#My siblings are engineers they'll be fine.

[wanderingandfound]

Death tendency talk below the cut. (I'm fine, I promise.)

I don't think my depression in general is getting worse, but.... mental health is not doing well. I'm just not used to the death tendencies without the wallowing in self-pity. For weeks I keep thinking of how I would divide up my money in a will. I am not terminally ill and have no desire to die I don't know why I keep thinking about this. In high school I would like.... write a playlist in my notes of music to play at my funeral, but I wanted to be dead a lot more frequently then.

The like, magical coma/Sleeping Beauty in the park "bedtime story" has been making a lot more appearances lately when I'm trying to put myself to sleep without my phone. I mean, it's a step up from the "maybe I won't wake up" bedtime story, but that one was usually only employed when I was really stressed out with school and dreading the morning and like, wasn't just dealing with insomnia but was additionally too anxious to sleep and needed the 0.01% chance that the morning wouldn't come to pass to relax enough.

Part of it is the poor sleep. Part of it is social media (as my Twitter app has stopped working I've seemed to have replaced it with Facebook and holy shit is that even worse). Part of it is my living situation, although that's been unchanged my entire life. Part of it is the entire world, which is also not new but one of the current genocides is (rightfully) receiving a lot of attention and it's a US election year which is (wrongly) receiving a lot of attention.

I think a big part of it is pain. Dear fuck am I so tired of being in pain.

To be clear I don't wanna die and I certainly don't want to kill myself. But I keep catching myself thinking about being dead more frequently than I have since I considered myself depressed (2008~2019) and a little wistfully.

[hermitcraft-8]

Deiforms, Chapter Two: Bullrush (Part Two)

masterpost

To be completely honest, Sean was kind of hoping he'd wake up in a hospital, with his mother holding his hand and weeping, a vase of flowers beside his bed. He'd flutter his eyelashes open, press a hand to his head and say "how long was I out?" just like in all the movies.

Instead, he opened his eyes to the back of Madi's car.

It was on, a low hum buzzing through his body from the engine, Terrible Lie by Nine Inch Nails quietly playing through the radio, which seemed like a strange choice for setting. He was leaned up against the window, the cool glass bliss against the left side of his face, which was throbbing. He lifted his gaze, finding himself to be sitting in the exact place they'd parked earlier, across the street from the Capsum house, and Madi, Dean and Lillian were standing around the hood of the car, arguing passionately about something.

No, that's not true. Madi was arguing, throwing around her hands, spitting and snarling, while Lillian rolled her eyes and Dean held up his hands in surrender.

Sean opened the car door and stepped out.

The argument stopped, but no one moved to help him, everyone just standing there, watching him.

"Your sister's coming to pick you up," Madi said, dryly. "You've got a cut on your face, but it's not bad enough that it'll need stitches, so they just put some bandages over it."

"You feeling alright, man?" Dean asked, gently.

"Yeah, I-" Sean frowned. "What happened?"

"Ash swung a knife at you," Madi said. "And then you fainted."

Sean had the feeling she was not happy about this. In fact, she seemed a little disgusted, or embarrassed. Like she usually was.

"It's okay," Lillian said. "It was scary."

"I thought he got your eye," Dean piped up. "I was so sure you'd go blind."

"No, I, uh-" Sean blinked. "I see just fine."

"Good."

Madi scoffed, running a hand through her hair.

"Where'd Ash go?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out. The second your head hit the deck, he, like, sprinted for the back door. The cops are still questioning Miki and his other friends," Dean said. "I don't know what they'll charge him with, but I heard them mention suspected arson."

"Of course he did it," Madi scoffed. "Who calls themselves Ash if they're not going to be an arsonist."

"But-" Sean shook his head. "Why would he set his best friend's house on fire? And how'd he get out? Lori said he was in the bathroom, and they couldn't open the door."

"He climbed out the window, obviously."

"The basement bathroom doesn't have windows."

Madi huffed, rolling her eyes. "I don't fucking know, Sean, it doesn't matter."

"It does-"

A car pulled up next to them. It was old, beat up, but it was clean. A pipe cleaner man hung from a little noose on the rear view mirror. And then it just sat there.

“Your ride is here,” Madi pointed out, dryly. “Goodbye.”

“Madi-”

“Goodbye.”

Genny and Sean were the kind of siblings who no one ever asked if they were siblings. They had the same nose, the same lips, the same freckles. They both wore clothes that didn’t fit- although while Sean wore mostly tees that were too small, all of Genny’s clothes were fashionably baggy. Genny didn’t have as many piercings as Sean- just a septum and her ear lobes, and her hair was down to her shoulders, but even then, she still looked so much like him that it was hard to refute their relationship as siblings.

She watched him get into the car, reaching over to pry at the bandaid on his cheek. He slapped her hand away and grunted.

“So… what happened?” She asked, putting the car into drive. She had a very particular way of driving where she got as close to the wheel as possible and peered upwards before moving the car. Sean never got it, but he never asked, either. It was just one of those things.

“They say Ash set the fire, and then he attacked me with a knife.”

“Wait, Ash did that to you?” She said, surprised. “Isn’t he, like, your bro?”

“Yeah, he was, like, my bro,” Sean sulked. “But he also attacked me with a knife.”

“And set a fire.”

“And… well, actually…?”

“You don’t think he did it?” Genny inquired. “Why not?”

“It’s Ash, man,” Sean shrugged. “I just… it doesn’t seem like him to risk everyone’s lives.”

“Maybe he just snapped?”

“Maybe,” Sean stared out the window. “I don’t know. Hey, can I tell you something weird?”

“What have you ever told me that wasn’t weird?”

“Genny.”

She exhaled through her nose. “Yeah, alright, what’s up?”

“When Ash attacked me, for a moment, I saw… I don’t know, myself? And he said some weird, cryptic shit, and then I woke up.”

“Did you hit your head?”

“I don’t think so.”

“The cut isn’t anywhere near big enough for it to have been a near death experience… maybe your consciousness is trying to tell you something?” She sounded shockingly serious. “Or a guardian angel? Or…”

They sat in silence for a bit before Sean registered that she was done talking and glanced at her. She was leaning back, her head tilted to the side as she stared at the road ahead.

“Or what?” He asked.

“No, it’s just, like…” She hissed out a breath. “I had a weird dream a couple nights ago where I talked to myself, and I thought it was, like, a holy premonition when I woke up, which is, like, weird, because-”

“We’re not religious.”

“Right.”

Sean sighed, letting his forehead rest against the window again. It was the wrong side, and did nothing for his burning face.

“This sucks.”

Genny hummed.

The Capsums lived sort of out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods, and the road to get back to town was winding and complicated, so Sean elected to let Genny focus while they made their way down the mountain, and just stare out the window.

“Did you hear that?” She asked abruptly.

“Hear what?”

“I just-” She shook her head, hard, like a wet dog. “Hold on, hold on-”

“Gen?”

“...It’s gone,” She said, frowning. “I don’t know what… whatever.”

“What was it?”

“I don’t… know how to describe it… I think it was just the AC or something.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

They didn’t speak for the rest of the drive.

By the time they got home, it was early afternoon, and Sean’s stomach was starting to twist with hunger. He didn’t even make it to the kitchen before his mother swooped down, though, clucking and cooing and fretting over his eye while he tried hard to pull his head away.

“It’s fine, mom, I can see alright.”

“Oh, they should have given you stitches, oh-”

“Mom, it’s fine.”

He finally escaped to his room, hungry and defeated, feeling like today had been officially a god awful day. It was just starting to get late, the sun just licking at the horizon, and he gritted his teeth. He had school the next morning, of course, because that was just his luck.

He sunk into his bed with a groan, closing his eyes tight, trying to relax.

It worked for a bit, and he started to slip under, started to doze off, but his stomach felt tight and sharp, and his face was still killing him. He did his best to ignore it but it only worked for a few more minutes before he found himself pushing his body upright, slinging his legs over the side of the bed and groaning.

His body felt weirdly sore, as if he'd been laying there for ages longer than he had, but his room was still painted with dusk, so it couldn't have been that late.

He stood, running a hand through his hair and limping to the bathroom, shuffling through the medicine cabinet for painkillers. He finally found the bottle, pulling it out and shutting the cabinet. For a moment, he struggled with the lid.

And then something moved in the mirror.

His head snapped up, and it took a few seconds to understand what he was looking at.

His hair was long- past his shoulders, and brown. His bandages were gone, his cut leaking blood. His clothes were different, leaving him standing in a tank top and jeans. And strangest of all, his face was completely still, eyes peering at him calmly even as he wrinkled his own face in confusion.

It was all wrong.

“What the fuck,” He whispered, looking down. The reflection followed suit. Sure enough, long hair and a tank top splattered with blood. “What the fuck?”

“I told you,” His voice said, issuing from his mouth, just as it always did. “I wasn't a fan of the buzzcut.”

He jolted backwards, his head whipping around. “What the fuck, where are you?”

“You're the one talking to yourself,” He responded, amused. “But, if you really need something to gawk at-”

The reflection leaned forward. “-I can do that too.”

Sean slammed the door open, sprinting out, stumbling to the kitchen. His mom was gone, probably in bed already, but being in the large, well lit room was better than the cramped bathroom. For a second, he heaved breaths, looking around desperately. Nothing moved, nothing changed. His hair felt strange on his shoulders.

“I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish with that,” His reflection in the window said. “There's a lot of shiny things in here.”

“Go away,” Sean begged it. “I don't know what you want, but I-”

“It's not what I want,” It said. “It's what I have to do.”

Sean's stomach plummeted. “What do you mean?”

“I have to make you a god.”

[active-mind-15]

10, 17, 30 & 42 for writer's ask game, please? :)

Heyyyy! Thanks for the asks!

10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?

I do not. For my WIPs, I used to try and finish chapters up a week or two after my last update, but now that I'm older and have a lot more things going on in my life right now (consequences of becoming an adult), I don't set deadlines at all. Sometimes I update in a few weeks, but these days it's more like months. But I'm trying not to let so much time pass anymore since I'm getting back into writing. If I feel the need to set deadlines later, maybe I will. For now, no.

17.  What writing habits or rituals do you have?

I always have to put on some music to write. It helps block out the world around me and keeps me immersed in my thoughts. The type of music I listen to varies, but most of the time it's Lofi instrumentals or video game soundtracks. If I find a song that keeps me particularly focused, I will then loop that song until I finish what I'm doing. That's why my Spotify Wrapped will have some weird results in some years. They'll think I'm a big fan of a specific artist when in reality that one song of theirs I looped for five hours is the only thing I've heard from them.

30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet

Since I'm heavily involved with both the KNB and BTS fandoms, I'll give ideas for each!

For KNB, I have two fave ideas. The first one is a sequel to Accidental Siblings that would function more as a slice-of-life one-shot collection, but I have to finish the story first before we move on to that, so the idea is motivating me to finish, lol. The second fave idea is something I think will also be a one-shot collection but based on the headcanons I have of KNB characters playing Sky: Children of the Light. I want it to be Akashi-centric and follow the shenanigans the Teiko gang + Kagami would get up to while having gaming sessions on Sky. The whole concept of the series would be how the game acts as a vehicle for them to get closer and strengthen their friendship in different ways. I even have a name for it; I wanna call it Sky Therapy. I'm already assuming the fic idea is super niche so I'm not expecting much response to it when I finally do get along to starting it. I'm mainly just writing and posting it just for the sake of it and because I want to.

Now, for the BTS one, my fave idea I haven't started on is based on BTS member Jin's song, The Astronaut. Along with that song, Jin created a mascot named Wootteo. This is what Wootteo looks like, for reference.

Wootteo is meant to be an alien, sent to keep us company while Jin is away (The Astronaut was released right before Jin enlisted for mandatory military service). With that being said, I wanted to put a spin on it and create a sci-fi AU set in the very distant future where Jin is a robotics engineer who built Wootteo and gave it to the other six BTS members to keep them company while he was away on an important space expedition. The fic would be told from the perspective of the other six and how they're dealing with both Wootteo's presence and Jin's absence. I do have a deadline for this one, though, because I wanted to drop it on June 5th, which is 7 days before Jin is discharged from the military. I thought the timing would be perfect.

42.  How do you feel about love triangles?

I don't feel this or that about them because I don't read much romance where triangles are involved, but I think they're fine if they're done correctly. Adding love triangles just for the sake of it is tacky. Give me a good reason why the triangle exists in the first place. Give each part of the triangle proper tension and complexity.

Also, some stories claim that something is a love triangle when in reality it's just Person B and C liking Person A or Person B liking Person A and Person A liking Person C. In both scenarios, the triangle is incomplete. Give me REAL pining and unrequited love. Person B has to like Person A while Person A likes Person C and Person C likes Person B. That's where the good shit happens.

Anyway, thanks again for the asks. If anyone else wants to send me some, have a look through and pick some numbers!

[dvsconocvdo]

BASICS

FULL NAME: Harumi Matsui ALIAS: Haru BIRTHDAY: November 9, 1991 AGE: 32 GENDER & PRONOUNS: Butch/Nonbinary, they/he/she (any is fine) HOMETOWN: San Francisco, California SPECIES: Human (good ol' human). OCCUPATION: Computer Engineer at K-Labs. NEIGHBORHOOD: Sunny Harbor (currently living in the Emerald Hotel) SEXUALITY: lesbian

PERSONALITY

POSITIVE: relaxed, down-to-earth, patient, analytical NEGATIVE: inexpressive, self-centered, apathetic, distant MORAL ALIGNMENT: true neutral DESCRIPTION: TBA

SUMMARY

Ken's Younger Sibling (regardless of what Pace says, Haru is the youngest one. Suck my left toe)

Grew up in San Diego with their two older brothers (Sibling WC in LunarCoveHQ please give us an eldest brother thank you)

Left California when they were 17 after leaving their childhood home and running away with their aunt.

Incredibly repressed person. Like truly, doesn't get enough physical affection or even words of affirmation. Truly desperately desires love and closeness and intimacy, but refuses to let anyone in.

Kind of sporty. Loves basketball, playing and watching games. Huge, and I mean HUGE Lakers fan. Enjoys running, and working out also. (Lowkey kind of buff)

Big puzzle nerd. Just loves staying indoors with their three cats, making puzzles, and fighting the cats as they hide pieces under the furniture.

That being said, adopted three (3) cats. Two were a bonded pair, and the youngest one was a "failed" foster who Haru got too attached to. One cat is a Russian Blue named Hoshi, the other bonded cat is a brown and black tabby named Yoshi, and the youngest is a black cat named Mochi (ty pace and pip for names).

Lived in Delaware for like 10+ years, and studied computer engineering. Lived with their aunt until like four years ago (2020). Then moved to Massachusetts and that's when things got real bad for them.

addiction tw // Their aunt is their parent figure. Matsui Sayuri means the absolute world to Haru. They talk often, and Sayuri was actually the first person to have an intervention with Haru when they were struggling with substance abuse. Haru is sober now. For them that looks like not drinking alcohol and not doing hard drugs, they do smoke cigarettes, but are wary about how many per day. They still struggle with their addiction, and will probably be joining a group in town to like have more support. (On a lighter note, their cats love playing with their little chips for being sober).

Struggles with their identity pretty hard, no gender identity or anything like that. They're pretty confident about that, but rather they just feel like they don't know themself, or that what they do know is not good and they don't appreciate it. Haru just feels like a shell of a person most of the time, so they try to find things that feel good for a little bit to cope. Just a mess, the one thing they do know is how much they enjoy working on cars hence their dream of owning an auto shop or becoming a mechanic. Has a TON of cars and a few bikes. Most of their cars are in storage in Massachusetts, but they brought a bike and a car with them to LC.

Knows how to do card tricks, but will not show off to just anyone, so very few people know this. But it's very likely to catch them fidgeting with cards. (Funny tid bit, in honor of growing up in a house of cards, they have a tattoo of three court jesters in reference to their brothers and them and a king and queen in reference to their parents).

Extremely carefree and self centered. Doesn't care about a lot of things, truly an unbothered icon. They will find out about the supernatural for the first time when talking to Ken (after uh years of not seeing him) and they'll be unbothered by it. Truly shrugging things off to cope. They'll panic in private and no one will know about it, thank you very much. You could fool them pretty easy about supernatural stuff, but they aren't asking, they will simmer in ignorance until they join the Coalition (which will be soon).

Has a vast knife collection, and always carried at least two. Doesn't really care about the laws on knives. To be honest, they don't care about a lot of laws. They are mere suggestions, nothing more. (which makes Ken being their older brother quite funny lol)

I don't know? I'll add more as I develop them and I remember things, for now this seems good.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Neighbors! Currently Haru is staying at the Emerald Hotel, so come one come all.

Are you having car problems? Haru can help. They won't be super nice or chatty about it, but they'll help mostly because working on cars is fun for them, not because they want to help lol

Please call Haru "Ken's sibling" and watch as their face morphs into utter disgust. For years, their parents compared Haru and their brothers, pitting them against one another, so the mere idea of just their whole being just being "Ken's sibling" is fully triggering.

I would say childhood friends except the Matsui's didn't really have friends? Just the Morrell's and that... crashed and burned. So like, people who Haru knew when they were in California. Their parents were well-off, so they got around.

In that same lane, people Haru has met through their travels? Haru is probably my character who has traveled the most. They have gone to a ton of states, probably went to Toronto, CA at least once, has traveled western Europe extensively, has also been to Japan on multiple occasions.

Flings that have crashed and burned? Haru is probably the last person you'd want to date because they are considerate enough as a partner, but completely lack emotional intelligence, so things just... fall apart so easily. Or flings that will crash and burn. Or flings in general. (Daphne for flings in general)

Coworkers at K-Labs! (Altan and Dhruv)

Don’t get along over a misunderstanding but both refuse to talk about it or acknowledge it.

Honestly, I think forced proximity plots will probably work best because Haru is not going out of their way to talk to people. They didn't come here to make friends.

[eliotheeangelis]

25, 28, 29, 30 for non sedanini verse nigelio bc I like the pain

oh god. you did this to yourself. ciao bella verse it is.

25. Who needs more assurance?

On the surface it's Nigel. He's never the type to be shy, when something is upsetting him. Everyone knows it, if he feels unwell, or there is a problem with the car, or if the food at the hotel breakfast isn't quite what he ordered (we stan a dramatic king lol). And then a quiet word from Elio, a brush of hands or lips against his cheek when he's flushed and furious will always calm him down. But there are times when Elio needs it too, in 1985, and 1986, when nothing's going right, at Lotus or Brabham, and Nigel catches him with his eyes distant and sad. And he'll tell him it's ok, don't worry, you'll be winning races in no time. I need you on the podium, don't I? Who else is gonna keep my teammate away from me? He keeps going, jokes and silly comments, until he gets a smile, and relief flickers inside of him.

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

Sometimes Nigel wonders if it's real, what they're doing, when he's back home between races. He can't believe it of himself, surely it's someone else living that life. It must have been someone else, who spent all that time in Elio's bed. Not him. He tries to be normal, whatever that means. Tries to play golf, and play the husband, and tries not think of a dawn with rumpled sheets, and a warm body, and how Elio kisses him when he's half asleep and Monaco is quiet outside their window.

Elio fills the time without worry. He'll see his family, take his siblings on trips out on the boat and listen to them squeal as he goes too fast over the water. Or he'll take a girl out, maybe, without sentiment; it doesn't mean anything, it's just something to pass the time until the next race. They're always the same, the girls; beautiful, and sinuous, glossy-haired. They wear the right clothes, know the right people, and he bores of them quickly. He wonders if it's because he yearns for something else, really; for awkwardness, for an unsophisticated accent, for a body that is strong and soft in equal measure. On one occasion, one of those girls (he forgets which) had pulled a shirt from his wardrobe, an ugly, silly, soft old thing, and she had laughed and said 'surely this isn't yours?'. And he'd shaken his head, and replied 'no, it isn't.'

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

Elio gave him a lift, to Paul Ricard, the morning of the test. Nigel stands in the car park, numb, later in the day, after the helicopter has gone, and looks at Elio's car, left where he parked it that morning. He thinks about telling someone that it needs moving; he should tell someone from Brabham, they'll know where Elio's keys are, and then he is furious at himself, because he's being ridiculous. Elio's going to come back and move it himself. He'll be fine.

And then, a few months later, when they're racing at Paul Ricard for real and the F1 world has already moved on, from what happened in May, he finds himself back in that car park. And the car has gone. Of course it's gone, someone must have sorted it months ago. But that's when it hits him, really. Some part of him expected it still to be there. He wins the race that weekend and feels nothing, on the podium. He's thinking of an empty space, in the car park.

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

Elio already knows who's won the race, before he crosses the line. He's in fifth, lapped, when there is an almighty cheer from the crowd, so loud that it drowns out the noise of his engine for a moment. It can only mean one thing. He pulls into parc ferme, and no-one is waiting for him; the Lotus team have already gone to congratulate Ayrton for his podium, but he can put his feelings about that aside for a moment. In the distance he can see a cheering group of Williams mechanics, lifting someone onto their shoulders. His back is turned, so he doesn't notice Elio watching him. Elio doubts he'd notice anything at the moment, anyway. His heart is singing for him. He makes up his mind about something. He'll get into trouble with the race officials, for not being weighed straight after finishing, but he doesn't care. There's something he needs to get. He dodges through the crowd, away from the podium. He'd like to stay and watch it, to see the expression on Nigel's face, but there's time for that later. There is a parcel in his bag, in the motorhome, that he's been saving for now. It's time it had a new owner.

[sweetestlamb]

Wake Me Up Inside(Chapter 2)

Summary: Hope is a flickering light, coming and going as it sees fit. 

Author's note: Y'all like this? Color me surprised I thought everyone had cast Sujin aside based on tumblr post honestly, expected maybe 3 people to read this. I'm happy so many are enjoying, thanks for coming along for the ride. If any talented individuals want to make me a header that would be great, anyway enjoy the teen angst. More awful parenting, beware. it hurts me to write this but random immediate romance doesn’t make sense to me so here we goooo. 

The world seems larger, everyone towers over her as they squeeze by jostling her tiny body, she twists and turns desperately searching for a familiar face and faltering when there is none. Just blurred faces with stretched out smiles that are horrifying grotesque, almost as if they were painted on by a deranged circus clown. She begins to run frantically racing away from the figures, who are now reaching out for her grabbing her arm and tugging at her pigtails. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out, bringing a trembling hand to her lips she finds them sewn shut, silencing her petrified screams.

Then a hand clutches at her elbow and she's spun around, suddenly staring into the face of evil.

"Where have you been you brat? Everyone was waiting for you."

She tries to tug free of his punishing grip but his fingers tighten on her tender flesh, marking the delicate skin. Ignoring her evident trepidation he forcefully pushes her towards a table, with a large looming birthday cake.

"Hurry up and blow out these candles, you're almost old enough to be useful to me."

Screaming no in her mind, she breaks free of his hold running as fast as her compact legs will take her but she miscalculates and trips over a stray toy, tumbling over the edge of a pool she hadn't noticed there earlier. The cold splash of the chlorine scented water on her skin shocks her in a panicked daze and when she pries her eyes open the menacing face of her father greets her looking nonplussed by her hectic drowning.

"Good riddance." He smirks sipping from his cup as he stalks away, no longer bothered with her. 

Water constructs her airway and she continues to sink to the bottom. Forgotten and discarded.

With a flash she bursts from her nightmare silent scream on her tongue, it's his presence that silences her cry. Wide feline eyes regard her from his crouched position, it takes a moment to realize that the rapid puffs of air filling the room are coming from her lips. She grips at the mattress beneath her, hopelessly pleading with her heart and lungs as her body quivers from the intensity of her dream.

"Are you okay? You looked like you were having a bad dream, I called your name a few times."

She's decidedly not any semblance of okay and has no concept of what that would entail for her but she finds herself nodding, lying as easily as she always does.

"I'm fine." Clipped and brisk despite the cold sweat on her skin, she's probably soaked through his shirt the collar almost plastered to red collar bones.

He doesn't reply further than pursing his lips and walking over to a dresser she'd hadn't noticed earlier.

"That lie would probably be more believable if you didn't look as if you were going to pass out at any second." She can hear his eyes rolling at her and it raises her heckles, she doesn't need anyone looking after her, she is fine on her own.

"I should go." She says curtly, forcing herself out of the dangerously warm bed to walk across the room and test her previously soaked pajamas. Damp, but they'll do.

"I thought you had nowhere to go." He challenges finally standing to his full height, subconsciously she flinches at the sudden movement and immediately he takes a step back pressing himself almost flush with the wall. Lowering his head until they are almost eye level. Shame washes over her do strongly she has to turn away, so pathetic.

Speaking to his bedpost she answers, "That was last night. I can go home now."

Her father will be at work until late into the evening, she just needs to lock herself in her room and she should be safe until school tomorrow.

He hums at her sounding closer than he did earlier, "You don't have to go. I'll find an excuse to give my mom, you can stay here."

No she can't. She knows what's going through his mind, probably the same thing that went through Suho's when he saw the blood on her lip for the first time, you poor little thing. Pity was always the first reaction but it never lasted, eventually pity shifted to annoyance nobody wanted to be friends with someone getting beaten. It was depressing, and uncomfortable to discuss and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. It was her penance for being born a girl and not being the best at least to make up for that disappointment.

"I'm not a stray puppy, you can't just pick me up off the street and expect me to stay. I told you, I'm fine." This time she says it harder, sharper with a bite that screams don't push me.

Unsurprisingly enough Han Seojun doesn't seem intimidated by her.

This time she gets to witness the eye roll as he approaches her but still keeps his head lowered as if deferring to her. "I already told you that I don't pity you, you need help stop pretending you don't."

But she's not pretending, that would imply that she wants others to help secretly. That just isn't accurate, she wants nothing- expects nothing. Her father pound any inkling of hope she had out a long time ago.

Stepping into his space, her eyes narrow as she bites out, "I don't need anything certainly not help from you. You're not a nice person, what am I your one good deed? Just mind your business."

She pointedly glances away at the flash of hurt that scatters across his expressive face.

She expects him to lash out, stretch to his full form and berate her, reprimand her ungrateful behavior and an even darker side of her almost expects him to slap her. I see why your father does that, you deserve it.

"Suit yourself."

That's all he says solemnly with a shrug before tossing more dry clothes at the bed and silently exiting the room.

She feels worse than she did before. Guilt gnawing at her, she ignores the offered clothes she doesn't deserve his hospitality or warmth. She disrobes and puts back on the damp chilled pajamas, that matches her better.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That's what he gets for trying to help someone, his act of kindness thrown back in his face. Angrily he pours the boiling water into the waiting cup, starting his mother's mandatory morning tea. He's so lost in the routine that he doesn't notice her presence until she clears her throat. His pride stops him from turning around, her words were as painful as a dagger.

"Your clothes are on the bed. I called a cab."

He nods without looking back, "Get home saf--" He cuts himself off, maybe he's overstepping again. So he just hums and stirs the now perfect cup of tea with a splash of milk. His sister's will get three sugars, she has such a sweet tooth.

The soft snap of the front door closing is loud in the silence of the morning, the sun has barely risen. His mother will be out in an hour, he was worried for nothing. Nobody will even know she was here. He can pretend this was all a fever dream and listen to her advice, he's never minded anyone else's business why did he decide to start now?

Lesson learned.

He spends the remainder of his weekend not thinking about the bruises on her face and instead plays video games, bullying Suho into playing Call of Duty with him online until the stupid genius starts to win too often and it's no longer stress reducing.

"Sore loser." He scoffs at the staticky insult through his headphones, draining the can of soda he took from the fridge. He should start dinner soon, his mom and sister will be back from shopping any minute.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did." He can't help but roll his eyes at the lame response but he pushes on ignoring his brain shouting at him that this is the opposite of minding his business. He hardly listens to his brain, his gut is much stronger.

"Does Sujin have any siblings? Or does she like to box or anything like that? " He tries to make sense of the night, maybe it wasn't what he thought initially. From his memory Sujin comes from a very affluent respectable family, there's no way right?

"What? What kind of question is that?"

"Just answer me." He quips impatiently, ready to let go of this unwarranted worry that's been weighing on his heart.

After a long pause where he checks if his Wi-Fi disconnected he finally hears a response, "No. She lives with her mother and father, she's an only child. And I’ve never known her to do anything physical like that."

His chest tightens, not what he wanted to hear. Her flinch this morning flashes brightly in his memory. He wasn't mistaken. He's sure of it, she'd been scared. 

"Why?"

He can barely hear through the ringing in his ear, "Nothing. I have to go."

He signs off before the other boy can reply, walking autopilot to the kitchen to get started on dinner. Chopping vegetables does nothing to stop the nausea bubbling in his stomach.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Taking the bus the next day is out of the question, he has spent the entire weekend wishing he had the nerve to get the girl's number but anyone he asked would misunderstand why and he didn't need anymore rumors circulating, he would just have to get it from her himself. If she wanted him to mind his business she shouldn't have collapsed where he could see.

The engine rumbles between his legs as he brings his motorcycle to a stop, swinging off effortlessly before tugging the helmet off and shaking his hair free. He doesn't notice the various lecherous female and male eyes watching his very moment, too focused on walking into the school and finding her.

Turning a corner he sees her instantly, sandwiched between her two best friends, they look like a high school brochure giggling as they walk down the hallway garnering the attention of most of the male population. The purple bruise on her cheek is missing, nothing but smooth blemish free skin. He almost does a double take. As all three of them pass him, he locks eyes with Sujin for a moment, the mask slides off for a second but the moment he blinks the façade snaps back into place, nothing left but a pretty empty smile.

He follows them into class, sliding into his seat and promptly going to sleep. He has to catch her alone.

Doing so proves to be a near impossible feat, she's always surrounded by her two bestie shadows and Chorong and the gang are never far from him either. He sighs forlornly even time he sees her only for someone to interrupt before he can approach her. All too frustrated.

He's sitting dejected on the staircase when he hears the bustle of students in the hallway, their voices carrying down the long space and he rolls his eyes imagining what ridiculous situation they've deemed as drama now. Last time it was Ju-Kyung having pimples, a topic that was completely groundbreaking and worthy of weeks of discussion. So it's with the smallest shred of curiosity that he stands up wandering over to the commotion.

"What's going on?" He directs to the closest person, some mousy looking girl who stutters out an indecipherable answer. He looks at her confused before stalking away to find someone who has a better grasp of communication. He poses the question again, to a boy this time.

"I heard one of the girls started freaking out in the bathroom. Screaming not to be touched."

He stands frozen before the words register in his brain and his feet are moving without his brain's permission. Shoving past gossiping bystanders, he easily gets to the front only to see Ju-Kyung covering someone with her sweater as they walk down the hallway. Immediately the crowd comes alive and they surge forward like a wave all calling questions out at once, "What's wrong with you?", "Why did you freak out?", "Who do you think you are? Are you too rich to be touched or something?"

He twists his head around ferociously at the last question, everyone in front of him gulps while taking a step back. The hallway is a cacophony of voices and shouts and he can feel his anger boiling, slamming his fist into the nearest surface-a wall- he gets everyone's attention.

"Go back to your classes. Now."

Some of the male students look as if they are going to challenge his authority but another step forward is all it takes to get the student body scampering to their classrooms.

Inhaling deeply he stomps off to find the source of his unease.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It had been hard to disregard, how lacking of warmth her house was. Seojun's apartment had been brimming with warmth and love, the fridge bursting with papers and drawings documenting that someone cared enough to show them off. Her home was a large empty prison in comparison.

But she'd been right, it was dark and quiet proof that her parents were not home. With her heart in her throat she ran to her room, locking the door behind her. Sleep captured her before she knew she was in its grasps, waking up groggy hours later and forgetting where she was. Fierce pounds on her door reminded her instantly.

"Open this door now."

His voice is a low growl, even more terrifying than when he's screaming his lungs out. She grabs her vanity chair pressing it under the door knob for more protection.

She jumps when the door bulges, the loud crashing making it clear that he's slamming bodily into the door now determined to get to her.

"Please....stop." She pleads, tears already cascading down her bruised cheeks.

"Open this fucking door!!"

She's sobbing now, body folded as she cries her eyes out shaking viciously as her father continues to ran into the door, dread filling her stomach as he's never fought this hard before.

Then everything is quiet.

The pounding is gone as suddenly as it arrived. She doesn't let go her panic just yet, still too raw. Butt seconds crawl to minutes and she hears nothing so she finally exhales, sliding to the floor in relief.

She weakly crawls to her bathroom, turning the dial to the hottest temperature possible wanting to burn off his brand on her skin. After her shower she brushes her wet hair, staring at the bruise, it's turning yellow now with tinges of purple. Good thing she let Su-ah and Ju-Kyung convince her to buy foundation the last time they were in the beauty store. She will have to layer it on tomorrow.

She's starving but the thought of leaving her room with him in the house is enough to eliminate her appetite. Instead she puts on a warm sweater and sweat pants and wraps herself in a thick blanket, still too cold ice running through her veins.

She had never felt as warm as she did at his house.

A quiet knock thankfully pulls her away from such unnecessary thoughts. She simply listens.

"Su-jin, it's mom. I brought you food."

She sits up, crawling out of bed to stand in front of the bed. Her mother has never brought her food, even when she was nine and hadn't gotten a perfect score on her spelling test and her father locked her in the closet for two days with only a dictionary. She'd contemplated eating the pages before she was finally set free. Her mother had simply looked away, avoiding eye contact until she was safely back in her room.

But her stomach grumbles at the mention of sustenance and despite her best judgement she opens the door.

It's a mistake.

Immediately she notes that her mother has nothing in her hands, trembling herself and before she can slam the door shut a foot blocks her escape.

He uses the belt that time whipping her in places that others will never see, her back, thighs, and shoulders. Her mother's weakly calls out, "Don't hit her face she has to meet that boy you wanted this week."

It goes on for what seems like hours, he leaves her crumpled on the ground her body stinging as she refused to cry, blinking her tears away not wanting to give him what he wants. When her mother meekly walks over and extends a hand to her, she looks at her with listless eyes. Her mother has a fresh bruise on her cheek, her father hardly hits her anymore using Sujin has his punching bag instead but at times of high frustration he would regress.

She wonders if her mother knew that one day this would be her faith. If this was the purpose of her birth.

She doesn't take the hand. It seems there was still some hope left, it is extinguished now.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The school day had been easy she's been hiding her abuse for years, no teacher had ever suspected a thing and she didn't even blame them. It would just be bothersome, her father was a powerful man there wouldn't be much they could do.

She slaps on a smile, allowing herself to be dragged around by Su-ah and Ju-Kyung, listening as they giggle about their boyfriends chiming in the appropriate moments to not seem disinterested or jealous. She is jealous though, of their freedom and innocent problems, she'd lost her innocence a long time ago.

She knows Seojun is trying to talk to her but she can't handle seeing him right now, having to face someone who knows what she's going through sounds worst than being beat right now. So she jolts at every sight of the tall lanky figure, thankful for his fan club who seems to announce his every arrival. She's on her way to having a successful day when everything goes to hell.

She's in the bathroom drying her hands when a classmate comes in, responding to the small talk she answers the girl's question before nodding her head in goodbye.

"Oh your tag is sticking out."

That's all she hears before a hand is brushing across her sore beaten neck and her reaction is instantaneous, she turns around catching the offending hand and twisting it.

Her throat wheezes out, "Don't touch me."

The girl stares at her wide-eyed before tugging her hand away, then other girls begin to come of the stalls to see what's happening and before she knows it she's hyperventilating on the ground, nonsensical words dripping off her tongue. Everything is too loud and her head is splitting in half just when her vision is graying out, she smells a familiar perfume.

"Su-jin ah, you're going to be okay. Just breathe with me, follow me."

Ju-Kyung's voice is calming and sure, not touching her but covering them both in her sweater as she models how to breathe, she follows until her lungs are no longer burning.

"Good. You're doing so good, is it okay if I touch you? I'm going to help you up."

She grabs at the bathroom wall yanking herself until she's upright, trying to show her friend that she's not that weak but a look of hurt is displayed on her face and Sujin doesn't comprehend why.

The other girl shakes it off though, now covering her fully with her cornflower yellow sweater.

She's suddenly reminded of her nightmare this morning as she has to pass all the students in the hallway, all pointing and laughing as she falls apart some of them even have their phone out recording her and she sways uneasily before catching herself, trembling the whole way she walks down the hallway until a loud bang and a voice she recognizes all too well silences the uproar.

Resisting the desire to look back she allows Ju-Kyung to pull her up the stairs until they're on the roof. Air pumps into her lungs as she's finally free of all the judgmental eyes.

She expects the other girl to start interrogating her the moment the door closes but it never comes, instead Ju-Kyung places her sweater around her trembling body.

"You're okay. Just keep breathing."

She does her best to follow the uncomplicated directions.

After a few minutes, Ju-Kyung's phone suddenly rings disturbing the quietude. She barely hears blood rushing in her ears like the waves at the beach.

"Okay we're on the roof."

She stills at that utterance, turning in alarm.

"Who was that? Who did you tell where we are?"

Ju-Kyung looks guilty, as if she wasn't meant to hear that conversation. She doesn't want to see anyone right now, can barely stand to be with herself.

"Call them back and tell them not to come. I want to be alone."

Ju-Kyung holds her phone in her hands gingerly staring at the screen, clearly contemplating what is the right decision. She almost lunges for the phone to see who is the most recent call, but it's not needed as the roof door slams open.

"Why are you here?" She shouts, walking away now furious that tears are already filling her eyes now just at the sight of him.

"Nice to see you too princess." He drawls back, following her further onto to roof.

"Will you two be okay? I have to go back to class."

She spins to glare at her friend, why would she leave her alone with Seojun? They have had any interaction at school that hasn't been antagonistic.

"Yes, we need to talk." He answers for them and that's enough to make Ju-Kyung nod before walking off with a smile in her direction. The door shuts loudly behind her retreating back, Sujin wants to chase after her. Instead she turns back to him spitting fire and poison. 

"I told you to mind your business."

"Are you okay?" He counters, eying her like a wild animal who can bolt at any minute, he isn’t wrong.

"That's none of your business!"

His expression remains the same, those beguiling feline eyes that scream at her.

"How hurt are you?"

Her emotions come crashing down again. He just keeps pushing and picking at her, no matter how much she shouts and shoves him away he just won’t go away like everyone else did. What is wrong with him? Couldn’t he see that she was more trouble than she was worth?

"What do you want to hear, huh? That everything hurts, that he used a belt this time! Do you want to hear about how he beat me until I bleed! Why do you care what happens me, why won't you leave me the fuck alone!"

Sobs ravage her body, she keeps brushing the fiery tears away fighting with her emotions but they won't stop and her palms are wet from covering her face, her breath is hitching until she starts hiccupping uncontrollably and she starts to feel light-headed.

"Hey! Su-jin! Breathe!"

But she can't, she doesn't remember how. Her body only knows how to hurt.

"Breathe, damnit!" Despite his shout, she hears the slight quiver in his voice but she can't discern why it's there but it desperately makes her want to obey.

When he cups her head, staring her head on she feels the vine wrapped around her lungs shrivel up and air starts gushing in until she feels dizzy, she sways back and forth gravity now also working against her and then she's being reeled in, her head placed on his chest. The thumping of his heart lulls her into a meditative state, she starts to count the beats and before she knows it the cobwebs in her head subside. Embarrassed by their sudden closeness, his arms are still by his side now almost immediately retracting from her head but she can feel his warmth radiating onto the skin of her thighs, she begins to draw back.

"Just stay. It's helping."

She blisters at his words, preparing to push him away.

"It's helping me, seeing you like that....it scared me. I helped you the other night, you should return the favor."

She puffs up before deflating, she'll never admit it but this is helping having something else to focus on, his scent, his heartbeat, the way his chest expands and constricts with every breath. The buzz of their skin nearly touching, his deep voice rumbling through his chest and into her ears, all placating and soothing her worries away. 

"Fine."

She's never known Seojun to stay still for this long after years of attending the same school, always bursting with kinetic energy so she's pleasantly surprised by how long he simply stands and lets her rest on his chest, neither of them saying a word.

She stiffens when he suddenly starts moving disturbing their stillness, she sees his hands balled into tight fists by his side and wonders what's going through his mind.

"You can't go back there."

This again, she starts to remind him that she has nowhere to g--

"Stay with me."

[zosonils]

😱🤝🐱👗🤷‍♀️🐺🧸📚 for hex ace, if that’s ok

hooooo this is gonna be a long one babey!! [that's a good thing i love hex ace and talking about them :)]

😱 [any fears?] - honestly hex doesn't scare too easily. between all the Weird Shit that naturally happens in space and how much they close themselves off emotionally, she's pretty unaffected by the kind of stuff most people would be afraid of. their fears are more on the abstract, existential dready side - stuff like abandonment or isolation rather than anything concrete - and he deflects them with anger hard

🤝 [approach to intimacy?] - they're VERY resistant to intimacy, and even on the rare occasion where she doesn't instinctively reject it they'll try to worm their way out of the situation. responding to sincere compliments with less committed ones or trying to casually deflect them, pushing away hugs that go on for more than a few seconds, immediately following up any indication that they care about the other person with something lightheartedly mean to balance it out, that kind of thing. he might need intimacy but they sure as hell want to convince herself that they don't!!

🐱 [pets or thoughts on animals?] - spending as much time as they do in space, hex doesn't have much experience with animals at all. he probably runs into the support units at the lab sometimes, but they only very rarely get to meet actual biological animals. she's utterly fascinated by them due to that unfamiliarity, but he doesn't have much emotional attachment to them

👗 [fashion sense?] - since most of their body isn't solid, their options for clothes and accessories are realistically bracelets and nothing else, so he doesn't bother thinking about it. in theory though they'd probably like loose floaty clothes if that makes any sense, as well as some goth/emo fashion staples like platform boots and dark colours and gratuitous accessories [disclaimer: i do not know my fashion subcultures at all. this could be a blatant misdiagnosis]

🤷‍♀️ [approach to strangers compared to friends?] - hex isn't the friendliest to new people, under the self-perpetuating idea that since she doesn't have much success forming relationships there's no point trying in the first place. they usually waste no time getting into the snarky remarks or harmless-but-annoying practical jokes, unless they've been explicitly told why it's a bad idea with a certain person. while they don't have many people they consider friends [it's pretty much just time and oil + any other siblings from the powered up line, and eventually glass man when the events of wily scheme number whatever lead them to meet each other], he makes considerably more of an effort to not be mean to them, although there's still so much affectionate ribbing and trolling in the equation that it can be hard to tell the difference bkjngjkb

🐺 [thoughts on being alone?] - HOOOOO boy is this pandora's can of worms. most of hex's issues stem from being chronically lonely, and while they defensively pretend that everything is fine and actually they WANT to be by themselves so suck on THAT, they really hate being alone as often as they are. whether she's physically far away from people or not doesn't make much of a difference, since their problem at its core is that they feel emotionally isolated and struggle to connect with people. it's a complicated issue that runs pretty deep and isn't as easily solved as just having them interact with humans or other robot masters more often

🧸 [any sentimental keepsakes?] - probably not; he isn't the sentimental type. i can see them maybe hanging onto broken bits of the satellites they repair, but it's more of an oh hey this looks sorta cool type of thing than any kind of emotional attachment

📚 [taste in books?] - most of hex's reading list consists of very long and dense and obtuse manuals on engine parts that never saw commercial use, so they're a little put off by reading in general. if she ever took it upon herself to give fiction a try [i can see glass man introducing them to books that aren't work related] i think they'd LOVE horror literature, as well as having fun with more tongue in cheek stuff like the hitchiker's guide to the galaxy

[noxxy-boxxy]

Hetaween, day 5. Anything you like.

And my favorite trope has always been nyos and mains as siblings, so.

Nyos and mains as siblings, but headcanons and humanverse, and in college. Nice.

Tw: small mention of an abusive parent, does not go into details. Mentions of medications against anxiety.

----

Amelia and Alfred have been together since day one. Being twins has it's perks. They probably share everything but food, obviously. They are both good at sports, Alfred is on the baseball team, Amelia is a cheerleader, they probably have many followers in Instagram too. They are like the stereotypical american, but with a little spin. Alfred usually is competing against the president of the newspaper, the deal? Who is better on electronics. They could (and probably they already did it) create a robot from scratch to compete. Since the same person taught both of them, they are head to head. Amelia, on the other hand, looks petite, but hell she's strong. She rises in the air the whole cheerleaders team while smiling. Also, they are probably disaster bisexuals.

Alice and Arthur are something different. They live with Alfred and Amelia, and they are almost in the last year of college. So, they are older. They enjoy tea together, enjoy reading together, and they probably have some weird deals with pagan magic. Or that's what Alfred says. Alice is a good looking woman, but no one can cope with her attitude. Same with his brother. They have a weird club with some other students, and no one really wants to know what's going on there. Also. Eyebrows. They have eyebrows for days. And they usually tend to act like they are older than they look, even though they are not the oldest pair. That's another one.

Francis and Francine are the cookers. No one rejects their invitation to eat. Period. They are also the flirts, and they probably have slept with, at least, three quarters of the people in the college. Being almost leaving the college too has left them a lot of things, they look like those kind of people who only want sex and chocolate from another person, but they are very good advisers. They always know what to say, and people with lovesickness usually search them for advice. Also, they had something with a woman once, that didn't ended well. Everyone knows about this, but they look so sad when asked, so it's just a rumor.

Ivan and Anya are the creepy ones. They always know someone's dirty secrets, so, no one really wants to mess with them. Many times, guys asked Anya for a date, because, even though she's scary, she's beautiful. Ivan always says that if they can pass the first date, they are strong enough to maintain and support her, and he'll not approve anyone without that ability. And, he doesn't approve anyone in the school. Take that into consideration. About him, too, he looks really weird, but he always defends every woman in school when she's with a bastard. He knows them all, and he knows some of them don't have manners. Everyone says that he can either teleport or something like that, because he's always on the spot when a woman is in danger. Some bold ones have asked him to help them with the ex boyfriend who's not willing to accept the no. He always takes care and makes sure they're not coming back. Also, it's kind of a rumor, something shady, but some people say that their father was aggressive towards their mother and him. And apparently there is something weird under his scarf. Shady stuff, you know. Also. Ivan probably knows about the electronics teacher.

Yao and Ling-Ling are the oldest ones in the group. They are not in the school anymore, they work in their own restaurant, and everyone can be seen there having a good time. They usually say they are too old to deal with their friends. At the end, though, they'll usually laugh and help them. Yao is the only one who knows Alfred's old electronics teacher too, and oh my God he laughs so much because, Alfred remembers him as the devil in the earth and all that stuff, and he really is when he's tasked with someone else's education (Alfred would have nightmares if he knew who is his brother), but he's such a dumbass too, you just have to learn to deal with his humor, and learn about boundaries when talking, if you don't want the skeleton out of the closet. Also, people says Ling-Ling has the secret to go in a good date with Anya. No one really knows the truth, tho.

Now, the other group.

First, Feliciano and Felicia, the Italians. People are really jealous of their pasta recipe. They still have a remaining year until they graduate, because they slept in math, and they didn't do the exam. Feliciano is the most beautiful baby, everyone says. He's such a good man, every girl's desire, but apparently he's already dating someone. No one knows who, tho. Felicia is Amelia's best friend, and they usually give people a stroke, because Amelia is strong and can carry her with one hand, but she's the reckless one who wants to be carried. No one understands if it's luck or magic, but she always nails the trick.

Kiku and Sakura were students in the exchange group, and they ended staying after all. Because of that, they still have something from their home. They had to go back to their country once, then they graduated, and came back to be counselors. Guess what, they know the electronics teacher too, but they were there before everything... That was- whoops, running out of time, we'll have to leave that to the next time. So. Sakura is the cheerleaders trainer along with being counselor, so, she is always with Felicia and Amelia, and she always brings sweets to their trainings. Those are the best sweets ever.

Ludwig and Monika, they are not even halfway through, they are really, really young, and they are either loved or hated. No middle point. Mostly because they are almost perfect. Ludwig is a gentleman, who has perfect scores, and it's fucking body goals, and even though he doesn't deal that much with Ivan, when you need help with the ex, they can really scare him. Really. They deal is, his father was in the military, he attended military school too some time (Something weird happened at that moment?...), so, he didn't had time at that moment for feelings, and the dumbass can build a robot to face Alfred's own, but doesn't understand a woman. What a twist. Monika is the same, but she understands her gender a little more. Also. Don't say anything, but apparently she has something with Feliciano. But you didn't heard that one from me.

+Bonus, the electronics teacher.

Gilbert, Ludwig's older brother. A soldier, almost. Now, an engineer. He taught Alfred, Ludwig, and other many, and also, he raised Ludwig all alone. Don't let him stay in the sun, he will be a tomato in a second, and he'll whine and cry and he'll be a pain in the ass, in general. He looks like he has everything in control, but don't be fooled, if you take away his structures, he will break down like glass. And you'll be shocked because he looks like he had the best life, the best childhood, he is quite wealthy too, but no one knows it, so you would expect him to be happy, but anxiety pills and anti depressants can make miracles. His father was a soldier, with a high rank, his mother was a lawyer, and Jul... She wanted to be one too.

He doesn't like Ivan, but they can agree on the same thing, they have a lot in their background, but Ivan's father was aggressive, his father, and his mother, and his sister, were victims.

People says they found, once, an old newspaper talking about an accident, and the newspaper said something about someone whose last name was quite difficult?...

Now, try to light fireworks at Ludwig's side without him noticing. You would expect him to be perfectly fine, but he's the counselor's best friend for a reason, they spent a lot of time together. Apparently, anxiety pills are hereditary.

-----

[shenanigunr]

I need social connections

Oh man I thought I could survive alone but I think we all thought that at some point, and with reason as we had, for a time, been all lonely and completely fine really but then as life got harder and faster, we had to get better and stronger. We had to be together in order to function better. This is not something I felt but I saw a meme with Bateman from American Psycho and he's like signalling his eyes as to coming to realisation or something and becoming more calm as the meme progresses, and the caption was,"All your hatred and negative thoughts leaving your mind as she hugs you and you realise that you needed a human touch all this time, something to remind you that you're human too." Damn, I never felt that way. That's true I have never felt a meaningful touch in my life, and for some reason I feel the need that to reassure myself that I shouldn't be the one complaining about it because there are like billions of people who haven't felt a meaningful touch in their life. That's actually a very incorrect reassurance and a completely flawed explanation but I gotta hold onto something.

Will I feel human touch for the next 4 years? No. I am going to be completely honest so I can at least realize the now. I won't be feeling any meaningful touch for the next 4 years, not from my parents, not from my siblings, not from my friends, not from my girlfriends(if any), because the next 4 years are going to be busy. I will be researching and learning stuff, practicing engineering and science vigorously until I master it and engineer something so magnificent that a single patent will earn me financial independence, all in 4 years. Now that THAT's out of the way, I can reassure myself that if I don't feel a meaningful touch in my life, its not because I am undeserving of it, but also because of my reluctance. I must focus on my work for now. If I intend to create a legacy, I'll need money to buy my freedom first. Nobody said its going to be simple, or easy for that matter but its something I have to do.

Of course I need some human companionship till then, how will I find it? Well... girlfriends and friends and family, they'll provide it. As for meaningful touch, I have accepted that my time will come, it just isn't coming anytime in the next 4 years. '26 or later maybe I'll feel some meaningful touch to wake up to on a Sunday late morning.

But hey I am not complaining because that gets me nowhere, and well I am kind of tired of my own problems so I might just ignore them, also some medical issues have come up. I am not as invincible as I thought myself to be.

I am listening to luxury academy right now. I'll go to sleep now. Tomorrow I'll finish Logarithms and Inequalities. Then I'll pick up ANY practice sheet I find and solve it all; practice sheets, packages, booklets, you name it. I'll also revise Permutations and Combinations and since it is a first time practice, I'll take it easy, but I'll definitely be steady in it because if it becomes easy, that'll be no fun. That'll open doors to my probability training, and with that I think that my Algebra part will be officially over. Quadritic Equations and Complex Numbers will not take long, neither in practice nor in revision for they are well versed chapters. Sequence and Series is a ball buster but it is a chapter to do and it will be done. I'll think about geometry after Algebra. General Organic Chemistry is done so I'll quickly do the lectures and notes and finish the exercises and move on. I'll time it too so as to get my speed out early on. That would be fun! I am looking forward to Isomerism and GOC practice. Ah physics, its all done except the last few chapters; the Light related chapters and Nuclear chapters, Magnetism and Advanced and electricity, that's all that is left. Gaseous State is over and soon it will be under the rug once I finish the practice. Periodic Table I have almost mastered, jsut need a little bit more learning and then onto practice we go, meanwhile we'll do Chemical Bonding Lectures. Once Periodic Table is mastered, ALL chemistry chapters become at least 40% easy; it is just that much important chapter. Now with all that out of the way, I'll go to sleep now. Alright? Good night.

[ellesjournals]

The Calm Before the Storm

The 10th day of January marked the last day of the break just before the start of the second semester. Following the not-so-good first semester of my freshman year, the second semester meant two things to me. First, it meant a new beginning, a chance to make up for my mistakes and for the times I failed myself, and an opportunity to apply what first sem has taught me. Second, it was a challenge, really. I won't deny that it's a lump pushing its way out of my throat, a hollow feeling in my stomach. It's scary, coming off from a really horrible month (or should I say sem) since I felt the need to bounce back and that I can't fail again.

In an attempt to calm myself down, I decided to fight my urge to stay in the comfort of my bed in my dormitory room. I strolled around the campus, ignoring the fact that though I like walking and observing lifeforms, I hate how every now and then, I have to face the perennial challenge of confidently crossing streets on my own. I brought a piece of yema with me, jokingly thinking that if I'd miraculously bump into someone I know, I'd give it to him. (Yes, I said "him".) I wore a white jacket, held my phone in one of its pockets and played some music through my earphones, and finally headed to the Acad Oval. I saw the trees exhibiting crown shyness, the empty benches, and the ice cream cart. I tried to slowly breathe and take in everything because I knew that after that day, I'd be experiencing a major change. College has its own state of nonpermanency: I have to take new classes, which meant new schedule, new professors, new readings and new set of faces to know. Even though I didn't like the first sem that much, I knew it won't be easy to grow out of something I'm used to. No more blockmates. No more routines my body has memorized. No more one and a half-hour or three-hour breaks in between, the ones that took me some time to figure out how to spend wisely. No more late Tuesday and Thursday classes. Somehow, I knew I had to re-learn many things again. That sunk in all at once: I knew it won't be the same anymore. I took in everything with that in mind, knowing that the next day, the campus won't be as calm again. The next day, should I choose to walk around the oval again, I knew I'd be seeing a lot more people and a lot more cars. It would feel more alive and though I love seeing signs of life, it would also mean there would be a lot of energy to absorb and sometimes it exhausts me. I like solitude.

I decided to write one last piece because I knew that when the sem starts, I won't have much free time anymore and besides, I knew I didn't really have a productive break for I had other things to do. It was also like my gift for myself since I know the feeling of accomplishment I get whenever I finish a piece, no matter how badly-written it is. So while going around the oval, I was trying to form a narrative, was jotting random concepts here and there until the storyline became somehow clear to me. My heart was heavy and I guess that translated to my writing because before I knew it, I already had something that is somehow sad. After I had keyed in all ideas, I wanted to settle down so I walked to the Sunken Garden, sat on the grass and started properly working on the piece. I came up with like a short scene in which the girl was narrating how she felt as she and the guy said their goodbyes, not knowing when they'll see each other again, unsure if the guy would even think about her ever in the future. I like capturing mood rather than exploring what happened (and I hope it was what my writings project).

It took me some time to finish it, but I was somehow satisfied that I actually got to finish it, that I didn't have to let it sit for like five days before I reopen it in a time when I'm not in the momentum to write about it anymore. I stood and went to the other side of the Sunken Garden, and read my draft again, just wanting to see it with fresh eyes, and correcting minor errors that I found. I sat on one of the benches, browsed through my gallery, edited a photo I could attach to it when I'll post it, and decided to walk back to the dorm. I was feeling fine. Not the happy-and-energetic okay but just the okay okay, the I'm-not-gonna-cry okay. After all, I was feeling satisfied. And this is when one of my favorite moments happened.

I crossed the street, paying much attention to the car that was about to pass, running a little. When I successfully came to the other side, I was surprised to see a person, a friend who I really, really love. A surprise it is — he was the one I was thinking about giving the yema to. However, I ate the yema at the oval since I knew it was more impossible than possible to see him around that afternoon. So, back to the surprise — I saw him and for a moment, I thought my mind was messing with me. I thought I was thinking too much and my mind was tricking me into thinking he's there when he isn't. But it's real, he was really standing in front of me. He said that the figure of me using my phone looked familiar.

I was already thankful for that, he's so close to my heart and was one of the people who kept me sane during the very difficult first sem days. Seeing him, being in his presence, getting to experience knowing I have such a friend — that was enough for me. That already lifted my heavy feeling and I may have uttered a prayer of thanks. God must have known I needed that.

While we were walking, he asked me to sit down for a while and we settled in one of the benches in front of the College of Engineering building. We talked about a lot of things. He's a very academic man and is a little more mature than I am. The things we talked about ranged from me taking up chess class — a class he has taken during the previous semester (with him giving me a crash course even if I audibly said "ayoko sayo" when he asked me to play with him) — to the names of my siblings to the posture of people who are jogging. He was the one who took the lead, asking questions that he may seem to have pre-planned in his mind. After all, in our friendship, he's the more organized one. He was very patient, too. We reminisced some moments from our own highschool lives. Of course, we also talked about the upcoming sem and how we felt about it. We may or may not have joked about a few things in between our "serious" discussion. I felt less alone. I learned a lot from him, like I always do; I also learned a lot about him.

As a person who prefers to capture the mood more than the plot, I can't really tell all the topics we touched on, but I know I can tell how I felt. It was a rare feeling but I only know a few people who had made me feel like that. It felt as if I am in a dream. The world looked dreamy, hazy and bright; I felt like it was easy to forget I am sitting in a bench because everything felt light, as if I am floating. It was one of the few days when I am aware that I am smiling. It felt good, it felt comfortable, it felt right. Though we talked in a place which is basically just on the side of the road and vehicles and people were passing by every once in a while, it felt as if they are less important, that they are just part of the milieu. I felt very in the moment, which is odd since an unhealthy habit I have is the fact that I either think too much about the past or the future.

When it was already getting dark, we decided to walk back to our respective dorms (his was kind of adjacent to mine). It felt like the first semester, the nights when we were walking from our philosophy class, the times when we would have little conversation about our lives (though it was just mostly me ranting and telling him how tired I am). He's a very kind man. I knew I wanted to hug him that much because if you'd ever meet such a beautiful person, I swear that would be your first instinct.

When it was the time to say goodbye, I hugged him a little longer than usual because I knew it would be long before I'd get to do that again and also because I really, really do love him. I felt strong and I felt a little more ready for the second semester.

It was so satisfying to have hugged him like that. When we parted, I knew I miss him already, but it was the satisfied kind of missing him, not the I-wish-I-did-this-I-wish-I-told-him-that kind.

It was a fairly beautiful day. It was definitely the calm before the storm. I may or may not have thought about it before I went to bed that night; I still think about it now. | elle