#My multitudes are part of a whole. And I’m glad there are general terms for this

[harpysongs]

oohhhhh okay, polymorphkin or shapeshifterkin is definitely the vibe. I’ve seen a few descriptions of both so I’m not sure which is more accurate but I am glad to know there’s general terms for this.

[woozapooza]

Miscellaneous post-s5 Sopranos thoughts

This is just a selection of the stuff I wrote in my journal this season.

Adriana La Cerva suffered more than Jesus.

One of my favorite things to think about in any TV show is character parallels, and The Sopranos is fantastic on that front, yet for all the time I’ve spent thinking about which Sopranos characters parallel each other, somehow it took five whole seasons for me to notice what now seems like one of the most obvious pairs: Silvio and Melfi! They’re both Tony’s confidants and his two main advisers. Melfi is kind of his emotional consigliere, and Silvio is his…business therapist? What I’m trying to say is that they complement each other in their roles in Tony’s life, and that was (finally) extremely clear in “All Due Respect.” Despite looking at Tony from such different perspectives, they give him essentially the same advice about the Tony B. situation. They both conclude that Tony S. is using noble rhetoric of love and loyalty to mask what’s really motivating him. For Silvio, that motivation is “pride” and “a problem with authority,” and for Melfi, it’s “guilt and shame” (I suspect they’re both right to some degree, though I also think they’re both being unfair by implying that noble motives and selfish ones are mutually exclusive—come on, guys, he contains multitudes!) but they agree that to make the right decision, Tony needs to be honest with himself.

Another interesting parallel: in “Long Term Parking,” Christopher essentially does to Adriana the same thing he’s mad at Tony for doing to him. He “gave [Tony S.] pieces of [his] soul,” yet Tony S. favors the loose cannon Tony B. over him. Well, Adriana gave Christopher pretty much her entire soul, yet Christopher chooses the ungrateful Tony S. over her. The difference, of course, is that Tony S.’s choice (pre-“All Due Respect”) only costs Christopher his position, while Chris’s choice costs Adriana her life. And Adriana died knowing that Christopher had chosen Tony over her, his ride-or-die. With an emphasis on the “die,” I guess. At least Pussy had some comfort in his final moments. Adriana had none.

In “Sentimental Education,” Carmela’s relationship with Wegler failed because she tried to treat it as a transactional arrangement (well, and also because he was a pretentious misogynist). In “Long Term Parking,” it’s a transaction that brings Carmela and Tony back together. I’ve seen some people paint her relationship with Wegler as pure conniving on her part, but I don’t think that’s fair. It’s clearly how she’s used to relationships working.

In that same episode, I was SO proud of Carmela for starting to wake up to the absurdity of some of the things the Catholic church has taught her. 

I’m glad Carmela and Tony are back together if only because it was so painful to see how utterly alone she was during the separation. The suffocating feeling I got from watching her try to escape her awful husband’s clutches while also being vilified by her son was reminiscent of the feeling I got watching Breaking Bad, except worse, because Walter Jr. was never as vicious to Skyler as Anthony Jr. is to Carmela. 

I’m generally a Meadow apologist, but she had some unbearable moments this season, especially in “Unidentified Black Males.” The drama with Finn was frustrating (and to be fair, Finn could probably have handled it better, too, but Meadow was worse), but the worst part, IMO, was what she said to Carmela: “Haven't you thought beyond being dependent on a man?” Girl that is LITERALLY WHAT SHE’S TRYING TO DO NOW. Going back to the topic of Carmela’s isolation, it’s maddening that both her “progressive” daughter and her not-even-pretending-to-be-progressive husband essentially blame her for not being able to take care of herself, while also refusing to give her credit for trying to finally carve out an independent existence.

On that topic, this season continues the theme of what I call the obstacle of expectations: the fact that change is far harder when it seems that no one around you believes that you can change. (Which is not to say that this skepticism is always unearned.) Carmela tries to have a relationship with a normal guy, but concludes that “because [she] was married to a man like Tony, [her] motives will always be called into question.” Tony greatly impresses Melfi by not hooking up with Adriana (side note, it was really sweet how proud Melfi was of him), but he’s widely believed to have done so nonetheless, so he concludes, “I might as well have fucked her.” Then he says a sarcastic “thanks” to Melfi, the one person who consistently believes in his ability to change even after all he’s put her through, as if she’s the problem. Christopher literally says that “Tony don’t believe a person can change” and is therefore holding his past as an addict against him; in the following episode, when the Tonys are making jokes at his expense, Chris, in a moment of genuinely impressive maturity, says, “Sobriety's hard enough without having to get mocked for it.” All of Janice’s work in anger management is undone in a matter of seconds by her brother deliberately trying to undo it. Tony B. justifiably complains about the stigma of being an ex-con, although he’s a complicated case because he backslides into criminality at a moment when no one is being prejudiced towards him.

On that note, I never quite felt like I got Tony B. as a character. For example, I couldn’t really make sense of why he backslid so dramatically in “Sentimental Education.” I enjoyed him nonetheless, although a large part of that is surely due to the fact that it’s basically impossible not to enjoy Steve Buscemi. 

This post is getting enormous so I won’t go into detail about this, but the stories people tell—about themselves and about others, to themselves and to others—stood out as a huge theme this season. Excellent! Very Black Sails!

“The Test Dream” was so much fun. More shows should do episodes that let them bring back legions of dead characters.

Have I mentioned how much I love Melfi? No I haven’t because it’s beyond the capacity of human language to express. This season she was in 62% of the episodes (8/13). Next season she’s in 71% of the episodes (15/21), which is an improvement. I think she should be in a million percent of the episodes, but I’m also grateful that she’s ever been on my screen for even a single second.

[thevioletjones]

48. “You make me want things I can’t have.” 💜

Thanks for the inspiration! 💜

Prompt 3

Buffer

Ian Gallagher was starting to become a problem.

And the worst part about it was that he wasn’t even a problem that Mickey wanted to resolve. No. He just kept holding Ian closer and refusing to push him away like he should. He was just letting him ruin Mickey’s mediocre life. Because something about Ian was unshakeable. It wasn’t just that Ian kept coming back no matter what Mickey ever said or did, either. Ian was definitely persistent, but Mickey had formed an attachment too, even though he did everything in his power to hide it. It was still there, buried under layers of caustic remarks, aloof expressions, and occasional lashing out. He wasn’t proud of his behavior, but it was just who he was, and remaining unchanged in his ways was easier than the alternative.

Ian was definitely too good for him. Sure, he was hood trash too, but they were on two different levels. Ian was buffed up with a certain surface shine that Mickey lacked. Although, he would admit he’d come a long way in his style and hygiene game since his early days as an unwashed miscreant. Mickey was a gay man after all, and not immune to gaying certain things up, despite his tendency to flout homo conventions. If he wanted the ability to get a decent dick in his ass, there were standards that he’d learned to push himself to meet. This was the glossiest Mickey was ever gonna get, and it still came with a pinch of grime and hostility.

Maybe he’d developed enough sense to give a fuck, but he still didn’t give two shits either; a concept that walking contradictions the world over could likely comprehend.

The thing about Gallagher was that he was sweet. Not in an annoying, cloying, obvious way that was anathema to everything Mickey was about, but in a low-key, casual, incidental kind of way that somehow managed to be attractive, even to someone with Mickey’s abrasive nature. Ian played tough, and he genuinely was in many ways, but he had a gooey, marshmallow center that evened him out. Mickey didn’t see himself as having that sort of balance.

But there were these unsettling moments like this, usually in the middle of the night or early in the morning, when Mickey would catch himself watching Ian unawares. Unawares because he only ever did it when the redhead was deep in sleep. Suddenly, Mickey would be Mr. Contemplation, burning a hole into the face of the dude he was banging, daring to wonder what could happen between them if he wasn’t an emotionally stunted asshole. And then he’d reflect on what Ian’s life was like whenever he wasn’t around; the things Mickey acted like he didn’t care to know.

These circular thought patterns never led anywhere good, because at the end of the day, Ian wasn’t his. And Mickey could never be Ian’s. He’d long ago resigned himself to a certain destiny that involved long-term solitude until his dying day, which he’d always been fairly certain would come prematurely and most likely in violent fashion. It would be ridiculous to drag someone else into his vortex of apathy for life and the general traditions of living it. Especially someone like Ian, who was good; who helped people because he genuinely cared about, like, the well-being of humanity and shit. Despite the occasional soft look or revelatory comment that Ian would throw his way, he knew better than to think he’d want to be saddled with Mickey’s non-reciprocating ogre-y ass.

Usually when one of these intense, one-sided staring sessions would take place, Mickey would overcompensate for silently slipping by adding an extra dose of rudeness when he kicked Ian out after the fact. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure why Gallagher still bothered with him. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get laid elsewhere. Ian was the type that would never have trouble finding a willing ass. Yet somehow he kept coming back to Mickey and ignoring all the negatives thrown in his path. It didn’t make much sense on either of their parts… allowing each other in on any terms. Probably meant that Ian was just as fucked up as he was, really.

Blowing out the last hit off his smoke, Mickey glanced at the bedside clock and stubbed out the cigarette butt. 3:26 AM and he was wide awake, just gawking at his slumbering ginger fuck buddy, and trying to repress the multitude of emotions swirling within him. It was truly pathetic.

He could just get the hell up and drag his ass to the living room to play video games or watch late-night TV, but no. Apparently he liked suffering and feeling conflicted. What a pussy.

Not ten minutes went by before there was slow movement from the other side of the bed... Ian turning over in his sleep, reaching an arm out, and searching. Searching for the warmth of Mickey’s body, it would seem.

A big hand landed on his thigh, rubbing it softly as tired eyes blinked open, and a groggy voice sounded, “What’re’y’doin’?”

Oh, just fuckin’ lying here starin’ at your pasty ass for some reason. “Can’t sleep.”

“Didn’t wear you out?” Ian asked with a breathy titter, squeezing the sensitive flesh precariously close to Mickey’s groin.

Maybe it made his dick twitch a little.

“When did one round ever wear me out?”

“Pretty sure there were two rounds. Did you forget about the couch?”

“Random handies while watchin’ mediocre porn barely counts as a round, carrot-top.”

“A, it wasn’t that mediocre, and B, do you only consider it sex if penetration is involved?”

“I mean… it helps.”

“What about blowjobs, then? How would you classify them?”

“Sex act, but not sex, sex. Know what I mean?”

Ian laughed. “Not really. What about lesbians?”

“Definitely don’t wanna have my cock anywhere near those.”

“Har har. I mean, what would you call lesbian sex?”

“Gross? Boring? I don’t fuckin’ know. Never had it, don’t plan to.”

Ian laughed harder and it made Mickey feel good. “Pretty sure lesbians don’t want fuck all to do with you either, bottom boy.”

“Hey, likin’ what I like don’t make me a bitch.”

“No, but you seem pretty hostile toward anything but a real live human cock poking you in the asshole. I mean, naysaying getting your dick sucked? That’s a bold bossy bottom stance to take.”

“What can I say? I’m a simple man with simple kinks. Aren’t you glad I don’t need any freaky extra shit to get me off?”

“What kinda freaky extras are we talkin’?”

“Fuck off, Gallagher. Don’t act like you don’t just live for stickin’ that big red dick inside any tight manhole that’ll accommodate it. Does that make you a hungry top just begging for it?”

“I prefer ‘brutal top,’ since it’s so big, as you were so kind to mention.”

Mickey rolled his eyes into tomorrow. “Gotta remember to stop accidentally complimenting it. You get so fuckin’ uppity about it.”

Ian rolled over and boxed him in, nuzzling around his face and neck, while Mickey tried to bat him away.

“Come on,” prodded Ian. “Big hard cock seeks tight little hole for another round of deep penetration.”

Mickey could feel said big hard cock firming right up against his hip. “Ixnay on the cutesy man seeking man dirty talk, fuckhead. I will make you take that hulking boner elsewhere.”

“No you won’t,” Ian replied, humping down against him.

Of course he wouldn’t, but he had to front at least a little bit. That was the nature of his inner beast.

While they were fucking, Mickey could just let himself get lost in all the appropriate heightened sensations that really good sex immersed him in. Immersed him and Ian in. Ian and him. Them. Reveling in the pleasure of carnality was totally kosher… as long as it limited him from basking in that additional Ian stuff. That feelings stuff that he had no idea what to do with. That unfathomable connection that existed between them.

He let Ian kiss him a lot too. Like, a lot, a lot. That wasn’t customary for him with other dudes. In fact, it barely ever happened. It was just another habit Ian had slipped under the wire to form with him when he wasn’t paying enough attention. Mickey was pretty sure he’d kissed more girls in his life than boys, because that was always an easy, less disgusting way to publicly appear straight during the years he’d spent in the closet. With guys, there was nothing to prove and everything to hide, so it just wasn’t something he incorporated into his casual sex routine.

Before Ian, he hadn’t exactly attracted the kind of dudes that warranted sticking around for in any capacity, or who made any kind of effort to stick with him. There were never any near-miss boyfriends, or pine-worthy hookups. Sex was always transactional and he’d been perfectly fine with that arrangement.

The truth was that once he’d fucked up and invited Ian in for repeats over and over again, he started to figure out that the sex just kept getting hotter and hotter. That when two bodies really took the time to get to know each other, things fit better, motions got smoother, and orgasms got a thousand times stronger. Turned out that one-night-stands were not where the fuck it was at. Those were always crapshoots with odds that were at best 25/75 in favor of mediocrity. With Ian, it was guaranteed total fulfillment 100% of the time.

That was the only explanation he could find for this unexpected addiction he was stuck with. An addiction to Ian and his stupidly perfect cock. The rest of his body was alright too. And when he spoke, he wasn’t completely fucking annoying. His personality and his nature were tolerable. Mickey didn’t want to gouge his eyes out every time he got sucked into a conversation.

They didn’t really hang out, though. Outside of the bedroom, that is. It was like the whole game changed when they were in bed. They could fuck, they could goof around and have a laugh, they could wrestle, they could accidentally say something profound once in a while… but if Ian had a bag of food when he dropped by, Mickey wasn’t about to sit on the couch and watch TV with him while he ate it, and he definitely wasn’t going to accept a portion for himself.

Until tonight, that is. Or last night, or however the fuck time was identified when you were a natural night owl.

Tonight, they’d crossed another invisible line in the sand, and Mickey had found himself chowing down on tacos, while heckling some shitty 90s action film; his part-time lover chuckling next to him with a sloppy mouth.

It was fucking terrifying.

So as soon as he’d realized what was actually happening, and how much he didn’t hate it, Mickey had switched over to some hardcore porn. They’d cracked jokes about it at first, but it’d done the trick of quickly leading to the familiar comfort of sexual gratification. With that justification, Mickey could just sweep the whole ‘watching a movie and eating together like they were on a date’ thing under the proverbial rug without further examination.

At least until Ian had fallen asleep around 2 AM. Then it was dwell city.

By 4:30 AM, Ian had fucked him into the mattress once again, and promptly fallen back asleep without a care in the world. Mickey was more than sated, but felt even more awake than he had an hour ago, his brain full of fresh bullshit about the man next to him and what was happening between them.

He opened his bedside drawer and pulled out his stash, knowing the high would fog up his brain enough to go off on thought tangents, and eventually shut down for at least five hours. Within ten minutes, he felt a little better, or at least more distracted. He was still very aware of Ian’s looming presence in the darkness, though. He wanted to be comforted by it, but he just couldn’t relax.

There’d always been a buffer between them, which Mickey had been diligent in maintaining, and he could see it slowly falling away now. If he didn’t step up and push back, pretty soon there’d be no barrier left standing. Who the fuck knew what could happen then.

He hated it. He felt so fucking out of control, when it should be the easiest thing in the world to control. All he had to do was break it off. He knew exactly what to say and do to make that happen. Knew enough to be able to really hit Ian where it hurt, both literally and figuratively.

But goddamn it, he didn’t want to.

He didn’t want to make Ian sad, and he didn’t want to give into his own desire to try for more. He would always fuck it up, because he was a fuck-up by nature. His goddamn knuckles spelled it all out in block letters.

He wanted Ian, but he didn’t want the responsibility. Didn’t trust himself, because no one had ever trusted him before in his entire life. What kind of dumbass wanted that kind of damaged douchebag for a boyfriend? No sane one.

Against his better judgment, Mickey rolled closer to Ian and wrapped an arm around his middle, spooning him the way he secretly liked it when Ian spooned him. He held him close and breathed in his scent.

“You make me want things I can’t have,” he murmured to himself, exhaling heavily against Ian’s neck.

He fell asleep swiftly, and in the morning, he didn’t ask Ian to leave.

[wexhappyxfew]

i literally choked on my pizza when i saw your writing and analyzing questions post, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!! first of all, what sort of process do you go through when creating characters? what kind of things do you take into consideration when creating them? i’m fascinated because creating characters is far from easy, especially when you’re creating someone like agent mortem! i’m always interested to know what the writer’s thought process was when creating a new character!

okay, so secondly, i wouldn’t say i’m having trouble with keeping all my planning organised and ‘precise’ in a way, but it’s really not easy 😅 i was wondering what kind of processes you go through when planning, whether you have like a specific structure or a set of steps to follow, or if you just kind of roll with it? at the moment when i plan it’s okay and it makes sense, but it’s literally just 4 or 5 pages of really chunky paragraphs which makes it really difficult to pick out the events again when i come to needing the plan to help me. i don’t really know if you do anything different, but if there is any way you know of that i could keep it more organised and easy to follow, that would be great :)

i’ll keep the last ones a little shorter because this ask is already looking veryyy long — what have you enjoyed writing about natia, what struggles have you faced and what have you learned? and basically the same with agent mortem if that’s possible :) i have asked a LOT of questions in this, so don’t feel like you have to answer them all because it will probably take quite a while 😅 anyway, thank you for putting up with my endless questions, and i hope you have a good day <33

ROSE AH HELLO MY FRIEND!!!! <333 sorry ive just gotten to this omg! it’s been sitting here for a little while but i’ve just had so much going on right now and wanted to make sure when i answered that my *full attention* was put on this! (because i’ve been very excited to answer this ESPECIALLY as i see agent mortem questions poking up on here and that just makes me even more hype!!! :D enjoy! <3

Ooooo this is a cool question! I’ve been asked it before but I feel with different characters and such, it always seems to fluctuate for me at least? In the sense, it’s almost never the same process for me in the developmental stages of a character haha! Sometimes I get characteristics first hand, or sometimes a certain scene pops up that just makes the character click and I can build from there, or sometimes, it’s just a last name or a first name that I work with and suddenly have an idea for!

For example, since we’re on the general topic of Landslide, I’ll talk about some things I did when creating specifically Natia. The “Natia” who is currently portrayed in the fic, was not always really like that. Natia initially was not a SOE Agent/Polish Resistance Fighter and instead a Dutch Resistance Member who would meet with Easy in Episode 4. I always sort of knew Natia, in whatever form she was, would meet Easy in Episode 4, but I wasn’t sure how, so the building in the first 17 chapters was the toughest part to come.

I did heavily feel the Polish were underrepresented in terms of the situation of the war along with everything that happened in the Warsaw Uprising and so I felt it was important to see if I could do something with that and that’s really where Natia came into play!

Natia means “hope” essentially and something I really like doing with her character is to parallel or juxtapose different ideas together, to continue on this sort of theme of her being a quite ominous and ambiguous character — you get the general sense of what her morals are, but in certain points it’s questionable. Morally-ambiguous characters have always been fascinating to me, especially female morally-ambiguous characters and so creating Natia in that respect I felt would be interesting to see what I could do!

Something major that I’ve slowly began to take into consideration with characters more and more, is the sort of general theme I want to be present with them — what’s that goal i that they are moving towards in the end and what’s the them surrounding it? For Natia it’s a multitude of things; family, revenge, being silenced, numb, grief, mentor vs protégé, lone wolf etc….the list could truly go on! And with these basic sort of ideas and themes, I can then move on from there and expand.

Why did she want REVENGE? Because the enemy killed her FAMILY, which is extremely important to her, and she wants to feel some sort of REDEMPTION for them.

Why was she BEING SILENCED? Because of the *past* conflict of the HARMFUL MENTOR VS SILENCED PROTÉGÉ situation that occurred between Agent Mortem and herself, where she allowed herself to be silenced by someone who abused the SUDDEN POWER he never had before in his life, ultimately leading to her continued issues of TRUST that she would meet throughout.

Why is she NUMB? Because at a fairly young age she experienced heavy and intense GRIEF that struck unforgivably at a time where it seemed things were safe. To rip something from a character, especially the main character, like FAMILY which is extremely important, you pull at the heart strings and it makes that character move forward on a quest for that in a way, ultimately by the end of the fic. (Basically you up they are least get a semblance of that lost thing, found again by the end)

Why is she a LONE WOLF? Because of the MENTOR VS PROTÉGÉ situation yet again, where she was taught to rely strictly on herself and no one else and so when TRUST and COMPANIONSHIP and TEAMWORK were introduced to her character, she didn’t know how to cope because she had been so desensitized to the ways of Agent Mortem that working back in the morals of family and friends was a challenge in its own respect.

It’s sort of a like a ripple effect if you think about it and that’s what helps me eventually move forward and develop the character arc I want to take place. She’s this way because of this — sort of like cause and effect. It’s really helped me out with major scenes or plot holes that have risen throughout the fic!

AGREED! Writing in general is not an easy feat and now including mind you ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, you’re literally, essentially, creating human beings from scratch and giving them characteristics, a backstory, trauma if you wish, friends and family, people they love, people they hate, morals, standards EVERYTHING! ITS INSANE! AH AND AGENT MORTEM! I’m so very glad that you brought him up, because his creation definitely stemmed directly from the want to experiment with the relationship of failed mentor vs protégé, entirely. I wanted a foil to Natia that was not directly with her all the time. Mortem plays such a MASSIVE role in her story and yet any interactions between the two are either from her mind or from memories and that’s just such a fun way to play around with their dynamic! (I just finished the creation of his backstory and character arc I want him to take and it’s only made me even more excited for what’s to ultimately come for him as well as Natia!)

A song that HEAVILY represents their dynamic is Ghost by Marvin Brooks (2WEI) and I’ll explain why. Even though Mortem is not always inherently *with* Natia, he still is a huge factor of her life, and still heavily controlling many aspects of her life such as recurring memories, reactions, and how she is also conditioned to react to certain things as well. He is essentially a “ghost” who is “haunting” Natia and I feel that’s an interesting take on their connection because they’re two people who clearly had a power struggle and a difference of opinions of multiple things and that just makes it so incredibly interesting to write!

song:

OOOOOO good question!!! So many people have such different ways of approaching story writing and planning and drafting and writing and editing and it’s honestly amazing!! I will say, I’m not an excessive planner or even a real great planner with writing, I never really have, and even as I’ve developed my writing and learned that “it’s okay to slow down”, or “it’s okay to take time for different portions to provide a deeper focus”, I still have not been someone to plan out every bit of my writing.

Reason being is I enjoy seeing where I can take the story in that time and place. Maybe if I’m doing a quick little writing segment and suddenly this idea just appears and hits me, I work it into the fic and it takes it a whole new direction and I end up not being super upset about it because it just…it works! And of course, this is not how other people operate and I have every respect for people who plan and have every detail laid out and figured out and just….completely and utterly planned to the dot. Lile kudos to people who genuinely get the planning all cleaned up before even writing, truly.

I just finalized Agent Mortem’s backstory and where I want his character arc to go and I’ve had him as a character since August of last year LOL! But ya know sometimes, I sit and I think back and go, maybe I wasn’t ready at that time to develop him completely yet because I, the writer, didn’t understand him enough to and I had to write more of him to be able to get a grasp of who he was and his character (and just about everything else!) and that’s okay!!! :)

Going with this idea I just stated above — the 4 or 5 pages of info — KEEP IT MY FRIEND!!! I swear, half the reason ideas even come to me is simply because I just write a big info dump that has all my little ideas somewhere inside and will ALWAYS be there. I recommend maybe taking a day though - away from focusing on writing or editing - and just picking that apart. (That’s what I did the other day and it helped me out MAJORLY! and it was worth it in the end!) Maybe keep the original 4-5 pages and then copy and paste the same thing in another doc so you always have the original!

And then just go through and split ideas apart! If you start reading and see it moving into another realm of headspace of ideas, just press enter and separate the two — you didn’t delete it, it’s still there and still intact! It’s just easier to look at now because instead of two, jumbled and completely different ideas, you now have two paragraphs and portions of text that relate to their own respective idea. It definitely makes it an easier pill to swallow when trying to get yourself organized!!

This really helped me when I was in my beginning stages of figuring out Landslide ESPECIALLY the first 17ish chapter where Natia was not in contact with Easy yet. I’ve explained it before but those chapters are there because we are seeing her final days with the resistance in Warsaw and how she ultimately ends up with Easy PLUS we see who she is as a character by herself and how she is not merely an extension off of Easy, but her own character, her own person. She has her own story and her own morals and ways of going about her life that don’t even relate to Easy. Their paths just happened to cross!! :)

By getting those first 17ish chapters planned, not extreme planning though I will admit, half the scenes were very much thought up on the spot for example like Natia driving to Munich in disguise or the introduction of Zdzich — two very important scenes that show us something about Natia. (1) She’s willing to go to extreme lengths for the people she loves to ensure that in the end they are safe, even if it means sacrificing herself and (2) she has trouble realizing that there are people out there that genuinely care for her, a connection to her ultimate, unruly and upsetting past. And the best part about it is THESE WEREN’T EVEN PLANNED! So sometimes, just let the story take the reigns and your mind and just guide you through it. Sometimes it is for the best :)

If you have your basic ideas and concepts and themes for how you want your fic to eventually go, the scenes for me most of the time just appear I guess when they should. Sometimes even in the times I'm not writing, I sit theorizing and questioning and thinking and developing ideas in my mind and it's a real good exercise, so when you get back to writing, you already know where you want the fic leading in the end!

MAN I LOVE THIS QUESTION. Anytime I can provide some meta or give some insight to Natia who is just one of the best characters I’ve gotten the pleasure of working with, I’ll gladly answer!

The thing I enjoy writing about Natia the most I feel, and I’ll probably always say this, is her complexity — as a writer, her character orders a healthy challenge for me that I gladly have accepted! You don’t know everything about her as a reader and as you read each chapter, that’s how you slowly uncover and discover what she hid about herself to protect herself. There’s so many different aspects of her that I could discuss truly!! (There has been so many parts that I’ve scrapped because I read through and just think “Man this doesn’t seem like Natia!”. She’s tricky sometimes to stake down exactly how she would react because of her past and her trauma and how long she’s been in war, but I just LOVE it!)

Many different aspects of her character though, come from her past and that’s what makes her interesting. I’ve really enjoyed working with the ideology of “Chekov’s Gun”, a writing device that can be used, with how I will mentioned something and it almost might seem out of the blue, yet later it all just makes sense?! When the flashback is revealed or a small portion of her past is finally allowing *light* in. It's a device I've used with Natia that has just really helped to develop her story at the pace I want it to be revealed! :D

For example, the OCEAN is mentioned many times. I make constant reference to the WAVES, the RECESSION of them from time to time, the comparison of the OCEAN both ABOVE and BELOW surface — all of that sorta stuff! For her character, it seems a bit out of place. She’s COLD. She’s NUMB. She’s BROKEN. What does an open body of water consuming at least 70% of the Earth have to do with an OC based in Warsaw, Poland?

This is where the importance of her PAST will play it’s role, as it has a major INFLUENCE on her and her CHARACTER and her MORALS. One of the main reasons the OCEAN is inherently connected to Natia is because of her PAST and one of those main reasons is AGENT MORTEM and her TRAINING, especially WATER training. I can’t comment further on this though as readers have only touched the tip of the iceberg for the use of the OCEAN and it’s IMPORTANCE so far in this fic! (Ask me again about it once this fic is finished up for the most part, unless….by Part 4 readers understand why!)

Natia just remains a character who constantly is developing and changing inside my head - where I want her path to ultimately end up leading by the end of the fic, where I want both her mental head space vs emotional head space should be and etc. So many portions of this fic are dealt specifically on her internal monologue and how she calculates and problem solves from that portion of her sort of *engagement* within the conflict. There never seems to be a dull moment when writing her!

Another thing I really have enjoyed about writing Natia is her clashing personality traits that make her interesting to write in both different scenarios and reactions. She's stubborn yet humble. She's numb and cold but internally extremely caring and giving and filled with these bottled up emotions. She's mentally strong yet she's been through so much and let the war take so much. She never complains about what she's doing, but she's lost nearly everyone she loves. She's a fighter in this war and refuses to back down from a battle she know she can wage, but the second she is pulled from the aspect of war, things crash and burn around her. Just even these few combating sort of things, really show her character and what, through writing, has slowly developed! They always lay around in the back of my mind and it's one of the main things I remind myself when I write Natia all the tme.

I think one of the most important things I've learned from both writing and creating a character like Natia is that (1) it's okay to ask for help, about anything, literally anything. You don't have to confine everything to yourself and build up this immense pressure to do what you must to continue moving forward. It's okay to have people there to help you and support you. (2) It's okay to be strong alone and even if you seem to be the only one on the current path you're are on, it does not mean you are wrong. it can still lead to the right destination in the end!

Oooo okay! AGENT MORTEM!! I am totally down to chat about some things I've loved to write with him with and some challenges I've discovered, but as far as what I've learned from him, I will be holding off and could answer that when the entire fic is both completed and then updated on platforms....just because ;) don't want to give away any spoilers haha! <3

Something I've enjoyed about writing and crafting Agent Mortem is letting him remain as mysterious and secretive as he is for so long. Initially, I can't even begin to recall what his character would be like even a year ago, but seeing where he has developed now, I'm really happy with where he is. He's mysterious, he's shadowed, he seems like a figure in the background, a past mentor who is half deranged and lost his mind with a background with so substance. It makes for such a fascinating way to begin to reveal his past! (something I've began to insert into part 4 of Landslide and man I'm just so HYPE!)

I feel I'm excited simply because he's finally getting the time and moment he deserves to finally explain and show himself as to what has occurred. There's so many fractured and disconnected parts of what is currently going on with Natia and her connection to both Agent Mortem and then Death is tossed in the mix and it seems this big complicated mess of 'how' Agent Mortem got to be this way, 'why' he does a thing such as this, just different and varying aspects such as that. it makes for those big final reveals to all be even more worth it!

He has been quite the challenge though I will admit. There's so many perspectives he could quite possibly be viewed from and his *character* + morals/values could be pulled in a various amount of ways as well. Making sure he accurately comes across the way I want him to both appear and come across to the reader and to myself has definitely been tricky. He's not as easy as suspected, you know, not just a 'dude who had a bad day and went insane in the end', there's a whole multitude of levels and reasons and a deep, heavy and traumatizing background starting from his birth really (which is a whole other story). Managing and balancing that all in one has definitely been something I've had to keep on top of and monitor but I feel has really been worth the challenge in the end. Because at the end of the day, I'm someone looking to constantly challenge myself.

And a good challenge, whether it be writing or academics or a workout, is healthy and GOOD! That's what Landslide in a whole has really shown me, to challenge yourself daily to see where you can push yourself and your imagination and creativity, just to see where you can even go!! it's exciting and refreshing!

Thank you so much for this wonderful ask Rose! I appreciate it more than ANYTHING as you well know, and I know it's taken me *quite* some time to answer, but I've been working on it for weeks now and finally got it out because it was ready! I really wanted to take my time with it and develop it to its full potential in the end and I feel I have (without giving away any spoilers haha!) As always, please know if you have any further questions regarding Natia Filipska, Agent Mortem, Death (along with other characters of Landslide), writing, the process (my own included), tips for writing/planning, or just anything else in general, I will always be happy to help in anyway I can! You're always welcome, anyone always is!!! <3333 Thank you again, I had so much fun doing this more than anything! :D

[suspiriu-m]

About Me

Hello! My name is Sal and welcome to my blog, Suspirium! Suspirium is a word that originates from one of my favorite movies, Luca Guadagnino’s 2019 remake of Dario Argento’s classic italian horror movie Suspiria. According to World of Dictionary, Suspirium is a Latin word meaning “Deep breath, sigh”. It’s also the title of one of my favorite songs from the soundtrack to the movie produced by Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I’m a huge horror movie buff so expect to see a lot of that sort of content on my blog if I can incorporate it into any of my work. I chose this as the title of my blog because of how well the word fits into the movie, and I just love the way it sounds. Anybody who’s watched the movie will understand, but I won’t go into detail as to not spoil it for anybody who hasn’t yet seen it.

Throughout my highschool years I technically went to two schools. My main and home school was Middletown High School, and my secondary school was Orange Ulster Boces in Florida New York. In high school I was always in media production and art classes. For example, photography, video editing, drawing & painting classes and my favorite was an Elements of Horror class I took my senior year. Horror being my favorite genre, I absolutely had to take a class that’s dove into the origins of classic horror novels, films and short stories. Leading to me finding my favorite classic horror story Dracula by Bram Stoker, and a multitude of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. Continuing on now to college i’m now majoring in Media Production while also still taking some classes in Marketing and Design! I really enjoy both a lot so it’s hard to kind of pick exactly which I want to do, but it’s nice knowing that no matter what path I finally choose I'll still have some experience in the other!

Aside from my education, I love to watch horror movies and read stories in my own free time. Movies in general are a huge hobby of mine and I watch at least 3-4 a week given I have the time. Some of my favaroties of all time concerning classics have got to be the Halloween series, The Evil Dead series and all four of the Scream movies. Other hobbies of mine that take up a huge part of my life and time are video games and music. I have a pretty big record collection that’s continuously growing with at least 80-90 albums and counting. I just recently purchased a few more to add being Sade’s Diamond Life, Whitney Houston’s Whitney and Whitney Houston albums, Lazaretto by Jack White, Texas Sun by Khruangbin & Leon Bridges and Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams. Hopefully my next additions will be What’s Your Pleasure? by Jessie Ware and The Baby by Samia. I’ve been collecting them for years, but especially now since even CD’s are starting to go out of style. I’m the kind of person who still likes to have physical copies of all my music and movies and games so having such big collection is super special to me.

In terms of video games, I try and play as wide of a variety that I can because I believe I can find something I like in any genre. Strategy, shooters, brawlers, online competitive games etc, but I think my favorite style of game is single-player, narrative driven experiences. Most recently I played The Last of Us Part II and was absolutely enthralled with it. I loved the first game so much so getting a sequel was something I was extremely grateful for. I don’t think video games get enough credit for what they do for storytelling. TLOU 1 and 2 are some of my favorite stories that I have experienced in any form of media. The heartbreak, pain, love, fear and excitement those games have succeeded in giving me while just sitting in front of my TV is something no other form of entertainment has brought me. Some of the most touching moments, but also the most excruciating. They also had a queer women front and center throughout the games which is something that isn’t very common in video games so seeing that was really nice to me. Other than The Last of Us, some other solid narrative driven games I’ve played are God of War, Uncharted 1-4, Marvel’s Spider-Man, The Tomb Raider Reboots, Ghost of Tsushima, the Batman Arkham series and Control.

Although story based games are my favorites that doesn’t mean I don’t have a place in my heart for some good old fashioned fun as well! I also really enjoy a lot of the Super Mario and Legend of Zelda games as well. My biggest pet peeve that I have with the gaming industry right now though is Fortnite. I think it’s literally the most annoying game ever created. People spend hundreds and thousands of dollars just to buy skins and weapon packs and I think it’s absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I work at a major video game retailer and constantly have kids running through my store screaming about the damn game at least once a day could also contribute to my hatred. Either way, I want no part and absolutely nothing to do with it.

Going back to queer representation though. I recently watched Pose over the summer. Not only was the show heavily based during the AIDS epidemic in New York City, almost the entirety of the main cast was comprised of Transgender Black women. On prime time television! This is the first show to ever achieve such a feat. Not only was the cast extremely talented, I thought the writing and production of the show as a whole was brilliant. It definitely has its flaws and I could point out a few of them, but I believe all of the good of the show far outweighs the bad. It’s not afraid to tackle extremely real and difficult subjects the Transgender and Black communities have faced in this country and all over the world. It’s so important to see content like this on television as well because EVERYBODY deserves representation. Not only was the cast Trans, but one of the lead writers of the series Janet Mock is also a Black Trans woman! Pose was filled with heartfelt moments that truly had me sobbing in my bed as I watched. I think I actually cried at pretty much every single episode for both seasons. The cast is brilliant, the realism and talent and star power they bring to the show is like nothing that I’ve ever seen before and I’m so glad to be able to see them up on my television. I so badly one day hope that I can be behind the scenes of producing a show of this caliber some day.

While I have yet to help in the production of a show like this, I have had my fair share of of making short films, music videos and even assisting on a friend of mine’s first full length movie that he submitted to festivals. Last year, I had the opportunity to shoot a short horror film with my classmates for our final project. The film was based around a young woman getting trapped at her school in the middle of a blizzard, and slowly beginning to realize that she may not be alone. In a fight for her life, she has to survive till morning while going up against a mysterious killer who lurks the halls of her small town college. Sadly, we didn’t have enough time to produce a full and finalized cut of the film but coming together and working with a few other classmates was still a really fun experience. Not only was I able to play the role of the killer, I aided in audio, music selection, location scouting, props department, shot planning and writing the movie and it was a great time. I also had the pleasure of helping out my friend Matt Vincini in shooting his short film The Cattle Farmer. A horror/thriller film about a boy who is adopted into a family, only to realize that his life might have been planned from the start. It featured a mysterious woodland family who may or may not have had cannibalistic tendencies that included their adopted children. It was a super cool experience to be on a set with a bunch of actors and seeing my friend in action in the role of director. Collaborating on projects like this with friends is always a fun time, even it does get stressful at some points. At one point in the film, one of the characters realizes that the dinner he is currently eating could quite possible be his last meal ever. Which kinda let me to thinking what my last meal would be. After some thinking, I think i’d definitely have to choose my families homemade pasta and meatballs. I know, pretty stereotypical for an Italian family but it’s just so good. We make our own sauce every september and it’s a huge family event. Everybody comes together and one of our houses and it’s literally a whole days worth of work. The best part? At the end of the night, we all have a huge feast and make pasta and meatballs with all of the sauce we just made. It’s one of my favorite things to do with my family and always one of my favorite meals. Not only is it delicious, but also sentimental.

This is all for now! Thanks for stopping by my blog and reading a little bit about me. I could probably keep rambling on for hours but I don’t think that’s the smartest idea. I can’t wait to fill this blog with more content this year and hope to hear from you guys as well! Until then, i’ll be watching more movies and DEFINITELY playing some more games. At this point i’ve been playing the new Marvel’s Avengers video game so, let me get back to kicking some AIM ass!

[oceancoralx]

 Hey everyone, I’ve just been lingering about. Been avoiding Tumblr RP because it’s not really where I’ve felt the most comfortable (even though I’ve made some amazing friends, you guys know who you are and you guys are awesome). I tried to return through discord because that’s where I felt more comfortable but I haven’t checked there in a while either. Life has been pretty terrible honestly and my muse has been drained as the distractions and problems piled on top. I just wanted to drop in and give an update. Also... wow, there’s a lot of drama I’ve seen. Another reason I’m very hesitant to come back but I’m glad certain things are being addressed such as toxic masculinity and racism, especially within the sect of “gay rp” (idk, but you guys know what I mean). Anyone else, this ain’t about you, and I appreciate you guys because your talent is off the charts.

I try and lean less towards that gay rp end of the spectrum tbh because fetishization tends to happen, I’ve noticed, and there’s also been stuff to do with consent that, while I have to say is my problem considering it’s not my business, I’m very concerned about and uncomfortable with as they’re portraying non-con for fulfilment rather than being addressed as what it is. Or at least being treated as a trigger with a warning or anything at times. I prefer story based rps than smut (which I prefer to do with rpers I’m comfortable with) and that’s just my own personal preferences that doesn’t impact anyone but it’s a huge part of rp, technically and I think it’s worth putting my two cents (is that what Americans use? Is that the phrase?) in. 

In terms of a toxic masculinity argument, I don’t think that particular issue was addressed as well as it probably should have been in the post I saw going round but it’s definitely a part of it. I think the types of muses we glorify are very evident but I do believe that that’s almost entirely okay. Be attracted to what you’re attracted to or gravitate towards and do you! But I do see a lot of muses (sure, twinks can be a part of this conversation, okay, but you know a lot of other groups as well) are neglected. I think white, traditionally masculine muses with perfect, muscular bodies are favoured (fine) and also “gay” (stereotypical) behaviour, attributes, traits, features are rejected (eek ok)/deemed unattractive and I do think that there has been a problem where it’s teetered towards a kind of toxic masculinity/internally homophobic direction (not always but there’s been some of that.) I don’t think it’s intentional because we can all like what we like but what we put out with that sentiment has crossed the line a few times and that’s where we need to be careful. I also understand that a lot of these things aren’t going to be addressed when your characters are smutting it up because those rps aren’t that deep and you’re just trying to enjoy writing. I’d just say that be careful within those spaces that we don’t put out any harmful messages or idk make a conscious effort to try and be positive in any way we can? You’d think this is a very simple thing but if people are still agreeing that this is still happening then it’s something that needs to be realised and put into words. 

Idk. Could be as simple as putting a trigger warning or... rephrasing? Sometimes the character is just like that and that’s fine but acknowledgement OOC or something? I don’t know, maybe even that seems a little much but it at least makes the distinction between the character and mun. I don’t believe your characters represent you, wholly. Just be aware and conscious of these things and outside of your character interactions, especially if your character is intentionally problematic or toxic ect, try and be decent to everyone. Muses are fictional but the many muns behind them are real people and however great or small, you have an impact on the environment you contribute to. The argument I saw being conveyed was not well put but I think that just because the person arguing them has problems of their own (valid ones which I am about to address) lets not disregard everything they said from the conversation because I think we should still talk about toxic masculinity and homophobia in areas that were not addressed. Also the attitude of non-binary and trans muses as being less than is also something I acknowledge has happened a few times. We’ve come a long way since now these characters are actually being included and brought to the surface of attention and I don’t think that any of us are trying to be harmlful (or I should hope not) but I do think in queer spaces we should be the ones to make room/welcome these types of people and issues safely and comfortably into them. I’m not saying you necessarily have tor rp with muses you don’t want to, I’m not policing you to be more diverse and inclusive but be open minded and aware that you are making an impact in your threads, muses, bios, rules pages and ooc messages and be mindful what sorts of messages your words are communication. I want it in writing that trans men are no less of a man (same for trans women but I see even FEWER of these muses) and we should be learning to adapt to this understanding of gender rather than conveying attitudes of the past that harm people within the community. Also no matter what the body of the non-binary muse is like, respect that they’re non-binary if that is the decision from the mun. Don’t erase that by disregarding chosen pronouns for your own fulfilment in the story. A character being non-binary shouldn’t change what they contribute to the story, especially if the story is two characters flirt in an undescribed location with a convenient bed and the only thing they have in common is that they’re horny and hot. 

In terms of racism, now this hits a little harder. There’s definitely a problem there (as pointed out by a lot of the people who responded to the toxic masculinity post). I empathise with the sentiments expressed about the blatantly harmful attitudes geared towards Asian and specifically Korean muses, as well as a general attitude towards all POC muses. This needs to change and if you think that this whole preferences thing doesn’t mimic the problems of the real world towards POC than I think you need to rethink. Many different muses of many different ethnicities have been either rejected due to physical preferences and the argument that due to this being done in a space where we create fiction that means this is okay I think is very questionable. Whole races of people being generalized and boxed into one is not where we should be at. You being comfortable with only FCs who are actors is fine, or FCs that supply no significant age gap is completely fair but implying a whole race of people is unattractive? I’m not putting words into anyone's mouth but please do not do this. Especially right now, we shouldn’t be doing this and we should already understand why this is bad. On the other side of the spectrum, the fetishization and stereotypes, especially in the way it is advertised is very grim. Fetishization of a whole race of people is dehumanizing, especially if that race is an oppressed minority. I’m not accusing anyone but PLEASE just try and consider your approach to interacting with POC muses in this way. It requires so little effort to just question whether something is okay. I don’t think it is hard to listen to what is going on in the real world and not project those harmful things in order to fulfil your fantasies. I think there’s a problem there if certain fantasies are fulfilled on the back of people getting hurt. Just do your research and try to offend anyone is what I’m saying. It’s very simple. Just grow as a human. Pretty much if you’re not talking from experience, just be respectful, whether you’re putting out a muse or trying to interact with a muse. Make a mistake and then try and then learn and grow. Don’t try and box POC muses into ways they can fulfil your fantasies based on very tired ideals of who they are and what they can offer. I’m saying it again, just be respectful. Question what you put out, think about it and try not to hurt people through what you communicate. Have empathy. I’m reiterating the same things because these are simple thoughts that should just come so quickly and casually. There are so many people with a multitude of different experiences interacting with this and probably people who have more knowledge on it but lets not just address these issues when someone needs to be called out. Lets put a stop to it in general. This shouldn’t have just been made aware of when it was right there in front of us. 

Listen, I’m not here to police or tell people how to go about RP. Get weird, go crazy and be out there. Characters and threads are not real life, I understand that but just be aware of the impact around that little bubble within the thread. Try and make a conscious ever to put out positivity outside of your threads when you’re contributing to your blogs. Or at the very least, don’t put out negativity. Make sure that no one feels unwelcome or disregarded or hurt when they come to your blog. RP is a social activity (wow I sound like an annoying, patronizing teacher while I write this) and that means that no matter how introverted you are, you gotta navigate it that way. Just don’t be a dick. This isn’t a call out post, just a “think about it this way the next time you try and put something out there.” This was my opinion on a few things that have been circling and a few things that haven’t been touched upon much. I’m also open to criticism myself if there’s anything I should have said, got wrong or missed out. Like everyone else here, I make mistakes and I am trying my best. I don’t think many of us are harmful or negative people, but sometimes when we are otherwise distracted we can slip up so it’s good to direct our attentions back to those areas. Ok I’m done.

This is probably a mess of a post.

[professorspork]

Frozen 2: first impressions

Hello friends! As you know, Frozen was a HUGE part of my fandom life ~back in the day.~ So of course I saw the sequel opening night and of course I have thoughts after ruminating on it for 24 hours. I’m sure there will be many things I forget or don’t cover--after all, I’ve only seen it the once. And I make no guarantees that my thoughts are coherent or consistent. (If I contradict myself, I contradict myself-- I am large, I contain multitudes.) I’m also sure my opinions will evolve upon rewatch. Lord knows they did last time.

Is that enough disclaimer yet? OKAY. Some of my thoughts are negative! Some are positive! It’s a grab bag! Here we go!

Spoilers under the cut, pals.

IN SHORT: As an expansion on the world and the characters I adore, I pretty much loved it! As an extension of uh Big Capitalism and what it means in terms of real world ramifications... I have questions/comments/concerns!

IN LONG: I think I’ll start with what didn’t work for me and work my way around to fangirling at the end.

the meh

I feel like... part of it is that Disney has just gotten worse and power-grabbier in way more blatant ways in the last few years, and part of it is that I’m ever-more cognizant of these things. And the fine line they want to walk of “We can tell stories about progressive concepts! Princesses are woke now, actually!” without taking a single financial risk when it comes to alienating foreign markets, homophobes abroad or Nazis domestically is just a fundamentally untenable position to be in. You don’t get to retcon Elsa and Anna as being somehow less white than they clearly are and then try to tell a story about reparations in which no one actually gets reparations. You don’t get to get points for that. It’s in some ways admirable to want to try, but all you do when you’re coming at it from the position of being Disney when you tell this story is show the cracks in it.

I can see how, on a purely storytelling level, having Papa King Arendelle Agnarr be of Arendelle and Iduna be of the Northuldra and having their daughters be the bridge between the two communities is a really tempting, tidy, tie-a-bow-on-it narrative. And I also see how creating the backstory of the war and the mist neatly explains the absence of indigenous faces in the first film. But like... come on. Introducing an indigenous group like the Northuldra and then declaring that Elsa and Anna are a part of it is insulting. There’s no other way to say it. It just feels gross. I’m glad that Disney consulted with the Sámi on the movie, and I acknowledge that both real-life Sámi folks and the onscreen Northuldra come in a broad variety of skin tones and phenotypes. But even with the most generous possible reading of the choice-- that it’s well-intentioned, albeit misguided-- falls flat for me. It feels like Disney trying to have their cake and eat it too. And I don’t really see any way around that. It just... gives me tremendous pause, and it’s so core to so many of the things the movie chooses to be that it’s really disquieting and disappointing.

But then again, Disney being racist isn’t exactly news, and there’s still plenty of flaws to tackle even when we put this (massive) issue aside.

This movie is... weirdly allergic to stakes? It’s not like I wanted Elsa to stay dead, or that I expected Olaf to (more on that in a minute). But Anna’s decision to go full Thor Ragnarok and, as @theseerasures​ jokingly put it to me last night, “throw the first brick at Stonewall” and destroy Arendelle felt right. It felt appropriate to the story they were telling, and it would have had the film put its money where its mouth is re: how atoning for the sins of our forebears requires massive systemic change. So having Elsa charge to the rescue on her water-type Rapidash extremely queer steed daemon Gay Horse and save the city felt cheap. (Also, side note: is Arendelle really just... that one seaside port town and nothing else? Are there only like fifty people in Arendelle?) The citizens had already been taken to safety. The society would live on; they’d all get to rebuild. What was the point of saving the castle, just for saving the castle’s sake? To what end? I don’t see how that’s more inspiring or reassuring or worth it than watching the sisters lead their people from the ground up and starting anew. I don’t understand what they thought was worth protecting, when, again, all of the people were safe. Stories need stakes in order to have meaning! HTTYD has impact because Hiccup loses his leg in his attempt to save his dragon and his people. You know? You don’t get to just... keep everything the way it is and call that restorative justice, and the film clearly wants us to. And I don’t understand why. The only reason that makes any sense at all to me is that they thought it would scare little kids, but like. THIS COMPANY HAS PORTRAYED WAY MORE TRAUMATIZING THINGS THAN THAT. MANY TIMES.

Point in fact: Olaf’s death! Genuinely disturbing! Sad! For the most part I really liked the way it was handled, but it also felt very. Y’know. “Mister Stark, I don’t feel so good.” This is perhaps my most uncharitable nitpick, so I’ll keep it brief, but having Olaf drift away Snap-style just felt like an extremely synergistic, Disney+ nod at Infinity War instead of an organic decision. Which maybe isn’t fair, because it makes more sense for Olaf to become a flurry than for the Snap to make people dust! But nevertheless, the weird wink-and-a-nudge feeling of it totally pulled me out of what should have been an extremely poignant moment. Elsa’s revelation during “Show Yourself” felt similar--like. Not to take away from your moment, Elsa, but the call isn’t out there at all, it’s inside me was already covered by this larger canon, and in a more elegant and eloquent manner.

Which--tbh, the music overall was a bit of a letdown (though “Into the Unknown” slaps and a boyband of five joshes “Lost in the Woods” was perhaps the best sequence in the whole movie). I respect that they clearly wanted to give everyone a solo this time around in a deliberate way, but the songs felt perfunctory for the most part--describing moments instead of advancing them. This film was such a departure from how Disney normally makes sequels (mostly in a good way, actually) and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have looked like to make a version of this movie where no one sang at all. It didn’t feel cohesive.

And, though it would kill me to get rid of “Lost in the Woods” because it’s perfect... I kinda wish Anna and Kristoff had gotten engaged at the end of act 1, as I think they pretty clearly did in the first draft of this script. Their relationship drama felt like a hat on top of a hat, and they could still have addressed their codependency/insecurities while being engaged. Leaving the proposal for the end just made it an anticlimax after everyone’s been brought back from the literal dead. And it maybe would have left them with more options than having Kristoff just vanish from the narrative for the entire back half of the second act.

Also Honeymaren should have had at least two more scenes. I can’t justify this on a narrative level; the movie didn’t actually need more of her. But like. If you’re going to go out of your way to keep Elsa carefully single, and even give KRISTOFF a new boyfriend, I feel like the least you can do is let us get to know the obvious throw-us-a-bone offering a little bit better. Like. Literally. the actual least you can do.

anyway. all of that said.

the yay!

I can’t tell you how gratifying it was to me, personally to open with a flashback of the girls that demonstrates as clear as day that Elsa is an ace lesbian and Anna is bi and polyamorous. Thank you, snow action figures.

And like. Overall the way the movie tackled the sisters and their relationship was pure *chef’s kiss.* (And I think for me, the strength in this particular bullet point probably outweighs all of my complaints and concerns from above, in the end. At least from an “I still derive enjoyment from this flawed thing” standpoint, though perhaps not from an “I’d recommend this to anyone without caveats” standpoint.) THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. THEY WERE SO THEMSELVES. I do think part of the fear of any sequel where there’s been a significant amount of time since the last one and you were so emotionally invested in it the first go-around is like... what if everyone feels OOC? What if what I saw wasn’t what was really in them after all? What if they feel like strangers? What if they let me down? And there was none of that, even for a second, with this movie. Their parallel journeys were character-appropriate and impactful. Elsa finally gets the freedom she’s always been looking for. Anna finally gets the responsibility she’s always been ready for. Anna, the caretaker, is positioned to take care of everyone. Elsa, the lesbian, runs away to the forest to hang out with beautiful powerful women. Elsa, the force of nature, is finally allowed to commune with it. The scene at their parents’ ship truly anchors the whole movie in the best possible way. And also, like... this movie showed how fucking weird Elsa is, and I feel so vindicated. SHE’S SUCH A DORK. I can’t believe I never realized that Elsa would totally choose Charmander as her starter, and the way she talked to the fire salamander was literally the most charming thing I have ever seen. “They’re staring at us, aren’t they?” GOSH. [IMDb says the salamander’s name is Bruni, and I’m very sad they never spoke it aloud.] [Someone do a rotoscope of the Tangled short where Pascal and Max almost ruin Rapunzel and Eugene’s wedding by losing the rings but it’s Bruni and Sven at Kristoff and Anna’s wedding, thank]

Anyway. All of that goes double for Olaf, because I really wasn’t sure they could pull off the miracle of him not being annoying twice. And they did! Olaf’s grappling with his burgeoning maturity was adorable and profound in equal measure, and his plot reenactments were sublime. And when he realized to Anna for the first time that he was feeling angry, that he was capable of feeling angry... what a tremendous moment. (Actually, I’ll extend what I said about the boat scene to include the Earth Giants river sequence in total, because. Again. Wow.)

And I have to say... as much as I am given real pause by their execution of the concept, “you just do the next right thing” is such beautiful (*cough* Jewish *cough*) praxis. I love that. In the broader Disney Revival canon of Tiana’s work ethic and Rapunzel’s abuse narrative and how Wreck-It Ralph talked about PTSD and all of the myriad things the first Frozen did, I might love “the next right thing” most of all. What a simple, powerful, evocative message. It’s so lovely. A perfect gem.

Also worth acknowledging that the animation was straight-up stunning. Which I expected, generally, but the water droplets in the ship? The way Elsa just loses it sobbing when she sees her mother’s face in the ice? The tender, shattered way Anna pulls Olaf in closer to her as he fades? W.O.W. And, y’know, while I stand by what I said above about stakes, I will say that the moment we first see that Elsa is experiencing cold, that Elsa is freezing? Genuinely--and please forgive the pun--genuinely chilling.

I love Gail the Gale. I love Mattias and Yelana and Ryder and Honeymaren. But mostly I just... loved the dialogue and these characters and that I got to spend a little more time with them. And I’m sure I’ll do so at least two more times before it leaves theaters.

... apparently this is over 2k words now so that seems as good a place to leave it as any. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[misssophiachase]

if you're still taking song prompts for klaroline, how about shawn mendes "if i can't have you"?

Yesssss anon, love this song!

Singer/Songwriter Klaus Mikaelson can’t stop thinking about his ex-girlfriend and childhood best friend Caroline Forbes. His behavior leads his frustrated manager to take drastic action.

If I Can’t Have You

I can’t write one song that’s not about you

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

Her words still haunted him, even three months later. 

Klaus had returned home to Los Angeles ready to throw himself into writing and determined to try and block out all distractions. 

But then it started.  

It wasn’t a matter of not writing, in fact he’d penned a whole album within six weeks. Klaus thought it was good. It was probably the most honest writing he’d ever done. Unfortunately his manager and record label didn’t agree. They even had the audacity to call him obsessive like some crazed stalker.  

His insomnia was profound after that meeting. On one of those sleepless nights Klaus found himself in his expansive attic at 3am trawling through the numerous cardboard boxes – also known as his past - deciding that for some crazy reason revisiting his childhood would help kickstart the creative process. 

It did at first, the multitude of photos acting as the perfect narration of his high school journey. Kol making goofy faces, Elijah staring at him in the background with disdain, Katherine flashing her bloomers mid-cheer at Homecoming much to Rebekah’s shock and Bonnie lazily reading Ulysses under her favourite tree.  

Then he happened on the next picture. One he knew all too well. Caroline Forbes, his best friend and former girlfriend, dressed as a sexy nurse on Halloween and poking out her tongue. It had been her initial response when he’d asked her to give him mouth-to-mouth. Granted she did later, albeit after much persuasion. 

God he loved her, he probably always would. He decided this revisiting of memory lane was a very bad idea and not at all going to help his current predicament.

It was at that point as the sun began to peek above the horizon he knew exactly what he had to do. Purge her memory including wiping their most recent conversation from his mind and then maybe he could write. 

Easier said than done. 

3 months earlier… 

Can’t drink without thinkin’ about you

“Barman, another whiskey please?” He asked, shaking his glass for extra effect. He needed the liquid courage as everything was unfolding around him. Klaus had missed Boston and his family and best friends but having them come together all at once was slightly confronting. 

Probably his fault for deciding to attend this wedding last minute. His last album had just gone platinum and rather than basking in his success Klaus was already anxious about how he was going to top it.  

“Did you ever think our little Kol would get married?” Katherine’s arm was around his shoulder before he could process it completely. He still hated Katherine because she told Caroline he cried during ET when they were thirteen.

“No one ever thought he’d ever be mature enough to marry,” he joked. “But apparently Esther sent him off to Bonnie with care instructions.”

“Now those I would pay to see,” she teased. “You know seeing your brother married is almost as surprising as seeing his superstar big brother grace us with his presence.”

“It’s not like that Kat and you know it,” he replied gruffly.  “But you did marry Elijah and take his grumpy ass off my hands so I won’t hold it against you.”

She poked out her tongue before replying. “If I was truly an evil sister-in-law I’d tell you just how good Elijah is in bed with his….”

“Yuck, seriously Kat,” he growled, hoping the dozen or so whiskeys he’d consumed wouldn’t make a repeat appearance. “You truly are the devil incarnate.”  

“And just like that we’re back in high school again,” a soothing and familiar voice offered. “Stop playing with him Kitty Kat, he’s out of practice.”

“But it’s just so much fun,” she argued before sending him a knowing wink then gesturing in Caroline’s direction. So not obvious.

It was no secret that his siblings and most people in his hometown held out hope that the prom king and queen would live happily ever after. Unfortunately it wasn’t a realistic scenario, they’d grown apart not only in terms of distance.

“Always the diplomat, love,” he smiled, probably against his better judgment. He’d felt completely out of place but when she’d floated effortlessly down the aisle of the church in nude silk Klaus felt like he was home again. 

“Have you met your family?”

“Touché,” he chuckled, swirling the amber liquid in his glass and trying to ignore just how good she still smelled, a mixture of strawberries and freshly pouring rain. “If I get too drunk later, and forget to say, you truly are the perfect bridesmaid.”

“Why, because I know how to keep the peace between many competing egos? Your sister was especially difficult; anyone would think she was the bride.”

“Nothing ever changes around here,” he mused, not unfamiliar with his little sister’s antics. “No, it’s because you outshone them all, even the bride, just don’t tell Bonnie I said that.”

“So, I’m actually surprised you’re here. I was told you were too busy to come home for the wedding.” Klaus could sense the resentment in her voice.

“I moved a few things around.”

“Well, given it’s your own brother I’m glad you were able to be so flexible.”

“Wow, tell me what you really think, Caroline.”

“Fine, I will,” she offered, before taking a breath obviously about to give him a piece of her mind.

“It was a rhetorical statement,” he growled. “I don’t need a lecture, we’re not teenagers anymore.”

“Well, you could have fooled me,” she huffed. “I’m so proud of you and what you’re doing Klaus but coming back to visit your relatives shouldn’t be just an annual event.”

“I’m sure Esther, Kol, Elijah and Rebekah barely notice my absence, love.”

“You’d be surprised, Kol wasn’t his usual joking-self when he found out his big brother might not be at his wedding.”

“Well, I’m here now.”

“For how long for exactly?

“I, uh, leave tomorrow,” he faltered, his gaze now downcast his drink suddenly very interesting.

“Haven’t you just released your record? Surely they’d allow you some time off?”

“An artist’s work is never done.”

“Why don’t I believe you?” She asked, taking him by surprise and grazing his chin with her forefinger so his gaze returned to hers. Klaus suddenly felt dizzy and not just because of his alcohol consumption. “I really don’t know who you are anymore, Klaus.” 

“I’m still me, sweetheart,” he bit back defensively, completely puzzled and annoyed at the same time. The hardest thing he’d ever done was leave Caroline Forbes. 

“Well, how about staying and we can see if that’s true?” 

“I’d love to, I would, but I really need to get back.” He pulled back his stool and left, worried that her hopeful expression might tempt him to stay and actually force him to have a real adult conversation about his feelings. Klaus really wasn’t ready for that.

Is it too late to tell you that everything means nothing if I can’t have you?

“What is with you, mate?” His manager Enzo offered between songs in the recording studio. “When you went home I thought it would get you out of your funk.”

“Apparently not.”

“You are extremely talented Klaus and as your manager I’m here to support you even when you’re being a total wanker.”

“Wow, tell me what you really think. You’re like the male version of my sister, completely unapologetic and scathing.”

“Mmmm, not sure what I think about being compared to your sister but that’s why you hired me,” Enzo shot back. “You’ve only been able to write about one subject and while I don’t begrudge you a muse there needs to be some variety.”

“I’m trying, believe me,” he promised. 

“Not well enough,” he shot back, gesturing to the studio door and signalling a come here gesture with his fingers. 

“Excuse me?”

“I thought that bringing your biggest distraction here might help.”

“My biggest distraction,” Klaus murmured, his brain working quickly to work out just what he meant. “You didn’t?”

“Well, how was I supposed to lift the spell?”

“You realise having her here will work in the complete opposite way, St John,” Klaus mumbled thinking, not for the first time, his manager wasn’t the smartest person. 

“Calm down princess, she’s here to beat it out of you. Genius right?” 

“What the hell Enzo? She has a really sharp tongue and a mean right hook.”

“Perfect then,” He wasn’t sure what this was until she appeared behind the glass wall in the studio looking even more beautiful than Klaus remembered. “And by the way, it took a lot to get her here given she thinks you’re an arrogant ass. Her words, not mine.”

“I get it Enzo, you are the best manager ever,” he groaned sarcastically. “Any chance we can talk in private?”

They all seemed to scatter, mostly scared that shouting would ensue and Caroline’s famed right hook might be put to the test.  

“You are an arrogant ass,” she offered, propping her feet up on the desk and eyeing him through the glass. “I only say that because I worry about those poor fans of yours who should know better.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, love.”

“So, why the writer’s block exactly?”

“Straight to the point I see.” 

“Well, some people have lives to save, Mikaelson,” she cocked her head slightly to the left, making Klaus lose all concentration momentarily.

“I’m fairly certain the night you decided to dress as a nurse for Halloween your future vocation was secured and given your caring nature it’s perfect,” he smiled knowingly. “Although I hope your outfit at Mass General isn’t as skimpy as the original version.”

“Why would that be so bad?” 

“I’m thinking about heart attacks for the most part but not gonna lie it also makes me extremely jealous. Call me a caveman but I always hoped that outfit was for my eyes only.” 

“And if it was?” She was now leaning closer towards the glass, her blue eyes seeking out his curiously. 

“I saw that picture the other day,” he replied huskily. “You were in that same costume poking your tongue out at the camera. I didn’t think I’d ever felt so happy.”

“Funny that, I felt the same way. I’ll never forget your fireman suit, even if you were scared of fire.”

“Kol thought it would be a good choice.”

“And that says it all,” she laughed. “So, what exactly am I here for, Mikaelson? What’s this distraction you can’t shake?” 

“Well, I have one huge stumbling block,” he admitted sheepishly. “It’s you.”

“Huh?”

“I can’t stop thinking or writing about you,” he admitted, his eyes finding hers through the glass and secretly hoping that telling the truth would somehow free him. 

She was silent for the most part obviously processing his confession and weighing up whether or not to shout or kick his ass. 

“My manager likes my songs but apparently pining after one person isn’t all that attractive to the general public,” he murmured. 

“You don’t act like that at all,” she answered, “in fact you can barely bring yourself to visit Boston because you’re just too busy for your family and…”

“You’re the reason.”

“I’m sorry?”

“No I’m sorry,” he reiterated. “I’ve always loved you Caroline, probably since Katherine told you I cried during ET at Lucien’s party in the seventh grade, which by the way I so didn’t.”

“Now I feel like I’ve really been transported back in time,” she murmured. 

“I was setting the scene,” he explained, moving closer and placing his hand on the glass just near her lips. “When you and I broke out those turkeys on old man Johnson’s farm prior to Thanksgiving because you decided being vegetarian was a great idea.”

“And it was.”

“For a day,” he grinned, “but I’m sure those turkeys we freed will always be thankful for your generosity.”

“You only liked it because we made out in the field afterwards.”

“Well, I am only human you know, love,” he joked, poking his tongue out through the glass. “But it was when you were named Queen at prom I honestly thought we’d be together forever.”

“But life had a way of intervening,” she murmured, her eyes dipping. “And I don’t regret that for a moment because I’m so proud of you Klaus…”

“But you just don’t know who I am anymore?” He recited, those words he knew so well that had killed him. 

“Well, yes. You didn’t want anything to do with Boston, with your friends and family, with me.”

“I didn’t want to come home because of you, Caroline,” he admitted. “It was idiotic but the thought of seeing you in general but also happy with someone else was enough to stay away. I guess my family were collateral damage which wasn’t fair either.”

“Wow, he finally comes clean,” she teased. “I don’t want to stroke your ego but now you’ve admitted your undying love I could certainly help this writer’s block.”

“How, exactly?” Klaus asked, cocking his left eyebrow. 

“How in the hell do I get in there?” She insisted, running her hands over the glass repeatedly. 

“I have a weird feeling my sadistic manager thinks it would be fun to keep us apart to further the creative process.”

“We can kill him right?”

“Oh yeah, but it doesn’t mean we can’t have fun either,” he smiled. “In fact I have this great melody I’d like you to hear.”

It was at that point Klaus Mikaelson’s track “If I Can’t Have You” made its way to the top of the charts and given all his success he took some much needed time off with his finance and family in Boston.  

[tayl0rrnation]

“I believe in the fight for LGBTQ rights and that any form of discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender is WRONG” - Taylor Swift, 2018

Taylor’s recent Instagram post really meant a lot to so many people, myself included. Although I don’t live in America and the voting situation isn’t something I can directly be apart of, I still took something from the post and it found a nice little spot in my heart.

This quote in the caption is something that really stood out to me the first time I read it, I immediately felt so many emotions all rolled into one which was both messy and beautiful! This year has been the one of the hardest years i’ve encountered in my almost 21 years for many reasons. I have had a multitude of health issues both physical and mental however one thing that has been both incredibly hard and so very worth it was accepting myself for who I am and who it is that I love. I had kept any feelings of attraction or love I had for girls in the past very supressed and to myself for a very very long time and it started to eat away at me until this year when I decided it was time to come out. I don’t think I ever would have gotten the courage to tell my family and everyone I know if it wasn’t for my beautiful girlfriend who has been such a rock for me. It took a lot of time to come to a point of being comfortable and happy with who I am and throughout the rough times a constant thing I did was obviously listen to my girl @taylorswift! The lyrics “you can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls” was such an important part of my journey to acceptance and it’s truly interesting to see the growth I had from hearing that song live in 2015 and shouting that lyric but not fully being at peace with who I was to now being carefree and happy in 2018 listening to the same song!

Knowing that any LGBTQI+ swifties would have seen Taylor’s post and know that she is on their side is so important because I know from personal experience that sometimes all it takes is knowing that someone’s on your side and accepts you just the way you are. Thank you Taylor for making that post, thank you for all that you do!

Although this year has been overall really quite hard and shitty, it has shaped me to be a better and stronger person and I thank Taylor for being a part of that, there have been some really major happy moments this year in which I’ve felt either proud, happy, excited or any other positive emotion and I’m glad I’m going to be ending the year at a place where I’ll be experiencing all of the positive emotions rolled into one.

Taylor, thank you for all that you are and all that you do! I can’t wait to see you in Sydney because I know it’s truly going to be the highlight of a testing, kinda shitty but worth it in terms of growing year. I’m taking my girlfriend to see you for the first time which will be an interesting time for her as I’m not sure she understands the extent of how much I adore you but that will be a fun experience! (our seats are SECTION 607-2, ROW 46, SEAT 9 AND 10 just in case you wanted to find us because I’m so down for hugs and getting to thank you in person)

I can’t wait to wear this shirt to the REP tour, to the supermarket, to my uncle’s house, to the cafe when I’m having brunch and anywhere and everywhere in between because it’s so important to me! This wasn’t meant to be just a tour post simply because this quote and the whole instagram post is so important to me and in general so please make sure to follow Taylor’s lead and vote if you are in America!

I love you all, especially you @taylorswift <3

[sinceileftyoublog]

Another Sky Interview: Blunt and Faceless

Photo by Parri Thomas

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Four faces, obscured by pixelated, crystalized hues of brown, black and yellow: That’s what you see looking at the cover for I Slept On The Floor, the debut album from epic British band Another Sky. According to lead vocalist and lyricist Catrin Vincent, the anonymity works to their advantage. Playing a show at St. Pancras church in 2017, the band performed as silhouettes, perhaps to raise a middle finger to the listeners who kept asking whether the singer was a man or a woman, perhaps to make a point about what we all feel like in a lonely world. “As if we can scrape the color off the iris and still see,” Vincent speaks, referencing these hues on album opener “How Long”, her voice affected by hiss then wavering between her raw opera and sky-high pitch. Over the next 11 songs, Vincent continues to sing about the social plagues and insecurities that bind us all. Independent of the context that inspired them, again, the band’s anonymity works to their universalist advantage.

I Slept On The Floor doesn’t sound like a debut album in words or instrumentation, and to be fair, Another Sky had been releasing music for a few years before it. But it’s a remarkable first proper statement, culled from the best of their previously released and new material. Many of the best tracks do reference the double standard in society’s expectations of women. “Brave Face” was written for a friend going through a breakup, decrying those who consider hiding emotions the ultimate form of bravery. Naomi Le Dune’s spindly bass, Max Doohan’s skittering hi hats, and Jack Gilbert’s skyward guitar licks launch the song into the anthemic stratosphere, as if to give the subject the courage for emotional outpour. “Tree” opens with gorgeous guitar picking that quickly gives way to Vincent’s showstopping vocals. “Sing no words; they’re meaningless when they come from a woman,” she sings, before belting, “You’ll never take mine!” as the instrumentation builds to a breathtaking climax.

But Another Sky are at their most mind-bending when taking on the multitudes inherent in the human condition, the postmodern challenges to Cartesian thought. “I am still here, still happening,” Vincent sings on the title track, vocoded. On closer “Only Rain”, she ends the album with, “I am no one I know / I am nowhere I go,” delivered in layers like a Greek chorus. With steady guitar strumming and drums, she’s able to accept the uncertainty in life, or at least challenges to the ideal. You’re not supposed to sleep on the floor. You’re not supposed to fall out of love with people and in love with cities. The way things are isn’t the way things ought to be--you fight what you can control, embrace what you can’t.

I spoke to the band from their practice studio in London last month--they were predictably thoughtful, wanting to engage in conversation rather than answer questions. We spoke about the record, how the band’s already grown, and their ideas for their upcoming tour (which may or may not be happening given the UK’s new COVID restrictions). Read the interview below! 

Since I Left You: What about the debut album is unique for the band in comparison to everything else you’ve released?

Catrin Vincent: It’s still songs from six years ago, but we made it way more coherent. We really thought about the album as opposed to the EP’s, which were groups of songs. The album could be more thought about.

Jack Gilbert: In a way, it’s the best of the last six years, in our opinion, of all we have to offer [laughs]. It’s a bit of a different experience listening to an EP than there is listening to a proper album that’s been constructed whose running order has been thought about and how the songs tie into each other. It’s our first time to show what we’re capable of doing long-form.

SILY: When “Life Was Coming In Through The Blinds” was released on its EP, as a listener, I wouldn’t have known that it would be a continuation of the previous track on this album, with the lines, “Still here, still happening.” Chronologically, we’re you working on a lot of these songs on the same time? Did you know you were going to find a way to make the old songs fit in?

CV: It’s funny, because “I Slept On The Floor” going into “Life Was Coming In Through The Blinds” was actually written after “Life Was Coming In Through The Blinds”. It was written as an interlude for a show at Village Underground in London. It wasn’t going to be on the album, and somehow, it’s become the title track because it feels so fitting. None of the songs happened on a chronological order. We found, over time, a way for the songs to fit together. We spent a lot of time on the order of the album to try to tell a story. We always wrote with an album in mind, I’d say.

JG: We had an idea for an album six years ago, so we’ve kind of been waiting to do one the whole time. The people we look up to make albums and are known for albums. We operate long-term in a lot of ways than a band doing singles, even though we’ve done that. We’ve always had this overarching feeling towards making an album.

CV: It was interesting lyrically. I had to piece together what the album actually meant afterwards. I was worried about that, that it wouldn’t have a common thread tying all the songs together. But actually, not thinking about what the album meant was the best thing that could have happened. The most honest thing came out, and I could look at it retrospectively for what I was thinking at the time. Coming up with a concept for the lyrics, if you come up first with a concept, you’re boxed, you’re kind of caged. We definitely thought musically about the album and how the songs would fit together there. That came live. Touring, we noticed which songs worked together. “Riverbed” always needed to be the third song. We always start the set with “How Long”, so it made sense to start the album with “How Long”.

Naomi Le Dune: And sometimes “Fell In Love With The City” was the second song.

CV: Yeah. That’s so true.

SILY: The interesting thing about the lyrics when listening to the record from front to back--they have a nice balance between being concrete and abstract. To what extent did you balance some autobiography with general or universal writing?

CV: I had a really hard time with it. The older songs I was using a lot of nature as metaphor, and that was unconscious. What I came to realize was that I was scared of saying things, and I didn’t like that. I really got into Phoebe Bridgers two years ago. The bluntness of her lyrics started to seep in, and I started to do that towards the end. It is autobiographical, but it’s not narrating certain events, in a way, which I’d quite like to get into as a lyricist. It was something I struggled with. What do you think of the lyrics: Do you think they could be more literal?

SILY: I wouldn’t say more literal. For instance, the album opens with the line, “As if we could scrape the color off the iris and still see.” You don’t entirely know where it’s gonna go. That first track speaks in those generalities. Whereas it’s a little more clear what a song like “Fell In Love With The City” is about or inspired by. The fact that it bounces back and forth between those two levels felt very organic.

CV: Cool! That is good to hear. I’m glad it works. I didn’t think about reviews and stuff.

SILY: As you shouldn’t!

CV: Exactly.

SILY: Everyone here has mentioned that instrumentally, the album was more deliberate in terms of how it was made. Listening to your discography from the early stages to now, this album does sound, simply put, a lot bigger. What were some of the musical influences that you took along the way to get the sound of this record?

Max Doohan: I think we embraced the live sound of the band more on the album than the EPs. We committed to recording several of the tracks live, which we hadn’t done before. We had the confidence that there was a certain power we would get when we would play together. Tracks like “Tree” and “Riverbed” and “Only Rain” were recorded completely live with minimal overdubs. For the most part, we tried to bring the raw emotion from the live show into the recordings. Before, we saw them as quite separate.

SILY: It allows the words to be more anthemic. How did you approach the interplay between the instrumentation and the lyrics?

CV: That’s a really good question.

JG: We’re always trying to lift Catrin. If that means we’re really loud or aggressive, we will be. It always comes from that place. The vocals are most important to it.

CV: That’s quite a recent thing, though, isn’t it?

JG: I guess so.

CV: Some of the songs, the music was formed. I like music coming first because then it’s like a puzzle piece. It’s a challenge. I have to figure out what the mood of the room is, what everyone’s feeling, and then write something to that. Sometimes, the lyrics inform the songs, like with “Avalanche”. I like having both worlds as a lyricist. I’m really lucky to be in a band where we’re all quite open to trying new stuff.

SILY: You mentioned “Avalanche”, a good example of a track that was written a while ago but still feels very current because of its words on toxic masculinity.

CV: I totally agree. It was actually quite freaky. “Let Us Be Broken” in particular freaked me out. We wrote that before Christmas, and then coronavirus happened. I was reading the lyrics, and I thought, “Oh my god, this sounds like it was written about the coronavirus.” But it’s about health. I was just really freaked out. I guess it is the mood of the world, and it’s largely been ignored just so people can live their lives without cognitive dissonance, so it kind of makes sense that it’s still current. It’s dealing with the wider world.

MD: Stuff that’s going on in the background has now been brought to the fore.

CV: The coronavirus especially brought a lot of these things to the forefront. People lost their jobs, had a lot of time to think, could only think. It feels fitting--that’s a horrible thing to say--I’d rather everything be great and our album not be relevant at all!

SILY: Generally and specifically, how have you been impacted by the virus as a band? Did you have to cancel a lot of stuff?

CV: We just carried on for a while, and we’ve written our second album, pretty much. We still should write a lot more and make it really good. We wrote a load of songs, and we carried on the back of that. But it’s only occurred to me today, because we did a Zoom gig last night, that you tour around your debut album. That’s how you promote it. I was like, “Shit, how are we gonna keep this going? What are we gonna do?!?” [laughs]

SILY: Have you thought about expanding the livestreams you do?

CV: I think prerecords are better. Next week, we’re gonna really focus on making some really nice visuals to go with a prerecorded show.

SILY: The cover art of the record is really striking. It reminded me of when you talked about the anonymity of your performance at St. Pancras, when you tried to obscure the band members. 

CV: Definitely. The last lyrics on the album, on “Only Rain”, is, “I am no one I know, I am nowhere I go.” It plays into that vibe. The original melting face came from the artwork for “Avalanche” when it came out in 2018, so it was really cool to continue that. 

JG: It felt fitting to us as a band. It’s very striking. That’s totally a reason why we did it, too. To make the album stand out visually.

SILY: That line on “Only Rain” you mention--the timbre of the music is a little bit lighter, and there’s an uncertainty to it. Are you accepting the uncertainty or still processing it?

CV: In my personal life, still processing it, but in that song, it’s complete acceptance. You’ll never quite know who you are because you’re constantly changing. I think you’re spot on there.

SILY: You’ve all answered in past interviews what your favorite song on the record is. Does that change a lot for you?

CV: It does for me, but you guys go.

JG: For me, it’s been “Only Rain” the moment we wrote it. The fact that it got on the album as the last song makes me love it even more.

CV: At one point, it wasn’t going to make the album. We kind of threw it on last minute.

MD: It was “Only Rain” for me, but it’s becoming “Riverbed”.

NLD: Mine is too.

CV: I think we just captured “Riverbed” so well. It’s one of my favorite songs to play.

MD: Especially because we haven’t been playing, but remembering that song during the live show and how powerful it is in the set. 

SILY: Have these songs taken on a new life live? What’s your approach playing them: expand upon them or replicate them?

JG: A song like “Riverbed” has been around for a long time, and it became what it is on the album from us playing it live so many times. That is the result of us gigging it. It used to be a lot quieter and more relaxed. We started improvising the end, and it became really heavy. Because all these songs are quite old, most of them have that story. Obviously, as soon as you start playing a song live, it changes almost straight away.

CV: “Only Rain”’s gonna be that way. We haven’t played it live yet. Oh god... “Let Us Be Broken” is gonna be a challenge.

JG: It’s always interesting to see what happens to a song one you start gigging it. You just never know. Sometimes, it’s exactly the same, but rarely.

SILY: The instrumentation on the record is definitely complex. It’s a maximal-sounding record. How did your Zoom gig go?

JG: It was alright, it was just me and Catrin, acoustic. Although the album is big, we’ve done a lot as a band over the years. We always like the challenge of reinterpreting our music based on different scenarios. It was really nice to play our music on just acoustic guitar. You just hear a different side.

CV: It’s nice vocally, as well. When it’s a full rock band, it’s really difficult, because you’re just screaming into the void. Which is really fun! But when it’s stripped back, you can do a little bit more with the vocals. But definitely better full band. We missed you guys [talking to Naomi and Max] last night. We did. The stage wasn’t big enough. I’m glad you weren’t there.

NLD: I had plans anyway. I was busy.

CV: [laughs]

SILY: Where did you play?

CV: Banquet Records in Kingston.

JG: It’s like a really legendary record store just on the outskirts of London. They’ve been doing really good stuff with bands for 25 years. It was really great with the whole lockdown thing to do something with them. It’s always part of releasing an album in the UK--doing something with them. So I’m glad it happened.

SILY: Your sound is definitely unique. Do you feel like you have peers in the London music scene?

CV: Friends that we’ve taken influence from because we’re at uni together.

JG: There’s not so much a scene of bands that sound like us but around this band are a lot of friends who are musicians. I guess so. A few friends in particular haven’t released music yet--

CV: They will be!

JG: Maybe more in particular to what we do than other people we know. We kind of felt like we’ve been on our own, to be honest.

CV: We’ve felt like a little bit of an island, but it’s only now that we’re gaining fans and gaining traction. We want to make our own scene. I’m really into that. We want to produce other people and collaborate--we’re getting into collaborations, we’re getting into remixes. We want to find a scene. We’ve just been this island, floating along for so long. It’s hard--a lot of our friends have had a difficult time getting enough money to release. It is really difficult for musicians. We’ve been really lucky to be able to release through a major and have that budget.

SILY: You’re already writing the next album. Do you already know what it’s going to sound like?

JG: Just bolder and more confident is the goal from our end. We’re trying to simplify, but in a stronger way. That’s what’s in our heads. It might change before the album comes out, but so far it’s been, “Make sure there’s no fat.”

CV: Like steak. Slender.

JG: We were confident with the first album, but it had been built for such a long time, we didn’t know what was gonna work. Now we know what we are a bit more. It’s been fun to be like, “Let’s just do that because we want it.” Hopefully people like it as much as we do.

SILY: What else is next for the band?

NLD: Fame. [laughs] I don’t know, just been cracking to get out of lockdown.

CV: We are gonna go ahead with our tour socially distanced. We’re going to be the pioneers! No, we’re going to try to make it a really good experience and not just a gig, because everybody will be sat down.

NLD: We’re kind of used to limitations, aren’t we?

MD: We have to try to figure out how to play the album all the way through in one gig, basically, and tour that.

CV: Like a theater show, almost. Before we became mainstream--are we mainstream, I don’t know? But before we played festivals, we were performing at people. It might be quite nice to go back to that kind of vibe. It did change when we started playing festivals because we had to blow people’s faces off. Maybe now we can incorporate some of our slower songs back in, make it more dynamic.

NLD: If you give people a seat, they’ll shut up. 

SILY: Do you normally have trouble with people talking during your gigs?

JG: No. Just at a random festival when you’re one of 200 bands, and people are just drinking. We’ve done hundreds of gigs like that over the years. We had to learn the hard way that some of our more intricate, delicate songs couldn’t be performed in those situations. Now, we’ve been given the opportunity to do that again. We’re quite excited about it. We’re trying to make the best out of it.

SILY: Have any of you been to any socially distanced gigs?

CV: No. Sam Fender did one two nights in a row. Some people are calling it a success. I like to sit down at a gig. It’s kind of my cup of tea.

SILY: More often than not, if the venue has seats, and it’s on a weeknight, my girlfriend and I will just grab a cup of coffee and sit.

JG: There’s almost an under-appreciation for the gigs where you can sit and take the music in properly. With this first album, it will be perfect for us to perform it in that way.

MD: You’re paying more attention. You don’t have sore feet.

JG: You’re not being bumped into. Less distractions.

SILY: What’s everyone been listening to, reading, or watching lately?

NLD: I’ve been watching Midnight Gospel. I don’t really listen to new music because we’re busy with the band, but the last thing I got was a band called Porridge Radio. I like that a lot. But I’m a bit behind at the moment. I have to catch up.

JG: Same here. Can’t really answer, but Catrin’s been going pretty hard.

CV: I’ve been going hard. She’s not new, but I discovered her during lockdown: Arlo Parks. [Asking Max] I think “Black Dog” is your favorite song at the moment, right?

MD: I think that’s the best song this year.

CV: And let me just grab my Spotify...you know what? Sufjan Stevens releasing an album and so is Keaton Henson.

NLD: Together?

CV: Not together.

MD: Phoebe Bridgers’ new album is pretty cool. I’ve been enjoying that.

CV: Ooh, an album that came out on the same day as ours and I’ve been obsessed with it: Victoria Monet[’s Jaguar]. The string arrangement is amazing, her vocals are amazing. It’s an amazingly produced album. I could go on for hours, so stop me...Lianne La Havas[’ self-titled], obviously. Julianna Barwick, her latest. Dream Wife[’s So When You Gonna...]. I’ll stop. I could go on a long time.

SILY: A lot of vocal-heavy stuff!

CV: That’s me!

[daylightarchives]

TOP ALBUMS OF 2017 (SO FAR)

It’s been a crazy year.. But also, somehow, one of the best years for music I think I might have ever been alive for! Here are some of my favorite albums of this year, lovingly catalogued and described in hopes that others enjoy these records as much as I have and continue to. Enjoy!

20. Alvvays - Antisocialites - If European stalwarts of indie like Chromatics and Pheonix can’t be counted on to bring their twee, vaguely filmic charm to 2017 (sorry, Tí Amo,) well, at least we have Alvvays. Coloring the totally played out dream-pop formula with flavors of shoegaze, punk, and post-punk, Alvvays bring a shit ton of personality to a genre that, most of the time, projects aloof disinterest; needless to say, it’s a welcome change of pace. Furthermore, there’s some serious songwriting muscle on display here, and every song seems even catchier than the last: from the washed out, dreamy In Undertow all the way to the longing closer, Forget About Life, Antisocialites remains a fun, engaging and memorable listen that I honestly defy anyone not to enjoy - and it has some of the best singles of the year in tracks like Dreams Tonite and the previously mentioned In Undertow.

19. Arca - Arca - There’s always been a sort of totally alien charm to the twisted and avant-garde electronic music that Alejandro Ghersi makes as Arca - on his latest self-titled record, everything that entices me about Arca’s music is turned up to 11 with the inclusion of his pained, heart wrenching vocals. Despite being sung entirely in nakedly emotional fits of his native Spanish, Arca seems somehow to reveal even less about himself than he did on his previous, instrumental albums, shrouding everything in a vague, mysterious aura on tracks like Reverie, Anoche, and (my by-and-far favorite) Sin Rumbo. Perhaps one of the most unique records to hit the mainstream this year, Arca is as good an introduction to this guy as any, and a great album.

18. Ariel Pink - Dedicated to Bobby Jameson - Basically another great weirdo-pop record from the reigning king of weirdo-pop. Bobby Jameson is effortlessly funny, sexy, bizarre, and touching, even at its most gloriously lo-fi and porny moments (Death Patrol, anyone?) The instrumental palette expands and contracts throughout the record, with some genuinely affecting acoustic moments and some batshit sound effects elsewhere that evoke the weirder moments of 2014’s also excellent Pom Pom. Always different, always the same.

17. Mac Demarco - This Old Dog - Leave it to a goofball like Mac Demarco to make an album that’s simultaneously the saddest thing he’s ever done, and the easiest record to chill out to of the year. Seriously, This Old Dog can be gut wrenching, especially when Mac is coming to terms with his broken family dynamics on tracks like Sister and Moonlight on the River. But Mac’s penchant for endlessly breezy riffs is all over this thing, making tracks like Still Beating, This Old Dog, and One More Love Song some incredibly easy and fun songs to listen to, in spite of the heavy subject matter. This Old Dog is an album I’ve lived comfortably with since its release because it’s so catchy, listenable and light, but still manages to contain multitudes about the guy behind these pained songs.

16. Dirty Projectors - Dirty Projectors - To the extent that Dirty Projectors mastermind Dave Longstreth can be viewed as a sort of elder statesman of the modern indie-landscape (ushering in R&B and pop worship, introducing Ezra Koenig and Rostam Batmanglij, constantly participating in the critical dialog surrounding his art and the art of the others), I think his new album Dirty Projectors can be seen as a sort of comment on the landscape he’s helped to shape, as well as the maybe too personal breakup album we all know it as. Dirty Projectors is a primer on white-boy R&B presented as 9 gloriously overstuffed tone poems, each obsessed with some aspect of his failed relationship with former Dirty Projector Amber Coffman. Up In Hudson is an autotune epic full of joyous horns and harmonies, Cool Your Heart is an awesome cacophony of polyrhythms anchored by D∆WN’s levelheaded chorus, and centerpiece Little Bubble is a baroque masterpiece that’s understated and subtle in all the right ways - a pleasant break from Longstreth’s breathless oversharing everywhere else on the album. If FJM wasn’t so deft at manipulating the journalists, this would’ve been the event album of the year; for Amber’s sake, I’m glad it isn’t.

15. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy - Shave your beard, ditch the funny-guy schtick, and write your fatalist opus: at least, that’s how Father John Misty owned the first half of the year, deftly playing the soundbite game and keeping his name in everyone’s mouth until the fabled album finally arrived. Fortunately, the music holds up for the most part, even if Pure Comedy is a little heavy on the ballads and could've used some of I Love You, Honeybear’s variety. Still, songs like Smoochie, The Ballad of the Dying Man, and A Bigger Paper Bag are stunners, and the analog ear candy production all over this album is some of the best I’ve heard this year. I guess my only gripe is that 2017 is a bummer enough already without Father John Misty telling us how screwed we are… Maybe take the title a little more literally for Pure Comedy 2?

14. Gabriel Garzón-Montano - Jardín - Gabriel Garzón-Montano, the guy that Drake sampled for sleeper-hit Jungle, signed with beat-music giant Stones Throw (home of hip-hop institutions like Madlib, Knxwledge, and countless others) to release Jardín - turns out, that odd couple was perfectly paired. Jardín is full of these excellent, miniature masterclasses in beatmaking, like the skittering percussion of “Long Ears” or the funk swagger of “Crawl.” Still, the record is pretty far from being some low key hip-hop worship thing, and acts pretty often as a vehicle for Garzón-Montano’s ambitious arrangements (“Fruitflies,” “Trial”) and vocal performances (“Cantiga,” “Sour Mango”), which range from old school R&B to almost classically baroque. Throughout, the instrumental palette is tasteful and restrained, and everything is overcome by a sexy, nocturnal vibe that just sounds great. I’m not sure what more I could possibly want from a record as generous as Jardín.

13. Japanese Breakfast - Soft Sounds From Another Planet - Something of a companion to 2017’s other great dream pop album, Antisocialites, Soft Sounds From Another Planet ditches that record’s lighthearted romanticism in favor of blistering political intensity and a wistful sort of sadness that evokes the crooners of the sixties on cuts like Boyish and ’Til Death. Taking influence from towering figures like Bradford Cox, Michelle Zauner crafts a work entirely her own here, weaving in strokes of shoegaze, chamber pop, and even an almost disco influenced synth-pop moment on standout The Machinist. Furthermore, there’s a really compelling interplay lyrically between songs that seem to assert Zauner’s efficacy as a woman (Diving Woman, the title track) with stories about the men who try to tear that efficacy down on tracks like Boyish and Road Head. Zauner’s political subtext on this record is definitely more complicated than I could understand or attempt to explain, but it almost doesn’t matter: with Soft Sounds, Japanese Breakfast weaves that social dynamic into a tapestry of beautiful music and gripping lyricism that will continue to impress and compel me for a long time.

12. JAY Z - 4:44 - In a decidedly more minor way, JAY Z’s 4:44 feels like his Dark Twisted Fantasy moment: in a time of personal turmoil played out on a grand public scale, the misunderstood artist retreats into himself and blows an unimaginable amount of money crafting an album too good to be ignored by the hateful masses. Luckily, the similarities end there, and 4:44 stays a low-key affair that plays impressively to Jay’s skills as both a rapper and simply as a magnetic personality, even if his almost spoken word delivery here often blurs the lines between those two things. All over the place, 4:44 is a rambling and opulent affair, full of expensive samples and rumination on internal conflicts of the ludicrously wealthy; it’s certainly to JAY Z’s credit that he can somehow keep that entertaining.

11. Kelly Lee Owens - Kelly Lee Owens - It’s always impressive when a record as slight and barely there as Kelly Lee Owens’ self titled debut can make an impression as strong as it did on me; even more impressive is the fact that this is her first record. Genre signifiers like “minimal techno” are frequently thrown towards skeletal, extended beats adorned only with the simplest melodies - you’ll find none of that on Kelly Lee Owens, a decidedly minimal-techno record that manages still to be incredibly lush and intoxicating. Whether Owens is highlighting the unique aspects of her collaborators styles as on Anxi with Jenny Hval or showcasing her own voice as she does throughout much of the record, Owens remains immaculately perched at the nexus between seductive and subtle - I haven’t heard anyone else operating so assuredly in this lane at all in 2017.

10. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard - Flying Microtonal Banana - Far less jokey than the too-heavy Murder of the Universe and far less ephemeral than the barely there Sketches of Brunswick East, King Gizzard really nailed it on LP1 of 2017 with Flying Microtonal Banana. Shaking up their usually spartan Kraut-punk grooves with a wealth of added Eastern instrumentation and a whole different approach to tuning that required custom instruments for every band member, FMB sounds like a band intent on exploring every possible permutation of their sound; as luck would have it, microtonal is a good look for them, and the record is basically bangers from front to back. From the off-tune crooning of Sleep Drifter to the strangely danceable Nuclear Fusion, King Gizz really take a successful sonic detour on this one while still coming through with a wealth of strong material. Let’s hope things head back in that direction for LP’s 4 and 5 before year’s end.

9. LCD Soundsystem - American Dream - LCD Soundsystem is back, and everything they represented in their heyday is even more out of style now than it was when they broke up a few years ago. So why is American Dream so goddamn good? For me, it comes down to the fact that past the cloying pretension (again, very out of style in 2017) and attempted rock-star aloofness, James Murphy is a pretty passionate dude, and that soft side translates a lot more often than not on this new record. Far more low-key than the bombast of This Is Happening, American Dream sets the bar a few inches lower and then leaps over it with stunners like Oh Baby, Black Screen, and the defeatist funeral march of the title track. The righteous anger is a little less believable now that James Murphy has personally screwed his fans over, which unfortunately taints the supposedly epic How Do You Sleep? with the sour taste of a one sided dialogue where you know you’re getting an asshole’s side of the story. Still, American Dream is a very good LCD Soundsystem record, and at the very least earns its respect in the pantheon of 2017 releases on quality, if lacking in narrative thrust.

8. Oh Sees - Orc - John Dwyer is living proof that the troubadour still has a future in the financial black hole that is this music industry, and maybe one of the last DIY guys to break through and really become an institution in rock music; it’s telling that the man can count fucking Henry Rollins as one of his biggest fans. Approaching the 20 year anniversary of his longest standing musical project, Dwyer hunkered down with producer Ty Segall (!), a bassist, and two drummers to record Orc, a late period masterpiece that streamlines the best things about Oh See’s recent sonic direction into a sometimes blissed out, sometimes metal-leaning psych opus that’s weird and fun and exciting in all the right ways. Orc is a Spartan album with little to no filler and an almost monomaniacal focus on running the ten tracks that make this album up into the ground; Keys to the Castle is an eight minute epic that gives up on punk a third of the way in for heavenly keys, and Paranoise, well, lives up to its name. Anyone who claims that rock isn't exciting or viable anymore should be directed to this record with haste - John Dwyer presents a pretty convincing counter with this one.

7. Perfume Genius - No Shape - Perfume Genius’ No Shape is an incredibly dense and rewarding album: rich in sound, rich in feeling, rich in lyrical and instrumental complexity, it strikes me as an album that’s meant to be lived with, and that reveals itself over the multiple listens necessary to pick up on all the little quirks hidden throughout by mastermind Mike Hadreas. Luckily, none of what I just said precludes No Shape from also being the most immediately gratifying and exciting release yet from Perfume Genius, and maybe anyone else this year, too. The first two songs are barrages of massive indie guitars and anthemic melodies, and from there, No Shape settles into a stride of incredible song after incredible song that continuously demonstrate Hadreas’ incredible range and capacity for evoking emotion. The fact that it’s easily the best-produced record I’ve heard this year is just icing on the cake.

6. Thundercat - Drunk - The glorious shitshow of an album that this glorious shitshow of a year deserves - and I mean that in the best possible way. While other artists have grappled with the craziness of the year with unfailing pretension (Father John Misty) or with intensely personal storytelling (Japanese Breakfast,) Thundercat seems to be coping in the same way the rest of us are - disappearing down a “rabbit ho” of drunken hilarity and making light of his occasionally destructive personality. Drunk is just as much of a showcase for Thundercat’s virtuosic bass skills as his overall funniness, though, and hyperactive bass workouts on tracks like Captain Stupido and Tokyo remind of his skills just as chill out moments like Walk On By and Drink Dat remind of his pop sensibilities. Thundercat stood behind the best of 2016’s music on the merits of his musicianship alone; with his affable personality in the fore, it’s no surprise how easily his solo work is beginning to connect on its own.

5. Brockhampton - Saturation I/Saturation II - Outclassing heavyweights like Drake, JAY-Z, and Kendrick Lamar, Brockhampton’s exciting debut and follow up Saturation (and Saturation II )are a reminder to me of why I fell in love with hip-hop in the first place: these records are a document of a bunch of kids willing the coolest shit they can think of into existence and then turning themselves into rockstars with whatever they came up with. That’s Kanye’s story, that’s Chance’s story, and now that torch is getting snatched by the willing and able guys behind America’s latest and greatest Boy Band. Fortunately, unlike all these heavyweights that seemed to get stuck in a rut this year, Brockhampton still has something to prove; let’s hope that takes awhile.

4. Fleet Foxes - Crack Up - Unlike FJM, Fleet Foxes frontman Robin Pecknold hasn’t given up on the world quite yet - that optimism, along with some of the most creative songwriting, production, and instrumentation I’ve heard all year, are what make Crack Up so special. The album has this sweeping, almost baroque quality to it; it’s more an album of suites and movements than individual tracks (that the lead single is an eight minute, two part behemoth speaks to this,) and Pecknold’s songwriting has finely begun to match the stately and massive sound his backing band has always been capable of making. Still, what keeps me coming back are the moments of almost religious stillness Pecknold conjures up on acoustic numbers like “Kept Woman”, “If You Need To, Keep Time On Me,” and “I Should See Memphis.” Crack-Up truly is a stunning album in every sense of the word.

3. Big Thief - Capacity - I keep coming back to this album because Adrianne Lenker filled it with what are potentially the best standalone songs of the year; if you care about guitar music at all, your literal favorite song of the year might end up being something off of Capacity. From the haunting narratives of songs like Watering and Coma to the pop-classicist bent of tracks like Great White Shark and Haley, this album is chock full of incredibly strong chord progressions and melodies that continue to reveal deeper beauty to me as the year goes on. This album is really something special.

2. Ryuichi Sakamoto - async - In this most fast paced and dizzying year, Oscar and Grammy winning composer Ryuichi Sakamoto cheated death at the hands of serious throat cancer and came out of retirement to produce a slow, languid album that rivals some of his best film scores (which include classics like Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence and The Revenant) with async. Drunk on every banal detail of the life he nearly lost, Sakamoto crafts a serene album full of ambient twists and turns, spoken word passages reciting cosmic poetry (courtesy at one point of Andrei Tarkovsky’s father), and the heart-wrenching piano work this guy seems to be able to do in his sleep. Everything about this album is incredibly masterful in its depth and detail; the sound design of some of the album’s looser moments are stunning, and piano compositions like ubi and the remarkable andata are some of my favorite tracks of the year. Sakamoto really is an international treasure, and in async he gives us a beautiful celebration of life viewed through the lens of his trailblazing career. We should all be grateful.

1. Tricot - 3 - I don’t know if I’ve heard a more fun, electrifying and emotionally potent record as Tricot’s 3 all year, and the lyrics are entirely in Japanese; hopefully that alone speaks to the skill of these 3 gifted women as writers, instrumentalists and vocalists. Their trick for connecting emotionally across the language barrier seems to be some combination of brute force (these tracks are performed at blistering tempos, in fits and starts of total instrumental acrobatics) and incredibly emotional vocals that communicate more than enough on sound alone - these girls sound like they’re exorcizing demons out of their very souls, they play and sing so goddamned hard. It doesn’t hurt that the writing is incredible, full of total jams like the one-two-three punch that opens the record or the totally anthemic Munasawagi. Who would’ve guessed that the pop record of the year might just be a math-rock album by a Japanese girl-group?

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

(Sandy) Alex G - Rocket

Sampha - Process

Spoon - Hot Thoughts

Tyler, The Creator - Flower Boy

Joey Bada$$ - All Amerikkkan Bada$$

The Murlocs - Old Locomotive

JLin - Black Origami 

Beach Fossils - Somersault

Jay Som - Everybody Works

Cigarettes After Sex - S/T

Laurel Halo - Dust

Slowdive - S/T

Ty Segall - S/T

Everything Everything - A Fever Dream

Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me

Black Lips - Satan’s Graffiti or God’s Art? 

Milo - Who Told You To Think?!?!!???

Oneohtrix Point Never - Good Time (OST)

Grizzly Bear - Painted Ruins 

Nmesh - Pharma

[fyodorscenarios]

I was tagged back by @leaunce. Thank you! I decided to do it, since I’m not afraid to admit that I kinda really love talking about myself.

I’m glad that I was able to get you into darkwave music! I’ve been trying to listen to new bands recently, but I haven’t spent much time on it so I don’t have many new recommendations. I’m not even sure what you’re already listening to, so I’m just going to list all of my faves (some of them have albums in other similar genres though):

- Joy Division - Black Marble - The KVB - A Place to Bury Strangers 

- Skeleton Hands - Trust - Belong - Лето В Городе (Summer in the City)

Questions:

1. What is your favourite type of food?

Sushi probably. Though I also really love ramen, pho, french fries, and stone oven pizza. 

2. What would you choose if you could play any instrument that you like? and why? (only one)

Well, I guess I’d go with the violin, since to me it always sounds very beautiful. Plus I feel like it’s too typical to say something like piano, since a lot of people know how to play that. 

3. What was the most happiest moment you ever experienced in the moment?

The happiest moment for me that I can remember is probably when I got accepted into University sometime ago. I had been declined by practically all the other schools I had applied to, so it was really relieving to finally be accepted into a program I liked. I was super excited at the time, and I still am now since I’m moving into residence there in a few weeks. 

4. What is your dream job?

I’d love to work in the field of AI, since I’m very interested in attempting to simulate consciousness and thought with a computer. I’d really love to help humanity as a whole understand consciousness and what exactly it is, and I think attempting to simulate it would be a step towards that understanding. I also have an interest in understanding the human brain, and in computers and computer science in general, so having a job in this field would combine all of that. 

5. What do you think about the society and and the search of “meaning” in our life?

Generally, I see society and its norms as fluid. Despite it always undergoing changes, there will always be problems with it. I’m convinced that it would be impossible for us to create a utopia, as we are not perfectly logical beings. 

In my opinion, the meaning of life is relative to each person. The way I see it, nothing actually has any meaning without us giving meaning to it in our own minds. Something that means one thing to you may mean something else to another. Therefore, I believe that inherently, life has no meaning, it’s up to us to define that for ourselves, and only ourselves. 

7. (This goes to @fyodorscenarios) What is the thing or philosophy that you most liked and not, from “Crime and Punishment” of Fyodor Dostoyevsky?

I like Raskolnikov’s notion that important people get away with murder as long as it’s for the good of something. Not the part about these people being extraordinary men though. I just think he’s right in the fact that sometimes murder is justified because it helps the supposed greater good. 

I also really love this quote from Rodya: “Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth”. 

I find that the quote above really speaks to me, it’s easy for me to relate to. I think that when you’re more intelligent, you have a tendency to think much more about things before you do them, and about life in general. Thoughts like that can really make one sad, especially with the state our world is in. Ignorance is bliss, if you will. 

In terms of what I don’t like, I’m not in total agreement with Dostoevsky’s rhetoric that turning towards the Christian god will save people and help them live better lives. This is simply because I don’t think that this solution would work for everyone. It would certainly help some people, most likely people who grew up as Christians or who are looking for something to believe in. However, I don’t think it would help everyone, though I wonder if Dostoevsky was even trying to argue that it would help everyone. He may not have been, I just read somewhere that we’re supposed to think that Rodya opened his bible in the future, though he never did it in the book. I understand why something of that sort may have worked for him specifically though. 

8.  What is your favourite hobby?

I don’t have a specific favourite. I guess I would say reading, watching films, or playing video games. 

9. What would it be the perfect date for you?

I’d love to go to an art, history, or science museum on a date. I think going to an interesting movie would also be fun, ideally something with good reviews and an interesting plot. Both would make for good conversation afterwards. I guess to top it all off we’d go to a restaurant that isn’t too formal but has great food. 

10. what type of superpower would you like to have? and why?

Super speed to the point that people almost look frozen around me would be pretty cool. Then I could travel without having to pay for airplane tickets. 

Pyrokinesis and reanimation are also favourites of mine. It’s hard to choose. 

11.  Do you believe in god? why? and why not?

Oh boy, I have some complicated feelings about religion, so brace yourself. 

I identify as agnostic, which means that I believe that there might be a god, or there might not be. Essentially, I’m open to most possibilities, but it gets more complicated than that. 

I don’t believe in any specific god, because there’s no solid proof that any of the gods people believe in are actually real. What I do believe in is evolution, since there’s a multitude of evidence for it. Therefore in my mind, if there is some kind of god or gods, they set evolution in motion, or at least caused something like the big bang. 

Really, I wonder what even defines something as a god. Since I suppose a god could just be some kind of being who has much more power over the universe as we know it than we do. It’s hard to say. 

The so-called god being(s) that may exist are unlikely to be anything like what any religion describes, in my opinion. For the most part, I believe that these descriptions are just speculations about what may have made us created by ancient humans. In my mind, religions serve two purposes. One, to perpetuate specific ideals in society. Two, to try to explain why the world is how it is and therefore reassure people that they will still exist after death. There is a possibility that a religion may be right, or at least partially right, though I think that possibility is very small.

To clarify, I don’t think that being religious is particularly bad. For most people it’s a great way to reassure themselves that they have a purpose and that they won’t disappear forever after they die. It’s comforting for some, but it’s just not something I can have any faith in. I’m too logical for that. I’ve accepted that I and everyone I love will die, no matter what that may lead to. However, my general belief is that even if there was something that created us like a god, there probably isn’t any way we can exist after death. There is no eternal soul, we are the electrical signals in our brains, and without the brain to run them we cannot continue on. 

-

I’m not going to tag anyone since I’ve already done that on the previous post. Sorry for getting so heavy near the end lol

[sweet-christabel]

A Trusted Friend In Science

FF.et: (x) AO3: (x)

Chapter Twenty-Eight - 2035. Reunion.

It took Chell and Doug almost two weeks to reach Wyoming. Neither of them were experienced hikers, and their injuries slowed them down quite drastically. Doug’s leg, although stiff, had healed to the point where it was giving him almost no pain, but Chell needed frequent rests, which annoyed her no end.

Their supplies lasted them well, and they were able to restock the essentials at the residential areas they passed through. Doug carried his share of their luggage on one side and the cube on the other, without uttering a single word of complaint about the weight. The cube had almost become their mascot. They’d begun using it as a table when they made camp for the night, sitting either side of it as they shared their food. Chell was never without her notepad, so their conversations flowed easily, if a little slower than they’d used to.

Doug had read her account of old Aperture with interest, asking her a multitude of questions about what she’d seen. She’d answered as best she could, but the place had made her uneasy. Aperture’s history catalogued a train wreck of bad decisions and financial difficulties, up until the point where Caroline had taken over from a dying Cave Johnson. Chell was still puzzling over what GLaDOS had said to Doug, the way she’d been so confident that Chell wouldn’t get sick from moon rock poisoning. Although it sounded like the A.I. had been alluding to Caroline having a hand in her boss’s death, Chell couldn’t match that conclusion up to the bright, enthusiastic voice she’d heard on the pre-recorded messages, the voice of a woman who’d clearly idolised Cave. In the end, she had to accept that she’d never have the answers, and that Caroline could have had many reasons that she simply hid from everyone. It was frustrating, but the events were long over and done with. They were best left in the past.

Camping out in the open was becoming the norm, as they very rarely found anywhere to shelter, but they’d been lucky with the weather so far. It hadn’t rained once since they’d left Aperture, and the dry, dusty landscape was starting to show signs of needing a shower or two. Chell wondered if the portals that had delivered the Combine had somehow messed up the weather. Some of the people in the towns they passed through had given them more information in addition to what Trevor had told them. The Combine hadn’t been the only alien lifeforms to come through. There had been others, some of which had been friendly, but they’d all been transported away by whatever the resistance movement had done. Chell found the whole thing difficult to get her head around, but she and Doug had enough information to blend in now, which was all that mattered. They didn’t relish the idea of anyone taking an interest in Aperture. Brad and Trish had been bad enough, and they had to hope that Trevor would keep an eye on them.

The closer they got to Wyoming, the fewer breaks Chell had to take. Her stitches dissolved after ten days or so, but she was still cautious of the wound. It was healing nicely, but still sore, which she was starting to get annoyed about. Her annoyance led to the only fight she and Doug had ever had, but even then it lasted barely two hours before they both apologised and talked it over. Chell supposed it was only natural, as they were living side by side with only each other for company, but she didn’t like arguing with him. It left a gnawing, unsettled feeling in the pit of her stomach.

It was strange, but since their first hug, right before Doug had put her into short-term stasis, they’d been a lot more open about physical contact, as if that hug had broken the dam they’d both previously maintained. Part of it was about seeking comfort, Chell knew. It was nice to squeeze an arm in consolation or bump shoulders while sharing a joke. They both suffered from nightmares, and had become each other’s support, each taking it in turns to calm the other with a hand to hold, and in Doug’s case, soothing words muttered.

Chell’s nightmares hadn’t started until she’d been properly rested. The first few nights away from Aperture, she’d been too exhausted and too sore to dream anything that really bothered her. After Trevor and Gerry’s hospitality, and after she’d had time to grieve for her father, she suddenly found her sleep interrupted by flashbacks of her experiences. Sometimes it was GLaDOS who haunted her, sometimes Wheatley, sometimes the threat of being pulled into space, and once it was a distorted version of Cave Johnson, who climbed out of his portrait and tried to inject her with praying mantis DNA. Hindsight had made that one seem ridiculous, but it had been disturbing at the time, and she’d been glad that Doug hadn’t pushed for details. She never asked him about his dreams either. She was fairly sure they were similar to hers, if not worse.

Doug was edgy on the day they walked into Wyoming. Chell couldn’t blame him for that, nor was she surprised, but his anxiety wasn’t helped by the fact that he’d woken up twice during the night. She’d spent several minutes on both occasions tracing soothing circles on his back with her palm, waiting for his ragged breathing to adjust. Idly, she’d noticed that his spine didn’t stick out quite as much as it had done, and that regular food was doing him good, but she’d been mostly focused on his agitation.

As they walked into the city he was quiet and tired, but his eyes were alert, taking in everything. Chell had never been to Wyoming before. Her dad’s work hadn’t allowed them to leave Upper Michigan much. In her opinion, the city was looking pretty good. The streets were smooth, the houses well-maintained. But for the lack of cars on the roads, it almost looked…normal.

“My parents used to live near Battjes Park,” Doug told her as they walked. “I think I still remember the way.”

Aside from a couple of wrong turns, he was largely correct. The house was a generous size, in good condition, although its roof was a mixture of old and new tiles, and the fence around its back garden was in need of repair. Doug stared at it for a good long while, his hand nervously opening and closing in a fist as he worked up the courage to approach and knock on the door. Chell hovered by his side, trying to be supportive without seeming pushy. She knew how difficult it must be for him. His relationship with his family had picked back up in the years before GLaDOS, but he hadn’t seen them in person in a long time.

“I’m…not sure I know how to do this,” he admitted quietly.

Chell squeezed his shoulder, offering him a tiny, encouraging smile.

He turned to her, eyes full of uncertainty. “What if they’re…?”

You’ll never know if you just stand here, she urged him silently.

But then the decision was made for him. The front door opened, revealing a young, dark-haired woman, just a few years off thirty if Chell was any judge. She glared at them both with an openly hostile, suspicious look.

“Any reason why you’re just staring at my house?” she snapped.

Her harsh tone seemed to jolt Doug out of his stupor. “We’re…um… Sorry. Uh…does…the Rattmann family still live here?”

The woman narrowed her eyes at him. “Why?”

“I’m looking for William and Charlotte,” he told her hesitantly. “They, um, used to live here...years ago.”

She scrutinised him for a long moment, then said, “Wait here a sec,” before disappearing back into the house.

Doug and Chell waited in awkward silence, hoping she hadn’t gone to fetch a shotgun or something equally unwelcoming. When she returned, however, it was with an older woman, her mother, judging by the resemblance. The newcomer’s gaze swept over them both, coming to rest on Doug, where her expression became a picture of stunned, confused disbelief. Doug was staring back, his mouth slightly open in shock, and Chell suddenly realised.

She’s his sister.

They did not really look alike. Where Doug was all angles, his sister was curves, but their hair was the same deep black, although hers was now generously laced with grey, and their eyes were the exact same shade of blue. She looked to be in her early sixties, a fact that Doug was clearly having trouble adapting to.

“I…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” the woman said, stepping out towards them. “You…you look…”

“Julie?” Doug managed to get out.

At the name, the woman halted, her eyes widening. “Who are you?” she asked, sounding half afraid of the answer.

“It’s me. It’s Doug.”

She visibly reacted to his words, closing her eyes as if she’d been slapped. When she opened them again, her voice was cold. “That’s impossible. Doug’s dead. And even if he wasn’t, he’d be sixty years old by now. What are you trying to pull?”

“Julie, I mean it. It’s me,” he told her earnestly. “There was an incident at Aperture in 2007. The place locked down. Most people died, but those who survived were put in cryogenic storage, that’s why I haven’t aged in over twenty years.” He sighed wearily. “You have to believe me.”

“Prove it,” the younger woman spoke up.

“What?”

“Go on,” Julie added, folding her arms. “Tell me something only Doug would know.”

Chell heard the faint tremble in her voice, and knew that her aggressive stance was just hiding how emotional she truly was. Chell figured that Doug looked enough how Julie remembered him to add credibility to his story.

“Something…okay,” Doug conceded, pausing to think. “Um…when I was six you told me that Santa Claus was an evil pixie who would break into the house and take credit for gifts that Mom and Dad bought us, and you said he’d hurt me if he caught me looking out for him.” His face took on a wobbly smile as he recalled the incident. “I was so shaken up I was going to tell Mom. You got scared I’d get you in trouble and you admitted you’d made it up. You made me swear never to tell anyone, and I never did.”

Julie pressed her lips tightly together, her eyes suddenly glistening with unshed tears. “Go on,” she said.

Doug nodded, clearly seeing, as Chell was, that he was getting through to her. “I asked Dionne Woods to the prom and you gave me dating advice. Then in college, when I started dating Lucy, you gave me…uh…different couple advice, and we both got really embarrassed about it.” He cleared his throat, continuing in a softer, sadder tone. “When I finally called you again, after…after I’d learned to cope with my condition…you yelled at me and then spent ten minutes apologising. But…you were right. I should never have left it so long. In hindsight it just seems even worse, but I was stupid and…”

His words were cut off as Julie darted forward and hugged him, her tears now running unchecked down her cheeks. Doug suddenly broke down too, hiding his face in her shoulder.

Chell watched them, feeling strangely emotional herself. When she cast a quick glance at Julie’s daughter, she was looking much the same, all traces of snappishness gone.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Julie said through her tears. “And…still young! But you’re alive. You’re alive. Thank god.”

“Mom and Dad?” Doug asked quietly, pulling away.

Julie shook her head. “They’re dead, Doug. I’m sorry.”

He nodded. “I…think I knew that,” he said shakily. “It seemed…too much to hope for.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment, regaining control. Opening them again, he asked simply, “How?”

“In the war. You…know about that, right?”

“Yes. So…it’s been a long time for you. Since they’ve been gone.”

“Twenty-six years,” Julie confirmed with a sniff. “And nearly nineteen since I lost Luke. You remember him, right? You met him one Thanksgiving.” At Doug’s nod, she added, “He joined the resistance movement. Got himself killed. I don’t even know the details.”

“Julie, I’m so sorry,” Doug said earnestly. “I remember you telling me that he was the one.”

Julie gave a watery smile and a brief laugh. “I remember that too. I was right, you know. I married him after the war. This one was only two years old.” She jerked her thumb in the direction of her daughter, who smiled sadly.

Chell didn’t recall Doug ever mentioning a niece. When she glanced his way, she saw the confusion in his face.

“I tried to call you so many times when I found out I was pregnant,” said Julie, sighing. “I wanted to be the one to tell you that you were going to be an uncle. But I could never get through. After a while I got worried, and Luke and I drove up to Ishpeming to try and find you. The town was half empty, and those that were still there told us that there’d been an accident at Aperture and everyone had been killed. Anyone who went over there to try and get in never came back. Eventually people just stopped going. We had to turn back and…accept that you were gone.”

“I’m so sorry,” Doug murmured, although it wasn’t his fault.

Julie waved off his apology and turned to her daughter. “This is your niece, Angela.”

Angela looked a lot like her mother, but her eyes were dark brown, and her hair had a distinctly auburn tint to it. She extended a hand awkwardly, which Doug shook.

“Pleased to meet you,” she said, her tone and manner more polite than it had been initially. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh,” Doug muttered warily.

“Good things,” Julie assured him, dabbing her eyes with her sleeve.

Doug smiled at her, then turned to Chell. “This is Chell,” he announced.

Julie did a tiny double take, meeting Chell’s gaze and smiling before looking back at her brother. “Chell? As in…Chell from work? The one you wouldn’t stop talking about when you used to call?”

Chell shot Doug an amused, slightly surprised glance, one eyebrow raised. Oh really?

Doug gave an embarrassed laugh, looking at his feet. “You have a disturbingly good memory,” he muttered. “Yes, Chell from work. She was my only friend until I started working with Henry and Robert, of course I talked about her.”

Julie sent Chell a wink, clearly falling comfortably back into her role as big sister. “It’s lovely to meet you.”

Chell nodded and smiled.

“I’m afraid she doesn’t speak,” Doug explained when Julie looked a touch bemused.

“Oh. Okay. Something to do with what happened to you?”

“Yes. I’m hopeful her voice will return when it’s had time to heal.”

Chell rolled her eyes, feeling a little self-conscious when he caught her doing so.

With a tiny, amused smile, he added, “Chell disagrees with me on that one. She’s pessimistic like that.”

She looked at him incredulously. I am not!

“You are a bit,” he retorted teasingly, reading her expression.

She sighed loudly, lifting her gaze to the clouds as she put forward her lack of amusement.

Doug laughed, a much lighter sound than she’d heard from him in a long time. She couldn’t help but smile at it, shaking her head as she met his gaze. Julie smiled too, although there was something benevolently calculating in it. Then her expression switched to one of confusion.

“Doug, what is that thing you’re carrying around?”  

Doug’s smile dropped as he glanced over his shoulder at the companion cube. “Um…long story. It has sentimental value.”

Julie raised her eyebrows sceptically. “Well…okay then.”

“Mom, shouldn’t we go inside?” spoke up Angela. “They both look exhausted.”

“Of course!” Julie exclaimed, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry. You…you threw me off. To say the least.”

“It’s okay,” Doug soothed her. “We understand.”

Julie ushered them all inside. Chell followed Doug into the spacious hallway, watching him attempting to look at everything all at once.

Is it how you remember it? she wanted to ask him.

“You redecorated,” he said.

“A couple times since I inherited the house,” Julie nodded. “I couldn’t stand to see it looking like Mom and Dad had it. I only stayed here because Luke said it would be a great house to raise a kid in.”

“He was right,” Angela told her, squeezing her arm.

Julie sent her a smile, then gestured them through the nearest door. “Come and sit down.”

Chell entered the light, airy room, sinking gratefully down into a corner of the couch, dropping her backpack by her feet. She couldn’t deny that comfort was welcome after two weeks of camping, although it had been strangely peaceful to trek across the countryside.

Angela disappeared to fetch drinks, and Julie and Doug talked of their lives, catching up. Angela soon returned with glasses of apple juice, which gave Chell the sugar boost she hadn’t known she’d needed.

Doug told their story almost from the beginning, omitting some of the details for the sake of clarity. Chell added things occasionally via her notepad, but he had it all covered pretty well. Julie and Angela listened with interest and horror, the latter with an additional touch of fascination.

“So you two had no idea about the war or the occupation?” Angela asked.

“None,” Doug told her. “We only heard about it a few weeks ago, from a man in Ishpeming. He said the resistance dealt with it after they had help from someone important.”

“Gordon Freeman,” Julie put in.

“Yes. He seems pretty well known across the whole country.”

“Not just the country,” said Julie, “the entire world knows his name. People looked up to him as a symbol of hope. They called him the One Free Man.”

“Mom, he hates all that stuff,” Angela put in defensively.

Chell glanced at her curiously, wondering if she knew the man they’d heard so much about. It certainly seemed so based on the way she’d spoken. Doug apparently thought so too, as he asked her directly.

“Oh, my Angie knows him all right,” Julie said proudly, before her daughter could answer. “They worked together. I told her stories about you when she was growing up, so I guess it’s no surprise she ended up a scientist.”

“Mom…” Angela murmured, exasperated and a little embarrassed. “I’ve worked with Gordon a handful of times. I know him a little bit, that’s all. Mostly I worked with his associate, Dr. Kleiner.”  

“Freeman is a scientist?” Doug asked, sounding surprised. “From the way people were talking about him it sounded like he was some kind of super hero.”

“He’s both,” Julie declared.

“He worked at Black Mesa,” Angela explained. “So did Dr. Kleiner. They were both survivors of the incident, along with another friend of theirs, Eli Vance. Eli’s dead now, but the three of them were the scientific backbone of the resistance. Gordon also took on some more…hands-on tasks for the resistance, some of which kind of turned him into a soldier, almost. He paired up with Eli Vance’s daughter, and they made quite a team.”

Doug met Angela’s gaze. “We were told that Freeman found something that forced the Combine back to their home world.”

“Gordon wasn’t the one who found it,” Angela said with a quick head shake, drawing a strange look from her mother. “That was one of Eli’s associates. But he was the one who used it to finish it all. Alyx Vance helped, although she didn’t want to. Right before her father died, he had an argument with Dr. Kleiner. He didn’t want to risk using the thing, but Kleiner said they should. With Eli dead, Kleiner got his way, but Gordon and Alyx insisted on handling it.”

‘What was this thing?’ Chell scribbled on her pad.

“Well…normally I wouldn’t even have said this much,” Angela admitted, curling her hands around her glass. “But I made an exception because…well, it was something that Aperture built.”

Doug looked at her in confusion. “It was?”

“Yes. A ship. It was found somewhere in the Arctic.”

His eyes widened. “You mean…the Borealis?”

“The what?” put in Julie.

“Aperture thought it was lost,” Doug went on. “Well, I guess it was.”

“Yes, the Borealis,” Angela confirmed, her voice quiet.

Chell shot Doug a puzzled look. The name sounded familiar, but she couldn’t think why.

“I think I told you about this once,” he said. “The ship that disappeared right out of the dry dock in the 70s.”

With a jolt of realisation, she remembered the conversation, and recalled stumbling across the dry dock on her trip through old Aperture.

Only Aperture thinks it’s logical to build a dry dock miles beneath the surface and far away from the coast.

“In my time, the ship had become a kind of mystery, a…fairy tale story that people joked about in the break room,” Doug went on. “Nobody really knew what had gone on there, and nobody took it very seriously.”

“Maybe they should’ve,” said Angela, putting her glass on the coffee table and folding her arms. “It contained sophisticated but unstable teleportation equipment, purely experimental. That’s how the ship ended up in the Arctic in the first place. Gordon and Alyx had a difficult battle with the Combine before they managed to secure it. The Combine had killed the woman who located it initially. Eventually, they were able to teleport it back to Dr. Kleiner.”

“And they figured out a way to teleport the Combine out?” Doug surmised.

“Yes, pretty much. We’re…still not really sure how. Dr. Kleiner was experimenting and…something worked.” She shrugged.

Chell bit her lip, frowning. It was not reassuring news, although she was hardly surprised at Aperture technology being so unpredictable.

“He accidentally pulled all alien life out of Africa,” Angela continued, drawing yet more surprised looks from her mother. “Gordon figured out what he’d done enough to repeat it, but I don’t really understand it. I don’t think Gordon understood it. He just made it work somehow.”

“Aperture experiments are volatile,” Doug said grimly. “They can be impossibly effective and achieve incredible things, but they’re almost always lethally dangerous.”

“Gordon held a similar view. He wanted to honour Eli Vance’s wishes and destroy the ship. Dr. Kleiner assured him he would.”

“Good, because I don’t–”

“But that’s just it,” Angela interrupted uneasily. “He didn’t do it. He kept it, insisting that he could figure out how it worked and make it safe. That’s why I eventually stopped working for him, I couldn’t keep going back to that thing.”

Doug looked instantly worried, his brow furrowed. Chell felt suddenly wary watching his expression change, almost how she’d felt back at Aperture: a tense kind of restlessness.

“That’s…not good,” Doug murmured, running a hand through his hair.

“Part of me didn’t want to leave,” Angela said with a shrug. “Mom persuaded me, but honestly…that thing gave me the creeps. We’d been working with it for over six years, but Dr. Kleiner was no closer to figuring out how it works. Even if he managed to stabilise it…I don’t know. Being able to teleport between worlds seems all wrong.”

Chell gave a quiet huff of laughter. That’s Aperture all over.

Angela glanced at her blankly.

“We’re both kind of cynical where Aperture is concerned,” Doug explained distractedly.

“Oh.”

“I may have persuaded you to leave,” Julie said, her tone defensive, “but for a long time, you didn’t.”

“No,” Angela agreed. “I was interested in the work. But I didn’t like that we were lying to Gordon and Alyx, and I stayed because I wanted to see if there was any way I could destroy it. In the end, though, it…it was too much.”

“Have you told Gordon?” Doug asked her.

Angela shook her head, looking conflicted. “I wasn’t sure if I should. I mean…he’ll just ask why I didn’t tell him before, and…” She trailed off, leaving awkward silence in her wake.

“Well, I’m glad you gave it up,” Julie said, smiling. “New Mexico is too far away.”

“You can blame Dr. Kleiner for that. He accidentally teleported the ship to the site where Black Mesa used to be, then couldn’t get it to move again. He built his lab up around it.”

Chell scribbled a question. ‘And Gordon has no idea what goes on there?’

Angela read it and shook her head. “He and Dr. Kleiner had an argument a while back. They don’t talk much. Gordon’s retired now, anyway. He and Alyx settled in Kansas after everything died down.”

“There was a call to put him in a position of authority, but he refused,” said Julie.

“I think Alyx would have killed him if he’d taken it,” Angela grinned.

“Who is in authority?” asked Doug. “I can’t believe I’ve only just thought to ask that.”

Chell offered him a small smile when he looked her way, indicating that she’d forgotten to ask it too.

“Technically the president,” Julie informed them, “but the government relies heavily on the leaders of individual states, who in turn rely on community leaders. With the population so much lower than it was, there’s not a lot of law enforcement volunteers. Things are run much more…what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“There’s not just one person in charge,” Angela cut in. “And as far as I know, other countries have adopted a similar system. We can’t communicate over long distances as well as we could. The Combine knocked out the entire cell phone network. Scientists are working on reinstalling it, but without satellites there’s not much we can do.”

“Who’s president?” Doug asked.

“You wouldn’t know him,” Julie told him, “but it’s a man called Edward James. He’s nice enough, I guess. For a politician. I don’t know how much you know about the war, but for a while Earth had just one leader. Well, representative. Wallace Breen. It was thanks to him that humanity survived at all, but he was in league with the Combine. They accepted his surrender on humanity’s behalf, then let him be their spokesman on Earth.”

“And what happened to him?”

“Nobody knows for sure,” Angela said with a shrug. “But he’s almost certainly dead.”

A brief period of silence fell over the group. Outside, the sun was beginning to set, casting everything in a soft, golden light.

“So, what are you going to do now?” Julie asked Doug, smiling.

Doug shifted in his seat, raising a questioning eyebrow. “You mean…now that we’re free and we found you?”

“Yes.”

He seemed at a loss, turning to Chell for help. All she could do was shrug, however. They’d been so fixated on finding Doug’s family that they hadn’t had chance to consider the future.

“I…I’m not really sure,” he said eventually. There was a shadow of some stray thought in his eyes, however, that made Chell think that the statement wasn’t as true as he intended.

“Well you don’t have to decide right away,” Julie declared, sitting forward to gather the glasses together on a tray. “We’d be happy to have you stay here as long as you want.”

“We don’t want to be a burden on you,” Doug told her, snatching the words right out of Chell’s head. “I know life is hard these days. For everyone.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Angela assured him. “We can manage. And you’re family. I’d like to get to know my uncle better.”

Doug smiled at her, but it was obvious that he was still wary of putting a strain on their household supplies.

“Come on,” said Julie, getting to her feet, “let me show you to your rooms so you can get settled. It will be nice to actually have them get used!”

Unable to do anything but accept, Chell and Doug stood and picked up their luggage. Julie was right. There would be time for them to figure out what to do, and Chell wanted Doug to enjoy his time with his sister and niece without worrying. She doubted that would happen though. He was a habitual worrier. For herself, it would be an opportunity to rest and regain her strength, and to work out what her place would be in the new society she found herself in.

[mybravesong]

Week 4

DAY 24 Monday (30th July) We started the day with morning exercise. Here’s a picture of what it’s like in the morning.

Everyone’s half dead. We power walked with Leonie on the bridge under the bridge towards Optus stadium. During quiet time, I asked God for a word and I had the word 'tu' which means you in Spanish and the word dance. 

Jeremiah 31:13 NIV Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

I thanked God for who he is, He brought to mind the lady we walked past on the way to bbt on Sunday and another lady I saw sitting on a bench, downcast. I prayed for healing and for her to personally encounter breakthrough. We went into morning chores, this week for me that is checking fridge for expired food. We’ve started on the weekly topic which is, “Worship and Intercession”.

I had Lunch and lunch duties and straight into band practice! 

^ This is my band! Tavita, Joshua David, Iel, Leonie, Sam, Randi and Sarah!  We finally played the song once through. It was fantastic!! :D Then we had dinner and showered and went to bed. Also handed in my first book report.

 DAY 25 Tuesday (31th July) We started with a fun morning exercise which was Dance Dance Revolution! It was super fun cause we got to dance together and be wacky with one another. I had quiet time and I asked God what He thinks of me and he says kind and gentle. Are u always affirming? He said yes. He also gave me this verse.

Jeremiah 19:3 - about a stiff neck people that did not listen and put foreign gods and idols.

Isaiah 6:10 - about a seedling coming up from a stump.. I RMB praying about it before but I forgot who it was and God says I love you with an everlasting love. He pat my head and said have a good day today.

We went for Morning chores and I asked Kari to be my staff of the week (it’s part of the journal that you have to introduce yourself to a staff and find out their story. After that, we went into Intercession class. Tess was taking about the history and this is what she mentioned:

First wave - 15 century ships Europeans 2nd wave - main land 3rd wave - rise of airlines, unreached places 4th wave - more Christians growing in Asia going into other nations. Focus on ppl on all nations going to nations The theme was to pray for God to send people from nations.

We broke off into groups and I got this verse: Hebrews 12:26‭-‬29 NIV At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”  The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.  Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.” There were a couple of words about fire and about people coming from libra and going into america to preach the gospel. After that, we had lecture, lunch and lunch duties. After that, we had a class on  songwriting. These are the principles they explained.

Principles of song writing 1. Partnering discipline and inspiration together What's God talking about to us, to the nation or the school 2. Hear from God 3. Finish your songs 4. Use the Bible 5. Record your bits 6. Songs from encounters

I finished my 2nd book and went for dinner. Right after, I did my 2nd book report and finished it. Then at 7:30pm we had small group. Sam Hakes spoke on the goodness of God. Definition of goodness - goodness in its truest form is right. Goodness - beneficial, nourishing, a general quality recognised in others. After that we had to do application. 

Application 1. Where are you at with being good I honestly wouldn't say I'm good hahaha just cause we're all not good after the fall but it is through Jesus that we received that righteousness. In loving wise, I think I can be loving haha, providing wise, not as good as I would like.. I try to contribute to my family where I can. Faithful wise, I still have room to grow for that haha. 2. How can u grow more in this character God gave this to me which is to think good thoughts of people. 3. 1 application that u can actually do Write down the person's name and what qualities you love about them 

We did the 5 languages test as well and then went off to bed.

DAY 26 Wednesday (1st Aug) We had no exercise that day but I had quiet time and God was saying to me that I was taking too much time doing and not expounding on relationship. So I asked God to give me the godly grieve for things that break His heart, whether it's unforgivenness, pride, etc. God was talking to me about enjoying relationship rather than doing more things because I had finished my second book report already. I had pride in my heart - look what I have achieved and that's not the way of God. We had morning chores and then we had Missions Morning. It was really interesting cause we got to see what ministries YWAM ran. 

Then we had lecture, lunch, lunch dishes. Then I had a one on one with Abigail and the question I had to think about was - why am I having pride? And how to overcome it? God said to think good thoughts of others and write them down. She also got me to think about strategies to resist temptation. We had dinner and then song and dress rehearsal - Never getting back together and He’s got the power in his hands. I went back to shower and got sick. Started shivering badly, had a fever. My fever broke and I woke up at 1ish. Went to toliets and came back to sleep.

DAY 27 Thursday (2nd Aug) Woke up at 6.30am. Feeling really groggy. Kate gave me cereal and Katie gave me almond milk to go with my cereal for breakfast. Really thankful for them! I had morning chores after. We then had class. We broke into our small groups and talked about where we were for outreach, financially. The verse I got from God was Luke 6:38 give and it shall be given to you. I had the impression to sow into someone’s outreach fees and also an amount for the wireless mic (faith project). We had lectures and after our lunch duties we went to class. We were introduced to Destiny who was teaching us how to prep for our Mexican food fundraiser. After that we went for dinner. After dinner, Matt and I worked on collecting data and finalising the order list while a couple of them were playing jackinthebox(which is really fun btw! everyone should try). I asked Matt to walk me home, went to shower and went to sleep. I woke up at 4am, went to the toliets and sneezed (mucus came out - right side) and I went back to bed again. DAY 28 Friday (3rd Aug) Woke up at 6am and felt like God wanted me to go to base at 6.30 for quiet time. During quiet time, God said I am righteous and holy. But I don't feel that way. I asked if I should give towards someone’s outreach fees that He had laid in my heart the day before and.. he gave the verse Zachariah 6:3 - Then he called to me, “Look, those going toward the north country have given my Spirit rest in the land of the north.” That was a confirmation for me as the person is going North. On top of that, I also asked Him to heal me! And I coughed up thick flam. Took a photo of it in the toliets. Praise God! 

After that we had Music DTS worship, lecture, lunch. During lunch, Cristine approached me about doing a testimony about what we’ve been learning throughout the DTS and I said YES o-o! Had lunch duties and I went to accounts to submit my funds into the person’s outreach fees and faith project. I had wanted to go during lunch duties but Alex rebuked me (thank you Alex). I had to come to terms with my reaction and I asked God to forgive me and rebuked the spirit of pride. I decided to send in my funds via bank transfer instead and got them sent out. 

After that, they spread out a map across the auditorium and got us to intercede in prayer over the whole earth.

After that, Matt and I started prepping for the Deliveroo with Destiny (Mexican food) and Karen (a girl I had met previously in the school of arts gave me a sneakers bar (so sweeet!) We had the burrito run. 

It went well, I think we managed to raise a good amount. But right after that, we had service and I felt like I didn’t quite prepare well for it. But lol God gave me the courage and I spoke. It seemed like a lot of people found it funny haha Praise God for that. Went back to the dorm after and started doing my weekly journal! My bunk mate, Sarah encouraged me about genuineness and boldness of authority in prayer that I’ve been having! God is so good!

DAY 29 Saturday (4th Aug) Leonie, Iel and I spent the morning on our journals. We finished them and went for lunch. After lunch, my baby sisters came to pick me up for a sister outing. We went to the pharmacy to get me some meds and then we hung out at yagan square and had a long chat! <3 It was fun!

We then went to Cristine’s place for the pizza party. 

It was a lot of fun but I was so tired! xD After that, we went back to 228, showered and the girls had a movie night thing. We watched 10 things I hate about it. Brings back so many memories!

DAY 30 Sunday (5th Aug) I woke up at 1.57am cause God was speaking to me and I wanted to write it down. 

God reminded me that His love covers a multitude of sin. I had a picture of Leonie holding tea and stating a different view. Someone who had a very different opinion and then everyone still gathered  round them I think I got the bible verse Isaiah 53 something... I’m not quite sure I couldn’t rmb it. He also gave me a revelation. His love is enough. God celebrates our differences. God loves therefore we must love too. Prayed for unity.

I went to sleep and woke up at 7ish to visit Riverview Church. Low and behold. The pastor was preaching about having the right posture or heart and He was talking about James 4:8 (which so happens to be the jumper I was wearing today! And at the end, he mentioned that He is enough! And it was totally crazy cause that was what God was speaking to me about this morning! I loved that confirmation! Praise God for that. Draw near, less talking, more doing. His presence is enough, God is enough!

I came back after and just chilled on my bed for a bit. Feeling extremely tired today! Ate lunch and just worked on getting this journal up! :D

[nigelmarmot]

The Beer Run (subtitle: Days I’m Glad I Also Do Lighting)

This Monday was a doozy. I was a mercenary for a local production company who does the Nitefall on the River concert series in Des Moines. The show was called “The Beer Run” and featured Reel Big Fish (a big 90′s ska group) and three other ska/punk bands, all as a touring package. Pretty fun group of people. The Nitefall concert series are held primarily in a riverside venue called Simon Estes Ampitheater. It’s named after a [still living] legend in the Opera and Vocal Arts world. He’s the “F. Wendell Miller Distinguished Artist in Residence” [what a mouthful] at Iowa State University, among other educational institutions. He’s sang in almost every opera house in the world, and for several US and foreign presidents and monarchs. Basically, huge in a world that I’m barely ever in. I’ve surprisingly been on a few gigs where he’s either been the star performer or guest artist though, so maybe not “barely.” I digress. 

The Venue

The amphitheater is a gorgeous, western [meaning sunset] facing bowl right on the riverfront with downtown Des Moines in the background. It’s got a cool semicircle truss with light bulbs all over it arching over the circular stage.

(photo credit: some dude on Pinterest, but pinterest won’t let me credit whoever it is without signing up for Pinterest. Screw that).

(photo credit DesMoinesAlive.com)

The venue is gorgeous. The logistics of it are not so gorgeous. I won’t say it’s the worst venue to work in, but it’s certainly not without its share of gripes. To start, the stage is at the bottom of this bowl, which is at about a steady 15º-ish incline. Loading in is not too bad (just have to keep momentum in check, else the cases dump into the river), but the out is calf-killing. At the very least they do have paved paths arcing down to it. Grass would be dead awful. At one point there was a power lift on one side of the bowl to get cases from street level to stage level, but being on the riverside, the stage has flooded [what?! noooooo! really?!] so many times that the lift has been out of operation for at least a decade, so pushing it is.

The other goofy thing is the layout of the stage. Perfectly circular, so PA placement is kind of weird, but since the production company I was working for has done this a number of times, there wasn’t much of a wheel to reinvent. Plus, as it says in the title, I was a Squint (Lighting Designer if you want to use the technical term) today, so PA placement wasn’t part of my duties.

The one thing this stage does have going for it is that power is easily accessible in multiple locations, so there’s all kinds of options on where to put things.

Squints and Squawks

Lighting for these gigs is honestly pretty simple. I have 8 moving head lights to put on poles for upstage lighting and 8 par cans and audience blinders to put on crank lifts downstage to light the front of the band. Still being somewhat spry and quick, I was up without much trouble. I had a green (read: new) stagehand with me, so there were only so many tasks I could have him take care of without needing to go into a huge amount of explanation. One of my skills I take pride in though is my ability to wrangle a crew of hands, and adjust my plans on the fly based on experience level, so it didn’t bother me too much that the guy was green. Honestly it eased up what I could do since I hadn’t built this rig for over a year (and never at this venue), so I didn't look like such a dunce if I screwed something up. I had a small issue trying to figure out how to run all of the power and data based on what was given to me in the workbox, but I made quick work of it.

Being an audio guy primarily, I was occasionally watching the audio crew. On this blog I try to not denigrate others or this work, as I will probably work with them again, and by putting all this out on the internet, there is certainly a chance that those I work with will ready this. All that being said, audio world seemed a bit of a mess for most of the day. There was a good amount of complaining, not a whole lot of solutions being offered up, and just in general not great communication.

One of the surest signs of things not necessarily going well in audio world is whether or not the Front of House mixer has the ability to talk to the stage monitors from a microphone at FOH. To the uninitiated this seems like a small task, but with shows like these I’ll explain it a little more. For most small to mid-level shows there is only one audio mixer - at FOH (where most people expect it to be). In some occasions it’s at “Front” of house, but at a weird spot or far off to the side (see: The Maintenance Shop), or in very rare occasions is actually Side of House (see a recent blog post). That mixer has a snake run to it from the stage, and that snake contains a good (or sometimes a poor) amount of channels (one per mic or “line”) that go from stage up to the mixer, and usually a number of channels going back down from the mixer to stage, to send the mixed signals from the mixer to the amplifiers, and then to the speakers (both the mains that the audience hears and the monitors that the band hears). A talkback mic for that is pretty simple - you just use up another channel on the board with a short cable to a mic at FOH instead of a snake channel, route it to the monitors on stage and voila, you can talk through the monitors without any trouble. With larger shows (bigger stages and bigger acts), there is often a second “monitor only” console that sits on the side of the stage. The snake has a “split” and feeds all of the same channels to both boards. The outputs of those boards go to different places - the FOH board feeds the mains, and the Monitor board, naturally, feeds the monitors. So what was as simple as plugging in an extra mic has now turned into feeding a mic into the FOH console, patching and routing it (if you’re on a digital console) to an additional send that needs to be plugged into the monitor console, which then needs to be routed to each of the monitors. Not impossible, but several extra steps. Those steps were not taken on this day.

What all this amounted to was that the FOH engineers for the bands just had to yell up to the stage to get whatever message they wanted across. Not always fun, and if I were the FOH guy, I’d be mildly irritated at best. Alas, I was a squint, not a squawk, so back to the lighting desk.

The other area that made me glad to not be on audio that day was the fact that there were four bands in total, all part of a touring package, and sharing a mishmash of gear. One had a full in ear rig, the headliner was keeping all their channels the same, but striking drums, one group was using the headliners amps for their amps, but not the group right before them.... just a whole lot of bouncing around with channels and mics and all that. Back to the lighting desk.

On top of all of that still was the fact that the acts used Waves plugins, which are a bunch of software tools to help tweak the sound in a lot more specific and creative ways. Waves plugins are [were] primarily used in studio environments, where you have a lot of time to fine tune and tweak tracks and recordings, but with the advent of digital consoles (and the improvement of their Digital Signal Processing power), many consoles can run Waves plugins natively, or have some way to tie into a networked computer to run them. This was one such console, which was nice for the groups that had show files ready to go with them. Unfortunately, there was something weird with the licensing and it kept locking up the console. The other quirk about this console is while audio is running, if you want to insert another one of these processors, there is a brief interruption in audio that just makes it sound like the mains would go out. Due to said licensing issues, this happened numerous times throughout the show. The worst part was right at the start of Reel Big Fish’s encore, all of the plugins disabled themselves, which had the effect of essentially taking any clarity or punch out of the mix that their FOH engineer had going beforehand. I will give him credit in that it was an awesome sounding mix, up till that point, and then it just flabbed and flattened out.

An interesting day for audio, and several cases of COBS (crabby old bastard syndrome) going around. Anyway, I’m writing a lot about audio on a gig where I was a squint. Back to the lighting desk.

Going to GrandMA’s

One pretty fun piece about this gig is that I got to really learn a new lighting desk. Learning a new brand of lighting console is relatively complicated. In audio world, there are norms that almost all guys follow (put your drums first, starting with kick and snare, then followed by bass, keys, guitars, vocals at the end, etc.) and norms that most consoles follow (gain->EQ->dynamics->faders->mixes etc.) so hopping from one to the next is generally pretty straightforward. The setup and patching of those consoles takes a bit to learn from one to the next, but the general principles are the same. Lighting is a whole different ballpark. Every console has a multitude of ways to do the same set of things, and those ways differ from console to console, and the preferences differ from user to user. Couple that with the fact that Lighting Design has a massive creative aspect to it, and it becomes relatively difficult to learn a new board. Again, with audio, the goal is “make it sound good,” and without going into too much depth there are a lot of accepted (many disputed) norms of getting particular good sounds. In lighting, the goal is “make it look good” and the world is your oyster at that point, which is a gift and a curse.

I would say that learning lighting is pretty akin to learning languages. Your first one you learn without realize that you’re learning a language. The syntax, structures, and words come to you as a natural progression, and you just learn to get better at speaking and communicating. You learn a second language and you stumble over “this word is that” and “this sentence is built this way” and “this verb conjugates like this in this case, but like that in that case.” You learn the clunky syntactical meanings behind things, often referring back to your mother tongue as “oh it’s like this in this language.” When you get to your third, you understand more about the whole structure of language and the mindset changes back to more of a communicative method as opposed to a syntactical method. In lighting design, the syntactical sentence structures are the different ways that different desks achieve things, but in the end the creative aspect of Lighting Design is the communication part of language. Having only learned two languages, I could be entirely talking out my ass right now, but hey, I think it’s a pretty apt analogy!

The desk I was on this day is called the GrandMA (always pronounced “Grand Em Ay”), which is widely regarded as the most versatile lighting desk out there. It’s both the most requested and most expensive desk out there, for sure. I spent the past week and a half or so crash coursing myself on tutorial videos and playing around on the PC version of their software. Most lighting consoles anymore allow you to work on shows “offline” on PC software, save it to a flash drive, load it up on the desk, and pick up right where you left off, which is really nice. I did that for the MA and had a show file ready to go before I even had left the house. Unfortunately, the software I had worked on at home was more up-to-date than the software the console had installed, so I had to start from scratch, which honestly was a good test of my skills.

Luckily, the band had given me direction on Lighting Design:

Honestly these were great directions - general enough for me to design stuff, but not so vague as to be worthless. I made several ways for the lights to dance, blink, and have a number of different color combos, and I was off to the races. Since the show was all ska and punk, I got to make a lot of motion and color changing happen. And I, surprisingly, was able to get a good amount of haze going and steady on the stage! For those that don’t know, haze is particulate in the air which makes light beams visible. The regular adage is that haze can make $1000 of lights look like $10,000.

The Fifth Element: Uncertainty

Certainly no show is without its set of weirdness, which is amplified in outdoor shows. What I mean to say is we got dumped on with rain mid-day. The radar at 12:35 was perfectly clear:

And then not more than an hour later a big nasty storm had popped up:

The whole day was more than 90º and really humid, so all that heat and moisture just made storms pop up out of nowhere. It was sunny when we started getting rain drops, so we got the tarps out and covered things up. We managed to cover things in time for the torrent to come, but it was still pretty soggy for a while. After it quit raining I took my shoes and socks off to dry out, which they did [slowly].

Bombs Bursting in Air

One last fun little story - this show was on the 3rd of July, so right about the second song of Reel Big Fish’s set a big set of fireworks go off about a street over. The RBF lead singer took it really well and just told the crowd “we’re going to stop playing for a little while and watch the fireworks with you,” which they did. Right at the end of the finale, their trumpet player started playing the Star Spangled Banner, which the crowd (a fairly large one, especially for a monday night!) started singing along to. Luckily the way I had programmed the light console, it was a few button presses to spread my lights out with some red white and blue pointing into the sky. Hashtag Patriotic.

All in all a really fun gig. I got a little irritated towards the end because the truck pack didn’t start until after all the cases were up at street level (it could have started as cases were coming up, but I’m just a mercenary. Above my pay grade), but oh well.

[callumreyesfutureworks2]

Route To Industry

The role in the games industry which I hope to achieve is that of a 3D environment artist. I have always been amazed and inspired by the whole new worlds and environments that can be created by the medium of games. Ever since I have been playing games, the environments within have been a keen focal point of my attention. It is a very frequent occurrence for me to be playing a game only to spend long periods of time simply observing and inspecting the environments when I should really be completing an objective. However the inspiration and motivation I get from well made environments in games is a welcome distraction.

I hope to use this assignment to find out what I need to do to achieve my goal of being a 3D environment artist in the games industry relating to both indie and AAA development. I will focus mainly on the type of skills I will need to be successful and also what my portfolio should include to best demonstrate my abilities and attract possible employers.

My first avenue of research involved looking into the online portfolios of 3D environment artists in the games industry. The reasons for me doing this was to:

- Get a feel and understanding of how successful artists present their work. How important is good presentation in relevance to attracting, impressing and holding viewers

-What type of works should I be including in my portfolio? Should I show a range of works consisting of different styles or should my portfolio be more focused? 

-What software and skills are the people I am aspiring to be like showing?

With these questions and research aims I started to view portfolios.

The first portfolio I viewed was by Clinton Crumpler: http://www.clintoncrumpler.com/

Upon loading up his website/portfolio I was instantly drawn in. Not only from the glimpses of beautifully rendered examples of his work, but also by the professional and aesthetically pleasing layout and presentation. 

The majority of the page is taken up by a variety of Mr Crumplers work which, when clicked, takes you to more of his work related to that specific project. The work on his home page instantly draws your eye and quickly demonstrates his experience and skill set. The render and image quality is very high and the layout is symmetrical. This symmetrical layout was something I found visually pleasing and I suspect that doing this could possibly convey, subconsciously, the notion that Mr Crumpler is professional and organised. The ordered presentation of his work certainly gave me this impression.

The next thing I noticed was the variety of work Mr Crumpler presented. From the homepage you can see that he has the ability to produce assets of different types from landscape to props, to buildings and vehicles. Although it is clear Mr Crumpler mainly works in producing realistic looking/ life-like assets his presented work isn’t repetitive. 

Although the visual style isn’t too varied, in terms of realistic looking assets, Mr Crumpler displays his ability to create high quality work for different themes. The main example that demonstrated this was his work on Gears of War 4 and the “Swarm” assets from said game. Yes, the graphic style was realistic looking, but Mr Crumpler demonstrated his ability to generate very high quality ORGANIC environments, showing his skill set is not limited to the artificial/ man made.

I found this interesting as what it meant to me was that even if I wanted to specialise and focus on a particular art style -at present time I am mainly inspired and motivated by graphically realistic environments in games. Not to say I don’t take inspiration from more stylised games- it doesn’t mean I cant show variety in my work. Seeing this work by Mr Crumper has made me want to start learning the techniques to create this type of organic environment assets.

With Mr Crumpler working on a AAA game like Gears of War 4 I wanted to find out the role he had in the production and therefore the additional skills aside from modelling and texturing I may need to know or could benefit from knowing if I were to aim to be an environment artist on a AAA title.

Mr Crumpler notes “ My primary roles were creation of all the materials, meshes, textures, and some effects for the pods, tendrils, skins, decals, goo, and crystals. I also worked with other teams to establish spline setup, blueprint creation and usage, bio-luminescent lighting, explosion effects, and other aspects of swarm integration and look development for the game.”

This enlightened me as it showed that simply being able to create a model and texture it too a high standard may not be enough. I will likely be required to, or at least benefit from, having skills in these other areas. Although this is a relatively daunting thing to think about, I am glad that I know what may be required of me and I can begin to learn these types of extra skills. This is definitely something that will impact my route to industry in terms of the heights I can reach, I feel.

I began to research information about what the role of being a 3D environment artist might be like on a day to day basis. I found Tanner Kalstroms’ article called “So you want to be an environment artist?” to be a useful read.

 https://www.gametextures.com/so-you-want-to-be-an-environment-artist/

It begins by showing how the working life of a environment artist can be a long and demanding one, especially during crunch time. Long hours and little sleep can be expected when deadlines approach. However Tanner goes on to explain that these times are always bad “ Sure, the video-game industry can have some darkness, some bad PR about “crunch time”, but don’t let that fool you. It’s not always bad, in fact, most of the time it’s the complete opposite. Being an Environment Artist can be a treat. You get creative freedom, you get to indulge yourself, experiment, and try new things every single day”. This was something I was pleased to read as creative freedom, even if limited, is something important to me as one of my biggest desires in terms of working in the industry is to be able see my own work and influence on a game that is played by multitudes of people.

The first skill Tanner speaks about being beneficial and somewhat required for environment artists was confidence. Tanner makes it clear that it is not only important for you to have confidence in your work but also in yourself to speak your mind when you think a decision isn’t correct. This had an impact on me. I am a confident person but sometimes I will refrain from pointing out flaws I see in other peoples design decisions because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. However this made me realise that it is likely for the best of the team and the project to speak my mind when I see something wrong, even if I myself turn out to be incorrect.

Tanner then went onto talk about concept art and how the common lack of it means that I as an environment artist will have to source my own inspiration and ideas for a variety of sources.

“What does this mean to you? Well, you have to be prepared. There are going to be moments where you’re faced with a task and you have no direction aside from a vague “Make something cool.” from your director. This is that moment when you have to turn to your resources, be comfortable searching the Googs, looking through art books (Which you probably should start collecting as soon as possible), and looking through concept art online. You will need to compile this information, you will need to make it into meaningful direction for yourself.”

This information was important to me as sometimes, although I like being able to add my own creativity to my work, when there is no direction uncertainty sets in and my work can take a hit. This is due to me questioning myself whether my design choices are correct. However after reading the article I now know this is something I will have to improve or become more used to.

Tanner closes this part of the article with this “ it’s important that you know that video-game art is not all copying concept art verbatim. It requires you to build, and it requires you as an artist to be at the top of your art-game. This goes right back to the matter of confidence above.” This is something that will stay with me.

Tanner then spoke about the importance of interaction with other artist you work with and learning from them. Those who are not prepared to learn from others will fall behind over time. Learning from others in your studio is something likely to enable a lengthy career. 

I started to read the comments on the article and somebody asked about how should an aspiring artist build their portfolio. This was a question I was wondering myself. Tanner had responded to the comment and mentioned the monthly noob challenge by Polycount. I had never heard of this before so I went to check it out. 

The mothly noob challenge features a challenge for artist to create a 3D environment, based off of concepts provided, within a one month time frame. Those that partake then post their results at the end of the time frame and can compare and receive feedback with and from others.

This is something I think I will definitely start to take part in. Not only will it boost my portfolio but it will also challenge me to create scenes that I might choose to avoid if I was given the opportunity. This will surely increase my skills as a 3D artist and also prepare me for situations where I have to model something out of my comfort zone. 

Towards the close of Tanners article they make a point about the importance of pride in ones work. Tanner makes a statement that I will bear in mind “ people who make those one extra steps happen are the ones that get noticed, and those little details that a prideful worker, and an average worker make are what set exceptional apart from extraordinary.” 

One of biggest statements that stood out to me was “ As a company-runner, and person who helps lead artists I’ve learned that I’m looking for the type of pride in regards to ones work. I can’t stand artists who don’t take pride in their work, who turn in things they’re not proud of; who do not take the extra mile.” This stood out to me because it gives a good insight of what people are looking for when it comes to artist and that I should always be proud of my work, and if I am not then I should improve it.

Looking at Job

I then decided to look at job advertisements online to try and get an understanding of some of the key skills and requirements the role of 3D environment artist frequently demands.

Average salary: £30,000

This was the first job i looked at :https://www.totaljobs.com/job/artist/creative-personnel-job68721553?WT.mc_id=A_RE_IDPPC_MP0_ORG_0

This advertisement was for a AAA studio working on a high end console game which required an environment artist.

The salary stated was £160 per day.

The advertisement then listed the responsibilities you would undertake and desired skills the company would like you to possess.

Taken from the advertisement- 

Your duties will include:

Create outstanding Environment artwork that sets a high quality bar for the rest of the team.

Help others to consistently reach that bar by mentoring and guiding more junior or less experienced colleagues.

Contribute to the set-up of suitable pipelines and workflows, including prototyping, documenting processes and helping to specify, test and drive to quality tools created by the Technical Art and Engineering teams.

This made it clear that this position was not for inexperienced artists. It was interesting to see the extra roles that more senior artists have to take on. You are to lead by example and motivate the more junior artists.

General Competencies:

Experience with cutting-edge techniques and technology related to environment art and a strong desire to stay ahead of the game.

Able to proactively self-organise and prioritise work for yourself and others.

Able to contribute to guiding and mentoring groups of junior artists, contractors, and outsourcers.

Excellent communication skills.

The first requirement of this ties into previous points made by Tanner I feel. It is important that you have the desire and motivation if you want to succeed in this role. 

The second requirement of being self-organised also ties into points made by Tanner. Whereas Tanners example of concept art not always being given was more specific, I feel this shows that you need good initiative and the ability to work by yourself in this role. 

Again communication skills are needed.

Artistic Competencies:

Accomplished at all aspects of environment creation, including sculpting, modelling, surfacing, texturing, with decent drawing skills and a good artistic eye for colour, value, tone, silhouette, etc.

Accomplished at scene building, with a focus on composition and an understanding of how this fits with game design.

Able to contribute to the stylistic development of the environment elements

Comfortable working in a variety of art styles.

This section was interesting as it was focused on the artistic requirements the artist must have. This job seemed to mainly focus on the modelling and texturing of components of the environments. One thing that stood out to me was the desire for the artist to be comfortable in a variety of art styles. This strengthens my motivation to take part in the monthly noob challenge. 

Technical Competencies:

Understanding of tools, techniques, best practices and technical limitations related to real-time environment creation.

Able to contribute to the technical design of systems, to work closely with the Technical Art and Animation teams to arrive at elegant tools and solutions.

Comfortable at all stages of game development, from concept through pre-production to production.

Comfortable working with (and around) bespoke, in-development tool sets as well as with more mature engines and pipelines.

This was probably the main part of the job requirements that stood out to me. The technical competencies are something I definitely need to work on in order to better my job prospects. 

A Specific Company

One of my favourite games for its environment is Dishonored. I spent many hours in this game just looking around at the environments and seeing how their designers and creators brought this games universe to life. I felt like the environment was real and lived in and the atmosphere was palpable. Ever since playing Dishonored it has become one of my biggest inspirations for 3D environment art. Although the art style is not something I tend to go for when creating my scenes, it has inspired me to try my hand at creating a scene with a similar art style.

Arkane studios is the developer behind the game and for this reason I decided to see if they had any job advertisements going for the 3D environment role. I did this as a potential dream goal job experiment to see what type of requirements I would have to fill to be a 3D environment artist for the company.

Arkane Studios listed the following requirements

Requirements

• 5+ years’ experience modeling 3D objects and generating textures

• Deep knowledge of Maya, Photoshop and other asset creation tools (ZBrush highly recommended)

• Exceptional texture creation ability; hand-painted textures is a plus

• Good analytic eye for volumes, shapes, proportions, detail distribution, color and materials composition

• Able to work from photo reference or concept art when available, as well as ability to provide their own

• Able to work within poly and texture budgets

• Strong English communication skills (verbal and written)

• Candidates must submit an online portfolio

The first thing that stood out was the 5 years minimum industry experience. This wasn’t a surprise but it was good to know the time frame I would be looking at before I could get a role in a AAA company of Arkane Studios’ stature. 

Again the need to provide or source your own reference material shows up.

Finally “candidates must submit an online portfolio” this  affirms to me the need to have a strong portfolio. 

Conclusion

So what is my route to industry?

My first goal is to develop my portfolio with the aim to try to create my own website to display my work. I want to take key strong points I felt were present in Clinton Crumplers portfolio.I plan to develop my portfolio by participating in things like Polycounts monthly noob challenge. Part of this is also developing my skills in software such as substance designer. 

Another thing I need to take time to learn is the technical side of 3D environment art. Things like particle systems etc.

I also wish to take part in more social meetups and events to get to know and network with other people within the industry. I have yet to have gone to a Manchester Gamers Unite meetup and I think that will be a good start. 

In terms of actually getting into the industry I plan on potentially starting a small company with some friends in order to get some experience and also for the creative freedom that could come with that. However if that doesn’t work out or my mind changes over the coming year I will likely try to get freelance work whilst applying for junior environment artist roles.

I would also like to take part in game jams depending on how things turn out.