#My apologies for the rant everything is getting harder to deal with nowadays and i dont know how to defend against an actually loved other

[hellhounds-hellscape]

Actually still bitter about this fucker! What sucks the most is that they take my valid criticism of people and warp it into some type of "nobody loves you and never cared, might as well kill yourself" type bullshit and spews their bullshit to everyone else! They literally just come around to make everyone else feel like shit, worse than EVEN I EVER DONE! For their own entertainment apparently, at least my shit was to protect the others! And they recently tried to drag people out of the system down too! This fucker literally stepped in the moment i was trying to find words to explain to the main of our partner system about why his depression fueled reviling was actively harming ours and? They tried to fucking kill us all INCLUDING themself?what the fuck seriously what in the actual fuck? This fucker only ever comes around to cause grief and make an already rocky situation Worse, why is this asshole even here?

[sparklessswift]

19 Things I've Learned in 2019

1. “The desire for positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.” — Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)

I always thought that "How To Be Happy" things on the internet are true and those things can really change your life if you will try to do so. But while reading this book, I've realized that it's not. That the irony behind thinking of ways to be happy and positive just reminds us of what we are not and of what things we failed to have that we've always wanted. The more we try searching for ways on how to be happy, the more we can't attain happiness.

2. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your choices and decisions.

I've learned that you are the only one who's accountable for everything that you choose to do, for every thoughts that you entertain and for every decisions that you make. The quality of your life is shaped on whatever you want it to be. Whenever you feel like you're carrying a huge amount of emotional baggage, it's because you chose to carry it anyway. You chose to entertain the melancholia, you chose to let it enter your life. Do not blame your situation or even other people. Change the way you see things, make good decisions and choices and the quality of your life will be better.

3. Music is a form of enlightenment towards our true emotions.

I found out that longing to hear sad songs that we can relate to whenever we are feeling sad isn't a sign of tolerating sadness, it means we are trying to fill the gap between what we know and what we feel. Finding the perfect song that explains exactly the way we feel helps us figure out the right words to describe our current emotion. It makes us feel that we are not the only one in the world who's suffering. It's relieving to be so connected to a song that you feel as though, it was written for you.

4. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

There are times when we feel as though, people and even ourselves are not worthy to be forgiven and that no amount of apology will cease the burning fire. But one thing I do learned this year is that, forgiveness means letting go. Do yourself a favor and let go of the bad memories, what's important is that you took it as a learned lesson. Let go of the grudges that you kept for so long, it will give you a peace of mind. Let go of the idea that forgiving without hearing an apology is not necessary in life, it is. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've done in life and forgive those people who have hurt you as well. Release the pain by forgiving so you can finally move on.

5. Self loathe is the most toxic form of hate.

I've learned that there is nothing more toxicating in life than hating your own existence and body. It's like badly wanting a poisonous thing even when you know it is bad for you. It's like loving the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "ME!" because it radiates self-love but there's always a cringeworthy feeling whenever you sing the words "I'm the only one of me, baby that's the fun of me" because you can't feel the message it conveys. And it feels like, no amount of motivation from other people can cure the poison in you. I know it's easier said than done but remember that only you can free yourself from self loathing so might as well start appreciating small things about yourself and sooner or later you will realize that it's fun to be the only one of you.

6. Being 18 is challenging. While it may be true that each year has its own challenge, being 18 is quite different. It's the time when your mind starts forming questions about life, existence, and future. It's like a climax to your own story, exciting as it may seem but it contains setbacks, challenges and a hundred thousand pieces of inspirations needed in order to thrive harder. In order to believe that you can pursue your dream of reaching the happily ever after.

7. Appreciate high school moments while they last. Realizing how fast the time has flown after my journey in high school is something I wish I was ready for. Funny how we're so attached to a moment from the past (e.g. graduation) that everytime we remember it, there's this bubble of thoughts appearing in our heads with the line “it felt like yesterday” and it feels so bittersweet. If there's one thing I can teach the other generations, it is to always appreciate each moment while it lasts. After all, moments will become memories that will forever be stuck in our head so might as well enjoy your high school life and make good memories out of it.

8. We are all temporary in everyone else's lives and that's normal. It feels relieving when you realize that each person that we meet has a temporary role in our lives. We are bound to lose connection with someone whom we thought will never leave us, we're bound to cut ties with people who are not good for us, and we're bound to be left behind or leave not because we want to but because we just crossed paths with each other, we aren't really travelling the same path not as what we thought we are. Learn how to appreciate someone's presence and learn how to accept someone's absence.

9. Do not drown yourself in the thought that internet validation is important. It is definitely okay to dump the idea that you're living in the wrong generation if you think likes/reactions, comments and shares are not important. Most people today still haven't come to realize that the internet has not just open-sourced information, it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame. And we have to open our minds about it. Life is happier the moment you realize that you should not give a damn about what other people think of your posts.

10. Do not jump on hate trends in social media just because it's in. Cancel culture has made a noise in the internet this year and suddenly everyone are bragging their freedom of speech because they are jumping on the bandwagon (or should I say, we're? 😂) But one thing I do learned from all the hate trends is to be discerning. This is the best time you can practice cherry-picking and only utter a word when you think you really need to or when you think it is appropriate to do so. Just as Taylor Swift said, “You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace and control your urges to scream about all the people you hate”.

11. Being attached to someone does not mean you're into that person. Attachment is way too different than love and even infatuation. It needs not to be stereotyped. Sometimes all you have to do is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt about how you feel and you will realize the true value of a person to you.

12. The hardest struggle in life that we can ever experience is something that is related with our family. Indeed home is where the heart is. Family is our major source of inspiration and it can also be our major source of distraction whenever there are unforeseen circumstances going on. And I think dealing with those circumstances is the hardest struggle to face because there will always be a pain in your chest wherever you go that is inevitable. The pain that lies deep within you but bleeds through the surface of your body that you can't hide.

13. College is way too different than high school and you should be ready for it. Of course, culture shock will always be there the moment you enter college. You will start comparing high school and college in every single details, you will randomly reminisce high school memories while walking in the hallway and you will remember how easy passing the exams and getting high grades back then. In my first semester in college, I've learned that you will never survive if you are ill-spirited, proscrastinator, lazy and weak student. I've learned that college is survival and in survival, you should not come with unnecessary gears. I'm sorry Taylor Swift but in college, you should not bring a knife to a gun fight.😃

14. It's okay to have few friends atleast they are real. Making friends is hard and no one can convince me otherwise. People's intentions to you are confusing nowadays and it's hard to trust another set of new people. I've realized that the amount of friends has nothing to do about how you enjoy your life. What's important is that you have friends who are honest as the day is long.

15. Listen more, say less. This year I've learned the value of lending ears to those who are in need of it and even to situations that require much understanding before saying an opinion to avoid any conflict.  Do not be easily carried away by your emotions to the extent that you're no longer thinking if what you are going to say is appropriate to the situation. On the other hand, there are times that people who are venting out their problems do not need any piece of advice, what they need is someone who is understanding enough to spend time listening to their rants.

16. Things that are gonna make your life more interesting are things that you should say yes to. — Taylor Swift

Progress doesn't come in the blink of an eye. You need to challenge yourself to do new things in order to make a progress. It is even more okay to step out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to grow. Life will be more interesting when you accept challenges with conviction.

17. Follow accounts on social media who are good for your mental health. Do yourself a favor and start unfollowing accounts that triggers your anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. Your feed should only contain things that motivates you and people that inspires you to be like them. It should not be a place to start who-did-it-better or who's-best-at-life competitions.

18. Acceptance takes time. I have learned that it is okay to still question things that happened to you 6 years ago. It's okay to still cry everytime it pops up in your head, it's okay if you are not a hundred percent healed and it's okay to have a mind with not enough understanding about the situations that you've been to even if it happened a long time ago. God put you there for a reason. You have to keep in mind that acceptance has no definitive time frame. Healing doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. It will just happen.

19. Procrastination can ruin your goals in life.

There will be no further explanation, there will just be procrastination. 😎

[texanredrose]

Dear Diary - July

July 4th- Dear Diary, Father called today. He tried weaseling around the terms of our agreement but I held firm. I know quite well that he doesn’t approve of the fact I’m attending the gala with a date he hasn’t personally vetted but he doesn’t get to have a say in who I include in my life anymore. In the back of my mind, I’m also highly aware he would object to everything about Blake, strictly for his own poor opinions and not because Blake is anything but a stellar individual and a sweet, heartfelt soul. Ultimately, it was foolish of me to talk her into attending the gala without first ensuring she understood the... full situation. The world I knew growing up was so enclosed that the realities of the world at large have yet to truly trickle in, old grudges and outdated views holding firm when they have no good reasons to cling to them except out of vain pride. I’ve made mention of severing ties with Father, but I never told anyone aside from Winter the details. Blake and I are supposed to go for a jog tomorrow morning; I will address it then. I tried calling her but the words caught in my throat and I...

I realize- not for the first time- that Blake is a better friend than I truly deserve. She picked up on my sour mood and turned the conversation away from my family and the gala entirely, pulled me into a discussion about a show I’ve never even heard of but now am interested in seeing. She’s made a claim that I can’t possibly see working in even the most abstract fictional sense and started discourse over the whole debacle, so now I feel compelled to witness for myself to see if my mind changes. We’re having a little watch party at her place on Friday- provided our conversation tomorrow goes well, I suppose- and the reprieve was nice. But I can’t help feeling like going to the gala- although an event I am required to attend- is a huge mistake.

Winter understands- perhaps better than Blake or Ruby ever could. She’s been separated from that world for longer but she knows what’s to come. Everyone will ask about her service, about why it ended, and she won’t lie- we’ve spent far too much of our lives lying to everyone and ourselves. She’ll square her shoulders and tell nothing but the truth with clear pride and from that moment on, everything will be different. From the moment Penny’s brought up, Winter will go from respectable former service member to an irresponsible single mother in their eyes- because staying in a loveless marriage where both of you cheat on the other like most people drink water is somehow the morally righteous avenue in comparison. And that she’s adopted? The circumstances around that adoption? Perish the thought of caring for another person out of something other than blood compelled obligation or financial opportunity. It makes my blood boil.

Even as I’m writing this, Blake’s checking up on me via text. Ruby, too, though she seemed busier nowadays. I know she’s been spending more time with Penny and I’m glad my niece- which... I suppose I haven’t been thinking of her as such until recently, but that is the proper familial relation- is becoming friends with my best friend. It’s... strange, in a way, because even though it’s only Winter and I now as blood relatives... I feel as if I have a bigger, more supportive family now than at any other point in my life.

I know I started this diary with the express intention of chronicling my exasperation with Winter and Yang but... it does feel nice to write the words ‘I feel very loved right now’ in my own handwriting and know that I fully mean them. 

And now Yang’s texting me. I guess Blake enlisted everyone’s assistance to cheer me up. I wonder what her response would be if I jokingly referred to her as my future sister-in-law. Jokes of that nature are typically her domain but... well, maybe it takes speaking in a language she understands to get her to notice Winter’s advances.

Regardless, it’s just occurred to me that I do have quite an extensive support network and I should set up contingencies. In the event Blake still wants to attend the gala with me, I should have a back-up plan; I think I’ll reach out to Pyrrha, see if she’s free that evening and could stay in the area if a hasty exit is required. Winter and I may be mandated to remain at the event but, if either Blake or Yang begin feeling uncomfortable- I don’t see the latter missing out on anything falling within the classical definition of a ‘party’ but Winter seems adamant- they can leave at any time they wish.

I already envy them that freedom.

July 5th- Dear Diary, Again, I find myself a bit amazed. Blake possesses a very intricate understanding of the worst case scenario and she seemed rather blasé about the whole thing. I don’t believe for a second she’s that confident in facing those stuffy morons at the gala- I can see in her eyes how she wants to balk and run- but she’s going to try and I’ll always admire her courage to try when every instinct screams at her otherwise. Also, our jog went a bit... longer than either of us expected; we both forgot the initial limit we’d set and just... kept running. Our conversation took so many turns- I actually find myself looking forward to the possibility that someone might incense her enough to pull a passionate rant from her mid gala. It would be glorious to witness and being able to say she’s my date to all the stupefied morons? Priceless.

Also, my conversation with Yang last night drew on a bit longer and I... was reminded of a few things. I sometimes forget that she plays her cards so close to the vest, to use a phrase, and hides her turmoil behind a mask of support. I suppose effectively raising Ruby on her own had some bearing on the way she always seems to keep her troubles to herself rather than ‘burden’ her friends with such thoughts, but that’s what we’re here for, damnit, and I’ll not stand idly by when something is bothering my friend and potential future sister-in-law.

After a lot of work, I managed to ferret the issue out of her. It seems she’s a bit intimidated about the gala. While she’s promised to dial back her puns and brash demeanor, she worries she’ll embarrass either myself or Winter, and while her heart’s in the right place, neither of us are worried about such. I tried to assure her of that but I’m quite certain my words fell on deaf ears; I forget, also, that she’s not as confident in herself as many believe. A cocky strut and a large smile can fool many but her vulnerabilities are there, if one looks close enough. On the upside, it provided a perfect opportunity to provide her Winter’s number, if only so she could see for herself that Winter has utmost confidence in her. That seemed to lift her spirits but, as of yet, she hasn’t reached out to Winter.

I swear, these two will be the death of me.

July 9th- Dear Diary, I spoke to Pyrrha and it turns out she and Nora have plans the night of the gala to see a movie. The theatre isn’t too far from the museum, so they’ll be in the area and happy to provide their assistance. Well, I’m not so sure about the ‘happy’ part; Nora didn’t seem entirely enthused but Pyrrha managed to talk her into it. Not sure what’s going on with those two but they’ve certainly been hanging around each other more often as of late. Probably a good thing; Pyrrha could use a little of Nora’s effortless ability to relax and just be goofy while Nora could certainly use a lesson or two in conducting herself according to... well, common decency. I swear, half the time, I think she purposefully ignores well established etiquette just to see how many people she can rile up, but she means well. I think.

At any rate, this secures Yang and Blake a back-up plan in the event things go south. Another round of assurances have occurred in the past day, going every which way- and I mean that literally. 

Winter has talked to me, promised to intervene if Father gets up to his usual tricks, which he no doubt will, and I assured her that I’d rather he do his best to tear us both down rather than just one of us suffer the consequences. I think it helps ease her mind that I’m willing to stand beside her, knowing quite well the hell we’re going to be walking into, but we both broke free of that world. If we must return, it won’t be alone. Funny, to think there was a time I envied her so greatly, I refused to talk to her. I suppose children aren’t the best equipped to handle the figurative minefields we navigated in our youth. It’s nice to think that she’s on my side, firmly; that we have each other’s backs. I think... I think one of these days, I should apologize for holding so much against her without saying a word...

Anyway, after ensuring that we were on the same page, we then had to deal with Yang and Blake. I’m not sure which of us had it harder, to be frank. I opted to try again explaining to Blake the sort of environment she’ll be walking into... it brought a considerable amount of shame to my heart to admit how awful these people are, and how I aspired to be exactly like them at one point in my life. Although I never said as much, I think she might’ve picked up on my fears that I’m truly no better, and she... well, did her usual Blake thing and offered for us to show up at the gala and then immediately run away, find a nice ice cream parlour, and settle down for a treat. While I’m not sure if her advocacy for avoiding the whole thing came from jest or seriousness, it made me laugh, because I honestly think it would be a much better way to spend an evening. Ice cream with a dear friend beats sitting in my apartment watching reruns and doing paperwork, anyway, and I do so enjoy her company. Alas, that seemed to be the extent of her concern regarding the events, and she’s steadfast in her courage to handle the whole ordeal with that quiet little smile of hers. I’ve recently begun to think how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends, and Blake comes in very high on that list.

However, by bringing it up again, it seems I unintentionally gave Blake the idea that I might want to take someone else instead. Preposterous, mind- no one else can read Yang half as well, aside from Ruby, and I’ll not be bringing that miniature tornado anywhere near these morons for fear she’ll either become embarrassed or challenged, neither of which would end well for all parties involved- and it took a fair amount of time to convince her otherwise. Truthfully, I can’t imagine bringing anyone else with me, not only to keep an eye on Winter and Yang but because I don’t think I’d want to have anyone else at my side when the vultures begin to circle. Blake’s seen... well ‘my worst’ is a bit misleading, since I’d like to think I’d grown a bit by the time we met, but certainly not my best. She’s seen the ugly side, the part I’m still trying to weed out from my soul, and knowing that I’m walking back into the garden where it grows wild- again I find myself questioning if this is the right decision to make. But that’s what the back-up plan is for, I must remember that. I’m a Schnee and I plan for every eventuality.

Anyway, setting aside the myriad of thoughts pinging around my head regarding this ridiculous gala, there’s what little I’ve gleaned about the communications between Yang and Winter, from the four most reliable sources.

From Winter’s perspective, she’s done everything she can to assure Yang that her presence is not only wanted but welcomed, and that anyone who makes her feel otherwise will be ‘dealt with’- a fine, empty threat at first, but there are times when I see a look come into Winter’s eyes I haven’t seen since her days in the military, and I’m not so sure ‘empty’ is the proper word. Of course she wouldn’t hold it against Yang if she didn’t want to go- really, neither of us could- but welcomed the company, and supposedly she admitted that she’s looking forward to seeing Yang in her dress again. It's both strange and fascinating to watch how quickly those jagged, rough edges from our childhood and beyond are melted away when Winter talks about Yang. I think 'smitten' is putting it lightly; I don't doubt Winter would fight the whole Atlesian army with one arm behind her back if Yang asked her to, and she'd do it with a smile. It's actually adorable and I never thought that would be an apt description for my little sister.

From Yang's take, I'm beginning to think this attraction goes much deeper for her. Not to say Winter's interest is purely superficial but it suddenly occurred to me that Yang never really showed much hesitation entering romantic relationships before or flirting with whoever caught her eye. She's dated before- and run the gambit as far as potential partners go- but the prospect of asking someone out or being asked out always seemed like no big deal. It might happen, it might not, but she didn't seem to concern herself with the outcome a great deal. Now, though? I swear, it's like she's worried the world might end if she makes the wrong move. Suddenly, every little thing she does matters, and it's stressing her out. On the one hand, I worry for my friend's health; it can't be good for her to continue worrying about how things might go. On the other... I'm a bit relieved she's taking this so seriously. Winter's rarely, if ever, spoken to me about her romantic leanings, seeing as the intimate nature of the conversation calls for... well, a closer relationship than we'd had for a few years. Now that we're actually talking about these little details, I can tell how serious she is about pursuing Yang, and knowing that an equal amount of care and consideration is being taken the other way around comforts me. However, Yang's sudden obtuseness and refusal to believe what's clear, plain as day in front of her face is vexing to the utmost degree.

Ruby's helped shed light on that. Apparently, I'm not in possession of all the facts regarding the sisters' upbringing. After Ruby's mother passed and Yang took over Ruby's care, their father shut down. I'd gleaned as much from their comments regarding their home life but I'd perhaps misjudged the duration; it seems quite clear that their father is still very upset over Yang's mother leaving him, as if he never truly healed from that loss even after all these years. In the back of their minds, the sisters have always wondered about the relationship between their father and Ruby's mother- if it was genuine love or merely a terrible coping mechanism- and that has made both of them reluctant to pursue anything serious in the romance department. It might be a fear of turning out like her mother holding Yang back or perhaps even taking after her father and falling into a deep depression if the relationship were to fail. Ruby's convinced it's just a phase, that Yang just needs a little more time before she'll come to the obvious conclusion that, yes, she likes Winter just as much as Winter likes her and they should give dating a chance.

The final bit of the puzzle is Penny, surprisingly enough. We talked a bit when I drove her over to Ruby's apartment, and she was very open and honest about how Winter's been acting when she thinks no one is looking. Penny hasn't expressed concern, per se, but she's noted that Winter will sometimes be caught up in her own thoughts, humming the tune to some high tempo song, though she usually frowns when she notices that's what she's doing, and often appears contemplative before resuming her humming. When I asked her what sort of songs Winter hums, she informed me rather bluntly that they're the kind Yang listens to- driving rock ballads with brash vocals. I'm not entirely sure what Winter does and doesn't tell Penny, so I opted to leave it at a comment on how I didn't think her musical tastes tended that way. At which point, Penny rather bluntly informed me that Winter had started listening to that sort of music because Yang did, and that probably had something to do with why she would frown from time to time about it; it probably made her think of Yang and miss her, because they don't spend nearly as much time together as Penny spends with Ruby or I spend with Blake.

Ultimately, the only logical conclusion I can draw is that I need to engineer more opportunities for Winter and Yang to interact, to help both of them get over themselves. Hopefully, with the gala just two short weeks away, I can provide plenty of excuses for just that. I'm sure they can sort through their respective issues together, in time. Absolutely.

July 10th- Dear Diary, I've orchestrated two more small gatherings. My intent is to have Blake assist me in providing Winter and Yang with plenty of one-on-one time. We'll see how it goes. Here's hoping for the best!

7 - 12

I. I gotta write this down. Fifty years from now, when I’m old and grey and can’t remember my name, I want to remember THIS NIGHT. Holy shit. Where do I start?

So, Weiss called me up a couple days ago saying she wanted to have a “game night” with Blake, Winter, and me- which, for one, surprising she didn’t invite Ruby, but Rubes is hanging with Penny so I GUESS I understand it, but even so- and I was like, sure, I’m game (I’m hilarious). Well, we get there tonight, and wouldn’t you know it, little Miss Frosty thought it would be a good idea to bust out Remnant: The Game. I INTRODUCED HER to this thing and she thinks she can beat me? AND she doesn’t bother inviting Ruby, the only person to give me hell over the years? Oh, it’s ON.

But it goes way beyond that. Because GUESS WHO starts off the night by mentioning how we’re all tragically at a disadvantage? Winter. Because of course the woman who served time in the military things she’d got the chops to play against ME.

So now I’ve already got my list of priority targets and a plan: put Blake between me and Winter, let them duke it out while I eliminate Weiss (safest bet since she always charges into a battle and never reinforces her back line) and then sweep Blake away in time to DESTROY Winter. It’s a matter of pride at this point; I ain’t gonna make it easy for her to use whatever tactical insight she might have over me to her advantage! I’ll go toe-to-toe with her at the end but I’m not about to get knocked down early!

The first few turns go exactly like I expect. Blake picks Menagerie (which, by the way, props to Weiss for getting the expansion, I really wish they’d include Menagerie in the base game) and Weiss goes for Mantle. I’ve got Vale and Winter picks Mistral- and I gotta ask her at some point to tell me some stories from there. She talks about it pretty fondly and soldiers get up to all sorts of mischief I can only dream of; she’s gotta have a few good ones. Anyway, I leave just enough of a weak point that Blake can’t resist cutting me off from Menagerie, but it also puts her squarely between me and Winter, so check THAT box. Meanwhile, I poked Weiss over in Mantle and she’s ready to make me pay. I’ve got enough good cards from my first few hands, so I’m building up my defenses in preparation for my strike.

And then Winter, this beautiful, wonderful, ridiculous woman sees RIGHT THROUGH ME and back doors her way into Vacuo, decimating the NPC defenses to establish a stronghold, completely letting Blake control the trade routes.

So, at this point, I’m impressed! But it takes more than that to beat YANG XIAO LONG at her own game!

The next few turns are pretty standard- except, like, Blake and Weiss started... HARDCORE FLIRTING. I’m not even kidding; I never thought I’d see ONE person I could describe as “thirsty as fuck but classy about it” much less TWO, but here I am, sitting front row to the “Weiss and Blake need to get a room wow” show. Winter didn’t seem to notice but, hey, I got EYES for this sort of stuff, I know when my friends are pining, and I sure AS HELL know when they REALLY want to make the first move but they’re too chicken shit. I decided to let them keep flirting; honestly, as long as they’re preoccupied with each other, they’re not giving me ABSOLUTE HELL which is pretty necessary after a few bad hands and a shit dice roll. Luckily, I’ve adjusted my defenses, so I’m ready if Winter strikes, but I think I’ll have to do the pragmatic thing and take Weiss out first. Between the two of them, Weiss is more likely to help her sis out even in a game, and I can’t fight a war on two fronts and succeed at this stage.

Then comes the moment of truth; I’ve just duked it out with Blake and we’re both weak, weak enough that Weiss COULD over extend and nearly wipe one of us from the board, and it’s an opportunity she’s NEVER passed up before. I’m ready to start cursing when Weiss goes AND ROUTS BLAKE! Like, it was BRUTAL! She ran herself thread bare just trying to reach the furthest spot BUT SHE DID IT. In one turn, Blake’s lost every territory she had, and she’s out of the game. 

But then it’s MY turn, and I hit on the three cards I needed, and Weiss spread herself WAY too thin. I’m in awe at my luck. I proceeded to absolutely STEAMROLL Weiss off the map, eliminating TWO PLAYERS in ONE TURN. Like. I’ve been playing this game FOR YEARS and I’ve never seen that!

So now it’s down to me and Winter. I honestly lost track of where Blake and Weiss went after that turn; they might’ve gone to the living room or something, I don’t know, because I am FOCUSED. Winter’s got a solid hold on Mistral and Vacuo, but I’ve got Menagerie, Mantle, AND Vale. Downside: I’m stretched thin. Not thin enough for me to be worried, but I know I’ll need to commit to a front. Winter’s pretty strong, all things considered, and I can’t bank on my perks to carry the game; I know I’ve only got two turns max before Winter’s gonna to cut through my lines like a hot knife through butter and wreck all my perks AND my supply lines.

And that was when I saw it. A side of Winter I hadn’t seen before. I got to see SOLDIER Winter, OFFICER Winter, the woman who’d held lives in her hands and made the tough calls and had to find a way to sleep at night with them.

Let me just say: I’ve never seen anything hotter. The pure focus, the grim determination, just how serious she was taking it- I might know that this is just a board game but I could see in her eyes that the miniatures on the board represented more than just plastic to her. For all the strength in her posture as she looked down at the game, I could see the cracks. Winter had only attacked the NPCs in Vacuo, which are almost impossible to NOT beat; now she’d be facing off against me, and it would be harder to come out of the fights without casualties.

And- she was RELUCTANT. Beneath the confidence and pride, there was a vulnerability. She didn’t want to lose, yeah, but more than that she didn’t want to lose her troops. Winter...  she CARED. About the little plastic figures, she really did, and when I pointed out as much, she brushed it off, but I could still see it. The way she picked up the dice like they were toxic and how she steeled her nerves.

When she looked at me right then, I was SO FUCKING GLAD I was sitting down because HOLY SHIT my knees went weak. This is a woman with cold fire in her veins, at once not wanting to burn but ready to incinerate, ready to do what she must but also obviously wishing she had another option. 

And suddenly, I GOT IT. Like, it all made sense- how she’d had a rough relationship with Weiss when they were younger, how the military helped her see the error of her ways, her attempts to reconnect with Weiss- everything about Winter clicked into place at that moment. She’s always seen herself as someone who wanted to do something, something more, but couldn’t find a way to accomplish it. So instead, she became devastatingly good at the things she NEVER WANTED TO DO. And now she’s at a point where she CAN go those other routes but SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW! But she’s tryin anyway, and that- I can’t even think of the words but it just, it gets me? Like, deep in my soul, I just resonate with that so much, with that burning desire to try even when you don’t know, to stumble through, but I at least am willing to fall flat on my face. Winter isn’t, at least not yet, but I think she just needs someone to show her it’s okay to stumble. Someone’s gonna be there to catch you.

So before we really got into it, I pointed out that it was really late and I have work early in the morning- which, for the record, isn’t a lie! I do have the early shift tomorrow! Then I suggested we call it a draw.

I’ve never seen anyone agree with me so quickly. Or look so relieved. I don’t think we should play Remnant: The Game again anytime soon; it’s obviously still too soon for Winter to be really entertaining stuff like that. But, damn, for what I saw tonight?

If I wasn’t already crushing so hard, I’d be worried my poor little heart would give out on me. There’s so many layers to her and every little peek just makes me want to see more! Weiss also invited us to a movie night later in the week; I’m dyin’ already to get to it!

I honestly didn’t think I could get this bad. And we’ve got that fancy party coming up! I wish I could bottle up this feeling and pull it out on rainy days. Nothing’s bringing me down any time soon!

20170715

I find myself motivated, putting pen to paper again, though for a much different reason than last time. I hope that looking back on my words might provide me with some sort of insight because, at present, I find myself too entirely possessed of a number of emotions to even begin processing them all.

Earlier this week, Weiss invited me to a game night, which seemed such a mundane and normal part of civilian life that I admittedly jumped at the opportunity. Little did I know, Yang would also be present, as well as Blake- the latter is a rather interesting character and seemed a touch intimidated when we spoke, though I’m not sure why. I’ll investigate more into that matter at a later point.

Anyway, throughout the game- a military strategy game; I should’ve expected such from my sister, rather than cards- I found myself consistently losing focus. I shouldn’t have chosen Mistral as a starting point. It made ascribing names to the figurines under my command far too easy, and with Terry’s recent transfer to Vacuo, I set myself up for a rather trying time. 

And I think... no, I’m sure Yang picked up on that. She’s perceptive- and clever, trying to set me up to take out Blake while she focused on Weiss, but that’s another matter- and she called an early end to the game before things got out of hand.

Now, I’m recently returned from a movie night among the same company and I’m... conflicted. It occurs to me that Yang is friendly, overtly so, and that her actions might just be those of a concerned acquaintance with perhaps a little first hand knowledge of the trials I face. But I find myself wanting to take them as something different, as a prospective partner trying to be supportive. It’s not fair to either of us, perhaps, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it.

I honestly can’t recall much of the movie. I’m sure Weiss meant well, opting for a storyline with action, but the military setting... it reminded me too much of the life I’ve left behind. The fact it was a “historical” representation of one of Atlas’ most famous battles also chaffed me raw; significant license was taken in many regards, and each inconsistency piled upon each other until I was fidgeting more than I was still.

But Yang noticed and put a hand on my arm, talked quietly so I had something else to focus on during the hard-to-watch scenes. She’s such an open and caring individual; I truly doubt I’ve ever done anything worthy of her presence in my life. Even as just a friend, I am more than grateful for her.

And I had the opportunity to repay the favor. I suppose I’m the only one she feels confident speaking with regarding her birth mother; she mentioned having a solid lead on a location for her again and a few of the reasons she can’t pursue it immediately. Although Blake seemed to be of a mind that she should leave the past alone, I encouraged her to seek her own closure. I even offered to accompany her.

I’m not entirely sure she’ll take me up on the offer but I believe I saw Yang’s eyes light up, shine in a manner that I’ve rarely seen. I assured her I would be able to get the time off from work with no trouble and that Penny can always stay with a friend while I’m gone.

I don’t know what possessed me to say all that, to make the offer in the first place- I’m not sure if I can actually get the time off or if I’d be comfortable leaving Penny alone. She’s improving by leaps and bounds since she met Ruby- and she’s apparently made new friends in a Pyrrha and Nora, who appear to be other friends of Ruby’s, and Weiss seems familiar enough to not be concerned- but I still feel confident I’d stand by the offer were she to take me up on it.

I’m a woman of meticulous planning. I calculated every step, even when unexpected obstacles appeared. My plans might’ve changed vastly in the past few years but that doesn’t mitigate the work I put into making those plans to begin with.

So how could I be moved to something so rash as a trip to the border? It would be at least a day’s journey by airship, perhaps warranting an overnight stay, and if Yang had said she was leaving tomorrow morning, I’d be packing a bag rather than writing all this out.

I fear that my feelings for Yang are getting the better of my judgment. More, I’m quite certain nothing ill will come of it, and for someone who sees the danger in everything, I’m aware enough to realize I may be making a grave mistake.

But this isn’t nearly as serious as I’m making it out to be, is it? Romantic entanglements, regardless of intensity or brevity, are ultimately a surmountable challenge, a wound that can heal with time if things go awry.

What I mean is: I think my affections for Yang may go deeper than I initially thought. And even if I’m destined for heartache... I think I’m okay with that.

I’m obviously not in my right mind. I’ll not be confessing my undying love anytime soon, of course.

But I will be packing an ‘A’ bag tonight. If Yang wants to go, I will support her, and I’ll be ready to support her if she opts to go alone.

More and more of my plans are involving Yang. So, too, do they involve Weiss and Penny.

Is this what it’s like to have a family?

July 19, 2017

This is just a post to say that I am extremely nervous Because it’s two days until the party and while Fire and Ice are dancing around each other even more than before, I’m also going with Princess, and she’s been unbearably sweet the last few weeks? I’m not even sure what’s going on anymore???

Even though she absolutely destroyed me in a board game last week. Like, absolutely wrecked me. But she wrecks me every time she smiles at me, so I guess it’s no surprise there!

Anyway, I might be scarce the next few days. Enjoy the queue in the meantime.

July 21st- Dear Diary, This is perhaps premature, but I’m about to finish my preparations for the gala. I’ve been texting Blake and it seems like she’s battling a last minute bout of nerves; she offered for us to run off to a movie theatre if I’d rather not have ice cream. I suppose that means our movie nights and little watch parties are rather enjoyable for her.

I hope tonight goes well. I think it’s rather apparent that Yang and Winter are getting closer; they seem to be confiding in each other more. Only a few more nudges and they’ll be together, I’m sure of it!

P.S. ... it’s too early to tell if this was a massive mistake or the best thing that could’ve happened. I think we all learned a lesson tonight... I also need to treat Blake to a dinner... and do something for Pyrrha and Nora...

Personally? I think I’m inclined to count tonight as a win regardless. But I should contact some lawyers just in case.

7 - 21

LET THE RECORD SHOW.

I FUCKED UP.

I REALLY FUCKED UP.

20170721

When I found Penny, I learned what the phrase ‘mother’s intuition’ truly meant.

When I finally reached out to Weiss, I learned what the phrase ‘unconditional love’ truly meant.

Today, I learned what the phrase ‘I am living’ meant, because there is no more apt a descriptor for this sensation.

I’m calling Yang first thing tomorrow morning. I’d hate for her to think I might be cross about the whole debacle. To be frank, I can’t stop smiling, even as I pen this. I will relish the look on Father’s face until my death bed, and even after.

And I need to thank Weiss for making this all possible. 

Right now, I’m going to drink a glass of wine to celebrate.

July 21, 2017

... I’m going to eventually make a longer post about tonight (yep, the party, just got back, though ‘escaped’ might be the better term) and you know... in my free time, I come up with as much fictional content as my fingers can produce... and if I’d read a description of tonight, I’d leave a comment about how the suspension of disbelief is a very real thing and the events portrayed completely destroyed it... but here I am, having seen with my own eyes... and I have to say...

... truth really is stranger than fiction.

July 22, 2017

Who wants the dirty details on last night? Check below the cut.

I just have to get this out. I swear, on all the fanfic I’ve ever produced, that what I’m about to describe actually happened. I know none of you are going to be inclined to believe it though. I’m still not sure I do.

So Princess’ party, the one where I was basically there to help babysit Ice and Fire. It was at this museum- because I guess that’s what the upper echelons of society think is cool, just milling around surrounded by ‘interesting’ things to make up for their emptiness; I might be a little bitter- but we arrived in grand style. Limousine, Princess escorting me while Ice escorted Fire, glasses of champagne and insincere inquiries into our health and such- if I believed for one second any of it was real, I might’ve been charmed. For all the boring small talk, standing beside Princess... I’m forced to admit there was a certain romantic quality to it.

Okay, before I go into the other stuff, allow me to gush first. Princess... I suppose it would be rather accurate to say I adopted the moniker for her at first to mock her. Then, it became something of a joke- a lighthearted tease. But last night, I swear, I am entirely sincere when I say she looked like a Princess. I could wax poetic about this for a while but I’ll try to tone my gay down a little. I dunno what it was but seeing her in such formal attire... the only regret I have is that she wore more makeup than usual. I’m not against a little foundation of course- and I... probably go a little overboard on the eyeliner and eye shadow- but it covered up her scar. Honestly, I think that is the one thing that encouraged me to get to know her, above all else; it hinted at something much deeper than what I took at face value. Aside from that, she just... carried herself differently. Regally, almost. I’ll admit, I prefer when she’s relaxed and casual- as much as she gets, anyway- but... I definitely see the appeal of her more formal posture. And, yes, for all those who asked: we did get to dance and I didn’t fall flat on my face. I mean, we spent most of it talking about Ice and Fire but... I noticed she danced much closer to me than Fire did when she was teaching me. And she felt so comfortable with me, like she was really enjoying it. That part? I couldn’t write something that magical.

Anyway, about an hour in, everyone’s moved past the polite part and the gossip machine is starting up. I think the whole cataclysm of events started with someone making a snide remark to Ice about her somewhat recent adoption of a child she’d found (I’ll admit I don’t have all the details but from what I understand it was an important turning point in Ice’s life that steered her back towards Princess and repairing their relationship as sisters) and that got Fire going. I may complain about her propensity to make puns and lewd jokes, but there’s this other side to it that people don’t really acknowledge much. You have to be extremely well versed in conversation and language to not only make those sort of jokes but to steer others into creating opportunities for you to do so; the people who best utilize it are also the ones who tend to make more puns and innuendos than any other, because they’re constantly aware of what’s being said and what lies beneath what’s being said. (A skill I am woefully lacking in, despite what you all might think; I’m certain there’s a sex joke in there that I can quite articulate but Fire certainly could. Without blushing.) With an opening created- and something of a single mother herself, considering her family- Fire went off in the classiest way, with the sweetest smile and keeping a tight lid on her anger. At first, at least.

And then Princess’ father decided to join the conversation. I’ll have tea with the devil before I subject myself to his company again. Honestly, after meeting him myself, it’s an absolute wonder anyone connected to him could have a scrap of a soul, with as black as his is. I’m just going to refer to him as Douchebag McMustache for the rest of this- I don’t really care about how long that is; the accuracy is more important to me. (And I did say it to his face, so it’s not like I’m being duplicitous.)

After Douchebag McMustache butts in, things start getting tense. Princess and Ice are cold towards him- and I mean below absolute zero. I’ve never seen either of them just... wall themselves off like that. It was terrifying, if I’m honest, because it didn’t sound the least bit like they weren’t used to it. I’m fairly certain that’s how they must’ve been for most of their lives, to everyone. Just... cold, biting, and bitter. Icebergs lingering in the dark, adrift at sea.

By that point, I... well, I was getting mad. Every word, every movement he made, all he did was cut down their accomplishments and make light of their triumphs. And all these mindless, rich, stuck up assholes just chortled right along with him, encouraging him even more to continue dragging them through the mud. I think it was when he pointed out Princess’ scar, how it must be so difficult for her to find a ‘respectable date’ given such a ‘horrific deformity’ that I snapped.

So, I did what any sane person would do in that situation. Douchebag McMustache is the CEO of a large corporation. I proceeded to list off every setback, every public affairs disaster, every little shred of doubt that might make an investor a bit nervous. And then I used his own words about me against him. He’s a racist bastard- that much I’d already known- but he decided to go the standard route of implying I must be of subpar intelligence purely because of the ears on my head. So, obviously, if someone as dumb as me can see how terribly the company is being managed, how their profits will be taking a sharp dive soon, how his ability to contain situations is severely lacking, then it’s bound to be known by the public, and then I proceeded to cite every single article and report to back up everything I’d said. I did my research before walking into that lion’s den; it took a few all nighters, but I have more than enough shade to throw on anyone who might’ve tried trading verbal barbs with me. When he accused me of trying to undermine the trust others might have in him, I admitted that I intended nothing of the sort. I just wouldn’t want to have any of my money tied up with him when those stock prices start falling, is all.

Because that’s how you get the attention of people like this. Physical harm, emotional scaring, environmental concerns- that doesn’t shake them, but mention how that pocketbook of theirs might suffer? Now you’ve got them by the balls.

I expected to get a few snide comments, some side looks, and maybe even a threat or two. I was ready for that. I don’t think Princess was- my reaction, at least, if nothing else- but... maybe it’s my optimism talking, but I swear, I think Weiss absolutely supported every word that came out of my mouth. You should’ve seen the way she looked at me then; it was more than gratitude it was... almost admiration? Perhaps something softer? The part of me that just wants to tell her that I might be falling in love with her wants to say that it was adoration and pride, but I think that’s reaching a bit too far.

Anyway, the moment it became obvious that the other guests were discreetly checking the articles themselves- and maybe even making arrangements to sell off their stocks- is when things really got out of hand. Douchebag McMustache doesn’t have the same calm, cold, steely resolve as his daughters; he got angry, and he said something absolutely disgusting that I won’t repeat. The basic gist: not only did he grievously insult his daughters, and their mother, but every woman out there, so add ‘misogynist’ to the list of ‘reasons this man is an absolute asshole’.

Now, one thing you must understand about Fire: she’s an extremely intelligent woman. She hides it sometimes beneath jokes and charm, but she’s keen. However, when it comes to almost anything, she’s more prone to acting on instinct and using her strength to her advantage.

So she absolutely walked straight up to Douchebag McMustache and said something to him- it was so low, not even I could pick it up. Whatever it was, it prompted him to take a swing at her.

And that was when he fucked up.

She decked him. Straight to the face, didn’t hold anything back, absolutely decked him. I heard the nose crunch and everything, watched him go flying back.

I’d like to say we stayed there and turned the whole party into a brawl. I’d really like to say that. But Ice immediately reacted, rushed over to Fire and told her to grab me and get the hell out of there. Which we did, because Princess is nothing less than thorough; she’d had an escape plan in place since the beginning. 

After we got picked up and whisked away, Fire... well... I think it hit her pretty hard that she just laid out the father of her crush. Don’t get me wrong! I really didn’t think Ice was upset with her over it last night, told her as much, and she called this morning to confirm as much! But, ya know. I’ve mentioned Fire’s always been concerned about having an anger management problem and things like this make her worried that she’s, I dunno, turning into some red eyed rage monster or something. 

I haven’t talked to Princess yet. I figure she’s going to be way too concerned about Ice and Fire to really

Well, speak of the devil. She’s calling me now. I’ll give all of you an update at some point.

July 22, 2017

I said I’d give you an update and here it is, fresh off the presses: I am very gay.

That is all. Stay tuned for more of me flailing while trying not to crush on my friend.