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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years ago

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BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Grace Monroe & The Infinity Train on HBO Max

Disclaimer: Post includes spoilers and also, this viewer does not deem Infinity Train as a children's show and my views are not subjected to the idea that this is a children's show, but I do regard the characters as children.

I’m not a psychiatrist. I haven’t taken a psychology class in many years. My work with children has been primarily trauma centered children, and I haven’t worked with typical children for a decade, so most of my opinions are from my personal life experience, my work experience, my children’s rights advocacy and activism, and the guidelines from my childcare specialist work for children in the system in the state of Texas. I don’t have a lot of information these days on typical children and I don’t know the culture of children all over the country or world, but I basically know a little something about traumatized children.

And as always, be nice, because I can be mean too (and will). 😉

Special thanks to @i-am-a-passenger for listening to me and being a SOUND sounding board for my thoughts through this experience that was season 3 of Infinity Train.

To be honest, I thought that it was extremely brave of the creators to go the route that they did with the story line. Not everybody can be saved is a take that we don’t see nearly enough, and whenever we do, usually a POC, oftentimes a Black girl is on the losing end of the tale. That didn’t happen here and despite some problems with some of the way that things played out in front of us, it was STILL a monumental moment for many fans and Grace’s redemption arc was valid and reasonable, so I loved it and I live for it. Now, I’m gonna give my review of the season and what I noticed about the characters...

First off, I think that the writing of this season was phenomenal. The style of the way the story was told impressed me from start to finish. There were moments that I didn’t expect, but I understood from a writing standpoint and for the characters presented. I’m not a professional writer, but it’s been a passion since I was 7 years old, so I have some experience with passion for writing and stories and a great narrative is my WEAKNESS, and I do believe that Infinity Train provides great narratives.

This season has been my favorite thus far. I would have appreciated it for the story content, even if they had switched the characters’ arcs or went in a different direction with the redemption arc, but the fact that I was able to see an example of a Black girl being able to BE HUMAN, at my age - 38 - is still such new content that I was honestly overwhelmed by the simple fact that the creators decided that this Black girl was worthy of not only redemption, but the attention to detail and consideration was enough for me to love this season.

The girl in question: 18 year old Grace Monroe, whose been on this train for something like 7 years.

It’s rare to see a dark skinned, brown skinned, Black girl with natural hair be shown in anything but stereotypes and/or plot devices for other characters. This character has a story of her own. A beautifully written and fully realized story of a child who got confused, made bad decisions, did terrible things, learned the truth, and sought to change.

Whenever we first meet Grace and Simon, she’s announced as the leader of the Apex, and Simon is announced as her second in command and given the credentials from her, “I trust him with my life.” Something that is later a bittersweet thought as he becomes the biggest threat of her life since she got onto this train. They’re clearly very close and only seem to disagree on how they respond to negativity.

One of my favorite things about Grace was that she was given layers. One of my LEAST favorite things about Grace was that she was given unfair head canons by the fandom extremely early on (all of which nobody ever proved but remained diligently devoted to believing).

In this season, when the two are taken out of their comfort zone and traveling with outsiders, Grace and Simon are faced with lives that they haven’t thought about previously and wind up choosing very separate paths. Honestly, these paths they went on made perfect sense to me. I see both of them as traumatized children without any guidance and while one of them is very careless and reckless (Grace), the other is deliberate about what he does and has goals and plans.

The biggest influence, I think, was their interactions with denizens prior to forming the Apex. Grace admittedly never got to know any while Simon was betrayed by one whenever she left him behind to potentially die. Simon carried this rage inside of him while Grace had nothing but apathy to guide her attitude of the denizens. Grace needed attention and she was able to get that from Simon and the Apex, so she made a life built on what that gave her.

While Grace tends to seem to try to sweeten the issue or charm people. Simon is more short with others and a bit rude. They handle things much differently, though they have created a lifestyle together and formatted a society of children that they lead.

All too frequently, if a character looks like Grace, she is there as fodder for whoever her (usually white) counterparts are. But Grace has a unique situation in which she shares center stage with her white male counterpart and we watch them develop together from two peas in a pod to mortal enemies. It is a sad separation, but one that felt necessary for the direction of the story. But here’s why Grace matters so much, despite the fact that she and Simon built a child army and killed we don’t even know how many denizens:

Grace changed for the better. When both of them met and got to know a denizen, she began to change. She didn’t understand it at first and took some time to admit to herself that she was even changing. She thought that something was wrong with her because her number was going down and that wasn’t supposed to be how it was. What she thought was that it made her look weak and she didn’t want Simon or the Apex to see her that way.

And saying that Grace changed for the better is sort of shaky, too. Because Grace wasn’t a bad person to begin with. She was a child who got on the wrong track. Going from being extremely alone to having one friend to having hundreds or however many Apex kids of followers changed her for the worse, but she was a good kid at her core. She was lonely in the real world and she acted out, then wound up on this train, had a life changing event by having to see “The Conductor” and translate what happened to her as someone saving her, and she went on to help save others, or so she thought, to some degree.

Whenever she saved Simon, she had literally no reason to, other than she saw a kid in trouble and she knew she could help.She had just as little life skills and social skills as this kid in front of her, but... he was crying and she reached out to try to make him feel better, reminding him that even though life on the train was hard, he was alright now. Then, another life changing thing happened - Simon noticed that her number was higher and asked her how she got it so high. She knew just as much as him, and said that she was really good at life on the train, and the way she took that ghom out - she wasn’t completely wrong, but them being children and having only time and their limited views started a cult.

What I found interesting about this memory was the fact that Simon was telling Grace’s story for her. She tagged her charm onto it, but Simon (the writer of their laws and apparently a trilogy that not even Grace, who likes to read things wanted to read while they were besties) is telling the story to the kids. Probably embellishing, and Grace loves to be noticed, so she keeps this up until they’ve formatted an entire belief system. It was basically just I presumed whenever I questioned the reputation this fandom gave Grace as a manipulator who filled Simon’s head with hatred for denizens and Apex theology.It confirmed that people were wrong about her, which unfortunately didn’t make them change their minds, but they ain’t gotta. Grace lived and Simon died and that’s how this turns out sometimes.

I was able to at least acknowledge that his death was atrocious and it’s very unfortunate that he didn’t change for the better. He wanted control. He wanted power. He wanted to reign. Those things were more important to him than believing anything that went against his ideals. They were more important than Grace and his relationship with her. Meanwhile, Grace, up until even after he was gone cared about him. She defended herself whenever he attacked her, but she tried not to hurt him. She even tried to talk to him and he once again refused to listen. She saved his life AGAIN, and he still tried to kill her. Despite it all, when he was gone, she cried. Her friend was gone. Another life had been taken, and life meant something else to her now.

Even paper birds mattered now, and thanks to that difference inside of her, she didn’t die. But, I expected her to. Not even because it would’ve made sense or helped the story in any way, but because that’s how it usually goes for characters like her, characters who LOOK like her. The fact that it didn’t brought tears to my eyes. This season was amazing. This ending was amazing. This character was amazing. I’m so pleased with it and it was more than I expected, because instead of setting expectations, I let them tell me the story. They did an excellent job.

I've been asking people since she first appeared in season 2 why they thought that Simon was some helpless and she was this dominating figure that bossed him into this lifestyle and mostly it came back to her higher number. i didn't think we were being shown that, so I've been suspicious every time someone has suggested that Grace got Simon started in this or taught him this and now that it's been debunked, I'm even more irritated with the suggestion that her redemption doesn't make sense or wasn't right.

The thing about Simon was that he seemed fine. He seemed innocent, at times. He seemed like someone to sympathize with... What a lot of his fan base doesn't seem to realize is that is the case with every abuser. That is the case with many killers. Bad backgrounds and hard times coming up don't make for an excuse. Just because I GET his personality, doesn't mean he deserves respect or consideration. But then, we have Grace, on this other end who can't even get the recognition she earned through her decision making when she literally had the same childhood as him whenever they got there. Idk. Shit feels suspicious to me to not acknowledge Grace's redemption as well written. And the idea that Simon was doing these things for or because of Grace was proven as untrue, so there should have been a shift in her favor and there wasn't and my god that's some top shelf bullshit to me...

People frequently speak of Grace's manipulating Simon, possibly because they haven't had to try to use what you have to smooth someone over. The fact that Grace has been consoling Simon since they were children (THEY WERE CHILDREN), Because I see "Simon is a child" everyday, and always speak of his trauma, like Grace had none and like she's not the same age or near it. But, that's another thing that gets done to Black girls - they're aged up in people's prejudiced minds and expected to be more accountable than their peers. This GIRL has been repeatedly blamed for the issues of her friend.

And her "betrayal?" A lie she told to preserve life.

Simon proceeds to use her tape against her, leave her trapped inside of it (knowing it was dangerous, because the cat told him), sow lies about her in the Apex, pressure children that she knew to kill her, literally tried to beat her up and murder her, and kicks her as hard as he can after she saved his life AGAIN... He still gets more grace than Grace from the audience. I don't think people see Grace's humanity. People even assumed that her number was higher because she killed so many denizens... Like literally every wrong move doesn't affect numbers. And when faced with the story, which gives us a vulnerable Grace with flaws but also compassion, she's still been sidelined by fans of the show and nobody has given me any good reason as to why, so you already know, like we been knew. 😒

People have even tried to downgrade Simon's toxicity towards her because she led the Apex (and these people pretty much had similar things to say as people who didn't believe that my ex sexually abused me because of some examples of me being strong while arguing with him)...

THIS was triggering as fuck, but I've barely seen a PEEP about it. I'm going to presume that problematic takes of Grace are from a place of discrimination and dehumanization against another Black girl character like fandoms usually do.

But that just makes her matter more.

Good job, Grace. I knew there was good in you all along, and I didn't have to make up anything about you in my brain. ♥️♥️♥️

*Grace mourning a man that just tried to destroy her multiple times for telling a lie to keep him from killing a small child...

SPEAKING OF... The man double kicked her off that damn train in front of the kids AFTER they all saw her rescue him. Them kids might be messed up because of the Apex, but you can't tell me that Simon ain't further fuck them up with his reign. At least we know Grace was always nice to them. I'm glad they'll have each other to figure it all out.

#BFCD Reviews by Nesha #Infinity Train #Nesha Watches Infinity Train #Grace Monroe #Nesha Watches

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 3 years ago

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21. Why Does She Do Anything?

“Why did she do this?”

“Why does she do anything?”

That was the last bit of dialogue that Grace had heard before she left the center and she couldn’t stop thinking about it. About the turmoil in their voices. About the struggle in their faces. About her laughter when she was arrested. About the blood splatter on her mugshots. Why does she do anything? Everything that Grace had ever done had been for them! And this ONE time, one time, she couldn’t do something for herself?

And what would the next response had been? What were they thinking of her, in this moment. She had broken a promise. She had turned her back on a mission. She had left them, yet again, this time for good. Because even if she could gain their trust back, they would never give it, now.

And what did it look like? The moment that she found the man who did her wrong, who put her in the warehouse, who put her on the streets and on the Apex path… NOW, she was ready to quit on them? Selfish. Deceitful. Manipulative. They must think so many nasty things about her at this moment. She couldn’t stand it. But, she couldn’t change it, either. She was sure of it. She needed to get out of this and the best way to tell them was face to face.

Sunny’s face went through so many changes, from the shock of seeing her in the center, to the worry that she might not be able to approach, to the happiness when Grace acknowledged her, to the… to what happened after she told them all…

Sunny had removed her faux locs again, allowing her scalp the breath that she felt it needed and thought about jumping on the bandwagon and making it pink for the spring. She had been feeling sick lately and credited that to the stress and the recent meltdowns. Xander eyed her suspiciously as he wiped down every surface of everything she touched with pandemic paranoia. “Boy, if you don’t move…” she warned when he wiped the refrigerator door moments after she shut it (she wasn’t even done in there).

“There is a pandemic, Sunny. Nobody is taking this seriously.”

“I DON’T HAVE NONE OF THOSE SYMPTOMS!” she screeched, then said, in a lower, but just as agitated voice, “Hell, if anything, my ass is pregnant.” She laughed a little bit, but he froze. She glanced at him, “I mean… I’ll be honest. I haven’t kept up with my bc and my period hasn’t shown up, but I’m also stressed. Very stressed. Do you know that motherfucker LIKED my comment?” She finished making her sandwich and shoved things back into the fridge, which Xander reflexively wiped off again, this time lost in thought. “He did that shit on purpose,” Sunny complained. “To get under my skin and he right. He got under it. But he won’t ever know that.”

“Are you gonna take a test?” Xander asked.

She was chewing, “About Simmons getting under my skin?” Xander took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes. “Oh. About being pregnant? My period gets messed up when I’m under duress. Grace getting injured and all of that, separating from Todd’s day, and just all the shit, PLUS, a pandemic, in our lifetime? I just have too much going on to be worried about…”

“I’m gonna buy a test,” he said. She knew that he meant that and there wasn’t a point in arguing. She’d take it for him. She still owed him a nice gesture after wrecking his apartment and not cleaning up one portion of it. They were at her place, now. Xander had been considering finally giving the apartment up, anyway, and she didn’t have to pay much at her house because a friend of her family’s owned the place and felt bad for her after the kidnapping situation, so tried to help her with letting her pay what she could afford. She had always been expected to take it a lot harder than she had. She always took things easier than people expected her to, and when she didn’t, they were rarely around to see it.

So, whenever she made her way to the Infinity Train Foundation Center, holding the birthday gift basket that she had put together for Grace (most of the items either made by herself or handmade and ordered from some places she loved), she was prepared to shield herself from however Grace handled their first face to face in months.

She had known Grace for so long and knew how she was and how she might respond to most things, but she had never gotten on Grace’s bad side before and aside from whenever she was locked away, they had never not spoken. So… she didn’t know what to think.

Grace had been in her train car for days. She had only let a few people in and out. The one that introduced himself as Heath (the little girl who followed him around even stood outside during those visits), Hazel, from the house, and her second in command, who they called 747. They never said whatever his name was, just like they didn’t say Grace’s name. So… they at least kept some steward protocol… or like… they were scared to let people know who they were. That made sense, because those two were bad news.

When Todd had been shot in the face, Sunny thought that she might be next. Jax grabbed her by the shirt and dragged her along with him, but she was hysterical, in shock and couldn’t move her feet. 747 came running and Jax let her go and rushed off. Why he didn’t shoot him too, Sunny wasn’t sure for a while, but she wasn’t thinking it in the moment either. Instead, she watched Grace hold Todd close to herself, crying and watched the other kids attack Jax’s car as he sped away. 747 came back to Sunny and asked her, “Why’d he bring you?”

“I brought him,” she admitted, too shook up to lie to protect herself. “I thought.. I told him… He said that he wanted to make sure Todd was safe…” Realization dawned on his face and she didn’t even notice it, but she told him, anyway, “I deserve to be there, dead. This is my fault.”

747 folded his arms and instructed her, “Don’t say that. I’ll talk to 148. I’m sure she won’t blame you.”

She was starting to clear her head a little, but only enough to converse, “But, I did this. I told. This was my…” He was upon her before she could say more.

“I said don’t say it!” He fussed through his teeth, then he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her over to Grace. “Ma’am?...” Xander said, as Grace sniffled, her crying had gone down some as she reached into her fanny pack to get something that not even he had realized that she had on her person. It was some baby clothing. She tucked it into Todd’s pocket and stood up, blinking away tears to face 747. “This is…” He looked at Sunny, realizing that he hadn’t gotten her number.

She stared at Grace. Up close, she looked even scarier than from afar. She was much taller than her, most teenagers were. Sunny had always been short, but she was also several years younger. The older girl leaned forward and shook her head towards her like she had been waiting on her to say something.

“1000!” Sunny blurted out. Grace narrowed her eyes. “The Grand…” she jumped, as though she had been hit when that nickname came out of her lips. “Sunetra…”

“Sunny?” Grace asked, her demeanor changing a little bit, but a small enough bit that it didn’t make Sunny feel safe. She nodded, crying. Grace looked at 747 and said, “747. Bring her back with you.” He hesitated, but she continued, “Send 808 to the house. I’m taking this team and we’re going to ramsack it.”

“But other kids live there! Little ones. Ones younger than 214!” Sunny said.

Grace turned around at her and glared, “I don’t know any 214,” she said. “He was always Todd, and you know that.” Sunny nodded and put her head down. “747, as you were.”

“148, I really need to tell you about 1k,” he tried.

“That can wait,” she said, waving a hand. “808. Pronto.” She waved the team that she had with her along.

Sunny watched them go until she was blindfolded. She squealed, but heard 747 say, “I couldn’t get to that steward in enough time to spill his blood at this crime scene, but if you try anything… I’m not a very patient person, 1k.”

“I understand,” she said.

He brought her to the train, which she didn’t know how to get to or where it was and took the blindfold off. “808. Report to the house. Bring your kit.”

The girl who greeted him looked really excited for a moment, then she looked at Sunny, “Who is this?”

“1k,” 747 answered. “She’s from the house.”

“Where’s Todd?” the one called 808 wondered, casually. Not even noting that anything was wrong yet as she kissed 747, and made it her business to be over the top and let this little 1k kid know the deal. Sunny was in shambles. How this girl couldn’t see that was beyond her. But, in the kiss, the girl sensed something. “Wait… where is he? Did they go to the house to get him?” she wondered, still more curious than worried.

When instead of answering he said, “Watch her real quick,” and began gathering their older kids to go with 808, the girl finally looked worried. She looked at Sunny and asked, “What happened tonight?”

“Steward killed Todd,” Sunny said, unable to play along with whatever holding back or curating that 747 wanted to do.

808 clenched and unclenched her fists, muttered, “Thank you, 1k.” Then, gathered a metal box and a gas can. She and 747 met up and exchanged words, then she took the older kids and left. 747 came back to where Sunny was and nudged his head, “Plenty of seats,” he said. Then, he watched her like a hawk for the hours it took the others, including Grace to get back.

He’d talked to Heath, that little girl who followed him, and 808. He would have Heath watch her whenever he had other things to do, which he did, because he had to run things while Grace was… Sunny could only guess. Coping, falling apart? Whatever she was doing in there, it was all Sunny’s fault. Even if 747 wouldn’t let her say it. He would give her a candy bar or a bag of chips or something to snack on. Heath would give her a fruit or a vegetable. The little girl would stare at her sometimes, but turn away any time she noticed and never said a word to her. Some of the other young kids had been outside of the house, watching it burn when authorities arrived at the site of the burning. Sunny thought, “Surely, they must have been brought home!” If only! If only she had been there, she might have been able to go home too. Now, she would die, probably. As soon as Grace got the strength to come out of her train car.

“1K!” 747 called out from the door of it, then pointed his thumb inside. She rushed over, and he offered her a small smile before meeting up with 808, Heath and the little one… 227, she was thinking after a couple of days, but she wasn’t sure, because they hadn’t actually been introduced.

747 glared at her and nudged his head towards Grace’s train car. She nodded and went in. It was… interesting, to say the least. She had treasures in there. Mirrors, make up and garments. She had stolen goods with those security tags still on them and a supply of knee pads and masks that Sunny was sure were stolen too. The place had been moved about. The seats were arranged in a little square, like for gatherings, with a little table in the middle and the only other seats in it appeared to be for sleeping on one side and storage on the other.

“Sunny?” Grace’s voice called, fake cheer in it. Sunny rushed to her and she had arranged a little… tea party of sorts. She had an actual tea set, that Sunny couldn’t help but think was stolen, and stuff on the table, including cut up corn dogs, cookies and fruit. “I got Hazel a tea set as a housewarming present,” she said. “She picked out some tea. It sucks, but I drank it anyway. Want some?” Grace extended her hand and Sunny sat across from her. She got a bag of tea from a box with a bug wearing a hat on it. Why would anybody buy this? She wondered as she put her bag in the cup and Grace poured hot water from the pot. Sunny knew that they would set little fires outside of the train for warming stuff up and put them out before they left them, so the fact that it was hot didn’t shock her. She was terrified that at any moment, the girl would scald her with it and scar her for life. Steward had done that to a girl at the house. He had splashed the water on her, then made other kids put her in a cold shower to ‘shut her up.’ It didn’t shut her up, at all. In fact, Sunny would never forget her cries. She couldn’t even remember what Steward thought was so bad that she needed to be marred that way, but she remembered her cries. She shuddered when Grace put the pot down.

‘Sometimes, you have to do things that don’t feel very good to you, because you have people who depend on you, ya know?” Grace asked and picked up a piece of corndog. “Hungry?” she asked and popped it into her mouth.

Sunny had barely eaten in these few days so she helped herself, trying not to seem too eager as Grace continued, “I didn’t do what I needed to for Todd when I left him at the warehouse. I wanted to think that when the police came and started sorting through everything, they’d find him and bring him to his mom. They didn’t. He was one of the ones that were loaded into a van as product, mostly by older kids who thought that they had more to gain staying loyal to the stewards than embracing an Apex where WE make our rules and WE rule our lives. Todd was one of 187’s…” Sunny squirmed. “107, 127, and…?” She tilted her head.

Sunny swallowed and said, “437.”

“Yeah. They were bullies. We used to joke with 747 and say, “Idk about trusting you. Those 7s are from Hell…” She shrugged, “But, Todd wound up with them. One of that man’s. He told me about you. He said that he wished that he could take you with us, but that you would never leave that man.”

“It’s different now,” Sunny said.

“You bet your ass it’s different. That man jumped ship. He took what he wanted and needed and he left the rest of you to rot. He might not even be in the city anymore.” Grace leaned forward, “But, Todd told me that you and that man were tight.” Sunny shook her head. “Oh yeah, 1k. He told me about the Grand. He told me about Sunny, though… he only mentioned Sunny a couple of times. You know who he talked a lot about?”

“Neet,” Sunny said, feeling like something was caught in her throat.

“Neet,” Grace repeated, then pulled out a cup of coffee with a lid on it from… some place. Sunny cleared her throat and had a sip of her tea. It didn’t suck, as Grace had suggested. In fact, it tasted really good. Sunny loved hot tea and after the last few days, it hit the spot. Grace cut into her thoughts though. “He said, ‘I told Neet about the signal. Don’t look at me like that. I know I’ve made her sound a little flaky at times, but she’s got my back. I’m sure of it…’” Sunny started crying into her tea and Grace stared at her, a little bit confused. “Why are you crying?”

“It was my…” Sunny imagined that 747 was staring her down, threatening her not to say it. Grace had an eyebrow raised, waiting on her to finish, but realized that she wasn’t going to. Just as well.

“He loved you,” Grace said and put her coffee cup to her lip, “That’s what I was trying to get at. Whether he was just wrong about you or he was doing what he thought he needed to do to protect you, I know that he loved you, and that matters to me.” She took a sip and blew out a breath of wind. “Do you know what this is? It is rose, lavender, chamomile infused coffee, heavy non dairy cream, extra sugar, extra shot, and it is one of the worst things that I have ever tasted in my life, but I think that I’ll keep drinking it, because it reminds me of Todd.”

Sunny’s face perked up with curiosity. She was both very interested in learning how such a thing would remind her of Todd, and also wondering if Grace was about to confide something in her. Grace laughed and covered her heart, “So, we went to raid this bookstore, right? And I’ve been in the place before, usually to snatch books or whatever. They got a minimal security system and if you come in with a full bag, they don’t watch you like they would if you came in with an empty one, not that everybody steals books, but - I’ve stolen a lot of books,” she gestured at a shelf that looked like it was made out of… skateboards? And there were lots of books on the thing. “So, one time, we go and I’ve got my fool backpack, which I was gonna empty in the bathroom trash and fill with books, as I usually do. But, the lazy kid was on staff that day, so the bathroom trash was full and I didn’t think that I’d be able to put it in the one out front without being noticed. So… I made the decision to just empty it out in some corner of the store and like… hopefully there’s not some really well hidden camera or whatever. So. I do that, and I totally get busted. I mean, I absolutely blow my cover and lazy kid says, “You’re the one who keeps stealing books! I’m gonna have them not let you in here!” And he, no lie, snaps a photo of me with his phone!” Sunny was now smiling in excitement and trying to hear the rest. She never had public brushes like that. They robbed people at home after figuring that they could be bribed or blackmailed, or they broke in and trashed places while they were gone or something. She had never so much as shoplifted from a store, much less had a routine.

“So, I’m irked by the fact that the worst employee is busting me and I start to go FULL and I mean FULL Mrs. Monroe on him…” Grace hesitated a moment, but then kept going. Sunny had no idea who Mrs. Monroe was and didn’t ask, because Grace began speaking with this fake British accent and fussing, reliving the moment where she was poking that kid in his chest at his name tag (despite not remembering what it said at all), “How dare you, lazy kid for accusing me of stealing books. I’ll have you know that my father is an ambassador! I’ll have you know that my family has both African royalty and British old money in my history and I will BUY this entire store and fire YOU, for being the worst employee!”

Sunny cackled and asked, “But, I mean… you’re so indignant, even though you were stealing books. Why didn’t you just run?”

“I’m not done, girl. That’s not the point. The point is, that motherfucker physically removed my ass from the store.” They both were laughing, “And I told him, “You think I stole a book? I’ll show you stealing books!” And I gathered up my crew that night, and Todd was with us. He had went on a raid for that man, but made his way out to where I was and he was like, “Oh, you’re having a raid too? I’m gonna come to yours.” We went up in that place and wrecked shit. Xander spray painted all over the walls, Lucy got ALL the snacks from like ALL the registers. And Todd turned on the coffee machines and was like, “What’ll it be?” he started making drinks for everybody, but they were ordering stuff and he was just making whatever. His ass couldn’t read!” She laughed. “Jalicia reads better than him and they’re only like a year apart. So, he’s making whatever and the harder the order, the worst the drink, but I’m glaring at everybody, like ‘You’d better not be mean to this kid about these surely DISGUSTING drinks!” And then it’s my turn to order, so I order something, Idunno, like a caramel frappicino with extra vanilla and sugar and stuff. Now… I’m a quick observer and a very good reader and I’m making a mental note of what this little ass is putting in that cup, and then he hands it over to me… didn’t even have whatever I said right, he says, “Here you are ma'am one frappy dappy with extra razzle dazzle.” And everybody is looking at me like, “Talk that shit now. I BET you will not drink it.” And like… dude, I’ve been a spy kid before. I know how to spin a tale. I took the BIGGEST gulp of this hot ass coffee, didn’t even let their asses know it burned my tongue and esophagus and bottom lip. I smiled and said, “God DAMN that’s a good cup of coffee, Todd. I’m gonna have one of these every day when I get rich…” Sunny went from smiling to sadly staring. Grace looked at the cup. “ I wrote down what he really put in the cup on the outside of it, so I wouldn’t forget. Made a big scene of it, assuring him that he should do this for a living, because it was absolutely mind blowing coffee… We had to jet soon after, but I held my coffee in one hand, his hand in my other and had a bag full of books. We laughed and we smiled at each other, and I asked him to come back with us. He wasn’t ready.” She took another sip of her floral coffee and said, “I paid for this one. That lazy kid isn’t working there anymore, but they still have my photo on the wall. The guy in the coffee shop didn’t even glance at it, though.” She stared at the cup and repeated, “I paid for it.”

Sunny didn’t know if she meant the coffee or… something with Todd. But, she knew how much Todd meant to Grace. She knew how much Todd meant to her. Todd was just… he was a really shitty kid, but he was a shitty kid who you couldn’t help but love. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt so heavy suddenly.

“It was me,” Sunny finally said.

Grace shrugged and put her cup on the table. “The Chronicles of Todd,” she said. “He came into the warehouse when he was 2. Somebody kidnapped him. He was in the news. His family was looking for him. They couldn’t sell him, and were reluctant to sell any babies after that, because of the close watch that taking Todd had brought to that side of business. So, at the time, we had two toddlers and me and Heath took care of them as best we could. Fast forward a couple of years and the warehouse goes DOWN. I won’t take Todd with me, because even though I know he wants to come with me, I think it’ll be too hard for me to take care of him, so I just hope that the right people find him and get him home. They find all kinds of prints of all kinds of kids, and while they realize that it was a trafficking operation gone bad, the assumption is that perhaps kids killed some of the adults, perhaps short or small adults killed partners, etc. They have all of our prints and stuff, but it is such a mess, and a lot of it was damaged by fire, it's too much to sort through. They find Todd’s prints, but not Todd. His family renews hope, but he’s been hidden away in the house with 187 and that man. When I see him again, he’s so mad at me for leaving him. He can’t forgive me yet, and I don’t blame him. I should take him, anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time, and I know that he needs to be away from that man. That man was a bad one. Even in a mask, we all knew that he was one of the ones that you just feared. We all knew his voice, his body language, his silhouette. We all feared and hated that man. I’m so mad that that man made it out of the warehouse that day. But he did, and Todd wasn’t leaving him, and I didn’t take him.

Even later still, I run this fine establishment. It's still the streets, but it's one of the best places out here that somebody can get. Sometimes, the adults try to run us off, fight us off or send the cops to break it up. But, we persevered and Todd was in a house. Nobody was scared that the cops might take them away or an adult might beat them up for a warm seat. He was fine. So, I left him. And then that man did something, and I don’t know what. Maybe it was somebody else in the house. Maybe it was just that he was ready. But… You told.” Sunny began sobbing and Grace reached out and touched her hand. “And that man put him on his knees and shot him. Now, you feel guilty.”

“I am,” Sunny could barely speak.

“Are you? Or were there so many hands in Todd’s history, so many damn small fires and chaos on the scene that… I mean, maybe we’re all at fault.”

“No. I am.”

“Why do you think you’re so important?” Grace asked. Sunny looked up at her. “Did you feed him a bottle when he was too old, because you didn’t know when the hell a kid got off of a bottle, and when you met him, he had one? Did you look right at him, have the ability to get him away from there and then didn’t? Did you keep the same signal, after he told you that he let a flaky bitch know that plan? I’m not saying it's my fault, but, I feel like there’s more blood on my hands than yours. Literally. I had Todd’s blood all over me. I can still smell it, even though I burned everything and washed up many times. I saw his parents. I’ve ditched the train and went snooping. They had to be reunited with their kid, faceless and dead. That’s not your fault and it’s not mine. I feel guilty. You feel guilty. We did some shit, and we gotta carry that for as long as we both love Todd. But we don’t have to carry responsibility. That man killed him… and you know him best. So… I need you to tell me what you know…”

Sunny approached Grace, holding the gift basket and smiled, “I’m not gonna make a big thing out of everything like Xan,” she said and handed it over. “Happy Birthday.” Grace smiled and gave her a hug. “I did some shit, and I gotta carry that for as long as I love you.” Grace squeezed her tightly, remembering the reference, then let go of her and handed the gift to Simon. She would study it later. Everybody was beginning to crowd her chair as Simon put the gift away in the back of it.

He and Sunny locked eyes and glared for a split second, then forced smiles and met up outside of the crowd.

“Mr. Loreal,” she said and tipped her head.

“I’ll miss our banter,” Simon told her and smiled. She frowned. Missed? What did he mean by that?” She wondered. Grace had taken the center of the room and everyone sat around her, either adjusting the chairs, or doing like Sunny, who sat up front, on the floor, with her legs crossed and back straight.

Grace gave a tear filled speech about loving them and wanting to see it all through, but realizing, after her near death that so many bad things that you can’t control happens that all she wanted was for them to have good things and to be able to be a part of those…

Sunny blanked out.

Grace had said all of that to say that she was done with the Apex. That she was no longer able to lead them, or keep any of her promises, or do any of the work outside of living and healing. When she went on to say stuff about the pandemic and how it was nice to be able to just stay in with Simon and just breathe, Sunny was elsewhere. The crowd began to get upset. Some were in support, but some strongly objected.

***

Xander was simply crying and when he looked at Sunny, she was up on her feet and rushing towards Simon. “You did this! You planted this in her head. You’ve been manipulating her and gaslighting her and brainwashing her. She has fucking Stockhold’s Syndrome from being boxed in with you after the most traumatic event of her life and you’ve eaten that up!”

“You need to step away from me,” Simon told her.

“Or what? What will you do, Simon? What?” Sunny asked.

“Grace…” Simon started.

Grace rolled over and Simon stepped back to let her between the two of them. Sunny tried to move around her but Grace back up and got in front of her. “Look at me.”

Sunny was glaring at Simon as she said, pointedly, “You are no longer the boss. I don’t have to look at you. And won’t.”

“Will you look at me as a friend?” Grace asked. Sunny scoffed and shook her head, incredulously. “I know I haven’t been around lately and you know why I…”

“It wasn’t my fault,” Sunny said and looked at her. “I could stand here and chronicle this shit for you and at the end of it all, YOU turned your back on me. And now you’re turning your back on everybody else? AGAIN, Bitch?” Simon stepped around the chair, but Xander cut him off, staring directly in his face, daring him to move forward.

“You don’t have a syringe on you today,” Xander reminded him, through a face mask that resembled the mouth of a skeleton. He looked at Grace, sitting her in wheelchair, trying to keep her composure, because even if she did want to fight Sunny. She couldn’t. She didn’t have the physicality to do it, and Sunny was pointing in her face and to Simon and towards the Apex, and just going off about everything. Everything that there ever was to go off about.

She went off about how she “used what happened to Todd” to get her to stick around, knowing that she had a home to go back to, but also that she was young and wouldn’t because of her guilt and Grace’s love bombing. She went off about how Grace NEVER loved her, EVER. She was JUST like Jax! She was JUST LIKE the stewards! She was SELFISH. She was UNGRATEFUL. She was GULLIBLE. She was a TRAITOR…

***

Sunny blinked away her own tears as the room continued encouraging Grace. They understood. Some of them had already moved on, anyway. A lot of them never thought that anybody would ever find and punish the ones that had been, in the first place, so it was all still good. Sunny was still sitting on the floor. She hadn’t gotten up. She hadn’t confronted Simon. She hadn’t went off on Grace.

Xander helped her up, off of the floor. She didn’t respond or react. He studied her in concern. This was how she was the night that they met, thrown off by the horror of Todd dying. “Did that really just happen?” She asked herself. She looked at Grace, who was leaving… with Simon Laurent. She was walking out on them… with him. “Why did she do this?” She whimpered.

“Why does she do anything?” Xander asked, practically spitting at Grace and Simon as he did. They watched the couple leave. “She did this because she wants to protect him. She’s been protecting him this whole time. That was why she reached out to him and roped him in when we know that she knew he was watching her. That’s why whenever we were trying to finally get rid of him -”

“You were trying to…”

“She came back to save him and turned on us. That’s why she was so fucked in the head that she got herself shot by that X.”

“The fact remains… she got shot and we left her…”

Sunny came into Grace’s room, surprised to find that Simon was there. Police really didn’t care what white men did, huh? He straight up murdered somebody and they knew, and there he was. He looked up from Grace to see who had walked in and Sunny immediately felt the energy of the room shift. No… it was more like it uprooted and left and another energy crashed in its place. She thought about that scene from that movie with the blond broad with the bug face… ol’ girl’s mama from Stranger Things… A Fight should have ensued right then. But, she was exhausted, too tired to even give him grief, and Grace wasn’t in the clear yet. “Is it okay if I stay?” she asked.

However she felt about him, he saved her big sister’s life and until Grace woke up and set some boundaries herself; she couldn’t speak for her.

“Is there a reason that it wouldn’t be?” He asked, voice innocent, face accusatory.

She gave him a tight smile and came next to Grace, on the other side of her. Her left hand. Still, she thought. Always, she was sure. She reached out to touch her and noticed Simon tense up across the bed. He was touching her too, so wtf? She was very tempted to ask him, “Problem?” but she didn’t want to fight while Grace was fighting for her life. They said that she should recover, but Sunny read a lot. Medical care wasn’t as hopeful for people like them, even Grace, with her rich ass family. Sunny started crying.

“Why are you crying?” Simon asked. When he asked it, she was jolted back to the night that she met Grace and for a moment, that small similarity softened her. But, after a heartbeat, the audacity of the question infuriated her.

“You mighta heard. My best friend got shot.”

“Did hear that. Also heard that you left her.”

“I wasn’t driving,” Sunny said and wiped her face. What was she thinking, crying in front of this shadow of a person? “And if I was, I would have run over his ass with the van. You might have also heard, I don’t mind doing what needs to be done.”

“So it's Xander’s fault, then?”

“It’s that man’s fault! Other handprints are on the situation, but one motherfucker shot her.”

“And another one left. Always the solution for this bunch. To just leave.”

She was fed up. She had always stayed when she probably shouldn’t have. She stayed with Grace, after Todd was gone. She stayed with Xander after Grace was gone. She stayed in places that meant her harm and did her no good. For this smooth handed elitist to come along and judge her family on limited knowledge from outside the club for a few months. “Sometimes, we make you leave.”

‘Sometimes, you try it…” She squeezed Grace’s hand a little too tightly and he asked, horrified, “What are you doing?” before removing her hand. She was too shaken up by her own strength to chastise him about touching her. But, they carried on like that until Grace woke up, taking jabs at each other, up until the moment that Grace came to… and Sunny didn’t want to fully believe it in that moment… But Grace had chosen him. She had already chosen him.

What happened today was simply inevitable.

Sunny took another deep breath and turned to the rest of the Apex, ready once again not to leave them. She could process today later. “Well, I know, I know, that you all have a lot of emotions and I see a lot of tears, but I promise that we’ll all get through it! Maybe this will help? Xander and I have some pretty good news!” She pulled out a photo of an ultrasound, “We’re adding to our family!” And the energy in the room changed for the better. Xander wrapped an arm around her and kissed her on the cheek as their friends gushed and cheered. She once wanted Grace to be a part of this, but she supposed that was over, and maybe she would have to keep looking at this photograph as what it could be - a reason for her to have to be okay with letting some things go. A reason for both of them to have to be.

Somebody made a joke about everybody getting pregnant in the pandemic and she pursed her lips, “Um. Excuse you, sassypants. I got pregnant around VDay, so hush.” She laughed away pain. A lot. She made them laugh away pain. She filled in the blanks where she needed to. She would stay…

22. Wrong About Her

#People Watching #AU Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #fics #Infinity Train #Infinity Train Fanfiction

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