#NIOS notes books

[thenewnio]

My Alice in Wonderland script

This is a potential stopmotion movie that I could make, with my nendoroid dolls and other toys as actors.

Enjoy!

Cast:

Talka as Alice

Mifeng as Alice's older sister

Miden as the White Rabbit

Milly as the Mouse (genderbent)

Polly the Dodo as herself (genderbent Dodo)

Giola as the Lory

Kevin as the Eaglet

Iago as the Duck

Maggie as Patricia (genderbent Pat)

Monty as Billie (genderbent Bill the Lizard)

Komugi as the cute dog (basically herself)

Blueberry the Caterpillar as himself

Beatrice as the Pigeon

Majorika and Tako Luka as the Footwomen (genderbent Frog and Fish Footmen)

Anastasia/Anya as the Duchess

Hamlin the Piglet as himself (Duchess's "baby")

Nova as the Cook

Maaba as the Cheshire Cat

B.E.N. as the Mad Hatter

Magearna as the (Mechanical) March Hare

Bebe/Charlotte as the Dormouse

Oblina, Ginger, Anago and 5 as the Queen's servants (Two, Four, Seven and Five, respectively)

My sis as the Queen of Hearts

Jinshe the Chinese dragon as the King of Hearts

Ao Oni-kun as the Royal Executioner

Dragon as Griffin (this version's take on the Gryphon)

Spinel as Turtle (this version's take on the Mock Turtle)

6 as the Knave of Hearts

Nio (me) doing narration

*optional costumes and props are to be made by me, the former of which is gonna be a lot of work. Extras are various other toys*

Narrator: Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do...

(We open with Alice and her older sister sitting outside, by a tree. While the sister reads a book, Alice sneaks a peek at the contents.

Alice: Some book you picked. There's no pictures.

Sister: Well, I can use my imagination. You have imagination too, right?

Alice: Are you kidding? I've got plenty of imagination! It's just that books like that tend to get boring real fast.

Sister: What, the Arabian Nights? (shows the book cover) This one's great.

Alice: Yeah, but the whole thing's too long. Too many stories.

Sister: You'll probably appreciate unabridged literature when you're older.

Alice: Yeah, yeah.

(While her sister is distracted, Alice wanders off. She admires the scenery for a bit, before she hears a voice.)

White Rabbit: OH NO! I'm gonna be LATE!

(A White Rabbit with a pocket watch runs by, freaking out.)

Alice: What the...?

(Curious, she follows after the Rabbit, and is just in time to see him duck into a tunnel. She follows him in, going in a ways before...)

Alice: WAAAAAHH!!!

(Alice suddenly slips and falls into a pit hidden in the darkness. As she plummets, gravity seems to slow down. She floats into a lighted part of the well, seeing shelves with various stuff and bric-a-brac, and hanging photos and paintings.)

Alice: Okay, how deep is this hole?

(After another few minutes of falling, she lands safely on a pile of cushions.)

Alice: Phew...

White Rabbit: Oh, she's gonna kill me for this!

(Seeing the Rabbit, Alice jumps to her feet and follows him down a corridor of identical doors. She comes to a dead end with the Rabbit nowhere in sight. The only things there are a curtain and a glass table with a small key and a little bottle of something.)

Alice: Now what? (eyes the table) Hmmm...

(She takes the key and looks at it. She compares it to the doors in the hall, but it seems too small for any of them.)

Alice: Who would do this, just leave a key here with a buncha doors that it's too small to open? (looks at the curtain) Unless...

(She goes over and moves the curtain to reveal a small door.)

Alice: Oh. What the heck.

(Using the key, she unlocks the door successfully. Opening it, Alice looks through to see a beautiful garden.)

Alice: This looks like a way out, but how can I get through?

(Closing the door, Alice goes back to the table to check out the bottle. She notes the label: 'DRINK ME'.)

Alice: Well, this doesn't look like poison...

(She opens the bottle, takes a sniff, and then sips it.)

Alice: Huh. Not bad.

(She drinks more from the bottle. Almost immediately, she begins to shrink.)

Alice: WAH!

(Soon the table towers over her.)

Alice: Whoa, cool! I can walk through the door now!

(So saying, she heads to the door and tries the handle...)

Alice: Wh- Of course it locks itself!

(Looking up, she sees that she left the key back on the table.)

Alice: Now what?

(Something poking out from behind the curtain catches her eye. She looks to see a glass box of mini cookies, all marked 'EAT ME'.)

Alice: If that drink shrank me... (opens the box) ...then wouldn't these make me grow?

(She takes a cookie and eats one.)

Alice: Once I get the key, I can just drink more of that stuff and- AAAHHH!!!

(Alice suddenly grows large enough to hit her head on the ceiling. At the same time, she accidentally knocks over the table, spilling the rest of the shrinking potion.)

Alice: Oh...

(She sinks to her knees and weeps. Her tears are now big enough to make an entire stream, which flows into a large crack in the floor.)

White Rabbit: Gotta hurry, gotta hurry!

(The White Rabbit enters, with some gloves and a fan. Alice takes notice.)

Alice: Ah...!

White Rabbit: WAAAAAHHH!

(The Rabbit drops the stuff and bolts. Alice wipes her eyes and picks up the fan.)

Alice: (sigh) How am I gonna get outta here? ...Huh?

(After a little while, she notices that the gloves seem to be getting bigger at a quickening rate. A realization hits...)

Alice: Am I shrinking again? The fan...!

(As soon as Alice throws the fan away, she stops shrinking.)

Alice: Phew...

(She heads for the key, now on the floor, but trips.)

Alice: WAAHH—

(She falls through the crack in the floor, landing in a pool of saltwater. She surfaces for breath.)

Alice: (sputters) Are these my tears? I guess this is what I get for crying so much.

(She hears splashing from some ways off. She looks to see a mouse girl swimming by.)

Alice: Hey! Over here!

(By now, the pool of tears is filled with various animal folk who have also fallen in. They, along with Alice, swim to the pool's shore. Once out of the water, they consider their options.)

Duck: Okay, Now what?

Eaglet: So wet...

Lory: She's right. We need to dry up first.

Mouse: I think I can help with that. Everyone pay attention.

(The Mouse takes out a history book as everyone sits down to listen.)

Mouse: "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans"...

Duck: Shoot me.

Mouse: Be patient, Mr. Duck. This is the driest thing I know.

Alice: No offense, but I don't think it's working.

(At that point, Polly the Dodo stands up.)

Polly: In that case, this situation calls for a more rigorous and energetic solution.

Duck: What are you FRICKIN' talking about?!

Polly: I mean what we need to do is have... a Caucus-race!

(Everyone except Alice gasps dramatically. Alice is so confused.)

Alice: What... is a Caucus-race?

Polly: The best way to explain it is to just do it.

(And so, they mark a starting line in a random spot.)

Polly: Okay, start running!

Alice: Wait, what?!

(Everyone bolts in different directions, except Alice.)

Alice: Huh?!

(After a few seconds, she starts running, having no other options. Random hilarity *and maybe some ad-libbed humor thrown in* ensues, from the Eaglet tackling the Duck out of literal nowhere to referencing Scooby-Doo chase scenes, until finally, when everyone is dry again...)

Polly: There! The final marker! That means the race's over!

(A giant frickin' marker stands there.)

Lory: (panting heavily) Okay, so, we all dried off. Who won?

Polly: (thinking) Hmmm... Everybody won, and gets a prize.

Duck: But who's gonna hand 'em out?

Polly: How about the newcomer? (indicates Alice)

Alice: Wait, me? Uh...

(Alice reaches into her pocket and pulls out some snacks.)

Alice: Will these do?

Polly: Perfect!

Lory: What, we're gonna leave her with no prize for herself? What are we, animals? Wait...

Polly: Anything else in your pockets?

Alice: Just this quarter.

(Polly takes it.)

Polly: Well then, we beg your acceptance of this elegant coin!

Alice: (taking it back) Uh... Thanks?

(As the others chat away, the White Rabbit arrives.)

White Rabbit: Oh, this is bad! Where are they?

(He notices Alice.)

White Rabbit: You there! (points) My house is just in that direction, and the key is under the mat! There's some spare gloves and a fan I need you to get! Hurry!

(Alice bolts.)

Alice: What am I, a maid?

(Soon, she reaches the Rabbit's house. She enters thanks to the key under the mat. The spare gloves and fan lie on a table.)

Alice: Okay, so far so good... What's this?

(She notices another potion on the table as well. She picks it up.)

Alice: This is a different color than the shrinking potion... Maybe I can grow back to normal size?

(She opens the bottle and sips the potion. It works... but too fast.)

Alice: EEEP!

(Alice finds herself too big to leave the house, crammed into the now too-small room. Outside, the White Rabbit approaches. He tries to open the door but, since Alice's elbow is jammed against it, is unable to.)

White Rabbit: What's going on in there?

(He goes around the house, only to see Alice's arm sticking out the window.)

White Rabbit: AAHH!!!

(He backs up, and trips, falling backwards into the glass frame where he grows vegetables.)

White Rabbit: P-Patricia! Billie!

(Patricia and Billie the gardener enters the scene.)

Patricia: What, what's goin- (sees the arm) Holy heck! What is that?!

White Rabbit: (gets up) It's HUGE! We gotta do something!

Patricia: Okay, don't panic. We'll just send someone in to check things out.

White Rabbit: But I can't even open the door!

Billie: How about we send somebody down the chimney?

White Rabbit: That's brilliant!

(The three get the ladder and prop it up against the side of the house. By now, Alice's giant arm has attracted the attention of several onlookers.)

White Rabbit: Okay, now what?

Billie: Uh... Now one of us goes in.

(Awkward pause.)

Patricia: Yeah, not it.

White Rabbit: Why don't you do it, Billie?

Billie: Oh! Okay...

(She climbs up the roof, as Alice listens.)

Alice: Uh oh.

(Alice sticks her foot in the fireplace.)

Alice: I hope I can kick hard enough...

(As Billie descends the chimney, Alice kicks as hard as she can. Billie shoots up out of the chimney as a result.)

Billie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

(She falls through the roof of the nearby greenhouse, and everybody watching comes to her aid. In the greenhouse, Billie picks herself up, dazed but unhurt.)

White Rabbit: Billie! Are you okay?!

Patricia: What happened in there?

Billie: Ugh... I don't know. One minute, I was climbing down, then something came straight up at me! Next thing I know...

Patricia: That'll do.

White Rabbit: So, what're we gonna do now?

Alice: (calling out) How about just take the whole roof off?!

(At her voice, everyone starts murmuring to each other.)

White Rabbit: Okay, I got it! Get the wheelbarrow.

(Patricia gets a wheelbarrow of pebble-like objects. Everybody takes a handful each.)

White Rabbit: Okay, aim and fire!

Alice: Huh?

(A flurry of the "pebbles" are thrown through the open windows. Some hit Alice in the face.)

Alice: OW! What are you doing?!

(Just then, Alice notices the color of the "pebbles".)

Alice: Wait... These are just candies. Or maybe...

(She eats one with her free hand, and shrinks down to bug size.)

White Rabbit: It worked!

(As the crowd cheers, Alice, crawling under the door, leaves the house and enters a thick wood. As she explores, she realizes that she's not alone; a dog bigger than she currently is has followed her.)

Dog: Hi!

Alice: Eep!

(Alice picks up the nearest stick and throws it as hard as she can.)

Dog: Yippee, a stickie! Yaaaaay!

(As the dog bounds off after the stick, Alice runs away, eventually stopping once she's far enough.)

Alice: Okay, first thing to do is grow back to my normal size, and to do that, I gotta find something to eat that's magical.

(As she wanders through the grass, she comes across a new sight: A Caterpillar sitting on a mushroom, smoking from a hookah. He takes notice of her.)

Caterpillar: Who're you?

Alice: Okay, uh, what kinda question is that to start a conversation? Where even am I? I know when I got up this morning, everything was normal. Second, why don't you tell me who you are?

Caterpillar: Uh... Why?

(Alice has nothing to say to this guy. She starts to leave...)

Caterpillar: Hold it! I've got something important to say.

(Alice comes back.)

Alice: What?

Caterpillar: Just keep your temper.

Alice: ...That's it?

Caterpillar: Nope.

(Awkward silence.)

Caterpillar: So, what do you want?

Alice: W-Well, I'd like to be my normal size, if you don't mind.

Caterpillar: Okay. One half will make you grow, and the other half will make you shrink.

Alice: Huh?

Caterpillar: Of the mushroom, of course.

(So saying, he gets off the mushroom, and just leaves.)

Alice: ...Okay! Sounds about right... I think.

(Alice looks at the mushroom. She breaks off a piece from each side, before inspecting said pieces.)

Alice: Hmmm... Well, only one way to figure this out...

(She takes a bite out of one, but not only does she grow, so does her neck, extending like that of the Japanese Rokurokubi.)

Alice: WAH!

(A Pigeon flies into her face.)

Alice: AAAAAHHH!!!

Pigeon: There's snakes in the sky now?! The heck with this, I'm out.

(As the Pigeon flies away, Alice bends her neck down to eat part of the other mushroom piece. Sure enough, she's back to normal.)

Alice: That's better.

(She notices a manor a good ways away.)

Alice: Maybe whoever's living there can give me some directions?

(As Alice approaches, an octopus footwoman carrying a letter goes up to the door and knocks. The door is answered by a frog footwoman.)

Octopus: (presents the letter) An invitation from the Queen for the Duchess to play croquet.

Frog: Yeah, yeah, I get it. (takes the invitation)

(They bow, and the Frog goes back in, while the Octopus leaves. Alice goes up and is about to knock when she hears a loud crash.)

Alice: Good grief, what's going on in there?!

(She goes in to see the Duchess, cradling a bundle, while her Cook is making a ruckus making *or trying to make* soup. As the Cook puts in a lot of pepper, Alice notices a catgirl smiling at her.)

Alice: Uh... Why's she smiling at me like that?

Duchess: Oh, she's a Cheshire Cat. They do that.

Alice: Okay...?

(Meanwhile, the Cook throws stuff around, searching for an ingredient other than pepper. Alice is almost hit.)

Alice: Hey! Watch it!

(A frying pan almost hits the baby bundle.)

Alice: Oh, not the baby!

Duchess: Well, I must be going. Take care of Hamlin for me, okay?

(So saying, she tosses the baby to Alice, who manages to catch him. As the Duchess leaves, Alice looks at the Cook, still making the weird soup.)

Alice: I gotta get him outta this crazy house!

(She leaves the manor and heads back into the wood. As she makes her way along the trail, baby Hamlin... oinks? Alice looks to see the cute "baby" is actually a cute piglet.)

Alice: ...Ah.

(As Alice puts Hamlin on the ground...)

Cheshire Cat: Good idea. The pig could use some exercise.

(Alice looks up to see the Cheshire Cat on a tree's branch.)

Alice: Oh! Hi. So, uh, can you tell me which way I should go from here?

Cheshire Cat: That depends. Where do you wanna go?

Alice: Anywhere that's normal.

Cheshire Cat: Well then, I guess you're outta luck, 'cause this place's anything but!

Alice: Why? What kind of people live here?

Cheshire Cat: See that fork in the road up ahead? (indicates a giant fork stuck in the ground, in the middle of the trail) To the left of that lives the Hatter. His mechanical lady friend, the March Hare, lives to the right. They're both looped completely out of their gourds, so feel free to visit either of them.

Alice: I don't think it's a good idea for me to walk among crazy people.

Cheshire Cat: Eh, we're all mad here. It's only by chance and careful planning if you're not...

(So saying, the Cheshire Cat vanishes. Alice and Hamlin look at each other, then head over to the fork.)

Alice: I guess we should take our chances with the March hare...?

(With Hamlin following, Alice heads over in the direction of the March Hare's house. They soon reach a house with rabbit ear-like installations on the roof.)

Alice: This must be it.

(A tea party is being held in the yard; Alice and Hamlin approach to see the Hatter, the robotic March Hare and a Dormouse at the table, making conversation.)

Alice: Excuse me...

Mad Hatter: Sorry! No room here!

March Hare: Neep Noop.

Dormouse: How dare you. You'll be hearing from our lawyer in the morning.

Alice: Wh- (looks around) There's plenty of room! (sits at the table's end, with Hamlin in her lap)

March Hare: Beep boop?

Mad Hatter: I guess I overslept this morning.

March Hare: Boop beep.

Dormouse: Want some booze?

Alice: Uh, I'm thirteen.

March Hare: Beep boop!

Mad Hatter: Exactly! That's why there's no alcohol here.

Alice: Then why'd you offer it?

Dormouse: Why'd you barge in like you own the place? Rude.

Alice: I guess I shouldn't have. Looks like more than three people were expected here.

Mad Hatter: My response to that is both profound and meaningful: You need a haircut.

Alice: Y'know, saying stuff like that's very rude.

Mad Hatter: Huh. I didn't know that. Marchi, take that down!

March Hare: Beep boop!

Mad Hatter: Okay, here's a good one: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Alice: Uh... I think I can guess that.

March Hare: Beep boop.

Mad Hatter: Yeah, you should say what you mean! You might as well say  "I eat what I see" is the same thing as "I see what I eat!", or "I like what I get" is the same as "I get what I like!"

Dormouse: Or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."

Mad Hatter: I guess Time marches on it's stomach! Hey, speaking of which, what day of the month is it? (looks at his watch)

Alice: May fourth.

Mad Hatter: Aw, two days wrong. Marchi, I told you not to use that brand of butter.

March Hare: Beep boop.

Mad Hatter: Must've had some crumbs in it. Or maybe we shouldn't have used the bread knife?

(He puts the watch down for Alice to see.)

Alice: That's a funny watch.

Mad Hatter: Does your watch tell you what year it is?

Alice: No, because it stays a year for so long.

Mad Hatter: Then I rest my case.

March Hare: Beep boop?

Mad Hatter: Over there! (points to a suitcase.)

Alice: What the...?

Mad Hatter: Did you figure out the riddle yet?

Alice: I give up. What's the answer?

Mad Hatter: I dunno! :D

March Hare: Neep noop.

Alice: Did you seriously just waste my time by asking a pointless riddle... without knowing the answer?

Mad Hatter: I don't think you should talk about Father Time like you own him.

Alice: Father Time?

Mad Hatter: Yeah, he's the master of the timeline! We used to be good buddies.

Alice: Used to?

Mad Hatter: I remember it was March, before Marchi's yearly episodes. See, there was this live variety show for the Queen, and I sang "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat"! But the Queen began yelling something about me "murdering the time". Obviously, Time took that as an insult, so we haven't talked to each other since. The timeline's stood still here ever since.

Alice: So, none of these things are ever washed?

Mad Hatter: Yeah! Which reminds me: CLEAN CUP!

(The three move to different seats. Alice, with Hamlin, follows suit.)

Mad Hatter: See, that's how we manage!

Alice: But what happens when they're all used up?

March Hare: Beep boop.

Mad Hatter: Good idea! Let's change the uncomfortable subject. How 'bout a story?

(Hamlin claps his hooves.)

Alice: Okay. Who'll tell the story?

Dormouse: ME.

Alice: Uh-

Dormouse: Once upon a time, there were three sisters, who lived at the bottom of a well.

Alice: How did they survive?

Dormouse: They ate treacle.

Alice: That couldn't've been healthy.

Dormouse: So they had strong immune systems.

Alice: Okay, but why the well? Why did they live in a well?

Dormouse: It was... a treacle well.

Alice: A treacle well?

Dormouse: Yes, and they were learning to draw everything that begins with an M.

Alice: Why?

Dormouse: Why not? They drew the moon, memories and muchness... Ever seen much of a muchness?

Alice: (confused) I don't think...

Mad Hatter: That's the thing: If you don't think, you shouldn't talk! Just because we've just met you, doesn't mean we'll tell our friends about you.

Alice: That's it, I'm leaving. (to Hamlin) C'mon.

(Alice and Hamlin take their leave.)

Dormouse: Does this mean I get to go into the teapot again?

Mad Hatter: Yup!

March Hare: Beep boop!

Dormouse: Yaaaay!

(Meanwhile, Alice and Hamlin walk along another trail.)

Alice: That might have been the dumbest party I've ever been to.

(Hamlin oinks to get her attention. Alice looks to see a door in a large tree. It looks familiar.)

Alice: I've seen that before...!

(She opens the door which leads back to the hall of doors from the beginning of the adventure.)

Alice: I knew it! Good thing I still have the mushrooms.

(She takes the key and places it next to the small door. Next, she eats the shrinking mushroom, reducing herself to the right height. Hamlin also eats the mushroom, shrinking to fit as well.)

Alice: Now we can get to that garden.

(She unlocks the door, allowing herself and Hamlin to enter the garden. As they look around, they hear voices.)

Four: Watch it, Five! You're splashing paint everywhere!

Five: Sorry. I just wanted to finish this one quick.

(Alice and Hamlin see four people around a white rose bush, painting the flowers red.)

Seven: Yeah, you'd better. You don't wanna get in trouble for your screw-up again.

Two: Dare I ask what he did last time?

Five: (to Seven) Please don't tell her.

Seven: He gave the kitchen staff tulip roots instead of onions.

Five: WHY?

Alice: Uh, what are you doing?

Five: OH DEAR GOD, SHE'S HERE- (sees Alice) Oh.

Two: Well, the fact is, you see, there should have been a red rose bush here, except somebody here had the orders mixed up. (shoots a look at Five)

Five: It was an honest mistake!

Seven: So that's why we gotta paint over these things before-

Four: She's coming!

(Five shrieks like a little girl. As the other four run to the nearest giant flowerpot and jump inside, Alice and Hamlin watch as a royal procession approaches. Among them is the White Rabbit, who announces...)

White Rabbit: Their Royal Majesties, the King and Queen of Hearts!

(Followed closely by the Knave of Hearts, the King and Queen of Hearts enter the scene.)

Queen of Hearts: (regarding Alice) Who's this kid?

Knave of Hearts: I dunno.

Queen of Hearts: Meh. (to Alice) What's your name?

Alice: I'm Alice, Your Majesty.

Queen of Hearts: And who's hiding in that pot?

Five: Oh god.

Alice: How should I know? It's not like I have any part in this.

Queen of Hearts: That's it, off with her head!

Alice: What?!

King of Hearts: Honey, she's just a kid!

Queen of Hearts: (heavy sigh) Alright. Now what happened here? (indicates the rose bush)

Knave of Hearts: It looks like a mistake was made.

Queen of Hearts: I'll say it was.

(Behind the Queen's back, the quartet sneak out of the pot and bolt as silently as they can.)

Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads, then. (to Alice) You.

Alice: Me?

Queen of Hearts: How good are you at croquet?

Alice: Well, I have a croquet set at home...

Queen of Hearts: Good enough!

(As the croquet game is set up, the White Rabbit approaches.)

White Rabbit: Sorry that you got trapped in my house earlier. I guess I should have warned you about that potion.

Alice: It's okay. Wasn't the Duchess gonna be here?

White Rabbit: Well, she was, but now she's due for execution.

(At this news, Hamlin oinks in concern.)

Queen of Hearts: Places, people!

(Everyone scatters to their places. The game is played with live flamingos as the mallets, with live hedgehogs as the balls. To make the arches, some people drop to their hands and feet.)

Alice: Do they not have an actual croquet set, so they're making do with whatever...?

Cheshire Cat: Probably. They might not know how to actually play.

(Alice looks up to see the Cheshire Cat, or at least, her floating head.)

Alice: I guess that explains a lot.

(The King of Hearts notices.)

King of Hearts: What is that?

Alice: The Cheshire Cat.

Cheshire Cat: Charmed, I'm sure.

King of Hearts: Please don't stare at me like that.

Alice: I think cats can look at kings.

King of Hearts: Well, whoever said that was a maniac. (to the Queen) Honey! (indicating the Cheshire Cat) What should we do about this thing?

(The Queen takes one look and comes to a decision.)

Queen of Hearts: Off with her head.

King of Hearts: You always know just what to say, dear. (leaves to get the Executioner)

Cheshire Cat: I'd like to see where this goes.

(The King returns with the Executioner.)

Executioner: I can't behead that! She doesn't even have a body.

King of Hearts: Nonsense! Anything that has a head can be beheaded.

Queen of Hearts: Well, if you don't do anything about it, EVERYONE DIES.

Executioner: That sounds like too much work for me.

Alice: W-Well, how 'bout you ask the Duchess? She's the Cheshire Cat's friend.

Queen of Hearts: Fine. Bring her here.

Cheshire Cat: Watch me screw with them. (fades into the ether)

(The Queen's soldiers escort the Duchess forward.)

Duchess: You called for me?

King of Hearts: We just need you to answer one question: Is that your cat? (points to where the Cheshire Cat used to be)

(The Duchess looks confused. The King looks to see the Cheshire Cat is no longer there.)

King of Hearts: Ah.

(As he and the Executioner bolt, searching for the Cheshire Cat, the Duchess heads over to Alice and Hamlin. Hamlin oinks happily.)

Duchess: Oh Hamlin, I'm so glad you're okay. (to Alice) Thank you for taking good care of him.

Alice: Uh... No problem.

Duchess: There's a moral for all this, I think, If I could just remember what it is.

Alice: Looks like the game's going on better, now.

Duchess: Yes, and the moral of that is: ’Tis love that makes the world go round!

(The Queen quickly approaches.)

Queen of Hearts: And if you say 'moral' a third time, your head's coming off!

Duchess: Oh dear... Goodbye! (picks up Hamlin and runs as the piglet waves Alice goodbye)

Queen of Hearts: Good riddance to her.

(The Queen then notices that everyone in the croquet grounds are just lazing about.)

Queen of Hearts: MAY WE CONTINUE THE GAME, PLEASE?!

(At this, everybody freaks out. In the ensuing chaos, Alice chooses that moment to sneak away.)

Alice: Okay, coming here turned out to be a bad idea. Now what?

(As she reaches a beach, she notices a boy stretched out on a rock in the sun. He notices her.)

Griffin: Hey.

Alice: Uh, hi.

Griffin: What's your name?

Alice: Alice. What about you?

Griffin: Name's Griffin. What brings you here?

Alice: I'm kinda lost.

Griffin: Did you try Hare Krishna?

Alice: Huh?

Griffin: Just kidding!

(Alice is unimpressed.)

Alice: Well... Is there a way outta this place?

Griffin: (hops down) Why don't we ask my good friend, Turtle? C'mon, I'll take you to meet her.

(Alice follows him to a cove where a girl with black tear stains on her cheeks is reclining.)

Griffin: Hey, Turt!

Turtle: Hi, Griff.

Griffin: Turt, this kid wants to know how to leave the country.

Alice: Wait, this is an entire country? No offense, but I kinda thought I fell into a weird underground community of lunatics.

Turtle: Nope! This is the Queendom of Hearts.

Alice: Riiiiight. So... Not to sound rude, but what's with those tear stains on your face?

Turtle: (flatly) It's a sordid story.

Griffin: Yeah, she's kinda got issues.

Turtle: (cheerfully) Anyway! Lemme tel ya 'bout ourselves.

Alice: Uh... (sits) Okay.

Turtle: When me an' Griff were younger, we went to this school in the ocean. Our teacher was a sea turtle, we called 'im Tortoise since he tort us. He tort us lotsa stuff: French, music, and washin', but I only learnt the basics, like Reelin', Writhin' an' Arithmetic: Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.

Alice: Yeah, figures that schools in this place would teach stuff like that.

Turtle: There's also Mystery, both ancient and modern-type, with Seaography, an' Drawlin', Stretchin', and Faintin' in Coils; I had a conger eel to teach those last three.

Griffin: Yeah, but I didn't go to her. My teacher was a crab. The guy taught Laughing and Grief.

Alice: Huh.

Griffin: But the real fun was the school dances. Man, you should've been to one of those!

Turtle: Yeah! We danced the Lobster Quadrille, an' they played songs like "Beautiful Soup"! They were th' best!

Griffin: Yup! So, what about you?

Alice: Well, you probably already know this, but I'm kinda a newcomer here.

Griffin: Uh-huh.

Alice: I'm actually here by mistake. See, this White Rabbit---

(Suddenly, there is the sound of a bell, and the White Rabbit's voice rings out.)

White Rabbit: Attention! Attention! The trial of the Knave of Hearts will begin shortly!

Alice: A trial?

Turtle: Oh boy, we can't miss this!

Griffin: C'mon, let's go!

(The three head in the direction of the White Rabbit's call. They reach the outdoor trial, where the Knave of Hearts is standing in the defendant's box. On a table is a plate of cherry tarts.)

Alice: What're we here for again?

Griffin: To save the poor guy from a death worse than fate!

King of Hearts: Herald, read the charge!

White Rabbit: (reading from a scroll) The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,

And took them quite away!

Knave of Hearts: But I didn't do it...

Queen of Hearts: Did I ask you to speak?

Knave of Hearts: No.

King of Hearts: Members of the jury, retire and consider your verdict.

White Rabbit: Not yet! We need to call witnesses.

King of Hearts: Fine. Call the first witness.

(The first witness is the Mad Hatter. He comes in holding a teacup, with the March Hare and Dormouse in tow.)

Mad Hatter: Hi, Your Majesty! Sorry for the teacup, I wasn't done with teatime.

King of Hearts: Well, when did you begin?

Mad Hatter: Good question. Marchi, when did we begin? Fourteenth or Fifteenth?

March Hare: Beep boop?

Dormouse: Sixteenth!

King of Hearts: (to the jury) Write those numbers down, and subtract, multiply, and convert to grams and kilos. (to the Hatter) And take off that hat.

Mad Hatter: It's not mine.

King of Hearts: Stolen! Jury, write that down!

Mad Hatter: Actually, I don't have any of my own; I'm a hatter.

Queen of Hearts: Do I know you?

Mad Hatter: Uhhhh... Nnnooooo...?

King of Hearts: Just give your evidence, already.

Mad Hatter: I'm a poor guy. Like I told you, I haven't finished my tea, and Marchi said...

March Hare: Neep noop.

King of Hearts: She denies it. Leave out that part, Jury.

Mad Hatter: Anyway the Dormouse said... Well, after I spread some more butter...

King of Hearts: Alright, but what did the Dormouse say?

Mad Hatter: I forgot.

Queen of Hearts: Well, I sure didn't forget you.

Mad Hatter: Please, I'm just a poor guy.

King of Hearts: Not to mention a poor speaker.

Juror: OOOHH!

(A whistle is blown, and the juror is tackled by a team of football players.)

King of Hearts: Anyway, if that's all you know, then stand down.

Mad Hatter: I don't think I can stand any lower...

King of Hearts: Okay, then you're free to go.

Mad Hatter: Want me to sing again?

Queen of Hearts: GET OUT OR DIE.

Mad Hatter: Okay!

(He and the March Hare take their leave.)

King of Hearts: Call the next witness!

Knave of Hearts: What about me?

White Rabbit: What about you?

Knave of Hearts: I'm the accused.

(The next witness is the Cook.)

King of Hearts: Give your evidence.

(The Cook shakes her head no.)

White Rabbit: Maybe Your Majesty should cross examine her.

King of Hearts: Ahem. What are the tarts made of?

Dormouse: (in the jury box) Treacle and cheese.

Queen of Hearts: Hold on, what's she still doing here?

Dormouse: You can't contain me. I was born to breach containment! (runs off)

King of Hearts: (rubbing his temples) Just call the third witness.

White Rabbit: Alice!

Alice: Wh- Me?!

(Feeling around nervously, Alice grabs the last mushroom piece. She eats it, growing to her normal size.)

King of Hearts: Huh. Now, uh, what do you know about this case?

Alice: Nothing.

King of Hearts: Nothing whatsoever?

Alice: Nothing whatsoever.

King of Hearts: That's important.

White Rabbit: You mean unimportant?

King of Hearts: Yeah. Now, Rule No. 42: All persons more than a mile high must leave immediately.

Alice: I'm not a---

Queen of Hearts: You're more like two miles high. LEAVE.

Alice: I swear you just made that up.

King of Hearts: It's the oldest rule in the book.

Alice: Then why isn't it No. 1?

King of Hearts: Oh. Once again, I ask the Jury to consider their verdict.

Queen of Hearts: Why don't we do the sentence first and the verdict afterwards?

Alice: No way! That's just stupid!

Queen of Hearts: You watch your mouth.

Alice: And let an innocent man die? Besides, if the tarts are right here, how could he have stolen them? There's no crime!

White Rabbit: Don't you care about what other people think?

Alice: Only when I know I'm doing the right thing.

White Rabbit: That's good. You're mature after all.

(At that moment...)

Sister: Alice?

(Hearing her sister's voice, Alice looks up... and finds herself back in the area where she started before seeing the White Rabbit.)

Sister: That was some nap you were taking.

Alice: Yeah. And what a weird dream I had, too!

Sister: Well, you can tell me about it on the way back. It's getting late.

Alice: Okay!

(As Alice and her sister begin their walk home, Alice begins her story.)

Alice: So, I saw this White Rabbit...

The End

[biotech-news-feed]

This unique video presents a far-ranging conversation with Nio Queiro, President of The Queiro Group. Topics include changes in revenue cycle management (RCM), the role of AI, the importance of being willing to evolve with the times, and finally, a #BioTech #science

[psychology9]

PSYCHOLOGY TEACHER KOLKATA

Oishi Mazumder

B.A.(Psychology Hons.), M.A., M.Sc.(Child & Adolescent Family Therapy)

Oishi Mazumder is one of the best psychology teachers hailing from Kolkata. With an experience of more than ten years under her belt, she is a proficient teacher who can take care of all your psychology concerns. Apart from being a psychology tutor, she is a part-time teacher with the Hope Kolkata Foundation and a practising psychotherapist as well as a child-adolescent and parenting counselor. 

Being one of the best psychology teachers that you will find, Oishi Mazumder teaches students from class 11 and 12 belonging to any board; be it West Bengal State Board, CBSE, ICSE or NIOS. She is comfortable with teaching both English an Bengali medium students. She assists the students with books as well as notes.  Oishi can teach both individual students as well as batches. She is one of the best psychology teachers you will get for your child.

[watchpeterpan2]

a closing note on regarding saeki sayaka novel 1:

yknow how i said this book was leaning heavily on yuzuki’s love for sayaka being sincere and tragic? i failed to remember how much of a reversal this thing suddenly pulls as of the breakup. suddenly, it’s all “she only ever loved the idea of being in love” - an understandable thought for a distraught sayaka to have, sure, but made much stranger by iruma also seemingly buying into it despite everything the novel has already said. doesn't work

as a whole? brains always inflate negatives and positives to extremes over time, so i'm sure my perspective going into this thing was probably a little too mean. there's plenty of good here. it's just that so much of the story ends up in the same place as yuzuki's arc - completely lost in itself so as to no longer have a point. what could be something more becomes a story simply to be a story. that's the real letdown here. so much promise, such minimal payoff

absolutely worth revisiting though! iruma handles sayaka saeki so naturally; if you told me nakatani nio wrote this book, i'd believe you. first time through, this was my first experience with hitoma iruma's writing, so it's funny to see the adashima dna pop up this time around. mediocre start to a series that improves a bunch, but at least mediocre in an interesting way

gonna close this off with the page from the manga where sayaka absolutely wrecks yuzuki (shoutout beloved mangaka nio nakatani):

[fiannalover]

I think a huge part of what makes this work is that you don't see the characteristics from the word go. The game makes you think this is gonna be the typical "Protagonist learns alchemy and the hyperfixation fixes all their life problems", but then when you get the first Alchemy recipe book, Ayesha pointedly notes she already knew most of the techniques there, to the point she flawlessly follows a bomb recipe without realizing she was making an explosive. The first scene in the game has her nearly blow up her workshop then later you see her spell out every single property of her medicines and how they work without missing a beat. She seems messy but when Nio returns up she complains there is nothing to fix up in the workshop anymore.

Ayesha begins fully developed, but you keep learning about that through the same pacing of an usual character development structure.

One of the funny things about Ayesha's writing is that, all considered, she doesn’t really develop through the course of the game and that's Good, Actually. Like yeah she learns a lot about stuff and steels her resolve, but Ayesha begins the game with all relevant life skills needed to be an alchemist, a deep sense of ethical AND professional responsibility, the determination to save her sister and coping strategies for her ADHD. She ends the game with more or less the same base personality characteristics she begins the game with. She just, like, learns how to make bombs about it.

[aesthetics-for-you]

PRIDE!!!#9

A lesbian flag <3

I am sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was feeling unmotivated :( because my posts aren't getting any notes. Please tell me if you would like me to do something differently. Reply with a 'yes' if you wanna be tagged in the PRIDE!!! series! Feel free to send in requests in the asks :)

(tagging under the cut)

@damnineedsleep @speedrunningtherapy @book-dragon-not-worm @hometothecanyonmoon @gaynngel @clumsypri @nio-bee-um @iwillraiseyou-fromperdition @impala-kaz @writingismydivision @darwin-is-the-best @queerbaitingshouldbeillegal @aniridescentdreamer @surrounded-by-exquisite-clutter @stuffandatherstuff @doctorhunterdetective @helloliriels @mishacase2003 @logicalerror101 @silvasabadboy @nobilitydefined @godofprometheus @ravenclawbooksonmistyfalls34 @wizardoface @spn-world-666 @chinike @fuckmylifewtf @thosefookinavacados @johnlock-rocks @blog-of-stuff-i-guess @residentofskinnymandria @mikeyboi05 @zeppelis-bubbles @sapphicsupergirl @i-am-not-here-actually @jwillowwolf @stars-triumphant @dolly-bear-blog @winterturnedwolf @serpant-of-heaven @rambling-manticore @aiden-is-a-frog @naturallyathief @litandqueenlovingangelbastard @bertytravelsfar

[genxjaipur-blog]

Open University Institute & Coaching Center Genx Jaipur, Presently anybody can join the instructors at the Genx Jaipur Center. Send companion solicitations to Genx educators; Discuss anything with straight instructors; Get content from online Genx instructors Most recent @GenxJaipur Center NEET (UG) 2018 Candidates: Last exercise with judicial shot for understudies of Ajmer, Alwar, Jodhpur and so forth

[gphbook1-blog]

If you are pursuing a correspondence course, then you will need a variety of IGNOU help books that include solved important questions, solved papers, and exam notes along with study materials and exam tips all contained within one book.GPH Book is your path to success. GPH Book is a Leading highly recognized publishing house and online bookseller of India. Get the Best ignou help books, wide range of children's books, IGNOU B.Ed help books, IGNOU MA help book, IGNOU BA Help Books, NIOS deled guides Books and solved papers. GPH Book also offers IAS UPSC Government exam books that are comprehensive and easy to follow, the mantra for exam success.

[imbjsid2345-blog]

All you need to know about CTET before you going to give CTET exam.

CTET 2019 Eligibility Criteria

Applicant, needs to fulfil the below-mentioned requirements in order to appear for CBSE CTET 2019. Please note that the CTET eligibility criteria depend purely on the Class for which the candidate is applying for:

Note: As per the latest notification, B.ed candidates are also eligible to fill CTET 2019 application form.

(i) Primary Level

Senior Secondary (or its equivalent) with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in final year of 2-year Diploma in Elementary Education.

OR

Senior Secondary (or its equivalent) with at least 45% marks and passed or appearing in final year of 2-year Diploma in Elementary Education.

OR

Senior Secondary (or its equivalent) with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in final year of 4 years Bachelor of Elementary Education (B.El.Ed).

OR

Senior Secondary (or its equivalent) with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in final year of 2-year Diploma in Education.

OR

Graduation and passed or appearing in final year of 2-year Diploma in Elementary Education.

(ii) Upper Primary Level

Graduation and passed or appearing in final year of 2-year Diploma in Elementary Education.

OR

Graduation with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in 1 year Bachelor in Education (B.Ed).

OR

Graduation with at least 45% marks and passed or appearing in 1 year Bachelor in Education (B.Ed).

OR

Senior Secondary (or its equivalent) with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in final year of 4 years Bachelor in Elementary Education (B.El.Ed)

OR

Senior Secondary (or its equivalent) with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in final year of 4 years B.A/B.Sc.Ed or B.A.Ed/B.Sc.Ed.

OR

Graduation with at least 50% marks and passed or appearing in 1 year B.Ed.

You can take a look at the detailed eligibility criteria of CTET for further information. The latest eligibility criteria will be released with the official CTET notification release.

CTET 2019 Exam Pattern

CTET Exam Pattern Paper 1

Subject - Child development & Pedagogy

Number of question - 30

Marks - 30

Subject - Mathematics

Number of question - 30

Marks - 30

Subject - Language - 1

Number of questions - 30

Marks - 30

Subject - Language - 2

Number of questions - 30

Marks - 30

Subject - Environmental Studies

Number of questions - 30

Marks - 30

Total

Number of questions - 150

Marks - 150

CTET Exam Pattern Paper 2 

Subject -  Child development & Pedagogy

Number of Question  - 30

Marks  - 30

 Subject - Language - 1

 Number of Question - 30

 Marks - 30

 Subject - Language - 2

 Number of Question - 30

 Marks - 30

Science & Mathematics OR Social Science

Number of Question - 60

Marks - 60

Total

Number of Question - 150

Marks - 150

CTET 2019 Syllabus

Understanding the syllabus for CTET exam is very important, thus you can check out the complete syllabus of CTET 2019 exam. We have also provided the subject-wise syllabus for CBSE CTET Exam in the table given below:

Subject

Syllabus

Social Science

Detailed syllabus of Social Science for CTET Exam

Science

Detailed syllabus of Science for CTET Exam

Mathematics

Detailed syllabus of Mathematics for CTET Exam

CTET Books

There are ample books available online and offline, but choosing the best book out of all is a task. We have simplified the task here by preparing the list of best books for CTET exam preparation.

CTET Paper I Books

Subjects

CTET Books

Mathematics

CTET & TETs for Class I-V Mathematics & Pedagogy by Arihant Experts

Child Development and Pedagogy

CTET & TETs Child Development & Pedagogy (Paper I & II) by Arihant Experts

Environmental Studies

CTET & TETs Environmental Studies & Pedagogy Class I-V by Arihant Experts

CTET Paper II Books

Subjects

CTET Books

Child Development and Pedagogy (compulsory)

A Complete Resource for CTET: Child Development and Pedagogy by Sandeep Kumar (for both Paper I and II)

Social Studies/Social Science

CTET Success Master Science Social/Studies Paper-II for Class VI-VIII by Arihant Experts

Science and Mathematics

CTET Success Master Paper-II Teacher Selection for Class VI-VIII Maths & Science by Arihant Experts

CTET Certificate Validity

The validity of CTET Certificate for all category is total Seven (7) Years from the date of result declaration. For more, you can check out the importance of CTET certificates and its validity.

CategoryCTET Passing MarksQualifying Percentage CTET Validity

General 90 out of 15060%7 Years

SC/ST/OBC82 out of 15055%

CTET Admit Card

CBSE will publish CTET admit card on its website 10-15 days before the CTET 2019 exam date. We will update the direct link to download the admit card from the official site. Make sure you have registration number and password at the time of downloading your admit card.

CTET FAQs

If you have any query or doubt regarding CTET 2019, you can refer to the frequently asked questions for Central Teacher Eligibility Test. We have listed down some common queries students often ask: 1. Is CTET held twice a year? Yes, CTET held twice a year. 2. What is the exam date of CTET 2019? The CTET 2019 exam will take place on 7th July 2019. 3. What is the eligibility for CTET? To apply for CTET 2019, you must have a graduation degree (with 50% marks) and should pass the 1 year Bachelor in Education. 4. What is meant by CTET? Central Teacher Eligibility Test (CTET) is conducted by Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE) every year twice to recruit teachers for various classes. 5. Is CTET exam held every year? Yes, CTET takes place every year two times. 6. Is BEd required for CTET exam? Yes, B.Ed is required for CTET exam. 7. Can NIOS Deled apply for CTET? If you have done Deled then you can apply for CTET. 8. Can a graduate apply for CTET? Graduate with 2 years of Diploma in Education can apply. 9. Is CTET required for PGT? No, CTET is not required for PGT. 10. Can MCA apply for CTET 2019? No, MCA candidates cannot apply for CTET 2019. 11. Can 12th pass apply for CTET? No, 12th passed candidates are not eligible for CTET. 12. Can a B Tech student apply for CTET? No, B.Tech students are not eligible for CTET exam. 13. Is there any age limit for CTET? There is no age limit defined for CTET exam. 14. How many papers are there in CTET? There will be two papers; Paper I and Paper II for CTET exam. 15. Where can I download the CTET admit card from? You can download the admit card from the official site of CTET before the last date. 16. When will the CTET online Application Form link get active? The online application form for CTET 2019 will get active on 05.02.2019. 17. What is the benefit for CTET exam? After CTET certification, you can become the Government or Private sector teacher. 18. What is the validity of CTET certificate? The validity of CTET certificate is 7 Years. 19. What is the pass mark for CTET? To clear the CTET exam you must possess 60% marks. 20. What are the CTET Application fees for various categories?

Category Only Paper I or Paper II Both Paper I & Paper II

General and OBC INR.700/ INR.1200/-

SC/ST/PWD INR.350/ INR.600/-

[sandwichbully]

Zakia Deli, 14 September 2018

   Alright alright alright, everybody calm the fuck down, I know this is a day late, but sometimes, to quote Voltaire, shit happens. I knew that sitting in a tattoo chair for two hours yesterday was going to eat up some time but then GF & I broke up and that bummed me out, didn’t have it in me to write anything. I wound up watching the De Niro / Reno action flick Ronin while I played Bejeweled in Zen mode.    Look, this aint my personal blog, I’m not going to get personal, this is a fucking sandwich blog and I know that GF is not going to want the gory details spilled on a sandwich blog. I’m just giving a heads up to you, the reader, so that you don’t at some point notice those two capital letters have been missing for a while and then just assume I have her hacked up in my closet or some weirdo bullshit like that.    The truth is we broke up because she got accepted into the space program and I’m just not in a place in my life where I can pack things up and move up to the International Space Station. How would I even write this blog? You think there are delis in space?    ANYhoo, I knew this week was about going to a place I’d not been to before every day but I haven’t been to Zakia in so long I figured I would cap the week with that. Zakia was the place where I would splurge on payday instead of brown bagging when I worked at UCare - “UCare: Health Care That Starts With You” aka “UCare: Yo, Fuck Your Birth Control” aka “UCare: No Oxygen For You” aka “UCare: Take A Chlamydia Test!”    I really fucking hated working there but I liked Zakia. And I liked Empire next door to it. I had a one-night stand with a gal from Empire - What’s that? Just because I’m newly single doesn’t mean I have license to be vulgar?    Where’s the fun in that? I want to be vulgar! It’s literally my only Snapchat hookup story!    Yes, I had Snapchat. It was actually pretty boring. And then they made that shitty Rihanna joke and I may be too old for Snapchat but you’re never too old to play for Team Riri and I straight deleted that shit.    Anyway, like a year later she won tickets to a folk music festival up by Duluth and asked me if I wanted to go but GF and I had just started dating and I’m not into a whole weekend of folk music, Inside Llewyn Davis is long enough, thanks, so I told her my guy Nio was a solid guy but she didn’t know him and so she just wound up not going to the folk music festival and I felt bad for her but what could I do? Tell the person I just started seeing, “Hey, so there’s this pastry chef I boinked a year ago that wants me to take a totally platonic weekend getaway with her”?    Nah. That wouldn’t play well.    SO!!! Yes yes yes, Zakia Zakia Zakia! I got up there about lunch time and I got in line and it’s been three years so I recognize none of the faces and I consider a gyro or a cheesesteak and I settle on cheesesteak and the lady takes my order and asks me what kind of cheese and I know they don’t have cheez whiz so I say American and I go up to the register and the lady there is pulling double duty ringing up one lady and me at the same time and I tell her I got a cheesesteak and anything else? Yeah, lemme get a spanakopita and a Mexican Coke.    A spinach pie?    Yeah, a spanakopita.    The spinach pie.    Yeah, the spanakopita.    So you want the spinach one, yes?    Yes, I’ll take the spinach one... The spanakopita.    There is no reason on the planet that should have been that complicated but it was.    I get my food and I go outside and sit on the bench in the shade and... The cheesesteak was right-off-the-grill hot, it tasted like I expected it to, meat, cheese, peppers... Thing is, those peppers pretty much sat at one end of the sandwich, which was odd, you can even see it in the photo up there. You would think that with it being that obvious, they would have shifted things around.    Anyway, the steak was tender, the peppers were firm, the lot of cheese I saw the lady put on the sandwich was melted down to a thin ectoplasmic membrane flimsily holding the meat together and anchoring everything inside a fluffy roll.    The spanokopita was straight up sour and wasn’t my thing.    You know about Mexican Coke.    And then I packed up my wrappers and threw those out and got ready to leave.    Not a whole lot more to say. This weekend wraps up my vacation and then I go back to work on Monday, back to a mail room that’ll look like a disaster area and probably a dozen emails from my boss who doesn’t listen to a goddamned thing I have to say anyway.    But a quick note on spanakopita:    You can help me never go back to that office again by buying my actual-real-yes-it-exists work of fiction, Batpussy: A Speculative Fiction which includes two, count ‘em, two characters with the surname Spanakopita, Irving and his nephew Milquetoast. This is a book you can have in your home and keep out of reach of children for the low low price of $10.10. And you can tell your friends to buy their own copy, and tell them to tell their friends to buy a copy and tell their friends.    It’s got everything you could ever want in a book: Cocaine, fried chicken, murder, sex, speed, and that’s just in alphabetical order.    Get yours today! https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/batpussy-charlie-pauken/1129374780?ean=9781538094839

[psychology9]

PSYCHOLOGY TEACHER KOLKATA

Oishi Mazumder

B.A.(Psychology Hons.), M.A., M.Sc.(Child & Adolescent Family Therapy)

Oishi Mazumder is one of the best psychology teachers hailing from Kolkata. With an experience of more than ten years under her belt, she is a proficient teacher who can take care of all your psychology concerns. Apart from being a psychology tutor, she is a part-time teacher with the Hope Kolkata Foundation and a practising psychotherapist as well as a child-adolescent and parenting counselor. 

Being one of the best psychology teachers that you will find, Oishi Mazumder teaches students from class 11 and 12 belonging to any board; be it West Bengal State Board, CBSE, ICSE or NIOS. She is comfortable with teaching both English an Bengali medium students. She assists the students with books as well as notes.  Oishi can teach both individual students as well as batches. She is one of the best psychology teachers you will get for your child.

[hanumansringtosita]

Dear Gurudeva,

Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Śrīla Prabhupāda! All glories to you on this auspicious occasion of Vyāsa Pūjā!

 Gauḍīya Vaiṣṇava history is full of courageous pioneers, ācāryas who have found creative yet faithful ways to awaken the living entities’ relationship with Kṛṣṇa. We can remember the work of Śrīla Jīva Gosvāmī, who used innovative legal instruments and political relationships to secure the Gosvamīs’ temples from destruction by future rulers. Because he wrote a final will—the earliest example of such a legal document in India—and negotiated land ownership with Emperor Akbar through the Rajputs, we can still visit the beautiful Govindadeva and Madan Mohan temples in Vrindavan. Similarly, Śrīla Baladeva Vidyābhūṣaṇa was a pioneer in Vedantic debates, for he wrote the sampradāya’s first commentary on the Vedānta-sūtra and defended it at the Rajput court in Jaipur. In modern times, Śrīla Bhaktivinode Ṭhākura spoke against caste Brahmanism and sahajiyā groups, while engaging with Western intellectual culture in India and abroad. Śrīla Bhaktisiddhānta Sarasvati Ṭhākura continued this work, by presenting the philosophy of yukta-vairāgya—that every modern technology and social structure can be used in the service of bhakti. Our own Śrīla Prabhupāda broke through the boundaries of the Indian subcontinent to make Kṛṣṇa’s name resound in every part of the globe, by writing, publishing, and distributing the Vaiṣṇava scriptures by the millions.

 Gurudeva, you have assimilated the pioneering spirit of our sampradāya and extended it further, to find fresh ways of reaching the slumbering souls of this world. In the spirit of Hanumān searching for Mother Sītā, you search for creative yet faithful ways to connect the world’s classical cultures—and the living entities influenced by them—with Mahāprabhu’s mission. You often say that your role is not to build bridges, since building a bridge takes many people and resources, but only to scope out the feasibility of bridge-building. Your trail-blazing spirit has shown many thousands of people how to find their way back home. And your pioneering spirit has inspired your disciples to follow your lead in charting creative ways to spread Mahāprabhu’s mission.

 Here are eight ways in which you have built bridges—or rather, shown us the possibility of bridge- building—to reach those have been kidnapped by the Rāvaṇa-like mentality of sense enjoyment.

 1.   Scholarship and academia: When much of ISKCON was still wondering whether it was worthwhile to write academic books, produce journals, or engage with scholars, you were already forging a path ahead through the North American Institute for Oriental and Classical Studies. With three substantial books published, a regular journal, and numerous conferences— all of which received participation from noted scholars of our time—NIOS is a respected institution that can hold its own in the academic world and which will provide a model of

Vaiṣṇava academic engagement for generations to come. The finest example of this engagement is your project on Carl Jung and the Bhakti Siddhānta of Classical India.

 2.   Cultural exchange: Your respect for world classical literature and your motif, “Cultivation of the Human Spirit” have opened ways for devotees to find Kṛṣṇa within, and connect Kṛṣṇa to, their own cultural backgrounds. Some examples of your pioneering work in this area include your travels with the Manipuri dancers and Lokanātha Prabhu’s puppet theater, your gallery exhibits of art from Light of the Bhāgavata, the Bharatiya Sanskriti festivals, and your riveting presentations of Arjuna and Hamlet, world classical literature, as well as Rūpa Gosvāmī and

dramatic theory.

  3.   Education in ISKCON: For many decades, you have been a champion for primary, secondary, and higher education within the movement—from gurukulas, to homeschooling, to colleges and universities. You guided the gurukula in Peru and the TKG Academy in Houston, taught regularly at Bhaktivedanta College in Belgium, organized ISKCON education conferences, and served on the executive body of ISKCON’s Ministry of Education.

 4.   Śāstric study: Your systematic and practically useful knowledge of the Bhaktivedānta Library is extraordinary. You can outline the Śrimad Bhāgavatam’s genealogical structure in under an hour, summarize the Nectar of Instruction in five minutes, provide an overview of the

Bhaktivedānta Library in a single slide, and supply numerous acronyms for your audience to hold on to this information. Your most impressive contribution in this area are the curriculums for the Bhaktivaibhava and Bhaktivedānta degrees, and these materials have inspired senior Vaiṣṇavas to study Śrīla Prabhupāda’s books. In the pioneering spirit, you often say that because you and your team are pioneers in this area, the study materials we produce will require refinement and elaboration by future students.

 5.   Science and Religion: One of your earliest trailblazing ventures was serving in the Bhaktivedanta Institute alongside H.H. Bhaktisvarūpa Dāmodara Mahārāja. You organized the second World Congress for the Synthesis of Science and Religion in Kolkata and your presentations on

sāṅkhya, psychology, and science have helped thousands see how Krishna consciousness is reasonable, rational, and illuminating.

 6.   Interfaith Dialogue: For many decades, you have cultivated connections and friendships with members of other religious traditions, explaining to us that a madhyama-adhikārī in any religion can recognize the sincere faith of someone in another tradition. For many years, you led the annual interfaith dialogue in Murfreesboro and now with the Jesuits in Peru.

 7.   Filmmaking and audio-visual: You often say that Śrīla Prabhupāda gave us so many books and it is now our job to make movies. You have produced several movies, with one more on the way— each professionally directed. Your daily lectures expertly use PowerPoint presentations and serve as models for how to incorporate visual elements into teaching.

 8.   Teaching methods: From the handmade and hand-mailed Hanuman Express Dispatch newsletters 30 years ago to the professional videos of ASA Audio-Visual today, you have been a pioneer of distance education. Your online classes are the opposite of what most people expect with online education—they are interactive, visually dynamic, and even spontaneous, keeping the audience fully engaged.

 All of this pioneering work has a single goal—to give the lost living entities the Lord’s message, his ring, in the form of Nectar of Instruction. And thus, you carry the Upadeśāmṛta close to your heart throughout your travels, memorizing its words and living your life by its instructions. You hand out Nectar of Instruction at every opportunity—at temples and airports, in seminars and casual conversations, even to a man leaving on a moving train. You give every devotee the essence of your

experience in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, in just 8 words: “Get up early and get your rounds done,” and

encourage them to make the Full Morning Program the foundation of their lives.

 Shaunaka Rishi Prabhu often says, “The most powerful ideas are those that have permeated society so deeply that no one can remember where they came from.” Gurudeva, often I see your perspectives and ideas being expressed in various parts of ISKCON, and the speaker has no knowledge of where they came from. The very nature of a pioneer is that he moves ahead of others and walks paths that have not been walked before. People rarely appreciate the full significance of a pioneer’s work until many generations later. Gurudeva, future generations will continue to feel the impact and insight of

your service and draw inspiration from your example.

 In my own life, your instructions and example have been my source of inspiration, guidance, and correction, from childhood to the present day. I recall my excitement as child, opening the Hanuman Express Dispatch when it arrived in the mail, with the memorable motto: “You no write us, we no write you.” I remember you introducing the Manipuri performers during the Festival of India at Boise State University, and my jaw dropping as I saw the drummers fly in the air. I can see you walking in Vraja Maṇḍala Parikrama, joyfully encouraging exhausted devotees with the words, “Don’t think! Just Chant!”

I recall your visit to Oxford some two decades ago and how happy you were to see the historic university buildings. At numerous milestones in my gṛhastha āśrama and academic career, your encouragement and gentle correction have been my guide. In all these moments and many, many more, your words and actions and perspectives have been the support of my fledgling creeper of bhakti.

 Gurudeva, you often say, repeating Śrīla Prabhupāda, that it is impossible for a disciple to accept everything that the spiritual master wants to offer him. In recent months, I have been feeling acutely my inability to hold all the instructions and affection you have given over the years. I am deeply indebted to you and I don’t know what I can say or do to express my gratitude, except to try to follow your instructions. And yet, even to do that, I depend on your mercy. Please forgive my mistakes and never let go of me, Gurudeva, even as you continue to blaze new trails for Śrīla Prabhupāda.

 Your hopeful servant,

Rādhikā Ramaṇa dāsa

[yurimother]

Yuri Anthology ‘Éclair Orange’ Released in English

On November 17, Yen Press released its English edition of  Yuri manga anthology Éclair Orange. This fifth book in the anthology series contains 15 new Yuri short stories.

Éclair Orange features 15 different manga creators, including Yuri legends like Nakatani Nio (Bloom Into You), Canno (Kiss and White Lily for My Dearest Girl), and Yuriko Hara (Cocoon Entwined). The volume also features insert illustrations by U35 and bb Kuroda, with a cover illustration by Nio Nakatani.

The complete lineup in the anthology includes:

Nio Nakatani

Kumiko Takeba

Miyako Miyahara

Iri Arata

Yuriko Hara

Musshu

Ruka Kobachi

Taki Kitao

Aya Fumio

Kazuno Yuikawa

Canno

Kabocha

Izumi Kawanami

Haruka Kiriyama

Auri Hirao

Note, as has been the case in multiple other volumes of the manga, Hachi Ito’s chapter from the Japanese edition is not included in the English release. Éclair Orange was initially released in Japan in November 2019. At the time of writing, it is the most recent entry into the anthology series.

You can purchase Éclair Orange digitally and in paperback today: https://amzn.to/3pBsMYR

Reading manga legally helps support publishers and creators. YuriMother makes a small commission from sales to help fund future coverage.

[chocobloby]

- Nio (the name came from my friend’s reaction when I told them it got its head bitten off and died.)

- Tin Heads (there are many of them. Make your own custom Tin Head! Jk. It’s not like I’ve got a game for that.)

- Rusty Cuckoo Bird

- Wax Seal

Illustrations and doodle of characters I drew from my story. I wrote a story that is a fanfiction of Identity V as I use the characters from that game.

The story is called The Cursed Land of Dream. It is a story about people falling into a deep slumber and not waking up and sometime die of unknown causes. Among these many people is Kate who find herself in a strange and unfamiliar place and went on a search to find the young man who she had been taken care of for a long time as she knew he was somewhere there.

If I was capable, had game knowledge, had money and etc. i might make a game because I want it to become a game but, I am not. So don’t expect a game. (I’m saying that yet I’m still noting down game ideas in my PC without the ability of making a game. I don’t even try to reach out to people to ask them if they could help me make it but I’m too scared and don’t trust people and I can’t hire people. I don’t make money. T T

And what if my game ideas are bad or people aren’t interested and think it’s terrible or steal it or I’m not helpful. I mean, there is no way I can be helpful since I have no knowledge and no coordination at all.)

I haven’t even finished rewriting my story lmao. I published it once but it’s unfinished and I decided to rewrite it. But if you are interested, you can read this that is for the moment, just a draft, I guess?

https://www.quotev.com/story/13074774/Identity-V-The-Cursed-Land-of-Dreams

[loadguild600]

Apache Tomcat 403

Apache Tomcat 403 Forbidden

Apache Tomcat Http Status 403

Apache Tomcat 9 403 Access Denied

It was really very helpful for me. I was using version 8.5.32 and worked fine.thnaks. What is Apache Tomcat? Answer: Apache Tomcat is basically a Web Server and Servlet system. Because of the bug CVE-2020-1938 we want to use the latest Tomcat 7.0.100. See also CVE-2020-1938 We also use an Apache server in version 2.4, which connects to the Tomcat via AJP.

After you installed the Apache Tomcat server and successfully launched the <host>:8080 web page, you click on the Manager App button, and you get a 403 Access Denied message.

The Apache Tomcat Project is proud to announce the release of version 7.0.109 of Apache Tomcat. This release implements specifications that are part of the Java EE 6 platform. This release contains a number of bug fixes and improvements compared to version 7.0.108.

Hi, we have a strange symptom after an upgrade from Tomcat 8 to Tomcat 9, because we get a 403 for a call that works flawlessly with the previous version. Let's describe the scenario: We have a customer with a Wordpress application hosted on an Apache server. Some pages perform XMLHttpRequests to load and embed HTML snippets from other sources.

To fix it 1. Open the $CATALINA_BASE/conf/tomcat-users.xml file and add the following to the <tomcat-users> section.

<user username='admin' password='goanywhere' roles='admin-gui,manager-gui' />

2. If you are accessing the Tomcat server from a remote computer, open or create the file: $CATALINA_BASE/conf/Catalina/localhost/manager.xml, and add the below to the file.

<Context privileged='true' antiResourceLocking='false'

<Valve className='org.apache.catalina.valves.RemoteAddrValve' allow='^.*$' />

3. Restart the tomcat server: sudo systemctl restart tomcat.service

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Watch the blessing and loving online channel: SupremeMasterTV live

If you have ever asked yourself these questions, this is the book for you. What is the meaning of life? Why do people suffer? What is in control of my life? Why is life the way it is? How can I stop suffering and be happy? How can I have a successful life? How can I have a life I like to have? How can I be the person I like to be? How can I be wiser and smarter? How can I have good and harmonious relations with others? Why do people meditate to achieve enlightenment? What is the true meaning of spiritual practice? Why all beings are one? Read the book for free here.

The AJP Connector

Table of Contents

Attributes

Special Features

Introduction

The AJP Connector element represents a Connector component that communicates with a web connector via the AJP protocol. This is used for cases where you wish to invisibly integrate Tomcat into an existing (or new) Apache installation, and you want Apache to handle the static content contained in the web application, and/or utilize Apache's SSL processing.

Use of the AJP protocol requires additional security considerations because it allows greater direct manipulation of Tomcat's internal data structures than the HTTP connectors. Particular attention should be paid to the values used for the address, secret, secretRequired and allowedRequestAttributesPattern attributes.

This connector supports load balancing when used in conjunction with the jvmRoute attribute of the Engine.

The native connectors supported with this Tomcat release are:

JK 1.2.x with any of the supported servers. See the JK docs for details.

mod_proxy on Apache httpd 2.x (included by default in Apache HTTP Server 2.2), with AJP enabled: see the httpd docs for details.

Other native connectors supporting AJP may work, but are no longer supported.

Attributes

Common Attributes

Apache Tomcat 403 Forbidden

All implementations of Connector support the following attributes:

Attribute Description ajpFlush

A boolean value which can be used to enable or disable sending AJP flush messages to the fronting proxy whenever an explicit flush happens. The default value is true. An AJP flush message is a SEND_BODY_CHUNK packet with no body content. Proxy implementations like mod_jk or mod_proxy_ajp will flush the data buffered in the web server to the client when they receive such a packet. Setting this to false can reduce AJP packet traffic but might delay sending packets to the client. At the end of the response, AJP does always flush to the client.

allowTrace

A boolean value which can be used to enable or disable the TRACE HTTP method. If not specified, this attribute is set to false.

asyncTimeout

The default timeout for asynchronous requests in milliseconds. If not specified, this attribute is set to the Servlet specification default of 30000 (30 seconds).

enableLookups

Set to true if you want calls to request.getRemoteHost() to perform DNS lookups in order to return the actual host name of the remote client. Set to false to skip the DNS lookup and return the IP address in String form instead (thereby improving performance). By default, DNS lookups are disabled.

encodedSolidusHandling

When set to reject request paths containing a %2f sequence will be rejected with a 400 response. When set to decode request paths containing a %2f sequence will have that sequence decoded to / at the same time other %nn sequences are decoded. When set to passthrough request paths containing a %2f sequence will be processed with the %2f sequence unchanged. If not specified the default value is reject. This default may be modified if the deprecated system propertyorg.apache.tomcat.util.buf.UDecoder.ALLOW_ENCODED_SLASH is set.

maxHeaderCount

The maximum number of headers in a request that are allowed by the container. A request that contains more headers than the specified limit will be rejected. A value of less than 0 means no limit. If not specified, a default of 100 is used.

maxParameterCount

The maximum number of parameter and value pairs (GET plus POST) which will be automatically parsed by the container. Parameter and value pairs beyond this limit will be ignored. A value of less than 0 means no limit. If not specified, a default of 10000 is used. Note that FailedRequestFilterfilter can be used to reject requests that hit the limit.

maxPostSize

The maximum size in bytes of the POST which will be handled by the container FORM URL parameter parsing. The limit can be disabled by setting this attribute to a value less than zero. If not specified, this attribute is set to 2097152 (2 megabytes). Note that the FailedRequestFilter can be used to reject requests that exceed this limit.

maxSavePostSize

The maximum size in bytes of the POST which will be saved/buffered by the container during FORM or CLIENT-CERT authentication. For both types of authentication, the POST will be saved/buffered before the user is authenticated. For CLIENT-CERT authentication, the POST is buffered for the duration of the SSL handshake and the buffer emptied when the request is processed. For FORM authentication the POST is saved whilst the user is re-directed to the login form and is retained until the user successfully authenticates or the session associated with the authentication request expires. The limit can be disabled by setting this attribute to -1. Setting the attribute to zero will disable the saving of POST data during authentication. If not specified, this attribute is set to 4096 (4 kilobytes).

parseBodyMethods

A comma-separated list of HTTP methods for which request bodies using application/x-www-form-urlencoded will be parsed for request parameters identically to POST. This is useful in RESTful applications that want to support POST-style semantics for PUT requests. Note that any setting other than POST causes Tomcat to behave in a way that goes against the intent of the servlet specification. The HTTP method TRACE is specifically forbidden here in accordance with the HTTP specification. The default is POST

port

The TCP port number on which this Connector will create a server socket and await incoming connections. Your operating system will allow only one server application to listen to a particular port number on a particular IP address. If the special value of 0 (zero) is used, then Tomcat will select a free port at random to use for this connector. This is typically only useful in embedded and testing applications.

protocol

Sets the protocol to handle incoming traffic. To configure an AJP connector this must be specified. If no value for protocol is provided, an HTTP connector rather than an AJP connector will be configured. The standard protocol value for an AJP connector is AJP/1.3 which uses an auto-switching mechanism to select either a Java NIO based connector or an APR/native based connector. If the PATH (Windows) or LD_LIBRARY_PATH (on most unix systems) environment variables contain the Tomcat native library, the native/APR connector will be used. If the native library cannot be found, the Java NIO based connector will be used. To use an explicit protocol rather than rely on the auto-switching mechanism described above, the following values may be used: org.apache.coyote.ajp.AjpNioProtocol - non blocking Java NIO connector. org.apache.coyote.ajp.AjpNio2Protocol - non blocking Java NIO2 connector. org.apache.coyote.ajp.AjpAprProtocol - the APR/native connector. Custom implementations may also be used. Take a look at our Connector Comparison chart.

proxyName

If this Connector is being used in a proxy configuration, configure this attribute to specify the server name to be returned for calls to request.getServerName(). See Proxy Support for more information.

proxyPort

If this Connector is being used in a proxy configuration, configure this attribute to specify the server port to be returned for calls to request.getServerPort(). See Proxy Support for more information.

redirectPort

If this Connector is supporting non-SSL requests, and a request is received for which a matching <security-constraint> requires SSL transport, Catalina will automatically redirect the request to the port number specified here.

scheme

Set this attribute to the name of the protocol you wish to have returned by calls to request.getScheme(). For example, you would set this attribute to 'https' for an SSL Connector. The default value is 'http'.

secure

Set this attribute to true if you wish to have calls to request.isSecure() to return true for requests received by this Connector. You would want this on an SSL Connector or a non SSL connector that is receiving data from a SSL accelerator, like a crypto card, an SSL appliance or even a webserver. The default value is false.

sendReasonPhrase

Set this attribute to true if you wish to have a reason phrase in the response. The default value is false.

Note: This option is deprecated and will be removed in Tomcat 9. The reason phrase will not be sent.

URIEncoding

This specifies the character encoding used to decode the URI bytes, after %xx decoding the URL. If not specified, UTF-8 will be used unless the org.apache.catalina.STRICT_SERVLET_COMPLIANCEsystem property is set to true in which case ISO-8859-1 will be used.

useBodyEncodingForURI

This specifies if the encoding specified in contentType should be used for URI query parameters, instead of using the URIEncoding. This setting is present for compatibility with Tomcat 4.1.x, where the encoding specified in the contentType, or explicitly set using Request.setCharacterEncoding method was also used for the parameters from the URL. The default value is false.

Notes: See notes on this attribute in HTTP Connector documentation.

useIPVHosts

Set this attribute to true to cause Tomcat to use the IP address passed by the native web server to determine the Host to send the request to. The default value is false.

xpoweredBy

Set this attribute to true to cause Tomcat to advertise support for the Servlet specification using the header recommended in the specification. The default value is false.

Standard Implementations

To use AJP, you must specify the protocol attribute (see above).

The standard AJP connectors (NIO, NIO2 and APR/native) all support the following attributes in addition to the common Connector attributes listed above.

Attribute Description acceptCount

The maximum queue length for incoming connection requests when all possible request processing threads are in use. Any requests received when the queue is full will be refused. The default value is 100.

acceptorThreadCount

The number of threads to be used to accept connections. Increase this value on a multi CPU machine, although you would never really need more than 2. Also, with a lot of non keep alive connections, you might want to increase this value as well. Default value is 1.

acceptorThreadPriority

The priority of the acceptor threads. The threads used to accept new connections. The default value is 5 (the value of the java.lang.Thread.NORM_PRIORITY constant). See the JavaDoc for the java.lang.Thread class for more details on what this priority means.

address

For servers with more than one IP address, this attribute specifies which address will be used for listening on the specified port. By default, the connector will listen on the loopback address. Unless the JVM is configured otherwise using system properties, the Java based connectors (NIO, NIO2) will listen on both IPv4 and IPv6 addresses when configured with either 0.0.0.0 or ::. The APR/native connector will only listen on IPv4 addresses if configured with 0.0.0.0 and will listen on IPv6 addresses (and optionally IPv4 addresses depending on the setting of ipv6v6only) if configured with ::.

allowedRequestAttributesPattern

The AJP protocol passes some information from the reverse proxy to the AJP connector using request attributes. These attributes are:

javax.servlet.request.cipher_suite

javax.servlet.request.key_size

javax.servlet.request.ssl_session

javax.servlet.request.X509Certificate

AJP_LOCAL_ADDR

AJP_REMOTE_PORT

AJP_SSL_PROTOCOL

JK_LB_ACTIVATION

CERT_ISSUER (IIS only)

CERT_SUBJECT (IIS only)

CERT_COOKIE (IIS only)

HTTPS_SERVER_SUBJECT (IIS only)

CERT_FLAGS (IIS only)

HTTPS_SECRETKEYSIZE (IIS only)

CERT_SERIALNUMBER (IIS only)

HTTPS_SERVER_ISSUER (IIS only)

HTTPS_KEYSIZE (IIS only)

The AJP protocol supports the passing of arbitrary request attributes. Requests containing arbitrary request attributes will be rejected with a 403 response unless the entire attribute name matches this regular expression. If not specified, the default value is null.

bindOnInit

Controls when the socket used by the connector is bound. By default it is bound when the connector is initiated and unbound when the connector is destroyed. If set to false, the socket will be bound when the connector is started and unbound when it is stopped.

clientCertProvider

When client certificate information is presented in a form other than instances of java.security.cert.X509Certificate it needs to be converted before it can be used and this property controls which JSSE provider is used to perform the conversion. For example it is used with the AJP connectors, the HTTP APR connector and with the org.apache.catalina.valves.SSLValve.If not specified, the default provider will be used.

connectionLinger

The number of seconds during which the sockets used by this Connector will linger when they are closed. The default value is -1 which disables socket linger.

connectionTimeout

The number of milliseconds this Connector will wait, after accepting a connection, for the request URI line to be presented. The default value for AJP protocol connectors is -1 (i.e. infinite).

executor

A reference to the name in an Executor element. If this attribute is set, and the named executor exists, the connector will use the executor, and all the other thread attributes will be ignored. Note that if a shared executor is not specified for a connector then the connector will use a private, internal executor to provide the thread pool.

executorTerminationTimeoutMillis

The time that the private internal executor will wait for request processing threads to terminate before continuing with the process of stopping the connector. If not set, the default is 5000 (5 seconds).

keepAliveTimeout

The number of milliseconds this Connector will wait for another AJP request before closing the connection. The default value is to use the value that has been set for the connectionTimeout attribute.

maxConnections

The maximum number of connections that the server will accept and process at any given time. When this number has been reached, the server will accept, but not process, one further connection. This additional connection be blocked until the number of connections being processed falls below maxConnections at which point the server will start accepting and processing new connections again. Note that once the limit has been reached, the operating system may still accept connections based on the acceptCount setting. The default value varies by connector type. For NIO and NIO2 the default is 10000. For APR/native, the default is 8192.

For NIO/NIO2 only, setting the value to -1, will disable the maxConnections feature and connections will not be counted.

maxCookieCount

The maximum number of cookies that are permitted for a request. A value of less than zero means no limit. If not specified, a default value of 200 will be used.

maxThreads

The maximum number of request processing threads to be created by this Connector, which therefore determines the maximum number of simultaneous requests that can be handled. If not specified, this attribute is set to 200. If an executor is associated with this connector, this attribute is ignored as the connector will execute tasks using the executor rather than an internal thread pool. Note that if an executor is configured any value set for this attribute will be recorded correctly but it will be reported (e.g. via JMX) as -1 to make clear that it is not used.

minSpareThreads

The minimum number of threads always kept running. This includes both active and idle threads. If not specified, the default of 10 is used. If an executor is associated with this connector, this attribute is ignored as the connector will execute tasks using the executor rather than an internal thread pool. Note that if an executor is configured any value set for this attribute will be recorded correctly but it will be reported (e.g. via JMX) as -1 to make clear that it is not used.

packetSize

This attribute sets the maximum AJP packet size in Bytes. The maximum value is 65536. It should be the same as the max_packet_size directive configured for mod_jk. Normally it is not necessary to change the maximum packet size. Problems with the default value have been reported when sending certificates or certificate chains. The default value is 8192. If set to less than 8192 then the setting will ignored and the default value of 8192 used.

processorCache

The protocol handler caches Processor objects to speed up performance. This setting dictates how many of these objects get cached. -1 means unlimited, default is 200. If not using Servlet 3.0 asynchronous processing, a good default is to use the same as the maxThreads setting. If using Servlet 3.0 asynchronous processing, a good default is to use the larger of maxThreads and the maximum number of expected concurrent requests (synchronous and asynchronous).

secret

Only requests from workers with this secret keyword will be accepted. The default value is null. This attribute must be specified with a non-null, non-zero length value unless secretRequired is explicitly configured to be false. If this attribute is configured with a non-null, non-zero length value then the workers must provide a matching value else the request will be rejected irrespective of the setting of secretRequired.

secretRequired

If this attribute is true, the AJP Connector will only start if the secret attribute is configured with a non-null, non-zero length value. This attribute only controls whether the secret attribute is required to be specified for the AJP Connector to start. It does not control whether workers are required to provide the secret. The default value is true. This attribute should only be set to false when the Connector is used on a trusted network.

tcpNoDelay

If set to true, the TCP_NO_DELAY option will be set on the server socket, which improves performance under most circumstances. This is set to true by default.

threadPriority

The priority of the request processing threads within the JVM. The default value is 5 (the value of the java.lang.Thread.NORM_PRIORITY constant). See the JavaDoc for the java.lang.Thread class for more details on what this priority means.If an executor is associated with this connector, this attribute is ignored as the connector will execute tasks using the executor rather than an internal thread pool. Note that if an executor is configured any value set for this attribute will be recorded correctly but it will be reported (e.g. via JMX) as -1 to make clear that it is not used.

tomcatAuthentication

If set to true, the authentication will be done in Tomcat. Otherwise, the authenticated principal will be propagated from the native webserver and used for authorization in Tomcat.

The web server must send the user principal (username) as a request attribute named REMOTE_USER.

Note that this principal will have no roles associated with it.

The default value is true. If tomcatAuthorization is set to true this attribute has no effect.

tomcatAuthorization

If set to true, the authenticated principal will be propagated from the native webserver and considered already authenticated in Tomcat. If the web application has one or more security constraints, authorization will then be performed by Tomcat and roles assigned to the authenticated principal. If the appropriate Tomcat Realm for the request does not recognise the provided user name, a Principal will be still be created but it will have no roles. The default value is false.

Java TCP socket attributes

The NIO and NIO2 implementation support the following Java TCP socket attributes in addition to the common Connector and HTTP attributes listed above.

Attribute Description socket.rxBufSize

(int)The socket receive buffer (SO_RCVBUF) size in bytes. JVM default used if not set.

socket.txBufSize

(int)The socket send buffer (SO_SNDBUF) size in bytes. JVM default used if not set. Care should be taken if explicitly setting this value. Very poor performance has been observed on some JVMs with values less than ~8k.

socket.tcpNoDelay

(bool)This is equivalent to standard attribute tcpNoDelay.

socket.soKeepAlive

(bool)Boolean value for the socket's keep alive setting (SO_KEEPALIVE). JVM default used if not set.

socket.ooBInline

(bool)Boolean value for the socket OOBINLINE setting. JVM default used if not set.

socket.soReuseAddress

(bool)Boolean value for the sockets reuse address option (SO_REUSEADDR). JVM default used if not set.

socket.soLingerOn

(bool)Boolean value for the sockets so linger option (SO_LINGER). A value for the standard attribute connectionLinger that is >=0 is equivalent to setting this to true. A value for the standard attribute connectionLinger that is <0 is equivalent to setting this to false. Both this attribute and soLingerTime must be set else the JVM defaults will be used for both.

socket.soLingerTime

(int)Value in seconds for the sockets so linger option (SO_LINGER). This is equivalent to standard attribute connectionLinger. Both this attribute and soLingerOn must be set else the JVM defaults will be used for both.

socket.soTimeout

This is equivalent to standard attribute connectionTimeout.

socket.performanceConnectionTime

(int)The first value for the performance settings. See Socket Performance Options All three performance attributes must be set else the JVM defaults will be used for all three.

socket.performanceLatency

(int)The second value for the performance settings. See Socket Performance Options All three performance attributes must be set else the JVM defaults will be used for all three.

socket.performanceBandwidth

(int)The third value for the performance settings. See Socket Performance Options All three performance attributes must be set else the JVM defaults will be used for all three.

socket.unlockTimeout

(int) The timeout for a socket unlock. When a connector is stopped, it will try to release the acceptor thread by opening a connector to itself. The default value is 250 and the value is in milliseconds

NIO specific configuration

The following attributes are specific to the NIO connector.

Attribute Description socket.directBuffer

(bool)Boolean value, whether to use direct ByteBuffers or java mapped ByteBuffers. Default is false. When you are using direct buffers, make sure you allocate the appropriate amount of memory for the direct memory space. On Sun's JDK that would be something like -XX:MaxDirectMemorySize=256m.

socket.appReadBufSize

(int)Each connection that is opened up in Tomcat get associated with a read ByteBuffer. This attribute controls the size of this buffer. By default this read buffer is sized at 8192 bytes. For lower concurrency, you can increase this to buffer more data. For an extreme amount of keep alive connections, decrease this number or increase your heap size.

socket.appWriteBufSize

(int)Each connection that is opened up in Tomcat get associated with a write ByteBuffer. This attribute controls the size of this buffer. By default this write buffer is sized at 8192 bytes. For low concurrency you can increase this to buffer more response data. For an extreme amount of keep alive connections, decrease this number or increase your heap size. The default value here is pretty low, you should up it if you are not dealing with tens of thousands concurrent connections.

socket.bufferPool

(int)The NIO connector uses a class called NioChannel that holds elements linked to a socket. To reduce garbage collection, the NIO connector caches these channel objects. This value specifies the size of this cache. The default value is 500, and represents that the cache will hold 500 NioChannel objects. Other values are -1 for unlimited cache and 0 for no cache.

socket.bufferPoolSize

(int)The NioChannel pool can also be size based, not used object based. The size is calculated as follows: NioChannel buffer size = read buffer size + write buffer size SecureNioChannel buffer size = application read buffer size + application write buffer size + network read buffer size + network write buffer size The value is in bytes, the default value is 1024*1024*100 (100MB).

socket.processorCache

(int)Tomcat will cache SocketProcessor objects to reduce garbage collection. The integer value specifies how many objects to keep in the cache at most. The default is 500. Other values are -1 for unlimited cache and 0 Body outline drawing. for no cache.

socket.keyCache

(int)Tomcat will cache KeyAttachment objects to reduce garbage collection. The integer value specifies how many objects to keep in the cache at most. The default is 500. Other values are -1 for unlimited cache and 0 for no cache.

socket.eventCache

(int)Tomcat will cache PollerEvent objects to reduce garbage collection. The integer value specifies how many objects to keep in the cache at most. The default is 500. Other values are -1 for unlimited cache and 0 for no cache.

selectorPool.maxSelectors

(int)The max selectors to be used in the pool, to reduce selector contention. Use this option when the command line org.apache.tomcat.util.net.NioSelectorShared value is set to false. Default value is 200.

selectorPool.maxSpareSelectors

(int)The max spare selectors to be used in the pool, to reduce selector contention. When a selector is returned to the pool, the system can decide to keep it or let it be GC'd. Use this option when the command line org.apache.tomcat.util.net.NioSelectorShared value is set to false. Default value is -1 (unlimited).

command-line-options

The following command line options are available for the NIO connector: -Dorg.apache.tomcat.util.net.NioSelectorShared=true|false - default is true. Set this value to false if you wish to use a selector for each thread. When you set it to false, you can control the size of the pool of selectors by using the selectorPool.maxSelectors attribute.

NIO2 specific configuration

The following attributes are specific to the NIO2 connector.

Attribute Description useCaches

(bool)Use this attribute to enable or disable object caching to reduce the amount of GC objects produced. The default value is false.

socket.directBuffer

(bool)Boolean value, whether to use direct ByteBuffers or java mapped ByteBuffers. Default is false. When you are using direct buffers, make sure you allocate the appropriate amount of memory for the direct memory space. On Sun's JDK that would be something like -XX:MaxDirectMemorySize=256m.

socket.appReadBufSize

(int)Each connection that is opened up in Tomcat get associated with a read ByteBuffer. This attribute controls the size of this buffer. By default this read buffer is sized at 8192 bytes. For lower concurrency, you can increase this to buffer more data. For an extreme amount of keep alive connections, decrease this number or increase your heap size.

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socket.appWriteBufSize

(int)Each connection that is opened up in Tomcat get associated with a write ByteBuffer. This attribute controls the size of this buffer. By default this write buffer is sized at 8192 bytes. For low concurrency you can increase this to buffer more response data. For an extreme amount of keep alive connections, decrease this number or increase your heap size. The default value here is pretty low, you should up it if you are not dealing with tens of thousands concurrent connections.

socket.bufferPoolSize

(int)The NIO2 connector uses a class called Nio2Channel that holds elements linked to a socket. To reduce garbage collection, the NIO connector caches these channel objects. This value specifies the size of this cache. The default value is 500, and represents that the cache will hold 500 Nio2Channel objects. Other values are -1 for unlimited cache and 0 for no cache.

socket.processorCache

(int)Tomcat will cache SocketProcessor objects to reduce garbage collection. The integer value specifies how many objects to keep in the cache at most. The default is 500. Other values are -1 for unlimited cache and 0 for no cache.

APR/native specific configuration

The APR/native implementation supports the following attributes in addition to the common Connector and AJP attributes listed above.

Attribute Description ipv6v6only

If listening on an IPv6 address on a dual stack system, should the connector only listen on the IPv6 address? If not specified the default is false and the connector will listen on the IPv6 address and the equivalent IPv4 address if present.

pollTime

Duration of a poll call in microseconds. Lowering this value will slightly decrease latency of connections being kept alive in some cases , but will use more CPU as more poll calls are being made. The default value is 2000 (2ms).

Nested Components

Special Features

Proxy Support

The proxyName and proxyPort attributes can be used when Tomcat is run behind a proxy server. These attributes modify the values returned to web applications that call the request.getServerName() and request.getServerPort() methods, which are often used to construct absolute URLs for redirects. Without configuring these attributes, the values returned would reflect the server name and port on which the connection from the proxy server was received, rather than the server name and port to whom the client directed the original request.

For more information, see the Proxy Support How-To.

Connector Comparison

Apache Tomcat Http Status 403

Below is a small chart that shows how the connectors differ.

Apache Tomcat 9 403 Access Denied

Java Nio Connector NIOJava Nio2 Connector NIO2APR/native Connector APRClassnameAjpNioProtocolAjpNio2ProtocolAjpAprProtocolTomcat Version7.x onwards8.x onwards5.5.x onwardsSupport PollingYESYESYESPolling SizemaxConnectionsmaxConnectionsmaxConnectionsRead Request HeadersBlockingBlockingBlockingRead Request BodyBlockingBlockingBlockingWrite Response Headers and BodyBlockingBlockingBlockingWait for next RequestNon BlockingNon BlockingNon BlockingMax ConnectionsmaxConnectionsmaxConnectionsmaxConnections

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