#Mine was this maybe 16 year old girl

[dancingwithreality]

romeo and juliet t.w.

gif not mine!

pairing: toto wolff x verstappen!sister

word count: 3.1k

summary: red bulls golden girl has been in a long term secret relationship with the team principal of mercedes, and it gets harder to keep the secret.

warnings: implied sexual content, jos verstappen 🤢, fluff, light steam but no smut

a/n: yes she’s a little child prodigy, but it works better for the plot. if this gets love 'n y'all really want more i'll do a second part maybe :)

please don’t take my work! enjoy and interact :)

JOS VERSTAPPEN was not a nice man, and an even worse father. He was demanding and mean, pushing his driving legacy onto his children. Well, onto Max. When his first child was a girl Jos was not happy. He didn’t think a girl could uphold such a prestige, so he never tried hard. You gave your all to impress your father but it was never enough for him. Then a few years later, he got Max, and when Max was of age he immediately started karting. You were quickly pushed to the back of his mind.

Through the years, even though you did better than Max, he still never cared about you as much as he did Max. Which is definitely saying something. You made your career as the youngest female driver to ever get second in the F2 Championship at 16 years old. At the last race, when you solidified your position as second in the WDC, you will always remember how your 12 year old baby brother went running up to you, pride swelling in his eyes.

He kept chanting your praises and hugged you tightly around your waist. Tears were brought to your eyes and you hugged him back. You took Max up to the podium with you and celebrated with the whole world watching. Except, Jos. His arms were crossed as he barely spared you a glance. That was the last time your heart broke because of him. You swore to yourself, you’d be there for Max how your father never was, and you’d stop relying on him to validate you.

Your success put you on the radar for many teams. The one you went with, was Red Bull. You joined their academy and were their first female reserve. There you met Daniel and became quick friends. Years later, when Max joined Toro Rosso you’d been driving for Red Bull for years already. You were the one that pushed for Max to be your reserve the following year, and everything fell into place.

Now you were 28. You had four consecutive vice championships under your wing and were driving alongside your two-consecutive championship winning brother. Everyone called you the ‘Wonder Twins’ and your family legacy had never burned brighter.

You were having a relaxing dinner with your brother and best friend, reminiscing on your life and how lucky you were. While Daniel and Max took over most of the conversation and were laughing the entire time, you memorized this night to remember it forever. Unbeknownst to Max, your boyfriend of four years was sitting further back in the restaurant having his own night. Glances were being passed back and forth between you to as your relationship was still a secret.

•••

It was 2018, after the Singapore race. The whole grid was out at some club and even some principals and team members joined you.

You and Danny were having the best time dancing and drinking, when you felt someone’s eyes on you. Finding the source gave you a shock and surprise to see Toto staring at you. When your eyes met, he sent a wink your way that made you blush and look back at Daniel. Hurriedly you whispered to him what had happened and the Aussie was at a loss for words. He knew of your little crush on the Austrian often teased you about it, but he never thought the crush would be reciprocated. Nonetheless he matched your excitement and decided you would do something about it.

Danny fluffed up your hair, and your ego, while encouraging you to go talk to him. ‘Open, lemme see your teeth,’ Daniel made a face at you telling you to do the same. You did and he confirmed that nothing was there. ‘Right, go at ‘em!’ He started to push you towards the bar.

‘What am i supposed to say!’ You started panicking while trying to look calm.

‘Turn up that Dutch charm or something! You’ve got this,’ Daniel winked and sent you on your way with a gentle pat on the back.

You were skeptical that Toto would even follow you to the bar. But he did. And somewhere in the night, small talk and glances turned into light touches and smiles. Which turned to laughs and close proximity, which led you going back to the hotel room with him for more privacy and a nightcap. The night was one to really remember as it started what you could only describe as the best thing to happen to you. The morning after wasn’t a walk of shame, no, your held was high and you were filled with joy and you stumbled all the way back to your room, eager to tell Danny all the details.

•••

You were brought back to reality as Daniel kicked you under the table and cleared his throat. Your face burned from how long you kept eye contact from across the room, while your brother sitting a foot away. ‘Sorry, I spaced out,’ you laughed and took a sip of your wine.

'You spend too much of your time with us,' Max sighed and looked at Daniel for his agreement.

‘Max,’ you chuckled, ‘You guys are my best friends, and you’re also my brother, why wouldn’t I spend time with you?’ You asked.

‘I’m just saying, you’re with us all the time. And when you’re not you’re always in your room or by yourself,’ Max stated like it was fact. Daniel let out a quick laugh at the idea of you always being ‘alone’ when he knew where you really were.

This time you kicked him, ‘And what’s wrong with that?’

‘Darling we can’t be your only friends,’ Daniel teased. You shot him a deadpanned look and pretended to laugh.

‘I’m serious!’ Max looked almost offended that you and Daniel weren’t taking it as seriously as he was. Both of you immediately turned to him and looked concerned. ‘Daniel has Heidi, I have Kelly, you’re not getting any younger and you don’t have anyone.’

Your mouth was agape, did he just call you old? Daniel couldn’t hold his laughter in anymore and in classic honey badger style, he bursted out and was laughing so hard he couldn’t breath.

‘Max, I can assure you, you don’t have to worry about me.’ You tried to calm this conversation and put it to an end.

Much to your chagrin it didn’t really end. Max went on for a little while longer and you couldn’t have wished to not be there any more. When he finally got up to go to the bathroom, you slumped down in your chair.

Daniel was trying to get his breath back and was drinking his water. 'What was that? Max never cared about my love life!' You pinched your nose bridge and put your head down on the table.

'Why don't you just tell him? It's been four years, I don't think its too fresh anymore.'

'Oh yeah like it's that easy, 'Oh hey Max! I've been dating the Team Principal of Mercedes for years now, i just never told you!' You pretended to smile and used the fakest high pitched voice you had.

'You sarcastic little girl, it's not that big a deal. If you love each other, what's the big deal?'

'Okay don't call me a little girl you're like a few years older than me. Ugh, I miss the days when we had a PR relationship for publicity. No one asked me about my love life back then,' You groaned and took an even larger sip of your wine, the cup almost empty now.

'Just eat your food and stop sulking. You're secretly dating tall, dark, handsome, and hunky, like your life is so hard. Poor Romeo and Juliet.’ Daniel cut a piece off his steak and went back to eating. 'You're leading the championship and getting dicked down-‘

'Daniel!'

•••

You were all at Silverstone now. You just finished qualifying and the feelings were mixed. Max had unfortunately not done as well, but 6th wasn’t horrible. He was sure to make it up.

You were on your way back to your hotel when you got a message from Toto. Unfortunately for him, Lewis and George struggled a little more than they’d prefer. Toto had asked the front desk for an extra key to his room and had given it you prior. He wanted a bit of comfort tonight. He already let out his anger in the garage earlier, he would need another headset for tomorrow, and he wanted you to spend the night. you told him you’d be right over as soon as you were ready.

So a shower and an outfit change later, you were running over to his room and sliding the room key in as quick as you could. You always had to make sure no one saw when either of you went to the others room, so you’d gotten fairly good at it over the years.

As soon as you closed and locked the door, behind you came a pair of arms what wrapped themselves quickly around your waist. ‘Oh, meine liebe,’ the arms sighed in the crook of your neck.

‘Hello my darling,’ you leaned backwards onto the strong chest of your boyfriend and rested one hand around his neck, where his head was pressing kisses on yours. ‘How are you?’

He spun you around in his arms so he could rest his forehead on top your head. ‘Qualifying was piss poor, it seems we can’t get out of 7th and 8th.’

‘If it makes you feel any better, Alonso hasn’t been doing too well these last races. If Lewis manages to move even a few places the gap will tightens between them.’ You rubbed your hands up and down his back, trying yo offer some comforting words.

‘How can you be so impartial?’ He pressed a long kiss to your lips. ‘We’re from rival teams, shouldn’t you pray for our downfall?’ he kissed you again.

This time when he started to pull away you went to your tippy toes chasing after him, ‘We can both succeed without hurting the other.’ One of your hands was behind his neck, the other in his hair. ‘Well, so long as I’m winning.’ Each time he kissed you grew more passionate and desperate than the last. Neither of you had even realized that you’d walked backwards onto the bed until Toto’s legs hit the frame and you both fell.

After his back hit the mattress and you braces yourself on his chest you both erupted into laughter. You laid with your head and arms in his chest as he put one behind his head so he could see you properly. ‘It’s only a good race if you win darling,’ the look in his eyes was so intense you could feel your whole body get hotter.

Your ears grew red as you two kept the silence and just, stared. ‘I love you,’ you softly said.

‘I love you,’ his thick accented voice soothed your heart and made it swell four times the size.

‘I wish we didn’t have to keep everything so secret,’ you uttered in a sort of defeated tone.

‘Meine liebe, I’d get all those silly little social media apps just to tell the whole world about us if you asked.’ He sat up, and pulled you with him into an upright position. You were straddling his lap, arms around his waist, as he pulled you in for a deep kiss, all in an effort to emphasize his love for you.

You would be lying if you said you didn’t like it when he held you like you weighed nothing. At eye level with him now, you couldn’t hold back anymore and jumped at his face. You kissed him so quickly and deeply you could’ve sworn he gasped. You nibbled on his lip and he let out a groan that you immediately swallowed, the sound only sending you into hyperdrive. Your intensity fueled him and you both became hungry for each other. Hands roaming and bodies moving in sync with each other.

His hands gripped your thighs and you tightened your legs around his waist. Once again, like you weight nothing, he took advantage of your tightening around him and lifted you up so he could further up the bed. Not once did you disconnect from each other as the night began to escalate.

He laid you down on your back and hovered over you, only a mere few inches from laying on you. Lips swollen and eyes dilated in lust you uttered ‘I love yours’ once more before connecting your lips for what feels like the tenth time that night.

All you were was a mess of sweaty skin, hushed breaths and some of the most explicit sounds that would make anyone blush. Nights like these, we’re you were able to care for each other and pretend the world outside didn’t exist were your favorite. Nights where you two could just be in love, not Mercedes Team Principal and Red Bulls Golden Girl.

Nights like these where you were Romeo and Juliet, fighting against your families and becoming your own.

•••

It was the last lap of Silverstone and adrenaline was running high. Your father had shown up to this race which already put you in a sour mood, you just wanted him to leave. You had Lando pushing behind you, granted the gap was 11.63 seconds but you wanted it to stay that way. Your only goal now was to get fastest lap to really tie it in. All these years later and you were still desperate for your father to see how good you were. See how you did it all by yourself.

You knew that behind Lando was Max, and even though you would always wish the best for the papaya boy, you knew that if max couldn’t overtake Jos would not be happy. His permanently disappoint disposition still hurt Max and it hurt you to see it.

Tension was running high as the race was coming to a close. There wasn’t a sound you could hear besides your own heart and you crossed the finish line. Lando followed behind and Max just .01 of a second behind him. It was close, and you were just so happy for both of them that you didn’t care if your brother didn’t overtake him.

When the final lap was over and you parked your car, the first thing you did was take off your helmet and look at the crowds. Amongst the cheering crowds, McLaren going wild and Red Bull screaming at the top of their lungs you watched as your brother pulled into the third spot and got out. Max made eye contact with your father and you could watch his heart break. Although he had preformed so well Jos was never pleased.

This ignited something in your veins. You watched him cross his arms and stand silently in the crow of cheering Red Bulls, the cameras showing off the orange army going insane in the bleachers. Yet somehow, the happiness couldn’t rub off on him.

You were tired of him.

You couldn’t take a single second of his attitude anymore.

So with all your courage and fire, you arm over to where Mercedes had piled off to the side. Your pushing through the crowds caught the cameras attention and all eyes were on you.

There in that second there was only one thought in your head. One idea: and you were going to follow through. You always do. You found Toto looking around shocked and confused as to why you were right in front of him. And in that second, you kissed him.

You brought both of your hands up to cup his face and you smashed your lips against his. As if the world melted around you his hands found your hips and the two of you were pushing so hard into each other, it was hard to tell where you ended and he started.

Just like the night before, you were one. You weren’t Mercedes v. Red Bull. You were boy and girl, hopelessly in love.

The crowd and gone silent.

You two pulled away ever so slightly, foreheads rested against the others as Toto supported your weight so you didn’t have to strain your feet too much to reach him. Despite just hard launching your relationship without any kind of talking about it before hand, the two lovers embraced each other.

‘The world knows now,’ he whispered in your ear.

‘Let them.’ You smiled as you hugged him tighter. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’ he whispered back.

Cheers and whoops erupted around you. Despite the initial shock of your relationship people were just happy. It was a good race with an even better surprise at the end, how could they complain?

The two of you pulled apart and smiled at each other, the world so unused to swing Toto so domestic and soft. You have him one more hot kiss before walking back to do the post race interview and award ceremony.

‘I guess she isn’t so alone, huh..’ Max looked star struck as Daniel laughed and patted him on the back.

You walked back and Jos was furious at your vulgar and inappropriate display. You’d never seen him so mad. It made you audibly laugh.

You put your Rub Bull cap on and walked right up to David Coulthard and smiled, waiting to start the questions.

‘Well that was something,’ He laughs in a slightly awkward manor. ‘Can I assume there’s something going on between you two?’

‘We’ve been dating for a while, I love him.’ You never smiled brighter.

‘A congratulations is in order then, for the race and for your love!’ He barked out in laughter as you thanked him and giggled.

Your eyes never left Toto, even as the anthems played and the trophies were handed out. Even as you sprayed each other with champagne and celebrated. Neither of you looked away. The smiles so evident on your faces and that in love glow never left. At that moment, neither of you cared about the repercussions that would follow. The PR mess and the scolding from Christian. It was just you two, in love.

The love you shared didn’t have to be bottled anymore. You two didn’t have to hide anymore, you could be together freely and honestly. That was all you wanted in life. To be with your love, in love, with no secrets or shame. You loved each other and that was all that mattered.

fin.

[ch0k3herwithaseaview]

@jegulus-microfic | april 16 embarrass | words: 1,3k

this one is a lighter version of what happened to me during easter lol enjoy;3

tw: blood, hospital, stitches, needles, accident

part two

Regulus went out with Barty and Evan—nothing new.

They drank—also nothing new.

The fact that Regulus had forgotten how to ride a bike, however, was new.

Everyone always says you can’t forget how to ride a bike, and maybe it’s true, but when you do it for the first time in almost two years while drunk, it turns out to be quite hard.

The first few minutes were okay; he was a bit wobbly, but he managed to ride on his own. The problem started as they passed the old shrine. It was placed on a sharp turn, and Regulus, instead of turning left as he should, started turning right. He could see the bike hitting the curb and the pavement getting closer and closer with every passing second. Alright, he thought, I’m going to hit it. He didn’t even try to pull out his hands to cushion the fall; he just flew like a log on his face.

Regulus lay there for a few seconds, hearing his friends laughing behind him, and then started laughing himself. He stood up, dusted off his trousers, and touched his chin. There was a hole in it; Regulus could feel it.

“Hey, does it look bad?” He turned to face his friends, and that’s when he felt a thick liquid rolling down his neck.

“Reg, that looks fucking awful; we’re going to the hospital,” Evan said firmly, taking Regulus’ hand and leading him to sit a bit further from the road.

“Show me,” he said, laughing lightly, because what else has he left?

Barty snorted, taking his phone out and, a second later, blinding Regulus with its flash. When he saw the photo, he just started laughing harder.

“Oh fuck, I look so bad; we should call Pandora,” he choked out, trying to keep the wound closed (he didn’t manage it).

A few minutes later, Panda’s old peugeot stopped next to them. The girl grabbed his face and started cleaning it with wet wipes, mumbling how irresponsible Regulus is.

“Hold it,” she commended sternly. “You had one job, one, and still failed at it,” Pandora turned to address all three giggling boys. “Take his bike; I’ll text when we’re at the hospital.”

***

“Regulus, I swear to god, if you don’t shut up, I will—oh, thank fuck, take him away from me, please,” Pandora said to someone behind him. As Regulus turned around, he felt cured right then and there, because in front of him stood the most beautiful man he’s ever seen, with his messy curls, golden skin, and that stunning smile.

The man chuckled, and that’s when Regulus realised his jaw had gone slack.

“Are you Regulus?” the man asked.

“Are you God?” Reg replied before he could stop himself. Mr. Beautiful started straight out laughing at that.

“Well, I’m your doctor, so kinda? I guess?” The doctor answered, inviting Regulus to the treatment room. “What happened?”

Regulus considered all of his options: tell the truth and sound like an alcoholic who gets himself into accidents, or come up with some lie.

Because he didn’t feel like he could come up with a good one, Regulus chose the first option.

“Oh, I’m going to embarrass myself as fuck,” he giggled, while the doctor, whose name he couldn’t quite read from the name tag on his scrubs, started cleaning the wound. “Wait, can you—can you stop moving for a second?” The doctor did what he was asked to do. Regulus reached for the little piece of plastic attached to the pocket on the doctor's chest and finally got what he wanted. Letting go of the man’s clothing, Regulus continued, “So, James, did your parents teach you how to ride a bike?”

The doctor, James, snorted, “Yes, Regulus, they taught me how to ride a bike; why?”

“Well, I thought mine did too, but today I realised they did a shitty job at it.” James erupted into laughter, taking a step back from Regulus. “What? I mean it! Look, if they taught me better, I probably wouldn’t be here!”

“That, or if you drank a little less,” the taller man huffed, coming back closer to Regulus. He knew the doctor was right, but he still felt the need to roll his eyes.

After a few minutes, James told him it looked really bad and they would need to stitch him up.

“If you're afraid I'll disfigure your face for the rest of your life, I can call someone else,” Regulus heard, and he responded with a dismissive hand gesture.

“Stitch away; I don’t mind. Besides, scares are kinda badass,” another round of chuckles.

“Alright, just don’t make me laugh while I do it, or you really will look bad when I’m done.”

Regulus could hear some metal things clicking against each other and could feel the fear creeping up his neck. He started scraping the nail polish off his nails, waiting for the worst. James must’ve noticed somehow, because he asked if Regulus felt alright.

One moment Regulus was staring at the overhead lamp, and the next there was a blue cloth covering his face.

“What the fuck?” he grumbled, grabbing at it. “Take it off; I can’t see shit.”

He could hear James sighing, and then his face came back into view. Regulus couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

“If you weren’t so funny, I would put them all on you,” the other man muttered, throwing away the blue thing. “Okay, since you’re under the influence, I can’t administer local anaesthesia, but you have enough piercings to know the feeling.”

“Yeah, and I certainly do not do them for the feeling,” he mumbled, putting his hands underneath his buttocks.

James grabbed a needle with medical thread already pulled through it. He lowered himself closer to Regulus’ face and looked up into his eyes.

“Ready?”

“I will never be, so just go. Please,” was all Regulus could choke out while looking into those deep hazel eyes that crinkled at the response, probably from the smile hidden under the mask.

James looked back down at Reg’s chin and placed the needle in the wound area. As it went in and out, creating the first stitch, Regulus could feel a tear rolling down his temple.

“You okay?” James asked, looking into his eyes again. This time, only a whimper came out of Regulus. “Don’t worry, just one more,” the doctor said in a soothing tone, his eyes softening.

The second time was the same yet worse—Regulus wanted to run as he felt the needle just near his face.

After that, James cleaned him up again and gave him instructions on how to treat the wound.

“See you in two weeks; I’ll take them off,” he said, handing the discharge from the hospital to Regulus.

I’m drunk, Reg thought to himself. If it goes south, I can blame it on the vodka.

“Why not in two days?” he said out loud.

James looked at him, puzzled. “Excuse me?”

Regulus cleared his throat. “Why wait two weeks when we can see each other sooner?”

“I can’t take the stitches sooner then—"

“Not to take off the stitches, doctor,” he said, smirking slightly.

James eyes went wide. For a moment that felt like hours, they sat in silence, just looking at each other, waiting.

When the silence stretched out a bit more, Regulus decided to abort the mission.

“You know what? I’m drunk; I should just—"

“Does Tuesday at 8:00 sound good?” James said at the same time. It took Regulus a few seconds to register what he just heard, but when it finally got to him, he positively beamed at James.

“Yeah,” he said, his eyes sparkling with excitement. “Yes, that sounds lovely.”

[mcntsee]

I will always protect you.

Summary: One promise, and three times Kaz kept it.

Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, mentions of alcoholism, mention of alcoholic tendencies, underage drinking. Bruises, blood, stabbing, violence. Usual SOC stuff. And a little bit of ooc kaz.

Notes: Their ages go; first, 4 and 5, then, 13 and 14, after that, 15 and 16, and lastly 18 and 19. With Kaz being the oldest of the two. Also, I don’t know how little kids talk, so I tried to express their age more with actions.

THE PROMISE:

Kaz Brekker, a mischievous five-year-old boy with jet-black hair and sharp blue eyes, found himself running through the bustling streets of Lij. He was on his way to buy candy from his favorite stall when, by chance, he collided with a four-year-old girl. She had bright, curious eyes and a mischievous grin of her own.

"Oof! Sorry," Kaz muttered, rubbing his arm where he bumped into Y/N. The girl giggled and brushed herself off. "It's okay. Are you hurt?"

"Nah, I'm tough," Kaz replied, puffing out his chest. "What's your name?"

"I'm Y/N," she replied with a small curtsy. "What's yours?"

"Kaz," he answered, a sly smile forming on his lips. "You wanna come with me? I'm going to buy some candy." Y/N's eyes widened with excitement. "Yes, please! I love candy!"

Hand in hand, they ventured through the vibrant market, their laughter echoing through the air. They marveled at the colorful stalls, the fragrant spices, and the musicians playing lively tunes.

"Look, Y/N, that stall has lollipops!" Kaz pointed, pulling her toward a display of rainbow-colored sweets.

Y/N's eyes sparkled as she picked a blue lolly. "You think we can eat them all?" To the question, Kaz grinned mischievously. "Duh!"

They spent the day running from one stall to another, devouring candy and experiencing the wonders of Lij. They laughed, spun in circles, and created their own little adventures.

As the sun began to set, Kaz and Y/N found themselves sitting on a park bench, exhausted and with a tummy ache but happy.

"Y/N, I think you're my best friend," Kaz said, leaning against her shoulder. Y/N smiled warmly. "And you mine, Kaz. Forever."

After their delightful day in Lij, Kaz and Y/N couldn't bear the thought of being apart. They made a pact to meet at the same spot where they had bumped into each other every single day. And true to their word, they showed up without fail, ready for more adventures.

Their daily escapades were filled with laughter and endless games. They chased each other through the winding streets, played hide-and-seek among the market stalls, and invented new imaginary worlds where they were heroes saving the day.

Sometimes, Kaz would take Y/N to his family's farm on the outskirts of town. With excitement bubbling inside, Y/N met Kaz's older brother, Jordie, who always had a playful smirk on his face. And there was Kaz's father, a strong and kind man who welcomed Y/N with open arms.

Together, the duo explored the vast fields, chasing butterflies, and picking wildflowers. Kaz and Y/N would compete to see who could climb the tallest tree, giggling with delight at their friendly rivalry. They would visit the animals, feeding the chickens and petting the gentle horses.

As time passed, their bond grew stronger, and their adventures became even more extraordinary. They braved make-believe battles against fearsome dragons, crafted secret hideouts with blankets and pillows, and dreamed of grand expeditions to faraway lands.

One sunny afternoon, as Kaz and Y/N sat on their favorite park bench with nothing better to do, Kaz turned to her with a curious expression. "Y/N, can I come to your house today? I want to see where you live."

Y/N hesitated for a moment before shaking her head gently. "I'm sorry, Kaz. Maybe another time."

Kaz furrowed his brow, not entirely understanding why Y/N didn't want him to visit her home. "Awe, but why not?"

Y/N glanced down, her voice softening. "It's just- my da... he can be a little mean sometimes."

Kaz tilted his head, still not comprehending the depth of the situation. "What do you mean, mean? Like he doesn't let you have candy?"

Y/N's eyes filled with a mix of sadness and fear. "Sort of, yeah- it's hard to explain."

Kaz could sense Y/N's discomfort, and he didn't want to press her further if it made her uneasy. He reached out and squeezed her hand gently. "It's okay, maybe some other day?"

Y/N's expression softened, grateful for Kaz's understanding. She gave him a small smile and leaned against his shoulder. "Maybe."

Kaz smiled back, reassuring her with his presence. He knew that sometimes people had difficulties, and what mattered most was supporting each other through it all, even if Y/N's home remained a mystery to Kaz for the time being.

After a while of some more talking, y/n glanced at her old pocket watch, eye’s widening when she saw the time. “Uh oh. I need to go Kaz.” hurriedly, she stood up from her previous spot, putting her watch back in its place. While she ran as fast as her little legs could, she heard her name being called by Kaz “See you tomorrow?” Without stopping or looking back she yelled “Duh!” and just like that, she was out of Kaz’s sight.

The following day, Kaz waited in their usual meeting spot for hours, but Y/N never showed up. Feeling a mix of disappointment, he eventually headed home to find his older brother Jordie.

“Jordie, something’s wrong,” Kaz exclaimed as he entered the house. “Y/N didn’t come today. I think she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.”

Jordie chuckled softly, trying to ease Kaz’s concerns. “Come on, Kaz. Y/N wouldn’t just ditch you like that. Maybe she had something important to do.”

Kaz sighed, still uncertain. “But she always keeps her promises. I think it’s because I asked to go to her house. Maybe I pushed too much.”

Jordie’s expression shifted, a hint of unease crossing his face. “What did she say, Kaz? Why couldn’t you go to her house?”

Kaz shrugged, oblivious to Jordie’s uneasiness. “Y/N just said her da is not very nice sometimes.” Jordie’s eyes narrowed slightly, concern deepening. “She even mentioned he doesn’t let her have candy! Can you believe that?” Jordie listened attentively to Kaz’s concerns, his worry growing with each word. He understood the weight of Kaz’s words about Y/N’s father but decided not to mention it directly to Kaz, wanting to shield him from unnecessary distress.

“Kaz, I understand that you’re worried,” Jordie said with a reassuring smile. “But trust me, Y/N is still your best friend. Sometimes things come up, and she might have had something important to take care of. Don’t jump to conclusions just yet.”

Kaz nodded, albeit still a bit unconvinced. “I guess you’re right, Jordie. I just miss her, that’s all.” Jordie gave Kaz a kind smile and patted his back lovingly “Also, you’re not supposed to be eating candy either, mister.”

One day turned into three, and although Jordie kept his worries about Y/N’s situation to himself, he couldn’t shake off the unease. He watched Kaz’s hopeful eyes and felt a sense of responsibility to protect his little brother’s innocence.

Days after, as Kaz sat at their usual meeting spot, the weight of worry had settled upon him. But this time, his anticipation shifted into sheer surprise as Y/N appeared, offering an apologetic smile.

Kaz’s eyes widened as he saw Y/N approaching, and he jumped up with excitement. “Y/N! You’re here! I missed you so much! Where have you been?”

Y/N’s smile flickered, and she looked down sheepishly. “Sorry, Kaz. I had important stuff to do. But I’m done now and I brought you a lolly!”

Kaz’s joy quickly turned to concern as he noticed the bruises on Y/N’s face and body. He furrowed his brow and asked, “What happened? You fall down?”

Y/N’s eyes filled with tears, and she shook her head. “I’m not really allowed to talk about it.”

Kaz’s protective instincts kicked in, and he thought for a moment. “Well, my da is really good at fixing things. Maybe he can help you. Would you like that?” Y/N hesitated but nodded.

Hand in hand, Kaz and Y/N made their way to Kaz’s farm, a sense of determination guiding Kaz’s steps. They arrived at the farm, and Kaz’s father greeted them warmly.

“Da, Y/N has some little cuts and bruises,” Kaz explained, concern evident in his voice. “Can you help?”

Kaz’s father knelt down, examining Y/N’s injuries with a gentle touch. “What happened?” he questioned hoping for an answer, sadly, he got the same response as Kaz. “I’m not allowed to talk about it.”

Once Kaz’s father finished cleaning up Y/N’s wounds, he sat down with a concerned expression on his face. “Honey, I understand that you can’t talk about it, but I want you to know that you’re safe here. No one will find out, and Kaz and I will keep this as our secret. Won’t we, Kaz?” The boy eagerly nodded.

Y/N hesitated, looking at Kaz’s dad with a mix of uncertainty and vulnerability. Slowly, she mustered the courage to speak. “My ma and da are both sick.”

Kaz’s dad nodded, encouraging her to continue. “Can you tell me more about it, Y/N?”

Y/N took a deep breath, her voice trembling. “Sometimes… sometimes they talk really weird, and they walk funny.” She paused for a second to look at Kaz’s confused face. “They sleep a lot too.”

Kaz’s dad’s face softened with understanding. “They’re alcoholics?”

Y/N looked puzzled, not fully comprehending the question being made. Kaz’s dad continued, trying his best to explain in a way that a young child could understand. “Sometimes, some people enjoy something that’s not good for them, like drinking too much alcohol. It can make them act differently and cause them to hurt themselves and others.”

Y/N’s eyes widened, realizing that Kaz’s dad understood the situation better than she expected. Encouraged by his empathy, she opened up a little more. “My da is really mean to me sometimes.”

Kaz’s dad’s expression turned solemn, and he pulled Y/N into a comforting hug. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Y/N. No one should ever be mean to you. You’re a kind and wonderful girl.”

Y/N fought back tears, feeling the warmth of Kaz’s dad’s embrace and the reassurance in his words. As he wiped away her tears, he gently asked, “Would you like to have a sleepover here tonight?”

At first, Y/N hesitated, worried about the potential consequences. “I should be on my way home before my dad gets angry at me.” she whispered.

Kaz’s dad gently took her hand and looked into her eyes with kindness. “You don’t have to worry about that here. I’ll talk to him, how’s that sound?”

Slowly, she nodded, finally letting herself accept the care and compassion offered to her. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

Kaz was thrilled to have Y/N stay for a sleepover, knowing they would get to spend more time together than ever before. He took her hand and led her up to his room, eager to show her all his new toys.

Hours passed as they laughed, played, and let their imaginations run wild. Kaz's room became a world of adventure, filled with shared stories and cherished moments.

But as the evening grew late, Kaz remembered he needed to say goodnight to his dad and Jordie. He quietly made his way downstairs, hoping to bid them farewell before returning to his room with Y/N. Just as he was about to reach the main living area, he overheard his father and Jordie having a conversation in hushed tones.

Curiosity got the better of him, and Kaz leaned closer, eavesdropping on their words. His heart sinking as he heard his da say, "Her father hits her."

Shock and anger coursed through Kaz's young veins. He couldn't fathom why someone would hurt Y/N, his dear friend. Without hesitation, he quickly said goodnight to his father and Jordie, a mix of determination and concern etched on his face.

Hurrying back to his room, he found Y/N, already lying down in her makeshift bed, waiting for him. He approached her gently, placing a tender kiss on her forehead. “I will always protect you, Y/n.”

FIRST TIME:

Recently, Kaz had suffered a broken leg, rendering him immobile and dependent on Y/N’s support. Determined to alleviate their hunger, Y/N made a solemn promise. “Don’t worry, Kaz. I’ll find us food. Your job is to rest and heal.”

With a sense of purpose, Y/N embarked on a risky endeavor to steal from those they deemed as “rich assholes.” It was a desperate act born out of necessity, driven by the dire circumstances they found themselves in. Little did Y/N know that Kaz, the restless boy he always was, had decided to secretly follow her.

Kaz hobbled along with a mixture of determination and worry. He understood the risks involved, but his loyalty and protective nature urged him to be by Y/N’s side. He remained hidden, his eyes fixed on his friend’s movements, marveling at her agility and resourcefulness.

Y/N, driven by desperation, resorted to pickpocketing in an attempt to secure food for both her and Kaz. If she was lucky, she could get more money than she would by working for the dregs for a week. She managed to successfully lift money from three unsuspecting individuals, but on her fourth attempt, her lack of experience betrayed her. The merchant she targeted noticed her actions and seized her wrist forcefully, yanking her forward while unleashing a torrent of anger.

“You little thief! Trying to steal from me, huh?” Y/N struggled to break free, her heart pounding in her chest. However, the merchant’s grip only tightened, preventing her escape. “I won’t let you get away with it!” Fear gripped her, and tears welled up in her eyes as she braced herself for the consequences of her actions.

Just as the merchant leaned in, ready to strike, Kaz, fueled by a surge of protective instinct, launched himself at the man, tackling him to the ground even though the pain in his leg was killing him.

“Leave her alone! Don’t you dare touch her!” The sudden attack caught the merchant off guard, giving Y/N a precious moment to pull away from his grasp. She stumbled backward, tears streaming down her face, but relief washed over her as Kaz shielded her from harm.

Kaz stood defiantly, his eyes blazing with determination. He wouldn’t allow anyone to harm Y/N, not while he was there to protect her. “You better stay away from us, or else you’ll regret it!” With that warning, Kaz extended a hand to Y/N, offering her support. She grasped his hand, her fingers trembling, and together they quickly retreated from the scene, their hearts pounding with a mix of fear and relief.

With their stomachs growling, Kaz and Y/N made their way to the bakery. Y/N’s heart raced, but luck was on their side for what seemed to be the first time in a long while. The stolen money she had managed to gather before getting caught was just enough to buy a loaf of bread, some meat, and cheese for Kaz.

As they walked back to their dilapidated “home,” a sense of relief washed over them. Amidst the worn-down buildings and bustling streets, Y/N’s eyes caught sight of a discarded cane. Acting swiftly, she snatched it, ensuring no one would notice its absence.

As Y/N handed the cane to Kaz, a mischievous glint danced in her eyes. Kaz accepted it with gratitude, but when he instinctively positioned it on the wrong side, Y/N couldn’t help but giggle.

“No, silly,” Y/N chuckled, gently correcting him. “The cane goes on the hand opposite the side that needs support.”

Kaz’s brows furrowed, momentarily perplexed, but he quickly adjusted the cane to the correct side, a sheepish smile forming on his face. “Oh yeah, that’s way better.”

“Thanks for saving my ass back there, Kaz” Struggling to match his steps with the cane, Kaz looked at her, “I will always protect you, Y/N,” he replied, his voice filled with sincerity.

SECOND TIME:

As Y/N turned 15 and Kaz reached 16, their lives continued to be a challenging dance with fate. However, a troubling change began to surface in Y/N’s behavior. Kaz noticed that she was increasingly reliant on alcohol, far beyond their occasional shared glass after a long day at Fifth Harbor.

It became apparent to Kaz that he rarely saw Y/N completely sober. Though she fluctuated between tipsy and heavily intoxicated, the presence of sobriety seemed to elude her. Concern etched across Kaz’s face as he observed the toll alcohol was taking on his dear friend.

He approached her room, where y/n was nursing a drink, and gently voiced his concerns. “You’ve been drinking a lot lately.” Y/n, defensive and caught off guard, shrugged it off with a dismissive tone. “Pff, come on, Kaz, ‘m just having fun. What’s the big deal?”

Kaz’s expression grew serious as he responded, “It’s not just about having fun anymore, y/n. It’s becoming a problem. Both your parents were alcoholics, and that makes it more likely for you to become one too.” He didn’t intend to bring back ugly memories, he just wanted Y/n back. His Y/n.

“Oh, so now you think ‘m like the asshole of a father I had? ‘s that what you’re saying?” But alas, luck was never really on his side, was it? Kaz hurried to explain, “No, y/n, that’s not what I meant. I’m just worried-“ But y/n was too defensive to listen. Her voice rose, and she interrupted him, “Just leave me alone, Kaz!”

Frustration built up within Kaz as he struggled to make his point. “I’m trying to help you, y/n! Can’t you see that?“

“I don’t need your help!

Their voices grew louder as the argument intensified. Hurtful words were exchanged, both knowing deep down that they didn’t mean them. In the heat of the moment, y/n’s drunken state led to a physical outburst - a push against Kaz. Stunned by the shove, Kaz felt a mix of anger and disappointment. He looked y/n in the eyes, his voice laced with bitterness. “Maybe you’re more like your father than you think.”

With those words hanging in the air, Kaz turned and walked out of y/n’s room, slamming the door behind him. The silence that followed was heavy with regret and realization.

Y/n, now alone, gradually started to comprehend the gravity of her actions. She felt a rush of memories flooding back - memories of her father’s destructive behavior and the pain it caused. The weight of her actions settled in, “Saints!”

Seeking clarity, y/n decided to take a cold shower, hoping it would sober her up both physically and mentally. As the cold water washed away the haze, she reflected on the hurtful things she had said and done. A couple of hours later, feeling completely sober, y/n mustered the courage to approach Kaz’s door.

Kaz opened the door, his face still wearing a frown, unsure of what to expect. Y/n took a deep breath and asked, “Can I come in?”

Hesitant, Kaz nodded and let y/n into his room. The atmosphere was tense, but y/n was determined to make amends. With a shaky voice, she spoke, “I’m completely sober now, Kaz.”

Kaz’s expression softened, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. He nodded and replied, “Good.” Feeling the weight of her actions, y/n continued, “I never intended for it to go that far, Kaz” her voice filled with remorse. Kaz sighed and took a seat on his bed, ready to lend a listening ear. He understood that y/n needed to talk, to find a way to make sense of the chaos that had unfolded.

With a deep breath, y/n continued, “I don’t even know when it started or how it got to this point. The need for a drink just became so overwhelming, and I couldn’t seem to stop myself.”

Kaz listened attentively, his eyes fixed on y/n, offering support without judgment. They spent hours talking, unraveling the underlying reasons for y/n’s struggle with alcohol and exploring the pain and insecurities that fueled it.

As y/n poured out her heart, Kaz remained by her side, offering guidance and understanding. He didn’t have all the answers, but he knew the importance of being there for y/n during this difficult time. He could see the genuine remorse and determination in her eyes.

With a sense of gratitude, y/n said, “Thanks for always being there, Kaz.” Kaz’s gaze softened, and he replied sincerely, “I will always protect you, y/n.” He reached a shaky hand out to her, “Even if it is from yourself.”

THIRD TIME:

The crows and their stupid heists. Y/N and Kaz sat together in Kaz's office, surrounded by the other members of the crows. The air was filled with anticipation as they discussed their latest heist to steal a valuable pocket watch, rumored to be worth a fortune in Kruge. The details of how Kaz had stumbled upon this job remained a mystery to the crows, except for Y/N, who knew it came from a whisper Kaz had overheard in the bustling streets of Ketterdam.

The heist was no easy task, but it also didn't compare to the complexity of their other endeavors- like breaking Matthias out of the notorious Ice Court. This realization brought a sense of confidence to the group, as they knew they had faced greater challenges and emerged victorious. As the planning session drew to a close, the crows dispersed, leaving Y/N alone with Kaz.

Y/N took a seat opposite Kaz, her expression filled with concern. Kaz, ever the enigma, raised an eyebrow and prompted her to share what troubled her. With a deep breath, Y/N spoke up, voicing her worry about the people of Ketterdam and their reliability. She confessed her doubts about trusting anyone in this city, especially considering the clandestine nature of the whisper that led them to the heist.

Kaz couldn't help but let out an amused laugh, breaking the tension in the room. He understood Y/N's concerns all too well. After all, his experiences had taught him that trust was a rare and precious commodity in Ketterdam. But he also recognized the inherent irony in the situation—that the whisper, despite its uncertain source, had provided them with a valuable opportunity.

"You're right, Y/N," Kaz replied, a hint of amusement lacing his words. "People in Ketterdam are not worth trusting, or at least not easily. But this whisper most likely came from some drunk idiot who couldn't keep his mouth shut. We'll tread carefully, as always."

Y/N nodded, a sense of relief washing over her. She trusted Kaz. She always has. Knowing that his keen intuition and meticulous planning would guide them through the heist. “Are you sure you are ok with taking the pocket watch with you for a couple days until I figure out what to do with it?” With renewed assurance she nodded and they set their sights on the task at hand.

As the day turned into night, the crows meticulously executed their plan. Each member played their part flawlessly, their individual skills and unique abilities synergizing to overcome the obstacles in their path. Their heist was a masterclass in cunning and precision, culminating in the successful acquisition of the pocket watch. Little did they know, however, that their triumph held a secret yet to be discovered.

Unbeknownst to Kaz and Y/N, the whisper did not come from just any drunk idiot, it came from y/n’s father and the pocket watch they proudly took, concealed a hidden tracker. It had been planted there by Y/N's own father—a revelation that would soon shake their world.

After the celebration ended, Y/N bid her comrades farewell and made her way back to her apartment, yearning for a well-deserved rest. Fatigue hung heavily upon her, demanding solace in the form of warmth and comfort. She set about preparing herself a cup of tea, the steam from the kettle rising lazily in the air. While waiting she decided that she had enough time for a much needed quick shower.

Unbeknownst to Y/N, her father, driven by a sinister agenda, had stealthily infiltrated her sanctuary. Hidden in the shadows, he seized the opportunity presented by the teapot, meticulously applying a deadly poison to the water within. Satisfied with his clandestine act, he retreated to a darkened corner, waiting for his daughter to return.

Blissfully unaware of the peril lurking within her own abode, Y/N continued her routine, seeking solace in the embrace of a soothing shower. The cascading water served as a respite, washing away the weariness of the day. Refreshed and unaware of the impending danger, Y/N emerged from the bathroom and made her way to the small kitchen, intending to savor the warmth of her tea.

With unquestioning trust, Y/N raised the cup to her lips and drained its contents in a single gulp. A moment later, a chilling voice pierced the silence, causing her to startle. "You know, you ruined my life," the intruder uttered, the words dripping with venom. Y/N's heart pounded in her chest as she realized she was not alone.

Reacting swiftly, a mixture of fear and determination coursed through her veins. She instinctively reached for a kitchen knife, her trembling hand clutching the handle tightly. Slowly and cautiously, she advanced toward the shadowy figure, her senses heightened.

As the figure laughed, the sinister sound echoing in the confined space, they taunted Y/N with words that struck like daggers. "Kill me if you'd like. It won't make a difference, by the end of the night, we both will be dead, dear daughter," they proclaimed, their voice seeping with a sinister resolve.

Y/N's mind raced, grappling with a flood of emotions. Fear mingled with confusion, but beneath it all, a fierce determination flickered. With every step, she steeled herself, ready to confront the threat that now loomed before her. The room became a battlefield, a clash of wills between a daughter seeking to protect herself and the malevolent force that sought to extinguish her existence.

As Y/N launched herself forward, driven by a potent mix of rage and self-preservation, her hand gripped the kitchen knife with a determination that bordered on desperation. With a swift and deliberate motion, she aimed for her father's abdomen, piercing his flesh and eliciting a pained gasp. Yet, even in his moment of agony, he mustered a twisted laugh, taunting her with the knowledge that her own life was destined to be cut short because of him.

The realization of her impending fate weighed heavily upon Y/N as she watched her father's life slip away. With each fading breath, he served as a macabre reminder of the torment he had inflicted upon her. But despite the finality of his demise, Y/N's heart remained heavy, burdened by the understanding that her own days were now numbered.

Her eyes fell upon her father's lifeless form, his body growing cold as the minutes ticked away. In a hurried gesture, Y/N searched his pockets, her hands moving with urgency. Her search led her to an empty glass, bearing the traces of the poison that had claimed so many lives before. She knew its deadly effects all too well, having witnessed its aftermath firsthand. There was no salvation for her now, only a slim chance of surviving until morning.

Driven by a sense of urgency, Y/N hurriedly descended to the dimly lit streets of Ketterdam. Amid the shadows, she spotted Rotty, a trusted member of the crew. With a sense of urgency, she thrust a note into his hands, her voice filled with a mix of desperation and determination as she implored him to deliver it to Kaz.

"Rotty," she called out, her voice laced with urgency. "Take this note. Deliver it to Kaz. Please hurry."

Rotty, recognizing the gravity of the situation, nodded solemnly, his loyalty unwavering. Without wasting another moment, he set off on his assigned task, the note clutched tightly in his grasp. Y/N watched his retreating figure, her heart pounding with anticipation and a glimmer of hope, praying that Kaz would receive her message in time.

In the midst of uncertainty, with the poison coursing through her veins, Y/N was acutely aware that the sands of time were slipping away, but she knew what she needed to do.

Rotty’s hurried footsteps echoed through the halls of Kaz’s office as he approached the door. He knocked, alerting Kaz to his presence, and without waiting for an invitation, he entered, his expression grave. Kaz’s sharp gaze locked onto Rotty, ready to inquire about the urgency that fueled his arrival. However, before a single word could leave Kaz’s lips, Rotty handed him the note and swiftly departed, leaving Kaz alone with the cryptic message.

Kaz’s eyes widened as he unfolded the note, revealing a simple white paper with a solitary lollipop drawn on it. To an outsider, this might have seemed perplexing, but to Kaz Brekker, it held a hidden significance. A sense of urgency surged through him as he recognized the unspoken message encoded within.

Kaz’s heart pounded in his chest as he raced to Y/N’s apartment, his mind racing with a million possibilities. The gravity of the situation only grew stronger with every step he took. When he finally arrived, he wasted no time and barged into the apartment, his senses on high alert.

The sight that greeted him was chilling—a man sprawled on the floor, surrounded by a pool of his own blood. Kaz’s breath caught in his throat as he took in the scene, the implications of what had transpired sinking in. Before he could utter a single word, Y/N emerged from her room, her face pale with a mixture of relief and anguish.

“My father,” Y/N whispered, her voice laced with a complex blend of emotions.

Kaz approached Y/N cautiously, his gaze locked onto her. He could see the fear and exhaustion etched across her features, the toll of the night’s events visible in her eyes. Her face drained of the color it usually had, hands and body slightly trembling. “What happened.”

Kaz listened intently as Y/N recounted the events, her voice filled with a mix of exhaustion and raw emotion. He could sense the weight of her words, the pain that laced every syllable. As she spoke, he noticed the omission—the crucial pieces of information she chose not to share.

“Y/N,” Kaz began gently, his voice laced with concern, “How did he find you.” Y/N hesitated for a moment, she knew. Of course she knew the stupid watch had a tracker, she knew the whisper wasn’t just any drunk asshole, but she couldn’t tell him. “I don’t know Kaz. Maybe I wasn’t careful enough.”

Y/n’s hand extended towards Kaz, holding out the bottle she had found in her father’s jacket. Kaz took the empty bottle from Y/N’s trembling hand, his gloved finger slowly swiping over it. Realization hit him and he knew, he knew he was about to loose his best friend. “I can’t die like this, Kaz. Not because of him.” Kaz’s face pales as he comprehends the gravity of the situation. He knows all too well that this poison means certain death, and he knew what y/n was asking, but the mere thought of being the one to take her life was unbearable.

“I can’t,” Kaz says, his voice filled with desperation. “I can’t do that y/n. Please.” Please. He was begging his brain to think of something else. To find a solution that wouldn’t take her away, not now, not ever.

She understands the pain it causes him, but she needs him, needs his strength and protection more than ever. With a flicker of determination in her eyes, she implores, “Please, Kaz, protect me one last time.”

Her words strike deep into Kaz’s heart, shattering it into pieces. He made a vow years ago to safeguard Y/N, and he never intended to break it, not now, not ever. With a shaky hand, she hands Kaz a dagger, its blade sharp enough to tear through her heart.

Kaz’s mind races, desperately seeking a way to keep her safe, to find an alternative. But the reality of the situation crashes down on him as y/n crumples to her knees, clutching her chest tightly. In that moment, he understands that there are no potions, no saint, no saving her from this fate.

Gently, Kaz sits on the cold floor of the apartment and scoots closer to y/n, carefully cradling her against his chest. He knows she doesn’t want to die at the hands of the man who tormented her for years.

With a heavy heart, he takes the dagger, holding it as delicately as he can, his hands trembling as he positions it on top of her heart. He wishes there was another way, a way to spare her this pain, but in this moment, protecting her means granting her final wish.

“I will always protect you, y/n.” And with a final kiss to her sweaty forehead, the dagger went right through her heart, forever stopping it.

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Hi! I hope you're doing well. I just shared a gifset of de-aged Derek and present Derek pinning Stiles to the wall and was curious if there are any fics where de-aged Derek maybe sticks around longer than canon, and he and Stiles start dating because it looks like he'll be stuck like that. Then, of course, he gets aged up again at some point ... anything? Thanks!

Yeah!

Out of the Mouths of Pups by cardel

(1/1 I 1,358 I General)

Everyone smells anxious and that should set off alarms in him but it doesn’t. The human begins walking towards him, slowly, until he’s standing in front of him. Derek looks up at him curiously, not feeling threatened, Derek stays calm.

That is until one of the werewolves takes a step closer to Derek, the human’s heartbeat picks up. This triggers Derek’s instinct to protect, and propel him to stand in front of the human. He flashes his alpha eyes at the approaching werewolf.

You feel like mine too... 🩵☄️🧡 by Eerien_Ent29

(1/1 I 2,681 I General)

Stiles' anger and frustration boiled over as he spoke with Erica on the phone. "What do you mean he's gone? I entrusted him to you guys so you could take care of him! What happened? What did you tell him?" His voice crackled with a mixture of concern and anger.

Of Boundaries and Bedroom Walls by AClosedFicIsNeverRead

(7/7 I 19,015 I Explicit)

Noah eyed the teenage werewolf with barely concealed apprehension, taking in the unhealthy measure of swagger and self-confidence oozing off the kid. He was entirely too good looking and built for 16 years old and it was clear that he damned well knew it.

Derek smiled back at the Sheriff, self-assured and showing off just a few too many teeth to look strictly human.

“Alright. Let me see if I’ve got this straight,” Noah began, rubbing his forehead as he prayed for strength. “You want me to allow a teenaged boy to sleep directly across the hall from my teenaged daughter with zero parental supervision while I’m pulling overnight shifts?”

“Daaaad!” Stiles groaned. “It’s still Derek!”

- OR -

The one where de-aged Derek moves in with the Stilinskis and becomes fixated on the delicious, hyperactive human girl. Sure, she says they won't be more than friends. That doesn't mean he can't try to change her mind, right?

anything that's dead shall be regrown by blueinkedbones

(26/? I 54,176 I Teen)

“Derek,” the guy with the hands says. He's still got his hands out, kind of reaching, kind of catching, kind of dropping to his sides. His voice is calm, but his eyes are too bright to sell it, and his heartbeat is out of control. “Are you—Do you know who we are?”

Derek swallows, thinks. If this is a treaty thing, another pack thing, why would they care about him? He's not even the alpha-in-training, he's nothing. Mom doesn't even bother explaining most werewolf politics to him. He knows most of it from Laura, Peter, from passing packs who used to think it was cute to tell the youngest beta their complicated histories and have it repeated back to them around still-awkward fangs. Now that's Cora, and not recently, either—She says she's too big to play kid games.

“No,” Derek decides. “Should I?”

A Wolf In Wolf's Clothing by alexenglish

(8/8 I 81,325 I Explicit)

The pack of Beacon Hills' past transgressions are about to converge on them, and Derek stumbles out of the forest with no recent memories and straight into a pack he doesn't know, with an alpha and an anchor he can't possibly remember.

[duplicitywrites]

Every now and then I search up tom riddle playlists on Spotify. They’re usually not all that accurate- mostly because I cannot imagine Tom listening to music, I think he’s too miserable to enjoy it. Maybe classical, and only because he views it as upper class and he’s a desperate social climber. But the playlists aren’t meant to be accurate. They’re a method of flinging tom around like he’s Barbie-‘I’ll cut his hair, would you please put him in a dress?’. The 16 year old girl adding 505 by arctic monkeys into a tom riddle playlist and 7 year old me repeatedly hitting my camel plushie against the wall while I pretend to be its abusive parent are doing the same thing. It’s not fanfiction. It’s another kind of rot. Oh blorbo my blorbo, let down your fucking hair.

lmaooo i try not to judge music tastes because mine is pretty basic. but i agree there are people who assign some songs to characters/ships that trigger the equivalent of "he would NOT say that" in me 😂

or just they're so generic that you can apply it to everyone i guess. yeah the beauty of the human experience is that some things are universal but also if i see/hear the same song one more time my head might explode

I think he's too miserable to enjoy it

most valid argument i've seen! i think any opinions tom has on music is so he can be pretentious about it, although i do love the idea of him 1. preferring to sit in utter silence or 2. secretly listening "trashy" pop because he's melodramatic

i don't have any tom specific playlists but i have some saved as tomarry songs, here's one:

https://open.spotify.com/track/0HC0DQfCneEYFMRYCG9m4s

[fandom-geek17]

Why I actively think Tyler will be redeemed and Wyler will be endgame based on actual clues and my knowledge about movie-making (and not just because I am a raging Tyler apologist)

This is a long one so strap yourselves in, hahaha

First of all, Hunter Doohan confirmed that Tyler’s feelings for Wednesday were real because he didn’t know who she was or her significance to Laurel’s plan when they first met at the Weathervane. But I’d go even further and claim that he didn’t know her significance during the entire first episode. If he knew, why would he ever offer her a ride out of Jericho and offer her the police file that inadvertently led to her cracking the case and bringing Laurel down (but the argument could also be made that that’s why he gave her that file, to bring his abuser down).

Wednesday makes it abundantly clear over the entire season that she has no interest in Xavier whatsoever and is constantly turned off/annoyed by his presence and antics. And this might just be me personally, but Xavier reminds me a lot of an ex of mine who was extremely entitled, selfish, immature and giving major incel vibes. I feel like Xavier is the type of guy who is nice to a girl only when he is interested and/or wants something. And the way he treated Bianca at the Rave’N (immediate no-no) and immediately goes into pity party-mode whenever someone rejects him just irks me. But again, that might just be me.

Now compare that with Wednesday’s reaction to Tyler’s antics. Wednesday is not someone who wants closeness in the beginning, in any shape or form. She is honest, direct and blunt, with no interest in pretending she enjoys something to be polite. Yet she doesn’t object when Tyler manhandles her in ep 2 (in the forest), she never denies her interest in him in ep 4, her first reaction to attending the Rave’N with Xavier is ‘a bullet to the head’ whilst her reaction to attending with Tyler is to immediately start looking for a dress in her closet. She often seeks out his company when she doesn’t really have a reason to, like when she went through the trouble of going all the way to the Weathervane to ask Tyler about the meetinghouse instead just asking anyone else working at Pilgrim World. These small details are to me the ‘signals’ Tyler was referring to. And I think he also just felt the energy between them, or maybe when you’re a 16 year old boy, most things can be interpreted as ‘signals’ if there’s an interest on his part. Or it was just straight up manipulation, as Hunter stated on his instragram. Either way, we can’t deny that Wednesday seems to enjoy Tyler’s presence more than Xavier’s.

Speaking of Wednesday, this is WEDNESDAY ADDAMS. People claim Xavier is the “healthier choice”, which might be true for any other character. But I feel like it’s very OOC for Wednesday to choose one above the other for being “healthier”, not that I believe Xavier would be much healthier. Wednesday went as far as canonically confirming that Tyler is her type BECAUSE he’s a serial killing monster.

The Addams’ Family have a long history of embracing all things weird and unconventional. Fester would be over the moon hearing that a Hyde of all outcasts (his young crush) has captured Wednesday’s heart. Gomez and Morticia would be more than happy to give Tyler all the love and security he never got from his own family. Morticia smiles fondly when Pugsley mentions missing being waterboarded by Wednesday, I don’t think she would have any trouble embracing a traumatized outcast submitted to abuse and torture and then forced to do someone else’s bidding against their will. She mama-bear instincts would kick up.

Hunter Doohan also said that one of the things he looks forward to exploring in season 2 (now confirmed, yay!) is Tyler’s relationship with the Hyde, pulling each side. Who is the real Tyler and who is the Hyde? Does he have active control over the Hyde’s actions or are they all controlled by his master? Remember, we technically have no idea what Tyler did of his own free will and what he was forced to say and do (including that last fight in ep 8). I imagine the Hyde being more of a split personality rather just than man vs monster. The question is if only the Hyde-personality had access to his monster form.

We see that Tyler rebelled against Laurel when he could, when he wasn’t actively forced to do something. For example when he slipped Wednesday the police file (if we believe that theory) and when he chose to keep Eugene alive (Laurel said “take care of it”, clearly meaning “kill him” but since she never used the word ‘kill’, I believe he saw his chance). He also keeps pointing Wednesday in the right direction, even when he probably wasn’t supposed to according to his master, like when he helped her find the meeting house, helped her break into Laurel’s home, chased her and Enid into the basement where they could find more clues.

Grooming, abuse, torture, manipulation, and mind control!!! Need I say more? Tyler is a true victim of his circumstances and society. We must admit that it was pretty easy for Laurel to sink her claws into him. Lonely, traumatized boy with one dead parent and one to emotionally constipated to raise him through his trauma, and here comes Laurel and offers him the truth about his mother in exchange for mommy kink sexual advances until she kidnaps him to torture as she pleases in a cave. She basically presented herself as the sexual version of his mother that Freud loved to say young boys were so vulnerable to. Of course this lonely boy would fall for her act. Laurel even described herself as a plant metaphor in episode 4: some carnivorous varieties use sexual trickery or deception. She then made him think this entire nefarious plan was about him getting revenge on the way outcasts treated his mother.

We see Tyler screaming out for help, subtly and literally, when he tells Wednesday that he wants to “get out of this hellhole town” and later when he’s screaming in the bathtub in ep 3.

The writers keep mentioning Wyler’s “primal attraction” and how Wednesday is drawn to Tyler’s dark side even from the start when she didn’t know what he was. And I truly believe he feels the same way, he is so smitten when she states she would dump piranhas in the swimming pool again. They are both attracted to the darker aspects of their personalities, whereas I feel like Xavier has this romanticized view of Wednesday in his head and when she disproves that by being her morbid, honest self, his first instinct is to whine and feel sorry for himself. He doesn’t embrace every part of her character.

Netflix makes Wyler a large part of their promotion of the show, going as far as pinning Wyler-positive comments on Instagram and making Wyler at the dance their thumbnail for the show on Netflix and hyping Hunter Doohan in general.

If you compare Wyler and Wavier scenes, they tend to play very soft music and use soft/warm lighting during the Wyler scenes. Wavier scenes, sometimes have this too, but never as prominent as with Wyler. From what I’ve seen with other media, that is usually foreshadowing of the producers’ larger plan.

I have a Filler Couple Theory! And that is that the couple that becomes canon in the middle of a show’s entire runtime is almost never canon by the time the show ends. There are exceptions, of course. But generally, shows tend to follow a similar format: couple 1 is introduced as an idea in season 1, they may or may not become canon but the tension is there, for whatever reason couple 2 becomes canon in season 2/3 to create drama and more tension before couple one becomes endgame in season 3/3 (example Stancy in ST, Benvi in NHIE). An exception to this rule is if couple one is a blowburn over several seasons without a love triangle (example: Peraltiago in B99). The writers of Wednesday have planned 4 seasons. They end season 1 with Wyler broken up, hint that Wavier might take more precedence in season 2, and yet still keeps hyping Wyler as much as they do. I think Wavier will be a distraction/filler for Wednesday as Tyler regains her trust and they build so much sexual tension.

So, this was long and kind of all over the place. But as Enid, I write in my voice. And I will admit that some of these points may be down to pure manipulation on Tyler’s part, especially the signals thing. But part of what I love about this show is the ambiguity, the moral grey areas, the way they make a point of embracing the dark side of humanity and loving the characters through it. Until the show canonically confirms that there is no hope for Tyler/Wyler, I will continue to ship it. And I want to add that my will to ship Wyler has nothing to do with who I would personally choose for myself. If given the choice, I would date Enid before my mind could form the phrase ‘toxic relationship’, and I’m very much one of those boring straight people. But as a romantic partner for a dark, morbid character like Wednesday Addams, I would choose Tyler any day.

Tagging: @therulerofallpotatos

[taylorsv3rsion13]

we never go out of style || c.f.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

words : 2.7k

synopsis : things were always rocky for conrad and you. after the whole break up, will everything be the same the year later? or will it all turn to shit.

Every year since we were little kids we would celebrate mine and Belly's birthday. We were born on the same day, but a year apart. And it seemed to make us closer. Susannah would decorate the house and Laurel would make us pancakes every year and Conrad would draw a sun with syrup all over my pancakes. It was like a holiday for us.

"Happy birthday, sweetie!" My mom said over the phone as I was calling her.

"Thank you." I said, smiling.

"Okay, I won't keep you away for long, I know you're waiting for your pancakes." She laughed through the phone.

"Bye, love you!"

"Love you too."

I finished getting ready, putting on all of the makeup and jewelry I needed.

My outfit was normal, just wearing a teal tank top and a green cargo mini skirt.

As soon as I came out of the room Belly did too.

"You're looking hot." I said to her as we made our way down the stairs. She was wearing a floral patterned birthday dress.

"Morning!" We shouted in sync as we came into the kitchen.

Steven and Laurel were making pancakes, Jeremiah and Susannah were decorating, and Conrad looked like he didn't want to be there.

There were various smiles with "hey" and "Happy birthday!"

Susannah came to us first, hugging us, "There are the birthday twins!" She exclaimed.

Jeremiah hugged Belly as Steven hugged me, "Happy birthday." They both said to us before swapping.

"Belly Button's getting old finally!" I exclaimed as I gave her sixteen punches on the arm.

She was quick to return, hitting me even harder seventeen times as I screamed around the kitchen.

Laurel raised an eyebrow at us before giving us a group hug, "Happy birthday, beautiful girls."

"Did you call your mom?" Susannah asked as she plated some fruit.

"Yes, she was the first person I talked to."

"Your Minnie and Mickey Mouse pancakes are ready." Laurel smiled.

Belly looked at her mom for a moment, "I'm actually not that hungry..."

I looked at Laurel, "I'll take a pancake or two."

"Okay, how about presents?" Susannah asked.

"You're going to love mine." Jeremiah said, yet I don't know who he was talking to.

Conrad didn't say anything, eating his cereal in peace. He ignored me, but did wave hello to Belly.

Belly opened her present from her mom first. It was a beautiful book.

"It's a first edition. I got it from a rare book dealer." Laurel smiled.

We all noticed how Belly didn't have much emotion with the book, "Turn to the bookmarked page."

"That's the poem Susannah would repeat to us." I said, reading the page.

I grabbed the present that she had given me. I unwrapped it to reveal the most gorgeous cover I've ever seen on a book. It was Little Women.

"Oh, wow." I said, looking through the pages.

"Your mom said it reminded you of home."

I looked up to Laurel, "Thank you so much."

"Girls, open mine now!" Susannah squealed as she handed us our gifts.

Belly revealed a black velvet box, while I had a white one.

She opened hers, and a pearl bracelet was inside.

"Oh, wow." Belly exclaimed.

"These were pearls that my mom gave me for my sweet 16. Now Y/N, open yours."

I opened the box and there was a gorgeous pearl necklace.

"Those were also from my mom. She gave them to me when I was a debutante." She smiled as she admired Belly and I.

"Oh Y/N, I have another gift for you." Susannah said.

I looked at her, puzzled on why I would have two?

She handed me another box, this time it was a velvet red. I opened it and there was a golden chain with a sun in the middle. I immediately recognized it as a matching necklace, needing a moon on the other side.

"Isn't there supposed to be a moon as well?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, maybe someone else has it." Susannah shrugged. "I just thought it reminded me of you."

Jeremiah jumped up, "Ooh! I'm next."

He handed us his somewhat neatly wrapped gift.

Belly was given a charm in the shape of a key.

"It's for good luck. So you can pass your drivers test." Jeremiah smiled.

I opened mine revealing a golden bracelet with a heart charm.

"Thank you so much, Jere." I smiled.

"Think fast Y/N!" Steven said as he threw a present at me. He also threw one at Belly. "Open them at the same time!" He urgred.

We both ripped through the package, opening and unfolding a Princeton crewneck.

"Oh my god you actually got in!" I exclaimed as I ran to hug him.

"No, not yet." He smiled.

Laurel looked at Steven, "I didn't know you were still considering Princeton?"

"Well I'll probably get scholarships and Dad said I could get some financial aid." Steven explained.

The room got silent and tension was high.

"Uh Conrad, do you have a present for Belly and Y/N?" Susannah asked.

He passed Belly a black velvet bag. She opened it, taking out a silver infinity necklace.

His attention then turned to me, "Sorry, I forgot."

"Oh yeah, don't worry, it's cool. I wasn't expecting much anyway." I smiled, trying to actually hide how I felt.

It did hurt. He remembered Belly's birthday, yet he couldn't even remember mine. Which was the same day.

There was a lot of tension in in the room as everyone looked at each other.

"Uhm, so I have to go. I promised Cleveland that I'd show him some knots today."

I watched as he got up from his seat and left. I didn't want it to affect me, but it really did.

"Happy birthday Y/N, and Belly." He said.

"Why don't we go practice driving?" I asked Belly, trying to take my mind off of things. "So you can drive us to get Taylor as well."

She squealed excitedly, "Yes!"

I got up from my seat, heading over to go out the front.

"Hey Y/N?" Susannah called out.

I turned to her, "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Of course I am." I smiled reassuringly.

I sat in the passenger seat while Jeremiah sat in the back.

She made a sharp right and we all went flying.

"Whoops." She laughed.

"Dear god, Bells." I said as I held onto anything I could grab on to.

The bus pulled up as we stood there, waiting for Taylor to come out.

"You excited, Bells?" I asked.

"Yeah." She said, but I could tell there was a part of her that wasn't excited.

"Twenty-bucks she's gonna call Jere, Jeremy." I said.

The girl emerged from the bus holding a handful of balloons and a bag.

"Oh, my god!" Taylor exclaimed as her and Belly ran to each other.

"Taylor!" I said as I ran to hug her.

"Here, let me take that for you." Jeremiah said as he took her bags.

Taylor smiled looking up at Jeremiah, "Thank you, Jeremy."

I laughed at Jeremiah as he just stood there smiling.

"So, should we head home?" Jeremiah suggested.

"Ooh, actually, let's make a stop first." Taylor said, making eye contact with Belly and I.

We sat under an umbrella as Jeremiah placed down a banana split with three spoons for us.

Taylor dug in first, "I would literally eat this every day if I could."

She also pulled out a gift for Belly. And another for me.

"Oh wow, these are cute." I said as I opened my present, revealing a blue bikini.

"I know right, it's hot." She said.

Belly opened hers and it was a white bikini.

"Y/N?" Taylor called out as we hung out in the pool.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Where's Conrad?" She asked.

"Oh, I don't know." I shrugged, swimming over to Jeremiah and Steven.

After a couple of minutes in out own little groups, Taylor suggested to play chicken, which we all agreed to.

"Dibs on Jeremy." Taylor smiled as she made her way to Jeremiah

"Oh, great, that means I'm stuck with Steven." Belly said sadly.

"Wait, what about Y/N?" Jeremiah asked.

Belly looked at me, "Oh, do you want to go on Steven?"

"No it's fine, you guys can play." I said.

There was a few complaints from Belly and Steven about being each others partners, so Taylor and Belly switched.

"Okay, three, two, one, go!" I yelled as they began fighting in the water.

The fight lasted less than a minute with Taylor and Steven falling into the water.

"Woo!" Jeremiah and Belly exclaimed in excitement. I gave them both a high five.

On the other hand, Steven and Taylor were bickering about who's fault it was that they lost.

"Hey guys!" A familiar voice said.

I turned my head around and Nicole was walking through with Conrad.

"Hey, Nicole!" I said.

"Hi. Happy Birthday you two." She said. "Are you guys playing.. chicken?"

"Yeah, it was Taylor's idea." Belly said.

"Hey, I'm Taylor." Taylor said from behind Belly.

Belly smiled, "She's my best friend from home."

"Yeah, I'm just visiting for the weekend." Taylor added.

"Oh, that's cute." Nicole said.

"Do you guys wanna play a real game?" I asked.

Everyone in the pool said yes.

Jeremiah had helped me set up the net and then the games began. I was on the girls side and Nicole and Conrad sat on the edge of the pool, dipping their feet in the water.

The boys groaned 'No!' as us girls cheered for our point.

We did a couple more rounds, as we all laughed a lot. This was definitely one of my favorite summers. Being with everyone, like nothing ever happened.

"You're not ready." Taylor smirked to Steven.

"You're on."

Taylor hit the ball, and it swerved, hitting Nicole in the head.

"Ow." Nicole said.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." Steven said through in-between awkward laughs.

"Taylor." Belly said sternly before turning back to Nicole, "I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry. You guys keeping playing." Nicole said to us.

"Feel better Nicole!" I said as she began walking back into the house with Conrad.

Conrad stopped in his tracks, just looking down at me.

"Have fun playing." He said.

Dinner was just as I'd imagined. It was gorgeous and vibrant.

Susannah had made the girls all flower crowns as well, for Midsommar.

I sat in between Jeremiah and Conrad again, but we added another chair next to Belly, because Cam Cameron was here!

Throughout the dinner, Jeremiah kept question Cameron, making fun of him almost.

Somehow Jeremiah got on the talk about kissing dead animals and then kissing Cameron, which made me kick him hard in the shin.

"Ow." He exclaimed.

"Oh shut up."

"I don't mind at all, in fact-" Cameron said as he kissed Belly on the lips.

I'm not even joking. All of our mouths fell open.

From beside me, Steven and Jeremiah both pretended to retch.

"If you guys don't shut up." I said loudly over their obnoxious noises.

It got into our embarrassing moments throughout our childhood at the Fishers as well, but Conrad stayed silent the whole time.

"Hey, I was thinking. Maybe we should go out to Nicole's party?" I asked

"Yes!" Taylor and Belly exclaimed at the same time.

Conrad's eyes met mine for a second before dropping. He didn't seem happy with what I said.

I laid on Belly's bed, staring up at the cieling.

"I think Conrad still hates me." I stated.

Taylor and Belly turned to look at me.

"Why would you say that?" Belly asked.

'I don't know. When I brought up Nicole's' party, he just seemed to go quieter than normal.

Taylor laughed a little, "It's fine Y/N. He's just a dumb boy either way."

I sighed knowing she was right.

"Look at us," Taylor said as we looked in the mirror, "We're hot ass bitches."

She was in the hot pink mini dress, Belly was in a knit crochet top with beige pants, and I was in a halter white and blue top with jeans.

As soon as we walked into the party, a man came down the stair banister, wooing.

And then to the right of the house was what I'm guessing was a dining room. Lot's and lot's of cakes and desserts with 17 and 16 candles.

"Y/N, you guys came!" Nicole's voice said as she made her way through people.

I laughed a little, "Hi, Nicole! You look gorgeous." I said, hugging her.

"Me? Look at you. You look like a goddess."

Nicole lead us through the house and they followed behind. Well everyone but Taylor. She had decided to find a drink for herself.

"Guys, look who's here." Nicole said to the girls.

Nicole began lighting the candles.

"Is this for us?" Belly asked.

"Who else would it be for, Belly?" Nicole asked with a smile.

"Thank you, guys." Belly and I both had said.

"Okay, well, girls, make a wish." Nicole motioned towards the two cakes.

The topic with the group got onto Conrad and how he was.

"He's not talking to anyone else. He's usually just to himself." I said

"Okay well new topic." Nicole said, not wanting to talk about Conrad, "Have you asked anyone to the ball"

"Oh, no. I'm waiting for the right person." I said, giving Nicole a smile.

I looked past Gigi who was saying something to Belly about asking Cam to the ball. Anywho, past Gigi was Conrad. He was messing with his hair and he was laughing and smiling.

I couldn't even lie. He was attractive.

He made eye contact with me as he drank a large part of his beer.

I couldn't like him again though. But there was part of me that knew it could happen again. Susannah told me to believe in second chances.

I don't know what happened really. I was just watching the boys play their little ping pong drinking game and then Belly came out all mad.

"Hey, can we leave?" Belly asked Cameron.

"Oh yeah, yeah." Cameron said.

"Y/N, you need a ride home? I don't want to take you away from the party." Belly said.

"It's fine. I'll give her a ride home." Conrad jumped in.

I looked at him questioningly, but he didn't look back.

"See you later, Bells!" I called out to her as she began to leave.

Jeremiah looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Fill in for Cam Cameron please."

I rolled my eyes playfully at him, "Fine, scooch over."

After an hour or so, we all were ready to leave. By now I was drunker then I probably should've been. So drunk that Conrad had to help me to the car and into the car.

He sat in the drivers seat as I just stared at him.

"You're like the moon to my sun." I sighed, touching his hair.

He grabbed onto my hand, putting it back into my lap.

"Y/N, you're drunk." He said to me.

"Noo, you're drunk." I said to him, booping his nose.

I came down stairs the next morning. Jeremiah already in the kitchen, mixing himself up one of his smoothies.

"Hit me." I said to him as I groaned and propped my head on the table with my arm.

He laughed, splitting his smoothie with me.

"You drank a lot last night for such a small girl."

"I shouldn't have." I said, gulping down a large amount of the drink.

Belly came down the stairs soon, grabbing the box of cereal and pouring some in her mouth.

"I'm guessing you and tay-tay haven't made up yet?" I asked.

"No." Belly said with no emotion.

At the party, Steven and Taylor were making out and then Belly had walked in.

"You guys want to do a muffin run?" I asked.

"I'm always up for a muffin run." Jeremiah smiled. Belly also agreed.

"Can you get the keys from Conrad's room? Jeremiah asked.

I nodded, "Yeah sure. Is he home?"

"No, he dropped you off at home and then spent the night at Nicole's" Jeremiah explained.

"Oh um." I stammered, "Do you know where he keeps the keys?"

"Uh, they should be in his desk." Jeremiah said.

I never really was in Conrad's room often. But it didn't look much different than the last time I had seen it. It was obviously boat themed which was cute.

His drawers were messy inside. Nothing was organized and there were like 5 condoms.

There was also a black velvet pouch which I took out. Yes, I'm nosy, but I wanted to know what was inside.

I opened it and saw a moon bracelet.

I put the bracelet charm against my sun charm and it fit perfectly. What the hell was wrong with him?

When we went home, I drove Belly and Taylor to the bus stop.

I sat in the car with Belly as we watched Taylor wait in line for the bus.

"You're not going to say goodbye?" I asked her skeptically.

"I don't want to talk to her." Belly said, not making eye contact with me.

"Come on Belly, she's your best friend. She loves you, especially if she came out here just for your birthday."

Belly sighed, "Fine."

Once she came back in, she seemed mad, but I didn't care.

"I know i'm only a year older than you, but just take my wisdom for once." I joked, "Boys might come and go, but your best friend is once in a lifetime. You're lucky you have someone like Taylor. We never know what the future will hold, so you have to hold tight to that relationship."

Friends come and go. Boys come and go. But best friends stay. They're real. That's what I loved about the Fishers and Conklins. They were my best friends and they always stayed. Every single year.

[fictionallystable]

Rating: Mature

Fandom: Call of Duty (Video Games)

Relationship: Phillip Graves (Call of Duty)/Reader

Characters: Reader, Phillip Graves (Call of Duty), Original Male Character(s)

Additional Tags: Author Has Played Call of Duty, Childhood Friends, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, slight age gap, Civilian!Reader, Pre-Canon, Jealousy, Angst, Kissing, Time Skips, Slight OOC Graves, Brother's Best Friend.

Words: 1,990 | Chapters: 2/5

Authors: @orphancains & @collinnmckinley

Chapter 2: The Dinner.

Chapter Summary: Your parents invite Phil and his new pretty girlfriend to dinner, and things take a turn but not for the better.

A/N: Here we are, the next chapter. I hope you guys like it :).

the fic can also be found on AO3

tags will be updated!!

Phillip was already out the door after hanging out with Matty at his house all day. Usually, he expected to run into you and even let you watch as he and Matty played video games. Sometimes you would even jump in and play for one of them. But you were locked in your room the whole time he was there. Phillip figured it was just that you were studying like your dad wanted you to. But when he said goodbye to Matty and walked away from near your bedroom door, he noticed that that was when you unlocked your door. 

As he started walking toward his car, Phillip noticed that he’d left behind his copy of Madden in Matty’s room. Turning around, he cursed to himself. When he knocked on the door to your house again, this time your mother answered the door.

He gave her a stiff smile. “Hi, I just forgot one of my games in Matty’s room,” he said.

“Oh, I hadn’t even realized you’d left already, Phillip.” She glanced down at her watch. “It’s almost time for dinner. How come you’re not staying over? We’ve always got a spot for you at the table, as you know.”

Phil staying for dinner wasn’t unheard of. Usually his home was empty, and he’d end up ordering takeout on his dad’s credit card. But he was still testing the waters with a new girl he met, Marisa. And after his date with her the other day where they kissed after swimming, he thought maybe he could start taking things more seriously with her beyond a short summer fling.

He grimaced at your mother’s question. “Actually, I was going to have dinner with a friend of mine. Well, actually, she’s a girl I’m interested in.” He dug his nail into the palm of his hand when he realized what he’d said. Why couldn’t he just call Marisa his girlfriend? 

Your mom leaned against the door frame, eyes widened slightly as she understood what he said. “Oh, I see now. I can see why you’d—”

“Even better!” your dad emerged from behind your mother. He was a tall, looming man, always dressed in a suit from work and his skin taut always taut from grinning. “Maybe you having a girl over will finally convince Matthew to start looking for another girlfriend. And someone better than that other girl. Never liked her.”

Your mother scoffed at her husband.

Your dad continued, “Phil, by all means, bring the girl over. You don’t even have to stay long if you don’t want to.” 

Phil swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah sure I’ll—I’ll let her know she can come over.”

Your dad clapped his hands together proudly, while your mom retreated back into the house upon hearing this. “Fantastic!” he boomed.

You sat across from the dinner table from Phil and his new girlfriend. You tried not to stare, but peaked her a few seconds at a time to get a good look at her. She had long dark red, wavy hair that she wore in a messy, loose ponytail. Her eyes were green, her bands dusting her face just above them. Dark freckles littered across her otherwise pale nose and cheeks that she had painted with a noticeable blush. She could’ve been 16 to 18 years old, but you couldn’t tell. You’d never seen her before, aside from the brief moment at Phil’s pool. But she had to have gotten to know Phil from somewhere. 

They talked and chattered for the first ten minutes of dinner, your dad refusing to let any moment go by in silence. You’d learned she was planning to go to college to become a travel nurse to see the world. The two had met when she was walking. You wanted to roll your eyes at this, but instead silently listened and idly stabbed your steak with your fork.

You hoped and prayed that she would just ignore you, so that you could ignore her. But she had to start asking you questions.

“Phillip told me you draw,” she started with a small smile. “I tried drawing when I was really into cartoons when I was a little kid , but I stopped.” It didn’t escape you that she emphasized the word ‘kid’ as she spoke, you never liked it when people treated you as such so to say that you didn’t like the way she said it would be an understatement.

Without thinking, you narrowed your eyes into a glare but said nothing back. Phil furrowed his brow in confusion at seeing you turn so taciturn. He’d hoped you and Marisa would get along great, especially since she had little sisters of her own.

Right next to you, Matty noticed how tense you’d become. When he spoke to you alone before dinner, you were calm and otherwise happy. Yet, as soon as you took your seat across Phil and Marisa, you grew deadly quiet. “Yeah, actually, she’s an amazing artist,” he spoke up. “She doesn’t just draw either, right? She also is pretty good at painting.”

Marisa didn’t say anything in return. The silence grew thicker and more suffocating, but Matty kept on nervously rambling in hopes that someone else would speak.

“In fact! One of her artworks recently won an award. In this magazine—I think it’s called MUSE , right?” He looked over at you for an answer and you reluctantly nodded. He still beamed as he bragged about you.” She’s even going to get some scholarship money for it.” But at this you only pursed your lips and wished you could disappear from being in the dinner table’s spotlight.

From the corner of your eye, you could see your dad shifting uncomfortably. You’d purposefully avoided telling him about your art winning a prize. He thought you were totally devoted to your other school studies this summer. But Phil instead folded his arms on the table, his eyebrows raised in surprise. “That’s great! Congrats, Y/N.” 

When you didn’t reply to him, Phil continued. “Maybe you can show the drawing to Marisa and I to have a look at it?”

Marisa hummed. “I never heard of that magazine. Did a lot of other people also submit their work, or was it just kids?”

Without uttering anything, you stood up from your seat, the legs of the chair groaning loudly as you did. You wiped your hands with your napkin before tossing it onto your plate. Until now, you didn’t realize your hands were trembling from your ire. You’d barely touched the food on your plate, but you could not stand to sit there any more. You refused to look back at Philip, or Marisa, or even Matty for that matter. 

You could hear your mom, stunned at your behavior, calling for you as you stormed away. Matty rubbed his hand across his face in frustration, he understood your anger. It wasn’t just a drawing. It was an oil painting, something that you’ve been working hard to perfect, and he knew that Phillip flipping the conversation of your painting to   one about Marisa and him would annoy you. And Marisa’s question felt like a bomb had gone off in the middle of the dinner table. In the corner of your eyes as you walked off, you could see your mom burying her face in her hands, and your dad’s face was hard as stone with rage. You knew you’d get an earful tomorrow.

But at that moment, you didn’t care. Seeing how Marisa and the others saw you as nothing more than a child who drew dumb doodles, and hearing how Phil reacted to the news of your prize sent a bitter feeling rising up your throat to your mouth. In your room, you once again locked your door. This time you did not cry out in sobs like you had days before, but a few angry, rapid tears streamed down your face before you buried yourself under your bed sheets. 

Phil let out a sharp breath when he entered his car. He heard Marisa shut her door beside him as she entered too. He hadn’t imagined that dinner could go disastrous. Yet, here he was afterward with Marisa who also had permanent red blush across her cheeks from how riled up she’d gotten.

Before getting in the car, Marisa stayed inside the house talking to your mom about what sororities are worth looking into for college, while Matty and him lingered out in the front yard. Matty had never looked so serious to Phil, even though he’d known him since they were little kids. 

Phil drove silently, Marisa looking out the window of his car with hard eyes while she clutched tightly onto her purse from her nerves.

“God, that was something,” she breathed out, taking her red hair out of its ponytail and running her hand through it. “Not exactly what I imagined this night would go.”

Phil opened his mouth to speak, but Marisa continued. “Honestly, your friend Matty’s sister is such a little shit.”

Still driving, Phil felt the muscles in his shoulders constrict and his jaw clench. 

“Like, I tried being nice by talking to her about her drawings or whatever, but she was such a brat. I know she’s going through puberty and all, but— hello ? We all have to go through puberty. It’s not an excuse to be such a bi—”

Without letting her finish Phil turned quickly, slamming his foot on the brakes and stopping his car on the side of the road. He stayed still in his seat for a second before starting speaking to her with gritted teeth and voice so low she feared the worst. “Marisa, I swear to fucking god,” he took a deep breath before continuing “if you don’t stop talking about her like that, I’m going to veer us both off the damn road before you get home.”

Eyes wide and mouth ajar, Marisa clasped onto the window beside her in shock. When Phil turned to look at her, his eyes were hard and filled with what she could only describe as hatred in that moment. He breathed deeply again, pursing his lips and put his car slowly back into drive. The drive back was mainly quiet, aside from the sound of the car’s engine and the muffled music coming from passing cars. Phil couldn’t comprehend why he was feeling so angry, but then the words began to spill from his mouth without him realizing.

“She’s Matty’s sister,” Phil spoke with anger still lingering in his voice. “But I’ve known her for years, long enough that I know if she’s sad even if she doesn’t show it. That if she’s ever felt lonely, it becomes my responsibility to make her feel otherwise. We’re not related by blood, obviously, but what we have is beyond being related by blood. She’s my little sister. And I told you that before we even got in the car, but you clearly didn’t understand what I meant.”

Phil finally pulled up to her home, pulling in her driveway and parking the car. He thought the drive back would clear his mind, remind him that he still wanted to date her. But instead, he couldn’t look at Marisa without resentment and disgust clouding his vision.  

“I think it’s best that we stop seeing each other,” he muttered, loud enough for her to hear.

Marisa stiffened before finally nodding quickly, still shaken by his reaction. Unbuckling her seatbelt, she noticed Phil continued to avoid looking at her. 

Once she shut the door to his car, he breathed out before cursing to himself. He realized how tight his hands were around the steering wheel and attempted to loosen and move his fingers.

As he drove back home, he couldn’t help but feel more regret for tonight flooding him. He wanted to find a way to make it up to you.

[girlwiththeobsessions]

love sick, c. f.

previous part

you and conrad had a secret relationship two summers ago, when you were 15 and he was 16. you broke up with him because your younger sister, belly had liked him, and you were afraid of hurting her. now, flash forward, you were 17, and you thought you had gotten over him, but maybe you haven’t

vi. belly's birthday

TODAY WAS BELLY'S 16TH BIRTHDAY.

i had the day off from work, since it was her birthday.

laurel had breakfast on the table ready for belly, and susannah had gotten her baby blue and white balloons.

all of us were downstairs, waiting for belly, and finally, she came downstairs.

"morning, everyone!" belly said with enthusiasm.

"there's the birthday girl!" susannah hugged her. "looking like a vision in floral. happy birthday!

jeremiah leaned down to hug belly. "happy sweet sixteenth bells."

"belly's getting old finally!" steven teased. "happy birthday.

"happy birthday sweetheart." laurel hugged her with a warm smile.

belly laughed. "thanks everyone."

i hugged belly. "happy birthday, belly. mom made your pancakes."

"actually, uh- i'm not really hungry." belly told me and laurel.

"oh." laurel said, but i knew she was disappointed.

"shall we open gifts?" susannah shrugged.

"you're gonna love mine." jeremiah confidently told her.

one thing i did notice though, was conrad hadn't said happy birthday.

we went into the living room, to open gifts, belly had opened her gift from laurel, and it was a book.

"it's the latest edition." laurel spoke up. "i got it from a rare book dealer."

"thanks mom." belly said with no enthusiasm.

laurel rolled her eyes with a smile. "turn to the book marked page."

belly obliged. "oh, yeah i remember susannah telling us to recite this." belly laughed, all of us reciting the sentence.

"open mine now, belly." susannah handed her a gift.

belly opened the gift, and it was a pearl necklace. "oh wow, they're gorgeous, thank you, susannah."

susannah went over to belly, to put the necklace on her. "my mom gave me these pearls for my sweet sixteen."

"they look great on you, belly." i smiled at her.

"oh! i'm next." jeremiah gave a gift to belly.

"it's a good luck charm. to help you pass your drivers test." belly put the charm on her wrist.

"perfect. thank you."

steven threw a shirt at belly. "think fast!"

"wow steven! i can't believe you actually spent money on me." she sarcastically smiled.

it was a princeton shirt. "relax, i just didn't want you stealing mine when i get in next year."

"i didn't know you were still considering princeton." laurel said.

"you know, i think i'm gonna apply for some scholarships, and dad thinks i can get some financial aid." steven told her.

i went over to belly, handing her my gift, with a smile. "open it."

belly tore off the wrapping, opening the gift to see keys.

"what are these?" she asked with a smile.

"car keys. with the help of susannah, once you pass your drivers test, there's a car waiting for you, it's at home." i explained.

belly's jaw dropped. "y/n! thank you so much!" she went to hug me.

i laughed and hugged her back. "you're welcome."

"conrad, do you wanna give belly her gift?" susannah asked.

conrad stayed silent for minute before responding. "sorry, i forgot."

my heart shattered when i looked to belly, seeing her smile drop, her looking so sad. how could he forget?

"uh- that's cool." belly played it off. "i wasn't really expecting anything anyway."

"listen.. i gotta go." conrad broke the tension. "i promised cleveland i show him some knots today, so.. happy birthday belly."

"hey." jeremiah called to belly. "why don't we take my car and practice driving before we have to pick up taylor from the bus stop.

"okay." belly agreed. "y/n, wanna come?" belly asked me.

"no, you two go ahead, i have.. something to do."

i got up, going the same direction conrad went.

i had caught up to conrad, grabbing his shoulder, causing him to spin around, facing me.

"really? you forgot?" i asked with anger in my voice.

i was going to take a more.. calm approach, but i was just so angry, my emotions got the better of me.

"well-" he began to speak, but i already know whatever he was going to say was going to be stupid, so i just cut him off.

"listen, i don't know what the hell's going on with you, but you've been acting like an asshole." i insulted.

he rolled his eyes at me. "grow up." this wasn't the same conrad i had seen last summer, i looked into his eyes, he had no remorse for what he said. "i forgot a gift one year."

"it's not just that!" i was starting to lose my patience with him, using my hands to emphasize my point while i spoke. "you've been- just been a dick since we've gotten here! you weren't always like this."

"oh, so now suddenly you care? didn't seem like you did two summers ago." conrad stared coldly into my eyes.

are you serious? he wanted to do this?

"seriously?" i blinked a few times before speaking again, and i scoffed. "you wanna go there?"

conrad sighed, he could probably sense as well that this was starting to escalate. "just forget it."

"fine." i simply said, before walking away, leaving him there.

how could he say that i don't care about him? when that's all i've done for him.

TWO SUMMERS AGO

me and conrad were at the beach, there were so many stars in the sky, and it was pitch black outside.

we both couldn't sleep, so we had decided to go the beach.

"can't sleep?" he asked, seeing me downstairs.

i turned around to see it was him, a smile appearing on my face. "nah."

he motioned his head at the door, basically silently asking me if i wanted to leave. i nodded my head, putting on my shoes.

we were at the shallow part of the water, the water going up to my knees.

i looked at the sky, he glanced at me. "what do you see up there?"

"a star shaped like a bunny." i joked. "you see it?"

"yeah." he said, and i started to laugh.

"you liar." i splashed him with water.

his body turned to me and he splashed me back.

we kept on splashing each other, and i kept laughing.

he had grabbed my wrist to get me to stop splashing him, pulling me close to him.

i stopped splashing him, looking into his blue eyes, and he looked into my eyes.

he took the hand off my wrist and cupped my cheek, i looked down at his lips, getting more and more nervous by each second.

he started to lean in, and then he kissed me. i kissed him back. i couldn't help it.

i knew if belly found out, she'd probably hate me, she liked conrad since she was little, but i just couldn't help myself.

END OF FLASHBACK

ੈ✩‧₊˚ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ੈ✩‧₊˚

END OF CHAPTER

[bereft-of-frogs]

since it is the last Sunday of Acolyte theorizing and I don't want to go get ready for the work week, here are my collected remaining questions / mysteries, thoughts, and whether I think they're likely to be solved in the finale, left up to interpretation, or saved for next season:

Is Qimir a Sith? Was he really once a Jedi? How old is he? How did he discover the cortosis mine? Who was the master who 'threw him away'? Likely Resolution: Saved for Season 2. I think most of the Sith stuff will be reserved for a season 2, if they get one. Allegedly his character was really only supposed to appear in season 2 but they moved some things up, so I'm comfortable saying most of the Sith stuff will end up being the 4-5 mysteries left on the table for future exploration.

How did Mae survive the fall? What has she been doing for 16 years, aside from training with Qimir? Likely Resolution: Solved in Finale. Confident this one will at least get a sentence or two explanation. Now that we've seen that Sol really does think Mae is dead, I can't imagine he won't ask how tf she survived.

What happened to Koril? What's she been up to? Likely Resolution: Solved in Finale, related to above. Honestly, I'm pretty convinced at this point that Koril survived, saved and raised Mae, until Mae decided to go make a deal with the Sith for additional training. Not sure we're going to get details but I'm pretty sure she'll at least show up.

Why did Mae think Osha was dead? Likely Resolution: Probably left to interpretation. But also I bet she was told Osha was dead either by Koril in the same way that Obi-Wan told Luke Anakin was dead in the OT (dead to them, beyond help), or to keep her focused on her training and her anti-Jedi mission.

How did Aniseya create the girls, and why was Koril so afraid of the Jedi finding out? Likely Resolution: Possibly left vague or for season 2, if it's Sith related. We know it definitely had something to do with the vergence, it was mostly Aniseya's doing, and Koril was very afraid of the Jedi finding out. My theories on this are either 1) it was a deal with the Sith. The Sith want to create life and they collaborate on an experiment with Aniseya. We know from other media and also confirmed by Indara/the Council's insistence on noninterference, that the Jedi don't actually care about other Force sects in the galaxy...with one big exception. Koril might be afraid they're about to uncover something that takes the vibe from 'live and let live' to a much more serious conflict. The Sith presumably would also be pretty pissed if the coven blew a thousand years of secrecy. And 2) the coven might be possessive of the vergence, if it's giving them power, and not want the Order to discover it so they could keep it for themselves. A bit weaker, but the coven might not realize the Jedi already suspect the vergence exists.

What IS the vergence? Likely Resolution: Maybe mentioned? Maybe not? I don't know I just really liked people speculating that the vergence is BOTH the Bunta tree and the spooky dark hole, would fit into the dyadic themes.

What are the origins of the Brendok coven and what did they do to get themselves exiled? Likely Resolution: Unresolved. There's the slightest chance they'd tie this explanation to what Aniseya did to create the girls but I bet they're not going to want to lock themselves into an explanation and will leave it up to interpretation. I'm not sure I even have theories, I could see it going a whole bunch of ways. People are going to come up with their own headcanons probably.

Why is Vernestra so afraid of a Senatorial audit? Likely Resolution: Left for season 2 / Hinted at. I think they might mention it a little bit, but I wouldn't be surprised if they leave it up in the air. Honestly, I sort of hope they do, personally I think it would be wise, because that would allow the books to wrap up and give us a better picture of Vernestra's position at the end of the Nihil crisis. I have my own book-related theories as to why she's so suspicious of the Senate (given where Temptation of the Force left off, I think the Senate is going to sell the Jedi out to work with Marchion Ro for the cure to the blight. This would also dig into her issues with Elzar, since he's the main liaison to the Senate and they've got a lot of unresolved issues. Feeling decent about it ending well though, he still hasn't given her Stellan's lightsaber and that feels like something that would happen at the resolution of their issues). I also would buy that she's starting to see into the future, maybe this is the new topic of her hyperspace visions, and is reluctant to let them be drawn in politically (all her 'something to turn the tide' stuff suggests she's sensing the growing darkness).

Did Indara know Mae was alive / how did Torbin know Mae was alive? Likely Resolution: Left up to interpretation. *Also technically includes 'Did Kelnacca know Mae was alive?' but we just have so little to go off of with that one, we do at least have Indara and Torbin's reactions to Mae. Up until the second flashback, I would have phrased this 'how did they both know Mae was alive' but I am no longer convinced that Indara did. It's possible Indara had no idea until she saw the mark on Mae's forehead and was just doing some very quick panic processing, which could have contributed to turning the tide of the fight. She's no longer focused, Mae can use the dirty trick with the bartender to catch her out. Obviously Torbin knew before Mae actually showed up (he calls her by the correct name, confirmed via CCs ), but they don't specify how long he's known. His 'I've been waiting for you, Mae' could mean he's known from the start and been waiting for 16 years. It could mean the 10 of the Barash Vow, maybe something happens and he finds out which contributes to his decision to take the Vow. But I've always had on my theory list that he'd seen Indara's death in the Force and that's how he knew Mae was alive and probably coming for him next. I think they'll probably leave this one up to us, considering the 3 murdered Jedi's narratives aren't really front and center, I think that ambiguity was just to add to the mystery around the flashback.

How did Torbin make master so quickly? Likely resolution: this is barely a question. This just keeps coming up on Reddit, especially from people who are still convinced 'to become a master you have to graduate an apprentice to knighthood' is hard canon. (Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't even remember where that comes from, but I'm fairly certain you don't need to have had an apprentice to be elevated to master. Or else Anakin's anger at not being elevated in RotS doesn't really make sense, if he knows he hasn't fulfilled an essential requirement, and Elzar's elevation is a big plot point in the books and he doesn't ever mention an apprentice, nor does Avar.) My personal headcanon is 'overcompensation and burnout.' Becomes an overachiever to try to make up for what happens. Given that they lied, the Order sees nothing but a model Jedi, and keeps rewarding that behavior while he tries to hide the cracks, until it all catches up to him. Alternatively, he's not 'really' a master, and it's just parlance, or there's some sort of ceremonial elevation for special circumstances like the Barash Vow. Nonissue, it's just come up a couple times.

Why did Osha leave the Order? + Why did Indara advocate for her to leave? Likely resolution: might be mentioned, might be left on the 'because I failed' line. I made a longer post about this one, but there are a few possibilities. I don't think they're going to explain it, just allow the audience to believe it was about not being able to let go of her anger at Mae, but if it ends up being my weird 'push-pull, when one twin gains power the other loses it' theory, they might address it.

WHAT AM I MISSING? Any final questions left on the table? Send them to me! I have had so much fun theorizing, I only wish this was longer. I keep joking that in a better timeline there's a 12 episode version of this show but it is not actually that much of a joke lol, it would have really been something if it had been allowed to develop the characters a little deeper and let some things breathe over a longer season.

My final prediction still stands: Sol is going down for training Mae, the deaths of the team of Khofar, and at this point probably the Brendok coven as well, since it's going to look like he took out Indara, Torbin, and Kelnacca to keep them quiet. And sorry, I highly doubt he's going to live out the finale. I think he's going to have a final confrontation with the twins, and Osha is going to kill him in an emotionally charged moment. If he was alive to provide testimony, that's problematic for the Sith, but dead he makes an extremely convenient scapegoat. Bazil has also seen a LOT of things out of context on board the ship leaving Khofar, I think his testimony could be damning. Sol's done a bunch of suspicious things, like when he didn't include himself on the list of targets during the meeting, failing to apprehend Mae, (seemingly to Vernestra) lying about Mae's death, Kelnacca didn't seem to put up a fight suggesting he may have known his attacker, turned off his transponder and disobeyed an order to remain, etc etc.

This is the solution to the riddle 'how to kill a Jedi without a weapon', destroying their legacy. Or, the riddle could have multiple solutions, it could also refer to Osha going full Sith. My only issue with the 'Sol is framed' theory is that there seems from leaks to be a formal funeral, which wouldn't necessarily happen if they thought Sol was a rogue Jedi or Sith. But possibly the Order will keep up Sol's good name for outsiders, and this is just what convinces the Council that there still aren't any real Sith out there. Funeral could also possibly be a collective one for everyone else who died.

I think Qimir and Osha are for sure going to live, I'm slightly on the fence about Mae but I'm leaning toward 'also survive'. I am 100% (ok I'll keep it at 90%) sure Koril is alive and shows up at some point. Leaks say there are a couple significant cameos, I'm guessing Sith pulled from Legends books or long-lived High Council members.

Will add on if anything comes to me in the next couple days but it's been nice theorizing with you all! I don't know what I'm going to do after this, wait for Tears of the Nameless to come out. Or, I guess, think about something else? Crazy.

[britts-galaxy-brain]

TW - Ablest, Infantilism, Co-Dependency, Cussing

Lily created new ocs and already I don't like it. It focuses on the dynamic between Iris Morgan, a 16-year-old girl who is selectively mute, and her sister Kiera Morgan, a 15-year-old girl who is the only one that can understand Iris. When I said Kiera understands her, I am literally the only one that understands her also like she can read her mind. And Iris, despite being a year older than Kiera, is kind of written to be childlike and heavily depends on Iris.

In Iris and Keira - Sandcastle, Iris and Keira are at the beach making a perfect sandcastle. Iris simply looks at Keira and immediately, Keira knew she is asking for a camera. Like, there weren't any hints or indication that Iris wanted a camera and somehow Keira manages to read her mind. (Iris could have taken a stick and written CAMERA on the sand, signed the word camera, mouth the word camera, or even point at the camera). Then, their father Nathan Morgan stopped Keira from getting the camera. Keira told her father that Iris wanted to camera, but Nathan said, "She can't talk, and you just put words in her mouth to get what you want." (WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE CAN'T TALK, MOUTHING/SIGNING/WRITING WORDS COUNTS AS TALKING?!!). So, Nathan went up to Iris and asked to her if she wanted to camera. Iris nodded in respond. Nathan then asked her, "what's the magic word?", expecting a verbal respond. (The first introduction to a male character and he's already ablest from the get-go) Iris just tilts her head and Keira goes, "See, she said it". And somehow, it worked. Thanks to Keira's mind reading powers and her +7 persuasion.

In Iris and Keira - Stare, Iris is described to be "unresponsive, uncommunicative, you could have been forgiven for thinking she was dead most of the time." And how Iris, "...Barely responded or reacted to anyone and stonewalled anyone who tried to talk to her". (Is this Lily's attempt at coding Iris as an autistic individual? Like, she could have written Iris as being distant, uninterested in any topic brought about by any other people, or a quiet person who keep to themselves. Instead, Lily writes Iris like she is disturbed teen.) Iris is only like this towards anybody, except with Kiera who truly understands her. So much so, that "whenever Kiera sat down with them, it was like someone had flipped a switch and Iris and expressive and gestured emphatically".

Alicia Bailey, sister of Larisa Bailey, enters the scene and proceeds to call Iris a creep while Keira defends her. (Larisa Bailey is Kiera Morgan's girlfriend). Alicia told Keira, "Have you ever considered that maybe your sister is a little-", then proceeds to mine "a guitar motion with her hands" while saying "Ring-a-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning-ning". (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! WHAT. DOES. THIS. MEAN?! IS LILY MAKING UP NEW SLURS). So, like the bad*ss Keira is, she proceeds to crack a glass soda bottle over the side of Alicia's head, then called her a bitch. (Remember, she physically assaulted her girlfriend's sister in public. There's no detail where this takes place, but I'm going to assume it's a school setting. Also, why is no one reacting to a teen girl physically assaulting another teen girl. Where is the school's security in all of this?)

Keira casually walked towards Iris's table and asked if Alicia was giving her trouble. Iris responded by shrugging, then "wiggled her hand". (WIGGLED HER HAND. Lily, the ASL sign language for NO is opening index finger, middle finger, and thumb and tap them together with your thumb. YOU CAN LITERALLY GOOGLE IT). Kiera then explained to Iris that Alicia had said some terrible things about her. Iris tilts her head in response, and like the mind reader Kiera replied back to her, "Not sure, it could have gone either way". (COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY - WHAT SPECIFIC QUESTION DID IRIS ASKED TO GAIN THAT REPONSE?! AND ALL FROM IRIS SIMPLING TILTED HER HEAD?!). As they continued their "conversation", Iris furrowed her brows. This caused "Kiera's eyes to widened at that and she placed a finger against Iris' lips." "Hey! None of that talk! It's not our fault Alicia's being weird," kiera said. (Jesus, Kiera. That's very ablest of you to tell a selective mute not to verbally speak in a very supportive sister way. Also, it's weird how Iris's younger sister just protects her, is the only one who understands her, literally speaks for her, and is willing to kill for her. Truly, a normal healthy sister relationship. Definitely not an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, where a disabled person is being infantized by her younger sister.)

No commentary, the direct quote speaks volumes.

"Iris smiled. Through her entire life, she'd been haul in and out of doctors and counsellors by her fathers, trying to find the root cause of her lack of speech. Everyone from her parents, to her teachers to her peers tried to get her to talk, or sign, or write on a board. Anything other than simply be quiet and be by herself. She didn't understand it. It's not like she was bothering anyone. It had only made her less willing to interact with others".

"Kiera was the lone exception. Kiera could always infer what Iris was thinking, never asked her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with, and actively intruded on people trying to force words out of Iris' mouth. Everyone else wanted Iris to make herself easier to understand. Kiera was the only one who tried to understand her as she was. "

The fanfic ends with Iris reaching towards her sister and placing a hand on her shoulder. As she smiles at her, Kiera smiles back and said, "Love you too".

Overall score 2/10.

One point for creating a disabled character. One point in having a "supportive" sister.

Minus eight points for: infantizing disable character, poorly researched selectively mute characters, created a co-dependency between sisters, having a character handling the situation with unnecessary violence, not giving indication that the sisters are bi-racial despite outside source say they are bi-racial, having a bi-racial character physically assaulting the only black character introduced in the fanfic, failing to indicate that Alicia is black despite outside source say she is black, and failing to make the communication between the sisters clear enough for readers to understand.

There is...so much to unpack here...and I do not have the mental energy to do it..

[yo-yo-yeonkai]

PAGES OF OUR YOUTH - CHOI YEONJUN - SFW

Choi Yeonjun x Fem!reader

Genre: Fluff

Warning list: Childhood bestie! Yeonjun, non-idol AU!, a slow burn, possessiveness, misunderstanding, they are both so clueless it hurts, underage drinking, alcohol, parties, swears, not proofread entirely, let me know if I missed any,

Word count: 14,070

Summary: You both kept dairies growing up and reading them now shows the desperate yet beautiful love story you had… who knew two people could view things so differently.

A/N: All of (Y/N)'s writing will be in italics with a pink date, whilst Yeonjun's will have a blue date, Anything their daughter says or is current time will be in bold

Extra: I’m sorry this is so long… it is interesting though, I promise!!!!

Happy Birthday Yeonjun <3

Fuck it was dusty up here, how dare Dad send her up here, she was practically choking on the air. Smelled old…like him, she laughed at her own jokes and kept searching for it. Why did she have to ask dumb questions….

A few days ago, she asked ‘’some parents have a box of their child’s things, do you have one for me?’’, and to that, her dad said, ‘’yeah, if you want it, it’s in the attic with a pink lid, it has your name on it. it’s easy to find’’.

Her dad offered to go and get it at that point, but she said no. God how she wished she’d said yes... this was unbearable.

It was clean up here but somehow dusty as fuck, the light shone over all the specs, and she could clearly tell which things had been moved more recently than others. She found the box, among other boxes. One said her mum’s name and one her dad’s name… cool they have childhood boxes too…

Let's see how ugly they were as children!

But what met her was much more confusing, it was a letter, from her mum to her dad, it was in her dad’s box. And the next one was, and each one had a date…

Oooo, what if she was to line them all up in timeline order? She was going to… because she was curious! But first, she had to clean this room and get her bean bag up here. That is how the 18-year-old dove into her parent's memories, not so accidentally finding out all about their relationship.

Once each note or letter was lined up in the folder of a book, and she acquired her parent's childhood diaries from the bottom of their boxes, she began flicking through them.

2005, September, 5

School today! It was okay. Beth tried to take my snack. She is mean! The teacher told her off. Mum says good. So do I. New boy in school. He wasn’t here last time. Where did he come from? I don’t remember his name. he looked weird.

2005, September, 5

School started. It was a new one. I don’t like it. nobody spoke to me. This girl got a bully told off. That was cool. I think her name was (Y/N). She seemed smart.

2005, September, 7

New boy lives next door! Mum made me say hello. I said no. but she never hears me. She must not like me. I love my mum. She must hate me. I feel sad. I still don’t know his name. he didn’t say hello. He must hate me. Now I’m sadder.

2005, September, 7

(Y/N) is my neighbour. She came over with her parents. I got scared because she is cool. She said hi. I didn’t. I’m mean. She probably thinks I’m stupid.

2005, October, 16

Mum keeps making me go to his house. I don’t want to speak. Not to him. He looks at me weird. He must hate me to the max. Mum says no. She is a liar. His parents are nice. Not as good as mine. Good. My mum and his mum are friends. Just like me and Hana. Good. Mum should have friends as well.

2005, October, 21

They keep coming to my home. Mum and Dad say it is because we are friends. I didn’t know. Me and her are friends? ok.

2005, November, 19

New boy stayed in his room when we came over. His mum said he was sick. She lied. I could hear him singing. It was good. I like singing too. Maybe we can be friends. I’m bad at singing. He will think I suck. We can’t be friends.

2005, November, 19

They are at my house now. I locked myself in my room. Mum told me to come out or (Y/N) wouldn’t want to be my friend. I don’t care. She scares me. She is quiet at school but loud with her parents. She must be a transformer or something weird. I’ll block her out with my singing.

2005, December, 17

Nearly Christmas! So excited! Mum told me to give Yeonjoon something. I asked Mum his name. I had to write it on a card. He is Yeonjoon. I don’t know what to get him. We aren’t even friends. He is just a weirdo. Maybe he’d like a rock as well? Do all kids like them? Hana doesn’t. But I do! Yeonjoon probably won’t.

2005, December, 21

Christmas. I can’t wait to get new toys. Dad made me sign a card for (Y/N). ok. Mum said I should pick her a flower for Christmas. There are no flowers around. I looked. Mum must have meant it as a joke. I should’ve laughed instead of being serious.

2005, December, 25

Yeonjoon’s family is coming over today. I don’t want them to. This day is meant to be for my family! Not other families. Mum says I should spend time with people I like. I told her I didn’t like him. She told me that was mean. Oh well. I must go now. The doorbell is ringing.

I’m back. I showed Yeonjoon Yeonjun my rocks, he didn’t care. I knew I shouldn’t have offered him one. He took it anyway. It was the small one, named Sam. I liked that one. I hope he doesn’t lose it.

2005, December, 25

Christmas today. I just opened all my presents. I got so many cool things. Mum told me to get ready because we are going to (Y/N)’s house after lunch. I decided not to fight it. Today should be happy. So I will be.

I’m home. We went to (Y/N)’s house. Food was yummy. (Y/N) spelt my name wrong on the card, so I corrected her. She seemed sad. I was sad she spelt it wrong. I got hers right.

We went to her room to play. She collects rocks. That’s not normal. She gave me one as a gift. It was weird but I picked one. The smallest one so she wouldn’t get sad. She called it Small Sam. It was funny that it had a name. I’ll keep him in my bedside table, so I don’t lose it. first Christmas gift I got from a friend.

2006, January, 29

I know Yeonjun lost Sam, he’s not in Yeonjun’s room. my small rock baby died. Because of Yeon-poop-jun. I hate him.

2006, January, 29

She was mad today. She was looking all around my room. I asked her what she wanted. She said she was only looking. Weird girl. It was kind of funny. I hope she wasn’t judging.

2006, April, 2

Yeonjun came over again today, he brought Sam. We played with rocks. He even went to the garden and found his own rock. Why is he nice? I’m sorry Yeonjun for thinking you killed Sam. I’m glad you like rocks as well.

2006, April, 2

I went to (Y/N)’s house because I was bored. Mum told me I should see if she wanted to play. So I brought Small Sam because I know she likes rocks. She was happy. We played rocks. She had more rocks to play with than me. I went to her garden and found my own one. I named him Gerard. Seemed right. I had fun even though they were rocks.

2006, June, 14

I had a thought when I was playing with Gerard and Sam. What if (Y/N) is poor and has no money for toys? That would be sad. I told Mum we should get her something. She said no. That (Y/N) had toys. She just likes rocks. Odd.

2006 July, 22

I have nobody to play with apart from Poop-Jun. Summer is boring. I wish my friend lived as close as Yeonjun. then I could play with them. Yeonjun is boring now. He got annoyed with my rocks. I thought he liked them. If he was a rock I’d put him in the toilet and flush it.

2006, July, 22

I went to (Y/N)’s. I was trying to see if she had toys. Mum says she does. I’m not sure. I asked if we could play with something that isn’t rocks. She got sad. I didn’t mean to make her sad. I was just checking if she was poor. If she was. I’d give her a toy. She got mad that I wouldn’t play rocks and kicked me out.

2006, September, 4

I didn’t speak to Yeonjun all summer after the rock thing. I saw him in school today. He has glasses now. He looks silly. I wanted to laugh but I knew I shouldn’t. I kept my head in my book all day.

2006, September, 4

(Y/N) still seemed mad about the rocks when we went back to school. I hoped she wasn’t. I feel bad that she does. She laughed at my glasses. On purpose to get back at me. Mum said I had to keep my glasses. But I hate them now. I don’t want her people to make fun of me.

2006, October, 31

Me and Yeonjun went trick-or-treating together. It was fun. He was a pirate. I was a princess. Our mum’s made us match. We looked good. I had pink hair spray. I looked pretty.

2006, October, 31

Halloween. (Y/N) was a princess. She had pink hair. I thought only adults could have coloured hair. Her mum told me it was fake. I asked if it was a wig. She told me no and showed me it was a spray. She asked me if I wanted some. I did. I got a streak of pink. (Y/N) told me it was pretty. She called me a princess. I was a pirate. But ok.

2007, February, 9

Mum told me Yeonjun and I are two peas in a pod. What does that mean? Peas are gross. Are we gross? Maybe he is but I am not. How mean!

2007, February, 21

Mum said me and (Y/N) are like magnets that could stick together but chose not to. She explained it to me. It was confusing. Magnets have two poles. If you put opposite poles against each other they join. If you put the same poles together they push apart. Is she saying I push (Y/N) apart? Do I need to spin around? I don’t get it.

2007, May, 7

Me and Yeonjun don’t speak in school. Isn’t that weird? Are we friends? I don’t know. But every time I hear a fun song I write it down and put it in his letterbox. I hope he likes it. He likes singing.

2007, June, 29

I was walking home today and I saw a rock. I thought it looked like a heart and I thought of (Y/N). She would like that rock. So I kicked it home and left it near her front gate. Hopefully she will see it and like it. I thought it was cool.

2007, June, 30

You won't believe it! I found the cutest rock ever today. It was near my house's front gate. It looks like a heart. When I looked up I saw Yeonjun with his head out of the door watching me. I decided I’d call it Yeonjun. it seemed fitting. He shouldn’t have been watching if he didn’t want me to use his name. hehehehe!

2007, June, 30

OMG! She just picked up the rock and saw me. She smiled at me. Does she know it was me? Oh no. wait. Maybe that isn’t bad.

2007, August, 1

I heard Yeonjun singing one of the songs I suggested today. So I asked how he knew it. I hoped he didn’t know it was me. He said his parents write notes for him to suggest him songs. He says the songs are good. That’s good! Because it isn’t his parents. It’s me!

2007, August, 1

(Y/N) complimented the song I was singing today. I’ll have to thank Mum and Dad for suggesting it. she seemed happy that she knew the song. Note to self: It’s one of her favourites.

She closed the diaries and sighed, ‘’Dad, that note to self was not helpful. How am I meant to know what song was Mum’s favourite? Grandma and Nana were doing all the work, goddam. Going to have to make a few phone calls after this. God, they were so clueless back then. Dad clearly likes her!’’. The slow-burn love story was driving her crazy, but she was invested. How did her parents fall in love? This would be the perfect inspiration for her creative writing project.

She picked up the next diaries, it looked like they were in secondary school now.

2010, September, 4

Looks like me and Yeonjun are still going to the same schools, how annoying. I thought I would finally be able to escape him, but I was dreadfully wrong. Yeonjun’s mum told me about us being magnets yesterday. She is clearly crazy. Me and Yeonjun aren’t even the same creation. He is cool and talented, and I’m just me. Was she just trying to show off her son and make me feel bad? Probably not, but it worked.

2010, September, 10

Apparently, the school want us to keep diaries, so we can stay in touch with ourselves and our mental health. Bullshit if you ask me. But whatever. I like writing, but when I’m forced to like this, it makes me want to shove a pen in my eye. Same way seeing (Y/N) at school does. She’s always around me, I feel like we are joined! I just want to grab a pair of scissors and cut the thread connecting us!

WAIT…. NOOOOO! I just made myself think about the red thread of fate! Oh, fuck no! Brb, going to die.

2010, November, 13

Yeonjun is so popular at school that it hurts. I used to be the only one that knew he was talented, but now it's different. He wants the whole school to know so he can climb the social ladder. What a bitch. He’s just rubbing it in my face that I’m not cool, I’m just a nerdy quiet girl. Well, fuck him!

2010, November, 27

(Y/N) was in the library again today, I could see her as I left to go to the field. She’s always in there. Maybe I could convince her to come and play with me? I doubt it. she hates talking to me at school. Fine, whatever she wants…

2010, December, 24

Yeonjun won’t be here this Christmas, he’s gone to spend it with more family. It’s weird knowing he won’t be coming for dinner, he has been since we were 6, we are 12 now. OH, MY GOD, I’ve known him for 6 years. GROSS!

2010, December, 24

(Y/N) told me to have a nice time visiting my family when I saw her earlier, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. Maybe she feels the same way I do. I love my family but, in a way, (Y/N) and her family became part of my Christmas. We’ve spent 6 Christmases together, it will feel wrong without her, I know that much.

2010, December, 25

Christmas was great, in a way it was peaceful without Yeonjun around. But I'm not sure if I like that or not yet. It felt a little dull without him, but I still had fun. I felt really close with Mum and Dad today, it hasn’t been like this in years.

2010, December,25

It sucks here! Not even my cousins could make me feel better. I want to go back home. I should be happy… I haven’t seen my family all together like this in years. But thoughts of (Y/N) keep coming to mind, and I miss her. I hope she’s at least had a nice Christmas. I’ll call her later, so I know she isn’t bored without me.

2011, January, 1

Happy New Year! Yeonjun came last night and surprised me and my family. It was nice, so nice I forgot to write about it. I’m glad I got to speak to him in person again because his calls every evening got boring. He danced and sang a lot last night, he made all the grown-ups laugh. I wish I could bring joy to people like that. I’m jealous.

2011, January, 1

It’s the new year now. Mum told me to make a resolution. I told her I did, but I'm a stinking liar. I know I’m not going to stick to that. Perhaps I should make it something like ‘’call (Y/N) every night to annoy her’’ or maybe something useful like ‘’sign up to dance club’’. Maybe the last one is smart. I don’t like the other one, I don’t want to annoy (Y/N), she’ll only start hating me.

2011, March, 30

Yeonjun started doing dance club recently, and now he’s always late home and late places. I heard our mums talking about it. I couldn’t imagine being late for anything. He's got too much on his plate, he's out of touch with what he's capable of.

2011, April, 7

(Y/N) told me I should start being on time for things today. All because I was late to school and then late to her house after club. It’s not my fault I’m tired and busy. She’s not my mother! She’s got big boots because she does every piece of homework the day it's set and hands it in early. I must be stupid in her eyes. It’s not that I can’t do it… I just can’t time myself well.

2011, May, 18

Rumour got around at school quickly that Yeonjun finally got a detention for his tardiness. I want to say good, but I feel kind of bad. I know he works hard he just can’t organise himself. All he needs is someone to keep him on track. Maybe I’ll message him something like ‘’Do you need my help. We can Facetime and talk about the homework the night it's set, and both get it done together’’. Yeah, that seems nice, I'll message that.

Oooo, he responded. He took me up on my offer. He wants to call now so I’ll go. Time to be a hero…

2011, May, 29

Thank God for (Y/N)! ever since she started helping me, I can control myself a bit better. My homework gets handed in on time and because I’m less stressed, I sleep better, which means I wake up on time for school. She’s a blessing, isn’t she? A little time angel.

2011, July, 6

I regret saying I'd help Yeonjun. he started coming over to my house every evening so we could work on homework together. It’s better this way, but it’s annoying. He doesn’t knock! It drives me crazy. Every time I remind him knocking is a thing he says ‘’Yeah, next time’’. BUT HE NEVER DOES!! Next time I’ll hit him, I swear.

2011, July, 27

I’m so glad the school year is over and me and (Y/N) got closer. I think my New Year’s resolution worked for both ideas I had. ‘’Sign up to dance club’’, well it also did the same thing as ‘’Annoy (Y/N) more’’. Though she doesn’t seem to hate me. Cool!

She put down the book and practically slapped her head ‘’How dumb are you both?’’ she questioned sizing up the next book that seemed to be from year 11. She wonders why there are so many gaps in between. Then she remembers the thing her dad wrote about being forced to keep a diary.

2014, September, 7

School started again… unfortunately. The summer was nice this year. Me and Yeonjun hung out nearly every day. He didn’t really give me a choice, he was always barging in. No, he still hasn’t learnt how to knock. It drives me insane. I punched him in the arm last time, he only laughed like a maniac. Fucking freak.

He’s in my Maths class now, he was the set below last year. Clearly, all the studying I helped him do pay off. I’m proud of myself, and him I suppose. He sits next to me now. He passes me notes. I’ll stick them on the pages.

You look like a nerd when you concentrate, did you know that? -Yeonjun <3

As if I give a fuck, who does he think he is? Sending me notes when I was trying to concentrate like a nerd! That was not helpful Yeonjun!

2014, September, 7

WINNING! I got moved up a set! To (Y/N)’s set, which means I’m a genius by the way. She even sits next to me. That means I can cheat! Not that she’d let me… she believes strongly in hard work, and so do I. That’s why I worked so hard over the summer to get better, I don’t need perfect grades for being a musician, but getting them would be nice.

I sent her a post-it note in maths class, I don’t remember what It said but she sent one back. Why didn’t she just write on the one I gave her and hand it back?

Shut your mouth Poop-Jun, focus. Or you’ll become dumb again <3

-(Y/N)

Did she seriously call me POOP-JUN!! like a child? It’s kinda cute funny!!!!!!!!! I’ll have to make up a dumb name for her. Game on (Y/N)

2014, October, 31

I’m going to a party tonight, for the first time in my life. All because Yeonjun asked… I hate this man. I heard there would be alcohol, we aren’t old enough for alcohol. I voiced my concerns to Yeonjun, but he told me that was normal. What? I didn’t know that… underage drinking is normal. Had he drunk before? Why?

2014, October, 31

I finally convinced (Y/N) to come to the Halloween party with me. Thank fuck. Maybe I can teach her how to drink today before we get to college, and she embarrasses herself. Even if she did, I’d still like her. NOT IN A WEIRD WAY!! I just mean that I’d still be her friend!!

She sighs at her dad and mumbles ‘’I think the boy doth protest too much… nobody asked how you meant it, dad!’’

2014, November, 1

I feel like such a bad child. I need to confess that I drank last night. Not because Yeonjun told me, but because I was curious. He did offer me, but he warned me first. I heard him out but even after his lecture I still did it. he decided not to because I had, and he wasn’t sure if I could take it. Turns out I couldn’t take it that well and Yeonjun tried to take me home, I tried to tell him not to because of my parents. He already knew that though; he’s known my parents for more than half his life!!

We went to his instead and he let me sleep in his bed, he slept on the blow-up bed on his floor. It was weird having a sleepover with him, especially drunk. I remember looking off the bed and seeing him on the floor sleeping peacefully. I wished I could sleep peacefully, but the urge to throw up last night stuck like a nasty bug.

2014, November, 1

Note to self: (Y/N) absolutely can’t drink!!

God, it was so cute funny! She drank quite a lot, more than I'd expected. She seemed to have a lot of fun. But suddenly she kind of fell backwards against me. At first, I thought she was trying to put the moves on me, and I froze, but I quickly realised it was because she was drunk. She was losing control of her body. Though she protested when I tried to take her home, she eventually gave in. under one condition, not her parent's house. Did she think I was an idiot? I already knew that! I wasn’t born yesterday! Her parents might kill both of us. But my parents didn’t care… who do you think drove us home? Dad picked us up and I explained it to him. He came up with the solution of her sleeping over.

I froze once again at the thought… (Y/N), sleeping in my house? That was new! Fine, whatever. I agreed to it. I sent her parents a message on her phone so they wouldn’t suspect anything. Genius.

She was gone when I helped her into my bed, instantly collapsing. It was cu… no I won’t write that again!!!! I kept an eye on her because I didn’t want her throwing up and she looked so red… but even then, she was beau…

Never mind…

‘’NO. Dad, it was right there. You knew it. you liked her!!!! Please tell me you knew it’’ she huffed, frustrated by how her dad kept crossing out words or not finishing them.

2014, November, 10

I told my parents about my drinking; they didn’t actually care because they knew I was safe. They just wished I had come home so they could take care of me instead of me being in the house across. It nearly made me cry when my mum said that. They said at the age of 16 they would rather I didn’t unless I was at home, but that they did it when they were my age. Me and Yeonjun had clearly perceived them all wrong.

When he came flying into my house unannounced, I heard them talking to him downstairs about it so laughed upstairs until he flung my door open, something along the lines of ‘’You could’ve warned me’’ coming out of his mouth. Apparently, he was downstairs trying to fight for my life by keeping up the lie, until my parents told him I’d admitted it. all I could say was ‘’that’s what happens when you don’t ask to come over’’. He was quick to respond though ‘’You love it when I appear’’. He was wrong, I don’t love it, I only like it mildly….

2014, November, 10

How dare she?? I’ve never been more: horrified, shocked, and embarrassed all at the same time… was this revenge for taking her to the party? No… she definitely had fun, she thanked me. What did I do to deserve this? Imagine me lying my ass off to her parents, meanwhile, they know the truth, God there isn’t much worse than that. Practically broadcasting that I’m not the boy they know and love!

When I told her she should’ve warned me she was nonchalant about it all… how dare she be so calm. It annoyed me to see her like that, but it somehow calmed me down at the same time. We sat in her room all evening talking about what had happened at the party, what she actually remembered, how she talks in her sleep.

It was great until I caught her mum on the way out the door. ‘’I know you care about her, so I know you would never let something happen to her. But please don’t lie to me like that again… put some trust in me Yeonjun, and I’ll put my trust in you’’. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, and I still don’t. it keeps circling my head, and each time I just want to know what she really meant. Easier said than done.

2014, December, 25

It’s that time of year again. Christmas. I don’t get the same joy I used to get from it now, but Yeonjun still seems thrilled by it. he just wouldn’t hang up the Facetime call last night. We fell asleep on it. I eventually drowned out the sound of him talking and drifted to sleep, but I woke to his sleeping face on my screen and panicked and hung up. It took me by surprise, I thought he would’ve hung up. Unless he accidentally fell asleep.

Even though he knew he’d see me later that day he was texting me things like ‘’GOOD MORNING’’, ‘’MERRY CHRISTMAS’’, ‘’I HAVE THE BEST GIFT FOR YOU THIS YEAR’’. Yes, Yeonjun types in all capitals, he’s on drugs I swear. This year I got him new dancing shoes with money I'd earned from my job, they were the ones he’d wanted for months… and I joined forces with his parents so we wouldn’t both get them for him. I’ll write again once he’s got them. So, I can forever replay the epic moment when he tells me I’m the best friend ever for listening to his never-ending whining.

2014, December, 25

I didn’t wake up on a call with her like I thought I would. Maybe she hung up in her sleep, or the call cut out. When she fell asleep last night to the sound of my voice, I found that so…. I found it very… very peaceful and nice! So, I stayed on call and eventually fell asleep myself. I found it comforting to do so…

Waking up without her on the call was more disheartening than I thought it might be, so I messaged her. No, I spammed her! She must think I’m stupid! She eventually answered me though. ‘’I look forward to giving you your gift! It’s so good, you’ll love it!’’. pshhhh, she thought she had a better gift than I'd got her, she was severely wrong. I’d got her a new set of paints and brushes, the expensive ones she said were out of her reach. She loves painting… and I love looking at her paint.

"Dad you are driving me crazy here, just admit it to yourself’’.

2014, December, 26

Yesterday was crazy! Yeonjun’s family came over and we did gifts like normal. Yeonjun got me the paints I wanted!! I was so glad he listened to my groans and used his brain to get me them. I have no clue where he got all that money, and it made me feel bad thinking about how he’d spent it all on me… but I did the same, so I suppose it’s fair. The best bit was, he gave me a tiny painted rock he’d apparently painted when he was sat with me in the art rooms at school. I didn’t even see him! Crazy! I think I want to start painting rocks now, I have so many I might as well.

But when things got serious is when our parents invited us to drink with them and play board games. Imagine me and Yeonjun on a team playing games against adults that were only tipsy. Ridiculous. We played Monopoly and I kept stealing Yeonjun’s money, he didn’t know though. He seemed clueless every time he picked up his money to pay ‘’where did I spend my money’’ he’d whine, a stupid pout on his lips. I’d then make up a story on how he’d spent it on his way around the board. He fell for it every time… nice!

2014, December, 26

OMG!!!! (Y/N) GOT ME THE DANCE SHOES I WANTED!!!! She must be rich to have afforded these! They are so comfortable and feel so nice when I dance. She knows me so well…. She is such a great listener. I only mentioned these once, I think…

We ended up drinking all together with our parents it was hilarious because she was so gone. I drank a little extra to keep up with her, but I couldn’t help but laugh every time I looked down at her pink-flushed face… she truly sucked at drinking. We were on the same team for charades, and she was awful at showing words, but great at guessing them. I couldn’t help but laugh at her terrible impression of a reindeer, she tried so hard. It was so cute. We played Monopoly all together and she kept stealing my money, she thought I didn’t know, but I did. She even watched me watch her take a piece and she still seemed convinced I didn’t know. I’d let her win today; it was too FUNNY not to.

2015, January, 19

Yeonjun kept sliding me notes. Now I have a collection of them… here.

Is the answer to question a x=6?

Yeonjun ;P

By the way, the answer was not 6. Yes, I did help him. I’m not a demon.

The boy in front of us has a sticker on his back!!!! HAHAHA

Yeonjun XD

I heard Yeonjun laugh to himself as he: one, realised our classmate had a sticker on his back, two wrote the note, three as he handed it to me, four as I read it, and five, looked at the boy's back. Yes, there was a sticker… was it funny, maybe a little. But he was distracting me.

Do you think I’m sexy?

YES OR YES    no

Sexy man Yeonjun ;D

When I received it, I crossed out his options with a laugh and showed him my new options. He pouted at me and acted like a stroppy baby for the rest of the class, how annoying.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

(Y/N) … Don’t ignore this! Write the next lyric. I know you know it!

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

DON’T CHA!!!!!!!!!

Well done

That one I nearly didn’t write the lyric because I was trying to focus. But it became more distracting to not answer him than to answer him. I discovered Yeonjun gives up faster if I just respond to him. It was also a note I nearly got confiscated from my desk, had Yeonjun not snatched it up before our teacher could see it. I’m glad he did.

Can I come over today?

Yeonjun <3

You always come over…

Yes, but I was asking because I’m nice.

No, you are asking because you are bored, can you please just focus on the lesson.

Only because you asked <3

That one was prime craziness and I snatched it up when the sight of a heart met my eyes. How could he be joking so shamelessly?

2015, January, 20

IT’S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I got moved away from (Y/N) in maths!!! The teacher said we talk too much… I’m sorry but have you ever seen her mouth move for a fun conversation… no! She’s only ever explained things to me!! What is this hate that’s being slung our way! I’m pissed! There goes any fun I’ve ever had in school! Now all that’s left is cute notes she gave me!! I’m in my feelings!! I’ll stick the memories of our fun times together down below.

Yeonjun breath quieter, it’s too loud :)

Annoyed (Y/N)

The answer is 3 not 6!!

Smart (Y/N)

Our teacher is wrong the answer is actually 23. I have no clue how he got 24…

Confused (Y/N)

Can we get snacks before we head home?

Hungry (Y/N)

Is my hair flat at the back? I feel a bump…

Curious (Y/N)

2015, January, 23

Yeonjun got moved back next to me, good because he was whining about it so much, I thought I’d have to cut off my own ears. When I walked in and saw him sat down, I was glad the whining would be over. I knew he’d be all right without me, he is smart, but he seemed to want to cling to me. He needs to grow some self-confidence. 

2015, January, 23

THANK THE LORD THAT ME AND (Y/N) SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AGAIN!!!! Apparently, it was only for that one lesson, so when I went into the classroom early begging to sit next to her because she helps me, I was just embarrassing myself. Ughhh, the things I do for her happiness. I just knew she wouldn’t be able to handle being apart from me. The look on her face, when she saw me sitting in my normal seat, said it all. She was obviously in love with me!!!

"God no mum! He wanted to stay near you because he likessss you’’ She slapped the words in the diary, now annoyed by her clueless mother as well as her father.

2015, February, 9

Me and Yeonjun keep talking about college and what we want to do in the future. We both seem as clueless as each other so we spend days in my room googling colleges, and the courses they have. Half the problem is… we don’t really want to go our separate ways. I may get annoyed by him, but Yeonjun has been my friend for 10 years, and for all of that we’ve gone to the same school. I really don’t want that to change, it scares me.

What happens if I can’t make friends? I won’t even have Yeonjun to rely on!! What if I hate it and Yeonjun isn’t around to annoy me because he’s swimming in his popularity in a new school!!! Live your life, but please Yeonjun, stay near me….

2015, February, 10

Looking at colleges is so draining!! Who knew making one choice would feel so pressuring? I know what course I want to do, and the clubs don’t matter to me because I do them outside of school. So why do I find myself looking for colleges that have not only music courses but art ones as well? And why do I find myself suggesting them to (Y/N)?

She seems so stressed out whenever we are looking, so clearly, I’m just trying to help her whilst also looking for myself. Yeah, that sounds right!!!!! Every time we scoot closer together to look at her laptop, the screen lit up with college, I notice it, the look in her eyes. She’s scared, and I don’t know what to say. Life is moving on and I don’t think she’s prepared. She’s been focusing so much on this year that I honestly don’t think she ever thought past it. and now, as she’s trying to revise for her final exams in a few months’ time, she has to make decisions. Ones she’s not ready to make.

In the moment I often think about reaching my hand out to hold hers, maybe she would find comfort in it. but I don’t… it would be weird to her. I know that much….

‘’This is by far the worst bit I’ve read yet! Dad just do it, make a move’’.

2015, February, 17

We picked a college, and both applied, we haven’t heard back yet, but they have no reason to not accept us. I heard it's easy getting into colleges… I’m not sure if I believe it or not, but I'll hope. When we put in our applications I almost cried because I got so nervous, but Yeonjun wrapped his arm over my shoulder and dragged me into his side, the warmth almost comforting. He’s never hugged me out of the blue like that, it shocked me.

I found myself wanting him to hold me longer. I think it’s because I’ve never been hugged by anyone other than my parents, or his parents. My friends don’t hug me because they assume I don’t like to be touched. Am I to serious? I wonder what Yeonjun thinks… maybe he thinks I’m too serious and it took him this long to work up the courage to hug me. Maybe I should think about how I present myself to people.

2015, February, 17

We put in our college applications today, together. We applied for the same college as I wanted us to. She was worried because we had finally done it, made a decision. She expected to hear back instantly, I don’t know why, and when she didn’t, she got so nervous I thought she’d throw up. So, my arm moved before I could think. I hugged her!!! She didn’t run away or tell me I was gross… she calmed down slightly. Maybe she didn’t find it weird at all. I was really worried she would, that’s why I never comforted her physically. I suppose I was the one that was scared after all.

I really hope we get into the same college; I don’t really know what it would be like without her. No matter where I go, she’s always been there… not really, I could list places she hasn’t been that I have… shut up Yeonjun….

I just want her by my side for a while longer. Is that a crime? If it’s not, why do I feel like it is?

2015, April, 14

We have spent so much time revising, I feel like I have no time for anything else. I don’t know how Yeonjun does it… he does clubs, school, revision and hangs out with his friends. I’m sure he’s awake 24/7, that would make sense. But he never looks tired. He always looks so awake, like every day is day he will love, even though he’s been living this life for months.

I have his timetable because I’m the one that organises his life… this isn’t a friend’s package… I’m doing too much. But someone has to, he has no one else that will... all this happened because I offered my help a few years ago, oh the butterfly effect, you’ve got me now.

2015, April, 19

ALL I DO IS REVISE!!! It’s so astronomically boring. Yeah, that was a big word, (Y/N) says it’s the word of the day. She says I should try using them, so boom!! Too bad she’ll never see the proof… I’ll have to use the word in her face later when I go to her house. Maybe I should say ‘’You are astronomically smart, I’m grateful for you’’…. EW, too mushy for me. I'd only say that to a girl I liked, and I DON’T like (Y/N)!!!

2015, May, 9

I had my first exam today… I’m so nervous. I think it went well, but I heard that means I did badly. I really hope I didn’t do badly. I haven’t tried my whole life to fail now. Come on (Y/N), only a little longer left. Time to get back to revising for my next test, its tomorrow, I’m wasting time.

2015, May, 9

Sat my maths exam today. It went well, I’m very happy. I sit my English one tomorrow, I’m not confident. (Y/N) is on Facetime right now trying to drill quotes into our head, I’m trying to listen, but I just can’t focus. That’s why I’m writing my mind on this page so hopefully I can listen to her again.

Why is it that every time I look at her on the screen stressing about the exam that I want to hug her, tell her it will be okay. At first, I thought I was just an amazing friend, and I wanted to help her. But the thought won’t leave me alone. I’m so close to marching over to her house and holding her until she tells me she feels okay.

I should listen to her again now, or she will get mad. That would only make things worse…. Good luck me!

2015, May, 23

I had my art exam today and I painted Yeonjun. I spent the whole day in a room painting his portrait… when I asked him to be my reference for art, he was okay with that, I think that’s because he’s confident in himself, I’m not. I’m jealous of him and his stupid face, which I can now say for sure, is very even. I spent the whole day painting it!!! I would know!!! I'd never focused much on his face when I was painting before, I could just kind of paint it, like it was the easiest thing. But today I was so careful that I was measuring. I couldn’t afford a mistake on this exam; I needed the perfect grade… I hope Yeonjun never sees that painting because honestly, I think I painted him too well. His ego may shoot, and I wouldn’t be able to stand that.

2015, May, 23

(Y/N) spent the entire day painting me, and when I waited for her by the classroom, I could see her through the glass. She looked like she was being careful, each stroke was controlled. I couldn’t see the canvas because it had its back to me, but I could see her. She had paint smudged on her nose and cheeks, clearly shed brushed it onto herself by accident. Why did my heart flutter at the sight of her? That wasn’t meant to happen…

A teacher saw me waiting and spoke to me ‘’Ah, Mr Choi? The one (Y/N) is always painting?’’. Did she speak about me to her teachers? He seemed to know about me… it was odd. I responded to him regardless ‘’Yes sir, that’s me. How do you know?’’. The teacher laughed at me and patted my back ‘’Word gets around… she paints you, and what do you photograph in your photography work?’’. He was teasing me!!!! How dare he!!! He already knew the answer… I photograph her. She just makes the perfect subject; she doesn’t need to pose. I can take a picture of her when she’s being moody and ignoring me and it comes out perfectly. Does she know I do this? No. if she found out would she hate me? Yes. She doesn’t like the way she looks… how sad… I think she looks perfect incredible… FINE. She looks absolutely normal, not bad…

2015, June, 20

I finally finished school, I'm not sure how I feel. I got accepted to the college me and Yeonjun wanted, and he did as well. We have the whole summer to do what? I have nothing to keep me busy now, maybe other than Yeonjun and work. I thought I’d be more excited to have an early summer. But instead, I realised I’m boring. What do I do with my days? All I do is wait for Yeonjun to finish living his life and then come around my house. When college starts, I need to make some friends, that aren’t Yeonjun!!!

2015, June, 23

THANK YOU, LORD!! TORTURE IS FINALLY OVER!! All exams are done, I got into the college I wanted, my friends still want to hang out with me!!! I’ve spent my days practically living at dance club, or my friends’ houses. Me and Soobin are curious how long I can live at his house without my mum telling me to come home. So far, we are at 3 days. In these days I haven’t seen (Y/N) and the only messages she sends me are ‘’Why didn’t you come over today?’’, ‘’You didn’t come over again today’’, ‘’Are you dead. You come to my house every day. This is the third day’’. Surely, she has things she can be doing, why is she so worried about me. It’s probably best I keep my distance, for my own good. She won’t mind, in fact, she’ll probably like it…

2015, June, 30

He still hasn’t come over… what is his problem??? I stopped messaging a few days ago. He never tells me where he is or what he’s doing, he just sends me a message saying ‘’not today, watch a movie or something’’. I don’t like watching movies alone… I thought he knew that. Why is he being mean?? I thought we got past that years ago… is it because of college? Is he scared? Well so am I!! I wanted him by my side… I guess not. Maybe I had the wrong idea about us…

2015, July, 3

I finally returned home because my mum told me to. She knew I was at Soobin’s because I told her, and she didn’t seem to care as long as I was safe. The only reason she told me to come home was because of (Y/N)… apparently she got so bored she came to my house to ask my mum to bake a cake with her. They did, and apparently, they had a nice time. But why in the world would she do that. Didn’t she have better things to do?

Mum told me I need to ‘be there’ for (Y/N), but I don’t get it. She seems fine so what’s the problem? I’ll go over and see her tomorrow.

2015, July, 4

Poop-Jun came over today. Stupid boy. Why did he think I’d want to hang out after he hasn’t seen me or messaged me in weeks. Did he decide I was too good for him? Am I too uncool and ugly for popular people like Yeonjun. he makes me want to slap him for being so foolish.

2015, July, 4

That didn’t go as planned. (Y/N) shouted at me and kicked her out of her house. She seems to think I don’t like her anymore; I suppose that’s what I get for trying to push us away from each other. I knew what I was doing, it was selfish. All because I can’t handle her… she doesn’t deserve this. I’m sorry (Y/N), I’ll make it up to you.

2015, July, 18

Yeonjun wouldn’t leave me alone, so we are friends again. He would just appear every day and try and get me to hang out with him. Hed refuse to leave unless we did something. At first, he’d settle for a conversation, then he wanted to hang out for an hour minimum, then he’d want to watch a movie, then go shopping, next thing I knew I’d fallen into his trap. I forgave him. I feel like I wasted my summer being lonely and mad at Yeonjun, is this seriously what my life has boiled down to?

2015, July, 20

We are finally friends again, she told me to come over tonight. I DIDN’T HAVE TO JUST ARRIVE, SHE TOLD ME TO COME OVER. She has never in her life done that. Breaking news if you ask me.

I think her parents invited me around for dinner really, but oh well, I’ll take what I can get.

I hope I can spend the rest of the summer making her happy, she’s started laughing with and at me again recently, I’ve never been happier to hear a sound in my life.

2015, August, 28

Me and Yeonjun have officially enrolled in college, we’ve gone to all the events and met people at induction. Someone even approached me to have a conversation, that was nice. At first, I thought she wanted to speak to Yeonjun, that’s what normally happens, but she didn’t. she told me I had a nice outfit and asked me what I’d be studying. We spoke for a while. Turned out she was a fashion and design student. She asked for my number and jokingly saved it as ‘my future model’. It was really flattering for a pretty girl to say I was model worthy, especially when I’ve never heard a compliment like that from anyone other than my parents.

I’m starting to think college won’t be so bad after all, I think I’m excited now.

2015, August, 28

I don’t want to be that friend… but that girl was hardcore flirting with (Y/N) …. IN FRONT OF ME!!!! How absurd!!!

‘’your outfit is so stylish and looks so pretty, just like you. Wow you should be a model’’!

HAHA

I already knew all these things! (Y/N) is my model… please find your own. I wanted to pull (Y/N) away from her so badly. Why couldn’t I be happy that she was making friends? I want to be, but I can’t. I don’t want to go to college anymore. The world is going to discover (Y/N), and she seems ready this time… she won’t just sit in the library…. Fuck.

Her mum’s diary cuts off there and turns into letters she wrote to herself and Yeonjun, but she never sent them to him, meanwhile his stays as a diary. It’s a good thing her mum dated each one or the story would have to end here.

2015, September, 1

Dear me,

Today was the first day of college. My stomach is knotted with anxiety. I’ll make friends won’t i? I became friends with Layla over the holiday. She’s so interesting, fun and so cool, she reminds me of Yeonjun. She’s such an it girl! Yeonjun says my outfits are cooler since I started hanging out with her. If they are better, why does he seem frustrated? Odd boy.

Class was excellent, I spent the lesson talking about art with people who love art. I found out artistic people are weird, just like me! Yeonjun seemed disgusted by the idea of a room full of Me, rude!

Yeonjun already has a following. I didn’t recognise any people from secondary. He’s already part of a big group. He ask if I’d like to sit with them, but I said I’d rather sit with Layla. He seemed disappointed, but oh well. I’m not like him, I don’t thrive in big groups, i feel most comfortable with a few close friends.

Layla always wants to talk about Yeonjun? Does she have a crush on him?! That would be kinda gross! Why would girls be attracted to him? He’s… Poop-Jun after all.

I have a few questions for myself next month…

Is Yeonjun popular yet?

Does Layla have a crush on Yeonjun?

Have you made more friends?

Do you like your art course?

Did you and Layla go shopping like you planned?

Do you hate it here?

Are… you and Yeonjun still friends?

2015, September, 1

First day of school was easy peasy. I loved having to do nothing but what I love doing. The only thing I don’t love is Layla, she’s been hogging (Y/N), and she knows it. Me and her have beef, seriously. She has been hanging out with (Y/N) ever since they met, and when they aren’t hanging out, they are messaging. (Y/N) says Layla reminds her of me… personally I've never wanted to throw up more. She has nowhere near as much style as I do, and she clings to (Y/N) unreasonably. I have my reasons!!! She’s been my best friend since we were 6, be for real!!!! Me and her AREN’T the same!!

2015, October, 1

Dear future me,

I’ve officially been in college for one month. Let me answer the questions of the previous letter…

Of course, Yeonjun is popular now! Everyone who knows him, loves him. I’ve decided to avoid him in the halls, so I don’t have to deal with the mess that is people saying hi to him or crowding him.

Does Layla have a crush on Yeonjun? It appears not. Since I stopped hanging out with him at school she’s stopped discussing him. That’s good, I don’t want her to like Yeonjun. I refuse to have my friends dating!!!

Yes! I have made friends! Layla and I are in a group of roughly 8, which seemed large in the beginning, but it’s not. Some are friends she brought to the group, and others are friends I made. We are all really creative and it's exciting! We inspire each other to be more imaginative!!

I love my art course; all I do is talk, learn about, and create art! It’s my dream course. It is intricate and sometimes difficult work, but I’m willing to invest into it because I love it.

Layla and I recently went shopping with the rest of our friends. We got the train to the nearest city, with new shops, it was so thrilling. I’ve never done something like that before, it was exciting, trying new styles, chatting! Yeonjun saw the pictures all over my social media. He was jealous we didn’t do things like that. But he hasn’t ever ask…

Nope, I don’t hate it at college. And why would I?! I can leave the college on my breaks, can GO TO THE TOILET WHEN I WANT, I feel like the master of my destiny!

Yes, Yeonjun does speak to me. He will run past me in the corridors sometimes and shout a greeting, but then he’s gone like lightning. We will sometimes sit together if we are both on break and I’m not with my friends. He loves looking at my artwork, especially since I often draw and paint him. It’s definitely strokes that ego…

2015, October, 28

There is a party for Halloween, and I didn’t even have to convince (Y/N) to go, because guess what, Layla and her are going!! They will even be matching!! I saw her outfit, she’s an angel, and Layla will be a devil. How basic… (Y/N) pulled it off though. She looked incredible; I can’t even lie this time. When she showed me, I thought she was beautiful, and I just couldn’t believe that she’s the girl that collected rocks…

Wait… if I thought she was beautiful and I’m her best friend, what will other guys think? No! No, this can’t happen. I can’t have them looking at her, I have to come up with a plan. Hopefully she’ll get drunk and return to my side, she does that when she’s drunk.

2015, November, 1

Dear future me,

Never drink that much again. I think I spilt my drink on this random girl, and I remember her crying? Yeonjun said he helped her out though… What does that even mean?! Wait… did he lose his jacket last night? He gave her his jacket, didn’t he!! That was a cool jacket, how dare he waste it on fixing my mistakes!

I don’t remember how I found Yeonjun, I was with Layla at first. But it reached a point where I just couldn’t keep up and I needed to find familiarity. I think I saw him standing near the fish tank, talking to four guys. I’m not sure how many, it’s blurry in my memory. Omg, memories keep bobbing up like apples. I remember falling against one of his friends and Yeonjun clutching me towards him. He said something to his friends and held me against his chest as he finished his conversation, his heart beat was comforting. I remember mumbling sorry for interrupting.

after he sobered me up a little, he took me home. I remember he helped me to my bed and tucked me in. He whispered ‘’good night’’ before he left… how embarrassing!

2015, November, 1

Why is it always the Halloween parties? God, she looked so perfect… I thought I couldn’t breathe when I saw her dancing with her friends in the corner of my eye. My friends didn’t even wait to make fun of me, they knew what was up. ‘’Yeonjun, she won’t disappear. You can look away from her’’. I knew that I could, but I didn’t want to. If I did would someone take her from me? I did though, I looked away and left her. I even moved room so I could have my own fun.

She took me by surprise when she came over to me, tripping over her feet and falling against my friend, who caught her in his arms and smiled down at her. Oh, hell no, not those two. Anyone but him (Y/N), please…

I grabbed her from his arms and held her against my chest, my hand rested on her lower back and her head pushed against me. There was no way we didn’t look like a clingy couple like this… but it was fine, just for tonight.

‘’You didn’t need to snatch her from me mate. I know she’s yours’’. That’s what he said, and I scoffed at him and asked what he meant. He told me ‘’We all know you like her, so we won’t touch her… everyone knows’’. He was being ridiculous, ‘’I don’t like her’’ I told him. And he said the worst thing I could’ve imagined ‘’Well, in that case, I’ll ask her out on a date. She’s too pretty to pass up’’. I laughed at his joke because it must have been one right. No way he’d say that to me, her best friend, seriously right…

When I got her home, she was clinging to me, and once I peeled her off and got her in bed. She asked me to stay and hold her. I thought about it, but I knew what the right decision was. I didn’t respond to her, I tucked her covers over her and told her goodnight. Why is it always Halloween?

2015, December, 1

Dear me,

Yeonjun has been annoying recently. He keeps running past me at college and ruffling my hair or scaring me. It's so annoying, especially when he messes up my hair because it’s always when I made an extra effort. Can’t he just keep his hands to himself? How annoying! Sorry, I’ve said annoying one too many times, clearly thinking about it makes me so frustrated I repeat myself!

And do you know what’s worse, when I shout at him after he’s finished, and in response guess what he does… he spins as he runs and winks, then he continues running out of view. That man! How dare he be so careless… I hope he runs into a wall one day!!

Art classes aren’t as much fun now, it’s already starting to feel like a chore, so I need to find something interesting to do for my project this year or I’ll get bored. Please future me, please… save me from tedium…

2015, December, 11

(Y/N) is only getting prettier and making my heart flutter endlessly. She walks down the corridors with the prettiest smile, books under her arm because they are too big for her bag, and the most beautifully curled hair. What other choice do I have? I run past her a ruffle it up so it’s not as good every time. She doesn’t need to look pretty for anyone else now, I've already seen her. Did I like her? No, of course not! I just care about her! I just don’t want other guys to like, her, doesn’t that make sense? I’m just trying to protect her…

2016, January, 1

Dear future me,

I’ve saved art for us… are you thankful? Well maybe Yeonjun did, but that isn’t important… You know how he always gives me a rock at Christmas time, a small painted rock, as testament to our childhood. Well, I’ve decided to finally start painting rocks. When I told my lecturer, she suggested I make a project out of it. I’m enjoying it immensely, and I have developed a whole plan. I have a question… did you tell Yeonjun? And did he act big-headed about assissting you with the concept? I bet he did…

Yeonjun wrote me a letter this Christmas, so I’ll put it with this one. It was simply beautiful, so emotion, it made me cry. I didn’t want him to see me teary eyed. He mentioned the magnet thing his mum would say when we were younger. I agree with him, we are magnets opposite poles attracting, and I think we are so powerful we can’t be separated.

He brought me an art easel and some canvases for at home, I was grateful. I didn’t write him a letter for Christmas, so I’m going to write him one soon and give it to him. I don’t want him to think I’m a bad friend. I think I’ll probably paint my parents, beautiful flowers, and a nearby lake that Yeonjun keeps dragging me to. I’ve drawn enough of Yeonjun that I could honestly go my whole life without ever painting him again.

Dear (Y/N),

First of all, Merry Christmas! I’m glad it’s another one together we get to add to the stack of them. How many has it been now? 11? That’s a lot… I’ve known you for more than half my life, isn’t that crazy? I hope that never changes. Can you stay by my side until we are old and wrinkly? I don’t think I want to ever stop being your friend. I don’t think I could at this point.

Recently I’ve seen you change so much, and all because we went to college. I heard people bloom at some point in their life, and I think I got to see you bloom. Do you know how incredible it was? I was scared at first, I didn't want you to get hurt and scarred by the world. I know you’ve always hidden yourself, and I was happy to protect you. But you didn’t want me to this year, did you? So, I let you bloom and now I look at you and I no longer see the girl who collected rocks as a child… I think it makes me sad in a way. I now see the girl who parties and paints, isn’t that a weird duo?

Just like us, no? When I was a child, my mum called us magnets, that were pushed the wrong way together. But now a days I think we are pushed the right way together; I think we click. Did you know it’s difficult to separate magnets, especially strong ones.

Merry Christmas (Y/N), I hope you have a lovely day!

2016, January, 15

Music classes are awesome, I made my own song recently. The lecturer says I’m above the expected level for my age, and that my song is full of emotion. Well duh, it's about her… Yeah, I did that. I can’t think of anything else but her, it’s so stupid. When she’s sat alone, I ditch my friends to sit with her, she probably wanted me to. That's what I tell myself, but who am I kidding? I desperately wanted to talk to her. Please save me, I can’t do this anymore.

2016, February, 1

Dear me,

I told Yeonjun about my idea when he saw it. I stayed in class later than I had to, so I could focus on my project, when he came to find me. He sat down next to me, chin in his hand, and asked why I was painting rocks. He shuffled through the notes and sketches I had on the desk. It didn’t take him long to realise, so I explained my plan.

My project is to bring colour back to my otherwise dull world. Nature is intrinsically beautiful, and I love capturing it any way I can. By decorating the rocks and placing them back where they belong, I add a bit of my beauty to the world. The plan is to distribute the rocks to my favourite places once I’m done with the project. I'll then paint some of the rocks in their location, for the final piece.

To answer my own questions. No Yeonjun didn’t get a big head like you thought he would, he seemed really joyful. In fact, he took me for ice cream when he found out… how odd. But I had fun.

2016, February, 14

I want to throw up. It’s Valentine’s Day, and MY FRIEND gave (Y/N) roses. I saw him do it. She was sitting there, pretty pink dress on because she wanted to wear a romantic colour today, hair in space buns like a cutie, and he walked up to her with the flowers behind his back. It’s like everything went in slow motion and I was given the chance to stop it, but I didn’t. He spoke to her, and she smiled, then he gave her the flowers, she turned the same colour as them. He gave her a note and she smiled again, and he walked away. I didn’t take my eyes off her as she put the letter straight into her bag, not even reading it first.

When she looked up and saw me, she giggled and waved the flowers like an accomplishment. I would’ve been happy if I didn’t like her… that’s right, I have a crush on her. Now I know why they call it a crush. It’s not for a good reason, it’s because it crushes you. I thought it was because you have a crush, and when you finally get the girl, you crush the silly feelings, and it turns into love. I was wrong.

If I ever see those flowers in a vase in her room, I think I’ll throw up… there goes the plan I made for her… I'll slip it here, so I never have to look at it again.

VALENTINES DAY <3 OPERATION CRUSH

1. Buy flowers – her favourites, tulips, not roses, that’s basic - done

2. Get her favourite snacks - done!

3. Download her favourite movies onto my laptop – done!

4. Build the den – done!

5. Decorate den – done!

6. Pack your bag full of the bits you’ll need – done!

7. Get her to come with you – to be done!

8. Success – no

9. Is she your girlfriend? – never

2016, March, 1

Dear me,

Yeonjun has been clinging to me like never before. He sits with me all the time, at school, at home and when we go out. I think we are conjoined at the hip. It’s kind of funny, in a babyish way.

He’s been weird with me ever since his friend asked me out, I told him no, but we became friends. It’s weird how that works… I did try and give him a chance, but I didn’t like him that way. I didn’t even feel anything, it felt dull. I felt bad, but I told him no, not that I told Yeonjun. It isn’t his business, if I’m honest. If Layla wanted to date him, the bile would rise from my stomach. Two of my friends dating, that is just a no. Maybe I should let him know so he relaxes. Maybe then he’ll leave my side… but it’s fun having him around.

2016, March, 17

Is it possible to love being around the one that broke your heart?

Am I really in love with her?

How to tell her I love her?

That’s what my search history looks like nowadays because nobody prepares you to feel this, or how to even deal with it. growing up I couldn’t imagine loving (Y/N), it was the wildest, most far-fetched thing ever. But as I read my diaries from those days and think about how I treated and thought about her, it’s obvious, I’ve had a crush on her forever. The only reason I didn’t notice was because I thought it was the normal feeling of liking a close friend. Why did it take me so long to notice? So long that now other guys like her as well. I don’t even have a chance anymore… who would’ve thought… certainly not me… I love the one girl who has never liked me…. How sad.

2016, April, 1

My project is nearly done. As I was resting today, Yeonjun flew into my room, not even knocking, as usual. Whenever he needed someone to check his music or dance, he’d come rushing over to my house, straight into my room. ‘’Listen to it!’’ he said sitting down on my bed, to which I said the only words that I could think ‘’Knock’’, and he nodded, both of us knowing he would most definitely not knock.

I listened to it, it was delicate, so emotive, and knowing Yeonjun’s created it, was even better. It was better than that! It was perfect, stupid talented boy. As I looked at my phone, I realised I had to go, it was nearly time for the call. ‘’Yeah, it's amazing Jjunie, can you go now? I’m busy’’.

He huffed at me, as if not believing I could be busy ‘’doing fucking what, you were in bed on your phone!’’. When I told him I was going to call a friend he whined about it being our thing, so I told him it wasn’t ‘’You practically living in my house is our thing’, Now get out he’s waiting for me’’.

The mere idea of a male wanting to speak to me clearly disgusted him because he burst ‘’HE??? I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY FRIENDS WITH GIRLS’’. I decided then that I shouldn’t tell him it was his friend I was about to call. ‘’ I have both Yeonjun, now get out before I hit you’’. He pouted at me like a baby, ‘’Fine, I get that I’m being replaced, I’ll go’’.

I watched him leave my room, then I watched him enter his own house and his bedroom light turn on from my window. I then called his friend, and we called for a few hours. It was 11 pm when I looked back out my window and Yeonjun’s lights were off. Yeonjun’s light is always on till at least 1 a.m. What was he doing?

I didn’t do anything to upset him, did I? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?

2016, April, 1

I’m being replaced. I didn’t know a crush could turn into something worse, is there even a verb that can describe this feeling? Maybe instead of a crush, I have a pulverize… that seems right. My heart feels pulverized. Do you want to know why?

Well because (Y/N) kicked me out of her house to call a guy. I have never been kicked out of her house because of someone else like that. Not even Layla. If they called, I'd just sit in the room. why in the world would she kick me out for a different guy?

I feel sick… is that the remnants of my heart trying to escape my body? Should I swallow it or let it out? Is there any point in keeping the slivers of it? When I looked out my window I could see her, she left her curtains wide open again, and I could see as her serious face lifted into a bright smile. She was laughing at his jokes… and all I could do was watch. Do I do this to myself?

I can’t watch anymore… I can’t feel like this again. I’ll go to the only friend I can think of…

2016, May, 1

Dear future me,

Is Yeonjun still ignoring us? He hasn’t spoken to me in school, he hasn’t come to my house… what is happening? Why is he ignoring me? I hope he has a good reason because I don’t like how this feels.

Everything is endlessly dull without him. Where is the colour I love? He made everything so much brighter, more exciting…. Did I just say that I loved the colour, and then suggest that Yeonjun was in fact the colour to my world…. Yes, I did.

Am I in love with Yeonjun?

Holy fuck, I think I love Yeonjun. is this the feeling inside of me? The warmth and light when I’m close to him and the cold dusk when I’m apart from him. Oh god, I really love him… don’t I? Fuck… how did this happen? When did this happen? This year? I’m not sure…

What am I going to do?

2016, April, 16

Is it better if I keep ignoring her? She seems ridiculously sad nowadays. She doesn’t stay in school any longer than she has to. Can I reach out and hug her? Or will she push me away. She probably will, she has other friends now.

I must be a speck of dust in the vast landscape that is her world. I float by, annoying her for a while then I get forced to move along by this force, its wind to a dust, but to me, I’m not sure. What pushed me away from her? Is it possible that by turning my back to her I pushed the same poles of our magnet together? Is it possible that I am the force that’s keeping me from her? If she turns her back as well, does that mean we click again? Maybe I should spin around and confess how I feel. But after all…. I’m just dust.

2016, May, 1

I have a plan. I’m going to get Yeonjun back and make him mine all at the same time. I can’t survive much longer away from him. This feeling is devouring me.

The next stage of my project will arrive in a few days, that’s when I put the rocks in my favourite places. There is a heart rock I found as a child, I named him Yeonjun, and I’ve painted it! Its finally time to return it to my favourite place. I’ll write a letter for him and put the rock at the bottom, buried under colourful paper.

If this doesn’t tell him how I feel I’m not really sure what will. This was the perfect idea, and it linked up so magnificently.

2016, May, 21

I’m so in love with her. You’ll never guess what she did… it was incredible. Like a scene from a movie, or a storybook. She’s so perfect.

After a long day at college, doing my final performance for my exam I came home, just to find her sitting on my bed. I hadn’t spoken to her or been to her house in months. I was so scared to talk to her that I instantly spewed out the first thing she always tells me ‘’What happened to knocking?’’. She shrugged her shoulders with a giggle ‘’I will next time’’. I knew it was a tease at me for never knocking and never learning how. ‘’touché… what brings you to my house, you prefer your house’’.

She deadpanned me at my words and spoke ‘’You don’t come over anymore’’.

‘’You don’t invite me’’, that’s what I said! Could I really not think of a better excuse!!! ‘’I’ve never had to before’’ she countered, and to that I only made up mor lies to hide my feelings ‘’I finally clicked that you didn’t want me around’’.

She huffed at me’’ why would you even think that?’’. I shrugged at her and sat down next to her, trying to peak at what was behind her back, but I couldn’t even see because it was in a box, cutely wrapped like the Christmas gifts she gives me. She stood up and spoke ‘’I’m going to leave this here. You decide if you should start coming back over to my house once you’ve seen it’’. I grabbed her hand as she tried to leave ‘’Don’t be suspicious, just tell me’’. She giggled and squeezed my hand then let go ‘’nope, it’s something you should do alone’’.

The second she was out of my door, I reached for the box and when I opened it, I saw a letter, so I read it, I’ll put it with this one, so I never lose it. once I had read it, I put my hand into the tissue and pulled out a beautifully painted rock. Fuck… she’s incredible. It wasn’t any old rock; it was the one I’d found for her when we were children and I’d sneakily given it to her. I saw her painting it a few months ago for her project, and I knew she was planning on returning them to her favourite places…. I just never knew that would be me. I thought I wanted to cry right then and there.

I knew I had to chase after her, but was straight away to soon? It might have seemed a bit desperate, but I was. My pulverise needed to leave me alone that instant and turn into never ending love for her. Like I originally thought a crush was….

I ran to her house and the second I got into her room, I pulled her into my arms, hugging her as tightly as I could now that I knew she loved me back. I told her how I felt in a single whisper ‘’ I love you too’’ and that’s when she said it back ‘’I love you Poop-Jun’’. Any other situation I’d hate the stupid name, but this time it was almost adorable, it was perfect. She knew it as well.

I asked her the question ‘’will you be my girlfriend’’… and that’s why I know have a girlfriend. Isn’t that’s awesome. The perfect girl you’ve had a crush on forever, is finally your girlfriend. Future me, please keep her happy, and stay together till you are old and wrinkly.

Dearest Yeonjun,

I’ve met many people in my life; good people and bad. No one has ever captured my heart so completely. When I look at you, you appear to glow with a glittering aura. Everything else fades into a grey background without you, as if you have stolen the colour from my world and taken it with you. I need you by my side, Yeonjun.

Those times you would run past me at college, would make heart flutters, and butterflies swirl with delight. And rage with violent anger! You make me feel so many things, but even that’s better than dull and emotionless.

I know all kinds of things about you. All different things. Like the lake you visit when you're feeling lost. You’d found it on a walk one day, and showed it to me the next. Remember? I had never expected you to come across something so captivating, but of course you had. You always make my soul shimmer.

When my eyes laid sight on the golden sun, glistening on the blue hue of the lake, I felt the familiar surge of inspiration, like a guitar melody in one of your songs. When I turned to you, you were transfixed on the lake, so peaceful, enjoying the moment. Did you realise I stole that moment, imortalising you on my page as you drifted, weightlessly into your own reality. That mere drawing is the most honest representation of you. I’ve never told you, but you are the reason I fell in love with art in the first place, I wanted a way to treasure you. Yeonjun, you are a work of art to me.

I like being with you. I try to sit next to you as much as I can. I find myself staring at you all the time. I want to always be with you. And I can’t help myself.

These special moments just between us. You are my light, shining in my world, you ease the sadness. As overwhelming as the loneliness but as soft as cherry blossom, this feeling is as strange as it is new! I guess you can only call it love.

I find myself counting the days we’ve been apart. Longing, with one wish, only to see you again. I want you, I wonder, hopeful, if you feel the same. Thoughts of you fill me, I need you beside me, always.

When I feel the loneliness will consume me, I think about the moments we’ve shared, the Christmas joy, my rocks, and your music. Years ago a beautiful heart-shaped rock greeted me at the gates of my house, and when I gazed up I saw you staring back at me. From that moment I decided I’d call the rock Yeonjun, just like Small Sam had a name. I’ve wondered all these years, if you hid the heart rock for me to find. To me, it became a symbol of our friendship, our changing relationship, our blossoming love.

For my project you know I was painting rocks to return them to my favourite places, and this one is for you, Yeonjun. Because you, and everything you mean to me, is my favourite place. Isn’t it fitting that the rock I found that day, is the rock I return to you? Please accept it, along with my heart.

I love you

“Awwwww… mum fell harder!!! That’s so sweet. He was ready to give up on her but she made the move that he couldn’t! I can’t wait to tease them about this!” Their daughter giggled, packing the pages back away where they belong. Their youth… oh how magical it was.

[literalliterature]

[ID written by the artist @ultrasopp : stylized drawing of the northern lights. bright green “waves” drawn in thick lines cover the upper left corner of the drawing. the rest is a dark blue sky filled with stars. End ID.]

guess i'm some kind of freak: a laika borealis playlist

(yes it's another TTRPG OC playlist yes she is named after the space dog)

[Spotify]

01) 10,000-Year Earworm to Discourage Resettlement Near Nuclear Waste Repositories (Don't Change Color, Kitty) -- Emperor X

the radiation that the change implies/can kill, and that's a fact

02) Look Who's Inside Again -- Bo Burnham

when you're a kid and you're stuck in your room/you'll do any old shit to get out of it

03) The Mind Electric -- Miracle Musical

scattering sparks of thought energy/deliver me and carry me away

04) Mariella -- Kate Nash

i'm heavy-handed/to say the least/my mother thinks i'll be an awful clutcher

05) Just a Girl -- Florence + the Machine

oh, i'm just a girl/take a good look at me/just your typical prototype

06) Next Up Forever -- AJR

this is my imagination/this is how it looks and sounds/but i gotta go so much bigger/so they can never shut me down

07) Brass Band -- Jukebox the Ghost

boredom is a gift/but i've had enough of it to last a lifetime/give me something shocking

08) Second Child, Restless Child -- The Oh Hellos

and they saw trouble in my eyes/they were quick to recognize the devil in me

09) Numb Bears -- Of Monsters and Men

far across the ocean alone/while numb bears at home/said i could never get there/but i'm already there

10) Haven't You Noticed (I'm a Star) -- Olivia Olson

haven't you noticed i made it this far?/now everyone can see me burning

11) I Like That -- Janelle Monae

but even back then, with the tears in my eyes/i always knew i was the shit

12) Scrawny -- Wallows

if i'm offending them i don't mind/maybe they all should listen to me/it isn't all about what you see

13) Problems -- Mother Mother

i found love in the strangest place/tied up and branded, locked in a cage

14) Blah Blah Blah -- The Oozes

get out of there/you don't deserve that chair

15) Carnivore -- Bear Attack!

you took my heart and ate it/but i won't be your victim/can't take it anymore

16) Saint Bernard -- Lincoln

you always said how you love dogs/i don't know if i count, but i'm trying my best/when i'm howlin' and barkin' these songs

17) Never Love an Anchor -- The Crane Wives

it's a secret i keep tucked inside my chest/with this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful

18) The Mind Electric -- Chonny Jash

it seems those beams of light have caused some glare/freakish and dismal, hollow and bleak

19) Neighborhood #2 (Laika) -- Arcade Fire

when daddy comes home/you always start a fight

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Propaganda under the cut.

Tabitha Scarlet:

owns a mine, has banned her ex girlfriend from said mine, has a lot of Mom Trauma that has resulted in her wanting to be vulnerable while simultaneously believing she cannot afford to be. also some paths in the game lead to her killing someone and she's not as upset about it as she probably should be

She literally runs one of the largest coal mines in the area, coal baroness, strikebreaker (does not want her employees to unionize), if you build up a close enough relationship with her you can find out she's not really a horrible person and she's just dealing with the weight of hundreds of years of obligations on her shoulders but it still doesn't excuse the fact that some of her inspirations include Rockefeller, Carnegie, and Ford

Morte Asherah

I will level with you I have not finished this game (i am close to the end though). however. I love her dearly and I want you to know her because so few people do. that said oh she's going to lose immediately. the fanbase is 3 people wide. but look. look. she's fantastic. morte is a 16 year old anarchist who we learn early on in the game is absolutely Adamant on bringing on armageddon and destroying the entire world. she is also the deuteragonist of the game. we are not actually avoiding killing the world here. she is also: the most down with murder good guy I have ever seen in an rpg who isn't at all framed as Evil at first or even an antihero. so far she has not taken a Single alternate route to solve a problem when it could be solved by killing somebody. where any other jrpg would have a stealth mission go down to try and get these papers from a lord without anybody noticing, she just says "fuck it let's just kill him and take the papers off his corpse". she literally just kills all her problems. jesus h christ. she has a bounty on her head from the very start of the game and multiple fun monikers like Lady Death and The Scarlet Plague. my personal favorite is beastslayer for the simple fact that in this game the entire upper class is composed of furries. she is So Much. she just Is a guillotine. also as a bonus (maybe not a bonus?) she's like. from an outside perspective kind of generic? like until she opens her bloodthirsty little mouth if you see her you'd assume she's just Jrpg Girl. she looks like it the few cgi cutscenes in the game show her like she's a Jrpg Girl. she's pink and ruffly and Loves Murdering Authority Figures and is very fun and upbeat about it all. her magic attack in the game is a molotov cocktail. she's fantastic.

[vanderwoodlings]

fire escape: a dan&vanessa playlist (x)

Tracklist and commentary under the cut:

1. “We’re Going to Be Friends,” The White Stripes. Here we are, no one else/We walk to school all by ourselves is definitely the specific line that made this one for them as little kids need to be here—there’s a very specific way that Dan and Vanessa’s friendship involves (but quietly and unacknowledged) their family bullshit

2. “Kids In The Dark,” All Time Low. They left alone, the kids in the dark/To burn out forever or light up a spark

3. “You Get What You Give,” New Radicals. This whole damn world could fall apart/You’ll be okay, follow your heart/You’re in harm’s way, I’m right behind/Now say you’re mine

4. “Little Cellist,” Bears In Trees. Hmmmm yeah I think they’re a little fucked in the head

5. “Walk Backwards,” Maude Latour. We’re still early days, here, little fourteen year olds who haven’t quite had anything go wrong with them yet and so they’re orbiting closer and Dan hasn’t really noticed that Vanessa’s got a crush and neither of them know it’s a bad idea

6. “Bruises,” Reneé Rapp. …but the truth is I bruise easily/And sure I’m down to be the joke/Metaphorically though.

7. “Prodigal,” David Wirsig. In the beginning we were banished/Then we stoked the fires/And scrapped our songs for salvage. The thing is, like, Dan craves acceptance by the cool kids even as he holds up his pretentiousness as a shield and Vanessa is an outsider who wants people to meet her where she is and accept her

8. “Forgive Me Friend,” Smith & Thell feat. Swedish Jam Factory. This kind of tracks us into s1: And I, I promised that we would never change/That you and me would always stay the same/How I let you down

9. “That’s What Friends Are For,” Dionne Warwick, Elton John. Keep smilin’, keep shinin’/Knowin’ you can always count on me for sure/That’s what friends are for/For good times and bad times

10. “Old Friends,” Pinegrove. …Significant amounts of this playlist may be bitchy. Maybe I should have gone out a bit more/When you guys were still in town/I got too caught up in my own shit

11. “Platonic Cuddling,” Breakup Shoes. But significant parts are also sweet! Lovely day to watch the clouds race/Lovely day, nothing I would change

12. “You’re My Best Friend,” Queen. They are. So stupid for repeatedly trying to date. I love them

13. “Give It Up,” I Fight Dragons. The UES is a seductive kind of hell. Give it up for human nature/Give it up now, bit by bit.

14. “Misfit,” High Dive Heart. I know people say that you’re a misfit/But that’s the thing I like about you

15. “Everything I Had,” Sub-Radio. And sometimes you grow apart and you don’t want to admit that things are falling apart and here you are anyway

16. “Youth,” Daughter.

17. “I’ve Been Over It,” Geowulf. Time and time again, my head just wants to find a reason why/I needed another lesson in choosing who to give my heart. Wherein you date the guy

18. “Grow Up and Be Kids,” The Cab. But it’s still gone.

19. “Dial Tones,” AS IT IS. All we ever share are dial tones

20. “Twins,” The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart. I didn’t mean to let you down/And now I know everything that’s good is gone

21. “I’m Not Calling You A Liar,” Florence + The Machine. I’m not calling you a liar/Just don’t lie to me

22. “It Ain’t Me, Babe,” Johnny Cash with June Carter Cash. Go away from my window/Leave at your own chosen speed/I’m not the one you want, babe/I’m not the one you need

23. “When We Were Writers,” Indigo Girls. This… might’ve been the first song on here? Idk the sense of artistic nostalgia just worked so very Correctly with their vibe

24. “Sober Up,” AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo. Won’t you help me sober up/Growin’ up, it made me numb/And I wanna feel somethin’ again. And we have arrived in early s4!

25. “Quarrel,” Moses Sumney. I love Moses Summey btw. Everyone should just go check him out. Quoting this as a quarrel so immorally implies/We’re equal opponents and we both antagonize

26. “i hope ur miserable until ur dead,” Nessa Barrett. She can be a little evil. As a treat. I hope you be yourself and lose your friends/I hope they call you out for shit you said/I hope you’re miserable until you’re dead

27. “Somebody That I Used To Know,” Gotye, Kimbra. But then she gets completely written off the show so… ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

28. “Please Leave A Light On When You Go,” fun. How do you fix something/That you can’t touch without hurting?/The lesson you’ve learned is leaving you dumb/Please leave a light on when it’s done

29. “Call Off Your Ghost,” Dessa. We’ve lived too close for too long

30. “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead,” Stars. I put this one one the Vanessa playlist, thinking about her and Dan, and I knew I was going to end with it the moment I started this one—it’s kind of both the best and most tragic ending for them, to me, saying ‘I’m not that person anymore’

[castlebyersafterdark]

what do you think Will's first sexual thought about Mike was? How do you think he had it and how do you think he felt about it?

For this ask, I'll just speak briefly on maybe some insight into what could have been going through his head when he realized some things about himself and I couldn't help but put my own spin as I brainstorm through some thoughts. I know I plan in working in little flashbacks about this sort of thing in my eventual chaptered fic - how their feelings for each other started and developed as I detail their relationship in the story's current day of ages 16/17.

It has to stem back to when he discovered sexuality at all. It's a chicken or the egg situation - did he crush on Mike first and realize his sexuality because of that, or did he recognize he was attracted to boys and then eventually crush on Mike? It could go either way, there's nothing but conjecture there, so both interpretations work depending on how you want to depict budding sexuality. I tend to think they are a coexisting helix.

I know for myself - it was a general attraction to guys before I honed in on any friend of mine that I crushed on to be honest - I have no idea what's common, I only have my brain and the little conversations I've had with a few people - it's not like this is something I sit around and poll gay friends on. For me, it was incredibly confusing because it was these random thoughts that would happen when I'd see something in a movie or tv show, you know... hormones and urges. But then your dumb little guy friends are talking about girls. And that does make sense to you, but you're also guilty because you felt some sort of way about some random guy you were unconsciously, involuntarily admiring.

I imagine Will innocently watching some movie and his young brain absolutely freaking him out when he's staring at some shirtless guy, why his face is a little flushed and he's a little turned on as he looks - before you even really understand what turned on means. It's the wake up call the first time you learn how to get off and you know you should be thinking about girls. And you do and it's fine because it's mostly physical sensation without much effort but hmmm. You cannot help where your mind goes in the midst of it. It's your friend talking about liking some girl and you're all of eleven years old and you're like, oh I also have a crush on a girl, I'm normal. But you just wanted to be some girl's friend and be around her. It's nothing more. The other guy wants that and is also thinking other things. So it's confusing, you don't know what his brain is doing while yours is doing this other thing - but you know, you just know you're wired wrong. Sure, you "like" girls. But that's not what you're thinking about as a young guy, turning into a teenager, as hormones rage. Maybe you indulge in thinking about that photo you saw of the guy in his underwear, or your friend as he took his shirt off, and it's ok because you'll think about it but not process too hard and secrets are ok because you definitely like girls, anyway. This seems more like someone else, now that I'm actively typing it. Interesting.

But with Will - I think as we see with him in the show, Will is not making that effort at all with even entertaining considering girls. We see that in his confusion at girls in general. Aided by his nerdiness and being a general social pariah along with the Party, who don't seem to be well regarded by girls in general - but I think we can tell they're at least considering it, look how quickly they jump at the reality of Max and joke about Mike and El in 1. Will can't even recognize that girls play video games or have the same hobbies as him - give him some grace there. People criticize him for that but come on, he's a little gay 12/13 year old. It's a combination for him of being socially weird and a nerd and also... gay. He probably knows he's gay by then, even if not the word itself. I think it's probably more than a mysterious confusion by 2. I think he definitely has a little crush on Mike by season 1. He'd have thought about things, perhaps. Maybe nebulous. Maybe in between season 1 and 2 is when he kind of... indulges his mind. Despite some guilt.

Gets worse by the in between season 2/3. That's where I think the little crush warps to more as his sexuality becomes very personally apparent. I think they go hand in hand (pun intended?) as Will grows up and admits to himself that he's gay. Now understanding the concept entirely. I think 14 year old Will has no reservations about his lack of feelings for girls - meaning he knows that's not happening for him.

I thought I could force it, honestly! The bulk of my troubles was that I knew I wasn't going to not be attracted to men, but I thought well at least I'm bi, right? HA. Not at all. Completely kidding myself but I tried, is the thing. Like, ok I can have this and it'll my little secret because at least I can pass as straight for the most part. Lying lying lying. I totally know that wasn't true!! But. Teenagers... Will? I really for him do not see there being that attempt in his life, in his brain. I don't think he ever really lied to himself about his sexuality once he discovered it. Guilt and shame and disgust and maybe he tried to ignore it, maybe that's part of why he focuses so hard on his fantasy worlds and games escapism. Relatable. Where me - I could be gay secretly, anonymously online in fandom and other places on the internet, but with my outside, social life I was totally a straight guy. Will's just... not trying to convince anyone of anything. He's just Will. Rumor and assumption follows him anyway, but he's not faking anything to negate the image. A pointed choosing to ignore it in his outside life, until he can't (Rain fight. Ripping the photo. Destroying the fort).

The thing is... Mike is so tied up into Will's discovery and development of his sexuality, it's too entwined to disentangle. And it is partly his fault Will doesn't like girls. Not the cause, that was always gonna be part of Will. But he's what's taken over Will's brain where girls should be, at least what the world told him should be there instead.

It would have been the way Mike smiled at him during a campaign or the charming way he overacted when describing the next move for Will's character, and Will is one day flustered under the direct attention, out of nowhere. It's the way Will shivers when Mike throws an arm around his shoulder to lead him down the hallway and the way guys do that all the time but Will feels like he wants to throw Mike's arm off because he likes it too much all too often now, it feels like someone's going to catch him even if he sees other friends do the same exact thing. It's how Mike smells like a boy and Will likes that. It's how he watches the characters in the movie kiss and he wonders what kissing's like and the way Mike kisses him in his dream because there's no one else he actually knows or from class that he'd even consider wanting to kiss him because there's no one he's closer to. It's the way all of these things flash through his brain along with flashes of muscled skin and plain white underwear and glossy magazine pages and the guy at the grocery store with the shaggy blond hair and nice hands as he bagged their groceries the other day and it's the band member posing on the sleeve art from the pullout lyrics page on that new cassette he borrowed from his brother and how that guy is now crossing his mind as he succumbs with a hand around himself in the night, hormones and confusion and guilt and joy as he gets off with that jumble in his brain. And how the Mike in his head is eventually superimposed on every single thing that turns him on.