#My exams are lurking and I'm trying so hard to study

[littleblueberryartist]

GIRL HELP MEMORIZING STUFF WITH ADHD WORKING MEMORY ISSUES IS HELL

if anyone has tips I am literally on my knees-

[st4rlight707]

Contact High

HAII this is my first time trying creative writing so i apolgize for the pacing i tried my best so pls be nice!!

Tags: College AU!, Caleb x fem!reader, comfort fic, possessive thoughts, drug use, swearing, smut!!

(also let me know if there are any other tags I should add!!) and the playlist is a lil something i put tg and listened to while writing!!

12:47 a.m. That’s what the clock reads when I finally look up from my phone. First night of spring break, and I’ve spent it bedrotting and doomscrolling instead of studying—fully aware exam season is lurking just around the corner.

I sigh, peeling myself off the bed, and wander downstairs for a glass of water. That’s when I saw him.

Through the kitchen window above the sink, out on the back patio deck, sits Caleb. A black hoodie pulled low over his head, his face dimly lit by the flicker of a lighter as he shields the flame from the late March breeze. A blunt rests between his lips.

My Caleb.

He’s smoking? Since when does he do that? Is this his first time?

He checks his phone absentmindedly, the glow illuminating the underside of his face. For a second, I just watch him; at least 3 minutes pass like that, with me watching him scroll through whatever has his attention on his phone, smoking like it’s just another night. All I can wonder is, how long has he been smoking? When did he start smoking? Who taught him how to roll a blunt? The thought of him smoking out girls at parties or in his dorm at the DAA creeps into my mind.

I forcefully slide the back patio door open, suddenly feeling enraged by my own thoughts. Caleb jumps a little, surprised by the noise, and sees me standing there. He gives me a look of a kid who just got caught doing something they aren't supposed to.

"Shit, Pipsqueak, you scared me," he says with a smile tugging at his lips, and sets the blunt down onto the ashtray in front of him. "Since when do you smoke?" I say, pulling his hood down and crossing my arms, the irritation in my voice undeniable. “Why are you mad?” Caleb asks, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into his lap. He smells like weed and cologne, his eyes red and his lids heavy from the high. "`You ask like I just committed a crime," answering my previous question. "I don’t do it that often, just… when my brain won’t shut up," he continues.

"So you're out here smoking alone? And what's keeping your mind racing this late anyway?" My eyes flicker to his phone; I can’t help but wonder if someone at school—a girl— is influencing my Caleb.

“Pipsqueak, relax,” he says, voice low. He seems to pick up on it immediately. He always does; Caleb could always just read me like that. He runs a hand slowly down my leg like he’s trying to calm whatever displeasing thoughts were buzzing under my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. "Yeah, uh… guess I didn’t expect to get caught by you, of all people." He scratches his head a bit, clearly trying to play it off, but embarrassed from being caught red-handed. "So you are embarrassed." Unable to resist teasing him in a state like this. “A little." He says, tips of his ears visibly red, "I mean—you’re like the one person I didn’t wanna see me like this.”

A dull pang of guilt settles in my chest.

He didn’t say it in a way that was defensive or ashamed—just honest. Like he really cared what I thought. And for some reason, that hits me harder than I expect.

“Why won’t you try taking a hit? It’ll be fun,” he suggests, leaning in a little, eyes still low. “Let me show you how to let go for a second."

It wouldn't kill me to try it once, right? Plus, I'm with Caleb, and he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

Sensing I’m close to giving in, he grins just a bit wider. “There she is,” he murmurs, reaching for the blunt. He relights it, it had gone out sitting untouched in the ashtray—and brings it to my lips.

“Just breathe in slowly,” he says softly. “I got you.” The first inhale burns. I cough—hard. Caleb lets out a quiet laugh, clearly amused. “Damn, Pipsqueak,” He pats my back, his palm warm through the thin fabric of my shirt "I didn't think you'd hit it that hard"

"Holy shit, do you get use to that?' I asked in between smaller coughs. Lungs still stinging from the smoke, his touch lingers, his hand gently rubbing in slow circles. Comforting. Casual. Except it’s not, not to me. "Eventually," He says

Goosebumps race down my spine as he takes the blunt back, fingers twisting the ends of my hair—almost absentminded. The closeness wouldn’t usually faze me, but it feels different now. Caleb takes another hit and turns his head away to not blow the smoke in my face.

Maybe it’s how his shoulders have filled out in the past year. Or maybe it’s Tara, my dormmate, constantly pestering me about how I need to catch a dick.

She was always saying things like, "How have you been living with a guy that hot and haven't jumped him in the laundry room already?" I always rolled my eyes, swore it wasn’t like that. But now?

Now he's sitting here with smoke curling out of his lips, his hoodie riding up just enough to show a sliver of skin and the faint line of his happy trail disappearing beneath his waistband, twisting my hair between his fingers like it’s a habit, like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. And now I can’t stop noticing how his hand looks resting on my thigh—bigger, steady, and familiar, but not in the way it used to be.

I can feel my heart start to race after this realization, but I'll blame it on the THC entering my bloodstream before I acknowledge my attraction to my childhood best friend. “You’ve changed,” I mumble before I can stop myself.

Caleb raises a brow, exhaling smoke as he glances over at me. “That a good thing or a bad thing?” "I don't know," I admit, a bit too honestly. He gives me a look I can't quite decipher. "Tara's been getting to you, hasn't she?" My head shoots up to give him a look. “Shut up.” “I’m right, though,” he grins, all smug and a little too satisfied with himself. “She’s been planting ideas in that pretty head of yours.” His hand trails up from my back to massage my neck as he offers the blunt back to me.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” I take it from him and confidently take another hit. He laughs softly, eyes still on me. “Look at you, getting high with me on the back porch like we’re in a coming-of-age movie.” I look away, trying to hide the blush that found its way to my face, but he can feel the heat creep up my neck anyway.

His fingers find the ends of my hair again, rolling a curl around his knuckle. This used to feel safe. Simple. But now... with his thigh pressed against mine and that look in his eyes...

I feel a heat start to build between my legs, and I shift awkwardly, squeezing them together in a weak attempt to ease the tension. Sitting in Caleb’s lap definitely isn’t helping physically or otherwise. He picks up on this, too. "Are you uncomfortable?" voice low but cautious, like he’s not sure if he should move or stay perfectly still.

“No,” I say, maybe too quickly. “just... adjusting.” He raises a brow “adjusting, huh?” “Don’t start,” I mumble, face flushed. He chuckles under his breath, teasing me. His hand settles lightly on my hips, fingers flexing just a little like he’s testing the waters.

“I mean if you wanna get up,” he says, quieter now. “You can.”

I don’t move. “You want me to?” I ask, in almost a whisper. His grip on my hips tightens just slightly—not enough to hold me there, but enough to say I don’t want you to. “No,” he says finally, voice rougher than before. “Not really.”

He takes another hit from the blunt—just a stub now—and something reckless stirs in me, probably fueled by my high or my jealousy issues. Or maybe it's the way I’m suddenly aching, clenching my thighs against the growing tension low in my belly.

Before I can even process it, I shift to straddle Caleb, now fully facing him, heart pounding in my throat. I can feel him—his clothed erection brushing perfectly against my core, sending a sharp wave of heat through me.

“Shit,” he mutters, his hand instinctively moving to my thighs. “What're you doing, Pipsqueak?” I don’t give an answer, I just reach for the blunt, and bring it to my lips. One long, slow inhale.

His eyes go wide, pupils blown and glossy. “Fuckk,” he breathes. And before he can say anything else, I cup his face in my hands, leaning in, and exhaling the smoke into his mouth, lips barely brushing. Caleb inhales the smoke like it’s second nature.

His hands slide higher, gripping my hips firmly, and he pulls me down against him—my whole body pulses at the contact, heart thudding so loud now I’m sure he can hear it.

"Fuck," he murmurs, his voice raspy from the smoke. “You have no idea what you're doing to me right now.” I bridge the gap between our lips and kiss him passionately, throwing my arms around his neck to pull us closer together. The blunt falls somewhere forgotten behind me as I grip his hoodie like it’s the only thing keeping me tethered.

His lips are warm and a little dry from the blunt, and I can still taste the smoke on his lips. Caleb makes a soft sound in his throat, almost like a groan, and pulls me in tighter. His fingers dig into my hips, not hard, just enough to ground us both like he needs proof this is really happening. I feel the muscles in his thighs tense beneath me, feel the way his body presses up into mine.

The high makes everything feel softer but heavier. More intense. I can’t even tell if I’m breathing too fast or not at all.

His lips leave mine only to trail kisses along my jaw, then lower, stopping to whisper against my neck, “You’re driving me insane, Pipsqueak.”

Good.

If I could climb inside his skin, I would. I love that no one else gets to see this version of Caleb—the real him—the Caleb who laughs when I say something dumb, the Caleb who treats every bump and bruise like he’s my personal doctor. The one who lets me crawl into his bed after a nightmare and never says a word about it the next morning. The one that’s mine, even if neither of us has said it out loud..

Dragging him impossibly closer as I kiss him deeper, rougher, until our teeth bump and his breath shudders against my lips. His tongue slides against mine, and I groan into his.

I grind against him again, slowly, deliberately. Feeling just how hard he is, cock barely restrained by the thin fabric of his basketball shorts. Caleb's hands find their way under my shirt now, cupping my breast, and I arch into him shamelessly. His thumbs brush across my nipples a few times, now stiff under his fingers. I bite back a gasp, burying my face into his neck. The scent of smoke and skin feeling familiar and dizzying all at once.

“You feel so fucking good, baby” he mutters, voice rough and half-broken, and I can feel the tension in him—he’s holding himself back. His hands move down, gripping my ass, guiding me to rock against him again. Faster this time. Harder. “You don’t even know,” he says, the words thick with need.

I smile, just barely, drunk on power and weed and him. “Then show me.” He kisses me again, my hips rolling on instinct, chasing the friction that has my head spinning and my toes curling.

Neither of us says a word, but everything is loud—the sound of our breath, the low hum of music still leaking from his phone speaker, the rustle of fabric, the creak of the patio chair beneath us.

Every time his hips push up to meet mine, it gets harder to stay quiet. He drags my shirt higher, mouthing at my collarbone, then lower, lips grazing the top of my chest, leaving heat in his wake, he groans into my skin.

“You’re mine,” I whisper without meaning to.

Caleb pauses for just a second, breathing hard against my chest. “Yours,” he repeats, voice rough and low. “All fucking yours.”

My breath hitches, the words settling deep inside, and I kiss him again. ike I’m trying to brand the taste of him into my mouth. Our rhythm slips into something more desperate, more frantic. My hips grind down harder, slower, dragging out the friction that’s quickly unraveling me. His cock presses up, stiff and hot through his shorts, perfectly aligned against the ache between my thighs

Caleb’s hands slip beneath my ass, kneading the soft flesh, using his grip to control the movement—rolling his hips up to meet every grind of mine. I moan into his mouth before I can stop myself, and he swallows the sound like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted.

“Fuck, Pipsqueak,” he breathes against my lips, voice wrecked and loving. “You’re so wet—I can feel you through everything.”

“You gonna come like this?” he whispers, lips brushing mine. “Right here, on my lap, just from grinding on me?”

I nod, barely managing the motion, my whole body trembling with how close I am. “Caleb—” I gasp, digging my fingers into his shoulders, desperate for something to anchor me.

“I got you,” he says, holding me tighter, pressing his forehead to mine again. “I’ve always got you.”

I roll my hips once more, and everything in me goes white-hot, crashing and clenching around nothing but need. I moan into his neck as the orgasm rolls over me, wracking my body with shivers and aftershocks.

Caleb holds me through it, never letting go, murmuring something against my temple—something I can’t quite hear over the pounding in my chest, but I feel it. Every word. Every touch.

When I finally come down, still trembling in his lap, he pulls me close, pressing a lazy kiss to my cheek. His hand strokes my back in slow, steady circles, grounding me again.

“You’re really not getting up now,” he says with a crooked grin, voice hoarse and smug.

And I don’t want to.

Not tonight. Not ever.

[bookie-bookdust]

Secret For One ✒️

One should always carefully examine the labels of the items they are, ahem, borrowing. -or- In which using some anti-cheating ink accidentally reveals to the entire seventh year class what you and Seb were up to before your Herbology exam (kissing – the answer is kissing).

(This was my first ever HL one shot when I forced my introverted ass to actually post something. I can't believe how much time has passed - this was 11/2023. I didn't know a single person in the fandom and had been lurking since the game released. And now I'm here, more insane than ever😊) Pairings: Sebastian Sallow x You/Reader Word Count: ~4400 Rating: Teen Read it below the cut, or at ao3/wp: (MASTERLIST)

It wasn’t uncommon to use the Undercroft for studying especially after curfew.

You had a nasty Herbology exam bright and early tomorrow. It was meant to be a mere pathetic taste of the N.E.W.T at the end of the school year, and your notes were beginning to look like runes.

You rubbed your eyes until little lights danced in your vision. “Ominis had the right idea going to bed. I’m exhausted.”

“Don’t let him hear that,” Seb murmured, peering up at you from his textbook.

“What? You think all the other times we’ve forced him into premature graying wasn’t proof enough he’s usually right?”

“No. I don’t think so.” He grinned.

Ominis had excused himself hours ago, in a sour mood after receiving a letter from everyone’s favorite dark aristocratic family, the Gaunts. It’d left you and Seb to the candles as they slowly dripped down to nubs. They at least helped with the coldness of the space, and you always managed to sneak in one spiced candle so the Undercroft smelled of cinnamon. Ominis had given one hard warning not to set the place in flames before storming out.

“These Mandrake illustrations are beginning to look like caricatures of Prewett.” You sighed, slamming your textbook shut. “What time is it?”

“Late enough to hallucinate Leander Prewett.” Seb tipped back in his chair, smirking at you with tired eyes.

In the candlelight, the hazel glowed almost black. His brown curls were ruffled, his collar askew, and tie undone. The smallest sliver of chest showed as he absentmindedly fiddled with his top button. You swear you spotted the same freckles there that splattered his cheeks.

Merlin, how did he always look so good? You’d been asking that question for the last two years, and you still hadn’t found an answer.

You poked at the fraying edge of your textbook, biting your lip. “We should probably head to bed. Last time we pulled an all-nighter we almost went to the wrong classroom.”

“Sharp loved that,” he scoffed. “Do you know after class he casted a sobriety spell on me?”

“No,” you gasped, sitting up. “You never told me that.”

“He really thought I’d be drinking fire whiskey at 8 in the morning. It still baffles me. I would love to know if he had the instinct to check me because of a prior experience.”

“Do you think Sharp used to be a bad boy?” You cackled at the thought.

“Trying to sneak a look at feminine ankles dangling from their stools in potions? Of course.”

“Ankles.” You snorted, remembering Weasley’s lecture she’d prepared earlier in the year on the proper rules for society witches now that they were seventh years. The ordeal had left you fending off fantasies of a certain freckled Slytherin with a penchant for dark magic. You’d avoided him for two whole days before you could calm your blushing cheeks.

“How many times have you seen my ankles?” you asked.

Sebastian flashed you a hilarious face, half amusement, half absurdity. “Why, I believe they’re burned into my retinas. Though so is you blasting some witch who only knew the levitation charm off a cliff.”

“I wonder what would make Weasley faint first.”

“Ankles,” he said matter of factly, nudging yours gently from under the table.

You kicked him back, and he caught your leg, squeezing your skin with his burning hand before letting it drop.

Damn, damn, damn. Your ankle tingled all the way up. Why did he have to go around doing things like that and expect you not to fall right out of your seat?

“Alright. Enough about ankles. Let’s get going.” You forced yourself to focus on stacking your notes and books and not on that little sliver of his shirt that seemed to open more each second.

You grabbed your quill, hesitating on the ink you’d “borrowed” from one of the supply closets in the DADA tower. You should probably return it. Tomorrow after the exam. Then you’d take another trip to Hogsmeade to update your ink stores.

Maybe you could make a trip out of it. Invite Poppy along with Seb and Ominis. It’d been your own personal project trying to get Ominis and Poppy to speak more after you’d caught them blushing in Muggle Studies about Muggle matrimony traditions. Maybe Seb would help. He enjoyed torturing Ominis.

“Have you noticed how—”

Seb yelped, a crash making you spill your notes on the floor. You nearly dropped the ink pot, saving it in seconds.

He’d tipped too far back in his chair and now lay flat on his back. Eyes wide in surprise, he started laughing.

“Are you okay?” You rushed over to him.

“Maybe you’re right. We need to get to bed.”

You offered a hand, and he awkwardly unfolded his legs from beneath the chair. “Thank—”

You stepped forward—right on your notes. The floor disappeared beneath you. You toppled over him, the ink spilling across both of you.

“Dammit, I am so sorry,” you cursed.

Merlin, Seb radiated heat like a furnace, and your arm was somehow caught behind his back and…Get off him! You forced yourself up on your knees.

“It’s alright. No major injuries.” He insisted. “Just some ink.”

 “Let me…” You scrubbed at his shirt, smearing it worse. “There’s surely some stain removal spell. Do you have another school shirt in the meantime?”

He grabbed your wrists, stilling your panicking hands you just now realized you’d been rubbing all over his chest and stomach. “I own more than one shirt.” He laughed. “It’s alright.”

You straightened. “Right. Of course you do.” Your attention fixed on your hands, stained black. “Well, let’s get this cleaned up before Ominis has a conniption.”

You moved to stand when his fingers tightened on your wrists.

“What—” Your mouth snapped shut.

You two were close. Very close. Mere inches apart, one of his legs at your side caging you in, his other tucked under him. You leaned forward on your knees so you naturally tipped forward.

Seb stared at you, and you stared back. The freckles dotting his cheeks and nose seemed darker, the candlelight flickering in his eyes. You fixated on the small scar at his upper full lip from fifth year. He’d earned that one from one of the Ashwinder camps.

The last time you’d been this close, he’d fallen asleep, head plopping in your lap when you’d been rained out in a cave last year. You’d been forced to sit on your hands to stop from stroking his stupid hair.

But this time he was awake, and his eyes studied you in that way he studied everything. As if you were a dark book he still hadn’t cracked. A forbidden spell he needed to cast. A secret he wanted all the power himself to wield. Had he always looked at you like that? Surely not. You couldn’t remember. You couldn’t think at all right now as the heat of his body rolled over you.

He tugged you closer, and your chest thudded against his, your heart screaming in your chest.

“I, uh,” you stuttered, licking your lips, and it made his eyes flick down to your mouth.

“You have ink on your chin,” he murmured.

You blinked, barely processing his words before his lips met yours. You sat motionless at first, two different sections of your brain warring; one in denial that this wasn’t another one of your embarrassing dreams, the other, screaming to kiss him back.

He released your wrists, moving to your hair. The sensation spread goosebumps down your arms, and your eyes drifted shut.

You responded instantly, mouth opening to him, hands prying at that stupid little crevice of skin between his buttons.

He jumped. “Your hands are cold,” he murmured against your lips.

“Sorry.” You pulled away.

“Come back,” he frowned. He grabbed your hands, pulling them deeper into his shirt as he fumbled with the buttons.

You gasped at his smooth warm skin, leaning forward before you could stop yourself, planting a kiss at the base of his neck. You’d never been so obsessed with freckles. The constellations of them running along his chest. You’d trace them if you hadn’t dumped the rest of the ink already.

“Fuck,” he groaned, digging into your hair again to pull your face back up to his. His fingers teased the hem of your shirt, and you pressed closer, your legs going to either side as you straddled him.

He slipped under your shirt, his hands burning as they traced up your back. You moaned into his mouth, shivering even if the Undercroft was suddenly scalding.

More. In the dreams this kept going, and you found your hands working automatically to yank his shirt over his head.

Merlin, forgive me. He kissed down your neck, teeth meeting the corner of your jaw and—

A slam of metal made you jump apart. The high squeals of Peeves laughing from somewhere above you in the DADA tower echoed through the Undercroft.

Your breaths calmed, and the two of you locked eyes for a long, silent moment.

“You have ink on your chin now.” You cleared your throat, smoothing your hair down. It’d been pulled straight from its pins, and you could not care less for the first time in your life. You were sitting in Sebastian Sallow’s lap, a mess, in the middle of the night. His mouth was looking well-loved, his skin unbearably soft, and you did everything not to tackle him to the ground.

You kissed. Kissed. More than kissed, really. After pining for years, you’d somehow ended up snogging half asleep in the Undercroft. What did this mean for the two of you now?

Seb wiped his chin with the back of his hand. “All that ankle talk really got to me.”

You shoved his face away, laughing. He grabbed you by the waist, yanking you down with him so you pressed against him. You brushed his curls from his eyes, and Merlin they truly were as soft as they looked. What conditioner was he using?

“I have nothing clever to say for once,” he murmured, studying your face. His eyes were calm, reverent in the candle glow. How a devil looked angelic was beyond you. For once you could openly gawk at him, and it wasn’t considered ill-mannered.

“Nothing at all?” you gasped. “I’m shocked.”

“Alert the Prophet, I know.” He rolled his eyes. “I always thought this would happen in the Undercroft, but for a while there I was banking on a damp old cave in the highlands.”

You sat up. “Wait. You’ve wanted this?”

He leaned on his elbows, eyebrow raised. “Is that so hard to believe? I didn’t do that for scientific discovery just now.”

You swallowed hard, unable to look at him suddenly as you thought of Weasley’s lecture. A witch should seek a courtship. Any premarital acts are frowned upon even in wizarding society. While they’re not as strict as Muggle tradition, there are certain rules that should be followed.

Woops. That was out the window.

But what would your classmates think if you strolled into class holding hands? Could you deal with the teasing? The watchful eyes?

“Let’s not tell anyone about this,” you blurted out.

He blinked, contemplating for a moment before nodding in agreement. “Sure. That would be for the best. Wouldn’t be able to sneak around the castle anymore with people paying closer attention.”

He had a point.

“Let’s clean up the mess. Ominis will faint if we leave inky fingerprints all over the place.”

A quick cleaning charm did the trick as if this had never happened. Seb’s steady kiss was the only proof convincing you this wasn’t another one of your horny dreams.

Would you have to tell him about those? Absolutely not.

You sat, tucked against each other, talking well into the night.

***

You shifted, and your neck protested with a sharp ache.

“Ugh,” you grumbled, rubbing your eyes.

Where were you, and why did it feel like you’d been sleeping in the corridor?

You surveyed your surroundings, taking in rows of melted candles, pillars, and the triptych.

The Undercroft.

Something shifted beside you, tickling your cheek. Sebastian Sallow nuzzled into your shoulder, his shirt still askew.

You squinted at the clock.

The herbology exam.

“Wake up!” you shouted, stumbling to your feet as Seb jolted awake with a yelp.

“The exam! We fell asleep.” You fought on your boots, your tie, tossing Seb his uniform robe. “Hurry!”

He blinked, dazedly, following your instructions without question before the last of his sleepy fog left his brain.

“Oh shit.” He flung a stream of curses, fixing your tie and smoothing your hair as you tripped out of the Undercroft and into the DADA tower.

The two of you rushed to class, nearly taking out a Hufflepuff Prefect who threatened detention behind you. You would have laughed if it were different circumstances.

“Go!” You shoved Seb. He grabbed your hand, dragging you behind him as you stumbled down the steps to the atrium and through the greenhouse.

You caught yourself as you entered the classroom, straightening your robes and sweater, and taking a moment to calm your heavy breathing. Your classmates glanced at you with brief interest before returning to quizzing each other.

Gone were your typical pots and supplies, and each stool held a roll of parchment and a feathered quill and ink pot.

“Good luck,” Sebastian murmured. His hand grazed yours for mere seconds, but you might as well had misfired an incendio spell how it licked your body in heat. You itched at your cheek, hoping no one noticed you blushing.

“Good morning, my lovely pupils.” Professor Garlick swooped in from behind you, pinching your cheek before ruffling Garreth’s hair. She floated across the greenhouse to her podium.

It was too much energy for this time of morning, and it made you think once again of the constant whisperings of what plants Professor Garlick sampled to make her so pleasant all the time. Whoever cracked that secret would make a fortune.

“You will find twenty questions before you, and you will have the remainder of the class to complete the exam. Please answer in complete sentences; at least two paragraphs for each section. Once you are finished, you may exit the greenhouse. Do not wait for your friends in the atrium. The plants will tell me. You may begin.”

She snapped her fingers, and the scrolls unfurled.

It was a grueling hour.  You swore half of the content hadn’t even been addressed in your readings, and you felt your heart sink with each question you left a strike beside to go back and review. This would not end well.

You were in the fictional portion of your exam—which meant completely pulling nonsense out of thin air and acting as if it made sense. Some students had finished—Ominis of course with a haughty smirk—but not many even with little time left in class.

“Excuse me,” Garlick’s voice rang through the quiet. “Why do you keep looking at your sleeve, Mr. Prewett?”

The scratching of quills stilled.

“I’m sorry, Professor.” Prewett tugged his sleeves down over his wrists. “There was a…beetle. It was distracting me moving about on the table.”

“Hmm.” Garlick tapped her chin. “I’d love to give the benefit of the doubt, but revelio.” She swished her wand, and you felt a zap along your hands. It wasn’t like ancient magic, no. Not at all. This was worse. Much worse.

“I’m sorry, Leander. The ink doesn’t lie. You have notes written on your arm.”

But Leander’s pleading was drowned out by a fit of gasps and giggles.

You gaped at the ink staining your fingers and palms, your clothes. Obvious handprints molded at your waist and chest, and you tugged your robes closed. They were the same marks from last night you’d spelled away. Your gaze snapped to Sebastian. He wore the matching stains on his own hands, up his neck, his chin, even at the corner of his mouth.

Oh Merlin. Oh no oh no oh no.

You stood abruptly, your chair crashing behind you as you desperately scrubbed at the ink. You grabbed the ink pot, the same you’d taken from the supply closet, reading the label as an anti-cheating variety.

How could you be so stupid?

There was no mistaking the stains. Anyone daft could guess you’d…

“Partaking in some extracurriculars, you two?” Garreth giggled, and you would have hexed him if you weren’t busy shielding yourself.

You’d been through harrowing, life threatening events. Ranrok, dark wizards, a goblin war, inferi, abduction, even death, but none had ever made you feel like this. As if you’d forgotten to put pants on this morning and stood at the head of the Great Hall singing off key.

Seb let his head dip toward the ceiling as he sighed, scrubbing his face. It gave a better view of all the marks on his neck. “By Salazar…”

“Class dismissed. We will deal with your essays later.” Professor Garlick raised her voice over the chatter, casting another spell as the parchments snapped closed, the chairs dumping the students from their seats.

“Mr. Prewett, I will detail your punishment in my office in one hour. You two, with me.”

Seb met your eyes, fighting his sheepish grin that you refused to return (and failed) as the corners of your mouth twisted upward.

And you’d been giggling over ankles. This? This would be the scandal of the year.

Garlick magicked two chairs beside each other and directed the two of you to have a seat. Seb sat closer than expected, his knee brushing your leg. He nudged your ankle with his boot, and you resisted the urge to kick him.

“Well, you weren’t cheating. I suppose that’s a positive.” Professor Garlick glanced over the ink splotches before casting a different spell to clean them. You’d have to remember that one. “Anti-cheating ink. Very helpful for tests. Especially big ones like the N.E.W.T.s. Professor Sharp warned me about your sticky fingers.” She cast you a sharply raised eyebrow with a smile. “But I thought Aesop was just being Aesop.”

Seb shot you a knowing look, and this time you did kick him. You’d had this conversation many times before. You’d developed the—hobby, as you liked to call it—of taking loose items. Even if they were loose behind locked doors and chests. If no one was going to claim them, why let it all go to waste? You’d only been caught a handful of times, but it saved you supplies, galleons, wardrobe items…it wasn’t hurting anyone. Except your own reputation now, it seemed.

“You’re lucky it was me and not Professor Weasley. She would have dragged you both to the Ministry for a marriage certificate.”

Seb choked, and you sank in your chair.

Why? Whyyy? You wished you could kick her too. Instead, you blushed, mortified, unable to even stomach sneaking a peak at Seb’s face.

“Oh, look at you two!” She clapped her hands together. “You both light up as red as tomatoes when you blush. Can you imagine the squishy bright cheeks your children would have?”

“Professor!” you hissed, sinking further in your seat. At this point you’d be under the table soon.

“Yes, yes, I suppose that’s enough, isn’t it? You’ll be dealing with the teasing enough from your peers. I will have to deduct ten points from your houses for theft and disruption of class. Now off you go. A whole exam scrapped.”

You stormed ahead, but Seb kept up with you easily. He looked rather cheerful for being caught, and you groaned.

“I am so sorry.”

He laughed. “Was all of this a ruse to take me off the market?” He smirked, eyes glittering as he tugged at your tie. You tugged his back harder, and he banged into you, having to catch you both from smacking into a Venomous Tentacula.

“No! I lost my last pot of ink, and I’d spotted some in a supply closet and thought I’d borrow it until I could get to Hogsmeade.” You sighed. “I didn’t think to read the label.”

“A kleptomaniac, if I’ve ever seen one.” He winked. Why was he being so calm about this? Were all boys the same? One good snog, and you could hex them and they’d still be grinning like fools.

You exited the greenhouse, and a crowd waited in the atrium. You nearly turned on your heel back into the classroom when the onslaught of howls and whistles greeted you.

“About time! When’s the Save the Date being sent out?” Garreth called, and Natty shooshed him.

“I better be invited.” Natty nudged you as you passed, and you shot her a withering stare. She shrugged with a grin.

“We will never hear the end of this.” You squeezed through the crowd.

“Not unless Hobhouse does something stupid again,” Seb murmured too close to your ear, and you jumped when his hand found yours. Did he like this attention? You’d thought it was a mutual agreement to keep this quiet, yet he basked in the teasing, playing along as you stared red faced and dumbfounded with no witty comebacks. So much for being clever.

Ominis appeared at the back of the crowd, the tip of his wand a red beacon, the guiding grace out of the masses.

“Thank goodness, Ominis.”

“Undercroft. Now,” he whispered, and you and Seb followed helplessly behind him.

***

“I’m speechless.” Ominis paced, and Seb caught your eye with a smirk. You heard those same words almost weekly, yet Ominis always found something to say regardless.

“Ominis—” Seb began.

“Shush!” Ominis pointed his wand at the two of you. His face was twisted in a scowl, striking against his carved features. “Traceable ink! Snogging when gossip of courting is at an all-time high. And in the Undercroft of all places!” He sniffed. “Desecrating a place like this. The audacity. This is a safe place. Are you two mad? Do you know what you’ve done to her reputation, Sebastian?”

“The Hero of Hogwarts? Troll hunter? War ender? That reputation?” He pinched your side.

You shoved him aside. “We were going to keep it a secret.”

“Oh please. The two of you would have been caught snogging in a broom closet by the end of the week. You’re about as subtle as Peeves.”

You chucked a pillow at him, which wasn’t fair as it hit him square in the face. Ominis cast a hex in the wrong direction. It bounced off a vase, and you dodged the rebound.

“He’s not wrong,” Seb murmured.

“Honestly, the two of you,” you huffed, exasperated. “I am an adult. I can make my own decisions, thank you very much.”

“What are you two going to decide now then, hm? The entire castle will know by noon that the two of you had your actual fingerprints all over each other.”

“Keep up appearances, I suppose.” Seb slung his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close and planting a kiss on your cheek. Your heart nearly leapt through your throat.

“You’re being very calm about all of this, Sebastian. Are you sure you didn’t plan this?” Ominis asked.

“How could I?” He shot you a charming smile. “You think I’d really dump her remaining ink, knowing her klepto tendencies that she’d carelessly steal an anti-cheating ink pot without reading the label? Distracting her so she’d spill it over the two of us and then make my move so we’d be revealed to the class?”

You blinked back at him, dumbfounded. “When you word it like that…”

“I’ve had enough of you two.” Ominis grimaced. “I’m leaving. Do not expect any damage control from me on this one. You two can solve it for yourselves. Professor Weasley will be on you faster than a starving hound. Hope you’re prepared with an excuse.”

“Love you too, Omi,” Seb called after him.

Ominis waved his hand dismissively, muttering under his breath.

You said nothing else until you heard the gate closed.

“So how long would you like to wait before we make appearances again?” Seb asked. “Skip classes for the day? We can go to Hogsmeade. Or the Forbidden Forest. Your choice.”

You ripped from his hold, searching the Undercroft.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for my last ink pot.” You shoved some books out of the way, checking beneath cushions, behind the triptych, but there was no sign of it. “That speech of yours was a little too detailed.”

“You really think I spent all that time setting this up?” he laughed, drifting to your side.

When you ignored him, he stopped you in your tracks, turning you to face him. “Not even a revealing charm? I’m insulted.”

“Good idea.” You cast revelio, but no ink pots appeared.

“You’re delightful when you’re delusional.” He took your face in his hands, thumbs tracing your cheeks. “Is it really so bad the whole school knows I like you?”

You paused, a silly smile spreading across your face. “You like me?”

He tilted his head, grinning. “I thought that was obvious at this point, Love.”

You searched his face for some sort of joke or trick, but at his earnest eyes you relented. “Damn you, Sallow.” He laughed at that, pressing his lips to yours. “I guess it isn’t the worst thing that everyone knows. I just wish it wasn’t in such an embarrassing way. At least all these witches know now if I catch them ogling you again, I’ll hex them into an early graduation.”

“Ogling me? Who?” He raised an eyebrow with a wicked glint in his eye.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No, now I have to know.”

“Absolutely not!”

You broke away from him, and he chased after you between the pillars until you tripped over the victimized pillow you’d hurled at Ominis. Seb met you halfway, and you found yourself pressed against him, kissing him as if you’d been doing this for the last two years.

What you didn’t know was behind the tallest stacked crates near the Undercroft entrance, some splattered ink stained the inside of a dusty old vase.

[lemonflowercat]

winter ❄️

hello from the underground

just want to take a moment to say how much I've missed being here - by here I mean actually expressing myself on Tumblr instead of lurking in the shadows, mining motivation off of studyblr hahahah

this winter has been a long one - and I'm talking winter in a very meta way, because in actuality it's been a gorgeous monsoon in Goa. in the setting of its green glorious abundance, my life has been quite the apocalyptic winter - bleak, cold and barren.

kudos to me for hibernating/ploughing through it, holding on to the hope of a promised spring.

ik ew but pls I'm writing after long and all my brain has to offer is cringe

but really. I've made it past that nightmare of an exam I've spent the last 3 years of my life working for. almost everything I've done has been done with the aim of making my mind, body and environment the best possible place to study in. and - by the standards of myself and society - I've failed quite spectacularly. (the extra ✨️spectacle✨️ being that I dropped another year to repeat the exam, in the hopes I'd fare better, but I actually did worse)

and now I'm here, not just picking up the pieces of 11 y/o lemonflowercat's dream that I tried so hard to make real, but also the consequent mental and physical collateral damage my health has suffered in this 'trying'.

everyone tells me and I tell everyone that I gave it my best. but on the inside I'm still counting the hours I didn't study, the days I signed off maybe too easily? the times I let my emotions get the better of me, the times I let things that don't really matter in the big picture bother me. all the things I didn't do the way a textbook MD preppie would. and I guess I never will really know if I gave it my best. all I know is it was hard, and I did what I felt like was easiest for me in that moment. and if that's not my best - well, it's in the past now, what can anyone do about it?

I think the mourning has come to an end. winter is still here though. everything is empty, harsh winds without direction.

there's something so raw, wild but also soothing at the same time about being in this place. it feels like I'm one with my rock bottom - I kiss the earth in acceptance. I melt into it. things look different from down here, and I low-key love this view. I feel small and I like being small. it's weird, ya know?

I guess I'm also just happy to have time for myself again. there's so much to rebuild - my entire life needs spring cleaning. ffs I've been stuck here so long, I don't even know if spring will ever come. but I'm ok. in my little burrow, making pinewood fires and simmering cinnamon tea. at my rickety table starting small, starting from scratch. lowkey excited because I'm an explorer with no direction whatsoever and if there's no destination to get to...

...you can't be lost, can you?

[ow2requests]

Fluff with Cassidy x neutral/masc leaning reader having a (college) study session? Been stressing over my master's program and could use some wholesome reading!

a/n: hello anon, thank you for being the first one to request! I hope you liked this short, sort of chill oneshot, let me know!

Studying With Cassidy (not really because Cassidy distracts you)

A small yawn escaped your lips, your fingertips ghosted onto the pages of the textbook you had been revising off of. Your eyes lazily skimming through the blocks of texts that laid in front of you.

You were too tired to process any of it—too exhausted.

There was no way you would survive this year of college. Exams were right around the corner, and you felt that no matter how hard you studied, you would never get it.

You couldn't help but feel helpless.

It wasn't a very encouraging train of thought, you knew that all too well.

You had been following a rigorous studying regimen, attempting to get in front of whatever you could—some days you felt it was all in vain.

You caught glimpse of the time in your peripheral view; 8:56pm.

The library's gonna close soon...Might as well continue at my dorm... you thought to yourself.

Letting out a disheartened sigh, you stuffed your textbook into your bag, slinging it over your shoulder haphazardly.

And with that, you departed, and went off to your dorm.

———

Once you stepped foot into your dorm, your grip loosened on your bag, allowing it to fall to the ground with a thump—quickly reaching in to grab your textbook so you could get back to studying.

"Hey darlin'." A voice you knew all too well suddenly erupted from behind you.

Cole!

You relaxed at the sound of his voice, a smile graced your features. "Hey." you awkwardly replied.

"Did I scare ya?"

You snorted, "Nah. I'm just surprised you're lurking in my dorm around this time." You offered him a fond smirk. This was a common occurrence for the two of you, Cassidy normally liked to spend time in your dorm when he wasn't busy doing whatever he does.

A brief moment of silence passed, Cassidy laid down on your couch, taking off his hat and placing it on the couch— making himself comfortable.

"What're ya up to? I haven't seen ya all day today."

"Well…Exams are coming up, and I'm trying to stick to my studying schedule." You explained, you found yourself feeling guilty for not spending as much time with Cassidy as you wanted to. "It's been stressful, and I don't know if I even have the energy to keep reading this stupid textbook." Holding up the textbook, you emphasized your frustration.

With a sympathetic smile on his face, Cassidy chuckled. "Lemme help ya, then." He stretched his hands out, inviting you to cuddle.

The urge to touch him tingled in your fingertips as your face heated up. Walking towards him, you placed the book on the couch's armrest and laid down next to him, feeling his arms snake around your waist, pulling you closer.

You couldn't help but feel all fuzzy and gushy inside, this was exactly what you needed.

His calloused hands gently caressed your cheeks before moving down to squeeze your shoulders. "Arent'cha the cutest thing? Yer’ all flustered." With a coy smirk, he teased you.

It took some courage for you to clear your throat, trying to overcome the shyness you felt around him. "Cole, are we studying or not?" You mused lightheartedly.

As he grabbed your textbook, you both began reading through its contents. As Cassidy asked you questions about your coursework, cracking jokes periodically, observing your deep concentration and listening to you read, he couldn't help but chuckle silently.

He only thought of one word: Adorable.

Soon enough, Cassidy began reading outloud.

Something about Cassidy's voice always soothed you, his honeyed and suave voice was enough to make anybody fall head over heels with him.

You nuzzled yourself deeper into his chest, arms draping around his large frame. You found yourself completely blocking out the information, and instead you were being lulled to sleep.

And soon enough, you were fast asleep.

“Whatdya think this means?” Cassidy furrowed his eyebrows in contemplation at the information in your textbook. While Cassidy did not comprehend much of the topic you discussed, he was impressed with your ability to answer all his questions.

Suddenly, there was silence.

“Darlin’?” he whispered gently to you.

His gaze fell on your sleeping, serene face, and he paused to stare at your unconscious form with amusement and surprise.

Did his voice relax you to the point that you fell asleep in his arms? Or did you fall asleep simply because you were bored?

He’d oughta ask you when you wake up, but for now…

Keeping his arm around your waist, he continued gently stroking your head while holding you. Taking a deep breath, he shut his eyes, surrendering to the influence of fatigue and soon falling asleep.

It might have been easier for him to wake you up, but you looked so peaceful and cozy all curled up.

After all, you two could always study another time.

This was one of those moments that he wished would last forever. You and him, relaxed, and with no worries.

[foxymoxynoona]

Hello foxy! How are you? I think I‘ve been MIA for like a month? Feels like an eternity. I’ve been lurking undercover in the meantime and I’ve been keeping track of everything you’ve posted so far so I can read it and enjoy once I’m in a better headspace. September started wonderfully since a family member passed away (Yep, another one, what a great year) and I’m honestly emotionally exhausted 😅 I spent these weeks trying to keep myself as busy as possible and then randomly bursting into tears and it’s frustrating as fuuuuck because I’m usually always rational and in control of my emotions so being all over the place is very new and scary and I don’t like it😵‍💫.

Anyway on the happy side I did my last exam for the first year😭❤️ (and if you have an idea of how (disorganized🥲) Italian university is you would understand how hard it is to do 7 exams in the actual span of an academic year so i’m very proud of myself 🎉). It was my English Exam and the reason I’m telling you this is because I mentioned you out of panic☺️✌🏻. There was a speaking assessment with a mother tongue teacher and as I was speaking he stopped me and asked me if had ever been to the US because of my accent (okay so telling you this is embarrassing AF because it feels like I’m bragging or that I think I’m the most important and unique English speaker in the world I SWEAR I DON’T PLEASE I HATE THIS EHEIIESJS. I have a strong American accent [which is probably not even an accent to you 😅] and erased any trace of “foreign” accent because I learned English when I was very young by hearing it on tv shows (hence, all the mistakes I make are because I learned grammar by hearing it in speech and never actually sat down to study it🤡) and everyone was American so that’s how I pronounce words now lol. Thank god you we can’t talk in person or there’s a chance you could humble me real quick😂). Anyway I explained it to him and he said “well but I’m assuming you have some American friends you keep in touch with” and don’t ask me why (maybe because you’re the only American person I “know” lol) I thought about you and I was thinking “okay so we never talked, I don’t know what her voice sounds like, don’t know her name and for all I know she could be a fever dream and never existed in this timeline” then I panicked and told him “yes, she’s a writer. Her name’s Rachel.” So now your name is Rachel. Take it or leave it🤪.

🌸

You have not missed much around here, it's the longest I've been quiet in two years 😭 I think I've posted like one thing a week for the last month or something, it feels pitiful, I'm so sad about it.

but OMG that story is so funnyyyyy. Didn't I give someone in one of my stories a girlfriend named Rachel? Maybe? Or did you think of Friends in your panic? Either way, it's so funny. But I'm not surprised your professor can tell you regularly speak to people in English, your English fluency is so natural seeming! Rachel haha. I wish that was actually my name and I could be like "woah that's crazy you guessed it!!" 😂

My voice is muppety and somewhat accented, unfortunately, despite my trying to completely shake my regional accent 😅

[mika-goes-to-uni]

Study With Me - Midterms, 1st Year 2nd sem Ed

3.2.19 \\ Saturday \\ D8

Midterms is lurking in the shadows again, waiting for its turn to devour innocent students. I promised myself 2019's gonna be a stress-free year as much as possible therefore even if the professors didn't tell us the coverage for the exams yet, I decided to put on my full gear and get ready for the battle!

1:47 pm → I have to leave early every day for class so, on weekends, I'll try to catch on my lost periods of sleep as much as I can. Saturdays usually start at 11 am for me. As always, planning my day is a crucial part of my life. I have my general to-do list and my timed tasks.

2:00 - 3:19 pm → The 40 min essay became an hour and a half because I was using the Hemingway Editor (check it out, it's a life-saver). I'm honing my technical writing skills. Say hi to Grade 9 readability.

3:19 - 3:58 pm → I always rewrite the Minutes of the Meeting of our school's organization. Swear, my actual notes vary so much compared to my rewritten ones.

4:00 - 5:10 pm → Coffee break! Did I tell you how much I love coffee? My body is filled with coffee!

5:11 - 7:10 pm → Two hours and three pages of notes later and I'm finally done with my notes for Zoology. General Zoology takes up lots of our time because of the huge coverage. In fact Cell Division took us a total of three hours of lecture, not counting the days in our laboratory. Our prof - bless her soul - told us the coverage for the exam is from the top (Introduction to Zoology) to Animal Tissues. What are brain cells?

Fun fact: I put band-aids on my fingers to avoid getting blisters. Gotta take care of yourself, ya know.

7:11 - 8:15 pm → Dinner! My mom kept teasing me during the desserts because I kept taking selfies. Apparently, mom doesn't support vanity.

8:16 - 8:55 pm → I made an invitation letter for an organization. The president of the league complimented me on my volunteer work. Little did she know that I was using templates found in google for it. Sometimes you don't need to work hard, just work smart.

8:56 - 11:18 pm → Doing our project proposal reminds me of last year's research paper. God, I really love writing academic papers. I'm such a nerd. This one took me so long because I kept on editing the works of my groupmates. I swear, my perfectionism is my greatest flaw.

I decided to do all my tasks for Saturday so that Sunday will be my me-time. I thought this was a great idea. It was not. By the end of our project proposal, I was experiencing burn out. Sadness came knocking on my door and I was panicking cause I'm still halfway my tasks (I planned to stay up all night). Luckily, I got to talk to a friend and he was able to calm me down. I'll finish the rest of my tasks tomorrow.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, kids.

[newbeginningsworld]

Alive

For the longest time I've been unhappy with who I am.. just unhappy in general.

For the longest time, I've lived with this thing that's always been hard to explain..

My depression.

My anxiety.

The feeling of worthlessness.

I remember when it began.

It started when my father left when I was only 3 years old. He was in and out of my life until I was 10. It was then, at ten years old, when I decided he needed to stay out of my life for good.

He left me to grow up wondering if I actually really mattered.

He left me to grow up never being able to trust a man to stay. Never able to trust that anyone would stay.

He left me to believe that at the end of the day everyone would end up leaving me..just like he did.

As just a young child, I went through years of therapy, but it never really helped.

Talking to a stranger about what was going on in my ten year old mind did not help one bit.

The depression.

It only worsened during my sophomore year of high school.

I was lost.

My grades were slipping. I couldn't be on my lacrosse team anymore because of the results in my classes. My friends were going their own way, figuring out where they belong.

I, on the other hand, was alone.

I was alone with just my thoughts. The voices in my head were telling me I was unimportant; worthless. That I had nobody by my side. That I would continue to fail.

I was at war with my own mind.

I abused myself.

I neglected myself.

For years, I would look in the mirror and see nothing and felt nothing but hate.

I began to believe I had no purpose.

I had given up on life.

There was no point anymore.

I remember the exact moment when I completely gave up.

I was sitting in the corner of a running shower, tears flooding down my face, a razor blade in my hand.

That was the moment I attempted to take my own life.

I remember piercing my own skin, watching the blood run down my arm.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt relief.

All the pain. All of the sadness. All of the loneliness. All of the fear of failure. It was all about to end.

I would finally be set free from the prison cell of a body that I was trapped in.

But it wasn't enough.

I failed to take my own life.

And deep down, I was grateful that I didn't.

My physical wounds would heal, but leave scars as a reminder.

I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her what I had done.

The expressions of shock. The expressions of sadness and disappointment.

I had made her believe that this was her fault.

It wasn't.

It was the voices in my head. My depression.

I started going back to therapy.

Again, it didn't help.

Even though it was always going to be lurking behind me, I learned to keep it at bay.

And that was going to have to be okay for now.

Two years later, I graduated high school.

I persevered and overcame all of the obstacles and challenges.

Graduating means I survived.

The next two and a half years, I took time off.

Applying for job after job, just to get by.

I was trying to find myself, find my purpose in life.

But I still felt so lost. With no meaning.

Some days were better than others. Some days were worse.

Most days I lived in a state of pure agony and fear. My bad days usually involved me locked in my room completely numb to everything. Other times it involved voices, which sometimes became aggressive. At times, it made me believe things that aren't real. That don't exist. It made me feel things that aren't real, including physical pain. It made me relive the worst moments over and over and over again with no escape. At times it was terrifying and draining.

But I hid it. I shoved my feelings aside. As I always did out of the fear of judgment and being misunderstood.

I had come to terms that this was just apart of me and there was no fixing it.

Along the way, I found someone.

Someone who made me feel happiness. The happiness I couldn't yet give myself. Someone who put my mind at ease. Someone who was not only my love, but my best friend. Someone who taught me how to smile again. How to laugh. That I could be who I was and he would still love me. He made me feel okay, even when certain things weren't okay. In the beginning, he showed me the most beautiful love.

I thought I had found the one. My soulmate. The person who I could see a future with. The person who I could build a life with.

Then suddenly we were a world apart. But I promised I'd always wait for him and he promised to do the same.

Two months later, everything changed. Things were different between us. He had become cold, angry, and distant. At times, even ignoring me, pushing me away, and forgetting plans we made. I just wasn't a priority in his life anymore. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Worried anything would set off his anger. I spent months lying awake at night, doubting myself. Wondering where I went wrong, if I was good enough, what I could do better. Trying to change who I was to better fit his liking.

Throughout all of it..I lost myself.

I have no idea who that girl was. I was so consumed in my relationship and trying to make it work, I couldn't recognize myself. If I would have listened to my friends and let go, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost myself. Maybe I wouldn't have been living through my boyfriend.

But I continued to fight for my relationship..to try to make it better than it was. Even though deep down, I knew it would never change.

He continued to push me away. He closed himself up. He would even cut off in the middle of a conversation and just disappear. He had given up on trying to fix things. He had given up on us.

I felt alone in this relationship.

It was then I had come to realize that all the words that were said were just words. All of the promises made were all lies. I found out I was not the only girl in his life, or at least he didn't want me to be. For months, he would have moments of extreme jealousy. He would see guys complimenting me and accuse me of liking it more than I should. He would accuse me of cheating and make me feel belittled.

When in reality he was the one who was cheating.

The plans of our future, the words of love, they all came crashing down. They were all replaced with the feeling of pain, betrayal, anger, and sadness. It hurt like hell. This feeling of pain and betrayal sits in the very core of my being. Its like a rotting corpse of our future together that was brutally murdered by his actions. Its foul. It's a stench I have no words for. I can not recognize the person I once had so much love for. Who I poured my heart out to and would have given everything to. He was a stranger.

I had let him in. He broke down all of the walls I had built to protect myself. I let him see all the parts of me, even the dark parts of me. I trusted him with my heart, just for him to walk all over it and treat like everything we had been through was..nothing.

I am the one who is going to have to live with this. Knowing the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. How am I ever supposed to believe in anyone again? I won't be able to. Not fully.

I finally gathered up the courage to end it. To leave this one sided relationship. This toxic relationship. I realize now that at the end I was only holding on to this relationship because I was afraid of being alone. But sometimes being alone is exactly what you need.

So that you can finally see everything clearly.

I had been blinded by love, that I didn't see it for what it truly was. I know now that I'm better off. That I deserve better.

Even though I lost my relationship and a best friend,

I gained something so much better.

Me.

My entire life, I have been trying to fill this void, but nothing ever seemed to stick.

There was always something missing.

I know now,

That missing piece I had always been looking for

was Me.

I needed to find myself again.

To learn to love myself.

I had gone down a self destructive path.

I had not only lost myself, but I lost faith.

But now, I'm ready.

I'm ready to dedicate my life to something better.

I am ready find my faith again. I am ready to surrender all of my fears and worries. I am ready to go down the path that has always been meant for me.

I am finally going down a path where I can see light instead of darkness.

I'm finally on a path to getting better.

I'm finally on a path to learning to love myself.

I'm learning to not let my depression, my thoughts and my feelings consume me.

I am learning to forgive and let go of all that pain and toxicity.

I am learning to finally be in control of my own body and my own mind.

I am learning its also okay to feel emotions. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. I know now that I am stronger than the struggles I face. I know I am strong enough to get through anything. There is a reason for everything. My struggles made me stronger and made me the person I am today.

I am learning that things will not always turn out how you planned. And it's okay if they don't.

It's okay if I lose people; if I lose friends. Sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to let go of the toxic people and I know now that I deserve better. I deserve to be made a priority; to be put first for once.

It's okay not to get the perfect score on every exam. Nobody is perfect.

I am learning not to compare myself to others. I was made the way I am for a reason. I am me and that is enough.

I am learning I do not have wear make up everyday. I do not have to play a part. I am beautiful the way I am.

I am learning that we only have one life and I am no longer going to take that for granted.

You only live once, so I'm going to eat that piece of pizza. Or the entire pizza. I earned that pizza.

I'm going to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, as if nobody is listening, even if they are.

I'm going to see more movies, even it's by myself.

I'm to make my dreams a reality. I'm going to study hard, graduate and become a Vet Tech.

I'm going travel.

Go on more walks and enjoy the world around me; because sometimes it can actually be beautiful.

Love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.

I am going to actually live.

I am learning that I DO deserve to be happy. For me and nobody else. I am learning that I AM important. I am ENOUGH. I do MATTER. My happiness matters. My mental health matters.

Life is too short to be anything, BUT happy. Smile & take a deep breathe because everything we are facing is temporary.

After everything, I have finally found my purpose in life. I am finally moving forward.

I can finally see a future that I am in.

The weight on my chest.

It is lifted and I can finally breathe easy.

I overcame

I conquered

I survived.

I am ALIVE and I finally want to be!

[etudaire]

A Potato's ramblings

Now, normally I wouldn't write such long ass posts mainly because I do not have the time to do so (classes, college, coaching, homework, assignments and my first semester exams?!) but somehow I feel like I need to get this out. So here goes :

I've been a part of the studyblr community for about 4 months? 5 at the most and if you consider all the lurking I did before making my own blog then max 7 - 8 months. I've seen the trends gradually shift from pure aesthetic to more than just aesthetic to absolute motivation and everything in between.

I started out with 7 followers and today BAM?! 5K?! A HUGE THANK YOU FOR THAT!

Yesterday I won an intercollegiate science quiz competition, among 108 other students. In the elimination round I was sure I'm not gonna make it, because the questions weren't the easiest and I'd seen other people prepare like hell until the very last minute.

So I low-key consoled myself and was ready to walk out of the room when they announced my name along with a bunch of other names. Obviously surprised, my first thought was about the STUDYBLR COMMUNITY, because here is where I'm told that can do it, that it is possible for me.

The quiz progressed and somehow I stood first (asdkfbdbsb), and once again the only thing that naturally came to my mind was how thankful I was to be a part of the studyblr community.

We never judge each other's language /race/sexuality. We just keep pushing ourselves and help others push hard too, while at the same time we also try our best to prevent burnout.

Now I wonder, that if the day before the quiz had I not logged into Tumblr and gone through all the positive and productive posts, I probably would've been in bed listening to Taylor's latest songs all day. And I wouldn't have known anything during the quiz.

So for all those who are probably lurking around here (like I used to), do not hesitate and just go ahead and interact with us! Times are tough, but we're always happy to help and listen.

Joining tumblr as a studyblr was one of the best decisions I've taken, and I proud of it. Y'all be proud of yourselves too, because at the very lease you guys managed to inspire one student and push her to study, which visibly helped her.

You are not only helping yourself, you're spreading love and productivity around a lot of people. Keep doing what you are, because it is appreciated <3

~feel free to talk to me whenever you want to, this potato is ready to listen!

[lovelettersandeathreats-blog]

i miss him !!

2nd June 2017 11 pm 

By God, we are nearly 1/2 way through with this year and less than 5 months left until I'm finished with my yr12 exams. Things have gotten a lot more steady because we haven't had anything due in the past week. I feel very vulnerable and ‘fuck all’ atm so I don't think I care about revealing private parts of my life. Apart from my photosets, nothing else have gotten notes so I think it’s safe. I’m going to tell myself that any of these thoughts are just me being paranoid.

On Monday there was the English viva exam, which I skipped school for because I didn’t prepare. Turned up the next day and visited my babe of a teacher first thing in the morning. Landed in my ancient classroom and the door open slightly, sparking all these disturbing intrusive thoughts. Recently (in the past few months) I've conditioned myself to just allow these types of thoughts to pass by instead of fighting them and being embarrassed and having a war in my head. This approach is a lot more helpful. Back to the Hamlet viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face.  I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face.  I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) 

Today is Saturday and I've been on a break with my boyfriend for about a fortnight. Yes one fortnight without talking to me, I have come so far... This break has been different from other ones. I think I have changed. I’ve stopped pestering my friends. The days feel a lot faster and I don't feel so emotional. I’ve only felt sad when I talk to one of his friends. The reason I started a post for today was that I want to take down the thoughts I have at this moment. Regarding my collapsed friendships and my failing relationship. I’ve become very dependent on my best friend and she’s the only person I message on a daily basis. Whether it’s the first period at school or when I wake up at 1 pm on Saturday morning. She's the only person I feel like who understands me and who I trust with everything in my head. However, as life always works in this way, coincidentally this time where I feel like talking to her the most she has landed herself in her own friendship with a boy. I spam her with messages when I'm curious about where she is and she replies after a few hours. If this were a few months ago i would’ve become terribly paranoid and upset and read it in a very paranoid way, but I of now just accepts it. Time passes fast for me too. I find myself sitting in bed in the dark from 7 pm onwards, not even trying to sleep, just in bed surfing the web, reading, watching youtube, not studying until 2 am in the morn. Lonely isn’t the word I'm looking for to describe how i feel. 

James has exams in the next 3 weeks, his exams will end at the latest 26th/28th of this month. I feel sad thinking about it all, trying to make sense of it all. Whenever I think about it i feel very sad. i don't think I've been truly honest with myself about this relationship. From the bottom of my heart, i don't think that I add to his life in any significantly positive way. I don’t think I'm a very approving girlfriend and i think my emotional outbreaks to everything he does makes me incredibly unsupportive and negative for him. When he is in my life my life just revolves around what he’s doing and i schedule my life around his. When we hang out we just walk around talking about nothing at all that either of us is interested in. Lurking around on Quora, it really is the best platform for relationship advice. Very high IQ and EQ people giving anecdotes in response to others dilemma Qs. In that process, it confirmed how off i found my relationship. I am so immature and i credit all the flaws to my half and not his because I have found him extremely cooperative this whole time. This answer below really hit the nail on the head and I saved it into my personal note documents. 

I know he is happier than normal on this break on me at the moment and i think he will secretly be very happy that i am going to propose a breakup. Sunny told me it’s all about power play and he wants to be the one breaking up with me. I don't have many memories of him but we had a lot of fun in yr9/ early year 10, when he was only in yr10/11. We used to talk every day, all day until very late, about everything and anything. I would screenshot a lot of his responses and send it to the group chat had at that time. I found him so smart and funny and i had never met anyone like him before. He was absolutely perfect. I watched the Ryan Gosling Movie Blue Valentine the other week. I read about it a year or so ago and the reviews and comments that came along with it and i’m happy i watched it later instead of sooner. I think i can see reflections in my shifting mindset and attitudes in the female protagonists’. How you start off and think your partner is the greatest but over time reality kicks in. Gosling’s character has a paragraph and im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men. im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men, however, i think this isnt the case maybe. Chris is only naive because this is his first relationship. 

I do want to be with James forever. I have expressed countless times to different people that I want him to be the father of my children. I adore him and no one makes me happier than he does. However, i don’t think we should be together at this point in our lives. He is in university and doing a very hard course, studying full time too. Studying is his priority and he should focus on it 100%. This is his first semester and when i did ask him about whether the rest of the 4 years would be like this he replies (I'm getting teary for some reason) very snappily that it is not and it’s only like so because he’s in trouble with his parents or whatever.  

(I WROTE A FEW PARAGRAPHS MORE BUT THE PAGE CRASHED AND I LOST EVERYTHING BUT WAS ABLE TO TAKE A VERY CRAPPY SCREENSHOT OF WHAT I LOST WHERE EVERY WORD IS BLURRY AS FUCK ) 

Had a very bad breakdown last night and ended up downloaded snapchat to text him. I am very disappointed in myself. i want to swallow 40 pills and take a holiday ( that isn’t guaranteed to end) if you know what i mean. I need to be locked up or taken to a fucking sanatorium but im not rich or living in Japan in the 50s like  Naoko. FUCCCCCCK 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlSAXfxWgJ4