#My exams are lurking and I'm trying so hard to study

[littleblueberryartist]

GIRL HELP MEMORIZING STUFF WITH ADHD WORKING MEMORY ISSUES IS HELL

if anyone has tips I am literally on my knees-

[ow2requests]

Fluff with Cassidy x neutral/masc leaning reader having a (college) study session? Been stressing over my master's program and could use some wholesome reading!

a/n: hello anon, thank you for being the first one to request! I hope you liked this short, sort of chill oneshot, let me know!

Studying With Cassidy (not really because Cassidy distracts you)

A small yawn escaped your lips, your fingertips ghosted onto the pages of the textbook you had been revising off of. Your eyes lazily skimming through the blocks of texts that laid in front of you.

You were too tired to process any of it—too exhausted.

There was no way you would survive this year of college. Exams were right around the corner, and you felt that no matter how hard you studied, you would never get it.

You couldn't help but feel helpless.

It wasn't a very encouraging train of thought, you knew that all too well.

You had been following a rigorous studying regimen, attempting to get in front of whatever you could—some days you felt it was all in vain.

You caught glimpse of the time in your peripheral view; 8:56pm.

The library's gonna close soon...Might as well continue at my dorm... you thought to yourself.

Letting out a disheartened sigh, you stuffed your textbook into your bag, slinging it over your shoulder haphazardly.

And with that, you departed, and went off to your dorm.

———

Once you stepped foot into your dorm, your grip loosened on your bag, allowing it to fall to the ground with a thump—quickly reaching in to grab your textbook so you could get back to studying.

"Hey darlin'." A voice you knew all too well suddenly erupted from behind you.

Cole!

You relaxed at the sound of his voice, a smile graced your features. "Hey." you awkwardly replied.

"Did I scare ya?"

You snorted, "Nah. I'm just surprised you're lurking in my dorm around this time." You offered him a fond smirk. This was a common occurrence for the two of you, Cassidy normally liked to spend time in your dorm when he wasn't busy doing whatever he does.

A brief moment of silence passed, Cassidy laid down on your couch, taking off his hat and placing it on the couch— making himself comfortable.

"What're ya up to? I haven't seen ya all day today."

"Well…Exams are coming up, and I'm trying to stick to my studying schedule." You explained, you found yourself feeling guilty for not spending as much time with Cassidy as you wanted to. "It's been stressful, and I don't know if I even have the energy to keep reading this stupid textbook." Holding up the textbook, you emphasized your frustration.

With a sympathetic smile on his face, Cassidy chuckled. "Lemme help ya, then." He stretched his hands out, inviting you to cuddle.

The urge to touch him tingled in your fingertips as your face heated up. Walking towards him, you placed the book on the couch's armrest and laid down next to him, feeling his arms snake around your waist, pulling you closer.

You couldn't help but feel all fuzzy and gushy inside, this was exactly what you needed.

His calloused hands gently caressed your cheeks before moving down to squeeze your shoulders. "Arent'cha the cutest thing? Yer’ all flustered." With a coy smirk, he teased you.

It took some courage for you to clear your throat, trying to overcome the shyness you felt around him. "Cole, are we studying or not?" You mused lightheartedly.

As he grabbed your textbook, you both began reading through its contents. As Cassidy asked you questions about your coursework, cracking jokes periodically, observing your deep concentration and listening to you read, he couldn't help but chuckle silently.

He only thought of one word: Adorable.

Soon enough, Cassidy began reading outloud.

Something about Cassidy's voice always soothed you, his honeyed and suave voice was enough to make anybody fall head over heels with him.

You nuzzled yourself deeper into his chest, arms draping around his large frame. You found yourself completely blocking out the information, and instead you were being lulled to sleep.

And soon enough, you were fast asleep.

“Whatdya think this means?” Cassidy furrowed his eyebrows in contemplation at the information in your textbook. While Cassidy did not comprehend much of the topic you discussed, he was impressed with your ability to answer all his questions.

Suddenly, there was silence.

“Darlin’?” he whispered gently to you.

His gaze fell on your sleeping, serene face, and he paused to stare at your unconscious form with amusement and surprise.

Did his voice relax you to the point that you fell asleep in his arms? Or did you fall asleep simply because you were bored?

He’d oughta ask you when you wake up, but for now…

Keeping his arm around your waist, he continued gently stroking your head while holding you. Taking a deep breath, he shut his eyes, surrendering to the influence of fatigue and soon falling asleep.

It might have been easier for him to wake you up, but you looked so peaceful and cozy all curled up.

After all, you two could always study another time.

This was one of those moments that he wished would last forever. You and him, relaxed, and with no worries.

[lemonflowercat]

winter ❄️

hello from the underground

just want to take a moment to say how much I've missed being here - by here I mean actually expressing myself on Tumblr instead of lurking in the shadows, mining motivation off of studyblr hahahah

this winter has been a long one - and I'm talking winter in a very meta way, because in actuality it's been a gorgeous monsoon in Goa. in the setting of its green glorious abundance, my life has been quite the apocalyptic winter - bleak, cold and barren.

kudos to me for hibernating/ploughing through it, holding on to the hope of a promised spring.

ik ew but pls I'm writing after long and all my brain has to offer is cringe

but really. I've made it past that nightmare of an exam I've spent the last 3 years of my life working for. almost everything I've done has been done with the aim of making my mind, body and environment the best possible place to study in. and - by the standards of myself and society - I've failed quite spectacularly. (the extra ✨️spectacle✨️ being that I dropped another year to repeat the exam, in the hopes I'd fare better, but I actually did worse)

and now I'm here, not just picking up the pieces of 11 y/o lemonflowercat's dream that I tried so hard to make real, but also the consequent mental and physical collateral damage my health has suffered in this 'trying'.

everyone tells me and I tell everyone that I gave it my best. but on the inside I'm still counting the hours I didn't study, the days I signed off maybe too easily? the times I let my emotions get the better of me, the times I let things that don't really matter in the big picture bother me. all the things I didn't do the way a textbook MD preppie would. and I guess I never will really know if I gave it my best. all I know is it was hard, and I did what I felt like was easiest for me in that moment. and if that's not my best - well, it's in the past now, what can anyone do about it?

I think the mourning has come to an end. winter is still here though. everything is empty, harsh winds without direction.

there's something so raw, wild but also soothing at the same time about being in this place. it feels like I'm one with my rock bottom - I kiss the earth in acceptance. I melt into it. things look different from down here, and I low-key love this view. I feel small and I like being small. it's weird, ya know?

I guess I'm also just happy to have time for myself again. there's so much to rebuild - my entire life needs spring cleaning. ffs I've been stuck here so long, I don't even know if spring will ever come. but I'm ok. in my little burrow, making pinewood fires and simmering cinnamon tea. at my rickety table starting small, starting from scratch. lowkey excited because I'm an explorer with no direction whatsoever and if there's no destination to get to...

...you can't be lost, can you?

[foxymoxynoona]

Hello foxy! How are you? I think I‘ve been MIA for like a month? Feels like an eternity. I’ve been lurking undercover in the meantime and I’ve been keeping track of everything you’ve posted so far so I can read it and enjoy once I’m in a better headspace. September started wonderfully since a family member passed away (Yep, another one, what a great year) and I’m honestly emotionally exhausted 😅 I spent these weeks trying to keep myself as busy as possible and then randomly bursting into tears and it’s frustrating as fuuuuck because I’m usually always rational and in control of my emotions so being all over the place is very new and scary and I don’t like it😵‍💫.

Anyway on the happy side I did my last exam for the first year😭❤️ (and if you have an idea of how (disorganized🥲) Italian university is you would understand how hard it is to do 7 exams in the actual span of an academic year so i’m very proud of myself 🎉). It was my English Exam and the reason I’m telling you this is because I mentioned you out of panic☺️✌🏻. There was a speaking assessment with a mother tongue teacher and as I was speaking he stopped me and asked me if had ever been to the US because of my accent (okay so telling you this is embarrassing AF because it feels like I’m bragging or that I think I’m the most important and unique English speaker in the world I SWEAR I DON’T PLEASE I HATE THIS EHEIIESJS. I have a strong American accent [which is probably not even an accent to you 😅] and erased any trace of “foreign” accent because I learned English when I was very young by hearing it on tv shows (hence, all the mistakes I make are because I learned grammar by hearing it in speech and never actually sat down to study it🤡) and everyone was American so that’s how I pronounce words now lol. Thank god you we can’t talk in person or there’s a chance you could humble me real quick😂). Anyway I explained it to him and he said “well but I’m assuming you have some American friends you keep in touch with” and don’t ask me why (maybe because you’re the only American person I “know” lol) I thought about you and I was thinking “okay so we never talked, I don’t know what her voice sounds like, don’t know her name and for all I know she could be a fever dream and never existed in this timeline” then I panicked and told him “yes, she’s a writer. Her name’s Rachel.” So now your name is Rachel. Take it or leave it🤪.

🌸

You have not missed much around here, it's the longest I've been quiet in two years 😭 I think I've posted like one thing a week for the last month or something, it feels pitiful, I'm so sad about it.

but OMG that story is so funnyyyyy. Didn't I give someone in one of my stories a girlfriend named Rachel? Maybe? Or did you think of Friends in your panic? Either way, it's so funny. But I'm not surprised your professor can tell you regularly speak to people in English, your English fluency is so natural seeming! Rachel haha. I wish that was actually my name and I could be like "woah that's crazy you guessed it!!" 😂

My voice is muppety and somewhat accented, unfortunately, despite my trying to completely shake my regional accent 😅

[mika-goes-to-uni]

Study With Me - Midterms, 1st Year 2nd sem Ed

3.2.19 \\ Saturday \\ D8

Midterms is lurking in the shadows again, waiting for its turn to devour innocent students. I promised myself 2019's gonna be a stress-free year as much as possible therefore even if the professors didn't tell us the coverage for the exams yet, I decided to put on my full gear and get ready for the battle!

1:47 pm → I have to leave early every day for class so, on weekends, I'll try to catch on my lost periods of sleep as much as I can. Saturdays usually start at 11 am for me. As always, planning my day is a crucial part of my life. I have my general to-do list and my timed tasks.

2:00 - 3:19 pm → The 40 min essay became an hour and a half because I was using the Hemingway Editor (check it out, it's a life-saver). I'm honing my technical writing skills. Say hi to Grade 9 readability.

3:19 - 3:58 pm → I always rewrite the Minutes of the Meeting of our school's organization. Swear, my actual notes vary so much compared to my rewritten ones.

4:00 - 5:10 pm → Coffee break! Did I tell you how much I love coffee? My body is filled with coffee!

5:11 - 7:10 pm → Two hours and three pages of notes later and I'm finally done with my notes for Zoology. General Zoology takes up lots of our time because of the huge coverage. In fact Cell Division took us a total of three hours of lecture, not counting the days in our laboratory. Our prof - bless her soul - told us the coverage for the exam is from the top (Introduction to Zoology) to Animal Tissues. What are brain cells?

Fun fact: I put band-aids on my fingers to avoid getting blisters. Gotta take care of yourself, ya know.

7:11 - 8:15 pm → Dinner! My mom kept teasing me during the desserts because I kept taking selfies. Apparently, mom doesn't support vanity.

8:16 - 8:55 pm → I made an invitation letter for an organization. The president of the league complimented me on my volunteer work. Little did she know that I was using templates found in google for it. Sometimes you don't need to work hard, just work smart.

8:56 - 11:18 pm → Doing our project proposal reminds me of last year's research paper. God, I really love writing academic papers. I'm such a nerd. This one took me so long because I kept on editing the works of my groupmates. I swear, my perfectionism is my greatest flaw.

I decided to do all my tasks for Saturday so that Sunday will be my me-time. I thought this was a great idea. It was not. By the end of our project proposal, I was experiencing burn out. Sadness came knocking on my door and I was panicking cause I'm still halfway my tasks (I planned to stay up all night). Luckily, I got to talk to a friend and he was able to calm me down. I'll finish the rest of my tasks tomorrow.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, kids.

[newbeginningsworld]

Alive

For the longest time I've been unhappy with who I am.. just unhappy in general.

For the longest time, I've lived with this thing that's always been hard to explain..

My depression.

My anxiety.

The feeling of worthlessness.

I remember when it began.

It started when my father left when I was only 3 years old. He was in and out of my life until I was 10. It was then, at ten years old, when I decided he needed to stay out of my life for good.

He left me to grow up wondering if I actually really mattered.

He left me to grow up never being able to trust a man to stay. Never able to trust that anyone would stay.

He left me to believe that at the end of the day everyone would end up leaving me..just like he did.

As just a young child, I went through years of therapy, but it never really helped.

Talking to a stranger about what was going on in my ten year old mind did not help one bit.

The depression.

It only worsened during my sophomore year of high school.

I was lost.

My grades were slipping. I couldn't be on my lacrosse team anymore because of the results in my classes. My friends were going their own way, figuring out where they belong.

I, on the other hand, was alone.

I was alone with just my thoughts. The voices in my head were telling me I was unimportant; worthless. That I had nobody by my side. That I would continue to fail.

I was at war with my own mind.

I abused myself.

I neglected myself.

For years, I would look in the mirror and see nothing and felt nothing but hate.

I began to believe I had no purpose.

I had given up on life.

There was no point anymore.

I remember the exact moment when I completely gave up.

I was sitting in the corner of a running shower, tears flooding down my face, a razor blade in my hand.

That was the moment I attempted to take my own life.

I remember piercing my own skin, watching the blood run down my arm.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt relief.

All the pain. All of the sadness. All of the loneliness. All of the fear of failure. It was all about to end.

I would finally be set free from the prison cell of a body that I was trapped in.

But it wasn't enough.

I failed to take my own life.

And deep down, I was grateful that I didn't.

My physical wounds would heal, but leave scars as a reminder.

I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her what I had done.

The expressions of shock. The expressions of sadness and disappointment.

I had made her believe that this was her fault.

It wasn't.

It was the voices in my head. My depression.

I started going back to therapy.

Again, it didn't help.

Even though it was always going to be lurking behind me, I learned to keep it at bay.

And that was going to have to be okay for now.

Two years later, I graduated high school.

I persevered and overcame all of the obstacles and challenges.

Graduating means I survived.

The next two and a half years, I took time off.

Applying for job after job, just to get by.

I was trying to find myself, find my purpose in life.

But I still felt so lost. With no meaning.

Some days were better than others. Some days were worse.

Most days I lived in a state of pure agony and fear. My bad days usually involved me locked in my room completely numb to everything. Other times it involved voices, which sometimes became aggressive. At times, it made me believe things that aren't real. That don't exist. It made me feel things that aren't real, including physical pain. It made me relive the worst moments over and over and over again with no escape. At times it was terrifying and draining.

But I hid it. I shoved my feelings aside. As I always did out of the fear of judgment and being misunderstood.

I had come to terms that this was just apart of me and there was no fixing it.

Along the way, I found someone.

Someone who made me feel happiness. The happiness I couldn't yet give myself. Someone who put my mind at ease. Someone who was not only my love, but my best friend. Someone who taught me how to smile again. How to laugh. That I could be who I was and he would still love me. He made me feel okay, even when certain things weren't okay. In the beginning, he showed me the most beautiful love.

I thought I had found the one. My soulmate. The person who I could see a future with. The person who I could build a life with.

Then suddenly we were a world apart. But I promised I'd always wait for him and he promised to do the same.

Two months later, everything changed. Things were different between us. He had become cold, angry, and distant. At times, even ignoring me, pushing me away, and forgetting plans we made. I just wasn't a priority in his life anymore. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Worried anything would set off his anger. I spent months lying awake at night, doubting myself. Wondering where I went wrong, if I was good enough, what I could do better. Trying to change who I was to better fit his liking.

Throughout all of it..I lost myself.

I have no idea who that girl was. I was so consumed in my relationship and trying to make it work, I couldn't recognize myself. If I would have listened to my friends and let go, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost myself. Maybe I wouldn't have been living through my boyfriend.

But I continued to fight for my relationship..to try to make it better than it was. Even though deep down, I knew it would never change.

He continued to push me away. He closed himself up. He would even cut off in the middle of a conversation and just disappear. He had given up on trying to fix things. He had given up on us.

I felt alone in this relationship.

It was then I had come to realize that all the words that were said were just words. All of the promises made were all lies. I found out I was not the only girl in his life, or at least he didn't want me to be. For months, he would have moments of extreme jealousy. He would see guys complimenting me and accuse me of liking it more than I should. He would accuse me of cheating and make me feel belittled.

When in reality he was the one who was cheating.

The plans of our future, the words of love, they all came crashing down. They were all replaced with the feeling of pain, betrayal, anger, and sadness. It hurt like hell. This feeling of pain and betrayal sits in the very core of my being. Its like a rotting corpse of our future together that was brutally murdered by his actions. Its foul. It's a stench I have no words for. I can not recognize the person I once had so much love for. Who I poured my heart out to and would have given everything to. He was a stranger.

I had let him in. He broke down all of the walls I had built to protect myself. I let him see all the parts of me, even the dark parts of me. I trusted him with my heart, just for him to walk all over it and treat like everything we had been through was..nothing.

I am the one who is going to have to live with this. Knowing the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. How am I ever supposed to believe in anyone again? I won't be able to. Not fully.

I finally gathered up the courage to end it. To leave this one sided relationship. This toxic relationship. I realize now that at the end I was only holding on to this relationship because I was afraid of being alone. But sometimes being alone is exactly what you need.

So that you can finally see everything clearly.

I had been blinded by love, that I didn't see it for what it truly was. I know now that I'm better off. That I deserve better.

Even though I lost my relationship and a best friend,

I gained something so much better.

Me.

My entire life, I have been trying to fill this void, but nothing ever seemed to stick.

There was always something missing.

I know now,

That missing piece I had always been looking for

was Me.

I needed to find myself again.

To learn to love myself.

I had gone down a self destructive path.

I had not only lost myself, but I lost faith.

But now, I'm ready.

I'm ready to dedicate my life to something better.

I am ready find my faith again. I am ready to surrender all of my fears and worries. I am ready to go down the path that has always been meant for me.

I am finally going down a path where I can see light instead of darkness.

I'm finally on a path to getting better.

I'm finally on a path to learning to love myself.

I'm learning to not let my depression, my thoughts and my feelings consume me.

I am learning to forgive and let go of all that pain and toxicity.

I am learning to finally be in control of my own body and my own mind.

I am learning its also okay to feel emotions. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. I know now that I am stronger than the struggles I face. I know I am strong enough to get through anything. There is a reason for everything. My struggles made me stronger and made me the person I am today.

I am learning that things will not always turn out how you planned. And it's okay if they don't.

It's okay if I lose people; if I lose friends. Sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to let go of the toxic people and I know now that I deserve better. I deserve to be made a priority; to be put first for once.

It's okay not to get the perfect score on every exam. Nobody is perfect.

I am learning not to compare myself to others. I was made the way I am for a reason. I am me and that is enough.

I am learning I do not have wear make up everyday. I do not have to play a part. I am beautiful the way I am.

I am learning that we only have one life and I am no longer going to take that for granted.

You only live once, so I'm going to eat that piece of pizza. Or the entire pizza. I earned that pizza.

I'm going to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, as if nobody is listening, even if they are.

I'm going to see more movies, even it's by myself.

I'm to make my dreams a reality. I'm going to study hard, graduate and become a Vet Tech.

I'm going travel.

Go on more walks and enjoy the world around me; because sometimes it can actually be beautiful.

Love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.

I am going to actually live.

I am learning that I DO deserve to be happy. For me and nobody else. I am learning that I AM important. I am ENOUGH. I do MATTER. My happiness matters. My mental health matters.

Life is too short to be anything, BUT happy. Smile & take a deep breathe because everything we are facing is temporary.

After everything, I have finally found my purpose in life. I am finally moving forward.

I can finally see a future that I am in.

The weight on my chest.

It is lifted and I can finally breathe easy.

I overcame

I conquered

I survived.

I am ALIVE and I finally want to be!

[etudaire]

A Potato's ramblings

Now, normally I wouldn't write such long ass posts mainly because I do not have the time to do so (classes, college, coaching, homework, assignments and my first semester exams?!) but somehow I feel like I need to get this out. So here goes :

I've been a part of the studyblr community for about 4 months? 5 at the most and if you consider all the lurking I did before making my own blog then max 7 - 8 months. I've seen the trends gradually shift from pure aesthetic to more than just aesthetic to absolute motivation and everything in between.

I started out with 7 followers and today BAM?! 5K?! A HUGE THANK YOU FOR THAT!

Yesterday I won an intercollegiate science quiz competition, among 108 other students. In the elimination round I was sure I'm not gonna make it, because the questions weren't the easiest and I'd seen other people prepare like hell until the very last minute.

So I low-key consoled myself and was ready to walk out of the room when they announced my name along with a bunch of other names. Obviously surprised, my first thought was about the STUDYBLR COMMUNITY, because here is where I'm told that can do it, that it is possible for me.

The quiz progressed and somehow I stood first (asdkfbdbsb), and once again the only thing that naturally came to my mind was how thankful I was to be a part of the studyblr community.

We never judge each other's language /race/sexuality. We just keep pushing ourselves and help others push hard too, while at the same time we also try our best to prevent burnout.

Now I wonder, that if the day before the quiz had I not logged into Tumblr and gone through all the positive and productive posts, I probably would've been in bed listening to Taylor's latest songs all day. And I wouldn't have known anything during the quiz.

So for all those who are probably lurking around here (like I used to), do not hesitate and just go ahead and interact with us! Times are tough, but we're always happy to help and listen.

Joining tumblr as a studyblr was one of the best decisions I've taken, and I proud of it. Y'all be proud of yourselves too, because at the very lease you guys managed to inspire one student and push her to study, which visibly helped her.

You are not only helping yourself, you're spreading love and productivity around a lot of people. Keep doing what you are, because it is appreciated <3

~feel free to talk to me whenever you want to, this potato is ready to listen!

[lovelettersandeathreats-blog]

i miss him !!

2nd June 2017 11 pm 

By God, we are nearly 1/2 way through with this year and less than 5 months left until I'm finished with my yr12 exams. Things have gotten a lot more steady because we haven't had anything due in the past week. I feel very vulnerable and ‘fuck all’ atm so I don't think I care about revealing private parts of my life. Apart from my photosets, nothing else have gotten notes so I think it’s safe. I’m going to tell myself that any of these thoughts are just me being paranoid.

On Monday there was the English viva exam, which I skipped school for because I didn’t prepare. Turned up the next day and visited my babe of a teacher first thing in the morning. Landed in my ancient classroom and the door open slightly, sparking all these disturbing intrusive thoughts. Recently (in the past few months) I've conditioned myself to just allow these types of thoughts to pass by instead of fighting them and being embarrassed and having a war in my head. This approach is a lot more helpful. Back to the Hamlet viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face.  I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face.  I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) 

Today is Saturday and I've been on a break with my boyfriend for about a fortnight. Yes one fortnight without talking to me, I have come so far... This break has been different from other ones. I think I have changed. I’ve stopped pestering my friends. The days feel a lot faster and I don't feel so emotional. I’ve only felt sad when I talk to one of his friends. The reason I started a post for today was that I want to take down the thoughts I have at this moment. Regarding my collapsed friendships and my failing relationship. I’ve become very dependent on my best friend and she’s the only person I message on a daily basis. Whether it’s the first period at school or when I wake up at 1 pm on Saturday morning. She's the only person I feel like who understands me and who I trust with everything in my head. However, as life always works in this way, coincidentally this time where I feel like talking to her the most she has landed herself in her own friendship with a boy. I spam her with messages when I'm curious about where she is and she replies after a few hours. If this were a few months ago i would’ve become terribly paranoid and upset and read it in a very paranoid way, but I of now just accepts it. Time passes fast for me too. I find myself sitting in bed in the dark from 7 pm onwards, not even trying to sleep, just in bed surfing the web, reading, watching youtube, not studying until 2 am in the morn. Lonely isn’t the word I'm looking for to describe how i feel. 

James has exams in the next 3 weeks, his exams will end at the latest 26th/28th of this month. I feel sad thinking about it all, trying to make sense of it all. Whenever I think about it i feel very sad. i don't think I've been truly honest with myself about this relationship. From the bottom of my heart, i don't think that I add to his life in any significantly positive way. I don’t think I'm a very approving girlfriend and i think my emotional outbreaks to everything he does makes me incredibly unsupportive and negative for him. When he is in my life my life just revolves around what he’s doing and i schedule my life around his. When we hang out we just walk around talking about nothing at all that either of us is interested in. Lurking around on Quora, it really is the best platform for relationship advice. Very high IQ and EQ people giving anecdotes in response to others dilemma Qs. In that process, it confirmed how off i found my relationship. I am so immature and i credit all the flaws to my half and not his because I have found him extremely cooperative this whole time. This answer below really hit the nail on the head and I saved it into my personal note documents. 

I know he is happier than normal on this break on me at the moment and i think he will secretly be very happy that i am going to propose a breakup. Sunny told me it’s all about power play and he wants to be the one breaking up with me. I don't have many memories of him but we had a lot of fun in yr9/ early year 10, when he was only in yr10/11. We used to talk every day, all day until very late, about everything and anything. I would screenshot a lot of his responses and send it to the group chat had at that time. I found him so smart and funny and i had never met anyone like him before. He was absolutely perfect. I watched the Ryan Gosling Movie Blue Valentine the other week. I read about it a year or so ago and the reviews and comments that came along with it and i’m happy i watched it later instead of sooner. I think i can see reflections in my shifting mindset and attitudes in the female protagonists’. How you start off and think your partner is the greatest but over time reality kicks in. Gosling’s character has a paragraph and im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men. im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men, however, i think this isnt the case maybe. Chris is only naive because this is his first relationship. 

I do want to be with James forever. I have expressed countless times to different people that I want him to be the father of my children. I adore him and no one makes me happier than he does. However, i don’t think we should be together at this point in our lives. He is in university and doing a very hard course, studying full time too. Studying is his priority and he should focus on it 100%. This is his first semester and when i did ask him about whether the rest of the 4 years would be like this he replies (I'm getting teary for some reason) very snappily that it is not and it’s only like so because he’s in trouble with his parents or whatever.  

(I WROTE A FEW PARAGRAPHS MORE BUT THE PAGE CRASHED AND I LOST EVERYTHING BUT WAS ABLE TO TAKE A VERY CRAPPY SCREENSHOT OF WHAT I LOST WHERE EVERY WORD IS BLURRY AS FUCK ) 

Had a very bad breakdown last night and ended up downloaded snapchat to text him. I am very disappointed in myself. i want to swallow 40 pills and take a holiday ( that isn’t guaranteed to end) if you know what i mean. I need to be locked up or taken to a fucking sanatorium but im not rich or living in Japan in the 50s like  Naoko. FUCCCCCCK 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlSAXfxWgJ4