#Moons done weirder crap

[deadlybean2019]

*leaves you this and runs away on all four like creetur*

;0

YUM YUM-

I hope you didn't want the cup back- it's mine now-

[elejah-wonderland]

Hellbound/1

Fanfiction

Part 1

This a tvd+to fanfiction story. Totally AU.

Premise:

The Mikaelsons helped the Mystic Falls Scoobies fight a clan of ancient werewolves called the Hundings. Klaus and Caroline paid the ultimate price, as well as Damon. But as it is the case in the magical world of the Mystic Falls vampires, death is not the end.

There is also a new adventure looming for the Mystic Falls Scoobies and their now friends, the Original vampires, as everything is somehow always connected to them. And so, they are Hellbound…

Main pairings_ Elijah MIkaelson x Elena Gilbert,

Rebekah Mikaelson x Stefan Salvatore

Kol Mikaelson x Bonnie Bennett

Damon Salvatore x Katherine Pierce

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆

thanks for reading - xoxo

* nate and kat gif is not mine

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】

As they landed Elena in Nova Scotia, Elena switched her phone on. There was a voicemail mesage from Jeremy. She played it.

"I guess you're on the plane. Hm-Caroline and Klaus were just here, as ghosts. Call me."

The Original siblings looked at one another stunned to hear the message. Elena made the call to Jeremy.

"Hey -we just landed." Elena said as her brother picked up the call.

"Hey... yeah... Caroline and Klaus woke me up."

"It was really them?!"-Rebekah said.

"As their ghostly self, yes." Jeremy replied.

"What did they say and why did they contact us?" Elijah said.

Jeremy now told them what Caroline told him.

"Sigrid Mikaelson?!" Kol uttered."Have you ever heard this name? Do we have more syblings we didn't know about?!"

"Who says we are the only Mikaelsons?!" Rebekah said.

Now Stefan raised a question,"What about your cousins?"

"Father didn't have any brothers or sisters" Rebekah explained.

"What about Grandmothers?" Bonnie then said.

"Not by that name." Elijah said.

"How much do you really know about your family?"-Stefan said looking at the Original vampires.

"You're right." Elijah said "It looks like so much is shrouded in secrets. But why?" "And why did my grandmother have it?" Bonnie said.

"Ok. Talk to you later, Jer. If they come to you again- call us." Elena said to him and gung up.

"Let's get settled and we can start with the research" Elijah suggested.

They all agreed.

Elijah had found a suitable house where they could all stay together.

****

New York, NY

Sophie packed her bag. She looked at the e-mail Bonnie had sent her.

"Grams told me that she doesn't know anything about a map. She has never been to Nova Scotia."

"Does it ever stop with the Mikaelsons?!" the witch muttered to herself looking at the clock. She then put her jacket on and picked up her keys. She glanced once more back at the apartment to make sure she hadn't forgotten something and then picked up her bag and walked out of the apartment.

***** Yarmouth, Nova Scotia

A woman played with a four year old child in her garden.

"Ok...now you throw me the ball back” the woman said smiling at her daughter,"that's really good Rae."

And as she was about to throw the ball back to the girl, she saw a woman come into the garden.

"Hello, Hayley. Is that Rae?! She has really grown?!" the woman said.

Hayley shot a nasty look at the woman and then her grandmother hearing the voice of the visitor came out and took the girl back into the house not to watch the women exchanging insults.

"What do you want Francesca?" Hayley said in a stanoffish manner, " I told you not to come around the house?

"Where then? In the bar, where everyone can here about werewolf and witch business?!"  Francesca said.

"I am done with the witches. I told you that."-Hayley said.

"I know that it is not in your nature to just give up your alpha status."-the witch continued.

"You don't know what parents are capable to do to save their own. I just want a peaceful life with my daughter. I don't care about the ancient crap and territory and who owns what. I told you I am done!" Hayley spat and turned to walk towards the house.

"Well, this is about your daughter"-Francesca said.

Hayley turned around and charged at the witch, who had no problem stopping her with her magic.

"I heard it on the witch grapevine that someone is looking to raise an old powerful witch back to life."

"Leave me alone. I am not the leader of the pack. Go and talk to Cat about it." Now Hayley's grandma came out.

"Rae needs you"  the old woman said to Hayley.

"Go Francesca and leave us alone." Hayley sifted.

"As you wish. But don't say I warned you" the witch said and left the garden.

Hayley got into the house and saw that the child was watching the TV serenely.

"Why did you call me in? Rae is fine."- Hayley said.

"I just wanted you away from her. We made a deal with the pack and not with the witch. As you told her you are no longer the leader, so I don't know what she wants from you?!" the old woman said.

"We should have gone the night I gave up everything. She will always want something of us." Hayley looked at a photo of her and a man standing next to her hugging her."Jackson would still be alive." *

In Halifax, Elena and the rest of the gang made themselves comfortable in the house they rented.

Bonnie used the spell Sophie taught her to make the place private as they were too many vampires ears around.

Elena had ordered food for them and Rebekah went for a fresh supply off blood for them with Stefan.

Kol played on his computer trying to cross-reference the latest trails Sophie had sent earlier about two witches coven in Nova Scotia that might have some knowledge about the map.

"Anything?" Bonnie asked as she got into the kitchen.

"No. Loads of dead ends. I think it was done on purpose or they have closed ranks for some reason," Kol said,"but here is a name. Dumas. Heloise."

"A witch?" Elena looked at the vampire tilting her head.

"Oh, yes. Not just any." Kol's eyes shone with the discovery.

Elijah now walked in and asked him about the lead.

"I heard them talk about her. She possessed powers apparently like our mother. It was rumored that she was a werewolf too." Kol said.

"A hybrid witch? Is there a picture?" Elena inquired.

Kol showed them the photograph of the woman.

" Right, now we have to figure out what her coven has to do with you, the Mikaelsons?!

" Sophie thinks that these two covens being the oldest had to have some knowledge of the past?!"

Kol now enhanced the photo-" look on the broach on her blouse- the sign-it's like triple crescent moons?!"

Elijah looked at it and so did the others.

"This sign was on the map, too."- he said and got the map out to verify it.

"There it is!"Kol said." Sophie, you badass!"

"Now we only need to find the coven now" Elijah said satisfied with the prompt result.

"Ok, Kol said. Let's go and snoop around town! Anyone for a good night out?!"-he looked at Bonnie, and turned to his sister and Stefan adding, "the lovebirds here will probably snooze in front of a TV and watch a silent film"

“Shut up” Rebekah snapped at her brother. 

Elijah rolled his eyes a bit, and turned to the doppelganger. "Elena, how about a drink? It feels a tad bit stuffy in this house?!"

"I'd love a drink." Elena said smiling.

”Right. We will leave you to have your meal.” Elijah said and turned to his brother asking him if he could have a word with him.

Elena and Bonnie sat down to eat.

"I still can't get over that all this is so pretty normal with them." Bonnie said.

"Weirder things have happened. I so would like to know how Caroline and Klaus get on? Is it still honeymoon or did they rip each other's ghostly heads-off?!" Elena said.

**** Plantation house, near New Orleans

Katherine finished her gardening work and went into the kitchen to wash her hands. She took some vegetables out and started dicing them.

"Katherine Pierce in a domestic mode?! I must be in Hell." a voice so very familiar uttered making Katherine turn around slightly shocked pointing the knife at the person instinctively.

"D-Damon?! How...what blasting magic is this?" Katherine said seeing Damon leaning on the back of a chair.

"You can see me?!" Damon then said.

"I can see you. I can hear you?!" the doppelganger uttered still amazed. She approached him wanting to touch him, but it was clear that he was in his ghost form. "You've come to haunt me?!"

"To haunt?! Maybe?! I have been here the whole time. I have seen everything. You all burying me. Them going away. You crying over me. Very touching" "Even as a ghost you have to be an ass."-Katherine replied miffed.

"Hey, come on, even you have to admit that is a bit wacky all this- you, the great Katherine Pierce not that selfish. Showing all your real emotions! But... how come you can see me all of a sudden?! This morning, you couldn't see me when I was lurking?!"

"First, Don't call me Katherine. My name is Katerina. Secondly, there is magic involved. I am not a medium like Jeremy"

"Where is he, btw? And why are you still here? I saw Elijah leaving you plenty of money and the deeds to this property?! Elena must have been really pissed- though I saw you to talking about me. All sweet like two lost sisters?!" "I have to find a witch to make you go away. Maybe those crazy werewolves didn't bite you well enough" Katherine said taking her phone calling Elijah. *

Downtown Halifax, Nova Scotia, Rebekah compelled a man after she had a quick drink turning to Stefan.

"Ok. I just had to have a bit of fresh blood." Rebekah said. " I just can't go on with the pig blood diet of yours!"

"I didn't say anything, did I?"  Stefan said.

"No, but you just looked at me the way you look at me?! Ah, ok...what did they want? Have they all figured out?"- Rebekah asked as Stefan read Elena's message.

"Here- " he showed her the triple crescent symbol and the picture of the witch, and her name - Heloise," Rebekah said, "right, witch hunt it is!"

"So, the Miakaelsons started from where exactly?"  Stefan asked.

"Great great-grandfather was from Gotland. Then he went to what we now know as Estonia. Father told us that his family always wanted to get richer and trade more. And they did. They said that the winters would be very harsh and it was hard to farm and keep the animals, and they have always wanted to go places. There was one story mother told us once, and that four children died because the village they were living in got trapped by snow. That was probably my great great great grandfather Mikaelson. I don't know. And he was left with one son, who survived. He took his woman and they left for Gotland.Well, it is obvious that my mother and father got to England. There is nothing after the Hunding battle, is there? Something must have happened?!" Rebekah gave an extensive account.

They walked into a bar and asked for drinks.

"So, the plague happened in Estonia?! Who moved to England?!"

"My parents married in Estonia. I know that much. The left because all of their stock died and people were dying of some disease. At least that's what my father told us. When they would talk about family in those days it was in the manner of the sagas. They were tales of worthy men. Epic work of fiction. " Rebekah said.

"Hey, blondie, bring us some more beer over here?! Do your job. You can" a drunken man said to Rebekah mistaking her for the waitress.

Before the man could say anything more, Stefan had him by the throat sifting, "You don't speak to my girlfriend that way or I will tear you head off right here, right now! Apologize!"

The man apologized quickly and Stefan let him go.

Rebekah looked at Stefan with eyes wide open. His sudden outburst was something she didn't expect of him although it flattered her that he official called her his girlfriend.

"That's what you get when you go into a dive!" Rebekah said and now kissed Stefan seeping with passion. She pulled him out of the bar into the back alley.

"This was the hottest thing ever coming from you!" she said and pulled him onto her. He now had a taste of the human blood that he felt in Rebekah's mouth. It made him lose his control and he bit into her neck. Ever since the battle of the Hundings and Damon passing away, Stefan's personality shifted slightly. He had angry ripper outbursts at times, or he would completely shut out and seemed not to care.

Rebekah pulled him off of her.

"Stefan?!"

He looked at her horrified at his actions.He wanted to run off, but she caught him reading his inentions in his eyes and he slumped on the floor screaming.

"I don't want this. What is wrong with me?!"

"Shshsh" Rebekah embraced the vampire. "I won't drink from humans anymore...sorry... you will be all right. We will sort this out.  I promise! I love you"

*

Somewhere not far from Rebekah and Stefan were stuck in an alley, Kol, Elijah, Elena and Bonnie walked into a bar.

"Let's see what Taboo has to offer us"  Kol said. “70s night! There you go. Great music.”

"What are you ladies drinking?" Elijah asked Elena and Bonnie.

"Beer" Bonnie said and Elena nodded in agreement.

Elijah went to the bar to get the drinks. "We forget research tonight.” Bonnie said.

"I can smell werewolf scent" Elena then remarked. Bonnie looked surprised at her.

"Trust me, being able to smell things like a vampire is pretty gross. If werewolves are here, vampires are not. " Elena said.

"Would they lead us to the covens?!" Bonnie said.

"Sophie said these witches are connected with werewolves?! " Elena said. "Like I need to see a werewolf so soon."

Elijah returned with the drinks. He brought some shots with the beers. Kol joined them.

"My brother learns fast." Kol said taking a shot.

"Come on, let's dance!" he took Bonnie by the hand. She protested a little but got carried away with the music.

"He is totally - easy tonight." Elena said looking at Kol, who seemed a fun loving-self.

And when he was in good mood, the Original shone like no one else. As the karaoke stage was freed, he had Bonnie do a duet with him.

“They say that you are an amazing singer.”

“And what if I was?” Bonnie cocked an eyebrow at the vampire.

“I am not bad myself.”

The witch rolled her eyes. “You so love yourself.”

“Darling, there is nothing bad in excercising self-love. Ok - how about this one - Elton John and Kiki Dee - ‘Don’t go breaking My Heart.”

“You know Elton John’s music?” Bonnie was surprised to say the least.

“I am in with the times. Though 70s was forty-odd years ago. I’m not like Elijah. I like pop culture. Right. Ready?” Kol took the mic.

Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Honey, if I get restless Baby, you're not that kind

Don't go breaking my heart You take the weight off me Oh, honey, when you knock on my door Ooh, I gave you my key

Ooh-hoo, nobody knows it When I was down I was your clown Ooh-hoo, nobody knows it, nobody knows Right from the start I gave you my heart Oh oh, I gave you my heart

Everyone present was impressed as both of them showed they had a great talent, plus they made it even more fun, playing off as if they were a couple.

“I can’t believe how good they are” Elena said.”Wow, he is a totally - yeah.” Elena said and took a swag of the beer herself, and swayed a bit to the beat, looking at Elijah.

"He agreed to use a herb to keep his attacks of rage under control." Elijah said. "We had a long talk about - a lot of things. One is his behaviour. He wishes he could earse some of the things he had done.

" I wish I could erase and rewind, too -at least some things." Elena said.

"Wouldn't we all?!" Elijah said pensively taking a swag of the beer.

“No negativity tonight.” Elena suddnely got up. “I’m going to dance. You?”

Elijah swayed his had as in no. Shrugging with her shoulders, the doppelganger acknowledged that this was not his thing and now went to the crowd that danced to Kennetts second song.

Continuing with his beer, Elijah’s eyes were fixed on Elena. Whenever he was around her he felt an unusual tingling happiness cross his heart. For years his feelings were so neutral nearly all the time. Love was something he had stopped believing in. Up to the day, he came to Mystic Falls again and met her. The third doppelganger. And those months around her, getting to know her brought the feelings he had thought were safely guarded out. He started to feel love, joy and happiness so strongly it made him tingle right down to his bones.

Elena, who was in full dancing mode, now turned to Elijah inviting him to come join her.

“Come on” Elena said with a broad smile. “I know it’s not the cotillion - actually it is much easier.”

“I don’t know -” Elijah said standing up.

Seeing his brother with Elena in a semi -tug, Kol, who had noticed Elijah tiptoing around the doppelganger, chose a softer song, compelling the person, who wanted to get them off the stage to go away and just have delirious fun and let them be.

“What’s up with you?” Bonnie said galring at the Original.

“Look - Elena is trying to get Elijah to dance - and knowing my brother - he needs something more slower and softer - this one is for them.”

“What are you talking about?” Bonnie said.

“Elijah and Elena need a push - you missed so much being away in the underworld - help me here.”

“This one.” Bonnie said as she saw the Bee Gees’ How Deep Is Your Love.

“Perfect” Kol said and got the song going.

As they started singing, Bonnie turned her head to the dancing area. Her friend and the Original were now slowly swaying to the song. She of course knew the song so well, as her gramps used to play it often. Strangely, after a very long time they were having fun.

Rebekah and Stefan, who finally appeared in the bar, were not surprised to see Kol being the master of ceremonies.

“There is Elena with Elijah - finally” Rebekah said as her eyes caught her eldest brother dancing with the doppelganger.

“Wanna dance, too?” Stefan said to his girlfriend.

“Yeah,” Rebekah said,”crazy dancing fun is what we need and lots of it cuz something tells me there isn’t going to be much fun soon.”

***

In the spirit world, Caroline stood next to the window in the room resembling very the Lockwood Mansion. Her mind wondered to a moment a few weeks back.

Flashback

Tyler stood next to Caroline.The light around them shone like it was the brightest sunny day they had ever seen. Three women came to them. They were the norn elders.

"You are granted the wish your hearts desired. We are eternelly greatful for your sacrifice." and as they said it the women disappeared.

As Caroline turned around she found herself in a room so very familiar to her.

"This can't be?! Am I dead - really dead?" the blonde uttered and she found herself in her room. She walked down the stairs to the living room. Her eyes couldn't believe who she saw was standing in it.

"Caroline?!" Klaus uttered in amazment seeing the blonde standing in the room.

Without a word, Caroline went into his arms, squeezing him tightly.

"They let you go!" she exclaimed happily. Then looked at the hybrid.

"My darling" Klaus said smiling a bit and then kissed her.

Soon it became all too clear to Caroline that she had passed away into the spirit world. The reward for fighting bravely against the Hundings was that she could spend eternity with Klaus, lessening his sentence by alowing him to be with her. His blood ultimatively helped make Elena the one who could whitstand the Hunding king.

“Hey, love” Klaus touched the blonde’s shoulder lightly, “are you all right?”

“I am” Caroline said turning to face the hybrid. “It is still kind of weird that we are here - wherever this is. It definitely isn’t the other side - or?”

“It’s not.”Lexi said entering from the side room. “Ok, you guys, I’ve got something.” The former vampire now also a ghost passed a scroll to Klaus. "He used all of us to channel the dark magic helping the witches from underworld awake. And here is something I found he left behind. Do you understand what it says?”

Fylliz fiǫrvifeigra manna,rýðr ragna siǫtrauðom dreyra.Svǫrt verða sólskinof sumor eptir,veðr ǫll vályndVitoð ér enn, eða hvat?

Klaus read it and translated immediately,"It sates itself on the life-blood of fated men, paints red the powers' homes with crimson gore. Black become the sun's beams in the summers that follow,weathers all treacherous. Do you still seek to know? And what?"

"What does it mean?" Caroline wanted to know.

"That's from Ragnarok" Klaus said pensively.

"Right, can you be more specific?!" Caroline looked at him anxiously.

"All Hell will break loose." Klaus said simply.

***

In Yarmouth, Nova Scotia, Hayley returned home from her friends with her daughter Rae. She called for her grandmother walking in the kitchen. The old woman was lying on the floor covered in blood. "Gramps" Hayley tried desperately to wake the woman up. “Please, wake up. Gramps, please.” Taking the woman’s hands the werewolf noticed strange markings made on her palm. It was the triple crescent moon symbol.

[liott-monar]

Get to know me!

1. Dogs or Cats?

Why not both? They’re both wonderful in their own way. 

2. YouTube celebrities or normal celebrities?

I just dislike celebrities in general, so neither. 

3. If you could live anywhere where would that be?

Honestly where I live right now, at the top of Scotland, but with a better house. I live in one of the worst condition houses here and they’re only just starting to fix that problem... 7 years later. Where I live however is absolutely stunning! Incredible history, amazing food and miserable weather during the winter. What more do you want?

4. Disney or DreamWorks?  

Dreamworks, but only because they treat their illustrators, concept designers and animators far better than Disney ever will. 

5. Favourite childhood TV show?

Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex, the 2000s show not that newer crap. Sailor Moon is a close second.  

6. The movie you’re looking forward to most in 2020

I don’t actually keep up to date with TV shows or movies (I haven’t watched either since... 2009?) so I can’t really answer that!

7. Favorite book you read in 2019?

Magick by Aleister Crowley. He’s written really interesting books on cults, magic and obscure religions based on cult ideology. 

8. Marvel or DC?

Depends! Villains I’d go for DC, Heroes goes to Marvel. 

9. If you choose Marvel favorite member of the X-Men? If you choose DC favourite Justice League member?

Justice League is garbage. Nightcrawler for X-Men though. 

10. Night or Day?

Night time I guess. I like any time of day but the morning.

11. Favourite Pokemon?  

If this was asked before Sword and Shield came out, I would of instantly said Gengar. Buuuut now that I have my hands on Sword and Shield (got it yesterday)... Hattrem has stolen my heart. Actually the whole of it’s evolution line is just me in a nutshell. Bless. 

12. Top 5 bands:

Zardonic

Delain

Iron Maiden

Swimming Girls

Klayton and literally anything he’s ever breathed on

13. Top 10 books.

*wheezes*

Mythventures by Robert Asprin

The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner by James Hogg

Kraken by China Miéville

Dracula by Bram Stoker

The Shining by Stephen King

The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul G. Tremblay

At the Mountains of Madness by H.P Lovecraft (was hard to pick one!)

The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter

The Devil in Silver by Victor LaValle

Fiend by Peter Stenson

These are in no particular order, as I have well over 10 favourites. You can also tell what genre I really like.. huh. 

14. Top 4 movies

Ghost In The Shell (the original)

The Shining

The Thing (1982)

Hellraiser

15. America or Europe?

Europe. I’m sorry but the food culture is just way weirder in Europe and that’s all that matters to me. 

16. Tumblr or Twitter?

I guess both? I like Twitter for shitposting, but Tumblr is nice to just scroll through randomly. 

17. Pro-choice or Pro-life?

Pro-human extinction.

18. Favorite YouTuber?

I don’t really have one? I would be a shit and say myself but I don’t post anything. 

19. Favorite author ?

Literally anyone who writes a Forgotten Realms book.  

20. Tea or Coffee?

[INTENSE SCOTTISH BAGPIPES] 

booze tea duh

21. OTP?

Myself and my hallway floor. @theblueswallow​ will probably be the only one that gets that. 

22. Do you play an instrument/sing ?

I sing. I used to play the piano, bagpipes, clarinet and basssoooon. 

Tagged by: @alun-ura​ (bwess uwu)

Tagging: Can I just say like YOU and be done? I’m hungry and can’t be bothered to type anymore. 

[retro-rezz-the-est]

Birthday Surprise (Elias/OC fluff)

Summary: Elias leads OC on a hunt to find out what (or who) has their hands on her birthday surprise.

(A/N: This was written for my bestest, most amazing, stylish, beautiful, hilarious, relatable, absolutely wonderful Tumblr bestie @writing-reigns for her birthday today. Thank you for all you’ve done for me since we first started talking on this hellsite, sis, and I hope I can show you how much I care via this. You deserve this and so much more, and I hope you have an awesome day today ;) 💕❤💕❤)

(A/N #2: Also added cameos of a few great gals who run their own fantastic Tumblrs ^^;)

“Ok, so is everyone ready?”

The show had already been on for more than an hour at that point. He could hear the stream of boos and cheers from the fans as they watched a match between two people he had already forgot about. His mind was focused on something else, something more important...

He scratched at his beard nervously as the small ragtag group of members of the RAW roster Elias had gathered in the hallway nodded, the figure leaning against the nearby wall giving a short tilt of his head instead.

A female voice rang out from the back of the group and asked, “Um, what are we getting ready for, exactly?”

His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as he sighed, trying to hold back the boiling petty remark.

“You all,” he spoke firmly, pointing his finger out towards the group, “are going to wait in your designated spots until Kris comes around to you so you each can give her the small pieces of paper I gave to you to lead her towards the next person.”

“What’s even on these things, anyways?” the voice asked again, Elias hearing the sound on paper unfolding.

“Don’t!” he shouted, startling everyone and leaving the area completely silent. He cleared his throat and took the slip of paper back, refolding it and passing it back along to her. “Please… don’t look at these. They’re for her eyes only, ok?”

Turning around, he pointed to himself and said, “As you are doing that, I am going to go back to my locker room and prep her actual surprise for the end of the night. I think Kris is really gonna like it”

A chorus of “awww” and “how cute” erupted from the females in the group, some of the men tossing a smirk at how affectionate Elias was being for this woman.

“So… what time does she normally get here?”

A warm Irish accent from near the front responded with, “Well, she isn’t scheduled for a match tonight, so she’ll probably be her by aroun’ 9:30 - 10:00ish.”

A sigh escaped the bearded man’s lips as he wrapped his hair up into a messy top bun, looking up at the eyes staring down on him. “Do any of you have the time now?”

“I do,” the gruff voice from against the wall suddenly said, the body pushing off of it and causing waves of goosebumps to roll down his exposed arms. Reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out his phone, he told him that it was exactly 9:15.

Elias’ blood ran ice cold with a sudden nervousness and shock. “9:15?! We have to hurry this up, then!”

He shoved his way through the group, his fresh man bun starting to come undone and sweat beginning to dot his forehead. He was nervous before, but the time drawing this close only spiked his worries that this entire plan would just go to shit.

“What are you people doing?” he questioned the group, noticing how the majority of them where just standing there, looking unsure. “Everyone get to your stations. We don’t have that much time left, so move!”

Kris carried her duffel bag through the backstage entrance, a small grin appearing on her face when she recounted how many of her friends and fans had reached out to her to wish her a happy birthday. The feeling was almost heavenly; like a dream she didn’t want to awake from.

She felt around her jacket pocket for her phone and turned it on, her heart fluttering as she read the unopened texts from some of her friends.

💞Re💞: Happy b-day sis 🎂🎂🎂🎊🎊🎊 Eat lots of cake & I love ya 😊😊

👑Empress👑: Treat ya self today, ok? Enjoy urself for us 😜😘

♥Mara♥: Happy birthday, Kris! 😉😙

💙Lexi💙: Have an amazing, fun-filled birthday, love <3 <3

The breath she let out was long and serene, a smile plastered on her face as she made her way down the wide hallways and to her locker room.

After a few short minutes of walking, she’d reached her room door but was confused. There was no large group of superstars smiling whilst holding a large cake with her name written in frosting. There were no balloons hanging from her door or even confetti spilling from under the doorway. There was nothing there.

Sighing, she opened the door and propped her bag up on a close wall, closing the door before noticing a small piece of paper folded and taped  to the door. Feeling deflated, she took down the paper and unfolded it, reading the short note to herself.

Dear Kris, it read, follow the leads that will take you to your gift. I promise you’ll love it. Come and find me.

Below the short lines of text was a small drawing of a figure with red and orange streak scattered in its dark hair. It almost looked like…

“Ember?” she mumbled to herself, still confused about the whole situation. “What’s she got to do with this?”

Taking a few steps towards the corner of the hallway, she went to knock on Moon’s door but it fell open, revealing said Superstar almost falling flat on her face. The silence between the two only grew when she rightened herself, leaning her elbow against the door frame and giving her an odd smile.

“You ok, Ember?”

“Yeah, I'm fine,” she chuckled awkwardly, scratching at the back of her neck with her free hand. “So, what brings you knocking on my door?”

She felt her cheeks heat up as she answered with, “Well, I found this note thing with my name on it taped to my door and it had a drawing of you inside of it, so I came here because I wanted to  know if you knew anything abo-”

Moon's body straightened with a sudden realization. “Oh!” she exclaimed, “that's what this is about!”

The door suddenly slammed in Kris’s face as she shut it abruptly, her raising an eyebrow at the noises and muffled curses she heard from behind it. A few moments later, the door opened to an even more eager looking Ember holding a similar piece of folded paper in her hand.

*Here,” she said, thrusting the paper into her hands, “he wanted me to give you this when you came around.”

“Who's 'he'?” she questioned her as her eyes shifted from the grinning Superstar back to the identical folded note in her hands.

Moon pinched her pointer finger and thumb together and dragged them over the seam of her mouth. “That's for me to know and for you to find out, hun. Now open it already!”

Unfolding it, she was met with another drawing in a similar style, this time showing a certain Irish wrestler with what seemed like a sandwich in his hand.

“Are you telling me to go find Finn?”

She saw her eyes light up as she responded, “I’m not telling you to do anything. That's for you to decide.”

And with that, the door slammed in her face again, the sound echoing throughout the empty hall. Kris turned to leave but the door reopened, Ember reaching her arm out and gripping the back of her jacket.

“And by that, I mean yes. Yes you do.”

Before shutting the door a final time, she whispered a faint “happy birthday” before shutting it, finally leaving you alone.

“Well, that was weird,” she uttered, backing away from the door and pocketing the now two pieces of paper.

She was acting weirder than usual, she thought as she walked away from the door in search of Finn. And who was that “he” she was going on about?

Time seemed to fly as she walked towards catering and amidst the flurry of wrestlers congregating in the space, she spotted her target near the back having a conversation with Rollins.

“Finn!” Kris yelled, happy to see a familiar face and drawing his attention. She maneuvered her way around the room until she was face to face with the man himself. The two shared a quick hug before he placed an object in her hand, which turned out to be another piece of folded white paper.

“Another one, Finn? Really? What’s going on?”

He looked down at her confused and slightly angry expression and chuckled. “Can't tell ya that one, love. You're gonna have ta find that one put on your own.”

“That's exactly what Ember told me!”

She huffed in defeat after pestering him for a few more minutes, clearly not getting anywhere with finding out what's happening. Opening it all the same, she saw the drawings of a frowning male figure and a smiling blonde female figure that looked a hell of a lot like Dean and Renee. Turning on her heel, she threw the Irishman a look as he patted her on the head before walking off, crumpling the paper in her fist.

“Dude, are you really doing that stupid birthday hunt for Elias?” he heard Seth ask in his ear as soon as she was a fair distance away.

Brushing him off, he said, “First of all, it's not stupid. It's romantic. Secondly, I know that she'll love what he got for her.”

After finding Renee and Dean, they handed her another similar looking note which led her  to Alicia, who was sitting with the Glam Squad and getting her makeup done for her upcoming match. After their interaction, the last paper led Kris to a waiting Bayley and Sasha near the ramp entrance, eagerly chatting amongst themselves before she made herself known.

“Do you guys have the last drawing?” she asked, out of breath from walking all over the arena. “I really hope so.”

Bayley straight out her side ponytail before laughing lightly, her and her violet haired friend moving away from her. The two of them walked towards the curtain and pulled each side of it back, revealing a dark arena lit up with hundreds of phones.

“We don't have the last one,” Sasha told her, “but he does.”

She'd just about had enough of this secrecy crap, to be perfectly honest. “That's it! Who are you guys talking about? Tell me now!”

Chuckling, Bayley stated, “You're about to find out for yourself.”

As Kris walked through the curtain, she heard the two of them “ooh” as a lone spotlight suddenly flashed down onto her. Looking down the ramp, she gasped when she saw her well-known crush Elias sitting in the middle of the ring strumming on his guitar.

“She arrives,�� he smiles, brushing a stray hair away from his face, “and just in time too. I was beginning to worry that you wouldn't show.”

She began to walk down towards the ring and heard him begin to play the first few chords of her favorite song, which brought some small tears to the corners of her eyes. Time seemed to slow down when she finally made it to the ring and stepped inside, their two spotlights merging into one as they looked each other in the eye.

He got up when she asked, “Was that…?”

“Side Effects by the Chainsmokers?” he blushed, scratching the back of his neck. “I heard from a few people that it was your favorite song, so I decided to learn it for you.”

“So these were your doing?”

“Guilty as charged. I just wanted to surprise you for your birthday today.”

A loud “aww” rang out from the fans, but she could barely hear it as he placed the guitar down and grabbed a small black gift box from behind his chair. Reaching inside of it, he pulled out a small blue velvet box and fiddled with it.

“I also found out that the stone for December birthdays was a blue topaz and since I love seeing your eyes sparkle with joy, I thought I could try and replicate that with a gift of my own.”

Holding out his hand, his cheeks blazed with a red glow, and a collective gasp was heard throughout the large space. Kris could even hear the faint shoutings of “What the hell?!” from Corey back at the announcers table as she opened the box to reveal a silver ring with two connected silver hearts. In the middle of it laid a blue topaz heart connected by the two smaller ones.

“Don’t worry, it’s not an engagement ring,” he rushed to the rescue, seeing how wide her eyes got. “I just wanted you to have something that matched your beauty to me.”

She couldn’t even form words, but chose to use the flush in her cheeks and the tears now falling from her eyes to express herself. The world came to a stop around them, and all she could sense was his warm and calloused hands on hers as he placed the ring on her right ring finger.

“Happy birthday, Kris.”

Nothing could stop her from jumping into his arms in front of all those people as soon as he finished his sentence, planting her lips onto his slightly chapped ones. The two of them shared a sweet, soft kiss, and she could feel waves of emotions rolling through the both of them as the WWE Universe clapped for them.

The heat from the lone spotlight above them was the only thing she could feel as they drowned out the rest of the world, leaving only them in that moment on her birthday to just enjoy the new kindled love they had for each other.

~~Tagging: @writing-reigns @gold--gucciempress @tacoshu @crossfitjesusinskinnyjeans @aj-mac21 @caramara3 @flawlessglamazon @timesnewreigns @the-carter-mob-don @neversatisfiedgirl @nerdlife0612 @theneverendingthirst @melinated-moon-goddess @wrestlingbabe @wrestlingfae @lhcartoonist @littledeadrottinghood @thetherianthropydaily @taryndibiase @crookedmoonsaultpunk @missmoxy @vebner37 @hardcorewwetrash @deepdisireslonging~~

[a-taller-tale]

Mad World 

Summary: Simmons gets a mysterious message in the present. Meanwhile in the past, Grif has to explain how birthdays don't matter to an alien spark plug. No matter how time travel works, Back to the Future III will always be relevant. Notes: A @redvsbluesecretsanta gift for @creatrixanimi, who was amazingly patient when life blew up and I needed a few extra days. Also thanks to the RvB Secret Santa mods for organizing such a fun event again this year!

Also on Ao3

The Present

Nobody really celebrated things in Blood Gulch, especially not birthdays. Simmons could admit now that it was a miserable, boring, hot, pointless box canyon in the desert with nothing to do except run drills, do paperwork, patrol Red Base, and—on especially boring days–-try to see what the guys at the Blue Base were doing.

Then the rookies showed up, one Red, one Blue, and everything got a lot weirder. Besides Donut messing up Simmons’ chance at a promotion by somehow wheedling his way into Sarge’s good graces, both rookies were kind of young when they joined up, and very stupid. Neither of them seemed to understand the basic concept of being at war. And suddenly everything was a reason to celebrate.

Donut’s Daily Wine and Cheese Hour started first. Then there was Church’s Best Friend Celebration Spectacular, which Grif and Simmons had attended so they could get the food Donut made for it, and watch Church’s torment.

Sarge decided he wanted in on the action and started making up random holidays when he was bored. And then it was basically non-stop. Interventions, War-iversaries, Armistice Day (for Red and Blue movie nights), and when they couldn’t think of anything else, eventually even birthdays were a thing.

They weren’t as large an occasion as National Hot Dog Day, but they’d be as nice to the birthday guy as possible (which they usually gave up on five minutes in and dragged him more than usual). Then there’d usually be a presentation of old warthog parts wrapped up like presents so they'd have something to unwrap.

Donut always made cake, and Sarge allowed it after Donut swore up and down he wouldn’t make another one to jump out of because he didn’t want the joke to go stale.

Simmons got a party after he told everyone when his birthday was and planted hints all over the Valhalla base that no one could escape. He’d timed it perfectly too, starting a week in advance to account for how long his teammates would hold out to avoid giving him positive attention before they cracked.

“Okay! The surprise party is tomorrow!” Grif yelled. “Please no more texts about how your dad never came to your birthdays! I can’t take it anymore!”

Freckles had a birthday at Crash Site Bravo. Simmons didn’t remember a lot of it because of the blinding terror of being held hostage by a Mantis-class military assault droid and Caboose, who wasn’t famous for his leadership skills or track record of most accidental kills.

They didn’t always celebrate everyone’s birthdays every year, except for when they were on Iris. A lot of times throughout the years, they were busy with life threatening crap. There were accidents, and conspiracies, and missions to take out corrupt old white guys who were sometimes someone’s dad.

But as Simmons stares at the alert that just pinged his HUD, he has no idea how he hadn’t realized they’ve never done a birthday for Grif.

Sure, Sarge likes to joke about him being an unnatural abomination. But they had to have had one birthday thing.

After the Shizno incident was over, they came back to Iris with some pizza-to-go so they could try to have some time off again. Grif didn’t seem that happy to be back, but then again “retirement moon” had been Blood Gulch level of vacation, what with the never ending robot vs. dinosaur wars. And they had to chase some nesting dinosaur squatters out of the base before they could settle in again too.

In a moment that was still crystal clear to Simmons--despite the months of time traveling with Sarge, and then being stuck in a Blood Gulch time bubble--Grif had said he thought everyone hated him. He'd been certain of it, and weirdly calm. Not apathetic though. Resigned.

Simmons thinks it should be obvious by now that the ribbing is just the way that they talk to each other, and he'sthe one with anxiety. Even Sarge makes sure Grif is always with them now. Has been extra eagle-eyed since they got separated.

To use another manly metaphor, Grif's one of the supporting beams on Red Team. Without him they'll fall apart and Sarge would probably go crazy and try to sell everyone out to a serial killer so he could be a movie star. ...Again.

But when Simmons tried to tell Grif that, he only downgraded his importance to “hate glue.”

Simmons frowns at a cobweb clinging to the wall that he must have missed when he tricked everyone into celebrating Spring Cleaning, and realizes with his stomach slowly flipping that they never showed Grif he was important. And Grif noticed, even though he pretended not to care.

Grif thought they all hated him, could still think that, and they never gave him a reason not to. They’d been stuck together for fifteen years, had a drinking night dedicated to the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic last week, and they never threw a party for Grif.

Simmons pulls up their personnel files. He's filled out forms for Grif, of course. Comes with the territory of carrying Red Team through bureaucracy and making sure they get their pay and also file their taxes right. So how had this date never really registered before?

May the Fourth.

Grif's right. It always comes back to Star Wars.

The Past

Huggins loved talking, and she loved people watching, and watching human movies. Like Die Hard. She and Grif got along super well really fast for her being a lens flare with knowledge supposedly beyond human comprehension.

They’d finally broken down to camp for the night after another day of walking across a country.

What Grif wouldn’t give for some methshrooms now, but he’d used up the last of his stash during the last big battle and hadn’t had the chance to restock before they walked right into more shenanigans without even a pizza break.

And now he was hiking. Something Huggins had totally tricked him into by mentioning his sister. He’d pulled a Sarge move and unloaded his gun at her, because that was dirty pool and she deserved it. But if this were a TV show, she was way better sidekick material than that reporter lady. Plus, he probably should check on his sister now that he knew she wasn't dead and buried in Blood Gulch, and just lost in time like him instead. Nothing better to do in a world without pizza.

“What are birthdays like?” Huggins chirped, interrupting his thoughts.

Grif blinked at the wood he had been kicking into a pile. Oh right, he was trying to build a fire. Not that he needed it with armor on that he was going to sleep in rather than sleeping on the ground, but when you were camping, fires were always necessary for atmosphere. And roasting marshmallows.

“Uh… I dunno,” he said. “Usually the same bullshit happens as any other day.”

“I don’t get the appeal of most other human traditions, but isn’t there cake and singing and celebration and presents? I thought that was important, since you humans don’t live so long.”

“Okay, one: Cake is always important. And B: Yeah, birthdays are a big thing, but only when you’re a kid. When you’re an adult, typically no one gives a fuck.”

Huggins flew in an anxious little circle around Grif’s head, settling into a hover in front of his visor. She had no face that he could see, but he got the impression that there were concerned eyes on him anyway. “But your friends—”

“Have their own shit going on right now, if you haven’t noticed the epic quest you’re leading me on. I’ll be happy if I can just get a slice of pizza after all this is over.”

Huggins clucked her non-existent tongue. Sentient light beings didn’t have tongues, so what made that noise? Unless she had a more alien humanoid type body and he just couldn’t see it with human eyes. Or she was extra-dimensional and the big spark was all that came through. Or—

“After I complete my mission and we defeat the Shizno, we will get pizza,” she said.

Grif cracked a smile, and he was covered by a helmet, but she always seemed to know when she got him to smile and ran with it.

“Ten pizzas!” She declared, zooming up and down dizzyingly, her light brightening. “And an Oreo cake!”

Grif scoffed, but he couldn’t hide the smile from his voice. “Make that an ice cream Oreo cake and you have yourself a deal.”

“Deal!” she yelled instantly. “I can’t wait to go to a human birthday party!”

“Hey, no one said anything about it being a birthday party.”

“It’s going to be your birthday party. And it will not be bull shit.”

“Hey, if you say so. It can be my birthday, if there’s Oreo ice cream cake on the line. And I’m getting the hint that spark plugs—”

“Sentient light beings.”

“—don’t have birthdays, huh? I guess you can share mine as long as you pay for the pizza and cake and beer. I might even let you have some of the cake.”

“Hey, I never said anything about beer. And human food is gross! You can keep it.”

Grif snickered.

The Future

Unfortunately, Huggins never got to follow through on her threat to throw Grif a birthday party.

They fixed almost everything, and came back to Iris, and they even got pizza on the way. But they couldn't save Huggins.

He’s been sleeping and bingeing TV for a few days. Almost no one's bothered him, though Kai's come in to visit and poke him a few times.

It's fine. Okay, not really fine, but it's normal. You win some, you lose some. Just like every other stupid adventure. And he's getting used to losing by now.

Grif stares at the light on the bedroom ceiling. Wonders if Huggins went out like a lightbulb, all burnt and cracked and blackened. He hopes there's an afterlife for little spotlights that talk way too much exposition.

“Hey Grif!”

How the hell does Sarge always sound like he has a megaphone when Grif knows for a fact he doesn’t know how to work the amplifier in his armor?

“What?!” Grif screams through the wall, not moving an inch from his bed. “I’m busy!”

“Get your lazy ass out here, Grif!” comes Simmons’ voice next. He's also good at projecting. If Grif didn't know better, he'd say he was a closet theater kid.

“Fuck off, Simmons!”

“Pretty please.” Grif jumps. Caboose’s voice is at a normal volume, and soft and coaxing, but right outside the door.

Goddammit, of course they sent Caboose. Cheaters.

“Ugh, fine. I’m coming.” Grif rolls out of his blanket nest, ruffling up his hair, and throwing on a semi-clean shirt he’s only worn once from the laundry pile on the floor.

The instant he opens the door, he's greeted not by Caboose, but by the smell of something extremely burnt coming from the kitchen. “Donut better not have set the base on fire again,” Grif complains as he trudges into the common area the Reds and Blues share.

“That better not have been a crack about my cooking,” Carolina says, her arms folded across her chest. Carolina's less scary now that they're kinda friends and he's seen her super baked.

Actually, nah, she's still the same amount of scary when she wants to be, but her mouth is twitching up in the corner. Joking.

“Just stating facts—“ Grif freezes mid-step as he registers the rest of the room.

There's a messy banner that was obviously half-painted by Donut in pastel shades of red, and the other half also obviously by Caboose because it says “Happy Birthday, Girff.”

“Who’s Girff?” he says automatically to cover for his shock. There are streamers, and music playing from a comically antique boom box, and a poster of Blade taped over the sink?

It's also a full house with Wash and Carolina, and also Doctor Grey and Kimball, and the mockumentary film crack team of Dylan Andrews and the guy that filmed for her. Sarge is standing with a twitchy nervous Simmons near the front, and the lieutenants are setting up board games and pizza and appetizers on the table, while Bitters leans back against the wall casually.

“Girff is you, stupid!” Kaikaina says, ambushing him from the side with a bear hug. “Happy birthday, bro!”

Donut swings in from the back where the kitchen is, twirling on one heel, holding a cake decorated with delicate swirls of peach icing and orange flowers. “I just whipped this one up quickly!”

“You made a back-up cake,” Carolina says flatly, turning a real glare on Donut.

“Of course! ” he says breezily. “Nothing can be left to chance on such an important occasion! Always use protection!”

It's really hard for Grif to act cool about this. Everything about the dumb party shows how much they know him, down to the Battlestar Galactica special edition of Clue.

Especially when Simmons shows him the message he got. It was a text alert from a post office on a remote colony that had been holding onto a parchment letter for 1000 years to give to a Dick Simmons on an exact date at an exact hour. The post office wanted some ridiculous fees for the hard copy to be delivered, but luckily they sent Simmons the transcription.

It was a note to save the date for today, and make Grif’s next birthday the party of the century.

Fucking time travel.

Grif had always wanted some ancient clever letter from a time traveler delivered to him with an auspicious warning, or a hundred billion dollars. But he's really glad he knows Huggins liked Back to the Future III now. They hadn’t gotten to those movies in their pop culture conversations yet.

Donut put sparklers in the cake, and when he lights them, the sparks shoot up and down and dance and fly around excitedly.

Surrounded by his family and friends, Grif blows out the candles.

Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday Happy birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen Sit and listen

And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very very Mad world Mad world

[tasteslikeregret]

Ads are getting weirder every goddamn day I swear I got one on a rhythm game app I dabble in and for a second I thought I was having an auditory hallucination because this guy comes in yelling ‘Cinderalla!! I could just cRAP MYSELF’ (no I’m not joking) and I have never physically recoiled from an ad before in my life but I tell you that one got me so goddamn good I nearly fell out my seat. In fact, my very soul almost left my body. (It was for Moon Pioneer which is pictured below and it lives in the Apple App Store, a perfectly innocuous and mundane game, and I am putting the name out there to shame them openly because they deserve it but that said it captured my attention and stuck in my brain so I guess it sort of worked and well done to the marketing team you are all batshit crazy fr. I simply can’t deny the long-lasting impact it has had and the irreparable damage that was done to my psyche. God I wish I could sue for that.)

Also on the Af train is Robbie Williams who is in an ad where he has a woman come up to him wanting his help on mobile game (I pretty much blacked out soon after due to confusion so I can’t even recall the game) but he assumes she wants an autograph so he signs her sweatshirt ‘for her mum’ and she flips her shit at him because it was brand new and she’s like ‘what is wrong with you?!’ and he sits there all confused in this little coffee shop and like.. he did that.. this man did that for a completely forgettable and probably garbage app that is almost certain to be a complete flop. He can’t be THAT broke surely..? Right??

I am losing a piece of my sanity every day due to this shit I just can’t take it any more please let me be I can’t take it any more just pLEASE

[the-desolated-quill]

The Time Of The Doctor - Doctor Who blog (So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish Fingers And Custard)

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Remember way back when I reviewed The End Of Time Part 2, I said I was afraid that Russell T Davies may have set a precedent for overly sentimental, ridiculously OTT, and utterly self indulgent regenerations that are more about the showrunner than the Doctor? Well if you thought David Tennant’s Lord Of The Ring’s style farewell tour complete with stupid choir music and oh so poetic tears trickling down the cheeks was unbearable, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

The Time Of The Doctor is fucking dreadful for the most part. Moffat takes everything that may have annoyed you about the RTD finale and then multiplies it by a factor of 10 before dolloping on a few more ladles of pretentious stupidity for good measure. Combine that with the usual Christmas special bollocks, and it becomes truly nauseating to sit through.

A mysterious signal from a backwater planet attracts an army of Doctor Who villains into its orbit, but before we can ponder on how similar this is to The Pandorica Opens, we’re whisked off back to present day Earth for Christmas dinner with Clara’s family. Clara needs the Doctor to pretend to be her boyfriend (do women still do that? I haven’t seen a TV show try that joke since the 90s), but there’s a complication. The Doctor is naked! Oh how awkward and embarrassing! Why is he naked?

The Doctor: “Because I’m going to church!”

Of course he is.

You know at this point I’ve become so accustomed to Steven Moffat and Matt Smith’s obnoxious bullshit that i don’t think anything will phase me anymore. The Doctor could walk in wearing a bunny girl outfit and I honestly wouldn’t bat an eyelid. It wouldn’t be funny, but I wouldn’t be surprised neither. Because that’s the problem with doing a random, wacky Doctor. After a while the randomness gets to a point where it paradoxically starts to become boringly predictable. I mean it’s not as if there’s any reason for the Papel Mainframe to have a nudity policy, and the characters wear holographic clothes anyway, so if it’s not funny and it doesn’t serve a purpose, what’s the point?

So off we go to church to meet Tasha Yem, played by Orla Brady. A sassy, flirty dominatrix type character who has a thing for the Doctor. Well gee. haven’t seen that before in a Moffat episode. What’s even weirder is not only is Tasha Yem virtually identical to every female character Moffat has ever written, but she also has a lot in common with one specific female character Moffat has written. She can fly the TARDIS, has absolute authority over the Doctor and there’s a reference to her inner psychopath. Was River Song originally supposed to be in this episode? Either way, it shows how unimaginative Moffat is when it comes to writing women.

At this point the thing that’s irritating me the most (apart from Matt Smith) is the whole greatest hits remix. We’ve had cameos from the Daleks and Cybermen, the Silence show up for no reason, and now the Weeping Angels are back. It seems Moffat is determined to squeeze all the scary out of them completely and it’s just bloody irritating. There’s no reason for any of them to be there really and it’s completely self indulgent. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Regeneration episodes should be about the Doctor. Never the showrunner.

And just when you thought Moffat was done mining through his back catalogue of crap, the bloody crack of doom shows up again. Turns out this is Trenzalore and on the other side of the crack is Gallifrey. The Time Lords want back in and need the Doctor to answer a simple question so they know they’ve got the right universe. Doctor who? Which leads to the main crux of the narrative. The Doctor having to protect Trenzalore from comedy Sontarans, Daleks that all of a sudden remember who the Doctor is now thus rendering Asylum of The Daleks completely pointless, and a wooden Cyberman with a flamethrower (I’m not even going to dignify that with a response). Armed only with his magic wand/sonic screwdriver, he must prevent another Time War from occurring. Oh boy. Where do we start with this bullshit? Let’s start with the Question itself. Why do the Time Lords need the Doctor’s name for verification? They have no problem listening to Clara’s pleas at the end. Why doesn’t the Doctor just tell them to stop broadcasting the signal and wait a bit while he deals with the mess they’ve caused? And what’s the point of the truth field? Either the Doctor wants to reveal his name or he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to lie about it. Plus Moffat ends up contradicting this by having the Doctor lie to someone about having a plan. So what’s the point?

At a push, this could have worked if the story focused on the people of Trenzalore. Get us to care for them and have the Doctor form a strong emotional connection with them, thus giving this siege some dramatic weight. At least put some effort into trying to justify why the Doctor stays so long (at one point he says he’s finally found somewhere that needs him to stay, but that’s bollocks. I can think of several places that could have benefitted from an extended stay from the Doctor). Instead Moffat seems more preoccupied with other matters. Like how many regenerations the Doctor has left and tying up the loose ends of his bullshit arcs. So the exploding TARDIS was the result of some rogue chapter of the Paper Mainframe trying to kill the Doctor. So they planned to save the universe from another Time War... by destroying the universe? 

And the Silence are genetically engineered priests that make you forget your own confessions?... Doesn’t that make confessing your sins somewhat redundant once you’ve forgotten them?

And then there’s the whole Doctor dying crap. If the BBC had any balls at all, they would have made this the last ever Doctor Who story. The reason Robert Holmes introduced the 12 regeneration limit way back in The Deadly Assassin was in order to impose a limitation on the show. It would still have some longevity, but at the same time it wouldn’t be infinite and threaten to outstay its welcome. After the Thirteenth Doctor, that’s it. Now thanks to the retroactive inclusion of the War Doctor and the Ten clone we got in Journey’s End, Eleven is to all intents and purposes the last ever Doctor. And yeah. Why not? 50 years is a good solid number to end a show on, right? 

But the BBC clearly have other plans.

A more naive member of the audience might think all the Doctor’s speeches about how all things must come to end might be setting us up for the grand finale to the whole thing, but naturally that’s not what happens. Of course Moffat finds some contrived way to extend the regeneration limit indefinitely. Doctor Who is the BBC’s biggest cash cow. They’re not going to let it go quite so readily. So Clara demands that the Time Lords save the Doctor like the spoilt, arrogant, entitled little prat that she is and hey presto, the Doctor can now blow up spaceships with his laser hands (God knows what’s going to happen when Peter Capaldi regenerates. He’s probably going to end up blowing up a small moon).

And don’t get me started on the avalanche of plot holes this opens up. So if the Doctor never died at Trenzalore, how did Clara jump into the wound in time to save the Doctor? Without the wound in time, there’s no Oswin or Clara in Asylum Of The Daleks and The Snowmen. Without Oswin and Clara, the Doctor would never have tried to find present day Clara in the first place. Without Oswin and Clara, the First Doctor would never have picked the right TARDIS back on Gallifrey (ugh). Good luck trying to work out the Eleventh Doctor’s canon now because Moffat has become so liberal with the timey wimeys that the whole thing has just descended into a mindless mess.

And even after all that, The Time Of The Doctor still isn’t finished yet. Oh no. Instead of Peter Capaldi walking down from the tower and into the TARDIS, we get another sappy monologue from Matt Smith about how change is good and how he’ll always remember when the Doctor was him, Murray Gold goes into overdrive with his violins in an attempt to drown us in slush, Clara starts crying her eyes out for no bloody reason (seriously, why the fuck is she crying? She knows what’s going to happen. Hell, she was the one that made sure it would happen. Dozy cow), and just when you thought this couldn’t possibly get any worse, fucking Amy shows up! For God’s sake! No doubt the Moffat fans were crying gallons of tears over this. I was too busy sticking a cushion over my face and trying to pretend this wasn’t happening. Honestly, I have never seen such cringeworthy, self-indulgent drivel in all my life. They should have replaced this with Steven Moffat giving himself a self congratulatory blowjob. It would have had the same effect.

So after all that bollocks, is there ANYTHING I liked about The Time Of The Doctor?... At all? Well... I did quite like Handles. He did make me laugh a few times and I was genuinely choked up when he died. Yeah, when you’re more upset over the death of a fucking Cyberman head than the Doctor’s, something has gone spectacularly wrong. I fucking hated this episode! It’s infuriating, self indulgent, utterly moronic and extremely dull. I was so fucking bored by this episode. I didn’t care about anything that was going on. I didn’t care about Trenzalore. I didn’t care about the Time Lords potentially returning. I didn’t care about the Doctor’s impending death. I didn’t care because Moffat never gave me a reason to care. As usual he’s more concerned about his convoluted series arcs and showing everyone how clever he is rather than telling an engaging story. And the most exasperating thing of all is this isn’t even Moffat’s last series. He’s still got the Peter Capaldi era to ruin yet. So why is he bombarding us with this fanwank tribute to himself? Are we going to have to go through all of this again when Capaldi regenerates this Christmas? Jesus Christ!

I suppose I should end with my final thoughts on the Eleventh Doctor in general. I think I’ve made my views on him pretty clear over the course of these reviews. I’ve got nothing against Matt Smith. I’m sure he’s a great actor and a lovely guy. I did kind of like him in his first series. It was a nice blend of quirky and serious. What really got up my nose was when they started to ramp up the goofiness to the point where I just wanted to hurl something large and heavy at his head in a desperate attempt to shut him up. He got so annoying and so irritating that by the time we got to The Time Of The Doctor, I was more than ready to see the back of him. And look, if you like Matt Smith’s Doctor, that’s fine. More power to you. I’m genuinely glad you got more enjoyment out of his Doctor than I did. It just wasn’t my cup of tea.

[roselettura-blog]

ASTRO OUTLOOK 2017: So all of last year I crapped on about how to me I read the astrological energies as "If it wasn't stable or 100% certain it wasn't gonna work out" I harped on about that a lot and I think the year for most was pretty rocky. There was that Saturn/Neptune square which blurred the lines of reality and surreal and often at times anxiety building. That same confusion collectively saw virtual worlds being built and the literal reality and virtual worlds crossing paths. That Pokemon go crap was a perfect example of that. So, how does 2016 the breakdown year compare to 2017? Well if you spent 2016 like me and a little over it and like it couldn't get worse, then your probably in the mindset that you might just go bat shit crazy and do the complete opposite as nothing you tried to do at your best worked out. And to be honest, that's not a bad outlook for this year. It's not another year of just breakdowns and being tested and questioning as so, I definitely think with the Saturn/Chiron square there are opportunities for healing but it's also not a year of all of a sudden you bounce back and it's hell sweet and all works out - not at least by all your efforts anyway. In fact, it's more a year of the more insane and brave and daring your ideas - the better. It's all fire energy like there is just so much fire shit happening it's insane. If your a fire sun, moon or ascendant sign or have a lot of planets in fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) this is your fucking energy. Same with Air signs (Aquarius, Gemini, Sagittarius) you're gonna love this energy. It's your fucking year. Water and Earth signs don't worry, 2018 is more your year and you don't have to be scared of the energy. I understand I'm a water sign too but it's more about, anything you want to achieve this year you can probably still do, you just need to find maybe another direction to get there. Methodical and tried and tested ways, structures there aren't good enough this year. Your tradition old man is bullshit. No one cares. If I can get there half the time doing half the work it's still fucking done. It's about the passionate off cuff energy. New ways of thinking. Intuitive flashes. All the eclipses are in fire/air signs this year, all the retrogrades are in fire signs, there's the awesome Jupiter/Uruans opposition in air/fire signs for most of the year. It's just a fucking fast fiery, inspirational, passionate and adventurous year. That Jupiter/Uruans opposition for like most of the year is all about unique and inspired thinking. It's about your individual skills and talents (Uruans) and sharing them and teaching collectively (Jupiter) I reckon there are going to be heaps of new inventions this year, it's gonna be easier to travel this year. I don't know if that means new budget airlines or whatever but the idea of people reaching each other is going to be easier. There are going to be more in moment, meeting the right person at the right time, saying the right thing, being in the moment kinda thing. I reckon there will be more random relationships. Like people infatuated with people who have never been their "type". Strange relationships. The eclipses this year (and if your a Leo or Aquarius or any fire/air sign I would defs be getting your chart checked this year) is all about the individual, creativity, passion and the collective, community and abroad. One of the eclipses falls exactly on the US presidents chart on his ascendant in August so it will be interesting to see what happens there. Venus retrograde happens in Aries, again another fire sign. Mars goes fast covering half the zodiac this year. There is just soooooo much fire energy! It's going to be a real quick, fast paced year. Travel, adventure, short term projects, I don't know whatever the fuck you're into - fitness camps. Just think short burst energy. I would say if you have goals and plans this year. Make small, fun, energetic plans that require short effort because I see a lot of distractions. And these aren't bad distractions or anything just something new will pop up at every corner so put as much energy as you can into things right off the bat because as soon as that's done I see new ideas, places, people, projects coming in. And it almost might even inspire you to change your ways or views personally later on. It's kinda like taste testing. The end of the year around October dies down a bit when Jupiter hits Scorpio and the energy calms down a little. But honestly the Jupiter/Uruans opposition for pretty much all year is so good. Like it's the most benefic and "lucky" planet hitting the most unique and strange and electrical planet. Anything is possible. I wouldn't bother for planning for something I want, I can do that whenever. You might as well encourage and think of all the strange outside of the box and weird shit that could and you want to happen. Something will pop up outta no-where. Act on intuitive flashes. This is perfect energy for it. World issues still seemed fucked. 2018 onwards for foreign affairs look even more scary. I think this year activism is huge. On a smaller scale it is what the individual can do. And this can be on both extremes. Positive and negative. And I see 2018 more of the shut down of that. Closing in. But for now I see the individuals voice and technology and social media to express views, new ways to spread whatever word a lot easier. Of course all of this energy is playing out somewhere particular to you and your chart so if you want a reading to see exactly where for you all this energy is happening, you can DM and we can talk chart readings. But otherwise, enjoy the spontaneity of the year, the more you are in the moment the better, pay attention to random insights or offers, if you are planning projects, ideas, whatever that's cool but come up with other ideas or back up plans to sudden changes. And pretty much the year of really honing in on your own skills and sharing them with others. It's an exciting year. It's daring. Change, travel and adventure are supported. The weirder the better. Use your gifts and talents to get around this year. Have loose plans. Embrace the random intuitive insights you have.