room, on a living room couch or on beds of my siblings who were away. Even since my return from Peace Corps this has been the case. I suspect on some deeper level, this contributed to why in the months since I’d evacuated from Peace Corps, I still felt this sense that I’m abroad and not quite home. 

Well, with word late September that my oldest brother might move home with his girlfriend, the boys’ room would become their room. With our younger siblings in Los Angeles and Reno, that left another room open. So, I began to move into it for my remaining months in America.  

Fast-forwarding to early November, I’d brought out my warm thick blanket and felt a touch of my childhood. I hadn't slept with it in this house surely since high school. Dad had bought it in Afghanistan when he was gone, serving the U.S. Army National Guard there. 

My blanket’s depiction of the sun in the night became my symbol after Mom’s death. Mom had often called me a sunny boy. Though I’m a morning person, the blanket features too my favorite color, midnight blue. Amazing how these relate. 

Good stories are like many Psalms—They end on proverbial high notes.

Holiday Hope

I began October accepting that it may be my last month in the States for a while. I ended it realizing I may have coming some of the best three months in a while! 

A stay-inside pandemic Hallowe’en led up to remarkable national elections. The States had had record voter turnout. I think it's wonderful that in this nation people can seek justice when we have disputes. Our country's checks and balances keep society stable. 

In other joyful news, my oldest stepsister's son is due mid-December. I imagine his dad will say many a, "Luke ... I am your father." I know I would! Well, both my father and stepmother will be grandparents to grandsons. Since last year, I’d met my half-nephew, from December, I’ll have a step-nephew! Lovely indeed. 

And, although I consider driving among my most stressful activities, I’ve committed to retaking my permit test this December. For, I cannot let fears hold me back. I can embrace a fuller life. 

Alright, for November’s story, I’ll touch on the national elections and Thanksgiving. Pleasant times! Still, my heart goes out to Mongolia, where they had their first community transmissions of COVID-19. Prayers for acceptance. 

I wish you warm feelings this holiday and quote Bon Jovi (2020), “Although I'll keep my social distance, what this world needs is a hug.” 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)