#My issue is not that I can't figure out how to parse it into a serious question

[maeamian]

Hey no reason, but all you cool kids who said stuff like "I'm not autistic, everyone finds it almost physically uncomfortable when the things they are asked aren't actually the question that the asker wants an answer for" I've got a cool online quiz for ya

This may just be the autism speaking, but I fucking hate when customer surveys ask me 'how likely are you to recommend this or that to a friend' because they are lying about what they're asking. I am 0% likely to recommend almost any product to any friend and especially not by brand if at all possible, but what they want to know is 'did you have a decent experience with the thing' and that's a whole other fucking question if you want that answered fucking ask that. Except if I answer the question they're asking instead of the secret question, they yell at their employees on my behalf which I never wanted either. Terrible system, would not recommend it to a friend.

[vladdyissues]

so i keep thinking about just how thoroughly knocking vlad up would fix a lot of his issues (or it does in the series as my ass would write it). i also keep thinking the timing is SO bad on giving him any in the canon

SO

TIME TRAVEL

-Danny (late teens) is given a chance to change the past

-he decides to go and antagonize Vlad a few years before canon to distract him from murder attempts on Jack. draw his wrath onto himself and displace his previous rage target. that's a nice safe range of time travel right? how badly could he possibly throw things off when he already exists and is most of the way to who he was when he was starting out?

-small side effect--he catches Vlad's full attention. he hadn't planned to go after Jack and Maddie for a few years yet, when everything was lined up, meaning Danny is the ONLY one he has eyes for right now. it's a level of intensity he was not ready for

-Vlad, meanwhile, is unprepared for how he feels to see another half-ghost. he had been ready to go those whole 20 years totally alone, preparing for that perfect moment of sweeping Maddie off her feet. now it's a little difficult to focus on the big picture. he needs to figure out EVERYTHING about this stranger

-over a course of about three months, shit gets romantic. and physical. not necessarily in that order

-Danny realizes he's THOROUGHLY fucked the timeline as WELL as his archnemesis, so actually tells Vlad the whole story--he can't stay in the past forever, but his memories of being here and doing this will sort of... snap into place when this timeline's danny reaches the right age. Here's events between then and now, here's things he would like to still happen, here's things he never wants to happen

-he does NOT expect Vlad to wait and they're still in that spicy in-between part of enemies-to-lovers so Vlad sure as fuck isn't promising that, but he's certain he isn't obsessing on taking Maddie from Jack anymore, so looks forward to the option of picking up where they left off

-(dick so good it can fix homicidal rage)

-Danny goes back to the new future at the end of those three months since much longer and he'd start forgetting relevant details in living a day to day life and ohhhhh fuck, fuck, FUCK WHAT DID HE DO

-meanwhile in the past Bitter Reunions happens and Vlad has no desire to do anything to Jack or Maddie besides introduce them to his adorable tiny four, soon to be five year old daughter Danielle, with whom he plans to move to Amity Park soon when she starts kindergarten. openly offers to train Danny with no strings attached, he's just invested in making sure he survives for at least a few more years

-(jailbait wait, but make it sci-fi)

-Vlad is much more chill about things with an attainable goal and a small child that needs him at his best

-he doesn't see his Danny in this newbie, but now he knows the future, knows that if he's just patient and helps Danny out now, HIS Danny will come back to him

-when the timelines eventually sync, THERE'S THAT FULL, INTENSE, ATTENTION AGAIN

-as well as several years of memories of becoming intensely attached to Dani and Vlad being an infuriating jackass without being an antagonizing one, keeping some of that hateful spice without actively committing crimes against everything Danny values. in fact, his help was still instrumental in pulling things off

-Vlad has been waiting for this Danny for some time now, full-on obsession building up steam, so if Danny wants it to not happen, he had better say something about it

-he does not. he kinda dreaded losing it on snapping forward, actually. and Vlad managed to thread the needle of training him and building a bond with Dani without totally shifting their relationship's tone

Time Travel makes me cry because my stupid ogre brain is not good at parsing temporal phenomena but the parts I understood were excellent and make perfect sense. And the thought of Jack and Maddie being surprised (and maybe relieved, because 20 years without a peep from Vlad and suddenly a party invite? Kinda unnerving. Is he still mad?) to find their old college friend is a happy single father to an adorable little girl who—wow, Jack, doesn't she look so much like Danny when he was that age?—is just 💯💯💯

And Vlad knowing that there's something wonderful (a relationship, family, love, connection and understanding like he's never felt before) waiting for him at the end of this journey if he can just be patient would, I think, do a lot to tone down his villainous proclivities.

Vlad's essential problem is that he's so desperately lonely and impatient that he can't see beyond his immediate need to satisfy himself. He can formulate elaborate plans, yes, but he doesn't really plan for the future beyond those plans. He's totally still living in the past (at least until this AU happens), metaphorically driving a car with the pedal to the metal but looking nowhere except the rear view mirror. And this AU totally breaks that and gets him looking ahead, invested in the present again. I love it.

[tgrailwar-zero]

Well, i can think of one person who might have a weapon like that or a clue to a weapon like that, but Gil seems content to sit out for now. We're working on trying to wow him, but it's one of those situations that feels like the right answer is to not push.

If you two are concerned about the Titan, then maybe you'd like to go back to the Inn with us to chat with the rest of the party? We've gathered some interesting, but confusing, info we need to share and parse that might be useful to everyone involved.

More immediate though, Lair Servant Sigurd saw the beam of light from the unsealing and very much thinks we're involved. Correctly, I might add. That's how you can tell we're good friends. Bro knows what type of trouble we get up to. Suzuka-Senpai, how much of this would you like us to keep vague or secret? We'll need to tell him something, no lying to our friends, but i don't want to get you in trouble either.

APOLLO: "Well, I've leave you to figure that stuff out. Right now, leaving is a solid call."

At that moment, you saw the woman that SUZUKA had asked to bring you your new tablet, HINATA, come up the steps.

SUZUKA GOZEN: "There you are! Thanks again for grabbing that tablet for me, by the way. Figured you'd be on the way once you saw the light. You always are on top of things around here, girl."

HINATA: "I see… so that light… you really are leaving, aren't you? The shrine will certainly feel your absence."

SUZUKA GOZEN: "Yep! I'm outie. You're the 2nd-in-Command now. Just make sure Tama… Priestess Aria doesn't walk off a cliff or something while I'm gone. Figuring I'm not there, she'll have to be more careful with how she assigns people responsibility. If she starts slacking off and overworking you, just hit the bricks. You've got my number. I have my issues with your goddess, but that doesn't mean I've got beef with you."

HINATA: "And... should we expect you to come back?"

SUZUKA GOZEN: "Nope!"

APOLLO: "I guess I'll put some of my divine duties to making sure there's a smooth transition. After that, I'm gone too, since I've got no intention of being wrapped up in babysitting Aria. Besides, I can't leave these lovely ladies without even saying goodbye first."

HINATA: "We're always grateful for your assistance, O' Shining Lord Apollo. And... be well, Lady Suzuka."

SUZUKA GOZEN nodded, before swiftly heading down the steps. Further and further from the palace, the shrine, and anywhere else.

There was a moment of hesitation just as she reached the threshold. She held out a hand, waiting for the curse to kick in… and thankfully, nothing happened.

SUZUKA GOZEN: "…Right. Let's go!"

You began walking through the forest path before hearing a voice.

???: "My, my. You really are a troublesome group, aren't you?"

SALIERI: "Ah, is Aria awake?"

You followed the sound of the voice, looking down the forest path. A figure approached, the swishing of robes and the jingling of jewelry accenting her every step. She stopped in front of you, her eyes staring directly into yours, unwavering.

PRIESTESS: "Wrong one, I'm afraid. I know it can be a bit confusing."

SALIERI: "Caster…"

NERO: "..."

SUZUKA GOZEN: "Tamamo! I'm like, soooo flattered that you got off your ass to see me off in person~♡"

PRIESTESS: "Well, when the cursed seal I had a genuine god watch over was suddenly broken, I just had to see what happened with my own eyes~☆"

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "Still, I suppose this is the first time I'm meeting our troublesome Interlopers while they possess a body. And thus, I shall not forget my manners, being able to address you eye-to-eye like this. I am the Head Priestess of the Heavenly Shrine, Tamamo-no-Hime. The one that our Original Self has entrusted the majority of her divine power to. And as Head Priestess, I cannot allow the will of the Heavenly Divinity to be defiled without delivering proper recourse. So the question is…"

She didn't drop eye contact, but you could feel it intensify. Heat radiated off her body, a leaf falling from one of the branches and--

Fwssh.

--Instantly bursting into flame the second it got within an inch of one of her tails.

TAMAMO-NO-HIME: "What shall I do with you?"

[gracemarkss]

my biggest issue with chris carter is honestly that i cannot for the life of me pin down what exactly he's trying to communicate about bodily autonomy and reproductive exploitation. these are clearly central themes of the show and he's got a real preoccupation with women's reproductive capabilities especially. the entire plot under-girding the show is an international government conspiracy in which, in order to fend off an alien invasion or develop military weapons or both, women are abducted, experimented on, and impregnated without their knowledge in order to create hybrid superhumans with weird powers; these women are subsequently tracked and then disposed of via an incurable cancer. i think the show generally frames this as an ultimately fruitless effort, which solves nothing and creates more problems than it solves. this project is evil, medical rape is bad, and what's happened to these women is a terrible injustice. the ends - potentially saving the world, or at least some of it, from some sort of apocalyptic event - do not justify the means.

but then you have small potatoes, post modern prometheus, the william plot. we're supposed to laugh at the woman who genuinely believes she's given birth to luke skywalker's baby. we're supposed to feel sorry for the monster, because all he wanted was a female companion. in both small potatoes and pmp, women who lack the ability to get pregnant otherwise, whether due to infertility or no male partner, are impregnated via rape, and both episodes seem to communicate an "all's well that ends well" message because these women wanted children and they got them. the women in small potatoes thought they were having sex with their husbands; the women in pmp were unconscious; the result was children and that was the goal these women were working toward; everything's find. both episodes have comedic, whimsical tones; neither rapist, imo is truly held accountable for their crimes (even though van blundht goes to prison, he basically gets the last word, and while i find him pathetic i feel the episode wants him to be seen as sympathetic - he's such a romantic, women just won't give him the time of day because he's ugly)

with william, carter obfuscates the reality of his conception and presents the possibility that he is the product of csm artificially inseminating scully while she's unconscious. but scully is another woman who wanted a child, thought it wasn't a possibility, and got one anyway. does it matter that she may have experienced a terrible violation in the process?

idk maybe i'm missing something vital, but i can't figure it out. i can't parse what he's trying to say about these themes that are so central to the story he's writing. rape is bad when it's the government but ok if it's a lonely sad sack guy, especially when it results in pregnancy and the victim really wanted a kid? women should be ok with pregnancy regardless of how it came about?

i feel like carter views women's reproduction as though it's magical or divine and not a basic biological process that exists everywhere in nature (one that in humans does indeed make women vulnerable to exploitation and violence; controlling women's bodies and reproduction results in a great deal of power and that's why governments, cultural institutions, and individual men have been trying and largely succeeding in doing so for centuries - this is a basic aspect of patriarchy). other people have talked about their interpretation of shades of the madonna-whore complex visible in his writing and the hang ups he seems to have around female sexual desire. what's the difference between the women who are abducted as part of the project, who are framed as victims, and those who are violated in sp or pmp, who are framed more as people to be laughed at, and not explicitly as victimized? what's the difference between the men involved in the project, and van blundht and the monster? why are non consensual pregnancies even utilized as plot drivers in these episodes at all? what are they adding? what is he saying?? it just ends up feeling really gross to me.

this is obviously a fraught and sensitive topic. it's just that these themes are so vital to the overall plot of the show and i feel insane that i can't pin down what we're supposed to take away from them, because the messaging imo is so inconsistent and contradictory. maybe there are no answers and this is just a result of sloppy and insensitive writing as a result of the cc and most of the writers room being men and failing to really grasp the magnitude of these topics.

[constellationcrowned]

Everyone needs to read this post please and thank you!!

Rather than make a poll about this ongoing issue that's impossible to parse bc I can't see who picked what specifically I'll do this another way: Help me help you by telling me why you don't actively interact. I post and reblog plenty of content all day every day that can be sent in, utilized, etc and it's crickets from ya'll all of the time and that's frustrating af and we need to work things out.

It'd be a different situation if I never offered stuff like calls or what have you; that'd be my bad and I'd need to work on being more proactive, but I'm already doing that and it goes nowhere. I'm constantly offering to help you guys---like right now, because I know the majority of you have read a post similar to this from me and you're gonna do it again---and I mean it every single time no matter how many times I offer it but on the flip side of things you guys need to actually take me up on what I'm offering.

I'm not offering to help merely for fun, you know? I'm offering to help because I understand that this shit can be difficult, it can be hard to talk to people, hard to interact with super niche fandoms and characters, and so on, and there's nothing wrong with having trouble but after a certain point if you continuously refuse to step out of your bubble or accept someone trying to help you the fear argument kinda loses validity, at least in regards to rp related stuff. I'm extending a hand and you need to fucking grab on because chances are the thing that's stopping you---be it you need help with the characters or the lore, you need me to type the first interaction, we need to have an ooc chat about what interests us, whatever it is---can be resolved but we need to fuckin communicate. I'm already meeting all of you halfway; honestly I've been meeting you guys more than halfway for awhile now, and now you need to step up and get in here.

Now does this mean that I'm going to stop offering to help, providing opportunities to interact through calls, memes, etc? Absolutely not. That would defeat the whole purpose and, again, I love offering such things and will continue to do so because it's not only part of what I need to do as a good rp partner I also enjoy doing so, plain and simple. All that I'm asking is that my mutuals (and yes, this applies to everyone, because even those who've followed me for months or years across multiple blogs fail to engage, it's not just newer folks) be more proactive in general. If I'm offering to help you or posting a call or whatever else? Engage. Ask questions. Send a meme. Tell me you want to interact even if you don't know how and we'll figure it out together. I'm tired of constantly chasing people or pulling proverbial teeth, especially when it's completely unnecessary. Communicate and engage with enthusiasm; both on your own and when I offer, and we'll be writing together in no time. Stop getting in your own way. Stop depriving yourselves. Let's have fun and actually fuckin write together.

[blackjack-15]

no you know what let's keep going

TINA MY BELOVED

EBRA MY BELOVED

every second counts, huh? alright what's gonna waste our time this ep

RICHIE FATHERHOOD MOMENTS LET'S GO

and look at that! he respects the other parent, he talks her up to his daughter...and of course the ex-wife is talking about child support to/around the child. fabulous.

richie, despite his faults as a person, is a really good dad. let's have more of that? please?

"i just needed a break [from taylor swift]" and oh, do we all. tumblr blacklist can only do so much

syd calling? he spending too much time cleaning?

NOPE

"did you really give me a fake number?" oh. what a delight.

oh this little passive aggressive "should my feelings be hurt" thing? yeah what was she, the mean girl in school who just thought of herself as "friends with everyone"?

"mm. no no no. that must have been a mistake" he leads with the truth (the affirmative mm), then corrects to a lie -- a lie in the passive voice, no less. if he was any more removed from her there'd be a court order involved

wow, pulling the "i know where you sleep so you can't run from me" card. Romance. sparkle sparkle.

this conversation is like my local high school. no chemistry.

"just walk me through giving me a fake number" so she's got issues with being told "no". definite high school mean girl

"it wa a mistake. i'm sorry. *beat* i'm sorry" "thank you. i really appreciate that" we've reached the point in the evening where i tell claire to go to hell. earlier than expected!

"is it okay that i have your number or did you really not want me to have it?"

sigh.

see, this is a question best answered by the fact that HE GAVE YOU THE WRONG EFFING NUMBER. millions of drunk dudebros at bars have managed to parse that information and figure out what it means. it's either escaping her -- unlikely -- or she absolutely doesn't care, and is asking now, after she's beat acceptance into him, to be like "see i asked i'm a good person"

also his pause before he agrees apologetically? mm.

"okay say that one more time" a second go to hell! she could enter the hall of fame if she keeps this up.

"are you busy today?" *various carmy noises of hesitation, unsure how to say 'yes' now that she's very neatly placed him a position of apologizing for the guilt of disappointing her* "okay can you like not make this weird?"

i want y'all to know i had to actually step away and breathe. further post to come i need to scream about this, and not in the fun way

[blujayonthewing]

7, 9, 11, 14 for Felix! [Shaking him like a magic 8 ball]

[cowbell rattling sfx]

7. favorite animal? why?

you know, thinking about it, I feel like this is one of the things we have in common lol-- how are you supposed to pick A definitive favorite animal?? there are so many good animals and they all have completely different merits!

he definitely has a soft spot for squirrels, having grown up with a lot of them around all the time. he really likes crows and pigeons; they're clever and friendly, tremendous gossips, and crows especially tend to have a great sense of humor. he also has a soft spot for rats, for a lot of personal reasons but also just because they're surprisingly intelligent and sweet. and all memeing aside, he really is a pretty major cat guy

9. favorite food? least favorite? are they a picky eater? do they have any dietary restrictions?

to say he 'hates' fish is sort of an understatement; for one thing, he hates fish the same way most westerners hate spiders? which is to say it doesn't even parse as food at all, and the idea of eating it is gross on principle. but also seafood stinks and also (alive) fish are so slimy just-- WHY would you--!! he CANNOT with seafood on so many levels, lmao. he is generally sort of a picky eater-- not because he's particularly fussy, actually, he just has a couple of really strong textural aversions :\ he can't do cooked mushrooms at all (frustrating, there's a lot of mushroom in gnomish cuisine), he has trouble with marbled red meat and would rather just avoid it than fuss with it, he's very particular about eggs, etc

he likes apples, especially if they're really crisp. he likes a good grill cheese, which is maybe more of a comfort food than a 'favorite' food per se. There are definitely very traditional forest gnomish foods like spider or rabbit that he doesn't get to have much anymore, and misses whenever he's in the city for a long stretch of time; he does probably have a distinct favorite food, but I'm not sure exactly what it is yet, haha

11. what do they have in common with you? how are they different? would you get along with them?

LET'S SEE. he loves animals and being outdoors; he draws, and carries a sketchbook (I do this rather less than I used to lol I need to get back into the habit). he's really curious about everything and loves learning and figuring things out. he really likes people and being around people, but doesn't feel like he knows how to interact with others-- he's much worse at people than I am, but we very much share a love of hanging around with other people without being expected or required to be the center of attention or 'participate' in something per se. he's very tactile, although he doesn't act on it as much as I do. he's got a non-zero number of Issues that were not intentional projection but coincidentally ended up aligning with some of my issues, which I'm not going to detail too much, partly to not tell on myself and partly because I'm trying to leave some things for justin to find out organically at the table as a fellow player, lol

he's DEFINITELY more proactive and adventurous than I am. a crucial difference is that he's not ruled by fear of embarrassment-- he's absolutely not immune to embarrassment by any means, he just doesn't let it stop him. on a couple superficial notes, I love seafood the most lmao, and felix does not like dogs. he would love big complex board games and hate ttrpgs (roleplaying would make him too nervous) :') for all my awkwardness, I very often have Can't Shut Up Disease, but he's pretty reserved, thinks a lot of thoughts but generally tries to keep them to himself, and even gets completely silent if he's stressed out enough

we would get along so well it's ridiculous lmao. I can forgive him about the dogs if he can forgive me about the sushi

14. are they any good with numbers?

yeah, I think so! he's got a good memory and a good mind for logic and problem-solving; he doesn't know any advanced mathematics or anything but he's generally Good With Numbers

ask about my OCs :3

[wishing-stones]

hii! sorry to bother, but if youre still doing the match ups i also wanted to try

im a very creative person and i enjoy crocheting, knitting and making jewelry but i especially LOVE writing and and drawing, but my biggest flaw is that i get bored easily so i never finish a project i start. it also has to do with the fear of never doing good enough and my lack of energy but my short attention span is the main problem

i can go from jumping around stimming and ranting about my day to silently listening to people talk without saying anything. there is no in between, but i tend to match with the personality of who im talking to

i also am very affectionate. obviously if my partner isn’t comfortable with it i wouldn’t be too close, but i can be very clingy and touchy with people i care about. otherwise (if the physical affection isnt on the table) i need a lot of reassurance and words of affirmation. personally i always think i can be very annoying and that scares me a bit, but when i love someone i love LOVE them so at least im a loving significant other.

im actually italian but with latino parents and my english is pretty good (at least i hope so), so it would be a surprise to find out what language im speaking when im mad/excited/tired.

oh my god i was scared i wouldn’t know what to write and i just realized how much i actually wrote SORRY FOR THE LONG

have a good day i love your writing you always make my day BYE!

Hey! Another creative heart for Ink! He knows intimately the struggles with not thinking your work is good enough, or losing steam to finish it. He hates seeing this (partially out of fear, because too much of that makes the multiverse get quiet, and if it gets abandoned, it's curtains for him) and will do whatever he can to inspire you! He believes in you! What you have done is really, really good, you should finish it! He'll even help you with ideas if you're feeling stuck, he's great at figuring out ways to inspire!

Prepare for a lot of excited chattering, but he can just as easily sit with you in the quiet while you do something either together or separately. He'll always listen to you talk about your day, and despite his terrible short-term memory, is a very good active listener.

Fortunately for you, Ink is also pretty touchy-feely, and loves hugs and snuggles. He also doesn't think you're annoying at all, because... he's very similar. He's very cuddly and likes the feeling of someone else being close to him (so that he knows he isn't alone.) The only issue you might run into is a little reluctance to put the capital L on 'love,' he can't truly feel these emotions, but he at least knows that he's happy around you, which is enough for him.

Ink speaks French as a start, but Italian and French both fall into 'romance languages,' so he could parse it pretty quick. So does Spanish. He knows some words and phrases, but he would love to learn more!

A good secondary option would be Blue for matching energy and for being close. He and Ink both have a lot of enthusiasm, but Ink is the one better suited for someone struggling with creativity. Regardless, if you're with one, you'll be friends with the other!

[mermaidsirennikita]

Ok now that you put it like that I see what you mean better, and I really like the blackmail angle that has some potential. I feel like it would need some work shopping but you could still stick to the spirit of the thing without again bringing in the threat of rape. To me the biggest sicking point would be the Westcliff scene which could be turned consensual fairly easily imo. But I am with you I don't really wanna see this get an adaptation? I'm afraid they would fuck it up for the reasons you mentioned re cast and production values. But to bring it to my original point I've read far worse, now that I really think about it there's maybe a handful of Romance novels I have read that don't have rape, dubious consent, assault, etc. Then again I haven't really read any historical romance published beyond the early 2000s, which is not a generational thing I'm younger than you lol. So in the grand scheme of things yes I do think Wallflowers is fairly inoffensive. Like I would love to see someone try to adapt a Jude Deveraux novel from the 80s in this day and age.

Yeah, I totally get why your POV would be skewed by the books before the 2000s lol. By their standards, the Sebastian thing is skewed. I do think it's interesting to see though, what is called out as rape and what isn't. I'm going to read some Lindseys next year, but I remember Fires of Winter saying, from the heroine's POV, that the hero raped her. And it wasn't the only one? But I don't think I've read any where the hero threatened or did rape a woman who wasn't the heroine, from that woman's POV especially. I really think that's part of why the SVS sticks out more--Evie can't excuse it or reconcile with it, because it didn't happen to Evie? Even though in the grand scheme, he didn't rape Lillian obviously (not to dismiss it, but I do side on the "he wouldn't have done it" argument; not because I think he's a great guy, but because I think he probs wouldn't have been able to perform if she was resistant and he would've ended up like "well, I'm in a tight spot" because a criminal mastermind he is not).

Lol Jude... I love Jude. I think it would be so hard for anyone to adapt Jude, or at least Jude's BEST works, today. And that's a whole other thing, because I think that in romance, there's often this idea that "best" means "least problematic" and... I don't know, man. To go back to Kleypas, I won't argue that her 90s books had more consent issues and hard alpha heroes (I love... Then Came You.... a book where the hero calls the heroine a whore and a bitch lol) but those books to me read as better-written and frankly more interesting on a dramatic level. That's a lot of authors. It's not that you can't write more progressively and interestingly, but imo a lot of historical authors especially right now are struggling to figure out how to parse that out.

The harder answer is "you keep the shit that's trickier to deal with and deal with it", but a lot of people revert to the easier answer which is "pretend that nothing is wrong and just cut anything difficult to write". Which... I don't know. I disagree with, no matter the subgenre.

Which brings me back 'round to: lol that's why I just can't handle a Wallflowers adaptation. I just can't take "cut the hard stuff" as a solution.

[definitely-not-iorveth]

4,7+15 for the pride asks :)

thank you for the ask! :D 💚

4. Are you "out" to your family and friends?

yes!

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family?

depends on your definition of family lol. i don't keep in contact with my blood relatives enough for that.

i am very much the token queer of my board game group, though, and i consider my close friends my real family.

15. How has your identity changed over time?

okay BRACE YOURSELF

i started out as a "regular cishet girl" and i didn't quite question it for a very long time bc i had bigger issues to deal with.

somewhere around middle/high school i realized that there's no difference between how attractive i find boys or girls (nonbinary genders were not a concept i was aware of at the time), even though for SOME STRANGE REASON (gender envy. it was gender envy.) i'd always been drawn to boys more. so, bi, right?

i only seriously started questioning my gender identity around university. i... had a lot of issues figuring it out back then, because while i didn't quite feel like a binary trans man, i had very strong dysphoria over my chest and overall looks - so non binary didn't feel fitting either. (my understanding of the term wasn't very nuanced back then.)

in the end i settled into a trans male identity bc it felt like there weren't any better options.

sometime later i decided to use the gay label bc while i still didn't see the difference between my attraction towards the different genders, i couldn't imagine myself dating women. (still can't, honestly.)

for a time after that, i absorbed more and more queer resources that my brain parsed in the background later, and eventually it clicked that a) yeah i can be non binary with this kind of dysphoria. currently the strongest indicator of my gender identity is: "not girl not woman sometimes guy". i'm definitely some flavor of gender fluid. b) my level of sexual attraction towards all people is indeed equal, but the value is actually zero. hence, asexual.

and this is where i sit today, identity-wise.

Pride asks for fun

[risu5waffles]

Always on TEN Time, Except When We're Not

i never really got too into the meme/IP/copypasta horror stuff in LBP. Not a knock against it, but i was already pretty thoroughly aged out of most of the stuff, or too out of the loop to really get the hook; like Jeff the Killer and whatnot, i knew of, but i didn't really know. It's also, i just think you've got to push the kit a bit harder to get a horror feel from it. Like, you can definitely get horror out of cute things, but you're working at a bit of a disadvantage. Even levels that go heavy in on atmosphere and vibe still have to deal wiv the fact that the player character, regardless of how you costume them, just radiate pleasantness. Impossible? Definitely not. Difficult? Absolutely. But there was that kerfluffle wiv CrimsonFang9's stuff getting taken down recently, some of it having been sitting up on their Earth for actually 10years, and i figured i'd have a look. However i feel about horror levels, they were (are still?) a big part of the LBP community pot. i hadn't realized this was going to be a Nightmare on Elm Street level, honestly. i figured it would just be a general horror; but it still wound up working out. The presentation is all solid, both the "real world" and Freddy's boiler room of doom. The house just sitting in an empty create mode was... eh... but, you know, fine? The Freddy costume too, was pretty nice. i would be lying if i said i hadn't had fun wiv this one, but it didn't give me the spoops either, unfortunately.

This one's actually a pretty decent little survival challenge. Nicely presented environment, clearly defined hazard behaviour, parse-able field, and limited, focused mechanics. Of course i played like crud, but i still had fun. i'm pretty sure the idea for my score bubble spawning ghostbulbs came from here, tho' i'd need to check dates to see if it was just a parallel evolution thing.

It was a real disappointment when this one broke, because it's a real good one up to that point. Some very neat bits of grappling hook gameplay, and lots of character to the level; although i would say the reliance on browns and tans, while thematically appropriate, could leave things looking a touch washed out. Also, positive, but the way they had that one bounce pad climbing section timed out so the next train would be right beneath you when you hit the apogee of your jump? Chef's kiss. But then we get to the break, and it just breaks. It feels like a pure physics issue, but... it's weird? Usually, unless the bit has been just set up horribly wrong, leaving the level and trying it again can kind of joggle things a bit? Like, what ever random bits of timing and impact that added up to something not deploying the way it should won't in another circumstance. We saw that back in... i think it was called Golden Chain Reaction? i can't find the episode number right now. Anyway. Like, looking at the video now, and i'm pretty sure those are just regular bolts, so i can't figure why they don't just drop wiv the momentum. The could be spring bolts set too tight, but that feels like something Porkyfern should have noticed? There was one try where the bit was juuuuuust about to swing out enough that gravity should have taken its course, and at the last moment popped right back up again, and i was a little crushed.

i really wound up liking this one. Very straightforward as far as gameplay, but lots of little mechanical interactions, and a good sense of momentum throughout. But what really sells it for me is that great music track, and the implication that the decorative elements are synced to it. i say implication, because i have exactly no rhythm, so i honestly can't judge it on a granular level, but i kinda get it well enough that if you can make a good show of it, i'll usually buy in. i feel like saying Just Shapes and Beats is one of my favourite examples of the genre is a slight on the devs, but i really did love that game, and how they worked the music into things.

This level... Like, presentation-wise, it's a solid example of a common style i've always liked. It doesn't really push it much, but it does it well. The gameplay is pretty fun. i've always liked using the paintinator as a tool for level interactions, as opposed to just going shooty on enemies (also, a lot of creators do a terrible job judging how many hit points enemies should have before it stops being fun, and starts being spongy-boring). Some of it was actually pretty tricky, tho' that felt heavier on the front end, when it should have been on the back. By all rights, very solid high end of mid-tier (i don't mean mid-tier disparagingly here, either; i've found a lot of levels i've really enjoyed that may not be quite polished enough to be top of the pops). But then you get to that level break, and i still don't know what the heck is going on there. chronos says that's a thing that can happen wiv Attract-o-gel, and i trust him on the point, but i've literally never run into it before. And the way it just totally bricks the run if you die there even once. It was just serious weirdsville.

We talked about this Friday, and it's just as awesome now as it was then. Go play Sacklantis.

[ed.'s note: see below the part II video]

i wound up bundling the gameplay levels wiv their respective cutscene counterparts, just to keep the Archive a bit tidier, and because the parts flowed into each other so well (honestly, if i had been xSLEVENx i would have published the second part of each set as a sub-level, so you wouldn't get the scoreboard break in there). That being said, i love these levels. The story is engaging and the character interactions are pretty cute. The robo-buddy as an actual object is quite well put together. The both play very well, wiv a clear, if gentle, difficulty curve; and the presentation... just *mwah*, so good. This is probably just selective perception, and it's definitely anecdotal, but i feel like sci-fi levels tend to go heavier in on visually busy environments, generally to the detriment of presentation. Lots of decorations, lots of heavily textured materials, and it's just so easy to get lost in it all. i feel like it's a hard balance to hit between "this is a recognizable sci-fi place" and "ok, but now i can't tell what's going on," but Obscurity pulls off the whole thing quite deftly, and it was a delight just looking at. Did have a bit of a funny sequence break in the first one, where you can skip a whole chunk of gameplay if you're willing to do it in perfect darkness. i wonder if i still have that b-roll lying around. i have to ditch stuff pretty quick, because the ps4 only has so much space on it.

This one took a lot longer than it should have, because i was trying to read everything, and my Japanese reading ability is, at best, passable; but i really wanted to know if i could get the joke. i guess the joke is... grampas are inherently funny/creepy? Something something maybe it's funny if you have the cultural background? The level itself is fine. Pretty kludgy, but it is an LBP1 meme-level, so that's to be expected. The boss was kind of neat wiv needing to slingshot to hit it, using momentum and physics and all. i mean, it was also a total pain in the ass, but i did appreciate it. Eh... not every Jside level was a winner, even if there was a solid density of great creators.

i really should have bundled all the Neon Dimension levels together, but when i first started the Archive, i felt a little leery about giving too much space all at once to one creator, especially one who is also a good friend. Which, typing that out feels also shitty and unfair to chronos, so... yeah, i just should have bundled them all together. i think of the main ND levels, this one is my favourite. It really nails the whole "level building itself" vibe, and keeps things very visually clean and parse-able. The gameplay is super fun, and the secrets were a nice, neat addition (i did ask chronos some pointers so i could definitely get all of them in the recording, but i'm pretty sure i've found them on my own before. They're well hidden, but not impossibly hidden, which i feel like some creators struggle wiv). i'm honestly a bit shocked this one never picked up a Team Pick, because it is really a super high quality level.

------------------------------------------------------

So that's our ten for this go about. Some real winners in there, if any of the folx reading are still actually playing. Tomorrow's my day off and there's nothing i absolutely have to do, aside from a little editing that i'm going to make a strong go of getting done tonight. There are a few things i probably ought to do, but these last few weeks have been pretty intense emotionally, both in the good ways and the not so good ways (i feel like it's important to let y'all know i do have very good days sometimes, and even the very bad days aren't an all the time thing, they just kinda feel like they are, you know?), and i really want a day were i can just chill. i finally managed to get This Is How You Lose the Time War (it was a whole thing where, i couldn't buy it on my iPhone, but it turns out i could read it on it, but i had to do the actual purchase off my paperwhite for... reasons, i guess? Which meant i had to find where i put the darn thing, and then charge it, 'cause i haven't used it forever because i have the fucking Kindle app on my iPhone <pant, pant, pant>). i'll probably sit down a restart reading it from the start. i like what i've read so far, but reading it in momentary chunks while working the register is maybe not the best way to appreciate what's going on. Or, given the subject matter, maybe it is? It's no good for my absorption or memory, tho', that's for sure.

[fandom-hoarder]

rav used the meangirls-y anti bs to raise real concerns, clearly a bad move IF she actually thinks there are real concerns. I was there for the argument that drove z out of rav's server and uhh. rav deleted the logs after lashing out. rav was incredibly condescending and reactionary to z specifically often. I'd be worried to call her level headed or promote her personal beef, from my POV. both sides lack credibility or clarity.

I'm not sure exactly what your premise is in this first sentence, anon. Rav's post didn't use anti language or the meangirl tone of davy's group, and rav's post IS the most level headed post *I have seen* about the situation, because she talked about REAL experiences without slinging around the types of (as far as I've seen, STILL unwarranted) dog whistle accusations davy and them were, and other people I have similar respect for commented about their similar experiences WITHOUT RESORTING TO DAVY'S TACTICS.

Also, just as an aside, it's really funny to me that someone would complain about rav being condescending but not zxro. This is a nonstarter.

I'm not even involved in this. I didn't interact personally enough to know definitively who did what and why. I wasn't in ANY of those servers or DMs! Therefore, I have to rely on my best judgement according to the information I do have, the people I trust to give me good faith information based on past experience, and the small amount of interactions with zxro that left me uncomfy.

I've spoken to people on the sidelines like me, ostensibly on zxro's side if by nothing more than circumstance, and I can't really blame them for still liking zxro or his writing, or wanting to defend him from the very dangerous accusations davy and them were spreading. If they haven't had or seen the negative interactions other people have, they're likely just doing their best to figure out the situation, same as me. Their personal biases towards zxro will inevitably play a part in their perspective, but that is just human nature. I have no beef with anyone in zxro's circle at this point, unless I see similar bullying behavior to what davy's group is doing.

I've spoken to rav briefly about this situation, and read her post about it. I totally understand why it would be difficult to address this issue before; it can be agonizing to parse when something IS a big enough red flag that you should warn people about before something huge happens. Because not everyone's red flags are the same, or at the same levels, and because this fandom is already rife with clashing personalities, and because of thousands of other micro-reasonings we all rely on to get along every fucking day. So, while I think it's unfortunate it didn't come out sooner and in a different way, I also don't blame rav for not making a callout or something.

You're on anon, and I have no fucking clue who you are, so why should I just take your word over rav's?

But I'm not even here to play he said she said. I already said in my original post that I'm not happy with EITHER SIDE, so did you come here to reiterate? I don't want to be involved with either side -- and here I am talking specifically about the people involved in the bullying campaign of zxro, but also zxro! I'm not into any of this drama, and I don't feel a loss at the idea of not seeing zxro OR davy OR angel on the dash, or anyone else that wants to continue dragging this corpse through ANTI BULLSHIT. I am cutting my fandom losses.

I honestly don't know what the best way to address the real issues would've been, but the way davy's closeknit group did it was the WRONG way. Anyone throwing around the terms of pedo and 'cp' immediately discounts anything meaningful they may have to say, because I can't trust that it's in good faith.

Idk how to make you understand that it isn't ok to accuse someone of being a pedophile just because they're dating an adult you think they're too old for!! Idk how to make you understand that calling underage fanfiction 'cp' is harmful both because it's an incorrect, outdated term AND because the premise of the accusation is false. AND because the people that do that KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They don't like that content and think it makes you bad, or that the thing they're mad about isn't bad ENOUGH so they have to spice up their bad feelings post with EVIL BUZZWORDS, because that will immediately get their followers attacking the thing they don't like because "*gasp* don't you care about the children?!" Oh, hello U.S. Republicans. When did you join SPN fandom??

Wake up, babe, new fandom factions dropped.

It really doesn't matter if there are truthful accusations about predatory behavior beyond the dog whistles at that point, because the premise of the accusations being spread through tags and replies was just a vengeful dogpile. It just looked like a friend group's petty argument that got nasty, rather than a pattern of behavior to be aware of. And a lot of the people NOT in the know who were concerned about the language being used, and the level of accusation, were told "it's an open secret" -- which it very much WAS NOT, as proven by all the confused DMs I've received. Y'all aren't as famous as you apparently think, jfc. I dont even know what your server is called and it's not the only one for wincest, thank fuck.

I only hope that after this whole thing, people will be both more aware and more mindful of how they're approaching interpersonal problems in fandom. I truly do not want to see new cults form here. The heller cults are enough for one fandom. 🙅‍♀️

[neverhangd]

Belated Sinday? Questions for Anne:

1) Is Anne kinky? How is she kinky, if so. 2) What makes sex an enjoyable experience for Anne? 3) What's the best sex she's ever had in her life? If all of it has been shit - then what's her fantasy? 4) What's her energy in bed? (Top/bottom/switch/domme/sub/etc.) 5) Does she have a preference in partners?

BONUS I am tossing Marin and Westley's name in for the surprise. They're glaring at me. Too bad for them.

Only if you feel like it though.

orion gets me ♡ || the crowley show!

Let me preface this by saying that I am still very much exploring Anne, so all of this should be considered at least somewhat mutable unless otherwise stated.

Well I can't imagine her vanilla, if that's what you mean. There's a sad combination of a dearth of experience and really shitty partners within that dearth that make the extent of kinds weirdly hard for me to parse through, but I've figured out a handful already. Anne is a sub, though she also service tops as needed (? - unclear). She really isn't into anything too painful--rough past experience, consider that mostly immutable--but I think she could try most things for most partners. Including injuring them to some slight degree, if that's what they're into and they ease her into, IZZY. Group sex is considered kinky and Anne's polyamorous and sometimes uses sex as an expression of social bonding. I can't say if the entire lifestyle is for her, but a lot of the trappings of BDSM--bondage, d/s themes, safe words > no, etc.--are very appealing to Anne. Fun bonus, as long as you don't almost die doing it, she's a great Battle Partner and will get frisky watching you kick ass. (...and other generally pirate things, we've learned, but I don't want the non-pirates simping for Anne to feel left out. ;P)

-laughs in backstory- Uhm. Sorry about that. So "enjoyable experience" has to here be taken as "why does she continue to have sex even with the trauma and the drama surrounded by it," the answer to which might actually surprise you. On the one hand, sex is a social bond, a moment in time in which Anne is able to give a piece of herself she'd otherwise keep locked away. Besides, it's an easy, she'd say "mostly painless" way to connect with somebody else and give them something they're lacking, at least in that moment. She's gone such a long time feeling that she has to justify her worth and using sex as an easy means to do that to anyone who "cares" for her. It's only recently Anne's begun to tell the difference between lip service and meaning that, though, and she's incredibly wary of anyone she can't immediately peg as lying to her--because she's come to assume most people are. And on the other hand, Anne wants to like sex. For all her usual reasons: it isn't ladylike, it's vulgar and crass and obscene, the people in her life have always enjoyed it and have always seemed to have an easy time with it, etc., and she has gotten herself off, thank you very much, so she knows its possible to orgasm and can take care of the issue solo.

She's finally getting some that doesn't suck now, does that count? Listen. The only reason the dash on the whole has been spared Anne's tragic fuckery is because I'm still splitting my time on other projects. To say it's been shit is the understatement of the year. The problem is...the worst of it happened during a developmental period for Anne. So on top of having really fucked up social/romantic relationships and a shit-ton of sexual problems to boot, her idea of a sexual fantasy just ends up being really sad and painful because she just wants something nice. Someone to say they love her and mean it. Someone to come back again and do it for her, not because she's convenient or willing or some shit. Before James and even early with him there were silly things almost like fantasies she wanted--the zing of a kiss before or after battle, while adrenaline is high; sex where they might get caught, laughing and shushing each other; a whole, wakeful night to themselves with only the stars to report back what happened; a cliche she'd now deny with her dying breath, but just being together with their feet in the wake and seemingly no one else on earth--but between him and Jack, Anne hasn't really let herself explore what there is to be wanted out of life. Because that means admitting that the freedom she found isn't freedom at all.

She would tell you she's a switch if she'd tell you she's anything, and she'd be lying to your face to protect her own ego. Mostly. Anne is a sub but there have been moments when it's occurred to me that in a...if not healthier than at least less-abusive?...relationship than she's ever been in before might open her up more to explorations. Like sorry to swerve hard to kink out of nowhere, right?, but there was an instance of knife-play between two people Anne has an interest in (...it's complicated), and despite almost having an identity crisis after realizing she really isn't a dom/top, she very quickly realized that with some patient teaching/adjustment time from/with a partner, she would absolutely do that. Especially, I think, in a situation with multiple partners, she could figure out how to dom/top in a switchy, fluid way. I honestly think the ideal for her would be a thruple with one person who is Normally Dom/Top and one who is Normally Sub/Bottom and her floating vaguely between bottom bitch and middle bitch. XD

I can't tell if she leans towards masculine slash androgynous people or if that's just been the majority of her experience, so like. There's that issue. I can say shit like this bitch weak for a commanding presence, yeet!, but that doesn't really narrow down her type since, like I keep saying, she's a sub and a service-happy one at that. Can I trade this question out for another? I'm gonna trade this question out for another.

Although I don't think sexlessness would suit her, especially after she starts moving away from dickbag partners, I do think Anne could have a contented and loving relationship with a primary partner even without sex. So that's nice. ♡

[pxrxllel]

no heartbreak! (03/10/24)

Omg it's been over a year since my last entry. Happy to report that things turned out for the better. We tried to break up after our jaunt in Peru and I was ready to move on because I'd accepted the reality of the situation, but he didn't. We spent a couple of months in limbo with me figuring out what I wanted and him working on himself to be better for me and address all the issues I had with him. In the back of my head there's still some lingering doubt, but I don't think there's anything we can do about it except live and learn, a risk I'm still learning to try to accept. But we reunited in Italy and France to spend his birthday along the mildly warm Mediterranean, gorged on aperitivos with his Italian friend from Australia, read each other extracts from digital maps, made love on a tiny houseboat in Cannes and on the cliffs of the Calanques, spoke average French with all the locals who seemed to appreciate our efforts. I didn't feel a sense of dread this time, or ever since then. I came back to New Zealand and we entered the power struggle phase with him preparing for his thru-hike, and it was difficult, especially when he eventually left and went long stretches without talking to me. I was a little worried our relationship had suffered some permanent damage from it, but we bounced back alright and last week I came back from spending 3 weeks roadtripping 3000km across British Columbia with him. He built me a bed in his car that we slept in most nights, I met some of his family and friends, and learned so much about where he came from. If I'm honest, I'm both more appreciative and apprehensive of our relationship after this trip. Appreciative because we really do have a great time together wherever we go, and apprehensive because our backgrounds are literal worlds apart and there's so many lifestyle and cultural differences to mount. I'm constantly torn with anxiety about things not working out, especially since we've promised each other so much, and if we're just kicking the can down the road. I know I can't live in fear though, because nothing good ever comes out of it. He doesn't seem to be very worried. I asked him before I left if he thought we would be together forever and he told me If that's what you want.

I just feel like we're so soul-aligned. We couldn't be more different in terms of our jobs, upbringing, friends, backgrounds, but I swear we're such similar people. We're interested in the same things, I've never had so many common interests with any boyfriend. We both feel the same way about the way the world is going (he's more pessimistic though) and what the world needs to heal. We're lit up by the same things. There's lots of little things that irk me but there's nothing big or major that I can see. We have similar dreams. I'm so energised by the idea of spending my life parsing every corner of the world with him. He does whatever I ask him to, without being a pushover. He's good at the things I'm not, and I'm good at the things he's not. He teaches me how to start a fire and how to rock chop vegetables, and I teach him how to use a spreadsheet and how to place a semicolon. It's so different for me to be with someone so drastically different, but I'm enjoying the ride. I know things will turn out the way they're supposed to, but I hope I never have to go through a heartbreak again.

[fenrislorsrai]

Flossing

after many years, I finally figured out WHY I can't floss using a mirror but can do so elsewhere.

I've got some noticeable facial asymmetry and nerve damage from Lyme disease when I was a kid. The mirror flip is giving me contradictory info vs my fucked up facial nerves. So brain gets stuck parsing that info and then fucks up the actual process. Sorry, system misalignment.

So, anyway, if you have a similar issue where external body does not match brain internal mapping of "how body" and are having trouble doing a task like flossing, brushing, etc, in front of a mirror.... try it without the visual input. THAT may be why this task is so hard. . Reduce the contradictory input and surprise, It's just fine!

[skadf1]

I also think that in the context of "see how today's problems will be tomorrow's disasters," Butler points out that the data is all there to see how the minor crises we faced in the past are starting to become bigger crises now and all out disasters sooner than we might think. A prime example of this is climate change. Scientists have been telling us for years how badly we are hurting the planet and now with every day we continue to ignore it, we come closer to the point of no return.

I definitely can see how lack of context can make the tone difficult to parse out (especially as a neurodivergent person myself) and there are people who take it both ways. There are definitely politicians on all sides who will weaponize a statement like this to say exactly what people above were saying: "I didn't create the problem" and "well it's you who need to do something! As for what that is, you figure it out!" to push the blame onto people for the problems they may not have caused, but now have no desire to attempt to fix.

But I also figured Butler meant it in the way described above, that everyone can do something to help, but that something will look different for everyone, and is better than doing nothing at all. I think of a Marxist quote "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need." And yes, he is talking about economics here, I think it applies here as well. Although everyone has a different ability to get involved in fixing societal problems, and the needs of each community will look different, we all have the capacity to make a change in a positive direction.

I also agree that it is hard to know where to start and difficult to feel like even a small thing you are doing makes any difference. I obviously can't tell you what to do or even what would help, but starting with local issues has helped me as well as things that I experience that I don't like and want to change.

Anyway I could just be rambling, so take anything I have to say with a grain of salt, but I just wanted to share my thoughts as well. I also have the tendency to come off as rude a lot too, but that was not my intention with this either.