#NO because no other series has ever gave me this much emotional distress & trauma before wtf

[starlitabyss14]

It's 2am and I'm currently having an emotional breakdown over a fictional show I watched almost 3 years ago...

[codename-adler]

Dear Tumblr toxicity,

Hi. Adler here. We need to talk.

- TW: mental health issues, depression, bipolar disorder, self-harm, homophobia, transphobia, coming out, xenophobia, islamophobia, racism, implied sexual content, rape, non-con, addictions, abuse, parental negligence, depictions of violence, swearing (please message me kindly if I forget anything)

- What prompted this message: The release of Skam France S7 teaser (emphasis on teaser, will get into that below)

- Where I’m coming from: I will talk from the pov of a white, cis and queer 22-years-old woman (she/her); this is the pov that affects my experiences and the opinions I will share below; but my message comes from a place of deep hurt, and love

- What this is about: My goal is to share a recurring experience that has hurt me in order to spread a message of awareness, maturity, peace and love

- Central content: Skam France, Skam Wtfock, and Skam/remakes in general

From now on I will assume people have enough information for me to talk about the topics without explaining every plotline/character. There are plenty of wiki pages to help you out and I will gladly answer any (respectful) questions asked if a plothole bothers your comprehension of my message. I’m only making these assumptions in order to alleviate the text.

January 9th, 2021.

The francetv slash YouTube channel releases an unexpected teaser video for an equally unexpected seventh season Skam France. The video features Tiffany, a white, cis female teenager, going into labour from denial pregnancy just after winning what appears to be a gymnastics championship. Overall, the video and its release are very dramatic.

The character of Tiffany, also called Tiff, was previously seen on season 6 of Skam France as a bully who persecuted the main character, Lola, both at school and on social media. Outside of this characterization, nothing is known about her. It is majorly accepted that Tiff is not a liked character; she rather poses as one of the antagonists of Lola’s arc.

Now you know the details of what happened, in the most objectively possible way. 

Now I’ll speak for myself.

Before I went digging around for people’s reaction, here is what I initially thought of this video.

1) Shock: I thought Skam France was over, so... Big, big shock.

2) Excitement: I hold this web series very close to my heart. It has gotten me through depressive episodes, anxiety attacks, coming out to my best friend. To see this new development? It couldn’t bring me more joy.

3) Curiosity: I recognized Tiff immediately. I was intrigued as to what would happen to her to set off a new season in true Skam Fr fashion. As soon as she started gripping her stomach, I knew she was pregnant and wasn’t aware of it. Big, big surprise here again.

4) Numbness/Overthinking: As I stared at my screen, motionless, my mind went off. What did it mean? How did she not know? Who is the father? Do we know him? Will the baby survive? Where are the other characters? Will Lamifex be present? What? How? When? Why? Who?

5) Disappointment: No, I did not like Tiff one bit in S6. Yes, I sincerely wished for a season on either Jo (ambiguous and funny teenage girl, cis + white), Sekou (seemingly neurodivergent teenage boy, cis + black), and my favorite, Max (mysterious and grave teenage boy, trans + white) So why Tiff? It felt to me like a missed opportunity, but I did not lose hope.

So, these were the five stages of my emotional process. And then I made the terrible mistake to go look for the fans’ reaction. I didn’t even look at the YT comments, I didn’t go on Instagram, I went directly here on Tumblr. Why? I’m still asking myself that. From S1 to S6 of Skam Fr, I kept my love for the show to myself and only looked at ig and video edits. I tried once, and only once, to look it up on Tumblr, and was greeted by fervent agressivity, disrespect and hate. Why did I ever forget that after watching the S7 teaser? I still don’t know.

The reactions on this platform were wild. People are furious (I get that). People are disappointed (I get that). People are anxious (I get that). People are also verbally agressive, insensitive, hateful, disrespectful and bullies. I don’t get that.

Comments along the lines of “What she gonna do with a fucking baby?”, “Are we gonna watch the baby do nothing all fucking season?”, “Wowwww, teenage pregnancy, so new and relatable!” (note the sarcasm made in the comment here), “Who gives a shit about Tiff?”, etc. 

And then all the mistakes Skam Fr ever made flooded back onto the feed. The wlw misrepresentation, the whitewashing, the overdramatization, the dubious sex scenes between minors, all of it.

Let’s take a break here. Do I condone these mistakes? Nope. Am I a white-bully apologist? Nope. Did I forget every horrible action Tiff has made in the past? Nope. She manipulated a whole school against Lola, she profited from Lola’s mother’s death, she bullied her, harrassed her, pushed her deeper into mental distress. Tiff was a despicable character that I never once liked. The way she was played by the actress made it clear that Tiff was not intended to be a good guy. If I could replace her as the main of S7, I would, in a heartbeat. I’d choose, as I said, Jo, Sekou or Max.

Skam France deeply lacks diversity and made mistakes when attempting to diverse the issues represented. This is not an opinion, it’s a fact. 

Poc representation is very, very low. Only one season has a woc of Islam beliefs as mc (Imane, S4) with poc entourage/family. Only 2 other characters not related to Imane were poc (Sekou and Sarah, S1-S2). These 2 characters were very in the background and served to further the mc’s plotline, they had no real content. (I am not a poc, and so my opinion does not matter here. If you are not poc, your “opinions” don’t matter here, this point is not for you to debate. These are facts.)

While I do not particularly find the wlw representation bad, I do understand how it hurts/bothers other queer women. From my perspective, the bar was very low regarding my expectations of the Lola/Maya pair (none of them died *yay* they had a happy ending *yay* they were not typically overfeminized or overmasculinized *yay* Lola  and Maya were respectful of each other, understood each other, accepted each other with all their flaws and their beauty *yay* I truly believed in their love and it gave me confidence and hope *yay* I ould really go on but this is not my main point so I’ll stop here) Regardless of my opinion on Mayla, I understand that to some queer women, it was bothering/hurtful. (If you are anything other than a woman / wlw, this point is not for you to debate. Keep your “opinions” to yourself, it does not matter here. These are facts.)

Like every remake of the original Skam where the S4 was given to Sana/Imane, the Muslim community was not represented at its best, at its most beautiful and respectfully. The character of Imane, although she is my favorite girl of the series, was not portrayed in a way that respected the majority of the Muslim community. (If you are anything other than Muslim, this point is not for you to debate. Our opinions do not matter here. These are facts.)

And so the same goes for the portrayal of sexual assault and child pronography in S2, of mental illness and homophobia in S3, of disabilities in S5, of addiction, transphobia, self-harm and neurodivergence in S6. Again, if you are not part of these communities, your opinions do not matter on these issues. These are facts that are not up for debate.

In other words, Skam France, as well as the original Skam, Skam Wtfock, Skam España, and probably all the others I haven’t watched in their entirety, are NOT perfect shows. They (maybe) tried their best to portray issues of the younger generations that are ugly, shameful, taboo, hard-to-swallow-pills. Of course they made mistakes. Of course they have to be held accountable. Of course they can and should do better. Of course it must be spoken about.

Here is my problem.

The so-called “fans” shamelessly SHITTING on the WHOLE show because of ONE TEASER TRAILER. (btw, this is where I get angry)

I am not talking about the fans making fun of the show and this season’s premise like “Better MCs than Tiff for S7: a romance between the car that almost hit Lucas S3 and the car that hit Arthur S5, or the school’s nurse, or Imane’s dad, or Elu’s rabbit” (that shit’s funny and I’d watch all of these).Or the joke about Wtfock and Skam Fr shaking hands while signing the same contract to disappoint the fans with white MCs (it’s funny cuz it’s trueeeee).

I am not talking about the fans criticizing the producers’ choice of Tiff as MC. There is a difference between shitting on issues and adressing/discussing them. I WANT to talk about how this season’s issue would have been so much better if a woc, specifically a black woman, had been the MC, because black women and doctors are a whole different level of issue than white women and doctors. Add on top of that an unplanned teenage pregnancy? It would have been IMMACULATE. I WANT to talk which wlw couple was better represented, Mayla or Croana/Crisana, and why is that. I WANT to talk about disabilities in black and poc communities. I WANT to talk about headcanons, AUs, to rectify the missed marks. I WANT to talk about our takes on seasons about Max, Sekou and Jo, instead of Tiff’s.

I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHITTY, NEGATIVE, UNHELPFUL, HURTFUL COMMENTS.

Just because the protagonist is white, doesn’t give you ANY right to dismiss the issue that is unplanned teenage pregnancy. This is a problem that affects countries WORLDWIDE. Do you know how many deaths are related to minors giving birth? Do you know how many babies die at birth from these pregnancies? Do you have any idea the trauma it puts you through, to go into labor without even knowing you were pregnant in the first place, and then giving birth, and then having to care for a defensless human being? The dilemma of keeping it, or giving it away? The fear that lives in every person able to give birth, that one day they’ll become pregnant, because society turns sych a shameful look to that? No matter your ethnicity, your gender identity, your sexuality, your political stance or whatever shit you bring up to justify your disgraceful and downright degrading comments, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT A MINOR GIVING BIRTH IS NOT AN ISSUE. 

You think the topic has been covered plenty before? Yeah, because shows like “16 and pregnant” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” are such good examples and show the reality with such an objective point of view! 

Bullshit. Teenage pregnancy is still a taboo, it still kills, and people are still morons about it. 

“Well I guess everybody is secretly pregnant now!” No, Jessica, but you wouldn’t know about it, would you? Because I wouldn’t tell you shit if you were my “friend” and I was going through it. The whole message of all the Skams is not that it presents super relatable issues of teenagers, although it is a big topic of the show. They present some issues that affect the youth in an authentic light, but that’s not it.

Tous les gens que tu rencontres mènent un combat dont tu ignores tout. 

Sois indulgente. Toujours. x x x

//

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Be kind. Always. x x x

THAT’S THE MESSAGE. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SHOW.

And you all missed it.

All of you making dead baby jokes and death threats, degrading people who give birth, shaming teenagers for their pregnancies... Listen to yourselves.

“Well she deserves it, she was such a bitch!” No, Michael, you shit stick. Let’s rewind a bit for you, yeah? It was a GOD DAMN TEASER. We literally know nothing! Nothing at all! Why are y’all getting mad when we saw 3:25 minutes representing a whole ass season! Listen to yourselves. Y’all judge so fast for people pretending to love Skam and its authenticity and its motto.

You say Tiff is irredeemable?

Emma cheated on her boyfriend.

Manon lied and manipulated her friends.

Lucas was homophobic and prejudiced agaisnt mentally ill people.

Imane was homophobic too and went behind her friends’ back to get what she wanted.

Arthur cheated on his girlfriend too.

Lola dragged Elliot down with her in her addiction, lied, was verbally abusive, etc.

ALL THE MAINS ARE PROBLEMATIC.

Any guess why?

BECAUSE THEY ARE TEENAGERS. THEY ARE STILL GROWING AND LEARNING.

Yet we still loved them all. 

So don’t you dare tell me that Tiff deserves this, that her baby deserves to die, that teenage motherhood is irrelevant. Motherhood is not a curse in the first place, nor is it something to wish to inflict upon anyone. Motherhood is different for every single person and nobody except the person living with it can have an opinion on that. We don’t even know if the baby survived, for God’s sake!

There is no excuse for this kind of behavior..

It makes me so angry. Women are discriminated against in a fandom I thought was safe, again and again and again. 

I have to stop here because, well, this is just too much. There is much wrong with Skam (the original AND all the remakes), but there is even more wrong with the fans. I’m done.

You don’t support the show anymore? Fine, then don’t watch it! If I really am wrong, the number of viewers will go down and the show will die, just like you wished. There is no need to be vicious about it. 

I hope y’all are proud of your misogyny. 

Sincerely,

Adler.

[fullregalia]

20/20.

This year, in hindsight, was a real write-off. I had grand plans for it, and while I ushered it in in a very low-key manner since I was recovering from the flu, I’d expected things to look up. Well, you know what they say about plans (RIP, my trip to Europe). I got very, very sick in early February, and I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t COVID. Since March, the days have been a carousel of monotony: coffee, run, work, cook, yoga, existential spiral, sleep. My Own Private Year of Rest and Relaxation, if you will. Of course, life has a way of breaking through regardless; I attended protests, completed my thesis, graduated from grad school, took a couple of road trips upstate, and celebrated the accomplishments and birthdays of friends and family from a safe social distance. It was all a bit of a blur, and not ideal circumstances to re-enter the real world, or whatever this COVID-present is. 

Throughout it all, in lieu of happy hours, coffee dates, and panel discussions, I’ve turned even more to culture and cuisine to fill the the negative space on my calendar where my social life once resided. However, since a global pandemic ought not to disrupt every tradition, here’s my year-end round up of what made this terrible one slightly more tolerable. 

TV

After an ascetic fall semester abstaining from TV in 2019 (save for my beloved Succession), I allowed myself to watch more as the year wore on, and especially after graduation. I caught up on some cultural blind spots by finally getting around to The Sopranos, Ramy, Search Party, and Girlfriends. I wasn’t alone in bingeing Sopranos, it absolutely lived up to the hype and then some; this Jersey Girl can’t get enough gabagool-adjacent content, pizzeria culture is my culture!

Speaking of my culture, there was also a disproportionate amount of UK and European shows in my queue. Nothing like being in social isolation and watching the horny Irish teens in Normal People brood. I’m partial to it because I share a surname with the showrunner, so I have to embrace blind loyalty even though there was, in my opinion, a Marianne problem in the casting. Speaking of charming Irish characters with limited emotional vocabularies, I belatedly discovered This Way Up a 2019 show from Aisling Bea and Sharon Horgan. And while Connell and Marianne are actually exceptional students, I found the real normal people on GBBO to bring me a bit more joy. Baking was abundantly therapeutic for me this year, and watching charming people drink loads of tea and fret over soggy bottoms was a comfort. I also discovered the Great Pottery Throw Down, and as a lifelong ceramics enthusiast, I cannot recommend it highly enough if you care about things like slips, coils, and glazing techniques. GPTD embraces wabi sabi in a way that GBBO eschews flaws in favor of perfection, and in a time of uncertainty, the former reminded me why I miss getting my hands in the mud as a coping mechanism (hence all the baking). Speaking of coping mechanisms, like everybody else with two eyes and an HBO password, I loved Michaela Cole’s I May Destroy You; though we’ve all had enough distress this year for a lifetime, watching Cole’s Arabella process her assault and search for meaning, justice, and closure was a compelling portrait of grief and purpose in the aftermath of trauma. Arabella’s creative and patient friends Kwame and Terry steal the show throughout, as they deal with their own setbacks and emotional turmoil. Where I May Destroy You provides catharsis, Ted Lasso presents British eccentricity in all its stereotypical glory. At first I was skeptical of the show’s hype on Twitter, but once I gave in it charmed me, if only for Roy Kent’s emotional trajectory and extolling the restorative powers of shortbread. For a more accurate depiction of life in London, Steve McQueen’s series Small Axe provides a visually lush and politically clear-eyed depiction of the lives of British West Indians in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Lastly, how could I get through a recap of my year in tv if I don’t mention The Crown. Normal People may have needed an intimacy coordinator, but the number of Barbours at Balmoral was the real phonographic content for me.

Turning my attention across the Channel, after the trainwreck that was Emily in Paris, I started watching a proper French show, Call My Agent! It’s truly delightful, and unlike the binge-worthy format of "ambient shows” I have been really relishing taking an hour each week to watch CMA, subtitles, cigarettes, and all.

Honorable mention: The Last Dance for its in-depth look at many notable former Chicago residents; High Fidelity for reminding me of the years in college when my brother and I would drive around listening to Beta Band; and Big Mouth.

Music

My Spotify wrapped this year was a bit odd. I don‘t think “Chromatica II into 911″ is technically a song, so it revealed other things about my listening habits this year, which turned out to remain very much stuck in the last, sonically. I listened to a lot more podcasts than new music this year, but there were some records that found their way into heavy rotation. While I listened to a lot of classics both old and new to write my thesis (Paul Simon, Leonard Cohen, Prokofiev, and Bach) the soundtrack to my coursework, runs, walks, and editing was more contemporary. Standouts include: 

Saint Cloud by Waxahatchee, which makes me feel like I’m breathing fresh air even when I’m stuck inside all day 

La Bella Vita by Niia, which was there for me when I walked past my ex on 7th avenue (twice!) and he pretended that I didn’t exist 

Fetch the Bolt Cutters by THEE Fiona Apple, because Fiona, our social distancing queen, has always been my Talmud, her songs shimmering, evolving, and living with me every year 

Shore by Fleet Foxes, for the long drive to the Catskills 

Women in Music, Pt. III by HAIM, because these days, these days...

Musicians have been reckoning with tumult this year as much as the rest of us, and the industry has dealt with loss on all fronts. I’d be remiss not to talk about how the passing of John Prine brought his music into my life, and McCoy Tyner, who has been a companion through good and bad over the years. 

Honorable mention to: græ by Moses Sumney; The Main Thing by Real Estate; on the tender spot of every calloused moment by Ambrose Akinmusire; Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers; folklore by you know who; and songs by Adrianne Lenker. 

Reading

What would this overlong blob be without a list of the best things I read this year? While I left publishing temporarily, books, the news, and newsletters still took up a majority of my attention (duh and/or doomscrolling by any other name). I can’t be comprehensive, and frankly, there are already great roundups of the best longform this year out there, so this is mostly books and praising random writers. 

Last year I wrote about peak newsletter. Apparently, my prediction was a bit premature as this year saw an even bigger Substack Boom. But two new newsletters in particular have delighted me: Aminatou Sow’s Crème de la Crème and Hunter Harris’ Hung Up (her ”this one line” series is true force of chaotic good on Blue Ivy’s internet). Relatedly, Sow and Ann Friedman’s Big Friendship was gifted to me by a dear friend and another bff and I are going to read it in tandem next week. 

On the “Barack Obama published a 700+ page memoir, crippling the printing industry’s supply chains” front, grad school severely hamstrung my ability to read for pleasure, but I managed to get through almost 30 books this year, some old (Master and Margarita), most new-ish (Say Nothing, Nickel Boys). Four 2020 books in particular enthralled me:

Uncanny Valley: Anna Wiener’s memoir has been buzzed about since n+1 published her essay of the same name in 2016. Her ability to see, clear-eyed, the industry for both its foibles and allure captured that era when the excess and solipsism of the Valley seemed more of a cultural quirk than the harbinger of societal schism.  

Transcendent Kingdom: Yaa Gyasi’s novel about faith, family, loss, and--naturally--grad school was deeply empathetic, relatable, and moving. I think this was my favorite book of the year. Following the life of a Ghanaian family that settles in Alabama, it captured the kind of emotional ennui that comes from having one foot in the belief of childhood and one foot in the bewilderment that comes from losing faith in the aftermath of tragedy.  

Vanishing Half: Similarly to Transcendent Kingdom, Brit Bennett’s novel about siblings who are separated; it’s also about the ways that colorism can be internalized and the ways chosen family can (and cannot) replace your real kin. It was a compassionate story that captured the pain of abuse and abandonment in two pages in a way that Hanya Yanagihara couldn’t do in 720.

Dessert Person: Ok, so this is a cookbook, but it’s a good read, and the recipes are approachable and delicious. After all the BA Test Kitchen chaos this summer, it’s nice we didn’t have to cancel Claire. Make the thrice baked rye cookies!!!! You will thank me later.

Honorable mention goes to: Leave The World Behind for hitting the Severance/Station Eleven dystopian apocalypse novel sweet spot; Exciting Times for reminding me why I liked Sally Rooney; and Summer by Ali Smith, which wasn’t the strongest of the seasonal quartet, but was a series I enjoyed for two years.  

Podcasts

I’m saving my most enthusiastic section for last: ever since 2018, I’ve been listening to an embarrassing amount of podcasts. Moving into a studio apartment will do that to you, as will grad school, add a pandemic to that equation and there’s a lot of time to fill with what has sort of become white noise to me (or, in one case, nice white parents noise). In addition to the shows that I’ve written about before (Still Processing, Popcast, Who? Weekly, and Why is This Happening?), these are the shows I started listening to this year that fueled my parasocial fire:

You’re Wrong About: If you like history, hate patriarchy, and are a millennial, you’ll love Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes’ deep dives into the most notable stories of the past few decades (think Enron and Princess Diana) and also some other cultural flashpoints that briefly but memorably shaped the national discourse (think Terri Schiavo, Elian González, and the Duke Lacrosse rape case).

Home Cooking: This mini series started (and ended) during the pandemic. As someone who stress baked her way through the past nine months, Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway’s show is filled with warmth, banter, and useful advice. Home Cooking has been a reassuring companion in the kitchen, and even though it will be a time capsule once we’re all vaccinated and close talking again, it’s still worth a listen for tips and inspiration while we’re hunkered down for the time being. 

How Long Gone: I don’t really know how to explain this other than saying that media twitter broke my brain and enjoying Chris Black and Jason Stewart’s ridiculous banter is the price I pay for it.

Blank Check: Blank Check is like the GBBO of podcasts--Griffin Newman and David Sims’ enthusiasm for and encyclopedic knowledge of film, combined with their hilarious guests and inevitable cultural tangents is always a welcome distraction. Exploring a different film from a director’s oeuvre each week over the course of months, the podcast delves into careers and creative decisions with the passion of completists who want to honor the filmmaking process even when the finished products end up falling short. The Nancy Meyers and Norah Ephron series were favorites because I’d seen most of the movies, but I also have been enjoying the Robert Zemeckis episodes they’re doing right now. The possibility of Soderbergh comes up often (The Big Picture just did a nice episode about/with him), and I’d love to hear them talk about his movies or Spike Lee (or, obviously, Martin Scorsese).      

Odds & Ends

If you’re still reading this, you’re a real one, so let’s get into the fun stuff. This was a horrible way to start a new decade, but at least we ended our long national nightmare. We got an excellent dumb twitter meme. I obviously made banana bread, got into home made nut butters, and baked an obscene amount of granola as I try to manifest a future where I own a Subaru Outback. Amanda Mull answered every question I had about Why [Insert Quarantine Trend] Happens. My brother started an organization that is working to eliminate food insecurity in LA. Discovering the Down Dog app allowed me to stay moderately sane, despite busting both of my knees in separate stupid falls on the criminally messed up sidewalks and streets of Philadelphia. I can’t stop burning these candles. Jim Carrey confused us all. We have a Jewish Second Gentleman! Grub Street Diets continued to spark joy. Dolly Parton remains America’s Sweetheart (and possible vaccine savior). And, last, but certainly not least: no one still knows how to pronounce X Æ A-12 Boucher-Musk.

[feuilly-cakes]

The Maze Runner (series) - review

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one. My thoughts on the series as a whole is that it’s an alright one, and you’ll soon see why the praise isn’t higher there. I’ll go book by book with my thoughts on each, so you can know exactly the way my feelings progressed to this point.

Book 1: The Maze Runner - 5*

I gave this book a 5 star rating, but honestly it's been nearly 2 months since then and I'm still not sure on that rating. Ideally, 5 stars for me means I got so attached to the characters I cried or had some other emotion, but that didn't happen here. Instead, I got a fantastic plot with a ton of mystery and a lot of terror, all with amazing writing but uninteresting characters. I won't say they are flat characters, because they aren't, but I didn't really feel a connection with them. There is only so much you can relate to a character who has no history.

Thomas is obviously the main character and so we see everything from his perspective, and we do see his emotions, his personality, his struggle. He spends a good portion of the book confused, angry, sad, frustrated. He's not a flat, boring character by any means, but for some reason I just didn't feel that connection I usually do with main characters. Maybe it's a side effect of the third person limited narration, or maybe he just isn't a character I can relate to, but I wasn't really interested emotionally in his character. I didn't need to be really, because the plot more than made up for it.

When it comes to the plot, I found no faults. It was fast paced and had me asking questions the whole way through, and most of them even got answered. Most of the questions pertained to how the Maze worked; How was it so high up that the box rose for half an hour? What was really around The Cliff and how were they seeing stars below them? How did the walls move? Was it actually indoors or not and how would that even work anyway? I love when I’m constantly asking questions and coming up with theories while reading, and this book was one huge question mark. Just the memories plot alone had me on the edge of my seat, and I wanted to know more.

If you only read books for the characters and their personal arcs, this might be a bit weak on that for you. If you love a good mystery mixed in with a bit of horror and sci-fi elements, plus a dash of dystopia (which I’m sure will become a big dollop in the next book) then this is absolutely the best thing to read. It’s definitely a 5 star quality, just in my personal opinion not a 5 star emotion.

Book 2: The Scorch Trials - 3*

Honestly, this was not anywhere near as enjoyable as the first book. Technically speaking it was a well written book, but personally I didn’t find it great, simply okay - average. Enjoyable to an extent but irritating to a certain degree. I kept reading because I expected something to be answered but all I got was confused. After watching all the films and powering through the first book I genuinely expected so much more from this and I was let down.

It’s darker and more gory than the first book, with some shocking scenes that kept me going. I did appreciate all the dream flashbacks from Thomas that helped put together what exactly he had to do with the Maze. Outside of these dreams I just didn’t know what was going on half the time and I felt frustrated by it all. His backstory was legit the only reason I was interested at all. I didn’t really care where they were going or their journey, l just wanted to know about his missing memories.

I understand this one was to set up the world a bit more and go into character development, but this was the most mediocre of middle book syndrome books. I can honestly say here I preferred the film.

Book 3: The Death Cure - 4*

Oh boy with this one. I have a very immediate reaction with lots of spoilers here on my goodreads if anyone wants to see that, but I'll summarise with the good spoilery bits cut out.

Well, my brain hurts.

This book honestly started out kinda meh, with some interesting tidbits thrown in. Then it got less meh, but more disturbing. Whether all of it was really that bad or whether it was bad because of the real world parallels right now I do not know, but I got a little bit messed up by everything that happened in Denver. The worldbuilding became more relevant here, we learn more about the Flare, the way people are living alongside it and/or with it, and the way Cranks are really treated. We get to find out about The Purge too, which I'll leave as a lovely surprise for those of you who haven't yet read, but what happened and my loud opinions are through that goodreads link if you want entertainment.

And on that note, let's talk Teresa. Full disclosure, I went into this trilogy already loving the films, and I still stand by that love. The treatment of Teresa in those films, however, was abysmal, and to read her actual character arc, well, I was enraged. Her arc in these books is fantastic, and the way she grows and realises the consequences of her actions is actually realistic, especially after all the trauma of the trials. We barely even see her and yet we see most of her character arc in this book. Simply getting her memories back wouldn't make her forget all the horror and go back to Wicked, and the way it was all handled was super satisfying. It does all make me wonder if perhaps she knew about the Brain thing, though. I won't know until I read that prequel story so until then I'll just have to speculate [currently reading that, still don't know]. On a similar note the Chancellor Page storyline was bizarrely different, and I had a shock when we get to interact (?) with her in the capacity we did.

Chapter 56 can choke. I knew it was coming okay, yet it still made me feel like I was punched in the chest. Especially after the previous scenes where we see things happen with a certain character in a scary way.

I can't talk about the Brain thing. It's disturbing to think about and I will be repressing the memory of that whole section of the book as soon as I can. It also kicks off a series of horrifying imagery and tragic events that hurt my emotions. All I can really say is that it's a strong ending to a trilogy, and if you're here you probably got past the travesty that was The Scorch Trials so this book will be a breeze compared to that, just be wary of the medical horror and the horror in general, since it's pretty graphic.

You may notice I haven't discussed Thomas, and that is because I'm too messed up by the Brain thing. The medical horror plus his reaction to the knowledge of what was about to happen knocked me flat emotionally and I may never get past that in terms of these books. No one has ever mentioned the Brain thing in any fan space I've been in, and that's for a good reason. Just know Thomas grew on me slowly just in time to cause me great distress. That is all.

Book 4: The Kill Order - 4*

I kind of loved this book, but as a friend. It basically shows the story of the Flare virus' bad beginnings in the world, with flashbacks to the solar flares that caused all the initial devastation. It was one hell of a page turner. It read like it was just meant to be a film, if you know what I mean. It does stand alone if you don’t read the prologue.

I honestly wasn’t expecting to get quite so many tidbits of information about the actual Flares event itself; to be honest I was expecting this to be a typical zombie kind of story that starts after the beginning and ends before the end, but it actually starts at ground zero on day 1 of the Flare (outside of the control group that is). I thought it was horrifying and fascinating to see how quickly it mutates and the effects changes, and also how the characters react knowing that they’ve probably been exposed to it from the beginning. Seeing the inside of the mind of one the earliest Cranks as they become infected was amazingly interesting after seeing how Newt acted in the Death Cure when he got sick.

The flashbacks to the Solar Flares and its aftermath were just terrifying. The imagery was horrifying and the whole concept of sun flares and then massive floods of boiling hot water put me right on edge even though obviously they were alive at the start of the book. Something that massively surprised me as I read was that the Flare virus had only been around for 13 years before the start of The Maze Runner, and it only took the government 1 year after the solar flares to decide to kill off part of the population. No other dystopian I’ve read can top that level of evilness from governmental systems.

Aside from the horror aspect, I was also mightily confused and a bit amused-but-also-horrified at the cult. If you’ve read it you know. If you haven’t yet then you’ve got a storm coming let me tell you. Although we see in Death Cure that Cranks form mobs with a common purpose and of course they they lose their minds, I wasn’t at all expecting to see an actual cult just casually thrown in. It just adds to the madness of the story and actually fit right in among the other craziness of what went down.

My one question is: is DeeDee Teresa? (She was! It was implied in the next book.)

The reason I didn't rate this higher despite my enjoyment was that it just isn't a book I would reread. It's like an action film or horror film that you really enjoyed and appreciated but won't stick around for too long.

Book 5: The Fever Code: 3* on Goodreads, 2.5* in my heart

This one was a slog to get through. It goes over Thomas' life in Wicked, from the first few days to the day he goes into the maze. I didn't like it very much at all. My biggest problem was the torture of a 4 year old only a few pages in. It ruined the rest of the book for me. My second biggest problem is that we never learn Newt’s name. The betrayal of it all is astounding.

I’ve got to be honest, I was only pushing myself to read this because I wanted to know about the purge. It doesn’t happen until pretty late in the book and nearly everything before that is terribly boring. Everything after that happens pretty quickly.

I appreciated that we get added context to some things that happened in the main trilogy, however, some things that happen take away from the story in a bad way. Dr Paige is one example of this, where in the main trilogy she only appears in a positive context to save Thomas and the other immune, while in this she does some truly evil things behind the scenes unrelated to the context of the trials (or so she tells Thomas. We don’t know how much of that was truth and how much was intended as a Variable but either way it contradicts what we know of her in the Death Cure). The huge reveal at the ending regarding Teresa is also out of nowhere and seems contradictory to the main books. How much of her actions were planned and how much were real? Why would she lead the gladers to escape if she was as this book said she was? Was it a change of mind or was this particular aspect a retcon that wasn’t intended with the original books?

This one felt like an unnecessary addition to the series and I’m disappointed by how it turned out. I expected more and got less. If it hadn’t picked up in the last 150 pages this would’ve been a 2* simply for the disappointment that equalled that of The Scorch Trials. This may be a bit harsh but I do believe the books should have ended after The Kill Order, and the rest be left to the imagination.

To end on a semi-positive note: it turns out The Brain Thing was actually mentioned to them, but it's unclear if Teresa picked up on it, as we know Thomas didn't. It all came out at a very inopportune time while they were killing a crank who knew about it. The Brain Thing isn't positive at all, but I was very excited to learn if they had any inkling and that was sort of answered!

[muchadoloo]

Hold Me By the Heart: A Peek Into the Story

Hold Me By the Heart by: muchadoloo

Description:

It was Cara who unwittingly laid it out for him.

“You hand the kid off a lot.”

The comment didn’t seem antagonistic, just thoughtful. Something about him must have screamed confusion because Cara, ever-so-observant, continued.

“Like I said, it could be a loose lead…I didn’t think it mattered at the time, just an observation. But it must be a lot on the kid, not knowing who wants him or where he belongs.” She shrugged and sipped her canteen. “Don’t get me wrong, I get it. That kid’s got a bounty over his head. Someone’s gotta protect the little guy. You can’t just stay in one place. Hell, you can barely hold him for long. I just figured the constant movement… Must be a lot.”

Din felt like someone had doused him in cold water.

———–

Or, the story where the child has separation anxiety and, go figure, refuses to be separated from Din.

Inside the Story: An Extensive Analysis

The Beginning

I started writing Hold Me By the Heart after finishing the Disney+ series. Though I absolutely adored the show, the characters, and the cinematography work, I kept questioning the developmental psychology and realism regarding Din’s relationship to the child. The more I watched the show, the more I noticed how often Din left the kid on the ship, asked a random bartender to watch him (only for the kid to wander outside with his bone broth in chapter four), gave him to other people, and rarely held the kid for a long period of time. Though I understood Din’s choices (e.g. as a bounty-hunter and Mandalorian tasked with protecting the child, there isn’t much time for nurturing), I began to wonder how Din’s way of life, the kid’s past, and both of their developmental stages would/could clash or deepen their characters? Thus, Hold Me By the Heart was born.

The Process of Writing Din Djarin

I rewatched The Mandalorian at least ten times (maybe more?) and I found myself fascinated with Din Djarin as a character. Though there is much about himself that he hides from others, there is even more that Din hides from himself. In particular, his emotional state, desires, and wants. It’s my belief that humans, more often than not, are not just their rational brains or cognitive make-up (thank you, Enlightenment). Though we’d like to think we’re purely rational creatures, I believe we’re, more often than not, directed by our loves and desires. Basically, we all have a chief love or desire that directs our hearts unconsciously. In literary or character-development terms, this is what experts call ‘the motivation’ or ‘the character’s goal.’ In every story, a character has some goal that’s motivating them throughout the storyline. What’s fascinating about Disney+’s The Mandalorian is that Din’s ‘hero’s journey’ is constantly shifting and as such, so are his desires. At first, Din is motivated by base needs (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) such as: food, fuel for the ship, security, etc. Basically, he’s just trying to survive. However, the introduction of the child literally reshapes and changes his desires and motivations. Now, as a side note, Din’s morality is insanely grey and his understanding of ‘what’s right’ in a situation changes based on the situation, rather than a strictly moral code. Thus, Din doesn’t really bat an eyelash when he breaks the Guild Code. Actually, he first begins to diverge from the Code when he asks the Imperial Client, “What are you going to do with it?” He’s never asked that question before — no one does. Thus, this moment shows us how his moral compass is altering, but alas — I digress.

In a story, the main protagonist’s desire is almost tied to their greatest fear. For instance, Din clearly loves the child and is attached to him (desire), but he’s also terrified of what he’s feeling. He doesn’t know how to be a father or be attached to anyone. Moreover, before the child, I doubt Din ever had to examine his emotions or desires closely. However, the child’s distress and separation anxiety trigger’s Din’s own anxiety. Here, is one area where Din isn’t competent: fatherhood. Din can barely take care of himself and now, he’s tasked with caring for a child. Thus, in Hold Me By the Heart, Din vacillates between keeping the kid at a respective distance and nurturing the child. The kid’s presence reminds him of the internal change and revolution Din is going through. In the story, Din’s desire to keep some distance (or, to put it better, not get too attached) has less to do with the child and more to do with Din’s own feelings. It’s easier to push something or someone away than deal with how their presence is changing you as a person. 

 When I began writing Hold Me By the Heart, I really wanted to capture Din’s character well (I’m sure there’s glaring flaws though). More than anything, though, I wanted to put his chief desires on display — his relationship and growing attachment with the child. As the series shows, Din rarely (and I mean, rarely) explains, names, or even presses into his feelings. Rather, his emotions seem to surprise him often (case study: his sorrow over the droid’s self-sacrifice). Din’s emotional world is not only foreign to him, he’s also unaware of how often his emotions seep out through his actions. Thus, I wanted to capture this behavior in the story. For instance, Din rarely names his love for the child. Rather, other people have to name it for him and it’s almost like an eureka moment for him like, “Oh, so that’s what I’m feeling!” When someone else names it, he never corrects them. Now, just for the record, Din isn’t emotionally incompetent or dumb. He’s just never needed to assess his internal world. He was raised in a strict warrior culture that focuses on strength and physical capability. The internal values (e.g. courage, bravery, honor) of the Mandalorian system is defined by their physical expressions of said values. In other words, they show what they value, rather than spend time assessing it. Moreover, their values are inextricably tied to their role as warriors. A Mandaloran shows that they are courageous through battle. Thus, Din is extremely action-oriented and active. He isn’t a static character, but rather, he’s always on the move.

Thus, I wanted to strike a tension between Din’s Mandalorian upbringing and the demands of parenthood. Because Din operates on Maslow’s lower base needs, he rarely thinks about higher ones such as: self-actualization, emotional health, etc. His context shapes him to focus heavily on survival. So, when the kid is placed in his care, Din focuses on the base needs. He makes sure the child has a comfortable place to sleep; he feeds the kid. He keeps the baby safe. Unfortunately, with the presence of the child’s separation anxiety, Din realizes that the child needs more. The kid demands the full involvement of an engaged physically and emotionally present adult. 

The Process of Writing the Child

One of the things I realized about the Disney+ series is how often the series showcases fluff between the child and Din. The fluff is so good and needed, but unfortunately, the show fails to portray the difficult realities of adoption, attachment, and development. In the series, the child is a source of innocence and cuteness in, an otherwise, violent context. Though his innocence is endearing and warrants so many heart-eyes from me, I think the child needs more nuance. The babe can eat frogs and throw a fit when Din attempts to leave. He can suck on the metal ball from the ship and have nightmares. He can be Force-sensitive and still operate as a baby would. In other words, all of us —including the cutest of children— are products of complicated stories and live in complicated narratives. Moreover, adoption isn’t as easy as — “here, I have a working ship and some (constantly depleting) money. I can protect you from danger and, since you’re just a baby, you’ll be happy and grow up healthy.” Rather, adoptees have rich and complicated stories that they lived into (and still live into) prior to their adoption. As a writer and psychology nut, I really want to face these realities head on. In Hold Me By the Heart, the child struggles with separation anxiety, abandonment issues, and object permanence. The presence of the issues are not meant to be some weird fetish of sorts or act as entertainment factors for readers. Rather, the kid’s issues are real, present struggles that impact his development. So I really wanted to contrast the child’s innocence with his trauma and, by doing, articulate that both realities CAN exist in one person. 

Moreover, I’ve grown more and more curious about the child’s origin story. Though the babe could have been born into a loving family and was simply taken away (and that’s trauma too), I truly believe the kid has more experiences of being stolen over and over again by random hunters. This reality creates an attachment insecurity, primarily because the child doesn’t know who his consistent guardian is. Moreover, as a baby needing care, he doesn’t know who he can rely on to care for him. 

A Brief Word About the Plot

Originally, I’d planned to contain the story to four elongated chapters (like a short story). However, the more I wrote, the more I realized how impossible it is to write about the complexities of separation anxiety and wrap up such a story in four chapters. To do so, for me, would result in a rushed or under-developed storyline. Thus, the story, as of now, keeps expanding. 

Moreover, I realized that for Din to grow as a human being and a father, he needed to brush shoulders with other people for more than 10 minutes. As a character, Din is so zeroed-in on his goals, he doesn’t really see people (at least, enough to get an inch-deep into their stories). However, knowing that Din would never stay in one place for long of his own volition, I needed to throw a wrench in his plans. Hence, his injuries and the ship’s damages. Though Din would definitely push through an injury, if his ship were trashed, even he’d recognize he couldn’t go anywhere. Hence, the chapter where he drops into Dantooine (and Maisy’s turnip garden). 

Now, before I wrap this up (if you’re still reading, God bless you; you’re a literal saint), one last word about the presence of OCs in the story. Many readers have commented on the nature of the OCs in many fanfics and how, usually, they’re not a welcome addition (same, honey, sameee). Thankfully, a lot of y’all actually seem to like the OCs in Hold Me by the Heart, which is incredible. Here’s my two cents and promise as a writer — I do not believe in filler OCs or OCs that do not enhance the main plot. Period. I honestly believe you can smell a filler OC (or, one that takes the focus away from the main story) from a mile away. In Hold Me by the Heart, I really try to be careful to keep the main thing the main thing, which is Din and the baby’s relationship (I mean, that’s what we’re here for). So, usually when the OCs are in a scene (and, let’s say, the child isn’t present), I try to keep the focus on Din and the kid’s relationship even then. Though Din definitely needs to interact with others to learn more about being a parent, I never want those interactions to take away from the main paring. We’re here for papa Din and baby-bean, so let’s keep them as the focus.

A Note for the Fans

I’ve had the immense privilege of chatting with many of you through AO3 in the comments section, and I cannot stress my thanks enough. You all are, no lie, THE REASON this story has continued. I just had a small idea for a fanfic, but y’all believed in it. Honestly, I’ve only written four chapters (as of now) and y’all have showered the story with kindness and love. Your belief in the story and profuse compliments have meant the world. Please continue commenting and I hope to keep responding. I love interacting with y’all and gleaning from your analyses. 

Thanks for all of your support!

XOXO 

[darkouter]

barty headcanon & general meta:  surviving the imperius curse

personals don’t reblog!  if mutuals think this is interesting enough to apply to their muses who have been put under the imperius curse before, feel free to tho.

ANYWAYS, time to talk about the implications of being controlled by someone completely for long periods of time!  let’s have a psych student ramble about the symptoms of trauma that survivors of the imperius curse are likely to face.  in fact, to tie this to cecil’s psychiatric health practice that he opens up on the wizarding side of london, i’d like to think that barty in his care leads to him forming this draft of criteria for a disorder that is closely linked to that of ptsd, but specific to those who are put under the imperius curse.

quick note:  i take heavy inspiration from netflix’s jessica jones series when it comes to how mind control works, as i already have an extensive concept built around it for my kilgrave rp blog, and you’ll see that influence throughout this post if you’re familiar with the series (if you expected me to not bring mr. eggplant emoji into this, you’re a foole, as he taints everything that i do and is a pervasive parasite to my very soul).  poison ivy, too, provides some direction for this.

first:  what does it look and feel like to be under the imperius curse?

what we know:  it is pleasant to be under at the time, possible (but hard) to overcome through sheer force of will, it can last for an indefinite amount of time, harry could successfully perform the curse on the fly without having practiced on anyone ever before, and j.k. bowling ball really should have defined it more so i wouldn’t have to write this post.

i think there are three main factors that inform how someone feels, thinks, and acts under the curse:  1.) how much autonomy the spellcaster allows them,  2.) how adept the spellcaster is at the curse, and  3.) the will of the person being controlled.  each of these may impact how lucid the cursed individual is/acts.

generally speaking, victims do not find the experience to be unpleasant for the duration of the spell.  in fact, it is usually calming and enjoyable.  victims are free of stress and responsibility due to lack of control, and it’s akin to being heavily sedated.  so.  imagine being incredibly high, and that’s how thought patterns and emotions are affected.  this may be disrupted when there is a trigger of some sort that causes a victim to fight.  an example is extreme cognitive dissonance, such as in situations where the victim is so severely against performing an ordered action that they begin to fight against it.  at that point, they may become confused and upset due to conflicting desires.  the curse doesn’t simply make people do things, but it makes people feel that they want to do those things, so the artificial desire battling with real desire will cause internal distress and debate over what to do.  the caster’s ability will compete with the will of the cursed in this instance.  

casters may gain better control by actively engaging with the individual in close proximity, using their wand, and only separating for short amounts of time.  on the other hand, the cursed may have a better chance at fighting if there is distance, lack of engagement, and long intervals of separation.  the spell is liable to lose its strength over a period of time away, where it is not maintained.  i like to kind of think of the spell having a battery life:  maintaining strength when the caster is nearby, charged / being refreshed when the cursed is engaged with through use of wand, and draining at other times.  a strong will fighting, particularly if due to an outside stimulus’ influence, drains it much faster.

barty remained under control of crouch sr. during his absences, but the dark mark’s appearance and death eaters showing up at the quidditch world cup was enough of an emotional trigger to give him the desire for freedom to act.  crouch sr. was not in his presence to strengthen the spell, so he broke out of the curse.  however, after being stupefied and taken home, he went back under.  the imperius curse’s influence is something that is an active, ongoing mental battle.  with crouch sr. back in his presence and without the same motivation inspired by the dark mark, barty could not overcome it.  he had to be freed by tom.

now, the curse lasts indefinitely if it is maintained well enough.  so how do people operate when they are not actively being given orders?  how much autonomy do they have?  all of those three factors would have to affect this.  the cursed may have more autonomy if the caster gave it, if they are not competent enough with the spell to maintain control that is complex and involves the ability to set rules, and/or if the cursed has a strong enough sense of self for their personality and instinct to show through.

when harry used the imperius curse, the man he cursed (i’m not looking it up, it was some guy during deathly hallows when they broke into gringott’s) had to be given constant orders to operate.  when harry wasn’t actively making him do something, he would look mindless.  harry had to constantly be cognizant of him if he had wanted the curse to seem natural because he was not good enough at the spell to balance how much control the man had over himself.  people who are not good at the spell may have something like this happen, with someone becoming a total zombie, or with the opposite occurring, the cursed are too autonomous (think of playing a video game character normally versus the sims; both need to be actively piloted/monitored for different reasons).

crouch sr. was skilled in his use of the imperius curse, and he established specific rules that served to keep barty isolated but did not otherwise cause friction with anything unnecessary, which allowed him to operate somewhat normally.  he was still dazed and would not have been able to pass as someone who was not under the curse, but crouch didn’t need barty to fool anyone because the entire purpose of the curse was to hide him away entirely.  their house elf winky helped him function where barty needed it.  barty didn’t have a strong enough sense of self nor the will to break free under normal circumstances, as these are large flaws that have always been part of his personality.  there have been times where the curse broke by accident of some kind or because something prompted barty to will it, but learned helplessness caused him to not actually do anything about it.  with regulus gone, tom fallen from power and disappeared, his mother dead, his friends turned on him after the trial, the last loyal death eaters imprisoned, and him supposed to be imprisoned/dead, there was nothing for barty.  even during the few times he managed to gain his freedom from the curse, he didn’t actually have any freedom.  there was nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and not much of a life worth living.  frankly, being back in control of himself would allow his severe depression to come forward, so the imperius curse was preferable.  at least he would be content under it.

second:  what happens after escaping the curse?  what are its lasting effects?

there are a lot of potential issues, but some concepts i think are important:  i feel like people would struggle with their sense of self, trust in their own judgement, and feel the need to make sure they don't feel that loss of control ever again.

immediately upon coming out of the curse, people are likely to be in a fugue state or otherwise very confused.  decision making may not feel natural.  they may dissociate, as they have not had full control, may feel like they still don’t have it, and the entire ordeal may have felt like an out of body experience.  being thrust back into their own body may feel unreal, and they might suffer from depersonalization (feeling that they themself are not real) or derealization (feeling that the world around them is not real).  

they might have permanent cognitive side effects from being in a dream-like, trance state for so long (where the above symptoms become chronic).  they may have to deal with wondering how much of what they did was themselves and what was the imperius curse.  there may be feelings of guilt and general self-blaming for their behavior, for not having enough will (i.e. in their minds, being too weak) to break free, or for being caught in the first place.  they may feel violated, used, or dirty.  maybe sometimes wonder if they ever actually got out from the curse, wonder if they can trust themselves to make decisions.  deal with paranoia that they might be trapped or controlled, whether by means of being cursed again or even just in other, more subtle ways (like socially, wanting to avoid ever feeling obligated to do things for other people; physically/magically, wanting to be able to fight; emotionally/mentally, not wanting to be made to feel weak).  they could possibly become hypervigilant and anxious and/or depressed.  some may have memory issues, whether amnesia surrounding time under the curse or problems organizing timelines in chronological order.  in general, organized thought may be impaired to some degree.  it may be hard to form interpersonal relationships due to lack of trust, feeling misunderstood, insecure, and wanting to self-isolate.

the trauma is unique to the individual, as it depends entirely on what someone was made to do during their time under the curse and for how long, which can be wildly different from person to person.  someone who was controlled momentarily in order to steal something for someone versus someone who was controlled for a long period of time and committed a variety of acts like murder might not have much in common between their emotional responses.

for barty, it really just exacerbated issues he already had — he suffered from dissociation, dependency issues, and insecurities about sense of control before azkaban and the imperius curse, due to crouch’s abuse and his own latent mental illness.  because it lasted so long for barty, his brain chemistry and thought patterns have been twisted more severely than most survivors.  he suffers from disorganized thought, similar to that of someone with schizophrenia or dementia.  emotions are more likely to win over logic at times.  there are some actions he simply struggles with doing, and there was a period of time post-curse where he couldn’t write coherently and had to make moody do it for him.  he loses his train of thought at times, his memories are fuzzy, and he has no clear understanding of who he is as a person because he wasn’t able to be one for so long.  he also has a very hard time communicating with people due to the isolation.

[babybluebanshee]

Seared With Scars - Epilouge (Mystery Nerds AU)

And here we are at the end, my friends. I'd like to thank everyone who's stuck with me through the frankly insane and arduous undertaking. I keep every single comment that people leave on my stories, and reading yours on this one is what eventually inspired me to get back in the saddle and pick it up again after two years. You guys are pretty damn awesome. I'm probably not gonna do something this ambitious again for a good, long while, but the Mystery Nerds series is far from over. So enjoy the ending, and hopefully we can all venture into the unknown once more very soon.

--

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” - Helen Keller

---

Helen hesitated only a moment as she slid her key into her front door. She knew, logically, that there couldn’t be anyone from the Society on the other side, waiting for her. There was no Society left. There was nothing to be afraid of in her home. And besides, she had to go in. Her spare pair of glasses were in her nightstand. She needed them. Darryl had graciously driven her all the way back to her house, when he had a family of his own to get back to, just so she could get them and Stan wouldn’t have to leave Ford’s side.

Plus it couldn’t be more than thirty degrees out here and she was freezing.

She had to go inside.

The sight of her keys, still stained slightly with Louise’s blood, made her gut feel things differently.

Darryl spoke up from behind her. “Want me to go in first?” he asked, his voice gentle.

“Thanks,” she muttered. Hot shame pooled in her cheeks for a moment as he walked past her and turned the key, but she stamped it down. Even though she knew that there would not be anyone in her house, she had every reason to be anxious. She wasn’t going to let shame keep her from trying to get better anymore.

And the first step towards healing was admitting that the trauma was there.

Darryl swung the door open and walked in, looking from side to side as he went. He motioned to her, an indication that he saw nothing out of the ordinary. She pooled all her courage and followed him inside, holding her head high.

The house was very much the same as she and Stan had left it. She noticed, with a wry sense of annoyance, that Stan hadn’t even pushed in the dining room chair he’d been sitting in while Darryl patched up his bleeding head.

“You need me to check your bedroom too?” Darryl asked. His tone was one hundred percent serious. Helen had no doubt in her mind that he’d search the entire house, top to bottom, if she’d asked.

“No, that’s okay,” she said. “Go ahead and have a seat. I won’t be too long.”

She started down the hall, her hand trailing down the wall to keep her steady, and immediately, a flash of memory popped into her head, of turning around and finding a stranger in a red hood staring back at her. It was followed by a stab of fear because where was Stan, what had they done to him! She felt Darryl’s presence at her side. She looked over at him and he smiled sweetly at her. He was going with her now, and it seemed like there was no arguing it.

She found that now, she didn’t mind.

There was no one in her bedroom.

There was no one in her house.

She was safe.

She had a friend.

They walked down the hallway together, and Darryl said, as casually as if they did this all the time, “I thought you might like to know the status of our friends, the former cultists. I didn’t want to say anything while we were at the hospital. Didn’t want to be overheard and stir any memories, ya know?”

“Give me details, man,” she said, leaning towards him exaggeratedly. She felt a bit silly, but she needed some silliness right now.

“Well, for starters, Louise is going on extended leave. Absolutely no word was mentioned about her coming back.”

“I would say that I’m sad we’re gonna be stuck with sourpuss Sharon for a while, but Louise did break into my house and punch me in the face.”

“Maybe they’ll actually hire some who doesn’t have staggering emotional issues to replace Louise,” Darryl said.

They reached her bedroom door, and Helen peered in. The only evidence of what had happened to her was a small brown stain on the carpet, less than a foot from where she stood at the door frame.

She had expected seeing that stain would have been what made her crumble. Miraculously, she found it elicited no thought other than she was going to have to call a carpet cleaning service on top of her optometrist and goddammit did Louise have to make her life harder?

And that thought just made her laugh quietly to herself as she crossed the door frame and walked to her nightstand.

“Also Matthews is in talks for his retirement.”

“I knew he and Andrea had been talking about that for a while before she died.”

“Yeah, everything just kinda fell through after that. But apparently his daughters have been pretty insistent. I think what happened kinda brought it all to a head. Liz has got Meg on a flight up right now.”

“Damn. I don’t think Ed’s getting out of it this time if she’s flying up here all the way from New Mexico.”

She pulled open the drawer and there, sitting on top of a pile of dried out pens and pocket change and spare tampons was her spare pair of glasses, slightly dusty with disuse, but at least in one piece. And with a relatively recent prescription.

“Right? But even they’re not playing as dirty as Ruth is right now with Muggins.”

“Oh, Leroy’s in trouble.”

Darryl laughed. “Yep. Ruth was giving him an earful right before I got to Ford’s room. Something about this job of his prematurely aging her.”

“Funny, I thought that was because she drinks grain alcohol out of a measuring cup.”

“Semantics. Point is, they’re leaving. I heard the words ‘timeshare’ and ‘Fort Lauderdale’ right before I got to Ford’s door.”

“Sounds utterly heinous.”

She slid her glasses on, and the first thing that came into view was the phone. Not for the first time since things had died down, she thought of calling the kids. She wouldn’t dream of it right now. A glance at her tableside clock told her it was barely six, and Michael would scream her deaf if she woke him up this early on a Sunday. Maybe later, after she’d gotten back to the hospital and slept a bit more. Had some more time to get her thoughts together.

She still had no idea what she was going to tell them about her battered face. It wasn’t exactly something she could explain away with a tired excuse of “I tripped and landed on my face”. Not even Amanda would buy that.

But really, why did she need an excuse?

She thought back to her conversation with Daisy the night before, the shame she’d felt at causing her daughter to worry for her, over something she’d been certain that she could handle.

She still didn’t want her children to have to worry for her. They didn’t need that kind of burden in their young lives. They needed to worry about school and friends and their hobbies, not if their mother was going to have an emotional breakdown or get into a fistfight with crazy cultists.

But, perhaps, she thought now, that worrying about someone you loved was inevitable. She’d been doing it for almost twenty-four hours now - not just about her biological kids, but about Stan and Ford and Fiddleford. No matter how old they were, she didn’t think she’d ever stop seeing them as more children for her to look after. It was just her nature.

She didn’t want her children to worry about her, but she also didn’t want to lie to them. Her lies about being okay had done everyone more harm than good, even though they’d proven somewhat useful in the end. She still smirked a bit as she thought of Blind Ivan falling for her distressed mother act hook, line, and sinker.

But now she didn’t need to lie anymore. She didn’t need to keep her pain locked up so she didn’t make other people worry for her. She didn’t need to be concerned that everyone would look at her differently. Everyone that she respected and cared about already knew, and they still treated her the same as they always had.

And if Daisy, Scott, and Amanda could be okay after what had happened to them on that awful night almost two years ago, they could handle their mom explaining why she looked like she’s lost a fight with a two-by-four.

She closed the drawer on her nightstand and turned. Darryl was leaning against the doorjamb, turning over a dog tag in his hand. His face was unreadable.

“You okay?” she asked.

He looked up at her like he’d forgotten he was in her house, and quickly said, “Yeah, I’m alright. Just thinking.”

“What about?” She came over slowly, stopping a few feet from him.

“‘Bout what you said to Matthews,” he replied, looking back down at the dog tag. “‘Bout getting help.”

“Yeah?”

“Listening to him, talking about Andrea, not being able to sleep...not being able to do anything…” He gulped heavily. “I don’t want that to be me one day, Doc.”

“It won’t be. Not after all you’ve done. You fought it when no one else would.”

“Well, I wanna make sure. And I’m gonna start by delivering this to Hank’s little brother, first thing tomorrow.” He held the dog tag out to her.

She took it, and read the words punched into the metal.

BLUBS HENRY J. A POS 91-470-441 LUTHERAN

“You might have met Little Daryl,” he said. “He works over at the Dusk 2 Dawn right now, but he’s training for the police academy.”

“His name is Daryl too?”

He gave her a wistful smile and nodded. “Hank always thought it was a riot that his best friend and his baby brother had the same name. So he called us Darryl Little and Little Daryl.” For a moment, he focused on the dog tag, and seemed to be a million miles away from her. It only briefly reminded her of Ed, but she very quickly noted a key difference.

Darryl was still smiling.

When he came back to her, he added, “Hank’s family got the tag he wore around his neck. They let me keep the one from his boot. Been carrying it with me ever since I got home. Twelve years, I been carrying that thing around my neck like a weight. I thought it was good to have, to keep him close.” Darryl paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath, then releasing it slowly. “But maybe it’s become more of a penance than a memorial.”

Helen didn’t reply. She simply handed the tag back to him.

He quickly tucked it away in his pocket. “Little Daryl will definitely get more comfort from it than I ever did,” he said.

“I think that’s a great idea,” Helen replied. “I can give you the names of a few good therapists when you’ve finished that. Especially since I’m looking up mine again come Tuesday.”

“I’d appreciate that.” He sighed heavily. “Stan was right. We are a bunch of sad idiots.”

“At least we know what we’re about.” Helen gave him a warm smile. “Now come on, I told Stan we’d swing by his house to take care of the dog, if that’s okay with you.”

“You had me at dog,” Darryl replied. He jammed his hands in his pockets and followed her down the hallway, to the front door, and out into the sunlight. ---

“So what are we gonna do with all that stuff under the history museum?” Stan asked before he tore off a hunk of sausage with his teeth. It wasn’t Greasy’s, but it would do. He’d never felt more ravenous in his life.

Fiddleford swallowed a mouthful of apple and replied, “I don’t rightly know. We definitely can’t just leave them there, but I don’t feel right watching any of them. Now that I know what the others were using them for, I’d feel...I dunno, like it was a violation of trust or something.”

“Honestly, after the hell they put up through, I think they all kind of deserve a violation of trust,” Stan replied with him mouth full.

“Well, I think I’ve had enough traumatic events to last a lifetime,” Ford said, setting his carton of orange juice back on his tray. “Maybe we could store them somewhere else. Somewhere more safe. The bunker might work, once it gets a bit warmer and all the snow melts.”

“Is the Shapeshifter still down there?” Fiddleford asked, narrowing his eyes in Ford’s direction.

“You remember the Shapeshifter?”

“You guys had a shapeshifter?” Stan said. Just when he thought these two nerds’ adventures couldn’t get any more bizarre.

“I asked you first, Ford,” Fiddleford said. He took another bit of his apple, almost menacingly.

Ford looked downright sheepish as he muttered, “Last I checked.”

“Then we’re not using the bunker, Fiddleford replied, his mouth still full.

“Fiiine,” Ford said dramatically, flopping back against his pillows, the smile was evident in his voice.

Fiddleford’s only reply was to stick his tongue out at him. Stan couldn’t help but chuckle. These two dopes were made for each other.

Then he had an idea. “What about the basement? There should be plenty of room down there once you guys get the portal squared away.”

Ford considered for a moment, and then said, “That sounds plausible.”

“It might not even take that many trips if we take multiple cars,” Fiddleford added.

“Sounds like we got ourselves a plan,” Stan said. He raised his paper cup of coffee to his lips, but at that moment, the swinging door in the hallway was flung open, and another draft barreled down the hall. It’d been happening all morning, a savage draft from the rain-chilled morning practically lowering the temperature of the entire wing. Stan set his breakfast tray off to the side, and reached for his jacket, slung over the back of his chair. “As if this hospital wasn’t cold enough,” he grumbled. “What, do they turn off the heat to make people leave faster?”

He heard the tube hit the linoleum before he ever saw it.

He’d actually forgotten the thing was in his pocket until now, as it rolled across the floor and into his foot.

“What’s that?” Ford asked, attempting to lean forward in his bed for a better look, but grimacing when he put pressure on some broken thing inside him.

“That’s a memory tube,” Fiddleford replied, straightening up in his chair. “They’re what the memories the gun erased are recorded on. Where did you get that, Stan?”

“Ivan dropped it, out at the cliffs,” he replied. “I only noticed it after he went over. Must have had it in his sleeves or something.”

“Who’s it for?”

“Some guy named Preston Northwest.”

“Wait,” Ford said. “The Preston Northwest?”

“I don’t even know how to respond to that,” Stan replied.

“The Northwest family founded Gravity Falls,” Ford said. “They’re the richest family in town, possibly in the state of Oregon. There’s hardly a thing here that they don’t have their hands in.”

“So, what, you think this Preston guy is a member of the Society that we just didn’t catch?”

“I mean, I doubt it, since he’s only about fifteen years old.”

“Why would Ivan want the memories of a teenage boy with him while he escaped?” Fiddleford pondered aloud.

Stan studied the tube a bit more, as it caught the light of the morning beaming through the windows. Despite that, it felt cold in his hand. That familiar, primal repulsion was back. He wanted to throw it out the window, let it smash against the pavement in the parking lot below.

Instead, he held the tube out to Fiddleford and said, “I guess it doesn’t matter. The only person that memory is really gonna be of any used to is currently having his body dredged out of the lake.”

“I suppose,” Fiddleford said as he took the tube. “It’s just strange.”

“Well, we’ll have plenty of time to find out later,” Ford said. “I don’t know about the two of you, but I’m pretty adventured out for a while.”

“That is an amazing point,” Stan said. “It’s been a rough night. I vote this is one mystery that can wait its turn. Whatdya say, Fidds?”

Stan saw the uncertainty pass over Fiddleford’s face as he studied the tube in his hands. A familiar look of concentration was there, signifying that he was trying hard to conjure forth any member associated with the tube, try to unlock whatever it may be hiding from him.

But it was gone in moments as Fiddleford let out a mighty yawn.

“I reckon you’re right,” he said. His eyes reminded Stan of a tired puppy, fighting sleep every moment it could. “These memories aren’t going anywhere for the time being. We can get to the bottom of them another time.”

“That’s the spirit,” Stan said. “Right now, the only thing I wanna get to the bottom of this cup of coffee, and then nap for about six months.”

“Coffee is supposed to do the opposite of making you want to nap, Stan,” Ford chuckled.

“I watched a man jump to his death, Ford. Don’t underestimate my desire to nap right now.”

Ford chewed his lip for a moment, as if he were giving the matter serious thought. “Alright,” he said. “Fair enough.”

---

In the depths of the forest, there was a river. The river fed usually fed directly in the falls, but a small tributary had branched off it over the centuries, and it gathered in a small lake. When it was first formed, it was mostly used by animals as a watering hole. But that was before the town, before people, before time had shrunk it to nearly nothing. Now, it was too shallow for anything, even for winter’s bitterness to freeze it over. It stood stagnant and brown and cold, and not even the most desperate beast touched it.

So there was nothing around for miles when Ivan finally broke the surface with a loud, gulping gasp.

He dragged himself to the bank, ignoring the burning in his arms and legs, from weary muscles that had spent an hour keeping his head above the water before giving out completely. Fortunately for him, he’d lost his strength at the mouth of this lake. He’d simply gone limp and let its current carry him here.

As soon as he felt the dry, frozen earth under his hands, he collapsed, face down in the dirt. He didn’t care that he looked horrendously undignified. There was no one around to see him, and besides, he’d earned a moment of exhausted self-pity. His plans - the Society, the gun, his army - all lay in ruination at his feet. Four months of tireless work and it’d all be destroyed by a gaggle of prying, headstrong fools.

He let an angry fire blaze through him for a minute. It gave him something to focus on that wasn’t his aching face, where he’d been headbutted and punched. Something that wasn’t his wet robe, making his internal temperature drop even faster than if he’d been wearing nothing at all. The rage that boiling in his blood made him forget all that for just a moment.

But it couldn’t last forever. He couldn’t stay out here in these wet clothes and find somewhere out of the cold, or he’d freeze.

This was, after all, only a momentary setback. He wouldn’t be thwarted. Not until he finished what he needed to do.

He rallied all the strength he had left in his body, and pushed himself onto his hands and knees. A powerful shiver nearly knocked him back down, but he ignored it. He wouldn’t be out here for a much longer. From watching McGucket’s memories, he knew that, not far from here, was a system of caves, all connected under the waterfall near Gravity Falls Lake. Inside were tiny little creatures that could make fire if they were struck together. That would suit Ivan’s needs just fine, for the time being.

With a grunt of effort, he pushed himself up farther, going slowly, until he’d gotten back to his feet. He stumbled a bit, his limbs still heavy from the time he’d spent underwater, but he caught himself before he fell. Then he pulled his heavy, wet robe over his head and shucked it off. He tossed it to the ground. Wearing it while it was soaking wet like that would only put him at greater risk for hypothermia. It wasn’t as though he needed it anymore anyway.

As he turned, he saw, over the treeline, a great manor, looming over him, perched high on the hills. It seemed to be looking down upon the humble town beneath it, proud and arrogant and fully prepared to rub the townfolks’ collective noses in its decadence. It made Ivan sick to look at, but he also knew that, with any luck, it wouldn’t be there for much longer.

He began walking into the forest, making sure the manor never left his sight. It was his beacon as he sought his shelter.

The Northwest family had so much to answer for. Not just the ones currently living, but the generations that had come before them. One-hundred and forty years of Northwest blood, building their legacy on lies and deceit and fear, reaping the benefits of their treachery and leaving the weak to wallow in whatever meager fate the accursed family had left them to.

He was going to burn it all to the ground.

---

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[roxy1294]

So I’ve been waiting for the situation to calm down before posting any more thoughts about chapter 13. The fandom just blew up with it and I really didn’t care to get involved like that. Now that everyone is slowly going back to their two months long slumber before next chapter comes out, I figured it would be a better time to adress the situation and voice MY opinion. I’m putting this under “keep reading” since it’s going to be a long rant. You have been warned.

Let’s cut to the chase and talk about the “controversial” scene at the end of the chapter. Some people say the way Zero acted is abusive; some say it’s completely out of love and that Yuki asked for it (which reminds me about the arguments people make to justify rape - she was wearing a short skirt therefore she was asking for it; Yuuki said to drink her blood so she was asking to be brutalized). I’ve implied it before, but I’m going to say it again: I honestly don’t mind the scene too much and I don’t want to wholeheartedly side with one opinion or the other. What I see when I look at those panels it’s none and both of those things at the same time. What I mean with it is that I truly believe the way Zero reacted in this chapter was not born from the desire to harm Yuuki like an abuser would, but rather it was prompted from the desperation and frustration he feels about their stagnant relationship. The scene clearly shows that Zeki has some issue they need to sort out, that’s for sure. It’s been more than 50 years and they are still dealing with the same problems. Even now, when there’s nothing stopping them exept for Yuuki’s reluctance and Zero’s continued belief on seeing purebloods as cursed creatures, they are unable to really move forward. It was a very emotional moment for both of them and I really can’t see Yuuki being happy with how violent the situation turned out. She didn’t ask him not to be gentle. There was no need for Zero to act so violently. Despite that though, I also understand how he was feeling to finally be pushed to explode like that. That’s why in my opinion this is not an not entirely a good scene and it’s not enitirely a bad one either.  

Now, since it was brought up so many times during these past few days, a special mention should be made about how stupid I find the way people are trying to compare Kaname’s biting scene in chapter 61 to justify Zero’s reaction in this chapter, to keep the spotlight away from the problems Zeki have in their relationship. Yet again by trying to undermine Yume, I may add. It’s  like making one scene look bad should excuse the other one. It’s not like that and we should look at the scenes separetely while trying to understand the different situations in each one. Exactly like I don’t find this chapter’s scene too disturbing upon trying to understand the reasons behind the characters’ actions, I don’t find Kaname’s behaviour in chapter 61 abusive either. Comparing Yuuki’s expression between the two is not a valid point to me. It simply isn’t when we consider how it was a completely different scenario and a different point in Yuuki’s life.

In chapter 61 Yuuki was a newly formed vampire that was struggling to come to terms with not being human anymore. She felt guilty about being a pureblood and she was unable to use her fangs until just a few chapters earlier. She may have been a grown up vampire in looks and age, but for all intents and purposes, she was like a child; like Ai or Ruka were when they needed to be confined because of the transition from vampire child to vampire adult. That’s just a necessary step to grow up in Vampire Knight’s universe and Yuuki struggled more than other vampires did, because she had no chioce but to experience it later than most. Around those chapters we see how frustrated Yuuki was at being basically a powerless child compared to all the other vampires she interacted with. She wanted to be of help, but she simply wasn’t strong enough to do so just yet. That drove her crazy and  when she goes out on her mission with strong purpose and gets smacked in the face with the reality of things, all that frustration makes itself apparent. When she comes back home injured with the proof of her failings and Kaname tells her, and I quote, “the feeling of powerlessness makes one feel mortifyingly angry at themselves, doesn’t it?”, she glares at him, at the predicament she found herself into. She experiences distress at herself and at how powerless she is in accomplishing things on her own. Kaname in the meantime was feeling what most purebloods, including Yuuki in VKM, experience: the fear of losing someone. He specifically tells us so in that scene (“Yuuki, it’s actually because I’m so dreadfully afraid that one day you might throw yourself into a lost cause and sacrifice your life in the attempt…I don’t want to live that a second time”) . That’s what drove him to bite her twice despite her being injured, the reason Hino gave us to explain his behaviour. Then, much like Zero embraces Yuuki after biting her several times, Kaname offers her as much of his blood and comfort as she wants (and his memories/ all of himself on top of that.)

That’s why comparing the two scenes and trying to make Kaname in chapter 61 look like an abuser to excuse Zero’s behaviour in the latest Zeki scene doesn’t make sense to me. We don’t need to compare every moment in the manga or overanalyze each and every panel to make sense of the story. We don’t need to try to blame Kaname for everything wrong in the series either (the frail state of Zeki’s relationship included, as much as it baffles me). Get over it!

 You can say whatever you want if you just look for bad things hard enough instead of noticing what has been clearly explained. And what Hino has been telling us all along is that neither Kaname nor Zero are Saints. They are not supposed to be perfect and that’s alright. I like them both for it.

Kaname in his fear of losing Yuuki and wanting to protect her bit her in chapter 61 while she was injured; Zero in his desperation bit her more forcefully than necessary in VKM 13; Kaname to ensure humans had a fighting chance against the purebloods sacrificed himself leaving Yuuki alone to grieve; Zero in his hate towards purebloods poined a gun at her face and made her feel guilty for being born as one, giving her personality issues for centuries. Hino gave us the reasons for all these actions they both committed: she told us they both come from good intentions despite the fact that some of their actions may seem extreme to some of us. If you don’t like those reasons, then that’s your problem, but it doesn’t mean either of them is evil. Not when the evidence to the contrary is plain to see. You are not entitled to blame Kaname for every possible unrelated thing. You don’t need to compare chapter 61 to justify Zero’s reaction in VKM. I for one much prefer to look at those two situations separately; to realise that they may not have been entirely right in  behaving like they did, but that they had reasons I can understand for doing it. If I didn’t try to understand I would feel like I’m looking at the situation the way it suits me the most. No matter if I’m talking about chapter 13 or 61.     

Whenever someone brings up the abuse argument in VK I only see people trying to read too deep into the story and leaving out all the positives and reasoning that have being presented to us all along. Yuuki herself understands both of their characters, where they come from, their reasons, and still loves them both for everything they are. That’s why I still don’t understand how some people feel the need to say she was abused by Kaname. I don’t understand how it’s Kaname’s fault the situation in VKM turned out like that or how some people  can completely denounce Yume scenes, but excuse Zero’s behaviour in some moments of the series. Kaname and Zero are not the type of abusive characters everyone wants to make them into. That, for me, is a fact!

Reading about how Yuuki is afraid of abandonment because of Kaname’s abuse literally makes me gag. Does Yuuki have issue she needs to sort out? Most definitely. Does it mean she was abused by Kaname? Not at all.  If Yuuki is still afraid to be left alone like basically every pureblood ever due to their immortal life, It’s not because Kaname wanted her to be miserable for all those years. She was devastaded by his death not because she had traumas of him abusing her. She was GRIEVING him because she LOVES him! Because even though she gave her all, Kaname chose to make it possible for humanity, for her, to have a fighting chance. And I dare anyone to blame him for it, because withouth him, Zero and every hunter would be useless against the purebloods. Everyone that has lost a  loved one will understand that it leaves scars behind, but it doesn’t make the relationship they had before they passed away toxic or abusive. It’s natural to grieve and to be scared of being left alone again. It’s no ones fault.

I guess what I’m trying to say and where my main issue with the entire situation comes from, is how absurd it is for some people to keep using the same old double standards while accusing others of doing the same thing. You can’t call Kaname an abuser, say that he raped Yuuki, that he’s only  a sperm donor, that he’s probably not even Ai’s father, mocking us with the “KanamexButterfly” edits and so many other things I’ve witnessed over these 9+ years following the series, and then expect not to be made fun of when you completely justify the events of VKM 13. If you can’t take those jokes especially made for making you feel what it’s like to be on the opposite side of irrationality, then that’s called being a hypocrite in my book. Both because you mocked us for years and because if you really feel like Kaname’s behaviour in chapter 61 is abusive then you can’t completely excuse the way Zero acted in VKM 13 either. Hino told us enough of Kaname and Zero’s character to try to understand how they feel and why the act in a certan way. We just need not to ignore the facts as it suits us.  

- Roxy1294