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lxndonorris · 4 years ago

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who’s in charge? - Manuel Neuer & Miroslav Klose

Y/N x Manuel Neuer // Miroslav Klose

Theme: Smut (you’ve been warned)

having a threesome with Manuel and Miroslav x

word count: 2210+

You’ve been friends with most of the German national team for a long time now, so it didn’t surprise anyone when you and Manuel started dating officially. In the beginning, you just wanted to see how it goes, but it turned out to be the perfect match. However, you’re now stuck in limbo, not sure if you’re actually a couple or not, and sometimes, it can get really awkward between the two of you, since nobody is ready to risk this relationship by confessing their true emotions.

Today, you’re at Manuel’s place just hanging out with him and another friend of yours, Miroslav. You’re sitting on the sofa, Manuel on your left side and Miroslav on your right side, both of them seemingly interested in getting your whole attention. “Can I tell you how good you look today, Y/N,” Miroslav says, smirking playfully. Blushing slightly, you turn towards him and play with your hair. “Thank you, Miro.” You say, putting your hand onto his lap, stroking his thighs gently.

Manuel raises an eyebrow, looking at you suspiciously before running a hand through his nicely done hair. “Babé. you always look beautiful.” He says, leaning into you, tenderly kissing your neck. You embrace his lips on your skin, his warm breath giving you goosebumps. “Aww. Manu. You’re too cute.” Feeling his hand now running down your body to your waist, you cannot help yourself but nearly give in to his touch completely.

“Guys,” Miroslav says, slightly annoyed crossing his arms in front of his chest. The two of you giggle quickly before separating. “I’m sorry.” You say, straightening your blouse. “I’m not,” Manuel smirks mischievously and you notice them exchanging weird looks with each other. “Well. Anyone else wants a beer?” You say quickly, getting up from the sofa pointing nervously at the kitchen. “Sure, babé,” Manuel says, winking and stroking your thighs gently while Miroslav just nods quietly. “Be right back.” You walk past them, your hands barely brushing over their legs.

While you’re in the kitchen, you can hear them mumbling something underneath their breaths, making you wonder what they could be talking about. You take three bottles of beer out of the fridge and make your way back into the living room, but as soon as you get closer they stop talking. “Thanks:” Miroslav says when you hand them a bottle before you sit down. “My pleasure.” You say, handing Manuel the other bottle, feeling one of his hands instantly on your thighs again, stroking you tenderly.

For a while, you just sit there, everyone taking a sip from their beer not saying another word. Still wondering about what happened earlier, you look at both of them as they’re are avoiding your gaze completely until you raise your voice. “So, what were you talking about earlier?” You say curiously, watching them getting nervous all of the sudden. “Uh, what?” Manuel says, scratching the back of his head. “It was nothing,” Miroslav says, finally meeting your eyes but he looks away shortly after.

“Guys.” You say raising both of your eyebrows, trying desperately to get it out of them. Just then, Manuel turns back to you, biting his own lips. “Look, we were thinking.” He stutters, looking around the room to find the right words to say. “We wanted to ask you if you were okay with a threesome,” Miroslav says quickly, shrugging once he gets a mean look from Manuel. “Dude:” He says in shock, locking his eyes with his.

At first, you’re thrown off by this request, but the longer you think about it, the more you like the idea. They are still looking at each other, trying so hard not to blush even more when you start to smirk playfully. “Sounds good.” You say, both of them flinching at the sounds of your voice. “Really?” Manuel says quietly, his eyes now narrowing slightly “Yeah, I mean, why not?” Miroslav giggles to himself, taking another sip of his beer. “You’re one of a kind.” He says, and you put a hand on both of their thighs. “I know, so, let’s go.”

You get up from the sofa, take one of their hands, and lead them into Manuel’s bedroom, with them muttering something, barely hearable again. Now, you’re standing in front of the huge bed, in between those two muscular men, not sure how to start this right here. “How about you put on a show for me?” You smirk at Manuel before you turn around to see Miroslav already running his hand down his chest.

“I got you.” He says and starts to unbutton his tight shirt slowly, one button at a time until his beautiful chest is nearly completely exposed. You cannot help yourself and stare at his toned body and of course, he notices it right away. “You wanna touch it?” He smirks deviously, slowly walking up to you. Hesitating, you swallow hard before he takes your hand gently and guides it across his chest, his warm skin feeling so good on yours.

“You haven’t seen me.” You can hear Manuel’s voice behind you and as soon you turn around, you see him just taking his shirt off, throwing it into the corner of the room. “God, that’s hot.” You whisper while he starts stroking himself firmly, feeling his muscles tense at his touch. “I know you like that.” He smirks, raising an eyebrow at Miro again, who then hugs you from behind, kissing your neck. “You haven’t seen all of this.” He breathes down your neck, gently rubbing his crotch against your butt, letting you feel his dick getting bigger and bigger.

Moaning softly you try not to give in to him so soon, but you cannot resist the urge to feel him growing bigger with your own hand. Bending forward, you run a hand along your waistline, further down to his pants, stroking him firmly. “You’re a naughty one.” He growls deeply, his lips leaving searing wounds on your skin. As if this wouldn’t be enough, Manuel now closes in as well, putting his hands firmly on your waist and his lips barely brushing over yours.

“Don’t forget about me.” He breathes against your lips before kissing you lovingly. “How do you like me?” Manuel takes your other hand and leads it to his shorts, gently rubbing it across his dick. “Fuck.” You moan weakly, touching both of them at the same time. “Who do you want first.” Miroslav grunts angrily, kissing your neck one last time before separating slowly. “This is a lot.” You say, now only feeling Manuel’s cock bulging into the palm of your hand. “I know.” He growls as he also separates from you.

Slowly regaining your composure, you look at both of them standing there, each of them desiring you badly. You take a step closer to Manuel, placing a hand softly at his cheek, tracing his jawline to his warm lips, his taste still lingering on your tongue. “I hope you’ll enjoy the show.” He smirks slightly, looking at Miroslav over your shoulder. “Don’t be gentle.” Both of them exchanging knowing looks with each other before you turn around to the other guy.

Carefully, you lock eyes with Miro while you walk up to him, unbuttoning your blouse teasingly. He licks his lips and runs a hand through his hair. “Nice choice.” You press a finger on to his lips, shaking your head. “Let me decide.” But before you can say another word, he swirls you around, pinning you against a wall. “Who says that it’s up to you.” He grunts angrily, his hands instantly encompassing your whole body until they find their way into your blouse, feeling your tits sensually.

“You’re not the one in charge here.” He says quietly, one of his hands now running down your chest, unbuttoning your jeans easily. Giggling nervously, you feel his fingers slide into your pants, his thumb rubbing along your clit, causing you to moan softly. Just at the same time, you can hear Manu groan as well and you see him touching himself in the corner of your eye. “Good, you’re good.” You breathe heavily, enjoying his gentle touch on your skin.

“I didn’t even start.” He says, his eyes meeting yours again while he strokes your breasts and your clit. Together, you help each other take your shirt and blouse off and in one swift move, he unhooks your bra, exposing your gorgeous tits. His eyes now inspecting your chest, he licks his lips again. “That’s what I like to see,” Miroslav says, while you start stroking his chest gently, further down to his crotch, feeling his dick bulging even harder than before. “I can feel that.” You smirk, leaning in for another passionate kiss.

For a while, you kiss each other, while you can feel your jeans slide down your legs to your ankles, leaving nothing but your panties behind. “Get on already, I'm hard.” Manuel grunts, his hands deep inside his shorts, still touching himself tightly. “Fuck you,” Miro says, tilting his head slightly before you feel his fingers tugging at your underwear, desperately trying to get rid of them. It doesn’t take long for him to succeed, nearly ripping them off entirely.

“Not so fast.” You smirk and with a sudden rush of adrenaline, you manage to overpower him and push him off of you and onto the bed. At first, he gnashes his teeth, his hands now running down his own chest to his pants, pulling them down completely. You look at Manuel leaning against another wall, licking his own lips multiple times and his hands in his trousers before you turn back to Miro, now lying on top of the bed.

Now, he’s watching you crawl closer towards you, your hands gently brushing over his thighs, his bulging underwear, his chest to his neck. “You’ll enjoy this.” You smirk and slide into his boxers, feeling his dick bulging against your hand. Stroking him for a few seconds, you see his whole body immediately reacting to your touch, every muscle in his body tensing roughly. Quickly, you manage to remove his underwear, his cock now rubbing against your thighs, you let out a low moan.

“Fuck.” Manuel groans loudly as you help Miro slide inside you, both of you groaning breathlessly. You can feel his hands tightly at your ass, holding you in place once you start riding him, starting off slow but increasing the strength and place rapidly. “This is so good.” Miro grunts, his hands cupping your cheeks easily while you feel his cock twitching inside you, making you moan weakly. The tension nearly gets unbearable, with both of you groaning loudly as your bodies move in-sync with each other.

However, before it gets too intense, you can feel Manuel climb on to the bed as well, his hands gently stroking your back. “Let me take it from here.” He smirks, placing gentle kisses all over your back, your neck, and your shoulders. “What about me?” Miro growls loudly, his face tensing even harder. “You know what to do.” He says, his hands now running around your body, stroking your breasts firmly.

“Fine.” Miro groans before you help him slide out of you. Slowly turning around, you’re now facing Manuel, sitting on the bed, naked, his hard dick waiting to penetrate you. Gasping quietly, you cannot help yourself but stare at it for a little while. “I’ve been waiting so long now, let's not waste any more time.” Manuel groans, and simply overpowers you, pinning you to the bed while kissing you wildly.

Still feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of a dick inside you, you groan even louder once Manuel slides into you, filling you completely. “Fuck, you’re so huge.” You say, your voice is more guttural than before. “I know how to handle that, don’t worry.” He smirks deviously and starts thrusting into you, harshly, taking up the pace you had before easily. Unable to keep the pressure up, you turn your face to the side, seeing Miro jerking off to you getting fucked by another man.

While Manuel releases some steam, riding you wildly, Miroslav cums, letting out a deep groan before his hands fall into the sheets of the bed. It doesn’t take long for you to be pushed right over the edge, screaming out in ecstasy, looking back at Manuel, who’s body shudders suddenly as he cums too. The three of you groan together before you can feel the pressure leave your body, once he pulls his cock out of you, dropping to your other side.

All of you, slowly catching their breath, you exchange satisfied looks with both of them, getting closer to Manuel to rest your body on his. “Come here.” He whispers, embracing your body completely, gently stroking your arm. “This was fucking good,” Miro says, his hands now softly stroking his dick again. Giggling, you turn to Manuel, meeting his soft eyes looking at you lovingly. “You think we can be a couple?” You say quietly, trying to not pull any attention to that question. Manuel then leans in and kisses your forehead. “Yes, of course.”

For a few more minutes, you just lay there, talking about how good it felt to have this moment with each other.

#manuel neuer #miroslav klose #manuel neuer imagine #manuel neuer smut #manuel neuer fanfic #manuel neuer fanfiction #manuel neuer one shot #manuel neuer blurb #my writing: manuel neuer #miroslav klose imagine #miroslav klose fanfic #miroslav klose fanfiction #miroslav klose one shot #miroslav klose blurb #miroslav klose smut #my writing: miroslav klose

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deztinywarriors · 5 years ago

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The Linked Charms - Episode 2 (Multi Liverpool players)

#football fanfiction #football imagine #liverpool fc #trent alexander arnold #andrew robertson #mohamed salah #virgil van dijk

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knockknockinginthedark · 3 years ago

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▪▪▪ Dmitriy smiled at the sight of the pair. His brothers were right, they were quite the pair side by side. They were almost stark opposites to each other but...well, opposites attract, right? He bowed his head in greeting as Waverly came out to greet him.

{{"Good day, Mrs. Lithgow. It's a pleasure to meet both of you. I apologize that it has taken so long to get here, it is a rather remote town."}} Dmitriy craned his head back to look up at Sottarfar then. {{"If you wouldn't mind, I'd be fine with talking inside."}}

█"Of course I wouldn't mind, please come in."█

Sottarfar opened the door, holding it open to let his wife and Father Miroslav venture inside. He would follow after them, closing the door behind them. The home was about what you would expect for a farm house - humble, practical and with more homemade comforts than a place like the manor. Sottarfar and his wife were relatively well off for farmers and it showed here in there in small things around the house - but it was obvious any wealth was not really being flaunted.

█"Thank you. My father built it, I've built onto it and my wife's done most of the decorating."█ Sottarfar answered, quietly gesturing to their dining table to offer him a place to sit. █"So how long have you been in town for? What have you been told so far?"█

{{"I arrived yesterday."}} Dmitriy answered as he took a seat at the table, Sottarfar taking a spot in another chair. {{"I learned the basics - I have confirmed at least one vampire bite on an individual and the symptoms match what I've seen in prior cases. I was told that your livestock have been fed on as well."}}

█"Damn bloodsucker's gone after more than my sheep. It was feeding on my wife too."█

{{"Was?"}} Dmitriy turned towards the direction of the kitchen, {{"Mrs. Lithgow, it stopped feeding from you?"}}█▪▪▪

knockknockinginthedark:

▪▪▪ As Dmitriy stepped outside, he found that the weather had not changed in the slightest. Still overcast, still gloomy and with plenty of fog. Now he was even more thankful for the map to help guide his way as he followed the path that would lead him to the farm. No wonder a vampire had remained undetected for so long when the weather preferred to be this way. He knew he was close to the farm when he heard the distinct bawing of sheep and eventually even saw the fluffy creatures in the field.

Sottarfar was fetching fresh water from the well for the troughs when he caught sight of the man coming up the path. He was a incredibly tall man, broad and muscular with fair skin and long black hair currently tied back with a simple ribbon. He dusted off his shirt and pants as he squinted in the direction of the man. At first he thought it was Dvojnik - and he wasn’t too far off with that initial impression. It was the sight of the cassock that really caught his attention.

█"Wav? Honey, that priest is finally here!“█

{{“Good morning. Mr. Lithgow, I presume?”}} Dmitriy called in greeting as he approached, {{“I’m Father Miroslav, I’m investigating the possibility of a vampire presence. I was told you’ve had issues with your livestock.”}}▪▪▪

█ ▌The sheep were up grazing early, enjoying the cool morning dew. And it would seem that the farmers were up early as well. Of course, Sottarfar was already fetching fresh water and making sure the animals were tended to - he was always spoiling them with love and attention and everything they could possibly need.

As the priest approached down the foggy road, Waverly heard her husband call out for her. She was inside the house, standing in the kitchen and poking at the wood stove coals to begin breakfast. But when she heard the announcement, she closed up the cast iron door and wiped her hands on her apron, toddling over to the front door.

▤ “Is he finally? Oh, thank the heavens above. I-I’ll be right there, darling.”

Before long, both Sottarfar and his wife were standing there to greet the priest. Waverly smiled at him as he approached - gosh, he looked so much like Dvojnik, she thought. Compared to her very tall, very muscular husband, Waverly was tiny in stature but looked strong for her size, with a stout body and plenty of meat on her bones. On top of it all, she appeared more than just a little bit pregnant, a hand resting on her belly as she stepped outside and was immediately greeted by one of the outdoor cats who chose to rub up against her ankles.

▤ “Good morning, Father.” She stood next to Sottarfar, putting a hand on his back gently. “Would you two like to talk inside? I was just about to start b-b…breakfast. I picked fresh berries this morning~”

#exploringxshadows #v: ReVerse

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racingtoaredlight · 3 years ago

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Beans & Toast: Interrogation

“Oi Beansy, they’re ready for ya.”

This wasn’t going to end well for the blond man.

***

If there was any member of the hastily assembled crew that worried both Preston and Connie, it was Goose. It wasn’t his skills that left a concerned thought lingering in their minds, and it wasn’t his reliability. It was his personality.

Left for adoption immediately by his prostitute mother and minor Albanian mobster father, Miroslav Radjac, Goose seemingly hit the jackpot when he was adopted by a childless family from the Philadelphia Main Line. Given the best education opportunities, a foot in any door he wanted, and yet, as he got older, all of that seemed to care less and less.

His issues were addressed from an early age. A team of doctors was employed to make sure that Goose made the most of his fortune, each one quitting for one reason or another. His IQ at six years old was a preposterous 160. But there was psychological damage that was almost too deep to treat.

At seven years old, Goose’s eight grade teacher (he was well ahead of his peers academically) one day reached out to his adoptive parents expressing admiration for asking what the chemical compound of the class turtle’s plastic terrarium was. The next day, he was expelled when the teacher found the terrarium full of bloodied sulfuric acid, realizing the intent behind the previous day’s question. His ever-present smirk was what most unnerved her.

It wasn’t long before the military came knocking.

***

“How long do you think they will take to realize our little misdirection?”

She had been thinking about this all night, ever since she proposed the idea to her uncle. It was risky, yes. They were well accustomed to dealing with the surveillance and investigation into their plan, but with their disciplined nonchalance, their operation was viewed as more conspiracy theory than anything actionable.

The way she saw it, if they were in Cape Town already, they knew something was going down. Passively pretending like this wasn’t happening wasn’t going to be enough anymore. They needed some distance between themselves.

Whenever she wore this sweatshirt, she thought about what her life might have been like had she actually used that medical degree from Stanford instead of working under her uncle’s wing. Then she looked down at the one-of-a-kind Cartier Ballon Bleu around her wrist and realized why she was staying in this mid-tier Cape Town hotel for three days.

Though, truth be told, she considered her uncle’s residence to be mid-tier as well. Spiez Castle, Schleez Castle. None of that stuff mattered to her. As far as she was concerned, she could get money anywhere, any way, anyhow. What her uncle gave her was invaluable. Power and access.

“Long enough.”

***

“MOVE YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!”

As Preston listens to his daughter express concerns about Goose, he thinks back to first meeting him while flying choppers for JSOC in Somalia. It was one of his last official missions...he smirks to himself thinking 1993 didn’t seem that long ago...and remembers picking up this wiry sniper trying to evac from a bombed out hotel. This guy looks like he’s having the time of his life.

Three of the four members of the DEVGRU sniper team all hop in, the whistling sound of bullets audible even in the cockpit. The team leader, screams orders at Preston before realizing one of the team is still outside, gleefully shooting precision-fired rounds at the oncoming Mogadishans with his bolt-action Remington 700 rifle.

Even as he’s hauled into the chopper, this guy was still shooting, still seemingly having the time of his life. Given the severity of the situation, none withstanding the critically injured team member onboard, this wasn’t exactly an ice cream social. They land at base, file into the debriefing room. The guy walks up to Preston with that same goofy expression on his face.

“Hey man, do you like motorcycles?”

***

“Well old chap, if he doesn’t have any salient information, it appears that our business is complete,” Donkey Kong laments, as he snubs out the Benson and Hedges cigarette he had taken a scant few puffs of. Beans’ silence indicated he agreed.

They all knew he was a pro’s pro. Getting anything out of the blond man was going to be a chore, if there was anything to get in the first place, that is. This was tiresome.

He and Kong had better things to do with their time, that was for certain. Beans wasn’t a sadistic man. The thought of torture for no reason appalled him, but at the same time, he knew the rules of the game. There were no innocents in this line of work.

The blond man was beaten, bloodied, near drowned, stripped naked, and in any shape but good. Despite that, there wasn’t a single waver. If he was committed until the end, the end is what he’ll find. He swore, spat, stomped, and the more pressure they applied, the more biting his laughs became.

Kong and Beans head for the door. Goose stays.

***

As Kong and Beans leave the interrogation room, Goose jumps to his feet, full of energy despite the interrogation’s slog. He grabs a tall lamp from the corner of the room, drags it until the plug pops out of the socket, and then whistles as he goes to his bag for an extentsion cord. The cord now fixed in place, he positions the light directly behind the blond man’s chair.

The blond man’s tenor changes immediately. No longer defiant, no longer insouciant, concern drips off of every breath. He makes desperate pleas to know what this smiling man is doing. Not a single word comes in response.

Goose walks in front of the prisoner, stoops down and unlocks his restraints. This seeming act of kindness only unnerves the blond man more. Stand up, please. It was the “please” that terrified him the most.

The blond man struggles to stand. It wasn’t just the beating he endured that made it difficult, but the fact that Goose hadn’t unlocked the restraints around his wrists. The best he could manage was this strange arching of his back.

Goose, the smile still present on his face, gets out his knife and cuts a hole in the seat of the cheap plastic chair the blond man was still restrained to. Anxiety turns to full-blown panic. Sit down, please. As Goose walks to the light switch, the blond man’s façade cracks.

“Listen mate, Oi dunno wot you’re doing, but Oi’ve told you everything Oi know! Oi sweah!”

The room now pitched in black brings the blond man’s terror to the brink. The silence after his plea made it seem like it was swallowed by the darkness. The few moments seem like an eternity when the blond man can sense Goose walking around him. The lamp flicks on.

I don’t care.

***

TO BE CONTINUED

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news-monda · 4 years ago

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deztinywarriors · 6 years ago

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Miroslav just smiled as he took some bite of fish flesh which they're so fresh even sometimes he tried to stop thinking of eating them raw. He hoped that would be the first and last time to have it "It's fine. Once we get done with this meal time, I cant wait to dice underwater to take some pictures of fishes and coral reefs"

“Hah! I have no idea! Last human I gave fish to was… err… Halu doesn’t know. Loooong time ago. Sure is fine though!” He held his own fish in his hands, Sinking his teeth in. For such a jolly and friendly creature he seemed a tad vicious tearing into the fish as he did. Halu looked up from his meal, directly at Miroslav, and grinned. What most people forgot about him tended to be that he was still quite feral compared to a normal sapient mind.

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deztinywarriors · 5 years ago

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The Linked Charms - Episode 36 (Multi Liverpool players)

#Football fanfiction #Trent Alexander Arnold #Andy Robertson #Mohamed Salah #Virgil van Dijk #football imagine

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seniorbrief · 6 years ago

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The Best Health Resolutions for Every Month of the Year

Everyday Wellness

Lindsay TigarDec 14

Seeking more energy, better commitment to fitness and smarter eating habits for your next lap around the sun? Here are mini resolutions that are way more impactful than say, vowing to drop 20 pounds before spring.

Why thinking small works

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Instead of declaring a sweeping resolution that—let’s be honest, you’ll probably forget about in February—making micro monthly goals can be more effective. “Attempting to improve your health is much easier when you take small steps towards wellness, one step at a time, one bite at a time,” explains Patricia Greenberg, a health and nutrition expert and author. “Jumping in too quickly often results in disappointing progress or, worse, an injury because you are hoping for a quick fix or an unattainable goal.”

To make a true commitment to your health and transform your lifestyle in a long-term, meaningful way, try manageable tweaks. “Starting today, set small, easy-to-complete goals for yourself, and you’ll see over time how you can add a little more each day to get to where you want to be. Eventually these will become your habit,” she explains. Here, your month-by-month guide to better health in 2019.

January: Makeover your pantry

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You made it to the gym after a stressful planning meeting at work and you somehow managed to drink four full glasses of water throughout the day. You’re on the right track, but then it’s suddenly 10 p.m. and you’re staring down that box of Girl Scout cookies in your cabinet, wondering if one bite will make that much of a difference. The solution: a top-to-bottom pantry makeover so you never get in that position in the first place. “The physical action of changing over a pantry is very satisfying, and it’s step one when thinking of small achievable goals,” says Maya Feller, RD. Swap out those processed salty and sugary foods (Bye-bye, potato chips!) for minimally processed whole foods (Hello, raw nuts, quinoa, and dried fruit!). If you do want to keep an indulgent treat or two, place it on a high shelf that you don’t use regularly, so it’s not the first thing you see when you open the cupboard in search of something to eat. “We know when smart food choices are accessible and convenient, people are more likely to make healthful balanced meals.”

February: Get your heart racing

Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

Celebrate Heart Health Month by focusing on cardio, suggests Joseph Young, MD, hypertension lead and researcher at Kaiser Permanente. Because this essential organ is paramount to your vitality and longevity, keeping it in tip-top shape will improve your energy levels and help build endurance. “It’s as simple as walking outdoors or indoors at a shopping mall,” he says. “Regular, moderate physical activity, or walking 30 minutes a day, five times a week, helps lower blood pressure because exercise helps the heart work more efficiently. Pick something you enjoy and make it a habit.” Here are 12 more resolutions that can help you live longer.

Original Source -> The Best Health Resolutions for Every Month of the Year

source https://www.seniorbrief.com/the-best-health-resolutions-for-every-month-of-the-year/

#seniorbrief #seniors

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jorgemiroslavjarasalas · 6 years ago

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Jorge Miroslav Jara Salas: Vinoptima: Too Much of a Good Thing

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10.19.2018

There’s no doubt that wine is romantic, and that this romance inspires and motivates consumers and producers alike, especially in the new world, where wine as a profession and wine as a beverage are adopted, rather than hereditary. The popular discourse of wine remains so littered with near-mythical stories of people following their passions to create great wines and great wineries, that we all too easily forget that basic principles of economics always apply. No amount of passion can compensate for wine that consumers just don’t want to buy, or that a winery owner can��t figure out how to sell (as they are different but often related problems).

All of that, by way of introduction to a winery named Vinoptima, in the out-of-the-way wine growing region of Gisborne, on New Zealand’s North Island. Started by wine industry veteran Nick Nobilo in 2000, Vinoptima may be one of the world’s most unique wineries, given its dedication to a single grape variety. Now, there are wineries around the world who make only Cabernet. Some who make only Riesling. But as far as I know, Vinoptima is the only winery dedicated solely to Gewürztraminer.

Nobilo, you see, has something of an obsession with the grape, which began as far back as 1972, when he planted the very first vines of the variety in New Zealand. After working with it for three decades (and falling deeper in love with it in every passing vintage) Nobilo established Vinoptima in 2000 with the planting of a block of Gewürtztraminer in Gisborne, which he harvested in 2003 for the winery’s first vintage.

Gewürtztraminer is a grape made famous in the Alsace region in France, which has somewhere around one third of the roughly 20,000 acres that are planted around the world. The grape is of ancient origin, and is actually one of three primary variants of Savagnin, which is a genetic parent to many, many modern grape varieties, not least of which are Chenin Blanc, Sauvignon Blanc (and therefore Cabernet Sauvignon), Trousseau, Grüner Veltliner and Verdelho, among others.

The other main regions producing Gewürtztraminer (also known in places as Tramin, Traminer, or Savagnin Rose) include the United States, Italy, Germany, Australia, and Hungary. It is one of the most distinctively aromatic grape varieties on the planet, with an unmistakable, often heady perfume of lychees, rose petals, and orange blossom water. The grape also has a natural bitterness, and is therefore often made with a bit of residual sugar to offset this bite. Made well, which in my book usually involves maintaining the often elusive acidity it may possess, Gewürtztraminer can be mind-bendingly aromatic and incredibly complex. The best dessert-style wines made with the grape (n.b. Domaine Weinbach in Alsace) are ambrosia-like and otherworldly.

At Vinoptima, Nobilo farms about 20 acres of the grape in the township of Ormond just north of Gisborne, and produces several styles of Gewürtztraminer, from off-dry to a deeply sweet botrytized version, in his immaculate winery that he says is “custom designed from scratch to be run by just two men.” His modest goal? “To make the world’s best Gewürztraminer.”

I’m not sure he would ever be able to reach the heights to which the grape has been elevated in Alsace over the centuries, but the wines have consistently won awards and received scores in the 90-point range from critics (my own tasting notes on a number of vintages follow below.)

But there’s just one problem.

“No one wants to buy Gewürztraminer,” said Nobilo, when I visited him in 2017. “Not even the people who used to drink it all the time,” he continued.

When I met with him, the congenial, ruddy-cheeked and white-haired Nobilo struck me as a man who had done reasonably well for himself after five decades in the wine industry. I privately speculated that his was a passion project that could potentially weather the lack of demand for some time.

But one unavoidable truth of the wine industry is that unsold wine gradually becomes a serious problem. And so it seems to have become for Vinoptima. I read with some sadness this week that with 100,000 liters of unsold wines in vats (roughly two vintages worth), Vinoptima has gone into receivership, which is what passes for bankruptcy in New Zealand.

It’s a sad ending for a project begun and maintained with such singular passion, and a cautionary tale for those who believe that merely making excellent wine is the key to success in the wine industry.

Here are my notes on several of Nobilo’s vintages.

2004 Vinoptima Gewürtztraminer, Gisborne, New Zealand Light yellow gold in color, this wine smells of orange blossom and lychee and honey. In the mouth, lightly sweet flavors of orange peel, lychee, and honey have a slightly spicy aspect, coating the palate and lingering with butterscotch notes in the finish. Has 20 grams per liter of residual sugar but finishes fairly dry. Moderate acidity. 14.5% alcohol. Score: around 9. Cost: $100. click to buy.

2006 Vinoptima Gewürtztraminer, Gisborne, New Zealand Medium gold in the glass, this wine smells of orange peel and rose petals. In the mouth, weighty, silky flavors of orange peel and rose petals and honey with hints of lychee and a touch of lemongrass lingering in the finish. Despite moderate sweetness up front, the sugar doesn’t linger on the palate. 13.5% alcohol. 18 grams per liter residual sugar. Score: between 8.5 and 9.

2008 Vinoptima Gewürtztraminer, Gisborne, New Zealand Medium gold in color, this wine smells of orange blossom water and lychee. In the mouth, strong lychee fruit mixes with orange peel and pomelo pith, lingering slightly bitter on the palate, along with a striking wet chalkboard kind of minerality. The wine starts off sweet, but doesn’t coat the palate. 14% alcohol. 15 grams per liter of residual sugar. Score: around 9.

2010 Vinoptima Gewürtztraminer, Gisborne, New Zealand Light yellow gold in color, this wine smells of exotic flowers like tuberose and orange blossom. In the mouth, lithe flavors of pomelo and mandarine orange mix with lychee and very pretty minerality. Only faintly sweet, the wine has a wonderful wet chalkboard finish scented with lychee. 13.5% 13 grams per liter of residual sugar. Score: between 9 and 9.5. Cost: $70. click to buy.

2007 Vinoptima “Noble” Gewürtztraminer, Gisborne, New Zealand Light to medium amber in color, this wine smells of a touch of chamomile flower, candied orange peels, honey, and dried apricots. In the mouth, silky, thick, very sweet flavors of apricot and butterscotch and tinned peaches still have a slight grip on the palate and a remarkable wet chalkboard character that emerges on the finish that leaves the mouth feeling rather cool and refreshed, instead of coated with sugar. Quite pretty. Not picked until the middle of June, when the select rows of grapes are fully botrytized with noble rot. 110 grams per liter of residual sugar, 11% alcohol. Score: around 9.5.

Posted by: Alder on October 19, 2018 8:28 PM

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mrmichaelchadler · 7 years ago

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Milos Forman: 1932-2018

Milos Forman, the Czech-born filmmaker who helped revolutionize cinema in his home country before moving to America and becoming one of its most celebrated directors as well, has died. The man behind such celebrated films as “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” (1975) and “Amadeus” (1984), both of which won Oscars for Best Picture and earned him prizes for Best Director, passed away from what was described as a short illness at the age of 86 at his home in Connecticut. Mixing together surreal humor, documentary techniques and an interesting blend of cynicism and affection, Forman helped put Czech cinema on the map. When he applied those same techniques to the projects produced in his adopted country, the result was some of the most incisive, knowing and most profoundly American films of his era.

He was born Jan Tomas Forman on February 18, 1932 in Caslav, Czechoslovakia. Both of his parents were killed at Auschwitz and he spent a large portion of his childhood in a boarding school for war orphans. (After the war, he would learn that his actual biological father had survived the way.) Having at one point thought to become a theatrical producer, Forman enrolled in the newly established Film Institute at the University of Prague in the early 1950s, a period that saw him working alongside such future names as director Ivan Passer and cinematographer Miroslav Ondricek (who would work with Forman on a number of films both in Czechoslovakia and America). After graduating, he began making short documentaries and first got some notice for “Audition” (1963), a film intertwining brass bands rehearsing for a contest and young people preparing for a theater audition.

In the early '60s, the Czech government began a series of cultural reforms aimed at easing controls over what artists could say and do in their work. Forman took full advantage of this by creating a series of films, beginning with “Black Peter” (1964), which commented on the lives of ordinary people with a filmmaking that combined a documentary-like style (including the use of improvisation and non-professional actors) with a biting and deeply anti-establishment sense of humor. His first great success was “Loves of a Blonde” (1965), which followed the story of a small town woman working at a shoe factory who shares a night with a soldier that she meets at a dance and then follows to Prague in the hopes of a longer-lasting relationship. The movie was a success around the world, earned an Oscar nomination for Best Foreign Language Film and helped launch the Czech New Wave.

Forman's follow-up, “The Fireman’s Ball” (1967, pictured above), was even better—a brilliant satire of the Communist state in which a volunteer fire department attempts to throw a party for their one-time boss on his birthday with disastrous results. Although it hits its satiric targets with pinpoint accuracy, it is never cruel towards its characters and indeed, there is a certain sweetness and sympathy to Forman’s approach that prevents it from degenerating into a mere screed. While “The Fireman’s Ball” was another international success and received an Oscar nomination for Best Foreign Language Film, politicians in Czechoslovakia were not amused by the film and it would go on to be banned in the wake of the Soviet invasion of 1968. At that time, Forman happened to be in Paris in negotiations for his first U.S. production and after realizing that the artistic freedoms that he once had were no more, he elected to emigrate to America.

His first U.S. film, “Taking Off” (1971) was an extension of his Czech films, a counter-culture comedy about the generation gap centered on a middle-aged couple (Buck Henry and Lynn Carlin) whose search for their runaway daughter leads to hilarious efforts to understand both their child and themselves. Although not quite as funny as his previous efforts—and more than a little dated when seen today—it is an interesting attempt to transplant his style into an American context and he once again demonstrates a surprising degree of affection towards characters that others might have looked at only as a source of scorn and ridicule. While it good reviews, “Taking Off” was not a financial success. One person who did take notice of it, however, was actor Michael Douglas. For years, his father, Kirk, had owned the rights to Ken Kesey’s famous counter-cultural novel “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and had struggled to make a film of it. After his father passed the rights on to him, he made a new effort to get the film made and felt that Forman’s humorous yet humane directorial voice was the right one to capture the book’s tricky tone.

At this point I must confess that as a film, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” has always left me somewhat cold. This is not to say that it is not a well-made film containing excellent performances from Jack Nicholson as Randall P. McMurphy, a rebellious criminal faking insanity in the hopes of serving time in a mental ward instead of prison, Louise Fletcher as Nurse Ratched, the autocratic head nurse that he bumps heads with and a supporting cast including such then-unknowns as Danny DeVito, Brad Dourif, Will Sampson and Christopher Lloyd. That said, the film went on to become a smash hit around the world, becoming the only the second of three films to date to win the top five Oscars (Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay) and is regularly enshrined in lists of the greatest American films of all time.

In a position where he could pretty much make any film that he wanted to as a follow-up, Forman raised eyebrows when it was announced that his next project would be a film version of the hit off-Broadway musical “Hair” (1979). In making a film of this particular show, Forman would be facing a number of unavoidable hurdles—the stage version was not exactly strong on narrative and the immediacy that it had for audiences during its initial stage run would inevitably be lost and transform any film version into a period piece. In bringing it to the screen, Forman and screenwriter Michael Weller made a number of significant changes that strengthened the story, in which a young man from Oklahoma (John Savage) visiting New York City for a couple of days before reporting for military duty falls in with a group of hippies led by the charismatic Berger (Treat Williams), while changing or omitting some of the songs. How one feels about the film depends largely on their feelings towards the original show. Many who loved it on stage felt that Forman missed the essence of the show and transformed it into a garishly overproduced dud that lacked any real connection to either the show or the movement that inspired it. On the other hand, while the film is undeniably uneven, Forman does indeed show some affinity for the counter-culture, no doubt inspired by his own youth living in an oppressive regime, and he presents the big musical numbers with a bold exuberance that extends far beyond the period trappings.

For his next film, Forman signed on for another adaptation of a deeply American story that many felt simply could not be adequately brought to the screen. This was “Ragtime” (1981), the film version of E.L. Doctorow’s 1975 historical novel that weaved together a number of plot threads that mixed real and fictional characters together to create a panoramic view of life in New York City in the early years of the 20th century. For many observers, the only person who could possibly turn it into a film was Robert Altman, who was actually scheduled to do it until he was fired by producer Dino De Laurentis. Rather than try to juggle all the storylines, Forman, reuniting with Michael Weller, chose to focus on one key story—the tale of Coalhouse Walker Jr. (Howard Rollins Jr.), a piano player who is radicalized when the men working under a racist fire chief deliberately destroy his car and his attempts to seek justice are rebuffed—while reducing the others to bits and pieces in the background or eliminating them entirely.

The reaction to this film was mixed—it got good but not great reviews, it received eight Oscar nominations but no actual awards and it proved to be a non-starter at the box-office, at least in part because it had the misfortune to open at the same time as such other high-profile period pieces as “Chariots of Fire” and “Reds” and got lost in the shuffle. And yet, if I had to name one Forman film as my favorite, “Ragtime” might well be the one. Although it necessarily lacks the scope of the original novel, Forman nevertheless manages to distill the feel of the book into a narrative that allows him to fully explore, embrace and excoriate his new home in all of its aspects, good and bad. His recreation of turn-of-the-century New York is exquisite without being overwhelming and the score by Randy Newman is a thing of beauty. He also gets strong work from a massive cast that includes everyone from then-newcomers like Rollins, Elizabeth McGovern and Mandy Patinkin to legends like Donald O’Connor, Pat O’Brien and James Cagney, who came out of a 20-year retirement to portray the police commissioner desperately trying to bring the situation to a close. Largely forgotten today, this film is a genuine treasure and one that is ripe for rediscovery.

Forman had more success with his next project, the screen version of “Amadeus” (1984), his adaptation of the Peter Shaffer play that he had been enamored with after being invited to see what proved to be its first public preview. On paper, the story of Antonio Salieri (F. Murray Abraham), the technically proficient and duly celebrated Italian composer and member of the court of Emperor Joseph II, and the jealous rage that he develops towards Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Tom Hulce), a younger and far less refined rival who he recognizes as having been touched with the kind of genuine artistic genius that he himself has been denied, sounds like a dull bit of Oscar bait featuring a bunch of actors capering about in an array of elaborate wigs and costumes. Instead, Forman, who wound up filming most of it in Czechoslovakia, found the heart of the material—that Salieri is less a villain than a tragic figure in the way he is forced to recognize his own mediocrity in comparison to Mozart—and presented in a direct and straightforward manner that made it accessible to audiences of all stripes. The result was a worldwide hit that put Mozart back on the album charts, earned a slew of awards that included eight Oscars, including Best Director, Best Actor for Abraham (Hulce was one of his competitors in the category) and Best Picture, and is now considered to be one of the all-time great films.

His next film, “Valmont” (1989), was an adaptation of Choderlos de Laclos’s famous 1782 novel Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Unfortunately, his retelling of the story of a scheming widow (Annette Being) who bets her caddish lover (Colin Firth) that he cannot seduce a recently married and exceedingly virtuous woman (Meg Tilly) landed in theaters a few months after another version of the story, the hit 1988 film "Dangerous Liaisons." While Forman's version did deviate from both that film and the book in some key instances, it quickly disappeared from theaters. And though “Dangerous Liaisons” is definitely the better film, Forman’s take is not without interest as well, thanks to its more direct approach to the material, the sumptuous production design and a performance by Bening.

For his next film, “The People Vs. Larry Flynt” (1996), Forman took one of the more potentially dubious cinematic concepts imaginable—a biopic of the controversial pornographer that chronicled his struggles with both the law and the religious right. Aided by a fantastic script by Larry Karaszewski & Scott Alexander and great performances by Woody Harrelson as Flynt, Edward Norton as his harried lawyer and rocker Courtney Love as his doomed love, Forman transformed it into a genuinely heartfelt celebration of the First Amendment and the right to free speech. It's a film that could have perhaps only been made by someone who knew what it was like to live in a world where such rights were not always a given. Controversial upon its release and not especially successful at the box office, it won the Golden Bear at the Berlin Film Festival and earned Forman his third and final Oscar nomination.

1999's “Man on the Moon” found Forman offering viewers another examination of American culture as seen through the eyes of one of its most unusual practitioners, surreal comedian Andy Kaufman. Working once again from a screenplay by Karaszewski & Alexander, Forman clearly sees Kaufman as a riff on Mozart, a genius whose artistic brilliance was largely misunderstood in its day, except only in its broadest and most obvious applications (such as his immaculate Elvis impression and his work as the adorable Latka on “Taxi”), and is still fresh, vital and controversial today. The film essentially winds up becoming a collection of bits that don’t quite add up, but those bits are entertaining enough to watch thanks to Jim Carrey’s incredible and eerily convincing transformation into Kaufman (not to mention alter ego Tony Clifton) and Forman’s obvious affection for Kaufman himself. (Be sure to check out “Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond,” a 2017 Netflix documentary that chronicles the behind-the-scenes chaos that went into the making of “Man on the Moon” that offers glimpses of Forman at work and trying to deal with his beyond-Method star.)

Forman's last movie was “Goya’s Ghosts” (2006), a not-entirely-successful historical drama involving painter Francisco Goya (Stellan Skarsgard) and his attempts to save a young woman (Natalie Portman) from the clutches of the Spanish Inquisition when she is arrested for heresy. There were other film projects over the years that were announced but never came to fruition but Forman always had something to do even when not working on his own projects. He was named a professor emeritus of film at Columbia University. In 1994, he published his autobiography, Turnaround, and it is a must-read for anyone interested in his career. He appeared before the camera in small roles in “Heartburn” (1986) and “Keeping the Faith” (2000) and there were also the usual array of accolades from around the world celebrating his life and work. Needless to say, Forman deserved all of them and many more for his artistic contributions to the country that he made his home. As anyone who watches his films can readily attest, we were lucky to have him.

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deztinywarriors · 5 years ago

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The Linked Charms - Episode 5 (Multi Liverpool players)

#Football fanfiction #Trent Alexander Arnold #Andrew Robertson #Mohamed Salah #Virgil van Dijk #Liverpool FC #football imagine

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flauntpage · 8 years ago

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Down Goes Brown Grab Bag: Trash Talking, Boring Senators and Cookie Phil

Welcome to Sean McIndoe's weekly grab bag, where he writes on a variety of NHL topics. You can follow him on Twitter. Check out the Biscuits podcast with Sean and Dave Lozo as they discuss the events of the week.

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Team Italy scores a goal at the World Championships—Um, guys? I don't think you're hockeying correctly.

The second star: Jared Boll is laughing with you, not at you—The Predators ended up getting the last laugh in game three, but Boll's reaction to seeing his team take the lead after he drew an instigator penalty was…interesting.

The first star: David Poile would like you to stop playing X-Man—Be sure to stick around for the update.

Outrage of the week

The issue: Ryan Johansen called out Ryan Kesler after game two, accusing the Ducks' agitator of dirty play, saying that "it sucks when you have to pull a stick out of your groin after every shift," and adding that Kesler's "family and friends watching him play, I don't know how you cheer for a guy like that." The outrage: He's not wrong. But he's not supposed to say it. Is it justified: This is the kind of thing that we typically see a few times every postseason. Things happen on the ice, tensions run high, and eventually the unthinkable happens: Somebody actually says something interesting.

At that point, everyone falls into one of two camps. The first is the old school, where you're shocked and offended that anyone would say anything ever. This is the side that believes that if you have a problem, you deal with it on the ice. A small handful of guys, like Jonathan Toews and Jaromir Jagr, have been given a hall pass to occasionally express an opinion, but everyone else is expected to stay down and stay quiet.

The other side thinks that guys like Johansen speaking their minds is great. Athletes in every other sports do it, and when they do it inevitably it sparks more interest among fans. Surely the hockey world, with its notoriously boring personalities and cliched sound bites, could use a little more post-game bad blood.

The problem with Johansen's mini-rant is that it landed pretty much right in the middle of the two sides. He said something beyond "get pucks in deep", so the old-timers are mad at him. But as far as trash talk attempts go, this one didn't really land. The bit about family and friends was a nice touch, but other than that, the whole thing sounded a lot more like a guy whining about not getting the calls than anything else.

The fact that Johansen said so little and still drew the ire of the traditionalists is pretty much all you need to know as to why we so rarely hear players say anything at all. If we're going to have this argument every few weeks, here's hoping the next guy to speak up actually goes full pipe bomb and makes it worth our while.

Obscure former player of the week

With the Vegas Golden Knights expansion draft just a few weeks away, it's fitting that we're being treated to a Western Conference final that features two relatively new teams in the Predators and Ducks. So today, let's bestow obscure player honors on a player that links those two teams and their expansion histories: Russian goaltender Mikhail Shtalenkov.

Shtalenkov became an international name in 1992, when he was the starting goalie on the gold-medal winning Unified Team at the Olympics. He was picked by the (then) Mighty Ducks a year later in the fifth round of their first ever entry draft, a few spots ahead of future all-star Miroslav Satan. Already 27 years old when he was drafted, he made his NHL debut that season, playing ten games for the Ducks. He'd see part-time duty with the team for the next four years, playing a career-high 40 games in 1997-98. He went back to the Olympics in 1998, winning silver as Russia's starter.

That same year, the NHL welcomed its 27th team when the Predators were born. Nashville took five goalies in that year's expansion draft, including Mike Richter (yes, really), and future starter Tomas Vokoun. They also took Shtalenkov, making him the first ever link between the Predators and Ducks.

Sadly, Shtalenkov wouldn't get to work on his Hockey Tonking, as he never played a game in Nashville. He was part of a five-player deal with the Oilers, where he'd share starting duties with Bob Essensa before another trade to Phoenix. He'd last 15 games as a Coyote before another trade, this time to Florida for Sean Burke. At the end of the 1999-2000 season, he headed back to Russia to finish his pro career.

Shtalenkov later went into coaching. A few years ago, he was briefly part of a weird news story in which he was apparently reported missing by his wife, but later turned out to be fine.

Debating the issues

This week's debate: The Ottawa Senators are two wins away from the Stanley Cup final. But are they a boring team?

In favor: Good lord, yes. Game one on Saturday was nearly unwatchable. Game two was only marginally better. Off the ice they make for a great story, but when it's time to play the games this team can be tear-your-eyes out dull.

Opposed: Well, hold on. You're just cherry-picking a few bad games. They sure weren't boring when they went out and blew the doors off the Penguins in the first period on Wednesday. And what about that 6-5 OT thriller against the Rangers? The Senators aren't boring all the time.

In favor: Sure, but "not boring all the time" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. So sure, congratulations on having played one entertaining period in the first three games of the series. You're still boring.

Opposed: But there's more to an entertaining game than goals. Just about all of Ottawa's games during this run have been close, with seven of them going to overtime. Not to go all hockey hipster on you, but I'll take a tight 2-1 game over a sloppy 7-3 one any time. And besides, even if they are dull, who cares? They're winning. Like Bobby Ryan said earlier this week, "ratings be damned".

In favor: And he's right, from Ottawa's perspective. Nobody is blaming them for playing a system that works. This league has spent 20 years watching this style take over the game and never does anything about it, so good for the Senators if they can exploit that. They're even starting to embrace the whole "boring" thing, which is sort of cool. But none of that means that the rest of us want to watch.

Opposed: That's fair. But still, any team that has Erik Karlsson can't be all…

Senators fan: EXCUSE ME BUT I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT MY TEAM SO I AM HERE TO YELL ABOUT THAT.

In favor: Whoa.

Opposed: Hey man, can you turn the volume down a little bit?

Senators fan: NO SIR I CANNOT AS OTTAWA FANS ARE VERY SCREECHY RIGHT NOW.

In favor: Yeah, we've all noticed. But do you really have to interrupt us in the middle of…

Senators fan: YOU HAVE SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT THE SENATORS AND I AM HERE TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM ABOUT IT.

Opposed: I'm not sure we even said anything all that bad.

In favor: Yeah, we all acknowledge they're a good team on a great Cinderella run. It's just that they're kind of boring sometimes, and most fans seem to prefer…

Senators fan: LEAVE MY WONDERFUL PERFECT TEAM ALONE OR I WILL HAVE TO FIGHT YOU.

Opposed: Dude, chill out. Your team is in the conference final. People are going to talk about them. You guys are going to need to be able to handle some occasional criticism.

In favor: Yeah, seriously. You Senator fans have generally been pretty cool over the years, but during this playoff run you've all gone super-sensitive about every little thing and it's getting kind of weird.

Opposed: Maybe just take a few deep breaths and see if that…

Senators fan: THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS HAVEN'T WON A STANLEY CUP SINCE 1967.

Opposed: Yes but… wait, what does that have to do with anything?

Senators fan: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT NO SENATORS FAN CAN GO MORE THAN FIVE SENTENCES WITHOUT MENTIONING IT OR WE DIE.

In favor: I always wondered what was up with that.

Senators fan: IF YOU DIDN'T VOTE ERIK KARLSSON FOR THE HART TROPHY YOU HATE PUPPIES.

Opposed: That's not true.

Senators fan: WE ARE CANADA'S TEAM NOW AND EVERYONE MUST LIKE US. THE PRIME MINISTER MADE A LAW.

In favor: That isn't how things work.

Senators fan: CHRIS NEIL FOR CONN SMYTHE. BOB COLE IS MEAN AND BAD. ALFIE DIDN'T MEAN TO SHOOT THAT PUCK AT NIEDERMAYER.

Opposed: Yeah, sure, we get it, but it's… wait, that was five sentences without bringing up the Leafs for no reason.

Senators fan: I… WAIT… I LOST COUNT AND … [explodes into fine mist, spraying stale Beaver Tail shrapnel everywhere]

Opposed: You have to admit, that last part was kind of exciting.

In favor: It really was.

The final verdict: This entire section is all Toronto's fault somehow.

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Hey, speaking of the Maple Leafs…

One of the running themes of the Senators/Penguins series has been the budding rivalry between Phil Kessel and Dion Phaneuf, who mixed it up several times on Wednesday night. This is, of course, not the first time their paths have crossed. The two were the building blocks for Brian Burke's stint as GM in Toronto, and came to symbolize all the good and bad of that particular era. Eventually, both were traded away. But for several years, they were easily the two best known Toronto Maple Leafs in the world.

So today, let's travel back five years to watch as the two stars share a light-hearted bonding moment between teammates.

It's January 2012, and the NHL is in Ottawa for all-star weekend. Phaneuf and Kessel have both made the team, so they're in town to do a little pre-game promotion work. Standard stuff. I'm sure it will be fun.

Phaneuf is doing a sit-down, and our clip begins when he somehow hears Kessel approaching behind him. You're expecting me to make some sort of lazy "Phil Kessel is so fat you can hear him walking" joke, but I'm above that. There will be no weak and tired Kessel conditioning punchlines here.

"Oh, he's eating a cookie!" Um, OK, maybe Phaneuf didn't get the no-conditioning-jokes memo.

Phaneuf invites Kessel to join him for the interview, dropping a "You just interrupted it" in the process. Did that seem a little angry to you? It did to me. That Phaneuf is such a card, when he decides to playfully tease a teammate he really commits to the character.

"We better get you on the bike if you're going to keep eating these cookies, that's your fourth one today." See… playful? I think this is playful. Please tell me this is playful.

Kessel tries to claim that it's only his first cookie, at which point Phaneuf goes full-on dad mode while busting him with a detailed list of times and locations. I was fully expecting him to explain that he's not mad, just disappointed.

Anyway, now that Kessel's been thoroughly cookie-shamed by his friend(?), I'm sure we'll get to the friendly banter.

See, here we go. Kessel relates a funny story about being asked who'll choose the music for the all-star locker room. "I told them you." See, that's nice! "And I said you're the worst DJ in the league." Oh.

"Hey, you can go get your ipod," Phaneuf replies. "I know you're extremely cheap, but…"

OK, I'm going to just jump in right here. Do…. do Phaneuf and Kessel hate each other? I mean, do they legitimately want to fight right now? I think they might.

Just for context, Phaneuf being the Maple Leafs' locker room DJ was kind of a thing in Toronto for a while after Burke somehow used it as a way to praise his leadership skills. So this is Kessel coming in and just firing directly at the thermal exhaust port. These guys are not messing around.

By the way, can we give Kessel some credit for holding his own here? He's never been viewed as an especially intimidating guy, but he's pulling off a pretty decent "I'm going to stand right over you and keep eating my cookie and what are you going to do about it?" move here.

That face where you realize your fun sit-down is about to turn into a fist fight.

A flustered Phaneuf tries to resume the interview, but Kessel is still hovering semi-menacingly in the background. The interviewer asks if he'll be in the hardest shot competition, at which point Kessel comes storming back for more, asking if "You mean that muff of a shot?" I don't even know what that means, but it sounds bad.

At this point, Phaneuf calmly gets up, grabs Kessel in a headlock, drags him down the hallway and throws him down that escalator.

Wait, I'm being told I imagined that. What Phaneuf actually does is offer up a plaintive "Phil is all over me today. I don't know why… he's angry today". Which is probably the safe play. Would you want to mess with this guy?

I feel like we have to score that bout for Kessel. Phaneuf got the early takedown and landed some shots, but ran out of gas at the end and left himself open. I'm going split decision for Phil, but I'm willing to hear other viewpoints.

By the way, you may be wondering how we got this clip of the Maple Leafs' two most important players coming to within a few seconds of roundhouse kicking each other in the temple. Did some fan film it with their phone and upload it to social media? Is it security cam footage that the hotel didn't dispose of properly? Oh, no, it was uploaded by the official Maple Leafs YouTube account. And then they gave it this title:

The 2011-12 Maple Leafs missed the playoffs for the seventh straight season, in case you were wondering. No idea how that happened, with all that dressing room chemistry.

Epilogue: They eventually made up.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

Down Goes Brown Grab Bag: Trash Talking, Boring Senators and Cookie Phil published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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