#Misha is Fucked Up (TM)

[ashintheairlikesnow]

If you ever feel like writing a Drabble where Misha is on a date and gets broken up with please tag me, cause I’d love it 😈

CW: Whumper POV, sadistic whumper, Misha thinks a lot of violent things about basically everyone

-

A muscle in Misha's jaw twitches as his teeth meet, grinding together with the effort it takes to just... listen. He's wildly aware of the steak knife lying next to his right hand, convenient as can be, but probably nearly as dull as a bread knife.

"It's just... I kind of feel like you don't actually care," Michelle says, and looks at him with big, imploring eyes. He thinks about gouging them out and putting coins there, something Tyoma read to him once about paying for the ride to Hell. "Not, like, about me, but... well, yes, it feels like you don't care about anything, me included."

He nods, breathing carefully. "I don't think that's true," He says, and his voice stays mild, but the rage burns him up from the inside. It's the only thing he ever feels with any level of strength - every other emotion feels sort of faded by comparison, but anger... anger is bright and sharp and hot and good.

She raises her eyebrows, disbelieving, and then lets out a little laugh, picking up her fork to pick at her salad. "Okay, fine. Name one thing you even remotely care about more than yourself."

That's easy. Misha doesn't even hesitate. "My brother."

Her hand stills, a bit of lettuce dripping ranch dressing pierced right through, as if the vegetable bleeds white with green flecks. Misha's eyes flicker down to it, wondering if he could get a pitchfork all the way through a torso and try to recreate the image. When he looks back up at her face, the expression on her face is a strange one.

"... Yeah, okay," She says, speaking slowly. "But... like. You and your brother aren't... normal about each other."

"What does that mean?"

If she insults his Tyoma, he will slice her face to ribbons, even if the trail leads right to him. It'd be worth it, to show her ruined body to Tyoma and say, look, she said bad things about you, look how much I love you that I have ensured she can't say them again.

"I... I don't know, Mikhail." She says it almost like Michael in her stupid American accent, and he swallows down a correction. It isn't worth it. "I just mean... look, my brother's a couple years older than me. I know tons of people with brothers, and none of them spend as much time together as you guys do. And, like, he looks at me like I'm intruding on you two."

"Tyoma only wants to protect me," Misha lies, smooth like oil.

Tyoma wants to protect you from me.

"Right. But. Still, like, it's weird, right?"

Misha exhales, slowly. Tyoma always tells him to breathe away the anger before it takes over when he's in a place where people will see it. He tries, he really does try.

"I do not think so," He says, placing each word into the air, picturing them as stones he drops to weigh her down, drag her under the surface of the water. "We come from Russia when we are little, we have only each other for long time." His accent is thickening, he's dropping the unnecessary English words that used to drive him up the wall.

The other kids laughed because he forgot the 'a' or the 'the' in so many sentences, and sometimes he scratched them up or bit them, and then Tyoma taught him how to stop himself, how to breathe first.

"No, I get that-"

"Do you?"

She swallows, and she sees something in his face. He knows she does, because she sits up suddenly, her spine straightening. She's tense, now. He thinks about when she explained to him that she keeps her keys between her knuckles when she walks late at night out of her job at the mall, how she never wears her hair in a ponytail because that would make it easier to grab. All the little rules she lives by to keep herself safe. He hadn't been paying much attention, it had seemed like so many pointless little games.

"Yeah," She says, and her voice is a little husky, now. "Yeah, I do. You were all by yourselves when you moved here, I understand that. But, like... that was more than ten years ago. And dating you still feels like I'm dating you both, except that I kind of get the feeling that your brother isn't into the idea."

Misha hasn't ever considered it that way. He looks to the side, out into the eternal rain. Why his parents moved to this part of the country, where a drizzle is good weather and sun is a rarity, will never make sense to him. "I can see why you think this," He says, finally, and his voice is softer now. He can see Michelle relax.

It's her own fault, not realizing that predators are often quietest just before they strike.

"I like seeing you," He continues, and looks down at his own steak, half-eaten, so raw it might as well be bleeding on the plate. "I am sorry you do not want to see me any longer, but we can stay friends?"

"Yeah," She says, and he wonders if she's lying. Misha lies all the time, about everything, constantly. But he can never tell if other people are lying - mostly, he doesn't care. "Yeah, friends. Listen, I'm gonna-... if you're okay, I'm gonna go. Do you mind grabbing the check?"

She's leaving, he thinks, and making sure she's gone before he can follow her out.

It doesn't matter.

He knows where she lives, works, who her friends are...

Tyoma would tell him this would be too close, people would look at him. Likely suspect, unlike the strangers in bars he's never seen before. Unlike the women walking the streets with no one to report them missing. Tyoma is right, he's right, and so Misha pushes it down. Instead, he looks over Michelle's face, memorizing it as best he can.

"No problem," He replies, and pushes his chair out, standing up to offer her a hug. She looks unsettled, but unwilling to make a scene - she steps into the hug, and he reminds himself not to hold her tight enough to hurt. He breathes in her perfume.

"I will see you around," He says, voice kind and soft, unworried. Unbothered.

"Yeah," She mumbles as she breaks away from him. She grabs her purse and he watches her go. She has her phone in her hand and then to her ear before she disappears from the window, and he thinks about how she's probably calling someone so she'll be on the phone all the way to her car, in case he runs after her.

In case he gives chase.

Misha, though, just sits quietly back down and cuts another bite of his steak.

He will forget her in a week, or two or three, and find some other girl. He has no doubts he'll find someone new, there's always someone new. It's not like he cares about them, he just hates when they leave him.

But Tyoma will still be there.

He finishes every single bite of his own dinner and about a third of Michelle's remaining salad before he pays and leaves, walking out into the nighttime rain without even batting his eyes against the droplets that land on his lashes.

Even the anger is fading, now. No feeling stays in him for long, he flits from one to the next. Only the itch is permanent. Michelle can go - he doesn't need her, or even care about her very much. He just hates being refused.

He sits in the driver's seat and dials the only number he knows by heart.

"Allo," Tyoma says, sounding like he's been woken up out of a dead sleep. Misha grins, knowing he'll be all mussed up, hair in his eyes. "Mishka? Vse khorosho?"

"Yeah, is fine," He answers in English. "Michelle breaks up with me tonight."

"Oh." Tyoma hesitates, then asks, gently, "Are you okay?"

Misha's smile widens. If he can't feel enough for things to matter, Tyoma at least feels enough for both of them. It's cute, that he thinks Misha might be heartbroken. "Da. Is fine. I want to go out tonight, though, find someone."

Tyoma's silence is so long that Misha breaks it with laughter, shaking his head where he sits in his car.

"Not like that! Uspokoit'sya, Artyoshka. Just to meet girls. Do you have work?"

"Mmmf, no. My night off. I can go. I can... what time s'it?"

"Eight-thirty."

"Mishka..." Tyoma groans. Misha can see him collapsing back into bed, head against the pillow. "I sleep for only four hours!"

"I know. Mne zhal', Artyoshka," He isn't, he isn't sorry at all, "But I want to go out. You will come with? Yes? If I come home, you will go with me out tonight?"

If Tyoma says yes, he won't kill anyone tonight. If he says no, Misha will find someone who looks like Tyoma and kill them instead, take pictures, and show Tyoma what he's done by caring about a little sleep more than his own brother.

He's picturing, with delight, what it would be like to see Tyoma's eyes go so wide and scared of him, like the others do before they die. How handsome Tyoma would be bleeding. But all his big brother does is sigh heavily. "Da. I need to shower and dress. Come home?"

"I will." Misha sighs, feeling so much better already. Even just thinking about fixing the itch helps, a little. Even if he would never ever hurt his brother, sometimes thinking about it is just... fun. "Tyoma?"

"Da?"

"Thank you. You are a very good brother."

He hangs up before he hears if Tyoma says anything back. Tonight will be just for drinking, dancing, and maybe seeing if any girls will go into the filthy bar bathrooms with him, and he won't hurt anyone. He won't hurt anyone at all.

He can save that for later.

Especially if any of those girls like Tyoma more.

[parasolyaa]

assigning every choir member an old ukrainian cartoon.

noel — how cossacks played football / how cossacks helped the musketeers

the pipeline of french musketeers being absolutely pissed at ukrainian cossacks and then having a Strong Male Friendship tm is something noel would appreciate i think

misha — ivasyk-telesyk

this parallel may or may not be inspired by @cpvnksabm ‘s wonderful fanfic

ricky — about a cat who fell from the sky

this is literally just zolar. the song on 4th minute is basically sabm.

jane/penny — alice in wonderland

no link, sorry. but believe me when i say this version of alice is wonderfully uncanny

+ talya — yulia’s birthday

the story follows a girl from kyiv who has a boyfriend and they promice to get married once they finish school. except the boyfriend fucking dies in an accident. he continues to haunt yulia for the rest of her life

ocean and constance coming in part two if i ever make it, i've used up the picture limit here. also i really need to assign them modern ukrainian cartoons too, just for the misha pes patron joke

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Sometimes I like to think, "they are real people, they deserve their privacy, whatever they do in their private life is up to them, and their partners" and then I look at the photo of Misha looking up at Jensen like he was the man who invented music, and I go, with all the sincerity I can muster What The Actual Fuck(tm)

lmao yeah, it can be kind of a difficult line to balance on.

the way i see it, what they do in private is 100% their business, and i generally avoid speculating too much on that. but what they do in public is stuff that they have chosen to let us see, and it's not invading their privacy to simply lay eyeballs on their public indecency and interpret those images.

if they were uncomfortable with us speculating on their public actions, they simply would not do these things in fucking public. but they do, and have been for over a decade, and they KNOW that we know, and yet they persist.

because they're exhibitionists.

[wigglebox]

I'm a Misha cockles bait apologist. Sorry but misleading people into thinking you're dating your friend is really fun and I advocate for everyone to have a go at it once in their lifetime. Now, I'm not straight, BUT I have it on good authority that my straight friend who I pretended to be having a passionate gay affair with for over two years was having just as great of a time as I was and we are still friends to this day. So even if there's not a single bisexual bone in Misha's body I still 100% support him fucking around. It's the least he deserves for having to put up with the slightly weirdly performative “go up and entertain us” mentality of conventions. (This goes for Jensen as well obviously the discourse just isn't about him right now).

yeah i mean obviously there's a line i wouldn't want either of them to cross, but in my eyes they don't?

also i have a strange relationship with RPS and that's the fact i don't actually like participating in it and indeed despite seeing cockles stuff for years and years, and just kinda nodding along, i really couldn't help myself in 2019 after JIB. but it's still one of those 'this is the exception, not the rule' lol

but in that strange relationship i come to grips with the fact that the subjects of the real person ship can do whatever they want with the information once they learn it's happening.

and both of them kinda lean into it and are cute about it and sometimes a little *blush* and honestly if they're having a good time, then I'm having a good time. be it friends or something more cockles is still just fun lol and they're having a fun time with it and since they're the ones at the center of the ship, and they're not fictional characters and have a brain for themselves, i think it's only fair that they get to joke around about it as well. they've never told us 'fuck you fuck this ship this is disgusting what's wrong with you we're straight heterosexual men TM thank you very much' or anything they just are like 'haha yeah jensen's the horse' or 'why, i lived it'?' or whatever wlekfjawlkejfwa

like let them have some fun with it xD

and they've been having fun with it for years now and it's not like it's new. i don't think it's really misleading because there's still no actual proof cockles isn't anything more than just Good Bros TM just Guys Bein' Dudes TM or anything but i AM a support of them both doing whatever they want with the information that there's a chunk of fans who think they're together together if yo know what i mean.

so long as they're not being very offensive and throwing slurs around and making fun of it maliciously and making fun of their fans and putting us down and shit.

they lean into it, so i feel like we can too? like, we can too lol.

again i don't think it's bait, but i think it's fun for them maybe. like we know they know we know they know we know etc etc so on and so forth to infinity and beyond xD

if they're nothing more than Straight Friends TM then it's still funny like idk. i know some people will disagree with this entire thing and that's fine, but i also have a proclaimed straight male friend who always talks about his roommate like they're an old married couple and all that and make comments like that all the time. only difference is they don't do conventions or talk on twitter or Instagram xD

[whengeorgiawentblue]

So all of Jensen's interactions with Misha were public relations? His birthday message in 2008 And anniversary photo does that include it?

"He doesn't have any business partnership with Misha as we know of. He does not do ships and fandom games so he doesn't feel the need ro rile us up in SM. So PR game with Misha as we know of it ended when the show ended."

You should ask the original OP who posted that, the full post is here.

I also received a similar anon (I guess it's form the same copy-paste anon...)

Anyway, I'll answer this.

When people say it's PR, they are not saying it isn't genuine. Jensen wishes Dee happy birthday in SM, but it's obvious he has already told her in private, and if they are lucky enough to be together that day, they probably have a romantic dinner or sort of.

So, why does he also post it in SM? Because that's for the fans and the general public. Imagine if Jensen didn't post anything on Dee's birthday... people would start rumors about their marriage falling out (as J2 shippers do from time to time lol).

Something similar but not as extreme applies to Jensen's coworkers (Steve Carlson, Misha, Jared, other spn cast...). I'm sure he congratulates in private or in person (idk if this still applies to Jared after the confirmation of the J2 fallout), but he also posted in SM to show everybody's fine at the show, spn family and so on. This could be the example of the first link:

It's very cute, but also very aseptic and neutral. It's just "generic insta post"TM, not very different from the posts Jensen usually makes about Jared or other members of the cast.

And now, have a look at the second link:

First of all, what the fuck does this mean?? This post is not generic or aseptic or neutral at all. 10 years? 10 years of what? Is it the 10 years challenge? Is it the 10 years of their friendship? Is it the 10 years of a romantic relationship? It's confusing and ambiguous, because it totally looks like a couple celebrating their anniversary.

Why posting that? It can't be PR, because as I said, it sends an ambiguous and confusing message to the audience. More so if we know Jensen attitude to Destiel. I won't elaborate whether Jensen supports destiel or not (apparently he didn't but with time he became more open to the idea, afaik), but anyway, if we buy that Jensen doesn't ship destiel, then why does he post a picture with such a strong homosexual innuendo? Not to mention this is not about Cas and Dean, but about Misha and him. Jensen has a public image of heterosexual, married man with kids. Posting this as a PR doesn't make any sense at all, because it would damage his own public image.

And it makes even far less sense considering the "logistics" behind the "PR stunt": inviting your male costar (who is supposedly to be in the show just 1 or 2 seasons more) to a romantic dinner; save that picture for 10 years; 10 years later invite your costar (whom nobody knew would last so long in the show) again to the same place; take a new picture and post it in SM with a sappy quote. And all of this while risking your own heterosexual public image and appealing the rpf shippers. It doesn't make any sense at all.

However, what makes sense (I'm now tinhatting) is that Jensen is, in fact, involved in a romantic relationship with Misha, and when someone is in love, they need to tell the world about it. But Jensen can't do it. So this is the most he can do without outing himself.

And why choosing the 10th anniversary? My opinion is that anniversaries mark the beginning of something truly special or a new life stage, while birthdays, specially for middle age people, no way are that important and become a repetitive thing.

Will Jensen celebrate publicly their 15 years anniversary? Only time will tell...

I hope to anwer these questions, and now, lets see examples of what is and what isn't a PR stunt:

The chest to chest selfie: Not PR stunt

The 10th anniversary: Not PR stunt

The picture at the hospital: Not PR stunt

Jensen promoting Walker: PR stunt

J2 reconciliation in twitter: PR stunt (and a very bad one, because they clearly contradict each other)

Jensen's post about Jared's birthday: PR stunt (which totally looks like it was written by Misha btw)

[hallowed-by-thy-name]

EveryboDY CALM THE FUCK DOWN

It's been a long ass journey for a lot of us out there (saying this as someone who discovered spn recently- with great enthusiam and binge-meta-reading, mind you), but we've been destiel trash for a long LONG time.

And there's two episodes left. Which means there's still story left to tell. And we know how angsty our OTP is, come on guys.

It took Dean 3 episodes last time to decently spill his guts to Cas, and it took Cas in serious danger for him to do it. And that's just in THIS season.

So we know and it's been long established that Dean is one repressed emotionally constipated boi.

Keep in mind that before the 'I love you', within the span of a few minutes, Dean has probably had 3562 epiphanies. He's being told in a sudden outpouring of confessions, stuff that Cas probably wanted to tell him for yEARS; he's found out that Cas is going to die; he's found out that someone was holding a threat over them yet aGAIN.

(Gif not mine)

This is not Jensen being homophobic. He may never have been too keen on Destiel, but he's given me no proof to think that he's homophobic. So all y'all gotta stop bitching on him.

The slight shake of the head, the swallow that is the signature pushing-the-emotions-down^TM swallow shows that he's keeping himself from doing something. (Jensen's also fantastic at these type of microexpressions and they hold more weight for Dean who doesn't use his words often than they would for another character).

What's he going to do anyway? Burst into tears and say 'I love too, Cas because I suddenly gained the courage for this in the face of your oncoming dEATH'?? He's probably still absorbing the fact that Cas is going to die. Again.

Cas is literally confessing on his deathbed to a Dean that now has 2 people with him to save the world. You can see it on Dean's face too: the unsaid 'not now-you can't tell me this and DIE'.

Also Cas didn't give him a lot of time or chance before he pushed him away.

Also here's the-

(Gif not mine)

Knowing Dean, actions speak a hell of a lot louder and more, than the words he may or may not say (if that makes any sense). Though he may not have said much to Cas, this shows how much he's in shock, how much he cares. And he definitely cares. So much so that he ignores Sam's calls. SAM, who, along with Jack, may have been in real trouble as far as Dean knows. He ignores everything, and takes the time break down over Cas.

Also, like how many fanfics have we read with the exACT SAME thing happening?? (Cas confessing, and Dean freezing up for a decent amount of time). The only thing this shows me is that it's characterization on point.

To conclude, I think both Jensen and Misha did a FANTASTIC job in the scene; we have 2 episodes left; And I seriously fucking hope my faith in the writers is not misplaced.

[ajaegerpilot]

in my first year of uni i had like 0 (zero) friends except for this one guy in my bio class whom i chatted with and made the mistake of giving my number to bc he’d text a lot and i dont like texting ppl except to exchange relevant information like plans or memes and anyway I remembered him (he was like 23 i believe) and like lmao at one point he did ask me out and i read him the ‘friendship is magic’ speech and he backed off. but that last text message was just like... i was Outtie...

[levcross]

Thanks for the tag @misha-misha

I always love to talk about my favs, though it was hard only choosing 10 fandoms lol... and only 1 character per fandom...

Anders - Dragon Age Rebel Mage, Possessed Boyfriend, Cat Enthusiast, Bi-Disaster, Poor Little Meow Meow, Sewer-man and (according to me) Fenris' husband/boyfriend/bitch

2. Eddie Munson - Stranger Things Pretty-boy, Dramatic-bitch, Chaotic-gay, Baby Cow-Eyes, Sunshine-Metal-Head, Must be Protected. (While I always liked Stranger Things and had a special love for Steve, Will, Robin, Dustin, Max and Erica, Eddie was the reason I actually got into the fandom.)

3. Ami Mizuno/Sailor Mercury - Sailor Moon Original Anime Girl Crush, Girl-Genius, Innocent-look but Dirty-mind, Adorable and Sweet, Brilliant Badass (though Sailor Saturn is a close second)

4. Morpheus/ Dream of the Endless - Sandman Sickly Victorian Dandy, Emo Sad-boy TM, Pouty Proud Asshole, Hob's Husband and Pillow Prince (once again kind of hard to choose as I also love Death, the Corinthian, Hob and Gilbert)

5. Takeshi Natsume - Natsume Yuujinchou Yokai chew-toy, Cat-Nip to male friends/rivals, Mr. Done with your shit, Annoyed but Empathetic soft-boy, Irritated Damsel in Distress, Ace-vibes but Homo-romantic

6. Harley Quinn/Harleen Quinzel - DC Universe Chaotic-Bi (though she should always be with Ivy!), Violent Feminist, Anti-hero, Brooklyn-Accent, Brilliant Babe, Wildcard

7. Tanjiro Kamado - Demon Slayer Literal Sunshine, Sweetest Big Brother Ever, My Son TM, Empathetic soft-boy, The Pillars' Fav (you know I'm not wrong), Melter of Hearts (thought with this one I also have much love for Shinobu because small, cute and filled with rage - she's best girl - sorry Nezuko fans)

8. Spencer Reid - Criminal Minds Why the term 'Adorkable' exists, Absolutely Brilliant and Fucking Clueless, Pipe-cleaner with eyes, Weirdo (affectionate), Soft yet Sassy, Pretty-boy McFawn-Eyes

9. Terran Emperor Phillipa Georgiou - Star Trek Discovery Universe's worst mom (affectionate), MEAN!, Evil is hot, Please beat me up, Unscrupulous (turn-on), Villain has a soft side, Redemption???

10. Sam Winchester - Supernatural Puppy-dog eyes, Troublesome-Little-Brother, Psychic Angst TM, Sweet Sincere and Awkward, Best Intentions and Dumb Decisions, Co-dependent disaster, Dork with Daddy Issues (I never did finish the series - stopped around season 10 I think? But Sam was always my boy)

No pressure tags and sorry if you've already been tagged: @screechingsweets, @hippiefricked @potatowitch, @salmon-fishuu, @your-infernal-majesti, @barbex, @retrowave-dirtgrub, @autumnisadisaster

Share ten different favorite characters from ten different pieces of media in no particular order then send this to 10 people (anon or not, your choice) 

Thanks so much for the tag @spinmewriteround!

Eddie Munson - Stranger Things

Obi-Wan Kenobi - Star Wars

Grogu - The Mandalorian

Number Five - Umbrella Academy

Zeke Landon - Manifest

Spock - Strange New Worlds

Michael - Star Trek: Discovery

Thor - MCU

G'Kar - Babylon 5

Dean Winchester - Supernatural

No pressure tags: @misha-misha @princesseddie @munsons-maiden @yeacatniphulk @anerdwrites @hellfireclubpres

[lokidiabolus]

Hey, Misha! Needless to say, I absolutely adore your writing 💓 I've always loved Childhood Friends!AU and I was wondering if you're keen on writing a prompt (or more prompts, it's not like I would be complaining haha!) about Newtmas as childhood friends? It would be so cool!

To be completely honest, childhood friends!AU is one of my favourite tropes ever. I had several ideas in my head for it, but this one occured to me y-day after p browsing internet, finding a picture of unrequired love kind of thing. I'll probably return to the childhood friends!au with different ideas, but I just had to get this one out ^^

Ao3 Version.

Newt was born in England, Brighton, but when hewas five, his family decided to move to America and settle down in a house witha white fence and a dog, living the American dream.  Newt hated it there – he hated how peoplespoke, he hated how they laughed, how they behaved, how nothing was like he wasused to. He missed his friends and their little house near the coast, the airand the beaches.

After a year he got used to his new life to adegree where he didn’t whine to his parents anymore, but secretly remainedbitter about people around him, until the first day of the first grade where hemet Thomas in his class.

Thomas was a kid of the same age; with bigbrown eyes and really adorable way of pronouncing “squirrel” (that was also whyNewt remembered him so well right the first day). He didn’t live too far fromNewt’s house, just few blocks actually, and he was the friendliest person Newtmet in America so far. They became friends very fast and 11 years later Newt consideredhim his best friend he could tell everything to.

Well, almost everything.

He started crushing on him when he was aboutfifteen, but if he really wanted to be honest, he probably somehow fell in lovewith Thomas’ adorableness right in the first grade and it stuck to him like aglue. He tried to get rid of the feeling at first, because hey, two guys andThomas being straighter than an arrow didn’t really offer anything but trouble,but he failed miserably, so he just decided to ignore the problem until it wouldeventually go away.

He was 17 now and it was still there. Newt wouldeven say worse than before, especially when Thomas started to date his highschool sweetheart Teresa and Newt had no idea what to do with himself. He wasstill the best friend, still the main person Thomas turned to and telleverything (sadly definitely everything)but how the creeping desperation inside of him progressed, Newt started to hatehimself with passion and the fear of not fulfilling the expectation of the TheBest FriendTM was eating him up alive.

“You’re awfully quiet today.”

Newt jolted and almost spilled his drink he wasabsentmindedly holding all this time, while sitting in Thomas’ bedroom,completely ignoring the TV that was playing. He didn’t even know why he cameover in the end, but it probably involved Teresa not being present. Spendingalone time with Thomas had been rather difficult lately, but Newt thought itwas better, since it would give him less chances to screw up.

“Sorry,” he put the glass with drink on thetable, wiping his hand to his trousers. “Just thinkin’.”

“’bout?” Thomas’ voice was full of curiosityand Newt sometimes thought he should work harder on pretending everything wasfine before Thomas would put one and one together.

“How lame your hair is today,” he shot back,glancing at his friend with a perfectly faked smirk, and Thomas sputtered.

“Noooo…”

“You look like an idiot,” he insisted, becausehey, Thomas really did look strange with the hair being all up and ready to runaway, judging from the weird angles it had. He kind of guessed it was Teresa’sinfluence or something, but it didn’t mean it looked good. Thomas groaned andslid down his bed and onto the floor like sack of potatoes.

“Fuck, I really hate it too,” he heard himsaying. “But I tried; therefore no one should criticize me.”

“Go wash it,” Newt nudged him and Thomascrawled away, whining all the way to the bathroom, and then some more frominside. He was dating Teresa for about four months now and Newt was alreadyspotting her touch on all kind of things – the hair, some clothes, even musictaste. All things were screaming no toNewt, but he couldn’t really say much about it, unless he wanted to upsetThomas marginally (unless it was really bad, like the hair today). They weremeeting up less too, gaming together felt like impossible task and all the freetime got usurped with deadly accuracy, as if on purpose. But Newt was braveenough to say it couldn’t be Teresa’s aim, because he was really trying hisbest to pretend, and nobody found out yet. Thomas even preferred her most ofthe time and Newt wasn’t the one to complain, it was usually other Thomas’friends who did.

Or was it because he wasn’t loud enough?Because he acted so reconciled with the fact Thomas was in love with somebodyelse?

No, he thought. Can’t be it. Would be weirder if I whined about it.

“Phew, that’s better,” Thomas emerged back fromthe bathroom, towel around his shoulders and his hair wetly plastered on hishead. “That’s for me believing what a girl is saying.”

“Feels bad, man,” Newt commented with a smile andThomas sat next to him on the floor with a sigh. The TV played some randomdrama and Thomas seemed too interested in it, which meant something wasbothering him but he tried to pretend everything was fine.

Newt tilted his head to the side and nudged himagain.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly and Thomasmade a face at the TV. Newt wasn’t sure if it the scene was that bad, since hebarely paid attention, or if it meant he didn’t want to talk about any problemthat could be occurring.

“Think I’m a shitty bf,” Thomas said with hiseyes still fixated on the screen. Newt stared back at him with no idea what thehell to say, until Thomas finally glanced towards him with embarrassedexpression.

“What,” Newt managed, his mind reeling. True,it was kind of strange Thomas wasn’t with Teresa as he always did, or at leaston the phone texting her, but he didn’t really think much of it until now. “Why?”

“Cuz she’s not happy,” Thomas answered withsurprising calm.

“Not happy?” Newt repeated incredulously. Whatelse she wanted from Thomas than what he was already giving her? They werebasically always together lately too. “She told you or something?”

“She didn’t need to,” Thomas shrugged, but itlooked rather weak. “She’s not happy cuz I’m not happy.”

Then break up withher, Newt greedyside wanted to say, but he forced himself to stop. Under no circumstances hewould say something like that, ever. Hewas going to support Thomas because he was his best friend, even though herepeated it in his head like mantra too many times so it would still be true.

“Did something happen between you?” he askedinstead, carefully, like walking over broken glass, and Thomas shook his head. “Youtalked about it with her?” Thomas nodded. “And?”

“I guess it’s kinda over?” Came a reply andNewt’s heart almost stopped. They broke up? Broke up for real?

Nonono, stop thinkingabout it!

“’m sorry to hear that, man,” Newt forced outas apologetically as he could and patted Thomas on his back. “Can I do anythingfor you to feel better?”

Because of course his stupid, greedy self wouldsay that. Like oh great, you broke up,let’s spend more time together again, so I can get my dose like a junkie beforeit’s too late!

“You being here is already doing a lot,” Thomassmiled at him gratefully and Newt kind of wanted to cry. This was not fair andyet it absolutely was, and in the end it changed nothing and it never would.Teresa might have been out of picture, but there were going to be other girls,other dates and relationships and Newt was stagnating on one spot, unable tomove forward, the best friend watching from side lines.

“Anytime, man,” he said anyway and when Thomasrested his head on Newt’s shoulder like a content overgrown cat, Newt waspretty sure he was soon going to burn in hell.

***

“Man, I’m so jelly of that guy.”

“Huh?” Newt raised his head from the notes whenWinston was staring into his phone like somebody sent him a death threat.

“I wanted to buy a ticket for today’s B-Clubperformance, but they are all sold out already,” Winston whined, uselesslyclicking on order while getting errormessages.

“That rubbish band?” Newt raised an eyebrow andWinston made a face at him.

“They may be rubbish, but it’s full of prettyladies, sue me,” he commented with pursed lips and Newt shook his head with achuckle. “And that bastard Thomas already have a ticket!”

“What?” that made Newt alert again, this timewith confused undertone. Thomas never listened to the band, quite frankly nevereven paid them much attention, despite the fact it was full of young girls, andsuddenly had a ticket for the show? Why?

“That chick Brenda got him one,” Winston letout a sigh. “Seriously. Lucky bastard, scoring a date and ogling at one night.”

A date?

Newt hated how his stomach clenched at that,like somebody was kicking him repeatedly. It had been two weeks since the break-upwith Teresa and Thomas fell back into his let’shang out every day routine with Newt. They usually had at least dinnertogether, either at Newt’s or Thomas’ home, and their parents were like: oh, glad to see you coming here again [name]!It was almost like they were kids once more, playing videogames or justtalking, even helping each other with assignments. Thomas never mentioned anyBrenda during the talks, and Newt was perfectly sure if there was a dating possibility,he would tell Newt as the first person. And Newt would smile and congratulatehim, as he always did, and the meetings would diminish, as they always did, andeverything would be the same once more.

But now he didn’t know about anything thatmight have even resemble Thomas wanting to date, and unless he met her justtoday and she immediately gave him a ticket for a rubbish show, it just fellout of the learned way of Thomas’ behaviour pattern.

He despised himself the moment he grabbed hisphone and sent Thomas a message about tonight’s dinner, because his masochisticside of wanting to suffer just couldn’t be repressed, apparently. Surely Thomaswould tell him about dating. Surely Winston just heard wrong?

Thomas – 14:21 – Sorrymy man, can’t tonight! Call it for tomorrow though, ayyy!

Newt sent something neutral back, he knew that,it was a well learned move, and then the rest of the day somehow passed as ablur.

***

“Chinese food.”

“Your favourite,” Thomas responded proudlywhile presenting the kitchen table full of white, neat boxes. The food in themsmelled fantastic and there was too much for just two of them, and Newt bit histongue in order to keep any questions about yesterday inside. Thomas waspractically glowing and he knew that kind of state – falling in love, beingobsessed, overdosed with endorphins. Newt had no bloody right to pry into it ifThomas didn’t want to tell him, and maybe it was easier with the blissedoblivion for a little longer.

“You’re too nice,” he said instead withpracticed smile, and no, he was happy for him, he was glad Thomas was in goodmood and in great place right now. He was still his best friend, and bestfriends were basically family. He was (bitterly) happy for him. “What’s theoccasion?”

“You looking like an advertisement for Twiggyfashion?” Thomas joked and pulled a chair away, gesturing for Newt to sit down.

Oh no, Newt thought. He’s going to drop something huge. He’s never this super nice without areason.

“Thomas,” he eyed him warily, but the brunetjust grinned and gestured towards the chair again, so Newt sat down and hopedfor the best. “You’re creeping me out now.”

“Oh no, this soon?” Thomas faked a shock andNewt wanted to groan. “What are you going to say after the candles and themarching band I ordered to play your favourite song?”

“I’d just rather die already,” Newt buried hisface in his hands and Thomas laughed in honest amusement and patted his back.

“Oh c’mon, Newtie, you know you love it anyway,”he had the nerve to wink at him and when he finally sat down on the other chairand handed Newt one of the boxes without pulling a bouquet of roses out of hisass, Newt could relax a little.

“So, I had been thinking,” Thomas started and Newtbraced for the inevitable as casually as he could. It was fine, a good friendordering his favourite food while telling him something insane, like thatwhoever Brenda had been was now pregnant and Thomas was dropping out of schoolto marry her to have a nice house at the beach, a golden retriever and a whitefence.

Good grief, I hopenot, for his own sake.

“I hope it didn’t hurt,” Newt piped withoutlooking at him when Thomas grew quiet. “You rarely use your brain, don’t strainit too much in one go.”

“Oi, I use it when it counts!” Thomas retortedback with a smile in his voice and Newt’s mouth curled up in a smile too,almost involuntarily. He kept his eyes on the food though, just to be sure.

“So?” he asked matter-of-factly and Thomassighed.

“Are you not going to look at me at all tonight?”

Newt blinked and glanced up, spotting Thomas’sour expression aimed at him.

“Huh?” he let out stupidly. “Uh, sorry. Lookingat you now.”

The sour expression stayed and Newt cleared histhroat and put the box back on the table.

“Sorry,” he repeated. “What’s yours I had been thinking thing then?”

“Eh, never mind, the mood is gone,” the brunetshrugged and reached for his food as well. “My bad.”

He didn’t elaborate even when Newt was glaringat him for a full minute after and then half of the first episode of Scrubs.

***

It came as no surprise when Thomas couldn’tcome for dinner the next day or the day after. It gave Newt the right message,and quite frankly he was a little glad he managed not to hear Thomas out theother day, because even when he could imagine what Thomas had to say, it wouldstill take too much effort to keep straight face during it. So he was nowcontent with the Schrodinger relationship that kept Thomas busy and justwallowed in his own self-pity for a change.

Was it going to be like this forever? Was hegoing to pin after him until he would be old and wrinkly and Thomas would havea wife, and kids and grandkids and occasionally invite Newt over for the good old-timesake while sporting his wife’s favoured brand of clothes and hairstyle?

Am I going to bebitter and alone forever because I just can’t give up?

He took his phone, his eyes fixated on Thomas’name in the chat log, and the last message was a lil busy this week, I will make it up to you.

“Make it up to me,” he read out loud, the lightfrom the phone almost blinding him in the dark room where he was hidden underthe covers.

Newt – 20:11 – Hey, Ireally miss you. Hewrote, then his fingers stopped and got back to the delete button, erasing thewhole message.

Newt – 20:15 – I loveyou since the first grade and can’t stop thinking about you. He wrote again, his fingerstrembling, and it hurt inside. He left the text shine on the screen for awhile, reading it over and over again, but it didn’t make it a lie, it didn’terase the truth in the words. He deleted it again until there was only ablinking cursor staring back at him, mockingly challenging him to writesomething that wouldn’t completely destroy the friendship he clung to almosthis whole life.

Newt – 20:30 – Hey! Anyplans for tonight? :)

He hit sent and tossed the phone next to him onthe mattress, leaving it bounce several times before landing screen down,muting the light. He knew what answer to expect and didn’t want to read itanytime soon.

The sleep claimed him almost immediately.

***

“Newtie, you’re getting old,” said Thomas’voice in his dream. It was warm and friendly and Newt imagined him sitting onhis bed, gently stroking his hair while smiling down at him.

“Am I?” he asked back, basking in the raremoment of calmness, free of bitter reality and his own wicked thoughts abouthis best friend.

“Falling asleep so early,” Thomas was stillsmiling and his hand was warm on Newt’s cheek, caressing it. “Is there somethingon your mind?”

“You,” Newt responded back and it was so easyand liberating to say it. “It has always been you.”

The caressing stopped for a fraction of second,but then Thomas was leaning down, tilting Newt’s chin up, and his lips were alittle dry, but Newt loved the kiss anyway. It was soft and gentle, like sailingon waves of serenity and when Thomas started to pull away, he boldly chased hislips, stealing one more kiss before letting go, swiping his tongue over Thomas’lower lip in satisfaction.

“I know it’s a little overdue, but,” Thomas’voice was lower now, huskier, and Newt goddamn loved this kind of dream. He lethis best friend, his unfulfilled love, to sit over him like a knight waking upa princess and it was ridiculous to think about it that way, but it fitted sowell Newt just had to chuckle at the thought.

“What?” There was evident confusion in Thomas’eyes, but Newt wished it away – not here, not now. Thomas, his dream Thomas,understood his thoughts.

“A knight and a sleeping beauty,” he said witha smile and Thomas barked out a laugh.

“Can’t say it doesn’t fit,” he agreed, and Newtfelt more clarity now, more noises came to him. He must have started to wake upand the thought made him sad.

“What I meant to say,” Thomas started talkingagain and Newt started to feel thirsty, like after a night in a hot room, and alittle stuffy. Didn’t he turn off the heating before going to sleep? Damn, itwas already ruining the dream like an apocalypse. “Was that I had beenthinking-,”

“Déjà vu,“ Newt mumbled and then it hit him.

He wasn’t sleeping. This wasn’t a dream. Thomaswas in his room, sitting on his bed, talking to him. Kissing him.

“And you never let me finish,” Thomas sighed,fully in flesh and here and Newtstarted to panic. The terror was setting in his bones like lead and pinned himto the bed with deadly accuracy of somebody, whose sentence was to die in thevery bed, by shame and mortification and so, so much bitterness.

“What are you doing here?” Newt croaked out,his eyes wide, and Thomas didn’t move an inch from his current bent downposition above him. The living nightmare was too cruel now, too merciless.

“You asked me what plans I have, I answered youand you didn’t reply,” Thomas responded with eerie calm for somebody who justgot kissed by his best friend out of the blue. “So I stopped by, auntie saidyou’re in your room and then I found you here sleeping.”

“Oh no,” Newt croaked. “Oh god no.”

“Then I kissed you, you were fine and now you’refreaking out,” Thomas ended the elaboration and added an eyeroll for a goodmeasure. Newt hoped the bed would open and swallow him whole.

“You were a dream!” Newt whined in defence, butunfortunately knew already it wasn’t the case. Thomas was here, and had beenhere when the apparent dream started, and Newt told him things he shouldn’thave, and the world might have ended today and it would be just perfect.

“Nope, not really,” Thomas assured him. “Wait,do you mean you’d kiss only dream me but not real me? Where’s the equality?”

“Thomas, please-,”

“Newt, I know you’re a smart guy,” Thomas didn’tlet him finish. “I know you are. But this is slow even for a snail running dry,just realize it already.”

Newt never felt so scared in his life, sofragile upon hoping in impossible, of Thomas being here, telling him he likedhim back in his own way, and no, it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be happening.Not after all these years and-

“So I had been thinking,” Thomas started once more,and it was so familiar now, and he even stopped, looked at Newt expectantlylike he was challenging him to interrupt him once more, but Newt remained quietas a mouse, drinking Thomas in. “I had been thinking that we should date.”

Newt was happy the world didn’t end just yet.

[wigglebox]

hey can we talk about how jake abel has made queer jokes about midam and even himself, or rob and rich and matt joking about wanting to f*ck jensen and stuff, about kim rhodes being outspoken about queer issues yet not being queer (afaik) despite kim not conforming to gender norms either — and then can i ask how we continue to be okay with that right now yet gatekeep misha and say he was misleading us when he never explicitly called himself queer? he’s been outspoken about queer issues, he’s joked about sleeping with jensen, he’s joked about destiel in sexual ways. can someone tell me how we’re not burning everyone else at the stake over doing the same in the past, only him?

this is one of those things that also irks me a little bit the more I think about it in context with all of this.

also, re: cockles related comments from him, and jackles I guess the few times he has made... insinuations...

both men have stated, not hard but kinda just over the years whatever in random little tidbits here and there that they are 'straight'. whatever their definition of straight is. and we continue with the cockles truthing, be it if you think they're romantically, and/or sexually involved, just good buds TM, or whatever. whatever they are.

i feel like, he's got every right to joke around with us about that. it's about him. it's about him and his friend. i feel like if people are tinhatting about them, they're allowed to do what they want with that in the sense of like, leaning into fandom jokes. the tom/bottom discorse I feel like misha's allowed to make those 'heheh' jokes about because it's funny! and it's about him and his friend! the only thing that should matter, in my opinion, in this case of joking is if they're okay with each other making those jokes, and clearly they are.

and when i say jokes i don't mean the nasty malicious haha fuck you gay people jokes i mean 'jensen's the horse' jokes that aren't against us in any way, but they're just little things, and they've established with themselves that they'll allow each other to make those comments about each other and that's what should matter. i feel like in that case, since cockles truthing is about them, and we're assigning things to them, and we're insinuating things, I think they have every right to do with RPS what they want so long as it's not malicious to people and I mean again it's been 14 years, maybe there have been some comments, I know there probably have been, that didn't go over so well but if they didn't, I know misha would have apologized bc that's what he does. foot in mouth disease, someone tells him it's not cool, he takes the foot out and apologizes and learns.

i mean that's a whole lot more than others have done over the years in Hollywood Land so pfft.

but yeah like going back to the point of everyone else making jokes though, like — at cons, in those panels, everyone's having fun. these actors aren't belittling us for this, they're not making fun of us, they're going with the flow. so like where's the line? are they not allowed to do any of this either?

are creation cons just gonna have the vibes of a funeral home from now on? i don't get it.

i just don't get it. no one's being malicious. people are just trying to connect with us, and have fun with us. and if things turn a little sour, or something wrong happens, apologies happen.

it's up to you as an individual to accept it or not, but also as an indivdual you also hve to sit with yourself and wonder 1) why you're not accepting it 2) what are the circumstances that led to this 3) what was the context and what was the apology actually containing.

and i feel like this wholeeeee mess is getting churned and churned in fandom and it's condensing into this hot ball or something and I don't think that's productive. there's no reason for the level of hurt out there right now being thrown to other fans, and there's no reason for the vitriol being thrown at misha just because of this.