#Mr. gristle

[feel-the-fire]

Actual photo of my last four brain cells.

[cutoutdalek]

I'm sorry but I'm enraptured by Mr. Gristle from The Boxtrolls movie. He has so few lines and yet.. he carries the entire movie.

On the villain wiki, he is crimes are: kidnapping, attempted murder, theft, and aiding and abetting. A terrifying wrap sheet for the character described as "perhaps the most sociopathic of the Red Hats, second only to Snatcher himself." This is by no means a means to eradicate his in-universe crimes, simply the description of a reaction to the artistry of a beautifully done character.

His acrobatics are second to none!! Flying through the air and flipping??? Holy shit the artistry. The animators on The Boxtrolls deserve seven consecutive raises and a box of chocolates shaped like hearts and three bouquets of hypoallergenic flowers.

And his lines!!! Simple, to the point, clearly illustrating who he is and what he values. Beautiful. My favourites are: "throat," "acquire," "leeches," "shhh," and "i have lost a lot of blood." They simply carry the entire movie. Mr. Tracy Morgan I must thank you for that beautiful voice acting.

To make a long story short, Mr. Gristle, if you were real, you would be a horrid, awful, and rancid. But, as a fictional character, you are beautiful. 10/10 job. Congratulations on making it.

[captain-crowfish]

I felt like this needed to be made Textless/tansparent version below

[california99]

Important cali side characters

[masochismustango]

tried something new - what do you think about it? C:

[rocksibblingsau]

So a very good friend of mine @dialga64bitz has created the Reverse Rock Sibblings AU.

(Art by Dialga)

The premise is the fateful day, instead of Barb finding Branch, Branch finds Barb. They encountered some sort of beast and Branch finds Barb injured and brings her back to the village, believing her to be a grey troll.

Barb kinda immediately latches on to Branch as a sibling, which makes her not want to leave. Also preventing her from going home is that she believes her dad may have died in the attack, and going home would cement the reality. In Pop Village she can pretend he's fine, but if she goes home and he's not there... then she knows.

King Peppy isn't happy with Barb being there, which is fine by here because she doesn't like him either. Because of her, Cooper realizes he's not a Pop Troll very early on, and resolves to go find his family when he gets older.

(Art by Dialga)

Barb lives with Branch in his bunker, and after some time she kind of begins to like to snack pack.

Cooper: She befriends him first, and he asks her about different tribes.

Smidge: Her and Barb are work out buddies!

Biggie: Not a big fan of him exactly but she likes Mr. Dinkles.

Satin & Chenille: They tried to make her rock clothes to varying success. They see it as an ultimate fashion challenge.

DJ Suki: They chillax together.

Guy Diamond: Honestly she can't stand this guy but she can respect his confidence. When Tiny is born though she immediately names herself Aunt Barb and dotes on him.

Poppy: They have a very up and down relationship. She appreciates that Poppy genuinely tries, but Poppy's tendency to not listen or do things the Pop Troll way caused them to butt heads often.

(Art by Dialga)

The night of the 20th anniversary Barb leaves the bunker to go check on the party, only to arrive just in time for Chef to appear. Due to Barb, the Pop Trolls were all able to escape being caught. Only a single Troll was caught by Chef...

(Art by Dialga)

Barb is captured by Chef and taken to the castle. She avoids getting eaten by Gristle due to being a bit too hard to swallow (she's not making it easy) and Chef listened to her for long enough to know exactly what to threaten Barb with.

Sell out the Pop Trolls and she'd spare her and her brother. If she didn't, she'd do something far worse to Branch and make Barb watch.

Barb reluctantly chose to save Branch.

[accmor0]

Kismet Boy band AU Timeline

Also some things about them (also HC)

Trickee

Tribe: Pop Troll, Sub-Tribe: Sport Troll

Family: Aspen Heitz (Older brother)

Friends: Harper, Creek (ex friend), Poppy, Dj Suki, Biggie,Mr Dinkles, Fuzzbert,

Future friends: Branch,Hype,Boom, Ablaze, The K-Pop gang, Tresillo, Marimba, Tambora, King Gristle, Prince D.

He's the same age as Floyd

He was the one who planned to create a boy band.

Ablaze

Tribe: Rock Troll

Family: Blaze (Older Brother)

Friends: Riff, Val, Rose, Romper, Demo, Floyd.

Future friends: Branch,Hype, Boom,Trickee, King Gristle.

Loves rock but feels more comfortable with pop but he kept it hidden

He was in his brother's band (Was the vocalist)

He joined Kismet because he wanted the opportunity to sing pop music.

Hype

Tribe: Pop Troll

Family: Boom (Twin) Sky Toronto (Father)

Friends: Guy Diamond, Branch, Poppy, Gia Grooves, Creek (ex friend),

Future friends: Trickee, Ablaze, The K-Pop gang, Tresillo, Marimba, Tambora, King Gristle, Prince D.

He had a solo period before forming the band

Although it was Trickee who created the group, Hype is the leader

Boom

Tribe: Pop Troll

Family: Hype (Twin) Sky Toronto (Father)

Friends: Guy Diamond, Smidge, Biggie, DJ Suki, Satin & Chenille, Poppy, Cooper, Fuzzbert, Ripley, Maddy

Future Friends: Trickee, Ablaze, Branch, King Gristle, Prince D, The K-Pop gang, Tresillo, Marimba, Tambora.

Boyfriend: Striped Smiley

He was part of the Snack Pack before Creek came

I didn't have much of a relationship with Branch before the band was formed.

Branch

Tribe: Pop Troll

Family: Rosie Puff (Grandmother) JD, Sp/Bruce, Clay, Floyd (older brothers)

Friends: Hype, Dennis, Poppy.

Future friends: Trickee,Boom, Ablaze, The Snack Pack, King Gristle, Bridget, The K-Pop gang, Prince D, Tresillo, Marimba, Tambora.

He and his grandma survived the bergens together.

When his Rosie died of natural causes, Branch's ears pricked up at the fact that his brothers don't know about the tragic death of his grandmother.

Branch has an obsession with being perfect in everything so that his band doesn't break up just like Brozone did.

I didn't put Trolls 3 because Brozone are not focused on the AU

[alleycatchitchat]

TROLLS BAND TOGETHER SPOILERS

SO I WATCHED TROLLS BAND TOGETHER!!! MANY FEELINGSS! INCOHERENT!!!

I have SO much to say and think about this movie (positive) buuut I need a few days, or maybe weeks, to process... but I made some notes while watching just to chronicle the emotional journey I was experiencing, and wanted to share! There are SPOILERS here, please PLEASE do not read if you don't want to see spoilers!!

Ready? Ok:

"Let's play some rummy! But I won't let you win, because I play for the money" i think im in love

BRIDGET WEDDING JUMPSUIT FUCK YEAH 😭😭

"I can't remember all my suitors, Grissie" yes you go girl. you're powerful and amazing and people love you, don't ever forget it

apparently poppy casually refers to branch as her boyfriend and that's normal now. i'm (choke) gonna need (sob) gonna need a minute here guys

love that floyd signs his letters "the sensitive one" like yeah babe pretty sure your brother knows who you are no need to specify

sweet dreams IS featured in this movie!! omg im so happy you have no idea. i saw somewhere that velvet and veneer performed that song and it's my favorite ever and i was SO freaking excited to see it featured in one of my favorite franchises but i couldn't find it when the soundtrack came out so i thought it was fake but its not im so happy

peppy how many more dark secrets are you hiding?? he was so straightforward in the first movie but now it looks like he's just gonna keep pulling bigger and weirder hidden drama out of his sleeve as the franchise progresses. not necessarily a complaint just something i noticed

floyd is branch's favorite brother CONFIRMED

floyd! the sass!! ok he's DEFINITELY related to branch and also i think i love him

FLOYD SWEETHEART BABYGIRL DONT BE SAD I CANT HANDLE THAT

“Branch? One word. KEEPER”

Wait but how can floyd be my favorite brozone member when bruce is also so wonderful

I can also totally see the family resemblance between branch and bruce when they simp over their girls

I KNEW peppy was gonna be talking to mr dinkles i knew it i knew it

Also just so happy to see them acknowledge the events of the original movie. Don’t think bridget and gristle were even in TWT?? And the trolls’ history with the bergens in HUGE, and something that they shouldn’t have just written out of the story like that

They’re going to FLUSH floyd?????

Yes clay grandma got eaten try to keep up

Floyd and branch hugging THROUGH the glass is everything i ever wanted and also killing me slowly and painfully

I mean i guess its diamond not glass but you get the idea

“Its fine. we’re not gonna press charges”

Anna is unfrozen with the power of sisterly love but short, male, and blue

Do i like veneer now? What’s happening?

Wow. branch has come a long way since the first troll movie, and i didn’t know how to feel abut that because i was so nostalgic, but seeing him happy and confident like this makes me feel so at peace. yess i know he’s a fictional children’s character what of it

[tantei-chan01]

Did you know Branch was originally going to be the one Velvet and Veneer had kidnapped? That would be extremely traumatic for him in the mute au since he had just gotten to the point he felt comfortable even singing in front of other people and not running for cover whenever Bridget or Gristle comes by and suddenly MORE giants are kidnapping him and trying to use his talents specifically because he started singing again.

I like to think in that circumstance, Bridget and Gristle would postpone the wedding to support Poppy, but John Dory would somehow still crash some important even they were a part of, that Poppy would still insist on going with John to save Branch and probably be joined by more than a few guests, maybe even Bridget while Gristle stays back (someone has to watch the kingdom and while he may be bros with Branch, he also knows his first Troll friend is justifiably nervous around Bergans and probably gonna have a bad time if he sees him), and the group would not have as many jokes about Brozone still thinking Branch is a baby because A) he isn't there and B) his friends are and while they are all there for teasing their most introverted friend and learning about his past they cannot get over the fact Branch had been left alone for over 20 years with no family and suddenly they discover he had 4 older brothers who all presumably had jeut up and left

I did know about that and agree it would have gone much differently. Mr. Dinkles would have sent some critters to Mount Rageous to delay the performance for as long as possible.

Poppy would enlist the bounty hunters to help them track down the brothers. First, finding John Dory thanks to Delta's help. Him being horrified at the fact of his brother's kidnapping just as he was packing up to go see him and at the fact that he was also traumatized into losing his voice and turning gray and now this will just make it worse. Luckily he has clues that helps the group find the others.

Floyd would be performing in a small town when they find him. He immediately agrees to go with and feels guilty on what he's been informed about.

Bruce immediately jumps to save the baby of the family, which Brandy encourages and beats himself up for not thinking of going back for Branch after he found Vacay Island.

Clay can immediately tell what's going on after a few words and immediately packed a rescue bag, refusing to leave his brotherbehind again. Viva tries to keep them from leaving, but Poppy, who's already stressed with worry, shuts that down and tells her that sometimes you have to do scary things if it means protecting someone.

They make it to Mount Rageous, where the critters successfully delay the performance for another day, they find out where they live and sneak into the bedroom to find Branch. He's already lost a large amount of talent and can barely pull himself up. The brothers immediately hug the prison and express worry.

Crimp walks into the room and tries to tell Velvet and Veneer when the bounty hunters restrain her. They convince her to help them expose the two fakes of their crime. The brothers try harmonizing again, but it fails due to unresolved issues. Then Cooper asks if it really was necessary for them to be perfect?

He explains that it was something Branch always told Poppy and others trolls when they stressed out about it. He always says that perfection doesn't exist and that being yourself is enough. Velvet and Veneer walk in and immediately try to capture the trolls. The bounty hunters and critters distract them long enough for Poppy to start singing.

Everyone starts singing together and manages to break the prison, Branch landing in Floyd's arms, clearly exhausted and in bad shape but alive. Bridget bursts in the room with the authorities, Velvet tries to argue that they have no proof only for Crimp to reveal that she had livestreamed the entire thing. Veneer willingly gives himself up to the police while his sister fights the entire process.

They head back to Pop Village to get Branch checked out. Along the way, the brothers finally have a much needed talk with each other and agree that being separated for so long affected them in many ways and decided to work on their family relationship. With the help of licensed professionals.

[wulfums]

New intro post!

Wulf | 27 | Gay Man

Artist | Self Shipper | Fursuiter

I am fictosexual and am in love with Allan (Smiling Friends) and Scudworth + Mr B (Clone High.) I self ship as well!

Kofi (Comms open!) | Strawpage | Art Tag

Main Self Ship Tags: Allanwulf(Allan x Whatwulf), Hells Least Wanted / 3G (Grim x Gristle x Gnarly), Scudwulfertron (Scudworth x Wulfington x Mr B)

me and allan on a date :)

credits:

art up there by ponshroom

big allan crafted by fungusry

[feel-the-fire]

They’re heeeeeere. Thank you, eBay!!

[mad-voidling]

my dealer: got some straight gas 🔥⛽️😜 this strain called “Seeking Mr Eaten’s Name” you’ll be zonked out of your gourd

me: yeah whatever I don’t feel shit

5 minutes later: dude I swear I saw a brown-boned skinless eyeless scarecrow, tattered into tendoned gristle, sword still clutched firmly in the corner of the chapel just now

my buddy Mr Candles, pacing: is it opening, now, does it open? Are there snares we can grasp, to place them tinily in our flesh, as we will take the flesh of Vake-the-betrayer, black as the knives? Dear deep void those knives. My flesh was not meant for them. And their teeth like the tenderness of insects. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

[captain-crowfish]

[twistedvanillacoffee]

Unlawfully Wed

A Random Twisted Coffee Fic Fix

I watched the new Matlock tonight, and immediately banged out this silly idea. It's an AU of my AO3 fic, Witch Heart, set in the 20's/30's era with Human Alastor and his lawyer, [Reader].

TW: mentions of blood, suicide and bad language

SFW, but Minors no mining. I'm not anyone's mother.

That smile. Oh! how it could turn a world. Swooning listener fans. Spinning crooked cops. Snaking viperous quarry. Yet, seducing only her. Ever her.

Turning the hand worn steel knob, the door to the interrogation room whined open upon that smile. That grisly grin gleaming of its guilty guillotines beneath spattered spectacles. She knew what he’d done. She knew why he was there. It was written in plain black, white and red across his tuxedo. He’d been sloppy. Again. For whatever reason tonight; usually due to that insufferable friend of his, Mimzy, who was better at getting him in trouble, than herself out of it.

“Good evening. Apologies for the wait, but I had some calls to make.” Closing the door behind herself, [Reader] moved to the seat next to her client. Instinctively, he made a grab toward it; hoping to pull it out for her. But as his hands were cuffed to the table, he only succeeded in making the two cops across from him jump to their gun butts. “Easy, boys,” [Reader]’s voice held a lilt of fun, “you’re acting as though my client is capable of something.”

“You’re not getting him out this time,” the detective across the table blatantly stated. Jake Sandersen; young, boy scout, clean as a whistle and twice as loud mouthed. Especially, in comparison to his partner, David Trent; quiet, chain smoker, and whatever wasn’t muscle was pure gristle. Both of them had been chasing her client for little over a year. At this point, he was top of the tree of suspects. Though, no matter how much shit they threw, [Reader] ensured none of its stink could stick.

“Now, now,” [Reader] tsked unworried, “you’re beginning to make this look an awful lot like harassment, racial profiling, stalking, and gross negligence of justice again.”

“Not this time, bitch,” Jake sneered; leering over her business dress suit in such a way, she heard her client’s teeth scrape. “This time, we’ve got him dead to rights. Motive. Caught at the scene of the crime. Weapon. And two eye witnesses. I’d like to see this fucker smile his way outta this, this time.”

“Yes, about that,” she sighed, opening her briefcase as she pulled out the papers she’d been gathering. “Let’s see, it was Avery Jessip who died, yes?”

“How did…” Jake’s eyes widened as a slow fury began to set in. He knew where this was going. The tune had already been playing in her countenance, long before she sat down. A matched pair, those two; [Reader] every bit the slayer in a courtroom as her client was in the streets.

“I told you; I made some calls,” she replied with an ease he wanted to slap. “My client was at a party all night. These are three sworn, official witnesses that he was there. As you can see, the Mayor, the Mayor’s Aide, and the County Coroner were there. Who, incidentally, as of ten minutes ago, already ruled Avery Jessip a suicide.”

“Fucking impossible,” Jake leapt to his feet, with a shove upon the furniture. His emotions bolted freely; unlike the table fastened to the floor, and the upturn of his chair. “A fucking suicide?! How?! He stabbed himself in the back eleven times and then sliced his own throat?”

“Apparently, Mr. Jessip was extremely limber,” she retorted, “the world weeps for the loss of his talents.”

A sharp finger flew its darted stare toward her, followed with, “Your client was fucking found at the scene!”

“A good Samaritan, responding to the screams of your two eye witnesses—who found the victim long after the victim was dead,” she expertly dodged his accusation, “which, I might add, cannot be considered credible due to the lack of streetlights in the area this occurred.”

“The murder weapon was a sharpened letter opener, that has his name fucking on it,” Jake slammed his hands upon the table, but neither of his opponents bounced an inch. “Explain fucking that.”

“If you ever went to the gift shop of the Radio Station, you would see an entire section dedicated to my high profile client.” She placed a stack of papers upon the table, and slid them toward Jake’s flattened hands. “Among them are letter openers, that are the exact same as the one, our unfortunate Mr. Jessip, used upon himself. As you can see, in these, Mr. Jessip was an avid, rabid fan of my client. These are all documents acquired from the Radio Station detailing his stalking and unrequited love of my client. It makes perfect sense that he would kill himself with memorabilia of his obsession. My client is lucky that Mr. Jessip decided to take his clear, unwell mind out on himself and not toward others.”

“This is fucking insane,” Jake ran his hands through his hair, walking a bit away from the table, “fucking insane. I feel like I’m on drugs!”

“Careful what you say in here,” [Reader] reminded, closing her briefcase in a few clicks before standing, “you might need a lawyer next. Now then, if you have nothing else, release my client immediately. Otherwise, I’m calling Judge Gordon and filing for your suspension. Obviously, for the past year, you’ve become as obsessed of my client as Mr. Jessip was. And I’m beginning to worry for his safety.”

David—the cooler heads of the two detectives—moved toward the cuffs. Fishing in his pocket for the keys while his partner began to spout off sharply, “What the fuck are you doing! We fucking have him!”

“We had him,” David’s tone was an even keel, “now we don’t. Calm down, before you give yourself a heart attack. With scum like this, there’s always tomorrow. He can’t help it…it’s in his fucking blood…” David’s knowing stare bore deep into the silent laughing glint of the splattered spectacles.

In a click and clink, the wrists were free for fingers to rub. His tall, lean, angular body rose to tower a few inches above the cops that had once ranted and raved. Oh, how delicious it was to see their pained faces as he breathed his freedom. “Always a pleasure,” he stated with a wicked glee. Watching as Jake wound up to take a swing, but David held him back—stating how it wasn’t worth it.

[Reader] loudly clacked her heels to the door; drawing everyone’s attention as she opened it wide. Hearing behind her as Jake howled, “Just you fucking wait. That man is gonna run outta people to kill, and there will be just you. Bleeding out on the floor. And when that happens, when I come upon your crime scene, I’m gonna take a piss right in that pretty fucking mouth of yours.”

“So,” she tilted her head to the side, “you admit that you tamper with evidence at crime scenes.” Moving her attention toward the one-way glass window she stated, “Make sure that’s added to the record in my client’s growing file here. I’d hate to think that someone, as dumb as this cop, is getting away with miscarriages of justice such as that.”

Motioning to her client to go first, who did his very best not to laugh abruptly, she followed behind him out of the room. Neither one spoke; they knew the drill. No where was safe inside the precinct building. Once outside, she walked to her car; the waiting driver immediately starting the engine upon seeing her. Entering into the back seat, she closed the door and pulled in a deep breath. [Reader] could feel her client next to her; slipping in like a shadow, as the driver began to pull away.

“My, what a show that was,” her client marveled, grinning madly as he stretched his acquitted arms, “and they say I’m entertaining.”

“Why do you do this to me?” [Reader] groaned, leaning forward to rest her elbows upon her knees, and rub her temples. “Out of all my clients, you’re by far the worst.”

“Are you mad, my dear?” he asked, turning his head with his most dashing of smiles to her. That fucking grin. How she desperately wanted to hate it, hate him, but despite all odds couldn’t.

“No,” she sighed, easing back in the seat to look at him better. “I know who I work for, and you idiots are all alike. Being mad at you, is like being mad at that dumb deer that ruins my garden. I know what I’m growing, and I know how much he loves it; so, we’re at a standstill. Just… be more careful, okay? One day, I might not be here to protect you, Alastor.”

“Perish the thought,” Alastor took [Reader]’s hand, and gave it a gentle kiss. Warm, affectionate, and full of the words he couldn’t yet say to her. “But should that day come, I doubt I’d need you any further anyway.”

“Oh?” she raised a brow, blushing at his lips lingering upon her knuckles, “Why’s that?”

“Because, my dear,” his eyes were a promise, his lips a swear, his touch a vow she felt in every fiber of her being, “after my revenge upon the one who got you, I’ll be immediately looking for wherever you grow your new, beautiful gardens in the afterlife—like the dumb deer I apparently am.”

[masochismustango]

Sometimes the ideas for the future drawings that come to me can be both awesome and… horrifying. 🥴

small, but useless update:

[feyburner]

tumblr user feyburner, i have a confession. i don't know how to roast a chicken, or do anything with a chicken, and at this point i'm afraid to ask.

I can tell you're afraid to ask bc this isn't really a question. But I will answer it anyway. I'm always happy to talk about chicken.

You’ll be pleased to learn that roasting a chicken is so easy. The below explanation is quite long bc I am including all the information I can remember, to set you up for chicken roasting success. But, essentially, you’re rubbing a chicken in oil and seasonings and putting him in the oven for like an hour. Done.

Remember that people have been roasting whole chickens since the dawn of time using whatever they had around bc it’s the most low effort, high reward meal ever. You could say the word “salt” in a chicken’s general direction and toss him at a candle flame and he would still turn out great.  

To roast a chicken:

Buy a whole chicken, however big you want. 4-5 lbs is enough to feed 3-5 people with leftovers.

Prepare a workspace with a plastic cutting board (not wooden bc raw chicken juices) and paper towels. 

Remove the giblets, pin feathers, extra flaps:

1. Stick your hand up his primary orifice and pull out anything loose. There is usually a handful of little organs like heart and gizzards and sometimes these strings of pale bean looking things (tbh not sure what those are). Save these for stock, except the liver (super dark squishy organ) which will disintegrate. You can eat the liver separate if you want.

2. Trim off any sticky-outy bits that have pin feathers on them, and the flaps of fat/gristle over his orifice. Save the fatty bits for stock. Leave the triangle of fat directly above the orifice (his tail). 

Pat the chicken dry with paper towels inside and out. Get him as dry as possible. 

Spatchcock: You don’t have to spatchcock/butterfly but I like to, bc it maximizes outer surface area for that good good crispy skin. Also easier to get breasts and thighs done at the same rate.

All you have to do is cut the backbone out of the chicken with poultry shears or kitchen scissors if you’re desperate. Then push down hard to crack the breastbone so he lies super flat. Save the backbone for stock or jus. How to spatchcock step by step guide.

Dry brine: Prepare a bowl of coarse kosher salt. More salt than you’d think. Like 1 Tbsp per lb of meat. Rub salt over the whole chicken inside and out. Don’t skimp on the salt especially on the inside. It will not make your chicken crazy salty, it doesn't penetrate the meat that deep. Also some will be wiped off before you cook. 

Put the chicken on a wire rack on a baking sheet and chill uncovered in the fridge for 2-24 hours. The point of this step is the salt draws moisture to the surface of the chicken, which then evaporates in the circulating fridge air. It helps you get crispy chicken skin.

Dry brine + resting isn't 100% necessary, if for some reason you must produce a roasted chicken on a time crunch. But it's a good practice.

Roasting time:

Pat excess moisture off chicken inside and out. If you did not spatchcock you can stuff the inside with a halved lemon or garlic head, herbs, whatever you want. 

Seasoning rub: Prepare a small bowl with olive oil (maybe 1/4-1/3 cup?), salt, freshly cracked black pepper, and whatever dried herbs and spices you want. A good starter is: salt, pepper, parsley sage rosemary thyme, paprika, garlic powder, onion powder. I love me some Cajun spice mix like Slap Ya Mama. Start with like 1-2 tsp of each (1 tsp spices, 2 tsp dried herbs) and build from there. Don’t be shy. Recipes on the internet are like “Use 1/2 tsp herbs for this whole recipe” because they’re heading off 1-star reviews from annoying people who can’t handle a molecule of flavor. Season with your heart, your pussy, and your balls. Don’t be ashamed to use a store-bought spice rub. It’s not lazy, it’s efficient. Also, who gives a shit.

Rub the oil all over Mr. Chicken like he’s an Ancient Greek warrior-prince you’re preparing for the Olympic Games. 

Some recipes tell you to use butter, or slip butter under the skin, but butter has higher water content than oil and might not get you the ideal crispy skin. You can do whatever you want though. It’s your chicken. 

Preheat the oven to 425°. People will tell you a billion different temperatures—screaming hot, low and slow—but I’m here to tell you that it is so hard to fuck up a roast chicken, you can experiment and the results will always be great. 

I like to start at a high temp for 30 minutes to get the skin crisping and then reduce to 375° for the rest of the time to avoid burning. Sometimes you’ll have to cover him with foil if the seasonings start charring. That’s fine.

General cook time: 20 minutes per lb of meat, give or take 20 depending on oven temp. A 4-5 lb chicken at 425° -> 375° generally takes me ~1 hour 20 minutes. If you do low and slow at like 325° it might take 2+ hours. Just check on him periodically. Tbh it’s harder to overcook a chicken than you probably think. 5 minutes, or even 10-20 minutes, is NOT the difference between beautiful tender juicy chicken and a bone-dry tragedy. Chicken is not turkey. He is versatile and he can take it.

Pull the chicken when a meat thermometer inserted into the thickest part reads 145° or above. (160° is the “safe temp” but 1. The temp will continue to rise for a few minutes after it leaves the oven, and 2. 160° is the temp at which bacteria dies immediately. 145° is fine for eating. Disclaimer: I am not a scientist just a guy who makes a lot of chicken.)

If you don’t have a thermometer, pull the chicken when you insert a knife into the thickest part and the juices run clear. Gorgeous.

Let him sit for 10-20 minutes before carving. When carving, find the oysters and give them to your favorite person or take them as the Cook’s Bounty.

**********************

Again, this explanation is quite long because I included lots of detail. If you do it even one time, you'll realize it's incredibly easy and intuitive and doesn't take much time at all.

Godspeed!