#NOT THIS ANYMORE. BTW. idk if i can call myself in recovery but i’m Not That anymore

[kiki-strike]

🤡🫣 at least half the house has covid !! awesome 😎 parents do, and they can’t be in the same room together or they’ll kill each other, so they can’t isolate together, i don’t have (i hardly ever? for some reason?) but i also don’t have a driving to get things, and it’s hella smoky out which makes the pots go crazy go stupid and i might not make it to the store and back, and we’re broke again, and we’re all antisocial losers with no friends to bring things, and baby sister hasn’t been tested yet because she’s at school but she takes covid Terribly and also her ocd flares with covid in the house 🤡 and of course 3/4 of us are mentally unstable and half are immunocompromised and none of us can go outside because of the smoke. 😃 pray for me ig

[sweetnestor]

12 Days | Chapter 9.2

Two guys that lowkey hate each other are forced to walk in each other’s shoes in order to learn a lesson.

***in collaboration with @themarkiplierexperience

lmao soz its not actually x reader we’re just desperate for attention haaaa

previous

“Okay, hear me out,” Tom prompted, sitting up on the couch with Bella. “If you ran into your celebrity crush in public, and I gave you my blessing… would you go for it?”

Neither of them remembered how they got to this conversation. They had properly discussed the Mark situation, which Bella apologized profusely for. She claimed it was an impulsive thought and couldn’t stop herself from saying it. Tom, being the compassionate and wonderful boyfriend he is, reassured her that everything was okay. He didn’t tell her about the angry texts he had exchanged with the man, though. That was best kept under wraps.

Now that they had changed topics, Tom was immensely curious when he heard that he was in fact Bella’s current celebrity crush. Of course, he heard that from Ethan, and from stalking Bella’s channel a little bit more. He just had to hear it from Bella herself, for validation, if you will. A girl as attractive as her, crushing on Tom? He couldn’t help but feel a little smug.

“Well, I mean…” she trailed off in thought. “I don’t know. Call me cheesy, but I only want you.”

Fucking hell, Ethan was lucky.

“Aww, babe,” Tom said as he stroked Bella’s hair before resting his arm around her shoulders. “But seriously. Who’s the celebrity you’re always talking about? That one guy… or girl, you know. You like him… or her, a lot.”

She hummed to herself. “See now I have a list of people running through my head.”

That was intriguing to say the least. Tom scooted a little closer. He wasn’t sure why he was hoping for her to say his name. Maybe then he could stick it to Ethan.

“I mean you’ve been invested with the new Spider-Man,” he nonchalantly added, feeling a little full of himself.

“Yeah, but there’s like ten other people I’d pick before Tom Holland.”

Oh.

“Like who?” he asked, trying to act like his ego wasn’t bruised.

“Perrie Edwards,” Bella said confidently. “She’s definitely my free pass, even though she’s probably straight. I’m sure she’d be down for an experiment.”

“Oh, yeah?” The name was familiar, but he needed visuals. “What’s this Perrie person look like again?”

She simply picked up her phone and unlocked it, showing Tom an extremely beautiful blonde woman on her home screen. He couldn’t complain about that choice, and nor could Ethan if he knew how to recognize a hot girl. He has Bella, after all.

“Either her or Demi Lovato,” she continued as she put her phone down. “But if we’re talking about the Spider-Man cast, then I’d pick Zendaya over Tom. Or maybe both at the same time. Bisexual goals, am I right?”

He was smiling because he was slightly annoyed. Even if it was all completely hypothetical, Tom felt a small rage in his chest. No. No one gets a night with Zendaya except him. As hot as Bella was, she wasn’t allowed to be near Zendaya either. It even made Tom angry that Ethan was getting to talk to her. She even had her hands on Tom’s body, granted it was for a minute or so, but it was Ethan who got to experience it. Why did it make Tom so… jealous?

“You know I love you, though,” Bella said after some silence. She kissed Tom’s cheek and rested her head on her shoulder. “I wouldn’t pick anyone else over you.”

Two could play at this game. He had his lovely girlfriend here after all.

“I love you too,” Tom told her as he squeezed her shoulders. “And you really better not pick anyone else over me…”

“I’d never.”

Was it cheating if she didn’t know who she was really kissing? Tom nudged her so she could look at him. He put on his best “I’m totally in love with you” eyes, like Peter Parker looking at Liz Allan. Except it was with Ethan’s face, but it reeled Bella in just as well. He stroked the side of her face with his free hand, looking into her pretty brown eyes. She really was beautiful. Ethan was really fucking lucky.

Not wasting anymore time, Tom leaned in and kissed her. In the last few days, he hadn’t properly made out with her, and he was pleasantly surprised. He didn’t want to stop anytime soon, not with a girl like her.

Bella’s fingers ran through his hair, pulling him in closer. All this time without any intimacy must have been frustrating. Tom gently lied her down across the sofa, hovering over her, but suddenly her hands went to his shoulders and pushed him back.

She took a deep breath, looking windswept. “Um… is the hiatus over?”

“What?” he breathed out, put off that the fun was interrupted.

“Are you actually into this?” she asked. “Or are you trying to distract yourself from… whatever’s been going on with you?”

Tom sat back, averting eye contact. Bella sat up as well, watching him.

“You can talk to me, Ethan,” she reassured as she took his hand.

Ethan. The real boyfriend. The person she thought she was talking to. The person Tom made a deal with.

“Distractions,” he said at last, looking down at their hands. His stomach turned at the sight of the scars on Bella’s wrist, and let go of her hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s okay,” she soothed.

Time to ham it up.

“I’m just… I feel like I’m losing control,” he told her, although it was slightly astonishing how much truth there actually was to that. “I can’t do anything right. I think I’ve lost myself somehow… Or, I just want to be somebody else. I don’t want it to always be like this.”

Okay, all of that was true. He was thinking of Ethan and the eventual switch back. Say they manage to pull that off, would Tom continue to be the person he was before? Being spread way too thin, with no time for family or Zendaya? He missed everything he had before, surely he wouldn’t take it for granted when things were back to normal.

“You feel… depressed?” Bella guessed, and Tom nodded. “I know what you’re going through. It’s like you told me, it’s not always going to be like this. And in order to change, you have to want that change, or else it’s always gonna be the same.”

Seems like they knew what to say to each other. This couple knew how to communicate and how to pick each other back up. How did they do that without wanting to rip each other’s heads off? Tom couldn’t listen to Zendaya without getting really, irrationally angry at her, and he didn’t know why. He felt a lot of things for her though, he just couldn’t word any of it, and it made him angry.

“I think…” he trailed off. “I think I have more feelings than I know what to do with.”

Bella nodded in agreement. “That makes two of us. It makes the shitty things pretty shitty, but the good things are even better. You just have to embrace the good.”

Why didn’t Tom have a friend like this in his other life? What would Harrison have told him? Probably would have given him a pint and called it a day.

When he didn’t have anything else to say, Bella continued on.

“You know what I got today?”

“Hm?”

She smiled and took the case off her phone, and pulled out a small, red coin from the inside. She put the coin in his hand, and he got a look at it.

“To thine own self be true,” it read around the edges. In the middle there was a number in a triangle. “1 month recovery.”

Well, that was something Tom never would have guessed about her. How could such a pretty face have a background like this? Then again, she had what could only be seen as self harm scars on her body…

“It’s actual proof that things can change,” she told him. “I was such a mess last month… and the month before. And especially at the beginning of this year. But I’ve turned things around, and you definitely can too. And I’m here for you. Okay?”

Tom was still looking at the coin in his hand, masking his shock. But he finally looked at her and nodded. “Thank you, love.”

~

He went home after Bella had fallen asleep. She sleeps a lot. After that short, but incredibly greedy make out, Tom couldn’t find it in himself to play the role of the boyfriend for any longer. That, and Ethan’s friend Andrew (a different one from the Wowie video - he knew like three of them) had texted him about a podcast they had to record. Seemed easy enough, and it was a good excuse to get away from Bella. He sat at the breakfast bar with a bowl of mac and cheese (that was all Ethan had to eat around here) and was typing on his phone.

“First of all, congratulations on your freaking amazing relationship. I had a little chat with bella about depression (her and all your friends think you’re depressed btw) and she really knew what to say. Idk how you guys do it. Secondly, i didn’t know she was an alcoholic. She showed me her very first sobriety chip and was really proud that she made it a month without drinking. Thought I should let you know, she seems pretty happy with herself.”

After sending that, Tom looked through the messages he exchanged with Mark yesterday. He cringed at all that went down, but he was relieved that no one had gotten fired. He wouldn’t know what he would have done if it happened. What would Sonji have done?

Thinking of the psychic lady prompted Tom to tell Ethan what had happened. Sonji probably would have slapped Tom with a lightning bolt from the sky if he kept it to himself any longer.

“Alsoisentanangrytexttomarkyesterdayandnowhesreallymadatmeoryouoridkanywaygn” There, that should do it. He also added screenshots for some context, but he didn’t mention that Bella was thinking about the breakup with Mark.

Fifteen minutes later, Ethan replied.

“You did what now”

_______

tag list: @beardedsteveslut @marie-is-in-the-dark @ohsnapitzmoony

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next

[violenceeisgolden]

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.

[fairycosmos]

--TW EATING D. --idk why but i keep convincing myself i dont have and ED?? like i fast for hours and then binge like crazy. there was one time i did a ''water fast'' for 6 days. i didnt eat for 6 days. no one in my family said anything but like that is fucking alarming??? no one fucking does that. i also cant recognize my body sometimes. mirrors makes me suicidal. im sorry idk what this is. i just feel totally insane. btw PLS DONT ANWSER THIS IF IT MAKES U FEEL BAD or triggered ILYSM

:(( fuck i’m sorry babe, that sounds so painful and stressful holy shit??? i can’t imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, god. i’m honestly proud of you for dealing with it all so far. it counts for a lot that you’re still trying and that you’re still here. to me it seems like even though you go through phases of convincing yourself you don’t have an ED, you still have a caliber of self awareness and on some level, you want to be helped. that’s a genuinely good thing. hang on to that as much as you possibly can. i mean, you’re sending this ask, right? even that’s a good start. and you know it’s fucked up/dangerous not to eat for six days, you know mirrors shouldn’t make you suicidal, you know this isn’t healthy or right. you have to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend if they were going through what you’re going through. force yourself to take on that perspective, so you don’t get trapped in the ED’s lies. even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise, try your hardest to stay grounded in the facts of reality: you’re in a very unhealthy place right now, you’re doing serious damage to your body and you can’t trust your brain when it tells you not to eat, or that you’re gross, or whatever kind of bullshit it spews at you. it is actively trying to sabotage you. it wants you to feel depressed and alone because that makes you easier to control. you don’t have to fully buy into it. you are stronger than you will ever fully realize. i’m not saying you have to suddenly start eating normally again, obviously. i’m not saying you have to have everything figured out - it’s ok not to know what to do. i get that ED’s and logic don’t go together very well. but it’s about making small, positive changes, right? eating half a snack. disconnecting your worth from your body in your head. and above all, reaching out. making the active choice to put a stop to this before it’s too late. it’s in your control, not the eating disorder’s, but yours. 

and listen i’m really fuckin pissed off and kind of appalled that your family didn’t notice that you didn’t eat for so long. that’s insane. and you deserve so, so much more than that. your ED will probably use it as an excuse - if no one noticed, you can continue, right? if no one cares, why should you, right? but that’s just another form of toxic thinking that is going to kill you in the end. i don’t know why your family is so oblivious to your struggles, but it’s not a reflection of you or because of anything you did. it’s not your fault. and it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to deny yourself the help that that you very clearly need. are you still in school? if you are, i think it’d be a really good idea to talk to a teacher or the counselor about what’s going on. if that’s not an option, maybe call a hotline or look into mental health resources in your community, such as support groups. (there has to be something, there will be, if you seek it out.) or go to your regular doctor and let them know that you need help, even if you have to tell someone in your family first in order to do that. fucking scream it at them if you have to. you don’t have to be quiet about this anymore, you don’t have to accept what you’re doing to yourself. i know you don’t want to talk. i know every part of you is rejecting this idea. but i’m trying to be straight up, and i’m trying to stop you from doing any more serious harm to yourself. it’s over. you don’t want to live like this anymore, and you don’t have to. but the way to achieve that is by seeking the professional guidance that you need. going to long term counseling/therapy, learning simple coping mechanisms and thinking patterns, developing a care plan to make sure you’re getting the nutrients you need even when it feels like the most impossible thing in the universe. all of those things will let you breathe again. no matter how scary they are at first. the bottom line is this: you don’t deserve to live a life that is controlled by food and anxiety and self consciousness. there is so much more to you, and to the world, than that. i promise, you don’t have to hurt yourself physically to show that you’re hurting emotionally. you can communicate instead, and it will be okay. you’re not alone, i swear. so many people have been where you are at the moment, so many people have felt what you’re feeling. you don’t have to act like your only otpion is fighting this by yourself, alright? your family isn’t your only option. seriously. this isn’t a sustainable way of life, man. it’s going to end one way or another - you might as well make the right choice and put your mental health first for once. please, please consider it for now. even just calling a hotline anonymously will give you some sort of idea of what to do to help yourself in the future. you’re not going to regret opening up to people, especially professionals, but you WILL regret hurting yourself to such an extreme extent if you don’t at least try to stop. it’s alright for it to take a lot of time and energy. it’s supposed to a be a process. and you’re allowed to feel however you want to about it - angry, scared, sad, exhausted. register all of, let it wash over you. and do your best to cope in a healthy way. as long as you don’t let these temporary thoughts/emotions control whether or not you talk to someone. you know logically what you need to do. please attempt to do it when you’re ready. i’m rooting for you so much. i know you’re capable. i believe in you and your ability to get through this with all of my heart and soul :( i hope you’re okay. sending my love. if you want to talk more about it, or if you need a friend, please message me anytime. i’m always here.

https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-have-an-eating-disorder-1138275

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/overcome-negative-thinking