#Mod Cyn 💥

[selvesdiscovery]

Last night, I was chatting with one of my headmates when we both heard another voice none of us had ever heard before. It was a man’s voice, and he very clearly called out, “Christina?”, like he was looking for someone. The headmate I was talking to called out to him and he just asked back if we had seen Christina. We said no but offered to help him look, when another, more distant voice said (very firmly), “No.” We didn’t hear either voice after that.

We’ve never encountered these voices before, so we’re unsure who (or what) they may be. You know, headmate vs. weird brain stuff. Also, as far as we know, there are no gatekeepers who would be hiding headmates from the rest of us. We have no known amnesia and do not lose time when switching, so we’re fairly confident that no one beyond the known count has ever fronted.

I’m not sure whether this would be relevant or not, so I’ll include it anyway: we so far have been assuming endogenic origin, but there is the possibility of traumagenic.

Basically, is it “normal” to just hear random voices like that, or is it indicative of headmates we aren’t aware of?

Well, anon, this is a little bit out of my range of personal experience, so I'll try to go off of research I've done instead.

I'd say, the normality depends on your situation. if this sort of thing happens to you& a lot and doesn't necessarily mean anything, I'd say it's probably just ADHD brain making random thoughts or psychosis brain making hallucinations or whatever else you may suspect. But based on the specific nature of what was said, and how you're describing the way this occured, I'm not inclined to believe it's either of those. That being said, if you did not produce the voice, and you experienced it just as you experience the voices of the rest of your headmates, it is quite likely that is the voice of a headmate. To say whether or not it's someone you know or not is harder to do, but I'll say it's quite common in the community to discover new alters like this.

And if it is someone new, that doesn't necessarily mean a gatekeeper hid them or you're secretly traumagenic or anything like that. Sure, that's always a possibility you should keep in mind and not discount. But, it could just be a recently formed headmate, possibly looking for someone from their source (or their own world, if they're a soulbond or walk-in) or that they otherwise remember.

I mean, for the most part I don't have anything extravagant or super helpful to offer you in this situation. And it's been a little while since you asked this, so it's quite possible that things have already came to fruition (feel free to update me if they have!)

TL;DR I don't have a ton to offer you, but if it sounds like a headmate and acts like a headmate, it's probably a headmate, and that doesn't necessarily mean anything crazy. Could just be a confused new guy with no secrets whatsoever

[selvesdiscovery]

hi .. we want to stay on anon for this one due to the nature of the question. Alright, so ... We're disordered, and I wasn't aware of my system for a long time, and because of how our trauma works, I'm basically frontstuck and I hate it. I struggled to communicate with my headmates, and most had to learn how to co-front because we'd never done it before. I wanted to leave front completely because I just want a break, I know that's normal and not too bad.

So about the more disconcerting part ... In working to front switch more, we started noticing more heavy amnesia we didn't notice before due to me always being the one in front. The biggest is time loss (which is much less of a blackout and more of a dilation, but idk if that's because I don't completely lose consciousness?), but I also struggle to remember more than even the most basic of events if I'm far from front, random switches are happening way more often, things like that. I'm losing the control I didn't realize I had over us.

My point is, though, that .... I kind of like it, honestly? I really like it. I'm so much happier like this. I trust my headmates to do whatever's needed without me, being able to rotate things out more consistently is a huge weight off of me, the amnesia/time loss is actually a relief because I meticulously over-analyze every single action the body does. My desire to present as "sane" to singlets grows less and less every day, especially since we're already nonworking and unable to drive due to separate circumstances. I feel myself wanting to get to the point where I'm so far in back that I don't get shaky and fearful and forced back into the front seat when somebody in outerworld "requires" me. Not forever, because I have partners in the system and out and a life I want to live, but I crave that disconnect I or others in my system can sometimes initiate.

Would it be wrong of me to not discourage these aspects of our system normally considered "disordered"? I really don't mind not remembering things, my headmates remind me, and my qpp is usually there to tell me what I missed. I already have other memory problems so it feels more like accepting them. Random switches are only mildly annoying at best, and have only caused trouble when a singlet in outerworld expects something of me. Letting go of control and letting my headmates figure things out has been a relief and a blessing, a freedom from the exhaustion I constantly feel. It's also been improving the mental health of the headmates we rotate out with.

But I know these aspects are quite literally part of *why* we're disordered. I know some aspects of disabilities are only disabling because we live in a society catered to the "abled" side of the false dichotomy. But I see people around the system community saying encouraging dissociation and memory separation is dangerous, wrong, and anti-recovery. We... Really need an outside opinion, if that's alright.

TLDR: Is it wrong to encourage dissociative aspects of our system when it's drastically improving our mental health?

Hi!! Thanks for reaching out anon.

Honestly, not at all. I'm super happy for you, and very glad that you take comfort in the aspects of yourselves that are meant to be disordered.

If it makes you feel any better, we entirely relate. The amnesia, dissociation, time loss, losing control, switching a lot, especially when triggered or overwhelmed, are all extremely helpful and beneficial to us. Of course they're inconvenient sometimes, and unpleasant when we try to present as sane like you said, but they formed to protect us. They literally came to be to make us feel better. There's no shame in being relieved and grateful for these coping mechanisms your brain has built in for you.

There's also no shame if they end up getting more difficult at some point. The state of your symptoms with OSDDID is notoriously fluid, it's okay if you hate your symptoms and just want to be "normal" one day, and are grateful for everything they do for you the next. There's no shame in wanting to step back, dissociate, and block everything out from time to time, or even all the time.

We are very proud of you for finding happiness where you are. Never feel pressured to change that for anybody. The most invaluable thing a trauma survivor could possibly feel is happy with themselves. Being happy or content will never ever be anti-recovery, the entire goal of trauma recovery is to be happy and accept yourself. It would only be anti-recovery if it remained maladaptive, and hurt you more than it helped, yet you continued to lean in onto it. Clearly, you're& doing great. Keep it up!

[selvesdiscovery]

Hey guys, life has been really hard, sorry about anyone who's ask has been sitting around for a little while >.>

I'll get around to them all eventually. they might be a little sloppy due to the Horrors making my brain fuzzy, but I'm still open for anyone who needs advice!

I'll do my best to keep up with it when I can. Thanks for the patience

[selvesdiscovery]

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This blog is dedicated to helping individual headmates in plural systems live their best, most authentic lives. Feel free to send an ask looking for advice or validation.

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Mod Cyn - Host: 🔪 Alters: ☕🐟🎱🦀💥

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