#chat w/ nesha

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

Upcoming Celebrations

Next Month is my Anniversary Month! Can y’all believe its almost been a year?

@chenoahchantel @adorkable-blackgirl @perhapspearl @daintyurbanprincess @heyimtavia And to think, it all started with Dangerverse rage that snowballed into this. Noah’s birthday has me down memory lane of the fandom that gave me y’all and the universe that made me create this space. It was a long time coming, but y’all own my heart, so...

[neshabeingchildish]

i love love love that you’re so into jatp now 🥺🥺 i look for your approval for stuff i love this much and this series is so close to my heart now i’m so glad you’re into it too!!!! 🥰🥰💀

WHAT. You can't look for my approval! I'm like 85% dumbass! 😂 But, YOU are the reason that I checked this show out in the first place. I've never seen any of the other stuff Mr. Ortega did and so I was pretty 'meh' going in, but OMG, I'm so glad that I did.

An instant fave + the upside of getting moments to reconnect with my favorite people from a fandom that once like ruled my heart? Like... It was a blessing in many ways and thank you for showing me that.♥️♥️♥️

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Disney+ only let me see up to episode 7 and then it just doesn't have the rest on mine. 😤 I was supposed to finish it all in a day's time and have hella messages for you waiting for when you felt better. 😔 (I didn't expect answers today)

Fellas have you ever met a pretty girl & the first day you talk she talked about having a seance at your new home?

I'm watching Sulphur Springs. 😂😂😂 The lights flicker and this kid gets this huge smile. I dig it. Lol.

Ahh, I'm so glad you're getting to watch it! I think it's one of my favorites right now! Also, between that and the shoes, that was IT for me, Harper is my favorite and I'd die for her 🥺

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

@i-am-a-passenger I'll have you know that I have been laughing about this all morning. The kids were like, "Miss Tenesha, you okay?" 😂😂😂

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Moving the So series over here is gonna be a PAIN, but I am tired of getting the alerts from all these different angles, since I posted it so stupidly betwixt two blogs, like a whole dumbass.

Who wanna either keep me company or distract me, depending on how much I DON'T wanna do that? Lol.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

HEY, GIRL, HEYYY!!!

MELANATED SOUL CIRCLE 

We haven’t been able to chitchat in a while, between the global stuff and the ways of real life. Tell me what’s new in your world, if anything. Any praise reports? Prayer requests? Venting session? I’m open to hear. Miss my sistas. *Cue the theme song to Girlfriends*

@chenoahchantel @adorkable-blackgirl @frankzhanglikedang @heyimtavia @imma-sensitive-btch @daintyurbanprincess 

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

I had an ex who was very much like Simon. Every time I thought I had gotten strong enough to have space between us, he found some other in. We were in a break up process for almost 4 years because I didn't know how to just not take responsibility for him/how he reacted to me.

I love that so many survivors are able to see power in Grace and connect with her, because so often in real life, people connect so much more with our abusers and we just wind up giving them more of ourselves because we feel like what's common is probably what's correct.

🤗

i cant shut up. i finished my rewatch and its still so good. i got into the show like right before the finale and something really terrible happened to me around the time i started watching. 

it is… really hard to let go of abusers, especially when they are so badly hurt themselves. theres this overwhelming need to help them, because you love them, and you dont know what youd do if they died. and you do everything you can even when it tears you apart. and so, i think the timing that i got into and watched infinity train could not have been any better, it was… so real to me. 

my ex was exactly like simon in every way and so being able to see grace realize that what he does and what hes going through is not her fault, its not her job to change him, really resonated with me. i dont know. its something ive been told by therapists several times but, that kind of thing never worked for me. “dont go back to him. cut him off. break up. do not speak to him again.” all of the best advice from people who know and want whats best for me, and yet i couldnt listen until i…. let it click, for me? i dont really know at all, i just know that i needed my own time to work things out and i couldnt just be told what to do by someone outside. its so easy to say “just leave” when you arent the one going through it all.

i really dont know. im rambling and im trying to like really figure out how this just resonated with me so hard, that people have been telling me this and i was like “uh huh” and then i just see a character on screen be like “hey! i dont owe you anything” and then im like “OH SHIT, I DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING”. but it worked. i can imagine it probably had similar affects on others. it was a really really powerful scene and i just dont think book 3 couldve ended in any other way without it feeling contrived. you cant save anyone and youre not supposed to

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

I.T. & Grace Monroe (Again) Chat

Thank you for such a great response! I can’t every imaging the suspense waiting a week for each episode! Lemme tell you the first season I was annoyed with tulip but understood when she was used to expose the trains true meaning /use. MT/Lake story was equally annoying but I appreciated how they used her brattiness to reenforce the methods of the train. What seems impossible to handle in real life becomes more palatable on the train…it brakes it down into bite sized pieces for the passengers to understand and consume. It’s a vr problem solving machine(who would want that). But the major flaw becomes visible to me, by the end of season 1, adults do not fair as well as kids. Amelia did not fair well, her mind was so fixed on the outcome she wanted, that she overlooked any lessons from the train. She forced a square peg into a round hole and her numbers started rising. When she ran into Grace as a child even though is seems like a brief interaction, Grace was already primed to become another Amelia. Her background of affluence, she knows exactly how adults change the world around them to their liking. She already knew the game to be played, so seeing someone with power and influence in that train car , save her, control the enviroment (like her parents would) and have the most numbers she knew what to do. I think she was there to learn not to live to please others, not to feel abandoned and powerless, that not all attention and power is good, that she can stand alone in safety. When she met Simon, she was right back to her old behaviors. What was sad is that by the last episode of that season you know that his real life situation was full of hate and abuse. Grace fell into her enabler and Simon thought he found a mirror. They trauma bonded. It looked like he even developed romantic feelings for her. Still every chance the train sent her to learn those lessons she literally did that opposite of what she wanted. She did what she and Simon agreed to do, Simon looked like he was the mastermind behind all of the Apex rules. I can imagine them trying to figure out how their gang would run with Simon saying something and Grace agreeing then adding to it. I bet Simon felt judged, inferior and misunderstood in real life, because he just could not adapt to seeing Grace form a bond with Hazel and Tuba. The fact that his numbers were decreasing along with Grace’s at one point due to him following her lead was a telling, he was there to learn to find and accept the similarities with the train’s life forms (sorry I forget what they called them) and to build a found family based on that. His attacks on Grace were so brutal, he went to the cat with intent to find something to make Grace fall back inline, to force her back into his ideal world. He rallied the Apex kids to turn against her. He couldn’t even accept the conductor, the ‘god’ of his reality when he met her he just wanted what all adults wanted on that train, to make his world his way. So many adults do this, it’s got to be the reason the train exists right? Catch them as kids, teach them how to find the solution to their problems and send them back into the real world to teach others. Like a gigantic roomba for mental health issues lol. I didn’t expect that Simon wouldn’t make it but there was no way he would have ever left that train on his own. Grace was his way off, and I think he knew that deep down. Makes you wander just how bad his life was, or if he just had an untreated psychosis. Grace’s relationship with Hazel and Tuba became stronger the moment she accepted what she wanted and not what was good for the gang. The years that passed and the numbers that accumulated were undone in a few weeks by that bond, and Simon was watching his world crumble right before his eyes. I really love watching interracial couples on screen, and it’s been great to see how they made Grace and Simon. BwWm (or any combo of black and white or biracial) relationships don’t all have to be racism struggle or forbidden love. It can be as unique as this, scared kids in a new environment. Love it!

You know, to be frank, I shipped this as a ship before it became a season. Whenever I saw them last time, I was like, “Well, they seem cute n’ cozy.” Then, of course, whenever they were revealed to be a hate group, I was like… Well… I hope we find out more because I definitely fucking feel a way about them now. I don’t have very good history with hate groups. My activism hasn’t allowed it, my hometown didn’t allow it - I just have too many bad experiences with hate groups and so since I was reading them as such, my main purpose of watching their season was to see how the train was going to help to change them.

I honestly was like, “Ship be damned,” by the time we got to 6-8 and was just hoping for maybe some friendship building and growth together as better humans. Like. I could care less about a ship on just about any given day (which is why even whenever “my ships” fall apart (and mine always involve Black girls, so that’s like a what 98% failure rate, just because creators never like to see Black girls or women happy anyway), I’m usually fine with it not taking place IF the girl is in a good place and/or there aren’t hella people around her all boo’d up while she’s the strong single. Shadowhunters, looking at y’all bitch ass with a hard side-eye. You as well, Glee. You as well, Battlestar Gallactica and True Blood… Y’all killed the bitches for really no reason. ANYWAYS, I was fine with them not being a ship if it meant growth…

I was shocked that he died, but I also didn’t feel as hurt as I would have had he not done EVERYTHING in his goddamn power to overthrow and murder this girl. Because, I had to repeatedly be like, “This dude is technically a goddamn child,” but then again, so is she. They never grew up in any healthy environment, and I ABSOLUTELY envision Apex creation and building exactly as you did. See, it’s something we got as older Black women looking at this story that the girls just be missing. The signs were so obvious to me that he was the muscle and she was the face, but a lot of people were extremely convinced that she had somehow strong armed this poor, innocent boy into her belief system, even though she literally was always the one with the soft voice.

They read this as manipulation a lot, and perhaps because I’ve been in situations where I knew, “If I don’t charm this person, it is gonna be a very bad day, indeed,” I just didn’t read her actions as harmful. I didn’t see her using her charms to get someone killed or anything dangerous. Only to cheer him up when he was moody, get him to go along with something that wasn’t bad for him at all, etc. So, I mean, whatever, if it’s manipulation, oh well. We do it on a daily basis in the real world whenever we try to let folk down gently as to not get shot on the side of the road, so I’m never jumping to any conclusion that any girl, especially not a Black girl is manipulating somebody without actual evidence, which, I saw none of. She was labeled as his motivation for being a villain from the moment she appeared, so the petty Black fangirl in me rejoiced that canon shot that all straight to hell, and then I received icing on the cake when she not only did not die, but got a redemption arc? YASSSSS BITCH. GIVE MAMA MY THANGS!

I’ve seen a few “fix it fics” and AU’s, but only reading a few of them. I didn’t need anything fixed. I’m just enjoying a little side content (as best as i can anyways. I generally check out if anybody feels like they about to rewrite to go ahead and try to make Grace look responsible for any of that boy’s shit. That fuels my wrath. Because, people really think that they only do shit like this theoretically with fiction, but you not gon’ make me believe that the same people who want to overlook Grace’s trauma, and the way that Simon intentionally harmed her, or downplay her guts to face him head on and try to speak to him about changing and being wrong and not even attack him? (Which, tbh could have been because it’s her instinctual response to protect and care for him, because she’s been doing it since they met and also, nobody is convincing me that he *changed* into this person. That person was always there and Grace had to manipulate his ass into staying docile), but to try to take away that aspect of the story, which is super important to escaping abuse, escaping cults, and building up self - I can’t commit to stories like that. Those are the same people I equate with the people that my ex was COMPLETELY right about whenever he told me that people were always gonna believe him over me because he’s white, smart, and nice. And if we’re being 100, they don’t have to be all three to get people rally behind them while they literally try to hurt and kill you.

So, I just appreciated that the story rallied around the right one and that they didn’t make any room for for blaming his target, although fans will lie and say that they did. That’s just the regular degular misogynoir coming out to play. After leaving a situation in real life with someone like this and having SO MANY GODDAMN PEOPLE try to tell me how the fuck I was wrong, I don’t have patience for that shit. Honestly, if a roach dog monster could have melted and disintegrated Josh, I’d have had a fucking party. And maybe Josh was emotionally and mentally stunted and still a boy dealing with trauma, so that’s where my gray area comes in. It’s like, it’s sad that he chose not to change, but also like, had he been real and did what he did, I definitely would say he should die and not feel bad about that. So, gross scene, but I haven’t a lot of sorrow about it, either. He didn’t give ME much room to feel that bad for him, personally.

Girl, I’ve talked more about Infinity Train on this blog than any other series. Lol. 

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

I saw you talk about infinity train so much I ended up binging the entire series this past weekend! It was a wild ride but enjoyable. I was thrown for a loop by Simon and Grace...wow. That series is brutal, but I am glad I got to see it.

THANK YA LORD, THANK YA JESUS! I'm always so happy when somebody I know got some sense comes around to seeing the show. It's a fave but the fandom is extremely irritating. I know, I know, I say that about every fandom I dabble in...

That's because it's always true.

I loved this season so much. A lot of it was hard AF, but it's true to life. It's true to life for what I know about traumatized kids, about cult life/being brought up in a cult, about toxic relationships and possessive partners. It was just all around well done. I'd have skipped the gruesome death scene, but I'm not convinced there were more alternatives for somebody that filled with hate and rage.

Dead or prison is generally where that type lands.

The thing I loved the most was the fact that it DID throw you for a loop. But, I feel like if you think about it, you'd realize that it was always there. All it took was shifting around and there you have a mess. After you get out of some dangerous entanglement, there's always that look back and see where it went wrong. It didn't go wrong. That person was always there, but because you were involved with them, you didn't have to see this side this way.

We were on the same trip Grace was on. It snapped for us, "Oh, this nigga is THROWED" about the time that it happened for her. Because there were explainable problems with him, then it was BAM. Destruction.

But, that boy was always that person. He didn't suddenly change into "Bad" Simon. He was this way when we met him and when we traveled with him and when we understood his issues and his humanity. We just didn't pay attention to it because of where we were on the journey. Once Grace crossed him, SHE was the one who changed and he felt like he had to handle her the way he handles stuff like that. It just hurt us because we thought she was exempt.

We weren't paying attention to him because we were focused on the fact that she used to cheer him up and "be his peace" and agree with him and egg him on, then she just stopped all that with no explanation. You're lucky, because watching it straight through was more obvious the signs that he was dangerously codependent and rewatching, I definitely saw the hints of how much of a control freak he was. From the moment that things went off of plan, he went into action trying to just get things back to normal, and the longer the journey, the further away from that they got and the bigger that wedge became between himself and his peace.

Then that muthafucka lost his monkey ass mind. When he went in that cabin and started throwing shit, I was like... "Awww HELL NO. He one of THEM types." Then the mind intrusion and I was like, "Ugh... This girl probably gon' die. Lemme just prepare myself, because he's that type. He is the type to kill you if he can't have you the way he wants you to be."

But, then he's crying, because he's either so hurt or so ashamed that he's been tricked, and you have to wonder for a week how he's going to handle it... Then you see. You can tell from the moment the next episode starts, "Yes, I was unfortunately correct and this is going to be extremely ugly if they're not about to talk it out..." Then he attacked her for the first time. And when you've seen it once, you've seen it play out every time. They attack for the first time, that's who they are, Sis.

She tried to have convos with this man, save this man, etc. Girl, that man has turned on you. And there's a lot of chatter about the moments of remorse that you can see... Chile, every abusive relationship I ever been in, their ass had visible remorse. Didn't stop the next attack, and the next, and the next.

It was just a very powerful portrayal of a lot of various dynamics. I expected to hurt, but I was pretty prepared for some deep shit whenever the creator announced at the beginning, "They aren't rebels, they're a cult." I was like... Awww shit. And we opened that hoe up with a whole entire hate crime, and I was discombobulated. Still floored how many people began to feel a way in episode 5.

EPISODE 5??? MINUTE 5 HAD THEM BEATING AND STOMPING AND RIPPING APART LIVING COGNITIVE CREATURES!!! Lol. That was such a troubling scene and people were really chill until Tuba. I was distraught over Tuba, but like... These kids been fucking these denizens off, Bruh. We seent it before. I can't believe they weren't cringing then.

I keep comparing that opening to the opening of Watchmen or Hunters, and the only real difference was that you didn't see humans in this, but THOSE ARE PEOPLE Y'ALL. I was shook from the jump. Like... You demons having small talk while y'all like murdering and/or mutilating these people. So... I was very much in a "they are horrifying and this show is gonna try to show me their human side, I guess." And... It did. They made you feel things for cult creators, but like... I was impressed with all the levels ventured.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

Here’s the review!

THANK YOU KINDLY! Sorry it took me a while. I had a thing happening. Well… I mean… You sort of know almost more than anybody else about that. Lol. 

Long Post Alert!

I didn’t want to lose any of the conversation we had in the group chat, because I will likely need fuel for later and I loved it. Starting out with what I initially said, verbatim, and screenshots of the exchange. Then, after ALL OF THAT, giving an actual reply to the emotional aspect of the review. 

@shslargue I appreciate that you appreciated every little attempt I made to callback the characters!

Especially you’re the boss, because what does Simon do immediately after? Completely and utterly intrude into Grace’s privacy like he’s entitled despite her response to him trying to be close to her.

And here’s the situation… Simon’s overthinking is predominantly self-centered. He’s learned all of these things about Grace and instead of coming to the conclusion that she’s lonely and afraid, he’s come to the conclusion that he did something or that she hates *him

He’s only able to process her actions that are linked to him as something happening to him, instead of something she’s going through…

I feel like that’s an honest look at both canon and also real life. And that’s not to say that I don’t ship this version of them or that it’s negative for you to, just that he’s more troubled than people often give credit for people who aren’t inflicting blatant and horrific pain on others. Grace looks like an awful human in comparison with her lifestyle and even he is like, “Well, at least I’m not a murderer like she is” WHILE obsessing over her… A murderer.

OKAY… HERE IS MY RESPONSE, outside of that conversation… This is all basically for you and me. Hopefully nobody reads this expecting to be rewarded and just see our asses gabbing…

Starting with Tulip… I knew that I wanted her and Simon to be acquaintances/family friends. To give you my backstory on that (it isn’t necessarily important to the story, as that revolves around Grace and Simon, but I know you be caring) - Their moms met online in this support group/community for single moms. Tulip’s mom technically isn’t a single mom, as she and Tulip’s father are trying to both parent separately, but she still IS a single mom and this Simon’s dad isn’t around. So, they met online and eventually met up for get togethers and stuff, where they dragged their kids along, because that was a “trip” for them. So, they’re not related, but they came up together (even though Simon’s a little older) like distant family, almost, as we tend to get close as hell with people we meet online.

Is that somebody that you think you can care about?… See… Tulip is into programming and shit, so she’s a little more analytical minded than Simon. She wants to believe her friend is okay and curiously asking about this person, but she’s also no fool. She knows that this could be a hot ass mess, if this was somebody that he was serious about, but in addition to that, she’s not just acting like “this damaged woman is gonna hurt my family friend.” She’s also like… “Simon… This is not how we handle getting to know people and I don’t want to be a part of anything dysfunctional that you have going on.”

The red flags… I began with a quote from Bojack Horseman that sliced and diced me and my ex up into a gajillion pieces whenever it came on. That owl that Bojack was dating had said something like, “Whenever you see life through rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags.” Me and Jonaya’s asses were both in tears. Lol. BUT… With somebody like Grace, she just sees red flags all of the time. She was raised by criminals and abusers. Everything was a red flag. When she got out, nothing has ever been easy and she’s still full of rage. She’s still out for blood. So rose colored glasses might make red flags just look like flags, but with Grace’s always seeing red, all flags look like red flags. 

This is who grew up to be Heath, btw. I have most of the kids assigned to a number in my notes/plans, but the only ones that I’ve brought in so far are him, Xander

And Jalicia

Of course, I’ve mentioned Lucy, but she’s got a name, so you know her. And Todd and Hazel are already dead in the story…

Okay. Let’s talk about the things about Grace and Simon that are relatable/scary… Because the things that are relatable are meant to be, because while its scary to relate and identify with a stalker and a murderer… all stalkers and murderers are people. They all have had childhoods, feelings, thoughts, etc, and most of them have been relatable at some point or another. It doesn’t mean that we’re like them when we relate, just that we can have some type of empathy for them. They’re people. That’s something that I think writers sometimes ignore… these are characters and we’re getting them to do what we want them to, but at the core of each character is a human being.

Ahhhh… The Grace Shrine… He’s lost it, hasn’t he? The ability to excuse things is out the window. What will he even do next, if he’s began to get this far away from normalcy? 

I love on a story level that you want them together. Polyglot had said something along the lines of “I guess they’re made for each other” or go good together… something. Idk. I’m paraphrasing… but… I enjoy that they can be that. That we’ve decided that this situation is janked up, but we’re like, but let’s see where they’re going with this mess. 😂😂😂

Thanks for the review. I don’t think my next response will be this intense, if you should choose to bless me with another one in the future.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

I'm not actually sad for her, and I'll elaborate more later about it. I'm excited for her. She's on the path to healing that we wish for everyone to be able to get on to. Sometimes the path to healing starts with such a tremendous hurt that there's nowhere else to go but to rise up and I honestly believe that Simon was that for her. (Or rather, losing Simon).

It's painful to lose the ones we love, but sometimes we just can't bring them with us and as sad as it is that Simon didn't get the redemption that we might have wanted, it's a reality for many people, and for several kids. Simon had become a danger to Grace, even rejecting her moments of trying to save him again and it was very clear that he wasn't likely to forgive or change. She would have had to distance herself anyways, based upon his refusal to accept her in her new state of mind.

Grace has a lot of growing and learning and healing to do to be okay, but she's been given the chance to do that, when her fate very well could have been death. And we even see that her turning over a new leaf means that she now has a support system to help her through making her amends and fixing what she and Simon started (as evidenced by the origami birds coming to her rescue). The religious parallels of the old self dying and a new self being saved wasn't lost on me either, but that's another long ass conversation altogether too.

Long story short... I'm not sad for Grace. I'm happy for her. She finally gets the healing she needed when she got into the train. I'm sad for Simon. Not because I feel like he was wronged or poorly written or anything of that sort, but because he could've healed with her, just like he grew into the Apex mindset with her, but he couldn't let go of it and ultimately it destroyed everything good that he had and could've had.

Okay but what happens to grace now?

Hazel is gone. Her friend of so many years is dead. She's stepped down from the role of leadership that meant so much to her and was definitely a huge part of her identity given that she came from a household where people neglected her, so the purpose she had for so many years has gone.

What does she do now? How can she move on from what happened? Get off the train and go back to her family who neglected her and made her feel like she had to be perfect? Go back to a world she hasn't been part of for years? Grace stepped onto the train around 9-10 and hadn't been in school since- now she's the age you're supposed to go to university or get a job at. How will she intergrate back into society?

How will she live with the guilt of what happened to Hazel? The trauma of what Simon, who she'd trusted for so so many years, did to her? How can she ever believe in friendship after that betrayal? How can she ever trust anyone again?

Is she going to stay with the ex-apex kids? Or go off on her own? Will she try to find Hazel? Will she go home?

What happens to Grace now?

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

@daintyurbanprincess You ain't sof?

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

HEY SIS!!!

For some reason, Tumblr is not letting me invite some people to the group chat that I'm starting for this space. It is called Melanated Soul Circle (like the tag that I use for when I reach out to my good sis.' So, if we be fw each other and you know you melanated and that I would send you an invite if I could, please see if you can see the chat on your end and join from that side.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

OKAY LADIES, NOW LET’S

Come and check in and keep me company as much as you possibly can because I be at work awake by myself and fortunately, these kids sleep really well, so there’s no incidents in the middle of the night, but that also means that it’s just me up by myself in that huge house. Yes, I’m doing work, but like... Just if you get a chance, say hi & stuff. Even if it’s just in the replies, like me and @daintyurbanprincess

I WILL ACCEPT ANY CHATTING LADIES!

[neshabeingchildish]

The way that you just GET it!

Okay, but ALSO. Because we're in a pandemic and my brain is working with that, whether or not it is ever introduced into fiction. But like... Max, Charlotte and Chase quarantined...

OHHH that would be so beautiful (sniffs) ,, they could all get so much closer and Max and Chase would probably get on each others nerves so much, but then apologize because Charlotte's sad that her two bfs/quarantine buddies are fighting and they hate to see her sad and this is suddenly all I need in life

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

I'm going to have to be awake all night for this shift, probably all day tomorrow to drive to Port Arthur and back home, and then go to work the next morning, so there is internal screaming and also starvation for motivation needed at this time in my life.